NLP

& YOU
The Professional and Personal Applications
of Neuro Linguistic Programming

Gordon Young

1 of Australia's Leading NLP & Hypnotherapy

Practitioner & Facilitator

 About the author

WELCOME
Gordon Young is the director of the Institute of
Applied Psychology, a Registered Training Organisation. He
spreads his time between training therapists and coaches,
and working with corporations to highlight the benefits of
supporting the “human professional” in the workplace.

Gordon is the former President of the Australian Society

of Clinical Hypnotherapists, Chair of the Australian Board
of Neuro Linguistic Programming, Editor of the Australian
Journal of Clinical Hypnotherapy and Hypnosis, an appoint-
ed supervisor for the AHA, the Founder of Intra-Personal
Relationship Therapy, and a published author in the field.

Gordon Young

1 of Australia's Leading NLP &

v
Hypnotherapy Practitioner & Facilitator

CONNECT WITH US ON:

 Chapter 01
01 SO WHAT IS NLP?
Let’s start at the beginning. The most sophisticated struc-
ture in the known universe sits inside your head. Artificial
intelligence is only now starting to be able to replicate
some aspects of what the human mind can do. We have
an enormous capacity to learn and perform complex
tasks. Every single thing you currently do, there was a
time when you could not do it. At one point you couldn’t
walk or talk, you couldn’t sip from a cup or tie your own
shoelaces. The child you were did not have the skills, but
had the potential to do all that you can do now, and more.
Yet most of us never get close to our potential. Why?
Because despite all of the capacity of the human mind,
there is still a crucial missing piece that prevents us from
utilising all that we have up there. That missing piece is
the instruction manual. Most of us have no idea how it
works. In my experience, and in the experience of 1000s
of people that we have trained, NLP is the closest thing
we have to a user’s manual for the human mind, and as
such, an essential body of knowledge and skills to have
for yourself, and to teach your children.
NLP claims that we are all much more than we think we
are. It is a product of the human potential movement of
the 1970s, and focuses on our strengths and hidden re-
sources rather than the limitations that are a preoccupa-
tion for many.
So what is NLP?
NLP is the art and science of excellence, derived
NLP & YOU
from studying how the best people in any field attain
outstanding results. These outcomes are invariably
achieved through advanced skills of communication
and self-leadership, and can be learned by anyone to
improve their effectiveness both personally and pro-
fessionally. NLP embodies the attitude of curiosity with
people. How do they do what they do? It is also about
modelling skills: looking constantly for excellence in the
world so you can model it and use it. If you stop and
think about it, excellence is all around us, sometimes so
obvious that we miss it. NLP is about always increasing
the choices you have, knowing that we learn by acting
and experimenting, not by thinking about it.
NLP stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a name
that encompasses the three most influential compo-
nents of human experience: neurology, language and
programming. The neurological system regulates how
our bodies function. Language determines how we com-
municate with others and ourselves. And programming
determines the kinds of behavioural and cognitive pat-
terns we unconsciously rely on to get around. So Neu-
ro-Linguistic Programming describes the fundamental
dynamics between mind, language and behaviour.
NLP is also a model of how individuals structure their
unique experiences of life. It is only one way to think
about and organize the phenomenal complexity of hu-
man thought and communication. NLP is practical. It is
a set of models, skills and techniques for thinking and
NLP is also a model of how individuals structure their unique
experiences of life. It is only one way to think about and organize
the phenomenal complexity of human thought and communica-
tion. NLP is practical. It is a set of models, skills and techniques
for thinking and acting effectively in the world.
A simple way to think about NLP is a method of reprogram-
ming your nervous system through the use of language, NLP
was created by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the Santa
Cruz Mountains in 1976. Richard Bandler was a mathematician.
They decided to study three great therapists. They chose ther-
apy as a starting point because they were interested in how we
can affect and persuade, and in therapy the change could be
immediate and easily recognizable. These three were known for
extraordinary results, well above the general population in their
fields.
They studied Fritz Perlz who was a Gestalt therapist, Virginia
Satir who was a family therapist, and Milton Erickson who was
a hypnotherapist, and therein lies the connection between NLP
and hypnosis, one of the many that we’ll come to find out.
Now, there’s two ways that you can think about Neuro Linguistic
Programming.
The first way is a set of modelling tools that you can use to
observe, model and reproduce excellence in any field. And the
NLP & YOU
He studied formulas. He was actually the teaching assistant for
John Grinder who was a linguist at Santa Cruz University, and he
studied the structure of language.
NLP was born out of the quest to discover a way to model the
most effective people. They wanted to find out how those who
were highly effective with their communication did it. They
wanted to see whether they could recognize patterns or com-
monalities, and then create a formula to replicate that model and
teach it to others.
second way is as a set of processes or techniques that have been
curated over the years as a result of that modelling process. So
down the road we’ll be learning about different processes like
submodality shifts, decision destroyers, strategy elicitations and
conflict integrations.
Now, what is it good for? Why invest time and money in to the
attainment of an NLP toolbox? NLP is a proven method to man-
age your internal state, that is to say, how you feel inside. This is
crucial to help you stay resourceful during stressful times. These
could be in your personal or professional life, and it gives you a
high degree of behavioural flexibility (I prefer the term agility) in
difficult situations.
In essence, all of NLP is founded on
two fundamental presuppositions

1) The Map is Not the Territory. There are at least two

worlds in which we operate. There is an external world,
and an internal world. As human beings, we can never
know reality. We can only know our perceptions of real-
ity. We experience and respond to the world around us
primarily through our senses – sight, sound, touch, taste
and smell. That part we can perceive is further filtered
by our unique experiences, culture, language, beliefs, val-
ues, interests and assumptions. These learned filters sift,
simplify and categorize. Why? Because the world is so
vast and rich that we have to simplify to give it meaning.
Map making is a good analogy for what we do; it is how
we make meaning of the world. Maps are selective, they
leave out as well as give information, and they are invalu-
able for exploring the territory. The sort of map you make
depends on what you notice, and where you want to go.

The map is not the territory it describes. We attend to

those aspects of the world that interest us and ignore
others. The world is always richer than the ideas we have
about it. It is typically not the external world that limits or
empowers us, but rather our interpretation of the world
– our inner maps of reality. Very narrow beliefs, interests
and perceptions will make the world impoverished, pre-
dictable and dull. The very same world can be rich and
exciting. The difference lies not in the world, but in the
filters through which we perceive it.

Look at the images to the left. The first is a satellite view

of the Sydney CBD. The second image is a Google map.
They are of the same territory and yet they are quite
different. The map is a representation of the area. It is
not the area as it truly is. It is designed to show you the
streets. Its purpose is to help you find directions. It does
not aim to include all of the information about the area.
It has removed all extraneous information apart from the
streetscape. It has been deliberately simplified so that
you can use it more effectively when negotiating the
roads. It is however, not a true model of what is actually
there and never could be whilst it has that function.
Pessimism Versus Optimism
Let’s look at the simple example of pessimism as a filter
Pessimism is defined as a state of mind in which one
anticipates undesirable outcomes or believes that the
hardships in life outweigh the positives.
The most common example of this phenomenon is the
“Is the glass half empty or half full?” chestnut. But this
is not based on the reality of the world. It is not based
on unbiased observation. It is of course a learned pro-
jection. We are talking about expectancy about the fu-
ture, and it is by definition, a fabrication. The truth is
that neither pessimism or optimism are based in reality.
Having said that optimists tend to live longer, be more
affluent, recover better from illness and accidents, and
report better levels of wellbeing and happiness. So giv-
en these factors why would you be a pessimist? Well
firstly you don’t consciously choose it. But secondly it
serves a purpose. It gives the person a sense of protec-
tion. They don’t get excited about things and so don’t
get disappointed when they don’t work out. They don’t
invest too heavily in anything and often think they are
safer as a result. They avoid risk and loss. They will never
make the big mistakes that a rampant optimist might
make, but they will never win either.
If you lean towards pessimism, this is a filter you want to
turn around because it limits your success across almost
every context, and it operates largely outside of your
conscious awareness. The people who are most effec-
tive are the ones who have a map of the world that al-
lows them to perceive the greatest number of available
choices and perspectives. NLP is a way of enriching the
choices that you have and perceive as available in the
world around you. Excellence comes from having many
choices. Wisdom comes from having multiple perspec-
tives.
2. Life and ‘Mind’ are Systemic
Processes
Everything in life is a process. That is to say there are a
series of steps, often in a particular order and sequence.
Most things we consider as static are not. Even you
yourself do not exist as a static entity. There is no YOU
that is fixed. You have changed over the years in ways
that you recognize, and in ways that you will never rec-
ognize.
You are constantly changing physically, emotionally and
spiritually. Your moods and perspectives are largely fluid
and ever changing. There is constant cell regeneration,
gas exchanges and neural pathways being set up whilst
others are disconnecting. Your body is constantly mak-
ing adjustments in order to move you towards an opti-
mal state of balance called homeostasis. This movement
towards balance is reflected in the world around us as
well. You cannot effectively isolate any part of the system
you are a part of, from the rest of the system. There is
no internal without an external. There is no YOU with-
out others. All of the models and techniques of NLP are
based on the combination of these two principles. In the
belief system of NLP it is not possible for human beings
to know objective reality. Wisdom, ethics and ecology do
not derive from having the one ‘right’ or ‘correct’ map of
the world, because human beings would not be capable
of making one. Rather, the goal is to create the richest
empowerment. You are responsible, that is to say you are the
source, of all of your choices, both conscious and unconscious.
I see this as a crucial element - you must be willing to accept
this if you are going to make NLP work for you in any mean-
ingful way in your life.
Most people struggle with the concept that they are in charge
of anything very much. They often feel at the mercy of others
or circumstances, even down to how they themselves feel in
any given moment. And while these factors can influence your
life, they don’t control it. This is the fundamental mistake most
people make. They habitually attribute responsibility externally
and as a result, disempower themselves constantly. Responsi-
bility is not about blame. It’s about choice. If you break down
the word, we are talking about the ability to respond. It is only
those with the ability to respond that get to run their own lives
NLP & YOU
map possible that respects honours the systemic nature
of the world.
What the Hell is NLP Really?
NLP is an attitude and a methodology that leaves behind a
trail of techniques.” Richard Bandler
For me this is the most valuable definition of NLP. NLP is an
attitude, an approach to life. It’s about curiosity, a willingness
to experiment, to take charge and get a result. It equates to
If you tend to run this pattern and don’t relinquish it, you can
only get an intellectual understanding of the approach - some-
thing you can pontificate on at dinner parties without truly
adopting it yourself. I will say that most people I have met who
do NLP, never truly get it. At best they get the trail of tech-
niques. At best adopting an NLP attitude to life will change
your life completely and open you up to a world of excep-
tional possibilities. At the other end of the scale, a cursory
engagement or understanding of NLP will probably improve
your communication and interpersonal skills a little, and make
you a little less anxious.
The same process is operant right here, right now. As you en-
gage with this book, how you take on board what is on offer
will be individual to you.
 Chapter 02
02
LET’S TALK
ABOUT FRAMING?
We have many natural, useful and necessary filters.
Language is a filter. It is a map of our thoughts and ex-
periences, removed a further level from the real world.
Think for a moment what the word ‘love’ means to you.
No doubt you have memories and experiences, internal
pictures, sounds and feelings that let you make sense
of that word. Equally, someone else will have different
memories and experiences and will think about that
word in a different way. Who is right? Both of you!
How? Because it comes down to your subjective ex-
perience of life. Some of you might be cynics, others
hopeless romantics, others somewhere in between.
The word love is not the experience it describes; it’s a
symbol of that experience, and symbols are invariably
open to interpretation.
Our beliefs also act as filters, causing us to act in cer-
tain ways and to notice some things at the expense
of others. All generalizations about people are untrue
somewhere, because everyone is unique. If you were to
say Americans are patriotic, you are right except when
you are not. NLP offers a way of thinking; it is itself a
filter. So NLP does not claim to be objectively true. It
is a model, and models are meant to be useful. There
are some basic ideas in NLP that are very useful. We
invite you to behave as if they are true and notice the
difference that makes. By changing your filters, you can
change your world.
Some of the NLP basic filters are often referred to as
Behavioural Frames. A frame is the word we use to de-
fine or describe the boundaries around an experience
or an event. This is usually outside of our conscious
awareness, like other filters that operate. Yet it creates
automatic ways of thinking about things.
NLP & YOU
The first is an orientation towards outcomes rather than
problem. This means finding out what you and others
want, finding what resources you have, and using these
resources to move towards your stated outcome.
The problem orientation is often referred to as the
‘Blame Frame’. This means analysing what is wrong in
great detail. It means asking questions like: ‘Why do I
have this problem? How does it limit me? Whose fault
is it?’ These sorts of questions do not usually lead any-
where useful. Asking them will leave you feeling worse
than when you started, and does nothing towards solv-
ing the problem.
The second frame is to ask How rather than Why ques-
tions. How questions will get you an understanding of
the structure of a problem. Why questions tend to in-
vite speculation. You are likely to get a story. The rea-
sons and justifications which do not support growth or
change.
The third frame is Feedback versus Failure. One of the
NLP presuppositions is that there is no failure, only
feedback. Failure is just a way of describing a result you
did not want. You can use the results you get to redirect
your efforts. Feedback keeps the goal in view. Failure is
a dead end. Two very similar words, yet they represent
two totally different ways of thinking.
The fourth frame is to consider Possibilities rather than
Necessities. Again this is a shift in focus. Look at what
you can do, rather than the constraints of a situation.
Often the barriers are less formidable than they appear.
Finally, NLP adopts an attitude of Curiosity and Fasci-
nation rather than making Assumptions. This is a very
simple idea and has profound consequences. Young chil-
dren learn quickly because they are incredibly curious
about almost everything. They do not know and they
know they do not know, so they are not worried about
looking silly if they ask.
As adults we run something known as cognitive disso-
nance. This is the propensity to screen all new informa-
tion through the filter of what we already know or have
become attached to, and if it doesn’t match we tend to
rejected it.
Gallileo was nearly burnt as a heretic for pronouncing
that the earth was round. There was a time when ev-
eryone knew that human flight was a pipedream, and
of course to run 100 metres in under 10 seconds was
physiologically impossible.
Another useful idea is that we all have, or can create,
the inner resources we need to achieve our goals. You
are more likely to succeed if you act as if this were true.
A Personal Note:
I differ from most NLP Trainers here. I do not believe
that you have all of the resources you need to succeed.
NLP is frequently taught in a very absolutist way. I ac-
knowledge that sometimes it would be useful to believe
you have all the resources that you need, but nothing is
universally useful.
I believe we have much more resource that we currently
access, but if we had all the resources we need there
would be no value in adult education. Sometimes we
don’t have all that we need but we do have the capacity
to learn the skills and attitudes we need.
If we don’t acknowledge our skills gap, we don’t go look-
ing for what is missing. We run the risk of oversimplify-
ing and believing that all we need is the right mindset.
This is absolutely not true. You need the right mindset,
skills and knowledge as well as a useful process to fol-
low. Without all of these things in unison, you are not
going anywhere fast.
 “THE UNCONSCIOUS MIND IS VERY SMART WHERE
IT IS SMART, AND VERY DUMB WHERE IT IS DUMB”
BILL O’HANLON STUDENT OF MILTON H ERICKSON AND A CONTRIBUTOR

TO THE IAP HYPNOTHERAPY PROGRAMME

The Conscious and
Unconscious Premise
The notion of conscious and unconscious is central to
this model of how we learn. In NLP, something is con-
scious when it is in present moment awareness, as this
sentence is right now. Something is unconscious when
it is not in present moment awareness.
The memory of when you first went to a mall and saw
Santa, is almost certainly out of conscious awareness
until I just mentioned it. If you have ever helped a young
child learn to ride a bicycle, you will be aware of just
how unconscious that skill has become in yourself. And
the process of transforming your last meal into ener-
gy, hair and fingernails is likely to remain forever un-
conscious. We live in a culture that believes that we do
most of what we do consciously. Yet most of what we
do, and what we do best, we do unconsciously.
The Myth of the Conscious
and Unconscious Minds
At this point I would like to make a distinction that is
either overlooked or misunderstood, even by NLP Train-
ers and other professionals. We often talk about the
conscious and unconscious minds as if they were places
within our neurology. The truth is there is no such place
as your unconscious mind, and there is no such place
as your conscious mind. These terms are metaphorical
for those internal processes your are aware of – your
conscious mind, and those processes we are largely un-
aware of, which are unconscious or non-conscious to
you.
People I work with in my clinic often talk about some
problem locked in the unconscious mind, as if there is a
vault that they cannot get access to. Often their theory
is that if I help them gain access, then all will be well.
Well there is no vault. The separation between con-
scious and unconscious process is more of a veil, and
you can bring the unconscious in to consciousness as
you become more self aware and start to notice pat-
terns. It is my hope that this training will assist you to
become more self aware, knowing that you are large-
ly a collection of patterns, some good, some not so
good, and that you can change anything you become
consciously aware of. Typically awareness begins the
process, because you have to notice something before
you can set your intention to change it. With NLP tech-
niques virtually anything internal is malleable. For the
purposes of this training we will continue to use the la-
bels of conscious and unconscious minds for simplicity,
but know that we don’t believe in their existence per se.
 Chapter 03
03
YOU CANNOT NOT
COMMUNICATE
Communication is a multifaceted word that covers just about
any interaction with others: casual conversation, influencing,
teaching, and negotiating.
What does ‘communication’ mean? The word is a static noun,
but really communication is a cycle or loop that involves
at least two people. You cannot communicate with a wax-
work dummy because there would be no response. When
you communicate with another person, you perceive their
response, and react with your own thoughts and feelings.
Your ongoing behaviour is generated by your own internal re-
sponses to what you see and hear. It is only by paying atten-
tion to the other person that you have any idea at all about
what to say or do next. Your partner is responding to your
behaviour in the same way.
You communicate with your words, with your voice quality,
and with your body: postures, gestures, and expressions. Ba-
sically you cannot not communicate. Some message is con-
veyed even if you say nothing and keep still. So communi-
cation involves a message that passes from one person to
another. How do you know that the message you give is the
message they receive? You have probably had the experience
of making a neutral remark to someone, and being amazed
at the meaning they read into it. How can you be sure the
meaning they get is the meaning you intend?
Communication is so much more than the words we say. In
NLP as well as many corporate trainings and even TED talks,
there is an the oft quoted research that states that words
form only 7 percent of the communication, whilst 55 per cent
of the impact is determined by your body language - posture,
gestures and eye contact, and 38 per cent by your tone of
voice.
NLP & YOU
(Mehrabian and Ferris, ‘Inference of Attitudes from Nonver-
bal Communication in Two Channels’ in The Journal of Coun-
selling Psychology Vol. 31, 1967, pp.248-52.)
N.B. This piece of research only relates to very specific con-
texts. I suggest you don’t go around quoting the numbers.
They are inaccurate for most communication. Think about it.
If you could absorb 93% of communication through non-ver-
bal communication, you should understand someone speak-
ing in a different language. Try it and you will soon discover
that yes, you might be able to pick up the tones or general gist
sometimes, but understand them you do not! The important
thing to see here is that there is a considerable non-verbal
contribution to communication but words are still a very im-
portant component.
Another example is acting. Actors need to memorise their
lines, but what makes them great actors is not their memory.
It is the way they can convince the audience that their char-
acter, and their experience, is authentic.
This comes from how they can convey emotion and mean-
ing. This comes down to tone and body language. Have you
ever watched a first draft script reading when the actors don’t
know the pitch or tone of delivery as yet. At this point the
words are just squiggles on a page. They have no meaning
or life.
Most of us express many shades of meaning in everyday
conversation and probably also have a dozen different ways
to say ‘no’, only we do not consciously think about them. If
the words are the content of the message, then the postures
gestures, expression, and voice tonality are the context in
which the message is embedded, and together they make the
meaning of the communication.
 Chapter 03
Let’s talk about the NLP
Communication Model?
We have already alluded to aspects of this. Now it might be use-
ful to review the process in its entirety.
The NLP Communication Model explains how we absorb infor-
mation from the outside world. Events can happen, significant or
otherwise. As human beings we have to make sense of events
and the world at large. So something could happen like winning
a final, or your first kiss, or a world tragedy like 9/11. All of this
information streams through the senses of sight, sound, touch,
taste and smell. (In the NLP literature this is known as VAKOG
which stands for Visual, Auditory, Kineasthetic, Olfactory and
Gustatory) We are bombarded at a rate of roughly 2,000,000 bits
per second. However, we have no way of processing that much
information so we simplify the world down by taking what we
deem to be important and ignoring what we decide is peripheral.
We go through a process of deleting, distorting and generalising
the information. Each one of these processes filters information
until we get 134 bits of information or 7+ or -2 chunks which
forms our internal representation (IR) or perception of events.
In conjunction with our physiology this IR determines our emo-
tional state. This is a crucial piece of the process because many
of our skills, our objectivity, the way we assess risk and relate are
state dependent. Look at your own experience. Haven’t you lost
any capacity to be logical or articulate when confronted with a
stressful or challenging conversation. If you are like most people,
it was not until after you left the scene that your communication
and problem solving skills returned.
Moreover, the fact that we delete, distort and generalise begs
another question. Are we doing this effectively, or are we leaving
out really important pieces of information. All of our biases are
determined by the how we delete, distort and generalise.
Just look at an example that I frequently use in live NLP Practi-
tioner Certifications. I pretend I am a person who believes that
women are terrible drivers and basically should not be allowed
on the road. I state that this is my bias. Now biases don’t just
come out of thin air. I will have made a decision which will inevi-
tably be a gross generalization, but it has to be fed and nurtured
constantly through experience. Our filtering system will look to
make us right, not so much because of our ego, but because un-
NLP & YOU
certainty is unwelcome. Human beings have a variant tolerance
for uncertainty. The uncertain spaces of our lives invite confusion
and potential threats. We feel better when we believe we under-
stand a situation or the world around us. This encourages us to
make broad statements that oversimplify the world around us.
If we are right we tend to feel comfortable that we understand
what’s going on. It’s like standing on solid ground compared to
shifting sand.
So how would I have to do it? Well I would have to keep finding
evidence to support my belief. I would have to notice a woman
driver doing something that I would consider poor driving. I could
include driving erratically, doing three point turns where they
shouldn’t, driving too fast, too slow, or changing lanes without
an indicator. Its my bias and I get to include any infraction I like.
When I see a woman doing what I deem to be the wrong thing,
I would say something to myself like, “that is exactly what I’m
talking about.” This is known as a confirmation bias. I see what
confirms my view. I have to then use that one incident as evi-
dence that all woman cannot be trusted behind the wheel. There
is the generalization.
However, in the same period of time that I was focused on one
woman who hasn’t driven well, hundreds of women have driven
past me doing a very good job, and I have simply not noticed
them. Moreover, there are other things I have not noticed. What
about the men who did something silly or dangerous? In order
for me to maintain my bias I will have to delete or distort that
information.
Then there is the issue of when I do something silly as I am bound
to do at some point. I’m going to minimize that too. Typically we
explain our own mistakes as circumstantial > I was tired, I was
distracted etc etc. whilst for others we see it as a character flaw.
So, I will distort or delete altogether some evidence, and latch
on to other evidence. I actually have to rework the reality quite
significantly to find the evidence to support my position. I have
to exaggerate the negatives of a female driver and generalizing
it I have to distort or delete any evidence that does not serve.
This is done seamlessly but I’m not really dealing with the world
around me, I am dealing with the world within me, and the exter-
nal reality is always secondary.
NLP & YOU
 Chapter 04
04
THE NATURE OF
PERCEPTION
Perception is Projection
The idea of being able to understand an infinitely complex
world with a conscious mind that can only hold about sev-
en pieces of information at once, is obviously ludicrous. So
how do we do it? We make lots of generalisations. We delete
copious amounts of information based on our own unique
personal filters or biases. Certain things will look or feel perti-
nent to you, and certain things won’t. And as a result of that,
you will miss significant chunks of information that you would
have gotten otherwise. Significant chunks of information that
someone else might immediately notice right off the bat. A
pessimist and an optimist can be looking at exactly the same
situation and one can see opportunity whilst the other can
see challenge.
So what we do is we make this map, this limited, skewed, dis-
torted, minuscule version of what’s going on out there, and then
we figure out what to do with it. Initially it’s just information in
our minds, but instead of analysing the information objectively,
we screen everything through our existing databases. We fill
in the blanks. We project our past experiences in to the space.
Windows and Doors
If the loop of communication has any beginning, it starts with
our senses. As Aldous Huxley pointed out, the doors and
windows of perception are the senses, our eyes, nose, ears,
mouth and skin, and these are our only points of contact with
the world.
Even these points of contact are not what they seem. Take
your eyes, for example, your ‘windows on the world’. Well,
they are not. Not windows at any rate, nor even a camera.
NLP & YOU
Have you ever wondered why a camera doesn’t always cap-
ture the essence of the visual image that you saw? The eye
is much more intelligent than a camera. The individual recep-
tors, the rods and cones of the retina, respond not to the light
itself, but to changes or differences in the light.
Sight is actually a very complex process. The image is pro-
jected upside down onto the retina, coded into electrical im-
pulses by the rods and cones and reassembled from these
by the visual cortex of the brain. The resulting picture is then
projected ‘out there’, but it is created deep inside the brain.
The brain itself has no tangible contact with the world. It is
after all a sealed chamber. So it is in many ways translating in
a language that it has never actually experienced.
So we see through a complex series of active perceptual
filters. The same is true of our other senses. The world we
perceive is not the real world. It is a map made by our neurol-
ogy. What we pay attention to in the map is further filtered
through our beliefs, interests and preoccupations.
We can learn to allow our senses to serve us better. The abili-
ty to notice more, and make finer distinctions in all the senses
can significantly enrich the quality of life, and is an essential
skill in many work areas. A Masterchef Judge needs a very
discriminating palate; a musician needs the ability to make
fine auditory distinctions. A carpenter must have a good feel
for their materials, and a painter must be sensitive to the nu-
ances of colour and shape.
Training of this nature is not so much seeing more than others
as knowing what to look for, learning to perceive the differ-
ence that makes the difference. The development of a rich
awareness in each of our physical senses is sensory acuity,
and an explicit goal of NLP training.
Body Language
So there is no guarantee that the other person understands
what you mean. The answer goes back to outcome, acuity
and flexibility. You have an outcome for the communication.
You notice what responses you are getting, and you keep
changing what you do or say until you get the response you
want.
To be an effective communicator, act on the principle that:
This is something that has been levelled at NLP. That it is all
about manipulation. Unfortunately there are rogue trainers
who do encourage students to use their newfound commu-
nication skills in ways that are unecological and they certainly
give the rest of us a bad name.
However, NLP was born out of a desire to include wisdom,
choice and ecology at the deepest of levels.
The truth is, you already influence others, the only choice is
whether to be conscious or unconscious of the effects you
create. The only question is, can you influence with integrity?
NLP & YOU
The meaning of the communication is the response that you
get.
We are constantly attempting to influence people. All ther-
apy, management, education and indeed parenting involve
influencing and communication skills. There is a paradox that
while no one would be interested in learning skills that are
not effective, effective skills may be denigrated and labelled
as manipulation. Manipulation carries a negative connota-
tion that you are somehow forcing a person to do something
against their best interests.
Is the influence you are having in alignment with your val-
ues? NLP techniques are neutral. As with money, how it is
used and what it is used for depends on the intentions of
the person who has the money. With money, one can feed a
village, or pay some undesirables to evict the villagers. Money
is value neutral. It is just a resource. It is the intent that is the
determiner of outcome.
The same is true of NLP.
 Chapter 03
Representational Systems
You may have noticed that people have very different ways
of describing what they’re experiencing. This is what is re-
ferred to as Representational systems (rep systems) in NLP.
Paying closer attention to eye patterns and the words peo-
ple choose to describe their experience of the world enables
us to understand more precisely how to communicate with
others as well as ourselves.
We use all of the representational systems. However, we
tend to have a preference. Research suggests that in a de-
veloped countries, around 60% of people are predominantly
visual with 20% Auditory and 20% Kinesthetic. Something
to keep in mind is that each of us has our representational
system that has been filtered and distorted based on our ex-
periences.
Spotting Representational Systems
The simplest way is to listen to the words that someone uses
and connect the words to one of our senses which are vi-
sual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, and gustatory. We also
refer to another system that plays a part which we call ID/
AD (internal dialogue, Auditory Digital). Let’s explore some
examples:
Visual - When someone says ‘picture’ this when they are
NLP & YOU
wanting you to understand what they are talking about.
Auditory - Let me ‘tell’ you more about it
Kinaesthetic - It ‘feels’ just right when I’m there
In most circumstances and for the majority of people, three
senses dominate in mental processing.
Visual
Often individuals who are visual stand or sit with their heads
and bodies erect, with their eyes up. They will be breathing
from the top of their lungs. You will find them sitting forward
in chairs and tend to be organised, neat, well-groomed and
orderly. They memorise by seeing pictures and often have
trouble remembering verbal instructions. A visual person will
be interested in how something LOOKS. Appearances are im-
portant to them.
Auditory
People who are auditory will move their eyes sideways, al-
most searching for words (more on eye patterns here) and
they breathe from the middle of their chest. They tend to talk
to themselves and are easily distracted by noises, (some even
move their lips when they speak to themselves.) They can
repeat things back to you quickly, they learn by listening, and
 Chapter 04

usually like music and talking on the phone. They memorise and they tend to play a secondary role.
by steps, procedures, and sequences. The auditory person
Knowing what you know now you’re able to go out and play
likes to be TOLD how they’re doing and responds well to the
in your work, with your friends and family. Ask questions and
tone of voice or set of words. They will be interested in what
listen to the words they use when they respond. This is the
you have to SAY.
tip of the iceberg and if you would like to learn more, and
continue to improve your communication skills, contact us.
Kinaesthetic
People who are kinaesthetic will typically be breathing from Primary vs. Lead Representational Systems
the bottom of their lungs, so you’ll see their stomach go in
Within the representational systems, we have a primary and
and out when they breathe. They often move and talk very,
lead system. The lead system is accessed instinctively and in
very, slowly. They respond to physical rewards and touch.
most cases may not reflect the thinking pattern. For example,
They also stand closer to people than a visual person. They
when asked a question, a person may naturally look up and
memorise by doing or walking through something. They will
left (Visual Recall) as they recall an image.
be interested in how something FEELS in regards to their
wants and needs. The primary system is that we use most during communica-
tion (i.e. a predominantly Auditory) and may be different from
the lead system.
Internal Dialogue/Auditory Digital
The ability to match someone’s representational system en-
This person will spend a fair amount of time talking to them-
ables you to build rapport a lot faster and possibly to better
selves. They will want to know that what you’re offering
results. How will you play with this tool?
MAKES SENSE, is it logical, follows a structure, etc.
How can you go play with this now?
The other two senses, Gustatory (taste) and Olfactory (smell),
are closely associated and are often considered jointly as one

NLP & YOU

 Chapter 05
05
PRESUPPOSITIONS
OF NLP
The Presuppositions of NLP
These are the guiding principles which form the foundation
of NLP. They have been modelled from key people who con-
sistently produced superb results, as well as from systems
theory and natural laws.
These presuppositions are concerned with how we may live
our lives in a positive way, and how we can think and com-
municate more effectively. We must make a distinction here.
These are not rules and should not be used as such. They are
convenient assumptions, which if used appropriately, offer
you a roadmap on how to operate in the world. The benefits
could almost be immediate as NLP is based on practical ex-
perience rather than theory. You may find as you explore this
further that the details vary depending on where you refer-
ence them, but the essence of them is the same.
Have respect for the other person’s model of the world.
We are all unique and experience the world in different ways.
We all acquire our map through a complex web of experience
and decision-making. If you cannot respect someone’s map
(which does not mean you have to agree with it) you cannot
work with them effectively, even if it is to help them change
that same map.
The map is not the territory.
People respond to their ‘map’ of reality, not to reality itself.
How people make sense of the world around them is subjec-
tive and over simplified, and as such, cannot accurately rep-
resent the world. There is a saying that perception is reality,
and reality is perception.
NLP & YOU
Mind and body are connected.
Your mental attitude affects your body and your health and,
in turn, how you behave.
If what you are doing isn’t working, do something else.
Flexibility is the key to success. There is something called the
Law of Requisite Variety. Basically it purports that the most
flexible element of the system will eventually run the system.
Choice is better than no choice. Having options can provide
more opportunities for achieving results.
You cannot not communicate
Even when we remain silent, we are communicating. Non-ver-
bal communication can account for a large proportion of a
message. Some argue that it is 93%. As I have said before I
believe this figure to be overstated, but the significance of
unconscious communication cannot be denied.
The meaning of your communication is the response you get.
While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other per-
son’s interpretation and response that reflects your effective-
ness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that
the message you send equals the message they receive. How
do we do that? We take 100% responsibility for the message.
If you are thinking this is not realistic, you are right.
We don’t get to determine how someone interprets our
words. However, if we habitually take full responsibility, when
there is a communication gaff, we will be more proactive in
adjusting our approach and learning from it because we are
not blaming the other person. Once we allocate blame else-
where, there is nothing for us to review and we don’t learn.
 Chapter 05
The ultimate outcome is that we will become a more precise
and effective communicator.
Everyone does the best the can with the resources they
have at the time.
This is the forgiveness clause of NLP. We all make decisions
based on what we deem to be the best choice we can come
up with at the time. This may not be ideal, but if we had come
up with something better, we would have pursued it in all
likelihood.
There are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful states.
This is a truly valuable one as I see it. It helps us make a
distinction between the person and the behaviour, or their
state of mind. A person is not their mindset, their thoughts
or feelings, their behaviours or choices. They are much more
than all of that. I agree with Eckhart Tolle who says, that you
are the presence behind all of this.
There is no failure, only feedback.
If we could truly embrace this one, we would be unstoppable.
What seemed like failure can be thought of as success that
just stopped too soon. With this understanding, we can stop
blaming ourselves and others, find solutions and improve the
quality of what we do.
Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention.
When we understand that other people have some positive
intention in what they say and do (however annoying and
negative it may seem to us), it can be easier to stop getting
angry and start to move forward. A good deal of the time it
is to placate a negative feeling in themselves and bring back
NLP & YOU
balance. To give you an extreme example, it is not uncommon
for serial killers to talk about the terrible tension that would
build up in them that they found killing someone resolved.
Hence the positive intention was to alleviate an unpleasant
feeling. Remember, it is not about something positive for ev-
eryone.
Anything can be accomplished if the task is broken down
into small enough steps.
This is a crucial presupposition and is often forgotten in NLP.
This is because many NLP trainers have found themselves
caught up in the personal development fraud that everything
comes down to your mindset. Henry Ford once famously
said, “If you can believe you can achieve”. But this is not true.
You need more than belief.
You need skills and the steps to complete the task.
This leaning toward magical thinking and the reliance on uni-
versal laws of attraction which, appealing as they may be, can
keep people stuck for years. It tends to ignore the fact that
you have to do something to achieve. The world does not
respond to your thoughts. It responds to your actions.
As discussed earlier the mindset piece is really about fram-
ing what you see in the world. The more positive you are,
the more you see opportunities as opportunities, and not as
challenges.
True achievement comes from recognizing that everything is
a process, a series of steps that are actionable. NLP can help
you learn how to analyze what needs to be done and find
ways to be both efficient and effective.
 Chapter 06

06
PERSONAL
APPLICATIONS
OF NLP

count on life’s fun meter increasing several points! essary tools to run their own brains. Before they took
NLP courses, they weren’t sure about how the brain ran,
The Power of NLP Training and they didn’t think about it in those terms. Also, they

for Enriching Your Life
People often ask how NLP changed their lives. Some-
times, this may come up in a conversation when some-
one wants to know the exact benefits of NLP courses.
Or, it may come up during a television or radio inter-
view, or by people just trying to pass time as they travel
to a destination on a train or plane. When people think
about the changes in their own lives since finding NLP
training, it almost seems too good to be true.
At the core of how NLP improved and changed their
lives is the central theme. NLP gave them all of the nec-
had no idea how to take control of their own brains.
NLP training changed all of that for them. It gave them
knowledge of a language that let them think of such
things, and it then gave processes or patterns which
they used to get their brain to do as they wished.
Sometimes, people are astonished when they think of
their pre-NLP days when their brains seemed to have
minds of their own, and their emotional states seemed
to “get” them rather than “getting” them. They learned
that each experience comes with a structure, and that
NLP training helped them identify that structure and use
it to their benefit. It also gave them a sense of self-con-

NLP & YOU

trol over any and every experience they encountered.
All of these things apply to their lifestyles, health, busi-
nesses and relationships. Using NLP, they were able
to discover the wealth building structure that allowed
them to stop working for money, and instead, make
money work for them. They were able to take charge in
their careers in a way they never thought possible.
They became financially independent, and they no lon-
ger feel the pressure of bills. Instead, they’re free to
choose a lifestyle based directly on their visions and
personal values. The “Games” they play involving what
people say and do, their interactions with other people,
and how they think and feel are all functions to their
Frame (frame of mind). This Frame describes the latest
way people talk about the structure of excellence using
NLP. They love, live, work and play as they do in accor-
dance with their Frame Games.
It’s just as simple, and it’s just as profound as that. Peo-
ple love the power in these models because, if they
want a new Game because they’re sick and tired of
the old Game’s playoffs, they’re able to change it by
changing the Game’s rules. That’s the true power of
NLP training for making people’s lives fuller and richer.
NLP for Love and Relationships
Learning NLP should have an immediate and positive effect
on your relationship. I think it’s fair to say that an intimate
relationship is the pivot point in most people’s lives and yet
nobody taught us how to find or run a great relationship. Our
schools did not teach us how to coexist with another human
being effectively or harmoniously, and the best we typically
have is the model that our parents presented to us. If you are
anything like me, that was not one to emulate.
As a result, many relationships become tarnished by animosity,
judgement and even contempt. People commonly resign them-
selves to a relationship that is less than rewarding because they
simply have no clue how to create the relationship they actual-
ly want or repair the one they have. There are two key reasons
for this in my view.
One, most people do not recognize the power of their own ac-
tions, and two, people do not understand that everything is a pro-
cess, a series of steps and success in relationships is like success
in any other area of life. Both of these life lessons should be ham-
mered home consistently by any NLP training you decide to do.
Everything is a process
Let’s start with the idea that everything is a process. Your rela-
tionship is not a noun. it is not a thing like a book or a car. It is
a verb. Indeed love is a verb. It is a living breathing constantly
changing dynamic that is fluid and needs constant attention.
A good relationship is characterized by both parties engaging
in useful thoughts, feelings and behaviours. This starts right
at the beginning because a good relationship requires a good
choice of partner, in fact, studies show this is arguably the most
influential decision of your life. Trying to build a relationship
with someone who is not capable of meeting you is challeng-
ing. However, assuming your choice was reasonable, the next
stage is management. It has to be nurtured and cared for like
tending a garden. There will be weeds, insects and climatic
variables to contend with.
Most people get married with the romantic but quite naive no-
tion of “heading off in to the sunset to live happily ever after”.
Most people spend more time planning their wedding than
they do planning their lives together. Some would say “love is
all you need.” I am going to say yes that’s true, except when
it isn’t! When there are kids, financial pressures and alike, you
need more than that!
What is astonishing to me is that given the importance of re-
lationships, we generally pay very little attention to learning
about them. From an NLP perspective, if you want to be suc-
cessful as a coach, you would study coaching. If you want to
be successful generally, you would study success. The same is
true of relationships. if you want a good relationship you should
study what people in good relationships do. How do they talk
to each other, what beliefs do they have, what consistent ac-
tions do they take to keep that relationship solid. Similarly,
there will be certain actions and behaviours you can guarantee
they don’t engage in.
A full discussion of these factors is outside of the scope of this
article, but let’s look at a couple of related factors.
Respect Your Partner
Let’s start with RESPECT? Aretha Franklin sang about it, and
to me, as an NLP Trainer, the underpinning to productive com-
munication is having a respect for the other person’s model
of the world. This is one of the key NLP presuppositions you
should learn on day one of an NLP Practitioner Certification.
This is true for any relationship but especially true for an inti-
mate relationship.
We often reject another’s perceptions, especially when our
views differ. This rejection may even be unconscious. We find
ourselves ready to dispute the things our spouse has to say, to
challenge them, or to hear them as threats. Obviously, such an
attitude interferes with two-way communication. The first step
to improved dialogue is to manage your own responses and
show respect for your partner.
This can be achieved at one level by recognising that a person’s
thoughts, feelings, their behaviour, or their values and beliefs
are not them. I agree with Eckhart Tolle. We are the presence
behind all of these factors. We are the ones listening to our
own internal dialogue. We are not the dialogue. We all have
moments of irrationality. We all do, say or think silly things
sometimes. We are not logical creatures, we are psychological.
We frequently respond with a range of emotions and habitu-
ated perceptions that are not logical but learned. A person’s
view is the best they have come up with given the information
they have at hand at the time. When you don’t agree, you are
not disagreeing with your partner, but with their perspective in
that moment.
Don’t expect agreement with the way you view the world
It is unrealistic to expect another person to respond the way
you would. In the literature, this is referred to as Self Refer-
encing. In other words, this is when we use our own views,
values and standards as the yardstick for what we expect of
the world and people around us. This is one of the many cogni-
tive distortions we can run as human beings. Your partner was
not brought up the same way as you. Nor did they make the
same decisions or have they had the same inputs or standards
across the board. Hence when we expect our partners to think
the way we do, we step into dangerous territory. As a clinical
hypnotherapist, I have worked with 1000s of people over the
years and this is a common distortion that causes a lot of dis-
appointment and frustration.
Among my clients, it is the fast-track to disappointment and
frustration because they are effectively asking the world/
others to change to meet our needs. People “should” be po-
liter. Others “should show more respect”. Drivers “should be
more courteous”, and “my partner should know…” Well, may-
be? In my experience, there are times when we can agree to a
standard or expectation, but to assume it is presumptive and
counter-productive. Sometimes it is valuable to step back from
your personal position and recognise that there is no “rule” that
people should agree with you, as wrong as that might sound!!
When you are more neutral and less combative you can ac-
knowledge their position and give your partner something that
we all crave. At some deep level we all want to be seen and
understood. I don’t have to agree with you, but I can “acknowl-
edge”, “accept” or “respect” your opinion, and your right to state it.
Respect allows you to accept another person’s point of view
without the judgement. This includes all verbal communication,
but also the non-verbal communication. The “look” that tells a
thousand words, a grunt or a groan. All of these responses no
matter how small are dismissive. This is your life partner after
all. You chose them. That means the good the bad and the ugly!
Letting your partner be heard is a crucial step towards improv-
ing a relationship and negating the frustration and contempt
that can creep in when communication is poor. Please note,
hearing them is not necessarily agreeing with them, but being
heard is sometimes of greater importance than being agreed
with.
Communication is the glue that holds a relationship together.
When you have to face difficulties as a couple it is your abili-
ty to communicate and negotiate that can makes the tougher
times manageable. This includes your thoughts and, sorry guys,
your feelings. When we stop communicating with respect the
bond can start to erode quickly because we cease to matter to
our partner, or so we think.
“We may not be our views, but we often feel at-
tached to our positions. When your partner’s view
doesn’t matter to you, then they will think that they
don’t matter either.”
Good NLP Training should show you how
to go from reactions to responses.
Some may say that this is easier said than done. And that is
true. However, good NLP training should show you how to go
from reactions to responses. It should show you that you get
to choose which thoughts and/or feelings you should listen
to, and which ones you should ignore. We have over 70,000
thoughts per day, many of which are complete crap. We cannot
respond to all of them.
Good communication also requires effort. Work on your part
of the communication process. One of the biggest obstacles to
productive communication is our emotions. When we feel hurt
or angry our communication changes. The tonal changes are
obvious. But what is often not noticed is the change in intent.
Emotionally loaded exchanges make us age regress and turn
our focus away from a productive adult outcome, to demon-
strating how hurt we are. Anger is a protest. It is a statement
of “you have hurt me” and I am now in payback mode. This is
not typically useful.
So here are seven quick tips that might as-
sist you the next time you are in a ‘robust‘
discussion:
1) Take responsibility for your communication (verbal and
non-verbal)
2) Put your energy into the exchange (engage consciously)
3) Make a commitment to seeing the process through
4) Decide what you want out of the exchange and then adopt
the demeanour and language to support the goal
5) Express your thoughts and feelings fully and encourage your
partner to do the same
6) Resolve misunderstandings by asking questions and seeking
clarifications rather than by getting angry
7) Look for the positive intention of your partner’s position. e.g.
the positive intention of a complaint is to make things better.
(N.B. When someone stops complaining, they may well have
given up and might be formulating their exit plan)
By putting this energy into communication, you will make a
statement to your partner about your commitment and re-
sponsibility. It will demonstrate that the relationship is import-
ant to you and that you are willing to involve yourself fully in
this act of communication.
Intimate communication may not be worth the effort with-
out love. Love is critical to the relationship but alone it is not
enough. If there is love, however, and if the relationship is im-
portant to you, then you focus on improving the communica-
tion.
 Chapter 07

07
PROFESSIONAL
APPLICATIONS
OF NLP

If as a professional you find you sometimes struggle to meet
your own expectations or achieve your work-related goals,
it can be useful to look for new and sometimes even un-
orthodox ways to improve your leadership skills, have more
influence over others, and experience more success overall
with their jobs. Neuro-Linguistic Programming can provide
technical assistance to all types of professionals, helping
you to reach your career-related goals more efficiently.
in a specific manner. Sales and marketing fields rely heav-
ily on being able to persuade others, often without them
even realizing it is occurring. Though subtle, the techniques
taught in NLP can help professional marketers have more of
influence over the purchasing decisions of their customers,
impacting their success. By being able to accurately read
their verbal and non-verbal cues, professionals in these
fields can better gauge the desires of their customers and
respond accordingly.

What are some of the benefits of Personal Effectiveness

NLP for Professionals?
Most of us have developed some patterns of behaviour over
Increased Influence and Persuasion time that work against us achieving our goals. These be-
haviours may have been deeply ingrained in early childhood.
Many professional roles call for the ability to be able to ef-
They can’t be changed without first recognizing what they
fectively influence and persuade others to carry out tasks

NLP & YOU

are. Techniques learned through NLP can help professionals
target the thought patterns behind these behaviours, ulti-
mately allowing negative behaviours to be replaced by more
positive and productive ones.
Improved Leadership
Advancement
Being an effective manager involves much more than simply
telling others what to do. Being tuned in to their staff’s needs
and desires, as well as their communication with them, can
help managers become more effective leaders. The majori-
ty of people in leadership roles engage in specific dialogue
or behaviours without realizing how those behaviours make
their employees feel. By learning to control these behaviours
and use them effectively, the employer-employee relation-
ship dynamic can be dramatically improved upon.
Improved Communication with
Superiors and Staff
Most professional roles require excellent communication skills.
These apply equally to managing up or down. Communication
is as much about listening and picking up on non-verbal clues
as actually speaking to others. NLP techniques approach com-
munication skills on multiple levels to enable the opportunity
for better work relationships that get much more accomplished.
Powerful Presentations
Many times professionals are required to give presentations
of various types. Whether it’s for training, marketing, or some
other reason, these presentations can be a great source of
anxiety and stress. NLP techniques can teach individuals how
to better manage stress and effectively reduce the anxiety
that so often accompanies public speaking. NLP can also
teach body language and verbal skills that will have more of
an impact on the audience, creating powerful actions that fol-
low long after the meeting has ended.
Confidence and Presence
There are many attributes that a confident leader possesses
that make him/her have a more powerful influence over oth-
ers. Remaining in control of their emotions, using precision
language, and remaining focused all evoke confidence that in-
spires others to sit up and take notice. These are all areas that
can be positively influenced by the techniques taught in NLP.
These are just a few ways that NLP can help you as a pro-
fessional experience more success in their careers and work
relationships. By learning to change the way you think about
and react to specific events you can experience a greater de-
gree of fulfilment in your career.
Getting the Edge in Business es are all about implementing and discovering how peo-
ple work at their highest levels.
with NLP
The rules concerning the Business Game continue to
change, and they’ve fluctuated from one point to the
NLP Courses - A Leading Edge Model
next throughout the past decades of the 20th century. for Reading People
The very nature of the business itself is also experienc-
At its core, NLP is a model that seeks to understand
ing change due to the inundation of information and the
how people operate. It gives people a working model
speed of change. Out of workers today, roughly 40%
from the most recent discoveries of cognitive psycholo-
of them are “information workers,” and this number has
gy, structure of mastery, accelerated learning and more.
projections to climb to around 60% in the next 10 years.

Unlike the Industrial Age where the “work” was mainly

Understanding Why This is Important
physical, today’s businesses put much more focus on
information, communication, self-initiated, self-man- Understanding these key elements is critical because if
agement, networking, relationships, teamwork, self-dis- people understand how they operate, and this includes
cipline and more. their operating programs for being persuaded, decid-
ing, thinking, feeling motivated, and taking initiative, it
This shift is why the cutting-edge field of NLP plays an
puts these people several steps ahead of anyone who
essential role for those who want to stay at the fore-
doesn’t have a clue how to read them. This is important
front of business. It’s true that the field of business has
because NLP was originally a communication model.
involved psychology for years, and this includes the psy-
Three world-class communicators came up with NLP
chology of how people feel, think and function.
when they discovered that they had a unique way of
However, using the word “psychology” may not be the using words to influence and affect people.
correct word. When people think of “psychology,” they
The Meta Model was the first NLP model, and it fo-
typically think healing traumas, fixing people, and over-
cused on how people used words and asked questions
coming “issues.” This is NOT what a business is about.
in such a way that they were able to gather quality in-
Instead, businesses mostly revolve around how people
formation that was accurate and precise just by talking.
work. They also focus on how people get to the states
They learned how to create rich maps that enable peo-
they do, create the interactions, skills, and behaviours
ple to know exactly what they want, how to get what
they do, and how people process information. Business-
they want and how to enable other people to under-
stand them. more money.

This led to several NLP patterns like getting outcomes Additionally, they use it in a more subtle manner to en-
or setting up goals that enhance and are well-informed. able other people to manage their states and run their
They used it to find patterns for initiative and self-mo- own brains. This works to enrich other people’s lives,
tivation that enabled people to take their destinies and sets the stage for a higher level of leadership and mana-
brains into their own hands and proactively make things gerial skills and makes for better relationships. They use
happen. this model to enrich their people profiling skills, and it
makes it more intuitive so they’re able to have a higher
This led to patterns to accelerate learning, and these
degree of accuracy when it comes to decision making.
patterns gave people the edge at getting more informa-
tion that they could then use more efficiently. Eventual-
ly, this led to a new NLP model that allowed people to
In these key ways and many more, NLP has been lead-
“see” how to profile their perceptual filters and see the
ing the way when it comes to learning how people get
world, and this was the Meta Programs. Knowing these
the most out of themselves and others - how to be the
two things enables people to use NLP to hire the correct
best version of themselves possible. However, this mod-
people, and build a relationship in minutes instead of
el isn’t the hard-nosed approach, and people are free to
months or days. This model led to a more informed way
apply it gently, naturally and covertly. This is all part of an
to think about the influencing and selling processes, and
NLP course’s elegance.
modern salespeople started to seek to understand first
and foremost. As people learn about NLP courses in Sydney and be-
come a practitioner of the art themselves, they start to
Additionally, this exploratory approach builds the nec-
add a small “magic touch” to everyday relationships and
essary trust and rapport that customises a sale to allow
communication. As they start to take more charge of
the salespeople to sell precise benefits tailored to a per-
their own minds, their emotions and relationships begin
son’s specific value set. It’s no wonder that salespeople
to get more manageable. When this happens, they can
who have NLP training report higher sales earnings and
a higher level of enjoyment for their work. This is typical
when a person understands how to recognise and play
to another person’s internal strategy for deciding and
considering.

Today, a broad range of occupations incorporate the

study and use of NLP, and this includes lawyers, teach-
ers, psychologists, doctors, marketers, salespeople, poli-
ticians and more. They use patterns and models to make
their business run more efficiently and smoothly. How-
ever, they first use it on themselves to run their own
states and brains.

By correctly accessing their very best states, people are

set to experience less stress, produce more and achieve
any goals in a more effective manner. This sets them
apart from the crowd, and it increases their overall val-
ue because it allows them to contribute more and make
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT
PEOPLE
Many of us consistently struggle with how to deal with difficult
people. Whether you’re in the workplace or if these difficult
people are in your own family, you have to find ways of dealing
with people we find challenging.
When it comes to people who are self-important, chronic
complainers, bullies, victims or martyrs, we generally struggle
to manage our responses effectively. However, NLP train-
ing teaches us that we are in control of a lot more than we
think we are, and have a capacity to respond in more con-
sidered and useful ways once we have the tools to do so. If
you have Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) communica-
tion and self-management skills you should have a vast range
of responses. If you don’t, then here are a couple of simple
points that don’t require any real background knowledge.
The Drama Cycle
One thing I teach in my NLP Practitioner Certification is some-
thing called “The Drama Cycle.” This is not NLP and a purist
might challenge its presence in an NLP training, but NLP is a
model that draws from the best approaches in the world, and
my students find it extremely useful.
The drama cycle literally explains most human interaction. In
the drama cycle, there is one of three positions you can take. if
you play one of them, then you will tend to play in all of them
at different times. You will either play the rescuer, the victim,
or the persecutor.
The Rescuer
The rescuer is the person who’s always trying to help out when
people who are stuck. They often have good intentions, but
sometimes are driven by their own need for significance or
purpose, which they enhance when the assist others. Outside
of their conscious awareness, it often satisfies a deeper need
in them. It offers a sense of significance, importance, and con-
tribution.
The Victim
The victim is the person who is habitually stuck. I’m not talking
about somebody who has just broken their leg and they need
a bit of help. I’m talking about someone who constantly strug-
gles and their life. It’s as if they have a dark cloud above them.
They lead and try to connect with others through complaining
and talking about their problems. They regularly lean on oth-
ers, espousing statements of helplessness, and often put a fair
amount of energy into trying to guilt people into helping them.
The Persecutor
The other role of the Drama Cycle is the persecutor, the per-
son who has no tolerance for the victim. They might even seek
out and target the victim. This is the office bully. They are in-
tent on punishing, often using harsh tones, or conversely stony
silence or disdainful looks to communicate their dissatisfaction.
Sound familiar?
So how does this Drama Cycle work?
This is a very large subject and I could talk about this for hours,
but here I can only cover it in a very cursory way. Essentially,
once you are in this Drama Cycle, drama is the currency. Now,
if you play one of these roles, you play all of these roles. You
might have a default. You might lean towards the victim posi-
tion or you might lean towards the rescuer position. If you keep
trying to rescue people and they just don’t come with you, or
keep making the same mistakes and complaining about it, there
will be a part of you that might just drop into the persecutor
position. How do you know you are there? Tone! Statements
like, “For God’s sake” are a bit of a give away, even if you don’t
state it externally, you are there.
At that point, you’ve dropped into the persecutor. So none of
these are mutually exclusive. We have all payed these roles at
some point in our lives.
When we are dealing with difficult people, we often see them
as either the victim or the persecutor. And even if we don’t
physically rescue, our desire to try to make them feel better,
somehow make up for their situation, or to appease them in
some way, often puts us in the rescuer position. But we’re in
it. You’re in the drama of it and we will be upset by it. We can
go from rescuing someone to feeling persecuted very quickly
because now we feel like it’s costing us too much. So the lines
between these three positions are very, very blurred.
The Observer
There’s also the fourth position and that’s referred to as the ob-
server position. The observer is the coach, the adult position,
the person who is not buying into all the drama, who doesn’t
get drawn in emotionally. They are more likely to respond with
words to the effect of, “That’s interesting.” The observer is wit-
ness to the drama but can remain solution-oriented. The ob-
server is the position that is most useful because the observer
position doesn’t get caught up in rescuing.
A typical observer response to a tale of woe is, “Okay, that
must have been challenging. So what are you going do about
this now?” They don’t get emotionally drawn in or let their
emotions get rattled. So the observer sets decent boundaries.
The observer is more likely to recognise that we are all respon-
sible for our choices. No one gets to make you feel inferior or
angry or unappreciated. No one gets to make you feel any-
thing. That’s up to you. I can’t make you love me. I can’t make
you hate me. I can’t make you feel anything towards me. That
will be your choice. And so, as the observer, you have a choice
about how you respond to the world. Most people do not
spend very much time in the observer position.
What keeps us stuck in the Drama Cycle?
We get stuck in the Drama cycle for many reasons, but one
of the biggest reasons is our inability to maintain boundaries.
And before you explain this skills gap as a result of not loving
yourself enough, that is not it!
It’s because you’ve not learned how to manage your own emo-
tional state. It’s because you haven’t learned that “Hmmm in-
teresting” is a much more useful response most of the time
than, “I can’t believe this,” “How dare they?” or “What if they
don’t like me anymore?”
These sorts of reactions preclude you having a choice in the
way you respond to difficult people or situations. No one has
control over you unless you give them that control.
Are you conflict adverse?
Another factor that makes us more prone to the actions of
difficult people is that most of us are conflict adverse. So if
you have poor self-regulation, you don’t trust yourself enough
to be able to have a serious or challenging conversation, then
you’re unlikely to have it. A lot of people also fail to make the
distinction between being assertive and being aggressive. So if
you’re worried about becoming aggressive when all you want is
assertive, you are likely to baulk at confrontation.
Being assertive, to give you the distinction, is being able to
assert your rights. Being aggressive is asserting your rights over
someone else. Some are more worried that they will end up in
tears rather than being able to maintain a professional position.
For others its an excessive need for acceptance, (almost always
learned in childhood) that makes them give too much weight
to others people’s opinions. Once again, this will probably lead
to avoidance.
Do you have an excessive need for
acceptance?
Can I suggest for a moment that acceptance is one of the single
worst patterns you can have? The excessive need for accep-
tance will completely limit your life. That’s something that, if
you come to an NLP training, you could work on.
I’m not suggesting for a moment that you should not care what
people think. I think that’s ridiculous. But it’s about giving ap-
propriate weight to the views of others depending on the con-
text. What you want is a clear view of your own worth, with the
ability to check in with others.
Do you lack process?
Moreover, you could be hampered by a lack of process. If you
just don’t know how to have a conversation that’s potential-
ly confrontational, or how to keep an argument contained, a
robust discussion could initiate a series of unforeseen conse-
quences. And it’s our fear of consequences, whether they are
real or imagined, that often dissuades us I’m taking action.
And finally, you need effective impulse control so you don’t
get caught up in the drama. You have to make a distinction be-
tween what is personal and what merely affects you personally.
If you lean towards being sensitive then you are going to be
much less likely to have to confront conversations and a wider
range of the population will seem difficult to you.
How do you determine it is personal?
Let me offer you something. Anything someone says to you is
not personal. It may well say more about them than you. And
even if they are talking about you directly, making it a personal
attack, what they’re really talking about are the patterns that
you run.
They don’t get to make it personal for you. Only you can do
that. I’m gonna suggest to you that no matter what anyone
says to you, they don’t decide how you should respond to it.
A criticism or a complaint isn’t personal unless you decide it is.
This is how you maintain your own personal power in challeng-
ing situations.
Do you Self Reference?
Another factor is something called self-referencing. It’s also a
cognitive distortion. In essence, it’s a belief that people and
the world should act the way we want them to. A standard
self-referencing statement is, “I can’t believe they did that. I
would never do that.” It’s where you are using your values, your
expectations, your standards, and assuming that the rest of the
world should do the same. They are not going to. And the more
you want the world to be different, the more disappointment
and frustration you’ll feel. Other people have the right to be
total idiots. That’s their right. You have the right to ignore them.
The more you want the world to be different, or to meet your
needs, the more you’re out of touch with reality.
So understand that in any population like a workplace, you’re
going to find difficult people among the mix. There’s no getting
around that. You can avoid them but probably not forever, and
if they are in your family its hard to exile them completely. And
this is where NLP comes in. It gives you tools to manage your
own internal state. Once you can do that, you can choose your
response. So instead of reacting, you respond.
Now, one way you can do it is just to simply ignore it. Just
say, “Thanks. Okay, I’ll take that on board,” and move on. The
second is you could build a level of rapport with that person.
And I’m talking about NLP unconscious rapport. I’m not talking
about liking them. I’m talking about being able to get a level
of trust with them. And that comes from you appearing to be
more like them. This is day two of an NLP practitioner train-
ing. You can take control. There’s a difference between what
you control and what you can at best influence. Take control of
what you can and that is your own internal state.
A lot of NLP trainers would say that you control everything in
your life. That simply isn’t true. In fact it is a little bit ridiculous
really. I don’t control what you are thinking right now as you
are reading this. But I do control what happens internally. Ex-
ternally, at best, I have influence. I can influence. And the more
effective I am in communication, the more effective I am in my
own state management, the more influence I can bring to bare.
And you could always reframe their position into a positive in-
tention. So a complaint could be reframed as them wanting
things to be better.
They may not frame it in a way that’s terribly positive, but you
can look for the positive in it. And there’s always a positive in
it. Anything negative, then in essence, they are looking to im-
prove things. Then you might say that that’s not necessarily the
case. I’m suggesting you work on what is going to serve you,
not really what their intention is.
But I can tell you something. If someone complains to you and
you say to them, “So are you really saying you want to make
things better?” What are they going to say? They’re not go-
ing say, “No. I just wanna bitch.” They’re going to grab that.
And then you can work towards, “Okay, what can we do to
improve things here.” And then you start to run that conversa-
tion. Again, the more skilled you are, the more able you are to
do that. And you could also respond with a level of humor and
flexibility. And you can, again, only do that when there’s a level
of non-attachment. The moment you buy into this emotionally,
you’ve lost it.
Is procrastination a problem for
you?
Yes at different times, we all procrastinate here or there, but
for some of us, procrastination is a debilitating issue. Some
of us are chronic procrastinators. If you are in this catego-
ry, you probably find yourself getting totally frustrated with
yourself at times or have constant internal battles and can’t
work out why you just can’t make things happen? If this is
you, then I have good news.
Why procrastinate?
So let’s begin at the beginning. There are numerous theo-
ries about why people procrastinate. Some people say it’s
about anxiety, the fear of failure, or the tyranny of perfec-
tionism which all translates into a reluctance to take action.
Other people talk about the saboteur within. That they are
suffering from some deeper issue or personality flaw. You
might be pleased to know that I don’t subscribe to this the-
ory.
One of the biggest problems as I see it is that these theories
could explain aspects of people’s experience but overlook
the process by which people get stuck.
Procrastination and Self-Labelling
Most of us have no idea what directs our unconscious de-
cision-making and in the absence of a solid understanding
of ourselves, most of us resort to self-labeling. What do I
mean by that? If you talk to yourself harshly, statements like
“what’s wrong with you just do it you lazy xxxx” or “you’re
useless”, then yes, you are doing it.
This is what the conscious mind does. It seeks to explain,
and if it doesn’t know, it makes what’s referred to as a heu-
ristic leap. That is to say, without enough evidence, it goes
for what it thinks is the most likely theory. And typically,
if you lean towards a low self-esteem, if you lean towards
being more disorganised, if you lean towards being self-crit-
ical, then the most likely explanation is that you are a no
good, lazy, pathetic excuse for a procrastinator. Well, I’m
here to tell you that that’s NOT TRUE.
Procrastination and Neuro Linguistic
Programming NLP
If this is you, you just don’t have some core internal skills of
self-management, the types of skills good Neuro Linguistic
Programming (NLP) training should give you.
Procrastination is fundamentally misunderstood. You’re not
just born lazy, and you don’t lack motivation. Procrastina-
tion is deeply rooted in a cognitive patterning that you’ve
learned along the way. In essence, it’s an approach-avoid-
ance conflict.
If you want to reinvent yourself and live the life that you
REALLY want, then get STARTED, click on this link and learn
NLP.
Let’s define procrastination
So let’s define the term. When we’re talking about ap-
proach, we’re moving towards goals. We’re taking steps;
we’re proactive and show initiative because we’re moving
towards something. There’s something that we want and
we are going for it.
Avoidance is when we take action to avoid what we don’t
want. With proactivity, it’s really important that we actually
know what we are going after, and why we’re going. It’s all
about achievement. If we’re talking about avoidance, it’s not
about achievement at all, it’s about escaping things that we
don’t like, whether it’s awkwardness, or anxiety, or conse-
quences, we move away from what we don’t want.
And as a result, we will be more concerned with what we
don’t want, not what we want. It will be a consequence that
forces you to move. It’s actually driven by anxiety. Fear of
consequence has long been your primary driver if you are
more on the avoidance side of the equation.
There’s a strong part of you that wants to beat procrasti-
nation
What this really means is there is a part of you that wants
to take the action, there’s another part of you that doesn’t.
This often leads to a lack of clarity, which leads to the mind
baulking at taking action. If you feed your mind conflicting
messages it will typically STOP and wait for clearer instruc-
tions.
You’ll tend to leave things to the last minute. So you stay up
all night to do your paper and submit it on the last day. At
that point, there’s more consequence to not take the action
than to take the action.
So someone who’s proactive isn’t so much focused on
consequence, they’re focused on the outcome. What they
want to achieve, what they’ll get as a result of taking the
action. Whether it’s a good feeling, whether it’s a sense of
completion, whether it’s closer to a larger goal, whatever
it is.
Procrastination is myopic
The trouble with that is if there is no immediate conse-
quence you will tend to dither. It’s the looming deadline that
builds the pressure and forces you to overcome your own
internal conflict. And the larger problem with all of this is
that if this is a dominant cognitive pattern within you, this is
linked to pessimism and anxiety.
It’s actually stress that drives your behaviour. This is be-
cause you generally don’t take any action until you reach
a certain level of discomfort before you are galvanised into
action. You need to hit that tipping point.
Procrastination is a cognitive distortion
At its core, this comes down to waiting for some external
factor to create conditions that will facilitate a shift in your
own thinking. This is referred to as an external locus of con-
trol – a belief that our thoughts are determined by some-
thing outside of us.
This is a cognitive distortion. Nothing outside of you de-
termines your thoughts. Only you get to decide which
thoughts or feelings you pay attention to, and which ones
you should ignore.
When you don’t feel like you’re in control, then you won’t
take action. And one of the problems for someone who
procrastinates chronically is that they pay way too much
attention to their feelings.
No one is ever successful by taking action only when they
feel like it. Successful people take action even when they
don’t feel like it. How they feel is irrelevant to the action.
Procrastination and the lack of process
Sometimes there are other factors, like a sense of injustice
that you shouldn’t have to do this, or a sense of ‘overwhelm’
because you are not quite sure how to do it. Sometimes you
don’t have the right process.
That is to say, you don’t know all the steps. You might know
some of the steps, but you don’t know all of them. And
sometimes, the most important step is the first one, and
that is the step where you take an action even though you
don’t feel like it.
But here’s the irony. We also don’t do what it takes to find
out what we don’t know, and as such, delay action further.
If uncertainty that holds you back, then you have to look
to minimise the unknowns. That means going and getting
whatever information you can that will assist. Whether it is
handing in a paper, or completing a project you need to find
out what you don’t know. Uncertainty is not your friend. As
a general rule, people who procrastinate tend to be uncom-
fortable with the uncertainties of life.
If that is you, acknowledge it and do something about it.
Learning cutting edge NLP skills should address this. NLP
is all about self-leadership or managing your own internal
space effectively because that is the core skill that facilitates
a successful and happy life.
 Chapter 08
08
NLP FOR
PERFORMANCE
NLP AS A THREE-STEP PROCESS
If NLP were ever to be presented in a three-step process, it
would go something like this:
1) “Know what you want; have a clear idea of
your outcome in any situation.”
2) “Be alert and keep your senses open so that
you notice what you are getting.”
3) “Have the flexibility to keep changing what
you do until you get what you want.”
This translates in to
Outcome Acuity Flexibility
First is the skill of knowing your outcome. Seneca the Roman
Philosopher once wrote, “If you don’t know which port you are
sailing to, no wind is favourable.”
Secondly, an important part of NLP is training in sensory acui-
ty, which is about where you place your attention and how to
change or enlarge your filters so that you notice things that
you had not noticed previously. It is present moment senso-
ry awareness. When communicating with others, this means
noticing the small but crucial signals (sometimes referred to
as minimal cues) that let you know how they are responding.
When thinking, which is, communicating with yourself, (intra-
personal communication) it means heightened awareness of
your internal images, sounds and feelings.
You need the acuity or sensitivity to notice if what you are do-
ing is getting you what you want. If what you are doing is not
working, do something else, anything else. You need to hear,
see and feel what is happening and have a choice of responses.
NLP aims to give people more choice about what they do.
NLP & YOU
Having only one way of doing things creates a dilemma. Some-
times it will work and sometimes it won’t, so there will always
be situations you cannot cope with. Having a range of choice
means being able to use a minimum of three approaches. Why
not two choices you might ask? Well having only two choices
can lead to black or white thinking. It is either this, or that.
But three choice minimums encourage the additional option of
this and that. In any interaction, the person who has the most
choices has the greatest flexibility of behaviour, will be likely to
be the one who eventually controls the situation. In essence
flexibility is typically more valuable than strength, and the more
choices you can create, the more chance of success.
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get
what you’ve always got. If what you are doing is not working,
do something else.”
The way these skills work together is rather like what happens
if you take a commercial flight, say from New York to London.
The flight crew will have an established destination, or initial
outcome. The plane flies in that direction but there are cross
winds and other weather factors that influence the flightpath.
It is often more of a subtle zig-zag than a straight path. It is rare
for planes to fly directly on course between different conti-
nents without having to correct regularly.
The flight crew has to notice the subtle shifts in direction: sen-
sory acuity. As they do that, the crew compare this with where
they want to go and if the plane is off course, they change
direction. This process is repeated until you get to London.
Once at London, you can choose to stay, or head on to Bar-
celona or Paris or even across to Berlin. You can change your
outcome at any point in the cycle, enjoy the journey and learn
something on the way.