PCB 4024 : SPECIAL CHILDREN AND FAMILY COUNSELING

Course Leader: Puan Hajah Sabariah Siron

COURSE NOTES

TOPIC 12: COUNSELING TROUBLED COUPLE AND CONFLICTING FAMILY

RELATIONSHIP

INTRODUCTION

WHAT IS FAMILY CONFLICT?

 A family is made up of many unique individuals, each with a range of thoughts

and opinions on almost every subject and situation. Add to the mix extended
family with their countless beliefs and personal opinions and there is no wonder
disagreements ensure from time to time. Conflict is simply the natural and healthy
progression of any relationship. Most psychologists will tell you that a certain
amount of family conflict is healthy, far better than a situation with no conflict at
all (which is also indicative of a problem in itself).
 Yet unfortunately, it doesn't always end there. According to Dr. Leonard Felder,
author of When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People, 70 percent of us have
a frustrating or difficult relative lurking somewhere in our family tree. Whether
that relative is an immediate family member like a rebellious child or they are a
relative by marriage, like a controlling in-law or demanding step-parent, the
impact on the entire family can be extremely stressful and at times, quite
destructive. In some families, there is no single person , but just a seemingly "bad
mix" of personalities that cannot get along.

 When the degree and intensity of fighting and arguing increases to the point
where they impact daily functioning, happiness, or the personality of one or more
family members, outside intervention becomes necessary. Counseling offers
family members a neutral voice and a place to be heard. It can also give us the

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 necessary tools to resolve conflict in a healthy way, bringing peace and harmony
back to our everyday lives.

WHY DOES FAMILY FIGHT ALL THE TIME?

 Whenever you put two people with distinct personalities and ideas into the same
room, at some point opposing thoughts are inevitable. If presented in a non-
threatening manner, these different viewpoints can actually help us to learn about
each other and grow as individuals. This is the natural progression of any
relationship. The problem generally arises when we get caught in our egos. From
this point on, rational thinking goes out the window and conflicts become winner-
takes-all battles in which everybody loses.
 No matter the issue, the underlying reason for most disagreements is the fear of
losing control of someone or something. As such, the issue at hand is never really
what we are arguing about. Teenagers regularly use everyday situations as
potential battlefields to assert their newfound independence. As parents, we watch
in horror wondering where are cute five-year-old went, panicking at the mere
thought of losing control over them. They, despite their bravado demeanors, are
also afraid of losing control. The result? Battle lines are quickly drawn and
persistent conflicts result.

 The mother/daughter-in-law relationship is very similar. The friction between

these two women results from a fight for control over the man, a struggle in which
each woman seemingly has much to lose. Even the husband/wife scenario is
wrought with varying degrees of control. Whether overtly displayed or well
hidden beneath an array of unresolved feelings, marriage for the most part, is a
give-and-take process in which each partner negotiates their level of control.
Sibling rivalry is yet another example of control-based conflict. As each of these
relationships progresses, either the control issues will be resolved peacefully and

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 in a manner acceptable to either parties, or conflicts will grow until the
relationship is ultimately destroyed, often taking several casualties with it.

 As of May 2005, the divorce rate for marriages to survive 30 years was 38 percent
according to the United States Census Bureau. Canada has nearly the same rate at
37.6. Not surprisingly, unresolved family conflict is the leading cause of
separation and divorce in today’s win-or-lose society. Unfortunately, as we
ultimately learn after the fact, there are no winners because somewhere down the
line someone ultimately suffers the repercussions.

KNOWING WHEN TO GET HELP FOR MY FAMILY

 Basically, whenever a situation starts to control our lives, affecting our everyday
functioning, it is a clear signal we need a neutral perspective. Healthy conflict is a
natural part of any relationship; ongoing stress is not. There are several warning
signs of undue stress for both children and parents. If your eating habits or
sleeping patterns have changed recently or if you feel tired and down most of the
time and there is no physical explanation, this could be an indication you are
experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. Significant weight gain or loss,
anxiousness, irritability and consistent headaches and or stomachaches can also
signal a body in overload. If you or your child is abusing alcohol or using drugs,
this is a sure sign you need help. Skipping school, failing grades and promiscuous
behavior are all good indicators that something is wrong. Whether you are aware
or not, the conflicts in your life can seriously affect both your emotional and
physical well-being. Unresolved issues can quickly overtake our lives and affect
everyone around us. Although we will never be able to completely remove all of
life’s many conflicts, often counseling can offer us a new perspective and give us
the tools to resolve it in a healthy and acceptable way. Sometimes an impartial
voice is all that is needed to clear the way for mutual understanding and a
peaceful existence.

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UTILIZING COUNSELING TO RESOLVE FAMILY ARGUMENTS AND
CONFLICT

 Addressing family arguments can be a difficult and challenging event given the
number of people and personalities that become involved. It is recognized that
often a family’s patterns of relating to each other and style of communication can
be deeply entrenched. Often, roles within the family have been well established
with individual members being identified with such labels as “the over-achiever”,
“the trouble-maker”, “the peace-maker”, or “the enabler”.
 Resolving family conflict is a two-fold approach. First, is to determine what has
caused the current crisis and what family members are prepared to do to reach an
acceptable resolution. Throughout this process, the second component of conflict
resolution takes place; learning to communicate effectively ensuring there is not
any misunderstanding or assumptions that develop.

 In some situations, families are faced with a specific event that causes a
disagreement. This could include how to care fro an aging parent, how to support
a couple through a separation, or dealing with a disruptive teen. Common is most
families as well, is the existence of previous events that have been left unresolved
that contribute to the emotion of the current situation. The counsellor is
committed to working through these historical issues where individuals are ready
to address these painful past events. However, in some instances, counseling
reaches a successful resolution when the present concern is addressed.