RUMORS, By Neil Simon

Adapted by Sofia Hansen

A large, tastefully decorated two storey house, about thirty minutes outside London. It is about eight
thirty p.m. on a warm pleasant evening in May.
Chris Bevans, an attractive but nervous woman, in her mid-thirties, paces anxiously back and forth,
looking at her watch and biting one nail. She is elegantly dressed in a designer gown. She looks at the
phone, then at her watch again. She crosses to the cigarette box, looks around to see if anyone is
watching, takes out a cigarette, then decides against it and puts it back. She paces
Chris: Oh, God! (She decides on the cigarette, takes it out, is about to put it in her mouth)
At that moment an upstairs bedroom door opens. Chris drops the cigarette in the bosom of her dress
Ken Bevans, about forty, smartly dressed in a tuxedo, but looking flushed and excited, comes out to the
rail
Chris: How is he?
Ken: I’m not sure. He’s bleeding like mad.
Chris: Dear God!
Ken: It’s all over the room. I don’t know why people decorate in white... If he doesn’t call in two
minutes, phone the hospital.
Chris: I’m going to have to have a cigarette, Ken.
Ken: After eighteen months, the hell you are. Get a grip on yourself, will you? (He rushes back into
the bedroom and closes the door)
She paces again
Chris: I can’t believe this is happening. (She crosses to the cigarette box, reaches for one) The
phone rings
Oh, Christ! (Calling out) Ken, the phone is ringing.
The phone rings again. She doesn‘t want to answer. She hesitates then rushes to it and
picks it up
Hallo? Dr Dudley? ... Oh, Dr Dudley, I’m so glad it’s you. Your service said you were at
the theatre.
The bedroom door opens and Ken rushes out
Chris: (into the phone) I never would have bothered you but this is an emergency. I’m Chris Bevans.
My husband Ken and I are good friends of Charley Brooks. Dr Dudley, I’m afraid there’s
been an accident... Well, we just arrived at Charley’s house moments ago, and as we were
getting out of the car, we suddenly heard this enormous—
Ken: (Ken rushes out of the bedroom) Don’t say anything
Chris: (covering the phone; to Ken) What?
Ken: Don’t tell him what happened.
Chris: Don’t tell him?
Ken: Just do as I say.
Chris: What about Charley?
Ken: He’s all right. It’s just a powder burn. Don’t tell Dudley about the gunshot. Tell him he
stumbled down the stairs and conked his head. But he’s all right.
Chris: But what about the blood?
Ken: The bullet went through his ear lobe. It’s nothing. I don’t want him to know. Chris: But I
already said we were getting out of the car when we heard an enormous—what? Ken: (coming
down) We heard—
Chris: (into the phone) One moment, Doctor.
Ken: We heard ... we heard ... we heard—an enormous thud!
Chris: Thud?
Ken: When he tripped down the stairs.
Chris: Good. Good. That’s good. (Into the phone) Dr Dudley? I’m sorry. I was just talking to my
husband. Well, we heard this enormous—thud... Thud... T—h—u---d... Yes. It seems
Charley tripped going up the stairs.
 1
Ken: Down! Down the stairs.
Chris: Down the stairs. But he’s all right.
Ken: He’s sitting up in bed. He’ll call him in the morning.
Chris: He’s sitting up in bed. He’ll call him in the morning.
Ken: You!
Chris: You! He’ll call you in the morning.
Ken: You’re terribly sorry you disturbed him.
Chris: I’m terribly sorry I disturbed you.
Ken: But he’s really fine.
Chris: But he’s really fine.
Ken: Thank you and goodbye.
Chris: (to Ken) Where are you going?
Ken: Him! Him! Thank him and say goodbye.
Chris: Oh. (Into the phone) Thank you so much, Dr Dudley. Hope you enjoy the play. Ken and I saw
it. We loved it. Adored the big production number in the second act. Goodbye. (Hangs up.)
Don’t you ever do that to me again. - He must suspect something. I didn’t get his name
right once.
Ken comes out of the bedroom
Ken: If anyone calls again, don’t answer it. (He starts back in)
Chris: Then why did you tell me to answer that one?
Ken: Because I thought the bullet went through his head, not his ear lobe. Fix me a double
vodka, I left Charley standing in the shower.
Chris: If he drowns, you‘re calling Dr Dudley.
Ken goes back into the bedroom
(Pouring his drink) Don’t know why we’re always the first ones to arrive. (She sips a little
of it herself) Rush rush rush and then have to deal with this mess. (She crosses to the
cigarette box. She takes one out)
The doorbell rings. She jumps, drops the cigarette
Oh, shit...! Shit shit shit shit!
Ken comes out of the upstairs door
Ken: Who’s at the door?
Chris: Have I opened it? Do you see people in here?
Ken: All right, it’s got to be Leonard or Alice, one of the others. We’ve got to open the door. Don’t tell
them what’s happened. Stall them any way you can. Charley Brooks is the Assistant
Deputy Minister of Finance. An attempted suicide on his part could make a pretty ugly
scandal. He is a personal client of mine and he’s my best friend. Just play the hostess for a
few minutes until I figure out how to deal with this.
The doorbell rings again
Ken runs into the bedroom and closes the door
Chris crosses to the front door and opens it
Claire Cummings comes in. She is about Chris‘s age, wearing a chic evening dress. She holds a
handkerchief to the side of her mouth, her bag in the other hand. She is more angry than in pain
Chris: Claire, darling, you look stunning. Where’s Leonard?
Claire: In the car. We had an accident. A brand new BMW, two days old, the side door is smashed in.
Don’t tell Charley and Viv, I don’t want to ruin tonight for them. (She crosses to the mirror
on the wall and examines her injury.)
Chris: How awful for you.
Claire: My lip has puffed up like a plum pudding... Oh, it hurts to say that.
Chris: Where’s Leonard?
Claire: He’s coming. He’s walking slowly. He’s got whiplash. His seat belt went round his neck and
pulled him straight up.

2
Chris: I’m so sorry, Claire. Poor Leonard.
Leonard Cummings comes to the front door. He is in formal attire. One hand holds the back of his
neck, the other holds a gift box from Asprey‘s. We hear him speak before he enters
Len: (off; trying to be cheerful) Charley! Viv! We’re here! Sorry to be late. (he comes in, he walks
in pain.)
Chris: They’re upstairs, Len.
Len: Did Claire tell you what happened? Some twit moron bastard shoots out of his garage like a
Polaris rocket. I’ve got four doors on one side now.
Chris: How does your neck feel?
Len: Stretched out, over to one side. I must look like a Modigliani painting. (Holding up the box)
Here’s their gift. A crystal vase from Asprey’s. (he shakes the box, the broken glass rattles) If someone
brings them a pot of glue, they’ll have a lovely gift. (He sits and starts to dial the phone. Waiting for
his call) A brand new spotless car, untouched by human hands. Buffed and polished by German women
in Munich and now it looks like a war memorial. (Into the phone) Hallo? This is Leonard Cummings. Is
Dr Dudley there, please?
Chris: Dr Dudley?
Len: (into the phone) Yes, it is. I have a whiplash injury... I see... Do you know what theatre he’s in?
Chris: Oh God, I need a cigarette so badly.
Len: (into the phone) Could you? It’s important. I’m at— (he looks at the phone) 01295-77482. ...
Thank you very much. (He hangs up)
Claire: I’ve got to settle my stomach. Is there anything to eat?
Chris: (looking around) Well, actually, no. I haven’t seen a thing.
Claire: Nothing? No canapés? Where’s the cook, Mai Lee? She’s a whiz at canapés.
Chris: Mai Lee? I didn’t see her. I think she’s off this week.
Claire: The week of their anniversary party?
Chris: I think she had to go back to Japan. Her mother was ill.
Claire: Mai Lee is Chinese.
Chris: I know. Her mother was visiting Japan.
Len: (still holding his neck, as he walks) Where’s Ken?
Chris: Ken? He went to the bathroom.
Len: And where’s Charley and Vivian?
Chris: They’re still getting dressed.
Len: They’re not ready? We had a car accident and we’re on time.
Claire: (looking in her hand mirror) My lip is getting gigantic. I don’t think I have enough lipstick to
cover it.
Len: Nothing to munch on? (To Claire) Claire, find me something to nibble on, would you,
please? (He starts for the stairs)
Chris: Where are you going?
Len: To the loo. I haven’t had a chance to do that either.
Chris: There’s a guest bathroom down here.
Len: Isn’t Ken using that?
Chris: No, he’s using the one in the guest bedroom upstairs.
Len: (pointing to the bathroom) Why didn’t he use this one?
Chris: I don’t know. He said he had to go badly and he ran upstairs.
Len: If he had to go so badly, the one down here is closer.
Chris: You know how it is when you have to go badly. You don’t want to stop running.
Len: But this is a shorter run.
Claire: Leonard, it’s not an Olympic event. Why don’t you just go?
Len: That’s why they build guest bathrooms. (He starts for the bathroom) If Dr Dudley calls, I’ll be
right out.

3
Len goes in, closes the door.
The upstairs door opens. Ken pops out.
Ken: Claire, darling. You look lovely.
Claire: Thank you. Are you through up there, Ken? I have to go myself. (She starts for the stairs)
Ken: I think Vivian’s in there.
Claire: Then I’ll use Mai Lee’s bathroom.
Claire goes through the dining-room doors
Ken: (waving his arms at Chris) Up here! Quickly! (Chris rushes up the stairs) Hurry! Hurry! What
did you tell them about Charley and Viv?
Chris: I can’t remember. I was talking so fast, I didn’t listen. Why can’t we tell them the truth?
They’re going to find out sooner or later.
Ken: I don’t know the truth yet. Charley is still mumbling to himself. Now go inside. He wants to see
you.
Chris: See me? Why does he want to see me?
Ken: He’s crying like a baby. I can’t stop him. He needs a woman.
Chris: To do what?
Ken: To cry on. I can reason with him but I can’t comfort him. Let him cry on your shoulder for two
minutes, would you, please?
Chris: (opening the door) Is he still bleeding? I paid five hundred pounds for this dress.
Chris and Ken go in the room
At that moment Claire comes out of the dining-room, with pretzels in an unopened clear plastic bag,
and Len comes out of the bathroom
Claire: This is very bizarre.
Len: Give me that. I’m starved. (He grabs the bag, tries to open it)
Claire: There’s plenty of food in the kitchen but nothing’s cooked. There’s a goose, roast ham, smoked
turkey, all defrosting on the table. There’s pasta sitting in a pot with no water. Everything’s
ready to go but there’s not a soul around to cook it. Chris started to tell me something and
then she clammed up. And why are they taking so long to get dressed? What is that about, I
ask you?
Len: What are you getting at?
Claire: The rumors.
Len: What rumors?
Claire: Don’t pretend you haven’t heard rumors.
Len: Yes, I’ve heard rumors. I’ve heard gossip. I’ve heard talk. But I refuse to listen to
malicious, idle remarks. He is my friend; she is the wife of my friend.
Claire: Very well. Then let’s drop it.
Len: Don’t you agree with me?
Claire: Completely. I won’t be part to it either.
Len: (after a pause) All right. I’ll tell you what I’ve heard. Come here. (He crosses downstage, away
from the stairs)
She crosses down to him
There’s talk about Charley and Vivian. Naturally no-one will tell it to my face. They know
he’s my closest friend and that I’m his personal tax consultant. We’ve been chums since we
were peers.
Claire: Skip the biographical information, get to the dirt.
Len: Very well. Your friend Vivian upstairs is having herself a thing, all right?
Claire: What kind of thing?
Len: I have to spell it out? A thing. A man. A bloke. A chum. A boy. An affair. She’s doing
something with someone somewhere sometime somehow, is that clear enough?
Claire: You don’t know that. You’ve only heard it. You haven’t seen it.

4
Len: Of course I haven’t seen it. You think they invite me to come along? What’s wrong with you?
Claire: You are so naïve Leonard. Open your eyes. Vivian’s not having anything with anyone.
Your friend, Charley, however, is running up hotel bills from here to Birmingham
Len: My friend, Charley? Not a chance. He wouldn’t even look at another woman. Where did you
hear this?
Claire: Someone at the tennis club told me.
Len: Who told you this?
Claire: I’m not going to tell you because you dislike this person intensely.
Len: What difference does it make whether I like them or not? Who told you?
Claire: Carole Cochran.
Len: Carole Cochran? I knew it! I knew it I hate that damn woman. She has a mouth big enough to
swallow a can of tennis balls.
Claire: Wrong. Carole Cochran didn’t start the rumor about Charley. Someone else at the club told her.
Len: Who?
Claire: You don’t know him.
Len: Tell me anyway.
Claire: Harold Greene.
Len: I don’t know him. Who the hell is Harold Greene?
Claire: He’s a new member. He was just voted in last week.
Len: I don’t believe it. An unknown new member spreads rumors about my best friend? Who does
he play tennis with?
Claire: He doesn’t play tennis. He’s a social member. He just eats lunches there.
Len: No tennis? This unknown non—tennis playing social new member just eats lunches and
spreads rumors...? What does he do for a living?
Claire: He sells BMWs.
The upstairs door opens and Ken comes out
Ken: Did anyone else arrive?
Claire: Not to speak of, no.
Len: Is anything wrong?
Ken: (coming down) Why? Does anything seem wrong to you?
Len: You mean aside from the fact there’s no food, no guests, no host, no hostess, and that you and
Chris only appear one at a time and never together, yes, I’d say something was wrong.
Ken: I see. Well, I can’t keep this quiet any more. I think we’d better talk... Please sit down. They
all sit
(Pausing) I’m afraid we have a rather large problem on our hands.
Len: Aha! What did I just say, Claire? What is it, Ken? Tell us.
Ken: Charley. . - Charley, er... Charley’s been shot.
Claire: What?
Len: Shot?
Claire: Oh, my God!
Len: Jesus Christ!
Claire: Don’t tell me this.
Len: I can’t catch my breath.
Claire and Len wail, their heads down
Claire: Please don’t let it be true.
Len: (together) Charley, Charley, no. No, Charley, no.
Ken: (shouting) Calm down, will you? He’s not dead. He’s all right.
They stop wailing

5
Claire: He’s not dead?
Len: He’s all right?
Ken: He’s alive. He’s fine.
Len: Thank God, he’s alive.
Claire: Where was he shot?
Ken: In the head.
Claire: In the head? The head? My God, he was shot in the head.
Ken: It’s all right. It’s not bad. It’s a superficial wound.
Len: Where did the bullet go?
Ken: Through his left ear lobe.
Claire: The ear lobe? That’s not too bad. I have holes in my ear lobes, it doesn’t hurt.
Len: I saw this coming, I swear. The truth, Ken, did she do it?
Ken: Who?
Len: Vivian, of course. Who else would it be?
Ken: Why would Vivian shoot Charley?
Claire: You don’t know what’s going on?
Len: You haven’t heard?
Ken: No. What’s going on?
Claire: Charley’s been having a torrid affair with someone.
Len: It’s not torrid. You don’t know if it’s torrid. No-one said it was torrid. (To Ken) It’s just an
ordinary affair.
Ken: Listen to me, will you, please? Vivian didn’t shoot him. Charley fired the gun. He tried to kill
himself. It was attempted suicide.
Claire: Suicide?
Len: Jesus Christ!
Claire: Oh, my God! Poor Charley.
Ken: Can we stick to the main topic here? No-one knows if anyone had an affair. I don’t know why
Charley shot himself.
Len: How is Vivian taking this? She must be devastated.
Ken: She’s not here. She’s gone.
Claire: Gone? Charley shoots himself in the head and Vivian leaves the house?
Len: She walks out on him now? Now when he’s lying up there with a bullet in his ear?
Ken: It’s not in his ear. It went through his ear. Will you listen to me, please? Perhaps she wasn’t even
here when it happened. Chris and I were driving up when we heard the shot. The front door
was locked. I ran round the back and broke in the kitchen window. Charley was in bed. The
television was on. One of those evangelist programs. A bottle of Vallium was on the night
table. He was half conscious. I thought perhaps he took a pill or two to make himself
drowsy, put the gun to his head, started to fall asleep and shot himself through the ear.
Len: (To Ken) Did he tell you anything? Did he say why he did it?
Ken: Not a word. He was barely conscious.
Len: Did he leave a note or anything?
Ken: He had a sheet of paper in his hand. I tried to take it from him, but he tore it up and threw it into
the toilet and flushed before I could get to it.
Claire: Did you call the police?
Ken: No. Just his doctor.
Len: If we keep this quiet, we’re all involved.
Car lights flash on the window
Claire: I hear a car pulling up. (She crosses to the window. At the window) It’s pulling up the
driveway.

6
Len: Suppose the neighbors heard the gunshot and have already called the police?
Claire: It’s Alice and Cookie.
Len: Alice and Cookie?
The upstairs door opens, Chris steps out
Chris: (calmly) Ken, may I speak to you a moment, dear?
Len: We know that Vivian’s not here. Ken told us.
Chris: Oh.
Ken: They know everything. The gunshot, the ear lobe, the blood, the flushed note, everything.
Len: How is Charley?
Chris: He fell asleep. He’s hugging his pillow with his thumb in his mouth.
Claire: They’re coming in. I can’t believe she’s wearing a dress like that to a party like this.
Ken: All right, what do we do? Do we tell them or not?
Claire: Why not? Alice is Charley’s analyst. Everything you tell your analyst remains confidential.
Len: What his patients tell him. We’re not his patients. His patient is asleep sucking his thumb. The
doorbell rings
Ken: Well? Do we tell them or not?
Chris: Let’s not. Cookie has her cooking show on television. Suppose she accidentally says
something on the air?
Len: On a cooking show? You think she gives out suicide recipes? What’s wrong with you?
Ken: I still think we say nothing till I find out what’s happened. Better safe than sorry. Claire, open
the door.
Len: Chris, get the drinks. Let’s pretend we’re having fun.
Chris rushes to get the drinks, Ken goes into Charlie’s room and Claire starts for the front door. Len
and Chris quickly start to chat and laugh.
Len: (to Chris) And Mrs Thatcher replies, “I don’t know. Perhaps it’s in my umbrella stand”. He
and Chris laugh uproariously
Alice and Cookie enter. Alice, formal attire, is about fifty and carries a gift box. Cookie is her daughter
and wears a God-awful evening gown. She carries a small cushion for her ever troublesome back.
Claire: Cookie! Alice! It’s so good to see you. (She hugs them both)
Chris: Oh, Leonard, that is absolutely riotous. You should have been an actor.
Claire: Everyone, it’s Alice and Cookie.
Len: (still laughing) Cookie! Alice!
Alice: Hallo, Chris. Good to see you, Leonard.
Alice: Sorry we’re late. Did we miss much?
Chris: (getting up) Oh, you simply must’ get Lenny to tell you the story about Mrs Thatcher and the
umbrella.
Len shoots Chris a dirty look
Cookie: (laughing) It sounds funny already. Heh heh heh. Everyone looks so beautiful.
Claire: Cookie, I am mad about your dress. You always dig up the most original things. What a
lovely cushion. Is that for Charley and Viv?
Cookie: No, it’s for my back. It went out again while I was dressing.
Alice: Are you all right, pet?
Cookie: (biting a pretzel) I’m fine, mommy.
Chris: You and your back problems. It must be awful.
Cookie: It’s nothing. I can do everything but sit down and get up.
Chris: What about a drink, everyone?
Alice: I’ll have something.
Chris: What would you like?
Claire: I’ll get it.

7
Len: I’m right near the bar.
Alice: You’re all getting me a drink? Such friendly people.
Chris: Here you go, Alice. (She gives her a drink)
Cookie: Where’s Ken?
Claire: Ken? Ken’s with Charley.
Cookie: And Vivian?
Claire: Vivian’s with Ken. They’re waiting for Viv to get dressed.
Cookie: (screaming in pain) Aaaaaaghh! Aaaaaaghh!
Claire: What is it?
Cookie: (calmly) A spasm. It’s gone. It’s fine. It just shoots up the back. (She seems unconcerned)
Alice: You all right, duck?
Cookie: I’m fine, mommy.
Chris: Someone is going to have to tell them.
Len: Tell them what?
Chris: About the surprise. Charley and Vivian decided ... because they’re having their closest
friends over to celebrate their tenth anniversary . . . they weren’t going to have
any—servants.
Cookie: (nodding) Uh uh.
Chris: No Mai Lee, no anyone.
Cookie: Uh uh.
Chris: Isn’t that splendid? No help. Just us.
Cookie: What’s splendid about that?
Chris: Because! We’re all going to pitch in.
Cookie: I work fourteen hours a day. I cook thirty-seven meals a week. I cook on my television show.
I cook for magazines. I cook for my dogs. I was really looking forward to a relaxed evening... But I
don’t want to spoil the fun. What do we have to do?
Claire: We have to cook. It’s all laid out. Ham, smoked turkey, goose and pasta.
Alice: Ham? Goose? That’s too much cholesterol for me.
Len: Alice, we didn’t come here to live longer. Just to have a good time. Cookie: It would be
much simpler if I did the cooking myself and mommy did all the serving. Claire: Oh, no. We
couldn’t ask you to do that.
Chris: It’s too much work.
Claire: It isn’t fair.
Len: Yes, it is. If it makes them happy. They can clean up too.
Cookie: Then it’s all settled. (She gets to her feet) Just give me thirty-five minutes and I promise
you this will be the very best dinner party we ever had.
We hear a gunshot from Charley‘s room
Oh, my God!
Cookie drops quickly back on the sofa as the others all freeze
Alice: What the hell was that?
Charley‘s door opens and Ken comes out, looking dazed but trying to stay calm
Ken: It’s fine, It’s nothing. All under control. Hallo, Alice. Cookie...! Oh, Chris, darling, may I see
you up here a moment?
Ken goes back into Charley‘s room, closing the door
Chris: (politely) Would you all excuse me a moment? (She starts up the stairs) I hate it when this
happens.
Chris goes into Charley‘s room, practically squeezing through the door
Alice: Am I crazy or was that a gunshot?
Len: A gunshot? Nooo. I think it was a car backfiring.

8
Alice: In Charley’s bedroom?
Len: No, no. I know exactly what it was. It was a balloon. They’ve been blowing up balloons up there
all day for the party.
Alice: How big a balloon would you say? The Hindenberg?
Len: I’ll go up. You and Cookie get dinner started. Charley and Viv must be starved after all that
blowing. Someone get me a white wine spritzer. (He rushes upstairs) I’ll be right down.
Claire, tell them the Margaret Thatcher joke.
Len goes into the room
The telephone rings
Claire: I’ll get it. (She rushes to the phone)
Alice: I still think it sounded like a gunshot.
Cookie: Let’s get dinner started, mommy. Help me up.
Alice starts to pull her up
Claire: (into the phone) Hallo? Who? ... Dr.Cusack? ... Yes, he is. May I ask who’s calling?
Alice: Is that for me?
Claire: (into the phone) Ah. I see. (To Alice) It’s a conference call. Mr and Mrs Clive, Mr and Mrs
Platt and Lord and Lady Bagley.
Alice: Oh, it’s my Friday night group. I have a telephone session with them.
Cookie: You go on, mommy. I can get up myself.
Alice runs into the kitchen
Claire: (into the phone) She’s coming, ladies and gentlemen.
The other line on the phone rings
(Switching buttons) Hallo? ... Yes, it is. No, my husband just called.
Cookie gets carefully down on her hands and knees and crawls slowly towards the kitchen
(Into the phone) Yes, I’ll tell him.
The upstairs door opens and Len comes out
Len: Who’s on the phone?
Claire: Dr Dudley’s service.
Len nods and comes down the stairs. As he does, he sees Cookie and grabs the railing
Len: Oh, my God! What’s that?
Cookie: It’s all right. I do this all the time. It takes the pressure off my back. (She crawls on slowly)
Len: (coming down) Where’s Alice?!
Claire: (pointing to the kitchen) In there. She’s having a session with her Friday night group.
Len: They’re all in the kitchen?
Claire: No. On the telephone.
Cookie: (on the floor) Aaaagh! Aaaaagh!
Len: Your back again?
Cookie: No. Little shirt pins on the floor. (She crawls on) Oooh. Oooh.
Cookie exits into the kitchen
Len: (to Claire) She must be such fun to live with.
Claire: What happened upstairs? Is Charley all right?
Len: He was sleeping. Ken wanted to hide the gun in the closet so Charley wouldn’t find it. He
tripped on the rug and the gun went off next to his head. He can’t hear a thing in both ears.
Claire: Ken or Charley?
Len: Ken. Charley was out cold from the Vallium. (He reaches for the phone) (Into the phone) Hallo?
This is Leonard Cummings again for Dr Dudley. Please have him ring me again. It’s
important. (He hangs up)
Claire: What did Ken want Chris upstairs for?

9
Len: To tell Ken’s doctor to ask him what to do for his ears. Ken wouldn’t be able to hear what the
doctor prescribed on the phone. I’ve got to get back to my post. (He starts back up the
stairs)
Claire: You mean she told the doctor a gun went off? Then she’ll have to explain about Charley.
Len: No, she was going to say Ken was outside and a gas main exploded next to him. Claire: That’s
a good idea.
Len: Except the doctor wasn’t in. His service said he was at the theatre as well. Do you think
there’s some sort of epidemic on the West End?
Charley‘s bedroom door opens and Ken comes out. He holds a towel over his ears
Len: This should clear up any minute. These things don’t last long.
Ken: Do you think this will last long?
Len: (opening the door to the guest bedroom) Lie down in the guest room for a while, Ken.
You’ll feel better.
Ken: Perhaps if I lie down in the guest room for a while.
Len: Good idea.
Ken goes into the guest bedroom with Len
The kitchen door opens and Cookie comes out
Cookie: Would you be a dear, Claire, and help me? Mommy went out the kitchen door to put out
some rubbish and the door locked. My hands are full of grease. Could you let her back in?
Claire: Of course. We would all miss her terribly.
Claire crosses into the kitchen. Cookie stays there alone grabbing her back, catching her breath.
Claire
comes right back in
Claire: Cookie, the water’s boiling over on the pasta.
Cookie: Why didn’t you turn it down?
Claire: I don’t know. I never watch your show.
Cookie: I’ll do it.
Cookie exits into the kitchen
Chris comes out of Charley’s door
We hear another car and see the headlights through the window. Len comes out of the guest room, with
Ken‘s towel
Len: There’s another car coming up. Was anyone else invited?
Chris: Harry and Joan, but they cancelled.
Len: That’s right. They’re on vacation in Venezuela.
Len: Then who’s that coming up the driveway?
Chris: Perhaps it’s Vivian. Perhaps she’s come back.
Len: Vivian drives a Jaguar. This car is an Audi.
Chris: I don’t even want to know who it is. Why don’t you go and look?
Claire: I hardly think it’s going to be good news. (She crosses to the window and looks out) It’s
Glenn and Cassie.
Chris: Glenn and Cassie Cooper? Together?
Claire: That’s how they’re walking.
Chris: I heard they were having trouble. Did you know that Glenn is standing for Parliament in
Brighton?
Claire: So?
Chris: If word gets out that he’s pan of a hushed—up suicide attempt by the Assistant Deputy
Minister of Finance, he can say farewell to his career.
The doorbell rings
Chris: I’m going to the bathroom. You get the door, I’ll be right out. (She starts for the bathroom)
Claire: Just a minute. I haven’t gone since I arrived here.

10
Chris: Yes, you did. In Mai Lee’s room.
Claire: Yes, but no-one was at the door then.
Chris: To hell with it. Someone else will get the door. Come on.
They both go into the bathroom and close the door
The doorbell rings again
Alice comes out of the kitchen. She opens the door.
Glenn and Cassie Cooper, a handsome couple, looking more elegant than the others, stand there.
Glenn holds a gift. Cassie seems very much on edge
(Smiling) Hallo.
Glenn: Good evening.
They walk in. Alice closes the door with her foot
Alice: (looking around) No-one seems to be about.
Cassie: You mean we’re the first?
Alice: No. They’re all here. They’re just—spread out a bit.
Glenn: May I have a drink, please?
Cassie: (without looking at Alice) Me too. A soda please.
Alice: Certainly. No trouble. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Alice Cusack.
Glenn: Are you? Pleasure.
Alice: I would stay and chat but my daughter is bleeding in the kitchen.
Glenn: Your daughter?
Alice: Cookie. A water jug broke, cut her arm. I burned my fingers.
Glenn: Pity.
Alice: Nothing to worry about. We’ll have dinner ready soon. Nice meeting you both.
Alice hurries into the kitchen
Glenn: A bit friendly, wasn’t she?
Cassie: Do I look all right?
Glenn glances at her, but looks at himself in the mirror, and fixes his tie
Glenn: Yes. Fine.
Cassie: I feel so “frumpy”.
Glenn: (still looking in the mirror, straightening his jacket) Nonsense. You look beautiful.
Cassie: It’s so hard to please you, isn’t it?
Glenn: What did I say?
Cassie: It’s what you don ‘t say that really drives me insane.
Glenn: What I don’t say? How can it drive you insane if I don’t say it?
Cassie: It’s what you’re thinking. It’s the disapproving looks you give me.
Glenn: I was not giving you any sort of looks.
Cassie: You look at me all the time.
Glenn: Because you’re always asking me to look at you.
Cassie: It would be nice if I didn’t have to ask you, wouldn’t it?
Glenn: It would be nice if you didn’t need me to look which would make it unnecessary to ask. Can
we please stop this, Cassie? We’re forty-five minutes late as it is. I don’t want to ruin this
night for Charles and Viv.
Cassie: We’re forty-five minutes late because you scowled at every dress I tried on.
Glenn: I didn‘t scowl, smiled. You always think my smile looks like a scowl. You think my grin
Looks Like a frown and my frown looks like a yawn.
Cassie: I don’t know what it is you want from me, Glenn, I really don’t.
Glenn: I don’t want anything from you. I would just like it to be the way we were before we got to be
the way we are.

11
Cassie: God, you suffocate me sometimes… I don’t know how I’m going to get through this night.
They’re your friends. How do you expect me to behave as if nothing has happened?
Glenn: Nothing is happening. What are you talking about?
Cassie: Don’t you dare lie to me. The whole goddamn city knows about you and that cheap little
tawdry tart.
Glenn: Will you keep it down? Nothing is going on. You’re blowing this up out of all proportions. I
hardly know the woman. She’s on the Conservative Party Fund-Raising Committee. I met
her and her husband at two cocktail parties, for God’s sake.
Cassie: Two cocktail parties, eh?
Glenn: Yes.
Cassie: Do you think I’m stupid?
Glenn: No.
Cassie: Do you think I’m blind?
Glenn: No.
Cassie: Do you think I’m a troublemaker? You think I don’t know what’s been going on?
Glenn: Yes, because you don’t.
Cassie: I’m going to tell you something, Glenn. Are you listening? I’ve known about you and
Carole Cochran for a year now.
Glenn: Amazing, since I only met her four months ago. Now I am imploring you to please lower
your voice. That butler must be listening to everything.
Cassie: You think I care about a butler and a bleeding cook? (She opens the door to the kitchen so
they can hear)
Glenn: I don’t know what’s got into you, Cassie.
Cassie: Oh, am I behaving badly, angel? Am I the shrew witch wife who’s giving you such a thorny
time? Well, I’ll tell you something, Mr Super Duper Cooper... I’m not the only one who
knows what’s going on. Tails are wagging and tongues are flagging in very high places
and extremely low places.
Glenn: What do you mean? You haven’t said anything to anyone, have you?
Cassie: Oh, is that what’s worrying you, you innocent lamb? Your reputation? Your career? Your
place in English history?
Glenn: You are so hyper tonight, Cassie. So pent up. What’s causing this bizarre behavior? She
takes out a six inch long quartz crystal from her bag and begins to rub it slowly
I knew it! Your quartz crystal. You’ve been rubbing it again, haven’t you? Those damn
crystals are dangerous. They’re like some petrified drug.
She rubs it around her neck, face and arms
Please put it away.
The guest room door opens. Len comes out
Len: Glenn! Cassie! I thought it was you. In good health, I hope. Who let you in?
Glenn: The maid.
Len: (surprised) The maid? Is the maid here?
Glenn: Yes. She’s getting us drinks.
Len: Is she alone?
Glenn: No, the cook is with her.
Len: (more amazed) Mai Lee? God, what a relief. They came back. We were short-handed here for a
while.
Glenn: Really? Where’s Charles and Viv?
Len: Charles and Viv? In their room, I imagine. Excuse me, will you? (He knocks on Charley ‘s door,
his back to the audience) Charley? Viv? May I come in? (He does Viv’s voice in a high
falsetto) Certainly, dear. Come in.
Len goes in and closes the door
Cassie: Charming party. I’ll be right back.

12
Glenn: Where are you going?
Cassie: To rinse off my crystal. (She starts for the bathroom)I suppose you’d like to make a quick
phone call while I’m gone, right? (She turns to open the bathroom door but it’s locked Is
anyone in there?
Chris: (off) Who is it?
Cassie: Cassie. Who’s that?
Chris: (off) It’s Chris. Just a minute, Cass.
We hear a flush
Chris comes in and closes the door. She has her drink in her hand, mostly finished
I didn’t hear you ring, Cassie. I would have opened the door. Glenn, darling. (She throws
her arms around him and kisses him.)
Glenn: Is anything going on here?
Chris: I don’t know. Who have you seen?
Glenn: Well, Leonard for a brief moment. And the maid and Mai Lee,
Chris: You saw Mai Lee and the maid? My God, I must have been in there for a long time.
Cassie: Are you through in the bathroom?
Chris: Me? Yes. I’m through.
Cassie tries the door again. It’s still locked
Cassie: You left it locked.
Claire: (off) Who is it?
Cassie: Cassie. Who’s that?
Claire: (off) It’s Claire. Just a minute, Cass.
We hear a flush. The door opens and Claire comes out
Cassie, darling. And Glenn. How nice. Where are the boys?
Glenn: Well, Leonard and Ken are up with Charley and Viv. Viv sounds excited.
Claire: You spoke to Vivian?
Glenn: No. I heard her talk to Ken and Len.
Cassie: Is anyone else in the bathroom because I have to go.
Cassie looks inside, then goes in and closes the door behind her
Chris: (to Claire) Mai Lee and the maid are here.
Claire: Well, why not? Where’s Alice and Cookie?
Glenn: I just met Alice. Isn’t she the maid?
Chris: Oh. No. All right. We’ve got that one cleared up.
Glenn: Why is everyone up in Charley’s room?
Chris: Oh. There was something on T.V they all wanted to watch.
Claire: Yes. Right. Very good, Chris.
Charley‘s door opens and Len comes out
Len: (jovially) Well, this is beginning to look like a party. (He starts down the stairs)
Glenn: What were you all watching up there?
Len: (stopping on the stairs) Up where?
Glenn: On the T.V.
Chris: (to Len) The thing you went up to watch with Ken and Charley and Vivian.
Len: Oh. Oh! That thing. That program. That BBC special on what’s-his name?
Claire: Hitler?
Len: (his eyes widening) Yes. That thing on Hitler. (He glares at Claire as he comes down)
Glenn: On their tenth anniversary party, they wanted to watch a documentary on Hitler? Len:
(nodding) Hitler as a boy. Entirely new slant on him. (He shrugs to Claire) Alice comes out of the
kitchen carrying the drinks

13
Alice: Dinner’s coming along. Soda?
Glenn: (to Alice) Sorry. I mistook you for the maid.
Alice: Yes, I thought you did. Quite all right. No, I’m an analyst.
Glenn: Are you really? I’m Glenn Cooper. How’s your daughter managing?
Alice: Very well. Stopped the bleeding and started the goose.
Glenn: Quite resourceful.
Alice: Yes, the sauce is coming too. She’s a trouper, she is. Her fingers are cramping up, however.
Trouble stirring the pot.
Glenn: She really should see a doctor. I have one minutes from here. Dr Dudley.
Claire and Chris look at each other
Alice: Dudley, of course. He does my check-ups.
Claire: (to Chris) Perhaps he has a franchise.
Chris: (to Glenn) Oh, we called Dudley. He’s busy.
Alice: You called him about Cookie’s arm?
Claire: No, about Leonard’s neck.
Glenn: Leonard’s neck?
Chris: And when Dudley called back, we told him about Ken’s ears.
Alice: (to Glenn) Isn’t that incredible? From a can of shaving cream exploding. Extraordinary.
Hold on there. Of course. Glenn Cooper. Standing for MP in Brighton, aren’t you?
Glenn: Right you are.
Alice: I have a good friend who knows you quite well.
Glenn: Does he? Who is that?
Alice: Harold Greene.
Claire: Harold Greene?
Glenn: Of course. Good old Harold. Went to University with Hal. I haven’t seen him in years.
What’s he up to these days?
Len: He’s a new member who just eats lunches and doesn’t play tennis.
Glenn: At your club? (He hands the bandages to Alice)
Len: Alice, I believe Cookie’s waiting in the emergency room.
Alice: Right. (To Glenn) There’s your wife’s drink. Nice to meet you, Glenn.
Alice exits
Charley’s door opens and Ken comes out, still holding his head in pain
Ken: Someone! Please! I desperately need a drink. (He starts down the stairs)
Glenn: How‘s your ears, Ken?
Ken: A beer would be fine, thank you. (He comes down the stairs)
Alice and Cookie come out of the kitchen. She holds a hot casserole and Alice has two bottles of wine
Cookie: It’s din-din, everyone.
Glenn: Cassie, dinner is ready. (He knocks on the bathroom door) Cassie? (Knocking on the door)
Cassie? (Banging on the door) Cassie, will you hurry up! Dinner is served!
The bathroom door opens and Cassie comes out in a state of shock
Cassie: Who did that?! Who banged on the…
Glenn: I did.
Cassie: You scared the life out of me. I dropped the crystal down the toilet. A two million year old
crystal . (To Glenn) Don’t just stand there, you idiot! Get my crystal.
Glenn: I’ll thank you not to call me an idiot.
Alice: (starting for the stairs) I’ll go up and get Viv and Charley.
Len
Claire No!
Chris

14
BLACK OUT
One hour later
Plates of left-over food opened wine bottles, and glasses are about
It’s quiet. Very quiet
The only sound is of Ken eating. He sits, finishing his dinner. The others have all eaten. Glenn and
Claire are seated on the sofa. Leonard sits off to one side, Cookie on the opposite side. Chris and Alice
sit on the stops. Cassie is standing above on the landing, wanting nothing to do with anyone. No-one is
talking. They are all in deep thought. No-one looks at each other. The silence continues Ken‘s fork
scratches noisily on his plate. He looks up
Glenn:(crossing to Leonard) I am still completely baffled. I find the entire story so hard to believe.
Len: Of course you do. Because we acted like the bloody Royal Shakespeare Company to keep the
truth from you.
Glenn: Vivian is gone?
Len: Right.
Glenn: The servants are gone?
Len: Right.
Glenn: Charley shoots himself in the earlobe?
Len: Right.
Glenn: And not one of you knows the reason why?
Len
Claire
Chris Right
Alice
Cookie
Ken: I’m right about what?
Alice: Why didn’t I see it? People running up and downstairs, no-one answering a door, gas mains and
shaving cream exploding? I’ve written six books on erratic behavior and I never caught on.
Chris: I was so desperate for a smoke, I went into Charley’s bathroom and tried to light up a Q-tip.
Ken suddenly stands and looks around. He is breathing hard, clenching his fists. He looks as though he
might explode
Glenn: Something’s wrong with Ken.
Cookie: Maybe he’s still hungry. Do you want seconds, Ken?
Alice: No, no. He wants to say something. Be quiet for a moment, everyone... What is it, Ken?
Ken: I can’t take it anymore. The pressure is killing me. I’m sorry, but I have to do this. (To Alice and
Glenn) Vivian isn’t here. The servants aren’t here. Charley’s upstairs and he shot himself through the
ear lobe. Maybe it was attempted suicide, maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m just glad it’s
over with. (He sits back in his chair and sobs)
Alice: It’s all right, Ken. We know. Leonard told us.
Ken: (looking at him) You know?
Alice: Yes.
Ken: Who told you?
Alice: Leonard told us.
Ken: Glenn told you?
Alice: No. Leonard. (Alice and Glenn point to Leonard)Leonard! Leonard told us!
Glenn: (to Len) Then if you weren’t watching Hitler, what were you watching? Len:
Mussolini, you twit! We weren‘t watching anything!
Glenn: Just asking. I’m new to all this.

15
Alice: (looking up to Cassie) What about you, Mrs Cooper? (To Glenn) What’s her name? Len:
Cassie.
Alice: What about you, Cassie? Did you think something strange was going on?
Cassie: Yes, for over a year now.
Alice: What do you mean? (To Glenn) What does she mean?
Glenn: You have to forgive her. She’s still quite upset about losing her crystal. Unless you’re into
crystals, you wouldn’t understand. Apparently they have very special properties. You have
to wash them in clear, spring water. They must be kept in direct sunlight. Cassie scrubs
them every night with a soft wet toothbrush. You never dry them in a towel. You pat them
in a sort of leathery cloth. They really are very delicate.
Claire: Have you got them enrolled in a good school yet?
Alice: Oh, come on, Claire. If crystals work for her, if they give her a sense of comfort and
pleasure, what’s wrong with it?
Cassie rushes down and crosses into the bathroom, closing the door
Ken: Doesn‘t anyone want to go up there and see if Charley is still alive?
Glenn: Hold on. We’re all in a precarious situation here. Not only Charley, but a lot of people’s
futures depend on how we deal with this issue.
Claire: Meaning you?
Glenn: Well, no. Cassie and I were the last to arrive. We just heard about it during dinner. We’re
hardly involved.
Cookie: And Alice and I were cooking the entire time. No-one told us. I’m sorry.
Len: I wanted to call the police. Ken wouldn’t let me call the police.
Claire: I can certainly vouch for that.
Chris: What is it you’re all saying? That it’s Ken’s responsibility? That he’s the only one hiding
 something?
Len: Not at all. But if it comes down to it, he’s the most logical, that’s all.
Chris: I can’t believe this. I expected a little bit more from his friends.
Alice: Glenn, I’m a little worried about your wife. Do you think she’s all right?
Glenn: Oh, she’s fine. She’s just in there scheming of some way to get back at me. She’ll come up
with something.
The bathroom door suddenly opens and a new Cassie stops out in the doorframe one hand raised high
against the frame, her hair let out and long. She has the look of a femme fatale. There is a malevolent
grin on her face
They are all staring at her
Yes, she’s got one all right.
Cassie crosses to the sofa like a cat and sits on the arm of the sofa, as close to Leonard as good taste
will allow. She crosses her legs, revealing quite a bit of them. She smiles at Leonard. He smiles back
nervously, then looks at Claire who is sitting right next to him, and tries to look unconcerned
Cassie: (in silky tones) Please forgive me, everyone. I know I behaved badly tonight. (Her finger
runs down Leonard’s arm)
He smiles, but would rather die
No, I really did ... and I apologize. I’ve had—well, I’ve had a rather dreadful day today and
I’m not really here tonight.
Len: That’s all right. Neither are Charley and Vivian.
Cassie laughs. She’s the only one
Cassie: (her hand on Leonard’s arm) That’s funny. That’s truly funny, Leonard. I can never think of
anything funny. How do you do that?
Len: (flustered) I don’ t know. I just have one of those quirky... (His eyes meet Claire‘s and he stops.
To Cassie) Wouldn’t you like a drink or something?
Cassie: Why? Do I look like I need one? (She blows softly in his ear)
Glenn: All right, Cassie. That’s quite enough.
Cassie: (innocently) Quite enough of what, dear?

16
Glenn: You know what I mean. Pin your hair back properly and sit in your own seat.
Cassie: (to Leonard) Whatever is he talking about, Leonard? (She fingers his tie) Claire:
Excuse me. I’m going up to get Charley’s gun.
Alice restrains her
Alice: (to Cassie) Cassie, everyone here is your friend. Why don’t you and I go out on the terrace and
have a nice, quiet talk.
Claire: Isn’t it odd that all the women’s names begin with a C?
Chris: That’s right.
Cookie: Except Vivian.
Chris: That’s right.
Claire: Her middle name is Kathy.
Cookie: That’s a K, not a C.
Chris: That’s right.
Claire: And the men’s names all sound the same. Len, Glenn, Ken.
Chris: That’s right.
Cookie: Except Charley.
Claire: Charley’s name begins with a C.
Chris: That’s right.
Alice: What is this, anagrams, for heaven’s sake?
Ken: (grabbing his ear in pain) Aaaggghhhhh! Oh, my God!
Chris: What? What is it?
Ken: My ears popped. They just opened up. (He listens) Good God, it sounds like Victoria Falls in
here.
Alice: (to all) You may not believe this but I’m having the first headache I’ve ever had in my life.
Cookie: I just remembered.
Claire: What?
Cookie: Mommy’s last name is Cusack. It begins with a C.
Cassie: (moving towards Ken, sexily) Ken, darling, are you alright?
Glenn: I’m warning you, Cassie. You’re going to end up in the same place where your crystal is.
Cassie: Don‘t threaten me, sweetheart. Because I’ll start naming names. (She stands next to Ken)
Glenn: That’s enough, Cassie. I’m calling a taxi for you.
Cassie: (screaming in Ken‘s ear) Never mind. I’ll walk!
Cassie storms out the front door
Glenn: (following her) You can’t walk miles! Cassie, wait for me! Will you wait?!
Glenn rushes out, closing the door
Claire: (benevolently) I feel badly for her. Especially because one day she’ll grow old and die.
Cookie: And isn’t it odd that Glenn, Len and Ken are at a party for ten?
Chris: Oh, sit on it, Will you?
Ken moves to the wall near the window
Ken: Shh. Quiet. I can hear them.
Len: Hear who?
Ken: Glenn and Cassie. They’re in the driveway. I can hear them talking.
Claire: The man is a German shepherd.
Alice: I don’t think it’s your business to listen, Ken.
Len: If he can hear through walls, it’s his business.
Ken: She’s talking about a woman. She’s very upset.
Cookie: (looking out the window) I’ll say she is. She just kicked a car with her foot. Who owns the
BMW?

17
Len: I knew it. The good side too, I’ll bet.
Chris: (jumping up) Aha! I just figured it out. It’s Glenn Cooper. Glenn is the one that Vivian’s
having the affair with.
Cookie: Do you think so?
Chris: It all adds up. Vivian’s been working very hard on Glenn’s campaign. Two, three nights a
week. Late nights.
Claire: Of course. Charley’s not stupid. He puts two and two together, confronts Vivian with it, she
confesses, Charley throws her out of the house, tells the servants to go home and tries to
blow his brains out.
Alice: You don’t know that. That’s an assumption on your part. That is a very, very dangerous
statement to make. Don’t you agree with me, Leonard?
Len: No.
Alice: Why not?
Len: I don’t feel like it.
Alice: Well, I believe we have to bring this business to a head. I’m going up and speaking to
Charley and finding out what the true story is. (He heads for the stairs)
Ken: You can’t do that. As far as Charley’ concerned, only Chris and I know about Charley
shooting himself in the ear, am I right?
Alice: Mmmm… Here’s what we’ll do. Charley’s going to want to know what Ken told us. Ken tells
Charley that he told us that Charley had a large benign wart removed from his ear this
morning, but he’s fine. Then suddenly Vivian’s mother broke her hip this afternoon and
 that Vivian took her to hospital and is going to stay there with Mum tonight. The help,
thinking the party was off, left the food and went home. It all happened so quickly, they
forgot to call us. We all arrived here, we understood the mistake and decided to cook the
dinner ourselves. There’s your story.
Claire: I wouldn’t believe the mother breaking her hip.
Alice: Why not?
Claire: She died six years ago.
Alice: Then her father broke his hip.
Claire: He lives in Manchester.
Alice: Does she have a relative in the city?
Chris: She has a cousin Beatrice.
Alice: Then Beatrice broke her hip.
Chris: Beatrice is married to a doctor. He’d fix it himself.
Alice: Then Vivian broke her hip. The neighbors took her.
Cookie: If he only had a wart removed, Charley could taken her.
Claire: Can’t you think of someone else?
Alice: (very upset) I did! I thought of the mother, the father, the cousin, the wart and the hip.
Nothing satisfies you people.
Ken: There’s no logic to it. Nothing in that story is plausible.
Alice: (losing control) We don’t need plausible. The man is in shock, mental anguish and emotional
despair. Logic doesn’t mean shit to him right now... Pardon my language. (She sits)
The front door opens quickly and Glenn rushes in holding a bloody handkerchief to his nose.
Glenn: (breathless, panicky) We’ve got trouble! A pack of bloomin’ bloody trouble! Ken:
What is it?
Glenn: The police. It’s a police car.
Len: (shouting at Ken) There you are. I warned you. I told you we should have called the police. Now
look what’s happened? The police have come.
Ken: Who could have called them?
Claire: Could have been Vivian.

18
Chris: Perhaps it was Cassie. (To Glenn) You were fighting with her, weren’t you? Did she use the
car phone?
Glenn: Not to call. She hit me with it.
Len: She broke my phone? My new phone in my new car?
Alice: Will everyone calm down. We’ve got to figure out what to say when they come in.
Cookie: (looking out the window) The police are trying to talk to Cassie. She won’t roll down the
windows. Oh, oh. They’re walking over here. (Hobbling away from the window) They’re
on the way over.
Ken: Now listen. The thing we must not do is let them see Charley. We can’t let him downstairs or
them upstairs.
Alice: (gesturing for attention) Above all, no false statements. We must keep within the law. This
above all, agreed?
Len: (mockingly) Yea, to thine ownself be true, whether it is nobler in the minds of men—are you
mad? They’re outside the bloody door.
Ken: They’re going to ask about the gunshots. What do we tell them about the gunshots?
The doorbell rings. Len, Ken and Alice drop down in a flash, out of sight, and crawl away from view of
the door
Alice: I’ve got a solution. We tell them we never heard the gunshots.
Claire: You mean lie to them?
Len: What happened to “this above all”?
Alice: All right, think everyone. Why didn’t we hear the gunshots?
They all think. Cookie raises her hand
Cookie: We’re all deaf people. We meet once a week. That’s why we didn’t bear the doorbell.
Len: Now you know why they call her Cookie.
The doorbell rings. The men all drop to the ground again, crawling away from the front door
Ken: We’ve no choice. We’ve got to let them in.
Len: All right, Claire. Open the door.
Claire: (moving away from the door) I can’t. I’m in charge of the music.
Glenn: That’s it! The music!
Chris: What music?
Glenn: The music was on. We were all dancing. We couldn’t hear the gunshots. Claire, put on the
music.
Claire crosses to the stereo
Ken: Wait! Not yet. There’s one last thing to do.
Claire: What?
Ken: Someone has to be Charley. Just in case he police want to speak to Charley.
Alice: Ken is right. Charley is in no condition to tell them the real story.
Len: Of course not. Because no-one has heard the real story yet.
Ken: Exactly. But we have to be sure whatever story the police hear, has to be one that doesn’t
implicate any of us.
Glenn: I agree. Ken is absolutely right. (To the men) One of you two chaps has to be Charley
because, let’s be honest, I never heard the gunshots.
Len: (shouting in Glenn‘s ear) Bang bang, you bastard!
Glenn cringes in pain
Ken: (coming downstage) We’re all in this together, Glenn. Here’s how we do it. Each man puts out
two fingers or one finger. If three men have the same and one man is different, that man is
Charley... Are we ready?
Len: (to Ken) Who made you the Godfather?
Ken: Do you have a better idea?
Len: Yes. Let the women wrestle for it.

19
Glenn: We’re wasting time. Let’s get on with it.
They all put out fingers
(Pointing to Len) Aha! It’s Leonard! Go on upstairs, Leonard. And don’t come down until
we call you.
Len: (on his way upstairs) I had a better time in my car accident.
The doorbell rings again
Ken: All right, Claire. Put on the music.
Alice: Let’s go, everyone. Get your partners.
They do. Claire turns on the stereo. It is a loud rendition of La Bamba The three couples dance
furiously. We hear loud banging on the front door, and finally it is opened from the outside A
police officer,PC Conklin. She stands watching the couples dancing. They are unnoticed
Conklin: (shouting) Will you shut that damn thing off, please?
No-one notices
Turn it off, I say!
Still no response. The officer takes out their whistles and give them a simultaneous loud blast.
Everyone stops dancing. Someone turns off the stereo
That racket could drive someone deaf.
The others all respond together, with a mixture of “What was that?”, “Eh...?”, “Did you say
something...?”, “I didn‘t hear that.”
Alice: May I ask, what is the meaning of this intrusion?
Conklin: Begging your pardon, sir. Didn’t mean to barge in ‘ere.
Alice: There is a bell on the door, you know.
Conklin: I rang it, sir. Twice.
Alice: Really? We never heard it.
Conklin: I’m not surprised. You couldn’t ‘ear World War Two with that music on.
Alice: Of course. The music.
Ken: That’s why we didn’t hear you.
Chris: It was the music.
Cookie: It was on—
All: So loud!
Alice: Now what seems to be the trouble, Officer?
Conklin: Just a routine investigation, sir. My name is PC Conklin.
Cookie: (to Claire) One more C.
Conklin: Who’s the owner of this house?
Ken: Now could you tell us what this is about, Officer?
As before, they all talk at the same time: “Yes, what is this about...?”, “Is anything wrong...?”, “Why
are the police here...?”, “I can ‘t imagine what‘s going on...”
Conklin: Just a few questions need a few answers. May I ask who the owner of this ‘ouse is?
Claire: Brooks. Mr. Charles Brooks.
Conklin: Thank you kindly. Now can you tell me if Mr Brooks is at ‘ome at present?
They all look at each other
Claire: I’m not sure. Chris, is Charley at home?
Chris: Charley? I believe he went to walk the dog.
Conklin: I see. Then he’ll be back shortly, I presume.
Cookie: I don’t think so. It’s a dachshund. They take very small stops.
Conklin looks at her suspiciously
Ken: (wanting to avoid trouble) No. He’s home. Came up the back way. Carried the doggie in his
arms, I think.
Conklin: Well, then, can I possibly see Mrs Brooks for a moment?
Ken: It’s er... an awkward time, Officer. As you can see, we’re celebrating a party. 20

Conklin: Couldn’t miss it if I tried. What’s the occasion, if I might inquire?

Ken: It’s the tenth wedding anniversary of Mr Charles and Vivian Brooks.
Conklin: I’m for that, sir. Just celebrated my twelfth... Wouldn’t need more than a minute of his
time.
Ken: Well, unfortunately, Mr Brooks is sleeping.
Conklin: Sleeping? (She looks at his watch) At ten thirty p.m. of his wedding anniversary party?
Ken: He was feeling depressed. He took a sleeping pill.
Conklin: Quite unusual... Well, then, could I see Mrs Brooks?
Ken: Mrs Brooks is not here. Won’t be back till midnight.
Conklin: Even more unusual.
Ken: Yes. That’s why Mr Brooks is depressed.
Conklin: Where is she then?
They all look at each other
Alice: Her father broke his hip. She had to take him to hospital.
They all glare at her
Conklin: During her anniversary party? Couldn’t someone else take him to hospital?
Claire: Her father lives in Manchester.
Chris: It has to do with cousins and warts and hips. It’s highly complicated. Conklin: Can you
please tell me who owns the German made BMW car sitting in the driveway. Claire: Well, it’s ...
it’s my husband’s car, I think.
Conklin: Not sure, are you, ma’am?
Claire: Well, it’s a very new car. Yes. It’s his. Quite sure.
Conklin: And what might his name be, ma’am?
Ken: You don’t have to answer that, Claire.
Claire: His name is Leonard. Leonard Cummings.
Cookie: (to Chris) Cummings. Another C.
Conklin: And where is Mr Cummings now, ma’am?
Ken: I object!
Conklin: You can’t object, sir. This ain’t a court. This ain’t a trial. This is a semi-official chit-chat... I
just want to know where Mr Cummings is.
Ken: You still haven’t told us what this chit-chat is about, therefore we’ll not tell you where Mr
Cummings is.
Conklin: All right. All right. Let’s not bring down the government here. Very well... (She consults her
notebook) At approximately eight fifteen tonight, a car accident occurred at the intersection
of Cawley Lane and Mayberry Mews. A brand new red Porsche convertible smashed unto
the side of a brand new BMW four door saloon. Now, we know it was not the BMW’s fault
because the Porsche was a stolen car. Pinched at eight fifteen tonight right off the dealer’s
premises. The thief and the Porsche got clean away. Now do you know who that brand new
Porsche belonged to?
Claire: How could we possibly know?
Conklin: It belonged to Mr Charles Forsythe Brooks. Purchased today as a gift from his wife, Vivian.
A surprise wedding anniversary present.
Ken: Aha! So you’re here to investigate the car accident.
Conklin: Correct, sir. Now if Mr Cummings is here, we’d like to get some information about the
accident, and then I’ll be off and about my business.
Ken: I see... Do you think you could wait outside for one moment, Officer?
Conklin: Why?
Ken: Mrs Cummings is my client. I would like to consult with her before any further
questioning. It’s within my rights.
Conklin: One minute. That’s all you get.

21
Conklin leaves
Ken: All right. We don’t have much time. One of us has to be Leonard.
Claire: Don’t look at me.
Alice: Why does someone have to be Leonard?
Ken: The officer doesn’t even know about the gunshots. He just wants to ask Leonard about the
accident. But Leonard can’t be Leonard because we need Leonard to be Charley in case
Conklin wants to ask Charley about his new stolen Porsche but we can’t let him see
Charley because Charley has a bullet hole in his ear.
Ken: All right, I’m Leonard.
The doorbell rings
Open the door, Glenn.
Glenn opens the door
Conklin comes in, looking very impatient.
Conklin: I’m relieved to see you’re not dancing again... Now then, where is Mr Leonard Cummings?
Ken: He’s right here in this room. I am Leonard Cummings.
Conklin: (looking at him sideways) You are?
Ken: Yes.
Conklin: May I ask why it took you a minute to think of your name?
Ken: I like to weigh my answers carefully.
Conklin: Didn’t realize your name weighed quite that much, sir.
Chris involuntarily puts her arm through Ken‘s, in a wifely manner
(Seeing this) And who are you, ma’am?
Chris: I’m his wife. His wife’s best friend. (She points to Claire) Her. Mrs Cummings. (She takes her
arm away)
Conklin: (to Ken) All right, Mr Cummings. Tell us about the accident. In full and complete detail.
We hear the two-way radio on Conklin’s belt. It is an indecipherable sound, which only she can
understand
Headquarters. (into the radio) 1047, WPC Conklin. Over.
The radio squawks some nonsense
Check.
More squawks
Right.
More squawks
(To everyone) Red 1997 Porsche convertible located just outside of Towkesbury. Suspect
apprehended. Admitted crash with BMW. Sergeant says call it a night. That’ s that then. No
harm done. I’ll be on my way.
The others talk at the same time, cheerfully: “Isn‘t that wonderful...?”, “Splendid...!”, “What a
relief...!”
Glenn crosses to Conklin and shakes his hand
Conklin: (Holding Glenn‘s hand) Can’t help thinking’ I’ve seen your face before, sir. What’s your
name again?
Glenn: Cooper. Mr Glenn Cooper.
Conklin: Have I seen you in the newspapers, sir? Or on T.V?
Glenn: Well, yes, possibly. I’m standing for IVTP in the south.
Conklin: Right. There you go. I never forget a face... May I ask why you were so reluctant to give
me your name, sir?
Glenn: Well, you know. When you’re in politics these days, you don’t want to get yourself
involved even with the most trivial notoriety.
Conklin: Yes, but you weren’t involved with this. Unless you witnessed the accident. Did you?
Glenn: Oh, good heavens, no. My wife and I arrived late. We didn’t even bear the gunshots.

22
A moment of frozen silence. The others look at the floor, ceiling and walls
Conklin: What gunshots?
Glenn: (innocently) Hmmm?
Conklin: I said, “what gunshots”?
Glenn: I suppose the gunshots that were fired when they chased the stolen car.
Conklin: That happened thirty kilometers away, sir. Super-perfect hearing, have you?
Conklin’s radio goes on again
(Into the radio) 1047, Conklin. Over.
Radio squawks
Right.
Radio squawks
Check.
Radio squawks
Will do. (To everyone) Neighbors reported two gunshots were fired about eight twenty p.m.
from inside 127 North Hampshire Road North Hampshire Road. How convenient we’re
already there... Well, we’ve got ourselves two alleged crimes for the same price. . . Anyone
care to tell us about the gunshots?
All speaking together: “No. “, “Not really...”, “We didn’t hear any gunshots , “The music was so
loud.”
Conklin: No-one heard them, I suppose. (To Glenn) Who’s the woman sitting outside in the BMW?
Glenn: She’s my wife, Cassie.
Conklin: I’d like to have a little chat with Mrs Cooper. Someone get her in here.
Glenn exits.
Conklin: (looking at the dinner plates) Looks to me like you’ve all had quite a dinner. I’d
like to speak to the help, please.
Ken: There is no help.
Conklin: Then who did the cooking?
Cookie: I did.
Conklin: And your name is?
Cookie: Cookie.
Conklin: (doubting it) I mean your real name.
Cookie: It is my real name. I have two sisters named Candy and Taffy. God’s truth, ask my
mommy, she named us.
The front door opens and Cassie comes in with Glenn. Cassie‘s dress is torn about the shoulder. She
tries to hold it together
Conklin: And what happened to you, Mrs Cooper?
Cookie: (shouting in pain) Aagghh! Agghh! Aagghh! Sorry. I have chronic back spasms. It’s very
hard for me to sit, stand or walk.
Conklin: And you say you didn’t hear the gunshots either?
Cookie: No. I was dancing... Dancing is good for my back.
Conklin: Quite frankly, I’m beginning to enjoy all this. (To Chris) Mrs Bevans.
Chris: (looking around) Is that me...? Yes. That’s me. Right.
Conklin: And what do you do?
Chris: Well, mostly I’ve been helping with the drinks.
Conklin: Your occupation.
Chris: Oh. Nothing... No. Not... I’m a liar. A lawyer. Sorry. I’m very nervous.
Conklin: You and everyone else, ma’am. I don’t believe one bloomin’ blinkin’ bit of what I’ve heard
in this room. I believe there were gunshots here tonight. I think someone or everyone is trying to cover
up something here. Double BMW accidents, the host takes a short legged dog for a long walk and then
goes to sleep, the hostess takes her father to hospital with a broken hip in Manchester and no-one hears
two gunshots because everyone is dancing ...

23
including a woman named Cookie who’s been cooking all night who can’t sit, stand or
walk... You’ll have to do better than that. I would like to see Mr Charles Forsythe Brooks in
the flesh, and find out if he indeed is sleeping, breathing, talking or living. Now, I’ll give
you five seconds to get him down here or I will take two seconds to go upstairs and find
him... Counting off! One ... two ... three ... four... five. (He starts up the stops)
Glenn: Wait! Wait! Please wait! Won’t you wait! Don’t go up! Wait!
Conklin stops midway
Alice: Ken...! I mean, Len. I think it’s time to call Charley and ask him to come down, don’t you?
Ken: Absolutely.
Alice’ crosses to the phone and rings Charley‘s room
Alice: (into the phone) Charley? It’s Alice... We’re ready for you now... There are two police
officers here who want to speak to you (hangs up).
Glenn: The truth is, officer, there were two gunshots here tonight. I personally did not hear them, but
I share equal blame with those that did hear them and did not come forth with the
information, despite the fact that I did not hear them.
Ken: Stop helping us so much, Glenn.
Charley‘s bedroom door opens. Leonard comes out as Charley, wearing a dressing gown, pajamas,
slippers and a large bandage over his ear
They all look at him. He looks at them, furious for making him do this, then smiles at the police. He
starts slowly down the steps
Glenn: Hallo, Charley.
Ken: Feeling better, Charley?
Alice: We’re behind you, Charley.
Len nods sardonically
Conklin: I’m PC Conklin, Mr Brooks. Please sit down. Now, Mr Brooks, tell us from the beginning
exactly what happened in this house tonight.
Leonard tries to start. He tries to relax his facial muscles. He clears his throat. He stretches his neck.
Anything that will detain him. Finally, he starts
Len: Well, then ... let’s see... The story... As it happened... As I remember it... As I’m telling it... Well,
here it goes... At exactly six o’clock tonight, I came home from the office. My wife,
Vivian, was in her dressing-room getting dressed for the party... I got a bottle of cold
champagne from the fridge, and headed upstairs. Rosita, our Spanish cook, was in the
kitchen with Ramona, her Spanish sister, and Romero, her Spanish son... They were
preparing an Italian dinner. I tapped on her door. Tap tap tap... She opens it. I hand her a
glass. I make a toast. We drink. We kiss. We toast again... By seven o’clock the bottle is
finished, my wife is sloshed and I’m completely toasted...
Claire looks triumphantly at Chris
It is now eight o’clock, and outside it’s grown dark. Suddenly, a gentle knock on the door.
Knock knock knock... The door opens and a strange young man looks down at us, a knife in
his hand. Vivian screams. (He begins to act out the story) I jump up and run for the gun in
my desk. Vivian grabs a towel and shields herself. I rush back in with my pistol, ready to
save my wife’s life. The strange young man says in Spanish, “Yo quite si diablo enchilada
por quesa in quinto minute”. But I don’t speak Spanish.
And I never saw Rosita’s son, Romero, before. And I didn’t know that the knife was to cut
up the salad and he was asking if they should heat up the dinner yet. So I aim the gun at
him. Vivian screams and pulls my arm. The gun goes off and shoots me in the ear lobe. (He
points to the wrong ear, then corrects it) Rosita’s son, Romero, runs downstairs and tells
Rosita and Ramona, “Maìnmaseeta! Meela quepaso el hombre gringo ay baca ay yah. El
hombre que loco, que bang-bang Romero” ... meaning the crazy man took a shot at him. So
Rosita, Ramona and Romero leave the house in a huff. My ear lobe is bleeding all over
Vivian’s new party dress. Suddenly we hear a car pulling up. It’s the first guests arriving.
Vivian grabs a bathrobe and runs downstairs to stop Rosita, Ramona and Romero, otherwise
we’ll have no dinner. But they drive off in their Alfa Romeo... I look out the window, but
it’s dark and I think someone is stealing my beautiful old Mercedes, so I take another shot at
them. Second shot…! Vivian runs down to the basement looking for the dress she wore last
year for the Save the Whales Ball. She can’t find the light, trips down

24
the stairs and passes out in the dark. I run downstairs looking for Vivian, noticing the
basement door is open and afraid the strange looking boy is coming back, so I lock the
door— (he shows how he locks the basement door) not knowing that Vivian is lying down
there unconscious. Then I run upstairs to take some aspirin, because my earlobe is killing
me. But the blood on my fingers gets in my eyes and by mistake, I take four sleeping piles
instead. I hear the guests downstairs and I want to tell them to look for Vivian. But
suddenly I can‘t talk because of the pills and I’m bleeding on the white rug. So I start to
write a note explaining what happened, but the note looks like gibberish. And I’m afraid
they’ll think it was a suicide note and they’d call the police, so I tore up the note and
 flushed it down the loo, just as they walked into my room. And they’re screaming at me,
“What happened? What happened?” And before I could tell them what happened, I passed
out on the bed. And that’s the whole damn story, as sure as my name is— (he opens the
robe, revealing the CB monogram on his pajamas) Charley F. Brooks. (He falls back
exhausted in the chair)
Conklin: (Thinking about this) I buy it. I buy the entire story. And do you know why I buy it? I buy it
because I liked it. I didn’t believe it, but I liked it. I love my wife too, sir, and she’d kill me if I didn’t
buy that story. (He crosses to the front door) Sorry to have bothered you folks. Take care of that ear,
Mr Brooks, and happy anniversary.
Conklin leaves
Glenn: Where—in the whole wide world, did you find the temerity to tell an insanely ludicrous
story like that?
Len: Panic. Sheer panic. I made it up.
Ken: Of course you made it up. But when?
Len: As I was telling it. Sentence by sentence. Word by word.
Claire: (standing, with a glass in hand) A toast! To my husband, Leonard. Just when I was starting to
get bored with our marriage, I fell in love with him all over again.
All: (toasting) To Leonard.
Chris: I have an interesting question.
Cookie: What?
Chris: What do you think really happened to Charley and Viv?
The intercom buzzes
Alice: (picking it up) Hallo? ... Yes, Charley... We’re still here... Are you up to having some visitors? ...
Splendid... We’re dying to hear what happened tonight. We’re on our way. (She hangs up)
They all begin to troop upstairs
They are all on the stairs. Suddenly we hear a banging from the basement door. All stop and turn
Woman’s Voice(off): Open the door! Open the door. Let me out.
Ken: Who is it?
Woman’s Voice(off): It’ s Vivian! In the basement!
The all look at Leonard in disbelief
CURTAIN

25