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LIFE KIT
MEGHAN KEANE
https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes 1/10
9/22/2020 How To Say No: 5 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser : Life Kit : NPR
It can be tempting to say yes to things you just don't want to do. Might as
well just get it done so nothing bad happens, right?
But there's a high price for constantly aiming to make other people
happy.
https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes 2/10
9/22/2020 How To Say No: 5 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser : Life Kit : NPR
"We suppress and repress who we are to please others," says Natalie Lue.
She coaches people to curb their people-pleasing tendencies.
When your top priority is to be liked all the time, you aren't in touch with
what you need. "You are going to find it very, very difficult to do what
you need to do for you," Lue says.
People pleasing isn't something that just pushovers do. Lue notes that
perfectionists tend to be prone to people pleasing.
The good news is that it's a changeable habit. Here are some tips that Lue
recommends.
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"People pleasers do not have many no's or even maybes in that week,"
says Lue.
Notice and record how each of those requests made you feel.
"What type of things tend to stress you out? What [is it] that [sets] you
off? Pay attention to that," says Lue. This helps identify the times when
https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes 3/10
9/22/2020 How To Say No: 5 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser : Life Kit : NPR
you say no and everything turns out fine — so you know what situations
you can say no to in the future.
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Keeping notes also reveals the kinds of requests or people who might
cause you anxiety. For those interactions, Lue says, "Ask yourself: What's
the baggage behind this?" Does a certain kind of request remind you of a
bad relationship or some other traumatic event?
"People pleasing is a response to old hurts and loss," she says. "It is
undoubtedly ... a survival and coping mechanism that we've learned in
childhood and then just continued on in adulthood."
This habit can also be a survival tactic, Lue notes, for those from
marginalized backgrounds to repress who they are.
It's a lot to unpack. But once you know where you can safely say no, try
setting a goal of saying no a certain number of times per day. Lue says it's
OK if you don't meet that goal.
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9/22/2020 How To Say No: 5 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser : Life Kit : NPR
"But starting to actually cut back allows us to get a feel of what it can be
like," she explains.
"We might look at our week [and realize], 'I spend, like, 90% of my week
doing stuff that feels like I'm trapped. ... This is why I'm anxious,' "
explains Lue.
The next time someone asks you for something, assess your time and
energy before taking on new responsibilities.
She says people pleasers spend a lot of energy going out of their way for
others, expecting that energy source to keep renewing itself.
"But the way that we're spending our bandwidth means that, actually, we
affect our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health," she says.
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9/22/2020 How To Say No: 5 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser : Life Kit : NPR
Start to notice the kinds of requests that align with your values or make
you feel good. Of course, there are some tasks that will just have to get
done. But Lue says being intentional with saying yes can be eye-opening.
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"There is great power in the pause," says Lue. Often a people pleaser
jumps to say yes to get rid of any perceived tension or anxiety.
Pausing not only buys you a little time but helps you assess what's really
behind the request. Was this a demand? Or was it just a suggestion? This
quiets anxious thoughts that might lead you right back to people-
pleasing.
https://www.npr.org/2020/09/15/913207918/how-to-say-no-for-the-people-pleaser-who-always-says-yes 6/10
9/22/2020 How To Say No: 5 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser : Life Kit : NPR
Lue says the soft no should be only about three sentences long. A
common mistake, she says, is giving too much of an explanation or being
over-apologetic. Doing that can give the person asking for the favor an
opportunity to ask for more — or it can just make the person confused.
Stick with an elegant and short soft no, and Lue says you might start to
notice a shift in how you feel after resisting the urge to people-please.
"Oh, the sky is still up there. I am OK. The world has not basically
collapsed around me."
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