Don’t take your partner’s complaint personally.

This sounds impossible, especially if the complaint is about something you did or
didn’t do. If you feel yourself getting defensive, seek to understand why. Ask
yourself, Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect? Your partner’s
complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you
can be there for them.

Ask for a reframe

If your partner is saying something that is triggering, ask them to say it in a

different way. I’m feeling defensive by what you’re saying. Can you please reword
your complaint so I can understand your need and explore ways we can meet it?

Push the pause button and Self Soothe

Stop and breathe. If you notice you’re having trouble focusing as the listener, ask
your partner to take a break from the conversation. This is a proactive way to
self-soothe and prevents your emotional brain from flipping its lid. You can
say, I’m trying to listen but I’m starting to take things personally. Can we take a break
and restart this in 20 minutes? Your feelings are important to me and I want to make
sure I understand you. During this time, focus on the positives of your relationship
and do something that is productive.
A lot of conflict in a relationship is about TRUST:“Will you be there for me?

For example,

•  Will you be there for me . . . .

•  When I’m sad?

•  When you have hurt me?

•  When I’m angry with you?

•  When the world has hurt me?

•  When I’m stresdsed out?

•  When I’m disappointed?

•  When I’m horny?

•  When I’m upset?

•  When I’m lonely?

•  When I’m feeling trapped?

•  When I’m bored?

•  Just how important am I to you?”

Excerpt From

The Science of Couples and Family Therapy

John M. Gottman
How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up
https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/

A six-year longitudinal study  predicted the likelihood of a couple’s divorce by

observing just the first three minutes of a conflict discussion.

The couples who divorced started their discussions with a great deal of negative
emotion and displayed far fewer expressions of positivity than those who stayed
together six years later. Not only were those couples who divorced negative
towards each other, but they were also critical of each other.

Softening the start-up of your conversations is crucial to resolving relationship

conflicts, and if you use a soft start-up in your argument, your relationship is far
more likely to be stable and happy.

How does a soft start-up work?

Think of it this way: if someone comes to you with a legitimate complaint but they
don’t blame you or don’t come off as critical, you likely won’t feel attacked and
won’t feel the need to go on the defensive . Because there isn’t overt negativity in
their tone or in their words, you’re more likely to be receptive to their concerns
and needs.

Say, perhaps, you fell behind at work and your manager comes to you and says:

“Hey, I needed this done sooner. We agreed on a deadline for

yesterday. Please get that to us as soon as you can.”

That’s a soft start-up. Compare that to this harsh start-up:

“Where are the reports you said you’d file? Could you, for once,
get something done on time?”

See the difference? Try saying both examples out loud to yourself. Do you hear
and feel the difference in tone and approach?

A soft start-up serves to protect both you and your partner from feeling either
attacked or defensive. It’s a proven way to bring up a legitimate disagreement,
concern, issue, complaint, or need without blaming your partner or judging their
character.

How do you use a soft start-up?

Complain but don’t blame

No matter how “at fault” you feel that your partner is, approaching them with
criticisms and accusations is obviously not productive. What isn’t obvious,
however, are the little things you might say in arguments with your partner that
make them feel criticized or blamed. Body language, like eye-rolling, is a perfect
example of this sort of unintentional, destructive behavior. So, it’s all about how
you approach the issue! Instead of blaming your partner with, “You said you
would clean the backyard today and it’s still a mess,” try a simple complaint. “Hey,
there are still some leaves in the gutter and the yard. We agreed that you’d rake
and clean up. I’m really upset about this, so can you please make sure it’s taken
care of?”

Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”

When you start sentences with “I,” you are less likely to be critical, which, as we
know from criticism, will immediately put your partner on the defensive. Instead
of saying “You are not listening to me,” you can say, “I don’t feel heard right now.”
Instead of saying “You’re so careless with money,” say, “We’re a little tight on our
budget, and I think that we should try to save more.” Focus on how you’re feeling
and what you need, not on accusing your partner! Both of you will stand to gain
something from the conversation, and you will likely feel that you are hearing and
understanding each other more. And one very important point: using an “I”
statement isn’t an excuse to say something like, “I feel like you never listen to
me.” That’s still a harsh start-up, it still blames your partner, and you’re still using
“you.” Remember to stick with purely “I” statements as much as possible.

Describe what is happening, but don’t evaluate or judge

Instead of accusing or blaming your partner, simply describe what you see and
feel in the situation. Instead of attacking with accusations, such as “You never
watch the baby,” try saying, “I seem to be the only one chasing after the baby
today.” Instead of counterattacking and lashing out at you, your partner is more
likely to consider your point of view and what you need, and they will likely try
harder to deliver the results you are hoping for with this approach. Be clear. No
matter how long you have been with your partner or how well they know you,
you cannot expect them to read your mind, so you need to make sure that you’re
expressing your needs in a positive way.

Be polite and appreciative.

Just because you are in conflict with your partner doesn’t mean that your respect
and affection for them has to diminish. Adding phrases such as “please” and “I
appreciate it” can be helpful for maintaining warmth and emotional connection
during a difficult conversation. Which is, of course, exactly when you need it
most. Remember, during conflict, keep up that 5:1 ratio of positive to negative
interactions, which is a good rule of thumb for expressing appreciation and
keeping a positive attitude even in the middle of an argument.

Don’t store things up

We’ve all been there: exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling like we are drowning
in a whirlpool of problems, and one issue just keeps leading to another. We
bottle up our emotions, our feelings, and our needs. Suddenly, we find ourselves
bringing up a laundry list of problems we never intended to broach, which all
somehow feel related. You might even blow up a bit since you’ve been holding
these feelings in. Generally, that list of issues brought up in such conversations
won’t feel so related to your partner. Flooded with emotion and negative affect,
both parties are incapable of reaching a resolution. Don’t put off bringing up an
issue with your partner and your conflict discussions will be far more productive.
Expressing your concerns and needs as they arise by using a soft start-up will
help to prevent your conflict discussions from escalating.

What if a soft start-up doesn’t work?

Say you’ve approached your partner with a soft start-up, but they respond with
negativity. Maybe they immediately go on the defensive, or blame you, or
counterattack even though you didn’t attack them. What do you do? Dr. Julie
Gottman describes how to maintain calm in the face of negativity here:

When faced with such negativity, you can try saying something like, “I’m not trying
to criticize you here or put you down. That’s not what I want to do. I really care
about you and I really want to be closer to you.” That will help you give your
partner some reassurance and indicate to your partner that you’re not trying to
attack or criticize them, and it can help de-escalate the situation.

Consider the ways you experienced conflict discussions in the past. How did they
start? How did they end? Can you think of examples of moments when you could
have changed your approach at the beginning of these conversations?

Try starting your next conflict discussion with these softened start-up techniques
and you might be surprised by the productivity of your dialogue. Not only will it
help keep the Four Horsemen  at bay, but it also provides an opportunity for you
to learn more about your partner, and to be closer with them. When you can
complain without blame and truly express your needs and concerns in a positive
way, it opens a window to understanding each other more deeply and intimately.