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42 Secrets to
Communicate Better in a
Relationship & Ways to
Fix a Lack of It
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Secrets
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Table of Contents  (#)


Many of us confuse communication with having a
conversation. Sure, talking to someone is basic
communication, but just because you’re talking doesn’t
mean you express your feelings, nor does it mean that
the other person truly understands what you say.
Learning how to communicate in a relationship is what
makes it work or fall apart.

Communication isn’t just talking, it’s not just hearing,


and it’s not just the words you choose. It’s a number of
things that come together to create the perfect storm.

When you can communicate with each other clearly,


there will be fewer misunderstandings, less drama, and
a closer connection. [Read: A guide on effective
communication in a relationship
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/effective-communication-in-a-relationship)]

What does ‘lack of communication’


mean?

First, you need to know what communication actually is.


It’s one of those words that we hear all the time and
assume we know, but do you really?

Communication includes:

1. The words you say and the type of words you use

2. The way you say them, e.g. how fast or slow you

speak, your tone of voice [Read: How to talk to people in


a charming way no matter who they are
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/how-to-
talk-to-people)]

3. Whether you make eye contact or not


4. Body language

(https://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-
men/body-language-of-men)

5. Non-verbal cues, such as hand gestures, facial

expressions, etc.

6. Listening, or not listening, as the case may be

7. Not interrupting

8. Showing empathy to the other person to understand

them better [Read: How to develop empathy and master


the art of growing a real heart
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/how-to-
develop-empathy)]

To communicate effectively, you must take on board all


the above points. However, a lack of communication is
far more commonplace in relationships.

This happens when one or both partners simply don’t


know how to express themselves. It can also be when
there is an underlying issue, and it’s caused one or both
partners to shut down and think, “what is the point?”

A lack of communication will slowly erode away at


everything you have built up in your relationship, and
before long, you’ll realize that you barely speak at all.
[Read: 42 red flags and signs it’s time to end your
relationship and move on for good
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-
heart/16-signs-its-time-to-move-on-and-end-the-
relationship)]

Can a relationship survive without


communication?

When we say ‘communication’ from this point on, we’re


not really talking about asking your partner to remember
to do the dishes or asking them where they want to go
for dinner.

We mean communicating your feelings, your wants, your


needs, your desires, and in turn, listening to the same
from them.

You see, many people forget that communication is a


two-way deal. Too many people like the sound of their
own voice. It’s all ‘blah, blah, blah,’ and all you hear is
white noise. It all gets lost in the cacophony of babble,
and you can’t get a word in edge-ways. [Read: Mars and
Venus? The most common gender differences in
communication (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/better-love/gender-differences-in-
communication)]

You cannot have a relationship without communication,


and not any old communication either; it has to be good
communication which includes listening to the other
person as much as you’re talking.

When partners stop communicating, it really is like the


death bell ringing.
It’s a sign that you don’t care enough to fight for the
relationship anymore. It shows that you’ve given up; you
know they don’t care about your feelings, so you’ve
stopped expressing them. Or you can’t be bothered to
give them the time of day because you don’t feel
respected enough or like you’re a priority in their life.

The list of reasons may continue, but the outcome is the


same. A lack of communication in a relationship is a
huge issue. Without rectifying this, the relationship won’t
last. [Read: The telling signs it’s time to give up on the
relationship (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/broken-heart/signs-time-give-up-on-a-
relationship)]

What causes a lack of communication


in a relationship?

A million different things can cause two people to stop


communicating, but it’s not usually a good sign either
way. For instance, stress in someone’s life can cause
them to bottle things up and stop talking to those
around them.

They become stuck in their own little world, and as a


result, nobody is really sure what is going on. That
means their partner can worry that they’ve done
something wrong, but when they ask, they’re told there’s
nothing wrong.

In that situation, we’re talking about what will hopefully


be a temporary lack of communication. This is a
response to a stressful situation that will probably pass,
and then normal service will resume.

However, when the lack of communication continues,


the trouble really begins. [Read: Communication
techniques to get anyone to open up to you
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/communication-techniques)]

In this case, prolonged communication issues are


usually down to trust problems, one person *or both*
simply don’t feel the same anymore, unfaithfulness, or
issues in the relationship which have never been
resolved.

Learning how to communicate in a relationship takes


bravery, and you’ll have to be vulnerable. However, it’s
more than worth the time and effort.

Types of communication styles

We’re all unique, so that means we all communicate in


slightly different ways too. However, there are four
distinct communication styles that most people fall into.
[Read: Communication techniques to finally get them to
open up to you (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/better-love/communication-techniques)]

1. Assertive communication
Someone who communicates assertively is able to
express their thoughts, ideas, and points of view clearly
and directly.

At the same time, they ensure they’re respecting the


other person and not accidentally belittling them.
2. Passive communication
If the assertive type is a positive thing, passive
communication is quite the opposite. In this case, a
person has become used to hiding their feelings,
thoughts, and ideas. They don’t vocalize them, and that
means they don’t have their needs met or allow others
to understand them.

3. Aggressive communication
When someone communicates aggressively, they’re
able to put their point across, but they don’t do it in the
right way. Rather than respecting the other person and
trying not to upset them, they simply say what they want
and be damned with the consequences.

As a result, others are hurt because of their actions.


[Read: How to deal with passive-aggressive people and
not lose your mind (https://www.lovepanky.com/my-
life/relationships/how-to-deal-with-passive-aggressive-
people)]

4. Nonverbal communication
We all communicate non-verbally, often without realizing
it. This includes body language, facial expressions, eye
contact, and gestures.

Picking up on these nonverbal cues can help you to


understand others better, but it’s also important to know
how you’re expressing yourself in this way too.
Key signs of poor communication

So, how can you tell whether you have a lack of


communication problem in your relationship? You’ll
probably be able to feel it, but you will also notice these
key signs.

If you can nod along to several, it’s time to start learning


how to communicate in your relationship in an effective
way, hoping that your partner also does the same.
[Read: Why you should run if you see these red flags
early in the relationship
(https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/dating-
game/early-relationship-red-flags)]

1. Passive instead of active listening


Listening is a lot harder than most people think. When
you listen passively, you’re just hearing the words.
However, when you’re actively listening, you’re really
taking on board what they’re saying and reading their
non-verbal cues.

When there is a lack of communication in a relationship,


there is likely to be a lot of passive listening.

2. Shutting down
When there is a lack of communication issue, partners
are likely to start communicating passively, i.e. not really
saying anything at all. In this case, you’ve shut down
because you start to think, “what’s the point?”

In this case, both partners need to focus on learning


how to communicate in a relationship. Otherwise, the
relationship is doomed. [Read: How to help someone up
when they’re feeling down and depressed
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/how-
to-help-someone-up)]

3. Bottling things up until you explode in


anger or sadness, often yelling or screaming
When you have a passive communication style, you’re
likely to bottle things up, and at some point, it has to
come out. At that moment, you’re likely to explode in
anger or start crying out of sadness.

4. Becoming verbally or physically abusive


There is no excuse for this happening. If you or your
partner become abusive in any way, you’re way, way out
of line, and there are bigger problems at hand. However,
a lack of communication can cause extreme frustration,
which may lead to someone acting out of character.

Of course, that is no excuse at all for this type of


behavior. [Read: Am I in an abusive relationship? 66
early signs, effects, and ways to get out
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-
heart/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship)]

5. Dismissing the other person’s point of


view and belittling feelings
If this happens, it’s often a result of frustration and the
whole “what’s the point” thought process. However,
dismissing another person’s point of view will only make
things worse and lead to an even greater decline in your
relationship.
If you’re belittling their feelings, you also need to take a
very long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.

6. Passive-aggressive behavior
Another sign you need to learn how to communicate in a
relationship is when you or your partner show regular
passive-aggressive behavior.

You’re not talking to each other, and you’re not listening.


Instead, you’re just trying to score points.

7. Not being clear about your expectations,


wants, or needs
How can you communicate what you want or need
when you’re not actually communicating effectively in
the first place? This is a major sign there is something
wrong and that you need to turn your attention toward
fixing it. [Read: Healthy relationship boundaries – How
to talk about them and set them
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/healthy-relationship-boundaries)]

8. The silent treatment


Again, you prefer to stay quiet because you can’t see the
point in even attempting to talk. The thing is, doing so
isn’t going to help and will only exacerbate the problem.

9. Interrupting
Interrupting is often a result of not feeling heard
yourself. You’re desperate to get your point across, even
if it means cutting into the other person’s speech.
However, it is also a sign that you don’t respect the other
person enough to let them say what they need to.

How communication can save your


relationship

It’s true that learning how to communicate in a


relationship is hard work, and, at times, you’ll wonder
whether anything is actually working.

But it’s important to keep in mind the benefits of


learning how to connect with your partner in this way.
When you understand this, you’ll be more inclined to
keep going.

This is how learning how to communicate in a


relationship can actually save your relationship from
doom. [Read: 22 practical ways to save your relationship
when it’s falling apart (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/better-love/how-to-save-your-relationship)]

1. You’ll know there are problems


Some people go a very long time without realizing their
partner is unhappy. They just have no clue because their
significant other never spoke up and told them.

Great communication can help both people become


aware of problems within the relationship. [Read: 18
critical signs of an unhealthy relationship
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/signs-of-an-unhealthy-relationship)]
2. You’ll create a deeper bond
Communicating helps you bond closer. You’ll have a
better understanding of the other person, and it can
make you grow closer as a couple when you work to
solve issues together.

3. You will have fewer issues


The more you communicate, the fewer big problems
you’ll have. You’ll be able to get through issues faster
and faster, and that means you’ll have fewer overall.
That’s a great reason to learn how to communicate in a
relationship!

4. You’ll have a much happier relationship


When you have fewer problems to deal with, you’re
happier. When you understand your partner better, you’ll
be able to avoid issues and enjoy each other’s company
more. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for happy
love (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/sweet-
love/relationship-rules-for-successful-love)]

5. You’ll never feel like you can’t get through


something
Sure, there may be some things you just can’t get
through as a couple, and that’s usually when it’s time to
call it quits. However, if you love that person, having
great communication can help you feel as though you
can get through anything. [Read: A guide for effective
communication in a relationship
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/effective-communication-in-a-relationship)]
How to solve a lack of communication
in a relationship

Sometimes, we’re too scared to tell people how we feel,


or we don’t want to cause an issue, so we brush it to the
side.

We think by ignoring the problem, it will just go away.


But, in most cases, it only gets worse, usually resulting
in someone blowing up in an angry rage. [Read: Lack of
communication in a relationship & why it signals the end
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/lack-of-communication-in-a-relationship)]

You never want to let a situation get to that point,


especially when you could have easily solved it just by
expressing your feelings.

If you want to know how to communicate better in a


relationship and solve any existing problems, keep these
things in mind:

1. Stop talking and listen


We love to talk, almost to the point where we really don’t
care if someone listens or not. But if you want to
improve your communication, you must get out of your
head and actively listen to your partner.

Expressing your feelings is one thing, but if you don’t


listen to their needs, you will not be able to reciprocate.
[Read: Do you love talking and hate listening?
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-
life/conversational-narcissist-signs)]
Make sure that you’re not only paying attention to the
words they say but reading their body language
(https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/get-
flirty/signs-of-body-language-attraction) too. If they’re
fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with you, that could
be a sign that they’re lying or extremely nervous.
Listening is about far more than just hearing.

2. You’re going to have to open up


This is the hard part for many of us. No one wants to
become vulnerable, even though it’s perfectly healthy.
Many of us think we’re “weak” for opening up to
someone else and becoming vulnerable.

But how else will you express your feelings


(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/how-to-
show-empathy) if you’re not honest with your partner? It
will be hard, but the more you do it, the easier it will
become and the happier you’ll be overall. [Read: Steps to
become more emotionally available for lasting love
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/how-to-be-emotionally-available)]

3. Don’t assume anything


Don’t assume that your partner feels
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/how-to-tell-how-your-partner-feels) this or thinks
that. If you start assuming how they feel, you actually
prevent proper communication from occurring.

Throw your assumptions out the window because


they’re not going to help you one bit.
4. When talking, use “I” statements
This is really the basics of effective communication.
When you speak about your feelings, always use “I”
statements. Don’t say “you.” This is accusatory and
easily takes the discussion down a different, unpleasant
road.

So, for example, don’t say, “You never wash the dishes,”
instead, say, “I feel annoyed when you don’t wash the
dishes after saying you will.” [Read: Communication
exercises for couples – easy games to be a better lover
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/communication-exercises-for-couples)]

5. Your body language speaks for you


We communicate mostly through body language. So,
when you sit down to talk about your feelings, a frown
on your face with your arms crossed isn’t giving off
great vibes.

Try to maintain an open and neutral position, one that


doesn’t give off defensive or aggressive energy.
[Read: 23 dos and don’ts that make all the difference in
a relationship argument
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/relationship-arguments-23-dos-and-donts-to-
remember)]

6. Do what you say you’re going to do


Everyone says they’re going to change and be a better
person. But what really makes the difference is when
you actually do it. If you don’t follow through with your
words, how can you improve your communication skills
with your partner?

If you say you’re going to work on your anger, actually


take the steps necessary to do so. Basically, if you say
you’re going to do something, do it.

7. It’s a two-way street


The only way to improve your communication is if both
people are fully invested in it.

If your partner is already working on their


communication skills, you need to step up and meet
them halfway. This won’t work if only one person does
all the work. [Read: How to communicate with your
spouse & end the rollercoaster ride
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/how-to-communicate-with-your-spouse)]

8. Avoid texting all the time


If you’re upset about something, sure, you can text
them. However, it’s very easy to miscommunicate your
feelings via text. The other person can’t hear your tone
of voice or see your facial expression behind a text
message.

This is why you need to save these conversations for in-


person talks, especially when you’re trying to
understand how to communicate in a relationship in the
best way possible. Yes, we know it’s easier to sit behind
your phone, but it causes more harm than good.
9. You don’t have to solve a problem right
away
We usually feel that when we have a disagreement with
someone, it needs to be solved right away. Of course,
we want the problem solved now. It saves us hours of
awkward encounters in the kitchen.

But not all arguments or disagreements need to be


solved right away. Sometimes, if it was really heated,
you’re better off sleeping on it and then discussing it the
next day. That way, you both had the space to collect
your thoughts and can now effectively communicate.
[Read: 15 ways to resolve conflict without the drama
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/how-
to-resolve-conflict)]

10. Keep the emotions to a minimum


Okay, you do need to express your emotions
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/emotional-needs-in-a-relationship). However, you
want to express them with minimal emotion. If you cry
or yell, you’re going to have a harder time truly
communicating how you feel.

Also, your partner will not be actively listening if you’re


sobbing in front of them. Staying as rational as possible
gives you the best outcome.

11. Know that communication isn’t a


competition
The point of communicating in a relationship isn’t about
proving that you’re right and they’re wrong. It’s based on
empathy and compromise.
If you go into a discussion solely focusing on winning
the debate, well, you’re not going to get far. This isn’t a
100-meter dash. [Read: How to be a better listener in
your relationship (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/better-love/ways-to-be-a-better-listener-in-your-
relationship)]

12. Choose the right time


If you want to sit and talk with your partner about an
issue that really (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/better-love/fighting-in-a-relationship) bothers
you, pick the proper time and place. Don’t do it an hour
before their final university exam or the day after their
grandfather died.

Choose a quiet place, preferably not in public, and


choose a moment where you both are emotionally
neutral.

13. Try to keep it relaxed


Sometimes, communicating our emotions can be quite
stressful and difficult. There’s nothing wrong with
throwing in some humor to help you relax and lighten
the atmosphere.

However, don’t make the conversation turn into a


comedy hour, as it distracts from the main objective.
[Read: The guide to finding your zone of calm perfection
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/how-to-
be-present)]
14. Don’t interrupt
When your partner is talking, make sure you let them
finish before you speak. There is nothing more
frustrating than trying to explain something to someone,
and they keep interrupting and trying to get their side
across.

Learning how to communicate in a relationship means


giving each other the time and respect to talk freely.

15. Use your empathy


If you want to understand your partner better and
therefore be able to communicate with them better, use
your empathy skills. That means you try to put yourself
in their position when they’re talking to you.

If you were feeling how they are, what would you do and
think? How would you react? By asking yourself those
questions, you can understand them on a deeper level.
That often helps to resolve a lot of problems. [Read:
Reasons why empathy is important in a relationship
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/reasons-why-empathy-is-important-in-a-
relationship)]

16. Prevention is better than cure


The best thing you can really do is start your
relationship with great communication. Right from the
very beginning, make sure you’re working toward
discussing your issues.
It’s much easier to prevent having an issue with
communication than it can be to fix it. So if you’re
starting a new relationship, get on top of talking about
your relationship regularly right away. You’ll be thankful
for it later. [Read: Problems that will make your
relationship stronger (https://www.lovepanky.com/my-
life/better-life/problems-that-will-make-your-
relationship-stronger)]

17. Start small


Don’t try to go from never communicating to doing it all
the time. It’ll feel weird and forced, and you’ll both have
issues. Start small. Just ask them if they’re happy with
you and with the relationship.

If you notice they’re doing something that’s upsetting to


you, just calmly say, “I just feel very uncomfortable when
you talk about that,” and see how they respond. It’s
better to ease into things when you’re having issues.

18. Ask a lot of questions


The best way to get your partner to open up is just to
ask questions. Sometimes they may not think about
bringing something to your attention until you ask. When
you ask, you’ll usually be given an honest answer.

Ask them things like, “Did I upset you when I did that?” if
you notice they’re acting a little annoyed. Get them
talking more by leading the conversation there.
[Read: 25 important questions to ask your significant
other (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/questions-to-ask-your-significant-other)]
19. Never ignore it when your partner is
upset with you
If you notice that your significant other is pissed, don’t
ignore it. Yes, you can give them their space to be upset,
but make sure you’re asking them about it when they’ve
calmed down.

Otherwise, your problems will get swept under the rug


and grow into unsolvable issues.

20. Carve out time for bettering your


relationship
Take a weekend every month and focus on your
relationship. Spend alone time together and talk about
any problems you want to work on. Make sure you’re
both on the same page and nurture your bond.

This could also mean having a regular relationship


check-in and talking about how you think things are
going. [Read: 33 awesome date ideas every couple
should try (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-
couch/romantic-love/awesome-date-ideas-every-
couple-should-try)]

21. Figure out your partner’s triggers


If there’s something you do that upsets them and you’ve
noticed a trend, ask them about it. You’ll also want to
make sure you’re aware of signs when they get upset.

Again, this is more important when your significant


other isn’t great at communicating yet. In this case,
learning how to communicate in a relationship is about
looking for clues.
22. Don’t hold back
Obviously, you don’t want to be mean when talking your
problems out. However, you also don’t want to downplay
how you’re really feeling, either. If something is
bothering you to the point where you’re thinking about it
often, make sure to tell them that. [Read: Tips to help
you open up about your kinky side
(https://www.lovepanky.com/sensual-
tease/obsession/tips-to-help-you-open-up-about-your-
kinky-side)]

23. Make sure your partner understands you


It’s easy to sit and talk about something, but your
significant other might not always understand where
you’re coming from. Communication is pointless unless
both parties are fully aware of the issue.

24. Discuss your communication


preferences
There’s nothing wrong with actually talking about how
you like to talk! Discussing your communication
preferences can avoid clashes and your partner not
feeling heard. If they do something you don’t like, say so,
but be open to their feedback too. [Read: Being brutally
honest – Scenarios when it’s an obligation
(https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/reflections/being-
brutally-honest)]
When to seek couples counseling or
try individual therapy

If communication simply doesn’t change despite


tackling the problem head-on, or your partner refuses to
acknowledge there is a problem at all, then it’s time to
sit down and seriously think about your future in this
union.

No relationship lasts without open and honest


communication. This doesn’t have to be a constant drip
of words throughout the day. It means talking about the
important things in your lives and relationship. If this
isn’t happening, it basically means that you’re not
connected.

If you’re not connected, where is the love? Where is the


emotion? It’s gone, quite possibly somewhere else.
[Read: Lack of communication and the little steps you
need to take to make it better
(https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-
love/lack-of-communication-in-relationships)]

However, it’s at this point you can choose to seek


couples therapy or individual therapy to help you learn
how to communicate in a relationship. Only you can tell
whether this is an issue that sits firmly on your
shoulders or on both of you. That will help you choose
the type of therapy to seek.

[Read: The 15 signs it’s time to break up, even if it is


hard (https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-
heart/when-is-it-time-to-break-up)]
Now that you know how to communicate in a

relationship, you better get on it. Your communication

skills aren’t going to get better on their own, so get to

work!

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VIN SERAI
(HTTPS://WWW.LOVEPANKY.COM/AUTHOR/VIN-
SERAI)
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has
delved deep into the working of love and
relationships for almost two decades. Having
dipped his feet in almo...

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