Why do we love?

A philosophical inquiry
Skye C. Cleary
Ah, romantic love - beautiful and intoxicating, heartbreaking
and soul-crushing, often all at the same time. Why do we
choose to put ourselves through its emotional wringer? Does
love make our lives meaningful, or is it an escape from our
loneliness and suffering? Is love a disguise for our sexual
desire, or a trick of biology to make us procreate? Is it all we
need? Do we need it at all?
If romantic love has a purpose, neither science nor psychology
has discovered it yet. But over the course of history, some of our
most respected philosophers have put forward some intriguing
theories. Love makes us whole, again. The ancient Greek
philosopher Plato explored the idea that we love in order to
become complete. In his "Symposium", he wrote about a dinner
party, at which Aristophanes, a comic playwright, regales the
guests with the following story: humans were once creatures
with four arms, four legs, and two faces. One day, they angered
the gods, and Zeus sliced them all in two. Since then, every
person has been missing half of him or herself. Love is the
longing to find a soulmate who'll make us feel whole again, or,
at least, that's what Plato believed a drunken comedian would
say at a party.
Love tricks us into having babies. Much, much later, German
philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer maintained that love based
in sexual desire was a voluptuous illusion. He suggested that
we love because our desires lead us to believe that another
person will make us happy, but we are sorely mistaken. Nature
is tricking us into procreating, and the loving fusion we seek is
consummated in our children. When our sexual desires are
satisfied, we are thrown back into our tormented existences,
and we succeed only in maintaining the species and
perpetuating the cycle of human drudgery. Sounds like
somebody needs a hug. Love is escape from our loneliness.
According to the Nobel Prize-winning British philosopher
Bertrand Russell, we love in order to quench our physical and
psychological desires. Humans are designed to procreate, but
without the ecstasy of passionate love, sex is unsatisfying. Our
fear of the cold, cruel world tempts us to build hard shells to
protect and isolate ourselves.
Love's delight, intimacy, and warmth helps us overcome our
fear of the world, escape our lonely shells, and engage more
abundantly in life. Love enriches our whole being, making it the
best thing in life. Love is a misleading affliction.
Siddhārtha Gautama, who became known as the Buddha, or
the Enlightened One, probably would have had some
interesting arguments with Russell. Buddha proposed that we
love because we are trying to satisfy our base desires. Yet, our
passionate cravings are defects, and attachments, even
romantic love, are a great source of suffering. Luckily, Buddha
discovered the eight-fold path, a sort of program for
extinguishing the fires of desire so that we can reach Nirvana,
an enlightened state of peace, clarity, wisdom, and compassion.

The novelist Cao Xueqin illustrated this Buddhist sentiment

that romantic love is folly in one of China's greatest classical
novels, "Dream of the Red Chamber." In a subplot, Jia Rui falls
in love with Xi-feng who tricks and humiliates him. Conflicting
emotions of love and hate tear him apart, so a Taoist gives him
a magic mirror that can cure him as long as he doesn't look at
the front of it. But of course, he looks at the front of it. He sees
Xi-feng. His soul enters the mirror and he is dragged away in
iron chains to die.
Not all Buddhists think this way about romantic and erotic love,
but the moral of this story is that such attachments spell
tragedy, and should, along with magic mirrors, be avoided. Love
lets us reach beyond ourselves. Let's end on a slightly more
positive note.
The French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir proposed that love
is the desire to integrate with another and that it infuses our
lives with meaning. However, she was less concerned with why
we love and more interested in how we can love better. She saw
that the problem with traditional romantic love is it can be so
captivating, that we are tempted to make it our only reason for
being. Yet, dependence on another to justify our existence easily
leads to boredom and power games. To avoid this trap, Beauvoir
advised loving authentically, which is more like a great
friendship. Lovers support each other in discovering themselves,
reaching beyond themselves, and enriching their lives and the
world together. Though we might never know why we fall in
love, we can be certain that it will be an emotional rollercoaster
ride. It's scary and exhilarating. It makes us suffer and makes
us soar. Maybe we lose ourselves. Maybe we find ourselves. It
might be heartbreaking, or it might just be the best thing in life.
Will you dare to find out?

Vocabulary
heartbreaking comovente
soul alma
crushing esmagador
wringer espremedor
disguise disfarce
playwright dramaturgo
regales regalias
angered irritado
lead conduzir
sorely dolorosamente
mistaken enganado
drudgery trabalho penoso
quench apagar
warmth cordialidade
misleading errôneo
affliction aflição
Enlightened One Iluminado
cravings desejos
Nirvana Nirvana – auge de satisfação
wisdom sabedoria
folly loucura
Chamber Câmara
dragged arrastou
away longe
chains correntes
spell soletrar
Though No entanto
rollercoaster montanha russa
dare to ousar