Little Footsteps Ted Tally

BEN: Baby joke, okay? A Catholic, a Protestant, and yes, of course, a Jew, are all asked
What is the moment at which life begins? And the Catholic says, At the precise instant
of conception. The Protestant says, On the day that were born. And the Jew says,
When the kids go off to college and the dog dies. (Pause.) I guess that more or less
sums up my own anxieties about becoming a father. Not that I have a dog but sooner or
later, guys sooner or later, Mother Nature sneaks up behind us, taps us on the shoulder,
and delivers her sucker punch. It always goes something like this
JOANIE: Darling?
BEN: Yes, honey?
JOANIE: Theres something I have to tell you Were going to have a baby!
BEN: Youre kidding!
JOANIE: No Im not. Its due tomorrow.
BEN: But how did this happen?
JOANIE: Well, youre not disappointed, are you?
BEN: Me? Of course not! Ha ha ha, what a thought! Im just a little surprised is all.
JOANIE: You mean you never noticed that my stomach was getting bigger every month,
and my breasts? You didnt see I was throwing up all the time, and had heartburn and
gas?
BEN: Gross me out, huh? I like that part about your breasts getting bigger. Will they stay
that way?
JOANIE: Ben, youve been a good husband to me. But sometimes, darling, I wonder if
youre not just a little bit too wrapped up in yourself.
BEN: Hey, this feels like a balloon.
JOANIE: Its not! Its our baby
BEN: It feels squeaky.
JOANIE: Ben, Ive carried I for thirty-nine weeks BEN, DONT YOU DARE!
BEN: Hold still
JOANIE: This isnt funny! Youll hurt it! STOPPPPPP!
BEN: Joanie? Hey, Joanie? She, ah she didnt mean that. I mean, that wasnt even
the real Joanie. Its such a rare event for the real Joanie ever to get mad. See, the thing
about my wife is that shes almost incredibly nice. Joanie is nice the way Mozart
wrote a few tunes you know what Im saying? But the thing is even though shes
such a good person, I cant seem to resist being mean to her. And I love her, I really do!
But sometimes its almost like Im compelled to be this total jerk, just so I can admire
how well she copes with it.
JOANIE: Hi, honey! God, I missed you! What are you wearing?
BEN: My underwear.
JOANIE: You sure havent done much painting in here.
BEN: Well
JOANIE: Ben, you promised!
BEN: I didnt want to mess up my good clothes. I cant paint in forty-dollar designer
jeans!
JOANIE: Ben, its washable paint! Were so far behind now well never mind well do
it together. Thatll be more fun anyway!
BEN: Goody goody Im going okay? Dont believe a word she says.
JOANIE: Our friends ask me why I want another baby when Ive already got one. Mister
Responsibility. The irony is, hes gonna make a great father. He just doesnt know it yet.
Hes got so much love to offer. Why cant he why cant he be just a little bit happier
about this? Or at least pretend he is. I mean, all I have to do is walk down the street
more like roll down, and I get this goofy smile on my face.
BEN: Lies, lies, a tissue of lies.
JOANIE: I guess youd have to know sooner or later, Ben. I told them you were in
Tee Vee.
BEN: Oh, God, no. You didnt. Friends, I was young. I was a fool. They said Id meet
Miss Piggy.
JOANIE: Usually, to avoid embarrassment, we just pretend hes in some other
occupation. Actually, Ben is in television sports.
BEN: Sports promotion.
JOANIE: Its a network staff job.
BEN: I design those promos.
JOANIE: He was a finalist for a Clio Award.
BEN: I lost out to a public-service spot on drug abuse. Depressed me so much I got
stoned for a week.
JOANIE: Why did you tell them that?
BEN: Okay. Two days.
JOANIE: Oh, youre so full of it, Ben.
BEN: Joanies a little paranoid about drugs. Shes afraid we did so many of them in
college
JOANIE: You did so many!
BEN: I did so many of them, that the baby will be born looking like Flipper. Ork! Ork!
Ork! Ork!
JOANIE: Thats not funny! Dont even think that!
BEN: But honey, John Lennons kid turned out great!
JOANIE: You go too far sometimes, you know that? Telling your stupid little dead baby
jokes.
BEN: Ive never done that!
JOANIE: Ohh, How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop of ice cream, and one
scoop of dead baby. You think its so funny to joke about now, but what if it did? You
wouldnt be able to handle it! Youd be out the door like a shot, and leave me stuck
with
BEN: Thats just not true! Were in this thing together one hundred percent. Dint you
know that I would never, ever desert you by now sweetheart? Im trying to reassure you.
JOANIE: Well just leave me the hell alone!
BEN: Ork! Ork! Ork! There I go again! What is wrong with me? I dont want to hurt
her okay, but shes overacting too. The pregnant female and Im not being sexist here
okay? Is just not as rational as the male. Pure and simple
JOANIE: Benjamin?
BEN: Oh, hiya, Doctor Latimer! Did everything come out okay in the delivery room?
Thats a joke! You know baby? come out?
JOANIE: My poor dear Benjamin
BEN: Its Joanie, isnt it? Somethings happened to Joanie!
JOANIE: Your wife is fine. I have her under sedation. She doesnt know yet.
BEN: Know what? You mean the baby? You mean its
JOANIE: Oh no, no, its alive! That is, we definitely feel that its living.
BEN: Why why do you say it? Is it a boy or girl?
JOANIE: Yes!
BEN: Answer me, Doctor please!
JOANIE: Look, why split hairs? I told you it was alive.
BEN: WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CHILD?!
JOANIE: Ben, Im going to level with you. We in the medical profession dont hit a
home run every time. In fact, once in awhile we miss the bunt sign, and the go-ahead
runner gets saught in a suicide squeeze. Ben, what Im trying to say is, your well lets
call him your son was born without a body.
BEN: Without a body? Oh my god, thats horrible!
JOANIE: Yes, yes it is. I can only suspect that you or Joanie must have experimented at
some point with a marijuana cigarette.
BEN: You mean my boy is nothing but a head? Thats all there is to him? Well, look,
thats not thats not the end of the world is it? I mean, football is out, sure but I can still
teach him to play chess.
JOANIE: I only wish it were that simple, Ben.
BEN: Theres more?!
JOANIE: Less! Your son doesnt even have a head. In fact, hes just an eyeball. I have
him right here.
BEN: This is my son?

JOANIE: Careful how you hold him. He blinks.
BEN: My son is an eyeball?
JOANIE: Yes, yes, but rather a big one for his age.
BEN: OH MY GOD DOCTOR! MY SON IS AN EYEBALL! WHAT COULD BE
WORSE THAN THIS!
JOANIE: Hes blind.
BEN: Where do we stand on Barbie dolls
JOANIE: Thats different. Barbie is sacred.
BEN: Maybe if we have a boy, we should get him a Barbie. And if its a girl, give her
a Ken doll. Stamp out sexism right there in the cradle.
JOANIE: Aha! But explain that the Ken doll may also have certain feelings toward
G.I. Joe?
BEN: Good one fifty points.
JOANIE: Ben and I play this game we call Tough Questions. Sort of a rehearsal.
BEN: Mommy, Mommy, what is my thing for?
JOANIE: All the real biggies we might have to face someday.
BEN: Parenthood, huh? The Unprepared attempting the Impossible for the sake of the
Ungrateful. Stillwhatcha gonna do?
JOANIE: Its just that people who chose never to have babies seem a little
BEN: Happy? Peaceful? Free? You know, this morning, I kept coming across all this
junk from college. And I thought, why did I save this mess all these years? Ive never
looked at it, not even once. Unless it was to show my kid someday. And of course in
the years ahead, weve got lots of other great expressions to look forward to. Like, Gee,
kids, I dont know youll have to ask your mother!
JOANIE: Its okay with me if its okay with your Dad.
BEN: Your Mom and I are going to take a little nap now
JOANIE: Hey!
BEN: - so pay no attention to those strange sounds you may hear. Thats just Daddy,
strangling the cat.
JOANIE: Ben!... Ill tell you something, but you have to promise never to tell Ben. Im
six months pregnant, and I think maybe my marriage is ending? BEN:
BEN: Repeat what you just said.
JOANIE: What if Im having this baby for all the wrong reasons? What if this is really
just some ridiculous attempt to make Ben stop taking me for granted?
BEN: Shes the one shes the once who sits around here doing her little drawings all
day, and then says Oh I got some time to kill, I think Ill have a baby! So you tell me
whos selfish around here? I never wanted this kid!
JOANIE: Ben, youre trying to make me choose between you and the baby.
BEN: What was I supposed to do? Knock you out and drag you to the abortion?
JOANIE: You dont say that to me! Get out of here. Just get out. I mean it, youre
obviously hysterical, so just get out of my sight.
BEN: We can fix it ?
JOANIE: Not this time, Ben.
BEN: Joanie?
JOANIE: When is he going to stop punishing me for being pregnant? Thats what Id
like to know. I mean, this didnt happen by spontaneous combustion! Im sorry, I get
so dizzy sometimes. Lets have it, he said. So what if its a surprise. Were as ready as
well ever be he said that. And now, because I was dumb enough to take him at his
word, hell never forgive me. Ben is better at cleverness than at feelings. And Im
stronger than he is, Ive always known that. But... I dont know if I can be strong enough
for three.
BEN: I climbed on top of garbage cans out there I crawled up six flights of rusty
latters I may still be confused about a few things I may even have screwed up me
entire life. And Im not gonna just stand around and watch while you turn him into some
kind of of golfer! We share this. We always will, no matter how many times we
both screw it up.
JOANIE: Ben. I always wanted to somehow paint a rainbow over us. I cant spend the
rest of my life just taking care of you! Im a mother now. I love you, Ben. I always will.
And theres nothing I want more than for us to somehow work this out. But Ben, if you
cant help me then I need for you to not be one of my problems. Sweetheart, I need for
you to decide about it, right now.
BEN: Im scared Joanie.
JOANIE: I am too.
BEN: What if I cant love him enough?
JOANIE: What if you never try?
BEN: I never picked you up anything before, so maybe Ill do that. But it doesnt mean
anything, pal, so dont get any big ideasFather!FatherNow what?!