WRITING

ASSESSMENT Candidate ID

REPORT 012PM

Submission Date

16TH july 2020

Writing

Task

Type

Opinion Essay

Marking key
Positives (breakdown of each criterion) Negatives (if any)

Task Achievement/Response Grammatical error or wrong sentence formation

Wrong word choice/formation/spelling

Cohesion & Coherence
under-developed/generalized idea/weak example
Lexical Resource
wrong/weak use of cohesive devices/referencing
Grammatical Range & Accuracy logical inconsistency or off-topic/irrelevant detail

Repeated word/phrase or confusing information

can be written differently

IELTS is a registered trademark of University of Cambridge, the British Council, and IDP Education Australia.
My IELTS Guide is not endorsed or affiliated with or by The University of Cambridge ESOL, the British Council, and IDP Education Australia.
Candidate’s Work

Question

Plastic bags are creating pollution for both sea and land. Some countries are
considering a ban on their use. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay
Once considered as the greatest invention of all time, plastic specifically single use
has actually turned into a dreaded nightmare for the mankind. A number of nations
are clogged with substantial amount of polyethylene bags as garbage. Some people
therefore, suggest banning the use of these. This essay will discuss why banning
disposable plastics in daily life is the best way to deal with the repercussion arising
from them.

One of the major reasons why banning utilizations of plastic bags is a good idea is
their detrimental impact on the marine ecosystem. Marine animals have remained an
inseparable part of our lives throughout the history of human civilization and are an
important segment of our food chain. A large proportion of trash largely plastic
liberated through human usage ends up in waterways and oceans. Estimates suggest
that around 78% of the total plastic garbage ends up in seas, where it is often
ingested by aquatic animals creating severe consequences like toxicity and blockage
of digestive system functions. In recent times, a number of news reports have
emerged online that depicts the horrendous pictures dead marine creatures washing
ashore with loads of plastic bags being found in their guts and are quite alarming. If
not addressed soon, it will cause a havoc on the sustainability of aquatic systems and
humans in unimaginable manners. Therefore, in order to protect the life of innocent
marine creatures and in turn human existence ban is a necessary step in right
direction.

Another reason for advocating plastic ban is that this can create an awareness among
masses about the ill effects of using one-time plastic bags in general. This will also
push people towards lifestyle changes involving minimal use of one-time plastics. In
European countries, for instance, similar ban and increased taxation on these bags in
supermarkets led to an enormous surge towards the reintroduction of cloth-based
grocery bags, which is definitely a more sustainable approach. Hence, the
implementation of such strategies will not only reduce the environmental burden, but
it will also encourage the development of ecofriendly solutions.

In conclusion, this essay summarized why banning plastic bags makes an ideal policy
for reducing their detrimental impacts on planet earth. In my opinion, prohibiting their
utilization not only will bring more awareness among public, but will also help in
building a sustainable future for humankind.
Feedback

Task Response

389 words.
All parts of the task are addressed but some are more fully covered than others.
Main ideas are relevant but some lack a clear focus.

WORD COUNT - NEEDS ATTENTION

word count of this essay is 389 words with almost 115 words combined for the
introduction and conclusion, 177 words for BP1 and 97 words in BP2.

The reason why I always push students to give reasons for their main idea(s) is to
avoid being at band 6 for TR since there is a very thin line between a point being
generalized or underdeveloped (and sometimes the writer may not even notice this)
- so if the task is well-developed, the target of band 8 TR becomes very likely.

Now does this mean 350-400 words? No, not really. One always has to consider the
time limit as well. Make every word count in essay writing. As noticed in this essay,
you generalize and repeat a lot of details in BP1 - this can also mean that you might
end up giving information which was not relevant to the task, and this can make your
TR score really low.

In my experience, essay with a word count between 280-330 has all requirements
covered. If you are aiming at a higher band score like 8.0, especially for TR and C&C,
your work can be around 300-330 range . However, in this case be careful to avoid:

i) repetition of words or information - this can reduce progression, and show a lack
of clear referencing.

ii) generalization - this can make your main idea(s) unclear to understand or you
might only touch the surface (while constantly repeating the same info) without
properly extending or supporting the main idea. Do not write 60 words for a point if
the same meaning can be conveyed with 30-35 words.

This is a serious problem in BP1 here.

More number of words definitely means more chances of making errors so this is
something candidates need to be always careful about . Some writers might have a
lot of errors in a 260-word essay while others can write 300+ words with absolute
accuracy so there are always exceptions - depending on their writing skills.

Make every word count.

INTRODUCTION

your introduction is 69 words in length.

Remember that introductions in IELTS essays should be very precise and not be
around 50-70 words in length. Every introduction has 2-3 (usually two sentences) with
the following:

1) General statement: this is to introduce the topic of your writing. Most candidates
usually paraphrase the statement given in the question prompt, and it is totally fine.

REMEMBER: make sure that you remain totally on topic with this statement. Some
writers try to 'impress' the examiner at this point by using complex vocabulary/ideas -
and this usually can be wrong. This is not a good impression at all.

'once considered the greatest invention of all time' - nowhere do you mention in this
essay the reason why it was considered 'greatest' at one point so this part adds
nothing to improve your score.

It would be totally fine if you started with:

single-use plastic has turned into a dreadful nightmare....

2) Thesis statement: This statement outlines what the essay will be about or what the
reader can expect in your writing.

In opinion essays, thesis statements are linked with your opinion so this is where you
introduce and highlight your position, and this is very important for you to do so
because you want to make your position/opinion VERY CLEAR to the examiner. You,
then, maintain this position throughout the response for band 7.0 and above.

You can also generally introduce the ideas you will possibly be talking about as you
do here.

But the phrases ' This essay will discuss' is not appropriate here. This is YOUR view so
use very clear language like I think, I believe, in my opinion..

for example: single-use plastic has turned into a dreadful nightmare for humankind,
and many people, therefore, suggest banning the use of these. I certainly agree with
this view because not only will it help reduce the impact on marine life but also create
more understanding among the masses.

When I read this part, I can understand that i) YOUR POSITION is in agreement ii)
reason 1 of marine life will be in BP2 and iii) reason 2 of awareness will be in BP2.

You can also note how a 69 word paragraph is now 46 words in length.
UNBALANCED PARAGRAPHS

You need to make sure that both paragraphs are of considerably an equal length. This
will not be much of a problem if you keep in mind that there should always be a
number of '2' in place be it supporting details or main ideas.

Now in this essay, you do give two supporting details in each paragraph, and there
are two main ideas in both paragraphs.

However, one paragraph is too lengthy and information there lacks focus as I have
mentioned 'generalization' previously, and the other paragraph is not clearly
developed and has generalized details as well. There is a clear difference of almost a
100 words here.

TR band 6 states: addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully
covered than others.

Even if your work is really good and has very strong supporting details, the fact that
there is this imbalance of word-length means that your score for TR will remain 6.0 -
due to all the related factors as mentioned above. This will also reduce your score for
C&C - highlighted in the next section.

IDEAS
BP1: main idea presented in this paragraph is a strong one. you present the view
about 'marine line' and how this waste, when ends up in waterways and oceans'
creates consequences for the marine life.

Many people just present some factual information without highlighting the impact
(positive or negative) of the given situation.

Not doing so can keep your work generalized. However, you manage to avoid this
mistake and say how it can have an effect on humans as well.

This is a strong main idea properly developed and extended, but the fact that it is
about 177 words in length hints at lack of clear focus and I highlight this in C&C.

General detail in BP1: 'unimaginable manners' - of what kind? You could just mention
one such consequence here to make your point a lot stronger.

BP2: This is a very interesting point. In these essays, people often write, 'instead of
placing a ban, give awareness to people' but your point is related. You argue that
once a ban is placed, a lot more people will become concious.

I would expect you to write a few more words here (10-20) making sure that all points
are clearly developed. General detail here:

- a more sustainable approach: why? because they are re-usable? are not harmful if
burnt, etc?
logical inconsistency: 'reduce the environmental burden'

This paragraph is mostly focused on lifestyle and how it will bring changes in
behaviour but you don't highlight how it will 'reduce the environmental
burden' - yes, this will make more sense once you further extend the 'more
sustainable approach point'

conclusion:

keep your conclusions short and precise. Your aim here is to re-state your
position and the main ideas using a different style (synonyms or paraphrasing) -
you do a good job here!

Do note that adding in the passive construction like: 'this essay summarized
why...'

you could simply write: in conclusion, I believe banning plastic bags makes an
ideal policy. Its prohibition will not only bring more awareness, but will also
help in building a sustainable future for humankind.

For your understanding:

here are the different approaches that you can take:

approach 1: I TOTALLY AGREE that plastic bags are creating pollution so there
must be a ban. This will be followed by two main ideas to support your
viewpoint.

approach 2: I TOTALLY DISAGREE that plastic bags are creating pollution so

there SHOULDN'T be a ban. This will be followed by two main ideas to support
your viewpoint.

approach 3: Placing a ban is not an option, and other solutions must be

considered. This will be followed by your main ideas about these other
solutions.

approach 4 (complex - requires better control of language):

placing a ban CAN BE useful to some extent, but other solutions must also be
considered. BP1: why ban can be useful, BP2: what other solutions must also
be considered.

This means a more well-developed response.

FOR BAND 8
You mention 2 points to support your main idea and these have strong supporting
details as well. I think it is better to aim at TR 8.0, for which you need to have a 'well-
developed response'. How do we do this?

Now, you don't have to write different paragraphs to just mention what other people
might think or say against this. This approach can work but there other ways as well.

What you can do is use some language features to express acknowledgment and/or
refutation to the other side of the idea, and then strengthen these points with YOUR
position (which are the words you already have in this writing).

You can do this by:

- mentioning what others might say against this OR what you think might be the
limiting factor - both of which should be followed by your strong details and use:

1) subordinate conjunctions 2) modality.

For example:

1. Although the return policies of many e-stores can be annoying for some people, I
think that services like same-day delivery have won the trust of many consumers.

2. School uniforms removes disparity between the rich and poor students because
everyone wears the same kind of clothing no matter what their social background is.

3. Purchasing school uniforms for their children can be an additional financial burden
for some families. However, I believe such a rule, in fact, removes disparity between
rich and poor students....

OR

Although purchasing school...for some families, I believe such a rule.... what their
social background is.

Notice how in all these examples, position remains clear and the acknowledgment
to the other side is also present. This tells the examiner that you have thought about
these supporting details/ ideas in detail. This is band 8.0 level.

AND: -limiting the IDEA within: approach no 4 means that you are trying to analyze
all parts of the question, so that also is a band 8.0 approach.

Expected band score: 7.0

can be 6.0– due to the imbalance of paragraphs. Be cautious!
 Coherence and Cohesion

ideas are logically arranaged.

Generalized details reduce a clear progression in BP1.
Topic sentences are accurately placed.
cohesive devices are used effectively.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

you have used words/phrases like 'one of the major reasons, therefore, for
instance. hence, in my opinion, in conclusion' and these are all accurately
placed.

Remember that there should be a mix of these phrases and other

conjunctions like the subordinate,coordinating and correlative so you can
add better cohesion not only between sentences but also within (ideas).
This improves your score for GRA as well.

You make good use of pronouns and this improves cohesion and gives it a
more natural flow.

However, there is constant repetition and generalization of idea(s) in BP1,

which shows lack of focus. This becomes a problematic aspect for both TR
and C&C. Explained on the next page.
FOCUS
For strong progression, it is important that your ideas 'unpack' as paragraph
progresses. this means giving more supporting details and extending these
points for the reader to fully understand you. Do not give any unclear/repeated
information. If something has already been mentioned in previous sentence(s),
you do not have to repeat it.

Make every word count. Precision is the key in IELTS Writing. If you can express
something using fewer words while maintaining a clear meaning, follow that.

In BP1, 85 words are written to explain the point that 'when garbage ends up in
waterways, it is often ingested by aquatic creatures and this creates severe
consequences'

However, this point becomes too extended and the sentence starting with 'in
recent times..' just repeats the same already understood idea.

'ingested by aquatic animals' = 'digestive system function' = 'found in their

guts'

You could add more clarity here by writing.

Estimates suggest that around 78% of waste is disposed in seas, and this is often
ingested by aquatic animals leading to severe consequences like toxicity and
blockage of digestive system. Online news/media outlets frequently share
horrendous pictures of dead marine creatures washing ashore with plastic bags
in their gut and this is quite alarming.

I've tried to use most of your information using about 55 words in contrast to
the 85 words written originally without losing any meaning.

A difference of 30-50 words due to adding more focus gives you the benefit of:

i) having balanced paragraphs

ii) more focus and no generalization
iii) lower risk of writing anything irrelevant/extra.

Be as focused as possible.

Expected band score: 6 .0 - weak progression

You can easily aim for 7-8 with clear focus and issues for TR fixed.
Lexical Resource

wide range of vocabulary used.

No spelling errors.
awareness of style (collocations) can be noticed.
some wrong word formations.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

use of words like 'clogged, substantial amount, dreaded nightmare,
repercussions, important segment, inseparable part, severe
consequences, horrendous pictures, unimaginable manners, human
existence, minimal use, advocating plastic ban.., cloth-made bags,
sustainable approach' are some examples of strong lexis in your writing.

It is clear that your use of vocabulary is really strong. Continue using

these for a strong score and you could really be aiming at band 8-9 in
this aspect.

some errors:
single use plastic = single-use plastic
ecofriendly solutions = eco-friendly solutions.

Expected band score: 8.0

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

mix of simple and complex structures. if conditions used.

use of relative clauses. S-V agreement is fine apart from 1 error.
punctuation is not faulty. errors with articles can be noticed.
use of correlative conjunctions.

Detailed explanation & suggestions for improvement:

You use conjunctions in your writing and this improves your score for C&C and GRA.

I will advise you to use more subordinating conjunctions like 'although, even though,
while, though' depending on the context. Continue using these grammatical features
accurately.

You make very good use of the first conditional 'IF + WILL' in BP1 to show the
possible negative outcome.

when using 'therefore' and 'hence' within a sentence where they are not introducing
a new independent clause, you need to have a comma before and after therefore..

correction: some people, therefore, suggest... OR Therefore, some people suggest...

SVA: ....number of news stories have emerged online that depicts... (news stories is
plural so the verb depict must be singular)

...number of news stores that emerged online DEPICT...

article corrections: - ...it will cause a havoc... (havoc is uncountable so no need of

writing 'a' ),.... clogged with substantial amount... (clogged with A substantial
amount..), ...can create an awareness... (..can create awareness..), in right direction
(in a/the right direction..)

abstract nouns like happiness, sadness, havoc, awareness are not countable so you
cannot have articles placed with these.

you use 'not only + but also' in your essay. You can try using 'not only' at the start
of a sentence and turn it into an inversion, which is GRA band 8.0 feature!

example:
not only will their (plastic bags) prohibition bring more awareness, but will also help
in building a more sustainable future for humankind.

Expected band score: 7.0 – avoid these article errors and your
score for GRA will definitely be higher
 TR CC LR GRA
7.0 6.0 8.0 7.0

OVERALL BAND SCORE 7.0 (closer to 6.5)

General comments:

At this point your work is worthy of a really high score. The

fact that your word count in BP1 hits around 177 words, and is
very generalized as compared to BP2 is a very problematic
issue, but I am sure you have understood how to handle this.

You deserve around band 7/8 easily in TR and CC so please

be careful to avoid these mistakes.

You have got strong command over the language features of

the writing task, and I am sure these issues will soon be fixed
as well. I appreciate all the hard work you are putting in and I
hope this feedback helps you!

COMMITTED TO YOUR SUCCESS