Disorganized Attachment Dynamics in Couples

Author(s): Barbara Kuerer Gangi

Source: Group, Vol. 30, No. 2, COUPLE THERAPY (MAY 2006), pp. 153-162
Published by: Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/41719119
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GROUP,Vol.30,No.2,May2006

Disorganized Attachment

Dynamics in Couples1

Barbara Kuerer Gangi2,3

Definedbydevelopmental researchers attachment

, disorganized orientationdescribes
theveryyoungchild'sanomalouscare-seeking reactionsto caregiversduringthe
episodesofseparationand reconciliation
stressful oftheseminalStrangeSituation
laboratory experiment. Infantcare seekerswithdisorganizedattachment are in
relationshipwith adult who
caregivers have unresolved
experienced trauma orlossor
behaveina frightening orfrightenedmanner. Follow-upstudiesofthese
child-parent
dyadsdemonstrate a relationaldiathesis. Informedbyattachment theoryresearch,
thisarticleintroduces theconceptofdisorganized attachment dynamics in theadult
coupleand concludes thata hostileorcontrollingand helpless
orsubmissive dynamic
functionstobothenactand defendthecouplefromunthinkable fear.
KEYWORDS:Attachment organization;adultattachmentinterview;
Strange Situation;
parent-infantattachmentresearchandadultcouples; attachment
disorganized dynamics.
From our firstminutesof life as infantswe engage in complex,two-way
communication betweenour rightbrainsand the rightbrainsof our intimate
(Schore,
caregivers 2000). We communicate, resonate,reactto, and mimicour
and
intimates, withour unique affective
involvement
and our caregiversunique
dynamics,we co-createthefirstcouplewe know(Siegel,1999).
1 Byinvitation,
a version
ofthisarticle
waspresented atthe2005SpringMeetingofDivision39,
American Association.
Psychological
2 Private
practice.Correspondenceshould be addressed toBarbaraKuererGangi,Ph.D.,168
West86thStreet, NewYork, NY10024-4022. Tel:(212)799-5596,
Fax:(212)579-6960.
E-mail:
BKGangiPhD@aol.com.
3 I wouldliketothank thefollowing
colleaguesfortheirencouragementandthoughtfulreview
ofpreviousversionsofthispaper:Cheryl D. Brown, L.C.S.W.,
TobyChuah, Ph.D.,Barbara
Feld,
L.C.S.W.,Mary JoanGerson, Elizabeth
Ph.D., Cramer, Barbara
L.C.S.W., Hollman,C.S.W.,
CharlesKnapp, BarbaraM. Kolenda,L.C.S.W.,Barbara Messer,
L.C.S.W.,
LynnPearl,Ph.D.,
BarbaraPichler, LeslieRosenthal,
L.C.S.W., Ph.D.,E. L. Schneider,
Ph.D.,Judith Ph.D.,
Siegel,
Arietta
Slade,Ph.D.,Patricia
Thackray, andRobert
L.C.S.W., Unger,Ph.D.
ISSN ©2006
0362-4021 Eastern
Group
Psychotherapy
Society
153

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154 GANGI

Watchingmanydifferent infantsas theystrugglethroughMaryAinsworths

seminalStrangeSituationlaboratoryexperiment (Ainsworth, Blehar,Waters,&
Wall,1978) and participating in "attachmentboot camp"studyingMaryMains
(1998)AdultAttachment InterviewinformsthewayI thinkabouthow a couple
and
gives,receives, seeks love. As such,thepatternsofattachment gleanedfrom
infant-parentattachment researchrepresent dyadicpatternsof intimacyat any
age.Thisarticlewillintroduce theconceptofdisorganized attachmentdynamics in
adultcouplesand concludethata hostileor controlling and helplessor submissive
dynamicfunctions to bothenactand defendthesecouplesfromunthinkable fear.
The disorganizedattachment a
dynamicis strategy of affect to
regulation manage
highlydisturbingfeelings launchedbythepotentialforannihilation perceivedby
one or bothpartners in thecouple.The articleofferscase vignettes
thatexemplify
withdisorganizedcoupledynamicsand presentssomeimplications
relationships
fortreatment,includingtheimportance ofusingcountertransference.

ORGANIZED AND DISORGANIZED DYADIC ATTACHMENT

Developmentalresearchers(Ainsworthet al., 1978; Fonagy,2001; Fonagy,

Gergely, Jurist,& Target,2002; Fonagy,Steele,Steele,Moran,& Higgitt,1991;
Main & Solomon,1990)videotapeda numberofinfantand adultparentdyadsin
theStrangeSituationlaboratory experiment. Studying thereunionexperiences of
stressed,temporarily separatedi-year-olds teachesus abouttheways we humans
seek,receive,and givecarein primary intimacy.
MaryAinsworthand her colleaguesdescribedfourattachment orientations
manifested inthewaysthatinfants reactwiththeircaregiverswhentheyarestressed
intheStrangeSituation. Therearethreeorganizedattachment orientations:secure,
avoidant,and ambivalent. The fourthis describedas thedisorganized attachment
orientation.
The infantwitha secureattachment orientationrespondsto separationwith
obviousdistress and activelyseeksand can acceptcomfort offeredbythecaregiver.
This infantis in relationshipwitha caregiverwho can toleratea rangeoffeelings
andhasa good reflective functionabouthisorherownearlyprimary attachments,
whetherthishistoryis constructive or troubled(Main,1998;Fonagyet al., 2002;
see table1).
The infantwith an anxious ambivalentattachmentorientationis highly
distressedwhenleftand is passiveresistant or angrily on reunionwith
protesting4
his caregiver.The childs cryingis so loud and persistent thatresearchers turn
thevolumedownwhenwatchingvideotapesof thesebabies.Inconsolable,they

4 Theterms andangrily
resistant
passive thetwosubtypes
describe
protesting ofchildren
with an
anxious
ambivalent
orientation andpassive
Boththeactive
toattachment. areresistant
subtypes
tocaretaker
comforting.

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 Attachment
Disorganized inCouples
Dynamics 155

Infant: attachment Parent:

Organized andattachment
Affect
orientation

Secure Comfortableknowing and Generally withchild's

comfortable
expressing Visibly
feelings. andownfeelings,
allowscomforting,
distressed;
thenexplores
settles, Providesgoodenoughattention
to
environmentwithcuriosity. child's
distress
signals.
theeffect
Appreciates ofownearly
on
family self.

Ambivalent Overattends
todistressing Inconsistently tochild,
responsive
affect.
Maybeoverwhelmed byown
Either orpassively
actively andchild's
feelings,
resists
comfortingwhileseeking
it;doesnotsettle.
Stayscloseto Preoccupied at,or
by,angry
parent. enmeshedwithownfamily oforigin.

Avoidant Underattends
toaffect. Uncomfortablewithchild's
orown
affect.
Maybecritical,
controlling,
Conceals inhibits
distress; orrejecting. task-oriented
Primarily
togaincomfort
attempts care parenting,
whenupset.
Idealizes
orderogates
ownparents;
diminishestheimpactofunfavorable
early
experiencesonhimself
or
herself.

table 1:Organized
Attachment
Orientations

are resistant
to comforting. This infantis in a relationship withan inconsistently
attentivecaregiverwho is preoccupied withher own early attachments.
In thethirdorganizedattachment orientation we findan infantwho makesno
fussaboutseparationand payslittleattention to theparenton reunion.However,
his physiologicalresponses,heartrate,and galvanicskin responsesbelie his
apparentindifferenceand indicateintensedistress.This childwithan avoidant
orientationto attachment is in a relationshipwitha critical,somewhatrejecting
caregiver who does not read her5childs cues particularly well and dismissesor
devaluestheimportofattachment figuresin herownearlylife.
Althoughformally infantile, ostensiblyunschooled,and notusingtheirsoon

5 Foreachmention
oftheinfant
as"he"andtheparent
as "she,"
thereader
mayreadthegender
neutral.

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156 GANGI

to be developedcognitivepowers,infantstaketheiri-year-oldexperience-based
knowledgeofloveand puttheirproceduralknowledgeintopractice.
Mostinfants, roughly90%, havean organizedwayofdealingwiththehighly
stressfulStrangeSituationlaboratoryexperiment. The care-seeking attachment
strategiesof the remaining 10% are more anomalous. It can be heartbreaking to
watchthe distressing care-seeking strategiesof i-year-oldswitha disorganized
orientation to attachment during the reunion episodesof the StrangeSituation
laboratory experiment. Fear, dissociation,despair,emotionalparalysis, or extreme
withdrawalare clearlypresentin the babies witha disorganizedorientation to
attachment.
Mostparentsofinfants withdisorganizedattachment areeitherfrightened or
frightening withtheirchildren. Some ofthe are
parents overtly hostileto theinfant,
makingharsh,unpredictable, and sometimesviolentmovementsin the childs
direction.Otherparentsarefrightened; theymayhaveexperiencedcurrent, past,
or secondarytrauma,or theymayhave experienceda seriousloss thathas not
beenresolved.Videotapesshowtheparentreachingtowardthebabywiththetop
halfofherbodyand backingawaywiththebottomhalf;herconflicted approach
suggestsfear(Main & Hesse,1990).
When thisinfantneeds protectionin the face of dangerperceivedor real,
he is faced with an irresolvablechallenge:findsafetywithina fear-inducing
context.In confronting thisparadoxicalsituationthechildadoptscontradictory
and idiosyncraticattachmentstrategiesreflectinghis inherentlyconfusing
and frightening predicament. To hold in minda lovingand comforting person
associatedwithfear,danger,or deathis difficult to metabolizeand requiresmental
gymnastics of thehighestorder.This stateof affairs mayactuallybe whatFreud
(1957)describedas "anexpression ofthechildsfeelingat itswits'end"(p. 66).
This child'sfearmaybe caused by currentexperiencein the family, or the
fearmaybe inducedor borrowedfromthe caregiver. Whateverthe cause,it is
important toappreciate thatthechild'sfeelingis morethananxiety. Younghumans
musthaveanotherhumanto survive.Withoutan irreplaceable adult,thechild's
fearsuggeststheunthinkable - thepotentialforannihilation.
Researchfollowing theprimaryintimaterelationships of thesechildrenwith
disorganized attachment can inform clinicians who deal with adult intimate
relationships and the issues of power therein.By the age of six theinfantwitha
disorganized orientation to attachment oftenbecomesa childwho is controlling,
hostile,or parent-likewiththeactualparent(Lyons-Ruth, Bronfman, & Atwood,
1999)-The childmaycome to feelthatit is he who has frightened the parent,
and thatchild may feelthatit is he who is frightening- too powerfulor too
intimidating. The growingchild'scontrolling or hostile stance mayprovidehim
witha senseof efficacy to replacehis priorsenseofhelplessness, disorientation,
and fear.The childdevelopspseudomaturecaregiving and an attenuated, inept
care seeking.The child'scaregivingcontainsseasoningsof omnipotenceand

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 Attachment
Disorganized inCouples
Dynamics 157

aggression, inducedand primary helplessness, despair,and fearaccumulatedfrom

hisdysregulated attachment distress.
Lyons-Ruth et al. (1999) describeda helplessor submissiveand hostileor
controlling relational diathesis6in thesechild-parent dyads.I findthisdynamicin
someadultcouplesinmypractice.Hiddenatthedeepestleveloftheserelationships
is theinchoatesense,unarticulated and unthought, thatannihilation is embedded
in theirlove.This sensemaybe precipitated byeitherpartnerin theformof an
idea, a symbol,a memory,spousal induction,or the actual factthatdangerof
annihilationexistswithinthe relationship. The dynamicrepresents the couples
to
attempt regulateprofoundly disturbing affectsin the faceof the survival fears
echoedin theiradultprimary attachment relationship.To protectthemselves from
an awarenessof the unthinkable, thesegrown-upintimatesenact as iftheyare
inflexibly in eitherthechild/care-seeker or theparent-caregiver powerpositions
during their earlylives.
Thehostileorcontrolling partoftheenactment obscurestheincomprehensible
fearevokedby theveryfactof beingin a primaryintimacy. Usingthe survival
mechanismof fightoffersa feltsense of a whole self;feelingsof powerlessness,
disintegration, abandonment, andfearvanishfromconsciousness. In thehostileor
controlling part of the dynamic the extreme fearconnectedwiththeunthinkable
(murder, violation,destruction in love) is bluntedor just put aside. The wishis
thatthroughthe controlling position,attachment and an integrated selfcan be
preserved and the buried fearsoothed.
Thespouseinthehelplesspositionregulates unthinkable fearintherelationship
byseekingan as-ifparentcaregiver intheotherspouse.Thewishofthissubmissive,
as-ifchildcare-seeker is forsafetyand connection:a wayto soothetheterrible
fearsdeeplyassociatedwithintheintimacy.
Weturntoourprimary attachment figures whenfrightened. Whenthisoccurs,
therelationship is in a heightened stateofcontactand aliveness.The contactand
alivenessmay be responsiblefor the compulsive,repetitive - some mightsay
addictive - aspectsof the hostileor helpless We can see this compelling
cycle.
connectionin abusivespousalrelationships.
The followingcase studiesare briefexamplesof disorganizedattachment
dynamicsas theyappearin threecouplesin mypractice.

Case 1

Tenyearsbefore
beginningindividual Davidlearned
treatment, thathismothers first
husbandandtheirchild,hishalfbrother,
weremurdered in theNazideathcamps.
Hismother nevermentionedthehorrorofherexperiences.
Nonetheless,
feelingsare
communicatedfromright braintoright
brain;terror, and
murder, terrible losswere

6 Diathesis
isa predisposition
orvulnerability
toa particular
state etal.,1999).
(Lyons-Ruth

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158 GANGI

notverbalized,
buttheaffectiveresiduewasin thenursery in Davidsfirstintimate
withhis mother.
relationship The shadowof his mother's memories and vague,
troublesome,attachment-related
feelings emerged insidiouslywhenDavidwas in
his nextprimary intimaterelationshipwithhiswife.Insteadofthebright, lively,
andhumorous DavidI knewin individual work,an emotionally almost
paralyzed,
unrecognizableDavidemerged inthecouplesessions withhiswife.Davids emotional
paralysiswas a precipitant
of thiscouplesdisorganized attachment dynamics.
Davidsunderactivity, hishelplessnessandemotional deadness,engendered panic
inhiswife.Copingwiththeintense fearinducedbyherhusband s incomprehensible
deadness,Lenaorganized herselfthrough shetriedto connectwithher
hostility;
husbandandbringhimalivewithhurtful words.Herattempts awakened Davidinto
reactivedefense.
Davidsdefensive aliveness seemedto relieveLena.Unspoken and
unknown, murder,death,and terriblelossexistedas remnants in thefabricof this
couple:enactedandunthinkable.

Case 2

Kate and Samuels relationship also demonstrated the hostileor controlling

and helplessor submissive strategies of disorganized coupledynamics. In their
relationshipthehostileand helpless roles fluctuated between them; one orthe other
wouldtakeeither role.
I couldnotfigure outtheicky, disgusted, "I wanttobe outofhere"feeling I had
witha couplethatcametotalkabouttheir io-year-old son.Theywerehandsome, with
moviestargoodlooks.YetI didnotfindthemattractive. ThebestI coulddecipher
ofmycountertransference wasthesensethatKatehada "Stepford wife"feeltoher.
Sherarely movedwhileshesatand was exceedingly compliant withherhusband.
After wefocusedon thepresenting problem, Samuelwantedtotalkabouthiswife's
inhibitioninoralsex.He demeaned Katesinterest inintercourse anddescribed with
rapture how he enjoyed "going down on her" and how "uptight"shecould be. It was
hisopinion, expressed,
forcibly thatheknew the correct to
way sexually engageand
thathiswife's preferences werelessthanadequate.Katesubmissively and sweetly
agreed thatshe was not sufficientlyspontaneous in oralsex.Samuel's dominance
andKatessubmission weredramatically substantiated whenlater,I learnedthatat
Samuelsrequest, Katehadhadplasticsurgery on whattheybothdescribed as her
"unfeminine vulva."In a stilllatersession,Samuel,in greatpain,disclosedthat"it
killedhim"thatKatehadhadtwoaffairs in thelastyear.Thehostileorcontrolling
andhelpless orpassivedynamic persisted thisrelationship,
in although nowtheroles
hadchanged.
Theirverydifficult childhoodexperiences helpedilluminate theirhostileor
controllingand helplessor passivepattern. Katesdoll-likedeadnessbeganearly
in lifewitha perfectionist,controlling, and abusive backstage father.Samuel,with

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 Attachment
Disorganized inCouples
Dynamics 159

numerous scarsremainingon hisbody,hadfrequent encounters withviolentdeath

athisbrutalfather in a family
s hands.Now,as adultscurrently theyeach
together,
struggledagainstknowing yetenacted the annihilationfears
theyexperienced in
theiroriginal
family.

Case 3

In thisnextcase,Paulscontrol,albeitbenign,elicited andterror
helplessness in his
wife.
In thefaceofan absentfatherandinadequate mother,Paulhadbeena caregiver
prodigy: He counseledhismother, did thefamily checkwritingandfoodshopping,
andcooked.Duringtheircourtship Amyadmired Paulscompetence. Theymarried,
andtransferences deepened.Amybecameenragedbyanysensethatherhusband
exerted poweroverher.In sessionAmywouldoftenturntoPaultomakedecisions.
Yetwhenhe did,herdistresscommunicated thatsomething dreadful occurred.
In pursuing an understandingofherfear,fury, and dreadthethreeofus learned
thatPaulscaregiving gaveAmya feeling ofbeingdependent on an out-of-control,
dangerous parent- hervery survival was at stake.Startingat age seven,Amys
mother gaveher the of
job keeping her father
safe whilehe drove homedrunkfrom
hisfavorite the
bar.Shewouldgrip passenger seat whilehe swerved;luckily,hehad
onlya fewminoraccidents. Amylongedtobe takencareof,yetwhensherestedin
hermarriage topursuethislonging,shefeared forherlifeandattacked herhusband
as ifhe,likeherfather,
werea dangertoher.

SOME IMPLICATIONS FOR TREATMENT:

COUNTERTRANSFERENCE AND MENTALIZING

AriettaSlade (1999) writeswiselyon the subjectof individualtreatment;

understanding thedynamicsofattachment organization, she saysthatit"informs
ratherthan definesintervention" (p. 557). I agree.The attachment perspective
affectshow we thinkabout a couple- how we hold themin mind.It helpsme
formulate theway I relateto the couple:whatto mirror, whatwordsto choose
when speaking,and what to questionor reflect;how to followthe affectand
how to facilitateunderstandingand connection;when it is safe to pursuethe
unthinkable and whento just appreciatethepowerfuldynamicof theunspoken
and unknown.
The attachmentperspectiveofferssome insulationto help the therapist
contain,tolerate,and managethe manydifficult feelingsone can experiencein
thetreatment ofcoupleswithdisorganizedattachment dynamics.It is a challenge
to hold theunthinkablewhilethecouplesuccessfully attempts notto know.The
inductionnotto knowcan makeit a struggleto attendto and makesenseofthe

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l6o GANGI

Anomalous
Affect
Regulation
& Connection Power
strategies
Dysregulated- Collapsesand Dominance- or
Interpersonal
overregulated lapsesincontact submission intrapsychic

Serious
(Rage-dissociation) ormultiple Hostile-helpless Toobscure
the
disloyalties unthinkable
Frightened-
frightening Enhanceddistance
cycles

As-if
intimacy

table 2: ClinicalIndicators
ofDisorganized
CoupleDynamics

intrinsically incoherent.
Here are some countertransference reactionsthathavehelpedme zero in on
thepresenceof thedisorganizedattachment dynamic.I maywantto command
or controlone or bothpartners.I mayfeelhostileor retaliatory. I maybe sleepy
or disconnected, findmyselfspacingout or hyperalert and vigilant.SometimesI
feelfearor a sensethatsomethingis terribly wrong.I feeldumb,overwhelmed,
and, as I have mentioned,sometimesdisgusted.It is importantto notice
countertransference reactions;theyhelp the therapistinvestigate and hold the
dyadicdynamic anomalies in mind to use at the most appropriatetherapeutic
moment.
The coupleoftenfindsitcalmingto identify theunthinkable and unspeakable
as such.Puttingwordsto theunknownfearbeginsto helpregulateemotionsand
createcoherence,evenwhenwe do notas yetunderstand or identifythespecific
fear."I wonderifthereis something we shouldn'tknow,shouldn'tbe awareof,or
feel"is an introduction to thinkingabouttheunthought.
Itis also helpfulto reframe thehostileorcontrolling andhelplessorsubmissive
dynamics as attachment strategies,however destructiveor clearlyineffective,
to
createcontactand safetywhenpartnersfeelunsafe.Insteadof an effective care-
seekingstrategy signalingtheneed forlove and attention, thehostileor helpless
dynamicis an emptysubstitute fortherealthing.
Therearemanywaysto studya coupleforevidenceofdisorganized dynamics.
We can look at theiraffectregulation, thecontinuity of theirconnection,or the
waythatpoweris distributed betweenthepartners.
We may findexamplesof the hostile-helpless and dominance-submission
cycles,evidenceof as-ifrelatedness, collapseand lapses in connection,serious
loyalty issues, and to
dysregulated overregulated affectevidencedby rage and
dissociation(see table2). Fearfuland frightening cyclesmaybe presentin the

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 Attachment
Disorganized inCouples
Dynamics 161

couplerelationship.
Underlying thisclinicalevidencearethevariousinterpersonal
and intrapsychic
strategies coupleuse to calmintensely
the troubling and
feelings
obscuretheunthinkable.

CONCLUSION

Infantresearchhas enteredthe inner sanctumof the psychotherapeutic

consultingroom.The relatively subjectiveclinicalworldand relatively objective
empiricalworld are courting,graciouslydownplayingtheirdifferences while
beginning their Informed
relationship. by the dynamic between the child with
disorganized attachment and his the
parent, author attempted deepen this
to
promising newrelationshipbyintroducing theconceptofdisorganized attachment
dynamicsin the adultintimatecouple.The articleillustrated how a hostileand
helplessdynamicseenin theco-createdrelationship oftheparentandyoungchild
witha disorganizedattachment orientationalso appearsin manydifficultto treat
adultcouples.
The knowledgegained frominfantattachment researchhelps to clarifyan
otherwisetroublingand disorientingintimateexperiencefor adult couples.
Knowledgeof the disorganizedattachment dynamicsmay providea different
paradigmto help therapists hold a couple in mind,thuscommunicating safety
in thecoherencethatunderstanding encourages.This therapeuticframeenables
increasingaffect calmingtheinchoateandunthinkable
regulation, fearssmoldering
in thedisorganized attachmentdynamics.

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