WEI – SIDE #1

ROBBY enters shirtless dressed in white pants. He carries two almost

identical white t-shirts. He puts one on and looks in the mirror. He makes
a face.

ROBBY
Drek!
Takes off the t-shirt and puts on the other one. Another face.
Worse drek!
Calls out to WEI in the bedroom.
Wei, it’s late!

WEI
(Entering from the bedroom in boxers)
No one gets up at 1:40 in the morning except gay men.

ROBBY
(Modeling)
Well....

WEI
Come on, Robby. What difference does it make? As soon as you start
dancing, off comes the shirt.

ROBBY
I do no such thing.
He throws a shirt at WEI.
I always wait one half hour before removing.

WEI
Why don’t we just stay home, and I’ll remove –

ROBBY
It’s Roxy’s White Party! Have you dropped a gay gene or something?

WEI
(Wrapping his arms around ROBBY)
Let’s spend the night letting our genes play together.

ROBBY
We’ll schedule a play date for them tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m going - I
mean we’re going.
 WEI
We’ve done the White Party, the Black Party, the Black and Blue Party, the
Yellow and Green Make Blue Party...why?

ROBBY
Because.

WEI
Yes?

ROBBY
Ohhhhhhhh - - It makes me feel special.

WEI
Don’t I?

ROBBY
Of course you do. But tonight, I need to feel special with an audience.

WEI
I can do audience.

ROBBY
I need audiences.

WEI
Do you think I’m too old for all this?

ROBBY
No, we do not. So, let’s go and get pretty - I’m ready to fly!

WEI
People going on 30 can only be P.M. pretty.

WEI exits into the bedroom. ROBBY goes to the bookcase and takes a
pill box from behind one of the books, takes Ecstasy, and puts the box
back behind the book. He exits into the bedroom.

END
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WEI – SIDE #2

WEI
(Calling from the kitchen)
Open the back of People magazine. There is a test to see if you’d make a
good father.

ROBBY opens the magazine on the coffee table.

ROBBY
You actually took it?

WEI enters with two donuts. Hands one to ROBBY.

WEI
And now read the results.

ROBBY
Oh…A Great Daddy.

WEI
100%.

ROBBY
You’re not going hetero-gay on me, are you?

WEI
Robby, we’ve talked about adopting.

ROBBY
And we also talked about buying a place on Fire Island, duplexing this
apartment, running away with Brad Pitt --

WEI
But this is possible.

ROBBY
Does this have anything to do with your turning 30?

WEI
Everything has everything to do with a gay man turning 30. Why wait? We’ve
been together three years - married couples have kids after nine
months.
 ROBBY
Yeah, like my parents. And nine months later, bye bye, Daddy.

WEI
You’re not your father.
Pause. Flirting.
What a great daddy you’ll be.

ROBBY
How serious are you about this?

WEI
What’s the step below serious?

ROBBY
Um — maybe.

WEI
I – I like kids - I’ve always liked them. You’ve seen me playing on the floor with
my niece and nephew. They like me. Kids like you, too.

ROBBY
They usually cry or kick me.

WEI
(Flirtatiously)
That’s what I did when I first met you...and you liked it.

ROBBY
And I still do. But I don’t want little Theo watching the show.

WEI
Little Theo? So, you’ve already given him a name.

ROBBY
Oh - we all fantasize. But when I see a little kid playing with his dad, I’m
not sure if I want to be the daddy or Theo.

WEI
You can probably be both.
Pause.
Take the test and find out.
 ROBBY
No.

WEI
(Stretching out his name)
Robby…
ROBBY shakes his head no.
Say yes, and then a matinee.

ROBBY
Good move.

END
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WEI – SIDE #3

WEI enters during blackout, takes the laptop off the table, and sits on the
couch. As the lights fade up, he calls to ROBBY in the bedroom.

WEI
Robby, can you come out? I need your critique.
ROBBY enters and sits on couch.
What do you think of this?
He begins reading aloud.
“That night, the Spirits of the River, feeling great sorrow for Kay-lin,
created a young man dressed in a white linen robe who carried a lily.
The next morning, Kay-lin and the young man with the lily, walked together in the
garden. As they peered into the pond, a school of carp swam by and painted
lines of happiness on the couple’s faces.”

ROBBY
Nice. Is that guy with the lily gay?

WEI
(Laughing)
No. There’s not even a word in Chinese for gay.

ROBBY
There must -
 WEI
There isn’t.

ROBBY
So how do they describe us?

WEI
“Men who plant seeds in the wind.”

ROBBY
It’s better than “queer.”

WEI
Oh, yes.
Changing the subject.
I wrote Mark and George a thank you note for last night’s dinner. Anything you
want to add?

ROBBY
Oh yes. “Please do not invite that Bert again.”

WEI
I can’t write that.

ROBBY
Come on – you saw him staring at us.

WEI
The old “stick to your own kind” look.

ROBBY
What do you think Bert was thinking?

WEI
I’m your wife.

ROBBY
And I’m a Rice Queen?

WEI
Does it bother you?
 ROBBY
Of course, but it bothers me more ‘cause I can see how it hurts you.

WEI
You get used to it.
Pause.
No, I don’t.
ROBBY hugs him.
Think it would be easier if we weren’t an inter-racial couple?

ROBBY
I think being any kind of couple ain’t for sissies. But if I hadn’t met you at
Splash, I never would have experienced “Moon Festival” with your family.

The phone rings.

WEI
I’m sure it’s for you.

ROBBY
(Answering the phone)
Hello? Willy… Do I? Of course…fabulous. ...My new Dolce and Gabanna, of
course… 11:30 it is. Thank you!!
He continues saying thank you to the phone after he hangs up.
Will did something or someone and now we have passes to the opening of
Barracuda tonight.

WEI
I’m too tired to play with sharks.

ROBBY
OK.

ROBBY takes off his shirt and begins to exit toward the bedroom.

WEI
You’re going?

ROBBY
Of course.

WEI
But don’t –
 ROBBY
(Cutting him off)
Now don’t play husband and wife.

WEI
No, but –

ROBBY
Good.

He begins to exit into the bedroom.

WEI
Robby?

ROBBY
Yeah.

WEI
If I said, “Don’t go,” what would you do?

ROBBY
What’s with the bullshit “If I said…” Just say it.

WEI
OK. Don’t go.

ROBBY
Why?

WEI
Because I’ll be home wondering.

ROBBY
Wei, I always end up here.

WEI
But why put yourself in that – situation where – you know – things could happen.

ROBBY
Things can happen anywhere.
 WEI
You know what I’m –

ROBBY
So be my chaperone.

WEI
I don’t want to go.

ROBBY
I do.

WEI
It’s –

ROBBY
A tie – we both get what we want.

WEI
I don’t see it that way.

ROBBY
Wei, I want to go.
WEI doesn’t respond.
I need to.

ROBBY exits into the bedroom.

WEI
We need to… I need to…
Pause.
…get some ice cream.

WEI exits into kitchen. Blackout.

END
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WEI – SIDE #4

…WEI enters from the kitchen. He sits at the computer and reads from
his Chinese Myth.

WEI
“That night, as they reclined under the branches of the plum tree, their
breaths became one. As she awoke the next morning, Kay-lin found
herself clutching only the withered lily. Summer had devoured Spring.”

ROBBY enters the front door.

ROBBY
Still up?

WEI
Yeah.

ROBBY
It’s pretty late.

WEI
I got worried.

ROBBY
Got talking.

WEI
Who were you with?

ROBBY
The usual Splashettes - Tony and Arthur.

WEI
Oh.

ROBBY
What’s the “oh”?

WEI
Oh - you fucked up, Robby.
 ROBBY
(Not wanting to deal with it)
Good night, Wei.

WEI
Arthur called earlier.

ROBBY
Oh.

WEI
Yeah. That’s the oh.

Pause.

ROBBY
I didn’t go home with him.

WEI
I don’t want to know. Didn’t you hear me say, “let’s go home?”

ROBBY
We were -

WEI
No! You were. It could have been anyone dancing with you.
ROBBY doesn’t respond.
Right? Am I right?

ROBBY
Let’s discuss this to –

WEI
Now.

ROBBY
I don’t think this is -

WEI
Now.

Pause.
 ROBBY
What do you want to know?

WEI
I want to know why I didn’t go and come home with my lover tonight.

ROBBY
I’m not ready to - I mean I wasn’t ready...I was - I was flying on that dance
floor tonight.

WEI
Bullshit!

ROBBY
(exiting into the bedroom)
Goodnight.

WEI
Robby, is it the baby?

ROBBY
No — Maybe. Um…
Pause.
The baby just made it now - um - immediate. Yes. No.

WEI
And?

ROBBY
And?

WEI
And us?

ROBBY
When I met you, I was just coming out. I was all confused about - safe
- safer - more safer - safest - much -

WEI
And I was your condom.

ROBBY
That’s not -
 WEI
And now it’s safer out there - you want to make up for all the fucks you
missed. Well - fuck you!

ROBBY
You’re so right - fuck me.
Pause.
You should be with someone who is where you are.

WEI
And where is that?

ROBBY
Ready to have a baby - ready to make a commitment with you.

WEI
But I love you.

ROBBY
And I -

WEI
Say it.
ROBBY doesn’t respond.
Say it.

ROBBY
I’m sorry I couldn’t become what you expected me to be.

WEI
Why didn’t you tell me this before?

ROBBY
Because I didn’t know how to.
Pause.
I wish I’d met you five years from now.

WEI
And I wish. Unfortunately...

Pause.
 ROBBY
So…

WEI
Robby - I’m not ready for “so” right now. I need to go into the bathroom.
You’ve just scooped out my stomach.

WEI exits into the bedroom. ROBBY exits the apartment.

END
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