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IS “CHURCH HURT” ACTUALLY

TRAUMA?
by Lance Hill | Cornerstone Staff

“Church Hurt” is a dark corner of the Christian-world that isn’t addressed

publicly too often, but so many of us have experienced pain in the context
of a local church. My wife and I have such a story.

Both of us grew up attending church services multiple times a week–the

summer BBQs, the children’s Sunday morning ministries, attending
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 church three times a week, we lived life at the local church. 

Nodding to our younger selves, we lived life at our local church as adults
as well. We became members of a thriving church that was growing in
size and influence. As we served and attended, all of our community and
friendships were formed at this dear place.

However, my wife and I found ourselves entering a new type of

relationship with the church in 2017. After experiencing a change in
leadership, we began to feel as if the new direction of the church was
becoming legalistic and focused on behavior modification. This caused
sleepless nights and long conversations about what we should do! As a
result, our passion for following God waned and our souls felt drained. 

This wasn’t how we typically felt leaving church services in the past. We
began to reckon with our frustrations and disappointments. We
questioned ourselves and our motivations extensively. “Maybe we’re just
being too hard on the leadership? Maybe we should leave? Is it even ok to
be asking ourselves these questions?” Etc. Etc. Etc…

When other friends shared our concerns (which was validating in its own
right), we decided to actively do something about it: leave our church
home. After making the very difficult and not-to-mention painful
decision, our church community began to raise accusations. 

“You’re taking the easy way out,” 

The words cut me like a knife. Whatever vague sense of clarity we had
recently gained was thrown again into question. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt
more hurt. Unfortunately, that message still weighs on me today and had
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 an enduring, negative influence in my life. 

Perhaps you’ve been through something like this yourself. Maybe you’re
reading this right now and feeling a familiar and confusing sting of pain. If
so, this blog is for you.

IS “CHURCH HURT” ACTUALLY TRAUMA? 

In the years since having left that church, I’ve found healing through Dr.
Siegel’s words: “name it to tame it.” With both my personal life and with
clients, I take the approach that if we can put a name to what happened,
then we can work towards healing. 

As a counselor myself, I’ve had to “name” what it was and not use
“acceptable” language in the Christian world. Some will call it “church
hurt.” Some will call it “spiritual abuse.” I encourage you to choose your
words carefully here.  Because I believe that in many of our experiences,
we’re talking about trauma.

For many of us, the word trauma evokes a strong response. Isn’t trauma
typically reserved for those who have experienced significant pain
through sexual abuse or some other type of undeniable misery (like
surviving 9/11 or living through a natural disaster)? Dr. Francine Shapiro
(the founder of EMDR) offers this clarifying remark: “Any event that has
had a lasting negative effect on the self or psyche is by its nature
‘traumatic.’”

IT’S IMPORTANT TO PROCESS EMOTIONS WHEN DEALING WITH CHURCH HURT:

Choosing to name my experience “trauma,” allowed me to  sit in the
necessity of acknowledging my enduring feelings about our exit. Some
 emotions have felt normal to accept (like confusion, guilt, or shame),
:
  while others have felt inappropriate or even wrong (like anger, rage, or
resentment).


Often, we place an unhelpful pressure on ourselves to arrive at

forgiveness 
sooner than we’re ready for it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I hope both you and I are able to experience
forgiveness in the fullest sense. However, we first need to acknowledge
and reckon with the anger, disenchantment, and shame that might
accompany a church-hurt related trauma. It’s in the owning of our
feelings that freedom can be possible.

Obviously, there’s much more to be said on this topic. For now, let’s recall
the wisdom from Richard Schwartz (founder of Internal Family Systems
— a favorite counseling approach from your friendly neighborhood
Cornerstone clinicians) in regards to our vulnerable pain: 

“We help [the vulnerable parts of ourselves] by witnessing the bad

things that happened and caused them to believe they were bad.” 

Schwartz says that recognizing that something bad happened to us

allows us to start moving from a space of shame to a place of feeling
loved, understood, and accepted. It is then that we can begin to marinate
in the freedom of loving and forgiving others.

If you’re reading this blog from a place of trying to understand your own
church-hurt, church trauma, or spiritual abuse, our team at Cornerstone
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 would be honored to come alongside you. Many of our team members list
“church hurt” as a speciality in their bios and have a passion for helping
people process their emotions and heal from a hard experience in the
church. I would encourage you to seek counseling (here or elsewhere) to
work through church hurt.

AUTHOR: LANCE HILL

Lance is one of our talented counselors who loves working with
individuals seeking freedom. He has a passion for working with those in
church leadership or processing church related traumas. 

If you’re interested in counseling with Lance or another one of our other

amazing counselors, click here to view our line-up.
:
 Read Lance's Bio

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