The Expanded Family Life Cycle Individual, Family, and Social P

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The
Expanded
Family Life Cycle
Individual, Family, and
Social Perspectives
THIRD EDITION
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edited by
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Betty Carter and
Monica McGoldrick
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Betty Carter, M.S.W.. is the founder and
Director Emerita (1977-1997) of the Family
Institute of Westchester in White Plains. New
York. Betty Carter brings to this book the
experience of almost 30 years in the field of
family therapy as clinician, supervisor, teacher,
and director of a major training institute. She
has received several awards for her
distinguished contribution to theory and
practice: from Hunter College School of Social
Work (1984); from the American Association
of Marriage and Family Therapy Research
and Education Foundation (1993); and from
the American Family Therapy Academy (1998).
Betty Carter cofounded the Women's Project

in Family Therapy in 1977 with her colleagues
Peggy Papp, Olga Silverstein, and Marianne
Walters. For 20 years, this group gave
workshops throughout the United States and
Europe on gender issues in families and
methods of dealing with these dilemmas in
family therapy. The Women's Project received
the American Family Therapy Academy Award
for Distinguished Contribution to Family
Therapy in 1986, and AAMFTs training Award
in 1998. In 1988, they published their work
in a book that combines the feminist revision
of family therapy theory with many case
illustrations of gender-sensitive family therapy
practice: The Invisible Web: Gender Patterns
in Family Relationships (Guilford Press).
Betty Carter has also written a trade book on

marriage, assisted by writer Joan Peters:
Love, Honor and Negotiate: Building
Partnerships That Last a Lifetime (Pocket
Books. 1996). She has also written numerous
professional book chapters and journal
articles. Many of her clinical interventions
with couples can be seen on the educational
videotapes produced by Steve Lerner (Guilford
Press).
Betty has served on the Editorial Advisory

Boards of The Family Therapy Networker. The
Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, and
Family Process and is an ad hoc reviewer for
The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
She is currently "trying" to retire to life with
her husband of almost 40 years, Sam Carter,
a retired singer and record producer. They
have two adult sons, Bennett and Timothy,
a daughter-in-law, Jennifer, and a grandson,
Dylan, born in 1996.
Of all her areas of special interest. Betty says

she loves the family life cycle framework most
"because it contains all the other ideas and
has room for more."
continued on back flap
Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2012
http://archive.org/details/expandedfamilyliOOcart
THE EXPANDED FAMILY
LIFE CYCLE
INDIVIDUAL, FAMILY, AND
SOCIAL PERSPECTIVES
THIRD EDITION
Edited by
BETTY CARTER
Family Institute oj Westchester
and
MONICA McGOLDRICK
Family Institute of New Jersey
ALLYN AND BACON

Boston London Toronto Sydney Tokyo Singapore
To the future of my family, the grandchildren generation: Dylan, Grace, Patrick,
Danny, Michael, Jessica, Adrienne, Jacob, and Joseph, and to those as yet unborn.
B. C.
To John, Guy, and Hugh, all of our godchildren, and nieces and nephews: Stefan,
Ariane, Natalie, Claire, Maria, Gina, Patti, Christiana, Terry, Ryan, Irini, Angeliki, Gabe,
Irene, Stefan, Evan, and William. And to all who will come after them in our family.
M.M.
Copyright © 1999, 1989 by Allyn & Bacon Series Editor, Social Work and Family Therapy: Judy Fifer
A Pearson Education Company Editor-in-Chief, Social Sciences: Karen Hanson
160 Gould Street Series Editorial Assistant: Susan Hutchinson
Needham Heights. MA 02494 Marketing Manager: Lisa Kimball
Sr. Editorial Production Administrator: Susan Mclntyre
Internet: www.abacon.com Editorial Production Service: Ruttle. Shaw & Wetherill, Inc.
Manufacturing Buyer: Megan Cochran
All rights reserved. No part of the material protected by Cover Administrator: Linda Knowles
this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in Electronic Composition: Omegatype Typography, Inc.
any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, in-
cluding photocopying, recording, or by any information

storage and retrieval system, without written permission
from the copyright owner.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data 90000>
The expanded family life cycle : individual, family, and social

perspectives / edited by Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick. — 3rd
ed.
p. cm.
780205"20009
Rev. ed. of: The changing family life cycle. 2nd ed. cl989.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-2D5- 50DDT-S
fp. )
ISBN 0-205-20009-5
1. Life cycle. Human. 2. Family counseling — United States.
3. Family psychotherapy —United States. I. Carter, Elizabeth A.

II. McGoldrick, Monica. III. Changing family life cycle.
HQ536.C417 1999
306.85-dc21 98-15208
crp
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 05 04
Contributors
Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D. Patricia L. Colucci. M.S.W.

Professor of Sociology and Director of the Marriage Faculty. Family Institute of Westchester.
and Family Therapy Training Program. University White Plains. NY
of Southern California. Los Angeles, CA
Celia Jaes Falicov, Ph.D.
Private Practice, Santa Monica. CA
Department of Psychiatry. University of California in
Rhea V. Almeida, L.C.S.W., Ph.D., D.Y.S San Diego. San Diego, CA

Executive Director. Institute for Family Services, Private Practice, San Diego. CA
Somerset, NJ
Richard H. Fulmer, Ph.D.
Faculty, Family Institute of New Jersey,
Metuchen, NJ
Private Practice. New York. NY
Faculty. National Institute for the Psychotherapies.
Carol M. Anderson, M.S.W., Ph.D. New York. NY
Professor, University of Pittsburgh Medical School.
Miguel Hernandez
Pittsburgh. PA
Roberto Clemente Center, New York. NY
Editor. Family Process
Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy,
Waymon Benton, Ed.D. New York, NY
Faculty, Counseling Psychology Department.
Paulette Moore Hines, Ph.D.
Columbia University Teachers' College.
Director, Office of Prevention Sen ices. University
New York, NY
Behavioral HealthCare, University of Medicine
Private Practice. Metuchen, NJ
and Dentistry of New Jersey, Piscataway. NJ
Claudia S. Bepko. M.S.W. Faculty, Family Institute of New Jersey,
Private Practice in family therapy, Metuchen, NJ

Brunswick and Portland, ME
Jacqueline Hudak, M.Ed.
Faculty, Family Institute of Maine Foundation,
Director. Family Therapy Associates,
Portland, ME Monmouth County. NJ
Kathy Berliner. M.S.W. Faculty. Family Institute of New Jersey.
Faculty. Family Institute of Westchester. Metuchen, NJ

White Plains, NY Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D.
Lynn A. Blacker. L.C.S.W. Faculty, Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy.
Clinical Coordinator, Family Intervention Services, New York. NY

Morristown, NJ
Demaris A. Jacob, Ph.D.
Mary Ann Broken Nose, B.A. Faculty. Family Institute of Westchester.
Comprehensive Services of Aging (COPS A), White Plains. NY

Institute for Alzheimer's Disease.
Thomas W. Johnson, L.C.S.W., Ed.D.
University Behavioral HealthCare, University
Faculty. New Jersey Center for Family Studies.
of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey,
Plainfield. NJ
Piscataway, NJ
Associate Faculty. Department of Psychiatry.
Betty Carter. M.S.W. University of Medicine and Dentistry ot N
Founder and Director Emerita, Family Institute of Jersey, Piscataway. NJ

Westchester. White Plains. NY Private Practice. Metuchen, NJ
in
I\ CONTRIBUTORS
Jodie Kliman, Ph.D. Nydia Garcia Preto, L.C.S.W.

The Center for Multicultural Training in Psychology, Faculty and Clinical Director. Family Institute of New
Boston Medical Center, Boston, MA Jersey, Metuchen, NJ
The Family Institute of Cambridge, Watertown, MA Private Practice, Metuchen, NJ
Private Practice, Brookline, MA
John S. Holland. M.D.
Jo-Ann Krestan, M.A., M.F.T. Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry

Writer and Consultant, Surry, ME and Castle Valley, Co-Director, Chicago Center for Family Health,
UT University of Chicago, Chicago, IL
Visiting Faculty, Family Institute of New Jersey,

Elliott J. Rosen, Ed.D.
Metuchen, NJ
Director, Family Institute of Westchester,
Stephen Lerner, Ph.D. White Plains, NY

Private Practice, Topeka, KS Natalie Schwartzberg, M.S.W.
Faculty, Family Institute of Westchester,
William C. Madsen, Ph.D.
Training Coordinator, Family Institute of Cambridge,
White Plains, NY
Watertown, MA Froma Walsh, M.S.W., Ph.D.
Private Practice, Cambridge, MA Co-Founder, Chicago Center for Family Health,
University of Chicago, Chicago, IL
Monica McGoldrick, M.A., L.C.S.W., Ph.D. (hon.)
Professor, School of Social Service Administration,
Director, Family Institute of New Jersey,
University of Chicago, Chicago, IL
Metuchen. NJ
Editor, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
Faculty, Fordham University School of Social
Service, New York, NY Marlene F. Watson, Ph.D.
Faculty, Psychiatry Department, Robert Wood Director, Graduate Programs in Couple and Family
Johnson Medical School, New Brunswick, NJ Therapy, Department of Mental Health Sciences,
Private Practice, Metuchen, NJ Allegheny University of the Health Sciences,
Philadelphia, PA
Mildred Potenza, C.S.W.
Geriatric Services, University Behavioral Susan Weltman, M.S.W.
HealthCare, University of Medicine and Dentistry Private Practice, Highland Park, NJ
of New Jersey, Edison, NJ Faculty, Center for Family Studies, Springfield, NJ
2 1 3
Contents
PREFACE w
PARTI
CONCEPTUAL PERSPECTIVES
CHAPTER 1 OVERVIEW: THE EXPANDED FAMILY LIFE CYCLE:
INDIVIDUAL, FAMILY, AND SOCIAL PERSPECTIVES 1
Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick

The Family Life Cycle 1
The Family as a System Moving through Time 1
The Individual in the Family and in History 5

The Vertical and Horizontal Flow of Stress in the Life Cycle 5
Anxiety and Symptom Development 7
The Changing Family Life Cycle 8
The Expanded Family Life Cycle: Individual Development 9
Contemporary Families 10
Our Life Cycles Unfold in the Context of the Community
of Our Connectedness 1
The Larger Society 1
The Changing Structure of Families 1
Multiculturalism 14
The Political and Economic System 15
The American Family of the Future 15
Clinical Implications: The Multicontextual Framework 16
Assessing Individual Development 17
Assessing the Immediate Family Household(s) 18
Assessing the Extended Family 18
Assessing the Family's Community and Social Connections 18
Assessing the Impact on Clients of Hierarchy and Power Inequalin in
the Larger Social Structures of Society 20

A Method of Including the Sociocultural Context
in Family Therapy 23
Conclusion 24
CHAPTER 2 SELF IN CONTEXT: THE INDIVIDUAL LIFE CYCLE IN

SYSTEMIC PERSPECTIVE 27
Monica McGoldrick and Betty Carter
Redefining the Dimensions of Human Development 27
Developing a Self in Context 28
The Myths of Complete Autonomy and Self-Determination 28
Developing a Mature Interdependent Self 29
1 1 1
CONTENTS
It Takes a Village 29
Gendered Development: From Adam's Rib 30
Developing a Self in a Nonaffirming Environment 3
Our Multiple Intelligences 33
The Connected Self 34
Countering Unequal Gender, Class, Cultural,
and Racial Socialization 35
The Individual Life Cycle in Context 36
The "Slings and Arrows" as Individual, Family,
and Community Intersect 44
Developing an Autonomous and Emotionally Connected Self 44
CHAPTER 3 HISTORY, GENOGRAMS, AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE:

FREUD IN CONTEXT 47
Monica McGoldrick
Using Genograms to Track Family History through the
Family Life Cycle 47
Courtship and Marriage of Freud's Parents: The Joining
of Families 49
The Transition to Parenthood and Families with Young Children 5
Families with Adolescents 54
Families at Midlife: Launching Children and Moving On 56
Marriage: The Next Generation 59
Parenthood: The Next Generation 6
Families in Later Life 64
Conclusion 67
CHAPTER 4 CULTURE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 69

Paulette Moore Hines, Nydia Garcia Preto, Monica McGoldrick,
Rhea Almeida, and Susan Weltman
Life Cycle Stages 70
African American Families 71
Latino Families 74
Irish Families 77
Asian Indian Families 80
Jewish Families 83
CHAPTER 5 SOCIAL CLASS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 88

Jodie Kliman and William Madsen
Understanding Social Class 89
Class Influences on the Family Life Cycle: Challenges
and Possibilities 92
Three Families 97
Therapeutic Implications of the Intersection of Class and the Family
Life Cycle 102
9 2 4 9
(ON II MS VII
CHAPTER 6 WOMEN AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 106

Monica McGoldrick
Women's Changing Life Cycle Roles 106
Women and Education 109
Women and Work 110
Women in Families 1 1
Women in the Middle: Women and Caretaking 1 13

Women's Exclusion from Power under the Law and
Societal Expectations 1 1
Women and Marriage 114

Becoming Mothers 115
Adolescence 117
Launching Children and Moving On 117
Older Families 118
Women and Their Friendship Networks 1 1
Women and Loss 1 1
That the Bumble Bee Should Fly: Affirming Women through the
Life Cycle 120
Conclusion 120
CHAPTER 7 MEN IN TRANSITION: THE "NEW MAN" 124

Elliott J. Rosen
The New Man and the Legacy of Masculinity 124
Is There a "New Man"? 125
Men and Power 27 1
Men, Friendship, and the Men's Movements 129

Men and Their Relationships throughout the Family
Life Cycle 131
CHAPTER 8 THE LATINO FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 141

Celia Jaes Falicov
Family Organization. Migration, and the Family Life Cycle 141
The Family with Young Children: Relatedness or Autonomy? 141

The Family with School-Age Children: Brave in a New World 143
Adolescence: Between Two Worlds 144
Young Adulthood: Staying Home and Courtship 146
Marriage: Separating or Returning to the Fold? 147
Middle Age: A Full Nest 148
The Elderly: Losses But a Shared Life 149
Dying and Grieving 150
CHAPTER 9 SIBLINGS THROUGH THE LIFE CYCLE 153

Monica McGoldrick. Marlene Watson, and Waymon Benton
The Importance of Sibling Relationships through the
Life Cycle 153

1
CONTENTS
Age Spacing 54 1
Gender Differences 155

Birth-Order Effects in Sibling Relationships 156
Life Cycle Issues in Families with Disabled Siblings 157
Sibling Positions and Parenting 159
Siblings and Adolescent Relationships 160
Sibling Relationships in Young Adulthood 160
Sibling Positions and Marital Relationships 161
Sibling Relationships in Midlife 162
Sibling Relationships after the Death of Parents 163
Other Factors That Intersect with Sibling Patterns: Culture, Class,
and Race 164
Conclusions 166
Rules of Thumb for Sibling Relationships through the
Life Cycle 167
CHAPTER 10 MIGRATION AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 169

Miguel Hernandez and Monica McGoldrick
The Migration Experience 7 1
Changes in Social Networks 171

Changes in Socioeconomic Status 172
Changes in Culture 172
Life Cycle Phase at the Time of Migration 173
CHAPTER 11 DEATH AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 185

Monica McGoldrick and Froma Walsh
Family Adaptation to Loss 185
Timing of Loss in the Family Life Cycle 187
Loss at Different Life Cycle Stages 188
Death in Divorced and Remarried Families 196
Varied Life Course: Challenges of Hidden and
Stigmatized Losses 197
Conclusion 198
CHAPTER 12 CREATING MEANINGFUL RITUALS FOR NEW LIFE

CYCLE TRANSITIONS 202
Evan Imber-Black
Creating Rituals as a Developmental Task for Couples 203
Contemporary Life Cycle Transitions 204
The Emergence of Symptoms 206
Therapeutic Rituals 207
Discussion of the Ritual 209
Healing Rituals 210
Identity Redefinition Rituals 211
Designing and Implementing Rituals for Idiosyncratic
Life Cycle Transitions 212
Conclusion 213
1 1
CONTENTS i\
PART 2
PERSPECTIVES ON THE EVOLVING AMERICAN FAMILY
CHAPTER 13 BECOMING VN \IHLT LEAMN(, HOME \M)SI WIMi
CONNECTED 215
Richard Fulmer
Young Adulthood: Developmental Tasks 215
Young Adulthood in the 1990s 216
Late Adolescence or Early Young Adulthood: Age 18-21 216
Issues for the Familj 219
Young Adulthood tor Heterosexual Men 221
Young Adulthood For Heterosexual Women 224
Young Adulthood for Gaj Men 225
Young Adulthood for Lesbians 226
The Poor Get Poorer: The Last Two Decades 227
Conclusion 229
CHAPTER 14 BECOMING A COUPLE 231

Monica McGoldrick
Marriage in Our Times 23
Fusion and Intimacy 234
Gay and Lesbian Couples 239
The Wedding 24
Sexuality 243
Patterns with Extended Family 244
In-Laws 245
Sibling Issues in Couple Formation 245
Cultural Differences 246
Ivsues in Marital Adjustment 24"
CHAPTER 15 BECOMING PARENTS: THK FAMILY WITH

YOUNG CHILDREN 249
Betty Carter
Introduction 249
Gender Issues in Parenting 252
Problems 257
Alternate Pathways to Parenthood 260
Clinical Guidelines 266
Conclusion 271
CHAPTER 16 TRANSFORMATION OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM

DURING ADOLESCENCE 274
Nydia Garcia Preto
The Sociocultural Context
2~"
Developing a Gender Identity
Changes in the Familj Structure 280
Therapeutic Interventions
1
CONTENTS
CHAPTER 17 THE LAUNCHING PHASE OF THE LIFE

CYCLE 287
Lynn Blacker
Overview 287
Gender Issues: Men and Women at Midlife 289
Midlife Marriages 292
Midlife Divorces 293
Midlifers at Work 295
Redefining Family Relationships at Midlife 297
Friendships at Midlife 301
Gays and Lesbians at Midlife 302
Summary 304
CHAPTER 18 FAMILIES IN LATER LIFE: CHALLENGES

AND OPPORTUNITIES 307
Froma Walsh
The Graying of the Family 307
Later-Life Transitions and Challenges 310
Successful Aging 318
Clinical Challenges and Opportunities: A Resiliency-Based
Approach 320
Conclusion 324
CHAPTER 19 THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE OF AFRICAN AMERICAN

FAMILIES LIVING IN POVERTY 327
Paulette Moore Hines
Factors Influencing Diversity, Functioning, and Resilience through the
Life Cycle 328
Characteristics of the Family Life Cycle 329
Assessment and Treatment Considerations 330
Stages of the Family Life Cycle 333
Avoiding Therapist Burnout 342
Conclusion 343
CHAPTER 20 LESBIANS, GAY MEN, AND THE FAMILY

LIFE CYCLE 346
Thomas W. Johnson and Patricia Colucci
Adolescence 348
Leaving Home/Single Young Adulthood 349
Coupling 35
Parenting 354
Midlife/Later Life 356
Conclusion 359
1 7
CONTENTS \i
CHAPTER 21 THE SINGLE ADULT AND THE FAMILY

LIFE CYCLE 362
Kathy Berliner, Demaris Jacob, and Natalie Schwartzberg
Setting the Clinical Stage 363
The Single Persons Life Cycle 364
CHAPTER 22 THE DIYORCE CYCLE: A MAJOR VARIATION IN THE

AMERIC VN FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 373
Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick
Gender Issues in Divorce 374

Time 374
The Divorce and Postdivorce Family Emotional Process 376
Family Emotional Process at the Transition to Remarriage 376
Conclusion 380
CHAPTER 23 DIVORCE: AN UNSCHEDULED FAMILY

TRANSITION 381
Constance R. Ahrons
The Context of Divorce 38
Divorce as a Multidimensional Process 383
The Transitions Framework 385
Clinical Overview 395
CHAPTER 24 SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES: STRENGTHS,

VULNERABILITIES, AND INTERVENTIONS 399
Carol VI. Anderson
Changing Prevalence and Pathways 400
The Adaptation of Children in Single-Parent Families through the
Life Cycle 401
Validating the History and Present of Single-Parent Family
Experiences 401
Engaging Single-Parent Families in Therap> 402
The Significance of the Social Context: Kin and Nonkin
Networks 403
Recognizing and Mobilizing Strengths 407
Reinforcing the Mother's Authority 409
Addressing Special Life Cycle Issues of Single-Parent
Families 410
Conclusion 412
CHAPTER 25 REMARRIED FAMILIES 417

VIonica McGoldrick and Betty Carter
A New Paradigm of Family 4 1

Xll CONTENTS
Stepfamily Formation following Death 422

Gays and Lesbians in Stepfamilies 422
Money in Remarried Families 422
Predictable Emotional Issues in Remarriage 423
The Process of Remarriage 424
The Impact of Remarriage at Various Phases of the Family Life
Cycle 424
Spouses at Same Life Cycle Phase 425
Stepfamilies and Young Children 425
Stepfamilies with Adolescents 425
The Impact of Remarriage in Later Life Cycle Phases 426
Family Therapy with Remarried Families: Clinical Procedures
and Illustrations 426
Key Presenting Triangles in Remarried Families 426
Conclusion 432
PART 3
CLINICAL APPLICATIONS
CHAPTER 26 COACHING AT VARIOUS STAGES OF THE
LIFE CYCLE 436
Betty Carter and Monica McGoIdrick
System Interactions 437
Fusion versus Differentiation 438
Triangles 438
Distancing and Cut-Off 439
Differentiation 439
The Role of the Coach 440
Humor 441
Detriangling 441
Opening Up a Closed System 442
Engagement and System Mapping 442
Planning: Learning about the System and One's Own Role in It 443
Reentry 444
The Single Young Adult 445
The Young Couple 446
Families with Young Children 448
The Couple at or Past the Launching Stage 448
Elderly Clients 450
Coaching Single Parents 450
Coaching Remarried Family Members 451
Coaching Minority-Group Clients 452
Guidelines for the Therapist 452
1
CONTENTS XIII
CHAPTER 27 ALCOHOL PROBLEMS AND THE FAMILY

LIFE CYCLE 455
Jacqueline Hudak, Jo Ann Krestan, and Claudia Bepko
Addiction in Context 455
The Family Life Cycle: A Long-Term Perspective on
Alcohol Use 456
Self-Help Groups 457
Bias against the Alcoholic 457
The Impact of Race and Culture 458
Addiction: Staging and Life Cycle Issues in Assessment 459
The Family with Adolescents 459
The Unattached Young Adult 461
New Couples 461
Couples at Any Stage 461
Domestic Violence 462
After Sobriety 463
Gay and Lesbian Couples 463
New Parents 463
Children in Alcoholic Families 464
Early Warning Signs for Children at Risk 464
When a Parent Gets Sober 465
Launching Children and Moving On 465
The Family in Later Life: Addiction and the Elderly 465
Assessment 466
Summary and Conclusions 467
CHAPTER 28 VIOLENCE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 470

Monica McGoldrick, Mary Ann Broken Nose,
and Mildred Potenza
Why Intervention Must Address Social Accountability 47
Young Adulthood 473
Newly Formed Couple Relationships 476
Families with Young Children 479
Families at Midlife 484
Older Families 485
Conclusion 488
CHAPTER 29 CHRONIC ILLNESS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 492

John S. Holland
The Social Context of Illness and Disabilities 493

Psychosocial Typology of Illness 494
Time Phases of Illness 496
Interface of the Illness. Individual, and Family Life Cycles 500
Multigenerational Experiences with Illness, Loss, and Crisis 505
Conclusion 510
XIV CONTENTS
CHAPTER 30 INTERACTIONS BETWEEN THE THERAPIST'S AND

CLIENT'S LIFE CYCLE STAGES 512
Steve Lerner
Dimensions of Similarity between Therapist and Client 512

Brief Scenarios: Complex Therapist-Family Life Cycle
Interactions 513
Families with Young Children: A Complex Intersection 514
She Nurtures/He Earns: The Therapist's Transition Gets
in the Way 514
The Long-Term View: Working with One Family over Successive Life
Cycle Stages 516
Working with Loss: A Link between Life Cycle Stages 518
Conclusion 518
NAME INDEX 520
SUBJECT INDEX 528

Preface
FOR WHOM WE ARE WRITING cle, focusing on marriage, the birth and develop-
The Expanded Famih ment of children, and aging, no single list of stages
Life C 'ycle is a book for health
care and social service professionals and students
is sufficient or inclusive. Throughout this edition,
from medicine and nursing to social work and fam-

we recognize the vast numbers of families whose
ily therapy, to psychology, to sociology, and to all

family life cycle varies in significant ways from this
traditional stage outline. Indi\ iduals of different cul-

fields of counseling, school guidance counseling,
vocational, college, addictions, and pastoral coun-
tures and socioeconomic groups go through the
seling. Although our original edition was written

stages at very different ages. A growing number of
adults are choosing not to tnarrj or. like gays and
primarily for famih therapists, the overwhelmingly
positive response we have had from those
lesbians, are prevented from marrying or. like the
in related
poor, find it almost impossible to afford. Growing
professions who have used the book has led us to
broaden our thinking about the applications of a
numbers of women are delaying childbearing (in
life
1995 one-third of first-time mothers were age 35 or
cycle perspective for all work with families.
The book also bridges the traditionally separate
older) or are choosing to remain childless. The pre\ -
alence of divorce and remarriage is requiring a large

spheres of individual development and the family
life cycle with cultural and social perspectives in a
proportion of our society to manage additional life
cycle stages and complete restructuring of their

way that transforms the traditional categories and
families (Chapters 22. 23, and 25). There has been a
proposes a new, more comprehensive way to think
dramatic increase in the percentage of permanent
about human development and the life cycle.
single-parent households created by divorce or sin-
gle-parent adoption (Chapters 19, 21, and 24). Fi-
REDEFINING FAMILY
nally, vast differences in family life cycle patterns
In this edition, we celebrate diversity as we wel- are caused by oppressive social forces: racism, sex-
come the multiculturalism of the twenty-first cen- ism, homophobia, classism, ageism, and cultural
tury. We refer not only to cultural diversity, but also prejudices of all kinds (Chapters 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 18,
to the diversity of famih forms. There are many 19, 20, 21, and 24). This edition seeks to include all
ways to go through life in a caring, productive man- of these elements in our thinking while still provid-
ner, and no specific family structure is ideal. Indeed, ing clear and manageable clinical suggestions re-
it was dissatisfaction with the traditional nuclear lated to the family's place in its many contexts.
family that produced the 50 percent divorce rate of

the recent past. Most of the criticisms of life cycle
WIDENING OUR LENS
theory have actually been justified criticism of the
limited focus of theoretical and research attention to Our expanded view of famih thus actively includes
the developmental stages of only one family form: the reciprocal impact and the issues at multiple lev-
the WTiite, Anglo, middle-class, nuclear family of a els of the human system: the individual, the imme-
once-married heterosexual couple, their children, diate family household* s). the extended family, the
and their extended famih. In this edition, we have community, the cultural group, and the larger soci-
expanded that definition of family in ways that at- ety Although the family levels are usually me opti-
tempt to include everyone in our society. mal levels for therapeutic intervention, we have
Although it is statistically accurate to outline widened our lens to deal more concretely in large
the widely experienced stages of the family life cy- and small ways with the fact that every family is a
\%
XVI PREFACE
group of individuals and that the individuals and development, which has espoused primarily psy-
families are embedded in communities and the chodynamically oriented schemas (especially Erik-
larger society whose impact is definitive and must son's modifications of Freudian theory) that ignore
be taken into account for interventions at the family the gender, race, sexual orientation, and class norms
level to succeed. Our choice of language symbolizes of society that have produced deeply skewed mod-
our recognition of the vast changes in family struc- els of "normal" child and adult development which
ture. We have replaced the limited term "nuclear make those who don't conform to dominant norms
family" with the more comprehensive term "imme- seem deficient.
diate family." which includes nuclear, single-parent, To address these problems, we have made a
unmarried, remarried, and gay and lesbian house- beginning effort in this edition to spell out a more
holds. We consider "commitment" to be the family comprehensive framework for individual develop-
bond for many households in which no marriage ex- ment in the context of relationship and society
ists or even no adult partnership. "Couples therapy" (Chapter 2, "Self in Context"). We have also in-
usually replaces the term "marital therapy." Further cluded a chapter based on Bowen's model of ob-
expanding our view of family relationships, we have taining family systems change through individual
added chapters on men, siblings, gays and lesbians, coaching (Chapter 26). Other cases using this
and single people. coaching method are discussed in various chap-

ters throughout the book. Other chapters that ex-
pand on these more inclusive perspectives include
THE INDIVIDUAL LEVEL
Chapters 6 ("Women and the Family Life Cycle")
Although family therapists, even systems therapists, and 7 ("Men in Transition: The 'New Man'"),
have always operated from some notion of the indi- Chapters 4, 8, 10, and 19 (on cultural issues),
vidual's role in the system, there has been a ten- Chapters 5 and 10 (on class), and Chapter 20 (on
dency in psychology, social work, medicine, and gay and lesbian families).
even family therapy to compartmentalize theorizing
about family separately from theorizing about the
THE SOCIAL PERSPECTIVE
individual. When evaluating individual behavior,
the tendency has been, even for many family theo- In addition to focusing down from family to individ-
rists, to shift to psychodynamic or psychoanalytic ual, we have expanded our focus up to the commu-
thinking. In our view, such splitting is not compati- nity and larger society levels. This focus, as we have
ble with systems thinking. It leads to divergent and indicated above, is an effort to help us to include in
inconsistent definitions of the problem and its locus. our clinical evaluations and treatment all of the ma-
Bowen's family systems theory, like Engel's biop- jor forces that make us who we are: race, class,
sychosocial model in medicine, is a notable excep- sexual orientation, gender, ethnicity, spirituality,
tion to this tendency to split individual and family politics, work, time, community, values, beliefs, and
thinking. Bowen*s theory places individual behav- dreams. In this edition, therefore, we have added
ior and feelings squarely in the context of the family chapters on class, violence, migration, and several
system, elaborating on the intricacies of the impact cultural groups. As our awareness has grown of so-
and the interaction between an individual and the cietal patterns of domination and privilege, we have
family system of three or more generations. Bo- greatly expanded our analysis of the impact of so-
wen's theory also holds each adult individual re- cial norms on every family. We have also included
sponsible for creating change in the system. throughout the book cases that reflect the social
The mental health professions have also tended forces that impinge on individual and family func-
to perpetuate the splitting of theorizing about indi- tioning. It is our strong belief that this expanded
viduals and systems by accepting theories of indi- family life cycle context is still the best framework
vidual development evolved in the field of human for family therapy because it deals with the develop-
—
i-ki i \( i XVII
men! o\er time of individuals in then farnil) rela- people. I w ill never retire from working and playing
tionships and within their communities as the) w ith her. laughing w ith her. and lo\ mg her.
struggle at this millennium to define and implement Even with all of the above help, this work
life's meanings within a larger society that helps wouldn't have gotten done without the total support
some more than others. To be lasting, change must Ol m) dear husband. Sam. For all ol this time, he has
encompass every level ol our lives. cheerfulh done alloi the shopping, cooking, and all
other domestic chores so that I could be free to

work. All that and emotional support too' As this
BETTY CARTER'S ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
book appears, we'll be close to celebrating our for-
Anything good that I've written in this book I tieth anniversary, happy in the belief that some part
learned from m\ family, Inends. clients, trainees. ol our joint wisdom about marriage and family has
mentors, and colleagues. I especial]} learned a lot surely found its way into these pages.
during m\ twenty years ol work with Peggy Papp.
Olga Silverstein. and Marianne Walters in the
MONICA McGOLDRICK'S
Women's Project in Family Therapy.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I am grateful to all of my family and friends
who have accepted m\ almost total isolation for the Many people have provided me support over the
past year while Monica and I tried to finish the job many years that this third edition has been in pro-
of explicating the enormous amount and complexity cess. It was twice as difficult to produce as the sec-
of family change over the past decade. I often had ond edition, which, itself, was twice as difficult as
the thought that if this is retirement. wh) did I leave the first edition. Our understanding of the complex-
paid work? But I confess that it pleased me. having ities of families in their developmental and social
long hours of uninterrupted time to think and write. context has greatly expanded, making it hard to
And now that I have turned Family Institute of write in as straightforward a way as we like. Each
Westchester over to the capable hands of Elliott time we would write a sentence, we would say, "On
Rosen and the rest of the faculty, maybe there will the other hand, there is this other factor w hich influ-
be time to smell a rose or tw o. ences that phenomenon." Space limitations ha\e

I thank every author. We are critical, hands-on, been especially constraining, and I am very grateful
in-your-face editors, full of requirements, requests, to the authors for their hard work on this endeavor
and suggestions. It couldn't have been easy for the and for commitment
their to the material. I espe-
authors, but the) came through with wonderful, ciall) thank m\ guardian angel. Rene Campbell,
thoughtful material. And those of you who an- who keeps my life working and whose smile and
swered our cries for help very late in the process good nature keep me going on even my worst da) s.
you know who you are — we will never forget your For their love I thank my son John, who moved from
rescue of several important chapters. early latency to adolescence during the production
Special thanks to Monica and her staff at Fam- of this book, and m\ husband. Sophocles, for his
ily Institute of New Jersey, who so cheerfulh han- quiet support and for keeping the homefires burn-
dled all of the hard stuff that manuscripts require ing, w bile I was preoccupied or off working to make
because they were in an office and I was at home, this book come forth. Man. Ann Broken Nose was
technological ly impaired. of enormous help on the research for this hook.
Monica and I wrote our first article together in which was a mega-task, as the information explo-
the early 1970s. I have never worked with anyone, sion makes it ever less possible to keep up with what
before or since, w ith whom I so completely shared is written in the area. I thank also Man. Jean Battis-
every frame of reference: family background, phi- tella for all her help w ith the manuscript. I thank my
losophy of life, theoretical orientation and clinical sister Morna. who often sat b) m> side as we
ideas, interests, sense of humor, and response to w orked on our respective book projects and who is a
Will PREFACE
major source of inspiration and solace to me. My distance and losses that are painful and difficult. I
aunt Mildred, who keeps developing at age 94 as I greatly admire her for her life force, her humor, her
complete this book, is an amazing, witty, and sweet intelligence, her sticking power, and the warmth of
woman in the last phase of her life. I hope that as I her friendship.
grow. I will keep expanding emotionally as she has.
And I thank my wonderful parents, my caretaker
JOINT ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Margaret Bush, my Aunt Mamie, Elliot and Marie.
Jack Mayer, Hughie McGoldrick, and all the other We both give heartfelt thanks to our editor, Judy
wonderful people who have gone before, who loved Fifer, for her unfailing patience and helpfulness
me and made me who I am. I hope I am worthy of throughout this entire process, and to Tom Conville,
their generosity in my life. And I thank my relatives, for the friendly manner and unflappable calm with
friends, colleagues, students, and clients who con- which he approached the final stages of actually get-
tinuously inspire, support, and nurture me. Finally, I ting the book into print. We would also like to ac-
thank my sister, soulmate, friend, and collaborator, knowledge the help of the reviewers who provided
Betty Carter, for the friendship and intellectual stim- valuable feedback for this edition: Audrey Begun,
ulation she has provided me now for twenty-five University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee; Patricia A.
years. This edition saw her into her retirement and Emerson, Azusa Pacific University; and Candyce
grandparenthood, and I trust we will now find new S. Russel, Kansas State University.
ways to collaborate as we age and must cope with
Chapter 1
OVERVIEW: THE EXPANDED

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
INDIVIDUAL, FAMILY, AND
SOCIAL PERSPECTIVES
BETTY CARTER
MONICA McGOLDRICK
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE Just as the texture of life has become more
complicated, so too must our therapeutic models
We are born into families. Our fust relationships,
change to reflect this complexity, appreciating both
our first group, our first experience of the world are
the context around the individual as a shaping en-
with and through our families. We develop, grow,
vironment and the evolutionary influence of time
and hopefully die in the context of our families.
on human development. From a family life cycle
Embedded within the larger sociopolitical culture,
perspective, symptoms and dysfunction are exam-
the individual life cycle takes shape as it moves and
ined within a systemic context and in relation to
evolves within the matrix of the family life cycle.
what the culture considers to be "normal" func-
Our problems are framed by the formative course
tioning over time. From this perspective, therapeu-
of our family's past, the present tasks it is trying to
tic interventions aim at helping to reestablish the
master, and the future to which it aspires. Thus, the
family's developmental momentum so that it can
family life cycle is the natural context within which
proceed forward to foster the uniqueness of each
to frame individual identity and development and to
member's development.
account for the effects of the social system.
Until recently, therapists have paid little atten-
tion to the family life cycle and its impact on hu-

THE FAMILY AS A SYSTEM MOVING
man development. Even now. most psychological
THROUGH TIME
theories relate at most to the nuclear family, ig-
noring the multigenerational context of family Families comprise people who have a shared history
connections that pattern our lives. But our dramat- and a shared future. They encompass the entire
ically changing family patterns, which in our times emotional system of at least three, and frequently
can assume many varied configurations over the now four or even five, generations held together
life span, are forcing us to take a broader view of by blood, legal, and/or historical ties. Relationships
both development and normalcy. It is becoming in- with parents, siblings, and other family members
creasingly difficult to determine what family life go through transitions as they move along the life
cycle patterns are •"normal." causing great stress cycle (see Table 1.1 on page 2). Boundaries shift,
for family members, who have few consensually psychological distance among members changes,
validated models to guide them through the pas- and roles within and between subsystems are con-
sages they must negotiate. stantly being redefined (Norris & Tindale. 1994:
CHAPTER I
TABLE 1.1 The Stages of the Family Life Cycle
FAMILY LIFE EMOTIONAL PROCESS OF SECOND-ORDER CHANGES IN FAMILY STATUS

CYCLE STAGE TRANSITION: KEY PRINCIPLES REQUIRED TO PROCEED DEVELOPMENTALLY
Leaving home: Accepting emotional and Differentiation of self in relation to family of origin
single young adults financial responsibility for self Development of intimate peer relationships
Establishment of self in respect to work and
financial independence
The joining of Commitment to new system Formation of marital system

families through Realignment of relationships with extended
marriage: the new families and friends to include spouse
couple
Families with Accepting new members into Adjusting marital system to make space for children
young children the system Joining in child rearing, financial and household
tasks
Realignment of relationships with extended family
to include parenting and grandparenting roles
Families with Increasing flexibility of family Shifting of parent/child relationships to permit
adolescents boundaries to permit adolescent to move into and out of system
children's independence and Refocus on midlife marital and career issues
grandparents' frailties Beginning shift toward caring for older generation
Launching children Accepting a multitude of exits Renegotiation of marital system as a dyad

and moving on from and entries into the Development of adult-to-adult relationships
family system between grown children and their parents
c. Realignment of relationships to include in-laws
and grandchildren
d. Dealing with disabilities and death of parents
(grandparents)
Families in later life Accepting the shifting a. Maintaining own and/or couple functioning and
generational roles interests in face of physiological decline:
new familial and social role options
exploration of
b. Support more central role of middle generation
for
c. Making room in the system for the wisdom and

experience of the elderly, supporting the older
generation without overfunctioning for them
d. Dealing with loss of spouse, siblings, and other
peers and preparation for death
Cicirelli, 1995). It is extremely difficult to think of ject to these constraints. A business organization
the family as a whole because of the complexity can fire members that managers view as dysfunc-
involved. As a system moving through time, the tional, or members can resign if the organization's
family has different properties from those of all structure and values are not to their liking. In fam-
other systems. Unlike all other organizations, families, by contrast, the pressures of family member-
ilies incorporate new members only by birth, adop- ship with no exit available can, in the extreme, lead
tion, commitment, or marriage, and members can to psychosis. In nonfamily systems, the roles and
leave only by death, if then. No other system is sub- functions of the system are carried out in a more or
—
OVERVIEW THE EXPANDED FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
less stable way, by replacement of those who leave which they are living (Cohler. Hosteler, & Boxer.
for any reason, or else the system dissolves and 1998: Elder. 1992; Neugarten. 1979). Family
people move on into other organizations. Although members' world views, including their attitudes
families also have roles and functions, the main toward life cycle transitions, are profoundly influ-
value in families is in the relationships, which are enced by the time in history in which they have
irreplaceable. If a parent leaves or dies, another grow n up. Those who lived through the Great De-
person can be brought in to fill a parenting func- pression and World War II. those w ho came of age
tion, but this person can never replace the parent in during the Vietnam War. those who experienced
his or her personal emotional aspects i Walsh & the Black migration to the North in the 1940s, the
McGoldnck. 1991 i. Even in the divorce of a cou- baby boomer generation that grew up in the
ple v. ithout children, the bonds very often linger, 1950s — all these cohorts will have profoundly dif-
and it is difficult to hear of an ex-spouse's death ferent orientations to life, influenced by the times
without being shaken. in which they lived (Cohler et al.. 1998: Elder.
Despite the current dominant American pat- 1986).
tern of nuclear families living on their own and often The family of days gone by, when the ex-
at gieat geographical distances from extended fam- tended family reigned supreme, should not be ro-
ily members, they are still emotional subsystems, manticized as a time when mutual respect and
reacting to past, present, and anticipated future satisfaction existed between the generations. The
relationships within the larger three-generational traditional stable multigenerational extended fam-
family system. The options and decisions to be ily of yore was supported by sexism, classism. and
made are endless and can be confusing: whether or racism. In this traditional patriarchal structure of
whom to marry: where to live: how many children families, respect for parents and obligations to care
to have, if any: how to conduct relationships within for elders were based on their control of the re-
the immediate and extended family: and how to sources, reinforced by religious and secular sanc-
allocate family tasks. As Hess and Waring 1984) ( tions against those who did not go along with the
observed: ideas of the dominant group. Now. with the increas-
ing ability of younger family members to determine
As we moved from the family of obligatory ties to
their own fate in marriage, w ork. and economic se-
one of voluntary bonds, relationships outside the
curity . pow er of elders to demand filial
the piety is
nuclear unit las well as those inside it).. lost what-
reduced. As women are expecting to have
.
lives of
ever normative certainty or consistency governed
their own. whereas before their roles w ere limited
them at earlier times. For example, sibling relation-
primarily to the caretaking of others, our social
ships today are almost completely voluntary, subject
to disruption through occupational and geographic institutions are not shifting enough to fit with
mobility, as indeed might be said of marriage itself.
these changing needs. Instead of evolving values of
i
P 303)
.
shared caretaking. our social institutions still oper-
ate mainly on the notions of the individualism of
Cultural factors also play a major role in how the pioneering frontier, and the most \ulnerable
families go through the life cycle. Not only do cul- the poor, the young, the old. the infirm — suffer
tural groups vary greatly in their breakdown of the consequences. What we need is not a return to
family life cycle stages and definitions of the tasks a rigid, inequitable three-generational patriarchal
at each stage, but it is clear that even several gen- family, but rather to recognize our connectedness
erations after immigration, the family life cycle in life —regardless of the particular family struc-
patterns of groups differ markedly (Chapters 4 and ture or culture —with those who went before us
10: McGoldrick. Giordano. & Pearce. 1996). Fur- and those who follow after. At the same time, it
thermore, families' motion through the life cycle is is important to appreciate that many problems
profoundly influenced by the era in history at are caused when changes at the societal level lag
CHAPTER 1
behind those at the family level and therefore fail by therapists who focus on the nuclear family.
to validate and support the lives and choices of so Painful experiences such as illness and death are
many individuals. particularly difficult for families to integrate and
In our time, people often act as though the\ are thus most likely to have a long-range impact on
can choose membership and responsibility in a relationships in the next generation.
family. However, there is ven little choice about Of course, in different cultures, the ages of
whom we are related to in the complex web of these multigenerational transitions differ markedly.
family ties. Children, for example, have no choice Certainly, the stages of the life cycle are rather
about being born into a system, nor do parents arbitrary breakdowns. The notion of childhood
have a choice, once children are born, adopted, or has been described as the invention of eighteenth-
fostered, as to the existence of the responsibilities century Western society and adolescence as the in-
of parenthood, even if they neglect these responsi- vention of the nineteenth century (Aries, 1962),
bilities. In fact, no family relationships except mar- related to the cultural, economic, and political con-
riage are entered into by choice. Even in the case texts of those eras. The notion of young adulthood
of marriage, the freedom to mam whomever one as an independent phase could easily be argued to
wishes is a rather recent option, and the decision to be the invention of the twentieth century, and that
mam is probably much less freely made than peo- of women as independent individuals could be said
ple usually recognize at the time (see Chapter 14). to be a construct of the late twentieth century. The
Although partners can choose not to continue a lengthy phases of the empty nest and older age are
marriage relationship, they remain co-parents of also developments primarily of the twentieth cen-
their children, and the fact of having been married tury, brought about by the smaller number of chil-
continues to be acknowledged with the designation dren and the longer life span in our era. Given the
"ex-spouse." People cannot alter whom they are current changes in the family, the twenty-first cen-
related to in the complex web of family ties over all tury may become known for developing the norms
the generations. Obviously, family members fre- of serial marriage and unmarried motherhood as
quently act as if this were not so — they cut each part of the life cycle. Developmental psychology
other off because of conflicts or because they has tended to take an ahistorical approach to the
claim to have nothing in common— but when fam- life cycle. But in virtually all other contemporary
ily members act as though family relationships cultures and during virtually all other historical
were optional, they do so to the detriment of their eras, the definition of life cycle stages has been dif-
own sense of identity and the richness of their ferent from our current definitions. To add to this
emotional and social context. complexity, cohorts born and living through differ-
The tremendous life-shaping impact of one ent periods differ in fertility, mortality, acceptable
generation on those following is hard to overesti- gender roles, migration patterns, education, needs
mate. For one thing, the three or four different and resources, and attitudes toward family and
generations must adjust to life cycle transitions aging.
simultaneously. While one generation is moving Families characteristically lack time per-
toward older age. the next is contending with the spective when they are having problems. They tend
empty nest, the third with young adulthood, form- generally to magnify the present moment, over-
ing careers and intimate peer adult relationships whelmed and immobilized by their immediate
and having children, and the fourth with being in- feelings: or they become fixed on a moment in the
ducted into the system. Naturally, there is an inter- future that they dread or long for. They lose the
mingling of the generations, and events at one level awareness that life means continual motion from
have a powerful effect on relationships at each the past into the future with a continual transfor-
other level. The important impact of events in the mation of familial relationships. As the sense of
grandparental generation is routinely overlooked motion becomes lost or distorted, therapy involves
OVERVIEW: THE EXPANDED FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
restoring a sense of life as process and movement stages and emotional tasks for various family groups
from and toward. is much more complex. But even within the diver-
sity, there are some unifying principles that we
have used to define stages and tasks, such as the
THE INDIVIDUAL IN THE FAMILY
primary importance of family relationships and the
AND IN HISTORY emotional disequilibrium caused by adding and
The search for the meaning of our individual lives losing family members during life's many tran-
has led to many theories about the process of "nor- sitions & Rodgers, 1987; Hadley, Jacob
(Ahrons
mal" development, most of them proposing sup- Milliones, Caplan, & Spitz, 1974). We embrace this
posedly inherent, age-related, developmental stages complexity and the importance of all levels of the
for the individual (Levinson, 1978, 1996; Sheehy, human system: individual, family, and social.
1977, 1995; Valliant, 1977; and others) and/or the
traditional family (e.g., Duvall, 1977). From the
THE VERTICAL AND HORIZONTAL FLOW
beginning of our work, we have placed the individ-
OF STRESS IN THE LIFE CYCLE
ual in the context of family and have indicated the
importance of the impact of cultural and structural To understand how individuals evolve, we must ex-
variation on life cycle tasks for individuals and amine their lives within the context of both the fam-
families. However, we do not espouse family life ily and the larger cultural contexts with their past and
cycle stages as inherent, that is, identical for fami- present properties, which change over time. Each
lies of all kinds. But neither do we reject a flexi- system (individual, family, and cultural) can be rep-
ble concept of predictable stages with appropriate resented schematically (see Figure 1.1 on page 6)
emotional tasks for individuals and family groups, along two time dimensions: one of which brings past
depending on their type of structure, specific cul- and present issues to bear reciprocally on all other
tural background, and current historical era. We levels (the vertical axis) and one of which is devel-
disagree with those life course or life span theorists opmental and unfolding (the horizontal axis). For
who, like many feminist theorists of development, the individual, the vertical axis includes the biologi-
in their effort to move on from the traditional fam- cal heritage and intricate programming of behaviors
ily, essentially bypass the family level altogether with one's given temperament, possible congenital
and consider the individual in society as the essen- disabilities, and genetic makeup. The horizontal
tial unit for study. axis relates to the individual's emotional, cogni-
We strongly believe that individual develop- tive, interpersonal, and physical development over
ment takes place only in the context of significant the life span within a specific historical context.
emotional relationships and that the most signifi- Over time, the individual's inherent qualities can
cant relationships are family relationships, whether become either crystallized into rigid behaviors or
by blood, adoption, marriage, or commitment. In- elaborated into broader and more flexible reper-
dividuals and families must then also be seen in toires. Certain individual stages may be more
their cultural and historical context of past and difficult to master, depending on one's innate char-
present to be understood or changed. We see the acteristics and the influence of the environment.
family level as ideal for therapeutic intervention At the family level (Carter, 1978), the vertical
because it is the product of both individual and so- axis includes the family history, the patterns of re-
cial forces, bridging and mediating between the lating and functioning that are transmitted down
two. However, since the family is no longer solely the generations, primarily through the mechanism
organized around a married heterosexual couple of emotional triangling (Bowen, 1978). It includes
raising their children, but rather involves many dif- all the family attitudes, taboos, expectations, la-
ferent structures and cultures with different orga- bels, and loaded issues with which we grow up.
nizing principles, our job of identifying family These aspects of our lives are the hand we are dealt.
CHAPTER 1
Vertical Stressors
Racism, sexism, classism,
ageism, homophobia,
consumerism, poverty
Disappearance of community,
more work, less leisure,
inflexibility of workplace, no
Systems Levels time for friends
Sociocultural, political, economic Family emotional patterns,
Community: neighborhood, work, myths, triangles, secrets,
friends, religions, organizations legacies, losses
Extended family Violence, addictions, ignorance,
Immediate family depression, lack of spiritual
Individual expression or dreams
Genetic makeup, abilities and
disabilities
Time
Horizontal Stressors
Developmental
a. Life cycle transitions
b. Migration
Unpredictable
a. Untimely death
b. Chronic illness
c. Accident
d. Unemployment
Historical Events
a. War
b. Economic depression
c. Political climate
d. Natural disasters
FIGURE 1 .1 Flow of Stress through the Family
What we do with them is the question. The horizon- At a sociocultural level, the vertical axis in-
tal flow at a family level describes the family as it cludes cultural and societal history, stereotypes,
moves through time, coping with the changes and patterns of power, social hierarchies, and beliefs,
transitions of the family's life cycle. This includes which have been passed down through the genera-
both predictable developmental stresses and unpre- tions. A group's history, in particular the legacy of
dictable events, the "slings and arrows of outra- trauma in its history, will have an impact on fami-
geous fortune," that may disrupt the life cycle lies and individuals as they go through life (e.g.,
process, such as untimely death, birth of a handi- the Holocaust on Jews and Germans, slavery on
capped child, chronic illness, or job loss. African Americans and on slave-owning groups,
homophobic crimes on homosexuals and hetero- work together to support or impede one another are
sexuals). The horizontal axis relates to community the key determinants of how well the family will
connections or lack of them, current events, and manage its transitions through life. It becomes im-
social policy as they affect the family and the indi- perative, therefore, to assess not only the dimen-
vidual at a given time. It depicts the consequences sions of the current life cycle stress, but also their
in people's present lives of the society's inherited connections to family themes and triangles coming
(vertical) norms of racism, sexism, classism, and down in the family over historical time. Although
homophobia, as well as ethnic and religious preju- all normative change is to some degree stressful,
dices, as these are manifested in social, political, when the horizontal (developmental) stress inter-
and economic structures that limit the options of sects with a vertical (transgenerational) stress, there
some and support the power of others. tends to be a quantum leap in anxiety in the system
(Carter. 1978). To give a global example, if one's
parents were basically pleased to be parents and
ANXIETY AND SYMPTOM DEYELOPMENT
handled the job without too much anxiety, the birth
As families move along, stress is often greatest at of the first child will produce just the normal
transition points from one stage to another in the stresses of a system expanding its boundaries at the
developmental process as families rebalance, rede- present time. On the other hand, if parenting was
fine, and realign their relationships. Hadley and his a problem in the family of origin of one or both
colleagues (1974) found that symptom onset cor- spouses, and has not been dealt with, the transition
related significantly with the normal family devel- to parenthood may produce heightened anxiety for
opmental process of addition and loss of family the couple. Even without any outstanding family
members (e.g.. birth, marriage, divorce, death). of origin issues, the inclusion of a child could po-
Walsh (1978) and McGoldrick (1977) both found tentially tax a system If there is a mismatch be-
that a significant life cycle event (death of a grand- tween the child's temperament and the parent's. Or
parent), when closely related in time to another life if a child is conceived in a time of great political
cycle event (birth of a child), correlated with pat- upheaval that forces a family to leave its roots and
terns of symptom development at a much later culture and migrate to another country, the child's
transition in the family life cycle (the launching of birth may carry with it unresolved issues.
the next generation). Such research supports the In addition to the anxiety-provoking stress that
clinical method of Murray Bowen. which tracks is inherited from past generations and the stress that
patterns through the family life cycle over several is experienced in moving through the family life
generations, focusing especially on nodal events cycle, there is. of course, the stress of living in a
and transition points to understand dysfunction at given place at a given time. Each cohort, or group
the present moment (Bowen. 1978). There is the born at a given time in history, that lives through
strong implication that emotional issues and devel- various historical and sociocultural experiences at
opmental tasks that are not resolved at appropriate the same life cycle phase, is to an extent marked by
stages will be carried along and act as hindrances its members' experiences. The World War II gener-
in future transitions and relationships (see Table ation and the baby boomers are examples of this ef-
1.1). Given enough stress on the horizontal, devel- fect. However, we must also pay close attention to
opmental axis, any individual family will appear the enormous anxiety generated by the chronic un-
extremely dysfunctional. Even a small horizontal remitting stresses of poverty and discrimination,
stress on a family in which the vertical axis is full especially as the economic and racial divide in our
of intense stress will create great disruption in the society widens (West. 1993). And at the end of the
system. The anxiety engendered on the vertical twentieth century, as the conservative crusade for
and horizontal axes where they converge and the so-called family values intensifies, it becomes nec-
interaction of the various systems and how they essary to evaluate the stress for families, especially
CHAPTER 1
women, that is caused by the relentless criticism of Men's roles in families are also beginning
working mothers; the attacks on abortion rights: to change (see Chapter 7). They are participating
and the stigmatizing of divorce, gay and lesbian more in child care (Levine, 1993) and housework
families, and unmarried mothers and their children. (Barnett & Rivers. 1996), and many are realizing.
in their minds if not always in action (Hochschild,
1989, 1997). that equality and partnership (Eisler,
THE CHANGING FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
1987) are a sensible ideal for couples. Michael
Within the past few decades, the changes in family Kimmel. a sociologist and spokesman for the Na-
life cycle patterns have escalated dramatically, ow- tional Organization for Men Against Sexism,
ing especially to the lower birth rate; the longer life holds out to men the ideal of "democratic man-
expectancy: the changing role of women; very high hood," which "requires both private and public
divorce and remarriage rates; the rise of unmarried commitments —changing ourselves, nurturing our
motherhood, unmarried couples, and single-parent relationships, cherishing our families, to be sure,
adoptions; the increased visibility of gay and les- but also reforming the public arena to enlarge the
bian couples and families; and the increase in two- possibilities for other people to do the same"
paycheck marriages to the point where they are the (1996. p. 334). Kimmel welcomes feminism, gay
American norm. While it used to be that child- liberation, and multiculturalism as blueprints for
rearing occupied adults for their entire active life the reconstruction of masculinity. He believes that
span, it now occupies less than half of the adult life men's lives will when there is full
be healed only
span prior to old age. The meaning of family has equality for everyone (Kimmel & Mosmiller,
changed drastically, but there is no agreed-upon 1992; Kimmel, 1995).
definition. The changing role of women is central Another major factor affecting all families at
to these shifting family life cycle patterns. Seventy one time or another is the break in cultural and
percent of working-age women are in the work- family continuity created by migration (Chapter
force.Even women who choose primary roles of 10; Sluzki, 1979). This break and its repercussions
mother and homemaker must now face an "empty throughout family relationships affect family life
nest" phase that equals in length the years devoted cycle patterns for generations. An enormous num-
primarily to child care. Perhaps the modem femi- ber of Americans have immigrated within the past
nist movement was inevitable, as women have come two generations.
to need a personal identity. Having always had pri- Thus, overall, our paradigm for middle-class
mary responsibility for home, family, and child American families is currently more or less myth-
care, women necessarily began to struggle under ological, relating in part to existing patterns and in
their burdens as they came to have more options for part to the ideal standards of the past against which
their own lives. Given their pivotal role in the fam- most families compare themselves.
ily and their difficulty in maintaining concurrent It is imperative that therapists at least recog-
functions outside the family, it is perhaps not sur- nize the extent of change and variations in the norm
prising that women have been the most prone to that are now widespread and that we help families
symptom development at life cycle transitions. For to stop comparing their structure and life cycle
men. the goals of career and family are parallel. For course with that of the family of the 1950s. While
women, these goals conflict and present a severe relationship patterns and family themes may con-
dilemma. Surely, women's seeking help for family tinue to sound familiar, the structure, ages, stages,
problems has much to do with their socialization, and culture of the American family have changed
but it also reflects the special life cycle stresses on radically.
women, whose role has been to bear emotional re- It is time for us professionals to give up our at-
sponsibility for all family relationships at all stages tachments to the old ideals and to put a more posi-
of the life cycle (Chapter 6). tive conceptual frame around what is: two-paycheck
marriages; permanent single-parent households; Miller, 1976), only the former was ever described
unmarried, remarried, and gay and lesbian couples in the literature. Most male theoreticians, such as
and families; single-parent adoptions; and women Freud, Kohlberg, Erikson, and Piaget, tended to ig-
of all ages alone. It is past time to stop thinking nore female development or subsume it under
of transitional crises as permanent traumas and male development, which was taken as the stan-
to drop from our vocabulary words and phrases dard for human functioning (Broverman et al.,
that link us to the norms and prejudices of the 1972; Notman, Klein, Jorden, & Zilbach, 1991;
past, such as broken or fatherless homes, children Tavris, 1992). Separation and autonomy have been
of divorce, out-of-wedlock children, and working considered the primary values for male develop-
mothers. ment, the values of caring and attachment, interde-
pendence, relationship, and attention to context
being primary in female development. However,
THE EXPANDED FAMILY LIFE CYCLE:
healthy development requires finding an optimal
INDIVIDUAL DEVELOPMENT
balance between connectedness and separateness,
Part of the pull that family therapists feel to revert belonging and individuation, accommodation and
to psychoanalytic thinking whenever the individ- autonomy. In general, developmental theories have
ual is under consideration comes from the fact that failed to describe the progression of individuals
our models of individual development have been in relationships toward a maturity of interdepen-
built on Freud's and Erikson's ideas of psychoso- dence. Yet human identity is inextricably bound
cial development. Compared to Freud's narrow fo- up with one's relationship to others, and the notion
cus on body zones, Erikson's (1963, 1968) eight of complete autonomy is a fiction. Human beings
stages of human development which have clearly cannot exist in isolation, and the most important
been equated with male development; (Broverman aspects of human experience are relational.
et al., 1972) are an effort to highlight the interac- Most developmental theorists, even those who
tion of the developing child with society. However, have been feminist, have espoused psychodynamic
what Erikson's stages actually emphasize are not assumptions about autonomy and separation, over-
interdependence and the connectedness of the in- focusing on relationships with mothers as the
dividual in relationships, but rather the develop- primary factor in human development. They have
ment of individual characteristics (mostly traits of assumed that masculine identity is achieved by
autonomy) in response to the demands of social in- separating from the mother and feminine identity
teraction (Erikson, 1963). Thus, trust, autonomy, through identification and attachment to her. Sil-
industry, and the formulation of an identity sepa- verstein (1994) and Gilligan (quoted in Norman,
rate from his family are supposed to carry a child 1997) effectively challenge this assumption that
to young adulthood, at which point he is suddenly male development requires separating from one's
supposed to know how to "love," go through a mother. Gilligan (1982) critiques Piaget's concep-
middle age of "caring," and develop the "wisdom" tion of morality as being tied to the understanding
of aging. This discontinuity — a childhood and ad- of rights and rules and suggests that for females,
olescence focused on developing one's own auton- moral development centers on the understanding of
omy supposedly in preparation for an adulthood of responsibility and relationships, whereas Piaget's
intimacy, caring, and —
wisdom expresses exactly description fits traditional male socialization's fo-
what we believe is wrong with male socialization cus on autonomy (see Chapters 2 and 7). Eleanor
as it is still practiced today in the belief that this is Maccoby (1990) and Jean Baker Miller (1976) have
normal human development. tried to expand our understanding of the power
Although there has always been a "his" and dimensions in the social context of development.
"hers" version of development, until recently (Din- Their work suggests a broader conception of de-
nerstein, 1976; Gilligan. 1982; McGoldrick, 1989; velopment for both males and females.
10 CHAPTER 1
Developing a schema that would enhance all or lesbian couples and children, remarried families
human development by including milestones of with shifting membership of children who belong
both autonomy and emotional connectedness for to several households, single-parent families, fam-
both males and females from earliest childhood ilies consisting of brothers and/or sisters or aunts
has drawn us, not surprisingly, to the work of those and nieces, unmarried partners and their children
whose perspectives go beyond white male devel- and possibly a parent or an unmarried sibling of
opment. These include Hale-Benson (1986), who one. Yet, however much we accept the idea that
explored the multiple intelligences and other family diversity exists, our society still tends to
developmental features she identified in African think of "family" as meaning a heterosexual, le-
American children; Almeida, Woods, and Messi- gally married couple and their children. This fam-
neo (1998), who have been articulating a broad- ily form is taken all too frequently as the ideal
based cultural conception of human development; against which all other family forms are judged
Comer and Poussaint (1992), who have factored and found wanting (McCarthy, 1994). All other
racism and its effects into their blueprint for devel- family forms, which former President of the Re-
opment of healthy black children; Ian Canino and public of Ireland Mary Robinson has termed
Jeanne Spurlock (1994), who outline many ways "unprotected families" (Burke, 1991), require our
in which minority ethnic groups socialize their special consideration. Their history and family ex-
children; and Joan Borysenko (1996), whose de- perience have been invalidated (McCarthy, 1994).
scriptions of the stages of female development ap- The backlash forces in our society use code
pear to have universal applicability for both males terms such as "family values" to imply that tradi-
and females from all cultural groups. Borysenko's tional nuclear families are the only valid families.
outline reflects the human need for responsible We must resist such insidious definitions and insist
autonomy, which recent decaaes have granted in on a more inclusive definition of family and family
some measure to females, and emphasizes the im- values.
portance of understanding interdependence, a con- Contemporary families may consist of tradi-
cept that girls and children of color learn early but tional nuclear families or many other kinds of
that is ignored in traditional male development. immediate family households with or without
children: single divorced parents, single unmarried
CONTEMPORARY FAMILIES parents, remarried families, unmarried partners, gay

or lesbian partners, single adults, or widows or
It is high time we gave up on our traditional con- widowers, whose other family members may live
cept of family and expanded our very definition of in other households. Most of these families live in
the term. As Johnetta Cole (1996) has put it:
more than one household; divorced, remarried, and
No one family form —nuclear, extended, single-
unmarried families may have ex-spouses and/or
parent, matrilineal, patrilineal, fictive, residential,

children who visit periodically. If parents live sep-
nonresidential —necessarily provides an environ- arately, we regard children as emotionally mem-
ment better for humans to live or raise children in. bers of both households, regardless of the legal
Wife beating, child abuse, psychological terror, ma- custody arrangements, what Ahrons (Chapter 23)
terial deprivation and malnutrition take place in calls the "binuclear family." This is in keeping with
each of those family forms. And our responsibility, our belief that divorce restructures but does not end
whether single parents or coparents or no parents the family.
at all, is to do all in our power to help create a
Dilworth-Anderson, Burton, and Johnson
healthy nonoppressive family environment for ev-
(1993) have contributed a thoughtful analysis of the
ery living human being, (p. 75)
impossibility of understanding families of color by
Families have many forms: multigenerational using the rigid perspective of the nuclear family
extended families of three or four generations, gay model: "Important organizing, relational bonding
OVERVIEW: THE EXPANDED FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 11
of significant others, as well as socialization prac- cultural group, to the nation, and then to our in-
tices or sociocultural premises are overlooked by creasingly "global" society. All these levels have
researchers when the nuclear family structure is an enormous impact on the individuals and fami-
the unit of analysis" (p. 640). They discuss the im- lies under their sway.
portant ways in which social support networks There is an African saying, "If I don't care for
within the Black community serve as a buffer you, I don't care for myself." which expresses the
against a discriminating environment. They call African sense that our identity is bound up in our
for a broadening of ideas of what constitutes a interrelatedness to others (see Chapter 19). This is
family and its positive characteristics to allow for the essence of community defined as the level of in-
"culturally relevant descriptions, explanations, and teraction that bridges the gap between the private,
interpretations of the family." They argue for the personal family and the great impersonal public
importance of a life-course perspective because it sphere. During the "me-firsf 1980s, in a whirlwind
'
is based on interdisciplinary ways of thinking, be- of corporate speculation and reckless disregard for
ing a framework that emerged from the cross-fer- the commonweal, of massive deindustrialization
tilization of the sociology of aging, demographic and urban instability, American communities were
cohort analysis, and the study of personal biogra- blown apart. Women, who had for generations
phy in social psychology and history, and because done the unpaid work of keeping their families con-
it represents a dynamic approach to the study of nected to the community had themselves joined the
family lives by focusing on the interlocking nature workforce, many for economic survival, and no-
of individual trajectories within kinship networks body has yet replaced them. This loss is devastating
in the context of temporal motion, culture, and for individuals and families alike and is a loss of the
social change. A life cycle framework thus "of- spiritual sense of belonging to something larger
fers the conceptual flexibility to design conceptual than one's own small, separate concerns. With our
frameworks and studies that address a variety of ever greater involvement in work, time for anything
family forms in culturally diverse contexts" (p. 640). "unnecessary" has disappeared, so many people
Indeed, the separation of families into genera- have no time for church or synagogue, friends or
tional subsystems, referred to as the "nuclear" and dinner parties, the PTA or the children's school,
the "extended" family, creates artificial separation political action or advocacy. They seem lost in the
of parts of a family. Extended family may live in scramble to survive in a tense, high-wired, violent
many different geographic locations, but they are time that rewards nothing but the individual acqui-
still family. Adding or subtracting members in the sition of power and money (Carter, 1995).
family is always stressful, and the stress of restruc- Shaffer and Amundson (1993), in a chapter
turing in the extended family because of divorce, entitled "A Return
Community, but Not the Kind
to
death, or remarriage adds to the normative stress of Your Grandparents Knew." define community as a
the immediate family's task of dealing with what- dynamic whole that emerges when a group of
ever family patterns, myths, secrets, and triangles people participate in common practices: depend on
make up the emotional legacy from the family of one another; make decisions together: identity them-
origin. selves as part of something larger than the sum of
their individual relationships; and commit them-
selves for the long term to their own. one another's,
OUR LIFE CYCLES UNFOLD IN THE
and the group's well being. Choice is the operative
CONTEXT OF THE COMMUNITY
idea here, not nostalgia. It is important to remem-
OF OUR CONNECTEDNESS
ber that many traditional communities were and
Community also represents multiple levels of the are repressive as well as secure, exclusionary as
human system, from the small face-to-face neigh- well as supportive of their members, and then only
borhood, group, or local community to the larger as long as members conform to community norms.
12 CHAPTER 1
Webs of friendship and collective association, how- Therapists could have a meaningful role here,
ever, arewoven deliberately and can be severed. encouraging clients to express their ideas about the
Our social networks are no longer a given. We meaning of family and asking whether they are liv-
must, as economist Paul Wachtel (1989) says, find ing according to their own values and ideals. But
our own place in a social network that
is no longer we have been trained to avoid topics that smack
given to us to the degree that was in the past. "We it of religion or even philosophy, and after millennia
have no reserved seats. We must win our place" of holistic approaches to healing by the doctors of
(p. 62). Wachtel suggests that our commitment to preindustrial cultures, we try to keep physical, emo-
consumption is, in fact, an increasingly desperate tional, and spiritual healing separate (Butler, 1990).
attempt to replace our old sense of community and But we pay a price for our arbitrary divisions, and
security with things. Amitai Etzioni (1997), one of so do our clients: depression, cynicism, anomie,
our leading theorists on the subject of community, despair and a culture of drugs, both recreational
holds out a vision of community grounded in dia- and medicinal.
logue rather than fundamentalist censorship. Com- How did we become one of the world's most
munity in our lives can provide the best antidote to class-stratified nations, with seemingly impenetra-
violence and anomie in our society and our best ble walls between people of different status? The
hope of an alternative to consumerism as a way of overclass lives in gated communities (where the
life. emphasis is on security, not community), the un-
derclass lives behind prison bars, on the street, or
in cell-like corners of the ghetto; and everyone in
THE LARGER SOCIETY
between is confused about what is going on. The
This is the largest context that has direct impact on gap between rich and poor continues to widen. The
our daily lives. In peacetime, this means the United U.S. Census Bureau reported in the fall of 1997
States as a whole with its laws, norms, traditions, that in the previous year, median family incomes
and way of life. In wartime, of course, and in pur- rose and Black and Latino poverty rates fell. How-
suit of global markets, the context grows larger ever, closer examination revealed that incomes rose
than one nation, and environmentally, the context because more wives worked and men and women
for everyone is "spaceship earth." But for our pur- worked more hours. The gap between men's and
poses, we will consider here the culture of the women's pay increased again, and the poorest 20
United States at the close of the twentieth century percent of the population showed no increase in in-
and the dawn of the twenty-first. It is not a pretty come (New York Times, Sept. 15, 1997). The ex-
sight. Mary Pipher (1994) says, "It became clearer treme division between the haves and have-nots
and clearer to me that if families just let the culture may be attributable to the change of rules in the
happen to them, they end up fat, addicted, broke, larger society in the 1980s, such as changes in the
with a house full of junk, and no time" (quoted in tax code for individuals and corporations, exces-
Simon, 1997, p. 29). Robert Bly (1996) says that sive CEO salaries, the decline of unions, and the
contemporary society has left us with spiritual flat- plunge into global competition (Yeskel, 1997).
ness with the talk show replacing the family, the The antidote to social injustice, as Yeskel (1997)
internet instead of art, and the mall instead of emphasizes, is political and social action.
community. Paradoxically, the American people, We are all part of the problem. The political
resented and envied throughout the world for our climate may exist in spite of us, but the properties
luxurious though vacuous way of life, are among of the system cannot be maintained unless the peo-
the most religious, though not necessarily spiri- ple in the system maintain them. If they begin to
tual, people in the world (Mason, 1997). However change their values and assumptions, they will be-
extreme we may think or hope these comments gin to change the system as well (Wachtel, 1989).
are, there is the ring of truth in them. Galbraith (1996) reminds us that the poor don't
vote and that great political victories can be won ber of never-married men and women dou-
with a small percentage of eligible voters. He says bled or tripled in various age groups since
that if concerned citizens brought the poor into the 1970; for example, among people 35 to 39
system, things would change as politicians sought years old, the rate more than doubled for
to please the voters. When was the last time any of women (from 5 percent to 13 percent) and tri-
us asked a poor client whether he or she planned to pled for men (from 7 percent to 19 percent).
vote? When was the last time we discussed social • Single-parent families headed by women rose
or political action with a middle-class client? We 12 percent (to 12.2 million) and those headed
have to remind ourselves and our clients that if we by men also rose 12 percent (to 3.2 million).
limit our efforts to personal and family change The steepest rise is among white women
within an unchanged larger society, we are helping (Roberts, 1994).
to preserve the status quo. • The nuclear family (married couples with
In recent years, as economic pressures and un- children under 18) shrank from 40 percent in
certainties have grown and sources of support and 1970 to 25 percent of all households in 1996.
inspiration have dwindled, a new trend has ap- About 50 percent of American children live in
peared among the well-to-do: to redefine success nuclear families.

on a slower track and deliberately construct a sim- • In nuclear families with children under age 6,
pler life (Saltzman. 1992). Although many of us 60 percent of mothers and 92 percent of fa-
resist "downshifting," even though "success" is thers work.

killing us, it can be exactly the intervention that • The majority of unwed mothers are poor and
prevents a divorce and/or reacquaints family mem- uneducated, but there are never-married moth-
bers with each other (Carter & Peters, 1997). ers at every income Teenage pregnancy
level.
To keep family therapy relevant to today's rates are dropping. Fewer than one third of
families, we have to learn how and when to discuss single mothers are teenagers. The fathers of
all of the important issues that shape and determine most children born to teenagers are over 20
our lives. We have to leam to reconnect family years old (Coontz, 1997).
members with their dreams and their values. We • Birth rates vary according to the mother's ed-
have to learn to frankly discuss the inequalities in ucation, age, race, and ethnicity. The highest
our society — the racism, classism, sexism, and ho- rates are among women in their twenties with
mophobia that are built into the system —and help the least education. Latino women had a
clients to join together within their families to cre- higher birth rate than non-Latino black or
atechange for themselves and then to look out- white women in every educational category
ward and help bring change to the community and (National Center for Health Statistics, 1997).
larger society. To be lasting, change must occur at • Of the 25 percent of children who live with
every level of the system. one parent, 37 percent live with a divorced
parent and 36 percent live with a never-mar-
ried parent (Saluter, 1996).
THE CHANGING STRUCTURE OF FAMILIES
• The number of unmarried couple households
Various studies by the U.S. Census Bureau (1996 grew from half a million in 1970 to almost 4
and others) report that shifts in family structure million in 1994. About one third had children
leveled off in the 1990s as those changes became under age 15 at home.
embedded in the culture: • The median age of first marriage rose from
20.8 for women and 23.2 for men in 1970 to
• The percentage of single-person households 24.5 for women and 26.7 for men in 1994.
rose from 17 percent to 25 percent, many of • Three fourths of welfare recipients leave wel-
them elderly women (Bryson, 1996). The num- fare within two years, but the instability of jobs
14 CHAPTER 1
and lack of child care often drive them back. because of chronic illness and/or social iso-
Only 1 5 percent stay on welfare for five con- lation. Men account for 81 percent of elder
secutive years. The majority of welfare recip- suicides (Centers for Disease Control and Pre-
ients are white. vention, 1996).
The divorce rate, after doubling between 1960
and 1990. stabilized in the mid-1990s at about It is difficult to get accurate numbers and
46 percent (Bryson. 1996). information about gays and lesbians and their
Between 1970 and 1990, the rate at which families because of the stigma attached to these
people remarry after divorce dropped consid- identities. However, researchers in the gay and
erably. Currently about two thirds of divorced lesbian community provide extremely useful in-
women and three fourths of divorced men formation (see Chapters 15 and 20). Family re-
remarry. searchers (e.g., Gottman. 1994; Patterson. 1992)
After divorce. 64 percent of women and 16 have confirmed findings of normal adjustment for
percent of men report an improvement in psy- children in gay and lesbian families. One study
chological health. Divorced men have three to compared three groups of adult women: one group
four times the mortality rate of their married raised by single, divorced, heterosexual mothers;
peers. one group raised by remarried heterosexual moth-
Within a year after divorce, 50 percent of ers; and one group raised by mothers in lesbian
fathers have virtually lost contact with their couples. No significant differences were found.
children. About two fifths of divorced men do The largest problem of children in gay and lesbian
not pay any child support (Bruce, Lloyd. & families is the hostility or ridicule in the outside
Leonard, 1995), and on the average men pay world (Coontz. 1997).
more for their car payments than they do for The changing American family structure
their child support payments. should be put in the context of similar changes oc-
Remarried families are among our most com- curring worldwide and at every economic level:
mon family structures; 20 percent of children vastly increased divorce rates, the rise of single
live in stepfamilies. parent families, two-income households, an in-
Second marriages break up more frequently crease in work time, especially for women, and
than first marriages do. They also break up high rates of unwed childbearing. In Northern Eu-
sooner — after an average of four rather than rope, for example, one third of all births are to un-
seven years (Norton & Miller, 1992). wed mothers (Bruce et al., 1995). As researcher
"'Co-provider" marriages, in which the wife Frank Furstenberg has said, "The mainspring of
contributes 30-70 percent of the family in- the worldwide change probably has to do with the
come, are now the American norm and the economic status of women and changes in the
major model for young couples (Smock and gender-based division of labor" (New York Times,
Dechter, 1994). Although women generally May 30, 1995). Experts have expressed hope that
earn less than their husbands. 23 percent earn the universality of family change will bring about
more than their husbands. Typically, wives new thinking on social policy.
manage the money but husbands control it.
In two-parent families, men do about one third
MULTICULTURALISM
of the housework and less child care, even
when both parents work at outside jobs (Bar- Racial and ethnic diversity are a fact in the United
nett& Rivers, 1996). States. In the mid-1990s, with a population of 262
Americans age 65 and older make up about 1 million, there were 73.6 percent European whites.
percent of the nation's population but account 12 percent African Americans, 10 percent Latinos,
for about 20 percent of all suicides, probably and 3.3 percent people of Asian ancestry. In the
1990 census, there were 1.5 million interracial which promised upward mobility in exchange for
couples with 2 million children, a total that had education and hard work. Now, the poor are not
doubled in the 1960s, tripled in the 1970s, and given access to adequate education, technical train-
slowed somewhat in the 1980s. However, projec- ing, or any but dead-end jobs. We who have lost
tions are that by the 2050s. Whites will hardlj be a the will to make the dream possible pay an unac-
majority, while Latinos will rise to about 25 per- knowledged price in increased cynicism and de-
cent, the Black population will remain stable at 12 spair and a loss of pride in the unstable and violent
or 13 percent, and Asians will rise to about 8 per- world we are leaving to our children and grand-
cent. The overall U.S. population will have risen to children, for which we blame the poor.
394 million by that date. Such changes will imme-
diately present a host of new issues. For example.
THE AMERICAN FAMILY OF THE FUTURE
if, as projected. Whites will make up fewer than
half of those under age 18 but three fourths of According to Gillis (1996).
those over age 65, what will happen to the amounts

If history has a lesson for us, it is that no one family
of money allotted to public education and to Social
form has ever been able to satisfy the human need
Security or Medicare? How will the composition
for love, comfort, and security. . . . We must keep
of Congress, now almost entirely white and male, our family cultures diverse, fluid, and unresolved,
change? We should be alert for more and more open to the input of everyone who has a stake in
backlash against families of color as these projec- their future Our rituals, myths and images must
tions become more widely known. therefore be open to perpetual revision, never al-
lowed to come under the sway of any orthodox) in-
to serve the interests of any one class, gender or

THE POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC SYSTEM generation. We must recognize that families are
worlds of our own making and accept responsibil-
As John Kenneth Galbraith 1996) has ( said, the po-
ity for our own creations, (p. 240)
litical dialectic in the United States used to be be-
tween capital and labor, between employer and The most important determinants of the future
employee, but now the struggle is between the rich will be our handling of the issues of the present:
(and those aspiring to be so) and the poor, unem- the support that we, as a society, give or don't give
ployed and those suffering from racial, age. or gen- to family diversity in structure and culture and to
der discrimination. Our democracy has become, in the aspirations of the poor to give a better life to
large measure, a democracy of the fortunate. their children. Work is a big problem waiting to be
The role of government is disputed. For the solved: too much of it for some, not enough for
poor, the government can be central to their well- others, and the need to provide good-quality child
being and even survival. For the rich and comfort- care for all the children on whom the future rests.
able, the government is a burden, except when it Adequate education and health care are needed for
serves their interests as in military expenditure. them and their parents, and a commitment of a so-
Social Security, or the bailout of failed financial in- ciety with relatively fewer young people to pay the
stitutions. The United States has the widest gap medical bills and Social Security of an increasing
between the rich and poor of any industrialized na- aging population. We need men to join actively in
tion in the world. In 1989. the top 1 percent of the search for family-friendly solutions. Serious
American households owned nearly 40 percent of human and ethical issues loom — the echoes of life
the nation's wealth. The top 20 percent owned and death — as reproductive technology heads to-
more than 80 percent and this gap has continued to ward genetic engineering and human cloning at
grow (Galbraith, 1996). one end of life and the push for physician-assisted
We believe that this state of affairs — rich versus suicide proceeds at the other end. For two centu-
poor — marks the end of the 'American dream." ries, our political discourse and changes have been
16 CHAPTER 1
about individual "rights." Perhaps in the twenty- tion manageable and clinically relevant without di-
first century, we will remember "interdependence." minishing its complexity. This guide is meant to be
Family therapists are in a unique position to suggestive and is always subject to clinical judg-
help families leave behind their worn-out images ment for a particular case.
and blueprints for the good life and embrace what The use of a genogram to identify and track
is actually happening to make it work for them. patterns, resources, and problems over the genera-
First, of course, we must work at this in our own tions cannot be overemphasized. The genogram, a
lives and with our colleagues. three- or four-generation map of a family, is a major
tool for organizing the complex information on fam-
ily patterns through the life cycle (McGoldrick,
CLINICAL IMPLICATIONS: THE
1995; McGoldrick, Gerson, & Schellenberger,
MULTICONTEXTUAL FRAMEWORK
1998). Neither of us ever sits down with clients
The multicontextual framework (Carter, 1993) without their genogram in hand. Doing a genogram
shown in Table 1 .2 is a model of couple and family is not a one-session task, but a perpetual explora-
assessment to assist clinicians in the work of in- tion. Cultural genograms (Congress, 1994; Hardy &
cluding the relevant issues at all levels of the sys- Laszloffy, 1995; McGoldrick, Giordano, & Pearce,
tem in our clinical thinking and treatment. Our 1996) map a family's race, ethnicity, migration his-
intent is to make an enormous amount of informa- tory, religious heritage, social class, and important
TABLE 1.2 Multicontextual Framework
COMMUNITY
THE IMMEDIATE EXTENDED AND SOCIAL LARGER
INDIVIDUAL HOUSEHOLD FAMILY CONNECTIONS SOCIETY
Age Type of family Relationship Face-to-face links • Social, political,
Gender roles and structure patterns between economic issues
sexual orientation Stage of family life Emotional individual, family, • Bias based on race,
Temperament cycle legacies, themes, and society ethnicity
Developmental or Emotional climate secrets, family Friends and • Bias based on class
physical disabilities Boundaries, myths, taboos neighbors • Bias based on gender
Culture, race, patterns, and Loss Involvement with • Bias based on sexual
ethnicity triangles Socioeconomic governmental orientation
Class Communication level and issues institutions • Bias based on
Religious, patterns Work patterns Self-help, religion
philosophical, Negotiating skills Dysfunctions: psychotherapy • Bias based on age
spiritual values Decision-making addictions, Volunteer work • Bias based on family
Finances process violence, illness, Church or temple status (e.g., single
Autonomy skills disabilities Involvement in parent)
Affiliative skills Social and children's school • Bias based on
Power/privilege or community and activities disability
powerlessness/ involvement Political action • Power and privilege
abuse Ethnicity Recreation or of some groups be-
Education and Values and/or cultural groups cause of hierarchical
work religion rules and norms
Physical or held by religions,
psychological social, business or
symptoms governmental
Addiction and institutions
behavioral • How does a family's
disturbances place in hierarchy af-
Allocation of time fect relationships
Social participation and ability to
Personal dreams change?
cultural issues. A family chronology (listing the handle negativity of the larger society, if ap-
events of family history in chronological order) and plicable? How might those values influence
a sociogram, a map of the social network of a person the current situation?
or family, are other useful tools to use for family as- • Class. Class is a combination of culture, ed-
sessment (Hartman, 1995:McGoldricketal.. 1998). ucation, wealth, and social status; it is also
The Person-In-Environment classification system is determined by the culture, education, wealth,

a useful diagnostic system that emphasizes concep- employment and the social status of the mar-
tualizing the person in context. This assessment tool ital partner. Class mobility is a major factor
for problems in social functioning is social work's in family relationships, often creating unac-
answer to the DSM (Karls & Wandrei. 1994). knowledged tension, isolation, and loss for
Overall, we urge clinicians to go beyond the family members. Clarify the client's class sta-
clients' presenting problems to discuss their values tus in relation to others in the family and
and dreams. Encourage them to reflect about their community.
real lives as they are actually leading them: Is my • Religious, philosophical, and spiritual values.
life meaningful? Do my relationships work? Am I What are client's beliefs about the meaning of
teaching my children w hat they need to know? Do life, death, life after death, God, concern for
I my work? Do I care about money too much
like those less fortunate, and belief in something
or not enough? Is my life balanced? Do have car- I larger than him/herself?
ing connections to my family and to others? Am I • Finances. What are the yearly income, each
contributing to anyone in life? Do I belong client's level of control over income, child
The follow ing information can be gathered in support payments, level of debt, number of
a structured assessment or as it emerges over sev- people the client supports.
eral sessions. It is obviously important to develop a • Autonomy skills. For example, is the client
method of gathering all relevant information sooner free to make independent choices? Is the cli-
rather than later. ent assertive? Does the client believe that his
or her ideas and wishes are heard?
• Affiliative skills. Does the client have friends
ASSESSING INDIVIDUAL DEVELOPMENT
and confidants? Does the client initiate social
Any assessment requires consideration of the fol- contacts or share doubts and dreams with any-
lowing issues for each individual: one? How developed is his or her level of em-
pathy? What are the extent and depth of the
• Age. client's friendship and intimate network
• Gender roles and sexual orientation. It is Does the client have the ability to work collab-
important not only to clarify the individual's oratively as w ell as independently?
sexual orientation and general attitude about • Power/privilege or powerlessness/abuse. Does
gender roles, but also to see how these fit with the client have psychological power, physi-
those of others in the family and community. cal power, and financial resources in relation
• Temperament. to his or her life, family members, or com-
• Developmental or physical abilities or disabil- munity? Any indications of abuse should be
ities. These may include learning disorders, assessed immediately.
developmental lag. high intelligence, or musi- • Education and work. What are the client's in-
cal talent, among other things. come and control of work, level of education,
• Culture, race, and ethnicity: sociocultural back- educational values, skills, and talents?
ground and values. How does the client relate • Physical or psychological symptoms. Such
to his or her sociocultural situation, whether symptoms include sleep disturbance and mood
with pride or discomfort? How does he or she disorder.
18 CHAPTER 1
• Addictions and behavioral disturbances. These encing the immediate situation. These include the
include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, or debt. following:
• Allocation of time. What amounts of time are
spent at work, with family, on the self, in child
• Relationship patterns. These may include cut-
care, on housework, on leisure, or in caretak-

offs, conflicts, triangles, fusion, or enmesh-
ment.
ing of others?
• Social participation. Explore the client's friend-
• Emotional legacies, themes, secrets, family
myths, taboos. These include beliefs such as
ship network and membership in community
organizations.
that money is everything, or that upward mo-
bility is essential.
• Personal dreams. What are the client's wishes
and degree of pursuit or fulfillment of
• Loss. These may include ghosts and unre-
for life
solved, traumatic, untimely, or recent losses.
them?
• Socioeconomic issues. These include class, eth-
All these individual factors can influence fam- nicity, migration history and cultural change,
ily relationships at any phase of the life cycle and religious and spiritual values, income, beliefs,
should be carefully assessed. and prejudices.
• Work patterns. These include belief in work-
ASSESSING THE IMMEDIATE ing to live or living to work, hopelessness
FAMILY HOUSEHOLD(S) about finding meaningful work, and extreme
ambition.
Assessment of this level includes exploration of
the following:
• Dysfunctions. These include addictions, vio-
lence, chronic illness, and disabilities.
• Type offamily structure. For example, if the • Social and community involvement.
household consists of a single parent or single
person, extra attention should be paid to the Exploring the extended family is not like fill-
person's friendships and community connec- ing out a form. The therapist should track the
tions. If the client has been divorced or re- antecedents of the presenting problems by asking
married, attention should be paid to communi- dynamic relationship-oriented questions such as
cation and relationships with the ex-spouse, How did your parents react when you adopted a
especially if there are children. child of a different race? What attitudes have they
• Normative tasks at their stage of the family- expressed about African Americans? Is anyone else
life cycle. in the family interracially married or adopted? Did
• Emotional climate within the family. The emo- theyknow that you had fertility problems? Have
tional climate may be intimate, disorganized, you and your mother had the only conflictual
unpredictable, emotional, tense, angry, cold, mother-daughter relationship in the family? How
or distant. did she get along with her mother? How did her
• Boundaries, patterns, and triangles. These in- sisters get along with their mother?
clude marital, parent/child, and sibling rela- The relevance of the extended family is not
tionships and relationships with other family limited to the past. This is a current and supremely
members or caretakers. significant emotional system, whether or not fam-
• Communication patterns. These include deci- ily members acknowledge that and even if they are
sion making (authoritarian, egalitarian, casual, not speaking to each other.

rigid) and negotiation skills and intimacy.
ASSESSING THE FAMILY'S COMMUNITY
ASSESSING THE EXTENDED FAMILY AND SOCIAL CONNECTIONS
Any family assessment should include consider- Assessing families' connections to work, friends,
ation of multigenerational issues that may be influ- and their broader community is essential to under-
standing their problems and to figuring out strate- for more than 00 years. The Community Mental
1
gies for intervention. Very often, our interventions Health movement of the 1960s made great strides
need to involve helping families to increase their forward in attending to the community level of
contextual supports. This is especially important services to maintain family members' health and
for populations that tend to be isolated, such as di- mental health. Unfortunately, the capitalistic, me-
vorced men, the widowed elderly, and single par- first, "not in my backyard" dismantling of commu-
ents. We must realize that families cannot be nities and community services that has been going
successful in a vacuum or without positive link- on since the 1970s has had far-reaching implica-
ages to the wider social system. Areas to assess in- tions in terms of making the rich richer and the
clude the following: poor poorer. But we do not need to lose our own
moral sense or our essential common sense aware-
• Links between the individual, the family, and
ness of what is obviously in the best interest of
society: Is it a buffer or a social stress?
families through the life cycle just because the
• Friends and neighbors.
dominant groups are trying to blind us to the com-
• Community supports and connections. These
mon welfare of our whole society. And in spite of
include religious groups and groups formed
our hyperindividualistic times, some creative ther-
around interests, sports, work, education, pol-
apists are still daring to maintain their social per-
itics, culture, and the arts.
spective and challenge the dominant ideology. For
• Involvement with government institutions. This
example, Ramon Rojano, the Colombian-born Di-
includes involvement with welfare, the legal
rector of the Department of Human Services in
system, immigration, the military, and entitle-
Hartford, Connecticut, has made his agency a fo-
ment programs such as SSI benefits, Medicare,
rum for doing community family therapy, which
and Medicaid.
he sees as the answer to poverty and the key to res-
• Self-help, psychotherapy. This may include
toration of the American dream. With a network of
Alcoholics Anonymous, and other 12-step
at least twenty community agencies and programs,
programs.
he spreads hope and aspirations among the poor,
• Volunteer work. This includes work for church
combining family therapy with connecting clients
and temple groups, the Rotary Club, the Amer-
to jobs, education, health care, parent education,
ican Legion, the League of Women Voters,
political action groups, leadership training, and
and other such groups.
anything that will help them to take charge of their
Families often belong to formal or informal lives (Markowitz, 1997).
groupings, which meet for mutual activity and sup- As another example of what is possible. Earl
port. Such groups connect individuals and families Shorris. an author (1997a) and a university profes-
to the larger society and buffer them from its stress. sor in New York City, was given space and spon-
They may enhance our spirituality by connecting us sorship by Jaime Inclan at the Roberto Clemente
to interests and purposes larger than our own; miti- Family Guidance Center in New York to offer a
gate the impact of social inequities; and provide in- broad-based course in the humanities to poor young
formation, meaning, enrichment, mutual support, The only requirements
people. for the course were
and joint action to the lives of its members. The low income and the ability to read a tabloid
powerful healing quality of such networks is prob- newspaper. Shorris (1997b) says that he offered
ably a main reason why Alcoholics Anonymous participants hope. He dared to be undaunted by
and the other community-based self-help groups their poverty and to provide them the best ideas
that have sprung from this informal networking available — what is taught at colleges such as Har-
system have developed worldwide standing as the vard and Yale. Using a curriculum of the classics
most powerful intervention to combat addictions. ranging from Plato and Aristotle through political
Community-level interventions have been rec- and moral philosophy, literature, poetry, original
ognized as essential within the social work field documents of U.S. history and more, he taught
20 CHAPTER 1
them about the nature of political power, control ing all things from marriage and family relation-
over their own lives, and the ability to reflect and ships. Such activities are an important part of giving
negotiate instead of only reacting instinctively. back and thus fostering values that go beyond cli-
(This, of course, is the prime component of differ- ents' immediate self-interest.
entiation or emotional maturity as defined by Bo-

wen, 1978.) Volunteer experts served as faculty,
ASSESSING THE IMPACT ON CLIENTS
and the program offered field trips to museums,
OF HIERARCHY AND POWER INEQUALITY
learning through Socratic dialogues, and a compre-
IN THE LARGER SOCIAL STRUCTURES
hensive exam at the end of the year-long course.
OF SOCIETY
Seventeen of the thirty-one youths who began the
course completed it, and a year later, ten of these We are realizing increasingly that our assessment
were attending four-year colleges on full scholar- of families and our interventions must attend to
ships (Shorris 1997b). This is a stunning example the unequal ways that families are situated in the
of how the poor can respond when they are given larger context so that we don't become part of the
the advantages of the privileged. problem by preserving the status quo. Areas to as-
Therapists can make a difference in large and sess include the following:
small ways, even in our office practices. For exam-
ple, Lascelles Black ( 1997), a Jamaican-born fam-
Current or Longstanding Social, Political,
ily therapist, does office therapy with the poor that
and Economic Issues
spills over into the community, as he talks with his
clients' lawyers, doctors, and welfare workers and How have these become family problems? It is
attends clients' parties, weddings, and funerals. He helpful to make a list of issues that you think have
describes himself as "a middle class advocate for an impact on your locale, to help keep these issues
people who have less access than I do." He talks to in the forefront of your mind, since there are so
them about drugs and guns, asking whether they many forces that would obscure them (McGold-
voted and whether they are taking their AIDS med- rick, 1998). Such a list at the end of the twentieth
ication. Black's motto is: Take your opportunities century might include random violence, affirmative
when you find them; Never write anyone off; and action, de facto school and neighborhood segrega-
Never underestimate family bonds of caring. Dusty tion, gay and lesbian adoption or marriage, welfare
Miller, a therapist in Northampton, Massachusetts, reform, abortion rights, prejudice against legal and
focuses her community efforts on therapists, work- illegal immigrants, health care and insurance, tax
ing to mobilize them to take social and political ac- cuts, downsizing, social services to the elderly and
tion rather than submit to the restrictions of "mis- other groups, cost and availability of infertility treat-
managed care" (Miller, 1996-97). She has orga- ments, and physician-assisted suicide.
nized volunteer therapists to provide free services It is extremely important that we not "psy-
to women survivors of violence who are not cov- chologize" social problems by searching for the
ered by any insurance, and part of this service is roots of every problem in the interior motivations
supporting the clients' demands for better health and actions of the individual and/or the family.
care. She mentors doctoral students who develop Many clinical problems can be directly connected
new, creative projects and encourages colleagues with the social system. A lesbian couple came to
and students to speak out and write for lay audi- therapy because of ongoing conflict between them.
ences, not only professionals. The major argument presented was that one of
Even in middle-class office practice, we can them was "neurotic and restless." always wanting
speak to our clients about the benefits of their con- to move to a different neighborhood, pressuring
nection to groups within their communities, which her partner ceaselessly. A thorough assessment
is an important part of lifting the burden of expect- revealed that the "neurotic" partner was a school-
teacher who feared, realistically, that she would and depression. She also expressed great concern
be barred from teaching if her sexual orientation about family finances because his disability pay
were reported to the school system. Therefore, she could not support them and their two young chil-
was extremely anxious about contacts with neigh- dren. The therapist discovered that although the
bors and very sensitive to indications that neigh- wife was a trained bookkeeper, the sexist norms of
bors were puzzled about or suspicious of their their ethnicities and class did not permit either of
relationship. them to even consider one obvious solution: that
the wife could get a full-time job while the hus-
band stayed home with the children and planned or
Bias against Race, Ethnicity, Class, Gender,
trained for whatever new work he would be able to
Sexual Orientation, Religion, Age, Family
do Not until the therapist explicitly
in the future.
Status, or Disability
addressed this and tracked the relevant attitudes
How does a person, family, or group's place in about gender roles in their families of origin and in
these hierarchies affect family relationships and their friends and community network did the cou-
limit or enhance the ability to change? Much has ple realize that they could choose a different set of
been written about the impact of the norms and beliefs about gender roles —and did so.
values of the larger society on the individuals and A middle-class African American woman and
families within it. What is most important for the her husband entered therapy because of marital
clinician to grasp is that race, class, gender, and conflict, which her husband blamed on her depres-
sexual orientation are not simply "differences"; sion. She agreed, saying that her depression was
they are categories that are arranged hierarchically caused by her lack of progress at work, which she
with power, validation, and maximum opportunity blamed on herself. Only after detailed questioning
going to those at the top: whites, the affluent, men, from the therapist did she come to believe that her
and heterosexuals. supervisor's racism might be behind her poor eval-
We must leam to be aware of and deal with uations. Encouraged by the therapist and her hus-
these power differences as they operate ( 1 ) in the band, she then discussed the issue with a higher-
therapy system, in which they add to the already level manager and was transferred to a different
existing power differential between therapist and supervisor, who subsequently promoted her. It is
client; (2) within the family system, in which so- disconcerting to contemplate how many therapists
cial stress easily becomes family conflict; and might have suggested Prozac and explored her
(3) between the family and society, in which they marriage and family of origin for the source of her
either limit or enhance the options available for depression and "poor work performance."
change.
Clinically, the therapist must be prepared to
how racism, sexism, classism,
discuss explicitly
Power and Privilege Given to Some Groups
over Others Because of the Hierarchical Rules
and homophobia may be behind the problems cli-
and Norms Held by Religious, Social, Business,
ents are taking out on each other. The goal is to
or Governmental Institutions
help the family members to join together against
the problems in society instead of letting these It is important to assess the level of awareness of
problems divide them. Explicit discussion and strat- those in privileged and powerful groups as to the
egies will also be needed to overcome the obstacles nature of their position and its responsibilities. Be-
to change, which unaware therapists may blame on cause most people compare themselves with those
the client's "resistance." "above" them, we don't let ourselves become
A severely injured Irish American fireman aware that our privileges are at the expense of those
and his Italian American wife came to therapy be- below us in the hierarchy. But it is important to
cause of the wife's complaints about his drinking realize that sexism, classism. racism, homophobia.
22 CHAPTER 1
anti-Semitism, and other prejudices are problems The following are additional questions to help
of the privileged groups, not of the oppressed, who raise issues in routine couples and family therapy
suffer from the problems. Therefore, we need to assessment:
find ways, whether the issues are part of the pre-
senting problem or not, to raise the issue of racism 1. Ask routinely exactly how much income each
with whites, sexism with men, classism with the spouse earns or has access to. Inquire what
well-to-do, homophobia with heterosexuals, and effect a large disparity in income has on a
anti-Semitism or other religious prejudice with couple's overall decision-making process. Ask
Christians. These are the groups who must change who manages the money, who has veto power,
to resolve the problem. how financial decisions are arrived at, whose
We can ask: What community groups do you name is on their assets. Find out the family's
belong to? Is there diversity of membership? Is that level of debt, exact number of credit cards,
because of exclusionary policies or attitudes? What and number of people they support or expect
are you doing about that? Do you belong to a to support in later years.
church or temple or other religious organization? If 2. Challenge the expectation of middle- and
so, do you agree with their attitude toward people upper-class women that they will be sup-
of other religions? If not, why not? Do your chil- ported financially for life by their husbands.
dren have friends of other racial and religious back- 3. Question a wife who plans to stay home with
grounds? How are you preparing them for the her children as to whether she is "economi-
rapidly increasing multiculturalism in our society? cally viable" — that is, has enough money or
I notice your brother John has never married. Do skills to risk being a nonearner in a society
you think he is gay? If he were, what would make it with a 46 percent divorce rate, in which women
hard for him to tell the family? How did you and are often left with inadequate resources to care
your wife decide on the allocation of household for themselves.
chores? How did you and your wife decide who 4. Challenge the notion that work prevents greater
should cut back at work to do child care? Are you involvement in the family or that a wife must
ashamed of your son-in-law because he and his par- be the primary parent or she is not a "good
ents have less education and money than your fam- mother."
ily? You have much more education and money and 5. Explore the wife's work or career plans and
social status than average. Are you aware of the the husband's fathering.
power that gives you? How do you use it? Do you 6. Ask what each spouse's ethnicity is. If they
exercise your power to make a difference in social are of different races or ethnic backgrounds,
and political issues that concern you? What would ask what issues arise for them, their children,
it take for you to make time to do for others? and their families of origin because of the dif-
Asking such questions is obviously not ferences. Ask — or think about — what impact
enough, since these inequities are structured into their and your racial or ethnic values have on
our society and our consciousness at such a pro- the presenting problem and its evaluation in
found level that those of us with privilege have therapy. Talk and think about the impact of
extreme difficulty becoming aware of this fact. racism on the lives of people of color and in
Frederick Douglass has taught us that power con- the therapy.

cedes nothing without demand. We rarely become 7. Be aware that gender, race, class, and sexual
aware of or give up our privilege without pressure. orientation connect people to a more powerful
But these questions are the beginning of such chal- or less powerful place in the operating hierar-
lenge, because they assert that the status quo is not chies. Be alert to the ways in which racism,
necessarily acceptable to us or to our clients if we sexism, elitism, or homophobia are played out
are pushed to think about such issues seriously. as couple or family problems.
8. When working with gay and lesbian clients, ents to consider changes that help them live
be aware of society 's intense homophobia. according to their own values.
Explore the impact of social stigma on gay 16. Connect all of the above issues from the so-
and lesbian relationships and evaluate the wis- ciocultural system by relating them to the pre-
dom or consequences of coming out in differ- senting problem, and give them emotional
ent contexts: work, family, church, or temple. relevance by exploring the impact of these is-
9. Be aware of the different value systems held sues on the client's family of origin.
by the different socioeconomic classes in the 17. The more we deal with these issues in our own
United States. For example, they have differ- lives, the easier it will be to notice and deal
ent approaches to gender roles, education, re- with them in clients* lives.
ligion, and work. Be aware of the influence of

your own value system w hen discussing these
A METHOD OF INCLUDING
value-laden issues with the couple.
THE SOCIOCULTURAL CONTEXT
10. Ask how much time each parent spends with
IN FAMILY THERAPY
and how much time the couple
their children
has alone together. Explore their satisfaction Rhea Almeida and her colleagues in central New
with their sexual relationship and their method Jersey have organized a format for intervention
of negotiating differences of all kinds. that combines society, community, family, and the
11. Ask specifically how child care and house- individual. Called the Cultural Context Model, it
work chores are divided between the couple was originally designed for treatment of domestic
and among the children. Note and comment violence but now covers a wide range of problems.
when appropriate on whether these tasks are Phase I of treatment consists of socioeducation
allocated according to traditional gender groups in which film clips and readings are used
roles. Ask whether both spouses find involve- to educate the clients about the power abuses of
ment with children and task allocation to be racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia. Men.
fair and satisfactory. women, and children are divided into separate
12. Ask how much time each parent spends at "culture groups." in which sponsors, who have
work, how secure and satisfactory their work previously completed the program, help the clients
is, whether they control their own time at to discuss their personal issues. Men are held ac-
work, and whether they need to work as countable to others and prevented from emotional
many hours as they do to support the family compartmentalizing. Women are empowered and
adequately. prevented from overly focusing on guilt. Children
13. Inform couples struggling w ith marital or di- are encouraged to explore their perceptions of race
vorce issues what the facts and statistics are and gender, and adolescents also explore sexual
in the larger society regarding alimony alloca- orientation. Family therapy takes place in the sep-
tion, child support collection, contact between arate groups for men and women, in family groups,
fathers and children, the divorce rate for first and in individual family sessions, the basic idea
and subsequent marriages, and other factors being to establish a new norm of social account-
relevant to their situation. ability and support. All family problems are exam-
14. Ask routinely about clients* friendships and ined in the social as well as family of origin
their neighborhood and community connec- context. At the conclusion of therapy, family mem-
tions and include such reconnections in the bers are encouraged to give back by becoming
w ork of therapy. sponsors and/or by educating community groups
15. Help clients to think about the meaning of (e.g.. police, schools, business groups) about rac-
spirituality in their lives and what values make ism, sexism, andhomophobia (Almeida, Messin-
their lives meaningful to them. Encourage cli- eor,& Woods, 1998).
24 CHAPTER
CONCLUSION tional. Eventually, one of their children killed the

other. This put domestic violence on our first geno-
Families have always had problems. Adam and gram and made an emotionally loaded issue out of
Eve disobeyed the landlord's rules and were the question of our responsibility toward others
evicted from their lovely estate. Adam immedi- ("Am I my brother's keeper?"). Families have been
ately blamed Eve for luring him into it, and Eve struggling ever since to get it right. Of course,
said that the snake made her do it, showing how there no one "right" way, but many strengths will
is
easily couple conflict follows social upheavals always emerge from the effort. It is crucial that we
such as migration, homelessness, or unemploy- validate and build on those strengths in every type
ment. Having received a life sentence of hard labor of family that we encounter. This is the real mean-
for their infraction, their family remained under ing of family values.
considerable stress and became quite dysfunc-
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.
Chapter 2
SELF IN CONTEXT
THE INDIVIDUAL LIFE CYCLE LN
SYSTEMIC PERSPECTIVE
MONICA McGOLDRICK
BETTY CARTER
Like the concept of zero in mathematics, a concept of self is pivotal in
organizing experience, useful as an idea as long as it is not mistaken for a

thing. Yet. even though we regard the self as logically central to any way oj
experiencing the world, we are trained to look through it like a pane of

glass, only noticing when it becomes blurred or cracked. The Western
insistence on a separate self carries its own blindness, its own
nonrecognition of necessary connection... The very self we set out to
affirm can become a hostage to fortune.
—Man Catherine Bateson 1994. p. 66) 1
REDEFINING THE DIMENSIONS tures, for example, the very conception of human
OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT development begins with the definition of a person
as a social being and defines development as the
As Almeida. Woods, and Messineo (1998) have
evolution of the human capacity for empathy and
stated:
connection. We build on the seminal work of
Almeida. Woods, and Messineo 1 1998) and others
Human de\elopment evolves within the context of
on contextualizing theories of child development
our social roles, which are fundamentally orga-
nized and bounded by our position within the class.

(Comer & Poussaint. 1992: Goleman. 1997: Hale-
gender, racial and cultural structure of our society. . .
Benson. 1986: Mathias & French. 1996). We present
Traditional theories of child development have over- a theory of individual development that integrates
focused on discrete tasks and stages in the evolu- race, class, gender, and culture as central factors
tionof a self defined primarily by a child's level of that structure development in fundamental ways.
achievement and autonomy. This theory defines maturity as self in context, that
is, by our ability to live in respectful relation to oth-
This paper challenges traditional Western for- ers and to our complex and multifaceted world
mulations of human development, which have be- while being able to control our own impulses, and
gun with the individual as a psychological being our ability to think and function for ourselves on
and defined development as growth in the human the basis of our own values and beliefs, even if oth-
capacity for autonomous functioning. It attempts ers around us do not share them. In this conceptual-
to broaden this conceptualization to include more ization, maturity" requires the ability to empathize.
expanded ways of viewing the self. In Eastern cul- trust, communicate, collaborate, and respect others
27
28 CHAPTER 2
who are different and to negotiate our interdepen- Because our society so quickly assigns roles
dence with our environment and with our friends, and expectations based on gender, culture, class,
partners, families, communities, and society in and race, children's competences are obviously not
ways that do not entail the exploitation of others. simply milestones that they reach individually, but
rather accomplishments that evolve within a com-
plex web of racial, cultural, and familial contexts.
DEVELOPING A SELF IN CONTEXT
A child's acquisition of cognitive, communicative,
Gender, class, culture, and race form a basic struc- physical, emotional, and social skills is necessarily
ture within which individuals learn what behaviors, circumscribed by the particular social context in
beliefs, values, and ways of expressing emotion which he or she is raised. Thus our evaluation of
and relating to others they will be expected to dem- these abilities can be meaningful only if these con-
onstrate throughout life. It is this context that car- straints are taken into account.
ries every child from birth and childhood through We believe that children are best able to de-
adulthood to death and defines his or her legacy for velop their full potential, emotionally, intellec-
the next generation. And each generation is differ- tually, physically and spiritually, when they are
ent, as cultures evolve through time, influenced by exposed in positive ways to diversity and en-
the social, economic, and political history of their couraged to embrace it. Children who are least
era, which makes their world view different from restricted by rigid gender, cultural, or class role
the views of those born in other times (Cohler. constraints seem likely to develop the most
Hosteler, & Boxer, 1998; Elder, 1992; Neugarten, evolved sense of a connected self (Almeida et
1979). The gender, class, and cultural structure of al.. 1998).

any society profoundly influences the parameters
of a child's evolving ability to empathize, share,
THE MYTHS OF COMPLETE AUTONOMY
negotiate, and communicate. It prescribes his or
AND SELF-DETERMINATION
her way of thinking for self and of being emotion-
ally connected to others. Given the American focus on individualism and
Healthy development requires establishing a free enterprise, it is not surprising that autonomy
solid sense of our unique selves in the context of and competitiveness have been considered desir-
our connections to others. Connecting to others be- able traits to be instilled in children of the white
comes a particular challenge when they are differ- middle class, leading toward economic success in
ent from us. Raising a nonracist child, for example, the marketplace (Dilworth-Anderson, Burton, &
becomes a serious challenge in our racist society Johnson. 1993). But development must be de-
(Mathias & French, 1996). Racial, religious, and fined by more than intellectual performance, ana-
other kinds of prejudice are learned emotionally in lytical reasoning ability, and a focus on one's own
childhood and are thus very hard to eradicate later, achievements, as if they resulted from completely
even if one's intellectual beliefs change (Goleman, autonomous efforts. The people who have the
1997). Indeed, the most challenging aspect of de- most privilege in our society especially those —
velopment involves our beliefs about, and interac- who are white and male and who have financial
who are different from ourselves:
tion with, others and social status —tend to be systematically kept
men from women; young from old; black from unconscious of their dependence on others (Coontz.
white; wealthy from poor; heterosexual from ho- 1992, 1997). They remain unaware of the hidden
mosexual. Our level of maturity on this crucial di- ways in which our society supports their so-called
mension will depend on how these differences and "autonomous" functioning. Thus, many white men
connections were dealt with within our family of who benefited from the GI bill to attain their edu-
origin, within our communities, within our culture cation now consider it a form of welfare to provide
of origin, and within our society as a whole. education to minorities of the current generation.
SELF IN CONTEXT 29
Men of any class or culture who are raised to sitters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and all the oth-
deny their emotional interdependence face a terri- ers who participate in their caretaking. Traditional
ble awakening during divorce, illness, job loss, or formulations of child development have ignored
other adversities of life. Those who are privileged this rich context and offered us the paucity of a
develop connections amidst a web of dissociations. one-dimensional lens for viewing a child's develop-
It is their privilege that maintains their buffered po- ment: the mother-child relationship. In most cul-
sition and allows them the illusion of complete tures throughout history, mothers have not been the
self-determination. While self-direction and self- primary caretakers of their children, usually being
motivation are excellent characteristics, they can busy with other work. Grandparents and other el-
be realized only in individuals who are permitted ders as well as older siblings have, for the most part,
to attain them and helped to do so by their families been the primary caretakers of children. When we
and by society. focus so myopically on the role of mothers, we not
only project impossible expectations of them, but
DEVELOPING A MATURE we are also blinded to the richness of environments
INTERDEPENDENT SELF in which children generally grow up.

Most child development theories, even femi-
We believe that maturity depends on seeing past
nist theories (Chodorow, 1974; Gilligan. 1982),
myths of autonomy and self-determination. It re-
explain male development's focus on autonomy
quires that we appreciate our basic dependence
and independence (self in isolation) as being a
on each other and on nature. Viewed from this
result of the male child's need to separate from
perspective, in addition to an adequate degree of
the mother by rejecting feminine qualities. Like
self-direction, maturity involves skills such as
Eleanor Maccoby (1990), we strongly "doubt that
the following:
the development of distinctive interactive styles
1. The ability to feel safe in the context of the fa-

has much to do with the fact that children are
miliar and the unfamiliar or different.

parented primarily by women ... and it seems
likely that (their) 'identification' with the
2. The ability to read emotion in others, to prac-
. . . . . .
tice self-control, to empathize, and to engage

same- sex parent is more a consequence than a
cause of children's acquisition of sex-typed inter-
in caring for others and in being cared for (Go-
leman, 1997). action styles" (p. 519). Maccoby thinks that pro-
cesses within the nuclear family have been given
3. The ability to accept one's self while simul-
taneously accepting differences in others, to
too much credit — or too much blame — for sex-
maintain one's values and beliefs, and to typing. She places most emphasis on "the peer
re-
late generously to others, even if one is not re-

group as the setting in which children first discover
ceiving support from them or from anyone the compatibility of same-sex others, in which
else for one's beliefs (defined by Bowen as
boys first discover the requirements of maintaining
"differentiation").
one's status in the male hierarchy, and in which the
4. The ability to consider other people and future

gender of one's partners becomes supremely im-
generations when evaluating sociopolitical portant" (p. 519). We know that parents treat boys
and girls differently from earliest infancy (Romer,
issues such as the environment and human
rights.
1981). In general, they discuss emotions —with the
exception of anger —more with their daughters
than with their sons. They use more emotional
IT TAKES A VILLAGE
words when talking to their daughters (Lewis &
Children's sense of security evolves through their Haviland, 1993). Fathers tend to treat young boys
connection and identification with those who care and girls in a somewhat more gendered way than
for them —mothers, fathers, siblings, nannies, baby- mothers do (Siegal, 1987).
30 CHAPTER 2
We believe that all of these socialization influ- oreticians (such as Erikson, Piaget, Levinson, and
ences are present and important. Parents, acting Valliant), while values associated with men were
under the influence of all available social evidence equated with adult maturity. Concern about rela-
and beliefs, expect and reinforce different behav- tionships was seen as a weakness of women (and
iors in their sons than in their daughters. The cor- men) rather than a human strength.
rectness of these behaviors is then validated in all In fact, women have always been involved in
the media as well as by teachers, pediatricians, defining and redefining themselves throughout
relatives, babysitters, and the parents' own obser- their lives in the context of their changing relation-
vations of children's play groups. Meanwhile, ships. The life cycle framework, developed as a
science argues about whether these are inborn dif- perspective on self-in-relation, seems a much more
ferences or self-fulfilling prophecies. Only if we appropriate way to think of life cycle development
expand our lens to children's full environment can for both men and women (Korin. McGoldrick, &
we properly measure the characteristics that may Watson, 1996; Jordan, 1997). Erik Erikson's widely
help them to attain their full potential and see accepted eight stages of development, for exam-
clearly the influences that limit it. ple, ignore completely the evolution of our ability
Indeed, the traditional norms of male develop- to communicate — the one characteristic that most
ment have emphasized many of these characteristics distinguishes us from all other animals. Erikson's
(see Chapter 7) including keeping emotional dis- scheme makes no reference between age 2 and 20
tance; striving for hierarchical dominance in family to interpersonal issues. It suggests that human con-
relationships; toughness; competition; avoidance of nectedness is part of the first stage (Trust versus
dependence on others; aggression as a means of Mistrust), during the first two years of life. But
conflict resolution; avoidance of emotional close- further reference to human relationships does not
ness and affection with other males; suppression of appear again until stage 6 (Intimacy versus Isola-
feelings except anger; and avoidance of "feminine" tion). All the other stages leading to adulthood de-
behaviors such as nurturing, tenderness, and expres- scribed by Erikson involve individual rather than
sions of vulnerability. Such norms make it virtually relational issues: Autonomy versus Shame and
impossible to achieve the sense of interdependence Doubt, Initiative versus Guilt, Industry versus
that is required for maturity. Inferiority, and Identity versus Role Confusion.
Thus, doubt, shame, guilt, inferiority, and role con-
fusion are all defined as having no part in a healthy
GENDERED DEVELOPMENT:
identity. Identity is defined as having a sense of
FROM ADAMS RIB
self apart from rather than in relation to one's
Female development was formerly seen in the liter- family and says nothing about developing skill in
ature only from an androcentric perspective, that is, relating to one's family. Furthermore, in Erikson's
become an adaptive helpmate to foster
learning to scheme, generativity is ignored during the time
male development. Most early male theoreticians, of greatest human creativity: bearing and raising
such as Freud, Kohlberg, and Piaget, tended to ig- children.
nore female development, which has been described Given these distorted definitions of healthy
in the literature only for the last two decades (Din- development, it is not surprising that men so often
nerstein, 1976;Gilligan, 1982; Miller, 1976;Pipher, grow up with an impaired capacity for intimacy
1994). While separation and autonomy were con- and human connectedness. Our culture's distorted
sidered the primary values for male development, ideals formale development have made it hard for
values of caring and attachment, interdependence, men acknowledge their vulnerability, doubt,
to
relationship, and attention to context were viewed as imperfection, role confusion, and desire for hu-
primary in female development. Values that were man connections (Kimmel, 1996). In our view, all
thought to be feminine were devalued by male the- stages of the life cycle have both individual and in-
SELF IN CONTEXT 31
terpersonal aspects, and the failure to appreciate biology, since socialization affects people so pow-
this human develop-
has led to seriously skewed erfully and so early. We do know that females are
ment The most important aspects of human expe- more likely to survive the birth experience, less
rience are relational. likely to have birth defects, and less vulnerable to
disease throughout life. The major difference in

early childhood is that girls develop language skills
DEVELOPING A SELF IN A
earlier and boys tend to be more active, but since
N()\ AFFIRMING ENVIRONMENT
studies of infants show that parents talk and look
The developmental literature, strongly influenced more at girls and engage in more rough play w ith
by the psychoanalytic tradition, has focused al- bo) s. it is not possible at this point to say whether
most exclusively on mothers, giving extraordinary the gender differences are biological or social.
importance to the mother-child relationship in the Eleanor Maccoby. one of the leading researchers on
earliest years of life, to the exclusion of other rela- sex differences, found that over the past two de-
tionships in the family or to later developmental cades, the sex differences on various dimensions
phases (Lewis. Feiring. & Kotsonis. 1984). Kagan have not changed too much. Moderate differences
(1984) has recently drawn our attention to the my- were found between boys and girls in performance
thology involved in our assumptions about the on mathematical and spatial abilities, while sex dif-
overriding importance of infancy and early child- ferences in verbal abilities had faded. Other aspects
hood in determining the rest of human life. The of intellectual performance continue to show gender
psychoanalytic model has also stressed the view of equality (Maccoby. 1990). but differences in social
human development as a primarily painful pro- behavior follow from societal patterns that orient
cess. The assumptions about development in the boy s to competition and girls to relationships. Pre-
early years led to a psychological determinism that school girls, who increasingly try to influence oth-
held mothering responsible for whatever hap- ers by polite suggestions, have increasingly less
pened. Much of the feminist literature has con- ability to influence boys, who are more and more
tinued to focus on mothering while locating the unresponsive to polite suggestions. Boys and girls
mother-child dyad within a patriarchal system would respond to a vocal prohibition by another
(Chodorow & Contratto. 1982: Dinnerstein. 1976). boy. Maccoby thinks that girls find it aversive to
We urge quite a different perspective of human de- keep trying to interact with someone who is unre-
velopment, which views child development in the sponsive and begin to avoid such partners.
richness of its entire context of multigenerational Kagan and Moss (1962) traced achievement-
family relationships as well as within its social and oriented adults back to their relationships with their
cultural context. mothers (they did not look at their relationships
It is also curious that the developmental liter- with their fathers). They found that these males had
ature has ignored the powerful impact of children very close, loving relationships with their mothers
on adult development. Thus, the potential for in infancy, while the females had less intense close-
change and growth in parents, as they respond ness with their mothers than the average. Hoffman
to the unfolding of their children's lives is lost. ( 1972) has suggested that a daughter is more likely
As Daniels and Weingarten 1983) ( note. "Because to become achievement oriented if she does not ex-
men have not traditionally occupied themselves perience the training in dependence that has gener-
with caring for children, parenthood — the core ally been prescribed as typical for girls.
experience of what Erikson calls generativity. is The data on children who are raised w ith only
oddly missing from their sense of their own devel- one parent are not clear. Some girls who are raised
opment" (p. 5). without a father have more difficulty in establishing
It is difficult to determine what behavioral dif- relationships with men. while boys may display
ferences between males and females are based on extremely "masculine" behavior, possibly because
32 CHAPTER 2
their mothers" sensitivity to the lack of a father en- their potential and to appreciate others for their dif-
courages the mothers to emphasize this behavior ferent ways of knowing and doing. Thus, girls
(Romer, 1981). but the pattern depends on many should be allowed and encouraged to develop their
factors, including the presence of other male fig- individual abilities without being viewed as self-
ures in the children's lives and the age at which ish. They should be supported in developing lead-
they lose their fathers. On the other hand, children ership skills and in being comfortable with their
who are raised with their mothers in a single-parent accomplishments without fearing that their suc-
household may well experience more collabora- cess hurts others, while boys should be encouraged
tive, democratic relationships throughout child- to develop their relational and emotional selves,
hood, which may be a particular strength in our which are currently devalued in our theories and
competitive, hierarchical society (Hartman, 1987). in the dominant society, which sees these styles
Infants and toddlers begin developing trust in as "unmanly." Psychological studies reveal that
their immediate environment, which ideally sup- when fathers are involved in child-rearing in a
ports their safety and development. As soon as major way. sons become more empathic than sons
they reach the point of leaving the safety of their raised in the traditional ways (Miedzian, 1991). A
home environment, however, developing trust de- twenty-six-year longitudinal study of empathy
pends on how one's cultural group is positioned in found that the single factor most linked to em-
the larger world. It takes greater maturity to be able pathic concerns was the level of paternal involve-
to develop one's sense of self in an unfamiliar set- ment in child care (Koestner, Franz. & Weinberger,
ting, in which one has little support, than it does in 1990). This suggests that the negative role model-
a context in which everyone in the outside world ing of a distant father on his children is significant
affirms your values. Members of the dominant and should be considered clinically.
groups of our society receive this affirmation daily, Peggy Mcintosh (1985, 1989), in her article
whereas many others do not grow up with this af- "On Feeling Like a Fraud," has described the ways
firmation of their selfhood: a gay or lesbian child, in which women who have been socialized in the
a disabled child, a girl, a child of color, or a poor single track logic of academia can end up feel-
child. These children, stigmatized and often vili- ing stupid because they may have intellectual ap-
fied, are not the ones depicted in books. TV pro- proaches other than, or in addition to, making out-
grams, and movies as the "valued" child. Thus, a lines that lay out subcategories in hierarchical
nonprivileged child who does manage to develop a order. Catherine Bateson (1994) likewise chal-
strong self has accomplished a developmental feat lenges the very ordering of education as a precur-
beyond that of a child who has always been af- sor to livinglife, suggesting instead that it makes
firmed both at home and in the larger society's cul- more sense to thread education throughout our
tural messages (Kunjufu. 1995). Our theories of lives. Our ability to acknowledge our ignorance
child development must take this into account. and maintain openness to learning is essential, yet
Paradoxically, children of privilege may lack not highly valued in our culture: "An open mind,
adaptive skills because they live in such an affirm- the willingness to learn from mistakes, the willing-
ing, nonchallenging environment. Their lives shel- ness to admit ignorance —these are not widely
ter them to an extreme degree from minority ex- valued or rewarded characteristics in our leaders.
periences, that is, from ever feeling "other" or When political leaders hesitate or revise their
being the only one of their values or opinions in a views, we mistake it for weakness, not strength"
group, experiences that promote growth as well as (p. 74).
difficulty. The implications of these ideas are evident.

In our view, the richness of possibilities for People of privilege can be at an enormous disad-
learning and expressive styles should be celebrated, vantage because of the smugness and inflexibility
and all children should be encouraged to develop of mainstream learning styles, which may leave
SELF IN CONTEXT 33
them unable to acknowledge their ignorance and • lntrapersonal intelligence: the ability to un-
place themselves in the position of learner. Indeed, derstand oneself.
as Bateson points out, very few societies reward • Artistic intelligence: the ability to connect
those who new learning. Many

take the risks of words, color, materials, music, and space in
adults take on the challenge of new learning which interesting and unique ways.
requires and promotes profound change only when
they are desperate. As Bateson 1994) says, "This ( Traditional child development schemas re-
is why so much adult learning is packaged today ward only the development of the analytic style of
as therapy and why it must often offer the com- processing information. "Aspects of analytic style
pensation of membership in a new community or can be found in the requirements that the pupil
relationship" (p. 72). We are in serious need of learn to sit for increasingly long periods of time, to
modifying our cultural norms so that one does not concentrate alone on impersonal learning stimuli,
need to feel humbled or threatened to open oneself and to observe and value organized time allotment
to new learning throughout life and so that there schedules" (Cohen, 1969, p. 830). How might dif-
are affirmation and support for all of the ways of ferent groups react to this? In China, for example,
learning and of expressing the self. there is no concept of the musical virtuoso. Study-
ing music is all about learning to play in harmony
together. So the highest development involves the
OUR MULTIPLE INTELLIGENCES
most accomplished ability to be in harmony with
Traditional child development theories would have others. American Indians, as another example,
us think that intelligence is almost unidimensional, raise their children to be keen observers of the
but a contextual perspective broadens this frame world around them. Intelligence in this context in-
immeasurably. Ogbu's studies (1981) demonstrate volves being able to look and listen carefully to
that the intellectual tasks that Western theorists animals, birds, and trees in ways that are almost to-
such as Piaget have used as definers of maturity are tally unknown to many American children (Bro-
extraordinarily narrow indicators of intelligence ken Nose, 1997).
and totally inadequate as a schema for understand- Many values within other African American
ing the rich possibilities of a child's intellectual de- communities are at odds with the dominant priori-
velopment (Almeida et al., 1998). ties for child development. Lerome Bennett has
Many other forms of intelligence have been described their verbal emphasis thus:
described (Ellison. 1984; Gardner, 1983; Goleman.
1997; Hale-Benson, 1986): Black culture gives rise to highly charismatic and
stylistic uses of language. There is no counterpart
• Emotional intelligence: the ability to control in white culture to the oratory of a Dr. Martin
impulses, empathize with others, and conduct Luther King, Jr., a Rev. Jesse Jackson, a Barbara
Jordon ...or a Shirley Chisholm. The verbal rituals,
responsible social, interpersonal, and intimate
particularly of Black male children, expressed in
relationships.
woofin', soundin', signifying chants, toasts, and
• Spatial intelligence: the ability to find one's
play in the dozens are examples of stylistic uses of
'
way around.
language. These language skills of Black children
• Musical intelligence: the ability to perceive are not assessed on the standard measures of ver-
rhythm and pitch. bal intelligence. (Hale-Benson, 1986, citing Lerome
• Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence: the gift of fine Bennett, p. xiii)
motor movement as seen in a surgeon, an ath-
lete, or a dancer. Black children must master two cultures to suc-
• Interpersonal intelligence: the ability to un- ceed (Hale-Benson. 1986). Even though Black chil-
derstand others. dren are using complex thinking skills on the street.
34 CHAPTER 2
the problem of transferring these skills to the class- Feminists have long lamented the accepted
room has not been solved (Cole, 1971). Our cur- traditional attitude of ignoring the emotional de-
rent theories of intellectual development fail to velopment of males. But Goleman reports on a
make room for people of color to look any way but global slide in emotional competence so great that
deficient and pathological. it seems to be the universal price of modern life for
Black children are exposed to a high degree of all children.

stimulation from expressive performers of music According to Goleman, emotional incompe-
and the visual arts, which permeate the Black com- tence and disconnection lead to:
munity. Their cultural style is organized in a circu-
lar fashion, in contrast to the linear organization of

• prejudice and self involvement (lack of caring
Western culture (Hale-Benson. 1986). They are for others personally and socially),
proficient in nonverbal communication and use

• aggression and criminal behavior (lack of em-
considerable body language and interaction in pathy and poor self-control),
communication. By contrast, white children in the

• depression and poor academic performance
United States are bom into a world where their

(see above), and
style of communication is everywhere given prior-

• addictions (attempts to calm and soothe one-
self).
ity: linear language, minimal body language, a
preference for written over verbal expression, and
Goleman suggests a remedy for our current
a tendency to view the world in discrete segments
rampant worldwide tendencies toward depression
rather than holistically.
and crime: Help families and schools to realize that
Daniel Goleman (1997) has laid out clearly
a child's development and education must include
the extreme importance of understanding and sup-
"the essential human competencies such as self-
porting the development of emotional intelligence.
awareness, self-control, empathy, and the arts of
The medical value of emotional connectedness is
listening, resolving conflicts, and cooperation." To
made clear by the fact that all studies show that iso-
change our world, we must focus on childhood and
lation is as significant a risk to health and mortality
adolescence, the critical windows of opportunity
as are smoking, high blood pressure, high choles-
for setting down the essential emotional habits that
terol, obesity, and lack of exercise. Empathy, the
will govern our lives. Later remedial learning or
earliest emotion, is the root of all caring about oth-
unlearning in adulthood such as therapy is possi-
ers: intimacy, ethics, altruism, and morality itself.
ble, but lengthy and hard (Goleman, 1997).
All of the skills that are essential for good
academic performance are related to emotional com-
petence: curiosity, confidence, intentionality, self- THE CONNECTED SELF
control, relatedness. cooperativeness. and commu- The connected self is grounded in recognition of
nication skills. School success is not predicted by a the interdependence of people and assumes this as a
child's fund of facts or a precocious ability to read,
critical dimension of healthy psychological devel-
but rather by emotional and social measures: being opment. Skills in human interdependence leading
self-assured and interested; knowing what kind of to maturity include the ability to do the following:
behavior is expected and being able to rein in the
impulse to misbehave; being able to wait, follow • Participate in cooperative activities of many
directions, and ask the teacher for help; being able kinds at home, at work, and at play.
to express one's own needs in relationships with • Express a full range of emotions and tolerate
other children. Almost all children who do poorly such emotions in others.
in school lack one or more of these elements of • Express one's differences of belief or opinion
emotional intelligence, regardless of other cogni- to others without attacking them or becoming
tive abilities or disabilities (Goleman, 1997). defensive.
SELF IN CONTEXT 35
• Relate with openness, curiosity, tolerance, our emotions and civility to our streets and caring
and respect to people who are different from to our communal life?" (p. xiv).
oneself. The blind spot in Bowen's (1978) theory as

• Nurture, care for, and mentor others. we see it is that it does not account for the fact that
• Accept the help and mentoring of others. women and people of color have grown up with
an oppressive socialization that actually proscribes
Bowen's 1978) concept of differentiation de-
( the assertive, self-directed thinking and behavior
scribes a state of self-knowledge and self-defini- that are necessary for differentiation. Lack of ac-
tion that does not rely on others* acceptance for knowledgment of this prohibition promotes dis-
one's beliefs but encourages one to be connected to parities among groups within our society by not
others w ithout the need to defend oneself or attack acknowledging that they are not starting on an
the other. Ironically, although Bowen's is the only even playing field. Girls in this society are ex-
early family therapy theory that gives equal weight pected to put the needs of others before their own.
to autonomy and emotional connectedness as char- People of color are expected to defer to dominant
acteristics necessary for the differentiation of adult beliefs and behaviors. Thus, a white male who tries
maturity, he is widely misunderstood in the field. to differentiate will generally be responded to with
Bowen's term "differentiation," which he equated respect, while a woman or person of color may be
with "maturity," is commonly misused and mis- sanctioned or even harmed or ostracized by the
quoted as though it meant autonomy only, sepa- community. Thus our assessment of a person's de-
rateness, or disconnectedness. And because Bowen velopment needs to address obstacles to their ac-
emphasized the necessity of distinguishing between complishing the tasks leading to maturity.
thinking and feeling, some feminists have criti-
cized him for elevating "male" attributes of ration-

COUNTERING UNEQUAL GENDER, CLASS,
ality over "female" relationality. Actually. Bowen
CULTURAL, AND RACIAL SOCIALIZATION
was addressing the need to train one's mind to con-
trol emotional reactivity so that, unlike animals. In our clinical work, we celebrate the diversity of
we can control our behavior and think about how our clients' backgrounds. To counter our society's
we want to respond, rather than be at the mercy of privileging of certain skills for only certain chil-
our fears, phobias, compulsions, instincts, and sex- dren, we can challenge families on their distribu-
ual and aggressive impulses. This is not at all a tion of chores, and their role expectations. But we
criticism of authentic and appropriate emotional need to do more.
expressiveness, which is part of the primary goal Canino and Spurlock (1994) have defined
of Bowen therapy: to ground oneself emotionally some of the basic information on a family's social
and to learn to connect emotionally by developing style and expectations that are crucial to assess-
a personal relationship with every member of one's ment and intervention, not just with culturally di-
family as the blueprint for all subsequent emo- verse children, but with all children:
tional connections.
Goleman 1997) discusses this same process

( • Is the family isolated or active in their com-
of mind over emotional reactivity, attributing to munity?
Aristode the original challenge to manage the emo- • Does their culture expect frequent and intense
tional life with intelligence: "Anyone can become social interactions in an extended network or
angry. That is easy. But to become angry with the does it respect privacy and a nuclear family
right person, to the right degree, at the right time, orientation?
for the right purpose — this is not easy" (Aristotle, • Is the family living in a socially and culturally
The Nichomachean Ethics) (p. ix). The question is. homogeneous community or in a heteroge-
Goleman says. "How can we bring intelligence to neous setting?
36 CHAPTER 2
• Is the community viewed as safe? A suggestive schema for exploring normative

• Who are the models or teachers of socializa- individual life cycle tasks is offered in Table 2.1.
tion skills in the family'.' There are serious limitations to any attempt to
• Do the skills taught at home converge with condense the complications of life in a schema-
or differ from those required at school, in the tic framework. The phases of human development
park, or on the playing field? have been defined in many ways in different cul-
tures and at different points in history. This outline

As they rightly point out. the diagnostic chal-
is a rough and suggestive guideline, not a state-
lenge is to "make a clinical judgment as to whether
ment of the true and fixed stages of life. People
a behavioral or emotional attribute is a culturally
vary greatly in their pathways through life. It is al-
syntonic way of manifesting distress, a behavior
ways important to consider the cohort to which
adopted to survive a particular sociocultural mi-
family members belong, that is. the period in his-
lieu, or a universal symptom of psychiatric disorder.
tory when they grew up (Cohler. Hosteler, &
These judgments can be sound only if clinicians
Boxer. 1998; Elder, 1992; Neugarten, 1979): as it
are knowledgeable about the culture of their pa-
influences their world view and their beliefs about
tients" (Canino & Spurlock. 1994. p. 86).
life cycle transitions and may be an important fac-
Many guidelines and programs have been
tor in intergenerational conflicts. Furthermore.
shown to be effective in developing children's emo-
accomplishing the individual tasks of a stage de-
tional competence in schools and other programs
pends on resources available to individuals and
(Goleman. 1997). We should do all that we can as
families to help them to develop their abilities.
mental health practitioners to support the estab-
The first stage of life might be thought of as
lishment of such programs in the clinics and
covering a baby's first two years of life. During
schools of our communities. The most crucial fac-
this time, babies need to learn to communicate
tor in teaching emotional competence is timing
their needs and have some sense of trust, comfort,
(Goleman. 1997). with infancy as the beginning
and relationship to their caretakers and the world
point and childhood and adolescence the crucial
around them. Their needs have to be satisfied con-
windows of opportunity.
sistently so that they can develop trust in others
and a sense of security. They learn to coordinate

THE INDIVIDUAL LIFE CYCLE IN CONTEXT
their bodies and begin to explore the world. It is
Evaluating problems in terms of both the individual during this stage that empathy, the earliest emo-
life cycle and the family life cycle is an important tion, begins to develop. From earliest infancy, ba-
part of any assessment. Human development in- bies are upset when they hear another infant cry
volves the accomplishment of certain physical, in- (Goleman, 1997).
tellectual, social, spiritual, and emotional life cycle The second stage, the child's preschool years
tasks. Each person"s individual life cycle intersects from age 2 to 6. is a time of great strides in lan-
with the family life cycle at every point, causing at guage and motor skills and ability to relate to the
times conflicts of needs. A toddler's developmental world around. Children learn to take direction,
needs may conflict with a grandmother's life plans. cooperate, share, trust, explore, and be aware of
When individual family members do not fit into themselves as different from others. As early as age
normative expectations for development, there are 2 /2. children recognize that someone else's pain
1
is
repercussions on family development. A family's different from their own and are able to comfort
adaptation to its tasks will likewise influence how others. How discipline is handled at this phase in-
individuals negotiate their individual development. fluences the development of emotional compe-
And the cultural, socioeconomic, racial, and gender tence, for example. "Look how sad you've made
context of the family will influence all of these de- her" versus "That was naughty" (Goleman, 1997).
velopmental transitions. It is at this phase that children begin to form peer
SELF IN CONTEXT 37
TABLE 2.1 The Individual Life Cycle in Context
1 . Infancy (Approximately Birth to Age 2)- -The Development of Empathy and Emotional Attunement
to Others
"Our brains are wired in a wa.) that allows emotional learning throughout the lifespan, as long as our
caretakers are reasonably well attuned to our emotions and capable of mirroring them back to us in the first
18 months of life. " (Borysenko, 1996, p. 19)
Communicate frustration and happiness Sit, stand, walk, run, manipulate objects, feed self
Develop beginning of empathy for others Recognize self as separate person
Talk Trust others, primarily caretakers
Make needs known and get them met Overcome fears of new situations
Develop coordination
Early Childhood (Approximate Ages 2 to 6) —A Growing Understanding of Interdependence

"The bio-psycho-spiritual basis of the life cycle is wired firmly into place by the end of early childhood,
. . .
conferring the gifts of empathy, relationalitv, interdependent perception and intuition. " (Borysenko, 1996,
p. 35)
Develop language and ability to relate and communicate Start to become aware of self in relation to world around
Learn to regulate and control emotions and impulses Learn cooperative play, ability to share
Develop motor skills, eye-hand coordination, etc. Learn to obey rules
Develop control of bodily functions bowels, urine — Learn to delay gratification
Start to become aware of self in terms of gender and Increase ability to develop trusting relationships
abilities develop peer relationships
Start to
Start to become aware of "otherness" in terms of gender, Develop ability to dramatize and engage in fantasy play to
race, and disability master own behavior and control anxieties
3. Middle Childhood (Approximate Ages 6 to 11 or 12)- -Moral Development: Including "Heart Logic'
along with "Mind Logic"
"Developing the capacity to use linear logic while retaining the inter-relational, interdependent perceptual
developed in early childhood. " (Borysenko, 1 996, p. 38)
capability
Increaseskill with language Increase understanding of self in relation to family, peers,

Begin development of morality and community
Increase capacity for empathy Develop intuition
Increase physical coordination and motor Increase awareness of "otherness" in terms of gender,
skills race, sexual orientation, culture, class, and disability
Develop ability to play team games Increase ability to conduct peer relationships
Learn reading, writing, and math Increase ability to conduct relationships with authorities
Develop knowledge about nature Develop ability to be intimate and to express anger, fear
Increase understanding of self in terms of gender, and pain in nondestructive ways
race, culture, and abilities Develop tolerance for difference
4. Pubescence (Approximate Ages 11-13 for Girls; 12-14 for Boys)— Finding One's Own Voice: The
Beginning Development of Authenticity
"The ability to see relationships with clarity, the uncanny tendency to recognize instances of relational
injustice and cry foul, and the development of the morality of the heart. " (Borysenko, 1996, p. 59)
Cope with dramatic bodily changes of puberty Increase ability to read, write, and think conceptually
Ability to assert oneself and mathematically
Increase development of emotional competence Increase understanding of self in terms of gender, race,
Develop awareness of own and others' sexuality- culture, sexual orientation, and abilities
Begin to learn control of one's sexual and aggressive Increase understanding of self in relation to peers, family,
impulses and community
Recognize injustices Increase ability to handle social relationships and
Increase capacity for moral understanding complex social situations
Increase physical coordination and physical skills Increase ability to work collaboratively and individually
(Continued)
"
38 CHAPTER 2
TABLE 2.1 Continued
5. Adolescence (Approximate Ages: 13 or 14 to 21) —

Looking for an Identity: Continuing to Voice
Authentic Opinions and Feelings in the Context of Societal, Parental, and Peer Pressure to Conform to Age,
Gender, and Racial Stereotypes; Learning to Balance Caring about Self and Caring about Others
"By this time, we can think our own thoughts, we have opinions that are separable from other people's, we
can group concepts and calculate probabilitJes and we can stand back and reflect on ourselves.
(Borysenko, 1996, p. 75)
Continue to deal with rapid bodily changes and cultural Increase discipline for physical and intellectual work,
ideals ofbody image sleep, sex, and social relationships
Increase awareness and ability to deal with one's own and Increase understanding of self in relation to peers, family,
others' sexuality and community

Increase emotional competence and self management Begin to develop a philosophy of life and a moral and
Learn to handle of one's sexual and aggressive impulses spiritual identity
Develop one's sexual identity Begin to develop ability to handle intimate physical and
Increase physical coordination and physical skills social relationships as well as increase ability to judge and
Increase abilitv to think conceptually and mathematically handle complex social situations
and learn about the world Increase ability to work collaboratively and individually
6. Early —
Adulthood (Approximate Ages: 21 to 35) Development of the Ability to Engage in Intense
RelationshipsCommitted to Mutual Growth and in Satisfying Work: A Commitment to Parity for Care of the
Family and the Importance of Career
"The development of a core self, development of

a strong, yet pliable identity in which the previous
reladonality, intuition and the logic of the heart are combined conscious way, bestows life's most
in a
precious gift— the ability to relate to both self and others with true intimacy. " (Borysenko, 1996, p. 76)
Increase ability to care for self and one's own needs, Develop ability to nurture others physically and
financially, emotionally, and spiritually emotionally
Increase awareness and ability to deal with one's own and Develop ability to support one's children financially and
others' sexuality emotionally
Increase discipline for physical and intellectual work, Increase tolerance for delayed gratification to meet one's
sleep, sex, and social relationships goals
Learn to focus on long-range life goals regarding work, Evolve further one's ability to respect and advocate for
intimate relationships, family, and community those less fortunate than oneself
Develop ability to negotiate evolving relationships to Evolve ability to help oneself if socially disadvantaged
one's parents, peers, children, and community, including
work relationships
7. Middle Adulthood (Approximate Ages: 35 to 50 or 55) — Emergence into Authentic Power. Becoming
More Aware of the Problems of Others
"Along with balancing many life tasks, there is a review of one's priorities, a striving towards balance and
harmony with self and others while resisting pressure to pursue traditional gender patterns. There is greater
community involvement and participation in social and political action. " (Borysenko 996, pp. 135, 181 1 >
• Firm up and make solid all of the tasks of early • Involve oneself in improving community and society
adulthood whether one is personally advantaged or disadvantaged
• Nurture and support one's children and partner, including • Recognize one's accomplishments and accept one's
caretaking of older family members limitations
• Deepen and solidify friendships • Accept the choices that made some dreams and goals
• Reassess one's work satisfaction and financial adequacy attainable but precluded others
and consider possibility of changing work or career to • Focus on mentoring the next generation
achieve greater life balance • Solidify one's philosophy of life and spirituality
8. Late Middle Age (Approximate Ages: 50 or 55 to early 70s)- -Beginning of the Wisdom Years: Reclaiming
the Wisdom of Interdependence
"An intensification of the altruism and service begun in the previous phase. Helping others, serving the
community and mentoring: passing along our values and experience. There is a need to resist our . .
culture's dismissal of older people, especially older women The pendulum swings away from the active
. . .
and productive principles back to the spiritual principles that value nature as well as technology, that honor
cultural diversity, that foster caring for the less fortunate and that seek physical, emotional and spiritual
harmony." (Borysenko, 1996, pp. 202, 219)
" —
SELF IN CONTEXT 39
TABLE 2.1 Continued
Handle some declining physical and intellectual Define one's own grandparenting and other "senior" roles
abilities in work and community
Deal u ith menopause, decreasing sexual energies, and Take steps to pass the torch and attend to one's
one's changing sexuality connections and responsibilities to the next generations
Come and choices with
to terms with one's failures Accept one's limitations and multiple caretaking
accountability but withoutbecoming bitter responsibilities for those above and below
Plan and handle work transitions and retirement Deal with death of parents and others of older generations
9. Aging (Approximate Ages: from 75 on) — Grief, Loss, Resiliency, Retrospection, and Growth
"This is a time to reflect on and review one's life with appreciation of its successes and compassion for its
failings, and with an effort to extract new levels of meaning that had previously been unappreciated.
(Borysenko, 1996, p. 243)
Respond to loss and change by using these as Bring careful reflection, perspective, and balance to the
opportunities to reevaluate life circumstances and create task of life review
new fulfilling pathways Accept dependence on others and diminished control of
Remain as physically, psychologically, intellectually, and one's life
spiritually active and as emotionally connected as Affirm and work out one's financial, spiritual, and
possible emotional legacy to the next generation
Come to terms with death while focusing on what else one Accept death of spouse and need to create a new life
can still do for oneself and others Accept one's own life and death
relationships. They also develop various cognitive their families. Children begin to understand their
skills with numbers, words, and objects and motor identity in terms of gender, race, culture, and sex-
skills in relation to the world around. ual orientation and to differentiate themselves from
During this phase, children learn where, how, others. They improve in their ability to follow di-
and when to show aggression (Comer & Poussaint. rections, tolerate frustration, work independently,
1992). They need to be taught control of their an- and cooperate with others. If deprived of support
ger, aggression, distress, impulses, and excitement for these developments, the child may develop
and to regulate their moods and delay gratification. either physical, emotional or social symptoms
This self-management, along with the continued fears, anxieties, phobias, stomachaches or head-
development of empathy, is the basis of relation- aches, aggressive or withdrawn behaviors.
ship skill (Goleman. 1997). By age 3, children be- Between ages 6 and 8, children develop a
come actively interested in defining how they are great passion to belong. They exclude others so
like or different from others, including skin color that they can feel "in." Children of color must be
and hair texture (Comer & Poussaint, 1992: Ma- taught at this age to handle racist acts in ways
thias & French, 1996). They can start to share and that are not self-destructive (Comer & Poussaint,
be fair rather than to exclude others; they take their 1992), while children of privilege must be taught
cues from the adults around them for how to treat not to commit racist acts and to be proactive in re-
others. lationship to others who are experiencing oppres-
The third developmental phase might be said sion. At this phase, children learn competitiveness
to cover the elementary school years of childhood, by comparing themselves to others and coopera-
from about age 6 to 12. During this time, children tion to the degree their parents, caretakers, or
typically make many developmental leaps in their teachers teach them. Otherwise, competitiveness
cognitive, motor, and emotional skills. They ex- remains a problem. By age 7 or 8, dreams and
pand their social world in terms of their ability to make-believe (e.g., Santa Claus) are no longer
communicate and to handle relationships with an considered real. At this stage, children should
increasing range of adults and children beyond learn the truth about slavery, colonialism, war. and
40 CHAPTER 2
the like, which can be done through the stories we when children produce creative works of art, danc-
tell them about our holidays such as Thanksgiving ing, and singing. Parental responses will encourage
and Fourth of July. Children start to read and watch or discourage the development of creativity.
television independently and should be monitored Boys especially may have difficulty talking
by parents, especially for exposure to racial and about subjects like race, sex, anger, and conflict
gender content, which can have a profound influ- and need adult encouragement to foster skill in this
ence on them. Children at this phase are deeply (Comer & Poussaint, 1992). Children begin to de-
affected by parental and school definitions of "nor- velop respect for the rights and needs of self and
mal." They learn to imitate racial, gender, and others. They tattle on wrong-doers, and discussion
other discriminatory words and actions. about rule-breaking and commitments to rules and
Sex segregation increases greatly, influenced fairness is very important at this stage (Comer &
by the fact that boys' behavior, unless checked, Poussaint, 1992). How children learn life's "rules"
becomes characterized by competition, demands, will form the foundation of their morals. If they are
and dominance. Girls have such difficulty having continuously put down, they will lose faith in oth-
influence in play with boys that they avoid them ers; if they are not admonished for selfish or unfair
(Maccoby, 1990). Boys tend to play more roughly acts, they will grow up with a false sense of privi-
in larger groups, and girls to form close friendships lege. Boys especially can be physically aggressive
with one or two other girls. Goleman (1997) re- and need to be taught fairness and to have plenty of
ports studies in which 50 percent of 3-year-olds, 20 outlets for their physical energy. Games and hob-
percent of the 5-year-olds, and virtually no 7-year- bies can mitigate social conflicts. By age 9 to 12,
olds, have friends of the opposite sex. children spend a lot of time discussing, arguing,
At this time, children become chums and seg- and changing the rules of games. As the inde-
regate themselves by gender and often by race, dis- pendence-dependence struggle intensifies, it is im-
covering that skin color is a code denoting rank portant to teach children to do chores and meet
and even fate (Comer & Poussaint, 1992; Ogbu, responsibilities for their own sake, not because
1981 ; Ogbu & Maureen, 1994). Girls become adept they are told, and thus to encourage them to begin
at reading verbal and nonverbal emotional signals to establish their own standards. Doing chores
and at expressing and communicating their feel- teaches them that their contribution to the family is
ings. Boys minimize the emotions connected to valuable. They may talk in a mature way, but they
vulnerability, guilt, fear, and hurt (Goleman, 1997). are still fearful and insecure. Family rituals and
Without specific intervention, these differences will celebrations are important to children at this age,
persist into adulthood. Boys especially, in their ef- who start learning how to plan and organize events
forts to establish their own sexual identity, may if their parents do this well. It is very important
focus on their dislike of girls; they need adult vali- whether children get the message "I can" or "I
dation of the other gender's interests and feelings can't" from their school experiences.
to avoid establishing a gender role split. Friendship By age 9 to 12 parental support is essential for
and conversation with friends becomes very im- helping children cope with peer pressure. It is at
portant for the development of language and social this age that children become able to distinguish
skills. their own values and attitudes from those of the
At this phase also, children have a better mem- peer group (Matthias & French, 1996). This is the
ory, a longer attention span, and can understand last stage for parents to affirm their support of their
more complex explanations and ask constant ques- children's competence and abilities before teen
tions. Parents' responses are very important. It is struggles for independence begin. It is also the last
important that they should not pretend to know ev- chance for parents to strongly influence a child's
erything, but teach the child how to look up infor- choice of peers and to widen the child's social cir-
mation (Comer & Poussaint, 1992). It is also a time cle by encouraging diversity (Matthias & French,
9
SELF IN CONTEXT 41
1946). They may be preoccupied with prepubcrty of others who don't look or act like them, and they
bodily changes and be extremely sensitive to un- identify with a preferred group of friends who
kind remarks from others. They are not always agree on dress, music, and even language. They
cooperative or obedient and may not want to be now view morality and rules as imposed by par-
affiliated with others who are "'different. *' It is a ents, not society, and experiment with new rules,
very important age for children to see parents ac- valuing peers' values more than those of parents
ti\ ely handling and dealing w ah social problems in (Matthias & French. 1996). To prepare white chil-
constructive ways. It is at this stage that children dren for a multicultural world, it is important to
become able to differentiate between what is ex- choose a middle school with diversity in mind.
pected of them at home and outside of home. By Young teens do not turn to parents with problems.
age 9 to 12. children 's identification with the causes, even major ones. Parents have to persevere and not
problems, aspirations, and privileges of groups they ask yes-no questions: they can speak of their own
belong to provides direction, limitations, and mo- worries at that age rather than questioning. At this
tivation to think and act in certain ways. At the phase, children benefit from diversity training and
same time, the most advanced level of empathy group experiences that encourage the expression
emerges, and children are able to understand dis- of thoughts and feelings and from volunteering for
tress beyond an immediate situation and to feel for community service. Children at this age are ideal-
the plight of an entire group, such as the poor, op- istic and respond to calls for help.
pressed, or outcast (Goleman. L997). For some reason, during certain phases in de-
Children may plaj adults off against each velopment, including preschool and adolescence.
other to get what they want because they do not yet children seem to hold rigidly to sex-role stereo-
know how them know they
to confront adults to let ty pes. ev en more so than their parents or teachers.
feel neglected or ignored (Comer & Poussaint. It is important not to encourage this stereotyping
1992). The quality of a child's relationships with but instead to encourage girls to develop their own
adults is more important than the gender of the opinions, values, aspirations, and interests. It is in
adults, for both male and female children. Children keeping with social norms that during the adoles-
between ages 9 and 12 are aware of unfairness and cent years girls often confuse identity with inti-
hy pocrisy of adults and officials. It is important for macy by defining themselves through relationships
adults to helpthem understand adult failings and with others. Advertising and adult attitudes toward
model doing something about it so that they don't girls, which define their development in terms of
feel powerless and cynical. Abused or neglected their ability to attract a male, are bound to be det-
children may become aggressive, picking fights. rimental to girls' mental health, leaving them lack-
Children who are shy need encouragement from ing in self-esteem; fearing to appear smart, tall.
adults to participate. Children are very sensitive to assertive, or competent: and worrying about losing
racial attitudes at this period and may hide behind their chances of finding an intimate relationship
race or other "differences" to excuse poor perfor- with a male. It is important to raise questions about
mance, so adults should be careful not to permit such norms, since they put the girl into an impos-
children's outrage to act as an excuse for nonper- sible bind: You are healthy only if you define y our
formance. Self-esteem is precarious at this age 1 identity not through your self but through your
to 12). and pride in race is crucial to self-esteem mate.
(Comer & Poussaint. 1992). The fifth phase, adolescence, goes from about
We might consider the fourth developmental age 13 for girls and about age 14 or 15 for boys and
stage to be pubescence, from about age 1 1 to 13 for continues until about age 21. Erikson (1968) de-
girls and age 12 to 14 or 15 for boys. At this time, scribed the development of adolescent girls as fun-
children are normally ambivalent, rebellious, bored, damentally different from that of boys, in that girls
uninterested, or difficult. They are highly critical supposedly hold their identity in abeyance as they
42 CHAPTER 2
prepare to attractmen by whose name they will be not succeeding tend to form gangs and involve
known and by whose status they will be defined. themselves in fighting, aggression, and violence.
But after the challenges of the women's movement Adolescents who date exclusively outside of their
in the 1970s, Gilligan in her landmark study of own race probably have identity problems or are
preadolescent and early adolescent girls (Gilligan, trying to provoke their parents.
1982; Pipher 1994) attributed the girls' loss of Adolescents are actively searching for an iden-
voice and low self-esteem to their fear of appearing tity. Sexual, religious, and racial issues that seemed
too smart, assertive, or competent to attract a male. settled are reevaluated and subject to new under-
This sexist requirement is now seen as cultural, not standing and revision. Similarities and differences,
inherent in girls' development. During this phase, even within groups, cause the formation of in-
young people go through major bodily, emotional, groups and out-groups and for and against attitudes.
sexual, and spiritual changes; evolve their sexual The community climate regarding race and religion
and gender identities; learn to relate to intimate is important. Minority-majority ratios in school
partners; and develop the ability to function in- have great influence on the social atmosphere.
creasingly independently. They renegotiate their In adolescence, children begin to look beyond
identity with their parents as they mature; refine their own needs. They identify with community
their physical, social, and intellectual skills; de- ideas and idealistic causes as a way to establish
velop their spiritual and moral identity; and begin their own identity. This is an excellent age to in-
to define who they want to become as adults. Fam- volve them in community service programs, espe-
ilies of color will have special tasks to help their cially those catering to young children, or national
children negotiate the burdens and pressures of organizations dedicated to helping their particular
dealing with a racist world without becoming bit- group socially and politically (Matthias & French,
ter, hopeless, or cynical. Adolescents react to so- 1996). Their sense of empathy buttresses their
cial hostility and are attracted to causes. Black moral conviction, which centers on wanting to al-
adolescents may succumb to despair and give up leviate misfortune and injustice (Goleman, 1997).
hope of a productive future. Minority adolescents To promote a sense of power and participation in
have identity problems if they are completely seg- society, 18-year-olds should be encouraged to
regated from Whites or if they live in mostly White vote.

communities. Middle- and upper-class Black ad- Older teens finally understand morals and val-
olescents have identity problems because Black ues not as impositions but as necessary for order
poverty is both romanticized and vilified. They and fairness. The media depict teens as selfish,
need to be helped to be Black without being self- aimless, and immoral, a picture that can become a
defeating or consumed by antagonism toward self-fulfilling prophecy. In a disorderly and unfair
Whites and White-controlled America (Comer & society, they can stumble into drugs, alcohol, eat-
Poussaint, 1992). ing disorders, sexually transmitted diseases, and

Sexual issues and information should be dis- pregnancy. Parents must try to have their influence
cussed with adolescents at home and at school, felt to counteract that of the peer group and the
building on earlier sex education. Powerful attrac- larger society —an uphill struggle (Matthias &
tion to members of the opposite sex does not mean French, 1996). Teens are aware of social hypoc-
that gender segregation disappears. Young people risy. To remain credible to teens, parents must
continue to spend a good portion of their social reveal their own uncertainties, beware of double
time with same-sex partners (Maccoby, 1990). messages delivered nonverbally, speak clearly
However, the higher rates of depression in females from the heart, and keep the door open for discus-
may have their onset during adolescence, because sions (Matthias & French, 1996).
of the difficulties of cross-sex interaction (Powl- Adolescents who display homosexual inter-
ishta, 1987; Maccoby, 1990). Adolescents who are ests should be directed to see a counselor if. and
SELF IN CONTEXT 43
only if. they are upset by this. This is a normal sex- As for specific problems due to gender, there
ual identity for perhaps 10 percent of males and 5 is evidence that women feel at a disadvantage in
percent of females, for complex biological and en- mixed-sex interaction. Men are less influenced by
vironmental factors that are not yet understood. the opinions of others in a group than are women
Family acceptance is very important. and have more influence on group process than
We might think of the sixth phase of develop- women do. Women are more likely to withdraw or
ment as covering the decades of young adulthood take unilateral action to get their way in a dispute,
(from about age 21 to the mid-thirties). Of course, a pattern that appears to reflect their greater diffi-
there are great differences in the pathways at this culty in influencing a male partner through direct
phase, depending on a person's race, gender, class. negotiation (Maccoby. 1990). Women tend to enter
and sexual orientation. But in general, it is the into deeper levels of reciprocity with their children
phase of generativity in terms of partnering, work, thanmen do (Maccoby & Jacklin. 1974) and to
and raising children. It is a time when adults are communicate with them better. In this phase of
expected to function without the physical or finan- adulthood, extensive gender segregation continues
cial support of their parents, a time when they be- in workplaces (Reskin. 1984) and in some social-
gin not only to care for themselves but also to take class and ethnic groups, in which leisure time is
on responsibilities for the care of others, establish- still spent largely with others of the same sex even
ing themselves in work, partnering, and parenting. after marriage (Maccoby. 1990).
There are major developmental problems in this The seventh stage of the life cycle, which
phase for several groups, however, because of so- might be thought of as middle adulthood, lasts
cial factors. from about age 35 to 50 or 55. It is a time when,

By age 30, one out of every tour Black males, generally speaking, adults are still in good health,
if not already dead, is on probation, on parole, or in and their children are teenagers or being launched
prison (Roberts, 1994). Many of those who are into adulthood. This is the last opportunity for ac-
able and ready to work find themselves increas- tive, hands-on parenting. In addition to the usual
ingly shut out of meaningful jobs because they power struggles with teenagers pushing toward
lack the necessary education, technical skills, or launching, it is a time to shift parental gears and
training. This obviously impedes their potential for start treating adolescents more like the young
marriage (see Chapter 19). This lack of stable adults they will soon be, emphasizing the wish to
wage earning for young Black men creates a prob- trust rather than constricting or punishing them.
lem for young women in this phase, who find a se- This is the last chance to help children develop
verely diminished pool of marital prospects. Taken emotional competence (Goleman. 1997). It is a
together, the massive obstacles of racism and pov- time for parents —unmarried, married, divorced, or
erty 7
impede the forward development of young remarried — to realize the grave dangers and temp-
adults of color at this phase and may derail poten- tations facing today's adolescents and to resolve
tially productive people into the underclass, from their own differences with partners or other adult
which escape becomes harder as the life cycle family members enough to be able to guide their
continues. adolescents as a team, united in concern and ad-
Gay and lesbian young adults also have diffi- vice for them.
culties at this stage because of the stigma attached This is a time when people often do a philo-
to their partnering and parenting, as well as the fre- sophical reexamination of their lives, or even
quent necessity to keep their true lives secret at several reexaminations, and may need to reinvent
work. These struggles, created by the social sys- themselves in their work and community to fit
tem, with what should be normal developmental changing circumstances. There is often caretaking
tasks have implications for smooth emotional de- responsibility for older or ailing relatives, as w ell
velopment and well-being. as for their children.
44 CHAPTER 2
The eighth stage of the life cycle (from about death of a spouse, one of life's heaviest blows, will
age 50 or 55 to the early seventies) might be con- occur during this who are still mar-
phase for those
sidered late middle age blending into early aging, a ried. This produces many mixed emotions, from
time when adults are beginning to retire, take up relief, if the death was preceded by a lengthy pe-
new interests, and still, in our times, feel in good riod of caretaking, to guilt — for surviving and feel-
health and have the energy for major undertakings. ing relieved — to devastation, if the marriage was a
During this phase, they are freed from immediate long one, especially if the partners were insuffi-
child-rearing or financial responsibilities, though ciently independent in emotional or other func-

they are often helping the next generation, their tioning. The surviving spouse then has the task,
grandchildren, and mentoring those who will fol- one last time,of creating a new vision of life.
low them in the work world. Especially today, in This is a time of life when spiritual resources
our economically changing world, young adults are important to keep from being depressed and to
more frequently need extra support from parents, tolerate one's growing dependence on others while
and increasingly, families have to accommodate to continuing to maximize one's abilities.
changing family constellations. Women go through,

or have already gone through, menopause, which
THE "SLINGS AND ARROWS"
often frees them up to concentrate their energies on
AS INDIVIDUAL, FAMILY,
new projects. They have been freed up from major
AND COMMUNITY INTERSECT
caretaking and decided that it is their turn. It is a
time when people coming to terms with the fact
are The special and unpredictable individual life cycle
that they couldn't do it all. They have to let go of problems of members of a family affect other
certain dreams, recognizing their limitations so family members at both an individual and family
that they can concentrate on what they can do. Men level. These issues, of course, also have extended
often "mellow" at this phase as they become less family implications. Siblings, aunts, and uncles
focused on work and more involved in family rela- are also affected by the problems, having to decide
tionships and domestic life. how much each of them can or should do to help
People have to be concerned about husband- out. The problems also have community ramifica-
ing their financial resources and preparing for fu- tions. A person's disabilities require various com-
ture health care needs. It is a time to work out munity resources throughout the school age and
increasing supports and find ways to manage de- adult years. The availability and access to commu-
creasing physical strength and endurance. It is also nity resources to help a person with an alcohol
a time of facing the death of parents and losses of problem or a stroke and to help the rest of the fam-
older friends and relatives. ily with the disabilities created by these problems
The ninth and last stage of life, aging and will have profound implications for the whole
death, covers roughly the ages from the middle family's negotiation of their individual and family
seventies to 100+ as people come to terms with life cycles.
their own mortality and that of their peer group. It
is a time for working out one's legacy, as well as

DEVELOPING AN AUTONOMOUS AND
any other personal business with one's descen-
EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED SELF
dants, to be prepared for death. An essential task is
the completion of a life review in which one as- We have quoted or paraphrased on our develop-
sesses the pluses and minuses of one's life and mental chart (Table 2.1) the relevant milestones
comes to a relatively positive acceptance. from Borysenko's (1996) book about the develop-
The longer one lives, the more losses one sus- ment of women as we think they might and should
tains: family members, colleagues and lifelong apply to the development of both females and males
friends, even some younger than oneself. The in a nonsexist, nonracist culture.
SELF IN CONTEXT 45
Many of us have struggled against the cultural threats, epithets, and punishments visited on par-
bestowing of power on whites and denigrating of ents who question the culture's definition of mas-
all others and the splitting of males and females culinity and try to raise sons with an enhanced
into half people, one half focused on achievement capacity to relate emotionally are swift and unfor-
and autonomy and the other on the emotional con- giving (Kimmel. 1996: Silverstein. 1994). Perhaps
nectedness of relationship. Thanks to the women's if we therapists expected the same development in
movement, females have received compensator)' autonomy for females and in the skill of emotional
help with this problem of imbalance in recent de- connectedness for males, we could help parents
cades with many parents supporting their daugh- find ways to defeat the destructive gender and ra-
ters' autonomy and the w ider culture accepting it cial stereotyping of our children. We owe it to our
up to a point. That point is usually reached in ado- children not to permit the current deterioration of
lescence, when dating begins, or when women relationship and of community life to continue.
mam' and have children and are then expected to What more important goal could we have for our
1
revert to an exclusive focus on relationship. But the turn to shape the future'
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sity Press.
—
Chapter 3
HISTORY, GENOGRAMS,
AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
FREUD IN CONTEXT
MONICA McGOLDRICK
USING GENOGRAMS TO TRACK while ignoring the realities of parents' lives, the
FAMILY HISTORY THROUGH role of siblings, and the importance of the ex-
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE tended family and historical events on our psyches.
Though his thinking was radical for his times
Genograms and family chronologies are useful tools
and encouraged a revolutionary attention to chil-
for assessing families in life cycle perspective
dren's experience of their parents, there was much
the spiral of family evolution as generations move
that his theories obscured from our view. Freud's
through time in their development from birth to
theories seem to have been shaped and limited by
death. It is like music, in which the meaning of in-
hisown personal family history, in which there
dividual notes depends on their rhythms in con-
was much that he wanted to ignore or forget (Gay.
junction with each other and with the memories of
1988, 1990; McGoldrick, 1995; Roazen, 1993;
past melodies and the anticipation of those yet to
Krull, 1986). He did his best to be sure that it
come. As graphic pictures of the family history
and patterns showing the basic structure, family
would be told the way he intended —with the sto-
ries he himself could not handle erased. Several
demographics, functioning, and relationships, gen-
times in his life, he destroyed personal and family
ograms are a shorthand for depicting family pat-
records, embarrassed, as so many are, by the
They can elucidate the family life
terns at a glance.
mental illness, criminal acts, and embarrassing or
cycle framework, which in turn can aid in interpre-
shameful behavior of various family members. He
tation of the genogram. Both the patterns that typ-
wrote about himself that he felt like the heir of "all
ically occur at various phases of the life cycle and
the passions of our ancestors when they defended
the issues to be predicted when life events are "off
their temple." He wrote to his fiancee in 1884:
schedule" are relevant to understanding family de-
velopmental process.
Using Sigmund Freud as an example, this One intention I have in fad almost finished carry-
chapter will illustrate the use of genograms to track ing out, an intention which a number of as yet un-
born and unfortunate people (my biographers ) will
family process through the life cycle. Freud's gen-
resent. ...I have destroyed all my notes of the past
ogram can help us to see him in context and put in
14 years as well as letters, scientific excerpts and
perspective the history he did not want us to tell.
the manuscripts of my papers. ...I couldn 't have
Many people would prefer to downplay family his- matured or died without worrying about who
tory. Sigmund Freud, who has probably influenced
would get hold of those old papers. As for the bi-
. . .
our thinking about human behavior more than any ographers, let them worry, we have no desire to
other individual, focused almost exclusively on the make it too easy for them. Each one of them will be
importance of childhood fantasies about parents right in his opinion of "The Development of the
47
48 CHAPTER 3
Hero, " and 1 am already looking forward to seeing "Goldene Sigi." he ignored her almost totally
them go astray. (Letter to Martha Bernays, April throughout his writings and in everyday life, apart
28, 1885, in Freud, 1960, pp. 140-141) from weekly duty visits to her. When she died at
age 95, he did not even attend her funeral, sending

Indeed, many of his followers have contributed to
instead as the "family representative" his dutiful
the cover-up of Freud's history. Many of the Freud
daughter Anna, who had by that time become his
documents (now kept in the Library of Congress)
loyal follower.
have been restricted until the middle of the twenty-
first century —some even until the twenty-second
history.
Unfortunately,
It lives
it is
on inside
not possible to destroy our
us, probably the more
century!
powerful for our attempts to bury it. We and our
Freud's views were, of course, limited by his
families are likely to pay a high price in the present
time and culture. Patriarchal ideas about women
for trying to block out the past. Attempts to cover
profoundly influenced him. He, in turn, perpetu-
up family history tend to cause problems to fester,
ated and contributed to inappropriate expectations
influencing people who are born long after the
for women through the theory he propounded,
original painful experiences and relationships.
which our society has for so long taken as psycho-
Freud's biographers have had to struggle to un-
logical truth. There is an overfocus in Freudian
cover the intriguing private mysteries he left be-
theory on mothers to meet one's needs and at the
hind; just as we have to search for underlying
same time a strong tendency to keep women's lives
patterns that make our own family histories so full
and experiences invisible. This reflected Freud's
of mystery. Often, we must choose indirect meth-
own family experience. As Lisa Appignanesi and
ods to piece the puzzle together.
John Forrester (1992) put it in their study of the
Recent research suggests that there were
women in Freud's life, "Throughout his life Freud
many secrets in the Freud family that he dared not
oscillated between recognizing his mother as the
talk about. It is interesting that so many of Freud's
alpha and omega of human existence and passing
biographers have gone along with his blind spot
over her in silence" (p. 1 1 ). Freud glorified the
about exploring the family. They might be com-
mother-son relationship as the most perfect and
pared to the children in a family who silently par-
unconditional love relationship of all. "The mother
ticipate in secrets by not asking questions and
is only brought unlimited satisfaction by her rela-
accepting the cover-up of their history that their
tionship to a son: this is the most perfect, the most
parents have constructed. One would assume, for
free from ambivalence of all human relationships"
example, that biographers of Freud would be inter-
(cited in Appignanesi & Forrester, 1992, p. 15). He
ested in his mother, who lived so long and had her
spent his childhood surrounded by an adoring
wits about her long after her son became famous
mother and five adoring younger sisters, with his
and slated for biographical interest. But in spite of
father in a much more remote position. He lived
Freud's own emphasis on mothers, almost no at-
out at home his theory of oedipal conflict, in which
tention has ever been paid to her role in their fam-
the son competes to win the mother from the fa-
ily. We know nothing of her early life and rela-
ther; and he had the sense that he had won out
tionships with her parents and siblings. Why not?
against his father. In later life, he had profound
Did Freud never ask her? And his followers, ac-
conflicts with virtually all his male peers, dissolv-
cepting his theories, did not pay attention to her ei-
ing each relationship with a cut-off after what he
ther. Freud's son, one of the few people ever to
generally viewed as the other man's betrayal. He
discuss her at all, described her first in relation to
ended his days as he began them, surrounded by
her cultural group, the Galician Jews:
devoted women. Though glorifying the mother-
son relationship in general, and though his own The Galician Jews were a peculiar race . . . absolutely
mother always treated him with reverence as her different from Jews who had lived in the west for
HISTORY. GENOGRAMS. AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 49
some generations. They ... lunl little grace and no together of two separate families, indicating where
manners: and their women were certainly not what each spouse is in his or her own family life cycle.
we should call "ladies. " They were highly emo- To start a new family, both partners must come to
tional and easily carried away by their feelings.
terms with their families of origin. The genogram
But. although in many respects they would seem to
gives clues to the roles and connectedness of the
he untamed barbarians to more civilized people,
spouses to their own families. When one spouse
they alone of all minorities, stood up against the
competes with the other's family or when parents
It was men ofAmelia's race who fought the
Nazis.
German army on the ruins of Warsaw.... These do not approve of their child's choice, in-law trian-
people are not easy and grandmother, a

to live with,
gles may begin at this phase. The genogram also
true representative of her race, was no exception. shows the previous relationships that may affect or
She had great vitality and much impatience; she interfere with current marital bonding. Unfortu-
had a hungerfor life and an indomitable spirit. No- nately, we know virtually nothing of the in-law re-
body envied Aunt Dolfi, whose destiny was to dedi- lationships of this generation of the Freud family.
cate her life to the care of an old mother who was a As can be seen on the genogram of the Freud
tornado. (Freud. 1983. p. 11)
family in 1855 (Figure 3.1 on page 50). the mar-
riage of Jacob Freud and Amalia Nathansohn had a
number of atypical aspects. Jacob, who was 40, was
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE OF FREUD'S
marrying for the third time. Amalia was just 20. In
PARENTS: THE JOINING OF FAMILIES
fact, she was even younger than Jacob's sons from
Since the life cycle is circular and repetitive, one his first marriage. Virtually nothing is known about
can start at any point to tell the story of a family. his first wife. Sally Kanner, or the two children from
With the Freud family, we might begin a few years that family who died; even less is known about Ja-
before the birth of Sigmund. at the time of his par- cob's second wife. Rebecca. We do not know what
ents' courtship. The suggestions made here about happened to either wife, whether the couple di-
the Freud family are. of course, speculative, since vorced or the wives died. The missing information
so much information is missing from the historical evokes curiosity and speculation about the mean-
record. They are meant only to illustrate the use of ing of his third wife to him. In addition. Jacob's
a family life cycle framework in evaluating family first marriage took place when he was only 16,
patterns on genograms. suggesting the possibility of an unexpected preg-
At the marriage or remarriage phase (see nancy (Anzieu. 1986). The second marriage is even
Chronology 3.1). the genogram shows the coming more mvsterious. Rebecca was never mentioned
Chronology 3.1
The Freud Family at Time of Jacob and Amalia's Marriage
1832 Jacob Freud, age 16, marries Sally Kanner. 1852 October-December) Rebecca dies (?).
i
1 833 (April) Jacob and Sally's first child, Emanuel, 1853 (December) Jacob hands over his business
is born. to son Emanuel.
1834 Jacob and Sally's second child, Philipp, is 1854 (or earlier) Emanuel marries Maria.
born. 1854 (or slightly earlier) Amalia's father loses his
1 852 Jacob's first Kanner is recorded as
wife, Sally fortune and is disgraced.
alive. Did they divorce? Did she die by end 1855 (July 29' Jacob and Amalia are married. Ja-
of year? cob is listed as widower since 1 852.
1852 Jacob's second marriage, to Rebecca. Two 1855 (August 13) Emanuel's first son (later Sig-
entries list Jacob's wife as Rebecca that year, mund's nephew) John is born.
aged 31 and 32 (Krull, 1986).
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50
by any family member, and we know of her exist- to more difficult transitions and complexities in
ence only from public records. She appears to have later life cycle stages. Thus, it is likely that with Ja-
married Jacob in 1852, Jacob's sons Emanuel and cob's previous marriages, his mysterious past, the
Philipp were grown and would obviously have discrepancies in their ages and expectations, as
known her. Surely Amalia would at least have well as their financial precariousness, Jacob and
known of her existence, as they all lived in the Amalia entered their marriage with many complex
same town; anyone ever did mention her to
yet if issues unresolved.
Freud, he never told anyone. One wonders why. It is also useful to examine the genogram for
Was there something about her of which the family predictable triangles and patterns at different life
was ashamed? In any case. Jacob and Amalia ob- cycle stages. There are two predictable tri-
at least
viously began their new family in the shadow of angles to search for in the genogram of a remarried
Jacob's earlier marriages. family: that involving the two new spouses and the
In examining a genogram. it is particularly previous spouse (or the memory of the previous
important to note the ages of family members as spouse) and that involving the two new spouses
they move through the life cycle. There is a norma- and the children of the previous marriage. We
tive timing for the transition to each of its phases. know nothing of Amalia's relationship with Ja-
These norms are ever-changing and have varied cob's previous wives. Nor do we know details of
across cultures and throughout history, but they her relationship with Emanuel and Philipp. We do
can serve as a starting point for understanding know that in Freud's fantasy, his mother and Phil-
more about life cycle transitions in a family. With ipp were lovers and that w ithin three years of the
any newly married couple, it is important to note marriage. Jacob helped to arrange for his sons to
the spouses' positions w ithin the life cycles of their emigrate to England, which he may have done
respective families. Jacob was already a grandfa- partly to have them at a safe distance from his wife.
ther, w hereas Amalia. 20 years younger and a peer
of his sons, was at the young adult phase. How did
THE TRANSITION TO PARENTHOOD AND
these two happen to marry? We know that such
FANnLIES WITH YOUNG CHILDREN
age differences were not the custom at this time
and place (Krull. 1986). We know also that Jacob A genogram of the early parent years often reveals
had no particular business prospects at that time stressors that make this phase particularly difficult
(Swales, 1986). although it has been suggested that for the parents. By providing a quick map of the
he may have misrepresented himself to her family. sibling constellation, the genogram may also re-
Otherwise, one wonders what led Amalia to agree veal the particular circumstances surrounding the
to marry a man so much older, with grown sons birth of a child and how those circumstances may
and two previous marriages. It seems that her fa- contribute to the child's having a special position
ther had recently lost his fortune and been dis- in that family. Finally, the genogram will show the
graced, which may explain the situation (Swales, typical mother-father-child triangles of this period.
1986). In any case. Amalia was a vivacious young Sigmund was born in 1856 in Freiburg. Mora-
woman, one of the youngest in her family. Jacob. via.As can be seen on the genogram of the Freud
for his part, had experienced many ups and down. family for 1859 (Figure 3.2 on page 52). much was
Having done fairly well in his thirties as a traveling going on in the family around the time of his birth.
salesman with his maternal grandfather, he seem- His specialness for his father may have been inten-
ingly came to a standstill in midlife. One would sified by the fact that Jacob's own father died less
predict, upon seeing these differences in experi- than three months before Sigmund was born and
ence and expectation on a genogram. that this may Sigmund was named for this grandfather, Schlomo.
be a problematic life cycle transition. Unresolved a rabbi. Sigmund was, perhaps, raised to follow in
issues in earlier phases of the life cycle tend to lead his footsteps by becoming a teacher and intellectual
52 CHAPTER 3
1791- 1805 ?l-

1805(?)
Jacob probably did not died in Tyzmenitz
65? 54
attend his funeral • \ 2/1756
Schlomo
I
1820- 1825- 1822- 1825- 1830-
no nnn
1820-1852(7) 1820(?)-1852(?) 1815- 1835-
V Sally
®
V
Rebecca
44
Jacob Freud
i
7859: move to Leipzig
Amalia ^24 J
for economic reasons

m. 1832 m. 1852 in 1860 to Vienna
1833- 1836- I
J
g E® 10/1857-4/1858
Emanuel
I
[23]
Philipp \J
T
s
Julius
1855- 1856- 1859-
John
(2)
Pauline
(D
Bertha
O
12/1858: nursemaio
5/6/1 856- 12/1858-
to jail for theft

Signlund Anna
1859: Jacob arranged sons' migration
to Manchester England
FICURE 3.2 Freud Family: 1859
leader. Sigmund's family role was obviously also intensify parental feelings about the surviving chil-
influenced by his innate brilliance. Another factor dren. The child nearest in age, especially a child of
accounting for his special role was probably that the same sex, often becomes a replacement for the
he was born at the high point in the family's hopes. lost child. Thus, Sigmund's closeness to his mother
Shortly afterward, they had to migrate twice, and may have become even more important to her after
Jacob suffered from significant business failures the death of her second son. The loss of this infant
from which he seems never entirely to have re- would itself have been intensified by the fact that
covered. Sigmund's younger siblings, particularly exactly one month before his death, Amalia's
Anna and Dolfi, may have borne the brunt of the youngest brother, also named Julius, died at the age
negative effects of these changes on the family (see of 20 from pulmonary tuberculosis (Krull, 1986).
Chronology 3.2). Undoubtedly, she knew that her brother was dying
Equally important, Sigmund's brother Julius, when she named her son for him. The naming is es-
born when Sigmund was 17 months old, lived for pecially interesting, since it goes against the Jewish
only seven months. The death of a sibling tends to custom of naming a baby in honor of someone who
—
Chronology 3.2_
The Freud Family, 1856-1859
1 856 (Feb. 2 1 ) Schlomo Freud, Jacob's father dies. 859 (January) Sigmund's nursemaid leaves
(Jacob is 40.) jailed for theft, reported by Sigmund's half-
1856 (May 6) Sigmund is born in Freiberg, Mora- brother Philipp during Amalia's confine-
via(now Pribor, in Czech Republic). ment with Anna.
1857 (October) Sigmund's brother Julius is born. 859 (August) Emanuel and Philipp emigrate with
1858 (March) Julius Nathansohn, Amalia's 20- their families, including Sigmund's nephew,
year-old brother, dies of tuberculosis. to whom he is very attached.
1858 (April 15) Julius dies. 859 I August) Freud family moves from Freiberg
1858 Wilhelm Fliess is born. Sigmund identified to Leipzig, apparently because of economic
Fliess with his brother Julius. reversals.
1858 ( December! Sigmund's sister Anna is born.
has already died. One wonders whether the emo- had many incarnations, which have revivedfirst one
tional imperative was somehow more powerful and then another aspect of character and is inerad-
here than the cultural custom, which had been fol- icably fixed in my conscious memory. At times he
lowed for Sigmund. In later Sigmund must have treated me very badly and I must have op-
life. said that
posed my tyrant courageously. (Jones. 1953, p. 8)
he had welcomed this brother with "ill wishes and
real infantile jealousy, and his death left the germ of
guilt in me" (cited in Krull, 1986). This beginning phase of a new family, of
The oldest sometimes resents the later-born, which Sigmund was the first child, finally con-
feeling threatened or displaced by the new arrival. cluded with a splitting and emigration of the old
From a very early age, Sigmund may have seen family. We do not know the details of why the
Anna as an intrusion, and she may have resented Freud family left Freiburg. When Sigmund was 3,
his special position and privileges in the family. his stepbrothers and their families went to England
She was conceived the month before the death of to find their fortunes, and Jacob moved his family
the second child. Julius. Sigmund's sibling rivalry first to Leipzig and then to Vienna, probably in part
might have been compounded by family ambiva- because of the economic reversals. Perhaps there
lence about the first child born after a lost son. were tensions between Amalia and her stepsons
These feelings of rivalry can linger into adulthood. Emanuel and Philipp. who may have been remind-
Sigmund's relationship with his sister Anna seems ers to her of Jacob's earlier loyalties. As men-
never to have been very close, and they were alien- tioned, there is even a hint of a possible affair.
ated as adults. Also. Jacob and Amalia shared a nursemaid with

Another complicating factor in terms of the Emanuel and his wife, and the children played well
sibling constellation can be seen on the genogram. together. The nursemaid was dismissed from the
For the first three years of his Sigmund was
life. household for stealing while Amalia was confined
raised almost as a younger brother nephew
to his for the birth of Anna: this was another loss for Sig-
John,who was a year or so older than he. Sigmund mund. Thus, within a period of a few years. Sig-
commented on the importance of this relationship: mund experienced a multitude of losses: the death
of his brother, the dismissal of the nursemaid, the
Until theend of my third year we had been insepa- emigration of his stepbrothers and their children,
rable; we had loved each other and fought each the birth of his sister, which took his mother away,
other and this childish relationship has deter-
. . .
and finally, the uprooting of his whole family. The
mined all my later feelings in intercourse with per- Freuds were never to be as financially stable again
sons my own age. My nephew, John, has since then (See Chronology 3.3).
54 CHAPTER 3
Chronology 3.3_
Freud/Nathansohn Family, 1860s and 1870s
1860 Freud family settles in Vienna. 1865 (October) Maternal grandfather (Jacob Na-
1860 (March) Sigmund's sister Rosa is born. thansohn) dies.
1861 (March) Sigmund's sister Marie (Mitzi) is 1866 (February) Uncle Josef Freud sent to prison
born. for 1 years.
1862 (July) Sigmund's sister Dolfi is born. 1866 (April) Sigmund's brother Alexander, named
1863 (May) Sigmund's sister Paula is born. by Sigmund, is born.
1865 (July 20) Uncle Josef Freud arrested for coun- 1868 Sigmund enters gymnasium.
terfeiting. 1873 Sigmund enters medical school.
Sigmund was the first of eight children (Fig- are no longer so dependent on their parents. Dur-
ure 3.3). The genogram shows the family in the ing this period, triangles are likely to develop in-
year Sigmund finished gymnasium and began med- volving adolescents, their peers, and their parents,
ical school. It is the birth of the first child, more or the adolescents, their parents, and their grand-
than the marriage itself, that most profoundly parents. We have little specific information on
marks the transition to a new family. For the new- family events during Freud's adolescence, but the
spouse, the child tends to signify greater legiti- genogram suggests a family with many burdens of
mization and power of the current family in rela- child-rearing, since there were seven children, all
tion to the partner's previous family. Sigmund still in the home. We may also wonder whether
definitely seemed to have a special place in his the discrepancy in age between Jacob and Amalia
mother's heart. He had an intense relationship with would not be felt even more at this stage of the life
her. and she always referred him as her "golden

to cycle. Jacob, in his fifties, may have been feel-
Sigi." By all accounts, he was the center of the ing his age. Sigmund later described his father as
household. There is a well-known family story that rather grouchy and disappointed in his older sons,
when his sister Anna wanted to play the piano, Emanuel and Philipp. In contrast, Amalia, in her
their mother bought one but got rid of it immedi- thirties was still energetic, attractive, and youthful.
ately when Sigmund complained that the noise We do not know whether these differences in age,
bothered him. His sisters got no further piano les- energylevel, and outlook led to tension or conflict
sons. Sigmund's special position is further indi- between Jacob and Amalia. but given her devotion
cated by the fact that the family gave him the to Sigmund and the demands of a large household,
privilege of naming his younger brother, Alex- it is likely that her energies were more focused on
ander, born when Sigmund was 10. (In his own her children than on her spouse. Sigmund later re-
marriage, he himself named every one of his six ported that he felt as though he had to make up for
children, all for his male heroes or one of their his father's absence. We also know that Jacob's
family female members! ) The Freuds' cultural pref- brother was jailed for counterfeiting, an experi-
erence for sons further exalted Sigmund's position ence that Sigmund later said turned his father's
in his family. hair gray. It appears that Jacob was implicated in
the scheme —
or at least his sons were, which may
have accounted for their earlier move to England
FAMILIES WITH ADOLESCENTS
(Krull, 1986: Swales. 1986).
Once children reach adolescence, the task is to pre- It is during adolescence that children begin to
pare the family for a qualitative change in the rela- have interests outside the family, both in school
tionships between the generations, as the children and with friends. Sigmund did very well in school
i —
1854: business failed, ruined

and disgraced
1792(?)-2/1856 1791(?)- 05-10/1865 1805(?^
Schlomo Freud FT~7|
rabbi 65?
Pepi
Hoffman E— Jacob Sarah
Nathansohn Willenz
1
1
1820(?)- 1825- 1822- 1825- 1830-
53
Abae
H
1866-76 jail
3 0E
1815-
became grouchy became
O 58
T
and disappointed
as he grew older
Jacob Freud
"tornado"
as she aged
( 38
Amalia
m. 1832-
1834-
(£) 5/6/1856- 10/1857-4/1858 1858- 1860- 1861-1862-1863- 1866-
8|2<J
1833-,
1 41 I
Phi „ pp
I
1873
« s
Sigmund
e
Julius
& <s ® © & a
Anna Rosa Marie Dolfi Paula Alexander
Emanuel (j
1855- 1856- 1859- 1860- 1862- 1866-
S
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Sam
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Eng/and
FIGURE 3.3 Freud Family in 1873
and was at the top of his gymnasium class for six of close friend at school, Eduard Silberstein, with
his eight years there. His success with his peers whom he corresponded and formed a "secret soci-
was less spectacular. By all accounts, he was a shy, ety." At 16, he had a crush on a friend's sister, Gisela
intense, serious young man who focused more on Fluss, but never expressed his feelings to her. Per-
his studies thanon socializing. The genogram will haps he was responding to a mandate from his fam-
sometimes indicate important peers in a child's ily: to excel in school and to succeed in life and so
life and whether family boundaries easily include justify his special position in his family and to make
outsiders. We know of Sigmund*s having only one up for their other disappointments — in the older
56 CHAPTER 3
sons, and in the father, who never seems to have teenagers, the father was arrested and then jailed
made a real living after the family moved to Vienna. briefly for fraud, surely bringing a sense of dis-
grace to the family. This is very similar to Sigmund

FAMILIES AT MIDLIFE: LAUNCHING and his sibling's experience that their uncle and
CHILDREN AND MOVING ON perhaps their father and half brothers were in-
volved in counterfeiting, Martha grew up in an at-

Little by little the young people are becoming inde-
mosphere of secrets and forebodings of potential
pendent and all of a sudden I have become the old
ruin and disgrace. There may be a parallel here
man. (Freud, 1909, cited in Young-Bruehl, 1988,
with Freud's mother as well, whose father's busi-
p. 61)
ness failed, leaving the family with a sense of ruin
The genogram also allows us to anticipate the and disgrace when she was 18. In the Bernays's
developments of the next generation. If we look at case, when Martha was 6 her father was arrested,
thegenogram of the family of Freud's future wife, when she was 7 he went to jail and when she was
Martha Bernays (Chronology 3.4 and Figure 3.4), 1 1 , her older, very troubled brother, Isaac, 1 7, died.
we see that the early years, particularly the adoles- When she was 18, her father died of a heart attack,
cence and young adulthood of Martha, Sigmund's leaving the family in great debt. Like the Freud
future wife, were turbulent and displayed certain family, with Jacob's apparent continued unem-
parallels with the Freud family. Her older brother ployment in his later years, it is not clear how the
Isaac had had medical problems in childhood that Bernays family survived. Eli, who took over the
required a great deal of medical attention and left running of the family, eventually fled Vienna to
him lame. As he was growing up, Isaac was report- avoid bankruptcy and the payment of debts owed
edly a difficult child with destructive tendencies to friends.The mother moved with her daughters
(Swales, 1986) and kept the household in an up- to Hamburg, which seems to have infuriated Sig-
roar. In addition, the three children following Isaac mund, who had met Martha in 1881 and became
all died in early childhood. Finally came Eli, Mar- secretly engaged to her two months later. One
tha, and Minna. Like the Freud family, the Bernays could speculate that the similarities in background
family had to deal with the death of young chil- and experience of Sigmund and Martha may have
dren. In 1867, when the children were not even been part of their attraction for one another.
Chronology 3.4.
The Bernays Family
1865 Minna, youngest daughter is born. the embarrassment about their debts. Sig-
1867 Berman Bernays goes bankrupt and is ar- mund is very upset by the distance and
rested for fraud. blames Eli for it.
1868 Berman goes to prison. 1883 Eliand Anna are married. Sigmund does not
1872 Isaac dies. attend, nor does he even mention it in his
1879 Berman dies, leaving the family in great debt. letters to Martha.
1882 Martha meets Sigmund and is secretly en- 1883 Ignaz Schonberg and Minna are engaged.
gaged two months later. Ignaz has TB.
1882 Eli meets Anna. 885 Ignaz breaks off the engagement.
1883 Gune) Martha, and their mother
Minna, 886 (June) Ignaz dies.
move with their mother to Hamburg, a 886 (Sept) Sigmund and Martha marry.
move arranged by Eli, probably because of
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58 CHAPTER 3
Chronology 3.5.
The Freud Family in the 1880s
1873 Sigmund enters medical school. publishes cocaine paper. Evidence suggests
1881 Sigmund completes medical school after 8 that Freud went on using and recommend-
years. ing the use of cocaine until the mid-1 890s
1882 (April) Sigmund meets future wife, Martha (Isbister, 1985).
Bernays. 1884 Jacob Freud has business problems.
1882 (April) Sigmund destroys his papers and let- 1885 (April) Sigmund destroys all of his papers.
ters just after meeting Martha. 1885 (June) Schonberg breaks his engagement to
1882 (June 17) Sigmund and Martha Bernays be- Minna.
come engaged. 1886 (February) Schonberg dies of tuberculosis,
1883 Minna becomes engaged to Ignaz Schon- diagnosed in 1883.
Sigmund.
berg, close friend of 1886 Sigmund writes paper on male hysteria.
1883 (June 14) Martha's mother moves with her 1886 (September 14) Sigmund and Martha are
daughters to Wandesbek. married, enabled by a gift of money from
1883 (September) Sigmund's friend Nathan Weiss Martha's aunt.
commits suicide. 1887 (October) Sigmund and Martha's first child,
1883 (October) Eli Bernays and Sigmund's sister Mathilda, is born (named for colleague
Anna are married. Sigmund does not attend Breuer's wife).
or even mention the wedding in letters to 1887 Sigmund meets Wilhelm Fliess, who be-
Martha (at least not in published correspon- comes his most important and intimate
dence, although apparently only a small friend until their break in 1904 over an ac-
part has ever been published). cusation of plagiarism.
1884 (July Sigmund becomes involved with
18)
cocaine and recommends it to others. He
The launching phases, when children leave to let their special child go. In Sigmund's day,
home to be on their own, in the past usually blended children usually did not leave home as single
into marriage, since children often did not leave young adults but lived in their parents' household
home until they married. Now most go through a until they married and established a household of
period of being a single adult. This phase is the their own. This was true for Sigmund, who lived
cornerstone of the modern family life cycle and with his parents until he was 30, when he married
crucial for all the other phases that are to follow. The Martha Bernays and they moved to their own
short-circuiting of this phase, or its prolongation, apartment. As was customary, one other daughter,
may affect all future life cycle transitions. The Dolfi, never married and remained at home to be
genogram often reveals the duration of the launch- the parental caretaker, as Anna did in the next
ing phase, as well as factors that may contribute to generation.
a delay of launching. One interesting fact from the perspective of
The information that we have on the Freud the life cycle is how long it took Sigmund to com-
family during the launching phase is quite scanty. plete his medical studies (Chronology 3.5). He
As has already been mentioned, Sigmund held a took seven years to get his degree and did not
favored, almost exalted position in his family. practice for quite a few years after that. This was
Sometimes, this can lead to difficulties in launch- unusual for students in those days, particularly those
ing, when a young adult is hesitant to leave such a who were not independently wealthy. Perhaps he
favored position and the parents may be unwilling was hesitant to finish and move on to the next
phase: supporting himself. Or perhaps he fell that Indeed, it appears that Eli's control of a small leg-
he was needed at home. In any case, he apparently acy of Martha's from an aunt was at least part of
did not seriously think about supporting himself the reason Sigmund and Martha could not marry
until he wanted to marry Martha. When a dela\ in sooner (Young-Bruehl. 1988). Sigmund's negative
moving on to the next phase is indicated by the feelings toward his sister and brother-in-law seemed
genogram. as in Freud*s case with his prolonged to intensify after the moved to New York
couple
time as a student and his length) engagement, one and the less-educated became very wealthy
Eli
should explore what impediments to moving on while the highly educated Sigmund had to struggle
in the life cycle there might be. for the money to support his family.
We know that before their marriage, there

were difficulties between Sigmund and Martha re-
MARRIAGE: THE NEXT GENERATION garding their families. Both came from families
with financial problems, and financial concerns
Having gone through several transitions of the
stood in the way of their marrying for more than
Freud family life cycle, we come to the next phase:
five years. Indeed. Sigmund blamed Eli for Mar-
the marriage of Sigmund Freud and Martha Ber-
tha's moving with her mother and sister to Ham-
na\ 5. A genogram of the time of marriage will of-
burg the year after they were engaged, which
ten provide valuable clues to the difficulties and
made it extremely difficult for them to see each
issues involved in the joining together of two fam-
other for long periods of time. Freud felt threat-
ily traditions in a new family.
ened by Martha's relationship to her family of
What is immediately apparent from the geno-
origin and was demanding and possessive about
gram (Figure 3.4 and Figure 3.5 on page 60) is the
her loyalty to him. During their long courtship, he
unusual double connection between the Freuds
wrote to her:
and Bemays in Sigmund's generation. Such un-
usual configurations often suggest complicated re- Are you already thinking of the day you are to
lationships between the two families and the leave, it is no more than a fortnight now, must not
possible existence of triangles. The oldest son in be more or else, yes. or else my egotism will rise up
each family married the oldest daughter of the against Mama and Eli-Fritz and I will make such a
other family. As was mentioned earlier. Sigmund din that everyone will hear and you understand, no
matter how your filial feelings may rebel against it.
and his sister Anna never got along. Perhaps Sig-
From now on you are but a guest in yourfamily like
mund felt the usual sibling rivalry of an oldest
a jewel that I have pawned and that I am going to
child with a younger sister. Or perhaps he associ-
redeem as soon as I am rich. For has it not been
ated Anna's birth with many losses: the brother Ju-
down woman
laid since time immemorial that the
lius, who was born and died between them, the
shall leave father and mother and follow the man
family's financial troubles and forced migration. she had chosen? (letter to Martha, 8/14/1882, in
the loss of the nursemaid, and the emigration of his Freud, 1960, p. 23)
uncles and cousins. Whatever the reasons. Sig-
Sigmund was overtly jealous of Martha's rela-
mund seemed to resent the marriage of Anna to Eli
tionship with Eli and even threatened to break off
Bemays and did not attend their wedding. In fact,
their engagement if she did not give up her loyalty
he did not even mention the event in his letters to
to her brother. He later wrote to her:
Martha, although he wrote to her almost daily and
shortly after that discussed the possibility of at-
You have only an Either-Or. If you can 't be fond
tending the wedding of one of her cousins, cer-
enough of me to renounce for my sake your family.
tainly a much less important family event. Perhaps then you must lose me. wreck your life and not get
Sigmund resented Eli and Anna's being able to much yourself out of your family, (cited in Appig-
marry when his own marriage seemed so far off. nanesi & Forrester, 1992, p. 31)
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60
HISTORY GENOGRAMS. AND THE FAMII A LIFE CYCLE 61
Nevertheless, throughout their marriage. Martha cies in nine years, had been surprised and unhappy
did maintain contact with other members of her to learn that she was pregnant for the sixth time It
family and remained true to their faith. Orthodox seems that after this last child. Sigmund and Mar-
Judaism, despite her husband's rejection of reli- tha decided not to have another. Sex between the
gion. After many years of marriage, she said that couple apparently began to diminish considerably
Sigmund's refusal to let her light the Sabbath lights at this point (Anzieu. 1986: Roazen. 1993). Anna
on the first was one
Friday night after her marriage was conceived exactly at the time of one of Freud's
of the most upsetting experiences of her life Ap- I

most explosive professional consultations. He re-
pignasesi & Forrester. 1992). As soon as Sigmund ferred his patient Emma Eckstein to his friend Wil-
died. Martha, who was then 68 years old, began helm Fliess. who believed in operating on people's
again to light the candles every Friday night. noses to cure them of sexual problems, which he
thought resulted from masturbation. Fliess made a
mistake during the operation and left gauze in the
PARENTHOOD: THK NEXT GENERATION
wound, which almost killed the woman. Freud.
As can be seen on the Freud genogram for 1896 who had an extremely intense relationship with his
(Chronology 3.6 on page 62 and Figure 3.6 on friend, experienced a profound sense of disillusion-
page 63). Sigmund and Martha married and had ment and distress over this situation.
six children within eight years. The early years of a Often, the last child has a special position in the
family with young children are always an eventful family. This was true of Anna, who was. by the w ay,
time. While Martha handled virtually all parenting not named for Freud's sister, but for the daughter of
responsibilities. Sigmund struggled to enlarge his his friend and beloved teacher. Samuel Hammer-
medical practice and began some of his most cre- schlag. This young woman. Anna Hammerschlag
ative intellectual work. It can often be a difficult Lichtheim, was also a friend of the Freuds ( Krull.
time for marriages, with so much of the spouses' 1986). Anna apparently felt that she was not the
energy focused on their children and work. When preferred child and spent an enormous amount of
this phase is seen on the genogram. one should be effort all her life trying to win her father's ap-
alert to child-rearing pressures and normative strains proval. She. rather than his wife, took care of him
in the marriage. w hen he was ill. He became her analyst, beginning
Like his own father's changes at midlife, it was in 1918. when she was 23. She went in his stead to
during this part of his life cycle that Sigmund expe- his own mother's funeral. She alone among his
rienced a major life crisis. In his case, it led to his children, never married, devoted herself to her fa-
greatest intellectual discoveries and his major for- ther, and chose to carry on his work.
mulation, and then recanting, of the seduction the- The birth of the last child may be an important
ory (Masson. 1984). It was also during these years turning point in family life. It seems that Martha
that Sigmund show ed mptoms of depression and
sy became very preoccupied with raising her six chil-
pseudo-cardiac problems. He complained of leth- dren, and Sigmund. who was not very much in-
argy, migraines, and various other somatic and volved with the children, moved closer intellectu-
emotional concerns. He was clearly in a great deal ally and emotionally to his sister-in-law. Minna.
of distress. It was during this period that he began w horn he had described in May 1 894 in a letter to
his famous self-analysis and constructed the edifice his friend Fliess as "otherw ise my closest confi-
of a new theory, w hich led to the publication of his dante" (Masson. 1985. p. 73).
most famous work. The Interpretation of Dreams. Minna moved into the Freud household in
A look at the genogram may elucidate why early 1896. Fourteen years earlier, she had been
this was such a turbulent but productive time in engaged to Sigmund's best friend. Ignaz Schon-
Sigmund's life. December 1895. Anna, their last
In berg. who had broken off the relationship shortly
child, w as bom. Martha, worn out by five pregnan- before his death from tuberculosis. According to
62 chapter 3
Chronology 3.6_
The Freud Family around 1896
1891 (February) Oliver, the third child is born 1896 Sigmund writes of the medical community's
(named for Freud's hero, Oliver Cromwell). isolating him.
1892 Beginning of Freud's estrangement from 1896 Freud calls Emma's hemorrhages "hysteri-
Breuer. cal."
1892 (April) Ernst, the fourth child is born (named 1 896 (October 23) Jacob Freud dies. (Sigmund is
for Freud's teacher, Ernst Brucke). 40 at the time.) Jacob had been very ill for a
1892 Eli Bernays goes to America. month or so. Because Martha is away on her
1893 Eli returns to take his family to the U.S. with first trip in 10 years to visit her mother, only
him. Two daughters, Lucy and Hella, stay Minna is there to console Sigmund over the
with Freud's family for a year. Sigmund gives loss of his father.
Eli some money for the trip. 1897 (January) Sigmund is passed over for univer-
1894 Sigmund is having heart problems but does sity promotion.
not tell he fears dying. He tries
his wife that 1 897 (February) Freud is informed that he will fi-
to give up smoking. He suffers depression, nally be proposed for the title of Professor.
fatigue, and financial problems. Martha's uncle Michael Bernays dies.
1895 (February) The Emma Eckstein episode be- 1897 (March) Sigmund's disgraced Uncle Joseph
gins. Freud has his friend Fliess operate on dies.
his patient, and Fliess makes a mistake, 1897 (July) Freud takes a walking tour with Minna.
leaving gauze in the wound, which almost He will take at least 17 vacations with her
kills her. over the next years.
1895 (March) Anna is conceived. 1897 (March) Mathilda has a very bad case of
1895 Freud is still depressed, having cardiac diphtheria.
symptoms. He treats himself with cocaine. 1897 (May) Sigmund is again passed over for pro-
He starts smoking after giving it up for over motion and becomes anxious.
a year. He decides to begin self-analysis. 1897 (May) Sigmund has an incestuous dream
Fliess performs a nasal operation on him. about his daughter Mathilda.
1895 (December) Anna, the sixth and last child, 1897 (September) Sigmund renounces his belief
is born (named for Freud's teacher Samuel in "seduction theory." (He had thought that
Hammerschlag's daughter, a young widow his father had an inappropriate relationship
and patient of Freud's) (Anzieu, 1 986). Freud with his sister.) Indespondence, he felt need
connects the expansion of his practice with for self-analysis. He outlined the oedipal
Anna's birth. theory.
1895 (December) Minna comes to live with the 1899 Freud writes Interpretation of Dreams.
Freud family. 1900 End of Sigmund's self-analysis.
1896 Outbreak of extremely negative feelings 1900 Trip with Fliess ends in falling out, which
about Breuer. would turn out to be permanent.
1896 (April) Sigmund writes of migraines, nasal 1900 Trip with Minna in Italy. Did Minna become
secretions, fears of dying. pregnant by Sigmund and have an abortion
1896 (May) Sigmund writes clearest account of They traveled together extensively
at a clinic?
seduction theory, belief that women's anxi- from September 12, 1900, through mid-
eties are based on childhood sexual abuse. February, 1901 (Swales, 1982). Jones said she
His presentation scandalizes his audience. was treated for TB, but there is no other
mention of her having that illness.
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63
64 CHAPTER 3
Jones (1955), Sigmund's view in that early period Jung's report that Minna told him that she and Sig-
was that he and Minna were alike because they mund had an affair. There is evidence that she be-
were both wild, passionate people who wanted came pregnant and had an abortion in 1901 (Swales,
their own way, whereas Ignaz and Martha were 1986). We know nothing about Martha's attitude
good-natured and adaptable. toward her husband's relationship with her sister.
Also in 1896, Sigmund's father died, a loss Interestingly, as can be seen on the Freud geno-
that Sigmund said was the most significant and up- gram for 1939 (Figure 3.7), Sigmund's oldest son,
setting event in a man's life. At the time of his fa- Martin, repeated this pattern and had an affair with
ther's death, Martha was away visiting her mother his wife's sister (Freud, 1988).
for the first time in many years, and Minna, who It was around this time that Sigmund adopted
had moved into the household less than a year be- Fliess as a father figure in his self-analysis. One
fore, was the only one there to console him. He can view Sigmund's self-analysis as the culmina-
wrote shortly after his father's death (November 2, tion of a number of events in the family and his
1895): own life cycle.He had just turned 40. He had had
his last child. He was struggling to support a large
By one of those obscure paths behind official con-
family. His wife's sister had moved in for good.
sciousness, the death of the old man has affected
His father had died. Apparently, the passion of his
me profoundly. . . . His life had been over a long time
marriage had cooled. In modern terms, Sigmund
before he died, but his death seems to have aroused
was suffering a "midlife crisis." Just as the midlife
in me memories of all the early days. I now feel
quite uprooted. (Masson, 1985)
period for his father was marked by a new love re-
lationship, occupational shift, and migration, Sig-
The death of a parent marks a critical point in the mund's crisis seemed to involve changing intimate
life cycle. In addition to the loss, it is a painful re- relationships and career upheaval. He resolved it in
minder of one's mortality and that the mantle of certain ways more positively than his father with
tradition and responsibility has been passed to the the consolidation of his career: the publication of
next generation. Now Sigmund had his mother to his book, his appointment as a professor, and his
support as well. In addition, his disgraced Uncle growing recognition as the father of a new theory.
Josef and an uncle of Martha's had died that year.
Minna had never married. When other rela-
FAMILIES IN LATER LIFE
tives appear as household members on a geno-
gram, one should speculate about the possibility of During the phase of aging, the family must come to
triangles involving the spouses and the children. terms with the mortality of the older generation,
By all accounts, Sigmund and Minna had an ex- while relationships must be shifted as each genera-
tremely close relationship. Minna's bedroom in the tion moves up a level in the developmental hierar-
Freud household could be entered only through the chy and all relationships must be reordered. There
master bedroom (Eissler, 1978). Minna and Sig- are special problems for women, who are more of-
mund took many vacations together (Swales, 1987), ten the caretakers (Dolfi and Anna) andwho tend to
apparently because they both enjoyed traveling, outlive their spouses (Amalia and Martha). When
whereas Martha did not, at least not at Sigmund's the last parent dies, the relationships between sib-
pace (Freeman & Strean, 1981). Minna was much lings become independent for the first time. Often,
more interested than Martha in discussing Sig- the genogram will reveal which child was delegated
mund's ideas. Indeed, Martha said of psychoanal- to become the caretaker of the aging parents, as well
ysis, "If I didn't realize how seriously my husband as the likely struggles and triangles in which sib-
takes his treatments, I should think that psycho- lings become involved in managing these responsi-
analysis is a form of pornography" (Appignanesi bilities. Sibling conflicts and cut-offs at this point
& Forrester, 1992, p. 45). Recent research supports usually reflect triangles with parents that have come
n
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65
66 CHAPTER 3
Chronology 3.7.
The Freud Family after 1 900
1902 (March 5) Sigmund becomes Professor Ex- 1923 (May) Sigmund goes to friend Felix Deutsch
traordinary. for diagnosis of the cancer and first opera-
1909 Mathilda marries. tion.
1911 Death of half-brother Philipp. 1923 (June 19) Favorite grandson, Sophie's son,
1911 Cut-off with Alfred Adler. Freud called it dies of TB. Sigmund weeps for the first time.
"the disgraceful defection of Adler, a gifted He never gets over the loss, which follows
thinker but a malicious paranoiac" (letter of so shortly on his own illness.
August 20, 1912 to James Jackson Putnam, 1923 (October 4) He has a second operation.
quoted in Kerr, 1993, p. 416). 1923 (October 11) Sigmund undergoes a third
1912 Cut-off with follower William Stekel. operation. Over next 16 years he will have
1913 Cut-off with Carl Jung. more than 33 operations.
1913 Sophie marries. 1923 Eli dies in New York. Sigmund writes bitterly
1914 First grandchild is born (Ernst Halberstadt, about his money and suggests that maybe
who later became an analyst and changed now his sister Anna will do something for
his name to Ernest Freud). her four indigent sisters.
1 91 4 Death of half-brother Emanuel 1924 Break with follower Otto Rank, rift with Fer-
1 91 8 Freud begins analysis of his daughter Anna, enczi.
which seems to have lasted at least until 1926 Theodore Reik is prosecuted for "quackery."
1922. 1930 Freud's mother, Amalia, dies.
1919 Martha has a bad case of pneumonia and 1938 The family is finally able to emigrate.
goes to a sanitorium. 1939 Sigmund Freud dies in London.
1919 Sigmund and Martha go to a spa for a 1942 Freud's four unmarried sisters die in the Ho-
"cure." An important follower, Victor Tausk, locaust; Rosa in Auschwitz, Marie and Paula
commits suicide. in Treblinka, Dolfi in Theresienstadt.
1920 Daughter Sophie contracts pneumonia and 1943 Freud's brother, Alexander, dies in Toronto.
dies. 1955 Freud's sister, Anna, dies in New York.
down from much earlier life cycle phases, espe- Freud was still alive (she lived until 1951). Anna's
cially with regard to who was the favored sibling in assuming this role meant, as it had previously for
childhood (Chronology 3.7). Sigmund's sister Dolfi in relation to their mother,
As we saw in Figure 3.7, Sigmund's father that she was never able to leave home. She was 44
died in 1896 at the age of 81, leaving Amalia to be at the time of her father's death. He had been un-
cared for by her children for the next thirty-five willing to function without her for many years.
years. Sigmund and his youngest brother, Alex- Though she had been briefly in love with her first
ander, took financial responsibility for their par- cousin, Edward Bernays, in 1913, she later said it
ents and sisters in later life, although it was the was good that the relationship had not worked out
middle daughter, Dolfi, who remained at home, because, since he was her double cousin, it would
unmarried, with their mother. Sigmund also lived a have been double incest. She had early dreamt that
long time, to the age of 83, and was cared for by his her father was the king and she the princess and
daughter Anna. Anna became her father's main people were trying to separate them by means of
follower and inheritor of his mantle. She was ap- political intrigues. She resolved on becoming a
parently his primary caretaker through his seven- partner with Dorothy Burlingham, an American
teen operations for jaw cancer, although Martha mother of four children, who was the youngest
of eight daughters of the glass millionaire Louis curious one. Assuredly, there is no saying what ef-
Comfort Tiffany. Though Dorothy was never offi- fects such an experience may produce in deeper
layers, hut on the surface I can detect only two
cially divorced, she and Anna lived and vacationed
things: an increase in personal freedom, since it
together for the rest of their lives. Together, they
was a I ways a terrifying thought that she might
ran a war nursery, a psychoanalytic training insti-
come to hear of my death; and secondly the satis-
tute, and a world famous children's clinic. (Dor-
faction that at least she has achieved the deliver-
othy's husband committed suicide in 1938. having
ance for which she had earned a right after such a
tried in vain to convince her to return to him.)
long No grief otherwise, such as my ten years
life.
The genogram may be helpful in predicting or younger brother is painfully experiencing. 1 was
understanding the reactions of family members to not at the funeral. Again Anna represented me as at
key events at different stages of the life cycle. For Frankfort. Her value to me can hardly be height-
example. Sigmund had a very strong reaction to the ened. This event has affected me in a curious
death of his 3-year-old grandson in 1923, shortly manner.... No pain, no grief which is probably to
after he himself was diagnosed with cancer: be explained by the circumstances, the great age,
and the end of the pin we had felt at her helpless-
He was indeed an enchanting and IUtile fellow, ness. With that a feeling of liberation, of release,
myself was aware of never having loved a human which I think I can understand. I was not allowed to
being, certainly never a child, so much. . . . I find this die as long as she was and now I may. Some-
alive,
loss very hard to bear. I don 't think I have ever ex- how the values of life have notably changed in the
perienced such grief perhaps my own sickness deeper lasers, (quoted in Jones, 1955, p. 152)
contributes to the shock. worked out of sheer ne-
I
cessity; fundamentally e\erything has lost its mean-

In this case, Sigmund. at 74. more reconciled with
ing for me. (June 11. 1923. In E. Freud. I960) his own eventual death, is relieved that the sequen-
tial order of the life cycle will be honored: first, the
A month later, he wrote that he was suffering from
parents die and then the children. The untimely or
the first depression of his life (Jones. 1955. p. 92).
traumatic loss of a family member is typically ex-
And three years later, he wrote to his son-in-law
tremely difficult for families to mourn, and thera-
that since this child's death he had not been able to
pists are urged to be alert to dysfunctional patterns
enjoy life:
that develop in response to such losses (see also
/ have spent some of the blackest days of my life in Chapter 11).
sorrowing about the child. At last I have taken hold
of myself and can think of him quietly and talk of

him without tears. But the comforts of reason have CONCLUSION
done nothing to help: the only consolation for me is
that at my age I would not have seen much of him. The genogram can be used to map the family at
each phase of the family life cycle. Different config-
Sigmund's words suggest he was having to come
urations on the genogram suggest possible triangles
to terms with his own mortality. This was partic-
and issues that can be explored for each phase. The
ularly difficult not only because his grandson's
genogram is only a schematic map of a family.
death was so untimely, but also because his daugh-
Gathering the necessary information must be part of
ter, Sophie, this grandson's mother, had died three
an extensive clinical interview, and the genogram is
years earlier at the age of 27.
a summary graphic of the data collected. Much in-
Contrast this grandson's death with Sigmund's
formation, of course, must be omitted to make a
reaction to the death of his own mother seven years
genogram comprehensible. Despite these limita-
later, in 1930:
tions, we believe that the genogram with an accom-
/ will not disguise the fact that my reaction to this panying family chronology (McGoldrick, Gerson.
exent has, because of special circumstances, been a & Shellenberger, 1998) is the best tool yet devised
68 CHAPTER 3
for tracking the family life cycle. Figure 3.7 pre- family moves along and that this family, like all
sents an overview genogram of the Freud family, others, has many levels, many patterns and much
including his children and grandchildren, indicat- fascinating richness.
ing that there are many more stories to tell as the
REFERENCES
Anzieu, D. (1986). Freud's self analysis. Madison, CT: Jones, E. (1953, 1954, 1955). The life and work of Sig-
International Universities Press. mund Freud (3 vols.). New York: Basic Books.
Appignanesi, L., & Forrester, J. (1992). Freud's women. Kerr, J. (1993). A most dangerous method. New York:
New York: Basic Books. Knopf.
Carotenuto, A. (1982). A secret symmetry: Sabina Spiel- Krull, M. (1986). Freud and his father. New York:
rein between Jung and Freud. New York: Pantheon. Norton.
Eissler, K. R. (1978). Sigmund Freud: His life in pictures Mannoni, O. (1974). Freud. New York: Vintage.
and words. New York: Helen & Kurt Wolff Books, Masson, J. (Ed.). (1985). The complete letters of Sigmund
Harcourt Brace Jovanovich. Freud to Wilhelm Fliess: 1887-1904. Cambridge,
Freeman, L., & Strean, H. S. ( 1981 ). Freud and women. MA: Belnap Press.
New York: Frederick Ungar. Masson, J. (1984). The assault on truth: Freud's sup-
Freud, M. (1983). Sigmund Freud: Man and father. New pression of the seduction theory. New York: Harper-
York: Jason Aronson. Collins.
Freud, S. (1988). My three mothers and other passions. McGoldrick, M., Gerson, R., & Shellenberger, S. (1998).
New York: New York University Press. Genograms in family assessment (2nd ed.), New
Freud, E. (Ed.) (1960). The letters of Sigmund Freud. York: Norton.
New York: Basic Books. Peters, U. H. (1985). Anna Freud: A life dedicated to
Gay, P. (1988). Freud: A life for our time. New York: children. New York: Shocken.
Norton. Roazen, P. (1993). Meeting Freud's family. Amherst,
Gay, P. (1990). Reading Freud. New Haven: Yale Univer- MA: University of Massachusetts Press.
sity Press. Swales, P. Minna Bernays, and the con-
(1982). Freud.
Gerson, R., & McGoldrick, M. (1986). Constructing and quest of Rome: New light on the origins of psycho-
interpreting genograms: The example of Sigmund analysis. The New American Review, /(2/3), 1-23.
Freud's family. Innovations in Clinical Practice: A Swales, P. (1986). Freud, his origins and family history.
Source Book (Vol. 5). UMDNJ—Robert Wood Johnson Medical School.
Glicklhorn, R. (1979). The Freiberg period of the November 15.
Freud family. Journal of the History of Medicine, Swales, P. (1987). What Freud didn't say. UMDNJ—
24, 37-43. Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. May 15.
Isbister, J. N. (1985). Freud: An introduction to his life Young-Bruel, E. (1988). Anna Freud: A biography. New
and work. Cambridge, England: Polity Press. York: Summit Books.
Chapter 4
CULTURE AND THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
PA ULETTE MOORE HINES RHEA ALMEIDA
NYD1A GARCIA PRETO SUSAN WELTMAN
MONICA McGOLDRICK
Culture interacts with the family life cycle at even values. Families that remain within an ethnic neigh-
stage. Families differ in their definition of "fam- borhood whose work, community and religion re-
ily"; in their definition of the timing of life cycle inforce ethnic values are likely to maintain their
phases and the tasks appropriate at each phase: and ethnicity longer than those who live in heteroge-
in their traditions, rituals, and ceremonies to mark neous settings without reinforcers of their cultural
life cycle transitions. When cultural stresses or traditions. The degree of ethnic intermarriage in
transitions interact with life cycle transitions, the the family also plays a role in cultural patterns
problems inherent in all change are compounded. (McGoldrick & Preto. 1984). Nevertheless, there
The consciousness of ethnic identity varies is burgeoning evidence that ethnic values and iden-
greatly within groups and from one group to an- tifications are retained for many generations after
other. Families vary in attitude toward their ethnic- immigration and play a significant role in family
ity, often as a result of pressures on them from the life throughout the life cycle (McGoldrick. Gior-
larger cultural context, at times regressively hold- dano, & Pearce, 1996). Second-, third-, and even
ing on to past traditions, at others denying any rel- fourth-generation Americans differ from the dom-
evance of their ethnic heritage at all. In groups that inant culture in values, behavior, and life cycle pat-
have experienced discrimination, such as Jews and terns. While we are well aware of the problems
African Americans, family attitudes about alle- of stereotyping and generalizing about groups in
giance to the group may become conflicted, with ways that may lead to prejudice and in no way
members turning against themselves or each other, mean to contribute to that tendency, we have taken
reflecting the prejudices of the outside world. the risk of characterizing intergenerational pat-
Some people have a choice about ethnic identifi- terns over the life cycle for several groups to sensi-
cation: others, because of their color or physical tize clinicians to the range of values that different
characteristics, do not. Ethnicity intersects with people hold. Of course, each family must be dealt
class, religion, politics, geography, the length of with as unique, and the characterizations used here
time a group has been in this country, the historical are meant to broaden the therapist's framework.
cohort, and the degree of discrimination the group not to constrict it.
has experienced (see Chapter 10). Generally speak- When we talk of families moving through the
ing. Americans tend to move closer to the domi- life cycle together, it is important to note how our
nant American value system as they move up in clients themselves define "family." For example,
class (see Chapter 5). People in different geo- the dominant American (Anglo) definition has fo-
graphic locations evolve new cultural norms. Reli- cused on the intact nuclear family, often including
gion also motivates or reinforces certain cultural other generations only to trace family genealogy to
69
70 CHAPTER 4
distinguish ancestors who were in this country be- give special emphasis to the bar mitzvah and bat
fore 1776 or, for southern Anglo families, noting mitzvah, a transition to adulthood for boys and
family members who took part in the Civil War girls, respectively, reflecting the value placed on in-
(McGill & Pearce, 1996). For Italians, by contrast, tellectual development, a transition that most other
one might even say there is no such thing as the Western groups do not mark at all.
"nuclear family." For this group, family has tended Families differ also in their intergenerational
to refer to the entire extended network of aunts, un- struggles. Anglo families (families of British ex-
cles, cousins, and grandparents, who are involved traction) are likely to feel that they have failed if
in family decision making; who share holidays and their children do not move away from the family
life cycle transition points together; and who tend and become independent. Indeed, in Britain, many
to live in close proximity, if not in the same house of those who can afford it send their children away
(Giordano & McGoldrick. 1996). African Ameri- to school by age 7. Even in this country, upper-
can families tend to focus on a wide informal net- middle-class Anglos often send their children away
work of kin and community in their even broader to boarding school by age 14. By contrast. Italian
definition of family, which goes beyond blood ties families may feel that they have failed if their chil-
to close long-time friends, who are considered dren do move away. Jewish families will expect a
family members (Hines & Boyd-Franklin. 1996; relatively democratic atmosphere to exist in the
Stack, 1974). The Chinese go even further, includ- family, children being free to challenge parents
ing all their ancestors and all their descendants in and to discuss their feelings openly (Rosen &
their definition of family. However, women tradi- Weltman. 1996). Greek families, by contrast, do
tionally moved into their husbands" family at the not expect or desire open communication between
time of marriage, and their names disappear from generations and would not appreciate a therapist's
the family tree in the next generation, leaving only getting everyone together to discuss and resolve
the males as permanent members of the family their conflicts. Greek children are expected to re-
(Kim. 1981 ). Thus, in a sense, Asian families con- spect parental authority, which is maintained by
sist of all one's male ancestors and descendants. the distance parents keep from their children. Irish
families are generally embarrassed to share feel-
ings and conflicts across generations and cannot be
LIFE CYCLE STAGES
expected to do so to any great extent.
Groups differ in the importance given to different Any life cycle transition can trigger ethnic
life cycle transitions. For example, the Irish have identity conflicts, since it puts families more in
always placed great emphasis on the wake, view- touch with the roots of their family traditions. How
ing death as the most important life cycle transi- the rituals of transition are celebrated can make an
tion, which frees human beings from the suffering important difference in how well the family will ad-
of this world and takes them, it is hoped, to a hap- just to the changes. All situational crises — divorce,
pier afterlife. African Americans, perhaps as a re- illness, job loss, death, retirement —can compound
sult of similar life experiences with suffering, have ethnic identity conflicts, causing people to lose a
also emphasized funerals. Both groups go to con- sense of who they are. The more sensitive a thera-
siderable expense and have traditionally delayed pist is to the need to preserve continuities, even in
services until all family members can get there. the process of change, the more he or she can help
Italian and Polish families have placed the greatest the family to maintain maximum control of its con-
emphasis on weddings, often going to enormous text and build upon it.
expense and carry on the celebration and feasting Groups differ not only in parent-child rela-
for lengthy periods of time, reflecting the impor- tionships in childhood, but also in the degree of in-
tance these groups place on continuation of the tergenerational sharing and dependence expected
family into the next generation. Jewish families between adult children and their aging parents. For
cri.Ti hi-. ANirim i wnn i. iff cycle 71
example, whereas Italians or Greeks are likely to logical scars of past and current discrimination, age,
grow up « ith the expectation that they will eventu- education, religion, and geographic origins make
ally take care of their parents, Anglo parents' worst for great heterogeneity within African American
nightmare might be that the) will eventually have culture. However, survival issues based on interde-
to depend on their children for support. Minimal pendence and oppression due to racism are com-
interdependence is expected or fostered, so adult monalities that transcend individual and group
children feel relatively guiltless when they have to differences. The legacy of slavery, racism, and op-
put their parents in a nursing home. Conversely, pression is a common bond for all African Ameri-
adult children avoid asking their parents for sup- cans, regardless of differences in educational or
port beyond paying for their education. economic status (Hines & Boyd-Franklin, 1996;
Groups differ in their definitions of responsibil- Mahmoud. 1998, Pinderhughes. 1998).
ities and obligations according to gender roles, in Despite conscious and consistent efforts by
their expectations of motherhood and fatherhood, members of the dominant culture to erase all rem-
and in their treatment of sons and daughters. Mar- nants of African culture from the memories and
riage, child-rearing, leaving home, and caring for the practices of African slaves and their descendants,
elderly demand changes in relationships that are in- the sense of oneness, exemplified in the practice
herently stressful, especially when ascribed cultural of greeting one another as "sister" or "brother," is
rules for dealing with these stages are devalued or critical to understanding the dynamics of relation-
impossible to carry out in the new context. When ships among African Americans.
conflict erupts, younger members may be most in- Family relationships, more than bank accounts,
fluenced by society's dominant values, while the represent wealth and guarantee emotional and con-
older generations of a family usually attempt resolu- crete support in the face of negative feedback from
tion by drawing on the strengths and legacies passed the larger society. The emotional significance of
down from one generation to the next. relationships is not determined solely by the im-
The portraits that we offer here are suggestive. mediacy of blood ties. In fact, "family" is an ex-
not complete, and readers should consider the tended system of blood-related kin and people who
many other factors that may influence the particu- are informally adopted into this system (Boyd-
lar values and behavior of each family they work Franklin. 1989; Hines & Boyd-Franklin. 1996).
with, including: Extended family systems tend to be large and con-
stantly expanding as new individuals are incorpo-
• thenumber of generations since the family rated through marriage and informal adoptions of
came to the United States. children and fictive kin. Commonly, three or four
• their reasons for coming, generations live in proximity, sometimes residing
• socioeconomic factors that influence class stain the same neighborhood.
tus and class change. Strong value is placed on loyalty and responsi-
• racial experiences in the United States and bility to others. This value is reinforced through the
elsewhere. belief that everything one does in the public domain
• gender roles, reflects on one's family and on other African Amer-
• migration history, icans. Similarly, African Americans often believe
• religious influences, and that one does not succeed just for oneself, but for
• the culture of the locale where the family lives. one's family and race as well. In essence, African
Americans believe that "you are your brother's
keeper." Personal accomplishments are considered
AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILIES
the dual consequence of individual effort and the
African traditions, the experience of slavery, as- sacrifice of others. Success is to be acknowledged
similation into the U.S. mainstream, the psycho- and celebrated but not overemphasized, as positive
72 CHAPTER 4
outcomes cannot be guaranteed despite one's ef- who find it difficult to achieve adult status while
forts in a racist environment. Furthermore, even living at home may move in with relatives until
when success is achieved, it may be short lived. In- they become economically self-sufficient. How-
telligence and education without character and ever, they remain subject to older family mem-
common sense have little value. Good character bers' collective efforts to protect them from life's
involves respect for those who helped one succeed hardships.

and survive difficult circumstances. Family mem- Intergenerational issues may surface in fami-
bers are expected to stay connected and to reach nes with young children and adolescents. The role
out and assist others who are in need (McGoldrick, flexibility (exchange of responsibilities) that is
Garcia-Preto. Hines, & Lee, 1989). characteristic of African American families allows
The elderly are held in reverence. Older adults to help children thrive in an environment
women, more than men, are called upon to impart with many minefields (Hines, 1990). The proverb
wisdom as well as to provide functional support to "It takes a village to raise a child" works well as
younger family members. Older adults are testi- long as roles are clearly defined, rules are consis-
mony to the fact that one can not only survive, but tent, and ultimate authority is clearly established.
even transcend difficult circumstances. They serve However, when distinctions between their func-
as models for self-sacrifice, personal strength, and tions and the process for decision making among
integrity. By example, they show that although suf- various caretakers is not clearly delineated, confu-
fering is inevitable, one can grow from hardship sion is likely to result. Intergenerational conflicts
and adversity. Children and adults are expected to are most likely to arise when a child exhibits disre-
show verbal and nonverbal respect to the elderly. spectful behavior at home or school, poor aca-
Titles such as Mr.. Mrs., Aunt, and Uncle are used demic functioning, and behavior that may put the
to convey respect, deriving from the slavery and youth at risk of compromising his or her personal
postslavery eras during which African American freedom. More specifically, the primary concerns
men and women, irrespective of their age, were are that male adolescents will get into trouble with
treated and referred to as objects or children. legal authorities and that female adolescents will
Children and adolescents may express their act out sexually or, worse, become pregnant. Par-
feelings and opinions but are not allowed to argue ents may resort to overfunctioning (i.e.,become
with adults after a final decision has been made. inflexible) and turn to relatives for help. Male ad-
Although adults have the liberty to voice dissent- olescents in female-headed households are par-
ing opinions to those who are older, younger adults ticularly inclined to rebel against the power and
are expected to acknowledge respectfully the older influence of their mothers and other females in po-
adult's opinionand perspective. To fail to do so sitions of authority as they struggle to concretize
shows disrespect for the life experience of the their male identity (Hines. 1990).
older person. Use of profanity in an intergenera- Although African Americans have the capac-
tional context is generally considered disrespectful ity to be openly expressive of their feelings, such
and unacceptable. expression may be held in check in an effort to
Young adulthood for African Americans is a minimize intergenerational conflicts. Such con-
critical period during which poor decisions and flicts threaten unity and diminish energy needed to
impulsive behavior can have lifelong consequences deal with everyday life. Parent-child conflicts fre-
(see Chapter 19). The usual stressors on inter- quently occur, nevertheless, when individuals vio-
generational relationships during this phase of the late cultural norms by exhibiting hopelessness and
life cycle can be both eased and complicated by a lack of self-respect. Tensions also are likely to
the numerous adults who may be intensely con- arise when individuals are perceived to be wallow-
cerned about a young adult's well-being. Young ing in their sorrows, engaging in self-destructive
adults who have few employment possibilities and behaviors, or pursuing individual interests without
CULTURE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 73
concern for significant others, particularly children issues before they are willing to share personal in-
and older adult family members. formation and subject themselves to the therapist's
Intergenerational conflicts may arise between influence. African Americans are highly attuned to
family members over two, three, or even four gen- nonverbal as well as verbal communication, and
erations based on differences as to whether chil- therapists should be careful about what messages
dren are being taught the traditional values that they convey at both levels. Giving family members
are considered critical to the survival of African permission to express their concerns facilitates
American people. Youths who are oppositional in trust so that the family can devote their attention to
response to adults' push for their church involve- problem solving.
ment are seen as more vulnerable and defenseless Because they are so invested in maintaining
in dealing with adverse circumstances. Conflicts family unity, some family members may need en-
may also surface between adults across genera- couragement to address topics that they anticipate
tions as to how best to teach survival skills to might lead to intergenerational tension or cut-offs.
youths without exposing them to hardships and de- One way to accomplish this is to offer examples
priving them of the fruits of the previous genera- that highlight how failure to discuss important is-
tion's labor. It is not uncommon for youths to have sues can lead to damaged relationships that affect a
major differences with their parents and other adults family for generations. Family members are more
in their extended families about their choices of likely to take the risk of bringing conflicts to the
clothing and/or hairstyles. While these issues are surface if they are clear that doing so is for the ul-
common sources of intergenerational conflict across timate good of the family.
ethnic groups, African American parents are likely Family members often are inclined to make
to become upset not because of power and control personal sacrifices "for the good of the family."
issues but because such choices may limit their Therapists should avoid suggesting that clients fo-
children's employment opportunities and further cus on their own needs before those of significant
expose them to discrimination and problems with others (Hines. 1990). Behavioral changes can be
the police. African American youths may respond encouraged by asking clients to consider the short-
with equal intensity because they are not just re- and long-term negative effects on significant oth-
jecting adult authority, but struggling to express ers if they persist in their old behavior! s) while
their racial identity and, often, anger at racist atti- simultaneously emphasizing the individual's re-
tudes and practices. When the stakes are perceived sponsibility to self and the personal benefits of be-
to be so high, adult family members are reluctant havioral change.
to relax their positions; therapists must validate When several people share caretaking respon-
their goals before challenging them to shift mal- sibility for a child, the therapist should attempt to
adaptive behavior. involve family members in clarifying who makes
Therapists are likely to encounter difficulty if which decisions and how other family members
they label any family member as a "villain" or can be supportive. Single mothers, especially those
"bad," regardless of how angry, disappointed, or raising male adolescents, may benefit greatly when
rejecting family members may be because of that others within their social support systems are re-
person's behavior. To attack one family member is cruited to serve as mentors rather than as addi-
to attack the entire family, which will arouse resis- tional disciplinarians for their children.
tance. This does not mean that family members ab- When making referrals to self-help groups,
solve one another of responsibility for problematic therapists should be aware that the client may be
behaviors. However, families can become resent- uncomfortable if he or she is the sole African
ful or furious at the tendency of Whites to ignore American participant. Clients should be offered
the pernicious effects of racism and poverty. Fam- the opportunity to discuss such concerns, and alter-
ilies will gauge their therapist's attitude toward such native options for seeking support should be made
74 CHAPTER 4
available if needed. For example, young adults, women's repression or sublimation of sexual drives
struggling under the weight of unrealistic family- and consideration of sex as an obligation. The cul-
or self-imposed expectations and/or challenged by tural message is that if a woman has sex with a man
the inherent stress of working in a bicultural set- before marriage, she will lose his respect, he will
ting can be encouraged to develop peer or profes- not many her, and she will bring dishonor to her-
sionally led support groups within their work and self and to her family. Traditionally, the line sepa-
social environments. rating donas (a respectful term for "Mrs.") from

putas (whores) has been quite clear: no sex before
marriage and afterward an accepting attitude with-
LATINO FAMILIES
out much demonstration of pleasure (Garcia-Preto.
The web of relationships that extends across gener- 1994).
ations in Latino families provides a support net- Marianismo has been reinforced by the ac-
work that is sustained by rules of mutual obligation. claim that the culture gives to mothers. Mother-
These rules are perpetuated by patterns of caretak- hood has been romanticized in Latino literature
mg that fulfill expectations of emotional, physical, and their music, and the association made between
and economic support for those who need it from mothers and the Virgin Mary is so strong that the
those who are capable of providing it. Rules of re- mere mention of the word "mother" tends to evoke
spect also play an important role in preserving this an almost religious response. Having children also
intergenerational network of close, personal rela- raises the status of women in society and is a rite of
tionships. For example, children learn to relate to passage into adulthood, eliciting respect from fam-
others according to their age. sex. and social class. ily members and friends. Mothers are glorified
When the system works, that is. if sacrifices do not when they put their children's welfare above ev-
border on martyrdom, the support and emotional en thing else and protect them. This sacrificial role
acceptance that are provided can be healthy and is reinforced by the admiration of society. Feeling
nurturing as well as reassuring and validating. pressured and obligated to sacrifice themselves to
The sense of responsibility and mutual obliga- be good mothers, women may assume positions of
tion can be so ingrained among Latinas and Lati- martyrdom in the family. Keeping the family to-
nos that individuals with few resources run the risk gether under all circumstances becomes their de-
of self-sacrifice. Women, in particular, are ex- votion, their cross to bear (Garcia-Preto. 1990).
pected to assume caretaking roles in the family and Hembrismo. on the other hand, connotes
tend to experience more pressure than do men to strength, perseverance, flexibility, and the ability
devote their lives to the welfare of others. Becom- to survive. Within a historical context, hembrismo
ing martyrs gives women special status, in that shares elements with the women's movement in
family members often see their sacrifice as exem- the areas of social and political goals (Gomez.
plary However, the price they pay for "earning 1982). Also, in the same way that feminists have
this cross" is often too high (Garcia-Preto, 1990). been perceived as men haters in this culture. Latinas
This behavior is reinforced by the cultural concepts who behave like hembras are sometimes viewed as
of marianismo and hembrismo. a term derived trying to act like men or as challenging them. For
from "hembra" and literally meaning "female" in instance, in the literature about Latinas. reference
Spanish, which contribute to the complexity of has been made to hembrismo as being a cultural re-
Latino gender roles. action to machismo, or a frustrated attempt to imi-
Marianismo stems from the cult of the Virgin tate males. However, culturally, hembrismo can
Mary, whereby women are considered morally su- also translate into a woman's attempt to fulfill her
perior to men and therefore capable of enduring multiple role expectations as a mother, wife, worker,
the suffering inflicted by men (Stevens. 1973). daughter, and community member in other words,—
Also implicit in the concept of marianismo are the "superwoman" working a double shift, at home
and on the job (Comas-Diaz. 1989). In therapy, we be to empower women to stop the abuse by linking
often see women presenting with symptoms re- them up with an antiviolence program and to ad-
lated to pressure and conflict that they experience dress the alienation that is often created between
when they try to act like marias at home and hem- fathers and children when men are uninvolved or
bras at work. At work, they assume responsibility abusive at home. Mothers and daughters also have
and try to be flexible, strong, and assertive; at close relationships, but these are more reciprocal
home they sacrifice themselves and suffer under in nature. Mothers teach their daughters how to be
the oppression of male dominance. good women who deserve the respect of others, es-
Men. for their part, are expected to assume fi- pecially males, and who will make good wives and
nancial responsibility for elderly parents, younger mothers. Daughters usually care for their elderly
siblings, and nephews and nieces. This behavior. parents, often taking them into their homes when
too, is admired and respected. Grandparents and they are widowed, even though sons may provide
other elderly relatives, although not expected to financial support.
contribute financially to the family, often serve as Relationships between Latinos and their fa-
caretakers for grandchildren, enabling parents to thers vary according to family structure. In fami-
work or go to school. In return for this assistance, it lies in which fathers assume an authoritarian po-
is expected that the elderly will be cared for by sition, there tend to be more distance and conflict.
their adult children. If such expectations are not While attempting to be protective, fathers may be-
met. intergenerational conflicts are likely to occur come unreasonable, unapproachable, and highly
throughout the family system. critical of their daughters' behavior and friends. In
A common source of intergenerational con- contrast, they expect their sons to protect them-
flict in Latino families who enter therapy is the selves, and they support sons' moves toward inde-
struggle between parents and children who have pendence. On the other hand, in families in which
grown apart while trying to adapt to American cul- fathers are more submissive and dependent on
ture. Traditionally. Latino children tend to have mothers to make decisions, they may develop spe-
closer relationships with their mothers than with cial alliances with their daughters, who in turn as-
their fathers. Perhaps because women are respon- sume a nurturing role toward them. With the
sible for holding the family together, they tend to increasing number of Latino families being headed
develop very strong relationships with their chil- by single women (for complex reasons including
dren and other family members. This central posi- colonialist oppression of Latino cultures and the
tion in the family system yields them a degree of breakdown of patriarchal social structures), com-
power that is reflected in the alliances mothers of- mon scenarios are for fathers to be absent and dis-
ten build with children against authoritarian fa- tant or for daughters and sons to grow up having
thers, who are perceived as lacking understanding memories of their fathers' violent, abusive, and ad-
of emotional issues. Relationships between sons dictive behavior (Garcia-Preto, 1994).
and mothers often are particularly close and mutu- When Latino families arrive in the United
ally dependent, and it is not uncommon to see a States, the children usually find it easier to learn
son protecting his mother against an abusive hus- English and adapt to the new culture than parents
band. A family therapist working with this type of do. The parents may find English too difficult to
family may think that it is helpful to get the son to learn and the new culture unwelcoming and dan-
separate from the mother. The problem, however, gerous. They may react by taking refuge in the tra-
is not the closeness between the mother and son. ditional culture, expecting their children to do the
since strong loyalty ties between children and same. When this occurs, children typically rebel
mothers are within the cultural norm among Lati- against their parents' rigidity by rejecting parental
nos, but the lack of power that women in these po- customs, which are viewed as inferior to the Amer-
sitions experience. A more useful approach would ican way of life.
76 CHAPTER 4
Children may become emotionally distant often find themselves caught between two gen-
from their parents, who often feel that they have erations that pull them in opposite directions. Ad-
lost control. Parents usually react by imposing olescents may feel that their grandparents are too
stricter rules. Corporal punishment may be used. old-fashioned and resent their attempts at disci-
Commonly, parents will demand respect and obe- pline. Both adolescents and grandparents may
dience, cultural values that are traditionally seen as complain to parents, who may try to mediate by
a solution to misbehavior. Parents may become explaining cultural differences but end up feeling
very strict and highly protective of adolescents, powerless and confused about their own values.
especially if the family lives in a high-crime com- Asking grandparents to attend therapy ses-
munity. Daughters in particular may be overpro- sions to discuss adolescence and cultural values is
tected because they are most vulnerable than males sometimes helpful. The therapist might ask the
in a society with loose sexual mores. Such patterns family to identify the values that cause the most
of overprotection are most characteristic of fami- conflict at home. Ensuing discussions might lead
lies that are isolated or alienated from support sys- to intergenerational compromise. For female ado-
tems in the community and when extended family lescents, dating usually presents the greatest source
members are not available ( Garcia- Preto, 1996). of conflict. In traditional Latino culture, dating be-
Children who are caught in the conflict of cul- gins much later than it does in the United States.
tures and loyalties may develop a negative self-im- When dating is allowed, it is generally chaperoned
age, which can inhibit their chances for growth and by family or friends. Dating a number of boys is
accomplishment. Parents, then, may feel thwarted frowned upon, and girls gain bad reputations if
at every turn and consequently give up on their they violate this rule of behavior. Once parents and
children. In therapy, it may be useful to see adoles- grandparents recognize the difference between
cents alone if they are unable to speak freely in these rules and what is considered acceptable ado-
front of their parents. Issues of respect and fear lescent behavior in this culture, they are more will-
about their parents' reactions may inhibit adoles- ing to make compromises, especially when they
cents from speaking about sex, drugs, incest, prob- realize the extent to which their children are af-
lems at school, or cultural conflicts at home and in fected by peer pressure. For instance, parents and
the community. In such instances, obvious goals grandparents may be more willing to accept their
include helping adolescents to define and share daughter's dating if, instead of going out alone
with their parents personal issues that affect their with a boy, the dating is done with a group of
relationship in an effort to find compromises. Dis- friends. Meeting the girl's friends and their parents
cussing a family's migration history and accultu- also helps them to feel less anxious about her go-
ration process may help to clarify conflicts over ing out.
cultural values. The therapist can also encourage As was stated earlier, intergenerational con-
parents to redefine privileges and responsibilities flict is often caused by the inability of one genera-
and to discuss their genuine concern for the child. tion to provide care for another. Adult children
By encouraging parents to express their love, con- who are unable to care for their elderly parents, es-
cern, and fear to their children, therapists help par- pecially if the parents are ill, may experience stress
ents and children to relate in a more positive and guilt. Conflicts with siblings and other family
manner (Garcia-Preto, 1996). members may result. Practitioners need to encour-
Disagreements that parents have with then- age communication among family members to
own parents about child discipline can become an- help them find ways to contribute to the care of
other source of intergenerational conflict. This is elderly parents. Women who devote themselves to
especially when grandparents live in the
true caring for elderly parents may express their stress
household with adolescents, who show disrespect and resentment through somatic complaints and or
toward them and reject Latino values. Parents depression. Therapists can help these women to
express their resentments openly as well as assist maintained, even if this is very hurtful for everyone
them in finding support from other family mem- involved.
bers or community resources. Within the family, intergenerational relation-
Leaving the family system (e.g., through di- ships throughout the life cycle were traditionally
vorce or separation) is extremely risky for both handled primarily by the mother. She cared for
men and women because it implies loss or control, both the old and the young. Everyone is likely to
support, and protection. For couples who are still view caretaking as her responsibility (McGoldrick,
adjusting to American culture, the loss of the 1991). Her main supporters are her daughters,
family system can be devastating. For example, though she might also call on her sisters when she
women usually depend on other women in the ex- needs help. The therapist may have to teach both
tended family to help with child-rearing and do- her and her husband how to involve him in han-
mestic tasks because men are not expected to share dling problems.
these responsibilities. Without the help of their The Irish sense of duty is a strong resource.
mother, mothers-in-law. grandmothers, aunts, or Parents want to do the right thing for their children.
sisters, Latinas may become overburdened and be- It is not a lack of caring but a lack of attention to
gin demanding assistance from their husbands. detail that most often interferes with appropriate
The husband may, in turn, resent these demands nurturing of their children. This is the legacy of a
and become argumentative and distant, perhaps history of oppression that forced parents to be
turning to alcohol, gambling, or extramarital af- overly vigilant about their children's behavior and
fairs. The extended family can provide a measure left them often unable to attend adequately to their
of control for aggression and violence by interven- children's emotional needs because of their own
ing in arguments and providing advice to couples. deprivations. The Irish have tended to focus more
Helping couples to make connections with rela- on their children's conformity to rules than on
tives, friends, or community supports may be the other aspects of their child's development, such as
therapist's most crucial task. emotional expression, self-assertiveness, or cre-
ativity. Traditionally, the Irish have believed that
children should be seen and not heard. They
IRISH FAMILIES
should not bring outside notoriety to the family, es-
Intergenerational relationships among the Irish of- pecially for bad behavior. Less emphasis was
ten are not terribly intimate. Unlike groups that placed on being a star student than on not standing
tend to view the extended family as a resource in out from the group for misbehavior. Irish parents
times of trouble, the Irish often take the attitude traditionally tended to have little sense of child
that having a problem bad enough, but if your
is psychology. They hoped that keeping their chil-
family finds out, you have two problems: the prob- dren clean and out of trouble and teaching them
lem and your embarrassment that your family right from wrong would get them through. When
knows. It is said of the Irish that they suffer alone. children develop psychological symptoms, Irish
They do not like others to see them when they are parents may be mystified. When children act out,
in pain. It is not so much a fear of dependence, parents tend to blame outside influences, although
which it might be for Anglos, as a sense of embar- inwardly they blame themselves.
rassment and shame at not being able to keep up During the child-rearing phase, the greatest
appearances. Intergenerational secrets are com- problem in Irish families occurs if a child gets in
mon. The Irish would often rather tell almost any- trouble with outside authorities, such as the school
thing to a stranger than to a family member. If they system. When parents have problems during this
do share it with a family member, it is usually told phase, for example, if the father is an alcoholic, Irish
to someone of the same sex and same generation as children can be remarkably inventive in developing
the teller. Intergenerational boundaries are strongly strategies to obey family rules of denial while
78 CHAPTER 4
appearing to function well. However, they may later Perhaps because of their history of oppres-
pay a high price emotionally for having learned at sion, the Irish tend to communicate indirectly, of-
an early age to suppress their disallowed feelings. ten believing that putting feelings into words only
During the adolescent phase and the launch- makes things worse. They can also be uncomfort-
ing years, drinking may become a major, often unable with physical affection (Barrabe & von Mer-
identified, problem that the parents do not know ing. 1953: McGoldrick. 1996; Rudd, 1984) and
how to handle. They may ignore it. often with di- tend to relate to their children through fixed labels:
sastrous consequences. Parents do not want to be "Bold Kathleen." "Poor Paddy." and "That Joey."
intrusive as long as the problem is not obvious and Children are loved, but not intimately known (Rudd.
may not know how to talk through conflicts. They 1984).
may hardly mention their concern at all until things What are we to make of these stereotypes of
reach an extreme. the Irish mother, who seems to be to blame for all
Irish fathers have tended to play a periph- sorts of problems —contempt for her husband,
eral role in intergenerational family relationships, spoiling her sons and binding them in a love from
whereas Irish mothers were always at the center which they will never be free while teaching her
(McGoldrick. 1996). Although Irish mothers have daughters to rely only on themselves, become
provided outstanding female role models of strong- overresponsible. and repeat these skewed patterns?
minded, commanding, indomitable women, the We must take into account the very ancient tradi-
stereotype of the "sainted Irish mother" is not to- tion of Irish women, celebrated as formidable, te-
tally positive (Diner. 1983; McGoldrick. 1996; nacious, and powerful rulers from the time of
McKenna. 1979: Rudd. 1984; Scheper-Hughes. ancient Irish legends (MacCurtain & O'Corrain.
1979). She might be sanctimonious, preoccupied 1978). This tradition must be combined with aware-
with black-and-white categories of right and wrong ness of the 900-year history of Irish oppression,
and with what the neighbors think, consciously which was focused especially on Irish men, who
withholding praise from her children for fear it were systematically deprived of any sense of
would give them "a swelled head." Of course, this power and often turned to drink to blot out what
pattern makes sense in a culture with such a long was happening to them. Drink became institution-
history of foreign domination, in which the mother alized in the culture as an acceptable form of es-
sought control through whatever means were cape. Women were forced to run their families, and
available to her and felt the need to keep her family it is no wonder that they turned to their sons with
in line to minimize the risk of their being singled the dreams their beaten-down husbands could not
out for further oppression. fulfill. They turned to their daughters to carry on
Sons and daughters rarely voice resentment with and after them.
toward their mothers. To do so is to risk guilt and to As a result of the need of the Irish for ambig-
undermine their admiration for her stoic self-sacri- uous communication and ambivalence about self-
fice. For generations. Irish women held a certain assertion, parents may indirectly belittle a child for
moral authority in their families, including control "putting himself ahead" while in the same breath
of the family money, even while being powerless chiding him for not being more aggressive and
in the larger context of the church and being unable achievement oriented. Irish mothers tend to dote
to eam much money, except in low-paying jobs as on them and drawing

their sons, overprotecting
caretakers or servants. Children tend to speak of them into powerful bonds, more intense than their
"my mother's house." dismissing the role of the fa- marital tie. Sons might be pampered and protected
ther (Diner. 1983). Irish mothers often fail to rec- much longer than daughters, and in traditional
ognize their own strength or ability to intimidate Irish families, they were called "boys" way into
their children, whether through teasing, ridicule, a adulthood, probably largely because of the eco-
disapproving glance, or a quick hand. nomic oppression that gave them no avenue to
leave the parental home. A very high percentage of or "inferior to" themselves. Thus, parents may crit-
Irish men never married at all, and those who did icize children for "marrying up" and putting on
were sometimes thought of as "married bache- airs (which usually means marrying an Anglo) or
lors," more loyal to their mothers than to their may criticize them for "marrying down." Both of
wives (Connery, 1970). Conversely, Irish parents these parental reactions are deeply rooted in ten-
have tended to underprotect their daughters, treat- sions stemming from the Irish history of oppression
ing them like sisters and often not allowing them by the British, which left them with a deep sense of
much of a childhood by raising them to be overre- inferiority. When Irish children reach their mid-
sponsible and self-sufficient, like the mothers twenties or older, they may begin to resent the fam-
themselves (Byrne & McCarthy, 1986). This fail- ily's patterns of denial and emotional suppression.
ure to protect daughters teaches them to repress Such resentments may be evident in their young
personal needs and contributes to an ongoing fatal- adult relationships with others. The resentments that
ism, emotional repression, and stoicism in the next Irish children have buried since childhood often
generation of women. Irish women have little ex- continue into adulthood without realization that res-
pectation of, or interest in. being taken care of by a olution is possible.
man. Their hopes are articulated less often in ro- Resentments and distancing may become
mantic terms than in aspirations for self-suffi- more intense throughout the adults' life, especially
ciency. They are often reluctant to give up their if parents' subtle disapproval continues or if adult
freedom and economic independence for marriage children assume caretaking responsibilities for their
and family responsibilities. Generally, father- parents. Unlike other children who are freer to ex-
daughter relationships are distant, possibly because press their resentments, Irish children may be ex-
the father fears that closeness will be confused tremely sensitive to perceived slights, such as favors
with trespass of sexual boundaries. Moreover, Irish shown to siblings, or other imagined wrongs. They
families are not very good at differentiating among may never confront the parent or the sibling with
anger, sexuality, and intimacy. A father may main- their feelings, dutifully continuing their caretaking
tain distance from his daughter or perhaps be sar- responsibilities while maintaining tense silence
castic and teasing, not because such behavior with regard to their emotional wounds.
reflects his true feelings but because he does not As parents age, intimacy may not increase.
know how to approach her. Even unmarried children who continue to be emo-
With a son, a father may share sports, work, tionally and physically tied to their parents while
and jokes, although the teasing and ridicule that outwardly denying dependence may be shut
this
are so common in Irish parent-child relationships down in terms of their emotional connectedness.
may be very painful to sons as to daughters. Some The mother may maintain her matriarchal role
Irish fathers remain silent, almost invisible, in the while being unaware of the hold she has on her
family. Another common pattern is the father who family because inwardly she feels that hold slip-
is jovial or silent except when drinking, at which ping. Placing a parent in a nursing home may be
time he becomes a fearsome, intimidating, larger- acceptable to both children and parents because
than-life antagonist, who returns to his gentler self the parents prefer to "suffer alone" and not become
when sober with no acknowledgment of this trans- a burden to their children.
formation. Children are kept off guard in such re- It is also extremely important to frame obser-
lationships. They may be drawn to the humor and vations, especially regarding family members' in-
fun, yet terrified of the unpredictable and violent tentions, as positively as possible while gently
moods. helping them to move beyond denial. A little assis-
Resentment over class differences may sur- tance will go a long way with Irish family mem-
face when Irish children marry. The Irish tend to bers in dealing with intergenerational problems.
measure others hierarchically as being "better than" The Irish are generally cooperative, especially if
80 CHAPTER 4
therapy gives them a concrete sense of what they lution. In fact, advertisements for brides place a
can do. It is often preferable to interview the gen- high price on light-skinned women who have a
erations, and even sometimes each parent, sepa- green card. These ideals are carried into the accul-
rately to help them avoid embarrassment in telling turation process. Thus, Asian Indian immigrants
their story. move more readily toward white Americans than
nonwhites and teach their children to passively
learn to succeed in work. This response to obedi-
ASIAN INDIAN FAMILIES
ence, which is a deeply held value, works against
In the past ten years, Asian Indian immigration to children and adults in many aspects of their lives.
the United States has been opened to nonprofes- One example is the commonly held view that
sional classes. Twenty years ago, families immi- Asians embrace the work ethic. This pits these
grating here were primarily of the professional families against other minorities and immigrants in
class. Today, however, the influx of uneducated ways that isolate them further in the acculturation
families settling into menial jobs has created many process. Asian Indian experiences of racism are
problems similar to those experienced by earlier generally not talked about, as though acknowledg-
groups of immigrants from other countries. ment of racism might connect them with others
Despite the intersecting influences of caste, who are similarly discriminated against. Although
region, and religion, predictable intergenerational work and educational opportunities are available
conflicts emerge among family members. Rela- to all, women and lower-caste men have fewer
tionships within and across generations are influ- choices regarding marriage partners and economic
enced by beliefs in caste and karma. These beliefs choices. Such contradictions are pervasive and are
are pervasive despite the diversity among Asian In- explained in terms of karma.
dians in the "old country" and in the United States Karma focuses on past and future life space.
(Malyala, Kamaraju, & Ramana, 1984). However, Current life dilemmas are explained in terms of
the degree to which these beliefs affect adaptation karma. For example, a wife who is mistreated by
to life in Western society is influenced by level of her in-laws might say, "I must deserve this for
education and acculturation (Matsuoka, 1990; Se- something bad I did in a past life. If I endure my
gal, 1991). For example, an educated family living current life, Iknow I will be taken care of by God
in this country for ten to twenty years will adapt to in a future life." Making choices to alter current
Western values around education and socialization life struggles is possible within this belief system
for their children. However, they frequently revert but often occurs in extreme forms. Such choices
back to Indian values as the marriage of a child consist of sacrificial actions that alter one's current
approaches. life and thus are meaningful. Fasting, praying, so-
Hindu culture portrays women in paradoxical matic complaints, head shaving, and suicide alter
positions. Women are sacred in the afterlife, yet karma and move one toward a better life. In work
they are devalued in present life (Almeida, 1990; with Asian Indian clients, therapists might suggest
Bumiller, 1990; Wadley, 1977). Although men share culturally appropriate constructions of less de-
power with women in the scriptures, in present life structive solutions such as limited fasting, praying,
the male-centered family system exerts enormous meditating, or even haircutting.

social and economic power over women and chil- Intergenerational patterns are embedded and
dren. With its concepts of "purity" and "pollution," negotiated within a collective consciousness. For
the caste system shapes both intragenerational and example, a young woman leaving for college
intergenerational relationships. Prejudices related thinks about her decision as pleasing to her par-
to lighter versus darker shades of skin color are ents, grandparents, siblings, and, lastly, herself.
deeply embedded within the culture, light skin Therefore, any exploration of her ambivalence to-
symbolizing purity and dark skin symbolizing pol- ward this decision must include discussion of the
CULTL'RE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 81
implications ot" the decision for famih and com- cally and administratively for parents, but it is al-
munity relationships. Relationships are other- ways his w lfe who does the actual caretaking in the
directed rather than self-centered. Spirituality and home.

simplicity are applauded, and famih -centered de- Child-rearing is a shared responsibility of the
cisions take priority over mdisidual preferences. women in the male-oriented extended-family sys-
Within the famih o\ origin, older men assume tem. These women can be aunts or friends of the
decision-making authority ova all members of the famih from India who visit for extended periods
family. Fathers are responsible for the education, during the family's initial years of child-rearing.
economics, and values of their male children and When young mothers are forced to parent without
for the care of their elderly parents. Emotional this extended- km ship system, children are more at
connectedness between sons and fathers, as well as risk because family conflicts tend to be expressed
among other extended family members, is not ex- in the mother-child dyad rather than in the marital
pected. However, intimacy between the son and dyad.
mother is emphasized. Fathers are responsible for Power in Western marriages is directly con-
their daughters" dowry and marriage: uncles or nected to the economic resources of each partner.
older male siblings take on this responsibility in This notion of power and relationships is less ap-
the event of a father's death. Mothers expect their plicable to Asian Indian families because a cou-
sons to control their wives with regard to money, ple's economic resources are distributed across the
work, and social activities. Older women gain sta- extended male-oriented family system (Conklin.
tus and power through the mother-in-law role: 1988). Unlike the white. American, middle-class
younger women are socialized by their mothers nuclear famih. in which marriage stands at the
and sisters to idealize the role of mother-in-law. center of the family system, men and their mothers
The cultural system (i.e.. caste and karma with are at the center of the Asian Indian family system.
their values of tolerance and passivity), supported The mother-son tie is prominent in both Hindu and
by the male family lineage (endorsing tolerance Christian Asian Indian families (Almeida. 1996:
and passivity), embraces this process. In this sys- de Souza. 1975). Sons provide their mothers and
women realize power by exerting control over
tem, grandmothers with the ultimate pride and status af-
women of lesser status. Caretaking of grandchil- forded women in this life (Issmer. 1989). Young
dren and food preparation are used as covert means wives do not participate in this system of power,
of gaining power in family relations. A mother-in- even when they contribute economically to the
law, in charge of preparing food while the daugh- family unit Chakrabortty. 1978).
I
ter-in-law works, might cook only according to her Marriage is complicated by overarching prob-
son's desires. Young children are generally over- lems of caste, dowry, expensive weddings, and ar-
protected by grandparents while being taught to re- ranged marriages, which are common among
spect their elders. Children are taught to avoid Indians in the United States as well as in India.
direct eye contact with their elders and to avoid When the family chooses to emphasize college ed-
disagreeing with them. Older sisters-in-law as- ucation over marriage, or if the child asserts his or
sume a degree of power over younger women en- her personal rights over the parents' choice of
tering the male-centered family system. mates or chooses career and money over marriage,
Education of male children is considered nec- major conflicts arise within the family system. Par-
essary for the economic needs of the entire family: ents expect daughters to be married between 18
education for female children increases their mar- and 22 years of age and sons between the ages of
ketability as brides. Aging parents are cared for 22 and 26. Many social gatherings by parents are
within the family by adult married male children spent planning and choosing possible mates for
and. in rare instances, by female children who have their children. Weddings are showcases for future
families of their own. The son provides economi- brides and their grooms. When marriage does not
82 CHAPTER 4
occur, parents lack a clear role in their adult child's there is a physically or developmentally delayed
life. This can be a devastating loss for parents, be- male child may present a range of psychological
cause this transition is so important for them. Mar- problems. The girls are often given an excess of
riage rather than education is the primary marker adult responsibilities, not rewarded for their
of the transition to adulthood. The process of dif- achievements, and isolated from their peers. Male
ferentiation of self from family, which has various children offer the family greater economic support
implications for Asian Indians as a result of their and thereby lead to better marital opportunities for
cultural norms, is particularly problematic at this the female children in the family. A woman's re-
stage. Despite their efforts to create choices for lationship with her mother-in-law may become
their sons and daughters, cultural expectations for strained and the marriage may suffer if she is infer-
arranged marriages take precedence. tile and thus does not meet the family's role expec-
An Asian Indian family entered therapy be- tations. Sons who cannot support the elderly family
cause of the 2 1 -year-old daughter's difficulty com- members, widowed mothers, or unmarried sisters
pleting her last semester of college. They expressed extort large dowries from their brides as solutions
their helplessness in dealing with her launching. to this intergenerational legacy (Ramu, 1987).
The mother said, "Shiva is very immature and irre- These intergenerational patterns often conflict
sponsible; it worries me that she does not know the with Asian Indian acculturation (Sluzki, 1979). Al-
meaning of money or getting a job, and yet she is though most Asian Indians accommodate to the
about to graduate. I think of her as a selfish brat work ethic and value of education, they maintain
sometimes. She says she is not ready to think about strong cultural ties to Asian Indian concepts of
marriage, and I believe it sometimes, but all of our marriage, child-rearing, parenting, and the sharing
friends and relatives think I am being neglectful in and allocation of economic resources.
my responsibility to find her a nice man. If she Western values of privacy and individualism
waits until she is 30, then by the time she is 40, conflict with Indian values of collectivity and fam-
when she should be taking care of us, she and her ily-centeredness. In the context of separation, less
husband will still have the responsibility of young acculturated families view adolescent and young
children. I might be too old to be the kind of grand- adult struggles around independence as disloyal
parent I have to be. Of course, know 1 that if Shiva cutting off from the family and culture. When
gets married, then I will be pushing her to give me Asian Indians speak of respect, they mean obedi-
grandchildren, so I suppose I have to trust that my ence to the family and culture. Similarly, it is diffi-
husband's and my choice to provide her with some cult for them to comprehend that some aspects of
independence will keep her loyal to our expecta- the Western ideal of love includes separation and
tions as well." independence from the family of origin. For Asian
An Asian Indian woman's status within the Indians, the concept of love includes loyalty and
family is determined by the gender order of her control (Mukherjee, 1991).
children. First-born males are preferred. First-born Families are most likely to enter treatment
females are vulnerable to conflict between the through referral by outside organizations, such as
mother and her in-laws and are perceived as dimin- schools and physicians, although in recent years,
ishing the father's status with the deities. However, couples have entered therapy because of troubled
a second-born male child helps to normalize the sit- marriages. Practitioners need to determine how the
uation. For many families a second-born female presenting problem fits with the belief system of
child following a first-born female child is at risk the dominant culture by considering the following
for premature death through malnutrition and factors:
abuse, even in the United States, if the family does

not have sufficient emotional, social, and economic • Life-style in India before coming to the
support. Many female children in homes where United States, to assess similarity to and dif-
ference from current lite-style as well as sta- and daughters should obey." The emotional diffi-
tus and stor\ of immigration. even w hen they are se-
culties of sons are ignored
• Household composition, social organization. vere. Since emotions are neither identified nor
and domestic functioning and activities. (Con- acknowledged, families should be encouraged to
cept of household may include relatives in In- speak about their problems within the context of
dia and in-laws here, i their immigrant story and cultural heritage. Thera-
• Religious affiliation. pists must address family members' sense of loss
• Details and status of arranged marriage as it over leaving home w hile struggling to be success-
relates to current intergenerational anxieties ful in their new country. Engaging the women in
(marital satisfaction, as defined by dowry sta- stories and myths about strong Asian Indian
tus, negotiation of second-shift" responsibil- women can help them to achieve balance in their
ities) when women work out of the home, new culture (Almeida, 1996). Therapists should
money, child-rearing, emotional nurturing, encourage families to discuss these experiences
and social activities. and identify their feelings so that families do not
• Relationship of couples to the in-law system, split their emotions from real life. Splitting has al-
especially that of the husband. lowed men and women to uphold values of toler-
• Young men's and women's, as well as chil- ance and passivity even when such values are not
dren's, sense of physical beauty in a culture in their best interests. Therapists must inquire into
that values and often eroticizes white-skinned the family's beliefs about tolerance (caste) and fate
beauty and a caste system that embraces these (karma). Asian Indians will not freely discuss
values. these cultural beliefs unless they are specifically
asked about them. Their responses might be
Clinical observations reveal that Asian Indians couched in laughter, denial, or awkw ardness. Gen-
do not remain in therapy for long (six to nine tle and respectful persistence will facilitate en-
months is typical ). Therapists can help families with gagement of the family.
children to work through intergenerational conflicts
by helping them to examine the underlying assump-
JEWISH FAMILIES
tions of individualism and self-determination as
they relate to success and achievement and eliciting Judaism has the unusual distinction of being both a
examples of individualism that demonstrate disre- religion and an ethnic identity (Farber. Mindel. &
gard for others (e.g.. talking back, visiting friends Lazerwitz. 1988). Jews, who have a long tradition
whose parents are unknown to the family, not ac- of intellectual debate and dialogue, carry on a
counting for small amounts of money spent, talking never-ending discussion about who is a Jew and
on the telephone ) in contrast w ith examples of indi- what it means to be a Jew. This debate has been en-
vidualism that are positive (e.g.. good study habits, gendered in part by the Jewish history of exclu-
doing chores, spending allowances wisely, using sion, discrimination, and wandering, culminating
good judgment with friends and recreation). Such in the Holocaust and the founding of Israel. An
w ork allows parents to promote their children's suc- waves of Jewish immigrants entered the United
cess while simultaneously addressing concerns re- States, including early settlers from German) w ho
garding family disloyalty. Work with couples and were relatively wealthy and assimilated, the poor
in-law systems must empower women and help and less assimilated (more observant) Eastern Eu-
men to find constructive solutions that will support ropeans before and after World War I. Holocaust
their nurturing of their partners w hile they maintain survivors, and. most recently. Russian and Israeli
loyalties tow ard their families of origin. Jews, the question of essential Jewishness has con-
Asian Indians address their problems within tinued to be debated. This is a legacy that has led to
the hierarchv of '"father knows best" and "mothers sensitivity over issues of discrimination and a
84 CHAPTER 4
sense of being "other." Although "Jewishness" Regardless of geographic distance, maintain-

may not be apparent to the outsider, most Jews are ing close family ties is important to Jewish fami-
sensitive to interactions that might be perceived as lies. It is useful for the therapist to identify family
anti-Semitic and may adopt a defensive posture members who are critical to the treatment process
that seems inexplicable to non-Jews. but who are not immediately available. Soliciting
Jews in the United States have been both fear- their involvement as consultants (through inclu-
ful of and fascinated by assimilation into main- sion in family sessions, a joint phone call, or a let-
stream culture (Rosen & Weltman, 1996). Many ter) can help to promote change.
families are overwhelmingly concerned that family Jewish families' focus on children, particu-
members marry within the faith or, if members larly their education and nurturing, can be a mixed
marry outside the faith, that they maintain their blessing. Children are expected to be a source of
Jewish traditions. A primary concern for many par- pride and pleasure for parents and grandparents.
ents who move to a new community is whether However, children may find it difficult to be the
their children will have other Jewish children with focus of so much attention, with so many people
whom to play and date. The issue is further compli- having an expressed point of view. Young people
cated by the diversity of Jewish religious practice; may find it difficult to operate independently in
acceptable Jewishness in one family may be con- their own interests. Separation and individuation
sidered too assimilated or too religious in another. are difficult to achieve if the family has rigid def-
Families often enter treatment to deal with initions of acceptable and successful behaviors.
conflicting feelings with regard to intermarriage, Young Jewish men and women often enter treat-
which may be perceived as destroying the integrity ment because they are having difficulty dealing
of the family and the faith. Generally, the families' with issues of enmeshment. Parents may perceive
most immediate concerns revolve around who, if themselves as being generous and supportive and
anyone, will be expected to convert, who will per- feel hurt by their children's efforts to become
form the wedding, and how the grandchildren will more independent. Reframing and relabeling their
be raised. Intermarriage is often felt to be a failure adult children's need to separate as successful and
on the part of the parents, who somehow should productive behavior can be an effective treatment
have prevented it from happening. Such feelings approach.
exist even in families that are culturally rather than The changing mores of late twentieth-century
religiously observant Jews and are not affiliated American life have been stressful for Jewish fami-
with a synagogue. lies. Traditionally, Jewish women were expected to
When intermarriage is an issue, it is important stay home, complying with the dictum to "be fruit-
that the therapist attempt to gather concerned fam- ful and multiply." Jewish law has rigidly defined
ily members together. The parent or grandparent rules for men's and women's behavior, women
who is most upset may be the most difficult to en- having a minor function in religious ritual in the
gage. Because Jews traditionally have had a high synagogue. Reform and Conservative congrega-
regard for discourse and the transmission of cul- tions have opened all aspects of religious obser-
tural tradition and history, it can be helpful to re- vance to women, including being ordained as a
view family history and to engage the family in rabbi; in contrast, Orthodox Jews continue to
searching for others within the extended family for maintain strict adherence to the teachings of the
whom intermarriage did not result in leaving the Talmud, the traditional compendium of Jewish law
faith. Jewish families respond well to information that was written over a 500-year period during the
and the sharing of stories; therefore, referral to a first millennium. Although many Jewish laws con-
support group and/or interfaith classes run by Re- cerning gender roles are barely observed in all but
form synagogues or other Jewish organizations Orthodox families, these laws still have a subtle in-
can be effective. fluence on role definition and expectations.

In Jewish families, women have traditionally tive Jews follow. Intergenerational conflict may
held power at home while the husband faced the arise over the perceived religious laxity or conser-
work world and the synagogue. Jewish mothers vatism of family members. Parents may be disap-
have been responsible for maintaining religious pointed if their adult child chooses not to be
tradition and culture. However, because many Jew- affiliated with a synagogue or chooses not to have
ish women were employed outside the home dur- a bar mitzvah for their grandson or a bat mitzvah
ing the Depression in the 1930s, many families for their granddaughter when they turn 13.
remember grandmothers or other female relatives Conversely, some young people have become
who worked, generally out of necessity. Their more observant of the Jewish faith than their fam-
daughters were primarily homemakers, and their ilies, perhaps joining an Orthodox congregation
granddaughters now expect themselves to be and living in a style that is foreign to their families.
"supermoms" (Hyman. 1991 ). The dilemma faced Grandchildren's being unable to eat in their grand-
by all three generations (and now the fourth) has parents' non-kosher home can have a profound ef-
been how to reconcile social expectations with cul- fect on intergenerational relationships. Conflicts in
tural expectations. Women who saw their mothers some families may occur if younger family mem-
struggling to support the family during the Depres- bers emigrate to Israel, thus separating parents
sion came to value their homemaker role. Their from their children and grandchildren. Families
granddaughters have aspired to raise their family may enter treatment to deal with feelings of loss
while participating in the professional world. Is- and may need help in developing new ways to in-
sues faced by American women in the 1980s and teract and to develop rituals that accept the differ-
1990s have been especially complicated for Jewish ences in religious observance and practice.
women because of the emphasis Jewish culture The influx of immigrants from the former So-
places on education, social consciousness, and tra- viet Union that began in the mid-1970s has signif-
dition. In some situations, it may be the grand- icantly changed the face of the American Jewish
mother or great-grandmother who can serve as a community. Many of these families have come to
role model for both working and maintaining a the United States with little knowledge of Judaism,
family. having been victims of anti-Semitism and State-
Significant shifts in the role of the Jewish hus- declared atheism. Because of financial and living
band/father have also occurred. Jewish men have conditions it was not unusual for three generations
experienced discrimination and violence in the of the family to live together and depend on each
larger community. Traditionally, their home has other: this pattern has frequently persisted in the
been the place where they expected to achieve re- United States and can lead to complex intergener-
spect and authority. When both spouses work, the ational patterns of relating (Feigen. 1996).
father may be called upon or may wish to be a Jewish families tend to seek expert opinions
more active parent than was his father. However, and may ask a therapist many questions about pro-
when he does take an active role, he risks the dis- fessional degrees and competence. Although such
approval of his own parents, who may be uncom- inquiries may make practitioners feel uncomfort-
fortable in seeing him in an unconventional role. able and challenged, they may help clients to feel
The extended family may also not be supportive of more comfortable in therapy. Directing Jewish
these changes. families to appropriate reading materials about
Religious observance is another source of in- problems can be helpful because Jews tend to
tergenerational conflict. The majority of Jews in value being well-informed.
the United States are affiliated with Reform con- Jews have been avid consumers of psycho-
gregations, which do not follow many of the laws therapy, in part as a result of their comfort with
(for example, keeping kosher, not driving or work- discourse, their search for solutions, and the ex-
ing on the Sabbath) that Orthodox and Conserva- pectation that family life should follow predefined
86 CHAPTER 4
rules (Rosen & Weltman. 1996). However, exten- Families may need to be reminded that the goal of
sive analysis does not always lead to resolution of therapy is not to tell a good story or to be "right" in
problems. The therapist may find structural inter- the eyes of the therapist, but to resolve the con-
ventions and assigned tasks helpful in challenging flict or assuage the pain that brought the family
verbal interactions that have not led to change. to therapy.
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Chapter 5
SOCIAL CLASS AND THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
JODIE KLIMAN
WILLIAM MADSEN
In class-stratified society, social class shapes all do not expect the parents of 18-year-olds to be
families' lives, influencing the range, timing, and their grandchildren's caregivers. Class intensifies
nature of their choices. Ideas about class and its im- or softens the impact of seemingly unrelated fam-
pact on family life are often vague, contradictory, ily crises, such as divorce, abuse, disability, or un-
unexamined, and unspoken. Dominant U.S. dis- timely death.

course silences discussion of class, acknowledging People living in relation to different class nar-
only extremes of wealth or poverty. Contradictory ratives and contexts make different meaning of be-
myths that our society is classless and that anyone ing a 6-year-old or a 17-year-old, her parent or
can be upwardly mobile obscure and strengthen grandparent, or the child of a 70-year-old. Class-
the shaping power of class. Therapists must listen based assumptions inform negotiations of obliga-
for both dominant and marginalized ideas about tion and privilege between generations. The age at
class's influence on the life cycle, exploring how which people "should" become responsible for
families make meaning of their experiences and re- themselves, children, parents, or extended kin var-
late class to the paths they travel together. ies with economic and social circumstances. Class
This chapter adds a class perspective to an in- standing and intervals between generations change
creasingly complex understanding of the family when the youngest of six children in a working-
life cycle as embedded in multiple cultural con- class family becomes the first to go to college, de-
texts (Carter & McGoldrick, 1988). Mindful of the lay marriage, and have his first child at the age
risks of stereotyping when incorporating class when his father had his last. They change when a
considerations of the family life cycle,we seek to breadwinner's early death brings poverty.
avoid oversimplified generalizations as we attend Class-influenced narratives permeate expec-
to the central role of class in the shape and timing tations of family life: when and if children leave
of movement through the family life cycle. Com- home, whether youths have time or money to "find
plex circumstances define the unique twists, turns, themselves," and even how long people live.
dead-ends, and open spaces of any one family's These narratives —received or created, consistent
life. Some circumstances are clearly functions of or contradictory — on generations of
build learning
class. Poor families do not expect grandparents to about class and the family life cycle. Because
help with down payments; middle-class families dominant U.S. discourse denies class, families and
therapists may not see family experiences as being
about class. Social class nevertheless shapes the
We thank David Trimble and Kathy Weingarten for invalu-
timings, expectations, and cautionary tales of op-
able conceptual and stylistic ideas and Laura Chasin. Jeffrey
Kerr, and Michele Bograd for helpful conversation on class portunity and risk that families carry through their
and families. lives (Fulmer, 1988; Stack & Burton, 1993). Class
88
—
SOCIAL CLASS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 89
narratives contribute to family, network, and com- As the income gap widens, the wealthy suc-
munity stories about what is possible, acceptable, cessfully lobby for huge tax breaks in personal and
or conceivable (Kliman. !998:Madsen. 1996). corporate income, capital gains, and estate taxes.
In 1 959, personal income over $400,000 per year
was taxed at 9 1 percent, creating a de facto income
cap. By the 1990s, the top tax rate had declined to
UNDERSTANDING SOCIAL CLASS
31 percent (Barlett & Steele, 1994). Yet from 1993
Therapists" understanding of class evolves with to 1997 alone, states erased 3 million people from
the class and cultural narratives of our families and the welfare rolls without tracking whether they
networks. They change as the shifting economy were employed above the poverty line (Jackson,
transforms family life cycle challenges for our 1997) or at all. Popular views of a morally neutral
family, community, and professional lives. Our cli- continuum (upper, upper-middle, middle, lower-
ents" and colleagues' class experiences challenge middle, and lower socioeconomic status) overlook
and add to our understanding. As part of a society the relationship of one class's wealth and privilege
which mystifies class, we cannot know what social to another class's poverty and oppression. The
class is, but we can explore its workings and its in- "upper" classes benefit from an exploitative class
tersection with the family life cycle. relationship with those "below." Class stratifica-
Class is a difficult concept to define. It in- tion is a predictable structural outcome of free-
volves multiple relationships to economic and so- market, capitalist society, along with the patriar-
cial phenomena, including race, ethnicity, religion. chy, racism, and colonialism on which our society
gender, sexuality, geography, and mental and is founded.
physical ability. Prevailing definitions of class are Class definitions are context sensitive. Money
inadequate. When dominant U.S. discourse does defines class, as do inconsistently invoked criteria
acknowledges class inequality, it decontextualizes of social status including ethnicity, religion, and
it, explaining class standing with individual at- education. A professor is seen as being in a higher
tributes, as if laziness, ignorance, dependence, and class than a contractor who has equal income
depravity cause poverty while initiative, talent, and unless the professor is a Latina single mother and
competitiveness generate wealth. A contradictory the contractor is an Anglo-American man from "an
explanation suggests a natural order of things: "We old family." Women's and children's class stand-
will always have the poor among us.*' Such expla- ing plummets after divorce. A Black executive has
nations obscure the fact that one's economic and less effective class standing than White subordi-
social circumstances exist in relation to those of nates when trying to hail a cab, join a country club,
others: privileged classes live well at others' ex- buy an elegant house, or ensure his children's class
pense. In 1989. the top 1 percent of the nation's stability. In restaurants or hotels. Whites may ask
households owned 48 percent and the top 20 per- him to serve them. Popular descriptions of people
cent owned 93 percent of U.S. wealth, or the sum who speak with their mouths full or ornately deco-
of one's assets (bank accounts, insurance, inheri- rate their homes and bodies as having "no class" re-
tances, investments, real estate, etc.) minus one's flect a troubling discourse in which the trappings of
debts. The bottom 20 percent, owing more than class privilege carry moral and aesthetic superiority.
they owned, held -2.3 percent of the wealth (Sklar. Familiar categories of class do not hold up in
1995. p. 6). As the economy shifts its resources up- complex, rapidly changing postindustrial society.
ward, this inequity grows. In 1960. the ratio of av- Although no schema can adequately reflect current
erage CEO income to average worker income was economic structures' intricate connections with
41:1 (Sklar. 1995, p. 10). By 1996. it had soared to other social structures, we provisionally describe
209: 1, by far the highest ratio in the industrialized the following classes, in order of descending ac-
world (Reingold. 1997). cess to power and resources: the business-owning
90 CHAPTER 5
class, the professional-managerial class, the work- many professional-managerial workers find them-
ing class, and the underclass, all of which stand in selves less fulfilled and more overworked as they
relation to each other. lose economic stability and autonomy and have
The business-owning class (or capitalist class) more experiences in common with the working
owns the vast bulk of the nation's wealth and has class.
more political power and influence than all other The less privileged among the so-called "mid-
"interest groups" combined. The very top 1 to 2 per- dle class" are better described as the working class,
cent (also called the ruling class) of this class are traditionally divided into white-, blue-, and, more
the wealthiest owners of big business. Almost ex- recently, pink-collar workers. These divisions blur
clusively Anglo American (British American) and somewhat as service work and skilled technical
almost exclusively Protestant, their "old money" work replace factory work, working-class women's
and power go back many generations. The other job possibilities expand, white-collar jobs require
members of the business-owning class own large college, and real wages fall. Education and eco-
and medium-size businesses that produce services nomic stability provide the best distinction be-
(including professional services such as for-profit tween the upper (white-collar) and lower (blue-
health care, major law firms, or entertainment) or and pink-collar) ranks of the working class. The
goods. They are predominantly White Protestants. latter are more vulnerable to underemployment.
Even the richest people of color and non-Protes- Many working-class families live in grinding pov-
tants in the Fortune 1000 have less prestige and in- erty, with low wages and no benefits. The work
fluence than monied Anglo-American Protestants, ethic is highly valued for this class, but expecta-
whose go deep. The business-owning
class roots tions for work satisfaction are low.
class depends on the work of the classes below The underclass consists of permanently un-
them for its income and personal maintenance. employed, or illegitimately employed people liv-
—
Most Americans from prosperous business ing outside the mainstream economy and often
owners to the working poor — define themselves outside the work ethic. They include those living
and are defined as "middle-class," so the term has without hope in communities whose employment
little descriptive value. We therefore divide this base and social grounding have disappeared (Wil-
confounding identification into two distinct classes. son, 1996). Some operate in an underground econ-
We use Ehrenreich's (1989) professional manage- omy of drugs, weapons, the sex trade, and violent
rial class to describe the more privileged portion crime, often imprisoned, occasionally achieving
of those popularly called the "middle class." The some wealth. They also include the disabled, dis-
work of the professional-managerial class supports turbed, or traumatized living on (or off) public as-
the economic and cultural status quo. This class in- sistance (Inclan and Ferran, 1990).
cludes small and family business owners, manag- Class weaves into personal, family, and com-
ers, salaried or self-employed professionals, highly munity ties to local, national, and global econo-
educated technical workers, academics and the in- mies. The extent to which work is alienating or
telligentsia, elected officials, and mid- to high-level self-determining, nonexistent, dead-end, or hope-
government bureaucrats. Even wealthy members of ful, shapes narratives of self, family, and commu-
this class, unlike business owners, do not control nity, delineating one's expectations of life (Wilson,
the means of their production. Entertainers, ath- 1996). Job and salary define one's place in the
letes, and writers who make millions at the peak of economy, as do inheritances, unearned income,
their careers can become unmarketable with age, consumption, job security, and debt.
credit lines,
disability, or new trends. This class places great So do accessibility and security of employment
value on career (as opposed to job or income); in re- and how many paychecks one is from homeless-
cent decades, paid work has been recognized as ness. Beliefs about education, intergenerational re-
fulfilling for both genders. Concurrently, however, sponsibilities, when (or if) to start work or retire.
SOCIAL CLASS AND THE K-XMILY LIFE CYCLE 91
and who cares for the elderly ill are forged in ear- to care for siblings. A stockbroker has his assistant
lier generations" class contexts but shift with eco- update his Web site and help his teenaged son
nomic realities. A familv 's place in the economv is brow se the Web for summer travel in the time that
also defined by access to economic and social re- it takes an unskilled, unemployed father and his
sources, which are influenced by race, ethnicity, 20- year-old son to apply in person for three adver-
gender, sexual orientation, geographical region, tised minimum-wage jobs.
and physical and mental well-being. If equally Class involves a multilevel relationship be-
educated men of different races have different tween families and the economy. It intersects w ith
chances oi getting mortgages, good jobs, or dying community. Boyd-Franklin (1993 argued ) that def-
young, their families' life courses will diverge ac- initions of class vary across racial communities.
cordingly. Because men make more money than Poor Black communities, for example, may define
women and because gays and lesbians have less poor working families as middle-class because of
class privilege than heterosexuals, the children of their employment and "values, aspirations, and ex-
sisters who are partnered with a middle-class man pectations for their children" (pp. 363-364). Wil-
and a middle-class woman, respectively, are likely son (1996) argued that in depressed communities,
to have very different class experiences. The chil- people rarely can help each other to find jobs,
dren of a middle-class, divorced mother who is dis- school does not prepare students for the w orkforce.
abled by chronic illness may end up supporting her and people often lose the connection to legitimate
as young adults, rather than being supported by work "as a regular, and regulating force in their
her. lives [or] a central experience of adult life"
Class position regulates access to disposable (pp. 52-53i.
income. Preferential interest rates ensure that mon- Consider the family of a janitor and a hospital
ied people can borrow liberally, without debts aide. Living in the wife's parents' two-family
precluding retirement or inheritance. Class affects house on a gentrifying block, the couple are "poor
whether kin. neighbors, or paid caretakers help neighbors" whose children may be ashamed to
with children, the elderlv. or sick family members. bring home middle-class friends. In a ghetto or ru-
Class determines which adolescents drop out. work ral hamlet with dying schools, theirs would be
through college, help support the family, or expect a rare two-income household, and their children
parents to finance college, rent, and vacations. would be thought unusual for taking school seri-
Some parents can remove lead from their homes: ously. The future possibilities of families that are
others can only pray that toddlers won't suffer neu- exposed to such different realities would diverge
rological damage from eating lead paint chips, in- accordingly. In one community, this couple's son
tensifying family needs through the life cycle. In might become a teacher, father, and local activist
1996. 25 percent of all U.S. families had no health who them in old age: in another, he might
will help
insurance (Knox. 1996). further stressing and short- become a gang member, a drive-by shooting statis-
ening the lives of millions of working and unwill- tic, or a farm worker who is disabled on the job.
ingly unemployed families. The child of teachers at the edge of a ghetto whose
Class structure regulates access to infor- arson, drugs, and violence make their home un-
mation, connections, and influence. Mediocre stu- sellable and the child of drug dealers a few blocks
dents from "old money" gain entry to top colleges away are both (if not equally) at risk of underedu-
whose buildings are named for their ancestors. A cation. violence, or seduction by drugs or gangs.
professor gets a life-saving second medical opin- Class position and its meanings extend beyond the
ion and dances, thirty years later, at her grandson's household to social networks and beyond.
wedding. Her nanny, a single uninsured "illegal" In a racist and classist society, race and class
alien, is turned away at the emergency room and fundamentally organize family life: each shapes our
dies of a treatable illness, leaving her 17-year-old experience of the other (Kliman. 1994). Together.
92 CHAPTER 5
they fashion families' dilemmas and possibilities. better educated and more often employed than
Dominant U.S. discourse equates "White" with men of color, perhaps because they are less threat-
"middle-class" and "Black" with "poor." Recent ening to Whites (Boyd-Franklin. 1993; De La
attacks on affirmative action and welfare can be Cancela, 1991; see also Chapter 19). Because
read as coded racism and sexism. (Jackson, 1997). women get identified with their men's class status,
Racism inequitably impoverishes people of color women of all races who are single, divorced, wid-
and ensures that almost all the very wealthy are owed, or in lesbian couples have significantly
White. While 12 percent of Whites live under the lower income and status than those with male part-
poverty line, 15 percent of Asians and Pacific Is- ners (Penelope, 1994). Yet single-mother house-
landers, 3 1 percent of Latinos and Native Ameri- holds' greater poverty (U.S. Bureau of the Census,
cans, and 33 percent of African Americans do so 1994, p. 470) and stress levels are blamed on moth-
(Sklar, 1995, pp. 11-12; U.S. Bureau of the Cen- ers, not on capitalism, racism, patriarchy, or fathers
sus, 1994, pp. 475^176). As for children, 17 per- who don't support children.
cent of Whites, 40 percent of Latinos, and 47 Class and gender intersect differently for fam-
percent of Blacks live under the poverty line. ilies of different races. Unemployment, racism,
Among the aged, three times more Blacks than poverty, and violence reduce African American
Whites are poor (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1994. men's participation in family life; Black males
p. 476). Job and educational discrimination make ages 15-19 are shot to death ten times more often
"middle-class" status far less secure across the than their White peers; Black men ages 20-24 are
generations for people of color. Racial discrimina- fatally shot at eleven times the rate of their White
tion in education and decreasing job opportunities agemates (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1994.
for unskilled and semiskilled workers in postin- p. 101 ). Although these racial disparities disappear
dustrial society leave over 15 percent of adult and with higher class standing (Wilson. 1996), in 1989.
47 percent of adolescent Black men officially un- one fourth of all Black men in their twenties were
employed (Rubin, 1994). Still more are underem- incarcerated, on probation, or on parole, compared
ployed, no longer looking, or earning nearly one toone tenth of Latino men and one sixteenth of
third less than Whites (Rubin, 1994). White men (Sklar. 1995, pp. 120-121). Although
Patriarchy and class structure combine power- Black women more employable than Black
are
fully to shape family life, with different implica- men, coupling economic advantage: 15 per-
offers
tions for male and female family members. Al- cent of Black children in two-parent homes live on
though most women are employed (reflecting under $15,000, compared to 68 percent of those
economic necessity as much as changing gender living with mothers only (U.S. Bureau of the Cen-
politics), the glass ceiling is intact. Across class, sus, 1994, p. 66). These figures reflect the synergy
women, on whom the responsibilities for child of classism, racism, and sexism.
care or elder care and health emergencies usually
fall, earn less than men and account for most invol-
CLASS INFLUENCES ON THE FAMILY LIFE
untarily part-time and temporary workers. How-
CYCLE: CHALLENGES AND POSSIBILITIES
ever, the economic strain on female caretakers and
their families varies with class. Family illness can When many variables combine to shape family
mean long-term unemployment or exhausting dou- life, definitive statements about class-specific nor-
ble duty for working-class women, who cannot mative sequences and timings are properly sus-
call on paid help or voluntarily at-home relatives. pect. Nevertheless, experiences that are widely
Educational expectations and opportunities are shared within a social class contribute to class-in-
generally less for White women than for White fluenced narratives about family life cycle chal-
men. In a racist twist to sexism, however, women lenges, resources, constraints, and opportunities.
of color, although the lowest-paid of all groups, are These narratives in turn shape how. whether, and
SOCIAL CL \SS WD THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 93
when families prepare for and navigate develop- "cut-up" who is expelled from prep school for
mental milestones and dilemmas. Wealthier, more fighting is easily enrolled elsewhere, his college
educated people tend to enjoy healthier and longer career assured. The family of a young fighter in the
lives, have fewer children, and have children later, barrio visits —
him in prison or at graveside. Aging
w hen they are better prepared financially and eco- forces many working-class seniors into depen-
nomically, than do those with less privilege. Pov- dence on relatives, who may argue over caretaking.
erty hits the young hardest, with great impact on Old age inserts lawyers and financial advisors into
their famil\ lives; 22 percent of all children (some the triangles of the privileged, whose conflicts of-
of whom are themselves parents) live below the ten play out in financial realms. Class privilege
poverty lineiSklar. 1995, pp. 1 1-12). Note that the protects families from institutional scrutiny, (Im-
1993 poverty line for a family of four. SI 4.654 ber-Black, 1990). The White family of a surgeon
(Sklar. 1995, p. 12). doesn't account for soaring and a homemaker who is addicted to alcohol main-
housing, child care, and medical costs. Of all U.S. tain household and class position with discreet
homes with householders age 15 to 24. 38 percent help from paid caretakers, family, and friends. The
live in poverty, compared with 1 1 percent for Black children of a single mother who loses her
householders age 35 to 44 i U.S. Bureau of the sales clerk job to crack abuse take care of each
Census. 1994. p. 478). Obstacles to teen parents other until the school reports their neglect and they
graduating from high school and getting higher ed- are separated by foster care from mother, each
ucation cement their families* poverty. other, friends, kin. and school.
Class determines many of the options and Descriptions of the family experiences of dif-
resources that are available (and conceivable) for ferent social classes are necessarily imprecise.
coping with developmental challenges and unpre- Members of one family may follow different class
dictable crises throughout a family's life cycle. It trajectories. Family members may not hold "pre-
affects how families experience those challenges dictable" class values: some may identify more
and crises. Economic privilege buffers families with where they have been, others with where they
physically and psychologically against the stress- are going in relation to class. Some highly edu-
ful effects of death, divorce, illness, disability, and cated and privileged people live meagerly. either
trauma. Divorce deprives a realtor and her children involuntarily or for philosophical reasons. Many
of vacations and private college: it leaves their day- families would disagree with how we name their
care provider's family without heat, pushing the class position. Race, ethnicity, gender, sexual ori-
oldest child out of school and into a dead-end job. entation, religion, region, health, ability, and other
One quarter of the severely disabled live below the factors combine with class in many confusing
poverty line (U.S. Bureau of the Census. 1994. ways that go beyond the scope of this chapter.
p. 476). An elderly widow with a paid-off house
and investments can afford home health care: her
Underclass Families
children and grandchildren need not organize them-
selves around her care. In contrast, a family shar- The underclass includes families (not all poor) that
ing a grandmother's subsidized housing becomes participate in an underground economy, as well as
homeless on her death, and the mother, who had the chronically unemployed. Many poor people
already lost many work days because of the grand- are employed; some of what follows applies to
mother's illness, may be fired while apartment them. Deindustrialization and "exported" manu-
hunting. Homelessness makes regular school at- facturing have brought families whose working-
tendance impossible for the children, derailing their class roots influence their life cycle patterns into
hopes for finishing school. the ranks of the underclass.
Class position influences the institutional re- The compressed intervals between the gener-
sponses to major family events. A capitalist-class ations (Fulmer. 1988) of underclass families with
—
94 CHAPTER 5
short school careers and life expectancies have in an urban poverty zone were resigned to women
great life cycle impact. Thirtyish grandparents, dying by age 60 and men dying by age 21. A
middle-aged great-grandparents, or older siblings mother lamented, "I let go of my son last year. He's
and aunts often raise the small children of teen- 14 now. You might say he's grown. In my
aged girls. When there are no prospects for col- neighborhood . . . boys get killed or locked up
lege, marriage, or steady jobs, adulthood can it's a matter of time" (Burton, 1996b). One study
come with one's first child (or one's first criminal showed that in the previous six months, 61 percent
act), even at 13 or 14. Teen mothers, secondary of 150 expectant teen parents had friends jailed, 20
caretakers in their first children's early years, may percent had friends killed, and 10 percent had both
become primary parents to subsequent children, make babies
(Burton. 1996b). Such cruel statistics
perhaps setting up households with new partners more precious.
still
and all their children. Childbearing often precedes Compressed intervals create role ambiguity
marriage. Mothers, with or without partners, often and confusion for family members who must take
raise grandchildren or informally foster relatives' on responsibilities before they are ready (Burton,
and friends' children while their own children are 1996b; see also Chapter 19). Teens and their chil-
still at home (Fulmer. 1988: Stack & Burton, dren vie for the attention of grandmothers (whose
1993). The family life cycle implications of pa- more privileged age-mates may be just starting
rental responsibilities shifting between genera- families). Pubescent girls and their mothers may
tions and households, with half-siblings variously date young men of the same age. Girls face high
co-parented by grandmothers, fathers, stepparents, risk of sexual abuse by mothers' partners and other
each other, and relatives or friends, are enormously non-kin. Many are impregnated by adult men (U.S.
complex. Clearly, the notion of the "empty nest" Bureau of the Census. 1994, p. 76) who do not
does not apply. help with childrearing. Grandfathers, fathers, and
Burton (1996a) described three distinct family sons compete for grossly underpaid jobs or for
life cycle patterns in poor Black communities, drug-dealing territory. Most schools for the under-
which also apply to other races. In urban on-time class (and working poor) are overcrowded and ill-
normative childbearing with 20- to 23-year gener- equipped to teach children whose lives are long on
ations (also typical of working-class families), par- crisis and short on reason to hope. Up to 60 percent
ents have primary responsibility for children, and of students in poverty zones drop out by ninth
intergenerational assistance is mutual. In urban grade (Burton, 1996b) for the street (drugs, gangs,
early nonnormative childbearing, with 14- to 15- or prostitution); to care for siblings, drug-sick par-
year generations, grandmothers or great-grand- ents, or grandparents; or to renew the cycle by hav-
mothers hold primary responsibility for three or ing their own babies.
four generations. Young mothers, pressured by Poverty and oppression increase vulnerability
older boyfriends or eager for babies, may not ques- and exposure to chronic stressors that are impli-
tion this arrangement, which their elders generally cated in alcohol and drug abuse and other serious
find more burdensome than the on-time pattern. In health problems (see Chapter 19). Poor mothers,
rural early normative childbearing, teen parent- without adequate nutrition, lodging, or prenatal
hood is valued as it provides still-vigorous grand- care, are exposed to environmental hazards impli-
mothers with children to raise and allows teens to cated in infants' low birth weight, birth defects, re-
care for the ailing grandparents or great-grandpar- tardation, lead- or drug-related learning disabilities,
ents who raised them. These patterns reflect the addiction at birth, HIV, and fetal alcohol syndrome
systematic obstruction of the underclass from edu- (FAS) — all with terrible implications for individual
cation (including education about birth control), and family life, immediately and for generations to
decent wages, and hope for change. Burton (1996b) come. Children born with FAS and IV-drug-related
found that most families of expectant teen parents conditions are often mentally impaired, highly im-
SOCIAL CLASS AND THL FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 95
pulsive. and prone to addiction and often end up in job loss, or w idow hood can bring one or two gener-
jail. dead, and/or starting new and equally troubled ations back home after years of living away. Such
generations of children. Many, removed from their arrangements are consistent with the cultural norms
birth families in earl) childhood, bring major de- of main immigrant and first-generation Americans,
velopmental challenges to adoptive or foster fami- but families in dominant U.S. culture may regret
lies and never function as independent adults needing such arrangements. Whatever a particular
(Dorris. 1989). Furthermore, the medical needs of family's cultural narratives, the recent downward
children, the elderly, or the disabled, which are de- mobility of this entire class conflicts both with
manding enough for wealthier families, create prior generations' view of "success" (steady work,
even more stress when medical care, pharmacies, good wages, benefits, and a family home) and w ith
and even groceries are three bus rides away. television's glamorous images.
Grandchildren expectably arrive in the forties
in working-class families. Parents, although pri-
Working-Class Families
mary caretakers, are usually both employed and
Deindustrialization has radically altered working- rely on relatives for child care. Working-class
class family life. As unskilled and semiskilled women historically did paid work, but being at
work disappears, high school diplomas (once un- home was the post- World War II ideal, and the
necessary for working-class jobs) are becoming generations may differ over gender role expecta-
normative. Youthful responsibility and learning to tions. Middle-aged grandmothers (who may be
manage in an unfair and unforgiving work world employed) often juggle child care and keeping
are emphasized. Teens often work to pay for ex- house for husbands and grown children w ho live at
penses through high school, and older children home while working or going to school. They are
often carry responsibilities for housework and sib- also often involved in full- or part-time care for
lings. Adult status is conferred upon full-time em- elderly relatives and in-laws. As real wages decline
ployment and/or marriage. As hard work no longer and health and housing costs soar, retirement often
ensures decent income, more youths pursue and fi- comes later than age 65. with full- or part-time
nance higher education (often in state, community, work augmenting Social Security. Medicare, and
or technical schools). Those who delay parenthood pensions. Retirement is a shaky proposition for
for higher education elongate the intervals be- those who came of age w hen factory jobs assured a
tween generations. College can trigger family ten- lifelong career only to lose jobs and retirement se-
sions when family and community class (and curity to downsizing and the export of industry to
cultural) narratives include both valuing and suspi- developing nations. It is even shakier for the
cious messages about upward mobility ("Go to currently middle-aged, for whom retirement may
school to make a better life than we had —but don't bring the poverty that Social Security and Medi-
think you're better than us. or abandon us"). care were designed to prevent. The risk is still
Affordable housing and plentiful work en- greater for families that are grappling with occupa-
couraged post- World War II youths to leave home. tional health hazards or inadequate (or nonexistent)
Soaring housing costs and plummeting wages now insurance. Moreover, although younger relatives
keep them home, helping w ith finances and chores are generally responsible for the elderly, employed
until —and often after — marriage and children daughters (in-law) are now less available for their
in the early- to mid-twenties. (Marriage, if not daily care.
children, often comes later for African American
women than for other women. Working-class
) par-
Professional-Managerial-Class Families
ents often share parental authority and responsibil-
ity with grandparents and other relatives in the same Couples that are on dual-career fast-tracks may de-
building or neighborhood. Grown children's divorce, lay marriage and children until the mid-thirties or
96 CHAPTER 5
later (Fulmer, 1988), perhaps forming second, "help" to care for children, elders, and the chroni-
remarried families even later, when their own cally ill or disabled while parents are at work or
parents are past retirement age. Professional and play.
managerial-class families tend to view childhood

as a time for protection and indulgence (by family,
Business-Owning-Class Families
school, friends, and, often, paid helpers) and ado-
lescence and young adulthood as times of experi- The details of the family life cycle of the business-
mentation and individuation, relatively free of owning class (as well as of organized crime's up-
family or work obligation. This view, which is per ranks, who have high incomes but operate
historically recent (and only for the privileged within an underground economy) are less docu-
classes), informs dominant cultural ideas about mented than for other classes; class privilege as-
"normal development." sures privacy. Most families in this class are born
Families with adolescents expect an extended into it, but some begin in the working or profes-
familial subsidizing of education and training be- sional-managerial class and are catapulted up by
fore grown children start careers, marry, acquire the success of relatively small businesses. These
mortgages, and have children. Children usually go families may identify themselves as "upper-mid-
away to college (the more privileged go to prep dle-class," and their developmental patterns re-
school) and live separately, often with parental semble those of the upper professional-managerial
subsidies, while working or in graduate training. class, despite operating in an economically secure
However, young adults, squeezed between higher and rarified realm. Other families, of more "aristo-
housing costs and lower real wages, are increas- cratic" descent, have dissipated their resources and
ingly moving back home after school. Unlike their influence over generations. Comparing themselves
working-class peers, they tend to put their earn- to wealthier kin and neighbors, they may worry
ings toward consumer goods and entertainment about depleting principal for graduate school,
rather than into the family coffers. Families may never noting that higher education requires most
perceive this living arrangement as a family fail- families to go deeply into debt.
ure because home ownership was a given for the Business-owning-class families rely heavily
previous generation. Both generations may find it on paid help for managing family tasks. Parents,
difficult to negotiate the transition from parents children, and paid caretakers face particular chal-
supporting youths to young adults supporting lenges in navigating their changing relationships
themselves. across the family life cycle, when live-in servants
Grandparents, having enjoyed good health and/or boarding schools provide most child care.
care and relatively safe work, are typically health- (The families of live-in servants also face chal-
ier than in lower classes. They may engage in lenges, albeit very different ones.) When inter-
work, leisure, and volunteer activities long past action between parents and younger children is
"retirement" age, remaining independent until old- largely mediated by paid helpers, it may be diffi-
old age. Grandparents whose cultural values favor cult to deal directly with each other at later stages.
familial interdependence may occasionally or reg- Close relatives may find themselves separately
ularly perform child care. Some take care of aged managing death, illness, divorce, or even birth
or disabled relatives (whose life expectancies ex- without avenues for initiating intimate contact to
ceed those of the less privileged), although finan- ease the transition emotionally. The buffering ef-
cially ruinous long-term institutional or paid home fects of financial security, paid help, and pro-
care is becoming increasingly common as sick fessional advice, ease other aspects of such
people longer and more women are in the la-
live transitions. These families can support wide-rang-
bor force. Many families, particularly dual-career ing exploration of life choices for youths, without
or single-parent ones, depend on working-class financial worry. However, financial support may
SOCIAL CLASS AND THL l-'AMILY LII'E CYCLE 97
be coupled with demands for maintaining the fam- family members may be emotionally, but never fis-
ily legacy and daunting consequences (including cally, bereft.
disinheritance) for not meeting such class specifi-

cations as attending the "right" schools or "marry-
THREE FAMILIES
ing well." Options and expectations may differ for
the genders (if less so in recent years), men being The following three families entered therapy with
responsible for growing the family fortune and different class experiences, generating different
women for doing highly visible good works and family life cycle challenges. We invite you to con-
being decorative. sider how current and lingering class stories shape
The almost exclusively Anglo American Prot- their developmental challenges, resources, and
estant families at the top 1 to 2 percent of the social expectations. Consider how these families and
and economic pyramid, being even more socially their therapists respond to each other's understand-
insulated than the rest of the business-owning ings, for instance, of intergenerational expectations
class, are both more and less constrained by class through the family life cycle. Imagine how your
narratives about the family life cycle. These narra- own narratives might connect with theirs.
tives may reflect a long-established legacy as Jim and Abigail Sinclair, a CPA and a profes-
much as current circumstances. Business and so- sor, came to private therapy through their son's
cial obligations, travel, multiple households, and suburban school when Eddie's grades plummeted
the use of boarding school from a very early age (See Figure 5.1). They were distressed over his
make parents and relatives far less available to drug use, truancy, learning problems, and worsen-
children than is the case for other classes or even ing college prospects. Their daughter. Jean (age
most of the business-owning class. This arrange- 24), a law student, was insisting that they get tough
ment poses class-specific challenges for negotiat- with Eddie (age 17). She had been distant from her
ing parent-adult child and sibling relationships. parents since they had reluctantly acknowledged
When parents have not, directly and w ithout medi- Jean's partner, Linda, but threatened to stop paying
ation, supplied nurturance, discipline, or economic tuition if Jean came out to relatives. Jean's partner
support, their adult progeny may be less moved to and friends urged to her stand up to her family and
do work of renegotiating an adult relation-
the hard work her way through school. She resisted this ar-
ship with them. They may be more likely to do so gument, hoping to lose neither family nor financial
with siblings and cousins, with whom they share help. Meanwhile, Jim and Abby were pouring
financial resources and the obligations of family saved or borrowed money intended for tuition, re-
investments, foundations, and the like. Youths, of- tirement, and Jim's mother's medical bills into
ten lavishly financed by trust funds rather than di- therapy, tutors, and wrecked cars. Eddie alternated
rectly by elders (or their own work), can leave between angrily rejecting their anxious lectures
home as children or adults (for boarding school, about college and admitting that he feared that col-
college, travel, or independent, employee-run lege would be too hard. He had fallen in with
households) without concern for income, money regular drug users who attended high school spo-
management, or domestic skills. One's name, radically. He avoided his mother's family, who ex-
rather than hard work or ability, guarantees entry pected him to follow their Ivy League tradition.
into the best schools and support for any venture. Abby avoided mentioning Eddie to them for fear
When family coffers are undrainable. adulthood of upsetting her ailing father and of being judged.
need not be defined by self-sufficiency, "respon- Eddie felt less pressure from his father's family but
sibility," or involved parenthood and may involve dismissed them as "clueless." Jim and Abby ar-
decades of "holding pattern." Divorce, bereave- gued over Abby's "overprotectiveness" and "fi-
ment, disability, and extreme old age are medi- nancial bail-outs" and Jim's "undue harshness"
ated by employees and financial arrangements; toward Eddie.
98 CHAPTER 5
United Church of Christ Episcopalian

Scottish-Irish American German American Anglo American Anglo American
10th grade, retired homemaker,

rs~-71 HS grad, heart
78 retired, small law 80 BA, lawyer's
small farmer disease
farmer partner daughter
HS grad, HS grad, HS grad, housewife,

56 54 45 MA, architect
small clerk married to tractor
farmer salesman
Jim j^\. Abby

CPA 52 (50 ) Ph.D. professor
m. 26 yrs.
Linda ^s. Jeannie A Eddie

chef
[27J
MBA,
assistant broker
15 H HS senior,
learning disabilities,
drug abuse
2 yrs.
FIGURE 5.1 The Sinclair Family. The halt-shaded square represents substance abuse.
Curious about such different responses, their miliation at the thought of Eddie's leaving school
therapisi asked about their respective families' reflected shame over his "salt of the earth," uned-
class backgrounds. Jim's parents were Anglo- and ucated family. Abby's family, privileged for gener-
German-American hardscrabble farmers. Abby ations, viewed Eddie's behavior as needing to be
came from a long line of High Church Episcopa- "fixed" immediately, perhaps by having the right
lians, highly successful law partners. No one else boarding school shape him up for college. Abby,
in Jim's rural working-class family had gone to however, feared losing him — as she was already
college, while the Ivy League was de rigueur for losing her daughter — if she and Jim took a hard
Abby's kin. Eddie's failing grades evoked reac- line with Eddie. She recalled whisperings about a
tions that were colored by markedly different ideas great-uncle, expelled from Yale, whom her father
about education. Both parents worried how Eddie never mentioned. The Sinclairs had not considered
could become independent and successful. The class-based expectations as being relevant to their
therapist, wondering what "independent" and "suc- difficulties with each other. Connecting their class
cessful" meant to spouses and families of such dif- differences and different responses to Eddie's
ferent class backgrounds, asked about relatives' school and drug problems helped them to person-
responses to the current situation. They reported alize their conflict less and consider a wider range
that Jim's family worried about the drug use but of possibilities.
not about college plans. Jim agonized that Eddie Richard and Mabel Edwards, their children,
would destroy the comfortable life he had strug- and their youngest son's girlfriend came to a clinic
gled to provide for him while worrying that his hu- in their depressed industrial city in bitter conflict
over the impending birth of the young couple's The therapist interrupted the mutual recrimi-
baby. (See Figure 5.2 on page 100 for the Edwards nations to ask whether the city's economic decline
family. ) Richard (age 45), an African American might have any influence on Greg's and his par-
deliveryman, had been a factory worker until be- ents' differing hopes and expectations for parent-
ing laid off four years before. Mabel (age 43), also hood and career. In fact, Richard and Mabel had
African American, was a home health care aide. grown up in a company town that had assured un-
Saundra (age 23), a temporary secretary with an skilled and semiskilled workers steady employ-
Associate's Degree, lived with her husband, a youth ment, good benefits, and upward mobility from
worker. Richie (age 20), on scholarship in an electri- their own parents' sharecropping background. Un-
cian program, worked to pay expenses, including til Richard was laid off and Mabel's job stopped
rent to his parents. Greg age
( 1 7 ). a high school jun- offering benefits, the couple had provided their
ior with learning and attentional disabilities, had children with a sense of economic security and
been missing school and getting drunk often. even upward mobility. Greg, the youngest, grew up
Greg and his girlfriend, Arlette Patterson (also in harder times than his siblings had. His vision of
age 17 and African American), wanted to leave his future was constricted by his family's and his
school and work to support their child, who was community's recent downward mobility, with its
due in three months. They weren't sure that they falling real wages and high unemployment, espe-
wanted to get married just yet. Arlette's mother cially for young Black men; violence, drug abuse,
and grandmother wanted the young couple to White and middle-class flight, and failing schools.
marry but couldn't afford to offer them space in In these historical circumstances and with learning
their crowded apartment or help with expenses. disabilities that required more skilled attention than
Greg's parents and grandparents, by contrast, were his overburdened school could offer, Greg saw lit-
vehemently opposed to teen parenthood or mar- tle reason to stay in school or delay parenthood.
riage, which they believed would ruin Greg's The therapist also wondered aloud whether
already precarious future. Mabel, in particular, in- the Edwardses and the Pattersons had lived
sisted that Arlette and her family were "trouble" through different formative economic experiences.
and that Greg should break off his relationship He learned that Arlette's mother and grandmother
with her. Greg's family argued that he and Arlette had alternated between unskilled labor and welfare
were too young for responsible parenthood and for most of Arlette's life and that her mother was
that, with their parents all working and Greg's convinced that the Edwardses looked down on
grandparents (who lived upstairs) too disabled them as a result. His detailed questions about com-
to help, no one could provide regular child care. ing of age in different historical and economic con-
What's more, they worried, the baby would be un- texts allowed the Edwardses and Arlette to explore
insured, since the family no longer had health cov- the different meanings that each member of two
erage and teen parents rarely find jobs with ben- families gave to teen parenthood, marriage, and
efits. Greg's family urged the young couple to education. His questions also opened up discus-
place the baby for adoption (preferably infor- sion of unspoken, powerful class-based tensions
mally with Mabel's cousin, who had no children between the two families. This therapeutic conver-
and was "getting on in years"), finish high school, sation depolarized relationships within the Ed-
and improve Greg's chances for economic secu- wards family and between the Edwardses and the
rity before starting a family. Greg and Arlette in- Pattersons. Arlette's family was invited to attend
sisted rather vaguely that they would manage future meetings. All the adults therefore could co-
somehow, even without help, but that their par- operate in facilitating the young couple's difficult
ents should help with child care as their grand- decision making (both individual and shared)
mothers had helped their parents with them a about their own, their baby's, and their families'
generation earlier. future. This collaboration, in turn, enabled the
s
o
•c
c to 45 2 with
son ican dmo
liis Patter Amer

lives
gran
V)
aptist 55
lother
riette frican
r
< >* OQ fc H3
—
o
100
young couple to think more carefully about the their four-generation household began mandated
long-term implications and consequences of their home-based therapy when an emergency room
decision. doctor, worried about Caroline's baby Ashley's
Luanne Johnson (age 56), her daughter Mary failure to thrive, filed neglect charges. (See Fig-
(age 37). her granddaughter Caroline (age 20). and ure 5.3 for the Johnson family.) Also at home were
Anglo American, died from 0Gert

M cirrhosis
infant (37
when Mary was
years ago)
6th grade, lives
with oldest
daughter
54 52
Robert Sr.
^ — Anglo American,
e
71
Luanne
26 9th grade, trucker,
f ^ 8th grade, ex-waitress,
died 33 years ago in a
I
on disability for
trucking accident
back and asthma
Robert Jr. 10th grade, manicurist,

38 8th grade. married to short order cook
handyman
Taylor Mary
H Anglo American just lost AFDC. 40 Franco American ( 39

abusive, bartender
LT 5 yrs
Caroline
s. yrs.
alcholic
f LT 6 yrs s. 8yrs m. 6 yrs.
Tom 10th grade, Christine Julia

sells studying Andrew 7th grade 4th grade Alex
crack for GED 10th grade,
learning
Ruth
L <5>
HI disabilities,
sells and
uses drugs
o LT 4 yrs.
Jason
dated 2 yrs.
LJ
dating 1 yr.
o Beth
J-. 8 mths.
Peter Michael Ashley due in

premature, 2 months
failure to thrive
FIGURE 5.3 The Johnson Family. The halt-shaded squares and circles represent substance abuse or illness.
102 CHAPTER 5
Mary's son Andrew (age 17), whose girlfriend They had welcomed the births of Peter and Mi-
Beth (age was pregnant; Mary's daughters
16), chael, untroubled by teen parenthood, which was
Christine (age 13), and Julia (age 9): and Caro- normative in their experience. They all agreed,
line's 3-year-old son Michael. Mary's son Tom (age however, that neither they nor Andrew was ready
21 ) lived with his girlfriend and their 4-year-old son for his parenthood. They attributed Ashley's health
Peter. Caroline had recently stopped seeing her chil- problems more to being around Andrew's drug-
dren's father, who was now in prison. This Anglo induced rages than to her premature birth. This
American family had subsisted for years on Lu- concern, along with money worries, Mary's de-
anne's disability pension, sporadic child support, pression, Caroline's plans to work once she got her
and Mary and Caroline's welfare checks, which had G.E.D., and cramped quarters added up to no room
just been cut off by welfare reform. for a new baby in their household. Over the weeks,
Experience with home visits (and his own all three generations of mothers were able to insist,
childhood visits from "the Welfare") led the thera- with Sam (whom all the children visited often and
pist to predict that the Johnsons would not cooper- whom Andrew saw Andrew par-
as a father), that
ate until he proved himself trustworthy. Christine, ticipate peacefully in family and work or school
however, immediately announced that unlike her life or leave home. They also insisted that An-
brothers, who had dropped out and sold drugs, she drew's baby either live with Beth's family or be
and Julia would (like their father) stay in school placed elsewhere. As they became surer of their
and get jobs. She angrily charged that Andrew, not ability to insist on safety for the family, Ashley,
Caroline, should be in trouble, since he was steal- whose fragility had brought them to therapy in the
ing from the family and scaring Ashley. She told first place, began to show more robustness.
the therapist that if he really wanted to help, he
should get Mary a job. This announcement and
THERAPEUTIC IMPLICATIONS
learning that Caroline (despite learning disabili-
OF THE INTERSECTION OF CLASS
ties) was studying for the G.E.D. shifted the thera-
pist's questions from assessing parental negligence
toward curiosity about what allowed the young The dilemmas that families confront as they nego-
women to focus on improving their lot. He and the tiate life cycle transitions are not theirs alone. They
children learned about the hard work with which are embedded in class- and culture-based nar-
Luanne's family had managed her being widowed, ratives. Difficulties in meeting class expectations
without death benefits, at age 23. While her mother about family development or in responding to the
babysat. Luanne had worked as a cocktail waitress contradictory ones generated in multiple contexts
until the sexual harassment became unbearable. A (as when a family has several class and cultural
generation later, the family had encouraged Mary backgrounds) can generate mystification, shame,
to leave her abusive first partner and welcomed her guilt, anxiety, and family conflict. Situating these
back home when she separated from her second dilemmas in class context provides perspective on
partner. Sam. The therapist learned that although the ways in which class stories constrict families'
Mary had been drinking heavily and arguing bit- possibilities. It can also open up new possibilities
terly with her older children, Luanne and Caroline for moving forward, individually and together, in
reliably cared for two generations of younger chil- their lives. Class permeates therapy in three key
dren, with help from Sam and his wife. ways.
Conversation about how the family coped First, class narratives constitute all families'
with their difficult circumstances helped three gen- meanings, life cycle expectations, challenges,
erations of mothers to express their worries about strengths, and difficulties. Ignoring class stratifi-
Andrew's escalating drug problems and angry out- cation promotes selective attention to individual
bursts and their effects on the younger children. family failures and selective inattention to con-
S( XI \L CLASS AND THK FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 103
straining social factors, further burdening families of class and of the intervals between generations
that are struggling with life transitions. Unless might miss the class implications of a 27-year-
poverty, great wealth, or a rapid class shift make old's anxiety about not being a mother when her
class salient, most families do not consider class mother had four children by that age. Similarly,
on entering therapy. When the) perceive class- they might pathologize as "parentifying" a fam-
related difficulties as stemming from other sources ily's pragmatic expectations that older children
(e.g., trauma, incompetence, or pathology I, bring- in large families and/or with single working, vers
ing class into therapeutic discourse can alleviate young, or disabled parents take domestic responsi-
shame, guilt, and stigmati/ation. bility (and thereby feel qualified to become young
Naming and externalizing class realities can parents themselves).
discredit dominant social myths of classlessness Third, most family therapy involves cross-
and counter their shaming, blaming, and limiting class relationships. Therapy tends to represent pro-
effects on families. For instance, a family's shame fessional-managerial-class belief systems (Ehren-
over needing food stamps or bouncing checks after reich. 1989), which are consistent with many
a layoff can be ameliorated by learning that wel- therapists' own experiences. Even when we do not
fare to corporations (i.e.. in the form of subsidies see ourselves as privileged or as supporting the sta-
and tax breaks) alone exceed all social spending, tus quo, our less privileged clients may see us that
including that on health and education (Sennott. way. Many difficulties in treatment with less
1996). Many "welfare reformers" benefited from privileged clients involve cross-class negotiation
the G.I. Bill's free college tuition and stipends (for whose history transcends the individuals involved.
nearly half the college students in 1947); low- But not all therapists have professional-manage-
interest, no-down-payment home loans; and free rial-class backgrounds, and both families and ther-
medical care for veterans and their families apists usually have complex and confusing class
(Brady. 1996). The G.I. Bill facilitated upward histories. Therapists, in exploring their own strug-
mobility for an entire generation of poor and work- gles and their experiences of shame, confusion,
ing-class veterans. Its demise left their progeny domination, silence, entitlement, guilt, or loss over
wondering why they cannot afford equivalent how class has shaped their family life cycle, can
homes or tuition. Knowing about such radical so- clarify the resources and blind spots they bring to
cial change can counter self-blame and mutual re- the therapeutic encounter. A therapist from a work-
criminations for families in reduced circumstances ing-class family may react strongly to some cli-
whose goals and expectations, formed in easier ents' assumption that everyone's family pays for
times, are out of reach. higher education or even down payments on first
Second, class narratives shape professional homes. A therapist who shares a father's expecta-
understandings of families and the family life cy- tion of young adults showing responsibility may
cle. Many of our field's "truths" about the family not realize that such life skills as sticking to a bud-
life cycle embody class biases. Although therapists get or studying hard in college, which were essen-
need navigational tools to orient us to a family's tial in the therapist's and father's own youth, are
progress along their developmental path, we must irrelevant to the father's 20-something son. who was
use those tools to tit our understandings to families raised in the household of a self-made millionaire.
rather than fitting families to our understandings. A therapist who was raised in the professional-
We must hold our own narratives alongside, and middle class and a couple (one of whom grew up in
not superordinate to. families' narratives. We must the business-owning class and the other in the
try to avoid reproducing class privilege by impos- white-collar working class) all identify themselves
ing class narratives and overlooking what families as "middle class." They may jointly construct the
know about their own lives (White, 1995). For in- couple's bitter conflict about college and retire-
stance, therapists who assume homogeneity both ment investments versus splurging on expensive
104 CHAPTER 5
clothes, vacations, and Christmas presents as re- harmful assumptions by being open about class
flecting unresolved conflicts in their families of or- differences, willing to ask and answer questions
igin. However, if they explore how class history about class in therapy, and respectfully curious
informs the spouses' divergent priorities, they about families' understandings of how class oper-
might uncover class diversity. Perhaps one's ates on their course through the family life cycle.
grandfather's Depression-era death forced a gener- We hope that it helps to limit the reproduction of
ation to give up college, while the other's great- class privilege in therapy. We invite the reader to
grandfather's steerage-class immigration allowed continue to explore the neglected intersection of

his children to go to college and celebrate upward family life cycle and class in your own work.
mobility with heartfelt generosity. Breaking silence about class and its impact on the
We hope that this chapter clarifies the central- family life cycle can counter the mystifying effects
ity of class in creating the meanings, expectations, of the dominant discourses that obscure and per-
and courses of the family life cycle. We hope that it petuate class privilege and do harm to the families
helps therapists of all class backgrounds to limit we treat and the families of which we are part.
REFERENCES
Barlett, D., & Steele, J. (1994). America: Who really changing family life cycle: A framework for family
pays the taxes? New York: Touchstone. therapy (2nd ed.) (pp. 545-578). New York: Gard-
Boyd-Franklin, N. (1993). Class, race, and poverty. In ner Press.
F. Walsh Normal family processes (2nd ed.)
(Ed.), Imber-Black, E. (1990). Multiple embedded systems. In
(pp. 361-376). New York: The Guilford Press. M. Mirkin (Ed.), The social and political contexts
Brady, J. (1996, August 4). In appreciation, the GI Bill. offamily therapy. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.
Parade, 4-5. Inclan, J., & Ferran, E. (1990). Poverty, politics, and
Burton, L. (1996a). Age norms, the timing of family family therapy: A role for systems theory. In M.
role transitions, and intergenerational caregiving Mirkin The social and political contexts of
(Ed.),
among aging African American women. The Ger- family therapy. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.
ontologist, 36(2), 199-208. Jackson, D. (1997, July 23). The media's skewed im-
Burton. L. (1996b, June). Multi gene rational families, age. The Boston Globe, p. A 17.
adolescence, and high-risk neighborhoods: How Kliman, J. (1998). Social class as a relationship: Im-
ethnographic studies can inform clinical replications for family therapy. In M. McGoldrick
search. Paper presented at the annual meeting of (Ed.), Re-visioning family therapy: Race, culture
the American Family Therapy Academy, San and gender in clinical practice (pp. 50-61). New
Francisco. York: The Guilford Press.
Carter, B., & McGoldrick, M. (Eds.). (1988). The Kliman, J. (1994). The interweaving of gender, class,
changing family life cycle: A framework for family and race in family therapy. In M. Mirkin (Ed.),
therapy (2nd ed.). New York: Gardner Press. Women in context: A feminist reconstruction of
De la Cancela, V. (1991). Working affirmatively with psychotherapy (pp. 25-47). New York: The Guil-
Puerto Rican men. Journal of Feminist Family ford Press.
Therapy, 2(3/4), 195-212. Madsen, W. (1996). A narrative approach to family-
Dorris, M. ( 1989). The broken cord: A family's ongoing based services. In E. Walton (Ed.), Empowering
struggle with fetal alcohol syndrome. New York: families: Papers from the 9th annual conference on
Harper & Row. family-based sen'ices. River Sale, IL: National As-
Ehrenreich, B. (1989). Fear offalling: The inner life of sociation for Family-Based Services.
the middle class. New York: HarperCollins. Penelope, J. (Ed.). (1994). Out of the class closet: Les-
Fulmer, R. (1988). Lower-income and professional bians speak. Freedom, CA: Crossing Press.
families: A comparison of structure and life cycle Reingold, J. (1997, April 29). Executive pay. Business
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Rubin. L. (1994). Families on the fault line: America's U.S. Bureau of the Census. ( 1994). Statistical abstract of
working class speaks about the family, the economy, the United States. Washington. DC: U.S. Govern-
race, and ethnicity. New York: HarperPerennial. ment Printing Office.
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Sennott. C. ( 19%, July 7). The $150 billion -welfare re- White, M. (1995). Re-Authoring lives: Inten'iews and
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Sklar. H. (1995). Cluios or community: Seeking solu- Publications.
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South End Press. of the new urban poor. New York: Knopf.
Stack, C. & Burton. L. (1993). Kinscripts. Journal of
Comparative Familx Studies. 24(2). 157-170.
Chapter 6
WOMEN THROUGH THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
MONICA McGOLDRICK
Composing a life involves a continual reimaging of the future and reinter-

pretation of the past to give meaning to the present. . . . Many of the most
basic conceptswe use to construct a sense of self or the design of a life
have changed their meanings: Work, Home, Love, Commitment Our
lives. . . take on new directions. Each of us is involved in inventing a new
kind of story:
—Catherine Bateson, Composing a Life (1989. p. 2)
WOMEN'S CHANGING LIFE CYCLE ROLES But women were systematically kept out of
the public spheres of life —government, business,
Women's lives have always required amazing im- the world of power and money — of which had
all
provisation, but never more than today. They were to change, for women to have a life cycle of their
never about following a single thread of the evolu- own (Walters, Carter, Papp. & Silverstein, 1988).
tion of the hero into the undaunted, courageous As Carolyn Heilbrun has discussed in her now-
and goal-oriented achiever, as seemed to be the life women's biography. Writing a
classic analysis of
plan for Western men. As Catherine Bateson (1989) Woman's Life (1988). women's selfhood, her right
puts it: "Life... [is] an improvisatory art... We com- to her own story, depends on her ability to act in the
bine familiar and unfamiliar components in republic domain. Heilbrun sees power as "the ability
sponse to new situations ... [My writing] started to take one's place in whatever discourse is es-
from a disgruntled reflection on my own life as a sential to action and the right to have one's part
sort of desperate improvisation in which I was con- matter" (p. 18). Women's life cycles have been
stantly trying to make something coherent from changing because women have been asserting the
conflicting elements to fit rapidly changing set- right to have their part matter in the public domain,
Women's lives always involved a
tings" (p. 3). which determines their possibilities also in the in-
weaving together of many strands, attending to timate, personal domain — from infant care to
multiple tasks, sounds, and images at once. They physical, psychological, spiritual, and financial se-
created the "nest" that was home for everyone else; curity in old age, a phase of life that has always
they provided the food, the nurturance, and the been for women only but that has until now been
care for all from the youngest to the oldest; they controlled by men. not by women themselves.
created the family rituals, bought the presents, Mirra Bank, in her touching book Anonymous
made birthdays and Thanksgivings happen. They Was a Woman (1979). about American women's
nursed the sick, washed and mourned the dead, and roles in the last century, quotes Mary Boykin Ches-
attended to the needs of other mourners. nut as writing in her diary in 1862.
106
WOMEN THROUGH THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 107
Why (Jo I) feel like a beggar, utterly humiliated and Dream will never be real for them. Domestic vio-
degraded when I am forced to say I need money'.' I lence is now the number one health risk for women
cannot tell, hut I do: ami the worst oj it is, this thing beta een the ages of 15 and 44 in our country. It is
grows worse as one grows older.... What a proud a bigger threat than cancer or car accidents,
woman suffers under all this, who can tell? (p. 92) (quoted in Burnett. Miller-Perrin. & Perrin. 1997,
p. 15)
The conundrum of responsibility without power
women's lives. Women had
has long characterized The systematic exclusion of women from par-
responsibilities for clothing their children, but ticipation in the societal institutions is indeed be-
fashion and advertising have always been a man's ing challenged (Goldberger, Tarule, Clinchy, &
world: women were the cooks at home, but they Belenky, 1996). The exclusion of women from
were not the chefs of record; they were the artistic public spheres of education, lawmaking, business,
creators of thehome, but they were not the artists the arts, money, and power is gradually changing.
of record. Another of Bank's (1979) "anonymous But the issues remain, and for women of color,
women" described her 25-year endeavor in mak- they are dramatically more complex and difficult
ing a quilt in her stolen evening hours: than they are for White women (Almeida, 1993,
1998). Audre Lorde (1984) described a key differ-
My whole life is in that quilt. All my joys and all my ence between Black and White women boldly:
sorrows are stitched into those little pieces. When I
was proud of the boys and when I was downright Black women and our children know the fabric of
provoked and angry with them... and. ..John (my our lives is stitched with violence and with hatred,
husband) too. Sometimes 1 loved him and some- that there is no rest. We do not deal with it only on
times 1 sat there hating him as I pieced the patches the picket lines, or in dark midnight alleys, or in the
together. So they are all in that quilt, my hopes and places where we dare to verbalize our resistance.
fears... my loves and hates. I tremble sometimes For us. increasingly, violence weaves through the
when I remember what that quilt knows about me. daily tissues of our living — in the supermarket, in
(p. 94) the classroom, in the elevator, in the clinic and the
schoolyard, from the plumber, the baker, the sales-
For centuries, women remained voiceless in woman, the bus driver, the bank teller, the waitress
the public sphere, having to stitch their lives to- who does not sene us.
gether here and there as they could. This was a Some problems we share as women, some we do
tragedy, but it has also given them an adaptive not. You fear your children will grow up to join the
strength,making them able to weave lives out of patriarchy and testify against you: we fear our chil-
dren will be dragged from a car and shot down in
many disparate strands. Even in the private sphere,
the street, and you will turn your backs upon the
in their homes, the pervasive private abuse, perse-
reasons they are dying. I p. 9)
cution, and humiliation of women has been an un-
acknowledged societal shame for many centuries. African American and other marginalized women
Battering of women, date rape, marital rape, de- womanhood differently than White
perceive their
humanizing treatment of women as sex objects, women and may distance themselves from fem-
psychological abuse, financial control, sexual ha- inists and the feminist movement, seeing it as
rassment, and exploitation of women in the work- White, privileged, and underestimating the inte-
place are problems of incredible proportions that gral role of cultural traditions and racism in their
have only recently begun to become visible. Presi- lives (Hall & Greene, 1994). Paula Gunn Allen
dent Clinton, for example, spoke publicly of the (1992) summarizes the context of American In-
problem in 1995: dian women's lives:
If children aren 't safe in their homes, if college Within this geopolitical charnel house. American
women aren 7 safe in their dorms, if mothers can 't Indian women struggle on every front for the sur-
raise their children in safety, then the American vival of our children, our people, our self-respect,
108 CHAPTER 6
our value systems, and our way of life. The past five While men's work life tends to follow a linear
hundred years testify to our skill at waging this course, women's usually consists of starts, stops,
struggle. For all the varied weapons of extinction meanders, interruptions, revisions, and detours as
pointed at our heads, we endure. We sunive war they accommodate to the others in their lives (Sha-
and conquest; we survive colonization, accultura-
piro, 1996).
tion, assimilation; we survive beating, rape, starva-
Women's roles have been changing dramati-
tion, mutilation, sterilization, abandonment, neglect,
cally in recent years. They are delaying marriage.
death of our children, our loved ones, destruction
Instead of being passed from their fathers to their
of our land, our homes, our past, and our future. We
sunive and we do more than just sun'ive. We bond, husbands, they are claiming an increasing span of
we care,we fight, we teach, we nurse, we bear, we time to define their own lives. A much higher pro-
feed, we earn, we laugh, we love, we hang in there, portion of women than ever before is experiencing
no matter what. Of course many of us just give a period of independent living and work before
up. Many are alcoholics, many are addicts. Many- marriage (Coontz, 1997). Whereas only 28 percent
abandon their children, the old ones. Many commit of women age 20 to 24 were single in 1 960, now
suicide. Many become violent, go Many go
insane.
more than two thirds of women that age are unmar-
"white" and are never seen or heard from again.
ried (Coontz, 1997). The typical first-time bride in
But enough hold on to their traditions and their
1993 was 24, almost four years older than her
ways so that even after almost five hundred years,
counterpart of 1970. Since 1980, childbearing has
we endure. And we even write songs and poems,
make paintings and drawings that say: "We walk in fallen below replacement levels, as women are
beauty. Let us continue. " (p. 43) increasingly electing to postpone childbearing.
Women are refusing to stay in stifling or abusive
We must be careful to acknowledge differ- marriages. Divorce is at 46 percent, and women
ences in women's life cycle experiences, depend- with the most education and income are more
ing on where they are in the larger sociopolitical likely to divorce and less likely to remarry, in con-
structure, even as we assert their common experi- trast to men, the most wealthy and well educated of
ences, to keep their lives from remaining invisible whom are the most likely to stay married or to re-
(Chapter 2; Almeida, Woods, & Messineo, 1998). marry quickly. But women are also more likely to
And we must pay attention to their adaptive move down to poverty after divorce, while men's
strengths even as we assert the traumatic inequities income actually rises after divorce (Peterson,
they have experienced. Women have always 1996). Currently, 75 percent of the poor are
played a central role in families, but the idea that women or children, most of whom live in one-
they have a life cycle apart from their roles as wife parent households. The number of single-parent
and mother is a relatively recent one and is still not households (86 percent headed by women) has
fully accepted. Until very recently, "human devel- more than doubled. For the increasing number of
opment" referred to male development. Women's teenaged unmarried mothers, their mothers, aunts,
development was defined by the men in their lives, and sisters share responsibility for the children. In
their role being defined by their position in some- addition, for the first time, a fair number of women
one else's life cycle: daughter, mother, sister, in their thirties and forties are choosing to have and
grandmother. The expectation for women has been raise children without partners, a new phenome-
that they would take care of the needs of others, non altogether (Anderson, 1994; see also Chapter
first men, then children, then the elderly. Rarely 21). Lesbians, who are increasingly having chil-
has it been accepted that they have a right to a life dren together, are broadening and reworking the
for themselves. Nevertheless, women lead far more concept of family to include their own special rela-
complex, varied, and unpredictable lives than men tionships with friends, extended family, and ex-
do (Shapiro, 1996), reinventing themselves many lovers (Slater, 1995). And many more older wo-
times to meet different exigencies (Bateson, 1994). men are living longer, having adventurous lives.
.
and reinventing themselves well into their seven- line. . . The li\t allows me to keep everything, to ex-
ties, eighties, and nineties (Heilbrun. 1997). Fi- pand, to add at any time. (p. 2)
nally, the majority of people who live alone are

We must challenge the categories of descrip-
women (11 million versus 6.8 million men), who tion to gain better perspective on the values of our
tend to bewidowed and/or divorced elderly. Be- society and particularly to gain an appreciation for
tween 1970 and 1993. there was a large increase the complex threads of a woman's life cycle.
in the percentage of women over age 75 who live
Mcintosh calls for developing a "double vision"
alone, from 37 percent to 52 percent. regarding a woman's sense of being a "fraud." On
the one hand, we need to help women to overcome
their feelings of inadequacy and of not deserving a
WOMEN AND EDUCATION place to stand or speak out. On the other hand, we
Many more women are concentrating on educa- need to validate and appreciate women's acknowl-
tion. Since 1979. more women than men have been edgment that they do not know everything and
enrolled in college, and among people age 25 to their resistance to making pronouncements from
29, women match men in the percentage that have on high as if they held "the" truth, as men have
completed at least four years of college (25 per- done so often. Mcintosh's intuition about lists and
cent). Women now make up 55 percent of college outlines seems particularly apt for understanding
students and 65 percent of students over age 35, so women's need to reinvent themselves continually
they will soon become a majority of Americans to meet ever changing circumstances throughout
with higher education (Collins. 1997). the life cycle. It helps if we keep a broad perspec-
But for education to work for women, it, like tive on women's expanding lives in the public
all other institutions of our society, needs to domain of work, school, governance, business,
change. Within the hallowed halls of academia. wo- power, and money. And we must pay more atten-
men are likely to feel like frauds. Peggy Mcintosh tion to the community networks that w omen have
(1985. 1989). in her articles "On Feeling Like a always been responsible for maintaining and that
Fraud." has described the ways in which women are crucial to their safety and ability to have a life.
who have been socialized in the "single track We must also attend to the possibilities of equal
logic" of academia can end up feeling stupid be- partnership, connection, and flexibility in couple
cause they find themselves unable to make an out- relationships, friendships and intergenerational
line that lays out categories and subcategories in bonds through the life cycle. In addition, we must
hierarchical order. Mcintosh (1989) asserts that the bear in mind that women of color experience dou-
very requirement of acting as if all ideas fit in log- ble jeopardy and lesbians of color experience triple
ical and hierarchical sequence is absurd. jeopardy in adjusting to a world in which the insti-
tutions have been defined by others. Lorraine Hans-
Language is an invention. . . . Life doesn 't come in
berry (1969). author of Raisin in the Sun. provides
sentences, paragraphs or arguments. For me, the
an example that still has relevance:
outline now joined the argumentative paper as a
problematical form, requiring pretenses, such as She had begun her college career awkwardly and it
subordinating all ideas to one "main " or govern- had stayed that way. The point of things eluded
ing idea. . . . For me the outline is. and always has her — things like classes and note-taking and lec-
been, a fraudulent form. My genre. ...is the list. . . ture and lab. She found most of them unspeakably
On a list e\erything matters; you need not rank, dull and irrelevant to virtually anything she had
subordinate, and exclude; you can add or subtract. ever had on her mind or ever expected to. Worst of
"
elaborate or delete. . . . With an outline, one must all was something called "Physical Geography.
(pretend to) justify the sequence, and to know and which required, among other things, that she spend
deal appropriately the relative significance of each some four hours a week knocking on rocks with a
item or idea. One cannot be generous in an out- little metal hammer, (p. 37)
110 CHAPTER 6
How many women, especially lesbian women work and family appears to be the number one is-
and women of color, have been thrown into experi- sue (Lewin, 1997a). Nevertheless, the impact of
ences in which, as for Hansberry, societal assump- women working is overall a positive one for them
tions had absolutely no connection to their life and for their children (Barnett & Rivers, 1996).
experience in which, to survive, they had to draw Daughters appear to benefit most of all from hav-
from inner resources and make improvisatory con- ing a working mother. They have been shown to be
nections and transformations to bridge to what was more self-confident, to get better grades, and to be
relevant in their souls. Hansberry. for one. proved more likely to pursue careers themselves than chil-
more than up to the task. Before she turned 30, in dren of nonemployed mothers (Hoffman, 1989).
her play Raisin in the Sun, she had articulated the For African American families, a mother's work-
intergenerational relationships of African Ameri- ing has been shown to improve not only her self-es-
can men and women through the life cycle and teem (Hoffman. 1989), but also her daughters'
became the youngest person, the only African likelihood of staying in school (Wolfer & Moen.
American, and only the fifth woman ever to win the 1996). Furthermore, a fascinating and little-publi-
New York Drama Critics award for best play. cized finding has suggested that the high achieve-
Therapists have important work to do with ment of mothers is even more predictive of high
women at every phase of the life cycle in encour- achievement of both their sons and their daughters
aging their ideas, intuitions, and adaptive resource- than is the high achievement of fathers (Losoffi
fulness, helping them to realize that they are not 1974; Padan. 1965).
"frauds" and validating their "ways of knowing" But the main point is that very few families
(Belenky. Clinchy. Goldberger. & Tarule. 1986; can afford to have children these days unless both
Goldberger. Tarule, Clinchy, & Belenky. 1996). husband and wife have paying jobs. Still, while for
men the relationship of family and work is seen
as mutually supportive and complementary, for
WOMEN AND WORK women, w ork and family have involved conflicting
The majority of women, even mothers of small demands. The family is seen as supporting and
children, are now in the paid workforce. But the nurturing the male worker for his performance on
continuing differential roles of men and women in the job. whereas women are seen as depriving their
the larger context is illustrated by the fact that a families by working. There is no sense of the fam-
large portion of women are still in sex-segregated, ily's being a refuge for women as it has been for
low-paying jobs. Women who work full time have men (Almeida, 1993). In fact, the high level of psy-
lost ground in the battle for equal pay in the past de- chological demands in their jobs at home and often
cade. They have gone from making 77 percent of in the workplace, with little actual control or power
what men make down to 74 percent —and older over their situation, can put women in particularly
women make only 65 percent of what working men stressful situations much of the time (Baruch. Bar-
make (Lewin, 1997b). One quarter of all employed nett. & Rivers. 1983; Barnett & Rivers. 1996).
women are crowded into just 22 of 500 occupations Women have been in a double bind in this re-
distinguished by the Bureau of the Census. gard. Although the dominant belief has been that
The issue of achieving equal pay for equal women belong home, participation in the la-
in the
work is the top concern of American women, one bor force has been shown to be the most important
third of w horn earn more than half of their family's determinant of a woman's psychological well-
income (Lewin, 1997a). Indeed two fifths of work- being. Women who work outside the home show
ingwomen are the sole heads of their households. fewer symptoms of psychological and physiologi-
Among African American women, the issue of un- cal distress, and the evidence is that maternal em-
dercompensation is even greater than it is for oth- ployment is not harmful for children (Barnett &
ers, while for Latina and Asian women, balancing Rivers. 1996). Indeed, in traditional cultures, moth-
ers typically always worked, and children were In spite of household and other strains, the
raised primarily by grandparents and older sib- more roles a woman occupies, the healthier she is
lings. Yet there are many social pressures against likely to be. Employed married parents have the
women feeling good about working. But it is not best health profile, whereas people with none of
thenumber of activities that is burdensome to a these roles have the worst profile. Employed
woman's well-being. Rather, it is the lack of sup- women are healthier than nonemployed women,
port and the inability to choose one's roles and or- and lack of employment is a risk factor for
ganize one's resources to meet the demands. women's health (Arnetz. Wasserman. Petrini, &
Couple relationships are changing dramati- Brenner. 1987). Multiple roles may provide cogni-
cally in dual-worker families. Barnett and Rivers tive cushioning in the face of stress. There is a sig-
(1996) and Stacey (1996) found that employed nificant relationship between underemployment
wives are not as anxious as 1950s homemakers and decreased physical and mental health. Jobs
were, nor are their children suffering from their with no flexibility, poor pay, poor benefits, no se-
working. They found the major source of stress for curity, irregular schedules, and low control may
working women to be sexual harassment, followed jeopardize health, whereas having high-quality
by efforts to "mommy track" mothers out of their roles, even if they are numerous, may help to main-
jobs. They found fathers to be much more invol' d tain or enhance health. Women with more high-
with all aspects of their children's care than t'.e powered, high-status careers obviously have more
previous generation of fathers was and to experi- advantages. Job-related social support has particu-
ence distress when they do not have enough time larly beneficial effects on women's health.
with their children. Men's participation in house- While work seems to be a stress on men, indi-
hold chores has risen dramatically, even in work- cations are that paid work actually improves the
ing-class families, though it still lags far behind the health of women. Women who are homemakers
participation of women (Barnett & Rivers. 1996: end up with a lower sense of self-esteem and per-
Hochschild, 1989). The real problem, though, is sonal competence, even regarding their child care
our nation's refusal to support good-quality child and social skills, than do mothers in the paid work-
care for all children, as other advanced nations of force. Women who take any time off from full
the world have done, which is essential in a coun- commitment to the paid workforce lose a great
try that requires dual-worker families. deal of ground in their power in their relationships.
In any case, economic independence for wo- their work flexibility, and their financial options
men, which has profound implications for tradi- (Barnett & Rivers, 1996).
tional family structures, appears to be crucial for As more women have entered the workplace,
women's protection from the high risk of abuse, di- they have become more aware of the external con-
vorce, and poverty and powerlessness in old age. straints on them in the labor force. As a result, they
To accomplish this independence, massive power often become more aware of pay discrimination,
changes are required in our culture. Wives' eco- job discrimination, and sexual harassment than
nomic dependence, which is the greatest factor in they were in the past, and this awareness can be in-
their returning to abusing husbands (Aguirre. 1985), tensely stressful, even when it leads to change.
creates a seriously problematic power imbalance Again, the main clinical implication is that we
that threatens marriage altogether. As Rachel Hare- need to be active educators in our therapy, helping
Mustin (1991) has put it. the problem in women's women to realize that they are not alone, encourag-
relationships with men is power: "Unless thera- ing them to network to diminish their sense of
pists areaware of the effects of unequal power on isolation, and empowering them to join forces to
women, they will be unlikely to move beyond the change the way society operates. A woman who
status quo to challenge the sources of stress in must bring a charge of sexual harassment against
male-female relationships" (p. 39). her boss by herself will have great difficulty. A
112 CHAPTER 6
class action suit is enormously easier to handle, and neighbors to help out. But now, increasingly, ex-
women are more likely to win when they operate tended families are not easily accessible, and those
together. Linking women to other women is one of essential networks that ease the burdens of child-
the most important tools we have as clinicians. rearing by providing supplementary caretakers are
not available. The importance of these invisible net-
works has rarely been acknowledged by society,
which has espoused values that have uprooted fam-
WOMEN IN FAMILIES ilies regularly and intentionally for jobs, military
Being part of a family and the breaking up of a duty, or corporate needs. Thus, when women have
family have profoundly different implications for found themselves without such supports, they have
men and women. Indicators are that married wo- often been unable to articulate what is wrong, since
men have more symptoms than married men or the need for such community and family support
unmarried women. They experience more depres- has not been socially validated. In the absence of
sion and more marital dissatisfaction. Women in such acknowledgment, women often blame them-
traditional marital relationships have poorer phys- selves or are blamed by society when they cannot
ical health, lower self-esteem, less autonomy, and hold things together. The argument typically moves
poorer marital adjustment than women in more between the use of the word "mother" and the
equal relationships (Avis, 1985). Indeed, being word "parent" in such a way that mothers are
part of a family has been a serious danger for blamed for abandoning their children, while fa-
many women but rarely for men. For example, thers* traditional absence from the interior of the
women are 10 times more likely than men to be child's life is continuously obscured. Commenta-
abused by an intimate partner and 6 times more tors (e.g. Whitehead, 1993) talk about the selfish-
likely to be abused by an intimate partner than by ness of "parents," who are spending less time with
a stranger. At least 29 percent of the violent their children, but it is clear that the attack is di-
crimes against women committed by hus-

are rected against mothers, because they fail to refer
bands or boyfriends. The number of women mur- to the fact that fathers have been absent from fam-
dered by their intimates in the United States ilies for a long time already.
during the years of the Vietnam War (51,000) ap- Such backlash responses to the changes in wo-
proximated the number of soldiers killed in the men's roles in our times typically harks back nos-
war (58,000), yet we have heard virtually nothing talgically to that idiosyncratic period in U.S. his-
about these tragic losses, and there are no memo- tory: the 1950s for white middle-class families,
rials to these women. when women, at higher rates than at any time in
Yet, as problematic as traditional patterns have history, were isolated in nuclear families as home-
been for many women, changing the status quo has makers with their children. As Stephanie Coontz
been extremely difficult. Even as women are rebel- (1997) has pointed out, the "traditional" marriages
ling against the burden of bearing full responsibil- of that generation created the most drug-oriented,
ity for making family relationships, holidays, and rebellious children of the 1960s as well as the
celebrations happen, they still feel guilty when they fastest-growing divorce rate in the world, so we
do not do what they have grown up expecting to do. should think twice about our reverence for that
When no one else moves in to fill the gap, they of- phase of the "good old days," not to mention the
ten feel blamed that family solidarity is breaking suppression of women entailed in that family ar-
down and believe that it is their fault. Men's emo- rangement. Susan Faludi (1991) has detailed bril-
tional and physical distance is still largely ignored in liantly the conservative backlash response to the
writings about the changing family. In earlier times, changing roles of women, which has blamed
when community cohesion was greater, women ofwomen for destroying families by their selfishness
ten had at least a network of extended family and in considering their own needs first.
By far the majority of household labor is still their greater emotional involvement in the lives of
done by women. The household remains primarily those around them. They are more responsive to a
women's responsibility, with other family mem- wider network of people for whom they feel re-
bers still thinking that their role in participating in sponsible (Antonucci. 1994). Their role overload
chores is to "help her." Arlie Hochschild (1989) leaves them further burdened when unpredictable
actually calculated a few years ago that over a year, stresses such as illness, divorce, or unemployment
women averaged an extra month of 24-hour work occur. This means that they are doubly stressed,
days, and over 12 years, they averaged an extra exposed to more network stresses and more emo-
year of 24-hour work days. Recent indications are tionally responsive to them. Women are much
that the skew in housekeeping and child care is more emotionally affected than men by deaths and
diminishing but that mothers of preschoolers still by other events in their networks (Kessler & Me-
work 17 hours more a week than their mates, and Leod, 1984). Men respond less to events at the
once their children enter school, mothers still work edge of their caring networks. They respond less to
an extra 5.6 hours a week more than their husbands the distress of neighbors and friends than women
(Bamett & Rivers. 1996). A large research study do. They actually hear less about stress in their net-
(Blumstein & Schwartz. 1983, 1991) found that works. The help-seeking literature indicates that
money buys power in marriage. It buys the priv- people who need emotional support more often
ilege to make decisions —
concerning whether to seek out women as confidants. Therefore, women
stay or leave, what the family will purchase, where have more demands for nurturance made on them.
they will live, and how the children will be ed- Daughters are more involved with and visit parents
ucated. In other words, money talks. more than sons do. Grandmothers are twice as
likely to have warm relationships with grandchil-
dren as grandfathers are. Indeed, grandfathers tend
to be active with their grandchildren only if their
WOMEN IN THE MIDDLE: wives are (Lott. 1994).
WOMEN AND CARETAKING Traditionally, women have been held respon-
Unfortunately, the well-being of both children and sible for all family caretaking: for their husbands,
the elderly, who are mostly women, may be gained their children, their parents, their husband's par-
at the expense of the quality of life of the middle ents, and any other sick or dependent family mem-
generation of women who are most burdened, bers. Even now, almost one fifth of women aged 55
squeezed by overwhelming demands of caretak- to 59 are providing in-home care to an elderly rel-
ing for both other generations. Sometimes referred ative. Over half of women with one surviving par-
to as "the sandwich generation." they are often ent can expect to become the parent's caretaker.
caught in a dependency squeeze between their par- Usually one daughter or a daughter-in-law has the
ents and their children and are also often squeezed primary responsibility for care of elderly women.
to accept work their lives had not prepared them Clearly, caring for the very old (who are mostly
for, since they did not expect to have to seek em- women) is primarily a woman's issue. But increas-
ployment after midlife. The realities of their finan- ingly, younger women are in the labor force and
cial future as older women is increasingly hitting thus unavailable for caretaking without extreme
women at midlife. They are realizing how severely difficulty. Presently more than half of all women
the inequalities of their position in the power struc- age 45 to 64 are in the labor force, and most
ture limit their other options for the rest of their of these are working full time. Increasingly, with
lives (Dow ling. 1996). more and more four-generation families, the care-
Women are exposed to higher rates of change givers themselves are elderly and struggling with
and instability in their lives than men and are also declining functioning. Twelve percent of caregiv-
more vulnerable to life cvcle stresses, because of ers are themselves over age 75.
114 CHAPTER 6
WOMEN'S EXCLUSION FROM rive their legitimacy precisely because of the cre-
POWER UNDER THE LAW AND ation of a public-private dichotomy. To rely on a
SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS theory that neither confronts, nor even acknowl-
edges, this reality is to operate in the realm of illu-
The overwhelming majority of lawmakers in our sion. " (pp. 43^44)
society are males. Their record on legislation in
support of family caretaking is a travesty. This
The pressures on women to lower their sights
is a critical issue for divorced women, mothers of
for educational or career opportunities may be in-
small children, women of color, the elderly, who
tense. They are presented with more obstacles in
are mostly women, and other groups that do not
the work world and negative pressure from media,
have the power to make the laws and thus get dou-
community, and family. Often, they have also in-
bly burdened: with the responsibility and without
ternalized beliefs about their own limitations and
the power or resources to take care of their fami-
the role of a woman as secondary to men. As Sas-
lies.The laws regulating social services do not
sen (1980) pointed out about Horner's (1972) clas-
support the women. Contrary to the claim that gov-
sic study of women's "fear of success," their
ernment services sap the strength of family sup-
success anxiety was present only when success
ports, the failure to provide public services to
was at the expense of another's failure, showing
families will most likely exacerbate marital and in-
their sophisticated sensitivity to the interpersonal
tergenerational conflicts, turning family members
context of success.
against each other (Hess, 1985).
Clinically, it may be useful to help clients to
Friedan (1985), Hochschild (1989), and oth-
outline all the unrecognized work that their moth-
ers have urged us to move farther and faster to
ers and grandmothers did to raise their families and
tackle the hard political tasks of restructuring
keep a household going. This emphasizes their
home and work so that women who are married
courage, abilities, hard work, and strength as role
and have children can also earn money or have
models for positive identification, since women
their own voice in the decision-making main-
are typically hidden from history. Harriet Lerner's
stream of society. The guilts of less-than-perfect
books 772^ Dance of Anger (1985), The Dance of
motherhood and less-than-perfect professional ca-
Intimacy (1989), and Tlie Dance of Deception
reer performance are real, because it's not possible
( 1993) and Betty Carter's Love, Honor and Nego-
to "have it all," when jobs are still structured for
tiate (1996), as well as my own You Can Go Home
men whose wives take care of the details of life and
Again (1995). provide illustrations to use in coach-
homes are still structured for women whose only
ing women on transforming their family relation-
responsibility is running their families (Friedan,
ships and redefining their own lives.
1985). As Goldner (1985) has stated:
By ignoring the complex relationship between the

WOMEN AND MARRIAGE
structure offamily relations and the world of work, The rate of marriage has increased since 1960. but
family therapists tacitly endorse the nineteenth- marriage now plays a less comprehensive role in
century fiction that the family is a domestic retreat
defining a woman's social and personal life than
from the market place economy The dichotomi-
in earlier times. Nevertheless, as Jessie Bernard
zation of these social domains is a mystification
(1982) long ago described it, "his" marriage is still
and a distortion that masks a fundamental organiz-
very different from, and a great deal less problem-
ing principle of contemporary family life. The divi-
sion of labor (both affective and instrumental) and atic than, "her" marriage. Although many men re-
the distribution of power in families are structured main ambivalent about getting married, fearing
not only according to generational hierarchies but ensnarement, it is women who become more
also around gendered spheres of influence that de- symptomatic and prone to stress in the married
state on virtually every indicator (Gove, 1972; to bolster their husbands' sense of self-esteem but
Goleman, 1986; Heyn, 1997). It is striking that have been seen as "nags" when they sought emo-
women tend to be so positive about marrying and tional support for themselves. In clinical practice,
men so ambivalent about since marriage appears

it, men's marital complaints typically center on their
to be so much more advantageous for men than for wives' nagging and emotional demands, while
women. Often, the woman has given up more to be wives' complaints center on their husbands' lack
married than the man has (her occupation, friends, of emotional responsiveness and their own sense of
residence, family, name). She adjusts to his life abandonment (Gottman, 1985; Weiss, 1985).
(Goodrich, Rampage, Ellman. & Halstead, 1988; In any case, the general lack of political and
Heyn, 1997). Although men are willing to spend social equality between marital partners makes the
time with women during courtship in ways that en- mythology of marital equality a dangerous mysti-
hance the women's sense of intimacy, after mar- fication for most women. The transition to mar-
riage, men tend to spend less and less time talking riage is an important time for helping young
to their wives. Husbands often consider that doing women (and men) look beyond the inequitable, of-
chores around the house should be an adequate ten dysfunctional couple roles that were prominent
demonstration of caring and that sex should pro- in previous generations. Patterns that get set at this
vide an adequate demonstration of intimacy; they point in the life cycle may have great importance
may feel mystified about what women want when later on. Many young women resist challenging
they seek more emotional contact. Women are of- the romantic myths about marriage until later
ten frustrated by the limited degree of relating that stages, when problems surface in seriousness. Yet
their husbands offer. Womenmore willing than
are it is a lot easier to change patterns in the early years
men to admit to to acknowledge
problems and of marriage than later, when they have become en-
their part in them. While men's and women's pri- trenched and when women's lack of power in the
orities in marriage differ (for example, regarding social domain increases.

the place of sex and of financial security), men
generally rate their marital communication, rela-
BECOMING MOTHERS
tionships with parents, and sexual relationships as
good, while women rate all of these as problematic Although our society has been changing rapidly,
(Goleman, 1986). Furthermore, it seems that the normative expectations for men and women in
double standard continues to operate, with women families have lagged behind emerging realities of
considering their husband's fidelity more impor- family life (Carter, 1996; McGoldrick, Anderson.
tant than men do and men more likely to expect & Walsh, 1989; Garcia Coll, Surrey. & Weingar-
fidelity from their wives than from themselves. ten, 1998). Mothers are particularly vulnerable to
Developmentally. women have been expected blame and guilt because of societal expectations
from the point of early adulthood to accept being that they bear primary responsibility for the care
uprooted every time their husbands moved for a and well-being of homes, their husbands, then-
better job. to accept their husbands' lack of com- children, and their aging parents. The traditional
munication and unavailability, and to handle all re- family not only encouraged, but even required,
lationships themselves. It is ironic that women, dysfunctional patterns such as the overresponsi-
who are seen as dependent and less competent than bility of mothers for their children and the com-
men. have had to function without emotional supplementary underresponsibility or disengagement
port in their marriages — to be, indeed, almost to- of fathers (Avis, 1985). Daughters and daughters-
tally emotionally self-sufficient (Bernard, 1982). in-law carry those responsibilities for their own
while men were assumed to need the emotional and their husbands' extended families. Now that
support of another human being who sacrificed all most women are combining work and family re-
her own needs for his. Women have typically had sponsibilities, they are increasingly overburdened.
116 CHAPTER 6
Even for today's dual-career couples, the tran- time and feels that he has no experience with
sition to parenthood tends to mark a reversion to "mothering." The problem for the stepmother is
a more traditional division of roles, with women especially poignant, since she is usually the one
doing the lion's share of household maintenance who is most sensitive to the needs of others, and it
and child care planning (Carter, 1996; Hochschild. will be extremely difficult for her to take a back
1989). Still, having a child per se does not appear seat while her husband struggles awkwardly with
to cause women psychological distress, but leaving an uncomfortable situation. The fact is that she has
the labor force does (Barnett & Rivers, 1996; no alternative. The major problem for women in
Wetherington & Kessler, 1989). Yet parenthood is remarried families is their tendency to take respon-
a powerful generator of development, giving us sibility for family relationships, to believe that
new opportunities to redefine and express who we what goes wrong is their fault and that if they just
are and who we can be (Daniels and Weingarten, try hard enough, things will work out, since the sit-
1983; Lerner, 1998). As mothers have always uation carries with it built-in structural ambiguities,
known, and fathers are learning now, loyalty conflicts, guilt, and membership problems
(see McGoldrick, 1996 for a videotape illustration
Children battle you into being more than you
of the problems of remarried families).
thought you were, into giving more tlian you thought
Eleanor Maccoby, who has been writing for
you had it in you Those middle of the nights,
to give.
many years about gender differences in sex-role
you learn something about yourself. (Mother's com-
development, has repeatedly pointed out that while
ment cited in Daniels & Weingarten. 1983, p. 1)
innate gender differences do not appear to be ma-
But our culture still leaves women with the jor, the social context constricts girls from earliest
primary responsibility for child-rearing and blames childhood, and gender segregation is pervasive.
them when it goes wrong (Caplan, 1996; Caplan & Maccoby (1990) cites boys' orientation toward
Hall-McCorquondale, 1985). Seventy-three percent competition and dominance, to which girls seem to
of mothers with children in the home work, and 60 be averse, and the fact that girls appear to have lit-
percent of working mothers have no guaranteed tle ability to influence boys when they are together
maternity leave (a basic right in most industrial- as factors contributing to this. It seems natural that
ized countries). However, since 1980, the amount girls are averse to interacting with someone who is
of public money that we spend on daycare has de- unresponsive and that they begin to avoid such
creased 25 percent. Thus, it is clear that mothers partners. But what is it in the social context that re-
are by no means receiving social support for the inforces boys for being unresponsive to girls? And
tasks that are expected of them in parenting. what can we do to change these patterns? Obvi-
Remarried families offer a number of particu- ously, there is much that we need to do as adults to
larly trying situations for women. Most difficult of ensure that girls' opinions are validated and given
all family positions is undoubtedly the role of step- space in social interactions, but we must change
mother. Given our culture's high expectations of our socialization of boys to increase their sensitiv-
motherhood, the woman who is brought in to re- ity and responsiveness to others (Almeida et al.,
place a "lost" mother enters a situation fraught 1998; see also Chapter 2). This is something that
with high expectations that even a saint could not must be worked on from earliest childhood if girls
meet. One of the major clinical interventions is to are to achieve equity in relationships.
remove from the stepmother the burden of guilt for Among the questions therapists can ask to
not being able to accomplish the impossible — tak- challenge the status quo regarding a mother's over-
ing over the parenting for children who are not her responsibility might be the following:
own. Our general guidelines involve putting the bi-
ological parent in charge of the children, however • Do both parents equally attend children's
difficult that may be when the father works full- school plays and sports events?
WOMEN THROl'GH THI I Will .1 LIFE CYCLE 117
• How are your children changing your perspec- that they do not see themselves as "unclean" or "im-
tive on the meaning of your life? pure." For so long, if sex was even discussed in the
• Does the father get to spend time alone with family, mothers have taught their daughters that
each child? (It is almost impossible to develop menstruation was "the curse" and that sexuality was
intimacy if he does not.) Is the time spent dangerous and would reflect negatively on them.
fairly equally divided among the daughters Sons, by contrast, were taught to view their bodily
and sons? changes, especially their sexuality, as positive, pow-
• How are domestic responsibilities divided? erful, and fulfilling aspects of their identity.
• How is money handled and by whom? Who Adolescence is a key time in a young wo-
makes decisions about spending? man's life. It is the time when, traditionally, she
• What are each parent's hopes and expecta- was specifically inducted into the role of sex object
tions for each child in adulthood? and when, instead, she needs to be encouraged to
• How do you as parents try to counter societal form her own identity and life plans (Gilligan.
preferential treatment of boys and show your 1982; Gilligan. Lyons. & Hanmer. 1990; Mirkin.
daughters they are valuable? 1994; Pipher, 1994). Although acceptance of con-
ventional gender values is at an all-time high dur-
ing adolescence, it is also during this phase that
ADOLESCENCE
crucial life-shaping decisions are made. It is ex-
Adolescence is a time when traditional deferential tremely important for therapists to support and
behaviors for girls come particularly to the fore. encourage parents to be proactive with their
School sports, for example, are unfortunately still daughters, to counter discriminatory messages that
too often organized to highlight boys' competitive girls receive within the culture, and to encourage
prowess, with girls cheerleading on the sidelines. them not to short-circuit their dreams or submit to
Clinically, in working with adolescents and their objectification in their relationships or work.
families, it is important to ask questions about the This phase may mark a time for conversion to
roles each is asked to play in the family. What are a feminist position for fathers of daughters, as they
the chores and responsibilities of boys and of girls? want to support their daughters' having the same
Are girls spending too much time and money on rights and privileges that men do. This awareness
their clothes and appearance in response to media is important to capitalize on therapeutically. Moth-
messages that they should concentrate on being ers may be feeling a strain as their children pull
sex objects? Are sons encouraged to develop social away, particularly as they realize the limitations of
skills, or are parents focused primarily on their their own options if they have devoted themselves
achievement and sports performance? Are daugh- primarily to child-rearing. On the other hand, moth-
ters encouraged to have high academic aspira- ers may feel a special sense of fulfillment in their
tions? Are both sexes given equal responsibility daughters' going beyond the constrictions that lim-
and encouragement in dealing with education, ath- ited their own lives.
letics, aspirations for the future, extended family

relationships, buying gifts, writing, calling, or car-
LAUNCHING CHILDREN AND MOVING ON
ing for relatives? Do both sexes buy and clean their
own clothes? Are daughters encouraged to learn For women, this may be a time of special oppor-
about money, science, and other traditionally "mas- tunity to reinvent themselves, but also a time of
culine" subjects? Clinicians can help by asking special stress, since women often feel very much
questions about these patterns. behind in the skills to deal with the outside world.
We also need to help families find more po- Just when their children no longer need them and
sitive ways of defining for their daughters the they are beginning to be defined by the male
changes of the menstrual and reproductive cycle so world as too old to be desirable, they must venture
—
118 CHAPTER 6
outward. The initial steps are usually the hardest. during the launching phase, when they may feel
Once they have begun to move in this arena, many that their very self is disintegrating. Women's risks
women experience a new confidence and pleasure at midlife due to their embeddedness in relation-
in their independence —no longer having to put ev- ships, their orientation toward interdependence,
eryone else's needs first. Because of the social and their subordination of achievement to care, and
management skills they have generally developed in their conflicts over competitive success are a prob-
the previous life cycle phases, women have remark- lem of our society more than a problem in wo-
able resources for building a social network. Their men's development.
lifelong skills in adapting to new situations also This life cycle phase has often been referred to
serve them in good stead. But the world of work still as the "empty nest" and depicted as a time of de-
does not recognize their efforts in a way that is com- pression for women. Menopause, which usually
mensurate with their contribution, and women have occurs in a woman's late forties or early fifties, has
generally been excluded from the financial world generally been viewed negatively as a time of
and experience frequent discrimination in banks and physical and psychological distress, especially for
legal and business institutions. In addition, women thosewhose whole lives have been devoted to
have typically not been socialized to expect or de- home and family. However, the recent literature on
mand the recognition they deserve. this phase suggests that such a phenomenon is
Of course, the divergence of interests for men much more apparent than real (McQuaide. 1998).
and women, as well as the shift in focus of energies Typically, women are grateful and energized by re-
that is required at this phase, often creates mar- capturing free time and exploring new options for
ital tensions, perhaps leading to divorce. Hayes, themselves. They are not nearly as sorry to see the
Anderson and Blau (1993) challenge the idea that child-rearing era end as has been assumed. For
divorced women over age 40 are lonely, fright- many women, it is a turning point that frees them
ened, and unhappy. On the contrary, for the major- sexually from worries about pregnancy and marks
ity of midlife and older women who divorce, it a new stabilization in their energies for pursuit of
is a catalyst for self-discovery, change, and growth work and social activities (see Chapter 17).
(Anderson. 1994: Apter, 1995). These women tend
to develop new confidence and self-esteem, de-
OLDER FAMILIES
spite the staggering drop in their income after di-
vorce. However, 90 percent of them had no long- The final phase of life might be considered "for
term financial goals or any idea how to confront women only," since women tend to live longer and.
The financial
the financial realities of their lives. unlike men, are rarely paired with younger part-
empowerment of women is an issue that deserves ners, making the statistics for this life cycle phase
much more clinical attention. For women, whose extremely imbalanced. Since women are the pri-
options are much more limited than men's, the mary caretakers of other women, these problems
likelihood of remarriage after a divorce at this will affect at least two generations of women, who
phase is quite slim. In part, this is due to the skew will be increasingly stressed as time goes along.
in availability of partners, and in part, it appears to Women who need care and those who give it
be due to older women's having less need to be are statistically the poorest and have the least leg-
married and thus, perhaps, being less willing to islative power in our society. As was mentioned
"settle." particularly for a traditional marriage, earlier, legislators have given little consideration to
which would mean a return to extensive caretaking services that support family caregivers. The imme-
and sacrifice of their own needs and interests. diate cause of nursing home admission is more
Obviously, women who have developed an likely to be the depletion of family resources than a
identity primarily through intimacy and adaptation deterioration in the health of the older relative.
to men will be particularly vulnerable in divorce While the increase in remarried families might
mean that a wider kinship network is available for throughout the life cycle and show a distorted pri-
caregiving. the increasing divorce rate will proba- oritizing of career networking over friendship.
bly mean that fewer family members will be will- The expanded networks of many lesbian com-
ing or available to provide care for elderly parents. munities can provide a corrective model, emphasiz-
Since both those who give care to the elderl\ and ing the importance of friendship and neighborhood
most of those who receive it are women, the sub- networks, even including ex-partners in a perma-
ject tends to escape our view. As therapists, we can nent extended community network. Lesbians' care-
counter this imbalance by redefining the dilemmas ful nurturing of their networks is an excellent
of both the elderly and their caretakers as serious, adaptation to a society that has been unsupportive
significant issues. and invalidating of their life cycle rituals and transi-
tions, leaving them one of the most invisible of mi-
norities. Their adaptive response is a transformative

WOMEN AND THEIR one. from which we could all benefit.
FRIENDSHIP NETWORKS
Friendship is an extremely important resource for
WOMEN AND LOSS
women throughout the life cycle. From earliest
childhood, girls concentrate more energy on work- The usual coping strategies of women for dealing
ing out friendships than boys do. Girls assess act- with loss leave them isolated and overburdened
ivities in terms of their impact on relationships, (Videcka-Sherman, 1982). For example, in a study
whereas boys usually subordinate relationships of parents' reactions to sudden infant death syn-
to the games they are playing. Throughout life. drome, fathers reported anger, fear, and a loss of
women tend to have more close friends than men control, along with a desire to keep their grieving
do. but the relationships that women have are often private, whereas mothers responded more with
not validated by the larger society (Antonucci. sorrow and depression (DeFrain. Taylor. & Ernst,
1994). Schydlowsky ( 1983) shows that the impor- 1982). Fathers are more likely to withdraw, to take
tance of women's close female friendships dimin- refuge in their work, and to be uncomfortable with
ishes from adolescence to early adulthood, as they their wives' expressions of grief, not knowing how
focus on finding a mate and establishing a mar- to respond and fearful of losing control of their
riage, and then increases throughout the rest of the own feelings. Mothers may perceive their hus-
life cycle. Close female friendships were reported bands' emotional unavailability as abandonment
to be more important than close male friendships when they need comfort most, thereby experienc-
throughout the life cycle, second only to good ing a double loss. WTien husbands are expressive
health in importance for life satisfaction. and actively involved in a child's illness and death
We urge family members to respect and nur- and in the family bereavement process, the quality
ture friendship systems and challenge in therapy of the marriage improves markedly.
societal values that would allow a husband to block Most commonly, when there is a loss, it is
his wife's friendships or invalidate their impor- women who present themselves — or are sent by
tance. In traditional heterosexual couples, women their husbands — for treatment of depression or
were expected to make friends with their hus- other symptoms of distress concerning loss. Inter-
bands' friends' wives to facilitate their husbands' ventions need to be aimed at decreasing the sex-
social or business contacts, rather than to form role split so that all family members can experi-
their own friendships based on common needs and ence their own grief and be supportive to one
interests. In such traditional arrangements, women another in adapting to loss. It is important to facil-
were expected to replace friends whenever they itate fuller involvement for men in the social and
moved for their husbands' jobs. Such arrange- emotional tasks of the loss process, which will en-
ments do not respect friendship as a basic support rich their experience of family life as it lessens
120 CHAPTER 6
the disproportionate burden for women. A greater sponsible for creating problems in which they
flexibility of allowable roles for both men and were, in fact, trapped by the social structure. Thus,
women will permit the full range of human experi- is it most important, in working with women of ev-
ences in bereavement as in other areas of family ery age, to be a force for liberation, validating the
life. ways in which women are different and encourag-
The full participation of male and female fam- ing them to follow their dreams. The following po-
ily members in mourning rituals should be encour- etic narrative by Pat Parker (1985) illustrates the
aged. One woman, at the death of her 100-year-old power of this multigenerational perspective —one
grandmother, expressed her desire to be a pall- that puts us within the context of "herstory," not
bearer at the funeral. One cousin replied that only denying the problems that remain but validating
males could do that; another added that they the power of the women who have come before
already had picked six pallbearers (who all hap- and the connectedness they have to the present
pened to be male grandchildren). She persisted, generation and whose who will come after:
suggesting that they simply have more than six. In

the end, all twelve grandchildren, including five It is from this past that I come, surrounded by sis-
women, shared that important experience. ters in blood and in spirit It is this past that I be-
queath, a history of work and struggle
Each generation improves the world for the next.
THAT THE BUMBLE BEE SHOULD FLY: My grandparents willed me strength, My parents
AFFIRMING WOMEN THROUGH will me pride. I will you rage.
THE LIFE CYCLE I give you a world incomplete, a world where

women still are property and chattel
In Reinventing Womanhood, Carolyn Heilbrun where color still shuts doors, where sexual choice
(1979) said: still threatens, but I give you a legacy of doers of
people who take risks to chisel the crack wider.
If I imagine myself whole, active, a self will I not Take the strength that you may wage a long battle.
cease in some profound way to be a woman ? The Take the pride that you can never stand small.
answer must be: imagine, and the old idea of Take the rage that you can never settle for less
womanhood be damned When I was a girl, my
father told me the story of the bumble bee. Accord-
ing to the science of aeronautics, so the story- CONCLUSION
went, was impossible for a creature of the size
it
and weight and construction of a bumble bee to In 1976, Jean Baker Miller's brilliant essay Toward
fly. But the bumble bee, not having been told this, a New Psychology of Women outlined a new path-
flies anyway. way for women's relationships that would involve
reorganizing all men's relationships as well. In the
Carolyn Heibrun's advice seems essential to two decades since that book appeared, we have
clinical work that would free women from the been going through nothing less than a revolution
oppressive structures that would tell them they in the pathways of the life cycle of women. We
cannot fly. Therapy requires recontextualizing hope that our clinical interventions become a liber-
women's history, countering societal pressures ating force, fostering the creative and adaptive
for voicelessness and invisibility, and affirming changes in human development that allow more
women's own life stories (Carter, Papp, Silverstein latitude for both men and women in their ways of
& Walters, 1988). Traditional therapies have prob- relating to their mates and peers, in their intergen-
ably done more harm than good, failing as they did erational connectedness, and in their relationships
to acknowledge women's oppression and invalida- to work and community. We do not believe that the
tion in the larger context and psychologizing social relational and emotionally expressive aspect of de-
problems that made women think they were re- velopment is intrinsic to women (see Chapter 2).
WOMEN THROl'GH THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 121
We see the romanticization of feminine" values as and women will be able to develop their potential
inaccurate and unhelpful to Families < Hare-Mustin. without regard for the constraints of gender stereo-
1983). It is also not enough for women to adopt typing that have been so constricting of human ex-
the "male" values of the dominant culture and perience until now. It is clear that traditional
to devalue what have been traditionally "female" marriage and famil) patterns are no longer work-
values. ing for women, if they ever did, and the statistics
We aim toward a theory of famil) and individ- reveal women's dissatisfaction. In our view, these
ual development where both instrumental and rela- patterns will change only when we have worked
tional aspects of each individual will be fostered. out a new equilibrium that is not based on the pa-
The "feminine" perspective has been so devalued triarchal family hierarchy. And we will understand
that it needs to be highlighted, as Harriet Lerner. and appreciate women's potential and dilemmas
the Stone Center, bell hooks. Audre Lorde. Paula only when we consider all women together: gay
Gunn Allen. Carol Gilligan. Betty Friedan. Man- and straight, young and old, black and white and
Field Belenkv. Mary. Pipher. and so many others all the hues in between.
have recently been doing. It is hoped that both men
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Chapter 7.
MEN IN TRANSITION
THE "NEW MAN"
ELLIOTT J. ROSEN
THE NEW MAN AND THE LEGACY you we cannot continue marriage counseling
that
OF MASCULINITY with you. You seem like a warm and sympathetic

fellow and spoke highly of you. However. I
In a provocative memoir, Jane Lazzare relates her do not believe you can be helpful to us.
experience as a white mother raising two black
I do not know exactly what you meant when you
sons. She emphasizes that understanding and talk-
spoke of my wife as being (and I think this is a di-
ing about race must include an awareness of White- rect quote) "one-down and powerless" in her mar-
ness, because "understanding racism does not occur riage, but anyone who can say this about a woman,
automatically or quickly. . . [that] racism involves who plays more tennis in one week than I get to
power, an intricate pattern of privilege we enjoy" play in a year, has no idea what the real world is all
about.
(Lazzare, 1996, p. xvi). What is true of race is sim-
ilarly true of gender. While it is often noted that Thank you for your time. Enclosed is a check for
much of history is about men, written by men, and our meeting.
focused on men's accomplishments, men them- Sincerely,
selves have seldom been consciously aware of gen-
der as a dimension of their lives (Kivel, 1 992). This This was the early 1980s, and in the flush and
lack of awareness of maleness, much like the blind-

pride of new-found therapeutic feminism, my first
ness to Whiteness, perpetuates power inequities reaction was the familiar sigh and the expletive
that will never be addressed unless consciously ex- "men. " Yet I could not get the experience out of
amined. Explorations of maleness, fueled by the my mind. It had been a good session! I had done a
liberation movements and growing awareness of solid job of clarifying the issues in this first consul-
gender, class, race, sexual orientation, and ethnic- tation: Theirs was an arrangement that mirrored
ity may even raise the question of whether we stand how men and women counterproductively align
at the threshold of an era of the "new man" (Kim- themselves in traditional marriage. Unless she un-
mel, 1996). When a million men can march on derstood that her depression and rage were related
Washington to claim — or reclaim — their maleness, to her dependence on him and he understood that
and when scores of sports stadiums throughout the his sense of powerlessness and frustration were the
country can fill to the voices of men vowing to keep result of his believing his power and privilege to be
their promises, we most surely take notice. a burden, as his having no option other than to
If you have practiced family therapy long work harder and harder to satisfy the inexhaustible
enough, you are sure to have compiled a "fan mail" needs of his family, they would continue to strug-
gle. In this, a new era in social history, it would be
file. I have an enlightening letter in my fan mail file
dated February 8, 1983: necessary for both to critically address traditional
gender roles; while feminism had begun to face the
Dear Dr. Rosen: issues for women, challenging the norms of mas-
Thank you for meeting with my wife and me this culinity would be an even greater task. Such norms
now I assume she has called to tell
past evening. By as avoiding femininity; suppressing emotional vul-
124
Ml \ IN IRW'SITION 125
nerability; elevating the primacy o\' work: glori- remains an opportunity to prove one's ability to
fying self-reliance, aggression, and toughness; create oneself as a man. The premise of Kimmel's
striving for dominance: sexual objectification; and work is that the cultural history of American men
homophobia are among those enumerated by Rob- is the drive to define themselves —by either exces-
ert-Jay Green (1998). To change them would be sive efforts at self-control, reactive exclusion, or
virtually to invent a "new man." escape. These three themes, which he traces over
two centuries, are now evident as contemporary
men attempt to come to grips with their identity:
IS THERE A "NEW MAN? men's movements: the
the appeal of the Christian
Garrison Keillor,The Book of Guys, writes that

in rising tide of neo-Nazi, nativist, and xenophobic-
"years ago. manhood was an opportunity for movements; and the glorification of native Ameri-
achievement, and now it is a problem to be over- can wilderness quests and sweat lodges are just a
come" (Keillor. 1993. p. 1 1 ). When was this "years few of many latter-day efforts to grapple with mas-
ago" that Keillor writes about and how do the lives culine identity.
of American men differ from those of previous Homophobia is usually presumed to refer only
generations? Sociologist Michael Kimmel. in his to the fear of the homosexual, but more univer-
superb cultural histor\ Manhood in America, sally, it is an ingrained fear of other men. As Kim-
traces the American notion of "maleness" from its mel (1996, p. 120) has pointed out. men fear not
earliest roots in the oedipal revolt of the Sons of "women, but of being ashamed or humiliated in
Liberty against Father England and suggests that front of other men. or being dominated by stronger
maleness has meant different things at different pe- men." When I asked male friends and colleagues.
riods ofAmerican history. He argues that Ameri- "What is your most negative or unpleasant child-
can men have always had some anxiety about hood social memory?" almost every one reported
gender, at times to the point of pathology (Kim- an incident in which he was humiliated or bullied
mel. 1996). by a bigger or older boy or in which he felt domi-
The notion of the "self-made man," for exam- nated or weak in a social situation.
ple (a term that was first coined in the nineteenth The dilemma of male identity and the mean-
century), has been a category within which many ing of masculinity has been even more pronounced
American men have sought to define themselves for Black men and homosexuals. With a legacy of
for generations, and that, of course, obscures their slavery and oppression. African American men
connections to those who have nurtured and raised have been faced with the agonizing task of re-
them. This notion, forged in tandem with the pecu- claiming a manhood that was stolen from them as
liarly American sociopolitical belief in manifest part of their initiation into America. Literary and
destiny and the frontier, allowed for enormous cre- journalistic images of freed Black slaves through
ativity and exploration while simultaneously bur- the turn of this century had focused on the familiar
dening men with a sense of rootlessness and dif- idea of the self-made man who would reclaim his
ficulty in determining a firm sense of identity. It manhood (Kimmel. 1996). This theme continued
may also contribute to their valuing their own ex- to be articulated by the Black liberation movement
perience over their accountability to others they of the 1 960s. which focused on concepts such as
live The additional phenomenon of many
with. pride and manhood: Eldridge Cleaver's manifesto
boys coming of age in families without fathers has of Black manhood. Soul on Ice, ignited the imagi-
added to the difficulty of forging identity (Pittman. nation of young Black men. Today's Black Mus-
1993). The strong cultural strain for American lim movement has much appeal in the Black
men of going forth to seek one's fate and destiny is community because it is unambiguous in its iden-
well documented in fact and fiction. As long as tification of who men need to be. A traditional be-
there is a wilderness, an uncharted frontier, there lief in men as strong, protective warriors and
126 CHAPTER 7
family providers (and women as in need of protec- identified as "less than masculine" has been a
tion) is the cornerstone of the Black male revival frightening prospect. The Stonewall riots of 1969
movement, which is most publicly represented by marked the beginnings of a shift in self-confidence
the Nation of Islam. It has, perhaps not inciden- and self-regard for gay men. Moreover, it would
tally, provided a strong rationale for some African seem that gay men have been more successful than
American women to support what appears to many heterosexuals in breaking out of the stereotypical
White feminists as a sexist credo. There are some models of manhood. Because of the forced or cho-
women's voices in the African American commu- sen nonconformity on the part of gay men "and es-
nity who publicly grapple with male-female is- pecially gay men who create and sustain couple
sues, but they are not well known. One example is relationships... [they] have been socialized differ-
Pearl Cleage, whose new understanding

call for a ently than other men and therefore have distinctive
of "brotherhood," in which awareness of and com- relational styles, abilities, and values that differ
passion for women and children are a cornerstone, from those of heterosexual men" (Green, Bettin-
is poignant and powerful (Cleage, 1990). But in a ger, & Zacks, 1996, p. 209).
community in which the anomie and alienation of The theme that dominates the life cycle of het-
men have created much pain and arrested develop- erosexual men is a profound sense of challenge, a
ment, Black women are far more willing to exer- sense of being constantly tested, whether at home
cise patience with their men and to defend them or in the world of work. How a man perceives him-
against White criticism. was recently chastised
I self as meeting that challenge is likely to underlie
by the wife of an African American man I was his fundamental sense of self. Although Hamlet's
treating when I mildly challenged what I charac- famous soliloquy is usually characterized as the ul-
terized as her husband's irresponsibility regarding timate existential challenge, it can be viewed even
finances. "I don't expect perfection from him," she more pointedly as a peculiarly masculine dilem-
scolded me, "and I think it's pretty patronizing of ma: 'To be," we recall is "to take arms against a sea
you to." of troubles and, by opposing, end them." "Or not
For gay men, the difficulty of conforming to to be," on the other hand, is "to suffer the slings
traditional male roles is an important aspect of and arrows of outrageous fortune." This reflects a
their having been prevented from achieving a uniquely male conundrum: If I let down my guard
sense of themselves as "acceptable" men. Ironi- or allow myself to be vulnerable I will be hurt, de-
cally, there have been times when society has been fenseless against the vicissitudes of life and rela-
more welcoming to the gay life, particularly in the tionships; if I mobilize my defenses, I will be
larger cities (Kaiser, 1997). However, brief periods safe. This tension between perceived strength and
of open acceptance have nearly always met with weakness lies at the core of male being (Brod,
extreme reactivity and anxiety —with the dangers 1988). It is also at the core of what one clinician re-
of feminization and homosexuality being linked as fers to as "male relational dread" (Bergman, 1996).
scourges on the purity of family and society. His- Among the many beliefs that attend to this dread is
torically, a direct accusation of homosexuality, or that relationships will ultimately end in disaster,
even the suggestion of femininelike behavior, has that they will cause damage, or that they may result
proven a death knell to the success of public fig- in violence. Often, when men do become self-
ures. The social institutionalization of homopho- aware as men in relationships they tend to focus on
bia has been well documented (Cohler, Hostetler, their internal experience rather than on the impact
& Boxer, 1998; Eisler, 1995). From the public of their social privilege. As one group of clinicians
attacks on political personalities such as Adlai working with men points out, their "men's groups
Stevenson, Michael Dukakis, and others as "ef- emphasize personal accountability to others rather
feminate" to the more localized travails of untold than to self. In our experience, one of the most
numbers of teachers, coaches, and clergy, to be common problems men have is overfocusing on
—
MEN IN TRANSITION 127
'self* and the resolution' of their feelings." he explained, allowed him to relate companionably
(Almeida, Wood, Messineo, & Font, 1998). to the other boys in his neighborhood — to be
The definition of masculinity is, of course, a "one of the guys."
social construct. While we are born biologically
male or female, the notions of feminine and mas-
MEN AND POWER
culine are cultural and socially determined. When
it comes to defining "maleness" or "masculinity," Few subjects have demanded more attention in the
we often find that these terms are defined by what family therapy literature in recent years than that
a man is not — not a woman, not a boy, not a ho- of the power imbalance between men and women.
mosexual (Green, 1998). What we do know about The subtlety and hidden nature of this power
being a man is that masculinity is something that imbalance are often at the core of resistance to
needs to be proved, constantly and regularly, to change in couples therapy. While examples of how
one's self and to others women, to — to men. to this power is manifested in terms of physical in-
parents, to co-workers. This may be among the timidation or financial leverage are common, the
heaviest burdens borne by men. A man's psycho- more subtle evidence often perplexes therapists.
logical life is a constant struggle with what he be- For example, it can be demonstrated in a descrip-
lieves are the demands of his masculinity, and for tion of the decision-making process for infertile
children, there is a paucity of alternative models couples. Even in situations in which the man is in-
for manhood. Paul Kivel (1992) offers a personal fertile, it is the woman who must make decisions
reminiscence: and take action (Lorber & Bandlamudi, 1993).
Without his cooperation, of course, she can neither
When I was a teenager I lived in a world inhabited use his sperm nor opt for donor insemination; but
entirely by men. All myfriends were the other guys since she bears more painfully the social onus of
on the block or at school. I spent almost every
childlessness —and thus is often more desperate to
minute with them. Every hook
sion show or movie I
I read. e\ery televi-
watched was by and about
conceive —her bargaining power is compromised.
"Even though the man seems to be in a disadvan-
men. Everything I learned in history. . . was about
the one with the phys-
men. At home I tried to be like my father—/ dis- taged position, since he is
counted my mother and ignored my sister. Girls iological problem, the combination of social
were distant, shining sex objects that I dreamed pressures and men's marital power reduces the
about but who did not fit into my daily experience, woman's ability to bargain for what she wants in
(pp. 31-32) the situation" (Lorber & Bandlamudi, 1993. p. 33).
Nevertheless, it is in such situations that men often
A number of metaphors for masculinity are accuse women of owning all the power. "It's you"
incorporated at an early age for boys, and chief he may argue, "who wants a child... and I'm will-
among them is sports. I can recall the hours I spent ing to cooperate. Why are you being so difficult
as a young adolescent shooting hoops alone on the about it?"
playground, accompanied by a leitmotif of myself Any discussion of power in marriage must ad-
as sports announcer, describing my prowess and dress not only tradition-bound male privilege, but
competition against various NBA opponents also the many significant advantages that come with
against whom I always triumphed. Even for many financial control and physical strength. Not surpris-
young boys who lack physical athletic prowess, ingly, the notion of the man as the head of household
the identification with sports teams and sports he- remains firmly entrenched, despite dramatic demo-
roes forms a powerful framework for thinking graphic changes in women's employment outside
about the world. I man who suf-
recently treated a the home. Even though only about 15 percent of
fered crippling polio in childhood and who became American households are supported solely by a
a virtual encyclopedia of sports information, which. male breadwinner (down from 42 percent in 1960).
—
128 CHAPTER 7
a large percentage of men continue to espouse a be- rearing patterns and social acceptance of violence
lief that men should maintain the sole provider role continue to reinforce the image of men as "real
(Wilkie, 1991. 1993). Of course, since many men men"* when they are physically tough and willing
believe that their identity as men depends on their to show it. In a recent TV series, a 30-something
maintaining decision-making prerogatives, it is dif- attorney was explaining to his female colleague the
ficult for them to imagine a marital system in which zeal he was bringing to the defense of a young man
such decision-making is more equitable. This accused of slugging another fellow in defense of
blindness, culturally instilled and reinforced at ev- his girlfriend, whom the latter was insulting. De-
ery turn, permits men to experience the demand spite his many life successes, the lawyer claimed,
that they change as a demand that they relinquish he was plagued by the memory of being bullied on
power while continuing to bear the overresponsibil- the playground by a bigger boy. It was only when
ity of manhood. Even in marriages that begin with a finally, as an adult, he hit a man who was intimi-
more equal or shared notion of gender role, the ar- dating him in a bar that he was able to reclaim his
rival of children often signals a "backsliding into wounded manhood. His female colleague argued
traditional marriage** (Carter, 1996. p. 13). Many feebly with this notion, but it was clear to the
factors contribute to this regression, but certainly viewer that she understood — as did the jury that
a primary' factor is the husband's belief that he is acquitted the young man. No mention was made of
now burdened with far too much "real-world" re- the degree to which such violence "in defense" of
sponsibility (i.e., earning —
money and lots of it) women is a subtle demonstration of the "owner-
to compromise that pursuit with more mundane ship" of women. As one clinician has pointed out,
and less productive —household chores. This think- a man's need to control the '"dangerous sexuality of
ing has been reinforced by modern-day male po- women" has often resulted in homicide or suicide
lemicists such as Warren Farrell who argue that (Pittman. 1993). The preponderance of violent
marriage is an unfair deal for men in that women themes in television, movies, and video games de-
have many options and men are stuck with only one signed for young children continue to reinforce the
choice: to work full-time (Farrell. 1986). This acceptability of the notion that "boys will be
neatly deflects the focus from a consideration of boys." Certainly the glorification of military cul-
men*s privilege and power to self-pity for being ture, reinforced by a sports vocabulary replete with
"burdened" to provide for others. It also ignores the murder, mayhem, and military metaphor, will con-
potential for mutual decision making about career tinue to encourage more aggressive, violent behav-
choices, life-style, child-rearing practices, and a young men (see Chapter 13).
ior in
host of other matters that are seldom addressed if The contemporary Black and Christian men's
they interfere with this privilege. movements have, to their credit, been willing to
The issue of men's power as manifested in do- take clear ownership of violence as a male prob-
mestic violence and abuse is discussed more fully lem. A frequent message in many of their rallies
in this volume (see Chapter 28). What must be and meetings has been that violence against
noted here, of course, is the fact that violence and women and children must cease and that men must
physical abuse are fundamentally problems that atone for their history of physical abuse and
must be addressed by men. The early feminist cri- change their ways. However, there is an inherent
tiques of family therapy's treatment of domestic paradox in this message. The men's movement, in
violence rightfully highlighted the further victim- general, has strongly espoused a return to tradi-
ization of women in a therapy devoted to uncover- tional gender roles and traditional family values.
ing how "the system" contributed to an atmosphere Such roles and such values have historically fos-
in which violence could occur (Goodrich. Ram- tered violence, abuse, and physical control of
page, Ellman, & Halsted. 1988: Walters. Carter, weaker members of the system. A return to this tra-
Papp. & Silverstein. 1988) Needless to say. child- model will inevitably perpetuate a
ditional family
rigid system in which power and gender hierarchy ated his image as a manly leader. Ironically, he was
prevail —and violence and abuse are likely to oc- defeated by Bill Clinton, who campaigned as a
cur. Some 80 percent or more of lethal violence in "new man," willing to express emotion and ac-
America is perpetrated by men, and one study that —
knowledge weakness and even to admit that he
examined gender, intimacy, and lethal violence re- and his family had been in family therapy. Yet
vealed that there has been little change over time in within months of his election. Clinton's popularity
the pattern of men killing their wives and unmar- was eroded by the controversial debate over gays
ried partners (Browne & Williams, 1993; see also in the military and the accusation that his wife was
Chapter 28). too powerful — the implication, of course, being
that he was not man enough to control her.
The desire for male camaraderie is a frequent

MEN, FRIENDSHIP, AND THE
theme in any discussion about male socialization.
MEN'S MOVEMENTS
"Men court men," says one observer of the male
It has become a commonplace observation that condition (Tiger, 1969, p. 14). The popularity of
men have difficulty creating and sustaining same- buddy movies reflects this, as does the emphasis on
sex friendships or communicating their emotional team sports, fraternities, clubs, and other group ac-
problems or vulnerability. One of my clients, Bar- tivities for men. Jokes, sarcasm, and humor serve a
bara, described a conversation with her husband similar purpose, reaffirming values of friendship,
upon leaving his company's holiday party: She generosity, and heterosexuality (Walker, 1994). Ca-
commented on how sad it was that Bob (one of her maraderie, play, and "hanging out" notwithstand-
husband's partners) and Susan (his wife) had fi- ing, it is difficult for men to form deep friendship
nally been forced to place their adult, retarded son bonds in adulthood. A common theme in therapy
in an institution. "Bob has a retarded son?" he re- with men is that of loneliness. It is probably fair to
plied. Barbara sighed and rolled her eyes. "You've say that most men women nearly exclusively
seek
worked with him for ten years and you never knew as confidantes and look to men as playmates rather
they were caring for a profoundly retarded son at than as sources of emotional support (Pittman,
home?" she said. "It never came up." replied her 1993). I make it a practice to question men in treat-
husband. ment carefully about their friendship patterns.
It has been frequently noted that men's friend- Their wives are often quick to observe that their
ship patterns differ dramatically from those of wo- husbands have no close friends and are fairly
men (Miller, 1983; Walker, 1994). Indeed, there alone, with no one to talk to. A man is likely to re-
does seem a longing on the part of men for a more ply that, of course, he has friends— and mention
sustaining, nurturing connection with other men, the names of a few other men. His wife will imme-
although this need for same-sex companionship is diately counter by pointing out that he seldom talks
often thwarted by powerful cultural strains of ho- with these guys and may not see or speak to them
mophobia (Swain. 1 989). Each generation has cre- for months on end.
ated its own rendition, from the hypermasculine It would appear than an obstacle to male
Jacksonian version of the 1 830s and the blatantly friendship is the loss of power that closeness with
homophobic Red-baiting of 1950s McCarthyism another might create. If one leaves oneself vulner-
(Kimmel. 1996) to the pages of our present-day able, exposes one's frailties, and shares one's un-
newspapers. The presidential politics of this past certainties about managing life, it is difficult to
decade have continued that theme. Recall that remain in control, in the "one-up" position. Since
George Bush had gone to great lengths to fashion much of a man's life is fraught with the necessity
himself a president in the "tough guy" likeness of of proving himself, there is no doubt that his per-
his predecessor, Ronald Reagan. President Bush's formance is a necessary mask for deeper feelings
military victories in Panama and the Gulf War cre- of low self-esteem and insecurity. This may be one
—
130 CHAPTER 7
aspect of why men turn to women for their more reflects a longing on the part of men for connection
intimate friendships and why these friendships of- with other men. Many of these movements recapit-
ten result in extramarital affairs. For in a world in ulate earlier phenomena in our cultural history. For
which gender and power are so closely related, it is example, at the end of the nineteenth century, some
infinitely safer for a man to risk closeness with a 20 percent of American men were members of or-
woman than with a competitive male. ganizations or fraternal orders that supported a
masculine ideal of camaraderie and grew in reac-
John and Carrie came to couples therapy to try to
tion to a perceived feminization of society (Kim-
save their marriage after it was revealed that John
mel, 1996). One recent exception to the typical
had had an extramarital affair with Carrie's close
pattern of men's movements has been the National
friend, Tanya. Carrie was devastated by the dual
betrayal, and John was ashamed and contrite. In a
Organization of Men Against Sexism. This group
lengthy discussion of friendship, John described

supports a program that condemns racism and sex-
how easy it was to talk to Tanya about his doubts ism but, needless to say, has not gained the kind of
and uncertainties and how agonizing a similar con- public notice or interest among men that the more
versation would be with his wife. "If I ever told traditional conservative movements have.
you some of the things I've told her," John told Particularly interesting are the similarities
Carrie, "you'd pack your bags and run out the door. between the Promise Keepers and the "muscular
You wouldn't want to stay with a pitiful wimp like Christianity" movements of the 1930s and 1940s
me. You admire your father and his strength so I
and Billy Sunday's Christian mission earlier in the
know what you want in a man!" Carrie was bewil-
century. In these organizations, much of the same
dered. "What's marriage for if it's not a place
language used by today's Christian movements
where you can share your doubts and insecurity? I
was present. Jesus was portrayed as hypermascu-
didn't marry my father. I married you."
line, and women were depicted paradoxically as
Men, of course, often confuse intimacy with potentially dangerous while in need of protection.
sexuality, partly because they are not particularly As Billy Sunday loudly proclaimed, Jesus was
comfortable with nor know much about the former "the greatest scrapper who ever lived." and another
(Pittman, 1993). Telling another the details of evangelist counseled that Jesus should be the model
one's life is a common experience for women. At for "magnificent manliness" (Kimmel, 1996). This
an early age, girls are encouraged to share their mission to hold back the demon of feminization
thoughts and feelings with others, and boys are and boyhood reverberates in today's
"revirilize"
discouraged from such intimacies (Tannen, 1990). men's movements when leaders assert that Ameri-
Women have also learned that real closeness with can men face a moral and spiritual crisis in their
men is likely to demand sexual as well as emo- lives and need to "reclaim" leadership in the family
tional intimacy, and they play by these gender from women.
rules. Not to do so would most often spell the end However, as was mentioned, there is an inher-
to a relationship that they wish to maintain. In re- ent danger in a movement that espouses a return to
cent years, as men and women have interacted in a gender-based family hierarchy, in which men are
more equal relationships in school and the work- encouraged to "reclaim leadership." Louis Farra-
place, it has become more common for platonic khan's Nation of Islam has espoused much the
friendships to be maintained between sexes and to same philosophy, albeit in a racially separate
be tolerated more easily by both of the friends' sig- model of manhood. In response to the phenome-
nificant other. non in the African American community of men
In many ways the growth of the men's move- who have been marginalized, underemployed, hu-
ments —from Robert Bly and Sam Keen's mytho- miliated, and oppressed, the appeal of the move-
poeticdrum banging through the Nation of Islam's ment is understandable. The unease with which
Million Man March and the Promise Keepers White America has greeted Farrakhan is certainly
a reflection o\~ historical tear of Black male po- ward creating a more level field of play for boys
tency and race, as well as a legitimate uneasiness and girls, men and women. Title IX guidelines
with a rhetoric fraught with threats. anti-Semitism, have created enormous opportunities for girls and
and distortion of generally accepted historical real- women in competitive sports. Domestic violence
ities. There is no question, however, that much of and sexual harassment laws and other wide-
what latter-day movements have responded to is ranging legislation have made both the home and
the two-centuries-old quest on the part of Ameri- the workplace a safer and more congenial place for
can men for a viable identity, a sense of belonging, women and have clarified expectations for men.
friendship, and a need to be nurtured. Once again. But much remains to be done to ensure gender
the self-made man is searching for the anchor of equality in both spheres.
self-definition.
Becoming an Adult: The Task

MEN AND THEIR RELATIONSHIPS of Differentiation
THROUGHOUT THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
In a world of protracted adolescence, the tasks
Among the many significant shifts in family con- attendant on growing up have become ever more
figuration are the continued shrinkage of the tra- complex and confounding. The gap between haves
ditional nuclear family to only one quarter of all and have-nots grows wider and is most glaringly
households, and the dramatic increase in single- visible through the lens of race. There appear to be
parent families. Further, the fact that within a year two distinct developmental patterns for boys be-
of divorce, some 50 percent of fathers cease con- coming men: for "White middle-class" adoles-
tact w ith their children and 40 percent fail to pay cents, the task of achieving manhood is focused
child support is a disturbing phenomenon and cer- primarily on envisioning a future that includes a
tainly tells us much about men's conceptions of career, financial success, family, and social privi-
themselves as fathers Furstenberg. | et al.. 1983). lege.* For others, the tasks of becoming an adult
As we examine the stages of the family life may be as narrow as avoiding death or arrest (one
cycle and men's roles, rewards, and expectations at of three African American males is dead or in
each stage, we need to keep in mind that there con- prison by age 21) (Roberts, 1994) or avoiding
tinues to be a deplorable lack of preparation for scorn and violence (gay boys experience at an
men to take their place in collaborative relation- early age a distinct sense of being different and of
ships in the family. Gender-biased child-rearing being treated differently) (Savin-Williams, 1996).
practices remain in many ways as entrenched to- Developmental theorists have long contended
day as they have ever been. The encouragement that the chief task for adolescent boys is to effect
that girls receive to be emotionally expressive and separation from their families — especially their
that boys receive to be tough and resilient remains mothers — to achieve a full male identity. Far too
part of the fabric of our child-rearing and our pop- often, this means an emotional disengagement that
ular culture (Maccoby. 1990: Gilligan. 1982 1. As leaves many young men stranded in early adult-
Deborah Tannen has pointed out. "even if they hood, devoid of the emotional anchor that their
grow up in the same neighborhood, on the same parents, especially their mothers, have heretofore
block, or in the same house, girls and boys grow
up in different worlds of words" (1990. p. 43).
Whereas the language of young girls reflects inti- *The term "White middle-class" has become almost useless
macy and sharing, the language of boys as a description of socioeconomic status. I use it here to de-
is compet-
scribe a social stratum that is not poor, not Black or Latino,
itive and boastful, thus creating male-female re-
and not gay. For example, it also includes those who are rich.
lationships that are nearly cross-cultural. This is are Asian, and have a reasonable chance of achieving and
not to say that advances have not been made to- maintaining social privilege.
132 CHAPTER 7
provided. Differentiation, a more comprehensive what they have been told is the adolescent's need
and complex concept, better describes the develop- for autonomy (Silverstein, 1994). George's mother
mental process of becoming autonomous while remains involved and concerned about her sun, but
remaining linked to sources of emotional succor. he perceives her as standing in the way of his
This essential need for healthy attachment has growing up. But George is torn: To please his fa-
been undervalued and even disparaged and ob- ther he needs to embrace a premature and un-
scures men's hidden dependence by devaluing and certain career path: in doing so. he risks being
making invisible those who serve their needs. The emotionally alone and abandoned, treated as if he
disdain in which society often holds men who re- had no emotional needs for vital ///ferdependence,
main emotionally connected to their mothers takes which he desperately desires with his mother but
on near-burlesqued dimensions, as in the film has been taught to resist and disparage. This is
Only the Lonely, in which John Candy plays a especially common for young men like George
schlemiel-like young man whose attempts to have a whose fathers are physically absent or emotionally
love life are constantly thwarted by his controlling unavailable —the case in a large percentage of
mother. Maureen O'Sullivan, or in Philip Roth's American families. Among the consequences of
classic novel Portnoy's Complaint, in which a premature disengagement are the tendency on the
man's obsessive masturbatory fantasies center on part of young men to either shut down emotionally
his mother as the source of his psychic pain. or desperately seek a female companion to act in
mother's stead and heal the pain of "abandonment"
George, a 22-year-old medical student, first ap-
(Pittman. 1993). Other typical patterns for young
peared in treatment with severe anxiety about begin-
ning his clinical rotation. His father, an emotional ly
men include an intensified desire for connection to
distant physician, dismissed his fears, although his an unavailable father (witness the extraordinary
mother was sympathetic, reassuring him that she popularity of movies that reflect the yearning for
would help him if he wanted to take some time off to an idealized father-son relationship, such as the
reconsider his decision to be a doctor, something 1989 film Field of Dreams) and hostility toward
that they had covertly discussed since college. the mother, who is perceived as preventing a rela-
tionship with Dad. Society's normalization of an-
George: know my mother's being too easy on
I
me and Dad's right. It's time I grew up and became ger and hypercriticism toward mothers (and thus
a man. toward women in general) and a failure to develop
Therapist: Does being a man mean being a the relationship skills needed in marriage and later
doctor? parenting will serve as dire impediments to marital
G: No, I think being a man means being tough success. At this sensitive moment in their develop-
enough to face the stuff I don't want to do. and not
ment, young men, feeling
. .
little success or encour-

hiding behind Mom's protection.
agement to connect emotionally, turn toward the
Th: The stuff you don't want to do?
powerfully reinforced male goals of achievement,
G: Yeh. like being a doc. It's ridiculous to be-
lieve that I'll ever make a living as a musician, and money, and power. This may also be an underlying
Mom's support for that fantasy is preventing me factor in the pervasive problems with alcohol and
from doing what I have to do. drugs among adolescent boys and young adults.
Th: Dad wouldn't accept a decision to leave med What is often referred to as "father hunger" is
school and pursue music? deeply felt by many young men (Silverstein. 1994:
G: Not Dad! Me! How do you just throw away Pittman. 1993). but the clinical challenge at this
what you're supposed to do? I think because Mom stage of the family life cycle, as with George, is not
feels she never did what she wanted. I should. . . But
merely to reconnect a man with his father, but
it's different.
rather to help to clarity' the important distinction
Mothers often prematurely disengage from between separation and differentiation. The work
their sons in puberty, and even earlier, to serve with this young man primarily centered on how he
—
could achieve three important tasks: ( 1 ) safely pur- Veronica, a successful corporate executive, ex-
sue experimentation with another possible career pressed her consternation that if James wasn't
willing to do something to advance professionally
option, (2) aggressively pursue a relationship with
and contribute an equal financial share, he could at
his father despite the latter's disappointment, and
least devote more attention and affection to her.
(3) feel the support offered from his mother not
James's failure to advance from a junior position at
as an obstacle to his growth but as support for his
work while others at his level were doing so left
taking a risk. This latter task is often particularly
him frustrated and feeling unsuccessful. He found
difficult for a man, whose mother's support is so
solace in time spent with old high school buddies
glibly characterized as intrusive and a potential im- three or four nights a week and often did not come
pediment to his autonomy. Robert Bly expresses home until early morning, precipitating blow-ups
bluntly that a man must make "a clean break from that left both of them feeling hopeless about their
the mother" (1990, p. 19). The goal of therapy, survival as a couple.
however, is to help him to establish an adult rela-
tionship with his father and mother — to differenti-

Hank and Gabriella. a "30-something"
middle-class" couple, were on the brink of
"White
split-
ting after less than two years of marriage. They

reported irreconcilable arguments in which Gabri-
Becoming a Couple: The Task of Connecting ella raged Hank for his refusal to "put her first"
at
Hank countered that he was not going to

in his life.
It is nearly impossible to compare the process of
"lose my entire career" just because he was mar-
two young people forming a committed relation-
ried. Gabriella. a middle management administra-
ship today with that process as recently as a gener- tor, expressed her strong desire to begin a family
ation or two ago. Given the dramatic changes in but feared that Hank's preoccupation with his work
courtship, marriage, and family life, a typical mar- would later render her a single parent. Hank's fast
riage as characterized by popular culture until the rise in his law firm demanded increasingly more
early 1970s can no longer be taken for granted hours to compete with his other junior partners
(Carter, 1996; see also Chapter 14). Traditional male and female. He found solace in tennis and
gender roles that, until recently, guided and de- golf with his friends on weekends (when he wasn't
working) and often arrived home with only time
fined the character of marriage have lost univer-
enough to shower and dress before going out. pre-
sal acceptance, leaving young adults frantically-
cipitating blow-ups that left both of them feeling
searching for guidance as to how to do it. For
hopeless about their survival as a couple.
young men, in particular, a vague awareness that
something has changed ("this is not my parents' Although both couples' conflicts reflect a com-
marriage") seldom translates into much more than mon problem faced by young adults creating a
an intellectual acknowledgement that the prero- marriage, they also mirror a significant distinction
gatives of being a male are no longer taken for between young "White middle-class" adults and
granted. An integrated awareness of how to man- African American couples. Defining the parame-
age emotional intimacy outside the bedroom or ters of emotional intimacy is a frequent field of
participate in domestic chores as more than an af- combat for young couples. The notion that for a
fable helper is much more difficult to achieve. man, "the most terrifying thing he can imagine is
making a commitment to an equal, honest, intimate

James and Veronica, a "30-something" African
relationship with a woman" (Pittman. 1993, p. 241)
American couple, were on the brink of splitting af-
has been so consistently reinforced as to create a
ter less than two years of marriage. They reported
irreconcilable arguments in which Veronica raged self-fulfilling prophecy in which men are led to be-
at James for his refusal to "put her first" in his life.

lieve that their masculinity cannot survive close-
James countered that he was not going to "give my ness with the opposite sex. The perception must be
whole life away," just because he was married. directly addressed for therapy to be successful; this
134 CHAPTER 7
entails directly challenging the traditional norms able marital system, the arrival of children may
of masculinity and its social supports and encour- shake its foundation.
aging a man to develop his own definition.
Maria and Fred were referred by their pediatrician
The other significant challenge at this stage of
after reporting difficulties with disciplining their
the family life cycle is effecting an appropriate
two young children, ages 6 and 3. Married thirteen
disengagement from one's family of origin. Since
years, they described their life as "perfect" until
differentiation entails achieving autonomy while the arrival of children. First-generation college
maintaining connectedness, the need to remain graduates, they were the envy of their immigrant
part of one's own family, while creating a new families. Both had been working as credit manag-
one — with different values, different goals, and ers, earning good money, vacationing regularly,
different expectations —can be a daunting pros- and living a life neither had imagined growing up.
pect. Young men, of course, are taught to invite When their first child was bom, Maria left work
their female partners to manage social encounters, and had only recently returned, although her hus-
thus ceding contacts with the man's family of ori- band continued working the second job he had
taken to augment the loss of her salary. Child care,
gin to the woman. The result is that many men find
finances, and Fred's long work hours and unavail-
themselves ill equipped to stay connected on their
ability to share domestic responsibilities seemed
own. They thus unwittingly create an enmity be-
even more overwhelming than their concern with
tween themselves and their families of origin, par-
disciplining their kids.
ticularly their mothers, who may perceive the wives
as preventing contact. Young women often are While it is important to respond to parents
baffled: "Why is it my responsibility to call your with practical guidance on discipline, if the couple
mother?" For young gay couples, the issues of dif- has an unequal relationship, concrete suggestions
ferentiation are greatly complicated by the fact that are unlikely to work. In a distant world in which
often, one or both of the partners has yet to "come one salary was adequate to support a family and
out" to his family of origin (see Chapter 20). The few couples had any models other than Ozzie and
sense of stigmatization, already felt in society at Harriet, Fred and Maria would probably have not
large, is reinforced by the subterfuge that is cre- been referred for help. Maria's mother and other
ated to avoid confrontation with parents and ex- relatives (and perhaps Fred's) would have been
tended family. Clinical work with these couples close by to support and guide her in raising her
entails balancing sensitivity to social and internal- children, and Fred might have been a friendly but
ized homophobia while helping them to develop distant dad, adored by his children but clueless
the skills to risk self-disclosure. about their needs. Underlying discontent on both
their parts might have made their relationship tense
and distant, but neither would have imagined an ar-

Becoming Parents: The Task of Guiding
rangement different from what they had. Today,
and Nurturing
however, Maria refuses to tolerate Fred's distance,
The shift in generational responsibility from being and he feels unappreciated for how hard he works.
taken care of to taking care of often creates a crisis When he is angriest at her, his worst denunciation
for couples. At this crucial crossroads of the family has become "You're a ball-busting feminist!" The
life cycle, many young adults falter. Ill-equipped to once-loving couple now live parallel lives, barely
skillfully assume the guidance and responsibility meeting except to argue and express their helpless-
of children ("I feel like a child myself!") and seek- how difficult the children
ness at are and how over-
ing some sense of grounding in how to parent, both whelmed they feel.
men and women often initially embrace a return to Addressing the gendered power imbalance in
tried-and-true traditional parenting roles. Even if the marriage as an underlying source of the prob-
they have been successful in negotiating a work- lem is often the most important issue at this stage
of the family life cycle but a hard point for men to perspective on men as parents. Given that "gay"
grasp. They are usual l\ in touch with their per- often has an antifamily connotation and "father"
sonal anxiety but not their social power. This is implies heterosexuality. the gay father often strug-
commonly reflected in their choices about how to gles with a divided identity (Bigner, 1996). While
be a parent. Fathering" — the active and intimate some states have begun to grant adoptive privi-
involvement in the lives of one's children — is too leges to gay men, the road to overall social accep-
frequently diluted for and by men to the comfort- tance will remain bumpy. In a clinical context, it is
able notion of "quality time." The fact that no qual- interesting to note that gay men are likely to bring
itative parenting can be accomplished without very different gender role assumptions to the par-
hands-on responsibility for both the pleasures enting process. Is there a concern that the child will
and pains of children's lives is a frequent source be deprived of a mother's "unique" nurturance? Is
of conflict between husbands and wives. Having there a belief that the family's makeup must be
never spent an entire day planning and caring for kept secret from a hostile outside environment? Do
his two children, Fred can malign Maria's conten- internalized homophobic feelings create self-doubt
tion that she now has two full time jobs. "My father in one's role as a parent? What are the parents' be-
barely ever spent time with me." claims Fred. "I liefs about the "contagion" of homosexuality? Have
play with my kids all the time. I also tell them I arrangements been made in the case of divorce or
love them and hug them and kiss them some- — death of one parent? These are only a few of many
thing my old man never did. So don't tell me I'm issues that need to be addressed in working with
not a good father." Since the model for high- gay parents.
quality fathering is so abysmally lacking in our so-
ciety, their boasts about the quality of their own
The Family with Adolescents:
involvement is hard to assail. Further, since the pa-
The Task of Renegotiation
rental behaviors of empathy, compassion, and emo-
tional engagement are so often characterized as A man whose family has begun the raising of ado-
maternal, many men see them as trivial and, at lescents is also likely to face a midcourse examina-
best, a luxury (Taffel & Masters, 1989). tion of his own life. As adolescents flex the muscles
Contemporary fathers, however, seem to be of their burgeoning adulthood, assess the boundaries
caught in an either-or dilemma regarding their of newfound sexual awakenings, explore the limits
roles as parents. Either they relinquish the role to of imagining an identity, and consider where they
their wives because they believe themselves inca- have been and where they are going, their fathers are
pable or too responsible for the real-world tasks to often surprised at the degree to which they them-
do it themselves, or they assume the most superfi- selves are affected. This stage of the family life cy-
cial ("quality time") dimensions of the role, since cle is likely to coincide with a man's midlife crisis,
even that is far more than what their fathers did. in which he, too, reflects on the course of his life. If
The clinical task is to help couples to envision par- men have been acculturated to judge their worth by
enthood as a shared, equal task, in which providing how high they have risen and how much money they
nurturing, discipline, empathy —and even throwing have accumulated, then their mid-forties may
a baseball — are the province of both parents, re- indeed create a crisis. (Note the popular bumper
gardless of gender. An added benefit, of course, is sticker "Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.")
that the road to a better marital relationship often Men and women at this stage of the life cycle
goes through a shared, collegial parenthood in which find themselves sandwiched between their chil-
both are active and mutually respected partners. dren and their parents, creating a tension that often
As an increasing number of gay couples look results in a woman's assuming more responsibil-
to adopt children — or together one or the raise ity and a man's disengaging from the demands of
other's biological children — we encounter a new heightening emotional expectations.
—
136 CHAPTER 7
Susan and Byron, a couple in their late forties with apist's office as a vague family dysfunction — often
three adolescents, presented a multitude of prob- with an acting-out adolescent — may mask a father's
lems in their first session. Susan had just completed unacknowledged depression, which has been nor-
a round of adjuvant chemotherapy for breast cancer,
malized in the family, naively accepted simply as a
Byron's mother had been placed in a nursing home
reflection of how men are. His formulation suggests
Byron was
as her Alzheimer's disease worsened,
smoking marijuana regularly, and their three chil-
that the family may operate — as does Byron's — in
the throes of a double bind: They must take respon-

dren, while apparently well-adjusted, were behav-
sibility for a condition (Dad's depression) that
ing like adolescents and challenging their parents at
every turn. Susan angrily reported that her husband supposedly does not exist.
was retreating further and further from contact with Byron was having difficulty finding away to
her, seemed nearly always high, left her to attend to positively frame his life when he and Susan ap-
his mother's needs, and barely spoke to the kids. peared for therapy. Unfortunately, his emotional
Byron accused Susan of being occupied only with floundering added to his inability to focus on his
herself and unconcerned with how out of control he wife's health crisis in any helpful way. In fact his
was feeling in the face of her illness, his mother's
emotional dependence on Susan was further af-
deterioration, and the children's lack of respect. In
fected by her illness, and it emerged early on that her
the midst of their fights, he frequently threatened to
leave. Susan's basic response to him was: "Grow
caring for his mother — a task she resented and de-
up. I don't need four teenagers."

—
manded that he also share was necessary to reas-
sure him that she would not abandon him. In par-
This case illustrates a number of crises that are ticular, Byron's father's death a few years earlier had
nearly normative in the family at the life cycle given him a sense of his own mortality; in addition,
stage of adolescence. It is frequently a stage at he reported feeling that his distance from his chil-
which the family is first likely to confront the spec- dren had the potential to become a rewrite of his his-
ter of physical illness; the family will probably be tory with his father. Despite Susan's reassurances
dealing with one or more ill or infirm grandpar- that his children did, indeed, want more contact with
ents; children will begin testing the limits of their him, Byron's failed relationship with his own father
independence; and a man will find himself exam- and unresolved issues with his mother left him feel-
ining his life and wondering whether his work and ing inadequate in his dealing with them. Some direct
his marriage have met his expectations. He is less suggestions with men at this stage of the family life
hkely to consider the question of whether he has cycle can be effective in helping them to form
met the expectations of others. In Byron's case, of deeper emotional ties with their children. If their
course, his preoccupation with his own needs al- parents are still living, this is an appropriate time to
lows him to rationalize his inattention to the crisis employ a coaching method for helping them heal the
of his wife's life-threatening illness. wounds in their families of origin. In the case of this
Many men at this stage seize the opportunity couple, however, it was also necessary to impress on
to affect a midcourse correction and focus on both Byron and Susan that his emotional needs
deepening family ties, carving out recreational op- consistently attended to by Susan throughout their
portunities, reconnecting with extended family, remarriage —could not be allowed to eclipse the larger
negotiating their marriages, and intensifying efforts issue of his failure to respond helpfully to her illness.
to spend more time with their children. However, In an often chaotic world, issues of letting go
this confluence of predictable life cycle crises may of one's children often become paramount. Coping
also result in men suddenly confronting their mor- with the distancing behavior of adolescents can be
tality, contemplating leaving, retreating from con- a painful experience for fathers, who are unpre-
tact from their wives and children, turning to al- pared to manage what they experience as personal
cohol, to drugs or to an extramarital affair. Ronald rejection. In addition, for fathers who have fash-
Taffel (1990) suggests that what presents in a ther- ioned themselves as the protectors of their families,
—
\II.N INTRANSIIIOX 137
the risk taking in which adolescents engage can be lamih life (see Chapter 18). Men once again face
disconcerting and result in their overprotecting and the need to reevaluate their lives, a process that
stifling children who are best left tree to experiment commonly begins in the previous period.
within reason. This can be a uniquely troubling is-
Harold, a 56-year-old plumber, was referred for
sue for African American and gay fathers who are
therapy by his cardiologist, who also prescribed
aware that the potential physical danger to their Prozac to his patient. Harold had been taking the
children — particularly their sons — is not imagined, medication for about six weeks w hen he called me.
but quite real. With an astronomical mortality rate and although he reported some mood enhance-
American adolescent boys and the cruel
for African
ment, he still felt "pretty bummed." Two of his
three children had left home, and the third was
somatization and violence for homosexual ado-
completing high school and would soon be off to
lescents, it is difficult to find the line that separates
college. Harold had been an active, involved fa-
overconcern from good sense. ther, often scheduling work around his children's
Extramarital affairs, not uncommon for men at activities. As his daughter prepared to leave home,
this stage, are motivated by a variety of factors: fear he reported feeling increasingly annoyed b\ his
of mortality and a desire to recapture a sense of wife's demands, doubtful about follow ing through
with their plans to retire to Florida, and asking
youth, confusing their needs for emotional connect-
"What's it all about anyway?"
edness with sex. a feeling of missed opportunities
mirrored in their observation of their adolescent Harold's lament about the meaning of his life
children, an inability to address their dissatisfaction is common concern, as is the need to face a mar-
a
with the marriage, making it easier to escape than riage that may have been conveniently marginal-
negotiate, and loneliness created by the awareness ized during the raising of children. This existential
that they no longer occupy the center stage of their crisis, coupled with the demands from a spouse
wives' and childrens' lives. Further, since men are that the marriage take a new direction w ith the exit
raised in a culture in which pornography is often of children, is the highlight of this stage of the fam-
their introduction to sexuality, there is a natural ten- ily life cycle.The "empty nest syndrome," long
dency to objectify women. There is certainly no one considered exclusive to women, is increasingly de-
way to deal clinically with a man's affair, but it scribed by men. Even when children return to the
should be emphasized that the necessity of his fac- nest, their presence seems tenuous, and this period
ing his own responsibility and the ways in which the is characterized by frequent entrances and exits
affair reflects some sense of failure in his life is a vi- not only of children, but of the previous generation
tal element in treatment. Whatever else the affair as well. A man may be faced with an overwhelming
represents, most men need to face the hard fact that. task of retooling a multitude of relationships simul-
like their adolescent sons, it is mostly about trying to taneously: with his parents, his wife, his children,
feel like a man. and the new generation, his grandchildren.
The realignment of relationships with the
previous generations demands the settling of un-
Launching Children: The Task of Moving On
resolved issues and the acceptance of some re-
It is hardly unusual in a group of people in their fif- sponsibility for the welfare of parents, while the
ties, and even sixties, to find that nearly even, one realignment of relationships with one's children
has at least one living parent, and many still have may demand a flexibility that has heretofore been
both. There was a time when this stage of the fam- untested. Both offer an excellent opportunity for
ily life when the task of most
cycle barely existed, the therapist to utilize Bowenian-style family of
families was exclusively raising children, well into origin coaching to achieve those ends. It is impor-
old age. The need to create a new life after children tant for a man to realize that caretaking of elderly
have left home is a relatively new phenomenon, parents may require more than merely sending
given our extended life span and other changes in monev and leaving the rest to his wife or other
— —
138 CHAPTER 7
female family members. There is a direct relation- striving to win and to maintain control remain para-
ship between involvement with parents and the mount. Recent reports of drug companies investing
ability to mentor the next generation. Even so, exorbitant sums on the research and development of
most men will need specific coaching on how to medications to assure male potency, even in the face
conduct their own relationship with their young of aging and prostate failure, is one indication of this
adult children, especially if they have previously drive. The reality for most men, however, is facing
left this to their wives or are divorced. their diminishing physiological and psychological
The paradox of this period for men is that it health, remaining optimistic in the face of shrinking
ought to be liberating. Finally, there is time, and opportunities for making their mark, relinquishing a
often the financial wherewithal, to do all those place to the next generation, and facing the increas-
things that have been postponed, and indeed, for ing number of losses in their lives as well as their
many men, this can be freeing and stimulating. Yet own prospective demise.
for others, the quest for that elusive meaning of
masculinity leaves them unable to relinquish the When Anders and Lorraine Parsons came to their
status that both defines them and weighs upon first session, Lorraine said, "We're here because I
them. Additionally, their having failed to master can no longer tolerate my husband's irritability and
the skills of sustaining interpersonal relationships aimless puttering. I feel like since he retired, my job
may make this a painful period of life. Marriages is to be his playmate, and if I am even momentarily
can be sorely tested at this point, and indeed, while unavailable, he turns on me angrily." Anders, a 72-
year-old architect, had retired two years previously,
unheard of only a generation or two ago, divorce
reluctantly turning his firm over to his son and
after twenty-five years of marriage is becoming in-
niece.He claimed to have many projects planned,
creasingly common. At this particular stage, women
but he seemed unable to get much started. He
are likely to feel farmore vulnerable in a marital
sought out old acquaintances for golf, but many had
breakup, and men seldom leave without already
moved to warmer climes, others were ill. and some
having become involved in another relationship had died. His retirement had not turned out as he'd
frequently with a much younger woman. As in the hoped, he was embittered at feeling pushed out of
previous stage, one must investigate the meaning his business, and he discovered that Lorraine
of the affair, probe the degree of satisfaction with whom he had counted on to manage the household
his life and achievement to date, and connect these and his social life and who he assumed would be
to the attitudes about men that predominate in the available for him — was occupied with her friends,
volunteer work, and grandchildren.

larger social system. Separation and divorce may
serve as a substitute for undone personal emotional
work or a search for the fountain of youth. They Anders is at risk, of course, given the dispro-
may also, if they have been long postponed, proportionate number of elderly men who. depressed
vide a catalyst for this needed work. and bewildered by confrontation with their final
years, take their own lives. Recent reports suggest

that nearly a quarter of all suicides are committed
Families in Older Age: The Task
by people over 65 and that some 80 percent of
of Reassessment
these suicides are men. When one sees a couple in
Aging, of course, is not a disease, but neither is it the their later years struggling with issues similar to
universal opportunity for continued vigor increas- those of the Parsonses, one is struck by how fragile
ingly portrayed by the media or in popular films. the traditional marriage becomes over time. Cer-
Indeed, in his dotage, the self-made man feels com- tainly, such marriages were more viable when the
pelled to continue remaking himself and proving his age of mortality was in the forties and fifties, rather
entitlement to manhood. While men often mellow than the seventies. The harsh awareness for men at
somewhat in their later years, the need to continue this stage of the family life cycle is that they have
—
cultivated few interests outside their work and tew be valued for one*s presence is an astounding one
independent friendships, and so the) encounter a for many men and may inspire them to take more
barrenness in their lives. Increasingly, younger public positions about the role of men.
men, more aware of the prospect of a protracted Among the problems for men at this stage of
and even vigorous old age. have taken steps to en- the life cycle is the difficulty with accepting the
sure more opportunities for themselves in the fu- partner's autonomy. Like Anders Parsons, many
ture. However, for most men. especially for those men expect that when they become available,
who have already reached this point in their lives, women will schedule their lives to satisfy their
the problem of creating an active, fulfilling retire- husbands' whims. I have found that men fre-
ment remains. In addition, for men w ho have failed quently express astonishment that their wives have
to achieve the goals of success as defined by soci- conducted lives in their "absence" (of many de-
ety, retirement can be a grim reminder of failure. cades) that cannot be easily abandoned to accom-
Even if they are judged as having been successful. modate their presence. This is hurtful for men and
for men like Anders, feeling compelled to leave misunderstood as indifference by their wives to
work — the only world in which they felt unambiv- their newfound need for emotional engagement. In
alently valued —can be devastating. therapy with couples newly facing retirement, I
One important clinical task with men at this have found it helpful to work with them on very
stage of life is to help them "reauthor" their lives as concrete plans for time together and time apart.
fully as possible. This may entail embracing a def- Both naively believe that the other should be able
inition of oneself in marked contrast to what has to comfortably manage the new regimen. For men.
been deemed important thus far. Anders is typical this means that women should simply accommo-
of many men at this stage of life w ho. rather than a date to their needs; for women, it is often portrayed
sense of integrity in w ho they have become, expe- as disbelief that "he cannot do something as simple
rience despair at lost opportunities and lives per- as figure out what he's going to do today without
ceived as devoid of meaning. His depression, a me." For a man who has spent his entire adult life
common symptom among males in later life, reliving out a belief in his own supremacy (which he
flects a profound existential condition that his and everyone else have called "autonomy"), retire-
internist is likely to suggest be treated with med- ment can be threatening.

ication. However, the condition can be better un- Finally, an important goal at this stage of life
derstood as the final chapter in many men's lives, is maintaining relationships with one's children
when they realize that the accumulation of wealth and grandchildren. A large percentage of men over
and control at home and in the world of work are age 65 have grandchildren, and many have great-
not enough. The sense of loneliness and emptiness grandchildren. In addition, for men who have as-
when one has only oneself can be overwhelming. sumed that their wives would take responsibility
This is. in fact, a spiritual crisis, that is faced by- for maintaining ties to the next generations, there is
many men but unacknowledged as such. Exploring a need to develop the skills to manage these rela-
with Anders his religious roots and connecting him tionships independently. This process may even
with a community — perhaps in a church setting provide a man with the enlightenment to commu-
where he may be encouraged to become more in- nicate to his adult sons and grandsons a new vision
volved in activities and volunteer charity work of what it means to be a man
could be quite helpful. The revelation that one can
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Annals, 26(1), 24-28. marital bargaining in male infertility. Gender and
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Norton. House.
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Green, R. J.. Bettinger, M.. & Zacks. E. (1996). Are les- nary Studies on Gender, 2(2). 38-55.
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Durham, NC: Duke University Press.
Chapter 8
THE LATINO FAMILY LIFE CYCLE

CELIA JAES FALICOV
FAMILY ORGANIZATION, MIGRATION, ture's model, yet the original views may continue
AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE to be reinforced by similar attitudes held by other
immigrants living in the ethnic neighborhood or
Public or prescriptive Latino life cycle views are
by repeated return trips to the country of origin.
consonant with extended, three-generational fami-
Normal developmental stresses may be intensified
lies or large nuclear families. Extended families
thus by cultural dilemmas.
usually exert more directive control, giving chil-
Latinos span a large number of nationalities
dren a sense of security and connectedness, but
and races from White to Black and several educa-
may curtail their self-expression and autonomy
tional and economic classes. Although racism at-
(Falicov & Brudner-White. 1983). But the values
tached to skin color may be an some of
issue in
of democracy, egalitarianism. and individualism
the countries of origin, migration compounds the
that typify smaller nuclear families are making
sense of disempowerment by adding the stress of
greater inroads among Latinos.
being a cultural and language minority (see Shorris.
Family size is also an important modifier of
1992). Bicultural exposure can gradually become
family development. Small families experience
an enriching resource by increasing alternative ways
stress during launching but eventually accept the
to cope with developmental change. Yet problems
need for separation. Large families emphasize to-
may also develop through attempts to force, merge,
getherness, tend to induce older children to take on
ignore, or reconcile contradictory cultural views
parenting roles, and rely on sibling solidarity. Fam-
about the life cycle.
ily size also affects developmental transactions be-
Latinos are notorious for the preservation of
tween spouses. In large Latino families, husband
life cycle markers and appropriate rituals. These can
and wife may never have to adapt to living "alone"
take the form of birthday celebrations, religious
as a couple after their children are grown up. be-
rituals, holiday dates, or Sunday picnic traditions.
cause they typically remain involved in the lives of
Every milestone is an occasion for a large family
their many children and grandchildren. Pressures
gathering or a festive party. The endurance of tradi-
to achieve certain milestones "on time" are felt
tional rituals has important consequences for mental
more intensely when one lives close to family. A
health and acquires particularly poignant therapeu-
wedding, a birth, a relative's illness, or a death has
tic value for immigrants. (Falicov. 1998).
reverberations upon an extended network that
maintains close practical and emotional ties (Fali-
cov & Karrer. 1980). THE FAMILY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN:

When a family moves to another country, the RELATEDNESS OR AUTONOMY?
cultural meanings attached to life cycle events may
Entrance into Parenthood
differ between the family and the dominant culture
models. For example, the model of child-rearing is The baptism, or bautismo, initiates the infant into
likelv to be inconaruent with the dominant cul- membership in the Roman Catholic Church and.
141
142 CHAPTER 8
even for Latinos who have joined other Christian The Latino father may or may not be involved
religions in their country, the baptism crowns the in caretaking during the early upbringing of the
acceptance of the new family. It also serves as an children. While fathers communicate very closely
extended family reunion even when the marriage with babies and young children and have even
was accepted reluctantly by the elders. The infant been shown to do more holding of babies than
is sponsored by godparents or padrinos, who are mothers do (Guttman, 1996), this affectionate in-
selected from the social network of relatives, dulgence may slowly wane as the child gets older
friends, and prestigious acquaintances of the fam- and the fathers* role becomes more circumscribed
ily for their capacity to supplement economic and to enforcing discipline. Active shaming, which
other parental functions in case of need. includes teasing and mocking, humiliation, scary
Entrance into parenthood may not be experi- threats, ridicule, and punishment, including mild
enced as a major crisis for Latinos. One reason may corporal punishment, appears to be accepted in
be that, given the lower emphasis on romantic pri- many cases as the prerogative of parents who must
vacy for the couple, the perception of loss of time raise children to respect authority and understand
and activities together alone is not as keenly felt their place in society.
as it is by many Anglo American couples. Further,

young Latino parents, even if they are single moth-
External, Not Internal Transitions
ers, may have a dense network of grandparents and
relatives who help with caretaking and offer plenti- The baby or young child enjoys a close relation-
ful coaching and advice. Traditional expectations ship with mother and a special position in the fam-
may also organize this transition by moving the Lat- ily either until a new child is born or until he or she
ina wife towards her mother and other supportive enters nursery school or kindergarten. An external
women. This allows the husband to be concerned marker, such as the arrival of a new child or entry
primarily with economic pursuits, and sometimes into school, defines the child's passage to a new
the young mother herself must return to work. So- stage much more powerfully than processes of in-
cialization of young children is provided by parents, ternal readiness for individual achievement that
grandparents, and relatives of all ages who convey motivate parents to expect or demand more from
the vitality of family connectedness and solidarity their children in anticipation of the next stage.
as well as other central values of Latino culture. Perhaps because of the low emphasis on the
achievement of autonomous self-care, variations
in weaning and toilet training depend on individual

Social Relatedness or Individual Autonomy
readiness and personal family history rather than
From early on. Latino mothers stress to their chil- on prescribed social norms. As long as childhood
dren a cluster of cultural meaning systems sum- milestones are achieved within a "reasonable"
marized as "proper demeanor," such as social re- length of time, no pride or shame is attached to
latedness, valuing and teaching respect and obedi- them. Because Anglo therapists have internalized
ence, responsiveness to adults and other children, developmental expectations toward greater auton-
dignity, conformity, and good social manners. In omy, they tend to judge negatively what appears to
contrast, white Anglo American mothers emphasize them as Latino parents' indulgent attitudes toward
self maximization, that is. self-esteem, autonomy, their young children. However. Latino parents
and self-confidence (Gonzalez-Ramos, Zayas, & place demands on children for a different type of
Cohen 1993; Harwood, Miller, & Irizarry, 1995: behavior: the ability to get along with and be pleas-
Okagaki & Sternberg, 1993: Ortiz-Colon, 1985). ant and caring toward others.
These Latino belief systems define lifelong concep- The storied recreation of family bonds and
tions of being in the world that privilege social rela- shared understandings of the fragmentation forced
tionships over self-development. by migration pave the way for a smoother transi-
THE LATINO FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 143
tion to school either preventively or for children their family of origin. When a child comes to the
who are already experiencing difficulty with school United States precisely around the time of school
entry. This is a time when the child helps to open entry, the mother may quickly begin a campaign of
the family boundaries to closer contact with the overcompensation for the lost years of affection.
unfamiliar host society's cultural constructions and The mother herself may have difficulties in sepa-
treatment of minorities. rating from the child, even for a few hours a day, so
soon after the reunion. The father may adopt a
"tough-it-out" attitude that may reflect his internal
THE FAMILY WITH SCHOOL-AGE denial of fears and losses precipitated by his own
CHILDREN: BRAVE IN A NEW WORLD migration trajectory. Some Latino children may
have been raised by several loving (and sometimes
Institutional Contact
competing) mothers before migration and school
For the family of Mexican descent and central entry and abruptly enter a much harsher reality
Americans, such as Guatemalans or Salvadorans. when the emotional reunion with his or her parents
the school may be the first direct sustained and coincides with entering school. One can see how
structured contact with the institutions of the host bravery is required in this new world.
country. Puerto Ricans and Cubans, given their
greater exposure to U.S. institutions, may have
Boundary Negotiations
more experience with how the school system func-
tions. This transition from home to school may be Preteenagers often assume responsibilities for er-
difficult for many parents who lack formal educa- rands, babysitting, cooking, or other forms of
tion, but for immigrants, this transition may occur household help to the mother in poor families. In
when the family is still weakened by the uprooting working-class, middle-class and upper-class Lat-
caused by their migration. ino families, the presence of live-in domestic help
Latino children may differ from their Anglo drastically reduces children's chores relative to
peers in their social and the emotional readiness to their Anglo American counterparts. Greater indi-
move more autonomous stage of entering
into the vidual responsibility for handling an allowance, or
school. Like most other immigrant children, they small jobs outside the family, such as a newspaper
are handicapped by limitations in language and route, are not customary or consonant, regardless
communication skills. These limitations create of social class. This reflects a different boundary
learning barriers that are often associated with be- negotiation between the family and the extrafamil-
havior problems (Aronowitz. 1984). School en- ial environment than for Anglo Americans and a
trance may also be the child's first encounter with relative lack of preparation for the work world in
prejudice and racial discrimination, difficult issues the preadolescent years.

for young children to articulate. Rather than being too controlling or authori-
tarian, immigrant parents are probably attempting
to define a firm boundary between home and the
Separations and Reunions
extrafamilial world, especially the peer group. Per-
Some cultural differences in child-rearing may ac- ceiving many dangers in the urban neighborhood,
count for Latino children appearing infantilized or they may restrict their children's activities to in-
overprotected to American teachers or counselors, doors. Parents may promote siblings and cousins
but the family's reorganization due to migration as the main playmates, even if they are far apart in
may greatly intensify these behaviors. Many fami- age, to protect children from the many urban dan-
lies leave some of their children in Guatemala. gers and temptations.
Mexico, or Puerto Rico for practical or financial Because underachievement school failure, and
reasons or because of feelings of loyalty toward early dropout are statistically very high among
144 CHAPTER 8
Latinos, completing elementary school (as well as rassed about their bad luck in having a bad son or
graduation from high school) is a matter of great daughter. For Anglo Americans, when children de-
pride and joy for Mexican American families, of- viate from society's norms, this represents an
ten accompanied by a happy celebration. Members indictment of the parents" ability to raise good,
of the extended family may attend this graduation The Latino adolescent is often the
healthy citizens.
(graduation i at the school. As a ritual celebration. guilty one. shamed by his or her parents for break-
it can be used to facilitate and mark family change ing rules. The American middle-class adolescent
durina the transition to adolescence. can more often blame his or her parents for the un-
reasonableness of their child-rearing, as being
While Anglo
either too strict or too permissive.
American parents accept that young people need
ADOLESCENCE: BETWEEN TWO WORLDS
the autonomy to define themselves and thus may
Latino adolescents are immersed in the multiple rebel against authority. Latino parents expect re-
struggles of being part of an ethnically and socially spect and obedience throughout life.
discriminated minority. They often face the impact Children of immigrants living in the United
of marginalized status on their self-esteem, the States may begin to expect and demand "'an adoles-
helplessness engendered by institutionalized rac- cence" with its ensuing freedoms in the worst possi-
ism, and internalization of low expectations. Their ble circumstances for the parents, whose ability to
experience of growing up in the United States supervise and guide isweakened because of their ig-
has been described as entremundos (between two norance of the language and ways of doing things.
worlds) (Zavala-Martinez, 1994). that is. an un- Add that sociohistorical frame to the social dynam-
easy coexistence between two cultures, two lan- ics of tension and danger in the ghetto to arrive at a
guages, two sets of values, two philosophies of complex context that illuminates the mutually rein-
life. Developing a bilingual, bicultural competence forcing cycle of repressive "old-fashioned" parents,
within a framework of knowing and respecting a and acting out "liberated" youth that we so often see
Latino identity could be thought of as additional in mental health The family is indeed be-
clinics.
developmental tasks of adolescence. tween realities, divided within by two cultures and
languages.
Latino adolescents have many responsibilities
Parent- Adolescent Interaction:
toward parents and younger siblings. Although
The Clash of Cultures
this is a natural occurrence in large families, struc-
The new culture is no longer outside, as one could tural changes precipitated by migration complicate
pretend it was when the children were small. It this situation. Parents who might otherwise work
now sits in full force in the family's inner sanctum, out a gradual separation find it nearly impossible
like an overbearing guest, demanding intense at- to do so because of their dependence on their older
tention. The coexistence of different views of fam- child to mediate with the language and institutions.
ily connectedness and individual separation and The younger children in the family may also cling
the different conceptions of age and gender hierar- to the older sibling who appears to be much less
chies cannot be ignored any longer. old-fashioned and more understanding than the
The axiom "be good to your parents" is prob- parents. Having internalized the two languages and
ably universal. However, different cultural mean- the two cultures, older children may find them-
ings about transgressions of this norm result in selves in the confusing but influential position of
different consequences. For Latinos, if adolescents "parent to their parents" and "parent to their sib-
answer back verbally or deviate from obligations lings." This position can pave the way for com-
to their parents or other societal rules, parents do petent independence, or it may result in an in-
not necessanlv feel euiltv. Thev mav be embar- strumental and emotional entrapment.
In situations of rapid culture change, when a in practicing safe sex with men because they don't
veritable experiential chasm between one genera- think of themselves as being involved in a homo-
tion and the next exists, the peer group often as- sexual encounter.
sumes a crucial and controversial socializing role.
The attraction of gangs is powerful for Latino ado-
Teenage Pregnancy
lescents, particularly those born in this country.
Many factors related to urban poverty are involved, A between-stage phenomenon that causes bound-
but gangs also provide a solution to identity con- ary ambiguity between youth and adulthood is teen-
fusion via a source of new cultural identification, age pregnancy, an event that is on the rise among
values, and human support (Horowitz, 1983; Vigil, Latinas. Mexicans are somewhat less likely to be
1988). sexually active before marriage. Yet once pregnant
they are the most likely to give birth (Becerra & de
Anda, 1984; Martinez, 1981). As for other groups,
Sexual Practices
early out-of-wedlock childbearing is related to pov-
Sexuality is a fundamental issue for adolescents. If erty and its low educational possibilities, unem-
there is any talk about sexuality between most Lat- ployment, and bleak surroundings.
ino parents and children, it is almost always indi- Pregnant Mexican and Cuban adolescents are
rect, via allusions and certainly via restrictions, more likely than Puerto Ricans and adolescents
even in the mother-daughter relationships in which from other very poor groups to use this stage as a
there could be more intimate conversation. The step to marriage and independent living. This is be-
strength of Roman Catholicism and the practice of cause they are more likely to be in long-term rela-
confession influence the equation of sexuality with tionships with partners who accept the pregnancy
sin and in theory support restrictions of sex to tra- and endeavor to support the family. The cultural
ditional reproductive ideology, which most Lati- value of a man's honor, and his pride in the virility
nos are aware to be quite different from actual of the conception may be motivating forces to le-
practice. gitimize fatherhood.

Strong social controls are also exerted on sex- The strength of the adolescent's girl immi-
ual orientations other than heterosexuality. know
I grant family usually prevails. The parents may ini-
of two middle-class Mexican families who sent tially be furious about the pregnancy, but they
their gay adolescent sons to live in the United eventually look forward to the birth and may even
States to escape intense stigmatization. Homosex- afford special status to the young mother (de Anda,
uality and lesbianism are also repressed, hidden, Becerra, & Fielder, 1988; Felice, Shragg, James, &
and shunned among first-generation immigrants, Hollingsworth, 1987; Kay, 1980).
but second and third generations appear somewhat
more open about their sexual orientation. An inter-
Rituals
esting illustration of the social construction aspects
of homosexuality is the fact that among Mexicans, A ritual that accompanies a girl's entrance into the
the label of homosexual is applied exclusively to romantic, premarital field is the quinceanera, a for-
one of the two partners of a homosexual encounter. mal party given for a girl by her parents and rela-
The homosexual is only the passive partner who is tives on her fifteenth birthday. Curiously, this is an
penetrated and is thought to be more effeminate. event that all generations agree has to take place,
The aggressive one who penetrates is often bisex- and it is an important marker of maturation. It in-
ual and heterosexual ly married. He is thought to be volves a religious ceremony, a dinner, and a dance
manly and therefore not homosexual (Bronfman et for 100 to 200 people. The persistence of this ritual
al., 1995). This construction has many dangers for into second and third generations may be an exam-
women whose husbands may not take precautions ple of the alternation theory or hybridization theory
146 CHAPTER 8
of acculturation whereby very traditional customs periment and learn from their own experiences.
coexist with more "modern" views about premari- Nonetheless, it is very important to stress to the
tal sex. As an initiation rite, the quinceanera is whole family that a modified equivalent of respect
similar to the American tradition of the debutante for parental authority remains in place. This stance
ball or "sweet sixteen" party, but its celebration is helps to assuage parents' fears that the therapist
common among all Latino social class levels. The may be siding with what they regard as the perils
absence of a comparable initiation rite for boys can of American permissiveness.
sometimes be corrected for therapeutic purposes Immigrant parents, and sometimes first-gen-
by inventing a passage rite or a maturation celebra- eration parents, extend their calls for help to their
tion that would allow for negotiation of privilege country of origin when they find themselves un-
and responsibilities, for example. able to deal with an unruly adolescent. They sim-
ply send the adolescent to live with relatives in
Mexico or Puerto Rico. Often, this is a desirable
Dating
move, certainly preferable to a life of drugs, crime,
A second arena for legitimization of the adoles- or jail. The teenager may later be reintegrated into
cent's maturation is dating. Casual dating without the nuclear family in the United States. A mother I
marriage as a goal has become common for both know in San Diego saved money to take her two
sexes after age 15 or 16. Unhappiness and intense gang-involved sons back to her hometown and
depression, including suicidal thoughts, are not saved them from a life of crime, using the excuse
uncommon among Latino adolescents, particu- of a family vacation. But sometimes, the adoles-
larly girls who are very strictly raised and closely cent does not reform in the extended setting or is
supervised (Zimmerman, 1991). Six out of nine never integrated back into the original nuclear
girls in a study of Puerto Rican adolescents in New family.
York City (Canino & Canino, 1982) showed psy-
chiatric symptoms that seem to have been due in
part to conflicting cultural expectations in the area YOUNG ADULTHOOD: STAYING HOME
of dating, sexuality, and difficulties in establishing AND COURTSHIP
a sense of identity.
Staying Home and Gaining Autonomy
Latinos in late adolescence and early adulthood do

Psychoeducational Conversations
not construct the leaving home transition as a solo
Conversation centered on generational and gender act whereby an individual proves oneself capable
differences in culture change is a useful technique of autonomy, decision making, or the ability to sur-
to normalize, diffuse, and facilitate conflict resolu- vive and support oneself emotionally and finan-
tion between parents and adolescents. Conversa- cially. Rather, Latinos tend to leave home in the
tions in the presence of the parents about racial, context of forming a new and connected family
language, peer group acceptance, and other ten- of their own. Steady dating is man-
the sanctioned
sions facing Latino adolescents usually increases ner to become more autonomous and and
private,
the emotional resonance with the parents' experi- courtship may be the functional equivalent of An-
ence and provides other views of the problem and glo American launching into adulthood by distanc-
avenues for change. ing from parents.
In therapy, Latino families may be amenable Gender expectations help to shape this separa-
to suggestions that their teenagers need to find a tion process. Moving out of the home through dat-
sympathetic ear in their parents, so that they can ing occurs gradually. Sons may stay out of the
confide or honestly speak up, or even to the sug- home for increasingly long periods of time, com-
gestion that adolescents need the freedom to ex- ing home only at night to sleep. Parents may occa-
sionally complain about not seeing the son often been formed, parents exert considerable pressure
enough, but his peripheral role is acceptable, while for or against the selection of a particular mate. In
more participation and visibility is expected of spite of greater openness toward premarital sex,
young women. Eventually, the young adult son double standards still make a woman's reputation
moves out smoothly through work, marriage, or dependent on her chastity. A young man's sexual
educational opportunities, most often in his early dalliances, on the other hand, are accepted and of-
twenties. The most acceptable waj for an adult ten encouraged.
daughter to leave home is through marriage. But Steady courtship is usually legitimized by a
within the last decade, an increasing number of compromise, or an engagement parts, which in-
young Latinas are leaving home to further their volves a public announcement, elaborate festivi-
education. This may be a stressful event for the ties, and a formal exchange of rings. After the
whole family. A college-educated Latina who de- compromiso, the two extended families will begin
cides to get her own apartment may be criticized. including each other in their family get-togethers.
or at least frowned upon. b\ her parents. If courtship never takes place or doesn't lead
Siblings are again very important in young to marriage, the unmarried Latino man or woman
adulthood. The roles of older and younger siblings tends not to move out of the parental household. If
mav get even more sharply differentiated than dur- both parents die. it is more acceptable for the un-
ing adolescence. The older siblings may pioneer married adult to live with a married sibling than to
the road to emancipation. But in other instances, as live on his or her own. The presence of a maternal
an older child leaves, parental dependency shifts to or paternal aunt in our clients' households is a pat-
the next in line, w ho may be unprepared to assume tern observed so frequently that I label it la tia
the roles vacated by the older one. Other children ("the aunt"). In some cases, the aunt serves useful
may then be "recruited" or "elected" for these roles affective and instrumental functions while sub-
w ith various degrees of success. system boundaries are maintained. In other cases,
When young adults marry and home,
leave depending on the age and role interactions within
their relationship with their parents no doubt the family, the aunt may form a cross-generational
changes, but their availability to each other contin- coalition w ith a parent or with a child, or she may-
ues at amore intense level than Anglo Americans attempt to act as intermediary between the two.
experience. The incorporation of the son-in-law or sometimes facilitating growth but other times
daughter-in-law may become problematic if the blocking it (Falicov & Karrer, 1980).
parents continue to cling to their married children
or if the married adult is very involved with the
MARRIAGE: SEPARATING OR RETURNING
parents, as may happen for immigrant parents.
TO THE FOLD?
The late teens and early tw enties are common and
Courtship: Sanctioned Distancing
socially acceptable ages for marriage for both
from Parents
men and women, but there is greater tolerance for
Courtship is a very significant stage of the life cy- later marriage for men. A Latino wedding, or casa-
cle of Latino families. This may be partly because miento, is a colorful and joyous collective celebra-
marriage is a weight) decision, a commitment for tion. From working-class to upper-class settings, a
a lifetime. Parents often check out potential can- casamiento is an elaborate church and dinner affair
didates for steady dating whenever a daughter with formal attire and hundreds of guests. Many
appears to be seeing a young man with some fre- adult relatives or family friends become financially
quency. Good manners, financial prospects, and and instrumentally responsible for various aspects
educational level all enter into consideration in this of the wedding, another indication of the collective
covert assessment process. Once an opinion has meanings given to financial resources and the
148 CHAPTER 8
strength of social commitments. Thus, there are visit their parents, particularly their mothers, once
godparents of cojines (they put the pillows to lean or twice a week. This interaction may become even
at the altar), godparents of flores (they buy the more frequent after marriage than it was during
flower arrangements), and godparents of pas teles their steady courtship, when the young couple was
(they provide the cakes and sweets). Financial usually left alone to explore their relationship.
debts related to this celebration may take the father Thus, paradoxically, marriage may signify a return
of the bride years to pay. to. rather than a separation from, the fold.
Greater self-individuation and maturation may Marital therapy for Latinos often involves
be slowly fulfilled in the dyadic, less hierarchical complex intergenerational issues. Conflicts of loy-
context of forming a marriage with common goals alty between obligations to one's aging parents and
and negotiation of values, priorities, and everyday to one'sown family of procreation may create con-
routines. The tendency to maintain harmony and siderable stress and may surface in any family
communicate indirectly about differences and con- member. Many Latinos are likely to resist the idea
flicts, which is learned in the family of origin, can of publicly leveling hierarchies or using a direct as-
make the early stage of marriage seem harmoni- sertive communication style with their parents.
ous. But it can also be a tumultuous time in that the Divorce may be more traumatic for Latinos
young man or woman may first begin to express than for Anglo Americans. The criticism and judg-
more individualistic desires, desires that for young mental disappointment about the decision to di-
Latinos may reflect an expanding bicultural self. vorce are most intense among first-generation
This is quite different from the Anglo American immigrant Mexican parents. Since marriage is
cultural belief that you have to develop yourself thought to be for life, a divorce on the basis of mar-
(i.e..differentiate as a person) before you can form ital incompatibility may be alien to cultural and re-
a good marriage. (For a discussion of overlap of ligious beliefs. There are also feelings of shame
developmental stages see Falicov, 1984.) about the social stigma and what others in the ex-
While Latino subjective time appears to be tended networks will say about a divorce (Wagner.
slower than the American chronological mile- 1988). Unlike divorce, single parenthood is com-
stones of infancy (weaning), childhood (school en- mon at lower socioeconomic levels owing to teen-
trance readiness), and adolescence (leaving home), age pregnancy and spousal abandonment.
Latinos marry and have children chronologically
earlier than their Anglo counterparts, regardless of
MIDDLE AGE: A FULL NEST
social class. This means that they become parents
and grandparents at a relatively early age, but by Cultural meaning systems have prepared the Lat-
maintaining age hierarchies, they may remain ino couple for parenting while deemphasizing
"children" to their parents throughout life (Clark & meanings related to marital happiness. Satisfaction
Mendelson, 1975). This is manifested by the in marriage is seen as the result of good fortune
young couple's financial limitations and family and wise choices, rather than of working toward
economic interdependence, which slow down the marital improvement or enrichment. Searching for
process of truly setting up a separate household. compensation in other family bonds and simple
The newly constituted family may live with or near resignation are common solutions. Educated mid-
the husband's family and receive temporary eco- dle-class or acculturated Latinos may see cause for
nomic support; this may result in tensions between alarm in the proverbial communication problems
wife and mother-in-law. Occasionally, couples live defined by Anglo Americans, but in general, mari-
with the wife's family, but this dependence may be tal therapy is reserved for severe difficulties.
perceived as a lack of masculinity on the husband's Gender definitions are in flux. Although a pa-
part. Young wives may talk on the phone to their triarchal view of gender definitions continues to be
mothers every day. Many young husbands may the stereotypical view of Latinos, more complex
dynamics from patriarchal to egalitarian and mixed customary housekeeping and babysitting activi-
styles are being documented, particularly for young ties. The functions of the older man may be limited
couples (Kutsche, 1983; Vega, 1990; Ybarra, 1982). to babysitting and running small errands. He may
In middle age. a compromise is usually reached by sit for long hours on the porch or watch Spanish-
finding an acceptable, somewhat less connected language programs on television all day. deprived
manner of parenting the married children, focusing of his country's lifelong associations. In a given
on caretaking of grandchildren and perhaps in- week, elderly Puerto Rican women, in particular,
creasing contact with relatives, in-laws, and other think about their relatives and friends very often
significant kin. A frequent pattern is a type of emo- (Mahard. 1989). The elderly may have traded the
tional separation, with both spouses continuing to losses of uprooting for a shared life with their chil-
live together, carrying on their family duties but dren, but the balance is often questionable, and
hardly renewing their marital bond. even those who have been in this country for many
The sense of vitality in the involvement with years may long for their roots.
the younger generations and continued usefulness
make for a different configuration to the issues of Hard Reality Issues First
middle life than the empty nest and the existential
and marital reevaluations that are typically de-
The Latino elderly make up the fastest-growing
scribed for middle-class. Anglo Americans. Grand- subgroup among Latinos. Economic hardships,
parents assume an important role in child-rearing.

language difficulties, social isolation, and very
Indeed, their influence is felt and usually accepted limited adaptation to the unknown environment out-
by the young parents, who do not seem to experi-
side the home are the bane of older Latinos. Some
ence the peripherality and fear of intrusion that
derivative of these hard reality issues is what most
often brings the elderly Latino into contact with
their middle-class Anglo American counterparts
When mental health services.
express. these avenues for continued con-
nectedness with family are not available, reorgani-
zation of the mature marital relationship toward a Multiple Jeopardy
more intimate and compassionate unit contributes
The Latino elderly experience multiple jeopardy
to greater well-being. Considerable accommoda-
(Dowd & Bengtson. 1978), that is. a vulnerable po-
tion must take place to cope with the overlapping
sition in facing life stresses because of being old.
stresses of launching and marriage of children, new
being a social and class minority, not knowing the
relationships with the in-laws, and illnesses or
language and institutions, and not having transpor-
death of one's own parents all happening virtually
tation or support networks (Bastida, 1984). Most do
under the same roof.
not receive pensions. Social Security, or Medicare
(Gallegos, 1991). It is difficult to imagine a more
THE ELDERLY: LOSSES BUT A SHARED LIFE excruciating uprooting than the one that occurs in
old age. Despite the prevalence of extended family
Many parents of first-generation adult immigrants
caregivers (Greene & Monahan, 1984; Merkides,
remain behind in their countries of origin. When Boldt. & Ray. 1986) it is probably a disservice to
these parents become too old to work. ill. wid-
the Latino elderly to assume, as the stereotype of
owed, or isolated, they are encouraged to move to
close family ties invites us to do. that the family can
the United States to be near their offspring, living
meet all their needs (Gallegos. 1991 ).
either in the same house or close by. The older per-

son arrives in an unknown setting, without knowl-
edge of the language or any Networking
skills for independent
living. She or he may or may not find a useful role. Exploring and developing alternative natural social
The older woman may be easily integrated into support networks is the most constructive solution
150 CHAPTER 8
to combat the problems of the elderly. A network ment for the couple, since they may be able to
that involves reciprocity and mutual assistance ap- maintain separate gender spheres of social contact
pears to work much better than simple charity or and leisure. However, some of the original sup-
help for the elderly (Miranda. 1991). portive structures found in siblings and same-sex
Elderly Latinos who have been in this country leisure groups may have been painfully lost by the
formany years retain important positive roles migration.
when they live with their adult children. Their
presence helps to reduce anxiety at times of stress
Nursing Homes
for the younger nuclear family, such as illness of
children, overtime work for the husband, or the Because self-sufficiency isn't expected from an
wife'sdilemmas of employment and child care. old or sick person. Latinos expect that the young
Wisdom, and even sorcery, are attributed only to will take care of the old until the end and not place
the old. Their usefulness and wisdom, coupled parents in nursing homes. The entire family tends
with the younger generation's respect for author- to respect cultural values that emphasize the im-
ity, allow older people to continue to exert consid- portance of filial love, or at least obligation, more
erable influence on their married or single children than efficiency and practicality.
through control, criticism, and reminders. The Americans believe that those who worked
ability to become a "tough old bird" — energetic, hard, saved, planned ahead, or raised a good family
involved, and self-confident —and perceive old age deserve more comfortable aging than does the old
as arriving chronologically later than it does for derelict or the alcoholic, who never provided ade-
Anglo Americans seems to be preserved among quately for his family and may even have abused
the Mexican American elderly. This finding may them. Among Latinos, children are obligated to
be accounted for by the fact that Latino culture val- care for and respect their parents whether the older
ues collectivism, conservation, cooperation, and person rightfully deserves it or not. A relational
continuity and therefore does not require the dra- ethic of intrinsic duty and obligation toward one's
matic shifts in life orientation that are required for own parents moves Latinos to obey this mandate
Anglo Americans in later life. In Latino culture, regardless of whether the relationships have been
being old doesn't strand people on an experiential reciprocal, balanced, or fair. Being old and being
island; it allows them to remain in the mainstream one's parents are more than sufficient reasons to
of life. merit care.
Retirement DYING AND GRIEVING

Retirement from their usual occupation may not The immigrant's old memories and feelings of up-
represent as significant a turning point for older rooting may return in facing death or bereavement
Latino men or for their families. Productive work in a foreign land. The fantasy of returning to be
in one's occupation is not as central a life task as it buried in the homeland may be keenly experienced
is for those raised in the Protestant ethic. In their as a much-wanted final recovery of belonging. The
Latin American countries of origin, few people re- presence of supportive compatriots that share lan-
tire in a prescribed manner. Older men continue to guage, history, and values can provide invaluable
work while they can. They gradually reduce their support in dying or grieving for a loved one's
output and begin to move closer to the family orbit. death.
There, the man joins a houseful of people, rather Latinos do not ignore death as a constant fact
than a wife who has learned to live alone during the of life. In many Latin American countries, the Day
past twenty years. In fact, retirement does not de- of the Dead is a fiesta that is publicly held once
mand very significant shifts for the wife or adjust- a year in which folklore, religious litanies, sugar
—
candy skulls, and tissue paper skeletons poke fun ceived as separate from bodily reactions. Halluci-
at death. Jokes and sayings about astute maneuver- nations of the deceased in the form of visitations of
ings that confuse and defeat death are common, an spirits and ghosts up to several years from the
attempt to banter with a difficult but inevitable death do occur, especially among Puerto Ricans
companion. who practice santeria and Cubans who engage in
An important part of the Day of the Dead in macombe, an Afro-Caribbean religion.
Mexico is the ritualization of grief over a period of The physical and emotional support of the ex-
four years of annual repetition of mourning and of- tended family and the community provide nur-
ferings after a death. The family erects a home por- turance for the bereaved. Emotions may be vented
table altar with a photograph of the dead person, within a closely knit group. Equally acceptable are
seme favorite objects surrounded by zimpazuchis stoic resignation and acceptance. Religion may re-
deep yellow and purple flowers (the only flowers surface with impending loss, as guidance or conso-
that can be used on that day) —and the dead per- lation for the ill, elderly, or bereaved person. The
son's favorite foods. After a day's vigil at their Catholic belief in the immortality of the soul may
open home, the family transports to the cemetery ameliorate some of the most frightening aspects of
the altar with its hanging objects and a sample of death.
the dead person's foods on plates covered with The custom of the oldest son's being respon-
beautifully embroidered cloths. Family and friends sible for the funeral arrangements may be main-
sit around the grave chanting and swaying, with tained in this country, financial responsibilities
very tall lit candles all around. Close family mem- being sharedamong siblings and other relatives.
bers, particularly women and children, will sleep Those who immigrated as young adults have not
next to the grave until the following morning to been exposed to the cultural mechanisms and con-
"keep company with our poor dead ones" ("a nues- duct expected at times of illness and death. They
tros pobrecitos muertos"). This ritual offers emo- may have to learn those anew and alone and fre-
tional release, and some household variant could quently feel confused.
be used as a natural therapeutic resource if the rit- During developmental transitions, immigrant
ual has ever been meaningful to the particular families turn more intensely to the comfort and
family, although it would be hard to fathom an continuity of past traditions, such as the rituals of
American cemetery as a place to spend the night praying or trying folk remedies. Therapists can use
with one's dead ones. the impetus toward one's own primary ethnicity as
Gasping for breath, heart palpitations, or chest a resource to help discover the practices that en-
pains (piquetes) in the deeply bereaved are ac- hance a family's sense of continuity and belonging
cepted as natural expressions of grief, because in and the ancestral rituals that push the life cycle for-
most Latino cultures, emotional states are not con- ward while reaffirming past ties.
REFERENCES
Aronowitz, M. (1984). The social and emotional Bronfman, M., Amuchastegui, A., Martina, R. M.,
adjustment of immigrant children: A review of Minello, N., Rivas, M., & Rodriguez, G., (1995).
literature. International Migration Review, 18, SIDA en Mexico: migracion, adolescencia y genero.
237-257. Mexico: Information Profesional Especializada.
Bastida, E. (1984). Reconstructing the world at sixty: Canino, G., & Canino, A. I. (1982). Culturally syntonic
Older Cubans in the U.S.A. Gerontologist, 24, family therapy for migrant Puerto Ricans. Hospital
465-170. and Community Psychiatry, 33(4), 299-303.
Becerra, R. M. & de Anda. D. (1984). Pregnancy and Clark. M. & Mendelson, M. (1975). Mexican-American
motherhood among Mexican American adoles- aged in San Francisco. In W. C. Sze (Ed.), Human
cents. Health and Social Work, 9(2), 106-123. life cycle. New York: Jason Aronson.
.
152 CHAPTER 8
de Anda. D., Becerra, R. M. & Fielder, E. ( 1988). Sexu- Mahard, R. (1989). Elderly Puerto Rican women in the
ality, pregnancy, and motherhood among Mexican- continental United States. In C. Garcia Coll & L.
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Dowd, J. J., & Bengtson, V. L. ( 1978). Aging in minority Praeger.
populations: An examination of the double jeopardy Martinez, A. L. (1981). The impact of adolescent preg-
hypothesis. Journal of Gerontology, 33, 427^36. nancy on Hispanic adolescents and their families. In
Falicov. C.J. (1984). Focus on stages: A response to T. Ooms (Ed.), Teenage pregnancy in a family con-
Proudfit's developmental analysis of V. Wolff's To text (pp. 326-343). Philadelphia: Temple Univer-
the Lighthouse. Family Process, 23(3), 329-334. sity Press.
Falicov. C.J. (1998). Latino families in therapy. New Merkides. K. S., Boldt, J. S., & Ray, L. A. (1986).
York: The Guilford Press. Sources of helping an intergenerational solidarity:
Falicov, C. J.. & Brudner- White. L. (1983). The shifting A three-generations study of Mexican Americans.
triangle: The issue of cultural and contextual relativ- Journal of Gerontology, 41, 506-51 1.
ity. In C. J. Falicov (Ed.). Cultural perspectives in Miranda, M. R. (1991). Mental health services and the
family therapy. Rockville, MD: Aspen Corporation. Hispanic elderly. In M. Sotomayor (Ed.), Empower-
Falicov, C. J.. & Karrer. B. (1980). Cultural variations A critical issue for the
ing Hispanic families: '90s.
in The Mexican-American
the family life cycle: Milwaukee, WI: Family Service America.
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(pp. 383-425). New York: Gardner Press. ment. 64, 36-56.
Felice. M. E.. Shragg, G. P.. James, M., & Holling- Ortiz-Colon. R. (1985). Acculturation, ethnicity and ed-
sworth, D. R. (1987). Psychosocial aspects of ucation: A comparison of Anglo teachers' and Pu-
Mexican-American. White, and Black teenage erto Rican mothers' values regarding behaviors and
pregnancy. Journal of Adolescent Health Care, 8, skills. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. Harvard
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Gallegos. J. S. (1991). Culturally relevant services for Shorris, E. (1992). Latinos: A biography of the people.
Hispanic elderly. In M. Sotomayor (Ed.), Empower- New York: Norton.
ing Hispanic families: A critical issue for the '90s. Vega, W. (1990). Hispanic families in the 1980s: A de-
Milwaukee. WI: Family Service America. cade of research. Journal of Marriage and the Fam-
Gonzalez-Ramos. G., Zayas, L. H., & Cohen. E. (1993). ily, 52, 1015-1024.
Cultural beliefs in Puerto Rican childrearing. Un- Vigil. J. D. (1988). Barrio gangs: Street life and identity
published raw data, available from authors. in Southern California. Austin: University of Texas
Greene, V. L., & Monahan. D.J. (1984). Comparative Press.
utilization of community-based long-term care ser- Wagner. R. M. (1988). Changes in extended family rela-
vices by Hispanic and Anglo elderly in a case tionships for Mexican Americans and Anglo single
mangement system. Journal of Gerontology, 39, mothers. In C. A. Everett (Ed. ), Minority and Ethnic
730-735. Issues in the Divorce Process (pp. 69-87). New
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a man in Mexico Cir\. Berkeley: University of Cali- Ybarra, L. (1982). Marital decision making and the role
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Harwood. R. L.. Miller. J. G.. & Irizarry, N. L. (1995). 32-47.

and attachment: Perceptions of the child in
Culture Zavala-Martinez, I. ( 1994). Quien soy? Who am I? Iden-
New York: The Guilford Press.
context. tity issues for Puerto Rican adolescents. In E. P. Sal-
Horowitz, R. (1983). Honor and the American dream: ett & D. R. Koslow (Eds.). Race, ethnicity, and self:
Culture and identity in a Chicano community. New Identity in multicultural perspective (pp. 89-1 16).
Brunswick. NJ: Rutgers University Press. Washington, D.C.: National Multicultural Institute.
Kay, M. A. Mexican American and Chicana

(1980). Zimmerman, J. (1991). Crossing the desert alone: An
childbirth. In M. Melville (Ed.). Twice a minority etiological model of female adolescent suicidality.
(pp. 52-65). St. Louis, MO: C. V. Mosby. In C. Gilligan, A. Rogers, & D. Thomas (Eds.),
Kutsche, P. (1983). Household and family in Hispanic Women, girls & psychotherapy: Reframing resis-
northern New Mexico. Journal of Comparative tance (pp. 223-240). Binghamton, NY: Harrington
Family Studies, 14, 151-165. Park Press.
Chapter 9.
SIBLINGS THROUGH THE LIFE CYCLE

MONICA McGOLDRICK
MARLENE WATSON
WAYMON BENTON
My dearest friend and bitterest rival, my mirror and opposite, my confi-

dante and betrayer, my student and teacher, my reference point and coun-
terpoint, my support and dependent, my daughter and mother, my
subordinate, my superior and scariest still, my equal. My sister is someone
who lives out another part of myself, freeing me or limiting me to my role,
"
which is by definition "not her.
—Elizabeth Fishel (1979, p. 16)
THE IMPORTANCE OF SIBLING (1994), Susan Scarf Merrell's The Accidental Bond
RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH (1995), Frank Sulloway's Bom to Rebel (1996),
THE LIFE CYCLE and Victor Cicirelli's Sibling Relationships across
the Life Span (1995). In our view, the neglect of

Sibling relationships are the longest that most of siblings reflects cultural attitudes that overvalue
us have in life. Indeed, from a life cycle perspec- the individual and nuclear family experience to the
bond may be second only to the
tive, the sibling neglect of lifelong connections that we all have to
parent-child bond in importance. In later life, our extended family members throughout the life
once parents are gone, the sibling bond can be- cycle. We can, through our therapeutic efforts, val-
come our primary attachment (Gold, 1989; Nor- idate, empower, and strengthen family ties or, by
ris & Tindale, 1994). Yet sibling relationships ignoring them, perpetuate the invalidation, anomie.
have been largely neglected in the family therapy and disconnection promoted by the dominant soci-
literature and in the mental health field in general. ety's value structure, which privileges autonomy,
Apart from Adler's (1959. 1979) early formula- competition and materialistic values.
tions, followed up by Walter Toman's Family We hope that this chapter will encourage ther-
Constellation (1976). there was for many years apists to ask more questions about sibling rela-
hardly any attention to siblings in the psycholog- tionships for people of every age, affirm the im-
ical literature. Luckily, a number of excellent portance of sibling connections through the life cy-
works in the past few years can begin to counter cle in all clinical assessments, and validate sibling
this neglect, such as Bank and Kahn*s The Sibling relationships through therapeutic interventions that
Bond (1982), Kahn and Lewises "Siblings in support and strengthen these bonds. We encourage
Therapy" (1982), Barbara Mathias's Between Sis- therapists to hold specific sibling sessions when
ters (1992), Marianne Sandmaier's Original Kin appropriate.
153
154 CHAPTER 9
Perhaps our therapeutic approach would be contact with outsiders grow to rely on each other,
facilitated if we worked on the basic assumption especially when parents are absent, unavailable,
of including siblings unless there is a reason not or inadequate.
to. That is, in doing an assessment, we could start Though there has been extremely little research
with the question "Why not have a sibling ses- on longitudinal aspects of sibling relationships,
sion to understand or help clients in this situa- siblings generally seem to have a commitment to
tion?" rather than starting with the negative and maintaining their relationships throughout life, and
including siblings only if there is a specific sib- it is rare for them to break off their relationship or
ling conflict. lose touch completely with each other (Cicirelli,
In some families, relationships with siblings 1985). Among the few findings that we have are
remain each other's most important relationships. data showing that siblings of the handicapped,
In others, sibling rivalry and conflict causes fami- especially sisters, are particularly vulnerable to
lies to break apart. Siblings can become the models emotional problems and to increased emotional de-
for future relationships with friends, lovers, and mands from their families. Involving siblings in
other contemporaries. In our modern world, spouses planning and treatment obviously benefits the
may come and go, parents die, and children grow whole family. Yet very few programs for the dis-
up and leave, but if we are lucky, siblings are al- abled include work with siblings (whether children
ways there. Our parents usually die a generation or adults) as a focus of their intervention.
before we do, and our children live on for a gener- But the evidence is that sibling relationships
ation after us. It is rare that our spouses are closely matter a great deal. According to one important
acquainted with our first twenty or thirty years or longitudinal study of successful, well-educated
for friendships to last from earliest childhood until men (the Harvard classes of 1938-1944), the sin-
the end of our lives. However, our siblings share gle best predictor of emotional health at age 65
more of our lives genetically and contextually than was having had a close relationship with one's sib-
anyone else, particularly sisters, since sisters tend ling in college. This was more predictive than
to be emotionally more connected and to live childhood closeness to parents, emotional prob-
longer than brothers. In fact, we can divorce a lems in childhood or parental divorce, and more
spouse much more finally than a sibling (McGold- predictive even than having had a successful mar-
rick, 1989b). riage or career (Valliant, 1977).
In today's world of frequent divorce and re-
marriage, there may be a combination of siblings,

AGE SPACING
stepsiblings, and half-siblings who live in differ-
ent households and come together only on special Sibling experiences vary greatly. An important
occasions. There are also more only children, factor is the amount of time brothers and sisters
whose closest siblinglike relationships will be spend together when they are young. Two children
with their friends. There are more two-child fam- who are close in age. particularly if they are of the
which the relationship between the
ilies as well, in same gender, generally spend a lot of time to-
children tends to be more intense for the lack of gether, must share their parents' attention, and are
other siblings, especially if their parents divorce. usually raised under similar conditions. Siblings
Thus, sibling relationships may become more sa- who are born far apart spend less time with each
lient for the current generation because of all the other and have fewer shared experiences; they
factors that are diminishing the family and com- grow up at very different points in their family's
munity network. Clearly, the more time siblings evolution and are in many ways like only children.
spend with one another and the fewer siblings Sulloway (1996) maintains that children who
there are, the more intense their relationships are are closest in age have the greatest competition and
likely to be. Furthermore, siblings who have little rivalry for their parents care; therefore, the second
SIBLINGS THROUGH THE LIFE CYCLE 155
sibling has the greatest need to differentiate from ence for sons is diminishing (Entwistle & Doering.
the oldest to find a niche for him or herself. 1981 ), there is still a greater likelihood that a fam-
The ultimate shared sibling experience is that ily with only female children will continue to try
of identical twins. The) have a special relationship for a boy. We have come a long way from the in-
that is exclusive of the rest of the family. Twins fanticide that other cultures have resorted to when
have been known to develop their own language they had daughters instead of sons, but the rem-
and maintain an uncanny, almost telepathic sense nants of those attitudes still exist. Families are
of each other. Even fraternal twins often have re- more likely to divorce if they only have daughters,
markable similarities because of their shared life and divorced fathers are more likely to lose contact
experiences. with children if they are daughters.
The major challenge for twins is to develop Unlike oldest sons, who typically have a clear
individual identities. Since they do not have their feeling of entitlement, oldest daughters often have
own unique sibling position, there is a tendency to feelings of ambivalence and guilt about the respon-
lump tw ins together. This becomes a problem es- sibilities of their role. Whatever they do, they feel
pecially when, as adolescents, they are trying to that it is not quite enough, and they can never let up
develop their separate identities. Sometimes twins in their efforts to caretake and make the family
have to go to extremes to distinguish themselves work right. They are the ones who maintain the
from each other. networks; who make Thanksgiving, Christmas,,
and Passover happen: who care for the sick; and
who carry on the primary mourning when family
GENDER DIFFERENCES
members die. They are central in family process,
Sister pairs tend to have the closest relationships. more often taking responsibility for maintaining
Sisters generally have been treated differently family relationships than their brothers. Sisters not
from brothers in families, given the pivotal care- only do more caretaking. but they tend to share
taking role that sisters typically have in a family. more intimacy and have more intense relationships
Both brothers and sisters report feeling more posi- than brothers, although they typically get less
tive about sisters (Troll & Smith. 1976) and indi- glory than brothers do. From childhood on, most
cate that a sister was the sibling to whom they felt sibling caretaking is delegated to older sisters.
closest (Cicirelli. 1982). According to a survey by with brothers freed for play or other tasks (Cicire-
Cicirelli (1983). the more sisters a man has. the lli. 1985). Brother-to-brother relationships appear
happier he is and the less worried about family, characterized by more rivalry, competitiveness,
job. or money matters. Sisters seem to provide a ambivalence, and jealousy (Adams. 1968; Cicire-
basic feeling of emotional security. The more sis- lli, 1985). while sister relationships are character-
ters a woman has. the more she is concerned w ith ized by more support and caretaking.
keeping up social relationships and helping others Sister relationships, like those of women
(Cicirelli. 1985). Siblings can provide role models friends, are more often devalued than peer relation-
for successful aging, widowhood, bereavement, ships involving men. A woman who wants to avoid
and retirement. They act as caretakers and exert a move for her husband's job to be near her sister is
pressures on each other to maintain values. considered strange indeed. She will probably be
With rare exceptions, fewer expectations for labeled "enmeshed" or "undifferentiated."* Yet it is
intellectual and worldly achievement are placed the sister who was there at the beginning, before
on. or allowed to. sisters than brothers. It is inter- the husband, and who will most likely be there at
esting that in Hennig and Jardin's classic study the end, after he is dead and gone. A strong sense
(1977) of highly successful women in business. of sisterhood seems to strengthen a woman's sense
not a single woman in the sample had had a of self (Cicirelli. 1982, 1985; Noberini. Brady, &
brother. Research indicates that while the prefer- Mosatche. in press).
156 CHAPTER 9
With the best of intentions, parents may con- In general, oldest children are likely to be the
vey very different messages to their sons than to overresponsible and conscientious ones in the fam-
their daughters. In certain cultures, such as Italian ily. They make good leaders, since they have ex-
and Latino, daughters are more likely to be raised perienced authority over and responsibility for
to take care of others, including their brothers. younger siblings. Often serious in disposition, they
Some cultural groups, such as Irish and African may believe that they have a mission in life. In
American families, may, for various historical rea- identifying with their parents and being especially
sons, overprotect sons and underprotect daughters favored by them, oldest children tend to be conser-
(McGoldrick, 1989a; McGoldrick, Giordano, & vative even while leading others into new worlds;
Pearce, 1996). Other cultural groups have less and while they may be self-critical, they do not
specific expectations. Anglos, for example, are necessarily handle criticism from others well.
more likely to believe in brothers and sisters The oldest daughter often has the same sense
having equal chores. But, in general, it is impor- of responsibility, conscientiousness, and ability to
tant to notice how gender roles influence sibling care for and lead others as her male counterpart.
patterns in understanding a family (McGoldrick, However, daughters generally do not receive the
1989b). same privileges, nor are there generally the same
expectations for them to excel. Thus, they may be
saddled with the responsibilities of the oldest child
BIRTH-ORDER EFFECTS IN SIBLING
without the privileges or enhanced self-esteem.
RELATIONSHIPS
The middle child in a family is in between,
Although birth order can profoundly influence having neither the position of the first as the stan-
later experiences with spouses, friends, and col- dard bearer nor the last as the baby. Middle chil-
leagues, many other factors also influence sibling dren thus run the risk of getting lost in the family,
roles, such as temperament, disability, class, cul- especially if all the siblings are of the same sex. On
ture, looks, intelligence, talent, gender, and the the other hand, middle children may develop into
timing of each birth in relation to other family the best negotiators, more even-tempered and mel-
experiences — deaths, moves, illnesses, changes in low than their more driven older siblings and less
financial status, and so on. self-indulgent than the youngest. They may even
Parents may have a particular agenda for a relish their invisibility.
specific child, such as expecting him or her to be Frank Sulloway (1996) argues on the basis of
the responsible one or the baby, regardless of that a large sample of historical figures that later-born
child's position in the family. Children who resem- children, both middle and youngest children, are
ble a certain family member may be expected to be very much more likely to be rebels than are oldest
like that person or to take on that person's role. or only children because of the Darwinian impera-
Children's temperaments may also be at odds with tive for survival. The niche of following in the pa-
their sibling positions. This may explain why some rental footsteps has already been taken by the
children struggle so valiantly against family ex- oldest, and they need to find a different niche to
pectations — the oldest who refuses to take on the survive. They therefore tend to be less parent iden-
responsibility of the caretaker or family standard tified, less conscientious, and more sociable. Tra-
bearer or the youngest who strives to be a leader. In ditionally, in many European cultures, younger
some families, it will be the child who is most children, sons in particular, had to be disposed of,
comfortable with the responsibility —not necessar- since the oldest took over the family from the fa-
ily the oldest child — who becomes the leader. ther; younger sons became warriors or priests or
Parents' own sibling experiences will affect their fulfilled other less conventional roles in society.
children as well. But certain typical patterns often A middle sister is under less pressure to take
occur that reflect each child's birth order. responsibility, but she needs to try harder to make
SIBLINGS THROUGH THE LIFK CYCLE 157
her mark in general because she has no special love and approval and in return expecting their un-
role. She remembers running to catch up with the divided attention. The major challenge for onlj
older sister from childhood and running frantically children is to learn how to get along with others
from the younger one. who seemed to be gaining their own age. Onh children often maintain verj
onhere\er% minute (Fishel. 1979). close attachments to their parents throughout their
The youngest child often has a sense of spe- lives but find it more difficult to relate to friends
cialness that allows self-indulgence without the and spouses.

overburdening sense of responsibility of oldest
children. This pattern ma\ be more intense the
LIFECYCLE ISSUES IN FAMILIES
more siblings there are in a family. The \ounger of
WITH DISABLED SIBLINGS
two children probably has more a sense of pairing
and twinship — unless there is a considerable age We need to plan therapeutically for the lifelong
differential — than the youngest of ten. Freed from implications that a handicapped child has for all
convention and determined to do things his or her famih members, especially for the adjustment and
own way. the youngest child can sometimes make caretaking responsibilities of the siblings. Siblings
remarkable creative leaps leading to inventions and respond not only to the disabled child but also to
innovations. parents* distress and/or preoccupation with the
Youngest children can also be spoiled and needs of the disabled child. Parents may also shift
self-absorbed, and their sense of entitlement may their hopes and dreams onto their other child,
lead at times to frustration and disappointment. In which can create burden and sibling strains (Cicir-
addition, the youngest often has a period as an only elli. 1995 ). Older children tend to make a better ad-
child after the older siblings have left home. This justment to disability than do younger ones
can be an opportunity to enjoy the sole attention of because older children are better able to put the sit-
parents but can also lead to feelings of abandon- uation in perspective. Relative birth order is also
ment by the siblings. important. A younger sibling may have difficulties
A younger sister tends to be protected, show- associated with needing to assume a crosso\er
ered with affection, and handed a blueprint for life. leadership role iBoyce & Barnett. 1993). Normal
She may either be spoiled (especially if there are siblingsbecome especially stressed when parents
older brothers) and have special privileges or. if expect them to treat a disabled sibling as normal or
she is from a large family, frustrated by always w hen parents expect them to be preoccupied w ith
having to wait her turn. Her parents may have run the needs of the disabled sibling. During adoles-
out of energy with her. She may feel resentful cence, siblings may feel particular embarrassment
about being bossed around and never taken quite about a disabled sibling. On the other hand, if they
seriously. If she is the only girl, the youngest may have developed greater maturity through sibling
be more like the princess, yet the sen ant to elders, caretaking experiences, they may feel out of step
becoming, perhaps, the confidante of her brothers with peers (Cicirelli. 1995).
in adult life and the one to replace the parents in Oldest sisters are at greatest risk because of
holding the family together. increased parental demands on them. Brothers of
Like middle children, only children show disabled siblings tend to spend more time away
characteristics of both oldest and youngest chil- from the family Cicirelli. 1995). and this is some-
i
dren. In fact, they may show the extremes of both thing that we can help families change. These vers
at the same time. They may have the seriousness parental expectations need to be questioned as
and sense of responsibility of the oldest and the we help parents to include brothers in caretaking
conviction of specialness and entitlement of the and prevent sisters from becoming overburdened.
youngest. Not having siblings, only children tend Otherwise, in later life, brothers may become
to be more oriented toward adults, seeking their completely disengaged from the disabled sibling.
158 CHAPTER 9
while sisters must bear total responsibility for enced the greatest demands and were the most in-
them. fluenced by the retarded child in their career and

Small families tend to experience more pres- family decisions. Sisters tended to be closer to the
sure when there is a handicapped child because impaired child than brothers are and to have more
there are fewer siblings to share the responsibil- responsibilities. They had less time for peer in-
ity. The pressure seems increased when the hand- volvement and were more informed about the
icapped sibling is a brother, probably because of handicapped siblings than brothers were. Older
parents*, especially fathers', reactions of personal sisters were found to enter the helping profes-
hurt to pride in having a disabled son. Sisters sions more often than other siblings (Cicirelli,
seem more ready to accept the role of caretaker 1995).
for a brother and to have more sibling rivalry or The following is an illustration of the life cy-
competition with a handicapped sister. In a study cle implications of the imbalance in caretaking re-
of siblings of retarded children, older sisters were sponsibilities between an older sister and younger
more affected than older brothers, undoubtedly brothers in providing care for a disabled brother
because they got the lion's share of the caretaking (Figure 9.1). It provides a classic portrayal of the
responsibility for the retarded child. They experi- findings in the literature.
Irish German Irish Irish
in wheelchair
o
for many years
caretaker died 1987,

of mother
depression died 1989
chronically ill for ten years chronically ill for ten years
before he died before she died
1954- 1958- 1963- 1963-

Charles X Michael
cerebral
computer analyst; palsy
T
caretaker of Charles;
caretaker of father 1985-1987;
Mary Ann 1987-
9
m. 1987
Lucia
caretaker of mother 1987-1989

Presenting problem: stomach pains married just after
father died
FIGURE 9.1 Donnelly Genogram

The Donnellys are a famih of German-Irish and as guilt ridden and depressed, having pledged un-
Roman Catholic background. Both parents died in dying loyalty to her mother's wishes that she care
the late 1980s of chronic illnesses, leaving behind for her younger handicapped brother, despite the
an oldest daughter. Mary Ann, a younger brother, fact that her personal and social life had been sacri-
and youngest fraternal twin brothers, one of whom, ficed by this commitment.
Charles, had been handicapped since birth with ce- To understand this better, we inquired about the
rebral palsy. The sister had been reared for such a sibling relationships of both parents and discovered
caretaker's role since her preteens; she had taken that the father, also named Jim. also an oldest son,
care of her handicapped brother from the time she had been virtually cut off from his sole who
sister,
was 9 and of her chronically ill father for two years had cared for their widowed mother, who was
before his death. She had also cared for her chron- wheelchair-bound with multiple sclerosis for many
ically ill mother until her death two years later. Al- years. We were able to explore with the other sib-
though she had attended college and had a lings the father's longstanding depression, which
successful career as a computer analyst, she was they believed resulted from his own unhappy cut-
never free to take even an overnight vacation from off from his parents. We discovered that the sibling
her brother. overfunctioning and underfunctioning in the cur-

When her other brothers distanced themselves rent generation and the imminent cut-offs reflected
from her and Charles in the wake of the mother's similar imbalances in both parents' families that
death, she began to have unexplained stomach had led to sibling cut-offs at midlife. Mary Ann and
pains, and her family physician referred the family Charles initially wanted to ignore Jim and his fam-
for therapy. The family therapist initially addressed ily, but we have been challenging them to try to
the family's problems as unresolved mourning and overcome the family legacy of sibling cut-off. We
attempted to involve the reluctant brothers in taking have also challenged with Mary Ann and the others
some responsibility for the disabled brother in an her "duty" and the long-held family and cultural
attempt to reconnect the family by helping them to beliefs about sisters' obligations in caretaking. She
moum the death of their mother and challenge the has recently been successful in asserting herself
directives of the mother's will, which identified with Charles's doctors regarding their assumptions
Mary Ann as sole caretaker. Many attempts were about Charles's need for continual monitoring. Re-
made to assemble all family members together. cently, she took her first vacation in many years
Charles's twin brother Michael was easier to while Charles went to stay with Michael and his
involve in therapy than the older brother, Jim. wife.
Michael had almost cut off from the family when
he married his Italian wife, Lucia, of whom the
family disapproved. The marriage had occurred SIBLING POSITIONS AND PARENTING
shortly after the father had died, and the mother had
felt doubly bereft by the loss of her husband and her If you have struggled in your own sibling position,
son, who, she said, chose to leave the family in their as a parent you may overidentify with a child of the
time of need. Michael almost seemed to have been same sex and sibling position as yourself. One fa-
waiting for the chance to sort out issues he had with therwho was an oldest of five felt that he had been
the family. Within two months, he sought help for burdened with too much responsibility while his
his own marital problems and continued working
younger brothers and sister "got away with mur-
hard on his connections to his brother and sister.
der." When his own children came along, he
The older brother. Jim, was much harder to in-
spoiled the oldest and tried to make the younger
volve in the therapy. He made one excuse after an-
other for not attending sessions and then said that

ones toe the line. A mother may find it difficult to
his wife's feelings were hurt because Mary Ann sympathize with a youngest daughter if she always
had not attended his daughter's christening. He felt envious of her younger sister. Parents may also
wanted to accept unquestioningly that it was the identify w ith one particular child because of a re-
sister's responsibility to care for Charles. Mary semblance to another family member. Whether
Ann also seemed to accept this role. She presented these identifications are conscious or unconscious,
160 CHAPTER 9
they are normal. It is a myth that parents can feel This is followed by a distancing during the early
the same toward all their children. Problems de- and middle years of adulthood, but in old age, peo-
velop when a parent's need for the child to play a ple rate affectional closeness with siblings higher
certain role interferes with the child's abilities or and conflict lower than do middle-aged siblings
with two siblings' relationship to each other or to (Brady & Noberini, 1987). As they reach young
outsiders. A parent's identification with a child adulthood, sisters often grow farther apart, each fo-
may be so strong that he or she perpetuates old cusing on her own friends, work, and relationships,
family patterns in the next generation. On the other developing her own family. They may get together
hand, if their own experience has been different, during holidays at the parental home, but often the
parents may misread their own children. Two sis- focus is primarily on the relationship of each to the
tersmay get along quite well though their mother parents or spouses rather than on their relation-
expects them to fight as she and her sister did. And ships with each other. Supportmay be least at this
a parent who was an only child may assume that phase, and competition may be strongest: Who
normal sibling fights are an indication of trouble. went to the better school? Whose husband or chil-
dren are more successful? Whose life is happier?
The images that each develops of the other are of-
SIBLINGS AND ADOLESCENT
ten colored less by their personal interchanges than
RELATIONSHIPS
by the rivalries carried over from childhood or the
By the time adolescence begins, siblings provide parental images, which get transmitted to each
important models and alter egos. By adolescence, other as they each hear from parents about the
one sibling may begin to live out a life path for the other's life. The oldest sister, once the responsible
other, so that they become alternate selves. But sis- caretaker, may still resent her "bratty and irrespon-
ters in particular also often share secrets, clothes, sible little brother," now six feet two, who teased
and sensitivities about their parents' problems. her mercilessly throughout childhood. She soon
Gay and lesbian adolescents often have a par- finds herself falling into an old pattern of giving
ticularly difficult time at this phase of their bud- him advice. And he, though now a successful busi-
ding sexuality, both in dealing with peers and in ness executive, is immediately on the defensive be-
dealing with parents and institutions. Having a cause the old family script triggers his memories of
supportive sibling network can be an extremely being bossed around and of feeling impotent. A
important cushion against the difficulties of school younger sister who felt dominated or abused by her
and neighborhood rejection, or it can contribute to older brother may feel uncomfortable even sitting
the sense of isolation and rejection of children at at the same table with him. All the unpleasant
this time. memories flood back. Two brothers who spent
Obviously, not all siblings are close. Child- theirchildhoods competing in sports, in school,
hood rivalries and hurts carry over into adoles- and for parental attention may find themselves
cence and adulthood. At family get-togethers, subtly competing in the holiday dinner table con-
everyone tries, at least at first, to be friendly and versation. Even if there are no major flare-ups,
cordial, but beneath the surface, old conflicts may family members may leave the dinner feeling
bored or vaguely dissatisfied, glad that such occa-
sions occur only a few times a year.
Whether deliberately or inadvertently, parents

SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
can perpetuate such old sibling patterns. A mother
IN YOUNG ADULTHOOD
may compare one child with another, perhaps
Feelings of closeness to siblings have been found chiding one for not calling as often as another
to be strong just before they leave their parental does. A father might talk repeatedly about how
home (Bowerman & Dobash, 1974; Troll, 1994). proud he is of his son, not realizing that he is ignor-
ing his daughter. A parent may elicit the support of younger sister and the wife was the younger sister
one sibling in an effort to "shape up" another. Clin- of an older brother. However, the complementarity
ically, we can do much to challenge such values on of caretaker and someone who needs caretaking or
behalf of all siblings. leader and follower does not guarantee intimacy or
It is at this phase also that sisters may move a happy marriage.
into different social classes as they marry and In addition to complementary birth order, it
move, according to the culture's expectations, to seems to help in marriage if one has had siblings of
adapt to their husband's socioeconomic context. the opposite sex. The most difficult pairing might
They themsehes are often not able to define this many sisters who
be that ot the youngest sister of
context. It has traditionally been defined by the hus- marries the youngest brother of many brothers,
band's education, work, and financial status. Al- since neither would have much experience of the
though some cultures, such as African American opposite sex in a close way, and they might both
and Irish, emphasize friendship between siblings play the spoiled child waiting for a caretaker.
more than other groups, such as Scandinavian or There are. of course, many other possible sib-
Jewish culture (Woehrer. 1982), the sister bond is ling pairings in marriage. The marriage of two
generally continued through a mutual sense of only children might be particularly difficult, since
shared understanding and responsibility for the neither has the experience of intimate sharing that
family, more than through common interests, espe- one does with a brother or sister. Middle children
cially when class differences between the sisters may be the most flexible, since they have experi-
have developed. ences with a number of different roles.
Coupling and marriage tend to increase the
distance between siblings. Sisters may be pres-
SIBLING POSITIONS AND
sured by their spouses to decrease their intimacy
MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS
with each other, and that pressure may create sib-
Sibling relationships can often pave the way for ling distance that lasts until later life. Maya An-
couple relationships — for sharing, interdependence, gelou (1981) has described the efforts siblings
and mutuality — just as they can predispose partners must make to remain connected in spite of spousal
to jealousy, power struggles, and rivalry. Since sib- pressure:
lings are generally our earliest peer relationships.
/ don 't believe that the accident of birth makes peo-
we are likely to be most comfortable in other rela-
ple sisters and brothers. It makes them siblings.
tionships that reproduce the familiar sibling patterns
Gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and
of birth order and gender. Generally speaking, brotherhood are conditions people have to work at.
marriage seems easiest for partners who fit their It 's a serious matter. You compromise, you give, you
original sibling pattern, for example, if an oldest take, you stand firm, and you 're relentless. ...And it
marries a youngest, rather than two oldests marry- is an investment. Sisterhood means if you happen to
ing each other. If a wife has grow n up as the oldest be in Burma and I happen to be in San Diego and
of many siblings and the caretaker, she might be at- I'm married to someone who's very jealous and
tracted to a dominant oldest who offers to take over you 're married to somebody who s very possessive,
management of responsibilities. But as time goes if you call me in the middle of the night. I have to
come. (p. 62)

along, she may come to resent his assertion of au-
thority, because, by experience, she is more com- Sister-in-law and brother-in-law relationships
fortable making decisions for herself. can have some of the positives of sibling relation-
All things being equal (and they seldom are in ships without the tensions, but things seldom work
life!), the ideal marriage based on sibling position out this way. Sisters-in-law share a future but not
would be a complementary one in which, for a biological or childhood history. As Bernikow
example, the husband was the older brother of a (1980) put it:
162 CHAPTER 9
my sister-
At the border offamily andfriends standi selves must begin to put the effort into maintaining
in-law Marlene. We do not share a mother, do not their own relationship.
worn about the pull of likeness and the need for In our culture, sisters are generally the care-
separation. Much of the conflict and tension be-
takers of parents and other unattached older rela-
tween sisters is missing for us. Still, as sister-in-
tives or the managers who have responsibility to
law, it is possible that she might be my sister in
arrange for the caretaking. In other cultures, such
spirit. The things that arise between us are things
as in Japan, this role goes to the wife of the oldest
that arise between other women, touched by our
family affiliation, (p. 105)
son. But in our culture, if sisters do not do the pri-
mary caretaking, they often feel guilty about it be-
The interesting aspect of in-law patterns is the cause the cultural pressure is so strong that they
extent to which the structure of the family tends to should, and they are often held responsible for it by
determine in-law relationships in a family, even others.
though family members are more sure than ever Sibling relationships can be a most important
that it is just personality characteristics that they connection in adult life, especially in the later
are reacting against in rejecting an in-law. years. However, if negative feelings persist, the
Sisters-in-law who marry into families that care of an aging parentmay bring on particular dif-
have only brothers probably have the greatest ficulty. At such may have been
a time, siblings
likelihood of developing positive connections to apart for years. They may have to work together in
the new family. The wife of a youngest brother of new and unfamiliar ways. The child who has re-
older sisters is probably in the most difficult po- mained closest to the parents, usually a daughter,
sition, since this brother may have been treated often gets most of these caretaking responsibili-
like a prince. He may be resented though pro- ties, which may cause long-buried jealousies and
tected by his sisters, whom he probably tried to resentments to surface.
avoid for their "bossiness." When he finds a wife, While the final caretaking of parents may in-
his choice is likely to reflect in part his need for crease a child's commitment and closeness to them
some protection against other powerful females, (Bass & Bowman. 1990), it may either draw sib-
and his wife may then become the villain, sup- lings together or arouse conflicts over who did
posedly keeping him from having a closer rela- more and who did less. It is at the death of the last
tionship with his sisters. parent that sibling relationships become voluntary
for the first time in life. While parents are alive,
siblings may have contact with and hear news

SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS IN MIDLIFE
about each other primarily as a function of their re-
Often, it is not until midlife that siblings reconnect lationships with their parents. If there are unre-
with each other, through the shared experiences of solved problematic issues in a family, they are
caring for a failing or dying parent, a divorce in likely to surface at this time in conflicts over the fi-
the family, or perhaps a personal health problem, nal caretaking. the funeral, or the will. Once the
which inspires them to clarify their priorities and parents die. siblings must decide for the first time
to redefine which relationships in life really matter whether to maintain contact with each other.
to them. Sometimes, at this point, relationships Because it is women who tend to be so central
that have been maintained at a superficial level in maintaining the emotional relationships in a
may break under the strain of caretaking or under family, sisters may focus their disappointments on
the pain of the distance that has grown between each other or on their sisters-in-law more than on
them. On the other hand, siblings may now be their brothers, who are often treated with kid
brought closer to each other. Their relationships gloves and not expected to give much in the way of
may solidify through the realization that their par- emotional or physical support when caretaking is
ents will not always be there and that they them- required. Brothers may provide financial support.
—
but the usual excuse for their lack of involvement define themselves more in terms of context and to
is that they don't have the time — they are busy place a high value on the quality of human rela-
with their work — as if sisters were not equally tionships. Cicirelli ( 1982) found that having a rela-
busy with their own work. tionship with a sister stimulates elderly women to
remain socially engaged with others as well. Al-

though the relationships of sisters, like all female
SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS AFTER
relationships, tend to be invisible in the value
THE DEATH OF PARENTS structure of the culture at large, sisters tend to sus-
Once both parents have died, sibling relationships tain one another in time of need throughout life. In
become truly independent for the first time. From old age, they become indispensable. As Margaret
here on, whether they see each other will be their Mead (1972) described it:
own choice. This is the time when estrangement

Sistersdraw closer together and often, in old age,
can become complete, particularly if old rivalries
theybecome each other's chosen and most happy
continue. The focus may be on concrete disagree-
companions. In addition to their shared memories
ments: Who should have helped in the care of their
of childhood and their relationships to each other's
ailing parent? Who took all the responsibility? memories of the same house,
children, they share
Who was more loved? Strong feelings can be fu-
the same homemaking style, and the same small
eled by old unresolved issues. In general, the better prejudices about housekeeping.
relationships siblings have, the less likely it is that
later traumatic family events will lead to a parting Mead's comment is interesting in its focus on the
of the ways. details of life. Especially as we grow older, it is the
At the end of the life cycle, sisters are espe- details — of our memories, or of our housekeeping,
cially likely to be a major support for each other or or of our relationships with each other's children
even to live together. Older women are especially that may hold us together.
likely to rely on their sisters, as well as their daugh- We are coming to appreciate more the impor-
ters and even their nieces, for support (Anderson. tance of adult sibling relationships as researchers
1984; Lopata, 1979; Townsend, 1957). Anderson have observed that family support for caregivers
(1984) found that sisters were the ones to whom correlates with the presence of siblings (Bedford,
older widows most often turned, more often than 1989). As we age, some sibling relationships lose
to children, even though they were not more the competitive quality of childhood and become
available geographically. She speculated that the more like friendships (McGhee, 1985; Norris &
reasons might include sisters' shared history of Tindale,1994). As personal resources may be-
experiences and life transitions. She concludes come overtaxed by the demands of frail or de-
that siblings, especially sisters, take on added sig- mented aging parents, sibling bonds may either
nificance as confidants and emotional resources become overtaxed or provide the extra energy for
for women after they have been widowed. caretaking. Sibling relationships may also become
Because siblings share a unique history, remi- closer with aging, as activities and preoccupations
niscing about earlier times together is an activity in of earlier life cycle phases diminish. The loss of
which they engage at many points in the life cycle. a spouse who may have interfered with sibling
Such reminiscing tends to become even more im- closeness leaves siblings with more time and need
portant late in life. It helps all siblings to validate for the comfort and sharing of the sibling bond.
and clarify events and relationships that took place Cicirelli (1989) found that attachment is more
in earlier years and to place them in mature per- likely to characterize sibling ties when sisters are
spective, and it can become an important source of involved. It does appear that sibling rivalries di-
pride and comfort (Cicirelli. 1985). This seems es- minish in later life. Generational solidarity in-
pecially meaningful for sisters who tend anyway to creases and sibling bonds appear to have greater
164 CHAPTER 9
salience for siblings as they age (Norris & Tindale, oppression and in which siblings can live indepen-
1994). dently of each other. In cultures in which sibling
caretaking is a major form of caretaking, as it is for
African Americans, strong emotional attachment,
OTHER FACTORS THAT INTERSECT
positive or negative, may have a profound effect on
WITH SIBLING PATTERNS: CULTURE,
siblinghood throughout the life cycle (Watson,
CLASS, AND RACE
1998). Although large sibships such as those that
In addition to early parental loss, temperament, the may be found in Irish Catholic families may also
child's physical attributes, family traumas, and produce older sibling caretakers, this role will
major life changes related to politics, economics, probably end with childhood. Among African
and emotional factors affecting families, class, cul- Americans, however, sibling caretakers tend to
ture and race also powerfully influence sibling pat- continue their role into adulthood. Childhood sib-
terns. Cultures and classes differ in the expected ling caretaking helps to prepare them for their life-
roles and relationships of siblings (Leder, 1993; long role as each other's keeper (Watson. 1998).
McGoldrick et al., 1996; Nuckolls, 1993; Sand- Hence, the expectations of African American sib-
meier, 1994; Sulloway, 1996; Watson, in press; lings have implications for individual and family
Zukow, 1989). development throughout the life cycle.
A family's ethnic identity may determine Some cultures use the term "brother" or "sis-
whether siblings are close, distant, or created equal ter" to convey the depth of a cherished relation-
(Leder, 1991 ) and the meaning of the siblinghood. ship. The Vietnamese, for example, address lovers
Some ethnic groups, such as Asians, may show a and spouses as "big brother" or "little sister," and
greater preference for male children; some, such as African Americans may greet one another with the
African Americans, value the family unit over in- term "Brother" or "Sister" to convey their sense of
dividual members; others, such as Anglos give pri- kinship (Sandmaier, 1994). Such terms of endear-
ority to autonomy and self-reliance. ment express the particular culture's valuing of
Even the concept of sibling rivalry is culture- sibling relationships.
bound, being largely a Western phenomenon that The family's emotional map is governed by its
stems from a focus on individual achievement, cultural roots. Families of Northern European and
competition, and status. In contrast, a huge seg- Anglo backgrounds may discourage strong dis-
ment of the world's population dissuades children plays of feeling or affection and will probably view
from assuming the stance of sibling-as-rival by in- themselves, their siblings and their parents as a re-
stilling in them a sense of "we-ness" rather than lated collection of individuals. German brothers
"I" (Sandmeier, 1994). In cultures that train their and sisters would also be likely to refrain from
children to view each other as necessary, siblings showing strong or open affection toward one an-
are more likely to have lifelong, enduring ties. other because of the cultural prescription to main-
In some oppressed cultures, the closely knit tain a stiff upper lip (Sandmaier, 1994).
sibling bond is also influenced by historical needs In Italian culture, in which the family super-
for survival. Family members rely on mutual sup- cedes the individual, sibling relationships tend to
port and aid to fulfill basic material and emotional be close, especially between same-sex pairs. In a
needs. In African American families, the tradition study conducted by Colleen Leahy Johnson ( 1982),
of tightly woven sibships that was passed down 63 percent of middle-aged Italian women saw a
from African culture is combined with the family's sibling daily, in contrast to 12 percent of their An-
need to function as a unit to deal with the forces of glo counterparts. Among college-educated older
racism (Watson. 1998). Thus, strong sibling bonds Americans. African American siblings were three
may be more necessary for African Americans times as likely as whites to focus on themes of loy-
than for people in cultures that are not affected by alty, solidarity, and enduring affection. Hence, the
cultural message thai African Americans receive ments may characterize adult sibling relationships
to stay together and help each other does not disap- for siblings who end up in different socioeconomic
pear as family members move up the class ladder groups. Lower-class African American siblings
or move toward old age. may hold their resentment of middle-class or pro-
In Greek and Jewish cultures, conflicting fessional brothers and sisters in check because of
messages about family loyalty and individual suc- cultural expectations of familyhood and their need
cess and competition may add to sibling tensions. for physical support. Middle-class brothers and
Siblings may be Tierce rivals at the same time that sisters may resent lower-class siblings for relying
family cohesion is expected (Sandmaier, 1994). on them but not feel free to express such resent-
Irish siblings also seem to have ambivalent feel- ment because of the sense of family obligation.
ings toward one another. Irish culture's emphasis In Jewish families, sibling resentment or cut-
on dichotomies and labels may spark sibling ri- offs may result from intense feelings around the
valry while simultaneously inducing guilt in the success or lack of success of one's brother or sister.
sibling for having bad thoughts. Thus, buried re- Parental reactions to successful and nonsuccessful
sentments that enable siblings to appear connected children may exacerbate sibling fissures related to
while the parents are alive may lead to sibling cut- class differences. The need to prove oneself intel-
offs in the wake of parental death. lectually superior and successful for Jewish sib-
Culturally influenced family rules and scripts lings may be related to their cultural history and
set the stage for sibling relationships (Sandmaier. experience of the Holocaust. Class differences be-
1994; Watson. 1998). As more Americans face tween Jewish siblings might adversely affect their
longer lives without partners or children, sibling relationship, especially if one perceives the other
relationships must be revisited. Our brothers and as having had an unfair advantage.
sisters are potentially emotional and physical re- Class differences in Anglo families may result
sources at all points of the life cycle, but individual in sibling antagonism, but the cultural pattern of
needs for attachment and belonging are apt to be individuality and autonomy may obscure such re-
more critical at later junctures of the life cycle. sentments or conflicts. Since these siblings tend
In cultures that prize individuality over family not to mingle except for formal family occasions,
unity, siblings' life cycle patterns may remain dis- sibling tensions would go virtually unnoticed and
tinct and separate as brothers and sisters keep their probably would not be dealt with by the siblings
families of procreation apart. In cultures that de- themselves. Lower-class family members at fam-
mand family cohesion or enmeshment. siblings' ily events may be treated like poor relations, or
life cycle patterns may become fused, making it they may be closed out of family events because
difficult for families of procreation to establish of cut-offs. Although lower-class family members
their own traditions and ways of relating. could be treated negatively by middle-class Afri-
Understanding the cultural context of sibling can Americans, it would not go unnoticed, and the
relationships provides a larger framework for ad- mother would probably intervene on behalf of the
dressing individual issues of self-esteem and iden- lower-class sibling.
tity, unresolved issues of childhood and sibling Regardless of the ethnic or cultural group,
relationships through the life cycle. A sister from a class tensions are likely to surface when aging or
culture that prefers sons may stop blaming her ill parents require care from children.
brother and have greater compassion for her par- Class may influence the way rebellion may in-
ents once she realizes the cultural script in which tersect with sibling position. Just as oldest sisters
they all played a part. may be more rebellious than oldest brothers be-
Class differences are likely to have a major cause the gender inequities impinge on an oldest
impact on adult siblings from oppressed cultures sister's "right" to be the leader, oldest siblings
or poor families. Unacknowledged or overt resent- in minoritv families mav become more rebellious
166 CHAPTER 9
than oldest siblings from the dominant groups be- our siblings (Adler, 1959, 1979; Benton, 1992;
cause of the interaction of social privilege and sta- Sulloway, 1996; Sutton-Smith & Rosenberg, 1970).
tus with sibling status. While one might think that Unlike our relationships with our parents, our
since family members of oppressed groups might friends, and our spouses (like it or not), our sibling
all be more resistant to the status quo than mem- relationships are lifelong. However, the gender dif-
bers of the upper classes, sibling position would ferences are pronounced in sibling relationships.
exaggerate these class effects (for example, mak- Sibships of sisters tend to differ from sibships of
ing a younger sibling of a poor family even more brothers. Whereas brother relationships are often
rebellious). Sulloway (1996) found that, as with more competitive and superficial, sisters tend to
the interaction of gender and birth order, the oldest be more connected and deeply involved in each
child in a poor family may use a strategy of rebel- other's lives and the lives of other family members
lion against the status quo as the best way to throughout the family life cycle. Although less
achieve eminence. The more radical reformers honored or glorified, sisters are often the desig-
have tended to come from racial minorities and nated caretaker of disabled family members. They
lower classes, and to be later-borns. In Sulloway's are confidantes and healers of the family. Their
research, abolitionism attracted the highest pro- lifelong friendships become even more significant
portion of later-borns of any reform movement he and stronger after parents die and as they them-
surveyed. Still, because Sulloway's study's were selves enter old age. Given the importance of these
focused primarily on Europeans, who became in- bonds, which are always present in the family ther-
volved in scientific revolutions, we need further apy context, therapists should become more aware
research on culture, class, gender, and sibling pat- of their influence, initiate more clinical research,
terns from other countries where lives include and integrate these observations in their interven-
other spheres of activity and interest. Sulloway tions. Including siblings in therapy at any point of
suggests that the early parental loss in the upper the life cycle can validate the importance of their
classes diminishes sibling differences based on relationships, help them to resolve their conflicts,
birth order, as nannies and other caretakers come whether recent or deep seated from unresolved
in to replace the lost parent, and siblings become childhood conflicts, and strengthen them for their
more supportive of each other as they share their future. Sibling sessions can unlock a client's slack-
loss. In middle- and lower-class families, the oppo- ness, provide richness to an understanding of a cli-
site may happen. The oldest child is drawn into the ent's history, and provide relief for dealing with
burden of parenting younger siblings and becomes current stresses. A single sibling session may be-
even more conservative, leading the younger sib- come a pivotal experience in an adult's therapy.
lings to become even more rebellious than other- One isolated research scientist who sought therapy
wise. Large sibships reinforce the firstborn's duties because of his wife's frustration with his emotional
as surrogate parent. distance held a session with his siblings who came
from all over the country for the meeting. All
brothers over age 40, they discussed their different
CONCLUSIONS
responses to their mother's mental illness in their
Throughout the family life cycle, relationships are childhood and learned that each had become iso-
constantly changing. Our relationships with our lated in his own way. Each brother thought his
parents are the first and, perhaps, foremost in re- problems were unique and individual, but they dis-
minding us of our family lineage —where we come covered as they reviewed their life experiences
from. Without knowledge of our uncles, aunts, how profoundly connected they had always been
grandparents, and great-grandparents, how can we and would always be. This session shifted the cli-
know who we are? Just as important in shaping our ent's basic relationship with his wife. He now saw
personality development are our relationships with himself as a man among brothers, going through
life together, and felt strengthened in his ability to ling only when the client presents a sibling prob-
be open with his wife. As was described earlier, lem directly.
sibling sessions can help underfunctioning siblings 2. When one sibling is bearing the weight of sib-
to share caretaking burdens, modify gender imbal- ling caretaking for a parent or a disabled sibling.
ances, resolve longstanding conflicts, and increase work to improve the balance of sibling relation-
collaboration. ships so that the siblings can be more collaborative.
3. Assess and carefully challenge inequities in

family roles and emotional and caretaking func-
RULES OF THUMB FOR SIBLING
tioning of brothers and sisters. In general, sisters
RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH
tend to be seriously overburdened and brothers to
THE LIFE CYCLE
seriously underfunction in terms of meeting the
1. Take a proactive stance about including sib- emotional needs of the broader family.
lings in families, whatever the presenting prob- 4. Validate the importance of sibling relation-
lem. Say to yourself. "Why not have a sibling ships and encourage resolution of sibling conflicts
session " rather than thinking of including a sib- whenever possible.
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Adler. A. ( and theory of individual
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psychology. Paterson. NJ: Lirtlefield. Adams. port in the context of a model of sibling solidar-
Adler, A. (1979). Superiority and social interest. New ity Paper presented at the annual meeting of the
York: W. W. Norton. American Psychological Association, New York.
Anderson. T. 1 1984i. Widowhood as a life transition: Its August.
impact on kinship des. Journal of Marriage and the Cicirelli, V. G. (1982). Sibling influence throughout the
Family. 46i I). 105-114. life span. In M. E. Lamb & B. Sutton-Smith (Eds.).
Angelou. M. (1981). The heart of a woman. New York: Sibling relationships: Their nature and significance
Random House. across the lifespan. Hillsdale. NJ: Lawrence Erl-
Bank. S. P.. & Kahn. M. D. (1982). The sibling bond. baum Associates.
New York: Basic Books. Cicirelli. V. G. (1983). Adult children's attachment and
Bass. D. M.. & Bow man. K. ( 1990). Transidon from care- helping behavior to elderly parents: A path model.
giving to bereavement. The relationship of care- Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45. 815—825.
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( ). The handbook of
Bedford. V. H. (1989). Understanding the value of sib- family psychology and therapy. Homewood. IL: The
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Chapter 10
MIGRATION AND THE LIFE CYCLE

MIGUEL HERNANDEZ
MONICA McGOLDRICK
The United States is a nation built largely by suc- on public assistance than U.S. -born residents are
cessive waves of immigrants. The current average (Fix&Passel. 1994).
is 1 million immigrants per year. 700.000 of whom In fact, it has been reported that undocumented
are legal and the rest are undocumented. Despite immigrants use social services far less than the typ-
the history and tradition of the United States as an ical working-class household (Vemez & McCarthy.
immigrant nation, immigration has become a sub- 1995). This is not surprising, given that federal law
ject of increasingly bitter debate, often supported already renders undocumented immigrants ineligi-
by myths about immigrants and their role in the ble for most social and health sen ices. Moreover,
current socioeconomic and political situation in recent immigrants tend to be healthier than the typ-
the United States. Therefore, the following rele- ical U.S. citizen (Hinojosa & Schey. 1995).
vant demographics are useful to frame some facts Legal and undocumented immigrant families
about the issue: pay an estimated S70 billion a year in taxes while
The number of Americans who were born receiving S43 billion a year in services. Therefore.
elsewhere has risen recently to about 23 million the U.S. economy benefits by S27 billion a year
people or about 8.7 percent of the population, no- from the contribution of immigrants (Immigrants'
where near the 15 percent foreign born in the early Rights Sub-team of Combating Racism Task Force.
1 900s (Holmes. 1 995 ). Indeed, the number of legal 1996). In addition, the U.S. economy benefits from
immigrants admitted to the United States in 1907 immigrant-owned businesses and from the national
was 1.2 million: the number admitted in 1994 was wealth generated by immigrants' consumer spend-
only 804.416 (Labowitz. 1996). ing (Hinojosa & Schey. 1995).
Immigration patterns vary dramatically by re- Large parts of California's economy — in par-
gion. For example, while nearly 25 percent of Cal- ticular, agriculture and the garment industry —
ifornia's population is foreign bom. the numbers would simply not be viable without undocumented
are much lower in New York, only 15 percent of workers. The fact that undocumented immigrants
the population being foreign born (Holmes. 1995). are paid, on the average. 1 5 to 20 percent less than
These two states have the first and second highest legal workers for comparable work means that
percentage of foreign-bom population in the United there are significant price subsidies for the con-
States (Ocasio. 1995). sumers of the goods and services that immigrants
Although the fearmongers would suggest that provide (Hinojosa & Schey. 1995).
we must deter immigrants because they come only Some of the largest consumers of immigrant
to take advantage of the U.S. economy and taxpay- low-cost services are older white property owners
ers, research reveals that immigrants pay more in with high levels of disposable income to spend on
taxes than they receive in public services, generate gardeners, nannies, and house cleaners (Hinojosa
more jobs than they take, and are less likely to be & Schey. 1995).
169
170 CHAPTER 10
The current immigration debate is not just While such rituals for the departure or the
about the U.S. economy but also about the future welcoming of the migrants facilitate the experi-
ethnic makeup of the United States. Whereas the ence of uprooting, the profundity of the loss and
immigrants in the nineteenth and early twentieth transformation that immigrants experience cannot
century were from "White" European countries, be overestimated. The readjustment to a new cul-
the most recent immigrant groups have come pri- ture requires a prolonged developmental process
marily from Asia, Africa, and Latin America. They of adjustment and affects families for generations.
are racially different (or, as more often defined, Its effects will differ, depending on the life cycle
"people of color"), are not assimilating according phase family members are in at the time of transi-
to the lineal progression assumed by the "melting tion, the causes for migration, the family's experi-
pot" ideology (Katz, 1993), and, through intermar- ences that lead to migration, and their experiences
riages, are creating the "new American face." in their new context.
People immigrate for many reasons: for work, To understand a family's experience of migra-
study, political and economic survival, or increased tion, we need to learn about the circumstances that
life options. Families may migrate to escape op- led them to migrate: Did the immigrant come
pression, famine, or life without a future. Although alone as a young adult seeking adventure, or are the
migration has become the norm for many people immigrants young children with their nuclear fam-
worldwide, it is still a stressful and long-lasting ily in search of better life? Was the immigrant part
transition and one that is not generally recognized of a mass exodus due to political or economic op-
by our society as a whole (Sluzki, 1992). Until repression? Sometimes, immigrants leave to escape
cently, it almost always meant a permanent loss a difficult social situation such as an oppressive
of one's homeland because of the expense and political system. Women may leave rigidly patriar-
difficulty of traveling back to the country of ori- chal societies; homosexuals may leave sexist or
gin. Indeed, immigration creates such long-rang- homophobic societies; people of color may escape
ing and profound family changes that it creates racist societies; and socially marginal individuals
an entire new life stage for all families that go may wish to escape oppressive classist societies.
through it. Finally, although some families view the act of
In the nineteenth century, the Irish celebrated migration as something final, burning bridges with
the emigration of community members with a life their country of origin, others experience migra-
cycle ritual that came to be known as the Ameri- tion as a temporary relocation, maintaining home
can Wake, indicating the seriousness of this tran- bases in two or more countries.
sition for family and community, especially since In addition to the individual, idiosyncratic cir-
poverty and distance generally made the separa- cumstances that led the family to migrate, we must
tion permanent. Like the wake for the dead, the be aware of the complex challenges that all immi-
American Wake involved public participation, al- grants face after migration. Although the style and
lowing the family and the community to grieve type of migration will affect the immigrant's abil-
over the loss. Attendance reaffirmed family and ity to accept a new social contract with the host so-
group ties. Such celebrations allowed the com- ciety, all who migrate must deal with the conflict
munity to rejoice ritualistically in a migrant's re- of cultural norms between the country of origin
birth to a new state, since emigration, like death, and the United States. This clash has a direct rela-
freed one forever from the stark hopelessness of tionship to identity issues. A person's evolving
poverty (Metress, 1990). Public involvement ac- cultural identity will depend on many factors: his
knowledged the altered relationships that emigra- or her facility with the new language; adaptation to
tion, like death, brought about. These were of theeconomic and political situation; flexibility in
concern not only to the individual, but also to the making new connections with work, friends, and
group as a whole. community institutions such as church, schools.
—
NIK, RATION AND THE LIFE CYCLE 171
government bureaucracies, and the health care sys- our personal experiences, MH as an immigrant and
tem; and the level and nature of the connection MM as a fourth generation American married to an
maintained with the country of origin. Some immi- immigrant.
grants may attempt to wall off the past, forcing
their children to speak onl) English and never talk- THE MIGRATION EXPERIENCE
ing about the country they left behind. Or they may
Migration forces a connection between two dis-
wall off the new culture. Ii\ ing and working in an
parate social realities: that of the culture of origin
ethnic enclave, never learning English or negotiat-
and that of the new context. It requires the recon-
ing the U.S. system. Others assume a pattern of bi-
struction of social netw orks and movement from
culturality. passing to the children their stories and
one socioeconomic and cultural system to another
traditions while embracing the ways of the new
(Rogler, Gurak, & Cooney, 1987; Mirkin, 1998;
culture.
Sluzki, 1998). These experiences are mediated by
If families attribute positive motives to their
gender, race, social class, and age (Rogler, 1994)
migration, they may evade or repress feelings of
and influence how a family copes with the natural
loss or longing for their homeland (Sluzki. 1979).
stresses that are present at every family life cycle.
If families attribute negative motivations to their
Understanding of these experiences facilitates
migrations, as when they have been forced by so-
better appreciation for the complex dynamics ini-
ciopolitical circumstances to flee their country,
tiated by migration.
they may remain in a state of permanent collective
remembrance, mourning, and involvement with the
CHANGES IN SOCIAL NETWORKS
dreaded circumstances which their compatriots
were unable to escape (Sluzki. 1979). When fami- While immigrants grieve specific losses of commu-
lies have buried the past —under pressure to ac- nity, friends, and personal networks, their experi-
commodate to the new environment and out of the ences of loss are often vague and pervasive because
pain of remembering what they have left behind what they miss is not only the particular lost friends
it may be important to help them break through the but also what Tichio ( 197 1 ) refers to as the "average
cultural cut-off and regain continuity with the cul- expectable environment." But their mourning is of-
ture of origin. This enriches their sense of continu- ten minimized or bypassed because of the need to
ous identity and broadens their potential for cope with the new environment. Immigrants must
dealing w ith the present. In this regard, it is essen- find ways to develop new networks to replace the
tial to keep a perspective on the entire course of the links they have lost, a lengthy and difficult process.
life cycle. For example, those who migrate in In the meantime, many interpersonal functions that
young adulthood may tend to disregard their cul- the old network accomplished may remain unful-
ture in order to be accepted within their new con- filled, and the resulting social isolation can heighten
text. However, as the young adult enters midlife. the stress of other changes. Couple relationships of-
adulthood may become more important to them ten become overloaded, as each spouse may need or
and inspire them to reconnect w ith their ethnic tra- expect the other to fulfill functions that were previ-
ditions. The migration experience affects and can ously met by a whole network of supports — parents,
alter a family's developmental progression and re- friends, siblings (Sluzki. 1998). In their old environ-
construct its structure and dynamics by forcibly ment, the couple was cushioned by many social sup-
separating close relatives, postponing marriages ports. In the new one, unmet needs tend to be
and creating other family disruptions (Inclan & interpreted as incompetence, betrayal, or abandon-
Hernandez. 1992). ment by the partner. As each partner turns to the
These observations and the clinical ap- other, a vicious cycle of strain may develop, since
proaches that w ill be presented in this chapter have the small context of one relationship cannot possi-
evolved from our work with immigrants and from bly meet all the partner's needs.
172 CHAPTER 10
Children and adolescents may lose a major erly members or young children — leaving the most
source of security: the peer group with whom they vulnerable families unsupported in caring for their
shared developmental landmarks and established vulnerable members.
reciprocal trust. They are often forced to start rela- The clinical consequences of these dynamics
tionships in new environments that are dangerous are many. Racism, ethnic prejudice, xenophobia,
and threatening. All this occurs while parents, oppression, humiliation, invalidation, stereotyping,
bound up in their own adaptive struggles or dif- and negative overt and covert messages about dif-
ficulties understanding their new context, are un- ferences undercut immigrants' self-esteem and eth-
derstandably less available as sources of support. nic identity (Arredondo, 1986). Anger, frustration,
Elderly family members, whose natural networks and fear associated with these humiliations and in-
have already shrunk by attrition, have even fewer equities instill even greater feelings of hopeless-
social opportunities for reconstructing the peer ness and isolation.
component of They become in-
their network.
creasingly dependent on other family members,
CHANGES IN CULTURE
who, overloaded as they are, may react negatively
to their increasing dependency. In summary, all Acculturation is a nonlinear process that includes
family members are more in need and at the same multiple possibilities of learning, negotiation, and
time less available to each other (Sluzki, 1992). accommodation to the beliefs and values of the
new culture. It is a process of learning (Inclan,
1985). The type and pace of the changes made de-
CHANGES IN SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS
pend on multiple factors such as socioeconomic
Migration tends to push immigrants into a new hier- status, availability of support networks, and inner
archy of power, privilege, and prestige. Even if their psychological resources. Acculturation takes place
gross earning potential improves, they often experi- over many generations and has both unconscious
ence initial downward mobility in relation to their and conscious dimensions (Ho, 1987). Accultura-
status in their culture of origin (Rogler, 1994). Both tion conflicts arise when the values, belief systems,
employment and family income have a direct im- and worldviews of the homeland and the United
pact on family structure, functioning, and develop- States are in open opposition. Unless these con-
ment. Unemployment of a former breadwinner may flicts can be resolved by accommodation and ne-
challenge the family's hierarchy and create tension gotiation within the family, they result in stress that
in the marriage or parental system. In addition, interferes with the performance of everyday tasks.
experiences of exploitation at the workplace or Family members may become disoriented if they
discrimination in the job search may provoke fail to fulfill the cultural roles they have grown
aggressive or hostile attitudes inside or outside the up to expect. Acculturation conflicts may develop
family (Mirkin, 1998). Difficulty or inability to ful- around changes in gender roles, intergenerational
fill the American Dream of upward mobility or even conflicts, differences in the pace of acculturation
to feel included in the society creates a sense of fail- of various family members, social isolation, or
ure, frustration, and isolation. changes in the permeability of family boundaries
Finally, it is essential to realize that current in the United States (Inclan & Heron, 1989). Fam-
anti-immigrant feelings and the consequent changes ilies' external boundaries often become rigid to
in global immigration laws and policies have re- preserve the cultural roles and patterns of their cul-
sulted in a decrease of entitlements and supportive ture of origin. This rigidity elicits intergenerational
services for immigrants. Although these changes conflicts when parents react to the rapid accultura-
affect all immigrant families, they affect most crit- tion of children, who are usually much more ex-
ically families with members who are unable to posed to the new language through school and
produce revenue and families with disabled or eld- especially through their peers. Gender conflicts
MIGRATION AND THE LIFE CYCLE 173
often arise from acculturation. Women tend to The following case, seen by Miguel Hernan-
acculturate faster than men (Hernandez, 1996). some of the complex dynamics expe-
dez, illustrates
Husbands become upset by their wives' ready rienced by young adults who are recent immigrants:
acceptance of their new gender roles and by the
consequent challenge to their patriarchal authority
Ernesto is a 22-year-old Puerto Rican man who
migrated to the United States to continue his edu-
(Espin, 1987). Conflict is often manifested in power
cation. Though his stated motivation was to be-
struggles, domestic violence, and other forms of
come a film maker, underlying developmental and
marital oppression of women. Out of guilt and
family issues affected his decision to leave his
confusion, immigrant women may try to resume country. Feeling that it was time to become more
old roles, isolate themselves from friends, and independent from his parents, he thought that leav-
work extra hard to please their husbands, masking ing Puerto Rico would finally prove to his parents
their discontent in psychiatric symptoms and other that he was an adult. An only child, he described
relational conflicts (Hernandez, 1996). Traditional his parents, who were both college professors, as
male roles are also challenged in the new cultural overinvolved in his college life, disapproving of
context. Many immigrant men feel socially power- his career choice, his average academic perfor-
less. Their new ethnic minority status, ethnic prej-

mance, and the women he dated. Against his par-
ents' wishes, he applied for a scholarship and made
udice, racism, social invisibility, and new gender
plans to relocate to New York City. His parents
politics invalidate and challenge their traditional
predicted that he would fail, arguing that he was
primary domain, the public sphere. Unfortunately,
immature and unprepared for such an experience.
they often manifest their conflicts in domestic vio-
In spite of their lack of support, Ernesto was able
lence, substance abuse, illegal activities, or psychi- to move to New York, with the help of extended
atric symptoms (Hernandez. 1996). family and friends.
Excited and hopeful about his adventure, Er-
nesto looked forward to having his own apartment,
LIFE CYCLE PHASE AT TIME OF MIGRATION a part-time job. an academic career, and freedom
from his intrusive parents. However, three months
Young Adults after migration, he was already doubting himself
People who migrate in the young adult phase may-

and his decision to migrate. He found language a
serious barrier, could not find meaningful peer re-
have the greatest potential for adapting to the new-
lationships, and missed his family and friends. He
culture in terms of career and relationship possibil-
called his friends in Puerto Rico often but could tell
ities. While all young adults must master the com- them only that everything was fine, ashamed of
plex tasks of defining their identity in relationship what he was experiencing as his new
failure in his
to their family of origin, developing intimate peer He was cut off from his parents, resenting
situation.
relationships, and establishing themselves in work, and blaming them for his misfortune. He was also
community, and social contexts, immigrants cop- stressed by financial problems but felt that asking
ing with this life transition are immersed in a par- for help would mean admitting failure. Feeling
allel process of differentiating themselves from trapped,overwhelmed by anger, sadness, and fear,
their families while separating from their country he became bitter and hostile. These feelings were
acted out in his relationships with his professors
of origin. They have the complex task of forming a
and classmates. Being White, blond, and blue-eyed
sense of coherent identity while having to establish
did not help Ernesto. On the contrary, the disso-
themselves in a new sociocultural context. They
nance between his physical appearance and the ste-
are perhaps the must vulnerable to cut-off from
reotypes in his new contexts about Puerto Ricans
their heritage, leaving themselves open to emo- made him feel more isolated and inadequate. Race
tional isolation at later phases of the life cycle, and class separated him from certain groups. Cul-
when the need for cultural support and identifica- ture, ethnicity, language, and migration history sep-
tion tends to increase (Gelfand & Kutzik. 1979). arated him from others. He began to experience
174 CHAPTER 10
racism, prejudice, and ethnic identity conflicts, commitment to success, his courage to leave home,
which made him more angry and confused. Four and his attempt to pursue his goals. Discussing the
months after arriving in New York and after failing importance of these values and traditions in his fam-
his first college semester. Ernesto came for therapy. ily of origin also gave a different meaning to his
He was depressed, confused and ambivalent about parents' overinvolvement in his academic life. Al-
returning to Puerto Rico. though Ernesto was able to develop empathy for his
My first move in helping Ernesto was to contex- parents and to connect his situation with their earlier
tualize his present situation within his migration lives, he wanted to be "well" before allowing them
experience. Using this framework, I began by ad- to become involved in his life again, by which he
dressing his reasons for migrating. Instead of fo- meant academically stable and better able to handle
cusing on his conflict with his parents, I explored the challenges of his new environment. Our sessions
with him the limited options he had in Puerto Rico focused on the transitions induced by his migration.
to become a film maker. Discussing the lack of ac- We explored the emotional impact of losing social
ademic film programs in Puerto Rico helped him to status and its meaning within his family history. By
recognize and validate his adult decision to emi- recognizing his new ethnic minority status, he was
grate. The next step was to discuss his family con- better able to deal with his experiences of racism,
flict. First we addressed his anger toward his prejudice, and marginality. Validating his anger and
parents and his struggles to be more independent, confusion seemed most important. I also encour-
contextualizing them as being within normal pro- aged him to redirect his anger and frustration toward
cesses of separation and individuation. A multi- social action by participating in activities such as
generational genogram revealed important family student political groups, which also helped to de-
themes connected to his present situation. crease his sense of isolation.
Ernesto's paternal grandfather was a self-edu- Another important aspect to Ernesto's treatment
cated orphan who many difficulties in

experienced related to his sense of identity and acculturation.
becoming a successful writer. He married an upper- While he was trying to define his identity as a young
middle-class women, a feminist leader, who was a adult, he was also continuously confronted with a
successful writer herself. They both valued educa- cultural environment that challenged the values,
tion and culture. Because of his painful past, his beliefs, and behaviors that he associated with this
grandfather also placed high value on family close- developmental process. Discussing the language
ness. Their only son. Ernesto's father, Luis, had barrier marked a significant turning point in Er-
also migrated to the United States to complete his nesto's treatment. He could not understand why he
graduate education. While Luis was away, his fa- was having so much difficulty when English had
ther died quite suddenly, and feeling unable to cope been a part of his previous education. I suggested
with the loss and responsible for his mother, Luis that the uprooting experience of the immigrant,
moved back to Puerto Rico. Thus, since there were which called for a normal process of mourning his
no academic programs in journalism in Puerto Rico, homeland, might not have left him enough cognitive
he had to give up his dream of becoming a news re- and psychological space to apply what he knew in
porter. Although he became a successful history this unfamiliar setting. Through reminder of his
professor, he regretted that his dream was thwarted. mourning process. I was able to facilitate his recog-
Ernesto's mother Ana had also attempted to mi- nition of how much he missed his parents. I encour-
grate for her education, but she too returned, in her aged him to share with them some of the new things
case because she missed her family and had trouble he was doing and some of the details of his life as
adapting to the new country. Listening to these sto- a recent immigrant. Indeed, their discussions about
ries, I highlighted the positive aspects of Ernesto's migration began a healing process between them.
family traditions rather than focusing on unre-
solved family conflicts and myths. We discussed
how his family's values and traditions about educa- The New Couple
tion, literature, work, familism. and self-determina-
tion were important forces in his life. These values New immigrant couples are confronted with the
had influenced his career and personal choices, his challenges of their migration-related transforma-
tions as they negotiate differences in world view, and in ill health and he hoped to bring them to the
beliefs, religion, class, and cultural background. United States once he was established here.
Edgar met Elsa at work. At the time, he was liv-
Often, the level of adaptation varies between the
ing in a small rented room. He was socially isolated
partners and causes serious conflicts. The lack of
and held two jobs that helped him to support his
social supports forces partners to become more de-
parents. The couple became good friends shortly
pendent on each other, a situation that fosters iso-
after they met. They shared their ambivalent feel-
lation and overwhelms each of the partners. Racial
ings about migration, their difficulties with accul-
and ethnic prejudice can seriously compound a turation, and their loneliness. These similarities and
couple's conflict. Partners may not have the neces- their empathy toward each other led to courtship.
sary skills to protect their self-perceptions and deal They began to plan their future together, saved any
with such depersonalizing experiences. Loss of money they could, and began to make the necessary
social status, financial difficulties, and social, po- arrangements to obtain legal residence status for
litical, and economic marginality become long- Edgar. Almost immediately after the wedding.
standing strains on a couple's relationship, greatly Edgar lost his job, and because of his undocu-
mented status, his job search became a long and
compounding its complexity and leaving them in
painful process. Finally, he got work as a handy-
great confusion. Many couples describe this pro-
man in his building, though this job was unreliable
cess as one of constant internal and external crisis,
and did not pay enough to cover their bills. Elsa
which at times creates feelings of overwhelming
took a second job, working up to twelve hours a
chaos that can destroy self-esteem, mastery and re-
day. Though Edgar felt guilty for not being a better
lationship harmony. provider for his wife and parents. Elsa did not mind
the long hours. At her evening job, Elsa met new
Edgar (age 28) and Elsa (age 21), sought marital friends, with whom she began to socialize in her
therapy at our agency (MH) after four years of spare time on weekends. Through these friends.
marriage. Elsa. the oldest of two siblings, migrated Elsa learned about a program that offered recent
from Mexico after her mother married a man of immigrants job training and helped them to earn
whom she disapproved. Her father, who was living their high school equivalency diploma. She wanted
in California with his second wife and children, to attend the program and began to pressure Edgar
got her a permanent visa and facilitated her com- to get a steadier job. She resented that the little
ing to live with his sister in New York City. Al- money he made went to his parents and to the legal
though Elsa would have preferred to live with her expenses for his visa. In private moments, she won-
father, she agreed to stay with her aunt, who had dered whether Edgar was taking advantage of her.
promised her a secure job in a leather factory. She as her aunt had done. Edgar felt lonely and aban-
also planned to get her high school diploma and doned by his wife, jealous of her friends and her
become a secretary while in the United States, but time away. Tension grew between the spouses,
adjusting to her new life was not easy. Her aunt's though they felt some relief when Edgar found a
apartment was small and overcrowded. Elsa had better-paying job in a restaurant kitchen, which
no privacy and felt uncomfortable sharing a bed- allowed Elsa to quit her evening job and attend
room with a male cousin two years younger than school. She was an excellent student: within a year,
she. She could not attend night school because she she received her high school diploma and began
had to take care of her cousins while her aunt a computer training program. Through this, she
worked and to contribute to household expenses, found a better part-time job. which allowed her to
which left her feeling exploited. leave the factory. Meanwhile, Edgar, who hated his
Edgar had migrated illegally from El Salvador job. his abusive boss, and the long hours, became
two years before Elsa. The youngest of three sib- depressed and began to drink heavily. Tension
lings, he came to New York to attain a better life. between the couple mounted, and they grew apart.
His older brother has been killed in the war, and his Edgar felt that Elsa had become too Americanized
middle brother had migrated to Mexico and not and snobbish. Though he had initially fallen in love
been heard from since. Edgar's parents were poor with her determination, he now resented her inter-
176 CHAPTER 10
est in becoming a professional and her neglect of amputation because of chronic diabetes. His mother,
the marriage. Until now. they had managed to ig- unable to recuperate from the loss of her favorite
nore their cultural and class differences, but these son, became depressed and dysfunctional. Con-
now became a common source of arguments. Elsa cerned about the parents' rapid deterioration, the
felt confused, depressed, angry, and disappointed middle brother migrated to Mexico as a seasonal
in Edgar's lack of ambition for his future. The farmer, but. not hearing from him. the family sus-
threat of separation brought them to therapy. pected that he had died. Edgar was 12 at the time.
During my (MH) first session, the couple reported He left school and became his family's primary pro-
that they both wanted to save their marriage. Despite vider. Emotionally isolated from friends and com-
their severe conflicts, it became clear as we talked munity, the parents became increasingly dependent
that they had become soulmates in the difficult on their youngest son. From this time on. Edgar de-
process of adapting to their new context. Clearly. voted his life to his parents, becoming a good pro-
Edgar's undocumented status and their different life vider and unconditional caretaker. He did not have
histories put them in different places in their migra- many friends and went through adolescence per-
tion transition process. Within this framework. I forming the responsibilities of an adult. At age 18,
invited them to explore the ways in which their mi- he lost his job because of the deteriorating eco-
gration experiences had brought them together and nomic situation of the country and felt forced to mi-
had contributed to their current individual and mari- grate. He was devastated about leaving his parents
tal struggles, including gender, class, and migration behind but believed that he had no choice. Once in
transitions. New York, he remained very focused on helping his

As they discussed their migration history. Edgar parents and worked extremely hard, writing to his
was surprised to learn that one of Elsa's reason for parents constantly but keeping to himself all the
migration was the fact that her stepfather had de- hardships inherent in being an illegal immigrant. To
manded sexual favors in return for his support of survive emotionally, he learned to conceal his needs
her impoverished mother and siblings. When Elsa and emotions from others. Both his survival and his
told her mother of his sexual advances, the mother family's survival became important factors for un-
did not believe her. saying that Elsa wanted to pre- derstanding his migration process and his adaptive
vent the mother's remarriage out of loyalty to her responses to his new environment.
father. Scared. Elsa had contacted her father and Edgar and Elsa were surprised by how little they
asked to live with him. She felt rejected when he knew about each other's past. Learning about each
sent her to his sister. In her mind, her father's actions other's family background and premigration expe-
confirmed her mother's complaints that he did not riences provided a context for better understand-
care for her and that he had married Elsa's mother ing their relationship. They gained compassion for
only because of her higher social status. He had each other as they became aware of the past trau-
originally worked for the maternal grandfather and mas and emotions that had been repressed so that
began to have an affair with Elsa's mother, who be- they could deal with their migration transitions.
came pregnant. The couple were forced into mar- The need to cope and survive made sense out of
riage, the mother lost her right to any financial their silence about their past. Therapy helped them
support from her wealthy family, and they were to appreciate their complementarity and positive
sent to a different state in Mexico, where they lived connections. Elsa's self-determination was a stim-
until he abandoned the family and moved to Cali- ulus for Edgar to move forward in life. Edgar's
fornia. Elsa was raised with dissonant class values. unconditional caretaking and emotional support
Becoming "someone" and reclaiming her mother's helped her to achieve her goals. Within this frame-
social status was an important hidden theme in her work, I introduced the theme of acculturation. I
life. She had wished to protect her mother from guided them to explore how the lack of supportive
loneliness and social criticism. networks and changes in their socioeconomic sta-
Edgar's story revealed a family tragedy common tus brought on by migration contributed to their
among Central American families. His family trag- marital conflicts.
ically deteriorated after his oldest brother died in We explored the limitations that Edgar's legal
the war, shortly after the father had required a leg status placed on them. It meant that he had no job
security or everyday basic services such as a bank because he was a bad provider, which made him
account, a lease, telephone service, gas and elec- feel less of a man. Confronting him with the under-
tricity, legal facilities to send money to his parents, lying power issues of his gender belief and dis-
or access to social or educational services, such as cussing gender politics helped him to explore his
Elsa attended. Edgar was experiencing an emo- oppressive attitudes and behaviors toward women.
tional situation common to those who experience This discussion also clarified for Elsa some of the
undocumented migration: social marginality, a sense confusion she experienced about the contradictor)'
of being illegal and invalid, and the need to conceal messages she received from her family of origin
his ethnic identity to prevent deportation. These and culture about gender roles. Overtly, her culture
feelings create a constant and overwhelming sense and family espoused traditional gender roles as the
of tension, which inevitably affects a person's over- way to achieve happiness in marital life. However,
all psychosocial functioning. In Edgar's case, his these messages were contradicted by her family
job performance, ability to establish social relation- and personal history. In her family, men took advan-
ships, and response to crises were all negatively af- tage of women. Her mother's life was controlled by
fected. Validating his feelings and contextualizing her grandfather, father, and stepfather, and Elsa had
them in relation to his migration helped to relieve decided at a young age that she did not want to end
his sense of guilt and inadequacy. We also ad- up like her mother. Instead, she wanted a career, a
dressed race and its impact on how he was per- supportive husband, and the freedom to make her
ceived within U.S. society. This discussion helped own decisions. Thus, she experienced Edgar's lack
him and Elsa to see the contrast in their experiences of solidarity as controlling and abusive, which ex-
of prejudice. Given Edgar's dark skin and strong acerbated her mistrust of men and her unresolved
Indian features, he was more visible as racially dif- family issues. Deconstructing their beliefs, gender
ferent and consequently a target for social rejection politics, and myths provided a broader context to
and prejudice. We were also able to contextualize understand their feelings of inadequacy. At this
Elsa's better opportunities to navigate socially, given point, therapy with Edgar and Elsa became a pro-
her white skin and Anglo features, which helped cess of weaving all these complex events and pro-
her to "pass" and be less visually threatening cesses together. Their goal became one of "re-
within a predominantly White society. In addi- storying" their history as an immigrant couple in
tion, she had had access to a good education while cultural transition.
growing up, along with English and values that
were closer to mainstream American standards.
She also had legal access to jobs, education, and all Families with Children
the institutions of U.S. society. These opportuni-
Families that migrate with children are perhaps
ties facilitated the establishment of new supportive
relationships and a sense of belonging that Edgar strengthened by having each other, but accultura-
could not share. Through her social network. Elsa tion processes can threaten the family's structural
was able to buffer some of the stressors of migra- composition by reversing hierarchies and family
tion and acculturation. In addition, her self-deter- roles. If the family migrates with small children,
mination and goal-oriented behavior facilitated her there is a likelihood that the parents will accultur-
integration into U.S. society. We discussed the im- ate more slowly than their children, creating a
pact of the couple's differing pace of acculturation
problematic power reversal in the family (Lappin
on the power structure of their relationship. Elsa's
& Scott, 1982). Immigrant children are frequently
focus on her career and her success in school and in
caught in a conflict between their parents' cultural
her new job challenged Edgar's traditional gender
values and peer pressure to assimilate, which may-
role definitions and expectations of Elsa as a wife.
He provoke disconnection from their ethnic roots
felt that Elsa had become opinionated, disre-
spectful, and disengaged from the home and feared (Landau, 1982). The family's inability to make
what his parents would say if they knew his wile overt their mourning and pain and the normal
went to parties by herself and had lunch with male avoidance to make explicit the cultural conflict in-
friends. He thought that Elsa was pursuing a career advertently fosters the assimilation of youngsters.
178 CHAPTER 10
In addition, as children of immigrants move outside attitudes toward the new culture. They tend to be-
the family, to school and community, they often come the defenders of traditional values and pre-
move away not only from the parents themselves servers of the family's ethnic identity. They may
but also from the parents' culture toward the new criticize parents for being too lenient with children
culture. This may separate children from parents or may even interfere with their discipline.
dramatically more than is normative at this stage. Families that migrate when their children are
Through school, children are more exposed to the adolescents may have more difficulty because they
new language and to formal education about the will have less time together as a unit in the new cul-
history and dominant values of the new country. ture before the children move out on their own.
They tend to have more flexible strategies for cop- During adolesce'" \ teenagers become more in-
ing with the massive changes required by migration volved with thei more rebellious
^er culture,
and may become their parents' culture brokers, about parental authority, and more demanding of
helping them to negotiate their new world. their freedom. Ethnic identity conflicts become a
If the children must take on the task of inter- source of family differences as teenagers begin to
preting the new culture for the parents, parental construct and reshape their own identities and
leadership may be so threatened that children are question the values and role expectations of both
left without effective authority to support them and cultures. If these teenagers have migrated to cos-
without a positive identification with their ethnic mopolitan cities, the acculturation process ac-
background to ease their struggle with life in this quires an added multicultural dimension. They are
new culture (McGoldrick & Giordano, 1996). In acculturating not just to American culture, but to a
addition, the need to fit new context tends
into their multicultural context. Whereas the exposure to
to foster the acceptance of the new and rejection of cultural diversity may facilitate the acquisition of
the old, and to promote children's shame about more flexible sociocultural roles and world views,
their cultural heritage. Parents, on the other hand, it can also add to the confusion and contradictions
tend to feel that by rejecting their culture of origin, of teenagers' ongoing acculturation process. Dur-
They experience
their children are rejecting them. ing this time, parents and teenagers usually experi-
move-
a lack of control over their children's rapid ence serious intergenerational conflicts, which
ment towards assimilation, which leaves them reflect the larger contradictions in cultural systems
feeling helpless. The family must struggle with that clash in migration. A common issue is the
multiple transitions and generational conflicts at pressure that teenagers put on their parents to be-
once. In addition, the distance from the grandpar- long, which may include having material goods
ents' generation may be particularly distressing as that show assimilation or social status. Adoles-
grandparents become ill or dependent or die. The cents may demand expensive items or money for
parents may experience severe stress in not being entertainment — the material indicators of belong-
able to fulfill their obligations to their parents in ing within their new context. Parents may feel
the country of origin. It is not uncommon for ado- pressured to provide for teenagers, which may
lescents to develop symptoms in reaction to their overload an already burned-out system. In addi-
parents* unexpressed distress. Because of the so- tion, teenagers will confront their parents with
cial isolation immigrant families tend to experi- their contradictions about their acculturation pro-
ence, they often feel lost without the support and cess, accusing the parents of operating from the
guidance from grandparents and extended family. old culture's values and of not adjusting to their
Yet when grandparents are in contact with the fam- new context as expected. The following case seen
ily, they may actually increase the stress for par- by MH shows some of these dynamics.
ents, who may feel caught up in the middle of
serious intergenerational and cross-cultural con- Daniel (age 40) and Rita (age 35). a couple born in
flicts. Grandparents may be more rigid in their Chile, requested family therapy because they were
having constant arguments with their oldest son ception of the emotional cost of this plan, and by
Mauro (age 14). They complained about Mauro's the time he arrived in the United States, he was al-
poor school performance, disapproved of his friends, most dead from the trauma of traveling hidden in a
and were angry that he refused to work in their small storage room w ithout ventilation. His dreams
flower shop so that he could spend more time with for his wife and child were what saved him. When
his friends. Father and son were not talking to each he recovered, he began to work and save obses-
other, and Rita said that she was tired of being in sively to bring his family to the United States. By
the middle but feared the potential for violence the time the family was reunited two years later,
between father and son Daniel accused his son of Daniel had begun his flower business and had
being irresponsible, was disgusted about the way bought a small house, but the toll on him was tre-
he dressed and his overall physical appearance, mendous. He suffered from insomnia and flash-
and resented Maura's preference for speaking backs of his traumatic migration. It took a while for
English and his "Americanization," saying that him to work things out with Rita, who experienced
he was a bad role model for his younger brother him as distant and preoccupied with money until
Emilio (age 7). she learned that it was only his obsessive dreams of
Mauro accused his parents of being old fash- providing a better future for Mauro that had saved
ioned. He described his mother as overbearing and him from insanity in his years of deprivation and
his father as distant. He hated his parents' "obses- isolation.
sion" with the flower business and accused his par- Helping the family involved unveiling the conse-
ents of resisting learning about American culture quences of trauma in their lives. I (MH) tried to
and being anchored in old Chilean values. He re- normalize their conflicts by stressing that each fam-
sented his father's attitude toward him and his ily member had been taken in by the globalized
mother, describing him as an authoritarian father propaganda of the American Dream. Daniel, who
and husband who used his family for labor and for in Chile had been politically minded and liberal,
satisfying his own greed. The problem began connected easily with this refraining. Rita and
shortly after Mauro started junior high school. Un- Mauro were curious about my invitation to recon-
til then, he had attended a local Catholic school struct their family history from the point at which
very near the flower shop, where 80 percent of the Daniel decided to migrate. The first move was to
students were Latino immigrant children. The par- ask Daniel and Rita about the sociopolitical and
ents had taken him to school and picked him up ev- economic context of Chile at the time of their mar-
ery day. taking him to the flower shop, where he riage. Stories about the political turmoil and even-
could help out and get help w ith his homework. Ev- tual military occupancy and their participation in
ery night, the family drove home together, where students' movements against the oppressive regime
they ate and spent the evening together. They so- of Pinochet redirected them toward painful and
cialized with other Chilean families, who shared unspoken life themes. Mauro was fascinated as he
their concern about protecting their children from listened to his parents" stories of their political
the dangers of the larger culture. commitment. In spite of their opposition to the gov-
But for junior high school. Mauro had to take ernment, they were forced to surrender their ideals
a bus out of the neighborhood and go to public to survive in a changing economy, controlled by the
school, where most of the children w ere neither im- new dictatorship regime. Eventually, they had to
migrants nor Latino. He liked the freedom of his work for the government, a painful decision They
new school, not having to wear a uniform, and not had resented the U.S. involvement in Chile, and
having to go to Mass. His parents reacted to his both had strong anti-American feelings. As the
change in clothing and refusal to speak Spanish at couple spoke about their early relationship and
home. As we explored the family's migration his- their strong desire for a baby. Mauro began to reex-
tory. I learned that at the time of Rita's pregnancy perience closeness to his parents. The American
with Mauro back in Chile, the county's economy history the parents had learned in school supported
hit a disastrous low. and Daniel, in desperation, the fantasy of New York City as a fast city with
developed a plan to come to the United States il- multiple possibilities, the most welcoming place in
legally on a merchant marine ship. He had no con- America, where all their dreams could come true.
180 CHAPTER 10
Daniel never heard about the prejudice, racism, and learned about each other and their history so that
xenophobia of the United States, the high cost of they could see how their normal family develop-
living, or the difficulties of being an undocumented ment was affected by their migration and accultur-
immigrant. ation process.
When Daniel had spoken of his immigration
Coaching the younger generation to show re-
before, he had told it as a heroic tale. This time, I
spect for the values of the older generation is usu-

helped him to describe the trauma of it, and his wife
and sons listened carefully, hearing the emotional ally the first step in negotiating conflicts due to
force of the experience for the first time. Rita was acculturation. Families that migrate at this phase
surprised to learn details of the journey she had not may also have problems down the road, particu-
known, including the exorbitant cost. Mauro was larly at the launching phase, when children may
able to see his father as a human being, not the dis- feel guilty about leaving parents who do not feel at
tant, obsessed businessman who was always in home in the culture.
control. He heard for the first time about his fa-
When families migrate in the launching phase,
ther's pain at not being in Chile when Mauro was
it is often less because they seek a better way of
bom and about his impulsive decision to leave ev-
life and more because circumstances in their
erything behind in hopes of a better future. Daniel
was able to share his overwhelming feelings of
country of origin make remaining there impossi-
guilt toward Rita and Mauro for abandoning ble. Migration in this phase causes particular dif-
them. Emphasizing his courage and good intentions ficulties because much harder for the middle
it is
helped them to see his accommodations in a differ- generation to break into new work and friendship
ent light. networks at this age. The launching phase may be
Mauro was given the opportunity to confront his made more complex when children date or marry
parents with his feelings of responsibility for his spouses in the United States from other back-
father's misfortune. Deconstructing the meaning grounds. This is naturally perceived as a threat by
of Americanization facilitated the processing of
parents, since it means a loss of the cultural heri-
Daniel's and Rita's ambivalence about being im-
tage in the next generation. One cannot under-
migrants in the United States. For both of them,
estimate the stress it creates for parents, who
Americanization meant renouncing their traditions
themselves have had to give up their country of or-
and history and losing their ethnic identity. "With-
out it," Daniel told Mauro, "You won't have a
igin, to fear the loss of their traditions when their
frame of reference to understand and explain your- children intermarry.
self." Rita added, "Renouncing who you are is not

going to erase who you are, our history is your his-
Families in Later Life
tory." Implicitly, both parents feared that without a
strong sense of ethnic identity, Mauro would end Migration in later life is especially difficult be-
up excluded and marginal, trapped in the politics of cause families are leaving so much of themselves
the disadvantaged. But they did not have an alterna- and their lives behind. Older immigrants tend to
tive model for him. Their own strategy was to pro- have a much slower pace of acculturation and a
tect themselves from assimilation by renouncing harder time learning and negotiating new situa-
anything defined as American, which perpetuated tions. The general stresses of retirement, widow-
their own marginality and exclusion. For Mauro,
hood, and grandparenthood; fears of dependency;
Americanization meant modernism, belonging, and
and difficulties accepting and coping with physical
moving forward in life. I introduced a different
and mental decline, which always require family
model of coping with acculturation by having
support, adjustment, reorientation, and readjust-
positive connections to both cultural systems, rec-
ognizing the contradictions between them. This ment, now demand even more effort because of the
discussion helped to depolarize the family's ideas additional stresses of migration. Immigrants' inner
about their cultural differences. By the end of ther- and external resources are often depleted from
apy, we integrated the new information they had having to cope with the massive changes of cul-
rural transition. In addition, the family's way of other communities, while they, initially having no-
dealing with these issues will depend on the cul- where to go and having lost all their possessions,
tural values they attach to old age. For example, in

went to a shelter until they decided to relocate at
least temporarily with Maria and Antonio. They

traditional Latino culture, aging is associated with
were emotionally devastated. Sara was depressed
wisdom, respect, and power. It is taken for granted
and scared about all their losses. Juan was angry at
that adult children should now return all the care
the government for not providing better financial
and support parents earlier provided them. Elder
support, felt guilty that he had not had an insurance
family members may thus either become providers policy, and worried about their financial status.
of positive support and guidance as experts on life. Both of them feared becoming a burden to their
or the family may develop serious intergenera- daughter and living in a place where they had no
tional structural conflicts. Elders in immigrant friends and did not speak the language. They also
families may thus serve younger family members feared dying far from their country. Maria. Anto-
as a bridge to the original cultural patterns, but at nio, and Tony, on the other hand, were initially very
times, they may intensify intergenerational con- happy to have them. They had tried to persuade
Sara and Juan to come earlier and w ere now glad
flicts with their children and grandchildren be-
to have them around. They rearranged the house
cause of their difficulty adapting to the new cul-
to give them comfort and privacy and Tony was
tural values.
moved to the basement.
There is evidence that even those who migrate But problems emerged almost immediately. Sara
at a young age have a strong need to reclaim their
and Juan were used to the freedom of walking
ethnic roots at this phase, particularly because they around and busying themselves with their own
are losing other supports around them (Gelfand & projects, but here they were isolated and felt
Kutzik. 1979). For those who have not mastered trapped in the house in a White, upper-middle class
English, life can be extremely isolating in late life. suburb where they knew no one. They missed their
The need to depend on others may be particularly small community. Public transportation was inac-
frustrating when one is in a nursing home where cessible, and the only local church activities were
bingo and celebrations to which they could not re-
one cannot communicate easily. The following
late. who had loved spending time with his
Tony,
case illustrates some of the complex challenges
grandparents, now began to resent what he per-
that elderly recent immigrants face.
ceived as intrusiveness and constant nagging about
Maria (age 46) decided to bring her parents to live his behavior. Maria felt uneasy that her mother took
with her after a hurricane in their native Puerto over the housekeeping but said nothing for fear of
Rico destroyed their house and community. Her offending her parents. Sara and Juan disapproved
father. Juan (age 12). a retired construction worker, of Maria's social independence and the lack of time
was active in his community and enjoyed working Maria, Antonio, and Tony spent together as a fam-
as a volunteer for a vocational school. Sara (age ily. Tension mounted, and Juan and Sara began to
69) was involved in her church and in charity work explore how to return to Puerto Rico, but their plans
for poor children. They had an active social life were interrupted when Sara fell on the ice and
through a local senior center and made yearly vis- broke her hip. This increased tension even further,
its to Maria, their only child, her second-genera- as Juan felt more dependent on Maria, even to talk
tion Italian husband Antonio, and their son Tony to his wife's doctors. He felt that Maria was inten-
(age 15). to whom Juan and Sara were very at- tionally speaking English to exclude him w hen she
tached. Juan had also a special relationship with was with her family. Sara felt even more depressed
Antonio, who. with his broken Spanish, enjoyed and miserable and stayed in her room to avoid fur-
playing dominoes and helping to fix things around ther conflicts. This was the situation that precipi-
the house w ith his father-in-law. tated their seeking therapy.
Things changed drastically for Juan and Sara af- Therapy with this family was facilitated by work-
ter the hurricane. Many of their friends were forced ing with its subsystems. I (MHi began with Maria
to relocate with their children or extended family in and Antonio, helping Maria to work through her
182 CHAPTER 10
guilt for being unable to fulfill what she understood tion. Soon they were ready to invite Sara and Juan
as her obligation as a daughter: to care for her par- for a session, but they refused because they thought
ents in their old age. We addressed her unresolved that discussing family business with a stranger was
feelings about having left her parents alone in Pu- wrong. They come in for one con-
finally agreed to
erto Rico twenty-three years earlier. She also felt sultation to please Maria. They were easily en-
responsible for making her parents unhappy by gaged and ready to talk about their migration-
pressing them to come to New York, not respecting related conflicts. Juan missed his previous life in
their desire to stay in Puerto Rico. She felt unsure Puerto Rico and saw no possibilities for him in
whether her parents' criticism of her parenting New York, but said that he liked being closer to
skills was justified. We then discussed her own is- Maria, Tony, and Antonio. Sara agreed with Juan
sues of acculturation and distress about her process but was even firmer than he in her resolve to return
of cultural transition. Two major interventions fa- to Puerto Rico. She felt she was aging faster since
cilitated the processing of Maria's guilt and feel- she relocated to New York. She felt useless and
ings of distress. First, I helped Maria to reconnect bored, since she had no activities to engage in.
her own migration history and transitions and However, they both agreed to stay until Sara was
those the family was currently experiencing, which fully recovered and they could arrange housing in
helped her to use her own experience as a point of Puerto Rico. During the session, I used a metaphor
reference for understanding some of her parents' commonly used by immigrants, which describes
difficulties in their adaptive process. Second, Anto- the process of migration as a rebirth experience. I
nio and Maria were encouraged to explore ways attempted to establish some similarities between
to make room in their family for the wisdom and migration-induced transitions and the process of
experience Sara and Juan brought to their family. redefining life during later life. The couple engaged
This was made easier because of Antonio's own in this discussion and agreed to explore other ways
positive experience coping with his aging parents. to improve their coping with the multileveled pro-
An only son with two sisters, Antonio had had to cesses they were experiencing: adjustment to later
facilitate a similar process for his mother when she life, adjustment to a new environment and culture,
went to five with his sister after their father died. and adjustment to a new family system. They
At the time, his younger sister, who had suggested agreed to meet for two more sessions, during which
that their mother move in with her family, began to we discussed strategies to facilitate their integra-
experience conflicts with her husband and children tion into the community. For example, it was not
due to Antonio's mother's intrusiveness in their difficult to engage them in learning how to travel to
family life. Antonio, who had always been his the city, where we found bilingual supportive ser-
mother's confidant, was aware of how his mother vices, which they enjoyed. Sara even agreed to take
disapproved of his sister's Americanized life-style. an English course, and Juan agreed to participate in
From his sister and his brother-in-law, he heard a volunteer program working with foster care chil-
how his mother tried to impose her more tradi- dren. After these sessions, the whole family met to-
tional values about parenting on them. The resolu- gether. Sara and Juan negotiated how to support
tion of their conflict was facilitated by Antonio's Maria and Antonio's parental roles without being
direct involvement in taking his mother out to intrusive or critical. Boundary issues, collaborative
mother-son activities and by having her with him. roles, and communication rules were discussed and
Maria, and Tony for weekends and other social agreed upon. Maria and Antonio agreed to support
activities. Juan and Sara in learning how be more indepen-
Drawing on Antonio's positive experience, we dent, that is, learning how to travel. For his part,
began to explore how they could address issues Tony agreed to be more sensitive to and respectful
about family boundaries and support Sara and Juan of his grandparents' values and was helped to ap-
in their difficult process of adapting to a difficult preciate the value of their wisdom. After ten ses-
situation without underfunctioning or overfunc- sions, the family was doing better and agreed to
tioning for them. It became clearer that they needed continue the work by themselves. A follow-up ses-
to better redefine and negotiate boundaries, family sion revealed that Juan and Sara had decided to stay
roles, and tasks to develop more open communica- longer but had moved into their own apartment and
M IC. RATH )N AND THE LIFE CYCLE 183
were active!) involved in a senior citizen center in a new living context. We believe that is important
New York Cit\ tor recent immigrants. for therapists working with recent immigrants to
educate themselves about the complex phenomena

of international migration. Anthropological curi-
CONCLUDING KK\1 \RKS
osity, knowledge of politics, and sensitivity to
Contextualizing famil\ problems w ithin the evolu- culture, race, and ethnicity facilitate the work.
tionary process of the migratioD experience can be Learning how to locate problems w ithin the larger
a powerful tool in therapy. Normalizing families' sociocultural. economic, and political context is
experiences can help to heal their emotional and indispensable for working with immigrant fami-
relational conflicts. We have both repeatedly expe- lies. Feeling comfortable in sharing experiences
rienced the impact of migration and cultural tran- and challenging view s and belief systems provides
sition on our lives as we move through the life the therapist with important intervention tools. Ex-
cycle — Miguel as an immigrant himself and Mon- changing points of view with the family can result
ica as a fourth-generation American married to a in a very empowering experience for both the ther-
man who immigrated from Greece at age 19. Un- apist and the family. Encouraging social action
derstanding the larger forces that affect the life of will reduce marginality and will facilitate social
immigrants helps us to manage the obstacles we and political participation, which strengthens inte-
face in trying to adapt and integrate ourselves into gration within the new sociocultural context.
REFERENCES
Arredondo. P. < 1986. Mas i. Immigration as a historical Inclan. J. ( 1 985). Variations in value orientation in mental
moment leading to an identity crisis. Journal of health work with Puerto Ricans. Psychotherap 2 2
Counseling and Human Sen ice Professions, 78—82. 324-334.
Espin. O. (1987). Psychological impact of migration on Inclan J., & Hernandez. M. (1992). Cross-cultural per-
Latinas: Implication for psychotherapeutic practice. spectives and codependence: The case of poor His-
Psychology of Women Quarterly. 2, 489-503. panics. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. 62' 2 ).
Fix. M.. & Passel. J. S. i 1 994 >. Immigration and immi- 245-255.
grants: Setting the record straight Washington. DC: Inclan. J.. & Heron. G. (1989). Ecologically-oriented
The Urban Institute. therapy with Puerto Rican adolescents and their
Gelfand. D. E.. & Kutzik. A J. (Eds.). 1 1979). Ethnicity families. In J. T. Gibbs & L. N. Hung (Eds.). Psy-
and aging. New York: Springer. chological treatment of minority children and ado-
Hernandez. M. 19%). Central .American
1 families. In M. lescents (pp. 251-277). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
McGoldrick, J. Giordano. & J. K. Pearce (Eds.). Katz, M. B. (1993). 77^ underclass debate. Princeton.
Ethnicity and family therapy (pp. 214-224). New NFPrinceton University Pre-v
York: The Guilford Press Labowitz. P. (1996. March 25). Immigration — Just the
Hinojosa. R.. & Schey. P. 1 1995i. The faulty logic of the facts. Nw York Times. Op-Ed page.
anti-immigration rhetoric. \ACLA Report on the Landau. J. (1982). Therapy ss ith families in cultural tran-
Americas, 29(3). 18-23. sition. InM. McGoldrick. J. K. Pearce. & J. Gior-
Ho. M. K. (1987). Family therapy with ethnic minorities dano (Eds.). Ethnicity and family therapy (pp. 352-
(pp. 123-177). Beverly Hills. CA: Sage. 372). New York: The Guilford Press.
Holmes. S. 1 1995. August 30). A surge in immigration Lappin. J.. & Scon. S. (1982). Intervention with a Viet-
surprises experts and intensifies a debate. New York namese refugee M. McGoldrick. J. K.
family. In
Times, p. Al. Pearce. & J. Giordano (Eds.). Ethnicity and family
Immigrants* Rights Sub-team of Combating Racism therapy (pp. 483-491). New York: The Guilford
Task Force. (1996). Immigrant bashing: Get the Press.
facts. NOW-Ness Jersey State Conference. October McGoldrick, M.. & Giordano. J. (1996). Overview:
26. 1996. Ethnicity and family therapy. In M. McGoldrick.
184 CHAPTER 10
J. K. Pearce, & J. Giordano (Eds.), Ethnicity-and and behavior: Research agenda for Hispanics (pp.
family therapy (pp. 1-27). New York: The Guil- 72-84). Chicago: University of Illinois.
ford Press. Sluzki, C. E. (1979). Migration and family conflict. Fam-

Metress E. (1990). The American wake of Ireland: Sym- ily Process, 18, 379-390.
Omega, 27(2), 147-153.
bolic death ritual. Sluzki, C. E. (1992). Disruption and reconstruction of
Mirkin, M. P. The impact of multiple contexts
(1998). networks following migration relocation. Family
on recent immigrant families. In M. M. McGold- Systems Medicine, 70(4), 359-365.
rick (Ed.). Revisioning family therapy: Race, cul- Sluzki, C. E. (1998). Migration and the disruption of the
ture and gender in clinical practice. New York: social network. In M. M. McGoldrick (Ed.). Revi-
The Guilford Press. sioningfamily therapy: Race, culture, and gender in

Ocasio, L. (1995). The year of the immigrant as scape- clinical practice. New York: The Guilford Press.
goat. NACLA Report on the Americas, 29(3), 14—17. Tichio, G. (1971). Cultural aspects of transference and
Rogler, L. H. (1994). International migrations: A frame- counter-transference. Bulletin of The Menninger
work for directing research. American Psychologist, Clinic, 35, 313-334.
49(8), 701-707. Vernez, G., & McCarthy, K. ( 1995). The fiscal cost of im-
Rogler, R. S., Gurack, D. T., & Cooney, R. S. (1987). migration: Analytical and policy issues. Paper pre-
The migration experience and mental health: For- pared for the Irvine Foundation by the Center for
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grants. In M. Gavira & J. D. Arana (Eds.), Health ration, February.
1
Chapter 1
DEATH AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE

MONICA McGOLDRICK
FROMA WALSH
There is no love without loss. And there is no moving beyond loss without
some experience ofmourning. To he unable to mourn is to be unable to en-
ter into the great human life cycle of death and rebirth to be unable, that —
is, to live again.
— Lifton. 1975. p. vii
Death and loss are transactional processes involv- FAMILY ADAPTATION TO LOSS
ing those who die and their survivors in a shared
life cycle that acknowledges both the finality of Death poses shared adaptational challenges, re-
death and the continuity of life. Coming to terms quiring both immediate and long-term family reor-
with this process is the most difficult task a family ganization and changes in a family's definitions of
must confront in life. Throughout history and in its identity and purpose (Herz. 1989: Jordan. Kraus,
every culture, mourning rituals have facilitated not & Ware, 1993; Rosen. 1998; Shapiro. 1994; Walsh.
only the integration of death but also the transfor- 1983: Walsh & McGoldrick. 1991 ). The ability to
mation of survivors. Each culture, in its own ways, accept loss is at the heart of all strengths in healthy
offers assistance to the community of survivors in family functioning. The families that show the
moving forward with life. most maladaptive patterns in dealing with inevita-
By and large, the mental health field has ble losses cling together in fantasy and denial to
failed to appreciate the impact of loss on the fam- blur reality and to insist on timelessness and the
ily as an interactional system. In dealing with any perpetuation of never-broken bonds (Lewis. Bea-
death, the fewer the family resources, such as ex- vers. Gossett, & Phillips. 1976).
tended family, friends, and financial supports, the Adaptation does not mean resolution in the
more the system will be stressed. Insufficient at- sense of some complete coming to terms with the
tention has been given to the immediate and loss once and for all. Rather, it involves finding
long-term effects for siblings, parents, children, w a\ s to put the loss in perspective and to move on
and extended family. Legacies of loss find ex- with life. Adaptation has no fixed timetable or
pression in continuing patterns of interaction and sequence, and significant or traumatic losses may
mutual influence among the survivors and across never be fully resolved. The multiple meanings of
The pain of death touches all
the generations. any death are transformed throughout the life cycle
survivors' with others, some of
relationships as they are experienced and integrated with other
whom may never have even known the person life experiences, especially other losses (McGold-
who died. rick & Walsh. 1991).
185
1
186 CHAPTER 1
It would be a mistake to impose expectations Reorganization of the Family System

of fixed stages, sequences, or schedules on such a and Reinvestment in Other Relationships
complex process as grief, given the diversity of and Life Pursuits
family and individual coping styles, but we believe
The death of a family member disrupts the family
that there are crucial family adaptational tasks that,
equilibrium and established patterns of interaction.
if not dealt with, leave family members vulnerable
The process of recovery involves a realignment of
to dysfunction. Two major family tasks tend to
relationships and redistribution of role functions
promote immediate and long-term adaptation for
needed to compensate for the loss and carry on
family members and to strengthen the family as a
with family life. Promoting cohesion and flexibil-
functional unit.
ity in the family system is crucial to restabilization.
The upheaval and disorganization experienced in
the immediate aftermath of a loss may lead fami-

Shared Acknowledgment of the Reality
lies to make precipitous moves into new homes or
of Death and Shared Experience of Loss
marriages. The further dislocation may make mat-
All family members, in their own ways, must con- ters worse. Some families may try to hold on rig-
front the reality of a death in the family. Bowen idly to old patterns that are no longer functional to
(1988) drew our attention to the importance of minimize the sense of loss and disruption in family
contact with the reality of death, in particular the life.
inclusion of children. In Western societies before the present cen-

Acknowledgment of the loss is facilitated by tury, people died at home, and children were not
clear information and open communication about protected from death but shared in its sights and
the facts and circumstances of the death (Wright & smells. As is still prevalent in poor communities
Nagy, 1992). Inability to accept the reality of death throughout the world, families had to cope with the
can lead a family member to avoid contact with the precariousness of life, with death striking young
rest of the family or to become angry with others and old alike. With high rates of mortality for in-
who are moving forward in the grief process. Long- fants, children, and women in childbirth, along
standing sibling conflicts and cut-offs can often be with the much shorter lifespan (averaging 47 years
traced back to the bedside of a dying parent or to in 1900 in the United States), it was rare to grow up
the graveside. without experiencing a death in the immediate
Funeral rituals (Imber-Black, 1991; McGold- family. Parental death often disrupted nuclear fam-
rick, 1991a) and visits to the grave (Paul & Paul, ilies and shifted them into other forms, producing
1974; Williamson, 1978) serve a vital function in complex networks of full, half, and step relation-
providing direct confrontation with the reality of ships and vast extended kinship systems (Scott &
death and the opportunity to pay last respects, to Wishy, 1982).
share grief, and to receive comfort in the support- Thus, the nostalgic American image of the in-
ive network of the community of survivors. A cli- tact traditional "normal" family is a myth (Walsh.
mate of trust, empathic response, and tolerance for 1993); our denial of death contributes to the main-
diverse reactions is crucial. The mourning process tenance of that myth. In our time, we have come to
also involves sharing attempts to put the loss into hide death, making the process of adapting to loss
some meaningful perspective that fits coherently all the more difficult (Paul and Grosser, 1965). In
into the rest of a family's life experience and belief contrast to traditional cultures, our society lacks
system. This requires dealing with the ongoing cultural supports to assist families in integrating
negative implications of the loss, including the loss the fact of death with ongoing life (Aries, 1974;
of dreams for the future. 1982; Becker, 1973: Mitford. 1978;McGoldricket

DEATH AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 187
al.. 1991; Parkes. Laungani, & Young. 1997). Geo- early parent loss, or death of a child, tend to be
graphical distances separate family members at especially difficult for families. Prolonged mourn-
times of death and dying. Medical practice and ing, often lasting many years, is common. Many
technology have complicated the process by re- families struggle to find some justification for the
moving death from everyday reality while at the loss. Survivor guilt for spouses, siblings, and par-
same time confronting families with unprecedented ents can block their life pursuits or satisfaction.
decisions about whether to prolong or terminate The death of a child, which reverses the natural or-
life. Most recently, families have begun to organize der of life, is probably the most painful loss of all.
in efforts to reclaim the dying process. In whatever different forms and circum-
The process of mourning is quite variable, of- stances, mourning must be experienced, although
ten lasting much longer than people themselves individual responses to bereavement vary widely
expect (Wortman & Silver, 1989). Each new sea- (Wortman & Silver, 1989). Epidemiologic studies
son, holiday, or anniversary is likely to reevoke the have found that the death of a family member in-
loss. Overidealization of the deceased, a sense of creases vulnerability to premature illness and death
disloyalty, or the catastrophic fear of another loss for surviving family members (Osterweis, So-
may block the formation of other attachments lomon, & Green, 1984), especially a widowed
and commitments (Rando. 1993). Family members spouse and parents who have recently lost a child
may refuse to accept a new member who is seen as (Huygen, van den Hoogen. van Eijk. & Smits.
replacing the deceased when the loss has not been 1989). Furthermore, family developmental crises
integrated. have been linked to the appearance of symptoms in
The meaning and consequences of loss vary a family member (Hadley, Jacob. Miliones, Ca-
depending on many factors, including the particular plan, & Spitz. 1974). In view of the profound
phase of the life cycle at which it occurs. Whatever connections among members of a family, it is not
our therapeutic approach, a family life cycle per- surprising that adjustment to death more diffi-
is
spective can enable us to facilitate adaptation to cult than any other life change (Holmes & Rahe.
strengthen the whole family for future life passages. 1967).
TIMING OF LOSS IN THE Concurrence of Multiple Losses or Loss

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE with Other Major Life Cycle Changes
The timing of a loss in the three-generational The temporal coincidence of loss with other ma-
family life cycle may place a family at higher risk jor stress events, including multiple losses and
for dysfunction (Walsh & McGoldrick. 1988). Fac- other developmental milestones, may overload a
tors that influence the impact of a loss include family, posing incompatible demands. We pay
( 1 ) the timing of the loss, (2) the concurrence of particular attention to the concurrence of death
multiple losses or loss with other major life cycle with the birth of a child, since the tasks of mourn-
changes. (3) a history of traumatic loss and unre- ing may interfere with parenting. In addition, a
solved mourning, (4) the nature of the death, and child who is born at the time of a significant loss
(5) the function of the person in the family. may also assume a special replacement function
that can be the impetus for high achievement or
dysfunction. Similarly, a marriage in the wake of
Untimely Losses
loss is likely to confound the two relationships,
Deaths that are untimely in terms of chronological interfering with bereavement and with investment
or social expectations, such as early widowhood. in the new relationship in its own right. When
1
188 CHAPTER 1
stressful events pile up, the support of one's part- of such experiences. Clinical interventions should
ner and/or extended family is a crucial buffer that be aimed at making such covert patterns overt and
facilitates resilience. helping family members to differentiate present re-
lationships from the past so that history need not
repeat itself.
Past Traumatic Loss and
Unresolved Mourning
In family assessment, a genogram and a timeline LOSS AT DIFFERENT FAMILY

are particularly useful in tracking sequences and LIFE CYCLE STAGES
concurrences of nodal events over time in the mul-
The Young Adult Phase
tigenerational family field (McGoldrick, 1991b:
McGoldrick, Gerson, & Sohellenberger, 1998). In It is remarkable that so little attention has been
cases of marital breakdown, we are especially given to the impact of loss in young adulthood. At
careful to inquire about losses that occurred at the launching, the family must renegotiate intergener-
start of the relationship, as well as losses coincid- ational relationships, from the dependency and hi-
ing with problem onset. When a child in a family is erarchical authority of childhood and adolescence
symptomatic, we pay particular attention to un- to a more equal balance as adults to adults. In fam-
resolved losses that coincided with his or her ilies in which relationships have been especially
by Walsh (1978) and Mueller and
birth. Studies close or intensely conflictual, young adults may
McGoldrick Orfanidis (1976) have suggested that cut off entirely to gain physical or emotional dis-
the death of a grandparent near the time of birth of tance. Such cut-offs generally produce only a
a child may contribute to later emotional problems, pseudo-autonomy, which disintegrates upon con-
particularly at later separation points such as leav- tact with the family. However, because of our soci-
ing home. ety's assumption that young adults should become
We also pay attention to transgenerational an- independent of their families, the significance of
niversary patterns (Engel, 1975; Walsh & McGold- loss may not be recognized, and mourning may be-
rick, 1991). Family patterns are often replicated in come more complicated.
the next generation when a child reaches the same The death of a young adult child is a tragedy
age or stage as the parent at the time of death or for the entire family and may produce highly
traumatic loss. It is crucial to assess a risk of distressing and long-lasting grief (Gorer, 1965;
suicide or self-destructive behavior when a child Rando, 1986b). The family may experience a
reaches the age at which a parent experienced an sense of cruel injustice in the ending of a life they
untimely or traumatic death. The more seriously have nurtured before it has reached its prime. The
dysfunctional a family, the more likely it is that pain and guilt of parents and siblings may block
such linkages go unrecognized by family members them from continuing their own pursuits. Where
and become encoded in covert family scripts that the young adult had been distant or in conflict with
may be enacted with dire consequences (Byng- the family or dies by suicide or drug-involved ac-
Hall, 1991). In one chilling case, a 15-year-old boy cident, mourning is likely to be complicated by the
stabbed an older man in the street in an apparently unresolved state of the relationship. Combat-re-
dissociative episode, which the family ignored. lated death in war, even when it is regarded as
After a repeated offense, he was psychiatrically heroic or as a sacrifice in the patriotic defense
hospitalized. A family assessment revealed that the of national or ideological values, is nevertheless
father, at the age of 15, had witnessed the stabbing heartbreaking for parents, whose grief may surface
death of his own father in the street. Study of such only over time. Siblings may be expected to carry
transgenerational anniversary patterns is needed to the torch, and yet be blocked from realization of
more fully understand the transmission processes their own potential by prior sibling rivalry, survi-
vor guilt, and conflicting family injunctions to attends to weigh most heavily on the oldest or the
tempt to replace but not replace the lost child child who has taken on the most parental roles. The
(Arnold & Gemma. 1994: Cain & Cain. 1964; oldest son may be expected to become the head
Cain. Fast. & Erickson, 1964: McC.oldrick. 1995; of the family, whereas daughters arc typically ex-
Worden. 1996). pected to assume major caretaking functions for
the surviving parent, younger siblings, and aged
Brian, age 29, sought therapy for a repeated cycle grandparents. It is not uncommon for an adult
of setting rather grandiose career goals that he pur-
child to move back home to assist in the immediate
sued at a fevered pilch, only to undermine himself
adjustment of a widowed parent. When caregiving
each time he was on the brink of success. He felt
responsibility becomes prolonged, forward move-
extreme discomfort whenever he returned to his
ment in the life cycle may be blocked for the young
home, which his parents had made into a "shrine"
to his older brother, who had been killed in Viet- adult.
nam at the age of twenty-one. Pictures, medals. The loss of grandparents at this phase may be
and plaques covered the walls. Although Brian upsetting, particularly if they played central care-
was only 1 7 when his brother died, he felt a strong giving roles, as is common for grandmothers in
expectation from his parents to fulfill their dreams African American and other ethnic families and
for their firstborn son. This expectation was cou- in single-parent families. More complicated emo-
pled with a counterinjunction that it would be dis-
down the
tional ramifications are likely to flow
loyal to surpass his brother. Brian gradually came
system if the parent and grandparent had a troubled
to the realization that, try as he might, he could not
relationship that remained unresolved at the time
measure up to his parents' idealized expectations.
of death.
Therapy focused on shifting his triangulated posi-
tion, helping him and his parents to unknot his

bind.
Young Couples: The Joining of Families
through Marriage
Given the tendency in our society to deny the
importance of family ties at this phase, the impact of Widowhood in early marriage is now relatively un-
loss of a parent for young adults may be seri- common, and its untimeliness makes bereavement
ously underestimated by them, their families, their for the surviving spouse more difficult (Parkes
friends, and even therapists. The terminal illness of & Weiss, 1983). Early widowhood tends to be a
a parentmay be particularly difficult for young adult shocking and isolating experience without emo-
children who have moved away and are invested in tional preparation or essential social supports. Not
launching a career and new relationship commit- surprisingly, sudden death is more traumatic at this
ments (Walsh & McGoldrick. 1991 ). Tom between phase (Kastenbaum, 1998: Parkes 1972) than in
their own life pursuits and their filial caretaking re- later life, when lingering deaths tend to produce
sponsibilities, young adults may be threatened by greater strain (Gerber. Rusalem. Hannon. Battin.
closeness and parental dependence w hen not yet se- & Arkin. 1975). Not only do young widow icris
cure on their own. Facing a parent's dying may stir have to cope with the loss itself, but siblings and
fears of a loss of self. If the impact of the parental peers often shun them in an attempt to avoid con-
loss is not acknow ledged. the young adult may dis- fronting their own mortality or possibility of wid-
tance still further from the family and may seek owhood. There is also a tendency for the family to
emotional replacement in a romantic involvement. minimize the significance of the experience by ex-
Another source of distancing is the fear that pecting the w idowed spouse to move on quickly to
newly initiated adult life pursuits will have to be a new relationship. Relationships between the sur-
abandoned or put on hold while the young person viving spouse and in-laws, which are commonly
cares for the dying parent or for the surviving par- strained at this phase of the life cycle, often break
ent and other family members. This expectation off in the wake of the loss. If the surviving spouse
1
190 CHAPTER 1
rushes into a new relationship to avoid the pain of relatives and friends may encourage the couple to
loss, unattended mourning will most likely be car- put the event behind them quickly and immedi-
ried along, to surface later. Men tend to move on ately try to conceive another child. It is important
more rapidly, expecting a new partner to be sym- to help both partners acknowledge the meaning of
pathetic toward their continued mourning (Glick, such losses. In cases of perinatal loss, grief is facil-
Parkes, & Weiss, 1975). Not surprisingly, women itated by encouraging a couple to name and have
are less likely than men move precipitously into
to contact with the newborn, hold a simple memorial
a new relationship, especially when in-laws imply service, and bury the child in a marked grave.
guilt and disloyalty. The trauma may challenge the equilibrium of a
new couple, requiring friends and family support to
absorb the stress. Where there is social stigma or a
Infertility, Miscarriage, and Perinatal Losses
lack of resources, the couple may turn in on them-
Infertility, often a hidden loss, represents the loss selves, risking either fusion in a "two against the
of one's dreams for the future. The incidence of in- world" stance or mutual blame for the inability to
fertility has been rising, associated in many cases fill each other's sense of loss and emptiness. Since
with sexually transmitted diseases or, increasingly, the loss of a child places a couple's relationship at
with postponement of childbearing. The impact of risk for breakdown, brief couples therapy or a fo-
loss may be gradual over time, becoming more cused couples group can be especially helpful to fa-
painful as each monthly cycle passes and as meno- cilitate the mourning process and mutual support.
pause approaches, especially when medical inter- The death of a parent at this phase, when young
ventions repeatedly fail to result in conception. couples are focused on establishing their own
When one feels out of phase with siblings and lives, may not be mourned as directly as at other
friends who are excited over their own pregnancies life phases. When intergenerational relationships
or involvement with newborns, distress is height- have become closer with the marriage, parental
ened, and couples may avoid contact and dis- loss may be less difficult than it would be during
cussion of their own situation. Women and their the independent young adult phase. On the other
partners who have pursued careers before starting hand, the death of one parent may leave a child (es-
a family are especially vulnerable to self-blame. It pecially an only child or the only one living in the
is crucial for clinicians to assuage feelings that area) anxious about attending to the needs of the
they have not progressed "normally" in the family surviving parent as much as grieving for the one
life cycle without children and to help them find who is lost, or it may intensify expectations and
meaningful ways to express their generativity. needs from the marriage. Indeed, parental illness
Other significant hidden losses include still- or death may propel an individual into marriage,
births, miscarriages, and abortions. These losses embedding residuals of unresolved mourning in
are often unknown to others or unacknowledged the couple relationship (see Chapter 14).
and regarded as nonevents, making the loss more An issue that deserves much more clinical at-
painful (Lewis, 1976). Women commonly feel tention is the change in adult sibling relationships
the attachment and loss more deeply than their brought on by the death of a parent. Sisters are
spouses do, especially when the child has grown in more likely to be stressed by our cultural expecta-
their bodies during pregnancy. Moral or religious tion that daughters will be primary parental care-
controversy about abortion may complicate that takers (see Chapter 9). Brothers tend to shoulder
decision. In cases of miscarriage or stillbirth, more of the financial responsibilities but less of
women are also more likely to be faulted or blame the day-to-day caregiving. Old sibling rivalries
themselves. Disappointment and sorrow may in- may erupt into conflict over who was more fa-
clude the loss of a desired child and the fear of vored at the end, more burdened by caregiving, or
future pregnancy complications. Well-intentioned more neglectful. Competitive struggles may ensue
over succession issues where a family business is life. The marital relationship is particularly vulner-
involved. able after a child's death, with heightened risk of

The sense of responsibility to one's parents deterioration and divorce (Rando. 1986a; Videka-
may produce conflicts between loyalty to the fam- Sherman & Lieberman, 1985). Yet couples that are
ily of origin and the marriage. Increased attention, helped to pull together and comfort each other
physical or financial caretaking of the dying or can emerge with deepened marital bonds (Walsh,
surviving parent, or absorption in the grief process 1998a).
may stress the couple relationship, especially if the It is often said, "when your parent dies, you
spouse feels neglected over an extended period of have lost your past. When your child dies, you
time. Disappointment and distancing can have fall- have lost your future." The untimeliness and injus-
out for the intimate and sexual relationship Paul ( & tice in the death of a child can lead family mem-
Paul, 1982). In cross-cultural marriages, a spouse bers to the most profound questioning of the
who expects the marriage to come first may not meaning of life, involving as it does the loss of par-
understand that a partner —-from a Latino culture. ents' hopes and dreams. Of all losses, it is hardest
for example — is expected to place intergenerational not to idealize a child who has died.
obligations over spousal investment (Falicov. 1998). Particularly difficult may be the death of the
Encouraging mutual understanding and support will firstborn, an only child, the only child of one sex.
facilitate mourning and strengthen relational resil- a gifted child, a difficult child for whom family
ience (Walsh. 1998a). members have had ambivalent or negative relation-
ships, or a child who dies in an accident for which
the parents blame themselves. Because small chil-
Families with Young Children
dren are so utterly dependent on parents for their
The loss of a mate at this life phase is complicated safety and survival, parental guilt tends to be espe-
by financial and caretaking obligations for chil- cially strong in accidental or ambiguous deaths,
dren, which can interfere with the tasks of mourn- such as sudden infant death syndrome (DeFrain.
ing. Children may try to cover their own grief to Taylor. & Ernst. 1982). Blame is particularly likely
distract the bereaved parent from grieving out of to fall on mothers, who are expected to carry the
anxiety about their only surviving parent (Fulmer, primary responsibility for a child's well-being,
1983). Families need extra support from other even when paternal abuse or neglect are impli-
adult family members and friends to provide care- cated. Indeed, grieving may involve deep attach-
taking and concrete services, to permit the surviv- ment to that dead baby rather than detachment
ing parent to grieve. Generally, widowers receive (Vaisanen. 1996). Unattended parental difficulties
such support more than widows do. However, men with the loss of a child may be presented through
are less likely to have intimate friendships to fa- symptomatic behavior of a sibling, as in the fol-
cilitate emotional griefwork and more likely to lowing case:
confuse romance with needs for comfort and de-
pendency in seeking support. The Lamb family was referred for therapy for a
The death of a child is the most tragic of all school refusal problem, when their 4-year-old son
untimely losses, reversing generational expecta- Danny refused to go to nursery school despite his
good adjustment there the previous year. In taking
tions. Grief tends to persist for years and may even
a family history, the therapist learned that an older
intensify with the passage of time (Rando, 1986a).
brother. Michael, had died suddenly at the age of 4,
The effect can be devastating for the parents'
three years earlier, after developing a high fever.
health and marriage. A number of studies have The parents attributed the death to a virus he had
documented the high distress of bereaved parents picked up at nursery school. Mr. Lamb (and his
on such indicators as depression, anxiety, somatic own mother) secretly blamed Mrs. Lamb for let-
symptoms, self-esteem, and sense of control in ting Michael go to nursery school w hen the flu was
1
192 CHAPTER 1
going around. The parents kept Michael's room Children who lose a parent may suffer pro-
the way it had been, and the mother continued to found short- and long-term consequences (Furman.
celebrate his birthdays with Danny, each year 1974; Osterweis et al., 1984), including illness, de-
making a birthday cake with candles for the age he
pression, and other emotional disturbances in sub-
would have been if still alive.
sequent adult life. They may later experience
Bereavement is eased when both parents can difficulty in forming intimate attachments and and
participate in taking care of a sick child before carry catastrophic fears of separation and abandon-
death (Mulhern, Laurer, & Hoffman, 1983) and ment. Later difficulty in parenting is also common,
when they have a similar philosophy of life (Spin- especially if the same-sex parent was lost in child-
etta, Swarner, & Sheposh, 1981) or strong reli- hood. A parent may function normally until a child
gious beliefs (Martinson, Moldow, & Henry, reaches the same age at which the parent had been
1980). Self-help groups are extremely valuable for bereaved. At that point, the relationship may be-
bereaved parents, providing a supportive network come blocked, the parent may distance, and/or the
to facilitate dealing with the pain of the experience child may become symptomatic.
(Videka-Sherman & Lieberman, 1985). Children's reactions to death will depend on
In the death of a child, the needs of siblings their stage of cognitive development, on the way
and other family members are too often neglected. adults deal with them around the death, and on the
Some children experience prolonged grieving, in- degree of caretaking they have lost. It is important
cluding anniversary reactions for years afterward for adults to recognize the limitations of a child's
(Cain et al., 1964). Normal sibling rivalry may ability to understand what is happening and not to
contribute to intense survival guilt that can block be alarmed by seemingly unemotional or "inap-
developmental strivings well into adulthood. A propriate" responses. For instance, a small child
sibling's death is likely to be accompanied by the may approach strangers saying, "My mother died"
sense of losing one's parents as well, because they as a way of seeking support and understanding
are preoccupied with caretaking or grieving or through observing the reactions of others (Oster-
may even withdraw from their children out of their weis et al., 1984). It is crucial for adults not to ex-
fear of ever being vulnerable to loss again. When clude children from the shared experience of loss,
illness is protracted, siblings must also cope with hoping thus to spare them pain (Bowen, 1988).
diminished attention to their own needs. In many Role functions of the lost parent and of the be-
cases, parents become overly protective and vigi- reaved spouse need to be carried out by other
lant of surviving children and later have difficulty members. If, in addition to the loss of a parent, the
with the transitions of separation and launching. child must cope with a vacuum in caretaking while
A sibling may also be inducted into a replace- the surviving parent is depressed or preoccupied,
ment role for the family. Such a response is not there may be serious lasting consequences. A
necessarily pathogenic. Investing energy in surviv- child's handling of loss of a parent depends largely
ing children has been found to facilitate positive on the emotional state of the surviving parent and
adjustment over time for parents (Vidaka-Sher- the availability of other caretakers (Rutter, 1966;
man, 1982). However, the long-term consequences Van Eerdewegh, Bieri, Parilla, & Clayton, 1982).
for the replacement child need to be considered The loss of a grandparent at this phase is likely
(Cain & Cain, 1964; Legg & Sherick, 1976). Our to be a child's first experience in learning how to
own clinical experience suggests that it becomes deal with death. Children will probably be most
dysfunctional if the child's own needs and unique helped if they are included in their parents' experi-
qualities can not be affirmed. In such cases, at- ence of mourning and will be reassured by seeing
tempts at separation and individuation are likely to that the parents can cope with the loss. If the grand-
disrupt the family equilibrium and precipitate de- parent has suffered a prolonged illness with major
layed grief responses in other members. caregiving demands, the parent will be stressed by
pulls in two directions: toward the heavy responsi- may contribute to an adolescent's self-destructive
bilities of caring for young children and toward fil- behavior, such as eating disorders or actual deci-
ial obligations for the dying and surviving parent. sion to commit suicide (Pipher. 1994). When a sui-
cide attempt occurs, the whole family should be

convened, helped to understand and reconstruct
Families with Adolescents
meanings surrounding the experience, and helped
Death at this phase in the life cycle may be particu- to repair whatever family fragmentation has re-
larly traumatic because the primary developmental sulted from earlier adversities (Gutstein, 1991). It
task of adolescent separation conflicts with the ex- is crucial to explore possible connections to other
perience of loss, which requires the family to move traumatic losses in the family system (Coleman &
closer in support of its members. The most com- Stanton, 1978: Dunne. Mcintosh. & Dunne-Maxim.
mon adolescent deaths are from accidents (often 1988; McGoldrick. 1991b: 1995: Walsh & McGold-
complicated by risky or self-destructive behavior, rick. 1991 ). especially other suicides, as in the fol-
such as drug and alcohol abuse and careless driv- lowing case:
ing), suicide, and homicide. With life-threatening
illnesses such as cancer, treatment becomes inter- David, a 13-year-old boy. was hospitalized after an
woven with adolescent rebelliousness, compound- attempted suicide. The boy and his family were at
may a loss to explain the episode and made no mention

ing the difficulty for parents. Children resist
of the fact that an older brother had died shortly be-
medications or required treatments, taking severe
fore David's birth. This fact was revealed only in
risks with their health. Parents, more conscious of
doing the family genogram. David had grown up
the long-term consequences, may struggle with the
attempting to take the place of this brother he had
present-focused adolescent. Helping agencies are never known The
to relieve his parents' sadness.
often caught in between. father, who could not recall the date or events sur-
When the death is associated with impulsive, rounding the death, wished to remember his first
risk-taking behavior, parents and siblings may son "as if he were still alive." David cultivated his
carry intense anger, frustration, and sadness about appearance to resemble photos of his brother, fi-
the senseless loss. Reckless driving, especially un- nally acknowledging that he had attempted suicide
der the influence of alcohol or drugs, accounts for "to join [his] 13-year-old brother in heaven." The
timing corresponded to his surviving the age of his
a high percentage of teen deaths. Lethal firearms
brother's death and to his concern about his growth
have contributed to an alarming increase in homi-
spurt at puberty, which was changing him from the
cides and accidental shootings of youths by youths.
way he was "supposed" to look. Family therapy
Inner-city violence takes a tragic toll of young
focused on enabling David and his parents to relin-
lives, particularly in poor, minority neighborhoods.
quish his surrogate position and let him move for-
The experience of daily threat is much like living ward in his own development.
in a war zone (Garbarino. 1992). As Burton's re-
search has shown, poor minority adolescents in Adolescents frequently retreat from family
such dangerous and blighted communities often and friends after a sibling's death. They may talk
have a foreshortened expectation of their life cycle to no one about the experience, never even clari-
and a sense of hopelessness about their future. The fying the nature of the death. The differences in
high risk of early violent death, especially for coping styles of different family members may
young males, fuels doubts about even reaching compound problems following loss. It is an im-
adulthood and contributes to a focus on immediate portant clinical issue to discuss with adolescents
gratification, early sex and parenthood, and self- the meaning of death and help them to articulate
destructive drug abuse (Burton. 1995). their thoughts and feelings (Watkins. 1993). Typ-
Any number of problems in living, fueled by ically, in our culture, adolescents may rebuff their
the strong peer and media pressure at this time. mothers' attempts to share feelings, as their fathers
1
194 CHAPTER 1
withdraw or bury themselves in work. Such reac- Since adolescents may not approach parents,
tions will, of course, vary with cultural back- it's crucial for parents to encourage them to voice
ground and each family's prior experience with their concerns.
loss. Unfortunately, when family members have

A mother called after her husband found their 13-
widely differing response styles, grieving becomes
year-old daughter's letter to her camp counselor
even more difficult.
saying that she wanted to die. The mother, who had
Because our dominant culture encourages ad- been battling breast cancer for several years, had
olescents to push away from parental closeness, in- recently learned that the cancer had spread and
fluence, and control, the death of a parent is likely was no longer treatable. The parents, trying to be
to be complicated by conflicted feelings, or the sig- cheerful, kept their children busy with activities
nificance of the loss may go unrecognized. If other and avoided discussion of the mother's terminal
family members idealize the deceased parent, an condition. The daughter, not wanting to burden her
adolescent's experience of disqualification may mother, showed no sign of distress and got straight
lead to an increased sense of alienation and of not

A's at school. It was crucial to help her share the
unspeakable so that they could talk openly about
being understood.
the challenges ahead.
Adolescents who earlier wished to be rid of
parental control may develop considerable guilt. Teenagers, as well as younger children, worry
The death of a parent at this phase is also compli- not only about losing a parent, but also about how
cated by peer models of acting-out behavior to well the surviving parent will care for them and
escape pain. Boys who lose a parent often turn what will happen to them. In identification with
to stealing, drugs, or fighting, or they withdraw their parent, they may also fear that they will get
socially, whereas girls are more likely to band the same disease. The daughter in this family, with
together, become sexually active, or become a heightened concern about her developing body at
pregnant in seeking closeness to comfort them- puberty, worried that she too would get breast can-
selves and replace their loss (Osterweis et al., cer and die.
1984). Adolescent acting-out behavior, in turn, The death of a grandparent often turns out to
stresses the family and may involve school or juve- be an underlying precipitant for adolescent prob-
nile authorities. Such larger systems tend to focus lem behavior. Adolescents are often the barometer
narrowly on the child's problem behavior, which of family feelings, the ones who express the unex-
may only exacerbate the problem. It is crucial to pressible and who draw needed attention to family
assess the context of behavior problems routinely problems. If the parents cannot deal with their
and, when there are recent or impending losses, to own emotional loss issues, an adolescent will of-
assist the family, not only the symptomatic child. ten pick up parental feelings and, not knowing a
in resolution. Weingarten (1996), following the better way to help the parents, will draw fire by
work of Gilligan, Lyons, and Hanmer (1990), chal- misbehavior.
lenges traditional psychoanalytic assumptions that Adolescents are often less ambivalent and
healthy adolescent development requires discon- more openly expressive of sadness about the loss of
nection from parents and that adolescents will be a grandparent. Naturally, a parent can feel conflicted
damaged if parents "burden them" with their own when having to cope simultaneously with the grand-
concerns. Instead, drawing on her positive experi- parent's death and the adolescent's separation. This
ence in sharing her battle with a life-threatening experience may be intensified if the parent's own
illness with her own teenage children, she argues adolescence was troublesome. Mourning is likely
that maturity, relational connectedness, and empa- to be complicated by longstanding intergenera-

thy are fostered if adolescents are encouraged to tional triangles, in which problems between parent
keep connected to their parents and come to under- and grandparent a generation earlier have led to a
stand their life struggles. coalition between grandparent and grandchild, with
the parent (viewed as the common enemy) in the tablished, or aging parents, who have diminished
outside position. Without repair, such triangles can resources and increased needs for caretaking.
be repeated in the next generation. Couples at launching are typically confront-
ing losses on both sides. As their children are leav-
ing home, their aging parents may be declining in

Launching Children and Moving On health or dying. Most adults in their middle years
The family at launching experiences a major tran- are prepared to assume increased caretaking re-
sitional upheaval as children leave and the two- sponsibilities for aging parents and to accept their
generational household unit reorganizes as a marital deaths as a natural, inevitable occurrence in the life
dyad. At launching, the couple must renegotiate cycle (Lewis. 1976; Neugarten. 1970). Neverthe-
their relationship, which no longer centers on childless, adjustment to loss is frequently complicated
rearing. Concurrently at midlife, as men typically by concerns about caretaker burden, neglect, or
own mortality, concerns
begin to confront their abandonment; caregiving children may feel that
aboutwidowhood become prominent for most their efforts were unappreciated by the dying par-
women. In fact, women, who are commonly ent or by less involved siblings, who themselves
younger than more
their husbands, are four times may feel guilty that they didn't do more.
likely to outlive them, and are likely to be widowed Caretaking and mourning processes are likely
at an earlier age and to remain widows with many to be more complicated for the entire family when
years of life ahead. With this anticipation, women intergenerational tensions or cut-offs have been
in traditional marriages, who have been financially longstanding. Clinically, we move, whenever pos-
dependent and emotionally centered on their hus- sible, to bridge cut-offs and promote intergenera-
bands, may be even more concerned about the tional connectedness, to strengthen the family in
health of their husbands than about their own well- coping with its loss. A conjoint family life review
being (Neugarten. 1970). We encourage women to (see Chapter 18) can be valuable in structuring
put their own lives in perspective — to consider how the sharing of memories to gain a more balanced,
they will manage on their own and to build a sup- evolutionary perspective on family relationships.
portive social network for the years they are likely Members may have mellowed about issues that
to spend alone. Men. who are less likely to antici- were painful at an earlier stage in the life cycle,
pate widowhood, may lack preparedness and expe- viewing them differently, with new opportunity for
rience greater shock at the loss of their wives. The resolution or at least more empathic understanding
suicide rate for men who are widowed at midlife is of differences and disappointments.
exceptionally high (Butler & Lewis, 1983). With the death of aging parents, adult children
Widowhood at midlife is much more difficult typically confront their own mortality and think
than in later life because it does not fit with social more about the time that remains ahead of them.
expectations and is not commonly experienced by The death of the last surviving member of the older
peers. At launching, couples often reinvest energy generation makes them especially aware that they
in the marriage and make plans for their future to- are now the oldest generation and the next to die.
gether, with the anticipation of sharing activities Because the existence of grandchildren commonly
that have been postponed while child-rearing con- eases the acceptance of mortality, there may be
sumed attention and financial resources. With the pressure on the recently launched generation to
death of a partner, these dreams of a shared future marry and start a family.
are lost. Friends and other couples who are un-
ready to confront their own mortality and survivor-
Families in Later Life
ship may distance themselves from the survivor.
The widow(er) may also be reluctant to burden With increasing life expectancy, four- and five-
recently launched children, who are not yet es- generation families are becoming more common.
1 —
196 CHAPTER 1
and postretirement couples with declining re- months of bereavement have been found to be 40
sources are increasingly called upon to care for percent above the expected rate for married men of
their very elderly parents. The central life cycle the same age.
task of old age —accepting one's own mortality The psychosocial tasks for widowhood, as for
becomes quite real as siblings, spouses, and peers other losses, are twofold: to grieve for the loss of
die around one. Surviving the death of an adult the spouse and to reinvest in future functioning.
child can be especially painful. Multiple concur- Lopata (1996) has described common phases and
rent losses, though common at this time, are never- tasks, which include loosening bonds to the spouse
theless painful. In reaction, some older people and acknowledging the fact of the death, trans-
withdraw from closeness and dependency on other forming shared daily experiences into memories.
elders or avoid funerals so as not to experience yet Open expression of grief and loss is important at
another painful loss. Intergenerational family con- this time. Typically within a year, attention turns
flicts may erupt over issues of caretaking. depen- to the demands of daily functioning, self-support,
dency, loss of functioning and control as health household management, and adjustment to being
declines and death approaches (Chapter 18). physically and emotionally alone. Next, women
It is all but inevitable that one partner in a mar- new activities and interest in oth-
typically shift to
riage will die before the other. As was noted above, ers. Loss in widowhood is often compounded by
women are more likely to outlive their husbands, other dislocations, particularly when the family
by seven years on the average. Most men over 65 home and social community are given up or when
are married, whereas most women are widowed financial loss or illness reduce independent func-
(Butler & Lewis, 1983). This gender imbalance is tioning. Though widows and widowers are the one
one of the most poignant problems of the elderly. class of mourners given a specific title defining
Older men, who tend to select younger partners, their status, that identity is also a constant re-
have many more marital options; the odds are minder of the loss and may impede the process of
against women remarrying, since there are fewer reentry.
men in their age group and relationships with

younger men are less socially acceptable. If the
DEATH IN DIVORCED AND
prior marriage was deeply valued or, conversely,
REMARRIED FAMDLffiS
too burdensome, older widow(er)s may simply
prefer not to remarry. Because so many widows With current high rates of divorce, remarriage, and
find themselves unprepared for the financial bur- redivorce expected to continue, family members
dens of widowhood and may lack adequate retire- are likely to experience a variety of losses. Clinical
ment benefits of their own, one of the most inquiry must extend beyond the immediate house-
important areas for preventive intervention is to hold to the broader network of family relationships
help women become knowledgable and empow- and not overlook deaths in prior marriages and
ered regarding their economic security. stepfamilies. The death of a former spouse may
Widowers are at especially high risk of death bring a surprisingly strong grief reaction, even if
and suicide in the first year of bereavement be- the marriage ended years earlier, as in the follow-
cause of the initial sense of loss, disorientation, ing case:
and loneliness and because of the loss of a wife's
Sarah learned of the death of her former husband.
caretaking functions. Husbands' vulnerability to
Paul, from a neighbor. Her grief, the intensity of
loss may also be greater because men are social-
which surprised her, was made more painful by her
ized to minimize their awareness of dependency on exclusion from the community of mourners, due
their spouses. Furthermore, because men are less to everyone's efforts to protect Paul's widow and
likely to be widowed, they are less prepared for the their children from the potential upset of her pres-
adjustment. Deaths of widowers during the first six ence in the midst of their sorrow. Although Sarah
had been very close to Paul's parents and friends may be grieved for in isolation when the relation-
tor many years, she had never met his second wife ship has been a secret or has been disapproved of
and children and was not invited to sit shiva at the by the family or the community. When the rela-
family home. She attended the memorial service tionship has been kept secret, the very loss must be
alone; as other mourners avoided contact with her,
hidden.
she fell like a ghost in the shadows. It was ex-
Cancer and AIDS have become the epidemics
tremely important to her that her current husband
of our times, each generating tremendous stigma
and an old friend accompanied her to the gravesite
and fear of contagion (Rolland, 1994; Sontag.
the next day and were comforting to her in her
grief.
1988). The AIDS epidemic has led many people
who are HIV-positive to cover up their health sta-
Children's losses of kin or step-relations who tus and other people to distance themselves from
have been important to them some phase in their
at those who are known to have AIDS, impairing
development should also be attended to. Where a family and social support as well as the delivery of
stepparent has formed a strong attachment to step- critical health care. Distinctions are too often made
children and assumed financial and other responsi- between "innocent victims," on one hand, such as
bilities, the death of his or her spouse, the children born with AIDS or individuals who have
biological parent, leaves him or her with no legal contracted the disease through blood transfusions,
rights to continue a relationship with the children. and. on the other hand, those who are condemned
In other cases, when loyalty conflicts are strong at for having "brought it on themselves" through ho-
the death of a parent, children may vehemently mosexuality or drug use. Clinicians can help to
contest a will that favors a stepparent over the bio- reduce social stigma and unfounded fears of conta-
logical parent. Finally, couples may need to con- gion so that suffering and death by AIDS are not
sider w ith which spouse they should be buried. For made all the more painful and isolating.
children from the divorced family, old wishes may The epidemic of AIDS is especially devastat-
be rekindled to reunite their parents for all time in ing in the gay community —
and increasingly for
their graves. men, women, and children in poor inner-city
neighborhoods — because of the multiple losses
and anticipated losses experienced in relationship
VARIED LIFE COURSE: CHALLENGES
networks (Klein & Fletcher. 1986). As recent treat-
OF HIDDEN AND STIGMATIZED LOSSES
ment advances have brought new hope to many,
Many lives and relationships do not fit neatly into they must adjust from a prognosis of certain death
the categories and succession of stages described to reengage in life with an uncertain long-term
in the preceding section, and significant losses course (see Chapter 29). Tragically, the high cost
may be unrecognized. Loss issues concerning in- and difficulty of complicated drug regimens limit
fertility and miscarriage are not confined to early, their availability to those who are poor and lack ad-
childless marriage and become more painful with equate medical care.
the ticking of the biological clock. Single individ-
uals or couples who have chosen not to have chil-
Gender Differences and Constraints
dren may be assumed erroneously to be suffering
or compensating for loss, as implied by our lan- Although our society has been changing rapidly,
guage, which labels them "/^married" and "child- normative expectations for men and women in fam-
less." Societal attitudes toward homosexuality ilies have lagged behind emerging realities of family
complicate all losses in gay and lesbian relation- life (McGoldrick, Anderson, & Walsh. 1989). Tradi-
ships. Lacking the legal standing of marriage, a tional gender-based socialization has constrained
partner may be denied death benefits when a rela- and separated men and women in the mourning
tionship is ended by death. The death of a partner process, men being assigned to instrumental tasks.
1
198 CHAPTER 1
such as financial and funeral arrangements, and Religion and spirituality also need to be explored,
women being expected to be social and emotional as they offer meaning about a death and can pro-
caretakers. Mothers are particularly vulnerable to vide solace and comfort through faith, congrega-
blame and guilt at the death of a family member tional support, and transcending beliefs in a larger
because of societal expectations that they bear pri- purpose and connectedness to all of life (Walsh,
mary caretaking responsibility for the well-being 1998b).
of their husbands, children, and aging parents.
Given our cultural indoctrination that "real" men
CONCLUSION
don't cry, men have been constrained from "los-
ing control" and showing vulnerability and sorrow. We are seeing a heightened recognition of the im-
Helping family members to gain awareness of the portance of facing death and loss. The worldwide
cultural context of such constraints is an important AIDS epidemic has forced greater attention to
part of helping families come to view their own death and dying. Also, the approach of middle age
and each other's reactions. Moreover, when men for the large baby boom generation has prompted
distance themselves from their wives' grief, the a shift in public consciousness from preoccupa-
couple relationship is at risk of breakdown. It is tion with youth to the realities of aging and mor-
important to address distancing and imbalance, tality, along with increasing comfort in open
encouraging families to question constraining re- expression of grief. Families are reclaiming the
sponses in themselves and in their culture. dying process through such directives as living
wills and more active creation and participation in
meaningful memorial rites. At the same time, con-

Respecting Cultural Differences
troversy over end of life decisions is becoming the
Helping family members to deal with a loss often major issue facing families and society in our
means showing respect for their particular cultural times.
heritage and encouraging them to be proactive in Amidst social and economic upheavals of re-
determining how they will commemorate a death. cent decades, families are dealing with multiple
It is generally better to encourage families toward losses, transitions, and uncertainties. Family sta-
openness about death, but it is also crucial to re- bility and security have been disrupted through
spect their pain and their timing in facing the emo- such dislocations as divorce, migration, and job
tional aftermath of a loss. It is especially important loss. Although this chapter has focused on loss
to ask several questions about a particular cultural through death, the family challenges and processes
group's traditions: described for recovery and healing have broader
application to other losses. Clinicians can play a
1. What are the prescribed rituals for handling vital role in helping families to transform and tran-
dying, the dead body, and the disposal of the scend their losses with courage in a rapidly chang-
body and rituals to commemorate the loss? ing world.
2. What are the group's beliefs about what hap- In sharing their experience of loss, family
pens after death? members gain one of the most important healing
3. What does the group believe about appropri- resources: each other. Without mutual support in
ate emotional expression and integration of a times of death and loss, the pain is ultimately that
loss experience? much worse, not only for the one who mourns
4. What are the gender rules for handling the alone, but also for those who grieve silently on the
death? sidelines or not at all. When we foster family resil-
5. Are certain deaths particularly stigmatized ience in the face .of loss, individual members and
(e.g., suicide) or traumatic for the group? their relationships emerge strengthened and more
—
resourceful in meeting future life challenges ences surrounding loss need to be examined as
(Walsh. 1998a). they constrain or facilitate our efforts to help griev-
The uniqueness of each life course in its con- ing families. By coming to accept death as part of
text needs to be appreciated in every assessment life and loss as a transforming experience, we
of the multigenerational family life cycle and in and our field — will discover new possibilities for
our understanding of the meaning of loss. Our own growth.

personal, cultural, and spiritual beliefs and experi-
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(1974). The relationship between family develop- McGoldrick, M. ( 1991b) The legacy of loss. In F Walsh
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Orthopsychiatry: 55, 70-82.
Chapter 12
CREATING MEANINGFUL RITUALS FOR

NEW LIFE CYCLE TRANSITIONS
EVAN 1MBER-BLACK
Every culture makes rituals. Anchoring us with the itself over time, facilitating the elaboration of roles,
past and where each of us comes from, while si- boundaries, and rules. Imber-Black and Roberts
multaneously moving us into the future, rituals (1992) have delineated how rituals define family
capture and express the duality of continuity and and group membership; heal losses; maintain and/
change, constancy and transformation, required for or change individual, family, and cultural identity;
families and cultures. express core beliefs; and facilitate the celebration
The capacity of rituals to both make and mark of life. Rituals enable us to hold and express contra-
transitions make them especially salient for life cy- dictions. Thus, a wedding marks the loss of partic-
cle changes. Life cycle events and transitions such ular roles in the families of origin while at the same
as birth, marriage, and death are most frequently time marking the beginnings of the new couple and
marked with familiar rituals. Many religious and in-law relationships. Since the ritual event is time-
ethnic groups also have rituals to mark young adult and space-bounded, a safe and manageable context
development (e.g., bar mitzvah, confirmation), or for the expression of strong emotions is created.
such development may be marked by secular ritu- Rituals marking life cycle transitions function at
als such as graduation. These rituals, while often many levels, enabling individual change (e.g.. from
seen as discrete events, such as the wedding, and adolescent to young adult, from single adult to mar-
the christening or baby-naming, are in actuality ried adult), relationship change (e.g.. from parent-
processes that occur over time, involving advance child to two adults, from dating couple to married
preparation and reflection afterward. Choices about couple), family system change (e.g., expansion
who participates in the planning and execution of a through the addition of members or contraction
life cycle ritual reflect family relationship patterns. through members leaving), and family-community
Negotiations that occur during the preparation for change (e.g., graduation marks not only a child's
life cycle rituals may be opportunities to change leaving school, but also a change in the family's
such patterns. Thus, such rituals may be seen as the relationship to larger systems; a retirement party
visible and condensed drama of the life cycle tran- marks not only a person's ending work, but also a
sitions that they mark. change in the family's relationship to the outside
Relying on symbols, metaphors, and actions, world). Rituals may connect a family with previous
which may have multiple meanings, life cycle rituals generations, providing a sense of history and root-
function to reduce anxiety about change. Accord- edness, while simultaneously implying future rela-
ing to Schwartzman (1982), rituals make change tionships. The performance of and participation in
manageable, as members experience change as such rituals link a family to the wider community
part of their system rather than as a threat to it. through the repetition of familiar rites.
Similarly, Wolin and Bennett (1984) suggest that The critical importance of rituals in our lives
rituals contribute to a family's identity, its sense of is evident in the responses of oppressed people
202
CREATIV. Ml VNING1 UL RITUALS FOR MW I II I ( YCLE TRANSITIONS 203
when rituals are forbidden to them. African Amer- rituals, the people who gathered to witness
icans held in sla\ery were not permitted to many. Miranda's story remained in her life as a special
The\ created their ow n secret wedding ceremony, team, available in crises and knowledgeable about
"jumping the broom," to mark a committed rela- Miranda's unique stop, i Weingarten & Weingarten
tionship. Jewish women in Nazi concentration Worthen. 1997).
camps turned conversations with each other into
remembering rituals and wrote out recipes for rich

CREATING RITUALS AS A DEVELOPMENTAL
and delicious food in the midst of forced starva-
TASK FOR COL PEES
tion. In so doing, they proclaimed connections
to their villages, their faith, and their families Among the many de\elopmental tasks facing any
(DeSilva. 1996). new couple is the creating of rituals. Coming from

Rituals can alter the stories that we tell about different families of origin, members of a couple
ourselves and that other people tell about us. often encounter differences in preferred and famil-
They can powerfully connect us to a community iar rituals of everyday life, such as meals or greet-
of support. The family therapist Kathy Weingar- ing each other at the end of a bus\ day, family
ten and her daughter Miranda E\e Weingarten traditions such as birthdays or anniversaries, and
Worthen created a moving ritual to decrease the holiday celebrations. Struggles over how to per-
loneliness Miranda felt as an adolescent with a form rituals are a lens through which couples can
rare, serious, and little-known genetic disorder. learn about each other's family of origin. Such
Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome (BWS). Hav- struggles are particularly challenging for couples
ing struggled since birth with se\ere pain, joint who come from different religions, ethnic groups,
dislocations, and other complications of her ill- or social classes. While a couple may be able to
ness. Miranda also faced tremendous isolation, create an interfaith wedding, they may find that rit-
since no one she knew had ever heard of her ill- uals to mark the birth of children, how to celebrate
ness, nor could people outside of her family even religious holidays, or imaginingwhat an interfaith
begin to imagine what living with this illness funeralwould look like become the crucible for
meant. working out loyalties to extended family and cur-
At Kathy*s urging. Miranda and Kathy de- rent differentiated beliefs and identities. Members
signed an invitation to a special ceremony, one that of a couple w ho come from different social class
would allow Miranda to tell her story to a trusted backgrounds will have very different experiences
group of friends. Miranda created two rituals. In w ith rituals.
the first, she lit a candle and gave an unlit candle to Gay and lesbian couples may face unique
each person gathered. "I began to tell the story of challenges where rituals are concerned. Our cul-
my living with BWS. I asked people to light their ture has still not affirmed legal marriage for gay
candle from mine when they understood the mag- and lesbian couples, requiring such couples to
nitude of my experience. As people lit their can- think through what kind of ritual to create to mark
dles from mine... I felt that each lit candle took a committed relationship. Many gay and lesbian
some of the burden off me" (Weingarten & Wein- couples find that they have acceptance and support
garten Worthen. 1997. p. 52 >. from the extended family of one partner but not the
In the second ritual. Miranda listed thirty dif- other, leading them to adopt the rituals of onl\ one
ferent feelings connected to her illness on cards. partner while the other partner's legacy gets lost.
She placed her negati\ e feelings in one box and her Therapy with gay and lesbian couples should in-
positive feelings in another. Both boxes were beau- clude conversations about meaningful rituals start-
to honor the validity of all of her feelings.

tiful, ing from the premise that each is bringing an en-
The people who gathered then helped Miranda to cyclopedia of rituals from which to choose ways to
brainstorm more positive feelings. Follow ing these make new meaning toeether.
204 CHAPTER 12
Jerry Corbell and Stan Best had lived together adapted. For instance, when Sherry and Bruce Cal-
for fifteen years. Since Jerry's family had rejected lahan had their first baby, they planned a christen-
him, all of Stan and Jerry's holidays were cele- ing that was exactly like all such rituals, with the
brated only with Stan's family. Jerry felt so much addition of one aspect. Their baby had been con-
pain over his family's cut-off that he abandoned all ceived through assisted insemination with donor
familiar rituals from his own childhood, leaving sperm. They decided well before their baby's birth
him with the double loss of family relationships that they did not want their use of new birth tech-
and family rituals. The rituals with Stan's family, nologies to be a secret that part of their family
while warm and caring, were at the same time a knew and others did not know. They also wanted to
sharp reminder of his losses. In our therapy. I sug- be able to speak about this easily with their child
gested that Jerry's parents' rejection did not mean when the time came and not allow it to be a taboo
that Jerry needed to lose meaningful rituals that be- subject. In our therapy, we talked of ways to adapt
longed to him. Rather, he needed to reclaim and al- the christening ritual to include the fact of donor
ter those rituals to fit his life now. Jerry began by insemination. They decided that after the christen-
unpacking key symbolic objects that he had hidden ing, Bruce would speak to all assembled, publicly
away — his grandmother's candlesticks from East- thanking their anonymous donor for helping them
em Europe, Christmas ornaments that his aunt had to have the precious gift of their baby. Bruce told
given him every year as a child, a card file of reci- me later, "I was so scared to say those words, but
pes of his favorite dishes from his family of origin. when I did. any shame I had previously felt just
Over time, Jerry and Stan integrated these special lifted and flew out of the church" (Imber-Black &
symbols into their ritual life together. Roberts, 1992).
Many couples seeking therapy today come Idiosyncratic life cycle transitions may in-
with multiple differences in religion, ethnicity, clude bicultural marriage; gay or lesbian marriage;
race, and social class. Often, the couple has not families formed by adoption, especially when
identified these differences as a source of diffi- there is overt or covert nonsupport from family
culty, yet their struggles and conflicts over rituals members; families formed by new birth technolo-
will mirror these. Nonconfrontational conversation gies: the birth of a handicapped child; the birth
about each one's ritual life is often an excellent en- or adoption of a child by an unmarried mother or
try point, enabling couples to see the power of their father; pregnancy loss; forced separation through
own heritage in the present. Any therapy with bi- hospitalization, imprisonment, or terror; reunion
cultural couples needs to spend time on helping the after such forced separations; migration; living to-
couple to examine each one's history with rituals gether relationships; the end of nonmarried rela-
and negotiate meaningful rituals for their lives tionships; foster placement and the reunion after
together. foster placement; sudden, unexpected or violent

death, including suicide; the leaving home of a
mentally or physically handicapped young adult,
CONTEMPORARY LIFE CYCLE
especially when this leaving has not been antici-
TRANSITIONS
pated: and chronic, incapacitating illness. This list,
While all individuals and families experience some which is intended to be suggestive rather than ex-
normative life cycle transitions and participate in haustive, is shaped by broad social processes that
rituals that facilitate these transitions, many indi- may change over time and may differ with various
viduals and families are faced with life cycle tran- cultural and socioeconomic groups. For example,
sitions that are new or novel and that, by virtue of pregnancy outside of a legal marriage may or may
their seemingly different or unusual nature, may not be an idiosyncratic life cycle event with all of
not be marked by rituals or may have rituals that the aspects described below attendant on it, de-
simply don't fit the circumstances and need to be pending on the norms of the family, the family's
CREATING MEANINGFUL RITUALS FOR NEW LIFE CYCLE TRANSITIONS 205
reference group and the response of the wider with any of the idiosyncratic life cycle events and
community. While the list above may seem an un- transitions listed above may be at greater risk of in-
usual combination, all items in the list have several corporating negative images.
elements in common: 7. The family may abandon or interrupt familiar
rituals that contribute to its sense of itself, espe-
1. Familiar, repetitive, and widely accepted ritu- cially if these elicit painful memories. For in-
als do not exist to facilitate required changes and to stance, after the loss of a member through sudden
link individual, family, and community. death, hospitalization, or imprisonment, members
2. All require complex reworking of relation- may avoid family rituals. Families that are unable
ships, similar to normative life cycle transitions, to accept members' gay relationships or non-
but lack the available maps that attend to more ex- married heterosexual relationships may restrict
pected transitions. participation in rituals. Paradoxically, such ritual

3. Contextual support from family of origin, the abandonment or interruption prevents healing and
community, and the wider culture is often lacking. relationship development.
Individual and family events and processes are not
confirmed by family of origin, larger systems, and El Salvador and the Bronx
the community.
When the Torres family arrived in the Bronx from
4. A balance of being both like others (e.g., a
El Salvador, Mrs. Torres and her son Manuel, age
family with a severely handicapped member shares
13, and her daughter Maria, age 11, were coping
many features with other families) and being unlike
with the recent death of their husband and father in
others (e.g., a family with a severely handicapped
the Salvadoran civil war and recovering from their
member has certain aspects of their functioning that own terrifying wartime experiences. They re-
are different from those of other families) is often mained very close for the first two years but aban-
difficult to achieve, resulting in a skewed sense of doned many familiar rituals from their culture.
either denying the differences or maximizing them Since most of their rituals were communal or reli-
to the exclusion of a sense of connectedness with gious and depended on people from their own
others. country, they struggled with little success to find
5. A sense of stigma is often experienced be-

ways to develop meaningful rituals. Simply meet-
ing the demands of daily life in the Bronx took
cause of prejudice from the wider community.
precedence.
This, in turn, may lead to the emergence of secrets
The children quickly learned English in school.
and conspiracies of silence that constrain relation-
Mrs. Torres became worried that they would forget
ship possibilities.
Spanish and forget that they were Salvadoran. She
6. Involvement with larger systems is often prob- spoke to them in Spanish at home, but they insisted
lematic. Families with handicapped members, hos- on responding in English. In a fairly typical pattern
pitalized members, imprisoned members, or fostered among parents and adolescents who have migrated,
members are required to deal with larger systems they were soon struggling, as Mrs. Torres wanted to
in ways that alter family boundaries and relation- talk about "home," while her children insisted that
ships, often over many years. Families experiencing home was in the Bronx.
forced migration or migration for economic ne- When I met the Torres family in family therapy,
I suggested that they bring symbols to our next
cessity are often involved with intimidating larger
systems. Families whose organization and mem-
session —symbols of El Salvador and the Bronx.
Mrs. Torres was very surprised to see that Manuel
bership are not affirmed by the wider culture, such
and Maria brought symbols of El Salvador that
as gay couples and their children, are often stigma-
showed how connected they still were to their orig-
tized by larger systems. Because family identity inal home. The teens brought toys and photo-
and sense of competency include reflections from graphs that their mother didn't know they had kept.
larger systems with whom they interact, families They talked with their mother about their memories,
206 CHAPTER 12
letting her know that they were involved with their secrecy, sense of shame in one or more members,
homeland in deeply emotional ways. Their sym- and frequently stressful relationships with larger
bols from the Bronx included a music tape and a systems with whom the family must interact may
poster from a concert. Mrs. Torres listened respect-
be mirrored by a paucity of mark devel- rituals to
fully to them describe what this music meant to
opmental change. Rigid and repetitive symptoms
them, replacing their usual arguments about North
and interactions of family members in response to
American music. Mrs. Torres brought food for both
symptoms metaphorically express the family's stuck
of her symbols, including her wonderful Salva-
position. The clinician who searches for normative
doran cooking and a small pizza to symbolize the
Bronx and the arguments they had been having life cycle issues to hypothesize about the emer-
w hen her children w anted pizza instead of her eth- gence of symptoms may find that idiosyncratic and
nic dishes. The family and I sat and ate both foods often hidden life cycle processes are salient.
together.
Following this ritual that enabled the holding
The House-Cooling Party
and expressing of past and present, their prior life Candice Meyers first contacted me for therapy be-
and their current life, their losses and their surviv- cause she was depressed. Her family physician
ing, the Torres family agreed to hold a weekly had prescribed antidepressant medication, but she
story-telling session at home to include Mrs. wanted to try therapy first. In our first meeting, she
Torres' stories of El Salvador and Manuel and told me through her tears that her husband. Brent,
Maria's stories of the Bronx. Over time, the chil- had left her for another woman six months earlier.
dren also shared memories of El Salvador, and Mrs. Married for six years, they had been talking about
Torres began to tell stories of her daily life in the starting a family. Brent had been secretly planning
Bronx. This ritual enabled the family to express to leave for over a year.
their deep sense of loss and sadness connected to After their separation. Candace became isolated
their forced migration while providing healing as from family and friends. She stopped participating
the ritual anchored them in a new life that could in- in any family rituals, giving the excuse that she was
clude elements of both El Salvador and the Bronx exhausted and had frequent headaches. It was clear
(Imber-Black & Roberts. 1992). to me that Candace w as suffering from many unac-
knowledged and unritualized losses —of her mar-
riage, her hoped-for first child, and all of her
THE EMERGENCE OF SYMPTOMS relationships with family and friends. Her many
Family cycle theorists (Carter & McGoldrick,

symptoms — sleeplessness, headaches, weight loss,
1980; Haley.
life
1973; Terkelson, 1980) have de-

hopelessness —w ere directly related to her unantic-
ipated divorce.
scribed the connection between normative life cy- Candace felt very ashamed that she had been left
cle derailment and the emergence of symptoms in by her husband. She stopped inviting anyone to her
individuals and families. Carter and McGoldrick home, since hosting people alone seemed to em-
(1980) alerted the clinician to assess for both hori- phasize her abandonment. This was in marked con-
zontal and vertical stressors in family development. trast to her earlier married life w hen her home had
Terkelson ( 1980) added the category "paranorma- been the center for all of the holidays and other rit-
tive" to include such transitions as marital separa- uals with her extended family and friends. She
called her house her "loneliness and her memo-
tion, illness, and severe extrinsic and unexpected
ries." I suggested that she might want to begin her
events with which a family must cope and under
healing by replacing some of the familiar and
the stress of which a family may become symp-
jointly owned items home with some new
in her
tomatic. Families who are experiencing idiosyn-
things that represented her individual tastes. As
cratic life cycle events and processes may be at
Candace began to put together a house that suited
particular risk for the development of symptoms in her. the acute depressive symptoms abated.
members. The convergence of lack of social sup- But for a long while. Candace was still unable to
port, intergenerational cut-oflfs and isolation, stigma. invite anvone to her home. "I feel like a stranse sort
of prisoner in m\ own home. But I'm not locked cooling party began with the new lock as a power-
in — other people are locked out." Candace told me. ful symbol of her autonomy after divorce. Many
I was intrigued with her metaphor of the lock. I
rituals include documents. Candace's invitation
wondered with Candace what effect a new lock on
became a document to announce her divorce, and
her door might have. Candace agreed to buy a new
the party allowed her to ask others for support.
lock and to simply sit with it each day and ask her-
Friends and family gathered to witness and cele-
self. "What would it take to put this new lock on my
brate her life cycle transition, just as they would
door — a lock 'hat I could open to my family and
with any other life cycle ritual.
friends?"
During that week. Candace went through many Although there are several categories of rituals
emotions — sadness, anger, a sense of betrayal. By that may be useful in therapy, three categories are
the end of the week, she felt ready to reclaim her particularly beneficial for idiosyncratic life cycle
life. She decided to make a special ritual, a "house- events and processes. These include transition ritu-
cooling party." She told me. "People usually have als, healing rituals, and identity redefinition rituals.
house-warming parties when they move to a new Transition rituals have been described exten-
home. I'd like to mark my divorce with some hu- sively by van der Hart (1983), primarily in refer-
mor and have a "house-cooling party." She de-
ence to normative life cycle transitions. Such
signed an invitation that read: "Please come to my
rituals mark and facilitate transitions of specific
house-cooling party. Please do bring gifts appropri-
members and of membership in the family, altering
ate for the lovely home of a single woman — I need
boundaries and making new relationship options
to replace the 'his and her' stuff!" Just before the
partv Candace had the new lock put on her front available. The transitions in idiosyncratic life cycle
door, symbolizing that she was now in charge of events and processes often have no rituals. Indeed,
her life (Imber-Black & Roberts, 1992). the family may not have anticipated the transition
and all of the relationship changes attendant on it.
THERAPEUTIC RITUALS
Many clinicians have described the efficacy of The Giving of Gifts
therapeutic rituals in facilitating systemic change.

A physician referred a family to me for therapy for
(Imber-Black, 1986a, 1986b; Imber Coppersmith, what was identified as depression in the mother.
1983, 1985; O'Connor. 1984; O'Connor & Hor- The family consisted of two parents. Mr. and Mrs.
witz, 1984; Palazzolli. Boscolo, Cecchin & Prata, Berry, and two young adult children. Karen, age
1977; Papp, 1984; Seltzer & Seltzer, 1983; van der 22. and Andrew, age 20. Karen was diagnosed as
Hart. 1983). Differing from simple tasks whose in- severely mentally retarded shortly after her birth.
tent is to target the behavioral level and that the Karen's pediatrician advised Mrs. Berry to quit her
therapist expects to be performed as prescribed, job and remain at home to care for Karen. Ex-
rituals are intended to effect the behavioral, cogni- tended family supported this advice and visited of-
tive, and affective levels, and the family or individ- ten while Karen and Andrew were small. The
parents were told that Karen would never function
ual is expected to improvise to tailor the ritual to
on her own and would always remain "like a
particular and personal circumstances. Rather than
child." Eventually. Karen went to a special school,
relying only on concrete instructions, rituals utilize
but the parents were never counseled in ways to
symbols and symbolic actions that may have mul-
prepare for Karen's adolescence or adulthood.
tiple meanings.
Karen developed language and self-care skills.
Therapeutic rituals draw on elements atten-
The family functioned well during Karen and An-
dant to normative life cycle rituals to highlight drew's childhood. However, as both children be-
similarities to others, while including unusual ele- came teenagers, severe difficulties arose. No one
ments that are capable of affirming differences in the nuclear or extended family knew how to
rather than hiding them. Thus. Candace's house- cope with Karen as an emerging young woman.
!
208 CHAPTER 12
Fearful that Karen might be exploited sexually, the arguments emerged, the therapist decided that a rit-
familybecame increasingly protective of her. An- ual to mark Karen's leaving home was needed. The
drew was required to spend most of his free time Berrys had stated frequently that they "didn't think
taking Karen to any outside events that were we had given Karen enough in order to equip her
scheduled by her special school, and he grew infor life in the outside community." This sense of
creasingly resentful and withdrawn. His own plans not having given her enough was intensified by the
to go away to college seemed impossible to him. school's criticism of the family. Their phrase
Karen became rebellious and difficult for the fam- "given her enough" was used to construct a leaving
ily to be with, and the parents felt that they had home ritual that would confirm Karen's young
failed her and needed to try harder. At the same adulthood, would promote the family's confidence
time, Karen's school began to push the family to in her and themselves, and would highlight ongo-
put Karen in a group home. This option had not ex- ing connectedness among the members.
isted at the time of Karen's birth and had never I asked the parents and Andrew each to select a
been anticipated by the family. For a period of two gift for Karen for her to take to her new home. I
years, the parents and the school struggled over suggested that they choose a gift that would remind
Karen's future. The parents were unable to articu- Karen of them and would also ease her way in her
late their fears to the school personnel, who saw new setting. Karen, in turn, was asked to select a
them as overinvolved with Karen. Consequently, gift for each member that would remain with them
adequate explanations of what the group home when she left. The family members were told not to
could offer Karen and her family were not forth- buy these gifts, but rather to choose something of
coming. During this time, everyone in the family their own or to make something. They were asked
deteriorated emotionally and functionally, culmi- to bring these gifts to the next session and not to tell
nating in the referral for family therapy by the anyone else in the family about their gift before the
mother's physician. session.
Through the course of a therapy in which I When the family arrived, they appeared very ex-
helped the family to anticipate the life cycle change cited and happy in a way that had not been seen be-
of Karen's eventually leaving home, and that richly fore during therapy. They had not shared their gifts
credited the family for their contributions to Karen, before the session but had decided during the two
the family became able to ask for and receive ade- weeks to wrap them and put them in a large bag.
quate information from the group home about which Karen carried into the meeting. Mrs. Berry
Karen's future there. As the leaving home was nor- began by saying that during that week, they had de-
malized, the parents were able to articulate expec- cided on a definite date for Karen to move out,
tations about visiting and holiday time together that which they had not been able to do previously.
would mark the relationship of most young adults Karen had gone for several visits to the group
and their families. Andrew became freer to live his home. She also said that there had been a lot of se-
own life and made plans for going away to college cretive laughter during the two weeks, as people
in four months, after Karen was to go to the group prepared their gifts, and no fighting
home. The family was preparing itself for many I suggested a format for the exchange of gifts
changes. However, as Karen began to visit the that was simple and largely nonverbal, which in-
group home, first for dinners and then for brief volved each member giving their gift, with a brief
overnights stays, conflicts began to break out be- explanation if needed, and the recipient simply say-
tween Karen and her parents. Mr. and Mrs. Berry ing "thank you." other discussion being reserved
became alarmed that Karen was not as ready to for after the gift exchange. This was done to high-
move out as they had thought. In a session alone light the family as a group together and to facilitate
with the therapist, they cried and said that they equal participation, since Karen often fell silent
feared for Karen's future. when verbal discussions became rapid.
Since the family had made so many changes in Mr. Berry began the ceremony. He reached into
the direction of Karen's leaving home and were on the bag and gave Karen an unusual-shaped pack-
the verge of completing the actual leaving when the age, which turned out to be his favorite frying pan.
Traditionally Mr. Bern, made Sunday breakfast. Berry had also returned to school to train for paid
Because Karen was learning some simple cooking employment.
skills in school, she always wanted to use this fry-
ing pan. but her father had been afraid that she
would ruin it and so had not let her use it. Karen DISCUSSION OF THE RITUAL
beamed and said, "Thank you." This leaving-home ritual seemed to function in a
Mrs. Berry's package was small, and she shyly
number of ways. Through the course of the family
handed it to Karen. It contained an almost full bot-
therapy, the family had been preparing for Karen's
tle of perfume and a pair of earrings. Mrs. Berry re-
leaving home but seemed to get stuck just on the
lated brieflv that she had often scolded Karen for
verge of her actual leaving. Like many normative
using her perfume and had never allowed her to
life cycle rituals, the therapeutic ritual worked to
wear earrings. She looked at Karen and said, "I
think you're grown up enough for these — they be-

confirm a process that was already in motion and
longed to my mother and she gave them to me and was not simply a discrete event. The ritual symbol-
now I'm giving them to you." With tears in her ically affirmed and made simultaneous the contra-
eyes, Karen said. "Thank you." dictions of separation and ongoing connectedness
The mood changed profoundly when it was An- that are involved when any child leaves home. The
drew 's turn. He remarked that he couldn't bring his family members, in their giving of gifts, were able
whole gift to the session, but that Karen would un- both to give permission for separation and affirm
derstand. She opened his package to find a partially their ongoing but changing relationships.
used box of birdseed. Leaving for school meant The ritual was designed to introduce symme-
that Andrew would have to leave his parakeet. He try into a system that had been primarily marked
had been allowed various pets at home, and had
by complementary relationships. Thus,
7
all mem-
been responsible for them, w hile Karen had not. He
bers participated in the giving and receiving of
explained that he had called Karen's group home,
gifts and in the planning and thoughtfulness that
and they would allow her to bring the bird. He said
went into gift selection, altering the previous pat-
that he would teach her to care for it before she
moved out. Karen said, "Thank you." and Mrs. tern in the family whereby the parents and Andrew
Berry expressed relief that the parakeet was leaving were seen to be the "givers." the "providers." the
home too. '"protectors." and Karen w as seen to be the recipi-
Karen then gave her gifts. To her mother. Karen ent of care, advice, and protection.
gave her favorite stuffed animal, which she had had The ritual was also designed to confirm indi-
since early childhood and with which she still slept. vidual boundaries as each member was individu-
She said to her mother. '"I can't sleep with this in ally responsible for his or her own planning and
my new home —please keep it." To her father, she selection of gifts. Individuation was promoted
gave a photograph of her that had been taken during through the instruction of secret planning by each
one of her visits at the group home. The photograph member. Dyadic relationships between Karen and
showed her sitting with several young men and every member were also confirmed, in a family
women, and she said to her father. "These are my
that had previously operated with triads involving
new friends." To Andrew, she gave her clock radio.
Karen as their primary mode of relationship. Fi-
This was a prized possession that had been a
nally,each member's contribution to the ritual
Christmas present. She gave it to Andrew and said.
was highlighted as important to the entire pro-
Don't be late for school!"
Two weeks cess, thus symbolically celebrating the whole
after this session. Karen moved
into the group home, and a month later. Andrew family unit. Thus, various aspects of the ritual
left for college. The family ended therapy. At functioned to introduce differences in pattern to
their one year follow-up. the family reported that the family system.
both children had adjusted well to their new set- By asking the family to bring their gifts to the
tings and were visiting home for holidays. Mrs. therapy session. I was able to serve as witness to
210 CHAPTER 12
the process. Witnesses are frequently a part of nor- have not succeeded, for losses of bodily parts and
mative life cycle rituals. Here, the therapist also functions due to illness, and for the often attendant
may be seen to symbolically represent an outside loss of roles, life expectations, and dreams (see
helping system in a celebratory stance with a fam- Imber Coppersmith, 1985, for case examples of
ily which had been used to criticism and disparage- healing rituals). Therapeutic healing rituals are
ment from outside systems. particularly useful when normative healing rituals
do not exist or are not sufficient for the magnitude
of the loss.
HEALING RITUALS
Setting Fire to the Past
Every culture has rituals to mark profound losses,
deal with the grief of survivors, and facilitate on- Alice Jeffers, age 35, requested therapy, saying
going life after such loss. There are many creative that she was depressed and unable to live her life
contemporary examples of cultural healing rituals. normally. Alice was single and lived alone. She
The Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, D.C., was a trained and practicing veterinarian. In the
is visited by families and friends who lost men and first session, she described to me an eight-year-
women in the war and make pilgrimages to the me- long relationship with a man. The relationship,
which had included periods of living together, had
morial, during which they search for their loved
been very stormy and had finally ended two years
one's name, perhaps leave items that have special
previously at his insistence. Alice's family had not
meaning, and often make rubbings to carry back
approved of the relationship. They were relieved
home. Public grieving for a war that held so much when it ended but seemed unable to extend any
secrecy and shame is facilitated by this repeated support to Alice for the pain she felt. Friends told
ritual. her that she was well rid of him. Over the two
The AIDS quilt, consisting of several thousand years, Alice grew increasingly isolated, and by the
hand-sewn patches, each memorializing a person time she came to therapy, she did not go out with
who has died of AIDS, is displayed with a powerful any friends, spent all her free time thinking about
ceremony in which all of the names of the dead are her former lover, dreamed about him nightly, had
read aloud as the quilt is unfolded in planned, repet- gained a lot of weight, and felt that her work was
being affected. Her family and friends' inability to
itive motions of connection and uplift. A quilt is
confirm her pain and loss seemed to contribute to
often a community endeavor. The AIDS quilt con-
her own need to do nothing else but think about
nects a community of mourners with a symbol of
him and feel sad. She said she felt that if she had
warmth and care.
been married and divorced, people would have
The Clothesline Project is a women's ritual been more supportive of her, as they had been of
devoted to recovery from abuse. A growing collec- her sister in such circumstances.
tion of hand-painted T-shirts is hung on a clothes- I began with simple confirmation of Alice's loss
line. This community ritual includes the ringing of and grief and highlighted that, indeed, there are no
gongs and bells and blowing of horns to symbolize agreed-upon processes for the end of a nonmarried
how often a woman is assaulted, raped, and mur- relationship. I asked Alice to perform a task that
dered. The marvelous contradiction of regaining would allow her both to grieve and to begin to get
on with other aspects of her life. For one hour a day,
power in the face of servitude is clearly contained
Alice was told to do nothing but review memories
in these hand-painted depictions of violence hung
of the relationship, since this was something that
ironically on a clothesline for all to see.
obviously still needed to be completed. I suggested
Healing may also be necessary for losses sus-
that she write these memories out on separate index
tained through the breakup of relationships, for the cards and bring them to the next session. Outside of
reconciliation of relationships after painful revela- the hour a day, I urged Alice to do other things.
tions such as affairs, for unresolved grief when Alice returned with a stack of index cards, which
normative healing rituals have not occurred or she had creatively color-coded, using purple for
" —
( R] \ 1ING MEANINGFUL RITUALS FOR NEW LIFE CYCLE TRANSITIONS 211
"mellow"" memories, green tor "jealous" memo- ously been unavailable because of her stuck po-
ries, and blue for "sad" memories. With laughter. sition vis-a-vis her boyfriend. She was able to re-
she stated. "And. ol course, my angry ones are negotiate several family relationships, began going
RED!" As the therapy session focused on the cards out more with friends, and joined a scuba class.
and their meanings. Alice stated that she had felt When therapy ended, she was beginning flying les-
much better during the three weeks, that she began sons, an apt metaphor for her new beginnings.
to find that an hour a day was too much time, and
that she had stopped dreaming about her former
love. I asked her whether there were cards she felt IDENTITY REDEFINITION RITUALS
ready to let go of. and she said that there were. She
Identity redefinition rituals function to remove
was asked to take all the cards home and sort them
wanted
labels and stigma from individuals, couples and
out. differentiating between those she still
go families and often realign relationships between

to hang on to and those she felt ready to let of.
Alice arrived two weeks later, dressed more the family and larger systems. This is especially
brightly than before and eager to talk. She had necessary when the larger systems have held neg-
started to go out with friends a bit and had looked ative points of view toward a family. A reworking
into an aerobics class. After reporting this, she took of an earlier idiosyncratic life cycle transition that
out two stacks of cards. She said she had decided went awry may be accomplished. New relation-
she w anted to keep the purple "mellow " memories, ship options, previously unavailable because of
as these w ere a part of her that she w anted to main-
the constraints of labels, become available (see
tain. She felt the good parts of the relationship had
Imber-Coppersmith. 1983). A balance of being both
changed her in positive ways, and she said she
similar to others and different from others be-
wanted to carry this into any new relationship she
might have. This was the first mention of a sense of
comes achievable.
future. She also wanted to keep most of the red "an-

A Mutual Adoption Celebration
ger" memories, as these helped her to remember
how shabbily she had been treated many times and I met Bob Simmons, a 37-year-old single gay man.
thus kept her from romanticizing the past. However about a year and a half after he had adopted his 9-
she was very ready to let go of the green "jealousy" year-old son. Alan. "We're definitely a new :
sort of
memories, which often made her feel bad about family." Bob told me in our first therapy session. "'I
herself, and the blue "sad" memories, as she felt don't have to tell you that as a gay man. I had to
that she had been sad long enough. At that point. I look all over the country to find an agency that
left the room and returned with a ceramic bow and 1 would let me adopt a child. It took me four years,
a book of matches, which I silently offered to Alice, but I finally succeeded."' Bob reflected proudly.
who smiled and said. "Oh. we should burn them!" Bob had found an agency across the country that
It is important to note that she saw the burning as a him make a home for Alan, a biracial child with
let
joint endeavor by herself and me. I handed the many special educational and emotional needs.
cards back to Alice, who put them in a pile in the Alan had been in six foster homes after his crack-
bowl and lit them. She used several matches to get addicted mother abandoned him when he was 2
a good fire going and then sat silently for several years old. He had been severely abused, both in his
moments watching the flames. At one point, she biological family and in at least three of his foster
said. "It's so final, but it's good." A few minutes homes. Now, living with Bob. Alan showed many
later, she joked. "We should toast marshmallows of the signs of an abused and neglected child. Alan
that would be the final irony." referring to the fact had learned to survive by drawing into himself,
that her boyfriend had often criticized her body and allowing little contact with others. Bob came to
her weight and yet brought her treats. Toward the family therapy to help his son. to build their rela-
end. she said. "This is good — my final memory is tionship, and to learn parenting strategies.
of warmth. As I met with Bob and his young son. Alan re-
In sessions after to the burning ntual. Alice dealt fused to talk to me. No doubt, having met many
with many family of origin issues that had previ- professionals whose jobs had been to move him
212 CHAPTER 12
from one place to another, Alan was not about to DESIGNING AND IMPLEMENTING RITUALS
take any risks with me. As Bob described his frus- FOR IDIOSYNCRATIC LIFE CYCLE
trations learning to parent, Alan sank lower and TRANSITIONS
lower in his chair. My many attempts to reach him
were met with shrugs and a cap pulled farther and Designing and implementing rituals such as those
farther over his eyes. "Tell me something," I said to discussed in this chapter, is a learnable skill. Sev-
Alan, "he adopted you, right?" "Right," Alan whis- eral guidelines will enhance this process.
pered in return. "Have you adopted him?" I asked.
1. Just as normative rituals are processes, rather
Alan's cap flew off, and his eyes grew as big as sau-
cers. He rose up in his seat. "Oh, how could I do than discrete events, so therapeutic rituals are part
that?" his voice boomed. "I don't know," I replied. of a larger therapeutic process. Their efficacy re-
"How do you think you could do that?" "I would lies on planning, careful assessment, especially re-
have to go to court and get some papers," Alan regarding life cycle phases and idiosyncratic life
plied. "I think you've hit on something important cycle events, and respect and rapport between fam-
here." Bob said. ily and therapist. The rituals intended here are not
For the rest of the session, we how
talked about
games or tricks, but rather rise out of a relational
Bob adopted Alan. As a gay man, he was made to
context that appreciates the ritualizing tendency of
feel stigmatized everywhere he turned to realize his
human beings and the need for meaning in human
dream of being a father. When he finally adopted
relationships.
Alan, he didn't make a celebration. There was no
ritual to mark and help make this critical transition.
2. The family and therapist search for the appro-
Most of Bob's friends couldn't understand his deci-

priate symbols and symbolic acts of the individual,
sion to be a single father. His sister yelled at him family, ethnic group, and cultural group, which rep-
over the phone that he had no right to be a parent. resents the possibility of relationship development.
When Bob and Alan began to live together as father Such symbols and metaphorical action should con-
and son, Bob was unprepared for how difficult nect the family with the familiar, while also being
parenting a boy who had been so abused would be. capable of leading to the unfamiliar.
He often told Alan how lucky he was to be in a nice 3. The family and therapist design the ritual
home. Without meaning to. Bob made Alan feel
with a focus on special time and special space.
that he was in a very unbalanced situation. When I
Thus, rituals may occur at a particular time or
asked Alan whether he had adopted Bob, I struck
over time. Time may be used to draw particular
an important chord of mutuality, one that excited
Alan with its possibilities.
distinctions or to highlight simultaneity. A sense
I met alone with Alan and told him that he

of connection to past, present, and future is made.
wouldn't need to go to court to adopt Bob. He The ritual may occur in the therapy session, at
would just need to write out his own document on home, or at some other agreed-upon place, such
his computer at home. We agreed to keep this pri- as by a body of water, in a woods, or in a ceme-
vate between us as he worked on a "certificate to tery. If the ritual requires a witness, then the ther-
adopt my dad." apy session is often the preferred time and space,
The therapy contained many other elements, in-
or the therapist may accompany the family to an
cluding helping Bob to set appropriate limits for
agreed-upon place.
Alan, reconnecting Bob to his own mother, who
4. The therapist attends to alternations in order
wanted to be a loving grandmother for Alan, and
to incorporate contradictions. Thus, holding on
aiding Bob in finding other single dads, both gay
and straight. When our therapy concluded. Bob and
may be alternated with letting go in a single ritual,
Alan invited Bob's mother and some new and sup- or a ritual of termination or separation may be fol-
portive friends over for a special ritual, a mutual lowed by a ritual of renewal or celebration.
adoption ceremony, in which Alan and Bob openly 5. The therapist looks for ways to involve the
adopted one another. family in codesigning the ritual to facilitate imag-

ination that may lead to problem solving and CONCLUSION

enhanced functioning. A sense of humor and play- Idiosyncratic life cycle events and transitions pose
fulness are used when appropriate.
particular difficulties for individuals and families.
6. Therapeutic rituals for idiosyncratic life cycle
Lacking available maps that fit their situation and
events borrow heavilj from normative rituals, yet
without wider contextual support and confirmation,
utilize symbols and symbolic actions that are rele-
complex feedback processes may be set in motion,
vant to the particular life cycle transition.
resulting in symptoms and a high level of distress
7. The therapist remains open to the family's de-
and isolation. Since rituals have the capacity to hold
velopment o\' the ritual, including their choice to
and express differences rather than homogenize
not perform the ritual. Therapeutic rituals, like nor-
them, they are particularly powerful resources for
mative rituals, should not be hollow events, prac-
any life cycle transition that differs from the con-
ticed simply because someone said to do it. Rather,
ventional. Therapy needs to include conversations
they are opportunities for the confirmation of exist-
about meaningful rituals. Creatively and sensitively
ing relationships and for the beginnings of relation-
crafted rituals, which both borrow richly from nor-
ship change. Family readiness must be carefully
mative life cycle rituals and are simultaneously
gauged and respected. In successful therapeutic
brand new. facilitate necessary transitions and the
rituals, the ritual and its outcome ultimately belong
expansion of relationship possibilities.
to the family.
REFERENCES
Carter. E. A.. & McGoldrick. M. (1980). The family Imber Coppersmith. E. (1985). We've got a secret: A
life cycle and family therapy. In E. A. Carter & M. non-marital marital therapy. In A. Gurman (Ed.),
McGoldrick (Eds.), The family life cycle: A Casebook of marital therapy, (pp. 369-386). New
framework forfamily therapy. New York: Gardner York:The Guilford Press.
Press. O'Connor. J. ( 1984). The resurrection of a magical real-
DeSilva, C. (Ed.). (1996). In memory's kitchen: A leg- ity: Treatment of functional migraine in a child.
acy from the women ofTerezin. New York: Jason Family Process, 23(A), 501-509.
Aronson. O'Connor, J., & Horwitz. A. N. (1984). The bogeyman
Haley. J. (1973). Uncommon therapy: Tlie psychiatric cometh: A strategic approach for difficult adoles-
techniques of Milton H. Erickson. New York: cents. Family Process, 23(2), 237-249.
Norton. Palazzoli. M.. Boscolo, L.. Cecehin. G.. & Prata. G.
Imber-Black, E. (1986a). Odysseys of a learner. In D. (1977). Family rituals: A powerful tool in family
Efron (Ed.). Journeys: Expansion of the strategic- therapy. Family Process. 16(A), 445^454.
systemic therapies. New York: Brunner/Mazel. Papp, P. ( 1984). The links between clinical and artistic
Imber-Black. E. (1986b). Towards a resource model in creativity. The Family Therapy Networker, 8(5),
systemic family therapy. In M. Karpel (Ed.), Family- 20-29.
resources, (pp. 148-174). New York: The Guilford Schwartzman, J. (1982). Symptoms and rituals: Para-
Press. doxical modes and social organization. Ethos. W( 1 ).
Imber-Black. E.. & Roberts, J. (1992). Rituals for our 3-23.

times: Celebrating, healing and changing our lives Seltzer, W., & Seltzer. M. (1983). Magic, material and
and our relationships. New York: HarperCollins. myth. Family Process, 22(1), 3-14.
Imber Coppersmith. E. (1983). From hyperactive to nor- Terkleson, K. G. (1980). Toward a theory of the famil)
mal but naughty: A multisystem partnership in life cycle. In E. A. Carter & M. McGoldrick (Eds. |,
delabeling. International Journal of Family Psychi- The Family life cycle: A framework for family ther-
atry, 3(2), 131-144. apy. New York: Gardner Press.
214 CHAPTER 12
van der Hart, O. (1983). Rituals in psychotherapy: Weingarten, K., & Weingarten Worthen, M. E. (1997). A
Transition and continuity. New York: Irvington narrative approach to understanding the illness ex-
Publishers. periences of a mother and daughter. Families, Sys-

Van Gennep, A. (1960). The rites of passage. Chicago: tems and Health. 15( 1 ), 4 1-54.
University of Chicago Press. Wolin, S.J., & Bennett, S. A. (1984). Family rituals.
Walzlawick. P. (1978). Tfie language of change: Ele- Family Process, 23(3), 401^120.
ments of therapeutic communication. New York:
Basic Books.
Chapter 13
BECOMING AN ADULT
LEAVING HOME AND
STAYING CONNECTED
RICHARD FULMER
In the 1970s, family therapy writers began to use a or too-extreme separation is meant to help promote
developmental view o\' family life to describe the their sons' independence and male identity.
changing goals of the family system through time. Clinically, this is the family life cycle phase
In that era. authors emphasized separation between when our clients may seem to be least "in relation-
children and their parents as one of the primary ships." In the middle class, children of both sexes
developmental tasks of young adulthood. Stierlin have left their family of origin and may not yet be
( 1977) and Haley ( 1980) especially focused on pa- married and raising their own families. But the im-
rental resistance to separation as a source of de- pact of their family of origin relationships is still
layed development in this phase. Since that time. primary, even though frequently unacknowledged.
we have become aware of the overemphasis in
the developmental literature placed on autonomy
and separation, particularly for male development, YOUNG ADULTHOOD:
which had previously been seen as the norm for DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS
both sexes. Studies of female development have
Work Tasks
broadened our understanding of the needs of both
men and women for connection and the ability to Young adults of all social classes depend on their
function independently, a basic aspect of Murray families for tangible and emotional support as they
Bowen's (1978) definition of maturity. Carol Gilli- develop themselves as workers. Support is neces-
gan (1982. 1991 ). for example, through her study sary for such an extended period that the young
of female development, drew our attention to the adult's goal in this era can be called "preparing for
need to develop "a healthy resistance to discon- productivity." The family's task, achieved by set-
nectedness" ( 1991. p. 241 ) while acquiring a "voice ting examples of how to approach work and pro-
of one's own." Coontz (1992). writing on a societal viding material and emotional support, can be seen
level, emphasized the way women's support of men as "enabling preparation."
in modern was determinedly unrecognized
families
to preserve the myth of rugged individualism.
Relationship Tasks
Miller (1976). Benjamin (1988). Bergman
(1991), and others have highlighted the importance In the realm of relationships, the young adults'
of relatedness in men's psychological development task more complex than "breaking ties." It is to
is
as well. Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum develop the ability to become as deeply attached to
( 1994) developed the idea that cultural norms have a few select others as one has been attached to fam-
permitted mothers to maintain relationships with ily members. I would like to call this family task
their daughters but have mistakenly pushed them "exporting relatedness." The quality of the inti-
to sever their bonds with their sons. This too-early mate relationships that young adults make will be
215
216 CHAPTER 13
influenced by the marital relationships they have something wrong when their temporarily empty
observed and the way they themselves have been nest is refilled. They may be relieved to find that it is
treated. Their ties with their parents endure, in part acommon, often planned practice, not the result of
in the form of the ongoing permission and support some failure. At any rate, this return to the home in
they receive from parents to transfer their affection young adulthood is often a convenient, temporary,
to a few appropriate strangers. and orderly way to prepare for adulthood, not al-
To correct the usual split between concern ways an indulgence of insecurity or irresponsibility.
for autonomy in male development and emo-
tional connectedness in female development, I
would emphasize the importance of relat-

like to LATE ADOLESCENCE OR EARLY YOUNG
edness in male development and to articulate the ADULTHOOD: AGE 18-21
need for a period of self-focus and separateness
Learning to Work
during young adulthood in female development
(see Chapter 2). Young men have always been expected to work at
cash-producing jobs to support first themselves and

then their families. Since the 1960s, women have
YOUNG ADULTHOOD IN THE 1990s
also increasingly used this period to prepare to en-
As real wages decrease and skill requirements for ter the workforce. Women of all social classes find
entry level jobs increase, it is taking longer for meaning work and want to increase their future
in
young adults to become

self-supporting. Econo- independence from men. They also know that real
mists report that "ayoung man under 25 years of wages have declined so much since the 1960s that it
age employed full time in 1994 earned 31 percent is very difficult for all but the most affluent families
less per week than what his same-aged counterpart to survive on the husband's income alone.
earned in 1973" (Sum, Togg, & Taggert, 1996. So for both sexes one of the primary tasks of
pp. 83-84). They describe this period of working early young adulthood is learning how to work.
but being unable to support a family as "economic This requires the young adult to form an interest in
adolescence" and note that it has greatly length- work for which others will pay. This sounds a little
ened in the last two decades. One striking piece of obvious, but it is by no means automatic. Many
evidence is that "the 1990 census revealed that adolescent interests must be considerably trans-
21 percent of 25-year olds were living with one formed to become a job or a career. Often, this can
or both parents, up from 15 percent in 1970" only be accomplished by trial and error and may
(Mogelonsky. 1996, p. 29). Some home af-
stay at involve a great deal of disappointment, refocusing.
ter graduating from high school. More return home and trying again. If a salable interest can be devel-
after having been away. In 1980-1994. 46 percent oped, young adults have the capacity to work with
of young men returned home for at least four great concentration and intensity. If they cannot
months same pe-
after their first departure. In the find an interest, they risk having to do work that
riod, only 36 percent of young women did so. At only remunerates but does not express any mean-
least one writer speculates that a possible reason ing about themselves. This process may involve
for this sex difference women have a greater
is that many false starts that may be sobering experiences
incentive to leave. Young men returning home may for the young adult and nerve-wracking for their
not lose much of their autonomy. Young women families.
tend to be drawn into more householding chores

(Haddock, 1996) and don't want to explain why a
Self-Involvement
boyfriend is still there in the morning.
Parents may be surprised by the return of their Young adulthood is a period when both men and
adult children. They may feel that they have done women may retreat from long-term relationship
BECOMING AN ADULT 217
commitments. The middle classes observe a sort of This ability to idealize (even if it somewhat
moratorium on famiK obligations. This permits a overestimates the mentor) is also a developmental
period of relative solitude, a time when young adults achievement. In The Sibling Society ( 1997), Rob-
may become more self-involved. They work to de- ert Bly argues that the loss of an age hierarchy in
velop themselves, in terms of both skills and per- American society has made such idealization
sonal maturity. Their acti\ ity does not return much nearly impossible. His is not the usual rant against
cash or sen ice to anyone else. disrespectful youth, however. He also cites the un-
willingness of older people to claim authority and
speak with wisdom. He tells of a bumper sticker
Idealism
displayed by some grandparents: "'We are spend-
Not having much life experience, many young ing our children's inheritance." He feels that older
adults try to guide themselves with values. They people are not spending, but squandering their
feel that problems can be solved by living in accor- ability to guide the young and resolve society's
dance with ideals and renouncing personal inter- conflicts. If everyone's goal is to play like chil-
est. They are also often grandiose, feeling that they dren, says he, we are a society of siblings, with no
can fairly easily avoid the mistakes they perceive one looking up and no one to look up to. Such a
their elders to have made. This arrogance may not leveling of age differences is particularly devastat-
be fully mature, but it may be a necessary matura- ing for young adults who need the opportunity to
tional stage on the way to the development of true idealize.
personal authority, something that we do not even

hope for until middle adulthood.
Perfect Love
Young adults" consciously held values may
often differ at least superficially from those of their Another manifestation of the idealism of this era is
parents. They may be quite righteous in their be- the search for a perfect love. Many young adults
liefs. If they are still accepting their parents' finan- are looking for a love partner whom they can value
cial support, they may have to tolerate the moral and be valued by so intensely that all ambivalence,
dilemma of holding a benefactor in contempt. uncertainty, self-doubts, sadness, and fears of the
future are swept away forever. They hope to be cre-
ated anew, this time by the love of an ideal alterna-
Mentors
tive to imperfect parents. This is not a desire for
While this is a time of more or less polite contempt true relatedness, but a wish for fusion, a desire to
toward parents and their allies, the moral simplic- be fulfilled without effort and without the respon-
ity of young adults permits them to idealize the one sibility to be a separate individual oneself.
or two teachers they may admire. This personal re- This search for perfect love is often an impor-
lationship to a mentor is extremely important. It tant transaction between the young adult and his
m serve as a bridge between immersion in family or her family of origin. Young adults are often ea-
.d greater self-definition. It can be a way to sub- ger to find someone outside their family to affirm
mit to learning at an intense rate without a loss of the experimental part of their identities. It is a
pride. This worshipful relationship holds dangers, heady experience to be discovered and loved by
however, if the mentor uses the relationship to his someone who is brand new and whose love is not
or her own advantage. Young adults are especially routine or based on role obligations. It is very grat-
vulnerable to leaders of cults and gangs. Such ifying to feel so needed by the other. Often, the
groups offer an idealistic focus, moral simplicity, perfect lover will be different in some important
and a socially reinforced identity that ease the fears way from parents. This may be an attempt to dis-
of meaninglessness, disorganization, and loneli- play to parents the young adult's independence.
ness that beset young adults. The perfect love may also represent an attempt to
218 CHAPTER 13
solve certain problems that the young adult expe- to some substance are at serious risk of getting
rienced in family of origin. caught here.
The loved one may be someone who needs the
young adult's help. The hope of being able to save
From Self-Involvement to Beginning
someone is a seductive lure for both young women
to Think Like a Householder
and young men. It promises an increase in status
(from being taken care of to taking care), an affir- Early young adulthood, like late adolescence, is
mation of a grandiose self-image, a chance to sur- characterized by grandiosity, idealism, idealiza-

pass parents at parenting, and an enactment of tion, intense work, and using relationships to de-
personal idealism. The helped partner must neces- fine the self. These are gradually replaced by a
sarily have some problems (drug abuse, low social more realistic view of what can be accomplished,
status, financial or academic difficulties, or emo- a more complex, situation-based morality, disillu-
tional disturbance) for the lover to help them with. sionment, a focusing of work interests, and a wish
That their child becomes so intensely involved for a home.
with an underfunctioning partner is usually agony This last desire raises the importance of rela-
for parents. tionships in the personal economy of both men and

Efforts to break up the relationship may be women. In the television series Taxi, Louie com-
surreptitiously accepted by the daughters or sons if plained about how his girlfriend, Zena, had "ru-
they are already looking for a way out, or parental ined" (his) life. "Before." he said, "I used to be
disapproval may hold the couple together, some- perfectly happy just sitting and watching the Mets
times at considerable risk to the participants. Per- game! Now I'm not happy unless I'm sitting
fect love is. of course, never perfect, and it never watching the game with Zena!" For many, this
lasts. When the transition from adolescent-in-family wish for an attachment to a particular other person
to adult-between-families has progressed some- becomes a primary concern. What I think is going
what, the need for such love diminishes, and its on here is a wish to reproduce a good version of the
imperfections can be evaluated realistically. The family of origin, beginning with an ideal couple.
wounded lovers may approach their next relation- The particular candidate for spouse is meant to fill
ship with more grounded idealism. in the deficits and resolve many of the conflicts ex-
perienced in that family. Now a gratifying relation-
ship (but not necessarily marriage) becomes the
Alcohol and Drugs
most important objective. As that occurs, the sin-
Early young adulthood is the period when gleness of purpose of earlier young adulthood is
consciousness-altering drugs— such as coffee, mar- lost. A more complex balancing of the needs of self
ijuana, alcohol, hallucinogens, cocaine, pills, and and other begins, necessitating compromise of am-
heroin — are most enthusiastically used. There bitions, values, even ideals. This is the beginning of
must be multiple reasons for this — the exercise of a shift from the self-involved identity to the identity
freedom from parental supervision, a social lu- of the householder. Romantic partners are now
bricant for the many anxiety-filled social con- measured not only by whether they are fun to be
tacts of the period, or an aid to ecstatic, with, but also by how well they will fit in the young
sometimes sexual celebration at parties. Other adult's program for an ideal family. Interest shifts
possible reasons for such excess may be a desire from the difficult task of definition of the self to the
to transcend the self, resolve inner conflicts, and even more complex project of definition of a family
find at least a temporary sense of certainty during and self-in-a-family. In the middle class, marriage
such an uncertain time of While most will
life. is often still delayed, but imagined scenarios of
emerge from this phase eventually, young people householding begin to influence goals and the way
whose family members are or have been addicted in which romantic partners are evaluated.
BECOMING AN ADl'LT 219
While each try-out partner can fulfil] some had been important in their lives. They don't ab-
part o( their partners imagined family scenario. stain from alcohol entirely but do drink less. The
they surely will not till all parts perfectly. The part- exceptions, of course, are people who have be-
ner, of course, has a program and a role lor them as come addicted. During early young adulthood.
well. It is important tor the indi\ iduals to be able to when so many are using alcohol and drugs exces-
shift their emotional investment from the fanta- sively, it is difficult to diagnose alcoholism (unless
sized "perfect" love o\ early young adulthood to a there is a strong preadult and/or family history of
real person who is free and ready to enact a rela- drug or alcohol abuse). But in later adulthood.
tionship in the present. This is a difficult transition many of the maturational reasons for substance
in love that requires wisdom and is often imper- abuse have passed. It can now clearly be seen as a
fectly made. It requires gi\ ing up some part of a compulsion and addressed as such clinically.
treasured ideal in return for a life. These experiences — the acquisition of real
As realism replaces grandiosity, young adults satisfactions, the need to consider the needs of at
may enjoy actually making some of their dreams least one other as well as one's own, the realization
come true. They may also have a sense of disap- that many fantasies cannot be pursued, sobriety
pointment in that the fantasy o\' many possibilities itself— are the beginnings of the householder iden-
is reduced to just a few realities. They may have a tity, the hallmarks of later young adulthood.
new sense of the passage of time when they realize
that the "getting ready" of early young adulthood
ISSUES FOR THE FAMTEY
is o\er.
Parents often anticipate this period w ith a mixture

of relief and dread. As children no longer need
Mentors — Disillusionment daily care, certain chores (particularly for the
Later young adulthood may be a time when indi- homemaker) are lightened. When her youngest
viduals become disillusioned with their mentors. children (twins) left for college, my sister re-
Just as the ability to idealize was an achievement, marked to her husband. "I cleaned this area yester-
the ability to view mentors realistically is a further day, and it's still clean!... and we've got leftovers!"
achievement. This experience can be depressing. However, the era also brings a difficult mix of a di-
however, as the heads feeling of "having the an- minished ability to monitor, influence, and protect
swer" begins to erode. Young adults may feel that children and the feeling (and reality) of continued
their mentors have deceived them and end their re- responsibility for them.
lationships in a storm of bitter disappointment. Or
they may simply grow away from the mentors, los-
ing interest in their charisma.
How Financial Support
Affects the Relationship
As they do, they sometimes view their own
fervent, grandiose young adulthoods with some One of the ways in which parents continue to be re-
rueful embarrassment. To paraphrase Mark Twain: sponsible for children is financially.
At 1 8 young adults may think their parents to be In the days when apprenticeship was a stan-
the most ignorant people in the world. At 25, dard way of acquiring work skills, children could
they are amazed at how much those parents have at least earn room and board in exchange for ser-
learned in a few short years. vice from a relatively early age. Now that the need
for physical skills is somuch less, technical skills
are necessary for even many entry-level jobs. Prep-

Alcohol and Drugs in Later Young Adulthood
aration for professional careers requires six to ten
After age 25. many individuals gradually back years of higher education, and virtually no young
away from intense drug and alcohol use even if it adults can support themselves for all that time.
220 CHAPTER 13
They must be supported by their families, either This can be a time of real deprivation for par-
with cash or room and board until they can reliably ents if they feel that their values are not being car-
produce a living wage. Many young adults find ried forward. They may have to turn to each other
their financial dependence during this period hu- or to other adults for support. Others may help
miliating, especially if attention is drawn to it. them to see their legacy represented in the under-
Some expect it as their due. lying process of their children's independence or

While our technological society thus requires creativity rather than focusing only on how their
more years of financial dependency, it still puts a behavior appears so discontinuous with the family
very high value on individual freedom of expres- from which they just emerged.
sion. Young adults often manage this built-in con- If adult children represent the theme of adven-
tradiction by righteously demanding that all their ture and risk, parents represent the theme of safety.
choices be free from parental influence while ig- It is very anxiety-provoking for them to bear the
noring and concealing from themselves their con- necessary try-out activities and mistakes of their
tinued financial reliance on parental sacrifice. It is, children. This anxiety often turns into judgmental
however, almost impossible to be emotionally in- exhortations to stop "thrashing around" or "wast-
dependent if one is financially dependent. ing time." Grown children may respond to such
Parents may not particularly mind the respon- criticisms with hurt feelings or lowered self-es-
sibility in that it is usually one that they expected. teem. They may try to defend themselves by deval-
However, they may feel that their support entitles uing their parents* wisdom, isolating themselves
them to inquire about, even comment on, their from all contact so as to avoid criticism, or com-
now-grown children's behavior. Those children, plying with anxiety-driven parental urging by pre-
trying hard to achieve at least the feeling of inde- maturely committing themselves to a job or field
pendence, may complain that continued parental of study about which they are ambivalent. Parents
guidance compromises their aspirations. In afflu- themselves may have recovered from a chaotic,
ent families, the education required to reproduce even life-threatening young adulthood. They may
such affluence may require financial support for find it unbearable to see their children seem to set
many years. When a family's limits are reached, their feet on the same road.
parents may have to make hard decisions about
how to allocate funds between different children,
Family Dynamics
arousing rivalrous feelings among them.
If the departing young adult is a first born, parents
may then turn their attention more fully to younger
Continuity versus Innovation
siblings who remain at home. Those siblings may
For their adult children, parents usually represent grow into the space vacated by the older, with
the theme of continuity as well as support. They mixed consequences. A formerly crowded living
provide the site for celebration of family life cycle situation may be relieved if a sibling can move into
events and the continued observance of family hol- the now-empty bedroom or even just expand more
idays. They communicate their wishes for the adult fully into a formerly shared bedroom. The older
children to continue to enact the values of the fam- child may feel dispossessed, however, and that he
ily in their choice of work, friends, religious prac- or she has lost ahome base, even if only as an idea.
tice, and cultural style. In return for their support, The older child may be very deliberate about re-
they hope for loyalty from their children. Because turning at holidays or summer vacations, demand-
young adults are especially prone to take advantage ing full reinstatement and creating severe conflict
of their newfound freedom by trying to do things with the now older and stronger usurper.
differently, parents are often forced to refine and I have seen this happen in poor families as
clarify what they consider to be most important. well. In one family, we discovered that an 8-year-
old boy who was having difficulties had recently tional separation from family), producing displays
begun sleeping with his mother. His adult sister of strength, risk taking, public drunkenness, will-
had returned home to recover from a horrendous ingness to fight other men. dating, and performing
crack episode and took back the couch he usually sexuall) with women. Anxiety about success in
slept on, which had been hers as an adolescent. pirn ing manhood can make young men especially
homophobic. One further issue is that such expec-
tations for men are so ubiquitous and unexamined
Parents' Relationship
in the straight male community that they are often
As children move on. parents may turn back to each not even conscious. They are just accepted as the
other as a couple. It re\ i\ ing the couple relationship nature of things. They are often not discussed
is successful, it can till in the loss of day-to-day pa- among straight men for fear that such discussion it-
rental activities and contact with children. If paren- self implies a questioning that threatens one's
tal activities have been a welcome distraction from manhood. For this reason, it is often useful clini-
marital discord, these problems may reemerge with cally to explicitly discuss these expectations with
disruptive effect. If a marriage that was held to- young males and their families in therapy. It may
gether for the sake of child-rearing is now dissolved, be freeing for both to examine their assumptions
young adults may feel that their loyalties must be and develop more positive definitions of straight
divided and the continuity of their family is inter- male adulthood.

rupted, leaving them to fend for themselves. Not surprisingly, straight young adult men are
the age group and sex that commits the largest
number of violent crimes. Of persons arrested for
YOUNG ADULTHOOD FOR
murder and manslaughter, 90 per cent are males
HETEROSEXUAL MEN
and 40 per cent are between the ages of 18 and 24.
Many writers (Badinter. 1996: Gilmore. 1990) be- The largest group of murder victims is males from
lieve that heterosexual manhood is not something ages 20 to 24 (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1996).
that occurs automatically as part of the ordinary Being responsible for such a hugely disproportion-
development of life. They feel it must be achieved ate share of violent crime, straight young men are
or proven, leaving masculine identity in doubt un- understandably the most feared group in any soci-
til it is. Early young adulthood is the era when such ety. Every culture must struggle with the problem
proofs are expected —by the young man himself, of what to do with this highly energetic, highly
his family, and society at large. dangerous group. One strategy is to imprison them,
Michael Kimmel deplores this pressure in which our society does increasingly every year. An-
Manhood America 1996) when he says, "Ev-
in ( other strategy is to harness their idealism and dar-
ery arena becomes a masculine testing ground" ing by sending them to kill and be killed in war.
(p. 331). Heterosexual manhood is negatively de- Silverstein and Rashbaum (1994) and Miller
fined in three main ways: A man is not a boy, not a (1976) argue strongly that our separation-based
woman, and not a homosexual. A deviation from theories of development underestimate how much
these standards is strongly censured by shaming these men "long for an affiliative mode of living"
and exclusion from the straight male (and often fe- (Miller. 1976, p. 88). Silverstein and Rashbaum
male) community. The narrowness of adult hetero- present many convincing cases of premature or too
sexual sex-role expectations may make men feel extreme separations between mothers and sons
that they can never gain adult status without re- that leave sons with feelings of depression and
nouncing important parts of themselves (Kilmar- longing that endure well into adult life. Such
tin. 1994. p. 100). yearnings also may fuel young men's fantasies of
manhood can be achieved by in-
Heterosexual an ideal love that will fill up their feelings of emp-
dependent functioning (both in physical and emo- tiness. Attachment to such fantasies may interfere
222 CHAPTER 13
with attachment to a real, possible woman, pro- felt that from his early childhood, his father had un-
longing some of the unrealistic idealism of young fairly high expectations of him and had been less
adulthood inappropriately. demanding of, and more generous to, his younger
and Rashbaum's sister. Although he appreciated that Al had consis-

Silverstein clinical approach
tently provided financial support, he felt that Al had
is first to interpret and acknowledge these some-
been critical and intrusive and expressed far too
times as yet unnamed yearnings. They encourage
much anger when Charles disappointed him or was
appropriate delays in physical separations and ad-
not compliant. Al agreed that he had yelled too
vocate reconciliation between too distant moth-
loudly and too often at Charles as a young child. He
ers and sons. The title of their book aimed is at felt that he had realized that when Charles was still
mothers in particular, encouraging them not to young, however, and had gone into extensive psy-
break with their sons of any age too soon or too chotherapy to get control of his temper. Charles had
extremely. lived in a joint arrangement with both of his parents
Straight young men thus face two particular after their divorce. Al felt that his efforts at decreas-
dangers in this era. If they fail to meet society's ing his reactivity had been successful and that their
disputes during Charles's adolescence had been of
definitions of courage and independence, they may
normal intensity.
end young adulthood with a feeling of defeat
their
However, Al and Charles had had a very intense
and unworthiness. Such a lack of pride may put
verbal argument during Charles' junior year of
their marriage and middle adulthood under a cloud
high school. Charles left Al's home that night, went
of shame and regret.
to his mother's, and had not slept under Al's roof
The opposite danger is that in a misguided ef- in the six years since. They had maintained a fairly
fort to prove himself, the young man will prema- cordial but not intimate relationship until Charles's
turely cut himself off from necessary support, junior year of college but then had broken bitterly
creating an emptiness that he may inappropriately over a car Al had bought for Charles.
expect a wife to fill. Such emptiness may also be Charles had paid for some of his own parking
expressed in cynicism, a rejection of any values tickets but not all. Al, as the owner of record, had
other than immediate pleasures, and a loss of pro- been responsible for the rest. After many argu-
ments, phone messages, and unanswered letters, Al
fessional and relationship aspirations.
had repossessed the car and sold it, keeping the pro-
Al, a very successful 53-year-old businessman, ceeds. Charles felt that he should at least have re-
called me to help him negotiate an estrangement ceived the cash value of the car. Father and son
between himself and his 23-year-old son, Charles. were no longer speaking.
Charles and his 19-year-old sister, Meg, were the I first met with Al alone a number of times to
product of Al's first marriage to Betty, which had gather his story of the cut-off and its place in the
ended in divorce when Charles was 9. "'Ended" is history and structure of the family. My first meeting"
not quite accurate, however, because legal battles with Charles included his mother, Betty, who
had endured between Al and Betty for twelve explicitly and firmly endorsed the idea that she
years after the divorce. Al felt that Betty had set wanted Charles to have a relationship with his fa-
He had made a successful

Charles against him. ther even though she had some residue of resent-
second marriage when Charles was 12, and ment toward him.
Charles got along reasonably well with Al's sec- I met with Al and Charles separately for some
ond wife. months. Al was paying for the sessions. Money was
Charles, a bright and able young man, had grad- such a toxic issue between them, however, that I ad-
ually stopped attending classes and dropped out of vised him to avoid offering any further financial
college late in his junior year. He was reluctant to support to his son. I also suggested to Charles that
discuss with me his reasons for doing so and cer- he avoid requesting any. I eventually began to work
tainly had not shared them with his father. Al had with each of them on letters to the other about the
been paying his tuition and living expenses and feelings that led to the estrangement. This was slow
wanted to be more completely informed. Charles going. Their mutual resentment was modified, but
the issue of the car remained explosive. Both were some time. Charles introduced his serious girl-
still quite reactive to the other's accusations. friend to Al at one of these dinners.
Charles didn't w ant to meet lace to face with his fa- Over several months, Al and Charles eventually
ther until his wishes about the proceeds of the car became less reactive to each other. Charles, with
had been satisfied some ups and downs, began to work harder and be
Eventually, a famiK circumstance eased this im- more successful at starting up a service business
passe. Al's father became very ill. convalesced for a with excellent prospects. Al was an interested advi-
while at Al's home, and then died. Al had a chance sor but not an investor in it. Eventually, Charles be-
to rework some o\ his antagonistic relationship gan to visit Al's home for holiday parties and even
with his own father and accept some of his father's to sleep over there for the first time since high
limitations. He was satisfied with his own behavior school. Charles's mother even attended some gath-
toward his father and resolved anew to overcome erings at Al's house, and Charles saw them talking
any limitations in himself with Charles. together. Two items could still not be discussed
Al and Charles met and spoke to each other at fully: whether or not Charles intended to complete
the funeral. Perhaps even more important. Bett\ at- his undergraduate degree and the disposition of
tended the funeral also, and Charles saw her speak- money from the sale of the car which Al had repos-
ing w uh Al. The extended family reorganized itself sessed. Eventually, even the first of these could be
without its patriarch. Charles had inherited some approached, and Charles began to investigate alter-
money in a trust from his grandfather, which made natives for completion of his schooling.
him less needful of his father's direct financial
This case illustrates characteristic conflicts for
support. Al ascended to the position of the senior
each generation. For Charles, the issues of divided
leader of the family. He was the executor of his fa-
ther's estate and the trustee for Charles's inherit-
loyalties between his father and his mother, his de-
ance. Seeing mother and father speaking together pendency versus his wish to demonstrate his in-
cordially may have made Charles feel that he did dependence through defiance and distancing, his
not have to choose between them. He may have wish to please his father and meet his expectations
been eager to know the amount and terms of his in- of him versus his wish to develop self-respect and
heritance. He may have felt relieved that he now not be so dependent on his father's approval were
had money of his own (even if in trust) and no all of particular importance.
longer was dependent on his father. He may have
In the parental generation. Al was struggling
seen that continuing to demand compensation for
with the conflict of wanting to help his child and
the car would only block his access to a far greater
protect him from frustration versus his wish for
amount in the trust. At any rate, he now requested a
meeting with his father.
Charles to be independent. He had to heal his own
Al had always wanted face-to-face sessions. He conflict with Charles's mother. He had to also re-
was now suspicious that Charles was dropping his solve some of his own unfulfilled wishes to be ap-
condition only to gain access to the trust, but he proved by his own father. Betty had to continue
agreed immediately to meet. Each developed agen- supporting the father-son relationship, and even-
das, nonprovocative strategies, and ways to avoid tually, she and Al even moved to heal their own
reacting to what they anticipated as the other's pos- antagonisms.
sible provocations. Al and Charles finally began This case was also characteristic in that a lot
coming to sessions together. These early sessions
of the recovery took place in real time: that is. it
were tense and antagonistic. They began to follow
took place over years and took advantage of matu-
their weekly sessions by going out to dinner to-
rational changes in both Charles and his parents. It
gether. For some months, their weekly session and
the subsequent dinner were their only contact. See-
was also characteristic in that the outcome was in-
ing the danger of their continued reactivity to each complete. Certain topics were still too explosive
other. Al and Charles proposed never to discuss for discussion. Relationships between parents and
anything at dinner that they had been discussing in children are not usually fully resolved in young
therapy. They kept this boundary flawlessly. After adulthood: nor should we expect them to be.
224 CHAPTER 13
Charles's dropping out of college could be which to develop their skills and their knowledge
seen as evidence of some difficulty in traversing his of themselves.
young adulthood. A good part of Charles's ability to Kerr (1994) distills from the biographies of
become more independent was his renunciation of eminent women some common characteristics that
wishes for revenge on his father and his developing enabled them to succeed, including the opportu-
neutrality and emotional distance from his parents' nity to have time alone, the chance to be connected
acrimonious divorce. Al's success as the parent of a to others without losing "separateness," and the
young adult also required him to give up some of ability to know their own feelings. I have encoun-
his personal hopes for his son without giving up on tered many women in midlife who are quite will-
him. to help him just enough but not too much, and ingly involved in a network of relationships to
to focus on the relationship rather then the right or family of origin, family of procreation, friends,
wrongness of Charles's path. This permitted him to and career. These highly related women look back
draw closer without abandoning his parental stan- with relish, however, to a period in young adult-
dards. Al found a parental role in Charles's adult hood when they had fewer commitments. During
life as family holiday maker (now even inviting such a period, they may have traveled, had lovers,
Charles's mother) and business advisor without sup- worked hard, or sowed wild oats. They generally
plying the direct financial support that he felt had felt free to enact or postpone relationships. Some
been excessive in the past. Coaching Al and women who missed such a period say regretfully,
Charles to abandon their vengefulness. clarify their "I never lived alone" or "I never did anything just
desires, and control their reactivity was still neces- for myself." They wonder whether their adult life
sary to heal the relationship. might have started at a higher level if they had had
a period of self-determination, when they were not
so set about by obligations to others.
YOUNG ADULTHOOD FOR
For women who go to college, it is often as-
HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN
sumed by their own families that they will not
Women's lives have been lived more "in relation- marry as undergraduates. For professional women
ship" than men's at every stage. For many years, taking higher degrees, it is increasingly expected
women married out of one household and into an- that they will delay marriage even longer. Coontz
other. In the last few decades, however, middle- (1992) contends that for many women, marriage is
and upper-class women have experienced a major no longer the "transition to adulthood" it once was.
change. They, like men, often leave home and live She notes. "The average age for marriage has risen
alone before marrying. For this reason, young by six years since 1950. More than three-quarters
adulthood for these women can be the era of their of today's 18-to-24-year-old men and women have
lives that is least centered on relationships. never married" (p. 181 ).
Young adult women are not expected to be During this era, aspiring professional women
quite as independent and separate as men, how- often anticipate that they can "have it all," by using
ever. They are also not expected to prove their a strategy of getting their careers going first and
adult gender identity in quite the same way. They adding a husband and children later. They don't
are permitted and expected to maintain related- expect to have to choose between work and family.
ness. However, they also are more subject to a Some women who are currently middle-aged look
feeling of continued obligation to family and back at their similar expectations when they were
friends. Society does not expect them to be self- young adults and now consider them naive.
involved, so they receive much more pressure than McKenna (1997) feels that young women must
men to set aside their needs and give service to hide from themselves the fact that in entering the
others. When they can afford it. young women at- world of professional work, they are accepting rules
tempt to create a relatively self-involved period in created by a male culture. Some may energetically
disidentify with the unremunerated work (child cut off from one's family of origin with a deep loss
care, housework, friendship, partnering) their of continuity and support.

mothers did. Their mothers may strongly support Some gay men turn toward householding
this, wanting their daughters to have more alterna- identities in later young adulthood, leading highly
tives than were available to them. Buying into male related lives with partners and friends. Others stay
devaluing of unremunerated domestic work has a single well into their middle adulthood. They may
price in later life cycle stages for both women and live the more work- and self-focused lives of art-
men, but neither sex experiences it as much of a ists, retaining their intense concentration on their
conflict in young adulthood (McKenna, 1997). It is aspirations rather than being caught up in the di-
consistent with the ascetic, work-oriented,immor- vided lives of householders. A radical interruption
tal grandiosity of young adulthood. in this style is demonstrated by the legions of gay
men who have voluntarily nursed their lovers,
friends, and even strangers through the throes of
YOUNG ADULTHOOD FOR GAY MEN
HIV-AIDS related illnesses. Far fewer straight
Most gay men report having had some strong feel- men have done such work for their sick wives or
ing of being gay in early adolescence (Merla, close male friends, especially when they could get
1996). Looking back, many see signs that occurred women to do it.
even earlier in childhood, but they didn't acquire

the organizing concept of a gay identity until ado-
David was a 23-year-old Master's candidate in
lescence. Such youths often feel quite isolated,
graduate school who considered himself a tradi-
both from other gay friends and from a larger gay
tional Jew. His parents were not as observant them-
community, but even if they know that they are selves, although they had become more so over the
gay, few come out as adolescents (Rotheram- years. His sexual fantasies were almost exclusively
Borus, 1995). about other men. He definitely did not want to be
Coming out is a many-stage process (Chan- gay, however. Homosexuality was proscribed by
dler, 1997, p. 126) that continues throughout life, his religious beliefs, but this was not his primary
but young adulthood is the time when it is most resistance to the idea. He had a strongly held ideal
often begun. While young adulthood holds many to be married to a woman and have a family with
her.
challenges for gay men, it may also come as a re-
During his therapy, he struggled with this contra-
lief, particularly for those who wish to enact their
diction between his ideals and his actual desires.
gay identity They have the freedom to leave
at last.
He tried several relationships with attractive
home, find community in which being gay is
a
women, but these all fizzled out. He entertained in
more accepted, and actively seek the company of fantasy and rejected the following compromise
other gay men. They are not as concerned with life-styles: a celibate, solitary life; a marriage to a
proving their masculinity in the same way as woman in which they had intercourse for reproduc-
straight men, so they commit less violent crime. tive purposes but were otherwise celibate; a gay
Gay young adults face an extra readjustment marriage in which he and his partner adopted chil-
in their relationships with their families of origin if dren; a single, celibate life in which he adopted
coming out them children alone; joining a gay synagogue to attempt
they are to for the first time. They
to reconcile his sexual desires with his religious
often report having felt like outsiders to their fam-
morality.
ilies for some time. It may befrom such
a relief
He was adamant about feeling the urge but not
estrangement to be more authentic and open.
wanting to have gay sex, about wanting to be
Unfortunately, however, they often confront de-
straight but not feeling any urges to have straight
nial, anger, criticism, or rejection from at least sex, and wanting (and deeply enjoying) his practice
some family members. While their families may of traditional Judaism. The incompatibility of these
mellow with time, this can be a period of feeling conflicting wishes and life plans left him in despair.
226 CHAPTER 13
One night, in an especially hopeless mood, he his irreconcilable contradictions were still in place,
impulsively took a large amount of Tylenol, at- but he was no longer so hopeless.
tempting to reach what he considered to be a lethal
This case illustrates the difficulty of accepting
dose. After a few hours, he reconsidered and pre-
sented himself at a hospital's psychiatric emer-
a socially disapproved identity, especially when
gency room. He was hospitalized as a medical case that disapproval is internalized. In this case. David's
but seen by a liaison psychiatrist. This suicide family ideals were a way of maintaining continuity
attempt was shocking and unexpected by both of with his family of origin and being consistent with
us. David was unharmed physically. He eventually religious beliefs that dictate a great deal about how
made a full recovery, but the dose was a dangerous everyday life should be was hardly a simple
led. It
one. During this period. I visited him daily in the matter to accept a sexual identity that was incon-
hospital for a week. with these ideals.
sistent
This sobering event had a number of effects.
His unexpected, impulsive suicide attempt
David was very happy that he had not died or
may be characteristic for gay young men. Several
harmed himself. During his week in the hospital, he
studies find that incidence of suicide attempts is
developed the conviction that whatever resolution
much higher for gay young adults than for the gen-
he made of the contradictions that tortured him,
that resolution was going to include his being alive.
eral population (Remafedi. Farrow & Deisher, 1991;
Before his suicide attempt, we had discussed Schneider. Farberow & Kruks, 1989). (Remafedi.
David's telling his parents of his concern that he 1995) also surmises that suicide attempts by gays
might be gay. He was unwilling to broach the sub- may not always be preceded by signs of clinical
ject with them. After the attempt, we agreed that it depression.
was necessary to tell them why he was feeling so
bad, but he recoiled from discussing his gay-
still
YOUNG ADULTHOOD FOR LESBIANS
ness. He felt that discussing it would make it too real
and that he might have to profess it with a degree of Young lesbians also do not usually come out until
certainty and specificity that he did not feel. He also young adulthood. They tend to bond earlier into sta-
felt ashamed of it and especially did not want to ex- ble couples than gay men do. Because their identity-
pose himself to his own idea of his parents' moral is then partially expressed as a member of a partner-
judgment, even though they did not have a history of
ship, they want to present themselves as couples
being especially judgmental. After his suicide at-
to their families (just as married heterosexuals do).
tempt, however, it seemed that some discussion of
Their appearing as a couple makes their homosexu-
his motives was unavoidable. On his posthospital
visit home, he did tell them that he felt he might be
ality much more difficult for their families to deny,
gay and did not want to be. At the same time, he told
however. They may wish to visit or attend family rit-
them that he wasn't ready to discuss the subject fur- uals with their partners, forcing themselves, their
ther. They were surprised but accepting and indi- partners, and their families to decide how "out" they
cated an openness to further discussion if he wanted want to be. If the partner isn't welcome, the young
it. He was comfortable with the limits of his disclo- adult has a hard choice, as does the family.
sure, and their nonintrusive acceptance of him was a Families may expect their lesbian daughters
relief to him. He told a very few close friends about to play conventional sex roles (e.g., being brides-
his suicide attempt and. for the first time, about his
maids) at family rituals and may not recognize life
conflicts about being gay. He was much more will-
cycle events in their daughter's life. Life markers
ing to discuss the issues of gayness with them and
such as a wedding or a baby shower involving a
did so repeatedly and at some length. He finished
his school year successfully, graduated, found a job
straight child may bring a family together. The
and planned an adventurous summer vacation. He

same event for a lesbian daughter may drive the
wanted to live in Israel and found a job there. His family apart (Slater & Mencher. 1991 As a result,
).
leaving the country for summer travel and subse- lesbian life cycle events often pass without public
quent work meant an end to his therapy with me. All familv recognition.
Zitter ( 1487) contends that for lesbians, com- is expected of them, but their power is still very
ing out to then mother poses a special problem. low. Because their job prospects are so poor, it is
She cites the common idea that mothers expect to almost impossible for poor African American men
lose their sons to another woman but feel that their to see young adulthood as a period of preparation
daughters will never replace them in the same for lucrative or even stable employment.
way. When their lesbian daughters bond inti- Lower-income young men in this life cycle
mately and exclusively with another woman, how- stage still men in
have the characteristics of young
ever, mothers may feel especially bereft, perhaps general, however. Their idealism makes them
even betrayed. proud to identify with those who speak truth to
power. These may be "gangsta" rappers, religious
leaders, or radical social critics. They may have the
THE POOR GET POORER:
same grandiose aspirations and wish to prove
THE LAST TWO DECADES
themselves as other young men. These sometimes
When low-income African Americans reach young take the form of wanting to exit from poverty
adulthood, they have the same needs as others to in- through success in professional sports, in which
crease their personal authority and become more lower-income African American males have been
independent. But if the decrease in real wages over so spectacularly successful. However, in a 1991 ar-
the last two decades has made it more difficult for ticle in Sports Illustrated, Henry Louis Gates cau-
middle-class workers to achieve financial self-suf- tions that in all of the United States, only 1,500
ficiency, the effect has been much more severe for African American men are able to support them-
lower-income groups. Income has increased for the selves as professional athletes. There are ten times
upper classes and decreased for the lower ones. For as many African American doctors and ten times
instance, economist Edward Wolfe (1996) reports as many African American lawyers.
that between 1983 and 989. "The top 20 percent of
1 Lower-income young men yearn for and re-
wealth holders received 99 percent of the total gain spond to mentors, just as all young adults do.
in marketable wealth, while the bottom 80 percent Finding a mentor who can offer a realistic and safe
only got 1 percent." In addition, while labor force exit from poverty may be a challenge, however.
participation for young w hite men has remained the The mentor may himself be a criminal who may
same, it has declined substantially for young black use the youth's idealism to make crime seem more
men (Wilson, 1987. p. 82). justifiable.
The risk of failure and the potential loss of

dignity are major factors in the lives of poor young
Young Adulthood for Lower-Income
African American men. They may be especially
African American Men
sensitive to moments of disrespect, real or per-
Because men are still expected to provide finan- ceived. In such moments, they may feel compelled
cially for their families, not having employment to make or respond to challenges that expose them
opportunities has serious consequences for them. to grave physical danger (Canada, 1995). This
now much more often require a
Entry-level jobs culture, a result of racism and economic depriva-
It is much more difficult for
high school diploma. tion, makes lower-income young men especially
lower-income young men. who are less likely to vulnerable to being drawn into violent crime.
graduate from high school than poor women, to Young adulthood is the era when more African
get the jobs that would make them good marriage American men die by accident or violence than in
prospects. any other decade of their life cycle. African Amer-
Young men of any race are expected to "prove ican men age 20 to 24 account for 62 percent of
their manhood" in the young adult era. They are all murder victims of the same age. This is espe-
especially vulnerable to humiliation. A great deal cially striking because they account for only 10
228 CHAPTER 13
percent of the general population (U.S. Bureau of Young Adulthood for Lower-Income
the Census, 1996). African American Women
Because it is so expensive to support oneself
in a separate domicile, young men often stay with If they have not already had children as adolescents,
family in early young adulthood. Lower income most lower-income African American women have
African American mothers raise their young boys and raise children in this life cycle phase. Because
and girls with equal attentiveness. As their chil- they do not have money to pursue schooling and
dren reach adolescence, however, they sometimes find it hard to imagine that their socioeconomic
feel that it is harder to sustain their intimate con- opportunities will improve (either by additional
nection with their sons than their daughters. By schooling or marriage), there is little reason to delay
young adulthood, mothers may feel that they have childbearing (Ludtke, 1997). They may even feel
lost their sons to the world of unruly, unreliable that it is dangerous to delay having children (Geron-
men. If problems arise in the relationship, it is usu- imus, 1992). Geronimus interviewed young women
ally because mother and son are underconnected, of various races and economic backgrounds about
not overinvolved. In such cases, it is hard to see the age at which they felt women should be finished
separation as the primary developmental task of having babies. Poor African American women sug-
the era. The young man's success is profoundly de- gested the earliest cut-off time (age 25 to 30) to stop
pendent on his family's support. It is a difficult and having children. Geronimus felt that this desire for
subtle task to endorse the young man's fierce pride early timing of birth was due to a number of factors,
and strength while insisting that he remain respon- among them the shorter life expectancy and greater
sive and responsible to the family group. If young risk of bad health for poor people. She further rea-
men have a job or are in school, they can gain adult soned that since lower-income African American
status, be regarded respectfully, and be looked to women often expect to raise their children in part-
for advice and, eventually, leadership. If they re- nership with their mothers, they want to have them
main unschooled and unemployed, however, they while the grandmothers are still young enough to be
will not be seen as making a contribution to the counted on.
family. They may be encouraged and tolerated for Poor young African American women may
a while but eventually will receive censure. All still have dreams that include a perfect love, but
young men are proud, so they may show defiance they often don't expect to marry or create a nuclear
or isolate themselves. Sometimes, they will leave family. Marriage is seen as creating little advan-
precipitously, staying with another part of the ex- tage for a female and may cause more trouble than
tended family in which there is less authority con- it is worth. Williams (1991) interviewed thirty
flict. For any unemployed young male, this is young mothers and wrote. "[They do not] view
always an uneasy arrangement. If their activities themselves as having ruined their lives, and they
disrupt the household, they are most likely to be see themselves... as capable of rearing children
angrily ejected, sometimes to the streets, only to be without marriage or commitment from the father.
readmitted in a deteriorated condition. Few of them expect to marry and nearly all want at
This group presents a difficult challenge for least one other child" (p. 51).
the clinician because these young men rarely While young mothers feel that having and
present themselves for therapy as individuals or as raising children is the most meaningful and prom-
parts of families. Their influences on the parts of ising part of their difficult lives, it does have its
the family that do come to the clinic must often be costs (see Chapter 24). It makes exit from poverty
discovered by the clinician, sometimes in the face more difficult and endangers the children who are
of the family's resistance. An attempt to draw the born into such hard circumstances.
young men in or at least consider them is usually Another cost is that it increases the mother's
rewarding and necessary, however, both to their risk of depression. Depression is a special risk for
families and themselves. women as a group, but a particular one for poor
BICOMINd AN ADULT 229
young adult women Broun i tV Harris. 1978). An- which several female family members share care
other cost of having babies during young adulthood of the children.
is that these young mothers never have the solitude These arrangements are not mutually exclu-
that can give young women a feeling of self-deter- sive and may vary according to the changing needs
mination or doing something to develop or cultivate of the children, mother, or other caregivers. Watts-
their selves. Their lives are determined by the needs Jones (1997) details a method of inquiry that aug-
of others without relief. They may understandably ments the conventional genogram to discover the
become resentful, grudging, or burned out. supportive networks of kin and non-kin character-
Young adult mothers have a more clearly de- istic of such families. In a clinical situation, in-
fined role in their extended families (as caregivers quiry into such arrangements may be useful in
to their children) than do jobless young men. As it determining the welfare of the family and whether
is more clearly defined, it is also more constricting. mother is moving toward contributing fully to her
They may not be expected to produce cash for the own children and the extended family.
family, but to the extent that they receive help in Because of the variety and changing nature of
raising their children, they are (understandably) these family structures, discovering the executive
expected to return such service to others in the subsystem is not always a straightforward task. A
family when it is needed. By entering this econ- very useful question for young adult mothers is,
omy of mutual obligation, they gain adult status "Who helps you?" The answer begins to reveal
and respect. A consequence, however, is that they whom she can or must count on. A follow-up ques-
are rarely free to pursue solitary studies that would tion that addresses the emotional climate of this
permit an exit from poverty and financial self-suf- network is, "Who gets to express their opinion on
ficiency. Separation or even self-sufficiency is not how you are raising your kids?" This group may
a realistic or even desirable goal for young adult include some additional individuals who do not
mothers. Without sharing domiciles and child care supply care directly, but affect the morale of the
with their extended family, their lives are simply mother with their observations.
not viable.
The way in which the extended family is in-
CONCLUSION
volved in assisting the young adult mother may
take on different forms, creating different execu- Young adulthood poses a particular challenge for
tive subsystems. Apfel and Seitz (1996) describe the systems-oriented clinician. It is the era that
four such arrangements: In "parental replace- pulls most to see the individual as an entity sepa-
ment," grandmother takes on total responsibility rate from societal and family influences. Our sep-
for the daughter's child. A "supported primary aration-based theories of development and our
parent" is a mother who has primary full-time re- societal expectations about individualism and self-
sponsibility for child care but is supported by reliance have added to this difficulty. A balanced
other family members. A grandmother who ac- view of how relatedness continues through this
tively mentors her daughter in parenting by dem- era should help us to understand the conflicts with
onstration and in moments of co-parenting views which our clients struggle at every level of the
her daughter as an "apprentice mother." The system.
fourth arrangement is "parental supplement," in
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Chapter 14
BECOMING A COUPLE
MONICA McGOLDRICK
MARRIAGE IN OUR TIMES and of multigenerational patterns. Women are

wanting their own careers and are increasingly re-
The meaning of marriage in our time is profound- sistant to having the primary household and child
ly different from its meaning throughout human care responsibilities and to having husbands who
history, when it was tightly embedded in the eco- are absent from family life. But change comes very
nomic and social fabric of society. The changing slowly.
role of women and the increasing mobility of our In most societies, to talk of the choice to
culture, along with longevity and the dramatic ef- marry or not would be almost as relevant as to talk
fects of widely available contraceptives, are forc- of the choice to grow old or not; it has been consid-
ing us to redefine marriage. ered the only route to full adult status. To marry
The place of marriage in the life cycle has also has been simply part of the "natural" progression
been changing dramatically. Men and women are through life, part of the inevitable, unless catastro-
having sex earlier but marrying later than ever be- phe intervened. Only recently has our society been
fore. An ever increasing proportion are living to- modifying its norms on this, as more members of
gether before marriage or even living with several the population do not fit into the traditional pat-
partners before deciding to marry. Indeed, more terns and even raise questions about their viability.
than half of all marriages now follow cohabitation Of all dilemmas of the life cycle, the existen-
(Steinhauer. 1995). Marriage used to be the major tial dilemma of coupling is probably the greatest.
marker of transition to the adult world, because it Marriage is the the only family relationship that we
symbolized the transition to parenthood; now it of- swear is forever and the only one that we swear is
ten reflects a greater continuity with the phase of exclusive; yet it is the one relationship that is least
young adulthood or even adolescence, since child- likely to be either exclusive or forever. Just as so-
bearing, especially for the middle and upper ciety has defined "family" as a legally married het-
classes, is increasingly postponed for a number of erosexual couple with children, "couple" has meant
years after marriage. a once-married heterosexual couple in which the
Marriage symbolizes a change in status man is generally taller, older, smarter, with more
among all family members and generations and re- income generating power, and in charge of sup-
quires that the couple negotiate new relationships porting his wife and any children they may have,
as a twosome with many other subsystems: par- while the woman was supposed to be physically at-
ents, siblings, grandparents, nieces and nephews, tractive and ever supportive of her husband in the
and friends (McGoldrick. 1995). In fact, the status fulfillment of his dreams while taking care of all
changes of marriage may not be fully appreciated other family members, including their children,
by the family until the next phase. It is this transi- her parents, his parents, and anyone else in the
tion to parenthood that confronts couples more family who became ill or needed help. All who did
sharply with the problems of traditional sex roles not fit into this ideal were judged by its standard
231
232 CHAPTER 14
and generally found wanting. Yet couples come in • Chores and leisure activities: home care, food,
many varieties: gay and straight; married and un- priorities for vacation and leisure time.
married; tall, ambitious wives and short, nurturing,
homebody husbands. The ideal itself costs us all a The complexity of these dimensions should
tremendous amount in terms of our ability to be our-

how difficult this life cycle transition is.
indicate
selves and find harmony in our relationships with

Abuse may be a part of any these dimensions of a
couple's relationship (Almeida, Woods, Messineo,
each other and support the tasks of family life.
A major problem in coupling is that patriarchal & Font, 1998). However, along with the transition to
parenthood, which it has long symbolized, it is seen
rules of male domination in marriage get obfuscated
as the easiest and most joyous. Our society skews us
and mystified by the mythology of coupling as a
toward a romanticized view of this transition, which
love story of two equals. The patriarchal courtship
ideal of Cinderella and Prince Charming gets con-
adds greatly to its difficulty, since everyone —from
fused with the ideal of a partnership between two
the couple to the family and friends —wants to see
lovers whose souls and bodies will mingle, such that

only the happiness of the transition. The only di-
mensions that get privileged in the dominant ideol-

they will think and act as one until death does them
ogy are the emotional and sexual dimensions, and
part.The contradiction in these two propositions
makes marriage a problem for both men and wo- the issues of power even in those dimensions is
men, but especially for woman, a fact that has only

subtly kept invisible (Almeida et al., 1998). The
very recently begun to come to our national and in-
problems that come with forming a marriage are
thus obscured and pushed underground, only to in-
ternational consciousness. Indeed Carolyn Heilbrun
tensify and surface later on.
(1988) has asked: "Was marriage always in such
Furthermore, as Michael Lerner has pointed
danger of becoming unappealing to women that the
out (1995), finding a partner, which always used to
whole society had to contrive to keep the fiction of
Women be a community matter, has become the private
its desirability alive and intact?'* increas-
problem of individual singles, conducted within a
ingly view traditional marriage as a bad bargain.
capitalist orientation to coupling, which encour-
Couple relationships have many dimensions:
ages us to see other people in terms of what they
(Almeida, Woods, Messineo, & Font, 1998):
can do to satisfy our needs:
• Economic. In the past, relationships were embedded in larger

• Emotional: communication, intimacy, depen- communities of meaning and purpose. The rela-
dence, and so on. tionship was not about itself, but about some larger
• Power arrangements: from male privilege shared goal. But today, with those communities
dominance to partnership and equity. of meaning in decline, people increasingly look
• Physical power: the continuum from intimi- to their primary sexual relationship to become a
compensation for the meaninglessness surrounding
dation, abuse, and threats to the belief in the
them. Yet judged against such standards, very few
sanctity of each individual.
relationships feel adequate (p. 10).
• Boundaries around the couple in relation to all
other connections: to friends, extended family, Marriage, more than any other life transition,
work, children, and religion. Boundaries may is viewed as the solution to life's problems such as
be tight and controlled by one partner or flex- loneliness, work/career uncertainty, or extended
ible in each area. family difficulties. The wedding itself is seen as

• Sexuality: the continuum from sexual inti- terminating a process, though it does not. "And
macy to sexual objectification to rape and they lived happily ever after" is the myth. Marriage
exploitation. requires that two people renegotiate a great many
• Child Rearing: shared or viewed as women's issues they have previously defined individually or
responsibility. in their families of origin, such as when and how to
BECOMING A COUPLE 233
eat, sleep, talk, have sex, fight, work, and relax. alcohol abuse, and depression than unmarried men
The power aspects oi how these issues get negoti- (Steinhauer. 1995). Studies indicate that women
ated must be kept \isihle. since the power inequi- get fewer tangible benefits from marriage. They
ties in most heterosexual couples are highly likely often suffer a wage loss, especially after the birth
to be obscured b\ the couple, the extended family, of children, and tend to be burdened with more
and others in the societ) (Almeida et al.. 1998; housework, and their sexual satisfaction does not
Carter. 1996). The couple must decide about vaca- appear to improve with marriage (Steinhauer, 1995).
tions, for example, and how to use space, time, and Contrary to the popular stereotypes of the frus-
money. Decisions must be made about which fam- trated old maid and the free, unencumbered bach-
ily traditions and rituals to retain and which ones elor life, spinsters do very well and bachelors do
partners will develop for themselves. Partners will very poorly (Gurin et al., 1980, p. 42). And statis-
also have to renegotiate relationships with parents. tically, the more education a woman has and the
siblings, friends, extended family, and co-workers better her income, the less likely she is to marry.
in view of the new marriage. It is extremely impor- The reverse is true for men.
tant that women not be pressured to curtail these Couples are marrying later and postponing
relationships, because it isolates them and leaves childbearing longer than a generation ago. In 1 970,
them vulnerable to abuse in the marriage (Chapter the average age of marriage was 2 1 for women and
28; see also Almeida et al.. 1998). 23 for men. Now it is 24 for women and over 26 for
The joke that there are six in the marital bed is men.
really an understatement. It has been said that More and more couples are passing through a
what distinguishes human beings from all other stage of living with one or several partners before
animals is the fact of having in-laws. In the animal marriage, making the transition to marriage much
kingdom, mating involves only the two partners, less of a turning point in the family life cycle than
who usually mature, separate from their families, it was in the past. Obviously, the meaning of a
and mate on their own. For humans, it is the join- wedding changes when a couple has been living
ing of two enormously complex systems. Some together for several years and participating jointly
say that if couples could fully appreciate the emo- in extended-family experiences. Nevertheless, even
tional complexity of negotiating marriage right at after a couple has been living together for several
the start, they might not dare to undertake the years, the transition to marriage can still create
proposition. great turmoil, especially if the partners have not
For more than a generation. Jessie Bernard dealt with their extended family as a couple during
raised our consciousness about the fact that mar- the period of living together. Indeed, the parents
riage produces such profound discontinuities in may have been hoping that the couple would break
the lives of women as to constitute a genuine up and now have to acknowledge the centrality of
health hazard (Bernard. 1982). In spite of the wide- the relationship for their child. It places no small
spread cultural stereotypes that marriage is some- stress on a family to open who
itself to an outsider
thing men should dread and fear, all the research is now an member of its inner circle. Fre-
official
supports the opposite — that in every way marriage quently, no new member has been added to the sys-
improves men's mental health while in almost ev- tem for many years. The challenge of this change
ery way, mentally, physically, and even in crime can affect a family's style profoundly; the ten-
statistics, single women are healthier than married dency of members to polarize and see villains and
women (Apter. 1985). According to a study by victims under the stress of these changes can be
Linda Waite. men appear to benefit from marriage very strong.
on a great many dimensions. Married men are In any case, there seems to be a timing and a
healthier, have more satisfying sex lives, tend to pattern to this phase. Those who marry early often
make more money, and have lower rates of drug. have more difficulty adjusting to its tasks. Women
234 CHAPTER 14
who marry before age 20 (about 25 percent of a waiting period before marriage, or by providing
women) are twice as likely to divorce as those who older couples as mentors for new couples (Marano,
marry in their twenties. On the other hand, those 1997). Furthermore, new laws offering two marital
who marry after 30 (about 20 percent of women) options, one harder to dissolve than the the law
are less likely to divorce, but if they do, they do so allows while ostensibly offering a greater level of
sooner than those who marry earlier. Thus it ap- choice to couples, is in fact part of a backlash move-
pears that in our culture there is a timing for cou- ment that pressures couples to accept marital bonds
pling, and while it seems to be getting later, it that take us back to an era when a woman could not
appears overall that it is better to marry later rather get divorced unless she could prove adultery.
than sooner. Those who fall too far out of the nor- This concern is limited to heterosexual cou-
mative range on either end may have more trouble ples, as gays and lesbians are still denied federal
making the transition. Such people are often re- and most religious recognition of their relation-
sponding to family stresses that make the process ships (Glaser, 1996). No state currently allows same
of coupling more difficult to achieve. In addition sex marriages, although Hawaii may soon be the
to cultural or class issues, which may make ear- first to allow them (Purdum. 1996). Interracial
lier marriage a norm among certain cultural marriages were a serious crime in many states un-
groups, such as Latinos or working-class fami- til thirty years ago.
lies, those who marry early may be running away It seems that the timing of marital decisions is
from their families of origin or seeking a family often influenced by events in the extended family,
they never had. They may leave home by fusing although most couples are unaware of the correla-
with a mate in an attempt to gain strength from tion of these events and the process that underlies
each other. They may have more difficulties later their decision to marry. People often seem to meet
on as a result of their failure to develop an inde- spouses or make the decision to marry shortly after
pendent identity first. Women who marry late are the retirement, illness, move, or even untimely
frequently responding to a conflict between mar- death of a parent or after other traumatic family
riage and career and their ambivalence about los- loss. The sense of loss or aloneness can be a strong
ing their independence and identity in marriage. contributing factor in the desire to build a close re-
An increasing number of men also seem to be lationship. This may blind a person to the aspects of
avoiding commitment. Some who marry late may a prospective spouse that do not fit the idealized
also have seen a negative image of marriage at picture that the other will complete him or her and
home. They may have been enmeshed in their make life worthwhile. This desire for completion is
families and have trouble leaving home, forming likely to lead to difficulty accepting the spouse's
outside relationships or developing a secure work differentness, which will necessarily show itself in
situation. the course of the relationship. As one woman put it.
In spite of the trend toward delaying both mar-

My husband and I have always been afraid of the
riage and pregnancy, most people do marry and
stranger in each other. We keep wanting to believe
have children before age 30. Naturally, those who that the other thought the same as we thought
have children shortly after marriage have relatively they were thinking, which could never be. We just
little time to adjust to the status changes of mar- couldn 7 appreciate that here was a new and differ-
riage and its accompanying stresses before moving ent person, with his or her own thoughts and feel-
on. What is amazing, considering the long-range ings, who would make life more interesting.
implications of marriage, is that so many couples

spend so little time thinking about the decision. In-
FUSION AND INTIMACY
deed a number of communities and churches in the
United States have been trying to prevent future di- The basic dilemma in coupling is the confusion of
vorce by requiring premarital counseling courses. intimacy with fusion. There is a profound differ-
—
ence between forming an intimate relationship and lack of aggressive criticism, hurtful attacks, or
using a couple relationship to complete one"s self. attempts to diminish the other, lack of attempt
Poets have long talked about the difference. Rilke to dominate the other in disagreements.
(1954) writes:
They found that, contrary to stereotspes that
Love is at first not anything that means merging,
have portrayed lesbian couples as tending toward
giving over, and uniting with another (for what
fusion and gay couples as disengaged, both lesbian
would a union he oj something unclarified and un-
and gay couples tend to have more intimate, cohe-
finished, still subordinate); it is a high inducement
to the individual to ripen... it is a great exacting sive relationships than do heterosexual couples
claim, i p. 54) lesbians the most so. Gottman found that the the
expression of negativity appears as necessary as
There are. of course, sex differences in the
positisitv in a marriage, though successful rela-
\\ as fusion is experienced, since women have tra-
tionships need to have the positivity outweigh the
ditionally been raised to consider "losing them-
negativity in expression (Carstensen. Gottman. &
selves" in a relationship to be normal, and men
Levenson. 1995: Gottman. 1993). Other research
have been raised to see intimacy as "unmanly."
has shown that money and status tend to define re-
Thus, men more often express fusion by maintain-
lationships of heterosexual couples along power
ing a pseudo-differentiated distant position in rela-
lines. That is. the partner who makes more money
tionships or by possessive demands that their
and has more status (usually the man) tends to con-
partner conform to their wishes, and women ex-
trol the relationship decisions, right down to where
press fusion giving up themselves, their dreams,
they will go on vacation and who will clean the toi-
and their opinions to the relationship.
let. Only lesbian couples seem free to develop their
Recent research comparing heterosexual, les-
roles and relationships on a basis other than money,
bian, and gay couples is expanding our under-
power, and status (Blumstein & Schwartz. 1983).
standing of notions of closeness and intimacy in
Frequently, others expect a couple to fuse and
couple relationships. Whereas much of the family
view the wife as somehow joined to the identity
therapy literature and research confused notions
of her husband, thus increasing the difficulties for
of closeness, enmeshment. and fusion, which were
women in differentiating and maintaining their
polarized against differentiation, autonomy, disen-
separate identities. For men. the fear of intimacy
gagement, and distance. Green. Bettinger and
and the social expectations of his independence
Zacks ( 1 996) offered a clarification of categories
and of his wife's adaptiveness work together to
that might be useful for understanding intimate
inhibit his development of intimate relationships
coupling partnerships:
within which differences necessarily continue to
• Closeness-caregiving (made up of warmth. exist. The implication of this is that much of cou-
time together, nurturance. physical intimacy, ples therapy requires helping men to learn a new
and consistency ). model of human development within which they
• Openness of communication (made up of open- can develop interdependence and interpersonal re-
ness, self-disclosure, and the ability to face lationships and respect for their wives' separate
conflict and differences without avoidance). self (see Chapter 2).
• Lack of intrusiveness made up of lack of sep- I Bowen's (1978) theory elucidates the univer-
aration anxiets : respecting the other's need for sal tendency to seek some degree of fusion with a
privacy and time alone; lack of possessiveness partner as related to a person's incomplete differ-
and jealousy: lack of emotional oserreactis its entiation from her or his family of origin. In other
to the other's life problems: lack of mindread- words, couples seek to complete themselves in
ing of the other; lack of thinking one knows each other to the degree that they have failed to re-
the other's wishes better than she or he does: solve their relationships with their parents, s\ hich
236 CHAPTER 14
would free them to build new relationships based plans for going away to university and enrolled in
on each person's freedom to be himself or herself the local college. Over the next year, her father re-
and to appreciate the other as he or she is. The pro- covered, but that summer he had a second heart at-
tack and had to stop work. Shortly afterward Susan
cess whereby people seek to enhance their self-
esteem in marriage is based on denying their
began dating Joe, whom she met at her summer job
as a secretary, where he was a computer techni-
differentness from their spouse and can result in
cian. Joe was an only child from an immigrant
severe distortions in communication to maintain
working-class Puerto Rican family. For him. not
the myth of agreement (Satir, 1967).
only was Susan very attractive, but her family rep-
During courtship, couples are usually most resented social and financial stability, which per-
aware of the romantic aspects of their relationship. haps appealed to Joe because his own family life
Marriage shifts the relationship from a private cou- had been shaped by his family's poverty, caused by
pling to a formal joining of two families. Issues work accident when Joe
his father's disability in a
that the partners have not resolved with their own was an infant. Joe's mother had to care for her hus-
families will tend to be factors in marital choice band while having to care for her own mother as
and are very likely to interfere with establishing a

well. There was very little money to support them
all. Joe hoped to improve his parents' situation by
workable marital balance.
marrying Susan. He had always felt responsible
It may be that much of the intensity of roman-
for his parents' well-being but powerless to make
tic love is determined by one*s family values. From
them happy. He was delighted when Susan gave up
this perspective. Romeo and Juliet might have felt
college and began pushing to marry him. He was
intensely attracted to each other precisely because threatened by her college pursuits anyway. For Su-
their families prohibited their relationship. Such san. Joe represented the only way she knew to get
obstacles may lead to an idealization of the forbid- away from her family's expectations. She had been
den person. They, like so many romantic heroes, conflicted about school, since she felt inadequate
were conveniently spared a more complete view of in comparison to her brother, whose accomplish-
their relationship by their untimely deaths, pre- ments were so much the focus of family attention.
serving the romance and perhaps obscuring the She had also been receiving mixed messages from
her family about continuing her education since
more pedestrian underlying family dramas that
her father's heart attack. And since she had grown
most likely fostered their attraction in the first
up not believing that she was really smart, she felt
place. In everyday life, the outcome of such love
under great pressure about schoolwork. Joe would
affairs is often not so romantic, as the following
free her from these pressures. He would not push
case illustrates. her to achieve. He accepted her as she was. He
had a steady income, w hich would mean that she
Susan Feder, the older of two children of a middle- would not have to worry about her inability to con-
class Jewish family, had known her future hus- centrate on her studies or her fear of failure. She
band, Joe, in high school. Her parents, who had would become Joe's wife, she would raise a fam-
themselves been very unhappily married, had in- ily, and her worries about her own identity would
vested all their energies in their children's success. be over.
Susan planned to go to college, and her brother, Joe and Susan found each other attractive and
who was a "computer genius." was planning to go saw their relationship as making them feel better
to M.I.T. A month after her high school gradua- than they ever remembered feeling before. Joe's
tion, Susan's lawyer father had a heart attack. Her parents disapproved of Susan's not being Catholic
mother, who had always been an anxious person, and suggested strongly that they wait. Susan's fa-
had been hospitalized for depression when Susan ther disapproved of her marrying someone without
was 10. Ever since then, the mother had been a college education and thought that she should fin-
viewed as fragile, and now she seemed quite close ish school herself. He also disapproved of her mar-
to the edge, criticizing her husband continuously. rying someone who was not Jewish, though the
now that he was so dependent. Susan gave up her family was not religious. In quiet moments. Susan
herselfwondered whether she might find someone What began to happen between Susan and Joe
more educated, but her parents' disapproval pushed is what happens to many couples when the hope
her to defend her choice and to reject their "snob- that the partner will solve all problems proves to be
bery." Before marriage. Susan and Joe had little
in vain. There is a tendency to personalize stress
chance to be alone together. What time they did
and place blame for what goes wrong. At times,
have was filled with wedding arrangements and
one blames oneself; at times, one's spouse. Given
discussion of the families' pressures on them. Al-
enough stress, couples tend to define their prob-
most immediately after the wedding, Susan felt
lems solely within the relationship. Once this per-
restless. Things with her family had quieted down;
sonalizing process begins, it is very difficult to
they had no more reason to protest. Susan quickly
became bored and began to pressure Joe to get a keep the relationship open. Susan began to lay the
better job. He felt guilty for having "abandoned" blame for her disappointments in life on Joe, and
his parents, something he hadn't let surface during he saw himself as responsible for her unhappiness.
courtship. To improve their financial situation and One major factor that tightens couple relationships
to deal with his guilt, he suggested that they move over time is their tendency to interpret more and
into his parents' apartment, while the parents more facets of their lives within the marriage,
would move to a smaller apartment upstairs. It
which is often promoted by the wider social con-
would save on expenses and be a good investment.
text, which also supports this narrow focus. For ex-
Susan agreed because it meant that they would
ample, during courtship, if one partner becomes
have much nicer living quarters. Almost immedi-
depressed, the other is not likely to take it too per-
ately, she began to feel pressure from Joe's parents
to socialize with them and to have children for
sonally, assuming, "There are many reasons one
them. Having married to escape her own parents, might get depressed in life; this may have nothing
she now felt saddled with two others, with the to do with me." Such an assumption of not being
added burden of not knowing them well. Suddenly, responsible for the other's feelings permits a sup-
Joe's personality irritated her. Whereas she had ini- portive, empathic response. After several years of
tially liked him for his easygoing style and his marriage, however, this partner has a much greater
acceptance of her, she now saw him as lacking am- tendency to view the other's emotional reactions as
bition. She was embarrassed to have him spend
a reflection of his or her input and to feel responsi-
time with her friends, because of his manners and
ble for the partner's depression, or at least respon-
lack of education, so she began to avoid her
sible to get him or her out of the depression. Once
friends, which left her even more isolated. She
partners begin taking responsibility for the other's
tried pressuring Joe to fulfill her dreams and sat-
isfy all her relationship needs. He felt increasingly
feelings, there is a tendency for more and more
inadequate and unable to respond to her pressure. areas in the relationship to become filled with
She felt that he was a good lover but began to be tension. The more one spouse defines himself or
more attracted to other men
work and began
at to herself by the other, the less flexibility there will be
turn him away. His sense of inadequacy led him to in the relationship and the more their communica-
retreat further, and he took to going out in the tion will become constricted in areas that are emo-
evening with his own friends, with whom he felt tionally charged.
more accepted. These responses are profoundly gendered as
Susan's resistance to parental expectations had
well. That is, because women are socialized to take
now been transferred into the marriage. Joe's hopes
responsibility for others' lives, feelings, and be-
for moving beyond his parents' disappointing lives
havior and to consider it selfish to have a life of
had now been transformed into pressure from Su-
their own, they are more likely to internalize their
san for him to succeed, and he resented it. Neither
partner had worked out for themselves individually
problems and feel overresponsible for the mar-
what they wanted in life. Each had turned to the riage. And because men are socialized to define
other to fulfill unmet needs, and now each was dis- themselves primarily by their ability to provide
appointed. for their families financially, perform sexually, and
238 CHAPTER 14
handle their emotions without overt emotional tion of potential difficulties, which do not show up
dependence, these dimensions will tend to define until farther down the road. On the one hand, as
their feelings of success. Beyond this, they may Bowen observed, most spouses have their closest
externalize blame when things go wrong. and most open relationship during this period. It
In the case of Susan and Joe, neither of them is common for living-together relationships to be
probably had any awareness that Susan was bring- harmonious and for fusion symptoms not to de-
ing into the relationship a lifetime of being a sec- velop until after marriage. It is as if the fusion does
ond-class citizen in relation to her brother. Nor did not become problematic as long as there is still an
she ever realize that her mother's depression, anx- option to terminate the relationship easily (Bowen,
iety, and frustration may have been related to her 1978). While the demands of marriage frequently
having lived a life that disallowed any personal ful- tighten a relationship, the fusionmay start during
fillment, while she was supposed to devote herself courtship, when couples may begin a pattern of
to caring for others. She had been a brilliant stu- pseudo-mutuality, saying that they like everything
dent herself and in her teens had wanted to go to about each other, expect to share all their free time
medical school but was told by her parents that this together, and so on.
goal was inappropriate for a woman and would On the other hand, it is not uncommon for two
mean she would "never find a man." So she found people who have been living happily together to
a man but probably lost herself in the process, and find that things change when they do get married,
now Susan was perhaps repeating her mistake. Joe because they and society have now added to the
could not see that the very life force that attracted situation theburdensome definitions of "husband"
him to Susan soon became the problem, as he ex- and "wife." These words often bring with them the
perienced himself as inadequate compared to her conceptions of heavy responsibility for rather than
in intelligence and drive. If he hadn't had to mea- to each other, which living together did not im-
sure himself by a yardstick that said that men pose. There may also be the burden of having
should be smarter and more successful, he could definitely passed beyond youth into "serious"
have enjoyed her strength and intensity. Instead, he adulthood. Couples may view marriage as such an
saw it as a measure of his failure and tried to stifle enormous task that they can never be sufficiently
or avoid it. Had Susan felt freer of the gender ineq- prepared for it. Many couples have the opposite
uities and constraints of our society, she might misperception: that marriage will automatically
have appreciated Joe for his sweetness and com- fulfill them regardless of other aspects of their
mitment to his family and used the marriage as a lives. Family attitudes and social myths about mar-
secure base from which to evolve her own life and riage filter down from generation to generation,
develop her confidence and skills. making such transitions proportionately smoother
Courtship is probably the least likely time of or more difficult.
all phases of the life cycle for couples to seek ther- Couples can become bound in a web of eva-
apy. This is not because coupling is easy, but be- siveness and ambiguity, because neither can dare
cause of the tendency to idealize each other and to be straight with the other for fear of things turn-
avoid looking at the enormous and long-range dif- ing out unhappily, as they did in their families of
ficulties of establishing an intimate relationship. origin. Communication may become more and
While the first years of marriage are the time of more more they define their own worth
covert, the
greatest overall marital satisfaction for many, they by the relationship. The content of communication
are also a time of likely divorce. The degree of mu- can become totally obscured by the need of both
tual disappointment will usually match the degree partners to validate themselves through the spouse.
of idealization of the relationship during courtship, It may end with the absurdity of couples spending
as in the case of Susan and Joe. The pull of the re- their time doing things neither wants to do because
lationship during courtship may prevent realiza- each thinks the other wants it that way. Or they do
things only the way one partner wants, often the case. Indeed, both gay and lesbian couples seem to
husband, because of the way power structures de- have more cohesive relationships than heterosex-
cision making in American couples (Blumstein & ual couples, lesbians having the greatest level of
Schwartz. 1983). or only the way the wife wants, closeness (Green et al., 1996). On the other hand,
because the husband takes no responsibility for de- the lack of acceptance that many gay couples expe-
veloping his own relationships. rience from their families and from the society at
In some situations, family patterns contribute large throughout the life cycle is a serious issue,
to the inability of each partner to negotiate suc- one that clinicians may often help families to mod-
cessfully the transition to couplehood. In such in- ify (Slater, 1995; Laird & Green, 1996). The price
stances, the concept oi marriage has taken on a of the secrecy forced on many gay and lesbian cou-
meaning far beyond the fact of two people sharing ples by society's disapproval is one we need to
their lives with each other. Very often, couples fall change. Related to this familial and societal nega-
into stereotypical roles in which she can think of tivity, the lack of normative life cycle rituals is def-
nothing but marriage and that is the one thing he initely something clinicians can help couples and
cannot think about. These patterns reflect the gen- their families to change (See Chapter 12). It often
dered opposite sides of the same lack of differenti- requires special efforts on the couple's part to re-
ation from their families of origin. Men who are ceive adequate recognition of their relationship
not comfortable with their level of differentiation transitions.
typically fear commitment, whereas such women

Katherine Moore, a 27-year-old journalist, and
typically fear being alone.
Rita Hidalgo, a 30-year-old graphic artist, had
been living together for almost two years when
they sought help for their relationship problems.
GAY AND LESBIAN COUPLES
Katherine was not sleeping, and Rita was con-
The patterns described here for heterosexual cou- cerned that Katherine was depressed, anxious, and
ples may be both simpler and more difficult for gay drinking too much. Katherine had been withdraw-
and lesbian couples (Laird & Green. 1996: Blum- ing from Rita, feeling that Rita was becoming in-
stein & Schwartz, 1983; Green et al.. 1996; trusive and bossy. Katherine had struggled since
her mid-teens with her lesbianism. In college, she
Slater, 1995: Bepko & Krestan. 1985; Nichols &
dated men occasionally, hoping that this would re-
Leiblum. 1986; Roth. 1985). It appears to be an
lease her from her homosexual feelings and the dis-
advantage for gays and lesbians that they are less
ruption that she felt a homosexual life-style would
bound by the constricting rigidities of traditional
create for her and her family of origin. In fact, after
gender roles, which may leave them freer to de-
college, she kept a great distance from her parents,
velop intimate relationships (Green et al., 1996). with whom she had alw ays had a stormy relation-
On the other hand, the stigmatizing of homosexual ship. She had been known in her family as the
couples by our society means that their relation- problem child since elementary school. Her con-
ships are often not validated by their families or servative Anglo-Irish family operated on the basis
communities and they must cope with prejudice on of keeping up appearances. Her older
sister had al-
a daily basis. The AIDS crisis has been a terrible ways been known as the "good girl" and never
trauma for the gay community, and its impact on went beyond the limits accepted by the family.
Katherine was the outspoken one, seen as the
gay men at the point of forming a new relationship
rebel. She always argued politics with her father,
cannot be underestimated. On the other hand, both
and he became particularly incensed when she be-
partners being of the same gender may increase the
came involved in women's rights. Katherine felt
couple's understanding of each other. Although
that her mother was sympathetic to her at times,
some therapists have thought that being of the but her mother never dared to disagree openly
same gender might increase the likelihood of fu- with her father. After Katherine became involved
sion, recent research indicates that this is not the in women's rights, she had had several lesbian
240 CHAPTER [4
was her first live-in relation-

relationships, but Rita The initial therapy sessions focused on helping
ship. They had decided to commit to their relation- Katherine sort out her feelings and desires. She
ship permanently four months earlier, at which struggled to distinguish between her wish that her
point Katherine's symptoms had increased. parents would approve of her lesbianism, her desire
Rita, who came from a Puerto Rican family, had to be closer to them in general, and her overall wish
known clearly since high school that she was a les- for their approval of her behavior. She struggled
bian and had socialized with a gay social group with how to remain connected with her parents
from the time she began college. She had not seen even if they disapproved of her lesbianism and how
her father for years but felt close to her mother and to let go of her need for their approval. She was
sister. She had never spoken directly of her sexual coached to write a series of letters to each parent
orientation at home, but she had occasionally about her years of distancing and rebellion, her crit-
brought home female friends and sensed that her icism of them (for which she now apologized), and
mother, who had never remarried after divorcing her appreciation of how difficult her lesbian choice
her father when Rita was 7. might be lesbian herself must be for them. She spoke of her earlier fears that
without knowing it. She suspected that a paternal they would cut her off completely and her relief
aunt who had lived for years with another woman that they had not.
was lesbian also. Katherine's letters helped her to clarify that her
What precipitated Katherine's turmoil was her lesbianism was not a matter for her parents' ap-
announcement to her parents during a visit, which proval or disapproval. She came to see that discuss-
she always made without Rita, that she was lesbian. ing her life-style with them came from a deep need
Katherine said that she had decided to tell her par- to solidify her identity as an adult and end the se-
ents about this because she was tired of keeping her crecy of her life that had kept her distant from her
life a secret and she and Rita had recently decided parents. Luckily, through her motivation to under-
to have a commitment ceremony with their friends stand herself and her respect for her parents' limi-
present to formalize their relationship to each other. tations, she was able to keep her couplehood with
Her mother initially seemed not unsupportive, but Rita from being overburdened by her hurt. After six
her father had become extremely angry and told her months of therapy, Rita decided it was time to
this was just the last in a series of her "bad judg- speak directly with her own mother, realizing
ments" over many years. In several phone calls to through Katherine's efforts how much could be
her parents over the next weeks, she was greeted gained by ending the secrecy, even when, as with
with stony silence by both parents. Katherine's Katherine. the response had not been particularly
symptoms had begun just after this. Rita tried to be positive. Rita's mother said that she had known for
supportive, but she had disapproved of Katherine's years and was just waiting for Rita to feel comfort-
telling her parents about her homosexuality, believ- able telling her. When, a few months later, they had
ing that "parents never understand and there's no their marriage ceremony, Rita's mother, sister, and
point getting into all that." Rita had become in- paternal aunt came (though the aunt left her partner
creasingly resentful that Katherine's preoccupation at home), but only Katherine's sister attended from
with her parents was destroying their relationship. her family. While this was not what they might
Katherine had spoken also to a number of her les- have hoped, Katherine felt reassured that her "good
bian friends, whose general advice was to forget girl" sister had come. Perhaps in the future, when
about her parents because her father sounded like they hoped to have a baby, Katherine's sister would
"an insensitive redneck" and why bother. be able to assist the parents in moving toward more
As Katherine described her relationship with her acceptance, now that the sisterhood was solidified.
parents in therapy, it became clear that she was
As can be seen from this example, the sys-
seeking not only greater closeness with them but
temic problems around couple formation are
also their approval for her lesbian choice. Rita was
able to see without much effort that she had to let generally similar, regardless of the content of the
Katherine work out her own relationship with her problems. However, certain patterns are quite pre-
parents, whatever happened. She agreed to back off dictable for gay and lesbian couples, as they are for
and let Katherine figure things out for herself. religious, class, ethnic, or racial intermarriages.
BECOMING A COUPLE! 241
When the extended family is extremely negative of the marriage as a process of joining two fami-
toward the couple, tor whatever reason, we en- lies, and spending more than they can afford. Ac-
courage couples to take a long view, not trying to cording to a recent survey, the average wedding
turn the acceptance of their relationship into a yes- costs about $16,000, and in the New York area,
or-no event but working gradually over time to spending $25,000 is considered near the "lower
build bridges for famil) closeness. Other life cycle end" (White, 1997). Such spending reflects the
transitions, particular!) births and deaths, often distorted social mythology that make it difficult for
create shifts in famil) equilibrium that may allow couples and families to attend to the true meaning
for redefinitions of family status for the couple. of marriage. Today, with the changing mores, this
focus on the wedding may be less intense, but there
is still a large overlap of myth associated with mar-

THE WEDDING
ital bliss, which gets displaced onto wedding cele-
Whether weddings involve jumping the broom, as brations in a way that may be counterproductive.
in African American tradition: standing under a Indeed, researcher John Gottman has been making
huppa and crushing a w ine glass, as in Jewish tra- a very strong case for marital success depending
dition; or feasting for many days, as in Polish tra- on the mundane "mindless moments" of everyday
dition, weddings are among the most interesting life that create the emotional climate that will
family rituals to observe and one of the best times make a marriage work in the long run (Gottman.
for preventive intervention in family process. As 1994; Marano. 1997).
family events, weddings are generally the largest In addition, marriage may become a toxic is-
ceremonies organized by families themselves. The sue in a family because of their particular history.
organization of the wedding, who makes which
arrangements, who gets invited, who comes, who One couple. Ted and Andrea, had toxic issues on
pays, how much emotional energy goes into the both sides of their extended family. They were
preparations, and who gets upset and over which able, through premarital coaching, to field stormy
issues are all highly reflective of family process. reactions in their families so well that they proba-
In general, couples who marry in unconventional bly prevented years of simmering conflicts that
ceremonies, or without family or had hampered both extended families over several
ways, in civil
friends present have their reasons, most often fam-

generations. When they sought help, they said that
they were planning to marry in their apartment
ily disapproval because of race, religion, class,
with only a few friends present unless they could
money, or ethnicity; premarital pregnancy; an im-
bring their families around to accepting them as
pulsive decision to mam; a previous divorce; or
they were. Andrea"s parents had eloped after her
the inability or unwillingness of the parents to grandparents had refused to agree to their marriage
meet the costs of the wedding (Barker. 1978). because of religious differences, and her parents
From a clinical point of view, the emotional charge had hardly seen their families since. Ted's paternal
of such situations, when it leads to downplaying grandfather had had a heart attack at his son's
the marriage as a family event, may well indicate wedding reception and died the
(Ted's father's)
that the family members are unable to make the next day. Thus, weddings had become dreaded
events for both extended families.
status changes required to adapt to this new life
Ted and Andrea began their work by contacting
cycle stage and will have difficulty with future
extended family members to invite them personally
stages. As rituals, weddings are meant to facilitate
to their wedding. They used these conversations to
family transition. As such, they can be extremely
mention in a casual way the pain of the wedding
important in marking the change in status of family
history for the family. For example, when Ted
members and shifts in family organization. called his paternal grandmother, who was 85. and
Some families may overfocus on the w edding, who his parents had assured him would never come
putting all their energy into the event, losing sight to the wedding, he told her that his parents v. ere
242 CHAPTER 14
sure she couldn't make it but that it would mean a erably. Martha was able to let go of her indignation
great deal to him to have her there, especially since and move toward showing compassion for her
he feared his father might have a heart attack and he mother's fear of her family's rejection. When she
needed her support. The grandmother not only did this, she learned that the issue of family rejec-
made her own arrangements to have a cousin fly tion had a long history, back to the mother's own
with her, but arranged to stay with her son. Ted's fa- marriage to her father, whose limp had created
ther, for the week after the wedding. At the recep- much family disapproval twenty-five years earlier.
tion, both bride and groom made toasts in verse to
their families, in which they ticked off the charged

Family members often view others as being
issues with humor and sensitivity and made a spe- capable of "ruining" the event. A useful guideline is
cial point of spending time with family members. for each person to take his or her own responsibility
for having a good time at the wedding. It is also
Surprisingly, few couples ever seek premarital useful for the couple to recognize that marriage is a
counseling, in spite of the obvious difficulties in family event and not just for the two of them. From
negotiating this transition and the fact that preven- this perspective, parents' feelings about the service
tive intervention in relation to the extended fami- need to be taken into consideration in whatever
lies might be a great deal easier at this time than meaningful ways are possible. Martha had always
later in the life cycle. The most that can be said is
been "Daddy's girl," but through her premarital
that it is extremely useful if one has access to any work on her relationship with her mother, she de-
member of a family at the time of a wedding to en- cided to ask both parents to walk her down the aisle,
courage him or her to facilitate the resolution of since, she said, they had both contributed to who
family relationships through this nodal event. For she was. Her mother was extremely touched by this
example, it is often fruitful to convey to the couple
gesture, which allowed Martha to make a signifi-
that in-law struggles are predictable and need not cant redefining statement about her parents' mean-
be taken too personally. It is important for couples ing in her life. The more responsibility a couple
to recognize that the heightened parental tension can take for arranging a wedding that reflects their
probably relates to their sense of loss regarding the shifting position in their families and the joining of
marriage. When families argue about wedding ar-
the two systems, the more auspicious it will be for
rangements, the issues under dispute often cover their future relationship.
up underlying systemic issues:
Jim Marcus spent six months in coaching for his
Peter and Martha were in a crisis over their upcom- wedding, at which he wanted his actively alcoholic
ing wedding because of the preoccupation of Mar- mother and the three other mothering figures who
tha's mother. Anna Dorsey, with invitations and had played important roles in his life. His parents
seating arrangements. Martha's first marriage had had divorced when he was 5. His father remarried
been annulled, a fact that her extended family had for six years when Jim was 8 and again when he
never been told. Now Martha was furious at her was 15. He had grown up in his father's custody,
mother for not accepting her new marriage. Mrs. with a family housekeeper involved between his
Dorsey was embarrassed to invite her family to the father's marriages. Jim had distanced himself from
wedding, since they would now know that the first his alcoholic mother and from both stepmothers
marriage had not worked out. She hoped that with for many years. Through coaching, he was able to
a small wedding, "no one would notice." and over reverse the process of cut-off for the wedding. He
time, her relatives would think that the new hus- called his stepmothers and his childhood house-
band was the same one the daughter had married at keeper to invite them especially to his wedding,
the first wedding. Martha was incensed at what she discussing with each her importance in his life and
perceived to be her mother's rejection of her and how much would mean to him to have her
it
her new husband. Once she began talking to her present at his wedding celebration.
mother about how hard this second marriage must The next problem was the parents of his fiancee,
be for her mother, the tension diminished consid- Joan, who were planning an elaborate celebration
and w anted e\ er> thing to go according to the book. Helping couples means encouraging them to be-
This would have made Jim's less affluent family come pioneers in their sexual relationships, just as
very uncomfortable. Initially. Joan became quite it does in other aspects of forming a partnership,
reactive to her mother's tanc\ plans and her way of as opposed to the traditional couple relationship of
making decisions without discussion. At the sug-
a powerful, dominant male and a submissive,
gestion of the therapist. Juan arranged to spend a
responsive female. Helping couples to establish
day with her mother, during which she could dis-
flexible and intimate sexual relationships involves
cuss her feelings about her upcoming marriage and
approach her mother as a resource on how to han-
freeing them from the gender stereotypes that are
dle things. She discovered for the first time that her part of their familial and cultural heritage.
mother had been married in a small civil wedding From earliest childhood, boys are encouraged
because her Catholic parents disapproved of her to feel positive about their bodies sexually, w hereas
marriage to a Jewish immigrant who had no college girls are rarely encouraged even to be familiar with
education. Joan learned how her mother had their genitalia, let alone to enjoy them. Boys typi-
yearned for a "proper wedding.'" She realized that cally begin to masturbate from earliest childhood,
her mother's wishes to do everything in a fancy
Women
girls not till midadolescence. if then. gen-
w a\ had grow n out of her own unrealized dreams
erally have to bear the burden of the repercussions
and were an attempt to give Joan something she had
of sexuality in terms of pregnancy or contracep-
missed. With this realization, Joan could share her
tion, and in many groups, they are prohibited from
own w ish for a simple celebration to make Jim feel
using contraception and from refusing sex. All the
comfortable, especially because of all the problems
in his family, which she had never mentioned to her consequences of sexuality, from pregnancy to sex-
mother before. She asked her mother for advice on ually transmitted diseases, to women's lack of so-
how to handle the situation. She told her how un- cialization to be proud of being sexual or even
comfortable she was about the divorces in Jim's knowing how their bodies work, make it surprising
family and her fears that her own relatives would that sex works out as often as it does, not that it so
disapprove of him. especially if all his mothering often becomes a problem for a couple.
figures attended the wedding. Suddenly, her
The current generation has much more sexual
mother's attitude changed from dictating how
experience and knowledge than previous genera-
things had to be done to a helpful and much more
tions did. While the age at marriage has been in-
casual attitude. A week later. Joan's mother told
creasing, the age at sexual maturation and at first
Jim that if there was any way she could facilitate
things with his mother, stepmothers, or other guests.
intercourse have decreased (Seidman & Reider,
she would be glad to do it.

1994). Women as well as men are having sex with
more partners than before. The vast majority of
Friendship systems and extended family re- young adults (approximately 90 percent) are sexu-
lationships frequently change after the wedding. ally experienced, and most have sex regularly.
Many couples have difficulty maintaining individ- They are having sex with more partners and at
ual friendships and move, at least in the first years, younger ages than ever before. At the same time,
toward having only "couple friends." We encour- anxieties about AIDs. herpes, and other sexually
age spouses to keep their individual friendship net- transmitted diseases are a continuous issue for
works, which allow the spouses to maintain their young couples today.
individual interests and preferences. In the past, as Carter notes, if a husband lost
interest in sex. therapists assumed that he was hav-

ing an affair. Now we ask about recent changes in
SEXUALITY
the wife's income and status, since sexuality seems
Our society has almost no images of equality in so clearly linked with power issues in marriage. If
sexuality that would help us in developing sexually the wife is not interested in sex, ask detailed ques-
gratifying partnership relationships (Carter. 1996). tions about power issues in the couple relationship.
—
244 CHAPTER 14
Even when a woman develops a flirtation or affair, family. In any case, spouses deal with their fami-
explore whether her behavior is an attempt (how- lies in many different ways. Many find marriage
ever misguided) to empower herself through a sex- the only way to separate from their families of
ual relationship because as a woman she has felt origin, and their enmeshment in the family con-
disempowered overall in the relationship. Our ex- tinues even after marriage. Patterns of guilt, intru-
perience is that techniques to enhance sexual en- siveness, and unclear boundaries are typical of
joyment are only a small part of dealing with a such systems. Other couples cut off their families
couple's sexual problems. Beyond the use of the emotionally even before marriage. In these sit-
techniques of Masters and Johnson and others who uations, the partners may not even invite their
have helped to increase our knowledge of men's and parents to the wedding. Parents are seen as with-
women's sexual response, it is important to con- holding and rejecting, and the couple decides to
sider the power dimension in a couple's relation- do without them. Another pattern involves contin-
ship when they are experiencing sexual difficulty. ued contact with parents but with ongoing con-
Sex is at the heart of expressions of intimacy, and flicts or tension pushed under the rug. In such
the inability to express intimacy is very likely to be families, there is usually involvement of the ex-
related to familial and cultural factors that have tended family in the marriage plans but often with
made intimacy in this form and most forms almost fights, hurt feelings, and scenes around the time of
impossible for men and women in our society. In the wedding. This pattern is perhaps the most
addition to exploring sexuality in the extended amenable to future resolution of the issues. The
example Hof & Berman's (1986)
family, using, for conflicts indicate that at least the family is strug-
sexual genogram and David Snarch's ideas re- gling with separating and is not forcing it under-
garding the "sexual crucible" (1992) to underground as in enmeshed or cut-off families. The
stand the specific messages that partners have ideal situation, and the one that is very rarely
been given about their bodies, their own sexual- found, occurs when both partners have become in-
ity, and their expectations about what is sexy with dependent of their families before marriage and at
a partner, therapists need to pay much more atten- the same time maintain close, caring ties. In such
tion than we have to the larger cultural dimen- instances, the wedding would serve for all the
sions within which our sexual relationships evolve family as a sharing and a celebration of the new
(Carter, 1996; Heyn, 1992; Schwartz, 1994; Snarch, couple's shift in status.
1991). That means, primarily, to pay attention The second pattern of dealing with parents in-
to the implicit power dimensions influencing this volves cutting off the relationships in an attempt to
aspect and all other aspects of a couple's rela- gain independence. Many such couples develop re-
tionship. Given the very high levels of violence strictive couple patterns that work until later devel-
against wives in marriage and the trouble our na- opmental stages destabilize them.
tion is still having acknowledging the concept of The third common pattern of relationships with
marital rape, we must be very cautious about lim- extended family involves closeness but avoidance of
iting our work with a couple to the interior of certain issues. In such families, marriages are excel-
their intimate relationship and ignoring the power lent opportunities to reopen closed relationships
dimensions. for example, inviting to the wedding relatives with
whom parents are out of touch. It is a good chance

to detoxify emotional issues, reviewing marital
and family ties over several generations as part of
PATTERNS WITH EXTENDED FAMILY
redefining the system. However, the underlying
Women tend to move closer to their families of or- tensions often surface reactively at the time of tran-
igin after marriage; men may become more dis- sition in emotional scenes or arguments around
tant, shifting their primary tie to the new nuclear wedding plans, only to go underground again as
HI C ()\1l\(, \ CO! I'l I 245
family members try to act happy and friendly so feel the parents have granted "permission" for
as not to create unpleasantness. The attempt to them to marry successfully.
smooth things over in itself often creates the likeli-
hood of problems. The fact that all change creates
disruption and uncertainty in the system needs to be
IN-LAWS
dealt with in the familv if the developmental pro-
cesses are to move along. For example, it may be Among the problematic triangles for the couple, the
easier for the familv to nunc on if they are in touch one involving husband, wife, and husband's mother
with their sense of loss at the time of the wedding is probably the most renowned. In-laws are easy
and if they are a bit confused and uneasy about how scapegoats for familv tensions. It is always much
to manage the new relationships. Whatever the pat- easier to hate your daughter-in-law for keeping
terns of difficulty with extended family — conflict, your son from showing his love than to admit that
enmeshment. distance, or cut-off — the lack of res- your son doesn't respond to you the way you wish
olution of these relationships is the major problem he would. It may be easier for a daughter-in-law to
in negotiating this phase of the family life cycle. hate her mother-in-law for intrusiveness than to
The more the triangles in the extended family are confront her husband directly for not committing
dealt with by an emotional cut-off. the more the himself fully to the marriage and defining a bound-
spouse may come to represent more than who he or ary in relation to outsiders. In-law relationships are
she is. overloading the circuits in time. If the hus- a natural arena for displacing tensions in the couple
band's relationship with his wife is his only mean- or in the family of origin of each spouse. The con-
ingful relationship, he will be so sensitive to her verse of this is the pattern of a spouse who has cut
every reaction, especially to any hint of rejection, off his or her own family and seeks to adopt the
that he will overreact to signs of differentness by spouse's family, forming a warm, enmeshed fusion
pulling her to agree with him or blaming her for not with the in-laws based on defining his or her own
accepting him. The intensity will probably make family as cold, rejecting, uninteresting, and so on.
the relationship untenable eventually. Our culture's Our society generally focuses blame on the
social mobility and overfocus on the nuclear family mother-in-law rather than on the father-in-law.
to the neglect of all other relationships contributes who is usually seen as playing a more benign role.
to this tendency to place more emotional demand Just as mothers get blamed for what goes wrong in
on a marriage than it can bear. Once a spouse be- families because of their being given primary re-
comes overly involved in the other's response, both sponsibility for family relationships, so do mothers-
become bound up in a web of fusion and unable to in-law get primary blame by extension. Many fac-
function for themselves. tors contribute to this process. Just as wives are
Some couples transfer parental struggles to given responsibility for handling a husband's
the spouse directly. Others choose a spouse who emotional problems, so are they often put in the
handles their family for them. A man may choose a position of expressing issues for all other family
wife who is totally unacceptable to his parents and
then let her fight his battles with them, while he be-
comes the "innocent bystander." The price that
even, one pays in such situations is the failure to
SIBLING ISSUES IN COUPLE FORMATION
achieve any real connection, since issues can never
be resolved when other members are brought in to Siblings may also displace their problems in deal-
handle one's relationships. ing with each other onto the intrusion of a new
When family members have served a central spouse. Predictable triangles are especially likely
function in their parents' lives or in the preserva- between a husband and his wife's brothers or be-
tion of their parents' marital balance, they may not tween a wife and her husband's sisters. The sisters
246 CHAPTER 14
may see their brother's wife as having no taste, as ferences. This may be more of a problem in the
infusing the brother with superficial values, and so United States, where people from so many diverse
forth. What the system misses in such instances is cultural backgrounds marry and find themselves
that the brother probably chose his wife as a pro- in conflict because each starts out with such differ-
tection from his sisters, perhaps to set the limits ent basic assumptions (Crohn, 1994; McGoldrick,
that he never dared set alone or to allow him to dis- Giordano, & Pearce, 1996; McGoldrick & Preto,
tance himself without the guilt of doing it directly. 1984).
Often, the brother will get his wife to take over
A young couple applied for therapy after a year of
dealing with his family altogether, which usually
marriage because the wife said she was convinced
succeeds only in escalating the tension. Of course, husband did not love her and
that her that he had
a person may also use the extended family to dis-
changed after they got married. The wife was the
tance himself or herself from a spouse without tak- fifth of seven children from a Brooklyn family of
ing responsibility for it, under the guise of family Italian extraction. She had met her husband in
duty: "I'd love to spend the day with you, honey, college and was extremely attracted to his quiet
but I have to visit my parents." strength and strong life ambitions. He was from a
Good clues about a couple can be found in the midwestern Protestant family in which as an only
marital relationships of each partner's parents, the child, he was strongly encouraged by his parents to
work hard and to live a morally upright life. He had
couple's primary models for what marriage is about.
found her vivacious and charming and had also
The other basic model for spouses is their relation-
been attracted to her family because of their open
ship with their siblings, their earliest and closest
affection and because, in contrast to his own "up-
peers. Couples who marry mates from complemen- tight" parents, they always seemed to have a good
tary sibling positions tend to enjoy the greatest mar- time.
ital stability (Toman, 1976). In other words, the Under stress, the couple found that the very
older brother of a younger sister will tend to get qualities that had attracted them to each other be-
along best with a younger sister of an older brother. came The husband became for the
the problem.
They will tend to have fewer power conflicts, since wife "an unfeeling stone." She complained, "He
he will be comfortable as the leader and she as the doesn't care about my feelings at all and ignores
follower. In addition, they will tend to be comfort- me completely." For the husband, the wife's viva-
able with the opposite sex, since they have grown ciousness now became "hysteria" and he found
her "nagging, emotional outbursts, and screaming"
up with opposite-sex siblings. Those who marry
unbearable.
spouses who are not in complementary sibling posi-
As we discussed in therapy their very different
tions may have more marital adjustments to make in
family styles of coping with stress, their opposing
this regard. An extreme case would be the oldest of
assumptions became obvious. In the husband's
many brothers who marries the oldest of many sis- family, the rule was that you should keep your
ters. Both would expect to be the leader and would problems to yourself and think them out: with
probably have difficulty understanding why the enough effort and thought, most problems could be
other does not acknowledge their leadership, since worked out. The wife's family dealt with stress by
they are used to having this at home. In addition, getting together and ventilating. The family related
they will be less comfortable with the opposite sex, intensely at all times but especially when family
grew up members were upset. These styles had been turned
since they in strongly single-sexed environ-
inward in the marriage and were tightening things
ments (Toman, 1976).
even more. The more the wife felt isolated and
needed contact, the more loudly she sought atten-
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES tionand the more the husband withdrew to get

some space and to maintain his balance. The more
Another arena that becomes problematic in a mar- he withdrew, the more frustrated and alone the wife
riage under stress is the cultural or family style dif- felt. Both partners had turned their differences, ini-
ualh labeled as the source ol attraction, into the 12. The wedding occurs without family or friends
problem and had begun to see the other's behavior present.
as a sure sign of not earing. Neither had been able 13. The wife becomes pregnant before or within
to see that their tamiK Styles were just different.
the first year of marriage.
The) were compounding the difficult) b\ moving
14. Either spouse has a poor relationship with his
further into their own pattern, each blaming the
or her siblings or parents.
other for the other's response.
15. Either spouse considers his or her childhood
Once the famil) patterns could be clarified in
or adolescence to have been unhappy time.
the context of the extended family and ethnic-
backgrounds, the spouses uere able to temper 16. Marital patterns in either extended family
their responses and to see their differences as were unstable.

neutral, rather than as signs of psychopathology 17. One or both partners believe implicitly or ex-
or rejection. plicitly that men's rights, needs, or privilege
should predominate in marriage and that
women should serve the needs of others.

ISSUES IN MARITAL ADJUSTMENT
Adjustment to marriage is being profoundly
Generally speaking, establishing successful mari-
affected by the changing role of women in our so-
tal partner relationships is more problematic if:
ciety, the frequency of marriage of partners from
1. The partners come to the marriage with marked widely different cultural backgrounds, the increas-
differences in power, socioeconomic status, or ing physical distance from families of origin, and
career options. the diminishing role of community in supporting
2. One spouse is financially dependent on the families. Couples are increasingly isolated and ex-
other because of lack of employment or job pected to manage their lives and families without
skills. thecommunity supports that in the past were a pri-
3. The husband tries to isolate the wife from mary resource in raising children and meeting
work, friends or family, to control her finan- family needs. While any two family systems are
cially or to intimidate her physically. different and have conflicting patterns and expec-
4. The couple meets or marries shortly after a tations, couples in our present culture are less
significant loss. bound by family traditions and are freer than ever
5. The wish to distance from one's family of or- before to develop male-female relationships unlike
igin is a factor in the marriage. those they experienced in their families of origin.
6. The family backgrounds of the spouses are Couples are required to think out for themselves
significantly different (religion, education, so- many things that in the past would have been taken
cial class, ethnicity, the ages of the partners i. for granted. This applies also to the enormous gap
7. The spouses come from incompatible sibling that often exists in our culture between parents and
constellations. children in education and social status. When there
8. The couple resides either extremely close to are educational differences between parents and
or at a great distance from either family of children, it appears better for marital stability
origin. when children are more successful than their par-
9. The couple is dependent on either extended ents than when parents are more successful than
family financially, physically, or emotionally. their children. Nevertheless, any large gap is obvi-
10. The couple marries early (before age 20) or ously a strain, since parents, siblings, and children
late (after age 35). will have to adjust to large differences in experi-
11. The couple marries after an acquaintanceship ence. At the same time, cultural differences add
of less than six months or more than three flexibility to the system and stretch the family to
years of engagement. become more adaptive.
(
248 CHAPTER 14
REFERENCES
Almeida. R.. Woods, R.. Messineo, T., & Font, R. (1998). Hof. L., & Berman, E. (1986). The sex genogram. Jour-
The contextual model. InM. McGoldrick (Ed.). Re- nal of Marital and Family Therapy, 12( 1 ), 39^47.
visioning family therapy: Race, gender, and culture Laird, J. & Green, R. J. ( 1 996). Lesbians and gays in cou-
in clinical practice. New York: The Guilford Press. ples and families. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Apter, T. (1985). Why women don't have wives. New Lerner, M. (1995). The oppression of singles. Tikkun,
York: Schoken. 70(6), 9-11.
Barker, D. L. (1978). A proper wedding. In M. Corbin Marano, H. E. (1997, May 28). Rescuing marriages be-
(Ed.), The Couple. New York: Penguin. fore they begin. New York Times.
Bepko, C. & Krestan, J. (1985). The responsibility trap. McGoldrick, M. (1995). You can go home again: Recon-
New York: The Free Press. necting with your family. New York: Norton.
Bernard, J. (1982). The future of marriage. New Haven, McGoldrick, M. & Preto, N. G. (1984). Ethnic Intermar-
CT: Yale University Press. riage: Implications for therapy. Family Process,
Blumstein, P.. & Schwartz. Pepper. (1983). American 23(3), 347-363.
couples: Money, work and sex. New York: William Nichols, M. & Leiblum, S. (1986). Lesbianism as a
Morrow. personal identity and social role: A model. Af-
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. filia, 48-59.
New York: Jason Aronson. Purdum, T. S. (1996, September 23). Gay rights groups
Carstensen. Gottman, & Levenson. (1995). Emotional attack Clinton on midnight signing. New York
behavior in long-term marriage. Psychology and Times.
Aging, 10(1), 140-149. Rilke, R. M. (1954). Letters to a Young Poet, translated
Carter, B. (1996). Love, Honor and Negotiate. New York: by D. M. Hester. New York: Norton.
Pocketbooks. Roberts, S. (1994). Who we are: A portriat of America
Glaser, C. (1996 September 16). Marriage as we see it. based on the latest U.S. Census. New York: Times
Newsweek, 19. Books.
Gottman, J. (1993). The roles of conflict engagement, Roth. S. (1985). Psychotherapy with lesbian couples: In-
escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A dividual issues, female socialization and the social
longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of context. Journal of Marital Tlierapy, lid), 273—286.
Counseling and Clinical Psychology, 61, 1 ), 6-15. Satir, V. (1967). Conjoint family therapy. Palo Alto: Sci-
Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. New ence & Behavior Books.
York: Simon & Schuster. Schwartz. P. (1994). Peer marriage: How love between
Green, R. J.. Bettinger, M., & Zacks, E. (1996). Are les- equals really works. New York: The Free Press.
bian couples "fused" and gay male couples "disen- Seidman, S. N. & Rieder, R. O. (1994). A review of sex-
gaged?": Questioning gender straightjackets. In J. ual behavior in the United States. American Journal
Laird & R. J. Green (Eds.), Lesbians and gays in of Psychiatry, 151(3), 330-341.
couples and families. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Slater, S. (1995). The lesbian family life cycle. New York:
Grohn, J. (1988). In M. McGoldrick (Ed.), Raising The Free Press.
family therapy: Race, culture and gender in clinical Snarch. D. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible.
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Gurin. G.. Veroff, J., & Feld, S. (1980) Americans view Steinhauer. J. (1995, April 10). Big benefits in marriage,
their mental health. New York: Basic Books. studies say. New York Times, p. A 10.
Heilbrun. C. ( 1988). Writing a woman 's life. New York: Toman, W. (1976) Family constellation (3rd ed.). New
Norton. York: Springer.
Heyn, D. ( 1992). The erotic silence of the American wife. White, C. C. R. ( 1997, July 5). The price a woman pays
New York: Random House. to say "I do." New York Times.
Chapter 15
BECOMING PARENTS
THE FAMILY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN
BETTY CARTER
Experiences spiral through the life cycle, presenting the same lessons from
new angles: parenthood offers a new view of childhood, so does
grandparenthood and so also the roles we are sometimes offered in
relation to the children of friends. ...It is possible even for childhood to be

twice learned, seen from the outside as well as the inside
—Mary Catherine Bateson. Peripheral Visions (p. 40)
INTRODUCTION and child, a central icon in cultures and religions

from time immemorial. This basic assumption that
Let it be stated here at the outset that becoming a motherhood — and, by extension, parenthood — is
parent is one of the most definitive stages of life, a an automatic leap ahead in status, joy, and fulfill-
crossing of the Rubicon. Once there is a child, life ment seems not to be much questioned, though the
will never be the same again, for better and for step may be delayed by couples who are concerned
worse. It is certainly true that most parents fall pas- with educational and/or career goals. However, it
sionately in love with their new babies and con- is hard for young couples to make a realistic deci-
sider them fascinating, delightful, and unique sion about whether or when to have children be-
additions to the family. However, the roller coaster cause of the tremendous role played by the
of the early months and years still comes as a emotions and by social pressures. A person who
shock to almost all new parents: sleep deprivation, remembers a happy childhood and good parents
shredded schedules, endless chores, worry about wants to repeat that experience, while someone es-
the baby's development or one's own competence, caping a terrible childhood often seems impelled
and the need for ceaseless vigilance. This sudden to try to do differently. Women especially sel-
it
threat of chaos puts enormous stress on new par- dom escape the culture's view that a childless
ents and on their relationship, since no amount of woman is not a "real" woman. For both sexes, par-
doing ever seems enough to get the job done before enthood seems to provide the final ticket for accep-
it needs to be done again. At this stage, the tremen- tance into adulthood: the woman mothering and
dous rewards of parenthood, expressed in all cul- the man "providing."
tures across the ages, can seem largely theoretical. I believe that the transition to parenthood and
But still, there is much more mythology and the care of young children has become even more
romantic fantasy attached to this transition than difficult than it used to be, a situation that is often
there is realistic expectation. Most of the mythol- not appreciated by childless adults or by older par-
ogy paints a glowing picture, especially of mother ents who raised their children in a less complicated
249
250 CHAPTER 15
(though not necessarily better) time. So let us learn friends. As with other family transition rituals, is-
about the contemporary problems and see how we sues about how and where the event is celebrated
can help. The need is certainly widespread, since and who gets invited reflect the ongoing extended-
90 percent of all couples who can have children do family process. Whether there is a ritual or a party
so, moving 3,000 couples to parenthood each year or not, the new member in the system is greeted
in the United States (Belsky & Kelly, 1994). with many differing emotional reactions, depend-
ing on its sex, its health, how it is named, how long
itwas awaited, what kind of relationship its parents

Expectations versus Reality
have with their various family members, whether
As was indicated above, this most romanticized the grandparents approved of the marriage, and
of life transitions creates false expectations in whether they're all doing their part to shift to adult-
young couples. Society relates only to the plea- to-adult relationships in the parent-grandparent
sures of life with baby, and there is relentless generations.
social criticism of any departure from the A first grandchild also creates new grand-
traditional view of the family that is created by parents, who often jump into their new role with-
the birth of a child. This criticism is especially out much planning or discussion with their
virulent in the right-wing discourse on "family children, not realizing that there are as many
values" (Blankenhorn, 1995), which endlessly at- ways to grandparent as to parent. No way is
tacks nontraditional couples, women who choose "right," but some ways fit their lives and their
their legal right to abortion instead of parenthood, children's lives better than others, and it is best
mothers who choose or need to go to work, and when the issue is discussed early on. Complaints
couples with children who believe that divorce is about intrusive or indifferent grandparents — or de-
their best or only option. The impact of these so- manding or neglectful adult children — are signs of
cial and economic forces on couples is often out- the need for such discussion.
side of the couple's awareness. Whether parents maintain close or distant ex-
In their comprehensive study of the transition tended family relationships, they can expect to in-
of parenthood, Jay Belsky and John Kelly (1994) herit major unresolved extended family issues
found that "individuals who entered the transition and patterns. Multigenerational patterns, triangles,
with fewer romantic and exaggerated expectations ghosts, and taboo issues are best examined by the
are more likely to emerge from the transition hap- parents and dealt with at this time, lest they engulf
pier about their marriages and their spouses than thenew family in emotional problems that they
individuals who enter the starting gate wearing may think they can ignore or evade. On the positive
rose-colored glasses" (p. 2). They also found that side, this is a good stage of the family life cycle to
couples and their marriage tended to continue engage parents in doing family of origin work,
along the trajectory they were on at the time of be- even if they have previously resisted or ignored op-
coming parents, whether this was a decline in their portunities to continue their emotional differentia-
relationship, an improvement, or no change. tion efforts. Parents will do many things for their
children's sake that they won't do for themselves,
and this fact provides therapeutic leverage for the

The Emotional System
coaching process (see Chapter 26). It is also a good
The new baby is born or adopted into an extended time for grandparents to give up old grievances and
family system that must now make emotional and make new efforts to relate positively to their adult
relationship shifts to make a place for the new children and the children's spouses. I sometimes
member. Many families celebrate the event with a remind grandparents that in a society with such a
religious ritual: a christening, bris, or naming cer- high divorce rate, it is wise to be good friends with
emony, usually followed by a party for family and your daughter-in-law.
)
BECOMING PARENTS 251
Child Care • Children of single parents are more likely to
be cared for bv grandparents than are children

Child care is the number one practical concern and
oi married couples.
problem at this phase of the life cycle, and the
• Relativ es prov ide a great deal of child care for
United States is the onl) industrialized nation m
preschoolers in poor families and welfare re-
the world that leaves it to individual families to ar-
cipients because of the expense of organized
range and pav tor child care themselves. Accord-
facilities.
ing to the latest figures of the U.S. Census Bureau
• Child care is more expensive in metropolitan
(Casper. 1997). poor families who paid for child
areas and most expensive in the Northeast.
care spent 18 percent of their income on it: non-
poor families, although they paid more for child
Clinically, family therapists should assume
care, spent 7 percent of their income.
that most working mothers feel guilty or anxious
Another Census Bureau report (Casper.
about the welfare of their babies and toddlers,
1996) states that o\ the 9.9 million children of
whether they are financially required to work or
working mothers under age 5 in 1993. almost half
not. Fueling the guilt and anxiety are the steady
(40 percent were cared for primarily by relatives.
i
stream of media reports decrying the poor quality

The interesting breakdowns in this report are as
of American child care.
follows:
The nation has 97.000 child care centers, of
• 30 percent children in organized facilities (day- which only 5.000 are accredited by the National
care, nursery school) Association for the Education of Young Children.
• 6 percent cared for by mothers working at One study (Whitebrook. 1997) rated only 61 per-
home cent of the accredited centers and 1 percent of the
• 1 6 percent cared for by fathers nonaccredited centers as good: That's 12.200
• 1 7 percent cared for by grandparents "good" centers out of 97.000! Articles frequently
• 9 percent by other re lam es criticize care by relatives as less good than care by
• 21 percent by nonrelatives (in-home babysit- high-quality child care centers. This, of course, has
ters or family day care providers serious implications for poor and working-class
families who rely on child care by relatives and
The report notes that the increase in child care
have little or no other choice.
by fathers between 1988 and 1991 was initially
A further source of anxiety are the frequent re-
thought to be part of a social trend for fathers to
ports that a baby's intellectual development de-
become more involved in child care. However, it
pends on being spoken to regularly by an attentiv e.
w as reevaluated w hen the recession of that period
engaged human being during the first year of life.
ended around 1 99 1 and care of preschoolers by fa-
Even the affluent, paying for expensive live-in
thers dropped back dow n from a high of 20 percent
nanny care in their own homes, are not free from
to 16 percent. Family daycare in the provider's
worry about what actually transpires in their ab-
home also dropped to 1 7 percent from a high of 24
sence. And their anxiety peaks during the occa-
percent in 1988 following media reports of child
sional, but highly publicized, cases of nanny abuse
abuse and neglect in such settings.
of children.
The follow ing are further relevant items in this
Lost in all of this highly charged debate is the
report:
fact that most studies find that children w ho attend
• Mothers w orking part-time or evening or night high-quality daycare centers are found to have
shifts find it easier to arrange for relative and better intellectual and social skills than children
in-home care. who have not been to daycare. But the obvious
• Black and Latina mothers rely more heavily solution to the problem —public funding that will
on relatives for child care than Whites do. guarantee that all American child care centers are
252 CHAPTER 15
high quality — is completely overwhelmed by ap- article by Danielle Crittenden (1995) in The New-
peals for a more familiar alternative: It's so much York Times entitled "Motherhood Uowers Pay"
cheaper and easier (for whom?) if mothers sim- states that young women (age 27 to 33) who re-
ply stay home with their children; never mind main childless now earn 98 percent of what men of
that this is economically and culturally impossi- thesame age earn, whereas the average pay for all
ble. Notice especially that these exhortations are women, which includes working mothers, is only
directed only toward women. It remains to be 76 percent.
seen whether the funding that some politicians Following the landmark study done by sociol-
propose periodically can actually be enacted into ogist Arlie Hochschild. which instantly gave new
law and, if so, whether it will be enough to help meaning to the phrase "second shift" (Hochschild.
significantly. 1989). family therapists became more alert to the

The most important move that clinicians can unfair share of housework done by women even
make regarding this issue is to ensure that it is when both parents worked outside the home. Many
discussed as a parental problem, not a mothering of us found that this was confirmed in our clinical
problem. practices and we included the issue in books meant
to help the general public deal with current family
problems (Carter & Peters 1997; Taffel. 1994). In

1994. men were reported doing 34 percent of the
GENDER ISSUES IN PARENTING work at home, up from 20 percent in 1965 (Pleck.
1994). That still leaves women doing 66 percent
The Work-Family Dilemma
and, if both are working full time outside the
Because the two-paycheck family is now the U.S. home, is still unfair. None of this, however, should
norm, some parental adjustment in work schedule be interpreted as an excuse to call for women to re-
is necessary when children are born. Seventy per- turn home and make it all work out again. In a re-
cent of U.S. women of working age are currently cent four-year study funded by NIMH (Barnett &
in the full-time workforce, including more than Rivers. 1996), the researchers found two-income
half of mothers with children under the age of 6. couples healthier and happier in every way. in spite
However, it is still assumed in the workplace and of long work hours. In addition, they pointed out
by the couple themselves that the dilemma of jug- astutely that the whole conservative push for
glingwork and family is solely the mother's di- women to stay home with their children also has
lemma. Depending largely on their economic the unacknowledged goal of protecting men's jobs
situation and the mother's career aspirations, she in an era of corporate downsizing.
may quit work altogether, cut back to part time, or The three unresolved problems of the work-
make whatever child care arrangements she can to family dilemma remain the unequal participation
keep working full time. If these alternatives are not of men in the work at home, the inflexibility of the
what she expected to face or don't work out satis- workplace, and the growing number of hours of
factorily, she may become increasingly resentful work in the lives of both men and women.
and exhausted, probably blaming her husband and In this regard. Arlie Hochschild has provided
envying his single-track pursuit of work. Current us with another provocative study of work and
job insecurity at all economic levels only adds to home life (Hochschild, 1997). The sociologist
the pressure men already feel not to "rock the studied a major American company (name dis-
boat" at work by asking for any special consider- guised), seeking reasons for the fact that even
ation because of family matters. This rigidity of when businesses do offer enlightened programs,
the work system most severely affects working such as flextime. part time, and job sharing (and
mothers, who are passed over for promotion or most companies still don't), only a very small per-
raises on the so-called "mommy track." An op-ed centage of employees use them. For example, in
1990. 88 percent of Fortune 500 manufacturing workers' income, the more time their children
firms offered part-time work to full-time workers, spent in child care; and in a large survey, only 9
but only 3—5 percent o\ employees applied for it. percent felt that they were able to balance work
Forty-five percent offered flextnne. but only 10 and family well. This guilt. Hochschild says, leads
percent of employees used it. The usual reasons to the "third shift." in which parents try. through
given for this are that workers can't afford to work treats, toys, and "quality time." to do damage con-
part time: that the> fear being laid off if they cut trol on the emotional consequences for children of
back; that they are poorly informed of company such compressed famil) life.
policy; that the policies are really only for "show" Hochschild offers suggestions for workplace
and users will be penalized; that even if the com- improvements but also makes it clear that in the
pany is sincere, middle managers disapprove and presence of global capitalism, the decline of la-
are reluctant to cooperate: and finally, that women bor unions, and the erosion of civil society, work-
and minorities have to work more, not less, to ers' individual solutions will not change the
prove their competence. system and may even disadvantage the individu-
Hochschild agrees that all of these reasons als who use them. To change our society, the real
have merit and are often inextricabh woven into a culprit, she calls for the organization of a "Time
corporate culture that frowns on the intrusion of Movement" to bring us back to the question that
family into work time. However, she adds another, was first raised by the women's movement and
more startling, finding: that home has become such then, perhaps, detoured by drastic post-Cold War
a time-deprived hassle for working parents that economic and technological changes: "How can
women as well as men have begun to seek escape women become men's equals in a more child-
from those pressures b\ willingly spending more oriented and civic minded society?" If home and
time at the office or the factory, where they have work were nationally restructured to benefit fam-
found friends, helping networks, and community. ilies, and not left up to individual affluence, ini-
Women and members of minorities who succeed at tiative, and willingness to risk one's job. then
work also value the respect and heightened self-es- men, women and children could only benefit.
teem that comes with their paychecks. Even those Hochschild says.
who start out hoping to avoid the corporate mold Clinically then, it is very important that family
find that as they move up. they are changed by the therapists label the work-family problem as a so-
system far more than they are able to change the cial problem, to be dealt with by the couple, not a
company's rules. To be given executive authority "woman's problem" for her to struggle with alone.
and significant raises in salary, employees have to Having clients read books, such as those mentioned
demonstrate that nothing interferes with their ac- here, and discussing the issue at length in therapy,
ceptance and pursuit of corporate goals. Although should lead to the personal solutions which are
generally unspoken, this certainly rules out em- what therapy is designed to produce and may also
ployees' demands for time, money, or privileges promote social or political action by the client in
that might benefit family but at corporate cost. workplace or community. Whenever a client com-
The higher the rise, the more unquestionable these plains of a social or community problem, it is use-
priorities must be until the employee hardly rec- ful for the therapist to ask. "Is there anything you
ognizes anymore the distinction between what's can do about that?" In my clinical practice, when
good for the company and what's good for the asked that question, one couple organized their
family. In any case, a loyal and well paid insider friends to spruce up and repair their dreary child
doesn't usually want to lead the fight for subordi- care center, a woman executive lobbied for better
nates who want to challenge corporate policy. maternity and paternity benefits in her father's
This total immersion work has led to more
in company, and a young African American man got
parental guilt. Hochschild found. The higher the his church to sponsor a chapter of "Mad Dads" to
254 CHAPTER 15
take back their neighborhood from teen gangs and Kraines, quoted in the above article, "the marriage
drug dealers (Carter & Peters, 1997). can't tolerate two careers" (p. 23).
In light of the severity of the role conflict and

socioeconomic squeeze on families with young
The Power Imbalance
children, it is not surprising to discover that this is
All of the above problems usually combine to pro- the phase of the family life cycle with the highest
duce a strong shift of power in the previously equal divorce rate or that poorer couples have twice the
middle-class "new couple" back toward the tradi- divorce rate of financially comfortable ones (Norton
tional arrangement of breadwinner dad and do- & Miller, 1992.)
mestic mom. Suddenly, or insidiously, the husband In addition to money, the issues of time, isola-
is earning and managing all or most of the money. tion, sexual dissatisfaction, and problems with dis-
He feels entitled to cast the deciding vote or veto tribution of chores arise out of the power shift that
on expenditures, and his wife does not feel entitled pushes the couple back toward traditional roles ( Ault-
to contest his position nor to demand equal access Riche, 1994; Carter & Peters, 1997). These are often
to their money and equal voice in decisions. She the complaints that resound endlessly in therapy
becomes increasingly resentful, while he feels un- sessions, tempting the therapist to work on practical
appreciated. In the absence of an understanding of solutions to specific issues instead of on the power
the failure of current social policy and lack of imbalance itself, which, when righted, will enable
workplace support for their equal partnership, they the couple to negotiate fair resolutions of their own.
blame each other, and their conflict and dissatis- The sexual problems that appear at this stage,
faction with each other rise. Many couples in this often arguments over frequency, may be a result of
predicament contemplate divorce and/or go to cou- the new mother's exhaustion, especially if she is
ples therapy. nursing, but also may become an arena in which to

An exception to the tendency of couples to conduct their power struggle. The first is transient
shift back to traditional roles after children are and will pass; the second is an ominous threat to
born is couples in which the wife earns more the couple's relationship and, if not dealt with at
money than her husband. This number, currently this stage, will do much to corrode their subse-
estimated at about 25 percent of working wives, quent life together.

continues to grow. It has been my clinical observa- Time now becomes a rare commodity, and as
tion that wives who earn more than their husbands the new father buckles down to work and the need
don't use that as power over their husbands but for more money, and as the new mother becomes
continue to minimize or deny the importance of absorbed in the care of her infant, in addition to con-
their earnings and often continue to do or manage tinuing to work outside the home, their time alone
most of the housework. They do, however, use it as together may virtually disappear. Jay Belsky found
empowerment of themselves, being more willing that recreational activities for new parents dropped
than lower-earning wives to negotiate assertively 40 percent during year one, and he reported that in a
with their husbands in decision making. I have Parenting magazine survey, 8 1 percent of couples
sometimes thought that what it takes for gender had not spent one weekend alone and 9 1 percent had
equality is a higher-earning wife. The small num- had no five-day vacation alone in the past year. Stay-
ber of wives who make 5 or 10 times more than at-home mothers, he reports, suffered most of all
their husbands are in a different category and, ac- from isolation (Belsky & Kelly, 1994).
cording to an article in the New York Times, (Sam-
uels, 1995), often have husbands who quit their
Shared Parenting
own jobs to stay home with the children. Usually,
this high-earning wife's job is so all-consuming In the United States, as in most of the world, the
that, according to Harvard psychiatrist Gerry idea of shared parenting is not new. Until relatively
— a
recently, whichever female relatives were around men are still just "helping" at home, even though
the (arm. raneh. or urban development did much of their wives work outside the home too, many of
the child care while mothers worked at their many them at full-time jobs.
chores- — tanning, laundry, sew ing, cooking, etc. Although mothers often ask their husbands
all much more time consuming than
of which were for more help, they are usually reluctant to really
the) are today. And nobod) worried about the share the role and decisions of parenting equally.
mother-child bond. What is new is the idea that fa- Both men and women are still socialized to believe
thers should be active, hands-on parents full) par- that mothers have special inborn or intuitive skills
ticipating with their wives in the task that had related to child care and that all young children
fallen to mothers alone as the isolated nuclear fam- need a mother as primary parent. In spite of all of
ily replaced the extended family household in the the actual changes in our lives and in our beliefs,
second half of this century. the two sacred cows — a "real man's" career and a
This novel idea appeared, not surprisingly, in "real woman's" mothering — maintain a stubborn
the 1950s, the famous decade of family together- hold on our emotions.
ness. In Manhood in America (Kimmel 1996 1, the Family therapist Ron Taffel gave an excellent
author refers to advice given in the 1950s by Dr. example of this problem with his description of a
Benjamin Spock which made it clear that although young "90's couple" who consulted him because
no one was suggesting that men let parenthood in- of conflict over child-rearing (Taffel. 1994). Both
terfere with their basic role of breadw inning, it was parents described the housework and child care as
fine for fathers to change a diaper or make the divided fairly, with the wife doing a bit more (60
formula occasional K. In other words, working fa- percent) because the husband w orked longer hours
thers should "help" stay-home mothers parent — (40 compared to her 30). Taffel asked each parent
new idea that was tailored to fit the 1950s family to make a separate list of tasks related to the chil-
structure. dren done by each of them on a given afternoon
In the 1990s, the "new men" have gotten more and evening. At the next session, the parents were
involved in household work and child care than rather shaken as the father's list of twelve items
any previous American generation. Although their was followed by the mother's list of fort\-si\
participation doesn't approach 50 percent, many items. Further analysis revealed that the father's
men feel that it does because they are consciously list consisted of talk at dinner, interactions, and di-
so much more involved than their fathers were. In rect care of the children, while the mother's, in ad-
all surveys on the subject. American men of all dition to direct care, contained all of the tasks of
ages say that family is the most important facet of planning, arranging, networking, and supervising
their lives and fatherhood their most satisfying various events in their lives. In other words, as Taf-
accomplishment. However, while the traditional fel puts it. "Mom's responsible; Dad helps out."
definitions of male success (career achievement, The consequences of this paradigm. Taffel said,
money, and power) are being challenged, they still are that the mother feels central but overburdened
hold sway in most men's lives. And the new rules and the father feels one-down and somewhat de-
for "man the provider" are still very slippery. Is his fensive.The children turn to mother as the real par-
wife fully committed to being a coprovider for life, ent-expert and will someday pass along this par-
or will she suddenly decide that she has to stay adigm to the next generation. Worst of all, Taffel
1
home with the children Will he be penalized at concluded, mothers and fathers are in danger of
work if he curtails his overtime or travel or takes leading parallel rather than intersecting lives.
family emergency leaves? In addition, the male so- In the book Kidding Ourselves, Rhona Ma-
cialization process that few men escape has proba- hony (1995) argues that women will never achieve
him cut off from his deepest feelings and
bly left equality w ith men as long as they insist on. or fall
somewhat fearful of emotional intimacy. So most into, primary parenting. To change their part of this
256 CHAPTER 15
ingrained pattern, Mahony says, women must ac- Gender socialization, leading to unequal participa-
tively resist the pull of tradition and insist on a plan tion in child care, as Ron Taffel points out, only
of joint child care from the earliest days. Other- makes matters worse. Fathers are cast as "ideal-
wise, Mahony warns, the head start of mother's ists." responsible for preparing the child for the
prenatal bonding leads inevitably to her gatekeep- outside world, and mothers as "pragmatists," do-
ing on all matters involving the baby, tipping the ing whatever works to get them and the children
system back to familiar, but unequal, mommy- through each day's "endless list" (Taffel, 1994).
daddy roles. These prescribed roles lead inevitably to the
These roles are certainly familiar but they are many destructive triangles of family life, especially
not inevitable. In a recent study done at Yale (Pru- those which polarize the parents in "too strict —too
ett, 1994), seventeen families were followed in lenient" positions. "Father knows best" and "angry
which fathers were the primary caregivers for mommy and the naughty kids" are familiar, un-
their children. Nearly all of the fathers expressed happy scenarios of family life in which one parent
the same feelings that new mothers do, such as treats the other like one of the children.
fear of leaving the baby alone with anyone else, Family therapists should help parents to de-
including the baby's mother! In her book about velop age-appropriate, practical approaches to dis-
changing fatherhood, Kathleen Gerson (1993) re- cipline on which both parents can agree. If they
ports that the results of five new studies on the can't agree, we should help them to negotiate ways
subject show that men become mothers when they not to interfere with each other's methods, assum-
do not have wives to do it for them. Furthermore, ing, of course, that the particular methods are not
Gerson found that when men's capacity for nur- harsh or harmful. Unless there is actual danger,
turing is activated when the child is an infant, men one parent should not intervene at the time the
continue to feel competent to be involved in their other parent is disciplining a child. If there is dis-
children's lives. agreement, parents should discuss it in private and

So. it is not nature that keeps us locked in this then either agree to disagree or shift parental re-
dilemma, but rather the powerful grip of centuries- sponsibilities so that the parent who cares most
old economic and social arrangements acting on about an issue (e.g., table manners) assumes re-
our emotions. The difficulty of really changing a sponsibility for dealing with that issue. If the issue
pattern that is so ingrained, even when it needs to has already become a toxic one for parent and
be changed and even when men and women want child, it will bemore helpful to shift responsibility
to change it, cannot be overestimated. Nor can the to the less concerned parent. The suggestion of
importance of helping parents in therapy deal with shifting responsibility will usually unmask the un-
this issue in some way. derlying problem of the parents' unequal involve-
ment in the role and work of parenting. Clinical
approaches that don't address this imbalance will
Child-Rearing and Discipline
usually not end the disputes over child-rearing and
The minute a child is born, often before, the nu- discipline.
clear family triangle (parents and child) is ready Another underlying issue in some conflicts
for potential activation. One of the biggest sur- over discipline is the parents' marital problems. If
prises for new parents may be the degree to which they are engaged in intense power struggles in other
they discover passionate feelings about child-rear- areas of their relationship, these will probably spill
ing, a subject to which they may have given little over into their approaches to child-rearing. Some-
previous thought. However, the imprint of their times, when a particular child arouses parental anx-
own childhoods, their levels of maturity, and their iety, for emotional reasons or because of the child's
internalized ideas about their own roles as parents physical or mental problems, parents will triangu-
make this a potentially hot issue for many couples. late with this particular child and complain of dis-
cipline problems or child-rearing disputes that don't is not the problem and that single-parent families
exist « ith the other children. In such cases, usually range across the whole spectrum from highly func-
referred to in the literature as "child-focused fami- tional to highly dysfunctional, depending mostly
lies.'' the issue is not reall\ discipline and has little on economics and emotional, family, and commu-
or nothing to do u ith the child. Instead, issues with nity connectedness (see Chapter 19, on poor Black
the family of origin or problems in the marital re- families, and Chapter 24, on single-parent fami-
lationship may have created the intense triangle lies). Too often, problems of poverty or emotional
that then displaces the anxiety onto discipline con- and social isolation are attributed solely to family
cerns. None of this is to suggest that all or even structure. Thus, the isolation of the children of
most child-rearing arguments are a sign of basic overworked, harried two-parent families may be
marital problems, apart from the usual gender im- overlooked while we approach every single-parent
balance, or to suggest that such arguments will family from a deficit viewpoint. A useful clinical
disappear automatically if parents work on their approach would investigate the status of the
marital relationship or their families of origin. Even mother's family and friendship relationships and
when marital or famih problems are primary, it is the degree to which she is connected to a support-
necessary to first address the problem that brought ive community, such as neighborhood, church, or
the family to therapy. As the therapist and couple temple. Obviously, poverty will exacerbate all of
work on the child-rearing or discipline problems, it the usual problems of parents, as well as causing
will usually become clear whether extensive work many new problems. If the mother is unmarried,
on the marital relationship and/or families of origin she is facing the struggle alone, unless she is
is essential to changing the presenting problems rooted in family and community.

and maintainins the change. Twenty-six percent of U.S. children born in
1994 were born to unmarried women, a percentage

approximately equal to births outside of marriage
PROBLEMS in Canada. France, and the United Kingdom and
only half the percentage of such births in Denmark
Poor and Teenage Mothers and Children
and Sweden (U.S. Census Bureau. 1994). So this is
A survey in 1995 (Bradsher, 1995) reports that a growing world phenomenon, and we need to
poor children in the United States are worse off develop helpful attitudes toward it. Clearly, the
than poor children in all other industrialized West- children of a financially stable woman who is emo-
ern nations, except Israel and Ireland. This is be- tionally connected to family, friends, and commu-
cause the gap between rich and poor is so wide nity should be expected to thrive whether their
here and because our child welfare programs are so mother is married or unmarried.
much less generous than those in Western Europe. Of all births to Black women in the United
The United States ranked eighteenth out of twenty States in 1994, 66 percent were to unmarried
countries in household income of families of poor women: of all births to White women. 19 percent
children and first in household income of families were to unmarried women; and of all births to His-
of affluent children. Penelope Leach, the British panicwomen, 28 percent were to unmarried
expert on child development, states that of all the women. Of these, the most problematic category is
many risks for children in postindustrial societies, the 7 percent of unmarried teenagers who bore a
poverty puts children at more risk than any other child that year (U.S. Census Bureau, 1994). In
single factor (Leach. 1994). Western culture in our times, a teenager is, by def-
Although there is much general condemnation inition, not ready to be a parent. In any social or
of single-parent families, especially the majority economic bracket, a teenager is a child, regardless
that are headed by women, it is very important for of intelligence, sophistication, or street smarts.
family therapists to realize that the structure itself This child needs further time to develop emotion-
—
258 CHAPTER 15
ally and intellectually before taking on the adult A recent study of homeless families with chil-
tasks of earning a living and parenting. Family dren (Twaite & Lampert, 1997) examined factors
therapy in this crisis should be aimed at protecting predicting favorable outcomes for 100 families
the young mother's development, as well as the participating in mandated preventive services for
baby's. Family therapy should help the teenager truant and homeless children age 10 to 16. They
and her family come to a joint decision about found that the severity of the child's pathology, the
abortion, relinquishing the baby for adoption, or intensity of the parental involvement in treatment,
keeping the baby. Plans should be made to con- parental attendance, and parental understanding of
tinue the teenager's education if the decision is to the child's problem were the factors that were re-
keep the baby and for housing with mature family lated significantly to positive outcomes. This study
members who can provide assistance with baby provided the first empirical evidence of the rela-
care. Involvement of the baby's father, of course, tionship between the intensity of parental involve-
depends on what kind of relationship, if any, he ment and the effectiveness of such a program.
has had with the mother, whether they plan to re- Needless to say, this confirms the family therapy
main a couple, and whether he can provide finan- practice of treating children only if their parents or
cial support. Up to 70 percent of these fathers are caretakers also participate.
adult males (see Chapter 28). This means that
these babies are a result of forcible rape, statutory
Children with Disabilities
rape, or incest, criminal actions that are seldom
prosecuted. So many hopes and dreams are projected by parents
Since a solid majority of American teenagers onto their children that a serious illness or disability
have had sex by the time they graduate from high in the child wreaks havoc. The death of a child
school, it is important for the therapist to investi- the most untimely event imaginable —doubles the
gate the level of sex education attained by the teen- divorce rate (Carter & Peters, 1997).
age mother. The dissemination of birth control and When a child has a chronic or serious disabil-
disease control information to teenagers is a sensi- ity (see Chapter 29), it is important for the clini-
tive area with some families, and therapists need to cian to help the parents share their grief and
approach this discussion diplomatically. The con- sadness with each other and with other family
troversial welfare bill of 1996 did provide funds to members and friends. It often happens that their
combat teen pregnancy but, unfortunately, only for perceived need to cope and to "stay strong" for
programs promoting abstinence from sexual con- each other makes them fearful of "letting down."
tact. However, all states have applied for these It is also essential that very specific plans be made
funds, and none, so far, have cut other sex educa- to give respite and encourage other activities for
tion approaches. the chief caregiver, usually the mother. She may
need help giving herself permission to go to work,
go on vacation, or just pursue individual interests
Homeless Families with Children
and hobbies.
Of all the families our society neglects, homeless When parents express to the therapist their
families with children are among the most desper- worry over a young child's functioning, a good
ate. Fewer than half of the children attend school, first question is whether the child's caregiver or
a statistic that is not surprising when we examine nursery school or other teacher has brought any
the Catch-22 residency regulations in many school problem to the parents' attention. Teachers and
districts that bar homeless children from both the professional caregivers are used to a wide range of
school nearest their former home and the school in normal functioning and are quick to spot devia-
the neighborhood where they are temporarily re- tions from the norm. Spotting an apparent devia-
siding (Edelman & Mihaly, 1989). tion and correctly diagnosingit, however, are two
different things, and familj therapists need to problem, has agreed to whatever individual treat-
watch out for the "diagnosis of the year," in which ment and medication are currently recommended.
new diagnoses are defined for school personnel, and is read\ to apologize in a meaningful way to
who then, like medical students. ma\ tend to find the abused child and other family members. The
them everywhere. At this writing, the Favorite in- leaders of abuser programs are usually good guides
formal diagnosis around New York is A.D.D. (at- to the timing for including the abuser in couple or
tention deficit disorder), but I well remember the family sessions. Under no circumstances should it
years of MB. D. (minimum brain dysfunction), unbe assumed that abuse will cease as a result of cou-
specified "learning disabilities." and plain old "h) - ples or family therapy alone.
peractrv ity." Since most, if not all. such disabilities

of children now come w ith recommended medica-
Infertility
tions, u is important to help the parents obtain or
confirm a correct diagnosis w ith a second opinion A client of mine once said to me. "The only thing
outside o\ school personnel. Once a diagnosis and w orse than having a child with problems is not be-
treatment plan have been made, possibly including ing able to have a child at all." And. in fact, a
special education, therapists can help the parents British study i Kedem. Mikulnicer. Nathanson. &
not to slip into an adversaria] relationship with the Bartow 1990) reports that respondents who were
school. Such a triangle, fueled by the parents' asked to rate their most stressful life experiences
anxietv w ill severer) complicate the school's work rated infertility as high as the death of a child or a
w ith the child. spouse! Such an experience of loss, of course, gen-
erates grief and mourning, which is reactivated
with every attempt and failure to conceive,
Child Abuse
whether through natural means or infertility treat-
For a discussion of the dynamics and statistics on ments. The intensity of the negative experience of
physical and sexual abuse of children, see the infertility is often overlooked by the couple's fam-
chapter on violence (Chapter 28). In 1995. federal ily, friends, or even therapist, and there is danger
statistics climbed to over one million abused chil- that the couple will identity themselves as dam-
dren. This is a problem at every socioeconomic aged or stigmatized, isolating themselves socially,
level in our society, and because so many of the as- creating stress, depression, and paralysis. This is
saults on children are perpetrated by their parents, especially likely when couples belong to ethnici-
relatives, caretakers, and family friends. the> are ties that particularly focus on the importance of
all the more shocking. Therapists should be as alert children or fundamentalist religions that expect
to the signs or hints of child abuse as they are to couples to produce many children. The director of
indications of wife battering. Any suggestion of reproductive endocrinology at New York Univer-
child abuse is a reason to stop w hatever therapy-as- sity. Dr. Jamie A. Grifo. (p. 39) has stated that in-
usual we are doing and explore in minutest detail fertile couples are "traumatized" and have a
the child's level of risk. "higher rate of depression than cancer patients"
In the old days, a report of suspected child (Lee. 1996).
abuse usually resulted in the child's being removed In their excellent article "An Infertility Primer
from the home during the investigation. Now, in for Family Therapists: Medical. Social, and Psy-
most states, it is possible to have the suspected per- chological Dimensions" (Meyers et al.. 1995). the
petrator removed and/or denied access to the child. members of the Ackerman project studying this
However, vigilant follow-up by the therapist is of- subject report that about one out of twelve married
ten necessary. Under no circumstances should a couples in the United States are infertile. The causes
known child-abusing parent be included in family are 40 percent female. 40 percent male. 10 percent
sessions until he or she has acknowledged the interactive, and 10 percent unknown. However.
—
260 CHAPTER 15
Meyers et al. report that, regardless of cause, when it is time to stop such treatments and seek
women exhibit greater emotional distress, proba- other ways of becoming parents.
bly because of their socialization to become moth-
ers and also due to the fact that women receive the
ALTERNATE PATHWAYS TO PARENTHOOD
major portion of medical procedures for infertility.
Although White professional couples may Although infertility treatments such as surgery,
form the largest consumer contingent of infertility drug treatment, alternative insemination, in vitro
services (which are extremely expensive), poor fertilization, sperm injection, and surrogacy all pro-
people of color with little formal education are vide a pathway to parenthood for a small percent-
more likely to be infertile (Meyers et al.. 1995). age of infertile couples, their current relatively low
Adding to the problem, there has been a great deal rate of success and very high cost have kept this
of controversy about Medicaid programs that new technology from replacing the age-old alterna-
might help poor women overcome fertility prob- tive method of attaining parenthood: adoption.
lems (Beck. 1994). Almost invisible among infer-
tility sufferers are lesbian women who try endless
Adoption
cycles of alternative insemination before giving
up the cherished goals of pregnancy and giving Every year, Americans adopt more than 100,000
birth. children. Another half million people or more
Although reproductive technology has created grandparents, siblings, and other relatives — are
some dazzling new techniques to help Mother Na- touched by this process (McKelvey & Stevens,
ture along (at this writing, scientists in Britain have 1994). But the process and the prospects for suc-
cloned a sheep and some calves, a 63-year-old cessful adoption have become more complicated.
woman has given birth, and some clinics are sell- This is due partially to the scarcity of White infants
ing ready-made embryos for adoption), bioethical because of contraception and legal abortion, par-
discussion and government regulation have not tially to the fact that more single mothers now feel
kept pace. Although infertility treatment is a boom free to raise their own children, and partially to the
industry in which couples spend more than 2 bil- problems of the foster care system that was sup-
lion dollars a year, often more than 530,000 per posed to be part of the solution.
couple, most of it not covered by insurance, the
vast majority of treatment fails (U.S. News and
Foster Care
World Report, Nov. 11. 1996). The failure rate
appears to be at least three out of four couples While many parents spend fortunes and travel
(Meyers et al.. 1995). In addition, some of the across the world to adopt children, almost half a
"successes" can be equally problematic, such as million U.S. children are in foster care. Sixty-
the single woman in England who was reported seven percent of them are Black or of mixed race:
to be carrying octuplets after a course of fertility two thirds are male; some have learning disabili-
drugs. Such cases raise the agonizing dilemmas of ties or emotional problems: most are between the
multiple births following fertility drugs: "selective ages of 5 and 11 (McKelvey & Stevens, 1994).
reduction" (abortion of some fetuses to save the These are the children called "hard to place"; and
others) or risks of serious birth defects that are by the time the foster care system has moved, trau-
much higher in multiple births. matized, and ignored them for years, many be-
Obviously, all protracted infertility treatments come even harder to place. The challenge for foster
place enormous stress on the couple. Family ther- parents is to temporarily parent children from trou-
apists need to keep informed of the cutting-edge bled families, knowing that they (the foster par-
developments and problems of infertility treat- ents) will have no input into the children's future.
ments so that we can help couples to determine The situation has become serious enough to get at-
1(1 ( OMIN'C I'AKl MS 261
tentioa firom President Clinton and even the U.S. crecy in adoption. Ann Hartman reminds us that if
Congress, which has approved a $5,000 tax credit we will but listen, they —adoptees, birth parents,
for nonaffluen! families who adopt and $6,000 tor and adoptive parents — what we need
will teach us
adopting a bard-tO-place child {New York Tunes, to know Hartman points out that
to be helpful.
Feb. 15, 1997). open adoption has been the norm in most countries
Our society s neglect oi poor children remains and other times. Outcomes in our society will be
an outrage. The recent welfare hill has dismantled know n only by researching a generation of adopted
six decades of antipoverty policy, including wel- children who grew up knowing their birth parents
fare for poor children Scant notice was given to (Hartman. 1993).
the deletion in the bill of one word ("nonprofit"), Using mediation techniques to help clients de-
which opens the wa) tor profit-making businesses sign their children's adoptions, with written agree-
such as managed mental health care corporations ments about the degree of openness, clinician-
or youth care chains that are traded on Wall Street, researcher Jeanne Etter found that after four and a
to compete for Federal welfare payments. The half years, 129 biological and birth parents in-
availability of this money guarantees an increase in volved in 56 open adoptions showed 98.2 percent
foster care institutions, even though they have been compliance with the adoption agreement, and 93.8
shown to be detrimental to children's development percent satisfaction with having the adoption be
over the long run. Children's advocacy groups, of open (Etter, 1993). Silverstein and Demick ( 1994)
course, have decried the use of poor children as a have proposed a conceptual framework. Grotev ant.
market commodity. This would seem to be an area Elde, and Fravel (1994) report on a spectrum of
begging for political action by mental health and closed, mediated, and open adoptions, suggesting
child welfare workers, as well as parents of more that open adoptions showed many advantages. The
fortunate children in this, the most affluent country authors wisely concluded with a plea for family
in the world. therapists to pay closest attention to the individual
situation rather then seeking a universal "solution."
It is essential that we help our clients think this

Open Adoption
through carefully to decide which route they
The most revolutionary development in the adop- choose to follow, and then help them with its par-
tion process is the grow ing interest in —and con- ticular challenges. In the end, studies conclude,
troversy over —open adoption. This is an adoption four out of five of all adoptions are successful
format in which birth parents and adoptive parents (Waldman & Caplan. 1994).
meet one another, share identifying and genetic in-
formation, and communicate directly over the

Informal Adoption
years. Some may get together regularly and view
each other as extended kin; others stick to written Nancy Boyd-Franklin has taught us the importance
or mediated communication until the adoptees are of understanding the reciprocity of goods and ser-
in their late teens. While advocates list many obvi- vices that has been one of the most important sur-
ous advantages in direct contact, which can break vival mechanisms of African Americans (Boyd-
the negative power of the adoption triangle with Franklin, 1989). This sharing, she tells us, has pro-
its cut-offs, fantasies, and loyalty conflicts, critics duced permeable boundaries around the Black
most fear an invasion of adoptive family bound- family household that contrast sharply with the
aries and the possibility that the birth parents may rigid boundaries around most White nuclear fami-
be inconsistent or even drop out of the children's lies. These flexible boundaries have been an inte-
lives (Gilman 1992). gral part of Black community life since the days of
In her excellent discourse on the serious prob- slavery, permitting adult relatives or friends of the
lems produced by personal and institutional se- family to take in children whose parents are unable
262 CHAPTER 15
to care for them for whatever reason. Since origi- help with red tape. Prospective parents should be
nal adoption agencies were not designed to meet prepared and willing to make a commitment to
the needs of Black children, this informal network embrace the culture of their child and be able to
provided —and still provides — unofficial social teach the child his or her country's history and cul-
services to poor Black families and children. ture. In pursuit of this goal, adoptive parents often
While the advantages of such sharing of join American organizations such as Families with
scarce resources are clear now that Black family Children from China, which offer support and the
therapists have pointed them out to us, many early opportunity to become involved with families with
family therapists ignored the difference in poor similar intercultural membership.
Black family structure (see Chapter 19) or auto- Gays and lesbians who wish to adopt interna-
matically considered it dysfunctional. Since Black tionally should be advised to pursue individual
clients understand all too well how their family rather than couple adoption and to exercise their
structure may be judged by White therapists, they constitutional right to privacy by omitting mention
may be extremely uneasy if White clinicians do of their sexual orientation during the application
formal genograms early in treatment. It is probably process, even if the U.S. agency is aware of it
wise for the clinician to simply make mental notes (Martin, 1993). This is necessary because of the
of family and household relationships as they high probability that gay and lesbian applicants
arise naturally in the therapeutic conversation and will be rejected. Other concerns in international
write these down later. Most important to remem- adoption are medical or delays in the child's phys-
ber is the simple fact that while some of these ical and mental development. These should be ex-
structures are dysfunctional, with role and bound- plored thoroughly with the helping U.S. agency
ary blurring, many are extremely functional (Boyd- and with other parents who have adopted from the
Franklin, 1989), as are extended family networks same country. Some concerns are serious; others
in other cultures. The competent clinician can as- are simply cultural differences or short-term lags
sess which is which in the usual way: by closely due to insufficient stimulation or poor nutrition.
exploring all relationships in each particular fam-

ily system.
Interracial Adoptions
Some international adoptions are also interracial.

International Adoptions
However, domestic interracial adoptions usually
Although international adoptions are costly, the consist of White parents adopting African Ameri-
costs can often be compared favorably to the high can children. Some of the issues are similar, es-
costs of infertility treatments. Thus, increasing pecially the need for parental commitment to
numbers of Americans, fearful of or burnt out by teaching the child about his or her history and cul-
lengthy treatments and the cost and difficulties of ture and help in developing a positive identity in
domestic adoption, have turned their sights abroad. both the birth and adoptive cultures (Zuniga,
This is so especially since the fall of Communism 1991). The well-known Black psychiatrists James
has added the countries of Eastern Europe to the Comer and Alvin Poussaint (1992) emphasize
list of the poor countries of Central and South other issues: the importance of White adoptive par-
America and Asia that permit foreign adoption. ents' examining their motives carefully; the need
Individuals and couples considering this option to discuss racial difference calmly with the child
should be urged to explore thoroughly the require- from time to time along with the adoption story;
ments of the foreign country, their particular state, and the need to protect the child from racism with-
and the Immigration and Naturalization Service out overprotecting him or her. In this regard,
(INS). Paperwork and bureaucracy will abound, Comer and Poussaint point out that although
and it is important to find a U.S. agency that can White parents may hear and see more racism even
than Blacks do. they do not have the experience of menced. I told the parents that the problem seemed
needing to help their children deal with it. Comer to be that they were raising Susan as if she were
and Poussaint warn against continual brooding or White, which she wasn't, or as if it didn't matter
outraged reactions to racism, lest these transmit that she was Black, which it did.
negative messages to the child about being Black. During the next six months, I encouraged the
At the same time, it is important to provide a model parents to locate community centers and activities
of constructive ways to fight racism. both for themselves and for Susan in adjoining
These authors also caution against middle- towns where there was ethnic, religious, class, and
class or upper-middle-class parents' failing to find racial diversity. After a short period of defensive-
ways to expose their children to African Ameri- ness, they did so enthusiastically, joining a bicy-
cans of their class. It makes sense that exposure cling club, volunteering as parent chaperones at
only to lower-income status and jobs, and of the neighboring town's school events, and joining
course, to TV news programs with their selective in PTA discussions and town meetings. As they
nightly parade of Black arrests, creates problems got to know Black
:
parents whom they liked, they

for Black children. They need to hear from their invited them home, along w ith their usual friends.
parents early and often that they must persist in Susan joined after-school sports and recreation
spite of racism and that they can "climb every groups at the neighboring town's YWCA. She was
mountain" (Comer and Poussaint. 1992). They encouraged to invite her new friends, Black and
will also learn from the lives of their parents and White, to their home. Susan's difficulties at her
peers. own school diminished as she socialized with the
During the 1980s. Jerome and Karen con- new group of friends. Jerome and Karen reported
sulted me about the acting out of their 12-year-old their enjoyment at breaking out of their own self-
The parents were a White profes-

daughter, Susan. imposed segregation. After six months. Karen an-
Susan was their Afri-
sional couple in their forties: nounced, while Jerome beamed, "We don't know-
can American daughter, adopted in infancy. The how we fell into this trap, but we did; this isn't
family lived in an affluent. ail-White Westchester 'success,' it's isolation. And now, as soon as Su-
community, where the only Blacks were maids, san graduates from elementary school, we're get- 7
nannies, handymen, and delivery people. Jerome ting out of it. We're going to move to the next
and Karen, idealistic ex-hippies, complained about town so that she can go to high school in the 'real
Susan's growing rebelliousness and recent behav- world.' and we can pursue our new friendships
ioral and academic problems in school. They were and activities without all the driving back and
puzzled, they said, because Susan had previously forth." When I discussed this case with my col-
done excellent schoolwork, was cooperative at leagues. I called it "the community cure," and it
home, and had many close friends. was.

Upon closer examination and conversations Of course, not all adoptive White parents
with Susan, alone and with her parents, it turned w ould be as committed as Jerome and Karen were
out that the parents had lost touch with Black to doing whatever it took to support their child's
friends they had known in the 1960s and had not racial identification. So it is not surprising that in
found new ones in their White suburb. Susan's 1996, when Congress approved a bill that pun-
friends were also all White, both in the neighbor- ishes states that prevent or postpone a child's
hood and at school, and they had now started to adoption while waiting for parents of the same
talk endlessly about the boys, dates, dances, race, some Black organizations objected and came
clothes, and romance that awaited them in high out against interracial (White-Black) adoptions.
school. Although she didn't want to discuss it with President Clinton supported the bill, which did
me. it was clear that Susan was afraid of what her permit race to be considered, but only if there
standing would be once the dating game com- were two or more adoptive families of similar
264 CHAPTER 15
qualification. The purpose was to try to shorten a The pitfalls in the parental triangle are also the
child's stay in the limbo of foster care, with its well same: At first, there is the possibility that if there is
documented failings and abuses. a primary caretaker, he or she will be closer to the
child and the other parent will feel left out. Be-
cause this would tend to be exacerbated if the
Single-Parent Adoption primary parent were also the biological parent, les-
It seems common sense to suppose that a single bian couples are often especially careful to divide
person who seeks a child by adoption is probably child care equally or, if that is not possible, to shift
able to carry out the responsibilities of parenting, roles and have the nonbiological parent do the pri-
and this is substantiated in a review of the literature mary caretaking. When children are older and try
(Shireman, 1995). Because single parents do not to use the usual "divide and conquer" strategies on
have partners to share responsibility, the support their parents, gay and lesbian parents are some-
of family, friends, and community becomes all the what less vulnerable than heterosexual parents
more important. However, indications are that because both have received the same gender pro-
children adopted by single parents are as well ad- gramming about parenting and are more likely to
justed as children adopted into two-parent homes. see eye to eye on child-rearing (Martin, 1993).
In fact, single-parent homes may be the placement What is not the same, of course, is the level of
of choice for some children. stress caused by social stigma and lack of social,
It is extremely important for family therapists and sometimes familial, support. While it is true in
to keep an open mind about the strengths of sin- some cases that contact with a child softens nega-
gle-parent families (see Chapter 24). Until there is tive attitudes in the family of origin toward gay or
greater flexibility in the adoption approval process lesbian offspring, it is also true that the news of an
and more understanding and respect for alterna- impending child brings all the coming-out issues
tive family structures, however, some uncertain to the fore again and may bring forth a new level of
number of single-parent adoptions will continue homophobia as parents who have privately ac-
to be unidentified lesbians and gay individuals cepted their child's sexual orientation feel threat-
who are not eligible to adopt as openly gay cou- ened by how public a grandchild will be. Questions
ples. A more promising situation for them is the from family and others center on fears that a child
right —recognized by the highest courts in only will be hurt psychologically by the social stigma
three states so far —of a person to adopt his or her and/or by having parents of only one gender (Mar-
unmarried partner's child. (Dao, 1995). This then tin, 1993). It is hard for heterosexuals to fully own
bestows legal parental rights on unmarried hetero- and try to correct the problem of social stigma as
sexual partners and gay and lesbian partners. their own problem, not that of the gay or lesbian
family. Straight people also tend to overlook the
benefits such as flexibility, group pride, and multi-
Lesbian and Gay Parenting cultural awareness that can accrue to children who
have to be raised with the tools to fight discrimina-
The variables that predict a positive transition to
tion, as children of color are, as children of gay and
parenthood for lesbian and gay couples are the
lesbian families are, as children with disabilities
same (Martin, 1993) as those for heterosexual
are, and as Jewish children and children of other
couples (Belsky & Kelly, 1994).
stigmatized ethnic groups are. It is also important
• Having realistic expectations. for family therapists to remember that although
• Having good couple communication. many families reject their gay and lesbian children,
• The adaptability of each partner to change. most do not (Laird, 1996).
• The ability to tolerate chaos, noise, sleep dep- In this last decade of the twentieth century,
rivation, and lack of solitude. referred to jokingly by some homosexuals as "the
gay nineties." there has been a dramatic increase in about their children's having male role models
the number and visibility of lesbian and gay cou- and good relationships with adult men and
ples raising children. In spite of the discrimination have thus included male relatives more often
that keeps many ga\ parents from acknowledging in the children's activities (Kirkpatrick. Smith.
their sexual orientation m surveys, estimates of les- &Roy. 1981).
bian mothers run up to 5 million, gay fathers up to • Great attention is paid to building support net-
3 million, and children of these parents up to 14 works and joining or forming supportive com-
million. No estimates fall below 1 million mothers. munities to counteract social stigma.
1 million fathers, and 6 million children. The larg- • Idiosyncratic family rituals must be invented
est number of these children were born in previous for every occasion (See Chapter 12).
heterosexual relationships; the second largest to • Since division of chores and child care are not
single and coupled lesbians giving birth through based on gender in lesbian and gay families,
know n or unknow n donor insemination and to sur- this issue must be specifically discussed and
rogates bearing children for gay couples. The third decided.
largest group of children come through supposedly • Since matters of inheritance and custody are
single-parent adoptions by lesbians or gay men, not protected legally, parents have to make
most of whom are actually coupled (Patterson, very specific advance arrangements in case of
1992). their death or the breakup of the couple —and
In spite of efforts by social conservatives to then hope these arrangements hold up in court
discredit such families, not a single study has if challenged (see sample agreements in Pies,
found children of gay or lesbian parents to be dis- 1988). For this reason, Johnson and Colucci
advantaged in any significant respect relative to (Chapter 20) urge gay and lesbian parents to
children of heterosexual parents (Patterson. 1992). get legal advice shortly before or after a child
When conservative groups in Hawaii tried to fore- joins the family.
stall giving gay and lesbian couples the right to le-
gally marry (Goldberg, 1996). they tried to do so In all clinical work with gay and lesbian fam-
by a focus on parenting and the best interests of ilies, it is essential to keep the following caveats in
children. This produced "the most ringing en- mind:

dorsement yet by a court of gay and lesbian parent-
ing." (p. B16) with the judge declaring that the 1. Stay carefully informed about the social policy
evidence produced by both sides "establishes that context these families face in all aspects of their
the single most important factor in the develop- lives: They are excluded from the U.S. Census Bu-
ment of a happy, healthy and w ell-adjusted child reau's definition of family; their civil rights are pro-
is the nurturing relationship between parent and tected in only eight states; their sexual contact is
child" (p. B 16). criminalized in over twenty states (and, of course,

It is important to remember that since gay and in the U.S. military): and they lack the legal protec-
lesbian couples have few role models of specifi- tion granted to heterosexuals by marriage, divorce,
cally gay families, they tend to give much more custody, and inheritance laws (Hartman, 1996).
thought to every step of the way than heterosexuals 2. Gay and lesbian couples are both similar to
do: and different from heterosexual couples and from
each other. Only accurate personal information
• Because parenthood is not an assumption, will help us to avoid categorizing, essentializing.
couples discuss thoroughly all the pros and or overgeneralizing about gay and lesbian couples
cons involved in the decision. (Murphy, 1994).
• Research has revealed that lesbians are more 3. If the heterosexual world is open to learning
concerned then single heterosexual mothers from so-called alternative families, the planned
266 CHAPTER 15
lesbian family is a living laboratory of the partner- work hours and distant fathering style. In the first
ship model that heterosexuals keep striving to session, I ascertained that Gary—a New York City
achieve: Both parents are heads of household, each lawyer —and Sharon—a psychologist with a small
is a primary parent, each is a breadwinner, house-

private practice in Scarsdale —jointly earned over
hold chores are divided fairly, and decision making
$300,000 a year. They lived in Scarsdale, New
York's most affluent suburb, owned a vacation
is joint. Participants in one study of planned les-
house and two cars, employed a live-in nanny, and
bian families described their families as providing
paid most of the expenses for the condo ow ned by
more parental involvement, concern, attention,
Sharon's parents in Florida. Gary worked sixty-
nurturance, physical affection, expression of feel- five to seventy hours a week, including most Sat-
ings, talking, sensitivity, love, caring, and warmth urdays. He brought workhome for Sunday and
(Mitchell. 1995). That sounds good to me. rarely arrived home on weekdays before 8:00 or
9:00 p.m. Sharon worked about twenty-two hours a
week spread over four half-days and tw o evenings.

CLINICAL GUIDELINES Gary saw the two young children briefly in the
Evaluation mornings and tried to spend Sunday afternoon
with Sharon and the kids. As a couple, they had
Whatever the presenting problem is, the entire "no time." Gary vetoed all of Sharon's efforts to
three- or four-generation family system should be get him to cut back his work hours on the grounds
carefully evaluated at five levels: of their high expenses and his career goal of be-
coming a partner in his law firm.
1. Each individual's development and function-
Evaluation
ing (see Chapter 2).
2. The couple's relationship and interactions: 1. Each individual
communication, decision making, time, Each adult and child in the nuclear family ap-
money, power, intimacy. This includes the nu- peared to be physically healthy and functioning
clear family's handling of life cycle tasks (see satisfactorily. No description of extended family
Figure 1.1: The Stages of the Family Life

members indicated any major physical or mental
illness there.
Cycle, in Chapter 1), emotional triangles,
Emotionally. Gary talked about work in a some-
and issues.
what compulsive, distant way. and Sharon some-
3. The extended Family's current and past pat-
times sounded like a parent, rather than daughter or
terns of relating and handling loss, secrets,
sibling, in her family of origin.
myths, emotional triangles, and toxic issues.
2. The Couple
4. The family members' involvement in the com-
• There was no couple time; sex was infrequent.
munity: neighborhood, school, clubs, sports,
• The formerly equal couple was imbalanced.
church, temple, or other community organiza-
with Gary now ignoring or vetoing suggestions
tion. This involves parents* values and beliefs
he didn't agree with. They had no effective
about life, spirituality, social or political ac- method of discussing or negotiating differences.
tion, etc. • Family tasks were polarized, w ith Sharon do-
5. The applicable rules, norms, and options ing or supervising all domestic tasks and Gary
available in the larger social system depend- earning most of the income.
ing on the family members' race, ethnicity, • Sharon complained of Gary's lack of emo-
class, gender, and sexual orientation. tional expressiveness and he of her excessive
emotionality. These descriptions seemed con-
For a fuller elaboration of these levels, see sistent with their gender and ethnic differences.
Chapter 1.
3. The Family Emotional System
Sharon phoned for a therapy appointment for the • In the nuclear family, father and children
couple because of her anger about Gary's long spent too little time together; Gary was com-
pletely uninvolved in the household schedules unteered at Sophie's nursery school

—"so they
and tasks; Sharon was the onl) hands-on patent. don't think I'm a bad mother," as she said.
Main Triangle: Sharon and children close and They had no religious affiliation, each having
Gary distant. rejected the parents' religion — his Protestant, hers

• Relations w ith the families of origin were not Jewish. Gary felt that the secular culture promoted
eniotionalh functional. Gary was extremely most of the holidays and traditions he cared about
distantfrom his parents, and they hardly saw and had grown up with. For Sharon, this was not
him or Sharon. They were minimally involved true. She had thought about joining a synagogue,
as grandparents but Gary always reminded her of their earlier
• Gary called his father "an uncaring worka- agreement to leave religious affiliation out of their
holic" but was shocked when Sharon called him lives.
(Gary) a chip off the old block. Gary's mother Occasionally, when Sharon pleaded for weeks,
had never complained about his father's work they would go to dinner and the theater. But neither
focus and, in fact, had delivered emotionally of them felt there was time for any other social
laden messages to him about the importance of event. When Sharon's parents or sister insisted,
work. Sharon took the kids to visit them without Gary.
• Sharon was a typical overresponsible oldest
5. The Family 's Place in the Larger Social System
daughter who felt obligated to take care of ev-
This is a White, heterosexual, affluent, educated
eryone in her family of origin. She contributed
professional couple. Gary is an Anglo American.
money to her sister so that she wouldn't have to
By these measures, the family belongs to the most
move after divorce; she shrugged off her afflu-
powerful groups in our society. Thus, if they can
ent younger brother's refusal to contribute fi-
get psychologically free enough to avail them-
nancially to their parents: and she never
selves of their options, they have more power to
objected to family members' impositions on her
change their situation than the members of any
time or money.
other group would have. The norms of the social
Significant Intergene rational Triangles system that militate against their getting psycho-
• Gary-Sharon-their children logically free enough to use their options are as
• Gary-his father and mother follows:
• Gary's father-Gary-Gary's children
• The socially approved male focus on career
• Gary's family-Gary-Sharon
and money, reinforced by Gary's parents' ex-
• Sharon-her mother and father
ample and messages about the "work ethic."
• Sharon-her parents-her sister Lydia
• Gary and Sharon's affluent, consumerist.
• Sharon-her parents-her brother Josh
time-starved life-style, called "success." and
• Sharon's family-Sharon and Gary
envied by their peers.
Major Emotional Issues • The rigidity of the fast-track career path for
Time, work, money, fathering, caretaking, lack corporate lawyers.
of intimacy, lack of negotiating skills, not living • Sharon's belief, socially approved and ethni-
according to their own values. cally reinforced, that it is a daughter's "duty" to
respond to the wishes and needs of her family of
Major Emotional Threats
origin regardless of strain on her own emotional
• Growing distance and resentment between the
and financial resources.
couple
• Gary's belief, consistent with decades of so-
• Emotional distance between father and chil-
cial practice, that young children are fine as
dren
long as their mother is available, and fathers
4. Community need only "provide."
The nuclear family is extremely isolated. Gary
and Sharon's schedules had no time for involve- The Therapy
ment in any community organization whatsoever, In therapy. Gary and Sharon accomplished the
except for a half-day once a month that Sharon vol- following:
—
268 CHAPTER 15
• Gary agreed to come home "early" (by 7:00 now negotiate very difficult issues. They attrib-
p.m.) at least one night a week. uted their agreement to downshift to our discus-
• Sharon stopped giving her sister money (and sions, which contrasted their early dreams,
her sister moved to a house in a town that she values, and ideals with the reality of their cur-
could afford). Sharon remained in close contact rent life.
with her sister. • Gary and Sharon joined a group that met
• Gary's talks with his mother revealed a secret monthly for dinner and theater.
about the issue of work: Gary's maternal grand- • Gary said that as "daddy time" with his kids
father had been an alcoholic with a checkered got more frequent, it got more enjoyable. "Like
work history who had once spent several years sex with Sharon," he added with a smile.
in jail for forgery, leaving his family on welfare.
On making the many profound changes that
This had led Gary's mother to preach the value
they did, Gary and Sharon had three major advan-
of working hard ever after. Now Gary could see
tages: They had an earlier strong, passionate bond
the emotionally programmed aspects of his own
and dreams to return to; their families of origin,
work habits. He agreed to come home before
although problematic in many ways, were essen-
7:00 two nights a week.
p.m.
tially free of major dysfunctional patterns; and
• Sharon worked to restore a relationship with
their privileged positions in the social hierarchies
her brother by mail and by phone and eventually
gave them maximum flexibility for change once
requested that he start contributing his share of
they decided to go for it. It is important to note here
support to their parents. He agreed and resumed
that being in a privileged position does not in itself
regular contact with them.
motivate people to change. In fact, quite the con-
• Gary had brief, difficult, but useful talks with
trary is often true, depending on the degree of im-
his father about work. His father finally ac-
portance assigned by the client to maintaining
knowledged that he regretted missing Gary's
maximum money and power regardless of emo-
youth. Gary urged him not to miss his grand-
tional consequences.
children's youth as well. The number of visits to
and from Gary's parents increased from one a Although this is hardly a typical, everyday
year to four, interspersed with calls and gifts.
case, it does illustrate what can sometimes be ac-
• Gary and Sharon spent many weeks going complished when the clients are motivated and the
over their budget. Sharon said that she would
therapist keeps an eye on the big picture.
agree to sell their vacation house if Gary would
get a less demanding job. He said that he would
think about it, and he eventually did, moving to
Shifting Focus among Levels
a slower-paced suburban firm at a lower salary.
They then sold their vacation house, causing Our clinical work does not lend itself to moving in
Sharon's family to make other summer plans. an orderly way from one level of the system to the
• Sharon joined a synagogue after a long dis- next, any more than real life does. So, although ther-
cussion of their religious and ethnic differences, apy usually begins with the presenting problem — at
and she participated in the temple's discussion this phase, often a child problem — the therapist's
groups and in a social program to help the work will address the marriage, the family of ori-
homeless. Gary joined the men's group I re-
gin, the community, and the constraints of the
ferred him to and became politically active at
and back again during any
larger social system
the urging of other group members.
phase of therapy or even in any given session. That
• After much discussion of "mother guilt,"
is how I worked with Gary and Sharon. However,
Sharon cut out one evening of work and gave
to get a sustained focus and eventual resolution of
the night off to their nanny so that she and Gary
some issues, it is well to keep mental track of the
could parent together and then spend a quiet
evening alone. focus and its shifts.
• Gary and Sharon celebrated these dramatic Be aware of a client's repeated shift away from
moves as the crowning proof that they could an uncomfortable area —maybe the marriage
back to a more "comfortable" problem — maybe plaints. However, I ask detailed questions about
the child. When become aware of this.
1 I might their development and try to see them once or
mentally allot the first fifteen minutes to the par- twice to verify their parents' observations.
ents' preferred focus before shifting with some
question about the marriage. Or I might work on
Discipline
the marriage indirectly through discussions of
parenting roles. Many parental arguments are about disciplining
Similarly, if a task to change behavior with a children, and these will spill over into therapists'
grandparent gets followed in the next session w ith offices, where we will be called upon to say who's
a child or marital crisis, as sometimes happened "right." This is the time to have reading material for
with Gary and Sharon, it is important to make parents, or to recommend a book for them to buy.
mental note of this even if the opportunity to ask rather than step into that triangle ourselves. Harriet
about the grandparent is postponed until later, or Lerner's latest book. The Mother Dance ( 1998) is
even the next session. The important point is that particularly effective against all of the pitfalls that
the therapist track the process. precipitate discipline problems: parental guilt, anx-
On the macro level, I attempt to help a couple iety, over-responsibility and uncertainty.
achieve some small initial resolution of their pre- Ron Taffel's book (1994) has a chapter enti-
senting problems before introducing the idea of ac- tled "Everything You Need to Know about Disci-
tual work in the family of origin. My first move pline." The chapter helps parents to teach their
w ith Gary and Sharon w as to get Gary to agree to children that there are consequences for their be-
come home early one evening a week. How ever, in havior and limits to parental patience and gives
any session. I might openly refer to extended fam- many practical consequences by age of the child.
ily information gathered in the evaluation and con- It is important to remember that ethnicity and
nect it to the presenting problem to show that class play a strong role in what parents have
family of origin is a relevant focus. Thus, my ques- learned is appropriate discipline, and we should
tions about Gary's parents and work made it clear ask clients about their experience and ideas.
that this was an intergenerational issue as well as a Comer and Poussaint ( 1992) remind us that Black
problem of the couple. parents have often been strict disciplinarians of
Questions and comments about community children because they felt that they had to force
and the rules and norms of the larger social system their children to obey so that they wouldn't violate
are usually quite easy to introduce into the discus- racial rules and come to harm. While agreeing with
sion, since there is often not as much defensiveness many Black parents who find White middle-class
or resistance to talking about these areas as there is parents too permissive, the authors come out
to personal and family issues. Of course, it is all strongly against spanking or shaming and provide
connected in the end, as Gary and Sharon discov- useful alternatives by age.
ered when questions about community led to their
deeply personal exchange about their religious and
Transition Groups
ethnic differences.
There is still debate in family therapy about In their book describing a landmark ten-year study
when or whether to include young children in ses- of the transition to parenthood. Cow an and Cow an
sions. I believe that changes in children up to ado- (1992) describe one of their interventions: They
lescence depend on parental intervention on their ran a short-term (six-month) group for couples in
behalf or on changes in parental attitudes and be- w hich the wife was entering the seventh month of
haviors. Also, children are too powerless to change pregnancy. For three months before the birth, the
the system but sometimes feel responsible if in- couple exchanged expectations: for three months
cluded in problem-focused discussion and com- after, they discussed and negotiated problems. The
270 CHAPTER 15
agenda consisted of both items raised by the cou- and the client are up against 5,000 years of more
ples and topics suggested by the leaders. After the and such a pattern can't be
distant fathering,
birth, the baby was included in the group. changed overnight. But that's no reason not to
The couples evaluated the experience as very start somewhere.
helpful, and no one ever dropped out of a group. Levine, Murphy, and Wilson (1993) describe
The Cowans found that the positive effects of many strategies for involving men in early child-
stress reduction lasted a full three years and were hood programs. Many of these techniques are gen-
especially evident in years 2 and 3. They found erally applicable to encouraging men's participation
that their groups provided the best elements of in family therapy and family life; for example, ex-
consciousness-raising groups, support groups, pect them to be involved, find out what they want,
group therapy, and couples therapy. No couple in recognize hidden resistance in yourself or the wife,
these groups divorced during the first three years reach out, and recognize men's hidden fears of
of follow-up. although 10 percent of couples in emotional arenas.
their study as a whole did.
Helping White Parents to Prepare Their

Helping Parents to Negotiate Children for a Multicultural World
The transition to parenthood usually provides the In about fifty years, this country will have no sin-
first really hard issues that couples have to learn to gle majority race or ethnic group. The White pop-
negotiate. After they have been helped to restore or ulation will have to accommodate itself to loss of
enhance their equality, which is the most essential majority status and learn how to live, work, and re-
element, the actual process of negotiating is quite late to people of other races. In some communities,
simple (Carter & Peters, 1997): of course, this is already happening, especially in
larger cities. However, mostly, it is not happening.
• Know what you want. But those who are not prepared to embrace or at
• State it clearly and calmly. least accept diversity will be at a severe disadvan-
• Listen to your partner's position and try to un- tage in years to come. There are many White par-
derstand his or her emotional investment in ents who would not wish their children to be
that position. among those die-hards, although with the oblivi-
• Work toward a win-win resolution that incor- ousness of privilege, they may not realize that they
porates something for each partner, such as need to act now to prevent a later scenario of con-
taking turns or trade-offs. fusion, disorder, or even violence.
• Have a viable alternative if negotiations fail. In the excellent book 40 Ways to Raise a Non-
Racist Child, Mathias and French (1996) explore
the many ways in which parents can help their chil-
Helping Fathers to Be More Involved
dren in this regard: Make acquaintances across
Ron Taffel (Taffel, 1994) has a lot to say about color lines yourself, trace your family's history of
how he helps men to move more toward child prejudice, begin the lessons early, don't pretend
care. He talks with them frankly about their fear that discrimination doesn't exist, tell the whole
of incompetence, fear of their own angry reac- story behind the holidays (e.g., Columbus Day,
tions, fear of losing out in their career, and a gen- Thanksgiving), choose children's schools care-
eral sense that they lack the requisite access to fully to ensure diversity, expand their circle of
their own emotions. I also have such discussions playmates to include children of other races and
routinely with fathers and find them very produc- cultures, and monitor carefully what they read and
tive (Carter, 1993). It is important for the thera- watch on TV to check what messages they are re-
pist to take a nonblaming stance. After all, you ceiving on this subject.
Most White parents are surprised to learn that ciples about crucial topics such as human relations
by age 3, a child is aware of and concerned about and personal values. He supported the idea of en-
similarities and differences in skin color and hair couraging children to ask questions about every-
(Comer & Poussaint, 1992). This whole subject of thing, including sex, and suggested that parents
multiculturalism is a topic that usually needs to be convey its connection to relationship. He also
raised by the therapist, since it is probably not in- stated that children need to develop spiritual values
cluded in popular child care books and White par- and a sense of idealism such as the importance of
ents may be unaware of its importance to them kindliness, loyalty, and helping others. Children
personally. need to see their own parents involved at school, in
the community, and in the political process if they
are to learn to care about others.
Helping Minority-Group Parents to Protect
This stage of life is a crucial one at which to
Their Children in an Oppressive Society
help parents look hard at how they are living and
Unlike many White heterosexual parents, parents ask themselves if this is what they want. In the
in current minority groups are only too aware of scramble to make enough money, raise children,
the potential harm to their children of being part and pursue their own careers, parents often fall into
of a socially stigmatized group such as people of one accommodation or another without really
color and gay and lesbian families. And although meaning to. Because of the complexity of family
all of the items mentioned above also apply here, life at this stage and the paucity of meaningful sup-
there are a few in addition: Pay close attention to port from our society, parents deserve an opportu-
the child's level of self-esteem, feelings of compe- nity in family therapy to explore all options and
tence, and positive group identification; and make more meaningful family
possibilities for a life.
extra efforts to belong to communities of families Such discussions may lead them to redesign their
like yours both for support and to counteract the own roles and relationship regardless of gender
negative effects of feeling stigmatized and alien- imperatives, and/or to realign their relationship
ated from the larger society. to the larger society by redefining "success" in the
Therapists having such discussions with mi- world to suit themselves (Saltzman, 1991).
nority group parents, if they are not members of
the same group, should prepare themselves by
CONCLUSION
reading carefully, and then recommending books
and articles for the clients to read, such as those re- In spite of all the complexities and difficulties of
ferred to in this chapter. contemporary family life. I have never actually met
who regretted being a parent. Whenever
any parent
we have done life cycle exercises with trainees,
Talking to Parents about Values
grouping people by life cycle stage and having
It is the essence of a parent's job to teach their chil- them discuss the issues, one of the childless partic-
dren what they themselves have learned about how ipants always says something like, "It's too hard.
to live a meaningful life. If parents don't think Why does anyone have children?" At this point, the
about and articulate their own values, children will parents laugh in astonishment and fall all over each
infer them from the way their parents live. It is bet- other trying to describe the joys, pleasures, and
ter for us to think about what we want to teach. transcendence of parenthood. Maybe it's like talk-
Benjamin Spock, who moved with the

Dr. ing about sex to a virgin — the problematic aspects
times, declared in 1997 that "parental hesitancy" of it may be clear, but it's almost impossible to fully
had become the most common problem in child- articulate the physical, sensory, intellectual, emo-
rearing (pp. 123). Dr. Spock strongly emphasized tional, and spiritual experience of connectedness to
the importance of parental discussion of their prin- another human being through love.
.
272 CHAPTER 15
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Ault-Riche, M. ( 1994). Sex, money and laundry: Sharing Grotevant. H. D.. McRoy, R. G., Elde, C. L. & Fravel,
responsibilities in intimate relationships. Journal of D. L. (1994). Adoptive family system dynamics:
Feminist Family Therapy, 6( 1 ). 69-87. Variations by levels of openness in the adoption.
Barnett. R.. & Rivers, C. (1996). She works/he works: Family Process. 33.(2). 125-146.
How two-income families are happier, healthier, and Hartman. A. (1993). Secrecy in Adoption. In E. Imber-
better off. New York: HarperCollins. Black (Ed.), Secrets in families and family therapy,
Beck, M. (1994). The infertility trap, Newsweek, 123, (pp. 86-105). New York: Norton.
30-31. Hartman, A. ( 1996). Social policy as a context for lesbian
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Samuels, P. ( 1995. Feb. 12). The executive life. New York
Times, p. 23.
Chapter 16
TRANSFORMATION OF THE FAMILY

SYSTEM DURING ADOLESCENCE
NYDIA GARCIA PRETO
The adaptations in family structure and organiza- and ideas about life. As a result, the family's func-
tion that are required to handle the tasks of ado- tion as an emotional support system is threatened.
lescence are so basic that the family itself is The threat is greater for families that are econom-
transformed from a unit that protects and nurtures ically disadvantaged and living in poor urban and
young children to one that is a preparation center rural neighborhoods.
for the adolescent's entrance into the world of This chapter focuses on the overall transfor-
adult responsibilities and commitments. This fam- mation that families experience as they try to mas-
ily metamorphosis involves profound shifts in re- ter the tasks of adolescence, keeping in mind that
lationship patterns across the generations, and perceptions about adolescent roles and behaviors
while it may be signaled initially by the adoles- vary depending on the socioeconomic and cultural
cent's physical maturity, it often parallels and co- context. Most families, after a certain degree of
incides with changes in parents as they enter confusion and disruption, are able to change the
midlife and with major transformations faced by rules and limits and reorganize themselves to al-
grandparents facing old age. There are significant low adolescents more autonomy and independence.
differences in the ways families adapt to these However, certain universal problems are associ-
changes depending on the meaning that the family ated with this transition that can result in the devel-
gives to adolescence as a life stage and to adoles- opment of symptoms in the adolescent or in other
cent roles and behaviors. Cultural factors and so- family members. Clinical cases will illustrate some
cioeconomic forces greatly affect how families of the blocks that families experience during this
define this stage of development. phase, as well as factors that may contribute to
As the twenty-first century approaches, fami- family disorganization or symptomatic behavior and
lies in the United States are more than ever chal- therapeutic interventions that may be effective
lenged by the risks of living in an increasingly with these families.

endangered environment and in a society in which,
largely for economic reasons, parents choose or
THE SOCIOCULTURAL CONTEXT
are forced to work longer and longer hours, limit-
ing the time they can spend at home with their chil- The experiences that we have during adolescence
dren. Diminished connections to extended family in our families, community, and society greatly af-
and community have left parents struggling alone fect the way in which we teach and guide adoles-
and more dependent on external systems for cents later in life. Our cultural values, attitudes
teaching children and for setting limits on them. about gender, and beliefs about life and death are
At the same time, teenagers are turning more and central factors influencing the formation of their
more to their peers for emotional support and to identities. However, the culture in which we live
the pop culture promoted by the media for values has a tremendous impact on that process.
274
I K WSI ORMA ION OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM DURING ADOLESCENCE
I
275
In the United States, patriarchal values and encourage adolescents to fulfill adult responsibili-
racism shape relationship patterns between men ties, such as caretaking duties, or to contribute fi-
and women. Men have more political and eco- nancially to the home, yet still expect them to
nomic power than women. Whites have more priv- remain obedient to and respectful of parents. Be-
ilege than people of color do. Sexism and racism coming independent, living on one's own, such an
are sources of social oppression that affect all men important goal in the United States, may not have
and women in this culture and that marginalize and the same value in other cultures, in which inter-
abuse women, people of color, and homosexuals. dependence is preferred (McGoldrick, Giordano. &
The media promote and reinforce these values on a Pearce. 1996).
daily basis. Adolescents, particularly, are vulnera-
ble to media exploitation. Their values and beliefs
DEVELOPING A GENDER IDENTITY
about life, their views about gender relationships.
the way they dress, talk, and walk are all greatly in- By age 2. children are able to distinguish girls from
fluenced by what they see on TV and in films and boys, and by age 4. they begin to identify tasks
by the music they hear. according to gender. As they develop physically,
The music they listen to. especially, reflects emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually, distinct
the attitudes of the peer group with which they differences between boys and girls can be ob-
identify. In most schools and communities in the served. Maccoby (1990) summarizes research
United States, adolescents, like adults, segregate findings that show differences in patterns of inter-
along racial, cultural, and class lines. Their identity action between boys and girls. For instance, boys
as female, male, lesbian, gay. White. Black. Asian, tend to be more rough in their play than girls and
Latino, rich, poor, smart, or learning disabled is are more inclined toward dominance. They are
partly shaped by how the media portray those also less likely to be influenced by girls, who tend
roles. Yet many adolescents cannot identify with to adopt a style of making polite suggestions. Al-
the images promoted by the media, nor do they though this may seem to reinforce the idea that
have access to the products being sold. They feel "boys will be boys, and girls will be girls." it is be-
marginalized by society and invisible, and some coming more and more clear that some of our be-
don't even experience the process of adolescence liefs about gender differences are constructed by
because they go from childhood directly into culture and society (Mann. 1996). For instance, in
adulthood. Manhood in America, Kimmel (1996) writes that

In White, middle-class mainstream America, "manhood is not the manifestation of an inner es-
turning 13 "normally" means becoming a legiti- sence: it's socially constructed. Manhood does not
mate teenager, an adolescent, and symbolizes bubble up to consciousness from our biological
growth toward physical and emotional maturity, constitution: it is created in our culture" (p. 5). In a
responsibility, and independence. But turning 13 similar way. girls in this society learn that to be-
doesn't necessarily have the same meaning for come good women, they must be "willing to take
poor African Americans or for Latino and Asian care of. or to take on the cares of others, a willing-
immigrants who are marginalized in this society ness often to sacrifice oneself for others in the hope
and have little access to economic resources. Ado- that if one cared for others one would be loved and
lescence, for many in these groups, means assum- cared for by them" (Gilligan. Lyons. & Hanmer.
ing adult responsibilities as soon as possible. Many 1990. p. 8).
have children at age 14. quit school, and go to work Growing up in this context, girls and boys
as soon as they can be hired. Others stay home to learn that there are different sets of expectations
take care of brothers, sisters, or parents who are for males and females. It has also been observed
unable to take care of themselves (Burton. that "gender segregation is a widespread phenom-
Obeidallah. & Allison. 1996). Some cultures may enon found in all the cultural settings in which
276 CHAPTER 16
children are in social groups large enough to per- become successful bread winners and providers,
mit choice" (Maccoby, 1990, p. 414). As they are no longer effective (p. 298).
grow, there is an increased emphasis on the separa-

tion of genders. The evolution of separate spheres Yet, rather than looking at how changes in the
for males and females in this country can be traced social structure in this country have affected men
back to the mid- 1800s (Kimmel. 1996). To be- and women, a major part of the blame for men's
come "real men" in the new land, boys had to gain dissatisfactions and limitations continues to be
independence from the family as soon as possible. placed on women. For instance, the belief that to
Girls, on the other hand, lost their independence find themselves and become true men. boys need
once they matured and married. Being in control to separate from their mothers and bond with their
was essential for men to compete and be success- fathers and other men (Bly, 1990; Keen, 1991 ) per-
ful, and the presence of women in the workplace petuates the problem. Rather than learning to be
threatened that goal. Women became increasingly accountable and responsible to others and to fight
bound to the home, and their worth was largely against injustice based on difference, they fight for
measured by their ability to raise children and by power by excluding and dominating the weaker.
their domestic talents. These patterns are intrinsic And as Gilligan et al., (1990) tell us, "for girls to
in patriarchal societies and are not unique to the remain responsive to themselves, they must resist
United States. By observing the adults in their lives the conventions of feminine goodness; to remain
and through exposure to television and the media, responsive to others, they must resist the values
children learn that men have more power and priv- placed on self-sufficiency and independence in
ilege than women do. Unless children live with North American culture" (p. 10) They must make a
adults whose behavior challenges these beliefs, by commitment to resist and to ask questions about
adolescence they have incorporated into their iden- what relationship means to themselves, to others,
tities the stereotypes about gender that our culture and to the world.
promotes (Mann, 1996). For African American adolescents, forming

Girls growing up in the United States today an identity goes beyond values and beliefs about
are perhaps more oppressed than in earlier decades gender, since they have to first cope with "society's
(Pipher, 1994). Even though the women's move- definition of them as. first and foremost, black"
ment has opened certain doors for females, girls (Hardy, 1996, p. 55). Forming a positive identity as
a Black male or Black female in a racist society in
are coming of age in a more dangerous, sexualized which being Black is demeaned poses a dilemma
and media-saturated culture. They face incredible
for adolescents. Learning to repudiate society's
pressures to be beautiful and sophisticated, which
negative stereotypes and to include their Blackness
in junior high means using chemicals and being
as positively valued and desired is necessary for
sexual. As they navigate in a more dangerous
world, girls are less protected. America today lim-
Black adolescents to form a positive identity. This
its girls' development, truncates their wholeness is also true for other adolescents of color, such as
and leaves them traumatized. (Pipher, 1994. p. 12). Latinos and Asians. Living among Whites and fac-
ing daily situations based on skin color that are

Boys face a different dilemma. As Kimmel hurtful, humiliating, and devaluing at school and in
(1996) puts it,
the street is never an easy experience. The darker
the skin, the more difficult it is. Being Black and
they are growing up in a society where the struc-
female means having two strikes against you
tural foundations of traditional manhood, such as
(Ward. 1990). For Black males, the risk of being
economic independence, geographic mobility, and
domestic dominance, have all been eroding. Pat- killed in the street, incarcerated, or assumed to be
terns of self control, exclusion of others, and escape involved in criminal activities is much higher than
from the home, which in the past had helped males it is for Whites. African American males, espe-
TRANSFORMATION OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM DURING ADOLESCENCE 277
daily, have a much lower life expectancy than The physical growth makes adolescents eat
African American women or Whites of either sex more and sleep longer. Following the growth spurt,
(Hines & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). "Concerns for their chests expand, their trunks lengthen, and their
their children's futures may reactivate parents' voices deepen; additionally, shoulders develop in
sense of powerlessness and rage about racism, boys and hips in girls. They also seem to have
sometimes resulting in self-defeating behavior" spurts of physical energy, followed by periods of
(Hines & Boyd-Franklin, 19%. p. 76). It is impor- lethargy. This change leads to conflicts between
tant for parents to help their children cope with the parents and adolescents in most families. Parents
anger and frustration by reconnecting with strate- become nags in the eyes of their children, and chil-
gies and stories that have given them strength and dren become inconsiderate, lazy, and disobedient
sharing them with their children (Hardy, 1996; in the eyes of parents.
Hines & Boyd-Franklin. 1996). Outside the home, adolescents have to deal
These questions are critical, and because dur- with the pressures of fitting into a peer group.
ing adolescence children acquire the ability to These pressures are, for the most part, gender spe-
think abstractly, having an adult discussion with cific and result from social and cultural expecta-
them would be possible. Yet the two major forces tions based on patriarchal values. For example,
of adolescence (Wolf. 1991), the onset of sexuality although the emphasis on physical attractiveness is
and the mandate that commands adolescents to strong for both boys and girls, the pressure to be
turn away from parents and childhood, could make beautiful is enormous for girls. For boys, being
such a conversation between parents and children physically strong and athletic has more impor-
very strained, though perhaps possible with either tance. And although being slight in weight and
extended family members or in therapy. These short in stature may cause boys to feel insecurities,
forces are similar for boys and girls. However, girls who don't fit the social ideal of beauty seem
there are very distinct differences in the way boys to be at greater risk. One reason is that in our cul-
and girls experience the physical, emotional, and ture being beautiful also has negative connota-
sexual changes that adolescence triggers in them tions, as demonstrated by the jokes and caricatures
and in the way parents tend to react to these about the "dumb blonde." creating a dilemma for
changes. Following is a closer look at how boys girls. Another is that physical attractiveness means
and girls experience those changes. being thin. At an age when their bodies are chang-
ing and getting softer and fuller, girls may begin to
see themselves as fat.
Physical Changes
For many girls, dieting becomes a way to
The differences between males and females during control weight. Bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive
this stage of development are clearly visible when eating are conditions that are rarely found in
itcomes to physical changes. Generally, girls tend males. Out-of-control eating is often associated
to grow faster than boys. The experience of having with out-of-control emotions. Some studies report
their bodies grow so rapidly elicits reactions of that on any given day, half the teenage girls in the
confusion both in them and in their parents. Our United States are dieting, one in five young women
little kids begin to turn into adult-looking people. has an eating disorder, and 8 million women of
Their features change as their faces become more all ages have eating disorders (Pipher, 1994). Al-
elongated, and their legs and arms dangle from a though clinicians tend to see eating disorders as
trunk that is too small to carry them, especially behavioral manifestations of complex family dys-
during early adolescence. Parents are constantly function, many see the media as contributing to the
buying new clothes and shoes with mixed feelings
:
problem by setting dangerous standards of beauty

of excitement and sadness as they try to keep up and thinness to which girls aspire (Mann, 1996).
with the growth spurts. Some of these standards for thinness are very close
278 CHAPTER 16
to the standards for anorexia (Mann, 1996). An im- sion, eating disorders, suicide, and other emotional
portant point here is that although the detection of disturbances. A major factor in drug and alcohol
eating disorders in African Americans and Latinos abuse for both males and females is a history of
seems to be increasing, the group that seems to sexual abuse and rape. The 1992 Rape in America
be more affected by this problem continues to be Study (National Victim Center, 1992) found that
White middle-and upper-class girls. the age at which a girl's first rape occurred was
younger than the age at which she first became in-
toxicated on alcohol or used drugs. Serious drink-

Sexual Changes
ing problems were 12 times higher, and serious
The development of secondary sexual changes drug abuse problems 25 times higher in rape vic-
ends the growth spurt but not all growth. For girls, tims than in nonvictims. There is also a higher pos-
this is usually marked by menarche, and for boys sibility for rape victims to become pregnant than
by the experience of ejaculations. Most girls reach for girls who have not been abused (The Arizona
menarche by age 12 (Males, 1996) and some as Family Planning Council, 1995). Studies of urban
Boys tend to reach pu-
early as 9 (Pipher, 1994). adolescents of color (Smith, 1997) concur with re-
berty a year later than girls, usually by age 14 search that points to the interlinking of risk factors
(Males, 1996). Both experience sexual feelings in the lives of adolescents, as well as the interlink-
coming to the surface, which is unavoidable being of problem behaviors (Ooms, 1995). Sexual
cause of the biological changes their bodies un- abuse, rape, and substance use are clearly linked,
dergo, and they also feel somewhat awkward and as well as the risk for early pregnancy. Teenage
self conscious about their sexually maturing bod- boys in the study were more likely to have sex ear-
ies. The implications for girls, however, are differ- lier, therefore increasing their exposure to disease.
ent than those for boys. Girls are emotionally Girls who initiated sex earlier were more likely to
unprepared for the sexual harassment they encoun- become pregnant earlier.
ter because of these changes (Pipher, 1994). Generally, girls and boys are having sex earlier
The reality is that in today's world, girls are at than in previous generations, and although they are
risk, not only for sexual harassment but also for taught at most schools about sexually transmitted
rape and sexual abuse. For instance, the National diseases, pregnancy, and AIDS, they tend to not use
Women's Study of 4,000 women in 1992 found condoms or other forms of protection (Wolf, 1991;
that one in eight women, a projected 12.1 million Pipher, 1994). Especially for girls, social sanctions
in the U.S. population, had been raped. Of the vic- against sex have dropped sharply. Behaviors that
tims, 62 percent were raped before age 18 and 29 in the past would have branded a girl a slut among
percent before age 1 1 . "The survey found that rape her friends are now more accepted (Wolf, 1991).
in America is a tragedy of youth, with the major- However, boys are still given more leeway when it
ity of rape cases occurring during childhood and comes to sexual behavior. We still live in a society
adolescence" (Pipher, 1994, p. 219). A study by in which "boys, because they are males, have to be
the Alan Guttmacher Institute (1994) asked junior aggressive, and they have to use this aggression to
high school girls what they meant by having sex. prove themselves, not only athletically, intellectu-
For 40 percent of girls under age 15 who had had ally, but sexually as well" (Silverstein & Rash-
sex, their only experience with sex had been a rape, baum, 1994, p. 120).
and the men involved in these rapes were substan- For gay and lesbian youths, adolescence is a
tially older. This alone is a good reason for parents time when they are more likely to label and under-
to feel more protective of daughters and anxious stand their sexual orientation. Because of the
about giving them the same freedom as boys. greater visibility of homosexuals in today's soci-
The psychological results of rape and sexual ety, there are more possibilities for adolescents to
abuse of children and adolescents are often depres- be exposed to role models and to a gay and lesbian
culture (Savin-Williams. 19%). The prejudice that that 20 to 40 percent of gay and lesbian adolescents
adolescents in this situation face is still overwhelm- have made suicide attempts, half of them have
ing. Coming out to their parents is probably the made multiple attempts, and they are two or three
event that provokes the most anxiety and fear for times more likely to actually commit suicide than
them, especially for minority adolescents who de- heterosexual youths (Savin-Williams, 1996). How-
pend on the family as the primary support system ever, Shaffer, D.; Fisher, P.; Hicks, R. H.; Parides,
for dealing with the discrimination they experience M.; & Gould, M. (1995) conducted a psychological
outside (Savin-Williams, 1996; Morales, 1996). autopsy study of 120 of 170 consecutive suicides
Generally, gay and lesbian adolescents are under age 20 and 147 community, age, sex, and eth-
more likely to disclose to mothers, fearing more nic matched controls living in the greater New York
the reaction from fathers. In fact. Herdt and Boxer City area that found no evidence that the risk fac-
(1993) found that one in ten youths who disclosed tors for suicide among gays were any different from
being homosexual to their fathers was expelled those among The data in that
straight teenagers.
from the home. Sometimes, the reaction at home is study shows that although the experience of estab-
dangerous and violent. Hunter (1990) found that lishing a gay orientation may be painful, it does not
the majority of violent physical attacks experi- lead disproportionately to suicide.
enced by 500 primarily Black or Latino minority
youths occurred in the family and were gay-re-
Emotional Changes
lated. Yet, most adolescents in this situation want
their parents to know, and even though initially the The emotional immaturity that boys and girls expe-
relationship usually deteriorates, it tends to im- rience during early adolescence is manifested by
prove thereafter (Savin- Williams, 1996). changeable and intense moods. This instability of
However, for many, like Horace, a 16-year-old feelings leads to unpredictable behavior. Emotional
White male of German ancestry, the situation at reactions are not always proportionate to the pre-
school and home can lead to suicidal behavior. In cipitating event, causing confusion for parents and
therapy, he talked about the loneliness and fear that other adults as they try to reason with adolescents
he experienced. (Pipher, 1994). While maturing emotionally, ado-
lescents feel the need to move toward indepen-
My attraction to men is not something I chose. I
dence, and to do that, they feel compelled to turn
tried for the longest time to push it out of my mind,
away from their childish ways. Implicit in this task
and do all the things that boys are supposed to do,
Sometimes is the need to transform the relationship with their
but I can't change myself. I get scared,
especially when I hear about all the gay men who parents. As with sexual feelings, it is a process that
are dying of AIDS. I feel bad for my parents. They cannot be avoided. This is complicated, however,
love me, but don't understand why this is happen- because along with wanting to venture out and be-
ing, and are ashamed of me. They also fear for my come independent, there is also a part of them that
life. No one else knows in the family, and I hate pulls toward wanting parents to take care of them.
pretending in front of my grandparents. At school
They do not want to break the emotional bond they
I'm constantly on the look out, worried that they'll
have with their parents. Instead, they want a dif-
find me out and lynch me. I'd be better off dead. I
ferent balance in the relationship that allows for
don't see another way out.
validation of their changing selves (Apter. 1990).
Most gay and lesbian adolescents remain clos- "They want the nurturance without the fuss" (Wolf,
eted, particularly in high school. When there is out- 1991). Away from home, they can begin to act ma-
side recognition that leads to intense harassment ture and responsible, but at home they want to be
from peers and lack of support at home, emotional left alone with no demands and no expectations.
problems are likely to emerge. In these cases, there While both and boys may go through
girls a
is a high risk of suicide. Some studies have found similar emotional experience, their patterns for
280 CHAPTER 16
expressing emotion and relating to mothers and to three generations of relatives. It is not uncommon
fathers are different. For instance, boys tend to be for parents and grandparents to redefine their rela-
more withdrawn, going into themselves, and, as in tionships during this period, as well as for spouses
the case of my son, sometimes become clams. to renegotiate their marriage, and siblings to ques-
Girls don't necessarily stop talking or withdraw; tion their position in the family. Because these de-
instead, they fight. What I have observed in my mands are so strong, they also serve as catalysts for
clinical practice, and at home with my son and reactivating unresolved conflicts between parents
daughter, is that girls are more likely to let parents and grandparents or between the parents them-
know what they feel by yelling, while boys are selves and to set triangles in motion. For instance,
more avoidant and tend to deal with situations by efforts to resolve conflicts between adolescents
leaving the scene. For boys, engaging in fights and parents often repeat earlier patterns of relating
with parents may lead to aggressive behavior such in parents' families of origin. Parents who have
as punching holes in walls or breaking furniture, made a conscious effort to raise their children dif-
while girls are more likely to scream, cry, and pro- ferently by avoiding the same "mistakes" their
claim their hate. These patterns seem to fit cultural parents made often have a particularly rude
and social expectations for gender-specific behav- awakening. When their children reach adoles-
ior. For example, boys are usually given more free- cence, they are often surprised to observe similari-
dom than girls to leave the house, while girls have ties in personality between children and parents.
more permission to express a wider range of emo- Parents in this situation may react with extreme
tions (Pipher, 1994). Boys, as Silverstein and confusion, anger, or resentment or may themselves
Rashbaum 1994) ( state, learn only to express an- get in touch with similar needs and. in turn, make
ger. A similarity between boys and girls, however, the same requests of their own parents or of each
seems to be that the more dependent they feel on other.
their parents, the more turbulent this process will Families during this period are also responding
be (Silverstein and Rashbaum. 1994; Pipher, 1994; and adjusting to the new demands of other family
Wolf, 1991). members, who themselves are entering new stages
Another difference between boys and girls is of the life cycle. For example, most parents with ad-
in their pattern of establishing friendships. Girls olescents in the mainstream U.S. culture are in mid-
tend to talk to each other on the phone for longer dle age. Their focus is on such major midlife issues
periods of time and to care more about what one as reevaluating their marriage and careers. The
thinks of the other. They spend more energy deal- marriage emerging from the heavy caretaking re-
ing with relationships and change friendships with sponsibilities of young children may be threatened
greater frequency than boys do. Boys tend to hold as parents review personal satisfaction in the light
on longer to the same friends and to build relation- of the militant idealism of their adolescent children.
ships around activities and sports. However, re- For many women, this may actually be the first op-
gardless of these differences, boys and girls are portunity to work outside the home without the re-
similar in that they are more interested in their strictions they faced when the children were young.
friends than in adults. They want to fit in with their However, because of the economic situation in this
peers and. depending on how secure they feel, are country, there is an increasing need for both parents
easily influenced by group pressures. to work to meet the expenses of raising children
and maintaining a home. Especially for working-

class families, fathers may have a particularly hard
CHANGES IN THE FAMILY STRUCTURE
time. Finding that they have reached their limits of
The adolescent's demands for greater indepen- earning and advancement or facing layoffs as their
dence tend to precipitate structural shifts and rene- place of work no longer needs them makes them
gotiation of roles in families involving at least feel very insecure.
The normal stress and tension posed to the by middle-axed or older women. Further, the
tamiK bj an adolescent are exacerbated when the middle-aged woman has been propelled to the
status of great-grandmother, a role usually occu-
parents experience acute dissatisfaction and feel
pied by women in their later years. " (Burton et
compelled to make changes in themselves. At the
al.. 1996. p. 406).
same time, the grandparents face retirement and
possible moves, illness, and death. These stressful
events call for a renegotiation of relationships, and The example illustrates the point that as a re-
parents may be called upon to be caretakers of sult of the closeness in generations, chronologi-
their own parents or to assist them in integrating cal and developmental challenges often become
the losses of old age. What often forms is a field of inconsistent with generational roles. The result
conflicting demands, in which the stress seems to may be that parents and children behave more
be transmitted both up and down the generations. like siblings, making it difficult for parents to
For example, if there is conflict between parents discipline their children. Families may also have
and grandparents, it may have a negative effect on difficulty identifying adolescence as a specific
the marital relationship that filters down into the life stage.
relationship between the parents and the adoles- There are remarkable differences in the rituals
cent. Or the conflict may travel in the opposite that ethnic groups use to handle adolescence. For
direction. A conflict between the parents and ado- instance, Anglo Americans (McGill & Pearce,
lescent may affect the marital relationship, which 1996) do not struggle to keep their children at
ultimately affects the relationship between the par- home, as do Italians, Jews, and Latinos. Histori-
ents and grandparents. cally they have promoted early separation of ado-
These patterns may differ depending on fac- lescents and the development of an individualistic,
tors such as race, class, and ethnicity. For instance. self-defined, adult identity. As McGill and Pearce
Burton et al. (1 996) conducted a study of poor in- (1996) observe, "if contemporary parents try to
ner-city African American teens and found that in promote independence by withdrawing physical,
many of the families, there was a narrow age emotional support too soon, the Anglo
financial, or
difference between the generations, which tended American adolescent will probably feel aban-
to blur developmental boundaries and roles of doned. The result may be a kind of false adulthood
family members. The blurring of intergenerational with premature identity foreclosure" (p. 456).
boundaries in these age-condensed families af- Renegotiating rules and limits is key during
fected the authority that parents had over children this stage of development for most families. "You
as well as the adolescents' perceptions of appropri- can't treat me like a baby anymore" may be said in
ate behavior. Consider, for example, a family where the middle of a "childish tantrum." but the mes-
the sage must be heard and taken seriously. Parents
must be ready to let go and yet stay connected to
child generation included both a young mother guide, and be protective when necessary. This is
(age fifteen) and her child (age one), a young-adult much easier said than done. It is true that, adoles-
generation, which is comprised of a rwenn -nine- cents are not babies or little children, but neither
year-old grandmother, and a middle-age genera-
are they adults. Even when they fulfill adult roles
tion, which includes a forty-three-year-old great-
during early adolescence, such as having children
grandmother.
themselves or taking care of ill parents, they are
The adolescent mother, as a function of giving
not emotionally mature until later in the process.
birth, islaunched into the young-adult role sta-
tus; however, she remains legally and develop- The family must be strong and able to make its
mentally a member of the child generation. boundaries more flexible. This is usually easier
Similarly, the young-adult female has moved to with each successive child but is particularly diffi-
status of grandmother, a stage typically embodied cult when parents are unable to support each other.
282 CHAPTER 16
are isolated, and lack the support of extended fam- cents yet encourages the adolescents' need for in-
ily or community. dependence. At home. I struggle to do the same
with my 18-year-old son, and 14-year-old daugh-
THERAPEUTIC INTERVENTIONS ter and feel the range of emotions most parents feel
when children pull away, keep secrets, and tell us
The Carnegie Council on Adolescent Develop- "you don't understand."
ment (1995), a ten-year national study of adoles-
cence, reported that rates of teen drug and alcohol
use. unprotected sexual activity, violent victimiza- Renegotiating Relationships between
tion, delinquency, eating disorders, and depression Parents and Adolescents
are now sufficiently widespread that nearly half of What also happens as parents and adolescents try
American adolescents are at high or moderate risk to redefine relationships is that parents often expe-
of seriously damaging their life chances. This is rience a resurfacing of emotions related to unre-
true of adolescents across all demographic lines.
solved issues with their own parents. In therapy,
This finding coincides with the types of problems paying attention to the triangles that operated in
that are presented in therapy. Parents seeking help
the parents' families of origin and coaching them
for their troubled adolescent in the United States to do so some work with their own parents can be
at this point in time are likely to be overworked, very helpful in furthering their ability to listen and
overcommitted, tired, and poor and to have little
feel less reactive to their children's behavior. Such
outside support (Pipher, 1994). Many are single was the case with Clara and her mother:
parents, mothers in most cases (Sandmaier. 1996).
They tend to feel inadequate, see their families as Clara. 15. lived with her 39-year-old mother, Mrs.
dysfunctional, and expect their children to rebel Callahan, her 12-year-old sister. Sonia, and her
and to distance themselves emotionally. Viewing mother's paternal aunt. Her parents had been di-
these families as dysfunctional is also a wide- vorced since she was ten. Her mother was Puerto
spread tendency among mental health professionals Rican, and her father was Irish. He was remarried
that limits our ability to intervene from a perspec- to an Asian woman. Mrs. Callahan had remained
tive that considers the context in which they live

unmarried. She was a professional woman who
kept herself isolated from peers and focused her
and the effect that culture has on them.
energy on being a good mother. Clara, who had al-
Helping parents to maintain an emotional
ways been very close to her mother, had begun to
bond with adolescents in a culture that says that
pull away, stay out late, and show interest in boys.
parents are supposed to pull away when a child
Mrs. Callahan, afraid of the dangers in the street
reaches adolescence is a challenge for most thera- and worried would become pregnant, re-
that Clara
pists. Yet we all need encouragement to hang in stricted her outings. The more Clara challenged
there, listen differently, confront our own limits, the limits, the stricter her mother became. Clara
and take the necessary measures to earn our child's threatened to run away and kill herself. After she
trust (Sandmaier, 1996). Recent studies find that spoke to a teacher at school, the referral for therapy
teenagers who feel close to their families were the was made.
Mrs. Callahan was angry with Clara and unwill-
least likely to engage in any of the risky behaviors
ing to listen to her daughter's criticisms. She felt re-
that were studied, which included smoking mari-
jected by her daughter, for whom she had sacrificed
juana or cigarettes, drinking, and having sex, and
so much. Clara felt bad about hurting her mother
that high expectations from parents for their teen-
but was angry at what she thought was her mother's
agers' school performance were nearly as impor- unfairness. Supporting Mrs. C.'s intention to pro-
tant (Gilbert, 1997). In my clinical practice, I am tect her daughter by validating the dangers that
constantly trying to maintain a balance that re- girls are exposed to in this society made it easier for
spects the parents' responsibility to protect adoles- her to listen to Clara's position. Inviting Clara's
great-aunt, who lived with them, to the sessions Another factor that this case elucidates is the
clarified how Clara's adolescence had activated a considerable impact that the lack of extended fam-
triangle similar to one that had operated in the pre-
ily or other supports has on how families manage
vious generation. The triangle, triggered b\ disci-
adolescence. Some ethnic groups, such as Puerto
pline issues, involved Clara. Mrs. C. and the great-
Ricans, rely heavily on extended family members
aunt. Clara thought her great-aunt was too old-
to help with the discipline of adolescents and the
fashioned and resented her attempts to discipline.
C. who would
clarification of boundaries. It is common for Puerto
Both would complain to Mrs. try to
Rican parents to send a rebellious adolescent to live
mediate by explaining cultural differences but was
confused about which values to keep and would with an uncle or godparent who can be more objec-
end up feeling powerless. The aunt would react by tive about setting limits. This move also provides
moving in to support Mrs. C. and Clara would dis- time for parents and adolescents to obtain enough
tance herself, feeling rejected by both. emotional distance from each other to regain con-
During her adolescence. Mrs. C. had been in- trol and reestablish a more balanced relationship.
volved in a triangle w ith her mother and this aunt. Relying solely on the nuclear family to provide
who was her father's youngest sister. The aunt control, support, and guidance for adolescents can
would try to mediate between Mrs. C. and her
overload the circuits and escalate conflicts.
mother when they had arguments but would usually
For instance, my home is considered a safe
end up defending her niece. The mother would then
get angry and distance herself from Mrs. C. who in
haven for my 17-year-old nephew, my dead
turn would feel rejected. I was able to help shift the

brother's son. who lives with his mother. The two
triangle by telling them that Clara needed support of them have a very close relationship, but some-
from both of them but primarily from her mother. I

times they have extremely intense conflict. My
suggested that Clara was as confused as they by the nephew was 1 1 when his father died, and through
different ways in which the two cultures dealt w ith the years, he has assumed an adult role at times
adolescence. when his mother overwhelmed and hopeless.
felt
Asking them to identify which Puerto Rican val- At 17, he challenges her limits, feeling that since
ues were creating the greatest conflict at home led she expects him to act as an adult at times, he
them to thinking about a compromise. They agreed
should be entitled to adult privileges. Not long ago.
that dating was the greatest source of conflict, since
when I called my sister-in-law to say hello, they
in Puerto Rico, this practice has very different rules
were in the middle of a fight. She was desperate,
and connotations. Dating does not start until much
and he had left the house to avoid her screams. He
later, and it is usually in the company of family or
friends. I pointed out that for Clara to live in this
returned w hile I was on the phone, and I suggested
culture and feel comfortable with her peers, they

that he come for a visit.
needed to adapt to some of the values of this cul- He did, and we talked about the problems at
ture. As a compromise, they agreed to let Clara go home and about how he misses his father. My hus-
on double dates, but only with people they knew, band and I told stories about my brother and how
and to negotiate a curfew with Clara's input. much he had loved the boy. It was easier for him to
To make additional changes in the relationship hear from us that he was not entitled to adult priv-
between Clara and her mother, work had to be done ileges yet and that challenging his mother's limits
with Mrs. Callahan and her mother, who lived in
by screaming and making threats was not helpful
Puerto Rico. Coaching Mrs. C. to share some of her
or appropriate. I was also able to talk with my sis-
conflicts with her mother through letters and on a
ter-in-law after she calmed down about how diffi-
visit to Puerto Rico and to ask her advice about dis-
cult it is to raise adolescent sons, and how much I
ciplining Clara was a way to lessen the emotional
respect her for doing it alone without another adult
distance between them. Mrs. C. became more ac-
cepting of her mother's limitations and began to ap- at home. It was good for me to spend time with
preciate the attention she gave. This helped her to him. It was good for her to have a break from him
listen more attentively to her daughter. and to know that he could talk and reason.
284 CHAPTER 16
Strengthening the Parental Bond were against him. Mr. Murphy was also involved in
a midlife reevaluation of his own work life, which

Whether parents are living together or apart, it is
meant coming to terms with disappointments and
critical for them to agree on rules for adolescents. letting go of unfulfilled dreams. Overwhelmed by
Adolescents tend to do better in families in which conflicts in their marriage and their own midlife
they are encouraged to participate in decision mak- struggles, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy had been unable to
ing but parents have rational control and ultimately be objective and supportive of Tom's moves toward
decide what is appropriate (Henry & Peterson, independence. Instead they experienced his behav-
1995). Parents who are in control and high in ac- ior as Tom's collusive alliance with one parent
ceptance have adolescents who are independent, against the other. His move toward independence
represented a threat to the system, especially to the
socially responsible, and confident (Pipher, 1994).
parent's relationship.
It is also important for parents to resist the impulse
The initial focus in therapy was to help the fam-
to focus entirely on the adolescent's problems and
ily make decisions about handling the present prob-
to pay attention to themselves and their own rela-
lem. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy were asked to take a
tionship (Carter & Peters, 1996). When parents break from making plans for Tom's future, to back
disagree and one becomes involved in alliances off and let him take responsibility for negotiating at
with the children against the other, the problems school. Instead, they were to make a plan clarifying
presented by adolescents escalate. The case of 17- their expectations of Tom if he did not go to col-
year-old Tom Murphy illustrates some of the shifts lege. Working on this task strengthened their bond
that may occur during adolescence when the child as parents and helped Tom to gain confidence about
is in a triangle with parents who are in a struggle: his own choices. As they reviewed their own ado-
lescence and patterns of relationships in their fam-
ilies of origin, they became more objective about
Tom no longer wanted to be an engineer, as his
each other and were able to make connections be-
parents were planning for him, but had become
tween the past and present. Asking them to talk
interested in lighting and theater. However, his
about their plans for the future as a couple enabled
parents, disapproved of his interest and were
constantly urging him to go to college. Afraid to
them to focus on their relationship and begin to face
cause arguments, he avoided conversations with

their problems directly. Tom began to make more
responsible decisions about his future.
his parents and refused to go places with them, es-
pecially with his mother, to whom he had been a
constant companion. At school, he gave up, failing
to do assignments that were required for gradua- Building Community
tion and dropping courses he did not want. His
behavior alarmed the teachers enough to ask the "It takes a village to raise a child" may sound trite,
psychologist to see him. When his parents were but it is a concept that has deep meaning for any
told, they reacted with fear and anger, confused by parent who experiences the loneliness and shame
his behavior, which they experienced as a rejection of raising adolescents who are troubled. I sit in my
of their values and efforts to give him a good office with parents and adolescents and feel their
future. pain as they tell me their stories, sharing their
In therapy, it became clear that Tom was caught fear as they worry about their children's futures. I
in a classic triangle, trying to please his parents and
worry about my children and pray that the world
feeling responsible for their arguments. But pleas-
will heal itself. I don't want them exposed to rac-
ing one parent meant disappointing the other. Mar-
ism, sexism, violence, and apathy, and yet they are.
ital problems and arguments in this family had
I see their smiles and know that they have dreams
gone on for years. Mrs. Murphy was very dissatis-
fied with the marital relationship and claimed that

and feel hopeful. I want to extend my heart and
Tom, their only child, was the only reason she give them hope, confidence, strength, and love. In
stayed in it. Mr. Murphy was resentful and tried to my practice of therapy these have become my most
minimize the problems, claiming that she and Tom powerful tools.
There is no reason for blame; it accomplishes angry with her for reporting the boyfriend and
nothing. It does not heal adolescents or parents. blamed Tanya for seducing him. Tanya felt re-
Making connections with other families, other jected and hurt but knew that she was not respon-
sible for his behavior. She wanted her mother to
adults, other adolescents and opening our minds
believe her but had given up hope. In the church.
and hearts to others who are also struggling are
she had found other adults who believed her and
healing. What can do I in my office is limited. I can
encouraged her to ask God's help to forgive her
help them look beyond themselves, at the pres-
mother. I worked with her mother to help her see
sures that affect their lives —our lives. We are in it
her daughter as a 14-year-old girl who did the right
together. Their children are also mine. I can help thing by reporting an adult man who abused her. I
parents think about protecting their children, yet be wanted her to feel angry at him and protective of
aware of the limits that bound us. I can encourage her daughter; instead, she was angry about losing
mothers to defy society by not buying into the be- him. I encouraged her to go to church with Tanya,
lief that boys need to separate from mothers to be- hoping that she would hear God's message and
come "real men."I have become much softer with
make connections with the adults who supported
her daughter. She was not ready, and had to ac-
my son, letting him know that I love him and think I
cept it. Tanya had learned through her faith that

that he is a sensitive, caring, and funny young man.
there is strength in forgiving, and I was reminded
I encourage fathers to look inside and outside and
of my limitations and felt grateful to the 14-year-
get in touch with how sexism limits and isolates
old who was teaching me a lesson.
them. I try to keep the real self in my daughter alive
and look for it in every adolescent girl I meet. Establishing support networks with other
Sometimes, it is difficult to look beyond the pain professionals and working with other systems that
I see in their eyes as they tell me stories of sex- may be part of the community in which adoles-
ual abuse, violence, addictions, and self-mutilation cents live, such as schools, churches, and legal
and to consider what there is that is positive in
authorities, are crucial. Connecting parents with
their lives to help them feel strong. I have learned teachers at schools and with other parents is an
from them that sometimes their only salvation lies
essential type of intervention that works toward
in their spiritual beliefs or in their connections to strengthening natural support systems and lessen-
others.
ing the isolation that families experience in our
Tanya, a 14-year-old African American who came present-day communities (Pipher, 1994; Taffel,
in to therapy after reporting at school that her 1996) Interventions that take into account the so-
mother's boyfriend had tried to rape her found sup- ciopolitical context in which we live and its effect
port and strength in her church. Her mother was on families and adolescents are critical.
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teenagers. New York: AGI. teens. In R. Jessor, A. Colby, & R. Shweder (Eds.),
Angelini. P. J. (1995, 17 November). The relationship of Essays on ethnography and human development.
childhood sexual victimization to teenage preg- Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
nancy and STDs. Phoenix, AZ: Arizona Planning Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development. (1995).
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Apter. T. (1990). Altered loves. New York: Fawcett century. New York: Carnegie Corporation.
Columbine. Carter. B.. & Peters, J. K. (1996). Love, honor, and nego-
Bly, R. (1990). Iron John. Reading. MA: Addison- tiate: Making your marriage work. New York:
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Gilligan, C. Lyons, N. P.. & Hanmer, T. (1990). Making Morales, E. (1996). Gender roles among Latino gay and
connections. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University bisexual men: Implications for family and couple
Press. relationships. In J. Laird & R.-J. Green (Eds.), Gays
Hardy, K. (1996, May/June), Breathing room. The Fam- and lesbians in couples and families, (pp. 272-297)
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Henry, S., & Peterson, G. W. (1995). Adolescent social National Victim Center. (1992). Rape in America. Wash-
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The Guilford Press.

Chapter 17
THE LAUNCHING PHASE

OF THE LIFE CYCLE
LYNN BLACKER
OVERVIEW (Bergquist, Greenberg. & Klaum, 1993). Women

say that they have a better quality of life at midlife
Myths of Midlife
than at any other time (Mitchell & Helson, 1990).
"Launching children," "empty nest," "midlife Third, men go through a period of reassessment at
crisis" —These phrases conjure up the widely held midlife, and most of them experience an increase
image of midlife and beyond as the end of mean- in their capacity for relationship skills and an inter-
ingful life, a period of decline, depression, and est in connecting with family members (Levinson,
death. Women are pictured as being worse off than 1978). The concept of the launching stage as a pe-
men, their primary role of child-rearing com- riod of depressed women, distant, workaholic men,
pleted. They are thought to be rattling around their and the nadir of marital happiness has been refuted
empty homes or frantically attempting to make a in study after study, so that by now the term "empty
life for themselves. Men are viewed more optimis- nest syndrome" has been minimized to the point of
tically, since they have a longstanding career as irrelevance (Dowling, 1996; Shapiro, 1996).
their primary focus and source of self-esteem. How do we explain these counterintuitive re-
They are disconnected from their unfulfilled sults of studies of parents whose children have left
wives, but if they want, they can always have one the home? The launching phase must be understood
last fling. Given these divergent paths, marriages in terms of the life stage in which it occurs: midlife.
are assumed to be at their low point of satisfaction. Although the terms "launching" and "midlife" over-
In the 1960s, this constellation of negative images lap, they are not synonymous. Launching is just one
was named the "empty nest syndrome" (Shapiro, of many life cycle tasks that must be accomplished
1996). during the midlife years. Like launching children,
This is a dramatic scenario and might make a the other midlife tasks involve a significant re-
good film script, but it does not match reality. First, alignment of family roles. These other tasks of
midlifers who have launched their children report midlife include becoming a couple again; develop-
more enjoyment of life and more happiness in their ing adult relationships with adult children; accept-
marriages than do people the same age who have ing new family members through marriage and
children at home (White & Edwards, 1993). A birth; and resolving issues with, providing care for,
study of 3,000 adults found that empty nesters and finally burying their parents. Once again, the
were actually less depressed than adults living popular view of midlife is characterized by nega-
with children or those who never had children tive stereotypes and misconceptions. Rather than
(Shapiro, 1996). Second, women anticipate and worrying about declining health and diminished
welcome the departure of their children from the energy and feeling generally demoralized about
home (Mitchell & Helson, 1990) and cope even the idea of impending mortality, most midlifers are
better than men do with this stage of the life cycle in excellent health, feel young and vigorous and
287
288 CHAPTER 17
are excited by the many choices they have before compounded by other significant phenomena of
them (Bergquist et al., 1993). the latter part of twentieth century: the reduced
size of families, more women in the workforce,
higher divorce rates than in the past, more elderly
Middle Age: A New Life Cycle Stage
surviving parents, and more middle-aged single
Like "empty nest syndrome," "middle age" is a women (McCullough & Rutenberg, 1989).
relatively new term. It is the most recently identi- Taken together, this means that families, hav-
fied phase of the life cycle, having first been de- ing fewer children, will finish the launching task at
scribed in 1978 by Levinson (Dowling, 1996). The an earlier age than past generations and will expe-
newness of the construct reflects the fact that we rience a longer postlaunch period until retirement.
are living longer; therefore, life cycle tasks have a This provides many midlife women with an oppor-
new normative timetable. In 1900, when people tunity to expand their part-time work or even begin
died by age 49 (Pogrebin, 1996), life cycle tasks careers outside the home for the first time and pro-
were compressed. Launching and marrying off vides men with a new opportunity for reassess-
children, burying parents, becoming grandparents ment. The high midlife divorce rates mean that for
and becoming widows commonly occurred con- many people, especially women, being in the
currently in one decade. But now. this phase may workforce will be a necessity. Finally, during this
last 20 years or more and is currently the longest elongated postlaunch period, their parents are also
phase in the life cycle. Midlife is commonly de- living longer, so midlifers, especially daughters,
fined as spanning the ages of roughly 45 to 65, en- will be involved in their care. All in all, as midlifers
compassing the period from launching the first gradually make the transition through this lengthy
child to retirement. Because of better health and period, they will be making significant reassess-
increasing longevity, it may get expanded even ments of their roles in their families, their mar-
more in the future. Of course, a significant number riages, their work lives, their support systems, and
of men and women are beginning new families at their life expectations to adapt to the dramatic
midlife rather than launching them. For more in- changes they experience over this twenty- to
formation about the varied lifestyle options avail- twenty-five-year period.
able to men and women at midlife, see Chapters 6,
15, and 21.

Awareness of Mortality
Before the identification of midlife as a life stage,

The Graying of America and the Midlife Stage
it was thought that human development stabilized
The "graying of America" is one of the most sig- in early adulthood. Then, Erik Erikson in the 1960s
nificant new features of contemporary society. Not and Daniel Levinson in the 1970s developed
only are we living longer, but also the large cohort frameworks that describe life cycle stages and
of post- World War II baby boomers is now enter- accompanying developmental tasks that occur
ing middle age. Their faces are everywhere, from throughout life. Both of these theorists suggest that
television advertisements to the President of the the developmental tasks of midlife must include an
United States. They have higher expectations of attentiveness to developing meaning and purpose
their own productivity and expect more of their in one's life, which Erikson calls "generativity"
middle years than previous midlifers. Intact midlife (Julian, McKenry. & McKelvey. 1992). Therefore.
households have the highest mean income of any it is not coincidental that the concept of reassess-
age group (McCullough & Rutenberg. 1989). and ment permeates the family tasks of the midlife/
services are popping up continually to address this launching stage. A key impetus for this reassess-
huge market, which has not yet even peaked. The ment is the realization that time is running out.
impact of the aging of America is related to and As Bernice Neugarten (1968) notes, individuals at
THE LAUNCHING PHASE OF THE LIFE CYCLE 289
midlife begin to measure their position in the life to have greater acceptance of adult children con-
cycle in terms of time left to live rather than time tinuing to reside in the home than German families
since birth. With this new perspective, priorities do. Greek families may have a greater adherence to
change. People may choose to no longer put aspi- the traditional value of women not seeking employ-
rations and dreams on hold. The loss of some ment out of the home than Jewish families do. Poor
hopes and plans may also need to be mourned. African American families, which place a high
However, as will be seen throughout this chapter, value on interconnectedness between family mem-
people tend to experience midlife not as an end, bers, may never actually have an "empty nest," as
but as a time of great potential. elderly family members are likely to be active
members of their expanding households and family
systems (McGoldrick, Giordano, & Pearce, 1996).
The Impact of Class and Culture
These intergenerationally transmitted influences
Although many people consider the stage of mid- contribute to the family's ease or difficulty in mov-
life to be the prime of life (Gallagher, 1 993; Mitch- ing through this phase.
ell & Helson, 1990). this rosy picture applies
mainly to the middle and upper socioeconomic
classes. For the less economically secure, the out- GENDER ISSUES: MEN AND WOMEN
look is very different. The lower socioeconomic AT MIDLIFE
classes can anticipate decreasing job opportuni-
Baby Boomer Values
ties, especially with the massive downsizings and
closings of industrial sites in the last decade and Although every generation must go through ap-
the increasingly technological work environment. proximately the same life cycle transitions and ac-
Furthermore, working-class and poor women typ- complish the same tasks, each cohort brings its
ically anticipate being both homemakers and em- own unique historical experience. Those who are
ployees throughout their adult lives, working in jobs now entering midlife are baby boomers. This is the
that may not be particularly fulfilling (Bergquist et generation born just after World War II and raised
al., 1993). Working-class men. who often depend on in the 1950s and 1960s with traditional values and
physical strength for their jobs, may be considered gender role expectations, namely, to be hetero-
middle aged in their thirties, and with their poor ac- sexual, find a spouse, marry early, and, if female,
cess to health care, they may not expect to live be- stay home. Male entitlement strongly permeated
yond retirement. This is particularly true of African their socialization. Then, in 1963, Betty Friedan
American men, who have high mortality rates due published The Feminine Mystique, and the baby
to heart disease. For these men and women, having boomers, then in their midteens, were introduced to
little economic autonomy, the midlife tasks of re- the sexual revolution. They became the generation
evaluating the life course and developing new plans that transitioned between postwar traditional values
and dreams are not realistic. In fact, it has been sug- and the changing social climate that followed. Many
gested that the very idea of a midlife crisis is a cul- baby boomers, especially the women, responded to
tural construct that is relevant only to the middle the new prescription for social change. For the first
and upper classes (Gallagher. 1993). time in great numbers, women attended college, en-
Cultural and ethnic identification is another tered the full-time workforce, and got divorced in
consideration in understanding the way families great numbers. Although they attempted to create
approach the tasks of the midlife stage. For exam- more egalitarian marriages, they still struggled
ple, in Anglo American or Polish families, children with two conflicting sets of values, and even the
are expected to establish their independence with most "liberated" couples tended to revert to tradi-
less parental assistance or involvement than is seen tional marriages after their children were born.
in Italian or Brazilian families. Dutch families tend Nonetheless, the values of individual entitlement.
290 CHAPTER 17
self-fulfillment, and gender equality oriented this growth. Women describe themselves as feeling
group to the massive social changes of the last quar- more assertive, confident, energetic, and sexually
ter century, and these values continue to be relevant freer. Margaret Mead dubbed this phenomenon
as they face the challenges and demands of midlife. "postmenopausal zest.'* which she defined as "that
However, some baby boomers entered adulthood creativity and energy released when we no longer
with traditional values still intact. For them, the need to care for children" (Apter, 1995, p. 201).
tasks of midlife collide with these values, and the Menopause is not credited with physically causing
dissonance of role expectations or the stress of hav- postmenopausal zest; instead, it creates the condi-
ing partially changed values creates another layer of tions for women to experience freedom and the op-
adjustment as women and men redefine their roles portunity for change.
at midlife with each other, within the family, and in
society (Carter & Peters, 1996).
The Male Midlife Crisis
Unlike women, whose postlaunch wake-up call

Middle- Aged Women: Postmenopausal Zest
leads to an energized zest for life, men*s experience
According to the popular depiction in the mass of mortality is a lengthy, internal process. By age
media, the physical changes associated with meno- 40, men begin to experience a gradual series of
pause are unbearably uncomfortable, and the loss of physical changes that do not really bring them much
fertility is thought to trigger a preoccupation with below their maximal level of functioning; however,
mortality that may lead to depression. Actually, al- these changes are significant enough to notice, such
though women do experience changes and may feel as baldness, paunchiness, and wrinkles. Levinson
a sense of discomfort and/or loss, the most com- (1978) theorizes that every man must grieve and ac-
monly expressed feeling about the cessation of cept the symbolic death of the youthful hero in him-
menstruation is relief (Shapiro. 1996). Current re- self and then work through a process of reevaluation
search indicates that most women anticipate and and reassessment, which Levinson views as a nor-
welcome the arrival of menopause and find the tran- mative task for all men in their forties. However,
sition uneventful (Mitchell & Helson, 1990). Ninety according to the popular conceptualization of the
percent of menopausal women report no significant midlife crisis, this process of reassessment is trau-
changes in anger, anxiety, depression, or self-con- matic. The stereotype suggests that men, feeling
sciousness related to menopause (Gallagher. 1993). that they have squandered their dreams and have
In fact, fewer menopausal women are depressed nothing to live for, suddenly quit their jobs, dash out
than women with young children (Apter, 1995). of their marriages, and begin a spending spree on
Nonetheless. 75 percent of menopausal women do high-ticket items to bolster their self-esteem. Again,
notice some physical changes related to menopausal research indicates that the overwhelming majority
hormonal shifts, such as hot flashes, vaginal dry- of men accomplish the developmental tasks of re-
ness, weight gain, increased vulnerability to os- evaluation and regrouping through a long, intro-
teoporosis, and changes in cognitive processing spective process rather than an acute acting-out
(Leiblum. 1990: Warga, 1997). These women may crisis. Although they will be making adjustments in
findhormone replacement therapy helpful. While their relationships and in their worklives. relatively
hormone replacement therapy is now the focus of few men experience the process as catastrophic
considerable media coverage, women are advised to (Gallagher, 1993).
consult their physicians to assess the risk factors of
using or not using the treatment.
Men and Women Out of Sync
Contrary to the negative stereotype of meno-
pause as a time of constriction, many women actu- It is clear that the actual experience of men and
ally experience it as a catalyst for change and women as they pass through midlife rums several
THK LAUNCHING PHASE OF THE LIFE CYCLE 291
stereotypes on their heads. It also leads to an inter- they may have previously suppressed. They tend to
esting conclusion: Men and women become decid- become less competitive and aggressive and more
edly out of sync as they pass through midlife. willing to listen and learn (Better Carter, personal
Women get energized before the launching phase, communication, January, 1998).
generally around the age of 40. They begin by an- Thus, during midlife, men and women are
ticipating their children's leaving the home several moving past each other in different directions and at
years before the children actually leave — often fu- As women develop autonomy and
different paces.
eled by the tumult of the teenage years. During this move toward outside commitments, men want more
anticipatory period, women begin to envision new time for leisure and/or travel and expect their wives
plans for themselves. By the time their children are to be free to join them (Carter & Peters, 1996).
being launched, women feel that there is a big These gender contradictions are often confusing
world outside waiting for them. They are excitedly and unsettling to the partners and may lead to signif-
going back to school, beginning new jobs, or re- icant shifts in the marriage, including a redefinition
turning to full-time employment. By their fifties, of what constitutes a good husband or wife. As
midlife women are well on their way in their new women become more independent, there may be a
or resumed jobs, careers, or personal pursuits. change in the balance of power in the marriage and
Meanwhile, during the decade of their forties, a renegotiation of marital expectations, plans, and
usually while their children are still in the home, dreams — or the viability of the marriage itself.
men begin a very gradual process of reevaluation.

This process may be prompted by their noticing
Launching Children: What It Feels Like
changes in their marriages as their wives begin look-
ing outside the home for their new focus. However, All in all. launching children is a very individual ex-
men still remain focused primarily on their careers. perience for both mothers and fathers. Some women
Feeling that they have a last chance for success, they cry for a week or two; some are surprised by how
may actually develop a greater investment in work. quickly they adjust. Some women feel worse with
It is not until later in midlife, some time in their fif- the departure of the first child: some, with the last.
ties, that they begin to think differently about the They may feel that the house is too quiet, especially
meaning of work in their lives. Slowly, they become if they are single parents. There may be mixed feel-
more introspective as they seriously reassess their ings of happiness and sorrow at the loss of active
lives. For some, this process is triggered by gradual parenting. But what most mothers have in common
physical signs of the aging process. For others, a is that after a short time, they may feel relieved, re-
specific incident — a promotion or failure at work, a vitalized, and ready for their own launching. Men
retirement package, a personal or family illness, or also feel the loss, especially if they have missed
death —may be the catalyst. Some may react to a much of the child-rearing because of their earlier fo-
feeling of being abandoned by their wives, or they cus on work. Now, as their children are leaving, fa-
may feel regret for not having spent more time with thers are beginning to be ready to spend less time at
their children. Whatever the impetus, men begin to work and more time with their families. Thus, men
explore their inner selves, seeking greater meaning may actually find their adjustment to the launching
in life. However, it is usually not until the latter half experience more problematic than women do. since
of the launching stage, some time in their mid- to men often find themselves without either their
late fifties or perhaps early sixties, that men become wives or children at home when they want them.
noticeably less focused on work. They are finally
willing to slow down and accept their current level
Gail (age 49), a single parent, entered treatment
of achievement at work, even if this level does not when her only child, Dana (age 1 8j, left for college.
match their early dreams. They experience an in- Gail could not get through a day without repeated
creased awareness of relationships and interests that bouts of crying. She initially used treatment to
292 CHAPTER 17
mourn the loss of her early pictures of what her life model. Although stress in the home is reduced as
would be like when Dana was launched images — each child leaves, the full beneficial effect of the
that did not match her current financially constrained launching process occurs only after the last child
single life-style. Gail was also assisted in maintain-
moves out (Shapiro, 1996).
ing appropriate parental contact with Dana without
What are the reasons for this boost in marital
drawing her daughter in as a confidante or caretaker.
happiness at the launching stage? The removal of
Recognizing that the loss of the full-time parenting
stress and the simplification of household routines
role is particularly stressful for single women, Gail
agreed to utilize her support system by reaching out are certainly key factors. Partners are no longer so
to close family members and friends. Together, they focused on their children and can think more about
planned a "mother's liberation ritual" to mark this and spend more energy on their marriages; and with
life cycle passage. Like many women. Gail was the awareness that time is moving on, partners
adept at relationship skills, and she responded well expect more from their relationships. At the same
to this intervention. She also found keeping a journal time, women's new outward focus takes some of the
to be a useful tool for identifying neglected and new pressure off marriage as the primary source of grat-
interests, not to be used as time fillers but as expres-
ification after the children leave. Then, too, midlife
sions of her own authentic self, which she now had
partners have been together for many years and have
the freedom to explore.
developed the relationship skills with which they
weathered the stressful child-raising years. Finally,
the very nature of marriage tends to change during

MIDLIFE MARRIAGES
midlife. Relationships are increasingly character-
Research has presented two contradictory facts ized by friendship, companionship, equality, toler-
about midlife marriages: ( 1 ) Midlife is the period ance, and shared interests (Dowling, 1996).
of the peak of marital happiness (White & Ed- White and Edwards (1993) identify two qual-
wards, 1993), and (2) midlife is the period during ifiers to the positive correlation between launching
which two out of the three most dramatic divorce children and marital happiness. First, it appears
peaks of the life cycle occur (Shapiro, 1996). A that the timing of the launch is critical. When chil-
number of interrelated factors account for the find- dren leave too early or too late, parents tend to
ings of both high marital happiness and high di- remain child focused, question their parental effec-
vorce rates at midlife, including launching children, tiveness, and do not experience that marital boost.
women going into the workplace, and men's in- Second, parents need to stay closely connected to
creased introspection and reassessment process. their children to experience the improvement in
However, of all the factors related to the status of well-being. Without frequent telephone or personal
midlife marriages, the launching of children is the contact, parents tend to feel that their parenting
single most significant one. role has ended, and they actually report feeling
worse than they did when the children were home.
Marital Happiness at Its Peak These two qualifying conditions usually indicate
that other transitions were not adequately resolved
Studies of the impact of launching children leave
and are resurfacing during the launching phase.
no doubt that launching children is good for mar-
Often, marital issues and conflicts are buried dur-
riages and good for the partners' general feeling of
ing the tumult of the child-rearing years and are re-
well-being. In fact, the presence of children in the
visited after the children leave.
home has not been found to correlate with marital
happiness in any age group (White & Edwards,
Midlife Sexual Love
1993). Therefore, marital happiness is described as
having a first peak after the marriage, dropping off Midlife presents men and women with physical
during the child-rearing phase, and peaking again changes that will require adjustments in their sex-
in the launching stage, producing a U-shaped ual lives. Beginning some time in their fifties and
continuing into their sixties, men's sexual re- after twenty-five to twenty-eight years (Shapiro.
sponses gradually slow down. The\ experience de- 1996). According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the
creased frequencx and intensity of orgasm, less number of Americans who divorced between the
ease in achieving erection, and a longer refractory ages of 40 and 54 in 1995 represents almost ^per-
period. The men's reactions to these changes decent of the population, up 1 1 percent from a decade
pend on their self-esteem and how well the) can ago (Rubin, 1997). In the 1950s, only 4 percent of
acknowledge their emerging need for tenderness. divorces involved marriages of more than fifteen
Women may notice physical changes in their sex- years. In the 1980s, the divorce rate for this group
ual responses somewhat earlier in the life cycle rose to 25 percent. This represents a very large
than men. perhaps as early as 35. or w ith the onset group of unmarried people. In 1970, there were 1.5
of menopause, which generally occurs during million people in the United States who were di-
Changes in sexual
the mid-forties to mid-fifties. vorced and not remarried. In 1 99 1 the number had
.
functioning during menopause may include de- risen to 6.1 million (Dowling, 1996). However, de-
creased vaginal lubrication, painful intercourse, spite the high divorce rate, it is important to bear in
and changes in the appearance of the genitalia mind that 75 percent of midlifers are still in mar-
(Leiblum. 1990). ried or partnered relationships (Gallagher. 1993).
The bodies of both partners are showing obvi-
ous signs of age. Fortunately, because of the devel- Why After All Those Years?
opmental and logistical shifts of this period, the
Sometimes the empty nest does not lead to the so-
partners are well-equipped to make the necessary
lidification of the marriage or to the acceptance
adjustments. First, the children are launched. With
of a familiar relationship. After many years of not
the children out of the home, both partners, espe-
dealing with differences, but instead burying feel-
cially the woman, feel less inhibited and preoccu-
ings or distancing from each other or turning else-
pied, and they may become more responsive and
where, some couples realize that what is empty is
passionate. The cessation of menstruation also has
the marriage. Some marriages simply cannot sur-
a disinhibiting effect. Men's increased expressive-
vive without the children present. Some couples
ness and vulnerability and women's greater will-
hold onto their children to retain them as buffers:
ingness to express their needs further contribute to
others decide to divorce. Two significant factors
this positive outcome. Interestingly, midlifers tend
contribute to the timing of these midlife divorces.
to still perceive their bodies as more youthful than
First, there is a change in the structure of the family
they are. so they are not significantly inhibited by
and a freedom that comes with the end of the day-
the physical signs of aging bodies Bergquist et ( al.,
to-day responsibility for children. The couple has a
1993). Also, after so many years together, most
newly available ration of time, finances, and emo-
partners find that they are more patient with and
tional focus, which provides the opportunity and
tolerant of each other Apter. 1995).
( They also may
resources for change. Second, one or both of the
bring a more mature sense of self to their sex lives,
spouses is motivated to seek a divorce by the
which can enhance their sexual potential (Schn-
unpleasant prospect of being left alone with a
arch. 1997).
stranger or an adversary for the remainder of life.
Both of these factors are magnified by the realiza-

MIDLIFE DIVORCES tion that time is running out.
Interestingly. 85 percent of divorces are initi-
The High Divorce Rate at Midlife
ated by women (Apter. 1995). Because women to-
While divorce is increasingly prevalent in all age day are better educated than they were in the past,
groups, the increase is particularly noticeable in they are more marketable for employment. Some-
midlife: One dramatic divorce peak occurs after times, as women begin to experience their inde-
fifteen to eighteen years of marriage and another pendence and develop their competence, they are
294 CHAPTER 17
less willing to remain in a relationship that they that period, in addition to couples work, each part-
recognize as dead. The sense of empowerment that ner was individually coached to strengthen their
comes with making the decision to end an unsatis- own support systems and to identify and pursue
fying relationship helps to enhance women's self-

their individual interests and needs. Despite this
work, Ed and Tina remained disconnected. After
confidence and their capacity for assertiveness.
five months, Ed disclosed that he was involved in a
Though some women may be terrified of being
longstanding affair. With what she described as re-
alone and of handling finances, the emotion that
most often accompanies the decision to divorce is
lief, Tina stated that she had had enough —The mar-
riage was over. Both Tina and Ed agreed to remain
relief (Apter, 1995). Despite their fears, women in treatment for three months to handle the separa-
rarely regret their decision to divorce (Dowling, tion process as constructively as possible. They
1996). were given the names of local divorce mediators so
When women turn outward, men take notice. that the separation and divorce process would be
They may experience a sense of confusion, vulner- collaborative rather than adversarial. Individual
ability, and abandonment. Some men, as they go therapeutic work with Tina focused primarily on her
through the midlife process of reassessment, de- learning to manage her finances, while work with
Ed primarily addressed developing plans to main-
velop a renewed appreciation of their marital rela-
tain contact with his children. Tina returned to treat-
tionship, or at least they decide that remaining in
ment several months later to address the feelings of
the marriage is preferable to leaving, while some
loss and failure that followed the initial sense of re-
men respond to the questioning of an unhappy lief and hopeful expectation.
marriage by seeking a new, exciting romance. This
decision may be fueled by their developing aware-
Women on Their Own
ness of mortality and a desire for that last chance
for happiness. However, a decision to end a long There is no question about it —although men have
marriage is usually a protracted and painful one. higher incomes and greater opportunity to find
People who are now at midlife were socialized in a new mates, women do better on their own. As
time when divorce was less prevalent, and they are Terri Apter notes, "Whereas divorcing women are
likely to experience their divorces as personal fail- likely to discover their capacity for independence,
ures. This is especially true for women, as women divorcing men are likely to discover their depen-
tend to assume that it is their responsibility to make dence." (1995, p. 178) Divorced men have three
relationships work. times the mortality rate of married men and are
more prone to stress-related alcoholism and sui-
After twenty-five years of marriage, Tina (age

cide. By contrast, women tend to experience a
47) and Ed (age 49) launched their second child wide range of psychological growth after divorce,
from the home. Tina had returned to graduate including an increase in such qualities as self-es-
school two years before this event and was deeply teem, assertiveness, and humor (Dowling, 1996).
absorbed in her studies, while Ed was focused on This is not to say that divorce is not a crisis; it is al-
his legal career. Despite these distractions. Tina ways a series of crises and disillusionments. There
found the silence between them to be a painful in-
is usually an initial confusion, a feeling of "not
dicator of their long-term estrangement. She told
knowing who I am" or of no longer being part of a
Ed that if they did not enter marital therapy, she did
family or part of a couple. But women recover
not want to remain in the marriage. Ed then agreed
more quickly than men and are more likely to
to enter treatment. After completing the initial as-
use the experience as a jump start for personal
sessment, the couple's therapist suggested a nine-
growth, especially when they are the initiators of
month plan: Both Tina and Ed would agree to put
their maximum effort into being the best partners the divorce.
they could be for the next nine months; after that, One of the reasons that midlife women do so
they would reevaluate their relationship. During much better after divorce is that they have more
friends and close family ties. With their larger their divorce. This may be a realistic concern, as
support systems, the) are not as lonely as they had most women's standard of living goes down after
feared they would be. They are also not as frantic divorce, while that of their ex-husbands goes up.
as men to enter new relationships, although the Therefore, the authors suggest that dealing respon-
prospect of dating after so many coupled years sibly with money, especially making long-term fi-
can be as frightening as it is exciting. However, nancial plans, is the "final frontier" of women's
since midlife women have a more limited dating independence (p. 265).
pool than midlife men. their potential for remar-

riage is dramatically lower. Therefore, it is func-
tional that women tend to develop what Apter MIDLIFERS AT WORK
(1995) calls "a growing understanding that love is
Women Finding Meaning at Work
not a woman's whole existence, but an important
part of a different whole" (p. 244). Women learn Current midlife women were socialized to expect
to challenge the assumption that they can be that family life would be a higher priority than
happy only by having a man, being married, and work. Nonetheless, changing social forces have
being a mother. However, this role shift is made led women into the workforce, so by age 50, over
more difficult by the fact that our society is orga- 67 percent of women are employed outside the
nized around the status of couplehood. so much so home (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1996). As they
that many singles complain of a feeling of invisi- launch their children, women increasingly say that
bility. At first, women who have remained close to their career is what gives them a sense of meaning
home tend to feel self-conscious eating alone in and pleasure (McCullough & Rutenberg, 1989),
restaurants and are reluctant to travel alone: how- and this is not just true for professional women
ever, once they have experienced going off on (Anderson & Stewart. 1991). Women who reenter
their own. most find independence to be enriching the work force as their children begin to move out
and enjoyable (Anderson & Stewart, 1991). More may initially just want to fill a void or address a fi-
problematic is the difficulty in finding ways to nancial need. However, they soon begin to change
manage their need for physical affection and sex- their perceptions and to see themselves as women
ual gratification and the profound sense of depri- with talents and opportunities, rather than as moth-
vation they feel. This is one of the postdivorce ers without children at home. They also shift their
losses that women talk about frequently with view of work from just providing financial security
friends and in therapy. Some women pursue op- to being a source of autonomy and independence.
portunities to meet eligible men, some engage in Work also provides midlife women with a new
recreational sex, and some find gratification sense of community, and especially if they are sin-
through masturbation. However, for many midlife gle, work may become the center of their social
single women, there is a grudging acceptance that lives (Bergquist et al., 1993; Hochschild, 1997).
they do not have a sexual partner now, and this re- Furthermore, McQuaide (1998) identified a num-
ality may not change in the future. Therapists can ber of factors which contribute to the well-being
provide useful support in helping women process of midlife women that are related to their working
this loss, while at the same cautioning them outside the home. These factors include an income
against using rebound relationships or hasty re- above $30,000, a sense of effectance, and high
marriages as a solution to this problem. self-esteem.
In their book Flying Solo, Anderson and
Stewart ( 1991 ) state that the tasks midlife women
are least prepared to master are those related to the
Sexual and Age Discrimination at Work
ultimate indicator of power: money. Many women This positive picture of midlife women at work is
say that they are terrified to spend money after clouded by the endurance of sexual discrimination
296 CHAPTER 17
in the workplace. Women were not a presence in tral factor to their happiness (Julian et al., 1992).
the workforce until the 1960s and 1970s. During However, work remains important, and it is not un-
that time, the salaries of women stabilized at rates til they approach 60 that they realistically assess
much lower than those of men's salaries. From what they have accomplished in their careers. As
1960 to 1979, the median earnings of women part of this reevaluation, men often decide that the
working full-time stabilized at approximately 59 price of their occupational success was too high.
percent of the earnings of men (Bergquist et al., However, this does not necessarily mean that they
1993). Then, from 1979 to 1993, women's median willingly initiate a process of relinquishing or re-
earnings rose from 62 percent to 77 percent of ducing the power and money that accompany their
men's (Lewin, 1997). However, a troubling new success. In a study of 4,000 male executives, 68
study indicates that after twenty years of a steadily percent admitted they had neglected their families
narrowing wage gap, it is now widening again: The for their careers, and 50 percent said that they
median earnings are now just under 75 percent of would have done it differently (Bergquist et al.,
men's (Lewin, 1997). Women also continue to be 1993). When this realization occurs, it is usually
underrepresented in power positions. For example, hypothetical, but may become very functional
it
only 2 percent of chief executive officers of major for the many men who lose their jobs when
midlife
corporations and fewer than 10 percent of corpo- companies reorganize. Some men report that the
rate board members are women (Bergquist et al.. experience of being downsized pushed them into
1993). Furthermore, as midlife women enter the developing more balanced and fulfilling lives
workforce and attempt to develop their careers by (Bergquist et al., 1993; Carter & Peters, 1996).
changing jobs, they find that age discrimination
limits their ability to be hired or to move into new
Regrouping after the Pink Slip
positions (Pogrebin, 1996). Thus, women remain
about ten years behind their male cohorts in job de- The numerous reorganizations in the corporate
velopment (Ackerman. 1990). This is indicative of world have significantly affected midlife men and
the double discrimination that mature women women through early retirement packages and lay-
face: first for being women and second for aging. offs. These job terminations may result in an initial
Youthful appearance is not just about looks; it is sense of betrayal, disillusionment, and confusion,
about power. And when it comes to youth and especially for men who had viewed themselves as
power, there is a gender gap. While midlife women good company men and fear that they may now be
experience a sense of invisibility as they show unemployable because of their age, type of expe-
signs of aging, men are considered to have charac- rience, and high salary level. For women, the
ter or wisdom. Nonetheless, some positive changes restructurings may mean that the middle manage-
are occurring. Corporations are making accommo- ment jobs that they had hoped to find have disap-
dations to women who took the "mommy track." peared. For many men and women, the response to
Corporate women who chose flexible work ar- these challenges is a mobilization of their resilien-
rangements to raise their children are able to get cies and resources. For some, this may mean re-
back on track and are accepted by co-workers training or additional education, especially in the
when they return to full-time employment (Sha- increasingly technological marketplace, and op-
piro, 1996). portunities to meet new people and gain new per-
spectives and skills. For others, this may be an
opportunity to start their own business. Entrepre-
Men Reassessing Priorities
neurship is a major phenomenon of the 1 990s. with
Men in their forties are still strongly career fo- women-owned business representing the fastest
cused, but by their early to mid-fifties, some men growing segment of the economy (Bergquist et al.,
begin to reprioritize marital satisfaction as a cen- 1993). For those who remain employed, benefits
such as medical plans, vested retirement plans, or group of adults caught in this competition of roles
profit-sharing plans provide the "golden hand- is called the "sandwich generation." Typically, the
cuffs" that keep people employed at jobs that may caregivers are midlife daughters and daughters-in-
be less than satisfying. This has particular signifi- law, not sons. Women provide the day-to-day care
cance for midlifers because the economic reality, for their aging parents and sometimes their in-
especialh for single women, is that the) ma\ be law s. w bile their husbands and brothers provide fi-
working past the age of 7 ().

Even among married nancial support and supers ise property and other
women, economic pressures mas lead to a length- assets. It is not that men do not care, but the tasks
ening of the period of employment Indeed, a new of caregiving have traditionally been distributed
studs indicates a shift in gender patterns of older differentially between the sexes.
married midlifers in the workplace. While the per- Fortunately, this system overload occurs when
centage o[ working married men age 55-64 has adults are at their peak of competence, control, and
declined in the last fifteen years, the percentage of ability to handle stress (Gallagher, 1993). If the
working married women in that age range has family views caregiving as normal rather than bur-
sharply increased. The studs suggests that women. densome, the phase will be less stressful. These
who lack the Social Security credits or pension caregiving expectations are strongly influenced by
savings of men their age. are continuing in the ethnic values. For example. Latino. Asian Ameri-
workforce after their husbands retire to secure can, African American, and Native American fam-
their economic survival (L'chitelle. 1997). The ilies tend to normalize the caregiving role, while
stress of adjusting to changes in work status fre- and Czech families are less likely to do so.
Irish
quently motivates individuals and families to seek Anglo Americans, who value independence and
clinical assistance. In addition to attending to prac- self-sufficiency to the extreme, tend to find provi-
tical matters, such as budgetary concerns and reas- sion of care to the elderly particularly problematic
signment of household chores, clients will need to for both generations (McGoldrick et al.. 1996).
address maintaining their support systems and re- However, even in families in which caregiving is
assessing the meaning of productivity at this stage culturally supported, women caregivers are at high
in their lives. risk for stress-related illnesses and are sometimes
called the hidden patients in the health care sys-
tem. Greene ( 1991 ) has identified the following is-
REDEFINING FAMILY RFLATIONSHIPS sues for midlife caregivers:

AT MIDLIFE
• A shift in intimacy: Caregivers become aware
The Sandwich Generation
of personal details, and that breaks down gen-
Contrary to the image of aging parents being erational boundaries.
packed off home, most elderly peo-
to the nursing • A shift in power and responsibility: Caregivers.
ple are healthy enough and financially stable who now give rather than receive nurturance
enough to live independently throughout their and advice, feel like parents to their parents.
lives. Most of those who develop infirmities or ill- • Financial harden: The financial demands of
ness are cared for by their children. Because peo- caring for parents occurs around the same
ple are living longer, the period of providing care time midlife women are launching children,
for aging parents has moved from the forties to the starting new careers, and/or going to school.
fifties. Also, because child-bearing has been de- • Role competition: Caregivers may also be
layed and children are older when they leave mothers, partners, employees, homemakers.
home, midlifers may be caring simultaneously for and/or students.
aging parents and young adults —
and perhaps for • Emotional ambivalence: Caregivers feel an-
returning children and grandchildren as well. The ger and embarrassment about providing their
298 CHAPTER 17
parents with intimate physical care, but also coached to call her younger sister and brother to
guilt and responsibility. As a result, they may express her need for them to assume a more equi-
have difficulty setting limits on their level of table role in caring for their mother. With some
prodding, both siblings agreed to increase their
participation.
visits and phone contacts with their mother. Meryl
• Confrontation with one's own aging and
was also coached to begin setting limits on her un-
mortality.
conditional availability to her mother. These in-
As a result of these pressures and the potential terventions began to challenge Meryl's previously
for burnout, caregivers may need assistance with unquestioned assumption that she alone was re-
sponsible for the smooth running of the family.

identifying their own needs and setting appropriate
limits. This is particularly true for single midlife
Just as midlifers have the opportunity to rede-
women, who are the most isolated but who are as-
fine their relationships with their parents, they may
sumed to be free of other responsibilities and are
also feel able to establish a more comfortable rela-
the most overwhelmed. The more resilient caregiv-
tionship with in-laws if they are not caught up in
ers are able to view this period as an opportunity to
old conflicts with them. With their recognition of
resolve old issues with parents that have persisted
their own mortality, midlifers may now see them-
through previous life cycle phases. For those who
selves as peers with in-laws. Feeling on a more
had managed their intergenerational issues as they
equal footing, midlifers' constraints of surface po-
occurred and moved more smoothly through ear-
liteness or resentment may drop away, and they are
lier life cycle transitions, the postlaunch phase
better able to express their own wishes.
provides an opportunity for both generations to
continue to adjust their relationship in ways that
are mutually satisfying. The Death of Parents
Meryl (age 48) and Steve (age 50) called for an ap- Dealing with the death of parents is now consid-
pointment in response to Meryl's complaint of de- ered a normative task of midlife. However, norma-
pression. At intake, it was apparent that Meryl was tive does not mean easy. The death of a parent at
worn out. According to the couple, her main
any time is a major loss, but at midlife, there are
problem was the pressure of visiting her widowed
special developmental tasks that are related to, and
mother five times a week, doing all the shopping
and household chores, and chauffeuring her
may have an impact on, the resolution of their
mother to her medical and other appointments.

grief. As described by Scharlach and Fredricksen
Meryl had not complained until the previous fall, (1993), these tasks include the following:
when the couple's youngest child. Amy (age 18),
had gone off to college. At that point, Meryl's
• Acceptance of one 's own mortality: This is
resentment spilled over, and she complained that seen as the critical task of this life cycle phase.
Steve was not supportive. Steve stated that he held Midlifers are aware that they are now the
up his end by being the family's sole wage earner, executive generation and can no longer look
and now he was doubly burdened by bills for to their parents for guidance. They may be-
Amy's tuition and for his mother-in-law's home come more attentive to their own health, draft
health aide. Upon further probing, it became ap- their wills and make their own funeral ar-
parent that Meryl's sense of isolation was a long-
rangements. Along with freedom from child
standing marital issue that had surfaced with such
care, this awareness of mortality is a prime
urgency only when their daughter was no longer in
trigger for the life reassessment process.
the home. The first phase of treatment addressed
the couple's presenting problem: Meryl's urgent
• Redefinition of family roles and responsibili-
sense of burden, burnout, and isolation. As a typi- ties: Midlifers are now the heads of the family.
cal oldest daughter. Meryl had assumed the over- The role of maintaining family contacts, con-
responsible role in her family of origin. She was tinuing family rituals and values, and guiding
the next generation now Tails to them. This close friends (Shapiro, 1996), especially after the
redefinition also includes attending to unre- children marry and have children of their own.
solved issues w nil siblings w uhout the impetus More and more frequently, young adult chil-
of the older generation to prod them. dren, especially sons, remain home or return home
• Change in self-perception: Midlifers who ex- after a brief period on their own. This may be due
perience the death of a parent may become to financial concerns, lengthened years of educa-
more self-reliant and autonomous, while at tion, delayed marriage plans, or marital breakups.
thesame time more responsible toward others. The phenomenon of adult children, and perhaps
This flowering of autonomy and emotional grandchildren, residing at home is most likely to
connectedness is viewed as an indicator of occur under three conditions: if the parent-child re-
midlife maturity. lationship has been positive, if the family has pos-
itive attitudes about continuing to provide children
Unresolved grief following the death of a par- with support, and if the family is "intact," rather
ent is usually related to longstanding unresolved than being a step-family or a single-parent house-
issues, such as feelings of dependency, criticism, hold. Another factor that encourages adult children
guilt, or ambivalence. The experience of death and to reside with parents is the tendency of couples in
mourning rituals may provide an opportunity to re- unhappy marriages to triangulate their children
address these issues, even after the parent's death. and hang onto them as a source of emotional sup-
As with all unresolved issues, if they are not ad- port or as a means of maintaining equilibrium in
dressed now, they will find ways of resurfacing the home. Additionally, parents may want to main-
later in life. tain an immature adult child in their home because
of their concern about that adult child's ability to
function independently (Aquilino, 1991 ).
Redefining Relationships with Adult Children

Parents, especially middle-class parents, an-
and Boomerang Kids
ticipate the freedom that comes after children
It is one thing to have children move out of the leave. Therefore, having adult children in the home
home. It is another to view them as adults and produces stress. This is related partly to the frustra-
them accordingly, and still another for
relate to tion of their expectations, but also to the fact that
young adults to see their parents as people with the household is simply more complicated with
a history, life, and concerns of their own. Fortu- children present. However, the crucial factor in the
nately, parents and children tend to stay closely parents' response is the way in which they inter-
connected after launching, often speaking several pret the children's presence. Parents view the
; times a week (White & Edwards. 1993). This vali- situation more negatively if their children are un-
j
dates the parental role and makes the launch less employed or move back after a marital breakup
j
wrenching. If they see that their children are be- than if the children remain home while working or
coming more and more independent in their new going to school or if they never had been married.
roles as young adults both inside and outside the The more autonomous and less dependent their
family, parents feel that their job was well done and children are, the better the parents feel about hav-
are able to relinquish some of their parental over- ing adult children in the home. Here again, class
sight. If the young adults are not harboring major and ethnicity influence the family's responses. For
unresolved issues, then parents and children are example, because of their beliefs about adult de-
increasingly able to interact on an adult, mutually velopment, upper-middle-class parents may find
supportive basis. In fact, parent-child relationships their children's presence worrisome (Aquilino.
have been found to become more affectionate and 1991). By contrast, poor or working-class African
close after the children leave home (Troll, 1994), American midlifers are more accepting of the tra-
and parents often come to view their children as dition, born of necessity, of having their adult
—
300 CHAPTER 17
children reside in their homes and/or assuming the parents, the blending of thetwo families will be
role of parenting their grandchildren (McGoldrick more problematic. Conflicts may develop around
etal., 1996). such issues as holiday plans or acceptable terms of
Redefining parent-child relationships as adult- address. Parents may feel unwanted and attempt to
to-adult personal relationships does not happen au- be either overinvolved or underinvolved with the
tomatically when grown children leave home, or young couple or, in extreme cases, cut them off. In
even when they marry and have children. It is quite general, these difficulties are actually displace-
common for unresolved emotional issues or differ- ments for unresolved family issues that are reen-
ences in the wish for close involvement to create acted through the children's marriage. Because
situations of polite, dutiful distance instead of a women are typically assigned the role of being re-
warm and eager sharing of lives between genera- sponsible for the family's emotional life, the most
tions. Resolving old issues is the central emotional difficult of these problems usually involve the
task of the younger generation, but parents can women in the family: sisters-in-law, mothers with
help or hinder the process. Their shift from hands- their sons or daughters, and mothers-in-law with
on direction of adolescents to on-call consultant to daughters-in-law. Betty Carter and Joan Peters
young adults may not be easy. Some parents also (1996) note that the target of mother-in-law jokes
find it difficult to be more open and personal with is invariably the husband's mother. In this drama,
"children" whom they have always shielded from the son is caught in the middle as family history is
"adult" problems. For specific interventions in repeated. Carter and Peters advise that the players
helping either generation change their relationship who are responsible for handling the problem be
at this juncture, see Chapter 26 on coaching. the family members, not the in-laws.
Joan (age 54) and Frank (age 55) prided them-

Accepting the Expansion of Family through
selves on their close Italian Catholic family and
Marriage and Grandchildren were disappointed when their son Perry (age 24)
While midlife is a period of family contraction be- married Kathy (age 24), a German Methodist.
cause of the launching of children and the illness Nonetheless, Joan continued her daily calls to
Perry and still prepared large Sunday dinners,
or death of aged parents, it is also a time of expan-
which the new couple increasingly began to miss.
sion and regeneration through marriage and the
A crisis occurred when Perry spent Thanksgiving
birth of grandchildren. Families must change their
and then Christmas Eve with his wife's family.
usual relationships with their grown children and Joan reacted angrily with Perry. Their distress and
also learn to incorporate their children's new bewilderment about the ensuing estrangement led
spouses and their families. Although some fami- Joan and Frank to seek therapy. At intake, it was
lies experience antagonism with in-laws, parents apparent that Joan's intensity was balanced by
often form close relationships with sons-in-laws Frank's affable distancing. Their traditional roles
and/or daughters-in-law (Bergquist et al., 1993). homemaker and wage earner had worked well —
This process is facilitated if children have chosen when the children were home, especially since
Joan's overresponsible parental role was culturally
spouses who are compatible with their parents'
sanctioned. After first normalizing their dilemma
ethnic, class, and religious values or, alternately, if
in the context of their life cycle stage and ethnic
the family is flexible and open to differences. Fam-
expectations, the therapist challenged the couple to
ily of origin traditions and beliefs regarding the
refocus on their marital relationship (a normative
appropriate degree of inclusion of in-laws also midlife task) and suggested that they get "remar-
govern the melding process. On the other hand, if
ried." They were coached to begin dating and
the choice of a marriage partner is seen as a reac- eventually to invite Perry and Kathy out on a dou-
tive challenge to the parents or if the spouse is se- They were cautioned to avoid making de-
ble date.
lected as a way for the child to distance from the mands on the younger couple or to refer to past
disappointments. Joan was also encouraged to re- sister, either the oldest or the closest, will assume
examine her expectation of daily contact with her the role alone if a family therapist has not been in-
son and her lack of acknowledgment of his married volved to help the sister get support from her sib-
status. This proved to be extremely challenging for lings. After a parent's death, the primary caregiver
Joan until Frank recalled his feeling of being dis-
may feel resentment with her siblings for their lesser
counted by Joan's mother when he and Joan were
involvement. As part of the grief process, siblings
newlyweds.
should be encouraged to address this issue and find
One of the supreme rewards of midlife is

a way to adequately express their appreciation to
the caregiver. Failure to do so may lead to a disrup-

grandparenthood. Grandparents say that the plea-
sure of seeing their own children parent the next
tion of relations. There also may be other issues
Family that have been chronic sources of conflict through

generation is a joy that defies description.
other life phases. After the parents' deaths, if there
identity is solidified as the family reenacts mean-
and ceremonies. Grandpar- is no outside help, siblings may distance them-
ingful life cycle rituals
ents have an opportunity to revisit and perhaps selves or cut off rather than work at resolving these
conflicts. If the discord persists, the siblings risk
redo their experience as parents without the day-
to-day responsibility of child care. On the other
losing a significant source of practical and emo-
hand, Bergquist et al. (1993) have identified the tional support that they may need in later life.
following potential problems of grandparenthood:
FRIENDSHIPS AT MIDLIFE
• If grandparents are divorced, conflict may arise
around who gets invited to parties or, if they are Friendships take on new importance at midlife.
remarried, who are the "real grandparents." During the child-raising years, friendships were
• If adult children divorce, custody agreements often diluted by the omnipresence of children at
may need to include grandparents' visitation most social gatherings, but at midlife, they matter
rights. This may be a potentially critical issue again in a profound and personal way. Midlifers
if the relationship between the two adult gen- are reinventing themselves. Their families look
erations, especially with the in-laws, has not different. They may be suddenly single. For all the
been good. special concerns of midlife, long-term friends are
• If the adult children are incapacitated by drug there to provide a sense of belonging and continu-
abuse or illness, grandparents may be re- ity, while new friends are needed to address new
cruited to raise their grandchildren. interests and realities. With their heightened aware-
ness of life's fragility, midlifers consciously value
and appreciate their friends.
Relations with Siblings and Other Kin
For single women in particular, friends are
The sibling relationship is the family relationship needed to provide a sense of connection and com-
of longest duration — longer than with parents, munity. Just after divorce or widowhood, women
spouses, or children. While levels of closeness tend to turn to their married friends. This soon
vary at different periods, the sibling relationship shifts, and single women find that they need to de-
tends to be sustained throughout life. Despite dis- velop a network of single friends. Developing this
tances or differences, siblings often come together network requires exploring new depths of self-
to share holidays and special occasions. Midlife confidence and assertiveness, but the effort pays
siblings draw together as aunts and uncles, parents, off. Friends function almost like a new extended
and grandparents become ill and die, leaving them family that provides resources, support, and oppor-
to assume their place as the older generation. They tunities for developing purpose and meaning in life
also face the stressor of distributing the tasks of through connection. The connection between fe-
providing care to their aging parents. Typically, a male friendships and the well-being of midlife
302 CHAPTER 17
women has been supported by research (McQuaide. contact with his daughter Emily (age 28), who was
1998). Therefore, clinicians should offer treatment away at graduate school. John was cautioned to
to midlife women that helps them enhance their so- take care not to attempt to put his children in a
caretaking role, but rather to reconnect around his
cial networks.
desire to know more about their lives, interests,
For men. forming or maintaining friendships
and memories.
may be a new experience, since they were not so-
cialized to develop relationship skills, and their
wives had performed that role during earlier life

GAYS AND LESBIANS AT MIDLIFE
stages. Now, more important than ever for men
it is
to take responsibility for the work of maintaining re- The tasks of midlife are egalitarian. Gays and les-
lationships, including friendships. However, men's bians, bisexuals, and heterosexuals are all chal-
friendships continue to conform to the cultural lenged by the same developmental and life cycle
norms of "masculinity," which prescribes superfi- issues. However, gays and lesbians have unique
cial and competitive connections, rather than the midlife concerns that require special attention, some
more intimate, disclosing friendships of women of which are addressed below. A full discussion of
(Julian et al., 1992). Friendships do become more a family life cycle model for gays and lesbians can
important to men at midlife, especially if they are be found in Chapter 20.

divorced or widowed; however, true to their up-
bringing, which emphasized financial and work
Midlife Gay and Lesbian Parents
success, men still tend to rely primarily on the
close partnership of a one-to-one relationship with There has always been a minority of gays and
a woman, who is expected to make it work out. lesbians — often an invisible minority —who have
The emotional isolation of men at this stage of life parented and launched children. There is no single
should be treated by therapists as a serious crisis route to this role. Sometimes when heterosexual
waiting to happen. A good place to help men start couples divorce, one of the partners identifies him
to learn how to maintain relationships is to coach or herself as homosexual. Other gays and lesbians
them on relating to their grown children. become parents after coming out by using alterna-
tive means of insemination, surrogacy, sexual inter-
When John (age 55) was told by his wife that she
course, or adoption. Gay males who are parents
was leaving him. he moved into a condo and began
overwhelmingly became fathers during an earlier
dating, but he still felt unremittingly lonely. At the
heterosexual marriage, while deciding to become
urging of his sister. John entered therapy. His lack
of relationship skills was indicated by his humor-
parents after coming out is primarily a lesbian phe-
ous yet poignant expression of surprise at his nomenon and has been called the "lesbian baby
wife's decision to end the marriage: "I didn't know boom" (Patterson. 1996).
we were unhappy until she told me!" An explora- Gays and lesbians who leave marriages at
tion of his support system revealed superficial re- midlife are influenced by the same life reevalua-
lationships with his children and friends. John tion process experienced by midlife heterosexuals
reported that he had not yet disclosed to his closest w ho decide to divorce, including the sense of time
friends at work that he was living on his own. His
running out and the postlaunch boost. The timing
difficulty with emotional closeness was normal-
of their decision to leave their marriages and begin
ized in the context of the socialization of men in
living openly as homosexuals is also frequently
our culture. The therapist suggested to John that
due to the sensitivity of these parents to their chil-
before he could develop a truly intimate relation-
ship with awoman, he must first learn to connect dren's needs. Most children of homosexuals are
with family members. The therapist began by nonreactive about their parents' sexuality until
coaching him to schedule dinners w ith his son Dan they reach adolescence. At that time, because of
(age 31), who lived locally, and to maintain phone their own developmental issues, some adolescents
may experience anger and embarrassment at hav- moving closer to her daughter, as that relationship
ing a parent who is "different" and stigmatized. was most important to her. When her level of com-
fort was clearly established, Cheryl was assisted in
Therefore, many gay parents wait to come out until
preparing to disclose her relationship to her hus-
their children reach young adulthood, with the ex-
band and daughter through extensive use of role
pectation that their children will then be more able
play.
to accept their sexual orientation. Parents may also
delay their decision to live openly as gays or lesbi- The process of simultaneously launching chil-
ans because of the ongoing homophobia of the dren, divorcing, and coming out complicates three
court system and the possibility of losing visitation processes that are already major life transitions
rights with their children during divorce proceed- when experienced separately. Each of these transi-
ings (Bigner, 1996). tions requires major role shifts and life-style
changes, with feelings that range from liberation to

Cheryl (age 46) had been married for eighteen loss. Furthermore, gay parents and their children
years to Stan (age 49), a successful businessman,
are engaged concurrently in the processes of indi-
and their daughter Jill (age 17) was starting to plan
viduation and the development of new adult identi-
for college. Cheryl had given up a teaching career
ties. However, for the parents, there is an additional
to be a stay-at-home mom and was involved in sev-
issue of developmental lag. Bigner (1996) notes
eral volunteer activities in her upper-middle-class
community. Before her marriage, she had experi-

that gay men who come out at midlife are off-time
enced romantic feelings for women but never acted in terms of their development of a stable, positive
on them. When she married Stan, she immersed homosexual identity compared with gays who
herself in her roles as wife and mother and put come out earlier in life. These men may prema-
those feelings out of mind. Then, after fifteen turely seek to replicate the exclusive, committed re-
years of marriage, she met Elaine (age 42) at a ten- lationship model of heterosexual marriages, which
nis game and felt drawn to her. The two women de- may complicate their integration into gay culture.
veloped a close friendship and eventually became
romantically involved. Because of Stan's frequent
business trips, Cheryl was able to keep the rela- Aging Bodies and Confronting Mortality
tionship a secret. As devoted as she came to feel to
Coming to terms with aging is a key developmen-
Elaine. Cheryl felt equally committed to her fam-
tal task of midlife. Among gay men, concern
ily's stability and could not leave her marriage.
about body image is particularly strong, as they
Feeling tom between two lives and becoming in-
creasingly depressed about her struggle to main-

fear that signs of aging will mean that they are less
tain the pretense of stability, Cheryl entered therapy. sexually desirable. The critical midlife task of
Cheryl stated that she had no intention of leaving accepting one's own mortality is also drastically
her family, but she needed help with her depres- heightened among gay men. A large proportion of
sion. Treatment initially addressed the stress of men living with HIV/AIDS are now in midlife;
managing the logistics of her situation. As Cheryl some of these men have been HIV-positive for ten
felt more relaxed about talking about her dilemma, years or more. In addition to their acute personal
her therapist helped her look at her own homopho- awareness of mortality, gay men have buried and
bia — at stereotypical images she held of gay peo-
grieved for numerous friends and partners. There-
ple, her early concepts of homosexuality, and her
fore, rather than just beginning to confront mortal-
family's attitudes. Cheryl was then able to identify
ity at midlife as heterosexuals typically do, gay
her own sense of shame that added to her need to
maintain the secret. Cheryl was then encouraged to men have been living with a heightened awareness
look at her social network to identify those friends of death on a daily basis for many years.
who would accept her as a gay woman. She was Midlife lesbians are more tolerant of the body
coached to firm up those relationships and then to changes that come with age than midlife gay men.
slowly share her dilemma. She was also assisted in Women in general tend to focus more on the
304 CHAPTER !7
emotional than the physical aspects of intimacy. today's younger generation and may not have felt
Therefore, with two women in a relationship, the able to disclose their sexual orientation or their
partners are much less prone to equate desirability partnerships to family members: or if they did dis-
and beauty with youth, thinness, or any of the other close, they may have been rejected or kept at a
usual male criteria of female beauty (Cole & Roth- distance. Therefore, friends are overwhelmingly
blum. 1990). However, women in lesbian partner- important sources of support and come to serve as
ships may find the transition of menopause to be more accepting quasi-families. These "families of
more problematic than heterosexual women do. choice" may include homosexual friends, hetero-
Human sexuality researcher Sandra Leiblum sexual friends, co-workers, children from former
(1990) suggests that the couple's adjustment to the marriages, and selected family members. As gays
menopause
physical and psychological effects of and lesbians age, especially those without chil-
may be exacerbated by their experiencing meno- dren, the expectation is that they will be turning
pause together, as both women's sexual interest to members of their families of choice to care for
and performance may same time.

decline at the them in sickness or old age (Tully, 1989).
Furthermore, lesbian partners undergoing meno-
pause at the same time may respond more acutely
SUMMARY
to their mutual cessation of fertility if they were
prevented from having children because of their Midlife, the longest phase of the life cycle, is a time
lack of access, as lesbians, to donor insemination of major family restructuring. The family shrinks
or adoption options. In this case, the association when children are launched from the home or when
between menopause and loss will be compounded parents of midlifers are lost through the death. Ad-
for lesbian partners (Slater. 1995). Nonetheless, it ditionally, many families experience loss through
has also been reported that lesbian women com- midlife divorce or the death of a spouse. Women
plain much less of menopausal symptoms than do also "leave" voluntarily by joining the workforce or
heterosexual women (Pogrebin, 1996). other outside involvement, while midlife men may
As with midlife heterosexual couples, midlife suddenly experience the loss of employment if their
gays and lesbians are more companionable and company is restructured. On the other hand, the
less passionate. At this stage of life, both gays and family expands through the marriage of adult chil-
lesbians report that while they remain sexually ac- dren and the birth of grandchildren. Families may
tive, sex does not have the urgency it did in their also expand when launched children return home,
youth. This is particularly true of lesbians, who are some with their own children, or if aged parents
typically less sexually active (though not less af- join the household. Any one of these events is a
fectionate or expressive) than either gay male or stress point that might motivate families to seek a
heterosexual couples (Green, Bettinger, & Zacks, family therapist for help.
1996: Leiblum, 1990). However, while sex may be With or without treatment, families will need
less frequent, gays and lesbians report sex to be to adjust to the realignments and redefinitions of
more satisfying in midlife (McWhirter & Matti- roles that result from these restructurings. While
son. 1984: Tully. 1989). Johnson and Keren (1996) women typically lead the way toward change, men
note that gay couples are much less likely than het- frequently join the process by being jolted into an
erosexual couples to view infrequent sex with their awareness that they are at risk of losing relation-
partners as an indicator of a relationship problem. ships they had taken for granted. Making a deci-
sion about working on or ending unsatisfying
relationships or reconnecting with estranged fam-
Support Systems
ily members becomes more urgent when an indi-
Gays and lesbians who are now in midlife were vidual is aware of being closer to death than birth.
raised in an even more homophobic society than Accomplishing these shifts requires midlifers to
reexamine and alter the rigid role definitions that fore, they may be more accessible to clinical inter-
have defined their relationships during the child- vention than at earlier stages in their life cycle.
rearing years. Admittedly, this is a tough job in a Thus, rather than being a time of winding down,
culture that still supports traditional gender roles, midlife is a long life cycle stage that can be a fertile
but midlifers know that it is "now or never." There- time for new options, growth, and change.
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Quarterly 14, 513-530. politan Books.
Anderson, C. M, & Stewart, S.. with Dimidjian, S. Johnson, T. W., & Keren, M. S. (1996). Creating and
(1991). Flying solo. New York: W.W. Norton. maintaining boundaries in male couples. In J.
Apter, T. (1995). Secret patlis: Women in the new midlife. Laird and R.-J. Green (Eds.), Lesbians and gays
New York: W.W. Norton. in couples and families: A handbook for ther-
Aquilino, W. S. (1991). Predicting parents' experience apists, (pp. 231-250). San Francisco: Jossey-
with coresident adult children. Journal of Family Is- Bass.
sues, 12, 323-342. Julian, T., McKenry, P. C, & McKelvey, M. (1992).
Bergquist, W. H., Greenberg, E. M., & Klaum, G. A. Components of a man's well-being at midlife. Men-
(1993). In our fifties: Voices of men and women tal Health Nursing, 13, 285-298.
reinventing their lives. San Francisco: Jossey- Leiblum, S. (1990). Sexuality and the midlife woman.
Bass. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 14, 495-508.
Bigner, J. (1996). Working with gay fathers: Develop- Levinson, D. J. (1978). The seasons of a man 's life. New
mental, postdivorce parenting, and therapeutic is- York: Ballantine Books.
sues. In J. Laird and R.-J. Green (Eds.), Lesbians Lewin, T. (1997, September 15). Women losing ground
and gays in couples and families: A handbook for to men in widening income difference. New York
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Bass. McCullough. P. G., & Rutenberg, S. K. (1989). Launch-
Carter, B., & Peters, J. K. (1996). Love, honor and ne- ing children and moving on. In B. Carter & M.
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Women Quarterly, 14, 509-512. (1996). Ethnicity and family therapy. New York:
Dowling. C. (1996). Red hot mamas: Coming into our The Guilford Press.
own at fifty. New York: Bantam Books. McQuaide, S. (1998). Women at midlife. Social Work,
Friedan. B. (1963). The feminine mystique. New York: 43,21-31.
W.W. Norton. McWhirter, D. P., & Maattison, A. M. (1984). The male
Gallagher,W. (1993, May). Midlife myths. The Atlantic couple: How relationships develop. Englewood
Monthly, 551-568. Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Green, R.-J., Bettinger, M., & Zacks, E. (1996). Are les- Mitchell, V, & Helson, R. (1990). Women's prime of
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gaged? Questioning gender straitjackets. In J. Laird 74,451-470.
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306 CHAPTER 17
In J. Laird and R.-J. Green (Eds.). Lesbians and Troll (Eds.). Women growing older, (pp. 169-201 ).
gays in couples and families: A liandbookfor ther- Thousand Oaks. CA: Sage.
apists, (pp. 420-437). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. TuUy, C. T. (1989). Caregiving: What do midlife lesbi-
Pogrebin, L. C. (1996). Getting over getting older. New ans view as important? Journal of Gay and Les-
York: Berkley Books. bian Psychotherapy, 1, 87-103.
Rubin. N. (1997. December 7). In middle age and sud- Uchitelle, L. (1997. December 14). She's wound up in
denly single. New York Times, Westchester Re- her career, but he's ready to wind down. New York
gional Section, pp. 1. 8. Times, Section 3. pp. 1.13.
Scharlach. A. E., & Fredricksen. K. (1993). Reactions to U.S. Bureau of the Census. (1996). Statistical abstract of
the death of a parent during midlife. Omega, 27, the United States. Washington, DC: U.S. Govern-
307-319. ment Printing Office.
Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate marriage. Family Ther- Warga. C. L. (1997. August 30). Estrogen and the brain.
apy Networker, 21, 42-49. New York Magazine, 26-3 1
Shapiro. P. G. ( 1996). My turn: Women's search for self White. L.. & Edwards. J. N. (1993). Emptying the nest
after children leave. Princeton, NJ: Peterson's. and parental well-being: An analysis of national
Slater. S. ( 1995). The lesbian family life cyle. New York: panel data. American Sociological Review, 55,
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Troll. L. (1994). Family connectedness of old women:
Attachments in later life. In B. F. Turner & L. E.
Chapter 18
FAMILIES IN LATER LIFE

CHALLENGES AND OPPORTUNITIES
FROMA WALSH
For age is opportunity no less

than youth itself, though in another dress,
and as the evening twilight fades away
the sky is filled with stars invisible by day.
— Longfellow
The major demographic changes over the coming percent of our population by the year 2000, up
decades concern the aging of societies worldwide. from 8 percent in 1950. By 2040, over one in five
What passes unnoticed is that families are aging as Americans will be over 65 (one in four people in
well, as they are also becoming more diverse. This most of the Western world). With medical ad-
chapter examines the emerging challenges and op- vances and healthier life-styles, a growing number
portunities for families in later life associated with of people are living into their 80s, 90s, and even
retirement and financial security; grandparent- past 100. Later life is being redefined in terms of
hood: chronic illness and caregiving; and death, the "young old," persons age 65 to 85 who are
loss, and widowhood. Clinical guidelines are of- mostly healthy and vibrant, and the "old old" or
fered to encourage the many possibilities for per- "fourth age" of elders over 85, the fastest-growing
sonal and relational resilience and growth and for segment of older people and the group most vul-
meaningful connection, reconciliation, and trans- nerable to serious illness and disability.
|
formation of intergenerational relationships.
i
The Varying and Extended

THE GRAYING OF THE FAMILY Family Life Cycle Course
Declining birth rates, health care advances, and in- As is becom-

societies age, the family life course
creasing longevity are contributing to the rise in ing ever more lengthened and varied (Hareven,
the number and proportion of elderly people in the 1996; Walsh, 1993). Four- and five-generation
United States, as in other parts of the world (Kau- families add complexity in balancing members'
sler, 1996). Family networks are becoming smaller needs and family resources. With fewer young
and top-heavy, with more older than younger fam- people to support the growing number of elders,
ilymembers. Life expectancy has increased from threats to Social Security and health care benefits
47 years in 1900 to over 76 at present. The baby will likely fuel greater insecurity and intergenera-
boom generation, now entering its fifties, will soon tional tensions. More "young old" people at retire-
swell the over-65 population to record levels: 13 ment age, with diminishing resources, are involved
307
308 CHAPTER 18
in caring for their elderly parents. At the same Aging gay men and lesbian women meet
time, the trend toward having few or no children needs for meaning and intimacy in varied ways
will leave elders with fewer intergenerational con- (Berger, 1996; Reid, 1995), with developmental
nections. The declining proportion of younger challenges strongly influenced by their present life
people and increasing workforce involvement of circumstances and social environment (Cohler,
women exacerbate family strain in providing fi- Hostetler, & Boxer, 1998). In the context of the
nancial and caretaking support. New technologies current HIV/AIDS epidemic, many experience
prolonging life and the dying process pose unprec- their life course as doubly out of time from the so-
edented family challenges. With impersonal, in- cial norm (Hagestaad, 1996): Not only do they
adequate health care systems and the loss of confront mortality and loss earlier than most oth-
community in our society, the family is more im- ers, but also it is difficult to plan for an uncertain
portant than ever in providing not only caregiving, future. Concerns of middle and later life tend to be
but also a sense of worth, lasting emotional ties, compressed in a present focus, with a foreshort-
and human dignity at life's end. ened sense of time (Borden, 1992).
Pathways through later life are increasingly To be responsive to the growing diversity in
varied. Our aging population is becoming more society, our view of "family" must be expanded to
racially and ethnically diverse (Johnson & Barer, the lengthened and varied course of the life cycle
1990). Changes in family life-styles also present and therapeutic objectives must fit the challenges
new challenges with aging. The growing number and preferences that make each individual and
of single older adults (Anderson & Stewart, 1994) family unique. We will need to learn how to help
and couples who are unmarried or without children family members live successfully in complex and
forge a variety of significant kin and friendship changing relationship systems, buffer stressful
bonds. With greater life expectancy, couples may transitions, and make the most of their later life
have thirty to forty years ahead after launching
children; increasing numbers are celebrating fifty
and sixty years of marriage. Although nearly 50
Ageism and Gerophobia
percent of marriages end in divorce, remarriage is
becoming the most common family form. Two or As a society, we are not readily confronting the
three marriages over a long lifetime, along with pe- challenges of later life or seeing the opportunities
riods of cohabitation and single living, are likely to that can come with maturity. Our gerophobic cul-
become increasingly common, creating enlarged ture holds a fearful, pessimistic view of aging as
and complicated family networks in later life. As decay. The trajectory theory of human develop-
Margaret Mead ( 1972) noted, it's difficult for one ment depicts an upswing during the early years,
relationship to meet the changing developmental with gains in competency and achievements. Ag-
priorities of both partners over a lengthened life- ing is seen as unmitigated deterioration, decline,
time. In view of these challenges, perhaps it's re- and loss, until the downslope ends in death. The
markable that over 50 percent of couples do not elderly have been stereotyped as old-fashioned,
divorce. rigid, senile, boring, useless, and burdensome. In a
The family and social time clocks associated culture that glorifies youth, we cling to it, strive to
with aging are also becoming more fluid. As many recapture it, and face aging with either dread or
become grandparents and great-grandparents, oth- As Letty Cottin Pogrebin (1996) observes,
denial.
ers are beginning or extending parenthood. With many people continue to think of themselves as
new fertility methods, women in middle age are "thirty-something" until they realize that's what
bearing children. Men, whose remarriages are often their children are.
to women many years younger than themselves, are The clinical literature on aging has been pre-
increasingly starting second families in later years. dominantly a discourse on illness, disability, and
i Will II s IN LATER LIFE 309
declines in functioning, neglecting the positive watched over each another and saw their differ-
changes that can occur w uh maturity. The prevail- ences as balancing each other out. They also
ing biomedical view pathologizes later life, focus- shared enjoyment in conversation and laughter.
ing on disease and treatment. The mental health When Dr. Bessie Delany, who lived to the age of
field has given scant attention to the later phases of 103. was asked how she accounted for their lon-
life other than noting that adults over age 65 are the ge\ ity. she quipped. "Honey, we never married: u e
group most vulnerable to mental illness, particu- never had husbands to worry us to death!" (Delany
larly organic brain disease and functional disorders & Delany, 1993, p. 24).
such as depression. anxiety, and paranoid states Although most older Americans and their
(Butler & Lewis. 1983). Suicide rates also rise adult children prefer to maintain separate house-
with age. the highest rate being among elderly holds, they sustain frequent contact, reciprocal
white men. A grim picture of later life is indeed emotional ties, and mutual support in a pattern
portrayed. Institutionalized forms of ageism and aptly termed "intimacy at a distance" (Blenkner.
sexism make it especially difficult for women to 1965: Spark & Brody. 1970). Research finds a
thrive and prosper. strong link between social contact, support, and
Pessimistic views of the family hold that most longevity. Elders who visit often with friends and
elders either have no families or. at best, have infre- family and maintain a thick network of diverse re-
quent, obligatory contact: that adult children don*t lationships are likely to live longer than those w ith
care about their elders and dump them in institu- few kin and social resources (Litwin. 1996). The
tions: and that families in later life are too set in their proximity of family members and contact by tele-
ways to change long-standing interaction patterns. phone are especially important to those who live
In fact, family relationships continue to be impor- alone. 80 percent of whom are more elderly
tant throughout later life for most adults (Hughson. women, typically widowed. Adult children and
Christopherson. & Bonjean. 1996). Contrary to pop- grandchildren also benefit in mam way s from fre-
ular belief and stereotype, families provide most di- quent contact and support. However, in our mobile
rect caregiving assistance, psychological support. society, uprooting for jobs or retirement can bring
and social interaction for elderly loved ones enormous strain in the ability to provide mutual
(Brody. 1985: Cohler. 1995: Sorenson. 1977: Suss- support and caregiving in times of crisis.
man. 1976). The vast majority live with spouses or Negative stereotypes of older people and their
other relatives, including children, siblings, and families have led clinicians to pessimistic assump-
aged parents. tions that they are less interesting than younger cli-
Couples who weather the storms that are inev- ents, a poor investment for therapy, and too
itable in longlasting relationships and childrearing resistant to change. Elders are most often treated
report high marital satisfaction in their postlaunch- custodially, given a pat on the hand and a medica-
ing years, as they have more time and resources for tion refill, or expected to fit into programs geared
individual and shared pursuits. In later life, needs to younger adults. Functional problems may be
for companionship and caregiving come to the discounted as merely a natural, irreversible part of
fore. Although sexual contact may be less fre- aging and deterioration. In a social context of gero-
quent, intimacy can deepen with a sense of shared phobia. it is perhaps not surprising that a recent
history and connection over time. survey of family therapy literature over the past de-
The importance of sibling relationships often cade found a paucity of journal articles on family
increases over adulthood (Cicirelli. 1995). The issues in later life and the concerns of older adult
centenarian Delany sisters, born into a southern members (Van Amburg. Barber. & Zimmerman.
African American family, pursued careers and 1996). concluding from this lack of attention that
lived together most of their lives, crediting their re- the family therapy community is still engaged in
markable resilience to their enduring bond. They "coming of age."
310 CHAPTER 18
A normal life course perspective of family de- side the home. Retirement shifted the balance as
velopment and aging is needed, emphasizing the Luis, now home all day, felt like an unwanted in-
potential for growth and meaning as much as nega- truder. Lacking job and breadwinning status as
sources of self-esteem, he felt like an unworthy ri-
tive aspects of change. The family as a system,
val to his son for his wife 's affection at a time in his
along with its elder members, confronts major ad-
life when he longed for more companionship with
aptational challenges in later life. Changes with
her. Competitive struggles fueled Luis 's drinking,
retirement, grandparenthood. illness, death, and
erupting into angry confrontations. His wife sided
widowhood alter complex relationship patterns, of-
protectively with the son.
ten requiring family support, adjustment to loss, re-
orientation, and reorganization. Many disturbances In Latino families, as in many ethnic groups,
are associated with difficulties in family adaptation. tiesbetween a mother and her children are
Yet such challenges also present opportunities for commonly stronger than the marital dyad (see
relational transformation and growth. Chapter 8). However, in this family, a pattern that
provided a workable balance over many years be-

came a dysfunctional triangle when retirement dis-
LATER-LIFE TRANSITIONS
rupted the relationship system.
AND CHALLENGES
Each family's approach to later-life challenges
Retirement
evolves from earlier family patterns. Systemic pro-
cesses that develop over the years influence the Retirement represents a significant milestone and
ability of family members to adapt to losses and adjustment for individuals and couples. For the re-
flexibly meet new demands. Certain established tiree, particularly for men in our society, there is a
patterns, once functional, may no longer fit chang- loss of meaningful job roles, status, productivity,
ing life cycle priorities and constraints. and relationships that have been central to tradi-
For most families in the dominant culture, tional male standards for identity and self-esteem
launching of children from home sets the stage for throughout adult life. Whether retirement was de-
relationships in middle and later life. With the sired or forced will affect adjustment. Loss of a
structural contraction of the family from a two- role as financial provider along with income re-
generational household to the marital dyad or sin- duction may bring significant stress. Residential
gle parent alone, parent-child relationships are re- change, a common occurrence at retirement, adds
defined and parental involvement shifts to refocus further dislocation and loss of connectedness with
on individual and couple life pursuits. Most par- nearby family, neighbors, and community. A suc-
ents adjust well to this "empty nest" transition cessful transition involves a reorientation of values
(Neugarten, 1991) and are more likely to have and goals and a redirection of energies and rela-
trouble when children return to the nest for finan- tionships (Atchley, 1992).
cial considerations. When a child has filled a void For women in the workforce, retirement can
in a marriage or a single parent's life, it can com- be a financial disaster. A recent survey (U.S. De-
plicate a family's subsequent ability to deal with partment of Labor, 1994) found that 40 percent of
later-life challenges, as in the following case: employed women over age 55 have no pension
plan and 34 percent have no health insurance. Fur-
Luis (age 66) was brought by his wife, Maria, for
thermore, divorced women may find that they have
treatment of serious alcohol abuse since his retire-
no rights to their former spouse's pension benefits
ment. Living with the couple was their 42-year-old
son Raul, who had never left home. Longstanding at his death. For such reasons, many women con-
close attachment between the mother and son had tinue working past retirement age. As our society
stabilized a chronically conflictual marriage over grapples with the coming crisis in Social Security
the years, when Luis had worked long hours out- and retirement benefits, the retirement age for
FAMILIES IN LATER LIFE 311
most workers is likely to rise from 65 to 70, which earlier child-rearing experiences. Such reminis-
will require a major shift in expectations and later- cence and new perspective can be valuable in com-
life plans. ing to accept one's life and one's parenting

In traditional marriages, couples may have satisfactions and achievements as well as any re-
difficulty with the husband's retirement, accompa- grets or failure.
nied by losses of his job-related status and social Grandparenthood is a systemic transition that
network, especially if they have repeatedly been alters intergenerational relationships (Spark. 1974).
uprooted from kin and social networks to accom- When adult children become parents, this can be
modate career moves. Another challenge involves an opportunity for reconnection and healing of old
the retired husband's incorporation inside the home, relational wounds with their parents, as they begin
with a change in role expectations, time together, to identify with the challenges inherent in parent-
and the quality of interaction (Szinovacz & Harp- ing and develop more empathy for their parents'
ster, 1994). It can be problematic if the husband positions.
tries to take over the household, making the wife Grandparents and grandchildren may enjoy a
feel displaced or under his thumb. At the other ex- special bond that is not complicated by the respon-
treme, if a retired husband feels that he has earned sibilities, obligations, and conflicts in the parent-
full leisure while his wife is expected to continue child relationship. A common saying is that grand-
to take care of the household, her resentment is parents and grandchildren get along so well be-
likely to build. For successful adaptation to retire- cause they have a common enemy. Such an alliance
ment, couples need to renegotiate their relation- can become problematic if a grandchild is triangu-
ship to achieve a new balance. With needs and lated in a conflict between parent and grandparent,
concerns shared through open communication, reas in the following case.
lational resilience is strengthened as partners pull
together to reshape their lives, plan financial secu- After the death of her father and her own divorce,
rity, and explore new interests to provide meaning Sharleen (age 32) and her son Billy (age 8) moved
and satisfaction together and on their own. in with Sharleen's mother to consolidate limited re-
sources. The family was seen in therapy when Shar-
leen complained that Billy was behaving badly and
Grandparenthood was disrespectful to her. At the first session. Billy
went to his grandmother for help in taking off his
As people live longer, increasing numbers are
boots.The grandmother quickly took over the dis-
becoming not only grandparents, but also great-
cussion while Sharleen seemed passive and help-
grandparents. The experience can hold great sig-
less. Billy, sitting between them, glanced frequently
nificance, as Margaret Mead (1972) remarked on to his grandmother for cues. Each time Sharleen
her own response to becoming a grandparent: "I and her mother started to argue. Billy drew attention
had never thought how strange it was to be in- to himself. Sharleen's attempts to quiet him were
volved at a distance in the birth of a biological ineffectual, whereas Billy responded immediately
descendant... the extraordinary sense of having to a raised eyebrow from his grandmother.
been transformed not by any act of one's own but The grandmother complained that she was over-
by the act of one's child" 302). Grandparent- burdened by having to take care of "both children."
(p.
Sharleen felt that her mother undercut her efforts to
hood can offer a new lease on life in numerous
assume more responsibility by criticizing every-
ways. First, it fulfills the wish to survive through
thing she did as '"not right." meaning not her way.
one's progeny, thereby assisting in the acceptance
We explored how the grandfather's sudden death
of mortality. As Mead (1972) experienced. "In the
from a heart attack had left the grandmother feeling
presence of grandparent and grandchild, past and devastated by the loss and uncertain how to go on
future merge in the present" (p. 311). Grandpar- with her own life. Taking charge to help her daugh-
enthood also stimulates the reliving of one's own ter raise Billy filled the void. Therapy focused first
—
312 CHAPTER 18
on family losses —both the death and the divorce those impaired are living longer with disabilities
for all three generations. Then attention was directed than ever before. Even though most elders do
to work out more balanced relationships so that maintain good health, fears of loss of physical and
Sharleen could be a more effective mother to her son
mental functioning, chronic pain, and progres-
while the grandmother's role as head of the house-
sively degenerating conditions are common pre-
hold was redefined from a position of control to hon-
occupations. Health problems and severity vary
ored-elder status. Sharleen agreed to respect her
mother's wishes about how she wanted her home
greatly. Among seniors age 65 to 84. arthritis, high
kept. Her mother agreed to respect Sharleen's ways blood pressure, and heart disease are most preva-
of child-rearing and support her parental leadership. lent. For people over 85. the risk of cancer and the
extent of disabilities increase, combined with in-
While most grandparents are relieved not to tellectual, visual, and hearing impairment. Physi-
have primary caretaking demands, expectations to cal and mental deterioration may be exacerbated
be a resource and yet not an interference can be by depression and helplessness, reverberating with
burdensome (Cherlin & Furstenberg. 1986). As the anxiety of family members.
Mead (1972) asserted, "I think we do not allow Because our society lacks a coherent approach
sufficiently for the obligation we lay on grandpar- to caring for people with disabling chronic condi-
ents to keep themselves out of the picture —not to tions, growing numbers live with deteriorated
interfere, not to spoil, not to insist, not to intrude" health and lack access to appropriate and affordable
(p. 303). When a widowed parent moves in with services. Families in poverty, largely members of
adult married children, conflicts of loyalty and pri- minorities, are most vulnerable to environmental
macy can erupt in triangles involving both partners conditions that heighten the risk of serious ill-
and the parent/in-law. nesses, permanent disabilities, and caregiver strain,
In poor and minority communities with high as well as early mortality (Lockery, 1991). Dis-
rates of early pregnancy, grandparenting typically eases such as asthma, diabetes, high blood pres-
occurs early. Grandmothers, often only in their sure, and heart disease are most prevalent among
thirties and forties, and great-grandparents provide the poor.
care for the children, particularly when single par- Family caregiving is a major concern. The in-
ents must work. While this provides a vital lifeline creasing numbers of frail elderly people over 85
for the youngsters and their parents, it often takes a pose growing demands for long-term care and fi-
toll on their own health, when combined with other nancial coverage (Baltes. 1996). By 2020. there
heavy job and family responsibilities or increasing will be twice as many elderly ( 14 million) needing
frailness (Burton & Dilworth-Anderson, 1992; de- long-term care as today. In 1970, there were
Toledo, 1995). twenty-one potential caregivers (defined as people
Foster grandparenting can enrich later life, age 50 to 64) for each person 85 or older; by 2030,
serve as a resource for single and working parents, there will be only six such potential caregivers, se-
and provide connectedness across the generations, verely straining intergenerational relations. As
especially where more informal connections are average family size decreases, fewer children are
lacking in age-segregated living arrangements. Se- available for caregiving and sibling support. With
niors can also be encouraged to volunteer in child more people marrying and having children later,
care centers. Youngsters benefit from the attention, those at midlife — the so-called sandwich genera-
companionship, and wisdom of their elders. tion — are caring simultaneously for children and
adolescents, as well as for aging parents, grandpar-
ents, and other relatives. Finances can be drained
Chronic Illness and Family Caregiving
by college expenses for children just as medical
As our society ages, the number of people with expenses for elders increase. Adult children who
chronic conditions is increasing dramatically and are past retirement and facing their own declining
health and resources must assume responsibilities Among the most difficult illnesses for families
for growing numbers of infirm parents. The likeli- to cope with are dementias, progressive brain dis-
hood of being caregivers for one or more aging orders. Alzheimer's disease, accounting for 60
family members is rapidly increasing. percent of dementias, is one of the most devastat-
Growing numbers of elders with chronic con- ing illnesses of our times. It affects one in ten peo-
ditions are receiving care at home, producing a cri- ple over 65 and nearly half of those over 85. The
sis in caregiving. Only 5 percent of the elderly are disease is often not correctly diagnosed; cognitive
maintained in institutions, yet chronic health prob- losses are erroneously assumed to be a natural part
lems require increasing hospitalizations, medical of aging. The irreversible course of the disease can
costs, and home-based care for daily functioning. last anywhere from a few years to twenty years or
Family and friends are the front lines of support. more, becoming an agonizing psychosocial and fi-
Nearly three quarters of disabled people over 65 nancial dilemma for families. Over time, Alzhei-
rely exclusively on these informal caregivers. As mer's disease strips away mental and physical ca-
the pool of caregivers diminishes, caregivers them- pacities in gradual memory loss, disorientation,
selves are badly strained by multiple pressures. impaired judgment, and finally loss of control over
Women at midlife are especially burdened, bodily functions. People with Alzheimer's may re-
as job demands are juxtaposed with expectations peatedly ask the same questions, forgetting earlier
to maintain traditional responsibilities for home- answers, or prepare a meal and forget to serve it.
making, child-rearing, and elder care. Caregiving They may get lost easily and forget where they
responsibilities have been almost exclusively the live. With impaired memory and judgment, they
domain of women, mostly daughters and daugh- may forget entirely about a boiling pot or a child
ters-in-law; three out of four primary caregivers under their care or make disastrous financial deci-
are women. Their average age is 57, but one sions. It is most painful for loved ones when they
fourth are 65 to 74. and 10 percent are over 75. As are not even recognized or are confused with oth-
women have become fuller participants in the ers, even with those long deceased.
workforce and their income essential in two-par- Since medical treatment of the illness is lim-
ent as well as single-parent families, rebalancing ited, a custodial bias has prevailed in its manage-
of work and family roles is needed. Yet few em- ment. Individuals who are kept at home on low-
ployers offer schedule flexibility or consider men dose or drug-free regimens do not show as severe
to be caregivers. decrements as those in institutions, where they
Prolonged caregiving takes a heavy toll. tend to be highly medicated and isolated from fa-
Eighty percent of caregivers provide help seven miliar people and surroundings (Zarit, Anthony, &
days a week, averaging four hours daily. In addi- Boutselis, 1987). Adult daycare can partially re-
tion to housekeeping, shopping, and meal prepara- lieve family burden. Family psychoeducation and
tion, two thirds also assist with feeding, bathing, support networks are helpful in meeting caregiving
toilet, and dressing. The lack of useful manage- challenges, coping with stress, and dealing with
ment guidelines by most medical specialists adds confusion and memory lapses. Useful illness-re-
to the confusion, frustration, and helplessness fam- lated information and management guidelines re-
ily members commonly experience. Some aspects duce the risk of caregiver depression, particularly
of chronic illness are especially disruptive for with ambiguity in the illness course (Bonjean,
families, such as sleep disturbance, incontinence, 1989; Boss, 1991 Henderson
; & Gutierrez-May ka,
delusional ideas, and aggressive behavior. One 1992; Light, 1994). Family members can be helped
symptom and consequence of family distress is el- in grieving for the loss of a loved one's family roles
der abuse, which is most likely to occur in over- and relationships.
whelmed families, stretched beyond their means In approaching all serious illness in the eld-
and tolerance. erly, clinicians and researchers need to expand the
314 CHAPTER 18
narrow focus on an individual female caregiver to nancially strapped because of the shame and stigma
encourage the involvement of all family members of dependency in our society, with its ethos of the
as a caregiving team. It is important for clinicians rugged individual. Adult children can be coached
not to assume that family distress indicates a on ways to develop a filial role (Blenkner, 1965),
family causal role in deterioration of a chronic ill- taking responsibility for what they can appropri-
ness. Family intervention priorities should include ately do for aging parents and recognizing their
(1) stress reduction; (2) information about the own constrains (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark, 1973;
medical condition, functional ability, limitations, Brody, 1974).
and prognosis; (3) concrete guidelines for sustain- If an aging parent becomes overly dependent
ing care, problem solving, and optimal function- on adult children, who become overly responsible
ing; (4) linkage to supplementary services to through anxiety or guilt, a vicious cycle may en-
support family efforts. To meet caregiving chal- sue: The more the children do for the parent, the
lenges, communities must support families through more helpless the parent may become, with esca-
a range of services, from day programs to assisted lating neediness, burden, and resentment. Ambiva-
living and commitment to full participation of el- lent overattachment and dependence are common
ders, including those with disabilities, in commu- (Kahana& Levin, 1971). Siblings may go to oppo-
nity life (Pinkston & Linsk, 1984). site extremes in meeting filial responsibilities, as
Family dynamics also require attention. For in the following case:

couples, chronic illness and disability can skew the
relationship between the impaired partner and car-
Mrs. Z., a 74-year-old widow, was hospitalized
egiving spouse over time (Rolland, 1994; see also with multiple somatic problems and secondary
Chapter 29). In some cases, a caregiving partner symptoms of disorientation and confusion. She
may overfocus on the other's disability to avoid fac- complained that her two sons. Tim (age 46) and
ing his or her own vulnerability, anxiety, or longings Roger (43) didn't care whether she lived or died.
to be taken care of. Couples therapy can help each to The sons reluctantly agreed to come in for a family
gain empathy for the other's position, address such interview. On the phone, Roger offered his belief
that his mother's hospitalization was merely a ploy

issues as guilt and blame, and rebalance their rela-
for sympathy, to make him feel guilty for not being
tionship to live and love as fully as possible.
at her beck and call as Tim was. He said that he had
Intergenerational dependency issues come to
learned years ago that the best relationship with
the fore as aging parents lose functioning and con-
her was none at all. In contrast, Tim had become
trol over their bodies and their lives. Handling in-
increasingly responsible for his mother, particu-
creased dependency of aging parents is not a larly since she had been widowed. Yet the more
parent-child role reversal as some imply. Even helpful he was, the more helpless she became in
when adult children give financial, practical, and managing her own life. He felt drained by his
emotional support to aging parents, they do not be- mother's growing neediness.
come parents to their parents. It should be kept in The overresponsible son was coached to be more
mind that despite childlike appearance or function- helpful by challenging his mother to function max-
imally rather than doing for her. The underinvolved
ing, the aged parent has had over fifty years of
son was encouraged to join his brother and to re-
adult life and experience (Spark & Brody, 1970).
lieve him of some limited, specific burdens. Both
Family therapists can open conversation about de-
sons were helped to communicate their feelings
pendency issues with sensitivity and a realistic
and concerns directly with their mother and to be
appraisal of strengths and limitations. An elderly
patient in listening to her. They were advised not to
father may be driving with seriously impaired vi- be put off if their mother initially resisted the
sion, unwilling to admit the danger or give up his changes. With anxiety in the system reduced and
autonomy to be driven by others. Older parents of- the family working together, Mrs. Z.'s thinking and
ten fail to tell their adult children that they are fi- functioning improved markedly.
Caregiving challenges can be burdensome: perienced better times with his father in earlier
yet they can become opportunities for healing years before the problem drinking. As the others
offered to support him and agreed to contribute to

strained relationships and forging new collabora-
their parents' future well-being in ways that fit their
tion as a caregiving team, building relational resil-
abilities and resources, a new solidarity was forged.
:
ience. When family conflict has been intense and

persistent, where ambivalence is strong, or when
relationships have been estranged, caregiving for The point at which failing health requires con-
aging parents is more likely to be complicated. sideration of nursing home placement is a crisis for
Life-and-death decisions become more difficult, as the whole family (Tobin & Kulys, 1981). Contrary
in the following crisis situation: to myth, placement is usually turned to only as the
last resort, when family resources are stretched to
the limit, and most often in later stages of mental
Joellen, a 38-year-old single parent, was deeply
when her father, hospitalized for long-
or physical deterioration. Nevertheless, feelings of
conflicted
term complications from chronic alcohol abuse, guilt and abandonment and notions of institution-
asked her to donate a kidney needed to save his alization can make a placement decision highly
life. She felt enraged to be asked to give up some- stressful for families, particularly for adult daugh-
thing so important when he had not been there for ters, on whom the caretaking expectations typi-
her as a father over the years. He had been a mean cally concentrate.
drunk, often absent and many times violent. She
was also angry that he had brought on his deterio-
Mrs. Arletti called for help, stating that she felt
rated condition by his drinking and had refused to
helpless to control her teenage son and feared that
heed his family's repeated pleas to stop. Further,
was organ when she

he needed to be institutionalized. A family assess-
she hesitant to give up a vital
ment revealed that the problems had developed
had to think about caring for her children and their
over the past eight months, since Mrs. Arletti's
possible future needs. Yet. a dutiful daughter and a
mother had been brought into their home. She
compassionate woman, she also felt a sense of ob-
wept as she described her mother's Parkinson's
ligation and guilt. She did not want her father to
condition and her difficult) in providing round-
die because she denied him her kidney.
the-clock attention, on top of a full-time job. She
When I suggested that Joellen talk with her
was alarmed by her mother's occasional loss of
mother about her dilemma, she learned that her fa-
balance and falling, especially since finding heron
ther had also asked her siblings for the kidney do-
the floor one morning. Her worry about institu-
nation. Estranged from them. Joellen feared that
tionalization concerned her mother: At her father's
old rivalries would be stirred up as to who would be
deathbed, a year earlier, he had asked Mrs. Arletti
seen as the good giving child or the bad selfish
to promise that she would always care for her
ones. I encouraged her to overcome her reluctance
mother. She felt alone with her dilemma, her hus-
to meet with her siblings to grapple with the di-
band preoccupied by his work.
lemma, and to persevere when the meeting proved
hard to schedule. When the siblings finally met.
they w ere surprised to learn how torn each of them This case underscores the importance of inquiry
felt. Old rivalries shifted as they began to reach out about elderly family members even when prob-
to one another. lems are presented elsewhere in the system, which
I suggested that they begin to plan together about
may express concerns of the family crisis. It's also
how they might collaborate to share the many chal-
crucial to attend to a spouse's distancing and lack
lenges likely to come up in caring for both of their
of support, in this case due to the husband's linger-
aging parents. As each envisioned taking a part of
ing guilt over having left the care of his dying
future responsibilities, the elder brother, who was
healthy and had no plans for a family of his own, mother to his sisters.
volunteered his kidney for their father. The deci- Family sessions can be helpful in assessing
sion was less conflictual for him because he had ex- needs and resources, weighing the benefits and
—
316 CHAPTER 18
costs of options, and sharing feelings and concerns distance and misunderstanding, prevent prepara-
before reaching a decision together. Often, through tory grief, and deny opportunities to say goodbyes.
discussion, new solutions emerge that can support Therapists can assist family members with feel-
community without
the elder's remaining in the ings of helplessness, anger, loss of control, or guilt
undue burden on any member. Organizations such that they could not do more. It may be easier for
as the Visiting Nurses Association can provide younger family members to accept the loss of el-
home services and inform families of community ders whose time has come, than for elders to accept
backup. Respite for caregivers is crucial to their the loss —
and their own survival of siblings or —
well-being. When placement is needed, therapists their own children who die first. The death of the
can help families to see it as the most viable way to last member of the older generation is a milestone
provide good care and help them to navigate for a family, signifying that the next generation is
through the maze of options. now the oldest and the next to face death. It is im-
We must also re-vision chronic care, which is portant, also, to address the impact of an elder's
often thought of narrowly in terms of medical ser- death on grandchildren, often their first experience
vices and nursing home placement. A report com- with death and loss.
missioned by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

(Institute for Health and Aging. 1996) takes a
Widowhood
broader view to address chronic care challenges for
the twenty-first century. The report envisions a sys- Widowhood is a highly stressful transition, with a
tem of care: a spectrum of integrated services wide diversity of responses in adaptation. Women
medical, personal, social, and rehabilitative — to as- are four times as likely as men to be widowed and
sist people with chronic conditions in living fuller are widowed at an earlier age with many years
lives. A continuum of care is needed to ensure that of life ahead. Those in traditional marriages, who
individuals receive the level and type of care that are more dependent on their husbands, begin in
fit their condition and their changing needs over midlife to anticipate the prospect of widowhood
time and to support independent living, optimal (Neugarten. 1991). Research finds that 5 percent
functioning, and well-being as long as possible. of bereaved spouses become severely depressed;
Dealing with terminal illness is perhaps the 10 to 17 percent become depressed to a clinically
family's most painful challenge, complicated by significant degree. The initial sense of loss, disori-
agonizing end-of-life decisions. The rising rate of entation, and loneliness contributes to an increase
suicide among the elderly involves not only a desire in death and suicide rates in the first two years, es-
for control over their own dying process but also is pecially for men. Social contact is often more dis-
a response to unmet needs for pain control and pal- rupted for men, since wives traditionally link their
liative care and worries about laying financial and husbands to the family and community, especially
emotional burdens on loved ones. Clinicians need after retirement. Yet the long-term hardships for
to work with families to reduce suffering and make widowed women tend to be greater, with more lim-
the best arrangements to keep the seriously ill per- ited financial resources and remarriage prospects.
son comfortable and comforted, while balancing Widows over age 75 are at highest risk of poverty;
the needs of family members. currently, over 50 percent have incomes of SI 0.000
Family adaptation to loss involves shared or less.
grieving and a reorganization of the family rela- Despite initial problems with the challenges in
tionship system (Walsh & McGoldrick, 1991; see daily living, most older surviving spouses are quite
also Chapter 11). Avoidance, silence, and secrecy resilient over time. The profound loss may even be
complicate mourning. When patient and family accompanied by positive feelings associated with
hide knowledge of a terminal illness to protect one pride in coping. Most widows view themselves as
another's feelings, communication barriers create having become more competent and independent;
only a small portion view the changes entirely neg- the relationship with adult children and their ap-
atively (Lopata. 1996). Older people are at highest proval of the union. Problems can arise when a
riskwhen adult children have moved away and child views remarriage as disloyalty to the de-
when they have lost most of their friends and sib- ceased parent. Adult children may be shocked by
lings through death or relocation. remarriage of an aged parent — especially when
The psychosocial challenges in the transition they cannot conceive of the elderly as attractive or
to widowhood involve grief over the loss and rein- sexually active —and may assume that the new
vestment in future functioning (Lieberman, 1995: spouse is interested only in money. Concerns about
Lopata. 1996). A realignment of relationships in a will may arise, particularly if children view in-
the family system also occurs (Walsh & McGold- heritance as compensation for earlier disappoint-
rick, 1991; see Chapter 11). The initial task is to ments or as evidence that they will still come
take in the fact of death, transforming shared expe- before the new partner.
riences into memories. Encouragement of expres-

sion of grief with family members and through
Cross-Generational Interplay
meaningful rituals is most helpful. Attention must
of Life Cycle Issues
also turn to the reality demands of daily function-
ing and self-support. Wherever possible, clinicians Within every family, the later-life challenges of the
and adult children should help both partners to an- elderly interact with salient concerns of children at
ticipate widowhood, preparing for the challenges their own concurrent life phases. With increasing
each would face. Many need to acquire new skills diversity in family patterns and the tendency to-
for independent living, such as managing finances, ward later marriage and child-rearing, different
returning to the job market, or arranging household pressures and conflicts may be generated. The is-
maintenance. The adjustment to being physically sues that come to the fore between an older adult
alone, in itself, may be difficult. parent and young adult child will likely differ from
Within one to two years, adjustment shifts to those that arise between a parent, a middle-aged
new activities and interest in others. The label of child, and an adolescent grandchild. Tensions are
"widow" can be harsh, defining a person in terms heightened when developmental strivings are in-
of spousal loss. This identity can interfere with the compatible, as in the following case:
process of reengaging in life. Reentry is also im-
Julia, in her mid-twenties, was beginning a social
peded by distancing of family and friends who
work career and engaged to be married when her
have not faced their grief or come to terms with
63-year-old mother, who lived 2000 miles away,
their own mortality or possibility of widowhood. developed cardiovascular disease, with a long and
Further dislocation may occur if one's home is
painful deterioration. Julia, who had always been
given up or if financial problems or illness block close to her mother, Her sense of obliga-
felt torn.
independent functioning. In such cases, widows tion was countered by reluctance to put her own
are likely to move in with adult children, siblings, new job and marriage plans on hold indefinitely.
or even very aged parents. One woman prepared The situation was complicated by Julia's recently
for the imminent loss of her husband by reassuring emerging separation and identity issues. She had
herself that she could go home to her mother. Her always been close to her mother and dependent on
mother's death shortly after the death of her hus-

her direction and support. The geographic distance
from home that she had established bolstered her
band was devastating.
self-reliance. Like many of her peers, she had ab-
Remarriage is becoming an increasingly com-
sorbed the cultural ethos confusing differentiation
mon option for older adults, although less so for
with distancing and disconnection. Now, just at the
women. Economic and legal constraints lead many time her social world pushed her to be independent
elderly couples to live together without formal and self-directed, her mother needed her most; and
marriage. Critical to the success of remarriage is Julia feared losing her.
—
318 CHAPTER 18
Phone contact became increasingly strained. sync with her age peers. Terminally ill, the mother
Julia's mother saw her failure to return home as un- needed to draw her family close and to feel that
caring and selfish. Deeply hurt, she struck back: she had successfully fulfilled her role as a mother.
"What kind of social worker can you be if you can't The young adult daughter was threatened by the
even care about your own mother?"
made a Julia
closeness and dependency at a time of impending
brief visit home, feeling guilty and upset. The un-
loss, when she was not yet secure in her own per-
certain course of the prolonged illness made it dif-
sonhood and felt her culture's pressure for auton-
ficult to know how long her mother would live or
when to plan trips. Julia sent her mother gifts. One. omy. In this case, cross-generational anniversary
picked with special care and affection, was a reactions complicated the picture as unresolved
leather-bound book for her memoirs. On her next issues from the mother's relationship with her
visit, Julia discovered the book, unopened, on a own mother were revived, adding fuel to the con-
closet shelf. Deeply hurt, she screamed at her flict, disappointment, and estrangement at life's
mother to explain. Her mother replied. "If I wrote end.
my memoirs, I'd have to write how much you've let
As Erikson (1959) noted, young adults in our
me down." Julia cut her visit short. When she re-
culture are emerging from the search for identity
turned to her own home, conflict erupted with her
into issues of commitment. The fear of ego loss in
fiance, and the wedding plans were canceled.
situations calling for self-abandon may lead to
Deeply upset by the breakup, Julia phoned her par-
Her mother expressed her own
ents for consolation.
isolation and self-absorption. This may heighten
disappointment, saying that she now had nothing to
preoccupation with making initial choices and
live for. A few hours later, she had a stroke. Julia's commitments, especially marriage, career, and res-
therapist interpreted this as her mother's narcissism idence, that define one's place in the adult world.
and manipulation. Furious, Julia did not return Responding to caregiving needs and threatened
home again before the long-anticipated call came loss of aging parents at this life stage may be
one night from her father informing her, "Mom is fraught with conflict. Clinicians need to help young
dead." adults offset the cultural push for family disconnec-
Julia scarcely grieved. She got married within
tion and prioritize relationships with their elders at
weeks to someone she hardly knew. It was not until
the end of life.
the marriage broke up that tremendous grief at the
loss of her mother surfaced, with guilt and regret

over the final alienation and the fact that it was too SUCCESSFUL AGING
late to change the past. Working w ith a family ther-
apist, she determined to learn from that experience The aging process is more variable and malleable
to repair her strained relationship with her father than was long believed (Posner, 1995). Elders can
whom she had not visited since her mother's enhance their own successful development in their
death —before it was too late. With the therapist's approach to their challenges and by making the
coaching, she also initiated new connections with most of their options. Baltes and Baltes (1990)
her mother's family, learning more about her have posited that successful aging is accomplished
mother's life and coming to understand her more
by "selective optimization with compensation" as
fully as a person. She also learned that her mother's
a means of coping with reduced functioning. They
own mother had cut her off because of disappoint-
cite the example of the pianist Arthur Rubinstein,
ment w ith her shortly before Julia's grandmother's
death. With new compassion and emotional recon-
who described how he dealt with the weaknesses
nection. Julia arranged a memorial sen ice to honor accompanying aging. First, he selectively reduced
her mother on the anniversary of her death. his repertoire, playing a smaller number of pieces.
Second, he practiced them more often (an optimiz-
The mother's developmental needs at the end ing strategy). Third, he slowed down the speed of
of life occurred "off-time" from the perspective of his playing just before the fast movements, pro-
the daughter's developmental readiness and out of ducing a contrast effect that heightened the impres-
sion of speed (a compensating strategy). By these women who were most frustrated, angry, and de-
means, he sustained a successful concert career who held on most rigidly to the
pressed were those
into old age. early roles — or had been forced to stay in or repeat
Studies of normal adult development and fam- the "cluttered nest" past its time and thereby were
ily functioning indicate that a variety of adaptive kept from moving on (p. 143). In the anthology If I
processes, rather than one single pattern, contrib- Had My Life to Live over I Would Pick More Dai-
ute to successful later-life adjustment (Bengtson, sies (Martz, 1992), women reflect on the choices
1996; Birren & Schaie, 1995; Schulz & Heck- they have made and wish to make from childhood
hausen, 1996). This diversity reflects differences to old age, their alternatives both extended and
in family structures, individual personality styles, limited by personal belief systems, ethnic and cul-
gender roles, and ethnic, social class, and larger tural identity, class and economic status, age, and
cultural influences (Gelfand. 1982; Gibson, 1982). gender. Personal choices are never simple; more
Traditional gender role distinctions of earlier often, they are complex, conflictual, and inter-
adulthood tend to shift as older men show increas- twined with the decisions of others because of their
ing passivity and accommodation in response to strong relational orientation. Friedan found that
environmental challenges and greater needs for what distinguished women who were vital was not
nurturance and affiliation, whereas older women which roles they played in earlier adulthood, but
become more assertive and active in meeting their whether or not they had developed a quest, creat-
own needs (Gutmann, 1997). The development of ing a sense of purpose and structure for making life
more androgynous modes of response, of aspects choices and decisions.

of life that were earlier constrained, can enable a In contrast to the redefinition of self that
greater role flexibility that may be related to lon- many women must move through with meno-
gevity and greater life satisfaction in old age. pause, widowhood, or divorce, most men's identi-
Likewise, successful family functioning in ties continue to be based in career and sexual
later life requires flexibility in structure, roles, and potency. As these paths to self-expression close
responses to new developmental needs and chal- off, aging men who continue to invest in these two
lenges (Caspi & Elder, 1986; Walsh, 1993). As "proofs" of masculinity experience uncertainty,
patterns that may have been functional in earlier decline, and a void. Friedan proposes that men
stages no longer fit, new options must be explored. choose meaningful work, not give up and retire as
With the loss of functioning and death of signifi- we've been taught to do. Intimacy can become
cant family members, others are called upon to as- more basic and ultimately more rewarding than
sume new roles, responsibilities, and meaning. sexual intercourse, as an emotional intercourse
that is shared in more authentic ways than in gen-
der games of youth.
Strengths That Have No Name
Heilbrun (1997) approaches maturity with
Betty Friedan"s (1993) analysis of international celebration, finding possibilities in aging for en-
studies reveals that older adults may actually inte- richment and unexpected pleasures. For her, the
grate problems at a higher level than the young, in greatest reward of parenting has been delight in her
particular attending to ethical and contextual is- fully grown progeny, considering them to be
sues. Also, the degree of mental acuity varies de- friends with an extra dimension of affection. She
pending on the environment: The more autonomy, finds it powerfully reassuring at this time to think
the more acuity. In discovering "strengths that of life, and each day, as borrowed time to be fully
have no name," from a number of studies of differ- savored. As May Sarton wrote in her essay At Sev-
ent populations. Friedan concludes that women enty, this can be the best time of life because we are
experiencing the most profound change and dis- more ourselves than ever: We have less conflict
continuity were the most vital in later life. The and are more balanced: we are better able to know
320 CHAPTER IS
and use our powers; we are surer of what counts in Spiritual faith, participation in religious ser-
life and have less self-doubt to conquer. vices or activities, and congregational support are
wellsprings sustaining resilience for most elderly
people (Walsh, 1998; in press). Medical studies
Wisdom of the Elders
suggest that faith, prayer, and spiritual rituals can
The notion that the later years may have a signifi- actually strengthen health and healing by trigger-
cance of their own is scarcely considered. In Erik- ing emotions that influence the immune and car-
son's theory of human development, old age is diovascular systems. One study of elderly patients
viewed as a critical period, during which resilient after open-heart surgery found that those who were
individuals may review earlier life experiences and able to find hope, solace, and comfort in their reli-
their meaning in the quest to achieve integration and gious outlook had a survival rate three times higher
overcoming despair at the end of life's journey. In than those who did not. What matters most is
this process, the new adaptive strength of wisdom drawing on the power of faith to give meaning to
may be gained. The task of achieving integration is precarious life challenges.

challenging, as older adults are faced by the finite- The search for identity and meaning is a life-
ness of life and knowledge of past imperfections. long process. Individuals and their families orga-
More recent extension of Erikson's work (Erikson, nize, interpret, and connect experiences in many
Erikson, & Kivnick, 1986) emphasizes the impor- ways. We must be sensitive to the culture and time
tance of vital involvement in the present for the ulti- in which individuals have lived and the contribu-
mate achievement of integration. Interviews with tion of structural sources of meaning. At the same
octogenarians revealed many pathways for integra- time, we need to recognize the diverse ways in
tion and reconciliation of earlier life issues. Some which people are influenced by common back-
look for models of aging in parents or grandparents; ground. For some, religion is salient in making
others look to friends or even media personalities. meaning of their experience; for others, it might be
Some achieve a sense of integrity from displaying ethnic heritage or the education that enabled them
such attributes as humor, compassion, continual to rise out of poverty. Many show enormous
elders
growth, and commitment. For the most resilient potential for continual self-renewal. They are vital
aged people, past traumas and inescapable missteps and potent as they create their own meanings by in-
are ultimately put into perspective. Even those who terpreting and reformulating experiences, values,
have not achieved integration are actively involved structural forces, and elements of their own partic-
in attempts to reach some resolution. A priority for ular contexts.
clinicians is to recognize the sources of meaning in
late life and understand how older adults integrate
CLINICAL CHALLENGES
the varied experiences of a lifetime into a coherent
AND OPPORTUNITIES:
sense of self and life's worth.
A RESILIENCE-BASED APPROACH
What is notable about this life stage is the
search for life's transcendent meaning. A common A resilience-based approach to practice (Walsh.
thread that emerges through the accounts of study 1996, 1998) engages elders collaboratively, af-
participants is the dynamic portrait of older people, firms their strengths and personhood, encourages
not as victims of life forces but as resilient, pos- their optimal functioning, and builds social net-
sessing the capacity to shape as well as to be work resources to support independent living to
shaped by events. Transcendence involves the the fullest extent possible. This orientation rebal-
freedom to risk, with courage, seeing aging as a ances the traditional clinical focus on patient defi-
personal and spiritual evolution and, instead of fo- cits,which too often leads professionals to
cusing on limits, seeking new horizons for learn- become unduly pessimistic,
objectify the elderly,
ing, adventure, and change. underestimate their resourcefulness, and make
plans for them, based on what professionals think apartment. At first glance, all appeared chaotic:
is best, as in the following case: piles of books, clothing, and food containers every-
where. However, a closer inspection revealed that
Rita, a 78-year-old widow, was admitted to a psy- Rita had carefully ordered her environment in a
chiatric unit with a diagnosis of confusional state system that made sense to adapt to visual impair-
and acute paranoia after an incident in which she ment. With a magic marker, she had color-coded
accused her landlord of plotting to get rid of her. food containers: clothes were arranged according
Rita's increasing blindness was making indepen- to function; books were stacked by subject. Almost
dent living more difficult and hazardous. Her blindly, she could easily locate everything she
apartment was in disarray, and she had trouble needed.
managing simple daily tasks. She was socially iso- Rita's stubborn "resistance" had been viewed as
lated, stubbornly refusing assistance from "strang- a pathological denial of dependency needs. Yet
ers." Her only surviving family member was a self-reliance had served Rita well over many years.
sister who lived in another state. The hospital staff, It was the breakdown of her primary mode of adap-
doubting that Rita could continue to function inde- tation —her vision — that brought confusion and
pendently, worked out a nursing home placement anxiety. Still, realistically. Rita would require some
for her. Rita vehemently objected, insisting that assistance to maintain independent living. Her re-
she wanted only to return to her own apartment. luctance to become dependent on caretakers made
Hospitalization was extended to "deal with her re- her reject any aid w ith one exception: She herself
sistance" to the their plan. had contacted a religious organization that sent
A family therapist's strength-based interviews Brothers to read to her whenever she called. She
with Rita led to a new appreciation of her as a per- could allow help when she took initiative and had
son and to a plan that was reached collaboratively some control in determining the nature and bound-
with her. When asked what most distressed her, Rita aries of the relationship. This positive experience
replied that it was her failing vision. Asked how she became a model for building a social resource net-
felt about living alone, she responded. "I'm not work to support Rita's objective of independent liv-
alone; I live with my books." Rita had been a ing. Her ability to take responsibility for herself
teacher, happily married, w ithout children, until her and her determination to function as autonomously
husband's death sixteen years earlier. Her beloved as possible were reinforced. She was encouraged to
father died the same year. After those painful losses, select, and initiate contact with, a few neighbors
she withdrew from family and friends, determined and shopkeepers she trusted who could provide oc-
never to become dependent on anyone again. Rita casional backup service. Setting up a routine of
centered her life on her work: she was known as a weekly phone contact with her sister became a
"tough cookie." respected by colleagues for her per- source of meaningful touchpoints for both.
severance with challenging students. Since retire-
ment, she had immersed herself in her books, which Applying the concept of resilience to the fam-
became a vital source of her resilience. They en- ily as a functional unit, a family resilience ap-
hanced her knowledge, imagination, and pleasure, proach affirms the potential in all families for
transporting her beyond her immediate circum- healing and growth, by tapping into their strengths
stances. The books held special meaning because and building resources as they confront life chal-
she had inherited many of them from her father, a lenges (Smith et al.. 1995; Walsh, 1998). Multi-
scholar. They revived her close childhood relation- generational and couple relationships in later life
ship, when he had spent countless hours reading to
encompass a variety of situations that are poten-
her. Now Rita's loss of vision was cutting her off
tially stressful and may benefit from this approach,
from her most valued connections.
as illustrated above. Given the potentially destruc-
In Rita's strong identification with her father was
an intense pride in his part-Indian heritage, earn-
tive impact of unresolved conflicts and cut-offs
ing a sense of hardiness in adversity, a toughness, (Bowen, 1978), the fallout of hurt, misunderstand-
and a will to survive and adapt. These strengths ing, anger, alienation, sense of failure, and guilt
were found in the therapist's visit with Rita to her may accompany children and grandchildren into
322 CHAPTER 18
their future relationships. Strains can be prevented be more readily owned and forgiven. Misunder-
and repaired by helping multiple family genera- standings and faulty assumptions about one an-
tions to redefine and reintegrate their roles and re- other can be clarified. Successive life phases can
lationships as they age and mature. be reviewed as relationships are brought up to date.
Family albums, scrapbooks, genealogies, reunions,
and pilgrimages can assist this work. Precious end-
Family Life Review
of-life conversations can be videotaped and pre-
I have found the application of life-review therapy served. The transmission of family history to
(Lewis & Butler, 1974) to couples and families to younger generations can be an additional bonus
be of great benefit in later life. It extends the proof such work (Myerhoff, 1992).
cess of the aging persons reminiscence, which fa-
cilitates acceptance of one's life and approaching
Looking Ahead
death, to include the perceptions and direct in-
volvement of significant family members who are Families should be encouraged to consider and
central to such resolution. Hearing and sharing the prepare together for such challenges as transi-
varied perspectives on life experiences and relational living arrangements and end-of-life deci-
tionships enlarge the family story, build mutual sions, discussions that are commonly avoided.
empathy, and can heal old wounds for all family Future-oriented questions can also open up new
members. possibilities for later life fulfillment. One son car-
ried concern about how each of his parents would
In the case of Mrs. Z. and her sons Tim and Roger
manage alone on the family farm if widowed, but
(described earlier in the chapter i. the mother and
he dreaded talking with them about their death. Fi-
sons were encouraged to share reminiscences of
nally, on a visit home, he got up his courage. First
their family life history. They were helped to ex-
he asked his mother, tentatively, whether she had
plore developmental periods of particular emotional
import, evoking crucial memories, responses, and
ever thought about what she might do if Dad were
new understanding. The brothers' longstanding ri-
the first to go. She replied. "Sure. I've thought
valry was put into perspective. Roger's cut-off be- about it for years. I know exactly what I'd do: I'd
came better understood in recalling a late adolescent sell the farm and move to Texas to be near our
conflict over autonomy that he handled by leaving grandkids." Her husband shook his head and re-
home in anger, severing contact, and vowing to replied, "Well if that isn't the darndest thing! I've
main self-sufficient. His relationship with his par- thought a lot about it too, and if your mother
ents had become frozen at that point but now could
weren't here. I'd sell the farm and move to
be brought up to the present. Mother and sons
Texas!" This conversation led the couple to sell
shared their grief at the death of the father for the
the farm and move to Texas, where they enjoyed
first time together. Most important, a healing rec-
onciliation among the surviving family members
many happy years together.
was achieved.
Making the Invisible Visible

The resolution of later-life issues rests on the
foundation of all earlier life stages. Conflicts or The invisibility of the elderly and ageism have
disappointments in earlier stages that may have re- contributed to the unresponsiveness of mental
sulted in cut-offs or frozen images and expecta- health sen ices to the needs of older adults and
tions can be reconsidered from a new vantage their families. Clinical training programs must ex-
point and from the many viewpoints of family pand from preoccupation with early developmen-
members. People in later life are often able to be tal stages and offer greater exposure to elders and
more open and honest about earlier transgressions their families. I once assigned a group of medical
or shame-laden family secrets. Past mistakes can students to interview a couple in later life about
their life course. The students looked stunned. One The complexity and diversity of family net-
acknowledged that he had never had a real conver- works in later life require careful clinical assess-
sation with an older person, including his parents. ment. Clinicians shouldn't mistakenly assume — or
This led us to a valuable discussion of age segrega- accept an older adult's initial claim — that there is
tion in our society and professional ageism stem- no family or that the family is not important in later
ming largely from avoidance of the personal life. Given the prevalent pattern of intimacy at a
reality of our own aging, losses, and death. Clini- distance, we must look beyond the sharing of a
cians need to develop awareness of our apprehen- household to identify significant relationships.
sions, a perspective on the whole life course, and Emotionally meaningful bonds with siblings, a
appreciation of what it is like to be old. daughter-in-law, a nephew, cousins, or a godchild
Developmental models for understanding can be valuable resources. The very statement that
growth and change in later life are needed, for ex- one has "no family left" may indicate continuing
ample, to include wisdom and integrative under- emotional significance of recent deaths or unre-
standing. Current theory, research, and practice are solved losses. Longstanding cut-offs may hold po-
biased to the extent that they fail to include values tential for repair. Drawing a genogram with an
and meanings that are salient to elders. Clinical elder can be particularly useful in identifying those
services must be flexible to fit the diversity of older who are significant and or could be drawn upon for
people and their significant relationships and to support.
support optimal functioning and integration in the Another problem of visibility occurs when
community. Clinicians can foster a growing sensi- younger generations present themselves or their
tivity to people who are attempting, with courage, children for treatment. Problems involving elderly
to adapt to losses and challenges of later life in family members may be hidden behind complaints
ways that fit needs for identity, connectedness, and or symptoms elsewhere in the system. Diagnostic
meaningful experience. evaluation commonly includes past family-of-
Problems involving family relationships with origin history with little or no mention of current
elderly members are often hidden. Older adults are ongoing extended family relationships or recent
more likely to present somatic problems than emo- changes that may be connected to distress. What-
tional or relational problems (Quails, 1991). In a ever the age or problem of the symptom bearer, it is
medical assessment, such functional problems as important to inquire about elder members and rela-
depression, confusion, and anxiety may not be de- tionships in the extended family.
tected or may be assumed to be merely part of old Clinicians who are trained to view families
age. Even in cases of organic disease, family rela- from a model based on early developmental stages,
tionships can exacerbate or alleviate suffering. The with family structure, roles, and functioning
stressful impact of chronic illness on the family geared to child-rearing imperatives, must be care-
also requires attention to family needs for support, ful not to transfer assumptions to families in later
information, caregiving guidelines, respite, and life. Moreover, reification of the nuclear family
linkage to community resources. Clinicians have model has pushed the extended family to the mar-
an ethical responsibility to ensure that interven- gins, much to the detriment of us all. Family as-
tions respect the developmental needs of all family sessments should explore how each family, given
members. Families are our most valuable re- its particular composition, modes of adaptation,
sources in treating serious illness. Our clinical in- and needs of its members, has responded to later-
terventions can strengthen their resilience in coping life challenges. When it has broken down, we need
with persistent stress. We must encourage their to consider the options for reorganization and
collaboration, understand their caregiving chal- transformation of relationships to fit each family
lenges, and support them in our social policies and situation. Clearly, the later-life challenges and the
provision of health care. diversity in family networks require that we de-
324 CHAPTER 18
velop new, more flexible conceptualizations and young, can be the basis for rich interchange and
approaches to understand and strengthen family planning for the future. Important in the resilience
functioning to master challenges and seize oppor- of our society is a sense of pride in age, the value of
tunities for enriched relationships. history and life experience, and the capacity to
adapt courageously to change.
More people today are living longer than at
CONCLUSION
any time in history, generating a shift in the popu-
The diversity, complexity, and importance of fam- lation that some regard as the "aging revolution."
ily relations in later life can be expected to become What will we do with this gift of long life? How
even greater in the coming years. Because more can we contribute to people's ability to live with
people are living longer than elders did in the past, vitality and meaning into advanced old age? Our
we lack role models for later-life family relations, society and all helping professionals will need to
just as we lack appropriate labels and role defini- prepare for these challenges. Clinicians' interface
tions. The term "adult children" is loaded with at- issues with our aging families —and with our own
tributions of dysfunctional childhood families. The aging and losses — may contribute to anxiety,
term "postparental" is unfortunate, as parents avoidance, overresponsibility, or empathic diffi-
never cease to be parents. Instead it is the nature of culties with elders and their adult children. As we
parent-child relationships that changes over the reach out to become better acquainted with the el-
years. We need to explore and expand possibilities ders in our own families, as we attempt to resolve
for growth in that transformation. Elders can be en- our own losses and grievances, and as we explore
couraged to draw on their rich history and experi- new relational possibilities with growing maturity,
ence to inform both continuity and innovation, as therapeutic work with families in later life will
society's futurists. The wisdom of our elders, take on new meaning and possibilities for growth.
linked with the energy and new knowledge of the
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Chapter 19
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE

OF AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILIES
LIVING IN POVERTY
PA ULETTE MOORE HINES
Well, you were born.. and though your father and mother and grand-
.
mother, looking about the streets through which they were carrying you,
staring at the walls into which they were carrying you, had every reason to
be heavy hearted, yet they were not. For here you were: Big James, named
for me — to be loved. To be loved. Baby, hard, at once, and forever, to
strengthen you against a loveless world. Remember that. I know how black
it looks today for you. It too. Yes, we were trembling.
looked bad that day
We have not stopped trembling yet. But if we had not loved each other, none
of us would have survived. And now you must survive, because we love
you, and for the sake of your children and your children 's children.
— Letter from James Baldwin to his 15-year-old nephew
James Baldwin's touching letter to his nephew equal opportunities to achieve the American
evokes the importance of our kinship network, of Dream. But the truth is this group's struggle for ba-
hope in the face of so little, of remembering our sic freedoms and opportunities has continually
history and our connectedness and our strength to been thwarted by the pernicious and pervasive ef-
survive — all that poor African American families fects of racism at every level of our society. Pov-
need so desperately in our times. Nowhere is the erty adds its own pain. Individuals who are poor
need for a life more urgent than in
cycle framework and African American (approximately 2.1 million)
work with poor African American families. No- must contend with systematic efforts to discon-
where is it more crucial that we attend to the im- nect, invalidate, and crush dreams on a daily basis.
portance of people's connections to their history, They are three times as likely as White to live in
communities, and hope for a future. poverty (31 versus 1 1.6 percent) (U.S. Census Bu-
About 13 percent of the total U.S. population reau, 1996). Racial differences are not erased with
are African American (33 million people). The increased education; Blacks are poorer than Whites
dominant discourse is that African Americans are even when they have a high school diploma or col-
responsible for their position in society and have lege degree (U.S. Census Bureau. 1996).
A growing number of family theorists, re-
The author gratefully acknowledges Monica McGoldrick for searchers, and practitioners have countered deficit-
her patience and assistance in bringing this paper to fruition.
focused perspectives about the poor and have
Recognition is also due Waymon Benton and J. C. Williams
who provided consultation and background material to support
brought much-needed attention to the strengths of
the formulation of this paper. the culture. These include Harry Aponte (1994),
327
328 CHAPTER 19
Andrew Billingsley ( 1992), Nancy Boyd-Franklin the low- wage economy in the ghetto (Wilson,
(1989), Brown and Parnell (1990), Linda Burton 1997). Jobs are no longer available for people who
(1990, 1995, 1996a, 1996b), Ken Hardy and do not have technical skills, a situation that pushes
Tracy Laszloffy (1998), Robert Hill (1972, 1993), African Americans who, in the past, were working
Hines and Boyd Franklin (1996), Lewis and at low-wage jobs or looking for work into the under-
Looney (1983), Jayne Maboubi and Ashburn class.The Urban League's hidden unemployment
Searcy, (1998), Vanessa Mahmoud (1998), Elaine index measured African American unemployment
Pinderhughes (1982, 1989, 1998), and many oth- at 23.2 percent (Jacob, 1994). In many inner-city
ers.They assert that the lives of poor African communities, fewer than one in four adults are em-
Americans can only be understood within a frame- ployed at any time (Wilson, 1997). Residential ar-
work that acknowledges the far-reaching interac- eas, particularly in urban areas, are increasingly
tive effects of African culture, slavery, racism and segregated by class and mass flight of businesses
its residuals (e.g., internalized racism), and social, and the middle class are leaving an insufficient tax
economic, and political disenfranchisement. base and lack of political power to rebuild decaying
What is essential to our efforts as therapists is physical environments. There is strong evidence
to focus on African Americans' resourcefulness that once work disappears from a community and
and ability to survive and even thrive under oppres- people grow up without even the hope of working,
sive circumstances throughout history in this coun- drug use and crime intensify dramatically, and the
try. It is a true testament to the resilience of the disorganization of the social community becomes
human spirit and nothing short of a miracle that overwhelming (Wilson, 1997).
African Americans have survived and made such These circumstances have extensive conse-
significant gains in the educational, economic, po- quences for adolescents and young adults, in par-
litical, and many other arenas (Collins, 1996; Rob- ticular, who have had little or no opportunity to
erts, 1995). Countless uncelebrated poor African develop a job history or skills. Schools remain infe-
Americans lead invisible lives distinguished by a rior and increasingly racially segregated. Far too
defiant spirit of hope, an exceptional capacity for many students are poorly prepared to compete in a
problem solving, and a commitment to transcend- society that requires ever more technical skills from
ing the odds (Hines, 1998). its workers. Nevertheless, recently passed welfare
The purpose of this chapter is to dispel the no- reform legislation requires able-bodied adults to
tion that family therapy is a futile endeavor with work for nonprofit entities to maintain their cash
poor African American families and reinforce the subsidies. Even so, assistance will be limited to five
value of working from a proactive framework that years whether or not individuals are successful in
situates families within their cultural and life cycle securing work. Meanwhile, budgets for health care,
context and links them with the rich resources of social services, and education and training are be-
their heritage. ing slashed.
The media and professional literature construct
and reinforce a negative identity for African Amer-

icans, and perpetuate the inaccurate notion that the
FACTORS INFLUENCING DIVERSITY,
poor are a homogenous population, doomed to be
FUNCTIONING, AND RESILIENCE
dysfunctional. The overfocus on negative elements
THROUGH THE LIFE CYCLE
in the lives of poor African Americans leaves many
As we approach the twenty-first century, the re- therapists feeling hopeless and frustrated. They are
emergence of conservative political agenda in the inclined to overlook the fact that the characteriza-
United States is drastically reducing the safety net tion as "poor" simply does not convey the variation
that was previously available to the poor of all back- in life that low-income individuals experience any
grounds. There is an increasing gap between the more than it does for middle- or upper-class fami-
haves and have-nots. There has been a collapse of lies. Family income does not equate with family
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE OF AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILIES LIVING IN POVERTY 329
competence. Poor families van- in structure, coping others throughout the family system. For example,
styles, and levels of resilience. Some live in single- the adolescent mother, by giving birth, is launched
members of their kin
family units; others reside with intoyoung adult status (parenthood), and her
network. Some are working poor; some are tempo- young adult mother becomes a grandmother, often
rarily unemployed. Some are downwardly mobile; being forced to assume the role responsibilities of
others are slowly improving their economic status. surrogate parent. The potential for role overload in
Some (38 percent) live in families in which the only such life cycle patterns is tremendous. The abrupt
source of income is government assistance: others assumption of new roles and responsibilities often
(25 percent) make do with what they can generate means that they have inadequate time to resolve
through their meager earnings and by exchanging their developmental tasks. Facing so many pres-
resources within their family support system ("Sta- sures, adults may be overwhelmed, inconsistent, or
tus of African- American Children under Three Liv- too busy to pay sufficient attention to their own or
ing in Poverty." 1992). their children's needs. Outcomes depend on the ex-
Numerous factors mediate the effects of ad- tent to which transitions are anticipated, the level
verse economic, environmental, and social condi- of support available from extended family, and the
tions on family functioning, including the number extent to which the development of caretakers is
of generations they have been embedded in pov- stalled (Burton, 1996a. 1996b). Families adapt bet-
erty, the level of their connection with their larger ter when there is clarity regarding the logistical,
family systems, their religiosity, and the nature of emotional, behavioral, and relational shifts that
their response to their oppression (Pinderhughes, must be made at all levels of the system to support
1982). Another variable that is hypothesized to be positive evolution of the family and its individual
of major import is level of acculturation, that is. the family members through the life cycle.
extent to which the family maintains traditional
African American practices, values, beliefs, and Female-Headed Households
preferences (Barbarin. 1993).
The percentage of African American family house-
holds headed by a married couple with children de-
clined dramatically from 59 percent to 32 percent
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE
between 1970 and 1990 (Henderson. 1994; U.S.
FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
Bureau of the Census. 1997). Some parents are
Despite their heterogeneity, African American separated or divorced, while others were never le-
families living in poverty are uniformly apt to face gally married. The trend toward motherhood with-
innumerable barriers to transcending their con- out marriage reflects not a cultural devaluation of
crete circumstances on a daily basis. Their life cy- marriage (Staples. 1985). but rather an adaptation
cle is distinguished by at least four characteristics. to circumstances that limit the availability of mates
as well as of hopes and dreams for other life possi-
Condensed Life Cycle bilities. Poor young girls may come to think of
pregnancy and motherhood as offering the hope of
Progression through the various life cycle phases is
love and increased status in their families. Most
generally more accelerated for poor African Amer-
single-parent households are female headed, but
icans than for their working- and middle-class
many share parenting functions with others in
counterparts. Individuals have children and become
their kinship network and are part of multifamily
grandparents at far earlier ages (Burton, 1996a,
residences.
1996b). When families have a condensed, overlap-
ping intergenerational structure, family roles are
Chronic Stress and Untimely Losses
chronologically and developmentally out of sync
with generational position (Burton. 1996b). Ac- Frequently embedded in large, extended family net-
celeration for one person creates acceleration for works that span the life cycle continuum. African
330 CHAPTER 19
American families living below the poverty thresh- (Mbiti, 1970). A life cycle approach counters the
old experience frequent shifts in household mem- pervasive narrow, individualist focus that charac-
bership as a result of job loss, illness, death, terizes so much of the social science literature,
imprisonment, and alcohol and drug addiction. It is promoting a deficit approach, which has amounted
not uncommon for families to move several times a to blaming the victim (Billingsley, 1968: Hill,
year, and children may experience a great many dif- 1993). For example, most discussions of teen
ferent family constellations. The contrast of living mothers and their children have focused narrowly
in a society of plenty in which they must struggle on the maternal grandmother and the young teen-
constantly to meet basic needs breeds frustration. age mother as they provide for the child. This my-
Their capacity to work around obstacles and be opic focus ignores the caregiving responsibilities
hopeful about life are stretched continuously. Or- and practices of the young father, grandfather,
dinary problems — such as transportation or a sick great-grandparents, siblings, and other kin in such
child — easily become crises because of a lack of situations. It also ignores the needs of other family
resources to solve them. Men and women, young members, such as the frail elderly, which influence
and old. may assume an outward facade of apathy the quality of life for a teenage mother and her
that is merely armor intended to protect them from child as well as others in the family (Burton, 1995).
further disappointment, pain, and degradation. Per- The family life cycle approach becomes even
sistent stress is likely to affect their spiritual as more powerful when fortified by a connection
well as their physical and emotional health. with principles of living and adaptation that have
promoted African American survival and tran-
scendance through many generations of slavery
Reliance on Institutional Supports
and oppression. A growing number of theorists/
In 1987, approximately54 percent of rural and 64 practitioners have formulated prevention and treat-
percent of urban low-income African American ment approaches based on Afrocentric values
families sought public assistance to meet their (Hines & Sutton, 1998; Phillips, 1990; Rowe &
basic needs (Jones, 1994). Stigmatization and the Grills, 1993; Nobles, 1974, 1986; Williams, 1997
need to comply with numerous regulations, which and many others). Undergirding these perspectives
barely allow them to survive, can push an already is the premise that healthy functioning of African
stressed emotional system over the edge. Mutual Americans is closely linked to principles drawn
aid has always been a prominent feature of African from African culture that define what one stands
American culture. The strongest institution in the for and how one behaves within a bicultural and
natural support system has been churches. Many oppressive context. There is also a common belief
other civic organizations, such as Urban Leagues that the first task of transformative healing is to
and community development corporations, also confront and dismantle the misguided presump-
provide a critically needed safety net for those tion of White superiority and that the solutions to
whose needs far surpass their resources. understanding and resolving the problems of today
are rooted in the past.
African principles, for example, form the
ASSESSMENT AND TREATMENT
basis of the celebration of Kwanzaa. an African
CONSIDERATIONS
American holiday was developed in 1965 to
that
A family life cycle framework is totally congruent celebrate and reinforce African American values
with African values, the most widely held being a (Karenga, 1988). Row & Grills (1993) described
deep sense of family or kinship, including both the an approach for treating drug addicted clients that
vertical (the living, the dead, and those yet unborn) they call the Seven Intentions of Transformative
and the horizontal, encompassing all persons liv- Healing that is based on a related but different for-
ing in the tribe, even those in different family units mulation of traditional African values. Williams
( 1997) advocates a family therapy model that she (rudisha in Swahili). Caring reflects the es-
has named Tarajia based on the promotion of sential interdependence of African Americans,
specific guidelines for behavior drawn from com- the belief that "If I don't care for you, I don't
monly embraced African principles. Hines and care for myself (Rowe & Grills. 1993). It re-
Sutton ( 1 998 ) have developed a violence preven- quires collective work and responsibility or
tion program for adolescents and parents that em- unity [ujima in Swahili) to build and maintain
phasizes traditional African values. The program is our community together, to make our sisters'
called SANKOFA. named for an African bird that and brothers' problems our problems, and to
has become an important symbol for many African solvethem together (Karenga. 1988).
Americans, because it flies forward while looking 4. Competence toward our purpose involves
backward. While there are commonalities and vari- commitment to self-actualization and group
ations in the principles that are highlighted and in actualization, developing ourselves, our fami-
their interpretation across models, the dictates con- lies, our communities, and our culture to their
tained in each model reverberate deeply and richly fullest potential (Rowe & Grills. 1993). It per-
for African Americans. They resound repeatedly in tains to self-determination (kujichagulia in
homes and pulpits and can be found in African Swahili). the right to define ourselves, name
American literature and music of all types. ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for
Drawing on this earlier work, the author con- ourselves, instead of being defined and spo-
ceptualized an approach to assessment and inter- ken for by others (Karenga. 1988). It requires
vention with African American Families that has achieving the skills to cope with and even
proven particularly helpful to those living in the modify or transcend our circumstances.
context of poverty. The model incorporates seven 5. Conduct pertains to accepting our reciprocal
traditional African principles: responsibility to engage in right behavior and
to teach others how to do so. It requires that
1. Consciousness pertains to having a clear African Americans do the right thing simply
awareness of our feelings, thoughts, beliefs. because they know that it is right, regardless
principles, purpose, family, cultural heritage. of what others do. It involves the ability to for-
and potential, as well as obstacles to self- give and resolve past injustices with one an-
actualization and group actualization, includ- other (Williams, 1997).
ing racism. 6. Creativity {Jautmba in Swahili) involves using
2. Connectedness pertains to unity (umoja in our God-given talents to help our families and
Swahili) or sticking together, a sense of be- community not only to survive but to tran-
longing (Rowe & Grills. 1993). and regard for scend adversity, to use our originality, inven-
the well-being of our people and all other liv- tiveness, imagination, intuition, and artistic
ing systems. It is reflected in the African ad- abilities to transform pain into meaning and
age "I am because we are" and reflects the hope and leave the world better and more
idea that our self-definition depends on our beautiful than it was when we inherited it
fundamental interrelationships with our fam- (Karenga, 1988).

ily and our people (Nobles, 1986; Rowe & 7. Courage pertains to demonstrating the spiri-
Grills. 1993) as well as mutually supportive tual strength to v. ithstand adversity to achieve
links within our kin network and community. one's goals; to live up to the examples of one's
3. Caring pertains to the ability to nurture, pro- ancestors. It requires having hope and "faith
tect, support, and show concern for the safety [imam in Swahili] to believe with all our heart
of our family and the larger group. Africans in our people, our parents, our teachers, our
have always had a strong mutual-aid orienta- leaders, and the righteousness and victory of
tion (Nobles. 1974) and a belief in giving back our stru22le" (Karenga. 1988).
332 CHAPTER 19
This evolving Afrocentric life cycle framework • Do you have a mission or calling, something
allows therapists to assess families' competence in that you think you are meant to do?
fulfilling life cycle tasks within the context of values • What has been the impact of racism, poverty,
drawn from their heritage. It helps therapists to pre- and other forms of oppression on your fam-
dict the key developmental tasks that may be stalled ily's functioning?
when families must focus so extensively on external • Do you believe there is a higher being, deity,
conditions.The framework promotes awareness of or divine force?
the relationship between the behavior of family • How do you nourish your spiritual side?
members across generations (vertically) in relation- • How would your ancestors have solved this
ship to current sociopolitical/economic conditions problem?

(horizontally). Family members can be empowered • What wisdom would they pass on to you if
to participate in their own healing and to search for they could consult with you regarding your
wisdom in their own cultural and family heritage. current concern(s)?
The initial task of understanding the present- • Were any sayings or stories passed down to
ing problem(s) within the context of the family's you that have special meaning for you when
life cycle phase, family functioning, and the larger you face difficult circumstances?
ecology must be undertaken with care. Many prac- • What do you believe are the basic responsibil-
titioners (Hines & Boyd-Franklin, 1996) have sug- ities that individuals in your family/ethnic
gested that taking a genogram history requires group have to each other?
diplomacy and should be gathered gradually as the • What constitutes right, ethical, moral, respon-
family comes to trust that the therapist will not sible behavior in this situation?
treat them as institutions have typically treated • Are there any cut-offs within the extended kin
them in the past — in demeaning, disrespectful, and system that relate to internalized racism (e.g.,
racist ways. Therapists can assess families' actual skin color), institutionalized racism, or other
and ideal functioning in relation to the seven prin- socioeconomic and political circumstances?
ciples of African American family and individual • Do you think you or other family members
competence that are highlighted in this chapter. have allowed yourselves to be enslaved by
The power of relating to principles for living how others see you?
is connected with the growing need for African • What do you do to avoid giving up your power
American families to critically examine the myriad and dreams?
of messages they receive about how to survive in a • How can you connect with the spirit and
society in which there is a push to assimilate at the wisdom of the higher power that guided your
same time that basic rights and opportunities are ancestors through the Middle Passage and
still denied. Socialization about how to survive in slavery?
an oppressive context is more haphazard than it • As a trailblazer, managing the complexities
was in the past, so it is all the more important that of living in two worlds, what skills have you
therapy help to recontextualize families in relation needed to develop?
to the larger context. Questions to help achieve this
Work with multiproblem poor African Amer-
aim include the following:
ican families requires creativity, attentiveness to
• Does your family have any information about their idiosyncrasies, and validation of their poten-
its origins (i.e., tribal connections) in Africa? tial, regardless of where they are in the family life
• What is the story of your family's journey from cycle. Families need orientation to therapy and
slavery through the present? to know the nature of the therapist's connection
• What keeps you going in spite of ongoing to other service agencies. Convening family mem-
adversity? bers to communicate and problem solve without
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE OF AFRICAN AMERIC W FAMILIES LI\ I NO IN POVERTY 333
their usual distractions can be invaluable in and of Stage 1: Adolescence/Unattached

itself. Flexibility in time, place, family member Young Adulthood
participation, and use of a therapeutic team makes
African American youths are at risk for many life
an enormous difference (Brown & Parnell. 1990).
difficulties because of the combined effects of rac-
It is important to clarify reality constraints (e.g..
ism, poverty, and the general vulnerabilities of
conflicting work schedules) that may hamper fam-
adolescence. In addition to the ordinary tasks of
ily members" participation in therapy (Hines & adolescence, they have the added burden of devel-
Boyd-Franklin, 1996) and to offer them some help
oping a sense of efficacy in the face of persistent
during the first session, however minor. There is
racism and other oppression. Their environment is
nothing sacred about the typical one- or even two-
full of minefields, and there is little room for error:
hour session; half- and full-day sessions may be
actions such as dropping out of school or being ar-
more effective and may enable therapists to mobi-
gumentative when stopped by the police may have
lize key family members, who may not otheru ise
lifelong consequences. The jobless rate of Black
be available for appointments. Extended sessions
teenagers age 16 to 19 doubled to 50 percent be-
also make it easier to engage and mobilize families
tween 1969 and 1983 (Hill. 1993). twice as high as
before they are distracted by new stresses. In addi-
the rate for Whites (Wright Edelman. 1997). Even
tion, the flexibility offered by a diverse therapeutic
Black students who graduate from college are
team counters burnout and maximizes therapeutic
nearly twice as likely to be unemployed as White
creativity (Hines. Riehman. Hays. & Maxim. 1989).
high school graduates with no college (Wright
Therapists must strive to empower family
Edelman. 1997). Pregnancy is usually high on par-
members by helping them to understand the ways in
ents' worry list for their adolescent daughters: in-
which the social system may undermine their func-
deed, a high number of girls miss this stage almost
tioning as individuals and a family, sorting out the
completely through early pregnancy, which cata-
factors in their predicament that belong to external
pults them into premature adulthood and parenting
systems and those that belong to them. This helps
(Ventura. Taffel. Mosher et al. 1992). For sons,
them to avoid assuming blame for systemic influ-
parents fear for their safety and lives, knowing that
ences while taking responsibility for ways in which
authorities are quick to arrest them for minor of-
they may collude in reinforcing their own power-
fenses, book, remand them for trials, and give them
lessness (Pinderhughes. 1982). The author recom-
harsh dispositions (Roberts. 1995; U.S. Bureau of
mends the use of culturally congruent strategies
the Census. 1997). Their neighborhoods are often
oral history interviews, daily reading of scriptures or
drug and crime ridden, and there are constant pulls
meditations, participation in rites of passage, use of
to engage in illegal activity. Violence is an every-
videos and readings based on the lives of African
day occurrence schools and neighborhoods.
Americans — to help families connect with their
In fact, homicide
in their
is now the leading cause of death

family and group history, their potential, and their
for African Americans of both genders between
hope about overcoming their current challenges
the ages of 15 and 44 (U.S. Bureau of Census.
(Hines. 1998).
1997). Many youths feel compelled to carry weap-
ons for self-protection (Hines. Macias. & Perrino.

in press). AIDS is the fourth leading cause of death
STAGES OF THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
in African American females aged 15 to 24. It is
The life cycle of the poor can be loosely divided the fifth leading cause of deaths among their peers.
into three basic life cycle phases, which are fre- At every life cycle phase, families need to
quently overlapping. It is common for families to provide family members with a balance of sepa-
be in several stages simultaneously, given their ex- rateness and attachment that will promote their
tended kin and intergenerational context. adaptive success (Lewis & Looney. 1983). During
334 CHAPTER 19
adolescence, this balance becomes especially diffi- critical opportunities that may determine the qual-
cult to work out. While yearning for independence, ity of later life.
acknowledgment, and respect, many poor youths Some youths try to fend for themselves in
learn to protect themselves emotionally by turning spite of their difficulties making financial ends
off to the rules of the dominant society that deval- meet; others remain in their families' household,
ues and excludes them. The infiltration of "street whatever inner or interpersonal conflict this en-
values" into youth culture and the media's preoc- tails. Some deal with pressure to strike out on their
cupation with this subculture has heightened nega- own by breaking away in anger: others get married
tive sentiments about youths everywhere they turn. and/or have children with the assumption that this
Most African American youths leam to project an new status will force others to acknowledge them
external demeanor that masks the disappointment, as adults. Some try to resolve the dilemma by relo-
hopelessness, and helplessness that flow from their cating to another geographic area but can afford to
economic, racial, gender, and age-based oppres- do so only if they live with relatives, which may
sion. Their creative and distinctive use of non- create other relationship problems.
standard language and attraction to nontraditional Learning to cope with racism and other op-
clothes, music, and hairstyles might be viewed as pression is an unenviable challenge. It is most dif-
an effort to reject rejection and to exercise some ficult for parents to help their children approach
power in their lives (Franklin, 1989). The schism school and the world of work with optimism. Even
between societal expectations and what they are a high school degree now carries little guarantee
able to achieve puts these youths at high risk for mat a person will find work, and training beyond
depression, anxiety, physical problems, rage, and a high school costs money that they do not have.
host of other problems. Staying connected with Both in school and in the larger community. Af-
their dreams and not compromising their priorities rican American teens are exposed to ongoing
require extreme determination. macro- and micro-assaults and treated as if they
Burton (1990) has suggested that young males are either invisible or dangerous (Franklin. 1993).
in particular tend to become invisible at this phase Even more than their elders, they need the skills to
of the life cycle, disappearing from school and operate in a bicultural context. Young adults en-
church, not appearing in the work system, and counter far more subtle racism than their parents
even disconnecting from their families. In some and grandparents experienced growing up. The
communities, boys begin to disappear from their curricula that they are taught on a daily basis re-
families as early as age 10. being socialized be- main largely Eurocentric in focus. Parents have the
yond that point primarily outside the house by complex task of teaching their children to cope
peers and older men in the community, who in- with racism without overfocusing or underfocus-
struct them in the ways of survival. ing on the issue, a challenge at any life cycle phase
Hale-Benson (1986) suggests that Black chil- but especially at this time when rebelliousness and
dren across social classes are at risk in the tradi- the value teens place on the opinions of their peers
tional educational process, needing to master at interfere with their receptiveness to learning from
least two cultures, and Black males must master their parents anyway. The adoption of African-
three: the larger context. African American cul- centered ideas may be critical to counter the dom-
ture, and the African American male subculture. inant ideas, which are bound to undermine African
Kunjufu (1985) contends that there are several crit- Americans" conceptions of themselves and their
ical periods in Black youths* development: fourth place in the world. Obviously, youths are particu-
and fifth grade when Black children, especially larly vulnerable if their parents are absent or dys-
boys, seem to experience a slump in their achieve- functional and other adults are not available to
ment: adolescence, which appears particularly tur- provide positive role modeling and active guid-
bulent: and the young adult years, which offer ance. The best protection is having parents or care-
takers and mentors who acknowledge and openly making daily. Therapists must also be willing to la-
communicate regarding the harsh realities of their bel destructive behaviors, even while acknowledg-
world while conveying clear principles for living, ing their positive intent. Families may benefit from
high expectations, and monitoring the youths' ac- participating in structured dialogue and problem-
tivities without being overprotective. solving sessions. It may be useful to facilitate
Financial limitations and family obligations discussion between parents and adolescents about
can make it difficult for young adults to fulfill key differences in the challenges that they have faced.
tasks of this stage: to establish intimate relation- Getting adults to tell relevant stories is an excellent
ships and a work identity and to self-differentiate. tool for (re)connecting everyone with the legacies
Many poor Black youths are growing up not seeing that can serve as road maps for coping with current
anyonein their family network who has the oppor- struggles. (This is part of the principle of connect-
tunity to work. This keeps them from believing ing described in the list of African-centered princi-
that become a part of the American
they can ples.) At times, for example, children may not
Dream and makes it hard for them to remain hope- appreciate that their fathers, having no resources,
ful and motivated to resist giving up or becoming may leave their families or become invisible so
part of a counterculture of drug dealing and other that the family can be eligible for medical benefits
illegal and dangerous activities that offer financial and financial assistance (McCall, 1984).
reward and status, though incarceration or early Parents may become immobilized in their
death are also likely outcomes. If they are in a ability to set limits on their children out of their
position to work, they are likely to feel compelled own frustration or hopelessness about their chil-
to provide caretaking or resources to other needy dren's chances of finding a meaningful place in so-
family members, compromising their own inter- ciety. Therapists can be of great service in getting
ests and needs. parental figures to come up with a clear position or
to at least avoid sabotaging each other in setting
Key Therapeutic Tasks. Parents and youths of- limits. Anxieties need to be channeled into activi-
ten need to have both separate and joint sessions to ties that do not exacerbate the youth's inclination
sort out their beliefs, feelings, and concerns. Par- to invalidate parental feedback. Respected older
ents may need to be coached to communicate clear, male relatives and community members may be
specific guidelines for children's conduct and to brought in to help young men reexamine their def-
help their children appreciate the difference be- initions of manhood and free themselves of the
tween being responsible for a situation and being limitations that their peers and larger society may
accountable for how they respond to the situation. impose. Videotapes can be a powerful stimulus for
That is, while they may encounter ongoing situa- conversations about courage and conduct and help
tions in life that are externally imposed, unfair, and family members to make emotional as well as cog-
oppressive, they must still be accountable to them- nitive shifts.
selves, their families, and their community for their It is critical for the executives in families to
conduct —whether they choose to use constructive impress on their adolescents the necessity of hav-
or destructive strategies to cope with adversity. ing a plan of action to accompany their dreams. In
Given the time and energy that are dedicated the words of an African proverb, they must convey
to surviving each day, we should not underestimate that "The hand that knocks you down is not likely
the value of simply creating a forum where family to be thehand that picks you up." Young adults re-
members allow each other to have a voice. Thera- quire knowledge and a toolbox of life skills, in-
pists must be able to sit through family members' cluding anger and stress management, conflict
expression of their pain, disillusionment, and rage resolution, safer sex negotiation, and time manage-
while reminding them of the values they hold, ment skills to effectively negotiate the demands
which may be different from the choices they are they will face in life. Therapists should not assume
336 CHAPTER 19
that parents or adolescents possess these skills or up to their role demands. This increases the risk
the confidence to apply them. It is preferable to that women will accept role overload as a way of
link clients with opportunities for culturally sensi- life.
tive skills training (Hines & Sutton, 1998) in their Young African American males, who are the
school, work, and community settings whenever most direct focus of the larger society's racism, are
these opportunities are available. reluctant to make a commitment to a relationship

when they are unable to meet their financial obli-
gations. Wilson (1997) has been documenting the
Stage 2: Coupling, Bearing and
long-term decline in the proportion of Black men,
Raising Children
especially young Black men, who are in a position
Many African Americans grow up and face adult- to support a family and has shown the obvious and
hood living in poverty, even when they work. A overwhelming relationship between joblessness
related and significant factor, influencing male/ and female-headed households. He asserts that
female relationships and hence, family life is that marriage is an "opportunity structure" that no
between the ages of 20 and 40, Black females out- longer exists for large numbers of Black people.
number African American men in that group (U.S Men are at high risk for acting out their disappoint-
Bureau of the Census, 1997). ment and frustrations through drinking or drug
use, womanizing, or becoming chronically angry,
Couple Relationships. Couple relationships can withdrawn, and absent from the families they can-
be extremely difficult to develop and sustain in the not support.
context of poverty and racism. Stress is persistent.
and conflicts arise easily. In 1994, 38 percent of Taking on Parental Roles. While some African
African American women and 42 percent of Afri- American mothers are mature working women,
can American men were married, down from 45 many are unmarried teenagers. When adolescent
percent and 49 percent, respectively, in 1980 (Col- sexual experimentation leads to pregnancy, young
lins, 1996). The divorce rate for Blacks is 1 .5 times women frequently reject abortion and adoption,
the rate for Whites, and this does not include those choosing to have and keep their babies. They may
who have ended their relationship without legal di- quickly feel overburdened and depressed. Particu-
vorce (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1995). The me- larly if their education is interrupted, their role can
dia provide a constant inducement for couples to become constricted to that of caretaker. If they
compare their lives and relationships to those of attempt to enter the job market, child care and
the rich and famous, whose resources are dramati- transportation costs can be prohibitive. Many are
cally better than their own. Housing tends to be forced to obtain public assistance to ensure hous-
substandard and overcrowded, with no physical ing, food, and medical benefits.
space or money for recreation or cooling off when The role of young fathers with children born
conflicts arise. There is a tendency for the many outside of marriage is often vaguely defined. If
frustrations of living in a context of oppression to they still identify with their adolescent peer group,
get misdirected into male-female relationships. As they may be slow to accept shared responsibility
in most other cultures, women are socialized to be for their children. Mothers may actually restrict fa-
the nurturers in their families and are particularly thers' involvement to protect their children from
inclined to ignore or sacrifice their own needs. the possibility of broken promises. In time, chil-
Within the culture, individuals are seen as having dren expect their fathers' absence, though it may
worth irrespective of their level of aca-
intrinsic bother them. Boys, in particular, are handicapped
demic achievements or economic success in life. by this concept of maleness, but there has been a
There widespread recognition of the special op-
is concerted effort to reverse this trend. An increas-
pression that impedes Black men's capacity to live ing number of young men are getting involved in
parenting education and support programs. Burton of the single-parent family are the availability of
( 1995) found about 25 percent of the fathers in her other resources and the family's ways of function-
research sample and their families were participating. Family adaptive strategies, when pushed too
ing in caregiving to their children. far, can become a vulnerability. For example, pa-
Parents can easily become overburdened with rental children can provide critical support to
too many responsibilities and too few resources siblings, while developing self-esteem, and an en-
and emotional reserves. Often, several children are hanced sense of their own potential, if parents en-
close in age, and it is not uncommon for children to sure that they assume only responsibilities that are
span the range from infancy through adolescence. within their capacity (Hines & Boyd-Franklin.
An older child may take on responsibility for help- 1996; Watson, 1998). But when parents abdicate
ing to reduce the parental load, helping with child responsibility to children who have inadequate
or elder care, household maintenance, or working skills, support, and power to meet the challenge,
to contribute to the family's meager cash resources. these children can easily become the object of their
Parents tend to be authoritarian and use physical siblings' rage. The effort to take care of others may
punishment to ensure that children quickly learn divert attention from their own developmental
and abide by lessons that are intended to protect needs, leaving them ripe for frustration. Adaptive
them from dangers in their harsh surroundings. strengths are maximized when adults show sensi-
Coaching parents to change their discipline strate- tivity to the unique characteristics and needs of
gies, when this is necessary, requires tact and an each child, avoid cutting children off from their
understanding of the extreme pressures they face fathers and paternal families, are clear about unac-
(Denby & Alford. 1996). ceptable behavior, and use positive, consistent
discipline strategies.
Realigning Relationships with Extended Family.
The birth of children hastens couples' need to in- Key Therapeutic Tasks. Given the likelihood of
tegrate new spouses or mates into extended-fam- role overload and isolation at this phase, helping
ily networks. They often live with or near parents parents and other caretakers to maintain support-
and other family members. While the extended- ive, reciprocal connections with family, Active kin,
family network is likely to provide child care and friends, and community supports is extremely im-
a much needed cushion of emotional if not finan- portant. This is even more critical when aging
cial support, a high level of connection leaves grandparents assume parental responsibilities, es-
room for some predictable problems. Couples when children have special needs stem-
pecially
may struggle with issues of loyalty between their ming from parental drug addiction and AIDS.
newly created family and one or both extended- Sibling relationships, which are especially impor-
family systems. Families often include children tant in African American culture, should be vali-
and/or grandchildren as well as other relatives of dated and nurtured as an extremely important part
one or both partners, creating the challenge of fit- of the relationship network (Watson, 1998; see
ting together disparate and changing relationships. also Chapter 9). It is important to maximize the in-
Furthermore, poverty tends to mean an extremely volvement of fathers and the paternal extended
high family mobility, so parents and children must family if this is at all possible. Therapists can help
continually adjust to relatives moving in and out. to strengthen family systems by linking them with
and they themselves tend to change living quarters community organizations that can provide con-
and schools very frequently. crete resources and supporting their capacities to
Single-parent family structures are not inher- advocate on their own behalf. Schools do not vali-
ently dysfunctional, but they are particularly vul- date or reward children who have relational cogni-
nerable because of poverty, task overload, and a tive styles as African Americans typically do from
lack of resources. More relevant than the structure growing up in fluid, shared-function families.
338 CHAPTER 19
Therapists need to advocate for poor families with their sense of being overwhelmed is impeding their
school systems and empower parents to take an efforts for action (Hines, 1998).
active role in their children's education because

of the likelihood of racist disempowerment of
Stage 3: Families in Later Life
children, which contributes to their acting-out
behavior. The life expectancy of an African American is
Many parents and caretakers require assis- 69.2 years, six to eight years less than for other
tance to increase their focus on caring for self and Americans. Among the aged, 31 percent of Black
reducing the level of their overfunctioning. This is women, and 21 men live below
percent of Black
likely to involve setting limits on relationships in compared to 5 percent of White
the poverty line,
which there has been little or no reciprocity in men and 13 percent of White women. (U.S. Bu-
terms of emotional or concrete support. For others, reau of Census, 1997). Families in later life are
it will involve reducing their role overload by ne- likely to consist of a child generation, a young
gotiating to share family tasks. Discussion of fam- adult parent generation, a middle-aged grandpar-
ily legacies that that have contributed to the roles ent generation, and one or even two elderly great-
that family members have assumed over time can grandparent generations. In contrast to middle-
help families to see the dangers of fostering overclass families, this phase of the life cycle does not
dependence on one person. Families can lose a signify retirement or a lessening of daily responsi-
great deal if no one is in training to assume critical bilities for poor African Americans. Many con-
tasks. By assisting families to learn about their tinue working tomake ends meet in spite of poor
heritage, therapists help them to gain a sense of health. Even when they do retire, it is unlikely they
hope and connectedness to something larger than will have "empty nests." Instead, they are likely
themselves. to be active members of expanding households
Parents may need coaching about how to pro- and family systems, frequently providing care to
vide children with age-appropriate details regard- grandchildren, adult children, and other elderly
ing imminent changes in the living situation, kin. Although women in this stage are likely to be
family member absences, and about how to avoid in bad health and have extremely low incomes, it is
mangling children into their conflicts. they who are most likely to provide stability for
Families are far less likely to be overwhelmed, children when the system is threatened with disso-
depressed, or frustrated when they participate in at lution because parents cannot fulfill their roles.
least some pleasurable activities. Most are social- Grandfathers and grandfather surrogates also help
ized to understand that their lives will involve on- to provide intergenerational care (Burton. 1995).
going struggle and sacrifice. Adults will generally More typically, grandparents' role is to provide
be more comfortable planning pleasurable activi- child care assistance, while their adult children re-
ties for the sake of the children than for them- tain primary responsibility for child-rearing. But
selves. Therapists must be willing to acknowledge as the drug and HIV epidemics have grown, in-
the obstacles that families face even when the increasing numbers of adult children are dysfunc-
tention is to challenge some of the premises that tional and rely on their elders for housing and other
lead clients to give up on their dreams. Reference support (Boyd-Franklin. Steiner, & Boland, 1995).
to sayings or proverbs that have evolved in the Af- The increase in single-parent-headed families has
rican American community over the generations also influenced the roles that grandparents play in
may have a richness of reverberation that families these families.
can connect with. For example, a saying such as "It Illness is likely to be disregarded by the eld-
is accomplishments that inspire others, not merely erly until their functioning is seriously impaired.
our dreams" (Riley, 1993) might trigger discussion This is often related to a belief that idleness hastens
of specific efforts families need to organize when age-related symptoms and death and the convic-
tion that the family will suffer if elderly members support give them strength and resilience to tran-
do not provide the usual assistance. They do not scend their losses.
seek to adapt but to overcome the problems associ- The assistance that individuals are able to pro-
ated with aging. vide to others, particularly in later life, can help
Elderly family members are great sources of them to retain a sense of purpose. However, one
human wisdom and strength by virtue of their sur- area for clinical assessment is whether they can do
vival. They not only provide financial assistance so without compromising their own needs. The
and physical care for children and sick family stress of managing child care responsibilities, pro-
members: they also serve as family advisors, me- viding emotional and financial support to adult
diators, convenors of the kinship system, and children and other kin. and contributing to the care
transmitters of the culture. Grandparents often of other elderly family members can be over-
have relationships with their grandchildren that are whelming. The situation is further complicated
as close as. if not closer than, the relationship^ thej when their health is failing or retirement is not fi-
have with their own adult children. They may have nancially feasible.
spent more time nurturing their grandchildren, Denial about a decline in functioning, illness,
nieces, nephews, and other kin than they were able or ultimately death may result in disturbed family
to devote to their own children. Their homes are communication around issues that are critical to
usually the gathering place for the kin system. maintaining family stability, resulting in faulty
It is common, particularly for those who were problem solving. Efforts to protect the elderly
teenage parents, to assume greater responsibility in from the realities of their failing health can. in fact,
their nuclear and extended families as they mature add to their distress in that they are less likely to
and as aging family executives decline in health. feel free to openly discuss the major life transition
There may be unresolved intergenerational issues they are undergoing and their concerns about how
connected with co-parenting and surrogate parent- others in the family will be affected.
ing arrangements that therapists may have to help
family members work through. Individual and Key Therapeutic Tasks. When family members
subgroup meetings may be required to uncover is- become ill because they did not take care of their
sues (e.g.. shame about drugs, crime, or sexual be- health, therapists can ease the family's pain by nor-
havior) that family members feel inhibited about malizing their frustration with the aging person.
discussing. Disregarding these issues can mean Family members may also need coaching to plan
that children are caught in the middle. a confrontation with an elderly family member
Life for poor African Americans typically in- about the need for medical treatment or restrictions
volves repeated loss because of the size of their on his or her activity. Conflicts about the failure of
kinship system alone, but poverty contributes con- various family members to shoulder their share of
ditions that make loss a tragically, frequent experi- responsibility are common. Elderly family mem-
ence. The repeated experience of loss can both bers are often catalysts for gathering family mem-
facilitate and complicate family members' adjust- bers to address the need for a changing of guards
ment to the issues they confront as family mem- so that continuity of family functioning is main-
bers age and begin to decline in health. The loss of tained. When family members are ambivalent
a family member who is central to a family's func- about or closed to participation in therapy sessions,
tioning may be the stimulus that results in the other it can help to appeal to their concern that their eld-
members' feeling overwhelmed, depressed, de- members experience greater peace of
erly family
serted, hopeless, angry, and/or bitter about life. mind from knowing that all is in order. In return,
Such emotional states obviously retard the pro- therapists can motivate the elderly to participate in
gression of the family unit as well as its individual sessions by emphasizing the need for family mem-
members. For others, their spirituality and family bers to access the wisdom of their elders and avoid
340 CHAPTER 19
unhealthy dependency that will leave them unpre- Raheem's problematic behavior had begun after
pared to function effectively when the elderly per- his brother's death. Lashan had been the first in his
son can no longer do caretaking. immediate family to attend college. Ralph had al-
ways worked two jobs to make ends meet. But

Older family members are sometimes ambiva-
shortly after Lashan's death, he lost his job as a
lent about dealing with certain topics (e.g.. drugs,
painter because of new regulations, which blocked
illicit sex, or criminal behavior) if they have not re-
the employment of those without union credentials.
solved their own guilt and/or confusion about
Since then, he could find only occasional odd jobs.
choices made when they were younger. But their ad- Isabella had given up her job as a school crossing
vicemay be even more credible because of their life guard because of a painful arthritic condition. Also
experience and it may be helpful for them to speak within the past year. Ralph had agreed to "disap-
openly about information they may have long pear" from the household to allow his family to
avoided or kept secret. Exploring individual and qualify for medical benefits and food stamps, and
family legacies often results in reconnecting with he was now staying with his mother, a situation that
stories, images, and the fortitude of ancestors and was increasing the stress in her small household.
mobilizes family members to move forward with

He had also increased his drinking from occasional
binges to daily drinking until he was drunk.
tasks they have magnified to the status of undoable.
Raheem refused to speak or listen to his father
Those in the middle generation, burdened by
and dismissed his mother's efforts to set limits. Ini-
providing assistance to older and younger family
tially. Ralph reacted to Raheem's "disrepectful be-
members, are at particularly high risk for symp- havior" with rage and threats to put him out of
toms. Given the cultural emphasis on being strong the household. Isabella was furious with her hus-
and the common interpretation that this means band. She confronted him almost daily, expressing
"keep moving." men and women are challenged to disgust about his drinking and his "failure as a
grant themselves time to rebound from physical husband and as a father." She was also feeling hope-
and emotional depletion. It may help to ask what less about Raheem's "refusal to live up to his po-
wisdom their ancestors would share with them tential." Recently. Rachel had started to violate
her curfew and angrily accused her mother of be-

about managing this situation.
ing overprotective with her but permissive with
Case Illustration Raheem. Isabella repeatedly shielded her chil-

dren's transgressions from their father and her ail-
The Long family was referred for treatment by ing mother-in-law. The grandmother, whose own
school authorities to address the excessive school health was failing, was feeling frustrated and over-
absences and suspected drug use of 16-year-old whelmed by the needs of her grandson, whose
Raheem. In fact, they represented a family at all grades had gone down in school. Her son Larry
three family life cycle stages. The immediate fam- was also a problem, coming home only when he
ily consisted of Raheem's parents, Isabella (age needed something, and she feared that he was in-
46) and Ralph (age 48) and a 13-year-old sister. volved with drugs.
Rachel. The previous year, the oldest son. Lashan, The family reflected the three patterns typical of
at age 19 had been accidentally run over by a po- the life cycle of the poor that we have discussed
lice car that had been chasing someone else, as he earlier: They had a condensed life cycle. Andre
was walking to evening classes at a local college. having been bom when his father was a teenager;
The paternal grandmother, 65-year-old Caroline, female-run households, as the grandmother's was
lived several blocks away with her 29-year-old son and now briefly the mother's was; and finally the
Larry and her 12-year-old grandson Andre, who multiple stresses so common in poor families. Over
had been with her since infancy, when his father. time, the therapy team focused work on life cycle
Michael, had been incarcerated. Caroline was suf- tasks at several levels of the system: ( 1 ) consistent
fering from diabetes and high blood pressure. child-rearing for the youths in the family, all three
Most of the aunts, uncles, and cousins lived in the of whom (Raheem. Rachel, and Andre) were hav-
local community ing problems. (2) the couple relationship, since
long unresolved problems in Isabella and Ralph's child-rearing goals. Mr. Long, initially very angry
relationship had now escalated and were intensified that his two brothers had caused his mother so
by Ralph's drinking and the anger they were direct- much pain, was highly skeptical about Michael's
ing at each other; and (3) the overburdening and embracing the Muslim religion. But Michael
burnout of the grandmother caretaker. proved to He was
be an important agent of change.
First, the therapists arranged a long session in able to penetrate Raheem's armor and impress
which all family members were invited; only Larry upon him the inaccuracy of his peers' visions of
refused to attend. The therapists attempted to ex- prison life. He spoke candidly to Raheem and An-
pand the family's consciousness about how they dre about the devastating ways in which drugs had
had arrived at their current dilemma, pointing out affected not only him but his son and his mother as
that they had been pushed to their limit by the well, and now probably his younger brother Larry.
senseless death of Lashan, the dramatic decline in He challenged both to avoid turning over key life
the family's meager financial underpinnings, and decisions to their peers.

the deterioration of Isabella's and Caroline's In subsequent individual sessions with Ralph, the
health. The therapist outlined the various stressors team urged him to call upon the courage that had
that were beyond the family's control (e.g., crime in brought him through the Vietnam War and the wis-
the neighborhood, illness, unanticipated job loss, dom passed on by his father to confront his alcohol
negative peer pressure, housing and school prob- abuse, his children's need for a positive role model,
lems). Though there were clear racial preferences and his own need to be responsible as a father and
in effect, Mr. Long had no way to fight the situation husband. Isabella was coached to communicate her
that led to his job loss. Isabella and Ralph had dis- distress to her husband without resorting to yelling
cussed but not followed up on seeking legal aid to and put-downs that typically resulted in angry ex-
explore the wrongful death of Lashan. Each family changes, distancing by Ralph, and overfunctioning
member had handled the feelings of loss, anger, on her part. Ralph was able to articulate his disap-
hopelessness, and helplessness with behaviors that pointment that his wife never seemed to appreciate
were destructive to their individual and family his effort to be a good husband and father. Until his
functioning. The members of the executive system recent drinking, he had maintained his commitment
of the Long family, connected in their pain and con- to himself, from boyhood, to be different from the
cern, were divided in their awareness of each men he grew up around, who dealt with their blues
other's needs, hope, and ideas about how best to by cheating on their wives, being physically abu-
counter the circumstances that threatened their sive, drinking, gambling, and wasting their lives do-
family. ing nothing. Ralph and Isabella discussed the kinds
To reawaken and expand their consciousness and of contributions that Ralph could make to demon-
empower the family, the therapists encouraged the strate his caring for his wife and family in spite of
grandmother, father, and mother to tell their family his joblessness. The therapists engaged the couple
history while Raheem, Rachel, and Andre listened. as well as their teens in practice sessions to improve
They told stories of the extraordinary challenges their competency in the art of negotiation. The ther-
their family had overcome over the generations. apists used the one-way mirror and bug-in-the-ear
Themes of family togetherness, faith, persever- device to coach the couple to renegotiate their roles
ance, and creativity were threaded in each. At the in their home. Similarly, Raheem and Rachel re-
therapist's urging. Ralph agreed to end his cut-off hearsed ways to negotiate for privileges with their
with his brother Michael and took Raheem and An- parents. Ralph began to take a more active role in
dre with him to see Michael at the prison for the the family and coordinated the meetings to help Ra-
first time in nine years. The therapists facilitated a heem reestablish his academic standing
dialogue between the adults about differences in The therapists then turned their attention to the
their expectations and the messages they were giv- grandmother's health in a second long family ses-
ing to the children in the family. The therapists dis- sion. The family members spoke about their love
cussed with them how to hold the youths in the and caring for her and confronted her about her re-
family and each other accountable and what shifts peated violation of her diet and inconsistent use of
were necessary in their co-parenting to foster their her medication. She spoke to her family about her
342 CHAPTER 19
belief in not giving in to her aches and pains. Dis- cern (Markowitz, 1997). In most instances, they
cussion ensued about how she could acknowledge are working across racial/ethnic differences and
her illness by taking her medication and continue to socioeconomic lines as well. It is not unusual for
support herself and her grandchild but give up the
families to arrive for therapy with ambivalence if
overtime cleaning and home health care jobs she
not outright annoyance about the process. Although
regularly accepted. She insisted that the family join
therapists may understand why this is so, it can still
her in attending church services on Lashan's birth-
be difficult to accept family members' display of
day, which had proven to be a difficult anniversary
for the family ever since his death. Acknowledging such negative sentiments.
the innumerable demands and circumstances that To minimize burnout, we as therapists need to
impeded their social activity, the therapist asked explore where we fall on the continuum of racial,
the executives in the family system to explore the ethnic, gender, sexual orientation, and socioeco-
down-side of allowing themselves to become to- nomic privilege and assess our personal beliefs
tally depleted, given the enormous importance of about poverty and coping with adversity. It is help-
the work involved in rearing children in their com- ful to stay in regular, active consultation with col-
munity. The themes of courage, caring, and doing
leagues who can help us step out of the minefield
the right thing by each other reverberated for the
of guilt or do-gooder behavior that does not benefit
adults and youth in the family system.
our clients or ourselves. African Americans are
The therapist articulated the family's unspoken
particularly attuned to indications of genuiness; if
concern that these efforts, without new opportuni-
ties, would still fall short of helping the family re-
our posture is negative, hopeless, or patronizing,
duce their level of dependence on government we are unlikely to be successful or gratified

assistance. Mr. Long made a connection with a (Hines, 1998; Hines & Boyd-Franklin, 1996). Hu-
cousin who owned a small business and was able to mility and active commitment to collaboration are
secure a part-time position, which had the potential essential therapist skills. The value of our work
of becoming full time, contingent on his continuing does not reside in our ability to provide answers to
with weekly AA meetings. The therapist was re- our clients' problems, but rather in helping them to
sourceful in linking the family with a new commu- define their options, however limited; take respon-
nitydevelopment corporation, which assigned a
sibility to reduce the stressors that are affecting
mentor and tutor for Andre. Isabella enrolled in
them negatively; and improve their handling of cir-
their adult education program, where she would be
a candidate for further training after attaining her
cumstances beyond their control. Family therapists
GED. Raheem and Rachel had very grudgingly
are also constantly challenged to redefine the roles
at-
tended the first session of a rites of passage pro- and boundaries we were taught to abide by during
gram that the organization had initiated for young our training. Families may request assistance with
men and women. Isabella reported that neither issues that are not related to the presenting prob-
would admit to liking the program but complaints lem or planned session goals. Families may leave
about going somewhere to be "preached at" had treatment without termination interviews, only to
not resurfaced since their first visit. Unfortunately, reappear after another crisis. This revolving-door
Larry remained a serious concern, but the grand-
phenomenon represents an opportunity to help
mother was no longer allowing him to come home
families reach higher levels of functioning as they
whenever he wanted, disrupting the household.
progress through the family life cycle rather than
treatment failure.
Work with multiproblem poor African Amer-
AVOIDING THERAPIST BURNOUT
ican families requires significant time, creativity,
It is understandable that therapists experience energy, and clarity. Those who do this work need
burnout in working with poor families that have to be able to schedule appointments flexibly. Case-
multiple problems. Services may be delivered in load assignment policies and performance evalua-
neighborhoods in which safety is a constant con- tions should not include a major emphasis on the
number of cases that are seen. Flexibility in ses- the human service system; design and deliver
sion timing and team consultation are definitely school-, work-, and community-based interven-
cost efficient when we consider the cost of notions: and promote policies that create opportuni-
shows for scheduled appointments, therapist burn- ties and foster healthy environments.
out, staff turnover, client dropout, alternative use
of emergency services, and the cost of hospital-

CONCLUSION
ization. Managed care companies are currently ag-
gressively targeting low-income populations to There is much for us to learn about how to assist
join their plans. There is is both a challenge and an families living in the context of poverty and insti-
opportunity to advocate for policies that promote tutionalized racism. Even though the larger issues
high quality and efficient service delivery. The pa- of oppression require societal intervention, our
perwork and certification process alone are major current knowledge is sufficient to use family ther-
deterrents to families' receiving the treatment they apy as a tool that can help multiproblem poor fam-
require. ilies. An Afrocentrically oriented family life cycle
Most therapists who work with multiproblem perspective provides a useful framework for as-
families have a genuine commitment to assisting sessment and intervention, since it does not focus
the population and often ignore the need to retreat solely on the impact of context and external
and replenish their own energy, even to take lunch stresses but permits an understanding of how these
away from the office. We need to refuel our own exacerbate the stress of normal developmental
tanks, as we so often caution families. A key pro- needs and unresolved family issues. Most impor-
cess, essential to this outcome, is staying con- tant, it provides direction for intervention. It en-
nected with our respective wellsprings of energy courages therapists to validate clients' experiences
and spiritual renewal. In our experience, therapists within a context of societal oppression while em-
can also gain valuable insights, contacts, and a re- powering them, in the spirit of their ancestors, to
newed energy for work in the the clinical arena by take whatever steps they can to counter the forces
using our knowledge and skills to help reengineer that would undo them.
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Family 1005-1013. Oaks. CA: Sage.
Chapter 20
LESBIANS, GAY MEN,

THOMAS W. JOHNSON
PATRICIA COLUCCI
This disease will be the end of many of us, but not nearly all, and the dead
will be commemorated and will struggle on with the living, and we are not
going away. We won 't die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins
forward. We will be citizens. The time has come.
—Tony Kushner(1992)
Popular culture has historically portrayed lesbians ily of choice, and their newly discovered romantic
and gay men as denizens of a subcultural world relationship with each other. Given cultural evi-
divorced from "the family." Few images exist of dence like these films, clearly, the word is out that
lesbian daughters or gay sons sitting on a family family is as integral a component of lesbian or gay
porch sipping iced tea with Mom and Dad or walk- life as it is for a heterosexual one. However, even
ing a daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. though the construct of "family" is being applied
Lesbians and gays are more typically painted as more often to lesbian/gay life, dominant opinion
eternally single adults cruising from one failed re- maintains that their structures and norms are idio-
lationship to another or as underground couples syncratic and strikingly different from those of het-
coming into the light only in the "gay ghettoes" of erosexual family life. For example, from a lesbian/
the Castro District, Provincetown, or Northamp- gay perspective, clinicians such as Slater (1995)
ton, Massachusetts (dubbed "Lesbianville" by the and Siegel and Lowe (1994), claim that the fami-
TV show 20/20). Fortunately, popular stories and lies created by lesbians and gays are invented or
images of lesbian/gay life (or, more exactly, reinvented entities, inconsistent with heterosexual
"lives," as there really is no prototypic lesbian/gay family institutions.
community) are changing and becoming less mar- It is our premise, like that of Laird (1993) and
ginal. For example, two recent popular-run movies Lukes and Land (1990), that lesbians and gays are
show lesbians and gays in the American main- bicultural. They are reared in the same dominant
stream and also in the context of family: Home for culture as heterosexuals and have internalized the
the Holidays (1995) offers a gay male character same sets of norms, values, and beliefs. They be-
who maintains close attachments to a family of or- long to mainstream families and use some of the
igin, to a male lover, and to a family of choice. same premises of family life as their heterosexual
Likewise, in the Incredibly True Adventures of Two kin.But at the same time, lesbians and gays add a
Girls in Love (1996), two lesbian adolescents are unique spin to this heritage because of their expe-
portrayed in the contexts of family of origin, fam- riences with homophobia and with the special cir-
346
LESBIANS. GAY MEN. AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 347
cumstances created by same-sex pairing. Following A third problem mentioned by Slater is that the
this track, we believe that gays and lesbians are part dominant family life cycle models assume that a
of a complex multigenerational family system con- key function of intergenerational relationships lies
sisting of a family of origin, a multigenerational in the transmission of norms, rituals, values, pre-
lesbian/gay community, and/or a family of choice scriptions, and folk wisdom from one generation to
that consists of friends, partners, and/or children. the next, all in the service of promoting continuity
The family life cycle notion (Carter & of the family over time. This applies in part to les-
McGoldrick, 1980, 1988) and the multicontextual bians and gays, for they are also members of blood
framework (Carter. 1992) are useful heuristic con- families that persist across time. However, no assis-
structs for charting a three- or four-generational tance and guidance are provided through biological
family's movement across time and across the oxer- or adoptive family legacies about how to survive
arching space of culture. These constructs can be and flourish in the world as a lesbian or gay person.
applied useful ly to the lives of lesbian and gay peo- As Martin (1982) notes, lesbians and gays belong
ple in relation to the families in which they were to a minority group of which their families are usu-
raised. This will, in part, be the focus of this chapter. ally not members. This also applies to lesbian and
However, it is also useful to explore how the same- gay parents when they do not share a minority
sex couple relationship, the lesbian/gay parenting group identity with their heterosexual children.
system, or the family of choice are integrated or not A fourth problem that Slater sees occurs in the
integrated in the multigenerational extended family importance of rituals in the family life cycle (Im-
across all stages of the family life cycle. ber-Black & Roberts, 1992). Family rituals and
Some lesbian/gay family clinicians and re- traditions often serve as points of punctuation that
searchers (Siegel & Lowe, 1994: Slater & Mencher. note and celebrate life passages in the context of
1991 ) argue that the popular family life cycle mod- family. The repertoire of rituals in any given family
els do not apply to lesbians and gays. Because frequently excludes important life transitions for
these mainstream models are based on heterosexual lesbians and gay family members. For example, it
experience and traditional Judeo-Christian values, is a rare extended-family system that holds a
they have a number of serious validity problems shower or a wedding for a gay or lesbian family
relative to the lesbian/gay context. Slater (1995) member (Imber-Black & Roberts. 1992).
outlines the problems. First, she claims that these A fifth problem with the dominant family life
models assume that child-rearing is the raison cycle models, as noted by Slater, appears in the
d'etre of family life. Although there is a current lack of language and norms for various aspects of
lesbian/gay baby boom, parenting is not a corner- lesbian and gay life in the context of the family of
stone of homosexual family life. For many lesbians origin. For example, there is no formal name for
and gays, the couple relationship or the network of the relationship between a mother and her lesbian
relationships with close friends constitutes a com- daughter's life-partner. Similarly there is no con-
plete family unit. We suspect that this is also the sensus on the name for the daughter's partner in
case for many heterosexual people. her couple relationship: Is she a girlfriend, a lover,
The second problem that Slater notes appears a life-partner? In addition, when a lesbian couple
in the definition of what constitutes family in moves into parenthood through the alternative in-
these popular models. The criteria usually revolve semination of one of its members, what is the name
around blood and legal ties. The research of an- for the non-birth mother? What is the name for the
thropologist Kath Weston 1991 indicates that les-
( ) relationship between the second mother's parents
bians and gay men use broader criteria to define and her child? In this situation, the absence of
their families. Often, close friends are enumerated norms (and. of course, homophobia) might allow
as family members and compose a "family of the second mother's family to take a position of
choice" or a 'family of creation." marginalization or nonrecognition of her child. A
348 CHAPTER 20
marginalizing dominant culture might view this Lesbian and gay identity development is a
second mother as an unattached single adult who complicated process that entails cognitive, behav-
has no relational claims upon her but those of her ioral, and affective shifts, not necessarily in a clear,
family of origin. continuous order. The identity development pro-
The critique of the dominant family life cycle cess can commence at any age, given that some
model offered by clinical researchers such as people do not experience homosexual desire or
Slater has great usefulness. However, we are not affiliation until adulthood or even in later life. A
ready to discard the model, but rather seek to number of models have been developed to chart
amend and extend it to make a better fit with a les- this process (see Scrivener & Eldridge, 1995, for a
bian or gay life. summary), but the most popular is the model de-
We will use the family life cycle format developed by Australian psychologist Vivienne Cass
vised by Carter and McGoldrick (1980, 1988) and (1979). Cass maintains that lesbians and gay men
look at each stage in turn with two lenses: ( 1 ) a les- pass through six stages of an increasingly consoli-
bian/gay lens that looks at the unique lesbian/gay dating lesbian/gay identity. Cass's model has been
cast to the experiences and issues involved for per- subject to social constructionist critique (Laird,
sons at each stage of the family life cycle and (2) a 1993; Sophie, 1985-1986), given that many post-
family system lens that looks at the multigenera- modern theorists have trouble with the continuous,
tional impact of the life cycle experiences of les- progressive, ahistorical, noncultural nature of de-
bian and gay members. Putting the lesbian/gay velopment models (Gergen, 1982; Hoffman, 1993).
family member in the subject position, we will use There is also considerable diversity by gender,
the following life cycle sequence: adolescence, class, race, and culture in how lesbian/gay identity
leaving home: single young adulthood, coupling, develops. For example, adolescent lesbians typi-
parenting, and mid-life/later life. cally recognize homosexual desire and experiment
with homosexual activity later than gay male ado-
lescents do (Boxer, Cook. & Herdt, 1989, cited in
ADOLESCENCE
Savin- Williams, 1996). In terms of race, class, and
Adolescence is confusing and destabilizing enough culture, some minority lesbian and gay adolescents
for most families, but when a child discovers that may give racial or cultural identities greater impor-
she or he is lesbian or gay, the tumult becomes even tance and put homosexual identity in the back-
more acute for the adolescent and also for the family ground (Morales, 1990).
if they learn of their child's identity. The upheaval Lesbian and gay adolescents face the same
for the child revolves around the anxiety, shame, and individuation tasks as heterosexual ones, but they
disorientation they face when they recognize that a have less assistance from the family in rehearsing
stigmatized and devalued sexuality is a part of their and planning for an adult life in that the family can-
own personal repertoire of feeling and experience not help in figuring out how to live a lesbian/gay
(Martin. 1982). Often, the lesbian/gay child must life. Adolescent dating rituals such as planning for
master this challenge on his or her own because of the prom and going steady become meaningless ac-
fears about the reactions of family and friends. The tivities for the lesbian/gay adolescent who is forced
isolation, stigmatization, and confusion may ac- to pass as heterosexual. Group identification be-
count for the high rate of suicidal behavior among comes a source of pain for the lesbian/gay adoles-
lesbian/gay youngsters. Various studies (Herdt, cent who is struggling to find a place to belong.
1989; see also the summary in Savin- Williams, If a lesbian/gay adolescent discloses either
1996) report that 20 to 40 percent of lesbian/gay consciously or inadvertently to the family, all hell
youths make suicide attempts and that these youths often breaks loose. Families may immediately be-
are two to three times more likely to kill themselves come disoriented and alienated from their child
than are their heterosexual counterparts. (Fairchild & Hay ward. 1979; Johnson, 1992), and
litanies of self-blame and guilt emerge as parents she became depressed, she had developed a crush
scan the past to figure out "where we went wrong." on a female schoolmate. She explained that they
Numerous studies report a high frequency of vio- had been dating — spending time at the movies and
shopping mall. But at the same time, she was
lence, threats, and expulsion after a family learns
afraid that if her mother found out, she would be
of the homosexuality of an adolescent son or
disappointed, and that if her large network of aunts
daughter (Herdt & Boxer. 1993; Martin & Hetrick. and uncles found out, they would think she was
1988; Savin-Williams. 1994). It is estimated that
crazy. She had often heard her family make dispar-
50 percent of homeless teens are lesbian/gay (20/ aging remarks about homosexuality. The therapist
20, 1992). One way to understand the family's focused on creating an atmosphere of safety tor
strong reactions is to look at the influence of the Katie — a place where her homosexual desires
larger homophobic and heterosexist culture that were normalized and she could examine the com-
stigmatizes a lesbian/gay child and explains the plexity of all of her sexual feelings, including at-
source of the identity as failed and defective traction to boys. In addition, the therapist met v. ith
parenting. Even when families are more even-tem- the family to alleviate their anxiety about Katie
and to work out how they could best support their
pered, there is still a tremendous anxiety about the
daughter. Katie made the decision not to disclose
child's safety in relation to an antagonistic domi-
her sexual orientation issues at this time. The ther-
nant culture and a lesbian/gay community that is
apist agreed that because of her age and her own
perceived as predatory. Parents of homosexual ad-
lack of comfort with her emerging sexual orienta-
olescents struggle with anxiety about their child's
tion, it made sense for Katie to postpone disclosure
foray into the world, but the world is perceived as to her parents until a more appropriate stage in her
even more dangerous and unknown for lesbian/gay own development.
Normal parental anxiety about an adolescent
teens.
becomes even more acute for parents of lesbian/

LEAVING HOME/SINGLE
gay teens. Many of the lesbian/gay teens we have
YOUNG ADULTHOOD
worked with experience overprotectiveness from
their families, and they are blocked from important According to Carter and McGoldrick (1980,
adolescent experiences that prepare them for adult 1988), the tasks faced by an emancipating young
lesbian/gay life. Parents seem particularly anxious adult in the "leaving home" phase of the life cycle
about allowing their children to join lesbian/gay revolve around the development of emotional and
adolescent support groups because of worries financial responsibility for self, the establishment
about recruitment, exploitation, and exposure to of a beginning vocational identity, the initiation of
HIV. However, these groups are critical in helping adult intimate relationships, and the commence-
a lesbian/gay adolescent to develop a sense of nor- ment of a process of differentiation of self. The
malcy and belonging. Given all of this strong reac- second-order changes experienced by the family
tivity in a family, it is wise for a therapist to tread include renegotiation of the parenting system,
very slowly and carefully around the issue of ado- movement toward adult-to-adult relationships with
lescent disclosure to the family. grown children, and adjustment to the entrances
into and exits from the system relevant to later life.
Katie's family placed her in a psychiatric hospital
For the young adult lesbian or gay person, the tasks
at the age of 13 after a period of depression in
of this developmental stage, as in adolescence, can
which she began to experience academic decline.
become even more complicated as they continue to
social withdrawal, and suicidal urges. She was
handle simultaneously the normative demands of
given a diagnosis of major depression and border-
line personality disorder and placed on medica-
young adult identity development, the intricacies
tions. After discharge from the hospital, she of lesbian/gay identity development, and the
confided in her outpatient therapist that she stresses of living in a stigmatizing larger culture.
thought she might be a lesbian. During the months Lesbian and gay identity clearly affects the dating
350 CHAPTER 20
experience, but it can also color the choices the through a phase" or hasn't met the right opposite-
young adult makes in terms of work and friend- sex partner who will help the person "straighten
ship. Some lesbian/gay adults may opt for a split- out." Singlehood and nondisclosure to the family
self adaptation (straight to the world but gay to the allow the system to continue to assume that the
self) and appear to adjust well to the demands of child is straight.
young adulthood. However low-level anxiety may Dating in the lesbian/gay world is as wild,
persist under the competent veneer that relates to wonderful, and horrible an experience as it is in the
feelings of fraudulence or to fears of being found straight world. However, there are different norms
out. Identity conflicts may also have a significant about parity, about sex, and about gender role func-
impact on attempts to explore couple relationships. tioning in the lesbian/gay world that the young
adult needs to learn. There are no resources for this
Eve is a 30-year-old woman who presented for knowledge other than the lesbian/gay communities,
therapy with confusion about her sexuality. She
given that parents certainly cannot help here. Dat-
had just recently ended a three-year relationship
ing and coupling can also be confounding when
with a woman. Although saddened by the loss, Eve
coupling partners are at different stages of identity
was relieved because she felt that it was much eas-
development. In these situations, it is helpful to
ier to be heterosexual than to be a lesbian. Eve was
not out at work, nor was she out to her family. At

encourage the couple to access support and social
work, she worried that she would be looked over connections in order to normalize some of the prob-
for promotions or she would lose her job if her lems and to reality-test about some negative as-
homosexuality were discovered. With regard to her sumptions about the lesbian/gay communities. It is
family. Eve wondered whether they knew at some also helpful for the therapist to remind the couple
level about her relationship with her ex-lover, but that the "enemy" is the larger homophobic culture
she was determined that she would never confirm that colors their emotional relational functioning,
She was not worried that her par-
their suspicions.
and not each other.
entswould cut her off if she came out to them, but
Conflict over a young adult child's homosexu-
she was anguished over the probability that they
ality can have second-order effects on the family.
would feel they had failed as parents. She stated,
"Why should I put them through any unnecessary
Parents may become so absorbed in their reactivity
that they lose track of other important processes
pain?" In terms of friendships. Eve had a few les-
bian friends, but she never felt able to discuss her such as the renegotiation of their own relationship,
struggle around accepting her sexuality. the recognition of the shifting roles and functioning
of older relatives, or reevaluation of their priorities
Eve's singlehood allowed her to pass as a het- for the next stage of life. In some cases, lesbian/gay
erosexual woman, was no other person to
for there young adults are forced out of the system because of
account for within her family and in her relation- unremitting conflict, and they are deprived of partic-
ships with co-workers. Moreover, there was no ipation in the restructuring of the family and in the
other person to push her to move further with her relevant rituals of families in later life (such as re-
identity struggle. tirement, the birth of grandchildren, or second-ca-
Schwartzberg, Berliner, and Jacob (1995) reer decisions of midlife parents). The reactivity
maintain that regardless of sexual orientation or typically faced by parents of young adult lesbians
gender, singlehood affects a person's place in soci- and gays is fairly similar to the experiences of les-
ety as well as in the family. For example, singles bian/gay adolescents. The only difference is that the
are often seen as eternal young adults who are still parents* ability to exert control over the child's life
not fully functioning adults. Thus, it may be easier has diminished, and at this point of life, their child is
for families to ignore their son or daughter's homo- fairly able to survive with or without their blessing.
sexuality when they are not coupled. The family Fortunately, many families are able to move through
may take the position that their child is "just going this process and find a way to accept and adjust to
their child's homosexuality; but some parents do However, this is easier said than done, given a
not, and denial remains a persisting stance (Cramer family's reactivity. The way in which a family re-
& Roach. 1988; Griffin,& Wirth,

Wirth. 1986; sponds to a daughter or son's homosexuality is
Johnson. 1992; Robinson. Walters, & Skeen, 1989). multiply determined. Variables such as the history
of a system's management of difference, the level
of systemic openness/ciosedness, and the degree
COUPLING
of differentiation of the members of the extended
Coupling is a life endeavor that is filled with com- system all affect the system's response. The family
plexity for all couples, straight or lesbian/gay. But reaction to a lesbian daughter or gay son's disclo-
there are issues that are unique to lesbian and gay sure and to her/his couple relationship is informed
couples that derive from the special nature of by all of these variables as is the daughter or son's
same-sex pairing and from the adaptation that les- response. In terms of couplehood, there are many
bian/gay couples make to a devaluing larger cul- parents who are genuinely happy about a lesbian/
ture. Specifically, there are no legal protections for gay child's finding a relationship and participate in
lesbian/gay couples and no set of socially pre- the celebration of the joining of the couple. For
scribed rituals to support and guide couple func- other families, their daughter or son's couplehood
tioning. However, there are couple issues that may serve as a living and breathing reminder of
lesbians and gays face in common with straight their child's homosexuality, which forces the fam-
couples: the influence of the family of origin, the ily to move out of a position of denial or distance
impact of other external systems such as minority and wrestle once again with their reactivity. Some
cultures and dominant culture, the prescriptions families take ultimatum positions and standoff po-
supplied by gender socialization, and the decision sitions such as not allowing their child's partner in
about whether or not to have children. their home. In extreme cases, some families may
Like all couples, lesbians and gays are subject utilize a cut-off. Bowen (1978) maintains that the
to the effects of family of origin relationships. Very family response will have an effect on the couple
rarely, however, do we speak, read, or hear about relationship. For example, a cut-off may create
lesbians or gay men in an extended family context tension and conflict around separation in a couple,
(Laird, 1996). We believe that the family of origin as the disengaged member "puts all their eggs in
is the most powerful emotional system in a lesbian/ the basket" of the couple relationship.
gay life as it is in a heterosexual one. In terms of
couple relationships, the family of origin provides Nadine and Lee had been together for about two
a blueprint for life and sets the stage for the ways in years w hen they presented for couples therapy. Na-
which people connect and relate (Carter & Orfani- dine reported that Lee would become anxiety-rid-
den whenever Nadine was involved in separate
dis. 1976).
activities orwould ask for "space" for herself. Lee
According to Bowen systems theory (Bowen,
explained that Nadine was her prime source of re-
1978), the ability of partners in all couple relation-
lationship in that she had left her home in the sub-
ships to develop and maintain authentic relation-
urbs to live with Nadine in the city. She also
ships with the family of origin is crucial for the
explained that she had not seen her siblings or her
well-being and satisfaction of the couple. This is
mother in about fifteen years because of conflicts
no less important for lesbian and gay couples. over her homosexuality. Lees three young adult
Iasenza, Colucci, and Rothberg ( 1996) write, "dis- sons had also become enraged at her for moving in
closing and integrating one"s lesbian identity into with Nadine, and she stopped speaking with them.
one's family of origin is necessary for an individ-
ual to develop authentic, differentiated relation- It is important to note that many of Bowen's
ships with family members" (p. 125). Obviously, premises have been subject to a feminist critique
this also applies to gay men. (Laird. 1993; Lupenitz. 1988), which claims that
—
352 CHAPTER 20
his ideas are gender-biased. Unfortunately. Bowen These norms are discussed in the literature (Bias-
never discussed the fact that women are socialized band & Peplau, 1985; Kurdek & Schmitt, 1985-
to be adaptive and deferential to others, not consid- 1986) but are not well known, especially by straight
ering their own needs and values first. This, of therapists. Naturally, a reactive response by the
course, is the very definition of lack of differentia- therapist to non-monogamous contracts would have
tion. Similarly, Laird (1993) and Green. Bettinger. a negative impact on the clients, so it is important
and Zacks (1996) challenge the notion that family for the clinician to be open to the couple's view-
of origin adaptations make or break couple rela- points regarding monogomy, and to reflect criti-
tionships for lesbian couples. However, as Laird cally on his or her own biases and values.
notes (1993, 1996), the family of origin relation- Many lesbians and gays belong to other mi-
ship certainly represents an important theme in the nority communities aside from the homosexual
stories of lesbian and gay couples and an important one. For example, lesbians and gays of color man-
source of stress for these couples to master. age multiple loyalties and may not necessarily
The external system of the larger dominant hold their lesbian/gay identity as primary. Other
culture also wields considerable importance in les- cultures may have strong prohibitions about homo-
bian/gay coupling. Stories about the impact of ha- sexuality that at times place the lesbian or gay man
rassment, anti-lesbian/gay violence, and exclusion of color in a difficult bind: Does she or he affiliate
from key legal protections and entitlements (e.g. with lesbian or gay communities and run the risk
domestic partner benefits) are unfortunately abun- of losing family support which represents the loss
dantly available. The discriminatory practices and of an important lifeline when living in a hostile
threats influence the couple process in anumber dominant culture? This dilemma may arise dra-
of ways. For example, Krestan and Bepko 1980) ( matically in a couple relationship, particularly in
noted that these dangers bring a couple closer in a an interracial relationship, when the couple must
"two-against-the-world" adaptation that leaves struggle with the issue of how visible/invisible to
them at risk for fusion. Other clinicians (Mencher. be in the context of the extended family and the mi-
1990) maintain that this cohesion is a functional nority community.
response that shores up couple survival and Gender socialization also plays a part in les-
strength. Other clinicians contend that societal ho- bian and gay couples. Blumstein and Schwartz's
mophobia has a divisive effect and serves as an (1983) landmark study of homosexual, lesbian,
undermining force that can drive couples apart and gay couples and how they handle the core is-
(Johnson & Keren. 1996; Krestan & Bepko, 1980). sues of couple life — money, work, and sex
Surrounding lesbian/gay communities also points to the influence of gender scripts in all rela-
plan an important part in lesbian/gay coupling. tionships. For example, theremarked differ-
is a
Some literature underscores the supportive func- ence between lesbian couples and gay male
tion of the surrounding lesbian/gay community couples in terms of power distribution. Lesbian
(Weston, 1991); other literature indicates that the couples depart from the dominant culture formula
lesbian/gay communities may have shifting posi- for couples that "money = power." which histori-
tions about sexually exclusive couple relationships cally has given authority to heterosexual men be-
that may be antagonistic to committed coupling cause of their higher wage-earning privilege.
(Johnson & Keren, 1996; Krestan & Bepko, 1980). Blumstein and Schwartz found that the balance of
Some of the norms of the lesbian/gay community power in lesbian couples is not determined by ei-
also affect couple process. For example, there have ther woman's income, since the female couples
been varying norms in the gay community about strive for equality in their couplehood. Roth (1989)
monogamy (Green et al.. 1996; Johnson & Keren, reports that lesbian couples make all sorts of cre-
1996) that affect the contracts that male couples ative and intricate financial arrangements to avoid
establish around sexual openness or exclusivity. power imbalances in decision making and plan-
LESBIANS. GAY MEN, AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 353
ning. However, further study with a more contem- continuing to live with him. He felt that co-owning
porary sample is warranted to determine whether property was too complicated. He also was at a
these findings still hold up. loss in terms of explaining to his family who James
was. If he was the sole proprietor of the house, he
would feel more in control of himself and his fam-
Stacey and Maureen have lived together in a com-
ily. He felt he could then run his life the way he
mitted relationship for ten years. Theirs had always
wanted to.
been a two-income household until recently, when
Maureen decided to go back to school. The agree-
ment was that Stacey would financially support the In their findings about sex, Blumstein and
household Maureen completed her studies.

until Schwartz (1983) reported that sexual frequency
Upon earning her degree, Maureen would work and and compatibility were not important factors in re-
Stacey would leave her teaching position to pursue lationship satisfaction for lesbian and gay couples,
a career in writing. Although both women had ac- in comparison to heterosexual couples. Norms re-
cess to a joint account, Maureen felt compelled to garding sex were different. For example, outside
ask Stacey for money and had a difficult time doing
sexual encounters were not associated with rela-
so. She often found herself "'without a dime." This
tional difficulties in male couples. Kurdek and
was very stressful for Maureen, and the couple
Schmitt (1985-86) as well as Blasband and Peplau
began to argue. Upon learning the source of Mau-
reen's stress, the couple set up a "cookie jar" (1985) supported Blumstein and Schwartz's find-
system. There was always enough money in the ings that nonmonogamy in male couples was not
cookie jar if either member of the couple ran short necessarily a signal of couple dysfunction. Blum-
throughout the week. This allowed Maureen to go stein and Schwartz offer the following explanation:
to their pooled assets instead of to Stacey, which For gay men, like all men following traditional gen-
decreased her anxiety tremendously. der scripting, sex can be recreational as well as re-
lational, and "outside sex" may not necessarily
Money and power are also a source of tension
have the same negative valence and be threatening
for gay men. Men are accustomed to earning their
to a couple relationship from a male perspective.
own income, controlling their own purse-strings,
Similarly, Blumstein and Schwartz found that les-
and making their own decisions (Blumstein & bian couples had a lower rate of sexual frequency
Schwartz, 1983). In fact, as in heterosexual cou-
compared to the other couples, but this was not as-
ples, in male couples, the higher income earner of-
sociated with couple dissatisfaction. A critique of
ten holds more power in the system.
Blumstein and Schwartz's research (Frye. 1987;
Loulan, 1987) maintains that the examiners used
James and David had been in acommitted rela-
phallocentric criteria to measure sexual functioning
tionship for seven years. David was not out to his
family, while James was out and accepted by all
and that perhaps nongenital intimacy was an impor-
family members. The couple decided to buy a tant but unmeasured aspect of sexual functioning
house six years into their relationship. Up to that for the female couples in the study. However,
point, David's family thought that he lived alone. Blumstein and Schwartz's premise for this finding
Upon buying the house, trouble emerged in the was again, as for male couples, a gender socializa-
couple. David began having sex with other men, in women our culture are not
tion perspective: that in
spite of their agreement on monogamy. The argu-
socialized to be sexual initiators and that this effect
ing and tension betw een the couple escalated to the
is potentiated when two women couple. It is impor-
point at which they came into therapy, feeling con-
tant to note here that Blumstein and Schwartz col-
fident mat the relationship would probably end.
Eventually. David revealed that he had made a "big
lected their data in the 1970s; the results may be
mistake" in purchasing die home with James. He quite different now, a situation that argues for the
wanted to buy James out. and maintain the rela- importance of a replication of their study with a
tionship as die sole owner of the home, with James 1990s sample.
354 CHAPTER 20
PARENTING her anger at the doctor. Mary began to think that
perhaps they were making a mistake.

There are up to 5 million lesbian mothers and up to
3 million gay fathers in the United States (Patter- There are physicians who will work with les-
son. 1992). This figure includes children born to bian couples only if they choose to use frozen
mothers and fathers who had previously been in sperm from a sperm bank. These conditions place
heterosexual relationships. Over the past ten years, lesbians in a disempowered position, with the phy-
however, more and more lesbians and gay men are sician superimposing her or his ethics and morals
choosing to have children either as single parents on the couple.
or within the context of their couple relationship. Some lesbians and gay men decide to conceive
This recent baby boom poses new challenges for a child together (through a variety of methods) as an
lesbians and gay men. opposite-sex pair and to share the experience of
The challenge commences for lesbian/gay parenting together. There are no role or relational
couples, as for heterosexual ones, during the initial prescriptions for such family constellations, leaving
negotiation and decision-making period of having the process open for the parenting team to develop
children. However, there are some issues that are their own personally constructed family of creation
unique to the lesbian/gay couple. For example, nu- system (Weston, 1991 ). However, the families of or-
merous options are available for expanding one's igin of the parenting team need extensive support,
family either as a single adult or as a couple: alter- information, and space for emotional ventilation in
native insemination with a known or an unknown integrating this alternative family constellation. The
donor, conceiving with a donor who will or will not families may lag behind their lesbian/gay family
assume a co-parenting role, domestic or foreign members in appreciating the validity of revised and
adoption, and developing a contract with a surro- reconstructed norms for family life.
gate. Selecting a method from a wealth of alterna- In terms of adoption, there is also consider-
tives for bringing a child into a family is a challenge able work for pre-parents in contending with cul-
that most heterosexuals do not encounter, except tural homophobia. For example, many adoption
for couples dealing with infertility and single het- agencies will not work with lesbian or gay individ-
erosexuals. Lesbians who choose the route of alter- uals. Some are overtly homophobic, and others
native insemination, with the aid of a physician, will discourage lesbians and gay men from apply-
must be very careful in selecting a fertility special- ing to their agency.
ist, since there are many physicians who still dis-
criminate against lesbians having children. Judy and Shelly had tried for several years to have
a child. Shelly was unable to carry children for
Mary and Jean had been together for ten years be- medical reasons, and Judy, after several months of
fore deciding to have a child. They decided to con- alternative insemination, was not able to conceive.
sult a fertility expert in their community who had The couple decided that they would let go of the
an excellent reputation in terms of medically as- idea of Judy getting pregnant and adopt a child.
sisting women to achieve pregnancy. In the initial The) decided to apply for international adoption.
consultation, when they identified themselves as a Judy and Shelly thought that it made sense to work
same sex couple, the doctor questioned whether with the same adoption agency as Shelly's brother
the couple had really thought this through. She lec- and sister-in-law. who had adopted a child three
tured mat it was okay for them to be in a commit- years earlier. The director of the agency was very
ted relationship, but was it fair to bring a child into warm and inviting when Shelly made the initial
it? Man. and Jean were devastated. They had call. When Shelly informed the director that she
worked hard and long to achieve a positive identity and her partner were lesbians, the director imme-
as individuals and as a couple and had been able diately discouraged Shelly from applying to the
to develop positive extended-family relationships agency. She said that the agency did not work with
over the vears. While Jean was able to externalize lesbians and hung up on Shelly.
Couples choosing to adopt must also decide people know and be done with it" kind of affair.
who will be named by the courts as the legally Families often need time to integrate their child's
adoptive parent. In 1995. New York became only homosexuality into the system. Therefore, for les-
the third state, after Vermont and Massachusetts, bians and gay men, coming out to the family
whose highest court recognizes the right of unmar- should precede expanding one's nuclear family.
ried homosexual and heterosexual couples to adopt Ideally, this will prepare families to embrace their
children. new granddaughter or grandson with more open

Selecting the parenting method is only the arms.
first step in the lesbian or gay man's parenting In terms of second-order family process, the
journey. Other relational complexities need to be role of the biological or adoptive parent is clear.
addressed. For lesbian couples who choose alter- However, the nonbiological or nonadoptive par-
native insemination there are options in terms of ent's role is often blurred. Slater (1995) writes that
who will become pregnant. For many couples, the the lack of legal protection and the lack of roles and
decision is influenced by the age of each partner, language leave lesbian and gay families vulnerable
the health care benefits, the career development to intrusion and invalidation. For example, there is
and income level of each partner, and each part- no universal language in the lesbian/gay commu-
ner's health status. Some couples choose for both nity for figuring out what to call the nonbiological
partners to become pregnant at the same time or nonadoptive parent, or determining how to refer
(Martin. 1993) or sequentially. For couples choos- to the co-parent's family of origin. Each family unit
ing the surrogacy route, there are relational tasks to is unique in how they refer to their family and what
tackle. For example, a major decision for the male the child will call them. For example, one family
couple choosing this route revolves around decid- may choose "Daddy" and "Papa"; another family
ing whose sperm to use. Like lesbian couples may choose to have the child call both parents by
choosing pregnancy, gay couples must sort their first names. Couples may select a name that is
through each partner's personal investment in con- symbolic to the individual or couple. Grandparents
ception. In addition, practical factors such as the might also experience confusion in how to refer to
morphology and motility of the sperm have to be themselves in relation to the grandchild and know-
considered. ing what, in fact, their role to the child is. They may
The reaction of a family of origin to the news struggle with what to call themselves if they are the
of a grandchild is usually a joyous moment for all, parents of the nonbiological or nonadoptive parent.
but this is not always the case in lesbian and gay The nonbiological grandparents may fear that they
families. A baby can bring up concerns about in- will not have access to the child if the couple sepa-
creased visibility for the lesbian/gay member or rates, and may distance themselves as a means of
for the extended family. For some families, this is protection.
the first time they talk out loud about their child's Given all of this complexity, it is very impor-
homosexuality and thus have to negotiate from tant that all lesbian and gay individuals seek legal
square one about their unresolved reactivity to counsel before or shortly after a child arrives in
their child's stigmatized sexuality. Many families their lives. As Martin 1993) ( maintains, it is not il-
embrace their child and her/his partner but do not legal for lesbians and gay men to have families
have a clue about how and what to tell friends and with children; however, they are not legally recog-
neighbors in terms of the baby. And of course, nized as families. Children are still removed from
there are families that will accept their child and their lesbian/gay parents' homes because of their
her or his partner openly and lovingly and look for- parents' sexuality. And there is no built in legal
ward to the arrival of their grandchild. protection for the nonbiological or nonadoptive
It is important to note here that the coming-out parent. However, lesbian and gay couples can take
process for lesbians and gays is not a one-time "let measures to safeguard their families legally. For
356 CHAPTER 20
example, in some states, second-parent adoption bers; (2) recasting family process and norms as
rights are being pursued through court decisions. young adults leave home, as various members age,
Consultation with a local lesbian/gay community and as other members dies; (3) re-visioning the
center can provide information about lawyers who self to suit the vicissitudes of midlife and later life;
are well prepared for these judicial undertakings. (4) adapting to changes regarding work and in-
Because there are so many potential stresses come for aging family members; (5) adjusting to
and strains for lesbian/gay families, a great deal of loss; and (6) addressing concerns about generativ-
anxiety wells up in the dominant culture about the ity and legacy, which include adaptation to grand-
welfare of the children raised in these homes. Patter- parenthood in many families.
son (1996) studied child development in lesbian Some of these tasks and processes are less rel-
families, and her results indicate that child develop- evant for or are handled differently in various fam-
ment proceeds normally in lesbian households. ilies because of diversity in terms of race, culture,
Only recently have researchers begun to study the and class. For example, a poor or working-class
parenting styles of gay fathers and their relation- older adult may not have the luxury of addressing
ships with their children (Bigner, 1996; Dunne. the re-visioning of self because his or her time and
1987). energy are spent in making ends meet or in helping
stress and strain
Because of the potential for younger generations with financial pressures. In
due homophobia and heterosexism, it is
to cultural other families, launching may not be as dramatic a
important that lesbians and gay men who either point of family punctuation as it is in white Euro-
have children or are thinking about having children pean families. In other cultures, role prescriptions
join community support groups composed of other are so defined and compelling that there really is
lesbians and gay men who have the same goal. In no role or task negotiation process. Considerable
addition to providing of support to one another, research has been published about this cross-
these networks also serve as a valuable source of cultural perspective on aging (see Johnson, 1995 for
information. a review). There is also variation in family's adap-
It is crucial to recognize here that infertility is tation to the aging process when a family member
as compelling an issue in the lesbian/gay commu- is lesbian or gay. Four themes are important in un-
nity as it is in the heterosexual world (Brown, derstanding the unique lesbian and gay issues.
1991). However, there are issues that are unique to The history of the lesbian/gay person's rela-
lesbians and gay men dealing with infertility, such tionship with the family is a key theme. Families
as the lack of support from the family as well as and their gay and lesbian members adapt to each
from the larger system because of cultural resis- other over time with a broad variety of arrangements
tance to lesbian/gay parenthood. In addition, be- (Johnson, 1992). Some lesbian/gay family members
cause of the novelty of the lesbian/gay baby boom, split their lives into the gay life and the straight life
resources and support in the lesbian and gay com- and never disclose their true sexuality to family. In-
munities around this issue may be limited. Support cluded in this group are married lesbians and gays
groups for lesbians and gay men with fertility who maintain underground homosexual lives. Other
problems need to be developed. lesbian/gay members disclose fully, but their fami-
lies never adjust or accept beyond an adaptation of
denial and cut-off. Still other lesbians and gays are
MIDLIFE/LATER LIFE
fortunate enough to have families that accept and
Walsh (1988) provides a thorough picture of the accommodate. And many lesbians and gay men
tasks that lie before a multigenerational system maintain relationships with families that are some-
dealing with the aging of its members. She indi- where between the last two styles of adaptation.
cates that families meet the following challenges at History on a broader sociocultural level also
this point in life: ( 1 ) launching young adult mem- plays an influential part in the family history of the
older lesbian/gay member. For example, before imer's disease. A longstanding distance is violated
the lesbian/gay liberation marker of the Stonewall with the intimacy that is required in this kind of
Riots in 1969, many lesbians and gays led "lives of caregiving. Or an older lesbian might not think of
quiet nonconformity" (Kimmel & Sang, 1995, accessing family support after a diagnosis of can-
p. 190), in which there were numerous dangers cer if she is used to counting on her friends for care
and hurdles in disclosing one's sexuality to family, rather than her siblings. Renewed contact with the
friends, and co-workers. Most midlife and older les- family may stir up unresolved battles and wounds
bians and gays in the 1990s reached sexual maturity for ever>one in the family.
before Stonewall, so their lesbian/gay narratives
may be more colored by secrecy and privacy about
Max, a gay man in his late seventies, had never dis-
closed his sexuality to anyone over the course of
their sexuality, especially in terms of family rela-
his life. He worked in a large urban area but lived
tionships, than those of their younger counterparts.
in the country with his elderly parents until they
The family of choice also is an important vari-
died. His experience with the gay world consisted
able in understanding a gay son or lesbian daugh-
of anonymous sexual encounters with men, and his
ter's historical relationship with the family of origin. life revolved around work and caring for his immi-
Literature on lesbian/gay aging reports that many grant parents. In later life, his brother and his
midlife and older lesbians and gays rely heavily on a nephew began to pursue a closer relationship w ith
network of close friends when it comes to providing him. This intensified after he suffered a heart at-
and receiving instrumental and emotional assistance tack in that they wanted to help him more w ith his
(Friend, 1991; Kehoe. 1989; Kimmel & Sang, 1995; day-to-day burdens. Max was used to indepen-
Reid. 1995: Tully, 1989). Weston (1991) refers to

dence and self-sufficiency, and with some guilt, he
resisted his family's overtures. His primary physi-
this network as the "chosen family." This system
cian pressured him to give up some of the chores
may serve as the figure in a midlife lesbian or gay
he performed in his large old farmhouse and to
man's life while the family of origin remains as the
allow the family to help. Unresolved anxiety and
ground. However, it is important to recognize that
shame about his homosexuality emerged.
figure/ground relationships are not static; they can
shift back and forth over a lifetime. Max's self-sufficiency and independence are con-
Chosen families may exert as much claim upon sistent with what the literature describes about les-
a lesbian or gay man's loyalty as the family of ori- bians and gays in midlife and later life (Friend.
gin, and they may supply resources and support that 1991; Reid, 1995). However, the same literature
are missing from traditional family relationships. also suggests that lesbians and gays who have
The frequency with which chosen families have managed to achieve a positive identity fare better
been primary caregivers to gays and lesbians with as they age. Max's rigidity and anxiety probably
serious illness such as AIDS or breast cancer offers relate in large part to his continuing internalized
a striking example of this point. homophobia.

One possible net effect of the complexity of A second theme with regard to lesbian/gay ag-
negotiating family acceptance when the support ing in the family context is the invisibility of mile-
provided by the family of choice may be so much stones in the lesbian/gay family member's life.
easier to obtain is the development of distance and Given the marginalization of homosexuality by the
formal relatedness in family of origin relation- larger culture and the frequency with which de
ships. However, the aging process may disrupt this facto segregation occurs between the heterosexual
stable distant family functioning. For example, a and lesbian/gay communities, the family of origin
gay man. long accustomed to an emotionally and ma\ have little understanding of the importance of
geographically separate life from his family, may some of the events that typically occur in lesbian/
face disorientation and anxiety when called upon gay later life. Lesbian/gay loss and widowhood
to help in the care of an elderly parent with Alzhe- stand as striking examples of this point. Families
358 CHAPTER 20
may have little appreciation of the enormity of loss Tony had always been the most responsible of the
faced by a middle-aged gay man who has buried three sons in his family. He and his lover of ten
years were typically the hosts of family celebra-

scores of friends throughout the AIDS crisis. One
of us (TJ) worked with a gay man in his forties who
tions and holidays. When his father suffered a
heart attack and underwent coronary bypass sur-
had lived in a stable triad relationship for many
gery, his mother became profoundly depressed and
years. Both lovers died from AIDS, and the man
unable to help her husband in his recovery. The
was immobilized with grief. However, his family move
family elected Tony to in temporarily to help
was unable to provide emotional support. Even in the parents. Their rationale was that his brothers
the more traditional situation of couple relation- were married and had families to look after and
ships, many gay men report the absence of family that Tony really had no other claims on him. Tony
of origin members at funeral services and memo- felt frustrated with the relentless burden of his
rial services for deceased lovers. Stories are legion overresponsible position in the family but also be-
in the lesbian/gay communities about families came infuriated at the family's disqualification of
marginalizing a lesbian or gay lover when a family his couple relationship.
member dies.
The fourth theme —legacy— applies to both
Lily had lived with her lover Eileen for twenty the family and the lesbian/gay member. Because
years. When Eileen died, her siblings took charge families may be unaware of the circumstances
of the funeral arrangements and assumed that they of a lesbian/gay member's life, or because they may
would be the executors of her estate. Lily and Ei- devalue that member's life, there may be consider-
leen had never formally spoken of their relation-
able worry for elderly parents about what will hap-
ship in either of their families, and the families
pen to their lesbian/gay children after their deaths.
categorized the relationship as "close friends" or
If the son or daughter is seen as eternally unat-
"roommates." Lily felt paralyzed when Eileen's
family began to talk about identifying which of the
tached, the parent may not appreciate the level of
couple's furniture and artwork belonged to Eileen

support provided by a chosen family or by a lover.
and would be part of their inherited estate. Some parents also feel anguish over the issue of
the continuity of the family beyond the current
A third theme is intergenerational responsibil- generation. This issue has probably been allayed
ity. Caregiving is the key issue here. As was noted for some parents because of the recent lesbian/gay
earlier, when an elderly parent becomes frail and in baby boom. However, many lesbian and gay peo-
need of closer support, the family's stable distance ple still choose not to have children, and generativ-
regulation patterns may begin to shift. For exam- ity issues may emerge for these individuals in
ple, an older sister who has been the primary care- midlife as well as for their parents in later life.
giver of an elderly father who was severely Related to the generativity issue, Laird
disabled by a series of strokes may need her (1993), Siegel and Lowe (1994), and Slater (1995)
younger lesbian sister to provide respite help. The talk about the multigenerational nature of the les-
younger sister may have maintained distance from bian/gay community and how generativity needs
her family because of unresolved conflict about may be met through mentorship to younger lesbi-
her homosexuality. The request for her assistance ans and gays as well as through the community.
may stir up anxiety not only in the younger sister, The lesbian/gay member may also leave behind an
but also in the rest of the family. In other families, important legacy for future generations in the fam-
a lesbian or gay member is assumed to be an unat- ily of origin: Her or his survival may serve as a
tached single adult no matter who is in their life touchstone for future family members who feel
and no matter how old they are. Families may as- "different" or "other" in various ways. Her or his
sume that this member is always available for care- life gives a map and a set of narratives in charting
giving crisis. how a family handles otherness in both functional
LESBIANS, GAY MEN, AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 359
and dysfunctional ways. The lesbian/gay aging lit- tionships took place invisibly, and families rarely
erature suggest that lesbians and gay men have a spoke out loud about their members' homosexual-
fairly high rate of successful aging (Friend, 1991; ity. Now the emotional and familial connections
Kehoe. 1989; Kimmel & Sang. 1995). Confronting maintained by lesbians and gays are no longer
the strictures of homophobia and heterosexism located underground. There is greater visibility
leaves the lesbian/gay person with considerable about their couple relationships, their parenting
flexibility, self-determination, creativity, indepen- experiences, and their struggle to integrate within
dence, and crisis competence (Friend, 1991). The their families of origin. The stories of lesbian/gay
older lesbian/gay family member may stand not adolescents, the midlife same-sex couple, or the
only as an emblem of survival in the face of preju- older lesbian woman or gayman are more public
dice and adversity, but also as a model for success- as are the stories of their many families. However,
ful aging. the mental health establishment must run to catch
up with these people, and the task of becoming

competent and informed in helping them is an
CONCLUSION
arduous one for it involves reevaluating and re-
Lesbians and gays have always been members of casting some cherished norms about family and re-
families —whether the families in which they were lational life while holding onto some others. But
reared or the families that they created. And lesbi- herein lies the joy and suffering of postmodern
ans and gays, like all people, have filled their lives life: When the truth is up for grabs, life can be ter-
with connection. However, in the past, their rela- rifying but also simultaneously liberating.
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1
Chapter 2
THE SINGLE ADULT AND THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
KATHY BERLINER
DEMAR1S JACOB
NATALIE SCHWARTZBERG
Although most people marry at some point in their take precedence over that of wife or mother are
lives, the numbers of those who do not are increas- very real.
ing. In the 1970 adult (over age 18) population of When single people describe their lives as ful-
the United States, 19 percent of men and 14 per- filling, then, it is often with surprise or in the face
cent of women had never been married. By 1994, of subtle disapproval. One impediment in thinking
these percentages rose to 27 percent and 20 percent, about single life as good is the notion that accom-
respectively (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1995). plishing marriage is itself a life task. While mar-
Even when marriage does occur, factors such as riage is one of life's big milestones, problems arise
delayed marriages, a close to 50 percent divorce when people regard marriage as the next step nec-
rate and longer life expectancy mean that more essary for the unfolding of adult life. If not getting
people than ever before live singly during the married is seen as evidence of deviance, then mar-
course of their life. The 1994 census indicates that ital status becomes the pivotal definer of normalcy.
about 40 percent of adults (over 1 8) were either un- The single person may become frozen, waiting for
married, divorced, or widowed. Singlehood has marriage, not moving forward with the business of
generally been regarded as a transitional period be- life. Our framework attempts to remove marriage
tween families, and we lack well-developed no- as the centerpiece of adulthood but at the same
tions of the different requirements of living on time recognizes the impact of living a life that de-
one's own at different phases of life. We need a viates from the socially prescribed path.
sense of the emotional and developmental flow of We have tried to grasp the experience of living
the lives of people (and their families) who are sin- life singly, without children or a live-in romantic
gle for long periods of time. partner, and validate the experiences of those who
We must find a way to think about singlehood may marry at some later time, those who choose
that is not about the failure to marry but validates to be single, those who may rear children without
the single experience as what it is —one way to live partners, and those who simply happen to find
life. Our culture has a distinct bias toward marriage. themselves single at times in their lives when they
The media, for example, often continue to portray had not imagined they would be. Most of what we
single people as silly (as in Seinfeld) or vulnerable present is relevant to gay and lesbian single people.
(as in Single White Female) (see Schwartzberg, The intense homophobia of our society has such
Berliner, & Jacob, 1995, Chapter 2). Pressures on a profound impact, however, that additional emo-
men to demonstrate maturity through marriage and tional issues and developmental phases overlay
on women to believe that no self-definition should those that heterosexual single people deal with.
362
THE SINGLE ADULT AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 363
SETTING THE CLINICAL STAGE Marriage and the Family of Origin
In working with clients who are distressed by their Marriage has important functions in the structure
single status, therapists must recognize the impact of the family of origin. It is the way to perpetuate
of the dominant cultural, therapeutic, and family names, rituals, and family lineage. In the ongoing
messages that divide single people from the com- life of the family, marriage initiates the realign-
munity of adults. The therapeutic frame needs to ment of relationships between parent and child
include an understanding of the contexts that ele- (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989). It signals a success-
vate marriage and denigrate singlehood. The main ful end to the rearing of children and defines new
contexts influencing people's judgments about sin- boundaries between generations. When marriage
glehood are messages from the larger society, mul- doesn't occur in the expected time frame, a grid-
tigenerational themes in the family, ethnicity, and lock in the unfolding of family life may occur,
gender. Because the impact of gender on the expe- leaving parents and the single adult struggling to
rience of singlehood varies with age, gender differ- find other ways to mark adulthood. This process
ences are included within each life cycle phase. has historically been more difficult for daughters,
who only recently are being raised to have an adult
role outside of marriage (McGoldrick, 1989).
Marriage as Social Empowerment
Marriage is an empowering institution that creates Multigenerational Themes. The meaning of

an automatic status change for both men and marriage and singlehood in each family is best
women in the family of origin, in religious and so- viewed from the perspective of at least three gen-
cietal organizations, and in the perception of self. erations. The highly conflictual or abusive mar-
It provides public acknowledgment of movement riage of an emotionally important ancestor, for
to responsible adulthood and participation in the example, may continue to ripple its "marriage
ongoing history of family and society. Not being meaning" through time. Marital events such as di-
part of that institution is often experienced as loss vorce are also pertinent. Parents may worry that
of social legitimacy. As one 50-year-old divorced their divorce is influencing their child's ability to
Jewish woman put it, "I became a second-class cit- wed, or unresolved issues from the divorce may
izen overnight." perpetuate a reactivity that either romanticizes or
The importance of marriage, and conversely damns marriage. Lastly, what have been the role
societal discomfort with singlehood, varies with models for living a satisfying single life? How
political climate. The emotional power of the code have single people been viewed?
phrase "family values" gives a clear message today When reactivity around marriage/singlehood
that those who live outside a heterosexual marriage interlocks with other generational legacies, the
are outside the fabric of American life itself. We impact will be even more powerful (Carter &
haven't come all that far: this is reminiscent of life McGoldrick, 1989). Family sensitivity to a theme
in the 1950s, when the postwar culture also ele- of underresponsibility in men. for example, may
vated marriage, the family, and family consumer- greatly intensify pressure on sons to demonstrate
ism (Coontz, 1992). responsible manhood through marriage.
Furthermore, community and religious life is
structured to a great degree around passages of life Ethnic Variations. A family's attitude toward
created by marriage and parenthood. A christening. singlehood is also shaped by ethnicity (the con-
a Bar or Bat mitzvah. confirmation, graduations verging threads of economic, religious, and racial
these are the events that are celebrated. Single peo- history)- The Irish have had a greater tolerance
ple participate, but the main story will always be for singlehood than almost any other group
about someone else's family. (McGoldrick. 1996). Marriage was viewed not as
—
364 CHAPTER 21
a framework for self-fulfillment but rather for cycle phases and tasks are based on life's chrono-
parenting, often bringing economic hardship in the logical milestones and the shifts in issues, possibil-
wake of increasing numbers of children (Diner, ities, and relationship to family and future that
1983). For women, the church not the family— getting older brings. Our intent is to provide path-
had historically been the center of community life ways for growth and movement in a relatively un-
(McGoldrick, 1996). charted land.
In the American Black community, economic At each phase of adulthood, single people still
disadvantage, the high mortality and incarceration need to confront the expectation of marriage, be-
rates of men, and continued oppression have had a cause it remains the norm; cope with having an un-
profound effect on marriage rates (Staples, 1988). realized goal if marriage is desired; and understand
According to 1994 data, Black Americans have the the impact of living a life that deviates from the
lowest rate of marriage of any American cultural norm. There will be considerable variation in indi-
group. 42.4 percent of adult Black men and 36.2 vidual timing of negotiating issues, in the overlap
percent of Black women report themselves never of some issues from one age to the next, and in the
married (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1995). While fact that not all issues emerge for all people.
an expansive notion of kinship and connection to The stages of the single adult life cycle are as
wider community (Franklin, 1988) creates more follows:
roles for a single person, marriage continues to be
The twenties
preferred to singlehood as a way of embracing le-
1. Restructuring interaction and boundaries with
gitimacy in the mainstream society (Heiss, 1988).
family from dependent to independent orienta-
When life's core is the family, pressure to
tion.
marry intensifies. Jews, for example, have a reli-
2. Finding a place for oneself in the world outside
gious imperative to "be fruitful and multiply."
Their history of genocide increases the urgency for
the family — in work, friendships, and love.
marriage and family (Rosen & Weltman, 1996). The thirties

One Jewish saying goes: "There is no such thing as 1. Facing single status.
being single, just not-yet-married." 2. Expanding life goals to embrace possibilities in

Understanding your client's legacies regard- addition to marriage, including child-rearing.
ing marital status (e.g., the available roles for
Midlife (forties to midfifties)
unmarried men and women, the flexibility of
1. Addressing the "ideal family" fantasy to accept
pathways to adulthood, the meaning of marriage as
the possibility of never marrying and the prob-
a rite of passage and of family continuity) is essen-
ability of never having biological children.
tial. Therapists will be less likely to impose then-
2. Redefining the meaning of work.
own cultural biases, and clients can approach fam-
3. Defining an authentic life that can be estab-
ily of origin issues innew ways. Clients who are
lished within single status.
fixated on marriage may see these explorations as
4. Establishing an adult role within the family of
digressions; therapeutic finesse lies in respecting
origin.
clients' perceptions while making larger perspec-
tives relevant. Later life (fifties to when health fails)
1. Consolidating decisions in work life.
2. Enjoying the freedom and autonomy of single-

THE SINGLE PERSON'S LIFE CYCLE
hood.
Single people often have difficulty locating them- 3. Acknowledging and planning for the future
selves in the flow of "normal life"; they (and their diminishment of physical abilities.
families) are unclear what the next step is when 4. Facing increasing illness and death of loved
marriage and/or childbirth don't occur. Our life ones.
The Twenties: Not Yet Married see marriage as a replacement for the need to earn
money (Staples & Johnson. 1993 I.
The complex emotional work of the young adult

Young women who lack the possibility of ful-
launching from the family of origin and finding
filling jobs move toward marriage or procreation
a place for herself or himself in the world is pre-
as the next step earlier than do those preparing for
sented elsewhere; here, we w ill highlight the issues
a career. Conversely, young men w ith limited job
and experience of singlehood.
opportunities whose ability to assume the eco-
People usually assume that marriage will take
nomic mantle of husband is minimal may avoid
place and that finding a mate is part of the "work"
marriage.
of the twenties. The young adult's gender, class,
ethnicity, and sexual orientation will shape the vi-
Marriage as a Premature Solution. Young adults
sion each young adult has of what can lie in store.
may enter marriage as a premature solution to the
When the central emphasis of the young adult
central emotional work of negotiating an adult self
period is on preparing for a career and developing
within the family of ongin or as a way to escape in-
a sense of self, concern about finding a mate will
tense intergenerational conflict in the home. When
be low. In cultures in which universal and early
children cannot afford to leave and establish their
marriage is expected, however, or when career op-
own territory or when parents expect their children
portunities are limited and/or young people do not
to live at home until marriage, the conflict between
have the money for prolonged career preparation, a
generations can escalate greatly.
focus on marriage or child-rearing as the next step
Therapy may involve helping the young client
may arise earlier.
and his or her family postpone a precipitous mar-
riage that only detours or triangulates the emo-
Gender Differences. The largest gender differ-
tional work of negotiating an adult self through
ence at this phase is the perception of the impact of
the spouse. Renegotiating new boundaries w ithout
achievement on marriageability. Men know that
marriage is difficult work, however, when posi-
increased status will only be an enhancement,
tions are rigid and conflict is intense.
while women believe that achievement w ill dimin-
ish their chances for marriage (Faludi. 1991).
Establishing Relationships outside the Family.
When messages from society and family equate
Friendships and love relationships outside the fam-
concentrating on career with lowering one's mar-
ily supply the emotional foundation for emerging
riageability, singlehood anxiety and conflict about
independence and the development of an adult self.
the next life step can become intense by the late
twenties. These feelings are illustrated in Betsy
When friendships are taken seriousK. as they should
Israel's article in Mirabella (1996). in which she

be — not viewed as transitional to marriage — there
is less tendency to invest all one's emotional en-
writes:
ergy in finding "Mrfs). Right." We need to inquire
My symptoms (loss of purpose in life, loss of inter- about the meaning, depth, and extent of friend-
est in career, crying continuously) could have indi- ships in all people's lives, but particularly so for
cated any number of depressive came to
states. Yet I
single people. Finding a path that places equal em-
view them all in one highly particular way: I had
phasis on the development of work skills and the
failed completely to become a couple, (p. 69)
capacity for close relationships is important for the
Black women may feel less in a bind: while healthy growth of both sexes. Stein (1981) under-
White parents (especially working-class ones) scores the fact that a one-sided emphasis may be
continue to view marriage for daughters as a route seriously debilitating for those who remain single
to financial stability. Black parents place much for a long time. The treatment of Bob illustrates the
more emphasis on preparing daughters to work problems a man may have with imesting in friend-
(Higgenbotham & Weber. 1995) and tend not to ships (see Figure 21.1 on page 366 1:
366 CHAPTER 21
Bob (age 28) entered therapy depressed and de- had been orphaned at birth. Although Bob's grand-
moralized because he had been unable to find a mother was raised by a caring relative, she feared
new girlfriend after the breakup of a three-year re- becoming emotionally attached. The lesson she
lationship. Bob was work but
very successful at taught her daughter, Bob's mother, was that one
was lonely and isolated. He had trouble making should act as if one didn't need people.
friends on his own and counted on girlfriends to Tracking the generational messages about the
provide emotional anchorage. His neediness was meaning of friends was key for Bob in opening up
pushing women away. awareness of his needs for affiliation. Having
Rather than focusing exclusively on his diffi- friends would make for a more enjoyable life and
culties in romantic relationships, the therapy ad- take the intensity off finding a mate. Bob's work in
dressed the crucial task of creating social networks. exploring his parents' history allowed him to ap-
For Bob, looking at multigenerational themes was proach his family differently. He now began to have
particularly relevant. He came from a middle-class more personally revealing conversations with his
Midwestern Protestant family. The older of two mother, broaching previously taboo subjects such
boys, he described his mother as emotionally disas her "self-sufficiency" compared to his own
tant and his father as warm but weak. His mother, to neediness."
whom he looked for the moral leadership of the
family, had never sought friends. She thought the If the young adult can keep anxiety about
need for friends indicated a weakness of character. finding a spouse low enough, the process of dating
When Bob was coached to find out more about his can be helpful in learning about the self in relation-
mother's family, it emerged that her own mother ships and in experimenting with adult gender and
B Marge's
Kathy
died at
birth
Joe Mary
alcoholic alcoholic
John Marge
passive cold,
distant,
loner
Al Sonia
Joe Jr. 56 warm, 1 cold,
50 ) Ann
depressed, critical
dependent
Bob 26 24 Joel
FIGURE 21 .1 Bob Smith's Cenogram

social roles. Dating that is fraught with intensity the therapist's judgment that the client realh u
about latching onto a mate can only become te- "unmarriageable."
dious and painful. To remain open to the possibilities for mar-
Owning an adult self also includes finding riage yet not be taken over by this pursuit, the sin-
ways to validate one's sexuality. This means either gle person and his or her family need to make a
dealing with the complexities of being sexual out- major shift: attaining the belief that there ismore
side of marriage (including the specter of AIDS in than one way to lead a healthy life. This shift is
each encounter) or. if celibacy is valued, acknowl- fundamental to the emotional work of this period
edging the absence of sex as a healthy choice. and sets the stage for later years, should the client
remain single.
Working on life cycle tasks does not rule out

The Thirties: The Adult Crisis
marriage but simply facilitates the experience of
At 30. there is an urgency to getting one's act to- growing as an adult. It takes into account the real-
gether; the age of experimentation is supposed to ity that the client is now single, whatever the future
be o\er(Levinson. 1978; Stein. 1981). The realiza- brings. Coming to grips with singlehood means
tion that many of one's peers are now married pro- looking at the ways the single person may be put-
pels many single people to intensify their search ting his or her life on hold, such as postponing fi-
for a mate. Seeing others proceed with the "real" nancial planning, setting up a home, even buying
business of life (having children and juggling kitchen utensils. Not doing these things helps to
child-rearing and work), single people begin to maintain the presumption that important aspects of
feel out of sync. Anxiety around getting married life proceed only after marriage.
can intensify so greatly at this age that one's expe- What is put on hold are usually the things a
rience of self and one's development can be almost future mate is supposed to take care of. Tradi-
totally eclipsed. Women usually experience this tional gender training does not lend itself well to
"singlehood panic" at a younger age than men, single status, and members of each sex need to
partly because of the pressure of the biological develop skills in areas that are assumed to be the
clock and partly because of the societal judgment province of the other. For a woman, this means
that says that men may choose to remain single but that career has to be taken seriously to provide
women should do so only involuntarily. both financial stability and a sense of identity
This increased anxiety means that requests something that women (particularly lower-middle-
for therapy often focus on enhancing marriage- class White women) have not been socialized to
ability. Rather than trying to move clients off this consider (Adams. 1981). For a man. it means
goal, it's better to stay relevant to the clients vi- learning how to develop networks and friendships
sion of the purpose of treatment, since the desire (Meth & Pasick. 1990). For both, it means making
to be married is an important adult goal. Getting one's home feels like a home.
married is a legitimate — but incomplete —frame Friendships need to accommodate what Peter
for therapy. An initial dilemma is how to honor a Stein ( 1981 ) called their "patchwork" quality. This
client's desire for marriage and still address issues is a time when friends move into and out of roman-
in a context that doesn't make marriage the end tic relationships or marry and therefore are not
product of successful treatment. Moving ahead consistently available. A large circle of friends
with work on the developmental tasks of this to share celebrations and life together can help to
phase can lower anxiety and increase self-respect. decrease the sense of abandonment when good
But moving too exclusively — not acknowledg- friends shift primary emotional loyalty to another.
ing the validity of a desire for marriage or the Helping single clients to articulate aspects of
real problems a single client might have with an adult self in the family of origin is a key aspect
intimacy —can be experienced by the client as of coaching in this phase. Acknowledging sexual
—
368 CHAPTER 21
maturity outside marriage is one of the most anxiety- taken aback when now, ten years later, her mother
provoking areas for both client and parents. relayed an anecdote of meeting a friend who had
recently become a grandmother. Susan asked the
Joan, a 35-year-old systems analyst, was strug- name of the baby, to which her mother replied, "I
gling to grow up in her role as daughter. She had didn't ask. It made my heart ache."
been coached to invite her parents to her home for
dinners, reduce the number of weekends visiting Susan's own pain about her lack of children,
home, tell her parents what she did with her free which she had hidden from her family, and her high
time, and share her work successes. Joan was en- reactivity to her mother's similar feelings led her to
couraged by the positive responses she received close off this toxic issue, thereby freezing the devel-
and felt increased respect.
opment of their mother-daughter relationship.
Then a further opportunity presented itself. She
had gone on a cruise with friends and had brought
in the pictures. One was of herself in a sexy dress, The Forties to Mid-Fifties:
looking very happy. When asked whether she had Developing Alternative Scripts
shown it to her parents, Joan said, "Of course not!"
A fortieth birthday ushers in the realization that
We talked about —
why not what the impact would
time is running out. The emotional weight of clos-
be if she did and how it might change things. We
recognized that here was a chance to present an as-
ing options falls most heavily on women. Women
pect of her adult self, her sexuality, that all family have a procreative time limit and usually continue
members had colluded to deny. When she did share to feel social and personal pressure to marry "up"
her pictures, she got the uncomfortable silence that (taller, richer, older). Men can have children much
we had predicted, but she still felt that she had con- later in life and many continue to have a wide
veyed an important message about her maturity. range of acceptable partners from which to choose.
Even so, the men we interviewed described feeling
Toward their midthirties. most women and
uncomfortable with the isolation and the increas-
some men (and their families) experience height-
ing social approbation of remaining single.
ened concern over potential childlessness. The
A drift toward segregation between single and
thought of missing out on one of life's most pro-
married people, begun in earlier years, is typical-
found experiences surfaces and may keep rever-
ly firmly in place by midlife. There are powerful
berating for years. When combined with parental
reasons for this divide, among them differing de-
distress over not having grandchildren, this sad-
mands for time and commitment, perceptions of
ness can develop into a dense web of reactivity. It
single people as a threat to married life, and single
is important to truly hear this concern without try-
people's avoidance of married life and child-
ing to change or fix it.
focused celebrations to bypass painful feelings of
The painful intensity of these feelings can
loss. This segregation contributes greatly to feel-
lead to closing off discussion about marriage or
ings of isolation from mainstream life as well as to
childlessness to maintain a pseudo-calm in the
idealized fantasies of married life. Work on dimin-
family. When family colludes to deny important
ishing this gap can help a great deal.
realities, however, relationships and personal
An issue for people at this age is the probabil-
growth suffer.
ity of never achieving the family they expected to
have. If marriage does happen, it will likely be
Susan, a 39-year-old Jewish woman, no longer
with a divorced or widowed spouse. If child-rear-
discusses her childlessness with her parents. When
she had divorced ten years earlier, she had apolo- ing is in the picture, it will likely be with someone
gized to her mother about not giving her a grand- else's children or as a single parent.
child. Her mother then had been very reassuring, Helping clients to disentangle the main loss
telling her that parenthood wasn't all it was spouse, child, or "package" — is important. It opens
cracked up to be and not to worry. She was totally up consideration of alternatives. Those whose pri-
mary distress centers on child-rearing, for exam- though, love comes in other shapes usable by us,
ple, can explore other options for bringing children the non-traditional unfamilied legion, (p. 252)
into their lives, including the difficult step of single

Disentangling love from marriage allows sin-
parenthood, rather than remaining mired, awaiting
gle people to legitimize their loving experiences,
a spouse.
whatever their form, and not feel that they are, as
The pain of these losses around expected fam-
Anderson et al. (1994) put it. "make do" substi-
ily and particularly around childlessness may wax
tutes for the real thing.
and wane throughout life, getting retriggered by
Another aspect of feeling authentic involves
changes in circumstance and priorities.
forging a connection with future generations. This
helps people to feel a sense of continuity with his-
Gender Differences. Connecting with a viable tory and meaning beyond individual achievement
social network becomes increasingly difficult for
and personal satisfaction. Single people will need
single men as they get older. Only about 8 percent to create their own connections; they are not auto-
of men remain never married after age 45 (U.S. matically provided by marriage and the family
Bureau of the Census, 1995). and Bernard (1982) package. Single people often don't realize that
found that at midlife, the average never-married is important. One woman
connection to the future
man is significantly less educated and earns less who chose to become a Big Sister said, "I don't
money than his female single counterpart. In addi- know why I waited so long to bring a child into my
tion, unmarried men report much higher rates of
life."
problem drinking and substance abuse than do ei-
Feeling authentic also means accepting that
ther married men or women, regardless of marital friends are family, not a poor substitute. Inquiries
status (Waite. 1995). The author speculates that about friendships are particularly important with
marriage benefits men by supplying emotional men: their single cohort is vastly diminished by
connection and caretaking. this age, and they may have focused on other life
On the other hand. Anderson. Stewart, and areas rather than building networks for themselves
Dimidjian (1994) fill a vacuum by recounting the (Meth & Pasick, 1990).
stories of midlife women who feel happy about
their lives and who they are. Based on in-depth in-
Redefining the Meaning of Work. The work-
terviews of ninety 7
women — unmarried, divorced place usually the central organizing hub of daily
and/or single mothers — these stories reflect the
life for
is
single people, and the connection of work

sense of competence, satisfaction, and pleasure in
satisfaction cannot be overesti-
life that these women feel — contrary to continuing
life
mated.
to personal
Work is more than earning money; skills

stereotypes.
and talents must be used in a meaningful way in
one's job or in other arenas. Clients themselves

Defining an Authentic Life as a Single Adult. may not realize the importance of work to their
Societal emphasis placed on marriage and children feelings. The following example illustrates how
as the primary vehicles for mature love may leave work issues can be detoured into a fixation on find-
some single adults feeling that their relationships ing love:
and loves are less valuable. This is a notion that
must be challenged. Holland (1992) writes. Janet, a 44-year-old woman working as a salesper-
son for a swimsuit company, was intensely focused
We need to stay open to the simple possibilities of on her difficulties with men. Marriage was her
We were told in youth that the whole point
loving. goal, and she was frustrated and anxious. While
and purpose of love, the only possible excuse for it, she was beginning to get some intellectual per-
was to set up a traditional household that becomes spective, her obsession with marriage ran her life.
a working part of the social machine. Just maybe. Exasperated, one day she exclaimed that if she
—
370 CHAPTER 21
could get any pleasure in other parts of her life, she failed health signals the last years. Single people
might be able to be less depressed who have faced earlier life tasks are positioned to
When we explored her work, she acknowledged reap the fruits of single status: freedom and auton-
that she found it so boring that she was frequently omy. Unencumbered by financial and/or emotional
behind in billing, which, in turn, got her angry with
responsibility toward adult children, single people
herself about being a failure at even this "nothing"
can devote more time and energy to shaping per-
job. Janet had never considered her work day im-
sonally meaningful work or just pull up stakes and
portant: it was just a way to till time until evening
how her dis- move into new areas. Issues of this later life phase
dating began. She had no awareness of
satisfaction with work was increasing her anxiety reflect this inner duality: a yearning to slow down
about dating. Shitting the focus of therapy to mean- and savor life coupled with a sense of urgency
ingful use of her talents and skills brought new en- about getting goals accomplished in the time that is
ergy to sessions. left (Bergquist, Greenberg, & Klaum, 1993).

By age 65, only 54 percent of women are liv-
Taking work seriously goes hand in hand with ing w ith a spouse, compared to 80 percent of men
taking responsibility for one's financial future. (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1995). Single women
This is a necessity in the forties and fifties. Men moving through the later-life phase, then, find
may have anxiety about how they are managing themselves to be less statistically deviant than do
their money, but they don't usually doubt their single men. The majority of a single man's peers
need to do it. Women, on the other hand, may have live a very different life. The inescapable conclu-
been brought up to believe that this is man's terri- sion from current data is that the older single man
tory and might also need to learn about finance has the poorest physical and emotional health
along with the therapy. This endeavor can be filled (Bernard. 1982; Waite. 1995). Schaie and Willis
w ith anxiety: many women associate it with giving ( 1 986) report that single White men over the age of
up on the possibility of ever being taken care of 70 are three times more commit suicide likely to
through marriage. than are same-aged White women. Black men. or

Black women.
Family Work. Feelings of anxiety or failure as
parents can resurface at this time, as it sinks in that Consolidating Decisions about Money and Work,
their "child" really may never marry. When paren- Planning for the Future. Emotional intensity
tal emotionality meshes with a the child's reac- about using one's life fully tends to increase as that
tiutv around the same issues, the potential for inner voice says, "If I don't do it now, I never w ill."
explosivity and possible cut-off is high. Work may Single people may have an advantage in making
need to begin with relationships with siblings, in major shifts because they do not have to adjust
which emotionaliu is usually less intense. Devel- plans around spouses and children. Exploring
oping a nonperipheral role, building separate re- options for even partial realization of goals and
lationships with nieces and nephews, and hosting dreams that have been put on the shelf is always
events rather than being perennial guests are some useful. Even if money is limited and jobs cannot be
ways in which single people can decrease distance changed, life can include these dreams. One 55-
in the familv-of-ori«in. year-old factory worker saved for ten years for a
trip to a distant country. Accomplishing this en-
abled her to feel like an an adventurous woman in-

The Fifties to Failed Health:
stead of a factory drudge.
Putting It All Together
Planning for the future is critical at this junc-
This phase may extend two decades or more ture. It includes thinking about a home base that
encompassing "second life" goals and plans, job feels financially and physically secure and may
shifts, retirement, and the death of parents — until mean considering joining forces with others to
pool resources. It' a client strongrj resists address- first time, his nieces realized the depth of his love
ing these issues, examining multigenerational for them and came to see him as a second parent.
themes may help.

Family Work. As parents age and become in-
Lauren, a 54-year-old never-mamed woman, had firm, family relationships often need realignment.
derived a lot of satisfaction from her work and Parental anxiety around singlehood may resurface
great enjoyment in her life. Now. however, she after years of dormancy as parents struggle to feel
found herself almost paralyzed with anxiety about their children "settled" before they die. Family of
her future. She had put no mone> aside and was origin work with parents is particularly poignant
frightened about the coming vears. At the same now. since this may be the last opportunity for the
time, she strongly resisted saving money. She
adult child to resolve his or her own feelings about
hosted expensive dinners and took lavish vaca-
single life and communicate some reassurance to
tions, which only increased her panic.
aged parents.
When multigenerational themes were explored,
it emerged that both her mother and grandmother
The need to care for aged parents often puts
had died before the age of 60. Both had had lives of strain on sibling relationships, which may have
hard work and little luxury. Her paralysis about stayed frozen in time at the point when each child
planning for a future was fueled by her unconscious left home. Allen (1989) found that unmarried
belief that she wasn't going to have one. Her vision women are called upon to be primary caretakers
of life's cycle included death within the next five significantly more often than widowed daughters
years. Bringing this powerful template into con-
are. Implicit in this selection is the judgment that
scious awareness was crucial in freeing Lauren
the lives of single women are more expendable
from her "inexplicable" terror.
than those of married women. Family of origin
work with siblings can be v ery difficult, if not im-
A final is the making of
piece of planning
possible, when there is little emotional glue be-
one's will. This more than a duty: it is a profound
is
tween them and reactivity is high. The cost of
emotional experience. Looking at possessions and
nonresolution. how ever, may be the dissolution of
deciding how and w uh w horn you want them to be
family connections after the parents' death.
valued after your death can change a client's entire
perspective. People retrieve memories that have
Enjoying the Freedom. Personal freedom is one
been pushed aside and rediscover priorities and at-
of the great benefits of singlehood. and using it
tachments that have faded. Communicating deci-
well gives richness to the single experience. People
sions directly to the people involved can shift
whose lives hav e centered on duty or responsibility
relationships in one's current life:
may need help in giving themselves permission
to spend time and money in personally satisfy ing
John had alw ay s had an affectionate and fun-filled
ways.
relationship with his nieces; he was the one who
Successful aging for us all lies in maintaining
took them to concerts, the theater, and dinner.
the activ Hies and attitudes of earlier years for as
When John decided to tell them about their inher-
own long as possible (Schaie and Willis. 1986) and in

itance from him. his lawyers and his family
tried to talk him out of it. He went ahead am was. gaining a wide perspective iwisdomi while keep-
on the grounds that his nieces should have this ining a vital investment in old pleasures and new ex-
formation in planning their own futures. For the perience Erikson. 1982
( ).
REFERENCES
Adams. M. 1981
1 1. Living Singly In P. Stein lEd.i Single Allen. K. R. 1 1989). Single women: family ties. Newbury
Life. ipp. 221—234). New York: St. Martin's p- Park CA: Sasre
1
372 CHAPTER 2
Anderson, C. M, Stewart. S., & Dimidjian, S. (1994). Levinson, D. (1978). The seasons of a man's life. New
Flying solo. New York: Norton. York: Ballantine Books.
Bergquist, W. H., Greenberg, E. M., & Klaum, G. A. McGoldrick, M. (1989). Women through the family life
(1993). In our fifties: Voices of men and women re- cycle. In M. McGoldrick, C. M. Anderson, & F.
inventing their lives. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Walsh (Eds.), Women in families: A framework for
Bernard, J. (1982). The future of marriage. New Haven, family therapy (pp. 200-226). New York: Norton.
CT: Yale University Press. McGoldrick, M. (1996). Irish families. In M. McGold-
Carter, B., & McGoldrick, M. ( 1989). The changing fam- rick, J. Giordano, & J. I. Pearce, (Eds). Ethnicity
ily life cycle: A framework for family therapy (2nd. and family therapy (2nd ed.) (pp. 544-566). New
ed.). Boston: Allyn & Bacon. York: The Guilford Press.
Coontz, S. (1992). The way we never were. New York: Meth, R., & Pasick, R. (1990). Men in therapy. New
Basic Books. York: The Guilford Press.
Diner, H. (1983). Erin's daughters in America: Immi- Rosen, E., & Weltman, S. (1996). Jewish families: An
grant women in the 19th century. Baltimore: Johns overview. In M. McGoldrick, J. Giordano, & J. I.
Hopkins Press. Pearce (Eds.), Ethnicity and family therapy (2nd
Erikson, E. (1982). The life cycle completed. New York: ed.) (pp. 61 1-630), New York: The Guilford Press.
Norton. Schaie, K. W.,& Willis, S. L. (1986). Adult development
Faludi, S. ( 1991). Backlash. New York: Crown. and aging. Boston: Little, Brown & Company.
Franklin, J. H. (1988). A historical note on Black fami- Schwartzberg, N., Berliner, K., & Jacob, D. (1995). Sin-
lies. In H. P. McAdoo (Ed.), Black families (2nd gle in a married world. New York: Norton.
ed.), (pp. 23-26). Newbury Park, CA: Sage. Staples, R. (1988). An overview of race and marital sta-
Israel, B. (1996, January). Happiness and the single tus. In H. P. McAdoo (Ed.), Black families. (2nd
woman: What's good and what's not about being ed.), (pp. 187-189). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.
unattached in America. Mirabella, 68-73. Staples, R., & Johnson, L. B. (1993). Black families at
Heiss, J. ( 1988). Women's values regarding marriage and the crossroad: Cliallenges and prospects. San Fran-
the family. In H. P. McAdoo (Ed.), Black Families cisco: Jossey-Bass.
(2nd ed.), (pp. 201-214). Newbury Park CA: Sage. Stein, P. (1981). Understanding single adulthood. In P.
Higginbotham, E., & Weber, L. (1995). Moving up Stein (Ed.), Single life: Unmarried adults in social
with kin and community: Upward social mobility for contexts (pp. 9-20). New York: St Martin's Press.
black and white M. L. Anderson & P. H.
women. In U.S. Bureau of the Census ( 1995). Statistical Abstract of
Collins (Eds.), Race, class & gender: An anthology the United States, 115th Edition. Washington, DC:
(2nd ed.), (pp. 134-147). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth. U.S. Government Printing Office.
Holland, B. (1992). One's company. New York: Waite, L. (1995, November). Does marriage matter? De-
Ballantine. mography, 32(4), 483-507.
Chapter 22
THE DIVORCE CYCLE

A MAJOR VARIATION IN THE
AMERICAN FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
BETTY CARTER
MONICA McGOLDRICK
The largest variation of the traditional family life or dislocation of the traditional family life cycle,
cycle consists of families in which divorce has oc- which produces the kind of profound disequilib-
curred (see Chapter 23). In the 1980s, divorce rium that is associated throughout the entire family
reached the status of a normative event with a rate life cycle with shifts, gains, and losses in fumilv
of 50 percent for first marriages and 61 percent for membership.
subsequent marriages (Glick. 1984). Thus, statis- Although a few researchers and many conser-
tically, the divorce cycle consists of marriage, di- vative spokespersons still see divorce as a source of
vorce, remarriage, and redivorce. Although that major family pathology (Wallerstein & Blakeslee.
rate dipped somewhat during the 1990s, to 46 per- 1989) we agree with mainstream researchers and
cent, the United States still has the highest divorce clinicians who have recognized that divorce is a
rate in the industrialized world. We also have the transitional crisis that interrupts developmental tasks
highest marriage rates (90 percent first marriage. (Ahrons & Rodgers. 1987: Hetherington. 1993).
70 percent remarriage), which reflect the Ameri- Because marital separation causes major practical
can belief in marriage and family as the structure as well as emotional readjustments, short-term dis-
of choice. We attribute the difficulties on the jour- tress is normal even when it is severe. As in other
ney towards this goal to our failure to redefine kinds of family crisis (e.g.. death, serious illness.
marriage to include gender equality and women's job loss), the key that determines whether the crisis
economic independence (see Chapter 14). It is no is transitional or has permanent crippling impact is
coincidence that a majority of divorces are initi- whether it is handled emotionally in an adequate
ated by women. The lack of social support for an way within the family system in spite of lack of so-
equal-partnership marriage is reflected in concrete cial support. If it is well handled emotionallv (and
obstacles such as the lack of affordable child care financially), family members, including children.
and workplace demands for primacy, as well as may exhibit temporary symptoms and behavioral
old. unrealistic, gendered expectations that men manifestations of high anxiety over a period of
and women still bring to marriage. This struggle to months or a few years. But several years after the
live out new roles while still playing by the old divorce, if the developmental tasks of divorcing
rules undermines marriage and remarriage and and those of settling into the postdivorce "binu-
will continue to do so until we define and support clear" family are satisfactorily accomplished, there
new rules in emotional and concrete ways (Carter are few. if any, observable or testable differences
& Peters. 1996). In our experience as clinicians due to having been part of a divorced familv
and teachers, we have found it useful to conceptu- Note that the transitional crisis of divorce has
alize divorce and its aftermath as an interruption two overlapping phases the separation and legal
373
—
374 CHAPTER 22
divorce and the settling into the so-called single- problems, but rather be able to help her connect to
parent form in two households. For 35 percent of her strength, competence, and emotional ability to
divorced women, this is the end of the divorce cri- go it alone unless or until she chooses otherwise.
sis. Their once highly stigmatized household of For divorcing men. there is the serious possi-
mother and children has now become part of a bility that they will lose their children in one way
growing category of permanent American family or another. Unless fathers take concrete steps to
forms. Paradoxically, the stigma that was once as- stay connected with their children, most of the so-
sociated with divorced mothers has now largely cial and emotional forces that are at play during di-
moved to unmarried mothers, so being a divorced vorce and remarriage will increase the emotional
parent is no longer in itself a stressful label. For 65 distance between fathers and children. Men also
percent of divorced American women and 75 per- need help in acknowledging the degree of their
cent of American men. a second transitional crisis emotional dependence on their former wives be-
will ensue when either or both spouses remarry. fore they can begin to mourn their losses, handle
Thus, if we visualize a family traveling the road their guilt at leaving their children, and start to see
of life, moving from stage to stage in their develop- what part they played in the marital breakup. It is
mental unfolding, we can see divorce as an inter- urgent to explore the man's social network for sup-
ruption that puts the family on a "detour" —an port and counsel him to deal with the issues rather
additional family life cycle stage — in which the than escape to another intense relationship.
physical and emotional losses and changes of di- We believe that the crisis of divorce can be used
vorce are put into effect and absorbed by the three- in therapy for both women and men as an opportu-
generation system. The family (now in two house- nity to do now the developmental work that was
holds) then rejoins the "main road'* and continues its skipped in the usual gendered socialization process.
forward developmental progress, though in a more Thus, women should be helped to develop financial
complex form. If either spouse remarries, a second competence and to take responsibility for their lives
detour occurs — a second additional family life cycle and future, w hether they remarry or not. Men need
stage — in which the family must handle the stress of to learn the skills that will enable them to relate fully
absorbing two or three generations of new members to their children, develop intimate friendships with
into the system and struggle to define their roles and men as well as women, and learn to conduct their
relationships to existing family members. When this own emotional, domestic, and social life so that they
task of merging in midjourney with another three- need not remarry unless they choose to. Such a
generation system has been completed, the new, goal — divorce therapy as resocialization process
highly complex system rejoins the "'main road." and would, of course, call for coaching the client in
individual and family development continues. work with the family of origin, as well as the ex-
spouse and children (see Chapter 26).
GENDER ISSUES IN DIVORCE

TIME
Men and women inevitably have made different
kinds of investments in marriage and will thus Our experience supports that of others who have
have different emotional experiences as they seek found that it takes aminimum of two or three years
to disengage (Carter, 1988). Until very recently, for a family to adjust to its new structure and —
women have been socialized to invest their entire that's if there are no cut-offs and all the adults are
identity in marriage and have been given the major working at it full tilt. Families in which the emo-
responsibility for its success. Thus, regardless of tional issues of divorce are not adequately resolved
the facts in the case, women may see divorce as a can remain stuck emotionally for years, perhaps
personal failure. It is crucial that the therapist not for generations. (See Table 22. 1 for an outline of
assume that remarriage is the chief solution to her the phases in the stage of divorce.)
THE DIVORCE CYCLE 375
TABLE 22.1 An Additional Stage of the Family Life Cycle for Divorcing Families
EMOTIONAL PROCESS OF TRAN-

PHASE SITION: PREREQUISITE ATTITUDE DEVELOPMENTAL ISSUES
Divorce The decision to Acceptance of inability to Acceptance of one's own part

divorce resolve marital tensions in the failure of the marriage.
sufficiently to continue
relationship.
Planning the Supporting viable arrangements a. Working cooperatively on

breakup of the for all parts of the system. problems of custody, visitation,
system and finances.
b. Dealing with extended
family about the divorce.
Separation a. Willingness to continue a. Mourning loss of intact

cooperative co-parental family.
relationship and joint financial b. Restructuring marital and
support of children, parent-child relationships and
b. Work on resolution of finances; adaptation to living
attachment to spouse. apart.
c. Realignment of relationships
with extended family; staying
connected with spouse's
extended family.
The divorce More work on emotional a. Mourning loss of intact

divorce: overcoming hurt, anger, family; giving up fantasies of
guilt, etc. reunion.
b. Retrieval of hopes, dreams,
expectations from the marriage.
c. Staying connected with
extended families.
Post- Single parent Willingness to maintain a. Making flexible visitation

divorce (custodial financial responsibilities, arrangements with ex-spouse
Family household or continue parental contact with and family.
primary ex-spouse, and support contact b. Rebuilding own financial
residence) of children with ex-spouse and resources.
his or her family. c. Rebuilding own social
network.
Single parent Willingness to maintain a. Finding ways to continue

(noncustodial) financial responsibilities and effective parenting.
parental contact with ex-spouse b. Maintaining financial
and to support custodial parent's responsibilities to ex-spouse
relationship with children. and children.
c. Rebuilding own social
network.
.
376 CHAPTER 22
THE DIVORCE AND POSTDIVORCE FAMILY simultaneously as the logistics of stepfamily life
EMOTIONAL PROCESS are put into practice.

The family emotional process at the transition
Our concept of the divorce and postdivorce emo-
to remarriage consists of struggling with fears about
tional process can be visualized as a roller-coaster
investment in a new marriage and a new family:
graph, with peaks of emotional tension at all tran-
one's own fears, the new spouse"s fears, and the
sition points:
fears of the children (of either or both spouses);
1. At the time of the decision to separate or dealing with hostile or upset reactions of the chil-
divorce. dren, the extended families, and the ex-spouse;

2. When this decision is announced to family struggling with the ambiguity of the new family
and friends. structure, roles, and relationships; rearousal of in-
3. When money and custody/visitation arrange- tense parental guilt and concerns about the welfare
ments are discussed. of children; and rearousal of the old attachment to
4. When the physical separation takes place. the ex-spouse (negative or positive). Table 22.2
5. When the actual legal divorce takes place. depicts the process in somewhat greater detail, as
6. When separated spouses or ex-spouses have does Chapter 25.

contact about money or children. Our society offers stepfamilies a choice of two
7. As each child graduates, marries, has children, conceptual models, neither of which works: fami-
or becomes ill. lies that act like the intact family next door that is
8. As each spouse is remarried, moves, becomes glorified in TV situation comedies and the wicked
ill, or dies. stepparents of the fairy tales. Our first clinical step.
then, is to validate for stepfamilies the lack of

These emotional pressure peaks are found in social support and clarity in the paradigm of fam-
all divorcing families —not necessarily in the above ily they are offered. Clinicians can offer them the
order —and many of them take place over and over challenge of helping to invent a new form of family
again, for months or years. A more detailed depic- structure, with the following guidelinesmaking
tion of the process appears in Table 22. 1 good systems sense: giving up the old model of
The emotions released during the process of family and accepting the complexity of a new
divorce relate primarily to thework of emotional form; maintaining permeable boundaries to permit
divorce, that is, the retrieval of self from the shifting of household memberships; and working
marriage. Each partner must retrieve the hopes, for open lines of communication between all sets
dreams, plans, and expectations that were invested of parents, between grandparents, and between
in this spouse and in this marriage. This requires them and their children or grandchildren (see
mourning what is lost and dealing with hurt, anger, Chapter 25).
blame, guilt, shame, and loss in oneself, in the In our experience, the residue of an angry and
spouse, in the children, and in the extended family. vengeful divorce can block step-family integration
for years or forever. The rearousal of the old emo-
tional attachment to an ex-spouse, which charac-
FAMILY EMOTIONAL PROCESS AT THE
teristically surfaces at the time of remarriage and
TRANSITION TO REMARRIAGE
at subsequent life cycle transitions of children, is
The predictable peaks of emotional tension in the usually not understood as a predictable process
transition to remarriage occur at the time of serious and therefore leads to denial, misinterpretation,
commitment to a new relationship; at the time a cut-off, and assorted difficulties. As in the case of
plan to remarry is announced to families and adjustment to a new family structure after divorce,
friends; and at the time of the actual remarriage step-family integration seems also to require a
and formation of a stepfamily, which take place minimum of two or three years before a workable
THE DIVORCE CYCLE 377
TABLE 22.2 Remarried Family Formation: A Developmental Outline*
STEPS PREREQUISITE ATTITUDE DEVELOPMENTAL ISSUES
1 . Entering the new Recovery from loss of first marriage Recommitment to marriage and to forming a
relationship (adequate emotional divorce). family with readiness to deal with the
complexity and ambiguity.
2. Conceptualizing Accepting one's own fears and those a. Work on openness in the new relationships
and planning new of new spouse and children about to avoid pseudomutuality.
marriage and family remarriage and forming a step- b. Plan for maintenance of cooperative
family. financial and co-parental relationships with
Accepting need for time and ex-spouses.
patience for adjustment to c. Plan to help children deal with fears,
complexity and ambiguity of: loyalty conflicts, and membership in two
1 Multiple new roles. systems.
2. Boundaries: space, time, d. Realignment of relationships with
membership, and authority. extended family to include new spouse and
3. Affective issues: guilt, loyalty children.
conflicts, desire for mutuality, e. Plan maintenance of connections for
unresolvable past hurts. children with extended family of ex-spouses.
3. Remarriage and Final resolution of attachment to a. Restructuring family boundaries to allow

reconstruction of previous spouse and ideal of for inclusion of new spouse-stepparent.
family "intact" family; acceptance of a b. Realignment of relationships and financial
model of family with
different arrangements throughout subsystems to
permeable boundaries. permit interweaving of several systems.
c. Making room for relationships of all
children with biological (noncustodial)
parents, grandparents, and other extended
family.
d. Sharing memories and histories to enhance
step-family integration.
•Variation of a developmental schema presented by Ransom et al. (1 979)
new structure permits family members to move on renegotiated at the same time. We have added to
emotionally. the framework dealing with children and extended

Table 22.2 describes the developmental steps family as well as the new spouse because as Ran-
required for remarried family formation. It is sim- som et al. themselves have observed, "the pres-
ilar in some respects to that described by Ransom ence of children at the earliest stages prevents the
and co-workers (1979). Their outline was particu- establishment of an exclusive spouse-to-spouse
larly apt in addressing the need to conceptualize relationship which pre-dates the undertaking of
and plan for the remarriage. Although it is cer- parenthood" (p. 37).
tainly true that more advance planning would also It is our opinion that the emotional tasks listed
be helpful in first marriages, it is an essential ingre- in column 2 of Table 22.2 are key attitudes in the
dient for successful remarriage because of the dif- transition that permit the family to work on the de-
ferent conceptualmodel required and because of velopmental issues of column 3. If as clinicians,
the number of family relationships that must be we find ourselves struggling with the family over
378 CHAPTER 22
developmental issues (column 3) before the pre- several steps "for the sake of the children": he
requisite attitudes (column 2) have been adopted, stopped threatening to sue for custody and agreed
we are probably wasting our efforts. For example, to continue divorce therapy until the family was liv-
ing separately and the separation agreement was

it is very hard for a parent to help children remain
signed. On her part, Susan agreed to forgo any
connected to ex-in-laws who were never close or
claims of alimony and let the lawyers negotiate
supportive unless the parent has fully embraced the
about child support. She was interested in the ther-
ideas of the new model of family. Much education apist's suggestion that they go to divorce media-
and discussion may be required before a client can tion, but Josh refused, and she decided not to press
put into effect ideas that may seem counterintui- the point with him.
tive, aversive, or time consuming. See further dis- At this point, the therapist saw each of them sep-
cussion of these and other issues in Chapter 25. arately for several sessions, inquiring in detail about
Susan's financial plans (she hadn't "really thought

When they came for marital therapy. Josh Steiner about that") and Josh's plans for staying in close
and Susan Watson had been married for 14 years. touch with his children ("You mean I should cancel
They had a 12-year-old son, Sam and a 10-year-old my plan to get a studio apartment?"). For several
daughter, Karen. Susan's complaint was that Josh months, the therapist saw Josh, Susan, and their two
was a workaholic, like his father and hers, and now children separately and in various combinations as
that Sam was approaching his teens, "he needs his the couple first planned how to tell their children
father." Josh, a surgeon, and a senior administrator ("no blaming"), then told them, then arranged for
at the hospital, worked over sixty hours a week, of- the children to help Josh move to his new two-bed-
ten more. Susan, also a physician, had for years room apartment and put some of their things there.
kept her hours strictly part-time to allow for child Along this path, the therapist helped each of them
care. Their relationship had veered from distance to resist destructive suggestions from their lawyers
to periods of conflict "about the kids and me, not (e.g., Josh should refuse to move out of the house;
about us," Josh said. As marital therapy seemed to Susan should refuse to permit Sam's bar mitzvah
go in circles, the therapist inquired closely into planning to proceed). As the early logistics were put
their past relationship and future commitment, into place and family grieving over the changes
causing Susan to admit that she had "given up on came into focus. Josh suddenly fell in love and left
him" some years ago and "could not imagine therapy to make a new life, in spite of the therapist's
growing old with him." She agreed to "try" to help warnings about timing.
put the marriage back together, but consistently Susan remained in therapy but wanted to focus
"forgot" between-session assignments, "didn't no- on her reactions to Josh's girlfriend and her chil-
tice" that Josh was coming home earlier, and so on. dren's reactions to the woman, who was divorced
Both she and Josh resisted the therapist's sugges- with a daughter Karen's age. Susan made several
tions that they put some energy into their family of fairly superficial moves with her family of origin,
origin relationships. mostly making more contact with her father and
After six months of stalling, Susan said that she brother, but couldn't think of specific issues with
wanted a divorce; she had decided this years ago, them except for a global sense of being the outsider.
had hoped to be able to postpone it until the children Susan was able to follow the therapist's coaching
were older, but now could not tolerate the wait. Josh suggestions that she not get into conflict with
flew into a rage, quit therapy, hired an aggressive di- Josh's girlfriend but rather tell Josh that she pre-
vorce lawyer, and told Susan that he planned to sue ferred to make visitation arrangements with him.
for custody of the children. The therapist phoned not the girlfriend. She felt a huge sense of relief that
Josh, convincing him to come back to therapy "for the marriagewas over and even acknowledged that
the sake of the children —whether it's marital or di- Josh had not been a bad guy at all, except for al-
vorce therapy, they need you to re-build or disman- ways being away, "but then, I didn't really want
tle your marriage in an orderly way." him around all the time anyway." She recognized
It turned out quickly to be divorce therapy, and but couldn't identify the reasons for this ambiva-
although he was even further enraged. Josh made lence. When their separation agreement was de-
THK DIVORCE CYCLE 379
clared satisfactory and signed by both of them. separate time occasionally with each, talking or
Susan expressed a mixture of sadness and relief and doing something fun.
left therapy. She said that the kids were moody, but • Susan came out to her children, who were first
they had all survived Sam's bar mitzvah, which upset, especially Sam ("You're more disgusting
Josh had "ruined" by insisting on bringing along than Dad and Cheryl"), but then interested. They
his now live-in girlfriend, even though Sam and agreed to let their mother tell anyone else she de-
even Josh's mother had objected. "But now it's al- cided to.
most over," she said as she thanked the therapist • Therapy sessions then included various combi-
and left. nations of Susan. Alice, and the children to pro-
Less than a year later. Susan w as back because of cess the children's reactions and to help organize
Sam's behavior at school — fights, failing grades, their family, which had the same structure as a
and disrespecting the teachers. He was now over 14 heterosexual remarried household. They agreed
years old. Meanwhile. Josh and his girlfriend had to speak to the children's teachers and to partici-
broken up. and Josh was angrier and less available pate in gay and lesbian social groups after Josh
to the children than ever. Susan now had a house- had been told so that they wouldn't have to live a
mate, an artist and writer, who "helps with the secret life.
mortgage and helps with the kids. Karen loves her • Susan came out to Josh, w ho w ent into an uproar.
and Sam will too when he straightens out." After a Having predicted this and been coached not to re-
few questions from the therapist. Susan burst into act to it. Susan stayed calm and suggested that he
tears and acknow ledged that the housemate was ac- return to therapy "for the sake of the children."
tually her lover. She said. "I didn 7 w ant to be gay; • After this, Susan and Josh were seen separately
I don 7 want to be: but I never dreamed you could and occasionally together — for coaching in their
feel this way about someone." However, she said, no families of origin and to rev ievv the marriage in
one else knew. "Can you imagine what Josh would light of this new information. Josh had to get
do?" She told several stories of custody lost be- over his "wounded masculinity" because Susan
cause of a parent's homosexuality and of gays and had left him for a woman. He couldn't answer
lesbians who had lost their careers and their fami- the therapist's question as to how it would feel
lies when their sexual orientation was discovered. better if she'd left him for another man. Slowly,
As the discussion proceeded, she told the therapist their empathy for each other returned. Josh sur-
that if this secret was behind Sam's bad behavior, vived meeting Alice and even admitted that he
she'd just have to give up her relationship with the rather liked her. Sam's acting out ceased, and
woman she loved: she couldn't tell. The therapist both children became involved in their school-
urged her to go very slowly on any move, because work and social activities, including those at a lo-
society's attitude was a very big item here, and they cal center for gay and lesbian families.
should talk and think it through very carefully in • Both did a little more w ork in their families of or-
therapy before she did anything. Susan agreed. igin. Josh came to see that his position in his pa-
The first move the therapist suggested was that rental triangle, blaming his mother for the conflict
Susan locate a town in the area that had a legally es- with "poor dad." had set him up to repeat his fa-
tablished precedent of not changing custody be- ther's pattern and be impatient w ith women's "de-
cause of a parent's homosexuality and that she keep mands." Susan knew that she would never be able
that in mind as an "insurance policy" if Josh or to know w hether her feeling left out related to her
anyone threatened legal moves against her. Then, unrecognized sexual orientation or her mother's
when Susan decided that, more than anything, she favoritism toward her younger sister — or which
wanted to continue her relationship with her lover, came first. But she made sure she wasn't left out
Alice, she and the therapist worked out the follow- of current contact and gatherings.
ing plan, which Susan put into effect over the next • Susan came out to her family, using it as an op-
two years: portunity to deal differently with each member.
Josh also used this revelation as an opportunity
• Susan told Alice to back off the kids, not disci- to open up to his family members and improve
pline them or act like a parent, but to spend some those relationships.
.
380 CHAPTER 22
• Susan told her closest associate at work and was family's current life cycle stage (e.g., adolescence),
relieved to find her colleagues supportive and un- and issues created by social attitudes (e.g., homo-
concerned. phobia). This family worked on their relationships
• Josh requested sessions for himself and a new,
over a period of more than five years before all the
serious, woman friend. Sheila, because they
pieces fell into place. But when they did, the re-
were thinking of getting married but were con-
sults were impressive: Susan, Alice, and the chil-
cerned about the reaction of Sheila's two teen-
dren all attended Josh's wedding, mingling pleas-
agers. They were also concerned that her ex-
husband, who was extremely distant and paid
antly with the bride, her sons, and her family. And
only sporadic child support might use this oppor- as Sam left for an excellent college, he said that he
tunity to just cut off from his sons and invest his expected "all ofmy parents" to write, visit, and
time and money in his own stepsons. Josh was send goodies. Two years later, Karen graduated
also concerned about Sam and Karen's reactions from high school with several honors at a cere-
to another major change. mony attended by all of them.
What is most striking about their story are the
many, many opportunities along the way to fall
CONCLUSION
into conflict and cut-offs, most of which, with the
The preceding case shows the extreme complexity help of the therapist, they resisted, while setting a
of the emotional and structural issues that follow course aimed always at maintaining and improving
divorce. The divorce-specific issues interact with their significant relationships.
issues from the families of origin, issues from the
REFERENCES
Ahrons, C, & Rodgers, R. (1987). Divorced families: a Hetherington, M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia
multi-disciplinary de\'elopmental view. New York: longitudinal study of divorce and remarriage. Jour-
W. W. Norton. nal of Family Psychology, 7, 39-56.
Carter, B. (1988). Divorce: His and hers. In M. Walters, Ransom, J., Schlesinger, S., & Derdeyn, A. (1979). A
B. Carter, P. Papp, & O. Silverstein, The invisible stepfamily in formation. American Journal of Or-
web: Gender patterns in family relationships thopsychiatry, 49, 1
(pp. 253-271). New York: The Guilford Press. Wallerstein, J., & Blakeslee, S. ( 1989). Second chances:
Carter, B., & Peters, J. (1996). Love, honor & negotiate: men, women, and children a decade after divorce.
Building partnerships that last a lifetime. New New York: Tichnor and Fields.
York: Pocket Books.
Glick, P. (1984). Marriage, divorce and living arrange-
ments. Journal of Family Issues 5, 7-26.
Chapter 23
DIVORCE
AN UNSCHEDULED FAMILY TRANSITION
CONSTANCE R. AHRONS
Although divorce is a common occurrence of fam- dissolving marriages in tandem with ways of mak-
ily life today, our society still tends to view it as an ing marriages. Divorce is as firmly woven into the
abnormality that will go away if only we can find fabric of society as marriage is. Even the most cur-
out how to make it do so. But the realities are that sory societal examination clearly reveals patterns
divorce and remarriage are unscheduled life transi- that show us that divorce is here to stay.
tions that will affect large numbers of families and Divorce rates have been on the rise for the past
alter their developmental life course. In this chap- three centuries, reaching their peak in the late
ter, divorce will be examined from a normative 1970s. However, in each decade, there have been
perspective, and the process will be discussed as a fluctuations; divorce rates tend to decline during
multidimensional series of predictable transitions hard times and rise in times of prosperity. Between
that affect families intergenerationally.* Although 1965 and 1980 — the prosperous years — divorce
all divorces have some common denominators, ratesmore than doubled. In the late 1980s, the
where divorce occurs in the developmental life cy- economy dipped, and the divorce rate declined
cle of the family will alter the family's pattern of slightly: with minor fluctuations, it has leveled off
the process, their developmental path and their at our current rate.
present and future interactions. How divorce af- The first recorded divorce in America hap-
fects the family is also altered by diverse sociocul- pened back in 1639, in a Puritan court in Massa-
tural factors. Ethnic and religious groups may chusetts, when James Luxford's wife asked for a
differ in the way they perceive divorce, and these divorce because her husband already had a wife.
different perceptions influence how a family copes The divorce was granted. Public and legal debates
with divorce. Clinicians working with families about the high divorce rates and how liberal or re-
need to understand the process so that they can strictive divorce laws should be occurred as early
help families move through the divorce process as the late 1700s. These early debates were very
and reorganize as healthy family systems. similar in tone and content to the discussions we
hear these days about whether we should make
THE CONTEXT OF DIVORCE divorces more or less difficult. The pattern of lib-
eralizing divorce laws and then tightening them,
Historical and Legal Perspectives
seesawing from honoring the individual to honor-
History demonstrates that, despite our belief in the ing the society and back again, is one that we see
newness of divorce, our societs evolved ways of throughout Europe and the United States.
Today, every state has some form of no-fault
"Most of this chapter is based on and contains excerpts from
divorce law. Waiting periods are short, and manda-
Constance R. Ahrons. The Good Divorce. HarperCollins. 1994.
and Constance R. Ahrons and Roy H. Rodgers. Divorced Fam-
tor) reconciliation counseling is virtually absent.
ilies. WW. Norton. 1987. These liberalizations occurred during the 1970s.
381
382 CHAPTER 23
As we have moved into a more conservative polit- attributed to the increase in informal cohabitation
ical climate in recent years, new legislation is be- arrangements. In Sweden, for example, this in-
ing proposed to tighten the divorce laws again by crease in cohabitation has decreased the marriage
limiting the parameters of no-fault legislation and rate as well as the divorce rate. Breakups of these
once again requiring mandatory counseling. informal unions, of course, are not included in the
divorce rate. It has been suggested that cohabita-
tion may actually be pruning the divorce rate
Demographics and the Probability of Divorce
(Kirn, 1997). These "preventive divorces" are not
The probability of divorce is associated with a officially recorded.
number of demographic factors. Age is the strong- At present, 45 percent of all first marriage in
est predictor. Couples who are 20 years of age or the United States end in divorce (Lamb. Sternberg,
younger when they marry have the highest likeli- & Thompson, 1997). Demographic trends suggest
hood of divorce. People with less income and edu- that the current divorce rates in the United States
cation tend to divorce more than those with higher are now fairly stable. Demographers predict that
education and incomes. An important exception to 40 to 60 percent of all current marriages will even-
this principle relates to women: Well-educated tually end in divorce. Those who predict the lower
women (five or more years of college) with good rates say that the divorce rate will decline as the
incomes have higher divorce rates than do women baby boomers age; that boomers who wish to di-
who are poorer and less educated. vorce have already done so, and those that haven't
Geographically, there are some differences are past the stage of life when the odds of divorce
as well. People in the Western part of the United are the highest (Glick, 1990). Those who predict an
States have higher divorce rates than those in the increase, whether large or small, say that women's
Northeast. This may be due partly to the fact that and men's roles will continue to change. That
the average age is lower in the West. Also, there change, plus the increasing financial independence
is a higher concentration of Catholics in the of women — historically the less satisfied party in
Northeast. marriage — will continue to push the rates upward
There are also significant racial differences. (Bumpass, 1990).
Divorce rates for the Black population are two
times those of Whites or Hispanics. Although the
Ethnic and Life Cycle Variations
explanations for the higher divorce rate among Af-
rican Americans vary, socioeconomic differences A serious weakness of the current state of divorce
seem to play a part. On the average, Blacks are less research is that almost all of the research is based
educated, poorer, and more often unemployed than on White, middle-class samples. Because our in-
Whites. terest in divorce has been on its effects on children,
Religion also plays a part. Catholics and Jews most of the research has focused on young chil-
have a lower divorce rate than Protestants. Since dren and their mothers (Lamb et al., 1997). A
Catholicism is the religion of traditional Hispanics, growing body of research based on information
part of the explanation for the racial differences in collected from both parents, using court records
divorce rates may be attributed to religious affilia- rather than clinical data, is gradually beginning to
tion. Although Catholics have a lower divorce rate, provide important data on the entire family system
their rates have risen just as rapidly as those of the (Ahrons, 1994; Hetherington, 1993; Maccoby &
general divorce population (Ahlburg & DeVita, Mnookin, 1992; Stewart, Copeland, Chester, &
1992;Guttmann, 1993). Malley, 1997). These studies tend to be small, in-
A sixfold increase in cohabitation since 1970 depth studies based on in-person interviews, often
has also affected divorce rates. In some European conducted at two or three different times periods in
countries, a recent decline in divorce rates can be the divorced family life cycle.
DIVORCE 383
Larger studies, utilizing national samples, violence. The stories presented in the media are
provide comparative information on divorced and usually the worst-case scenarios, which, unfortu-
married families. These studies usually focus on nately, then tend to be viewed as the norm.
school-age children and their primary parent, most This view has given rise to a distorted percep-
frequently the mother. These studies are often part tion of divorce, leading investigators and practi-
of a larger study, and although they contribute tioners to focus primarily on pathology. For example,
gTeatly to our general know ledge of the effects of the term "single-parent family" implies that a family
divorce, they provide less family interactional data contains only one parent; however, in most divorced
than do the smaller, more intensive studies. families, although mothers are usually the primary'
Unfortunately, there is a paucity of research caregivers, both parents continue to function in pa-
on divorce in midlife and later life and on the ef- rental roles (Stewart et al.. 1997). Divorce creates
fects on older children and young adults. Also new households with single parents, but it results in
lacking from the research are data on different eth- a single-parent family only when one of the parents,
nic groups and what, if any, variations exist in pro- usually the father, has no further contact with the
cess or outcome. family and does not continue to perform a parental
Most of what is presented in this chapter is function. More appropriate terminology would
based on the existing research, with particular em- distinguish between these two circumstances and
phasis on the author's own longitudinal study." would describe the former as a "one-parent house-
When information is available in the literature on hold" (Ahrons, 1980a, 1980b).
ethnic and life cycle variations, the findings will Although the loss of the father-child relation-
be noted. ship is an all too common outcome for many
children in divorced families, innovative custody
arrangements such as joint custody and the in-
The Social Context
creased involvement of fathers in child-rearing
Divorce is usually thought to be symptomatic of roles have also created postdivorce family arrange-
family instability and synonymous with family ments in which the children continue to be reared
dissolution. This view is reflected in the terms used by both parents. The majority of postdivorce fam-
to describe the divorced family: "broken home." ilies have evolved continuing and well-functioning
"disorganized," "fractured." "incomplete." A re- relationships that do not appear to be at all patho-
view of the divorce literature over the past two logical (Lamb et al.. 1997). In such cases, divorce
decades makes it clear that divorce is generally re- has not terminated family relationships; rather, it
garded as pathological and an index of social dis- has been a process whereby the form of these rela-
order. Most research has been designed to search tionships has changed.
for problems created by divorce and often relies
on clinical or problem identified populations. Not
DIVORCE AS A MULTIDIMENSIONAL
only is divorce viewed that way in the professional
PROCESS
literature, but it is quite common to find divorce la-
beled in the media as the cause of all sorts of social From a legal and social status perspective, divorce
problems, such as drugs, delinquency, and family is an event: it moves individuals from the condition
of being legally married to that of being legally di-
vorced. When the divorce decree is final, the part-

"The Binuclear Family Study is a longitudinal study of 98 fam-
ilies interviewed at three points in time. Funded by the National
ners are free to remarry. However, looked at from
Institutes of Mental Health and the University of Wisconsin, a family dynamics standpoint and not a legal
this research began in 1979 and examines the reorganization
standpoint, divorce is best regarded as a multi-
process of families at one. three, and five years after divorce. A
twenty-year follow-up study of the 201 children (now ages 21
dimensional process of family change. It has
through 45 1 is in progress. roots somewhere in the past, before the legal act
384 CHAPTER 23
transpired, and carries with it effects that extend The bonds created by families joined through
into the future. Each family member will be pro- marriage are similar to the bonds of the divorced
foundly affected by it: as members of a postdivorce family. In both types of families, a child gives rise
family, individuals will be forced to learn new to the continuing bond. In the family joined
ways of coping and of relating to the society at through marriage, the relationship between the two
large, as well as to each other. sets of in-laws usually determines the interrela-
tionships within the extended family system. The
style of relationship within the divorced family is
The Binuclear Family
usually based on the nature of the relationship be-
The process of divorcing culminates in a complex tween the divorced spouses.
redefinition of relationships within the family. Al-
though the structure of postdivorce families varies,
Transitions of the Divorce Process
some basic tasks must be accomplished in all sep-
arations. Once a family has established the ground Transitions are turning points, uncomfortable peri-
rules for living separately (for example, where the ods that mark the beginning of something new
children will reside or how visitation will be ar- while signifying the ending of something familiar.
ranged), the family needs to clarify rules for re- Although the changes may be anticipated with
lating within and across the various subsystems puzzlement and foreboding, they may also be ap-
within the family system, for example, the parental proached with exhilaration. During transitional pe-
subsystem or the parent-child subsystem. riods, families are more personally vulnerable, but
The multidimensional divorce process can be paradoxically, these are also the times when per-
viewed as a series of transitions that mark the fam- sonal growth is most likely to occur.
ily's change from married to divorced status. This Usually, when we think of transitions, we
process involves disorganizing the nuclear family think in terms of the biological developmental
and reorganizing it into a binuclear family. The bi- clock: adolescence, midlife, or aging. In defining
nuclear family consists of two households or sub- biological developmental transitions, in outlining
systems, maternal and paternal, which then form typical themes, common feelings, and experiences,
the nuclei of the child's family of orientation (Ahr- we normalize situations that otherwise would feel,
ons, 1979, 1980a). and appear to be, abnormal. When people know
Binuclear families are similar to extended kin what to expect, it doesn't take away all the up-
or quasi-kin relationships. In many families, for heaval, but it does help them to cope better with
example, the marriage of a child marks the begin- the difficult changes that the transition inevitably
ning of a quasi-kin relationship between the fami- brings. People experience great relief when they
lies of the newly married couple. In this quasi-kin can place themselves within a natural progression
structure, two families are bonded through the that has a beginning and an end. Although we usu-
marriage of their children. Jewish families have in- ally define transitions within developmental frame-
stitutionalized this nonblood familial relationship. works (e.g., birth of a first child, retirement), some
The Yiddish term "machetunim" means "relatives life transitions are unrelated to developmental or
through marriage." referring specifically to the resocial time clocks.
lationship between the family of the bride and the Unlike other transitions that occur more or
family of the groom (Rosten, 1989). Many Jewish less on predictable chronological timetables, di-
families frequently spend holidays and special vorce can occur at any time during the family life
events with their "machetunim." These two fami- cycle. Unlike expected transitions in the life cycle,
lies may or may not like each other, but amicability divorce has a greater potential to cause disequilib-
is not the primary reason for their gathering. They rium that can result in debilitating crises. And un-
gather not as intimates, but as "blood" relations. like family crises of sudden onset, the divorce
DIVORCE 385
process begins long before the actual decision to predictable transitions of disorganization followed
obtain a legal divorce. Divorce is an internal crisis by structured transitions of reorganization helps to
of relationship, a deliberate dissolution of the pri- at least reduce the intensity and duration of the cri-
mary bond in the family, and the family's identity sis. When families have knowledge of what to ex-
appears to be shattered. For most people, ending a pect with adequate role models to assist them, they
marriage is the most traumatic decision of their can better identify which decisions need to be
life.The usual ways of coping are unlikely to made —and when —and can then decide upon what
work. People often act in ways that no one around kind of new rules need to be established. The know-
them can make sense of. Abigail Trafford 1982) ( ledge and ability to plan facilitate their capacity to
refers to this period as "crazy time." cope more effectively during the crisis and manage
Stress, crisis, and adaptation are three con- the mass of overwhelming feelings. In effect, they
cepts that are often used in understanding how move the divorce process toward "normality."
families cope with a myriad of life's distressful The lack of adequate norms, knowledge, and
events, such as chronic illness, death of a loved role models has been detrimental for divorcing
one, and unemployment (Boss. 1987; McCubbin families. Clinicians working with them have also
& Patterson, 1983; Rodgers, 1986). Stress occurs lacked the knowledge and skills to help these fam-
when there is an imbalance (perceived or actual) ilies move through the transitions and emerge as
between what is actually happening the stres- — healthy binuclear families. New strategies for as-
sors —
and what family members feel capable of sisting families through the divorce process, such
handling. Crisis occurs when the stress exceeds the as mediation, psychoeducational workshops, co-
ability of individuals in the family to effectively parenting seminars, and divorce therapy, that in-
handle the stressors. All families have different corporate normative models are emerging and cre-
levels of tolerance —breaking points —beyond ating healthier outcomes for families.
which they are no longer able to cope with the sit-
uation. When too many things hit all at once, when

THE TRANSITIONS FRAMEWORK
stressors pile up, system overload sets in. When
the family's reservoir of coping behaviors be- Breaking down the very complex process of di-
comes depleted or outmoded and they do not know vorce into transitions —common developmental
what to do, they are in a crisis. steps —allows us to then explore the ways people
Divorce is ranked at the top of the list of adapt at each of the stages. Developed from my
stressful life events. Many stressors overlap in the longitudinal research on divorcing families, five
divorce transitions. All of the normal coping abili- overlapping transitions, each with distinct role
ties are taxed by complex personal and familial changes and tasks, were identified (Ahrons, 1980a,
changes. Add the lack of adequate role models of 1994; Ahrons & Rodgers, 1987). The first three
good divorces, the absence of clear-cut rules or rit- transitions— individual cognition, family meta-
uals for managing this new and unfamiliar stage of cognition,and systemic —form core
separation the
life, and the lack of external resources, such as of thedisorganizing emotional separation process.
community support and positive social sanctions, The two
last —systemic reorganization
transitions
and crisis is certainly a predictable outcome. and systemic — form family
redefinition the reor-
Ambiguity is a big contributor to stress (Boss, ganization process.
1983; Boss & Greenberg, 1984). For divorcing Although they are presented sequentially in
parents and their children, the knowledge that their their ideal developmental order, the transitions
family will continue to be a family, restructuring usually overlap. Each transition includes social
from a nuclear to a binuclear form, reduces some role transitions encompassing a complex interac-
of the debilitating ambiguity associated with dition of overlapping experiences. There is no neat
vorce. Understanding that divorce is a process with rule for when a particular transition will occur in a
386 CHAPTER 23
particular person or couple or for how long the highly stressful one, especially for the children,
transition will last. What we do know, from studies who often become pawns in the marital strife.
in the United States and from cross-national stud- Conflict-habituated marriages are less threatening
ies, regardless of cultural or national differences, is to some families than the uncertainty and change
that it takes most people between one and a half that accompany separation and divorce. In other
and three years after the initial separation to stabi- families, instead of open conflict, there are a dis-
lize their feelings (Cseh-Szombathy. Koch-Nielsen, tancing and withdrawal of emotional investment,
Trost, & Weda, 1985). Each transition is heralded both in the marriage and often in the family. In
by increased stress. At theend of the transition, the families with dependent children, it is not uncom-
stress tends to plateau or to decrease. mon to make a decision — albeit often not adhered
to — to stay in the marriage until the children are
grown. The dissatisfied partner may decide to invest
Individual Cognition: The Decision
emotional energy in extramarital interests while at-
The decision to end a marriage is usually far more tempting to maintain the facade of an intact family.
difficult and prolonged than the decision to marry. These patterns usually result in family dysfunction.
The dread of negative repercussions, of an uncer- When marital relationships are highly conflictual or
tain future, and of painful losses all combine to cold and distant, it is not unusual for a child living in
make the transition a wrenching and internally vi- that household to develop symptoms, which in rum
olent one. The first step toward divorce is rarely may prompt the family to seek therapy. In this way.
mutual. It begins within one person, often starting the "secret" may become exposed.
as a small, amorphous, nagging feeling of dissatis- common pattern that clinicians
Another very
faction. The feeling grows in spurts, sometimes see is the couple who come in for therapy with two
gaining strength, sometimes retreating, flaring up. different — but not openly stated — agendas. Al-
and again moving forward. For some people, this though both may come in for marriage counseling,
private simmering of unhappiness goes on for one partner has already emotionally disengaged
years. For others, a few months of depression may from the relationship and comes to therapy as a
be more they can bear. The hallmark of this transi- way to relieve his or her guilt. She or he can then
tion is ambivalence, accompanied by obsession, say, "I've tried everything to make this marriage
vacillation, and anguish. It is not uncommon for work, even marriage counseling." Or the disen-
the individual in the throes of this process to have gaged partner, fearful of the other partner's reac-
an affair and/or seek out a therapist. tion to the planned leave-taking, may seek out a
When an individual begins to seriously ques- therapist who can become the caretaker/rescuer
tion feelings for his or her mate, a passage of emo- of the soon-to-be left partner. In both cases, the
tional leave-taking takes place. This "erosion of therapist has the difficult task of trying to help the
love" starts slowly and may be barely noticeable at couple to honestly face their issues before any
first. Behaviors that were acceptable for years be- treatment contract can be arrived at.
come annoying: habits that were tolerated become Although a divorce often ends up being a mu-
intolerable. More and more "evidence" is collected tual decision, at the early stages there is one person
as a case is built to justify the decision to leave. (the initiator or leaver) who harbors the secret de-
Characteristic of the coping mechanisms in sire to leave and one person who is initially un-
this transition is the denial of marital problems. aware of that desire (the opposer or the left). In
Spouses also resort to blaming to obtain respite some cases, both partners may have had similar
from a situation that is perceived as intolerable. fantasies, but one person usually takes the first step
Marital conflicts usually escalate the search for and begins the process.
fault in the other spouse and often result in his or Leavers and lefts have very different feelings
her being labeled the culprit. This time can be a at the outset. The leaver has had the advantage
DIVORCE 387
early on of wrestling with his or her emotions, has Denial often follows any major shock. One
already started grieving, and has already detached common reaction is for the spouse to call the leav-
to some degree. The person being left is perceived ing partner's reasons frivolous. It is not uncommon,
to be the victim. This person's immediate reactions in the early phase right after the announcement oc-
range from disbelief and shock to outrage and de- curs, to think that a few minor changes becoming —
spair. The partners have unequal power at this more attentive or more attractive will help what —
point. The person being left is more vulnerable. seems to be an anomalous outburst to blow over.
Having had no time to prepare — to adapt to the Although it is rare, sometimes a new wardrobe,
overwhelming threat— the one being left is more flowers, extra telephone calls, and other efforts
likely to experience crisis at this point. do help temporarily, especially when the potential
Who takes the role of leaver and who takes the leaver is still very ambivalent.
role of left often relate to gender. In the United Leavers almost always portray a long, painful
States and most European countries, it is estimated process of leave-taking. The one being left is cop-
that between two thirds and three quarters of all di- ing not only with rejection but also with having to
vorces are initiated by women. One of the biggest develop an account after the fact. In the first two
factors leading to this statistic is the increase in phases of the process, the leaver commonly feels
women's economic independence. It is not that guilty; the left feels angry. Rarely is the process
women used to be happier in marriage than they symmetrical, let alone rational or mutual.
are today, but they often believed that they could In many cases, the announcement seems spon-
not survive outside of marriage without their hus- taneous, as much a dreadful surprise to the leaver as
band's money. Even today, the lowest divorce rate to the left. In these cases, the discomfort is often so
occurs in traditional marriages with breadwinner severe that the leaver (either consciously or uncon-
husbands and full-time homemaker wives. Not sciously) resorts to setting up a situation that will
only have women's economic opportunities ex- bring the issue into the open without anyone having
panded, so have their social opportunities. Even to accept responsibility. The leaver may get forget-
though we are still a very coupled society, it is ful and leave a lover's letter on the dresser, stay out
much easier today than was even 20 years ago to
it all night, or arrive home with the proverbial lipstick
live a full life as a single woman. Even so, many on the collar. Once discovered, the objects or events
women say that they left because they had no provoke a crisis, and it's over. Creating a crisis
choice. Stories of years of abuse, betrayal, or ab- makes it possible to shift the blame. The couple can
senteeism by their husband are common. then fight about whatever issue got raised in the cri-
sis, rather than dealing with the long-term issues of

their distressing marital relationship.
Family Metacognition: The Announcement
Proclaiming one's desire to separate from one's Betrayal and Blame. Statistics on extramarital
partner is no easy task. But for some couples, the affairs are very varied and highly unreliable, owing
announcement is as far as their marital crisis will to the unwillingness of many people to disclose
go. Sometimes, the moment of confrontation cre- them (Brown, 1991; Spring, 1996). But they are
ates an opportunity to actually improve a marriage. quite common to marital separations. What is
For other couples, the announcement is the first worse than the affair itself, more difficult to cope
step in a tangled escalating series of confrontations with, is the protective web of lies. As each lie gets
and reconciliations. For still others, one day uncovered or explodes during a battle about the af-
they're married and the next day they're not; the fair, the betrayed spouse begins to question the en-
announcement can also be a clear, direct, and tire history of the relationship. The betrayed person
sometimes almost instant path to separation and questions the betrayer closely, even obsessively,
divorce. trying to separate truth from fiction. The betrayer
—
388 CHAPTER 23
and the betrayed rarely see eye to eye on how much children they had planned for and the house they
talking is needed. were going to buy remain unrealized dreams. The
For a myriad of reasons, it is difficult for the couple with young children have to face that their
betrayer to be truthful. Perhaps he or she wants to future plans will never materialize: the wonderful
hold onto both the spouse and lover, wants to pro- skiing vacations they were planning to take in a
tect against possible legal ramifications, or does not couple of years or the camping trip to the Grand
want to inflict more pain. The betrayed senses that Canyon. The midlife couple who divorces after a
there is more and keeps pressing, trying to get to the long marriage may have had retirement plans that
bottom of things. The betrayer may comply for will never come to fruition: the long awaited trip to
awhile, then usually grows impatient with the con- Europe after the children were grown or that se-
stant focus and repetition. The betrayer thinks that cluded house at the lake.
the betrayed spouse is "carrying this too far." Blame Unresolved grieving for losses is a major de-
then shifts to the betrayed spouse for not letting go terrent to a making a healthy adaptation to divorce.
(Brown, 1991; Lerner, 1993; Spring, 1996). This Clinicians need to be aware that when anger is the
common and very predictable pattern, unfortu- major coping mechanism of a divorcing spouse,
nately, lays the groundwork for a highly acrimoni- uncovering the grief may need to be a very slow
ous and destructive divorce process. If a clinician is process. Otherwise, the depression may be so
brought into this process at this transition, she or he overwhelming that the spouse, especially if she or
may be able to help the couple to sort out the issues he is the primary parent, may not be able to func-
and to understand the power struggle that pervade tion in the parental role.
this process. However, all too often, the betrayer is This transition is key to the rest of the transi-
unwilling to commit to therapy, and the issue of tions. Family therapy at this time can be very pro-
"the affair" pervades the rest of the divorce transi- ductive. Sometimes, even a few sessions can help
tions. Although divorce is legally no-fault and adul- to clarify how to deescalate the anger whenever it
tery is no longer needed to show cause, blame often occurs during the divorce process. Additional ses-
plays a big role in the emotional divorce process. sions can help both children and adults to defuse
Rage, prejudicial myth making, depression, their terror about the major changes that divorce
and impulsive desires to retaliate are normal reac- brings; they can start to plan. To avert a serious cri-
tions for the partner who is being left. Anger plays sis requires that both partners show considerable
an important role when there is a bad blow to the patience, maturity, and honesty. Leavers need to
ego. It temporarily shields the betrayed spouse understand their partner's angry reaction and give
from facing devastating emotions: grief, rejection, him or her time to deal with it. Being able to talk
even self-hatred. If, over the course of the mar- about some of the changes that can be expected
riage, mutual anger has been buried, the anger can during the next transitions as the marriage is being
easily erupt in this transition. All the past injustices dismantled is important, as frustrating and difficult
that went unconfronted are replayed. Both the ear- as such talk may be. The more responsibly couples
lier denial and the current anger help the one who plan for a timely separation, the less likely it is to
has been left to cope with a life that is swinging out break down into debilitating crisis. For couples,
of control. being rational during such emotional times is often
impossible without the help of a therapist.
Loss. Divorce is marked by severe losses. Not
only are the losses related to the present life-style,
Systemic Separation: Dismantling
but there are also losses of future plans and fan-
the Nuclear Family
tasies. Even for the couple in the early stages of
marriage, there are powerful feelings of loss. Then- Most people remember the day they separated
whole dream of married life may be shattered; the not the day their divorce was legally awarded — as
DIVORCE 389
the day their divorce began. Separation day is one ing totally helpless and frequently culminates in a
of those marker events that divorced people never severe debilitating family crisis, such as a suicide
forget. For children, this is when they realize the attempt by one partner or a major clinical depres-
enormity of what is going on. even though they sion requiring hospitalization. Abandoned children
may have suspected or feared the prospect of some regress, get depressed, or act out. The rejection is
time. too great and too sudden to cope with.
Some couples and children feel a great sense Orderly separations have two common fac-
of relief at the separation transition, especially tors: good management and firm relationship
when the marriage had become highly stressful. boundaries. Good management requires knowing
Other families are overwhelmed with fear and anx- about and preparing for the transitions of divorce,
iety. For still others, it is the worst crisis point of averting crises by defusing tension at marker
all. Everyone experiences this transition as a time points, and giving the process enough time for ev-
of major disorganization, when the routines of ery one to adjust.
daily life go up in smoke. It's a time of anomie Boundaries are simply rules for how separated
normlessness. Old roles disappear; new ones have spouses will interact —and not interact. To construct
yet to form. The future of the family is unknown. good boundaries, spouses need to recognize how
There are no clear-cut rules for separating. their roles have changed. To keep the boundaries
Who moves out? How often should spouses confirm, new rules and rituals need to be developed.
tinue to see one another.' When (and what) should Role changing after divorce has two distinct
they tell Who will attend the
family and friends' 1 stages: coping with role losses and establishing
school conferences next week? Who will get the new roles. When someone retires, he or she loses
season tickets for the theater'.' Who will attend the the worker's role: when a parent dies, people may-
wedding of a mutual friend next month? These find themselves missing being someone's child.
types of questions, seemingly trivial but deeply When divorce occurs, there is the loss of the role of
resonant, plague newly separated people at all spouse to mourn and cope with.
stages of the family life cycle. For women in particular, the two roles of wife
and mother traditionally provide a central core of
Orderly and Disorderly Separations. Separations identity. Often, the two roles become enmeshed. It
fall on a continuum from orderly to disorderly, is not unusual to hear an ex-wife say "he left us."
from the anticipated to the utterly shocking. Or- The more a woman's identity is tied to a combined
derly separations are the least destructive. They are wife/mother role, the more likely she is to experi-
most likely to occur if there has been time for some ence this stress of role loss.
preparation and planning before the actual physi- Men's role loss after divorce may seem less
cal separation. Disorderly separations usually oc- pronounced than women's. Even though gender
cur when the earlier crisis points have not been roles are shifting, men are still more likely than
worked through. Separation involves major life women to define themselves by work and to define
changes, and it requires careful planning, espe- their roles as spouses more narrowly. The more de-
cially when there are children. Children have the manding and compelling his work, the more a man
right to know what's going on. and they need to can throw himself into it to fill up his time and
have adequate time to process it with both parents. thoughts, anesthetizing the pain of the separation.
Even couples with grown children need to prepare Even for the couple that divorces in the early
their adult offspring —and grandchildren — for the stages of marriage, the discomfort of role loss is
changes that separation entails. felt. Losing the role of being coupled and returning
Abrupt departures usually create severe crises to singleness are fraught with feelings of failure
for those left behind. It's the ultimate rejection and loss of status. For the longer-married couple,
abandonment. The abandonment leaves one feel- the extent of the role losses are more complex and
390 CHAPTER 23
severe. Their lives have usually been defined by What roles, rules, and rituals each family
their married status: friends, neighbors, commu- chooses to establish will vary depending on indi-
nity, and family all view them as a couple. Return- vidual preferences, sometimes on ethnic back-
ing to a single existence that they have not ground, and certainly on the particular life stage of
experienced for twenty or thirty years requires a the family.
totally new self-definition. Reconciliations are common during the sepa-
Rules are needed for any system to function. ration transition. The pain of separating, the con-
When one household becomes two, many of the tinuing bonds of attachment, the distress of
rules that are built into the marital system become children and extended family, and the realities of
instantly obsolete. New rules will be needed to de- divorce can cause couples to reunite. When the
fine a new relationship. Separated couples need to reconciliation is based on these reasons and not on
find ways to reduce the intimacy and appropri- a basic understanding and correction of the marital
ately increase their distance. Until the actual sep- problems, it is likely to be brief. In some families,
aration, a couple is usually unaware of how parents separate and reconcile briefly, perhaps sev-
interdependent their lives have become. Trial and eral times, increasing and prolonging the stress of
error may be necessary until they establish a new the separation. In the most common divorced fam-
comfort level. ily form, the mother and children remain as one
Rituals mark important transitions and events. unit while the father moves out and functions as a
They solidify, solemnize, and publicize our values. separate unit. The mother-headed household faces
They also quell our anxiety by showing us how to a dilemma: Should it reorganize and fill roles that
behave in the face of the unknown (Imber-Black & had been enacted by the physically absent father,
Roberts, 1992). Although plenty of rituals exist or should it maintain his psychological presence in
that help people to enter a marriage, welcome a the system by not reorganizing. If the mother-child
newborn, start a new job, or retire from one, there subsystem tries to reassign roles, the father's return
are no socially accepted rituals to mark the end of will be met with resistance. On the other hand, if
a marriage, the announcement of a divorce, the they deal with him as psychologically present, they
construction of a binuclear family, or the accep- perpetuate family disequilibrium and stress. These
tance of new and sometimes instant members into children face a difficult and very stressful transi-
a family of remarriage. No rites of passage exist to tion with the family in a constant state of disequi-
help mourn the losses, to help healing, or to help librium characterized by boundary ambiguity
solidify newly acquired roles. Unlike other impor- (Boss, 1987) created by the father's intermittent
tant transitions, divorce lies in a zone of ritual am- exit and return. This "on again, off again" marital
biguity (see Chapter 12). relationship often continues for years as the
While leaving its participants in a void with spouses resolve their ambivalence and make the
respect to public rituals, divorce also affects the transition to reorganization. This type of cyclical
private rituals that are so central to family life. pattern is evidenced more in highly dysfunctional
Daily rituals such as opening the mail together families, and family violence tends to be more
over coffee or walking together to get the newspa- prevalent in them (Kitson, 1992).
per are seamlessly woven into the texture of family As the marital separation is shared with ex-
life: the more elaborate rituals that many families tended family, friends, and the community, the
construct around birthdays and holidays will also tasks of the economic and legal processes begin.
disappear or change, leaving gaping wounds. These mediating factors can help or hinder the
When the nuclear family is dismantled in the wake transitional process. The couple usually encoun-
of divorce, it is also necessary to dismantle what ters the legal system at this time and faces addi-
seemed like apermanent point of view of a portion tional stress as they confront economic hardship
of the past, present, and future. and child-focused realities. This may escalate the
DIVORCE 391
crisis, since spouses now need to divide what they a process of letting go while still holding on. They
had previously shared. have to begin the most difficult task of terminating
their marital relationship while redefining their pa-
Legal Issues. Although no-fault divorce legisla- rental one.
tion reflects changing social attitudes, the legal

system still operates on an adversarial model.
Systemic Reorganization:
Based on a win-lose game, the legal divorce fre-
The Binuclear Family
quently escalates the spousal power struggle, add-
ing additional stress to the already disorganized The presence of children, at any stage in the family
system. If a couple chooses to mediate their differ- life cycle process, requires that divorced parents
ences instead of using the traditional adversarial restructure their lives in ways that allow children to
model requiring different legal representation by continue their relationships with both parents. The
each spouse, they are less likely to escalate the fa- nuclear family is now dissolved, and the highly
milial stress. Although mediation has only recently complex and varied process of reorganizing needs
been introduced as a conciliatory method of re- to begin.
solving divorce disputes, it has the most promise How a family reorganizes is crucial to the
for helping couples to reach an amicable solution health and well-being of its family members. Re-
to the complex issues of custody, support, and search clearly identifies several major factors that
property settlement. As a method that encourages contribute to the healthy adjustment of children:
couples to be responsible for their own family de-
cisions, it also teaches them problem-solving tech- 1. Children need to have their basic economic
niques that will be useful throughout their post- and psychological needs met.
divorce family life. Couples that choose litigation 2. They need support for maintaining the famil-
over mediation are more likely to continue to re- ial relationships in their lives that were impor-
sort to litigation whenever they encounter inevita- tant and meaningful to them before the divorce.
ble postdivorce conflicts. That usually means not only parents but ex-
Economics and custody are two arenas in tended family, such as grandparents.
which gender differences clearly emerge. Mothers 3. They benefit when the relationship between
are more likely to carry the major responsibilities their parents ( whether married or divorced) is
for children, whether they get full custody or share generally supportive and cooperative.
custody in a joint legal custody arrangement. Al-
though it differs by state, well over 80 percent of The reorganization into a binuclear family in
mothers have either full custody or primary physi- which these three major factors are present pro-
cal custody. In terms of economics, women tend to vides children with the opportunity to survive di-
end up with less money and men with more. Al- vorce without long-term psychological damage. In
though studies differ in the percentages they report, most binuclear families, the children divide their
there is agreement that women's income is reduced living time — in a wide range of patterns — between
by 15 to 30 percent, while men's income often re- the households. Some children divide their time
mains the same or increases or decreases slightly. fairly equally, either splitting the week or spending
These first three turbulent transitions form the one week or longer in each household. Other chil-
core of the emotional divorce process. The linger- dren spend a majority of their time in one house-
ing feelings of attachment, ambivalence, and the hold, and still others alternate between households
ambiguity of the future combine in complex ways on a flexible, irregular pattern. The importance of
to make this a time of deep soul searching, anxious the binuclear family model is that the family re-
discomfort, and vacillating but intense desires. For mains a family, although the structure is ver> differ-
couples with children, whether young or older, it is ent than it was before the divorce. Giving divorced
392 CHAPTER 23
families a name that acknowledges that families clear Family Study, five typologies emerged: per-
continue to be families even after divorce encour- fect pals, cooperative colleagues, angry associates,
ages the development of new, more functional role fiery foes. and. dissolved duos. Perfect pals are a
models for divorcing families. It also gives them a small group of divorced spouses who remain close
legitimate status and removes from them the stigma friends. If they have children, they are almost al-
of social deviancy. ways joint custody parents who. equitably sharing

child-rearing responsibilities, are good problem
The Former Spouse Relationship. To maximize solvers with few conflicts.
the potential for these three factors requires a ma- The cooperative colleagues are a larger group
jor transformation in the former spouse relation- who would not call each other friends but who
ship. Each parent must find new ways of relating manage for the most part to have an amicable rela-
independently with the child while they simulta- tionship. They are child-focused, and although
neously develop new rules and behaviors with they have conflicts, they are able to separate their
each other. This co-parenting relationship is cen- marital from their parental roles, not allowing the
tral to the functioning of the binuclear family in former to contaminate the latter. When they are un-
much the same way as the relationship between able to resolve a conflict, they are likely to choose
married spouses is central to the function of the nu- a mediator or therapist to help them rather than to
clear family. resort to litigation. Some have shared custody: oth-
In the past, there was some disbelief that di- ers elect to have a primary parent, but both fathers
vorced partners could have an amicable relation- and mothers remain important and involved in
ship. The lack of language to describe the former their children's lives. A number of studies have
spousal relationship, except in terms of a past rela- found that about half the divorced parents fit into
tionship ( e.g.. "ex" or "former"), is an indication of this broad category (Ahrons, 1994; Goldsmith,
the lack of acceptance of it as a viable form. The 1980: Maccoby & Mnookin. 1992: Wallerstein &
general distrust of a continuing relationship after Kelly. 1980).
divorce is reflected in the prevailing stereotype that Angry associates are quite similar to coopera-
former spouses must, of necessity, be antago- tive colleagues in some ways: parents in these
nists — otherwise, why would they divorce? This groups continue to interact and have involvement
stereotype is reinforced by a bias in the available in their children's lives. The major difference be-
clinical material. Clinicians tend to see only diffi- tween the cooperative colleagues and the angry
cult or problematic former spousal relationships, associates is that the latter group cannot separate
while well-functioning divorced families are less their parental and marital issues. When there is
apt to seek professional intervention. conflict about the children, it quickly fuses with an
Unlike the popular stereotype that former old marital fight. Power struggles are common to
spouses are. of necessity, mortal enemies, the real- this group: their separation and divorce battles of-
ities are that there is as much complexity and vari- ten involved custody disputes and long legal bat-
ation in these relationships as there is in married tles over financial matters. Fiery foes are hostile
spouses relationships. Former spouse relationships and angry all the time: the ex-spouse is their mortal
form a continuum with the very angry and hostile enemy, and they are unable to co-parent. Like con-
relationships at one end and the very friendly at the flict-habituated married couples, they are still very
other.There are a multitude of relationship varia- emotionally attached to each other, although they
tions between the two extremes (Ahrons. 1981: would be quick to deny it. Their divorces tended to
Ahrons & Wallisch. 1986). have been highly litigious, involving extended
family and friends, with legal battles continuing
Co-Parenting Relationships. In analyzing the for many years after the divorce. With both angry
relationships between former spouses in the Binu- associates and fiery foes as parents, children usu-
DIVORCE 393
ally suffer from devastating loyalty conflicts and ents are partners, but the kind of limits that are set
often lose significant relationships with extended on that partnership are determined by their relation-
kin. ship. Perfect pals can have a very flexible and often
In the dissolved duos, ex-spouses have no fur- unwritten type of contract because they are able to
ther contact with one another, and one parent as- negotiate easily. Most cooperative colleagues find
sumes totally responsibility for the children. Of the that they need to have a more structured agreement,
five groups, these families are the only ones that fit outlining children's living schedules, how holidays
the "single-parent" category'. will be spent, who goes to what meetings, who
pays for what needs, and so on. Angry associates
Establishing Boundaries. While in the earlier need an even more structured agreement, often
transitions, the absence of clear boundaries and the stating specifics about what a parent can and can-
high ambiguity create most of the stress, in this re- not do with children. Fiery foes usually have ev-
organization transition, the clarification of the erything possible written in a legal contractual
boundaries generates the distress. Boundaries are form, although they are most likely to violate their
hot issues in all intimate relationships, not just di- contracts.
vorce. They touch off unresolved conflicts or crash In the perfect pal and cooperative colleague
into opposing strongly held values. Among ex- families, ex-spouses often choose to spend some
spouses, money and new loves often are the touchi- holidays together, attend children's events to-
est issues, bound to set off escalating battles. Often, gether, and share information about children's
an old repetitious fight that the couple has engaged needs. In angry associate and fiery foe families,
masked in the details of liv-
in for years continues, parallel parenting is the norm. They operate inde-
ing separately. One major arena for these power pendently as parents, not sharing information or
struggles to flourish in relates to the children. events.
All divorcing parents know how important it Even midlife and later-life couples with adult
is to make decisions on the basis of their children's children need to have some agreement about how
best interests. But the worst arguments can happen their postdivorce family will function. Will both
over what exactly these interests are. Which school parents attend the child's wedding? Will they sit
Johnny should attend, although couched in an ar- at the same table for the celebration dinner? Will
gument over his best interests, usually boils down both grandparents attend their grandchild's birth-
to a pitched battle about which parent has more au- day party or graduation? Establishing clear bound-
thority, more power, more control over Johnny's aries is important across all stages of the family life
life. In reality, although "the best interests of the cycle.

child" is a concept that is commonly accepted and
heavily relied upon by judges, lawyers, mediators,
Family Redefinition: The Aftermath
and therapists, there is little consensus about the
criteria (Kelly, 1997). A family's redefinitional process frequently in-
All parents, whether married or divorced, cludes remarriage and the introduction of step-
have parenting conflicts. How they affect children parents into the postdivorce family. Remarriage
is determined by how the parents resolve their con- creates a series of transitions that are beyond the
flicts. In binuclear families, it is necessary to more scope of this chapter (see Chapter 25) but are part
specifically construct firm boundaries —between of the ongoing transitions of family redefinition.
households, in each parent-child relationship, and For some families, a potential remarriage partner
between ex-spouses. To co-parent effectively re- or spouse-equivalent may become part of the fam-
quires a contract that sets out the rules and roles in ily system before the legal divorce and at the early
the binuclear family. This contract — what I call a phases of the reorganization transition. Some un-
limited partnership agreement —assumes that par- named (e.g., the relationships between mothers
394 CHAPTER 23
and stepmothers) and thus unsanctioned relation- of the legal marital system, have kinship structures
ships within the binuclear family structure take on similar to those of the African American family.
an importance in the redefinitional process. They For children, the family structures that incorporate
are kin or quasi-kin relationships in the context of extended family, fictive and quasi-kin, and family
the binuclear family (Ahrons & Wallisch, 1987). relationships by choice are more likely to remain
Relationships between parents and stepparents intact if the primary love relationship wanes. Be-
in the binuclear family provide an important emo- cause family roles are more ambiguous in gay and
tional continuity for both parents and children. It lesbian families, they may also prepare children
facilitates this transition by redefining the divorced better to accept the ambiguity that is inherent when
family so that the amount of relationship loss expe- families change their structure.
rienced by children and parents is minimized. Lesbians, who are socialized, as most women
Family values and structures of many African are, to value emotional connectedness, often try to
American families provide a helpful model for bi- remain friends or family after the breakup of a love
nuclear families. The African American family is relationship. Their subsequent connection may
centered on the children, the family unit often being take various forms: focusing on co-parenting chil-
defined as including all those involved in their nur- dren, celebrating holidays or vacations together, or
turance and support. Encouraging extended family remaining friends within a close circle. As with
relationships for the benefit of the children allows postdivorce heterosexual couples, the transforma-
for continued responsibility regardless of changes tion from lovers to friends takes a lot of work, but
in marital relationships. Unlike the traditional fam- many women are committed to the process (Shum-
ily structure favored by most White American fam- sky, 1997). In married and divorced heterosexual
ilies, the African American family structure is less relationships, women tend to be the kinkeepers of
based on the legal relationship between spouses; the family, whether nuclear or binuclear. In the Bi-
hence, divorce is less likely to interfere with the nuclear Family Study, the findings show that the
child's familial ties (Boyd-Franklin, 1989; Crosbie- relationship between mothers and stepmothers was
Burnett & Lewis, 1993). If the assumption of pa- much more emotional and interactive than was the
rental responsibility is not based on blood kin, then relationship between fathers and stepfathers (Ahr-
divorce is less likely to be as disruptive to the ons & Wallisch. 1987).
child's family relationships. Gay men, on the other hand, like most men, of-
One important and frequently overlooked ten lack the vocabulary or emotional access to their
strength that many ethnic families have when di- feelings of loss after a breakup. This is especially
vorce occurs is their bicultural socialization. Chil- true of the sometimes ambiguous relationships that
dren in these families usually have to learn to live occur in gay male culture, in which open contracts
in two cultures simultaneously — that of their eth- may permit casual or transient affairs to coexist
nic community and that of the wider society with long-term relationships (Shernoff, 1997).
(Crosbie-Burnett & Lewis, 1993). This accultura- Of course, HIV and AIDS also have a pro-
tion process could be a very helpful model for a found effect on gay male relationships, in which
child in learning to live in the two household cul- there may be fear of a partner's HIV-positive status,
tures of the binuclear family. If one parent remar- guilt if one's own status is negative, or a tendency to
ries and there are children from another family stay together when both partners are negative,
(step-siblings), being bicultural could facilitate largely because it is safe (Remien, 1997). In all of
their being better able to accommodate the differ- these circumstances, it is extremely important for
ent family cultures that ordinarily create consider- the therapist to help those who want to break up to
able stress for stepfamilies do so in the least destructive and most caring way,
Although we have no research data, it is likely helping them to remain connected if that is desir-
that gay and lesbian families, who operate outside able. The gay community. Remien reminds us, is
DIVORCE 395
full of stories of ex-lovers who are at their ex- (3 i both ex-spouse integrate the divorce into their
partners" bedside and who maintain a bond that lives in a health) way. Although the structure of
nourishes them both. the family has been altered, parents continue to
The struggle to define all of these relation- enact their parental roles, and the process of so-
ships and transitions for themselves — coupling, cializing and being responsible for their children's
parenting, breaking up — is made both more diffi- emotional and economic needs continues.
cult and more creative by the fact that they exist Bad divorces are those in which spouses are
outside of society's social and legal rules. Where unable or unwilling to settle their marital related
children are concerned, however, the non legal conflicts without enmeshing the children in their
standing of a nonbiological. noncustodial parent divorce drama. Children in these divorces often
can create devastation for someone who may for lose a relationship \\ ith one parent (usually the fa-
years have been a co-parent or even a primary par- ther), are caught in painful loyalty conflicts about
ent of her or his partner's children (Sundquist, their parents, and suffer irreparable emotional
1997). Interestingl}. when a remarriage ends in a damage.
divorce, this same dilemma holds true for a step- By understanding the normal transitions of
parent, who has emotional but no legal, biological, the divorce process, clinicians can help their cli-
or custodial ties to the child. ents to better understand and cope with the emo-
Many agonizing dilemmas arise about hold- tional, legal, and practical tasks they need to
ing on or letting go and trying to figure out "the complete. By providing information and knowl-
best interests of the child" as adult relationships edge, clinicians can help divorcing couples to
shift. Karen Sundquisf s article ( 1997) on this sub- make decisions based on their children's best inter-
ject ends with a statement about her relationship ests. And by learning and teaching important con-
with her ex-partner's children that holds true for all flict reduction techniques, they can assist parents
of us: "I am convinced that these bonds of family to make the many complex decisions that will need
we form are not disposable and should not be eas- to be addressed.
ilv broken." Because divorce is a legal decision with eco-
nomic repercussions, clinicians need to be aware of
how the legal process works in their state. Even
though all states now have no-fault legislation,
CLINICAL OVERVIEW
many divorces continue to be adversarial. Learning
A model of divorce, characterizing it as a norma- which lawyers in your community are open to
tive process rather than evidence of pathology or collaboration with a therapist and which -lawyers'
dysfunction, has been presented in this chapter st\les are more mediative than adversarial will be
This is aimed at helping clinicians transcend prev- very helpful to the clinician's continuing work with
alent stereotypes and myths. thereb\ creating clin- the divorcing family. For the divorcing couple, as
ical guidelines for treating families of divorce. well as the therapist working with them, the impact
Within this model, clinicians can recognize the of the legal system on the emotional process is
transitions of the divorce process and help client complex and has the potential to be counterproduc-
families cope more effectively during this \ery tive to the therapist's goals. It is best to encourage
painful and complex process. They can then iden- the divorcing couple to make as many decisions to-
tify what differentiates divorces that are success- gether as possible before engaging the legal system.
ful or "good" from those that are unsuccessful or As was noted earlier, mediation is a very helpful
"bad." was tor divorcing couples to settle their differences
Quite simply, a good divorce has three major in a mutual problem-sol ving approach.
objectives: The family remains a family: 2 the
( 1 1 1 1 The economics of divorce filter into every as-
negative effects on children are minimized: and pect of the divorce process. It is important for the
396 CHAPTER 23
clinician to understand how money was managed are overwhelmed by the legal and economic deci-
during the marriage. In a more traditional mar- sions they face. The way they may want to cope
riage, the wife frequently knows little about the with their lack of knowledge is to allow others to
financial picture. In such cases, the husband has decide for them. They may also be so uncomfort-
more power in the discussion of finances. Al- able with the process that they are willing to settle
though a therapist should never give financial and compromise too quickiy to avoid continuing to
advice or try to settle the overall economic distri- function in an arena in which they feel powerless.
bution (unless formally trained and acting as a This may cause them to agree to an economic set-
divorce mediator), it is important to have an under- tlement that does not give them the future financial
standing of how money is used in the negotiation security that they will need. Women, socialized to
of the divorce. be nice, often have a difficult time holding their
In marriages with dependent children, finan- own in a conflictual situation. The therapist has an
cial issues are entwined with custody decisions. important role in helping a women in that situation
When a wife has been the primary caretaker of the to understand her own dynamics about money and
children and the husband has been the primary to help her learn to cope with negotiating in a con-
breadwinner, the most common scenario is that the flictual dispute.
children represent power for the mother and Finally, it is important for the clinician to re-
money represents power for the father. This gets member that divorce affects the entire family sys-
played out in the emotional terrain, often in very tem. Parents and siblings of the divorcing couple
subtle and complex ways. usually become very involved in the process. When
In marriages with older or adult children, there are children, the grandparents, aunts, uncles,
women often have less power in the negotiations and cousins are all part of the kinship network. In
than men do. These midlife divorces are frequently good divorces, the kinship network continues satis-
the ones that result in women becoming "displaced fying relationships with the children and frequently
homemakers." The common situation is that of the with the divorcing in-law. In angry divorces, kin
wife, who either has left a job to take care of chil- often take biological sides, creating breaches in
dren and home or is less educated than her hus- relationships with the children as well. Clinicians
band, finding herself at midlife having to seek a job would be wise to ask about extended family rela-
without adequate experience, education, or train- tionships and be open to bringing relatives into the
ing. Her earning potential is often much less than sessions to help them sort out their issues.
that of her husband. The law often does not pro- Working with divorce requires a complex
vide adequate repayment to women for the years multilevel approach (Ahrons, 1996). Clinicians
they devoted to caring for the family. A woman of need to be aware of their own biases and stereo-
50 may find herself without retirement or Social types, and they need to correct for them by gaining
Security benefits. Therapists need to be aware of adequate knowledge of the emotional, legal, and
these gender inequities and educate women about economic divorce processes. They need to look
their rights. through a wide-angle lens and incorporate both
Another area in which women may be at a dis- spouses' families of origin. Ethnic, racial, and gen-
advantage is that they are frequently not as com- der differences need to enter into the therapeutic
fortable in negotiations or dealing with lawyers, equation, as do the family's developmental life cy-
accountants, and other professionals. When women cle transitions. A therapist who chooses to work
have not been actively employed outside the home with divorcing families will need to tolerate high
or have worked in jobs with considerably less level of conflicts and cope with complex painful
compensation than their husbands, they are less emotions.
likely to understand the economic world to which Therapy with divorcing families is a challeng-
their husbands may be more attuned. Women often ing and difficult process for both the therapist and
DIVORCE 397
the family. Working with a family and taking them healthy, functioning binuclear family, is a goal
through the process, helping them to emerge as a worth striving for.
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(Eds.). Close relationships: Development, dynam- ily Psychology. 7, 39-56.
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Boss, P. (1987). Family stress. Beverly Hills. CA: effects of divorce and custody arrangements on
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McCubbin. H.. & Patterson. J. ( 1983). The family stress Shumsky, E. (1997). Making up the rules: Lesbian ex-
process: The double ABCX model of adjustment lover relationships. In the Family, 14—15.
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Patterson (Eds.). Social stress and the family: Ad- rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful.
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can complicate a break-up. In the Family, 18-19. divorce transforms families. New York: The Guil-
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Rodgers, R. ( 1986). Postmarital reorganization of family every-third-weekend and -Tuesday ex-co-mom. In
relationships: A prepositional theory. In S. Duck & the Family. 20-21.27.
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Chapter 24
SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES
STRENGTHS, VULNERABILITIES,
AND INTERVENTIONS
CAROL M. ANDERSON
When there is a commitment to living and loving together, there is family.
— Joan Anderson, The Single Mother's Book
Most single parents provide the structure, values, and more supportive communities; or it could
and nurturance that their children need, despite the make divorce more difficult and single parenting
hardships they experience and the bad press they close to impossible by failing to enforce the pay-
receive. Their homes are not "broken," their lives ment of child support, eliminating welfare, ne-
are not miserable, and both parent and children glecting the needs of the children of the working
thrive while managing the added tasks required of poor, and then blaming mothers for the problems
them. Unfortunately, rather than focusing on these that result. Unfortunately, we seem to have chosen
strengths, we consistently concentrate on the prob- the second alternative.
lems: the breakdown of traditional family values, Society's failure to provide single parents with
the deleterious effect of divorce on children, the ir- financial, social, or psychological support not only
responsibility of teen parents. If single parents are contributes to their distress, but requires that each
overwhelmed by the tasks of raising children on single-parent family individually address and con-
their own, they lack organization, determination, or quer problems that could be better addressed collec-
parenting skills. If they work, they are neglecting tively. Our critical attitudes are also reflected in a
their children; if they do not, they are no doubt lazy vast but flawed literature that clearly documents the
"welfare moms" getting rich off the federal deficit. problems of children and parents in single-parent
If it takes a village to raise a child, it's easy to families (Acock & Demo, 1994; Arendell, 1986;
understand the difficulties of single parents who Furstenberg & Cherlin, 1991; Hetherington, Cox,
are attempting to maintain healthy families, raise & Cox. 1978; Kalter et al, 1985; Shaw & Emery,
their children, and have some semblance of a life 1987; Simons & Johnson, 1996; WaUerstein &
for themselves in the context of unsupportive com- Blakeslee, 1989) but contains few attempts to
munities. They have an overload of child care and study the many single women and single men who
household chores, limited time and energy for their are actually successfully raising children. Too of-
own interests, and frequently insufficient money to ten, the goal seems to be proving an ideological
cover their basic needs. Our society could respond point rather than genuinely increasing our under-
to these families in two ways: It could make poli- standing of why some are capable of responding
cies and develop programs that would provide sin- well to the unique problems, needs, and tasks of
gle mothers with a living wage, better child care. single parenthood.
399
400 CHAPTER 24
We are told that children who grow up in a over one third of all American families with chil-
household with only one biological parent are dren under the age of 1 8 and over 6 1 percent of Af-
worse off, on average, than children who grow up rican American families (Children's Defense Fund,
in a household with two, regardless of the parents' 1997). Today, there are over 15 million single-par-
race or educational background (McLanahan & ent households, over 14 million of them headed by
Sandefur, 1994). But this and other studies docu- mothers. The category of single-parent household is
menting higher rates of dysfunction in the children an increasingly heterogeneous one. It includes an
of single mothers fail to sort out the relative impact increasing number of poor never-married minority
of poverty (Edin & Lein. 1997), a history of living women who are struggling to raise two or three
in a dysfunctional or abusive family (Furstenberg & children on welfare, but it is also growing across
Cherlin. 1991: Demo & Acock. 1988). or the fam- all socioeconomic groups, the greatest increase be-
ily's stage of adjustment to divorce. Yet poverty is ing among the affluent and well educated. There
associated with many factors beyond single parent- are never-married career women with six-figure
hood. Poor parents have less education and fewer incomes who can afford private schools and full-
resources, frequently have less helpful networks, time child care, gay and lesbian parents, a small
and live in more troubled communities (Hall. Gur- but increasing number of single fathers, and a large
ley, Sachs, & Kryscio. 1991: Simons, 1996), all group of divorced women who have exchanged
factors that influence the development of children. marriage for going it alone with their children
Poverty is such a strong determinant of well-being (Gottfried & Gottfried, 1994; Malson, 1986; Okun,
that it accounts for about half of the disadvantage in 1996). Even though high rates of remarriage cause
children's lower achievement: and when its influ- life in divorced single-parent households to be
ence is factored out, the differences between the temporary, over half the children born in the
adjustment of children in one- and two-parent 1990s will spend all or some of their childhood in
families all but disappear (Demo & Acock, 1988: a single-parent household (Furstenberg & Cherlin,
McLanahan & Booth, 1989; Simons, 1996). In addi- 1991; Lamb. Sternberg, & Thompson, 1997).
tion, divorce is associated with a history of marital The issues of single mothers differ signifi-
conflict, family tensions, alcoholism, and chronic cantly from those of single fathers. Single mothers
abuse, all factors that can be devastating for child are more likely to be poor or on welfare; single fa-
development... (see Chapters 27 & 28). Finally, thers are more likely to be financially secure (Bar-
there is already evidence that the short-term nega- ber & Eccles, 1992). Single mothers tend to be
tive impact of divorce on children does not always criticized; single fathers tend to be seen as noble.
hold in the long term, especially if the children are On the other hand, single mothers are also more
cared for by a supportive adult (Amato. 1993; likely to have an available network to provide psy-
Blechman. 1982: Elder. Van Nguyen, & Caspi, chological and practical support; single fathers are
1985; Friedman & Andrews. 1990; McLanahan & likely tobe more isolated. Because it is by far the
Booth. 1989). These three factors —family dysfunc- most prevalent form of single-parent family, this
tion, the possibly temporary trauma of divorce, and chapter will emphasize the issues of single moth-
above all poverty —may account for more of the ers and their children. Therapists will be urged to
variance in child outcome than single parenthood. counter the negative social forces that make up the
social context of single-parent families by taking a
longitudinal perspective that emphasizes the capa-
CHANGING PREVALENCE AND PATHWAYS
bilities of parents and children for resilience and
Addressing the needs and problems of single-parent adaptation. Using this perspective, therapists can
families is crucial, since their numbers have in- help parents to overcome the immediate chal-
creased more than threefold in the last twenty years lenges they face by affirming their ability to parent
(Gringlas & Weinraub. 1995). currently making up their children and helping them to mobilize a sup-
SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES 401
poitive community. Effective management of im- their networks. Similarly, while the immediate post-
mediate challenges will also help to increase the divorce years are particularly stressful (Garfinkel
self-esteem of parents and children, give them the & McLanahan, 1986; McLanahan and Sandefur,
skills and courage to reach out to extended family 1994), this painful reality also is often temporary
and friends, and build bridges of competence to (Ahrons, 1994; Emery, 1988). Even children who
the future. It is a challenge for many therapists to serve as message carriers or pawns in the marital
work effectively with single-parent families be- wars, deal with a series of cut-offs from previous-
cause societal views are reinforced by the perva- ly significant adults and other children, or manage
sive focus on pathology in clinical training. Many their grandparents' disapproval of the single par-
therapists find it difficult to accept the fact that the ent's new lifestyle tend to overcome these stressful
presence of problems in single-parent families is experiences, particularly if they are nurtured by a

not necessarily evidence of individual inadequa- supportive adult or, in the case of divorce, if their
cies, moral weaknesses, or intrapsychic turmoil. parents are able to work out some sort of coopera-
Even so. there are very real individual problems tive contract (Ahrons, 1981; Emery, 1988; Friede-
within many of these families, and our caseloads man & Andrews, 1990).
contain a disproportionate number of single par- Nevertheless a substantial minority of the
ents requesting help. But these parents and chil- children of single parents have more than their fair
dren also have strengths and resilience, both of share of problems, and it is these children who are
which must be appreciated and acknowledged be- most likely to be seen by therapists, particularly
fore we can see their lives in perspective and help those working in the mental health centers of inner
them to address the challenges they face, whatever cities. A variety of problems are common, includ-
the causes. ing poor academic performance, low self-esteem,
acting out, or difficulties with peers (Amato &
Keith. 1991; Conger et al., 1992; Hetherington.
THE ADAPTATION OF CHILDREN
Cox, & Cox, 1978; Furstenberg. Brooks-Gunn &
IN SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES
Morgan, 1987; Gringlas & Weinraub, 1995; Heth-
THROUGH THE LIFE CYCLE
erington, Cox, & Cox, 1978; McLanahan & San-
The impact of being raised in a single-parent fam- defur, 1994; Samuelsson, 1994; Simons, Beaman,
ily on children's well-being is significant and com- Conger,& Chao, 1992; Simons, Johnson, Beaman.
plex, though there is considerable disagreement as & Conger, 1993; Wallerstein, 1987; Zill, 1990). Of
to exactly what it is and whether it is lasting (Alli- those whose parents are divorced, these are proba-
son & Furstenberg. 1989: Demo & Acock, 1988; bly the children who are more likely to have irreg-
Hetherington 1989; HoUoway & Machida, 1992). ular contact with their noncustodial parent and his
All children need supportive adults who are func- or her network or to have parents who cannot agree
tioning well enough to provide consistent nur- on visitation arrangements. It is up to therapists to
turance, values, and limits. All children also want a learn about the impact of these factors and help
"'normal" family, one that's just like everyone single-parent families to use their strengths and
else's. Children whose parents have divorced, their network of family and friends to manage
whose parent has died, or whose parents never these problems.
married are less likely to experience their families
as either predictable or normal, but they can and do
VALIDATING THE HISTORY AND
adjust to their circumstances. Those who are raised
PRESENT OF SINGLE-PARENT
by poor single parents from infancy may have to
FA\nLY EXPERIENCES
cope with more financial stresses and often a frag-
mented or chaotic household, but even these chil- Contrary to the cries of alarm from some quarters,
dren can learn how to get their needs met within there is no real evidence that marriage is going out
402 CHAPTER 24
of style. Most women want to be mothers in the perverse game of dominoes, a mother's coping in-
context of a marriage or at least in the context of a fluences her child's adjustment, and if a mother's
long-term loving relationship. While they can and needs are not addressed, there is a negative impact
do create satisfying lives on their own, their status on her child's mental health and response to ther-
as single parents is usually achieved by default: A apy (Dover etal.. 1994; Hall etal., 1991; Holloway
relationship has not worked, or a marriage has & Machida, 1992; Shear. Anderson, & Greeno.
ended, usually for very good reasons. Whether their 1997).
past relationships involved abuse and abandon- It is important to emphasize that the signifi-
ment or simply unresolvable conflict, single moth- cance of maternal well-being is not raised here to
ers almost certainly have had to deal with the blame mothers yet again, but to emphasize the im-
fallout of loss, disappointment, and the opinions portance of addressing their needs. If a mother suf-
of those around them that they have failed at a fers from depression, low self-esteem, or simply
woman's prime mission, maintaining her family. task overload, it certainly isn't her fault, and the
With this personal and social baggage as a back- demoralizing impact of these forces must be coun-
drop, both never-married and divorced women entered before she can provide for the needs of her
tering single motherhood must shift to lives of children. Therapists can facilitate this process by
constant responsibility and of managing their fam- working with her to create webs of support, recog-
ilies alone. The lives into which these mothers nizing and reinforcing her strengths, and reinforc-
move also can be expected to be stressful. Com- ing her role as family executive. Family therapists
pared to their married counterparts, they work are in a unique position to help single mothers. Un-
longer hours, face more stressful life changes, have fortunately, when mothers bring their families for
more economic problems, and are less supported help, too often their ambivalent or negative feel-
emotionally and in their parent role. It is not sur- ings about therapy are exacerbated by therapists
prising that they are more psychologically vulner- who try to ingratiate themselves with children at
able (Burden, 1986; Compas & Williams, 1990; the mother's expense, getting caught in a triangle
Gringlas & Weinraub, 1995; McLloyd & Wil- between the parent and child or even between the
son. 1990; Stack, 1989; Travato& Lauris, 1989; parent and her family of origin. More behaviorally
Tschann, Johnston. & Wallerstein, 1989). oriented family therapists limit their interventions
to advice on better parenting, stressing charts and
token economies that are often unrealistic, given
ENGAGING SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES
the mother's daily life and resources. Even worse,
IN THERAPY
therapists of many theoretical models implicitly
Given what we know about their history and their blame single mothers for their children's problems.
current reality, it would seem obvious and inevita- These therapist behaviors are all the more problem-
ble that when therapists see single mothers, their atic because single-parent families are most likely
well-being would be made a major target of assess- to come for help at three very sensitive points in
ment and intervention. It is not. In part, this may be time.They come immediately after a divorce, as the
the result of society's apparent assumption that all family works to manage reactions to loss and create
mothers should meet needs, not have them, but it a new structure (Kissman & Allen, 1993); when
also may be because mothers frequently do not parent coping has been compromised by depression
seek or accept help for themselves (Dover, Leahy, or overwork (Downey & Coyne, 1990): and, most
& Foreman, 1994). In the context of busy sched- frequently, as children encounter academic and
ules and task overload, they may view therapy as behavioral difficulties (Westcot & Dries. 1990). To
just one more time-consuming burden and may be- engage a single mother at these times, therapists
lieve that they wouldn't be so stressed if only their should pay special attention to the experiences she
children would be better behaved. However, like a has had on the journey to their current status and ac-
knowledge her current struggles to succeed at the of these contacts is important (Olson, Kieschnik.
hard job of raising children without the sanction of Banyard. & Ceballo, 1994) and must be assessed
a marriage or in the face of a marriage that was not and cultivated. Single mothers who do have in-
viable. Such acknowledgment and recognition lay tense and frequent contact with their families, for
the groundwork for an approach to single-parent instance, report mixed blessings. Extended-family
families that emphasizes their social context, struc- members may be the source of increased stress
ture, and longitudinal development. through their disapproval, triangling with children,
split loyalties caused by divorce, or requests for
help with a variety of other family troubles. For
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE SOCIAL
instance, 18-year-old Karma, who works hard to
CONTEXT: KIN AND NONKIN NETWORKS
support her 9-month-old daughter in community
Single-parent families are profoundly influenced by daycare, prefers to turn to her family of friends
the social context in which they spend their lives, rather than her crack-addicted sister and alcoholic
whether this is a supportive network of family and mother, both of whom ask for money and criticize
friends or an isolated existence in a judgmental her for neglecting her child by not going on wel-
community. Many single-parent families are unusu- fare. And while the support received by remaining
ally well connected outside the home, contain other in their parental household is particularly useful to
adult family members within the household, and/or many teen mothers (Thompson & Wilkins, 1992),
have a live-in primary partner (Simons, 1996). This three-generation households also have compli-
is fortunate because single-parent families that are cated relationship and generational boundary is-
embedded in a fabric of social support are less vul- sues. The addition of a new generation to an
nerable than those that are isolated (Belsky, 1990; existing family household requires fundamental
Edin & Lein, 1997; Gladov & Ray, 1986; Koeske changes in the way the whole family is structured
& Koeske, 1990; Malson, 1986; Stack, 1974). Con- and the way roles are defined, with an ongoing
sistent with a "tradition that has no name," African need to sort out child care tasks and adult respon-
American households contain a high percentage of sibilities. The time when a teen parent wants to
other relatives, and beyond the household, active move toward independence becomes a time when
family networks provide frequent contact, social she needs increased support from her parents to
support, and mutual aid (Hatchett, Cochran, & help with her child, a time when she must defer au-
Jackson, 1991). These provisions are often vital to thority to her own parents in some areas while tak-
single-parent survival (Hatchett et al., 1991; Mal- ing charge of her child and maintaining credibility
son. 1986; McAdoo. 1980; Taylor, Jackson, & as the child's parent in others. At the same time,
Quick, 1982; Thompson & Wilkins, 1992). How- her parents must continue the life cycle task of
ever, even within this richness of connectedness, it launching and letting go, one that is more difficult
is the mothers who need them most (those with if they must also provide continued financial and
lower income and lower education) that tend to emotional support to a daughter they do not see as
have smaller networks and to receive less help from responsible. Many parents find it particularly diffi-
them (Caldwell, 1996; Hatchett et al., 1991 ). cult to allow the ongoing involvement of the baby's
Since the context of single-parent households father with their daughter, her baby, and their fam-
is so vital, an assessment of the number and quality ily life. Often, they resent him and consider his
of supports available to single parents forms one of participation to be either irrelevant or troublesome.
the cornerstones of treatment. It prevents us from Still, they must learn to support his involvement,
missing the problems of those who most need our not only to maintain the important bond between
support to broaden their sense of connectedness. father and child, but also because his presence usu-
Determining the existence of a large kin and non- ally contributes to the psychological well-being of
kin network, however, is not enough. The quality the adolescent mother (Thompson & Wilkins. 1992)
404 CHAPTER 24
and the maintenance of family ties. Work with the provide an enriching opportunity for all family
Brown family demonstrates how a therapist helps a members. Grandparents can have stronger connec-
family to maintain a life cycle perspective as they tions with their grandchildren, single parents can
wend their way through the ambiguous develop- have times of genuine respite knowing that the
mental process of helping a child raise a child children are being cared for by family members
while growing up herself: who love them, and children can have a variety of
adult caretakers and siblinglike relationships with
The Browns, a middle-class African American cousins. In fact, such expanded families can pro-
family, sought therapy when their 13-year-old
vide a sense of clanlike belonging that transcends
middle daughter. Colleen, became pregnant. The
that provided by many intact but more isolated nu-
parents were devastated and mystified by the
clear families.
daughter's pregnancy but never even considered
not taking responsibility both for her and for their
Single mothers who live independently often
coming grandchild. Coaching them to handle the suffer greater financial and child care strains and
ambiguities of supporting Colleen, who gave birth sometimes greater social isolation. One common
at 14. through her adolescence while encouraging "solution" that mothers choose for these problems,
her to take some level of responsibility for her son. in part out of fear of being alone, is to bring a ro-
Darien, was a challenge. The parents had to be mantic partner into their household, even when
encouraged repeatedly make openings for their
to
they are less than certain that he is an appropriate
grandson's father to become involved in a parental
choice. In effect, they barter withhim to provide
role, so angry were they about his behavior with
forsome of their needs in a quid pro quo arrange-
their daughter. At 17, Colleen became pregnant
ment with or without real companionship. When
again, by a different boyfriend. This further chal-
the relationship can develop into a loving, support-
lenged her parents, who at this point pressed her to
take more responsibility for parenting both of her
ive, and lasting one, such support has been noted to
children, though they still supported her in con- protect adult women from depression in the face of
tinuing school. In therapy, they were helped to set stressful life events (Brown. Harris, & Copeland,
increasing limits with her and to increase their ex- 1972; Brown & Harris 1978). But the contribu-
pectations of her responsibility while still fostering tions of live-in partners are not always totally pos-
her own development. On follow-up, when Col- itive. Many compete with the children for the
leen was 21 and planning a move to a different
single parent's time and attention, undermine ma-
state with both children, she had matured into a re-
ternal authority, or get intensely involved, only to
sponsible and articulate parent, able to tell her own
leave precipitously. Additionally, men who do not
father about the disappointments she had felt with
have a biological bond to a child are more likely
him in earlier years and to coach him to deal w ith
to be physically and sexually abusive (Margolin,
problems he w as having with her younger brother,
now 14 himself. 1992). Complicated negotiations may be needed
when live-in boyfriends expect (because of their
The somewhat older single parent who returns gender) to establish family rules when they have
to her family of origin after a divorce is able to re- neither the mandate nor the make
credibility to
ceive child care and financial help, but often at the them and contribute little practical or financial
cost of her independence. These once independent help. Since some single mothers have trouble
mothers commonly find it frustrating when they standing up for their rights, or even knowing that it
become caught in conflicts with their own parents is appropriate to do so. they may need the therapist
over how to manage their children and struggle to to help make it clear to male partners that their role
maintain a sense of themselves as competent is not that of parent, but that of a support for the
adults in the face of increased parental involve- mother in her efforts to care for and discipline her
ment and control. When intergenerational con- children. Negotiating differences between mothers
flicts can be minimized, these arrangements can who are not particularly authoritarian and boy-
friends who believe in firm rules creates tensions family. Unless reassured that the single parent
of its own. Single mothers who are psychologi- wants to be included, some friends assume that
cally or financially insecure often find themselves they would be uncomfortable in gatherings of cou-
struggling with conflicting loyalties to their chil- ples or intact families, and others may be uneasy
dren and to their partner and find it difficult to es- about seeming to choose one partner's side over
tablish the boundaries necessary to protect their another in the divorce. Recently divorced single
children from these partners for fear that the part- mothers may also be seen as a threat to intact mar-
ners will leave them without the support they des- riages (perceived as a loose cannon on the deck of
perately need. These women may be in the greatest suburban affairs). Thus, the friends they had when
need of help to expand their adult support network. they were married may no longer be available to
Therapists can also help to alleviate problems them. It is possible to sort out, maintain, and
in single-parent household life by facilitating a strengthen most of these ties with effort, but single
web or support beyond the household, encourag- mothers may need to be strongly encouraged by
ing a range of positive connections for both parent the therapist to tolerate the risk of rejection or the
and child, an interrelated archipelago of individu- discomfort of going alone.
als and groups that provide a context of reciprocal There are times when a woman's network
and mutual responsibility. Network interventions cannot provide the right kind of help or support.
should be planned with a wide-angle lens, address- Ties may have been weakened or disrupted by
ing the needs of each family member for both a divorce or relocation: existing network members
sense of belonging and concrete assistance. As has may be insensitive to the problems of single par-
already been indicated, the therapist helps single ents and their children; the single parents who need
parents to begin to mobilize their network by first them most may not have the skills to develop and
attending to others who may actually be living in maintain helpful relationships; and many single
the home, moving to those close family and friends parents find it exceedingly difficult to ask available
outside the home who are actively involved in im- extended family or friends to pitch in w ith practi-
portant aspects of family life, adding those net- cal, financial, or emotional support. Their pride,
work members who might be available if they were fear of becoming a burden, fear of rejection, or
to be asked, and finally working to build new even fear of loss of custody makes it hard to ask for
strands of support as needed. Once it is determined help. Developing new strands of support can also
which friends and members of the extended family seem like just one more chore to an overextended,
might be available, moves can be made to facilitate overstressed mother. Most single mothers would
connections and, if necessary, to devise interven- rather collapse on the couch after a trying-day than
tions to decrease the tension in relationships that take the initiative to connect, especially w ith peo-
have been primarily stressful. Coaching middle- ple they don't know well. Again, it takes the thera-
class single parents on their relationships with pist, serving as a temporary cheerleader and coach
members of their family of origin (see Chapter 26) to get network development off the ground.
may be especially important because single par- When the right help or the right amount of help
enthood is often a hard choice for parents and sib- is not available from the family's existing informal
lings to accept and understand. Helping women sources, at least two formal sources can be ex-
from poor multiproblem families sometimes means ploited: established community groups or organiza-
coaching them on how to set limits on what they tions and groups that are formed to meet the specific
can and will do for their family members without needs of particular types of families. For a single
totally severing ties. parent, connections with such groups as "mother's
All women who becoming single par-

are just day out." craft classes, or church groups can help
ents may need help addressing how their new sta- her to develop new relationships while meeting
tus changes their relationship with friends and some of her needs for activities and respite. To
406 CHAPTER 24
address the particular need for relationships with forming and acting out in class. The fact that her
other women in similar circumstances, it may be children were constantly fighting, her discipline
necessary to create a group especially for single was admittedly inconsistent, and their home was
chaotic seemed to her to be par for the course. Find-
mothers, since such groups often do not exist in a
ing the time to get the kids together to come to the
given community. Such groups are inherently sup-
clinic were major and exhausting tasks, and ini-
portive, providing mothers with the opportunity
tially, the family's attendance was sporadic. How-
for activities and discussions that can make them
ever, as Mary began to feel supported by the
feel less isolated and stigmatized. The groups can, therapist, she began to feel better about herself, and
however, meet more than the psychological needs she more easily mobilized the kids. She found it
of parents, since they can also provide opportuni- helpful to talk about the challenges of single
ties for maternal respite through trade-offs of child parenting without having to feel that she was inad-
care responsibilities, transportation to children's equate. In family sessions, she and her children
activities, or information about community re- worked out a list of rules, chores, and conse-
sources. In the following case, Mary asked for help quences. She successfully delegated increased re-
sponsibilities to her 12-year-old daughter for
for her son, which she received. She also was
dinnertime and after-school chores and somewhat
helped to strengthen her network by reconnecting
less successfully to her sons for cleaning their own
with her family of origin and joining a group of
rooms. Combining efforts to help her reconnect
other single mothers:
with her family and develop new ties, the therapist
encouraged her to get the courage to write to a sis-
Mary, a 35-year-old Polish American divorced ter whom she had not contacted in several years.
mother of three, did not have much of an available Mary was surprised when her sister not only re-
network when she requested therapy for her 8- sponded, but offered an invitation to visit. The ther-
year-old son. Her mother had died when she was a apist gave Mary the name of a local church, which
teenager, her remarried father had consistently re- provided a tutor and Big Brother for her son, and
sponded to her requests for help by telling her she also helped Mary to identify and gather together
had made her bed, so she should lie in it, and her several single mothers for regular Friday night pot-
siblings lived 2,000 miles away. Five years ago, luck dinners with videos for the kids to free up time
her husband had left her to take a construction job for the mothers to talk. Over time, this group
in the Middle East, and when he returned to this strengthened and became a source of ongoing and
country, he relocated to another state. Neither he mutual coverage for a variety of tasks and emergen-
nor his family has been available to provide sup- cies. At follow-up. she reported that she had visited
port since then. Now, with no husband and no her sister and felt good about their contact. Mary
child support. Mary felt that she never had enough continues to describe her life as difficult but is
money to meet her children's needs, much less proud of her ability to make it as a single parent.
provide them with the Air Jordans or Doc Martens

that they claimed were essential for social survival. Support networks for single parents are im-
Frequently frazzled and exhausted, she put her portant, but the networks of children also need at-
own needs so far down the agenda that she didn't tention. They need a variety of connections to
even know she had them. With society's help, she
balance the inevitable intensity of the single par-
felt guilty for not being able to hold onto the ideal
ent-child relationship and to fill the gaps in what
all- American family. She knew that marriage is no
any one parent, however competent, cannot pro-
guarantee of happiness or support, but she still re-
vide. Even though we now know that divorce also
sented and envied her married friends when they
complained about financially supportive spouses
has positive effects (Ahrons, 1994; Arditti & Mad-
who didn't do equal child care.
den-Derlich, 1995; Barber & Eccles, 1992), there
Despite the stresses that dominated Mary's life,

is no denying that loss of contact with a father and
she would not have come to therapy if her son's his network has ramifications and causes pain
teachers had not complained that he was underper- (Amato & Keith, 1991; Furstenberg et al.. 1987;
Gringlas & Weinraub. 1995: Hetherington. Cox, & the child's network by minimizing the loss of ex-
Cox, 1977; Zill, 1990). It has been suggested that tended family members and family friends, and in-
as much as 70 percent of the social network may be creasing the involvement of community supports.
disrupted in a divorce, so the loss experienced is Teachers, soccer coaches. Big Brothers and Big
beyond that of loss of a parent Hetherington
( et al., Sisters, and acth lty group leaders can be consid-
1978). If possible, therapists should work to in- ered as possible network resources for children.
volve the child's father as an ongoing part of the Males in this wider network of adults can be re-
child's network. When the relationship between cruited to provide contacts and activities to mini-
ex-spouses is conflictual. continued involvement mize the impact of the loss of those fathers who do
of the father may make things more difficult for the not stay involved. Even if no individual is able to
mother, and she may prefer not to spend her lim- make a major or permanent commitment to the
ited energies making the necessary arrangements, child, each can offer a piece of what is needed.
particularly if the father is unpredictable. His com
ings and goings can be stressful for the child, ai
RECOGNIZING AND
mothers often end up having to deal with the emo-
MOBILIZING STRENGTHS
tional fallout on their children. It isn't surprising
that mothers often complain not that they are sin- All single-parent families have strengths that can
gle parents, but that they are not quite single be mobilized to solve the problems of family mem-
enough. Mothers may need support in allowing the bers, even the most troubled ones. Effective prob-
father access to the child, tolerating the unfairness lem identification and solving should begin b>
of those times when the father is idealized or they helping family members to identify strengths and
are blamed for his failures. resources, emphasizing what they can control and
Still, father involvement in the child's network minimizing or accepting w hat they cannot. A con-
is important enough to work hard to find ways not sistent effort should be made to help mothers feel
only to maintain it. but to ensure that it is of sub- that they are competent, that they have all the skills
stance. When contacts betw een child and father are necessary to take care of their families, and that the
often brief and unnatural, fathers may need help in problems associated with single-parent family life
behaving as a parent, not a friend (Arendell. 1986: need not be permanent or insurmountable. It was
Furstenberg & Nord. 1985: Simons & Beaman, eas\ to help mobilize some of Annie's strengths,
1996: Whitbeck. Simons. & Kao, 1994). particu- which involved determination, a good job. and a
larly since it is clear that children tend to do better strong network:
if their father continues to actually participate as a
parent (Simons. Whitbeck. Beaman. & Conger. Annie says that she got married at 21 in part be-
1994) but little evidence that visitation per se has cause she liked her husband's sarcastic sense of
any impact at all (Amato. 1993; Emery, 1988; humor but mostly because she had finished college
Furstenberg & Cherlin. 1991: Simons & Beaman, and thought it was the thing to do. The meanness
1996). The bottom line is that a child needs both of his humor quickly wore thin, and the relation-
parents, so both parents should be coached to co- ship that evolved was never particularly wonderful
operate in the best interests of their child Ahrons. (

The process of leaving probably be-
or nurturing.
gan ten years before it occurred, w hen she began to
1994: Lamb et al.. 1997). Divorced single parents
ask herself. "Would I like to grow old with this
who can both maintain active parenting roles w ith
man?" and the answer was a definite no. In her late
their children without becoming overly combative
thirties, she realized that she was in a dead-end job
with each other provide children with the possibil-
and a dead-end marriage and burned out on both.
ity of two loving homes and parents with welcome She took a risk and returned to graduate school.
periods of respite. Whether of not the father con- Finishing school and getting a new job made a
tinues to be involved, it is important to strengthen massive contribution to her self-esteem. Feeling
408 CHAPTER 24
valued for the first time because she was good at worth. For very young single mothers, increasing
her work probably dealt a death blow to her psy- self-esteemmay require practical help in discover-
chologically abusive marriage. She finally gave up ingwho they are, how to care for their child, and
during a summer that had been a bad one in many how to manage their ambivalence about the loss of
ways: Her mother had died, the job she loved was
their teenage freedoms without neglecting their re-
overwhelming, and her husband had become psy-
sponsibilities, becoming bitter, or feeling bad about
chologically missing in action. She took a deep
themselves. For newly divorced single mothers,
breath and left, refusing to get sidetracked by her
increasing self-esteem sometimes involves coach-
husband's increasingly conservative and critical
views. She sought coaching to help her through the ing them to feel less responsible for the failure of
process and used it well to keep her eye on the ball: their marriage, helping them to see they do not need
She committed herself to finishing the task of rais- the ticket to an automatic social life that marriage
ing her two children, then ages 10 and 5, while provides, and cultivating in them a view of them-
simultaneously working on her career and her per- selves as capable of flying solo. Self-esteem for
sonal development. women who tend to be self-sacrificing can be in-
She came out of the chute fighting and has spent creased by helping them to avoid neglecting their
the last nine years as a single parent of two chil-
own needs completely, even when they want to do
dren, now ages 19 and 14. Parenting adolescents is
so. They must be encouraged to focus a little of
stressful, but her children are doing well, even
their energies on nurturing themselves even when
though her daughter is in the eye-rolling, black
their initiative is low, if not for their own good then
nailpolish, mom-is-uncool stage of development.
Annie works long hours and seldom dates (in part for the good of their children.
because her children have never approved of Helping a mother to put what she is going
the men she brings into her life). Although she through into cultural and developmental perspec-
still occasionally fantasizes about the "perfect relative is another way of beginning to help her cope
tionship," she considers herself to be lucky to be more effectively (Holloway & Machida, 1992).
on her own. As she puts it,"Some women never Pointing out the prevalence of single parenthood
get over the fact that they need a man to be whole." and the lack of support from society for all single
She is most definitely whole. Being single has
parents lets her know that she is not alone. The idea
helped her to develop herself and has exposed her
that there are benefits in addition to problems in
to different ways of thinking and coping. She has
managed to survive and bring up her children with
single parenthood (Arditti & Madden-Derdich,
1 995 ) can be woven into discussions of her history
determination, the help of her strong faith, and
her extended network of family and friends dat- and current circumstances. Information provides
ing back to junior high, a network that she carefully her with distance from her daily struggles and lays
nurtures. the groundwork for the development of specific
strategies to combat any vulnerabilities she or her
Mobilizing strengths often requires the ther- children might have.
apist to tackle the issue of the single mother's self- In attempting to affirm a single parent's
esteem head-on, since it is critical to the mother's strengths, it is important to avoid moving too rap-
ability to accomplish the tasks at hand (Holloway & idly, or she will feel dismissed. Only after listening
Machida. 1992). Although good self-esteem con- to a woman's story should the therapist make an ef-
tributes to good parenting, many women become fort to affirm the resilience and courage that she
single parents without much of a credit balance in generates on a daily basis. Only after she has been
the self-esteem department. Some originally chose assured that the therapist understands the difficul-
their partners because they had little esteem, some ties of going it alone should she be reminded that
lost their sense of self in a neglectful or abusive re- she can be happy and fulfilled even without a
lationship, and some never lived on their own long spouse and should feel proud of her accomplish-
enough to develop an independent sense of self- ments in raising her children. Discussion of the
risks, and especially the benefits, of single parent- who are experiencing serious life transitions need
hood can help her to see that many of the things these qualities more. The clear boundaries and
they are now being forced to learn will in time be- limits that are key elements in maintaining family
come valued strengths. This includes the increased structure are also important for maintaining mater-
closeness that occurs between single parents and nal sanity. At the most basic level, it is important to
their children, the accelerated growth and develop- define who is in and who is out of the family, who
ment of children who function in helping roles, the comes to sessions, and who has the right to make
early acquisition of independence and a wide household rules. For single mothers living in their
range of survival skills, including the ability to own parents' homes or women who have men liv-
cope with loss and adapt to change, the increased ing with them for relatively short periods of time,
appreciation of the need for connections with peo- the answers to these questions are not always easy.
ple resulting in links to a rich, diverse, and flexible Helping the single parent to negotiate issues of
network of friends, neighbors, extended family, power, rules, and responsibilities, whether with her
and religious groups. The effective coping of chil- parents, her lover, or her children, is sometimes the
dren also should be affirmed, since many come to most important task of therapy, since it lays the
grips with issues that would challenge adults, and groundw ork for how everyone can live together.
they make important contributions to the family's Many single parents don't seem to know how
well-being. to set effective limits except when a crisis is in
progress, so they frequently find themselves ex-

hausted by unproductive standoffs with their chil-
REINFORCING THE MOTHERS AUTHORITY
dren (Herz. 1988: Hetherington & Clingempeel.
Forming a new family requires that the new single 1992: Morawetz & Walker, 1984). Although they
parent gain credibility and assume power as the know that a health) family is no democracy, single
sole executor of a farniK system that once was parents can treat their children more like friends to
ruled by two. a task that may be particularly diffi- meet their own needs for companionship or to avoid
cult for women who have never lived indepen- energy-depleting conflict. Alternatively, they can
dently,who have tended to rely on their spouses to make some pretty extreme rules in attempts to con-
provide discipline and limit setting, and/or who are trol disasters before they occur. Worse yet, they
temporarily immobilized by depression or loss. Be- can try to do both: be a friend and then, when
cause this new family structure must be created at a things become chaotic, make extreme rules that
time of high stress when the new single parent may cannot be enforced. Therapists can help by sorting
feel least prepared to do so. a significant amount of out what is and is not reasonable depending on the
support may be necessary. The biggest problem for child's age and family circumstances, by serving
many divorced women becomes too great a toler- as a model, by repeatedly reinforcing the mother's
ance for a child's negative behaviors, a tendency to authority in front of her children, and by helping
become overly permissive as mothers attempt to her to encourage her family and the other adults in
make up for the losses and disadvantages they think her life to support her efforts. Because there are
their children have experienced, or inconsistency some data that suggest that low income and fewer
based on the unpredictable stresses in their own resources are associated with an increase in mater-
lives. The biggest problem for teen mothers is tak- nal violence (Margolin. 1992). it is also crucial to
ing responsibility consistently. When it isn't clear carefully draw the line between the need for firm
who is in charge, the teen or her parents, children limits and overly negative parental reactions.
either become confused or learn to play one adult The mother's ability to be in charge of her
off against another to get what they want. famih is complicated by the need for her to require
All children need the security of structure, that older children take some responsibility for
predictability, and stability, and distressed children their younger siblings and household chores. In
410 CHAPTER 24
some families, mothers allow children to have so relationship. Common tasks include mourning, es-
much authority that their own is compromised. tablishment of a new or revised family identity,
Therapists can help mothers to retain their status as and maintaining or increasing supportive network
ultimate authority and keep a direct line to each connections.
child even as they delegate more than the usual Mourning is particularly important for the di-
number of responsibilities to their older ones. vorced single-parent family, since it provides a
Family stability and parental authority can basis for members to create a new workable struc-
also be reinforced by maintaining family routines ture. Mourning losses may be less of an issue for
and rituals that ensure predictability and structure. families that are created by one parent from the
Some single parents with multiple responsibilities outset, but even some of these mothers need to
are so overwhelmed by day-to-day survival issues mourn the loss of a dream family. The ambiguity
that they neglect the need for these routines and of the loss and the ambiguity of the family bound-
family rituals, forgetting the comfort, structure, arymake the process of mourning in single-parent
and sense of continuity that they provide. In fact, more difficult (Boss, 1983). It's hard to
families
after a death or a divorce, some parents abandon mourn the loss of a parent who is still seen on
even the most basic rituals such as regular family weekends and Wednesday nights, the loss of the
dinners, not to mention Sunday outings or birthday fantasy of a father or a partner who never was, or
and other holiday celebrations. Some even say that simply the loss of a sense of family. It is particu-
they feel rituals are less relevant since they are no larly hard when there are no prescribed rituals to
longer a "real" family. Reestablishing this impor- accomplish this process. Old losses may be kept
tant aspect of family life can reassure children, re- alive in many ways: Parents may discourage chil-
inforcing the feeling of a normal family and dren from talking of loss to protect the child from
diminishing the need to challenge their mother's pain or to avoid having to deal with their own sad-
authority to find out whether she is really in ness; children may hide their sadness and anger or
charge. take on functions of the absent parent to avoid in-
creasing their mother's burden; unspoken family
rules may maintain the status quo and discourage
ADDRESSING SPECIAL LD7E CYCLE ISSUES
direct discussion of events and feelings; children
OF SINGLE-PARENT FAMILffiS
may act out or fail to perform in school in attempts
Single-parent families can come into being at al- to distract or reinvolve a mother who is preoccu-
most any stage of the family life cycle, their for- pied with her need to support the family; children
mation becoming superimposed on the tasks and may act out at home to bring a psychologically ab-
issues of other phases and interacting with them in sent depressed mother back into contact. For
complex ways. Whether a single-parent household young children, an angry, frazzled parent is less
is created through death, divorce, adoption, or even frightening than a sad one, particularly when there
birth, members must mourn the loss or partial loss is no other adult to provide a sense of security.
of the mother's partner/child's parent, the loss of a
and everyone's dream of
child's biological family,
what the family could have been but now will not
Single Parents with Young Children
be. Women may become single parents when they For single parents without another adult in the
are 14 and their child is an infant, when they are 45 household, raising children is hardest when they
and their children are teens, and at all phases in- are young and require constant supervision, guid-
between. Whenever it occurs, it is a high-stress ance, and nurturance. As they get old enough to go
time, and depression, anxiety, and sleep disorders to school or help around the house, parental life be-
are not uncommon. It is difficult even for those sin- comes a little easier. On the other hand, a single-
gle parents who also feel relief at being out of a bad parent family identity becomes more of a problem
formany school-age children, particularly those when children are required to totally sacrifice their
who live in communities of predominantly two- childhood to chores and responsibilities, when par-
parent households where they are regarded as dif- ents fail to retain ultimate responsibility for the
ferent at a time when it is vital to be just like every- rules of family life, or when children (frequently
one else. Young boys in particular appear to be at an oldest or one of the opposite gender) actually
risk for behavioral problems during this phase assume the role of the absent parent. These factors
(Clark. Sawyer. Nguyen. & Baghurst. 1993: Heth- make it difficult for the single parent to retain cred-
erington et al.. 1978; Shaw Emery. & Tuer. 1993). ibility and set limits effectively and for the child to
These issues of feeling different are also prob- actually have a childhood.
lematic when a single-parent family has been cre- Single parenthood becomes harder yet in the
ated through adoption. Single-parent adoptions teen years, especially when normal adolescent ob-
often involve older children, often from other noxiousness dominates the household and children
countries, often troubled, and often of another race begin to overtly challenge parental rules and val-
(Groze, 1991). The lack of fit between the child ues. Even when mothers are comfortable setting
and the parent in temperament, abilities, and val- limits and when children present no more than the
ues can have a pervasive influence on all stages of usual problems testing them, adolescence is a try-
the family life cycle and requires work and coming time for single parents, who can worn down
get
promise from all family members. These single by teenage random acts of rudeness. The universal
parents must create a family identity that incorpo- parental dilemma of finding the right balance be-
rates racial and ethnic diversity. They also must es- tween allowing age-appropriate rules and freedoms
tablish ways of operating w ith a child w ho could is complicated by the single mother's awareness
have considerable history and baggage from a dys- that it is up to her alone to get it right and that there
functional family and/or an institution. Frequently, is no real guarantee that she will be spared tragedy
this means coping with a child's insecurity about even if she does it right. Girls who are raised in
parental commitment, attachment problems, teach- single-parent families present special worries dur-
ing the most basic rules about acceptable behavior, ing these years, since they are at risk for getting
and managing community prejudice. Single par- ovennvolved in romantic relationships looking for
ents must deal w ith these issues while working out the father they have not had or to compensate for un-
an altered relationship with their own family and happiness at home. If the mother is isolated and
finding a way to integrate the child's memories of bitter, they run a greater risk of problems with in-
his or her family of origin. Therapists should make timacy. If there is an unrelated male partner in the
these highly charged issues overt and discussable, home, there is an increased risk of sexual abuse with
preparing mother and child for the extended time it a young girls' emerging sexuality.
takes to become a family (often at least two years) Boys often develop more than the usual dis-
when it must be formed midstream in the lives of tance from their mothers, in part because they are
the members. warned by society about being "mama's boys" and
they are led to believe that they cannot become
men unless they cut the apron strings. Olga Silver-
Single Parents with Adolescents
stein, in her book The Courage to Raise Good Men
When the children in single-parent families are (1994), suggests that we help mothers by challeng-
older, they are likely to take on and be granted ing both the message to boys about being attached
more authority over their younger siblings and the to their mothers and the message given to mothers
household. It is important to remember that these that they must distance themselves emotionally
so-called parental children are often essential, not from their sons to protect the son's "autonomy
pathological, for the survival of single-parent needs." Family therapists at this phase should pay
households. This role becomes a problem only careful attention to the relationships of mothers
412 CHAPTER 24
and sons, since boys are particularly likely to chal- come freedom, relief, and sense of accomplish-
lenge maternal authority during adolescence ment is counterbalanced by sadness that they are
(Hetherington et al., 1978). Some boys feel that unable to share yet another of their child's devel-
they must compensate for their father's absence by opmental steps with a partner who cares as much
becoming the "man of the house" and trying to as they do and the need to reevaluate their own pri-
take care of their mother. Mothers may become make an independent life for themselves.
orities to
disempowered, and sons may be particularly resis- This more difficult for single mothers who have
is
tant to their authority and even monitor their free not maintained an active social or work life during
time and dating. Mothers, therefore, may need the child-rearing years. Awareness of parental anx-
support to maintain their parental role and not give ieties increases the child's guilt about leaving and
it up prematurely. stimulates anger if children think they are being
Special attention should be given to all smothered or constrained by the implicit demands
adopted children as they enter their teens, since a of their parents' needs. Therapists can help single
disproportionate number require therapy (Okun. mothers to prepare for their child's emancipation
1996) as they struggle with reemerging questions by encouraging mothers to develop interests and
about their identity ("Who am I? Why was I given networks of their own before the child is ready to
away?"). An even higher percentage of those from leave.
single-parent adoptive homes may need assistance
reworking their identity with an additional twist
CONCLUSION
("If I had to be given away, why couldn't I have
been given to a two-parent family?"). Resentment Effective single parenting is hard work and re-
at not having the ideal family, complicated by the quires more support for families than tends to be
seemingly endless testing of the limits of parental provided in today's mobile and fractured commu-
commitment with anger, depression, acting out, nities. Nevertheless, single parents can take care
and even substance abuse, brings many of these of themselves, raise healthy children, and contrib-
families for therapy. Single parents may need a ute to society. Single mothers can survive and
therapist's help to draw in network members to complete the tasks assigned to them, providing
help provide controls, to avoid personalizing the their children with structure, nurturance, and val-
teen's messages, to find ways to continue to sup- ues while meeting their own needs for intimacy,
port the child, and to tolerate the often unusually companionship, and community. Children can
rocky moves toward emancipation. grow strong and make good use of the unusual and
enriched diversity of experiences provided to
them, including strong connections with extended
Single Parents of Young Adults
family and friends. Many single-parent homes are
Eventually, children grow up and leave, and the less "broken" or troubled than those of intact fam-
single-parent family is transformed again. Al- ilies. It helps neither families nor our communities
though almost all families become single-parent if we disparage or neglect single parents and their
families sooner or later, most do not become so un- children.
til late in life. While, as Lillian Rubin says, most It is time for our society to accept and support
women respond to their children leaving home single-parent families. There is no way to preserve
with a decided sense of relief (Rubin. 1979), grace- the way we never were. Today's increased empha-
fully accomplishing this developmental task can sis on the future of the family implies that there
be a problem for single parents, who may find it once was or is now such a thing as the family, but
more difficult to let go because they do not have families have always come in many forms and are
the support and comfort of a marriage to provide a likely tobecome even more diverse in the future.
continuing sense of belonging or family. The wel- Single parenthood is becoming more common, not
less so. The emphasis on so-called family values help, we must provide support and validation and
has little to do with families and a lot to do with en- take special care to challenge the assumption that
forcing a conservative version of what is seen as single-parent families are always problem infested.
socially acceptable behavior. The opinions of As one single parent who had successfully raised
former Vice President Dan Quayle notwithstand- three children vehemently stated, "I may have
ing, today's families are as much "Murphy Brown" been divorced, but there was nothing broken about
and "Grace under Fire" as they are "Ozzie and my home."
Harriet" and "Father Knows Best." In our efforts to
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416 CHAPTER 24
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Chapter 25
REMARRIED FAMILIES
MONICA McGOLDRICK
BETTY CARTER
As the first marriage signifies the joining of two membership defies simple definition, and our cul-
families, so a second marriage involves the inter- ture lacks any established patterns or rituals to help
weaving of three, four, or more families whose pre- us handle the complex relationships of acquired
vious family life cycle courses have been disrupted family members. The kinship terms that our culture
by death or divorce. So complex is the process of does provide, such as "stepmother." "stepfather."
forming a remarried family that we have come to and "stepchild," have such negative connotations
think of this process as adding another whole phase that they increase the difficulties for families that
to the family life cycle for those involved. are trying to work out these relationships. Con-
More than half of Americans today have been, stance Ahrons (Chapter 23) calls postdivorce fami-
are now. or will eventually be in one or more step- lies "binuclear," a term that is descriptive and
families during their lives (Larson, 1992). Indeed, nonstigmatizing. We have chosen to use the term
stepfamilies are becoming the most common fam- "remarried" to emphasize that it is the marital bond
ily form and estimates are that there will soon be that forms the basis for the complex rearrangement
more binuclear families than nuclear families in the of several families in a new constellation, though
United States (Bernstein. 1989). Approximately 35 increasing numbers of these families are not actu-
percent of children will live in one by the age of 18 ally marrying, or at least not marrying for a while.
(Glick. 1989). Half of the marriages that occur each Still, it is the couple's bond that makes them take
year are remarriages. By the year 2010. they say, the trouble to go through the complexities of fam-
stepfamilies will be the most prevalent type of family formation. Nevertheless, we frequently use the
ily in the United States, since almost 50 percent of term "stepfamily" to indicate the presence of chil-
first marriages are expected to end in divorce and dren from past relationships as part of the remar-
approximately 70 percent of divorced individuals ried system.
(more men than women) remarry (Norton & Miller.
1992;Visher&Visher, 1996).
Yet our society still does not recognize this
A NEW PARADIGM OF FAMILY
family form as normal. The process of forming a
remarried family has remained inadequately un- Many of the stepfamily 's difficulties in life and in
derstood, the redivorce rate remains high —about therapy can be attributed to attempts by the family
14 percent higher than the first-marriage rate, and or therapist to use the roles and rules of first mar-
about half of remarriages terminate in less than riage families as a guideline. Such attempts to rep-
five years (Norton & Miller. 1994). licate the "intact" nuclear family lead to severe
Most family research has focused on intact problems. An entirely new paradigm of family is
first families. The emerging norms for forming a required for remarried families. Pasley. Rhodes,
remarried family have only recently begun to be de- Visher, and Visher (1996) have shown that nega-
fined. The built-in ambiguity of boundaries and tive or undesirable outcomes are associated with
417
418 CHAPTER 25
therapists who are not knowledgeable about the versarial positions, especially concerning the chil-
special processes and structure of stepfamilies. dren. Indeed, traditional roles, rigidly applied, are
Although it is extremely hard for everyone to one of the most serious flaws in the currently un-
give up the idea of the "nuclear family," drawing a stable structure of first marriages. And if the old
tight loyalty boundary around household members, rules that called for women to rear children and
excluding outside biological parents or children, is men to earn and manage the finances are not work-
neither realistic nor appropriate. Instead, families ing well in first-marriage families, which they are
need to develop a system with permeable bound- not, they have absolutely no chance at all in a sys-
aries around the members of different households tem in which some of the children are strangers to
to allow children to belong in multiple homes, the wife and the finances include sources of in-
moving easily and flexibly between households. come and expenditure that are not in the husband's
Families need to allow for open lines of commu- power to generate or control (e.g., alimony, child
nication between ex-spouses and between chil- support, earnings of the ex-wife or current wife).
dren, their biological parents, their stepparents, These issues, in addition to the primacy of chil-
their grandparents, and other relatives. Indeed, dren's bonds to their biological parents, make ste-
extended family connections and outside connect- reotypical gender roles completely inadequate to
edness may be even more important for children's the tasks required for remarried families.
well-being than they are in first families (Gorell In a functional remarried system, child-rearing
Barnes, Thompson, Daniel. & Burchardt, 1998). responsibilities must be distributed in ways that val-
Because parent-child bonds predate the mari- idate the bond to biological parents. Each spouse
tal bond, often by many years, and are therefore must take primary responsibility for raising and dis-
initially stronger than the couple bond, stepparents ciplining his or her own biological children. The re-
tend to compete inappropriately with their step- lationship of the children and stepparent remains
children for primacy with their spouse, as if the to be defined and worked out as their connection
couple and parent-child relationships were on the evolves. Stepparents then gradually assume their
same hierarchical level. Instead, functional remar- role in whatever friendly relationship evolves with
ried families must allow for the built-in ambiguity the child: godparent, aunt or uncle, or friend. Un-
of roles and relationships and the differential ties less the children are young at the time of the remar-
based on historical connections and the nature of riage, the parent-and-child paradigm may not apply.
the various relationships. In particular, each parent This is a reality, not a failure on anyone's part.
needs to accept parental responsibility for his or This model of family rests on the assumption
her own children while accepting the spouse's that ex-spouses are responsible adults who can learn
feelings without trying to combat or compete with to cooperate with each other for the sake of their re-
the other's parent-child attachments. lationships with their children. Contraindications to

Forming a remarried family requires revision- postdivorce arrangements of joint or shared custody
ing of traditional gender roles. This model over- would obviously include the following:
turns completely the notion that the stepmother,
• Mental illness in one or both parents.
just because she is a woman, should be in charge of
• A history of violence and/or child abuse or
the home, the children, or the emotional relation-
neglect.
ships throughout the system. It suggests instead
• Alcohol or drug abuse.
that the parent with the historical relationship with
the child should be the primary parent. Traditional In our experience, this is one of the most dif-
gender roles, requiring women to take responsibil- ficult developmental transitions for families to ne-
ity for the emotional well-being of the family, tend gotiate. This is because of the wish for premature
to pit stepmother and stepdaughter against each closure to end the ambiguity and pain and because
other and place the ex-wife and the new wife in ad- of the likelihood that the previous stage (mourning
REMARRIED FAMILIES 419
a death or working out the emotional complexities families come from the work of Hetherington.
of divorce) has been inadequately dealt with and Clingempeel, and their colleagues (Hetherington.
will, in any case, be emotionally reactivated by the 1989. 1990, 1991, 1993, 1995; Hetherington, Cox,
new family formation. Indeed. Montgomery, & Cox, 1977, 1985); Visher and Visher (1979,
Anderson, Hetherington. and Clingempeel (1993) 1988, 1991, 1996); Ahrons and Rodgers (1987);
found in their longitudinal studs that living to- Ahrons (1994): Furstenberg and his colleagues
gether before remarriage provided a beneficial in- (1983, 1991); Sager et al. (1983); Ann Bernstein
between stage of adjustment that reduces the (1989, 1994); and Pasley and her colleagues (Pasley
trauma of remarriage. Much therapeutic effort & Ihinger-Tallman. 1987, 1994; Pasley. Rhodes,
must be directed toward educating families about Visher. & Visher, 1996) and from the Stepfamily
the built-in complexities of the process so that they Bulletin, published quarterly by the Stepfamily As-
can work toward establishing a viable, open sys- sociation of America in Baltimore, Maryland.
tem that will allow them to get back on their devel- The following trends and principles concern-
opmental track for future life cycle phases. ing remarried families have been suggested by re-
It is easy to understand the wish for clear and search over the years:
quick resolution when one has been through the
pain of a first family ending. Unfortunately, how- • The more effectively custodial parents can
ever, the instant intimacv that remarried families function, the better will be their children's ad-
may hope for is impossible to achieve. The new re- justment (Furstenberg & Cherlin, 1991).
lationships are harder to negotiate because they do • The less parental conflict children are exposed
not develop gradually, as intact families do, but be- to, the better will be their adjustment (Fursten-
gin midstream, after another family's life cycle has berg & Cherlin. 1991).
been dislocated. Children's sibling position fre- • The more regularly children visit their non-
quently changes, and they must cope with variable custodial parents, the better will be their ad-
membership in several households. Naturally, sec- justment (Furstenberg & Cherlin, 1991).
ond families carry the scars of first-marriage fami- • Cordial or courteous, low-intensity relation-
lies. Neither parents, children, nor grandparents ships with the ex-spouse and the ex-spouse's
can forget the relationships that went before and new marital partner work best (Dahl. Cowgill,
that may still be more powerful than the new rela- & Asmundsson, 1987). It takes stepfathers al-
tionships. Children never give up their attachment most two years to become comanagers of their
to their first parent (biological or adoptive), no stepchildren with their wives. They first need
matter how negative the relationship with that par- to become friends of the children and can only
ent was or is. Having the patience to tolerate the gradually move into the role of active parent-
ambiguity of the situation and allowing each other ing (Visher & Visher, 1996).
the space and time for feelings about past relation- • Experience with and valuing of nontradi-
ships are crucial to the process of forming a remar- tional gender roles increase the flexibility
ried family. However, the "battle fatigue" of family necessary for stepfamily organization. Fami-
members quite naturally leads to a tendenc\ to lies not of the dominant culture, such as Afri-
seek comfort, often resulting in the characteristic can Americans, have much to teach families
pseudomutuality (Goldstein. 1974) that denies dif- of the dominant groups about adaptive strate-
ficulties and prevents their resolution. gies necessary for the complexities of remar-
We believe that information that normalizes ried families: the complexity and ambiguity
the experience is one of the most powerful clinical of roles and relationships, the permeability of
tools in helping families to negotiate the complex- roles and household boundaries, and the fact
ities of remarried families. Some of the most clin- of being peripheralized by the dominant cul-
ically useful research findings on remarried ture (Crosbie-Burnett & Lewis. 1993).
420 CHAPTER 25
• Family integration is most likely when ex- their stepmothers (Bray, 1986). While divorce
tended family approves of or accepts the mar- appears to have more adverse effects for boys,
riage, next best when they disapprove or are remarriage is more disruptive for girls (Heth-
negative, and worst when they are cut off or erington et al., 1985: Anderson, Hetherington.
indifferent (Duberman, 1975). Cut-offs are & Clingempeel, 1989).
more common with the paternal extended • Boys, who are often problems for a single
family, and connections are more often strong mother, may settle down after the entry of
with maternal relatives in remarried families, a stepfather (Hetherington & Clingempeel,
but relationships with extended family don't 1992).
always work out smoothly. While children are • It helps if therapists think of all parental fig-
quite prepared to have multiple sets of grand- ures as potentially enriching the children's
parents, uncles, and aunts, the middle genera- support network. In earlier times, when fami-
tion can get caught up in conflicts, and lies lived in larger extended family and com-
managing relationships with so large a net- munity enclaves, children had a whole
work of kin can be complicated (Furstenberg network of adults who cared for them and
& Cherlin, 1991; Barnes, Thompson, Daniel, helped to raise them. That is the model that
& Burchardt, 1998). helps here —not making choices about who is
• Family integration is easier if the previous the better parent (Visher & Visher, 1996).
spouse died rather than divorced and even • Childhood experiences in a large family may
harder if the new spouse has never been mar- be helpful in dealing with the complexities of
ried before (Duberman, 1975). a remarried family (Dahl et al., 1987).
• Family integration is more likely, the longer • Children do better if they have regular contact
the new family has together as a unit and with both parents (Hetherington, Stanley-
harder when there are adolescents (Duber- Hagan. & Anderson, 1989). Such contacts in-
man, 1975). Both boys and girls in early ado- crease rather than decrease the likelihood that
lescence (beginning at age 1 Wi) seem to have strong and positive relationships will develop
a particularly difficult time adjusting to their between children and their stepparents.
parents' remarriage (Hetherington, 1990). • Men tend to remarry sooner and more often
• Family integration is more likely if chil- than women. Whereas their first wives are on
dren are not left behind by one partner and if the average three years younger, their second
partners have a child together (Duberman, wives are on the average six years younger
1975). than they are.
• Women in stepfamilies (mothers, stepdaugh- • The more income and education a woman has,
ters, and stepmothers) experience more stress, the less likely she is to remarry. The reverse is
less satisfaction, and more symptoms than men true for men: The more income and education
(Bernstein, 1994). Stepmother-stepdaughter they have, the more likely they are to remarry,
relationships are the most difficult of all and the sooner.
stepfamily relationships (Duberman, 1975). • The incidence of violence and abuse is
Daughters, who are often closest to mothers in vastly greater in stepfamilies than in tradi-
divorce, tend to have a lot of difficulty with tional families.
stepfathers, no matter how hard the stepfather • About 65 percent of remarrying couples have
tries. Girls' stress probably reflects the fact children (Stepfamily Association. 1997).
that they feel more responsible for emotional • The sense of belonging in a remarried family
relationships in a family and thus get caught takes three to five years for most of its mem-
between loyalty toward and protection of bers, longer if there are adolescents (Dahl et
their biological mothers and conflicts with al., 1987).
Families may move or do extensive redecorat- have children, have the greatest difficulty es-
ing in the first year or so to avoid the feeling tablishing stability (Furstenberg & Cherlin,
of living in someone else's house (Dahl et al., 1991).
1987). • The instability of remarried families shouldn't
Finances and children from prior marriages be overstated. Remarried partners do not wait
are the major contributors to adjustment prob- as long to leave an unhappy situation as part-
lems of remarried families (Pasley et al.. ners in first families, and those who manage
1996). And remarriage often leads to a re- the early years have no greater likelihood of
newal of financial and/or custody difficulties divorcing than in first marriages (Furstenberg
in the prior relationships (Hetherington et al.. & Cherlin, 1991).
1977). • Remarriage of either spouse tends to decrease
Serious discipline issues and visitation ar- contact between fathers and their biological
rangements for children are best handled by children. One study found the level of contact
the biological parent (Dahl et al., 1987). between a divorced father and his children to
Families with stepchildren are much more be twice as high if he did not remarry and even
complicated and twice as likely to divorce. greater if the mother did not remarry. If both
Marital satisfaction is correlated with the stepparents remarried, only 1 1 percent of the chil-
parent's connection to stepchildren (Dahl et dren had weekly contact with their fathers,
al., 1987). Although the remarriages them- compared with 49 percent of the children
selves might be quite congenial, the presence when neither parent had remarried (Fursten-
of stepchildren often creates child-related berg & Cherlin, 1991).
problems that lead the couple to separate). • In 70 percent of divorcing couples, one of the
Interestingly, one study found that 15 percent spouses was involved in an affair, but only 1
of stepparents did not list their stepchild as percent of them later married this person
part of the family, even when the child lived (Hetherington et al.. 1977).
with them. Stepchildren were even more • Remarriage of a former spouse tends to be
likely to exclude a live-in stepparent (31 per- accompanied by a reactivation of feelings of
cent) (Bernstein, 1989; Furstenberg, Nord. depression, helplessness, anger, and anxiety,
Peterson. & Zill. 1983). Stepchildren appear particularly for women (Hetherington et al..
to much more
be likely to change residence or 1977). Men. possibly because it may release
leave home early than children who lived with them from financial responsibility and be-
both biological parents. cause they are usually less central to the
Children in stepfamilies may appear to have emotional system, tend to be less upset by
more power than children in first families the remarriage of an ex-wife (Hetherington
(Bray, 1992), although they may experience a etal.. 1977).
decrease in autonomy compared to their status • Conflicting role expectations set mothers and
in the preceding single-parent phase, when stepmothers into competitive struggles over
they typically have more adult privileges and child-rearing practices (Hetherington et al..
responsibilities. 1977).
Many families do not withstand the early • It appears better for stepmothers to retain their
stages of family reorganization required by work outside the home for emotional support
remarriage. About one fourth of them di- and validation (Visher & Visher. 1996). In ad-
vorce within the first five years, a rate much dition to contributing needed money, it makes
higher than that for first marriages. The most the stepmother less available at home for the
complex remarried families, in which both impossible job of dealing with her husband's
spouses have been married before and both children.
422 CHAPTER 25
STEPFAMILY FORMATION riage. These systems have all of the problems of

FOLLOWING DEATH heterosexual remarried systems in addition to the
burdens of secrecy and isolation that may be
Some different issues arise in stepfamilies that are
caused by social stigma (Laird & Green, 1996).
formed after the premature death of a parent. There In extreme cases, the adults may feel that they
are gender issues: A new stepfather may be per-
have to try to remain closeted, even to their chil-
ceived as rescuing the family from poverty after
dren, for fear of repercussions in custody or em-
the death of the primary wage earner, whereas chil- ployment. There is almost always anxiety about the
dren tend to view their mother as completely irre-
consequences of coming out to the extended fam-
placeable and resent any efforts to function in her
ily, the children's teachers and friends, co-workers,
role. However, young children will eventually ac-
neighbors, and acquaintances. Therapists can be
cept a stepparent, including a stepmother, if the re-
most helpful if, in addition to the usual therapy for
maining parent can help the children to grieve for
remarried systems, they can help the couple in sift-
their loss before confronting them with a step-
ing through their various networks to dismantle the
mother. When the father does remarry, he must secrecy and isolation. Connection to supportive
help the children to see and accept the new person community groups and access to supportive litera-
in her own right rather than collude with the chil-
ture and studies are extremely important.
dren in wanting the family to continue in exactly
the same way it did when their mother was alive.
On the other hand, if insufficient attention is paid MONEY IN REMARRIED FAMILIES

to the children's grief work, they may never accept Finances are a major area of conflict in remarried
a stepmother. (For a videotape with commentary of families. The complications regarding finances in
a family dealing with these issues, see McGold-
remarried families flow mostly from assumptions
rick, 1996.)
of traditional gender roles, which completely dis-
Although there are certain advantages in form- regard contemporary economics and the experi-
ing stepfamilies after a death in that the ex-spouse
ence of generations of poor and working-class
is not around to "interfere," ghosts can be even
families. They also ignore the fact that either or
more powerful, especially given people's tendency both parents usually enter the remarriage with sig-
to idealize someone who is lost prematurely. All of
nificant financial obligations to the first family.
the family triangles will occur predictably but may Failure to pay or be able to collect alimony and/or
be harder to recognize and deal with when one of child support wreaks havoc in postdivorce fami-
the people in the triangle a dead person. Talking,
is
lies. A husband who is the sole wage earner in a re-
remembering, and acknowledging the dead per-
married family often has to decide which set of
son's human
the ghost, but
failings and foibles help
none of this can be done without the
to exorcise
children has top priority — his own or the stepchil-
dren he lives with. These priorities are also influ-
active leadership of the remaining biological par-
enced by his relationship with his ex-wife; if it is
ent. Late adolescents or older children generally re-
bad, his visitations and child support payments
sist attempts to "replace" their dead parent, and the
tend to lag or even cease. A new wife may com-
wise stepparent will honor that position.
plain about the money her husband gives to his
children, particularly if she doesn't receive child
support owed for her own children. Overall, chil-
GAYS AND LESBIANS IN STEPFAMILIES
dren do tend to lose out financially when their par-
Although they are not permitted to marry legally, a ents remarry; that is, children from intact first
significant number of postdivorce families consist families tend to receive more from their parents
of a gay or lesbian couple with the children of one (White, 1992). In affluent families, problems also
or both of them from a previous heterosexual mar- surface around how wills should be made and how
much financial assistance should be given to which Stepparent Roles

Where money is concerned, blood
adult children.
Our model of stepparents is a deeply blaming one.
may suddenly seem thicker than relationship.
A stepmother's unhappiness with her new spouse
and ambivalence about her parenting role are par-
PREDICTABLE EMOTIONAL ISSUES IN

ticularly acute when the stepchildren are young
and remain in the custody of her husband's ex-
REMARRIAGE
wife. In this common situation, the stepmother
The basic premise of family systems theory is that feels less emotionally attached to the children: she
we all carry into our new relationships the emo- feels disrupted and exploited during their visits
tional baggage of unresolved issues from impor- and has to deal with the fact that her husband's co-
tant past relationships. This baggage makes us parenting partnership is conducted more with his
emotionally sensitive in the new relationships, and ex-spouse than with her (Ambert, 1986). Stepfa-
we tend to react in one of two ways: We become thers are frequently caught in the double bind of
self-protective, closed off, and afraid to make our- rescuer versus intruder, called upon to help disci-
selves vulnerable to further hurt, putting up barri- pline the stepchildren and then criticized by them
we become intensely expectant
ers to intimacy, or and their mother for this intervention. Overtrying
and demanding that the new relationships make up by the new parent is a major problem in remarried
for or erase past hurts. families, often related to guilt about unresolved or
Either of these stances complicates the new unresolvable aspects of the system.
relationships. In first marriages, the baggage we
bring is from our families of origin: our unresolved
feelings about parents and siblings. In remarriage, Complex and Ambiguous Boundaries
there are at least three sets of emotional baggage: of the System
Boundary difficulties include issues of member-

1 From the family of origin. ship, space, authority, and allocation of time. An
2. From the first marriage. additional boundary problem arises when instant
3. From the process of separation, divorce, or incest taboos are called for, as when several previ-
death and the period between marriages. ousl) unrelated teenagers are suddenly supposed
to view each other as siblings.
To the extent that either or both remarried part-

ners expects the other to relieve him or her of this
Affective Problems: Wishing for the Resolution
baggage, the new relationship will become prob-
of Ambiguity
lematic. On the other hand, to the extent that each
spouse can work to resolve his or her own emo- Intense conflictual feelings, or their denial, are
tional issues with significant people from the past, predictable problems of remarried families. These
the new relationship can proceed on its own merits. ma) include guilt about the previous spouse and/or
children. One of the injunctions most harmful to
remarried families is that a person must love an-

Complex, Conflicting, and Ambiguous New other's children as much as his or her own.
Roles and Relationships
This complexity is reflected in our lack of positive

The Tendency toward Pseudomutuality
language and kinship labels, the shifting of chil-
or Fusion
dren's sibling position in the new family, and the
lack of differentiation of parenting and stepparent- Remarried families are formed against a back-
ina functions. ground of loss, hurt and a sense of failure. This
424 CHAPTER 25
often leads to a desire to not "rock the boat" this which he will have to juggle his emotional and fi-
time, which suppresses doubt, conflicts, and dif- nancial responsibilities toward the new marriage
ferences that should be dealt with. and toward his (probably upset) children. His wife,
looking forward to the romantic aspects of a first
marriage, will encounter instead the many stresses

Loyalty Conflicts
of dealing with adolescents who probably resent
One of the greatest strains on parents is to let their her, whether the children live with the couple or
children have and express the full range of negative not. If either spouse tries to pull the other exclu-
and positive feelings toward all of their parents and sively into a life-style or attitude that denies or re-
stepparents. Often, parents want the child's whole stricts the other spouse's family life cycle tasks or
allegiance. Children feel caught, afraid that if they relationships with children from previous relation-
don't love a new stepparent, they will hurt and an- ships, difficulties will expand into serious prob-
ger one parent, but if they do love the stepparent, lems. If the husband expects his new wife to
they are disloyal and will hurt or lose the love of undertake immediately a major successful role in
the other. his children's lives or to be the one who always
backs down gracefully when her interests and pref-
erences clash with those of the children, there will
THE PROCESS OF REMARRIAGE
be serious trouble in the new marriage, as the for-
The emotional issues of remarriage go back at least mation of the new couple bond is continuously
to the disintegration of the first marriage. The in- given second priority. On the other hand, if the new
tensity of emotion unleashed by the life cycle dis- wife tries, overtly or covertly, to cut off or drasti-
ruption of divorce must be dealt with over and over cally loosen the tie between father and children or
again before the dislocated systems are restabi- takes on the role of mother to them, or if she insists
lized. Seen in this way. it should be clear that no that her claims always have his prior attention, thus
amount of "dealing with" the emotional difficul- forcing him to choose between them, there will also
ties of divorce will finish off the process once and be serious trouble. Variations in which the new
for all before remarriage, although it appears clin- wife claims to support her husband but embarks on
ically that the more emotional work is done at each a battle with his ex-wife as the source of the diffi-
step, the less intense and disruptive the subsequent culties are equally dysfunctional.
reactivations will be. Failure to deal sufficiently Since it is not possible emotionally either to
with the process at each peak may jam it enough to erase or to acquire experience overnight, it is use-
prevent remarried family stabilization from ever ful to conceptualize the joining of partners at two
occurring, a problem that is reflected in the high different life cycle phases as a process in which
rate of redivorce. both spouses have to learn to function in several
different life cycle phases simultaneously and out

of their usual sequence. The new wife will have to
THE IMPACT OF REMARRIAGE AT VARIOUS
struggle with the role of stepmother to teenagers
PHASES OF THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
before becoming an experienced wife or mother
In general, the wider the discrepancy in family life herself. Her husband will have to retraverse with
cycle experience between the new spouses, the her several phases that he has passed through be-
greater the difficulty of transition will be and the fore: the honeymoon, the new marriage with its
longer it will take to integrate a workable new fam- emphasis on romance and social activities, and the
ily. A father of late adolescent and/or young adult and rearing of any new children of their own.
birth
children with a new. young wife who was never Both need to be aware that a second passage
previously married should expect a rather strenu- through these phases automatically reactivates
ous and lengthy period of adjustment, during some of the intensity over issues that were prob-
lematic the first time around. Attempts to "make up behavior, any of which complicates or may
for" past mistakes or grievances may overload the completely obstruct the process of stepfamily re-
new relationship. The focus needs to be on having organization. There are indications that preschool
the experiences again, not on undoing, redoing, or children, if given some time and help in mourning
denying the past. With open discussion, mutual their previous loss, adjust most easily to a new step-
support, understanding, and a lot of thoughtful family and that the adjustment is most difficult for
planning, this straddling of several phases simulta- stepfamilies with teenagers. Children of latency
neously can provide rejuvenation for the older age seem to have the most difficulty resolving their
spouse and experience for the younger spouse that feelings of divided loyalty (Wallerstein & Kelly,
can enrich their lives. If the difficulties are not un- 1980) and benefit from careful attention to their
derstood and dealt with, they will surface as con- need for contact with both parents. Clearly, chil-
flict or emotional distance at each life cycle dren of all ages suffer when there is intense conflict
transition in any subsystem of the remarried family. between their biological parents and benefit when
their parents maintain civil, cooperative, co-paren-
tal relationships (Ahrons & Rodgers, 1987; Ahrons

SPOUSES AT SAME LIFE CYCLE PHASE
& Wallisch, 1986). Ahrons's research (1981) indi-
When the remarried spouses come together at the cates that if parents cannot be cooperative, structur-
same phase of the family life cycle, their greatest ing the relationships is the next best alternative.
difficulties will tend to be related to whether they
are at a childbearing phase. Obviously, spouses
STEPFAMILIES WITH ADOLESCENTS
with no children from previous marriages bring the
least complexity to the new situation. Families with Since the difficulties that most American families
grown children and grandchildren on both sides are have with adolescents are legendary, it is not sur-
complex systems with long histories and will re- prising that the additional complications of this
quire some careful thought to negotiate success- phase in stepfamilies can push the stress level be-
fully. Neither of these circumstances, however, is yond manageable bonds. We have found the follow-
likely to provide anything like the degree of strain ing common issues in stepfamilies at this phase.
involved at phases including either young or ado-
lescent children, in which the roles of active parent- 1. Conflict between the need for the remarried
ing and stepparenting must be included in the new family to coalesce and the normal concentra-
family. Unfortunately, the advantage of having sim- tion of adolescents on separation. Adolescents
ilar tasks, responsibilities, and experiences is fre- often resent the major shifts in their custom-
quently swamped in a competitive struggle that ary family patterns and resist learning new
stems from the overload of these tasks and concern roles and relating to new family members
(six children are not as easy to raise or support as when they are concerned with growing away
three), the intense emotional investment in good from the family.
parenting ("My methods are better than your meth- 2. Particular difficulty for a stepparent in at-
ods"), and the need to include both ex-spouses in tempting to discipline an adolescent.
themany arrangements regarding the children 3. Adolescent attempts to resolve their divided
("Why do you let your ex dictate our lives?"). loyalties by taking sides (Wallerstein & Kelly,
1980) or actively play one side against the
other.
STEPFAMILIES AND YOUNG CHILDREN
4. Sexual attraction between stepsiblings or
Children's struggles with the predictable issues stepparent and stepchild, along with the ado-
may surface as school and/or behavior problems, lescent's difficulty in accepting the biological
withdrawal from family and peers, or acting-out parent's sexuality.
426 CHAPTER 25
THE IMPACT OF REMARRIAGE IN LATER We will summarize several major predictable

LIFE CYCLE PHASES emotional issues in remarriage.
In first-marriage families, the major problem-

Although there is not the daily strain of living with
atic triangles involve the parents with any or all of
stepchildren and stepparents, remarriage at a post-
the children and each parent with his or her own
child-rearing phase of the life cycle requires sig-
parents and in-laws. In the more complex struc-
nificant readjustment of relationships throughout
tures of remarried families, we have identified six
both family systems, which may now include in-
of the most common triangles and interlocking tri-
laws and grandchildren. It is probable that grown
angles commonly presenting in the binuclear fam-
children and grandchildren will accept a remar-
ily. In no way do we mean to suggest by this focus
riage after a death of a parent more easily than one
that the triangles with the extended family and
after a late divorce. There will often be great relief
grandparental generation are unimportant to the
throughout the family if a widowed older parent
understanding and the therapy of remarried fami-
finds a new partner and a new lease on life,
lies. In fact, we consider genograms, a basic tool
whereas a later-life divorce usually arouses con-
for exploring structure and tracking process in all
cern and dismay throughout the family. A frequent
families, to be particularly essential in work with
problem for older remarried couples is negotiating
remarried families, because of the structural com-
about money. The strength of children's reactivity
plexity that so influences the predictable triangles
to a parent's remarriage, even after the adult child
that exist in these situations (McGoldrick. 1995:
believes that she or he has long ago resolved the
McGoldrick. Gerson. & Schellenberger. 1998). In
loss or divorce of the parent(s), may be over-
our clinical work with remarried families, coach-
whelming to them. They may need coaching to
ing of the adults on further differentiation in rela-
find a way to incorporate a new love of their parent
tion to their families of origin proceeds in tandem
into their lives.
with work on current family problems (see Chap-
Clinically, we find that the major factor in
ter 26). The extended- family aspect of the family
three-generational adjustment to remarriage in late
therapy in these cases has been mostly deleted
middle or older age is the amount of acrimony or
from the following examples because of the space
cooperation between the ex-spouses. When the re-
limitations of this chapter.
lationship is cooperative enough to permit joint at-
One final caveat: The brief case stories are
tendance at important family functions of children
meant to illustrate possible clinical moves. They
and grandchildren and when holiday arrangements
fail to convey the enormous intensity aroused by
can be jointly agreed upon, family acceptance of a
attempts to shift these relationships: the extreme
new marriage tends to follow.
anger and fear that block change; the many, many
slips back: and the recycling of old conflicts that
FAMILY THERAPY WITH REMARRIED
accompany each move forward. Our experience
FAMILIES: CLINICAL PROCEDURES
indicates that families that are willing to work on
AND ILLUSTRATIONS
relationships with their families of origin do better
Whatever the presenting problem in a remarried than those that do not.
family, it is essential to look laterally as well as
back to previous generations and to evaluate the KEY PRESENTING TRIANGLES IN
current and past relationships with previous REMARRIED FAMILDZS
spouses to determine the degree to which the fam-
The Husband, the Second Wife, and the
ily needs help to work out the patterns required by
Ex-Wife, or the Wife, the Second Husband,
the new structure. Ongoing conflict or cut-offs
and the Ex-Husband
with ex-spouses, children, parents, and grandpar-
ents will tend to overload the relationships in the When this triangle is presented as the main diffi-
remarried family and make them problematic. culty, usually around financial issues or sexual
jealousy, it is likely that the ex-spouses have not ac- able to hear them out fairly well without counterat-
complished an emotional divorce. The first step in tacking. In joint sessions with Catherine alternating
this most tricky clinical work is for the therapist to with outside meetings with Agnes and his children.
John slowly rode out Agnes's angry tirades about
establish a working alliance with the new spouse,
the past, responded to the children's questions
who will otherwise sabotage efforts to focus on the
about the divorce, took responsibility for his part in
first marriage. Efforts to work on the resolution of
their marital problems and his decision to divorce,
the divorce by seeing either the ex-spouses alone or
and became firmer in his insistence that Agnes
all three in sessions together will probably create
work out a plan with him for the financial and emo-
more anxiety than the system can handle. We have tional care of the children. Eventually, when her at-
found that such work goes most smoothly when a tacks on him provoked neither counterattacks nor
spouse is coached in the presence of the new spouse guilt) withdrawal. Agnes accepted the reality of the
to undertake steps outside of the therapy sessions divorce and turned her attention to improving her
that will change the relationship he or she currently life and the children's. With continued effort on
maintains with the ex-spouse. Along the way. the John's part, their contact became both more
new spouse will have to learn to acknowledge the friendly and less frequent. By the time they left
therapy. Agnes phoned John only when necessary
past importance of that bond to his or her spouse
and had ceased criticizing Catherine to the chil-
and to accept the fact that some degree of caring
dren, who were now less hostile to Catherine. Dur-
will probably always remain in the relationship, de-
ing their joint sessions and in sessions with John's
pending on the length of time the first marriage children. Catherine had heard John express his sor-
lasted and whether there were children. row at the failure of his first marriage and had
learned to accept that part of his past without react-
Catherine and John Blackman. both in their mid- ing personalis. She moved very cautiously with the
thirties, came for marital therapy after two years of children, leaving all disciplinary decisions to John
marriage because of "'endless money conflicts" re- and Agnes. Most difficult of all. Catherine really
garding John's support of his ex-wife, Agnes, and accepted that part of their income would need to go
their two daughters, ages 8 and 10. who lived with to John's children and that she could share in that
their mother. John felt guilty about having left his commitment.
first wife, who had been depressed and drinking
and had no social life since their divorce. Cathe-
rine felt that John put the needs of his ex-wife over The Pseudomutual Remarried Couple,
hers and gave in to Agnes's every demand for extra an Ex-Spouse, and a Child or Children
money. John defended his ex-wife's need for
money and her refusal to work on the grounds that In this triangle, the presenting problem is usually
the children needed her.He said that he could not acting out or school problems with one or more
"kick her while she was down" and that he barely children or perhaps a child's request to have cus-
responded to his first wife's frequent phone calls tody shifted from one parent to another. The
and never saw her alone. After several sessions, remarried couple presents itself as having no dis-
Catherine understood that John could not be free to agreements and blames either the child or the ex-
plan a life with her until he had resolved his guilty spouse (or both) for the trouble. Although the re-
attachment to his first wife, which would not be re-
quest in therapy will be for help for the child or for
solved, but exacerbated, by Catherine's urging him
managing the child's behavior, the background
to fight or cut off all contact with his ex-wife. With
story will usually show intense conflict between
Catherine's somewhat ambivalent support. John
the ex-spouses, the new spouse being totally sup-
arranged several meetings with Agnes during
which they discussed the limits of his future finan-
portive of his or her spouse in conflicts with the
cial support of her and he offered to keep the chil- stepchild. The first move in sorting out this triangle
dren temporarily while she reorganized her life. is to put the management of the child's behavior
Agnes's angry accusations about the divorce had temporarily in the hands of the biological parent
been predicted in a therapy session, so John was and get the new spouse to take a neutral position.
428 CHAPTER 25
rather than siding against the child. This move will In therapy, Bob agreed to be the liaison to his
probably calm things down, but they will usually son's school and was put in total charge of Larry's
not stay calm unless the pseudo-mutuality of the behavior during visits to the remarried household.
remarried couple is worked on, permitting differ-

He was also encouraged to take Larry on occa-
sional trips alone. He admitted, after a lot of en-
ences and disagreements to be aired and resolved
couragement, that he and his new wife had some
and permitting the child to have a relationship with
different ideas on raising boys but that he had not
his or her biological parent that does not automat-
wanted to argue with her, since she was doing such
ically include the new spouse every step of the
a great job generally. Nora finally admitted that it
way. Finally, work will need to be done to end the was difficult to be a part-time mother to a stranger.
battle with the ex-spouse and complete the emo- She was encouraged to rethink her role, since Larry
tional divorce, the lack of which is perpetuated by already had a mother. When Larry's behavior im-
the intense conflict over the child or children. proved, the couple agreed to work on their relations
with "crazy" Susan. As they stopped their end of
Bob and Nora Bergman came to therapy for help in the battle, Susan's "crazy" behavior diminished, al-
dealing with Bob's son, Larry (age 14). They had though Bob was not willing to go very far toward
been married for one year, during which Larry lived resolving the old issues between himself and his
with his mother and visited on weekends. Nora ex-wife. Nora, however, did considerable work on
Bergman's daughter from her first marriage, Louise resolving her mourning for her first husband and
(age 9), lived with the couple. Nora's first husband was able for the first time to start telling her daugh-
had died of cancer when Louise was 5. The Berg- ter about him and to share old picture albums with
mans reported that their marriage was extremely her. This work, she said, made it easier for her to
harmonious and that Louise was bright, cheerful, enjoy her second family and not to try so hard to
and pleasant and had an excellent relationship with make everyone happy.
both her mother and her stepfather. They thought
that Larry was becoming "seriously disturbed." His
The Remarried Couple in Conflict over the
school grades had dropped dramatically, he was in-
creasingly truculent and withdrawn on weekend
Child or Children of One of Them:
visits, he provoked endless fights with Louise, and The Husband, the Second Wife, and the
he refused simple requests from Nora to pick up his Husband's Children or the Wife, the Second
belongings. Since Larry's mother, Susan, was "an Husband, and the Wife's Children
unbalanced person" who used every opportunity to
The first of these triangles, although not the most
"harass" them, they thought that Larry was "also be-
coming mentally ill."
common household composition, is the most prob-
Bob worked long hours and left the management lematic because of the central role the stepmother
of the household and children to his wife, who, he is expected to play in the lives of live-in stepchil-
reported, dealt pleasantly and impartially with both dren. If the stepmother has never been married be-
children. Nora agreed, saying that she loved Larry fore, and if the children's mother is alive and has a
"as if he were my son" and devoted herself entirely less than ideal relationship with her ex-husband, it
to the welfare of her "new family of four." She tried may be an almost impossible situation. The step-
her best to be polite to the ex-Mrs. Bergman but mother should be helped to pull back long enough
found her rude and almost impossible to deal with
to renegotiate with both her husband and the chil-
and thought that she was a harmful influence on
dren as to what her role realistically should be.
Larry, treating him inconsistently and occasionally
Rather than leave the stepmother and children to
leaving him alone when she went on dates. Larry
fight it out, the father will have to participate ac-
reported that both Bob and Nora "hated" his
mother, and he could not stand to hear them talk tively in making and enforcing such rules as are
about her. He said that his mother phoned to check agreed upon. When their immediate household is
on his welfare only because she knew that his father in order, the husband will have to work on estab-
left everything to "that woman." lishing a cooperative co-parental relationship with
his ex-wife, or the conflict with her will set the When Jim and Sandy's relationship was in better
children off again and inevitably reinvolve his new shape and the girls' behavior had improved, the
wife. If the first wife is dead, he may need to com- therapy focused on the incomplete grief work of
plete his mourning for her and help his children to

Jim and the girls, who visited Susie's grave several
times together. On their third visit, Jim invited
do so in order to let the past go and not see his sec-
Sandy to join them. After that. Sandy redecorated
ond wife as a poor replacement of his first.
the house and hung a picture of Susie with their
Sandy and Jim Burns came for marital therapy on other family pictures. Throughout this period.
the verge of divorce. Jim's first wife, Susie, had Sandy worked on relationships in her family of or-
died of cancer when Jim's daughters were ages 3 igin, particularly with her mother, who had spent
and He had married Sandy a year later, and she

4. most of her life resisting Sandy's father's attempts
had moved into their house, which Susie had dec- to "tell her what to do."
orated with exquisite taste. Although uncomfort-

able to be so thoroughly surrounded by signs of
The Pseudomutual Remarried Couple,
Susie. Sandy rationalized that it would be wasteful
to redecorate the house and settled into She
His Children, and Her Children
it. lis-
tened carefully while Jim explained the girls' rou- This triangle presents as a happily remarried cou-
tines and likes and dislikes and tried to keep their
ple with "no difficulties except that their two sets
lives exactly as they had been. As the years went
of children fight constantly with each other." The
by. with Jim criticizing every departure from "the
children are usually fighting out the conflicts de-
way Susie did it." Sandy's nerves began to fray and
nied by the remarried couple either in the marriage
she became, in her own words, "a wicked step-
mother." She screamed at the girls and at Jim, and
or in the relationship with the ex-spouse(s). Since
they exchanged glances and whispered about her. direct confrontation of the pseudo-mutuality stiff-
Once, she threatened to redecorate the house but ens resistance, and since the presenting request is
backed down under Jim's anger. Now. with both made in regard to the children, it is wise to begin
girls teenagers and increasingly rude to her and with an exploration of the triangles involving the
Jim withdrawn and sullen much of the time, she children and ex-spouses, focusing on the welfare
thought that perhaps she should admit failure and of the children.
leave the marriage.
The first turning point in therapy came when Jim Blake and Sally Brown requested family therapy
realized that in his grief for his first wife and his because of the endless fighting between their chil-
concern for his children's welfare, he had never re- dren whenever Blake's children visited. Blake and
ally made a place for Sandy in the tightly knit be- Sally were in their thirties and had been married
reaved system of himself and his daughters. He had for less man a year. Their relationship had begun
never supported her authority with them and had as an affair while Blake was still married, a fact
continued to join them in their rebellion against her. that they believed was not known by Blake's ex-
He now willingly took charge of the girls' behavior wife or children, ages 8 and 6. Sally had been di-
and insisted that they treat Sandy with courtesy. vorced two years before the affair began and had
custody of her two children, a boy of 8 and a girl of
This move, which we call the "gatekeeper in-
5. The couple said that they supported each other
tervention" is designed to hold the biological parent on all issues related to their ex-spouses; in fact,
responsible for making room in the system for the Blake frequently arranged the visits of Sally's chil-
new spouse. When a stepmother is involved, the fa- dren to their biological father, since it "upset Sally
ther needs to deliver two messages to his children: to argue with him." Blake's ex-wife was a "dis-
turbed person." whom he could hardly deal with.
1. Be courteous to my spouse (not "your" any- but, again, they worked together not to let her
thing). cause trouble for them. Sally had assured Blake
2. "You are answering to me. You haven't lost that if his ex-wife's "irrationality" became too dis-
both your mother and me." turbing for his children, she would support him in
430 CHAPTER 25
attempts to gain custody and raise them with her plex, always interlocking with the triangle involv-
own children. ing the remarried couple (who may have either a
Neither Blake nor Sally saw any connection be- pseudo-mutual or a conflictual relationship) and
tween their problems dealing with their ex-spouses
the triangles with both ex-spouses.
and their children's battles with each other, so the
therapist spent several sessions educating them Florence Green sought a consultation to help her
about children's loyalty conflicts in divorce and re- resolve a battle that she was involved in with her
marriage and the time required for them to accept 18-year-old-son. Donald, who was threatening not
stepparenting. When this registered on Blake, he be- to go to college at all if he couldn't go to the expen-
gan efforts to improve his relationship with his ex- sive school of his choice rather than the moder-
wife. Blake and Sally's pseudo-mutual cover was ately priced college Florence preferred for him.
blown as Sally collapsed in tears, threatening sepa- Florence said that she wanted to clarify her own
ration, termination of therapy, or anything else that position on this issue, which, she said, kept shift-
might deter Blake's change. In subsequent ses- ing. When she argued with Donald, she pointed
sions, she confessed strong feelings of guilt and in- out the sensible choices and good work habits of
security because of the affair, fearing that she had her stepson, Phil, also 18: yet, in frequent and bit-
"taken him away from his wife, who would there- ter battles with her husband, Adam, she accused
fore be justified in trying to take him back." Even- him of always favoring "his" son over "hers." Flo-
tually, Sally came to recognize that the hidden rence reported that in their fifteen years of mar-
agenda in her offer to raise Blake's children was the riage, they had not yet become a family. The main
wish that they both had to eliminate contact with reason she stayed in the marriage, she implied, was
Blake's ex-wife. that she and her second husband had a son together
With the issues now out on the table, Blake and who was only 13.
Sally were responsive to the therapist's suggestions The Green family is an example of a remarried
that each take on the jobs of dealing with their re- family that has not achieved integration and resta-
spective ex-spouses and managing their own chil- bilization even after the passage of many years.
dren. When they did this, the conflict between the They had married within a year of their previous di-
two sets of children abated. The work of each of vorces. Florence had cut off her ex-husband, who,
them in relationship to their ex-spouses was long she said, only disappointed and neglected their son,
and intense, and they threatened to give it up or di- Donald. Adam Green, a wealthy physician, had en-
vorce each other many times during the process. gaged in a series of bitter custody battles with his
The lack of time between Blake's marriages made ex-wife, which continued to the present day. Flo-
his struggles with his guilty attachment to his ex- rence was heavily invested in obtaining a "good fa-
wife particularly intense, which triggered Sally's ther" for Donald and both pushed and criticized her
guilt and insecurity. Only after some period of husband in his relationship with her son. In an at-
work in their families of origin were they able to tempt to make things work out, she made extra
understand and take responsibility for their own efforts to get along with her husband's son, Phil,
contributions to the failure of their first marriages. which then aroused Donald's resentment. On his
Feeling less like victims, they were able to reduce side,Adam Green's emotional energies went into
their tendency to huddle together helplessly against the custody battles with his ex-wife and his profes-
the "outside." sional practice, which was extremely demanding.

He could not understand his wife's failure to appre-
ciate the financial security he gave her and her son
A Parent, the Biological Children, and had become increasingly resentful of Donald's
and the Stepchildren antagonism toward him and Phil. The family alli-
ances were perfectly reflected in Adam's recently

As in the previous case, this triangle may present drawn will, which left the major share of his estate
as simple household conflict with the parent to his son. Phil: a secondary legacy to Alex, the son
caught in the middle between his or her biological he and Florence had together: a smaller amount to
children and stepchildren. It is, in fact, quite com- Florence herself; and nothing to Donald. Florence
worried that the uneven inheritance would continue married before. Eric said that their major problem
the family feud in subsequent generations, pitting was that Joan constantly fought with his mother
her own two biological sons, Donald and Alex, and put him in the middle. Joan stated that Eric's
against each other and destroying any relationship mother had never accepted Eric's divorce or their
between Donald and Phil. marriage and that she talked and acted as if Eric
Family therapy in this complex situation re- were still married to his ex-wife. Ethel, with whom
quired motivation on Florence's part to go back to the older Mrs. Hendrix retained a very close rela-
the unresolved tasks of fifteen years ago and pull tionship. Further. Joan complained, she had not yet
herself out of the triangles involving her husband had a honeymoon, and every weekend was devoted
and Donald, on the one hand, and Donald and Phil. to entertaining Eric's children either in their small
on the other. Better progress would have been made New York apartment or, worse, at Eric's parents'
initially if her husband had agreed to be involved in home in the suburbs. On the latter occasions, Joan
the treatment and been persuaded to give up the said, her mother-in-law was cold and hostile to-
battles with his ex-wife. Eventually. Donald reward her, interfered with every move she made
quested help in extricating himself from the scape- toward Eric's children, and spoke constantly of
goat position and reconnecting with his biological Ethel's loneliness and financial difficulties. When
father. Since the marital bond was in question. Flo- Eric and Joan stayed overnight, Eric's mother in-
rence had to find the motivation to initiate these sisted that the younger children share a room with
changes for her own sake and that of her children. them rather than "mess up" the living room. Eric
Only after she had confronted her husband about never called his mother to task for any of this but
the negative effects his will would have and had expected Joan to "understand that she means well."
convinced him that both their family relationships Since both Eric and Joan wanted their marriage
and the terms of his will must change did she de- to work, they negotiated a deal whereby Eric would
cide that it was worth working toward stabilizing clarify the boundary of his new marriage with his
her second marriage. parents, his children, and his ex-wife and Joan
would stop criticizing and arguing with her mother-
in-law. For openers, Eric and Joan took a belated
The Remarried Spouses and the honeymoon trip over the objection of his mother
Parents of Either that he should not leave his children for such a long
period. Thereafter, however, Eric's part of the bar-
This triangle features the in-laws as part of the pre-
gain was easier said than done. During the extended
senting problem, but it should be remembered that
period that he spent renegotiating his visitation ar-
relationships with the grandparents* generation are
rangements, resolving his guilty attachment to his
as crucial in remarried families (Gorell Barnes et first wife, and reworking his relationships with his
al., 1998) as they are in all other families, and their parents, there were many eruptions throughout the
exploration should be a part of a routine evaluation. system. One of his children started failing in
The presentation of the older generation as part of school, the older boy returned to li\ e with Eric's ex-
the current problem is most likely to occur if they wife, his father had a heart attack, and his ex-w ife
have disapproved of the divorce and remarriage or was hospitalized briefly for depression. With each
upsurge of tension. Joan was pulled back into con-
have been actively involved in caring for their
flicts with her mother in-law. These occasions less-
grandchildren before or during the remarriage.
ened considerably when she started serious work in
Mr. and Mrs. Hendrix had been married for two her own family of origin, from whom she had been
years when they appeared for marital therapy. Eric estranged since her marriage. Although very
was a businessman in his middle forties and had pleased with the outcome after several years of in-
been previously married. His ex-wife had custody tensive work, Joan said that she had "aged ten years
of his three sons, the oldest of whom now lived trying to work out a marriage to a whole family in-
with Eric's parents "because of the excellent high stead of just to a person." During the course of
school in their town." Joan Hendrix was fifteen treatment, the therapist involved all of the family
years younger than her husband and had not been subsystems in sessions: the remarried couple alone,
432 CHAPTER 25
with Eric's children, and with Eric's parents; Joan • Children should never have the power to decide
and her parents; Ethel and the children; Ethel alone; on remarriage, custody or visitation, although
Ethel and her parents; and once, Ethel, Eric, Joan, children's input into decisions obviously in-
Eric's mother, and the oldest son. creases with age.
• Parents need to help children have the full
We routinely contact an ex-spouse and invite
him or her to meet alone or with the children to
range of feelings for all parents —accepting the
divided loyalties.
hear our opinion of the children's problems that
have been brought to our attention by the remar- Our recommended guidelines include the
ried family. When we inform the family of our in-
following:
tention to do this, we are frequently warned that
the ex-spouse in question does not care, won't re- 1. Take a three generational genogram and out-
spond, or is crazy. Nevertheless, such a phone call line previous marriages before plunging into
frequently locates a concerned parent who is per- current household problems.
fectly willing to come in, although warning us that 2. Keep inmind particular difficulties related to
our client is crazy. These ex-spouses can fre- family members being at different life cycle
quently be engaged in subsequent sessions alone stages, the emotionally central role of women
or with the children. in families and the special difficulties for them
in moving into a new system, and their trying
CONCLUSION to maintain the myth of the intact family.
3. Beware of families struggling with develop-

The most frequent parental mistakes in remarried
mental tasks before they have adopted the
families are:
prerequisite attitudes for remarriage: for ex-
ample, a parent pushing a child and stepparent
1. Parents' preoccupation with themselves and
to be close without accepting that their rela-
neglect of their children's experience (which
tionship will take time to develop.
follows from the juxtaposition of conflicting
4. Help the family gain patience to tolerate the
life cycle tasks: parenting and courtship).
ambiguity and not "overtry" to make things
2. Treating the remarriage as an event, rather
work out. This includes accepting that family
than a complex reformation of the family,
ties do not develop overnight. Encourage step-
which takes years.
parents to understand that a child's negative
3. Trying to get children to resolve the ambigu-
reactions are not to be taken personally and
ities of multiple loyalties by cutting off one re-
help them tolerate guilt, conflicted feelings,
lationship to create clarity in the others.
ambivalence, divided loyalties, and so on.
5. Include the new spouse in sessions in which
Our general goal in working with remarried
you coach the client to resolve his or her re-
families is to establish an open system with work-
able boundaries and to revise traditional gender
lationship with an ex-spouse, at least in the
roles.
beginning —or you will increase their para-
This goal requires: noia.

6. Take the frequent characterization of an
• A working, open, coparental relationship be- ex-spouse as "crazy" with a grain of salt.
tween former spouses. The list of the ex-spouse's outrageous be-
• Working through the emotional divorce behavior may reflect the client's provocations
tween former spouses. (We assume this is not and/or retaliations.

resolved if they are not speaking or have con- 7. When the remarriage ends a close single-
tinuous conflicts.) parent/child relationship, the feelings of loss,
especially for the child, have to be dealt with and will require the active support of the nat-
and the shift to a new system will take time. ural parent. In the case of older adolescents, it
8. If the child is presented as the problem, try to may not be appropriate to expect the shift to
involve all parents and stepparents as early as occur to any great degree at all.
possible in therapy. If joint sessions are held, 10. Look at the "hidden agenda" in sudden pro-
the discussion should be directed toward co- posals to rearrange custody, visitation, or fi-
operative work to resolve the child's difficul- nancial arrangements.

ties. We do not permit discussion of marital 11. Include work on the spouses' families of ori-
issues at these meetings. gin as early in treatment as possible.
9. In problems involving child-focused uproar, 12. Work to get parents to define predictable and
put the natural parent in charge of the child adequate plans for visitation and to keep up
temporarily. When the uproar subsides, coach relationships with the ex-spouse's extended
the natural parent on ways to "move over" and family.
include his or her spouse in the system — first, 13. Regarding the predictable patterns and pro-
as a spouse only. Warn the family that the shift cesses in remarriage, educate and normalize,
to active stepparenting may take several years normalize, normalize.
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32(1), 4(M4. tive. American Psychologist, 44(2), 303-312.
Duberman, L. (1975). Tlie reconstituted family: A study Laird, J., & Green, R. J. (1996). Lesbians and gays in
of remarried couples and their children. Chicago: couples and families. New York: Jossey-Bass.
Nelson-Hall. Larson, J. (1992). Understanding stepfamilies. American
Furstenberg, F. F, & Cherlin, A. (1991). Divided fami- Demographics, 14, 360.
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Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. necting with your family. New York: Norton.
Furstenberg, F, Nord, C. W., Peterson. J. L., & Zill, N. McGoldrick, M. ( 1996). Living beyond loss [Videotape].
(1983). The life course of children of divorce: Mar- New York: Newbridge Communications.
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ciological Re\'iew, 656-668. (1998). Genograms in family assessment (2nd ed.).
Glick, Paul C. (1989). Remarried families, stepfamilies New York: Norton.

and stepchildren: A brief demographic profile. Montgomery, M. J., Anderson, E. R.. Hetherington,
Family Relations, 38, 24-27. E. M., & Clingempeel, W. G (1993). Patterns of
Goldstein, H. S. (1974). Reconstituted families: The sec- courtship for remarriage: Implications for child de-
ond marriage and its children. Psychiatric Quar- velopment and parent-child relationships. Journal
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ardt, N. (1998). Growing up in stepfamilies. New and remarriage in the 1990s (U.S. Bureau of the
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opment, 60(1), 1-14. Pasley, K., & Ihinger-Tallman, M. (Eds.). (1994). Step-
Hetherington. E. M. (1990, March 23). Remarriage, lies, parenting: Issues in theory, research and practice.
and videotape. Presidential address to the Society Westport, CT: Praeger.
for Research on Adolescence, Atlanta. Pasley, K., & Ihinger-Tallman, M. (1987). Remarriage
Hetherington, E. M. (1991). The role of individual and stepparenting: Current research and theory.
differences and family relationships in chil- New York: The Guilford Press.
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P. A. Cowen, & E. M. Hetherington (Eds.), (1996). Successful stepfamily therapy: Clients' per-
Family transitions. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Er- spectives, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy,
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Hetherington, E. M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia Ransom, J. W„ Schlesinger, S., & Derdeyn, A. (1979). A
longitudinal study of divorce and remarriage with a stepfamily in formation. American Journal of Or-
focus on early adolescence. Journal of Family Psy- thopsychiatry, 49(1).
chology. 7(1)39-56. Sager, C. J., Brown, H. S., Crohn, H., Engel, T, Rod-
Hetherington, E. M., & Clingempeel, W. G. (1992). Cop- stein, E., & Walker. L. (1983). Treating the remar-
ing with marital transitions: A family systems per- ried family. New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Stepfamily Association of America. ( 1997). Some facts Visher. E. B.. & Visher. J. S. (1996). Therap\ with step-
about stepfamilies. Internet: http://www.stepfam. families. Ner York: Brunner/Mazel.

org/faas.htm 1 1/26/98). Wallerstein. J.. & Kelly. J. ( 1980). Sunning the breakup.
Visher. E. B.. & Visher. J. S. ( 1979). Stepfamilies: A guide New York: Basic Books.
to working with stepparents and stepchild. New White. L. ( 1992). The effect of parental divorce and re-
York: Brunner/Mazel. marriage on parental support for adult children.

Visher. E. B.. & Visher. J. S. ( 1988). Old loyalties, nnv Journal of Family Issues. 13[ 2 1. 234-250.
ties: Therapuetic strategies with stepfamilies. New Whiteside. M. (1982). Remarriage: A family develop-
York: Brunner/Mazel. mental process. Journal of Marital and Family
Visher. E.. & Visher. J. < 1991 1. How to win as a stepfam- Therapy. 8. 59-68.
ilx 1 2nd ed.). New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Chapter 26
COACHING AT VARIOUS STAGES

OF THE LIFE CYCLE
BETTY CARTER
MONICA McGOLDRICK
This paper will outline Bowen's method of coach- and hold it despite the family's reaction, while keep-
ing and discuss common triangles and coaching ining in emotional contact with family members, you
terventions that we have developed at various life maximize the likelihood (not a guarantee!) that
cycle stages to suggest a way to orient oneself clin- they will eventually change to accommodate your
ically to individuals and families throughout the change (Bowen 1978a). Coaching is a method of
life cycle. We offer this summary because we con- therapy based on the theoretical concepts of Dr.
sider this theoretical framework to be powerful for Murray Bowen (1978b; Papero, 1990; Kerr & Bo-
assessing and intervening with families at each wen, 1988) and elaborated by his students Carter,
point in the life cycle, using Bowen's multigenera- Fogarty, Friedman, Guerin, Kerr. Lerner, McGold-
tional and our multicontextual framework. The in- rick, Titleman, and others. The term "coaching" re-
creasing multiculturalism in the United States fers to the stance of the therapist as being like a
makes the work of emotional connectedness and coach, on the sidelines of a game, keeping the big
social inclusiveness more important than ever picture in mind, advising on strategy, and noting
(McGoldrick, 1998). reactions, strengths, and weaknesses. The coach
Family systems therapy is based on the idea cheers players on, but the work and the respon-
that the family is, except in rare circumstances, the sibility to reach the goal remain with the play-
primary emotional system to which we ever be- ers. The word "coach" also, of course, describes a
long that shapes and continues to determine the teacher or mentor helping a student to master a dif-
course and outcome of our lives. As in any system, ficult task.
relationships and functioning (physical, social, Bowen family systems theory provides a way
emotional, and spiritual) are interdependent, and a of thinking about and intervening in the full spec-
change in one part of the system is followed by trum of emotional and social functioning. It is
compensatory changes in other parts of the system. based on the idea that if one person changes, all
Such primary impact makes the family our greatest others in emotional contact with him or her will
potential resource as well as our greatest potential have to make compensatory changes. Family ther-
source of stress. apy is thus not defined by or restricted to any par-
The ultimate goal of family systems work is to ticular number of family members' attending
get a person-to-person relationship with each liv- therapy sessions and sometimes family therapy
ing person in your current nuclear and extended with one person is the better choice (Szapoczynik
family. The process of working out personal rela- etal.. 1983).
tionships occurs at different levels, including gene- In this approach, discussion focuses on overall
alogical research, and the work on each level patterns in the network of relationships rather than
depends on the client's internal clock. just the individual's intrapsychic processes. The
The basic idea of coaching is that if you can work focuses on the most motivated and functional
change the part you play in your family problems family member, rather than the "sickest," because
436
COACHING AT VARIOL'S STAGES OF THE LIFE CYCLE 437
this is the person who is most able to take action to sidelines of the client system and serving as con-
change his or her part in the family process. The sultants, try to keep themselves from being pulled
emphasis in coaching is on the who. what. when. into the family emotional field or from entering it
where, and how of family patterns and themes, intentionally, while developing a reality-oriented,
rather than on the why of individual motivation. open. and. one hopes, warm and respectful rela-
The main work of the therapy is conducted outside tionship with the individual who is consulting
of therapy sessions in the relationships with actual them (Carter & McGoldrick Orfanidis. 1976).
family members, rather than during sessions in the
relationship with the therapist. Teaching, thinking.
SYSTEM INTERACTIONS
planning, and other intellectual processes leading
up to actual relationship change are given priority Family relationships tend to be highly reciprocal,
in the therapy process over interpretation and in- patterned, and repetitive and to have circular,
sight, which may otherwise substitute for action, or rather than linear, motion. In other words, cause-
emotional catharsis and support which might elimi- and-effect thinking, which asks why and looks for
nate the anxiety that drives motivation to change. someone to blame for a problem, is not as useful as
Emotional functioning is viewed in the context of identifying patterns and tracing their flow, since all
universal reciprocal processes varying in degree family patterns, once established, are perpetuated
from family to family. Feelings are related to family by everyone involved in them, although not all
emotional patterns, rather than being dealt with pri- have equal power or influence. But. of course,
marily in the therapeutic relationship. The therapist family systems do not exist in a vacuum. Rather,
encourages the development of a calm atmosphere, their members are also embedded in the systemic
diminishing emotional intensity, as best for the ther- patterns of the larger context of their community
apeutic endeavor. and society and limited by the structure of these
The goal is to establish a climate in which a larger systems in profound ways. Thus, in a family
thoughtful response, rather than emotional reactiv- that is embedded in a patriarchal social system,
ity, is predominant, both in the therapy and in the women and children have decidedly less power to
process of changing family relationships. The the- influence the structure than do men: and in a hier-
ory emphasizes the importance of knowing the dis- archically organized racist, classist, and homopho-
tinction between thinking and feeling and calls for bic system, the poor, people of color and gays and
applying each appropriately, for example, thinking lesbians have little freedom to challenge existing
through your plans for life or the status of your mar- social structures. While there is a reciprocal aspect
riage and feeling intensely in the actual conduct of to all relationships, and it is a person"s individual
your relationships and life events that naturalh pro- participation in any system that is all he or she can
duce emotional responses. Most of us do the oppo- change, the analysis of the system must include
site much of the time: reacting emotionally at also the unequal power distribution to members of
crucial decision-making moments and letting intel- a s\ stem. This does not mean that the relationships
lectualization and rationalization block or dampen are not reciprocal, but rather that one must factor in
our emotional lives. Internal and external systems the dimension of power to think clearly how to
are seen as having significant reciprocal influence change them and what the consequences will be of
on each other, and the internal system is not seen as attempting change from a less powerful position.
the most relevant to psychological functioning. In- In a family, if any person changes, his or her
deed, the assumption is that external systems such emotional input and reactions also change, inter-
as relationships frequently determine internal feel- rupting the predictable flow. Other family mem-
ing states, rather than vice versa. bers will be jarred out of their own unthinking
In this approach, transference phenomena are responses and. in the automatic move toward ho-
actively discouraged. Therapists, standing on the meostasis that is inherent in all systems, will react
438 CHAPTER 26
by trying to get the disrupter back into place again. under stress. Few people can relate personally for
In two-person subsystems, such as married cou- very long before running into some issue that
ples or parent-child relationships, the element of makes one or both anxious, at which point it is
reciprocity of emotional functioning can be strik- common to triangle in a third person or thing as a
ing, as in the enduring marriages of the sinner and way of diverting the anxiety from the relationship
the saint, the master and the slave, the dreamer and of the twosome. Triangles are always dysfunc-
the doer, and the optimist and the pessimist or the tional in the sense that they offer stabilization
intense involvement between the nagging mother through diversion, rather than through resolution
and the dawdling child. This is obviously not to of the issue in the twosome's relationship. It is also
say that the power of both partners to change such harmful to those who are pulled into the middle or
relationships is equal. onto one side of a conflict. Thus, a couple having
relationship issues, instead of dealing with the is-
sues, may focus on a child, whose misbehavior

FUSION VERSUS DIFFERENTIATION
gives them something to come together on in mu-
The emotional forces of interdependence tend to tual concern. Repeated over time, triangling be-
lead to a kind of fusion, or stuck-togetherness, of comes a chronic dysfunctional pattern, preventing
family members within a system. This togetherness resolution of differences in the couple and making
should not be confused with emotional closeness. one or more of the three vulnerable to physical or
Family members may fail to develop themselves or emotional symptoms. Such dysfunctional stabili-
give up part or most of their autonomy out of anxi- zation, although problematic, may be experienced
ety that their self-assertion will cost them the love or as preferable to change.
approval of other family members. Indeed, women In a triangle, the three relationships are inter-
in our society are raised to give up self in this way. dependent; they are not three separate person-to-
The measure of differentiation or emotional matu- person dyads. Any dyad in a triangle is a function
rity is thus that individuals are able to distinguish of the other two. Detriangling is the process
between thinking and feeling and able to think, plan, whereby one individual frees himself or herself
know, and follow their own beliefs and self-directed from the enmeshment of the triangle and develops
life course, rather than living reactively to the cues separate person-to-person relationships with each
of those close to them. They do not have to spend of the other two. Involvement in triangles and in-
their life energy on winning approval, attacking terlocking triangles that span the generations is
others, or maneuvering in relationships to obtain one of the key mechanisms whereby patterns of re-
emotional comfort. They can move freely from lating and functioning are transmitted over the
emotional closeness in person-to-person relation- generations in a family. Usually, the most emotion-
ships to self-direction in pursuit of their personal life ally significant triangle in a person's life is the one
goals and back. Then can freely take "I-Positions," with his or her parents, and subsequent triangles
which are calm statements of their beliefs or feel- often replay those unresolved issues. Since the
ings, without having to attack others or defend concept of triangles is so crucial and methods of
themselves. In their personal relationships, they can detriangling are often counterintuitive, the reader
relate openly, without needing to talk about others is referred to the full clinical treatise by Guerin,
or focus on activities or impersonal things to find Fogarty, Fay, and Kautto (1996).
common ground.
DISTANCING AND CUT-OFF

TRIANGLES
The concepts of fusion and reactive distance or to-
The basic unit of an emotional system is the trian- tal cut-off are central to systems theory. The pull
gle, which typically stabilizes two-person systems for togetherness in a relationship can be pictured as
COACHING AT VARIOUS STAGES OF THE LIFE CYCLE 439
exerting a force like that of two magnets. When Bowen w as addressing the need to train one's mind
the pull becomes too strong and threatens to en- to control emotional reactivity so that, unlike ani-
gulf individuality and blur separateness. there w ill mals, we can control our behavior and think about
be a reactive pulling awaj on the part of one or how we want to respond, rather than be at the
both. Much of the emotional interaction between mercy of our fears, phobias, compulsions, in-
spouses and between parents and children consists stincts, and sexual and aggressive impulses. This
of the jockeying of each for an optimal position in does not in any way mean suppressing authentic
relation to the other, in which the emotional bond and appropriate emotional expressi\eness. which
will be felt as comfortable, rather than too close or is part of the primary goal of Bowen therapy.
too distant. Since each person is highly likely to Grounding oneself emotionally and learning to
have a different comfort range, the shifting back connect emotionally by developing a personal re-
and forth is continuous. When the emotional inten- lationship with e\ery member of one's family are.
sity in the system is too great, the pull toward fu- indeed, the blueprint for all subsequent emotional
sion too strong, family members frequently try to connections.
cut off the relationship entirely. Dan Goleman (1997). in his book Emotional
Cutting off a relationship by physical or emo- Intelligence, discusses this same process of mind
tional distance does not end the emotional process; over emotional reactivity, crediting Aristotle w ith
in fact, it intensifies it. If one cuts off relationships defining the original proposition: "Anyone can be-
w ith parents or siblings, the emotional sensitivities come angry, that is easy. But to become angrv with
and yearnings from these relationships tend to the right person, to the right degree, at the right
push into one's other relationships, with a spouse time, for the right purpose — this is not easj I
Aris-
or with children, becoming all the more intense in totle. The Nicomachean Ethics)." (p. ix). The
the displacement. The new relationships will tend question. Goleman says, is "How can we bring in-
to become problematic under this pressure and telligence to our emotions and civility to our
lead to further distancing and cut-offs. streets and caring to our communal life?" (p. xivi.
The blind spot in Bowen theory (1978b). as
we see it. is that it does not account for the fact that
DIFFERENTIATION
women and minorities have experienced a social-
Bowen's concept of differentiation describes a ization that actually proscribes the assertive, self-
state of self-knowledge and self-definition that directed thinking and behavior that are necessary
does not rely on the acceptance of others for one's for differentiation. Failure to acknowledge these
beliefs but encourages one to be connected to oth- disparities mystifies those within our society who
ers without the need to defend one's self or attack are raised in oppressive ways and are not starting
the other. Ironically, although Bowen's is the only on an even playing field. Girls in this society are
early family therapy theory that gives equal weight expected to put the needs of others before their
to autonomy and emotional connectedness as char- own. Even to define their own values, wishes, or
acteristics necessary for the differentiation of adult opinions is generally seen as selfishness. People of
maturity, he is widely misunderstood in the field. color are raised to be deferential to Whites and to
Bowen's term "differentiation." which he equated accept the fact of the privileges Whites have in this
with "maturity." is commonly misused and mis- society. They must fight harder for any opportuni-
quoted as if it meant autonomy, separateness. or ties they get in the society and accept, in most sit-
disconnectedness. And because Bowen empha- uations without resistance, the prejudice and need
sized the necessit) of distinguishing between to stifle their resentments of slights on an everyday
thinking and feeling, he has been criticized by- basis. Gays and lesbians are told by official U.S.
some feminists for elevating "male" attributes of military policy and by social attitudes and laws,
rationality over "female" relationality. Actually. "'don't tell" us who you are. A White male who
440 CHAPTER 26
tries to differentiate will generally be responded to tem at work, with friends, or in the community.
with respect; a woman, a person of color, or a And coaching may mean helping a client to deal
homosexual who tries to differentiate may be with any of the above, whether the client has pre-
sanctioned, ostracized, or even harmed by the viously done the basic work with parents or not.
community. Thus, our assessment of a person's de- We believe that all intense emotional triangles in-
velopment must include assessment of social ob- terlock with the parental triangle or are in some
stacles to their accomplishing the tasks leading to ways displacements of unresolved issues with par-
maturity. ents. Thus, other emotional triangles are much
more easily dealt with if the basicwork has been
done. However, relatively mature and highly moti-
THE ROLE OF THE COACH
vated clients can often be coached to change their
Bowen's concept of the role of the coach seems re- behavior and emotional functioning in other cur-
markably similar to the Buddhist idea of a master rent triangles before or even without any particular
teacher. The Buddhist nun Pema Chodron has de- effort with the family of origin. Every presenting
scribed her mentor, Trungpa Rinpoche, as a master problem should be conceptualized in terms of a tri-
of not confirming: "Talking to him was like talking angle. The client can then be taught how triangles
to a huge space in which everything bounced work and coached to change his or her input into
back— you had to be accountable for yourself." problems in the triangles of relationships, mar-
She believes that the teacher's role is to wean stu- riage, divorce, remarriage, or workplace as a way
dents from dependency, from the parent-child view of untying the knot that brought him or her into
of life, the theistic view: therapy. When this initial work has achieved some
relief, it is the therapist's job to review the ways in
Theism implies that you can't find out for yourself
what's true. You take Buddhist teachings —or any which the client's emotional reactivity was con-
teachings —and try to fit yourself into them, without

nected to triangles and issues in the family of ori-
really grappling with them in a way that could gin and suggest that the client continue the work.
transform your being. You 're just trying to live up The decision is up to the client, and if the decision
to some ideal. You 're still looking for the security of is not to continue, the therapist should express
having someone else to praise or blame. Account- willingness to continue in the future if the client
on the other hand, doesn 7 offer that kind of

ability, has a change of heart or mind.
support. There is no hand to hold. No matter what A basic assumption of systems thinking is that
other people say, when it comes down to it, you are
if one person changes her or his emotional func-
the only one who can answer your own questions,
tioning in the family, the system will change. The
(p. 11)
only exception might be in couple relationships,
Coaching generally focuses on helping the which are the only "optional" relationships in all
client to define a self in the family of origin. This is family relationships — the only ones that are not
a long-term effort by the client to increase his or necessarily forever. If one partner really changes
her functional and emotional level of maturity. Ex- and the other remains inaccessible or unchanging,
cept in rare circumstances, the most important tri- it means that the couple system is not viable and
angle is that of the client and his or her parents. the first partner probably has no option but to move
Detriangling from that and staying detriangled on. Thus, the wife of an alcoholic who differenti-
from multigenerational family patterns make up ates may precipitate her husband into AA, or she
the core of the work of becoming a more mature may learn that her husband is too caught up in his
self, autonomous and emotionally connected. addiction to respond, no matter what she does. If
However, a person may become enmeshed in he chooses his addiction over the marriage, her
many other intense triangles in the original family, only real choice eventually is to leave. In general,
the nuclear family, or the current relationship sys- however, the systems assumption is that if one per-
COACHING AT VARIOUS STAGES OF THE LIKE CYCLE 441
son changes her or his role, the system will be al- until he was X: "If you hadn't had a course in the
tered and the person will be able to function more horrors of sleeping with your mother (in your pre-
freely in current and future relationships, whether vious years of therapy), how would you have eval-
family, social, or professional. A person's ability to uated it?"
change his or her emotional functioning will de- Carrying a situation to the point of absurdity
pend, of course, on a number of factors. Children may often help people to gain perspective on their
and people of any age who are not financially overly intense involvement in a rigid position and
independent will have limited ability to take a po- reduce what was threatening and serious to trivial-
sition of emotional independence in a family. Fur- ity. After long complaints about a wife's conversa-
thermore, there are situations in which family mem- tional style at a party, the coach might say, "It
bers are so locked into their addiction or other dys- sounds likeyou shouldn't take her anywhere until
functional pattern that a differentiating move only she learns how to behave right."
clarifies that the s\ stem is too rigid, disengaged, or Furthermore, the very act of sharing a laugh
immature to move beyond reacting. can help to reduce the tension and restore some of
Any change involves a minimum of three the commonality that has been cut off by bitter-
steps: (1) the change. (2) the family's reaction to ness. By suddenly disorganizing the established
the change, and (3 ) dealing w ith the family's reac- social situation, humor creates a surprising new
tions to the change. These three steps could, of arrangement and opens new possibilities. "Just
course, take years. Murray Bowen was fond of rethink." one coach remarked, "of the wonderful op-
marking that most of us do a two-step much of the portunity that 'impossible woman' is giving you to
time: We attempt to change, but when someone leam patience." Humor relabels a situation and
says "change back." we do it. Successful change may allow us to gain power over a system in which
involves going beyond this, by planning how to we have previously been caught. It also enables the
deal with the predictable reaction of the system to therapist to play "devil's advocate." The idea here
the initial effort. is that the coach challenges the client to concen-
trate on his or her own values and wishes rather
than remaining stuck and helpless about another
HUMOR
person's behavior, rejection, or definition of the
This intense and automatic reaction of the system relationship.
to maintain homeostasis and resist change has led
to the development of various direct and indirect
DETRIANGLING
strategies, including the ability to laugh at yourself
and gain a certain lightness with regard to your Detriangling is shifting the motion of a triangle
own emotional reactivity. Indeed, humor is one of and unlocking the compulsory loyalties so that
the most ways to detoxify a situation. Part

effective three dyadic relationships can emerge from the
of the very power of triangles, ruts, labels, and enmeshed threesome. Reversals use the recurring
rigid patterns is that we feel stuck and take the sit- pattern in the triangle but place the speaker in a dif-
uation too seriously. Surprise and gently humorous ferent position in it. For example, a son who has an
redefinition of a situation by the therapist may jos- enmeshed relationship w ith his mother and a dis-
tle that inflexibility in such a way that the chal- tant relationship with his father might begin to de-
lenge is softened. After a long story about mother's triangle by going to his father with the confidences
"unbelievable intrusiveness." tor instance, a coach his mother has inappropriately shared with him
might smile and ask. 'How come you don't appre- and say. "Mom seems terribly upset, and I'm sure
ciate her great love for you '.'" Or. as Bowen re- you will be able to help her out. I don't know why.
marked to a man who had had a lot of previous but she came to me with her worries and said...."'
therapy, describing having slept with his mother To prevent a two-step, the original plan would have
442 CHAPTER 26
to include a way to deal with mother's anger and these issues may promote healing and change. Tac-
sense of betrayal after father confronts her with the tics that stir up, without attacking, an emotional sys-
son's report. tem that is not currently in a state of tension are
A reversal is essentially an attempt to change a necessary because emotional patterns tend not to be
habitual pattern of relating by saying or doing the clear when the system is calm. The triangles and
opposite of what you usually say or do in response other dysfunctional patterns are dormant, available
to someone else. Although a client may at first call for use in the next family crisis.
this "lying," the reversal actually expresses the un- It might be necessary to activate a dormant tri-
spoken and unacknowledged other side of an issue angle, for example, if a son cannot move directly
and tends to break up rigid, predictable, repetitive toward his father without the father's withdrawing.
communication patterns. A wife who ordinarily In such a case, it may be necessary to talk to those
gets angry when her husband gets sick and calls people with whom the father has relationships,
him a hypochondriac reverses her pattern and perhaps the father's siblings or his parents. Such
plays Florence Nightingale; a man who usually moves can not only provide a wealth of informa-
can't talk to his father because he is so dictatorial tion and perspective on the father, but if carefully
asks for advice. selected bits of the information are told to the fa-
It is important to realize that strategies such as ther, it may also activate the triangle between the
reversals are not to be undertaken lightly. They father, his sibling, and their mother. Once the fa-
succeed only when the person doing them has the ther realizes that his brother is giving family infor-
emotional control to edit his or her feelings of hurt, mation, he may feel impelled to open up with his
anger, sarcasm, and vengeance out of the commu- side of the story. If the father felt like the outsider
nication and when it conveys a respect for the in the relationship with his mother and brother, he
other. Such techniques are not a substitute for. or is likely to fear being the outsider again if his own
part of, person-to-person intimacy. In disciplined child moves toward his brother. If the direct con-
hands, they can substitute for the destructive emo- tact with the uncle is not enough to create a shift,
tional games and repetitive interchanges that tend the son may want to raise a toxic issue with the un-
to be part of our relationships and thus reduce cle, on the theory that the uncle may then take a
some of the distance or repetitious conflict that different move with the father and thus open the
stands in the way of intimacy. system. If the system is very closed, the son may
have to magnify a small issue with the uncle to
push the system to react. It is important to distin-
guish such a push from destructive and hurtful
OPENING UP A CLOSED SYSTEM
threats or unleashed secrets.
In trying to open up important but buried issues.
there are several ways to proceed. Sometimes, it can
be done merely by contacting family members who
have been cut off from the family or by carefully
ENGAGEMENT AND SYSTEM MAPPING
raising emotionally loaded issues with various fam- Engagement consists of helping the client shift fo-
ily members. Amore complex operation for a sys- cus from the self or others to an overview of self-
tem that is not in current crisis is what Bowen called with-others. Coachees frequently portray them-
setting up "a tempest in a teapot": magnifying small selves as victim or rescuer, with very little attempt
emotional issues in such a way that old dormant tri- at objective, nonjudgmental reports of emotional
angles are activated and can be dealt within a new or behavioral transactions among family members.
manner. Family members may be stuck emotionally They also tend to accept uncritically the view of
in the same life cycle phase as when the family got the parent with whom they are aligned, failing to
derailed in previous generations, and opening up consider the subjectivity of each perspective.
At this stage, we find it useful to broaden the on relationships, and the transmission of relation-
perspective on the presenting problem or the central ship patterns from one generation to the next.
relationships by asking about similar issues at vari-
ous levels of the system, inquiring about various
members' views of central issues, and gradually in-
PLANNING: LEARNING ABOUT THE SYSTEM
troducing systems concepts such as triangles and au-
AND ONES OWN ROLE IN IT
tomatic reactive processes into the discussion. This
standard Bowen technique was subsequently rein- Planning is usually an indistinct continuation of the
vented and relabeled "circular questioning." What- initial stage of engagement; it is reached when the
ever you call it, it is a very useful way to interview coachee's anxiety has diminished to the point at
individuals. We have found it helpful to recommend which she or he can discuss how personal thoughts
systems readings including personal family stories, and feelings fit into family patterns and give some
to help orient clients to a family systems perspective. consideration to possible changes and their effects.
(See the bibliography at the end of this chapter.) She or he may ask, "Ifwere to try to get to know
I
The first real step in coaching is to ask the my father better, how would I go about it and how
person to draw a genogram (McGoldrick, 1995; would that help me with my current problem?" Un-
McGoldrick, Gerson, & Schellenberger, 1998), derstated questions from the coach that are de-
showing factual and relationship information for signed to elicit in detail the tone and history of this
the family over at least three generations —names, relationship and the main triangles in which it is
births, deaths, marriages, divorces, geographical embedded are better at this point than suggestions
location, and all significant physical, social, and for concrete actions, which may increase anxiety
psychological changes or dysfunction. Family his- again. However, gathering genogram information
tory is mapped through discussion of the geno- and the very process of looking at the family in this
gram, which should not be treated like a form to fill way shift the focus from guilt and blame to a more
out. Questions or comments that highlight the con- objective "researcher" position. As the coachee be-
nection between the presenting problem and the gins to observe and listen at a family gathering, in-
family system enhance the client's engagement. stead of participating as usual, shifts in thinking
We also ask for a family chronology, which is and relating may occur; these should be carefully
like a time map, as the genogram is a structure noted and incorporated in the planning.
map. It shows in chronological order the major Gaps genogram or family chronology
in the
family events and stresses and is especially useful are obvious places to start.The assumption is that
for understanding the motion of family patterns the more facts you know, the better position you are
over time and the intersection of the client's life in to evaluate what has happened in your family and
with these patterns. This is important because the thus to understand your own position and to change
connections among major family events tends to it if you wish. In terms of gaining a preliminary fo-
be obscured within a family by the anxiety these cus on the family patterns, for example, one could
events create. look at the similarity between the central triangles
During the initial phase of engagement and over three generations: self, mother, father, and
history taking, it is important to set a calm, matter- each parent with his or her parents; the effects of
of-fact tone to help defuse the intensity of emotion sibling position on the family process (McGoldrick,
aroused by a current crisis or by opening up anxi- 1989; 1995: Toman. 1976; Chapter 9) and trian-
ety-producing material. It is also useful to intro- gling in each generation: and the stress on the fam-
duce family systems concepts as soon as the ily at crucial points in the family history, such as
anxiety is low enough for them to be heard, includ- just before the marriage, and around the birth of
ing ideas about emotional interaction, reciprocity, each child. Other patterns that may be examined
triangles, changing self, effects of sibling position are the reciprocity in the marriages in the family:
444 CHAPTER 26
Who overfunctions and who underfunctions? Who that the person "let go of the rope" in this tug-of-
tends to move in and who tends to move out? What war so that the personal emotional issues can have
toxic issues in the family tend to be avoided? All of a chance to emerge. By this, we mean not only
these are of primary' importance. stopping the argument or cut-off but actually ac-
We favor holding off on concrete moves in a knowledging the parent's point of view in some
family at least long enough for the person to get a way so that the relationship can move on to more
general notion of how the emotional system oper- important personal matters.
ates, what the central issues are, and what the cli-
ent'sown agenda and motivations are. If one wants John Martin, a fourth-year medical student, sought
to make someone else happy, save someone, coaching with M. M. after hearing a lecture on sys-
change someone, tell someone off. get someone's tems ideas. He had been cut off from his father
approval, or justify and explain oneself, the effort since beginning medical school because his father,
will likely fail. In any case, it will not be worth the a widower who had recently remarried, had, unbe-
struggle, since either it will present no change or it knownst to John, taken all John's savings for med-
may even reverse positions, as when the victim be- ical school and used it for his own honeymoon.
comes the bully. John had been so outraged that he had refused to
speak to his father since that time but now felt
challenged and intrigued by the idea of bridging

REENTRY cut-offs.
John's mother had died of cancer when he was

The process of differentiating can be rather simply
16. leaving behind two younger children as well,
defined: It consists of developing personal and au- Peter (age 14) and Susan (age 12). John's father had
thentic relationships with each member of the fam- maintained great distance from all three children,
ily and changing one's part in the old repetitious, burying himself in his work and leaving them with
dysfunctional emotional patterns to the point at one housekeeper after another. John became the
which one is able to state, calmly and nonreac- functional parent to both younger siblings, went to
tively, one's personal view of important emotional the local state university, and worked hard each
issues, regardless of who is for or against such a summer, saving his money because his father had
told him that four years of college was all he could
view. It involves learning to see your parents as the
afford to pay for. He was totally shocked when he
human beings they are or were, rather than as your
went to take out money for his first medical school
"inadequate parents." This sounds so simple that it
payment to discover that his father had cleaned out
is difficult to convey the anxiety that is aroused at
the account for a honeymoon to Hawaii. He man-
each step of the way, even for the people who are aged somehow to begin medical school anyway,
most committed to the work. The first moves to be without missing a beat, and was now a fourth-year
recommended by the therapist will depend on what student. The coaching task was to help John see
kinds of relationships the client currently main- himself as powerful enough to forgive his father to
tains with family members and what objectives she set himself free. The therapist suggested that the fa-
or he has for changing these relationships. A rela- ther sounded like he was operating under the delu-
tionship that has been intense and conflictual will sion that he was the child and John the adult, or else
he would never have done such an absurd thing as

require a more gentle reapproach than one that is
to steal his son's money for his own enjoyment. It
characterized by distance.
was suggested that there seemed to be a grain of
If the person is involved in a conflictual win/
truth in this, since John had in fact managed much
lose relationship with a parent and the issue has
more successfully and maturely than the father for
been displaced onto some specific concrete explo- many years. It was suggested the possibility that he
sion, such as a falling out over some long-past in- could forgive his father and let him know that he
sult or onto some abstract issue such as religion or was looking for a connection and would welcome a
politics, we frequently recommend as a first step reconciliation because he needed a father and was
missing him. John rose to the occasion and wrote such as daily phone calls or weekly visits on a cer-
his father a most touching letter about his love for tain day. making contacts less ritualized and more
him, how much he missed his mother, how happy unpredictable.
he was for his father that he had found love again.
Such initial contact steps are usually followed
and his hopes for his brother and sister. His father's
up by brief visits, during which the person's main
response was positive, though not apologetic, and
task is to observe and listen to family interaction in
John felt, when seen later that year, that he had
a new way. This information is then incorporated
"gotten a father back."
into the further planning sessions, during which
tentative hypotheses are developed about the role
If someone has maintained routine, dutiful
the person plays in the family process and what
contact with the family through general letters
role he or she would like to have. Predictions are
addressed to both parents or phone conversations
made about the reactions of others to any changes
with only the mother, who acts as the central
in posture or behavior on his part.
sw itchboard relayer of family new s, the person is
The following sections discuss some typical
coached to establish direct contact w ith the father
triangles and coaching suggestions for various life
and other family members. This shift alone may
cycle phases.
bring manv buried issues to the surface.
Harold, a 40-year-old mechanic, described his THE SINGLE YOUNG ADULT

family as "friendly and close." He saw no con-
nection between the state of his family relation-
The basic triangle at this phase is usually with par-
ships and the problem for which he sought help: ents, though the presenting problem may be about
dealing with the effects of his wife's serious uncertainties in relationships with boyfriend or
physical illness. He called his mother weekly for girlfriend or anxiety about educational or occupa-
an exchange of general famih news. He saw his tional decisions. Asking the question "What do
father, brother, and sister at holiday get-togethers your parents think about this?" will usually elicit
a few times a year. Initially, he maintained that the problematic triangle.
he would have no difficulty talking directly with All theories of adult development, including
each family member would make no
but that it
ours, consider this to be the stage in which the
real difference. However, once he started to do it.
young person leaves childhood dependency be-
he found that he became intensely nervous after a
hind and moves out into his or her own life apart
few minutes of talk with his father, because he
from the family of origin. Nevertheless, this pro-
could find nothing to say. His brothers quickly
turned the phone over to their wives, and his sis-
cess is context bound and varies considerably, de-
ter responded to a letter from him with an angry pending on the larger society. Parents of 20-
attack about his having left responsibility for something adults are usual ly astounded to learn
their aging parents entirely to her. These re- that the average age of the signers of the U.S. Con-
sponses in himself and his family enabled him to stitution was about 25. But let us remember that
recognize that he had been emotionally pulling that was "middle age" in 1776.
away from his wife in her illness as he had pulled Closer to our own time, parents in their fifties
away from his family and their concerns. He em-
and sixties remember leaving the parental home
barked on restoring his family relationships with
shortly after high school or college to work and live
the initial motivation that they could offer each
on their own if they were male or to marry if they
other support.
were female. They think that something is wrong
with a son or daughter who remains or returns
If the person has a fused relationship w ith one home. Yet adult children are doing that in record
or both parents that is not overtly conflictual, a numbers, more males than females. They may
first step might be to break off routine patterns move out and then back again: they may move
—
446 CHAPTER 26
from job to job or be unable to find any suitable young adults together for coaching, there is almost
job; they may move in with a boyfriend or girl- always someone who begins to do the tasks with
friend; or they may go to graduate school through his or her family and reports progress and exhila-
their late twenties. Above all, they do not marry ration to the group, thereby inspiring others to try.
until much later in the decade. Parents often don't Therapists using this approach believe it to be the
realize that contemporary society, with its eco- method of choice for clients in their twenties.
nomic uncertainty, its requirement of protracted There is one big caveat. Coaching is not group
education and skill training, and the acceptability therapy. The pull of group process must be resisted
of late or no marriage or childbearing, tends to by the therapist, who should work with the clients
keep the young in an adolescent or barely post- one at a time in the group, limiting comment from
adolescent mode until they are in their thirties. the group regarding anyone else's work.
Financial dependence breeds emotional de- If a group is not available or feasible, we gener-
pendence, and the level of emotional dependency ally work with the young adult clients alone through
must be carefully assessed in planning the therapy the engagement and planning phases. However, if
of a single young adult. Certainly, emotional issues the client seems to be unwilling or unable to carry
with the family of origin are paramount, since the out tasks with his or her parents, we suggest bring-
basic task of this phase is good start on the
to get a ing one or both parents into the session and doing
process of differentiation. However, this can be a the tasks directly. It is made clear that the young
difficult idea for young Americans who imagine adult will have to take the lead in bringing up what-
that the past is unimportant and they can invent ever issue she or he has planned in a nonattacking,
themselves by willpower or through geography nondefensive way. This forestalls the experience we
moving far away from the family. have all had of young clients introducing their par-
A further complication at this stage is the ents to us and then sitting back and waiting for us to
widespread belief, shared by many therapists, that do the work for them. The therapist's role in this ses-
autonomy is the major goal and that autonomy sion is to monitor the traffic and block attacks or
means separateness. Emotional connectedness is counterattacks from anyone.
largely overlooked, if not openly rejected, although After a family session, the therapist can meet
it might be more tolerated for young females. It is again with the young adult alone for as many ses-
extremely important for clinicians to realize that sions as are needed to debrief and to absorb the les-
both autonomy and emotional connectedness are sons of the joint session and to plan for the next
necessary characteristics for maturity in both males issue or the next family member to be invited to a
and females and that autonomy does not mean be- session.
ing separate in the sense of being disconnected; it The positive aspect of this format is that it al-
means being self-directed, self-supporting, and able lows a young client to take personal responsibility
to choose and pursue one's course through life. and yet still feel supported as she or he learns to
Young women of recent generations have begun to speak about difficult issues with parents. It doesn't
insist on their right to autonomy, but few voices push the client back into an adolescent position,
clamor for men's right to learn the skills of connect- which would happen if all sessions were family
ing emotionally (Silverstein & Rauschbaum, 1994). sessions. It also demonstrates the importance of
Some young adults may be mature enough family emotional issues, which the young client
to be coached in the same way as other adults. might deny if all sessions were individual sessions.
For those who are not ready, there are useful
adaptations.
THE YOUNG COUPLE
We have found that coaching young adults in
groups is an excellent way to engage and motivate Typical triangles at this phase involve spouses and
them. When the therapist brings several single their in-laws; spouses and partners or friends from
previous days; and spouses and work, money, di\ i- in sessions may help to keep the whole family sys-
sion of labor, how to spend leisure time, etc. Cou- tem in everyone's mind.
ple problems in this life cycle phase as at other An important clinical question is asking how
phases typicallv lead back to each partner and his each member of the couple left home. Did they
or her family of origin. Couple problems are never leave in a calm, planned way and spend enough
solely dyadic problems. Conceptualizing and time alone to become a functioning self? Or did
treating them as such tend to intensify the couplers they explode out in conflict, distance themselves
negative fusion or lead to the wife's feeling more from the family, or marry immediately? Leaving
responsible for the problem. home is like a fingerprint or footprint, providing an
In coaching work with couples, it is usually indication of the degree of differentiation (i.e.. ma-
advantageous to see them together as each works turity i that each partner achieved personally before
on his or her own family. Seeing a spouse so viv- their coupling. Current relationships with parents
idly in the context of the family of origin and hear- also indicate the relationship issues that sooner or
ing the details of the spouse's socialization and later will play out in the couple relationship.
struggle to surmount the inevitable problems with Given the growing number of young couples
parents not only increase a partner's understanding who live together without marriage or before
and empathy toward the spouse, but also help sig- marriage, it is important to give some thought to
nificantly to diminish blame for current marital the clinical implications of this. When there is no
problems. If spouses are so locked in bitter conflict permanent commitment, couples therapy tends to
that they harden their hearts against the other's focus on superficial complaints and disappoint-
struggle, or if they use information revealed to but- ments or the argument about whether to marry or
tress their own accusations or interrupt with un- not.
helpful comments, then the spouses should be seen We believe that a couple's failure to make a
separately for coaching, in this or any phase of the public commitment to each other has meaning, and
life cycle. the therapy format should reflect the fact that they
As in the previous stage, the influence of is- are as much singles as they are a couple. We may
sues from the family of origin is extremely impor- set up a format whereby we see each partner indi-
tant but will tend to be minimized by the couple, vidually in succeeding weeks and then, in the third
who are usually focused on their disappointments week, see them as a couple. This gives ample space
with each other and may see family of origin work for each to consider calmly whether to stay in the
as irrelevant to their specific problems. relationship or leave and to work on their own part
With young couples, the therapist can alter- of the problem u ithout losing face. This also gives
nate the focus between their relationship and their the therapist an opportunity to try to engage each
families of origin in any given session. It is essen- partner in the family of origin work, which usually
tial that the therapist track the presenting com- reveals and helps to resolve the couple impasse, if
plaints through both families of origin early on to you can get them to do it.
provide evidence that connects the complaints to Because of its connection to power and to love,
longstanding family issues and triangles. It is not analyzing how a family deals with money is an im-
enough to point out these connections in one geno- portant issue in coaching. If a young person inr a
gram session. The therapist must refer to the con- traditional wife) has no access to the money nen.'-.
nections frequenth to expand the couple's focus sary for survival, he or she remains functionally de-
from themseKes. This process of making connec- pendent on others which will certainly affect his or
tions also tends to reduce blame as problems are her ability to freely disagree or differentiate from
expanded beyond the spouse's personal ill-will. those who control the means of survival. It is im-
Tacking a large genogram up in the therapy room portant to ask who
money; whether
controls the
or handing out copies of each partner's genogram there have been conflicts regarding wills; and
448 CHAPTER 26
whether the family believes in financially assisting and other typical triangles in coaching work,
grown children. which we will consider below.
The therapist should look for gender differ-
ences in handling money because if a husband con-

trols a couple's money, they will not be able to ne-
gotiate as equals. When a family business or a will Because of the major physical, social, and psy-
has left family money unequally divided among sib- chological changes that adolescents go through,
lings, relationships are likely to be impaired or even the most common triangles at this phase concern
cut off, often for generations. Coaching family mem- the adolescent and his or her peer group. Parents
bers about redoing such arrangements before they may become polarized in response to adolescent
happen or, if necessary, after they happen for the behavior, or adolescents may act out in response
benefit of their relationships may be the best way to parental triangles involving work, affairs, or
around such difficulties. grandparents.

Clients at this stage may present with marital
crises or concerns about adolescent acting out.
FAMILIES WITH YOUNG CHILDREN
Again, the acute crisis should be dealt with before
Typical triangles involve (1) each spouse and a full-scale coaching begins, but a carefully elabo-
child (or the children as a group); (2) either or both rated genogram will undoubtedly shed much light
spouses, a child, and a grandparent or grandpar- on the antecedents of the couple's or adolescent's
ents; (3) in-law triangles; (4) each spouse and the problems.
husband's work; or (5) each spouse and an affair. Parents at this phase of the life cycle, usually
This stage has a very high divorce rate. If the cou- in their forties, may be the most highly motivated
ple doesn't present with marital problems, the state coaching clients of all. They usually understand
of the marriage should be explored and evaluated quite well the importance of emotional connected-
in connection with any or all of the above triangles. ness to the family of origin and may feel guilty
If the presenting problem concerns a child, as themselves about their teenagers' problems. Their
it often does, it is important to attend to that prob- parents are getting older and perhaps ill, and they
lem to some degree before attempting to engage know that they don't have forever to resolve their
the parents in family of origin work. Once the cri- own issues with them.
sis has receded, both parents should be engaged in
coaching if possible. The motivation of clients in

THE COUPLE AT OR PAST
this stage of life is noticeably better than that in
THE LAUNCHING STAGE
previous stages. Becoming parents themselves
usually allows the younger generation finally to Couple problems at this stage usually reflect long-
see the relevance of family. Also, parents are often standing marital conflict or distance and are likely
willing to do things for the children that they find to be embedded in multiple interlocking triangles
too difficult to undertake for themselves. Although of the couple and their parents, siblings, children,
this motivation will need to shift to the self, doing work, affairs, or visions of the future.
it for the children's sake is a reason to begin. At the launching stage, the intergenerational
Including the couple's marital work, concerns balance of power and the relationship be-
shifts,
about children, and the families of origin of both tween parents and their launched or launching
spouses in the process of therapy requires therapist young adult children is no longer mostly in the
flexibility in shifting focus and the ability to keep hands of the parents. At this stage, coaching in-
track of the macro and micro levels (see Chapter 15). volves helping these parents deal with the in-
If the client is an unmarried or postdivorce creased independence of the generation below as
single parent, there are some special areas of focus well as the growing dependence of that above.
The parents of these parents are either elderly curtailing financial support, accepting the young
and quite possibly in failing health or they are al- adult's choices regarding work or mate, changing
ready deceased. Nevertheless, clients at this stage inputs into their lives from directive to suggestive,
of life can be rather easily engaged in discussion of maintaining a flexible pattern of visits and phone
the intergenerational issues. The usual objection to calls in both directions, and, most of all, being
actually raising difficult issues with their elderly willing to conduct open discussions, stripped of
parents is that they are '"too old" to be upset. Our the need to shield "the children" from the parents'
experience is that parents are never too old or even real concerns, and expressing interest but not intru-
too ill to benefit from whatever their adult children sion in their lives.
want to communicate, assuming that it is commu- Remembering the old adage "A son is a son
nicated in a nonattacking manner. After all, it is the till he gets him a wife, but a daughter's a daughter
elderly person's developmental task to bring clo- for all of her life," therapists should pay extra at-
sure to life's storms, and when the family system is tention to parents' expectations of and relation-
not too rigid, efforts by their adult children are usu- ships with their grown sons. This is especially
ally accepted in this framework. important for mothers of sons, whose relationships
We have encouraged midlife adults to speak to & Rausch-
are socially invalidated (Silverstein
dead parents at their gravesites; to write letters to baum, 1994). The older generation should be
dead parents; to say "I love you" or "I want to for- coached to avoid conflict with their children-in-
give you" to elderly parents who are drunk, law, to take up issues or problems that arise be-
drugged, or in a coma; or you
to say, "Tell me that tween families with their own child, and to give up
love me" to a senile parent. These dramatic moves blaming difficulties on the in-law. Needless to say,
are culminations of the work conducted in discus- "problem grandparenting" is something grandpar-
sion with surviving or unimpaired family members ents can be helped with in coaching and, if feasi-
who knew the parent and by genealogical explora- ble, in joint sessions with their adult child (initially
tion, which usually reveals issues, triangles, and without the child's spouse). At issue here are the
ghosts that shed light on current generations. unarticulated expectations of all concerned about
Even a formerly abusive, now ill elderly par- the proper degree of involvement of grandparents.
ent can be sent a letter about the abuse that is not These differences are usually quite negotiable
attacking: "I used to think I could never forgive once automatic reactivity is stopped.
you for the abuse, which had such a lasting nega- If grown children are involved in ongoing
tive impact on my life, but now I am trying to be- conflict with their parents, it is wise to suggest in-
lieve that these actions on your part were the result viting the younger generation to participate in ther-
of something terribly wrong in your own life. I apy, since they have most of the power. Since you
want to believe that you didn't mean harm me to
to will be seen as the parents' therapist, it is a good
such a degree, but that you were swept up in some idea to see the younger ones alone first to hear their
emotional storm that you didn't know how to con- uncensored version of events and them byto assure
trol." And The letter should be followed up

so on. word or deed of your generational neutrality. The
by a visit or phone call in which the topic is pur- best outcome would be for one or more of them to
sued, assuming always that the parent is not men- be willing to be coached so as to assume responsi-
tally ill or addicted. bility for their part of the problem and to use the
In terms of their own launched or launching power they have to restore the relationship.
young adults, parents should be coached to shift If members of the younger generation are al-
gears from "boss" to "fellow adult." Parents not ready in their own therapy and want the parents to
only need to let go. but also need to conduct their see their therapist, we agree to this as long as they
half of a changed adult-to-adult relationship with are seeing a family therapist. If they agree to join the
their grown children. This may mean ceasing or parents' therapy, we see the various individuals.
450 CHAPTER 26
couples, and generations both separately and to- because women live longer and because they never
gether, depending on issues and clinical timing. In give up their concern about relationships. If the
general, joint sessions accomplish less if neither family relationships are in poor shape or, in the
generation has been coached to present a changed case of older men. if they feel they didn't succeed
position, but they do provide the therapist with an at work, depression can be a problem. Men mellow
invaluable picture of the family's approach to han- as they age and as they leave their competitive
dling differences for evaluation purposes. struggles behind them. This natural process can
When grown children use extreme distance or make the most belligerent man into a more em-
cut-off to try to deal with parents, the latter can do pathic. relationship-oriented person. Consider the
a lot of wrong things but can't end the cut-off until remarkable turnaround of Governor George Wal-
the adult child is ready to do so. Helping parents to lace of Alabama; the deathbed apology of Lee At-
see the cut-off as multigenerational process instead water. the publicist who was responsible for the
of the child's personal meanness is a first step. racist "Willy Horton" political ads; the end-of-life
Then all the details of the issue that caused the fi- admission by French Premier Valery Giscard d'Es-
nal rupture must be discussed so that the therapist taing of his Nazi connections; and the apparently
can put himself or herself into the child's position agonizing quest by Robert McNamara, former
and guess his or her probable feelings and interpre- Secretary of Defense, for exculpation for his role
tations of parental words and actions. Finally, the in the Vietnam War.
parents should be coached to communicate care- We recommend encouraging the elderly in
fully worded messages to the child. Such letters their life review, urging them to approach the task
may convey a change of position or apology, if with compassion for self and to share their story
those seem appropriate, or may simply express the with family members. It is the family task at this
parents' desolation at the loss of contact. The ther- phase to care for the elderly and to receive their
apy consists largely of getting parents to the point of story and their wisdom. If family members don't
readiness to write such letters. Each parent should seem to be doing their part of the job. we recom-
write separately to eliminate the typical problem of mend getting in touch and, again, proceeding with
their presenting themselves and being reacted to as both individual and joint sessions as needed,
a unit instead of as two separate people. coaching both generations to resolve their issues
with the other.
ELDERLY CLIENTS
The most common triangles at this phase are be- COACHING SINGLE PARENTS
tween the elderly couple and a middle-aged child;
Never-Married Single Parents
an elderly woman, her daughter, and her grand-
child: or an elderly parent, his or her doctor, and The most common triangles involve a single
the middle-aged children. mother, her child, and her parents or the mother,
In private practice, we are more likely to hear her child, and the child's father.
about than to meet elderly parents or grandparents. With such clients, it is important to learn the
However, they should always be present in the client's family's reaction to the unmarried parent-
genogram in the therapist's mind, because they are hood. A woman's unmarried pregnancy carries
often the key to nodal events of the past, as well as more stigma than a single-parent adoption, al-
the gateway to change for the next generation, as though concerns will also exist about that situation
described in the previous section. because of our society's devotion to the traditional
Many therapists do direct clinical work with family as the "correct" one. It is extremely impor-
the elderly through agency outreach or in nursing tant in this, as in any other controversial situation,
homes. The majority of such clients are women. that the client understand and accept her parents'
disapproval as almost inevitable in our society be- hasn't), coaching can help either parent to undo his
fore she initiates conversation with them about it. or her part in the ensuing conflict or cut-off with
In all situations that invoke strong parental the ex-spouse. To rework the relationship of the
disapproval, it is necessary to coach the client, first ex-spouses into one of co-parental cooperation, the
to try to understand the source of the disapproval client must be helped to stop blaming the divorce
apart from parental ill will and second to realize or failed marriage on the ex-spouse and examine
that to become a mature adult, it is necessary to closely his or her own role, however large or small,
give up the need for parental approval, although in the debacle. This is the work of the "emotional
most people never give up wanting it. divorce," which requires giving up as finished the
In addition to coaching single parents in the hopes and dreams invested in the marriage, and re-
context of their families of origin, it is extremely investing in one's own future course (see Chapter
important to coach them toward joining a mean- 22).
ingful community. An isolated parent and child are The clinician must, of course, also track the is-
at risk; a single parent and child connected to a sues of the failed marriage and divorce in relation
caring group at church or temple, or a close-knit to the extended family from very early in therapy.
group of friends, can be expected to thrive. And early on, the client is coached to discuss the
divorce in some meaningful way with parents and
to deal with their reactions to the divorce.
Divorcing and Postdivorce Parents
As the current struggle with the ex-spouse or
The most common triangles involve divorced or focus on adaptation to postdivorce realities recedes
divorcing spouses and each of their children; a di- to the point at which something other than the di-
vorced spouse, his or her children, and the parents vorce can be attended to, coaching shifts to other
and family of the ex-spouse; the divorced spouses multigenerational themes, issues, and triangles.
and a new love interest of either; or the interlock- And at the stage at which the client is able to look
ing triangles of a divorced spouse, the ex-spouse, to the future, the coaching becomes like a resocial-
the new love interest, and the children. ization process, helping men to develop relation-
At the time of divorce, coaching can play an ship skills they need and women the autonomy and
invaluable role in the current situation: self-sufficiency they will need.
At the close of this work, the client should be
1. See each parent separately if possible, and
free to have a cooperative co-parental relationship
coach each to minimize destructive, vengeance-
with the ex-spouse (assuming that the ex-spouse is
seeking behavior. If only one parent will come to
sane and not violent or addicted). The client should
coaching, help that one to understand the rewards to
also feel free to pursue a single life until such time
self and children of "unilateral disarmament.'* refus-
as he or she may choose to remarry, and then with
ing to respond in kind to the partner's provocations.
the expectation of a different kind of marriage.
2. Help each or either parent to understand the
importance of keeping the children out of the battle.
3. Focus on money and financial matters with COACHING REMARRIED FAMILY MEMBERS
the wife, helping her to plan a return to work if
In addition to tracking the issues in the family of
necessary or feasible.
origin of a spouse in a remarried family, it is nec-
4. Focus on the children with the husband, help-
essary to get information on the family of the ex-
ing him to gain the skills necessary to conduct his
spouse or the deceased spouse. It is also important
own relationship with his children, and to abide by
to get the details of the divorce or the death to de-
his financial commitments to them.
termine whether they were handled adequately or
If the divorce is in the past and most of the are unresolved and intruding into the current fam-
above has not occurred smoothly (and it usually ily. If they are unresolved, the client should be
452 CHAPTER 26
coached to redo the mourning or the emotional di- change. The difficulties of changing in the face of
vorce. In either case, it is important to include the social obstacles and stigma should not be attrib-
second spouse in the sessions in which a client is uted to lack of client motivation or maturity.
being coached to resolve the death or the divorce.
If left out of these sessions, the second spouse has
a tendency to become paranoid, wondering
GUIDELINES FOR THE THERAPIST
whether the therapy will undermine the second
marriage. When included, the second spouse tends 1. Expect intense resistance to the idea of deal-
to become a staunch ally of the therapist, under- ing with parents and family in real life instead of
standing that unresolved issues from a first mar- complaining in private to an understanding thera-
riage take up emotional space in the present. pist. Discuss the advantages for the client in doing
Both the biological parent and the stepparent so. Suggest readings and tell stories of colleagues'
usually need help in distinguishing their roles (see and other clients' success and satisfaction, includ-
Chapter 25). If the stepparent and stepchildren are ing personal stories, when clinically appropriate
in an uproar, with the biological parent caught in (see bibliography below).
the middle, direct coaching of the couple to detri- 2. When the anxiety level is low, educate the
angle will be necessary. client in the major elements of systems theory. In
Special attention should be given to the situa- addition to material written for the general public,
tion of the stepmother in a remarried family, since clients also benefit from reading various profes-
she is usually in the most vulnerable position. sional books and chapters written for therapists,
Coaching in the families of origin helps to if the material relates to the client's specific
strengthen both partners for a most complex fam- problems or circumstances, or to the client's eth-
ily situation. It is also important to coach a biolog- nicity, race, gender, class, sexual orientation, or
ical parent to maintain contact with the family of culture.

the deceased or divorced spouse, since these are 3. Advise the client to expect a surge of anxiety
the children's grandparents. symptoms with each new move, and normalize
this. We sometimes ask what symptoms the client
experienced during adolescence as a way of indi-

cating the intensity of the emotional reactions that
COACHING MINORITY-GROUP CLIENTS
are ahead.
All clients have very specific issues and triangles 4. Once the client has agreed to work, emphasize
related to their stage of the family life cycle and to the need for planned, not reactive or impulsive,
the particular history and circumstances of their moves in the family system.
families of origin. Additionally, most problematic 5. Resist the pull to see the individual as the unit
issues and triangles in minority-group families will of dysfunction or treatment. Resist the pull to ac-
be directly related to their lack of power and stig- cept the client's descriptions of family members
matized status in the larger society. The most im- and their motivations as "truth." Keep the multi-
portant clinical intervention is to help family generational family and its cultural context in
members to get on the same side against the social mind as the client speaks. Put yourself mentally in
problem instead of letting it divide them. It is es- the position of family members the client is com-
sential to evaluate carefully the consequences for plaining about. And be aware of your own family
such clients of changing their role in any system, issues.
emotional or social, and to incorporate these cave- 6. Be prepared to help the client prioritize and
ats in the planning. It is very important that the strategize throughout the work. Keep in mind the
therapist understand that disadvantaged social sta- gender, racial, and cultural context of the client and
tus reduces the options available for personal family when making suggestions.
7. Remember that a coach also cheers from the the other therapy is completed. Also, consider that
sidelines and pro\ides encouragement and appre- if the client is paying more for the other therapy
ciation. This is not the same as emotional support, (because of more frequent sessions or a higher
approval, reassurance, or pity, all of which are con- fee), then he or she is likely to be more influenced
descending and disabling to the client. The thera- bj that relationship.
pist should convey the belief that the client can 10. Resist the client's tendency, especially if he or
deal with his or her own family. If there are excep- she has been in psychodynamically oriented ther-
tional circumstances to the contrary, the client apy, to try to make you the "good parent" or inten-
shouldn't be in the coaching format. sity the emotional climate between you and the
8. Remember that if you haven't worked on dif- client. Explain openly coaching therapy's different
ferentiating yourself in your own family, you will rules.
probably be prone to misjudge the intensity of sys- 11. If the client is of a different race. ethnicitv reli-
temic reaction to your client's moves and also gion, gender, sexual orientation, or social class, you
prone to accept the client's resistance. For work have a responsiblity to educate yourself about the is-
that is beyond the initial reconnecting or reduction sues involved for that client (McGoldrick. 1998:
of conflict, you may want to refer the client to an Laird & Green. 1996: McGoldrick. Giordano &
experienced coach. You might also consider work- Pearce. 1996: Walters. Carter. Papp & Silverstein.
ing in your own family. 1988).
9. When the client is concurrent!) in another 12. If your personal or religious beliefs or your
type of therapy, remember that "too many cooks emotional reactivity do not permit you to have an
spoil the broth." especially if the other therapist understanding position regarding any client's is-
appears to be having a real impact on the client. sues or status. \ ou have a responsibility to refer the
Suggest that the client put one of you on hold until client to a therapist who does.
REFERENCES AND SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY

Bow en. M. (1978a). On the differentiation of self. In Laird. J.. & Green. R. J. (Eds.). ( 1996). Lesbians and gays
M. Bowen. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice in couples and families. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
(pp. 467-528). New York: Jason Aronson. McGoldrick. M. 1 1989). Sisters. In M. McGoldrick. C.
Bowen. M. 1978b). Family therapy
( in clinical practice. .Anderson. & F. Walsh (Eds.). Women in families.
New York: Jason .Aronson. New York: Norton.

Carter. E. A.. & McGoldrick Orfanidis. M. 1976). Fam- ( McGoldrick M. (1995). You can go home again: Recon-
ily therapy with one person and the family ther- necting with your family. New York: Norton.
apist's own family. In P. J. Guerin (Ed.i. Family McGoldrick. M. (1998). Belonging and liberation: Find-
Therapy (pp. 183-219). New York: Gardner. ing a place called "home." In M. McGoldrick (Ed.).
Chodron. P.. & hooks, b. (1997. Junei. Beyond right or Re\isioning Family therapy: Culture. Class. Race,
wrong: A conversation between Pema Chodron and and Gender (pp. 215-228). New York: The Guil-
bell hooks. Tlie Sun. 258. pp. 11-14. ford Press.
Goleman. D. (1997). Emotional intelligence. New York: McGoldrick. M.. & Gerson. R. (1995). Genograms in
Bantam. family assessment. New York: Norton

Guerin. P.. Fogarty, T.. Fay. L.. & Kautto. J. G. 1 1996). McGoldrick. M. Gerson, R... & Schellenberger. S.
Working with relationship triangles: The one- (1998). Genograms in family assessment (2nd ed.).
two-three of psychotherapy. New York: Guilford New York: Norton.

Press. McGoldrick. M.. Giordano. J.. & Pearce. J. K. (1996).
Kerr. M.. & Bowen. M. ( 1988). Family evaluation: The Ethnicity and family therapy (2nd ed.). New York:
role of the family as an emotional unit that governs The Guilford Press.
individual behavior and development. New York: Papero. D. ( 1990). Bowen family systems theory. Boston:
Norton. Allyn & Bacon.

454 CHAPTER 26
Silverstein, O.. & Rauschbaum, B. (1994). The courage McGoldrick (Ed.) Revisioning family therapy. New
good men. New York: Viking.
to raise York: The Guilford Press.
Szaporcznik, J., Kurtines, W. M., Foote, F. H., Perez- Pinderhughes, E. (1998). Black genealogy revisited. In
Vidal, A., & Harvis, O. (1983). Conjoint versus M. McGoldrick (Ed.) Revisioning family therapy.
one-person family therapy: Some evidence for the New York: The Guilford Press.
effectiveness of conducting family therapy through
one person. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psy- Family Systems Readings for Clients
chology, 51, 889-899.
Ahrons, C. ( 1994). The good divorce. New York: Harper-
Titleman, P. (1987). The therapist's own family. New
Collins.
York: Jason Aronson.
Bepko, C. S.. & Krestan, J. (1985). The responsibility
Toman, W. (1976). Family constellation (3rd ed.). New
trap. New York: The Free Press.
York: Springer.
Carter, B., & Peters, J. (1996). Love, honor and negotiate.
Walters, M.. Carter, B., Papp. P., & Silverstein. O. ( 1988).
New York: Pocketbooks.
The invisible web: Gender patterns in family rela-
Imber-Black, E., & Roberts J. (1992). Rituals for our
tionships. New York: The Guilford Press.
times. New York: HarperCollins.
Imber-Black. E. ( 1 998 ). The secret life offamilies. New
The Family Therapist's Own Family Stories
York: Bantam Books.
Bowen, M. (1978). On the differentiation of self. In Lerner, H. G. (1985). The dance of anger. New York:
M. Bowen, Family therapy in clinical practice Harper & Row.
(pp. 467-528). New York: Jason Aronson. Lerner, H. G. (1989). The dance of intimacy. New York:
Carter, B. (1991 ). Death in the therapist's own family. In Harper & Row.
M. McGoldrick, C. Anderson, & F. Walsh (Eds.) Lerner, H. G. (1993). 77ie dance of deception. New York:
Living beyond loss. New York: Norton. HarperCollins.
Colon, F (1998). The discovery of my multicultural Lerner, H. G. (1998). The mother dance. New York:
identity. In M. McGoldrick (Ed.) Revisioning family HarperCollins.
therapy. New York: The Guilford Press. McGoldrick, M. (1995). You can go home again. New
Folwarski, J. (1998). No longer an orphan in history. In York: Norton.
M. McGoldrick (Ed.) Revisioning family therapy Rosen, E. J. (1998). Families facing death. New York:
(pp. 239-252). New York: The Guilford Press. Lexington Books.
Friedman, E. H. (1987). The birthday party revisited. In Schwartzberg, N., Berliner, K., & Jacob, D. (1995). Sin-
P. Titleman (Ed. ) The therapist 's own family. New gle in a married world. New York: Norton.
York: Aronson. Silverstein, O., & Rauschbaum. B. (1994). 77?^ courage
Hall, C. M. (1987). Efforts to differentiate a self in my to raise good men. New York: Viking.
family of origin. In P. Titleman (Ed.) The therapist's Taffel. R. (1994). Why parents disagree. New York:
own family. New York: Aronson. Morrow.
Maboubi, J., & Searcy, A. (1998). Racial unity from the Walsh, F, & McGoldrick, M. (Eds.). (1991). Living be-
perspective of personal family history. In M. yond loss. New York: Norton.

Chapter 27
ALCOHOL PROBLEMS AND THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
JACQUELINE HUDAK
JO ANN KRESTAN
CLAUDIA BEPKO
Conservative figures estimate that 14 million cle phases, contributes to solidifying the denial
Americans are alcoholic. Every alcoholic directly system. Denial becomes a defense against ac-
affects the lives of at least four to five other people. knowledging the increasing loss of control that
Half of those who receive treatment will relapse in typically occurs, on both emotional and functional
two to four years. In 1991. drinking was a factor levels. Denial may be considered one of the major
in over 17,000 fatal automobile accidents and symptoms of the alcoholism itself and may extend
197.000 injury crashes. Traffic accidents are the to denial of both the problematic drinking and the
greatest single cause of death for every age be- impact of that drinking on other family members
tween 6 and 33. Alcohol is involved in nearly half (Vaillant, 1983). If the clinician is in denial about
of these (Eigen, 1992). Alcohol and other drugs are alcohol issues in his or her own life, it may be dif-
associated with up to 50 percent of spousal abuse ficult to address this issue with a family. Often, the
cases, 68 percent of manslaughter charges, and 52 family therapist will need partnership and consul-
percent of rapes (Center for Substance Abuse Pre- tation with an addiction professional.
vention (CSAP) 1994). Given the sobering reali-
ties of the effects of alcohol in our culture,
ADDICTION IN CONTEXT
clinicians have been advised to assume the exist-
ence of an alcohol problem in a family until thor- Alcoholism is hard to define. On any given day,
ough assessment proves otherwise (Bepko & we are besieged with different messages about al-
Krestan, 1985). cohol use and addiction in our culture. The debate
Working with families that are affected by al- continues about the medical use of marijuana, a
coholism presents special challenges to the family young college freshman dies from alcohol poison-
The work is often confrontative, with cli-
therapist. ing, a woman is arrested for public drunkeness
ents embedded in strong denial systems. Families while pregnant, and crack-addicted babies are
often do not see the presenting problem as being abandoned in hospitals nationwide. We cannot de-
related to drinking behavior. It is the clinician's cide as a culture whether to treat or incarcerate
task to rule this out. The ability to see the alcohol- drug addicts. Yet the media tout the many wonders
ism is an important issue. The fact that alcohol make you feel cool, sexy,
of the substance that can
consumption is sanctioned in our culture, is indeed The images are everywhere
or like a "real man."
considered a rite of passage during certain life cy- and convey messages about fun, belonging, and
achievement. In so many ways, our society pro-
Jacqueline Hudak would like to dedicate this chapter to her sis-

motes the use of alcohol, yet it cannot contend
ter Peggy on the occasion of her tenth sober birthday. with the consequences.
455
456 CHAPTER 27
Zinberg and Bean ( 1 98 1 ) urged clinicians to to reserve discussions of definitions and disease
develop a more comprehensive definition of alco- for colleagues.
hol addiction that specified the relationship of the

alcoholic to his or her social context. This compre-
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE: A LONG-TERM
hensive model would recognize that it is the soci-
PERSPECTIVE ON ALCOHOL USE
ety that defines and labels the phenomenon of
addiction and the culture that contributes to its de- Most studies of alcoholism capture the characteris-
velopment or inhibition. Thus, what is considered tics of the alcoholic at certain points in their lives
alcoholism, or even problem drinking, can vary but reveal little about how they got to that point or
from one culture or ethnic group to another, as well what will happen thereafter. In The Natural His-
as from one period of history to another. tory of Alcoholism Revisited, Vaillant (1995) ad-
In this chapter, we will address alcohol prob- dresses this issue in a longitudinal study of 600
lems through the family life cycle. Although we men. Although the sample is limited in terms of
focus primarily upon alcohol as a psychoactive gender and race, it does provide a way to think
substance, it should be noted that different cultural about the illness over the course of the life cycle.
groups use different drugs. Indeed one's substance Alcoholism has been viewed as a progressive
of choice is closely tied to one's race, gender, sex- disease, proceeding from stage to stage in fixed se-
ual orientation, and class. For example, while alco- quence, and ending in either abstinence or death.
holism rates for men of color may be lower than Using the data from his study, Valliant (1995) sug-
those for White men at various life cycle stages, gests that the course of alcoholism can be viewed
the rates of cocaine addiction may be quite high. It as generally comprising of three linked stages:
is not within the scope of this chapter to address all
mood-altering substances for all groups, but it is The first stage is heavy "social" drinking—frequent
important not to obscure the larger picture. There ingestion of Wo to three ounces of ethanol a day
(three to five drinks) for several years. This stage
is perhaps no disorder more a product of its social
can continue asymptomatically for a lifetime; or
setting than addiction to mood-altering drugs.
because of a change of circumstances or peer
The lack of a universally agreed-upon defini-
group it can reverse to a more moderate pattern of
tion of alcoholism complicates clinical assessment
drinking; or it can "progress" into a pattern of al-
and frequently results in misdiagnosis of or failure and
cohol abuse (multiple medical, legal, social
to identify addiction in families. We have found it
occupatiorud complications) usually associated with
useful to consider alcoholism within the context of frequent ingestion of more than four ounces of eth-
disease and view it as a true biopsychosocial ill- anol (eight or more drinks) a day. At some point in
ness, since physiological, psychological, and so- perhaps 10-15 percent of American
their lives,
cial factors all contribute to one's vulnerability. In men reach this second stage. Perhaps half of such
this chapter, we use the National Council on Alco- alcohol abusers either return to asymptomatic
holism's definition of alcoholism: "The person (controlled) drinking or achieve stable abstinence.
In a small number of such cases... the alcohol
with alcoholism cannot consistently predict on any
abuse can persist intermittently for decades with
drinking occasion the duration of the episode or
minor morbidity and even become milder with
the quantity that will be consumed." (The National
time. Perhaps a quarter of all cases of alcohol
Council on Alcoholism, 1976).
abuse. . . will lead to chronic alcohol dependence,
The clinician should be aware that an alco- withdrawal symptoms, and the eventual need for
holic likes almost nothing better than to argue detoxification, (p. 379)
about definitions of alcoholism rather than stop
drinking. This relates to the denial embedded in For the majority of alcoholics, the journey
our cultural thinking about alcoholism as well as from the first drink to an inability to control one's
the alcoholic's personal denial. It is wise, however, consumption is a process of habit formation that
ALCOHOL PROBLEMS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 457
takes from five to thirty years. Indeed, for some, al- without using the often recited Lord's Prayer in
cohol abuse can be a lifelong career. However, the meetings. However, the effectiveness of AA and Al
degree to which one's social environment accepts Anon programs and their availability at no cost in
or denies alcohol abuse is an important determi- virtually every city in the United States and every
nant in helping someone to realize that his or her country worldwide are indisputable. We encourage
drinking is out of control. clinicians to talk with clients and to help them work
Vaillant cites four components as essential in through real issues about the content of these pro-
treating alcoholism: t 1 i offering the patient a grams while blocking any attempts to turn these is-
nonchemical substitute dependency for alcohol. sues into excuses not to attend meetings.
(2) reminding the patient ritually that even one drink Other groups that are gaining recognition
can lead to pain and relapse. 3 repairing the social < ) include the the Rational Recovery Movement
and medical damage that the patient has experi- (Tnmpey. 1996) and Recovery in Moderation
enced, and (4) restoring the patient's self-esteem. (Kishline. 1996).
Self-help groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous
(AAi. offer the simplest wa\ to provide the alco-
BIAS AGAINST THE ALCOHOLIC
holic with these four components. In Vallaint's
study, more recovered alcoholics began stable ab- It is important to note that despite the gains made in
stinence while attending AA than while attending defining and treating alcoholism, alcoholics and ad-
alcohol treatment centers. dicts continue to be viewed as too morally deficient
or weak to stop using alcohol. The medical profes-

sion, the gatekeeper to medical services to this pop-
SELF-HELP GROUPS
ulation, has been found to harbor a strong bias in
Sensitivity to context is important in referring to this area. A panel of experts found that most doctors
AA or related groups for families of alcoholics, do not try to identify severe alcohol and drug habits.
such as Al Anon. Concepts of AA and Al Anon When doctors do find evidence of dependency, they
need to be adapted for different groups. For exam- do not know how to respond. Doctors tend to view
ple, the concept of powerlessness is central to such alcohol problems as the result of personal shortcom-
recovery programs. In AA, powerlessness refers to ings. The medical profession tends to hold doctors
the alcoholic's lack of control over the amount of who treat these patients in low esteem. Clinicians
alcohol she or he drinks. Feminists believe that the need to be sensitive to the stigma that still exists
term "powerlessness" undermines the very em- about women who abuse substances and are thus
powerment that women and other disenfranchised viewed as "out of control." Women's addictions
groups need. Therefore, many recovering women tend to remain hidden, unlike those of male addicts,
use the term "surrender." The shift in one's belief whose arena for drinking and drug use is much more
system about powerlessness and the shame that is social and external. Women's shame about addictive
attached to it is, we believe, critical to sustained so- behavior is more intense than that of men and is a
briety itself. major block to their seeking treatment. Another sig-
Another term that is central to the AA pro- nificant obstacle is inadequate family support and
gram is "Higher Power." The confusion about this lack of child care.
term continues to plague AA's attempt to encour- Class and racial status also affects attitudes to-
age a spiritual component to one's recovery from ward female substance abusers. Women of color
alcoholism. The often sexist and noninclusive lan- who are poor are much more likely to be indicted
guage of such programs can also be offensive to by the legal system for the use of alcohol and drugs
clients. The recovering Jewish community has es- during pregnancy than are White, upper-class
tablished Jewish Alcoholics and Chemically De- women according to the Center for Reproductive
pendent (JACS). which borrows many AA tenets Law and Policy.
458 CHAPTER 27
Women are still overmedicated in this culture, lems, household density, and socioeconomic status
and many women become addicted to drugs that were all found to affect the development of alco-
are prescribed by doctors, who are often unaware holism in this population (Herd, 1990). Black and
of the women's alcohol use. It is chilling to note White men tend to have similar drinking patterns,
that 82 percent of prescriptions for antidepressants although Black men have higher abstention rates
are written for women (Lerner, 1997). than Whites (Grant et The same pattern
al., 1991).
Women substance abusers are more likely was found with women. Heavy drinking peaked
than men to have grown up in families disrupted by among younger Whites and decreased with age.
divorce, death, or other trauma. Nearly 70 percent Heavy drinking among Blacks peaked in middle
of women substance abusers in treatment were age before decreasing in later life. Young Blacks
sexually abused as children (CASA, 1996). Al- may be more likely to abuse illicit drugs. Among
most as high a percentage suffer from correspond- the population age 35 and older. Blacks were more
ing eating disorders. Addicted women tend to likely than Whites or Hispanics to use illicit drugs.
suffer high rates of depression and are viewed as Black women are more likely than women in any
sicker than male addicts (Forth-Finnegan, 1991). other racial/ethnic group to have used crack co-
Substance abuse among women is often a re- caine (National Institute on Drug Abuse, 1990).
sponse to oppressive role expectations and class The link to institutionalized racism and poverty for
constraints and to the ongoing devalued status of this group must be studied further, as well as the
women in this culture. A whole self-help industry propensity to incarcerate rather than offer drug
has evolved around designating women who relate treatment. The lack of access to treatment facilities
to addictive family members as "co-dependent." is a well-known impediment to recovery for these
another form of cultural blaming of women families.
(Krestan & Bepko. 1991). Yet statistics show that Latino males are more likely to experience
men are more likely to leave alcoholic women than drinking problems than African American or white
women are to leave alcoholic men and that a female males (Caetano, 1989). They seem especially sus-
spouse is much more likely to participate in a hus- ceptible to alcohol-related violence (Goodman.
band's treatment than he in hers. Women at either Istre. Jordan. Herndon. & Kelaghan, 1991). His-
extreme of the life cycle, in adolescence and later panic men drink more than Hispanic women.
life, are most likely to go untreated for addiction. Drinking increases with income and education for
both sexes (Caetano, 1989). Alcoholism among
Hispanic men peaked at ages 30 to 44. Among
THE IMPACT OF RACE AND CULTURE
Hispanic women, it peaked at ages 18 to 29, with
Drugs depend both for their desirability and for a progressive decrease thereafter (Committee on
their effect on the environment in which they are Cultural Psychiatry, 1996).
taken. Although this chapter deals primarily with The rates of alcoholism for the Native Ameri-
alcohol problems, we should not obscure the fact can Indian population can be understood only in
that for certain populations, alcohol use may be the context of annihilation imposed by those who
low at points in the life cycle, but use of illicit sought to eradicate their very culture and traditions
drugs may be high. Some cultures have a height- (Tafoya & Del Vecchio. 1996). The death rate from
ened physical vulnerability to addiction, and fur- alcoholism among American Indians and Alaska
ther information is useful in helping the clinician Natives is 5.4 times higher than the U.S. death rate
to think about the issue for various ethnicities for all races (Indian Health Service. 1992).
across the life cycle. Drinking among Blacks has Vaillant (1995) demonstrates further the dra-
sometimes been characterized as representing two matic effect of parental and cultural background
extremes: abstinence and abuse (Herd. 1990). on lifetime patterns of alcohol use. Men whose
Church attendance, family history of alcohol prob- parents had grown up in Mediterranean cultures
were far less likely to develop alcohol dependence. sect to become a context in which a life cycle
Italian culture permits childhood drinking but for- assessment must take place. Two interacting se-
bids drunkenness and encourages drinking low- quences occur simultaneously: the progression of
proof alcohol with food in the presence of family the alcoholism within the individual and the devel-
members. Valliant contrasted this with the Irish, opmental progression within the family itself. Al-
who prefer drinking in pubs, where alcohol intake coholism both influences and is influenced by the
is separated from the family and from food intake. movement through the family life cycle. For ex-
The Irish forbid their youths to learn how to drink ample, alcoholism can emerge as a response to
but praise men who consume large quantities of launching a child, or a child may be delayed or dis-
high-proof alcohol. rupted as a result of alcoholism. The role of the
family therapist before the addicted family mem-
ber gets sober is to encourage entrance into AA.
ADDICTION: STAGING AND LIFE CYCLE
Intervening with the family of the alcoholic, with-
ISSUES IN ASSESSMENT
out the alcoholic's even entering therapy, is often
The presence of addiction in a family — in what- highly effective and can be supported by referral to
ever generation —complicates differentiation for Al Anon.
all family members. Family boundaries are often Over time, alcoholism distorts patterns of be-
too rigid or too diffuse; roles are frequently re- havior and communication within the family sys-
versed or otherwise inappropriate, and triangles tem and affects all family members. Treatment of
are activated and shift, depending on whether the other family problems may stop or alleviate the
alcoholic is drinking. At advanced stages of alco- drinking behavior in some families, in which the
holism, families tend to be cut off, and isolation drinking is more situational: but when it has be-
from both the extended family and the community come an addiction, it assumes such central impor-
are prevalent. The alcoholism is frequently a se- tance that it becomes the fulcrum of interactional
cret, as are violence, incest, and other potential sequences. In such cases, abstinence from drinking
complications of the alcohol. is a necessary, although insufficient, goal. The dis-
Family assessment should include standard torted patterns of behavior and communication
questions about the drug and alcohol use of all must also be treated if abstinence is to be main-
family members, including grandparents, aunts tained. Historically, these families have been re-
and uncles, and extended-family members. How- ferred to as "alcoholic systems" (Steinglass, 1987).
ever, the most revealing question to ask may be Such families become organized around the alco-
"How much pain has been caused by the drink- hol, and change must address these patterns to
ing?" Alcohol problems at any point within at least build on the family's strengths, resiliency, and cop-
a three-generation time frame of the family pre- ing mechanisms (Berenson, 1976).
senting for treatment significantly affect behav-
ioral and emotional patterns evolving within the
THE FAMILY WITH ADOLESCENTS
family. Symptoms such as disturbances in job per-
formance, marital conflict and infidelity, problems The intensely demanding nature of adolescent be-
in children's school functioning, depression, social havior and the emergence of separateness and dif-
isolation, abuse of prescription drugs, or a host of ference in families all serve to make adolescence
physical disorders may follow from alcohol prob- a tumultuous time for families. Issues around re-
lems Young adults presenting typical problems of sponse to authority, autonomy, and sexuality begin
separation may be reflecting the influence an alco- to dominate family life during this phase.
holic grandparent has had on family interactions. Recent survey data reveals that the age at
The family's developmental stage and the pro- which children are beginning to smoke cigarettes
gression of the disease within the individual inter- daily, drink alcohol, and use marijuana and other
—
460 CHAPTER 27
illegal drugs, including cocaine and hallucinogens Ultimate treatment depends on the parents' level
such as LSD, is the youngest ever (CASA, 1997). of denial, the solutions that were previously at-
The percentage of 1 2-year-olds who have a friend tempted, and the consequences already suffered by
or classmate who has used illegal drugs such as the adolescent as a result of the addiction. Family
acid, heroin, or cocaine jumped by 122 percent therapists must help the parents to decide when
from 1996 to 1997. For all teens age 12 to 17, there to back off to leave the responsibility for conse-
was an increase of 44 percent from 1996 to 1997. quences of drinking to the adolescent and when to
Among 12- to 17-year-olds with no other take responsibility themselves for the adolescent's
problem behaviors, those who used three "gate- abuse, including forcing him or her into in-patient
way" drugs (cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana) in treatment.
the past month were almost 17 times likelier to use The recovery process is much more complex
another drug such as cocaine, heroin, or acid if one or both parents are also addicted. The clini-
boys more than girls (CASA, 1997). Many baby cian must then assess which family member has
boomer parents appear to be resigned to such the least amount of denial about the problem. If so-
widespread drug use by their teens. Forty-six per- briety is not achieved at this phase of the life cycle,
cent expect their teens to try illegal drugs. And 65 the consequences are serious. As the disease
percent of boomer parents who regularly used progresses, the addict will function less and less.
marijuana in their youth believe that their teens Developmental tasks, such as education and career
will try drugs (CASA, 1996). choice, will be severely compromised. The person
However, alcohol remains the drug of choice may become involved with the law. He or she will
among teenagers, the one that they use and abuse be unable to participate in their family and will
most frequently, and the drug most associated with miss significant life events, such as graduations
risky behaviors such as drunk driving, teen preg- or a sibling's marriage. Through the years, these
nancy, suicide, and violence. The percentage of unrecovered family members become like family
teens who have tried alcohol has remained steadily ghosts. They are so impaired and have such a long
high since 1990, and the percentage of eighth grad- history of disappointments with their families, that
ers who are binge drinking is increasing (CASA, it is difficult even to maintain contact. Families
1997). Male high school seniors had a markedly need to protect themselves against the symptom-
higher incidence of heavy drinking than female atic behaviors of addicts, such as lying and steal-
high school seniors, but this gap has narrowed during. Long-term alcoholics are written out of family
ing the last decade (Johnston, O'Malley, & Bach- wills. It is important in such cases for the family
man, 1991). Alcohol and drug use is associated therapist to contextualize the problem as addiction
with the leading causes of death and injury (e.g., (not that the person is "bad") and encourage family
motor vehicle crashes, homicides, and suicides) members to gain support in programs such as Al
among teenagers and young adults. Anon.
The influence of peers is the most powerful If a family enters treatment at this phase of the
predictor of alcohol use among young people, but life cycle, with concern about drinking, the the ad-
the family is an important preventive agent. Teen- diction is likely to be severely progressed. How-
agers who feel close to their families are the least ever, as adolescents develop, they become more
likely to engage in risky behaviors, including vocal and more likely to speak out about a parent's
smoking marijuana or cigarettes, having sex, and drinking, often with great hostility and anger.
drinking. Parents* high expectations regarding Therefore, the clinician should carefully track al-
school performance are nearly as important (Gil- cohol and drug use on the part of the parents and
bert, 1997). assess potential impact on the presenting problem,
Diagnosing adolescent alcohol problems is which is usually the behavior of the adolescent.
much more difficult than it is for other age groups. Often, when an adolescent is intensely scape-
goated, alcoholism or drug addiction of a parent is Alcohol abuse and dependence are most likely
a factor. Precipitating a crisis often gives such chil- in late adolescence and young adulthood, more for
dren a sense of control in what can otherwise be an men than for women. Whites tend to abuse alcohol
unpredictable and chaotic environment. more, while people of color are more likely to use
And what of the adolescent whose addicted other drugs. For this age group. 20 percent of
parent(s) do not recover at this phase? Such a women have alcohol problems, compared to 33
child would probably be either overfunctioning or percent of men (Grant et al.. 1991).
underfunctioning. depending on gender and birth The risk of alcohol dependence is determined
order. An overresponsible child may have diffi- by a complex interplay of genetic and environmen-
culty with separation and individuation. Launch- tal factors. Younger male relatives of male alcohol-
ing would be complex as the adolescent struggles ics are at particular risk for the disease. The risk for
with intensely mixed feelings: I want to leave this developing alcoholism has been found to be seven
home but am so afraid someone will get hurt or die times greater among first-degree relatives of alco-
if I do. holics than among controls (Merikangas. 1990).
Research on homosexual and heterosexual
populations has established an association be-
tween alcohol use. drug use. and high-risk sexual
THE UNATTACHED YOUNG ADULT
behavior (U.S. Department of Health and Human
The primary developmental task for the young Services. 1990). The correlation is significant
adult, differentiation of self from family of origin, enough to merit discussion with clients at this age
is severely impaired by alcoholism in the family. If and make them aware of the risks.
the young adult manifests the disease at this age There are widespread and harmful conse-
and does not get sober, future life choices will be quences of heavy episodic, or "binge" drinking on
severely compromised, and he or she may have de- college campuses, not only for students who abuse
veloped the skills to survive within the family sys- alcohol, but also for others in their immediate en-
tem without having the skills to separate from it. vironment (Wechsler. 1996).
Young adults can be cut off from their family
emotionally, particularly if sobriety or recovery-
has not been achieved by either parent or any other
NEW COUPLES
family members. Treatment during this particular
life phase may help to restore the individual's ca- Alcohol abuse powerfully interferes with tasks at
pacity to negotiate the developmental stages that this phase of the life cycle. The interactional se-
follow. Adult children of alcoholics are often un- quences that form around alcohol use set the stage
aware of the significant influence alcoholism has for the inability to resolve later issues of differ-
had on their own lives. Denial, pride, and defen- ence, power, and intimacy. Some major pitfalls for
siveness, the defenses that enabled the adult child heterosexual couples may be the expectation of
to survive, eventually block the accomplishment of Utopia, boundary problems with extended fami-
adult relational tasks. lies, and a tendency to triangle to stabilize the rela-
The clinician has much to consider regarding tionship by focusing on a third person or issue,
alcoholism when treating a young adult. Heavy use including alcohol.
of alcohol is considered a rite of passage by many:
therefore, the diagnosis of a problem is particular-
ly difficult. It is important to track carefully the

COUPLES AT ANY STAGE
drinking habits of young adults and educate them
about their vulnerabilities to developing alcohol Alcohol use is a frequent regulator of closeness and
problems at some point in their lives. distance in a couple. Marriages that are affected
462 CHAPTER 27
by alcoholism may present with intense symmetri- 1991). Thus, the presentation of infertility or sex-
cal conflict, competitiveness, a high degree of ual problems merits a detailed assessment of the
overt/covert dependency on the part of both past and present use of alcohol and drugs.
spouses, or an extreme role imbalance, that is, one
partner overfunctions while the other underfunc-
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
tions. Similar dynamics may occur in marriages in
which one or both partners were children of an al- Caution is needed when the referral is made for the
coholic parent, even if no drinking problem exists partner of the alcoholic spouse. The clinician must
in the marriage. carefully track the presence of domestic violence.
Treating a couple with an alcohol problem is If the alcoholic has engaged in threatening or in-
complex. The primary goal is the drinker's achiev- timidating behavior toward his or her spouse or
ing abstinence. A critical factor would be the time there has been a violent incident, referral must be
lapse between the onset of early warning signals of made to a batterers program. The couple should
alcoholism and the couple's presentation for treat- not be seen together. Al Anon is not appropriate
ment. For example, was someone caught driving until the partner is safe. Again, context is impor-
under the influence? If so, did the person partici- The message of Al Anon, couched in terms of
tant.
pate in treatment? Who sees the drinking as a prob- "giving up control" is dangerous to battered
lem? The person with the least intense denial is the women. Instead, the woman should be seen alone,
one who is more open to treatment. If this is the informed of her legal rights, and referred to a
drinker, the clinician can request a period of absti- women's group.
nence, usually 90 days, with attendance at a self- Alcohol is present in more than 50 percent of
help program. If the client breaks the contract for all incidents of domestic violence and thus merits
abstinence, this further supports the supposition of further discussion (Permanen, 1991). The cause-
alcoholism, and a discussion must ensue with the and-effect thinking that has dominated research in
alcoholic and his or her family about the need for this area is potentially dangerous to families. It sup-
more structured treatment, such as day or in-pa- ports the false belief, prevalent in much addiction
tient hospitalization. If the client has been drinking treatment, that if the drinking stops, so will the
heavily for some years, in-patient detoxification violence. Further, it ignores the entire continuum
may be necessary. of power and control and associated behaviors in
If the alcoholic rigidly denies having a prob- which the perpetrator of violence will continue to
lem, his or her spouse may be the one who is more engage (Almeida, Woods. Messineo. Font. & Heer,
open to defining the problem as alcoholism. A key 1994). The clinician working with a family strug-
component of treatment in this case is referral to gling with addiction must be well versed in these
Al Anon, a self-help program for family members dangerous and complex issues. Men who batter
of alcoholics. Involvement in this program will need to be referred to a treatment program that ad-
educate nondrinking clients about the disease of dresses the specific issues of power and control in
alcoholism, help them to give up overfunctioning conjunction with their treatment for addiction. This
for the alcoholic, and help them to keep a strong view is in opposition to the long-held notion in ad-
self-focus. diction treatment that the addiction must be treated
Infidelity is a typical problem. An affair is of- before any other issue and not doing so places the
ten perceived as more threatening than a drinking addict at great risk for relapse. While there may be
problem. Sexual problems for the male, such as some merit to the relapse argument, the option of
impotence, loss of libido, and inability to ejaculate, ignoring the violence and placing a partner or chil-
have long been associated with drinking. Alcohol dren at continued risk is not tenable.
has deleterious effects on the endocrine system If clinicians find no evidence of domestic vio-
and reproductive function (Adams & Cicero. lence, they may proceed with coaching the spouse
to gradually give up functioning for the alcoholic ulation (Anderson, 1966). Perhaps this is because,
and to take positions with the alcoholic that foster until very recently, bars were the only venues
sobriety. Encourage the spouse to stop serving available for socializing and connecting with other
alcohol at home and to avoid situations in which gay people.
drinking is present. The spouse may move out of Gay and lesbian couples live in a heterosexist
the bedroom until the drinking stops. Couples need environment that stigmatizes their life-style
to acquire a vision of an alcohol-free marriage, and choices and sexual preferences. Frequently, their
a significant portion of therapy time should be de- families of choice are not acknowledged and their
voted to this. The couple should be educated about families of origin are rejecting and alienating. Sub-
any family predisposition for alcoholism via a stance abuse may be a response, as it is for women,
genogram. People in their extended families who to cultural oppression and shaming. Outreach to
are sober and in recovery can provide excellent gays and lesbians with substance abuse problems
sources of support. is negligible, and attention to their special needs is
rare. Yet their families are no less damaged by

abuse, and there is a great need for nonhomopho-
AFTER SOBRIETY
bic alcoholism treatment.
If the alcoholic stops drinking, the clinician should Life cycle phases for gay and lesbian families
be prepared for. and inform the family of, the fact involve some additional stages that do not apply to
that early sobriety can be a most difficult time. heterosexuals, and the stress of these stages is of-
This is often surprising, since the long-awaited ten associated with heavy substance use. Gay peo-
event — sobriety — has finally occurred. Sobriety ple struggle with self-acceptance. Work with the
can provide a clear picture of just how alcoholic family of choice may be more critical work than
drinking has affected the family. Other family with the family of origin. The heterosexual family
members may manifest symptoms such as depres- struggling with a gay child needs to know that be-
sion. Treatment should focus on stabilizing the ing gay does not "cause" addiction but is an impor-
system and educating family members about the tant part of the context in which it occurs.
significant role alcohol played in their daily inter-
actions. Issues regarding transmission to the next
NEW PARENTS
generation should be addressed. Relapse preven-
tion needs to be addressed through frank discus- Young adults who used illegal drugs or alcohol as
sion and cognitive and behavioral training and teenagers tend to cut down or quit when confronted
support for the couple while encouraging a strong by the responsibilities of marriage and family
focus on self. (Bachman. Wadsworth, 0"Malley, Johnston, &
If the alcoholic continues to drink, the clinician Schulenberg, 1997). A study of more than 33,000
must be prepared to predict drinking*s impact on the young adults at two-year intervals up to fourteen
couple as they move through the life cycle. Comple- years, found that substance abuse goes up when ad-
mentarity of the overfunctioning and underfunc- olescents break free of parental restraints but then
tioning roles will become more rigid and extreme, goes down again once they mature and accept new
and the ability to parent will be compromised. responsibilities such as love and marriage. Those
who give up drugs and alcohol after using them as
teenagers are more likely to return to them after
GAY AND LESBIAN COUPLES
personal setbacks, such as divorce.
Gay and lesbian couples also experience problems This is important information for the clinician
with alcohol use. The rate of substance abuse prob- treating a family at this phase of the life cycle.
lems in the gay community has been reported to be Family history and the history of drug and alcohol
three times as high as that in the heterosexual pop- use by each parent are vital in understanding their
464 CHAPTER 27
propensity toward addiction. Research suggests risk for both disorders (Tarter, Alterman, & Ed-
that alcohol and drug use should decline at this wards, 1985.) Male children of alcoholic fathers
phase of the life cycle. If this is not what the family appear to be at particular risk (Tarter, Babene, Es-
is reporting, it may indicate a problem. The family callier, Larid, & Jacob, 1990). Short attention span
therapist needs to be aware of such vulnerabilities and low task persistence may also mark vulnera-
toward addiction and should have frank discus- bility to alcoholism (Pihl and Peterson, 1991).
sions with the parents about it. Such tendencies may become more severe with pa-
rental divorce and neglect. Clinicians who are pre-
sented with a family exhibiting such behaviors
CHILDREN IN ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES
need to be aware of the potential for alcoholism in
More than 15 million school-age children are af- one or both parents and alert the parent to their
fected by parental alcoholism. The alcoholic fam- child's increased susceptibility.
ily with young children may be referred for One of the functions of family life is to pro-
treatment because of school problems, learning vide children with emotional and physical safety
disabilities, delinquency, or evidence of neglect or and an environment within which normal develop-
abuse. Perhaps they come voluntarily for help with mental tasks can be completed. Addiction distorts
marital issues or behavioral problems with their normal family processes, skews family roles, and
child. creates a climate in which fear, anger, mistrust,
The role of maternal alcoholism in the etiol- guilt, and sadness prevail. Such families tend to be
ogy of intellectual, physical, and academic disabil- alcohol focused rather than child focused. Normal
ities in children has been well documented as fetal dependency needs of children go unmet, and the
alcohol syndrome (FAS) (Streissguth, 1976). FAS child may experience a sense of chronic grief and
has been identified only in children born to women loss that manifests itself in depression and a sense
who drank heavily while pregnant. Exposure to of being different or isolated from others.
alcohol in utero can produce deleterious effects Various authors have identified roles that chil-
ranging from gross morphological anomalies to dren assume: the hero, lost child, adjuster, scape-
mental impairment (including retardation) to more goat, and mascot (Black, 1981). Each role
subtle cognitive and behavioral dysfunctions (U.S. generally identifies either an overresponsible or un-
Department of Health and Human Services, 1990). derresponsible pattern of behavior that represents
Diagnosis is difficult because only the most severe the child's attempt to address the disorganization
cases are identifiable at birth. and inconsistency of the family environment. The
assumption of a role appears to be based on one's
birth order and gender, although it can change over
EARLY WARNING SIGNS FOR
time. While an understanding of such family roles
CHILDREN AT RISK
is useful, the clinician should view each child's re-
Recent studies that examine risk factors for alco- sponse as his or her attempt to cope with a trau-
holism have found interesting links between tem- matic situation. Adaptive behaviors were skills that
perament and the eventual shift in later life to were necessary to survive their childhood and can
drinking problems. For example, hyperactive chil- be quite useful in a later life cycle phase.
dren are more likely than other children to have an The presence of addiction places children at
alcoholic biological father (Cantwell, 1975). In risk for a variety of abusive and neglectful situa-
fact, paternal alcoholism appears to be prevalent tions, which must be carefully assessed. Sexual
even when hyperactive children are raised by abuse, battering, and neglect are common experi-
adoptive parents. This has led to the suggestion ences for the child in an alcoholic home. Over
that alcoholism and hyperactivity may have a com- 70 percent of incest victims lived in alcoholic
mon genetic basis that places a person at increased homes, and 69 percent of reported cases of batter-
ALCOHOL PROBLLMS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 465
ing and neglect were related to alcohol abuse The impact of addiction is significant in this
(CAS A. 19%). period because, in reestablishing themselves as a
marital dyad, a couple is forced to face issues that
perhaps were unresolved earlier in the marriage.
WHEN A PARENT GETS SOBER
Addiction may represent an attempt to avoid these
When parents achie\e sobriety at this phase of the issues. It may replace the children in the family tri-
life cycle, there may be some interesting conse- angle, or it may be that, although once tolerated,
quences for the family. A precocious 8-year-old drinking now becomes a focus of concern for the
once said, with much frustration. "There never nondrinking spouse. Changes in the expectations
used to be any rules in my family. Now. my Dad of or needs to avoid intimacy often occur at this
has stopped drinking, and theres rules all over the stage.The equilibrium that evolved in the relation-
place!" ship changes dramatically. Midlife also forces
The impact of a parent becoming sober is most couples to cope with the loss of parents and
powerful for all family members. In early sobriety, extended family supports.
the family may experience the physical loss of the Midlife is the time when men and women are
drinking parent, through either hospitalization or most likely to seek help for alcohol problems. Hus-
intense participation in AA. bands of alcoholics rarely seek help for the wife's
If parents become sober while the children are drinking. This tendency to deny the problem or to
young, the children may later have difficulty un- act protectively toward the wife is more typical of
derstanding that their parent is alcoholic, since husbands than of the w ives of alcoholic husbands. If
they may not have a memory of him or her drinking. the drinking spouse does not achieve sobriety at this
Children with memories, often traumatic, require time, divorce is often the result. Relationships with
thorough and repeated discussions over time about their grown children can be unpredictable at this
how the disease affected them. It may take a long time, since the alcoholic must now function for
time to rebuild the trust between family members himself or herself after the divorce and often cannot.
and heal the often deep wounds left by drinking. The marriage may still be precarious even if
Again. AA can be a vital support. For example, a sobriety is achieved. If the drinking had an early
tradition in AA and similar programs is to recog- onset, the nondrinking spouse may feel that too
nize time by celebrating at anniversap. meetings, much damage has occurred. The sober alcoholic
which family members are invited to attend. This may be like a totally new person to the nondrinking
is a powerful tool for healing in families, particu- spouse. In the early sobriety phase of treatment, a
larly at one- and two-year anniversary dates. At- total restructuring of the marriage is taking place.
tendance by family therapists at such celebrations Again, the use of AA and Al Anon is critical in
is a valuable learning experience and a supportive providing tools to such couples.

act on behalf of the client.
THE FAMILY IN LATER LIFE:

LAUNCHING CHILDREN AND MOVING ON ADDICTION AND THE ELDERLY
This phase typically takes place when parents are The 65 and over age group is the fastest-grow ing
in their mid-forties to mid-sixties, and is commonly group in the United States as longevity increases
referred to as the "empty nest" phase. It is a stage and the effects of the baby boom birth rates be-
that begins when the children start to leave home come more apparent. In this life phase, both the
and ends w ith the couple living alone in preretire- adult and other family members must adapt to the
ment. Huge changes are seen in the family during shifting of power from older to younger family
this time, with some members leaving and new members. Loss is a concurrent and equally impor-
members entenne. tant theme.
466 CHAPTER 27
The American Medical Association predicts occurred by age 65. The therapist should attempt
that by the year 2000, 20 percent of the elderly to decrease isolation by helping the family to
population will be addicted to a substance. This evolve solutions for providing the person with con-
means that if the alcoholism rates remain constant, tact and support. The issue of who is responsible
there will be 50 percent more elderly alcoholic pa- for what or whom must be dealt with, as should be
tients at the turn of the century than there were at the emotional factors in the family related to loss,
the end of the 1970's. Currently, 83 percent of the grief, and unresolved anger. Both the family and
elderly population takes some kind of medication, the older person need to make productive use of
and 50 percent of those take some form of sedative community supports, and it should never be as-
(Allen, 1996). sumed that referral to AA or Al Anon is an unpro-
Several aspects of aging may interfere with ductive suggestion because of the person's age.
the detection of alcohol use problems among the Some individuals may require detoxification and
elderly (Caracci & Miller, 1991). These include at- medical treatment for the physiological conse-
titudes on the part of the patient, the physician, and quences of abusive drinking.
the family, often dominated by denial and long-
standing beliefs that alcoholism is a moral weak-
ASSESSMENT
ness or character defect. Further, symptoms of
alcoholism at this life cycle phase, such as memory Appropriate assessment of alcoholism and the
loss, bone fractures associated with falls, isolation, staging of treatment should include a clear under-
and depression, may be misdiagnosed as signs of standing of the following points (Bepko & Krestan.
the aging process. 1985):
In general, a growing isolation from family
and peer supports tends to characterize the elderly, 1. Where is the addiction? Who uses, and with
and this isolation could be defined as the major whom? When, and under what circum-
problem affecting the older person's adjustment to stances? How much do they use, and what
this life phase. Drinking may first become prob- changes occur as the result?
lematic for the person in retirement, it may become 2. Who is most affected by the drinking or drug
exacerbated during this phase, or it may recede as use? Is a son or daughter more anxious than a
a problem. It is useful to classify alcoholism of the spouse? Is one parent more upset by a child's
elderly into two subgroups: early onset, defined as drug use?
that beginning before age 65 and having pro- 3. Is it really an addiction? This question is al-
gressed since, and late onset, which began after ways in the back of the family's mind, and
age 65 (Maletta, 1982). Factors that contribute to while only the alcoholics/addicts themselves
the development of late-onset drinking problems can make that determination, the clinician
include increased biological sensitivity to alcohol, must also make this assessment and use the
late-life stresses, more free time, and pressure decision strategically. Diagnosis is critical,
from peers in some retirement communities to in- and if the clinician has a problem with this, he
crease alcohol intake (Alexander & Duff, 1988). or she should seek help from a colleague or
The late-onset group is thought to be larger and is addiction professional.
viewed as having a better prognosis. Drinking in 4. In what phase is the drinking behavior? How
this group is considered to be related more specif- long the person has been using, and how
ically to the stresses of aging and is seen as more much? Assess whether the client can stop us-
responsive to therapeutic attempts to relieve those ing without medical consequences.
stresses. 5. In what life cycle stage is the individual who
The most distinctive feature of the early-onset is drinking? An adolescent drinker represents
drinker is the almost total social isolation that has different family dynamics and requires dif-
ferent treatment approaches than an elderly period of time, usually 90 days, with the same stip-
drinker. ulations. A clear part of the contract should be

6. In what generation of the family is the individ- attendance at AA if the contract is broken. En-
ual who drinks, and in what stage of the life courage attendance at multiple AA groups. It would
cycle is the famiK this drinker is affecting? be wise for the clinician to educate himself or her-
What developmental tasks have been accom- self about the local AA community by attending
plished by the drinker/family, and which seem open meetings and having the meeting book
to be arrested by the drinking? available in the office.
7. What is the time lapse between the onset of
the early warning signals of alcoholism and
SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS
the presentation of the family for treatment?
How many life cycle phases have occurred Alcoholism is a highly treatable disease. It is the
since the drinking began, and how have they task of the family therapist to keep this concept at
been or not been resolved? the forefront of his or her work with families. A
8. How does the family think about the drinking life cycle perspective is critical in providing the
or drug use? Do they deny that it is a problem context for the clinician and family to begin to nav-
or think that it is the only problem? igate through the complex interplay of factors that
9. How has the family adjusted to the drinking, comprise this disease. We have attempted, through
and what solutions have already been tried? research data and clinical example, to provide the
10. Assess the degree to which the family has iso- therapist with a map. relevant questions, tools, and
lated itself. a long-term vision.
11. What is the family history of both addiction We agree with George Vaillant (1995). who
and recovery? states, "The first step in treatment is hope... the
12. Make a detailed and careful assessment of second... is diagnosis" (p. 362). We thus encour-
the patterns of overresponsibility and underre- age hope and an aggressive pursuit of a diagnosis
sponsibility in the marriage or family. that will frame the problem as an illness, not a
moral weakness or personal shortcoming.
There are several guidelines that the clinician There are some significant problems in need
should employ in treating families with addiction of redress in the field of alcoholism research. First,
at any phase of the life cycle. First, remember that most studies to date are of White men and thus
there is a range of drinking patterns that could cannot be generalized to women or other popula-
constitute alcoholism: focus more upon the conse- tions, who we know have different drinking pat-
quences of that person's drinking behavior and the terns. Further, the field lacks any longitudinal
ways in which other people in their lives describe it studies, other than Vaillant" s, which is again, of
as problematic. In an illness such as alcoholism, an White men. We need to understand more fully the
individual's partem of heavy use, abstinence, and relationship between the development of this dis-
controlled drinking can vary greatly depending on ease and gender, race, sexual orientation, and
personality, environment, and culture. socioeconomic status. Many questions remain
As part of the assessment, consider asking the unanswered: Why does alcoholism peak at differ-
active alcoholic to limit himself or herself to two ent phases of the life cycle, depending on one's
drinks a night. Construct a clear contract around race? What is it about being a Black or Hispanic
this whereby all parties understand that if the con- man in middle age that contributes to alcohol de-
tract is broken and the person drinks more (even on pendence? What of the correlation in some groups
a special occasion), the drinking will be viewed as between a rise in income and education and the de-
problematic and not under the person's control. velopment of alcoholism How does poverty affect
Similarly, a contract can be made not to drink for a this?
468 CHAPTER 27
Our hope is that the clinician will come to them to maintain a vision of recovery. Further, we
view addiction as an illness with serious, long- must remind both ourselves and our clients that the
term, life-threatening consequences. Our chal- alcoholic is more than a person with a disease: He
lenge as family therapists is to remind families of or she is a mother, daughter, father, child, or grand-
the potential threat to their well-being that ad- parent who is loved despite the painful conse-
diction represents, while simultaneously helping quences of drinking.
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Chapter 28
VIOLENCE AND THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
MONICA McGOLDRICK
MARY ANNE BROKEN NOSE
MILDRED POTENZA
Today the fear of danger on the streets at the hands of strangers is as

strong as ever. . . . And there is very- real danger in the streets. But the . .
cruel irony. . . is that the real danger of personal attack is in the

home . . . You are more likely to be physically assaulted, beaten, and killed
inyour own home at the hands of a loved one than anyplace else, or by
anyone else in our society.
— R. J. Gelles & M. A. Straus
Unfortunately, violence is a widespread occur- that harm them. Sibling violence is also very prev-
rence in families throughout the life cycle in our alent and serious with some studies indicating
society as it is in all other patriarchal cultures. It is rates as high as 40 percent (Barnett et al., 1997).
primarily directed toward women, children, and One of the most widespread forms of violence in
the elderly, which will be the focus of this chapter. the family is corporal punishment. The irony of
While men experience violence throughout the life corporal punishment is that it almost invisible; it is
cycle, most of it occurs outside the home. The ef- seen as unremarkable, because almost everyone
fect of this on the way men relate in intimate and has been spanked or spanks (Straus, 1994). Loving
familial relationships is an important and complex parents regularly and deliberately assault their
topic, unfortunately beyond the scope of this chap- children, when their children do not do what the
ter (Bamett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 1997). We do parents want. For half of American children, being
know, for example, that men who are violent with hit and spanked will be a regular part of their lives
nonfamily members are not necessarily abusive of from the time they are infants until they are well
their wives and children. We can also see that as a into their teens (Straus, 1994). It is in the home, at
we encourage male aggression and in some

culture the hands of those who love us the most, that we
ways have made it a central part of male identity. learn the moral rightness of violence.
Male violence is glorified in the media and inter- To assess issues of abuse in any particular
twined with sports, such as football and boxing. In- family at any life cycle stage or transition, it is es-
deed, it has been reported that wife abuse within sential to address the societal arrangements that
the home is highest on the night of the Super- foster oppression and violence by those with
bowl. Women are also violent at times, often abus- power against those with less power: men against
ing those most dependent on them. They have a women, dominant groups against gays and lesbi-
high rate of lashing out physically against male ans, and so forth. We must also assess the various
and lesbian partners, although less often in ways forms of violence: from racial violence to date rape
470
VIOLENCE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 471
to emotional neglect, from the rages of an alco- tionships occur within a homophobic societv in
holic father of three young children to the intimi- which their relationships are stigmatized, gay bash-
dating refusal of a 67-year-old man to give his 65- ing is common, and no legal recognition or protec-
year-old wife an\ information about or control tion is offered. Traditional cultures and religions
over their finances. Clinicians must be on guard to often condone a degree of marital violence. Over 80
assess all couples for the ways in which power, in- percent of women on welfare have experienced do-
timidation, and threats of abuse as well as violence mestic violence Raphael ( & Tolman. 1 997 ). Hav ing
itself may organize a couple's relationship and. inher own money and her own connections is highly
deed, all the relationships in a family. protective for a woman against patriarchal abuse.
Violence in the family is not just aggression: it Those without money or social con-
skills, status,
is abuse of power. The statistics show clearlv that nections generally have nowhere to go to avoid
within families, it operates on the basis of the stron- abuse (see Figure 28. 1 on page 472).
gest \ ictimizing the weakest. Thus, the greatest vol-
ume of abuse is directed against the weakest WHY INTERVENTION MUST ADDRESS
children, children under the age of 6 (Finkelhor. SOCIAL ACCOUNTABILITY
1983). The most likely abuser is the more powerful
parent: the father. The same is true of spouse abuse:
Abuse and the tolerance of abuse tend to be taught
the stronger tends to victimize the weaker. In fami-

in families from generation to generation. But. like
lies in which the woman has less power by virtue of

all gender and cultural inequalities, though trans-
mitted through the family, they are generally social
not being in the labor force or having less education,
issues, not evolving at the interior of the family.
she is at higher risk of abuse. All forms of family
Thus, as Almeida and Bograd 1991) have put it.
context of psychological abuse
(
abuse occur in the
and exploitation, a process that victims sometimes Treatment strategies aimed at shifting the power
describe as "brainwashing" (Finkelhor, 1983). imbalance within the family alone, without accom-
Abuse is clearly associated with family isolation panying social sanctions, run the grave risk of en-
lack of community ties, friendships, and organiza- tering into a covert alliance with the abuser...
tional affiliations (belles & Cornell. 1990: Straus & When clinicians only investigate and reconstruct
past psychological traumas of abusive men. they
Steinmetz. 1980). It has also been institutionally
beg questions of the men's social responsibility for
supported. For example, the dominant churches in
their violence, (p. 244
the United States have encouraged the use of corpo-
ral punishment as an appropriate way of teaching Therefore, our primary interventions with an abu-
children to "respect authority" iGreven. 1990). and sive father must not relate to questions about his
corporal punishment of children is allowed by law father. That would particularize issues of a social
in every state in the United States, although some nature. Once the transgenerational patterns of vio-
states, such as Texas, qualify this b\ saying that it lence are articulated in therapy with a couple in
must not be "deadly" l Straus. 1 994 ). which the husband has abused his wife, treatment
In assessing families throughout the life cycle, has tended to neutralize the husband's accountabil-
we must be careful to examine the hidden ways in ity focusing on the couple's joint victimization.
which abuse, overt and dramatic, as well as subtle Although violence plays out in the interior of the
forms of intimidation and control, may be organiz- family, it is not an intrafamilial issue (Cleage,
ing family behavior. We must also be attuned to the 1990: Almeida. Wood. Messineo. & Font. 1998).
patterns of violence in different contexts, depending A man is not violent primarily because his father
on class, culture, gender, and life cycle phase. Fam- was \ lolent toward him. but rather because we live
ilies of color experience double jeopardy, being at in a society that condones violence. While our in-
once oppressed by both institutional racism and pa- terventions are obviously directed at changing in-
triarchal oppression. Similarly, gav and lesbian rela- trafamilial behaviors, the primary understandings
472 CHAPTER 28
FIGURE 28.1 Public Context: Misuse and Abuse of Power toward People of Color.
Adapted from Almeida, R., Woods, R., Messineo, T., & Font, R. (1992). Power wheels: The cultural context model. Som-
erset, N.J.: Institute for Family Services.
of these problems that we need to convey are social chic issues or the family of origin as the source of
rather than familial. This is an important distinc- primary understanding of a man's violent behavior
tion. Many therapists have failed to relate their and a woman's tolerance of it.
therapies sufficiently to the social dynamics of pa- The primary context for helping men at all
triarchy, orienting themselves instead to intrapsy- phases of the life cycle to understand and change
their patterns of abuse requires placing them in the tolerates and even encourages their occurrence and
larger social context and offering them the opportu- denies the enormity of their impact. This promotes
nity to change their behavior in spite of all the soci- self-blame and erodes self-confidence, making it
etal forces that may support their abuse or pressure difficult for young people to accomplish the tasks
them not be accountable for their violence ( Almeida intrinsic to young adulthood, that is, becoming in-
et al.. 1998; Kivel. 1992). For example, when others dependent and developing careers and intimate re-
label them as "sissies." "wimps." or "fags" for being lationships. The term "sexual harassment" covers a
nonassertive. men are being covertly pressured to wide range of behavior, from lewd remarks and
undervalue their mothers, sisters, wives, and chil- dirty jokes to unwanted physical contact and rape.
dren and to treat them with disrespect. It takes place in the workplace, in schools, and in
There are often wide discrepancies in esti- everyday social situations. Statistics indicate that
mates of family violence, which, until recently, one out of two women will be harassed during her
was a well-hidden problem in the U.S. Official es- academic or working life (Fitzgerald, 1993).
timates of family violence throughout the life cy- Women in traditionally male occupations suffer
cle are shockingly high, but as we know, many the most (Mansfield, Koch, Henderson, & Vicary,
incidents of abuse are never reported, and it is \ ery 1991 ). Sexual harassment creates insecurity and a
difficult to get the full picture of its prevalence. hostile, threatening work environment for women
Throughout the life cycle, intimate relation- (Charney & Russell, 1994). Many are not sure how
ships are much more dangerous for women than for to respond and few file formal complaints. Clinical
men. Men are more often victimized by strangers, fallout includes self-blame, the loss of self-esteem,
whereas most violence against women is perpe- depression, and disempowerment (Hoyer, 1994;
trated by family members, boyfriends, and acquain- Spratlen, 1988). In practical terms, the therapist
tances, and these acts usually occur in or near a can act as a coach, rehearsing coping strategies and
women's home (Bachman & Saltzman, 1995; Cra- encouraging clients to get legal advice, learn about
ven, 1997). Violence in the form of corporal punish- their companies' sexual harassment policies, and
ment against children has been the norm and sexual network with other women to empower them-
abuse of children tragically widespread, while abuse selves against the invalidation of such experiences.
of elders appears to be on the increase. One of the most insidious forms of sexual ha-
rassment that women encounter is acquaintance
rape. We live in a rape-supportive culture (Koss,
YOUNG ADULTHOOD
1989; Schwartz & De Keseredy, 1997). Many peo-
• As many as 50 percent of college students are ple think that in certain circumstances, it is okay for
estimated to have been the victims of physical a man to force a women to have sex, for example,
aggression by a dating partner (Pedersen & if they have been dating a long time, if they have
Thomas, 1992; Stacy, Schandel, Flannery, & had sex before, or if she has "led him on" (Cassidy
Conlon 1994). & Hurrell, 1995; Schwartz & De Keseredy, 1997;
• A survivor of acquaintance rape said, "Every Shortland & Goodstein. 1992). Rape myths, such
day, I sat next to him in class. Every day I as that a woman "asked to be raped," liked it. or
passed him in the hallway — man who raped
the could have stopped it. are widely accepted and are
me. There was nothing I could do. He was a reinforced in popular pornography. Formal and in-
football hero. No one would ever believe me." formal male social groups, such as fraternities,
sports team, or even the men at the local bar can re-
Sexual harassment, courtship violence, and inforce the importance of sexual conquest and pro-
acquaintance rape are painful experiences that scar mote the objectification of women, creating an
the psyches of their victims. They are experienced environment in which rape is acceptable for their
on a personal level but in a social environment that members (Schwartz & De Keseredy. 1997). In
474 CHAPTER 28
response to the recent awareness of the epidemic It is important to establish an emotionally safe
proportions of acquaintance rape, many colleges environment in the wake of a rape. Medical issues
have initiated rape prevention programs, but these and legal options should be explored. It is vital
changes are not enough, since the broader social that those around the survivor believe her and not
attitudes that allow such behaviors have not reinforce societal blaming of the victim (Davis,
changed (Frazier. Valtinson, & Candell. 1994). Brickman, & Baker. 1991; Ullman, 1996). Parents,
Young women often do not identify dating violence devastated by what has happened, often close
as abuse and rarely report it to the police, though down the issue of the rape trauma. Male relatives,
they frequently confide in friends. Indeed, while it intimates, and friends frequently respond in a ste-
seems counterintuitive, violence seems to increase reotypical fashion, becoming outraged and preoc-
with the length of the relationship and the depth of cupied with thoughts of revenge. Family therapy
commitment (Pedersen & Thomas, 1992). Women provides an opportunity for those closest to the
often feel that they are as much to blame as their survivor to express their feelings and provide gen-
male partners, and men seem more than willing to uine support for the victim. Family therapy with
have them take the blame (LeJeune & Follette. the abuser, when possible, similarly expands the
1994). Women who have more traditional sex-role potential for social accountability.
attitudes are more likely to stay in an abusive rela-
tionship (Flynn, 1990). Therefore, it is important in A young man who had been arrested, but not con-
working with young women to focus on how ro- victed, for participating in a fraternity group rape
mantic ideals and acceptance of traditional gender of a woman at a college fraternity party was
coached to have an accountability session with his
roles may be influencing their tolerance of dating
parents, his siblings, and his wife regarding his
violence. This helps to make them conscious of the
participation in this behavior. His parents had ini-
power dynamics in their relationships and the ways
tially minimized his actions and stopped discuss-
in which they may be controlled by their partner.
ing the assault as soon as the police backed off. He
Conflicts that frequently trigger violence such as
spoke to his family about his responsibility as a
jealousy, the use of alcohol, disagreements about man to be different and to urge other men to be dif-
sexual intimacy, and verbal abuse also reflect power ferent so that his daughters, and other women
inequities in couple relationships (Lanner, 1990). would grow up in a different world.
The term "date rape" is truly a misnomer be-

cause it implies a romantic relationship between the Gay relationships are also plagued by court-
assailant and the perpetrator. A
more appropriate ship violence and acquaintance rape. This can be
term might be "acquaintance rape." The most com- especially stressful because they occur within a
mon assailants are male friends (Wiehe & Rich- homophobic environment that offers few resources
ards, 1995), boyfriends, neighbors, bosses, and and supports. Gay men and lesbians also suffer the
fellow employees. Many rapes nationwide occur in added insult of being victimized by hate crime. In
the workplace (Bachman, 1994). Women often one survey 75 percent of gay college students said
blame themselves and feel too ashamed to tell any- they had been the victims of verbal abuse and 25
one. Because acquaintance rape is a betrayal by percent had been threatened with violence (D'Au-
someone a woman trusts, it can be more psycholog- gelli, 1989). The Anti-Violence Project (1997), a
ically damaging than stranger rape. Survivors fre- group that monitors such attacks, reports that there
quently experience the symptoms associated with is an increase in hate crimes whenever the media or
other severe traumas (Petrectic- Jackson & Tobin. political groups focus on the gay community and
1996). Understandably, rape survivors frequently that most of the victims of these crimes are young
have difficulty trusting men and have problems adults (see Figure 28.2).
with sexual intimacy, expressed by a lack of inter- Interventions with young adults can have a
est in sex or compulsive sexual activity. profound influence on the types of relationships
Heterosexual Emotional Abuse

Privilege Name calling. Negative
No legal protection from words associated with
violence. No legal marriage or homosexuality. Exclusion Homophobia/
benefits (tax deduction, and rejection by
heterosexuals.
Heterosexism
insurance coverage, hospital
visitation, medical decision
Institutionalized
Sexual Abuse making, funeral leave. oppression.
Coming out is
Lesbians raped by men\ etc .). adoption
to make them "straight".
Physical violence based
\\
difficulties, exclusion
,r ° m military
seen as
"flaunting
hostile,
it."
Blamed for
on what gays and lesbians
AIDS
Physical Abuse
do sexually Lesbians epidemic.
eroticizedand objectified by Gay and lesbian bashing,
slapping, shoving, entrapment,
men, verbal harassment.^
Threats ^^^^ usually of sexual
punching, beating, killing.
nature.
Verbal threats to gay
bash, threat to be "outed" to
employer, landlord, family, etc. Threat
of homelessness for adolescents, threats
Power Isolation
to be disowned, arrested or to deport and Lack of positive lesbian and gay role
undocumented immigrants.
Control models, or representation through
media, isolation and separation
from peers and colleagues, lack of
accessibility to gay-affirming
Spiritual/Religious Abuse institutions,many services
offered to heterosexuals
Most churches and organized religions
view homosexuals as sinners. Gays
and lesbians are forced to give up
religious traditions and not
Using Children \not offered to gays
ar
Child custody battles,

permitted as clergy.
Econom ic accusations of pedophilia,
gays and lesbians thought to
Abuse be incompetent parents.
Intimidation Job discnmination
Destroying property, and no protection
under the law.
gay establishments.
"Passing" or hiding
abusive graffiti,
identity necessary for
police raids,
glorification of
access to jobs.
violence toward (Gay male couples have
gays, stalking.
more economic power
than lesbian
couples.)
FIGURE 28.2 Public Context: The Misuse and Abuse of Power toward Lesbians and Gays
Adapted from Almeida, R., Woods, R., Messineo, T, & Font, R. (1992). Power wheels: The cultural context model. Som-
they will form at this stage and other stages of their her siblings throughout her childhood. Marie was
lives. now dating a man who was very jealous and had
begun to shove her around. We made many inter-
Marie O'Hara. who sought help for problems with ventions to increase her consciousness about the
her parents, gradually acknowledged that her fa- societal dimensions of abuse. Within a few
ther had been violent to her mother, herself, and months, she developed the courage to call for help
476 CHAPTER 28
when her boyfriend became belligerent in a public women of all races, most all of those who are young
place, a courageous action that went very much and poor (Bachman & Saltzman, 1995). The inci-
against the grain of her Irish family background. dence of violence in gay and lesbian relationships is
The police came to the scene, and she left the boy-
believed to be similar to that among heterosexuals
friend in their custody, finding her own way home.
(Barnett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 1997), but for
Later, she became engaged to a very different
them as for couples of color, the prejudice that they
sort of man. By this point, she had the courage to
are likely to encounter from legal and social agen-
request of her father and her brother that they not
participate in her fiance's bachelor party if the ac-
cies means that they are at greater risk with fewer re-
tivities became dehumanizing to women. Such a sources than other families (see Figure 28.2).
party did occur. Her fiance left in protest, but her Domestic violence takes many forms. Until
brother and father remained. Marie brought her fa- recently, the general consensus was that sex be-
ther and brother into family therapy to confront tween a husband and wife could not be rape, since
them. Using the support of her sister and mother, the wife had consented to sex when she took her
she was able to hold them accountable and express marriage vows. Until 1976, no man could be
how their actions had hurt and angered Her
her.
charged with raping his wife. In fact, marital rape
brother refused to accept responsibility and walked
is often repeated throughout the marriage and
out of the session, but her father, with some coach-
tends to be more brutal than stranger rape and fre-
ing, was able to apologize to her for breaking his
quently involves forced anal sex and the use of ob-
promise and to support her in her wish to have a
very different type of relationship with men in the
jects in the vagina (Bergen, 1996; Campbell &
future. He also agreed to try to help his son under- Alford, 1989; Russell, 1990). Research indicates
stand the implications of his behavior. that at least one out of seven married women report
that they have experienced marital rape or at-
NEWLY FORMED COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS tempted marital rape (Russell, 1990).

Young women often feel that "love will con-
• Every nine seconds a woman in the United
quer all," not realizing that violence at the begin-
States is physically abused by her husband
ning of a marriage is an indication of what is to
(Commonwealth Fund, 1993).
come. Batterers are notorious for their sincere dis-
• Researchers have found that even one incident
plays of contrition and can be very charming, at-
of abuse can organize a couple's relationship
tentive, and seductive. Warning signs such as
for the rest of the marriage (Straus, 1978).
possessiveness and irrational jealousy are com-
The statistics are alarming. An estimated 3.9 monly misinterpreted as indications of love. Sud-
million American women are abused by their hus- den outbursts of rage can easily be attributed to
band or intimate partner every year (Common- stress. Given the pressure on newlyweds to make
wealth Fund, 1993). Aggression occurs in one third the relationship work, it is easy to view abusive in-
to one half of all marriages (Straus & Steinmetz, cidents as aberrations rather than as the beginning
1980). Women are at times highly aggressive as of a pattern. In assessing newly formed couples,
well, but the type of aggression they use (a slap, the therapist should be alert to a past history of
push, verbal put-down, or threat) is less emotionally abuse. Violence that begins in courtship is likely to
and physically damaging than the acts of violence continue into the marriage (Arias, Samois, &
men use toward women. Women are twice as likely O'Leary, 1987). Assessment of power arrange-
as men to be killed by a spouse or partner (Cra- ments and especially psychological abuse is partic-
ven. 1 996). And women who do kill their spouses ularly important in newly formed couples, because
have generally been battered themselves for years, these may be setting a dangerous pattern, which
although, ironically, women who murder their will intensify over time.
spouses are often given longer sentences than men Couple relationships have many dimensions,
who murder their wives. Domestic violence affects including economics; sexuality; the continuum of
VIOLENCE AND THE FAMILY LIFE O CLE 477
Sexual Abuse
Abusive patternsof seduction. Making
her do sexual things against her wi
attacking the sexual parts of her Emotional Abuse
body, pursuing her for sex.
Putting her down,
her
using unnaren \\ pen< ormance indulging in
Cnticizing sexual
calling her names,
making her think
'
Making her feel guilty \outside relationships,
about the children, using the\ Exposing her to HIV by
she's crazy, playing^
mind games, Intimidation
children to give messages. \
not practicing safer
stonewalling.
using visitation as a way to Putting her in fear by:
harass her. Under-responsible looks, actions, gestures,
parenting. Abusive and loud voice, smashing things,
controlling behavior destroying property, stalking,
Immigration "-^ *** driving car at excessive speed
Use of her undocumented

status to threaten deportation,
loss of job. children, medical
treatment, etc.
Power Physical Abuse
Economic Abuse and Slapping, shoving, choking, biting,
Control pushing, entrapment, punching,
Trying to keep her from getting or keeping beating, kicking, grabbing, pulling
a job. Controlling her access to money hair, stabbing, shooting, killing.
or knowledge about money.
Hiding investments
Isolation
Using Male what she does,

Controlling
whom she sees and talks to,
Privilege where she goes Denying access
Threats to car. Deliberatelyremoving her
Treating her like a servant.
Making and/or from her support system.
Making all the "big" decisions.
Acting like the "Master of the ,' carrying out
House." Neglecting second ' threats to hurt
shift: parenting, housework. her emotionally.
or home responsibilities. Threats to divorce
have an affair,
commit suicide, report
her to welfare, take
away children or
emotional support
system, or disclose her
HIV status.
FIGURE 28.3 Public Context: The Misuse and Abuse of Power within Heterosexual Relationships
Adapted from Almeida, R., Woods, R., Messineo. T, & Font, R. H992i. Power wheels: The cultural context model. Som-
power sharing, from partnership to male domi- rearing: arrangements regarding chores and leivure
nance; boundaries around the couple in relation to activities: emotional connectedness: dependence:
extended family, work, friends, and religion: child- control; and physical power (Almeida et al.. 1998;
478 CHAPTER 28
see also Chapter 14). Abuse may be a part of any Sharon and Ed had been married for six months
these in a couple's relationship. The power wheel when the first and only incident of physical abuse
(Figure 28.3) adapted by Almeida et al. (1998) for

occurred in their marriage. It was the Fourth of July.
Ed. who worked long hours as a supervisor at a local
clinical use in problems of domestic violence is ex-
factory, was looking forward to going to the town
tremely useful for assessing both violence and psy-
fireworks display. Sharon, who worked nights and
chological abuse in the multiple domains of couple
weekends as a nurse at a community hospital,
and family relationships. The wheel can be given to wanted to spend the day relaxing at home. This led
partners (in separate meetings) to get their assess- to an argument in which Ed accused Sharon of not
ment of the power dimensions of their relationship. appreciating all the work he did and not caring
Who is making the decisions? Who is managing the about his feelings. He pushed Sharon against the
money? How are conflicts being resolved? What is wall and threatened her w ith his fist. Frightened, she
agreed to go to the fireworks. Sharon said later that
each partner's attitude toward violence or intimida-
it was not the physical hurt, but the rage in his eyes
tion in marriage. Men who have more patriarchal
that scared her. They went to the fireworks display.
beliefs and attitudes and rigid sex role identities are
Ed apologized for getting rough with her. and
more likely to become violent (Coleman & Straus.
Sharon, seeing his mood improve, became a little
1986). Women who have more traditional attitudes indignant and told him that she never wanted to be
about sex roles are more apt to tolerate abuse. Traits treated that way again. But inside, she wondered
associated with batterers include jealousy, alcohol whether she had done something wrong. Ed was
and drug abuse, mental illness, a history of criminal working really hard. Maybe she wasn't being sensi-
assault, emotional insecurity, and difficulty dealing tive enough. She talked to her mother, who said that
every man loses his temper now and then and ad-
with anger, conflict, and stress (Davidovich, 1990:
vised Sharon that he was a good man, he didn't
Tolman & Bennett, 1990). Women who are in-
drink or go out with other women, and he didn't hit
volved with such men are at greater risk for abuse.
her. Sharon also talked to her sister, who said that
Even relatively incidental threats can influ- she should have fought back and shouldn't put up
ence a couple's whole relationship, and clinicians with that. Sharon decided that she loved Ed and
are urged to be alert to the fact that women, as well would forgive him this one transgression. She went
as men. may not describe their relationship as one out of her way to show her appreciation, taking on
of abuse, even though it may be organized by more of the household responsibility and cooking
power and intimidation:
his favorite meals. Ed never pushed or physically
threatened Sharon again. But throughout their mar-
The case of Sharon and Ed is a good example of riage, whenever Ed seemed on the verge of really
this. Sharon was being seen in therapy for mild but losing his temper. Sharon would rush to fix what-
chronic depression. The therapist noticed that Ed ever was bothering him. Going to see the fireworks
seemed to speak for Sharon more than she did for became a family tradition that Ed and their children
herself. He also had many theories about why looked forward to every summer.
Sharon was feeling the way she was. It was obvious
to the clinician that there was a power imbalance in Neither Ed nor Sharon would consider their re-
the relationship. Both partners denied there was any lationship abusive. Yet this situation illustrates the
abuse. In a separate meeting with Sharon, the thera- pervasive way in which subtle abuse or even the
pist first normalized the possibility of violence, stat-
threat of abuse can organize a whole relationship. It
ing that in many marriages one partner may lash out
also reminds us of the detailed questioning often nec-
at another. She asked specific questions:
essary to clarity' the history of abuse. Clarifying the
Did Ed ever hit you? No.
history allows the clinician to formulate an appro-
Punch You? No.
Kick you? No. priate treatment plan that takes into account the way
Shove you? Hmm. Well, one time, but it was a abuse has organized the internal life of the family.
long time ago, just after we got married. Sharon Conjoint therapy with abusive couples at this or
then described what had happened. any stage in the life cycle can actually be dangerous.
It may escalate violence, leading to retaliation for ished income, ordeal with the auto mechanic — are
events disclosed by the victim in therapy. We also discussed. For the most part, the people pro-
strongly recommend that violence be dealt with only viding this information and support are not the
in a comprehensive program that emphasizes the professionals who facilitate the group but other
safety of the victim, offers separate groups for victim women who have also been victimized by domes-
and abuser, and has a strong socioeducational com- tic violence. Family members and significant oth-
ponent to educate family members about the social ers are invited to provide support or help the
aspects of violence (Almeida et al., 1998). therapeutic process. New members learn not only
One of the best programs developed to address how abuse has permeated their entire relationship,
violent behavior has been developed by Rhea but also how to deal with it. The strength and suc-
Almeida and her colleagues (Almeida, 1993; Al- cess of members, who act as sponsors, serve as
media & Bograd. 1991; Almeida et al, 1998; proof that the women's lives can improve, whether
Almeida, Woods, Messineo, Font, & Heer, 1994) in or not the abuser changes or the relationship sur-
Somerset, New Jersey. This program is organized vives. This process is especially helpful in debunk-
around men's groups and women's groups (called ing many of the romantic beliefs that encourage
"culture circles"), which emphasize social account- young women to stay in abusive relationships.
ability, equitable family relationships, and the de- Family therapy with newly formed couples
velopment of a community to counter the dominant needs to focus also on their relationships with their
culture's proviolence attitudes. To break through families of origin. Family members who can pro-
the denial that is typical of those entering the provide support should become part of the healing
gram, each partner separately attends a socioeduca- process. Violence in the family can be seen within
tional group for eight weeks, focusing on the way the background of the past generation's ethnicity,
in which social forces of power and oppression cul- beliefs about sex roles, financial, and social cir-
tivate and condone abuse. This approach contextu- cumstances. This understanding should not be
alizes the couple's relationship before they begin to used to excuse abusive behavior or minimize its ef-
address their personal problems and offers them the fect on the client, but rather as a starting point in
possibility of seeing how their ways of relating facing what has happened, helping clients to con-
have been shaped by influences outside their indi- front abusive relationships in their families of ori-
vidual personalities and situations. gin as well. The process of confrontation requires
Young couples need to learn to look at their careful coaching and depends on the particular his-
relationship in a social context. In a group, batter- tory and relationships in each family.
ers, who tend to minimize and deny their actions.
are confronted by other men who are becoming ac-
FAMILIES WITH YOUNG CHILDREN
countable for their own violent behavior. The sup-
portive environment of the group encourages the • Almost all American children have been hit
batterer to take responsibility for his actions and by their parents, often for many years. For at
change his way of relating to his own and other least one in five and perhaps almost half, hit-
children. The women's group uses a holistic ap- ting begins in infancy and continues until they
proach to cope with the multiple needs of battered leave home. The laws in every state allow par-
women. Legal information on how to get a re- ents to hit their children with hairbrush or belt
straining order, find a lawyer, or get child support as long as no serious injury results and 28 per-
is provided. Therapeutic issues — grief over losing cent of parents of children age 8 to 10 still hit
the dream of a happy marriage, self-contempt for their children with such instruments (Straus,
tolerating the abuse, anger at the abuser — ad-
are 1994).
dressed. Ordinary practical concerns — how to • 50 percent of homeless women and children
monitor children's homework, budget a dimin- are fleeing abuse (Zorza. 1991).
480 CHAPTER 28
• 16 percent of females raped in 1992 were un- (Holden & Ritchie, 1991). Their mothers are often
der the age of 12 (Langan & Harlow, 1992). depressed, anxious, ill, and focused on the behavior
• Child protective services receive an estimated of the abuser, with little emotional energy left for
2 million reports of child abuse each year (U.S. their children. It is estimated that up to 10 million
Department of Health and Human Services children between the ages of 3 and 17 have wit-
(USDHH), 1997). nessed parental violence (Straus, 1991).
• It is estimated that five children in the United The relationship between parent and child is
States die every day because of abuse and ne- socially determined. Historically and culturally,
glect (USDHH, 1995). there has been wide variety in what is considered
• Estimates are that over 200,000 children were an appropriate parent-child relationship. Children
sexually abused in 1993 (Sedlak & Broad- have been seen as a blessing, an obligation, or a
hurst, 1996). burden. What is considered abuse in one setting is
seen as good parenting in another. In ancient

The enormous responsibility of raising chil- Greece and Rome, child prostitution was accept-
dren changes a couple's relationship forever. If vi- Male babies are more
able and legal (Kahr, 1991).
olence has already been a dynamic, it is likely to highly valued in manyFemale infanti-
societies.
increase at this point. Indeed, it is quite common cide has been a common practice in both European
for men to begin abusing their wives during preg- and Asian cultures. Little girls everywhere are
nancy. This may be because of the anticipated bur- raised differently from little boys, the most patriar-
dens of the child, because of the wife's new focus chal cultures being the most oppressive of young
away from exclusive devotion to the husband, or girls' development (De Young & Ziegler, 1994).
perhaps because she is more dependent (Bohn, Child-rearing practices in the United States have
1990). Pregnancy also offers no protection from always strongly endorsed corporal punishment.
marital rape (Bergen, 1996; Russell, 1990). As The most vocal advocates of corporal punishment
their families grow, mothers may leave work beat home and in school today are fundamentalist
cause of the expense or lack of daycare, a situation Christians (Greven, 1990). Corporal punishment is
that leavesthem especially vulnerable. Women still legal and practiced in school systems in many
who do not work outside the home, who earn less states, mostly in the South. The states that have the
than 25 percent of the family income, and who strongest commitment to the use of force for mor-
have young children at home are at highest risk of ally legitimate purposes have the highest rates of
abuse (Kalmus & Straus, 1990). rape and child abuse. Thus it is a serious issue that
Men who batter their wives may begin abusing so much of the violence conducted against chil-
their children. Sometimes, this serves as a turning dren is carried out by morally righteous people
point in the relationship; danger to the children is (Straus, 1994). If we lower the amount of corporal
the most frequently cited reason battered women punishment of those parents who routinely prac-
give for leaving their abuser (Hilton, 1992). Unfor- tice it, we could lower the level of child abuse dra-
tunately, not being able to support those children in- matically. The more people were hit by their
dependently is the most frequent reason they return parents in their early teens, the more likely they
(Gondolf & Fisher, 1988; Okun, 1986). Even if they were to be depressed and think of suicide. Corpo-
are not the target, children who live in violent homes ral punishment contributes to a sense of powerless-
are at high risk of physical and psychological injury. ness and a lack of internalized moral standards. It
They often feel impelled to try tomake peace be- also interferes with the likelihood of graduating
tween their parents or to protect whomever they per- from college or earning a good income and leads to
ceive to be the victim. This puts them in the direct more troubled child behavior in many dimensions
line of fire. The lives of children who witness mari- (Straus, 1994). Straus in his extensive study dem-
tal violence are filled with fear. In a sense, they lose onstrates that not spanking is in many ways much
both parents. Their fathers are emotionally distant more conducive to the goals parents hope to attain
\ l< >l I NCE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 481
by spanking. Nonspanking parents are less likely child-abuser relationship, the number of perpetra-
to ignore misbehavior and better able to maintain tors, their gender, and whether or not the sexual
strong bonds with their children ( 1994). abuse occurred within the context of other forms of
Child abuse ex-curs among all cultures, races, abuse (Heath. Bean, & Freinauer 1996).
and economic groups. Sadly, the highest rates are The role of the family at this stage in the life cy-
among the youngest and poorest children and those cle is to provide a safe, supportive environment for
who are disabled (Sedlak & Broadhurst. 1996; US- the growth and nurturance of children. Violence and
DHH. 1993). Perpetrators of child abuse are usually abuse are incongruent with these tasks. The primary
parents or stepparents who are struggling with ad- goal of therapy is to help the family to create a safe
dictions, emotional problems, poverty, or other environment for children by realigning and restruc-
stresses (Dore. Doris, & Wright. 1995; Murphy. turing the power dynamics within the system. Roles
Jellinek. Quinn. & Smith 1991: Sedlak & Broad- are often reversed in violent homes, with children
hurst, 1996; Whipple & Webster-Stratton, 1991). trying to protect their mother or siblings. Changes in
Sexual abuse is defined as interactions be- these roles are often met with great resistance.
tween a child and adult or an older child with the Mothers need to be supported and empowered.
goal of the sexual gratification or stimulation of the Children in abusive homes are often impaired in
perpetrator. This covers a wide range of behaviors their emotional and psychosocial development.
such as intercourse, fondling, viewing pornogra- Assessment of children's safety is not always
phy, or posing for pornographic pictures. Because easy and requires a different set of skills and
of the secretive nature of sexual abuse, it is be- knowledge than those needed work with adults. for
lieved that most incidents go unreported. Children The therapist must be aware of the norms of devel-
are vulnerable to sexual abuse from earliest child- opment for young children. For example, certain
hood. The most common abusers are family mem- behaviors, such as sexual play or victimization of
bers and others known to the family. The highest other children, excessive masturbation, seductive
number of reports are for children between the behavior, and genital exposure, are associated with
ages of 9 and 1 1 (Sedlak & Broadhurst. 1996). But sexual abuse in both preschool and school-age
infants and toddlers are also abused. The rate for children. Most mothers of incest victims take im-
girls is at least three times higher than that for boys mediate steps to protect their children, often at
(Sedlak & Broadhurst, 1996). Boys are even more great emotional cost to themselves. When there is
reluctant to admit to sexual abuse than girls and are sexual abuse, which is more often committed by
often perceived as being less damaged by the expe- fathers and even more by stepfathers, who play a
rience.They are less likely to receive counseling or central role in the emotional, financial, and psy-
be removed from their abusive homes (Black & De chological life of the family, children may feel that
Blassie. 1993). This lack of support for boys is par- by seeking help, they are betraying someone they
ticularly disturbing in light of the fact that most love and endangering the well-being of the entire
perpetrators have a history of having been sexually family. Other family members may blame the child
abused themselves. Male perpetrators of sexual for talking. It is essential in treating incest that the
abuse tend to abuse a much higher number of boys positive aspects of the victim's and other family
over their life course than do men who abuse girls. members' relationship with the abuser be ac-
Children are often threatened by their abuser or knowledged while holding the perpetrator respon-
made to feel that they have caused the abuse them- sible for the abuse and its impact on the child and
selves. The long-term effects of sexual abuse in- family. For this reason, treatment programs require
clude depression, posttraumatic stress disorder that the perpetrator admit to his behavior before re-
(PTSD). anxiety, and problems with sexual rela- lationships can continue. Since protection of the
tions (Elliot & Brierre. 1992). These problems child is paramount, they also require that the of-
may be exacerbated by the frequency of the abuse, fending parent not have unsupervised access to the
the kind of sexual activity, the age at onset, the children.
482 CHAPTER 28
Children who are being physically abused be, especially with young children. Most of the
may have intellectual impairments, learning prob- children who die from child abuse are under the
lems, difficulty concentrating in school, or devel- age of 5; of those, the largest percentage are under
opmental delays (Barnett et al., 1997). Children the age of 1 (USDHH, 1995). Sometimes, parents
who experience or witness abuse at home often ex- have unrealistic expectations about how a child
hibit aggressive behavior, which interferes with should behave. The clinician can coach parents on
both their school and social life. Attention needs to management of problem behaviors and help par-
be paid to emotional issues underlying these prob- ents to develop a sense of competency in dealing
lem behaviors. Very young children may not be with their children. Battered women often under-
able to express themselves verbally; older children estimate the amount of violence their children see.
often do not respond well to direct questions. Story When helped to realize how it affects the children,
telling, family puppets, and the use of art and dolls they usually take steps to reduce their exposure.
can be effective in gathering information (Gil, Women with young children who try to leave
1994). Play therapy and group therapy help chil- their abuser may face seemingly insurmountable
dren to develop their social skills and deal with obstacles. Cultural norms pressure women not to
their fears, anxiety, depression, and shame. break up the family: the extended family, especially
Ideally, all family members, including the that of the abusive husband, may not be supportive
abuser, should be involved in treatment. This does of her decision to leave. Mothers do not always re-
not always happen, and participation in a program ceive child support, and many are impoverished by
does not mean that the abuse will stop. Sometimes, divorce. Courts frequently refuse to consider spou-
it is necessary for a woman to end the relationship sal abuse an issue when considering custody. Fa-
to keep the children safe. The maintenance of a thers may try to manipulate the legal system to their
safe home, acknowledging the importance of the advantage in custody, alimony, child support and
abuser's relationships with all family members, and visitation negotiations. Finally, the woman's safety
the separation of the abuser from the victim until it may be in great jeopardy when she separates. These
is certain that contact will not result in the revictim- times are, in fact, the most dangerous for women
ization of the child are guidelines that apply to work and are the periods when they are most at risk for in-
with physically and sexually abused children and creased violence and fatal assault. Harassment,
those who witness domestic violence. threats, and abuse may continue in spite of divorce,
Therapists should have an understanding of separation, or restraining orders (Craven, 1996).
ethnicity, parenting beliefs, and stress levels. They
should explore support systems, including ex-
tended family and friends, who might be incorpo-
rated into treatment plans. While legal definitions • As a group, children between the ages of 12
of child abuse vary from state to state, all have and 15 have the greatest risk of any age group
mandatory reporting laws requiring clinicians to of being the victim of a violent crime (Bas-
notify the authorities if they suspect abuse. It is im- tian, 1995).
portant for a clinician to understand these laws and • Young Black men between the ages of 2 and 1
to know what kind of services child protective 24 are fourteen times more likely to be mur-
agencies can offer in their area. Couples with dered than the rest of the population (Bastian
young children need to know that disclosure of & Taylor, 1994).
psychological, physical, or sexual abuse requires • A recent study of teenage girls revealed that
action on the part of the therapist. one in four had been physically or sexually
Many parents feel that the use of physical abused (Lewin, 1997).
punishment is an appropriate way of disciplining a • Physical punishment remains more a part of
child but are not aware of how dangerous this can teenage life than has been realized. Straus
( 1994) reports that one third of daughters and bers usually share the same racial and ethnic
43 percent of sons recall being hit more than background. This can reinforce cultural identity, es-
six times a year during their adolescence. pecially in areas where the group is a minority.
Though usually thought of as an inner-city problem,
As adolescents strive for independence, ex- gangs are expanding in suburban and rural areas
plore their sexuality, and begin to develop new iden- (Moore. 1997).
tities, parents can no longer protect their children or Many young people experience violence in
themselves from the world outside their family and their educational and social environment as well as
often have a difficult time as children rebel and at home. The greatest health risk for teenage boys is
question their authority. In family systems in which violence from peers, while teenage girls are often
power and control are central dynamics, these con- abused by siblings and victimized by sexual harass-
flicts easily escalate into violence. While fewer ment in school, leading them to experience high lev-
child abuse cases involve adolescents, reports of els of depression, eating disorders, and suicide
abuse for this age group are believed to be greatly attempts (Lewin, 1997). One study exploring the
underestimated. Perhaps this is because adolescents phenomenon of teen pregnancy found that 70 per-
are perceived to be better able to defend themselves cent of fathers of children born to adolescent girls
or to deserve the punishments they receive (Barth & were adult males, not teenage boys (Males. 1992).
Derezotes. 1990; Gil. 1996). The truth is that they Many of these young mothers had an early history
and infants suffer the most severe injuries (Sedlak of sexual abuse. Teenagers who live in high-crime
& Broadhurst. 1996). Young people from violent areas are not only more frequently victimized; they
homes often leave early, getting themselves into also witness a great deal of violence, which can have
trouble because they home to escape,
left rather than severe psychological consequences (Fitzpatrick &
because they were ready to move on. Boldizar. 1993). Very few inner-city families go
Eliana Gil (1994) distinguishes two different through the adolescent phase without experiencing
types of parental abuse experienced by adolescents: a violent death or injury up close.
current abuse and cumulative abuse. Current abuse Gay and lesbian adolescents have an especially
is rooted in conflicts connected to this particular difficult time during adolescence as they struggle
stage of development, family crises, or inconsistent with sexual identity. In a homophobic society, the
parenting. Young people who have grown up in a first inkling of a homosexual orientation is cause for
supportive environment up to this point but are now intense anxiety and denial. Those who do come out
experiencing abuse have a chance to master the de- are ostracized and risk abandonment by their fami-
velopmental tasks of this stage through treatment lies and verbal and physical assault by their peers.
focused on communication, limit setting, parenting Those that don't come out suffer in silence.
skills, and boundaries. Adolescents who have expe- Many adolescents can be defiant and resistant
rienced a lifelong history of cumulative abuse have to therapy. Avoiding power plays with teens, giv-
different needs. They tend to suffer from depression, ing them space to discuss their many thoughts and
poor self-esteem, and anxiety and may have trouble feelings without immediate challenge, and setting
developing social skills. In school, they are more clear boundaries are approaches that can help them
likely to have attention and behavioral problems. to develop trusting relationships. Nonverbal forms
Their frustration and pain are often expressed of therapy, such as art. music, drama, and group
through acting-out behaviors. These youngsters are therapy can be especially helpful. Gil (1996) rec-
at greater risk for drug and alcohol abuse and have a ommends establishing an alliance through individ-
higher rate of delinquency (Barnett et al.. 1997). ual work with the adolescent before beginning
Gang membership is an appealing option for many. conjoint family therapy, which should be under-
Gangs serve as a pseudo- family, providing protec- taken cautiously and only as the adolescent can
tion, power, status, and in some cases profit. Mem- handle the work and the family is ready to be
484 CHAPTER 28
accountable. Therapists who work with adolescent and if the victim is isolated from friends, family,
clients must not make assumptions about their sex- and other sources of support (Andersen, Boulette.
ual orientation. Instead, they should provide infor- & Schwartz. 1991). Psychological abuse is always
mation about human sexuality in a supportive way. present in physically abusive relationships, though
There is a large network of organizations and com- physical assault may or may not be a part of psy-
munity programs that are designed to meet the spe- chological abuse. One particularly pathological
cial needs of young adults. Clinicians can utilize form of psychological abuse has sometimes been
these and incorporate them into treatment plans. referred to as "gaslighting," a reference to the clas-
sic movie Gaslight, in which the husband tries to
FAMILIES AT MIDLIFE drive his wife insane by telling her she is crazy any
time she notices the things he is doing in their re-
• Each year, 1.4 million women between the
lationship to mystify her. This is often done by
ages of 45 and 64 are physically abused by
husbands who deny their affairs and call their
their spouses (Wisconsin Coalition Against
wives '"paranoid" for their suspicions. Years of
Domestic Violence, 1995).
psychological abuse take their toll. Women in abu-
• Domestic violence frequently results in severe
sive relationships often suffer from low self-esteem,
injury. In one study of women reporting to an
feelings of powerlessness, major depression, anxi-
emergency room because of domestic vio-
ety, and PTSD (Gleason, 1993).
lence, 28 percent needed hospitalization and
An important part of work with women at this
13 percent needed major medical treatment
stage is identifying the abuse. The most widely held
(Berrios & Grady, 1991).
image of a battered woman is that of a young mother
Midlife is a time of major change. As children with small children (Brandl, 1995). Professionals
leave home, husbands and wives need to renegoti- usually don't consider domestic violence and psy-
ate their relationships with each other, their adult chological abuse when assessing a woman at this
children, and their grandchildren. Men's careers stage. Doctors don't question pat explanations of
are often at their peak. At the same time, women bruises and injuries. Clients themselves may have
freed from child care responsibilities may begin to become so used to the way they are treated that they
seriously develop their professional skills and in- don't consider the relationship abusive. Those with
terests. This is also a time of losses. Our culture's traditional attitudes may consider it normal for a
pairing of youth with beauty leaves little room for man to "lose his temper now and then." The power
middle-aged women. This perceived loss of attrac- wheel is again useful in detecting more subtle types
tiveness is troublesome for those to whom it has of abuse. Not all women at this stage are in long-
been a prime source of self-esteem and power. The term relationships. Some abuse may start in a sec-
loss of children can be painful, especially for ond marriage. For many though, their marriage rep-
women whose sole focus was on the home and resents an investment of twenty or thirty years.
child-rearing and who fear being left alone in an Divorce and separation can seem like a negation of
abusive relationship. The incidence of physical as- everything they value. Groups are especially helpful
sault often declines with age. Overt acts of vio- for women struggling with these issues and for rais-
lence may no longer be needed, as the husband's ing consciousness about the nature of psychological
control is so well established. This does not mean and physical dominance, while providing them the
that the relationship is no longer abusive. Often un- support and resources to confront it. Groups also
recognized is the spouse's ongoing verbal and psy- combat isolation and build self-esteem.
chological abuse. Threats, continuous criticism, A major concern for women at this stage is fi-
outbursts of rage, and jealousy can all be used to nances. They fear losing their home and health in-
keep a wife alert and focused on the needs of her surance (Brandl & Raymond, 1997). Abusive men
husband. Such behavior is especially effective if it often sabotage their wives' efforts at employment
is combined with occasional expressions of love and insist on maintaining total control of the fam-
MOM \( I WD HIE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 485
il\ finances (Raphael & Tolman. 1997). It is not grating images portraying old people as feeble and
unusual for wives not know what the couple's fi-
to helpless oi as sweet little old ladies and men. It in-
nancial assets are or even how to manage a check- volves a lack of power — less opportunity for em-
book. The therapist should assess what skills a ployment and lower income. It also involves the
wife will need to develop to ha\e confidence in her lack of resources and sen ices to meet their chang-
ability to function independently from a husband ing medical and life-style needs (Fullin. 1995 >. The
who has fostered dependence. natural support system for older adults begins to de-
Relationships with adult children may be teriorate as people retire from their jobs and spouses
strained when women decide to leave their
midlife and friends move or pass away. The cost of obtain-
marriage. Even children who have spent a lifetime ing the support necessary to maintain independent
watching their mother be victimized often become living is often prohibitive. Women make up the
emotionally distant, in part fearing that she w ill now greatest portion of this population, tend to have rel-
become dependent on them. They may feel that she atively low retirement incomes and thus find them-
deserves the abuse ("she's always nagging Dad"), or selves suddenly dependent on their adult children
they may become abusive to their mother them- and other family members for support. This is a
selves. Although they may have urged their mother difficult transition for both the elder adult and the
to leave for years, they can also have great difficult) entire family system. Earlier unresolved conflicts
letting her go or changing their perception of their often erupt between parents and children or betw een
parents* marriage. All of these issues need to be ad- siblings. As the parent's role changes from one of
dressed if adult children are going to be able to sup- power and authority to one of dependence, there is a
port their mothers' efforts. Adult children will need realignment of relationships among family mem-
to renegotiate their relationships w ith their fathers as bers. The so-called role reversal involves a shifl
well. Unfortunately, abusive men at this stage, as at in roles for everyone in the family. Daughters or
other phases in the life cycle, often use their children daughters-in-law usually become the primary care-
to control and manipulate their wives, sometimes givers and frequently find themselves torn between
threatening them w ith emotional or financial aban- their jobs, their own families, and aging relatives.
donment (Brandl. 1995). Many are seniors themselves and are beginning to
have health problems of their own A 63-year-old

OLDER FAMILIES diabetic may be caring for her 85-year-old mother
as well as her 65-year-old husband, who has a his-
• The Older Women's League (OWL) estimates
tory of cardiac problems. For this reason, more than
that more than million women age 65 and
1
at any other stage of the life cycle, it is essential to

older are victims of abuse each year (Wisconsin
work with the extended family. A well-made care
Coalition Against Domestic Violence. 1995).
plan worked out with the oldest daughter may be
• "After all she survived all these years, things
unworkable if the real power in the family lies with
have got to be slow ing down now that they are
the son who lives fifty miles away. To assess family
older." (Adult son. having trouble acknowl-
dynamics and understand the support network that
edging that his 78-year-old mother, was still
is already in place, genograms should include all
being bartered by her 82-year-old husband).
family members and those not connected by blood
• Abuse that is the result of caregiver stress is not
who are important in the everydaj life of the older
based in a belief system that it is acceptable to
adult. This may include the pastor, the doctor, the
use coercion, threats, and physical assault to
next-door neighbor, and/or the home health aide
control someone else's behavior (Brandl. 1995).
who comes in three da\s a week. This is especially
As people live longer, more suffer from health important in working with older adults of different
problems that interfere w ith their ability to function ethnic groups or sexual orientation. For example.
independently. Older adults are also systematically gay and lesbian elders often have an extensive net-
oppressed by ageism. Ageism is more than deni- work of friends who act as lamilv Because their
486 CHAPTER 28
sexual orientation has been considered a crime, a time alone in her room. She began to lose weight
sin, or a psychiatric illness, many same-sex partners and would sometimes forget to take her medica-
tion. Her plight was discovered only after she fell
may refuse to identify themselves as a couple. Cli-
and was hospitalized for a broken hip. At the time,
nicians can respect this need for privacy and focus
she was also suffering from dehydration, and her
on the level of support partners can provide (Cook- blood sugar level was dangerously high. Her nurse
Daniels, 1998). observed how anxious she became before Tom's
Definitions of elder abuse vary from state to visits. When he showed up at the hospital drunk
state and may include psychological and verbal and was verbally abusive to his grandmother, the
nurse called adult protective services. The worker
abuse as well as neglect, financial and physical
interviewed Mrs. Foley, who denied any problems
abuse. While technically this term would encom-
with Tom. The worker also met with Tom, who be-
pass wives who are being hit by their husbands or came quite defensive. He claimed that his grand-
adult children, the emphasis in the field has been mother was senile and none of her statements
that
on abuse that results from caregiver stress. The ex- could be believed. This made the social worker
perience of domestic violence for older women has more suspicious. She interviewed Mrs. Foley's
neighbors, who painted a clearer picture. They de-
been virtually ignored, and until recently, battered
scribed Tom's comings and goings and expressed
women shelters and services have also overlooked their concern about Mrs. Foley. The adult protec-
older women (Vinton, Altholz, & Lobell-Boesch, tive worker established rapport with Mrs. Foley
1997). In practice, the distinction between the two during her recovery, and the older woman gradu-
can be difficult to discern. But making that distinc- ally confided her problems with Tom. She was
tion is vital, since treatment plans designed to re-
given information about drug and alcohol addic-
tion and made aware of her legal rights. Since she
duce caregiver stress can actually end up blaming
had no other children or grandchildren, a niece and
the victim ("She's so difficult to care for that I
nephew were contacted and brought into counsel-
just lost my patience") and supporting the abuser ing. With their support, Mrs. Foley was able to
(Brandl & Raymond, 1997). confront her grandson and threatened to use legal
Ironically, older women are at greatest risk measures unless he left her home. She continued to
from people who are dependent on them —such as
have a warm and supportive relationship with her
sister's children and become more involved with
adult children or spouses with a history of drug or
their families.
alcohol abuse, mental illness, intellectual impair-
ment, and economic problems (Anetzberger, 1987; Spousal mistreatment at earlier life cycle stages
Bendik, 1992; Kosberg, 1988; Stone, Cafferata, & often foreshadows elder abuse, but the lack of such
Sangl, 1987). a history offers no assurance. Events at this phase
can increase tensions between a couple. Retirement,
Mis. Foley was an 83-year-old widow with diabe-
tes who lived alone in her small suburban home. health problems, and decline in sexual functioning
Her grandson Tom relocated from another state can make men whose identity is rooted in power and
and asked to live with her while he looked for a control feel threatened. Unfortunately, one of the
job. Tom was 44 and recently divorced. The last
easiest ways for men to feel empowered is by
time Mrs. Foley had seen Tom was eight years ear-
abusing family members, particularly their wives
lier at the funeral of his mother, Mrs. Foley's
daughter. Initially, she welcomed Tom, but after a (American Association of Retired Persons, 1993).
time, his behavior raised suspicion that he was us- Frequently, sudden behavioral changes are indica-
ing drugs and alcohol. He was sloppy and offered tive of health problems. Therefore, all cases of
no help around the house. He resented any criti- late-onset abuse require a careful medical assess-
cism from his grandmother and would respond
ment to detect cognitive changes and the side ef-
with a litany of complaints that he said his de-
fects of medication. The clinician should study the
ceased mother had had about her for years. By the
time Mrs. Foley became aware that her grandson dynamics between the couple. Warning signs are
was stealing from was too afraid and de-

her, she similar to those at other stages of the life cycle:
pressed to confront him. She spent more and more verbal abuse, possessiveness, control of finances,
unexplained brumes and injuries, and reluctance to personality changes, suspiciousness, withdrawal
allow the partner to speak for herself or himself or from previous activities, difficulty managing fi-
be inten iewed separately. Adult children and other nances, getting lost, minor automobile accidents,
family members may not be good informants. Many neglect of personal hygiene, and other changes in
adult children seem embarrassed and ashamed of daily activities ma.) be the earl) signs of dementia.
their parents' behavior and ma) not be aw are of the Often, family members do not recognize the sig-
abuse nor really believe that their parent is in dan- nificance of such changes and will make excuses
ger. Abused elders themselves ma.) be reluctant to or deny the extent of the deterioration. Sometimes.
tell a professional the problems the\ are having if the) will interpret the older person's inability to
they think it may be reported to a protective agency. function as willful andbecome angry and accuse
The fear of nursing home placement haunts those him or her of being stubborn and spiteful. This is
with chronic illnesses: some feel that it is better to particular!) difficult if the caregiver has previously
endure the abuse than to risk being taken from their had a conflicted relationship with the older person.
homes. For many older women, leaving a relation- The professional can sometimes fall into the same
ship is not a viable option because of the economic trap and may label an elder as uncooperath e and
realities they face and the traditional values they unwilling to be helped, when, in fact, the person's
embrace. Therapy can empower women who stay judgment may be too impaired to understand the
by helping them to recognize w hat they are experi- need for help. An assessment and planning session
encing as abuse and addressing its lifelong conse- w ith as many family present as possible can be im-
quences. Clinicians can provide information about portant, not only for clarifying the situation but for
abuse in later life, help older women to identify supporting all family members in their shared re-
their strengths, and validate the importance of their sponsibility and concern for the aging person.
w ork as wives and mothers. They can also encour- The experience of caring for someone with
age them to make safety plans and provide referrals dementia can be overwhelming and incredibly sad
to local resources (Brandl & Raymond, 1997 ). Gays for family members. Husbands may not recognize
and lesbians may have difficulty using many of the their wives; mothers may not recognize their chil-
sen ices that are usually prescribed for older adults. dren. Basic skills such as bathing, reading, or writ-
Fearing the frequent prejudice in traditional social ing are lost. Communication becomes more difficult
support systems, they may require special legal as language skills become impaired. Piece by piece,
counseling, since their relationships are often not le- the personality of the person with dementia seems
gally recognized (Cooke-Daniels. 1998). to disappear: yet the> are still there and require an
Older adults suffering from dementia are at ever-increasing level of care. The continued de-
gTeater risk for abuse, especially those who are ag- cline of a family member despite the best efforts of
gressive toward their caregivers (Cooney & Mor- those caring for the person, causes feelings of in-
timer 1995: Coyne. Reichman. & Berbig. 1993). adequacy, helplessness, and anger. Validating the
Dementia raises particularly thorny problems in sadness, anger, frustration, and fear that caregivers
assessment because patients may not be able to re- often feel helps to counter their burnout and frus-
member incidents of abuse, or they may suffer tration. It is important to normalize and reframe
from paranoid delusions that focus on mistreat- the patient's behavior. For example, a patient with
ment at the hands of a family member. They may Alzheimer's repeatedly accused his 83-year-old
refuse to eat or bathe, putting the caregiver in the spouse of having an affair. His wife was greatly
position of forcing them to cooperate or risk being relieved to learn that delusions of infidelity are
charged with neglect. Episodes of sudden belliger- common in people w ith dementia and that her hus-
ence may require physical intervention and re- band hadn't secretly harbored doubts about her
straints that can result in bruises, which may give throughout their 50-year marriage. In family coun-
the appearance of physical abuse. Behavioral or seling, caregiving tasks can be redistributed among
—
488 CHAPTER 28
family members. Options for the immediate situa- must be aware of these and work within those
tion and long-term care can be presented to every- guidelines.
one at the same time, and conflicts and concerns
can be discussed openly. This helps the family to
CONCLUSION
move forward as a whole and to keep the needs of
an aging parent from becoming the point of con- The study of family violence is relatively new, as is
tention among feuding relatives. Such approaches the very concept that it is a social problem. When
can actually help to prevent abuse by relieving we address the societal arrangements that foster vi-
family and caregiver stress before it escalates. olence and oppression, we are confronting norms
Interventions and treatment goals with abused and beliefs that are deeply rooted in the dominant
elders may be different from those at other stages of culture. These inequities have been formalized in
the life cycle. Home visits and extensive telephone law, and by religious institutions as if they were
work are important tools in providing care. Clini- sanctioned by God. They have become so widely
cians must work with their clients' natural support accepted that they have rarely been noticed, much
system. This may mean contacting the family doc- less questioned.
tor to understand health problems and the side ef- Victims of violence have more often been stig-
fects of medication or asking a neighbor to provide matized than supported. They have little legal re-
respite. It may also mean advocating with commu- course, and they often receive little support or
nity agencies especially those that provide concrete understanding even from their families and social cir-
services such as transportation or meals on wheels. cle.When we understand that violence is the abuse of
Family work will focus on realigning relationships power, we are able to recognize it in all its forms
with adult children and the abuser, dealing with physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse,
concerns about health and death, and providing economic, political, and social oppression. We call
concrete services. Older woman have tended not to on family therapists not to focus solely on the par-
use battered women's services, which are often not ticular emotional and psychological dynamics of in-
accessible to them nor designed to meet their needs dividual relationships and family systems, because
(Vinton et al., 1997). But they do use programs tai- this denies the impact of broader social forces on
lored especially for them, such as the Older Bat- our clients throughout their life cycles that may en-
tered Women's Project at the Wisconsin Coalition courage violence. We must enlarge our focus so that
Against Domestic Violence (Brandl, 1995; Vinton we can work together to support families to stop vi-
et al.. 1997). Elder abuse is a crime. Many states olence, develop nonviolent ways of resolving con-
have mandatory reporting laws and agencies to flicts, and challenge the values that have promoted
which incidents must be reported. The clinician and allowed violence to continue in our society.
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victims. In T. L. Jackson (Ed.). Acquaintance rape: doors: Violence in the American family. New York:
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sional Resource Exchange. tive research on men who batter. Journal of Inter-
Raphael. J.. & Tolman. R. < 1997). Trapped by poverty: personal Violence. 5(1). 87-1 18.
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Russell. D. E. H. 1 1990). Rape in marriage. Indianapolis. and self-blame attribution in adjustment to sexual
IN: Indiana Universit) Press assault.Psychology of Women Quarterly. 20(4),
Schwartz. M.. & De Keseredy, W. 1 1997 |. Sexual assault 505-526.
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port. Thousand Oaks. CA: Sage. A nation 's sliame: Fatal child abuse and neglect in
Sedlak & Broadhurst summary of the
1 1496). Executive the United States (Report of the U.S. Advisor)
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and Human Sen ices. Administration for Children U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. ( 1997).
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Shortland. R.. & Goodstein. L. (1992). Sexual prece- the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System.
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date rape and consensual sex. Personality and So- five-year follow up of domestic violence program-
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Spratlen. L. (1988). Sexual harassment counseling. Jour- and Aging. 9(1/2). 3-14.
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Services, 26(2 1.28-33. parental stress in physically abusive families. Child

Stacy, C. Schandel. L.. Flannery W. & Conlon. M. Abuse & Neglect. J 5(3). 279-291.
(1994 1. It's not all moonlight and roses: Dating vio- Wiehe. V. & Richards. A. ( 1995). Intimate betrayal: Un-
lence at the Unrversitj of Maine. 1982-1992. Col- derstanding and responding to the trauma of an ac-
lege Student Journal. 2<V( 1 1. 2-9. quaintance rape. Thousand Oaks. CA: Sage.
Stone. R. G.. Cafferata. G. L.. & Sangl. J. (1987). Care- Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence. ( 1995).
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why? Victimology: 2. 443-348. lessness. Clearinghouse Review. 25(4). 421—429.
Chapter 29
CHRONIC ILLNESS AND THE

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE
JOHN S. ROLLAND
When serious illness strikes, the dimension of time when we consider the impact of an illness on both
becomes a central reference point for families to a couple's relationship and each partner's individ-
successfully navigate the experience. The family ual development. The inherent skews that emerge
and each of its members face the formidable chal- between partners highlight the necessity to con-
lenge of focusing simultaneously on the present sider the interweaving of individual and family life
and future, mastering the practical and emotional cycle challenges (Rolland, 1994a, 1994b).
tasks of the immediate situation while charting a This chapter describes the Family Systems-
course for dealing with the complexities and un- Illness Model, a normative, preventive framework
certainties of their problem in an unknown future. for assessment and intervention with families that
Also, families draw on prior multigenerational ex- are facing chronic and life-threatening conditions
periences with illness and loss and core family be- (Rolland, 1984, 1987a, 1990, 1994a). This model
liefs to guide them. is based on the systemic interaction between an
Families and clinicians need an effective way illness and family that evolves over time. The
to tap into the dimension of time both to compre- goodness of fit between the psychosocial de-
hend issues of initial timing of an illness and to look mands of the disorder and the family style of func-
toward the future in a more proactive manner. Plac- tioning and resources are prime determinants of
ing the unfolding of chronic illness or disability successful versus dysfunctional coping and adap-
into a multigenerational developmental framework tation. The model distiguishes three dimensions:
facilitates this task. This requires understanding the (1) psychosocial types of disorders, (2) major
intertwining of three evolutionary threads: the ill- phases in their natural history, and (3) key family
ness, the individual, and the family life cycles. To system variables (Figure 29.1). A scheme of the
think systemically about the interface of these three systemic interaction between illness and family
developmental lines, we need a common language might look like the diagram in Figure 29.2. Fam-
and set of concepts that can be applied to each yet ily variables that are given particular emphasis in-
permits consideration of all three simultaneously. clude the family and individual life cycles,
Two steps lay the foundation for such a model. particularly in relation to the time phases of the
First, we need a bridge between the biomedical disorder: multigenerational legacies related to ill-
and psychosocial worlds — a language that enables ness and loss; and belief systems.
chronic disorders to be characterized in psychoso- The first section of this chapter reviews a
cial and longitudinal terms, each condition having psychosocial typology and time phases of illness
a particular personality and expected developmen- framework. Chronic illnesses are grouped accord-
tal life course. Second, we need to think simulta- ing to key biological similarities and differences
neously about the interaction of individual and that pose distinct psychosocial demands for the ill
family development. This is vividly demonstrated individual and his or her family, and the prime de-
492
CHRONIC ILLNESS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 493
disease with the individual and family life cycles

will be described. Finally, multigenerational as-
pects of illness, loss, and crisis are considered.
Time
THE SOCIAL CONTEXT OF ILLNESS
phases
AND DISABILITIES
It is important to state at the outset that families'
experiences of illness and disability are enor-

Illness type mously influenced by the dominant culture and the
larger health systems embedded in this prevailing
culture. Families from diverse minority and ethnic

Components of backgrounds and lower socioeconomic strata are
family functioning
disproportionately represented among the current
42 million uninsured and the additional 60 million
FIGURE 29.1 Three Dimensional Model: Illness
underinsured people in the United States (U.S.
Type, Time Phase, Famik Functioning
Census Bureau. 1997). For those with health cov-
Excerpted from: Rolland, "Chronic Illness and the Life
J. S.,
erage who are underinsured. a major illness often
C\cle: A Conceptual Framework,"Family Process, 26,
no 2, 203-221, 1987. Reprinted with permission from
means financial ruin. For millions with disabilities,
Family Process. the assistance that would enable independent Us-

ing is unobtainable. For these groups, a lack of ac-
velopmental time phases in the natural evolution cess to adequate basic health care has major
of chronic disease are identified. In the following ramifications in terms of the incidence of illness,
section, integrating key concepts from family and disease course, survival, quality of life, and a vari-
individual developmental theory, the interface of ety of forms of suffering caused by discrimination.
Family
Instrumental Affective Development Paradigm Transgenerational

style style (individual) (values) history
(family) illness/loss/crisis
(cohesion)
(adaptability)
(communication)
Practical Affective Developmental Meaning Historical data

demands demands (time phases) (control) (morbidity)
(psychosocial typology) (stigma) (mortality)
ness
FIGURE 29.2 Interface of Chronic Illness and the Familv

Excerpted from: Rolland, J. S. Family Systems and Chronic Illness: A Typological Model, Journal of
Psychotherapy and the Familv, vol 2, no 3, 143-168, 1987. Reprinted with permission from Family
Svstems Medicine.
494 CHAPTER 29
In a trend that has been worsening, over 33 percent to establish a medical diagnosis and treatment plan
of Hispanics and 20 percent of African Americans rather than the psychosocial demands on patients
were uninsured in 1997. For these minority and their families. We need a schema to conceptu-
groups, chronic diseases are more prevalent, will alize chronic diseases that remains relevant to both
occur earlier in the life cycle, and, when they oc- the psychosocial and biological worlds and pro-
cur, will have a worse course and prognosis be- vides a common language that transforms our
cause of inadequate medical care and limited usual medical terminology. Two critical issues
access to resources. Recent data showing that Af- have hindered us. First, insufficient attention has
rican Americans' life expectancy is seven years been given to the areas of diversity and commonal-
less than that of Whites give a glaring example of ity that are inherent in different chronic illnesses.
these larger societal issues. Second, there has been a glossing over of the dif-
Dedicated mental health professionals work ferent ways in which diseases manifest themselves
under severe constraints in helping affected fami- over the course of an illness. Understanding the
lies. In recent years, most forms of health coverage evolution of chronic diseases is hindered because
have severely limited mental health benefits. For clinicians often become involved in the care of an
the majority of families facing illness, this means individual or family coping with a chronic illness
that the longstanding difficulties of integrating at different points in the illness life cycle. Clini-
psychosocial services with traditional biomedical cians rarely follow families through the complete
care increase. life history of a disease. Chronic illnesses need to
As the population of the United States ages, be conceptualized in a manner that organizes these
the current 99 million people with chronic condi- similarities and differences over the disease course
tions will balloon to nearly 1 50 million by the year so that the type and degree of demands relevant to
2030 (see Chapter 18). With advances in technol- clinical practice are highlighted in a more useful
ogy, people will be living longer with chronic ill- way.
nesses, and the strain on families to provide The goal of this typology is to create clinically
adequate caregiving will become unprecedented. meaningful and pragmatic categories with similar
For example, in 1970, there were twenty-one po- psychosocial demands for a wide array of chronic
tential caregivers for each elderly person; by 2030, conditions affecting individuals across the life
there will be only six such potential caregivers for span. It conceptualizes broad distinctions of the
each senior citizen (U.S. Census Bureau, 1992). pattern of onset, course, outcome, type and degree
Many factors are involved, including decreasing of disability, and level of uncertainty. Although
birth rates; family networks that are getting each variable is in actuality a continuum, it will be
smaller and more top-heavy, with more older than described here in a categorical manner by the se-
younger family members; and women entering the lection of key anchor points.
workforce in increasing numbers and no longer be-
ing available for the traditional female role as un-
Onset
paid family caregiver. These facts suggest that
even the best family-centered systemic clinical Illnesses can be divided into those that either an
model will be inadequate unless the United States acute onset, such as strokes, and those that have a
develops a humane system of health care in which gradual onset, such as Alzheimer's disease. For
universal equitable care is a basic human right. acute-onset illnesses, emotional and practical
changes are compressed into a short time, requir-
ing of the family more rapid mobilization of crisis
PSYCHOSOCIAL TYPOLOGY OF ILLNESS
management skills. Families that can tolerate
The standard disease classification is based on highly charged affective states, exchange roles
purely biological criteria that are clustered in ways flexibly, problem solve efficiently, and utilize
outside resources will have an advantage in man- sense, the family is on call to enact a crisis struc-
aging acute-onset illnesses. Gradual-onset diseases, ture to handle exacerbations of the illness. Strain
such as Parkinson's disease, entail a more pro- on the family system is caused by both the fre-
tracted period of adjustment. quency of transitions between crisis and noncrisis

and the ongoing uncertainty about when a crisis
will next occur. The wide psychological discrep-

Course
ancy between periods of normalcy and flare-up is a
The course of chronic diseases can take three gen- particularly taxing feature that is unique to relaps-
eral forms: progressive, constant, or relapsing/ ing diseases.
episodic. With a progressive disease such as
Alzheimer's disease, the family is faced with a per-
Outcome
petually symptomatic member in whom disability
worsens in a stepwise or gradual way. Periods of The likelihood that an illness can be fatal or shorten
relief from the demands of the illness tend to be one's life span has profound psychosocial impact.
minimal. The family must live v> ith the prospect of The most crucial factor is the initial expectation of
continual role change and adaptation as the disease whether a disease is a likely cause of death. On one
progresses. Increasing strain on family caretakers end of the continuum are illnesses that do not typ-
is caused by exhaustion, with few periods of relief ically affect the life span, such as arthritis. At the
from the demands of the illness, and by new care- other extreme are illnesses that are clearly progres-
taking tasks over time. Family flexibility, in terms sive and usually fatal, such as metastatic cancer.
of both internal role reorganization and willing- An intermediate, more unpredictable category in-
ness to use outside resources, is at a premium. cludes illnesses that shorten the life span, such as
With a constant-course illness, the occurrence cystic fibrosis and heart disease, and those with the
of an initial event is followed by a stable biological possibility of sudden death, such as hemophilia. A
course. A single heart attack and spinal cord injury major difference between these kinds of outcome
are examples. Typically, after an initial period of is the degree to which the family experiences an-
recovery, the chronic phase is characterized by ticipatory loss and its pervasive effects on family
some clear-cut deficit or limitation. Recurrences life (Rolland, 1990, 1994a). The future expectation
can occur, but the individual or family faces a of loss can make it extremely difficult for a family
semipermanent change that is stable and predict- to maintain a balanced perspective. Families are
able over a considerable time span. The potential often caught between a desire for intimacy and a
for family exhaustion exists without the strain of push to let go emotionally of the ill member. A tor-
new role demands over time. rent of emotions can distract a family from the
Relapsing or episodic course illnesses, such as myriad of practical tasks and problem solving that
disk problems and asthma, are distinguished by the maintain family integrity. Also, the tendency to see
alternation of stable low-symptom periods with the ill family member as practically in the coffin
periods of flare-up or exacerbation. Often, the fam- can set in motion maladaptive responses that di\ est
ily can carry on a normal routine. However, the the ill member of important responsibilities. The
specter of a recurrence hangs over their heads. Re- result can be the structural and emotional isolation
lapsing illnesses demand a somewhat different sort of the ill person from family life. This kind of ps) -
of family adaptability. Relative to progressive or chological alienation has been associated with
constant-course illnesses, they may require the poor medical outcome in life-threatening illness
least ongoing caretaking or role reallocation. But (Campbell & Patterson. 1995; Derogatis. Abeloff.
the episodic nature of an illness may require a flex- & Melisartos, 1979: Schmale & Deer. 1971).
ibility that permits movement back and forth be- When loss is less imminent or certain, ill-
tween two forms of family organization. In a nesses that may shorten life or cause sudden death
496 CHAPTER 29
provide a fertile ground for idiosyncratic family in- into perspective and sustain hope are best prepared
terpretations. The "*it could happen" nature of these to avoid the risks of exhaustion and dysfunction.
illnesses creates a nidus for both overprotection by Other important attributes that differentiate
the family and powerful secondary gains for the ill illnesses should be considered in a thorough, sys-
member. This is particularly relevant to childhood temically oriented evaluation. These include the
illnesses such as hemophilia, juvenile-onset diabe- complexity, frequency, and efficacy of a treatment
tes, and asthma (Minuchin et al. 1975; Minuchin, regimen; the amount of home versus hospital-
Rosman, & Baker, 1978). based care required; and the frequency and inten-
sity of symptoms, particularly those that involve
pain and suffering.
Incapacitation
Disability can involve impairment of cognition

TIME PHASES OF ILLNESS
(e.g., Alzheimer's disease), sensation (e.g., blind-
ness), movement (e.g., stroke with paralysis), or Too often, discussions of coping with cancer, man-
stamina (e.g., heart disease); disfigurement (e.g., aging disability, or dealing with life-threatening ill-
mastectomy); and conditions associated with social ness approach illness as a static state and fail to
stigma (e.g., AIDS). The extent, kind, and timing of appreciate the dynamic unfolding of illness as a
incapacitation imply sharp differences in the degree process over time. The concept of time phases pro-
of family stress. For instance, the combined cogni- vides a way for clinicians and families to think lon-
tive and motor deficits caused by a stroke necessi- gitudinally and to understand chronic illness as an
tate greater family role reallocation than does a ongoing process with expectable landmarks, tran-
spinal cord injury that leaves cognitive abilities un- sitions, and changing demands. Each phase of an
affected. In some illnesses, such as stroke, disabil- illness poses its own psychosocial demands and de-
ity is often worst at the beginning. In progressive velopmental tasks that require significantly differ-
diseases, such as Alzheimer's disease, disability ent strengths, attitudes, or changes from a family.
looms as an increasing problem in later phases of The core psychosocial themes in the natural history
the illness, allowing the family more time to dis- of chronic disease can be described in three major
cuss and prepare for anticipated changes and an phases: crisis, chronic, and terminal (Figure 29.3 on
opportunity for the ill member to participate in dis- page 498).
ease-related family planning. The crisis phase includes any symptomatic pe-
By combining the kinds of onset, course, out- riod before diagnosis and the the initial period of re-
come, and incapacitation into a grid format, we adjustment after a diagnosis and initial treatment
generate a typology that clusters illnesses accord- plan. This period holds a number of key tasks for the
ing to similarities and differences in patterns that ill member and family. Moos (1984) describes cer-
pose differing psychosocial demands (Table 29.1). tain universal, practical, illness-related tasks, in-
cluding learning to cope with any symptoms or
disability, adapting to health care settings and treat-
Uncertainty
ments, and establishing and maintaining workable
The predictability of an illness and the degree of relationships with the health care team. There are
uncertainty about the specific way or rate at which more general, existential na-
also critical tasks of a
it unfolds overlay all the other variables. For ill- ture. The family needs to create a meaning for the
nesses with highly unpredictable courses, such as illness that maximizes a sense of mastery and com-
mulitple sclerosis, family coping and adaptation, petency. Members must grieve for the loss of the life
especially future planning, are hindered by antici- they knew before illness. They need to gradually ac-
patory anxiety and ambiguity about what will hap- cept the illness as permanent while maintaining a
pen. Families that can put long-term uncertainty sense of continuity between their past and their
TABLE 29.1 Categorization of Chronic Illnesses by Psychosocial Type
INCAPACITATING NONINCAPACITATING
ACUTE GRADUAL ACUTE GRADUAL
PROGRESSIVE Lung cancer with Acute leukemia Cystic fibrosis*
CNS metastases Pancreatic cancer
AIDS Metastatic breast
F
Bone marrow failure cancer
•\
Amyotrophic lateral Malignant melanoma
T
A sclerosis Lung cancer
L Liver cancer
RELAPSING Incurable cancers in
remission
PROGRESSIVE Emphysema Juvenile diabetes*

S
Alzheimer's disease Malignant
H
P
O Multi-infarct hypertension
R dementia Insulin-dependent
O T Multiple sclerosis adult-onset diabetes
s
E (late)
S
N Chronic alcoholism
I
E
B Huntington's chorea
L
D
Scleroderma
Y
L
RELAPSING I
Angina Early multiple Sickle cell disease* Systemic lupus
F
F sclerosis Hemophilia* erythematosis*
A
E Episodic alcoholism
T
A
CONSTANT S Stroke P.K.U. and other Mild myocardial Hemodialysis treated
L
P Moderate/severe congenital errors of infarction renal failure
A myocardial metabolism Cardiac arrhythmia Hodgkin's disease
N infarction
PROGRESSIVE Parkinson's disease Noninsulin-

Rheumatoid arthritis dependent adult-
Osteoarthritis onset diabetes
RELAPSING Lumbosacral disc Kidney stones Peptic ulcer

disorder Gout Ulcerative colitis
Migraine Chronic bronchitis
N
O Seasonal allergy bowel
Irritable
N Asthma syndrome
F Epilepsy Psoriasis
A
CONSTANT T Congenital Nonprogressive Benign arrhythmia Malabsorption
A malformations mental retardation Congenital heart syndromes
L Spinal cord injury Cerebral palsy disease Hyper/hypothyroidism
Acute blindness Pernicious anemia
Acute deafness Controlled
Survived severe hypertension
trauma & burns Controlled glaucoma
Posthypoxic
syndrome
* = Early
Source: Reprinted from Rolland, |. S. (1984). Toward a psychosocial typology of chronic and life-threatening ill-
ness. Family Systems Medicine, 2, 245-62. Reprinted with permission of Family Systems Medicine.
498 CHAPTER 29
Crisis Chronic Terminal

Phases
Prediagnosis Initial Chronic Preterminal Mourning and

with symptoms adjustment "long haul" resolution of loss
period
FIGURE 29.3 Time Line and Phases of Illness
From: Rolland, ). S. Families, Illness and Disability: An Integrative Treatment Model. New York: Basic
Books, 1 994.
future. They must pull together to cope with the im- Families that adapt best to this phase are able to
mediate crisis. In the face of uncertainty, they need shift their view of master)' from controlling the ill-
to develop flexibility toward future goals, reorient- ness to a successful process of letting go. Optimal
ing their hopes and dreams. coping involves emotional openness as well as
The chronic phase, whether long or short, is dealing with the myriad of practical tasks at hand.
the time span between the initial diagnosis/read- This includes seeing this phase as an opportunity
justment and the potential third phase when issues to share precious time together, to acknowledge
of death and terminal illness predominate. This era the impending loss, to deal with unfinished busi-
can be marked by constancy, progression, or epi- ness, and to say goodbyes. If they have not de-
sodic change. It has been referred to as "the long cided beforehand, the patient and key family
haul" and "day-to-day living with chronic illness" members need to decide about such things as a liv-
phase. Often, the patient and family have come to ing will; the extent of medical intervention de-
grips psychologically and organization ally u ith sired: preferences about dying at home, in the
permanent changes and have devised an ongoing hospital, or at hospice: and wishes about a funeral
modus operandi. The family's ability to maintain and memorial service. For illnesses such as heart
the semblance of a normal life with a chronic ill- disease, in which death can occur at any time, or
ness and heightened uncertainty is a key task of with progressive conditions that can increasingly
this period. If the illness is fatal, this is a time of impair mental functioning (e.g.. Alzheimer's dis-
living in limbo. For certain highly debilitating but ease), it is vital that these conversations are en-
not clearly fatal illnesses, such as a massive stroke couraged much earlier in the illness.
or dementia, the family can feel saddled with an Critical transition periods link the three time
exhausting problem without end. Paradoxical ly. a phases. Transitions in the illness life cycle are times
family may feel that its only hope to resume a nor- when families reevaluate the appropriateness of
mal life can be realized after the death of their ill their previous life structure in the face of new :
ill-
member. The maintenance of maximum autonomy ness-related demands. Unfinished business from the
for all family members in the face of protracted ad- previous phase can complicate or block movement
versity is a key developmental task that helps to through the transitions. Families or individuals can
offset these trapped, helpless feelings. become permanently frozen in an adaptive structure
In the terminal phase, the inevitability of that has outlived its usefulness (Penn. 1983). For ex-
death becomes apparent and dominates family ample, the usefulness of pulling together in the cri-
life. The family must cope with issues of separa- sis phase can become maladaptive and stifling for
tion, death, mourning, and resumption of family all family members over a long chronic phase. En-
life beyond the loss (Walsh & McGoldrick. 1991). meshed families, because of their rigid and fused
style, would have difficulty negotiating this delicate The model clarifies treatment planning. First,
transition. Because high cohesion may be typical goal setting is guided by awareness of the compo-
and not dysfunction in some cultures, clinicians nents of family functioning that are most relevant
need to be cautious not to pathologize a normative to particular types or phases of an illness. Sharing
cultural pattern. A family that is adept at handling this information with the family and deciding upon
the day-to-day practicalities of a long-term stable specific goals provide a better sense of control and
illness but limited in its emotional coping skills may realistic hope to the family. This process empowers
encounter difficulty if their family member's dis- families in their journey of living with a chronic
ease becomes terminal. The relatively greater de- disorder. Also, this knowledge educates the family
mand for affective coping skills in the terminal about warning signs that should alert them to call at
phase compared to the chronic phase may create a appropriate times for brief, goal-oriented treatment.
crisis for a family navigating this transition. The framework is useful for timing family
The interaction of the time phases and typol- psychosocial checkups to coincide with key transi-
ogy of illness provides a framework for a nor- tion points in the illness life cycle. Preventively
mative psychosocial developmental model for oriented psychoeducational or support groups for
chronic disease that resembles models for human patients and their families (Gonzales, Steinglass,
development. The time phases (crisis, chronic, and & Reiss, 1989) can be designed to deal with differ-
terminal) can be considered broad developmental ent types of conditions (e.g., progressive, life-
periods in the natural history of chronic disease. threatening, relapsing). Also, brief psychoeduca-
Each period has certain basic tasks independent of tional modules, timed for critical phases of partic-
the type of illness. Each type of illness has specific ular types of diseases, enable families to digest
supplementary tasks. manageable portions of a long-term coping pro-
cess. Modules can be tailored to particular phases
of the illness life cycle and family coping skills
Clinical Implications
that are necessary to confront disease-related de-
This model provides a framework for assessment mands. This provides a cost-effective preventive
and clinical intervention with a family facing a seri- service that also can identify hign-risk families.
ous health problem. It facilitates a grasp of chronic The model provides a context into which to
illness and disability in psychosocial terms. Atten- integrate other aspects of a comprehensive assess-
tion to features of onset, course, outcome, and in- ment. This would involve evaluation of a range of
capacitation provide markers that focus clinical common and illness-specific family dynamics in
assessment and intervention with a family. For in- relation to the psychosocial type and time phases
stance, acute-onset illnesses demand high levels of of illness. Other important components of an ill-
adaptability, problem solving, role reallocation, and ness-oriented family assessment that are beyond
balanced cohesion. In such circumstances, help- the scope of this chapter include the family's belief
ing families to maximize flexibility enables them system (Rolland, 1998; Wright, Watson, & Bell,
to adapt more successfully. 1996): the meaning of the illness to the family; the
An illness timeline delineates psychosocial family's medical crisis planning; the family's ca-
developmental stages of an illness, each phase pacity to perform home-based medical care; and
with its own unique developmental tasks. It is im- the family's illness-oriented communication, prob-
portant for families to address phase-related tasks lem solving, role reallocation, emotional involve-
in sequence to optimize succcessful adaptation ment, social support, and availability and use of
over the long haul of a chronic disorder. Therefore, community resources (see Rolland, 1994a).
attention to time allows the clinician to assess fam- Using this typological and developmental
ily strengths and vulnerabilities in relation to the model of illness, we can now address the interface
present and future phases of the illness. of illness, individual, and family development.
500 CHAPTER 29
INTERFACE OF THE ILLNESS, INDrVIDUAL, basis of the key choices an individual/family made
AND FAMILY LIFE CYCLES during the preceding transition period.
Different stages of the family life cycle coin-
To place the unfolding of chronic disease into a decide with shifts between family developmental tasks
velopmental context, it is crucial to understand the that require intense bonding or an inside-the-family
intertwining of three evolutionary threads: the ill- focus, as in the "families with young children"
ness, the individual, and the family life cycles. To child-rearing stage, versus stages such as "launch-
facilitate dialogue, a language is needed that ing children and moving on" during which the
bridges these developmental threads. Two over- external family boundary is loosened, often empha-
arching concepts are that of a life cycle and that of sizing personal identity and autonomy (Combrinck-
life structure. Graham, 1985). In life cycle terms, this suggests
Early life cycle frameworks assumed that a fit between family developmental tasks and the
there was a basic sequence and unfolding of the relative need for family members to direct their en-
life course within which individual, family, or ill- ergies inside the family and work together to ac-
ness uniqueness occurs. More recent thinking has complish those tasks.
modified the notion of an invariant epigenetic pro- These unifying concepts provide a base to dis-
cess in light of the major influences of cultural, so- cuss the fit among illness, individual, and family de-
cioeconomic, gender, ethnic, and racial diversity velopment. Each phase in these three kinds of life
(see Chapter 1). Illness, individual, and family de- cycle poses tasks and challenges that move through
velopment have in common the notion of phases, periods of being more or less in sync with each
each with its own developmental tasks. Carter and other. It can be useful to distinguish (1) between
McGoldrick have divided the family life cycle into child-rearing and non-child-rearing phases in the
eight phases, in which marker events (e.g., mar- family life cycle, (2) the alternation of transition and
riage, birth of first child, last child leaving home) life structure-building/maintaining periods in all the
herald the transition from one phase to the next. Ill- life cycles, and (3) periods of higher and lower psy-
ness is a significant marker event that can both chosocial demands over the course of a chronic ill-
color the nature of a developmental period and be ness or disability.

colored by its timing in the individual and family Generally, illness and disability tend to push
life cycle. individual and family developmental processes
Life structure refers to the underlying pattern toward transition and increased cohesion. Analo-
or design of a person or family's life at any given gous to the addition of an infant member at the
point in the life cycle, composed of various com- beginning of the child-rearing phase, the occur-
mitments (e.g., job, child-rearing, religious affil- rence of chronic illness sets in motion an inside-
iation, leisure) and their relative importance. the-family-focused process of socialization to ill-
Levinson (1978, 1986), in his description of indi- ness. Symptoms, loss of function, the demands of
vidual adult development, describes how individu- shifting or new illness-related roles, and the fear of
als' and families' life structures can move between loss through death all require a family to pull to-
periods of life structure transition and building/ gether. This inward pull of the disorder risks differ-
maintaining. Transition periods are sometimes the ent normative strains depending on timing with the
most vulnerable because previous individual, fam- family's and individual members' phases of devel-
ily, and illness life structures are reappraised in opment. In clinical assessment, a basic question is
light of new developmental tasks that may require "What is the fit between the psychosocial demands
major discontinuous change rather than minor al- of a condition and family and individual life struc-
terations (Hoffman, 1989). The primary goal of a tures and developmental tasks at a particular point
life structure-building/maintaining period is to in the life cycle?" Also, how will this fit change as
form a life structure and enrich life within it on the the course of the illness unfolds in relation to the
family life cycle and the development of each fice. A recent case of a family at the "Family with
member? young children" phase illustrates this point.
Scott and his wife Molly presented for treatment

Periods of Child-Rearing and Postlaunching six months after Scott had sustained a severe bum
If illness onset coincides with the launching or injur) to both hands that required skin grafting. A
year of recuperation was necessary before Scott
postlaunching phases of the family life cycle, it can
would be able to return to his job, which required
derail a family's natural momentum. Illness or dis-
physical labor and full use of his hands. Before this
ability in a young adult may require a heightened
injury. Molly had been at home full time raising
dependency and return to the family of origin for
their two children, ages 3 and 5. In this case, al-
caretaking. Each family member's autonomy and though Scott was temporarily handicapped in
individuation are jeopardized. The young adult's terms of his career, he was physically fit to assume
ability to establish a life away from home is threat- the role of househusband. Initially, both Scott and
ened. Both parents may have to relinquish budding Molly remained at home, using his disability in-
interests outside the family. Family dynamics as come to get by. When Molly expressed an interest
well as severity of the condition will influence in finding a job to lessen financial pressures. Scott
whether the family's reversion to a child-rearing- resisted, and manageable marital strain caused by
his injury flared into dysfunctional conflict.
like structure is a temporary detour or a permanent
Sufficient resources were available in the s\ stL-m
reversal. Since enmeshed families frequently face
to accommodate the illness and ongoing child-rear-
the transition to a more autonomous launching/
ing tasks. Their definition of marriage lacked the
postlaunching phase with trepidation, a serious ill-
necessary role flexibility to master the problem.
ness provides a sanctioned reason to return to the
Treatment focused on rethinking his masculine and
"safety" of the child-rearing period. monolithic definition of "family provider." a defi-
Disease onset that coincides with the child- nition that had, in fact, emerged in full force during
rearing phases in the family life cycle, such as the this phase of the family life cycle.
"families with young children" stage, can foster a

prolongation of this period. At worst, the family If the disease affecting a parent is severely de-
can become permanently stuck at that phase and bilitating (e.g.. traumatic brain injury, cervical spi-
enmeshed. When the inward pull of the illness and nal cord injury), its impact on the child-rearing
the phase of the life cycle coincide, there is a risk family is twofold. A "new" family member is
that they will amplify one another. In families that added, one parent is essentially lost to the illness,
function marginally before an illness begins, this and the other's presence may be diminished by care-
kind of mutual reinforcement can trigger a run- giving demands, thereby creating the semblence
away process leading to overt family dysfunction. of a single-parent family with an added child. In
Minuchin et al.'s 1975, 1978) research of psycho-
( acute-onset illnesses, both events can occur simul-
somatic families has documented this process in taneously, in which case family resources may be
several common childhood illnesses. inadequate to meet the combined child-rearing and
When a parent develops a chronic disease dur- caregiving demands. In this situation, families
ing the child-rearing phases of the life cycle, the commonly turn to other children and extended-
family's ability to stay on course is most severely family members to share responsibilities. This can
taxed. For more serious conditions, the impact of become dysfunctional for children to the extent to
the illness is like the addition of a new infant mem- which they sacrifice their own developmental
ber, one with special needs that will compete with needs or a developmental detour for grandparents
those of the real children for potentially scarce who must relinquish newly achieved freedom from
family resources. In psychosocial^ milder health parenting to resume child care. Yet, we need to be
problems, efficient reallocation of roles may suf- cautious not to pathologize these structural changes.
502 CHAPTER 29
which may be necessary, for instance, in a single- versed the normal postlaunching process for all
parent household or may be culturally normative family members. His advancing illness required his
expressions of loyalty in some ethnic groups. wife to take a second job, which necessitated giving
If we look at chronic diseases in a more re- up her many involvements with their church. Their
son and his wife moved back home to help his

fined way through the lens of the illness typology
mother take care of his father and the house. Mr. L.,
and time phases, it is readily apparent that the de-
unable to work and deprived of his athletic social
gree of inward pull varies enormously, with impor-
network, was isolated at home and spent his days
tant effects on the family life cycle independent of
watching television. He felt that he was a burden to
family dynamics. The tendency for a condition to everyone, was blocked in his own midlife develop-
pull a family inward increases with the level of dis- ment and future plans with his wife, and foresaw a
ability or risk of death. Progressive diseases over future filled only with suffering.
time inherently require greater cohesion than dis- The goal of family treatment in developmental
orders with a stable, constant course. The continu- terms centered on reversing some of the system's
ous addition of new demands as an illness overreaction back to a more realistic balance. For
progresses keeps a family's energy focused inward Mr. L., this meant both coming to terms with his
losses and fears of suffering and death and identify-
on the illness. In contrast, after a modus operandi
ing the abilities and possibilities that were still
has been forged, a constant-course disease (ex-
available to him. This involved reworking his life
cluding those with severe disability) permits a
structure to accommodate his real limitations while
family greater flexibility to enter or resume life cy-
maximizing his chances of remaining independent.
cle planning. As the following case in the post- For instance, although Mr. L could no longer par-
launching phase illustrates, the added inward pull ticipate on the playing field, he could remain in-
exerted by a progressive disease increases the risk volved in sports through coaching. For Mrs. L. and
of reversing normal family disengagement or her son, this meant developing realistic expecta-
freezing a family into a permanently fused state: tions for Mr. L. that reestablished him as an active
family member with a share of family responsibili-
Mr. L., a 54-year-old African American, had be- ties. This helped the mother and son to resume key
come increasingly depressed as a result of severe aspects of their autonomy within an illness-family
and progressive complications of his adult-onset system.

diabetes over the past five years, including a leg
Relapsing illnesses alternate between periods
amputation and renal failure that had recently re-
of drawing a family inward and periods of release
quired instituting home dialysis. For twenty years,
from the immediate demands of disease. However,
Mr. L. had had an uncomplicated constant course,
allowing him to lead a full, active life. He was an the on-call state of preparedness that many such
excellent athlete and engaged in a number of rec- illnesses require keeps some part of the family in a
reational group sports. Short- and long-term fam- higher cohesion mode despite medically asymp-
ily planning had never focused on his illness. This tomatic periods. Again, this may impede the natu-
optimistic attitude was reinforced by the fact that ral flow of phases in the family life cycle.
two people in Mrs. L.'s family of origin had had di- One way to think about the time phases of ill-
abetes without complications. Their only child, a
ness is in terms of their involving a progression
son (age 26), had uneventfully left home after high
from a crisis phase requiring intensified cohesion
school and had recently married. Mr. and Mrs. L.
to a chronic phase often demanding less cohesion.
had a stable marriage, in which both maintained
many outside independent interests. In short, the
A terminal phase forces most families back into
family had moved smoothly being more inwardly focused and cohesive. In
into the postlaunching
phase of the life cycle.
other words, the "illness life structure," that a fam-
Mr. L.'s disease transformation to a progressive ily develops to accommodate each phase in the ill-
phase, coupled with the incapacitating and life- ness life cycle is influenced by the differing needs
shortening nature of his complications, had re- for cohesion dictated by each time phase. For ex-
ample, in a family in which the onset of the illness lemma of choice for the son and the family. This
has coincided with a postlaunching phase of devel- was additionally complicated for this family,
opment, the transition to the chronic phase permits which had worked hard to move out of the housing
projects and ensure that the children could get a
a family to resume more of its momentum.
good education for a better future.
Life Cycle Transition Periods In this case, there was a fundamental clash be-
tween developmental issues of individuation and
Clinicians need to be mindful of the timing of the
family dreams for the next generation at the
onset of a chronic illness in terms of family and in-
launching phase of the family life cycle and the on-
dividual transitions. Chronic conditions may pre-
going demands of progressive chronic disability
cipitate the loss of the family's preillness identity.
on the family. This vignette demonstrates the po-
They force the family into a transition in which one
tential collision between simultaneous transition
of the family's main tasks is to accommodate the
periods: the illness transition to a more incapacit-
anticipation of further loss and possibly untimely
ing and progressive course, the adolescent son's
death. When onset of a condition coincides with a
transition to early adulthood, and the family's tran-
transition in the family or individual life cycle, one
sition from the "living with teenagers" to "launch-
ma\ expect that issues related to previous, current,
ing young adults" stage. This example also
and anticipated loss will be magnified. Transition
illustrates the significance of the type of illness. An
periods are often characterized by upheaval, re-
illness that was relapsing or less life-threatening
thinking of previous and future commitments, and
and incapacitating (in contrast to one with a pro-
openness to change. This poses a greater risk that
gressive or constant course) might have interfered
the illness may become unnecessarily embedded
less with this young man's separation from his
or inappropriately ignored in plans for the next de-
family of origin. If his father had an intermittently
velopmental phase. This can be a major precursor
incapacitating illness, such as disk disease, the son
of family dysfunction in chronic disease. By might have moved out but tailored his choices to
adopting a longitudinal perspective, a clinician can
remain nearby and thus available during acute
stay attuned to future transitions, particularly over-
flare-ups.
laps in those of the illness, individual, and family
life cycles.
The following example highlights the impor-
Life Structure-Maintaining Periods
tance of the illness in relation to future develop-
mental transitions: Illness onset that coincides with a life structure-
building/stable period in family or individual de-
In one Hispanic family, the father, a carpenter and velopment presents a different challenge. These
primary financial provider, had a mild heart attack. periods are characterized by the living out of
He also suffered from emphysema. At first, his choices that were made during the preceding tran-
level of impairment was mild and stabilized. This sition period. Relative to transition periods, the co-
allowed him to continue part-time work. Because hesive bonds of the family and individual members
their children were all teenagers, his w ife w as able
are oriented to protect the family unit's and their
to undertake part-time work to help maintain fi-
own current life structures. Milder conditions
nancial stability. The oldest son, age 15. seemed
(nonfatal, only mildly disabling i may require some
relatively unaffected. Two years later, die father
revision of individual or family life structure but
experienced a second, more life-threatening heart
attack and became totally disabled. His son. now not a radical restructuring that would necessitate a
17. had dreams of going away to college. The shift to a transitional phase of development. A se-
specter of financial hardship and the perceived vere chronic illness w ill force families into a more
need for a "man in the family" created a serious di- complete transition at a time when individual and
504 CHAPTER 29
family inertia is to preserve the momentum of a member can profoundly affect the developmental
stable period. To successfully navigate this kind of goals of another member. For instance, disability
crisis, family adaptability requires the ability to in an infant can be a serious roadblock to a
transform their entire life structure to a prolonged mother's mastery of child-rearing, and a life-
transitional state. threatening illness in a young adult can interfere

For instance, in the previous example, the fa- with the well spouse's readiness to become a par-
ther's heart disease rapidly progressed while the ent. Also, family members frequently do not adapt
oldest son was in a transition period in his own de- equally well to chronic illness. Each family mem-
velopment. The nature of the strain in develop- ber's ability to adapt and the rate at which he or she
mental terms would be quite different if his father's does so are directly related to the individual's own
disease progression had occurred when this young developmental stage and role in the family (Ireys
man was 26, had already left home, had finished & Burr, 1984).
college and secured a first job, and had married The timing of chronic illness in the life cycle
and had his first child. In the latter scenario, the can be normative or nonnormative ("off-time").
oldest son's life structure would be in an inwardly Coping with chronic illness and death are consid-
focused, highly cohesive, "Families with young ered normally anticipated tasks in late adulthood,
children" stage of the life cycle. Fully accommo- whereas their occurrence earlier is out of phase and
dating the needs of his family of origin could re- tends to be developmentally more disruptive
quire a monumental shift of his developmental (Neugarten, 1976). As untimely events, chronic
priorities, creating a potential crisis regarding his diseases can severely disrupt the usual sense of
loyalty to his family of origin and his new nuclear continuity and rhythm of the life cycle. Chronic
family. When this illness crisis coincided with a diseases that occur in the child-rearing period can
developmental transition period (age 17), having be most devastating because of their potential im-
made no permanent commitments, he might have pact on family financial and child-rearing respon-
felt very threatened about losing his status as a sibilities (Patterson, 1988). The actual impact will
"singleyoung adult" to a caregiving role that could depend on the type of illness and the preillness
become his permanent life structure. Later, in his roles of each familymember.
mid-twenties, he would have made developmental The notion of "out-of-phase" illnesses can be
choices and would have been in the process of liv- conceptualized in a more refined way that high-
ing them out. Not only would he have made com- lights patterns of strain related to time. First, since
mitments, but also they would also be more highly diseases excerpt an inward pull on most families,
cohesive in nature, focused on his newly formed they can be more developmentally disruptive to
family. To serve the demands of an illness transi- families in the "Families with adolescents," or
tion, the son might have needed to shift his previ- "launching children" stages of development. Sec-
ously stable life structure back to a transitional ond, the period of transition generated by the onset
state. And the shift would have happened out of of a serious illness is particularly "out of phase" if
phase with the flow of his individual and nuclear it coincides with a stable, life structure-maintain-
family's development. One precarious way to re- ing period in the individual or family's life cycle.
solve this dilemma of divided loyalties might be Third, if the particular illness is progressive, re-
the merging of the two households. lapsing, increasingly incapacitating, and/or life-
This discussion raises several key clinical threatening, then the unfolding phases of the dis-
points. From a systems viewpoint, at the time of di- ease will be punctuated by numerous transitions.
agnosis, it is important to know the phase of the Under these conditions, a family will need to more
family life cycle and the stage of individual devel- frequently alter their illness life structure to ac-
opment of all family members, not just the ill commodate shifting and increasing demands of
member. First, illness and disability in one family the disease. This level of demand and uncertainty
CHRONIC ILLNESS AND THF. FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 505
keeps the illness in the forefront of a family's con- portunity is vital for families dealing with chronic
sciousness, constantly impinging upon their at- disorders.

tempts to get back in phase developmentally
Finally, the transition from the crisis to the chronic
MULTIGENERATIONAL EXPERIENCES
phase of the illness life cycle is often the key junc-
WITH ILLNESS, LOSS, AND CRISIS
ture at which the intensity of the family's socializa-
tion to li\ing with chronic disease can be relaxed. A family's current behavior cannot be adequateK
In this sense, it offers a w indovt of opportunit} for comprehended its history (Boszormem i-
apart from
the famiK to recover its de\elopmental course. Nagy & Bowen. 1978: Byng-Hall.
Sparks. 1973:
Confronted by illness and disability, a famiK 1988: Framo. 1992: Paul & Grosser. 1965: Walsh
should aim. above all. to deal with the develop- & McGoldrick. 1991). This is particularly ger-
mental demands of the illness without forcing fam- mane to families that face a chronic condition. A
iK members to sacrifice their own or the famiK 's historical inquiry may help to explain and predict
development as a system. It is important to deter- the family's current style of coping and adaptation
mine whose life plans were canceled, postponed, and the creation of meaning about an illness. A
or altered and when plans put on hold and future multigenerational assessment helps to clarify areas
de\elopmental issues will be addressed. In this of strength and vulnerability and identifies high
way, clinicians can anticipate life cycle nodal risk-families who. burdened by unresolved issues
points related to autonomy within the condition and dysfunctional patterns transmitted across time,
versus subjugation to it. Families can be helped to cannot absorb the challenges presented by a seri-
strike a healthier balance w ith life plans as a way to ous condition.

minimize overall famiK strain and relationship A chronic illness-oriented genogram focuses
skews between caregivers and the ill member. It is on how a family organized itself and adapted as
most useful to assist families to resolve feelings of an evolving system around previous illnesses and
guilt, overresponsibility. and hopelessness and find unexpected crises in the current and previous
family and external resources to enhance freedom generations. Patterns of coping, replications, dis-
both to pursue their own goals and to provide continuities, shifts in relationships (i.e.. alliances,
needed care for the ill member. triangles, cut-offs i. and sense of competence are
Early in the experience of illness, families noted (McGoldrick & Gerson. 1985). These pat-
have particular difficulty appraising the need for terns are transmitted across generations as family
temporary detours or permanent changes in life cy- myths, taboos, catastrophic expectations, and be-
cle plans. Once de\elopmental plans are derailed, lief systems (Seaborn. Lorenz. & Kaplan. 1992:
the inherent inertia of chronic conditions makes it Walsh 6c McGoldrick. 1991 ). A central goal is to
more difficult to find one's original path. This un- bring to light areas of consensus and learned dif-
derscores the importance of timely psychoeduca- ferences (Penn. 1983) that are sources of cohesion
tion for families. Also, the process by which life and conflict. Also, it is useful to inquire about
cycle decisions are reached is particularly impor- other forms of loss (e.g.. divorce, migration), crisis
tant. Significant factors include gender-based or (e.g.. lengthy unempolyment. rape, a natural disas-
culturally defined beliefs about who should as- ter), and protracted adversity ie.g.. poverty, racism,
sume primary responsibility for caregiving. Cul- war. political oppression). These experiences can
tures and families are quite diverse in their provide sources of resilience and effective coping
expectations about the relative priority of sacrifice skills in the face of a serious health problem.
for the family in time of need versus protecting Since ethnicity, race, and religion strongK in-
personal goals and plans. A forward-thinking clin- fluence how families approach health and illness,
ical philosophv that uses a life cycle perspective as any multigenerational assessment should include
a way of gaining a positive sense of control and op- inquiry into these areas (McGoldrick. Pearce. &
506 CHAPTER 29
Giordano, 1996). As professionals, we need to be of Navajo, give one example of a Navajo daughter
mindful of the cultural differences between our- describing how the risks of bypass surgery were
selves, the patient, and the family. The different explained to her father: "The surgeon told him that
ethnic backgrounds of the adults in a family or he may not wake up. that this is the risk of every
between a family, professionals, and systems of surgery. For the surgeon was very routine, but the
it
health care may be a primary reason for discrepan- way that my Dad received it, it was almost like a
cies in beliefs that emerge at the time of a major ill- death sentence, and he never consented to the sur-
ness. This is especially common for minority gery" (p. 828).
groups (e.g., African American, Asian, and His-

panic) that experience discrimination or marginal-
Illness Type and Time Phase Issues
ization from our prevailing White Anglo culture.
Significant ethnic differences, particularly health The typology of illness and time phases frame-
beliefs, typically emerge in such areas as: work helps focus the clinician's multigenerational
evaluation. Whereas a family may have certain
1. beliefs about control.
standard ways of coping with any illness, there
2. the definition of the appropriate "sick role,"
may be critical differences in their style and suc-
3. the kind and degree of open communication
cess in adaptation to different types of disorders. It
about the disease,
is important to track prior family illnesses for areas
4. who should be included in the illness caretak-
of perceived competence, failures, or inexperi-
ing system (e.g., extended family, friends, pro-
ence. A family may disregard the differences in de-
fessionals),
mands related to different kinds of illnesses and
5. who the primary caretaker is (almost always
thus may show a disparity in their level of coping
women), and
with one disease versus another. Inquiry about
6. the kind of rituals that are viewed as norma-
similar and different types of illnesses (e.g.. life-
tive at different stages of an illness (e.g., hos-
threatening versus non-life-threatening) may find,
pital bedside vigils, healing and funeral rituals)
for instance, that a family dealt successfully with
(Imber-Black, 1991).
non-life-threatening illnesses but reeled under the
Health and mental health professionals should weight of the mother's metastatic breast cancer.
become familiar with the belief systems of various Such a family might be well equipped to deal with
ethnic, racial, and religious groups in their com- less severe conditions, but it might be particularly
munity, particularly as these translate into different vulnerable if another life-threatening illness were to
behavior patterns during illness. For example, tra- occur. Another family may have experienced only
ditional Navajo culture holds that thought and lan- non-life-threatening illnesses and need psychoedu-
guage have the power to shape reality and control cation to successfully cope with the uncertainties
events (Carrese & Rhodes, 1995). In other words, particular to life-threatening conditions. Such in-
language can determine reality. From the Navajo quiry clarifies areas of family strength and vulnera-
world view, discussing the potential complications bility in facing a particular type of disorder. A recent
of a serious illness with a newly diagnosed Navajo family consultation highlights the importance of
patient is harmful and strongly increases the like- family history in uncovering areas of inexperience:
lihood that such complications will occur. This be-
Joe, his wife Ann, and their three teenage children
lief system clashes dramatically with those of
presented for a family evaluation ten months after
health professionals (backed by powerful legal
Joe's diagnosis with moderate-severe asthma. Joe
imperatives) that mandate explaining possible (age 44) had been successfully employed for many
complications or promoting advance directives re- years as a spray painter. Apparently, exposure to a
garding the limits of medical care desired by the ill new chemical in the paint triggered the onset of
family member. Carrese and Rhodes, in their study asthmatic attacks that necessitated hospitalization
CHRONIC II 1 \hSS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 507
and job disability. Initially, his physician told him Angela, her husband Bill, and their 8-year-old son
that improvement would occur but remained non- Mark, an Italian Catholic, working-class family,
committal as to the level of chronicity. Although presented for treatment four months after Angela
somewhat improved, Joe continued to have per- had been injured in a life-threatening head-on auto
sistent and moderate respirator) symptoms. His collision. The driver of the other vehicle was at
continued breathing difficulties contributed to a fault. Angela had sustained a serious concussion.
depression, uncharacteristic tempermental out- Initially, the medical team was concerned that she
bursts, alcohol abuse, and family discord. might have suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. Ulti-
During the initial assessment. I inquired about mately, it was determined that this had not occurred.
the family's prior experience coping with chronic Over this time. Angela became increasingly de-
disease. This was the nuclear famils 's first encoun- pressed and, despite strong reassurance, continued
ter with chronic illness. In their families of origin. to believe that she had a life-threatening condition
they had limited experience. Ann's father had died and would die from a brain hemorrhage.
seven years earlier of a sudden and unexpected During the initial evaluation, she revealed that
heart attack. Joe's brother had died in an accidental she was experiencing vivid dreams of meeting her
drowning. Neither had had experience w ith disease deceased father. Her father, with whom she had
as an ongoing process. Joe had assumed that im- been extremely close, had died from a cerebral
provement meant cure. had meant
Illness for both hemorrhage after a four-year history of a progres-
either death or recovery. The physician and family sive debilitating brain tumor. His illness had been
system were not attuned to the hidden risks for this marked by progressive and uncontrolled epileptic
family going through the transition from the crisis seizures. Angela was 14 at the time and was the
to chronic phase of his asthma — the juncture at '"baby" in the family, her two siblings being more
which the permanency of the disease needed to be than ten years her senior. The family had shielded
addressed. her from his illness. This culminated in her mother
deciding to not have Angela attend either the wake
Another crucial issue was the onset of the fa- or the funeral of her father. This event galvanized
ther's disability during their children's adoles- her position as the child in need of protection —
dynamic that carried over into her marriage. De-
cence and the looming launching phase of the
spite her hurt, anger, and lack of acceptance of her
family life cycle. In these situations, adolescents
father's death, she had avoided dealing with her
may become symptomatic (e.g.. acting-out behav-
feelings with her mother for over twenty years.
ior, school problems, or drug use) as a way of cop-
Other family history revealed that Angela's
ing with their fears of loss of their father or
mother's brother had died from a sudden stroke,
conflicts about moving ahead with personal goals and her maternal grandfather had died of a stroke
if family loyalty expectations requires them to as- when her mother was seven years old. Her mother
sume caregiving roles. had experienced an open casket wake for three days
Tracking a family's coping capabilities in the at home.
crisis, chronic, and terminal phases of previous In this situation. Angela's own life-threatening
chronic illnesses can highlight legacies of strength, head injury triggered a catastrophic reaction and
and a history of difficulties at a specific time phase dramatic resurfacing of previous unresolved trau-
matic losses involving similar types of illness and
can alert a clinician to potentially vulnerable peri-
injury. In particular, her lather's, uncle's, and
ods for a family over the course of the current
grandfather's deaths by central nervous system dis-
chronic illness. A family that was seen in treatment orders had sensitized her to this type of problem.
illustrates the interplay of problems coping with a
The fact that she had witnessed the slow, agonizing,
current illness that are fueled by unresolved issues
and terrifying downhill course of her father only
related to disease experiences in one's family of heightened her catastrophic fears.
origin. The type of illness and unresolved compli- Therapy focused on a series of tasks that in-
cations in the terminal phase are critical features of cluded Angela initiating a series of conversations
this case. with her mother about her feelings of having been
508 CHAPTER 29
excluded from her father's funeral and about the Mr. and Mrs. S. had been married for nine years
pattern of mutual protection between mother and when their 6-year-old son Jeff developed child-
daughter over the years. Angela, then wrote a good- hood-onset diabetes. Mrs. S. became very protec-
bye letter to her father, experiencing the grief that tive of her son and made frequent calls to their
she had bypassed for so many years. It was partic- pediatrician expressing persistent concerns about
ularly important to include her husband throughout Jeff's condition. This occurred despite Jeff's doing
this phase of treatment because her grief directly well medically and emotionally and frequent reas-
stimulated his own anxiety about the threatened surances from the physician. At the same time, the
loss of his own aging parents. The final stage of previously close marital relationship became more
treatment involved a graveside ritual in which An- distant, characterized by Mrs. S. arguing with her
gela, with her family of origin and nuclear family husband and Mr. S. actively distancing himself
present, read her goodbye letter to her father. from his wife and son.
In Mrs. S.'s family of origin, she had grown up
with a tyrannical, alcoholic father. She had wit-
Replication of System Patterns nessed intense conflict between her parents. Dur-
ing her childhood and adolescence, Mrs. S. had
For any significant chronic illness in either adult's
tried to "rescue" her mother. To counterbalance
family of origin, a clinician should try to get a pic-
her victimized mother, she tried to tend to her
ture of how those families organized themselves
mother's needs and cheer her up. She talked fre-
to handle the range of disease-related emotional
quently to her family physician about the situation
and practical tasks. It is important for a clinician home. However, she
at felt that she had failed at
to find out what role each played in handling these this, since her mother continued over the years to
tasks. Whether the parents (as children) were be stuck and depressed.
given too much responsiblity (parentified) or Mr. S. grew up in a family in which his father had
shielded from involvement is of particular impor- disabling heart disease. His mother devoted a great
tance. What did they learn from those experiences deal of time to taking care of his father. Not to fur-
that influences how they think about the current ther burden his parents, he raised himself, main-
illness? Whether they emerge with a strong sense taining distance from the primary caretaking
of competence or failure is essential information.

relationship between his parents. He stoically
viewed this strategy as having been successful. He
By collecting the above information about each
supported his mother's caregiving efforts by mostly
adult's family of origin, one can anticipate areas
taking care of his own needs.
of conflict and consensus.
With their son's illness. Mrs. S.. burdened by
Evaluation of the system that existed and
feelings of guilt at being a failed rescuer, had a sec-
evolved around a prior illness includes assessment ond chance to "do it right" and assuage her guilt.
of the pattern of relationships within that system. The diabetes gave her this opportunity, and it is a
In many families, relationship patterns are adap- culturally sanctioned normative role for a parent,
tive, flexible, and cohesively balanced. In other particularly a mother, to protect an ill child. These
families, these relationships can be dysfunction- factors, her unresolved family of origin issues, and
ally skewed, rigid, enmeshed, disengaged, and/or the culturally sanctioned roles promoted the en-
triangulated. As Penn (1983) and Walker (1983) meshment that developed with her son.
In this situation. Mr. S.. though outwardly ob-
have described, unresolved issues related to illness
jecting to the coalition between his wife and son.
and loss frequently remain dormant and suddenly
honors that relationship, as if it would make up for
reemerge triggered by a chronic illness in the cur-
the one he forfeited with his own mother. Further,
rent nuclear family. Penn describes how particular
despite his unmet needs as a child, he believes that
coalitions that emerge in the context of a chronic the structure, and his role in it. had worked. Both
illness are isomorphs of those that existed in each Mr. and Mrs. S. have replicated their particular po-
adult's family of origin. The following case is an sitions in triangles from their families of origin. In
example: a complementary way. Mrs. S. is a rescuer in a co-
alition and Mr. S is m the distant position in the tri- highly enmeshed intractable systems. Morbidity
angle they create M nh their son. is high and may be expressed in a poor medical
course and compliance issues, divorce, or child
The roles of each person in this triangle fit tra- and adolescent behavioral problems.
ditional cultural norms. The mother is appropri- Reenactment of previous system configura-
ately concerned and tending to her ill child. The tions around an illness can occur largely as an un-
father is in the more distant instrumental provider conscious, automatic process (Byng-Hall, 1988).
position. For this reason, it can be more difficult Further, the dysfunctional complementarity that
for a clinician to ferret out a traditional pattern one sees in these families can emerge specifically
from the beginnings of a dysfunctional reenact- within the context of a chronic disease. On detailed
ment of family of origin patterns developed around inquiry, couples will frequently reveal a tacit un-
prior experiences with illness, crisis, or loss. Early spoken understanding that if an illness occurs, they
assessment of multigenerational patterns such as will reorganize to reenact unfinished business from
these helps to distinguish normative from prob- their families of origin. Typically, the roles that are
lematic responses. Further, it helps to identify the chosen represent a repetition or reactive opposite
source and degree of commitment to gender-de- of roles that they or the same-sex parent in their
fined caregiving roles. Particularly in crisis situa- family of origin played. This process resembles the
tions such as illness onset, couples may fall back unfolding of a genetic template that is activated
on traditional divisions of labor. The climate of only under particular biological conditions. It
fear and uncertainty itself is a powerful stimulus to highlights the need for a clinician to distinguish
seek the familiar, time-tested methods of coping. between what constitutes functional family pro-
This is reinforced if traditional gender-defined cess with and without illness or disability. For fam-
roles worked well in prior situations of illness or ilies that present in this manner, placing a primary
crisis. Or, as this case highlights, a sense of failure therapeutic emphasis on the resolution of family of
around a gender-based role can act as a powerful origin issues might be the best approach to prevent
push toward reenactment in the current situation. or rectify an unhealthy triangle.
In this case. Mrs. S. is driven to reenact the role of Distinct from families with dormant, encap-
emotional rescuer, a typically female role that she sulated illness "time bombs" are those in which
felt she had failed at with her mother in relation to illnesses become imbedded within a web of perva-
her father's chronic alcoholism. Psychoeduca- sive and longstanding dysfunctional transactions.
tional guidelines can help her to distinguish what In this situation, clinicians may collude with a
forms and degree of responsiveness are appropri- family's resistance to addressing preexisting prob-
ate from those that are excessive and unhelpful. lems by focusing excessively on the disease itself.
Also, tasks for the husband and couple jointly If this occurs, a clinician becomes involved in a de-
would be useful to increase a more balanced, touring triangle with the family and the patient,
shared involvement in the burdens of a chronically analogous to the dysfunctional triangles formed by
ill child. This would counteract the peripheral po- parents with an ill child as a way to avert unre-
sition of the father. solved marital issues (Minuchin et al.. 1975.
In this case, early referral by the pediatrician 1978). When a chronic condition reinforces preex-
was essential to prevent entrenchment of a long- isting family dysfunction, the differences between
term dysfunctional relationship pattern. At this the family's illness and nonillness patterns are less
early stage, the parents were able to reflect upon distinct. In the traditional sense of the term "psy-
the situation, recognize the connection to family of chosomatic," this kind of family displays a greater
origin issues, and disengage from a destructive level of baseline reactivity: when an illness enters
path. If these kinds of cases are not detected early, its system, this reacth ity gets expressed somatically
they typically progress over a period of years to through a poor medical course and/or treatment
510 CHAPTER 29
noncompliance (Griffith & Griffith, 1994). own father had died tragically at age 43 and he had
Such families lack the foundation of a functional felt an overpowering conflict about surviving past
nonillness system that can serve as the metaphori- that age.
cal equivalent of a healthy ego in tackling family of Knowledge of such age-related multigenera-
origin patterns around disease. The initial focus of tional patterns can alert a clinician to risks of un-
therapeutic intervention may need to be targeted diagnosable pain syndromes and somatization,
more at current nuclear family processes than at compliance issues, blatantly self-destructive be-
multigenerational patterns. haviors, and realistic fears that may emerge at the
Many families facing chronic conditions have time of a diagnosis of an illness or a particular
not had dysfunctional multigenerational patterns stage of the patient's life cycle. A brief interven-
of adaptation. Yet any family may falter in the face tion timed with an approaching intergenerational
of multiple disease and nondisease stressors that anniversary date is very useful preventively in this
affect it in a relatively short time. With progressive, type of situation.
incapacitating diseases or the concurrence of ill-
nesses in several family members (e.g., families CONCLUSION

with aging parents), a pragmatic approach that ex-
This chapter offers a conceptual base for thinking
pands the use of resources outside the family is
about the system created at the interface of chronic
most productive.
illness with the family and individual life cycles. A
psychosocial typology and time phases of illness
Life Cycle Coincidences across Generations
framework facilitate a common language for
A coincidence of dates across generations is often bridging the worlds of illness, individual, and fam-
significant. We often hear statements such as "All ily development. This developmental landscape is
the men in my family died of heart attacks by the marked by periods of transition, periods of living
age of 55." This is a multigenerational statement of out decisions and committments, and periods of
biological vulnerability and a legacy and expecta- child-rearing and non-child-rearing. What emerges
tion of untimely death. In one case, a man who was is the notion of three intertwined lines of develop-
vulnerable to stomach ulcers began to eat indis- ment in which there is continual interplay of life
criminately and drink alcohol excessively, despite structures to carry out individual, family, and ill-
medical warnings, when he reached the age of 43, ness phase-specific developmental tasks. Families'
precipitating a crisis requiring surgery. His failure multigenerational paradigms related to chronic
to comply with treatment created a life-threatening disease, crisis, and loss play upon these three inter-
situation. It was only after his recovery and upon woven developmental threads, adding their own
his forty-fourth birthday that he remarked that his texture and pattern.
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Chapter 30.
INTERACTIONS BETWEEN
THE THERAPIST'S AND CLIENT'S
LIFE CYCLE STAGES
STEVE LERNER
The family life cycle model developed by Carter may become overly aloof and distant or, alterna-
and McGoldrick (1980, 1988; see also Chapter 1) may end up in a power struggle with the
tively,
provides a richly contextualized, multidimensional family. Whatever the error tendency of a particular
framework for understanding the movement of the therapist, it is useful to examine one's functioning
family through time. This framework helps us to through the wide-angle lens of the family life cycle
locate the points at which the chronic background model.
anxiety in a family is likely to coincide with the For example, what unresolved life cycle strug-
acute stress of navigating a current life cycle tran- gle of the therapist's may now be interacting with
sition. These are the times in family life when that of the family, fueling a therapeutic impasse?
symptoms and dysfunction are most likely to How might anxiety from other similarities and dif-
emerge, in both our own and our clients' families. ferences add to the problem in the therapy? Can
These crucial transitions in family life are problem serve as a signal that,
the therapeutic
viewed as being inextricably linked to the socio- when heeded, may result in renewed growth for
cultural context in which family life is embedded. both the therapist and the clinical family?
Factors such as gender, race, class, ethnicity, and Many therapists have studied their own fami-
sexual orientation shape the nature of the playing lies of origin as part of their professional training.
field on which life cycle transitions are negotiated. They have worked to identify and modify their part
In this chapter, I focus on the intersection be- in multigenerational patterns, with an eye toward
tween the therapist's life cycle stage and that of the navigating family relationships and life cycle tran-
family in treatment — a key dimension of the fit be- sitions with greater clarity, objectivity, and calm.
tween therapist and family as the clinical process Those of us who have worked diligently on our
unfolds (Simon, 1988). More specifically, I pro- own families may mistakenly believe that we have
pose that when the therapist brings unresolved is- "done that" and can now focus single-mindedly on
sues from a past or current life cycle stage into the the family life cycle of the families we work with.
clinicalwork with a family that is struggling to Often, we will be reminded that we cannot leave
navigate that same life cycle stage, predictable ourselves out of the picture when we encounter
problems may emerge. pronounced similarities or differences between our
Some therapists zoom in zealously to remake own lives and those of our clients.
the client in the image of their own wished-for but

unachieved resolution of a particular life cycle is-
DIMENSIONS OF SIMILARITY BETWEEN
sue, overfunctioning for the client's family as they
THERAPIST AND CLIENT
continue to underfunction in their own. Others will
become ineffective, fuzzy thinkers, underfunction- Figure 30. 1 lists the family life cycle stage as one
ing for both themselves and the family. A therapist of many important dimensions on which the thera-
512
INTERACTIONS BETWEEN THE THERAPISTS AND CLIENTS LIFE CYCLE STAGES 513
Multigenerational history BRIEF SCENARIOS: COMPLEX THERAPIST-

Unresolved emotional issues with significant FAMILY LIFE CYCLE INTERACTIONS
others
The potential complexity of therapist-family life
Typical ways of managing stress
cycle interactions is further illustrated by the fol-
Other family patterns and legacies
lowing vignettes.
Sibling position
Family life cycle Ann, a middle-aged White therapist, recently came
Age out to her family after entering her first serious
Current life events

live-in relationship w ith a woman. Her father has
not yet accepted her sexual orientation and has re-
Health
fused to meet her partner. This situation is very
Culture
painful for Ann. who worries that she could lose
Gender
her relationship with her father, who is in failing
Race health. She also feels responsible for the escalating
Class tensions in her parents' marriage as they become
Ethnicity increasingly polarized around the issue of accept-
Sexual Orientation ing her lesbianism.
Religion Ann is now working with a White client who is
Politics seriously dating an African American man. Her cli-
Community, work system, friendship circle ent w ants to tell her parents about this relationship
but fears that her father, in particular, will not get
FIGURE 30.1 Interfacing Dimensions between past his racist response. The client's family is re-
Therapist and Family plete w ith w ay of managing

cut-offs as a patterned
conflict and differences. How might Ann's own is-
sues and anxieties about the coming out process in-

fluence her work with this client?
pist and client will be more or less similar — or out
of sync. When life cycle stages intersect for the Don. a White therapist in his twenties, is the
therapist and the clinical family, the therapist can youngest child in his upper-middle-class family.
His father initiated a divorce when Don was 1 5. fol-
be at the same stage, an earlier stage, or a later
low ing the discovery of his w ife's affair. Don began
stage than the family. The details of a particular
li\ing with his father after the separation and has
stage in the therapist's life and that of the family
never truly modified his angry, distant relationship
(say. the birth or the launching of children ) may be with his mother. He is now seeing a working-class
very similar or very different. The match between African American couple who are contemplating
the therapist and the clinical family on variables separation after the wife's affair came out into the
such as race, ethnicity, gender, class, sibling posi- open. Their youngest son has just turned 15. What
tion, and sexual orientation will also influence the obstacles might Don face as he not only deals v, ith
degree to which the life cycle issues become emo- the gulf posed by racial, class, and life cycle differ-
tionally loaded in therapy. For example, a young ences, but also is confronted head-on w ith all that is
White therapist, herself the youngest in her own evoked from his own past?
family, finds herself dealing with an older Mexi-

Kathy. an Irish American therapist in her fifties,
can American couple, both first-borns, who are
lost her mother in a car wreck when she was 12 and
caring for their aging parents. The therapist might
is now the same age that her mother was when she
suffer from an over* helming sense of "juniority" Kathy and her older brother were "protected"
died.
in the therapy process as her age. ethnicity, birth from the facts about the accident, which was
order, and lack of life experience combine to shrouded in layers of secrecy. Her mother had been
foster feelings of incompetence, both real and intoxicated and caused the crash, which also killed a
imagined. young child in another car. Almost from the moment
514 CHAPTER 30
Kathy*s mother's funeral ended, her memory was parents' marriages — or who deny the enormous
gradually erased because of the family's shame impact of gender on every aspect of personal and
about her alcoholism and its terrible cost. Their fa- work life — will be limited in helping families to
ther remarried within the year, and the children were navigate the complexities of life with young chil-
instructed to call their new stepmother "Mom."
dren and the marital renegotiations that are re-
Now Kathy is beginning work with an Italian
quired to make things work.
American family in which the mother is dying of
complications of diabetes. The parents are grief-
stricken and worried about their depressed children SHE NURTURES/HE EARNS:
but very reluctant to permit an outsider to help
THE THERAPISTS TRANSITION
them with the enormous tragedy they face. How can
GETS IN THE WAY
Kathy find a way to connect with this family and
help them open up their reactions to this upcoming The following case was presented by a therapist in
loss of a mother, and how might Kathy 's regrets and a small supervision group that met twice monthly.
anxiety about her own past influence her work? The contract was that supervisees presented clini-
How might Kathy 's ethnicity and that of the clinical cal cases and their families of origin. My theoreti-
family interact to make this therapy process more
cal framework as the supervisor was Bowen family
difficult (McGoldrick, Giordano, & Pearce, 1996)?
systems theory, informed by feminist theory, and
the family life cycle model of Carter and McGold-
rick (1980, 1988).
FAMILIES WITH YOUNG CHILDREN:
Alan, the therapist, was seeing a married
A COMPLEX INTERSECTION
woman who had two young children who had
A life cycle stage that is particularly challenging sought help after a period of increasing depression.
is that of the family with young children (see She was distressed about an upcoming move to an-
Chapter 15). With the birth of the first child, a pro- other city precipitated by her husband's transfer to
found realignment of family relationships occur. the headquarters of his company, which was to
The whole family diagram shifts one notch upward, take place in six months. She was upset about the
and every family member gets a new name: hus- prospect of leaving her circle of close women
band and wife become father and mother; siblings friends and her parents and sisters, who lived
become uncles or aunts; parents become grandpar- nearby. Before having children, she had worked
ents: grandparents become great-grandparents. full time, and she remembered those years with
The marital couple faces the largest challenge nostalgia as a time when she felt free to pursue her
as they adjust to their new roles. Many equal part- dreams. Currently, she had a part-time job that she
nerships succumb to the powerful tidal pull of the enjoyed and had found an excellent child care sit-
previous generation's far less equitable gender uation that would be impossible to duplicate, since
roles and expectations (Lerner, 1998). Even the it included her mother caring for her children two
most pioneering of couples will struggle with the afternoons a week. She had tentative plans to pur-
enormous challenges of this stage and are often left sue more education but had put her career goals on
with unresolved dissatisfaction stemming from the hold since the children arrived.
compromises and accommodations that began after Alan empathized with her sadness and asked
the first childwas born. The marital relationship be- some good questions: What did she know about
comes the crucible in which the seeds of inequality the new city? Had she visited there with her hus-
and disillusionment grow, resulting in early divorce band and researched the work and educational
or the later dissolution of the marriage when the opportunities and child care options? But in the
children are adolescents or have been launched. therapist's mind, the move was a given, which was
Therapists who are not actively examining the precisely how his depressed client saw it. So there
pervasive impact of gender on their own and their were certain questions Alan did not ask.
He did not ask: How was

move the decision to quickly conveyed the underlying message that the
What impact did
negotiated between the couple? move could not. and should not, be questioned. It
her husband's income and earning power (he was as if he were saying, "Cheer up. its not that bad.
earned 90 percent of the family's income) have on and besides, with a little elbow grease, you'll have
the decision process? How did she understand the almost as good a situation in the new city." I added
fact that she has acted as though she had no option that he also did not locate the client's depression, or
but to reflexively go along with the move, which the move itself, in any larger context: her marriage,
she called a "fait accompli"? her family of origin, or her life cycle stage.
I suggested that Alan's current life cycle issues
(i.e., the marital tension surrounding his wife's de-
Supervision
cision to resume full-time work) were interfacing
In supervision. I asked Alan to consider the simi- w ith his client's in a way that was impeding his ob-
larities and differences between the clinical cou- jectivity. To move toward a clearer frame of refer-
ple's way of navigating their current life cycle ence on his own life cycle transition and that of the
transition, and the way in which he and his wife client. I encouraged Alan to open up a discussion
handled their own. with each of his parents about the way in which de-
Alan and his wife, both first-borns, had one 2- cisions were made in their own relationship, with
year-old child. His wife had cut back from a full- particular reference to the four career moves.
time position at a magazine to do freelance work
w hen their baby was born. At the current time, she
Family of Origin Data
had decided to go back to work, as her old job has
been offered to her. The couple had been arguing Alan's father told him that there had never been
over how to divide household and child care re- any question but that the family would move when
sponsibilities if she took the position, and Alan just his job changed. Like his father before him. he had
didn't see how it could work. Before having a seen himself as the provider for the family. "That's
child, Alan believed in shared parenting but now just the way life was back then." his father said.
he did not want his child "raised by a stranger." "Your mother and I never questioned it."
Also, he made S90 an hour, while his wife would When Alan talked to his mother, he learned that
make only S 16 an hour in her new position. He said. she had questioned the moves but only — to herself.
"Given the high cost of child care, and the reality of The moves had been extremely difficult for her. "I
how little her job pays. I really wish she'd stay with started to feel like a refugee, like my grandmother
the freelance work for a few more years." Alan ad- from Poland, but I didn't see any alternative." She
mitted that he felt anxious and defensive when his revealed that she had become quite depressed when
wife talked about resuming full-time work. the fourth move took the family sufficiently far from
Alan's own parents followed the traditional her home town that she could no longer easily visit
path: His mother nurtured and his father earned. her own parents. Her mother had also been upset to
Their family moved four times because of his fa- lose her close connection to her grandchildren. At
ther's career, and to his knowledge, his mother that point. Alan's mother had thought of staying be-
never objected. Alan had no idea w hether either of hind, but for a number of reasons, it had seemed like
them had ever considered another arrangement or an impossible choice. By the time retirement came
how the traditional path suited them. along, she had become more assertive in the mar-
riage. She had been working outside of the home for

several years, which she continued to do after her
Supervisory Feedback
husband retired. Over time, largely as a result of her
In response to Alan's presentation of his clinical growing independence and her husband's mellow-
case, a female supervisee commented that he had ing in later life, the decision-making process had
516 CHAPTER 30
shifted to much more of a partnership than it had over decades. Seeing the same family navigate
been before. In a later conversation, she said to successive life cycle stages offers a unique learn-
Alan, "I might have considered divorce at the time ing experience for both the therapist and the clini-
of the fourth move if it had been as common as it is cal family. For the therapist, long-term contact can
today. But on the other hand, I never really protested provide direct longitudinal experience with a fam-
or fought it out with your father. Maybe he would ily other than one's own. For the clinical family,
have put me before his career — I guess I'll never re- there is the knowledge that they have a coach they
ally know for sure." can return to —a known quantity who has the back-
Alan reported that the discussions with his par- ground information to help them meet another life
ents had got him thinking about his own marriage challenge. In such a long-term process, it becomes
and whether he was putting it in jeopardy by far more likely that particular issues in the thera-
"following in my father's footsteps where work pist's life will coincide with the clinical family's,
is concerned — I never wanted to do that!" I comas was the case in my work with the Vintons,
mented, "So, Alan, I guess the challenge for you is which spanned a period of twenty-five years.
whether you want to wait until retirement to figure The Vintons initially came to see me with
out how to become an equal partner with your wife, their three children because of the parents' concern
or whether you want to try to do that now " Alan about Jane, their oldest child. A one-year therapy
smiled and wryly observed, "If I don't do it now, we ended with decreased symptoms and Jane's suc-
won't be together at retirement —
my wife is much cessful departure for college. Five years later, with
more outspoken than my mother!" He later reported their second child now also out of the home, the
that he had started to initiate talks with his wife couple came back to work on marital issues that
about how they could work together to make room had emerged as Sheila went back to work. She was
for both of their careers, including the option of his starting something new, while Jack felt stuck in a
cutting back some on his practice, despite the finan- demanding and ungratifying job. Work on their re-
cial sacrifice, and his spending more time parenting. spective families of origin, in which men were the
In the client's therapy, he began to ask ques- sole breadwinners and women stayed at home,
tions about the decision-making process about the helped each of them to achieve a more tolerant,
planned move. He suggested that his client invite less reactive position with each other, as they saw
her husband to join her in the sessions, and through their own struggles as part of a larger family and
further questioning, he helped the couple to explore cultural legacy.
the pluses and minuses of the move for each of Four years later, the couple returned for addi-
them, their children, and their extended-family relational marital work.They had now launched their
tionships.The work that Alan did in his own family youngest son, and the older two children were
paid He was now a clearer and more effective
off. married. Sheila complained that Jack was unavail-
questioner who helped the couple to explore a wider able for intimacy, while Jack felt increasingly
range of options because Alan could now see these worn out by his management job, which required
options himself. Alan was also better able to help frequent travel. This phase of therapy lasted for six
the couple examine their own families of origin and months, and when it concluded. Sheila was less fo-
life cycle issues as a result of his work on his own. cused on Jack. When he was unavailable to do
things with her, she made her own plans. For his
part, Jack was gradually able to see his irritability
THE LONG-TERM VIEW: WORKING
and frustration as being related to the partem of
WITH ONE FAMILY OVER SUCCESSIVE
men and work in his family: typically, men worked
LIFE CYCLE STAGES
incredibly hard in thankless jobs that they saw as
As successive life cycle stages bring new chal- tickets to a comfortable retirement in their "golden
lenges, a family may return to the same therapist years." Then many of them died before or just af-
ter retiring, never having enjoyed what they had call from Jane, the original identified patient, tell-
worked so hard to achieve. ing me that Jack was dying and the family would
During this phase of therapy, I was diagnosed like me to come to the hospital. I arrived at his
with a malignant melanoma at the age of 41. In the room, where his entire family was assembled, just
face of this personal crisis, I had to cancel and reas he died.
schedule several sessions. I chose to tell Jack and Some weeks after his funeral, which I at-
Sheila about my diagnosis because in our small tended, Sheila resumed therapy to focus on her
community, they were likely to hear about it from grief and to help the children cope with their loss.
others. They asked me a number of questions, in- Then, several years later, now a grandmother four
cluding my was
prognosis, which by that time times over, she returned to treatment, this time to
guardedly positive and was upgraded to ex-
later focus on her new live-in relationship with Elliot,
cellent. They appreciated hearing directly from me who was divorced with four grown children of his
about my illness, and my disclosure seemed to fa- own. Her choice to live with her new partner had
cilitate their work on their own issues in therapy elicited strong reactions from her children, who
(Gerson, 1996). had thought nothing of living with their own lovers
Several years later. now 57, came in
Jack, before marriage but did not see this as permissible
again for individual consultations. He was now ea- for their mother. In particular, she wanted to work
ger for retirement and dreamed of opening a small on paving the way for her upcoming marriage to
specialty bookstore in a nearby university town. In Elliot, which was planned for the following year.
the midst of this phase of therapy, however, he was We worked together on finding a role for her three
diagnosed with lung cancer. His wife joined our children in the wedding, which she carried out
sessions at that time. beautifully. She mentioned Jack during the cere-
Jack asked me what had helped me to deal with mony, saying that she felt he would support her
my cancer diagnosis, and I told him that I had found moving ahead with her life. She terminated ther-
self-regulation training helpful. During the period apy after her remarriage, saying, "You know me.
after my diagnosis, I had learned biofeedback tech- I'll probably be back someday."
niques for anxiety management and immune sys- My thinking as a family therapist evolved dur-
tem mobilization. Later, under supervision, I worked ing the many years I worked with the Vinton fam-
with several clients who were struggling with phys- ily. Sharing some aspects of my experience with
ical illness. Jack asked whether I could teach him cancer had deepened my relationship with them
biofeedback, and I agreed. I also arranged for him to and contributed to my ability to work closely with
meet with my supervisor, Pat Norris, an interna- them throughout Jack's illness and dying process.
tional expert in the use of biofeedback with cancer Later, when Sheila contemplated remarriage, both
patients. Jack became proficient with thermal and she and I were aware that I brought a very different
muscle biofeedback and found it very helpful. He perspective into the therapy regarding her new re-
asked me more my own experience with can-

about lationship with Elliot than I had had in the earlier
cer, and although he knew that my prognosis had marital work with Sheila and Jack. This was par-
been much better than his, he nevertheless saw my ticularly evident as I helped her to think through
survival as a hopeful sign. "You've been there —you the loaded issues of money, power, decision mak-
know what I'm up against," he said. ing, and who was responsible for dealing with then
During the next two years, I continued to see respective children as they formed a remarried
Jack as he learned to be his own advocate in the family. Sheila knew that she and her family had
medical system and struggled to regain his helped to "train" me and "bring me up" as a thera-
strength. He was determined enough to

to live long pist. As a result, she (and Jack earlier) felt a certain
dance at the wedding of his youngest son, which he well-earned pride, which I reciprocated, about our
succeeded in doing. A few days later, I received a ability to work well together.
518 CHAPTER 30
WORKING WITH LOSS: A LINK had. Molly was quite agitated and periodically dur-
BETWEEN LIFE CYCLE STAGES ing the group sessions would shout, "I want to go
home, I want to go home!" Morris, who attended
When I was 20, my mother, age 49, died of breast
several sessions with her, would become frus-
cancer ten years after her initial diagnosis. For a
trated, guilty, and depressed and try to exhort her to
variety of reasons, her illness and subsequent death
settle down. Then, two months after her admission,
were underprocessed in my family; indeed, for
he suddenly died of a heart attack.
some years after her death, my mother was rarely
In a session following Morris's death, Molly
discussed. Over the years, I worked on the impact
dozed off for the first part of the group and then sud-
of her death and tried to modify my part in the si-
denly woke up and shouted, "I have no one! I'm all
lence surrounding it. Some of the payoff from this
alone! I have to go home!" I asked Georgia. Maxine,
earlier work was reflected in the way my siblings
Violet, and Elizabeth, the other group members,
and I recently rallied to my father's side when he
what their reactions were to Molly's situation and
became critically ill and nearly died. Also, during
what they wanted to say to her when she shouted out
the same time frame, I became a partner with my
that she had no one. Georgia, a woman with severe
wife in caring for her elderly parents, who had
physical problems of her own, said in a clear, strong
moved to Topeka to be near us. Going through
voice, "Molly, I know you miss Morris. He was a
these experiences brought home the fact that I
fine man. Would you like me to be your sister? I'd
would not be caring for my mother in her old age.
like to be your sister, why, we all would. You're not
This was a life cycle transition that I would miss,
Would you like me
alone, Molly. to be your sister?"
and I felt the loss especially acutely during the cri-
Molly nodded. One by one, each other group mem-
sis with my father and my ongoing involvement in
ber voiced her willingness to be a sister to Molly.
caring for my elderly in-laws.
Then there was a silence, and the women all looked
Not coincidentally, it was during this time that
at me. I turned to Molly and said, "Molly, I'm only
I began to work one day a week in a nursing home
here on Thursday afternoons, and I can't be your
in a small Kansas town. The work began when I
sister. But I'd be glad to be your younger brother."
saw an elderly stroke victim in a rural hospital
Molly smiled, and the other members laughed.
where I consult. Later, she was transferred to the
I think that my investment in these women and
nursing home, where I continued to see her
my interest in working in a context in which past,
weekly, first with her daughter and then also with
current, and impending loss is a constant feature of
her son. The administrator of the nursing home,
their lives relate to my current life cycle position,
impressed with her response to therapy, asked me
which have begun to help the previous genera-
to start a group for those residents — women
in I
work enriches my life be-

mostly in their eighties —
who were capable of
tion in their old age. This
cause the untimely death of my mother precluded
conversing. Group work seemed especially fitting
the possibility of my being available to her as she
because these residents, most of whom had known
aged. I mentioned to the group recently that they
each other throughout their lives in the small town,
were teaching me a great deal about life. Georgia
tended to avoid socializing, retreating to their
turned to me and said, "If you ever need to go into
rooms as soon as meals were over.
a nursing home, you'll know just what to expect."
I run the group using a multiple family model
and do a genogram for each member. Visiting rel-
CONCLUSION
atives are also invited to attend. Molly, a stroke
victim who also suffered from severe gastrointes- The interaction between therapist and family life cy-
tinal problems, was admitted when her husband cle stages offers both pitfalls and opportunities dur-
Morris could no longer care for her in the home. ing the conduct of family therapy. When we get off
Her siblings were dead, and Morris was all she track by confusing our unresolved issues at a panic-
ular stage with those of the clinical family, revisiting ask questions and understand our clients in ways
how we have been navigating the transitions con- that we might not have been able to do had we not
fronting us and identifying where we are stuck will been through similar struggles in our own lives.
usually help us to find a more creative direction to Our work with families, perhaps especially
take in the therapy. This shift in focus typically re- when they are most like us or most different from
quires a review of our own family history and the us. requires us to examine our own attitudes, beliefs,
patterns in which we participate, and a renewed ef- stereotypes, relationships, and life choices through
fort to modify our part in them. This may involve the man) lenses, including our own position in the fam-
opening up of topics that have not been spoken ily life cycle vis-a-vis that of our clients. As one
about before or a return to issues that we dealt with therapist that I talked to recently observed, "You
in the past but then too quickly dropped. mean I have to keep that in mind, too?" I am afraid
The experience that we gain from negotiating that we do if we plan to continue growing as people
life cycle transitions also facilitates our work with and therapists. In the end. this is the beauty of this
families, enabling us to point out options that anx- rather impossible profession we have chosen.
ious family members may have overlooked and to
REFERENCES
Carter, E. A., & Lemer. S. ( 1997a). Clinical dilemmas in Gerson, B. (Ed.). ( 1996). The therapist as a person: Life
marriage: The search for equal partnership [Video]. crises, life choices, life experiences, and their effects
New York: Guilford Publications. on treatment. Hillsdale. NJ: The Analytic Press.
Carter. E. A.. & Lerner. S. ( 1997b). Addressing economic Lemer, H. ( 1998) The mother dance: What children do to
inequality in marriage: A new therapeutic approach your life. New York: HarperCollins.
[Video]. New York: Guilford Publications. McGoldrick, M., Giordano, J., & Pearce, J. K. (1996).
Carter. E. A., & Lerner, S. (1997c). Who's in the kitchen: Ethnicity and family therapy (2nd ed.). New York:
Helping men move toward the center of family life The Guilford Press.
[Video]. New York: Guilford Publications. Simon, R. M. (1988). Family life cycle issues in the
Carter. E. A., & McGoldrick. M. (Eds.) (1980). The fam- therapy system. In McGoldrick, M. & Carter, E. A.
ily life cycle. New York: Gardner Press. (Eds.), The changing family life cycle: A frame-
Carter. E. A., & McGoldrick. M. (Eds.) (1988). The work for family therapy (2nd ed.). New York:
changing family life cycle: A framework for family Gardner Press.
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Carter. E. A., and Peters. J. 1996). Love, honor and ne-
1
gotiate: Making your marriage work. New York:

Pocket Books.
1 1
Name Index
Abeloff.M. D., 495 Arias, I., 476 Becker, E., 186

Ackerman, R., 296 Aries, P., 4, 186 Bedford, V. H., 163
Acock, A. C, 399-401 Arkin, A., 189 Belenky. M. F., 107. 110
Adams, 367 Arnetz. B. B., 1 1 Bell. J. 499
Adams, B. N., 155 Arnold. J. H., 189 Belsky, J., 250, 254, 264, 403
Adams, M. L., 462 Aronowitz. M.. 143 Bendik, M. F, 486
Adler, A., 153, 166 Arredondo. P. 172 Bengtson, V. 149,319L..
Aguirre, B. E., Ill Asmundsson, 419 R., Benjamin, 215 J.,
Ahlburg, D., 382 Atchley, R. C., 310 Bennett, L., 33, 477
Ahrons, C. R., 5, 373, 381-385, 392, Ault-Riche, M, 254 Bennett, S. A., 202
394, 396, 401, 406-407. 419. Avis. J., 112, 115 Benton, W., 166
425 Bepko. C., 239, 352, 455, 458, 466
Alexander, 466
E., Babene, M., 464 Berbig. L.. 487
Alford, K., 337 Bachman. J. G.. 460.463 Berenson, D., 459
Alford, P., 477 Bachman, R.. 472-474, 476 Bergen, R. K., 476, 480
Allen. J. A., 371,402,466 Badinter, E.. 221 Berger, R., 308
Allen. P. G.. 107 Baghurst, P. A.,411 Bergman, S. J., 126,215
Allison, K.. 275 Baker, L., 496 Bergquist. W. H., 287-289, 293,
Allison.P. D.. 401 Baker, T., 474 295-297.300-301,370
Almeida. R. V.. 10. 23, 27-28, 33. Baltes. M. M, 312. 318 Berliner, K., 350, 362
80-81,83, 107-108, 110, 116. Baltes. P.B., 318 Berman, E., 244
127,232-233,462,471. Bandlamudi, L.. 127 Bernard, J.. 1 14-1 15, 233, 369-370
477-478 Bank, M., 106-107 Bernikow, L., 161
Alterman, A. I., 464 Bank, S. P., 153 Bernstein, A. C., 417, 419-421
Altholz, J.. 486 Banyard. V., 403 Berrios, D. C., 483
Amato, PR., 400-40 406-407 1 , Barbarin, O.. 329 Bettinger, M., 126, 235, 304, 352
Ambert. A. M.. 423 Barber, B. L., 400, 406 Bieri, M.. 192
American Association of Retired Barber. C. E., 309 Bigner.J.J., 135,302,356
Persons. 486 Barer. B. M., 308 Billingsley, A., 330
Amundson. K.. 1 Barker. D. L.. 241 Birren, J., 319
Anderson, C. M., 108. 115, 118, 197, Barlett. D.. 89 Black, C. A., 464. 481
295, 308, 369, 402 Barnes. 420 Black, L. W., 20
Anderson, E. R., 419-420 Barnett. O. W., 107. 476. 482, 483 Blakeslee, S., 373. 399
Anderson, J., 399 Barnett. R. C. 8, 14. 110-111. 113, Blankenhorn, D., 250
Anderson, S., 463, 484 116.252 Blasband, D., 352-353
Anderson, T., 163 Barnett, W. S., 157 Blau, 118
Andrews. M, 400-401 Barrabe, 78 P., Blechman. E.. 400
Anetzberger. G. J., 486 Barth. R. P., 483 Blenkner, M..309, 314
Angelini. P. J., 278 Bartov. B.. 259 Blumstein. P., 113,235,239,
Angelou, M.. 161 Baruch, G.. 110 352-353
Anthony. C., 313 Bass. D. M„ 162 Bly. R., 12, 133,217,276
The Anti-Violence Project, 474 Bastian. L.. 482 Bograd. M., 471. 478
Antonucci, T. C, 113, 119 Bastida. E„ 149 Bohn. D.. 480
Anzieu, D., 49, 62 Bateson, M. C, 27, 32-33, 106, 108, Boland, M., 338
Apfel, N., 229 249 Boldizar. J.. 483
Aponte, H.. 327 Battin, D., 189 Boldt. J. S.. 149
Appignanesi, L.. 48. 59, 62, 64 Beaman, J., 401, 407 Bonjean, M, 313
Apter. T..118,233,279,290, Bean, M.. 456 Booth. A.. 421
293-295 Bean. R.,481 Booth, K„ 400
Aquilino, W. S., 299-300 Beavers, W. R., 185 Borden, W., 308
Arditti, J. A.. 406, 408 Becerra, R. M, 145 Bomeman, E., 34
Arendell. T.. 399, 407 Beck. M., 260 Borysenko, J., 10. 37-39. 44
520
NAME INDEX 521
Boscolo. L . 207 Campbell, J. C.,476 Cohler. B. J., 3. 28. 36. 126, 308-309
Boss, P., 313, 385, 390, 410 Campbell, T. L.,495 Cole, E. 304
Boszormenyi-Nagy. I., 314. 505 Canada. G.. 227 Cole. J. B., 10
Boulette. T.. 4K4 Candell. S.. 474 Cole. M., 34
Boutselis. M. 313 Canino, A. I.. 146 Coleman. 1) H 478..
Bowen. M., 5, 7. 20, 35, 186. 192. Canino. G.. 146 Coleman, S. B.. 193
215.235. 238, 321,351,436, Canino. 35-36
I.. 10. Collins. L. V., 109, 328. 336
439. 505 CantweU, D. P., 464 Colucci. P. L.. 351
Bowerman. C. E., 160 Caplan, J..5. 187 Comas-Diaz, L., 75
Bowman, K.. 162 Caplan. L.. 261 Combrinck-Graham. L., 500
Boxer, A. M.. 3. 28. 36, 126. 279. Caplan. P. I., 116 Comer. J. P.. 10. 27. 39-42, 262-263,
308. 348-349 Caracci, G., 466 269, 27
Boyce.G. C. 157 Carnegie Council on Adolescent Committee on Cultural Psychology,
Boyd-Franklin, N.. 70-71. 91-92. Development, 282 458
261-262.27". -2 333, Carrese, J.. 506 Commonwealth Fund, 476
337-338. 342. 344 Carstensen, 235 Compas. B.E..402
Bradsher. K.. 257 Carter. B. 5. 7. 11. 13. 16,88. 106. r.R.D.,401
Brady. EM. . 155, 160 114-116. 120. 128, 133.206. Congress. E.. 16
Brady. J.. 103 233. 243-244. 252, 254, 258. Conklin, G. H.. 81
Brandl.B.. 483-488 270,284.291.296.300. Conlon, M., 472
Bray. J. H.. 420-42 347-349,351. 363,373-374, Connery, 79
Brenner. S.. Ill 437.512.514 Contratto. S. 31
Brickman. E.. 474 Cartes, 290 Cook, J. A.. 348
Brierre. J..481 Casper. L., 251 Cook-Daniels, L.. 486. 487
Broadhurst, 479-482 Caspi. A.. 319,400 Cooney, C, 487
Brod. H.. 126 Cass. V., 348 Cooney, R. S., 171
Brody. E. M.. 309. 314 Cassidy, L., 474 Coontz. S.. 13-14.28. 108. 112.215.
Broken Nose. M 33 . Ceballo. R., 403 224. 363
Bronfman, M.. 145 Cecchin, G., 207 Copeland. A., 382
Brooks-Gunn. J.. 401 Center for Addiction and Substance Copeland. J.. 404
Broverman. I. K.. 9 Abuse at Columbia University, Cornell, C. P.. 471
Brown. D. B., 333 458, 460, 465 Cowan. C. 269
Brown. E., 387-388 Center for Disease Control and Pre- Cowan. P. 269
Brown. G.. 229. 404 vention. 14, 138 Cowgill. K.M.,419
Brown. L.. 356 Center for Substance Abuse Preven- Cox, M.. 399.401. 407. 419
Browne. A.. 129 tion, 455 Cox, R., 401, 407, 419
Bruce. J.. 14 Chakrabortty. K.. 81 Coyne. A., 487
Brudner- White. L.. 141 Chandler. K.. 225 Coyne. J. C 402 .
Bryson. K.. 13-14 Chao.W.,401 Cramer. D W. 351

Bumiller, E.. 80 Chamey. D.. 473 Craven. D.. 473. 476. 4S2
Bumpass. L., 382 Cherlin. A. J.. 312. 399^00. 407. Crittenden. D . 252
Burchardt. N.. 418. 420 419-421 Crohn. J.. 246
Burden. D. S.. 402 Chester. N.. 382 Crosbie- Burnett. M . 394. 419
Burke. H.. 10 Child Poverty News. 329 Cseh-Szombath\. L.. 386
Burr. C. K.. 504 Children's Defense Fund. 400
Burton. L. M.. 10. 28. 88. 94, 193. Chodorow, N . 29. 31 Dahl. A. S.. 419-421
275,281,312.324. 334, Cicero. T. J., 462 Daniel. G.. 418.420
337-338 Cicirelli. V. G.. 2. 153-155. 157-158. Daniels. R. 31. 116
Butler. K.. 12 163.309 Dao. 264
Butler. R. N.. 195-196. 309. 322 Clark. J. J.. 411 D'Augelli. A..474
Byng-Hall. J.. 188,505.509 Clark, M.. 148 Davidovich. J.. 478
_
Byrne. N.. 79 Clayton. P. 192 Davis. R 4 4
Cleage. P.. 126.472 de Anda. D.. 145
Caetano. R.. 458 Clinchy. B. M.. 107. 110 DeBlassie. R..481
Cafferata. G. L.. 486 Clingempeel. YV. G.. 409. 419--420 De Keseredy. W., 473
Cain. A.. 189. 192 Cochran. D. L.,403 De La Cancela. V., 92
Cain. B.. 189. 192 Cohen. E.. 142 de Souza. A.. 81
Caldwell. C. H.. 403 Cohen. R. 33 Dechter. A.. 14
,
522 NAME INDEX
DeFrain.J., 119, 191 Espin, O., 173 Galbraith, J. K„ 12, 15

Deisher, R., 226 Etter,J., 261 Gallagher, W., 289-290, 293, 297
Del Vecchio, A., 458 Etzioni, A., 12 Gallegos, J. S., 142
Delany, A. E., 309 Garbarino, 193
Delany. S., 309 Fairchild, B., 348 Garcia-Preto, N., 72, 74-76
Demick, J., 261 Falicov, C. J., 141, 148, 191 Gardner, H., 33
Demo, D.H., 399-401 Faludi, S., 112,365 Garfmkel, I., 401
Denby, R., 337 Farber, B., 83 Gay, P., 47
Derezotes, D. S., 483 Farberow, N., 226 Gelfand, D. E., 173, 181,319
Derogatis, L. R., 495 Farrell, W., 128 Gelles, R. J.,471
DeSilva, C, 203 Farrow, J., 226 Gemma, P. B., 189
DeVita, C, 382 Fast, I., 189 Gerber, I., 189
De Young, Y., 479 Fay, L., 439 Gergen, K., 348
Dilworth- Anderson, P., 10, 28, 312 Feigen, I., 85 Geronimus, A. T., 228
Dimidjian, 369 S., Feiring, C., 31 Gerson, B., 517
Diner, H. R., 78. 364 Felice, M. E., 145 Gerson, K., 256
Dinnerstein, D., 9, 30-31 Ferran, E., 90 Gerson, R., 16, 67, 188, 426, 443,
Dobash, R. M., 160 Fielder, E., 145 505
Doering, S. G., 155 Finkelhor, D., 470 Gibson, R., 319
Dore, M. M., 481 Fishel, E., 157 Gil, E., 481-483
Doris, 481
J., Fisher, E. R., 479 Gilbert, S., 282, 460
Dorris, M., 95 Fisher, R, 279 Gilligan, C., 9, 29-30, 42, 1 1 7, 1 3 1
Dover, S. J., 402 Fitzgerald, L., 473 194,215,275-276

Dowd.J. J., 149 Fitzpatrick, K., 483 Gillis.J., 15
Dowling, C, 113, 287-288, 292-294 Fix, M., 169 Gilman, L., 261
Downey, 402
G., Flannery, W., 472 Gilmore, D., 221
Dries, R., 402 Fletcher, W., 197 Giordano, J., 3, 16, 69-70, 156, 178,
Duberman, L., 420 Flynn, C., 474 246, 275, 289, 505
Duckett, E., 110 Fog arty, T., 439 Gladov, N. W., 403
466
Duff, R. W., Follette, V., 474 Glaser, C, 234
Dunne, E. 193,356 J., Font, R. J., 232, 462, 471, 478 Gleason, W. J., 484
Dunne-Maxim, K., 193 Foreman, D., 402 Glick, I. O., 190
Duvall, E. M., 5 Forrester, J., 48, 59, 62, 64 Glick, PC., 373, 382,417
Forth-Finnegan, J. L., 458 Gold, D. T., 153
Eccles, J. S., 400, 406 Framo, 505
J. L., Goldberg. C., 265
Edelman, M. W., 258 Franklin, A. J., 334 Goldberger, N. R., 107, 110
Edin, K., 400, 403 Franklin, J. H., 364 Goldner, V., 114
Edwards, J. N., 287, 292, 299 Franz, C., 32 Goldsmith, J., 392
Edwards, K. I., 464 Fravel, D. L., 261 Goldstein, H. S., 419
Ehrenreich, B., 90, 103 Frazier, R, 473 Goleman, D., 27-29, 33-34, 36,
Eigen, L. D., 455 Frederickson, K., 298 39-43, 115,439
Eisler, R., 8, 126 Freeman, L., 64 Gomez, A. G., 74
Eissler, K. R., 64 Freidan, B., 319 Gondolf. E. W., 480
Elde.C. L.,261 Freinauer, L., 480 Gonzalez,S., 499
Elder, G. H., 3, 28, 36, 319, 400 French, M. A., 27-28, 39-42, 270 Gonzalez-Ramos, G., 142
Eldridge, N. S., 348 Freud, E., 48, 59, 67 Goodman, R. A., 458
Elliot, M., 481 Freud, M., 49 Goodrich, T. J., 115, 128
Ellison, J., 33 Freud, S., 56, 64 Goodstein, L., 473
Ellman, B., 115, 128 Friedan, B., 1 14, 289 Gorell Barnes, G., 418,431
Emery, R. E., 399, 401, 407, 411 Friedeman, M. L., 400-401 Gorer, G., 188
Engel, G., 188 Friend, R., 357, 359 Gossett, J., 185
Entwisle, D. R., 155 Front, R., 127 Gottfried, A. E., 400
Erickson, M., 189 Frye, M., 353 Gottfried. A. W.. 400
Erikson, E. H., 9, 41, 288, 318, 320, Fullin, K., 484 Gottman.J., 14, 115,235,241
371 Fulmer, R., 88, 93-94, 96, 191 Gould, M., 279
Erikson, J. M., 320 Furman, E., 192 Gove,W. R., 115
Ernst, L., 119, 191 Furstenberg, F, 131,312, F. Grady, D., 483
Escallier, E. A., 464 399^401, 406-407, 419^421 Grant, B.F, 458, 461
NAME INDEX 523
Green. M . 187 Heilbrun.C. 106. 109. 120,319 Institute for Health and Aging, 316
Green. R.-J.. 30. 125-127. 235. 234. Heisv J 364 . beys, H.T.. 504
304. 352. 422 Helson. R.. 287. 289-290 Irizarry, N. L.. 142
Greenberg. E. M.. 287. 370 Henderson. J N.,313.473 Issmer. S. D. 81
Greenberg. J.. 385 Henderson, L.. 329 Istre, G. R..458
Greene. B.. 107 Hennig. M.. 155
Greene. C. P., 297 Henry, S., 2X4 Jacklin. C. H., 43
Greene. V L.. 149 Henry. W.. 192 Jackson. D., 89. 92
Greeno. K.. 402 Herd. D.. 458 Jackson, J. S., 403
Greven. P.. 470. 480 Herdt. G. L.. 279. 348-349 Jacob. D.. 350. 362
Griffin, C. W., 351 Hernandez. M.. 171. 173 Jacob. J., 328
Griffith, J., 510 Hemdon. J. L... 458 Jacob. T., 5, 187,464
Griffith. M.. 510 Heron. G. 172 James. M., 145
Grifo. J. 259
A.. Her?. F B .. 185,409 Jardm. A . 155
Grills, C 330-331
Gringlas. ML, 400-402. 407
Hess. B B.,3, 114
Hetherington. E. M., 373. 382, 399.
Jellinek. M..
Johnson. C.
480
L.. 164, 308, 399
Grosser. G.. 186.505 401.407.409.411.419-421 Johnson. L. B.. 10. 28.365
Grotevant, H. D.. 261 Hetnck. E. S.. 349 Johnson. T W. 304, 348. 351-352.
Graze. V. 411 Heyn. D.. 115.244 356
Guenn. P.. 439 Hicks. R. H.. 279 Johnston. J. R.. 402
Gurak. D. T.. 171 Higgenbotham. E.. 365 Johnston. L. D. 460, 463
Gurin. G.. 233 Hiff R. B.. 333 Jones, E.. 53. 64, 67
Gurley. D. N.. 400 Hilton. Z.. 479 Jones. S.. 330
Gutierrez-Mayko. M.. 313 Hines, 70-73. 277. 328. 330-333.
P.. Jordan. F. B.. 458
Gutmann. D. 319 336-337. 342 Jordan. J. R.. 9. 185
Gutstein. S.. 193 Hinojosa. R.. 169 Jordan. J. V.. 30
Guttman. J.. 382 Ho, M. K.. 172 Julian. T., 288. 296, 302
Gunman. ML C. 142 Hochschild. A.. 8. 111. 113-114.
116.252,295 Kagan, J.. 31
Haddock. R.. 216 Hot. 244
L.. Kahana. R. 314
Hadley.T.. 5.7. 187 Hoffman. L. \V.. 31.1 10. 192. 348. Kahn. M. D.. 153
Hagestaad. G.. 308 500 Kafir. B.. 479
Hale-Benson. J. E.. 10. 27. 33-34. Holden. G. W.. 479 Kaiser. C.. 126
334 Holland. B.. 369 Kalmus. D.. 479
Haley. J.. 206. 215 Hollingsworth, D. R.. 145 Kalter. N\. 399
Hall. L. A.. 400. 402 Holloway. S. D., 401^02. 408 Kamaraju. S., 80
Hall. R. L.. 107 Holmes. S.. 169 Kao. M
.,407
Hall-McCorquondale. I.. 116 Holmes. T.. 187 Kaplan. D.. 505
Halsted. K.. 115. 128 Homer. M.S.. 114 Karenga. M.. 330-331
Hanmer. T. J.. 117. 194.275 Horowitz. R.. 145 Karls. J. A.. 17
Hannon. N.. 189 Horwitz. A. N.. 207 Karrer. B.. 141
Hansberry. L.. 109 Hosteller. A. J.. 3. 28. 36. 126, 308 Kastenbaum. R. J.. 189
Hardy. K.V., 16.276-277 Hover. A., 473 Katz. M. B.. 170
Hare-Mustin. R. T.. 111. 121 Hughson. G. A., 309 Kausler. D. L.. 307
Hareven. T. K.. 307 Hunter. J.. 279 Kautto. J. G.. 439
Harlow. C.. 479 Huirell. R. M.. 473 Ka%. M A.. 145
Harpster. P.. 311 Huygen. F. J. A.. 187 Kedem. P. 259

Harris. T., 229. 404 Hyman. P.. 85 Keen. S.. 276
Hartman. A.. 17.32. 261. 265 Kehoe. M.. 357. 359
Harwood. R. L.. 142 Iacenza. S.. 351 Keillor. G.. 125
Hatchen. S. J.. 403 Ihinger-Tallman. M.. 419 Keith. B. 401. 406

Haviland. 29 Iker.^.. 495 Kelashan. J.. 458
Haves. 118 Imber Coppersmith. E.. 207. Kelh. J., 250. 254. 264. 392-393.
Hays, H., 333 210-211 425
Hayward. N 348. Imber-Black. E.. 93. 186. 202. 204. Keren. M S., 304, J52
Heath. V.. 480 206-207. 347. 390. 506 Kerr. B.. 224
Heckhausen. J . 319 Inclan. J.. 90. 171-172 Kerr. M.. 436
Heer. C. 462. 478 Indian Health Service. 458 Kessler. R. C.. 113. 116
524 NAME INDEX
Kieshnick, E., 403 Leder,J. M., 164 Mansfield, P., 473

Kilmartin, C 221 Lee, E., 72 Marano, H. E., 234, 241
Kim. B.-L. C, 70 Lee, E, 259 Margolin, L., 404. 409
Kimmel, D. C, 357, 359 Legg, C., 192 Markowitz. L.. 19,342
Kimmel, M. S.. 8, 30, 45, 124-125, Leiblum, S., 239, 290, 293, 304 Martin, A. D., 262, 264, 347-349,
129-130,221,255,275-276 Lein, L., 400, 403 355
Kirkpatrick, M., 265 LeJeune, C, 473 Martinez, A. L., 145
Kirn. W„ 382 Leonard, A.. 14 Martinson, I., 192
Kishline. A.,457 Lerner, H., 114,269,388,514 Martz. S. H., 319
Kissman, K., 402 Lerner, M., 232 Mason, M., 12
Kitson. G., 390 Lerner, S., 458 Masson, J., 62, 64
Kivel, P., 124, 127,472 Levenson, 235 Masters, R., 135
Kivnick. H.. 320 Levin, 314
S., Mathias, B., 27-28, 39-*2, 153, 270
Klaum, G. A., 287, 370 Levine, J., 8, 270 Matsuoka, J. K., 80
Klein. R.. 9 Levinson. D. J.. 5, 288, 290, 367, 500 Maureen. T.. 40
Klein. S.. 197 Levvin.T., 110,296,482.483 Maxim, K., 333
Kliman, J., 89, 91 Lewis, E. A.. 185, 190,394,419 Mbiti, J. S., 330
Knox, 91 Lewis, J., 333 McAdoo, H. P., 403
Koch, P., 473 Lewis, K. G., 153 McCall, N.. 335
Koch-Nielson. I.. 386 Lewis, M. I., 29, 31, 195-196, 322 McCarthy, I. C, 10. 79
Koeske, G. 403 F., Lewis, M. L., 309 McCarthy. K., 169
Koeske, R. D., 403 Lieberman, M., 191-192. 317 McCubbin. H., 385
Koestner, R., 32 Light, E.,313 McCullough, P. G., 288, 295
Korin, E., 30 Linsk, N., 314 McGhee.J. L.. 163
Kosberg, J., 486 Litwin, H., 309 McGill, D.,70,281
Kotsonis, M., 31 Lloyd, C. 14 McGoldrick, M., 3, 7, 9, 16-17.
Kraus, D. R., 185 Lobell-Boesch. T.. 485 20, 30, 47, 67, 69-70, 72,
Krestan, J. A., 239, 352, 455, 458, Lockery, S., 312 77-78,88, 115, 154, 156.
466 Looney, J.. 333 164. 178, 185-189, 193, 197.
Kruks, G., 226 Lopata. H. Z.. 163. 196.317 206,231,246,275,289,297,
Krull, M., 47. 51-52, 54, 62 Lorber. J., 127 300.316-317.347-349,
Kryscio, R. J., 400 Lorde, A., 107 363-364, 422, 426, 436,
Kulys, R.. 315 Lorenz, A., 505 437, 443, 498, 500, 505,
Kunjufu, J., 32, 334 Losoff.M. M.. 110 512,514
Kurdek, L. A., 352-353 Loulan, J., 353 Mcintosh, I, 193
Kutsche, P., 149 Lowe, E., Jr., 346-347, 358 Mcintosh, P., 32, 109
Kutzik, A. J., 173, 181 Ludtke, M., 228 McKelvey, C, 260
Lukes, C. A., 346 McKelvey, M., 288
Labowitz, P., 169 Lupenitz, D. A., 351 McKenna, A., 78
Laird. J., 239, 264, 346, 348. Lyons, N. P.. 117. 194,275 McKenna. E., 224-225
351-352,358,422 McKenry. P. C, 288
Lamb, M., 382-383, 391, 400, 407 Maartison, A. M.. 304 McLanahan, S. S., 400-401
Lampert, D. T., 258 Maccoby, E. E., 9, 29, 31, 40, 42^13, McLanahan-Booth. 400
Land. H.. 346 116, 131.275-276.382,392 McLeod. 113
Landau. J.. 177 MacCurtain, M., 78 McLloyd, C. C, 402
Langan, 480 P., Machida, S., 401^102, 408 McQuaide, S., 118.295,302
Lanner. M.. 474 Macias, C, 333 McWhirter, D. P., 304
Lappin. J.. 177 Madden-Derlich. D.. 406, 408 Mead, M.. 163,308,311-312
Larid, S. B., 464 Madsen, W., 89 Melisartos, N., 495
Larson, J., 417 Mahard, R., 149 Mencher, J., 226, 347, 352
Laszloffy, T. A., 16 Mahmoud. V., 71 Mendelson. M., 148
Laungani, P., 187 Mahony. R.. 255 Merikangas. K. R.. 461
Laurer, 192 Males, M. A., 278, 482 Merkides, K. S.. 149
Lauris, G., 402 Maletta, G.. 466 Merla, P., 225
Lazerwitz, B., 83 Malley, J., 382 Merrell, S. S.. 153
Lazzare, J., 124 Malson, M. R., 400, 403 Messineo. T., 10. 23. 27. 108. 127,
Leach, 257
P., Malyala, S., 80 232,462,471.479
Leahy, A., 402 Mann, J., 275-278 Meth, R.. 367. 369
NAME INDEX 525
Metress. E.. 170 Nobles. W. W., 330-331 Phillips, F B., 330

Meyers, M.. 259-260 Nord.C.W., 407,421 Phillips. V.. 185
Miedzian. M.. 32 Norris.J. F... I.153. 163-164 Pics. C, 265
Mihaly. L.. 258 Norton, A. J., 14,254.417 Pihl, R. O., 464
Mikufnicer. M., 259 Notman. M., 9 Pinderhughes, E.. 71, 329, 333
Miliones. J., 187 NOW-New Jersey, 169 Pinkston, E., 314
Miller. J. B., 9, 20. 30, 1 20. 2 1 5, 221 Nuckolls, C. W., 164 Pipher, M., 12,30,42. 117. 193.
Miller. J. G., 142 276-280, 282, 284-285
Miller. L. F. 14.254.417 Obeidallah. D. A.. 275 Pittman. F. 125. 128-130, 132-133
Miller. M.. 129 Ocasio, L.. 169 Pleck, J. H., 252
Miller. N. S.. 466 O'Connor, 207 J., Pogrebin. L. C, 288, 296, 304, 308
Miller-Perrin. C. L.. 107,475 O'Corrain. D., 78 Posner, R. A.. 318
Milliones, J.. 5 Ogbu, R.. 33. 40 Poussaint, A. F, 10,27.39^2,
Mindel. C. H.. 83 Okagaki. L.. 142 262-263,269, 271
Minuchin, S., 496. 501,509 Okun, B. F, 400, 423 Powlishta, K. K., 42
Miranda. M. R.. 150 Okun. L., 479 Prata, G., 207
Mirkin. M.. 117 O'l.eary. K. D..477 Preto, N. G., 69, 246
Mitchell. V.. 266, 287, 289-290 Olson, S. L., 403 Pruett, K., 256
Mitford.J.. 186 OMalley, P. M., 460, 463 Purdum. T. S., 234
Mnookin. R., 382, 392 Ooms, T., 278
Moen, P.. 110 Orfanidis. M.,351 Quails, S. H., 323
Mogelonsky. M.. 216 Ortiz-Colon, R., 142 Quick, A. D., 403
Moldow. D., 192 Osterweis. M., 187, 192, 194 Quinn. D.,481
Monahan. D. J.. 149
Montgomery. M. J.. 419 Padan, D.. 1 10 Rahe, R. H.. 187
Moore, J., 482 Palazzolli, M.. 207 Ramana, K. V., 80
Moos, R.. 496 Papero. D., 436 Rampage, C. 115, 128
Morales, E., 279, 348 Papp, P., 106, 120, 128.207 Ramu. G. N., 82
Morawetz, A.. 409 Parides. M.. 279 Rando, T. A., 187-188, 191
Morgan, S. P., 401 Parilla. R.. 192 Ransom, J., 377
Mortimer, A., 487 Parker, P., 120 Raphael, J.. 471,484
Mosatche. H. S.. 155 Parkes. C. M., 187. 189-190 Rauschbaum, B., 215, 221, 278, 280,
Mosher, W. D.. 333 Parnell. M.. 333 446, 449
Mosmiller. T. E.. 8 Pasick. R.. 367. 369 Ray, L. A., 149
Moss, H.. 31 Pasley.K., 417,419,421 Ray. M. 403
P.,
Mueller, P. S., 188 Passel.J. S.. 169 Raymond. 484-485, 487

J.,
Mukherjee, B.. 82 Patterson. C. J.. 14, 265, 302, 354. Rege-Colt, 80

Mulhern, 192 356 Reichman. W., 487
Murphy, B. C, 265 Patterson. J. M., 385, 495, 504 Reid. J. D.. 308. 357
Murphy. D.. 270 Paul. B.. 186. 191 Reider. R. O., 243
Murphy. J., 480 Paul.N.. 186, 191 Reingold. J.. 89
Myerhoff, B.. 322 Paul. N. L.. 505 Reiss. D., 499
Pearce. J. K.. 3. 16. 69-70. 156. 246. Remafedi. G., 226
Nagy.J.. 186 275,281,289,505 Remien. R.. 394
Nathanson, Y. E., 259 Pedersen. P.. 473 Reskin. B. F. 43
National Center for Health Statistics. Penn. P. 498. 505, 508 Rhodes. L, 417. 419,506
13 Peplau. L. A., 352-353 Richards. A.. 473
The National Council on Alcohol- Permanen. K., 462 Richards. M.. 110
ism, 456 Perrin, R. D., 107,475 Richman. D.. 333
National Institute for Drug Abuse. Perrino, T., 333 Riley. D., 338
458 Peters. J. K„ 13. 252, 254, 258, 270, Rilke, R. M., 235
National Victim Center. 278 284,290-291,296,300,373 Ritchie. K. L.. 480
Neugarten. B.. 3. 28, 36. 195, 288, Peterson. G. W., 284 Rivers. C. 8. 14. 110-111. 113. 116.
310,316,504 Peterson, J. B., 464 252
New York Times. 14,261 Peterson. J. L., 421 Roach. A. J. 351
Nguyen, A.-M.T. 411 Peterson, R. R., 108 Roazen, P., 47, 62
Nichols, M., 239 Petrectic-Jackson. P. 474 Roberts. J.. 202, 204, 206-207. 347.
Noberini. M. R., 155. 160 Petnni. B„ 1 1 390
1 1 1
526 NAME INDEX
Roberts. S.. 13. 43. 131. 233, 328, Schwartz, M., 473 Spinetta. 192
333 Schwartz. P.. 1 13, 235, 239, 244, Spitz, D., 5, 187
Robinson. B. E.. 351 352-353 Spock, B. 271
Rodgers. R. H.. 5. 373. 385, 419, 425 Schwartzberg, N., 350, 362 Spratlen. L., 474
Rogfer. L. H.. 171-172 Schwartzman, J., 202 Spring, J., 387-388
Rolland. J. S.. 197, 314. 492^193. Schydlowsky. B. M.. 119 Spurlock, J., 10, 35
495, 497^199 Scott. D., 186 Stacey, J., 1 1
Romer, N., 29, 32 Scott. S.. 177 Stack, C.. 70, 88, 94, 403
Rosen, E. J., 70, 84, 86, 185, 364 Scrivener. 348
J. R.. Stack, S.. 402
Rosenberg. B. G.. 166 Seaburn. D.. 505 Stacy, C.. 473
Rosman, B. L.. 496 Sedlak. 479-180. 483 Stanley-Hagan. M.. 420
Rosten. L.. 384 Segal. U. A., 80 Stanton, D. M., 193
Roth. S.. 239. 352 Seidman. S. N., 243 Staples. R.. 329, 365
Rothberg, B., 351 Seitz, V., 229 Steele, J.. 89
Rothblum. E., 304 Seltzer, M., 207 Stein, P., 365, 367
Rotheram-Borus. M. J.. 225 Seltzer, W., 207 Steiner. G., 338
Rowe.D.. 330-331 Sennott. C. 103 Steinglass, P., 459. 499
Roy. R.. 265 Shaffer, C. 1 Steinhauer. J., 231, 233
Rubin. L.. 92 Shaffer. D., 279 Steinmetz. S., 470. 476
Rubin, N., 293 Shapiro. E., 185 Stepfamily Association of America.
Rudd. J. M.. 78 Shapiro. P. G.. 108. 287, 290, 420
Rusalem. R.. 189 292-293. 296. 299 Stem, P. N.. 419
Russell. D. E. H.. 476. 480 Shaw. D. S.. 399. 411 Sternberg. K., 382, 400
Russell. R.. 473 Shear. M. K., 402 Sternberg, R. J., 142
Rutenberg. S. K., 288, 295 Sheehy, G., 5 Stevens, E., 74
Rutter, M.. 192 Sheposh, 192 Stevens, J., 260
Sherick, I.. 192 Stewart. A., 382-383
Sachs, B., 400 Shernoff, M.. 394 Stewart. S.. 295, 308, 369
Sager, C. J.. 419 Shireman. J. E. 264 Stierlin, H., 215
Saltzman. A.. 13.271 Shorris. E.. 19-20. 141 Stone, R. G., 485
Saltzman. L.. 473. 476 Shortland, R., 474 Straus, M. A., 471, 476. 478, 479,
Saluter, A., 13 Shragg, G. P.. 145 480
Samois, M., 476 Shumsky, E., 394 Strean. H. S.. 64
Samuels, P., 254 Siegal, M., 29 Streissguth. 464
Samuelsson. M. A. K., 401 Siegel. S., 346-347, 358 Sulloway. F. J.. 153-154, 156, 164,
Sandefur. G.. 400-401 Silver. R.. 187 166
Sandmaier. M.
153.282 Silverstein. 106. 120 Sum, A.. 216
Sandmeier. M.
164—165 Silverstein. D. R., 261 Sundquist. K.. 395
Sang. B. E.. 357. 359 Silverstein. O.. 9, 45, 128, 132, 215. Sussman. M.. 309
Sangl. J.. 486 221.278,280.411,446,449 Sutton, C. 330-331. 336
Sassen, G.. 1 14 Simon. R. M., 12,512 Sutton-Smith. B.. 166
Satir, V., 236 Simons, R. L., 399^101. 403, 407 Swain, S., 129
Savin-Williams. R. C. 131. 279, Skeen. P., 351 Swales. P.. 51,54, 56, 64
348-349 Sklar. H.. 89, 92-93 S warner. 192
Sawyer, M. G.. 41 Slater. S., 108, 226, 239, 304, Szaporcznik, J., 436
Schaie. K.W.. 319, 370-371 346-347. 355. 358 Szinovacz. M.. 311
Schandel, L., 473 Sluzki, C. E., 8, 82, 170-172
Scharlach, A. E.. 298 Smith. C. A.. 265. 278 Taffel. R.. 135-136. 252, 255-256,
Schellenberger. S.. 16. 67. 188, 426 Smith. G., 321,480 269-270, 285
Scheper-Hughes, N., 78 Smith. J., 155 Taffel. S. M., 333
Schey, P., 169 Smits. A. J. A.. 187 Tafoya, N., 458
Schmale. A. H„ 495 Smock. P. 14 Taggert.R.,216
Schmitt. 352-353
J. P.. Snarch, D., 244 Tannen. D.. 130
Schnarch, D., 293 Solomon. F., 187 Tarter. R. E.. 464
Schneider, S., 226 Sontag. S.. 197 Tarule. J. M., 107, 110
Schulenberg, J. E., 463 Sophie. J.. 348 Tavris, C.. 9
Schulz, R., 319 Sorenson. E. M., 309 Taylor, B., 482
Schwartz, A.. 483 Spark. G. 309, 311.314,505 Taylor, J., 119, 191
NAME INDEX 527
Taylor. R.J. .403 Videka-Sherman, L., 1 19, 191-192 White, M., 103
Terkelson. K. G.. 206 Vigil, J. D., 145 Whitebrook, M., 251
Thomas, C, 472-473 Vinton, L., 485, 488 Whitehead, B. D., 112
Thompson. P., 4 IN Visher, E. B.. 417, 419, 421 Wiehe, V, 473
Thompson. R.. 382, 400 Visher.J. S., 417,419, 421 Wilkie.J. R„ 128
Tichio, G., 171 von Mering, O., 78 Wilkins, W. P.,403
Tiger. L., 129 Williams, C. W., 228
Tindale. J. A.. 1. 153. 163-164 Wachtel, P., 12 Williams, J. C., 330-331
Titleman, P. 436 Wadley, S., 80 Williams, K. R., 129
Tobin.S.. 315.473 Wadsworth, K. N., 463 Williams, R. A., 402
Togg, N..216 Wagner, R. M., 148 Williamson, D. S., 186
Toledo. 3 1 Waite, L., 369-370 Willis, S. L., 370-371
Tolman.R.. 471, 478,484 Waldman, S..261 Wilson, J., 328, 336
Toman, W.. 153.246,443 Walker, G., 409, 508 Wilson, L., 402
Townsend, P., 163 Walker. K., 129 Wilson, S., 270
Trafford, A., 385 Wallerstein, J. S„ 373, 392, 399, Wilson, W. J., 90-92, 227
Travato. F, 402 401-402,425 Wirth. M. J., 351
Trimpey, J., 457 Wallisch, L., 392, 394, 425 Wisconsin Coalition Against Domes-
Troll. L. E., 155. 160,299 Walsh, E, 3, 7, 115, 185-189, 191, tic Violence, 484-485
Trost, J., 386 193,197-198,307,316-317. Wishy, B., 186
Tschann, J. M., 402 319-321,356,498,505 Woehrer, C, 161
Tuer, M. D.,411 Walters, 106, 120 Wolf. A. E., 277-280
Tully, C. T, 304, 357 Walters, L. H., 351 Wolfe. E. N., 227
Twaite, J., 258 Walters, M.. 128 Wolfer, L. T, 110
20/20, 349 Wandrei, K. E., 17 Wolin, S. J., 202
Ward, J. V. 276 Woods, R., 10, 23, 27, 108, 127, 232,
297
Uchitelle, L., Ware, E. S., 185 462, 472, 478
Ullman. S..474 Warga, C. L., 290 Worden.J. W., 189
U.S. Bureau of the Census, 13, Waring, J. M., 3 Wortman, C, 187
92-94, 221, 228, 257. 295, 327, Wasserman, J.. Ill Wright Edelman, M., 333, 346
329, 333, 336. 338, 362, 364, Watkins. J., 193 Wright, L., 186,499
369-370, 493 Watson, M., 30, 164-165, 337 Wright, P., 480
U.S. Department of Health and Hu- Watson. W., 499
man Services. 46 464, 1 , Watts-Jones, D., 229 Ybarra. L.. 149
480-481 Weber, L., 365 Yeskel, F.. 12
U.S. Department of Labor, 310 Webster-Stratton, C, 480 Young, B., 187
U.S. News and World Report. 260 Wechsler, H.,461 Young-Bruehl, E., 56, 58
Weda, I., 386
Vaillant, G. E., 5, 154,455^456,458, Weinberger, J., 32 Zacks, E., 126,235,304,352
467 Weingarten. K.. 31, 116. 194, Zarit,S., 313
Vaisanen, L., 191 203 Zavala-Martinez, I., 144
Valtinson, G.. 473 Weingarten Worthen. M. E., 203 Zayas, L. H.. 142
Van Amburg. S. M.. 309 Weinraub, M., 400-402. 407 Zigler, E., 479
van den Huygen. H. J. M., 187 Weiss, R. 189-190
S., 115, Zilbach, J., 9
van der Hart. O., 207 Weltman, S.. 70, 84. 86. 364 Zill.N., 401,407, 421
Van Eerdewegh. M., 192 Westcot, M., 402 Zimmerman. J., 146
van Eijk, J. T. M., 187 Weston. K... 347. 352. 354. 357 Zimmerman. T S.. 309
Van Nguyen, R.. 400 Wetherington. E.. 1 16 Zinberg, N. E., 456
Vega, W.. 149 Whipple, E.. 480 Zitter, S., 227
Ventura. S. J., 333 Whitbeck. L., 407 Zorza, J., 479

Vemez, G., 169 White, C. C. R., 241 Zukow. P. G., 164
Vicary, J., 473 White, L., 287, 292, 299. 421-422 Zuniga, M., 262
1 1
Subject Index
Abortion, as loss, 190 loss of parent, 194 adopted by White parents,

Acculturation conflicts, 70, 75—77, sex and sexuality, 243, 278-279 262-263
82, 84, 172-173 sexual abuse, 278 culture learned by, 33-34
of families with children, 177-180 in single-parent families, class and, 92
in Latino families, 144-146 410-411 condensed generations, 329
launching phase and, 180 identity formation, 38, 41—43, couples, 336
of young adults, 173-174 275-280 divorce and, 382, 394
of young couples, 174—177 immigrant, 144, 172, 178-180, families, 71-74, 110
Achievement 275 poor, 327-343
marriageability and, 365 late, 216-219. See also Young family definition, 70
of mothers, effect of, 110 adults family functioning, factors affect-
orientation toward, 3 Latino/Latina, 76, 144-146 ing, 328-329
Acquaintance rape, 473—474 media and, 275 family life cycle, 94, 329-330,
Addiction. See Alcoholism; Drug use as mothers. See Teenage mothers 333-342
Adolescents, 274-285. See also Chil- parental control and, 284 family structure, child-centered,
dren; Young adults peer groups, 145, 172,277 394
African American, 42, 72-73, 131, physical attractiveness and, fathers, 137, 336-337
276-277, 281, 333-336 277-278 grandparents, 338-339
in age-condensed families, 281 physical changes, 277-278 health and illness, 494
alcohol and, 459^461 poor, 94,193,275,333 institutional supports, 330
Anglo American, 144 pregnancy, 145, 258 later life for, 338-340
boundary renegotiation, 281-283 in remarried families, 420, 422, marriage and singlehood rate, 364
boys, 117, 131-132,275-280 425 men, 43, 72-74, 92, 125-126,
emotional expression, 279-280 sexuality and sex, 258, 278-279 130-131,227-228,334,336
gay, 42-43, 137, 145, 225, sibling relationships, 160 men's movements, 125-126, 128,
278-279, 348-349, 482 in single-parent families, 41 1 —412 130-131
male identity formation, 127, suicide, 193 midlife for, 289
275-276 therapy with, 282-285, 483. See mothers, 72-73, 228-229
separation during, 131-132 also Therapy parenthood for, 336-338
sex and sexuality, 243, 278 triangles involving, 448^449 poor, 94, 289, 327-343
in single-parent families, violence against, 482^483 racism and, 71-72. See also
411-412 White, middle-class, 275 Racism
culture and, 274-275 working-class, 95 sibling relationships, 164—166
death of, 193 Adoption, 260-264 societal situation, 328
death of parent, 194, 422 by gays and lesbians, 262, 354-355 stresses on, 330
death of sibling, 193 interracial, 262-264 therapy for
drug use, 459—460 by single-parent families, 264, 41 on adolescents, 335-336
emotional changes, 279-280 Adulthood. See also Later life; Afrocentric, 330-333
family change for, 274, 280-282 Midlife; Parenthood; Young on aging 339-340
relatives,
fathers of, 117, 135-137 adults case study, 340-342
friendships, 280 development during, 38-39, 43-44 on child-rearing, 337-338
of gay or lesbian parent, 303 African Americans, 70-74, 327 variation among, 328-329
gender and, 38, 41^43, 275-280 adolescents, 42, 72-73, 131, women, 43, 92, 107, 228-229, 336,
girls, 41-43, 117, 275-280. See 276-277,281,333-336 338, 365
also Teenage entries adoption among, informal, young adults, 43, 72-74, 131,
abuse of, 482 261-262 227-229, 333-336
African American, 333 alcohol use, 458 Age hierarchy, modern loss of,
eating disorders, 277-278 assessment of 217
emotional expression, 279-280 Afrocentric, 330-333 Ageism, 296, 308-310, 322-323,
Latina, 76, 145-146 by White therapist, 262 485
lesbian, 137, 145, 278-279, child discipline, 269 AIDS
348-349, 482 children, 72, 334, 336-338, 394 impact on gay men, 225, 304, 394
528
SUBJECT INDEX 529
stigma of. loss and. 197 Afrocentric, 330-332 of parent. 1 1 3. 1 18-1 19. 150. 196,
Al Anon. 457, 462 h\ White therapist. 262 312-316.484
Alcoholics Anonymous AA < i. 457, of alcoholism, 455^456, 459, in Asian Indian culture. 81
459. 465-467 466-467 culture and. 70-7 297 1 .
Alcoholism. 455-468 of child safety, 48 1-482 by gay or lesbian midlife adults.

adolescents and. 460-461 of domestic violence, 478. 487 357-358
adult children of alcoholics. 461 of elder abuse. 487 in Latino families, 75-76, 150
biases regarding. 457-458 of elderly, 485 by midlife adults. 297-298

children of alcoholics. 460-461 of family. 16-23 by young adults, 189
464-465 culture and expectations, 35-36 tollon caregiver, 297-298, 313.
culture and. 458-459 facing chronic illness. 492. 487
defining. 455—456 449-501,505-510 by women, 113-115. 118-119.
domestic violence and. 462—465 parenting problems. 266-268 297-298.313
gender and. 457^458 genograms for, 16-17. See also Caste system, 80
hyperactivity link to. 464 Genograms Childbearing. See also Parenthood
in later life. 465—466 of individual development. 17-18. in Latino families, 148
life cycle issues and. 459 440 in poor African American families,
marriage and. 461—463 multicontextual framework for. 94. 228
in midlife. 465 16 remarriage and, 425
in parent. 459-461,463-465 of social and community in working-class families, 95
progression to. 456—457 connections, 18-20 Child care. 229. 251-252. See also
risk factors. 46 of social inequity's impact on Child-rearing
sobriety period following. 463, 465 clients. 20-23,440 Child-focused families, 257
in young adult. 461 Aunts. Latino, 147 Childhood development. 36—43. See
Akohol use,455-468 Autonomy, 9. 28-29. 35. 45. 142. also Human/individual devel-
adolescents and. 459—46 446 opment
Irish and. 77-78 infancy, 36-37
\oung adults and. 218-219.461. Baby boomers. 288-290. 460 middle childhood. 37. 39-41
463-464 Bachelors. 233 preschool. 36-39
Alzheimer's disease. 313. 496 Baptism. Latino. 141-142 traditional view, critique, 29-30
American culture Bicultnralism Childhood, genogTams and. 51-56,
alcohol in, 455 among adolescents. 144 62
child care in. 251 as help in divorce adaptation. 394 Childless couples, 197,250
class stratification in. 12. 15, 88-97 Binuclear families, 384. 391-393. Childlessness. 368-369. See also In-
death in family and. 186-187 417. See also Divorced fertility
ethnic diversity in. 14—15 families Childrearing. 29-30, 256-257. See

family structure in. changing. Birth order, effects of. 156-157. also Child care: Children: Par-
13-14 165-166 enthood
health care and illness in. 493—494 on marital success. 246 in African American families. 229.
impact on familv and individual. Boys. 31-32. 40. See also Adoles- 337
12-13 cents; Children in Anglo American families. 142
American Indians. 107-108. 458. loss of parent. 194 in Asian Indian families. 81
506 male identity formation. 127, corporal punishment and. 470.
Anglo Americans. See also Whites 275-276 479-481
adolescence and. 144. 281 in remarried families. 420 fathers* involvement in. 32. 256.
business-owning-class. 90. 97 sex and sexuality. 243. 278 270
care of elderly parents. 297 sexual abuse of, 480 by gays and lesbians. 264
child-rearing, 70, 269 unresponsiveness to girls. 1 16 in Irish families, 77-79
as families, 69-71.97 Brothers, 155-156. 190. See also in Latino families. 142-146
sibling relationships, 164 Siblings in poor families. 94. 229. 337
values taught to children. 142-144 Burnout, therapist. 342-343 in remarried families. 418. 421
Anniversary patterns, traumatic loss Business-owning class. 90 women's responsibility for.
and. 188 families, 96-97 115-116
Anxiety. 7-8 Children. See also Adolescents;
Asian families. 70 Caregiving/Caretaking Boys: Child-rearing; Girls;
Asian Indian families, 80-83 abuse by caregiver. 484—488 Parenthood
Assessment. See also Therapy by gay men, of AIDS patients. 225. abuse of. 259. 404. 470. 479-482
' "
of African American families 394-395 in abusive homes. 479-482
1 1 1 ,
530 SUBJECT INDEX
Children, (continued) therapy with, 269 planning, 443 444

adopted. See also Adoption violence against, 470-482 reentry, 444 44 5
interracially, 262-264 in working-class families, 95 of remarried families, 452
in single-parent families, 264, Chinese families, 70 of single parents, 451-452
411 Chosen families, 357 of single young adults, 445^46
adult development impact of, 31 Christian men's movements, 130 system mapping, 443
African American, 72, 334, Chronic illness, 312-316, 492-510. of young couples. 447^148
336-338, 394 See also Terminal illness Community, 6, 11-12. See also So-
age spacing, 154—155 course, 495-496 cial networks
in alcoholic families. 464-465 culture and, 506 interventions in, 19-20
Anglo American. 70 disabling, 496 Conflicts. See Acculturation con-

Asian Indian, 82 family's expectation of death and, flicts; Intergenerational
birth order effects, 156-157, 495^196 conflicts
165-166 lack of insurance and, 493-494 Corporal punishment, 470, 479^182
coaching families with, 448 in launching phase, 503 Couples, 231-247. See also Marriage
corporal punishment, 470. in midlife, 502-503 African American, poor, 336
479-481 multigenerational experiences 204
bicultural,
death and, 186, 192-193 with, 505-510 elderly,317
death of, 119, 187, 190-192 onset, 494-495, 500-505, 507 family system and, 440—441
death of grandparent, 192-193 in parent of young children, 501 gay. See Gay couples/families
death of parent, 192, 422 predictability, 495^96 immigrant, new, 174—177
death of sibling, 191-192 psychosocial types, 494-497, infertile, 127, 190, 197,259-260
with disabilities, 154, 157-159, 506-508 intimacy vs. fusion in, 234—239
258-259 replication of family pattern in, in later life, 309

in divorced families, 389-395, 508-510 Latino, 75, 77
400-401,406-407 rise in, 494 lesbian. See Lesbian couples/fami-
in divorcing families, 389-390, in stable period for family, lies
394-395 503-505 living together, 447

of gay or lesbian parents, 264—265, time phases, 496-499, 502, 507 marriage following, 233, 238
303, 356 Class, social, 88-104 negotiation guidelines for, 270
gender differences, 40—41, adult children in parental home power inequities, 233. See also
155-156 and, 299-300 Power
homeless, 258 in American society, 12, 15 retirement and, 3 1
of ill parent, 501 assessment and. 22-23 rituals of, creating, 203-204
in immigrant families, 75-77, 82, definitions, 89-91 sexual relationship. 243-244
143, 172, 177-180 family life cycle and, 88-104 traditional ideal of, 231
Irish. 77-79 gender and, 92 triangles of. 447^448
Latino/Latina. 75-77, 142-146 marriage and, 79, 103-104 without children, 197, 250
minority. See also Racism; specific- race and, 91-92 Courtship, 146-147, 236-238. See
groups sibling relationships and, 165-166 also Dating
protecting, 271 of therapist, 103 Crisis, 385
in nonaffirming environments, therapy and, 102-104 Cultural Context Model, 23
31-32 case studies, 97-102 Culture, 69-86. See also Society;
poor, 257, 261, 336-338, 400 Coaching, 436-453 specific cultures
preschool, emotional development, detriangling. using reversal, adolescence and, 274—275
36-39 441^42 alcoholism and, 458^459
privileged, 32-33 450^151
elderly clients, assessment considering, 35-36
professional-class, 96 engagement in, 442^443 care of elderly parents and. 70-7 1
in remarried families, 377-378, of families with adolescents, 297

418^125,427-433 448-449 chronic illness experience and, 506
sexual abuse, 278, 48 of families with young children, dealing with death and, 198
sibling relationships, 154—160 448 developmental stressors and, 6-8,
in single-parent families, 31-32, guidelines for, 452^453 141
257,400-401,406-407, humor 441
in, differences, in marriage/couple re-
409—4 1 in launching and postlaunching lationships, 204, 246-247
of stigmatized parents, 264. 271 stages, 449 family life cycle and, 3—4, 69
teaching values to, 271 of minority clients, 452 marriage vs. singlehood attitudes
of teenage mothers, 409 opening closed system, 442 and, 363-364
SI BJECTIN'DEX 531
midlife experience and. 289 Dementia. See also Alzheimer s women and. 1 18. 293-295. 374.
sibling relationships and. disease 387.389,391,394.396.
164-165 caring for person with. 487-488 405
Cut-offs. 439 Dcinangling. 441—442 Divorced families. 10. 373-374.
444
Differentiation. 35, 132. 134. 383-384, 390-393. See also
Dating. See also Courtship in famiK system, 438^440 Divorce: Single-parent
for gays and lesbians. 350 incomplete, wish for fusion with families
violence in. 473—474 partner and. 235-236 children in. 389-395, 400-401,
for young Latinos. 76. 146-14" for young gay couples. 34 1 406-407
for young singles. 366-367 of young men. 132-134 death and. 196-197
Daughters. See also Girls: Women Disabilities, children with emotional tasks of. 375-376
in Asian Indian culture. 81-82 parents of. 258-259 ex-spouse relationships, 392-393.
in Irish families. 78-79 siblings of. 154. 157-159 407
in Latino families. 75-76. 14" Disability. 314. 493-494. 496 reconciliation and. 390
relationship with stepmother. 418. Discipline relationship style. 384
420 of adolescents, 283-284 reorganization of. 390-393
in remarried families. 420 of children. 256-257. 269. 470. triangles, 451-452
responsibilities of. 155 471. 479_181 Domestic violence. 128-129,
teaching gender values to. 117 in single-parent families. 409—110 470-488. See also Violence
underprotection of. 156 Discrimination adolescents and. 482—483
unmarried. 363. See also Singles assessing impact on clients, 21 alcoholism and. 462—465
of working mothers. 1 10 sexual. 296. See also Sexism children and. 479-482
Daughters-in-law. in Asian Indian Distancing. 439 in couples. 483-488
474-^479.
families. 81 Divorce. 14, 373-397. See also Di- in later life. 484—188
Day of 150-151
the Dead. vorced families in midlife. 483-484
Death. 44. 185-199. See also Grief. aftermath, 393-395 money and. 470-472
Loss after remarriage. 197.395.421. in remarried families. 420
of adolescent. 193 424 social context of. 471—473

adolescents and. 193-195 age marriage and. 234
at Double standard, sexual. 115
of adult child. 188. 196 announcement of, 387-388 Drug use. 456-458
from AIDS. 197 bad. 395 adolescents and. 459^460
of child. 119. 187. 190-192 children and. 389-395, 400-41 1 elderly and, 465—466
children and. 186. 192-193 decision to, 386-387 women and. 457—458
coincidence with other stressors. demographic trends. 382 young adults and. 2 8-2 1 1
187-188 emotional tasks of. 375-376

family reaction to. 185-187 extramarital affairs and. 387-388. Eating disorders, 277-278
of former spouse. 196-197 421 Education, higher, women and. 109.
gender differences in dealing v. ith. financial aspects. 387, 391. 396 224
119-120. 197-198 good. 395 Elderly. See Grandparents: Later life
of grandparent. 189. 194 history of. 381 Emotional abuse. 472, 475-476. 484
in Latino culture. 150-151 in Latino families. 77. 148 Emotional changes, in adolescence.
in midlife. 195 in launching phase/midlife. 138. r^-280
of parent 221. 29^3-295.396 Emotional competence. 35-39. See
of adolescent. 194 leavers and lefts. 386-388 also Self-control
of child. 192 legal aspects. 381-382. 391. 395 Emotional connectedness. 2. 5.
elderly. 195.298-299 loss in. 388 35-36. 446. See also Emo-
midlife adults and. 298-299 men and. 294. 374. 389. 391 tional involvement and respon-
sibling relationship and. as pathology. 383 sibility: Human/individual
163-164 as process of family change. development
stepparents and. 197 383-385 Emotional intelligence. 33-35
of young adult. 189-191 research on. 382-383 Emotional involvement and responsi-
past, later effects of. 188 separation phase. 388-391 bility, of women. 113. 115.
in remarried families. 197 therapv for. 374. 385-386. 388. 237-238, 245-246
of sibling. 188-189. 193 395-397,451^452 Emotional overresponsibility.
of spouse. See Widowhood 378-380
case study, 237-238
untimely. 187 time to adapt 374to. Emotional repression. 77. 79, 83
of young adult child. 188 as transition. 384-385 Emotional support, in marriage.
young adults and. 188-190 transitions in. 385-395 115
1 1 1
532 SUBJECT INDEX
Empathy, 34. See also Emotional stressors, 5-8 recent, 13-14

connectedness as system in time. 1-5 child-centered, of African Ameri-
development of, 32, 36-37, 39, 41 Family conflicts. See also Accultura- cans, 394
Empty nest syndrome, 1 1 8, 1 37, 287, tion conflicts; Intergenera- Family system, 1-5
310 tional conflicts; Therapy; change in, 441
Engagement (therapeutic), 442-443 Triangles closed, opening up, 442
Engagement parties, Latino, 147 elderly members and, 322-323 couples and, 440-441
Ethnic diversity, 14—15 in-laws and, 245 detriangling, 441-442
Ethnic identity, 40, 42, 69. See also resolving in later life, 322 differentiation in, 438^40
Culture; Identity issues siblings after marriage and, distancing and cut-offs in. 439
Ethnic values, 69 245-246 fusion in, 438
Ex-spouse(s), 392-393, 407, 419, unresolved interactions in. 437^38
422, 426 birth of first child and, 250 learning about one's role in,
new spouse and, 418-419 impact on adult child's marriage, 443^44

triangles involving, 426-432 236, 239, 245 mapping, 443
Extended families, 6, 10-1 1. See also at weddings, 244-245 new baby and, 250
Families of origin; Intergener- Family history, 47-48, 443. See also reentry into, 444-445
ational entries Genograms triangles in, 438^39
adolescents and, 283 Family life cycle, 1-5, 11 Family Systems-Illness Model,
assessment of, 18 of African American families, 492-510
Latino, 141 poor, 328-330, 333-343 "Father hunger," 132
poor African American, birth of alcoholism and, 459 Fathers. See also Men; Parenthood;
children and, 337 changes in, 8-9 Parent(s)
of remarried families, 420 chronic illness and, 492, 500-505 of adolescents, 135-137
single parents and, 403-404 class and, 88-97, 102-104 African American, 137, 336-337
Extramarital affairs case studies, 97-102 after divorce, 131, 374, 383,
divorce and, 387-388, 421 condensed, 329 392-393,407,421
men and, 130, 137-138 culture and, 3-4, 69 alcoholism and, 464
divorce and, 373-375 Asian Indian, 81
Families of origin. See also Extended family size and, 141 authoritarian, 75
families; In-laws; Parent(s) history/time period and, 3-4 child care by, 1 1 1, 251, 255-256
adolescent-parent conflict and, 280 human development and, 1 childrearing by, 32, 256, 270,
birth of first grandchild and, 250 individual life cycle and, 36, 44, 383
child-parent conflict and, 257 492 of children born to teenage moth-
of gay men, 226-227, 239-240, Latino, 141-151 ers, 403^04
348-351,354-358 lengthened lifespan and, 307-308 children's need for, 132. 406-407
of lesbians, 226-227, 239-240, lesbian and gays and, 347-348 dilemma regarding parental role,
348-351,355-356 marriage's place in, changes in, 134-135
marriage of children and, 233, 236, 231 gay, 135, 137, 264-265, 354-356
239, 244-246, 363 men and, 131-139 Irish, 78-79
of single adults, 367, 370-371, 446 migration's effect on, 171 Jewish, 85
of single mothers, 403^04 remarriage and, 417 Latino, 75, 142
young couples' separation from, stages, 2, 5 in launching phase/midlife,
244 stressors in, 5-6 137-138,280,291
Family. See also other Family entries transition points in. See Life cycle poor, 336-337
assessment of, 16-23 transitions single, 400
definitions/forms of women and, 106-121 stepfathers, 419-420, 422-423
culturally divergent, 69-70 Family of origin, of lesbians, working-class, 280
gays and lesbians and, 346-348, 226-227, 239-240, 348-351, young, 134-135,336
355-356 356-358 young men's need for, 132-133
ideal vs. actual, 10-1 Family patterns, Fear of success, 1 14
remarried families and, 417-421 alcoholism and, 459 Female-headed households, 72-73,
future challenges, 15-16 birth of first child and, 250 257, 329. See also Single-par-
individual development and, 5 Family structure ent families
life cycle perspective on, 1 changes in Feminist movement, women of color
membership choice and, 3-4
in, during adolescence, 274, and, 107-108
modern, 3-4, 8-11, 13-14 280-282 Fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), 464
size of, life cycle and. 141 divorce and, 390-393 Foster care, 260-26
SUBJECT INDEX 533
Freud. Anna. 66-67 \ouni! adulthood. 43. 225-226. Grandfathers, 113. 139
Freud. Sigmund. family and personal 349-351 Grandmothers. 94-95. 113, 312
history 47-67 Gender Grandparents. 301. 31 1-312. See
Friendships. See also Social net- class and. 92 also Later life
works de\elopment theory and. 9-10, African American, poor, 338-339

of adolescents. 280 29-3 1 Asian Indian. 81
after divorce.405 Gender differences. 31. 116. child-rearing and. 76. 149, 178,
after marriage. 243 275-276. See also Gender 250
male-female. 129-130 roles: Sex-typing coaching issues. 449-450
men's. 129-130.301-302. in adults. 43 death of. 189. 192-194
365-366 in children. 40—41 families with adolescents and. 281
in midlife. 301-302 in grieving process, 1 19-120. v. gay and lesbian children.
ith
of single mothers. 405 197-198 355

of single people. 365-367, 369 in siblings. 155-156 in immigrant families. 1 78
women's. 110.301-302.405 Gender identity in Latino families. 75-76. 149
Funerals. 151. 186 development of. 275—280 in poor and minority families.
Fusion male. 124-131. 133-134.221. 312
_
couple relationships as. 2 5-276 problem indicators, 301
234-239 Gender roles. See also Boys: Fathers: professional-class, 96
in family system. 438 Girls; Men: Mothers; Women remarried children/children-in-law
culture and. 71 and. 431-432
Gangs. 145. 483 Jewish. 84-85 Graying of America. 288
Gaslighting. 484 Latino. 74-75. 148-149 Greek families. 70-71. 165
Gatekeeper intervention. 429 at midlife. 189-190 Grief, 186-187. 193-194. See also
Gay couples/families. 14. 239. in parenting Death: Loss
346-348.351-356 shared. 254-256 in Latino cultures. 1 5
breakup of. 394-395 shift to traditional. 128. 254 women's vs. mens expression of.
intimacy in. 2 ; ^ of remarried parents. 418—419 119-120. 197-198

loss and. 197 Gender segregation
money and power. 353 of children. 40. 275-276 Happiness, marital. 292
rituals for. 203-21 social context of. 116 Healing rituals. 210-211
therapy w ith. 1 34.265-266 workplace. 43 Health care, lack of. illness and dis-
Gay men. 14. 126. 346-359 Genograms. 47-67. 443 493-494
ability and.
abuse and violence and. 474—476. adolescence in, 54—56 Hembrismo. 74—75
487 of African American families. 262. Hierarchy
adolescence. 42-43. 145. 278-279. 332 addressing in therapy 22-23
348-349. 482 assessment using. 16-17. 188 age. modern loss of, 217
adoption by. 2^2 chronic illness-oriented, 505 assessing impact on clients. 20-23
AIDS crisis and. 225. 304 later life in. 64—67 differentiation and, 35
coming out. 134. 225. 279. 303. launching phase 56-58 in. History
348-349 marriage in. 49-5 58-62 1 . developmental stressors and. 6-8
definition of family and. 346-348. midlife phase in. 56-58. 62-64 family. 47—48. 443. See also
355-356 next generation in. 56-62 Genograms
differentiation for. 1 34 parenthood and childhood in. family life cycle and. 3—1
family of origin relationship. 5 1 -56. 62 Home, young adults' wish for.
226-227, 239-240, 348-351. for remarried families. 426 218-219

356-358 triangles in. 5 1 . 58. 64-66 Homeless families. 258
homophobia and. 20-23. See also G.I. Bill. 103 Homophobia
Homophobia Girls. 3 1-32. 40-4 1 . See also Ado- abuse stemming from. 474
in later life. 308. 356-359. 485. lescents: Children: Daughters impact on gay clients, assessing.
487 Asian Indian. 82 20-23 '
in Latino culture. 145 gender identity. 275-276 male identity and. 125-126. 129.
male identity and. 126 inability to influence boys. 1 16 221
in midlife. 302-304 in remarried families. 420 Homosexuals. See Gay and Lesbian
as parents. 135. 13 7 . 264-266. sexism and. 276 entries
354-356. 422 sexual abuse. 278. 481 Household labor. Ill-IP 252 255
212.347
rituals and. Government sen ices, effect on Latino children and. 143
substance abuse. 463 familv. 114 women's devaluing of. 225
1
534 SUBJECT INDEX
Human/individual development, to United States, 169-170 Italian families. 70, 72. 164, 459
36-44, 20- 1 2 1 See also Life
1 . Incest, 481
cycle, individual; Self Indians. See American Indians: Jewish families. 70, 83-86, 165, 364,
of adults, children's impact on, 31, Asian Indian families 384
116 Individual development. See Human/
assessment of, 17-18 individual development Karma. 80
autonomy and, 9-10, 28-29 Inequality.See Class; Hierarchy; Key events, reactions to. genograms
biculturalism as. 144 Racism: Sexism to understand, 67
chronic illness and, 492, 500-505 Infancy, emotional development in,
conflictbetween generational 36-37 Large families. 141 See also Ex-.
of, 317-318
needs Infertility. 127. 190, 197,259-260, tended families
divorce and, 373, 375 356 Later life, 118-119,307-324
family as context of. 5 In-laws, 233, 245. See also Families abuse and violence in, 484-488
family life cycle and, 1, 9-10. 36 of origin addiction in, 465^66

female, 9-10, 30-32, 40-42, 44-45 midlifer's relationship with, 298, for African Americans, 72,
in gay men at midlife. 303 300-301 338-340
intellectual, 33-34 of remarried spouses, 431^432 care in. 113. 118-119, 150,
interdependence and, 9-10. 27-30 Institutionalization, of elderly, 196.297-298,312-316,
in later life. 318-320, 323 315-316 484-485
male. 9-10. 29-32, 40, 44-45 Intelligence,33-34 in Asian Indian culture, 81
in midlife. 288. 303 Interdependence, in human develop- caregiver abuse and. 484-488
in nonaffirming environment. ment, 9-10, 27-30, 34-35, 37 culture and. 70-71.297
31-33,35 Intergenerational conflicts dementia and, 487^88
remarriage and, 377 adolescence and, 281 by elderly, 196,484
social roles as context of, 27-28 in African American families, by gay or lesbian children,
stressors in, 5-6 72-73 357-358
traditional models of, critique, 9, in Asian Indian families, 82-83 inLatino families, 75-76, 150
27-31 on caretaking in old age, 196 by women, 113, 118-119,
Hyperactivity. 464 in immigrant families, 172, 297-298,313
177-178, 180 death of adult child in, 196
Idealism, of young adults, 217 case study, 178-180 development in, 39, 44, 318-320,
Identity issues. See also Ethnic iden- in Jewish families. 84—85 323
tity: Gender identity in later life. 317-318 end-of-life decisions, 322
in adolescence, 275-280 in Latino families. 75-76 gays and lesbians in, 302-304. 308.
of adopted children, 412 longstanding, coping with loss and. 356-359
of African Americans, 276 194-195 genograms and, 64-67
of gays and lesbians, 348 Intergenerational relationships. See grandparenthood, 311-312. See
of gay men, 126, 226 also Families of origin; Inter- also Grandparents
of immigrants. 170-171. 173-174. generational conflict; Parent(s) health problems, 312-316
178 adolescence and, 280-281 immigrants in. 149-150, 172,
Identity redefinition rituals, 21 1-212 in African American families, 72 180-183
Illness. See Chronic illness: Terminal in Asian Indian families, 80-81 increase of population in, 307-310
illness culture and, 70-71 315-316

institutionalization in.
Immigrant families, 170-183. See impact of, in life cycle transitions. integrative understanding in, 320
also Acculturation conflicts: 4 in Latino families, 149-150
Latino families: Migration in Irish families. 77-80 life-review therapy in, 322, 451
adolescents in, 144. 172 in later life, 309, 31 marriage in. 138-139
children in. 143. 146, 172. in launching phase, 137-138 men in, 44, 138-139, 149, 196,
177-180 midlife redefinition of, 297-301 316,319,486
downward mobility of. 172 Intermarriage, Jewish, 84 migration in, 180-181
elderly 149-150. 172, 180-183
in, Intimacy case study, 181-183
loss of social networks, 171-172. in couple relationships, 234—239, negative view of, 308-310
175-177 244 parents of gays and lesbians in,
parents in. 146-147

143, men's vs. women's experience of. 358
rituals and, 151. See also Rituals 130. 133,235 relationships with adult children in,
young adults as new immigrants. sexual problems and, 244 79,309,314,317-318

173-175 Irish families, 70,77-80, 164-165, remarriage in, 426
Immigration. See also Migration 363-364. 459 resolving family conflicts in, 322
SUBJECT INDEX 535
retirement. 95, 138-139. 150, lesbians, 346-359 before marriage. 233, 238
310-311 abuse and violence, 474, 487 before remarriage, 419
search tor meaning in. 320 adolescence, 42-43. 145,278-279, without marriage, 447
for singles. 364. 370-371 MS 349.482^83 Loss, 44, 185-199. See also Death;
social networks in. 309 adoption by. 262 Grief
strengths of. 319-320 coming out. 226. 279. 348-349 chronic illness-related, 495^96,
successful aging. 318-320 definition of family and. 346-348, 498
suicide in. 14. 138, 196.370 355-356 in divorce, 388-390, 410
therapy with people in. 139, lamilv of origin relationship. family adaptation to, 185-187.
320-324, 334-340. 450-451. 226-227. 239-240, 348-351, 316
488 356-358 gay and lesbian experience of,
138-139
traditional marriage in. homophobia and. 20-23. See also 357-358
widowhood, 195-196. 316-317. Homophobia immigrant's experience of,
See also Widowhood infertility and. 260 171-172
women in. 44. 113. 118-119. 149. in later life, 356-359, 485-487 infertility as, 259-260
196.316.319. 370.484-488 in Latino culture, 145 midlife developmental tasks re-
Latino families. 74-77, 141-151 menopause, 304 lated to,298-299
with adolescents. 144-146 mothers of, 227 multiple, 187-188
alcoholism in, 458 as parents, 135. 137, 264-266, poor African Americans and. 339
child-rearing and values. 142-146 354-356, 422 of role, in divorce. 389-390
later life in, 149-150 rituals and. 226. 347 single-parent family's experience
midlife in. 148-149 social networks. 1 10, 1 19, 304, 357 of, 410-412
rituals. 141-142. 144-148. substance abuse. 463 single's experience of, 368-369
150-151 voung adulthood. 43, 226-227, stigmatized, 197
young adulthood in. 146-147 349-351 therapist's experience w ith.
Launching phase. 287, 291-292. 310. Life cycle, individual. See also Hu- 518-519
449~. See also Midlife man/individual development timing and impact of, 187-188
in Asian Indian tamilies, 81-82 chronic illness and, 492. 500-505 unresolved. 188.299.388
chronic illness of parent in. development throughout, 36-45 women's experience of. 19-120 1
503 family life cycle and. 36. 44 Love

culture and, 289 relative stages at remarriage, idealized. 236
death during, 188-189. 195 424-425 young adults' search for,
divorce in. 138 of single person. 364-371 217-219,221-222
financial support of adult child. of therapist, interaction with cli- in single adults' relationships. 369
219-220 ent's. 512-519
genograms and. 56-58 women's changing. 106-109 Marianismo, 74
for immigrant families, 180 Life cycle perspective Marriage. 23 1-247. See also Couples
marital happiness and. 292 chronic illness and. 500 across religious, class, ethnic, or
men (fathers) and. 137-138, 291 for understanding family. 1 racial lines. 84. 191.240-241
migration during. 180 Life cycle transitions. 384 after living together. 233, 238
return home of adult child. 216, chronic illness and. 498-500. age at. 233-234
299-300. 445-446 503-504 alcoholism and. 461-463. 465
in single-parent families. 4 1 cultural groups and. 70-7 in Asian Indian families. 81-82
women l mothers and. 1 1
1 ""- 1 1 8. death coinciding with. 187-188 birth of first child and. 128,
291-292 in divorce. 385-395 134-135,250. See also
Learning styles, mainstream vs. di- divorce as, 384-385 Parenthood
verse. 32 gays and lesbians and. 205. 226. child discipline problems and.
Legislation, on family caretaking. 239. See also Gay men: 256-257
114 Lesbians choice of partner. 232. 236
Lesbian couples/families. 14. novel/idiosyncratic, 204-206. 2 1 death of child and. 190-191
239-241. 346-348. 351-356 creating rituals for. 205-2 1 death of parent and, 190-191
breakup 394 of. guidelines. 21 2-21 3 decision to end. 386-387
intimacy in. 235 rituals and. 202-203. 205-212 in dual-worker families. 1 1
loss and, 197 symptom onset and. 7 emotional support and expression,
302-304
in midlife. Life-review therapv. 322. 451 115. 119-120
money and power. 352-353 Live-in partners, of single parents. equal roles in. backsliding. 128,
239
rituals for. 203. 404-405 254
therapy with. 265-266 Living tosether as escape from family. 365
9 3 1 1
536 SUBJECT INDEX
Marriage {continued) child sex abusers. 480 adult child's spouse and, 300-301
families of origin and. 233, 236, divorce and, 294. 374, 389, 391 alcoholism in. 465
239, 244-246, 300-301, 363 emotional distancing, 1 13. 115, care of elderly parents. 297-298,
financial viability and. 365 237-238 312-313
friendships during, 243 extramarital affairs, 130, 137-138 chronic illness in, 502-503
fusion vs. intimacy in, 234-239 in families, 1 12 death of parents and, 298-299
gay and lesbian, rituals for, friendships of, 129-130, 301-302, defined, 288
203-204, 240 365-366 development in, 38-39, 43
genograms and. 49-5 1, 58-62 gay. See Gay men divorce in, 293-295, 396
grief and, 1 1 197-198
grief and, 119-120, domestic violence in, 483—484
ideals and myths about. 231-232. homophobia and, 125-126, 129, friendships in, 301-302
241 221 gays and lesbians in. 302-304,
immigrants,' stresses on, 171 housework and. 111, 252. 255 356-359
in-law conflicts. 300-301 in immigrant families, 173 genograms and, 56-58,
in Irish families. 79 Irish, 78-79 62-64
in Jewish families, 84, 364 Jewish, 85 grandparenthood, 301. See also
in later life, 138-139 in later life, 44, 138-139, 196,316, Grandparents
in Latino families, 147-148 319.370,486 for Latinos, 148-149
men and, 1 14-1 15, 133-135, 243 Latino, 75, 77 male-female relations in, 289-291
in midlife/launching phase. 137, in launching phase/midlife, 137, marriage in, 137. 221. 291-294,
221,291-294,465 195,287,290-291,294, 465
money and, 1 1 296-297, 368-369 men in, 135-137. 195, 287,
power in, 113. 127-128. 134-135, living with single mothers, 290-291.294,296-297,
243-244, 254 404-405 368-369
problem predictors in, 247 marriage and. 112-115,232-233, myths about, 287-288
rape in, 476 237 sex and sexuality in, 292-293
retirement and, 3 1 masculinity and male identity, sibling relationships in, 162-163,
sex and, 243-244 124-131, 133-134,221 301
siblings and, 161-162, 245-246 power over women. 127-129, 254 singles in, 364, 367-370
single's wish for, 367 remarriage, 420 widowhood in, 195
societal preference over single- retirement, 310-31 women in. 113. 117-118,287,
hood. 362-364 separation and differentiation from 289-297,313,367-369
taking responsibility for partner's parents. 131-134 work in. 295-297
feelings, 237-238 single, 233, 365-366, 368-370 Migration. See also Immigrant fami-
traditional. 112-113. 119, socialization of, development the- lies
138-139,232.311 ory and, 9-10, 29-31 for families with children, 177-180
violence in, 474-479, 484-486 strength vs. weakness dilemma, family impact of, 8, 141, 143-144,
weddings and, 241-243 126 170-183
women and, 112-115, 119, violence by, 128-129, 221. See in later life,180-183
232-233, 237, 243-244, 254 also Domestic violence; in young adulthood, 173-174
young men and, 133-135 Violence for young couples, 174-177
Masculinity and male identity, widowed, 195-196,316,422 Minority families. See also African
124-131, 133-134,221, work and, 296-297 Americans: Gay couples/fami-
275-276 work-family relationship for. 1 10. lies: Latino families; Lesbian
Maturity. 27-28 252 couples/families; People of
intelligence and. 33-34 working-class. 289 color
interdependence and. 27-30, young, 43, 131-134, 216, 221-228 coaching of, 452
34-35 Menopause. 290, 304 Miscarriage, as loss, 190
Men, 124-139. See also Fathers Men's movements, 125-126. 128. Mommy track, 296
abusive, 472, 477-480, 484, 130 Money
486 Mentors, young adults and. 217.219, divorce and. 387, 391.396
African American, 43, 72-74, 92. 227 domestic violence and, 470—471
125-126, 130-131,227-229, Middle class. 90. 95-96, 217. See as issue in coaching. 447—448
334, 336 also Anglo Americans as power in couples, 113, 235, 254
alcohol and, 457^59 Midlife. 287-305. See also Launch- gay and lesbian. 352-353
autonomy and, 28-29 ing phase remarried families and, 422^423
care of aging parents, 297 adolescent children and, 280 Mortality, confronting one's own,
changing role of, 8 adult children and. 299-300 288-289, 298-299, 303-304
SUBJECT INDEX 537
Mother-child relationship African American, poor. 336-338 child gender order, in Asian Indian
in Latino families. 142-143 alcoholic. 459-460. 463^65 families, 82
in traditional development theory, birth of first child and, 250 of children with disabilities,
29.31 care of. See Later life, care in 258-259
Mother-daughter relationship child development and, 40-43 as development for parents. 16 1
in Latino families. 75 of children with disabilities. discipline, 256-257

with lesbian daughter. 227 258-259 in divorced families, 391-395
Motherhood. m\ths and expecta- with chronic illness, 501 foster. 260-261
tions. 249 death of, 190, 192 for gays and lesbians, 262,
Mothers. See also Parentis); Parent- adolescents' reaction to, 194 264-266, 354-356
hood: Women aging, 195, 298-299 gender roles and
abused. 481.484 midlife adults" reaction to, shared, 254-256
African American. 72-73, 298-299 shift to traditional, 128, 254
228-229 sibling relationship and, genograms and, 51-56, 62
blaming of. 112. 191.245.402 163-164, 190-191 in homeless families. 258
childreanng b>. 256 young adults and. 189-191 for Latinos, 142, 148
death of family member and. 198 death of child and, 119, 187. money and. 254
in development theorv. traditional. 190-192 myths and expectations. 249-250
29.31 divorced, 392-393, 451^*52. See negotiation in, 270
divorced. 374. 390-394. 408. See also Divorced families parents' sibling position and,
also Single mothers elderly. See Later life 159-160
Irish. 77-78 foster.260-261 power imbalance and, 254
Latina, 74-75 gay and lesbian. 135, 137, problem assessment, 266-268
lesbian. 135, 137.264-265. 264-266. 302-303, 354-356, protecting minority children. 27
354-356 422 sexual problems and. 254
overburdening of. 115-117, 255 of gays and lesbians. 349-35 1 teaching multiculturalism,
poor, 228-229 358 270-271
shared parenting and, 255-256 immigrant, 143, 146-147, teaching values, 27
single. See Single mothers 177-178 teenage. See Teenage mothers
stepmothers. 116.394.418, launching of children and. See therapy for, 267-271
420-424,428-429.452 Launching phase time and, 254
teenage. See Teenage mothers married children and. 244—245 transition to, 249-250
working, child care and. 251-252 noncustodial, 419. See also Ex- work-family dilemma. 252-254
Mothers-in-law. 81. 245. 300. See spouse(s): Fathers, after di- young couples and, 134-135
also In-laws vorce young men and. 134-135
Mother-son relationship. 449 in remarried families. 418. See also Peer groups
in African American families, 72 Stepparents adolescents," 277
in Asian Indian families. 81 single. See Single mothers of immigrant families, 145, 172
in Irish families. 78-79 of single adults, 370 children's. 40-41
in Latino families. 75 weddings and, 242 People of color. See also African
separation and differentiation in. White, w ith African American Americans; Latino families;
132-133.221-222 children. 262-263 Racism
in single-parent families. 41 1 —412 of young adults, 216. 219-221, abuse of, 47
Multiculturalism. teaching. 270-271 299-300 adolescence for, 42. 276
Parent-child relationship. See also In- differentiation and. 35
Navajo culture. 506 tergenerational relationships; families. 10-11
Nuclear family. 10-11. 13 Parenthood gay and lesbian. 352
"intact."" vs. remained family. in adolescence. 284 infertility and. 260
417^18 child abuse and. 480 sibling relationships in, 165-166
Nursing homes. 315-316 post-launching. 299-300 Planning (therapeutic), 443 444
triangulated. 256-257. 284 Polish families, 70
Open adoption. 261 Parenthood. 249-27 See also 1 . Poor people. 90. See also African
Childbeanng; Childrearing; Americans: Poverty
Parent! s See also Families of origin:
i. Children: Parentis); Siblings children. 257, 261
Fathers; Mothers; Parenthood: adoptive. 260-264 families.93-95
Stepparents for African Americans, poor. 260
infertility and.
in abusive families. 479-48 336-338 therapy with. 19-20

of adolescents. 280-285. 448-449 alcohol use and, 463^64 women. 289
1
538 SUBJECT INDEX
Poor people (continued) Religion Sandwich generation, 1 13, 297-298,
young adulthood for, 227-229 divorce rate and, 382 312-313. See also Midlife
Postdivorce families. See Divorced in later life, 320 School graduation, celebration of,
families Remarriage, 14, 308, 393-394, 144
Poverty. 92-93. 400. See also African 418-421,424 Self
Americans, poor divorce after. 395, 421 development of. See also Human/
stresses of, 94-95. 330 emotional baggage in, 423 individual development
underclass, 90, 93-95 of former spouse, 421 interdependence and, 34—35
Power in later life, 317, 426 within marriage, for Latinos, 148
in family system, 437-438 life cycle phase of partners and. in nonaffirming environment,
ofmen over women. 127-129, 254 424-425 31-33
money and, 113, 235, 254, redivorce and. 424 in social context, 27-30
352-353 transition to, emotional process of, men's sense of, 126
sex and marriage and. 243-244 376-380 social context of, 27-28
violence and, 470 of widow(er) with children, 422. Self-control. See also Emotional
Power wheel, 475, 476, 477 426, 429 competence
Premarital counseling. 242 Remarried families. 394. 417-433, as development. 27-28, 34-35, 37,
Preschool children, development, 452 39
36-39 adolescents in, 420, 422, 425 Self-help programs, for alcoholics
Professional-managerial class. 90 children in. 377-378. 418-425. and their families, 457, 459,
families, 95-96 427^433 462, 465^467
Psychological abuse. 471. 475-476. death in, 197 Self-involvement
484 divorce of, 395,421 of young adults. 216-217
Pubescence, development during, 37, emotional issues in. 423-^424 of young women, 224
41 extended family relationships, 420 Separation (from parents)
formation and integration of. of adolescents/young men,
quinceanera, 145-146 376-377 131-133,221-222
with gay and lesbian parents, 422 in development theory. See
Race. See also Culture: Ethnic iden- money and, 422^423 Autonomy
tity; People of color: Racism stepparents and. See Stepparents of young couples, 244
class and, 91-92 trends and principles. 419—421 of young Latinos/Latinas. 146-147
Racism, 71-73, 80. See also Hierar- triangles in, 5 1 , 426-432 Separation (of couple). 388-391
chy vs. "intact" nuclear families, Sex and sexuality
adolescence and. 42, 275-277, 417-418 adolescence and. 42, 117, 145,
334-335 Retirement, 310-311 278-279
assessing impact on clients, 21-22 for Latinos, 150 alcohol abuse and, 461—462
class and, 92 men's experience of, 138-139 for couples, 243-244
interracially adopted children and, in working class. 95 gay and lesbian. 304. 353
262-263 Reversals, 441-442 in midlife,292-293, 304
teaching children about. 39^40 Rituals. See also specific rituals for new parents, 254
teaching children to avoid, of healing, 210 Sex differences. 31. See also Gender
270-271 case study, 2 1 0-2 1 differences
Rape, 278, 472^475 identity and, 70, 211-212 Sexism. See also Gender roles;
marital, 476-477 in single-parent families, 410 Hierarchy
Reconciliations, of separated cou- therapeutic, 207-212 assessing impact on clients, 21-22
ples, 390 of transition, 202-204, 207 class and. 92
Reentry, into family system, 444-445 for birth of baby, 250 countering in therapy. 1 17. 120
Relationships. See also Couples; creating, 203-213 differentiation and, 35
Friendships; Intergenerational divorce and, 390 Sex-typing, 29. 41,276
relationships; Marriage ethnicity and. 70. 204 Sexual abuse. 278, 475—476. See also
in development theory, 9 gays and lesbians and, 203-204, Rape
as focus of Latino child develop- 226, 239. 347 of adolescents. 482—483
ment, vs. self-development, for immigrant families. 151 of children, 481-482
142 Latino. 141, 144-148, 150-151 Sexual discrimination, at work,
men's, 131-139 for novel situations. 204—207 296
in midlife, 302 cases, 205-209 Sexual harrassment, 473
men's fear of. 126, 133 Roberto Clemente Family Guidance Siblings, 153-167
in young adulthood, 215-219 Center. 19-20 adolescence and. 1 60
SUBJECT INDEX 539
after marriage. 245-246 therapy for. 400-403. 405, Suicide and suicide attempts
after parentis death. 163-164. 411-412 by adolescents. 193
190-191 Singles. 350. 362-371 gay and lesbian, 279, 348
age spacing, 154—155 attitudes toward, culture and, by elderly men, 138, 196,370
birth order effects. 156-157. 363-364 by widowed men, 195-196
165-166 friendships. 365-367, 369 by young gay men. 193
care of aging parents and. 301. 314 gay and lesbian. 349-35 Support groups
class and. 165-166 in later life, 364, 370 for alcoholics, 457, 459, 465-467
culture and. 164—165 in midlife. 367-370
364, for battered women, 479
death of. 188-189. 191-193 pressure to marry, 362-364 for families of alcoholics. 457.
of disabled people. 157-159 work and. 365. 369-370 462
gender differences and, 155-156 \oung, 364-368. 445-446 for single parents. 405^406
genograms and. 53-54. 64-66 Sisters, 154-155, 190, 301. See also Symptom onset, life cycle transitions
in later life. 309 Siblings and. 7
in Latino families. 144. 147 Small families, 141 idiosyncratic or hidden. 206
marital relationships and, 161-162 Social issues
in midlife. 162-163,301 assessing impact on clients, 20-23 Teenage mothers. 94. 257-258,
parents' sibling position and, discussing with clients. 13, 22-23 336-337, 403^404, 408-409
159-160 Social networks. 12. See also Com- Teenage pregnancy, 145, 258
rivalry, 154-155. 164-165. munity: Friendships Terminal illness, 316. 495^498. See
190-191 assessment of family's, 18-20 also Chronic illness
of single adults. 371 of children, after divorce. 406—407 Therapist(s)
in young adulthood. 160-161. of gay men, 304, 357 alcoholism in own family. 455
220-221 immigrants' loss 171-172
of. burnout, avoiding. 342-343
Single mothers, 257, 399-413. See case study. 175-177 class of. 103
also Single-parent families; in later life, 309 as coach, 436-437. 440-44
Teenage mothers of lesbians, 110,304,357 guidelines for. 452—453
of adolescents. 411—412 of single-parent families, 403^407 life cycle stage of, interaction with
African American. 72-73, Society. See also Culture client's, 512-519
228-229 impact on family and individual, loss experience of. using in ther-
children's father and. 407 6-7. 12-13' apy, 518-519
coaching issues. 45 1—452 assessment of, 20-23 similarities with clients, 512-513
discipline and structure-setting by. Socioeconomic status. See also view of elderly, 309
409-410 Class; Poverty view of ex-spouses, 392
encouragement of, 407—409 of immigrants, 172 view of single mothers/single-par-
family of origin and. 403—404 Sons. See also Boys; Men: Mother- ent families, 257, 264,
friends and. 405 son relationship 400-401
launching of children. 412 adult. 449 White, treating African American
live-in boyfriends. 404-405 in Asian Indian culture. 81. 83 families. 262
mourning bv 410 in Latino culture. 146—147 Therapy. See also Assessment
support groups for. 405—406 overprotection of. 156 for abuse, 474, 482. 483^484, 488
Single-parent families. 13.72-73. Stepfamilies. See Remarried families for acculturation conflicts.
257-258. 329. 337. 374, Stepparents. 1 16. 197, 394. 418-423 173-175, 177-178, 180-181,
399-413. See also Divorced stepmother. 116. 394. 418. 420. 183
families 422-423, 452 case studies. 173-183
adolescents in. 41 1—412 triangles involving. 427—431 activating triangles in. 442
adoption by. 264. 41 Stillbirth. 190 addressing sexism in. 117. 120
children in'. 31-32. 257. 400-401. Stress(es),385 addressing social issues in. 13.
406-407.409-411 dnorce as, 385 22-23

discipline and structure in. on elderly Latinos. 149 with African American families
409-410 on family, 5-8 73-74, 327-328. 332-333.
krn and nonkin networks. on immigrants, 171-183 340-343
403-407 on individual, 5 on adolescents. 335-336
launching phase. 412 on midlife caregivers. 297-298 Afrocentric approach to.
mourning losses in. 410-412 on poor African Americans. 330-333
poverty and. 400 329-330 on aging relatives. 339-340
strengths of. recognizing and mo- on poor people. 94-95 on child-rearing. 337-338
bilizing. 407-409 on women. 8. 111. 113.297-298 ageism in. 322 323
540 SUBJECT INDEX
Therapy (continued) with Latino families, 75-77, 146, in families with young children,
for alcoholism, 457, 459, 462-463, 148 448
467 life-review, 322, 451 with never-married single parents,
in adolescent,460-461 long-term, with same family, 451
in couple, 462—463 516-518 parent-child, 256-257, 284
with Asian Indian families, 80, with men 136-137, 302
in midlife, parent-child-grandparent, 31 1-312
82-83 with midlife families, 136-137, in remarried families, 426-432
with caregivers for elderly rela- 302, 449-450 in single young adulthood, 445
tives, 314 for mother's overresponsibility, in young couples, 245-246,
for chronic illness in family, 492, 116-117 447^148
499 for parenting problems, 267-271
class considerations in, 102-104 case study, 267-268 Underclass, 90. See also Poor people
case studies. 97-102 with parents families, 93-95
coaching, 436-453 new, 269-270 United States. See American culture
community-level, 19-20 of newly launched children, Upper-middle class. See Business-
Cultural Context Model, 23 136-137,302,449^450 owning class
for death, dealing with, 198, single, 402-403, 407-410.
518-519 451-452 Violence. See also Domestic
detriangling, using reversal, of young children, 134—135, violence
441-442 269-270 against adolescents, 482—483
with divorcing/divorced families, planning, 443—444 against gays and lesbians, 474, 483
374, 385-386, 388, 395-397 with poor people, 19-20, 327-328, men and, 128-129,221
case study, 378-380 332-333, 335-343 patriarchy and, 471
for domestic violence, 128, 462, premarital, 242 in poor African American commu-
47 1_473, 478-479, 483-484 for rape. 474 nities, 333
engagement in, 442^143 reentry, 444-445 power and, 470
with families with young children, with remarried families, 376-378, sexual, 471-474. See also Rape;
134-135,269-270,448 419, 426-433, 452 Sexual abuse
for forming relationships of men in resilience-based approach to aging
midlife, 302 in, 320-324 Ways of knowing, women's,
gatekeeper intervention, 429 ritual-creating as,207-212 109-110
with gay and lesbian couples/fami- guidelines, 212-213 Weddings, 241-243
lies, 134, 265-266 siblings' inclusion in. 166-167 family of origin relationship and,
humor in, 441 with single-parent families, 244-245
with immigrant families, 151 400-403,405,411-412 Latino. 147-148
for institutionalization of elderly for single's wish to marry, 367 Whites. See also Anglo Americans
relatives, 315-316 with single young adults, 445—446 adoption of African American chil-
involving adolescents, 117, system mapping, 443 dren, 262-263
282-285, 335-336, 448-449, for teen pregnancy, 258 alcohol abuse. 461
483-484 therapist's life cycle phase and ex- class and. 92
abused, 484 perience and, 512-519 culture of, 34. See also American
adopted, 412 with women, 110, 120 culture; Anglo Americans
alcoholic, 460-461 abused, 484-485 teaching multiculturalism,
dealing with death, 194 single mothers, 402—403, 270-271
pregnant, 258 407-410 Widowhood, 196,301-302,
involving children for work-family dilemma, 253 316-317
in abusive homes, 481 with young couples, 133-135, early, 187, 189-190
discipline, 269, 409-410 447-448 of gays and lesbians, 357-358
including in therapy, 269 Transitions. See Life cycle transitions in midlife, 195
in poor African American fami- Triangles. 194-195,438-439 remarriage after, 422, 426,
lies, 337-338 activating, 442 429
involving elderly, 320-324, detriangling with reversals, Will, writing, 371
339-340,450-451 441-442 Women, 106-121. See also Mothers
abused, 486-488 with divorced single parents, abuse and, 476-477, 481^488. See
caregivers of, 314, 486, 487 451-452 also Women, violence against
men, 139 with elderly family members, African American, 43, 92, 107,
with Irish families, 77, 79-80 311-312,450-451 228-229, 336, 338, 365
with Jewish families, 84-86 in families with adolescents, 448 age at marriage. 233-234
SUBJECT INDEX 541
alcohol use and abuse. 457—458. self-involved period, 224 African American. 43, 72-74, 131,
461 self-sacrifice, 74. 78. 235. 408 227-229, 333-336
American 107-108
Indian. sexual harrassment, 473 alcohol and drug use. 218-219,
Asian Indian. 80-83 sexuaht> and se\. 243-244 461.463-464
care of elderly 1 13. 1 18-1 19. 313 single. 233. 294-295, 301-302. business-owning class, 97
changing roles of, 8. 106-109. 1 12 365. 367-370 care of parents by. 318
backlash against. 1 12 as single mothers. 402. See also death of, 188-190
class and. 92 Single mothers death of family members. 188-191
development theory and. 9-10 sister relationships. See Sisters development of. 38. 43
divorce and, 118.293-295. as substance abusers. 457^458 divorce of parents, 221
301-302,374, 382.387,389. violence against, 470-477, tamily issues of, 219-221
39 394. 396. 405
1 . 481-488 financial support from parents.
emotional involvement and respon- widowed, 195-196. 316. See also 219-220.446
sibility 113. 115.237-238, Widowhood gay and lesbian, 225-227. 349-351
245-246 work and. 110-112. 114. idealism of, 217
in families. 112-113 224-225. 252-254. 295-296, infertility and. 190
friendships of. 301-302. 405
1 10. 310,365 Jewish, 84
higher education and. 109. 224 work-family dilemma and, Latino. 146-148
housework and. 112-113.225.252 224-225 love and, 217-219. 221-222
in immigrant families, 173 working-class. 289 marriage 133-134
of.
infertility and. 259-260 young. 43. 216. 224-227. 474. men. 43, 131-134, 216, 221-228
Irish,78-79 478-479 mentors and. 217. 219, 227
Jewish. 84-85 Work home)
(outside modem. 216
in later life, 44. 113. 118-119,149, African American voung men and. as new immigrants. 173-177
196.316.319,370.484-488 335 parenthood's impact on, 134
Latina. 74-77 class and, 90-91 poor, 227-229. 333-336
leaving abuser. 482. 484-485 conflict with family, 252-254 professional class, 96
lesbian. See Lesbians likelihood of marriage and, relationships of. 2 1 5-2 1 9.
loss and. 119-120. 195 365 299-300
loss of self in relationships, 235 men and. 296-297 return to/remaining in family
marriage and. 112-115. 232-233, in midlife. 295-297 home. 216. 299-300. 445-446
237. 254 single people and. 365. 369-370 self-imohement of. 216-217
in midlife. 113.117-118.287. women and. 110-112. 114. separation vs. affiliation conflict,
289-297.313.367-369. 224-225. 252-254. 295-296. 221-222
484 310.365 sibling relationships. 160-161
poor. 289. 336 youna adults and. 215-216. 219, singled364-368. 445-446
professional. 224-225 335 with single parents. 4 1
psychological abuse. 476, 483 Working-class families. 90. 95. 280, violence and. 470—474
rape and, A12-M1 289 wish for home. 218-219
remarriage. 420 women. 43. 216. 224-22". 474
in remarried families. 420 Young adults.215-229. See also 476-479
retirement. 310 Adolescents work and. 215-216. 219
Monica McGoldrick, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D.
(Hon.), is the Director of the Family Institute
of New Jersey. She is an Associate Professor
of Clinical Psychiatry at the Robert Wood
Johnson Medical School and Visiting Professor
at Fordham University School of Social Work.
After receiving a masters degree in Russian

Studies from Yale University in 1966. she
switched to social work and received her
M.S.W. from Smith College School for Social
Work in 1969. She later received an Honorary
Doctorate from Smith for her many
contributions to the field, only the third person
in the school's 50-year history to receive such
an honor. Monica McGoldrick is the recipient
of many other awards, including the
prestigious annual award of the American
Family Therapy Academy for Distinguished
Contribution to Family Therapy Theory and
Practice. She is known internationally for her
unique gifts as a lecturer.
Monica McGoldrick's books include:

Revisioning Family Therapy: Race, Culture
and Gender in Clinical Practice (1998). the first
book to lay out in a comprehensive way the
possibilities of revisioning the field for the
culturally diverse world of the twenty-first
century: You Can Go Home Again:
Reconnecting with Your Family (1995), a
popular book that uses the genograms of
famous families to explain the principles of
systems theory for a lay audience: Ethnicity
and Family Therapy. Second Edition (1996).
a classic text on the topic of ethnicity,
describing the typical patterns and values of
41 ethnic groups and providing suggestions
for clinical interventions for each: Genograms
in Family Assessment. Second Edition (1998).
also a classic text on this essential tool for
mapping and understanding families: Women
in Families (1989). which addresses the issues
of women in families and family therapy: and
Living Beyond Loss: Death in the Family (1988).
the first book to take a true systems view of
Monica McGoldrick's clinical
loss in families.
tape demonstrating the use of the life cycle
perspective with a multicultural remarried
family dealing with issues of unresolved
mourning was produced by Newbridge
Communications in 1996 and has become
one of the most respected works in their
professional therapist series.
PRINTED IN THE I NITED STATES OF AMERICA

—
"An excellent resource on the effects of race, class, and gender on individual development.
This book is filled with exciting new concepts for understanding the family."
Alvin F. Poussaint, M.D.
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical
School and Director, Media Center of the Judge Baker
Children's Center, Boston
"In The Expanded Family Life Cycle, Carter and McGoldrick reflect the way the world,
families, and thinking have changed since their classic The Family Life Cycle was published
nearly two decades ago. The volume, which brings together many of the most thoughtful
. . .
and creative voices in the family field, is rich and far ranging and provides stimulating
and informative resources for anyone working in health and human services."
Ann Hartman, D.S.W., Dean and Professor Emerita
Smith College School for Social Work
"Each new edition of The Expanded Family Life Cycle is both broader and deeper
expanding outward to embrace the increasing diversity of family life, with increasingly
penetrating analyses and perspectives. A marvelous resource for both students and
professionals."
Michael Kimmel, Ph.D., Professor,

Department of Sociology, SUNY at Stony Brook
"The Family Life Cycle was a classic. The Changing Family Life Cycle updated a classic.
The Expanded Family Life Cycle extends this classic work and broadens, deepens, and
enriches our understanding of the developmental challenges families face at the turn of
the century. . The Expanded Family Life Cycle should be required reading for all helping
. .
professionals. Its cultural sensitivity and emphasis on diversity of family forms makes it
the definitive, comprehensive text on American family life at the turn of the century."
Susan H. McDaniel, Ph.D., Professor,
Psychiatry and Family Medicine
University of Rochester Medical Center
"At a time when some bemoan the demise of the family, Betty Carter and Monica
prefer to
McGoldrick choose to examine contemporary families in all their rich diversity and
exuberance for life. I cannot imagine a better foundation for family therapists than this
splendid book."
Morris Taggart, Ph.D.
Psychologist and Family Therapist
"They have done it again this third edition by Carter and McGoldrick offers not only
. . .
the most stunningly comprehensive presentation of the family life cycle from the most
important perspectives of individual, family, and social, but chapter after chapter is rich
with applications to clinical practice. Every serious, committed or informed health
professional student, clinician, and/or teacher working with families must include this
book in their library."
Lorraine Wright, Ph.D., Faculty of Nursing

University of Calgary
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» .?'*'?

Betty Carter cofounded the Women's Project

Betty Carter has also written a trade book on

Betty has served on the Editorial Advisory

Of all her areas of special interest. Betty says

ALLYN AND BACON

any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, in-

cluding photocopying, recording, or by any information

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data 90000>

The expanded family life cycle : individual, family, and social

3. Family psychotherapy —United States. I. Carter, Elizabeth A.

Printed in the United States of America

Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D. Patricia L. Colucci. M.S.W.

Rhea V. Almeida, L.C.S.W., Ph.D., D.Y.S San Diego. San Diego, CA

Private Practice in family therapy, Metuchen, NJ

Faculty. Family Institute of Westchester. Metuchen, NJ

Clinical Coordinator, Family Intervention Services, New York. NY

Comprehensive Services of Aging (COPS A), White Plains. NY

Founder and Director Emerita, Family Institute of Jersey, Piscataway. NJ

Jodie Kliman, Ph.D. Nydia Garcia Preto, L.C.S.W.

Jo-Ann Krestan, M.A., M.F.T. Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry

UT University of Chicago, Chicago, IL

Visiting Faculty, Family Institute of New Jersey,

Stephen Lerner, Ph.D. White Plains, NY

Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick

The Family as a System Moving through Time 1

The Individual in the Family and in History 5

The Larger Society 1

The Changing Structure of Families 1

the Larger Social Structures of Society 20

CHAPTER 2 SELF IN CONTEXT: THE INDIVIDUAL LIFE CYCLE IN

CHAPTER 3 HISTORY, GENOGRAMS, AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE:

CHAPTER 4 CULTURE AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 69

CHAPTER 5 SOCIAL CLASS AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 88

CHAPTER 6 WOMEN AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 106

Women in the Middle: Women and Caretaking 1 13

Women and Marriage 114

Women and Loss 1 1

CHAPTER 7 MEN IN TRANSITION: THE "NEW MAN" 124

Men, Friendship, and the Men's Movements 129

CHAPTER 8 THE LATINO FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 141

Family Organization. Migration, and the Family Life Cycle 141

The Family with Young Children: Relatedness or Autonomy? 141

CHAPTER 9 SIBLINGS THROUGH THE LIFE CYCLE 153

Life Cycle 153

Gender Differences 155

CHAPTER 10 MIGRATION AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 169

Changes in Social Networks 171

CHAPTER 11 DEATH AND THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE 185

CHAPTER 12 CREATING MEANINGFUL RITUALS FOR NEW LIFE

CHAPTER 14 BECOMING A COUPLE 231

CHAPTER 15 BECOMING PARENTS: THK FAMILY WITH

CHAPTER 16 TRANSFORMATION OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM

CHAPTER 17 THE LAUNCHING PHASE OF THE LIFE

CHAPTER 18 FAMILIES IN LATER LIFE: CHALLENGES

CHAPTER 19 THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE OF AFRICAN AMERICAN

CHAPTER 20 LESBIANS, GAY MEN, AND THE FAMILY

CHAPTER 21 THE SINGLE ADULT AND THE FAMILY

CHAPTER 22 THE DIYORCE CYCLE: A MAJOR VARIATION IN THE

Gender Issues in Divorce 374

CHAPTER 23 DIVORCE: AN UNSCHEDULED FAMILY

CHAPTER 24 SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES: STRENGTHS,

CHAPTER 25 REMARRIED FAMILIES 417