Gender Dynamics in Heterosexual Relationships

Law states that we are all equal, in constitution equal as citizens, at work
place equal as colleagues and in any public or domestic sphere equal
individuals. But in a man-woman relationship what is the equation? Is
the woman actually seen as equal? Eunice De Souza, a feminist poet
talks about this theme in her poems ‘Marriages are Made’ and ‘Advice to
Women.’ Her poems are short, structured, and straight forward, nothing
is directly criticizing or attacking the common, normalized notions of the
patriarchal society about marriages and the gender specific roles in a
relationship, but the intentions are well received while reading the
pieces. The situation of women in marriages and in relationships with
men described from a female perspective.
The poem ‘Marriages are Made’ is about narrator’s cousin Elena’s
marriage being decided for her. The whole narrative is in passive
voice, everything has been done and decided for the girl just like
any other typical arranged marriage. She has no say in anything.
The girl’s family background, medical history, her features, her
complexion everything was checked and scrutinized, if something
was found to be lacking that can be taken care of with dowry and
when she gives birth to children. While for the man his name
‘Francis X. Noronha Prabhu’ that represents him and his family is
enough, imagine if men also got strictly scrutinized in the same
way women are, for their beauty, fairness, reproductive potential,
height- weight and other physical proportions. The marriage
market only values ideal men as someone with good financial
resources. But an ideal woman must be good looking enough, tall,
slim, fair, and educated enough (emphasizing on “enough” in the
education because a more educated, aware, and outspoken girl is
not ideal). It can be observed in various Bollywood movies and
dramas that there is a vulnerability that is accompanied with
being the ‘ladkiwaale’ i.e., is the bride’s side of family, what is that
for? Any small mistake or even a small neglect could lead to huge
problems. Ever since a girl is born parents and families start
preparing not for her studies and career but her marriage, the
only way one can truly be settled is by being married. Women are
nurtured to be good wives, good mothers, and good daughters-in-
law, being a careerwoman with dreams, ambitions and a voice is
never appreciated. Their individuality is strangled, they are taught
to adjust and make sacrifices, to understand and cater to the
needs of her husband, in-laws and later her children. The terms
used in our society for women like wife of a man called
‘ardhangini’ broken down as ardh- half and angini- body “other
half” that completes the existing half, daughters are called
‘paraya-dhan’ translated as other’s money or property, so where
does the belongingness of a woman lie? Several Indian folk songs
describe daughters as ‘chidiya’ or a bird that resides at their
father’s place as temporary dwellers and expected to be
beholders of respect of a home and society they never
anticipated. In Indian context marriages are social and legal
contract between two families. The Hindu ritual of ‘Kanyadan’ in
wedding ‘dan’ is literally translated as donation. Donation of the
girl to the groom by her father, commodifying the girl because
how can a person be given as donation. In fact, the Hindu
marriage vows are a sacrament and in case of divorce there are
various interpretations regarding the nature of the vows. One of
them being that divorce takes place in a marriage where there are
two entities but here it is only one party the groom while the
bride is a donation given to him not an individual entity. It is not
an equal relationship. Not just in a marriage but in any kind of
heterosexual romantic relationship roles are gendered. In the
other poem “Advice to Women” Eunice De Souza advices women
to rear cats, to get used to the cold behavior of their lovers. The
lover here is compared to cats, cats wander off and do not cling
onto their owners, similarly men also wander off and become
aloof but it is alright as they come back, cats for food and men for
sexual pleasures. Man’s ignorance and aloofness is justified and
normalized by the society, our patriarchal society. The ‘normal’ is
decided and has been and followed since a long time. According to
social norms men should not be emotional and sensitive these are
considered “feminine characteristics”, their infidelity and being
with multiple women is seen as a kind of laurel and something to
be proud along with titles like ‘stud’. The same kind of behavior
for women is unimaginable, a woman who has multiple partners is
shamed and called names like ‘slut’ ‘whore’ ‘characterless’ and
many more. In the poem being discussed men’s otherness is told
is not neglect, they will come back whenever they need but the
women must keep waiting for them. The last few lines
“That perpetual surprise
In those green eyes
Will teach you
To die alone”
These lines convey that women must continuously keep waiting
till death, this idea of waiting women has been a common theme
of many paintings since ancient times with women sitting beside
or in front of a window or a door representing the endless wait.
Also, the passive role in women in a romantic relationships, the
Petrarchan idea of “beloved”, women as be-loved as object of
affection. Affection that they receive and do not reciprocate.
The poem also mentions that she the wife or she the mistress
should not shout on ‘enemies’ i.e., the new lover or mistress of
the man, they should adjust and keep waiting for him. That is why
the poet advices women that rearing cats would help women
prepare in advance to cope with the trauma of romantic
detachment. Both the poems talk about the women, their position
in a heterosexual relationship how it is affected by the society and
norms of patriarchy, the superiority and domination of men.
These are issues that we are conditioned to believe are normal
and witness oftentimes, but that does not make it correct. The
gendered hierarchy in a relationship comes from deeply rooted
system of patriarchy. Gender hierarchy not just controls women
and their sexuality but it also defines roles for men and women
both of which are overwhelming. This is not about one’s own
individual choices or preferences but how the social conditioning
and appropriation is at work. Painting everything out with a flat
brush is wrong, everyone has their own differences that makes
them who they are and makes their choices vary, no individual can
make changes happen but several individuals together can, to
eliminate this deeply rooted hierarchy.