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Sim, C (2013). Co-parenting among East Asian

parents: Collective wisdom. In L. X. Hy
(Ed.), Fostering spiritual and psychological
development. Baton Rouge, LA: St. Michael.

Co-parenting Among East Asian Parents: Collective Wisdom

Charles Sim, S.J.

When I listened to East Asian couples on co-parenting

(parenting together) in my recent research interviews, I marveled at
how many couples initially thought of co-parenting as their joint
efforts in “disciplining” their children. However, I found that
discipline is often coupled with loving care and is only one aspect of
what co-parenting means for the couples. In most East Asian
cultures, parenting is implicitly the main responsibility of the mother,
thus leaving the father with the peripheral role of providing
occasional help in the household chores or in some instances the care
of the child. However, this trend is quickly fading away in families
that are living in urbanized and modern cities throughout East and
Southeast Asia, and more so in the Western world. So how do East
Asian parents work together these days to bring up their children in
the best possible way that they know, given the challenges of co-
parenting?
Asian Americans are the fastest-growing racial group in the
United States, growing by 43 percent from 10.2 million to 14.7
million from 2000 to 2010 (U.S. Census, 2010). However little is
known of how these couples go about co-parenting given that most
of these families have young children. Furthermore, we do not know
how parents themselves understand and what they considered as
important in co-parenting since little is known from their lived
experience. This chapter is based on in-depth interviews with East
and Southeast Asian couples living in Minnesota, United States,
done to better understand what co-parenting meant for these couples
given their present milieu, and their own unique cultural heritage. In
understanding how parents work together to care for their children, it
is important that we focus on what really works for them, besides the
challenges since their lived experience and insights may provide
some helpful guides for others to be better parents.
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Concept of Co-parenting
Co-parenting here refers to both husband and wife living and
working closely together in the same home for the good of their
children. The concept of co-parenting is beginning to take center
stage in modern East Asian families. There is a growing realization
that children need both parents for their healthy developmental
growth, especially the active presence of the father in the family.
Co-parenting is defined by Professor James McHale as “the extent in
which partners share leadership and support one another in their
mutual roles as architects and heads of the family.” The essence of
co-parenting “involves mutual support and commitment to parenting
the child” (McHale,1995). According to family researchers, co-
parenting is seen as distinct from the parent-child dyadic relationship
and the couple relationship, and has been found to have an important
independent influence on the developmental growth of a child co-
parenting.
The concept of co-parenting may not always be in the minds
of parents given that parenting alone with one’s child is the norm for
most parents, especially mothers. It may take some time for parents
to realize that what they do collaboratively, such as caring,
encouraging, teaching their children, emotionally supporting and
complementing each other, is in fact elements that constitute
towards co-parenting. In my conversations with married couples, I
come to appreciate that when parents work closely together in love,
respect and care, they ensure not only the healthy physical and
emotional development of their children but also the spiritual growth
of themselves as individual, parents and as a couple.

Understanding Co-parenting
What is the understanding of co-parenting for these East
Asian parents? Parents gave different definitions of co-parenting.
However, it appeared that there is a main theme across the various
definitions, which is couple’s commitment to each other and to the
children. This theme is expressed in different ways as the expression
of love between parents witnessed by the children. One Korean
mother said, “I think (what) is best (in) parenting is that they
(parents) loving together that I think is the most important. Kids can
see that in the family and second thing is (having) the same rule.
Sometimes ok but sometimes, no, that I think not good ways of (doing
parenting)”. Parents also think that it is important to share common
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understanding regarding disciplinary rules, teamwork and

complementary roles, parental responsibility and ensure that
disagreements are not avoided but meaningfully resolved for the
good of the children. Some parents consider co-parenting as having
compromises, besides cultivating respect and trust in each other’s
approach to parenting. And according to a Taiwanese couple, the
“active presence” of both parents in the lives of the children is what
constitutes co-parenting, meaning that parents must be both
physically present and emotionally engaged with members in the
family. A number of couples also pointed out that parenting together
is about being a “good role model” for their children. One of the best
models parents can provide is the way they care and love each other
in their relationship. It is in witnessing this loving commitment
between parents that children learn the value of love itself and are
nourished by it. Therefore, I think that parents’ commitment to each
other, to their children, and their relationship provides the basic
foundation for co-parenting among these East Asian parents.

Influencing Factors on Co-parenting

There are contributing factors which influence the way
couples go about parenting together. Among these influencing
factors on co-parenting are the parent’s family-of-origin, values and
beliefs, openness to influence, parenting style and personality.
Family-of-origin
The most important influencing factor for most couples in
co-parenting is the influence from the parent’s family-of-origin.
Family-of-origin affects each parent differently in the way he/she
goes about parenting together. Some parents would bring what they
had experienced as children into their present couple and co-
parenting relationship, like strict disciplinary rules, religious beliefs,
cultural and traditional practices, and having constant couple
conversation.
The traditional strict discipline or unrealistic expectations
from one’s family-of-origin has its detrimental effects on some
parents. One Korean parent described it as being in the shadow of
his father when it comes to discipline and expectations: “I also found
my father in myself when I am angry with my daughters when I
disciplined them. She (wife) told me about that. So I tried not to do
that, yea, but actually I think I am still in the shadow of my father
even if he passed away and I tried not to do that”. There is the
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unconscious reenacting of strict discipline that he experienced earlier

in his childhood. It takes much personal reflection or honest
feedback from one’s spouse to be aware of such behaviors in the
couple interactions.
Listening to the parent’s talking about family-of-origin gave
me a glimpse to “why and how” each parent goes about co-
parenting. I recognize the importance of understanding the stories of
each parent’s family-of-origin since it provides valuable insights into
their efforts to work together.
Values and Beliefs
Family values and religious beliefs of the parents may also
be transmitted from one generation to another. However, some
couples created their own family values as a reaction to what was
lacking in their family-of-origin, or as a result of realizing the
importance of these values through education and lived experience as
parents. The values imparted to their children vary among couples,
but are rooted in their cultural and religious beliefs, education,
family-of-origin, personal experience as well as Confucian ethics,
which are common among the various cultures within East Asia.
Parents also strive to cultivate personal values in their children, like
respect for the elderly, hard work, humbleness and appreciation of
one’s cultural heritage, especially through the use of the ethnic
language. A Hmong mother puts it this way: “They (parents) really
teach me how to respect the eldest and that is something I carried on
and teach my kids is that they need to learn how to respect their
eldest, talk politely and always say, “thank-you” and also I think it is
very important for my kids, my tradition, my Hmong tradition and
our culture, providing traditional outfits for the kids so that they
know and things like that. I carried them on because that is very
important and that determines who they are.”
Openness to Influence
Openness to accept influence from one’s spouse greatly
assists the process of parenting together. More often than not,
husbands find it difficult to accept any influence from their wives.
Thus openness to accept influence in one’s marital relationship,
especially for the husband, can make a significant difference in
parenting together. In an interview with another Taiwanese couple,
the husband mentioned that his wife highlighted the need to establish
regular couple’s communication so as to avoid impeding conflicts.
She noticed the problems but he was quite oblivious until she alerted
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him to them. He said, “(to his wife) You found some of the problems
right because I was totally focused on my job and you kind of
complaint, ‘you always work and so’. She found some (problems),
she told me couple of days ago ‘if we don’t talk, the big problem will
happen’ so that reminded me of the reason why we argued with each
other. But if we talk, we know, we kind of know each other more so
that we don’t argue that seriously”. Here the wife was being
sensitive to the couple’s emotional ‘thermometer’ and initiated the
discussion to address problems that might emerge in their couple and
co-parenting relationship. It was important that the call to reestablish
a set time for their communication was accepted by the husband,
thus paving the way to reestablish a healthier couple relationship that
in turn influences co-parenting.
Parenting Style and Personality
Couples also shared that they have different parenting styles
given their family-of-origin, which can be areas for contention if not
carefully negotiated. Parenting style is also related to one’s
personality, temperament of the child and may change over time.
Thus, I believe that understanding both the personality of the parent
and child greatly helps in the process of co-parenting, especially
whenever there is a need to establish a working pattern with the child
who is having behavioral issues.
Parents also complement each other based on their different
personality traits, which significantly influence the nature of their co-
parenting roles. For example, the mother who is more of a “natural
planner” may help monitor the daily schedule of the child while the
father who prefers to look at the “bigger picture” will focus on the
general direction in the child’s formation. In this way, the strengths
of each parent are utilized in the co-parenting process.
It is interesting to note that one parent would learn to accept
the other’s parenting style especially in disciplining the child despite
initial disagreements. This is particularly true for fathers, who
usually came to accept the mother’s style. Discipline of the child is
often a topic of contention for parents especially when the child
reaches preschool or school age, when social activities significantly
increase. Therefore, parents need to take note of the transitional
stages of the child, which may demand greater co-parenting efforts
and modifying their parenting style over time.
The influencing factors on parenting together can either be
external or internal as discussed above. I believe the most
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challenging factors are those coming from one’s family-of-origin and

personality, which, to a large extent, determine what parents do in
co-parenting. In addition, there are systemic interactions among
family-of-origin, parenting style and personality. It is often through
the eyes and loving help of one’s spouse that one gradually begins to
realize the extent of their effects.

Challenges in Co-parenting
As the saying goes, “gold needs to be tested by fire” to know
its real worth. Likewise, the challenges of co-parenting test the
commitment of the parents towards each other. Parenting together
poses many challenges as well as offer valuable lessons for couples
along their family journey.
The challenges faced by parents can be categorized into
three groups: issues between the parents, those with the children and
those exerted by culture and society. The main challenges between
parents are differences in personality and parenting style as a result
of one’s family-of-origin or misunderstanding of each other’s
parenting goals. Other challenges include the issue of ongoing
negotiation which neither parent is prepared or willing to discuss. It
is challenging also for some parents to strike a balance between work
and family life especially with more than two children and to keep
one’s unique cultural heritage within a Western milieu.
Another challenge is in managing the role expectations of
the other parent, where failure to do so may give rise to tension
between parents. A working professional and mother described,
“Most of the time is that he (husband) has to commute every day and
I would be taking care of our daughter. I will be home earlier and
sometimes he brings his work to do at home and which I don’t like
but he says that he has to do that because the criteria for (promotion
in) his school is kind of high. So I think some of the conflicts come
from between parenting and balance of our own career. I think that
is the main thing”. Thus the couple has to constantly negotiate in
order to avoid unnecessary conflict in the relationship.
The level of acculturation, which is often determined by
one’s English language proficiency, also poses a challenge for
migrant parents. The disparity in the rate of the language acquisition
is a real concern for the parents, particularly if one parent is the main
caregiver who stays at home or only interacts within one’s ethnic
community where the use of English is limited. In this way, the
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parent may feel incompetent as compared to their child’s command

of the English language over time. There is also the possibility of
role reversal when it comes to dealing with teacher’s report, helping
with school work or dealing with other social activities. This
concern is expressed by one Korean mother who has been in the
States for ten years, “We (parents) didn’t attend elementary school
in United States. So I don’t know what exactly right or not. My
problem is my English because I (did) not talk more with her friends
then when she was young (which) was ok, just simple words with her
friends or teachers but nowadays more formal grammar is (needed),
sometimes I worry if she (feels) embarrass because of me or not? So
that was my challenge in parenting when she was growing up. I
worried when I couldn’t help her education or the school work”.
Other parents found it challenging to set appropriate limits
for the child as described by a young Hmong father: “how do you
know that he cross the limit that you know that he needs to be
reprimanded?” I believe this is a common question that many
parents will ask themselves in their parenting practices, since some
limits are more indisputable while others may not be so.

Strengths in Co-Parenting
It is interesting that couples give more thoughts to their
challenges than their strengths in parenting together. With some
probing, couples eventually identified the following as their
strengths: the constant assurance they give to their children regarding
their unconditional love and support, and ability to complement each
other in their co-parenting efforts despite their personality
differences. One Japanese father shared that the strength in their co-
parenting lies in having clear parenting roles between his wife and
him where physical activities (sports) with his son are his
responsibility and that of emotional support goes to the wife.
Other strengths considered by couples are their commitment
to the general rules and daily routine of the children, including their
concerted effort in implementing the family rules. Respect for the
other parent’s action in disciplining the child instead of trying to
undermine his/her efforts in parenting is also mentioned. A
Taiwanese father shared: “I think I respect what she (wife) does even
though sometimes the kids give us challenge, new challenge all the
time. When they are pretty small they create new challenge to us
and we kind of respect whoever action, whatever action that was
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taken then we may discussed later whether this is appropriate or not.

So then we have a set rules and so that the kid does not get confused
between me as parent or she”.
Couples also perceived having similar academic and
cultural background as their strengths. Another Korean couple
considered good couple communication as their strengths. The wife
believed that the ability of a couple to have ongoing communication
is crucial in the couple relationship and in parenting together.
According to an old martial adage “unless love grows a little each
day in your marriage it will die a natural death sooner rather than
later”.

Transformation of Parents
As I approached the end of the interview, I would usually
ask couples: “how and whether parenting together have or not have
affected you as parent through the years?” What one enlightened
father said has vividly remained with me, “I don’t think that
parenting is just for child, but it is also for growth as a person for
each of us and also as a partner, as a couple. And in the process of
talking about the child, the process of discussing about the child,
there is the couple, and I think we grow as a couple and as a
person”. Indeed there is a certain transformative effect on the parent
individually and as a couple when they are committed to each other
and the children.
A professional working mother of two children shared that
there is also a redeeming effect in good couple relationship provided
that she allows herself to be influenced in the best sense of the word.
Understanding and kind patience from one spouse can be a healing
experience for the other. The redeeming effect would flow into her
positive manner of interacting with others and her parenting together.
“He is very patient and it takes like maybe several years for me to
gradually learn something (about) myself but sometimes, I feel that
very strange that he has that kind of patience and these gradually
have some effects on my situation”.
Parenting together has brought parents even closer together
as a couple as never imagined before. A Hmong couple narrated:
Mother: “I think it has made us way more closer than we can
imagine”. Father: “We have grown closer and I would say, looking
back, four kids, a lot of work! We would not have imagined four kids
but it is a lot of work and we do find that.” Mother: “But it is
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rewarding”. Father: “It is a lot of work but we strive and say, when
they grow up the rewards will be there, so”. Mother:
“Understanding each other more than we first got married, you
know, because you know raising kids is going through a life together,
you learn a lot about each other and you learn to respect each other
more and love each other more and accept each other as who we
are, more, so yeah”. For this couple, there is a deepening of couple
relationship as well as feeling of togetherness in raising four children
over the years. There is also the sense of “reward” for the parents in
seeing the healthy growth of their children because of their selfless
contributions. This “reward” is immeasurable for it gives deep
satisfaction regarding one’s meaning in life including that sense of
generativity which happens whenever one helps to nurture the
healthy development of a child or another person.
In a sense, there is a positive transformative process for
parents in parenting together. Becoming a parent also provides a
“mirror” for one to practice self-reflection and openness to critical
comments from one’s spouse. It also provides the opportunity for
more in-depth reflections on one’s behavior and attitude in life.
According to the experience of a father: “I think because my wife is,
you know, when I say something she responds very critically that
makes me think and then she can also make my life incredibly
uncomfortable too. So there are a lot of things that I have to deal
with and those actually make you think”. For most of the
interviewed couples, co-parenting has helped them to grow closer
together in understanding, acceptance, respect and love for each
other. In other words, through the challenges, struggles and joys of
parenting together, they gradually matured in their couple and co-
parenting relationships.

Advice for Younger Parents

Finally, to enable couples to summarize their thoughts on
parenting together, I asked them for the advice they would give to
other younger parents in their co-parenting endeavors. Some
experienced couples emphasized that parents should try to place a
positive connotation on each other’s actions since both of them want
the best for their children. Furthermore, limiting blame, such as not
jumping to critical comments, will help parenting together, since
what one parent sees is only a “slice” of reality. Patience and
suspending critical judgment of the other parent’s behavior will help
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to strengthen co-parenting.
To better manage parent’s personality differences so as to
avoid conflicts, mutual reminders are needed to get the couple back
on track. When parents work closely together to help the child in
his/her transitional stages, it will enable the child to be more
successful in facing challenges.
Other pieces of advice given to younger parents are to have
constant communication and know the temperament of the child so
that the parenting styles can be adapted accordingly. Having respect
and trust in each other’s parenting abilities is crucial for co-parenting
since children need clear directions to stay on the right track.
Therefore, I see that collaboration requires parents to learn from their
experience of co-parenting, which is always a “work-in-progress”.
One last piece of advice for younger parents is that they need
to be authentic in their words and deeds since the children always
observe and model the parents. Therefore, parents need to realize
that they cannot hide their inadequacies or limitations. Thus, it is
better to be honest with oneself when a relationship fails and be
willing to seek forgiveness from the other, even from the child. It is
truly a humbling experience to be good parents since it takes
tremendous amount of courage, effort, openness to influence,
personal reflection and even self-abnegation. Parenting together is
indeed a journey of learning and self-discovery.

Conclusion
When I was completing my interview with a Catholic
couple, the mother softly whispered and expressed; “children are
gifts from God”. I agree with her, and parents are indeed custodians
of this wonderful gift. This gift is a grace because it is God who
gives and sustains life, and it is also a task because parents’ need to
put in lots of hard work and unconditional love in raising a child. So
parents are in a unique place and time where they are specially
entrusted with new lives. They are called to journey with their
children for a moment, and the children will be theirs no more as
they grow up to become custodians of new gifts themselves.
Therefore the mission of parents is to touch the lives of their children
and leave their signatures of love forever. Furthermore, the gift of
parenthood is also a gift of love and a calling to be who they all are;
children of God. As I looked back at the love, care, support and
sacrifices of my parents, there is one thing that I still vividly recall,
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and it is the love they have for each other even now in their golden
years. For “you cannot give what you do not have” and what we
have freely received we too have to freely give to others.
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Reference

U.S. Census. (2010). 2010 Census Redistricting Data

(Public Law 94-171) Summary File. Retrieved at
http://2010.census.gov/2010census/data/redistricting-data.php

McHale, J. (1995). Co-parenting and triadic interactions

during infancy: The roles of marital distress and child gender.
Developmental Psychology, 31, 985–996.