NOTES ON REALIZING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ESSENTIAL AND THE SECONDARY

A. Objectivity: making a distinction between the essential and the secondary

This chapter tries to encourage objectivity, especially in terms of people and situations,
beginning with the need to avoid confusion between the essential and the secondary, or superficial. As
the character states at the end, quoting his grandmother’s wisdom, “All that glitters is not gold.”

The first thing is to have a clear and sensible intention behind what we do and in this help the
students understand how to go to the essence of whatever they are analysing, instead of basing their
judgment on what is superficial: No! There may be things about others that we don’t like and which may
not be the things that really matter. But that should not keep us from getting to know them or trying to
know them as they are. Appearances can often be deceiving positively or negatively.

This is an essential lesson: many times appearances can be deceiving, positively or negatively.
While judging people, or circumstances, that which “seems” nice can be essentially harmful or bad, and
vice versa. For example, someone who according to our thinking and because of their appearance will be
bad, ugly or undesirable, may actually be good… you should not just judge him by what you see; instead
you should get to know him and understand him. If after getting to know what is important in that
person you still do not like him, well, then I have nothing to say.

B. Do not be fooled by appearances

-But what’s on the outside is a reflection of what’s on the inside, isn’t it?

-Not always. For example (Mr. Brown told me this once): Say you have two plates of food in front
of you. One will be elegantly served and the other one will not look very well. However, before you get
the chance to pick, you handed the lists of their ingredients and you see the first is very artificial and
contains chemicals that you know are not good for you and the second one contains vitamins and
underneath is your favourite dressing. Which one will you choose?

-The second one, but it could be presented well so you won’t make the wrong choice.

-Maybe, but this proves that you must not judge just base on appearances.

-But our outer aspect should be a reflection of our inner aspect,” Frankie strongly insisted.

-It should, but things are not always like that. Of course the best thing will be to always do good
things that will also appear good. However, you should not let yourself be tricked when appearance will
sell something bad as something good.

Two clear points are made:

1. It will not always be enough to engage in positive actions; these must also give a positive impression.

2. We must first judge the essential, the things deep inside, and then go ahead and proceed.

 
C. Objectivity in everything we do

Finally, this leads to the conclusion of the unit:

“Same as with Alan, I’ve decided that appearances can keep you away from what’s essential, from the
things that really matter. I’ve thought a lot about emotions and real happiness; and let me tell you, I
would never want to give up my happiness for a superficial and temporary feeling…”

In order to accomplish self-possession we must not mistake the superficial for the essential. This is a key
to handling and overcoming adversity and also a key to personal growth.
A. First testing by the negative group

Charles, while at first trying to hold on to his friendship with Alan, tries to get involved with the
group of troublemakers who have taken over a section of the schoolyard and are untouchable. His
strategy works, but he soon forgets Alan: I noticed the other kids looking at me, all those who were not
in the privileged corner. I felt privileged, special, in a separate category. Then they break a window and
leave Charles behind with no one to defend him. The shock of being abandoned by the group is a strong
one, but he is more shocked by the adults who hold him responsible and refer to him as troublemaker.
“Your parents will have to take care of the window and you are suspended for one day. I thought you
were a good kid.” The principal’s comments hurt my feelings and made me mad, but my silence
continued. All I could do was look down. “But I am not a bad kid, I just have a bad luck.”

Nonetheless, the group pretended to appreciate his loyalty and included him in their activities so they
could all hang out together: We sat there telling jokes and laughing about everyone, especially girls. I felt
strong, “untouchable.”

B. Peer pressure

Then they invite Charles to watch a movie at the house of one of them. Number one, he goes
out without permission; number two, there are no parents in the house. They are all by themselves.
They pass him a glass without telling him it is filled with beer and then it turns out that the movie they
are watching is an inappropriate video. When it’s time to go, they insist that he stay longer. Despite his
doubts and knowing that he is doing wrong, he gives in again and stays. Finally, he cannot take it any
longer and lets his friends know his feelings and goes home knowing he will be reprimanded.

C. Parent’s attitude

At first his mother is just worried, and then once she realizes that he is alright, she turns angry.
His father showed serenity.

I’ll never forget the expression on my father’s face. He calmly asked:

-Were you drinking, son?

-I swear I wasn’t, dad!

-There’s no need to swear, just tell me the truth.

That sentence stuck in my head: - just tell me the truth.

-No, dad, I was not drinking.

-All right, now tell me what happened…right from the beginning.

And there I was, telling my dad everything that had happened, except for the crying in my
bedroom, but then again, I think he knew.

-And what do you have to say for yourself?

 -I don’t know what to think, dad…it’s not an excuse, I just don’t know what to think.

-Okay…I understand. Do you realize how worried your mother was? Now, go apologize.

-Aren’t you going to ground me?

-No, I’m not. But after you’ve thought things over I would like you to come and tell me what you
think you can do to in order to remedy all this. It’s really up to you…and listen: I’m glad you’re alright.

My father didn’t yell at me or ground me, but I felt more than ever that he had taught me a
great lesson. This lesson evidently is the opposite of the previous one, in terms of teenage feelings. This
ambivalence is very obvious and it is necessary to show the importance of one’s own dignity and the
dignity of others, so as to find a balance.