FORGIVENESS

“A willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior
toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion,
generosity, and even love toward him or her.”

Forgiveness in Islam

As human beings we are responsible, but we do also make mistakes and we are constantly in
need of forgiveness. Islam speaks about two aspects of forgiveness:

a) Allah’s forgiveness

b) Human forgiveness

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Evolutionary Basis of Forgiveness

Forgiveness may break the violent cycle in humans. Lacking the mechanisms to lessen
the potential for aggression and relative counter-aggression, humans may risk an escalating cycle
that threatens the demise of the entire group. In this sense, there is an evolutionary advantage to
forgiving actions in that they lower the overall level of hostility, thereby enhancing the survival
chances of the larger group. Indeed, people who display forgiveness toward their transgressors
produce positive feelings in surrounding people who were in no way involved in the
confrontation, thereby stabilizing the social order. In short, forgiveness represents a process that
has an adaptive evolutionary advantage in that it helps to preserve the social structure.
Forgiveness involves a person’s sense of self because it is the source that is damaged during
transgression (Offence) by another. Perception of the self is crucial from an evolutionary
standpoint because it is the self that the person strives to preserve over time.

Neurobiological Basis of Forgiveness

The sense of self is located in the frontal, parietal, and temporal lobes, which receive input from
the sensory system and the hippocampus. Injury to the self is registered via sensorimotor input,
and this input is mediated by the limbic system, the sympathetic nervous system and the
hypothalamus.
Cultivating Forgiveness

Forgiving another Person

• In this model, in which forgiveness is the goal, the first step is to promote a non-distorted,
realistic appraisal of the relationship between the two people.
• The second step is the attempt to facilitate a release from the bond of ruminative,
negative affect held toward the violating (transgressing) partner.
• The third step is to help the victimized partner lessen his or her desire to punish the
transgressing partner.

Cognitive and Affective Processing

It required rectifying incongruency once the injury is realized. Many possible approaches are
specific to each individual:

• Spiritual approach – God loves everyone, and God would forgive them
• Humanistic approach – We are all people
• Rationalistic approach – We recognize that all people are imperfect
• Empathic approach – We understand why the other person did what they did.
• Apologetic approach – Requires apology from the perpetrator

Model of Everett Worthington (1998)

Another productive approach for helping couples deal with infidelity is the forgiveness model.
This model is based on helping the partners through the five steps of the acronym REACH:

· Recall the hurt and the nature of the injury caused

· Promote Empathy in both partners

· Altruistically give the gift of forgiveness between partners

· Commit verbally to forgive the partner

· Hold onto forgiveness for each other.

FORGIVING ONESELF ???