BETTER BEYOND DIVORCE

Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men

The emotional stages that I see my clients move through during and after divorce
closely parallel the stages of grief.

This isn’t surprising, given that divorce is inherently a loss, and for many men it is an
unexpected and deeply undesired loss. It’s not uncommon to hear clients describe their
divorce in terms of that loss, saying things like, “It feels like she died” or even “it would
have been easier if she had died”. The fact that this loss is something your partner
chose makes the grief even more intense.

That choice also impacts the stages of grief by fueling resentment, confusion and a
deep sense of betrayal. This document lists 9 Emotional Stages that I commonly see
men experiencing during and after divorce.

For each stage I’ll show you how to identify it and what, specifically, you can do
within that stage to avoid getting stuck and to facilitate healing.

These stages are NOT linear. You may find that you move quickly from one to another
and back again, or get stuck in one place for a while, struggling to move past it. There is
no “right” way to move through these stages. Frankly, you should expect to revisit each
of them at various times. You’ll reach a feeling of acceptance and hope and then next
Christmas something will come up that brings back a powerful memory and you’ll find
yourself deep in guilt and regret. That’s okay. That’s why you have these tools from
coaching that I’m about to share with you.

The ultimate goal is not to avoid ever feeling painful emotions around your divorce
again. The goal is to be confident and clear about how to deal with those emotions, so
that they don’t derail you from the future you’re actively creating for yourself.
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The 9 Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men

These are the non-linear emotional stages that I commonly see my clients experiencing
during and after divorce. In the pages that follow I’ll explain how to recognize each stage
and what, specifically, you can do in that stage to continue healing and moving forwards.

Shock

Denial

Guilt & Regret

Anger & Resentment

Bargaining

Depression

Sorrow

Testing

Acceptance & Hope

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Emotional Stage: Shock

Shock is the initial blow of receiving the news. The emotional shock can leave you feeling
nothing at all, as your brain struggles to process the information and protect you from the
painful emotions that it brings up. This can feel like an out of body experience, as though
you’re watching the events in your life happen to someone else.

You know you’re in the shock stage if…

- You feel paralyzed or numb.

- Your primary emotion is confusion.
- You feel disconnected from your body.
- You struggle to process the news of the divorce, because it simply doesn’t feel
real to you.

What to do in the Shock Stage:

Be gentle with yourself in this stage. Your brain is trying to protect you from the full
awareness of something very painful. Help it out by seeking support from others and by
creating a sense of safety in the present moment.

● Connect to other people. Reach out and ask for support, spend time with loved
ones or friends. Human contact and connection will help your brain feel safe
enough to allow you to process the news.

● Ground yourself in the present moment with the awareness that, right here, right
now, you are okay. You have enough to eat. You are warm. You are safe. In shock
your brain is going into survival mode. Consciously reminding yourself that you’re
okay, here and now, will help calm the survival instincts.

● Breathe. Deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth
will calm your nervous system, helping you move out of the shock response.
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Stage: Denial
In denial your brain is attempting to avoid the pain of your loss.

You know you’re in the denial stage if…

- Your wife has filed and you still haven’t spoken to a lawyer yet.
- You’re still “playing husband”, fixing things for her or jumping to help her (I’ve
even seen men who physically help their wives move out of the house and into an
apartment with the new boyfriend)
- You just can’t believe this is happening.
- You find yourself minimizing the seriousness of the situation to your friends,
“Yeah, she filed… but she’ll come around. She’s not really going to go through with
this.”

What to do in the Denial Stage:

Recognition is key here. Denial can be relatively harmless… but it can also have dramatic
consequences if it keeps you from seeking legal counsel or prevents you from moving
forwards with your own life.

● Talk to a lawyer. You don’t have to hire one yet, but you do need to get some
information. Schedule a consultation with at least 2 different family law attorneys
(many offer free consultations) and come prepared with a list of questions.

● Confront your fears. Ask yourself this question: What am I afraid I’ll feel if I
accept that this is really happening? Denial is an attempt to protect yourself from
emotional pain. Confronting the fear of emotional pain head on can help you
recognize what is happening.

● Write out the potential negative consequences of not acknowledging the

situation. In denial you just don’t really believe it… that’s okay. Even if you don’t
believe it, you can still sit down and analyze the situation. IF it’s real, IF the
divorce is really happening, what might happen if you don’t acknowledge it.

● Talk to others. Discuss your situation with a trusted friend, family member or
mental health practitioner (a pastor, rabbi or workplace counselor can be a great
support here too). Honestly look for outside perspectives and clarity.
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Stage: Guilt & Regret

It’s easy to get stuck here, unable to forgive yourself or let go of the past. This stage can
quickly lead to a loss of self confidence and self esteem.

You know you’re in the Guilt & Regret Stage if…

- You constantly replay scenes from your marriage and divorce in your mind.
- Your inner critic is active throughout the day.
- Your friends and family are tired of hearing you talk about what went wrong.
- Your thoughts about yourself are strongly negative.
- You find yourself thinking, “What if…” on repeat.

What to do in the Guilt & Regret Stage:

It is important to work through guilt and move past regret to avoid suffering long term
impacts of self doubt that can affect all aspects of your life. Therapy or coaching are
often important resources at this stage, as guilt can be self-sabotaging, making it hard to
work through or see clearly on your own.

● Acknowledge your mistakes. You may want to do this in a journal or working with
a coach or therapist. Acknowledge your mistakes and set the intention to change
those habits, behaviors and reactions in the future.

● Pay attention to what guilt does. Spend at least a week tracking the impacts of
your guilty and regretful thoughts. When you think that way, how do you feel?
What do you do or not do? Often we think guilt is going to make us a better
person… check that belief. Does it? You may also think you “deserve” to feel guilt.
How does that self-punishment impact others, like your children or family
members?

● Process your grief. Guilt can actually be a way of coping with grief. Your brain
stays in the fantasy of “what if” or “if only” to avoid confronting what is. Process
your grief physically, in your body, to move through it.

● Ally your inner critic. Explore the motivations of your inner critic. What positive
thing does it want for you? How can you get that critical part of you on board with
more effective ways of achieving those goals?
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Stage: Anger & Resentment

Anger is a reaction to the loss of control that goes along with divorce. This stage can
actually be a powerful tool to help you move past guilt or depression. The key is learning
to use your anger as a resource and not let yourself get trapped in resentment.

You know you’re in the Anger & Resentment Stage if…

- You are easily triggered into anger.

- You can’t see or interact with your ex wife without an argument starting.
- You get caught in a thought spiral about how unfair/cruel she’s been.
- You feel angry all the time.
- You don’t trust other women.
- It feels like the whole world is against you, not just your ex wife.

What to do in the Anger & Resentment Stage:

Anger can be a resource. Resentment is “like drinking poison and expecting the other
person to die”.

● Separate the resource from the obstacle. Make two lists. First, record all the
ways that your angry feelings are helping you right now. In the second, record all
the ways anger or resentment is holding you back, stealing your time or keeping
you stuck.

● Adjust the dial on your anger. Instead of trying to tamp it down or get rid of it, try
adjusting the volume of your anger instead. If there is a dial in your brain for
anger, how much do you need to turn it down to get rid of the negative impacts
without sacrificing the positive ones? Mentally turn it to that setting.

● Repeat once a month (or more often). When anger is a resource it is a temporary
tool. As you process your emotions and work towards acceptance, you won’t
need anger to boost you out of depression or keep you from sleeping with your
ex. So check in regularly, and honestly evaluate if that anger is still a resource or
if it is becoming an obstacle.

● Acknowledge your fears. Resentment serves a purpose, and usually that purpose
is self-protection. If you let go of that resentment, what are you afraid that you
would have to think or feel?
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Stage: Bargaining
Bargaining is an attempt to regain control.

You know you’re in the Bargaining Stage if…

- You appeal to a higher power to bring your wife back.

- You attempt (in reality or in your imagination) to make agreements with your ex
about what would be necessary to get back together.
- You devote yourself to exercise or self improvement with fervor.
- You make deals with yourself about the future “I’ll never love again”.

What to do in the bargaining Stage:

The actions of bargaining aren't inherently bad. In fact, faith in a higher power or a
commitment to self improvement can serve you in meaningful ways. However, those
same things can also stop you from accepting reality and moving forward with your life.

● Acknowledge the things you can’t control. Talk about it with a therapist, coach or
mentor. Accepting what we can’t control is uncomfortable and difficult.
Acknowledge how you feel about it, and how hard it is. Any resistance that
comes up needs to be heard and worked through.

● Focus on what you can control. Make a list of things that you can control, from
small daily tasks to learning to process and manage your own thoughts, feelings
and actions.

● Question the concept of acceptance. Bargaining is an attempt to control what

you cannot control instead of accepting the reality of what is. If you’re bargaining,
part of you is resistant to acceptance. Explore that. What are you afraid of? What
do you lose if you accept what you cannot control? What might you gain?
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Stage: Depression
Depression often follows the failure of bargaining. When you realize you cannot control
the situation, you feel trapped. Feeling trapped leads to despair, depression and
hopelessness.

You know you’re in the Depression Stage if…

- You feel empty or numb.
- You withdraw from social contact and isolate yourself.
- You struggle to get out of bed or to see the point of doing much of anything.
- The future looks dark, blank or empty.
- Your body feels heavy and slow.

What to do in the Depression Stage:

This is another place, like resentment, where people often get stuck. Depression is
inherently unmotivating, so finding the energy to work through it can be challenging.

● Let it out. Don’t keep your feelings inside. Let out your frustration, your despair…
everything you feel. Write it down. Share it with a coach or therapist.

● Put it in perspective. Thoughts are sentences and images in your brain. Feelings
are physical sensations in your body. In depression our thoughts and feelings can
seem overwhelming. Remind yourself that what you’re actually dealing with are
just sentences, images and physical sensations. You can do this.

● Connect. It’s easy to isolate yourself when you feel depressed. Don’t. Reach out
to friends and family. Ask for support. Tell them what’s going on. Ask them to
reach out to you.

● Exercise. Exercise has consistently been shown to relieve symptoms of

depression. Move. Get your endorphins pumping.

● Use Anger. Remember how I said anger can be a resource? It is often a powerful
way to move out of the helplessness of depression. Just remember, anger is a
stepping stone, not a destination.

● Work in smaller bites. Focus on smaller chunks. One moment at a time. One
emotion at a time. One thought at a time. One task at a time.
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Stage: Sorrow
Interestingly this isn’t typically listed as a stage of grief. Yet I find that working through the
strong emotions of sadness are an essential part of healing for my clients.

You know you’re in the Sorrow Stage if…

- You cry. A little, a lot. More than you ever have before.
- Small things trigger tears or overwhelming sadness, like watching a movie or
walking down a familiar street.
- You feel pain in your chest when you think of your ex.

What to do in the Sorrow Stage:

Sorrow needs to be let out. It can’t be stifled, tamped down or ignored.

● Allow your sadness. Let yourself cry. Even if it feels dramatic or scary. Allow your
nervous system to discharge the energy of your sorrow.

● Avoid feeding your sadness. Letting emotions out through your physical body is
an effective way to process and heal grief. However, it can be easy to “feed”
sorrow with ruminating thoughts. Focus on the physical sensations of sadness,
not on the “why” behind it.

● Get support. Processing these intense emotions is much easier with support.
You may join a support group, see a coach or therapist or lean on a close friend.

● Educate yourself about emotions. Learn as much as you can about emotions in
the physical body and the ways that the human nervous system processes
emotions. Some good resources to start are “Waking the Tiger” by Peter Levine
and “Full Body Presence” by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana.

● Make time for joy. Often it is hard to let ourselves step away from grief. When
you are in sorrow it can feel “wrong” to laugh or enjoy small pleasures. Be
intentional about allowing yourself moments of happiness, whether that comes
from enjoying a beautiful sunset, eating your favorite food or listening to a good
song. It’s okay to set the sorrow aside for a moment.
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Stage: Testing
Testing isn’t an emotion… but it is an important emotional stage (and one of the classic 7
stages of grief). Testing is when you start trying out new ways of coping and managing
the loss and moving towards the future. It is characterized by emotions like curiosity,
determination and tentative hope.

You know you’re in the Testing Stage if…

- You’re experimenting with new hobbies or activities.

- You are thinking about or actively dating.
- You join a support group or coaching program.
- Your online research focuses on moving on instead of on what went wrong or
how to get her back.

What to do in the Testing Stage:

Embrace this stage. You’re testing the waters, trying out new ideas and basically opening
yourself up to the possibility that things could be different (better?) in the future.

● Intentionally foster curiosity. Curiosity is the antidote to both anger and

depression. In the testing stage you have accessed a little curiosity about what
might be possible. Intentionally grow that feeling with your thoughts and actions.

● Practice positive self talk. Don’t lie to yourself or tell yourself a bunch of positive
affirmations you don’t believe. Instead, be honest and kind to yourself. You’re
trying new things, taking new steps. Acknowledge what you’re doing and
encourage yourself just like you would encourage a friend or child.

● Don’t give up. As you experiment with new things, including dating, you’re going
to experience setbacks. That’s okay. It’s normal. Stay focused on your ultimate
goal.
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Stage: Acceptance & Hope

Accepting what is… and feeling hopeful for what is next.

You know you’re in the Acceptance & Hope Stage if…

- You think about or see your ex wife without her triggering negative emotions.
- You look back at the past and feel a sense of calm or peace.
- You feel optimistic about your future.
- You aren’t fully “over it” but you feel ready to move forwards.

What to do in the Acceptance & Hope Stage:

This is a time of fully integrating and coming to terms with what has happened so that
you can move forward with intention and optimism.

● Go slow and be gentle with yourself. There is no need to rush into anything. Give
yourself time to sit with the feelings of acceptance and really allow yourself to
feel how different that place is from the anger, denial, depression and sorrow
you’ve been feeling. Notice what it is really like to accept what is.

● Celebrate. Treat yourself. Celebrate arriving in a place of acceptance and hope.

Share it with friends or family.

● Stay focused and intentional. You’ve learned a lot going through these stages.
Stay focused on what you can control, and keep growing your awareness of your
own habits of thought and feeling. Watch for old patterns that might come up
again, and be intentional about managing your mind and showing up each day as
the person you want to be.

● Expect to revisit the other stages. You’ll likely find yourself in one of the other 8
stages in the future. Something will happen that triggers feelings of anger, sorrow
or depression. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you’re going backwards, it simply
means that you have another level of healing to do. Expect and embrace those
opportunities for growth.