Don't Tell Robert

DON'T TELL ROBERT
PILOT
"Who's the adult?"
Written by
MAX NEWMAN
DRAFT 8
April 8, 2016
maxbnew@gmail.com
317.443.5224
DON'T TELL ROBERT PILOT "WHO'S THE ADULT?" 1.
COLD OPEN
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA / PACERS VS. T-WOLVES - NIGHT 1
We pan across court-side seats until we see two 13-year-olds

-- ROBERT BAZZOLI (future NBA Coach, future Life Coach)
standing next to DREW (Mr. Insecure who walks on eggshells).
ROBERT
Ellis and George can’t play
together! The chemistry is all off.
DREW
Yeah. Injuries, dude.
ROBERT
Injuries? Trade rumors. Everyone’s
fighting. They’re un-coachable.
DREW
(way over Drew’s head) Robert, it’s
good to see you back to normal.
ROBERT
Life finally feels fine again. No
more worries at home. MAHIMI GET
OPEN OR GO HOME!
DREW
So, your parents are okay?
ROBERT
My mom seems truly happy. And my
dad, I don’t know if he’ll ever be
happy but he’s happier. REF, THERE
ARE RULES! You don’t seem so good --
DREW
(Sadly) The adoption went-through.
Sister arrives soon.
ROBERT
Weird that she shows-up like that,
like you ordered her from Amazon.
DREW
Pretty much. She’s from South
America. Arrives tomorrow.
ROBERT
Damn, Amazon Prime! (off Drew’s
sadness) Hey, my dad’s ticket is
yours any night he has a meeting.
DREW
Late meeting tonight.
ROBERT
Distracting himself with work. The
divorce got nasty and weird. My mom
dyed her hair blonde. My dad got
the Italian flag tattooed on his
shoulder. (off the game) Thirty
points? Let’s go back to my mom’s
and watch the Playboy channel.
DREW
Your mom has the Playboy Channel?
ROBERT
She accidentally ordered all of the
porn channels but none in HD. Old
people and media.
DREW
My dad isn’t picking us up for an
hour though.
ROBERT
Your dad? What are you, thirteen?
DREW
Yeah.
ROBERT
(takes out phone) Got us an Uber.
DREW
Ehh -- I have homework --
ROBERT
Drew-child, my mom’s at book-club.
No one home. Playboy Channel.
Volume - all - the - way - up!
ALAN O.S. DEBBIE O.S.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Ohmygah. Ohmygah.
INT. BAZZOLI HOME / BEDROOM - NIGHT 1
ALAN BAZZOLI, 35 (think Bobby Moynihan as a dad), Italian

flag tattooed on his shoulder, and DEBBIE STEINMAN-BAZZOLI,
35 (think Chelsea Peretti as a mom) bleached-blonde hair,
fall onto the bed exhausted.
DEBBIE ALAN
Wow. Wow, wow.
They look at each other. Eyes bulge.
DEBBIE ALAN
Don’t tell Robert. Don’t tell Robert.
INT. BAZZOLI HOME / FOYER - MINUTES LATER
Alan and Debbie are completely dressed. He kisses Debbie.
DEBBIE
He won’t be home for two hours.
Thinks I’m at some book-club.
ALAN
(Kissing her) Big meeting bright
and early. I’m sorry, honey-bunny.
DEBBIE
(Off Alan leaving) Stay -- I’ll do
that thing, you Italian Stallion.
He starts unbuttoning his shirt.
EXT. BAZZOLI HOME - CONTINUOUS
Black car drives off. Robert and Drew walk to the front-door.
DREW
I better see something dirty.
ROBERT
Oh, it will be dirty, all right.
Please, guests first.
He opens the door for Drew. They enter, out of frame.
DREW O.S.
Wow. That’s very high-definition.
INT. BAZZOLI HOME / FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Alan and Debbie on the kitchen table, graphically blurred-out

(to us). Robert covers his eyes... whoops, Drew’s eyes too.
ALAN
Oh sh##!
INSERT TITLE CARD: DON’T TELL ROBERT
END COLD OPEN

ACT I
INT. BAZZOLI HOME / LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 1 - CONTINUOUS
Alan and Debbie sit in bathrobes across from a pacing Robert.
DEBBIE
Most kids would love for their
parents to get back together.
ROBERT
You just divorced each other for
the eighth time!
ALAN ROBERT
Robert, let us explain. No. Let ME explain.
Robert walks out of frame. Sounds of metal objects.
ALAN
Oh no.
Robert returns with a metal filing cabinet on a hand-truck.
DEBBIE
Not the presentation, again.
Robert pulls out a stack of notebooks.
ALAN
C’mon. I have to get-up early.
ROBERT
Marriage number one. Me, age one --
boom, divorce number one.
Robert now holds a venture-capital-esque portfolio book.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
I’ll paraphrase marriages and
divorces two through eight.
Yelling, divorce fees, bankruptcy.
Robert holds-up a poster-board with all the divorces

outlined, diagramed and even a pie-chart.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
I’m now a preferred customer at
Staples. (holds a laptop) To run
the numbers, I had to learn Excel
and am almost proficient in
Quickbooks.
ALAN
You’re more qualified than my
assistant. Can you teach him Excel?
ROBERT
No!
DEBBIE
Can you teach me Quickbooks?
ROBERT
No! -- maybe later. Back to the
eight divorces.
DEBBIE
You don’t know everything. It’s
nine.
ALAN
Shhh.
ROBERT
You kept one from me! Nine
divorces?
DEBBIE
Christmas/Chanukkah ‘04, when you
were with my parents.
ROBERT
Married-divorced in the same day?
ALAN
Same hour.
ROBERT
Explain. I’m all ears because my
eyes are completely scarred.
ALAN
Robert, your mother and I love you.
We rushed into all those marriages
without truly being a team.
DEBBIE
We’re a team now, and that’s a
basketball metaphor.
ROBERT
Your team is terrible, and that’s a
divorce metaphor.
ALAN
You know how we love our Pacer’s
season tickets?
ROBERT
You mean the one thing we do so I
can still suspect you as my father?
ALAN
Yeah! And I have great news. Your
mom who’s hated basketball for
years, will join me this Saturday.
ROBERT
You mean join “us?” We’ll buy an
extra ticket as you only get two.
ALAN
No extra ticket. Just us. Not “us,”
us. (motions to just Debbie) Us.
ROBERT
They play Cleveland. I’m not
missing Lebron! Mom, don’t pretend
like you’re taking an interest.
DEBBIE
Oh, I hate basketball. But I’m
making an effort with your father.
ROBERT
You won’t even be watching the
game.
DEBBIE
I’ll bring my book. I have my
actual book-club next week.
ALAN
It’s going to be different than the
other eight marriages.
ROBERT
Nine! It was nine! Nine! Nine!
DEBBIE
Calm down. You’re sounding German.
ALAN
We know where we went wrong all
those times.
ROBERT
Okay, I’m listening --
DEBBIE
I never had a wedding dress.
ROBERT
No longer listening --
DEBBIE
Hear us. It was always the court
house. We are doing a proper
wedding. Family. Guests. Clergy.
Doing it right for the tenth and
final time!
ALAN
Family meeting with a minister
tomorrow.
DEBBIE
Pick you up after basketball to
slam-dunk the meeting together.
ROBERT
Can we stop at Staples?
INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / HALLWAY - DAY 2
Robert and Drew are at their lockers, putting books inside.
DREW
Are they setting a Guinness World
Record for most marriages and
divorces to each other?
ROBERT
I’m setting one for youngest
anxiety attack.
DREW
Why do you have to go to the
meeting with the minister?
ROBERT
So we can look like one big happy
family. Which it’ll look like,
because they’re in the “fix the
failure” phase, where they band-aid
whatever caused the previous
divorce.
(MORE)
ROBERT (CONT'D)
My dad will soon start improvising
poems about her and eventually, an
old band-aid will fall right off
taking them back to “we got married
too young,” and then they’ll sleep
in separate bedrooms. Inevitably,
my dad will get so absorbed in
blaming my mom, he’ll lose his job -
- my mom will re-invent her
identity and impulsively steal
something from Target.
DREW
You gotta stop them.
ROBERT
You think!? Wait, why aren’t you
miserable? Package didn’t arrive?
Drew becomes smitten by a girl down the hall.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Who is that?
DREW
That’s her.
ROBERT
That’s your sister?
DREW
(salivating) Yeah. I mean, yeah.
(waving) Sis, hey.
EVA (if a pessimistic Sofia Vergara were 13) down the hall
gives an obligatory wave and starts to walk over.
ROBERT
(off Drew drooling) Drew-child,
she’s your sister.
DREW
I know! Why couldn’t I have just
rescued her from the jungle myself.
ROBERT’S POV
Eva approaches in slow-motion surrounded by a smokey-haze.

Robert and her begin to slow-dance.
DREW’S POV
Eva continues walking. Drew swoops in Tarzan-like...

DREW (CONT’D)
I’m not your brother!!!!!!!!
ALL POV’S END -- BACK TO PRESENT
DREW (CONT’D)
(overly deep voice) Hey.
EVA
Hey, brother. Who’s this?
ROBERT
I’m Robert. Not related to you.
EVA
Hi. Drew, I think Mom and Dad
forgot to give me lunch money.
Robert hands her some cash.
EVA (CONT’D)
Oh. Thanks.
DREW
Ew, no. (hands her cash) Robert’s
Italian. Might be mafia money.
ROBERT
Half-Italian.
EVA
What’s the other half?
DREW
(scoffs) Jew -- His parents have
sex on his kitchen table. I saw it.
EVA
Why were you watching?
ROBERT
Because he was with me.
EVA
So, you both were watching?
ROBERT DREW
Um -- Um --
EVA (CONT’D)
I’ll see you guys later. Robert,
nice to meet you.
Eva walks off.

ROBERT
Jeez. Girls make you really
offensive.
DREW
What’s wrong with me? -- (snaps)
But you touch her, Robert, and I’ll
break your arm! I love her. (snaps
back) No I don’t! I’ll break my own
arm.
ROBERT
You are not in love -- And neither
are my parents. I’ll just tell the
minister how nasty divorce number
nine got.
DREW
Wait, nine? I thought it was eight.
ROBERT
They snuck one in on me.
DREW
Nine. The number of minutes it
takes for Eva to shower. Why am I
counting? Why’s this happening to
me?
ROBERT
Why’s this happening to me? Why
can’t my parents just stay apart?
DREW ROBERT
My sister. My parents.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
We have to be men about this and
handle business. -- But first!
DREW
Set your parents’ home on fire!
(that wasn’t it) What’s first?
ROBERT
Basketball tryouts. Jesus, Drew.
DREW
This girl is messing with my head.
ROBERT
You think!?
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / GYMNASIUM - DAY 2
We pan across a cluster of 7th graders, dressed for

basketball... until we reach someone dressed in a suit-and-
tie... holding a notebook -- it’s Robert.
TYLER
Where’s Coach Morrison?
DONNY
Yo, Bazzoli, where’s Coach?
JARROD
Yeah, team manager, where is he?
In walks DIAMOND (55), a middle-aged man who looks like the

guy on the Pringle’s can.
DIAMOND
Hi, everyone. Not sure how much six
o’clock news you watch, but Coach
Morrison’s services as basketball
coach are no longer needed. I’ll be
coaching the team this year.
DONNY
What did he do?
DIAMOND
Stay tuned at eleven.
DONNY
Since you’re the Principal too, do
we call you Principal Diamond or
Coach Diamond?
DIAMOND
During school, I’m Principal.
During practice, I’m Coach. And at
home with my son, I’m Larry.
DONNY
Why doesn’t he call you Dad?
DIAMOND
Because he hates me. So much so, he
calls me Larry. My name is Jim.
DONNY
And why does he --
DIAMOND
Let’s begin tryouts. Pass me the
pumpkin. (catches a ball and
dribbles) Ten laps around the gym.
Everybody gets up and starts running. Robert walks up to

Diamond, and studies his green notebook.
DIAMOND (CONT’D)
(re: team) Let’s see hustle.
ROBERT
(re: team) Hoosier pride, everyone.
Diamond notices Robert standing next to him.
DIAMOND
Why are you dressed-up? You look
like my tax attorney, Mendle
Finkelstein.
ROBERT
(reaches for hand-shake) I’m the
team manager.
DIAMOND
(pushes hand down) No, ya’ ain’t.
ROBERT
I already spoke to Coach Morrison
at the end of last year. He agreed.
DIAMOND
I’m the coach now. Play or go home.
ROBERT
Play? I’m a future NBA coach, not a
future NBA player. You really want
me on the team?
DIAMOND
You’d have to make the team first.
ROBERT
Why waste my time playing if I knew
I want to coach? I’m team manager.
DIAMOND
No team manger. I’m principal too.
I don’t have time to manage a team
manager. Play or go home.
INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / GYMNASIUM - MOMENTS LATER
The 7th Graders are scrimmaging against one another. Robert

dribbles the ball but it bounces off his legs out of bounds.
TYLER
HAHA! Look at Bazzoli.
JARROD
It’s basketball, not soccer.
INT. MINISTER MARIE’S OFFICE - NIGHT 2
Robert, Alan and Debbie sit across from the contemporary and
modern MINISTER MARIE (30) at her wooden desk.
DEBBIE
We’ve rediscovered each other.
ALAN
Every inch. Every mile. My heart
has ached all the while.
MINISTER MARIE
Beautiful. Did you write that?
ROBERT
He improvised that. (opens laptop)
Which brings me to --
MINISTER MARIE
I would love to do the wedding.
DEBBIE
Really? That was quick.
ROBERT
You don’t want to know more about
their history?
MINISTER MARIE
We all have baggage. I used to be
addicted to fast-food for example.
So much, that the words (whispers)
Big Mac, would make me bolt for the
drive-thru. I never let my
addiction hold me down. And I don’t
want you two to let past mistakes
hold you down. But first, you must
join the Church.
She hands them an application.

DEBBIE
Could you please pass me the pen?
Another basketball metaphor.
Robert, come on...
She looks at Robert to see his amusement. But he’s facing the
other way typing away at his laptop.
DEBBIE (CONT’D)
Alan, why don’t you start the
application. Robert? Robert, can we
talk outside?
INT. MINISTER MARIE’S OFFICE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Debbie and Robert stand by the closed-door.
DEBBIE
Honey, you okay? (off the silence)
Robert, sweetie, say something.
ROBERT
We were fine. We were finally fine
again. Believe me, I would love for
my parents to be together, but you
are so wrong for each other.
DEBBIE
I’m sorry. You just don’t
understand what love is.
ROBERT
A four-letter word, like f*#@ and
sh##.
DEBBIE
And A##. If you hold that last “s”
long enough. (off Robert smiling)
Oh, is that a smile coming from the
potty mouth? Sweetie, I hate to see
you like this. (ridden) There’s
that Steinman guilt kicking-in,
(looking up) thanks Mom! What if
your father and I agreed to put
everything on-hold so that things
can settle-down for now?
ROBERT
You would put your marriage with
Dad on pause for me?
DEBBIE
What good is a happy couple without
a happy child?
INT. MINISTER MARIE’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Debbie and Robert return. Robert packs up his bag.
DEBBIE
Alan, let’s finish up the
application when we get home.
ALAN
I already completed it. Look! I
filled your name in as Deborah
Steinman-Bazzoli. The hyphenation
is no longer a problem for me. If
you love your last name, I love
your last name.
DEBBIE
(tearing-up) Oh, Alan. Thirteen
years.
ALAN
Honey-bunny, I know.
DEBBIE
I’ve been waiting thirteen years
for you to say that.
Debbie kisses Alan, passionately.
ROBERT
Mom, but you just --
DEBBIE
I’m sorry. It’s a true rediscovery.
MINISTER MARIE
Robert, anything you want to add?
He grabs his laptop. He thinks and puts it back in his bag.
ROBERT
May I keep one of your pens as a
token of appreciation.
MINISTER MARIE
Sure.
ROBERT
Actually, a permanent marker
please. It’s more -- permanent.
INT. ALAN’S CAR - NIGHT 2
Alan driving. Robert stoic in the back.
ALAN
I can’t believe we got a yes!
DEBBIE
(eyeing Robert) Me neither.
ALAN
I don’t know why it took me so
long, Mrs. Steinman-Bazzoli.
DEBBIE
Robert, your father and I are truly
coming together.
ALAN
(winking) We will certainly try.
ROBERT
Your disgusting euphemisms don’t go
over my head. Neither do your
marriages or divorces.
ALAN
You did miss the one -- Robert, I’m
sorry. I know these changes are a
lot on you. The three of us will go
to the Cavs game together. You
won’t miss Lebron. How’s that?
Alan’s phone rings. He puts it on speaker.
ALAN (CONT’D)
Hello?
MINISTER MARIE V.O.

Hi, it’s Marie -- Your son, he --
ALAN
He what?
MINISTER MARIE V.O.

Your f###in son! He wrote “BIG MAC”
on my desk.
ALAN
What?
MINISTER MARIE V.O.

In permanent marker! I am NOT
marrying you two.
ALAN
You agreed. God was our witness.
MINISTER MARIE V.O.

Your only witness was that devil-
boy boy-man son of yours.
DRIVE-THRU VOICE V.O.

So you want TEN big macs?
ALAN
You’re already at McDonalds?
MINISTER MARIE V.O.

No. I’m still at my office.
DRIVE-THRU VOICE V.O.

Your total is sixty-four seventy-
five.
Dial tone plays. Alan pulls over.
DEBBIE
Robert, you actually had me fooled.
ROBERT
You had her fooled.
ALAN
Damn it. Damn it. No Cavs game for
you. Just us.
ROBERT
Good. Cos’ this is war.
ALAN
Who’s going to marry us now?
DEBBIE
Careful what you wish for, Robert.
I’m calling the Rabbi. You just got
the Jews involved!
END ACT II
ACT III
INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / CLASSROOM - DAY 3
Robert enters, sees Eva with empty desks on both sides of

her. Robert sits next to her. Drew sits on the other side.
DREW
Hey, sis. (re: Robert) Sup, Cannoli-
Manischewitz?
Drew mouths “sorry” to Robert.
EVA
I have something for you both.
DREW
Yeah?
She puts a dollar bill on each of their desks.
EVA
Thanks for lunch yesterday.
ROBERT
Very welcome.
DREW
Please. My treat, as your brother.
EVA
(taking the money back) Sure.
DREW
Look at matzah-pizza, keeping the
money.
ROBERT
You can have it. I don’t care.
He gives the money back to her.
EVA
You okay?
MRS. GILBERT (68), an old farty woman enters.
MRS. GILBERT
Pupils. We are supposed to read the
Hunchback of Notre Dame but I just
can’t do it. Forty-five years of
it. Done. Please pair into twos.
(MORE)
MRS. GILBERT (CONT'D)

Talk about what you think the book
is about.
Everyone pairs off. Drew puts his arm around Eva’s chair.
DREW
Keep it in the family, right? I
hear how that sounded.
EVA
Drew -- brother, we spend enough
time together. Robert, shall we?
Eva scoots her desk closer to Robert.
DREW
Hard-to-get. (re: self) Ew, Drew.
Mrs. Gilbert, I don’t have a
partner.
MRS. GILBERT
Then talk to yourself about what
you think the book is about. Go
ahead, talk. To yourself, Drew.
DREW
(re: self) I guess it’s a book
about a hunchback. Good idea, Drew.
ROBERT
What do you think the book is
about?
EVA
What are you about?
Drew eavesdrops.
ROBERT
Well, I come from a very messed-up
family.
EVA
Me too. That’s why I was adopted.
ROBERT
Yeah?
EVA
I know what it feels like to feel
alone.
(MORE)
EVA (CONT'D)
My family back in Bolivia, it was
like I was the only one who cared
if we ate or had a roof over our
head. Eventually, we didn’t. I got
out and got myself sent here.
DREW
Mrs. Gilbert, Eva and Robert aren’t
talking about the book.
EVA
Drew, stop being a child.
DREW
Mrs. Gilbert, my sister just --
EVA ROBERT
Shut up, Drew. Shut up, Drew.
Eva and Robert smile at each other.
MRS. GILBERT
Oh, who cares about the book? I
forgot, I’m supposed to announce --
(re: everyone) there will be a back-
to-school dance next Friday. I’ll
be chaperoning, and need to know --
show-of-hands. Anyone actually
interested in going?
All hands go up, except Eva’s and Robert’s. Drew’s goes down.
The kids are scrimmaging. Teammate in-bounds the ball to

Robert. He fakes a shot, dribbles to the hoop but is blocked
by JUSTIN, a giant six-foot-tall puberty beast.
JUSTIN
Go back to being team manager!
ROBERT
I would if Coach would let me!
Justin dribbles up the court full-steam ahead. Robert plants

his feet, closes his eyes and -- Justin pummels him over.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Foul!
DIAMOND
This isn’t the NBA, Finklestein.
Robert runs up the court holding his bleeding elbow. Ball is

passed to Justin. He dribbles, backing-up Robert to the hoop.
DIAMOND (CONT’D)
Stop trying to play like the pros.
ROBERT
Fine. I’ll play like a kid.
He pulls Justin’s pants down to his ankles, exposing his

white underwear. Basketball falls out-of-play. Robert smiles.
JUSTIN
Coach! Principal! Larry!
DIAMOND
Finkelstein!
Robert immediately gets serious.
DIAMOND (CONT’D)
My office. And Justin, pants up.
INT. DIAMOND’S OFFICE - DAY 3
Diamond sifts through cardboard boxes across from Robert

who’s putting a band-aid on his elbow.
DIAMOND
Coach Morrison left me with a mess.
ROBERT
Sorry about the scrimmage. I was
just trying to --
DIAMOND
Robert, you were spectacular.
ROBERT
Spectacular? I played like a
lunatic.
DIAMOND
True and you run like you’re having
a seizure, and you dribble like
there’s something genuinely wrong
with you, but you got in our best
player’s head. Keep that up and
maybe you’ll make the team.
ROBERT
I just want to be team manager.
DIAMOND
No team manager.
Diamond pulls out wrestling action figures from a box.
DIAMOND (CONT’D)
Wow! My son collects these. We both
love wrestling. You and your dad
have anything like that?
ROBERT
Pacers season tickets.
DIAMOND
They play the Cavs on Saturday.
Excited?
ROBERT
He’s taking someone else.
Diamond sees he hit a sore-spot with Robert. Hands him a toy.
DIAMOND
Take this home. My son won’t take
it, knowing it came from ol’ Larry.
ROBERT
No, thanks. But I’ll take that.
Robert points to a stack of yellow legal-pads.
DIAMOND
Legal-pads? You really are Mendle
Finkelstein. Next thing you’re
gonna tell me is you know Excel?
ROBERT
I do.
DIAMOND
Really? Can you teach me?
INT. BAZZOLI HOME - DINING ROOM - NIGHT 3
Alan, Debbie and Robert are eating dinner.
DEBBIE
We need you on your best behavior.
A Rabbi will be in our own home,
and we’d appreciate it if you did
not write on the furniture.
Alan puts on a yarmulke. And throws one over to Robert.

ALAN
Put it on.
DEBBIE
Put it on, Reuven.
ROBERT
(holding the yarmulke) Reuven?
DEBBIE
Yes, my orthodox son, Reuven.
She wraps a cloth over her hair like a shtettle-woman from

Fiddler on the Roof.
ROBERT
I said this was war. Not War-saw.
Come on, Mom.
DEBBIE
I’m not your Mom. (now a New York
accent) I’m your Motha. You’re such
a nice half-Jewish boy.
ROBERT
Half of me finds this really
offensive. And don’t even get me
started with the Jewish half.
Alan hangs-up a Barbra Streisand poster. Price-tag still on.
DEBBIE
Alan, leave the price tag. I want
to return it tomorrow.
Doorbell rings.
DEBBIE (CONT’D)
Okay, orthodox family. Let’s show
this Rabbi we know our stuff.
Debbie walks to the door. Robert walks over to the closet.
ROBERT
Where is my --
DEBBIE
Your filing cabinet is in storage.
ROBERT
You can’t take my stuff!
DEBBIE
I’m your overbearing mothaaaa!
INT. BAZZOLI HOME / LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER
The Bazzolis sit across from the youthful RABBI DAVID (30).
DEBBIE
Sure, it’s difficult to not use
electricity on Shabbat, but we --
(notices Rabbi David laughing)
What’s so funny?
RABBI DAVID
I came because I like challenges,
but I’ve never heard anyone say
they celebrate sixteen nights of
Chanukkah.
ALAN
(re: Debbie) Eighteen?
DEBBIE
I’m sorry. I really am Jewish.
RABBI DAVID
I never doubted that. The Barbra
Streisand poster still has its
price-tag on.
DEBBIE
We really want you to marry us. We
never had a proper wedding the
other eight or so times.
ROBERT
(blatantly German) NEIN!
RABBI DAVID
Can you all stop the pretend?
Teenage Hitler, too? I’m not
orthodox, everyone. Okay?
Rabbi David walks over to the poster of Barbra Streisand.
DEBBIE
Fine. Take it down.
Rabbi David takes it down and puts it on a different wall.
RABBI DAVID
Now I can see her better -- I want
everyone to speak honestly about
what they’re feeling. I’ll begin.
I’m hungry and honestly, I want
bacon. Alan, now you.
ALAN
I want to marry this woman.
DEBBIE
And I want to marry this man.
RABBI DAVID
Robert? What’s your “bacon?”
ROBERT
I want to go to school and not
worry how I have to keep these two
apart because their temporary
happiness leads to permanent
tragedy. I want to live on my own
in a different country. I want -- a
divorce from them.
DEBBIE
Robert, you don’t mean that?
ROBERT
That’s my bacon -- with cheese.
ALAN
Sure, Deb and I have had our
differences, but there’s something
to be said about our devotion. I
never cheated on her.
DEBBIE
We faked the whole orthodox thing,
but one thing we’ve never faked is
our love for each other.
RABBI DAVID
You know the orthodox do marriage
counseling before they get married?
-- That’s it. We do that. For
however long. Weeks, months, a
year. No kissing, no nothing. And,
we take it one step further -- No
seeing each other at all besides
our meetings. Robert behaves and
everyone stays happy while apart
through the process. Go to school
and no worries. Everyone abides by
the pre-marriage counseling, I do
the wedding. Agree?
Alan and Debbie look at each other... and then at Robert.

EXT. BAZZOLI HOME / DRIVEWAY - LATER THAT NIGHT
Robert is shooting hoops. He looks over at the front of the

house, where Debbie stands alone on the porch. She waves
goodbye to Alan and Rabbi David who walk to their cars parked
on the street.
Rabbi David drives off. Alan sees Robert shooting hoops.

Robert misses his shot. Alan gets out, walks over to Robert.
ALAN
Square-up. Your heart needs to face
the hoop. See? It’s facing the
Decker’s yard which is full of
dogsh##.
Robert adjusts and shoots -- swish.
ROBERT
I’m trying out for the team.
ALAN
Instead of team manager. How come?
ROBERT
Because nothing is going to plan --
You and mom for real about this?
ALAN
I’m committed, if you’re committed.
Pacers/Cavs on Saturday.
ROBERT
Just us?
ALAN
Just us.
We are close-up on Diamond.
PRINCIPAL DIAMOND
Unfortunately, not everyone can
make the team. If your name is
called, congratulations. (reading)
Chen. Kellen. Franklin. Waterman.
Billings. Rappoport. Thomas. Del
Santos. Herman. Polis. And, Patel.
We pull-out, revealing the team but Robert’s off to the side.

DIAMOND
Oh. And lastly --
Diamond tosses a stack of legal-pads to Robert.
DIAMOND (CONT’D)
Start drawing-up that triangle
offense, Finkelstein.
Everyone disperses. Robert walks up to Diamond.
ROBERT
Are you serious? I’m team manager?
DIAMOND
No team manager. You’re the
assistant coach. (hands Robert a
whistle) Congrats, Coach Bazzoli.
ROBERT
COACH BAZZOLI?! Oh my God.
DEBBIE O.S.
Ohmygah.
ROBERT
Oh my God!
ROBERT DEBBIE O.S.

Oh my God. Ohmygah.
ALAN O.S. DEBBIE O.S.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Ohmygah. Ohmygah.
INT. ALAN’S CONDO / BEDROOM - DAY 4
Alan and Debbie fall onto the bed exhausted. They look at
each other. Eyes bulge.
DEBBIE ALAN
Don’t tell Robert. Don’t tell Robert.
END ACT III

TAG
INT. DREW’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 4
Drew sits at his desk doing homework. There’s a KNOCK at the

door.
DREW
Come in.
Eva enters, wheeling in a suitcase.
EVA
They’re still painting my room.
DREW
Oh.
EVA
Looks like I need to bunk-up here
tonight, if that’s okay?
DREW
Yeah, you should -- I mean, sure.
EVA
Mom said there’s an air mattress?
DREW
Air mattress? I don’t have an air
mattress. Please, sis. You can have
my bed.
EVA
Where will you sleep?
DREW
In my bed.
They share a long silent stare.
DREW (CONT’D)
Kidding! I totally have an air
mattress that I’ll sleep on.
Drew retrieves an air mattress pack from his closet and

starts unfolding it.
DREW (CONT’D)
Go ahead. Make yourself
comfortable.
Eva opens her suitcase and lays clothes out on Drew’s bed.
She sees Drew blowing-up the air mattress.
EVA
You sure? You don’t mind sleeping
on that tonight?
DREW
It’s no problem. Please.
She smiles appreciative and walks over. Hunches down and

kisses Drew on the cheek.
EVA
Thank you -- brother.
DREW
You are so welcome.
EVA
I’m gonna brush my teeth.
She walks into Drew’s private bathroom and shuts the door.
DREW
You got this, Drew. You’re doing
great. Holding yourself together.
EVA O.S.
Drew, do you mind if I take a
shower too?
DREW
(re: himself) Oh, please, no.
EVA O.S.
Drew?
DREW
Yeah, go right ahead.
EVA O.S.
Thanks.
Sounds of shower going. Drew closes his eyes. This hurts.
He looks at his watch.
DREW
One one-thousand. Two one-thousand.
Three one-thou --
END EPISODE

Don't Tell Robert - Pilot - Max Newman

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Don't Tell Robert - Pilot - Max Newman

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"Who's the adult?"

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA / PACERS VS. T-WOLVES - NIGHT 1

We pan across court-side seats until we see two 13-year-olds

ALAN O.S. DEBBIE O.S.

INT. BAZZOLI HOME / BEDROOM - NIGHT 1

ALAN BAZZOLI, 35 (think Bobby Moynihan as a dad), Italian

They look at each other. Eyes bulge.

INT. BAZZOLI HOME / FOYER - MINUTES LATER

Alan and Debbie are completely dressed. He kisses Debbie.

He starts unbuttoning his shirt.

EXT. BAZZOLI HOME - CONTINUOUS

He opens the door for Drew. They enter, out of frame.

INT. BAZZOLI HOME / FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Alan and Debbie on the kitchen table, graphically blurred-out

INSERT TITLE CARD: DON’T TELL ROBERT

END COLD OPEN

INT. BAZZOLI HOME / LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 1 - CONTINUOUS

Alan and Debbie sit in bathrobes across from a pacing Robert.

Robert walks out of frame. Sounds of metal objects.

Robert returns with a metal filing cabinet on a hand-truck.

Robert pulls out a stack of notebooks.

Robert now holds a venture-capital-esque portfolio book.

Robert holds-up a poster-board with all the divorces

INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / HALLWAY - DAY 2

Robert and Drew are at their lockers, putting books inside.

Drew becomes smitten by a girl down the hall.

Eva approaches in slow-motion surrounded by a smokey-haze.

Eva continues walking. Drew swoops in Tarzan-like...

ALL POV’S END -- BACK TO PRESENT

Robert hands her some cash.

Eva walks off.

INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / GYMNASIUM - DAY 2

We pan across a cluster of 7th graders, dressed for

In walks DIAMOND (55), a middle-aged man who looks like the

Everybody gets up and starts running. Robert walks up to

Diamond notices Robert standing next to him.

INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / GYMNASIUM - MOMENTS LATER

The 7th Graders are scrimmaging against one another. Robert

INT. MINISTER MARIE’S OFFICE - NIGHT 2

She hands them an application.

INT. MINISTER MARIE’S OFFICE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Debbie and Robert stand by the closed-door.

INT. MINISTER MARIE’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Debbie and Robert return. Robert packs up his bag.

Debbie kisses Alan, passionately.

He grabs his laptop. He thinks and puts it back in his bag.

INT. ALAN’S CAR - NIGHT 2

Alan driving. Robert stoic in the back.

Alan’s phone rings. He puts it on speaker.

MINISTER MARIE V.O.

MINISTER MARIE V.O.

MINISTER MARIE V.O.

MINISTER MARIE V.O.

DRIVE-THRU VOICE V.O.

MINISTER MARIE V.O.

DRIVE-THRU VOICE V.O.

Dial tone plays. Alan pulls over.

INT. WESTIN MIDDLE SCHOOL / CLASSROOM - DAY 3

Robert enters, sees Eva with empty desks on both sides of

Drew mouths “sorry” to Robert.

She puts a dollar bill on each of their desks.

He gives the money back to her.