Fawning: What to Know About the People-

Pleasing Trauma Response

By 
Amy Marschall, PsyD 

Amy Marschall, PsyD

Dr. Amy Marschall is an autistic clinical psychologist with ADHD, working with children and adolescents
who also identify with these neurotypes among others. She is certified in TF-CBT and telemental health.
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Updated on May 15, 2023
 Medically reviewed by 
Yolanda Renteria, LPC
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Verywell / Zoe Hansen

Table of Contents
 What It Looks Like
 Examples
 Causes
 What It Means
 How to Stop
 Supporting Someone

You may have heard of the four fear responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. “Fawning” refers
to when an individual copes with a perceived danger by attempting to appease whoever is
causing the danger in order to prevent them from causing harm.

Sometimes, trauma and abuse survivors will fawn in response to their abuse in an effort to keep
the abuser happy. While abuse is never the victim’s fault, victims may feel responsible for their
abuser’s behavior and fawn in an attempt to prevent abusive behavior.

Fawning can also appear as compliance to prevent harm. For example, if an individual knows
their attacker will harm them physically if they fight back, they may comply in order to protect
themselves. This does not mean that they consented to abuse or assault; it simply means they
were trying to prevent the situation from escalating.

What Does Fawning Look Like?

Fawning is sometimes referred to as “people-pleasing.” When someone is fawning, they may
appear overly cooperative or helpful, sometimes to their own detriment. They might minimize or
fully deny their own needs, struggle to say “no” even to unreasonable requests, or agree with
those around them even if this does not reflect their real feelings or values.

Most people engage in people-pleasing behavior from time to time. For example, if your boss
makes a request that you do not want to do, you might say that you are happy to help, especially
if that request is part of your job responsibilities.

However, people who fawn may be unable to stop the people-pleasing behavior at other times
and may neglect their own needs in extreme and unhealthy ways. Additionally, while you might
comply with your employer because you prefer to keep your job, a person who is fawning may
experience significant fear or anxiety about what would happen if they do not keep those around
them happy.

When someone has a fawning response, they might struggle to even recognize their own feelings
and needs. They often look to those around them rather than trusting their own emotional
response. They likely struggle with healthy boundaries as well.

Examples of Fawning
Like other fear and trauma responses, fawning can look many different ways. Additionally, some
behaviors may be a fawning response in some contexts but may also be healthy in others. A
fawning reaction occurs specifically when the individual is afraid of the response or backlash if
they do not keep others happy. Some examples of fawning include:

 Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships

 Making decisions based on what others want rather than your own needs
 Agreeing with others’ preferences rather than indicating your own
 Becoming involved in conflict in an attempt to de-escalate, even if you are not involved
in the situation
 Holding yourself responsible for other people’s behavior

What Kind of Trauma Causes Fawning?

There is no one correct way to respond to fear, abuse, and trauma. Two people may respond to
similar stressors in very different ways. Additionally, someone who has a fawning response in
one situation may engage in a flight or freeze response in another situation.

People who perpetrate abuse are not typically abusive in every situation and interaction. In fact,
the cycle of abuse consists of a “honeymoon” period when the abuser may be overly caring
towards their victim and periods of calm when abusive behavior is not present.1 This can cause
the victim to feel that, if they just behaved the right way, the cycle would end, and the abuser
would remain in the calm or “honeymoon” phases of the relationship all the time.

Abusive people also often control their victims’ behavior, finances, and interpersonal
relationships, forcing the victim to rely on them. If the abuser engages in gaslighting, the victim
may feel that they cannot trust their own perception, increasing their reliance on the
abuser.2 These patterns and cycles of behavior can cause a trauma bond, or when a victim feels
love and attachment to their abuser, often to the point that they protect or defend the abuser from
the consequences of their behavior.1

Due to these patterns, fawning responses often occur in the context of an abusive relationship,
including children who are abused by parents or guardians or intimate partner violence.

Fawning is not exclusive to relationships, though. If someone finds themselves in an unsafe

situation, such as an abduction or an assault, they may fawn to try and minimize harm from the
assailant. It is important to remember that a fawning is an unconscious automatic protective
response and is not the cause of abuse or harmful behavior.
 Why It Can Be Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship

What Does It Mean If Someone Is

Fawning?
Since fawning is a response to perceived danger, if someone is fawning, they typically have a
history of abuse and are trying to maintain a sense of safety. In the past, fawning behavior may
have effectively kept them safer at the moment abuse was taking place. When a behavior keeps
us safe (or when we believe a behavior keeps us safe), we are more likely to engage in that
behavior again in the future.

Perceived danger does not necessarily equal actual danger. If someone is fawning, it does not
mean they are presently at risk for abuse; they may be re-enacting previous behaviors that kept
them safe.

How Can I Stop Fawning?

Since fawning is a trauma response, it can help address the underlying traumatic events or
relationships that caused the response to develop. A therapist can help with this. Many different
therapies can help with trauma, including eye movement desensitization and
reprocessing (EMDR),3 trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT),4 and creative
arts therapies.5

When you have not been able to acknowledge your own needs, it can take time to develop
insight and even realize what they are. Take time to consider your preferences and values, and
get to know your authentic self. Since fawning likely helped you survive in the past, it can take
time to unlearn this skill when it no longer serves you and learn more appropriate ways of
dealing with perceived dancer.

 Best Online Trauma Counseling

How Can I Support Someone Who Is

Fawning?
It can be difficult to address fawning responses because many nervous systems find them
helpful. For example, a child who is fawning in school is often labeled as “helpful,”
“considerate,” or “a delight to have in class.” Teachers might not even realize they are
reinforcing a fear response. Learn to recognize when someone is fawning so that you can support
them in their efforts to let go of this response.

You might feel defensive if you realize that a loved one is engaging in a fear response. You
might think you are a safe person, and therefore they should not feel the need to fawn.
Remember that trauma responses persist even after the trauma has ended, so their fawning
response may have nothing to do with you. Work with your loved one to reassure them it is ok
for them to express their needs.
If the person who is fawning is your romantic partner or a family member, couples
therapy or family therapy might help open up healthy communication and teach you skills to
support your loved one on their healing journey.

 The Link Between PTSD and Fight or Flight Response

5 Sources

By Amy Marschall, PsyD

Dr. Amy Marschall is an autistic clinical psychologist with ADHD, working with
children and adolescents who also identify with these neurotypes among others. She is
certified in TF-CBT and telemental health.