WRITING

ASSESSMENT Candidate ID

REPORT 028IM

Submission Date

14-July-2020

Writing

Task

Type

Opinion Essay

Marking key
Positives (breakdown of each criterion) Negatives (if any)

Task Achievement/Response Grammatical error or wrong sentence formation

Wrong word choice/formation/spelling

Cohesion & Coherence
under-developed/generalized idea/weak example
Lexical Resource
wrong/weak use of cohesive devices/referencing
Grammatical Range & Accuracy logical inconsistency or off-topic/irrelevant detail

Repeated word/phrase or confusing information

can be written differently

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Candidate’s Work

Question

Some people say that it is possible to tell a lot about a person's culture
and character from their choice of clothes.
Do you agree or disagree?

Essay
It is argued by some people that a particular person’s culture and
characteristics can be identified from their preference of attire. I firmly agree
with this statement because people from a specific cultural background will
wear the clothes, which are acceptable in their society and we can find about
numerous people’s occupations and characters from the way they wear distinct
clothes.

Majority of people are enthusiastic to stick to those outfits which are not against
their cultural and social norms. Not only do these individuals take care of their
traditions, but they also feel comfortable in wearing the acceptable attire in
their society because they would be identifiable if they were to visit several
traditional ceremonies. One such festivity, for instance, in my country is Eid and
on this special occasion people understand what to wear and people from
other cultures are able to understand what culture they represent. Hence, it is
obvious that one can find out about a person’s social and traditional
characteristics by having a glance at their get-ups.

Furthermore, the nature of an individual can be recognized from the way he or

she gets dressed. People who have respect in a society will prefer casual and
formal clothes as opposed to stylish and fashionable clothes because they are
not only concerned about their preference, but they also think about the
acceptability of attire within the society. In addition to that, there are some
individuals who are inclined towards wearing disheveled clothes and thus
people consider them as dishonest and characterless as the dress code they
use portrays their bad image. To illustrate, elderly and respected citizens
usually get dressed, which can represent their positive and good reputation
among people, whereas burglars and drug-addicted individuals put on shabby
clothes that people do not acknowledge. Therefore, the choice of clothes does
let us know about a person’s character and personality.

In conclusion, I strongly agree that the choice of clothing can tell us regarding
the culture and demeanor of an individual and it is because of the
representation of their social norms and to be different from others when it
comes to outfits.
Feedback

Task Response
355 words.
All parts of the task are addressed.
Some parts are generalized and/or lack focus.
Introduction could be more precise.
Good examples included.
appropriate conclusion.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

introduction:
your introduction is 61 words in length.

Remember that introductions in IELTS essays should be very precise and not be around
50-70 words in length. Every introduction has 2-3 (usually two sentences) with the following

1) General statement: this is to introduce the topic of your writing. Most candidates usually
paraphrase the statement given in the question prompt, and it is totally fine to do this.

REMEMBER: make sure that you remain totally on topic with this statement. Some writers try
to 'impress' the examiner at this point by using complex vocabulary/ideas - and this usually
can be wrong. This is not a good impression at all.

You did a good job here.

2) Thesis statement: This statement outlines what the essay will be about or what the reader
can expect in your writing.

In opinion essays, thesis statements are linked with your opinion so this is where you
introduce and highlight your position, and this is very important for you to do so because
you want to make your position/opinion VERY CLEAR to the examiner. You, then, maintain
this position throughout the response for band 7.0 and above.

You can also generally introduce the ideas you will possibly be talking about.

for example: In my opinion, online shopping will definitely replace shops in cities because of
its convenience to consumers and businesses alike.

Now when I read this sentence, it becomes clear that your opinion (e-shopping will replace
shops) will be supported by points about convenience to customers (BP1) and convenience
to businesses (BP2).

Making this distinction is important because the last thing you want is to have a confusing
development = low TR score.

You do this nicely, BUT you end up giving too many details in this sentence and this is a
mistake!
Simply introduce your main idea(s) in a very general way and that's it. You do not have
to write reasons here at this point because you will definitely talk about this in the BPs
- otherwise repetition can be noticed. Like I can see 'acceptable in their society' is
rpreated in BP2.

Instead of saying ' to this statement', more natural way of doing this can be 'this' or
'view' and..
'believe, think, consider, hold the view..' instead of 'agree or disagree'and..
'firmly' = 'certainly, definitely, absolutely, totally clearly..'

this will help you have a more natural approach.

All you have to do here is: I totally believe that one can tell a lot about a person's
cultural background and character from the way they wear clothes.

try to have your introductions limited to 35-50 words because all the magic happens
in body paragraphs, so keep your intros short and sweet!

possible positions that you can take for this essay:

When you have two parts to the question, you can totally take any view you want. You
don't have to agree or disagree with ALL parts and have a black & white approach -
you can take the grey approach as well.

different positions you can take here:

approach # 1: I totally agree that it tells us a lot about a person's CULTURE and
CHARACTER.

approach # 2: I totally disagree that it tells us a lot about a person's CULTURE and
CHARACTER.

approach # 3: I agree that it tells us a lot about a person's CULTURE, but not about their
character

approach # 4 : I agree that it tells us a lot about a person's CHARACTER, but not about
their character

approach # 5 (strong control of language needed): It can tell us a lot about a person's
culture but not much (some) about their character.

your approach depends on how strongly you think about the given topic - you have
this flexibility.

at the end of TR's review, I will mention how you can be aiming for TR 8.0.
logical inconsistency and/or irrelevant detail in BP1:

'people are enthusiastic to wear outfits that are not against their social norms'

'these individuals take care of their traditions and also feel comfortable in wearing

you highlight why people wear traditional clothes but WHAT does it tell us about a
PERSON? You do raise this point 'identifiable if they were to visit' and 'other
cultures are able to understand but this isn't exactly further developed properly.

THIS QUESTION IS NOT ABOUT WHY or WHEN PEOPLE WEAR TRADITIONAL

CLOTHING BUT HOW ONE’S CHOICE OF CLOTHING TELLS US ABOUT THEM?

If someone is wearing these native clothes and others see them in one... what can they
deduce about that person's culture? where they are from? anything good? Anything
bad?

Think down these lines for more relevant (on-topic) details!

Generalized details in BP1:

'identifiable if they are able to visit' and 'able to understand what culture they
represent' - how possibly do they make this out? you need to extend these points

General details in BP2:

'how do casual or formal clothes give acceptability in the society' - what do people
think about such clothes? why are they accepted? do people think this person is
conscious about their appearance and knows the ethics of where they are?

'....as dishonest and characterless as the dress code they use portrays their bad
image' = how does this portray a bad image?

do not think that you have to write many more sentences just trying to explain a point
- adding some clauses using conjunctions like 'because, so, like,' etc add more focus.

Examples:
you understand the structure well and know that examples are meant to add strong
support to your main idea(s).

You not only present an example but also try to connect it with the main idea thus
making your position really strong.

However, avoid making your examples very personal. Examples are meant to add
strong support to your argument, and if something is too personal, it may be difficult
for the examiner to accept it as something 'strong'
You can extract the same information from your example(s) in BP1 and make it sound
stronger:

One such festivity, for instance, in my country is Eid.. = one such festivity, for instance,
in Afghanistan is Eid.
OR
my friend who is a medical student usually feels stressed out by exams. =
for instance, medical students usually feel stressed out by the thought of exams
because...

Your example in BP2 is nice!

For band 8.0!

You mention 2 points to support your main idea and these have strong supporting
details as well. I think it is better to aim at TR 8.0, for which you need to have a 'well-
developed response'. How do we do this?

Now, you don't have to write different paragraphs to just mention what other people
might think or say against this. This approach can work but there are more easier ways
to do this.

What you can do is use some language features to express acknowledgment and/or
refutation to the other side of the idea, and then strengthen these points with YOUR
position (which are the words you already have in this writing).
You can do this by:

- mentioning what others might say against this

OR what you think might be the

- limiting factor - both of which should be followed by your strong details and make
use of:

1) subordinate conjunctions
2) modality.

For example:
1. Although the return policies of many e-stores can be annoying for some people, I
think that services like same-day delivery have won the trust of many consumers.

2. School uniforms removes disparity between the rich and poor students because
everyone wears the same kind of clothing no matter what their social background is.

3. Purchasing school uniforms for their children can be an additional financial burden
for some families. However, I believe such a rule, in fact, removes disparity between
rich and poor students....
OR

Although purchasing school...for some families, I believe such a rule.... what

their social background is.

Notice how in all these examples, position remains clear and the
acknowledgment to the other side is also present.

This tells the examiner that you have thought about these supporting details/
ideas in detail. This is band 8.0 level.

I do understand this can be a difficult concept to adapt. However, you don't

have to worry because we will be discussing this more in your next essay
practice (opinion essay) and I will answer any questions you possibly have.

Expected band score: 7.0

Irrelevant or off-topic details can seriously limit your score for TR so
always be careful.

Carefully read the question and give details that are focused to the task
only and are clearly developed.
 Coherence and Cohesion

ideas are logically arranged.

There is a clear progression.
Lack of clear focus can limit progression.
Cohesive devices are naturally used.
Referencing is used but not always appropriately.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

Avoid repetition of key words/information:

For a strong progression, it is important that your ideas 'unpack' as paragraph

progresses. this means giving more supporting details and extending these points
for the reader to fully understand you. Do not give any unclear/repeated
information. If something has already been mentioned in previous sentence(s), you
do not have to repeat it.

Constant repetition and generalization reduces score for TR as well as C&C!

• Make sure that you make every word count. Precision is the key in IELTS Writing. If
you can express something in fewer number of words, follow that style.

for instance:
there are some individuals who are inclined towards wearing disheveled clothes and
thus people consider them as dishonest and characterless as the dress code they
use portrays their bad image..

individuals who wear disheveled cloths are considered dishonest and character by
others as the dress code they use portrays a bad image.

This is 30 words against 20 - with no meaning lost.

Being focus is important otherwise:

i) repetition of words or information - this can reduce progression, and show a lack
of clear referencing.

ii) generalization - this can make your main idea(s) unclear to understand or you
might only touch the surface (while constantly repeating the same info) without
properly extending or supporting the main idea. Do not write 60 words for a point if
the same meaning can be conveyed with 30-35 words

• You make good use of cohesive devices like 'for instance, hence, furthermore, in
addition, to illustrate, therefore' and none of these are overused so good job here!

you also use other cohesive features by using conjunctions like not only but also.
Using conjunctions like coordinating and subordinating add links within a sentence
(ideas) and correlative conjunctions and other devices allow cohesion between.
 Coherence and Cohesion

• pronouns:
he or she = you do not have to use 'he or she' or 'he/she' in your essay. You
can simply use gender-neutral pronouns like THEY, THEM, THEIR instead to
be more specific.

like:
the nature of an individual can be recognized from the way THEY get dressed.

now this they as pronoun for individual will be considered grammatically

correct because it is clear to the examiner that you mean to make individual
sound gender-neutral.

You correctly follow this rule in the conclusion: demeanor of an individual and
it is because of the representation of THEIR social norms

• referencing:

if something is already expressed, avoid repeating the same information/

words continiously in your work and try replacing it either with pronouns or
synonyms.

You repeat 'in a society' atleast four times in this essay.

Clear referencing is important for band 7 in C&C.

Expected band score: 6 .0

general details reduce progression.
Try being more focused and avoid repeating information. Doing this
will give you the flexibility to expand your ideas well.
Lexical Resource

wide range of vocabulary used.

awareness of style and collocations can be noticed.
some errors in word choice.
no spelling errors.
use of phrasal verbs noticed.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

• 'preference of attire, enthusiastic, against their norms, traditional
ceremonies, nature of an..., acceptability, opposed to..., disheveled
clothes, dishonest and characterless, good reputation, demeanor of an
individual' are some examples of good lexis in your writing.

you make good use of collocations, but do note that accuracy is

important and you should not use any word unless you know of its use
(context) or meaning.

• numerous people = this is not the right term to be used with people.
commonly used terms are 'many people, a lot of people'

• character: this is uncountable noun so you should not use 's' with it.

• drug-addicted individuals: I can understand why you used it but a

more appropriate way is to simply put it as 'drug addicts'

• phrasal verbs:

phrasal verbs like get up, stick to, push off, etc are informal and should
be avoided in IELTS essays because this is formal writing.

enthusiastic to stick to = enthusiastic to wear outfits..

You have good command over vocabulary and can do a great job with
more accuracy in your writing style.

Expected band score: 7.0

8.0 is likely with more accuracy.
You have a strong command here.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy

mix of structures used. conjunctive adverbs are also used.

most sentences are error-free. some errors with articles and punctuation.
use of correlative conjunctions.
inversions used.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

use of conjunctions and advanced grammar features like inversion help
improve your score for GRA. make sure that all sentences give a clear
meaning and are easy to understand by the reader.

You have strong control over grammar and your use of (not only..but
also), 'whereas' and other kind of conjunctions really shows your
potential. Keep this up!

• some errors to fix:

wear clothes, which are acceptable... = wear clothes THAT are
acceptable.

because what follows next is a defining clause (restrictive clause) and

which cannot be used here.

• Articles:
majority of people = the majority of people..

• and thus = and, thus, ....

when using thus/therefore with and, it is better to have a comma around

both this word so the connection between and is clear and so with the
word 'thus'

Expected band score: 8.0 –avoid some of these errors and your
score will be strengthened. You can continue using a variety of
grammatical features with clear accuracy. Good job!
 TR CC LR GRA
7.0 6.0 7.0 8.0

OVERALL BAND SCORE 7.0

General comments:
Your strengths are clearly visible in this essay, and I am
sure you are working hard to write in the best way
possible. Your overall score rounds up to a 7.0 here but I
will still be cautious in the TR section because that area
can reduce your score to a 6.5.

This is why I advise you to properly develop all idea(s)

and avoid repeating any general information. You surely
can do this and improve your score for TR to even an 8 -
which will increase your score for C&C as well.

It is clear that you are aware of the test structure and your
control of grammar and use of lexis is really good.

Continue working hard and I am sure you will improve a

lot more. I hope this feedback helps. Good luck, Ihsan!

COMMITTED TO YOUR SUCCESS