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Single: A Relationships Status We’ve Unfairly Associated With Unhappiness

Gabe Smith

Department of English, Weber State University

English 2015: Intermediate College Research and Writing

Mrs. Jennifer Waldrip

April 16, 2023

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Single: A Relationships Status We’ve Unfairly Associated With Unhappiness

On October 1st, 2022, God called me to give up my pursuit of same-sex relationships. I

was at a camp in Park City with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and unexplainable

coincidences were happening all day; it was clear that God was trying to speak to me. That night,

the speaker talked about saying yes to God and I said yes to letting God have seniority over my

relationships. As a bisexual Christian, this had always been a point of tension for me because I

felt split between two paths. That night, I had chosen my path, and all I could do was mourn the

life I left behind and trust that God knows what’s best for me.

I began to wonder what my life might look like after such a monumental decision. Would

I end up married to a woman or remain single? Could I overcome the pressure from my Christian

and non-Christian friends to live my life a certain way? Could I find worth and happiness in a

celibate life? These questions led me to look for answers from those who had chosen a similar

lifestyle as me, and thus, this paper came about.

There’s an overwhelming expectation in America that people should pursue a romantic

relationship. So much so that it’s often assumed that a life without a romantic partner is less

valuable or fulfilling than a life spent in a relationship. However, I believe that the single life can

be so much more rewarding than we give it credit for, and it can even be preferable to being in a

relationship in many cases. I will support my opinion by discussing the societal pressure singles

face, our country’s unrealistic image of love, the connection between the quality of life and

relationship status, and the importance of non-romantic relationships.

Societal Pressure

The societal pressure to be in a relationship is what harms singles the most in our society.

There’s a shared belief in the United States that if someone is single, something is wrong with
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them. The untold reality is that some people are single purely because they want to be. Aska

Kolton (n.d.)–an empowerment coach and the creator of the Dating Detox Revolution–writes,

“Our society makes us believe that being single is wrong, and your goal should be to find

someone to be in a relationship with. Then and only then are you complete, happy, and more

acceptable socially.” (para. 2). Kolton’s statement perfectly summarizes the experience of too

many American singles: persecution because of a different path than the majority. John Sovec

(2016), an LGBTQ teen counselor, shares this sentiment. He argues that single people are told

they must have a reason for being single–as if enjoying being single isn’t enough. I completely

agree with the arguments of Kolton and Sovec because being single feels like a choice one has to

explain when it should be as normal as saying that one is dating or married.

One may wonder where this societal pressure is coming from and which groups are

campaigning its message, but the truth is that there is some kind of pressure–whether explicit or

implicit–to be in a romantic relationship in almost every people group in America. One example

is the Christian community, whose values shaped America and have arguably stayed intact.

Elizabeth Riese (2022)–author at Relevant and a single Christian woman in her 30s–argues that

the Christian church doesn’t often recognize singles the way it recognizes married couples and

families. She states, “Marriage is often spoken about as the most sanctifying experience a

believer can have, helping a person become more like Jesus as they learn to unconditionally love

their spouse.” (Riese, 2022, para. 3). Reise argues that marriage is often looked at as the “end

goal” in Christian communities instead of a possibility. This belief is only furthered by Maggie

Gallagher who is an American writer, socially conservative commentator, and a Catholic woman.

As someone who campaigns for marriage, Gallagher says that marriage gives one a “greater

sense of meaning and purpose to life” (2000, para. 24). While I understand what Gallagher is
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trying to argue, in a Christian context, her argument doesn’t hold up. A Christian’s purpose in

life should come from their creator, not a partner. Gallagher’s statement displays this nonsensical

and almost sacrilegious expectation that Riese is describing.

The LGBTQ+ community is another people group that pressures its community into

being romantically and sexually active. Many LGBTQ+ people have had to hide their feelings,

which leads to a celebration and exploration of one’s sexuality without shame. Although, this

ideal often creates pressure for queer singles who either aren’t ready to be in a relationship or

aren’t looking for one to explore their sexualities. In an article on the dating pressure within the

queer community, Sovec (2016) states, “There is often a lot of pressure from friends, family,

coworkers, and others for a gay person to be in a relationship.” (para. 1). Sovec’s statement

reveals that there is societal pressure to be in a relationship in almost all communities in

America; in both religious and queer settings which are often thought of as opposites. As a queer

Christian who has chosen to be single, I can seriously relate to the experiences of both Sovec and

Reise.

The Fantasy of Love

Our country has a very unrealistic view of love. Since the time we were kids, we’ve been

told fairy tales about a beautiful princess who meets a valiant prince and lives happily ever after,

without the slightest acknowledgment of conflict or tension in the relationship. For example,

Cinderella would have a different work ethic than Prince Charming; Prince Eric only cared about

Ariel’s looks and cheated on her when he found someone hotter; Snow White and Sleeping

Beauty were literally sexually assaulted by their “true loves.” Raymond Tran (2021)–student,

and writer for UCSD The Guardian–argues that the media’s unrealistic image of love has led us

to develop a fantasy about what relationships should look like. He states that this can cause us to
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be dismissive of any relationship that is anything short of the “perfect” ones we see in the media,

and simultaneously, this idea that our happily ever after is only achieved through a romantic

relationship causes us to settle for abusive or toxic partners–much like the princesses (Tran,

2021).

Another factor that plays into our society’s unrealistic view of love is the expectations put

on marriages. A common belief is that if a person is married, they will be much happier than if

they’d been single. The idea that marriage is the cure to loneliness and heartache is entirely

incorrect and Bella M. DePaulo–from the Department of Psychology at the University of

California, Santa Barbra–and Wendy L. Morris–from the Department of Psychology at the

University of Virginia–combat this idea. They argue that being in a sexual relationship does not

promise “monogamy, the right amount of sex, or a life in which sex will never again be an

issue,” much less, a lack of loneliness (DePaulo & Morris, 2005, p. 78). This misconception

about marriage is further addressed by Rhaina Cohen, producer, and editor of long-form podcasts

at NPR. She addresses the fact that most Americans believe that their romantic partner can check

all of their boxes by stating, “People expect to pile emotional support, sexual satisfaction, shared

hobbies, intellectual stimulation, and harmonious co-parenting all into the same cart.” (Cohen,

2020, para. 31). Cohen’s statement illustrates that it is impossible to find someone who can do it

all and setting the expectation that one’s partner can will only lead to disappointment.

Quality of Life and Relationship Status

The quality of our life is directly connected to the quality of our relationships. Many

studies have found that single people often have more friendships because married people tend to

be more insular. However, this still does not prevail as conclusive evidence as to how

relationship status affects the quality of one’s life, as the important factor is the health of those
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relationships. This is one area where both the married and unmarried are evenly matched as it is

completely possible to have healthy or unhealthy relationships in either relationship status. In

this section, I will discuss how marriage and singleness can improve or hinder a person’s quality

of life.

Marriage

Although I have spent the majority of this paper singing the praises of the single life, that

doesn’t mean that I disprove of marriage and what it can mean to many people. I believe that

there’s a reason that marriage is the expectation because, for a minority of Americans, marriage

is really great! Anna McKenzie–author and owner of CreativeDemand–shares, “Research shows

that people who are in strong, supportive relationships live longer, healthier lives. They’re less

likely to experience anxiety or relationship depression.” (2020, para. 8). This shows that if one’s

marriage is stable and healthy, their life quality will improve significantly. Married people are

advantaged in this way as they are–supposed to be–committed to an unconditionally loving

relationship. When done right, this can be an incredible sustainer of happiness, the only problem

is that it’s usually not in America.

Children

Raising children is preferable when one has someone else to help out, most commonly a

romantic partner. University of Minnesota sociology professors Kathleen E. Hull, Ann Meier,

and Timothy Ortyl (2010) describe that children raised by two happily married individuals tend

to fare better than children raised in broken homes or by single parents, but marital happiness is

key, not the fact that the individuals are married. It can be determined from this fact that stability

and happiness between two parents leads to better-off children, but this kind of parental

relationship is usually found in marriage.

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Finances

Our country significantly benefits married people over single people. If one is making the

decision to get married or not based purely on financial benefits, being married is easily the

smarter choice. Gallagher (2000) describes this American inequality by sharing, “Married men

make, by some estimates, as much as 40 percent more money than comparable single guys, even

after controlling for education and job history.” (para. 10). This shocking statistic displays the

disadvantage singles face in the wake of making money in this country. Although money can’t

buy happiness, it can improve quality of life, which gives married people the leg up in this case.

Singleness

All that to say, a case can still be made for how being single improves one’s quality of

life. An apparent example is that one has more freedom when they are single. Reise (2022)

shares that being single is a time when one can experience deep relationships without the

boundaries of a partner or children. Sovec (2016) furthers this claim by arguing, “There is no

need to morph yourself to a partner’s ideal, and you have room to discover who you are, what

you want, and what you need.” (para. 4). What Sovec and Reise are getting at is that singleness is

a time where one gets to prioritize their wants and needs while fostering deep friendships and

familial bonds. These benefits offer great improvements to the overall health of a single person

and can set them up for healthier future relationships.

Bad Relationships

One of the repercussions of dating is the chance of getting involved with the wrong

person. With the divorce rate in the U.S. consistently hovering around 50%, it’s clear that too

many people marry the wrong person. Our country’s common belief is that it’s better to have

loved and lost than never loved at all, however, the statistics say the opposite. Hull et al. discuss
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the findings of sociologists Mary Elizabeth Hughes and Linda Waite stating, “Those who

experienced divorce reported more chronic conditions, mobility limitations, and depression years

later, and remarriage boosted health some (particularly mental health), but not to the level of

those who never divorced in the first place.” (p. 36). These statistics show how important it is to

pick the right partner if one decides to get married. With all that I’ve discussed in mind, one will

find that marriage can be better than singleness in terms of overall health and happiness, but one

is much better off single than in an unhealthy relationship. This idea is further addressed by

McKenzie who discusses how unhealthy romantic relationships affect the people in them. She

argues that it’s healthier to be single when the relationship at hand is abusive, toxic, or

manipulative. My research has shown that it’s more acceptable in the U.S. to be divorced or in an

unhealthy relationship than it is to be single, which is absolutely absurd. Appeasing our society’s

expectations is not worth losing oneself in the process.

Loneliness

The reason that many people avoid being single is to avoid loneliness. There’s no use in

denying that being single is lonely. Riese (2022) shares that singleness may not be a curse, but it

can be an isolating and discouraging time. Yet, Kolton (n.d.) suggests ways to own and confront

this feeling. She believes that loneliness is a feeling we’re too used to pushing off. Kolton

suggests that being single, and therefore lonely, allows one to strengthen “the most important

relationship you have,” which she states is the relationship we have with ourselves (n.d., para.

53). Through deepening our relationship with ourselves and building comfort in loneliness, one

will find unexplainable growth and satisfaction.

Our Need For Platonic Love

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In a society that prioritizes romantic relationships over all other relationships, the

importance of friends, family, and mentors is greatly underappreciated. Tran (2021) says that this

idea leads us to discount the value found in non-romantic relationships and the love we can

experience through them. Although, change is on its way. Cohen states, “The coronavirus

pandemic, by underscoring human vulnerability and interdependence, has inspired people to

imagine networks of care beyond the nuclear family.” (para. 39). Cohen describes that the

pandemic changed how we view love and the importance of people beyond our significant

others. One can only hope that this change doesn’t fade away and we continue to see the value of

relationships outside the romantic landscape, for singles and couples alike.

Single, but Not Alone

There’s a very important distinction between being single and being alone, which often

goes unnoticed. DePaulo and Morris state that “although singles do not have a sexual

partnership, they often do have close and enduring relationships, as well as opportunities to

exercise competence and autonomy.” (2005, p. 78). This statistic proves that single people are

not alone, in fact, the opposite is true. Regardless of relationship status, one must recognize that

no one has to be alone and that there is indescribable value in platonic love that can fulfill us in

ways that we only imagined a significant other could.

Conclusion

The single life is not an unhappy one, but a fulfilling and happy lifestyle that is constantly

undermined.​​The image of love that society holds up as the standard is rare and unrealistic, and

one shouldn’t inappropriately equate their self-worth with their relationship status. The truth of

the matter is, there are so many more important relationships in our lives other than romantic

ones. We must learn to appreciate the meaning people we aren’t romantically involved with can
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bring to our lives. Experts seem to agree that regardless of relationship status, people are crucial

to our well-being and that relationship health–instead of relationship status–is what dictates a

happy life. This issue is important to me because it’s quite likely that I will spend my life single

and I’ve already faced a lot of pressure because of that decision. This issue is also important in

our country as the divorce rate continues to rise and people are marrying later. Many are

questioning if being single is as bad as they’ve been taught, and there’s freedom in knowing that

happiness doesn’t have to be found through a romantic partner. Therefore, those who are

questioning their need for romantic love or stepping into a moment–or even a life–of singleness

have a vested interest in this issue.

Further Inquiry

I would’ve loved to find more information on how relationships have changed in the past

10 years. My most recent scholarly resource was from 2010, which is relatively new, but

romantic relationships in the U.S. have changed so much since then. Along with gay marriage

being legalized in 2014, polyamory and asexuality have gained more visibility and many couples

aren’t monogamous, two-person couples anymore. As I previously mentioned, people are getting

married later and divorcing more. I wonder how these drastic changes to the romantic landscape

of the U.S. have changed Americans’ views of love and relationships. I also wonder what the

future of singleness will be. Will singles continue to be shamed or will singleness, much like

marriage, become the standard?

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References

Cohen, R. (2020, October 20). What if friendship, not marriage was the center of life? The

Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-ov

er-romance/616779/

DePaulo, B. M., & Morris, W. L. (2005). Singles in society and in science. Psychological

Inquiry, 16(2/3), 57–83. http://www.jstor.org/stable/20447266

Gallagher, M. (Autumn 2000). Why marriage is good for you. City Journal.

https://www.city-journal.org/html/why-marriage-good-you-12002.html

Hull, K. E., Meier, A., & Ortyl, T. (2010). The changing landscape of love and marriage.

Contexts (Berkeley, Calif.), 9(2), 32–37. https://doi.org/10.1525/ctx.2010.9.2.32

Kolton, A. (n.d.). There’s nothing wrong with being single: releasing the shame and stigma.

Tiny Buddha.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/nothing-wrong-with-being-single-release-shame-stigma/#co

mment-3726521851

McKenzie, A. (2020, February 18). A bad relationship isn’t better than no relationship. The

Meadows.

https://www.themeadows.com/blog/a-bad-relationship-isnt-better-than-no-relationship/

Riese, E. (2022, October 27). What I wish the church knew about singles. Relavent Magazine.

https://relevantmagazine.com/life5/what-i-wish-the-church-knew-about-singles/

Sovec, J. (2016, February 12). 5 reasons it’s good to be gay and single. GoodTherapy.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/5-reasons-its-good-to-be-gay-and-single-0212164

Tran, R. (2021, February 14). Media romances skew real-world relationship standards. The
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Guardian.

https://ucsdguardian.org/43549/opinion/media-romances-skew-real-world-relationship-st

andards/