Rebuilding life after divorce

Globally, there is a seeming spike in divorce rates. This trend affects

married couples of varying financial and social status.  Data analysis
of the marriage and divorce rate of Americans presented by a family
and divorce law firm, Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, stated that in 2022, the
divorce rate per 1,000 women was 16.9 per cent.

Data from Nigeria’s Demographic and Health Survey in 2018

revealed that three of every 100 men and women were either
divorced or separated. Also, the 2006 National Population Census
data recorded that 704,000 Nigerians were divorced with 230,000
males and 474,000 females.

Divorce, as defined by an American certified divorce coach and

marriage educator, Cathy Meyer, is a legal action between married
couples to terminate their marriage relationship before the death of
either spouse.

High marital expectations, unwillingness to pay attention to one’s

spouse, infidelity, domestic violence, irreconcilable differences and
unfair fights, among others, are reasons for the rising divorce.

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But a messy divorce can cause harm to couples and their loved ones.
A study titled, ‘Divorce and Death’ indicated that the risk of dying
among divorcees was 28 per cent higher than among married
couples.
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 Studies further revealed that while divorce could save people from
bad marriages, children from divorced homes experienced
psychological and economic stress, health, behavioural and
emotional problems and became victims of abuse. Divorce also hurt
the emotional state, social circle and economic status of divorcees.

But divorce is the end of a marriage and not the end of life. Divorced
couples can still thrive, live normal lives and co-parent healthy and
sound children.

A family lawyer and divorce coach, Aronke Omame, also known as

Sisi Lawyer, stated that divorce was not a death sentence or a life-
threatening disease.

Sisi Lawyer, who stated that she had once been divorced, noted that
a new life after divorce was possible and further dismissed the
claims that divorce was for impatient spouses.

The divorce coach said for divorcees to rebuild their lives, they
needed to individually accept that they had a role in the breakup of
the marriage.

She said, “Marriage is something that is cherished and not many

people go into marriage with the mindset of spending few years. First
of all, you need to accept that without any doubt you are part of the
fault and that is a difficult thing to say especially while one is hurting.
You may say that you have prayed but it is not just about
acknowledging that the marriage went wrong and that it was the
spouse’s fault that it went wrong. Maybe the blame might not be
equally distributed but many times, it is the fault of both of you. You
must get clarity about where the fault truly lies.

“Two, get clarity about what you want to do with your life going
forward. What do I need to do? What would I like my future self to
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 be? These are the questions to ask though you are going through the
grieving process. You need to start getting ready for life.”

The family lawyer further advised divorcees to seek the help of a

divorce coach who would help them work out the financial, emotional
and other intricacies of navigating their new life.

For his part, a lawyer and marriage counsellor, Mr Samuel Umesi,

said divorce might be due to issues caused by both or either spouse
or as a result of irreconcilable differences.

The counsellor noted that before divorced people could rebuild their
lives and adjust to the new situation, they needed to acknowledge
the situation and forgive themselves for their mistakes.

Umesi said, “You have to forgive yourself and make yourself

understand that you have made a mistake that caused the failure of
the marriage or maybe the marriage was a mistake at first. But
whatever might be the case, forgive yourself and try to be in the right
frame of mind so that you can move on from being stuck at that
stage. You also have to forgive your partner and let go of the past.”

He emphasised that relinquishing the hurts and grievances of the

past was the first step towards rebuilding a happy life.

Once the individual overcame the hurt and pains of the past, Umesi
advised them to be engaged in gainful and positive activities to avoid
wallowing in guilt and depression.

The marriage counsellor added, “If there are children from the
marriage, you can then focus your attention on how to take care of
them to ensure that they get the best out of life. Most times, the
children might give you respite from whatever may have gone wrong
in the marriage.”
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 He further noted that divorced couples should individually reflect on
themselves and through the help of a counsellor, highlight mistakes
of the past that affected the marriage and the trauma they might
face after then.

Divorce comes with psychological and emotional trauma. As such,

divorcees experience loneliness and an emotional vacuum; they also
carry the burden of single or co-parenting their children and
providing income.

To this, mental health experts agree that divorce can fill the parties
with regret, pain and the inability to continue with their lives.

A mental health physician, advocate and coach and the Psychiatrist-

in-Chief at Pinnacle Medical Services, Dr Maymunah Kadiri, stated
that the first step divorcees must take to rebuild their lives was to
admit the situation they were in.

Kadiri said, “The amount of change that comes with divorce is

immense and psychological, regardless of the potential benefit. It
comes with a lot of crying at night, wetting the pillows and the feeling
of loneliness. Divorce represents the end of a way of life and an
opening to something new. It is a period of adjustments, especially
when there are children in the union.”

She advised that during the transition period, divorcees should

belong to a support group and had clear strategies to help create a
clear plan to rebuild their lives.

The psychiatrist added, “It is common in the post-divorce

adjustment period to begin to make important relationship decisions.
This will ensure that there is the financial capability to take care of
the basic things of life. This is important because the financial fallout
of a divorce might leave the individual bereft of funds. Also, those in
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 this situation, especially women, may see a drop in income after the
divorce. As a result, you have to keep money down to help you build
and chart a plan on how to achieve certain goals.”

To do this, Kadiri advised affected individuals to create a new

monthly budget, “taking into account your post-divorce income and
expenses, consider ways to save money such as downsizing to a less
expensive goal or consolidating debts; work towards stabilising
credit by paying monthly bills on time and reducing debts.”

“Another tip is to find ways to increase income by looking for higher

paying jobs but if you don’t get one, you can ask for a raise or
promotion if you are in a job or look for multiple streams of income,”
she added.

The mental health advocate also said divorcees should retain their
social lives but must not rush into romance.

She noted, “You can grieve your divorce but don’t isolate yourself
from people. Nurture the support of friends who stuck with you
during your trying times. Everybody psychologically has three best
friends, so look for those three people that should be in your inner
circle. They should be people who would keep you grounded and tell
you the truth regardless of whatever it is.”

After a divorce, there might be the need to relocate to another city or

country.

Kadiri counselled divorcees to build new and healthy friendships in

their new locations without jumping into a romantic relationship.

The psychiatrist added, “There is a natural tendency of wanting to be

with someone but you must learn how to be alone before considering
another relationship. After a divorce, it is normal to feel physically
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 and emotionally drained. People often go through a roller coaster of
emotions when their marriage crashes.”

Life after divorce can seem to be daunting for children. She

encouraged divorced couples to create a healthy and enabling
environment for their children, adding that they should not be used
as tools to get information from and spite each other.

Also, a clinical psychologist, Dr Abel Obosi, stated that after a

divorce, the now unmarried couples had to deal with several
emotional baggage such as pain, loneliness, emotional vacuum and
in some cases, suicidal ideation or attempts.

He said, “It is important that the person sees a marriage counsellor

or therapist who can guide them. Some persons have a justifiable
reason for divorce but whether or not there was a justifiable reason,
there is always emotional heartache and psychological imbalance
after a divorce. Some try to cope by using drugs, being promiscuous,
falling in love with someone else to spite the other party but deep
down, they are going through pain.”

Obosi stated that the first line of action was for the parties to seek
the help of certified experts.

He said, “Some relocate so they can reduce the number of times

they see their ex-spouse or anything that reminds them of the
marriage but it doesn’t change the fact that there is an unresolved
conflict. They need to see a counsellor or therapist and be truthful to
themselves about the painful experiences they are going through.

“Another thing they can do is to introspect and this means that they
should look inwards and examine what they have done wrong or not
done properly. They should not just move on and marry someone
else when they haven’t done this. If they do, they are likely to end up
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 making the same mistake and ending in another divorce. After this,
they need to forgive their partner and themselves and move on with
their individual lives in a healthy manner.”
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