WHEEL OF QUESTIONS

written by

Author

Address
Phone
E-mail
Lights up on four empty podiums, and a large sign reading the
name "Wheel of Questions" A fifth podium stands, and at it is
the host, whose name, we learn, is BOBBY BIGTIME. He delivers
the following speech as he introduces the contestants.

BOBBY BIGTIME
Hello, folks, welcome to Wheel of
Questions, I'm Bobby Bigtime, and
we're gonna have a lot of fun
tonight. Wheel of Questions is
sponsored by Sarah Palin's new
perfume, "The Second Amendment."
Smell so good, every house
republican will fight for you, and
no one will be able to go two miles
without seeing a sign defending
your grueling existence. But enough
about that, let's introduce
tonight's contestants!
(Cheering is heard from
the invisible studio
audience)
Our first contestant, a 35 year old
homemaker and mother of nine from
Joplin, Missouri, Ashleigh Thomas!
ASHLEIGH THOMAS struts on pridefully, waving at the audience,
carrying a purse.
BOBBY (CONT'D)
So, Ashleigh, tell the audience a
few fun facts about yourself.
ASHLEIGH
Well, as a Mother of Nine, life can
get pretty crazy. Having nine kids
can sure be a handful. But, I love
my nine kids, all nine of them, and
I wouldn't trade my nine kids for
the world.
BOBBY
Great!
ASHLEIGH takes her place at the first podium
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Our next contestant is a 45 year
old Parakeet breeder, from
Kalamazoo, Michigan, Jubjub!
JUBJUB, a seemingly normal man, walks on, generally well
dressed
 2.

BOBBY (CONT’D)
How ya doing tonight Jubjub?
JUBJUB
(referring to himself in
the third person in a
low, raspy voice)
Jubjub good
BOBBY
Would you like to share a few facts
about yourself with the audience?
JUBJUB
Jubjub gonna have fun time

JUBJUB takes his spot at the podium

BOBBY
Alrighty, Our next contestant is a
39 year old assistant librarian
from Spokane, Washington. Please
welcome Geraldine Bartosiewicz!
GERALDINE, a twitchy, fidgety, generally filthy woman who
carries herself like a shrew, enters and is greeted by BOBBY:
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Hey there Geraldine, how's it going
GERALDINE
I'm fine dandy
BOBBY
Great! Would you like to share
anything with the audience?
GERALDINE
You're not gonna get anywhere
without the bees on your side!
GERALDINE says this, mostly to herself, while walking to her
podium
BOBBY
Alright then, our final contestant
is a well-respected man in his home
country of Great Britain. 95 years
old, from London, England, we
welcome His Royal Highness The
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh,
Earl of Merioneth and Baron
Greenwich, Consort to Our Lady the
Queen of England!
 3.

PRINCE PHILIP walks onstage, well dressed, cane in hand,

making sure to go to each of the contestants, shaking their
hand, and stating his title amidst the never-ending applause
of the invisible studio audience
PRINCE PHILIP
(to Bobby, speaking in an
old man voice)
Nice to meet you, i'm His Royal
Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and
Baron Greenwich, Consort to Our
Lady the Queen of England!
(to Ashleigh)
Nice to meet you, i'm His Royal
Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and
Baron Greenwich, Consort to Our
Lady the Queen of England!
(to Geraldine)
Nice to meet you, i'm His Royal
Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and
Baron Greenwich, Consort to Our
Lady the Queen of England!
(to Jubjub)
Nice to meet you, i'm His Royal
Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and
Baron Greenwich, Consort to Our
Lady the Queen of England!
Applause ends, and PRINCE PHILIP claps twice, and on comes a
SERVANT BOY who rolls out a red carpet on which PRINCE PHILIP
walks to his podium
BOBBY
Now that we have all of our
contestants, it's time we explain
the rules
(Invisible audience laughs
at this, for a very long
time)
Settle down, people. Now, here's
how this will go. We spin this here
wheel to get our category.
A well-dressed HOSTESS enters, and reveals a colorful wheel,
only two of which have words on them: 'Hoosier Daddy' and
'The Alphabet,' and exits
 4.

Each contestant will get a

question, if they get it wrong or
cannot answer, it will move on to
the next person until someone
answers correctly or we get through
all of the contestants. The first
category? Let's Spin that Wheel!
PRINCE PHILIP claps twice, his SERVANT BOY enters, spins the
wheel, and exits.
BOBBY (CONT’D)
And the category is "Hoosier
Daddy!" which concerns famous men
from Indiana! Ashleigh,the first
question is for you: This man
hailing from Indianapolis, was the
youngest Indianan ever elected to
the US senate, and later went on to
be the 44th Vice President of the
United States. What is his name?
ASHLEIGH
Hmmmm, lets see, you know, I have 9
kids, so remembering Vice
Presidents is pretty easy. Number
forty-four must have been just
around when I was 9 or 10, 1990,
around there? If I was 14 years out
from having my first kid, and I had
a kid every year after for nine
years, and I have nine kids, that
must mean that it's... Dan Quayle?
BOBBY
Correct you are! Next question,
Jubjub

JUBJUB
Jubjub ready
BOBBY
Okay, A hoosier by the name of John
Schnatter, born in Jeffersonville,
runs what might be called the
"Papa" of all Pizza Companies. What
is this company?
JUBJUB
Jubjub answer "Papa Pizza"
BOBBY
I'm sorry, that is incorrect, The
question moves to Geraldine.
 5.

JUBJUB
Jubjub oopsied
BOBBY
Okay, Geraldine, what is your
answer?
GERALDINE
(Speaking to some
collection of divine
beings)
Come now, friends, what's the
answer? Who's the pizza papa? Give
me the pizza papa. What's that?
Ahhh... yes, you are correct. You
have pleased your master. I am-
BOBBY
Geraldine?
GERALDINE
(Snapping out of it)
Yes, mister?
BOBBY
What is your answer?
GERALDINE
It's Papa John's
BOBBY
Correct!
GERALDINE
We always are...

BOBBY
Alright then, next question to His
Royal Highness, The Prince Philip,
Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of
Merioneth and Baron Greenwich,
Consort to Our Lady the Queen: In
2016, the United States elected
Donald Trump their president. His
running mate, the 50th Governor of
the hoosier state, will be the 47th
Vice President of the United
States. Who is this man?
PRINCE PHILIP thinks for a moment, then claps his hands again
and the SERVANT BOY runs on to whisper the correct answer
PRINCE PHILIP
Hmm, ah yes, Micheal Pence
 6.

BOBBY
Right. Our next category is "The
Alphabet." First question goes to
our lowest scorer, which is Jubjub-
JUBJUB
Jubjub
BOBBY rolls his eyes and continues the question:
BOBBY
Alright, what letter comes before
"I" but after "G"?
JUBJUB takes a long time with this, carefully saying every
letter in the alphabet, until he finally arrives at his
answer:
JUBJUB
Jub-A, Jub-B, uhh... Jub-C, Jub-D,
Jub-E, and uhhh... Jub-F, Jub-G,
Jub-H! Jubjub answer H!
BOBBY
(Getting aggravated)
Good... Ashleigh! Your question:
how many letters are in the
alphabet?
ASHLEIGH
Oh I just taught Nayvie and Phaucet
this!!! You know, because I have 9
kids. Anyway, it's 26, which is how
old I was when I had my first kid.
First of 9 anyway!
BOBBY
Okay, great, Ashleigh, i'm really
glad you have 9 kids, but now we're
onto-
At this point, GERALDINE lets out a loud, bloodcurdling
scream that lasts several seconds, running out into the
middle of the stage, running in a circle, standing still, and
eventually fainting. There is silence as all look around in
shock. After a few seconds, GERALDINE twitches, stands up,
walks back to her podium, and pretends as if nothing has
happened. PRINCE PHILIP claps again, on rushes the servant
boy to move GERALDINE from next to PRINCE PHILIP to the
farthest podium away

BOBBY collects himself and moves on

 7.

BOBBY (CONT’D)
Well, since most of these questions
will probably result in somebody
doing something unnecessary, let's
go to our commercial break, and
we'll be back with our final Wheel
of Questions.

All onstage freeze. A boy in a turtle suit is appears

onstage, banging pots and pans. He yells:
COMMERCIAL BOY
Get yourself some kitchen utensils!
The commercial ends.
BOBBY
(bored)
Welcome back folks. Since i don't
remember who got what questions
right, and frankly, I don't really
care, our Final question will
determine the winner. Let's reveal
the wheel:
Bobby pulls the curtain, and a wheel is revealed with one
color and one category, 'The Legality of Vaping at Webster
Schroeder High School'

BOBBY (CONT’D)
Someone just spin it
PRINCE PHILIP claps twice, on rushes the SERVANT BOY. At the
same time, the HOSTESS comes on. The two bump into each other
on the way to the wheel. They are immediately in love. He
spins her into his arms, the two share a passionate kiss,
and, while still locking lips, they spin the wheel and exit.
ASHLEIGH
Aww, You know,they remind me of my
oldest and his fiance, they're so
in love, they're first cousins, but
none of us mind. Guess that's what
happens when you've got nine kids,
really,
ASHLEIGH continues an improvised ramble as the COMMERCIAL BOY
enters, hits her over the head with a frying pan, and exits.
ASHLEIGH falls to the ground.
BOBBY
(clearly confused)
What the-
(continues with the show)
(MORE)
 8.
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Alright, I don't even care. The
category is "The Legality of Vaping
at Webster Schroeder High School,"
JUBJUB
Jubjub love this one
BOBBY
Fill in the blank: "It is *blank*
to vape at Webster Schroeder High
School." You each have 10 seconds
to write your answers down
(he counts down, careless)
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
3... 2... 1... Alright, show us
what you got.
Each contestant holds up their whiteboard. Jubjub has written
"George H.W. Bush," Geraldine has "Illegal," PRINCE PHILIP
has "frowned upon, but definitely fun"
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Alright, Jubjub, what have you
written?
JUBJUB
Jubjub write George H.W. Bush
BOBBY
"It is George H.W. Bush to vape at
Webster Schroeder High School"
JUBJUB lets out confirming grunt.
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Are you brain dead Jubjub? Do you
have a brain? No, the correct
response is not "George H.W. Bush."
Geraldine, what do you have?
GERALDINE
My friends told me it was illegal.
BOBBY
That is correct! Ladies and
Gentlemen, we have a-
PRINCE PHILIP claps his hands twice. Nothing. He does this
again. Nothing. He coughs loudly, the SERVANT BOY scatters
on, covered in kisses. The SERVANT BOY switches GERALDINE and
PRINCE PHILIP's boards and exits.
GERALDINE
I'll kill you.
 9.

PRINCE PHILIP
I haven't an idea in the slightest
what you speak of.
GERALDINE
You can't just come up in here like
some sort of boolery jack and slip
away me board like that
PRINCE PHILIP
Why do you speak in such a way? It
simply sounds unhealthy
GERALDINE
I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO THE MENTAL
ASYLUM!!!
PRINCE PHILIP
Hmmm... we'll see about that
PRINCE PHILIP and GERALDINE begin to fight physically. JUBJUB
begins rolling on the floor, screaming, as BOBBY tries to
break them up. BOBBY becomes frustrated, and yells:

BOBBY
That's it! Geraldine is the winner!
Now if you excuse me i'm quitting
my job to be something less
stressful... maybe a lawyer or a
high school teacher...
ASHLEIGH
(rising from the ground
suddenly, phone in hand)
Aww, really? That's a shame. But
listen to this: my friend Stefeni
just announced her engagement on
Facebook, but I have nine kids so
that doesn't matter...
In a similar fashion as before, the COMMERCIAL BOY enters,
clonks ASHLEIGH over the head. Before exiting, he says:
COMMERCIAL BOY
The moral of the story is: It is,
in fact, ILLEGAL to vape at Webster
Schroeder High School.
THE END.