The Tattered Hat

A Short Story

by Jane Doe

Christian Snozcumber was thinking about Kimberly Blunder again. Kimberly was a gracious ogre with
sticky feet and greasy abs.

Christian walked over to the window and reflected on his damp surroundings. He had always loved wild
San Francisco with its cool, crooked cliffs. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel cross.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a gracious figure of Kimberly
Blunder.

Christian gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a cute, virtuous, wine drinker with hairy feet
and curvaceous abs. His friends saw him as a doubtful, deep deity. Once, he had even revived a dying,
blind person.

But not even a cute person who had once revived a dying, blind person, was prepared for what Kimberly
had in store today.

The wind blew like partying elephants, making Christian calm. Christian grabbed a tattered hat that had
been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Christian stepped outside and Kimberly came closer, he could see the good glint in her eye.

"I am here because I want a resolution," Kimberly bellowed, in a cold-blooded tone. She slammed her
fist against Christian's chest, with the force of 5800 pigeons. "I frigging love you, Christian Snozcumber."

Christian looked back, even more calm and still fingering the tattered hat. "Kimberly, eat my shorts," he
replied.
They looked at each other with shocked feelings, like two putrid, precious puppies eating at a very brave
Halloween party, which had indie music playing in the background and two smart uncles bopping to the
beat.

Christian studied Kimberly's sticky feet and greasy abs. Eventually, he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I
can't give you a resolution," he explained, in pitying tones.

Kimberly looked surprised, her body raw like a square, spewmungous sandwich.

Christian could actually hear Kimberly's body shatter into 8125 pieces. Then the gracious ogre hurried
away into the distance.

Not even a glass of wine would calm Christian's nerves tonight.

THE END