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 GNOMISH UTOPIA

The Overlook Hotel, in Colorado, became the new home of the almost omnipotent,
perverted, but ultimately good hearted gnome sorcerer Jigolanthas, after his unfair and
tyrannical exile (according to him) form Lollipop City, the utopic metropolis he himself
had created thousands of years ago in the faraway Planet of Nagaloka. Exile on Earth was
a very boring time for the little man.

Planet Earth was not a very exciting place for Jiji. In the year 2022, after more than a
decade of involuntary exile, the gnome felt a terrible nostalgia. He finally understood the
burden of his extremely long life for the first time. He had anything and everything he
could wish, because he was after all, one of the most powerful magicians in the
multiverse, but being exiled from the Utopia he had built over thousands of years, he felt
no desire for anything any more.

He had lost the war against Agua the Lizardman and his allies. They had invaded
Lollipop City with an army of dwarves and minotaurs ten years ago, with the excuse of
"liberating" the lizard folk, who were not allowed to build their Temple to Lord    Krishna
because of a legal technicality.    Jiji's army had been defeated and he had been forced to
leave planet Nagaloka forever, abandoning the perfect city he himself had built.

And of all the destinations possible to him, Jiji chose to settle on Planet Earth, and of all
the places available to him on Planet Earth, he chose to settle in the famous semi-
abandoned "Overlook Hotel", which Jigolanthas lovingly re-built stone by stone with an
army of zombies he conjured up to serve him. And now, he had settled down to keep to
himself, studying the mysteries of the multiverse in quiet, meditative desperation. But,
really, mostly watching old movies and smoking way too much dope, bored out of his
mind.

Behind him, somewhere in Planet Nagaloka remained his 140,000 wives from a myriad
of species, from lizard women, goblins, minotaurs, and even centaurs, his close to 1
million children of a myriad species, his great city, his gigantic penis-like tower, which
was as tall as the Empire State Building, and his the pride. The war had taken all this
away from him. His frustration had no end, but King Agua (who became Emperor King
of the Multiverse after the war) had spared Jiji's life, which was actually pretty cool. No
hard feelings and all, just war.   

The unexpected visit of Stego, the gigantic, ancient Blue Dragon, King Agua's best friend
(and personal mount, of course), who appeared out of a mile high psychedelic portdal just
above the hotel on Halloween day, finally made the gnome's boredom end. And it gave
the little fellow a little hope that perhaps he would be finally able to return to his beloved
city, the most magical place in the multi-universe.

Stego landed loudly, with a great beating of his huge wings exactly in the front yard of
the hotel. The dragon roared when he landed, causing a mass exodus of all the humans
who worked as hired help for the upkeep of the huge property.   
Jiji, not impressed by the ancient dragon's antics, and still upset about loseing the war,
came out wearing a bathrobe, and holding his gigantic wooden pipe.

"What's up, doc?" He said dismissively.

"Elder Jigolanthas, sorry to bother you unannounced."

"Yeah, well, you freaked out all my hired help. Now, I'm gonna have to find new humans
to work for me... But no biggie. Tell me, what are you doing here on planet Earth?" Jiji
shrugged.

"I came to visit you, I thought it was evident." The dragon said sheepishly.

Jigolanthas frowned. This dragon had been part of the invading army that had taken his
city hostage and then exiled him and his friends out of the planet. He was, effectively, his
enemy. Except the war had ended, and his enemies had spared his life.

"Yes, well.. huh... of course. Come on in. Although, wouldn't you rather take a different
form? It's kind of crowded inside, if you know what I mean."

The enormous blue dragon used his considerable magic powers and turned himself into
an old, blue-bearded gnome, looking a bit like Jiji himself, but far rounder, and with a
mellow looking face. In fact, Stego looked like a gnomish, bearded Steven King.

"Perfect. You will find the place much more comfortable in that body. Come on in. Can I
offer you something? LSD? Peyote? Ayahuasca?" Jiji had been always interested in
psychedelics.

Stego walked up and through the great front hall.

"No thanks. Perhaps an Irish Coffee." he said. His voice changed by his new form.

"Of course, whatever you wish." Jiji made a perplexed gesture.

They sat together in Jack Torrance's writing room. The one where Jack dreamed that he
killed Wendy and his own son. Jack's yellow typewriter was still there, with a sheet of
paper on it.

"Interesting choice for a home, Jigolanthas..." Stego smiled.

"I always loved the movie The Shinning. And I got this property for next to nothing. So I
re-built the Hotel completely. It is beautiful, quiet, and nobody ever comes here because
of it's reputation for being haunted. The hundred of so zombies I conjured help. Hard to
keep living hired help though. They ... Don't last long out here on account of all the
undead." Jiji smiled.

"The ghosts don't bother you, Jiji?"

"Oh no, besides most of the hard work is done by the zombies I raised myself from
scratch, they are cheap and plentiful. I found lots of dead bodies under the hotel property
for some reason. Maybe it was an Indian Burial Ground." Jiji smiled.

Just then, an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, totally naked succubus, complete with her
sexy bat-wings and tail came in with a little tray full of goodies which she placed in front
of the two gnomes. For Stego, she poured a piping hot coffee, a shot of whiskey and
topped it with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Then she set Jigolanthas' favorite
Turkish hookah full of strong smelling weed, and a cup of tea on his side-table. She left
wordlessly back into the shadows.

"So, how are things back in Nagaloka, Stego? Specifically, how goes my beloved
Lollipop City as the New Capital of the Multiverse? Is there still a red-district?" Jiji
smoked the long twisting cloth and metal pipe.

"It's complicated. Heaven is not finished yet, and now I already got promoted to become
the Devil by Emperor Agua Himself." Stego sighed. "But you probably know all this...
don't you? You're still Omniscient, right."

"No, actually, since I lost the war, I take very little interest in monitoring my former
enemy and his shenanigans once he became Emperor of the Multiverse. Let him worry
about the intricacies of the dual nature of reality. I am retired from politics, Stego. You
guys beat me in the war fair and square, and I got bumped to this backwards planet so I
would no longer affect the power-structure in my own planet or the rest of the realms. I
was exiled by you and your cohorts, remember? I'm out." Jiji seemed genuinely saddened
by his own words.

"Yeah, about that... We need you back. Jigolanthas. We need you in Lollipop City." Stego
sighed.

Jiji smiled. He had expected something like this for a long time, but now that it had
become a reality, he was too excited to keep his poker face.

"Back in 2012, when Krishna and Jesus played the future of the multiverse in a game of
Dungeons & Dragons, and a single roll of a 20-sided dice gave Krishna ownership of the
Multiverse, Krishna set King Agua as his new Avatar to rule over all. But Agua... Is just a
childish lizard, with no clue as to how to rule space and time. His first objective was the
liberation of the souls of all sentient beings from the bondange of duality and the ocean of
suffering, a kind of perpetual Nirvana for all to end time, death, and ignorance forever."

"But my old friend Agua was a little confused about the concept, so instead, he just
wished that anybody in Lollipop City would have unlimited funds to buy whatever they
wanted. Well, the creation of wealth also creates poverty, so suddenly, from being a
liberated soul, I was "promoted" to become the most evil being in the Multiverse, just so I
could accomplish the task set upon me by my Emperor. I made everybody in Lollipop
City rich instantly, and Emperor Agua, bored now that he thought he had won against
evil, retired. He went into the Pink Tower, your former home, and shut himself in, going
into such a deep meditation that he no longer has much to do with reality."
"So, I am now the de-facto ruler of Lollipop City, and by default, of the Multiverse. But
the place is a mess. I have Bodhisattvas living next to African Orishas, and Abrahamic
Angels like Gabriel and Michael living next to prehispanic deities like Kukulkan and
Tlaloc. Anybody from anywhere in the Many Universes and all of time from Alpha to
Omega have moved to Lollipop City to stake their little bit of heaven. I had to create a
parallel reality just to accommodate some of them, and various strains of the multi-verse
had to be erased because in almost all of them, Planet Earth was destroyed by the
apocalypse."

"And to make it even more complicated, certain races, like orcs and goblins also have an
ancestral right to live there, and their deities are notoriously non-enlightened, basing most
of the actions of the ignorance of good, ergo, demoniac behaviour."

"Add to this that I have to insure that wealth continues to exist in Nagaloka. All this
absurdity is making me the absolutely the most evil being in the place, which I am not,
but now I am, and all I get is a melting pot of absolute absurdity that would make
Pandemonium look like a Catholic Choir. Like I said: it's complicated. So I need your
help."

Stego drank his Irish Coffee, and before he could ask for another, the sexy succubus
appeared and put a fresh cup on his side-table. He looked genuinely preoccupied.

"Bodhisattvas next to Orishas?" Jigolanthas smiled.

"The Archangel Gabriel's mansion is now next to Loki's private Hotel and Whorehouse."
Stego shrugged.

"Sounds like you... completed my life's work perfectly, Stego." Jigolanthas smiled again.

"Pardon?" Stego was confused.

Jigolanthas explained:

"Let me give you a little history lesson, Stego. When we won the war against the humans
and brought down the New Roman Empire in Nagaloka, back in ... Earth Time 33 AD,
there was a split between two groups: the dwarves, who were the most numerous slaves
of New Rome, and the rest of the races enslaved by humans: elves, goblins, lizard
people... A myriad of humanoids, a mix of intelligent beings who suddenly found
themselves free from the tyranny of mankind but in danger of becoming second-class
citizens in a racist newly formed dwarf nation."

"The dwarves, who were quite valued by the humans as stonemasons wanted to rebuild
New Rome as their new homeland, but they didn't really want to share it fully with the
many goblins and other humanoids who had also been slaves of the humans, many of
whom had ancient rivalries with the dwarves before the humans enslaved everybody."

"So we split. The dwarves started to rebuild New Rome with King Grumps, their fascist
leader, and the rest of the races came with us, myself, Rainsong the human, and Xan the
elf. We needed to find a new homeland. King Grumps rebuilt New Rome, which he now
called    Grumpslandia, a National Socialist Workers dwarf-only nation, and made himself
sole furher. The rest of us left the ruined city, hoping to find a new homeland. It was our
exodus."

"We found some fine swamps not to far to the west. The lands belonged to a large tribe of
lizard men who lived in crude mud huts from fishing and farming. They were gentle
creatures, with no real desire for war or conquest."   

"So we arrived not as conquerors, but as friends, showing the primitive lizard people
better ways to build buildings, roads, schools, hospitals, and of course, a real democracy.
We were a curious lot: gnomes, elves and humans, trolls, goblins and ogres, even the
undead joined us, dragons, demons, imps, giants... All of us determined to be free."

"The most important thing was to respect each other. Never again would we allow any
one race to enslave or genocide andy other race. And since we were all so utterly unique,
so different, we settled on creating a true democracy, where everybody could vote on the
way we should live. Oddly enough, since the most populous race was lizard people, they
became the silent majority, and we were forced to create a two-chamber system to
balance their power, with each race having their own representative in a House of Races,
representing each race with one vote and then another House of Vox Populi, representing
the majority vote, which, of course, was dominated by the lizards. A very fair system."

"Somehow, the protection of the minorities and freaks worked marvelously, and soon, we
had a democratic empire to rival any other nation in Planet Nagaloka. Then Agua and
you, and King Grumps of the dwarves, and Princes Minoreyna of the Minotaurs invaded
us, using Agua's as a pawn to take our democracy down. Thank you, Stego. You ruined
our utopia. So pardon me if it does not break my heart if now is not going very well."
Jigolanthas had a broad ironic smile on his face.

The dragon's visit was the most pleasant thing that had happened to him since his defeat
in the dwarf wars. Somehow, Agua's failure to establish a true enlightenment for all
sentient beings in Nagaloka was a victory for the old gnome. It proved that his vision of
utopia was much more powerful than the theocratic vision of utopia of the poor deluded,
but all-powerful lizardman.

"It is complicated, Jigolanthas." Stego sighed deeply.

"What seems to be the problem? You guys are omnipotent. You can force enlightenment
for everybody." Jiji puffed.

"Well, we did. Agua's first motion as Emperor of the Multiverse was to cause all sentient
beings to become enlightened. That happened back in 2012. And reality ended. There was
nothing left. Nothing. Emptiness. Time itself ended. Just Agua and myself stood in a
total... emptiness. It was a disaster."

"Of course, if you make all beings enlightened, you eliminate desire. If you eliminate
desire, nobody feels the need to exist any longer. SO even the rocks would decide to stop
existing." Jigolanthas mused. "Why didn't I feel it?"

"Because for a few minutes that lasted all eternity, you became enlightened, Jigolanthas,
you just don't remember." Stego sighed again.

"I see."

"So then, we tried making everybody wise, happy and immortal. The ancient Vedic ideal
of "Sat-Chit-Ananda". That also didn't go very well with the demonic beings. The
element of ignorance is at the center of their being, and of course, free will. Some
creatures cling to their ignorance in order to be happy, so it's kind of impossible to satisfy
everybody with infinite wisdom because ignorance is bliss." Stego leaned back and put
his hands over his head.

"I don't consider myself ignorant until I remember that I still have one million children
and 140,000 wives." Jigolanthas laughed.

"Well, if you come back with me, you can see them again..." Stego smiled.

Jigolanthas laughed harder.

"Oh, I do all the time. I portal them here whenever I get antsy about one of them. It
funny, when you have so many wives, you have to admit you get favorites, but you
mustn't let the ones who are not your favorite find out. The exile has worked in my favor
on that point." Jiji looked at his hands guiltily.

"So... You don't want to come back?"

"Why do you really want me to, Stego? You guys fought me to take over my city, exiled
me, and now you want me back? What if I challenge Emperor Agua's order of things?
What if I wrestle control of my city out of his hands once again?"

"Perhaps that is what we need, Jigolanthas. Perhaps we need real conflict in order to
make the city work. I certainly don't have the lust for making sure some half-million
beings who are utterly different one from another live in harmony and peace. I don't want
the job. We need you." Stego looked genuine.

"Do you really?" Jiji puffed his pipe pensive.

"No... not really. We're all omnipotent. But I do need help, old enemy. And you are the
only being on the planet that can hold Lollipop City together successfully. You somehow
managed to keep everybody content before, but all I see is a bunch of stubborn fools
fighting for power amongst themselves that they will never have..."

For a moment, Jiji saw great tiredness in the dragon's gnomish face.

"You never wanted power did you, Stego." Jigolanthas reasoned.

"Power limits freedom. I prefer to be free."

"I see. Very well, I accept. I'll go back." Jigolanthas smiled.

"You won't be able to wrestle the real power from Emperor Agua, you know. You will be
a servant." Stego warned.

"Oh, I know."

"And still you accept my offer?"

"You are single, aren't you. Dragons don't usually marry, they just procreate and then let
the females raise their young."

"Yes. Why?"

"Well, if you had 140,000 wives, like I do, you would understand the real nature of
power. Power is not making people do what you want them to. Real power if making
people want what you want."

"Pardon?"

"You value freedom above all else. But real power is found in making other folks need
you, and that limits what you can do for yourself, Stego. You must always compromise.
Get married, Stego, you'll understand how to run the Multiverse. You might THINK your
slaves work for you, but in the end, it's you who work for them. Any married man with
lots of kids can tell you... Freedom is not an option. But love is worth every second in
chains. Imagine, if you will, 144,000 women, all telling you how you must live your life.
And making sure all of them are satisfied at the end of the day. It's madness. Life is
madness! That is why you guys can't take care of Lollipop City. You are both too sane...
You need a madman in charge." Jigolanthas laughed.