Release Me,

I Beg of You.

Jayah Foulds

1
 To the souls fighting their
way through the hard times.

2
 Contents

Grief …………………… 4

Resent………………….. 16

Heartbreak …………….. 36

Agony …………………. 56

Healing ………………... 70

3
4
Practitioner

I was your nurse,

your practitioner of life.

I sat at your bedside and read

you oh so many stories,
as you played checkers against yourself.

Only you weren’t versing yourself,

but the demons that lay in the confines
of your mind.

I tried to mend your fleeting soul

but my skills matched my age,

and the next moment you were gone.

I was left wondering if I did enough to

save you,
to stop the inevitable.

That maybe if I studied harder I could of

perfected the dosage of time and attention you
so desperately needed.

But instead, I spent my days with friends and

sports
while you lay in bed begging me to come
home.
5
That you would overdose on your chemo
medication
if I wasn’t there to give it to you.

That you’d drown yourself in the bath if I

wasn’t
waiting with a towel when you got out.

I was twelve.

I was blamed for a death that I couldn’t

prevent,
that I know I had no say over.

Yet I grieve as if I pulled the trigger myself,

and the image of you laying in a pool of your
own self-doubt and trauma forever replays in
my heart.

I wish I could have had a real medical degree,

maybe then I wouldn’t have to see the pity in
people’s eyes when I say my mother has
passed to the afterlife.

I was the practitioner of your life,

but now the only thing I practice
is trying to live a life

without you in it.

6
I sacrificed a life worth living,
for a woman that was
already dead

-Overwhelming Guilt

7
More Than Just a Sickness

No matter how long the nights got,

or how early the mornings became,
I stayed by your bedside to keep you tame.

I willed you to get better,

prayed for it even,
but all you did was weaken.

I want to go back,
and change the past,
but you’ve already been recast.

She’s not nearly as great as you,

but I make do.

I miss you every day,

I hope you do too.

8
Coping

I used to tell myself that I’d see you tomorrow,

You’ll see her tomorrow.

You’ll see her tomorrow.
You’ll see her tomorrow.

But soon that turned to,

She never existed.

Who is she?
I don’t know her.

I had to learn to balance her memory,

Coffees not so bad.

I love the smell of roses.
Cooking is better than baking.

While living for myself.

9
Gift From You to Me

You gave me strength,

to overcome my fears

You gave me wisdom,

well beyond my years.

You gave me love,

so that I may flourish
into a kind being.

You gave me a fighting chance,

when all I did was fight you.

You gave me regret,

because I wish I could go back
and change the past.

You gave me a life lesson,

to never take your loved ones
for granted.

10
My 5 Stages of Grief

I never thought that I went through the five

stages of grief

but,

I denied that you were really gone.

I was angry that you left me in such a terrible
world.
I bargained if I would really get through this.
I was depressed enough to realize I need help.

I’m still working on the last one.

11
Many Firsts

My first A on a report card.

My first university acceptance letter.
My first home run.
My first school dance.
My first drink.
My last first day.
My high school graduation.
My first book.

These are all the things you missed.

But trust when I say that I felt you with me,

with a hand on my shoulder
saying how proud you were
of me.

12
I Shouldn’t Have Been There

I went to school the day after you passed.

I cried in English.

I made some of my best friends that day.

They go by many names,

Guilt,
Grief,
Regret.

But they all make me feel the same.

Miserable.

13
Silver Circle

I have a necklace,
small and round.
Your fingerprint etched in the silver.

I don’t wear it.

Instead I wear a wear a necklace,

small and round.
That’s surface is smooth and bare.

If I wore you with me everyday,

I don’t think I’d go a day without weeping.

So I made a compromise, and this is it.

Something quite like it,
just without you in it.

14
15
16
Imposter

You’re not my real mother.

You might have been there for my first steps,

my first words,

but the nights between and after were spent

with another.

A kinder and more compassionate woman,

who cuddled me when sick while you ran in

fear.

Who booked my doctor appointments because

she knew you never would.

Who was old and sick yet still managed to get

me to school on time every day.

Who gave up the rest of her days to raise a

child that wasn’t hers.

Whose last goddamn words were my name!

“My precious Jayah”

17
You may have gone through 20 hours of pain
to have me,

but no more hours were spent on me after that.

She was my mother!

Not you.

18
Green

When people ask me that question,

I always lie.

My answer is the same as yours,

and to be anything like you means to be a
despicable person.

So when people ask what my favourite colour

is,

I say purple.

When it’s actually green.

19
Empty Words Hurt

Did you know I like playing with people’s

hair?

Did you know that I hate fish?

Did you know that Aliens in The Attic is my

comfort movie and the only thing I watch
when I’m sick?

Did you know I hate how glitter feels on

clothing?

Did you know when I’m passionate about

something I get louder?

Did you know that I hate being touched when

I’m scared?

Did you know all the little things that make

me, me?

Did you know? Or did you just say we’re

family for fun.

20
No One Likes a Smart Ass

You rub it in everyone’s face that your always

right.

That you don’t argue unless your right.

That you bathe in the silence when someone

doesn’t rebuttal,

but we’re actually just biting our tongues from

snapping back.

And when your wrong you get defensive,

condescending.

You would rather be dead than wrong.

But no one likes a know it all,

no one likes a smart ass.

21
Highs and Lows

We go through ups and downs,

you and I.

From lovely words

to
none at all.

From I love you

to
I hate you.

From I’ll miss you

to
never come back.

It’s exhausting,
these
highs and lows of ours.

22
Dead Beat

I recently found out that you can go to jail for

not paying child support,

I guess you’ll be serving a life sentence since

I’ve never seen a dime.

23
Teen Mom Minus the Mom

You blame me for not getting to party through

your 20’s,

yet you still managed to go out every night.

You blame me for not being able to work a

proper job,

yet you never took the opportunities when they

arose.

You blame me for hating your life,

but how can that be true when I was never

even in it?

24
Do you regret killing a child,
and making an adult out of her?

-Growing Up Too Soon

25
Adderall

Yes, it made me focus.

Yes, it made me more compliant, complacent.

But was it worth losing a child’s spark of

creativity?

Free will?

Was it worth losing my appetite for life?

If you could go back, would you change what

you did?

How you stood and watched them shove pills

down my throat?

Of course you wouldn’t.

Cause you were there shaking the bottle for

scraps.

You call yourself a mother,

When your real name should be

addict.

26
Closing Night

You act like you love me,

and I believe it.

I know I shouldn’t.
But it’s so hard to resist,

The love I looked for in you

for so long.

Yet it’s a cycle,

so I know the low is coming.

This time however,

I don’t think there will be a high again.

So let’s ride this one out

before we say goodbye,

forever.

27
Unfiltered

I wonder if you reflect on the way that you

spoke to a child.

“Don’t say it in front of her, she’ll tell the

world with her big mouth.”

“You spent 15 years with her, you don’t

deserve any keepsakes.”

“You could have saved her if you tried

harder.”

I wonder if you regret the way you spoke to a

child,

seeing as it turned a warm, cheery kid into a

cold teenager.

I wonder if you’d go back and rephrase.

28
If Getting Kicked Out Was Normal
Punishment

The first time I was 14,

and I begged you to come to thanksgiving.

The second time I was 16,

and I asked for food since you hadn’t bought
groceries in weeks.

Now I am almost 18,

and I wait for the next round of shots to fire.
For when I am on my own yet again.

29
Terrified To Be Related

I don’t know if you meant it,

but you raised a son that ended like his father.

A demented man
who sees family as an easy target.

A sick man,
who thinks it’s okay to touch little girls.

A callous man,
who takes drunk as an opportunity to strike.

A man,
who I am supposed to call family.

You raised a child to be his father,

and you saw nothing wrong with that.

Family is supposed to protect one another.

So hear me when I say,

I no longer consider you family.

Because you couldn’t even protect me from

your own son,

Or your sister from your husband.

30
Please Pick Up

Mom always said that it was better you were

gone.

Mom always said that I didn’t need you to

flourish.

Mom always said that you were a dead beat.

Mom always said I didn’t need you.

But I wonder what would of happened if I did.

Would you ignore my calls like you have in

years past?

Or would the voicemail haunt you enough to

pick up.

31
Thank you for being my motivation to be
everything you’re not.

-Must Hurt Hey?

32
Left With So Many Questions

It hurts being cast out of someone’s life

for a decision that was fully okay.

A decision that didn’t affect them,

yet somehow they made it about themselves.

Decisions I make for my body shouldn’t

change
the way you perceive me.

but it did.

Now the silence is deafening,

and I’m left wondering if that was the
only reason you stopped reaching out.

If so,
I’m okay keeping the silence.

33
People don’t understand that
Loving you was
Exceptional,
And that I
Still savour
Every moment spent with you.

So when I say
All I want is to have you back,
Verify that I actually mean it.
Especially when I’m

Mournful.
Even the most pained of people can have
lapses of judgment.

34
35
36
Trigger

You held a gun to my head,

and begged me to love you.

I told you I couldn’t,

so you left.

You could have at least pulled the trigger,

so I wouldn’t have to live knowing you

hate me.

37
Constant Roundabout

We had a loop.

A cycle I hated repeating.

Yet your words enraptured me,

every

time.

Pulled me back in when I thought I was

done.

You’d surround me with love,

then take it away

the moment I said I wanted to stay.

So, the loop repeated.

And we were right back to driving around

that constant roundabout.

38
Inner Battle

Brain: I’ve had a really hard day, I just want to

go home.

Heart: But he’s not your home anymore…

39
Slammer

I could put you behind bars.

Seal you away from society,

serving a life sentence after you destroyed

mine.

I still feel your hands crawl up my skin like

shackles,

tying me down while you tried to lift yourself

up high.

I begged you to stop,

but the words were muffled by fear and

your mouth.

Consuming my free will.

You left me in those shackles,

saying it was love.

But how can you love someone,

yet shatter them to pieces.

40
Abuser

I didn’t expect you to leave bruises

on my heart,

or my skin.

41
An impossible decision for an indecisive
being.

-To Love or be Loved

42
Repeat

He knew what the one before him did,

yet something must have got lost in
translation.

Because he did the

exact

same
thing.

thing.

43
Death Grip

I’m not holding onto the person you were,

I’m holding onto the person I thought you

could be.

44
Late Night Questions pt. 1

The quote goes,

“Don’t cry cause it’s over, smile because it

happened.”

But what do I do if the smiles were faked,

and I’m still crying?

45
Message To Future Me

Don’t run back to him,

not when you know that you’ll be

feeling his hands bruise your skin again.

46
Sin

I’ve committed a sin.

A sin so bad,
no confession can save me.

A sin so bad,
the last supper would halt its discussion.

A sin so bad,
Adam and Eve’s temptations look mere.

A sin so bad,
Jesus wouldn’t rise 3 days later.

I’ve committed a sin,

and it was loving you again.

47
Match

I burned your hoodie.

I threw a lighter in a fire and watched the

fabric burn.

I watched as the strings unraveled,

and the seams burned to a crisp.

I wish I could burn off the feeling of your

hands on my skin,

but a lighter can only do so much.

48
Inevitable

I fell in love with you.

And I wish I knew when and where so I could

go back in time and prevent it from happening.

But I don’t think anything could have

prevented me and you.

49
Untitled Thoughts pt. 1

Maybe if I gave him more of myself,

he wouldn’t have taken so much of me when
he left.

50
I’m Not a Yoyo

Don’t push me away and

expect me to wait till you want me.

Because I will not be there when you

come back to pull me close again.

51
Late Night Questions pt. 2

“If you love something set it free

and if it comes back it’s meant to be.”

But what if you don’t come back

and I’m left worse than where I started?

52
Back Hand

I stopped grieving for you,

in hopes that you wouldn’t raise a hand
towards me again.

If I knew that I would find the strength to

leave you,
I would have taken that time for myself.

And risked another beating.

53
Unhealthy Communication

Why wasn’t I good enough for you?

Was it the way I loved?

Or the way I talked?

Maybe it was the way I dressed?

Was the problem me?

Were you really not ready for a relationship?

Or were you just not ready for a relationship

with me.

54
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56
Scars

I’ve always loved the idea of having scars.

Maybe it was for the attention,
or the opportunity to turn a conversation onto
me.

Or

Maybe it was so people could see that I was

suffering,
even when I had a smile on my face.

57
Don’t Call Me Selfish

“You’d tell me if it got bad again, right?”

No,
I wouldn’t.

Because that look in your eyes would

kill me
even more.

58
Creating a Bomb

I can’t feel without it being

explosive.

My tears are replaced with

gun powder.

My skin becomes hard like the

casing.

My hair starts to light like a

fuse.

And then I detonate,

leaving nothing in my path.

Nothing but wreckage.

Nothing but pain.

Nothing but regret.

59
Dear Reader,

What I would do to waste a couple

more minutes with you.

Sincerely,

Your Happiness.

60
The Friend I Never Wanted

You were always there for me.

Through every up and down,
bump and hit,
party and gathering,
cruel words and nice ones too.
You filled the empty space in every instance,
no matter where I was.
You were the friend I wish I never had,
and your name was trauma.

61
Choices

When I self-harm,
that’s on me.

Don’t think it’s your fault.

Don’t take on that burden.

62
White Lie

Just know that I’m not okay,

I never have been.

63
Sibling Bond

I’m the oldest of 3,

but the youngest of 2

I have 2 sisters,
and also you.

A wise, intelligent brother,

who I never knew.

Who I wish I knew.

You have another sister

which makes me wonder,
if she’s the reason you don’t want
to know me too.

I’ve dreamed of an older brother

my whole life,

like the ones in the movies that fight and love.

That protects.

Our reality however is,

that we weren’t meant to be a part of each
other.

64
no other half.

no sibling bond.

It’s sad but true,

and I’ll always mourn what could have been.

But its hard when one reaches out,

and the other cancels.

It’s hard when our family loves you,

and doesn’t know me.

65
The Friends I Never Wanted

Grief hung over me like a stalker.

Resent lent me a hand in every dispute.

Heartbreak dragged me down further every

boy.

Agony put a blade in my hand and told me it

was okay.

Healing was never there for me when I needed

her most.

The group called themselves trauma.

And they’re the ones that just can’t take a hint

and

leave

me

alone.

66
Untitled Thoughts pt. 2

I have a long-lost sibling,

and at night I tend to wonder a few things.

What’s their name?

Are they a boy or girl?
How old are they?

I wonder if they think the same things,

or if they even know I exist at all.

67
Absence

Black is the absence of colour.

Trust is the absence of insecurity.

Hunger is the absence of sustenance.

Being a sociopath is the absence of empathy.

Sin is the absence of purity.

Kissing you is the absence of love.

Fathers are absence all together

I live in this absence.

68
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70
50/50

Healed enough to know my self worth,

traumatized enough to know it won’t last.

71
Interview

In an interview they asked me how my friends

would describe me,

“They like to say that I’m a main character.”

“Oh, why is that?”

“Because my life is straight out of a movie, so

crazy that it can’t be real!”

They didn’t hire me.

72
Painting

My life becomes a water colour painting when

you’re not around.
My hand fumbles with the paint brush of
reality,
while I splash too much water on the canvas of
my life.
my image drowns in self-doubt
as the colour seems to fade,
and everything just feels

dull.

73
Stepping Up

You try to heal a kid that isn’t yours.

Thank you.

74
Hugging others
Not flinching
Speaking my mind
Singing
Enjoying food
Clear arms
Not giving a shit about
what others think
Loving my body
Happiness

-I Never Knew I Lost You Until I Found

You Again

75
When you plant a rose,
the growing process isn’t linear.

For a rose to bloom,

it takes care and time.

Sometimes the bud you worked so hard to

grow,
will die.

But in the end,

you get a beautiful array of nature,
which includes its thorns.

It’s not perfect,

but that’s what makes it so.

So water the roses,

because something magical will grow.

-I’m Not Talking About Roses

76
For My Loved Ones

Don’t be scared by what you read in these

pages.
Just know I am no longer pained by these
memories,
and this was my way of releasing it.

77
Golden Flames in a Vast Sea

Don’t worry about what drowns these pages,

for I am a poet and my words are gold.
They flicker and dance in the flame of passion
that rests between my heart and soul.
The specks take flight as they guide my hands,
stringing together sentences
like they string together my being.
I am a poet whose words hold power,
which I intend to use.
and I’ll never cower at a stray ember that’s lost
its way.
My words are gold,
and I will never let anyone tell me differently
again.

78
79
 Acknowledgements

Writing this book has been one hell

of a roller coaster,

and

Without the help and guidance of

Trevor Miller, who never failed to
be an exceptional role model in life.

Without the unconditional support

and love from Hailey Jesiak, who
held my hand through every tough
time touched upon in this book.

Without Jeremy Brisley, who

stepped up to fill in the roll of father
in my story and who talked me
through every mental breakdown
this book caused.

80
 Without every single person who
has had a positive impact in my life.

This book wouldn’t have been able

to come to fruition.

81
 About the Author
As I’m writing this, I’m 17 and about to
graduate high school.

I’ve been writing short stories since my

elementary school best friend told me in
7th grade that she wanted to be a writer. It
could have been because I wanted to be
exactly like her. Or maybe it was
because I realized I had a knack for
writing. But after feeling the adrenaline
rush I got from story boarding my first
piece, I knew that there would never be a
job out there that satisfied me as much as
writing did.

It’s a release in a way. I have so many

ideas swirling inside my head, that when
I finally sit down to write the words
seem too fly. The aching pressure bursts
and I can’t accurately describe the
chemical reaction that my body goes
through. It’s like when you get an A on a
test you studied days for. The complete,

82
 utter satisfaction that fills you head to
toe.

That’s how writing feels for me.

I’ve spent years contemplating what

career path to choose, but it’s always
been right in front of me. I’m a writer,
and I know now that nothing is going to
stop me from achieving that dream.

So I leave you with this,

As Rafael told Jane in “Jane The Virgin”

when she was doubting pursuing her
dream.

Be Brave.

Because it is so worth it.

83
 Index

Guilt
Practioner
Overwhelming guilt
More Than Just a Sickness
Coping
Gift From You to Me
My 5 Stages of Grief
Many Firsts
I Shouldn’t Have Been There
Silver Circle

Resent
Imposter
Green
Empty Words Hurt
No One Likes a Smart Ass
Highs and Lows
Dead Beat
Teen Mom Minus The Mom
Growing Up Too Soon
Adderall
Closing Night
84
Unfiltered
If Getting Kicked Out Was Normal
Punishment
Terrified To Be Related
Please Pick Up
Must Hurt Hey?
Left With So Many Questions
Please Save Me

Heartbreak
Trigger
Constant Roundabout
Inner Battle
Slammer
Abuser
To Love or be Loved
Repeat
Death Grip
Late Night Questions pt.1
Message To Future Me
Sin
Match
Inevitable
Untitled Thoughts pt.1
I’m Not a Yoyo
Late Night Questions pt.2
85
Back Hand
Unhealthy Communication

Agony
Scars
Don’t Call Me Selfish
Creating a Bomb
Dear Reader
The Friend I Never Wanted
Choices
White Lie
Sibling Bond
The Friend I Never Wanted
Untitled Thoughts pt.2
Absence

Healing
50/50
Interview
Painting
Stepping Up
I Never knew I Lost You Until I Found
I’m Not Talking About Roses
For My Loved Ones
Golden Flames in a Vast Sea
86
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