The Simpsons

"Illuminati and Cheese"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. GAME SHOW SET - DAY

SKIP SKIPPERADINKYDOO (45) is hosting a game show. PROFESSOR
FRINK, HOMER, and DISCO STU are the contestants. LISA,
MARGE, and BART are among the 30 people in the STUDIO
AUDIENCE.
SKIP
(TO AUDIENCE / CAMERA) Welcome to TeleTrivia. I'm your host, Skip
Skipperadinkydoo -- and this is the
lowest budget show in TV history. I
actually got paid more when I was doing
migrant farm work in Guadalajara. But
then I thought, with a name like Skip
Skipperadinkydoo, I either have to be a
game show host, or the spokesman for
Dindery Doodles -- the world's only
snack food you can eat without moving
your teeth. Alright! Our contestants
today are John Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr.,
Homer Simpson, and Disco Stu.
BART
(CALLS OUT) Homer, Homer, he's our man!
If he can't do it, it's because he's
too dumb.
HOMER
Why you little!
Homer runs up to Bart and starts choking him.

2.

SKIP
Homer -- please stop choking the studio
audience.
HOMER
He's my son.
SKIP
Oh. Well, then -- continue choking.
Homer chokes Bart for a few more seconds, and then walks
back to the contestants' area.
SKIP (CONTD)
And here's our first question.
PROFESSOR FRINK
I'll take Star Trek for 2000, Alex.
HOST
Nice try, Professor -- but this isn't
Jeopardy. It's Tele-Trivia. And Dindery
Doodles are part of a complete,
nutritious dinner. (TO ALL THREE
CONTESTANTS) OK. Here's our first
question. For $10. What Hee-haw
character was repeatedly hit over the
head with a rubber chicken?
HOMER
Um. I don't have a buzzer.
SKIP
We can't afford buzzers. Just raise
your hand.
Homer raises his hand.

3.

HOMER
Samuel B. Sternwheeler
SKIP
That's correct! You just won $10.
HOST
Woo-hoo!
SKIP
However, we charge a $5 service fee any
time you answer a question correctly.
HOMER
D'oh! ... Wait a second. You charge $5
whenever I'm right?
SKIP
That's correct! And we're gonna have to
charge you another $5 for that second
correct answer.
HOMER
But I wasn't even answering a question
that time.
SKIP
That's correct! And that brings your
total down to negative $5.
Skip walks up to Homer, takes Homer's wallet out of his
pocket, and removes a $5 bill.
MARGE
Homer. Try not to say so many correct
things.

4.

INT. WHITE HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

BARACK OBAMA and MICHELLE OBAMA are in bed and watching the
Tele-Trivia show on TV.
MICHELLE OBAMA
Why are we watching this garbage?
You're President of the United States,
and I'm the First Lady. We should be
watching something more dignifying.
BARACK OBAMA
Yeah. Says the woman who, five hours
ago, was binge watching The Real
Housewives of Orange Country.
INT. GAME SHOW SET - DAY
SKIP
(TO ALL THREE CONTESTANTS) This tough
man is best known for playing B.A.
Baracus on the 1980s action series The
A-Team.
Disco Stu holds a Travolta-like disco pose, and it appears
as if he's raising his hand.
SKIP (CONTD)
Disco Stu.
DISCO STU
I wasn't raising my hand. Disco Stu was
just doing his daily disco stretch.
(DOES THE DISCO MOVE WITH HIS LEFT ARM
AND HIS RIGHT ARM) Disco left, disco
right, shake that booty day and night.

5.

Professor Frink raises his hand.

SKIP
Professor Frink.
PROFESSOR FRINK
Well. I'm not familiar with The A-Team.
But you said "1980s" and "tough man,"
which leads me to believe you're
referring to the 1980s celebrity Mr.
Tough, more commonly known as Mr. T.
SKIP
You just won $10, minus a $5 service
charge, and minus a $5 fee because you
provided too much commentary with your
answer. (TO EVERYONE) OK. We're out of
questions. Homer -- I'll give you $6 to
wrestle Disco Stu.
HOMER
Um. OK.
Homer starts wrestling Disco Stu.
MARGE
(TO LISA) Don't forget, Lisa. All of
your father's winnings are going right
into your college fund.
LISA
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Woo-hoo. Community
college, here I come.

6.

SKIP
(LISTENS IN TO EARPIECE) OK. The
network is telling me that we've spent
too much on electricity, and we're now
over budget.
The lights turn off.
INT. MOE'S TAVERN - DAY
BARNEY, CARL, and LENNY are seated at the bar while MOE
bartends.
Homer enters.
MOE
Well, if it isn't Mr. Tele-Trivia.
CARL
(TO HOMER) Let me ask you something,
Homer. On what 1960s TV show did Jerry
Van Dyke play a man whose mother was a
car?
HOMER
I believe that show was called My
Mother the Car.
BARNEY
That was its own show? I thought it was
a 28 part episode of The Twilight Zone.
LENNY
(TO HOMER) Well here's something I bet
you don't know about TV.
(MORE)

7.
LENNY (CONT'D)

The government controls the show Modern

Family, and uses it to send secret
messages that make you want to eat more
cheese.
BARNEY
I knew there was something strange
about that show. I mean, I don't trust
any program where Jimmy Riddle is
eefing, and the Hambone Brothers are
slapping their knees.
MOE
No, Barney. You're thinking of Hee-haw.
(TO LENNY) So Lenny -- you were telling
us something about cheese.
LENNY
Yeah. The Illuminati's behind it all.
They control almost everything.
HOMER
Um. I've never heard you say anything
like that before.
LENNY
Well. Let's just say that I've recently
had my eyes opened.
CARL
And your brain removed.

8.

LENNY
You sound like one of the sheeple right
now.
HOMER
So you're, um, a whatchamacallit?
LENNY
Well. Some people call it a conspiracy
theorist. But for those of us who
aren't sheeple, we don't use the cword.
HOMER
Chimichanga?
LENNY
Conspiracy theorist.
HOMER
I was pretty close. By the way -- my
second guess was gonna be cornucopia.
BARNEY
Wait. Weren't you guys once part of a
secret society?
MOE
No, Barney. You're still thinking of
Hee-haw.
LENNY
Actually, we used to be a member of the
Stonecutters.
(MORE)

9.
LENNY (CONT'D)

But it turns out that they're even more

misinformed than the sheeple.
CARL
Homer. What do you think of all of
this?
HOMER
Oh. Well. Moe. What do you think of all
this?
MOE
I just sell beer. I don't know nothing
about no sheeple or cheese.
LENNY
(TO EVERYONE) You see. Moe is actually
more enlightened than most of society.
CARL
If he's so enlightened, then how come
he's using a toilet plunger to scratch
his back?
Moe is scratching his back with a toilet plunger.
LENNY
(TO EVERYONE) The point is, Moe knows
what he doesn't know. The government
wants us to think we know what we don't
know. I read all about it on the
internet.

10.

CARL
Lenny. Do you know what types of people
post stuff on the internet? People like
Moe and Barney.
MOE
That's true. I've left 1500 YouTube
comments about how I'm not really a sex
offender, even though the state makes
me register as a sex offender.
CARL
(TO LENNY) And Barney Instagrams videos
where he classifies his burps according
to the Dewey Decimal system.
Barney is holding his cell phone and recording himself.
BARNEY
(burps) That was a nonfiction burp, and
it goes under 895.33J, right between
(burps) and (burps).
LENNY
(TO EVERYONE) The internet is also used
for spreading the truth about the
government, and about how Adam Sandler
and Adam Levine are actually vampires.
CARL
Lenny. If you want to learn about the
world, then by all means do.
(MORE)

11.
CARL (CONT'D)

But all this stuff about the government

and cheese and vampires -- it makes no
sense.
LENNY
I see. And how do I know you're not one
of the reptilian aliens who control the
world?
CARL
You know perfectly well that I'm not a
reptile. You've even seen my DNA
analysis.
LENNY
That was your short form DNA analysis.
HOMER
(TO CARL) He's got you there, Carl. If
that is your real name, Johnny.
INT. SIMPSONS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
Marge is in the kitchen. Homer walks in. Marge's back is to
Homer.
HOMER
What's for dinner?
MARGE
I ordered a pizza.
Marge turns around holding a pizza in an open box.
HOMER
(SCARED) Ah! The cheese!

12.

MARGE
I thought you loved cheese.
HOMER
Oh yeah.
He grabs a slice with each hand, and starts scarfing the
slices down.
HOMER (CONTD)
Marge. Next time, order extra cheese.
Mmmmm. Cheese.
Marge puts the pizza on the kitchen table.
MARGE
(CALLS OUT) Kids! Dinner!
HOMER
You know, Lenny said some of the
strangest things today at the bar.
Bart and Lisa walk in, sit down, and start eating.
MARGE
Which one's Lenny again?
HOMER
You know the black guy I hang out with
all the time? Lenny's the other guy.
And he said that the world is
controlled by the Illuminati, and Carl
needs to present his long form DNA
analysis to prove he's not a reptilian
alien.
MARGE
So Lenny's a conspiracy theorist now?

13.

HOMER
Yes. But don't use the c-word around
him.
BART
Crouton?
HELEN LOVEJOY is standing on the other side of their window
and listening in.
HELEN LOVEJOY
Please don't use the c-word in this
neighborhood! I mean, the children!
Will somebody please think of the
children!
BART
I am the children.
She walks away.
HOMER
Don't say "conspiracy theorist" around
Lenny. And don't say "alcoholic" around
Barney. He considers that the a-word.
He prefers the term "booze hound."
LISA
You know, conspiracy theories have
gained a great deal of popularity
during the internet era.
(MORE)

14.
LISA (CONT'D)

I mean, when you're online, and you

find yourself surrounded by thousands
of people promoting the same belief,
you become much more willing to accept
the idea that the moon landing is a
hoax, or that Paul McCartney died in
1966, or that reptilian aliens are
running the world.
HOMER
Oh. That reminds me. Don't use the word
"hoax" around Moe. He doesn't like
words that have two vowels before an x.
Oh -- and don't use the word "chilax"
around Flanders.
MARGE
Well. I for one am really concerned
about Lenny.
HOMER
Marge. Will you just chilax?
MARGE
I am not gonna chilax. I don't want
Lenny to get sucked into some crazy
belief system.
HOMER
You didn't even know which person Lenny
was a minute ago.

15.

MARGE
But I'm very fond of both of those
guys. And since you're Lenny's friend,
it's your duty to set him straight.
HOMER
I thought my duty as a friend was to
back up any lies he tells his wife.
MARGE
He's not married. ... Wait a second.
Does he back up the lies that you tell
me?
HOMER
Marge. Chilax.
MARGE
Stop saying chilax.
INT. POWER PLANT LUNCH ROOM - DAY
Carl, Lenny, and Homer are seated at a table and eating
lunch.
CARL
Manning was really on fire. I can't
believe the Broncos won. That was the
best fourth quarter comeback I've ever
seen in my life.
LENNY
Me, too. The Illuminati couldn't have
scripted it any better.
(MORE)

16.
LENNY (CONT'D)

I mean, by bombarding us with exciting

sporting events, that's how they get us
to eat less cheese.
CARL
Wait a second. I thought you said that
they want us to eat more cheese.
LENNY
They want us to eat more cheese, and
then eat less cheese. When our cheese
consumption is inconsistent, that's
when our minds become easy to control.
And that's why I eat exactly 1.47
ounces of cheese a day, every day. Oh -and on a slightly related note, did I
mention that Adam Sandler is a vampire?
HOMER
Yes. And on a completely unrelated
note, (HANDS OUT A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER)
here's my weekly list of new lies I've
told Marge, that I need you guys to
back up.
Carl reads part of the list.
CARL
You told her we spent all Saturday
shopping for containers at The
Container Store?

17.

A SPY in a ninja suit is standing several yards away from

them.
INT. MR. BURNS'S OFFICE - DAY
The Spy is now standing across from MR. BURNS, and near
SMITHERS.
SPY
I have the daily spy report for you,
sir.
MR. BURNS
Well. Before you start with that, let
me ask you this: does anyone in the
company suspect that you're the man I
use to spy on them?
SPY
No, sir. I mean, they might've raised a
few eyebrows at first, on account of my
ninja suit, and my lack of a Japanese
accent, and my refusal to eat donuts.
But after I started chit chatting with
them about sports and beer, they
totally bought my story that I'm
Johnson from accounting.
MR. BURNS
Excellent. Now, what do you have to
report today?
SPY
Well. Not much. Except Thompson is
planning to overthrow you.
(MORE)

18.
SPY (CONT'D)

Oh -- and Lenny is spreading theories

about how the world is run by a secret
society of reptilian aliens.
MR. BURNS
What?! Smithers -- go on the internet
at once, and find out more about this
secret society. Make sure you check all
of the YouTube comments.
SMITHERS
Sir. If there really is a secret
society that runs the word, then
wouldn't you -- a powerful billionaire - be part of it?
MR. BURNS
Excellent point, Smithers. Get my DNA
analyzed immediately, to find out if
I'm a reptile and/or an alien. I need
to know what types of shenanigans this
Mr. Burns fellow might be up to.
INT. POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY
Carl is walking with Homer.
CARL
We gotta do something about Lenny.

19.

HOMER
I know. I didn't think his fashion
sense could get any worse -- and then
today he showed up wearing purple
suspenders with a green shirt. I mean,
suspenders are so 1937. And who wears
purple and green outside of
Saskatchewan?
CARL
Homer -- I was talking about the fact
that Lenny's into all this Illuminati
and cheese stuff.
Lenny walks up to them.
LENNY
Were you guys just talking about me?
HOMER
Of course not. We were talking about...
some other... guy.
LENNY
Who?
HOMER
Um. Lenny. I mean, Carl. I mean, Lenny.
Smith. Sonian. Lenny Smithsonian. The
Third. He wears green trunks with
purple trim, and his record is 27 wins
and 7 losses, with 19 wins by way of
knockout.

20.

LENNY
What a bunch of bullcrap! He has 22
knockouts!
HOMER
Oh. Right. I mixed him up with Muhammad
Ali. Smithsonian. The Fourth.
MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN IV walks up to them.
MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN IV
Hey. I'm Muhammad Ali Smithsonian the
Fourth. Are you guys talking about me?
INT. ADAM SANDLER'S HOUSE - DAY
Homer and Carl are seated next to ADAM SANDLER.
ADAM SANDLER
Wait. You want to record me swimming in
a pool of garlic?
HOMER
That's correct, Adam Sandler.
ADAM SANDLER
I'm confused. Are you guys movie
producers, perverts, or both?
CARL
Neither.
ADAM SANDLER
I don't get it.
HOMER
We just want to prove to our friend
that you're not a vampire.
(MORE)

21.
HOMER (CONT'D)

That way, he'll start doubting some of

this other weird ideas.
ADAM SANDLER
Hey! I don't need to swim in garlic.
All I need to do is not bite your neck.
HOMER
Um. What?
ADAM SANDLER
Just record me sitting next to you. And
if I don't bite into your neck, that'll
show how I'm not a vampire.
HOMER
But what are we supposed to do with the
truckload of garlic we brought over
here?
ADAM SANDLER
How the hell should I know?! Open a
freaking Olive Garden or something!
Alright. (TAKES OUT HIS IPHONE AND
BEGINS RECORDING HIMSELF AND HOMER)
"Adam Sandler's Not a Vampire," take
one. And, action!
Adam Sandler looks at Homer's neck for a few seconds, and
then he moves in and bites it.
HOMER
Ow!

22.

ADAM SANDLER
Sorry. I just couldn't help it. I'm not
a vampire -- but you gotta admit that
you have a nice, succulent neck. I
mean, look at that neck. Look at it.
HOMER
I can't look at my own neck.
ADAM SANDLER
(TO CAMERA) "Adam Sandler's Not a
Vampire," take two. And, action!
Adam Sandler looks at Homer's neck for a few seconds, and
then he moves in and bites it.
HOMER
Ow!
ADAM SANDLER
Man! I just can't help but bite that
neck! I mean, come on! I'm not a
vampire or anything, but that's the
most bite-able neck I've ever seen in
my life. (SINGS) I am not an umpire /
From the city of Quebec / I am not a
vampire / But I want to bite your neck
(Cut to later)
ADAM SANDLER (CONTD)
(TO CAMERA) "Adam Sandler's Not a
Vampire," take 43. And, action.
Homer's phone rings.

23.

HOMER
(INTO PHONE) Yello.
MARGE (ON PHONE)
Homie. Can you pick up some milk on
your way home tonight?
HOMER
Um. OK. But I might get home late. I'm
kind of busy with something right now.
By the way, I'm gonna need to schedule
an appointment with Dr. Hibbert, to get
a hundred tetanus shots.
MARGE
OK. Bye, honey.
HOMER
Bye.
Homer puts away his phone.
ADAM SANDLER
"Adam Sandler's Not a Vampire," take
44. And, action.
Adam Sandler looks at Homer's neck for a few seconds, and
then he moves in and bites it.
HOMER
Ow!
ADAM SANDLER
Well. Come on now! I mean, your neck is
just right there, and it's asking to be
bitten. How am I supposed to not bite
it?
(MORE)

24.
ADAM SANDLER (CONT'D)

(SINGS) Brush and floss three times a

day / Got no gingivitis / When I look
and see your neck / I would like to
bite it
HOMER
Can you just swim in the garlic?
ADAM SANDLER
Let me tell you something about Adam
Sandler. There are two things he
refuses to do. One, swim in garlic. And
two, star in stupid movies. Now if
you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for
my role in my next movie. It's called
Hey! Why Are My Sneakers Wet?
HOMER
Ha, ha, ha, ha! That sounds really
good.
ADAM SANDLER
(TO CAMERA) Wait a second. Why do I
feel so watery? (LOOKS DOWN AT HIS
SHOES) It's my sneakers. They're wet.
Why are my sneakers wet?
HOMER
Ha ha ha ha!
EXT. ADAM SANDLER'S HOME - DAY
Homer and Carl are walking away from Adam Sandler's home.

25.

CARL
Great. Now how are we supposed to prove
to Lenny that Adam Sandler isn't a
vampire?
HOMER
Carl. I've got 43 bite marks in my neck
that say he is a vampire, and the
government does want to regulate my
cheese consumption.
CARL
Don't tell me that you're also becoming
a conspiracy theorist.
HOMER
I'm telling you that maybe -- just
maybe -- we're all being controlled
like puppets.
Homer takes a water bottle out of his pocket, and pours the
water in his head.
CARL
Uh. Why did you just pour water on your
head?
HOMER
I'm not the one who poured water on my
head. It was the person pulling my
strings. We're all puppets who are told
what to eat, what to watch, how to
think, how to live, and where to pour
water.
(MORE)

26.
HOMER (CONT'D)

(TAKES OUT ANOTHER WATER BOTTLE, AND

POURS IT ON CARL's HEAD) And I want to
find out who's doing the puppeteer-ing,
and how they're puppeteer-ing us.
A MAN IN A SUIT is standing near them, and holding 20 DVD
boxes.
MAN IN SUIT
Well. Instead of doing that, wouldn't
you rather watch these 20 Adam Sandler
movies?
HOMER
... Yes.
Homer takes the DVDs and walks away.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Marge and Lisa are in the kitchen. Homer walks in holding a
carton of milk and the 20 DVDs. He puts them down.
MARGE
Homer. What happened to your neck?
HOMER
I, uh, cut myself 43 times shaving.
Using that Mach 43 razor.
Lisa looks down at his shoes.
LISA
Why are your sneakers wet?
HOMER
I don't know. (IMITATES ADAM SANDLER)
Why are my sneakers wet?
Bart walks in.

27.

BART
I did some research on all that
conspiracy theory stuff -- and it turns
out that reptilian aliens don't run the
world. They run elementary schools.
Principal Skinner is from Neptune, and
his real name is Tarazan Minera.
LISA
Where did you do your research?
BART
In my brain.
MARGE
(TO HOMER) So how are things with
Lenny? Have you changed his mind yet?
HOMER
Well. Me and Carl were working on it
earlier. But then I decided that Lenny
is 100% right about everything. ... So,
what's for dinner?
MARGE
Um. Macaroni and cheese. It'll be ready
in five minutes.
HOMER
Great. In the meantime, I'm gonna
search our home for surveillance
equipment hidden in the walls. Where's
my sledgehammer?

28.

MARGE
Now, Homie. Wouldn't you rather watch
an Adam Sandler movie?
HOMER
... Yes.
INT. MR. BURNS'S OFFICE - DAY
Smithers is holding a stack of papers, and talking to Mr.
Burns.
SMITHERS
Sir. I got the results of the DNA
analysis. It says here that you're 50%
human, and 50% Dindery Doodle.
MR. BURNS
Wait a second! How do I know that
you're not a reptilian alien who's
trying to convince me that I'm not a
reptilian alien?
SMITHERS
Well, sir. I figured you'd ask that -so I went ahead and tested myself as
well. (HANDS MR. BURNS A SEPARATE STACK
OF PAPERS) Here are the results.
MR. BURNS
(LOOKS OVER THE PAPERS) Well. I didn't
know that you were one sixteenth Native
American. Um -- remind me again which
Native American tribes I have a feud
with?

29.

SMITHERS
The Arapaho and the Cherokee.
MR. BURNS
Right. And do you belong to either of
those tribes?
SMITHERS
No, sir. I'm an Apache.
MR. BURNS
Excellent. Be sure to mention that to
the affirmative action people. And add
something about how you're a quarter
Indonesian, a quarter Bangladeshi, and
a quarter Iranian.
SMITHERS
Uh. Yes sir. Or as we Indonesians say
it, "Pong tooksah."
EXT. POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY
Carl is leading Homer and Lenny somewhere.
HOMER
Um. It's lunch time, Carl. Why are we
not eating lunch right now?
CARL
I got you guys a gift. I want to give
it to you.
HOMER
Wait. I didn't know guys were allowed
to give other guys gifts.
(MORE)

30.
HOMER (CONT'D)

'Cause, I mean, one time, I saw this

stuffed giraffe at a flea market, and I
thought, "This would make a great gift
for Barney." But then I thought, "Guys
aren't supposed to give..."
CARL
Yeah. Just shut up for a second, Homer.
He leads them to BILL CLINTON and GEORGE W. BUSH.
HOMER
Wow! Former President George W. Bush!
And some other guy!
BILL CLINTON
I'm former President Bill Clinton.
HOMER
My memory is only willing to remember
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, the
current President, and the President
before him. I delete every other
President. Like, uh, what's-his-name,
and that other guy.
BILL CLINTON
I see. Interesting. It's like how my
memory is only willing to remember the
names of the last two women I've slept
with.

31.

GEORGE W. BUSH
(TO HOMER) Well. I think that if you
want to be a good American, you gotta
remember more than four US Presidents.
BILL CLINTON
That's true. I know all 43 US
Presidents. Including Rutherford B.
Hayes.
GEORGE W. BUSH
And I'm a really good American, so I
know the names of hundreds of US
Presidents. Like James K. Polk, and
John Quincy Smithsonian the Third, and
Hunter Henry Harrison a.k.a. Triple H,
and, um, that one from Texas. What's
his name?
BILL CLINTON
Lyndon B. Johnson?
GEORGE W. BUSH
No. The other one from Texas.
BILL CLINTON
You mean your father, George H.W. Bush?
GEORGE W. BUSH
No. The other one from Texas.
BILL CLINTON
You mean you -- George W. Bush?

32.

GEORGE W. BUSH
Right. Yeah. George W. Bush. And
Rutherford B. Hayes. And Benjamin
Franklin.
BILL CLINTON
Benjamin Franklin wasn't President.
GEORGE W. BUSH
But he's on all my hundred dollar
bills. (TAKES THREE $!00 BILLS OUT OF
HIS WALLET) Are you saying that these
bills are counterfeit?
BILL CLINTON
(IMITATING MOE FROM THE THREE STOOGES)
Ah -- shut up!
He slaps George W. Bush.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Ooh!
George W. Bush pokes Bill Clinton in the eyes.
BILL CLINTON
Hey. (POINTS SOMEWHERE) What's that?
George W. Bush turns around. Bill Clinton kicks him in the
butt.
George W. Bush turns around.
GEORGE W. BUSH
One or two?
BILL CLINTON
One.

33.

GEORGE W. BUSH
No. Three.
George W. Bush slaps Bill Clinton three times.
HOMER
Wait a second. You two are like
ordinary guys.
GEORGE W. BUSH
That's true. Except Bill is hornier
than an ordinary guy. And I eat more
chicken pot pies than an ordinary guy.
George W. Bush has a chicken pot pie in his hands. He takes
a bite out of it.
CARL
(TO HOMER AND LENNY) See? If President
Bush and President Clinton are like
ordinary guys, then how could they be
key players in a secret system with an
Illuminati, and reptilian aliens, and
cheese mind control?
GEORGE W. BUSH
(TO EVERYONE) Yeah. I mean, do you
think a jackass like Bill could really
do something like that? He's so dumb,
he only knows the names of 43
Presidents. He probably doesn't even
know about Martin Van Dam, or Herbert
Dam Hoover.

34.

LENNY
(TO CARL) Hold the phone here, Carl. Is
this all just part of your plan to
convince me that there is no
Illuminati?
CARL
Well. Yeah.
LENNY
Oh. Well. The thing is, I already
stopped believing in conspiracy
theories two hours ago, when I found
out that Woody Harrelson is a
conspiracy theorist.
CARL
I thought you liked Woody Harrelson.
LENNY
I like him as an actor. Not as a
theorist. He's one of my favorite
actors in the world, and one of my
least favorite theorists in the world.
CARL
And that's why you're no longer a
conspiracy theorist?

35.

LENNY
Yeah. And also, I had dinner last night
with Adam Sandler at the Olive Garden,
and he had three plates of trenette col
pesto.
CARL
So?
LENNY
That dish is 97% garlic.
Adam Sandler is standing a few feet away from them, and
eating a piece of garlic bread.
ADAM SANDLER
And now I'm eating garlic bread. (LOOKS
AT HOMER'S NECK) Man. That is one biteable neck. (LOOKS AT HIS SNEAKERS)
Hey! Why are my sneakers wet?
HOMER
Ha ha ha ha!
EXT. STREET - DAY
Close up on someone's sneakers stepping in a puddle and
getting wet
The camera changes to reveal that Lisa is the one wearing
the sneakers.
She notices ADAM LEVINE several yards away, sucking a MAN's
blood.
LISA
Adam Levine?
ADAM LEVINE
Uh. Yeah.

36.

LISA
Are you sucking someone's blood?
ADAM LEVINE
Um. No. ... Well. Maybe. But I'm not a
vampire. This guy just has a very
succulent neck.
Several yards away, PRINCIPAL SKINNER is walking on the
sidewalk. His cell phone rings. He looks at the caller ID,
and it says "Unlisted Caller - Unlisted Area." He answers
the phone.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Hello? ... Oh. Hi, Jermagolin. ... Yes.
I'm still running an Elementary School.
... No. Nobody suspects anything.
A small jet is flying above Principal Skinner.
INT. JET - DAY
Bill Clinton is seated in a luxurious private jet, and
watching an Adam Sandler movie on a computer.
ADAM SANDLER (ON SCREEN)
Why is my hat wet?
BILL CLINTON
Ha ha ha ha.
HILARY CLINTON walks towards him.
HILARY CLINTON
Honey. I filled out that form to run
for President -- but the government
wants to know why I left a blank at the
part where I'm supposed to include my
spouse's Social Security number.

37.

BILL CLINTON
Cindy. You're forgetting one thing.
HILARY CLINTON
My name is Hilary!
BILL CLINTON
Hilary. You're forgetting one thing.
I'm not from here -- so I wasn't issued
a Social Security number.
HILARY CLINTON
I know that, Bill. But I can't leave
that part blank. What did you put down
when you ran for President?
BILL CLINTON
I didn't put down anything. I just
slept with some woman who worked for
the government.
HILARY CLINTON
What woman?
BILL CLINTON
I don't remember. You know. 'Cause
she's not one of the last two women
I've slept with. I only remember the
names of the last two women I've slept
with. You should know that by now,
Beatrice Vanderbilt.
HILARY CLINTON
My name is Hilary Clinton!