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Sunday, 12 September 2021 Pages

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Is This What It Feels Like To Be Dating Your Best About me
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▼ 2022 (3) Search

Today marks the first time we've met in a couple of months ▼ August (1)
Acceptance
since the lockdown! I need to document this here :D At Last

My beau's personality is so easy-going and winsome. The ► March (1)

► January (1)
entire stress-free and conflict-free date from beginning to
► 2021 (16)
end makes me feel really relieved and light, it feels like I
► 2020 (3)
am dating my best friend!! So is THIS how it feels like? Kind ► 2019 (7)
of sweet and simple. Cheerful on a whole. Sometimes ► 2018 (16)

lukewarm, but never dull. For instance, I always turn to ► 2017 (20)

Fadz for fun catch ups and a little bit of chatter and Qian ► 2016 (1)
► 2015 (9)
for more in-depth/spiritual conversations and personal
► 2014 (12)
development/self-love. ► 2013 (25)
► 2012 (22)
When I am with my beau, it feels like a combination of
► 2011 (39)
several people who have my best interests at heart
(parent+friend+family- the caring and simple honest
communication and of course, a lover+boyfriend- the
sweet/nice gestures). 
Quite different from the power struggle that I was used to
where it would always be hotly contested on  whose
opinion or method is superior or right + anxiety (around
communication/separation) + tip toeing around
tantrums/tempers/withdrawals/fights, over here in this
current reality with my beau, none of these troubles exist!
It is just a warm ball of healing light energy! *Heal *Heal
For instance, there is no issue when I take a nap while he
cooks. And while I am being calculative and watching every
penny that we spent like a hawk, he is ever so gracious to
let go of the little things like:
-Paying for parking
-Paying for my batteries (that was not part of his groceries
list)
-Being OK with paying first and not asking to split the bill
immediately- it's around RM53 (but giving a hint asking for
a treat in return in a friendly/teasing tone)
-And yes, giving in to buy the safe item at my request.
Even taking a very full on responsible and happy tone, with
chips and all to avoid any awkwardness on his end with the
cashier.
-Buying and gifting me a brand new book (more on this
later)
-Non monetary effort and contribution, such as cooking,
cleaning, washing up WITHOUT my help/involvement and
feeling 100% okay about this. Even asking me to sleep/nap
while he is at it.
I am very grateful and he always teases me about having a
handsome beau who can cook at the same time- what a
win for me! But he doesn't do that in a derogatory manner,
and I carefully note that while commenting about his
weight (fat etc.) and hair, I should also adapt this example
and not go too far to include negative words (such as ugly).
Fat is okay because he uses the word first. 
And also love how he prepares meal from scratch, a
homemade meal like how my Aunt or parent would do it,
which is a super tedious chore by all means (the cutting,
chopping, peeling, marinating etc. then cooking- boiling,
frying, washing the pots and pans etc. before the actual
meal can be served). When we go out, we can act like both
friends and lovers- holding hands and walking everywhere
(I saw couple actually swinging their arms together like
little kids lol!). When sat on the table, we are able to keep
a conversation going over yummy food and  simply ponder
on some idle chatter about life. This is repeated as well
during post-coital cuddles where the vibe is just warm and
very chilled and relaxed. 
Omg, while there is no reason to go GAGA about him, since
I am getting very used to his height and his good looks, this
factor is a game changer! He is intuitive, thoughtful and
THINKS FOR MY SAKE...: 
-He actually picked up the parking card from his
housemate just to make it a nicer experience (hassle free)
for me to park at his apartment (I have been going the
visitor parking route countless time so this is a nice touch
although not a necessity! He is going the extra mile to do
things that are not needed but would enhance our
meetups, and that is gold!!)
-He actually listens, considers, and thinks of my
problems. The various times where I vent about the
source of my stress, my hatred of other people, my thirst
to be superior and be acknowledged, and my envy of
successful friends!! Instead of trying to change me
directly and talking to me as an advisor/senior, he
bought me a book on that topic! >3 
-He had listened to the audio book twice and still
remembers the knowledge fresh. He actually bought a
book just for me and signed it in the foreword, saying that
that he himself has listened to the book twice and hope
that I would find it helpful.  

-And if possible, not just read the book but use it wisely (in
other words, apply the knowledge). 

And in the end, doing the act safely was okay after all. I
had a big barrier and stone weight removed as this used to
be A HUGE ISSUE (I even considered getting arm implants!).
Now I know that we can have fun and I can still be
protected and not have to worry myself sick. He did not
complain about this and that alone really empowered me
by knowing first hand how we CAN WORK THINGS OUT BY
BEING UNDERSTANDING, knowing that I am able to speak to
him about potentially difficult or unpleasant issue or
requesting such favours.

I guess the only thing left is to make sure that (since he is

a carefree happy lad) I focus on my happiness and well-
being, being really WHOLE as a person. So that when we
come together, we will have loads of things to share, to
talk about, and to enjoy each other's company. And not to
mention, being supportive when someone embarks on a
quest or encounter something particularly challenging. 

I must say that the carefree, easy dates has really been a
breeze and I look forward so much to it. I thought it would
be predictable because my beau seems like a predictable
and straightforward guy, but he has a upbeat and
optimistic personality as well! Such as not wanting to cut
his hair (growing it for whatever reason/fancy on his whim)
and ignoring everybody else and sticking to his plan (he got
a mind of his own), and showing his empathy and support
towards me via a wonderful, sensible (and practical) gift as
a guide and helper, with his acknowledgement note inside
the cover. 

I have never found any reasons to fight with my friends.

Every time I meet up with them, be it Fadz, Pauline,
Michel, Alice, Rayelene, Polly, it is always catching up to
enjoy some good food and talking about what is FUN in life
and what is current, and offering support/empathy for
anyone facing any issues or challenges (although this
person is usually ME). As a rule of thumb, with friends, it is
advisable to demand less and forgive more (whether it's
just cutting them some slack - not being angry when
people do a 'no-show'/last minute cancellation or no
reply/slow reply; or giving help when needed- with the
exception of not mixing business with pleasure- although
this may have changed a little as well). 

With my beau, I feel that (this time!!) he could actually be

both my friend and my lover!! The compassion is there, so
is the listening and caring (with fuss free hang outs), and
even down to the (acts of) service such as cooking and
shared responsibilities such as budgeting for our dates and
treating each other frequently.  Just like (when on) trips
with Fadz, we are able to rationally and calmly work out
contributions and equations. While beau and I have not
travelled together yet, so far talking about money isn't a
deal breaker, taboo or a fight initiator- and he is just as
happy to pick up the tab as he is about being with me. 

Willingly and happily doing it without any grudges behind

my back or something that could come back and bite me.
As a lover, beau is more about intimacy and enjoyment in
comfort- a nice big bed and plump pillows- rather than
sizzling stunts (e.g. attempting a 'Karma Sutra'). Which is
why our positions are the same but with good execution
(only comment is that, foreplay could be longer since I
really like this- bring touched and worshipped)! Although
he doesn't worship me, nor me, him. Maybe acceptance is
the key. For now, I just enjoy the feeling of clicking
together and feeling safe, warm, protected, and secure.
Sometimes I zone out (like in a meditative state!) to focus
on only the sensations. With no glorifying and worshipping
and stroking my ego, this could be healthier so that I don't
latch too strongly on my ego identity of 'asking-for-
affirmation-praise-validation-pat-on-the-head-good-girl-
star-of-the-show'. And swallow my pride to be more
humble, yet still as beautiful and lovely as ever, and even
more genuine.  I could still feel his eagerness every time
and sees his reaction of how he (asks for and) enjoys my
act on him. And that is comforting and reassuring. 

I guess for guys like him- once they've completed it, they
don't really think about it... It's all part and parcel of a
loving and healthy relationship where every day, it
starts anew- the chance for you to be kind and caring
towards your significant other and demonstrate it through
various acts, be it checking up daily on their well-being via
texts/call, cooking or sharing food, making love on the
weekend, or just hanging out with some good food or
quality activity. Occasionally, gift-giving with a good
intention or an appropriate occasion. 

This must be the magic formula to lasting relationships. I

really think I have found it! The feeling is REALLY like
dating your best friend kind of fairytale! No kidding! From
the former story of- instead of a heartthrob artist running
wild and sexy (the only fun part) to turning hot and cold
with you, the warmest being showing at your near-
deathbed, and the coldest being getting dumped and
withdrawing from fights and leaving to making up/chasing
to you, then in the process shredding your mind to pieces,
riding a separation anxiety/esteem hit roller coaster, and
driven to half-insanity at some points.... This current
reality is a tale where the stranger you meet at first
sight is kind, considerate but also firm and decisive- with
his own standards/morals/(Stoic) principles (from start to
present). Where (a steadily developed) friendship
(cautious and attentive) is a stronger point of the
relationship foundations than purely satiating adult
desires. How extending a helping hand and fulfilling
another's concern is more important about following a
single person's desire. And how romance is continuously
kept alive because of the sweetness of the simple, little
kind acts and keen observations (which is later used to
help, not to hinder or criticize). 
Posted by Joanne Chua at 4:08 am No comments:

Friday, 10 September 2021

Take it as it comes!
Over and over... the only truth... take it as it comes!
To take things as they come... that will be my greatest
lesson of all time. To deal with and accept events as
they occur, with a composed state of mind, as opposed
to planning for it beforehand.
All my planning has been high energy, low return. High
tension, low reward. I am stressed for nothing, it would
seem!  
After a complete string of days thinking, planning and
brainstorming for a virtual team building activity, it has all
come to naught. I really actually put my thinking cells
hundred per cent into this one!! Thinking of almost nothing
else at night, and binge watching countless videos about
ice breaking over Zoom calls and Zoom games to play in
large groups. 
My continuous effort was halted once, with some
unplanned shenanigan suddenly popping up a week before.
And then unclear miscommunication ensues, with no one
communicating with each other- much less me! Throw in a
goody two-shoes blurry CEO and swamped-to-his-forehead
Team Lead and you have total chaos.
The good news out of all this is that- hurray! This won't be
part of the KPI, so thank God. And I get to be all Hobbit-up
in my actual KPI related TTD. I don't like how HR ruins
everything in every single company. They suck out the fun.
A non-work related event should be just chill and have
fun, instead of harping on company values. 
On a more personal end. I actually received some
shockwaves too from my beau! I worked up my courage to
tell him to put a sock on it! And painstakingly planned the
moment where I would break the unwelcome news,
complete with a screencast recording on my iPhone,
demonstrating the app. The whole night until 5 A.M., I was
researching ovulation and how best to structure my
sentences and my thoughts so there won't be an unpleasant
air. 
I went back and forth to whether I should confront him
over the phone or in person. And I had to set up the scene
perfectly for an audio call. Where you can talk and share,
and not feel so vulnerable because you are not being
stared at. I was nervously explaining how important the
'talk' of the topic was, and giving him the option first to
quit and switch to Plan B, and then explaining WHY I would
need him to play it safe and be responsible since it's a high
risk day that we are meeting. Before I could say the words,
he asked me, 'Are you saying that you want me to purchase
the said thing?'. I froze and hesitantly said yes and gave all
the reasons as to why...(in my head I was going blah blah,
blah blah)... and his voice cut through the air. Okay... and
that was it!!!! I tried to backpedal and affirm it, and
reminded him that he had let it slip before that he loves it
al naturale and even to the point about sharing the P.C.
with him and what not. Again, he just said it, without a
hint of tension at all, 100% relaxed voice, saying that I
don't have to worry AT ALL, he would definitely do it
without a problem. 
I think I went through so much PREP in my head that it was
unbelievable that he approved in mere seconds. I had to
press him for details to convince myself he had indeed,
said yes, in an easy breezy manner, to which he replied,
that HE IS NOT SELFISH LIKE MY EX. And that he had put a
sock on it before in his long term previous relationship.
The one which is like 6, or 7 years or something. 
The only thing left to be shocked about...was his sudden
trip he booked with his mates. I can't help but feel
territorial and a tad jealous that HE DIDN'T CONSULT ME...
and then I realized that SNAP! This is a BRAND NEW
RELATIONSHIP where we did NOT have to ask for
permission to hang out with our friends... or book trips
with our friends... or pretty much anything to do outside
the relationship... we can just execute it solo!
I guess I still carried over that 'culture' where it's you and
me first, friends and family last, from the previous
relationship. That I felt hurt that when the SOPs are
relaxed, I wasn't the FIRST person on his mind to travel
with. Not that he is a planner. His friends asked him to
come along. And he said yes. PROBABLY in the same
manner he said yes to my lengthy request. 
The only other tripper is when he forgot or made my
birthday a month earlier. At least he got the date 8th
correct  =.= But since we haven't celebrated before, I will
remind him that my birthday is a month ahead of his. I get
to celebrate before he gets to celebrate. And that's that. 
So in the end. It was no use stressing out about my
ovulation, the responsible 'talk' which felt like a deal
breaker... because he said yes. Swift like the wind. And it
was no use stressing out about my image in the company
with the stupid games that got cancelled because of some
idiotic HR or management. Who doesn't understand
playtime means playtime. 
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IS REAL. And time to put an
end to it!!
Posted by Joanne Chua at 2:09 am No comments:

Monday, 6 September 2021

On The Choice of Children

According to the very thought provoking video. 

You're f**ked either way!

Just a matter of which way you get f**ked is slightly more

comfortable. When choosing, you are not essentially
choosing a 'right' or 'wrong' answer, as there is no such
thing! Suffering is written in all the answers. Both choices
WILL lead to pain- just different forms of pain and
suffering. 

Let's picture it now...

Suffering A
- You have the kid(s). Physical deterioration (e.g. body
losing shape) and emotional toll (e.g. pregnancy blues or
postpartum depression- whatever that is).  
-The kid(s) brings on the stress of parenting and the lack of
sleep, lack of freedom (restriction on movement) and
burns a financial hole. 
-Pushing your buttons and there's no emergency brake
when you need it. No way to reset things easily which tests
your (already thin) patience. 
-You may be disappointed with yourself.
-You may be disappointed with the kid(s). 
-You may even be disappointed with your partner's
approach to parenting. And if you fight about this, bye bye
marital bliss and bye bye happy sexy hours!
- You may be tempted to have loud, crazy tongue lashing
to reprimand your kid(s) but for the sake of showing who is
the real adult and being a good role model, you had to act
completely calm and cool (even though you are boiling
inside)!
-You may cry about feeling abandoned by kid(s) when they
want nothing much to do with you once they have flown
the nest (caught up with their work/studies, occupied with
friends/bf/gf, moving away).
-You may feel overwhelmed (inside) and unattractive
(outside) and vehemently fight this battle with some
strategies in place (consult friends and YouTube). 

Suffering B
-Nothing changes on your end. Your body is practically the
same and your main concerns (main thoughts) are still no
different than your 20s (work, eat, rest, play (digital
entertainment) and then repeat). 
-Meanwhile, everyone or everything else changes. (You may
struggle to relate to your friends or peers.) Before that,
they were simply too busy to hang out and slow to reply
texts/left you on 'read' and never replied until you follow
up. Now, even if you catch them in person (which is as rare
as once in a blue moon), they fall into these two
categories:
1. Ambitious business people / top ladder climber
2. Ambitious parents
Neither of which makes a good conversation since you have
nothing of these in common/to offer and swap stories. This
isn't the age where you could talk about boys or little rants
about co-workers anymore. 
-As friends are scare, you turn to family members but you
know they are not substitutes for same age friends.
Everyone has their own agenda now- younger sister is living
her society life while older brother could be married
already. And you know you don't want to be stuck talking
to the younger brother alone or sitting with your parents
alone. 
-There isn't a male companion for many many years on the
line for you to do couple things, dates, and the likes- not
to mention no love life equals to no sex life. At your age,
hookups don't cater to you as men are only on the prowl
for sweet young things and you certainly do NOT want to
feel used and broken like someone's toy. And knowing that
you could possibly not even make it to the shortlisted toys
list, which sucks. 
-You are scared that, later, when it comes to age 45-80,
what kind of life is in store?? It's the age where you can't
kid yourself about your appearance, nor go around bowling
in malls anymore (unless you are with your kids or with a
group of friends/at least one other friend!). You don't see
or hear older women out and about or even on social
media! (unless they are some sort of successful
entrepreneur, business mogul or celebrity/influencer).
When you're at that age, what kind of life do you have to
show for? Seeing that you don't care for material things
(how many times do you want to flash a fancy car or
house? - if you can afford it in the first place!). You can't
forever put up baking videos. And solo travel is lonely and
out of the question. Once in Japan at 25 is enough. 
-You might envy those power couples since you choose the
solo path. Even if someone offers you the company of their
flesh, it could be just a brief fling encounter or at the
worst, affairs with committed/married people (which you
might have even been tricked to think that they were
single!).
-Just loneliness and a lot of sleeping on the weekends
(even more than you already have)!

The verdict (short):

-A: Despite all this, you will likely have a supportive
partner and family.
-B: With all this, you will still end up alone and being
lonely.  

The verdict (elaborate): 

-Suffering A: No matter what, you will always have a
family of your own. Whether it turns out ideal or not
ideal. 
-Suffering B: No matter what, you will always be
independent and free, yet feel quite alone and
disconnected (from lovey-dovey couples/good looking
couples/power couples and families/big families/families
with kids) and can't connect well with (previously close)
friends (who are now on a different spectrum) as you
continue to exist as a solo-ist. 
Posted by Joanne Chua at 6:22 am No comments:

If Multiverse (Alternate Realities) Were A Real Thing

 Somewhere out there in the Multiverse, there would be a
Joanne, a ME, who would have led a different life - based
on decisions (turning points) that branched out into other
realities. 
Looking at some of my major decisions in life that could
have gone differently (into an alternate reality), there
could have been a Joanne who (in another dimension!)
had: 
1. Taken Hospitality and Tourism Degree instead of
Communications Degree - if Covid exists, this reality's
career is f**ked  because it would have resulted in
becoming jobless. Or a struggling career. 
2. Taken a Business Degree - purely to appease Dad. What