Attract Love at Any Age

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Single Women After 40

Marlene Wagner
Copyright © 2017 Marlene Wagner

Published by Park Avenue Unlimited

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written
permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and certain other non-
commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This book is dedicated to and written for all the beautiful women in
the world in hopes of touching their lives with the support and
guidance in finding the love they so deserve.

Many thanks and dedication goes out to past and present clients and
the commitments to make your lives better. You are the reason I do
the work I do.
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction
Chapter 1 - Get the Man and the Relationship You Want
Chapter 2 - Build Your Self-Confidence
Chapter 3 - Ensure Your Midlife Dating Success
Chapter 4 - Where to Find Quality Single Men
Chapter 5 - Relationship Mistakes You Don't Want to Repeat
Chapter 6 - That First Date
Chapter 7 - The Second Date, or the Second Date That Never Happened
Chapter 8 - Critical Dating Mistakes
Chapter 9 - Masculine and Feminine Energies
Chapter 10 - Be the Woman Men Can't Resist
Chapter 11 - Recognizing Red Flags
Chapter 12 - Bits and Pieces: Pulling It All Together
Acknowledgments
About the Author
 INTRODUCTION

What are single women over forty looking for? They're looking for a quality relationship.
Many women in the second half of their lives are single again. They’re separated, divorced, or widowed. They’re
struggling to find a loving and healthy relationship. Their hopes and dreams are to find a man who could be their
best friend—a man to share their life with.
Are you this woman?
Are you ready to date again but don't know how to navigate today's dating world? Have you stayed up at night,
wondering if you'll ever find a quality man to date? Were there times when you’ve felt like you'll never find love
again? Has online dating been a nightmare for you? Do you feel like there are no good men to date? Do you find
yourself dreading the whole dating scene, wishing it could be easier to find a good man to share your life with?
If you’ve answered yes to more than one of these questions, then this book is for you.
Statistics show that there are more single men and women today than we've ever had in the past. It's no big
surprise: the dating world and the relationships had been a train wreck for decades.
In the late 1950s and early 1960s major societal shifts began in the evolution of women—they were coming into
their own. Traditionally, in schools young girls were taught how to sew, how to make the bed, how to cook, and how
to bake. They learned about menstrual cycles and about childbirth. They were prepared to become homemakers. A
dating guide was not a part of the curriculum. Little did those girls know a revolution was about to explode and to
change their world.
In the 1960s more and more women were entering the workforce. The pill was introduced, and by 1965 six
million women were on the pill. This has started the Sexual Revolution. Women began to realize they had choices.
New doors opened for them in the workforce, but they were undervalued and paid less than men. There were jobs
employers considered exclusively men's and wouldn't hire women. Nonetheless, women soon discovered they could
fend on their own and no longer felt dependent on the men providing for them. For years, women were controlled by
men, and it didn't take long for them to start resisting and rebelling. They were starting to exercise their independent
muscles, fighting against the sexism in the workforce. Men began to feel threatened, but it was still their world.
Women were reminded of this fact every day but were not about to back down.
The 1960s was also the birth of NOW—the National Organization for Women—a movement toward equality
between men and women. Women started to feel more empowered. Sexual behavior was changing by the minute, as
was dating and marriage. College parties, fraternity houses, bars, and clubs were hotbeds for casual sex. The art of
dating was nonexistent; divorces were on the increase. There was bra burning and Woodstock; sex, drugs, and rock
‘n’ roll; free love and flower children. It was a doped up world, and the sexual revolution exploded.
Dating and the purpose of dating changed. Dating consisted of having a dinner or watching a movie, and then
having sex. Relationships formed by convenience and without much thought. Young people went with the flow and
eventually married.
Today’s women in their late sixties and seventies had lived and experienced this history. Women in their forties,
fifties, and early sixties were conditioned by the initial stages of this evolution. Is it any wonder men and women in
this demographic are having difficulty dating? They were never taught how to select a lifetime partner.
For the past thirteen years I’ve worked with women forty to eighty years old. Coming into the second half of
their lives—divorced or widowed—these women find themselves single again They find themselves lonely. They
miss the companionship of men, but they haven’t got a clue how to navigate today's dating world. I’ve seen many
women in pain and in unfulfilling relationships who have resigned to unhappiness, to feeling powerless, and to
selling themselves short—all because they don't know how to select the right partner.
Women have not been taught how to date, how to pick a quality man, and how to have a quality relationship.
Their life experiences and conditioning have not served them well. Now in midlife, they need dating help.
Many women haven’t been single for twenty to thirty years and are uncomfortable with the idea of dating. They
believe dating is for young people, not for someone their age. Dating feels strange. They don’t know how to dress
for a date, what to talk about, and, most of all, how to meet single men.
I want to change all that. I want to give you the power, the tools, and the education required for selecting the
right partner. I’ve created this dating guide—the guide we were never given as young girls—to teach you how to get
back your confidence and how to discover your beauty. I want to reach as many of you as I can, to take you away
from your frustrations and disappointments of unsuccessful dating and to bring you to happiness. I want to help you
reach your goals and see you develop into gracious, confident, feminine woman who lives her life with the
fulfillment she deserves.
 I’m here with you today after turning my own life around. When my marriage ended, it left me broken and
devastated to the core. There was only one way to heal my grief: I had to understand how and why I had made the
choices I made and had allowed these devastating experiences into my life.
My extensive training and understanding of human behavior developed under the direction of Richard Bandler’s
NLP™ Program, approved and endorsed by the Society of Neuro-Linguistic Programming™. I’m a licensed NLP™
Practitioner and Certified Coach with thirteen years of experience. For more than a decade I’ve helped women to
turn their lives the second time around. If you’re a single woman and have asked yourself, “What am I doing
wrong?” you’re not alone. For years I’ve felt this way too. But if you’re a happy single woman and are not interested
in dating, then this book is not for you. I’ve met very few of you, as most men and women want companionship.
However, if you’re such a woman, don't buy this book. Why risk changing the mindset you currently have? And if
you’re a man, I suggest you read this book—you’ll come away with a whole new understanding of women.
 CHAPTER 1
Get the Man and the Relationship You Want

We’re the women of several generations who today are called old-fashioned, antiquated, and outdated. We were
conditioned to the beliefs and the mindsets that are no longer useful to us. We haven’t been taught how to be today's
modern woman. We broke out of the moral and puritanical mold in the early 1960s, but what had eluded us in the
process was how to value, love, and respect ourselves. Most of us grew up watching our mothers and grandmothers
put everyone first and themselves last—that's how it was done for generations. We need to break this cycle and to
realize that if we won't make ourselves valuable, no one else will.
The outcome of a life lived this way is heartbreaking. At some point you find yourself unhappy, unfilled, and
angry. Unless you decide to make some changes, it will only get worse and will most certainly keep repeating itself.
Depression sets in, along with many other conditions: alcohol addiction, drug addiction, and physical illnesses. All
this because we didn't know any better—we have entered adulthood with the same mindset we were raised with.
If you had abusive parents, grew up in an alcoholic environment, or watched your father run the show and your
mother never have a voice, chances are your adult relationships will be pretty much the same. On the other hand, if
you grew up with parents who were loving and respectful of one another, chances are your adult relationships will
be healthy.
One day you wake up, and your world has changed. Your marriage has ended, or you've become a widow.
You're devastated. Now what? You do what you can to move on. Time passes, and you do your best to adjust and to
recover, but soon you come to another realization. You’re lonely. You miss loving a man and being loved by a man.
You want it again.
You look at yourself, but you've lost your confidence. You judge yourself harshly. You've come out of a past
relationship or a marriage that was not the best but tolerable. You have focused on raising the children and on
maintaining the household. You have failed yourself as a woman by never giving yourself a thought. You’ve
stopped taking care of yourself and looking your best. You've become comfortable in unbecoming clothes, natural
hairdos, and no makeup. You've long stopped watching your diet and trying to take off the baby weight. You
physical activity is limited to taking care of the children and the housework. You've gained weight, and now you
never even look at yourself in the mirror.
You don't want to face the reality of your life.
You're single again.You don't know where to start. You have often asked yourself, "Who would want me?" You
feel unattractive. You've tried a few dates with men you've met in bars, and they didn't go well. The online dating
intimidates you, and just don't know how to get yourself out there again. Where do you go to meet men anyway?
Perhaps you’re a career woman and have been single for ten to fifteen years, or you’ve never been married.
You've dated on and off, had some short-term or long-term relationships, but none of them worked out. You feel
discouraged. You wonder if a relationship is in the cards for you, and you feel like giving up on trying to find Mr.
Right.
So, where do you start?
You start by loving and respecting yourself.

♥♥♥

In my years of working as a dating coach, I’ve worked with women like you every day. The women who come
to me for help are in different stages of their single lives. Some have dated for years and were unsuccessful in
finding the right man. Others haven't dated at all and didn't know where to start. Most are out in the workforce, some
run their own companies, and a few are homemakers raising the children on the alimony their ex-husbands are
required to pay.
I’ve worked with every age group of women over forty years old; my oldest client was just shy of her eightieth
birthday. I’m happy to say she had found her special man and had married him three years ago after being single for
more than forty years.
My point is—if you want it, you can have it. The one thing that's been universal for all the women I've worked
with is that they all shared a desire for a mate, a companion, a love interest. In plain words, they wanted to love
again in their lives.
I always ask, “What are you currently doing to make that happen? What have you tried that was successful for
you? What hasn't worked for you? What’s holding you back?”
 Not surprising, most women don’t have a clear answer to my questions because they haven't decided they want a
loving relationship. They say they do, but they haven't made a commitment to it. They tell themselves they’re trying
when in reality they take no action. They fear doing what they've never done before. They’re afraid that dating will
take them out of their comfort zone.
I promise you it won't be as difficult as it appears. I’ll make it fun and easy for you by using a three-step process:
Decision, Plan, Action. To help you better understand this process let's equate it to buying a car.
Step #1: Decision
You have to purchase a car. You don't relish the idea—you do it because you want it or need it. You think and
think about it, but you keep putting it off. You don't even know what kind of car you want, so you shelve the idea
until the thought of it comes up again, and you’re forced to repeat the process. The idea comes up periodically, and
one day you reach a point when you start noticing different vehicles. You start paying attention to them, start
thinking about the kind of car you might be interested in buying.
More time goes by, and you find yourself thinking more and more about certain makes and models. Then one
morning you wake up and decide you’re going to buy a car. Once you've decided, nothing is going to stop you.
More than likely you’ll have a new car within the next several days.
Deciding to date again is very much the same. You don't relish the idea, especially if it is uncomfortable for you,
but Mr. Wonderful won't come knocking on your door if you don't take steps to meet him. You think about it and
keep putting it off. You see couples paired off everywhere you go, and you want it too. You think about what your
life would be like if you had a companion, a loving relationship. One day you just knew—if it was meant to be,
you'd do anything to have it.
Step #2: Plan
You have finally decided what kind of car you want. Next, you look up the dealerships or check the ads. You
make phone calls to get information. You choose what dealerships you'll go to first.
Now apply this concept to dating. Get real clear on the kind of man and relationship you want. Once you know
what you’re looking for, make a plan on how to get it.
1. Create a list of activities that you enjoy. Is it golf? Cooking? Photography?
2. Write down a list of places where you can do these activities. Is there a particular Meetup group in your area
that features topics of interest? Are there clubs you can join? What events take place in your city? Street fairs?
Car shows? Do you belong to a church? What social activities does your church or other churches have for
single people?
3. Decide which activities you'll do first—what interests you the most? What are the locations, the days, the
hours? Does what you've selected fit into your schedule?

The more detailed your plan is, the more committed and excited you'll become.
Step #3: Action
You have decided on a make and a model. You're at the car lot, looking at cars. You meet with the salesman, and
you go for a test drive. All the while you're asking questions and getting information about the various cars you’re
considering.
When looking for a relationship, you use the same action steps.
You have decided what you want and where you'll go about finding it. As you begin looking around, you'll start
seeing quality men everywhere you go. You’ll start meeting them and engaging them with your charming, friendly
self. You’ll start asking questions and gathering information. Who is interesting to you? Who is not?
Before you know it, you’ll be dating some great men and having a good time.
Now that we've covered the foundation of dating and the first steps in confidence building, how do you feel?
Give yourself credit for getting this far. You've made an important decision for yourself. It all starts with you—
getting you ready to meet the man of your dreams.
Oh, and about that new car...driving off in your new car is pretty exciting too!
 CHAPTER 2
Build Your Self-Confidence

You've decided you'll do what it takes to make changes and build the confidence that's been lacking in your life.
After all, having self-confidence affects many areas of our lives, if not all. You look around and feel as though
everyone in the world has self-confidence but you.
For most of us, lack of confidence comes from insecurities formed in childhood. I was born in an era where
children were supposed to be seen and not heard. A time when children were still being suppressed instead of
encouraged. Typical child behavior was judged and criticized. I grew up feeling everything I did or said was being
judged and criticized by someone.
I had many painful experiences as a result of this kind of programming. In my early adulthood, I heard a phrase
that stayed with me and became my mantra: Run toward the roar of the lion. We want to run from fear, but if we
move toward it, we come out on the other side with a newfound strength and confidence. I'd run toward the roar,
pushed through what was uncomfortable until it became comfortable.
I still use this mantra every time I'm afraid to do something. I run toward the roar. The real key to being
confident is loving and accepting yourself. We are all enough just as we are. All that matters is what we think of
ourselves. What others think of us is just their opinion—it doesn't make them right. It's what we tell ourselves that
others are saying about us, our critical voice that we're hearing. Change what you tell yourself, and your life will
change. Deal with your shyness and self-consciousness head-on. If you won’t, you’ll continue feeling powerless.
But know—you’re not alone in this. Many people suffer from lack of self-confidence. I’ve heard stories from public
speakers who are in high demand and are paid thousands of dollars for their speeches, yet are terrified of facing the
public, never feeling confident in delivering a compelling message. I've known high profile businessmen who are
brilliant on the job but have incredible social phobias. I’ve heard stories about talented individuals who sabotaged
opportunities because of their shyness and insecurities. What do all these people have in common? They pushed
through their fear and became successful in spite of their insecurities and lack of confidence. So can you.
The one trait men are attracted to in a woman is her self-confidence. A confident woman is like a man-magnet. A
man's radar will find a confident woman all the way across a crowded room. But how do you go about becoming a
man-magnet? You start by examining how you feel about yourself and how you think you appear in the eyes of the
others. The image you’re projecting can either make you or break you. It's sad that in today's world the ideal of the
body image is affecting so many men and women. Ninety-one percent of all women are unhappy with some area of
their bodies. Social pressures and the media have impacted how we see ourselves, and we feel we never measure up.
It holds us back not just from dating but from many other areas of our lives as well. So where do we start?
We're going to start by creating a confidence foundation. Remember the formula? Decision, Plan, Action. Let’s
use the same method in building back your self-confidence.
I’ve heard it all when it comes to reasons on why women hold themselves back: “I have to lose these last five
pounds! I don't have clothes. My body is out of shape. I don't know how to apply makeup. I don't like my legs. My
booty is too big.” These are the excuses women use to sabotage their desires. When you stop making excuses, you'll
start doing whatever it takes. You'll step out of your comfort zone and do the challenging work.
Separate what you can change from what you can't. If you are unhappy with your weight, it's something you can
change. If you don't feel you look your best, it's something you can change. If you’re self-conscious about some
physical deformity that you think you can't change, think again. What you can change is your mindset. Change the
way you look at it and the meaning you're giving it.
There is a phrase by Dr. Wayne Dyer I'm fond of: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you
look at change."1 It changes the meaning we give to circumstances, people, and events in our lives.
I'll share a story of a woman I’ve worked with who had skin cancer on her face. She was beautiful and quite
vain. The surgery left a scar that was profoundly affecting how she saw herself. She no longer felt pretty and thought
that everybody who looked at her saw only her ugly scar. In her mind, she magnified the scar and saw herself as
disfigured. But under makeup the scar was almost invisible. Still, she’d always point it out to people. Their response
was always the same: “Oh. I didn't notice.”
I worked with her on how she saw her scar and what meaning she gave it. She had the scar because she had
cancer. She had cancer. She no longer has cancer. Cancer didn't kill her. Instead, she kicked cancer's ass. She won
the battle she had with cancer.
The next time she felt she needed to point out her scar, she said: “See this? I kicked cancer's ass.” Since she had
changed the way she thought about her scar, it was no longer an issue.
 Start paying attention. Listen to yourself talk. Every time you say you want something or want to do something,
pay attention to what you tell yourself about it. “I'd like to start dating, but look at me—I'm overweight. What man
would notice me and want to get to know me? My hair isn't right, and I don't feel beautiful.” Every time you judge
yourself, write it down or make a note of it. Get used to doing this, because once you get into the habit of listening to
your self-talk, you'll be well on your way at making significant changes in building your self-confidence.
Your demeaning self-talk is your excuses. Only you can change it—nobody can do it for you. A coach or a
mentor can help you, but you’ll still have to do the work.
Another exercise you can do is look at where you think you’re stuck.
You've been moving toward your goal and at some point you've stopped yourself. You can't bring yourself to
take the next step. You're holding back because you’re afraid to go forward. Have you stopped because you don't
know how to do the next step? What is it? Is it something you have to learn before moving on? Don't let it stop you.
Find out where and how you can gain the knowledge, and go get it. Or is it the fear that’s stopping you? When
you're not afraid, you're in your comfort zone. If you're scared of the next step, it's the action that will take you out
of your comfort zone. To make changes and to grow we must learn how to break out into that which is
uncomfortable.
It's unfortunate that many people stop themselves. It keeps them from growing and living full lives. Don't be one
of them. If you need help, seek help from a friend, a support group, or a coach. Help is available for every challenge
we face.
I'll share a story with you, to give you an example of the lack of self-confidence and the breaking out of a
comfort zone.
I've worked with this particular woman intermittently for some years. She repeated her dating pattern over and
over, and it never got her what she wanted. She was in her forties, very attractive and very successful in her career.
She'd been single for nearly twenty years but wanted a lasting relationship and a man with whom she could share her
life. In the twenty years that I'd known her, I don't recall a moment when she wasn’t in a relationship. She was in
and out of them—that was her pattern. She chose poorly, and nothing ever worked for her.
Where she failed was in asking herself the hard questions early on. She lacked the confidence to bring herself to
do it. She was not ready to risk the answers she may have gotten. After several months into a relationship with
someone she liked, she finally got the courage to ask that one hard question. She has admitted she had a few drinks
beforehand, but it gave her the courage she needed. Her pain became greater than her fear to ask the question.
She asked him where he thought their relationship was going. His answer devastated her. He reminded her that
he told her in the very beginning that he wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship. She didn't hear it because she
didn't want to hear it. As a result of her denial she had led herself down the path of a heartbreak. But, from this
painful experience, she learned the very lesson she needed to change her pattern with men. She had a breakthrough.
She had learned she could ask the difficult questions early on to spare herself the time wasted with the wrong
person.
Spend time in identifying where you lack self-confidence or where you feel you're stuck. Are you ready to create
your plan? If it's about body image? What can you change? How do you change it? Will it be a diet? Exercise?
Something else? There are countless food programs and eating plans for weight loss available. Research them and
decide on the program you can fit into your lifestyle. I get it that no one likes dieting, so I’ll recommend a few things
to help you.

1. Join a support group of other dieters and focus on the health benefits. Remind yourself every day how healthy
you’re becoming and recognize how good you're feeling.
2. Decide if joining a gym, an exercise group, or working out in front of the television is the way for you to start
getting fit. In no time you’ll not only start looking better, you'll start feeling better too.
3. Do a makeover. It always amazes me at what a new hairdo can do for us women. I recently saw comparisons of
older women given new updated hairstyles. It was astonishing. A modern, stylish haircut takes years off a
woman's appearance and shows how beautiful she is.
4. Update your wardrobe. Every city has free help available to select a stylish wardrobe. One or two new outfits
will make you feel more confident on those upcoming dates. Make an appointment with a personal shopper at a
department store—it's a free service, and I highly recommend it. Small boutique shops will always help you put
an outfit together.

I’m a big proponent of skirts and heels because men are very attracted to a woman in a dress and heels, but most
women can look great in stylish sporty clothes too. Regardless of your size or age, in today's world you can look
great in sweat pants and well-fitting blue jeans. I know many plus-size women who own their size and look
fabulous. Comfy clothes can be awfully cute. Every cosmetic counter in existence will apply makeup for you as well
as teach you how to do it and provide all the right shades and colors. No more excuses about makeup. It's time to
take action. You've decided you're going to do this, you've created a plan, and now it's time to implement your first
confidence-building strategy. It’ll change how you feel about yourself in ways you never imagined. You'll see how
very beautiful you are. You'll see yourself as a great catch for some very lucky guy, providing he plays his cards
right. After all, you’re the prize. Remember, he's the one applying for the important position in your life. Does he fit
your standards? The final decision is always yours.
But maybe you're completely confident in the way you look and feel and already have a healthy self-image.
Maybe you need confidence-building in other areas, such as how to be a good date, how to evaluate a date, and what
possible potential your date has. Or how to be interesting on a date and how to give your date the attention he
deserves. In the next chapter, I’ll help you clarify what it is you want and what kind of a man you’re looking for. It's
a fun exercise, and it will give you incredible insights about yourself, about what's important to you and what makes
you happy.
 CHAPTER 3
Ensure Your Midlife Dating Success

I have yet to ask a woman about what kind of a man she's looking for and get a definite answer. Many women give it
no thought.
What do you really want?
It's critical that you know exactly what you want in a man and a relationship. How can you find what you want
when you don't even know what you're looking for? I bet you spend more time planning a vacation or your yearly
wardrobe rather than thinking about an ideal lifemate. The good news is, you can figure it out before you go out and
start dating again. Or, if you’re dating and experiencing disasters, you can change that too.
Most first time relationships and marriages are entered into without much thought. You meet a man, you fall in
love, you get married. How does this happen so quickly? On your first date you feel a connection, and it seems to
you that he’s "the one." On your second date you have sex because you just can't be apart from one another. After
your third date you move in together.
You're driven by passion, and it's all hot and heavy. In time your passion quiets down, and you settle in for the
long term. You still don't know one another as well as you should. Things aren’t perfect, and often there is friction,
but you both hang in and eventually marry, thinking that will improve things. Soon you become parents, and life as
you dreamed of it is nothing like the life you're living. After some bitter years together your marriage comes to an
end, and you divorce. How did it all go so wrong?
Many relationships start this way the first time around, in the first halves of our lives. As a result of this, in
1970s and 1980s the divorces rates soared upwards. This pattern and trend continued. Today more than 50 percent
of marriages end in divorce. There are more single, middle-aged men and women than ever before.
What made so many marriages fail? Abuse, addictions problems, infidelities. Silence and anger. The intolerable
pain of remaining together. What started out as love quickly deteriorated to hate. The excitement of the big wedding
and the new house and the young family life dwindled to boring, tedious everyday routine. Why? Because we've
never learned how to choose the right lifetime partner. There was never a plan or a clear understanding in our minds
of what it is we wanted in a relationship, and so the chips fell where they did.
The greatest predictor of a doomed relationship is failing to know your wants and needs. Are your wants and
needs compatible with your potential partner’s wants and needs? This is the big nugget of this book. I'll reiterate this
statement.
Are your wants and needs compatible with your potential partner’s wants and needs?
Think about it. We don't spend enough time getting to know one another. There isn’t a solid foundation on which
to build for a great relationship. But it’s possible, and I'm here to show you how to do that. No more badly thought-
out relationships. Let's change all that right now. Knowing precisely what you want in a guy is crucial.
Take out a piece of paper and a pen. Start describing your ideal man and relationship. How about a man who
treats you well, takes care of you, and always has your back? Will he be a good provider? Will he be kind and
respectful? What characteristics do you want him to have? Should he be adventurous? Dependable? Patient? What
skills would you like him to possess? Do you want a good problem solver or a decision maker with good people
skills? Do you want an athletic man or a good dancer? What level of education should he have? What's important to
you? What makes you happy?
Take your time and list everything you can think of that you'd want in your ideal man. This exercise is so critical
and so important, it's a must-do when I start coaching a new client.
Be very clear about your absolute deal breakers. How about I start by listing a few of mine for you?
I want a man who can make me laugh, who has a sense of humor, who is kind, confident, and stylish, and who is
successful in his career. Most importantly, he must make me feel like I'm the most beautiful, the most wonderful
woman he's ever known. I want him to cherish and adore me.
My absolute deal breakers—or red flags that spell trouble—are anger issues, alcohol or drug abuse,
untrustworthiness, and unpredictable temperament.
Now, what does your ideal man look like physically? Get as detailed as you can. What's his style? Is he a shorts-
and-flip-flops kind of guy? Or is he a suit-shirt-and-tie kind of guy? What is his fitness level? Do you want him to
be fit and trim? Or maybe that doesn't matter to you?
Next write down his personality traits. List everything you want your guy to possess. Must he have a sense of
humor? Or is it intelligence? Or confidence? What are his skills? Is he a romantic? A good listener? Is he good in
bed? Can he rock a tool belt, or do you prefer a tech geek? What is his earning potential? Does he help with the
housework?
What about his top characteristics? Do you want him to be faithful? Dependable? Kind? Do you want him to
have integrity?
Spend as much time on this as you'd like. Describe the lifestyle and the relationship that would be your ideal.
Knowing this is critical. I require every woman I coach to complete this exercise, so we both know what she’s
looking for.
If you’re not comfortable with free writing and prefer a questionnaire format, just fill out your answers below.
Creating Your Ideal Man and Ideal Relationship
Describe what your ideal man looks like physically, including his personal habits and appearance. Make your
answers as long and as detailed as you wish. (Example: six feet tall, one-hundred-eighty pounds, dark hair, olive
skin, chiseled facial features; eats healthy, is physically fit; a nonsmoker, a stylish dresser.)

Describe your ideal man's emotional pattern. How does he treat you? How does he treat his family, friends, co-
workers, and strangers? (Example: romantic, affectionate, easily expresses his feelings, makes me feel special and
beautiful;. loves his family, treats everyone with kindness and respect.)

Describe your ideal man's personality and social style. (Example: funny, has a good sense of humor, is always
upbeat, self-confident, at ease with others socially, considerate, polite, warm and friendly; loves life.)

Describe your ideal man's sexual characteristics. (Example: must be a good kisser; is fun in bed, has a healthy
attitude toward sex, makes me feel desirable.)

Describe your ideal man's communication style. (Example: enjoys deep conversations, communicates his feeling
easily, openly and clearly.)

Describe your ideal man's educational and intellectual levels. (Example: smart, bright, educated, interested in life,
open to learning new things, loves reading and expanding his knowledge.)

Describe your ideal man's personal growth goals. (Example: emotionally healthy, honest with himself, knows
himself, is interested in continuously growing and becoming better.)

Describe what your ideal man loves to do; what are his passions, interests, and hobbies. (Example: loves to dance,
likes physical activity and working out, is passionate about supporting causes, enjoys reading and watching movies,
is skilled in technology and construction.)

Describe what your ideal man does for a living, his ambitions, and his financial style. (Example: successful in his
line of work, entrepreneurial, financially secure, independent, and responsible; organized, competent, efficient.)

Describe your ideal man's spiritual convictions. (Example: Christian, believes in God, has a positive view of the
world, appreciates creation and God's gifts.)

What differences could you have in a relationship that would be absolute deal breakers and would cause you to end
the relationship? (Example: anger issues, abusiveness in any form, self-destructive addictions, alcohol, drugs,
gambling.)

Describe what are your mutual interests would be. (Example: travel, bridge, cooking, dancing, dedication to
important causes.)

Why is this exercise so important? It defines your ideal man and your ideal relationship.
It helps you recognize early on if a man fits or doesn't fit into your ideal profile. It'll give you great clarity on
what you're looking for in a husband. It'll help you determine your compatibility with the man you’re dating. It'll
help you recognize the red flags that indicate potential trouble. You may recognize anger issues, controlling
personality or some other traits that can create a heartbreak down the road. You can get out of dating such man
before spending more time with him.
After you complete this exercise, you’ll have a greater chance of picking the right partner. If your objective is a
long-term healthy and happy relationship with a quality man, then use the tools I’ve given you for the greatest
degree of success possible. Granted, there is never going to be the perfect package. The things that are not ideal are
the things you will work on with your future partner. The differences in relationships are negotiable. Remember,
both your wants and needs and those of your partner needs consideration.
I love to dance. I’ve married a man who didn't dance. He wanted me to be happy and encouraged me to go
dancing with friends. He loved sports. I didn't care for sports. I wanted him to be happy and encouraged him to
attend sporting events with others. We worked out our different interests so that we could both do the things we
enjoyed doing.
My objective is to teach you how to avoid the wrong person when you think he's the right one. I want to spare
you the pain, the frustration, and the disappointments that come with bad choices. I believe when you know what
you're looking for, it makes you a better date and a better conversationalist because you're making a point to ask
questions and to get to know your dates.
If being reliable and dependable is important to you, you'll pay more attention your guy’s habit of always
showing up late or failing to let you know that he's running late. You won't be so apt to excuse his behavior and
accept it. If it’s is a real source of irritation for you, you'll talk to him about it. He may not know how important it is
to you. On the other hand, he might not be willing to change to please you. In my opinion, this would be a red flag.
If this seems minor to you, it isn't. People do things out of habit and sometimes don't even realize that what
they're doing is inconsiderate, rude, or socially unacceptable. If you feel strongly about some issue, and your guy
isn't willing to make it better for you, than he's not making your happiness a priority. He’s not the quality guy you
want. A real man, a quality man, will always make you his number one priority. He'll do whatever it takes to make
you happy.
If you start tolerating annoying behaviors and don't address them, over time the aggravation will become a giant
boil. Failure to express your needs will destroy the relationships Remember, you're trying to avoid going down the
wrong road.
Annoying behavior is unavoidable in relationships. We can live with some, but others are deal breakers. The
whole point of knowing what you want and what's important to you is to help you make the smartest choices in
picking your lifetime partner.
Now that you know what kind of a man you're looking for, I'm going to show you where you can find him.
Where are the quality single men you can date? You’ll find out in the next chapter.
 CHAPTER 4
Where to Find Quality Single Men

The two questions I get asked most often by women who want to get back into the dating world are: “Where to
begin? And where to find single quality men?”
Where do you begin? You begin with the same formula: Decision, Plan, Action.
First, decide if you want to get back into the dating world.
Once you've decided, plan on how to start dating again. It's been a long time for you, so a whole new set of
issues and insecurities will surface. All your false beliefs about yourself and dating will kick in. You will question
your wardrobe and what to wear. You will wonder what you'll talk about and where you’ll go on that first date. You
will find numerous ways to sabotage yourself. Don’t go that route. Ask a trusted friend for help or seek coaching.
There are men all around us, all the time, and meeting them isn't as difficult as you think. Start by being aware of
them. Once you make it a point of noticing men, you'll realize they’re everywhere you are.
Men come in every size and shape. Tall, short, young, old, average, good-looking, not so good-looking, etc.
Notice, notice, notice. Notice the men at the supermarket, at the bank, at the local coffee shop—,they're out there
doing the same things you do when you go about your life. Break the habit of hiding in your own little world and
look at your surroundings. Notice people. Make eye contact with them.
I've been guilty of not noticing people and have worked hard at changing it. After all, I can't ask my coaching
clients to do the things I haven't tried myself first. I’ve forced myself to do this until I got comfortable doing it. I
smiled at everyone I encountered. I engaged in conversations with strangers at every opportunity. Most of the time it
was in passing, but I like to think in some small way I may have brightened the other person's day. My mission is to
be joyful every day. I believe a moment of kindness toward someone will produce more kindness passed on to yet
another person, and another, and another.
My motto is: practice on everyone you meet.
So get comfortable making eye contact. Smile at everyone as you go about your daily business—not only at
men, but also at women, children, teenagers. Practice until you’re comfortable doing this activity. Talk to people.
Engage in casual conversations.
One of my favorite places to engage with men is in the produce department in supermarkets or while standing in
line: look at the man behind you, start a conversation about the long wait, the weather, whatever comes to mind. Tell
him you like his tie or his shoes. Men love to know that you've noticed their shoes. You'll make his day—you’ve
noticed him. He'll think, "What a lovely woman!" There is so much mileage to be had in a brief conversation with
another person. You've acknowledged him and made him feel good.
Become aware of how many men you encounter every time you leave your house. Don't judge them—they’re
people just like you. You may do this hundreds of times before one day an attractive man will ask you how he could
see you again or will invite you to have coffee with him. That's how it works. You have to make yourself noticed.
For years you’ve been making yourself invisible, and then you wonder why you don't meet anyone or get
approached by men.
Older men have the same insecurities women do. They have had years of rejections, and rejections are what men
fear the most. We don't make it easy for them. We don't make ourselves approachable. Get comfortable with making
eye contact, smiling, and engaging in a friendly conversation, then look for specific places where you can practice
meeting men, places where most people are friendly and talking is easy.
Church is one such place. Most churches have volunteering positions. I like being a greeter or a hospitality
volunteer. Try it. As a greeter or a hospitality volunteer, you get to greet and to extend a welcome to everyone
coming into the church that day. If it's someone new, you can introduce them to another church member, then later
ask them if they’ll be back. Many churches have singles groups and workshops that you can attend. Don't be shy.
Don't just talk to other women, talk to men and do so without judgment. Make it a habit of making other people feel
good.
If you don't belong to a church, the gym is another good place to meet new people. You can always ask some
attractive man to show you how to do a particular exercise correctly. Men love to help women. Hear me again: men
love to help women. Ask, ask, ask!
What are your hobbies? There are groups and clubs for just about every interest you could have. Cooking
classes, wine tasting parties, reading groups. Dance clubs often have an hour where they teach you to dance. When
the dancing begins, you’ll more than likely meet a man who’ll be your dancing partner, and you can dance the night
away. Another great place to meet people is a sushi bar. Everyone talks at sushi restaurants. If you don't eat sushi,
order a green salad, and nobody will notice. I've heard of singles potluck dinners in private residences where every
invited lady must come with a single man she’s not dating so he could meet other single women. Senior housing
developments are a great place to arrange singles-only events and activities. Not everyone who lives in these types
of communities is married.
I've suggested you the places that most people are comfortable going to alone. If you don’t feel comfortable
going alone, go with a girlfriend. But if you don't have a girlfriend to go with, don't let it stop you. Put yourself out
there. Stop being invisible. Be noticed. Get comfortable with being seen. Soon it will become your second nature,
and you'll find yourself enjoying it.
There are numerous online dating sites to choose from. They provide an excellent way to meet many single men
who are looking for the same things you're looking for. Online dating is not for everyone, but if you’re open to
trying it, it might be the right option for you. Statistics show that 33 percent of married couples have met online.2 I
don't recommend it unless you first learn how to be effective in online dating and how to keep yourself safe. It's
critical that you keep yourself safe. Make your profile upbeat and positive. Avoid telling your life story and describe
yourself in 150 words or less. Get creative with your profile name. Make it fun, attention grabbing, and flirty. Great
photos are a must—keep them classy and dignified. Three to five photos are a good number to post, including one
very good close up, one head-and-shoulders shot, and a full-length shot of yourself wearing a dress or a skirt and
heels. Choose an attractive, neutral background, possibly a garden or a beautiful public building. Avoid photos of
you and your pets, silly selfies, bathing suit beach shots, drinking party shots, and photos where you wear
sunglasses. Include a photo wearing casual, sporty clothes and a photo of you and your passion. Is it golf? Biking?
Horseback riding? Or maybe it’s a shot next to a boat, if you like boating? A photo like that is a conversation
opener. When dressing for the photo, wear clothes of solid color—red or blue are always good. Avoid tops that are
buttoned up to your chin or are cut so low, your cleavage is visible. Most importantly, wear your best smile.
Don't be afraid to initiate contact with someone you might like to know more about. Find something in his
profile or picture to open the conversation with. Make a comment about what has caught your attention or ask a
question. If he's interested in looking at your profile, he'll respond. If a dialogue begins between you and someone
you've connected with, keep emailing him, but no more than three times. After three emails suggest a phone
conversation. If there is resistance from him, he may be looking for an email relationship, and you'll want to cut that
off. He more than likely won't move on to the next level to eventually meet you.
Some women have told me they use a prepaid mobile phone for online dating to avoid using their private
phones. It's a great safety precaution. I can't stress enough how important it is that you use caution when meeting
your online date for the first time. Always meet in a public place and during daylight hours. You know nothing
about the person you're meeting, and you want to keep yourself safe above all else. As with any first date, I
encourage you to keep your time short. If there is no interest, you can bail out quickly. If there is an interest, keep it
under an hour. Leave him wanting to know more about you and arrange to see him again.
Look up old classmates. I’ve known some men and women who have reconnected with a classmate and got
married. Look for them on social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Many of your classmates are
single or widowers. Reach out, connect with them again. Do this with both men and women.
I've attended all my class reunions, and at the last reunion I was surprised at how many of the men were
widowers. They were lonely and open to reconnect with someone they know.
Attend male-oriented events, happy hours for professionals such as lawyers or executives. Hang out at sports
bars if you like sports. Go golfing—I recommend the driving range. If you're not a golfer, check out the clubhouse.
Try to select a few activities that are opposite your interests. After all, opposites attract. It may be something some
man can teach you or educate you about. If you like water, look into the boating activities offered in your area.
Many cruise lines offer singles cruises. Years ago I went on a singles cruise with my cousin, and I don't remember
the last time when I've had more fun. We made friends she and I are still in touch with.
I've saved my best advice for last. We all have our own built-in matchmaker. Let your sphere of influence
become your matchmakers. Tell everyone you know that you want to get back into the dating world; let them know
you’re open to being introduced to someone they think might be of interest. Tell your family, your relatives, and all
your friends. Don't be shy about this. What I like about this method is that you'll be meeting someone who has been
approved and liked by someone you know. Whoever is going to introduce you can tell you what they know about
that person, and tell the other person about you. You’ll be coming together already knowing something about each
other. People who know you won’t be introducing you to someone they don't approve of and don't already like.
They want you to make a connection. They want to take credit and responsibility for making a perfect match.
If you tell enough people that you’re open to dating, you could have dates booked for a month ahead. Use every
opportunity to get yourself out there. You never know when and where "the one" will show up. Many men have told
me that they like to approach women who are open and aware of their surroundings. If the women appear shut off in
their world, the men will move on.
I know you have questions. You're getting nervous. You haven't dated in years. Or maybe you've been out there,
dating, with no luck in finding what you want. Don’t worry, I've got you covered. In the next chapter we're going to
talk about relationship mistakes you don't ever want to repeat.
 CHAPTER 5
Relationship Mistakes You Don't Want to Repeat

We’ve determined if you're truly ready to get back out into the dating world or if you want to turn your disastrous
dating around. We’ve worked through building up your self-confidence. We've talked about knowing what kind of a
man you’re looking for and what kind of a relationship you want to have. We’ve discussed the places where you can
find single quality men to date and men who want to date you.
Now we'll cover the many mistakes and missteps we all have made in our dating lives and need to avoid
repeating.
How often have you started dating a man thinking it was going to go somewhere only to find out that he has no
plans to go to the next level? Many women waste years on the wrong guy. They assume the relationship will become
permanent and are afraid to ask the hard questions. The truth is, he never had any intention of committing to you. By
then you may have invested years of your life into this man.
Here is another scenario. He tells you he's not interested in a committed relationship, but you're convinced you
can change his mind. You're thinking of all the time you've spent together, and you don't want to give up now. The
sad part is, one day he up and leaves you.
There are many devastating dating disasters like that. We are women forty, fifty, sixty years old and older who
have never learned how to be good at dating and having quality relationships. Unfortunately, as a result, we've also
had more divorces than ever.
As a dating coach I ask women about their conversations on dates, especially on the first date. Their stories tell
me how little they manage to learn about that man. I've asked women who’ve been with a man for six months and
longer the same question, and the result is the same: they never ask the kinds of questions that would allow them to
get to know their man. I've had women say they didn't want to be accused of asking too many questions . Getting to
know someone is not about asking too many questions, it's about being smart. If you're thinking about spending your
life with someone, you need to find out everything you can about them. You need to determine as quickly as
possible if he would be a good fit for you.
I'll tell you what's nosy. Nosy is asking to see his tax returns, his credit report, his bank statements; nosy is
asking about the value of his house or whether or not he owns one. Nosy is asking him how many women he'd slept
with, which is none of your business, nor should any man ever be asking you that question either.
The opposite extreme is not asking enough questions. I call it the interrogation. Conducting an interrogation is
not the right approach. I’ve known women who show up on their first date with a laundry list of questions, their
mission to extract as much information from their date as possible. That turns men off. Can you blame them?
So how do you go about finding the middle of the road and learning all you can about your guy the right way?
The right way is to spend quality time with one another and have typical conversations that include good questions.
How many of us have been afraid to speak up and ask for what we want? How many of us have allowed the men in
our lives to call the shots? How many of us have done things we didn't want to do, but we did them because the man
in our life wanted it and told us what to do? How many of us have slept with dates because we didn't know how to
say no, or because he wanted sex and we were all about pleasing the man? How many of us became pregnant
because our man didn't want to take precautions and later left us to be a single parent? How many of us have
contracted STDs because our partners or husbands were unfaithful? The answer to all of these questions is, most of
us. We just went along with it all, never asking the right questions, never asking our dates for test results or asking
whether or not they'd been checked by a doctor.
If you're about to share your most intimate self with a man, you have a right to know and to request this
information.
How many of us have been left by our husbands because we no longer had the body we’ve had when we got
married? We've had his children, and he still wanted us to be a size 10. How many times have men disrespected us
and left us feeling worthless and powerless? How many of us were told repeatedly by our husbands or boyfriends
that we were nothing and that no man would want us. And worse yet, how many of us have tolerated physical abuse
and suffered broken noses and black eyes? How many of us have stayed in alcohol- and drug-infused households
because men needed us to take care of them? We’ve stayed because we were afraid to leave. Meanwhile, our
children were traumatized daily by witnessing the horrors of addiction.
Most of these scenarios began early in our relationships. They were traps, and we became victims. We didn't
know better, and we didn't know how to recognize the trouble ahead.
How many of us have asked a man for a date, picked up the tab, and bought gifts—all in the vain attempt to get
some guy to like us? We've offered sex to someone because we believed that would get us the guy. How many of us
have chased relentlessly after a man we just couldn't let go of? How many of us haven't valued, loved, or respected
ourselves? How many of us see ourselves in the destructive scenarios above? You can only make a change if you
acknowledge it first.
I'm here to change lives.
I’m here to teach you not to repeat the destructive behaviors you’ve committed when you were younger. I’m one
with you. I've made mistakes like this as too, until one day I realized I mattered. The time had come to love and to
respect myself in a way I never knew how to before. My life had changed, my world had changed, and I became
happier than I'd ever been. I what the same for you.
I hurt for myself, for you, and for women all over the world, women who didn't know how to do better. I want
you to know that you’re beautiful and magnificent, and that you can have a wonderful man and a fulfilling
relationship in your life. Relationships are what life is about.
As a life coach I've learned about the challenges women face in the dating world. It's all about being smarter the
second time around. The greatest transformations and changes take place when we address our core issues. It's a
light bulb moment. We see how we keep repeating our old patterns and keep engaging in our old behaviors. We
keep choosing the same kind of man over and over again. His name is different, and he may be taller or shorter, but
the life in each relationship will be pretty much the same. If you’ve chosen right the first time, you wouldn’t be
reading this book. You're someone who wants help in the dating world. I want your unhealthy destructive cycle
broken. That instant attraction, that chemistry—it’s the cycle you need to break. I've learned that it’s almost always
trouble. The best kind of attraction and chemistry develops over time, while you’re getting to know your man. Most
of us find men very handsome or attractive after we've gotten to know them. It’s not always their looks, it can be
their personality and charm that make them desirable.
We've all known the gorgeous Adonis-type who has left us breathless on the first date, and then later found out
that he has no personality and is a total bore. He has relied on his looks all his life and has never developed an
engaging personality, has never learned how to be an interesting conversationalist. We often wondered what we saw
in him, because he no longer seemed attractive to us.
I've known women who made quick judgments on a date if the attraction wasn’t immediate. They ruled out the
man, deciding they're not interested. I encourage you to have at least two if not three dates before you make such a
decision. I could show you how to dress and to act on a date, how to find that available quality man; I could teach
you how to get to know him and learn the important things about him. However, I want to dig much deeper. I want
to get to the heart of your conditioning and bring it to surface, to make you aware of your past, of how it has shaped
you, and how you can change it.
It starts with building self-esteem and with creating standards.
Once we change how we think and feel about ourselves, we automatically start setting different standards. Some
may say I'm old-school about this, but there is nothing old-school about having standards and respecting yourself.
What is old-school is women who are still on a self-destructive path. It's important to address your past conditioning
and programming to prepare you for a shift in your mindset so that you can move forward. By the end of this book
you’ll feel like a different person, a person who will know how to find that amazing man, a man who’ll treat you
like you’re the best thing that's ever happened to him, a man who’ll value, respect, and love you like you never
dreamed possible.
Next we're going to talk about your first date. You know, the one that scares you to death. You're nervous, you
don't know what to wear, you change your outfit so many times, your entire closest in on your bed by the time you
finally settle on something. You're hoping he's going to like you. I want you to start thinking, "Are you going to like
him?”
 CHAPTER 6
That First Date

You're looking for Mr. Right. To find him you need to have a strategy in place: a plan you can implement on the
first and the second date. It's much easier to find the right man if you know what you're looking for. You will no
longer waste time on the men who don't fit your criteria. No more dating Mr. Wrong.
So how do you qualify a man and his intentions on your first or second date? What useful skills and tools can
you implement?
Get clear on what you are looking for.
Midlife dating is unique. Right now there are more divorced, single, and available men than ever before. Most of
these men want to be in a relationship again. Finding men to date is not difficult, but you want to know early on if
the man has the potential to be the right one for you.
Have a plan when you go on that first date. Your mission is to determine whether he fits your criteria, not if you
fit his. His job is to impress you, not the other way around. He's the one applying for a position in your life, and
you'll be the one to decide if he has the potential for that position.
Let's start from the beginning.
Let’s say it happened. You've caught some man's eye. He has asked you if he could see you, if you'd be
interested in going out with him. Have compassion for him—men fear rejection. He must find you very appealing to
get up the nerve to ask. Older men are often much more shy than younger ones because they've had many more
years of getting rejected, but they have the same insecurities we women have. They worry about their looks and
about being enough, and they are much more lonely than women. A single man wants a caring relationship just as
much if not more than you do, but he doesn't normally have the kind of a support system you enjoy. You can tell
your close girlfriends everything. Men often have only one or no close friends, and they don't share and talk like we
women do.
There are different kinds of men. There are the men who like and respect women. And then there are “the bad
boys.” “The bad boy” is the good looking guy all the girls were after. He was the one who treated us poorly, who
disrespected us. But he was fun and exciting, and life with him was a roller coaster. When he was through with a
girl, he discarded her and took up with the next one. Most of us have experienced one or more “bad boys” in our
lives.
Well, “the bad boy” still exists. He could be any age over forty. He could be sixty, seventy, or even eighty years
old. At this age he shows up in another way. He's someone you don't want to get involved with. Dismiss a man like
this quickly. How do you recognize “the senior bad boy”? He's the one who has a chip on his shoulder and is angry
and bitter toward women. He believes he’d been dealt a dirty deal with every woman in his life. His revenge is using
and abusing every woman he meets. He’s not difficult to recognize—his hateful attitude shows up quickly. At our
age we don't need another “bad boy” experience. Didn't we have enough of those in our youth?
Let's get back to the man who has asked you for a date. Unless he's a real clown, I'd suggest you give him a
chance. You might be saying, “But he's not my type!” It doesn't matter, give him a chance. You need to get your
dating feet wet—you want to practice on everyone you meet. Remember, it took courage for him to ask you. Always
be kind and gracious. I can't stress that enough. If you're considerate of a man's feelings, that in itself will elevate
you in his eyes.
Your answer could go something like this: “Well, thank you for asking. That would be nice; I'd like to.” He’ll
breathe a sigh of relief. Next, he'll probably ask for your phone number so he can call you and make plans, or he’ll
invite you to dinner on the spot. Chances are you don't know much about this man, so I don't recommend dinner.
Dinner is a long time to get through on a date that may not be going well.
You could say something like this: “Well, thank you for the dinner invitation, but I'd be more comfortable
meeting for coffee some afternoon, so we can get to know each other a little better.” He'll agree. He wants to please
you. Allow him to suggest a place and a time that works for both of you, but it must be during the day, and you must
meet him at the location. Drive yourself. Don't be too trusting; don’t give a man access to your address too soon.
If you've already met face to face, he may ask you for your phone number. It’s nice to be able to get to know him
a little better on the phone. If, however, you haven’t met him yet, and he doesn't ask to meet you, he may want to be
just a phone buddy. I'd suggest you cut the relationship off if it doesn't look like he wants to take it past the phone
calls—don't waste your time.
If he turns out to be questionable when you meet, and you know nothing about him, use caution when going
back to your car, especially if he wants to walk with you. If you’ve connected with him online, before you trust him,
make sure he has shown you that he's harmless. If you feel afraid, end the date, say goodbye, and use the excuse of
having to make a few urgent phone calls. We all have cell phones these days. Watch him to make sure he has left
and has driven off. If he's still hanging around, make a call to the business you're at and ask for the manager. Tell the
manager who you are, where he can find you, and what your situation is. Ask the manager if they could provide
someone to see you safely to your car.
Never feel you're ridiculous. Follow you hunch, your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, chances are it isn't. Keep
yourself safe first and foremost.
I recommend dressing casually on that first date but making sure you're feminine. No jeans, t-shirts, or sports
shoes. Wear a dress or a skirt and attractive feminine shoes. If you look hot in jeans, there is nothing wrong with
wearing jeans. Just make sure you wear jeans with a very feminine top and cute shoes. Don't show up looking like a
guy.
The first time you meet someone new you're nervous, and they are too. There is nothing wrong with admitting it
to each other. Be present. Be in the moment. Focus on getting to know that person, notice things about him but avoid
making judgments—you're having coffee, not planning a wedding. Stop your self-talk. “I wonder if he thinks I'm
pretty and if he likes me. I'm not sure if I like him.” Stop it. Every person has a story, and often an interesting one at
that. Just spend the time getting to know each other. Guard against nervous chatter. Don't have a monologue. Don't
monopolize the conversation and give him a chance. If he's the one talking nonstop, always give him the benefit of
the doubt—it may be just nerves.
I want to remind you about your wants. Are you looking to meet people and date, or are you committed to
finding the ideal man and the ideal relationship for you? If it's the latter, you want to learn as much about this date as
you can. Does he have any potential for you to be interested?
I use a prequalifying strategy of three important questions to ask a man on the first date, and if not on the first
date, then definitely on the second one. I call it “qualifying a date.” It prevents wasting time with the wrong man.
I've designed them to be easily and casually asked during your conversation, and at the same time to give you the
information that's important to you. Keep to your objective. You’re looking for the man with whom you can have a
great relationship. His answers will be very revealing and will tell you whether this man has any potential for a
second date. He will be impressed, as he's going to be thinking you’re interested in getting to know him by asking
good questions. He'll appreciate it, and that will elevate you in his eyes.
Question #1: "Tell me something about yourself you'd like me to know."
I suggest asking this question relatively early in the date. It's a great question if there is a lull, or if you're
suddenly at a loss as to how to keep the conversation going. It's also a great question if he's doing a lot of talking and
asking about you, which is a good sign—it means he's interested. If he's talking only about himself, he may be trying
hard to impress you, or he could just be nervous. It may also mean that it's all about him. It's something to pay
attention to—he may be terribly impressed with himself. If he's into himself and his own greatness, I'd say he's not
too interested in knowing about you. This date could be doomed, and you probably won't need to ask the next
question.
But things are going well, and you want to ask him the question. It will show you what's important to him. It will
tell you what he values. It may be about his career or occupation, or it may be about his children, a great
achievement, a hobby. Do you see the benefit of this question? Whatever his answer is, it will gives you useful
information about him.
Question #2: "Where do you see yourself in five years?”
This question can be slipped in anywhere and can certainly be used right after the first one, depending on his
answer. What you learn from this question is if he's the man who has goals and who is moving in a direction of some
sort.
Do his goals fit your criteria? Does his five-year plan include having a relationship again? I’ve found most men
answer this question by saying, “I hope to be married, to be in a loving relationship.” If his answer doesn't include a
relationship, chances are he's not interested in anything long-term. Again, valuable information about him.
Question #3: "What's your philosophy on relationships?”
Last but not least. This question will be the most revealing and important question you could ask. Have his
relationships been a good experience for him or have they been disasters? This question and his answer will have a
significant impact on where you see things going with this man.
Does he speak well of the people in his past? Does he speak well of his children, or are there issues with his
kids? Is he on good terms with his siblings? If he's had troublesome relationships, it's not a good sign. There are
always two sides to every story, and I'd proceed with caution. It's not your job to fix him and his poor relationships.
Besides, you're looking for a guy who has it together, aren't you?
Think about his answers to your questions. Does this date have potential? Does he fit some of your criteria, or is
he a dead deal for sure? Do you see the importance of good questions that let you cut to the chase and help you
avoid wasting time? If you’re looking for a committed relationship and he's not, you'll find out right away and move
on to the next one.
I don't believe you can get to know someone well for several months, but it's much easier to predict the success
or the failure of a relationship if two people get to know one another first. By asking the right questions you’ll
improve your chances of getting Mr. Right and avoiding Mr. Wrong. If the first date is a miss and there's no hope of
interest, it's best to end it and be honest with the person. A gracious way to do this is to say: “I've enjoyed meeting
you and getting to know you, but I don't think we're a fit. I'm looking for a committed relationship, and I don't
believe we have enough in common. Thank your for meeting with me, and thank you for the coffee. You're a
delightful gentleman. I’m sure you'll find the right woman for you.”
I recommend the first date to be a coffee date that lasts no more than thirty to forty-five minutes for two reasons:
you want a reasonable amount of time to determine if it's someone you could be interested in, and if you are
interested, you want to leave him wanting more. If he's interested in you, he'll be eager to see you again on a second
date. Stay true to your ground rules—it's all part of the strategy for effective dating.
How are you doing so far? Still with me? We have a lot more ground to cover. We've talked about the first date,
and you're now equipped to determine if it was a hit or a miss.
Next, we're going to talk about the second date. What if there is no second date? What if you never hear from the
guy again?
 CHAPTER 7
The Second Date, or the Second Date That Never Happened

Let's assume that the first date went well and you're interested in getting to know this man better. One of two things
will happen: he'll either ask you when he can see you again, or he'll tell you he'll give you a call.
If he asks you when he can see you again, please don't make it too soon. You want him to know that you have a
life—you have other commitments scheduled. It stresses to him that you're not someone he can call at the last
minute and expect you to be available. Somehow you want to convey to him that dinner is not an option yet.
Remember, you call the shots. You could say something like this: “I have the weekend planned, but if you'd be
interested in going for a walk and grabbing a quick snack somewhere, I can make that work.” This lets him know
that you’re interested in seeing him again. The objective is to do something during the day. If the weather permits an
outdoor activity, use it as an opportunity to talk more and to continue getting to know one another. Should he
suggest another activity, if it's in the daytime—such as a brunch or a lunch—accept his suggestion. You can say
something like, “Okay, that works. I look forward to it.”
If, on the other hand, you've talked to him on the phone a few times after your first date and have learned more
about him, accepting a dinner invitation would be okay. You want to know him well enough to decide if you can sit
through a dinner with him.
Your reason for keeping the first and the second dates short and casual is this: you're still trying to determine if
this man has any potential for you to move forward. After all, you're not wasting time on the wrong man. By now
you should’ve learned more about his interests, values, and standards. If there is not enough substance, you've lost
only a little of your time. If you want to cross him off your list, handle it in the same gracious way: “I think you're a
very nice man, and I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't believe we're a fit. I know you'll meet the right
woman for you one day.”
Regardless of his answer, always be gracious. You’ll hear me say it over and over again. I want you to hold
herself to the highest self-respecting standard. Always carry yourself with dignity. Never stoop to the level of
someone who is insulting, disrespectful, or degrading. Their anger has nothing to do with you, but it tells you
everything you need to know about them. Even if you'd like to give them a few of your favorite choice words, I ask
you to never go there. Say nothing and remove yourself from their presence. Don't ever accept anyone's invitation to
fight—there are never any winners.
I want to break the image of your “type" and change your dating pattern.
Every woman has a "type" that she's attracted to. Usually it's the exciting, the good looking, the charming “bad
boy” type, the type that pulls you into a whirlwind romance and then suddenly leaves you. You struggle with trying
to understand what went wrong. You think you were so right for each other. You cry and pine for this exciting
playboy who has never treated you well. In fact, he has treated you poorly. When this kind of romance ends, your
pattern is to take up with another man of your “type.” Why? Because you want the "chemistry" and the "high," and
you go down that same road again and again for the same reasons.
After years and years of this your self-esteem and self-worth end up in the gutter. You've become addicted to
the rush, to the excitement of your “type.” You begin feeling unlovable and question if anyone would ever want you
again. You’re willing to settle for anyone who’ll have you. Anyone at all.
Your type is your trouble.
You pick the same guy over and over again. He may look a little differently, dress a little differently, but the
chemistry is there, and it’s the same as before. It's what you're after; it’s what you’re looking for. You get used and
abused once again, and as a result you develop a long list of unhealthy beliefs about men.
I hear it from women every day: “All men are jerks. All men lie and cheat. Men don't want a relationship. Men
are just looking to score. Men's idea of a date is meeting at a bar. Men are afraid to commit.”
Dispelling the wrong beliefs is not easy, but it can be done. The more you hold on to believing these things about
men, the more you’ll keep drawing these kinds of men into your life. I'm here to tell you it's not all about the men.
It's about the men that you’ve allowed into your life, the men you’ve allowed to treat you poorly. You’re about to
change your dating pattern and your mindset about men. Most men are good and decent. Yes, there are some who
aren’t, but the good ones outweigh the bad ones.
Every time you find yourself repeating one of your faulty beliefs, write it down. I want you to start a list of all
the good men you know: your father, your brothers, the male members of your family; your neighbors, your friends’
husbands, the men in your work environment. List all the men you know. How many of them are jerks? How many
are disrespectful and treat the women in their lives poorly? This exercise will help you dispel the faulty beliefs you
have about men.
When a man treats a woman poorly, she’s allowing it. I know you don’t like me saying this, but it's true. We
allow it because we don't always recognize it. With time it only becomes worse, until one day it affects how we feel
about ourselves. We believe we've deserved to be treated this way. It now becomes our fault. We’ve made him
angry. We’ve upset him. We’ve had it coming.
I'm here to change all that. I'm here to change your dating patterns. You're special and beautiful. You don't
deserve to be treated poorly. Starting now I want you to agree that you won't allow it anymore, ever.
Let's get back to that second date, or the second date you were hoping for. You’ve left that first date thinking, “I
didn't really care for his looks and I'm not sure if I want to see him again, but the book says, if he has any redeeming
qualities, to give him a chance. Okay, I'll go on a second date.”
Or maybe you left the first date thinking, “He was nice looking, and I like him. I wonder how he felt about me
and if I'll hear from him again.” Before leaving, you made sure to tell him that you’ve enjoyed meeting him and
hoped to see him again.
A day goes by, another, then a whole week passes, and still he hasn't called. All kinds of self-talk starts taking
place. You wonder what you did wrong. You guess that he didn't like you.
You may have been very interested in him; he implied another date, but he's not calling, and you’re wondering
what's wrong with you. What is it that he didn't like?
Men will say they'll call, and then they don't. Why do they do that? It was just a half-hour coffee date, but your
ego is hurt. Apparently, he wasn't interested in you. You spend days on talking about it, thinking about it, and
speculating about it. You'll never know why he didn't call unless he told you. It could be due to many reasons, and
more than likely none of them are the reasons you're thinking about. The fact is, he's not calling. Accept it and move
on.
Then again, you may hear from him in a week, in two weeks, in a month. If you do, respond with something like
this: “Oh hi! Nice hearing from you. How are you?” Don’t use an angry tone of voice, but be kind, friendly, and
engaging. Remember, always be gracious.
The dating world has always been and still is full of surprises. I've often referred to dating as an adventure—you
never know what's next. You'll learn to never take anything personally. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but try rolling
with the punches. Remember, you’re whole and complete as you are. If a man says he'll call, or stands you up, or
walks out in the middle of a date, it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the kind of person he is.
Why do some men do these things? You don't know, and you shouldn't even care. He's not a man worthy of you.
You shouldn't give it another thought other than he's the kind of man you don't want in your life. You're looking for
the man that has it together, who respects himself and respects others—an emotionally mature man. Never allow
your feelings or your ego to be hurt by the behavior of emotionally immature men. You don't want them in your life,
period.
There are so many great and wonderful men available who will treat a woman beautifully. When you get back
out and start dating again, have a good time getting to know other people. If you don't click with someone on a
romantic level, you could become good friends. He may have a friend he'd like you to meet. There is nothing wrong
with being honest with a man if you don't feel it romantically but would like to have him as a friend. Tell him. He
may very well feel the same about you. Then again, some men are so attracted to a woman they'll agree to be friends
just to have her in their life.
Make friends with other women. You never know whom you'll meet—she could introduce you to the man of
your dreams. Enjoy yourself and be willing to do new things and go to new places. It will make you a more
interesting person, and it will interest you in other people. And when you show interest, not only will people open up
to you and share some fascinating stories, they will think higher of you and remember you.
Now that you're out there meeting people and starting to date, or maybe you've been dating already and just haven't
found Mr. Right yet, I want to make sure you’re not making some common dating mistakes. We're going to cover
them in the next chapter.
 CHAPTER 8
Critical Dating Mistakes

I've built my practice on strategies to overcome midlife dating challenges. For years I've worked with women of all
ages, and I’ve noticed common patterns in single women’s critical dating mistakes. If a single woman is making one
of these mistakes, chances are she’s making more than a few. It’s these mistakes that prevent her from having a
fulfilling, healthy, and loving relationship she’s looking for.
We women in our forties, fifties, sixties, and seventies grew up with a mindset that didn't exactly serve us in
fulfilling relationships. Change is possible. As long as we’re living and breathing, we have a right to wish for and
find the ultimate relationship of our dreams.
Let's get started on eliminating these critical dating mistakes.

Dating Mistake #1: Not being clear on the kind of man you’re looking for and the kind of relationship you
want.
I’ve covered this in an earlier chapter, but I’m so adamant about the importance of this exercise, it warrants
mentioning again. It's without a doubt one of the most critical dating mistakes you can ever make.

Dating Mistake #2: Wasting time with a man who won't commit.
It's another mistake I wrote about earlier, and I wanted to touch upon it again. You’re with a man you'd like to
remain with, and you question where you stand. You’ve made yourself clear in the beginning—you’re looking for a
committed relationship. And yet the relationship is going nowhere, and he seems content with it as it is.
Did he tell you he was looking for the same? If he did, and things aren't progressing, you’re wondering why.
Asking him may not get you very far—he may not know it himself, or he may just like the way the relationship is
going and doesn't care to change it. What I'm about to suggest involves risk and will take courage. It does work, as
I've known women who have done it. Tell your man you’re unhappy with the situation as it is. Tell him your goal
from the beginning was to have a committed relationship: “It's apparent we’re not on the same page. I want you to
know that I’ll start dating others again. I'll be seeing less of you, or if you prefer, we'll just part company with no
hard feelings.”
Now the ball is in his court. You’re not giving him an ultimatum, you're just letting him know the way the
relationship is going is not agreeable with you, and you’re moving on. At this point, I hope you’re not living
together. If you are, whoever has to move must move out. If you're living in his space, it’s the last thing you want to
do, but you must be willing to take this all the way for it to be effective. It's one of the big reasons I encourage
couples not to share their living space with one another until there is a solid commitment.
If he comes back and gives you what you want, he simply needed to be reminded of how important you are to
him. He's not going to risk losing you. If he doesn’t give you what you want, he’s not ready for a long-term
relationship or doesn’t want to make the commitment to it, and it's best you accept it and move on. Value yourself
and hold out for the man who will want to take you off the market and have you all to himself, forever.

Dating Mistake #3: Over-giving.

I’ve known so many women who over-give. I've been one of these women myself. We do too much and do
whatever we can for that man. We get on a plane every weekend to see him. We pick up the dinner tab. We buy the
groceries and drop them off at his apartment. We make his doctor appointments for him. We bake a pie and leave it
at his backdoor. If he says he needs something from the hardware store, we tell him we'll pick it for him. We do his
laundry. We clean his house. And all the while, we can't understand why he's not interested in us when we do
everything for him. But the fact that we’re doing everything for him is the very reason he's not interested. To a man
an over-giver comes across as a mother. He doesn't need another mother. He’s not interested in dating or being
intimate with a mother figure.
Are you an over-giver?
Make a list of all the times you did too much for the guys you were dating or only just met! Do you resonate
with anything I've mentioned above? What have you done in the past? Trust me when I tell you, the less you do for a
man, the more he’ll do for you, the more he’ll respect you, and the more he'll be interested in you. It works like
magic.
A woman who over-gives is the woman who believes the more she does for the man, the more he’ll love her and
want to be with her. She sincerely wants to take care of him. It's not a healthy way to function in a relationship and
it’ll never get you the very thing you're doing it for, and that's to be loved and accepted.

Dating Mistake #4: Taking charge

This mistake is the opposite of being an over-giver. The only difference between taking charge and over-giving
is the motive behind the behavior. When you’re taking charge, you’re in control. You decide where to go to dinner.
You plan for the weekend. You’re making all the decisions for the two of you. Some women will do this on the very
first date and then wonder why the man wasn't interested. Again, trust me on this.
You have to allow the man to be in charge.
Let him make the weekend plans, let him decide on the restaurant, let him choose where to meet for your first
date. Allow him to be a man, and allow yourself to be a woman that a man can look out for and take care of.

Dating Mistake #5: Failure to know the important things about a man.
I never cease to be amazed when speaking with women. How little do they know about the men they’re dating
and are in a relationships with! They fail to dig deep and learn what makes a man tick.
Most women are afraid to ask the hard questions. They’re afraid that by asking too much they’ll drive the man
off. If your questions do drives him off, good! There's something he doesn't want you to know or is hiding from you.
On the other hand, the better you know a man, the faster you’ll learn he may not be the one for you. You don't
need to be an interrogator with a long list of questions. Do this in casual conversations you have with one another on
your dates. Ask him about his childhood. What was great about it? Ask him about the people in his life. Who has
influenced him? What's his favorite food? What traveling has he done and what has he learned from it? Be interested
in him—he’ll love you for it, because now you stand out from the rest.

Dating Mistake #6: Settling

Of all the mistakes women make, this one saddens me the most. I've known many women who settle for less
than what they want in a relationship because they're afraid nothing better will ever come along. These women lack
self-love and feel they don't deserve better, so they settle for what they can get. I've known women who have wanted
a man, any man, and took whatever man wanted to have them.
I encourage you to establish standards and to never lower them. One day there will be a man who will meet
those standards. You’re worthy of having the man of your dreams and a man who will cherish and adore you. Never
settle!

Dating Mistake #7: Have a negative dating mindset.

I hear the negative beliefs women have about men. It's precisely this kind of a negative mindset that will attract
to you the jerks and the disappointing dates, unless you change your beliefs. We’ve talked about this in an earlier
chapter, but it’s worth repeating. Beliefs are powerful. I want to reiterate how to work at establishing new beliefs.
Take a look at the men in your life: your father, your brothers, your in-laws, your neighbor, the men you do
business with. Are they jerks, cheaters, or abusers? Make a list of all the kind, generous, and wonderful men you
know. You'll see that not all of them betray, deceive, and disappoint. Most men are good and decent. You just need
to give them a chance so they can show you. Yes, there are men who are jerks in every sense of the word, but they're
few and far between.
Keep in mind—men will treat you as you treat them. If you show up with a contemptible attitude toward men,
they will sense it and respond in the same manner. I've always believed that underneath that jerk is a good and
respectable guy. He's looking for love too, but no one has shown him yet how to have it.

Dating Mistake #8: Failure to recognize "red flags."

“Red flags” are a big and important topic. We women are very good at excusing bad behavior in a man we're
dating or have an interest in. In one of the next chapters I’ll discuss the ways to recognize the warning signs in the
relationships, or “red flags.”
A red flag is anything that could become a problem later in a relationship if ignored or denied. Big red flags are
excessive drinking, drug use, abusive behavior. They are also among the various red flags that are most often denied
or ignored.
I've only scratched the surface on dating mistakes. I can tell you I've been guilty of all of them before I knew any
better.
Next we're going to learn about masculine and feminine energies and what roles they play in dating. If you want
dating success, it's important you understand this concept. By the end of the next chapter you'll be clear on the
differences between the two, and you'll be able to recognize which energy you're in and how to shift from one
energy to another.
 CHAPTER 9
Masculine and Feminine Energies

Just what are masculine and feminine energies? Masculine energy is to produce, to pursue, to protect, to provide,
and to take care of. It's the man's role in relationships. Feminine energy is to receive, to nurture, to comfort, to
support, and to love. It's the woman's role in relationships.
Decades ago we didn't have the crossover roles that we have today. Men did the hunting, the providing, and the
protecting. There was no question of a man’s role. Women kept the home fires burning, received what the men have
provided, and did the nurturing. Then about sixty years ago the shift in the gender roles began to take root. It was a
part of the feminine evolution and the sexual revolution. Women have entered the workforce and have started
financially supporting their families. With time they became more and more independent and soon declared that they
could take care of themselves and didn't need a man to provide for them.
At the same time, more and more marriages ended in divorces.
Women began competing with men for the jobs. They started gaining power and filling the executive positions
in high ranking companies. A battle of the sexes erupted. Men became chauvinistic, while women fought for better
wages and proves themselves as capable of achieving great heights. Along with full-time position they were
maintaining the household and raising a family, more and more of them as single mothers.
It's a pattern that has persisted for the last thirty to forty years. It's what the fifty- to the eighty-year-old
demographic has lived through—the conditioning we women found ourselves in the second half of our lives.
Today we have men and women who yearn for loving, healthy, compatible relationships and don't know how to
develop them. What worked for them when they were young isn’t working anymore. They have to go back to the
basics, and they don't even know what the basics are. Women need to learn how to be women again and how to
allow men to be men. How is this possible in today's world? It's possible by understanding our masculine and
feminine roles.
Men and women have both masculine and feminine traits. We just need to learn how to differentiate one from
the other, and when to play the appropriate role.
Many women operate in their masculine roles while being unaware of it. Today’s women work side by side with
men. We have women construction workers, electricians, firefighters, law enforcement officers, soldiers, pilots. We
have women CEOs, owners of large and small companies, upper-level managers. Are these women masculine?
These are masculine jobs, but it doesn't mean that the women who perform them aren't feminine. But often they
don't know how to switch from the masculine role to the feminine.
I'm going to teach you how to do this. Learning how to make the transition is imperative to your success in
dating and finding that beautiful relationship you're looking for.
Here is what today's single woman looks like. She's over forty and could be up to eighty years old. I work with
women all the time, and it's amazing how many women in their eighties are still holding positions in the workforce.
They're still young, vibrant, beautiful, self-sufficient, and independent. But regardless of their age group, they’re all
looking for love. Most will say that they don't need a man but want a man. What they're actually saying is, "I don't
need a man, I can take care of myself." They’re doing it wrong.
Let's take a closer look at a single woman over forty. She works outside the home. She may own a home, and she
may have dependent children—the children or the grandchildren she’s raising. She takes care of every aspect of
their lives—the kids, the house, the laundry. She does the cleaning and the cooking, she maintains the yard and the
car maintenance. She takes the grandchildren to the doctor and to the dentist. She’s in complete control of every part
of their daily lives.
Enter a man. She continues to run her life as she does every day. And now she's making all the dating plans as
well. She decides when, where, and what they'll do with their time together. She's in complete control. A man looks
at this situation and sees no place for him to fit in. She doesn't need him. So he disappears.
Men want to be needed. They want to lead, to provide, and to protect. When a woman shows up with all her
masculine energy, she’s not appealing or attractive to a man. Masculine energy is by nature a competitive energy.
Men are in a masculine competitive environment all day. They're not looking for a relationship in which they have
to compete.
You're probably thinking, “Well, how else should a woman be if she’s alone and has to take care of everything
in her life?” In today's world most women have to function with masculine energy. The key is to know when and
how to make the switch from the masculine to the feminine energy. This is much easier said than done, but I can
assure you it can be done once you know how.
 Let's talk about today's single man. He’s looking for the same thing you are. He's looking for a quality woman to
love and to share his life with. Most men are decent men, aside from a few who are not and have never been. Men
are men. They are the same at sixty, seventy, and eighty as they were at twenty-five and thirty-five. If they were
players and cheaters, then they are still players and cheaters. If they disrespected women then, they'll disrespect
women now. If they were losers then, they're still losers now. But there are wonderful, decent, and respectful men
who are looking for love too. Most of them are as confused about how to navigate today's dating world as women.
They don't have the support system we women have. We have girlfriends and can confide in other women. Some
men have children they see on the weekends or every other week, or they have grandchildren they visit, but outside
of that their main world is their work. And although some may have hobbies and groups they belong to, a significant
majority of them are alone and very lonely.
The men who try dating are as disappointed in the women they meet as the women are in the men they meet.
Why is this? Observing single men and women for years, I've come to a conclusion about this disconnect. Men and
women don't know how to show up for each other—more of what we've never been taught how to do and be
effective at. We have to develop a different mindset if we're to be successful in finding our right match.
Author John Gray said it right when he wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Men and women
find it so hard to understand one another. Granted, we women are complicated and confusing to men, but we can
learn to understand them. It's not that difficult. Men are very simple creatures.
How does this tie into dating? I encourage you to look your most feminine self when you go on your first date.
I'm talking about your appearance, your manners, and your conduct. Men unconsciously make a decision about a
woman in the first sixty seconds. Leave the business attire in the closet when going on dates. It represents masculine
energy. Men love skirts and sexy strappy shoes or heels. I don't ask you to change your style or the way you like to
dress, I'm just encouraging you to look feminine. If you rock jeans, wear jeans, but make sure your top, jacket, and
shoes are feminine. Any man will find a woman attractive in well-fitting jeans and sexy shoes, but leave the cowboy
boots and the jean jacket in the closet.
Remember, the first sixty seconds are critical for the first impression. Men love confident women. A big warm
smile and a friendly demeanor speaks volumes to that man, and he’ll quickly relax and think you’re great. So it's
critical his the first impression is that of a feminine energy as opposed to a masculine energy, which is a guaranteed
turnoff.
If you pass the masculine-feminine energy test at the first meeting, the rest is a little harder to achieve, but you
can do it. Accept the fact that you’ll have to allow a man to be a man. He'll automatically know how to be that man
if you allow it and make it easy for him. He will lead, and you must let him. Allow him to do the asking for the next
date. Allow him to ask for your phone number. Allow him to make plans. At any time, when a man asks you what
you'd like or where you'd like to go for dinner, allow him to make the decision. Allow him to be in charge.
However, I do believe in helping him out by letting him know what you like because the last thing he wants to
do is to make a mistake. You tell him to pick a restaurant, he takes you to an elegant steak house, and you sit down
and tell him that you're a vegetarian. Or he takes you to a lovely restaurant for seafood, and then you tell him that
you're allergic to fish. Make sure you never do this to a man. Your date wants to impress you, and you've
unknowingly just shot him down.
If a man asks you where you'd like to have dinner, tell him you'd like him to pick a pace but give him a little
help. He'll appreciate you for it. "I love seafood and Mexican cuisine. I like just about everything except sushi." He'll
remember what you tell him and will have some nice surprises for you on future dates.
If you're a woman who likes to take charge and to control everything in her daily life, this is the time to allow
someone else to be in charge and to take control. Let a man take care of you on the date. Allow him to pursue you
for future dates. Let him feel like a man. Remember, a man is attracted to a woman by the way she makes him feel,
so make him feel like a man, and he’ll rise to the occasion.
Men don't have objections to women who are powerful and successful. It's a myth that men are intimidated by
powerful and successful women. A man leaves when he sees that there's no room for him in that woman's life. She
doesn’t need him. If you're such a woman, you must find ways to make that man feel that you do need him. You can
always start by asking him to do things for you. Men love it. They love being asked to help a woman. There are so
many ways we could use a man's help. "I get the feeling you're very handy with tools. I'm wondering if I could ask
you to fix my drippy faucet?”
Yes, you’re self-sufficient and could probably fix it yourself or call a neighbor or a plumber. Don’t. Ask the guy
you’re dating! Make him feel needed. Women have to learn how to ask men for help and to let them know what we
want and need.
Help him understand you. Don't make him guess and risk making a mistake. Don't hint and don’t be vague—he's
not going to get it. Speak plain simple English. Men are simple creatures and they understand simple language. “I
like...” or “I want...” Say it straight, and never make your "ask" an order. No man wants to be ordered around.
Always ask by saying, "I'm wondering if you could help me with this?" He’ll drop everything and come to your aid.
That's what men do. Always, always, always show your appreciation and gratitude.
Don't be shy with the compliments. If he does a great job washing your dinner dishes, let him know. But always
be sincere about the compliment. The more you appreciate a man, the more you compliment him and allow him to
help you, the more he'll do for you. Make him feel that you need him and want him to take care of you.
Once you achieve these skills, you’ll be operating from your feminine energy. You can be powerful in the
boardroom, you can blaze masculine energy, as long as you allow you man to lead and to take care of you when
you’re with him.
I always enjoy teaching women the difference between the masculine and the feminine energy and helping them
recognize both in themselves. Starting today pay attention to how you feel and identify what energy you're operating
in at any given moment. You'll soon be able to switch from one energy to the other as needed.
Next we’ll talk about what every woman wants to know: how to be irresistible. Don't we all want to know the
secret to our charm?
 CHAPTER 10
Be the Woman Men Can't Resist

Many women believe that looking and acting sexy is irresistible to men. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes,
men love a sexy woman, and when a man loves a woman, she’s really hot and sexy to him. But when a woman tries
to entice a man by being sexy, she's sending him the wrong message, and a man will perceive her as someone who is
fit for a short-term relationship only. He’ll stick around for a night, maybe for a few weeks, but then he moves on.
This is one of the biggest mistakes that women make and one of the hardest lesson for women to learn.
Women's biggest fear is not being attractive enough. We've all seen that woman we wouldn't call attractive and
certainly not beautiful who draws men like a magnet. Or a gorgeous, handsome man with a woman who is not very
pretty and doesn't have the best figure, but whom he adores and treats like a queen. What do these women have?
On the other hand, we’ve all seen stunning, beautiful women who are poorly treated and often abused by their
men. What are they doing wrong?
How can you become the woman men find irresistible?
Attracting love starts with you. You have to love, respect, and value yourself first. Put your wants and needs
first. When you're your best for yourself first, you’ll be your best for others. Putting yourself first is not being
selfish. It's looking out for number one—you. When you take care of your needs first, you will attract the man who
will take of your needs for you.
What captures a man's attention? What draws him to a certain woman who isn’t necessarily attractive? It’s her
happiness. She is fun, upbeat, and joyful. That is very attractive to men. They like women who are feminine, soft,
and approachable. Above all, men notice and love confident women. Confidence building is an ongoing process.
We’ve talked about gaining confidence earlier in the book, and we're going to talk more about it here.
Many women tell me they have forgotten how to flirt. I don't think they have forgotten, I think they never knew
how to do it in the first place. I've seen women act very overt with men, believing they were flirting. Flirting is
subtle and never overt. Any playful way you give attention to a man is flirting—a smile, an eye contact, an air of
presence.
When you’re in a conversation with a man, look at him while he's speaking. Don't fidget, don't look away, don't
look around the room or look at your phone. Give your conversation your full undivided attention. It's a skill
everyone should master and use in all conversations. Think about the things you do when you're in the presence of a
man you're attracted too. Most of us get silly, giddy, nervous, or self-conscious, and we don't quite know what to do.
Yes, we still do that when we’re fifty, sixty, and seventy years old.
I'm going to remove all the things we used to do and replace them with the skills that are easy and
straightforward. They’re subtle and effective. You can use them on your first date or when you’re well into a
relationship, even if you're already married to Mr. Right. The only difference in flirting when you’re in a committed
relationship or married is the degree: dial it up and make it sexually suggestive. Couples should never stop flirting
with one another.
So how do you flirt when you start dating or meeting someone you're interested in?
Your best flirting techniques are: eye contact, smile, and attention. If you nail these three, you’re well on your
way, and the rest is easy. If you're interested in a man, you want to let him know. How do you do that? If you’re
engaged in a conversation, a touch on his arm is another great technique. Use the touch to make a point and hold
your hand on his arm only for a moment. Another technique is to sit or stand just a little closer to him than you
normally would. Please don't make it blatantly obvious. Move just in inch or two, and he’ll get the message. Men
use the touch technique all the time. When a man is interested in a woman, he'll touch her—on the arm, on the
shoulder—and he'll almost always will stand quite close.
There is a great deal more to learn about flirting, but this will certainly get you started. Most women tell me they
feel less nervous or unsure of themselves with these tools and skills. It helps get them through some of the awkward
stages.
Here is another technique to use if you'd like to meet a guy when you’re out and about. Ask a man for
something, and you'll have his attention. The supermarket is a great place to meet and talk to men. Practice, practice,
practice talking to strangers. Watch for the man in the produce section or the meat section or the dairy section. If he's
looking at kale, ask him how he prepares it, tell him you're interested in trying it. And always check for a ring—you
don't want to go down a forbidden road. If he's in the meat section checking out a particular cut of meat, ask him
how he prepares it or what he thinks of another kind of cut. You’ll encounter an occasional brush-off but don’t give
it a second thought and instead give yourself credit for practicing. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you.
You have no way of knowing what kind of day he's had.
I had promised you to talk more about confidence because a confident woman is very attractive to men. We've
already covered creating confidence with a new look. Makeovers are a huge confidence builder for women. When
we look great, we feel great. But there are other confidence-building strategies that you can use. One of them is
learning how to be comfortable in your body.
Women come in all shapes and sizes. I’ve yet to know a woman who wasn't unhappy with some area of her
body. I believe every woman is beautiful no matter her size. It's time we all make peace with how we look and love
what we have. There is nothing more attractive than a woman knowing she's beautiful and acting beautiful
regardless of her size or weight.
We no longer have the bodies we had when we were twenty. If we love our imperfections, our man will too. If
we don't bring it to his attention, he won't notice what we deem imperfect. Men don't see body parts, they see all of
you and love all of you, and they have different tastes in body types just as you do. But once a man picks up on the
body issue a woman has about herself, it's a turnoff for him. It becomes a distraction and it spoils his mood. So love
your extra ten or fifty pounds. Love the jiggle, love the wrinkles, love the sag. Be your beautiful self. Remember,
our topic is how to be irresistible to men.
A great confidence builder is a full life. A man appreciates a woman who has interests, hobbies, a circle of
friends. He'll be flattered that your making time for him, and not because you had nothing else to do. He'll appreciate
you being happy with your life and he won't have to be responsible for your happiness. A confident woman is a
woman who is okay with being alone. She wants a man in her life, but she will wait until she finds the right one.
She's far from desperate. A man is turned off by desperation. A desperate woman will have whomever will have her.
A man loves a woman who is confident in social situations. He's happy to know she can hold her own and enjoy
herself. She's an asset to him and a compliment. He knows it when you make him look good. He is attracted to your
confidence, to the fact that you know what you want and aren’t afraid to ask for it. A confident woman can let a man
know what she likes and wants. Men want to make you happy, so if you can help him out, he will love and
appreciate you for it.
Men don't want to guess and do it wrong. They don't like making mistakes and are happy when a woman is
comfortable in expressing her wants and needs. They love a woman who is positive and upbeat. Dispense with
negativity, whining, and complaining. Don't be a Debbie Downer or a Chatty Cathy. Women who talk nonstop,
complain about everything and have only negative things to talk about are a turnoff for everyone. No one wants to
be around a woman like this.
Most of the time we aren't even aware that we have these unattractive qualities. Ask a trusted loving friend who
will tell truthfully if you’re guilty of these habits. You'll want to correct them as quickly as possible because they
will work against you and hamper your dating success.
The greatest man magnet is a woman who is playful, fun, and flirty. Make a man feel like a man. Give him your
full attention. Your attention will be a great complement, and he'll find you irresistible.
I want to remind you again about the roles of a man: to lead, to pursue, to provide, and to protect. You’ll never
be more desirable and attractive to a man than when you allow him to play his role. Remember to appreciate him, to
be present, to be attentive and upbeat. Men will be drawn to you, and you'll bring out the best in them.
We indeed can be treated like queens—be loved and adored. What men want from us is to be loved. Love him,
be loyal to him, be supportive and trustworthy—these are the greatest gifts you can give him. In return, he’ll cherish
and adore you. You’ll forever be irresistible to him.
Next, I want to show you how to avoid the wrong man. My book would not be complete without this next
chapter. My mission is to for you to find the man of your dreams and to keep you from making the mistakes that no
woman should ever make. I'm going to show you how to recognize what I call "red flags," the indicators of trouble
in relationships.
 CHAPTER 11
Recognizing Red Flags

Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear about yet another relationship that's dysfunctional. How did it happen? What
went wrong? How could something that seemed so perfect come to this? And how can you avoid becoming a
victim? Sometimes you can't, but there are many things you can do to prevent it happening to you.
When we meet and fall in love, we indeed have blinders on. At our age and with our wisdom we need to remove
those blinders and use common sense. The signs are always there, we just don't pay attention to them. We women
are notorious for making excuses—we excuse bad behavior in the men whom we're attracted to or are in love with.
The irony of it is, the signs are almost always there right from the very beginning.
I’ve been a victim of abuse, and I can tell you there were signs right from the start that I had ignored and
excused away. When we're in bliss, we deny everything that has even the remotest chance of bursting our happy
bubble.
Let's start from the beginning.
Your first date leaves clues. Is he attentive to you, or is he constantly looking around the room and looks at every
woman walking past? That's blatant disrespect for you. You'd be wise to cut the date short and most certainly not see
this man again. If he calls and wants to see you, just decline and tell him you don't think you're a fit for each other.
It's a red flag.
Observe how your date treats the food server. Is he respectful and polite, or is he rude and critical about the
service or the food? Don't excuse his rude behavior with the possibility that he might’ve had a bad day. He's not a
good candidate for the second date. If he's disrespectful to others, eventually he'll be disrespectful to you and family
members. It's a red flag.
What's his behavior like in a car? Is he a courteous driver who obeys the laws and who is calm and relaxed? Or
is he impatient and rude to other drivers or pedestrians? This is a man with low-stress levels and anger issues, or
both. He's a person who is unable to control his emotions. It's a red flag.
Is your man often irritated for no good reason? You keep guessing if you did something that has irritated him.
You’re walking on egg shells. It's a red flag.
If your man is always speaking poorly about someone—his ex-wife, his children, his boss— he has relationship
issues and will always feel like a victim. It's a red flag.
Is he often moody and shuts you out for periods of time? Sometimes for days or weeks? It's a red flag.
Do you see signs of immaturity and demands for attention? Yes, even seventy- and eighty-year-olds can exhibit
this kind of behavior. Is he irresponsible? Does he let his bills pile up without paying them? Does he take care of his
health, or has he let himself go physically and eats poorly? Is he really someone you want to be with? These are red
flags.
Watch his drinking habits. Are all your activities centered around drinking? Does he drink too much? Does he
often get drunk? Does his personality change when he drinks? Does he do drugs? What kind? Are they street drugs
or prescription drugs? Does he expect you to participate with him? If you're subjected to any signs of excessive drug
or alcohol use, get out of the relationship as quickly as possible. It'll get much worse before it ever gets better.
Watch for signs of controlling behavior. If he insists you do what he wants you to do, he's trying to control you.
If he wants you only to himself and if he wants to limit the time you spend doing things without him or seeing your
friends, he’s trying to control you. Controlling behavior does get worse over time and can lead to complete isolation,
anger, jealousy, and beatings.
Does your man initiate rough play, physically hurting you under the guise of being affectionate? Does he like
inflicting pain? It's a red flag. As time goes on, he'll become more intense. His roughness will escalate and his pain
infliction will increase. You’re not safe and must get out of a relationship like this immediately.
Is the new man in your life rushing you,? Is he moving things along too fast? Does he want to see you more
often than you'd like? Does he want to monopolize your time? Is he moving too fast to get intimate with you and
pushing for sex? Is he talking about moving in together or about marriage, and you hardly know him? These are all
red flags. It’s best to just move on without him.
You may experience the opposite behavior. He’s distancing himself. Or he comes and goes when he feels like it
and expects you to wait around and welcome him back every time he shows up. This is a red flag that can be an
indication of a double life. There could be another girlfriend or a wife and a family that he doesn't want you to know
about. There is no future with a man like this—get out of the relationship and move on.
If your friends and family don't like him, pay attention. Ask them why they don't like him. They often see things
and pick up on behaviors long before you do. The people who love you want you be happy. They also don't want to
see you making a mistake by taking up with the wrong kind of man. It's some of the most valuable feedback you
could be getting.
Earlier I talked about your first date leaving clues, but sometimes the clues are missing, and you have no
warning that your date is the wrong kind of man. He's charming and does all the right things. You’re absolutely
smitten. Everything seems just perfect , and nothing could go wrong. Yet there are clues that you may have very
well missed. And those clues will tell you that this man will charm you until he conquers you, will have you where
he wants you, and then will do a complete 180-degree turn in his behavior.
I've heard numerous women share their stories about such a man in their lives. Usually the behavior changes
right after marriage. His demeanor changes and he becomes controlling and abusive. You're left wondering where
this wonderful man who had swept you off your feet has disappeared to. What changed? What happened? I’ve yet to
understand this kind of man and his disorder. He doesn't quite fit the profile of a sociopath, but that's the closest
connection I was able to make. The clue you should be looking for is this: Is he too perfect? That in itself should
arouse your suspicion. Is he really for real? You know the old adage—if it sounds too good to be true, it probably
isn't. I'd suggest finding out as much about him through his friends as you can.
These are all serious red flags.
In the beginning the troubling signs can be subtle and unrecognizable. The earlier you can spot them, the easier
you can get out of a relationship. The longer you stay in a relationship like this, the harder it will become to get out
of it. Worse, your staying together with such a man could escalate his abusive behavior to the point when it will
become dangerous. The earlier you get out of it, the better. It’s not the relationship you were looking for. If you start
pointing out what you've noticed and what you want no part of, you risk the breakup getting ugly and even
dangerous.
I'll share my own personal story. I met my husband in a cocktail lounge. I was a cocktail server; he was a patron.
He worked nearby, and on his breaks he'd stop in for a drink. Everyone liked him; he was a happy drinker. He asked
me out sometimes, and I always turned him down. In retrospect I believe deep down I recognized a behavior that
was making me uncomfortable. I failed to acknowledge it.
Eventually I went out with him, and our dates always included excessive drinking. I wasn't much of a drinker
and not interested in becoming one either. I remember being aware of the personality change the more he drank and
I didn't like it. But it wasn't enough for me to walk away.
I also did the very thing that today I tell women not to do. I moved into his home. I was exposed to the drinking
on a daily basis. I was unhappy and angry most of the time. We were compatible in every way, but the drinking was
a problem and resulted in many heated fights. I gave it a year, and at the end of that year, I made arrangements to
move out and leave him. Six months later he quit drinking and wanted me back. I told him to look me up in a year if
he was still sober.
We eventually married, had a business, but the sobriety ended. After five years he went back to drinking. At the
moment of his first drink, I knew the marriage was over. The next two years were a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.
The divorce was ugly, with threats, violence, restraining orders, police calls, and a tremendous toll on my health that
left me with a debilitating three-year depression.
I often wonder what that fifteen years of my life would have looked like if I'd acknowledged my feelings about
unnatural drinking and made a different choice. How many of us have made these poor choices the first time
around? The purpose of my book is to make better choices the second time around. We have another chance to do it
right.
I'll share one more personal story. I was in my early twenties, a time I now refer to as being “young and dumb.” I
did what you do in your twenties in the 1960s: I went to clubs. That is how I met a suave, charming, fun, and intense
South American. He swept me right off my feet.
I had a three-year relationship with him, and it was one of the best times of my life. We were two very carefree
young kids having fun. It was a passion-filled romance. We loved hard, played hard, and fought hard. However, he
had a dark side—and again I missed the clues. The first clue: he never missed looking at another woman walking by.
Next, he started cheating with my girlfriends. I'd blame the girl, and that left him to do it again. Actually, the first
clue should have been his excessive jealousy. I took it as a compliment. Jealousy is not a compliment. It's a behavior
that escalates.
I saw his jealousy getting more intense and obsessive. One night leaving a party I received an unexpected blow
to the face so hard it nearly knocked me out. His rage was over someone at the party that had talked to me. I'd finally
had enough and decided he’d struck me for the last time. I caught a blow across the back of my head that knocked
me to the ground. That's when I'd had enough.
I often talk about getting out of potential problems early on because later is much harder and can be dangerous. I
had to be very careful how I got myself away from this man as he was a threat and a danger to me. It took quite
some time for me to stop looking over my shoulder because I was afraid.
Here are some of the excuses we give ourselves when we want to deny that things aren't exactly great in our
relationship.
“He isn't calling. He's just shy.” When a man isn't calling, he doesn't want to call. If a man is interested in you,
no matter how shy he is, he will call. If he’s not calling, he could be distancing himself from you. Then one day he’ll
comes back and repeat the pattern.
“He's abusive, but it’s my fault. I shouldn't have made him angry.”
“I see him only when he wants something. He must be busy with his work.”
Whenever a man's behavior makes you uncomfortable, and you feel that twinge, that pinch, that's a red flag. It's
telling you something. Every red flag is a warning and information you must pay attention to. Look back at your
past relationships and recall the number of times when the warning signs were there and you didn't pay attention to
them. Take a paper and a pencil and write down all the times when you had warning signs and ignored them. How
many times did you have a gut feeling about something or somebody? Learn to listen to your gut, because your gut
will never stir you wrong.
I want to point out more behaviors to pay attention to. They’re not necessarily red flags, but they will certainly
point out to you the men who aren’t available.
Men who play games or toy with you are not in it for the long-term relationship and will waste your time.
If you're dating a man who will only text or email you, and you've made it clear that you prefer a phone call, he's
ignoring your request. It's a clear sign that he's only interested in what he wants. He's a man who isn’t interested in
what you want.
There is the "last minute guy." He doesn't believe in making plans; he just expects you to be happy to hear from
him. He thinks you have no other life and will always see him at the last minute. He's the guy who calls at midnight
for a booty call or after he's been out all night with someone else.
Have you ever been around a man who flirts like crazy every time he sees you but will never ask you out? He's
just building his ego and has no interest and no intentions of ever asking you for a date. Stop flirting back. Let him
get his ego fix elsewhere.
Have you ever gone to bed with a guy on the first or the second date only to never hear from him again? Oh yes,
it still happens at our age. Men are still men, and you still want to believe the guy who whispers in your ear that
you’re the most irresistible woman he's ever laid eyes on.
Or how about this one. You did this incredibly foolish act, you slept with him and afterward you were repulsed
by him. You asked yourself, “What could I’ve been thinking!”
You start dating a man, and he lets you know he has recently broken up with someone and still trying to get over
her. I'd suggest not getting involved. He's not available for you, and chances are good he'll go back to the other
woman and leave you with a broken heart. Not worth the risk.
If a man wants to see you only during the week but never on the weekends, there is a reason. Ask him for a
Friday or a Saturday night date. There is a reason you're not doing things with him on the weekends.
A man who is not available or ready for a commitment is elusive and vague about the future. You don't know
where your relationship stands, and you often feel like a friend rather than a girlfriend. If pressed, he gives you his
reason as not being ready for a relationship. It simply means you’re not his "right one." If you were, he'd be willing
to commit to a relationship.
Most of us carry around old beliefs about relationships that are myths.
The biggest myth that I've already addressed in the previous chapter is that men are intimidated by successful,
powerful women. It’s not true. Men are very attracted to powerful, successful women. What men are turned off by is
the focus and the attention these women give their businesses that leaves little time for a man or for attracting love.
When you meet the right man, you'll know it. That is a myth. We’re ruled and drawn in by the chemistry that
fires off between a man and a woman when there is a strong attraction. With time that initial chemistry wears off,
and when it does, the dynamics of the relationship change. That's when the incompatibility of two people begins to
show up, and eventually the relationship ends. The strong chemistry between two people has no staying power. The
relationship is so physical, you both fail to get to know the real person in one another. Once the passion has burned
up, you find you have nothing else in common. You'll never know if he's the right one without spending time getting
to know him first. I'm not saying that after a period of dating and spending time with each other you wouldn't be
able to come to the conclusion that you strongly feel he’s the one. The myth is knowing it the first time you meet.
Dating is stressful, and meeting men is hard. That's a myth. If you want to believe that and have that kind of
mindset, it will be far more difficult for you than it needs to be. Dating and meeting people can be a lot of fun. It's all
about how you look at it.
 A good relationship should be effortless. That's a myth. Two people can be wonderfully compatible, but
relationships still take work, time, and energy. Without focus and attention to the happiness and the well-being of a
relationship, it can't be sustained.
Online dating doesn't work. That's a myth. More and more happy relationships are created from online dating
than ever before. The key to online dating is learning how to navigate the online world. It absolutely pays to become
effective and be active online. Online is where you'll find the largest number of single men anywhere. They’re there
for the same reason you are, and that's to make a love connection.
I always enjoy teaching women how to be smart daters and how to choose their lifelong partners wisely. If you
can live out the second half of your life in the most joyful way possible, isn't learning how to do that worth it? So
many of us didn't get it right in the first half of our lives. Too many of us have experienced disappointments,
heartache, sadness, frustration, defeat, pain, bitterness, and abuse. That is not how life is to be lived. We don’t have
to resign ourselves to the belief that it’s our lot in life. We all deserve to love and to be loved, to be happy and to
lead fulfilled lives.
I've given you the tools and the skills that will make your dating life successful. Next, we're going to cover more
strategies—a few bits and pieces to make your dating life easier and to help you find Mr. Right. Yes, we have a little
more ground to cover.
 CHAPTER 12
Bits and Pieces: Pulling It All Together

Before you go back into the scary world of dating, I have a few more tips to give you, to leave you fully armed and
ready for your dating success.
First and foremost, dating success starts with you and how you feel about yourself. Until you feel comfortable in
your own skin, you'll struggle.
In the beginning of the book we’ve talked about enhancing your appearance. Sometimes that's all it takes. If you
look fabulous when you look in the mirror, it can create a 180-degree shift in how you feel on the inside. If you want
a man to treat you like a queen, you must like yourself and treat yourself that way first.
I've given you the tools to help you take the first steps back into the dating world. I want to carry that a bit
further before I wrap up the book by giving you a few more strategies to ensure your dating success.
Our demographic has passed through decades of building bad habits. We don't seem to have learned much from
that, and too many of us are still making mistakes. We must change how we do things to give us a different and
better results.
Do you remember the times when girls were asking men for dates? Men loved it. They didn't have to do much
and certainly didn't have to face being rejected as they did when they had to do the asking. As a result men became
very lazy and stopped trying to pursue the girls of their choice. So many girls have asked them for dates, most of
these men at some point got lucky and married one of the girls who had been pursuing them. Many of these men are
now single and out in the dating world again, clueless as to how to do the pursuing. They’re still waiting for the
women to make their first move. And you know what? Some women are still doing it.
Don't you want the man to do the work for you? The more a man works to win a woman's heart, the more he
values her. Aren't we all about finding a quality man who cherishes and adores us? Then we have to play our cards
differently. I'm not suggesting playing games here—we're too old for games. What I’m saying is, if we were to get
what we want and to have what we want, we have to engage in more effective ways.
If a man were to have me because I’ve pursued him, I would probably never feel valued or special in some way.
But I would feel it if he really worked at winning me and at selling himself to me. I’d think, “Yes, I'm special, and
he has played his cards well. He has showed me that he has what it takes to make me happy, to provide for me and
to take care of me.” That's what you want. When you start dating again, let the men pursue you. There is nothing
wrong with flirting and showing an interest, but they must make the first move.
Another bad habit that came out of the same era is us women picking up the tab. We would pay for half the
dinner bill, or too many times we would pick up the entire bill. One of the hardest jobs as a coach I have is to get
women to keep their credit cards in their handbags. If the man does the inviting, then the man pays. There is only
one time when you can be the one paying, and that's to reciprocate and to occasionally treat him. Most men—if
they’re true gentlemen—still won't allow you pay, but they'll certainly appreciate your efforts to do something for
them. However, if you have a man or several men whom you've known for some time and you're just friends, I'd say
it's okay to share in the expense of your entertainment. But I don't recommend it if you're looking for the quality
man you want a relationship with.
Here is my philosophy. I want a man who is generous and who shows me he wants to take care of me, and that
includes paying. I'm not interested in being invited to a dinner and being expected to pay for part of the evening on a
date this man has asked me for. If a man asks you to pay for half, he's not the quality man you’re looking for. No,
no, no. You’re not to make an excuse that he doesn't have much money. If he can't afford the cost of a date, he
shouldn't be asking you for company, period.
Dating in the second half of your life is all about making good choices. Do you really want to take on supporting
yourself and another person too? Some of the women I've coached have dated men outside of the area where they
live. A few of these women had made their own travel arrangements and had paid for the trips to see their men.
Their men had it easy and rarely made the trips themselves. Often I've been around to see these one-sided
relationships end.
The first time a man expects you to travel to meet him, you have to let him know what you expect from him. It
will be tough to do, but you must do it. Here is what you say: “I’d love to come and see you. Can I expect you to
make the travel arrangements and pay for the trip? It's the only way I’d be able to come and see you. Or maybe it's
easier for you to make the trip and visit me? I'd love to see you.” Believe me, you’ll find out very quickly what you
need to know about this man. A real gentleman would never even cause you to have to say that. A real gentleman
will invite you and will let you know that he’s making all your travel arrangements and that the tab is on him. He's a
man who shows respect and values you. The same holds true for the man who is suggesting a weekend getaway. A
real gentleman will say, “I'll have two rooms reserved for us.” He will let you know upfront that he's not expecting
anything you're not ready for. If he wants to take you away for the weekend and says nothing about the
accommodations, you must ask him and let him know that you must have your own room. If he expects you to pay
for the extra room, don’t accept his invitation.
I'm reminding you again—you’re looking for a quality man who will respect you, value you, and take care of
you.
Our demographic has had our share of boyfriends in our earlier years, and some of us have done a reasonable
amount of bed-hopping. That’s another bad habit we have developed.
Unfortunately, it's a pattern the young women of today have taken on as a norm. Physical intimacy is happening
too quickly. For years I've been encouraging my clients to slow down. There are a number of reasons for this.
Comedian and The Steve Harvey Morning Show host Steve Harvey came up with the ninety-day rule.3 The
ninety-day rule is a decision you make when dating a man not to have sex for at least ninety days. I think it’s an
excellent advice as it takes you at least that amount of time to get to know the man you're dating. If you start having
sex a week or two into dating, it will cloud your thinking, and you’ll miss what you really should be concentrating
on, and that’s getting to know the man you're with. In ninety days you'll only manage to scratch the surface of his
true personality, but once you bring sex into the relationship, your focus will stray.
I want to leave you with one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten—take your time with physical
intimacy. If he's the one for you, develop the emotional intimacy first—it’ll make everything so much better when
you do become physically intimate. There is so much you need to find out about this man. Will he stay around if he's
not having sex with you? Is he clean? Will he get himself tested before you have sex? There are more STDs in the
senior population than has ever been reported.
Guard your health and be cautious. I've had women ask me how to say no. Here is how you do it. Simply say,
"I'm not ready to go there yet, give me time." If the man pouts and doesn't respect that, he's not the man for you, and
it’s best to reevaluate. I’ve also known women who don't want anything permanent. They like the freedom of dating
different men and experiencing variety. They enjoy having sex with whomever they choose.
I’m not old school, and I'm not a prude. We all have the freedom and the dignity to live our lives as we choose,
and no one has the right to tell us otherwise. What I’ve written about in this book is strictly for the women who want
a strong, healthy relationship with one quality man they can share the rest of their life with. Of course, there are
always exceptions, but I advise you not to live together, especially if your end goal is marriage. If a man doesn't
have to do something, he's not going to, and by moving in with him you’ll destroy your chances of marriage.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But I want to know if we're compatible!” If you take your time
and get to know each other, you'll know if you're a fit. Spend weekends together, take trips, travel. You don't have to
go so far as to live together. Once you do, chances are great there will be no marriage. On the other hand, if you’re a
couple that is happy together, and if you both understand that marriage is not the goal, then it’s okay. It’s a
convenient arrangement for couples in their eighties and nineties that want their assets and estates to go to their
children.
We have one more important subject to cover before the end of the book—your standards.
You develop standards by knowing what you want and what's important to you. Once they’re clear in your mind,
you'll find it very easy to recognize the right man for you. If your bar is high, you'll find the man who will rise to the
occasion and meet your standards. Anything less will leave you unsatisfied. This is why it’s so important to set your
standards first. Once you hold yourself to a standard, you'll know what's necessary for you and what you want in that
special man. Don't let anyone tell you that you've set your bar too high. Remember, it's your life, and you can have
what's important to you, because you’re worth it.
I hold myself to very high standards, and I’d expect nothing less from the man in my life. A man loves the
woman who has standards. It takes the guesswork out for him. He knows what's important to her and he’ll meet her
expectations. Please don't waste time on the men who are not what you're looking for. I know some women who
became good friends with the men they came to like, the men who weren’t fit for a long-term, committed
relationship. Many good friendships have developed this way. If you’re not interested in a man, always be upfront
about it, but remain kind and sensitive to his feelings. He may really like you and will be hurt. Give yourself enough
time to make that determination. Once you realize he's not for you, be honest and move on.
I've only touched the tip of the iceberg in this book. My objective was to show you how to get back out into the
dating world. I wanted to leave you with the knowledge on how to be effective at dating and choosing a partner in a
way we've never been taught. Enjoy your dating journey. Make it fun and keep it light. Remember, most men are
good men. Most men are simply not good at dating—so give them a chance. You don't want to miss out on a great
guy just because he lacks a few dating skills. What’s important is how he treats you.
 Remind yourself every day you’re special and beautiful. You have so much to offer to the right man, so don't sell
yourself short. I want nothing less for you than to have the relationship and the man of your dreams.
I’d love to hear from you. What part of my book has helped you the most? My contact information is in the back of
the book. Your feedback will help me write the next book for you. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Marlene Wagner

www.attractloveatanyage.com
www.facebook.com/coach.marlenew
parkavenueunlimited@dock.net
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My thanks to Chandler Bolt for creating Self-Publishing School and the Master Mind Community.
My thanks and gratitude to the amazing support and new friends I have in the Master Mind group
My thanks to coach Ramy Vance who gave me the direction I needed to get my book written.
Many thanks to a great editor, Spencer Hamilton, the Nerdy Wordsmith. You've made me look so good; you are
my new friend.
My thanks to the talented Jenna Sayler who so perfectly captured my vision for the cover of my book.
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Marlene has worked directly with the public since her first job at age 16, perfecting her people skills in ways few
have. Her deep compassion to make the world a better place eventually led her to the world of coaching. She
obtained a coaching license and certification in the year 2000. As a life coach, her focus was helping her clients have
better and healthier relationships. Many of her clients were single women looking for love the second time around.
In 2011, she traded her fast-paced Los Angeles lifestyle of 47 years for a return to her childhood roots: a more
serene life on the beautiful plains of North Dakota. Her inspiration for this book came directly from her single
women clients. She experienced firsthand these lovely women’s need to find love again. Attract Love at Any Age is
Marlene's first book and—most certainly, she'll tell you—is not her last.
 ENDNOTES

1 "The Forever Wisdom of Dr. Wayne Dyer," PBS, March 2016.

2 “Marital satisfaction and break-ups differ across on-line and off-line meeting venues,” PNAS, December 2012.
3 Steve Harvey and Denene Millner, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition: What Men Really Think
About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment (New York: Amistad, 2009).
 Love the book? Please leave a review!

Thank you for downloading my book! I really appreciate all of your feedback, and we love hearing what you have to
say. Please leave a helpful REVIEW on Amazon by turning the page. Thanks so much!

— Marlene