The Wonderful Wide World of People 33

scene TV chat
TV chat show
Anna and Tyrone are seated beside three empty chairs
and a coffee table. They are beaming cheesily at
the audience. Guests enter from Left, exit Right. At
appropriate times a stagehand holds up an APPLAUSE sign to prompt the
audience.

Anna
People',
Hi! I'm Anna Conder. Welcome to "The Wonderful Wide World of
the show where you see more strange and unusual characters
than you thought possible! And here's my co-host, Tyrone
Saurus! Nice shirt, Tyrone!

Tyrone Hi, and thanks Anna! It's one hundred per cent polyester and it
was a present from my Mum. And speaking of presents, let me
present our first guest, Mark Clark from Albert Park!
[Applause as Mark Clark enters and sits.]

Mark
Hello. Nice to be here.

Anna
What do you do, Mark?

Mark I'm a trainer.

Tyrone

Mark [hesitantly] Sort of.

Anna Well, what do you train, Mark?

A sports trainer, Mark? A wild animal trainer?

--
 Mark
Vegetables.

Tyrone Vegetables?
Mark Yes, vegetables. Not your normal, domestic vegetables-those
weak, tame types you find at the greengrocer. That sort of
vegetable isn't dangerous. Not like the wild, killer veggies I risk my
life to tame!

Anna
So you see yourself just like a lion tamer?

Mark Yes, but it's much harder. Have you ever tried to teach a
pumpkin to jump through a hoop?

Tyrone Well, how do you do it, Mark?

Mark
It's a gift I have, Tyrone. I can relate to vegetables. I know how
to treat them with respect, as equals.
34 CLASS ACTS 1
‫די‬

Anna

Mark
I can understand that. And how do you get them to obey you?
It's a matter of knowing the right commands to give.
Look, I'll show you. [He pulls an avocado out of his
pocket.]
Tyrone [backing away] Isn't it
dangerous?
Mark No, I've tamed this one. I'll just put it on the table here, and
 you'll see.

Anna

Mark

Tyrone

Mark
It's not doing anything, Mark.
That's because it's asleep. I'll wake it up. Devil! Wake up!
[Pause.] There you go.
[Tyrone and Anna look at each other.]
Can we see some tricks now, Mark?
Certainly. Now remember, the secret is in knowing the right
commands to give. Here we go. [Sternly.] Devil, sit! [Nods,
smiling.] Good boy. Devil, play dead! Well done, fella! Now
watch this! [Stands up.] Devil, stay! [He walks off, looking over
his shoulder at the avocado.] There! [He comes back to his
seat, picks up the avocado, and puts it in his pocket.] Back
to sleep, Devil.

Tyrone That's it?

Mark Yes. It took me years to get him to that stage. What a talent!
Anna Mark, we think you're a fraud.

Mark

Anna
Me?

You claim to be a vegetable trainer, but the avocado is a fruit, Mark.

Tyrone
Can't you handle veggies, Mark?

Mark
 Anna

Anna
[breaks down and sobs] No, no. Carrots ignored me, potatoes
pretended I wasn't there. I couldn't even handle brussels
sprouts!
[Tyrone and Anna swivel away from Mark to face the
audience.]

Well, thanks for coming tonight, Mark!

[Applause as Mark shuffles offstage.]

Our next guest is Fay Day from Hobson's Bay, and she can't tell left from right!

Tyrone
The Wonderful Wide World of People 35

[Applause. Enter Fay, who looks confused, but eventually finds her way to
her chair.]
Hi, Fay! Is it true that you can't tell right from left?

Fay Right.

Or is it left from right?

Anna

Fay
Yes.

Tyrone
Which?

Fay
Right.
 Anna
I know how to sort this out. Fay, will you please hold up
your right hand?
[Fay holds up both hands.]
Tyrone Which hand do you write with, Fay?

Fay Write?

Anna Right?

Fay No, left.

Tyrone
You write with your left, right?

Anna

Fay
And you would have your right left, right?

[puzzled] Right.
Tyrone It seems simple to me. Thanks for coming,
Fay.

Anna
[Applause. Fay exits, going the wrong way at
first.]
Hey, what a show we're having tonight! Let's welcome our next
guest, Mr Dale Hale from Ascot Vale, who thinks he's a tree!
[Dale Hale enters, walking stiffly as though he can't bend.
He sits down awkwardly.]
Tyrone Thanks for coming, Dale. And how long have you thought you
were a tree?

Dale

Anna
Ever since I was a little sapling, Tyrone. I left home and
 branched out on my own, and I've been happy ever since.

And what sort of tree are you?

36 CLASS ACTS 1

Dale

Anna

Dale

Anna

Dale

Tyrone

Dale

Anna

Dale

Tyrone

Anna
Oh, various sorts. I used to think I was a gum tree, but too many koalas started climbing up
me. I was a rubber tree for a while, but I got tyred of that-a little
tree joke there for you, Tyrone. And now I'm a mighty oak.

And you have a family, Dale. How do they feel about this?
 Well, my wife thinks it's a bit strange, but our two acoms think it's
fun, except when I get angry. But my bark is worse than my bite.

Are they chips off the old block, Dale?

Certainly, Anna. They're proud of me. When someone says to them, 'Your Dad's a nutcase!'
they just smile and say, "That's right!'

And what does the future hold for you, Dale?

I often ask myself, "Wattle I be doing in ten years' time?' Tyrone,

the answer is that I don't know, but I just hope that I don't get
the chop.

Dale Hale, it's been great having you.

It's been great being great.

[Applause. Dale exits in his odd way.]

Our next guests are probably two of the most unusual we've ever had. Meet Barry and Harry
Parry from Glengarrie!

[Applause as Barry and Harry enter, each with one hand on the box they hold between them.
They sit, still holding the box.]

Hi guys! What's unusual about you?

Barry and Harry [together, slowly] We only have one brain.

Anna

Barry and Harry

But everyone has only one brain!

We only have one brain between us, Anna.

Tyrone
And where is it, fellas?
.
 [Harry snatches the box. Barry's mouth drops open and he
stares into space.]

Harry It's in this box, Tyrone. It's better if I do the talking because
I'm much smarter than him.

Anna
You do have one more brain than he has at the moment.

Tyrone And how did this all happen, Harry?

The Wonderful Wide World of People 37

Harry We heard that two heads are better than one, so we thought
we'd give it a try. We didn't realise that it meant two brains are better
than one, so we threw one away. We thought it would be more
efficient. I think Barry gave it to the cat. Let's check.
[Harry gives the brain box to Barry. Barry's face lights up,
and Harry's goes dull.]
Barry Yes, I gave it to Amold, our cat. He was hungry.
Tyrone I see. And what are the advantages of this system,
Barry?
Barry There aren't very many, Tyrone, but I can go and see a movie,
and when I get home Harry can use the brain to remember what it was like.

Anna

Barry
And the disadvantages?
Harry tricks me sometimes. He gave me a box with a sheep's brain in
it once, and he didn't snap me out of it until I'd eaten the whole front
lawn. He said it saved us buying a lawn
mower.

Tyrone Thanks for sharing your time with us, guys!

 Barry and Harry

Tyrone

Anna
[Barry puts the box back so they're both touching it.]
[together, slowly] That's okay. We're used to
sharing. [Applause as they exit.]
Our next guest tonight is Hilda Childer from St Kilda!
[Applause as Hilda enters, holding her stomach.]
Now, Hilda, you've eaten a whole car in just under a week, is
that right?

Hilda
Yes, Anna.

Tyrone
Amazing. And what was the hardest part?

Hilda Getting the car to stop, I suppose.

Anna
You were trying to eat a moving car?

Hilda

Tyrone

Hilda
Yes. It was very hard to hang on and munch on the bumper bar
while it was going a hundred kilometres an hour. It would have
been all right on a side street, but not on the freeway.
Uh huh. And what was the second hardest thing?

The road.
38 CLASS ACTS 1
:

Anna
You tried to eat the road, too?

Hilda No, but it was very hard when I fell off the car.

Anna

Hilda

Tyrone
Hilda
Okay. And did you have any trouble when the car was stationary?
Well, I had to make sure the owner of the car didn't see me.

Why not?

I thought he'd stop me eating his car.

Anna Didn't you ask him if you could?

Hilda
No.

Tyrone
Why not?

Hilda
I didn't think he'd let me.

Anna
Mmmm... And what was the tastiest part, Hilda?
Hilda The seat belts, definitely. Sort of like stale licorice.

Anna
And what's next for you, Hilda?

Hilda
I'm just going to take it easy. That's what my doctor said. ‘Take it
easy and stay away from magnets,' he said.
Tyrone Thanks for being here with us tonight. How about a big round
of applause for Hilda Childer from St Kilda!

[Applause as she
exits.]
Tyrone Hey, wow! This is the best show since we featured the man who
invented exploding trousers! Right, Anna?

Anna You bet. And since you liked those trousers so much, Tyrone,
I bought you a pair for your birthday.

Tyrone
You're all heart, Anna. And someone else who's all heart is our next
guest. Please welcome Jill Gill from Rooty Hill!
 Anna

Jill
[Applause as Jill enters, waves to the crowd and
sits.]
Hi, Jill, and welcome to 'The Wonderful Wide World of People'!

Thanks, Anna. Nice to be here.

Tyrone Why don't you tell the audience why you're so wonderful?
[modestly] All right, then. You've heard of people who can imitate bird
calls?
Jill
Anna

Tyrone

Anna

Tyrone
Anna
The Wonderful Wide World of People 39

Of course. They're sensational, and we had one on the show last year.
That's right. He did a terrific bull terrier call.

A bull terrier isn't a bird, Tyrone.

[puzzled] It's not? What about the

beak?
[to the audience] Don't worry about Tyrone, folks, he's a bit confused.
Tyrone [muttering] I was sure a bull terrier was a
bird.
Anna
 Jill

Anna
Now, Jill, why don't you give us a demonstration of your
ability to imitate... what is it you imitate?

Insects.

How original. Can you demonstrate some now?

Jill Delighted. [Puts both hands up in front of her chest
and wiggles them like claws.] Nik-nik-nik-nik-nik-nik.

[Applause.]
Anna

Jill
Hey, that's great. What sort of insect was that?
[frowns] That's not an insect. I just had something caught in my throat. [Coughs,
splutters, nods.] That's better. Here we go. [Wiggles claws
again.] Eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-ip!

Nik
Nik Nik
40 CLASS ACTS 1
수

Tyrone Fantastic! How about a round of applause!

Anna

Jill

Anna

Tyrone
 Anna

Jill

Anna

Jill
[Applause.]
Tell us about that one, Jill.

That was a red-banded mosquito singing the national anthem.

Stupendous! How about another?
[leaning forward] Can you do a bull terrier?
A bull terrier isn't an insect, Tyrone. Take it away, Jill.

[repeats the performance exactly as before, wiggling claws]

Eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee-ip!

Amazing! And that was...?

That was a lesser spotted weevil telling its friends about its
holidays.

Tyrone Talkative little fella, wasn't it?

Anna

Jill

Tyrone

Anna

Jill

Anna
I think I'm starting to see a pattern here, Jill. Tell me, do all your
insect calls sound the same?
 [offended] Only to the untrained ear. For example, you probably think this [Repeats her
standard insect sound.] sounds the same as this. [Repeats
standard sound.]

[scratches head] Well, to tell you the truth...

Jill Gill from Rooty Hill, I think it's time for you to do your imitation
of a bee.

What?

Buzz off. [Turns to audience.] Please thank Jill Gill from Rooty Hill!

[Applause as Jill Gill

leaves.]
Tyrone And now, I'd like you all to welcome the most
astounding,
amazing, fantastic, extraordinary, incredible, spectacular,
astonishing... [He goes blank.] Where was I?

Anna
[smoothly filling in] Please give a warm welcome to our next
guests, the Wren triplets! Jen, Ben and Len Wren, all way from
Watson's Glen!

[Applause as three completely different-looking people walk

in, smiling and waving the to the audience. They sit in a row in
this order-Jen, Ben, then Len.]
}

The Wonderful Wide World of People 41

Tyrone Welcome to the show, guys! Did you

getting here?
have any
any trouble

[The triplets all shake their heads, but they do it in a

peculiar manner. First one shakes, then the next, then the next, in
turn, as if they pass the head shake from one to the other.
Tyrone is flabbergasted.]
Anna Easy, Tyrone. Relax. [Consults her notes.] It says here that
 you're identical triplets.
[The triplets nod, again passing the nod down the
line.]
Tyrone [frowning] But you don't look
identical.
[The triplets speak one word at a time, quickly passing the
sentence along from each to the other.]

Only
Jen

Ben
In

Len Looks,

Jen Tyrone.

Ben We're

Len
Identical

Jen In

Ben All

Len
Other

Jen Ways.

Ben

Len

Anna
[Slight pause.]
 Just

About.

[While this is going on, Anna and Tyrone are having great
difficulty following the bouncing ball conversation. Lots of
blinking and head shaking.]
[recovering herself] I see. And when did you discover
your unique method of talking?
[Triplets reply in puzzled
manner.]
Jen
What

Ben
Unique
*

42 CLASS ACTS 1

Len
Method

Jen
Of

Ben
Talking,

Len Anna?

Tyrone You don't finish your

sentences!
Jen
Yes

Ben
We

Len
Do!

Anna
In fact, Tyrone, they do.
 [Triplets smile at each other, congratulating
themselves.]
Jen
See?

Ben
I

Len
Told

Jen You

Ben She

"

Len Was

Jen The

Ben Smart

Len One!

Anna It's just that you finish your sentences all together. It's a
group effort.

[A nod rapidly passes down the

line.]
Jen
That's

Ben Right,

Len Anna.

Jen Say,
Ben Have

Len You

Jen Ever

Ben Thought
T
x
 Len Of

Jen Getting

Ben Your
The Wonderful Wide World of People 45

Len Own

Jen Show?

Ben
You're

Len Great!

Tyrone Oh, I see! You pass the sentence on to each other! Bit by bit
you get it done!

[The triplets turn to Anna.]

Jen
He's

Ben
As

Len
Thick

Jen As

Ben Three

Len
Bricks!

Anna
[to audience] The amazing Wren triplets! A great team, and
smart, too! Give them a big hand!

[Wild applause as the triplets exit.]

 The Wonderful Wide World of People Cont'd

Anna: The amazing Wren Triplets! A great team, and smart, too! Give them a big hand!
(continue with new script)

Tyrone: (Very excited, like a little child) Anna, Anna, Anna.... You aren't going to believe
your eyes!

Anna: Let me guess, you learned how to do math.

Tyrone: That's what calculators are for. Besides, this is soooooo exciting, I'm not going to let
you ruin it for me. Our next guest believes he is INVISIBLE! (They both look, but no one comes
on. Tyrone's mouth drops, OMG). OMG... it's true, I can't see anybody. (He runs his hand over
the couch. Anna hits herself in the head with her clipboard.)

Anna: Tyrone, we haven't invited the guest in from the green room yet. Please welcome Mr. Wisible who
believes he's invisible.

(Jack walks on stage, clearly looking embarrassed).

Tyrone: Awww... I can see you.

Jack: I know, because I'm standing right here. I'm not the invisible one, it's my cousin Wally
Wisible. Wally, make your entrance.

Wally: (Runs on stage) Here I am world and you can't see me! (He runs into the couch and
falls over. Tyrone and Anna jump up to help). Sorry about that. I guess the couch is invisible
too. (Whispers to Jack). Jack, where do I go now?

Jack: Cuz, the couch is behind you. (Wally sits on Ana's lap). Nope, that's a person...
a little to the left....(sits on Tyrone) Your other left. (Anna gets up and help Wally to the couch
and sits next to him)

Tyrone: You seem to be having some trouble Mr. Wisible, or can I cally you
Wally.
Wally: Wally is fine Tyrone (looking at Anna).

Jack: You are looking at Anna.

Wally: (Looks at Tyrone) and I have to say Anna, that you are as beautiful as everyone lead
me to believe.

Jack: You are talking to Tyrone.

Wally: (Looks at Anna) Don't worry Tyrone, you are looking pretty masculine yourself.
Touches, Anna's arm bicep)... but it wouldn't hurt you to hit the gym. (Anna pulls away and
goes back to her chair.)

Anna: Mr. Wisible.

Tyrone: Call me Wally.

Anna: Wally, what makes you think you are invisible?

Wally: Well, because I can't see you, so clearly you can't see me!

Tyrone: That makes a weird amount of sense. (He puts hands over eyes and shakes head
positively).

Anna: But I can see you.

Jack. Oh, Oh....here we go again.

Wally: What do you mean?

Anna: You are sitting on the couch. (He jumps up). Now you are standing. (He jumps behind
the couch). And now you are hiding behind the couch.

Wally: But you can't see me.

Tyrone: He's right, I can't see him now.

Wally (Jumps up): See I'm invisible.

Anna: I can see you.

Wally: WHAT? Are you wearing sci-fi x ray glasses? Is she cousin?

Jack: No, no glasses.

Anna: Everyone in the whole audience can actually see you and while we are on the matter, we are
all wondering why you decided to wear a sack!

Wally: YOU CAN SEE ME? YOU CAN ALL SEE ME! (To cousin) AND YOU LET ME LEAVE
THE HOUSE WEARING A SACK! I'll never live this down. I'm out of here.... (runs away,
trips, runs into wall, exits)
Jack: Sorry about the sack. That was kind of my private joke. My cousin's been blind since
the age of 9. It was winter and he was cold, so he pulled his scarf over his head and ran for
home, but he ran straight into an electricity pole and knocked himself out.

Anna: That's horrible.

Tyrone: So that's when he became invisible?

Jack: (Looking confused) No, that's when he decided the electricity pole gave him
superpowers and made him invisible.

Anna: So he's actually blind.

Jack: As a bat. And since my family felt so bad for him, they've never told him. They just let
him believe he's invisible.

Anna: Thanks for being here Jack and look after your cousin for us.

Jack: Thanks for having us.

Tyrone: Anna, I was lucky enough to meet our next guests in the green room before the
show. Let's just say... their odor precedes them.
Anna: Tyrone, are you trying to say they smell worse than your cheap cologne?

Tyrone: I'll have you know Anna, that many a lady swoons when she gets a whiff of me.

Anna: Tyrone.... Only you would think a lady passing out cold was "falling for you."

Tyrone: (Looking upset) Perhaps it's time to bring our next guests out to meet the studio
audience. Let's meet Fred, Wilma and Pebbles Steeple, the Cave People.

(Guests arrive. They are exploring as they have never seen a place like this. Pebbles tries to
eat something. Mother pulls it away.)

Wilma: Don't put that in your mouth Pebbles... it could be dirty.

(Fred is smelling Anna's hair. Anna looks nervous.)

Anna: What is he doing?

Wilma: He's trying to get your scent in case you get lost in the forest and he has to track
you down.

Tyrone: (Under his breath) If she gets lost, I suggest we leave her that way.

Fred: You smell good. Better than food. (hums deep in throat)

Anna: (Flirtatiously) Oh Fred!

Tyrone: Folks, why don't we all sit down. (Anna and Tyrone sit in chairs. Family sits on floor)

Anna: Wouldn't you be more comfortable on the chairs?

Pebbles: We don't trust the structure. It looks flammable. Dad discovered fire last week and he burned down
most of our home.

Wilma: That's how those archaeologists found us. They saw smoke and found us in our
cave.
Fred: They were weird looking people. Their clothes were not any animal skin I've seen.

Wilma: (Starts touching Anna's clothes) What is this skin? You'll have to tell me the secret of
how you got rid of all the fur?

Anna: These are called clothes. I bought them in a store.

Wilma: A what?

Pebbles: (Starts banging on things) I'm hungry.

Fred: Don't worry honey, (Looks out at audience) I'll go kill one of these strange looking
animals.

Wilma: I'll help.

Pebbles: (Claps happy) Yeah, food!

Anna: (Super nervous) Oh, no need to kill anyone. I'm sure we have some food backstage.

Fred: Is it fresh?

Tyrone: If you mean, was it picked months ago, sat in some storage shed, then put on a
truck and brought to a grocery store, where it got picked over for weeks, before our producer
picked it up and put it in her basket. Then yes.

Wilma: This one talks too much.

Anna: I totally agree. (Signals assistant to bring food. Family grabs and starts to eat in a
wild way. Anna and Tyrone start to back up terrified.)

Tyrone: Anna, perhaps now is the time for a commercial break?

Anna: It's like a train wreck, I can't look away.

Tyrone: I've got an idea... (Pointing off stage) Is that a McDonald's hamburger?

Pebbles: I've heard about those. Can we go daddy?

Fred: Follow me. (Jumps over couch.)

Wilma: I think I can see the Golden arches from here. (They run out, leaving a mess behind. Pebbles
runs back in.)

Pebbles: Can I take this to go? (Anna, gulps and nods. Pebbles grabs food and leaves.)

Anna: Wait till they check out the treat of the month
Tyrone: Now for our next guest of the day we have quite a treat for you. Please welcome
Pete Fleet from London Street.

Anna: This is quite a treat indeed Tyrone as Mr Fleet finally decided to come in and meet our studio
audience.

Tyrone: What those of you at home do not realize is Mr. Fleet is the most indecisive man in
the world. Is that right Mr. Fleet?

Pete: Ummmm....

Devil: Don't answer that question, he's trying to make you look dumb.

Angel: He's just making conversation. It's why you are here in the first place.

Pete: Yes, I'm rather indecisive. Well, not really. Well, maybe a little. Yes. No. Yes.

Anna: Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Was it difficult to leave your home this morning?

Pete: (Goes to open mouth and makes motions to talk but glances over shoulder).

Angel: I told him it was a beautiful day and that he needed some fresh air and contact with
other people like yourselves.
 Devil: Yeah well I won't be held responsible if he gets run over by a car when we walk out
this door, or abducted by aliens, or put in prison for parking fines.

Pete: It's very rare that I go outside these days. There are so many dangers out there. The world
is a scary place.

Angel: Nonsense.

Devil: Exactly.

Tyrone: I notice that you brought along some friends.

Pete: Who? (Looks over shoulder) These guys...they aren't exactly friends. They help me to
make informed decisions. You never know when you might make a decision that might affect you for the
rest of your life.

Tyrone: Wow, if I had to consult two people with every decision I made, I wouldn't
have time to get dressed in the morning.
Anna: (To Tyrone. Sarcastically) Well you certainly wouldn't get out the door looking
like
that!

Tyrone: (Looks down surprised at the negative comment to his outfit)

Anna: Mr. Fleet can I offer you a cookie?

Pete: Ummmm...

Devil: You can't afford the calories.

Angel: Oh they look homemade. A little bite wouldn't hurt.

Pete: They look good. I shouldn't. (Looks at angel). Maybe just a bite. (Looks hopeful,
takes
a bite, (looks at devil. Puts the cookie back.) I feel so guilty.

Devil: Oh sure, put it back on the plate. Infect everyone with your germs.

Pete: I think I should go home now. (stands up looking sad) I hope there won't be a stampede of
wild elephants, that recently escaped from the zoo, who tread upon my like I'm an insignificant
ant.

(Angel and devil follow still talking)

Angel: Look on the bright side, you've never seen a real elephant up close.

Devil: I'm sure it will be super interesting, just as the pad of his foot crushes your bones into the
cracks of the sidewalk.

Pete: Oh dear.

(Tyrone is on his knees looking under the couch for something.)

Anna: Oh dear is right. That poor, poor man. Tyrone what are you doing?

Tyrone: I'm looking for my decision committee.

Anna: If you had a decision committee, they certainly would not have let you come today
dressed like that.

Tyrone: Well I happen to know there are some people on this Earth that dress stranger than
me. I saw some of them sitting in the waiting room backstage.
Anna: Actually Tyrone, they are not from Earth, which is a great excuse for the way they
dress. Let's welcome Mutoe, Rootoe, Chootoe and Zalutoe from the planet Pluto.

Tyrone: I thought scientists decided that Pluto was no longer a planet.

Zalutoe: (Starts to weep very dramatically.)

Tyrone: I'm so sorry, did I say something to upset her. I was just saying how Pluto wasn't a
planet anymore.

Zalutoe: (Starts to cry even harder).

Rootoe: How dare you upset our sister in that way?

Tyrone: I didn't mean to upset anyone. I was just saying how Pluto isn't a planet.

Zalutoe: (Starts to cry EVEN louder. Everyone has to speak louder to be heard).

Tyrone: (Loudly over crying) Did I say something wrong?

Rootoe: The problem is it is SOOOO WRONG?

Tyrone: That pluto isn't a...

Anna: (To Tyrone) Stop saying that! (To Z) Stop crying! I can't hear myself think. (Z quietly
sobs while Ch rubs her shoulders)

Chootoe: We are so sorry Anna. Zalutoe has been very upset since that news came out.

Rootoe: How would you feel if your planet got downgraded from a planet to measly little
star.

Tyrone: I'm a star and I quite like it.

Zalutoe: (Starts crying again.)

Anna: Zalutoe, just ignore Tyrone. I know we do! I can certainly understand how upsetting
that might be.

Zalutoe: Being a planet is considered significantly important. Not so a (voice breaks)

... a SSSSTTTAAAARRRR.

Chootoe: I mean how do scientists know that Pluto isn't a star? Did they visit? NO!
Rootoe: No one thought to ask us and we are the ambassador's for Pluto!
Anna: Obviously you would be the best ones to check with.

Mutoe (Chootoe if only 3 aliens.): We happened to be on holiday in Hawaii that week and
we got back to hear the news.

Rootoe: Hawaii is most like our planet of Pluto.

Anna: Really, that's amazing. I would love to visit Pluto one day.

Chootoe: Sadly you wouldn't make it there before you died.

Rootoe: It takes more than 248 light years to travel that distance.

Tyrone: Well how did you guys get here to act as Ambassadors.

Mutoe (Rootoe if only 3 aliens) We were sent as eggs on the mother ship and were born
somewhere on the journey.

Zalutoe: We also have a longer life span. Most Plutonians live to be at least 500 years old.

Anna: That is fascinating!

Rootoe: Thank you Anna, it certainly is a fascinating place!

Chootoe: We are very proud to be from Pluto!

Tyrone: But wait a second, that means you have never actually seen Pluto?

Mutoe(Chootoe if only 3 aliens.):: That's true Tryone, but on the journey here our parents
put us to bed with fabulous bedtime stories about Pluto.

Tyrone: My parents put me to bed with stories too and most of them had animals that talked
and we all know that isn't true. How do you know the stories were true? (Zalutoe starts to cry again.)

Anna: Tyrone... let's assume the stories were true.

Tyrone: Maybe the whole Pluto thing is a myth your parents sold to you. (Louder
crying) Maybe Pluto isn't even a star. (Louder) Maybe it doesn't even exist!
(Chaos ensues! Tyrone is being chased around the stage by aliens. Zalutoe is openly
weeping on the floor. Anna is looking overwhelmed! Tyrone leads the aliens out of the door to hall.)

Anna: (Standing on couch) Thank you to our guests from the PLANET Pluto!

Tyrone: (Tyrone re-enters looking disheveled... clothing is a mess, hair insane, huffing and
puffing.) I think I lost them. (Sees Zalutoe who is openly glaring... treats her like a wild animal.)
Hello nice little Plutonian.

Zalutoe: Grrrr! (Makes a run at Tyrone who quickly steps out of the way and Zalutoe runs out the
door).

Tyrone: That was quite the move... she will be quite the Star! (You see Zalutoe hit the window
and glare. Tyrone hides behind Anna.)

(Continue from old script)

Anna: And as the sandwich said when it saw the greaseproof paper, "That just about wraps it
up!"

Tyrone: Next week, we'll have a man who juggles worms and a granny who knits
underwater.

Anna: And we'll have a woman who knows how to say "I have a very big nose' in twenty different
languages.

Tyrone: Until then, it's goodnight from us, and we'll see you next week. And if you turn on
your TV, you'll see us!

Anna: Goodnight from the "Wonderful Wide World of People.'

OPTIONAL EXTRA PARTS

Producer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, oh and you too Uncle Larry. We have quite a
treat in store for you today. That's right, you are about to witness the number one rated reality show
Wonderful Wide World of People. We all have an Uncle Larry or that strange neighbor down the
street that likes to do ballet while watering his lawn. On this show we celebrate the CRAZY, the
WACKY and the absolutely AMAZING.... This show is about People who are NOT like me and YOU!
And who better to introduce us to this amazing folks but your very own Anna Conder and
Tyrone Saurus. Without further ado... put your hands together and welcome your hosts for today!

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Commercial 2 - Dab It

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