Women's Anger and Feminist Therapy

Author(s): Karen Mueller and Margie Whittaker Leidig

Source: Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies , Winter, 1976, Vol. 1, No. 3 (Winter,
1976), pp. 23-30
Published by: University of Nebraska Press

Stable URL: https://www.jstor.org/stable/3346165

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 WOMEN'S ANGER AND FEMINIST THERAPY

Karen Mueller
Margie Whittaker Leidig

Introduction

Women's anger is of crucial interest to feminist therapy for

several reasons. First and most important, it exists and it is
huge. Second, most people, including women who are beginning to
experience their own anger, are very threatened by it. In terms of
therapeutic strategy, it is important to remember that many women
clients live with other people, who are likely to fear their anger,
and who will work against the efforts of the therapist. For the
client herself, an atmosphere of permission and safety for exploring
this anger is very important. Third, anger provides a source of
constructive energy which can be extremely useful to women who are
trying to change themselves and/or their life situations. A depress-
ed or apathetic client has, by the nature of her depression or
apathy, very little energy available to change. An angry client
who is not totally panicked by the extent of her anger can use it
as a source of strength.
The trap into which we therapists must not fall is that of be-
lieving our work is completed once we have helped our clients realize
the depth of their anger. We also have an obligation to provide
help in working through the rage and gaining control of some of the
factors that feed it. As a long-term state, rage is difficult to
live with and unpleasant to feel. It is also often counterproductive;
that is, it produces effects opposite to those desired.

Attitude of the Women's Movement Towards Anger

The Women's Movement as a whole, both in its literature and

Karen Mueller received an M.A. in Social Work from the Univer-

sity of Michigan. She is currently employed by the Boulder County
Mental Health Center as an outpatient therapist and consultant to
the Boulder Rape Crisis Team. She is interested in the implications
of feminism for therapeutic changes and in constructive uses of
anger.
Margie Whittaker Leidig received a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
from the University of Colorado in July of this year; her disserta-
tion compares feminists and anti-feminists in Boulder. She is a
Visiting Lecturer at the University of Colorado, and has a private
practice in feminist therapy.

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Mueller/Leidig

its support groups, encourages the expression of women's anger. The

underlying message of a majority of its articles, research, and
stories is to encourage women to become aware of what has been done
to women by institutions, ceremonies, patterns of thinking, and the
domination of men, in general. The effect of this literature, as
well as the direct effect of most consciousness-raising (C-R) groups
is to produce anger in women because they realize the immensity of
the conditioning system, its subtlety, and the universality of
women's experiences in this system.

Why Women are Afraid to Express Anger Directly

We think that there are three major reasons why women have not
expressed anger directly. Probably the most important and pervasive
is the conditioning that women receive thrdughout their lives. This
conditioning subtly teaches women to "be nice," "be sweet," and
above all "don't be angry." These messages are obvious in our child-
ren's school texts, television messages, and in the role modeling we
all received when we were young girls.
Secondly, because women have traditionally been economically
dependent on men,1 expressing anger at the person who represents our
support poses a risk for many women. This person can be a husband,
on whom a woman is economically dependent; a father, on whom she was
dependent as a child; or a boss, on whom she may be dependent for
her continued salary.
Traditionally, one of the strongest reasons women have been
afraid to express anger directly, especially to men, is that we fear
men physically. Because men are usually taller and stronger, we are
vulnerable to assaults, rapes, physical beatings, or the threat of
them. The male response to a female who "gets out of line" can be
a definite physical threat and a strong message not to express anger.2

Sources of Anger

Two of the factors noted above are also important here. These
two factors are fear of physical reprisal and economic dependence
on men. The fear that women have of men's strength also can be a
source of anger at times. A good example would be the feeling of
anger at having to limit hitchhiking because of the fear of rape.
Further, feeling economically dependent also can engender anger.
Another major source of anger in women is the manner in which
most women are treated by most men. We call these "social put-downs,"
"objectification," and "infantilization." Most women can "get in
touch with" anger caused by these sources very quickly. Examples
of the above are the following: adult women addressed as "baby,"
"chick," "girl"; having to yell and pound the table in an office
meeting to get the attention of the predominately male group; "don't
you worry your little head about X--I know best" from an otherwise
incompetent male. Lengthy lists with some very subtle examples of
this source of anger easily can be generated. Expressed anger in
response to this type of put-down, however, does leave women open

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 Mueller/Leidig

to accusations of "taking things too seriously" and may threaten

the survival of certain personal relationships.

Traditional Ways of Expressing Anger

Almost all of the ways in which women traditionally have ex-

pressed their anger fall under the heading of "indirect anger":
pouting, whining, temper tantrums, manipulative attempts, "back-
biting," gossip, sarcasm, and anger at other women. Getting angry
at "the other woman," rather than at the man to whom you are at-
tached is common. Even more indirect are tactics such as use of
guilt as a control device, development of very firm control of "her"
sphere (cooking, for example), or self-blame.
As mental health professionals, we often see women who cannot
express anger at all. Frequently, the symptomology includes mi-
graines or other incapacitating psychophysiologic reactions, suicide
attempts as a means of expressing anger, depression as a result of
chronic self-blame, and child abuse (which often occurs in a situa-
tion where wife-beating or abandonment is a constant threat). In
general, these tactics do not improve the woman's situation very
much. Some of them cause a deterioration of her overall life situ-
ation and often lead directly to referrals to mental health centers
and/or hospitals. All of these attempts must be viewed as attempts
to express her anger and cope with her lack of power to directly
change her situation.

Feminist Therapy and Anger

As feminist therapists, we see anger and the appropriate ex-

pression of it as an essential part of the process of the general
liberation of women and of the growth of individual clients as human
beings. The therapist, who herself is a feminist, has "gotten in
touch with" her own feelings of anger and rage. She recognizes
anger as a legitimate response to socio-cultural conditions. She
is able to encourage the exploration of this area in her clients,
and is not afraid of this anger. The therapist's goals include
helping her client to:
1. Recognize her anger
2. Realize that there are valid external reasons for it
3. Identify the source of her anger and the specific aspect
that makes her angry
4. Validate her expression of anger and gain power over some
of the areas of her life about which she feels angry (this
help includes challenging the myth that gaining power is
"unfeminine")
5. '"Mellow out" after she has faced her rage.

General Stages of Anger and Resolution - I

There are stages of anger. At first, there is no realization

of anger at all. The woman expresses her feelings indirectly,

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Mueller/Leidig

turning them inward, or denying them in other ways. Later, she

starts to see things around her that make her angry. Typically,
she begins with personal examples and later learns to relate them
to the universality of women's experiences.
The woman may note the infantilization of women in TV commer-
cials or the fact that women in commercials are portrayed only as
housewives whose main goal in life is to have sparkling floors.
She asks you if you have ever noticed these ads on TV.
The client may see a male get a promotion that she should have
had, and carefully express "irritation." She begins resenting some
aspects of the division of labor in her own household: she has to
ask for permission from her husband before she can go out; when she
takes care of the kids it is her job, but when her husband does,
he's "baby-sitting."
A consciousness of exploitation starts breaking through. This
awareness is manifested by small outbreaks of anger and statements
like "it isn't fair that. . . ." But the woman learns that saying
"it isn't fair that. . ." doesn't cause much change. She then be-
gins exploding in earnest at close males--usually husbands or boy-
friends.
Rage generalizes to all men. She starts to see sexism in
everything and this feeling exacerbates her anger. In addition,
memories of past injustices and hurts add fuel to this rage. This
time is the most difficult for the client and for persons close to
her. It is here that she becomes most strident, shrill, and dif-
ficult.
The client fears offending people or losing a husband or
lover. This fear sometimes results in a return to "safer" ways of
dealing with anger--denying it, expressing it indirectly again, or
turning it inward. Incidentally, a potential feminist may decide
at this point that the Women's Movement has nothing to offer; she
may turn to an anti-feminist group such as Fascinating Womanhood.
It is helpful, therapeutically, now to teach the woman to
negotiate directly with persons close to her so that she may in-
crease her safety and remain in therapy. The therapist should
encourage her to vent rage where it is safe (in the therapist's
office) and "measure it out" in other situations.
It has been suggested that as a client learns to express her
anger and develops her ability to negotiate, she will gain a new
sense of self-worth and personal power.3 At this point, it is pos-
sible to help a client face and deal realistically with some of her
fears concerning economic dependence or physical abuse.
During the process, anger also turns inward toward the self in
the form of guilt. She wonders why and how she "let" this exploita-
tion occur. Knowledge of the oppression and discrimination that
occurs against women as well as how this process continues, is
critical for the therapist. She then can prevent her client from
heaping all the blame on herself. The client begins to be firm,
insisting that others relate to her as an adult with certain skills,
aptitudes, and responsibilities. "Mellowing phases" develop. The
feminist therapist can further encourage social action involvement

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 Mueller/Leidig

(volunteering at a women's center or setting up rape crisis ser-

vices), sharing experiences and feelings with other women, and in
general, expressing anger in a "clean," spontaneous manner. If
consistent with the ideology of the therapist, self-disclosures
regarding the therapist's own rage resolution can be helpful to the
client.
Proceeding through the stages of anger and "mellowing out" may
not be a one-time process. A woman may have progressed effectively
through all the stages and may feel that she has learned to handle
her anger very well. Yet when she hears about a rape of a close
woman friend, reads a book such as Against Our Will, becomes the
butt of a sexist joke, or has an especially oppressive contact with
the medical establishment, she finds anger welling up all over again.
We hope, by this time, she will have learned not to be afraid of it.
As a result of feminist therapy, she will have increased skills to
cope with the situation.

Stages of Anger and Resolution - II

A second pattern of anger can be observed in women who have

experienced a traumatic event (rape or abandonment, for example) or
a series of traumatic events (abuse or beatings). Not only do these
events involve threats to her physical well-being, but also to her
economic status. In these cases, the stages of anger can be described
as shock, denial, guilt, anger, and resolution.
Shock is the stage immediately after the event. A woman may be
either very calm and detached or very verbal and/or "hysterical."
The reaction depends on her personal style and circumstances. She
often will have immediate survival needs which demand some form of
prompt attention. She may need medical care or emergency financial
assistance. In order to mobilize her resources to deal with the
external survival needs, she temporarily postpones dealing with the
emotional trauma. In some instances, denial is so strong that she
pretends the event did not occur. For example, in the case of
abandonment she firmly believes that "he will be back." Or, in the
case of rape by a friend or relative, she may prefer to believe it
was all a dream or it "really wasn't rape." That is, as she looks
back on it, she thinks she may have been willing "unconsciously,"
since she has had rape fantasies and has on some occasions been
friendly and/or flirtatious with her assailant. As the woman begins
to think about the event, and believes that she brought it on her-
self, she internalizes all of the responsibility for it. If she
hasn't done so earlier, she will now begin to restrict her own be-
havior so that this will never happen again. There is an obvious
element of magical thinking here. "If I am good, nobody will hurt
me." Her own responsibility for the event is noted. She may have
placed herself in jeopardy by her actions. Moreover, she often
believes that her actions completely accounted for the event. This
belief suggests that she can prevent herself from ever being hurt
again. Therefore, this belief (of her own accountability) can

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Mueller/Leidig

prevent an immobilizing panic which would occur if she thought that

all the responsibility were externalized.
As the process continues, she is able to externalize the respon-
sibility while still feeling some control over the situation. Initial
feelings of "it isn't fair that. .. ." lead directly into the later
stages of the previously described form of anger and resolution. The
fear of offending others, however, is often not a major brake on her
anger since she now begins to see herself as a "victim" with a "right"
to her anger.
Resolution involves recognition on her part that she is in part
a victim of external reality, but that she does have some internal
control over the events. Therapeutic strategy at this point includes:
1. Increasing her skills for controlling her own life.
2. Reminding her that, although there is no ultimate insurance
against being victimized, she can and has survived this exper-
ience. She has improved her skills in dealing with it.
3. Reminding her that she need not be a "victim" all her life,
that she need not define her life in terms of a victim role.
She may need first to imagine not being a "victim" for some
time before she is ready to give it up.
As we noted previously, this may not be a one-time process.
She may have progressed through all of the stages to anger and even-
tual resolution, only to find it welling up again, elicited by any
number of events. We hope that as a result of sensitive and careful
therap , she will have increased skills to handle the recurring
anger.

Differing Strategies for Differing Anger-Producing Situations

We will assume, for the purposes of this discussion, that there

are four general situations that produce anger. Each situation
suggests differing strategies to deal with it. The four situations
involve interpersonal relationships, institutional discrimination,
physical threat, and being a random target for someone's irritation/
aggression.
For interpersonal relations, assertiveness training offers a
good overall approach. Because so much material already is avail-
able about assertiveness training, we will not describe these tech-
niques here. Assertiveness training is designed for face-to-face
situations. It has as its goals teaching clients to effectively
state their needs, preferences, and feelings clearly and firmly.
These techniques assume that it is possible to arrange a face-to-
face conversation, that the other party is able to respond positively
to the assertion, and that the way in which the statement is made
affects the other party's response to the content of the statement.
Institutional discrimination calls for social action strategies
since assertive behavior with specific individuals probably will not
be effective in this case. It might even make unnecessary enemies
as in the case of forcefully discussing with a minor bank official
why the bank will not extend credit to a woman without the co-

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 Mueller/Leidig

signature of husband or father. Checking with local women's polit-

ical action groups or the appropriate state or federal Civil Rights
Commission is more likely to get the policy changed.
In working with physical threat situations which include rape,
beating, and other forms of assult, several strategies are likely
to help. Among these are increased verbal assertiveness, and ability
to escape the situation if necessary. The therapist may suggest to
a woman subject to wife-beating, that she make arrangements so that
she can leave or get help quickly when it becomes necessary. She
may learn some form of martial art (karate or judo), and accept the
fact that she cannot foresee every possible contingency, nor should
she try to do so. For women who have been raped or assaulted, tech-
niques used in therapy have been described above.
Being the target of random irritation is probably the simplest
situation with which to deal. Both women and men are targets for
this kind of behavior. However, because people tend to take out
their frustrations on subordinates, and women are often subordinate
to men in our social system, women are more often the targets of this
sort of random irritation/aggression. Examples of this type of
occurrence are: being cut off sharply by another driver during rush
hour, receiving poor service from a new worker in a business estab-
lishment, or being the next person to encounter someone who has just
been severely and unfairly reprimanded by a superior. In all cases,
it is likely that one will feel a certain amount of anger in response
to being the recipient of random irritation or inefficiency. It is
also likely that an aggressive response will not improve the situa-
tion. Displacing the aggression to another random target is an un-
desirable option. Learning how to "let go" of this type of anger
seems helpful. Ways of "letting go" might include channeling the
irritation into productive activities, such as building something
that requires a lot of hammering, or learning meditation. The client
may find physical release--jogging, using a punching bag, or just
screaming in the privacy of her home. Relaxing exercises, like deep
breathing or some form of isometric muscle tension relaxation, may
be done on the spot in any situation. Fantasy, imagining an aggres-
sor stark naked doing something ridiculous, is also a way of "letting
go."
A more complete description of this way of learning to respond
may be found in Laura Huxley's book, You Are Not the Target.6 Once
this concept is grasped, many people can come up with ideas for
activity that would help them release irritation without passing it
on. Obviously, these strategies are most useful if a woman has set
certain priorities for herself, if she knows which issues she will
confront and which ones she must allow to pass without direct action
because of her own limited energy.
We have chosen to discuss the implications of women's anger
for feminist therapy because this anger has been shown to be related
to the life situations of most women. Reasons why women are afraid
to express anger directly, sources of anger, and traditional ways
in which women have expressed their anger have been noted. We have

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Mueller/Leidig

detailed the general stages of anger and we have offered some sug-
gestions for the resolution of anger. Finally, we have offered
suggestions for helping women learn to become more effective and
powerful in dealing with situations which produce the overwhelming
anger experienced by many women as they begin taking stock of their
lives.

NOTES

This paper grew out of discussion in our Boulder Feminist Study

Group. We wish to thank the following women for their suggestions
and encouragement: Shirley Asher, Kay Baker, Louise Bickman, Susan
Dickes Hubbard, Prudy Marshall, Judy Meyers, Cory Sapin, Donna Smith.

1Juliet Mitchell, Women's Estate (New York: Vintage Books,

1971) and Marlene Dixon, "Why Women's Liberation?" in Female Liber-
ation, ed. Roberta Salper (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1972).
2
Susan Brownmiller, Against Our Will: Men, Women & Rape (New
York: Simon and Schuster, 1975) and Shulamith Firestone, The Dia-
lectic of Sex: The Case for Feminist Revolution (New York: Bantam
Books, 1970).

3Susi Kaplow, "Getting Angry," in Radical Feminism, ed. A.

Koedt, E. Levine, and A. Rapone (New York: Quadrangle Books, 1973).

Sandra Sutherland and Donald Scherl, "Patterns of Response

among Victims of Rape," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 40
(1970), 503-11.
5
See for example: Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons,
Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior (San Luis Obispo,
California: Impact Books, 1970); Lynn Z. Bloom, Karen Coburn, and
Joan Perlman, The New Assertive Woman (New York: Delacorte Press,
1975); and Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin, The Assertive Woman (San
Luis Obispo, California: Impact Books, 1975).

6Laura Huxley, You Are Not the Target (New York: Farrar,
Strauss and Giroux, 1963).

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