The PB to my J - Part 3

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/31337582.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Multi
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationship: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene
McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom,
Peter Pettigrew/Original Character
Character: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Lily Evans Potter, Marlene
McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Peter Pettigrew
Additional Tags: Weddings, Wedding Fluff, Wedding Planning, Stag Nights, wolfstar, jily,
dorlene, Texting, Drunk Texting, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Swearing, Remus
and Sirius are stupidly in love, Smut, Explicit Sexual Content
Language: English
Series: Part 9 of The PB to my J
Collections: books cannonear has read
Stats: Published: 2021-05-16 Completed: 2022-02-22 Words: 79,280
Chapters: 50/50

The PB to my J - Part 3
by aqua_myosotis

Summary

It's a nice day for a Wolfstar Wedding!

Follows on from the last fic in The PB to my J Series I said yes, by the way, but could
probably be read as a stand alone!

If you fancy reading the 2 bigger fics leading up to this you can find Part 1 here and Part 2
here

Total credit to HuffleBuddy_Laura_01 who suggested I make Part 3 all about the wedding!
 Chapter 1
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

I Do Crew

James added Pete, Lily, Dorcas, Alice and Marlene to the group

James

INQUIRY ABOUT YOUR AVAILABITY FOR A MEETING

Dear friends of Sirius and Remus,

Hello!

My name is James

I am messaging you in regards

to our joint venture.

Would you be available for a meeting

via zoom next Thursday at 19:30?

I would like to hear your input

surrounding our upcoming nuptials.

Thank you,

and hope to hear your thoughts on this soon.

Regards,

James

Dorcas

Hells no

I’m way too hungover for this

I’m out

Dorcas has left the group

James
What?

NO!

What about your availability for the meeting?

I need it for my spreadsheet!

Marlene

Your what?

Absolutely not

Marlene has left the group

Alice

Bruh

This is just WhatsApp

Chill your boots

James

Stop!

You’re ruining everything!

Lily??

Lily

It is a bit much Jamie

James

No it’s not!

We need to be on it

We won’t get anywhere with your apathetic attitude

Lily

My what??

You think about that James…

James

I stand by it.

Lily

Ooohhh wrong choice babe

 I’m out

Lily has left the chat

Alice

Oh Potter

You fool

Solidarity with my girl I’m afraid

Alice has left the group

James

Oh

Umm

Pete

FFS Prongs!

You had one job

Pete added Dorcas, Lily, Marlene and Alice to the group

Pete

I have banned him from saying anything

Dorcas

Thank god

Marlene

Does he really have a spreadsheet?

Pete

I’m afraid that’s a yes

He’s very excited bless him

 Marlene

Be a love ‘Tails

Ask him if he can be excited without a spreadsheet

Pete

He says he cannot

And that he’s not sorry

Marlene

Ergh

Fiiiiiine

Alice

Is it an excel one?

Pete

Prong you may answer

Either Yes or No

James

Yes

Dorcas

Ooo I love an excel spreadsheet

Get’s me all fired up

Love me all those formulas

Marlene

Rly??

Dorcas

OH yeh…
 Marlene

Oh

Well in that case

I take everything back

James

Please tell us more about the spreadsheet

Tell us EVERYTHING about the spreadsheet

James

Petey?

Pete

You may tell them about the spreadsheet

James

Oh my god

It’s so good

I was up all night making it

I’ve coloured coded it

And then cross referenced it

With dates, times and costs

Everything related to Padfoot is in this browny green

And everything related to Rem is in silver

Their favourite colours!

I got Sam to do this amazing coding thing

and they made custom colours for it!

How cool is that??

Pete youre so lucky!

I wish my partner was computer genius!

Lily
 Umm

HELLO??

James

Oh

Hi?

I love you

Lily

Damn right you do

Alice

Tbf to you J

It’s pretty bloody exciting isn’t it

James

Finally!

Someone who get the spreadsheet of dreams!

Dorcas

P sure Al is talking about R & S getting engaged

Not the spreadsheet

James

A little bit the spreadsheet?

Lily

Pete if you could?

Pete

No more spreadsheet chat

Your (much) better half has spoken

James

Rude

Marlene

Are you going to be like this until the wedding?

James

Yep

Marlene

Good christ

------------------------------

My Support Bras

Marls

Lils

I love you

But your boyfriend

Lils

Sigh

Yeh I know

Don’t worry

I’ve got a few ideas

On how to get him to reign it in

Als

Eyyyyy

I bet you do

Lils

Ideas that are probably not dissimilar

To whatever Marly was texting D last night

In the bar
 Dorky

Oh

Lils

Oh yes Dorko

Oh

We all saw you squirming

Marly

I regret nothing!

Als

GET IN DOLENE

Lils

You can’t talk Al!

You and Frank were NOT quiet last night

At one point we heard Frank wail

And J thought his guinea pig had escaped

Dorky

Since when does James have a guinea pig?

Lils

Oh he doesn’t

But he was so drunk he thought he did

And that it had escaped

I thought he was making a weird euphemism

For other things

So I started undoing his trousers

And then he freaked because he thought there was a guniea pig in his pants
 It was altogether not hot™

Marly

God Lord

It sounds like it was a wild ride

At the Potter/Longbottom residence last night

Als

You’re not wrong

Although not in a sexy way

I mean

The ride was wild

To start with

But then I got a bit motion sick

I think it was the tequila

So I had to get off

To be sick

But I didn’t quite make it off in time

That was the wail

It got a bit bent

And the pillow got a bit covered in sick

Lils

This story

Has taken a definite turn for the worst

I did think it smelt a bit sicky when I woke up

Dorky

I am suddenly very glad

 We decided on the hotel

Rather than your boys living room floor

We had a drink in the bar with Pete and Sam

When we got back

Lils

OMG

We haven’t even discussed this!

How nice are they??

Like

I literally loved them

Als

Same!

And them and Pete were suuuper cute together

Marly

I know!

Really easy with each other you know

Was so nice

Dorky

I can’t believe R & S are getting married

Well

I can believe it

You know what I mean

Marly

Yeh

I’m so SO happy for them

Als

Samesies

Not going to lie

I had a little cry in the loos

All the emotions

Lils

Yes!

Same!

Well not in the loos

But when I realised what was happening

I did that smiling crying thing

Where you mouth actually hurts

Dorky

I know we were getting all down on your J Lils

But to be fair to him

If any of you were getting married

I’d be the same

Marly

*Ahem*

Dorky

Except for Marly

I’d be devastated if she was getting married

Unless it was to me

Marly

------------------------------
 Jily

James

Flower

I’m sorry

I love you

I just got over excited

You’re the best

And so clever

And fit

And delicious

Like a cupcake

Ooo cupcake

I might start calling you cupcake

Lily

Cupcake

I could go for a cupcake right about now

James

Same

Am I forgiven?

I’ll get us cupcakes

Lily

Tell me how pretty I am again

James

SO pretty

Like

The vision of you in that skirt

Is going to get me through the next fortnight of us being apart

Lily
 That’ll do it

You’re forgiven

Love you

James

Are you getting out the bath soon?

I miss you

Shall I go and actually get cupcakes?

Lily

Screw cupcakes

I left the door unlocked…

James

Nghh

How did I get so lucky

OMW

Chapter End Notes

I couldn’t help it - I missed writing this.

Disclaimer: life is busy atm so updates probs won’t be as frequent as they were for
Part 1/2. I’ll try my best though!
 Chapter 2

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Sirius

So

Remus

We have news

Marlene

Let me guess

You’re getting married?

Remus

Ha. Ha.

You think you’re so freakin’ cool

Don’t you McKinnon

Marlene

Umm

Yeh?

Obvs

Remus

Fair enough

You’re not wrong

Alice

Marls is pretty cool

Sometimes

When I’m in a situ

Where I need to be cool

I think to myself

‘What would Marls do?’

Marlene

OMG really?

I do that about you!!

Alice

NO WAY?!

You’re so much cooler than me

Dorcas

Well you’re both WAY cooler than me

Marlene

No!

Alice

Dorko

Absolutely not!

You’re the coolest

Dorcas

What about Lils though?

Surely not cooler than Lils

Marlene

Ooo that’s a toughy

Lils is pretty damn cool

Lily

Thanks Marls!

That’s so sweet

Marlene

You’re so welcs babe

 Lily

Aww

Love you girlies

Alice

Saaaame

Can’t until we’re all back from work

Missing you all here on my lonesome ☹

Dorcas

Oh I’m nearly home Al!

We can snuggle until the others gets back

Marlene

Oh no fair!

I want snuggles

Lily

Me too!

Our girl snuggles are the best

Sirius

SO

Remus

WE HAVE NEWS

Dorcas

Oh shit yeh

Sorry lads

Totally forgot that this wasn’t our house group

James

Cupcake!

I thought my snuggles were the best!

Lily
 They are!

I just

I thought this was our girls chat

Alice

Le gasp!

So you DON’T think our girls snuggles are the best?

Marlene

I am OFFENDED

Dorcas

To be honest same

You are excluded from tonights snuggles

Lily

What?

No!

I do think they’re the best!

James

My heart

I can’t take it

Pete

It’s alright Prongs

I think your snuggles are the best

James

Wormy

My one true love

Leave Sam and run away with me

We can snuggle forever

Sirius

SO

SO

SO

Pete

I’ll do it

They’ll understand

Alice

If you’re leaving Sam

Put in a good word for me yeh?

Not gonna lie

Am low key interested

I LOVED them

Lily

Ummm

Frank at all Alice?

Alice

Oh yeh he’s knows all about it

He’s fine with it

Marlene

I’m with Alice here

Sam’s amazing

Pete

Oh God I know

James

Actually I fancy myself a bit of Sam

Bring them along for the snuggles Petey!

 Remus

WE HAVE

You know what?

Screw you all

------------------------------

The PB to my J

Remus

Shall we just elope?

We could nip over down to Gretna Green at the weekend

Sirius

Sounds good to me!

That’ll show them

Bastards

They don’t deserve to know anything

Remus

Haha!

I bet you’ve got that pout going on right now

Sirius

I resent the implication

I do not pout

I brood

Gloriously

Remus

Oh of course

I apologise

I so love the pout though

Makes me want to do Things to you

Sirius

Oh?
 What kind of things?

Remus

One word

Corfu

Sirius

Oh fuck me

Remus

Nuh uh

I think you’ll find

It was more

Fuck me

Sirius

Oh goooood Moons

WHY did I decide to work in the office today?

Remus

I have no idea

And now I’m home

All alone

With no-one to play with

Sirius

Don’t you dare Remus Lupin

I am a professional man doing professional things at my professional job

Remus

And I’m ever so bored without you

And the flat is ever so hot

I think I need to strip off

And get ever so naked

Maybe have a lie down

Whatever could I do to entertain myself…?

 Sirius

I hate you

Remus

Nah

You love it

Sirius

Fuck off

Remus

Yes sir!

If you say so

I guess I’ll have to get started without you

Sirius

You’re so mean

And now I have to try and calm down

Before my stupid meeting

Remus

Oh yeh your meeting!

I hope it goes well babe

You’re meeting that new client right?

Sirius

Yep!

Apparently she’s been quite difficult on the phone

Am a bit nervy

Remus

You’ll be fine Pads

You know what you’re doing

You’re all prepped and up to speed

You’ll have no probs with her

She’ll love you

 Sirius

God I hope so

Better go

Love you Remus Lupin

Remus

Love you too Sirius Lupin

Can’t wait to see you later

You make my whole heart happy

------------------------------

I Do Crew

James

Hi girls

How are you all?

Dorcas

We’re fine?

James

Great!

That’s really good to hear

Alice

Umm thanks!

Lily

You ok J?

James

Yes I’m good!

Thanks for asking!

Marlene
 You’re being weird

It’s putting me on edge

Pete

Christ sake Prongs

I’ve told him to behave

Apparently this is that

Dorcas

Ahhh I see

Makes sense

Alice

Did you want to ask us something James?

James

Why yes Alice!

I certainly did

Lily

Go on then…

James

I was wondering

Whether I could possibly enquire

Into your availability for a quick conference

Perhaps the evening of the 15 th @ 19:30

Pete

Oh Lord

Are you free next Thurs

To chat about best man/bridesmaid stuff?

 Marlene

Sounds good to me!

Alice

Seconded

I’m excited!

Lily

I will literally be with you then James

I’ve got Friday off remember?

So I’m coming up Thurs

Dorcas

I won’t be home until 8 I don’t think

But am v happy for you to start without me

And I can catch up

Pete

Great

Job done

James

No!

Not job done

Don’t you want to hear about my itinerary?

Marlene

I was going to make a scathing remark

But actually

I would quite

Yes

Lily

Same here
James

Really?

Yay

Right

Well ‘Tails and I sat down

And we reckon they’re going for a spring wedding

Around Moony’s birthday-ish

So we’ve got 15 months to play with

Alice

Ahhh!

This is so real isn’t it

They’re actually getting married

The Lupin-Blacks!

James

Just Lupin

Padfoot is binning the Black

Dorcas

Oh

Marlene

I love!

I hate that we’re so far away from you guys

I don’t want to miss out on any of this

I barely speak to Rem these days

He’s always busy when I’m free etc etc

Alice

Perhaps we should have

 Like a weekly meeting or something?

Lily

Yeh that’s a good idea

We can make a to do list

Of all the wedding jobs they ask us to do

And go through it each week

Dorcas

Yes!

James can you googledrive the spreadsheet?

James

YES GIRLS

This is what I’m talking about!

We are all OVER this

Marlene

Hit us with your outline J

James

Ok well

As I said

Approx 15 months I think

So they’ll be looking at venues soonish

Then it’ll be suppliers etc

Dependent on venue

So we won’t need to do much there

But I imagine we’ll be looking at suits/dresses

In about 6 months

Need to leave time for alterations and all that

Then invites will go out

Then stags
This will be the big one

We’re thinking just before Christmas

OR

Going a but rogue

Have them over New Year

And then it will be all systems go

All the little bits and pieces

Flower, table decs, favours

All of that

Oh God

I’M SO EXCITED

Alice

This all sounds very excellent

Good job lads!

Pete

Yes

This is all well and good

But remember

We need to actually find out when they’re planning to get married

And what they actually want us to do

James

Oh

Yeah

You’re probably right

Pete

I’m very right

And you know it

 Marlene

Boooooo

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Pete

@Remus

@Sirius

We would like to apologise about earlier

It has come to our attention

That there was news you wished to share with the group

Sirius

Oh that

Yeh

Doesn’t matter anymore

It was just wedding stuff

Alice

Course it matters!

Tell us!

Remus

It was just boring stuff like dates

As Pads says

Doesn’t matter anymore

Marlene

Why not??

Remus

We’ve decided to elope

James
What?

Sirius

Yeh

We’re on our way to Gretna Green now!

Lily

You’re joking right?

Remus

Nope

It’s going to be so romantic

James

No

Sirius

Sorry Prongs

But we figured no-one would be that bothered

James

This is a joke

Please tell me this is a joke

I’m coming round right now

You better be bloody in

I’m going to flip my lid if you’re not there

Dorcas

Flip my lid

That’s just the best phrase

James

I’m leaving now

I will see you in 10

Because you are definitely in

And not on your way to mother f-ing elope!

 Remus

Ahh Prongs

This is so fun

Lily

Oh thank god

I honestly don’t know what he’d do

If you actually eloped

Sirius

As if I’d pass up the opportunity

To have a massive party

Celebrating my love for the damn fine specimen that is my Remusaur

I’d broadcast it on national tele if I could

Remus

God you’re so SCRUMMY

I just want to eat you up

Sirius

Plenty of time for that later handsome

Marlene

NO thank you!

Alice

OMG Sirius

Pete

I cry

I know what that sounds like

Its loud

Sirius

Hell yeah it is

Re knows what he’s doing

Lily

Please stop

Remus

Sorry Lils

We do actually have news

We’ve set a date

Lily

Ahhh

Exciting!!

Dorcas

When when when??

Sirius

22nd Feb

In Wales

Marlene

Pete!

You and J were nearly bang on!

Pete

I know!

Alice

Is that a special date?

 Remus

Sort of

It’s nice to have it all set

Makes it seem really real

Dorcas

I bet!

Lily

So 15 months gang

You’ll have to let us know what you want us to do and when!

Sirius

15 months?

No we mean THIS Feb

As in 3 months time

Pete

3 months??

Oh God

This is not looking good for the spreadsheet

James

What doesn’t look good for the spreadsheet??

Also

I’m here you shits

I hate you both

Let me in

I’ve forgotten my key

 Chapter 3

‘I hate you,’ James deadpanned as the front door was pulled open to reveal a grinning Remus.

‘No you don’t,’ Remus patted James twice on the head, ‘You’re so fun to play with Prongs.’

James glared at him and then shouted down the narrow hallway, ‘Padfoooot, Moony’s being mean
to me and I don’t like it!’ He heard a burst of laughter in response, ‘Oi! I heard that!’

He followed Remus into the living room to find Sirius sprawled on the sofa, naked apart from his
boxers, a smug look plastered over his faintly flushed face. James eyed him suspiciously.

‘Poor Prongs,’ Sirius stretched his arms up above his head and wiggled his hips, ‘Everyone is
ganging up on you.’

‘Yes they are. Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?’

‘Tis hot,’

James snorted, ‘Right. Yeh, that must be it. In November.’ He looked at the sofa warily, ‘Is this
safe to sit on?’

Remus shoved him, ‘Yes!’ James took one last look, gaze sweeping up and down and then sat
down heavily on Sirius’ legs, ‘I think,’ Remus added.

James turned his head to look at him, realising that his hair was definitely looking a bit dishevelled
and the button on his jeans was undone and he groaned, ‘I stand by my earlier sentiment, I hate
you.’

Both Sirius and Remus laughed and James cracked a smile despite himself before schooling his
face into a frown,

‘Stop laughing! I’m not talking to either of you. Especially you,’ he pointed at Remus, ‘I honestly
thought you’d fucked off to Gretna to get married without your best man. I swear my heart broke a
bit.’

‘Aww Prongs,’ Sirius said, pulling his legs out from underneath James and shuffling over to make
room for Remus, ‘As if we’d get married without you.’

‘We’d never,’ Remus added, wrapping an arm around Sirius’ still bare shoulders, pulling him
against his side, ‘You cold babe?’

‘You cold babe?’ James mimicked in a terrible welsh accent. The pair looked at him and he had
the decency to look slightly abashed, ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I don’t know why I did that.’

He was silent for a moment, reaching over and picking up a glass of squash that was on the coffee
table and taking a swig.

‘I thought you were getting married without me.’

‘Oh James,’ Remus said, reaching over Sirius to grasp his shoulder, ‘As it we would. Sorry, we
shouldn’t have joked.’

James smiled, ‘Nah, you’re good. Classic Rem innit,’ he sighed, ‘Maybe Wormy’s right. Maybe I
should calm down a bit.

‘No!’ Remus and Sirius exclaimed simultaneously.

‘We need you to get our arses into gear,’ Remus carried on, ‘I need you to do Best Man things, you
know how shit I am at organising anything.’

‘Also,’ Sirius interrupted, ‘What is this spreadsheet Pete speak of?’

James visibly perked up, ‘My spreadsheet,’ he sighed dreamily, ‘It’s a thing of beauty. Basc, what
I’ve done is I’ve aligned everything you’re going to need to do leading up to the wedding in an
effective, time managed configuration.’

‘Good Christ,’ Remus muttered, ‘Well that freaks me the fuck out.’

‘Don’t worry your pretty little head Moony,’ James said, leaning over to pat his leg, ‘Essentially it
just means we know what we have to do and when.’

‘But how do you know all of this?’ Remus looked bewildered, ‘You didn’t know the date!’

James waved an arm at him, ‘I guessed. You two are so bloody predictable.’

‘No we’re not!’ Sirius said affronted, James just looked at him. ‘Ok fine. Maybe we are. Go on
then, what date did you go for?’

‘Late February, early march,’ James said assuredly. He looked at Sirius who stuck out his bottom
lip, ‘I’m right aren’t ?!’

‘No.’

‘I am though.’

‘Fine, yes! How the fuck did you guess that?’

‘As I said, you two,’ he waggled his finger between Remus and Sirius, ‘Predictable. And a bit of
the old Potter intuition coming in to play.’

Remus looked vaguely impressed, ‘To be fair I still haven’t for over that tea you made me the day
we all met, twas bang on.’

‘Oh yeh!’ James said, ‘I’d forgotten about that, that was good wasn’t it.’

‘Yeh,’ Remus agreed, ‘Can we see the spreadsheet? Might actually be useful now we’ve set a
date.’

‘What? You’ve actually set the date?!’ James almost shouted.

‘Yes,’ Sirius said looking confused, ‘I thought that was the whole point of this conversation!’

‘No! I was working off my guessed date. When, when?’

‘22nd February.’

‘Yes!’ James shouted, pumping his fist, ‘I was bang on! Oh God I’m so excited! And it means I
don’t need to adjust anything either time wise! Obviously I can’t go into too much detail now
because I don’t have my laptop but I do know that you’ll need to start looking for a venue soonish,
things get booked up way in advance for weddings, I read it in my wedding magazine.’

‘We’ve booked the venue,’ Remus said, ‘Prongs, we’ve just told everyone all of this.’

‘When?’

‘Literally like half an hour ago, in the group chat.’

‘Ohhh,’ James said, ‘I haven’t read all the messages back.’ He glared at Remus, ‘I was too busy
running here to stop you eloping. Where is it? It is nice? I bet it’s gorgeous. Is it countrysidey? I
hope it’s countrysidey.’

‘It’s a really beautiful barn about 10 minutes away from Re’s parents,’ Sirius said, taking Remus’
hand and bringing it up to his mouth to press a kiss on his knuckles, ‘It’s stunning. Here.’ He let go
of Remus’ hand and pulled out his phone.

He passed it to James who took it and began swiping his finger across the screen, ‘Wow,’ he
breathed, ‘This is so nice. Oh God, this is going to look so good with millions of fairy lights. Hmm,
originally I thought about a gold and silver colour scheme but now looking at this I think we’re
going to want to look at something a bit more muted, sort of classically understated, maybe like a
sage green and silver, perhaps some dusky rose-pink accents too.’

‘What? How?’ Sirius stopped speaking abruptly, tipping his head back to look at Remus before
scowling back at James, ‘J I love you, like so much but maybe Re and I should choose the colour
scheme.’

‘Oh,’ James looked up from the phone, ‘Shit, yeh, sorry. Getting a bit carried away.’

Remus laughed, ‘It’s fine Prongs. Sirius babe, do you want to tell James the colour scheme that we
thought of in the car on the way home?’

Sirius mumbled something under his breath.

‘What was that Padfoot?’

‘Sage green, silver and dusky pink. Man I hate you sometimes.’

James looked delighted with himself, ‘With fairy lights?’

‘So many fairy lights.’

‘Yay!’ James jiggled happily and handed the phone back to Sirius, ‘Well that’s the first big thing
ticked off the list!’ He lifted a hand in air and drew an imaginary tick in mid-air. ‘We can start
chipping away at the little bits and pieces now we know what we’re working with venue wise but I
really do think that now you’ve set a date you should send out Save the Date cards sharpish. Oh my
God I saw these amazing fridge magnets ones! They had a picture of two dinosaurs at the top, and
one had a bow tie and one had a veil but I’m sure they could do one with two bow tie dinosaurs!
You could obvs customise the writing so I’m sure they could, I’ll email when I get home. But,’ he
paused to take a breath, ‘The next proper big thing to do is suits and whatever the girls are going to
wear although I reckon we can wait until August/September to do that.’

Sirius and Remus looked at each other, ‘James what are you going on about?’ Remus asked, ‘We’ll
have been married 6 months by then.’

‘What? No you won’t.’

‘Yes,’ Sirius said slowly, ‘We will.’

A look of enlightenment appeared on James’ face which turned immediately to shock, ‘Fucking
hell, you mean you’re getting married this February.’

‘Yes!’ Sirius exclaimed as Remus nodded, ‘When the fuck did you think we meant?’

‘I thought you meant next year!’

‘I do mean next year!’ Sirius said, now thoroughly confused.

‘No as in next next year, not just next year!’ James leapt up, ‘That’s 3 months away! Oh God
there’s so much to do! The spreadsheet is totally buggered now. I need to go and zoom Pete; we
need to fix it!’ He started pacing up and down in front of the tele, ‘3 months! Why?!’

Remus shrugged, ‘Why wait?’

James stopped to look at them both, his expression turned fond, ‘Yeh, fair enough.’ He gave his
head a little shake and started pacing again, ‘But 3 months! Right, don’t panic, we can do this.
There was no way there was a 3-month time scale in that magazine, I think the shortest one was 9
months but we can make it work. Venue’s booked so that’s good, I better order those magnets
tonight though or actually is there any point in Save the Dates? Do we just go full invitation? Christ
boys, you really need to send out your invitations!’

‘Oh my God Prongs, stop I am begging you!’ Remus said interrupting his diatribe, ‘You’re
stressing me out!’

James stopped in his tracks, ‘No! No stressing. The groom’s job is not to stress, that’s a Best Man
sort of a job. Me and Pete will stress, you two relax, it’s all going to be taken care of. Ok, I’m
going to head off, I need to call Hope and mum, see if we can do a zoom call with Wormtail,’ he
began walking towards the door. Both Remus and Sirius stood up to follow his and James whirled
around, ‘Nuh Uh! You sit back down! No stressing for the grooms remember?’

‘Umm, ok?’ Remus said tentatively.

‘Good,’ James inhaled deeply and then smiled, ‘I’m so excited, love you guys so much.’

‘Love you too Jamie,’ Sirius said as Remus pulled him back against his chest, propping his chin on
his head.

‘Right, I really am going now,’ James started towards the door again, ‘And you two,’ he smirked
back at them, ‘Can get back to doing whatever it was you were doing before I got here.’ He threw
them a wink and then strode down the hallway.

Remus hummed lowly, swaying Sirius from side to side gently and then bending his head to bite
gently into his neck, ‘What do you think?’

Sirius gave a happy moan, ‘Prongs always has the best ideas.’
 Chapter 4

Stag Do Slayers

James added Monty, Lyall, Lily, Pete, Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, Sam and Frank to the group

James

Comrades

It’s time

Let’s plan this bad boy!

Alice

GET IN SAUSAGE

I’m all over this

Lyall

Remus’ Da here… what does the aubergine mean?

Dorcas

Pete

Yes Alice

What does the aubergine mean?

Alice

Ummm

Remus really likes aubergines?

Lyall

Oh I see, although I don’t think I’ve ever seen him eat one. Will we have aubergines on the stag
night?

James

OMG

That’s actually superb

Knew it was a good idea to add the dads

I’m so good at all of this

I should hire myself out to be Best Man

Pete

Let’s not get carried away Prongs

Marlene

Oh God

Hi Lyall!

How are you?

Lyall

I’m grand thank you Marly. How are you?

Marlene

Yep all good!

James

Can we focus here people

(not you Lyall, you’re doing amazingly)

Lyall

Thank you The Prongs

Lily

Oh lord

This is too much

Hi Lyall!

Lyall

Hello Lily dear. How are you?

Lily
 Better now this chat is in my life

I’m glad you’re well

Frank

Just so you know

James is about to have an aneurysm here

Sam

Oh go on then Jam

Tell us your plannage

James

THANK you Sam

And plannage

Person after my own heart

Monty

I wouldn’t do that son, remember Uncle Humphrey had an aneurysm and it didn’t end well for him

James

Uncle Humphs got shot by that bear!

It was nothing to do with his aneurysm

Alice

Montyyyyyyy!

Yay!

Monty

Hello Alice. How are you?

Alice

I’m so good thank you!

How are you??

 Monty

I am very well thank you. And how is Frank?

Frank

I’m good thanks

James

PLEASE

Oh god

All I want to do in try and plan something for Moony’s stag

Lyall

Is Remus Moony then? I did wonder if that’s what I was hearing when any of you came to stay
and Sirius does call him ‘Moons’ sometimes but I didn’t like to ask.

Dorcas

Lyall

You 100% need to ask him why

Pete

I just want to know

How Prongs’ Uncle Humphs got shot by a bear??

Monty

Well Peter, it’s a very peculiar story

James

NO dad

No time

The spreadsheet is open and waiting

Lyall
Ahh yes, this infamous spreadsheet. Hope was telling me all about it after she’d finished speaking
to you.

James

Oh

Yeh

Sorry about that Mr Lupin

I really should have checked the time before I called

Lyall

No harm done The Prongs, it’s a very exciting time but yes, it would be appreciated if you gave the
clock a quick glance over next time.

Lily

Oh Gawwd James

What time did you ring??

James

Err

It was just after half past 2

Marlene

In the morning???

James

Maybe

To be fair to me Blupin had just dropped their 3 month bombshell

The spreadsheet was totally fucked!

Monty

Less of the language please James

James

Oh fuck off dad

You’re worse than the rest of us put together

 Monty

That is a fair shake of the sauce bottle.

Dorcas

Juuuust realising where J gets it all

James

Get’s all what?!

Rude

Lyall

I’d would consider it a compliment

Monty

Yes son, don’t be such a simp

James

Oh my God

Do you even know what that means??

Monty

No I’m afraid not.

Yeet.

------------------------------

Private Message

Lyall

What do you think then old boy?

Monty

I’m very touched to have been included but I think I will leave them to it

Lyall

Yes those were my thoughts, there are some things a father doesn’t want or need to know. They’re
good kids aren’t they

Monty
 The best. Our boys will be well looked after

Lyall

They will. Now, when are we going to persuade you and Effie to visit us up in The Land of the
Castles?

Monty

Just say the word. Sirius is desperate for us to visit the wedding venue and Effie and I would be
honoured to take you and the lovely Hope out for a meal

Lyall

That all sounds grand. I would also very much like to stage an awkward ‘meet the in-laws dinner.’
For, as the youth of today say, shits-and-giggles

Monty

Well that does sound fun! We shall be in touch with some dates.

Lyall

Great. Look forward to seeing you at next week’s zoom bookclub then

Monty

Absolteuy, which reminds me, I’d better find my reading glasses

------------------------------

Stag Night Ninjas

Pete added Monty, Lyall, Sam, James, Frank, Dorcas, Alice, Lily and Marlene to the group

Pete

Gathered associates

Lily

Nooooo

Marlene

What??

I’m so confused

We’ve just done this?

Pete
No

Look at the name

Marlene

And??

It’s the same?

Dorcas

Nope

The other one was Stag Do Slayers

Pete

Exactly!

This is Stag Night Ninjas!

Alice

I know what this is

Its freakin confusing

James

Nice Petey!!

Pete

Cheer Prongs!

ANWYAY

Gathered Assoicates

As a wise man once said

It’s time

Let’s plan this bad boy

James

That’s me

I’m the wise man

 Lily

Hialrious

Lyall

GET IN SAUSAGE
I’M ALL OVER THIS

Monty

Marlene

The dads OWNING the GC rn

Lyall

We looked up the aubergine on google. I do apologise, I misunderstood earlier, I thought you

meant Remus liked eating the vegetable but I see now it was a euphemism for him liking penises.

Monty

Sirius too. Although I think, from what I can gather from talking to him, it’s just Remus’ penis he’s
been interested in

James

I am begging you to stop

Lily

And that really is saying something

Monty you should have seen him when they first got together

James

Hey!

Pete

She’s not wrong though Prongs

ANYWAY

I hate to be that guy

BUT

Frank
 The spreadsheet?

Pete

Yup

Alice

Just gonna put this out there

Do we really need two groups though?

I mean we literally JUST had a whole convo

About Rem’s stag and planned bugger all

James

Two grooms Alice!

Two grooms means two stags

Lyall

Before we get too caught up with the planning. I’m very touched that you thought to include
myself but I think I’ll bow out gracefully. You don’t want an old man cramping your style.

Marlene

Nooo!

Don’t do it Lyall!

You and Monts have got more style than all the lads put together

Pete

That’s fair

James

I’ll allow it

Monty

That’s very kind Marlene but there are certain things a father doesn’t want to be privy too
Lyall

However, Monty and I have been conferring and we would very much like to come up to
Edinburgh and take the boys out to dinner to celebrate instead and would love you all to come.
Travel and expenses on us of course

Lily

Oh that’s so generous

There’s really not need

Monty

No Lily, we insist, it would be our pleasure. What do you think ladies and gentlemen?

James

And non-binary friends

Monty

Oh fuck yes of course. I’m so sorry Sam, I do apologise.

Sam

Don’t worry

You’re all good Mr Potter

Monty

Please, you must call me Monty. Let me try that again, what do you think folks?

Pete

Amazing

And I think they’d love that

I’d love that too tbh

James

We did actually talk about having a night out in Eds as well!

So Kings, Gid etc can get in on some stag action

We could do dinner before that!

Dorcas

That’s a really good idea

As long as Lyall and Monty come out for drinks afterwards

Lyall

That can be arranged.

Monty

That’s settled then. We’ll leave the date in James and Peter’s capable hands and leave you to it.
Take care of yourselves and look forward to seeing you all soon

Lyall

God Bless

Lyall has left the group

Monty has left the group

Frank

I miss them already

 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

I'm sorry there was such a wait for this chapter - hope it's ok!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Alice

So

Last night

I’m lying in bed

Dorcas

Erm

Well done?

Remus

Riotous story Alice

You should tell it at parties

10/10

Lily

Ahh Rem

I do miss you and your sarcastic ways

Remus

What?

I just really enjoyed it

Any story that involves being in bed

I’m all over tbh

Marlene

Eyyyyy

James
Our Remus has always had a dirty streak

Remus

Hey!

Highly offended

James

Where’s the lie though?

Lily

J’s not wrong

You look all cute

But you’re the dirtiest one out of all of us

Remus

Oh I see how it is

Jily joining forces against me

I suppose it was only a matter of time

Before Prongs forsook me

Dorcas

Is forsook even a word

Remus

I swear

Calm

Yes

It is the simple past tense of forsake

Marlene

What’s the complicated past tense?

Remus

What??
I hate you

Marlene

Nah

Sirius

Poor Remusaur

If it helps

I am v fond of you dirty streak

Remus

That does help a little bit

Yes

Sirius

Good

And

I can help you make that streak even dirtier

If you put on the you-know-what

For when I get home

I’m just leaving the office now

Pete

BOOOOOOO

Do you know

Ever listen to yourself

Before you put these things in the GC

Sirius

Yes

And I happen to find myself very interesting

Pete

Don’t know why I bothered asking that

 Sirius

My best man ladies and gentlemen

Pete

Hell yeh I am

Love you Padfoot

Sirius

Love you too Petey

James

Love you Moony

Remus

Love you too Prongs

Sirius

Love you Prongs

James

Love you Paddy

Remus

Love you Wormy

Pete

Love you too Moony

Marlene

Wow

Sometimes I miss you all

And then I remember how annoying you all are

James
LOVE YOU MARLENE

Pete

Love you Marlene!

Sirius

LOVE YOU MARLS

Remus

I just tolerate you

JUST

Marlene

The feelings mutual

Lily

Do you think we’ll ever find out

What Alice was doing

Lying in bed

James

Frank’s here

Says he’s v interested

In how this story plays out

Dorcas

I bet he is!

@Alice??

Alice

Ooop

Sorry guys

I was just eating some bisoff spread

Also

We need more biscoff spread

ANYWAY

Yes

Last night

I’m lying in bed

And it came to me

I know why you’ve gone for 22 nd Feb for your wedding

Sirius

No you don’t

Alice

I do!

It’s an anniversary

Dorcas

Surely their anniversary

Is like in October?

James

Actually its 24th September

Remus

Both wrong

We decided we don’t actually have an anniversary

Because it transpired that when we got together

we’d actually been in a relationship for almost 2 years already

We just hadn’t realised

Sirius

Yeh

And Remus had just been inadvertently cheating on me

With some bloke

I don’t recall his name

Remus

You promised you’d stop saying that

Pete

He’s not wrong though

Poor Fabian

Sirius

Ahhh Fabian

Yes

I remember now

Alice

Remus

Hey!

Me and Fab were great together!

Lily

He was no Sirius though was he

Sirius

Ahhhh!

Thank you Mrs Prongs!

Lily

You’re so welcome love

Remus

Do people really think that I was awful to him?

James

No!

Course not

Marlene

We’re just teasing Rem

Sorry

Lily

Oh Remus

No

You two were so great together

Als

Oooo Lils

Rookie error…

Sirius

UMMM

Are you ready for my tantrum?

Or do you need a couple of minutes to prepare?

Remus

Don’t worry gang

I’ve got this

Sirius babe?

Sirius

Mmm?

Remus

I’ve put it on

Sirius

Yeh?
Remus

Yeh

And I’ve taken everything else off

Sirius

Ok!

Good chats guys

Speak to you all soon

Remus I’ll be home in 5 minutes

Remus

Hell yeh you will

Pete

I hate this place

------------------------------

A Good Pear

Alice

22nd Feb

Lyall was in hospital

You and Rem had ‘broken up’

(Idiots)

That’s the day you sorted everything isn’t it

and the day you realised that you weren’t so anti-marriage

Boom!

Anniversary

Sirius

Ok firstly

NO KALE FOR MOONY

And secondly
 Bugger

Yes

You’re correct

Alice

That’s because I’m the mother f-ing woman

Sirius

I’m sort of disappointed you realised

I wanted it to be a me and Re thing

Alice

Ahhh

Sorry hun

I won’t say anything to anyone else then

You’re so adorbs

Sirius

You know what?

I’m going to take that

I am adorable

Alice

You ok?

Feel like we haven’t spoken just us for agggges

Sirius

Yeh I’m good

Life literally couldn’t be any better you know?

Although it sucks balls that you’re so bloody far away

Alice

Ergh I know

I’m coming to see Frankie next weekend

Drink?
Just us?

Sirius

Totes

Although

I might have a better idea

How long you up for?

Don’t want to take up your Frank time

Alice

Oooo what you thinking?

And nah we’re good

Want to see you too

Sirius

Well

I thought maybe

Do you want to come with me to help me choose my suit for wedding?

Alice

OMG

YES!

I’d LOVE that!!

Sirius

Yay

Alice

This is a big deal!

You got any idea what you’re going to go for?

Sirius

Literally none

Like I don’t want to go too formal

But also

It’s my fucking wedding

 So it needs to be pretty damn special

Alice

Fuck Sirius

You’re actually getting married

Sirius

I know

Mad isn’t it

If you’d said four years ago that I would get married at 24

And to Remus Lupin

I would have laughed in your face

And then gone and cried quietly into my pillow

Alice

Yeh

That unrequited love was a bitch wasn’t it

Sirius

It really was

Alice

Not anymore though!

How was Remus and his harness btw?

Sirius

Oh God Al

Soooo hot

Alice

I bet it was

Looks good in leather does he

Sirius

Y.E.S

Fuck
 Just realised what you’ve done there

Alice

Yep

Sirius

How?

Alice

Took an educated guess

And got lucky

And then your idiot mouth confirmed it for me

Sirius

You know what

I don’t even care

Have you seen my fiancé?

His thighs

Alice

That’s my boy!

Can’t wait to spend some time together

Just us

Sirius

Me neither

Love you Al

Alice

Love you too S

 Chapter 6

The Marauders

Prongs

Peeeete

How much longer will you be??

Wormtail

Prongs

I really can’t control

How fast the train is going

Prongs

Ergh

I wish you were here already

Got a mad COTC craving

Wormtail

What?

Prongs

COTC craving

Wormtail

Yeh

Still what?

Prongs

Corn on the cob

Wormtail

How

How would I know that??

Prongs

What else would it be??

 Wormtail

I don’t know!

With you

Could literally be anything!

Padfoot

God ‘Tails

Everyone knows COTC

Moony

Well I didn’t!

Just looked it up

Wish I hadn’t tbh

Wormtail

Annnnd I’m shutting down this convo

Padfoot

Where could we even get COTC

Prongs

Nandos

Moony

Nice

Wormtail

Nice

Padfoot

Sweet

Mega stoked for tonight btw

Hasn’t just been us 4 for ages

 Moony

Isn’t Sam coming?

Wormtail

Nah

Prongs

Awww man!

Didn’t they want to?

Wormtail

I didn’t ask

You claimed we needed a ‘Marauders Meeting’

They looked confused

I couldn’t be bothered to explain

Padfoot

Well that was very rude of you

At this point we’re inviting you

But really its because we want Sam

Prongs

I’m going to text them

They say they’re good

God they’re so cool

You’re so lucky Pete

Wormtail

Yup

Just gone thorough Berwick

You better be at the station to meet me bitches

 Moony

Prongs and I are on our way!

We’ve made a banner

Wormtail

Deep joy

------------------------------

Not Fast, Just Furious

Marly

So

Alice is going up to see Sirius next weekend…

Remy

Yep

Marly

That’s nice for her

Remy

It is

Isn’t it

Marly

Yes

Said they were going suit shopping

Remy

Apparently so

For the wedding

Marly

They must be like

Super good friends

If he’s asked her to help him choose his suit

 Remy

Must be nice to have such a good friend

Marly

Remusss

Remy

Yeh?

Marly

Ergh nothing

I’ve got to get on the tube now

Remy

Have a fun journey home from work!

------------------------------

Lupin Family Chat

Hope

Cariads, would tonight be a good time for a call on The Zoom? Da and I popped over to the barn
earlier, it was set up for a wedding tomorrow, we took photographs for you

Sirius

Oh amazing!

Thank you!

Yeh tonight works, Pete’s up for the night too

So he can have a look

Lyall

Ahh well that works then, The Prongs said he had a few spreadsheet issues that needed ironing out.
Hence the photos

Remus

You do realise you can say no to him right?

And also

Please stop calling him The Prongs

Lyall

Just trying to fit in with the crowd son, I’m cool and hip don’t you know. Oh and while I
remember, an engraved slate cheeseboard is coming for you tomorrow, just in case you’re planning
on going out.

Sirius

Etsy?

Lyall

Yes

Sirius

Dads got a lot to answer for

Hope

Speaking of your father Sirius love. Da and I thought it would be nice if the 6 of us got together for
a family meal before the wedding, it would be lovely to get to know our in laws better.

Remus

I know for a fact

That you are Effy speak on the phone at least twice a week Mummy

But yes

That does actually sound really nice

Lyall

Fantastic, we’ll set it up. Looking forward to seeing the 4 of you later then. Tell The Prongs that I
hope he enjoys his COTC

Remus

FFS

How do you even know about that??

Lyall

A real man doesn’t reveal his secrets

------------------------------

Private Message

Lyall
Monty, it’s done. I got Hopey to suggest it so we’re not implicated.

Monty

Exceptional work, looking forward to spending the evening ‘rinsing’ them. Must brush up on the
old sex ed, nice and embarrassing.

Lyall

I can give you a hand there old man.

Monty

You dirty old codger, Hope Lupin is a lucky lady. I’m looking forward to it.

------------------------------

Not Fast, Just Furious

Marly

You’re a complete wanker

You know that?

Remy

Impolite

Also don’t let Pads here you say that

He gets jealous…

Marly

Course he does

You’re both unhealthily obsessed with each other

Remy

Fair

Marly

Anyway

As if you sent me a fucking biscuit

Asking me to come suit shopping!

Remy

Yay!
 It arrived

Marly

I’ve been in a shitty mood

Ever since Sirius asked Alice

I’m not sure I’ve ever been so jealous

In my whole life

Remy

Oh Marly

Who else would I ask?

Marly

Dunno

Your mum?

Remy

Mum cried when she found out that we’ve got matching socks

that say ‘Mr & Mr fucking fabulous’ with a picture of a rainbow dick on them

There’s no way in hell I’m bringing her suit shopping

Marly

Your dad then

Remy

Da bought the bloody socks!

Marly

Classic Lyall

Remy

Ergh

Monty introduced him to Etsy

And now he keeps sending us all this crap

Marly

I swear those 2 together

Ultimate Power Duo

 Remy

DO NOT

Tell James and Sirius that

They’ll be crushed

Marly

HA!

Remy

Anyhoo

I believe the biscuit asked you a question?

Marly

I hate the stupid biscuit

Remus

Hey!

Well then

The biscuit takes it back

Marly

It can’t

I’ve already eaten it

Remy

Was it yum?

Marly

It really was

You’re not taking the piss are you?

Remy

Marls!

Of course I’m not

Marly

Because I actually had a little cry on the tube

when I thought you weren’t asking

People looked at me

I didn’t have a tissue

Remy

I’m sorry

I thought the biscuit idea was a good one

Marly

You got the idea from you dad didn’t you

It had Etsy written all over it

Remy

Sigh

Yeh

He sent me one

It said

‘If you don’t like gay marriage

Blame straight people

They’re the ones who keep having gay babies’

on it

Marly

Christ

I actually just choked on my water

That is fucking hilarious

Remy

Yes

He was very pleased with himself

Monty sent Pads one

That just said

‘You got that groom, groom pow’

Marly

Outstanding

Remy

Will you though?

Marly

Will I what?

Remy

Come help me choose a suit

Marly

OF COURSE I WILL

Oh Remus

Hate to get emotional on main

But you’re getting married!

To the fucking love of your life

I know I’ve said it like a thousand times already

But I’m so so happy for you

Remy

Thanks Marly

Fuck I know

Every morning

When I wake up

There’s this split second of nothingness

And then I remember that I’m lying next to Sirius Black

Who has my grandfather’s ring on his finger

And all my dreams have pretty much come true

Marly

Gtg

Crying

I love you
 Remy

Love you too

Marly

I’m going to pick the most bomb suit for you

Sirius isn’t going to know what to do with himself

Remy

That’s why you’re my fav

------------------------------

Basic Bitches

Dorcas Ignatia

You ok lover?

You’ve been in there a while

Marlene Elisabeth

Yes

Dorcas Ignatia

You having another Emotional Moment?

About Remus and Sirius

And the big biscuit?

Marlene Elisabeth

Maybe

I feel a bit guilty for eating the whole biscuit

But my period started the morning

So I am also super hormonal

And hungry

Dorcas Ignatia

Oh babe

Don’t feel guilty about the biscuit

Fuck society
Eat all the biscuits

Lils and Als agree

Want me to come for a cuddle?

I can rub your back

Marlene Elisabeth

Yes please

Can you ask Lils if I can borrow her hot water bottle?

Dorcas Ignatia

Already done sugar

 Chapter 7
Chapter Notes

Beauty and the Beast chat gifted from a lovely anon on Tumblr!

My Support Bras

Lils

So

I’m just sat here

Causally watching Beaty and the Beast on J’s Disney plus

And I’ve just realised

I think I might be in love with my very own Gaston

Als

Who’s his Lefou though?

Lils

Hmm

Can’t separate Blupin

Who are obvs Belle and Beast

So Pete I guess?

Als

How dare you

Pete is clearly Cogsworth

He is a gentleman and a scholar

Dorky

Makes sense

Although James is OBVIOUSLY Mrs Potts

 Als

Oh god

Ain’t that the truth

He’s such a mum friend

Marls

Lils

Are you subconsciously making James Gaston

Because you think he’s the most handsome man in the village…

Lils

I hate you

Dorky

Well that’s a yes!

Ahh James Potter

Remember when we all had to hate him?

Those were fun times

Lils

Hey!

You didn’t all have to hate him!

Marls

We kind of did babe

Lils

Yes

Well

He used to be really annoying

Remember on my birthday in second year

When he told us he could juggle

He smashed five mugs

FIVE

Als

OMG that was fucking HILARIOUS

You were so mad!

You went apeshit on his ass

Lils

With good reason!

I mean

Total dick move

Marls

God Lord

I actually can’t breathe

Just the memory of him standing there

In the chaos

And he was just grinning at you

As you lost your shit

Dorky

I just remember Sirius coming over

And patting him on the shoulder

And going

‘that was a really good try Prongs’

Marls

AND HE SAID THANK YOU!

Lils

Idiot

Als
 Don’t play coy with us Lily Evans

I bet that half full bottle of cheap rose that’s in the fridge

That you’re smiling fondly

Lils

Ergh

Enjoy the wine

Bitch.

Als

YAY!

------------------------------

Jily

Lily

Love you

James

Love you too!

Another one for the folder

Lily

Another what for what folder?

James

Oh

Yeh

So

Every time you text with an I love you

I screenshot it

And put it in my Lily Evans loves me folder

Lily

You do not

James

I absolutely do
Lily

How many screenshots do you have??

James

13 now

Lily

Oh

That doesn’t seem like very many

We’ve been together a year

James

Its enough for me

I mean

For a good couple of years

The folder was totally empty

Lily

Jamie

Please don’t tell me

You made this folder

Before we got together

James

Frank says I should say no

So

No?

Lily

Christ

Sometimes I do wonder what I’ve got myself into

James

But you love me

Lily

Yeh I really do
I wanted to talk to you about something

James

Fire away cupcake

Lily

Remember that time

You juggled my mugs?

James

Erm

Was it a sex thing?

Because I don’t remember

But I really really want to

Sounds kinky

Lily

OMG no!

As in you literally tried to juggle all those mugs

And they got smashed?

James

Ah

Yeh

Looking back that wasn’t the best

Although Sirius said it was a really good try!

Lily

Of course you remember him saying that

Anyway

I’m really sorry for yelling at you

And calling you a dickhead

James

Oh

Well that’s ok
 Lets be honest Lils

You called me various things

At various points

Over the years

Lily

I know

I’m really sorry

James

Lilypad

I smashed 5 mugs

Like a complete dickhead

P sure you don’t need to apologise

Lily

Ok

But I want to anyway

I love you

James

14

-------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam

How did you know you wanted to ask Rem to marry you?

Siriusly

Woah

Biiig question there Prongsie

I don’t really know the answer

I just did

Jam
There wasn’t like

A defining moment

Where you were all

‘oh, I’m going to marry that man’

Like in the movies

Siriusly

Nope

It just sort of happened

Jam

But how?

Siriusly

I don’t know!

I was in the garage with Lyall

Helping him get something out the loft

And it just came out

Basically shouted in his face

CAN I MARRY REMUS PLEASE?

You know all of this though??

Jam

Yeh I know

Siriusly

Everything ok?

Jam

Course!

My best mates getting married!

It’s Best Man o’ clock!

Although not so keen on his choice of husband though

Bit of a twat really

Siriusly
 Ok

Well firstly

Intensely rude

And secondly

Deflection at it’s finest

But I’ll let you have it

Jam

Cheers

How did you know he was going to say yes?

Siriusly

I didn’t

But he’d already tried to propose already hadn’t he

When we got back together

after the you know whats

Although I am aware that was mostly delirium talking

Jam

NO KALE FOR MOONY

Siriusly

I guess I figured it wouldn’t be too much of a long shot

Are you sure you’re ok?

You want to come over?

Re’s out

Jam

Yes please

Siriusly

Fab

Bring beer?

Jam

Obviously
 ------------------------------

Stag Do Slayers

James

Peopllllle

We need to sort this shiz

Like ASAP

Alice

I knowww

But every time we try and talk about it

It spirals

And we get sweet f a done

James

But sad face

Moony needs the best stag

It’s Moony guys

MOONY

Monty

Good Lord James

Marlene

James

Why are you even here dad??

You and Lyall left!

Lyall
Lily

They left the other group sweetie

Hi dads!

Monty

Good evening Lily

Are you well?

Lily

Yes thanks!

Monty

Fantastic

Lyall

Hello Lily

Also, ‘Prongsie’

I, like yourself, am a big fan of Remus

But I am sure he will be very happy with whatever you decide to go for Stag wise

And the same applies to ‘Rus. I call Sirius ‘Rus now, neither him or Remus like it.

Marlene

Not going to lie Lyall

I’m not a fan

Pete

Oh God Sirius’ stag is even more difficult!

When I asked him what his favourite thing to do was

He just said Remus!

Sam

Erm…
 Lyall

Classic ‘Rus

Monty

Noice

Frank

Just to let you know

J has just downed a double whisky

and is currently banging his head against the back of the sofa

think he might be having issues

Monty

Fuck you my child is completely fine

Lyall

Sir your child is obsessed with a colour coded wedding spreadsheet and updates it at least 3 times a
day

Dorcas

I swear

I can’t

Alice

HAHAHA Frankie

Perf set up there

Well done babe

Monty

Yes excellent timing Frank. I’ve been wanting to try that out ever since Lyall and myself got a
joint ‘Tick Tock’ account

James

Why the fuck

You know

I don’t even care

Monty

It’s because I am the GOAT

Lyall

And I am Lit

Lyall has left the group

Monty has left the group

Lily

What the hell just happened?

 Chapter 8
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

PB to my J

Moons

Hey

Pads

Hey?

Moons

What you doing?

Pads

Well I’m at work

So

Making money?

Moons

Lol

Pads

You ok?

Moons

Yeh

I’m all good

Pads

Okaaay

Where are you?

Moons

Walking to my phil seminar

Pads

Ahhh
 So texting me to look cool

and avoid social contact?

Moons

Yep

Pads

That’s my fiancé

Moons

Still gets me every time

Pads

Yeh

Same

I love you

Moons

Love you too

More than all the kittens in the sky

Pads

Le GASP

What about Minty??

Moons

Apart from Minty

Obviously

Pads

Good

She’s our baby

What time will you be home?

Moons

About 5ish

Shall I do those pork belly strips for dinner?

 Pads

Sounds good

I think Prongs may well make an appearance

Moons

Fab

There’s enough

Prongs ok?

I thought he was quiet when I got home last night?

Pads

I’m surprised you even noticed he was there tbh…

Moons

Boooo

I wasn’t that drunk

Pads

Remusaur

You absolutely were

I mean

You actually let Prongs

Show you the spreadsheet

And you didn’t freak out

I was very proud

And

Not gonna lie

Low key turned on

Moons

Low key?

Pads

Ok fine

High key
Moons

Damn right

And talking about being turned on

Pads

I’m listening…

Moons

I was thinking this morning in the shower

What do you think

About trying out the no sex thing

Before the wedding?

Pads

Ok

Firstly

How dare you put images of you in the shower in my head

while I’m a work

And secondly

Yeh ok!

How long we thinking beforehand?

Moons

Well I was thinking from now

Pads

Now???

That’s a joke right??

Moons

No!

I think it would be nice

Pads

We obviously have VERY different ideas

Of what nice is
 I mean

Who even are you?

And what have you done with my fiancé?

Moons

Haha

And I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible

Just think how good it’ll be though!

Pads

But its always good!

This convo

Has gone in a direction I AM NOT keen on

I mean I thought we might have been going somewhere with the shower chat

Moons

Randy bugger

Pads

Pot.

Kettle.

Black. (yuk)

Who was it who jumped me as soon as Prongs left last night?

Oh yes

IT WAS YOU

Moons

Touché

But in my defence

You looked like a literal wet dream

Pads

I was wearing my pyjamas

Moons

And?
 Pads

You know what

Yes

Lets do it

No sex until after the wedding

But just so you know

You will def cave before I do

Moons

Bet

Pads

Bring it handsome

Moons

Oh I will

Let’s see what a Good Boy™️ you can be

Pads

Shit

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Rem

Hiya love

Jamie

Re-moose!

You ok?

Hows the hangover

Rem

FFS

I wasn’t that bad!

Jamie
 HAHA

Cute

Rem

You shush your mouth

Jamie

Oooo

He’s feisty this eve

Rem

And don’t you forget it

You still coming for dins?

Didn’t really get to see you last night

Jamie

Obvs!

Well yes

I thought it was best to do one

The way you were looking at Padfoot…

Rem

Can you blame me though?

Jamie

God no

He is one fine specimen of a man

Rem

And fuck me don’t I know it

Anyway

You ok?

I thought you looked a bit down?

Jamie

Nah I’m good

Just life stuff I guess

Rem

Yeh?

Jamie

Yeh

This long distance shit is hard

Rem

Oh James

I bet it is

I know I’m not Sirius

but if you ever want to talk about it

Jamie

I hate it when you say that

Rem

What?

Jamie

‘I know I’m not Sirius’

I don’t want you to be like Sirius

Rem

You know what I mean

Jamie

I know

But don’t

I want you to be like Remus

I need you to be like Remus

Rem

I can do that

What would I do without you Prongs?

Jamie
 Who know Re-moose

Who knows

Anyways yes

Long distance is shit

And I want to ask Lily to marry me

Rem

WOAH

Jamie

Yep.

Rem

James!

What are you doing right now?

Jamie

I’ve just finished labs

Need to go home and shower

Rem

Come here and shower!

We need to talk about this

Immediately!

Jamie

Will you keep me company in the bathroom?

Rem

I’ll get in the bloody shower with you

If you need me to!

Jamie

Will you wash my hair

A la second year Sirius and Remus…?

Rem

Oh fuck off
It worked in the end didn’t it

James

Fair enough

Ok

I’ll be at yours in 10

Rem

Yay!

----------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Alice

Ok

So I’m not saying

That the 4 of us

Have spent the evening

Making a pintrest board of table decorations

But I’m not NOT saying it either

Pete

That hurts my brain a little bit

What?

Marlene

Pete

Oooooo!
 That’s nice!

Marlene

I know!

Totally fits in with the whole barn aesthetic

and the colour scheme is bang on

Lily

I love the wooden tables

Although I feel there should be more fairy lights

Sirius

I do actually quite like the idea

Of just a couple of long tables

Rather than loads of circular ones

Remus

It stops the whole ‘top table’ crap

Which I hate

Dorcas

Yes Remus!

Totes agree with you there

Remus

I might get mum to go and see if they could do that

James

I’m on it!

Added to the spreadsheet

Pete

You’re ringing tomorrow

Pete

Sure

sure

James
Good work #teambridesmaid

Alice

Thank you James!

James

You’re welcome Alice!

Remus

Talking of #teambridesmaid

We need to sort out a date for dress

Or whatever you go for shopping

Marlene

Brb

Might explode

Lily

I’m so excited!

Like literally spend all my time thinking about it

God knows how you two feel

Sirius

Well

I was very excited

Until a certain Remus John Lupin

Decided it would be a fantastic idea

To impose a sex ban

Until the wedding

Pete

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever heard

Dorcas

Alice

Not a chance in hell!

Lily

I’m with ‘Tail on this one

Rem

Really?

Marlene

Ahh you told him!!

I didn’t think you’d actually do it!

One night down

However many more to go!

Sirius

One night down?

I wish!

Marlene

What?

Last night was night one

Sirius

No its not

Tonight is

Marlene
I spoke to Rem yesterday eve

And he said when he got home

He was going to tell you

Which would have made last night

Night one

Sirius

Interrrresting

Re…?

Remus

Marlene

There are approximately

1,010,300 words in the English language

But I could never string enough words together

To properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair right now

Marlene

Wth?

What did I do??

Sirius

Well this is a FASCINATING development

Pete

I’m confused

James

You should see Rem’s face right about now!

He maaaad

Lily
 Why though?

Sirius

Would you like to tell them

What happened when you got home last night gorgeous?

Or should i?

Remus

In my defence

You didn’t have a shirt on when I got home

And those pyjamas are really low slung!

Dorcas

HA!

Alice

Classic Remus

Marlene

Oh Rem

Please don’t tell me

You couldn’t even last one night??

Remus

He’s so fit

I couldn’t help it

James

And by couldn’t help it

He means he looked like he wanted to devour Padfoot whole

And by the looks of his left collar bone

That’s precisely what he did

Pete
 Ahh

Young love

Dorcas

Just think how good it’ll be though!

If you wait

Remus

That’s what I said!

I just needed one last go

To like

See me through

Lily

Oh you know its bad

When Remus starts dropping ‘like’

Remus

Mean

Sirius

It’s always good though

It’s Remus

The literal man of my dreams

I spent 2 miserable years dreaming

And you were the only one

Remus

Babe

Really?

Sirius

Of course Re

It’s you
 Always has been

Remus

Sirius

I love you so much

I want to spend my eternity dreaming about you

Sirius

You don’t have to dream

You have me

Alice

This is so fluffy I wanna die

Marlene

Honestly don’t know

How you keep this up

Like how are you so in love?

James

The Blupins will no longer be responding

They’re busy now

Lily

Bless them

------------------------------

I Do Crew

Pete

Ladies, gents and my one and only

I’ve just had the best idea for a stag…

Chapter End Notes

Quick question:
I'm aware that the updates are no-where near as frequent as they were before so I've
been wondering; would people prefer if I paused updating while I write the rest of the
story and then start updating really regularly or are people happy waiting for updates?
If you've got a preference let me know! X
 Chapter 9
Chapter Notes

Credit to Bkfstclubmember for James stag jokes!

Worming Tablets

Wormy

Right Padfoot

Stag times

Padfoot

Oh lord

Ok

Hit me with it

Wormy

Well that’s just it

Not going to hit you with much

It’ll be more fun this way!

Padfoot

Hmmm

Wormy

Trust in meeeeee

Padfoot

Not entirely sure about this

But alright

Wormy

Good man!

You just need to be ready

At 1pm on Feb 1st

 Padfoot

Where are we going?

Wormy

Yep!

Padfoot

Incredibly unhelpful

Will you like

Send me a list

Of what I need to bring etc

Wormy

Don’t worry about it!

I’ve got you covered

Padfoot

That doesn’t fill me

With massive amounts of confidence tbh

Wormy

Don’t worry your pretty head about it paddywhack

Leave it to ‘Tails

‘Tails knows whats best

Padfoot

Oh god

Why are you talking in the 3rd person

Wormy

It’s alllll good

Padfoot

Are you high?

Wormy

Not as high as you’ll be

On emotions

After this stag weekend

Padfoot

Right

Well this conversation has supplied me with a suitable amount of dread

Wormy

Speak soon!

Padfoot

Yeh ok…

Talk to you later Pete

Wormy

Oh wait!

You’re a size 12 in women’s knickers right?

Padfoot

Oh hell no!

Pete?

WORMTAIL!!

------------------------------

I Do Crew

Pete

I’ve done Padfoot

Was mucho fun

Alice

Haha!

Well done Petey

James
Its all sorted

I rang this morn

Marlene

Perf!

Cheers J

Do we need to send you the cash?

James

Nah

The dads have covered it

Lily

This as well??

Are they sure

James

Dad was pretty insistent

Sam

This is so SO nice of them

I feel guilty

Pete

You get used to it love

Dorcas

Love

I cry

Alice

You can’t talk

I’m 100% sure

I heard you call Marly petal this morn!

 Dorcas

That’s because she’s like a beautiful flower

The rarest of them all

James

So

Are you saying that Sam isn’t like a beautiful flower

Sam

I’m probs ok with that tbh

Pete

They’re not beautiful

Marlene

Pete!

Lily

You take that back right now Pettigrew!

James

Wait for it…

Pete

They’re fucking stunning

That’s what

James

BOOM

My man always delivers

Sam

Hell yeh he does

James

YAS SAM
I knew you were one of us

Alice

A joyous day

Our first Pam sex joke

Pete

Sigh
Are we really going with Pam?

Dorcas

Yes!

Pam ftw!

Frank

I like Pam

It’s like Sam

But with a P for Pete!

Alice

Oh sweetie

We know

Lily

That’s the whole point?

Frank

Oh

OH
What about Blupin?

Oh wait

Marlene
 Bless you Frankie

We do love you

J give him a hug would you?

James

I’m all over that!

No kisses though ☹

Alice

Oh Frank!

Don’t be so cruel

Frank

I don’t wanna

Alice

Frank…

Frank

Ergh

Ok fine

ONE kiss James

That’s it

James

Yay!

Ok

I’m going to text Moony now

Marlene

Amazeballs

Remember

First rule of the stag do is:

James
You don’t talk about the stag do

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jamie

So I’ve been worrying about giving you the best stag

Rem

Prongs

We’ve talked about this

I’m really not fussed on a stag do

REALLY

All I care about

Jamie

Yes yes

All you really care about is marrying Padfoot

He’s the love of your life

Your everything

The best lay you’ve ever had

Blah blah blah

Rem

Hey!

But

Yes

Jamie

LET ME FINISH
so I’ve been worrying about giving you the best stag

But then last night

In the shower

I realised something
I’ve already given you the best stag

ME!

Rem

I see

Jamie

Because I’m Prongs!

Like an actual stag

Get it??

Rem

Yes James

I get it

Jamie

Can’t believe I’ve waited this long

To make that joke

Literally hilarious

Anyhoo

In all siriusness

Since I am the stag

I’m going to give you me for your stag do!

Rem

Alriiight

And what will I do with you?

Jamie

What won’t you do with me

Rem

What?

Jamie

What?
 Rem

Oh good christ

Jamie

Just you and me

Together

For a Fun Time

It’ll be soooo good Moony

Rem

Well

On one hand

Horrendously worried

But on the other

You’re literally the most reliable person

And I trust you with my life

So just tell me where and when

Jamie

25th Jan

I’ll pick you up at 5:30am

Rem

5 in the fucking morning?!

Jamie

The balloon leaves at 6:30

And we need to get there early to check our parachutes

Rem

ABSOLULTEY NOT

Please tell me that’s a joke?

Prongs?

Jamie
Gtg Moony

Got a lecture

Speak later!

Rem

It’s a Saturday you fuck

JAMES!

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Alice

What is F Scott Fitzgerald

Came back up to earth

And said

‘its pronounced Jatsby’

And then just left?

James

Holy Shit

Remus

Fun fact

Gatsby was definitely meant to have a hard ‘g’

Because his name was a pun on ‘gat’

The slang for gun

Alluding to Gatsby’s mysterious

And quite possibly illegal wealth

Sirius

Fuck me you’re hot when you talk dirty like that

Remus

Reader at the time

Considered the pun obvious

Everyone caught it
Until the slang ‘gat’ generally fell out of use

Sirius

Mmmm

Give me more

Marlene

Annnnd I’m breaking this party up

How’s the sexual frustration going Sirius?

Sirius

Ask my hour long shower this morning

Dorcas

And yourself Remus?

Remus

Ask Sirius’ hour long shower this morning

Lily

You guys suck

Sirius

I wish

Remus

I wish

Pete

Boooooo

Alice

You’ve got no-one to blame but yourself Lily

Lily
 You’re right

I’m sorry

I should have known better

Remus

And anyway

We don’t suck!

Sirius

Yeh

It doesn’t count if we’re not touching

Marlene

Whatever you two depraved fucks have been doing

It definitely counts

Sirius

Well how are we to know that!

We need some ground rules

Dorcas

@James

This seems like your sort of thing

James

Why yes Dorko

Thank you!

Blupin

No naked showers together

In fact

No being naked together

Full stop.
Remus

What if we’re not fully naked

Let’s say

Shirts on

Trousers off?

Sirius

Good question Remusaur

Remus

Thank you cariad!

James

Hmmm

I’ll get back to you on that one

Lily

No James!

Listen up Blups

No showers

No baths

No half naked fumbles

No accidental fallings over

No licking

No biting

No sucking

Pants on at all times

Remus

Prrrrongs

Your girlfriends saying things I don’t want to hear

James
I’m afraid she speaks the truth

Pete

You can do it Blupins!

We believe in you!

Anyway

Better go

I’ve got to go order the 14 live Alaskan salmon for Padfoot’s stag

Sirius

I’m sorry

You’ve got to what now?

Alice

Don’t worry about it!

Don’t forget to check on the gas cylinder Pete!

Pete

Ahh good call Al

I’m on it!

Sirius

Can someone PLEASE tell me what’s happening??

 Chapter 10
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The Marauders

Prongs

LADS!

Good luck with the suits today!

Wormtail

Oooo yes

Send pics pls!

Prongs

Yes please!

Alice has just left ours

Said she needed to do your hair first?

Padfoot

I will

And yep!

Wormtail

I hope you’re not letting Moony see??

Padfoot

Nah

I’m chucking him out in a bit

Got Marls as back up

In case he needs to be physically removed

Moony

Which I do NOT appreciate

I just want to be prepared

I swear babe

If you bun your hair

For the wedding

I won’t even try and hold back

Padfoot

Who says I want you too…

Wormtail

The 85 guests

Would probs be grateful if you did

Oh wait

84

Moony

Prongs?

Wormtail

Prongs

Prongs

Hell yeh!

Love seeing my boys in love

Tis my fav

Wormtail

You’re so weird

Prongs

But in like

An incredibly sexy way

Padfoot
 Wormtail

Yes dear

Prongs

The dads still ok for next weekend

To sort them and us BM’s out?

Moony

Far as I know

Will double check

Also

Not sure how I feel about the whole BM’s thing tbh

Wormtail

Yeh

Its not the best J

Prongs

Laaaame

Wormtail

You want us matching Blupin?

Padfoot

Ideally yes

Maybe different coloured cravats

Prongs

And we can still have top hats?

Padfoots

Obviously you’re still having top hats

Moony

I’m not going to win this one am i

Prongs

No!

Padfoot

Nope!

Wormtail

Hate to do this to you Rem

But am also #teamtophat

Moony

Fiiiine

------------------------------

Private Message

Remus added Sirius, Lyall and Monty to the group

Remus

Dads

Just checking we’re still all good for next weekend?

Monty

Remus, my soon to be son-in-law. I am at your behest. I am looking forward to it.

Remus

Great!

Just need to wait to hear from Da

And we can confirm timings etc

 Monty

I can give an affirmative on your Da’s behalf. We’re road trippin’ up together.

Sirius

How come?

That’s a bloody long detour Dad

Lyall

Monty and Effie are staying with us next week

Sirius

Oh really?

That’s so nice!

Lyall

Yes, mum and I are going to show them all the hot spots. The farm shop, the tea room, big tesco.

Remus

Woahhh

Not Big Tesco

Calm down Da

Monty

It’s going to be a hoot. We should be with you by lunch time on Saturday

Lyall

#Teamtophat

Sirius

YES DA!

Monty

Remus
FFS

I see James got to you

I just think it’s going to keep falling off!

My hairs too curly

I’ll have to cut it

Sirius

Errr

I think not

I will cry

Monty

You could Rem, but not too much. Sirius still needs something to grab hold off.

Sirius

Dad!

I’m serious

Lyall

Monty, you must.

Monty

Serious? I thought you were gay!

Lyall

Remus

Dads

That was appalling

Monty

It wasn’t my best, but we saw it on a tweet and made a note to try it out.
 Sirius

Of course you did

Lyall

And we have many, many more ‘Rus.

Sirius

Da

I’m begging you

Stop with the ‘Rus

Monty

‘Rus. Hmm. Interesting.

Sirius

FML

Not you too

Lyall

Look, let us be perfectly queer about something

Remus

Oh God

What are you two on??

Lyall

Don’t interrupt your father Remus John, it’s rude. As I was saying, look, let us be perfectly queer
about something

Remus

You don’t even have anything to add to that

Do you?

Lyall

Take off your clothes because you’ve hit the spot.

Remus

This is just the worst

Sirius

And on that note Dads

I love you both

But it’s time to get my suit shopping on!

Monty

Pictures for the mothers please ‘Rus. And maybe a cheeky little shot for old Remus there. Throw
him a bone on this fine Saturday morning.

Sirius

Christ

BYE

Remus

‘Throw me a bone’

I can’t even

See you next Sat Dads

Monty

Have a super day boys! I’m so very proud of you. Love you both.

Lyall

Wait, Remus. We’ve just got one more question for you.

Remus
Erghhh

Go on then

I’ll bite

Monty

If ‘Rus has gone out…

Remus

Hugely concerned about where this is going

But continue

Lyall

If ‘Rus has gone out, and you’re all alone in your house

Monty

All alone in your house, and gay.

Lyall

Does that mean you’re homolone?

Remus has left the group

Monty

Well that’s not very nice!

------------------------------

PB to my J

Pads

Re

Don’t hate me

But

Homolone
I actually snorted

Moons

Im aware

I heard as you shut the front door

Traitor

Pads

It was funny!

Moons

I’ll give you funny

Pads

I wish you bloody would

Three time I tried this morning

THREE

I was sure you were going to crack in the kitchen

Moons

Nope

I am an impenetrable force

Pads

If you say so

Also

On a completely and entirely unrelated note

I’m really feeling this plait

That Alice put my hair into this morning

Moons

Plait?

Like

A French plait?

Pads

Yep
Reallllllly similar to that one

She did last Halloween

Remember that?

We went out I think

Clubbing maybe?

Ah yeh

That’s right

I was dressed as a slutty slutty wolf

Its all coming back to me

Moons

Fuck you play dirty

Pads

You’re never going to last Lupin

Moons

Try me sweetheart

Pads

Christ

Oh it’s on

------------------------------

Private Message

Alice

Rem

Not to rub you up the wrong way

But

you should see your fiancés’ arse

in

these

trousers

Remus
 I swear Alice

I will block you

Alice

Hey!

I was trying to be nice!

Remus

Suuuuurre

Alice

You once told me

That Sirius’ arse was so fine

That you would destroy all chairs

Just so he would sit that ass on your face

Remus

God good Alice

I absolutely did not!

Alice

You did!

Remus

I definitely didn’t

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Alice

Guys

Back me up

Didn’t Remus once say

That Sirius’ arse was so fine

That he’d destroy all the chairs

Just so Sirius would sit on his face

 Lily

Good LORD Al!

James

MOONY

You dirty bugger!

Marlene

Not gonna lie

I’m sort of proud

Remus

Oh my god Alice

I didn’t say that!!

Pete

I mean I can see you saying it tbh

But I don’t actually remember it happening

Remus

First off

And secondly

You don’t remember me saying it

Because it never happened!

Dorcas

Sirius does have a nice arse though

Lily

Oh hell yeh he does

Remember when we first met him ladies??

Alice

OMG yes!

That was SO funny

Remember the bet??

Marlene

HAHA!

Ahhhh memories

Who’d have thunk Rem would have won that

James

What happened??

What bet?

And Flower

You don’t think it’s nicer than mine right?

Lily

Oh James honey

Yeh

Yeh I do

James

Oh god

My heart

Pete

Lillyyy

We’re never going to hear the end of this now

Big sigh

Also

I’m confused

What bet?

Remus
And how did I win?

I don’t remember being part of a bet

Just like I don’t remember saying

That I wanted Sirius to sit on my face!

Sirius

What am I missing here??

Alice

Ah yay

You’re changed

Remember that time

When Rem said

That your arse was so sublime

He’d destroy all chairs

So you had to sit on his face?

Remus

Babe

You know how I feel about your arse

But I swear I didn’t say that!

Sirius

Ah

Alice

Maybe have a rethink

About who said what

Alice

Oh wait

Shit

Lily

It was Sirius who said it

Wasn’t it

Alice

No!

Maybe

Marlene

Sirius!

James

Get it Paddy!

You get your man

To sit on your face!

Remus

Oh cariad

Really?

Sirius

In my defence

I’d had too much red wine

And you were wearing those blue cords

Which you know drive me fucking crazy

Your fucking thighs

Remus

Oh no you misunderstand

That’s so sweet
 I’ll sit on your face any time

You know that

Dorcas

Good God

Overshare Blupin

Overshare

James

Aren’t they just the cutest?

Anyway

This has been fun

But I’ve got to go and order

That glow in the dark body paint

For Moony’s stag

Pete

Ah nice!

That’s reminded me about the bamboo canes

Cheers Prongs

James

Any time Petey!

Remus

Body paint???

Sirius

Bamboo canes???

Chapter End Notes

Thank you so much for the feedback re: posting. It’s definitely taken the pressure off
and I feel much better about writing this!
 Chapter 11

‘Marleeeene,’ Remus whined from behind the curtain, ‘Tell me what the bet was about.’

‘No,’ Marlene answered, not looking up from her phone, ‘It’s secret girls’ stuff.’

‘Yes, but it was about my boyfriend’s arse so I have a right to know!’

‘No, you don’t. And anyway, he wasn’t your boyfriend at the time.’

Remus huffed and stuck his head out the side of the changing room curtain, ‘He basically was.’

Marlene looked up, eyebrow raised, ‘What me to tell Gid to tell Fabian you said that?’ Remus
gave her a scowl and his head disappeared from view. She laughed, ‘Come on Rem, it’s funny!’

‘It’s not! That joke’s getting really old and it makes me sound like a terrible person.’

‘Remus,’ Marlene said her voice softening, ‘No-one think you’re a terrible person. We just all
think it’s funny that looking back it took and Sirius two years to get together when you’re
obviously made for each other, it’s a complement.’

‘Ugh, whatever,’ Remus said, pulling back the fitting room curtain and stepping out into the room,
‘What do you think?’

‘Ooo, that’s nice!’ Marlene jumped up from the plush velvet chair she’d been lounging in, ‘I like
that more than the first one.’

‘Yeh me too,’ Remus said twisting round to look in the huge mirror opposite, ‘It’s a bit more fitted
I think, it’s really comfy.’

‘Walk up and down a bit,’ Marlene instructed.

Remus began to walk up and down the room and Marlene nodded in approval, ‘Now slut drop.’

‘What, why?!’ Remus spluttered.

‘Do you want to know whether the seams are going to split when you’re dancing now or mid-way
through your wedding?’

‘Fine,’ Remus dropped to the floor and then rolled his body back up and gave Marlene a pointed
look, ‘Happy?’

‘Very,’ Marlene smirked, ‘You look good and I reckon you’ll be ok dancing in it.’

Remus shrugged, ‘I guess so. I’m not planning on doing a lot of dancing though so that doesn’t
really matter.’

Marlene snorted, ‘Where have I heard that before? Don’t look at me like that! Rem, the number of
times you’ve told me you don’t really do dancing and then within five minutes you’re on the dance
floor grinding all over Sirius.’

‘Hey!’

‘Tell me I’m wrong?’

Remus didn’t say anything, instead snapping the braces that were stretched over his chest, ‘I like
the braces.’

‘Me too,’ Marlene agreed, ‘They look hot. Try that waistcoat over the top.’

------------------------------

‘I like it,’ Alice declared, ‘The colour looks fucking fantastic on you. I love those contrasting
lapels,’

‘Hmm,’ Sirius looked at his reflection in the mirror, ‘I’m not sure. Do you think it’s a bit too
fashionable?’

‘No!’ Alice said, ‘Honestly I think it looks great. It’s different but not totally weird.’

‘I’m not sure about the shirt,’ Sirius said, pulling at the collar, ‘I don’t think it goes.’

‘Ok,’ Alice said, walking over to the long hanging rail which was standing in the corner and full of
shirts in all different colours, ‘I’ll have a look.’

She began to flick through the clothing with one hand, the other holding a glass of champagne
before stopping at a blue, floral patterned one. She pulled it out and held it out towards Sirius,
‘What about this one?’

Sirius screwed up his face with a look of disdain, ‘Definitely not.’

‘Why not?!’ Alice said, ‘I think it’s cool.’

‘No.’

‘Suit yourself,’ she put the shirt back and carried on looking, pulling a few more off the rail and
holding them up to inspect them, before putting them back. She wandered back over to Sirius and
looked him up and down. ‘Do the jacket buttons up.’

Sirius did as he was told and she hummed approvingly, ‘Nice. Come here.’

Sirius took a step towards her and she reached up to undo the first two buttons of the shirt. He
looked at her, ‘Not a bit casual?’

Alice didn’t say anything, moving back and giving him a shrewd look. ‘Okaaay,’ she started
slowly, ‘You’re going to think I’m crazy buuut,’ she paused to take a sip of her champagne, ‘Try it
without a shirt.’

‘What? Without a shirt completely?!’

‘Yes.’

‘Alice, I can’t get married without a shirt on.’

‘Just try it Sirius. Please. Please, please, please pl…’

‘Oh my god ok,’ Sirius said, stripping off his jacket and handing it to her. She gave a self satisfied
smile as he began to undo the buttons on the shirt, letting it slip from his shoulders and onto the
floor before snatching the jacket out of her hands and shrugging it back on.

‘Do up the buttons again.’ There was a short pause while Sirius fumbled with the buttons. ‘Oh my
God!’ Alice breathed starring at him, ‘One more thing, take your hair down.’

‘Really? Re likes it up.’

‘I know but just trust me.’

Sirius hesitated slightly before reaching round and tugging the tie free from the end of the plait his
hair was currently in and Alice began to run her fingers through it, separating the dark strands.

‘Sirius,’ she said seriously, ‘Remus is going to lose his fucking mind. You look incredible!’

Sirius was silent for a moment, starring at his reflection in the mirror, ‘Fuck, you’re right. This
looks really, really good.’ He ran his hands down the dark velvet lapels.

‘Told you!’ Alice said happily, passing Sirius his glass, ‘Drink up lover boy, we’ve found you your
wedding outfit!’

She held out her own glass and Sirius clinked his against it. They both drank deeply, and Alice
grabbed to bottle to refill them.

‘With these shoes?’ Sirius asked, looking down at his feet.

‘With those shoes,’ Alice agreed.

‘Well that’s sorted then isn’t it!’ Sirius said, sounding very pleased.

‘Easy. Now, want to bend over so I can take a picture and send it to Remus?’

Sirius grinned at her.

------------------------------

Cool Name Pending

Ali

How are you getting on??

I think we’re done!

Marly

Same!

Tell it to me straight Alice

How hot does Black look?

Ali

So. Hot.

I’m not gonna lie

Like Rem is going to lose his mind hot

Marly
 Knew it

Don’t tell me what he went for!

I want it to be a surprise

Ali

All I’ll say

Is that it’s classic Sirius

Traditional, but with a twist

Marly

Ahhh!

I’m so excited!

Ali

What about Remus?

I bet he’s gone full traditional

Marly

Yep

But there’s still a little bit of a Remus flair

I bet Sirius’ is gonna cry when he sees him

Ali

I wouldn’t take that bet

Tears a plenty I think

I bet he looks so good

Give me a hint of what he’s gone for

Marly

One word

Braces

Ali

Fit.

Marly

Yep
 Shall we do it then?

Ali

Oh Absolutely

------------------------------

Private Message

Alice

Hi Big Dill!

Remus

Oh god

Not you again

Alice

Hey!

And just when I’ve got something

I’m pretty sure you’re going to be VERY interested in…

Remus

Rly?

Actually

Nope

nope nope nope

I don’t want to see

I will not be sabotaged by a Little Pickle

Alice

HAHAHAH!

Oh BD

You’re so funny

Remus

I mean it Alice

I'm hanging on a knife edge as it is

Alice

Ughhh fiiiiine

I remember when you used to be fun

I won’t send it them

Remus

I'm pretty sure

if you did

it would be game over

bet wise

How’s my man doing?

Alice

He’s all good!

We’re about to have lunch

He says he misses you

Remus

Tell him I miss him too

And that I love him lots

And that I’m really excited to marry him

Alice

Done!

He basc swooned

Remus

He’s so lovely

Alice

God you two are so CUTE

Anyway

As you don’t want my photo

I’m going to go

I’ve got lunch time drinking to you

Laters BD

Remus

Bye LP

Alice

Remus

Oh.

Wow.

Alice

Yeeeeh

Just a little snap

Of one of the rejected suits

You should see him

in the one he's gone for

That picture

has nothing on that

Remus

I've changed my mind

I need a photo

I need all the photos

Alice

Oh Big Dill
Not a chance

------------------------------

Private Message

Marlene

As for some god forsaken reason you are doing this weird no texting thing today

Remus would like me to tell you

That he thinks you’re the fittest bloke alive

Sirius

My handsome man

Tell him he must be getting confused

Because he’s honestly the hottest thing

To have ever walked the earth

Marlene

He says he disagrees

And that you look like

You’ve been carved out of marble

By the gods

Sirius

WELL

Tell him that

Marlene

You know what

I love you both

But I might put a stop to this

Before it gets out of hand

Sirius

Yeh

That’s fair
 Is he ok?

Marlene

Yes Sirius

Remus is absolutely fine

Sirius

Promise?

Marlene

I promise

We’re about to have lunch

Sirius

Remind him he needs to drink lots of water

He doesn’t want that headache he had last night coming back

Marlene

I shall administer the water myself

Sirius

Cheers bb

Give him a kiss from me

Marlene

Have done

A big smacker on the lips

He was not a fan

Sirius

Ha!

That’s because my kisses are the best

Marlene

He says your kisses are the only ones worth anything

God you two are insufferable

Sirius
 Nah

You love it

Marlene

Sigh

Yeh

Yeh I do

Right

Better go

Lunch time drinking to do

Sirius

Indeed

I’m off to necko the prosecco

Speak Later M

Marlene

In a bit

Oh wait a sec

I totally forgot something

Sirius

Fuck me

Are those braces???

Those trousers look tight

Oh god

My mouth is actually watering

I need a close up

Marlene!!

What have you done???

Why can't I zoom in??
 Chapter 12

‘You’re home!’ Sirius exclaimed happily, making grabby hands at Remus as he walked into the
living room. Remus kicked off his boots and walked towards him smiling and allowed himself to
be pulled down into Sirius’ lap.

‘Love you,’ Sirius said placing his two hands on either side of Remus’ face and beginning to cover
it in kisses. Remus giggled and ran his hands up Sirius’ arm, stopping at his shoulder and then
reaching his two thumbs out to rub gently along Sirius’ collar bones through his shirt.

Next to them on the sofa Alice looked at them in disgust before turning to Marlene who was
wobbling slightly in the corner as she tried to undo the laces of her heels. ‘Marlene, you’re home!’
Alice exclaimed loudly, making her own grabby hands as Marlene came over grinning and then
collapsed onto her lap and proceeded to kiss her loudly, all over her face.

Both Sirius and Remus stopped what they were doing to glare at the two girls.

‘What?’ said Alice innocently, ‘I missed my bestie.’ She gave Marlene another peck on the lips.

‘You just ignore them Remusaur,’ Sirius said soothingly, pressing a hand to Remus’ cheek to turn
his face back towards his, ‘They’re just jealous.’

‘Obviously,’ Remus said haughtily, throwing Alice and Marlene one last dirty look before
focussing his attention back on Sirius, ‘I missed you today.’

‘I missed you too. I didn’t like the no texting.’

‘Me neither,’ Remus agreed, ‘Let’s not do that again.’ He leaned in to give Sirius a proper kiss and
Sirius’ slid his hands down Remus’ back and jammed them into the back pockets of his chinos and
gave his arse a squeeze.

‘I missed this too.’

‘Not as much as I missed this,’ Remus fired back instantly, running his fingers through Sirius’ hair,
‘You look gorgeous today.’

‘You look gorgeous every day.’ Sirius caught Remus for another kiss, ‘You’re the best thing
that’s ever happened to me.’

‘And you’re…’

‘OH MY GOD MARLENE!’ Alice shrieked suddenly, making both boys jump.

They looked over to Marlene, still sat on Alice’s lap with a hand clutched over her mouth as she let
out a loud groan of pain.

‘Fuck, what’s wrong?’ Sirius said, clearly alarmed shoving Remus off his lap and standing up,
‘What happened?!’

Marlene just groaned again and rolled off Alice onto the floor.

‘Marlene?’ Remus said, sounded panicky bending down to try and tug her hand away but he got no
reply as she rolled onto her front, hiding her face from view.
Remus looked back at Alice, panic written all over his face. ‘It’s her teeth,’ Alice said gravely,
‘They’ve all fallen out because you two are so sickeningly sweet.’

‘Mmm hmm,’ Marlene’s muffled voice came from the carpet as she nodded her head.

‘Yep,’ Alice popped the ‘p’, ‘She’s in horrible, horrible pain and it’s all your fault.’

‘Fuck you,’ Remus deadpanned, sticking his foot under Marlene’s side, and rolling her over. She
looked up at him and gave him a toothy grin. He shoved his socked foot in her face and she
scrambled up.

‘Fuck me that really scared me!’ Sirius said flopping back into the sofa, ‘Why are you even here
again? I honestly thought there was something wrong!’

Both girls burst our laughing.

‘I swear you two save this lovey dovey shit up for when there are people around. Like surely no-
one can be this in love all the time?’ Marlene asked between giggles as she sat down heavily next
to Sirius and patted him on the cheek. He flushed,

‘I reserve my right to remain silent. Also, I hate you both.’

‘You absolutely do not,’ Alice said, ‘At lunch, and I quote, you said ‘Alice you’re the best friend I
could ever have in the whole wide world ever and I love you so much, even more than Remus.’ Or
something like that anyway. I forget the exact words.’

‘Hey!’ Remus cried looking put out just as Sirius said, ‘I bloody well did not!’

‘Don’t listen to her gorgeous,’ Sirius looked up at Remus, ‘You’re my best friend and I love you
the most.’

‘Good.’

‘I need more wine,’ Marlene huffed, ‘All this love is killing my lunch time prosecco buzz.’ She
got up and began wandering towards the kitchen.

‘If we’re staying in the rest of the night I’m going to go and put my pyjama bottoms on,’ Remus
said looking pointedly at Sirius and gesturing towards their bedroom.

Alice raised her eyebrows at him, ‘Need help with that do you Rem?’ Remus opened his mouth to
answer but she carried on, ‘Go on Lothario,’ she turned to Sirius, ‘Lover boy needs help getting his
flies undone.’

‘Yep, I’m out,' Sirius said taking Remus’ proffered hand and peeling himself off the sofa, ‘Don’t
wait for us to start the booze, we’ll be 5 minutes.’

‘Ha! Yeh, alright,’ Alice called after the two off them as the disappeared out into the hallway,
‘Don’t forget lads, no biting, no licking and no sucking!’

------------------------------

‘Make them go away,’ Remus whined as his shut the bedroom door behind him and proceeded to
press Sirius back against it, ‘We could have been getting naked on the sofa a quarter of an hour
ago.’

‘Mmm, that sounds like something I would very much like to do,’ Sirius replied, tipping his head
up to kiss Remus on the mouth, biting gently on his lower lip and then sucking it into his mouth for
a moment. He pullled away, ‘But you know the rules Rem, no naked times until the wedding.’

‘Ugh,’ Remus thumped his forehead against Sirius’, ‘What prat made that stupid rule.’

Sirius laughed, rubbing their noses together, ‘A big prat. Who looks fucking fine in braces by the
way.’

‘What? How do you know about the braces?’

‘Marlene sent me a photo. Can you have a braces kink? Because I definitely think I have a braces
kink. And those trousers Re, fuck you looked hot.’

‘Hot enough to break you?’ Remus murmured, placing hot, open mouth kisses down Sirius’ neck
and sliding a thigh in between his legs.

Sirius groaned, breath stuttering as he grabbed Remus’ hips, pulling them firmly against his, and
then moving his hands round to Remus’ arse, dipping his fingers into the waistband of his chinos.

Remus made a throaty noise of approval, grinding against Sirius more insistently as he dragged a
hand through Sirius hair, tugging lightly at the ends to angle Sirius’ face upwards.

Sirius looked back at him as he pushed Remus away just enough that he could slip a hand down to
Remus’ crotch, running his fingers over the bulge in the fabric, feeling Remus’ breath hitch as he
pressed down, hard.

Sirius leaned back in, closer, his lips barely grazing Remus’, ‘Not a fucking chance Lupin.’
 Chapter 13

My Support Bras

Lils

@Marls

@Als

How goes it in chez bloops?

Marls

Totally read that as boobs

God I love boobs

Dorko

I can take them or leave them tbh

Marls

They’re not your fav are they

Dorko

Nope

I mean

Don’t get me wrong

I’m not anti-boob

I just prefer a nice bum

Als

Both?

I like both

Lils

I’m a fan

Very practical

You know

Biology wise
 Marls

I just like that they’re squishy

Anyway

You’d be hard pressed to find any boobs on the reg

At chez bloops

Als

Ha!

Hard…

Dorko

Oh dear

Like that is it?

Marls

Little bit

Als

They’ve gone to ‘get changed’

There’s been a fair bit of moaning

For getting changed

Lils

Classic Blupin

Clearly boning

#sexbanfail

Dorko

They really have no filter huh

Even after all this time

Suit success all round though yes?

Marls
 Yes!

Think so anyway

Lils

Ahhhh

I’m so excited

I wanna see

But at the same time don’t want to?

Als

Saaaaame

Well not Sirius obvs

But Rem

Dorko

I want it to be a surprise!

Unless we need to know for bridesmaid stuff etc

Lils

Oh yeh

Hadn’t thought of that

Their call then I guess

Marls

Ummm

About bridesmaid stuff

I MAY have tried a few things on today…

Als

Since when??

Marls

Lillllyyy
 Alice just hit me

Do something

Lils

No dice Marls

How dare you have bridesmaid fun without us!

Marls

Remus made me!

I can’t say no to one of the actual grooms!

Dorky ☹

Dorko

This depends

What did you try on

and can I have pictures?

Marls

Dorko

Wow

Lils

You’re so pretty

Marls

It was a pretty dress

Remus picked it

Although he did say that him and Sirius haven’t actually talked about bridesmaids stuff yet
 Think they’re happy for us to lead

Als

And talking about Remus and Sirius

Guess who’s just come in

Decidedly UNruffled…

And looking fucking smug

Dorko

Oooooppp

Someone’s been left hanging

Erm

I can’t call it

Lils

I’m going to go for Remus

No

Sirius

No

Remus

Marls

Lol

Hilarious

Twas Sirius

Lils

Well colour me impressed

Als

Rem’s sexual frustration is strong

Hes just shouted

Bite me Lupin
 Down the hall

Sirius did a happy wiggle

Lils

LUPIN

Cute

Marls

When are they not these days

Switching to GC

We can outfit chat

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Sirius

Ladies

I am in an EXCEPTIONALLY chipper mood

So any rogue bridesmaid requests

Hit me with them now

Tbh I’m probs just going to say yes

James

YES PADDY

Chipper Sirius is my fav

Is chipper Moony there too??

I also love him

Remus

He is not

Chipper Moony has fucked right ff

James

But why??

The suits are all done

I’m spoken to both mums

 Had a little cry with them over the pictures

Good day all round!

Remus

Ergh

Marls

Ha!

Quit your whining Rem

Pete

What’s wrong with Moony?

Als

Sirius wouldn’t put out

Sirius

He’s having a sulk

Aren’t you Remusaur

Lils

Highly amusing

Oh Remus

Never before has someone

Shot themselves in the foot

With such force

This bet was your idea!

Remus

Well it seemed like a good idea at the time

And I’m not having a sulk!

Marls

Refusing to come out of your room?

Sulk moves Rem

Sulk moves

Remus
I’m not sulking!

I just can’t come out of my room

For other reasons

Sirius

He’s got a massive boner!

I did that!

Pete

And I take it you’re proud of yourself

Sirius

Very!

James

Good for you mate!

Although soz about the boner Moony

Remus

:(

Dorcas

Poor Remus

You turn that frown upside down

Remus

The ‘(‘ would still look the same

due to its horizontal symmetry

:(

Dorcas

You reflect that frown

Along its vertical axis

Remus
:)

Dorcas

There you go!

Pete

Huh

Marlene

Is it just me

Or anyone else a bit turned on by that exchange

Sirius

Yeh

Little bit

My boyfriends so clever

Remus

And mine’s a fucking harpy

Sirius

Mmmm

Love it when you talk dirty to me

Remus

Enough to come back and finish what you started?

Pete

Do I need to be here?

Like

Can I leave?

Alice

Be grateful ‘Tails
 I’ve got to sit through this in the flesh

And we’re supposed to be talking about bridesmaids dresses

Sirius

Outfits

Doesn’t have to be a dress

Lily

Ooooo

Really?

Dorcas

Do you have a colour in mind?

James

No not particularly

I guess just bear in mind

That the scheme is silver, sage green with rose pink accents

So ideally it would fit in the with that

But a neutral would also work

So black, beige etc

A nice oyster would work

Or a champagne

Pete

The fuck is oyster??

James
Pete

Oh nice

James

Yeh I thought so

I've got loads of examples hyperlinked in the spreadsheet

different styles, colours etc

Have a look!

I don’t think white though

Everyone’s doing that now

The whole bridesmaids in white at the gay wedding

It’s nice and all

But we need to make more of a statement

This isn’t your run of the mill wedding

This is Sirius and Remus

It needs to be special

Lily

Unless they want us in white of course…

James

Oh

Yeh sure
 Dorcas

Blupin?

Marls

Ummm

Not sure how to put this delicately

There’s been a bit of an incident

Pete

Oh God

Why can I already see where this is going

James

Moony’s put on the grey jogging bottoms?

No shirt?

Alice

How the HELL did you know that?

Pete

Classic Rem power move

They basically render Padfoot mute

Marls

They’re freakin obscene

Like you can see everything

EVERYTHING

Pete

Yup

Alice

It really is just all hanging around down there

Isn’t it
 James

Oh yeh

I mean

If you’ve got it flaunt it

Pete

Fair warning

If the trackies come out

Things are normally about to get loud

Alice

Yeh

We figured as much

They’re currently necking on the sofa

Sirius has his hands jammed down said trackies

Marlene

Should we like

Remind them that we’re here?

James

Probs won’t much difference

I’d just enjoy the show

Have some more wine

Get a snack!

Lily

Rly babe?

James

They stop eventually

 or take it elsewhere

Wormy and I usually do the crossword

while we wait

Dorcas

I do worry about you James

James

LIVE LAUGH LOVE

 Chapter 14
Chapter Notes

I'm trying something - I hope you don't hate it!

Jily

Lily

Thought I might come up this weekend?

James

Yeh if you want

Lily

Yeh?

James

Sure

I’ll pick you up from the station

Lily

Ok

I don’t have to

James

Don’t have to what?

Lily

Come up this weekend

James

No do

Sorry

Just working out timings and stuff

Lily

Oh shit I forgot
You’re doing suits and stuff this weekend are you

James

Yeh

On Sat

And on Sun morn me and Padfoot have rugby

Lily

Maybe I won’t then

Seems a bit pointless

James

No it’s not!

We can do something Fri night

and dad would love to see you

Plan is to go out for dinner on Sat eve

Lily

But we wouldn’t have any time just us

James

Sunday afternoon?

Lily

I’d need to get a 3ish train

This looks like I’m being really difficult

James

Yeh little bit if I’m honest

Lily

I just miss you

James

I miss you too

And surely seeing each other

Even with other people around

Is better than not seeing each other at all?

Lily

Yeh I guess

I’ll have a think

James

Ok

Well I want you to come

I always want to see you

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam

Mate

How keen are you for ruggers this weekend?

Siriusly

Pretty keen

But I’m guessing

From the fact that you’re asking

That you’re not?

Jam

No I am

Siriusly

Buuuuut…

Jam

Lily

Siriusly

Ah

Need chats?

Jam

Nah
I’m good

Siriusly

You’re obvs not though

Jam

No

I’m just not in a very good mood

Siriusly

Ok

Well

Maybe have a banana

And sit outside for a while?

Jam

Yeh maybe

Siriusly

Oh Prongs

I don’t like you like this

What’s up?

Jam

Broken record but

This long distance shit is doing my head

Siriusly

Babe ☹

I literally can’t imagine

I mean

You saw me when it was just a remote possibility with Moons

I don’t know how you’re doing it

Jam

I’m just so tired of it

Just
Every weekend

Working out who’s going where

And its costing a fucking fortune

Siriusly

It’s worth it though right?

Jam

Course

I don’t know

Siriusly

J you’re freaking me out

What do you mean you don’t know??

This time last week we were looking up princess cut emeralds

Jam

I know

And I want that

So much

But unless she moves up here

We’ve got to do this for the next 3 years

Minimum

Siriusly

Lils seems pretty chill about it though?

Jam

She said she’d come up this weekend

And we’ve obvs doing wedding stuff

And I swear she got funny with me

Siriusly

Oh

That sucks balls

Jam
It really really does

Siriusly

Well its not like it’ll be the end of the world if you miss rugby Sunday will it?

Jam

No

But I don’t want to have to spend the next three years

Having to not do stuff

Rugby was supposed to be our thing we do

I don’t want to bail

I’m already going to be missing every other weekend

Siriusly

I don’t know what to suggest

I guess to keep the peace miss this Sunday

but I do get you

it’s the principle

Jam

Exactly

Errrrgh

You and R around for a pint this eve?

Siriusly

Yup

Get Frank involved

Jam

Will do

Siriusly

It’ll work out J

Promise

Love you

Jam
I bloody well hope so

Love you too

------------------------------

PB to my J

Pads

I love you so much

Moons

I love you too

Pads

No literally

I love you so much

I miss you when I close my eyes to blink

Moons

When you get home from work

I still get butterflies when I see you

I still can’t believe I got this lucky

Pads

I need a hug

I’m sad

Moons

Oh babe!

What’s wrong?

Pads

James is sad

About Lily

Moons

Oh no
 Why??

Pads

Long distance stuff

I knew he was finding it hard

Well he told you too didn’t he

But it’s really getting to him

Moons

Lily too I imagine

That’s proper shit

We seeing him this eve?

Pads

Yeh

Him and Frank are coming round to us

See how he is

Might go for a drink

Moons

Good idea

He’s in labs the afto

Might give him a ring

See if he wants a coffee bringing

Pads

Good idea

You’re so lovely

Moons

And you are the reason I wake up smiling

Will be with you in 15

Pads

Oh??

What for?
 Moons

Your hug you silly possum

Pads

Uh my heart

You are the best almost husband in the entire world

Moons

And I’ll only ever be yours

------------------------------

The Marauders

Padfoot

Wormy!

We need you

Prongs is sad

Wormtail

No!

James!

Whats up sugar?

Prongs

I’m ok

Just not in a very good mood

Wormtail

Have you had a banana?

And sat outside for a bit?

Prongs

Yeh

It did cheer me up a bit

Moony

I’m telling you

 It always does!

Wormtail

Remember in first year

When that was Rem’s go to

For any and every problem

Padfoot

I got through a shit ton of bananas

Prongs

You and Rem just chowing down on all the nanas

With your bloody pining

Moony

Hey!

Padfoot

Hey!

Wormtail

Wheres the lie though?

Anyway

What’s up J?

Prongs

I’m ok

Just being a bit of a wet piece of cake

Wormtail

I don’t like this

Need me to call?

Prongs

Nah

It’s just Lily stuff

Long distance etc etc

Wormtail

Ahh mate

I’m sorry

Prongs

It’ll work out

I mean it’s got to hasn’t it

Moony

Course it will Jem

It’s Lily

You’re literally made for each other

I know it’s easy for me to say

But you’ve just got to ride this out

It’ll get better

Prongs

Yeh I know

Padfoot

But keep talking to us yeh?

Don’t do a me and stew

Prongs

I will

Talk I mean

Wormtail

And to Lily too

Prongs

Yes sir

Moony
 You want a birthday cake cookie?

Prongs

Umm YES PLEASE

Moony

Ok

Just leaving Pads’ office

Gimme 20

Padfoot

You’re in for a treat

Moons’ hug game is strong today

Womtail

Aww man

Luckyyyy

Prongs

ily guys

Moony

Its always ily

and never tmabwiotbtmybfitmbowiseaiwhtbmw

Padfoot

*gasp*

Remus Moony John Lupin

You better not have done

Moony

Ummmm

Wormtail

I don’t get it

Prongs
Oh Wormy

Tmabwiotbtmybfitmbowisea

To meet a beautiful woman is one thing,

but to meet your best friend in the most beautiful of women

is something entirely apart.

Padfoot

YES PRONGS

Wormtail

Yeh

Wtf?

Padfoot

Bridgerton Pete

Bridgerton

And if Moony has watched the next one without me…

Moony

I couldn’t help it!

I promise to pretend I haven’t seen it

Padfoot

I can’t believe you’ve betrayed me like this

Prongs

Oh Remus

Low blow

Wormy

Yeh

God Rem

How could you

 Moony

I’m sorry!

Pads?

Prongs?

Wormy?

GET BACK HERE AND LOVE ME

 Chapter 15

I Do Crew

Pete

Right

part of one of #Blupinstag

is well underway

Reckon its time to crack on with phase 2?

Marlene

Absofuckinglutely

Also talking of phase one

Rem is high key stressed

About having to jump out of the balloon

He keeps going on about it

Dorcas

HAHAHA!

Poor Remus

Pete

Unsurpisingly

Padfoot has run with it

He now keeps sending me nudes

Of himself in pairs of knickers

And asking what I think

Alice

Classic ‘Rus

Bet he looks well hot though

Pete

When doesn’t he
And he bloody knows it too

James

I have also been getting those selfies

Last one was a 6/10

Didn’t like the peach colour

Pete

Oh I thought it was quite classy!

Lily

You both really need to stop being so invested

Dorcas

Remus doesn’t think Sirius is the fittest

James isn’t the worlds most cheerful person

I don’t love Marlene

Marlene

Umm what please?

Dorcas

Oh sorry

I thought we were saying things that were impossible

Alice

Dorko’s right

As if either of you could become less invested

You’re all weirdly in love with each other

Sorry Lils

Sam

I’m with Lily though

It’s very weird

I mean its well cute

But weird

Marlene
 Poor Sam

At least we’ve all had 4 years to get used to it

Did you get your wedding outfit btw???

Sam

Yes!

I went for the stripy one I showed you

Marlene

Oh nice!

Bet you look amazing

Sam

Not sure about amazing

But it’s nice

Will need a back up

Just in case

You know

Moods and stuff

But yeh

I’m pleased

Alice

Umm hold the fuck up

Have you been talking

WITHOUT US?

Sam

Umm

No?

Lily

YOU HAVE!

I would just like to make it known

That I am outraged
Dorcas

Same tbh

@Pete

@James

Did you know about this?

James

Nope

Total betrayal if I’m honest

This could of gone on the spreadsheet

Pete

I’m just feeling all warm and fuzzy

That my friends want to be friends with My Sam

Marlene

Ok first

The fact that you gave My and Sam capital letters

My heart

But also

Umm yeh we’re friends

They’re the best

Pete

But you don’t like them

More than you like me

Right?

Alice

Ummm

Lily

Ummm

Dorcas
Ummm

Sam

Ummm

Pete

I CRY!

How could you?

Alice

We jest ‘Tails

Don’t tell the others

But you’re the best one

Dorcas

Truth

James

HEY!

I’m right here!

Marlene

Eh

Don’t worry about it J

You can be Lils’ best one

James

Yeh

You’d think

------------------------------

Basic Bitches

Marlene Elisabeth
Do you think one of us should ask?

Dorcas Ignatia

Literally about to say the same

Have they had a fight?

Marlene Elisabeth

Not sure

Didn’t think so

But

Dorcas Ignatia

Yep

Marlene Elisabeth

I knew something was up this morn

She was really quiet on the way to work

Dorcas Ignatia

Oh bless her

It must be hard

I feel so lucky that we’re together

Marlene Elisabeth

Same

Although now I’m worrying that we’ve been rubbing it in her face?

Dorcas Ignatia

Lily isn’t like that

I don’t think anyway

And it’s the same for Alice

Marlene Elisabeth

Yeh I guess

I’m gonna say something

Dorcas Ignatia

Ok lover
 xxxxxxx

---------------------------

My Support Bras

Marls

Lils?

Lils

Don’t

Sorry

I just don’t want to talk about it now

Als

Oh babe

Lils

You and Frank make it look so easy Alice

Als

I know

It’s not though

Its hard

Dorko caught me sobbing while brushing my teeth last night

Lils

Are you all cross with me?

Dorko

Why would we be cross with you??

Lils

I’ve upset J haven’t I

Marls

Course we’ve not cross

Can’t even imagine how shit it is

Lils

I really miss him

And now things are weird

Dorko

Did you row?

Lils

No!

Well

I don’t think so

We had this thing about the weekend though

Can we maybe leave it now

Al can we chat when I get home?

Alice

Course lovely

Lils

And then I’ll need Dolene cuddles

Marls

Well I am all over that

Also

One thing

Lils

Don’t be ridiculous

Marls

Literally haven’t said anything

Lils

Yeh

But I know what you’re going to say…

Als

Same

And its stupid

Dorko

Well

We love you both

And just want you to know

That we know how lucky we are

Lils

I know you do

I better go

I’ve been moping all morning

I’ve got nothing done

Love you girls

------------------------------

Lupin Family Chat

Hope

Hello cariads. We have some very exciting news!

Remus

Oh god

Is it finally happening?

Am I going to be a big brother??

Sirius

I feel regrets coming…

Lyall

Not this time Rem. But not for lack of trying hey Hopey?

Remus
 ERGH

I take it back

I take it all back

Sirius

Told you love

Hope

Well back twenty years ago I wouldn’t have disagreed with your father Remus. But you know how
I suffer with my knee now, things have definitely slowed down.

Remus

If i used emojis

This would be a MASSIVE CRYING FACE

Lyall

Your mother can speak for herself. The wheels definitely haven’t come off this old boy just yet

Remus

Right

Da

I want you to think long and hard

Lyall

Ah I know what to do with this. That’s what she said last night

Remus

DON’T YOU DARE

Monty isn’t eve here!

Sirius

Oh Re
Sweetheart

Hope

Why don’t you tell us your news?

Hope

Yes, Monty, Effie and James will be with us for Christmas this year!

Sirius

Really??

Wow!

Lyall

Yes, we discussed it last night at dinner. We thought it’d be a good chance to get to know each
other a little better.

Remus

As if you are Monty need any encouragement

And you’re literally all together right now

But it is pretty awesome

Sirius

I can show them the venue and stuff now

I’m excited!

Hope

I’m glad you’re pleased Sirius dear. I hope you don’t mind that James will have to bunk in with
you both though. We can put the camp bed up.

Remus

To be honest mum

Theres really no point

He’ll just get in with us

 Lyall

#nohomo

Remus

Stop doing this!

------------------------------

Jily

Lily

Night James

James

No

Lily

No what?

James

We don’t do this

We don’t go to bed unhappy

Especially not with each other

Lily

Thank god

I really didn’t want to

But I didn’t wan to pressure you into talking

James

Lily

Always pressure me into talking

This is too important

Lily

Ok

J I’m so sorry
 James

I know Lils

Me too

Lily

I shouldn’t have got so pissy

I just miss you so much

And I just feel that everyone expects me to not be sad

Because you know

Good old Lily never lets things bother her

But I am sad James

Its horrid

And then I take it out on you

James

You didn’t take it out on me

Well ok

You did a bit

But I hate that you’re upset

You’re allowed to be upset

Lily

I know

Also

And I know how this is going to sound

But I feel like youre not really bothered

James

I promise you Lily

I am

Remus full on had to come up to meds yesterday

To give me a hug

In the middle of the day

 Its just

I’m trying not to dwell on it

We’ve got threes minimum of this

We can’t just stop everything

Lily

I know

You’re completely right

I’m so sorry for going off at you

James

It’s ok

I know why you did

Lily

Do you think it’ll get easier?

James

If I’m honest?

No

But I do think we’ll get used to it

And we’ll sort out a routine that works better

Lily

Ok

I hope so

I really love you James

James

I really love you too

It’ll be ok

I promise

I’m not letting you go Lils

I hope you know that

Lily
Yeh

I do

Same

James

So

This weekend?

Lily

I’ll come

We can go somewhere nice Fri night

And it’ll be nice to see your dad

James

Yay

I can’t wait to see you

Lily

On Sunday

Rem and I can come

And drool over our boys legs in tight rugby shorts

James

Lol

Be careful what you wish for flower

It was Sirius’ turn to lock up the changing rooms last week

You don’t want to know what I caught them doing

Remus is a big fan of the shorts

Lily

I want to be shocked

But that’s pretty true to form really

James

Yup

Really its very sweet

 But in an incredibly depraved way

Lily

Well perhaps on Sun

We can give them a run for their money…

James

Lily Evans!

Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting??

Lily

Yep

I’m going to get myself some rugby shorts

Reckon my thighs could give Sirius’ a go

James

See this

You’re my perfect woman

Lily

And then i can give you a blow job in the showers

James

I take it back

THIS is why

Annnd that’s whats getting me to fall asleep tonight

Lily

Night Jamie

Have fun

Think of me

James

Oh flower

I always do
 Chapter 16

Wolfbucks

Jamie

Ok

Two things

Firstly

How stoked am I for Christmas at the Lupins???

Rem

OMG saaaame

I’m so excited that you’ll be there for Prophyderling!

Jamie

Ooooo!

Is that a Welsh thing??

Rem

Yes!

It’s to welcome the Quidiron in

On Christmas Eve

So they know they’re ready for Mortengass

Jamie

Man being Welsh is so cool!

What do we have to do?

Rem

Well

Its quite complicated

Probs be easier if you just watch

Jamie

Nuh uh!!

If I’m Christmassing it up in Wales

I’m doing it properly

Tell me!

Rem

If you’re sure

Basically

On Christmas Eve night

Or really early Christmas Day

We won’t know yet because it depends on which way the wind is blowing

We have to go outside

And warn the spirits of Collup that the Fowarten approaches

Jamie

How?

This already sound fucking awesome!

Rem

Well we need a bronze goblet

Seven lit candles

The Signil of Baphomet

And a half-eaten jar of olives

Jamie

That is very specific

And then what do we do?

Rem

First we take off our clothes

Except our socks

The point of this is so that we can warm up the air with our bodies

We have to sway and rub our bodies together counter intuitively to the earths magnetic field

while simultaneously holding one of the seven candles below our necks

So our faces look super spooky

Jamie
And we’re naked?

Rem

No

We’ve got socks on remember?

We then start the chant of Osofess

Which we say 5 times while hopping on our left leg

Jamie

I see

And how does this chant go exactly?

Rem

Ym daer t’nac, Ym daer t’nac

Ecaf rekop ym daer t’nac eh, on

(ydobon ekil em tog s’ehs)

Jamie

Anything else Remus?

Rem

By this point we’ll all be in a deep meditiative state

And our personal mantras of contentment will fill our bodies

Allowing the mystery of inordinate fetidiees to spill forth

Jamie

Quite finished?

Rem

Not quite

We’ll then perform a kick-ass dance routine

And brace ourselves for the coming of fekjfhreio

Jamie

And is this well choreographed dance routine

To the dulcet sounds of

Lady Gaga’s Poker Face

By any chance?

Rem

OMG yes!

How did you know?

Jamie

You’re the worst

You know that?

Are you pleased with yourself?

Rem

Very

Jamie

I was honestly ready to strip down

In your parents garden

For you

Rem

That’s what makes it so hilarious

What tipped you off

Jamie

Oh I don’t know Rem

Maybe when you started with

Chanting Poker Face backwards

Rem

You’ve got to admit it’s a banger

Jamie

Oh I’m not dissing Gaga

Total tune

Literally

How do you think of this shit?

All those random words?

Rem

I really have no idea

It just sort of comes

I mean towards the end I basc just keysmashed

Jamie

you’re suck a dick

Rem

I really do

Jamie

*such

SUCH a dick

Fucks sake

Rem

It’s so fun being your pal Jam

Jamie

Bastard

Rem

Lolz

But in all Siriusness

I really am excited to have you and then fam up for xmas

Also

What was your second thing?

Jamie

What?

Rem

You said two things

Jamie
Oh yeh!

A proposition for you

How do you feel

About some Prongs and Moony lovin’ time

New Years Eve?

Rem

As in the actual evening?

Jamie

Not the enthusiastic yes I was going for tbh Rem

Rem

No sorry

That sounds really nice

Love some quality time with my bit on the side

You know that

Jamie

But…

Rem

Nothing

Sounds good J!

Jamie

I’ll have you back to Padfoot by midnight

You’ll get your New Years snog

Rem

Oh thank god

Not the snogging

Well a bit the snogging

But I don’t want to start a new year without him

God I sound like such a simp

Jamie
Sirius and Remus

Sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Rem

??

Jamie

Soz

I had a double macchiato about 20 mins ago

I think its kicking in

SO YES

New Years

It’s a date

I’m excited

I’ll pick you up about 1

Wear something pretty

------------------------------

Worming Tablets

Wormtail

1.what is the first name of the fit ass piratey man who makes swords in POTC

2.what letter comes after T?

3.what is the opposite of stop?

4.three strikes and youre …?

5.to find the area of a recntangle you do length times …?

6.do re … fa so la ti do

Padfoot

Will

go
 out

width

mi

Wormtail

OMG

Of course I will!!!!!!!

How does New Years Eve sound?

Pick you up at 1?

Padfoot

What?

Wormtail

New Years

You and me

Look alive Padfoot

Padfoot

Are you high?

Wormtail

Only on my love for you

Padfoot

And that you clearly got some this morn

Wormtail

Hell yeh I did

Padfoot

Ohhhh yeahhhh

You dirty dog

Wormtail

Nah

I’m pretty sure that’s you

 Padfoot

I’ll take it

Not that I’m getting any

Wormtail

Still holding fast!

So proud lads

So proud

Padfoot

Not gonna lie

It’s touch and go

Wormtail

I’ll touch you and go

Siriusly

You up for New Years?

You and me and some sweet quality time?

Padfoot

Sure

Wormtail

Don’t you worry

I’ll have you safely returned to Moony before midnight

Padfoot

Well in that case

Fuck yes!

What we doing??

Wormtail

All shall be revealed

Keep the mystery alive

Padfoot

Sounds kinky
 I like it

Wormtail

Better go

Want to go and see if M&S have their Christmas sandwich out yet

Padfoot

Oh nice!

A review on that would be great please and thank you

Wormtail

No problem

Speak later ‘Rus

Padfoot

Oh god no

------------------------------

Double P

Prongs

Mission complete?

Petey

Mission complete

And successful

Prongs

Perf

Petey

How you doing today?

Prongs

Better thanks P

We had a good chat last night

It’s shit

But it’s worth it

 Petey

Atta boy

I’m here any time you know

Rain or shine

Day or night

You know the drill

Prongs

Yeh I know

Appreciate it P

Love you

Petey

Love you too Prongsie

#bestmansupremacy

Prongs

Hells yeh!
 Chapter 17

Private Message

Sam changed the name of the group to Pam

Pete

So we’re really going with Pam huh?

Sam

I mean

There’s a chance I might regret it

But YOLO

Let’s do it

Pete

Someone’s been talking to Prongs

Or Alice

Sam

Maaaaybe

Pete

Haha

They’ll rub off on you like that

Sam

That’s what you said last night

Pete

Sam

Oh god

You’re right

Pete
I find that I generally am

It makes me so happy that you like everyone though

Sam

They’re pretty hard to not like

Literally no-one batted an eyelid that first time

Was amazing

Pete

About what?

Sam

Just stuff

Pete

What sort of stuff?

Sam

Oh Petey

This is why I’m going to fall in love with you

Pete

Already fallen angel

Did your blazer arrive?

Sam

My blazer arriving

You’re really just gonna follow with that?

Pete

Yep

Moving on please

Sam

Sometimes I really don’t know what to do with you Pettigrew

But yep

Blazer is here

Look alright I reckon!

Pete

Well I reckon it looks incredible

Sam

You haven’t even seen it!

Pete

Well go on then

I’m waiting…

Sam

Pete

Looks good!

Sam

Yeh?

I can't decide whether to send it back

to get the next size down

I want it quite fitted

Pete

Nice

You're wearing the bracelet

Sam

Of course i'm wearing the bracelet

I wear it every day

Pete

I'm glad you like it

Well i hope you like it

Don't feel obliged to wear it or anything

Sam

Pete of course i like it

It's from you

Silly

Anyway

I’m thinking default I’ll wear the stripy jumpsuit

The one Marlene helped me pick

But if I’m not feeling it

The blazer, my cream blousey thing and my navy suit trousers

Pete

You’ll look hot either way

You feeling better now you’ve got some options?

Sam

A bit

Still can’t really believe they’ve invited me tbh

I don’t want to be underdressed

But then I don’t want to be over dressed

I don’t want people to think I’m weird

Ergh

Sorry

Pete

No sorry

You’re allowed feelings you know

And anyway

You can use accessories to dress up whatever outfit you go for

Pack accessories and bring with

So you can always dress yourself up or down in any situ

 Sam

That’s

That’s actually pretty sound advice

Pete

Thanks!

I read it on Buzzfeed

Sam

Of course you did

One thing though

If I go jumpsuit I was gonna wear heels

I want it at like ankle length

Is that ok?

Pete

Yes?

Not sure why you’re asking me

Sam

Its just

If I wear heels I’ll be so much taller than you

Pete

So…

You’re always taller than me

Sam

I don’t know

It’s just a thing

Pete

What’s a thing?

You’re going to have to explain

Sam

I don’t want to embarrass you

Pete

I’m so confused

Why would my incredibly attractive partner

Wearing heels embarrass me?

Sam

I don’t want people to think you’ve been left with the wierdo

Pete

If someone tells you you’re weird

I’ll smash their fucking face

Sam

WOAH!

Pete

Yep

They’ll be a line you know

For the smashing

And if they get Prongs

Well they’re not getting up after

Sam

Lol

Literally can’t imagine James punching anyone

He’s too nice

Pete

Oh no he does

Well did

Once

Lily’s ex made a horrifically homophobic comment

About Remus and Sirius

J lost his absolute shit

The bloke didn’t get up

 Sam

Wow

Well sounds like the twat deserved it

Pete

He really did

But anyway

Don’t do that

No-one is going to think you’re weird

S and R invited you because they want you there

And you were literally wearing heels when you met everyone

Sam

I guess

Need to get out of my head

Pete

Wish I could help

Sam

You do love

You just don’t realise

Pete

Good

I better go angel

Our fitting is in an hour

Sam

Have such a good day with your boys

I want pictures of you all please

Pete

Oh don’t you worry

If Prongs has anything to do with it

They’ll be pictures coming out of our arses

 Sam

And with that image

I’ll leave you too it

Facetime later?

Pete

Course

Speak then

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

James

Annnnnd we’re done!

No spoilers

But look!

Matchy matchy cufflinks

Alice
 Oh I love!

Marlene

Saaaaame!

Lily

Top hats…

Remus

Sigh

Top hats

He won't take it off!!

Sirius

Classic FIL antics

Lily

Yay!

Haha Rem

You’re so easy

Remus

Pads AND Prongs broke out the puppy eyes!

A stronger man then me would have crumbled

Also

Sirius looks well fit in it

Sirius

Damn right I do
 You just look adorable

With your little curly curls

All flopping all over the place

Just makes me want to SQUISH you

Dorcas

You ok hun?

Sirius

Yeh

Just

Remus Lupin

Marlene

Someone slap him

Pete

Done

Nice and firm

Dorcas

Pretty sure she didn’t mean on the arse

Pete

Oh

Well that’s where I went for!

Not passing up an opportunity to touch up Padfoot’s bum

James

Too right Wormy

Might have a go on that myself

It’s a good ‘un

Alice

Bit of a scandal there J

James
My existence is a scandal

Remus

Ooff

Swoon

Love a man who recites a bit of Wilde

James

I got you bb

I’ll recite Wilde for you anytime

Lily

I just have this image in my head

Of Remus

Lounging on one of those couch thingies

Wearing an unbuttoned floaty white shirt

With his head tipped back

While James reads him Oscar Wilde

Sirius

WELL

That is an image I can get on board with

Where am i?

Alice

You’re the dog Remus is petting…

James

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dorcas
Oh God

Wrong time to take a sip of tea

ALICE

Pete

Alice

Tell me I’m wrong?

Sirius

YOU’RE WRONG

Remus tell her she’s wrong

Remus

She’s wrong

Although

What sort of dog?

Alice

Bichon Frise

Sirius

Hey!

Lily

I can’t

I was going to say a Beagle?

Lab?

Marlene

Can’t be a Labrador
James is 100% the Labrador

Pete

Good Lord yes

James

Sweet!

I’d be a chocolate lab anyday

Look how cute I am!

Dorcas

Remus would one of those really big ones

That looks scary

But is really soppy

Like one of those wolfhounds

Remus

I’m not soppy!

Alice

Oh BD

You really really are

Marlene

look
It's Remus and Sirius making dinner!

Lily

YES!

Sirius

No!

James

Rem!

I love you!

This is fun

What about Petey??

Lily

Easy

Bulldog

Pete

I feel like I should be offended

Lily

No!

Because they’re so chill

Like they put up with literally anything

Pete

Hmm

Dorcas

King Charles Spaniel then

Lily

Oooo yes!
 I’ve changed my mind

Def a Spaniel

Suuuuper loyal and patient

James

Ahh mate yes!

You’re so cute!

Pete

Thanks?

James

You’re welcs!

Alice

Guys

I’ve got it

Sirius

And stay with me here

Sirius

Jokes on you

I fucking love a pug

 Chapter 18
Chapter Notes

Shitty day but writing this cheered me right up so I hope you enjoy it!

A Good Pear

Alice

Yo

Sirius

Yo

Alice

Good weekend?

Sirius

Yup

Alice

Nice

Sirius

Word

Alice

Sweet

Sirius

You know it

Alice

Haha

Imagine if we actually texted like this

How was your weekend actually?

Sirius

It was good!
 Proper productive

Another thing ticked off the list

And haha

I have too much to say to keep things that short

Alice

Lils says that James is buzzing about his suit

Sirius

He really is

To be fair to him he looks well fit

Alice

He a good looking bloke though isn’t he

And hes totally charming

Every mum everywhere fancies him I reckon

Sirius

Pretty sure he knows it too

Lily is a lucky lady

Alice

Yep

Although

Shes been a bit down about it recently

Sirius

J too

Long distance is shit

Alice

It is

But lily has said a few things

That make me think that maybe James isn’t being the best atm?

Sirius

The fuck??
 Like what?

Alice

Just a few things

I don’t know

He wasn’t that excited for her to come this weekend?

I think she’s just finding it really hard

Sirius

Yeh well so is James!

And he was excited!

He just had a lot going on and was worried she’d be left on her own a lot

Just because Lily tells you how she’s feeling

Doesn’t mean James isn’t feeling the same!

Alice

Chill Sirius

Its not a big deal

Sirius

It is a big deal if you’re making the fact that Lils is finding it hard his fault!

You have no idea how he’s feeling

And what Lily is saying to him!

He’s finding it just a difficult as she is you know

He’s miserable about it all the time

Alice

Oh my god

I shouldn’t have said anything

It was literally a passing comment

Sirius

Well don’t

Just because you hear Lily’s side of the story

Doesn’t mean you get to make it James’ fault

Alice

I’m sorry ok?

I didn’t mean it to come out like that

I know theres two sides to every story

I don’t think it’s his fault

Sirius

Good

It’s not

Alice

Bloody hell

I sometimes forget how fiercely loyal you are

Sirius

No-one blames my James for stuff that isn’t his fault

Alice

Noted

Forgiven?

Sirius

Mmm

Alice

Oh come on Sirius

I don’t want to fight

Tell me about the weekend

Was it hard finding something that everyone agreed on?

Sirius

No not really

I mean I think it was easier because Re and I are done

It was J really

He brought this scrapbook of ideas

and then essentially terrorised the suit fitter man

 but you know

in a nice way

Alice

I do wonder

If sometimes he thinks this is his wedding

Sirius

Alice!

You can’t say that out loud

He might realise its NOT his wedding

Alice

Question though

What’s he going to say

When he realises you can’t wear the matchy matchy cufflinks?

Sirius

Oh gawwd I don’t know

I tried to tell him

But he is adamant he doesn’t want to know what I’m wearing

He’s going on about doing this photo

Where I stand around a corner

And he stands on the other side

And we hold hands or something

And then we look at each other for the first time

Alice

You do realise

That that photo is normally for the two people who are actually getting married

Won’t Remus mind?

Sirius

Oh he’s doing it with Remus too

 And Pete

And also I think Dad

Alice

I see

I feel that he might be too invested in this

But anyway

Cufflinks??

Sirius

I know

I love them as well

They’ve got our initials on

Which makes me all warm and fuzzy inside

Alice

SOL?

Sirius

You know it!

Alice

Cuuuuttte

You could always do an outfit change

Jacket off, shirt on?

After dinner?

Sirius

Ooooh!

I hadn’t even thought about doing that!

Good shout

I’ll have to go and get a shirt though

Alice

No need!

I got one for you!

 Sirius

What??

Alice

Well

You looked SO GOOD in that silver shirt

Remember the one you tried on with your suit?

Sirius

Yeh

But it was vetoed because it looked weird with the jacket lapels

Alice

But if you’re going to take the jacket off

So you can use your cufflinks

Then you can wear it!

Sirius

Yes but I still don’t understand why you have it already

Alice

Oh you know

Just in case

Sirius

When did you even get it?

Alice

I rang on the Mon

And got Frank to go and pick it up

Sirius

Can’t believe you said James was over invested

This is next level

Alice

Yeh
But now who has a shirt that is the absolute BOMB
oh yes

YOU DO

Sirius

And I did look bloody amazing in it

If I do say so myself

Alice

Hell yeh you did

Man I’m so pleased with myself

I’m texting Frank now to tell him to drop it round this eve

I want a selfie

With the cufflinks

Sirius

Deal

------------------------------

Private Chat

James added Monty, Sirius, Lyall, Remus and Pete to the chat

Monty changed the names of the group to True Kings ‘crown symbol’

Remus

Oh Lord

What is this please?

Lyall

In a meeting

James

Groomsmen assemble!

can’t believe this wasn’t a thing already

Lyall
 In a meeting

Sirius

Nice name Dad

Lyall

In a meeting

Monty

Yes, at the weekend Lily referred to Lyall and I as ‘True Kings.’ I thought it suits us rather well.

Lyall

In a meeting

Pete changed the name of the group to True Kings

Monty

Thank you Peter, I couldn’t work out how to get the crown symbol

Lyall

In a meeting

Pete

You’re welcome!

Lyall

In a meeting

Remus

What the fuck?

Da

Are you in a meeting?

Lyall

No, why?

Remus

Read back

You keep saying you’re in a meeting

 Lyall

So it does, not to worry.

Sirius

It’s sending ‘In a meeting’ every time you don’t reply to a message

Lyall

Yes I know. I have googled how to put an automatic response on my phone in the hopes that
Auntie Joan leaves me alone.

Sirius

Oh

Ok then!

Monty

Is she still having bother with her hat?

Lyall

Yes, it would seem so.

James

Lyall mate!

Send her my way

I’ll help her pick one!

What’s she after do you know?

Formal?

Cloche?

Blocked?

Beret?

Lyall

I’m afraid I don’t know the particulars, but that’s a very kind offer, mate.

Pete

Mate

I love
James

Well hit me up with her details

I’ll sort her out

Remus

I’m really not sure how I feel about this

Monty

It’ll be fine Moose, James is good with the older ladies. Takes after his Pa.

James

MOOSE

Yes Pa!

Lyall

Yes. After the success of ‘Rus’ new nickname ‘Rus, we thought we’d give Moose a go.

Sirius

I’ll give Moose a go any day of the week

Remus

Sirius!

Monty

Will you be though? We’ve been informed otherwise.

Remus

Oh James

You didn’t
James

I didn’t!

I swear!

Pete

That’s my bad I’m afraid

Sirius

Pete!

We’ll never hear the end of this now!

Pete

I’m sorry!

They were asking me about how it was going with Sam!

I caved under the pressure!

I needed a distraction

Lyall

That reminds me ‘Rus, I’m counting on you to break Remus first. I’ve got £100 riding on you in
the bet. I’ll go halves with you.

Remus

Da!

Your only son!

Lyall

Not any more Moose. My most recently acquired son shows more promise in this area. I also know
first hand what that Lupin drive is like when you’re 23.

Remus

Complete betrayal if I’m honest

And also

Er, no thank you.

Sirius

I won’t let you down Lyall!

Remus

Wait a minute

What bet??

James

Gtg!

Talk later y’all!

Pete

Oh is that the door?

Better head

Laters!

Monty

Effie’s calling me in from the garden. Better oblige! God bless boys.

Lyall

In a meeting
 Chapter 19

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Marlene

Did you know

That theres a type of ant

Called a marauder ant?

James

OMG no?

This is excellent!

Marlene

I knew you’d enjoy this news

But there’s more

Marauder ants

Have a special class of big ant

That they ride like a bus to work

Or into battle

You know

Like an elephant cavalry

James

Wicked!

Ants are so cool

I wish I was an ant

Dorcas

I thought you wanted to be a Labrador?

James

Oh man

Tough choices

Alice
You could have body of a Labrador

But the strength of a marauder ant?

James

Oooo

Yeh I want that!

Remus

Would you rather be attacked

By one ant the size or a Labrador

Or a thousand Labradors the size of ants?

Pete

Do the mini Labradors

Have the strengths of ants?

Remus

Hmmm

No

They have the strength of Labradors

But if they were tiny

Pete

I think that then

Lily

Do I have access to boric acid?

Remus

I don’t see why not

Lily

Sweet

Then sign me up for the thousand ant labs then

James
 But the boric acid wouldn’t work on them though?

Because they’re Labradors

Not ants?

Lily

Oh yeh

Well shit

I don’t know then

Marlene

What’s with the boric acid?

James

Number one ant killer

I really don’t know how I know that

Lily

I feel like we learnt in chem

In first year

James

Something about it affecting their exoskeletons??

Lily

YES!

And their nervous systems

James

Literally remember this now

The nervous system of ants

Consists of a long nerve cord

That runs from head to rear

With branches leading to the parts of the body

Lily

So a bit like a human spinal cord

 Sirius

Enough of this scientist foreplay

The real question here is

Would you rather

Have dicks for arms

Alice

Or an arm for a dick?

Sirius

Yes Alice!

Dorcas

Sirius and Alice

Tag teaming

With the hard hitting question

This dull December

Marlene

Arm for a dick

Best choice

Hands down

James

Wait

So either my dick is the size of a dick

But is an arm?

Or my arm is the size of an arm

But is a dick?

Alice

No

The dick is the size of your arm

And replaces your arm

Lily

Or the arm is the size of your dick

And replaces your dick

Wait

Is that the same thing?

Sirius

Oh now I’m confused

James

Well

I guess I’d rather be able to do cock press ups

Than be known as Edward Penishands

Dorcas

If I go for arm sized dick

Can I pick stuff up with it?

Like does it have fingers?

Remus

Something something

Fisting.

Pete

GOOD CHRIST MOONY I’M AT WORK

Sirius

------------------------------

Not Fast, Just Furious

Marlene

You ok hun?

Remus

Feel like pure shit

Just want her back

Marlene

HAhahah!

Classic Rem

I love you

Remus

How was date night?

Marlene

It was so lush

We went to that Greek place I was telling you about

So I could stuff my vege face to my hearts content

Remus

Yum

Did you have vine leaves?

Marlene

Yes!

Good guess

Do Dorky!!

Remus

Gyro

Lamb?

Marlene

No but close

Lamb souvlaki
 Remus

Oooo

Good choice Dorco

Marlene

She says thanks!

Remus

I had pork casserole

As no James tonight

It was ok

Marlene

Tomato or cream based?

Remus

Tomato

Didn’t have enough milk

couldn’t be bothered to go and get any

And Sirius is out with Kingsley

So couldn’t get him to grab any

Marlene

Fair enough

Why no James?

Remus

Just wasn’t

He’s not round every night

Marlene

Most nights though

Remus

I suppose yeh

I feel like you’re getting at something

 Spit it out

Marlene

We’re worried about Lily

She seems sad

Remus

Ok

Well I’m sorry she’s sad

That sucks

But I don’t know what that’s got to with James not being here

Marlene

I just wondered if something had happened

Remus

So suddenly its James’ fault??

She could be upset about loads of things!

I’m not having this

Just because they’re together doesn’t mean you get to blame him for everything

That’s unfair

And James has been sad too recently

He’s been finding it difficult trying to work everything out

Its hard on him too!

Marlene

Woah Rem!!

I’m not having a go at James

If you’d let me

I was going to check that HE was ok!

Remus

Oh

Sorry

But still
Marlene

Still what??

Remus

No-one has a go at James

Marlene

I wasn’t having a go!!

Remus

Good

Marlene

Bloody hell

You really do love your boys don’t you

Remus

Yes

I am sorry Lily is sad

It probably is the distance thing isn’t it

Marlene

Yeh I think so

I never know what to say to make her feel better

Because there isn’t a fix you know?

Remus

Yeh

I think that’s how James is looking at it too

As in

If they’re going to do it

Its going to be another 3 years

Maybe longer

So they need to just get on with it

Marlene

Which sucks when you just want a cuddle

 Remus

Yeh

I’ll give him a text

Just to make sure he’s ok

He said he wasn’t coming round

Because Frank was going to visit him on animal crossing

Marlene

Good lord

That’s the purest thing I’ve ever heard

------------------------------

The PB to my J

Pads

Just leaving

Do we need anything?

Moons

Maybe milk?

But theres enough for tea and coffee in the morning

Pads

Might just come straight home then

I got you take away cake

Moons

Ooo

Yay!

Pads

We should come here at the weekend though

Its really Chrsitmassy

We can have mulled stuff

Moons
 That sounds nice

How long til your home now?

Pads

About 10 minutes

You ok?

Moons

Yeh

I just really want to sit on your lap

And snog your face off

Pads

That depends

Can you keep your arm sized dick to yourself?

Moons

That depends

Do you want me to…?

------------------------------

Jily

Lily

Wish I could have a cuddle

James

Me too

Lily

Is it next weekend yet?

James

Nearly

Lily

Its not though is it

 James

No

Not really

Lily

Never mind

James

I could come?

Lily

This weekend?

No

We said we were going to do every other

Need to stay strong

James

No I mean now

If I left now

I could be at yours at about 3

I don’t have anything tomorrow until the afternoon

Lily

You can’t drive 7 hours

In the middle of the night just to give me a cuddles James

James

I would though

Lily

I know

I love you so much

I’m going to go to bed now

Then its one less day

James

Ok Lils
I love you too

Sleep tight
 Chapter 20

The Marauders

Prongs

Wormtaiiiiill

You still planning on coming up this eve??

Wormtail

Yuh

I was baking all last night

Why?

Prongs

Want a lift?

Wormtail

Umm YES

Obviously

Where are you??

Prongs

Erm

Not in Battersea?

Moony

And by that

He means very much in Battersea

Wth Prongs?

Where were you when we spoke last night??

Prongs

At home

Moony

How are you in London now then?

Prongs

I left after

Padfoot

The fuck?

Why??

Prongs

Lily was upset

Wormtail

Long way to go for upset J

Prongs

Yup

Moony

Prongs

I am not down with you driving for 7 hours

Overnight

On your own

Padfoot

Me neither actually

Where did you stop?

Moony

You better be telling me you stopped at least twice James Potter

Prongs

Pete do you want a lift or not?

Wormtail

Are you even ok to drive back this eve?

Prongs
Fucks sake

If you could all just not

Padfoot

Yeh nope

Think you’ll find we’re just worried about you mate

Prongs

You can fuck off with your ‘mate’

I’m a big boy

I can look after myself

Moony

What the fuck James?

No need to go off on one

Prongs

So it’s fine when Sirius has drama??

He’s ok to go ‘off on one’

I’ve had to spend enough energy worrying about him over years

Bout time I repaid the favour

Moony

What the hell does that mean?

That doesn’t even make sense

Prongs

As if you’ve been any better Remus

I’m leaving here at 12

So I’ll be in Newcastle about 5

Text me if you want a lift

Wormtail

To be honest James
 If you’re going to be like this

I don’t think I do

Prongs

Fine

------------------------------

My Support Bras

Marls

@Lils

Is James with you???

Lils

No…

Maybe

Als

When the hell did that happen?

Lils

Got here about 3

Als

Is everything ok??

Lils

Yeh course

Dorky

Then why is he here…?

Not that it’s an issue or anything

Lils

I was sad last night

Marls
So he drove all the way from Edinburgh

In the middle of the night??

Lils

You know what he’s like

He offered

I obvs said no

Said goodnight and went to sleep

Woke up at 3 to a phone call saying he was outside

Als

Thank fuck you heard your phone!

Lils

Lol

That’s what I said

Dorcas

Well I think thats effing adorable

Marls

Well Remus doesn’t

He’s made Sirius cry

Lils

Shit

Why?

Marls

Not entirely sure

Just had a message from Rem

Asking me to tell James to call him

Apparently he’s not answering in their GC anymore

Lils

FFS
 Now I feel guilty

Dorky

Why?

You’ve not done anything

Als

And although its suuuuuper sweet

You also didn’t ask him to come

Lils

Literally told him not too

I’ve just got him to show me the messages

He was pretty savage

Marls

Not like him

Lils

Well he’s bloody knackered isn’t he

He hasn’t slept for 24 hours

Dorky

Oh God

I can’t deal with a boys break up

I don’t know who’d I get in the divorce

Marls

Calm babe

As if they can stay made at one another

Als

They were having all the desserts this eve too

Frank said Sirius was well excited

 Dorky

What?

Als

Yeh

They were doing this 10 course dinner

But every course was pudding

They all had to bring 2 puddings each

Lils

I’m been hearing about this all week

James is doing lemon meringue pie

And some special rice pudding

That his mum makes

Marls

V important question

Why aren’t we doing this

This sounds very delicious

Lils

It sounds like it would make our teeth fall out

Dorky

BOOOOO

I’m in!

Lils

Fiiiine

Feel like I’m going to need it anyway

Need to go and sort out my boyfriend’s shit show

Do me a fav girlies
 Don’t say anything when we come downstairs?

Als

No worries

I need to go

In about 15 minutes ago anyway

Marls

Alice be honest

Are you late every day?

Als

Pretty much!

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Missed call from Jam

Missed call from Jam

Jam

Come on Paddy

Will you answer please

Paddy

What

So you can carry on having a go

About how difficult it is being my friend

About how much of your energy I take up?

Jam

Shit
That was such a dick thing to say

Paddy

You don’t think

Jam

I’m really sorry Sirius

Come on mate

Paddy

You can fuck of with your ‘mate’

Jam

Ok

I deserved that

Rem said I made you cry

Paddy

Christ Remus

Can’t a bloke have a little cry over his special k

Without the whole world knowing about it

Jam

Oooo

The red berries one?

Paddy

Obviously

Jam

Also

Not Remus

Well

He told Marlene

Who told Lily

Who told me

Lily who also basically ripped my balls off

For being a such a twat

Paddy

Yes well

She’s got good taste

What’s going on James?

Jam

At this point mate I don’t even know

We were talking

And she said she missed me

So I just thought I’d go

And then when I got there

I felt like she wasn’t even that pleased to see me

Paddy

To be fair to her

It must have been the middle of the night

Jam

Yeh

Was about 3

And now she’s going to work

Paddy

Do you have anything today?

Jam

Yeh

This afternoon

Which i’ve already missed now

Which isn’t on

Paddy

I don’t know what to say to fix this

I mean
 I’ve got like

Advice and shit

But not if its going to get my head bitten off

Jam

I’m so sorry Padfoot

Paddy

Yeh I know

We’re good

I think you and Lils

You need to work out an actual plan

Get one of those massive calendars or something

That goes on the wall

Or can’t you talk to Frank about it?

He’s literally doing the exact same with Al

Jam

I know!

But they’re both so chill about it!!

Maybe its because they’ve been together loads longer

I don’t know

Paddy

No point comparing

People are different

Will you be back this eve?

If you’ve already missed your lectures you might as well just stay the weekend

Jam

No I’ll come back

Lils has a work this this eve anyway

And I’ve going to have to catch up on what I missed today

And i don't want to miss ruggers on sunday

 Paddy

Alright

Well we’ll talk later then maybe

Have a kip now before you leave

Jam

Yeh I will

Put in a good word with Rem for me would you

Don’t fancy him punching me in the face

For upsetting you

Paddy

Is it weird

That the idea of my boyfriend

Punching my best friend in the face

To restore my honour

Is really turning me on?

Jam

Are you at work?

Paddy

No

I’m on the bus

Jam

Then yes

Yes it is

Paddy

Sweet

------------------------------

Double P

Pete

You awake?
 Prongs

Just about yeh

Look Pete

I’m really sorry about earlier

Pete

Blah blah blah

Yes you’re forgiven

You nearly ready to leave?

Prongs

Yeh

I was just having a tea

Was going to head in about half an hour

Pete

Good

I’m nearly at Battersea Park station

I need you to pick me up

Prongs

What?

Why?

Pete

So I can drive you home

You’ve had what?

3 hours sleep max?

You can sleep more in the car

Then we can talk

Prongs

Aren’t you working today tho?

Pete

Took the day off

I was owed time anyway

Prongs

Pete

I could cry

I'll give you the money for your train ticket

Pete

You can cry in the car

And Padfoots already offered me cash

I don't want anyones money

it was my decision to do this

Just come get me

I’ll get snacks while I wait

Jelly babies for you?

Prongs

Yes please

I love you

Give me 10 and I’ll be there

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jamie

If I can get you

I’ll have the full set

Rem

Nope

Start again

Jamie

Sorry Rem ☹

Rem

Well obviously I forgive you

 I’m not going to tell you its ok though

Jamie

I know

It was a really shitty thing to say

To both of you

Rem

It was

You totally blew up

Unnecessarily I might add

Jamie

Yeh I know

I’ve been told

By multiple people

Rem

What’s up Jamie?

You’re never like this

Ever

And what you said about Sirius and me with the drama

I know its true

But

What the hell?

Since when do you throw shit like that back in our faces??

Jamie

I know I know

I was just knackered

And Lily was rushing to get ready for work

I felt like I was in the way

And like a total wanker for driving all the way down here

Rem
 Oh Prongs

I know why you did it

But you and Lils

You need to think of a system or something

This isn’t working for you

And its literally breaking my heart seeing you miserable

Jamie

I don’t know what to do

I honestly didn’t think it would be this hard

Rem

I wish I could fix it

You can always come here you know

And cuddle with us if you’re sad

Jamie

That possibly would have been a better option

Rem

Well do it next time

Or I can come to you

Jamie

And leave Padfoot…?

Rem

We can cope without each other for a night!

Jamie

Yeh but can you Rem?

CAN YOU?

Rem

Shut up

By the way

Sirius says I have to punch you in the face later

 Apparently the idea makes him horny

And at this point

I’m taking anything that might get me some

Jamie

Sigh

I’ve got £50 riding on Sirius cracking first

So I’ll take one for the team

Rem

Oh!

Well thank you for the vote of confidence!

Jamie

You’re welcome!

Have you ever actually punched someone?

Rem

HA!

No

I tried to once

In sixth form

But I ended up just sort of bitch slapping him

Jamie

Sexy

Don’t worry Rem

I’ll sort you out

Rem

You’re the best

See you in a bit for punching times!

Jamie

Looking forward to it!

 Chapter 21

Jily

Lily

You free?

James

Not atm

Sorry

We’re eating

Lily

No worries

Call me later?

James

Yup sure

Everything ok?

Lily

Yeh all good

Just back from work

James

Thought you were going out with after?

Lily

Came home to get changed

And now I really can’t be arsed to go out again

James

Hate that

You’ll be fine once you’re there tho

Lily

I know
Miss you

Sorry it was all so rushed this morning

James

Eh

Sorry I turned up on your doorstep at 3am

Lily

No

Don’t be sorry

I can’t believe you did it

James

Yeh

Did kind of feel that you wished I hadn’t though

Lily

I knew you’d say that

I’m sorry

I really didn’t want you to feel like that

James

Then why did i?

Lily

I don’t know Jamie

I was so pleased to see you

But then I knew you were going almost straight away

And that was almost harder than you not being there

James

I suppose

Lily

Please don’t be sad

James

I’ll try
 I won’t do it again

In my head it was going to be a huge romantic gesture

Lily

And it was!

Just I had to go to work

And all the normal every day shit

You have no idea how much I wished I could just stay in bed with you

James

It was nice

To cuddle

Lily

Did you sleep in the car?

James

Nah

I’d drunk too much coffee

And then I ate a whole packet of jelly babies

Lily

You must be so tired now

James

I’m all jacked up on sugar aren’t I

Pudding night remember

Lily

Omg yes!

Totally forgot to ask

How are the puddings????

James

SO GOOD
We’re 6 down

4 to go
 Rem made the most incredible basil and mascarpone baked peaches

Lily

Woah!

Sounds fancy

James

Literally would have paid for them

Padfoot’s mille-feuille next

Lily

Not gonna lie

I sort of presumed you’d just be eating

Like all the different flavours of cornetto or something

James

Well

Frank did bring calippos

It was allowed because his other thing was a croquembouche

Lily

Bloody hell

Did you take picture?

James

We had to eat it first

It was melting in the central heating

Lily

That is amazing!!
I really want one of those as a wedding cake

I wonder if he'd do it for us

James

That would be awesome

and yeh he probs would if you asked

Better go Lils

But I’ll call you later

Lily

Okey dokey

Speak in a bit

James

Have a nice eve

Xx

-----------------------------

I Do Crew

Pete

If I die

From all the sugar

I want you all to know 2 things

1.I have ZERO REGRETS

I would do it again

100%

2.Prongs has just paid off the final balance for the weekend

He’d tell you himself

But ya know

Food coma

Alice
I’m excited!

Lily

Me too!

Although not about impending death ‘Tails

James

Lily!

Tell yourself I loved you

Pete

It was for a worthy cause

Dorcas

Yay

Cheers James

James

No worries

Man I need something salty

Marlene

Haha!

I always do that

Need to balance it out

Dorcas

Yeh

But then you need something sweet again

Marlene

The heart wants what the heart wants my love

I mean yesterday I wanted a burrito

And today I’m eating a burrito

Follow your fucking dreams

Alice

Yas Marls!

You queen

James

Marlene is goals tbh

Dorcas

Ain’t she just

I’ve had an idea btw

Lily

Calm down Dorko

Dorcas

ANYWAY

I was thinking

For the stags

That we do a playlist

And we each have to choose 2 songs

One for Rem

One for Sirius

Pete

Oooo!
I like!

Maybe Dorcas is the queen today

Marlene

That’s my princess!

Dorcas

Ergh

Hard no on the princess babe

Marlene

Noted

Didn’t feel right did it

Dorcas

It did not

Lily

I feel the exclamation mark didn’t help

Dorcas

I also feel that

So playlist is a go?

Alice

Sorry

Too busy to reply

Immediately looking through my spotify

James

SAME!

Marlene

Hands up who’s surprised

Lily
 Jamie

Get the dads in on the playlist action?

James

Ahh good shout

Although dad’s music taste is well rogue

Pete

I have a bad feeling about this…

Anyway

Have to go

Our dominoes is here!

Dorcas

Christ

God speed lads

------------------------------

Lupin Family Chat

Lyall

Are you dead?

Remus

Charming

Happy Saturday to you too Da

Lyall

You can’t blame a father for checking in on his sons. Your mother was very worried about you
both and your blood sugars.

Remus

Sorry mummy

Yes we’re fine

Lyall

How did the mille-feuille turn out ‘Rus?

 Sirius

So good!

I did one batch of your strawberry and white chocolate ones

and went a bit off piste with the other

and added orange blossom essence to the cream

and then some cocoa powder

Hope

That sounds fantastic! Aren’t you clever

Sirius

They were pretty damn tasty

If I do say so myself

Lyall

Might as well blow your own trumpet

Remus

Don’t you DARE

Hope

I remember when we were young and Lyall used to make me mille-feuille. It usually meant he
was trying to romance me.

Remus

Oh Da

Please tell me that isn’t why you spent over 5 hours on facetime

Helping Sirius practise making them

Lyall

£100

Remus

I hate you

Hope

Remus John, that’s not a very nice way to speak to your father. Even if he is betting on you
cracking first
 Remus

You told mum????

Lyall

I may have

Remus

There is something seriously wrong with you

Hope

I presume you mean Siriusly?

Sirius

Yes Hope!

I’m so proud

Hope

Thank you cariad.

Remus

Good Lord

Did you actually want anything?

Hope

We did now you’ve mentioned it. We are about to order the Christmas shop and wondered what
day you were coming home?

Sirius

I’ve taking the 23 rd off

So eve of 22nd?

Hope

Hyfryd. The Potters are coming for Christmas Eve so your James is very welcome to come on the
22nd also if he doesn’t want to go all the way home to Hampshire to come back up to us

Remus

Fab

Will ask and let you know

Although I think he finishes next Fri

 So he might be going home first

Sirius

He’s at Lily’s parents next weekend

And then was going to go home

And get a lift with mum and dad

Hope

Well you have him call me if his plans change and he wants to come earlier

Sirius

Will do!

I’m seeing him later for tennis

I’ll tell him then

Lyall

Oh Remus John

Remus

What?

Lyall

What did I tell you? Never marry a man who play tennis.

Remus

I don’t get it

Lyall

Love means nothing to then

Remus

I am BEGGING you

Stop

Lyall

I don’t think stopping is part of my journey today

 Chapter 22

Wolfbucks

James

Annnnnd I am DONE

Christmas hols

You are MINE

Remus

Yes Prongs!

James

We’re heading to Pilgrims

Come with!

Remus

Tempted

Got a shit ton of reading to do though

James

Just come for one

You know you want to…

Remus

I really really do

James

Come!

Have one and some lunch

And then you’ll be all fuelled up for this afto

Remus

Fuck it

Yeh ok

James
Yay!

We’ve just got here

That bar man you think is fit is on

Remus

Oooo

Although I am contractually obliged to say

That’s he’s not as fit as Sirius

James

Is anyone?

Remus

True

------------------------------

The PB to my J

Moons

Sirius babe

Pads

Yeah?

Moons

I gotta tell you something

Pads

Ok

Re?

Moons

You gotta take it Siriusly tho

Pads

What?

Moons
Promise?

Pads

Promise what?

Moons

To take it SIRIUSLY

Pads

Oh ok

Yes

I promise

Moons

Are you ready?

Pads

I am ready

Moons

I am

The bATMAN

Pads

Oh lord

You’re drunk aren’t you

Moons

Maaaaaybee

Pads

Are you with Prongs

Moons

Yes!

He’s at the bar tho

He’s the reaaaally hot bar man

Pads
 Prongs is the barman?

Moons

Nop

Hes TALKING to the really hot bar man

Pads

Ahhhh I see

Moons

He’s not as delicious as uou tho

Your the yummiest

Pads

Uh Oh

You know its bad

When Moony gets the wrong your/you’re

Moons

OH NOO

Pads

Never mind gorgeous

I still love you

Moons

More than Liam?

Pads

Who the fuck is Liam?

Moons

The man with allllll the drinks

Pads

Christ

Yes Re
 I love you more than Liam the barman

Moons

You think hes hot ☹

Pads

No Remus

That’s you

You think he’s hot

Moons

Oh

yeh!

I do!

That’s cos He looks a bit like you

But not as good as you

You look the soooo hot

Pads

Well that is good to know!

Is James back?

Moons

We’re getting married

Pads

I know lovely

Moons

I’m going to wear a HAT

Pads

Again

Well aware

Moons

I’m a bit tired

 Pads

Why don’t you get Prongs to take you home

And have a nap

And then when I get home we can have cuddles

Moons

I don’t want cuddles

I want you inside meeeeee

Pads

Dear god

Moons

I’ll be your god

Pads

rEMUS

Moons

SAY MY NAAAAAME

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam

Umm

I might have broken your fiancé

Siriusly

Yes

I thought you might have

Jam

I’d forgotten how much of a lightweight he is

He’s not even had that much!

Siriusly

Don’t let him fool you

 You know he has form

For having a cheeky shot

When hes getting a round in

Jam

HAHAHA!

Literally as you were texting

I caught him downing a double rum and coke at the bar

Siriusly

Classic Rem

Does he need to go home?

Jam

I think he might

I’m not entirely sure he should be left alone tho

Siriusly

Ok

Well I won’t be too much longer

I’ve only got one more thing I want to get done

And I’ll be home

Jam

Fab

We’ll see you there

I’ll stay with him until youre done

Siriusly

You’re a doll

See you in a bit

------------------------------

Pam

Sam

So
Remus just messaged me

To tell me he loves me

And that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him?

Pete

Drunk Moony!

It’s an experience

Sam

It really is

*insert screenshot*

Remus

I’m doing the drinkings because Ive finished all my very important medicine doctor lectures

He’s not doing medicine tho right?

Pete

No

But he’s out with Prongs and his lot

Sam

Ahhhh I see

I couldn’t really imagine him plastered

Pete

It’s a riot

He has NO filter

Sam

Yes

I have just discovered this

*insert screenshot*
Remus

I think YOU’RE so cool

I wish I was like you

And you love pete

Because petes the best

Everyone should love pete

Sam

He is pretty great

Remus

No you have to understand

Hes soooooo best

Sam

Lol

I will let him know

How best you think he is

Remus

Yayyyy

He loves you

Sam

You reckon?

Remus

YESSS

You can tell

When we were in first year

He has this girlfriend

Called Cressida

But I never liked her

But don’t tell him that

Because I said I she looked banging

Because that’s what james said

And she made him sad

And he used to love her

But now when he sees you

He looks at you with like TEN more eyes

Sam

Well

That is a lot of eyes

Remus

Yeh

And also

He actually told me

Sam

Told you what?

Remus

That he loves you

Pete

I can’t believe that bastard threw me under the bus like this

Sam

Oh Petey

I’m sorry

Pete

Any chance you could like

Forget that conversation ever happened?

Until this evening?

When I could maybe tell you

Without a drunk dickhead doing it for me?

Sam

Anything for you

Pete

Cheers Angel

------------------------------

Cereal Killer

Wormy

You’re dead to me

Moony

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam

Erm

Bit of a problem mate

Siriusly

What??

Jam

I can’t get Moony to come with

Siriusly

Why not?

Just drag him out

Jam

I’ve tried!

But he’s adamant that your shift behind the bar starts at 6

And is refusing to leave until he sees you

he wants to order a screaming orgasm

 Siriusly

He doesn’t even like amaretto!

Bugger me

Jam

Yeh

I wouldn’t let him hear you say that

He has been VERY vocal

About how much he wants into your pants

Siriusly

I need to come and get him don’t I

Jam

Thank god

I was hoping you’d say that

YES PLEASE

He keeps trying to sneak his hand into my back pocket

Siriusly

Give me half an hour

And for fucks sake get him to drink some water

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Pete

Are you ready kids?

James

Aye aye Captain!

Pete

I CAN’T HEAR YOOOOOU!

Marlene

AYE AYE CAPTAIN!

Pete

Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Who got really drunk and took off his shirt?

Alice

ReMus LuPin!

Pete

Who told Liam the barman he was a hot flirt?

Sirius

rEMUS lUPIN!

Pete

Who tripped and fell down and was then sick by his cat?

Lily

rEmUs LuPiN!

Pete

Who burst into tears ‘cause he thought his arse had gone flat?

Dorcas

REMUS LUPIN

Pete

Ready?

James
 Remus Lupin!

Lily

Remus Lupin!

Sirius

Remus Lupin!

Pete

Re-mussssss Lupiiiiiin!

Alice

Do do do do do do

do

Do do!

Remus

This is just the worst time

What has even happened?

Marlene

Mate

You were so drunk last night

Remus

No I wasn’t!

Sirius

Rem

You cut open a pineapple yelling

‘SPONGE BOB I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE’

Remus
 Oh

That explains the song

Pete

Hence the song

Lily

We all got many a message

All very complimentary

Alice

You don’t get smashed very often

But when you do

It really is a go hard or go home situ isn’t it

Remus

Well it’s James’ fault!

James

How is it my fault!

Remus

I don’t know!

But it is

I don’t feel well

I need a cuddle

Where’s my Pads?

Sirius

Oh Remusaur

I’ll be ten minutes

 I went to get you a mocha and a chocolate croissant

And some more disinfectant

Because of the sick

Remus

My whole body aches

Dorcas

Ooooo!

Why??

From some rigorous activity perhaps?

Alice

HAHAHA

Dorcas saying what everyone else is thinking!

Sirius

Hilarious

He was waaaaay to drunk for that

Pity really

I was in the mood too

Probably would have just given in

Got on my knees…

Remus

Goddam it James!

James

Hey!
 Chapter 23

Jily

Missed call from James

Lily

Sorry I was in Aldi

James

No worries

Get anything good?

Lily

A few bits

Got a few Christmassy bits

To take to mum and dads

James

That’s good

Lily

You were ringing to tell me you’re too hungover to drive

Weren’t you

James

Lils I’m so sorry

Lily

For fucks sake James!

James

I know

I’m really sorry

Lily

I bloody knew this would happen

You said you wouldn’t drink that much

James

I know

But it turned into more of a party than I expected

I got carried away

Lily

I knew as soon as Remus began texted all his shit

That this would happen

We’ve been planning to go to my parents for weeks James

James

I know!

I don’t know what else I can say

I’m sorry!

Lily

I don’t know what the fuck to do now

James

Well why don’t you go anyway

And then I’ll come down tomorrow

Lily

I don’t want to go without you

Petunia’s going to love this

No doubt Vernon will be there

Not hungover

My parents were doing a big family dinner tonight

Mums been going on about it for ages!

James

Lily I don’t know what you want me to do

Lily

I want you to be able to come to my fucking parents today!!

 James

Ok

Fine

I’ll just get in the car now shall I?

At least three times over the limit

Feeling like total shit

Lily

Well that’s your fucking fault

James

I didn’t say it wasn’t

Lily

I’m really pissed off

James

Yes

I realised

I’m going to go back to bed

See if I can sleep it off

And then I’ll leave this afternoon

Lily

Literally no point

You won’t arrive until really late

James

Oh my god

Can you stop being so difficult for a second!

I know that’ll be hard for you

Lily

Oh just fuck off James

------------------------------

My Ride or Die
Jam

Lily is absolutely fuming

Siriusly

Fuck

You def can’t drive?

Jam

Not a chance

I feel like actual death

Pretty sure I’m still drunk

Siriusly

Oooohhh J

Not sure what to suggest

Want me to drive you?

I could get the train back

Jam

Ah mate

What an offer

But nah

I’m not asking you to do that

Siriusly

You’re not asking

I’m offering

Jam

That is so unbelievably kind

But no

That’s a total waste of time and money

How’s Rem?

Siriusly

Whimpering naked on the bathroom floor

Jam

Lol

What a delightful image

Siriusly

It is #nothot

Jam

Is he still vomming?

Siriusly

Yup

I’d forgotten that he sounds like a dinosaur when he’s sick

Jam

Hahah!

Does he still make that weird roaring noise?

Siriusly

The sound track of my night

Jam

Oh dear

Siriusly

If you’re not going down today

Do you want to come over?

Might as well play nurse to the both of you

Jam

As much as I would love that

I actually don’t think I can get out of bed

Siriusly

I’ll come and pick you up?

Jam

Yes please
I need a hug

------------------------------

A Good Pear

Sirius

How mad is Lily?

Alice

So mad

Like literally furious

Sirius

Bugger

Alice

James has gone and fucked this

Sirius

I would normally disagree

But yep

He has

Although I can still see both sides

Its not like he did it maliciously or anything

We’ve all done it

Alice

Yeh

I thought that too tbh

Although I didn’t try and tell Lils that

She was NOT in the right place to hear it

Sirius

Fair enough

Alice

I’m just really glad J actually decided to stay

Rather than drive hungover

 I half thought he probs would

After last weeks debacle

Sirius

I don’t think it’s the hangover drive hes bothered about

It’s the fact that he thinks hes still drunk

And over the limit

Alice

He’s def doing the right thing then

Lils would never forgive herself if something happened

Sirius

I’d never forgive him!

And Rem would freak if he knew

Alice

How’s Big Dill doing?

Sirius

Not good Little Pickle

Not good

All i can say

Is that it's a good job I find him adorable when he's like this

Alice

Sirius

Try and put in a good word for my boy would you?

Alice

Course

They’ll be fine

She’s just stressed about going home

Petunia etc
Sirius

Well if anyone knows anything

About stressful family dinners

Tis me

Give her a hug from me

Alice

Will do

------------------------------

The PB to my J

Moons

Where are you?

You’ve gone

I need my emotional support Padfoot

Pads

He awakes!

Feeling any better?

Moons

Less like I’m going to sick up at any moment

More like if I don’t get Sirius cuddles I will actually die

Pads

Oh Remusaur

I’m just at Prongs’

I’m bringing him back to ours

Moons

Oh good

Can I go in the middle?

Pads

Course you can

Get comfy
 And we’ll be back to triple spoon in about 10

Moons

Oh god

I’ve just checked my messages

I sent Liam the barman a very unflattering selfie

And then a message saying

‘He liked it so he put a ring on it’

And then a picture of you

Pads

Christ Remus

That’s fucking hilarious

Do I need to be worried about this new found friendship

Moons

Very funny

Absolutely not

He’s quite good looking

But hes a bit of an arrogant twat

And anway

ive got YOU

Like literally couldn’t do any better could I

You’re perfect

Pads

You’re just saying that because I gave you a sponge bath this morning

Moons

Oh god

It gets worse

Padfoot

I told Sam that Pete told me he loves them

 Pads

Oh Re

You didn’t

Moons

Yep

Pads

Had he actually told you that

Moons

Nope

But drunk Remus likes to lie apparently

Pads

Petey gonna be maaaaad

Moons

He says I’m dead to him

Pads

RIP Wormtail and Moony

Moons

How long now

I need you

I’m not coping well

And can you get me a Lucozade please?

Pads

I’m just managed to get Prongs dressed

He was being v un cooperative

So about 20 minutes still I’m afraid

And there’s a couple of Lucozade in the fridge

I got them last night

Moons
This

This is why I’m marrying you

Pads

Not my arse?

Moons

Well

A little bit your arse

It is the finest

Pads

Damn right it is
 Chapter 24

The Marauders

Prongs

Well

She’s let me in the house

Moony

That’s a good start!

Prongs

Yep

Although I still feel I’ve got a bit of grovelling to do

Padfoot

Twas a bit of a fuck up Jam

Prongs

I am well aware

No doubt I’m going to be reminded of this

Over and over

Wormtail

Oh dear

Were L’s parents ok?

Prongs

Absolutely fine

Didn’t say anything

Moony

You schmoozed them with expensive wine didn’t you…

Prongs
I may have done

Padfoot

Ooo!

What wine did you take??

Prongs

A Pomerol

Château Haut-Ferrand

2008

Padfoot

Hmm

Not bad

Merlot blend though

Wormtail

Yeh Prongs

God

A merlot blend?

Moony

Amateur

It would have been much better

To go for a

Chateau de Ferrand 2011 Saint-Emilion Grand Cru

Padfoot

Oh fuck you both

Its not my fault I have refined taste bubs

Moony
 Sirius

I’ve seen you lick cold jizz off your hand

Wormtail

Oh christ

Moony

Did you really have to go there?

Moony

I really did

Prongs

Jizz tastes rank

Wormtail

Prongs

What?

You can’t tell me

In all these years

You haven’t accidentally had a little taste

Wormtail

NO

Moony

I don’t mind it

There are worse things

Prongs

Like cottage cheese

Padfoot
 Which itself does look a bit like jizz

Wormtail

Another day

Still wondering why I’m actually friends with you lot

Prongs

You love us

Padfoot

Except Moony

He’s dead to you

Remember?

Moony

Babe!

Why?

Padfoot

I dunno really

Bored?

Wormtail

Oh YES!

Remus!

Moony

I’m sorry!

I don’t know why I did it!

I was trying to help

I think

God knows what drunk Remus was thinking

Prongs
He’s a menace

To Padfoots

And Wormtails alike

Moony

Wormtail

Eh

All’s well the ends well hey

Padfoot

Eyyyyyy!

Go OFF Petey!

You do it??

Wormtail

I did it

Prongs

AND???

Wormtail

Yeh

Lifes pretty bloody good right now

Moony

YOU’RE WELCOME

------------------------------

Basic Bitches

Dorcas Ignatia

Turn around!
The other direction

No!

Turn around again!

Marlene Elisabeth

What?

Dorks where are you?

I can’t see you!

Dorcas Ignatia

I’m at home

But the thought of you

Aimlessly turning around in circles

Amused me

Marlene Elisabeth

You’re the worst

I got all excited

That you were there

Dorcas Ignatia

Sorry Marly

But you’re on your way home right?

Marlene Elisabeth

I was

But now I’m thinking I’ve changed my mind

Dorcas Ignatia

Oh sugar

Marlene Elisabeth

I would just like it to be know

That if I was with you

I would turn away from you

 With a look of disdain

Dorcas Ignatia

The disdain is noted

It won’t happen again

Marlene Elisabeth

I should hope not

Has Al left yet?

Dorcas Ignatia

Yeh

About an hour ago

She was well excited

Marlene Elisabeth

Ahh good

She misses Frank I think

Although she never says

Dorcas Ignatia

Yeh

That’s classic Alice though

She just wants to make sure everyone else is ok doesn’t she

Bless her

Marlene Elisabeth

Spoke to Rem earlier btw

Apparently James was shitting himself

About going to Lil’s

Dorcas Ignatia

Oh dear

She was SO cross yesterday though

Like

You rarely see her so mad

 Marlene Elisabeth

I know

Feel a bit sorry for James really

Dorcas Ignatia

I can see it

But also

He promised she wouldn’t have to go home on her own

and

then essentially bailed to get pissed

Marlene Elisabeth

Yeh I know

I’m not going to lie

I’m a bit worried about them

Dorcas Ignatia

Yeh

Me and Alice were saying that after you left this morning

I’m sure they’ll work it out

Marlene Elisabeth

I hope so

I just keep thinking

She resisted for all those years

And then fell so hard so quickly

I don’t know

Dorcas Ignatia

Yes

But on the flip side

James has loved her for years

Hes not going to let her go so easily

Marlene Elisabeth
 Hope you’re right

Dorcas Ignatia

I am

Im sure of it

You nearly home?

Marlene Elisabeth

10 mins

Dorcas Ignatia

Fab

When you get home lets cuddle

And when I say cuddle

I mean aggressively make out

And grab each other everywhere

Marlene Elisabeth

Mmmm

Yes please

Home alone too…

Dorcas Ignatia

Exactly

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Rem

Hey love

I’m just checking in really

You ok?

Jamie

Ahh Rem

You beauty
 I don’t even know if I’m honest

Like I’m here

And I think shes pleased to see me

But theres definitely tension

And not the good sexy kind

Like you and Padfoot had hanging around you for 2 years

Rem

Ok

First

Hey!

And second

I’m sorry J

That’s shit

Jamie

I know

I know I fucked it yesterday

But I really don’t want it to become this thing

That we keep revisiting

I just want to have it out

And then move on

Rem

Well why can’t you do that?

Jamie

She just huffs at me if I bring it up!

And then changes the subject

Rem

Ah

Jamie

Exactly
Rem

Maybe shes worried it’ll turn into a fight

And feels awkward that her parents are around?

Jamie

Maybe

But if we don’t talk about it now

It’ll be hanging over us all Christmas

I’ll try again in a bit

It doesn’t help that we have to sleep in different rooms here

Rem

The Evan’s are only trying to protect your innocence

Jamie

Well I am the innocent type

Rem

You joke

But you are a bit

You need to be protected at all costs

Jamie

That’s funny

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard Sirius say those exact words about you

Rem

He’s one to talk!

When we first met him

I just wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool

And carry him around with me everywhere

He was so fucking cute

Jamie

God

I know we say it all the time

 But how it took you both 2 years to get toeghet

I will literally never know

Rem

He was worth the wait

I’d wait a lifetime for him

Jamie

Yeh

I know you would

Rem

Go talk to her Jam

Fix it before you leave

All the bullshit about Sirius and I being soulmates

But you and Lily

You’re made for each other

Don’t worry about it

Jamie

I hope so

All things worth having are hard work right?

Rem

Absolutely

Off you go

Text me tomorrow

Jamie

Will do

Give Padfoot a goodnight kiss for me

Rem

Any chance of something stronger…?

Jamie

Fiiiine
 Give Padfoot a 30 second goodnight grope for me

Rem

Oooh!

Yay!

Jamie

Remember the rules though!

No licking

No biting

No sucking

--------------------------

Jily

James

I just knocked on your door

So I’m guessing you’re probably asleep

But I just wanted to let you know

That I think you’re beautiful

Goodnight Lilyflower
 Chapter 25
Chapter Notes

A little break from the Jily angst with a TW for Jily smut - which i've never written
before. As always I am very open to constructive criticism

My Support Bras

Dorky

@Als

@Lils

You will never guess who we just saw…

Als

OMG who??

Lils

Who?

Dorky

Remember in second year

When Marls decided she might not be 100% gay for hot minute

Lils

Oh God

Yes…

Als

Hilarious times

Do continue

Marls
 Dorky ☹

You said you wouldn’t!

Dorky

I lied

Marls

Mean

It wasn’t my fault

Stupid Sirius

He’s a confuser!

Dorky

ANYWAY

We went to Trash Tuesday

And Marly got off with that bloke

Als

AND WAS THEN SICK IN THE HOOD OF HIS JACKET

Lils

WHEN QUEING FOR A KEBAB

Dorky

WE SAW HIM!!!!

Als

Where??

Marls

In pizza hut ☹

Lils

Hahaha!
Dorky

That’s not the best bit

HE REMEMBERED HER!!

Als

This is amazing!

Marls

He asked me if I was feeling queasy

Lils

What a king

Dorky

It was so funny!

He literally walked into her at the salad bar

And there was this split second

And then he just smirked

Als

Oh babe

That’s rough

Marls

I had to pretend like I haven’t been stalking him on facebook

Since it happened

We had awkward chats

And I nearly asked how his girlfriend was

Whos called Daisy btw and is well fit

Until I remembered
 I don’t know him

Or bloody Daisy!

Dorky

Def in the top three of things that have happened this week

Lils

Ooo

What are the others?

Dorky

Finishing work for xmas

Obvs

And finding a fiver in my work trouser pocket

Als

Bollocks

The work thing yeh

The other is clearly sofa sex

Marls

Ha!

Try and deny it Dorky

Lils

You too do like to have sex on the sofa

Dorky

I’m saying nothing

I bought a toffee nut latte with the fiver

Als

I bet you did

Dorky

What does that even mean

Als

No idea!

Marls

How are things both?

Als

Good thanks

I mean Frank’s mum is terrifying

But I kind of like it

She makes a lot of fruit cake

Therefore we have to eat a lot of fruit cake

Dorky

Does she still have that stuffed vulture??

Als

Yeh

It’s proper gross

What about you Lils?

Lils

Eh

It’s ok

Marls

Clearly Lily speak for not ok

Lils

No it is
It was a bit shit when he first got here

I was still really annoyed

Even though I knew I should just get over it

I don’t know

Dorky

Has he apologised?

Lils

Oh god yeh

Like a billion times

But he kept wanting to talk about it

Making it all deep and shit

Marls

James is a talker though

Lils

I know

But for me

It’s like

You fucked up

Let me stew

And then we can back to normal

Als

Maybe he’s worried theres a bigger problem?

Lils

Maybe

Marls

Is there?

Lils
Is there what?

Marls

A bigger problem?

Lils

No!

Course not

I don’t think so anyway

Do you think he thinks there is??

Dorky

Wrong people to ask sweetie

He still there?

Lils

Yeh

Goes tomorrow

Als

I think you need to let him talk to you

Before he goes

If he thinks theres a bigger problem

You need to know now

Lils

Yeh ok

Shit now I’m worried

I know I overreacted

Fuck

Dorky

It’ll be fine
But Al is right

You need to talk

Marls

I am also on #teamchats

Don’t do a Blupin

Lils

Yeh

Fair enough

Ok

Thanks girls

I love you xxxxx

Als

We love you too Lils

Let us know how it goes

------------------------------

Jily

Lily

What are you doing?

James

Watching the tele

Lily

What are you watching?

James

Rick Stein’s Long Weekend

The Berlin one

Lily

Is it good

James
 Its ok

Your dad was watching with me

But they’ve just gone out

Lily

Thought I heard the car

Are Petunia and Vernon still here?

James

No

They went about an hour ago

Lily

Wow

I have been in the bath a LONG time

James

You really have

I was worried you’d fallen asleep

Lily

Nah

I’ve been talking to the girls

James

They all ok?

Lily

Yeh

You want to come up?

James

If you want

Sure

‘Why’re you knocking?’ Lily sat up, the water swishing around her, ‘I literally just told you to
come in.’
‘Not sure,’ James answered as he stepped into the bathroom, ‘Habit? From living with Sirius and
Remus, you never bloody knew what was going on at bath time. The numbers of times I walked in
to one of them on their knees.’

Lily pulled a face, ‘Something I could definitely have done without knowing. You want to get in?’

‘Erm, yeh, ok,’ James pulled his sweatshirt over his head, throwing it to the floor before tugging
off his pyjama bottoms, ‘Move forward a bit?’

Lily did as was asked, shuffling forward to make space behind her to allow James room and he
stepped in, stretching his legs out under her own and then pulling her back against his chest. She
tipped her head back to look at him and he smiled down at her, both ignoring the water that was
now sloshing over the sides and onto the bathmat.

‘How is the water still so hot?’

‘I keep letting some out and then putting more hot in.’

‘Oh.’

They lay there is silence for a while, James idly stroking over the soft skin of her stomach, every
now and then dropping lazy kisses onto the top of her head,

‘I love you,’ he said after a while.

‘I love you too,’ she looked down at his hand, ‘That feels nice.’

‘Good,’ he sighed, ‘I’m really sorry Lils.’

‘Yeh, I know. Me too, I know I overreacted and I know I’ve been a bit of a bitch about it yesterday
and today.’
James made a small humming sound, but didn’t contradict her, ‘I’m normally pretty good at not
fucking up,’ he said carefully.

Lily sat up again, half twisting her upper body so she could look at him, ‘I know J. Maybe that’s
why I was so pissed off? I don’t know. I was horrible to you, I know you didn’t do it on purpose.’

James looked back at her, ‘Come back,’ he said, placing large palms on the curves of her waist and
gently pulling her back towards him before running his hands down towards her thighs. She
squirmed slightly,

‘I’m all wobbly.’

‘You’re perfect.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are to me.’

Silence fell again as James continued to stroke up and down. Lily could feel him growing hard, his
cock pressing against her lower back. She leant back and he groaned, bending down to rub a cheek
against her hair and gripped her waist more tightly. She smiled,

‘What’s got you all riled up?’

‘You,’ James mumbled through a mouthful of hair, ‘You’re so fucking sexy.’

Lily felt her stomach do a pleased little flip, ‘Says you.’

She pushed back against him again and laughed as she heard the tell-tale sound of James’ head
thunking on the tiled wall and then a hand was coaxing her legs apart, slipping in between and
ankles hooking round her own to keep them steady.

‘James,’ she said breathlessly as he began to gently rub over her, ‘J.’
‘Let me. Please?’

‘Yeh. Yeh ok. You too.’ she made to reach behind her, the angle awkward, more water spilling
over the sides of the bath but a hand stopped her, linking their fingers together,

‘Just you,’ he unlinked their fingers, instead moving a hand round to thumb over a nipple, the hand
between her legs sliding further down, a finger slipping inside her,

‘Oh God, feels good,’

‘Good,’ James said, working his fingers faster, leaning down to place soft kisses on her neck, as
Lily began to move her hips in time, feeling James rut slightly against her,

‘Yeh, do that, do that.’

He sped up slightly, working his fingers in and out of her, every now and then bending to kiss the
side of her head.

‘Yes,’ she hissed as James twisted his wrist slightly and he grunted, pushing two fingers back into
her and stroking firmly, his thumb rubbing circles around her clit, unrelenting.

‘Almost,’ she breathed heavily, ‘Ah!’ And then James was reaching for her hand and bringing it to
her chest.

‘Play with them,’ James said hoarsely into her ear, ‘It’s so hot. Makes me so hard,’ and he slid his
hand away and upwards, splaying it just below her neck, fingers running over the damp skin,
letting out a groan as he watched her roll a nipple between thumb and forefinger.

Lily rolled her head back, rocking her hips and James mirrored her movements, his cock sliding
slickly over her skin underneath the water as she felt her thighs begin to shake,

‘So. Fucking. Sexy,’ James grit out and with one final jerk of her hips and a clever press of James’
fingers Lily cried out as her orgasm flooded through her. He continued to touch her, light brushes
as another wave of pulsed through her and then pressed down hard between her legs as her climax
ebbed away leaving her gasping.

‘Yeh?’ James asked, kissing the corner of her mouth,

‘Yes,’ she breathed, letting her full weight collapse back against him; she could still feel him hard
against her, ‘Now you?’

‘I’m good,’ he nuzzled her neck, ‘Wanted to watch you. All I need. Always.’

‘In a bit then,’ Lily said hazily, her eyes closed, ‘I should probably get out anyway.’

‘Yeh. Your mum and dad will be back soon. They’ve only gone to Morrisons.’

‘Ok.’

‘Come on. Let’s get out and then maybe we can talk about stuff.’

‘Ok,’ Lily said again, letting James sit her up, ‘Fuck there is so much water on the floor.’

‘You’re towel’s all wet’

‘Let’s cuddle in my bed until we’re dry then. We can talk there. You know we’re alright though,
don’t you?’ James smiled at her,

‘I don’t know why I ever doubted it.’

 Chapter 26

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Alice

Cheers!

All the mulled things!

Marlene

Lush!

Cheers you two

Pete

Cheers!

Look like you're having a good time

Like the mug

Alice

We're at this super cute Christmas market

Tis very festive

Remus

Well it is the season

Sirius

To be jolly?

James

Fa la la la la

Lily

La la la la?

Remus
 Yes yes

That’s quite enough of that

Sirius

But the gay apparel bit is next!

That’s the best bit

Dorcas

Because it says the word gay?

Sirius

Obviously

Dorcas

I see

Lily

Annnyway

What’s everyones plans for the next few days?

James

Sledding!

Alice

Oh my god is there snow forecast in Wales??

James

No idea

Marlene

What if there’s no snow then?

James

I’ll be sad

But of course that won’t stop me

Sirius
Oooo yeh

I could get in on some sledding action!

Make It snow Moony!

Remus

Oh babe

I wish I could

I love how you nose goes all pink when its really cold

Alice

Cuuuuute

Marlene

Is it just me

who can see Blupin

All cosied up in a log cabin?

James

Am I there too?

Marlene

No

James

Then no

I cannot

Sirius

OMG Re we should def go skiing next year!

Remus

Yeh no

Literally no idea how to ski

I will clearly fall on my face

Sirius

No you won’t

You’ll be fine

I’ll teach you!

I’m pretty good actually

Dorcas

Can totally see that

Sirius

I’ll teach you to fall backwards

Onto your arse

Then I can kiss

Lily

Yeh

I’m gonna stop you right there

Pete

Good call Mrs P

Marlene

I’ve never been either

I’ve been in on of those big zorb balls though

It was unenjoyable

Pete

Oooo!

That reminds me

The hamster ball for Padfoot’s stag has arrived!

Dorcas

Yes Pete!

Alice
Exciting times!

Sirius

Erm

Why is there going to be a hamster?

Pete

Oh it’s not for a hamster!

Sirius

What?

Why is there a hamster ball then?

James

Ahh mate

It’s going to be ace

Pete

I know!

Lily you still ok to grab that chicken wire?

Lily

Oh yeh

Course

12 metres right?

Pete

Please!

Sirius

What the fuck is happening??

 Marlene

Don’t worry about it love

It’s all good

Alice

I can’t wait

How are things your end J??

James

Pretty damn good!

Lils and I put the finishing touches to the Affirmation Station this morning!

Looks amazing

You’re going to love it Moony

Remus

The what?

James

The Affirmation Station

Remus

That clears up absolutely nothing

Lily

An Affirmation Station

Is an area generally characterised by a mirror

Surrounded by differing affirmation phrases and positive adjectives!

Everyone knows that

Remus

Right

No offence Jam

But that sounds really gay

 James

Well then moose

It’ll be right up your street!

Alice

Ha!

Remus

Fair

I walked straight into that one

Pete

Straight?

Dorcas

Alice

Well I’m well excited for it

Love a bit of self love

Sirius

I mean who doesn’t

Remus

Ugh that image

Yum

Sirius

You know it Moo

------------------------------

The PB to my J

Moons

Can I borrow one of the shirts that you stole from me?
 Pads

Yes you may

Thank you for asking properly

Moons

Thanks

I’m going to take the pink one

Pads

Mmmm

I love you in the pink

You look incredibly fit

Moons

Not as fit as you

Although if you like me in it

Why is one of the ones you stole?

Pads

I may have had a certain fantasy

I wanted to play out

That involved said shirt

Got it dirty

Moons

Oh God

Sirius Black

If you’re telling me you’ve wanked

While wearing this shirt

Pads

Yeh?

What would you do if I had?

Moons

Paaaads
Don’t do this to me

Pads

Oh Moons

This is hard for you isn’t it

Moons

Yes

Hard being the operative word

I’ve had a fucking semi for the past month

People are going to start thinking I’ve got an issue

Pads

And I can’t tell you

How willing I am

To help you with that issue

Moons

Yeh?

Well its all yours babe

Pads

Why don’t you come and get it then?

Have a go at me while you’re at it

You know how much I love your mouth

Moons

Don’t tempt me

You know I will

Pads

I know

Literally offering myself up here

Don’t make me do it myself Remus

Moons

Fuck
Why is you calling me by my actual name turning me on so much?

Pads

Come here

and I’ll scream you name

Moons

Fuck this

Literally no-one could say no to that

Oh my God Sirius!

Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were doing a jigsaw puzzle with Da??

I thought they’d gone out!!

Pads

There are no words

That adequately describe

How pleased I am with myself right now

------------------------------

Lupin Family Chat

Hope

Are you ok Remus cariad?

Remus

Yes

I’m fine

Hope

You swore very loudly, do you need help with something?

Remus

No mum

I really don’t

Sirius
You sure ReMUS?

Need me to come up?

Remus

No.

As I said

I’m fine

Lyall

Did you take an edge piece with you? We’re missing an edge piece.

Remus

What?

No

Obviously I didn’t take an edge piece with me!

Lyall

You seen very uptight Remus John.

Sirius

He DOES Lyall

Very astute of you

I know what Remus needs

A good joke

Lyall

Ah yes, a good ‘shout’ ‘Rus. I have just the joke.

Remus

I don’t want to hear it

Hope

Oh Remus don’t be like that. Some of you father’s jokes are very amusing.

Sirius
Yeh Remus

Go on

It might take the edge off…

Lyall

Are you ready?

Remus

Oh my god

Fine

Yes

I’m ready

Lyall

Sex.

Remus

What?

FFS

I don’t get it

Lyall

Yes, we know you don’t

Remus

OMG for the hundredth time

What is wrong with you??

Mum!

I can hear you laughing in the kitchen!

I hate all of you!

Sirius

This is already my favourite Christmas

 Chapter 27

Pam

Pete

Come over later?

Christmas eve it up?

Not to sound like I’m 15

but

my parents are out…

Sam

Lol

Does sound a bit Year 11 tbh

Pete

Yeh I know

I have major regrets sending it

Sam

Never mind

Pete

You want to though?

I could cook?

Or we could get Thai?

Sam

Yeh ok

Pete

Which one?

Sam

Don’t mind

Pete
You choose

Sam

I’m really not bothered

Pete

What’s up?

Sam

Nothing

I’m all good

Pete

Bollocks

I might be able to help?

Sam

I don’t want to be annoying

Although maybe less of the bollocks

Pete

Oh angel

One of those days?

Sam

Yeh

I bloody hate Christmas sometimes

Pete

Tell me?

Sam

It just

All the dressing up

And my parents are going on about our ‘Christmas Day’ outfits

And I was all set to wear that maroon velvet skirt

The one I got when I went shopping with Dorcas

But I got it out my wardrobe earlier

 And the thought of wearing it makes me feel sick

Pete

Oh Sammy ☹

I’m sorry

Sam

Yeh

Proper shit timing

Everyone’s all happy

And I’m moping around

Feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin

Pete

Does it help

If I say that I think your stunning whatever?

Sam

Oh Petey

I love you

No

Not really

Not at the moment anyway

Maybe pop it on the back burner for another day?

Pete

Noted and done

Sorry

Sam

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for

When I come over

Can I wear your massive University of Edinburgh hoodie?

Pete

Of course you can

I’ll stick it on the radiator

So its nice a snuggly

Sam

Yay

Pete

Bring your sparkly navy leggings

And we’ll get you all bundled up

Order thai

And watch The Grinch

Cuddles if you want them

And no cuddles if you don’t

Sam

That sounds perfect

And my sparkly navy leggings is such a good shout!

Pete

Well they are comfy

I v much enjoyed my evening wearing them

Sam

Oooohhh that was such a fun night!

Apart from the spillage

Did you ever get that stain out your crotch?

Pete

I did not

RIP my second nicest pair of jeans

Sam

It was nearly RIP something else!

Hot oil is no laughing matter

Pete

Yes well
I’m trying to block that part out

That’s the last time I borrow Padfoot’s deep fat fryer

It was nearly battered appendages for tea

And only terrible people want that

Sam

Oh I don’t know

I don’t think

Taking a bite out of a battered penis

Makes you a bad person

Pete

Just do me one favour

Sam

Sure?

Pete

Never say that

In front of Sirius and Remus

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

James

It’s nearly time!!

I’m going to be busy being a Lupin tomorrow

So

In advance

Merry Chrimbus!

Sirius

Merry Christler!

James

Merry Krumple!
 Sirius

Happy Chimbly!

James

Hippy Chombly

Sirius

Harpy Chriblurs

James

Heebly Choomnbus

Sirius

Haably Chramblimbles

Marlene

Oh my god

Stop?

Sirius

Oooo

Looks like we know who the group Grinch is this year

Marlene

Fuck off

James

That’s Happy Christmas

In Spanish!

Dorcas

Christ

Are you both pissed already?

Remus

No

Mum bought candy floss

Pads had never had it before

Sirius

Oh my god it’s soooo good!

I googled

And you can buy machines so you can make it at home

I’m going to get one

Remus

You are absolutely not

Remember what happened with the Mr Frosty machine?

Sirius

I grated my fingers ☹

Remus

You grated your fingers

Alice

I was there for that

There were actual shavings of finger in the slushie

Lily

Fuck me that’s rank

James

It really was

Although that cherry one was banging!

Marlene

Annnnd moving on

How’s everyones Christmas Eve going?

James

Marls
It is

SO FUN

At Moony’s house

Dorcas

Oh bless you

You having fun lads?

Remus

To be fair

Yeh

We are

Sirius

We miss Petey though!

Remus

@Pete ??

You’re v quiet?

Pete

I miss you too!

Sorry

Am with Sam

They’re having a crappy day

Lily

Noooo!!

What’s up??

Pete

Just stuff

Lily

Well I hope they feel better

Tell them I love them!

 Pete

Haha

They say they love you too

Alice

Add them to the GC!!

I miss them

Pete

Will do

Probs not today though

Dorcas

Whenever they want

Pete

They say they miss you all though

James

Me the most though right?

Pete

Yes Prongs

You the most

James

Yay!

Pete

You’re so weird

Love you mate

 Pete out until tomo

Speak then

Remus

Bye Pete!

Love you!

Sirius

Bye best Best Man

You go look after your Sam

Marlene

Lord

All the love this eve

James

It’s the Christmas spirit!

You need Hope to sort you out

She’s done us these Christmas Eve boxes

Sirius

They have our names on!!

James

Dorcas

Oh I’m well jel!

James

You should be!

It has Christmas pjs in

Hot chocolate
A stocking that Lyall emboridered my name on

REINDEER FOOD

These suuuuper fuzzy dicks

Lily

Oooh J

You sure about that?

Alice

Hope really has UPED the anti this year…

Marlene

Remus

Hey!

I don’t get it

But I don’t appreciate it!

That’s my mummy you’re talking about

Sirius

Re

I was in the kitchen earlier with the mums

And I swear to God

Hope said

‘Do you want to hear a joke about Lyall’s penis?

Oh wait, never mind, it’s too long.’

And then they both just giggled like actual school girls

Remus

I am enjoying this day

Less and less as time goes on

James

*SOCKS

Lily

Yes babe

We got that

Dorcas

Never mind Rem

As long as you don’t get a lump of cock in your stocking tomorrow hey?

Remus

Not you too!

Although

I’d be hard pressed to say no that that if I’m honest

Sirius

Mmmm

You can be hard pressed against me any time handsome

Remus

STOP TRYING TO LURE ME IN WITH YOUR DIRTY TALK

And your face

And your hair

And your shirt sleeves rolled up

And your arse

Oh god your arse

I can’t do it

I’m going to have a shower

James

Moony’s mad!

Don’t worry Moose

I’ll come keep you company in the bathroom!

Alice

Erm James?

James

Yeh?

Alice

You know what

Never mind!

Happy Christmas Eve all!

 Chapter 28
Chapter Notes

Need the fluff atm

‘You awake?’ Sirius whispered, as he nudged the bedroom door closed, blocking out the weak
winter sunlight that had been streaming in from the landing. He had a cup of tea held in each hand,
a net of chocolate coins dangling from in between his teeth. Remus made a disgruntled noise and
rolled over, propping himself up on his elbows but then smiled sleepily back at Sirius, rubbing his
eyes.

‘More or less. Happy Christmas Padfoot.’

‘Happy Christmas my Moony,’ Sirius said softly, putting the two mugs on the bedside table and
then handing Remus the net of chocolate coins, which he immediately split open, grabbing a
couple and peeling off the gold foil.

‘Yum, thanks babe,’ Remus popped another coin into his mouth, ‘Where’s Prongs?’

‘Gone for his Christmas run. Did you not hear him trying to find his kit?’

‘I heard you throw something at him,’ Remus chuckled.

‘Yes well, he was making a right performance about it,’ Sirius said haughtily, sitting down on the
edge of the bed and carding his fingers through Remus’ hair, ‘And you were sleeping. I didn’t
want him to wake you.’

‘You’re amazing,’ Remus sighed, leaning into Sirius’ touch, ‘Love you. Are the parents all
awake?’

‘Love you too. Didn’t see Lyall or mum, Hope and dad were in the kitchen doing lunch stuff. It
already smells amazing.’
‘I bet you twenty quid Da’s gone running with James.’

‘He did seem pretty keen last night and you know what Jam’s like. He loves a running buddy.’

‘His running buddies are not usually 68 years old, with recent history of severe head injury.’

‘He’ll be fine Re,’

‘He better bloody be. I don’t want another hospital drama. I should probably get up, I said I’d help
with the veg,’ Remus sat up further and stretched out his arms behind his back with a satisfied
groan and was just about to swing his legs round when Sirius clambered onto the bed, swinging a
leg over Remus’ thighs, straddling him, ‘No wait, what are you doing?’

‘Nothing,’ Sirius said, pushing Remus gently so he fell back against the pillow, ‘Absolutely
nothing.’ He leant down too, so they were lying chests pressed together and Sirius buried his face
in the crook of Remus’ neck, hot breath fanning over the still sleep warm skin.

‘Oh no, this is the opposite of our goal,’ Remus said, although he made no attempt to move either
himself or Sirius, instead sliding both hands up the back of Sirius’ jumper and stroking along his
spine.

‘Task failed successfully,’ Sirius said, voice muffled and Remus let out a half laugh half moan as
Sirius began to suck gently on Remus’ collar bone.

‘Am I getting you for Christmas?’ Remus asked, slightly breathless as he tipped his head to the side
to give Sirius more room to work.

‘Mmm,’ Sirius hummed now pressing hot, open mouthed kisses on Remus’ shoulder, ‘If you want
me.’

‘Stupid question,’ Remus ran his hands up and down Sirius back one last time and then moved
them down to squeeze his arse, thumbs hooking in the waistband of his pyjamas, ‘Kiss me.’

Sirius did so immediately, a hard and fast kiss that made Remus clench his fingers once before he
lifted both hands to cup Sirius face so he could deepen the kiss.

‘You taste like chocolate,’ Sirius said, pulling away, only a little so their lips brushed together as he
spoke.

‘You taste like you.’

Sirius kissed him again, ‘I could do this forever. I could live on the taste of you forever.’

‘Good job this is forever then,’ Remus said, pressing their foreheads together.

‘I know. This time next year it’ll be our first Christmas married.’

‘We can do one of those lame Christmas cards that says ‘Merry Christmas from The Lupins.’

Sirius smiled, ‘I can’t bloody wait. Now, where were we? Oh yes…’ he gave wicked smirk and
began shimmying down Remus’ body, trailing his tongue down his chest until he was positioned in
between Remus’ legs. He glanced up, the question in his eyes and Remus groaned, head thumping
back against the pillow as Sirius began to mouth softly over the bulge in Remus’ pyjamas.

‘Fuck, how does that feel so good?’ Remus huffed, as Sirius reached up, blinding groping for
Remus’ hand, guiding it to his hair and then sliding his own hand into his own pyjamas bottoms.

‘Oh God,’ Remus choked out, watching as Sirius continued to suck on the worn material. Remus
could see his arm moving slowly up and down and he tightened his grip in Sirius’ hair, ‘Can we,
can we turn? I want to see you.’

Sirius nodded, looking up at him, eyes blown wide and reached up to tug Remus’ trousers down.

‘Wait!’ Remus grabbed hold of his hand, he gestured with his head towards the closed bedroom
door.

Sirius let his head flop onto Remus’ stomach, as he heard the creaking of floorboards just outside
the room, ‘Ergh, fuck OFF Prongs!’ he shouted, ‘Things were just getting good.’

There was silence outside. Sirius looked back at Remus who pressed a finger to his lips and then
carefully rolled Sirius onto his side, pulling Sirius’ arm out of his pyjamas and slipping in his own
hand in its place.

‘Ngh,’ Sirius grunted as Remus gave his cock a squeeze and he was just about to return the favour
when the floorboards creaked again.

‘Oh my God James. Make up your mind,’ it was Remus who called out this time, ‘But I definitely
don’t remember asking you to be a massive fucking cockblock as part of my Christmas present.’

There was the sounds of someone clearly their throat and then a voice spoke, ‘Erm, it’s Pa.’

‘Oh for fucks sake Dad!’ Sirius exclaimed as Remus pulled his hand away and scrambled to sit up,
‘What are you doing??’

‘Oh don’t mind this old man,’ Monty cracked the door ajar slightly, ‘I was just seeing how the two
of you were getting on this fine Christmas morn.’

‘We were getting on fine,’ Sirius griped back.

‘Yes it certainly sounded like it!’ Monty continued cheerily, ‘Would you like a mince pie? I have
some here.’

‘What? Why do you have mince pies with you?’ Remus said bewildered.

‘Good morning Moose! Merry Christmas! Is that a yes for a pie. They’re delicious. Even if I do
say so myself!’

‘Um. Did you make them then?’

‘Oh not at all.’

‘Then why,’ Remus paused briefly, ‘You know what, never mind. Merry Christmas Monty. Sorry
we told you to fuck off. We thought you were James.’

‘No harm done Moose, no harm done at all. And I don’t blame you. James has never known how
to read a room. Issue with being an only child I’m afraid, he’s got no idea of boundaries.’

‘Hey! It’s not my fault I’m an only child! And I’m great with boundaries.’

‘Hi Prongs,’ Remus and Sirius chorused, both sounding resigned as James flung the door open
wider and strolled in, flopping down on the bed next to them, leaving Monty hovering in the
doorway.

‘Morning lads!’ James beamed up at them, ‘Who started it then?’

‘Sirius,’ Remus said just as Sirius said, ‘Remus.’

‘Hey!’ Remus said, grabbing Sirius around the waist and pulling him flush against his chest and
then dropping a kiss on his shoulder, ‘It was definitely you. I was all for getting up and peeling
carrots.’

Sirius grinned, ‘Ok. Maybe it was me.’

James gasped as he sat up, ‘Bad dog!’ he poked Sirius’ side and then poked Remus for good
measure, ‘Anyway, there’s no time for that. Breakfast! Come on!’ He leapt up and bounded
towards the door, snatching up a mince pie from the plate Monty was holding and stuffing it into
his mouth, ‘Come ooon!’

‘Better do what he says lads,’ Monty said, clapping James on the shoulder, ‘Don’t worry, with any
luck, they’ll be plenty of time later for your Christmas,’

‘NO!’ shouted all three boys and Sirius threw a pillow across the room. Monty gave a dirty
chuckle and winked at Remus once, before sauntering back down the corridor, James following in
his wake.
‘Come on you,’ Remus said after a second, sliding off the bed and pulling Sirius with him, ‘We
better go down.’

‘Yeh, ok,’ Sirius glanced over at the bedside table, ‘We didn’t drink our tea.’

‘We can make more,’ Remus answered, pulling on a jumper and then gripping Sirius’ hips and
tugging him forward until he could kiss him softly, ‘Let’s go eat Christmas food and open
presents.’

‘Sounds good,’ Sirius said, kissing back, ‘I love you.’

Remus smiled, ‘I love you too.’

 Chapter 29
Chapter Notes

Not gonna like, I'm pretty pleased with myself about this chapter

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Not Fast, Just Furious

Marly

So

Something super fun just happened

Remy

Oh dear

Hit me with it

Marly

We’re eating lunch

And everyone just talking random shit

And out of no-where

Dorcas’ Grandma shouts across the table

‘Dorcas, when are you finally going to bring a boy home for me to meet’

Remy

Oh Marls

That’s shit

Marly

Yep

Remy

What did D say?

Marly

She just laughed it off

And

I know why she did

Like we’ve talked about it

That her Grandmother wouldn’t understand

And that she’s not ready to have that conversation with her

But I don’t know

I just thought maybe

Remy

Course you did

And I think it’s a natural response to feel upset

And probably a bit hurt

Marly

That’s exactly how I feel

And also the fact that her parents were sat there too

And her sister

And none of them said anything either

I know they weren’t particularly pleased when Dorcas first told them about us

But they’ve sort of come round

And it’s been ok being here

Ergh I don’t know

Remy

Feel like you’ve taken a step back?

Marly

Exactly!

I knew you’d get it

Remy

Well I’m not going to pretend I can empathise

I realise how bloody lucky I am

that literally no-one in my family gives a shit I’m gay

Marly

No but you can sympathise

I just needed to vent really

Remy

Well vent away

Call me if you want?

Currently not going anywhere

Marly

Nah it’s ok

We’re watching tele

And I know

Sirius is asleep on you yes?

Remy

Yes

How did you know that?

Marly

James just sent

His Christmas Blupin Bulletin

To our stag party group

Remy

Of course he did

Marly

How tight are Sirius’ jeans btw??

Remy

Pretty damn tight

And I am NOT complaining

Marly

Like literally

How does he get them on?

Remy

It’s not the getting them on

I’m fussed about

Marly

I bet it’s not…

He’s got a fucking phenomenal arse

Remy

This I am well aware of

Marly

How’s that going btw?

Remy

Well

Considering Potter junior tag teamed with Potter senior

to make sure I didn’t get my Christmas lay

I’d say pretty good

For everyone

Except Pads and me

Marly

Classic Potter

Boundaries?

What boundaries

------------------------------

I Do Crew

James

Blupin Update
Remus has now fallen asleep too

But before he fell asleep

He was whispering to Sirius in Welsh

Even though he was asleep

And it was ADORABLE

Lily

What was he saying?

James

No idea!

I don’t speak Welsh

Alice

It might have been a recipe

For like a ham and leek pie or something

Dorcas

Why would he have been whispering about pie??

Sam

Maybe he’s hungry?

Marlene

Maybe pie really gets Sirius going

And Rem was hoping his psyche would hear

Pete

Nah

The only food that gets Padfoot really going

Is when Moony makes him pancakes

James

And your fried bread

Pete

Oh yeh

And my fried bread

James

He still claims he came the first time he ate it

Pete

I like to think that he did

Dorcas

Why would you want to think that??

Pete

It would be the ultimate compliment

Sam

Is it really that good?

James

Yes!

I could definitely get myself off

Thinking about your fried bread Wormy

Pete

Ahh cheers J!

Marlene

Oh my god what is wrong with you all??

James

Rude

Pete

Rude

Alice

Yes well

James and Sirius wanking over a piece of bread soaked in oil aside…
 Lily

That image

Not gonna lie

A little bit of sick came up

James

Hey!

We’d each have our own slice

Dorcas

That’s what you took from that??

Actually don’t answer that

Did you want something?

James

YES!

Bit of a Christmas day lull

My two beauties are all cuddled up asleep

Perfect time to do Stag Playlists!

Alice

That’s actually a pretty good shout

Lily

Yep

I’m up for that

Marlene

We need the dads though…

Pete
 Give me a sec

Brace yourselves

Pete added Monty and Lyall to the group

Alice

Hiiiiii Dads!

Lyall

Monty

Dorcas

Oh yay!

Hi Monty and Lyall

James

FFS

I can hear you laughing to yourselves in the kitchen

Lyall

Happy Christmas everyone. I hope you are all having a blessed day.

Pete

Yes thanks!

James

Let’s start

The spreadsheet is ready

Remember it’s one song for Sirius

And one song for Remus

Or you can go for two general for both

Alice go!

Alice

Oh ok!

Right

I’ve gone for

Remus: Taylor Swift You Need To Calm Down

Sirius: Peaches I U She

James

Yes!

This is what I’m talking about

Alice starting off strong

Pete!

Pete

I feel v under pressure now

Ok

Remus: Bowie’s The Jean Genie

Sirius: The Stooges I Wanna Be Your Dog

Marlene

Oh my God Pete

That’s so spot on!

James

Cracking job Wormy

You go Marls

Marlene
Remus: Britney I’m A Slave For You

Sirius: Madonna Vogue

James

We are slaying this

Sam you want to go?

Sam

Oh

I didn’t realise I had to

Can I do joint ones?

James

Sure

Sam

Troye Sivan Bloom

And

Abba Gimme Gimme Gimme

Alice

OMG AMAZING!

Marlene

YAS

James

Yes Sam!

Lils?

Lily

I also went joint

Beyonce Crazy in Love

The Oh Hellos Soap

James

Oooo

Rogue choices

I like!

Alice

Literally in love with Beyonce

Sam

God same

James

Dorco?

Dorcas

Ok

This took me agggges

Remus: Kylie Can’t Get You Out Of My Head

Sirius: That one that has Justin Timberlake in

Love Sex Magic

Pete

Oh that’s a tune

Good call D

James

We’ve totally smashed this

@Frank?

You’ve been very quiet

Frank

Remus: Boy Meets Girl Waiting For A Star To Fall

Alice
 Oh Frankie

That’s too cute

Frank

Sirius: LeAnne Rimes Can’t Fight The Moonlight

Lily

Ok

So I actually feel a bit emotional about this

James

Frank

Coming out of no-where!

Nailed it

Frank

Cheers bud

James

Welcs!

Ok

Deep breath

Pa?

Monty

After extensive research on the Yoo Tube, I have decided the song for Sirius to be ‘Anaconda’ by a
lady called Nicola Minage. I have been working hard to learn the lyrics.

And for Moose ‘It’s Raining Men’

Alice

YES MONTY
 Lily

Marlene

Monty you absolute king

James

Get in Pa!

Two crackers right there

And finally

Lyall

Hit me with it

Lyall

I’d be delighted Prongs. I have also been on the internets and for Remus I have discovered the
‘Body Rockers’ who have a number called ‘I Like The Way You Move’ which I found rather
catchy

Dorcas

Oooh nice

I love that

Lyall

Thank you D. And for ‘Rus and song by a young lady called Willow Smith. I Whip My Hair Back
And Forth.

Lily

Oh God Lyall I can’t

Marlene

I have no words

To describe

How utterly perfect that is

 Monty

Lyall old boy. I think you dropped this

Chapter End Notes

Thank you to my lovely readers who have made playlists for the PB series and
inspired a few of my song choices!! I literally listen to them all the time :)
 Chapter 30
Chapter Notes

Not really sure what happened with this chapter but ♀️ what's done is done!

Wolfbucks

Jamie

Are you ready?

Are you ready for love?

Rem

Yes I am!

Are you?

Jamie

Well

I’d write a symphony

Just for you and me

If you let me love you

Rem

Yes but

I’d paint a masterpiece

Just for you to see

If you let me love you

Jamie

Let me love you!

So I ask again

Are you ready

ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE?

Rem
 YES I AM!

ARE YOU?

Jamie

YES I AM

YES I AM
YES I AMMMMMM

Rem

Whoop

Jamie

Siriusly tho

I’m nearly at yours

You ready?

Rem

Yup

Jamie

Sweet!

I’m excited

A whole afternoon of Moony time

All to myself

Rem

You going to tell me what we’re doing yet?

Jamie

Nope!

Although

What you wearing?

Rem

Erm

Jeans and a jumper

Jamie
Yeh

You’re going to need to take those off

Rem

What?

Why??

You said we were just spending the afternoon together

And nothing weird with happening!

I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you

Jamie

Chill your boots Re-moose

Tis all good

Also

I’m here!

Just parked

Rem

Why have you come in the car?

I thought we were going into town?

Jamie

Change of plans

Rem

I would like it to be noted that I am unhappy about these turn of events

Jamie

Duly noted and ignored

Let me in pleeeeease

------------------------------

‘I thought you had a key? Why do you never have it, good God James, what the fuck?!’

‘Well that’s not very nice Remus!’ James said, pouting through a grin, ‘And you told me you were
ready for love.’

‘James,’ Remus screwed his eyes shut and brought a hand up to press into the bridge of his nose,
‘Why are you wearing a tux?’

‘Oh reasons,’ James said loftily, barging his way past Remus, a large suit bag slung over his
shoulder, ‘Padfoot here?’

‘Yeh, he’s in the bath,’ Remus said distractedly, finally slamming the front door shut and hurrying
into the living room, ‘Prongs please, why are you dressed like that? And,’ he eyed the suit bag
warily, ‘What’s in there?’

‘Don’t you like it?’ James asked, ignoring the question and brushing some imaginary dirt off his
right lapel, ‘I thought I looked banging.’

‘Ugh, obviously you look banging,’ Remus conceded, ‘It looks like a very expensive suit.’

‘Oh it was,’ James said cheerily, ‘And on that note,’ he threw the suit bag, which hit Remus full on
and then fell to the floor, ‘Look alive Moose! Get your kit off!’

‘What? Why?’ Remus spluttered just as Sirius wandered into the room, completely naked barring
the towel he was using to dry his hair.

‘Oooh yum, is my Moomin getting naked?’ he came up behind Remus and plastered himself over
his back, ‘Hi Prongs.’

‘Alright Padfoot. And yes, he should be. Chop chop Rem, we haven’t got all day,’ he gestured to
the suit bag lying at Remus’ feet and then patted his thigh, ‘Padfoot heel! You’re distracting him.’
He looked pointedly at Remus who was shamelessly looking Sirius up and down.

Sirius pouted but stepped back, pressed a quick series of kisses across Remus’ shoulders and then
made his way over to James, throwing the now damp towel in his face as he reached him.

‘Looking sharp Prongsie.’

‘Cheers babe, you’re looking pretty buff yourself.’

Sirius grinned and flexed his arms before punching James in shoulder for no good reason.

‘What is happening?’ Remus asked, looking slightly desperate as he unzipped the suit and pulled
out a dark green suit jacket, followed by a white shirt and then the matching suit trousers, ‘Why do
I have to wear this and, christ Sirius! What are you doing?’

Sirius, who had just bent down, looked up at him, ‘I think I’ve cut my toe.’

Remus let out a high pitched, rather wounded sound as Sirius stayed bent double.

‘Oh bad luck mate, how’d you manage that?’ James leant forward to look at the toe Sirius was now
waggling in front of him and then looked up again, ‘Rem! Less starring at Padfoot’s arse, more
changing!’

‘But I, I don’t,’ Remus tailed off, seemingly unable to take his eyes off Sirius’ bent over form,
‘What? Shit, sorry. Sirius babe, I love you but you need to go and put some clothes on. I can’t
concentrate with you looking like that.’

‘Hmm? Oh sorry gorgeous,’ Sirius straightened up, ‘Yeh, I better go get dressed. Pete’ll be here
any second.’ He turned to walk back down the hallway towards the bedroom,

‘Wait! I need a kiss first.’

James rolled his eyes, ‘Of course you do,’

‘Ahh don’t be jealous Prongs,’ Sirius said, coming back towards him and kissing James’ cheek
wetly, ‘There you can have one too. Wait, is this for you Moo?’ he gestured towards the suit,
which Remus was still clinging on to.

‘Apparently so,’ Remus said, ignoring James’ protests of dismay as he chucked the suit onto the
sofa as Sirius reached him, ‘And I’ve no idea why.’

Both Sirius and Remus turned to look at James who shrugged, ‘I could not possibly say but hurry
the fuck up would you? We’re on a tight schedule here.’

‘Sorry, sorry,’ Sirius said, not sounding sorry at all as he put a hand on either side of Remus’ waist
and tugged him forwards, brushing their mouths together, ‘You’re going to look well fit wearing
that.’

Remus grinned, briefly catching Sirius’ bottom lip in between his teeth and biting down gently, ‘If
you’re good maybe I’ll keep it on until midnight.’

‘I better be a good boy then.’

‘My good boy,’ Remus whispered before pressing their lips together and kissing him. Sirius
responded instantly, lifting up slightly on his toes so he could deepen the kiss, pushing his tongue
into Remus’ mouth, moaning as Remus slid a hand down his back to rest of his bare arse, pulling
him into his body so their hips met.

‘I am literally right here,’ James deadpanned and Remus and Sirius broke apart, both hazy eyed and
smiling dopily at one another.

‘Sorry Prongs,’ Remus said, giving Sirius one last peck and snatching the suit up from the arm of
the sofa, ‘I’m changing, I’m changing,’ he pulled his jumper and t-shirt over his head in one go.

‘Mmm,’ Sirius hummed, reaching a hand forward to run his hand over Remus’ tattoo, ‘J, give us
like ten minutes and then I promise,’

‘No!’ James said, sounding outraged, ‘Get away from him you harlot!’ he batted Sirius’ hand away
and then moved to stand in front of Remus, ‘Moony’s mine for the afternoon! Go away! Put some
clothes on, no-one wants to see your semi boinging about all over the place!’

‘I do,’ Remus piped up from behind James. James glared at him.

Sirius looked down at his crotch and then back at James, smirking, ‘Can you blame me though?’

‘I mean obviously not, Moony’s a hot piece of ass,’ James said, twisting to give Remus, who was
now tugging on the suit trousers, a pat on the cheek, ‘But please do fuck off Padfoot. Moony and I
have important business to attend to.’

‘I’m going, I’m going,’ Sirius said, blowing Remus a kiss, who caught it and tucked it into his shirt
pocket, ‘Have a nice afternoon handsome.’

‘Thanks!’ James said, Remus being too busy trying to tie his bow tie.

Sirius snorted, ‘As if I meant you. Come here Re, I’ll tie it for you. Hey!’ James whacked the back
of Sirius’ head as he made to walk past, looking terribly pleased with himself.

‘How dare!’ Sirius cried, spinning round and sticking his hands under James arms and attempting
to pick him up and shake him.

‘Put me down! You’re getting ball juice on my new suit!’

‘Yehhh ball juice,’ Sirius said, deliberately rubbing up against James who reached a hand back and
began jamming his fingers in Sirius’ mouth.

‘Is it wrong that I’m getting turned on by this?’

‘Ack!’

‘Ugh!’

James and Sirius sprang apart and Remus burst out laughing as they both whirled around to scowl
at him, although Sirius was only partial successful,

‘Fuck me Re, you look like a walking wet dream.’ Remus winked at him and James groaned as
Sirius started towards him,
‘Absolutely fucking not,’ he grabbed Sirius hand and yanked him backwards, ‘We,’ he pointed at
Remus, ‘Need to leave. Now.’

‘You are just the worst,’ Sirius glowered at him, ‘And to think I wasted a kiss on you earlier. In
actual fact,’ he leant in and licked up James cheek, ‘I take it back!’

‘You can’t do that!’ James exclaimed looking extremely affronted, ‘You know the rule! No take
backsies!’

‘Well I just did!’ Sirius retorted smugly, ‘No kisses for Prongs.’

‘Well in that case, I’ll just take this one!’ James lurched at Remus, shoving his hand in his shirt
pocket and pulling it out, fist closed.

‘My kiss! I was saving that!’

‘That’s Moomin’s! You can’t take it!’

‘Well I just did!’ James said, in a ridiculously over the top impression of Sirius and then stuffed the
imaginary kiss into his mouth swallowing loudly.

Both Sirius and Remus gasped.

‘Yep,’ James popped the p, ‘I just did that.’

‘For shame,’ Remus shook his head, ‘Come here babe.’

‘NO!’ James shouted, ‘We are GOING. And for Christ’s sake Padfoot, put some clothes on, it’s
December and I don’t want you getting a chill. You know how your sinuses play up if you’re not
careful! I want you to make sure you’re wearing a scarf when you’re out with Wormtail!’
And with that he marched towards Remus, grabbed his hand and began dragging him towards the
front door.
 Chapter 31

The PB to my J

Pads

So

You know how James picked you up

Wearing a tux?

Moons

I do know

Yes

Pads

Well

Count yourself lucky

Wormtail has just turned up

Wearing lycra

Moons

PLEASE tell me

You have to wear lycra too?

Pads

Yup

Moons

Oh god

I bet your arse looks so good

Pads

It really does

Moons

Babe

I’m begging you

Pads

I’ve got you Moo

Moons

Christ

Not gonna lie

Extremely tempted

To think of some excuse

And get J to turn around

Pads

Yeh

Thought you’d like that

Moons

Where are you going??

I don’t want anyone else ogling you

That’s my job

Pads

And you are very good at it

No idea where we’re going

Wormy won’t say!

I asked if we were going to do something sporty somewhere

But he just laughed

And said ‘obviously not’

Moons

What else would you need lycra for though?

Pads
No idea

Moons

Weird

I suppose you’ll find out in a bit

Sirius

Guess so

Have you got to wherever you’re going yet??

Moons

No!

And Prongs is being very shifty

I was allowed to ask one questions

But I accidentally used it

Pads

Oh no!

What did you ask?

Moons

There was a crunchie in the glove box

I asked if I could eat it

Pads

Classic Moomin

Were you allowed to?

Moons

I was

It was delicious

Pads

As delicious as this…

Moons
 Good LoRD

I don’t think there’s ANYTHING

Literally anything

on earth

As delicious as you in lycra

Pads

You sure about that?

Because I’ve got something

That might change your mind

That I was planning on trying out this eve…

Moons

Any chance of a preview of that too?

Pads

Fraid not gorgeous

Moons

Siriussss

You’re killing me

Pads

I know

And its so, so fun

Moons

Fuck I can’t wait to see you later

I miss you

Pads

Miss you too

We can have all the snuggles later

Moons

Good

Need to spend midnight

 Wrapped up in you

Pads

They say that

Whatever you’re doing at midnight

On New Year’s Eve

Is what you’ll be doing for the rest of year

Moons

Well

I would very much like to be doing you…

Pads

I bet you would

I’m pretty doable

Moons

Understatement

I can literally turn myself on

Just thinking about you brushing your teeth

Pads

Oh god yeh

The way you spit in the sink is so goddam sexy

Moons

Well

I’m not usually a spitter

Pads

Fuuuck

Need to calm

This lycra is not forgiving

Pete’s already giving me shit for it

 Moons

Haha

Poor Pads

Love you

Pads

Love you too

So much

This time tomorrow

We can say that we’re getting married this year

Moons

I know

That’s just the best thing

Pads

Still can’t believe

That I get to have you forever

Can’t believe I found you

Moons

Sirius

I would have found you

In any lifetime

I would cease to exist without you

Pads

Oh Re

Being in love with you

Makes every morning worth waking up for

You are my everything

Moons

Together forever

Pads
Together forever

-----------------------------

Double P

Pete

Is Padfoot texting Moony rn?

Prongs

Like currently?

Pete

Yeh

Prongs

Yep

Pete

Thought so

He’s smiling at his phone so hard

Prongs

Stop my heart

Pete

I’m not even joking

Prongs

I’m pretty sure Rem just swooned

Pete

Man they’re so love aren’t they

Prongs

It’s adorable

Our OTP

Do you ever think about

What it was like when they first met?

Pete
OMG ALL the time!

Proper weird isn’t it

Looking back

They were so in love with each other

Prongs

I know

It was from the off really wasn’t it

Pete

Yeh

That first eve

In your room

Remus couldn’t keep his eyes off

Prongs

And Padfoot kept doing that blushing thing

Whenever Rem spoke to him!

Man he was precious

Pete

Do you think it would have been better

If they’d just got their acts together first year?

Like if you hadn’t interrupted that hug in the kitchen

On that first morning?

Prongs

Nah

Neither of them were ready

They needed it to happen on their terms

Everything happens for reason hey

Pete

Yeh

I can’t wait to watch them get married

It’s like the pieces of a puzzle

All coming together

Prongs

No Wormtail!

We agreed you’d stop bringing up the wedding!

I can’t cope

Oh God

Now Rem wants to know why I’m crying

Pete

Haha!

Oh Prongsie

What would we do without you

Prongs

Your lives would be grey and unfulfilled?

Pete

That they would J

That they would

Where are you btw?

Prongs

We’ve stopped for coffee

Having myself a flat white

Pete

Moony got a hot choc?

Prongs

Course

Pete

Fab

Well we’re just leaving

So give it
Another 20 mins?

Then we’ll be about 10 mins behind you

Prongs

Sound

Double P for the win!

Pete

You promised you’d stop calling us that

Prongs

I promised nothing

------------------------------

I Do Crew

James

I Do Crew this is Deer

The wolf is howling at the moon

I repeat the wolf is howling at the moon

Marlene

Hearing you loud and clear

Frank

Commence cage preparation

Frank

Roger that

Preparations underway

James

Lils

Dorko

How does is operation juicy steak fare?

Lily
 The prawns are swimming upstream

James

Fantastic

Al

Has the sun set over the horizon?

Alice

The sun has set in the west

And the fly is in the buttermilk

James

Sam

Updates on the birds stat

Do they go flying at the speed of sound?

Sam

Affirmative

They are showing you how it all began

Pete

Comrades

The star has fallen

This is not a drill

The star has fallen

James

IT’S HAPPENING PEOPLE!

Alice

THE CAT IS OUT THE BAG

AND A ROLLING GERBIL GATHERS NO MOSS

Frank

??

Marlene
 Erm

What?

Lily

Good Lord Alice

Alice

LEAVE ME ALONE

I’M TOO EXCITED

 Chapter 32
Chapter Notes

Sooooo - this chapter massively got away from me! I hope you enjoy it, i'm aware it's
probably not what a lot of you are expecting so I hope you're not disappointed.

Also - there are a fair few references to things that have happened earlier in the series
so if something isn't making sense to you shout and I can point you to the chapters in
the other parts of the series that will hopefully make things a bit clearer!

(And as usual, i've not proof read it - I will go back and do so at some point but just
wanted to get it out there!)

‘Wow! Pete!’ Sirius exclaimed impressed, as he stepped out of the car and looked up at the
imposing building in front of him. It was a typical Scottish castle, not huge, but no less impressive
for it, built from stones of varying shapes and sizes, each one unique. From a distance Sirius
thought it looked grey in colour but as he walked towards it, from up close he could see different
shades, purples and blues hewn into the rocks, darkened from the weather. It was small, more like
a manor house, save for one turret that was built up higher than the rest. The ivy draped stonework
was softened at the edges, perhaps from centuries of wind and rain, blown in from the sea. They
were high up, atop a cliff and Sirius craned his neck to look up, feeling the mist settle on his skin
as he watched the gulls crying as they circled the stark white expanse of sky. He shivered,
goosebumps erupting on his bare legs and thought wistfully of the cashmere blanket he and Remus
had spent most of the morning cuddled up under, just talking quietly, kissing softly. He shook
away the longing and looked back at the castle as his eyes took in the narrow windows
occasionally dotting the stone walls; he could hear music coming from somewhere and he turned
back to Pete, who was looking at him, eyes gleaming.

‘What do you think Padfoot?’

‘It’s beautiful,’ Sirius said, and he meant it; it reminded him of folklore and fairy tales, of the
stories in books that he’d read in secret underneath the covers when he was younger, of princes and
princesses living their happily ever afters and it reminded him inexplicably of Remus. He smiled.

‘Come on,’ Pete said, ‘Come and look at the view.’ He took Sirius’ hand and together they walked
the length of the house, drizzle settling finely in their hair. As they rounded the corner Sirius
realised just how high up they were, the clifftop, not 20 feet in front of them gave way to a sheer
drop and he could hear the sound of wave crashing against the rocks below. They continued
forwards, until they were almost perilously close to the edge; the horizon was gilded with silver as
the sun tried it’s hardest to break through the grey, the water bringing a flash of blue in the amber
light.

‘This place is amazing Pete,’ Sirius said, looking at him and Pete smiled.

‘I’m glad you like it.’

‘Why’re we here?’
Pete reached up a hand and squeezed Sirius’ shoulder once, ‘Close your eyes.’

Sirius raised an eyebrow but did as he was bidden, closing his eyes and breathing in salt and spray.
He could hear voices, not too far away, both familiar but the thundering of the waves and the wind
made it hard to make them out clearly.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Pete asked after a moment and Sirius smiled,

‘Remus.’

‘Sirius?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Open your eyes.’ Sirius blinked and Remus was there, standing in front of him, his hair
windswept and his cheeks ruddy from cold and looking as confused as Sirius felt.

He cocked his head to one side, ‘Hi Pads.’

And Sirius, who had felt like he was on the edge of something since they arrived felt something
inside surge, and he burst into tears.

‘Sirius!’ Remus exclaimed, distressed, ‘What’s wrong?!’

‘I don’t know!’ Sirius sobbed as Remus reached for him, pulling him in and wrapping both arms
around his shoulders, allowing Sirius the room to bury his face in Remus’ neck, ‘What are you
doing here?’

‘I’ve no bloody idea. Sirius, sweetheart, why’re you crying?’

‘I don’t know,’ Sirius said again, ‘It’s just the house and the sea and the fairy tales.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Happily ever after,’ Sirius’ voice caught on a sob, ‘They always got their happily ever after and
now I’ve got mine, and I never thought I would. I love you so much.’

‘Oh Padfoot,’ Remus said, voice cracking, ‘You were always going to be my happily ever after. I
love you too.’ He pushed Sirius back gently to rest their foreheads together, and Sirius smiled
through the tears, pressing their lips together for a moment.

‘Sorry,’ he croaked, ‘Not sure what that was about.’

‘Nah,’ Remus said, kissing him once more, ‘Don’t be. I missed you.’

Sirius gave a watery laugh, ‘It’s been less than three hours Re.’

‘And? You didn’t miss me?’

‘Oh every second,’ Sirius said watching Remus’ eyes crinkle at the edges as someone behind them
gave an exaggerated cough. He kissed Remus once more, ‘Can we help you at all Prongs?’

They both turned towards James and Pete, the former bouncing on the balls of his feet, an arm
slung around Pete’s shoulders.

‘Do you like it?’

‘Like what?’ Sirius asked.

‘This! The castle! Here!’

‘I mean yeh, it’s stunning,’ Remus gestured out towards the sea, ‘But I still have no fucking clue
what’s going on.’

James looked at Pete, ‘Shall we tell them?’

Pete nodded, ‘On three?’

‘1-2-3 HAPPY STAG DO!’ they both cried as James knocked Pete sideways with his very
enthusiastic arm flailing.

‘Come again?’ Sirius laughed.

‘Your stag do!’ Pete repeated, ‘You both said you didn’t want anything huge, neither of you
wanted to go abroad anywhere-‘

‘And,’ James chimed in turning to Remus, ‘When you saw the guest list and Sirius wasn’t on it,
your face physically fell. Like I literally saw the smile slide off your face!’

Sirius smirked, ‘Is that right Moomin?’

‘Oh as if you can talk,’ Pete scoffed, ‘When I showed you the list for yours you full on pouted and
then demanded to know why Remus wasn’t on the list! And when I said he wasn’t invited you
said you’d come but you’d refuse to enjoy it without him!’

‘Yes, well,’ Sirius lifted his chin haughtily, ‘I still stand by that,’ and he tugged Remus’ arm
around his waist and snuggled into his side, ‘Nothings any good without my Moo.’ Remus gave
him a squeeze.

‘Well, this is what we came up with,’ James continued, ‘The castle is ours, all weekend. We’ve
got various bits planned, starting with dinner this eve. We’re having a night out in Eds too so some
of the other lads can get involved but we thought this could be the real deal. The dads were invited
but they thought they’d leave you to it, they’re going to come up in a couple of weeks though. The
girls, Frank and Sam are all inside waiting.’ He paused and finally took a breath, looking at Remus
and Sirius, slightly anxiously, ‘So what do you think lads? Will this do for you? Castle and all?’

‘Oh Prongs,’ Remus sighed wistfully, eyes shining and he pulled Sirius tighter against him, ‘It’s
absolutely bloody perfect.’

‘We’ll finally get to visit that castle together hey Re,’ Sirius said softly, dropping his head onto
Remus’ shoulder and Remus laughed,

‘You’re not going to stand me up this time then?’

Sirius let out a short laugh of his pwn but shook his head, ‘No. Not this time. I still haven’t
forgiven myself for doing that. I thought about it over and over afterwards, for the rest of that year
really. If I had just had the balls to say something, anything, if I hadn’t been such a jealous twat
over Fabian then maybe,’

‘No,’ Remus interrupted, ‘Don’t. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You weren’t ready. I wasn’t
ready. Even if I could I wouldn’t change how things have worked out.’
‘Two years lost though,’ Sirius said, regret tinging his voice but Remus just turned him round so
they were facing each other, placing one hand on Sirius’ hip and the other against his cold cheek,

‘Pads. What’s two years when we’re going to together for eternity. You need the heartbreak to get
your happy ending, remember?’

Sirius’ eyes sparkled as more tears threatened to fall and he blinked them away, drawing Remus’
hand down into this own and turned back to Pete and James, who were waiting expectantly.
‘Thank you both,’ he said, ‘Re’s right, I couldn’t have asked for anything better, this really is
exactly what I wanted. Castle and all.’

------------------------------

They walked back around the house in relative silence, Sirius shivering slightly in the cold. He
gave Remus a little nudge, ‘So Moomin, you wanted me at your stag hmm?’

Remus bristled, ‘Ok first, bloody James shopping me when I’m trying to look cool in front of my
man,’ Sirius laughed, ‘And secondly,’ Remus continued, tugging Sirius ever closer with the arm
that was wrapped around his waist, ‘Obviously I wanted you there. I want you everywhere.
Literally,’ he added, letting his arm slide down to the swell of Sirius arse and rubbing it firmly, ‘I
would have you right here right now, especially dressed like this.’

‘And I would totally let you but hold that thought cos that reminds me,’ Sirius whirled around to
face James and Pete who were walking up behind them and he gestured up and down his lycra clad
body, Wormtail, what the fuck was this all about?!’

Pete stopped and tipped his head to the side and then just shrugged, ‘Shits and giggles? Needed
something to throw you off the scent. You can get changed now, there’s a bag of stuff for you both
in your room,’ and he laughed as Sirius flipped him off. ‘Well that’s not a very nice thing to do!
You like the lycra, don’t you Moony?’

‘I’m not sure likes the word,’ Remus muttered, eyeing Sirius arse and James snorted,

‘Yes, I got that from all the flopping around and groaning you were doing in the car. Prongs look at
him, he’s so fit. Prongs I want to go home, Prongs help me I’ve got a massive- ‘

‘Yes, thank you James!’ Remus flushed, glaring at him, ‘I think we get it, I like Sirius in lycra.’

‘Hell yeh you do,’ Sirius said as they walked up the stone steps towards a large, weather beaten
oak door.

James grinned at him, ‘Should be open.’

Sirius twisted the elaborately ornate iron door handle and pushed the door open, ‘After you my
handsome prince.’

‘Thanks!’ both James and Pete answered, barging forwards and Remus rolled his eyes, stepping
back to let them in.

‘Thanks babe,’ he whispered, pausing briefly to kiss Sirius’ cheek as he stepped over the threshold.

It was not what he expected inside; where the outside looked rather severe, all dark stone and
imposing landscapes the interior was bright and modern. The entrance hall was wide with high
ceilings, a sweeping staircase centred at the far end and along the walls hung various painting and
mirrors. There was a large wooden bench running along one side, backed up against the wall,
wellies and walking sticks propped up against it, giving it a lived in feel. He peered at the pictures
as he and Sirius followed Pete and James through the hall, glimpsing a rather grand looking
drawing room – grand piano and all and then a library with wall to wall shelves. He wondered
fleetingly if there was a library ladder and made a mental note to check later but the thought floated
away as he entered a large, airy kitchen and saw the girls, Frank and Sam all seated round a long
table, which was littered with cups of tea and packets of biscuits.

There was cheer as they entered and James announced, ‘Look who we’ve brought along,’ and
Remus waved as Alice threw herself at Sirius,

‘Yay, you’re here! Do you like it? Isn’t it incredible! Are you pleased? You have to be pleased,
your boys have put so much work into this!’

Sirius gave a chuckle, ‘Calm Alice. Yes it’s perfect, we’ve already said.’

‘Told you,’ Marlene said, smirking at James, ‘Nothing to worry about hey,’

Remus turned to James, ‘You were really worried we wouldn’t like it?’

James grimaced, ‘A bit. I was worried it was going to be too boring. I mean it’s not very stag doey
is it.’

‘I’m not very stag doey,’ Remus pointed out and James gave a half shrug,

‘I suppose.’

‘Prongs,’ Sirius said, giving his face a quick nuzzle, ‘How would we not like a weekend away with
all our favourite people?’

‘We just didn’t want you to be disappointed,’ Pete added and Sirius gave him a shove and then
pulled him in for hug.

‘Wormy. As if you could ever disappoint us.’

‘Rem come sit,’ Lily patted the chair next to her, as Frank hurried over to the enormous fridge in
the corner and came back holding two bottles of Bollinger. He handed one to Remus,

‘Want to do the honours mate?’

‘Sure,’ Remus said, taking the bottle and starting to peel away the gold foil, ‘I need to give it a
really good shake first though, right Pads?’ he looked innocently up at Sirius as he unscrewed the
muselet.

Sirius gave him an appalled look and snatched the bottle from him, ‘Don’t you even think about it
Remus Lupin,’ he glanced at the label,’ This is a 2008 vintage, you’re looking at about 200 quid
right here.’

‘Bloody hell! Yeh, don’t shake that,’ Remus looked at the bottle, ‘Who the hell bought that?’

‘Pa,’ James said, placing a handful of glasses down on the table, ‘He sent a case.’

‘Woah,’ Remus breathed, ‘That’s some fancy shit.’

‘Yup,’ Sirius said, expertly popping the cork and then passing the bottle back to Remus to pour, ‘I
reckon we’re worth it though.’
‘Here here!’ Sam said, taking the glass Dorcas had just passed them, and raising it in their
direction.

‘To Blupin!’ Alice declared loudly.

‘To Blupin!’ everyone chorused and for a minute there was nothing but the sound of glasses
clinking together and chairs scraping across the tiled floor as they cheersed.

‘Thanks guys,’ Remus said, pulling Sirius down into his lap and propping his chin on the top of his
head, ‘I know we’ve already said it but really, I don’t think I could have asked for a better Stag.’

‘Hard agree,’ Sirius said, tipping his head back to look at Remus and smiling before taking another
sip of champagne.

‘Oh my God!’ Remus said abruptly, ‘Does this mean I don’t actually have to jump out of a balloon
at dawn?!’ He looked at James pleadingly and everyone laughed.

‘Nope.’

‘Thank fuck,’ Remus said, slumping back in his chair, ‘I’ve been proper bricking it about that.’

‘I know,’ James said, ‘It’s been very fun to watch.’

‘I hate you,’ Remus deadpanned and James booped his nose.

‘The hamster ball, the chicken wire?’ Sirius asked Pete and Pete shook his head,

‘Nah. However, you can carry on with the selfies of you in the knickers, I’ve grown accustomed to
my daily dose of an almost naked Padfoot. I’ll be sad not to get one tomorrow.’

Remus sighed wistfully, ‘Yeh same.’

‘Who says I’m not wearing a pair now?’ he winked at Remus who audibly moaned and then
looked at Pete who gave him a thumbs up.

‘Excellent news,’ Pete said, ‘But drink up Padfoot, we’ve got to get you ready.’

‘Ready for what?’

‘For dinner!’ James said excitedly, ‘You’re picking Remus up from his room at 7!’

Sirius groaned, ‘Christ that was so embarrassing.’

‘What was?’ Remus asked, looking confused.

‘Oh my God, even after all this time he’s still totally oblivious,’ Marlene sniggered and Lily patted
Remus’ arm,

‘You just keep being you Rem.’

‘No really, I don’t understand,’ Remus looked at Marlene and then jiggled Sirius around in his lap
so he could look at him.

‘That night I asked if you wanted to go to the cinema?’ Sirius said but Remus just shook his head,

‘What night?’
‘Ages ago. I asked if you wanted to go and see that Tenant film and you said yes and I said I’d
pick you up and you asked where from, so I panicked because obviously we were living in the
same house and I said your room. At 7. Remember?’

‘Oh yeh, vaguely,’ Remus said, ‘What about it?’

‘I was trying to ask you out you melt!’ Sirius said, ‘And then you went and told this riff raff – Hey!
Don’t pinch me! – and they tagged along. I was gutted.’

‘We went for Mexican!’ Remus said, a look of dawning comprehension on his face, ‘And I fell
asleep on your lap in the cinema and you were running your fingers through my hair!’

‘Yes! Wait – how do you know I was doing that if you were asleep?’

‘Oh, erm,’ Remus shifted guilty, ‘I may not have been totally asleep but it felt so nice and I didn’t
want you to stop.’

‘Fucks sake lads,’ Dorcas said in a disbelieving tone, ‘The shit you put your boys through.’

Pete and James nodded along solemnly, ‘Yes, it’s been very difficult for us,’ Pete said and Remus
lobbed a chocolate digestive at him.

‘Shut up, you love us.’

‘Well someone has too,’ Pete retorted, ‘Anyway, look sharp Padfoot, we need to go and get you
ready for dinner. Unless you want to eat in that lycra?’

‘I do not,’ Sirius slid out of Remus’ lap but found he couldn’t get very far as Remus had hooked
two fingers in the waistband of his shorts.

‘But I like the lycra,’ Remus said, taking leaf out of Sirius’ book and pulling puppy dog eyes.

‘Don’t you worry Moony,’ Pete said, unhooking Remus’ fingers and pushing Sirius forwards
towards the door, ‘He’ll look just as dashing in his dinner suit.’

‘I’m interested,’

‘Thought you might be. Let’s just say, in true Padfoot style I’ve gone for what they call form
fitting.’

‘Nice,’ Sirius said, ‘And you know what they say about formal wear,’ he sauntered back over to
Remus and straddled his lap, ‘You mustn’t ruin the lines and that means,’ he leant down and
dropped his voice to a whisper, ‘I’ll probably be going commando.’

‘Ngh,’ Remus grunted, grabbing Sirius by the hips and pulling him forwards, ‘I think I just came.’

‘Remus!’ both Lily and Sam exclaimed scandalised.

This time it was Dorcas who threw the chocolate biscuit which Remus proceeded to pick up and
eat, all the while looking rather smug.

------------------------------

‘James can you please stop!’ Remus almost shouted as James gave one more blast of the hairspray
can, making Remus splutter, ‘I’m sure my hair looks fine!’
‘Fine?!’ We’re not aiming for fine Moony,’ James answered aghast, ‘We need perfection. We need
drop dead gorgeous, we need – come back!’

‘James,’ Remus ducked out of his reach, ‘The week before last Sirius literally watched me throw
up through my fingers while I was lying naked on the bathroom floor, sobbing.’

‘Yes, well,’ James replied briskly, now dabbing cologne onto Remus’ pulse points, ‘We need to
make him forget all about that.’

‘Give me ten minutes with him in that lycra and I’d make him forget his own name,’ Remus
muttered under his breath.

‘No!’ James scolded, ‘Bad Remus! No sex before the wedding.’

‘And don’t I bloody know it.’

‘Never mind Rem,’ James patted his cheek and then looked around conspiratorially, lowering his
voice, ‘Maybe we could think about lifting the Blupin Bonk Ban just for the night?’

Remus eyed him suspiciously, ‘What’s in it for you?’

‘Nothing! Just want my Moony to get some.’

‘James…’

‘Hmm?’

‘James!’

‘What?’

‘Who’s your money on?’

‘What do you mean Remus?’

‘You know exactly what I mean. Who’s your money on?’

‘Irus,’ James mumbled very quietly, turning away from Remus.

‘What was that?’

James put the bottle of cologne down on the dressing table, ‘It’s Sirius ok! I’m sorry Remus!’

Remus gasped, ‘The betrayal! My own best man, betting against me.’ James had the decency to
look ashamed. ‘Has anyone actually backed me in this stupid bet?’ Remus wondered aloud.

‘Yes!’

‘Who?’

‘Erm, Lily.’

‘Just Lily?!’

‘And my mum! Although, I’m really not sure why, I mean I gave her the low down re: your sex
drive.’
‘Oh my god you did what?!’

‘Oh hush Moony,’ James shushed him and went back to fiddling with Remus’ hair, ‘You literally
can’t keep your hands off Padfoot.’

Remus hmphed, ‘No-ones got any faith in me.’

‘No, I’m afraid not.’

‘Well I’m going to show all of you.’

‘You do that Rem. Now, are you ready?’

‘For dinner?’

‘Yes for dinner. Your blushing groom approaches’ James held a finger to his lips and Remus
cocked his head to the side as voices sounded just outside the door.

‘Fucking hell Pete, stop fussing! Yes, it’s properly dry, you made me put it under the weird purple
lamp thing! It’ll probably never come off! Now, gimme those.’

There was a knock on the door and James strode over, pulling it open with a flourish.

‘Hey,’ Sirius grinned, standing on the landing, holding an enormous bouquet of flowers.

‘Fuck me,’ Remus choked out, looking him up and down. He was wearing a royal blue suit with a
cream shirt, a matching cream handkerchief tucked into this top suit pocket. His hair was thrown
up into his signature messy bun, the loose strands framing his face and, as he reached up to brush
them away, Remus saw that his nails were painted a sleek matt black.

‘I think I’ve died and gone to heaven,’ Remus breathed out, ‘You look like all my wet dreams
come true.

Sirius shot him a wink, ‘I’ve come to pick you up at 7.’

‘From my room?’

‘From your room. These are for you.’

‘Thanks.’ Remus came closer and took the flowers from him, ‘They’re beautiful. Oh wow, they’re
exactly the same as the ones you gave me-‘

‘When he met you off the train!’ James burst out, ‘Yay, you remembered! Now give him the thing
Moony!’

‘Do I have too?’

‘Yes!’

Remus looked at Sirius, ‘I’m so sorry about this,’ and he reached into his pocket with his free hand
and pulled out a slightly melted Double Decker and offered it to Sirius.

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, a smile threatening at the corners of his mouth and his eyes
sparkled, ‘Say it.’

Remus huffed, ‘Would you like a bite of my Double Decker?’

‘Hell yeh I would,’ Sirius took a step forward and took the chocolate from him, and then the
flowers, placing them gently down onto a small side table before reaching both hands up to Remus’
face and pulling him down into a kiss. ‘Mmm, you taste better than any chocolate,’ he said,
pulling away, chuckling as Remus chased his lips, ‘Shall we?’

‘Yes please,’ Remus said taking his hand and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. ‘You
two are ridiculous by the way,’ he looked towards Pete and James, who had their arms around each
other, looking smug, ‘Who’s idea was the flowers and Double Decker?’

‘Frank’s off all people,’ Pete said, ‘Well cute though right?’

‘Yeh,’ Remus tilted his head towards the flowers, ‘Remind me to look for a vase for them when
we’re in the kitchen.’

‘Oh but you’re not going to the kitchen,’ James said, as they followed him past the staircase and
round a bend to a different part of the landing.

‘I thought you said we were eating here tonight though?’ Sirius questioned, as James opened a door
to reveal a flight of stone steps.

‘Oh you are,’ Pete said, tapping Remus on the bum to encourage him to start climbing, Sirius in
front of him and the other two trailing behind.

‘Then why are we going up here and why is it so dark – oh! Oh my Lord!’ Sirius stopped abruptly
and then took a couple of steps forwards so Remus could join him.

They were standing in a small, square room. Cream coloured candles in all shapes and sizes littered
the edges, flickering in the darkness and strings of fairy lights criss crossed above them, strung
across the ceiling. Large trailing plants hung from hooks in the walls or propped up on little
wooden shelves, their bronze pots glowing in the candlelight. At one end of the room was a large
bay window, closed against the December cold and pushed up against it was a table, laid out for
two.

Sirius took Remus’ hand and together they walked towards it, looking out. The rain had given way
to a perfectly clear night, frost already creeping up the panes of glass, glittering in the black of
outside. Through the window an almost full moon had risen, bright and stark in the star studded
sky and further out its silvery light was reflected in the water. Sirius looked up at Remus, who
looked awestruck; he realised that both James and Pete had disappeared.

‘They’ve done good hey?’ Remus said on a half laugh, voice low, looking around them.

‘Abso-fucking-lutely,’ Sirius breathed, ‘Come here.’ Remus turned towards him, allowing Sirius to
slide his hands up his sides, inside his jacket, ‘God I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ Remus lowered his head to press a chaste kiss onto the side of Sirius’ mouth,
‘God, for some reason I feel really nervous!’

‘Never feel nervous with me,’ Sirius said, sliding his hands round to the small of Remus’ back,
pulling until the lines of the bodies were pressed together, ‘Never.’

‘Ok,’ Remus whispered, ‘This is proper romantic isn’t it.’

‘Yeh,’ Sirius whispered back, swaying them gently from side to side, breathing in the scent that
was uniquely Remus.
‘Now! Go now!’ A muffled voice sounded through the almost closed door.

‘I can’t! it won’t connect!’

‘Oh for fucks, give it to me. There, try now.’

‘MY ANACONDA DON’T, MY ANACONDA DON’T,’

‘No! That’s the wrong one! That’s the Double Dare playlist, that’s for later on, you need the
Horizons playlist!’

‘MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU’VE GOT BUNS HUN!’

‘James there’s like fifteen playlists on here and they’re all called really similar things!’

Remus dropped his head down on top of Sirius’ and they both dissolved into giggles as the music
continued playing loudly through the three portable speakers Remus could see dotted around the
room. The bickering outside got louder.

‘God they’re such dicks,’ Sirius said and Remus laughed harder.

‘Hey! We can hear you you know,’ James said through the door.

‘I know! Doesn’t make it any less true,’ Sirius called back as Nicky Minaj finally stopped singing
and Bonnie Tyler took over with Total Eclipse of the Heart, albeit much, much quieter.

‘I’m not sure this is any better,’ Remus snorted letting go of Sirius and tugging him towards the
table, pulling his chair out for him.

‘Why thank you Mr Lupin.’

‘You’re very welcome almost Mr Lupin,’ Remus sat down opposite him, looking round at the rose
petals scattered on the table, the faintly tarnished silverware glistening in the constantly flickering
candlelight.

Sirius immediately snatched up one of the three bottles of wine that were sitting on the window
sill, inspecting the label and humming in approval before looking at the others.

‘Up to standard?’ Remus asked, pouring them both a glass of sparkling water.

Sirius stuck his tongue out and hooked an ankle round Remus’ own underneath the table. ‘Do you
want red or white?’

‘Erm, red I think please.’

Sirius filled both their glasses and then lifted his own, ‘Well, to us I suppose. Happy Stag!’

‘Happy Stag,’ Remus repeated, clinking his glass against Sirius’ and the both looked over as
Marlene came through the door.

‘Marls! This is amazi-‘

‘Good evening Mr and almost Mr Lupin,’ Marlene cut Sirius off, ‘My name is Marlene and I’ll be
your waitress for this evening.’

‘I see,’ Remus said, schooling his expression.

‘I trust the wine is to your liking?’ she continued unphased, looking at Sirius who nodded, trying
but failing not to smile. ‘Excellent. And are you ready to order?’

‘Order what?’ Remus asked her.

‘You dinner, Mr Lupin.’

‘But there’s no menus.’

‘I can assure you that won’t be a problem. Our resident chef is extremely accomplished.’

‘Right. You wouldn’t be banging this resident chef would you?’ Remus raised an eyebrow.
Marlene ignored him.

‘Your orders please gentlemen.’

‘So we can have anything we want?’ Sirius asked, looking a bit bewildered.

‘Yes.’

‘How’s that going to work then?’

‘Oh my God Bloops,’ Marlene’s professional demeanour vanished and she popped a hip,
slouching, ‘Just have faith, ok?’

‘Alright then,’ Sirius paused, ‘Can I have risotto?’

‘Risotto please.’

Sirius and Remus looked at each other and then back at Marlene who looked very pleased. ‘That
shouldn’t be a problem,’ and she spun round and made her way back over to the door.

As soon as she’d disappeared into the darkness Lily and Alice came through, each holding a plate
and followed by James and then Pete, who was bizarrely clutching a flute in one hand.

‘Your risotto sir,’ Alice put down her plate in front of Sirius with a flourish as Lily did the same for
Remus.

‘How the fuck?’ Sirius looked up at James, ‘How did you do that?’ he demanded.

‘You two,’ James reached over and patted him on the head, ‘Are so pre-pat-dic-another pat-ta-ble.’

‘No we’re not!’ Remus said.

‘Go on them Moony,’ Pete interjected, ‘Tell us why you chose risotto.’

‘I just fancied it,’ Remus answered, a stubborn edge to his voice.

‘Moooose,’ James said, ‘That’s not why is it.’

Remus exhaled nosily, ‘Fine, no.’

‘Why did you choose risotto?’

‘Ergh. It’s the first thing we ever cooked together.’

‘There it is,’ James said, looking inordinately pleased with himself, ‘And Padfoot, why did you
choose risotto?’

‘Because it’s the first thing Remus ever taught me how to cook.’

‘As I said, predictable.’

‘Yeh, but you would have been fucked if I’d wanted bangers and mash,’

‘But you didn’t though, did you,’ Pete said smugly, ‘You should eat it before it gets cold.’

‘Smells amazing,’ Remus said appreciatively picking up his fork and grinning as Frank appeared
over his shoulder holding an enormous pepper mill and hovered over Remus’ plate, ‘Yes please
Frankie!’

‘Wormy, why – ah hot – why have you got a flute?’ Sirius asked through a mouthful of risotto and
the smile on Pete’s face dimmed slightly.

‘We’re here to serenade you!’ James said excitedly, ‘You’re going to love it.’

‘Wormtail, since when do you play the flute?’ Remus looked at him.

‘Prongs made me have lessons,’ Pete answered, looking rather pained.

‘Fuck off. No he didn’t.’

‘He did. And I’m telling you now Moony, I am not good.’

‘Prongs there is something extremely wrong with you,’ Remus told James who looked entirely
unbothered.

Sirius, who was eying the flute warily, looked at him too, ‘Can’t we just have this music?’

‘No!’ James said, ‘We’ve been practising, haven’t we Wormy?’

Pete nodded, ‘We’ve had to practise on Zoom. It’s been terrible.’

‘No it hasn’t,’ James brushed him off, ‘He’s exaggerating. Go on, pick a song!’

‘Any song?’ Sirius asked.

‘Yes.’

‘This is a trick like the risotto isn’t it?’ Remus said, shoving his fork into his mouth.

‘Maaaaaybe. Go on, pick one. What song do you want to hear right now, at this very moment?’

Remus looked at Sirius and his face softened, ‘God Only Knows by the Beach Boys.’

‘You’re damn right it’s God Only Knows by the Beach Boys! You ready ‘Tails?’

‘Lads I’m so sorry!’ Lily’s voice came through the half open door, ‘I tried to talk him out of it but
you know what he’s like,’

‘Hey!’

‘Let’s just get this over with,’ Pete sighed, ‘And then I promise we’ll leave you to it for a while.’
He brought the flute up to his mouth and gave an experimental blow, it didn’t sound too bad.
‘I’ll count us in then,’ James said, ‘And a one and two and a one two three four,’ and Pete started
up a painfully slow but actually quite tuneful rendition of the opening bars of God Only Knows as
James started to sing,

‘I may not always love you,’

Remus and Sirius burst into hysterics. James, as always was extremely off key but he was
undeterred,

‘But as long as there are stars above you.’

‘Oh my God Prongs!’

‘You as so so flat!’

‘You never need to doubt it,’

‘Please, I think I’m going to die,’ Remus clutched at Sirius’ hand, tears streaming down his face.

‘Wormtail as if you actually learned the flute for this you mug!’ Sirius struggled to get the words
out through his laughter.

‘I’ll make you so sure about it!’ James ignored them and raised his voice louder, ‘God only knows
what I’d be without you.’

‘Oooookay Jamie, that’s enough,’ Lily came striding into the room and clamped a hand over
James’ mouth, ‘They’re supposed to be having a romantic meal and this is definitely ruining the
vibe,’

‘Oh thank God,’ Pete said, gasping for breath, ‘I kept forgetting to breathe.’

‘You did such a good job Petey,’ Sam said following in Lily’s wake, ‘But I agree with Lils, I think
we need to leave these two to it.’

‘Yeh, ok,’ both Pete and James assented, allowing Lily to usher them out the room but before the
reached the doorway Sirius called out,

‘Wait! Prongs, Wormy, come back a sec.’

They did and Sirius stood up as they approached, Remus following suit.

‘I just wanted to say thank you again. I mean, I could have done without whatever the fuck that
was, but-‘ he stopped to shush James who had opened his mouth, looking outraged,

‘But,’ Remus continued for him, ‘Thank you for all of this. Thank you for putting up with us all
this time. Wormtail, thank you for learning the fucking flute for us. I honestly don’t know what
either of us would do without you both.’

‘Thanks for just being there, always,’ Sirius said and they all piled together, arms tangled and head
bowed so they were cuddled up.

‘You crying yet Prongs?’ Remus asked, speaking into the top of Pete’s head.

‘No. Shut up. You’re crying,’ James answered, sniffing loudly and Remus fumbled around Sirius to
grab James’ hand.
‘Love you guys,’ Pete said, his voice dangerously wobbly.

‘Love you too Wormy,’ Sirius said, ‘Thanks for being the best best friends in whole wide world.’

‘Marauders for life,’ James said, all pretence of pretending not to cry forgotten as he openly
sobbed.

‘Oh Jam,’ Sirius said as they unravelled themselves from one another, and he found Remus’ arm
and tugged him in front of him, pressing his chest against Remus’ back, ‘Marauders til I die.’

‘Marauders til I die,’ Pete, Remus and James chanted, ‘Marauders til I die.’
 Chapter 33
Chapter Notes

TW for Smut

Sorry this took so long; work is long and hard at the moment

The moonlight filtered ethereally through the tall, wide windows as Sirius and Remus made their
way along the landing to their bedroom, pleasantly full on good food and even better wine. Sirius
let out a happy hum, swinging their joined hands between them,

‘I really loved this evening,’ he gave Remus’ hand a squeeze, ‘I feel all warm and fuzzy and so
incredibly in love with you.’

‘Pads,’ Remus said softly, stopping to run a thumb over a sharp cheekbone and then tipping his
head up for a kiss, ‘It was a perfect evening. You’re perfect. I love you too.’ He kissed him
carefully, one hand cupping Sirius’ jaw, the other slipping round to press against the small of his
back.

They continued along the long corridor until they reached their door and Remus paused to push it
open and then stood aside to let Sirius through, ‘After you love.’

‘Why thank you,’ Sirius smiled as he stepped past him into the room, ‘Oh… wow!’ he chuckled
lowly, ‘James and Pete have gone all out.’ He looked around again; the room, like the tower turret
was filled with hundreds of candles, although this time they were battery powered, their soft light
licking up the walls, making the room feel warm and cosy. The bed was turned down and strewn
with rose petals and two sets of matching red and gold striped pyjamas were laid upon the pillows.

‘Ooo! Pillow chocolates!’ Remus said, walking over and picking up a chocolate, peeling off the
purple foil and popping it into his mouth.

‘And champagne,’ Sirius pointed towards a silver wine cooler, ‘and, oh for fucks sake Prongs!
Look!’

Remus came over and snorted. On a small green, metal table, just over to one side of the bed was a
can of squirty cream, some salted caramel drizzle, a pair of black and white spotted hand cuffs and
several tubes of lube, ‘Classic Potter move.’

‘Yup,’ Sirius agreed, looking back down at the contents of the table and then shrugging, picking up
the squirty cream, ‘Open Re.’ Remus opened his mouth and let Sirius squirt a generous helping of
cream onto his tongue.

‘Yum, I love that stuff,’ he licked his lips and then opened his mouth for more.

‘You’re so sexy,’ Sirius said, eyes twinkling as he deliberately held the can in front of his crotch
and sprayed the cream upwards, letting the white liquid dribble out and drip over his fingers.

Remus laughed loudly and Sirius grinned at him as he licked his fingers clean and then shoved
Remus so he fell heavily onto the end of the bed.
‘I was going to say let’s have a bath but should we just go to bed?’ he asked, as he reached up to
undo the dark velvet ribbon that had been holding his hair up. He let it fall to his shoulders with a
slight shake of his head and then went about loosening the slim, silver tie around his neck. There
was no answer.

‘Moons?’ Sirius turned to look at him and found him starring up at him, eyes roaming and hungry.
Remus shifted where he sat and Sirius’ gaze dropped downwards. He smirked and then cocked his
head to the side, ‘Or maybe we shouldn’t go to bed…’ He stalked towards Remus, who had just
very obviously adjusted himself in his trousers, and grabbed the lapels of his jacket, tugging him
up and turning him round, pushing him backwards until he was crowding him against the
whitewashed walls, warm yellow in the artificial candlelight.

Remus made a throaty noise, a cut off whine as Sirius slotted a thigh in between his legs and he
couldn’t help but roll his hips forwards, looking for pressure against the now very apparent bulge
in his trousers.

‘Uh uh Re, be a good boy for me yeh?’ Sirius tutted, leaning in and increasing the pressure.

‘I don’t wanna,’ Remus answered breathily, rolling his hips again, his head thunking back against
the wall when Sirius responded with a roll of his own.

‘Yeh you do,’ Sirius said, untucking Remus’ shirt and dragging his hands over the taught muscles
of Remus’ stomach, causing a sharp intake of breath, ‘Just like you said, just think how good it will
be.’ He punctuated each word with a sharp nip to the soft skin just below Remus’ ear and then
sucked, hard.

‘Ngh,’ Remus grunted, and he tipped his head to the side to give Sirius more room to work, ‘No b-
biting, no sucking, no, oh fuck!’ he rolled his hips harder, grinding against the thigh still in
between his legs as Sirius deftly undid the buttons on his trousers and slipped a hand into his
boxers, pressing a warm palm against Remus’ now very hard cock. ‘I can’t remember what the
other one was and I know what you’re trying to do, shit! Pads, keep doing that, please!’

‘I love you like this,’ Sirius murmured into hot skin, nosing along Remus’ jaw, ‘All turned on and
gorgeous and mine.’

‘Yeh,’ Remus said, eyes closed, shifting his body forward, desperately trying to increase the
pressure of Sirius’ hand against him, ‘Yours. No! Fuck, please!’ and this time a whine did escape
him as Sirius removed his hand. Remus went to grab the traitorous hand but Sirius was quicker,
grabbing Remus’ wrist and pining his arm up by his head.

Sirius ignored Remus’ pleas, pushing his arm more firmly against the wall. ‘You look stunning in
this,’ he gestured to Remus’ suit with his free hand, ‘So. Fucking. Fit,’ he leaned up, lips brushing
Remus’ ear, ‘Had to go and have a wank after you and Prongs left this morning.’

Remus let out a noise of pure desperation and Sirius smiled as he felt an overheated hand running
up and down his chest, fingers fumbling to undo his shirt buttons one handed.

‘Yep, I went into our bedroom, on our bed and I thought of you as I touched myself. Got myself
all wet and hard and dripping thinking about your fingers, your mouth, your teeth, your -’

Remus didn’t let him finish. He launched himself forward, breaking free from Sirius’ grip and
grabbed his face with both hands, kissing him hot and fierce. Sirius opened his mouth, letting
Remus’ tongue find his own as Remus shoved both his suit jacket and shirt off his shoulders and
then bent to press open mouthed kisses along his collar bones.
‘Fuck!’ Sirius panted into Remus’ mouth, feeling like the world was twisted on its axis as Remus
spun him round and pulled him back against him. He could feel Remus’ cock hard against his arse
and the thought that Remus was so turned on had his own cock hardening further, pressing heavily
on his fly. He moaned, grinding backwards as Remus swiftly undid his trousers.

Remus groaned hotly as he realised that Sirius had gone by his word and wasn’t wearing any
underwear. He let his fingers dip inside once, twice and then Sirius felt warm fingers wrapping
around his cock, beginning to stroke firmly.

‘Do you know how fucking hot you are?’ Remus growled, moving his hand faster, twisting it a
little and letting Sirius push his hips forwards, ‘How hard you make me. I swear to God Pads.’
Sirius could only grunt in response, all previous control disappearing and his chest heaving as he
pushed into the tight ring of Remus’ steady hand.

‘Remus,’ he breathed harshly, ‘Come on. Faster.’

‘Uh uh,’ Remus said and Sirius cursed his earlier teasing and he felt the smirk as Remus tugged on
his earlobe with sharp canines.

‘I deserved th-at,’ he choked out, voice hitching as Remus continued stroking him in time with the
movements of his hips against his lower back, ‘Oh god, I think I’m going to die.’ He thrashed his
head from one side to the other, the pressure building but just not enough feeling the sweat
prickling on his bare chest.

Remus chuckled dirtily, ‘You’re not going to die,’ he mumbled dirtily into the sticky skin of Sirius’
neck, the strokes on Sirius cock unrelentingly long and slow, as he slid his free hand down the back
of Sirius trousers and rubbed a dry finger over him.

‘Yesss,’ Sirius hissed, ‘Come on Re.’

Remus widened his stance, pulling Sirius back tightly against him, ‘I want it,’ Sirius babbled, ‘I
want it, yes, yes, fuck you need to stop, I’m going to come, I’m so close.’

‘You want me to stop?’ Remus asked, slowing his hand even further and removing his fingers,
bending instead to suck on Sirius’ pulse point.

Sirius whimpered, hands clenching and unclenching as the muscles in his stomach tightened, ‘No!’
he almost shouted, ‘Stop now and I swear to God I’ll kill you. Faster, please Re. Please. So close,
I’m so close.’

Remus sped up his hand, feeling rather than seeing the tell tale shake of Sirius’ thighs, ‘Come on
Sirius, come on,’ he whispered stormily in his ear and then bit down hard on the juncture between
shoulder and neck, grabbing handful of Sirius’ hair and twisting his head round so they could kiss.
The sharp pain mixed with the taste of Remus’ tongue and the feel of Remus hot and heavy against
his arse and Sirius felt his hips jerk, out of his control, his body spasming as he came white hot
over Remus’ fingers.

Remus kissed him through it, moaning into his mouth, ‘So fucking hot,’ he said breathlessly, still
rocking his hips, ‘Fuck I love you.’

‘Bugger me,’ Sirius said nonsensically, slumping forwards as Remus looped an arm around him,
panting hard.

‘Sirius?’
‘Hmm?’ He felt boneless, body still humming from his orgasm and he realised he was shivering.
Remus wrapped both arms around him and walked them towards the bed, toppling them both
backwards, one on top of the other. Remus sat up and hauled Sirius into his lap. Sirius could feel
him still hard and he tipped his head back questioningly. Remus looked down at him, but rather
than the hungry, turned on look Sirius was expecting to find instead there was a cheeky smile, one
of Sirius’ favourites but so very rarely seen. There was a glint in his eye that Sirius didn’t
recognise too.

‘Sirius?’ Remus repeated and Sirius blinked up at him. Remus smiled again and then leant down
to whisper in his ear,

‘Sirius. I win.’
 Chapter 34
Chapter Notes

TW for more smut - I mean they've got to make up for lost time...

Sirius woke suddenly, a feeling as if someone had been standing over him lingering in his
subconscious. He also has a sensation that someone has recently kissed his forehead, although
when he looked around he saw no-one. His was, he realised, freezing cold, lying naked on the bed
with no duvet. He pushed himself up on his elbows, brushing his hair over to one shoulder and
saw the bedroom door was ajar.

‘We definitely shut that last night,’ he mumbled aloud, mainly to himself and turned to his right,
where Remus was lying, bundled up in the duvet, the sides tucked under him. Sirius snorted, no
wonder he’d been so cold. He had just begun tugging at the blankets when a flash of bright yellow
caught his attention and he looked down to find a yellow post-it-note stuck to his bare chest.
Bewildered he peeled it off,

‘GET IT LADS! But Siriusly, hope you had a good night. Tea on the side, breakfast whenever
you’re up. Love Double P Prongs and Wormy xx’

‘What are you laughing about?’ a muffled voice sounded from beside him, and a large, warm hand
patted around the mattress until it found his knee.

‘Just Prongs being his usual,’ Sirius scoffed, ‘Good morning my little sausage roll.’

Remus made a disgruntled sound, ‘C’mere,’ and his hand finally found Sirius’ and linked their
fingers together.

‘I would,’ Sirius started, ‘But someone has stolen all the covers.’

‘What?’ Remus lifted his head a little, ‘Oh, sorry puppy,’ Remus rolled over slightly and lifted the
duvet so Sirius could crawl underneath.

‘Lift up?’ Sirius said and Remus let him slide an arm underneath his, which he curled around a
shoulder. He threw the other arm around his waist and then jammed a leg in between Remus’
own.

‘Mmm, much better,’ Remus hummed, snuggling back against him, ‘You’re cold.’

‘Yes, well,’ Sirius planted a soft kiss on the top of Remus’ head, ‘As I said, duvet thief. Also,
puppy?’

‘Shut up, I’m trying something,’ Remus pulled Sirius arm tighter around him, ‘You were a total
dog last night after all.’

Sirius bit at his shoulder playfully, ‘Last night was good then yeh?’

‘Yes,’ Remus sighed happily, squirming a bit as Sirius stroked a hand up and down his torso,
‘Yeh.’
‘Good.’ Sirius let out a slow breath as Remus started to rock his hips back so they were pressed
against Sirius’ groin.

‘Totally worth the wait.’

Sirius chuckled, ‘You’re a nightmare Moo,’ and Remus huffed a laugh, grinding back against
Sirius with more purpose, Sirius’ previously wanning semi now chubbing up against Remus’ arse.
‘James left us tea, it’ll be getting cold?’ It came out as a question and Sirius put one hand on
Remus’ hip, helping him shift his hips forward and back.

‘I don’t want James’ tea. I wanna fuck,’ Remus said throatily, placing his own hand on top of
Sirius’ and moving it round to his arse.

‘Fuck, yeh, ok,’ Sirius said, rolling on to his side and feeling around on the floor where he knew
there was an opened tube of lube. Once found he snatched it up and squeezed it onto fingers,
spreading it around and shuffling back so he pressed up against Remus once more. ‘Like this yeh?’
And he slipped a hand between Remus’ cheeks, who moaned desperately as Sirius began to work
him open with slick fingers.

‘Oh God,’ Remus breathed after only a few minutes, ‘Sirius, I’m already so close, feels good,’ and
he reached down to take himself in hand.

Sirius closed his eyes, feeling Remus hot around his fingers and started trailing wet, sucking kisses
down his neck and over his shoulders, watching Remus pump his own cock in time with Sirius’
thrusts. ‘I love watching you do this,’ he whispered, heart beating wildly and his cock giving an
almost painful throb, ‘It’s so fucking hot. I swear sometimes I think I could come just from
watching you.’

‘Well,’ Remus bit off a particularly loud moan, ‘I know I’ve come from just watching you.’

Sirius smiled, pressing his erection against the side of Remus’ thigh, relief flooding his body, albeit
briefly, ‘I’m very flattered.’ He could feel Remus’ abs clench, body trembling a little as he worked
his hand up and down and he bent to suck a mark at the base of Remus’ neck. ‘You gonna come
for me Re?’

‘Y-es,’ Remus’ voice cracked as his hand moved faster and Sirius took the opportunity to slide in a
third finger, twisting his wrist as he did so.

‘Fuck! Right fucking there,’ Remus cried out and then before Sirius could do or say anything else
Remus came, hips stuttering and his hand a blur.

Sirius nipped the side of his jaw, ‘You are just the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,’ and he laved his
tongue over the place he’d just bitten as he slowly pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the bed
covers and then groaned as he watched Remus slick the inside of his own thighs with his soaked
hand. ‘That’s so rank Rem,’ he huffed but he hauled his body closer.

‘I know,’ Remus sounded blissed out as he craned his neck to smirk at Sirius, ‘But you’re still
going to do it aren’t you.’

‘Fuck yes,’ Sirius said, shuddering as he slid between Remus’ thighs.

‘We need more lube’ Remus said, and he made to reach over to the little table where another tube
of ‘James lube’ as they had affectionately nicknamed it last night, lay.

‘Nope,’ Sirius said, grabbing his arm and pulling it back down, ‘No we don’t, shit!’
‘Oh,’ Remus said, catching on and squeezing his legs tighter as Sirius’ movements grew faster.
Remus pushed back against him, tipping his head back to look at him.

‘Fuck,’ Sirius cried out and with one last thrust he came too, hips jerking as his orgasm rolled
through him and he flopped down onto his back, letting the tremors subside. ‘Happy fucking New
Year,’ he panted and Remus laughed, rolling over to face him and swiping his fingers through the
mess on Sirius’ groin and then feeling between his legs.

‘Fuck me, I am covered in jizz.’

‘Gross! Don’t wipe it on me. Moony don’t you dare!’

Remus laughed again, his hand hovering by Sirius' cheek and then put his hand down instead
rolling on top of Sirius and kissing him, ‘Should we have a bath,’ he mumbled into Sirius’ mouth
and Sirius grinned back, dragging his tongue over Remus’ bottom lip,

‘I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had.’

 Chapter 35

I Do Crew

Marlene

Well

This is a rude awakening

Sam

Oh thank GOD!

It’s not just me

I feel like a right voyeur

James isn’t bothered at all!

Lily

Ha!

This isn’t J and Pete’s first Bloops rodeo

They’ve got form

Alice

J & P will crack out their weird Blupin sex code in a min

And then no-one will know what the hell is going on

Also

And absolutely NO judgey

But…

Is James in with Sam???

James

I WISH

Nah

We’re in the kitchen

Which is literally right below Moony and Padfoot’s room

We’ve been for a run!

Pete
 Ok first

Hey!

What about wishing you were in bed with me??

Secondly

Running

Big no

Lily

Aw come and snuggle with me Petey

We can eat left over chocolate cake

While those two stretch or whatever

Pete

Ooo yes please

Sam

I mean I could come back up

But I’m really sweaty

Pete

That would bother me less than you think

Marlene

Oh god

Blups have been rubbing off on you

Pete

They wish…

Lily

Literally couldn’t have proved that point any more if you tried

Bloody hell

What are those two doing now??

The door is wide open!

 Pete

Ooo Prongs

That noise is familiar

Reckon they’re having a go at Mouse in a Teacup?

James

Hmm

Not sure

Maybe a Billows and Poker?

Pete

Ah shit yeh

Remember when Padfoot first did that

Proclaimed it the best sex thing ever

And we had to listen to it approx. 3 time a day for a month

James

Yup

Although not as bad as the Big Pig Pog phase

Frank

The fuck you talking about?

James

MORNING MY FRANKADOODLE

Missed your face when I was making my coffee this morning

Alice

Frankadoodle?

I LOVE it!!

James

Good tisn’t it?!

 Alice

SO good!

Marlene

Why do I feel Frank isn’t a fan?

Frank

I could live without it yes

However

It is better than some

Alice

There are more?

TELL ME
I feel like such a sub par girlf

I just call you babe

James

Frank has all the names

Frankie

Frankster

Frankenstein

Franco

Franky boi

Frank the tank

Fronk

Lily

I particularly enjoy Fronk

Sam

I think Franco has a nice ring to it

Also
 What was that noise??

James

Leather bare boogie

Pete

Leather bare boogie

Sam

That doesn’t help…

Marlene

At least they’re having fun

Bless them

Dorcas

To be fair to them

It really sounds like their technique has improved

Since the bathroom times

Much more in sync

James

Well they’ve had a lot of practise

By past accounts

Reckon we’ve got another 5 mins before the bets are cashed…

Lily

Commmmmee ooooon Remus!

Alice

Nah

Sirius has DEF got this

Just walked past to go to the bathroom

Frank

Is it wrong that I’m lowkey turned on from the noise?

Come back to bed Ali

You looked so sexy as you walked out the room

Definitely woke me up...

Dorcas

Fronk!!

James

Get it Franky Boiiiiiii!

Alice

Oh Frankadoodle

Marlene

Didn’t think you had it in you Frankster

Well proud

Frank

And this is why group chats aren’t for me

That was obviously meant for just Alice

FML

Lily

Oh Franko

Could have been worse

Pete

Pals

I think it’s time

Rem’s begun doing his ngh ngh ngh thing

James

He’s right comrades!

Get ready to show us the money Flower!

Marlene

3-2-1…

Dorcas

Ooopp

I’d recognise that garbling sound anywhere

James

Annnnd that’s a wrap

Alice

Pay up Lils!!

Lily

Bugger!

I really thought Sirius would cave

I mean he’s such a simp for Remus

Dorcus

True

But Remus looks at Sirius

Like he wants to literally eat him whole

95% of the time

Sam

I still think y’all waaaaay to invested in this

Pete

Just give it time angel

Just give it time

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Sirius
Morning team!

How are we all this fine morn?

James

Yay

Morning Padfoot

You and the almost hubs ready for brek?

Sirius

Prongsie!

Thanks for the tea

You star

Remus

No that’s you silly

But yes Prongs

Cheers for the tea

You’re a deer

Pete

HA!

Marlene

#maraudersstrikeagain

Sirius

Abso-fuckin-lutely

We love our boys

Remus

Damn right we do

Being sirius for a mo tho

Everyone

Thank you so much for last night

It was just the best night

Sirius
Really was

Everything was perfect

Lily

And there’s more to come today

But I’m so glad you liked it

To be honest it was mainly Double P’s work

Pete

Lily!

No!

Lily

Sorry P

I agree with James

It’s catchy

James

See Wormy

I TOLD you it was a go-er

People are all over it

Dorcas

And talking of being all over it

How was your morning lads…

Remus

It was very nice thank you very much

Alice

Yeh it was

Sirius you dawg

Knew you’d break him babe

James

We don’t blame you Moony

Padfoot

Well

He’s as fine as isn’t he

Pete

I’ve said it before

And I’ll say it again

I wouldn’t mind a piece Padfoot

I feel you Moony

Marlene

A well fought battle

But at the end of the day

Its Sirius’ ass supremacy

Lily

Sigh

It is a very delicious arse

It couldn’t be helped

Remus

Wow

You guys really had no faith in me did you

Dorcas

We love you?

Alice

Umm
Sirius?

You’re being alarming quiet about this

Remus

Yes SiriUS

Why so quiet babe?

Nothing you want to add to this convo??

Marlene

Uh oh

Pete

No way

James

Padfoot?

Me ol’ matey?

Lily

Sirius??

Sirius

I’m sorry!

I couldn’t help it!

He went all feral

And manhandled me a bit

And fuck it’s hot as hell when he does that

Pete

But I swear this morning

We could all hear

You left the door open!

Sirius
It was last night

His hands

Guys

I swear they’re like magic

Especially when they’re

Dorcas

AND I think we’ve heard enough!!

Looks like an apology is in order Rem

Lily

Remus you BEAUTY!

I never doubted you for a second!

Remus

Now that I don’t believe for a second Lils

All you unbelievers

James

Moony is the MAN

Lils

Pay up bitches!

I’m gonna be so rich!

Remus

Yeh bitches

Pay the woman her monies

And Effie

Who is my new favourite person

Sirius

Ahem
 Remus

After my star

Obviously

Sirius

Better

Alice

The moon and the stars

My OTP

Marlene

Sorry for my total lack of faith Rem

Although

Be honest with us

How close was it…

Remus

Yeh

Well

If last night hadn’t happened

I would have had no chance this morning

I may have

Erm

Jumped the gun a little

James

Nothing to be ashamed of Moony

You just need a little more magnesium

Dorcas

You’re low on magnesium Remus?

0mg
Lily

I also heard he’s fresh out of potassium

James

0K

Marlene

Ooo

I’ve got one

Hey Moony

Want me to guess your salt level?

Remus

Na

Lily

YES REMUS!

Sirius

Wait

I think I’ve got something here

Alice?

Alice

Yeh?

Sirius

Boo!

Alice

OH

Sirius
That’s my girl!

James

Actually just choked on my water

That’s hilarious

Pete

James Potter

With the classic Dad jokes

Right there

Marlene

Oh God

I’ve just realised

The bet

Who’s going to break it to Da Lupin??

Remus

Oh I will

I’m gonna break it to him hard

And enjoy every moment

He’s going to rue the day

He bet on me and my sexual prowess

Sirius

I’m aware that that sentence

Is probably v dodge

But fuck me if you going all iron will

Doesn’t turn me on

Remus

Yeh?

Sirius

Y.U.P
 Remus

Team Stag

Have breakfast without us

We’re going to be a while

Lily

Close the bloody door!

 Chapter 36

The Marauders

Prongs

Did you know

That when you kiss someone passionately

Their DNA stays in your mouth

For at least an hour afterwards?

Moony

I did not know

Thanks for the info

Glad to see you're straight back to your studying though

Padfoot

Bizarrely

I did in fact know that

I looked it up once

Wormtail

Why would you need to look that up?

Also

Rem?

Moony

Yeh?

Wormtail

Padfoot needs his DNA back

Prongs

Aw mannn

I was going to make that joke!

But the other way around

Moony

Hilarious

The both you

Prongs

Oh I know!

The girls can’t keep away

Padfoot

What?

Prongs

I don’t know

Seemed like a cool thing to say

Wormtail

Super cool mate

Back to Sirius tho

Why did you look it up?

Padfoot

Can’t remember

Wormtail

I call bullshit

Prongs

Yup

Moony

Has he just gone to put his hair up

And then it fall back down?

Moony

Yes!
 How???

Prongs

Classic Padfoot tell

He’s lying

He does remember

Padfoot

I’m RIGHT here you know

Moony

How have I never noticed that though?

It’s so true!

Wormtail

Because whenever Padfoot goes to put his hair up

You’re too busy getting a hard on

I have literally seen you lick your lips

Watching him put his hair in a bun

Moony

God I love the fucking bun

You had it bunned the first time I saw you

Going up the stairs to halls

I tripped because I looked back to get another look

And Dad gave me shit about it for weeks

Prongs

HAHAHAHA!

Amazeballs

Padfoot
You’re too cute

Your hair was super curly that day

And your face was all flushed from unpacking

You looked lovely

Moony

Babe

Wormtail

Stop deflecting!

Why did you look up the DNA thing

Prongs

Yeh!

Tell us!

Tell us!

Tell us!

Padfoot

It’s really not very exciting

I read something in an article once

About DNA

And obviously with my background

Parents, family etc

I wanted to look at a few things further

And that was part of what I read

I’d rather not talk about it really

Wormtail

Hmm

Prongs
Moony?

Moony

Nope!

He did the hair thing!!

Padfoot

Fucks sake

I thought I’d get away with it

If I brought up the Blacks

Wormtail

As if we don’t know you well enough

Padfoot

Fiiiine

I’m going to look like a total weirdo

Prongs

I mean what’s new?

Padfoot

Rude

Wormtail

Get on with it please

I can already tell this is going to be hilarious

Padfoot

You can’t tell Remus

Moony

What?

Padfoot

You have to pretend ok?

 Moony

Erm sure?

Padfoot

Promise?

Moony

Ok

Padfoot

In first year

We went out

It was some random Thursday

And Rem bought this beer

And I was already super drunk

And I found him at the bar

And on the way back to the table

I worked up the courage to put my hand on his lower back

Moony

Oh my god I remember that!!!

My heart was beating SO FAST

Padfoot

Remus!

You promised!

Moony

Sorry sorry

Padfoot

ANYWAY

Everyone else went and danced

And Remus wouldn’t

So I stayed with him

And we were just chatting and shit

But there was this bloke who kept looking at him

And then eventually he clocked

And I lowkey panicked

And grabbed the beer and downed it

And dragged you off to dance

Moony

I’m sorry

I know I promised

But I remember this night SO clearly

We danced

And I have never wanted to grind on anyone so badly in my whole life

Prongs

Wahey!

Get it Moony!

Moony

No Prongs

I didn’t get it

Remember?

Padfoot

No you didn’t

That copper spanner turned up didn’t he

Moony

You went off with that girl!

Padfoot

Only because I couldn’t bear watching you and Fabian!

Wormtail

Yes yes

Wow you were both so stupid

 But this doesn’t tell us anything about the DNA thing

Padfoot

Oh

In the night

After we’d fallen asleep watching Aladdin

I googled whether drinking from the same bottle

Was like kissing

You know

Spit wise

Moony

What?

Why?

Padfoot

Because I wanted to kiss you you dumbo!

And that was the closest I was going to get

I was so in love with you already

Moony

Sirius

Padfoot

Don’t

I know it’s weird

Wormtail

At first I thought it was hilarious

But now I’m just a bit sad

Padfoot

Meh

Alls well that ends well

Prongs
Abso-fucking-lutely

Although I would just like to revisit

‘After we’d fallen asleep watching Aladdin’

Moony

I remember that too

We were in my bed

And I accidently put my hand on top on yours

And you brushed your thumb across it

I’ve never been so still

i didn’t want you to move away

Prongs

Lads

The sexual tension

And this happened what?

2, 3 years ago?

Padfoot

Yep

It was bad

I waited until you fell asleep Moons

And then just starred at you

Moony

Sometimes

When you came into me

Before we were together

I used to pretend to move around

Just so I could make our legs touch

Wormtail
 YOU’RE KILLING ME
JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY

Padfoot

You’re telling me

------------------------------

My Support Bras

Marly

Running late girlies

Start without me

Als

No don’t worry

Lils isn’t here yet either

Blupin booked out the fitting rooms all afternoon

We’ve got plenty of time

Dorky

The lady asked if we had any idea what we wanted

So we said no

Just gave her vague colours

So she said she’d just start bringing things in

Marly

Plan

Not going to lie

But I’m really feeling the jumpsuit

Als

Yeh

Lils said that too

I’ll say to the lady

 You never know

We might end up all liking the same thing

Dorco

Are you sure Remus and Sirius really aren’t bothered what we go for?

Marly

They seemed really chill about it

Well Rem is

Not 100% sure on Sirius

Als?

Als

No he said as long as we’re comfy

Dorco

I’ve never worn a jumpsuit before

But I’m up for it

Marly

So flattering

Well usually

Just a pain when you need a wee

Lils remember at Gid’s birthday last year?

Als

@Lils?

Dorco

Maybe no signal?

Basic Bitches

Marlene Elisabeth

Was Lily home when you left?

 Dorcas Ignatia

Yeh

She was in her room

Door was closed though

So I thought she was on a call or something

I knocked and said I was going

And she said ok and that she’d see me there

I had a few bits to do beforehand

Marlene Elisabeth

Oh that makes sense

I wondered why you didn’t come together

Now I’m wondering if I’m overthinking

But I did think she was a bit off thing morning

Actually I thought that since we got back from the castle

Dorcas Ignatia

Al said that too ☹

Missing James maybe?

Marlene Elisabeth

Possibly

Although

Dorcas Ignatia

No don’t say it!

I won’t listen!

Marlene Elisabeth

Knew it wasn’t just me

Dorcas Ignatia

They can’t!

They’re supposed to get married

And have beautiful dark haired, green eyed babies

 James has already chosen their names!

Marlene Elisabeth

Has he??

Dorcas Ignatia

Yes!

Henry if it’s a boy

Which they’ll shorten to Harry

And Luna-Rose if it’s a girl

Marlene Elisabeth

Oh those are so perfect!

Dorcas Ignatia

I know!

They can’t break up

I’ll be too sad

Marlene Elisabeth

Maybe we can see if she wants to chat later

Perhaps they’re just trying to work out the distance thing

It’s hard

Dorcas Ignatia

Yeh

I couldn’t cope if we were apart

I mean

You’re on my mind all of the time as it is

And at night I get to curl up with you!

Imagine if I couldn’t?

I’d be heartbroken

Marlene Elisabeth

Oh Dorky

I love you so much

 Dorcas Ignatia

Love you too

Lils just got here

Seems ok

Bit quiet maybe

Marlene Elisabeth

Good

Not the quiet

That shes there

I was getting worried

Maybe she’s just tired

Dorcas Ignatia

Probably

You nearly here?

Marlene Elisabeth

Yep

Bout 5 mins

Come meet me?

We can have a quick snog before the dress trying on commences

Dorcas Ignatia

OMW
 Chapter 37
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Remus added Frank and Sam to the chat

Remus

There

Much better

Sirius

Here here

Can’t wait to hear more about Frankle’s morning wood issues

Frank

Yes yes

My girlfriend’s fit etc etc

Marlene

You ignore him Frankstar

He just wishes he could have a piece

Sirius

Erm

Have you SEEN who I’m marrying next month?

I don’t need any help in the morning wood department

At this point it’s a given

Remus

I mean if you’re not having morning sex

Are you even having sex at all?

 Sam

I can’t believe that when I first met you

I had you pegged as the sweet and innocent type

Pete

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh angel no

Sam

Tis always the quiet ones

Alice

Can’t believe you can say you’re getting married next month Blups!!

Marlene

I know!

I’m so excited

Frank

You’re pretty much done with the sorting aren’t you?

Remus

Yep

Sam

Oh my gosh ladies

How did dress times go???

I completely forget to ask!

Alice

All sorted!

Was actually pretty easy

Sam

Pictures??
Dorcas

I’ve only got this one of the actual dresses

Lily took some

James needed them for his spreadsheet

Obviously

Sam

Wow!

They’re all gorgeous

I bet you all look amazing

They’re really beautiful dresses

Marlene

They’re sort of matching but not matching?

And I cannot even begin to describe to you

How hot Dorco looks in hers

Dorcas

And I’m p sure

James would have internally combusted

Seeing Lily

@Lils when you see this can you send the pics from yesterday pls

Sam

I bet

I can’t wait to see

Pete

Whose is whose?

Sirius

Marlene, Lily, Alice, Dorcas

Alice

Well remembered!

Remus

My boy doesn’t need no spreadsheet

Sirius

And he uses a double negative just for me

Remus

Which I found physically painful

But anything for you

Dorcas

Will you two be less sickeningly sweet

When you’re actually married?

Remus

Probably not

Sirius

If anything

I’m planning on being worse

Marlene

Literally not sure that’s possible

Remus

Anything’s possible when you’re in love

Marlene

God

I remember when I thought you were cool

Pete

Rem’s never been cool

When it comes to Padfoot

I once saw him snort chocolate milk out his nose

Laughing at something Sirius said

That definitely didn’t warrant that level of hilarity

Sirius

You scoff Pettigrew

But that exact moment

was when I fell in love with him

Remus

aw babe

you wrote that in your letter too

Alice

OMG what letter???

Sirius

What letter?

There was no letter

I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about

Marlene

There was a letter wasn’t there…

 Sirius

Hahaha no!

Maybe

Yes.

------------------------------

Pam

Pete

You all good?

Sam

Oh Pete

I knew you’d text

Yeh I’m fine

Pete

Sure?

Sam

Yes

Promise

They’re all going to look so amazing

Pete

Yeh

They will

But so will you

In whatever you decide on on the day

Sam

You seem very sure about that

Pete

Never been more sure of anything

Sam
 Well I suppose I should believe it then

Pete

Aye

Sam

Just waiting on Prongs’ seal of approval

Texted him earlier

But he hasn’t replied yet

Pete

Weird

Me too

He usually replies straight away

Although to be fair he might be in labs or something

Anyway

Want to do something this eve?

Sam

Am I allowed to say you?

Pete

I will allow it yes

Sam

Come to mine?

Everyone’s home

But we could go out for dins or something?

Pete

Or you could come to mine…

Elise and Dave are still here

Sam

As in I come and meet your sister?

Pete

Yep
 Sam

As in your favourite sister

Who

By your own omission

Has said on more than one occasion

That no-one will ever be good enough for her little brother

Pete

Yes

And I regret telling you she said that

Sam

I don’t know Pete

What if she hates me?

Pete

She won’t!

Sam

What if she does though?

Carrie does!

Pete

Carrie doesn’t hate you!

She was just a bit taken aback

I mean your hands were literally down my trousers

Wasn’t the best introduction

Sam

Oh god don’t remind me

I’m still totally mortified

Pete

Nah

Carrie’s cool

She’s been sending me tips ever since

That thing we tried on Monday?

That was one of Carrie’s

Sam

No it was not!

Oh god

I’m never going to be able to look at her in the eye again

At least Hannah seemed to like me

Pete

Of course she liked you AND Carrie likes you!

Come on Sammie

Please?

I told E you’d come

She’s really excited to meet you

Sam

Ok

I’ll come

I might not stay though?

Pete

That’s absolutely fine

We can just do hand stuff in the loo

With the door unlocked…

Sam

That’s not funny!

Pete

------------------------------

The Marauders

Wormtail

Sam’s meeting Elise tonight

 Padfoot

Woah!

Sirius stuff!

Wormtail

I know

Moony

How’re you feeling about it??

Wormtail

Pretending not to be incredibly nervous

Even though I know there’s literally nothing to worry about

Moony

There really isn’t

Elise is great

Sam is amazing

They've already met Carrie and Hannah

And you said they loved Sam!

Padfoot

Elise be able to tell how good you two are together from the off

AND that you’re totes head over heels

Wormtail

I am really am

I don’t know

I can’t think of any scenario where this won’t go well

But still freaking out a bit

I mean

Theres always a chance isn’t there

That they won’t get on

Moony
 And that’s a deal breaker?

Does it need to be?

I actually reckon they’ll get on really well

Wormtail

I don’t know

It’s Elise isn’t it

But then its Sam

Moony

It’ll be fine Wormy

Of course it will be

Need Prongs to make you a playlist?

Padfoot

Yes!

Good call Moonymine

Nothing sorts the nerves out like a Prongsie playlist

Wormtail

That would make me feel better

Padfoot

You heard the man Prongs!

Get playlisting!

Moony

Also

What did you think of Lily’s dress??

Which I can’t believe you haven’t already messaged about

Wormtail

No Prongs ☹

Padfoot
 Probs in labs?

------------------------------

My Support Bras

Marls

Ergh

I am NOT enjoying this being back at work shit

Als

I knowwww

Take me back to last weekend

#castlelife

Marls

The only thing getting me through

This horrifically grey Jan

Is the Blups wedding tbh

Dorko

Me too

Everyone at the office is so miserable

It’s soul crushing

We should book something fun

To look forward too after the wedding

Als

Treehouse!!

Marls

??

Als

Those treehouses you can stay in!

Remember I went for Frank’s sisters hen do

 Twas so cool

Dorko

I’m well up for that

Marls

Saaaaame

Oh yay!

I love organising stuff like this

Dorko

We know love

Als

Let’s make a plan this eve

I’ll do an M&S run on the way home

Colin Caterpilliars for you Dorky?

Dorko

Yay yes please!

Als

Percy Pigs for you Lils?

Marls

Must be serious is Lils isn’t answering to Percy Pigs

Als

I don’t really need to ask tho do I

Lils always wants the Percies

-----------------------------
 Private Message

Frank

If J’s at yours

Can you tell him to move his ass pls

Sirius

He’s not here

Sorry Frankiebabe

You need him?

Frank

We’ve got a squash court booked

But no sign

They only hold it for 10

Sirius

Ah ok

To be fair I’ve literally only just got in

He may well have been here

Re’s in the shower

I’ll go in and ask

Frank

Cheers mate

Sirius

Nope

Seems as if Prongs is MIA

Neither of us have heard from him since the am

Tried ringing?

Frank

Have done

No answer

Text him a couple of times this afto to and no answer

 Sirius

Bugger

Ok

Well let me know if he turns up

Come for dins after squash?

Moony’s made a moussaka

Frank

Oooo yum!

Yes please

-----------------------------

My Ride or Die

Siriusly

Where are you?

-----------------------------

A Good Pear

Sirius

Has Lils heard from J today do you know?

Alice

No idea I’m afraid

I’ve been in the office

Not home yet

Sirius

Bugger

Alice

What’s up?

Sirius

None of us can get hold of him

Which is very not normal

Alice

No it’s not

Don’t want to add fuel to the fire

But Lily has been really off the past couple

Sirius

Fuck

I sort of thought all of that was finished

Alice

I’m not sure

I mean she hasn’t said anything

But she’s been super quiet

Sirius

I’ll do some digging with Jam

When he bloody answers

Alice

I’ll be home by 7

I’ll ask her and let you know

Sirius

Fab

Wanna do facetime tomorrow maybs?

Alice

Yes!

Sounds good

About 9?

Sirius

------------------------------
 F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Sirius

At risk of being slightly over dramatic

But has ANYONE heard from @James since this morning??

Dorcas

Nope

Marlene

No

Not since I sent him a photo of Lils last night

Sam

No

Sent a couple of texts earlier but no reply yet

Alice

Still no I’m afraid

Frank

Didn’t appear for squash

Just getting changed and then I’ll be over Sirius

His car is still here but not sign of the man himself

Remus

Lily have you?

Marlene

I think she’s on a work call Rem

Her doors shut

Remus

No probs

@Lils can you let us know when you’re free please

 ------------------------------

The Marauders

Moony

@Prongs I’m beginning to get really worried

Wormtail

Same

You’re never this quiet

Padfoot

Alice said Lily has been sad

I know its shit

But talk to us J

Moony

We might not be able to help

But we can definitely listen

Wormtail

Want me to come up?

I can work remotely tomorrow

Padfoot

@Prongs ?

Can you please just let me know where you are?

------------------------------

Jily

James

Sirius is freaking out

I’m going to have to say where I am

Lily
 Yeh fine

It’s not like it’s going to change anything

James

Ok

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam

I’m fine

I’m on the train

Siriusly

Oh thank fuck!

Why the fuck you on the train??

Where are you going?

Jam

London obviously

Where else would I be going?

Siriusly

Yeh but why aren’t you just driving?

Jam

Wouldn’t have be able to concentrate

I’ve really fucked up

Siriusly

What?

Why?

I’m sure you haven’t

Jam

Pretty sure I have

Sirius
 Lily’s pregnant

Chapter End Notes

I'm nothing but predictable :)

 Chapter 38

My Ride or Die

Incoming call from Siriusly

Hey Padfoot

James

Oh god don’t say it like that

No no sorry

It’s just

Oh my god James

I know

What the fuck are we going to do Sirius?

I don’t even know what to say

I’m still at fucking uni

Lils has only just started that job

We don’t even live in the same fucking country!

Woah mate breathe

It’s going to be fine

No it’s not!

It is literally not!

Oh my god mum and dad are going to kill me

No they’re not!

Don’t say that

They’re going to be surprised

I mean I think everyone is going to be surprised

But they’re not going to kill you

And anyway
You’re a grown adult

Yes a grown adult who is still fully reliant on their money

Yeh

Fuck James

What happened?

She sent me a text Padfoot

A bloody text

Fuck

Although to be fair to her she was probably in shock

She’s known for a week!

Said she wanted to be sure before she told me!

Ah

God J I really want to say something helpful here

But I honestly don’t know what to say

Are you disappointed with me?

What?!

No!

Of course not!

Accidents happen don’t they

Big fucking accident

Just a bit yeh

Where are you now?

Stopped at Peterborough about 20 minutes ago

All that shit I gave you and Rem about safe sex

Ha!

Yeh

Like without all the details

How?
Ergh just before Christmas

After we’d had that fight about me getting rat arsed

Didn’t have any condoms but Lils was due on like the next day

So figured we’d be fine

I mean I pulled out and shit

Oh J

Yeh I know

So fucking stupid

Yeh it was a bit

What’s even more ridiculous is even as we were going I thought that we really shouldn’t be
doing this

How’s Lily?

I don’t even know

She fucking hung up on me when I called her!

Said I was stressing her out

To be fair James she's got an actual human being inside her

She’s allowed to freak out I think

Yeh I know but

Sirius I don’t know what to do

What do I do?!

You know I can’t tell you that James

You need to speak to Lily

I can’t be a dad!

Yesterday morning the toaster wouldn’t work

So to make toast I jammed two wooden skewers in a bit of bread

And held it over the hob and the skewers fucking caught fire!

I can’t look after a baby!

How did the bread not burn?

It did!

Oh

I’m supposed to be an doctor Padfoot

An actual doctor

Doctors don’t get their girlfriends pregnant by mistake!

I’m pretty sure you’re not the only doctor to have got their girlfriend preggers Prongs

I’m supposed to help people

How can I treat people in good faith when I’ve got this monumental fuck up in my own life

James enough!

You’ve not fucked up

Look

I can’t tell you what’s going to happen next

And I can’t tell you what to do

But I can tell you everything is going to be ok

But

No it will be

It might not feel like it now but it will be

You have so many people who love you

You and Lily

People are going to be surprised yes

But at the end of the day a baby is a blessing

And everything will fall into place

It just might not be where you thought it would all fall

But that’s life isn’t it

Things change

And sometimes you can’t predict when and where

James?

I’m here

You get all of that?

Yeh

You believe me?

Yeh

You ok?

Yeh

Really?

No, not really

Fair enough

Padfoot I’m really scared

I know J

But we’re all here ok

The three of us

Yeh ok

Don’t tell Remus yet

I won’t yet

But I’m not going to lie to him if he asks

Figured

Your pact thingy

Yeh

I’m not willing to jeopardise that

No that’s ok

It’s important to you

Do you think I can just tell them in the group chat?

If that’s what you want to do then yes

I don’t think I’ve got the energy for another phone call

I need a drink or something

Maybe not until you’ve got to the girls

Yeh
Your probably right

Might go and get a coffee or something though

Sounds good

I’m going to go then

We’ll be there in about half an hour

Need to work out my game plan

I can’t even imagine how Lily is feeling right now

No

Big conversation

Yeh I know

Thanks Padfoot

I don’t really feel like I’ve helped

But you’re welcome

Call or text later

If you want to

Yeh I’ll see how we go

Love you mate

It’s going to be ok

Yeh

Love you too Paddy

------------------------------

Jily

James

Be at King Cross in about ten

I think I’m just going to get a cab over to yours

Not sure I can face the tube

Lily
 Ok

James

You ok?

Lily

Obviously not James

No

James

Right

Can I get anything on my way over?

Lily

No

Its fine

James

Lils I’m trying

Lily

I know

Shit

I’m sorry

James

It’s fine

Well it’s not

But

You know what I mean

Lily

Yeh

You tell Sirius?

James

Yes
 Lily

What did he say?

James

Not a lot really

Was surprised

Lily

No shit

He’ll have told Remus I guess

James

I asked him not to yet

But he won’t keep it from him

Not for long

Lily

They’ve got their pact

James

Did you not want me to tell him?

Lily

I don’t even know

I mean is there any point keeping it a secret?

James

Probably not

Lily

Tell your boys then

We can tell the girls later

James

Ok

I probably will then

Lily
 I’m going to go and have quick bath

Before you get here

James

Ok

Not too hot

Lily

James

James

Sorry

Just

Be careful

Lily

Yeh

Ok

James

See you in about an hour

Lily

Ok

James

I love you

Lily

I love you too

------------------------------

The Marauders

Prongs

Hey

Wormtail
 Finally!

I’ve been freaking the fuck out James!

Prongs

Sorry

Moony

You ok?

I’m worried

Pads has been really quiet since he spoke to you

Prongs

Yeh I’m fine

Well actually

That’s bullshit

I’m really not fine

Wormtail

Why??

What’s happened

Prongs

I’ve done something really stupid

And I’m worried you’re going to hate me

Moony

Ok first

We could never hate you

And second

I’m sure it’s not that bad

And even if it is

We can sort it

Wormtail

Exactly
 I mean

You’ve sorted us out enough times

Prongs

Yes

But neither of you

Have ever knocked someone up before

Moony

What?

Womtail

What?

Prongs

Lily’s pregnant

Moony

Oh

Wormtail

Congratulations!

Padfoot

Really Pete?

Wormtail

What?

A baby!

Prongs

Yes Pete

A baby

Like an actual real life child

That Lily is currently growing inside her

 Moony

Shotgun Godfather

Padfoot

Oh fuck no!

Moony

Too late

Shotgun rules

Wormtail

If Moony gets Godfather

I get dibs on them having Peter/Petr as a middle name

Harry Peter Potter

Luna-Rose Petr Potter

Sounds bloody awesome if you ask me

Padfoot

What?

No!

You can’t both come in and take all the good stuff!

Moony

I knew I should have bought that beautiful Beatrix Potter anthology

In that lovely bookshop

I wonder if they’ve still got it

I’m going to ring and ask in the morning

Wormtail

Ooo

I’m going to see if I can crochet that star blanket

I started before but didn’t have anyone to give it to

 Moony

Ok

I am def getting them this

Wormtail

I can’t believe I’m going to be an uncle!

Moony

Wormy

You’ve already got like 10 nieces and nephews

Wormtail

Yeh but we all know I’m going to love Prongs’ baby the most

Padfoot

Fuck it

Look what I’ve just found

Moony

Oh god babe

You’re both going to look so cute

Wormtail
 Right

Reading quickly online

Looks like you should get Bugaboo Fox 3 stroller Prongs

It’s got the best reviews

Good on all terrain

Easy to collapse to go in the boot of a car

When you come to visit Uncle Pete

Moony

And you should def get one of those wrap things

We can take turns with it

Padfoot

LOOK AT THIS!

Prongs

I love you guys

So much

Moony

We're here James

Whatever happens

Whatever you decide

We love you

Wormtail

Absolutely
 Joking aside

We love you

Always

ok?

Prongs

Ok
 Chapter 39
Chapter Notes

TW for discussion of pregnancy

James hastily scrabbed for his wallet, which he had stuffed into the front pocket of his rucksack as
the taxi pulled up in front of the girls house. It was raining, hard, and on a normal evening James
would have stopped to look at the street lights reflected in the rain drenched pavements, watching
them sparkle. Not tonight.

‘Here you go,’ he thrust two twenties at the taxi driver who didn’t say a word, just began to collect
up James’ change. On a normal evening James would be too excited to get inside the house to
wait, would clap the driver on the back with a cheery, ‘Keep the change mate.’ Not tonight. He
slammed the car door shut and watched as it drove away, tugging up the hood of his anorak as the
rain soaked through his shoes. He felt his phone buzz in his back pocket and he pulled it out as he
began to trudge up the concrete path that led to the front door.

My Ride or Die

Siriusly

You’ve got this

Deep breaths J

Also

I’m gonna be Godfather

Right?

J?

Double P

Pete

LOOK HOW CUTE THESE ARE!

Can we get them?

Wolfbucks

Rem

When you’re ready to come home

Want me to come and get you?

We can chat on the drive back up

I’ll even let you choose which services we stop at…

James let out a weak chuckle, never more grateful for his friends but the smile slipped off his face
almost instantly. He jammed the phone back into his jeans and seeing no other option, rang the
doorbell. His heart thumped painfully as he waited the 30 seconds it took Alice to open the door.

‘Hey! I don’t know you were coming!’ she exclaimed beaming at him, ‘No wonder Frankie
couldn’t find you!’

‘Bit of a last minute thing,’ James murmured, pressing a cold cheek to Alice’s own and giving her a
one armed hug.

‘Ergh, you’re all wet. Here, give me your jacket. Lils will be so pleased to see you. She’s been
sad all day, I think she’s still up in her room.’ Alice hung the jacket up and continued babbling as
they walked down the narrow hallway, stopping at the foot of the stairs. ‘Lily!’ she shouted up,
‘I’ve got something here that belongs to you!’

‘She, erm, she knows I’m coming actually,’ James told her and Alice looked at him surprised.

‘Oh! She didn’t say.’

‘Yeh…’ James trailed off, ‘I’m gonna go up.’

He made to walk up the stairs but Alice stopped him with a hand on his arm, ‘J,’ she said, more
quiet now, ‘Is everything ok?’

James didn’t see much point in lying to her, ‘No, not really,’ he gently shook her hand off, ‘We’ll
talk in a bit yeh?’

‘Ok, do you like, want a tea or something bringing up?’

James exhaled loudly, feeling some of the tension dissipate, ‘I’d love a tea Al, thank you.’

‘I’ll do you both one. I’ll leave them outside the door in about 5.’

‘Great.’

Alice threw James one last concerned look and then turned on her heels and he watched her
disappear into the brightly lit kitchen. He let out another long breath and began to climb the stairs,
playing out different versions of the same conversations over and over in his head until he was
standing outside Lily’s closed door.

He lifted his hand to knock but before he could Lily called out, voice croaky, ‘Come in J.’

He turned the door handle and pushed the door open, slipping inside and then closing the door
behind him. The room was in semi-darkness; just the bedside lamp and the fairy lights that framed
the window switched on. Lily still hadn’t taken down the paperchains they’d made together one
weekend in December when James had come down to take her to the ballet. It had been a good
night. Lily had looked like all his dreams come true, wearing a royal blue velvet dress, her vibrant
hair falling in soft waves, the earring he’d bought her for her birthday sparkling in her ears. She had
looked beautiful. Now she was lying curled up on her side, wearing one of his ratty old rowing
hoodies with bare legs, her hair tied up haphazardly and her eyes red rimmed. James still thought
she looked beautiful, still like all his dreams come true.

‘Hey,’ she croaked.

‘Hey,’ James dropped his bag onto the floor and made his way over to the bed, sitting on the end
and reaching for her hand. She let him take it and he ran his thumb over hers a couple of times
before bending down to kiss her knuckles.

‘I did another one. About half an hour ago. It’s over there.’ She waved her hand in the vague
direction of the chest of drawers that was standing against the far wall.

‘Another what?’

‘Another pregnancy test James,’ she sounded annoyed.

‘Oh. Right. Um, shall I look at it or…?’

‘If you want,’ she withdrew her hand and James stood up, feeling entirely out of his depth, he felt
like he was drowning. When he didn’t go to move Lily huffed and sat up, shuffling forward and
reaching for the white stick that was lying on a plastic wrapper. She passed it to him without
making eye contact and he took it, turning it over and over in his hands.

‘I’ve never seen one of these in real life before,’ he said, just for the sake of having something to
say, ‘The ones in the hospital are just tiny strips of plastic.’

‘Well I’ve got plenty more if you want to see them,’ Lily retorted, flopping back down on the bed
as James finally looked at the test. There was no doubt that it was positive, two pink lines sat in the
little window glaring up at him, both as bright as each other. Keeping the test grasped in one hand
he say back down on the bed,

‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘Me neither,’ Lily admitted, ‘I’m just trying really hard not to freak out. It’s not working,’ she
added with a humourless laugh, ‘What are we going to do James?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘We don’t even live together.’

‘No.’

‘You’re still a bloody student!’

‘Yeh.’

Lily gave a frustrated huff, ‘What do you think we should do?’

‘I don’t know Lils. What do you want to do?’

‘Oh my God James I don’t know! Do you think we should keep it?’

‘If that’s what you want to do then that’s what we’ll do.’

‘I’ve no fucking clue if that’s what I want to do! I don’t know what I want! I want to know what
you want!’ Lily sat up again, swinging her legs under herself so she could face James had stood up
and taken a step back. ‘James, please!’ Lily’s voice finally cracked, ‘I appreciate what you’re
trying to do but I’m really fucking scared right now and I’m asked you, you, what you think we
should do. I need you to tell me.’

‘It’s not my body Lily,’ James answered, desperate, trying to keep the tears at bay, ‘I can’t make
this decision. I can’t tell you what to do!’

‘You can’t just put this all on me!’ Lily said, shouting now, ‘It’s not just my decision! It’s not just
my baby, it’s yours too! You have a say James and I’m asked, no, I’m begging you, please help
me! I can’t make this decision on my own!’

‘Lily,’ James swiped at his eyes furiously, ‘I don’t know! I’m not ready to be a dad Lily! But how
can I ask you to do either! The responsibility, I can’t.’

‘And you think I’m ready to be a mum?!’

‘Well isn’t that our decision made then?!’

‘I don’t know Jamie,’ and James watched as Lily visibly deflated, lying back on the bed, loud sobs
wracking through her entire body.

‘Lily,’ he said distraught, clambering on to the bed and pulling her up into a hug, rubbing her back
as she collapsed onto him.

‘This can’t be a one sided decision James,’ she said, voice cracking on every word, ‘We both have
to be fully on board either way.’

James shook his head, ‘I don’t agree though. It’s you who’s going to have to go through whatever
either way, all I can do it be there with you.’

‘How would it even work?’ Lily deflected, ‘We’d spend a fortune on trains and shit. I can’t fly
every weekend with a baby.’

‘What? No, Lily, obviously I’d just move in here. With you.’

‘What about uni?’

‘I’d leave. Get a job or something.’

‘James,’

‘Or see if I can transfer or something then. Or defer for a bit if they’d let me. He’d be coming at
the end of the July wouldn’t he, so I’d be able to finish this year, I’d only have two left.’
‘He?’ Lily lifted her head to look at him and James shrugged,

‘In my head he’s a boy.’

Lily closed her eyes as more tears spilled, ‘31st July,’ she whispered eventually, ‘That’s what the
NHS website says my due date is.’

‘Only 4% of babies are born on their due date,’ James said and Lily let out a watery laugh.

‘As if your baby would be late, you’re always too excited for everything to be late.’

‘Life is worth being excited about,’ James replied matter of factly, ‘Especially when life is so
good. What’s the point in being late and missing out on anything.’

Lily didn’t say anything in return, shifting off James lap and rolling back onto her side, this time
facing the wall. Without saying a word James slipped his shoes off and crawled up behind her.

‘Head up,’ he said quietly, and Lily lifted her head to let him slide an arm underneath which he
then curled back around her front, using the other arm on her waist to tug her back against him.
Lily sagged back against him and he thought briefly about putting the hand now resting on her hip
onto her stomach but ultimately couldn’t bring himself to do it.

They lay in silence for a while, listening to the odd car driving past outside and the low level hum
of a house full of people going about their evenings.

‘I got some folic acid,’ lily said eventually and then James did slip his hand round and underneath
her jumper, broad palm against her soft stomach.

‘Yeh?’ he whispered and she nodded,

‘It makes me feel sick though.’

‘Is it just folic acid?’

‘No, I think it’s got vitamin D in it too.’

‘That’ll be what’s making you feel sick,’ he said, gently stroking his hand up and down, ‘We’ll get
you some new stuff tomorrow.’

‘Ok,’ Lily said, so quietly James almost didn’t hear her, just feeling her breath hitch in a silent sob.

They lapsed back into silence, James’ mind whirring at 100 miles per hour as he heard someone,
probably Alice, come and take the still full mugs of tea away from outside the bedroom door. The
landing light clicked off shortly afterwards.

‘Shall we go to sleep?’ Lily turned a little to look at him.

‘Yeh, ok,’ James agreed, pulling away so he could shuck off his jeans and pull his jumper up off
over his head as Lily leaned over to turn the lights off at the socket.

They both got settled, kicking at the duvet until they could pull it up over them, neither saying
anything and then they were both lying on their backs, looking up at the ceiling.

‘We can talk more tomorrow,’ Lily said into the darkness and James tipped his head back as Lily
pressed on, ‘I know you don’t want to upset me and I know how difficult this is J. I know you
don’t know what to do any more than I do but I just really need your help.’
‘Ok,’ James turned on his side to look at her, ‘I’m trying Lily. I’ll try.’

‘I know,’ Lily mouthed, twisted round to look at him, just for a second before turning back.

James took a deep breath, ‘Lily?’

‘Yeh?’

‘Will you marry me?’

Lily gave a sad sigh and reached out under the covers to find James’ hand. ‘No, James.’

‘Ok,’ James whispered, as Lily took his hand and gave it a squeeze and then rolled over onto her
side, facing away.

James stayed where he was, lying on his back, starring up into nothing, breaths shallow until, after
he could bare it no longer, he closed his eyes tight and let the tears fall.
 Chapter 40

Wolfbucks

Rem

How are you doing?

Jam

I don’t even know

We sort of talked when I got here

But not really

Argh

That doesn’t even make sense

Rem

No it does

You probs can’t put it into words

You talked this morn?

Jam

Yup

Couldn’t sleep

Both up at 4

We talked a bit more then

Rem

That’s good

Proud of you mate

Jam

I don’t feel I really deserve that

It’s not good Moony

What a total fuck up

I’m a total fuck up

Rem
Don’t you dare James Potter!

And for God’s sake don’t let Padfoot hear you say that!

Or Wormtail for that matter

You are NOT a fuck up

Incoming call from Jam

‘Rem I literally didn’t use a condom and knocked up my girlfriend!’ James said in a harsh whisper
as he closed Lily’s bedroom door behind him, taking one last look at her bundled up form. They’d
been awake most of the night, talking and crying and going round and round in circles. James was
exhausted.

‘Ok yes,’ Remus went straight in, ‘Not using protection was stupid, really stupid but it’s not like
you knew she was going to get pregnant.’

‘I mean I knew it was a possibility,’ James made his way across the landing into the bathroom,
looking at his tired reflection in the mirror, ‘I actually thought about it at the time too.’

‘Yeh,’ Remus said, ‘But please don’t call yourself a fuck up. You’re not. You’re our James, we
love you. Everyone has blips.’

‘Yes but my blip is now currently growing inside my girlfriend, fucking blipping away! Shit, I have
absolutely no idea what to do!’

‘Ok, well first you’re going to take a deep breath and,’ Remus paused, ‘Are you peeing?!’

‘Erm, yeh?’

‘Gross Prongs,’ Remus deadpanned and James smiled just a little, ‘Wash your hands.’

‘Alright Mr. Handwashing Police. God do you boss Sirius around like this? Actually, I don’t want
to know.’

Remus laughed, ‘I’m pretty sure he’d tell you if you asked,’ and James gave a dramatic sigh,

‘Unfortunately I don’t even have to ask. I know all about how he gets a boner when you Good Boy
him. You and your dirty mouth Moony, I swear, you get in there.’

‘There’s my James,’ Remus said fondly and James could hear that he’d put on speaker phone. The
clatter of a mug being pulled out a cupboard echoed through the phone’s speaker and he could
imagine Remus, probably half dressed, riffling through he cupboards trying to find various bits and
pieces to make cups of tea and slices of toast. He closed his eyes,

‘I wish I was at yours.’

‘I know. I wish you were here too. Wish I could give you a hug and tell you to your face that you
are not a fuck up.’

‘What should we do Rem?’

‘You know I can’t answer that J. I wish I could but I can’t.’

‘Yeh,’ James said quietly as he opened the bedroom door once more. Lily was still asleep; she
hadn’t moved. He shut the door again and walked towards the stairs noting that all the other
bedroom doors were open and unoccupied.

‘We keep talking about the same things over and over again, basically neither of us know what to
do. Or maybe we do but I don’t want to make that decision for her and she doesn’t want me to feel
like I haven’t had a say. I don’t know.’

‘At least you’re talking though,’ Remus offered and James hummed feeling a sob building in his
throat. ‘James?’ The dam broke,

‘I asked her to marry me Remus. And she said No. Obviously she said no.’

‘Oh James,’ Remus said sadly as he carried on, taking huge gasping breaths,

‘And then, and then she said that she thinks that I need to come back up and we shouldn’t see each
other for a bit, suggested two weeks, just like talk on the phone and shit. Said she’s not sure how
she feels. Remus I love her! I can’t lose her and I feel like she’s pushing me away and she’s
pregnant and it’s my fucking baby and I don’t know what to do!’ he collapsed against the wall,
tears streaming down his face.

‘Oh fuck this,’ Remus said, no longer on speaker, ‘I’m coming down to get you.’

‘What? No, I need to stay and sort this all out!’

‘James,’ Remus sounded determined, ‘You asked me what I thought you should do?’

‘Yes but-‘

‘This is what you should do. I love you but if Lily says she needs space then you have to give it to
her. Think about how you’re feeling, well Lily is feeling the same but at the same time she is also
growing an actual human inside her. You know about hormones and shit like that more than I do,
she must be feeling all wibbly. And you’re not going to lose her; I know it feels like she’s pushing
you away but perhaps that what you both need, space to think about everything.’

James didn’t answer, trying to slow his breathing.

‘So yes,’ Remus continued, ‘I’m coming down to get you. I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there
about 2.’

‘It’s a long drive Re.’

‘So?’

‘Ok.’

‘Good boy.’

‘Woof.’

Remus laughed and James took a deep breath, cracking a smile, ‘I won’t tell Padfoot you called me
that.’

‘Cheers Prongsie. I’m going to get going but I’ll text you when I stop and stuff ok?’

‘Yeh ok Rem. Is Padfoot coming with you?’

‘He’s just seeing if he can rearrange seeing Andromeda today.’

‘No, tell him not too,’ James said quickly, ‘They’ve been planning this for ages.’ Then he could
hear the blurred sound of Sirius, obviously shouting from a different room.

‘Yeh, he says you can do one,’ Remus said and James screwed his face up slightly.

‘Tell him I’ll feel worse if he cancels.’

‘I’ll see what I can do, but I don’t promise anything,’ Remus said eventually after a bit more back
and forth with a clearly agitated Sirius.

‘Fine. If he’s come too then you think if it’s not too late we can come back via Newcastle and see
Pete?’

‘Course we can.’

‘Thanks, Moony. I’m really sorry.’

‘You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about James. I love you and I’ll see you in a bit ok?’

‘Yeh ok, I love you too.’ James hung up the phone, sliding it into his back pocket and bringing his
palms up to his face and pressing them into his eyes. He took another deep breath and turned,
walking into the kitchen, vaguely noting that someone had left the light on.

‘Oh.’

There, at the little round table, sat Alice, Marlene and Dorcas.

‘Fuck,’ James said, dragging a hand down the side of his face, ‘Why are you all here?’

‘It’s Saturday James,’ Alice said gently, kicking out the chair next to her and gesturing for him to
sit. Marlene passed him a cup of tea and he took a sip. It was sugary, he didn’t usually have sugar
but somehow it was exactly what he needed.

‘Thanks,’ he said hoarsely, trying to smile but no-one smiled back. ‘So… how much of that did
you hear?’

‘Well,’ Dorcas started, ‘All of it. You weren’t quiet. We tried to talk really loudly so you’d know
we were in here but…’ she trailed off, ‘Sorry James.’

‘Not your fault,’ James said slumping back in his chair, ‘Although this will give Lily another
reason to rip my head off.’

‘That’s not fair,’ Marlene said immediately, ‘She hasn’t ripped your head off about anything!’

‘Sorry, sorry,’ James said, ‘Sorry. I know she hasn’t. But she I’m not exactly her favourite person
right now.’

‘I don’t think it’s that,’ Alice said, ‘I don’t think anyone is her favourite person right now. God I
really want to go up and give her a hug.’

‘She’s asleep,’ James told her, ‘Don’t wake her. We’ve been up most of the night.’ Alice nodded
and squeezed his shoulder.

‘Fuck, I can’t believe she’s pregnant,’ Marlene said looking at him, ‘How’re you feeling?’
‘Like shit,’ James said honestly, ‘Both of us. I think I’ve made it worse, I didn’t know what to do
or to say.’

‘That’s fair enough though,’ Dorcas said, ‘Lil’s has had a couple of weeks to process a bit more,
you’re probably still in shock.’

Alice looked at her, ‘How do you know she’s has two weeks to process?’

Dorcas looked guilty as James and Marlene turned to her too, ‘I’ve known for a little while,’ she
explained, ‘After we got back from the stag. She left the pregnancy test and everything on the
bathroom floor. I think she’d just found out and freaked out and just bolted.’

‘Dorky,’ Marlene breathed, ‘What did you do?’

Dorcas shrugged, ‘I just cleared all the bits up and the put the test on the side in her room when she
was downstairs. Figured she’d tell us when she was ready.’

‘Wow,’ Alice said, ‘Well, well done for keeping it a secret!’

‘It wasn’t mine to tell.’

James put his head on the table and both Marlene and Alice reached to rub his head, ‘Do you think
I’d be a good dad?’

‘Yes,’ they all said in unison.

‘I mean you’ve already got allllll the dad jokes,’ Alice pointed out and James huffed a laugh.
Upstairs there was the sound of the a door opening and footsteps padding across the landing into
the bathroom.

‘I better go back up and tell her you all know,’ James said, standing up, ‘We’ll probs be down in a
bit. I think she wanted to tell you all today anyway. I told the boys yesterday.’

‘Ok,’ Dorcas said, standing up and collecting the mugs off the table and putting them in the sink,
‘We’re here when you need us.’

‘And we’re here whatever you decide,’ Marlene added as Alice said, ‘We love you both.’

‘Cheers girls,’ James gave them a half hearted salute and disappeared out the kitchen and began to
climb the stairs

------------------------------

Cereal Killers

Moony

Fancy a visit today Wormy?

I’m OMW to pick our boy up

Wormtail

Moony, moony, moony

Where do you think I am?

Moony

I knew it

What time’s your train getting in?

Wormtail

Just after 10

I’ll let myself in

I’ve taken Monday and Tuesday off

So I’ve got a bit of work to do

And then I’ll make food for when you’re back

Moony

You’re the best Pete

Pads will be home later on

I managed to persude him to go and see Andi

Rather than coming to London

Wormtail

I bet that took some doing

Moony

You’ve no idea

I’m going to go

But I’ll text later

Wormtail

Roger

Drive safe Rem

Moony

Will do

------------------------------

Jily

James

We’re back
 Lily

How was the drive?

James

Not too bad

We had a KFC

Lily

Yum

James

And Pete’s made Beef Bouginon

Although we’re having it tomorrow

It’s a bit late now

Lily

Oh I’m jealous

Tell him I say hi

James

He says hi back

I miss you

Lily

I know

I miss you too

James

I wish I could fix everything

Lily

So do I

I just need some space at the moment

I’ll call you tomorrow ok?

James

Ok
Hope you get some sleep

Ring me if you can’t if you want

Lily

I will

Night James

James

Night

------------------------------

03:47

Incoming call from Lily

Hello?

It’s me

What’s wrong?

You ok?

I’m sorry

I’ve woken you up

Doesn’t matter

You ok?

James

I think I want to keep it

I want to keep it

Yeh?

Yes

I can’t stop thinking about how you said you think it’s a boy

And that stupid leather jacket Sirius sent you

I want that

I want him

Then that’s what we’ll do

Ok?

We’re going to have this baby

And it’s going to be fucking hard

But we’re going to smash it

I promise

Can we still call him Harry?

We can call them whatever you want Lils

Ok

James I’m really sorry

I know

Me too

It’s going to be alright though

Ok?

We’ll sort it all out

Ok

I’ll ring the doctors on Monday

And see what the next step is

Ok

Let me know what I need to do

I want to be there for stuff

I know

I want you there too

I just

I just need to be on my own for a bit

I need to sort my head out

If that’s what you need

I love you Lily

So much
You’re going to be an amazing mum

I love you too

Call me when you wake up?

Course

Night Lils

Night Jamie

------------------------------

The Marauders

Prongs

Baby Potter

ETA 31st July

Padfoot

UNCLE MODE ACTIVATED!

Moony

Proud of you J

We can do this!

Wormtail

Oh God

I’ve got to get crocheting!

 Chapter 41
Chapter Notes

I promise we are getting to the wedding soon! Just needed to wrap up the Jily bits!

Pam

Pete

Did you manage to get it?

Sammy?

SAM?

Sam

Christ Pete

Yes I got it

Calm down

Pete

There’s no time to lose!

Sam

Eight months P

Pete

No time!

I need wool!

I need all the wool!

Thanks for picking it up though

I’ve just downloaded a pattern I found online

This one’s star shaped!

Sam

You’re welcome

Did you finish your first one?

Pete

Yes!

Sam

Oh Pete

I love it!

Pete

I thought you could give them that one?

Sam

I would love to

You’re so sweet

I wish someone had given me a nb blanket when i was younger

Pete

I can do you one now!

And then I’m going to try and do this

Sam

Cuuuute

Pete

You staying tonight?

I’ll be back about 7

Going to hang around until Padfoot gets home

and then I’ll leave

Sam

Wasn’t planning on it

But can do

Pete

Yeh can you

There’s something I want to talk to you about

Sam

Sounds ominous…

Pete

It’s not

Just been thinking about a couple of things

Sam

Ok

I’ll come over about 8 then

Pete

Fab

I’m going to go and snuggle Prongs a bit more now

But see you later

Sam

------------------------------

Jily

Lily

Dr finally rang me back

I’ve got an appointment on Friday

 James

Shit that’s so soon

Ok no probs

What time?

Lily

11

Come down on Thurs?

James

Yeh?

Lily

Well otherwise you’ll have to get up really early

James

I suppose

Ok

I’ll come down Thurs

I’m going to get the train though

Lily

Ok

I looked it up

Its weight and height

Blood pressure

Blood test

And then shit about your circumstances

James

Ok

Sounds easy enough

Lily

They’re clearly going to tell me I’m overweight

James
 Well then I’m clearly going to tell them to fuck off

Lily

You’re not

But I appreciate the sentiment

I think we need to tell our parents

Sooner rather than later

Definitely tell yours before the wedding

James

Yeh I thought that too

Lily

Only because by then I’ll have had my scan

I’ll be 17 week by then

James

What??

How so many?!

Lily

James

I’m due 31st July

James

I know

Lily

Which means I’m already 9 weeks

James

How does that make sense though?

Lily

I’m so confused

James

But #nocondomgate was only a month ago

Lily

Can you not?

I was already pregnant by then

My last period was at the beginning of Nov!

James

Fuck

Lily

How did you not know this!?

James

Because you didn’t fucking tell me!!

I thought this all happened because of #nocondomgagte

Lily

Ok again can you stop

And no

James

That does actually make me feel better

Lily

Good for you

As long as you feel better

James

Don’t be a bitch Lils

I’m trying to process this too

And as I’ve just found out

I’m MUCH less informed than I thought I was

Lily

Fair

Sorry

James
 I have to ask Lily

Have you known since November?

Lily

No!

I swear to God

You know my cycle is really irregular

I just thought it was that

It was over Christmas

My boobs were really sore

And I had that really funny tummy ache

In the middle

James

Yeh I remember

I wish you had said something

Lily

Was trying to convince myself I was imagining it

James

Lily

Can’t do anything about it now

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Lily

What’s the plan for the Dad’s stag this weekend?

Pete

Lily!

Any baby news??

Remus
That you are comfortable sharing with us

Sirius

FFS Wormy

We talked about this

You saw James less than 3 hours ago

Pete

Sorry

Lily

Haha

No it’s ok

Might as well get it over with

Marlene

Get what over with?

Lily

Just talking about the baby

I feel really embarrassed

Alice

Oh my God no!!

PLEASE don’t!

Sam

No don’t be!

Sirius

Not just you anyway

*ahem* @Prongs

James
Hi

I’m James

And I’m having a baby

Sirius

Thatta boy

Frank

Good man

Nothing to be embarrassed about Lils

Lily

Ergh I know

I dunno

It’s just weird

Pete

You know what you should do then?

Talk about it!

The more you talk about

The less weird it will be!

Remus

You really are a whore for baby news

Aren’t you Wormy

Pete

Hell yeh!

Love babies

Lily

James

We’ve got our first midwife app on Friday

 Dorcas

!!!

That’s so cool!

Will you get pictures??

James

Nah

That’s a different appointment

I think they’ll book it on Fri

This one is more admin type stuff

Marlene

Still exciting isn’t it

Although my main concern is

When can we start buying baby stuff?

Pete

Umm

You mean we shouldn’t have already?

Sam

Uh oh

Maybe just keep quiet Petey

Lily

Bless you Pete

I don’t know

I haven’t really thought about it

Maybe after the scan

I think seeing baby will make it more real

You know

Then it is what it is
Alice

You wanna change the subject

Lily

Yes please

Frank

Did you know

That by spelling the word SOCKS out loud

You are also saying the Spanish phrase

Eso si que es

Which literally means

It is what it is

Sirius

I did NOT know that

Alice

What a useful and interesting fact Frankie

Remus

Well

If that is the case

Can we start saying #socks

Instead of #yolo

Which lets be honest is horrific

Marlene

Yes!

All over that!

James
Mum, Dad, Lily’s pregnant #SOCKS

Sam

#espanyolo

Alice

ESPANYOLO

I’M DYING

Lily

That’s freakin hilarious

Thanks everyone

Sorry

Remus

I will say this

Once more

And then I will NOT say it again

Neither you

And James

Have anything to be sorry about!

James

You’re the best

------------------------------

PB to my J

Pads

He’s right

You are the best

Moons
 I’m really not

But it’s true

I hate that they both feel they need to say sorry

Pads

Me too

Hopefully that’ll change

And they’ll get a bit more excited about things

I’m going to order James one of those baby books I think

Moons

That’s a good idea

You’re so sweet

I love you

Pads

I love you more

Moons

Literally not a chance

Pads

No

Moons

You’re shorter than me

So your love capacity isn’t as strong as mine

So it’s physically impossible for you to love me more

Pads

I’ll show you my love capacity…

Moons

Fuck

Yes please…

------------------------------

‘Hi Angel,’ Pete said leaning in for a kiss as Sam walked through the front door, ‘Ooo, let me
see!’ He made grabby hands towards the large plastic bag Sam was carrying and they rolled their
eyes,

‘Give me a sec Pete, people will only think you want me for my wool bringing abilities.’ They
passed the bag over and Pete began to immediately rifle through it.

‘Perfect!’ he grinned at Sam who was kicking their shoes off and he went in for another kiss, ‘And
I obviously love you for more than your fantastic ability to pick up rainbow wool for me.’

‘Good,’ Sam kissed back, ‘Is your mum and dad in?’

‘Yep, they’re in the living room.’

‘Let me go say hi and then you can talk to me about whatever?’

‘Sounds good.’

------------------------------

‘So,’ Pete started, plonking himself on the end of the bed and patting the spot next to him, ‘I’ve
been thinking.’ He waited while Sam crossed the room and sat down next to him,

‘Yes?’

Pete turned to look at them, drumming his fingers on his knee ‘I want to move back to Edinburgh.’

Sam laughed, ‘Course you do. I didn’t need you to tell me that.’

‘No, I mean, I want to move back. As in I think I’m going to. Soon, like I’ve already started
looking at flats soon.’

‘I know Petey,’ Sam said and kissed his cheek, ‘You don’t need to ask my permission. If that’s
what you want then go for it.’
‘And you’d be happy with that?’ Pete asked tentatively, although the corners of his mouth were
upturned and he was obviously trying not to smile.

‘Course I would, if it makes you happy it makes me happy. Woah!’ Sam toppled to the side as Pete
threw his arms around them and they laughed again, ‘You didn’t have to ask Pete.’

‘I did though, can’t just move up their willy nilly.’

‘You’re a willy nilly,’ Sam retorted fondly, ‘Baby Potter already calling the shots I see.’

Pete shrugged, ‘I suppose. I mean I’ve thought about moving up loads but wasn’t sure how work
would work out. But now I know I can work remotely I can’t see any reason why not. Might have
to come back for the odd meeting but it’s only a couple of hours on the train, less if you get a fast
one. Lots of people do that every day.’

‘You don’t need to justify it Pete,’ Sam tugged him down so they were lying side-by-side.

‘I know,’ Pete took their hands and linked their fingers together, ‘If I’m up there I can help with
baby stuff. Obviously I don’t know what the long term plans are but I have a feeling Lily will end
up in Edinburgh. And Rem and I were talking and between us we think we can probs manage
childcare. At least while James is still at uni.’

‘That’s very sweet of you,’ Sam said carefully, ‘Although I you’d have to see how Lily and James
feel about that.’

‘Yeh I know. But it’s an option isn’t it.’

‘Yeh.’ Sam squeezed his hand, ‘Promise you’ll ring me every night though.’

‘What?’

‘Ring me every night. I’m going to miss seeing you every day, more or less.’
Pete sat up and look down at them, ‘What are you talking about?’

‘What are you talking about?!’

‘Oh my God Sammy,’ Pete put a warm palm against their cheek, ‘I’m not talking about going
without you. I’m asking you to come with me.’

‘What?’

‘Well I’ve fucked this up haven’t I!’ Pete gave a self-depreciating huff, ‘Sam, I was trying to ask
you to move in with me.’

‘In Edinburgh?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh my God Pete!’

‘I just thought, you keep saying how you want to move out and you already work from home most
days so…’ he trailed off, ‘Do you wanna?’

‘Yes!’

‘Yeh?’

‘Yes! Of course I do!’

 Chapter 42

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

James

Right gang

I have booked dins for Sat

At that pie place

Which both Dads are obsessed with

Pete

YAS!

I love that place

Frank

Same

I fancy myself a pie man

Dorcas

I like it

Although I still can’t get over

That they charge £20 for a pie

In Jamaica a pie is like $3

Marlene

Woah

That’s awesome!

James

Yes well

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Sam

Oh my God

You’re already such a dad

 Remus

I think he came out the womb

Telling dad jokes

James

And then it’s out to get lashed

Except for my baby Mamma

And me

Lily

Why you?

God its going to be a riot

Being in the only sober one

Alice

I have literally only just realised

I didn’t see you drink ANYTHING

On the castle weekend!

Lily

Yes Al

Up the duff remember…

Alice

No I mean

I can’t believe I didn’t clock sooner

Pete

Think that was the point Alice

Alice

Oh

Yeh

I see what you mean

Remus
 Prongs are you not drinking

Because Lils can’t drink??

James

Yup

Sirius

Good man

James

Hardly

Tis only fair

I shall also not be participating

In any extreme sports

Or eating any Brie

Marlene

Were you planning too anyway??

James

I was not

Dorcas

It’s the thought that counts

I think it’s sweet

Lily

Me too

Everyone’s right

You are going to be a great dad

James

I hope so

Remus

You can asks Monty for tips

 He’s a fab dad

James

Yes

Well

I will

When we tell them

Lily

Oh yeh

PLEASE

I know it’s really not on

But can we please not mention Baby P

When we’re out?

We still haven’t worked out

When we’re going to tell parents etc

Dorcas

Yeh course

Frank

Got it

Sam

I shall try my best

To keep Pete under control

Marlene

Oh God Pete

Yes

You’re going to have to keep him distracted Sam

James
Oooo…

Lily

Potter!

James

Sorry flower

Pete

Fine

I shall try my hardest

But only because this baby is my life

And I’m not going to complain

If Sammy is the one doing the distracting

Remus

I bet you’re not

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Siriusly

When are you going to tell mum and dad?

Jam

I don’t know

I know it has to be soon

Siriusly

They’ll be really upset if you keep it from them

Jam

Yeh I know

I’m just fucking terrified of their reaction

What if they hate me?

Siriusly

They’re not going to hate you!!

James

That little baby is going to be doted on

They’re going to have two grandparents

Who completely adore them

Jam

I hope so

I just know that this isn’t what they probably imagined

Siriusly

Surely that’s the same for everyone though?

No-one saw this coming

Jam

Yeh

I’m still scared

Siriusly

I know

And I will be there every step of the way

I will be there when you tell them if you want me to be

Jam

Thanks Padfoot

I know you want me to tell them

Siriusly

I really don’t want to add pressure on

Or anything

Because I know its nothing to do with me

Its just that I really don’t want to have to keep stuff from them

Not after everything they’ve done for me

Jam
 I knew you were going to pull that

Siriusly

Can’t tell me it’s not a fair comment though

Jam

I guess

But you’re right

That it has nothing to do with you

Siriusly

I’m not falling out with you over this

I am WELL aware that you need to do this on your terms

I’m just

I dunno

Saying my piece

Jam

Ok

They need to know before the wedding anyway

Lily will be 17 weeks then

She’ll probably be showing

Siriusly

And

As I’ve already started on this

I really don’t want

There to be any drama at my actual wedding

I’m only going to get married once

And Remus deserves to have the best day

Jam

Yeh

Ok that is fair enough

Not just Remus though

 You deserve it to you know

To have the best day

Siriusly

I know

I do tell myself that

I struggle with it though

Jam

I know you do

Ok I’ll make you a deal

I can’t promise I’ll have told them by the weekend

But I will have by the wedding

I think really we need to tell them before the scan

Which is only in a couple of weeks

Siriusly

Ok deal

And yes

I agree before the scan

I think they’ll be sad you kept it from them

If you wait until after

They’ll want to support you Prongs

Jam

I’m going to need their bloody support

It’s not like I have any money

Siriusly

I can always help with money

Jam

You can’t use your inheritance on my baby

You’ll need it for your own

Siriusly
Baby Potter’s cousins

And you know as well as I do

That’s there’s enough cash to go round

ANYWAY

I honestly don’t think it’ll come to that

They’re not going to cut you off or anything

Jam

We’ll see

------------------------------

PB to my J

Pads

I think I’ve pissed Prongs off

Moons

Oh no!

Why?

Pads

I told him about not wanting to keep things from Monty and Effie

Moons

Oh babe

That’s hard

On both sides though

Pads

And its like

I can see why he’s pissed off

Because it really isn’t my business

But at the same time

They’ve done so much for me

I don’t want to sneak around behind their backs

 Moons

I know

He will tell them though

Pads

Yeh

Can’t wait to come home

Work’s dragging today

Moons

January blues possum

Want to go out for dinner or something tonight?

Pads

Yeh maybe

Or get a takeaway

And watch James Bond?

Moons

Whatever you want

Want to ask Frank and James over?

Pads

No not really

Just want you

Moons

And I always want you

So that works out just fine

------------------------------

The Marauders

Wormy

Mega excited for Saturday lads

 Prongs

Same!

Want to just go out

And not think about life for a bit

Moony

Will be good

Have you spoken to the dads J?

Prongs

I have

Dad told the same Pie Rates joke as me

It was

Surreal

Padfoot

Like father like son!

Prongs

I’ll show him

I’m going to out dad joke him

I’m going to be the dad with the most jokes

Padfoot

I don’t doubt it

Prongs

I’m sorry for snapping early Paddy

Padfoot

Nah

You’re good

I’m sorry for sticking my oar in

Wormtail

No!

There was fighting??

 Moony where the hell were you??

I’ve only been gone a day!

Moony

I don’t control what they talk about Pete!

Wormtail

That’s not what Sirius says…

Prongs

WAHEY!

Padfoot

I’d deny it but then I’d be lying

I love it when he bosses me around

Wormtail

Yes

You are very vocal about this

Moony

I don’t boss you around!!

Padfoot

I’m teasing gorgeous

Moony

Oh

Ok

Oops

Padfoot

God you’re so cute

 Prongs

What are you two doing tonight?

Frankie and I might go out for food

Come?

Moony

Just ordered Vietnamese

Going to watch James Bond

Prongs

Oh nice!

Snuggles?

Padfoot

Lots

But maybe come over when you’ve eaten?

Bring pudding or something?

Moony

Ooo yeh

Do that!

Prongs

Sounds good

I def will

Not sure on F

Will ask

Should think he will though

Padfoot

Tell him we’ve got some of that weird Pineapple beer he likes

Prongs

Haha

Will do
 Wormtail

That beer was rank

Moony

Better than that birthday cake one

That had actual bits in

Wormtail

Beer debris if you will

Need to get more fancy beer

Come round ours next Tues maybe?

We can have dinner

And fancy beer

Padfoot

Sounds good!

Prongs

Well up for that!

Wormtail

Moony

Pete!

Wormtail

Just let them Moony

It’ll happen

Moony

Really??

Wormtail

Yep!
Padfoot

I’m confused

Prongs

Me too??

Wormtail

Padfoot

Prongs

Beers at mine

Next Tuesday

After work

Padfoot

OH MY GOD!

Prongs

Are you serious???

Please don’t be shitting with me

My heart won’t be able to take it

Wormtail

Deadly Sirius

We move in on Sunday!!

Moony

AHHHHHHH!

SAM??

Here?

Wormtail

With Sam

Yes Edinburgh

Padfoot
Wormy!

This is just the best news!

How long have you been planning this

You sneaky little rat

Wormtail

I’ve been thinking about it for ages

If I’m honest

And then little Baby P made an appearance

And that sort of cemented it

I want to be there to help and stuff

I asked Sam when I got back last night

And they’re all up for it

Prongs

Pete

I don’t know what to say

Wormtail

Nothing to say

But you can help unpack the van on Sunday

Prongs

Oh man

Too many emotions right now

I will BE there

I will be the best van unpacker you’ve ever seen

Moony

Seconded

Although not gonna lie

It’ll be hangover dependent

Padfoot

Haha same

I’m so excited Petey!

How did you manage to find something so quick?

Wormtail

Sam’s uncle has an empty flat!

Been empty for a while

And also means mates rates

Which is a HUGE help

Prongs

Where about is it?

Wormtail

Just on the edge of Leith

So it’s only like a 20 minute walk to you!

Moony

Wow!!

This is just the best news ever

Wormy

You and I are going to be the best baby sitters!

Wormtail

I know!!

Prongs

Lads

I really don’t know what to say

 I feel like everyones changing their plans for me

Moony

My plan was to sit on my arse

For the next 3 years

Writing my dissertation

I’m going to need a distraction

I’m going to teach Baby P Latin

Padfoot

Course you are

You wonderful man

And then Uncle Padfoot

Godfather extraordinaire will come home

And we can play

Moony

Erm

I think you’ll find that I am Godfather

Padfoot

Over my dead body

Prongs??

Prongs

To be fair Padfoot

Moony did call shotgun

You know how I feel about shotgun rules

Padfoot

Erggghhhh

This is SO unfair!
I didn’t know we could call it!

Moony

You have no idea how smug I am right now

Wormtail

Ahhh

Harry Peter Potter

You’re already the best baby ever

 Chapter 43

Wolfbucks

Rem

Prongsie

We need to talk about Padfoot

Jamie

What about him?

Oh my god Remus

Please DO NOT tell me

You are getting cold feet

Rem

What?

Jamie

Rem you can’t do this!

It will crush him

And if I’m being selfish

It’ll crush me too

Fuck

Where are you?

Are you at home?

I’m coming over

Where’s Sirius?

Have you told him?

Rem

Bloody hell

Chill James!

Ok

Firstly
Fuck you for thinking I’d ever get cold feet

James

Oh thank God

You had me properly worried

Rem

Literally just said I wanted to talk about Pads James

Which isn’t exactly unusual

He’s my favourite topic

In all areas

James

That is true

But still

Don’t freak me out like that

You know I’m on edge these days

Midwife app tomorrow and everything

Rem

I know Jam

Sorry

Anyway

Yes I’m at home

Yes Sirius is here with me

Although he is currently not speaking to me

James

What??

Oh God!

Have you had a fight??

Does he have cold feet??

Rem

You really need to get some sleep

Although that last one was on me

Poss shouldn’t have ended with that

My bad

He is not speaking to me

But we are cuddling on the sofa

Both with very warm feet

James

Too much adrenalin to sleep

Why isn’t he talking to you

Rem

It’s this whole Godfather thing

He v mad about it

James

Ah

I see

The thing is Rem

Shotgun rules

My hands are tied

Rem

I know

And usually I’d be all over it

You know I’m a stickler for the rules

James

Yes well

Past prefect and all

Rem

Exactly

But this time

Well the pout James

I’m just sure I’m strong enough to resist

James

Hmm

Sirius times

I see your predicament

I will consider an amendment to the rule

Rem

Glad you understand

Do you know how weird it is

To have sex with Padfoot

And for him to be completely quiet throughout??

James

Unsurprisingly

I do not know how weird it is

But I can imagine

Having only been party to loud sex Padfoot

Sexfoot

If you will

Rem

I will not

Jamie

Fair

What I want to know though

Is if he can be quiet

When planting the parsnips

Then why is he always so bloody loud??

Rem

I asked

No response
Just snuggled into my chest a little bit more

No wait

I think he’s texting you…

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Siriusly

More fun innit

Very freeing

And lets be honest

Most of the time I can’t help it

I had to concentrate SO HARD earlier

Moony knows what he’s doing…

Jam

EYYYY!

(also hard hehehe)

-----------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jamie

He says he can’t help it

And that you know what you’re doing

Rem

I love it when he’s loud

He’s so yum

Tell him he’s yummy

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam
 Moony says you’re yummy

And that he loves it when you’re loud

Siriusly

Tell him I think he’s yummier

And ask if he fancies another go

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jamie

Padfoot says you’re yummier

And wants to know if you fancy another go?

Rem

Erm

Obviously I want another go

Tell him yes please

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Jam

He says yes please

Siriusly

Ooo yay

Where this time?

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jamie

Where this time?

Rem

Bed?

Sofa?
Ooo shower maybe?

Jamie

Wait a hot minute

Why the hell am I talking to Sirius for you??

He’s not talking to you

You’re still talking to him!!

Rem

Oh yeh

Jamie

So ask him yourself you sex crazed beast

But then tell me where you decide

I’m invested now

Rem?

Rem?

Re-Mooooose?

Ahhh

You’re busy now

You horny DOGS

-------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Pete

Brace yourselves people

Pete added Monty and Lyall to the group

Monty
 Hello

Lyall

Montyyyyyy

Monty

Lyalllllllll

Remus

You are literally in the same room

Lyall

Let’s ask the magic conch if I give a fuck…

No

Monty

HA!

Suck on that MoOSe

Sirius

Oh my God Dad!

Alice

Already dying

Monty

Aliiiiiiice

Lyall

Aliiiiiice

Remus

Yes

Enough of that thanks

 Marlene

Hi Dads!

What’s with the horse Monts??

Monty

I don’t know really. I just think he’s a cool fellow

Sam

I like him

Alice

Saaaaaam

Pete

Really Alice?

Alice

Sirius

Dad

Da

This is a one night pass to the group chat

And only because we think you are liabilities

Monty

That’s so homophobic

Lyall

I know right? Don’t worry Monty, I’ve got you boo.

Remus

It’s going to be a long night

Frank

It’s not just the night that’s going to be long

Not if you’re wearing those leather leggings

Dorcas

Fran Man…

Again

Pete

Oh Fran-king

Maybe you’re the liability

Marlene

Go off Franboy!

Nice to see it’s not a once time thing

Sirius

Tis one of the main reasons

We added you to the GC Fighter Fran

Alice

You’re in luck Frankie

Frank

FFS

How have you got so many new names??

I blame James

James
 Hey!

Sam

It’s true though isn’t it?

James

I invoke my right to remain silent

Pete

Can we FOCUS

We’re meeting everyone at The Three Sisters

At 7pm

For Pre drinks

James

Then dinner

Then Frankenstein

And then let’s be honest

We’re going to end up at Hive

Remus

Sounds good to me

Lily

Literally can’t wait to just go out

The midwife has stressed me!

She was lovely

But now everything seems really real

Like this baby is actually coming

Pete
❤

Marlene

What are

you wearing

tonight Sirius?

I’ve tried

On lots

Of thing

But

Can’t make

My

Mind up

Sirius

Well

First

I thought

I might wear

My

New black jeans

Because

They make

my

arse
 look

But then

Alice’ idea

Of leather jeggings

Made me think

About my

Leather trousers

Remus

YES
I am

Definitely

Definitely

Team leather trousers

Personally

I think

I’m going to wear

My dark blue chinos

And a pink stripy shirt

Or maybe

my green check one

Sam
@Dorcas

Can I still

Borrow those

Purple heels?

Please

Dorcas

Yes of course

Lyall

Did you know

That Remus’ Auntie Joan

Has a new rescue dog?

It has huge testicles

I’m concerned about her sofas

I’m unsure what to do

Should she invite us to tea

Remus

Da?!
How do I even reply to that?

Sirius

You could take some febreeze with you?

Remus

Cariad!

Why would you encourage this?

Lyall

That is a good ‘shout’ ‘Rus, thank you.

Sirius

You’re welcs Da!

Monty

Smart idea ‘Rus

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Siriusly

You ok?

Jam

I don’t know

Am i??

Has he said anything?

What a fucking ballsup

Siriusly

Nothing

Can’t work out if he saw or not

Lyall def did though

Jam
 Yeh I guessed

With the whole dog testicle thing

Siriusly

Classic Da

Lily ok?

Jam

Nope

She’s freaked the fuck out

We’ve had to stop

I thought she was going to have a panic attack

Siriusly

Fuck

It’s out fault for adding them

We should have pre warned you

Jam

No-ones fault

I’m going to tell him tomorrow

Before he goes back home

It's too stressful

Siriusly

Ok

I’m proud of you J

Jam

Will you be with me?

When I tell him?

Siriusly

Course I will

With you every step of the way J

You know that

 ------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Alice

Where are the dads??

Remus

Good Christ

We’ve literally only just got here!

Sirius

They not in the booth??

Pete

Nope

Sirius

Well they’re not at the bar

Marlene

Don’t panic

I’ve just seen them on the dancefloor with Gid and Kingsley

Remus

Of course you have

@Lyall

@Monty

Come back to the booth

Sam

Your drinks are on the way dads!

Lyall

Who sings this? Rhina?

 Frank

This song atm?

Lyall

No that other one.

I may be bad but I am perfectly good at it.

Sex in the air, I don’t care I like the smell of it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.

Kinky. Nice beat too.

Monty

A rather intimidating young women has just informed Lyall and myself that we are DILFS. Is this
a good thing?

Remus

It mean Devoted Involved Loving Father

NOW COME AND SIT DOWN

Lyall

No can do ‘Moose. I’ve just requested the DJ play Hit me with your Rhythm Stick

Monty

A true classic

Dorcas

I am DYING right now

Pete

Who the chuff is Rhina?

------------------------------

‘Oh my God James, I’m fine!’ Lily said, snatching up two bottles of coke from the bar and walking
in the direction of the corner booth the others were sat in, James following along immediately after
her.

‘You’re not fine!’ he put a hand on her shoulder to stop her, ‘You keep taking really weird deep
breaths. What’s wrong?’
Lily shrugged his hand off, mumbling a ‘Sorry,’ to the people who were trying to get past her and
James and she tugged him over to one side. ‘I just feel a bit sick, that’s literally it. And I’ve got a
bit of a tummy ache,’ she added reluctantly.

‘Oh, ok,’ James replied, ‘I’m sorry you feel sick. Coke will help though.’

‘That’s why I got it.’

‘Do you want to go home? No-one will mind if we go. I actually don’t think they’d notice.’

‘They’d definitely notice,’ Lily said, ‘I swear your Dad has been looking at me all evening.’

‘No he hasn’t,’ James said, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into his chest, propping his
chin on her head, ‘You’re overthinking.’

‘Says you,’ Lily slumped against him, ‘Fuck I feel really sick.’

‘I’m sorry,’ James kissed her hair, ‘Remember the midwife said to ring the GP if it gets really bad.’

‘Yeh, I know,’ Lily pulled back, ‘I’ll see how I get on.’ She put a hand on her stomach and rubbed
it up and down, ‘Bloody baby.’

James smiled, ‘My baby.’

‘Your baby,’ Lily agreed, ‘The tummy ache is freaking me out. I shouldn’t have googled so much
shit in the car on the way up here. Everything I read was bad.’

‘It hurts because your womb is literally expanding Lils, all the ligaments are stretching. Does it
feel like a stitch, or like period pain?’

‘Yeh. Good job my baby Daddy is going to be a Dr hey?’ Lily sighed, ‘Come on, let’s get back,
everyone will think we’re doing a Blupin and are banging in loos.’

------------------------------

‘Come dance Lils!’ Alice said, standing up and taking Lily’s hand, ‘Come onnn.’

Lily smiled up at her but shook her head, ‘I’m good Al.’

Alice squeezed her hand, ‘You sure?’ shuffling to the side to let Pete and Sam pass, watching them
head to the dance floor too.

‘Yeh, I’m – actually yeh,’ Lily stood up, ‘Come on, this is a tune.’

‘You sure Lils?’ James said, raising his voice over the music, ‘What about-‘ he trailed off as Lily
shot him one of her patented ‘Lily Looks.’

‘I’m fine James, you coming?’ she gestured towards the dance floor and he looked over. Marlene
was cheering as Pete and Sam approached and just behind them he could see Remus and Sirius
plastered together, grinding to the beat as Sirius visibly sucked on Remus’ neck. ‘No. You go. I’m
going to stay here.’ He watched her go and then slumped back in his chair, downing the remainder
of his coke.

‘You don’t fancy dancing tonight then?’ a voice said from behind him and James jumped as a hand
was clapped on his shoulder.
‘Fucking hell Pa, you scared the shit out of me,’ James said, sitting forward as Monty took a seat
opposite him, ‘And no, not really feeling it tonight.’

Monty looked at him for several seconds and then stood up, ‘Up you get son, come and talk to
me.’

James looked like he wanted to argue for a moment but then stood up too, leading Monty round the
edge of the dance floor and out into a small outside area, which was deserted.

‘Bugger me it’s a bit nippy out here,’ Monty huffed, rubbing his hands together and James gave a
weak laugh, ‘At least you’ve got a jacket on.’

‘Monty hummed, looking down at the tweed jacket he was wearing, ‘Yes, well this will have to go
to the dry cleaners after tonight, Marlene spilt something called a jagerbomb down the back.’

‘Sirius loves jagerbombs,’ James said trying to sound casual.

‘I have recently learnt this fact about him. I watched him drink three in a row and then clamber
into his fiancés lap.’

‘You’re lucky it was just clambering into Rem’s lap, we’ve had the whole show before,’ James
muttered and Monty chuckled.

They stood in silence for a minute, the thud of the base and the flashing strobe lights making the
little makeshift garden vibrate and glow. James’ ears were ringing and suddenly he felt very tired.

‘Do you want to talk to me James?’ Monty said softly but James just shook his head, lips pressed
together tightly as he blinked hard, refusing to make eye contact. ‘James?’

James sat down heavily on a bench and put his face in his hands. Monty sat down beside him,
putting an arm around his shoulder and pulling him into his chest.

‘Pa,’ James croaked, body shuddering as a sob escaped and Monty held him tighter.

‘It’s alright James.’

James took a deep breath, ‘Lily’s pregnant,’ he whispered, ‘Please don’t hate me.’ He clutched at
the hem of Monty’s sleeveless jumper, ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Oh James,’ Monty said sadly, taking James’ hand in his, ‘Don’t say things like that.’

‘What am I going to do Dad?’

‘I don’t know James,’ Monty let go of James’ hand and began to rub his back, ‘But we’ll work it
out. I promise everything will be ok.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ James said again.

‘Stop it,’ Monty said, more firmly and pushed James upright so he could look at him, ‘You have
nothing to apologise for. Everyone makes mistakes but not every mistake ends with the gift of
life. Be grateful James, a beautiful thing has happened.’

‘Oh Dad!’ James said, as he burst into tears, collapsing back into his father, ‘I was so scared you’d
hate me,’ and Monty actually laughed,

‘What a ridiculous thing to be scared of.’

‘Are you – are you – disappointed?’ James asked, forehead still resting on Monty’s shoulder.

‘What? No! Of course not. Surprised, yes. But not disappointed, never disappointed.’

‘Ok,’ James said weakly and then said again, ‘I don’t know what to do. About anything. I’m so
worried about everything.’

‘We’ll figure it all out. There’s no need to be worried. We can all sit down and work it all out in
time. But tonight is not the night for that.’

‘Ok,’ James sniffed, lifting his head and looking at Monty who was smiling at him,

‘I’m always so proud of you James. You must remember that.’

James nodded and gave him a watery smile in return, ‘I hope I can be as good a Pa as you.’

‘I’m sure you’ll be better,’ Monty affirmed, standing up, pulling James up with him and then
digging in his jacket pocket for his phone, ‘Come on, let’s call Granny and tell her the good news,
she’ll be furious that Grandpa was the first to know.’
 Chapter 44

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Lily

How was your eve

At Chez Pete & Sam lads?

We are all very jealous!

Sirius

So good!

This time we had canapes

And dressed up all posh

Big M looks scrum

Alice

Oooo

Check you out

Very fancy!

Sam

Well you see Alice

I am in fact

Very fancy

Remus

I agree

Your dress tonight was very fancy too!

James

This!

Low key fancied a go in it myself

Sam

Feel free to borrow any time Prongs

 Reckon you’d look good in it with those thighs of yours

Lily

Annnnd now I’m turned on

Again

Bloody hormones

Marlene

BAHAHAHA

Can this Lily stay?

She’s horny AND hilarious!

Lily

Well this Lily

Has been spending most of her free time

Getting well acquainted with her fingers

So there hasn’t been much time

For hilarity

Pete

Lily!

James

Flower!

Frank

I don’t even know what to say…

Dorcas

Preggo Lily has no filter

It’s amazing

Remus

Now you’ve broken James

Who I’ve honest to god

Just caught checking train times

It’s 1 in the morning

There are no trains

Alice

Haha!

Too bad J!

Sirius

Look at this

Baby Potter already playing his Dad

Lily

I wish someone would play with me

Marlene

YES LILS!

Sirius

I am v much enjoying this

Remus

Me too!

Sirius

Although obviously highly shocked and offended

At the inappropriateness

James

Oh no you don’t Blupin!

You’re the worst out of all of us!

Remus

Hey!

Sirius
 Slander!

We haven’t been caught doing anything for ages!!

Dorcas

By ages

You mean

What 3 weeks?

4 at a push?

James

Bullshit!

I literally walked in on Rem giving Padfoot a hand job yesterday!

Remus

Yes but you don’t count

You didn’t knock

So it was no-ones fault but your own

James

There was no sock on the door handle

Remus

Is that even still at thing??

There’s never been a sock on the door handle

James

I stand by it

Pete

Yeh

But what about on Sunday night

When you claimed to be showering

After helping us move in?

 There was A LOT of noise

That I wouldn’t necessarily associate with getting clean

Unless Moony was extra filthy

And Padfoot needed to clean him harder

Alice

Sounds more like

Sirius was getting Rem dirty

Remus

Oh yeh

I’d forgotten about that

Sirius

Moomin!

How could you

I was pulling out my best shower moves!

I managed to hold you up

For at least a minute

Remus

No I mean I’d forgotten

We left Pete and Sam

Finishing their tea in the living room

You were gone when we got out

Pete

I wonder why…

Sirius

Oh sure sure

That’s ok then
Frank

Classic Remus and Sirius really isn’t it

Sam

I’m learning this thick and fast

Sirius

Thick and fast you say…

Pete

NO Padfoot!

Bad dog

Remus

Mmmm

Bad. Dog.

Sirius

Woof woof Re

Woof woof

Marlene

I can already see where this is going

Are they still at yours Pam?

Pete

Unfortunately yes

They are being handsy

Remus

We are not!
Frank

Just because you’re sitting down

Doesn’t mean we can’t see Sirius’ hand in your trousers Rem

Dorcas

Oh boys!

Right in front of their canapes!

Remus

Fiiiiine

Pads has gone to the loo now anyway

Sam

I cry

My poor new loo

Sirius

Hey!

I’m just having a wee!

Have had to sit down though…

Pete

You are literally the worst

Alice

And to think

Earlier on in this convo

I was going to congratulate you

For keeping it more or less PG in the GC

Recently

Remus
Never mind babe

You want to go home and makeout?

*hangout

Bloody autocorrect

Sirius

Maybe

Although was thinking maybe

You might want to sit on my face instead?

*I mean grab a drink

Damn autocorrect

Remus

Well

It seems like autocorrect

Clearly just wants us to bang

*hang

God every time!

Dorcas

Pete’s right

You are the worst

Sirius

Thank you!

Pete

Lily has gone awfully quiet

Lily

I WONDER WHY?!

James
 Fuck

Lily

Facetime me

And I’ll let you watch

James

Yup

I’m out

Literally and figuratively

Frank

Why did I have to join this chat again??

I’d like to leave

------------------------------

Not Fast, Just Furious

Remy

I’m sorry

I know we’re the cool ones

But I just need to

Marly

What’s he done now?

Remy

Ugh

This morning

I could hear him talking in the kitchen

And he was going on about how we don’t chew the kettle cord

And I thought maybe Prongs had come over

And they were talking some weird rugby thing

But no

He was talking to Minty

Marly
 I see

Remy

You don’t see!

It was so cute

I just want to squish him

Marly

Because him and Minty

Were chewing the kettle cable?

Remy

No

Obviously he wasn’t chewing it

But Minty was

Marly

Look Rem

I know you’re like sooooo into him

But I’m really confused right now?

What the fuck you talking about?

Remy

Oh never mind

He just said

That he didn’t want Minty

To feel like she had to deal with the problem on her own

So he said we so she knew they could work on it together

Marly

Riiiight

It’s a good job you’re marrying him Rem

Because most of the time

No-one has a fucking clue

What either of you are going on about

Remy

Bit harsh

Marly

Oh probably

But very fair

Remy

Eh

You’re probs right

I’m marrying him Marls

Marly

I know

2 weeks!

Remy

I know

Marly

Freaking out yet?

Remy

Nah

Don’t think I will

I mean this is what I’ve wanted to happen

Since I met the bloke

Marly

Man you two make me sick

But like

In a good way

Remy

Thanks?

Marly
 You’re welcs!

------------------------------

A Good Pear

Alice

Why were you eating

The kettle wires this morning?

Sirius

What?

Alice

Marls said

That Remus said

That you and the cat

Were chewing on the wires of the kettle this morning?

Sirius

Umm

Firstly

She has NAME Alice

Alice

Sorry

You and MINTY

Sirius

Better

And obviously I wasn’t

But she was

I just didn’t want her to feel bad

So acted like I sometimes do it to

I think she bought it

Alice

Christ you’re so weird

Good thing Remus loves you

Sirius

Rude

Writing my vows today

Alice

OMG are you??!

Can I read them??

Sirius

Yep

and

Nope

Alice

Ooohhhh

Please?

I’ll proof read!

Sirius

Lyall’s proof reading for me

Alice

Ok

So that’s the cutest shit I’ve ever heard

Is Monts doing Rem’s?

Sirius

Don’t think so

He’s not said anyway

His won’t need proof reading

He’s so smart

Alice

And you’re so smitten

Sirius
 I bloody hope so

I’m about to take him last name

Alice

Sirius

Got to practise my new signature

Alice

As if you haven’t been doing that since first year

Sirius

Oh fuck off

Alice

HAHAHA

You simp

Did you tell him that in that letter you pretend you didn’t write?

Sirius

I have no idea what you’re talking about

Alice

I’ll crack Big Dill eventually

All I want in life is to read that letter

I bet it’s mega adorable

Sirius

It’s mega awkward is what it is

Alice

So there IS a letter…

Sirius

Bugger

------------------------------

Private Message
Monty has changed the name of the chat to Dads’ Club

James

Fuck Dad

That freaks me out a bit

Monty has changed his name to Grandpa

Grandpa has changed James to Dad

Grandpa

Well you better get used to it!

Granny and I are thinking of you both today.

We’re certain everything will be absolutely fine

Dad

Thanks Pa

Grandpa

How is Lily today? I hope she is feeling a bit brighter?

Dad

Still feeling sick

But the tablets have stopped her actually being sick

She seems ok about the scan

I’m bloody terrified

Grandpa

Well it’s natural to feel nervous. When I went with your mother for yours the technician called her
name and I was all flustered and strode into the room and shut the door. And then realised I’d left
your mother behind in the waiting room.

Dad

Yeh

That makes me feel better

I don’t think I’m leaving Lily in the waiting room terrified

Grandpa

Glad to help in any way I can! I’ve got many a tale of when your mother was expecting you. In
fact, last night I spent some time detailing in short how you came about. Would you like to hear
it?

Dad

Erm

Yes?

Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Grandpa

Oh ye of little faith James Fleamont

Dad

Fine

Go on then

Grandpa
♀️ ♂️ ❤️ ❤️ = …

Dad

W
 Chapter 45
Chapter Notes

The last chapter before the wedding kicks off...

Thank you All-Write-Now for the idea re:shotgun rules

The Marauders

Prongs

Lads

I can’t

Moony

Oh FUCK ME

That’s an actual baby

A mini Prongs

Wormtail

Oh God

Actual tears

Oh James!

They’re perfect!

Prongs

I know!

Sorry for going all 1920’s housewife

But I feel all giddy!

Moony
 Pass the man the smelling salts

Everything all good??

Prongs

Yep everything looked great!

Is Padfoot home Moony?

Moony

Yeh he’s here

He’s having some emotions

Prongs

Tell him to ring me in a bit

And we can have emotions together

Moony

He says he will

It’s a great scan pic

Isn’t it Pads…

Padfoot

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

I would literally throw myself in front of a bus for that little baby

Wormtail

Yes

And it must be so nice

To have seen a photo…

You know

An actual representation of an actual thing…

Prongs

Yes

But why is that Wormy?

Wormtail

I’m so glad you asked Prongs

Because

Now I have seen the photo

I can officially call shotgun

On being Uncle Pete

Moony

Oh yes that right Wormy

Because shotgun may only be called when the article in question is in full view

Early calls are strictly prohibited

Prongs

How very interesting Moony

What a time to be alive!

I thank GOD that I’m going to be a FATHER

Padfoot

What the fuck you all on about?

I can’t stop looking at it

They’re sucking their little thumb

Can I print this for my wallet J?

Prongs

I give up

Moony

We tried

Wormtail

What a dweeb

Padfoot

Hey!

I’m not a dweeb

 You looking for a fight ‘Tails?

Wormtail

Maybe I am Paddywack

What you going to do about it?

Padfoot

You wanna fight?

I’ll give you a fight

Wormtail

Bring it!

Padfoot

Oh it’s on!

What’s your favourite animal?

Wormtail

A rhino

Padfoot

Yeh?

Well

Fuck rhinos

Prongs

Woah!

Moony

Babe!

Padfoot

You heard me

No-one messes with Uncle Sirius

Wormtail

Well that told me

Well fought Paddy

Well fought

Padfoot

That was fun!

Love yoooou

But not as much as baby

Wormtail

Oh obviously

Baby is my #1

Have already told Sam

They seemed to take it quite well

Prongs

I love you guys so much

I’m just going to say it

I think I’m actually beginning to feel excited about it

Moony

Yay!

I’m not going to pretend it’s not going to be fucking difficult

But we’re all here

We’re all ready

And Jesus CHRIST you’re going to be the best dad ever

Wormtail

Here here!

Padfoot

You really are

I can’t wait to babysit

And pretend the baby is crying

So I can put it in our bed and snuggle it all night

 Moony

Be right back

Heart imploding

Prongs

Baby making Padfoot broody

Padfoot

Don’t even joke

Oh James!

Prongs

I know

And Lils and I had a really good talk about stuff afterwards too

Pete

Yes Prongsie!

That’s so fab

Prongs

Yeh

I mean we still have no fucking clue what we’re doing

But at least we’re getting somewhere

Moony

It’ll work out

I know it will

Did she say anymore about potentially looking for a job up here?

Prongs

Yeh

I think that’s probably the plan

I want to leave the ball in her court there

But ya know

Be supportive at the same time

God being an adult is hard

Padfoot

You’re telling me!

Earlier I had to

SHOTGUN GODFATHER!!!!!!!

Prongs

Yeaaaahhhh!

He got it!

Wormtail

It finally happened!

Moony

Thank Christ for that

Padfoot

YES!

In your FACES LOSERS

Wormtail

Hey!

Moony

Sirius!

Padfoot

Shit

Sorry sorry

It’s all just got a bit too much for me

 Moony

It’s ok

To be honest I’m relieved

The pouting was becoming almost unbearable

In a I need you naked right now sort of a way

Padfoot

Reaaalllly?

In that case

Wormtail

Sirius?

Rem?

You still there?

We’ve lost them Prongs

Prongs

I believe you’re right Uncle Pete

#Lupinlovetobone

------------------------------

My Ride or Die

Incomming call from Siriusly

‘You finished fucking then?’ James asked cheerily, the moment he answered.

‘Hey!’ Sirius’ slightly punch drunk voice came through the speaker, ‘I am offended, we weren’t
fucking.’

‘Padfoot, you literally sound as though you’ve just had your brains banged out,’ James pointed out
and next to him Lily snorted as the lady at the table next to them gave James an unimpressed look.
‘Oh. Ok. Well then yes. We’ve finished.’

‘Was it good?’

‘So good.’

‘Nice. Who came first?’

‘James!’ Lily elbowed him in the ribs.

‘What?! I need the post sex run down. Me and Wormy have a thing going.’

‘Of course you do,’ Lily muttered taking another bite of her chocolate twist, ‘I can’t believe you’re
the father of my child.’

‘Hiiiii Lily!’ Sirius shouted.

‘Hello Sirius,’ Lily replied in a long suffering sort of a tone, but she was smiling.

‘Re came first,’ Sirius carried on, ‘But it wasn’t really a fair, I’d had a wank in the shower 20
minutes ago.’

‘Nice, nice,’ James replied, taking a sip of his coffee, ‘Sounds like a good morning in the Lupin
household.’

‘Oh it was, love working from home days. Why did I ring you again? Oh my god yes! Prongs!
The baby!’

James laughed and took Lily’s hand, bringing the phone up between them so she could listen to
Sirius’ excited rambling.
‘I can’t believe how much of a little person they are. You said at the last scan it was just a grey
blob but I could definitely see them sucking their thumb in this one. Fucking hell Prongs I can’t
believe you have managed to make something so cute, they’ve clearly got their mum’s genes thank
GOD and wait!-‘

‘About bloody time,’ James muttered to Lily who huffed a laugh and kissed James’ cheek,

‘Your serious though right? About the Godfather thing? I know it’s stupid but honestly James I
think my heart might break if you tell me you were pissing around.’

‘Wow,’ James said, mainly to Lily but making sure Sirius could still hear him, ‘This must be a big
deal if he let a serious joke slide.’

‘Don’t fuck with me James.’

‘Padfoot. Come on. As if I would have asked anyone else. You’re going to be that little blob’s best
friend in the whole world, just like his Dad’s. I wouldn’t have anyone else. Padfoot?’

‘Hi Prongs,’ Remus’ amused voice echoed in James’ ear, ‘He’s here, he’s happy sad.’

‘What the fuck is happy sad?’ Lily asked leaning closer to speak into the microphone, ‘Hi Rem.’

‘Hi Lils! How Mummy?’

‘Yeh I’m all good thanks.’

‘Is Padfoot ok?’ James interrupted and in the background there came a choked ‘Yes!’ and Remus
laughed,

‘He’s fine. He’s lovely.’

‘He’s yours,’ James pointed out and Remus hummed,

‘That he is. I can already tell he’s going to spend the rest of the day looking up world’s best
Godfather shit.’

‘Well,’ James paused to look at Lily, who nodded, smiling widely, ‘If he finds anything good tell
him to order double yeh?’

There was a slight pause, ‘Yeh?’ Remus asked hopefully.

‘Yes you muffin!’ James said with a chuckle, ‘We talked about it. We can’t think of two better
people to be the baby’s guardians if anything happens. We were going to tell you as part of your
wedding present but eh, yolo.’

‘I’m going to let the horrendous and offensive use of yolo slide, but only because,’ Remus’ voice
cracked, ‘Yay!’

‘Not you too!

‘I don’t even know why I’m crying! I promise you both if anything happens we will take the best
care of them ok?’

‘We know you will,’ James said, his own voice feeling thick, ‘Love you Lupins.’

There was a muffled clatter as the phone was put down, ‘We love you too Prongs,’ both Sirius and
Remus said, ‘And Lily,’ Sirius added, ‘And baby!’ Remus said and they all laughed.

‘I’m going to go,’ James said, ‘We want to go to John Lewis before my train but I’ll come for dins
this eve. There’s a couple of wedding bits we need to go through.’

‘Sounds good,’ Remus said, ‘I think we’re going to do duck legs.’

‘Yum. Ok well I’ll see you both later. Love you Bye!’
 ------------------------------

My Support Bras

Lils

Als

OMG!

Oh my God Lily!

They’re perfect!

Marls

Oh look how gorgeous!

It’s such a perfect picture

Look at their little button nose

Dorky

That is the cutest fucking baby I’ve ever seen

Knew you and James would have good looking kids

Was everything ok?

Lils

All good!

Measuring spot on time wise

Couldn’t see any abnormalities

Dorky

Amazing news

Lils

We went to John Lewis on the way to the station

And bought a Babygro

Marly

Oh Lils

See

It’s all going to be fine

How was J?

Lils

An emotional wreck

But also

Spent a VERY long time this morning

Trying to get me to help him

Compose our relationship story

In text form?

Dorky

What? Why?

Lils

Something about Monty?

I don’t know

As this point I just go along with this sort of thing

I find it’s easier

Als

Ok so I can’t stop crying

People are looking at me with mucho concern

Lily I’m so happy for you

Marly

No Alice!
No more crying!

You promised after the elephant advert debacle this morning!

What is with you at the moment??

 Als

I don’t know

I can’t believe you’re going to be a mummy!

Lils

Me neither

Had a little moment

When we were walking about looking at all the baby bits

And James was just being so James

Chatting away about the baby

Like we’re already this little family

And I thought

You know what?

We can do this

I felt really lucky

Dorky

You two are going to smash it

I know you are

Did you hear back from that firm?

Lils

Yeh

Need to ring them when I get back

Can’t wait for group hugs later

I’m sad now James has gone back up

Marls

No don’t be sad!

Hugs will help

And we’re seeing them all at the weekend!

Als
 I can’t believe the wedding is almost here!

I’m so excited!

Dorky

Me too!

Lils

James is buzzing about it!

I can’t wait

Although not going to lie

A little bit terrified to try on my dress

I’m worried it won’t fit

Dorky

I reckon it’ll be fine

It was last week wasn’t it?

Lils

Yeh

And let’s be honest

The baby bump is still all wobbly atm

Marls

No it’s not!

It’s def firmer!

Als

You do like to touch Lils up

Marls

That I do

Als

It’ll be fine Lils

I tried mine on last night

 And had to proper breathe in to make it do up

Too much bloody cheese

Lils

Cheese is so good though

Dorky

It really is

We should have fondue tonight

Marls

YAS!

Als

Literally so up for that!

Lils

Me too

I’m sad now J’s gone

Fondue is just what the Dr ordered

Als

*Fondue and cuddles

Lily

Umm obviously

The cuddles were a given

Als

Phew!
 Chapter 46

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

James

EVERYONE LISTEN

I need to know your movements

ASAP

As in NOW people

Guys?

GUYS??

When are you going to pay attention to me????

Marlene

We literally got off zoom with you

Like 2 minutes ago

James

So????

Dorcas

So how much attention do you need?

James

ALL OF IT

I cannot state enough

How much of your attention I need

Frank

Please help me

I don’t think I can take much more

 He made me empty my bag

So he could see what I’d packed

James

And thank God I did!

White pants Frank??

For a wedding?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Remus

Wow

James

See Frank?

Remus agrees with me

Remus

No Siriusly

Wow

Sam

What’s wrong with white pants?

James

It’s a wedding Sam

Only the grooms can wear white

Alice

Yeh

I think that ship has sailed…

Sirius

Rude

I will be a vision in white

Virginal if you will

Pete

HAHAHAHAHA

Lily

The most hilar

James

You can’t talk!

Preggo face

Remus

James!

James

What?

Tell me it isn’t true

Marlene

Oh hell no

Pete

You apologise right now

James

No

Sirius

Do it Prongs

Or I’ll walk myself down the aisle

James

Fine

Sorry

Lily

Oh Frankadoodle

I feel for you

How much coffee has he had?

Frank

I don’t even know anymore

He was up all night

I don’t even know what he was doing!

James

Admin!

Someone’s gotta do it!

I don’t see any of you giving a fuck!

It’s almost as thought you WANT this wedding to be a shit show

Remus

I think someone needs a timeout

Remus has removed James from the chat

Dorcas

Ahhh

Much better!

Sirius

Hmmm yes Daddy

You show him

Love it when you go all authoritative

 Alice

We have agreed to let that horrific comment go

But only because

YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW

Sirius

Hell yeh I am!

Sam

On a scale of 1-10

How excited are you?

Remus

Solid 10

Lily

Yes Rem!

I’m so excited

And Baby Potter too

Sirius

That’s all I really care about really

Remus

Same

Pete

Same

Alice

Same
 Marlene

Same

Dorcas

Same

Lily

How’s Dad Frank?

Frank

What?

Um

I’m ok?

Remus

She means James mate

Frank

Oh

Hahahaah!

Yeh

He’s not good

I think it’s finally happened

And he’s gone mad

Sirius

It was only a matter of time

Tell him we’ll be over in 30

Marlene

And then it’s go time!

We’re gonna leave in about an hour

Should be at the house about 3ish

Remus
Fab

Same as us I think

Don’t worry Frank

You get the night off tonight

J’s staying at Mum and Da’s with me

Frank

Oh thank God

Lily

We should probs all get going!

Can’t wait to see you all Edin crew later!

Dorcas

Me neither

Drive safe!

Sirius

You too!

------------------------------

The house the Potter’s had rented was a typical Welsh farmhouse; all stone walls and slate tiles.
The interior was a maze of corridors that sprawled off in all directions with enough rooms to sleep
them all and more. They’d spent the evening together, the Lupins, Potters and everyone else all
piled into the large kitchen, laughing and joking and eating together. It had been Sirius’ idea to
stay together, although Remus has insisted on tradition and they would be sleeping apart, Remus
heading back to his childhood home with James. They’d just finished clearing up when James, who
had popped off to make a phone call appeared,

‘Rem, Pa’s in the study at the end of hallway, says he wants a word with you.’

‘Oh ok,’ Remus wiped his hands on a tea towel, and clasped them briefly around Sirius’ hips,
giving him a squeeze, ‘Give me a sec.’

He left the kitchen and walked down the hallway to the far door. It was closed, which struck
Remus as odd but he knocked all the same.
‘Come in.’

Remus pushed the door open to find Monty, who was sitting behind a large wooden desk, a pipe
sticking out the corner of his mouth.

‘Ahh, young Remus. Yes, I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Okaaaay,’ Remus said bemused, ‘James said you wanted me?’

‘Yes!’ Monty slapped both hands down hard on the desk, making Remus jump, ‘Come and join me
for a smoke.’

‘What?’ Remus said, thoroughly disconcerted, ‘Erm, I don’t smoke.’

‘Good, good,’ Monty said, standing up and walking around the edge of the desk and clapping
Remus on the back and then leading him over to the brown chesterfield in the corner of the room,
gesturing for him to sit down. Remus did, feeling on edge.

‘Here,’ Monty said, rooting around in his pocket and pulling out another pipe, ‘Only the best stuff
for my future son-in-law,’ and he forced the pipe into Remus’ hand. It was empty.

‘Monty, are you ok?’ Remus asked, as Monty sucked nosily on his own, also empty Remus now
noticed, pipe.

‘Hmm? Yes, yes,’ Monty said distractedly, ‘Now Lupin m’lad. I’ve asked you here this evening,
go on have a puff,’ he waited until Remus put the pipe in his mouth and sucked, feeling like an
idiot, ‘Yes, as I was saying, I’ve asked you here this evening for a little chat man to man.’

‘Okay?’

‘You are wanting to marry my son Sirius tomorrow, is that correct?’

‘Erm, yes?’

‘Yes? Yes? You don’t sound very sure of yourself lad!’

‘What the fuck is happening,’ Remus muttered, looking around in the hope that someone else
would be there as witness, ‘Yes, obviously I want to marry Sirius tomorrow.’

‘Well I’m pleased to hear it. Although less of the language. I will not have my only son
dishonoured by someone who uses curse words with such disregard for his elders.’

‘Sirius isn’t your only son.’ Remus said, totally confused and Monty raised his eyebrows
disapprovingly.

‘Right. Sorry Monty.’

‘Ahh, you’re forgiven,’ Monty sat down on the sofa and put a hand on Remus’ knee, ‘Tis the
nerves I expect. Now, where were we? Ah yes, the thing is young Lupin, in order for you to earn
my approval of this marriage there are a few things I expect of you.’

‘Ahh,’ Remus said, things suddenly falling into place, ‘This is the talk isn’t it?’

Monty didn’t answer, just barrelled on loudly, ‘If you want Sirius’ future, you forget his past.’
Remus nodded, ‘If you want to get with him, you better make it fast. Now don’t go wasting his
precious time, if you get your act together you will be just fine.’

‘Monty-‘

‘I’ll tell you what I want. What I really, really want,’

‘Monty-‘

‘So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.’

‘Are you really quoting Spice Girls right now?’

‘I want to ha, I want to ha, I want to ha, I want to ha. I want to really, really, really, want to…’

Remus sighed, ‘Zigazig ah.’

‘Good lad,’ Monty grinned toothily at him, ‘You can go.’

‘Good Christ,’ Remus muttered and stood up, passing Monty back the pipe, ‘Are you coming back
to the kitchen?’

‘Oh no,’ Monty said, sauntering back over to the desk, ‘I’ve got much correspondence to get
through,’ he sat down and snatched up a biro and began to write an imaginary letter. He looked up
one more at Remus, ‘You’re dismissed.’

Remus threw him one last disbelieving look and then turned and walked quickly out the door and
back along the hallway to the kitchen.
‘You alright Moony?’ James asked as Remus entered, ‘What did Dad want?’ he kicked out a seat
for Remus who sat down.

‘I literally couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to Prongs.’

------------------------------

‘You needed me?’ Sirius said, panting slightly having run up the stairs to Lyall and Hope’s
bedroom.

‘Oh good ‘Rus, you came,’ Lyall said. He was sitting on the end of the bed and patted the spot
next to him and Sirius walked over and sat down, leaning his head on Lyall’s shoulder.

‘Sorry, have you been waiting? I’ve got rubbish signal.’

‘No matter. How’re you feeling?’

‘So excited,’ Sirius smiled and Lyall wrapped an arm round him,

‘Me too son. But there are a couple of things I wanted to go over with you before, you know,’ he
lowered his voice, ‘The big night tomorrow.’

Sirius narrowed his eyes, ‘I already don’t like where this is going.’ Lyall ignored him,

‘Now I’m sure you have lots of questions but I want you to know that it’s totally natural to feel
nervous and with that in mind I’ve brought a long a few aides tonight in order to help you feel
more at ease when the time comes.’ He reached down and pulled out a bag from under the bed
with a flourish.

‘Oh no,’ Sirius groaned.

‘Oh yes!’ Lyall exclaimed and tipped the bag upside down; a large, wonky parsnip, some pink
glitter gel and a box of extra large condoms fell out on to the bed. ‘Sorry about the parsnip, they
didn’t have any courgettes, out of season you see.’ He picked up the parsnip and gripped it firmly,
‘The first thing you need to know about the penis is it’s not always about the length. Take this
parsnip for example. A girthy old root, not to be taken lightly-‘

‘Nope! I’m out,’ Sirius said loudly, walking towards to door.

‘But’ Rus, this is important! If you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia, and die!’

‘I can’t hear you,’ Sirius sing songed as he carried on walked, Lyall now jogging up behind him
brandishing the parsnip,

‘Rus! ‘Rus!’ Lyall stopped chasing him but Sirius kept on walking, disappearing round the corner
but hearing Lyall’s final shout of, ‘Sock that wang, before you bang!’

------------------------------

A Good Pear

Sirius

I need a drink

Alice
 Ready and waiting babe

Sirius

Thank fuck

------------------------------

PB to my J

Moons

You looked beautiful today

Pads

OMG shut up

Legit was wearing trackies

Your hoodie

My hair all greasy

My bulky glasses

Moons

=fucking gorgeous

I can’t get enough of you

Pads

I can’t believe this time tomorrow

We’ll be married

Moons

I know

I miss you

Pads

I miss you too

Don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight

I can never sleep if you’re not with me

Moons

Me neither

There’s so much going through my head too

 Pads

But just think

From tomorrow

That’s it

You can’t get rid of me now Re

You and me forever

Together forever

You’ve fallen asleep haven’t you?

Night Moons

I love you

I can’t wait to become Mr Lupin tomorrow

------------------------------

Alternate Group Chat

James added Lily, Pete, Frank, Sam, Alice, Marlene and Dorcas to the group

Marlene

Umm what?

Lily

Why is this back??

Alice

Thanks

I hate it

Dorcas

I thought we yeeted this into the ether?

 Pete

Siriusly though

Why?

James

It’s Remus

He’s gone
 Chapter 47

Alternate Group Chat

James

He’s gone

Alice

What the fuck do you mean gone?!!

James

As in he’s not here!

Woke up about 5

Rolled over for a cuddle

And there was a huge Remus sized hole!!

Dorcas

Fuck

Has he maybe gone for a run or something??

Pete

Hahahaahahahaa

Oh god

Dorcas

??

I’m being serious

Pete

Course he hasn’t gone for a run!

Fucking hell

I can’t believe this is happening

Lily

He can’t have gone far!

Is the car still there??

James

No

Lily

Shit

Frank

And he’s definitely not here?

Have we looked properly?

And you’ve called him?

Pete

I’ve just been in to Sirius

Def no Remus in there

Anyway

His car is def not here

I’ve just been out to check

And I’ve called about a billion times now

It just goes to voicemail

Alice

Did you tell Sirius??

Pete

Course I didn’t!!

I feel sick

Marlene

Alice is actually being sick

Frank can you come to my room a sec

Frank

Yup

Coming now

Dorcas
 This is going to obliterate Sirius

Oh God

Sam

Ok

Here’s what we do

We meet in the kitchen

And then we split

We think of all the places he might have gone

And we go looking

No-one tells Sirius anything

Marlene

The parents??

James

Lyall already knows

He’s gone out to look for him

We don’t tell the mums

Or Pa

I’m scared he might punch Rem in the face

Alice

I’m going to punch ‘Rem’ in the face!

How could he do this?

Lily

I think we need to chill

We don’t actually know he’s done anything at all

There may well be a perfectly good explanation for this

It’s only 7:30 in the morning

He could be out

I don’t know
 Getting a newspaper or something

James

I really bloody hope so

Ok

I’m going to stay here

In case he comes back

I’ll keep ringing

Keep me updated

Marlene

We will

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jam

Moony please answer!

I don’t know what’s caused this

But please!
You can talk to me

About anything

Just don’t do this to Padfoot

I still don’t really believe you would

You love him so much

He’s your world

And he loves you

We all do

------------------------------

Cereal Killer

Wormy

Moony where are you?

I’m freaking the fuck out!

There is no way you’d do this

Like

I literally refuse to believe it

But you’re not at home

And you’re not answering anyone

And now I’m getting worried

Call me

You can talk to me about anything

No judgement

We love you

Sirius loves you

------------------------------

Not fast, just furious

Marls

FFS Rem!

Out of everyone

I never had you down to pull a stunt like this

Where are you??

Look

I don’t know why you’re suddenly freaking out

But if it’s the whole ‘I’m not good enough for him’ shit of old

Then you really need to get over yourself

You know Sirius loves you

You are the only one he’s ever wanted

And that’s not even an exaggeration

You need to come back so we can talk some sense into you
 ------------------------------

Private Message

Alice

I swear to GOD Remus

I don’t have the emotional capacity for this shit

I’m tired

And bloated

and so incredibly hormonal

If you don’t come the fuck back

I am going to find you

And then I’m going to EAT you

Don’t do this to him!

Don’t do think to yourself!

You’re the perfect match

The stars and the moon

I have NEVER seen two people more in love than you guys

And we’re all here for you

Talk to us!

Remus I love you!

------------------------------

Private Message

Lily

Oh Remus

I know it’s scary

And there’s a lot of pressure on you today

But please come back

I’m sorry if everyone hyped you up too much yesterday

And no doubt James was too excited last night

But that’s just because we can’t wait to celebrate this day with you

You are Sirius

You’re soulmates

You’re meant to be together

And you know that

It’ll be alright Rem

We love you

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Lily

We need to make a decision

We’re lucky that Sirius has been asleep for so long

Dorcas

I know

What do we do?

James

We have to tell him

It’s nearly 9

Pete

Fuck

I can’t James

It’s going to crush him

James

Al do you think you can?

You’re closest to him

Marlene
 Yeh

Alice definitely can’t

She’s already hysterical

She’s in with Dorky and me atm

James

Shit

Oh God

I’m going to have to come up and do it

Which means Hope is going to have to know

Dorcas

I thought the Hope was coming over here

To get her hair done with us?

James

Yeh but not until 11

That’s too late

Padfoot is going to know something’s up as soon as he wakes up

Lily

You need to stay there J

With L & H

I can do it?

Although I definitely will cry

Frank

I’ll do it

I’m a bit more removed from it aren’t I

Although no fucking idea what I’m going to say

James

Frank mate

Thank you
Although you aren’t removed from it

Don’t say that

Frank

Ah you know what I mean

Shall I go now?

Marlene

You better had

Good luck

Shall we all go to Pam’s room

Bring S there afterwards if he wants company

Pete

He’ll probs just want to be left alone

And then we’ll have to deal with the parents etc

Sam

This is so sad

I’m so sad

For both of them

------------------------------

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Frank

I’ve found Remus

Fucking bastard

Remus

Frank we’re so sorry!

Sirius

Yeh

I’m really not

Frank

I bet you’re not!

The noises you were making

They weren’t even human!

Oh God

I need my memory wiped

Alice

Remus!

You absolute FUCK

Where have you been??

James

Moony!

Where are you??

This has been the WORST morning of my life!

Lily

Oh Rem thank God!

We’ve been so worried about you!

Marlene

Remus motherfucking Lupin

I swear I am going to END you

Pete

This morning has been HELL

What the fuck Moony??

Remus

Woah!

What’s with all the Remus hate!

It’s my wedding day!

 Dorcas

Where have you been????

Frank

He’s been railing his boyfriend that’s where!

Which I was given an UNWANTED first row seat to!

Oh God

The image of your pasty white arse

Seared into my brain until the end of time

And Sirius

Just bent over the bed

THEY HADN’T EVEN TAKEN THEIR TROUSERS OFF PROPERLY

Remus

Well it was a last minute thing wasn’t it

I was on my way out

Pete

I’m so confused

James

Saaaaame

Not gonna lie

I’m actually having a little cry on my own in your room Moony

I thought you’d gone!

Remus

Where would I have gone?

James

I don’t know!

I thought you’d bailed

Sirius
Hey!

My Remusaur would never bail on me!

Remus

Exactly

Sam

Wait

So you’re here Remus?

As in in the house?

Remus

Yeh

I have been all night

Well since about 1am

Alice

Pete you said you’d checked the room!!

Pete

I did!

You definitely weren’t there!

Sirius

When did you come in?

Pete

About 6ish?

Remus

Oh I was in the shower then

I woke up all itchy

 I was covered in

Dorcas

YES YES

I think we get it

Bloody hell boys

I don’t even know what to say

James

NEXT TIME ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE YOU ABSOLUTE BELLEND

Remus

I was asleep!

I had a very long and tiring night

Sirius

Hell yeh you did

You gorgeous specimen

James

You need to come home right now

We have wedding things to do!

Remus

I’m coming I’m coming

Frank

That’s what he said

Marlene

I can’t believe you’ve corrupted Frank like this

Lily

Rem how did you get here?

 The car isn’t here

That’s why we thought you’d disappeared

Remus

Erm

The car is here?

Pete

No it’s not!

I made everyone check!

Your car is definitely not here

Remus

Yeh

My car isn’t

But James’ is

Because we came down in James’

Remember?

James

Oh yeh

Shit

I’d forgotten about that

My bad

Alice

FFS JAMES!!

James

In my defence

Not one of you realised my car was there!

Pete

That’s because we were all frantically looking for Remus

Because you told us he’d done a runner!

Remus

Yeh about that

I have decided that I very offended

That you think I’d to that

Although I do appreciate all the messages

Telling me you love me

I’ve only just read them…

Sam

Good LORD this chat is a chaotic mess

------------------------------

Wolfbucks

Jam

What are you doing?

What are you doing????

Rem

Really?

A double text?

Jam

You think I care about a double text?

Fuck you

I’ll quadruple text you

Buzz buzz

It’s me again bitch

Rem

I’ll be home in 20

I’ve just left Pads in bed

I’m literally getting in the car

Jam

Tell Padfoot I say hi

Rem

He says hi back

Jam

I KNEW IT

You’re not literally getting in the car

Get out of Padfoot’s bed

Rem

Bugger

James

You have the rest of your lives to fuck

Get home

We’ve got face packs to do

And then manicures

NOW REMUS

Or I swear to God I will CANCEL this wedding

Rem

Bloody hell

And we weren't fucking

We were snuggling

James

REMUS!
 Chapter 48
Chapter Notes

It's done! Sorry it took me so long. I hope it all works and the formatting makes sense
etc. Hit me up if not so I can change it!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

'Right!' James turned Sirius to face him and clapped his two hands on his shoulders, 'You ready?'

'Yes! No! Oh God, I don't know! I'm so excited. James, I'm about to marry Remus fucking Lupin!
Like how is this my life? I can't actually believe it.'

James laughed and then grabbed Sirius' hand to stop it's insistent tapping against his upper thigh. 'I
know, although I can believe it. I saw this coming that very first morning, in the kitchen.'

Sirius beamed at him and then went to run the fingers of his free hand through his hair, dislodging
a large hair pin which caused the perfectly coiffured bun to lean slightly to one side.

'Oh for fucks sake Padfoot!' James said, grabbing up the walkie talkie that was clipped to the
waistband of his suit trousers and bringing it up to his mouth,

'Razzle, this is Dazzle, do you read me? Over!'

There was a pause and then Pete's voice crackled through, 'What is it now Prongs?' he asked flatly,
'We only have a couple of minutes until show time.'

James said nothing, just clicked the button once more and cleared his throat loudly. There was an
audible sigh on the other end,

'Reading you loud and clear Dazzle.'

James coughed.

'Oh good Christ, OVER.'

‘Razzle this is Dazzle requiring assistance from Giggles in sideroom B. Over.’

‘Which one is Giggles again? Over.’

‘Alice.’ Both James and Sirius said into speaker.

‘Ok, I think she’s with, no, get off Moony! Marlene do som-‘

‘Hi Pads!’

‘Re!’ Sirius snatched the walkie talkie from James, ‘What ya doing?’

‘Oh you know,’ Remus replied breezily and you could hear the smile in his voice, ‘About to marry
my perfect man. How about you?’
‘NO!’ James seized the little black box out of Sirius’ hands, ‘Bad. Not for Sirius’! Moony, give it
back to Wormtail. We need Alice in here stat!’

‘Why? What’s the matter – ow!’ There was a moment of muffled crackling and broken speech and
then Pete’s voice sounded, slightly of breath.

‘Sorry, Moony was holding it above his head, like a dick,’

‘Hey!’ You could hear Remus in the background.

‘LIKE A DICK. Anyway, Marlene’s gone to get Alice. You have to be super quick though,
everyone’s lined up ready.’

‘I know!’ James said as Alice barrelled into the room, her pale pink silk and lace dress sweeping
across the floor, ‘See you on the other side Wormtail!’

‘Over and out!’

‘I knew it would be the hair!’ Alice huffed, shoving Sirius down on to a chair and tugging his head
back. ‘We were all lined up ready! Right,’ she pulled carefully at the hair pin, adjusting it slightly
and then smoothed her hands over the top of his head, ‘That’s fixed. Don’t fucking touch it!’

Sirius held his hands up and got to his feet, ‘I won’t, cheers love.’ And he pulled her into a hug.

Alice’s eyes filled with tears and she pushed him back, flapping her hands at him, ‘No! You can’t
make me cry, it took that poor woman ages to get the wings right on this eye liner and I’ve already
cried it off once.’

Both Sirius and James laughed and there was a knock on the door as Monty stuck his head round.

‘Right son,’ he looked at Sirius, face overflowing with pride, ‘You ready?’

Sirius took a deep breath, ‘Yep.’

‘Then let’s get you to your man!’

James offered an arm, which Sirius took and together they made their way out the door, Alice and
Monty following behind.

------------------------------

The music swelled and Remus’ heart sped up a beat. From the doorway he could see into the
barn’s great hall, rows of chairs laid out, each tied with sprigs of sage, adorned with pale pink
roses. The room was filled with a low murmur, several people now looking round as Pachelbel’s
Canon in D filled the space. A moment later and Marlene and Dorcas appeared in his line of sight,
having walked down the central aisle from the main entrance. They both looked beautiful and it
didn’t escape Remus’ notice that Marlene was wearing Dorcas’ Grandmother’s earrings.

‘They look very beautiful,’ Hope said in a low voice and Remus nodded in agreement, catching
sight of Alice and Frank, who were following on behind, Frank’s hand on Alice’s lower back and
both beaming. They were soon followed by Lily and Monty, Lily’s baby bump just visible and
Monty looking happier than Remus had ever seen him and then finally Pete and Effie.

Remus let his eyes cross to the opposite side of the large room, and there shadowed in the stone
archway that mirrored his own he could see two figures, waiting. Pulling his gaze back to the
middle of the room, Remus watched as Pete kissed Effie on the cheek and helped her into her seat
and then walked forwards, stopping in front of the flower strewn table.

‘Are you ready Rem?’ Lyall asked and Remus closed his eyes, just for a second.

‘I’m ready.’

And with Hope on his left, and Lyall, who was already crying, on his right, they began a slow walk
across the room. He could see Sirius on James' arm, coming closer and closer from the other side
and for a horrible moment Remus thought he was going to burst into tears; Sirius’ smile was
blinding and Remus wasn’t sure he had ever loved him more.

Both parties stopped as they reached the middle and Remus turned to look at his parents and
smiled, his bottom lip wobbling precariously.

‘I don’t know what I did to deserve parents like you,’ he said as Lyall sobbed harder, ‘But I swear I
will spend my life making you proud. I love you both so much. Thank you for letting me be who I
am.’

‘Oh Remus,’ Hope said, her eyes overflowing with love, ‘It has been our privilege to have you as a
son. You, and now Sirius, you are our pride and joy. You are everything. Although, better give
your Da a hug,’ she gestured to her husband, ‘He’s having a bit of a moment.’

Remus laughed, ‘You really are the coolest mum, aren’t you?’ And he bent down to give her a hug
and then watched her take her seat.

He turned and looked at his father a moment. ‘Oh come here Da!’ he said, almost exasperated and
pulled him in.

‘My baby boy is getting married!’

‘I know,’ Remus said, patting him on the back, ‘I know.’

‘I’m so proud of you,’ Lyall said, wiping his eyes, ‘I couldn’t have asked for a better son.’

‘Oh Da,’ Remus said, blinking hard, ‘It’s me who couldn’t have asked for a better father.’

‘Come on old boy,’ Monty said, appearing behind Lyall, ‘Let’s get you sat down shall we?’

Lyall gave Remus one last hug and allowed Monty to steer him into a chair in between Hope and
himself.

There was another moment of shuffling around. James, who had been embracing Sirius slipped
behind Pete to take his place as Remus’ Best Man and Pete took his position and then Remus
finally, finally came face to face with Sirius. He looked at him, and let out a low whistle.

‘Pads,’ he tipped his head down to whisper in Sirius’ ear, ‘I hate to tell you this but,’ he wound an
arm around his waist, ‘You’ve forgotten to put your shirt on.’

Sirius laughed and leaned into Remus, jostling him a little with his shoulder. ‘Mmm hmm. What
do you think?

‘I mean, I’d very much like to show you what I think but I don’t think it’d go down very well with
the rest of the congregation. You look fucking incredible.’ There was a loud cough and both boys’
heads whipped round, ‘Oops, sorry Auntie Joan.’
Auntie Joan gave them a stern look and then her face split into a smile. She winked at them both
and then lifted her head and began.

Hello everybody, and on behalf of Remus and Sirius, welcome! My name is Joan, although many of
you here will recognise me as Remus’ and now Sirius’ Auntie Joan and I cannot tell you how
proud I am to be standing up here alongside these two men. It is truly an honour and one of my
life’s greatest privileges to have been entrusted with this task. Thank you, Remus, Sirius for having
that faith in me.

She looked at Remus and then Sirius and smiled and then towards her brother whose tears had not
abated and he gave her a short nod.

Now, before we get too far into things, I would like for us all to take a moment to remember a
couple of very important people that are not with us today. The first is Sirius’ brother, Regulus.

Sirius looked up in surprise and then over at James, who shrugged but then he felt Remus’ hand
reaching for his own. He took it and Remus gave it a reassuring squeeze, brushing a thumb gently
against his.

Strained relationships, especially those that are through no fault of your own, are especially hard
to deal with. Sirius, it takes a particular type of person to be able to weather the storm your family
have put you through. I know you loved your brother, as much as you were allowed to, and I am
sure he would be proud to see you standing here today. Standing up for your beliefs, standing up
with your true family and most importantly standing up here, for love.

Sirius didn’t say anything, just bit his bottom lip as he blinked away tears and then mouthed,
‘Thank you,’ gripping Remus’ hand tighter.

‘You’re welcome,’ Auntie Joan mouthed back and reached out to pat him on the cheek,
surreptitiously brushing away a stray tear.

The second person, and Lyall, Remus’ father and I have had many tearful conversations deciding
how best to honour her today, is Remus’ late sister, Cathedra. Remus, I know it’s hard to look past
the grief when you think of her and that you’ve felt all these years that you need to be strong for
your dear mother and father but remember now that you have Sirius too. Lean on him when you
need to and have the grace to allow him to help you, and you him. Cathedra may not be with us
here in person today, and we can only dream of what she would have been like but Remus, Sirius,
because of the good hearts and kindness towards others that is instilled in you both, I know that
she is here in every way. She’s always with you, and always will be.

‘I know,’ Remus whispered, tears running steadily down his cheeks, ‘I miss her.’

‘As do I, Remus John,’ Auntie Joan said, her eyes bright, ‘She’d be so proud of you.’ Remus
nodded, squeezing Sirius’ hand rhythmically.

Sirius laid his head on Remus’ shoulder, ‘Do you want a hug?’

‘I really do.’ Remus said, and he turned to bury himself in Sirius’ neck. They stayed still for a
moment, Sirius running a solid hand up Remus’ back and then back down again while several
members of the congregation wiped away their own tears. ‘I’m good,’ Remus said, coming up for
air and clearing his throat, ‘Come on Auntie Joan, let’s get to the good shit.’

‘Remus!’

‘Sorry, sorry.’
Auntie Joan shook her head fondly.

But now onto these two wonderful boys standing in front of me. Today your relationship moves
into a new stage. A relationship that you have worked at and will have to work hard to keep strong.
And with this in mind I took the liberty of asking your Best Men, James and Peter who have been
there from the very beginning, their thoughts.

They both agreed, without argument that most of all your relationship represents balance, patience
and difference. Balance ; what Remus takes care of, Remus does well, and what Sirius takes care
of, Sirius does well. You work well as a team, and pick up for each other, no questions asked. The
second, patience; you each have the ability to be calm when the other gets agitated, and thereby
help calm the other down. You can read each other like an open book and the way you support
each other is a most valuable attribute. Make sure not to discredit it, few couples are lucky enough
to have this. And finally difference; your differences complement each other. Cherish this. Allow
yourselves to grow from these differences.

So, from a very basic standpoint, who is the person anyone wants to marry? I think we’d all say
our best friend, and I think I’ve got this term right, with benefits? But it’s really more than that.
Best friends can be intimate, but not want to spend the rest of their lives together. The person you
marry, is the one that you want to see before you go to sleep and as soon as you wake up. And so
Sirius, Remus, you truly are each other’s best friend, the one you want to fall asleep next to, and
see when you wake up.

Now… Here we go… are you ready?

Both Sirius and Remus nodded and James and Pete took a step forward, James planting a solid
palm on Remus’ shoulder and Pete on Sirius’.

Remus, you have chosen Sirius to be your husband. Will you love and respect him? Will you be
honest with him always? Will you stand by him through whatever may come?

‘Say yes!’ James stage whispered in Remus’ ear and everyone laughed, Remus loudest of all as he
looked at Sirius, eyes sparkling.

‘I will.’

‘Excellent news,’ Auntie Joan smiled at him then turned to Sirius.

Sirius, you have chosen Remus to be your husband. Will you love and respect him? Will you be
honest with him always? Will you stand by him through whatever may come?

Sirius looked at Remus, his smile unmatched,

‘I will.’

Pete clapped him on back with a quiet, ‘Get in Padfoot,’ and Auntie Joan shot him a wink and then
turned to face the congregation.

Now in the spirit of joy and affirmation and the significance that all of you play, I want to ask YOU
a question. Do you, the families and friends of Sirius and Remus give them your blessing and
support this day, promising to support THEM through what life may bring to them as a married
couple. If so, answer, ‘We do.’

The resounding I DO from the congregation was almost loud enough, but not quite, to drown out
Lyall’s sobs.
‘Oh little brother,’ Auntie Joan tutted.

‘I can’t help it,’ Lyall choked back, ‘My boys!’

‘Well take a deep breath then, because Remus and Sirius now we come to your vows. They have
chosen to write their own vows and I believe Sirius is to go first?’

Sirius nodded, a nervous energy radiating off him as Pete took a step back and retrieved a small,
portable speaker from underneath the table and James popped a chair just behind where Remus was
standing.

‘Erm, what?’ Remus started but James shushed him as Sirius turned to look at everyone.

‘Right,’ Sirius rolled his shoulders, ‘I’m going to level with you all. This is slightly not safe for
work but it is Auntie Joan approved so,’ he took a step to the side, ‘Dad and Da, if you could
please?’

Remus watched bemused as Lyall and Monty rose from their seats and took up position on either
side of Sirius who took a deep breath.

‘Hit it Wormtail.’ He looked directly at Remus as the opening bars of Justin Timberlake’s Sexy
Back echoed through the barn and Lyall and Monty began popping their hips, both tipping their top
hats jauntily to one side.

Remus laughed, ‘Pads, what are you do-‘ he trailed off as Sirius began to sing, his stomach
swooping.

You’re bringing sexy back

‘YES!’ Lily, Marlene, Dorcas and Alice shouted in unison as Sirius began to move his hips in
perfect time with the bass, shoulders following.

When I’m around you I don’t know how to act

‘Fuck me,’ Remus said to no-one in particular, unable to take his eyes off Sirius, even for a
moment as he slowly began to undo the buttons off his jacket and ran a hand up his bare chest.

You’re just so special, you’ve always got my back

‘Umm James,’ Remus almost whined, ‘Am I dead?’ He fleetingly heard James’ laugh in reply but
was too busy watching as Sirius continued undulating his hips to the beat and then reach up to pull
the large pin out his bunned hair, allowing it to spill down over his shoulders. Remus groaned.

Being around you is like an aphrodisiac

Sirius looked directly at him, raising at eyebrow before dropping low to the floor and then rolling
his body back up. The congregation shrieked their approval and Remus felt his face flush red as
Sirius took a step towards him. Both Monty and Lyall cupped their hands over their mouths and
hollered, ‘Get it Remy boy!’

Remus babe

Remus took a step towards him, to meet him in the middle but Sirius just shook his head and
pressed a hand to his chest and shoved him gently until he fell back onto the chair, breath
whooshing out of him. Remus looked up, wide eyed and Sirius smirked back down at him,
continuing to sing.

You see these vows here? I’d shout them for days

Remus screwed his eyes shut realising what was coming, emotion flooding through him as Sirius
straddled him and placed a tender hand on his cheek.

Sometimes I feel like my body’s aflame

Sirius slid out of Remus’ lap so he was kneeling directly in front of him and arched his back so his
shoulders almost touched the floor and then rose smoothly upwards.

It’s just that no-one makes me feel this way

Everyone began to cheer, several people standing to get a better look as the girls’ began to dance
along, Hope and Effie included. Sirius grinned at the dumbstruck look on Remus’ face and pulled
him up so they were facing one another and took both his hands in his. Lyall and Monty bellowed,
He loves you Remusaur.

The thing is Re

I love you so

You and me

We’re forever see?

‘Oh Sirius,’ Remus said, half laughing, half crying as Sirius held his hands tighter.

To have and to hold

In good times and bad

Til death does part

You have my heart

But still get your sexy on

Sirius winked cheekily as Lyall and Monty kept singing and then released Remus’ hands. Remus
cocked his head to the side and watched as Sirius placed a hand on each shoulder and dropped
down, sliding his hands down Remus’ chest and then coming back up again. Remus tipped his
head back, laughing deliriously as he gripped Sirius’ hips and swayed them both in time with the
music. Sirius nuzzled into his neck just for a second, pressing a kiss to his jaw and then stepped
back once more.

You’re bringing sexy back

Sirius threw his arms around Remus’ neck, looking up at him as Remus gave into temptation and
slid one hand down Sirius’ back and onto his arse.

You don’t realise you have such impact

Remus let his head fall forward onto Sirius’ shoulder, his face hurting from the smile that he could
not temper.

You make up for all the things I lack

Remis shook his head and mumbled something unheard into Sirius’ collar.

It doesn’t take much for you to get me on my back

Remus’ head snapped up letting out a scandalised, ‘Sirius!’ The congregation laughed, cheering
and shouting in glee and Sirius pressed their hips together, just for a split second as Monty and
Lyall, once again chimed in, You’re def in Moose!

Moony mine

Sirius took Remus’ hands again, holding them against his heart.

I just cannot wait for the rest of our lives

He took a step forward so they were pressed together and Remus felt another wave of emotion as
he looked into Sirius’ eyes and saw no trace of hesitation there.

For better for worse until the end of time

Remus put a hand on Sirius’ chin and stole a quick kiss as the damn broke and he felt a hot tear
running down his cheek.

I can’t believe I get to call you mine.

‘Sirius,’ he choked out as Lyall squeezed his shoulder and then looked at Sirius, Say it one last
time!

The thing is Re

I love you so

You and me

We’re forever see?

To have and to hold

In good times and bad

Til death does part

You have my heart

But still get your sexy on

The music continued to play and Sirius stepped back to look at Remus,

‘You know what I want.’

Remus shook his head, grinning wildly as Sirius spun him round and pulled him back against his
him, mouthing at Remus’ neck as several people started up a chant of, ‘Remus! Remus! Remus!’
and Sirius ground his hips against him. Remus let out a huff and then put a hand on each thigh and
dropped to the floor before rolling his back body back up with one arm in the air, making sure to
grind back onto Sirius as a cheer resounded around the barn as the music began to fade.

‘I can’t believe you Sirius Black,’ Remus said and he put a hand on Sirius’ lower back and dipped
him, kissing him soundly. Sirius smiled into the kiss, feeling Remus’ grin in return as he brought
them back upright and pulled back enough so their foreheads were pressed together.

‘In about 5 minutes I’m going to be a Lupin.’ Sirius said, breathing heavily, cheeks pink, ‘And I’d
do anything for you.’

He gave the dads a high five each as they made their way back to their seats and then turned to
Auntie Joan who offered him her fist, which he bumped with a laugh.

‘And now, Remus, would you like to share your vows?’

‘Well,’ Remus said, still sounding slightly disbelieving, ‘I’m really not sure how the hell I’m going
to follow that but I’m going to give it ago.’ He turned to face Sirius fully, ‘Once upon a time, a
beautiful boy wrote me a letter-’

‘I knew it!’ Alice cried out just as Marlene said,

‘Yes! I’ve been trying to get this out of him for ages!’

‘Well,’ Remus flashed them a toothy grin and reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a worn
envelope.

Sirius recognised the writing on the front immediately, ‘You kept it?’

Remus leant forward and kissed him softly, just for a moment, ‘Of course I kept it and I think it’s
about time I answered it.’ and he opened the envelope, pulling out two sheets of paper, one of
which he tucked safely back inside his pocket.

He took a deep breath, already a little shaky and looked directly at Sirius:

Dear Sirius,

The contents of this letter are long overdue, but you know me, I’ve never been good at talking
about my emotions. A really grand over the top gesture isn’t my style so perhaps a letter is the
next best thing, you can’t hide behind the bravado of it all. Writing this really did help put things
into perspective and really, it’s never been more imperative that I do so.

I’ve realised that denying yourself your love for another is in essence hurting yourself because
they are a part of you. And that’s exactly how I feel about you. I love you. I have loved you since
the day we met. Not I fancied you, or I like liked you or even I wouldn’t have minded getting a leg
over (although I definitely wouldn’t have been adverse to getting my leg over you, or your leg over
me, I would have gone with whatever worked for you, but that’s getting off topic, sorry.) I loved
you and that’s never changed. I’m so far gone for you that on some days I think I might actually
self-combust.

And therein lies the problem; some days I can’t get anything done because all I can think about is
you. Your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your legs and, cover your ears mums, your arse. I love you
for the way you make me tea in the morning, the way you try and creep around getting dressed so
you don’t wake me, the way you send me flowers out on the blue on a rainy Thursday, the way you
hold my hand when we go on midnight runs to little Tesco because I really want a milky way, the
way you hold me when I’m having a bad day and all I need is you. The thing is Sirius, I honestly
don’t know what I’d do without you, who I’d be without you. I think I’d be nothing.
 You’re the only person in the whole world that can lift my spirits when I’m sad by giving me one,
single hug. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I
go to sleep, and every second in between and no matter what I’m occupied with, whatever
nonsense I’m thinking up for that bloody thesis, whatever crazy recipe I’m getting stuck into, even
when I’m getting thoroughly invested in the my latest craze (it’s pressing flowers by the way – but
you already know that!) I will always have that little compartment tucked safely away in my mind
that is occupied by you. The idea of not being with you for the rest of my life, Sirius, it makes me
feel physically sick. I don’t know what happened to make me so lucky that you could fall in love
with me but I’m learning not to question it. Let me tell you again. I love you.

You’ve always been special; the first time I met you you were standing in that grotty kitchen and I
was trying so hard to act cool, I wanted to impress these new people I was going to be sharing my
life with. Then later on that night you knocked on my door, you’d heard me crying, and I let you in
and in that instant my life changed forever. You were just being Sirius but as you closed my door
that night I though, ‘Wow.’ I wish now that I’d known how to address what looking back was
clearly romantic feelings for you but I didn’t know how to process them, I’d fallen so hard and so
fast but my God did I love you.

There’s been lots of things over the past two years that have made me fall for you more and more
but what really did it was that night, when you slipped that navy blue jumper over you head and let
the sleeves fall over your hands. I realise now it was love right then and there.

You once told me that you weren’t entirely sure what you were hoping to achieve with a letter you
wrote. I know what I hope to achieve with this. I choose you Sirius, to be my husband. To have
and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in
health, in joy and sorrow, to love and to cherish and to be faithful to you alone. I have never met a
better person than you and I can’t fathom that I ever will. I still can’t believe you are mine, that I
am yours and I promise that if you let me, I will love you for the rest of our lives and beyond.

Forever yours,

Remus

‘Oh Re,’ Sirius said, leaning forward to rest his forehead on the hinge of Remus’ jaw, tears
dripping onto the collar of his jacket, ‘I love you too.’

‘I should bloody hope so,’ Remus laughed wetly, bringing his arms around Sirius shoulders and
tugging him closer, ‘Because I’m pretty sure I’ve just married you.’

Chapter End Notes

If you haven't read the rest of the series Remus and Sirius' vows are parallels; when
Sirius wrote Remus a letter telling him he loved him and when Remus sang for Sirius'
birthday - both in Part 1!
Inspiration for the boys wedding outfits from this amazing drawing!
 Chapter 49
Chapter Notes

Ok, before we start I would like to thank All_write_now who essentially wrote this
chapter. I literally couldn't have written this without them, I just filled in around their
wonderful words. They're amazing and I can't recommend enough checking out their
own text fic (which is waaaaay better than this!) Texts, Hugs and Rock & Roll

Thank you also to the lovely, lovely people who took time to beta this for me,
Bethanlovescoffee, rennyzenny, grumposaur (who has the most awesome jumper
collection) and especially my gorgeous, amazing friend elder_millennial_trash whose
writing is as stunning as she is.

Lyall and Monty looked around, their faces bright as they surveyed the scene in front of them.
Everyone, it seemed, was smiling or laughing, dinner had been demolished and glasses were
currently being filled with champagne ready for the toasts.

‘They’ve done a good job, our boys,’ Lyall said, voice gruff as he clapped Monty on the shoulder.

‘They have,’ Monty agreed, pulling his gaze away from James, who was gesturing wildly with one
arm at Frank who was sitting across from him, while the other laid gently on Lily’s stomach.

‘You’ve done a good job there,’ Lyall said, ‘He’ll be a cracking father.’

Monty looked at back at him, his old eyes bright and crinkled at the corners. ‘He will. I worry, but
I know I shouldn’t. Look at all the support they’ve got.’ He took a deep breath, ‘I am very proud,
of both him and Sirius.’

‘As you should be,’ Lyall replied, passing Monty his almost empty wine glass and then snatching
up his own, ‘Bottoms up Monty, it’s time.’

The two men clinked their glasses and then drained them together as Monty caught James’ eye and
nodded once. James got to his feet immediately, grabbing a bottle off the table in front of him and
taking the knife Pete passed him, clinking it several times against the bottle. Slowly the room
quietened and James cleared his throat and said in a booming voice,

‘Esteemed guests, now that we have all been wined and dined, it is with great pleasure that I
introduce our first speakers for the night. Da and Pa if you would please give your audience a
wave.’ Monty and Lyall both raised their hands in a brief wave and Peter whooped.

‘Now, unfortunately no microphones were available. So if you can’t hear The Dads from the back,
the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you aren’t missing anything.’

A wave of laughter swept through the room, increasing in volume when Monty pretended to
scratch his nose with his middle finger and Lyall cupped his hands over his mouth and hollered,
‘RUDE!’ James blew them both a kiss and then sat down, dropping a kiss into Lily’s hair as he
did so.

‘So,’ Monty began, ‘We have realised something about our boys which I am sure you too have
noticed.’

‘No, not that they are clearly made for one another,’ Lyall interrupted and Monty nodded in
agreement,

‘Oh no, that’s a given but another thing that they do have in common is that their names are rather
unusual.’

‘Oops, sorry about that Remus,’ Lyall turned to look at his son, ‘Family traditions I’m afraid-‘

‘And one that I hope is going to continue!’ Hope called out and Remus rolled his eyes, shooting
both his parents a fond look.

‘Indeed,’ Lyall continued, ‘Anyway, I know how it feels, you don’t meet a lot of Lyall’s at least.’

‘I can’t imagine how you feel Lyall old boy, I’ve always found that Fleamont just rolls off the
tongue myself.’ The room erupted into laughter and Monty looked around, beaming, ‘Fortunately
for my other son, James, my lovely wife was the one to name, although I do feel some pride that
unfortunately for him I got to curse him with his middle name. But then, out of no-where, I got
lucky when this quiet, unassuming lad, not that that lasted for long,’ he winked at Sirius, ‘arrived
in my house and suddenly I’m not the only one stuck with the challenge of living up to a unique
name. And with Sirius, I’m sure you’ll all agree that it is a challenge that he has approached with
great aplomb and then some.’

‘Here, here!’ Lyall cheered, raising his glass towards Sirius, who raised his glass back, eyes
already glittering. ‘So now onto Remus. Remus has had many names to live up to. Remus, Remus
John if he was in trouble, just Lupin when he got a bit too big for his boots in school, son, cariad,
Sirius has, of course, let various terms of endearment slip through, gorgeous, handsome and on one
rather alarming occasion, Big Moomin, which I very much hope relates to his height and nothing
else…’

‘Booo!’ Remus shouted, chucking a bread roll at him as everyone roared with laughter and Frank,
whose usually pale cheeks were flushed, bellowed, ‘Get in Re-Moose!’

Lyall chuckled, dodging the roll which flew off somewhere behind him and carried on over the
noise, ‘AND THEN, and then bizarrely, Sirius has alluded to something called,’ he pulled a piece
of paper out his pocket and made a show of unfolding it and studying it carefully, ‘a Remusaurus?’

There was a roar of laughter from along the table; Pete was banging his glass on the table and
Marlene was folded in on herself, Alice bent over her, both of their shoulders visibly shaking.
Remus meanwhile had flushed pink and eventually hid his face in his hands, shaking his head as
Sirius, still snickering, ran his hands through his curls.

Lyall flashed the crowd a pleased grin and waited for the noise to subside before continuing, ‘And
then of course we had finance, which I think was possibly the favourite all round and now, well
now he has the great privilege of being called husband. I have no doubt that he’ll live up to the
name, like he has lived up to every other expectation Hope and I have ever had of him, our
beautiful, intelligent and above all caring boy.’

‘Oh Da,’ Remus’ voice cracking as he looked up at his father and then reached up to grab his
hand. Lyall looked back, squeezing tight and the two of them shared just a second together before
Lyall pulled away, giving a gruff cough.

‘However, I can see lots of beady eyes looking at me, all indignantly wondering the same thing.
Yes, I know I’ve missed a name. And that’s because I have kept it back until last and because this
is the one I find most endearing. Moony. That’s what Remus’ friends call him. His family away
from home.’ Both Monty and Lyall turned to look down the table, ‘James, Pete, Marlene, Alice,
Lily, Dorcas, Frank and Sam you have lit up not just Remus and Sirius’ lives, but ours too. The
unwavering support you have given our boys has been paramount, their relationship has thrived and
prospered in your presence, and the comfort it brings to us as parents, knowing you are there for
them, is unmatched. Friends, family, please be upstanding and raise your glasses to our groomsmen
and bridesmaids!’

‘To the groomsmen and bridesmaids!’ The crowd cheered as both Sirius and Remus got to their
feet, making their way over to the others. There were hugs all round; Lily crying uncontrollably
and blaming the baby as James smiled at her indulgently, his own tears of happiness tracking down
his face and he bundled Sirius up in his arms.

‘Finally,’ Lyall said turning as Remus and Sirius made their way back to their seats, ‘Remus,
Sirius, it goes without saying that your mother and I are over the moon for you both. We love you,
unconditionally, forever and always.’ He picked up his glass looking at the pair of them, ‘To
Remus and Sirius, our sons.’

‘Here here!’ The crowd burst into loud applause. Sirius and Remus, who were now both crying
openly, got up again, Sirius going over to grab at Hope he brought her into a group hug, only
pulling away when the clapping subsided. Lyall not doing anything to hide the tears streaming
down his face gestured to Monty to carry on, and then buried his head in Remus’ shoulder once
more.

‘You’d think Lyall,’ Monty started, ‘After all our zoom rehearsals for this speech, which James
forced upon us, oh yes my friends, we mustn’t upset the spreadsheet-‘

‘To right!’ James shouted, grinning at his dad who grinned back.

‘-we’d be better prepared for all of this. But this is us, and at the end of the day we’re just two old
buggers getting emotional on main. I agree wholeheartedly with everything your Da says Remus,
you’re a smashing young man and I’m so grateful that Sirius found you when he did. It is with no
doubt in my mind that you saved him, if not literally, then at least metaphorically, and Effie and I
can never thank you enough. Remus, Moony, it is an honour to be able to welcome you to our
family, a third son is a blessing which we are thankful for every day.’

‘Oh Monty,’ Remus said, wiping his eyes, as Monty leant across the table to pat Remus’ cheek and
then take his hand as Effie reached across to do the same.

Monty continued, ‘And going back to the name theme… Sirius? As already mentioned, it’s not
your everyday name and he’s done plenty to live up to that. My favourite little anecdote, and one
that he has kept secret from me, was that a couple of years ago, I am told by a reliable source,
Sirius gifted Remus a lovely calendar for Christmas, which upon opening Hope promptly hung in
their kitchen.’

‘Hung being the operative word, Monts,’ Lyall interjected, still red eyed but beaming.

‘Ahh yes, because Sirius took it upon himself to include some less than safe for work shots of his
person in this calendar.’

‘Oh God,’ Sirius groaned, putting his head on the table.

‘Monty speaks the truth,’ Lyall told the crowd, ‘I was the unfortunate, or perhaps I should say
fortunate bystander. Imagine this, there I am, casually making my Christmas coffee, flicking
through the calendar. You should have seen October. It was very, well, let’s just say creative.’

‘Please no,’ Sirius moaned loudly into the tablecloth.

‘Please yes!’ Monty said heartily, ‘Because it just so happens that I’ve got, here in this envelope,’
he stopped to retrieve a large envelope from underneath the table, ‘A copy of-‘

Sirius’ head shot up, ‘No!’ he shrieked, flinging himself across the table towards Monty, who was
mid-way through opening the envelope, and snatching it out of his hands. He tore it open and
pulled out a photograph, everyone roaring with laughter. ‘Oh for fucks sake you two!’ Sirius
spluttered, tipping his head back, still breathing hard as he held up the picture for everyone to see;
Lyall and Monty, both wearing exaggerated grins on their faces and overly embellished crowns
superimposed onto their heads.

‘Yes Dads, you pair of kings!’ Marlene shouted as everyone else lost it once more.

Monty turned to Sirius, looking extremely pleased with himself, ‘Calendars aside, I for one am
sirius-ly proud, sorry, I couldn’t help myself, of everything Sirius has overcome and despite past
traumas he endeavoured to work hard to become the strong, determined and most of all, loving
man. Sirius came into my and his mother Effie’s life through James, and it was immediately clear
that they were brothers long before we brought him home. The aspect of his name I’m sure you’ll
all agree he more than embodies is the star. He is the star of the show, he is the Potters’ missing
puzzle piece and he shines. Along with Remus, you light up our lives, together you are blinding.’

‘Dad,’ Sirius said through the tears that were falling thick and fast,

‘Let me finish son, or I’ll never make it,’ Monty replied voice thick with emotion and Sirius
nodded. ‘It’s always been something of a regret of mine that we never took the steps to make you a
Potter, but as long as you felt like one, then that’s all that mattered and we’ve tried our best to give
you the family you so richly deserve. And now look at you, you’re a Lupin, Remus is your
family. A brand new start with a brand new name. Sirius Orion Lupin, SOL, your new initials,
like the sun. You and Remus, the moons, the stars and now the sun. But truly you were always the
sun and my son, Sirius. I didn’t get to raise you but it has been a privilege to watch your rise.’

‘Re,’ Sirius choked out, as Remus helped him up,

‘I know babe,’ Remus replied, tears streaming as he helped Sirius over to Monty watching as he
collapsed into him, and then Effie too, who scooped Remus up as James barrelled over to join the
family hug. They broke away after a minute and looking around at the people watching there didn’t
seem to be a dry eye in the house.

‘You have the entire cosmos at your feet, your love really was written in the stars,’ Lyall said,
obviously completely overcome with emotion.

‘Or rather,’ Monty turned to Remus, ‘The stars are written on my son-in-law! A tattoo of his
constellation for his birthday Rem? Really? What on earth are you going to do for him on your
first wedding anniversary? Actually,’ he paused, ‘Don’t answer that,’ and everyone laughed, ‘I
don’t quite share James’ blind spot for boundaries.’

‘Hey!’ James exclaimed, shoving his father playfully, ‘Where do you think I get it from?’

Both Sirius and Remus huffed and the crowd heckled as Sirius turned to press a deep kiss to
Remus’ lips before tugging him back down into his seat.
‘There is just one more thing I’d like to add, if I can beg a few more moments of your time,’ Lyall
spoke once more. ‘As some of you know I had a bit of a ladder incident a year or so ago and for a
while I am told it was slightly touch and go. But when I did wake up, I was surrounded by my
family. My beautiful Hopey, Remus, and Sirius - who was holding my hand. That was the
moment I knew that Sirius was family. Son, for everything I later found out you did for us, I’ll
never be able to thank you enough. Just know that as a father, it brings such comfort knowing that
when life throws us these curve balls, as it is wont to do, that Remus has someone to lean on; that’s
all any of us want for our children. Sirius, I hope you realise just how much Hope and I love you.’

‘Oh God,’ Sirius sobbed, gripping Remus’ hand tightly, ‘I think this might be the end,’ and
everyone applauded as Lyall pulled him up into another hug, reaching around to grip Remus’
forearm.

‘Well,’ Monty said with a flourish, ‘We’ve kept you long enough. We thought of ending this
speech with the quote Dom Perignon said upon tasting his first champagne; Come quickly, I am
tasting the stars!’

‘However,’ Lyall said with a smirk, ‘We figured we’d leave that line to Remus and his Star on their
wedding night…’ A howl of laughter went up around the room, several people wolf whistled and
Remus muttered, ‘Oh my God Da,’ under his breath. Sirius’ forehead resting on Remus’ shoulder
was shaking with laughter as Remus loosened the knot on his tie slightly. Sirius stopped him,
pressing a soft, slow kiss to his mouth.

‘Friends,’ Lyall and Monty said together, ‘If we could ask you once more to be upstanding, and to
raise your glasses to the moon and stars, Remus and Sirius, our sons.’

‘To Remus and Sirius,’ the crowd roared and the applause was deafening as Lyall turned Monty
and embraced him warmly.

There was a moments pause as everyone drank their fill and sat down once more.

‘And now, honoured guests,’ Lyall said, ‘Brace yourselves as I introduce our second speakers of
the evening. James and Peter, the Best Men…’
 Chapter 50
Chapter Notes

James is Italics
Peter in Bold

I present to you The Best Men's Speech, in rap form...

See the end of the chapter for more notes

I’mmmm half a best man

And I’m one whole brother

He’s about to let go

Someone console his mother

This is a dangerous scenario

To hand us a mic

You all better believe

We’re gonna mess it up right!

So pals, comrades, friends please settle down

I beg you to listen to us clowns

A best man’s role is abundantly clear

To entertain you but fill the grooms with fear.

But just before all the fun begins

We ask you to please to put aside your grins

The true honour of a best man’s demands

That we share some thoughts about their bands

First a response to the dads kind words

Their compliments about the grooms’ top girls

Their thanks we give and their words we repeat,

Als, Dorks, Marls, Lils, you do look a treat.

And thank you Dads you pair of kings

You really are the best at all manner of things

Our boys wouldn’t be without you at their sides

With your love and support, how you help and guide.

But now moving on to the pair in question

Well really there are too many stories to mention

Best friend by your side, all of the time

Cat dad, hot lover, partner in crime

Its all about sharing, understanding your rants

Not just cooking, cleaning and washing your pants

A life-long decision you’ll never regret

A journey together you’ll never forget

Someone to lean on when down on your luck

for good days cuddle or a bad days

BEEEEP!

So back then I knew this boy who caught Rem’s eye

He didn’t act tough why should he try

That very first morning pouring coffee into a mug

Oh Sirius, I love you, do you want a big hug?

And it was the way Rem moved

That had our Padfoot inspired

He said hell yeah that’s the boy I require!

But did he say anything?

Oh course bloody not

and we had 2 full years of Remus? I’m not looking, no he’s not hot.

But now picture this scene, late one night

Pads asks Moons, fancy getting a bite?

That’s sounds great, Padfoot think he’s in

Hey Pete, James, Moony shouts, we’re going out for dins!

Oblivious Remus makes Sirius sad

Even I hadn’t realised he had it this bad

We tried again but to no avail

Thank goodness for Alice, without her we’d have failed.

Then along comes Marls to read Remus his rights

And our lovely Moony realises that she 100% right

He’s in love with Sirius who would have thunk?

So Rem decides its best to get drunk

And Remus, a bloke who in most cases would withdraw

Instead turns into a dinosaur

Roaring at the birds as a Remusaurus Rex

But neither can complain, I mean it ended in sex.

But they got their shit together

2 years down the line

How it wasn’t sooner, well that was a crime

And they’ve terrorized us since

With various torments

Just don’t ask Dorcas what they get up to in the gents.

But look at them now two idiots in love

Clearly sent to each other from up above

Made for each other and supportive throughout

You’ll be together forever we’ve absolutely no doubts.

And that is that

Our time is done

Thank you for sharing in all of this fun

Our last duty and honour in this part’s host

Is to ask you to stand, as we all share a toast.

They’ll do anything for you – two really true friends

Two absolute heroes whom we can always depend

Having you in our lives, ever thus

 Please raise your glasses to Sirius and Remus!

Chapter End Notes

Mic Drop.

Thank you for all the support and encouragement over the past two(!) years. I have
loved writing every minute of this nonsense, you are all amazing.

aqua-myosotis over and out.

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