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Diary Notes Käyn keskustelua itseni kanssa, mutta

Ajaton kuitenkin niin että sinä olet mukana. JULY/HEINÄKUU 2023 Reality & Fiction #35
Sä kysyt mitä mä haluan susta, ja mun

FREE <3 ILMAINEN

Rakas päiväkirja…
On välillä epätodellinen olo. Ihan kuin olisin
unessa ja kaikki mitä mun elämässä tapahtuu
ei olisikaan totta. En tiiä johtuuko se siitä, että
oon pitkään haaveillut elämisestä ja oman
elämäni pääroolista - se on ollut mun villi
päiväuni, pala fantasiaa arjen keskellä. Nyt
kun se tapahtuu, se tuntuu epätodelliselta.
Ihan kuin eläisin elokuvassa.
Välillä myös mietin, että onko musta tullut
ärsyttävä onnellisuuden saarnaaja, sanonko
asioita ääneen vain sen takia, että ne tuntuisi
todellisemmalta. Monet hetket, niin kuin
tämäkin just nyt, tuntuu joltain valveen ja
unen rajamailta, osittain kiinni todellisuudessa
ja osittain sen tuolla puolen. Tässä ja siellä.
On ihana kesäilta kun kirjotan tätä, ja mun
elämäni on täynnä upeutta kaikkien ihanien
ihmisten muodossa. On vaan tää hetki, just
nyt. En saa antaa sen kadota.
Oon elänyt tätä elämää vasta 8 kuukautta.
Eihän sen ikäinen lapsikaan vielä ole kiinni
tässä todellisuudessa.
Mä huomaan, että mussa on herännyt
vuosia kytenyt kipinä ja nyt se roihuaa
kaikella teholla. Mä oon yrittänyt hillitä
ja hallita sitä, joskus sain sen melkein
sammumaan, onneksi en onnistunut. Mä
luulin, että sen palaminen polttaisi mut
kokonaan, mutta toisin kävi. Antaa sen
palaa! Nyt se kipinä on täydessä roihussa,
se ei tarvii yhtään sytykettä tai lisää bensaa
liekkeihin. Se on mussa, enkä anna sen
sammua.
mielessä ois kaikkea niin paljon, mutta
kuitenkaan ei mitään. Haluan susta sen
mitä sä haluat ja voit mulle antaa, siinä
määrin, mitä mä voin myös vastaanottaa.
En enempää enkä vähempää.
Mä sanon ettei mulla oo kiire, mutta
silti haluan kaiken mulle heti. Ja heti olisi
kuitenkin liikaa. Ollaan vaan kaksi erillistä,
omine juttuineen. Hassua, että kuitenkin
koitan vääntää sua omaan tahtoon
taipuvaksi, vaikka taipumatonta oon
etsinyt ja tahtonut pitkään. En tiedä miten
päin olisin, joten yritän olla vaan ja antaa
virran viedä. Haluun sut, mutta en saa.
On vain hillitön usko vapauden voimaan
sitoa yhteen, ei erottomattomasti, mutta
ehkä hetkeksi.
Ihmiset tulee ja menee. Edelleen
kaikki ajatukset on yhtä sekavia kuin
ennenkin, päänsisäiset luupit tulee ja
menee. Tärkein ero on kuitenkin se,
että mä hyväksyn ne, niin kuin kaiken
sen muunkin mitä olen. Luulin, että
onnellisuus on pelkkää iloa, mutta
yhtälailla se on hyvien ja huonojen
hetkien ja päivien vuoropuhelua. Se on
hyväksyntää.
Oon tässä ja nyt. On vaan tää hetki
tässä taianomaisessa elokuvassa
nimeltään elämä ja pidän siitä kiinni.
Terveisin,
Ajaton

G l o s s o l a l i a
R e a l i t y & F i c t i o n /
Todellisuus&Fiktio
Finnish//Suomi (Unelma Tyttö Han Lei)
Liian hyvää ollakseen totta : too good to
be true
Todellisuus on tarua ihmeellisempää :
reality is more wonderful than fiction
English// (Long-winded Mary)
Reality check : wake-up call; reminder of
the state of the real world
Spanish//Español (Nieve de Limón)
La realidad supera a la ficción : reality
surpasses fiction; You couldn’t make this
up!

by Ines Montalvao @i.montalvao

C r o s s w o r d / / 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Ristisanatehtävä 14 15 16
#35 by LWM
ACROSS: 17 18 19

1. Give it _ ___
20 21 22
5. Air Condition and
Refrigeration + South Carolina 23 24 25
10. Hottie
14. I forbid, Latin 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

15. ____ _ brac

16. Double chop? 33 34 35

17. Unbleached linen color 36 37 38

18. Famous fabler
19. This paper format 39 40 41
20. Roles in fiction
22. Requests 42 43 44

23. A large quantity or to turn

45 46
and swing about
24. Leaning tower 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54
26. Forbidden customs
29. Sorcery 55 56 57 Laser-engraved wooden short story available by @marederia

33. In one, French

34. Soft and sticky
35. Madonna album, abbr.
36. Vape
37. Light beer or hair
38. Caribbean country
39. Finnish institute for health
and welfare, abbr.
40. Empty spaces
41. Cash was known as the
“___ __ black”
42. Important person or small
drink
44. Creep, for example?
45. Secret note passing sound
46. Morning or official garment
47. Sheet garment
50. Shows short form reality
& fiction
55. Fat Japanese noodles
56. Remove
57. “Smooth Operator” singer
58. Bird nose
59. Pave again?
60. Great Lake
61. Expressions of mediums
62. Stallions, backwards
63. Beach bits
DOWN
1. With, French
2. Where all the bros work
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58 59 60
61 62 63
M U S T S !
Nieve de Limón
EAT: Nieve de Limón
3. Real Time Remote Access 41. Film streaming service My favorite dessert growing up was this fresh and sweet lime sorbet.
4. Elton John ballad 43. Hits a bum Recipe + video by Abuela’s Kitchen ->
5. Ancient bead counter 44. Beaus (instead of the wooden container you can do it with a glass or plastic one. Then
6. Greek island 46. Take an exam again
to rotate the inside container just move it with the spoon or mixer on top of the ice.)
7. Stand 47. Bass brass
8. Scary desert lobsters 48. Lyrical poem singer LISTEN: La Planete Sauvage by Alain Goraguer
9. Flipped the boat 49. Bearded animal I have recommended this as a MUST-see, but it has to be in
10. Middle eastern market 51. Cross-country skiing trail, Finnish MUST listen as well, especially in this issue’s theme. It is a
11. Center line of spinning 52. Brazilian lady of the lake goddess funky psychedelic trip that is worth the listen. The premise of the movie/album is a sci-fi
12. Money holder 53. Norse god story about the inhabitants of Ygam, a planet where blue giants have humans as pets.
13. Past lovers 54. Require WATCH: Tideland by Terry Gilliam (2005).
21. Gooey burn reliever (#34 - solution) This movie is about a young girl, Jeliza-Rose, who deals with the isolation of
25. Tell
living in rural Texas after the death of both her parents due to drug addiction. It
26. Chompers
27. Mexican chili is like a nightmare where Jeliza-Rose cannot distinguish reality from fiction. It
28. Constructed is a surreal and a bit creepy movie that had me hooked from beginning to end although it
29. Forest can be a bit slow at times. It is based on the book by Mitch Cullin.
30. Overcome by alcohol or love Long-winded Mary
31. Frank Lloyd Wright House in READ: Flights by Olga Tokarczuk.
Hyde Park
Winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, this isn’t like other books I’ve read. At
32. Yellow flower, doubled
34. Sparkled times its narrative, at others historical, biological, philosophical; it’s made up
37. Extra COVID shots of interwoven pieces of traveling, the body, and humanity. The original name in
38. Tenderly touches Polish is Bieguni and refers to runaways, a sect of Old Believers, who believe that being
40. Pre-DVD in constant motion is a trick to avoid evil.
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1. M - Fake Dear Salarakas,

REALITY/FICTION
M i x t a p e # 3 5
2. SOPHIE - Faceshopping
3. Sin Maldita - Unrealer
4. Carl Stone - Apsara
5. The Art Of Noise, Max Headroom -
Paranoimia
6. The Knife - A Lung
7. COUCOU CHLOE - WIZZ
8. Ripatti - speedmemories
9. ZULI - Bro!(Love it)
10. Big Freedia - Bigfoot
11. Death Grips, Les Claypool -
I am full, full of crossroads inside.
Some days I wake up with the
pleasure in the acknowledgement
of my choices, I believe I like
feta over cottage cheese, I,
laugh sometimes when I am
uncomfortable and I can be short
tempered. I, I, I. This is my reality,
This is who i really am. I think I
am as fictional as I can get, I fool
myself and everyone around me, I

by M
Mare Than the Fairy mean… aren’t we all doing it? I am
12. Godflesh - Wake (Break Mix) all the stories that my family, my
NEW ME IS ABOUT HAVING FUN BEING NAUGHTY. environment made of me. I blame
LAVA OPENS THE EP WITH LYRICS EQUAL PARTS POP-TROPE AND PLAYGROUND-TAUNT. IT TEASES it on how the rays of sunlight were
THE RULE-MAKERS; THE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE WHAT BAD IS WHAT GENDER IS ARE LIKE KIDS touching the earth where I grew
DECLARING WHICH PIECES OF FURNITURE ARE MADE OF LAVA. I AM LAVA! CAN’T TOUCH ME! up. Can you imagine how many
I MAKE UP THE RULES! I MAKE UP THE RULES! I CAN HAVE A KICK-SOLO IN MY SONG IF I WANT! people were involved in making my
SOME OF THE KICK-PATTERNS WERE MADE USING BPM-AUTOMATION. GOOD LUCK DJING THIS
fictional character? My parents, my
ONE. ALSO, GOOD LUCK LEARNING THE HAND-CLAPPING GAME ONCE IT HITS THE PLAYGROUND.
FAKE DETAILS THE DIFFICULTIES OF DATING WHEN EVERYONE THINKS YOUR GENDER IS MADE UP.
siblings, my parents parents , their
ALL IDENTITY IS MADE UP, LOSERS. THERE IS NO SELF. ONCE THIS IS UNDERSTOOD IT’S POSSIBLE siblings, all the men and women
TO ACCESS THE SECRET WORLD BEHIND THE WATERFALL. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE MY FAIRY touching each other emotionally
GODFATHER LED ME THERE IN A DREAM. and physically generation after another. If H o r o s c o p e s
FAKE’S PERCUSSION IS COMBUSTIBLE AND METALLIC. A SQUEAKING MATTRESS SINGS THE all of these generations crafted and refined
CHORUS. MOST OF THE SOUND DESIGN IS BY THE BRILLIANT STRACHKVAS. FAKE IS MY VERSION
Jim P. Stone
my narrative, then is feta really mine? who
OF STRACHKVAS’ VERSION OF MY OLD DEMO. am I really? How much can I really find out? Does this speak to your REALITY -or- FICTION
NEW ME IS ABOUT ENDURANCE.
In my fictional life, I once was a poet. I will Leo: Your self-expression is inherently radical.
NIGHT BUS REVS THE BPM UP TO 195. YOU HAVE TO GO HARD TO WITHSTAND THE VIOLENT NIGHT.
LYRICS ARE BASED ON TRUE STORIES, SUCH AS THE TIME ORCHID-KILLERS CAME FOR ME, TOOK
summon her. If she Is as fictional as I am Virgo: Each body is the flower of all flesh.
ALL MY MONEY, AND BURNED MY DIARY. SYNTHS ARE WOVEN FROM ANGEL VOICES, WHICH then we find each other again. Libra: Who truly knows you?
ACCOMPANY A BEAT OF TUMBLING GRAVEL. So dear Salarakas, Scorpio: Remain as indifferent as the sky.
NEW ME CLOSES WITH ITS TITLE TRACK, WHICH IS DENSE WITH HOT, COMFORTING NOISE. SOME Allow me to start again, I am looking Sagittarius: Next time, you’ll be even more
SOUNDS ARE FIELD RECORDINGS (WOODSTOVE), SOME CLICKS AND GROWLS FROM VINTAGE for Reera. She has been on a different resilient.
BUCHLA & SERGE (THANKS TO A RESIDENCY AT ELEKTRONMUSIKSTUDION STOCKHOLM!), MORE adventure than mine, we lost each other on Capricorn: What if “wellness” belongs to your
SYNTHS ARE MADE WITH PITCH-SHIFTED AND SMEARED LAYERS OF MY VOICE AND FINISHED WITH one of the crossroads a couple years ago. old world?
ABLETON STOCK INSTRUMENTS DRENCHED IN SYRUP.
I know she is a Salarakas fan. I am brave Aquarius: What is your leas possible goal?
DON’T WANNA BURN OUT AT THE STAKE. DON’T WANNA BE AFRAID. JUST BE.
JUST DANCE. A NEW ME SNAPPED INTO MY SPINE AND I LOVE THEM.
enough now to write to her and let her know Pisces: You’re allowed to take yourself seriously.
NEW ME IS ABOUT CONSTRUCTING, DESTROYING, AND BECOMING ONESELF. -M I’d love to host her again. Aries: This is not a surprise.
https://m-lore.xyz/ - @ m_lore___ New EP NEW ME by M on soundcloud (Reera if you are reading this, send me Taurus: You are too beautiful for this world
a sign, we speak the same tongue, I will Gemini: Learn patience, for yourself and for
surely receive it). everyone else.

L o i s A r m a s - written by Diazepam 10, aka Valium Cancer: You are always worth protecting.

What do you I have always daydreamed of living in a

:

call yourself world where I can choose multiple lives,

- a writer, where I can move from life to life freely: I
storyteller, could be who I am now, or I could try my
e

novelist? luck in Nebraska at a farm, or I could remain

I started in my childhood hometown enjoying my
calling myself childhood friends next to me, or I could never
v

a ‘writer’ only stop moving from place to place. I could be

a couple of years a parent of one, a parent of five, or a parent
ago, even though it has to myself only. To me, life has always felt
i

Photo by Matilda Palmu @matildapalmu

{ {
always felt like the most somehow really short, and it has always
accurate definition of felt unfair to have to choose ‘one’ for conversations & contributions: P i e s D e s c a l z o s ,
who I am. I believe life to live. It feels
s

insta:@salarakashel
this is a too little, I want email: salarakashel@hotmail.com S u e ñ o s B l a n c o s
reflection of all the lives. phono: 0452510121 for love notes. <3
subscribe: patreon.com/salarakashel Fran Trento @franciscotrento
something Who is Flora?
u

I am trying I didn’t find I sit by the window and hear some uncanny
to unlearn: out during noise; I don´t recognise it. It sounds like the
the deeply 2,5 years of S e c r e t s screaming of a kaiju monster destroying the
l

internalised writing, nor city’s buildings, playing with them as if they

capitalist belief afterwards. +I got what I wanted: a slap in the bum and were made of cardboard; I look outside, and the
that art in general being (positively) objectified, fantasised tram passes. I did not recognise its sound; it is
c

is not to be taken seriously, is not to be and adored as a woman. not as if it changed; it is the same that has run
named as my actual daily reality. So, in +I am almost 30, but still don’t know how to every nine minutes for the past five years. It just
caps, I am indeed a WRITER. say “no”. stopped making sense for me. Did it ever?
x

Do you have a personal manifesto? +I don’t think I’ll ever become fluent in I went to buy new glasses, and due to the
Every time I feel I could use a loving Finnish or be a part of the Finnish society. strange combination of prescription degrees, I
reminder of why I write, and why I live the I feel like the other, the outsider; not truly needed three for different situations. Currently,
e

way I do, I borrow ‘Poetry is not a luxury’ wanted but tolerated out of necessity. we do not own our own glasses anymore;
by Audre Lorde. I have a printed copy She has +I had a dream where I got frustrated instead, we pay a monthly subscription fee that
on my desk, and I particularly love the been this in an argument with my boyfriend and has several benefits, except owning them. Dido’s
:

sentence ‘Possibility is neither forever nor elusive character grabbed their shoulders and shook them “Life for Rent” plays on the shop’s speakers.
instant’. that I had no reference for here in real life, a little. It scared me how real the dream Lost in layers of signs and symbols that have
haven’t met anyone like her. I would love to and the feelings felt. I’m not concerned textures but no meanings, I feel them without
w

How did your creative practice begin?

By journaling, journaling, journaling. I meet someone like Flora, get to know her, it will happen in real life but I’m shook by making them into chains of thought, but streams
needed to make sense of life since I was befriend her, be around her. That much I knowing it’s in me somewhere, the impulse of desire and repulsiveness that flow through
a teenager. It felt freeing, private, and know. to get physical out of frustration. my body, a body that desires softness but
e

empowering, to journal for myself without What are your current hobbies and/or +Kaikki luulee minun vihkoani wants to feel the bumpiness of unactualised
constraints. Going from journaling to passion projects? suunnitteluvihkoksi koska niin sanon disagreements. Stuck in the loops of the same
writing fiction was just a matter of time. My very talented pal Milja Komulainen and I kaikille. Tosiasiassa se on minun songs but willing to explore the novelty of bodies
i

Do you have any writing rituals/habits? got a bit of funding to start working on a dear runovihkoni johon kirjoitan runoja that touch bodies that touch hair; hair that
I don’t force myself to “write first thing in project of ours, ‘Ja’. It’s an anthology that vain yhdestä lempi ihmisestäni, touches the hair, and sweat that lubricates the
the morning” or any other made up rituals gathers fiction works of first-time writers in rakkaudestani. Sen takia en ikinä ole veins of my chest/boobs/the box that covers my
v

that are out there. I love that my writing English and Finnish, around a common theme. näyttänyt suunnitteluvihkoni suunnitelmia heart. How to make sense when sense loses its
starts spontaneously, without pressure It’s a new space for unpublished voices, kenellekkään, vaikka vihko onkin minulla sense amid an emerging togetherness?
(my deadlines do not love this), and then and for representing in the Finnish literary jokapaikassa aina mukanani. I sit at a café. Stuck in the loop of a thread
r

very naturally becomes a daily addiction landscape what we have and haven’t given +My secret is that I don’t like mother at of videos that recommended other videos that
on its own. light to yet. all, and I don’t think that she likes me activate memories of times in which I did not
What is your favorite tool? Less is more or more is not enough? that much either. She is a fucking true need to worry about worrying about existing
e

I use pen and paper for most of my If you ask my child, they’ll tell you without a narcissistic who makes me feel bad about outside of a thread of a network of care. I watch
writing! Or, at least the beginning of an doubt, in their own way: more is never enough. who I am, her child. Shakira playing on Brazilian television while nuns
idea (a chapter, a character, an essay) I try to be inspired by that 3-year-old innocence: +I’m heartbroken and I don’t want dance together. It was 1996. Pies Descalzos,
t

happens always first in pen and paper. more, please. More daydreaming, more anyone to know about it because I feel Sueños Blancos. She was 19; I was 8, but I
What kinds of books do you read? books, more characters, more rebellion, more embarrassed about it. I hate when people remember the occasion perfectly. Smashing
I read everything under the sky except contesting outdated structures, more healing. say to me that I shouldn’t trust people so Pumpkins played in the same tv show. They were
n

sci-fi and fantasy – so uncool but so true. I easily or have my hopes up... unwilling to play and said they would play only
just finished reading ‘I’m a fan’ by Sheena +The feeling of having a nice secret. if Ronaldo were brought to the studio to meet
Patel, and LOVED IT. Her debut novel Flora them. An impossible mission, but apparently, the
i

Which fictitious world would you like to send secrets here: soccer player was in a talk show on the channel
out now in Finnish. on the same day and was brought there. They
live in?
@whoisloisarmas sang, no smiles. Still, I hate soccer.
:

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