PRESIDENT JOE (Animated TV Series)

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

"Mayoral"

INT. BAR - DAY

PRESIDENT JOE (45) is seated at a bar with his Chief of Staff VANESSA (40, Native
American), Vice President OWEN (45), and Secretary of State SANDRA (40). The
bartender CORNELIUS (40) is serving drinks.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. I gathered you guys here to form an exploratory committee.

OWEN
Hold the phone, Mr. President. Is this the setup to one of your jokes where you
talk about the exploration of Uranus?

PRESIDENT JOE
No. I don't even use that joke _that_ often.

SANDRA
You used it twice during the State of the Union Address.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. It's a long speech. _You_ try filling up 45 minutes without mentioning
exploring Uranus twice. Anyways--you guys are now part of my exploratory committee
not related to Uranus. I'm thinking of running for Mayor of Washington. I want you
guys to explore that.

VANESSA
Well. I'd advise you not to run.

PRESIDENT JOE
Why?

VANESSA
Because you're already the President. You can't be Mayor while you're President.

PRESIDENT JOE
Sure you can. Remember when Bill Clinton was President, and then he also became
Mayor?

OWEN
Dude. That's a little different. I mean, Clinton became the Mayor of _Hornytown_.
That's more of a figurative position.

The bartender Cornelius is still working behind the counter.

CORNELIUS
(singing to the tune of "Funkytown")
Won't you take me to / Hornytown / Won't you take me to / Hornytown

JERRY (70, friendly, good attitude) enters.

JERRY
Hey, guys. What's on tap?

SANDRA
Well. Your son wants to run for mayor. And now we're part of an exploratory
committee that's evaluating whether he should seek the position.

JERRY
(laughing)
Exploratory. That reminds of a hilarious joke about Uranus.

INT. DEBATE ROOM - DAY

President Joe is on stage with BILL JACOBSON (45, white, overweight).

MODERATOR
Welcome to the Washington DC Mayoral Debate.

PRESIDENT JOE
Mayoral? I don't think that's a real word. I'm gonna challenge it.

MODERATOR
You can't challenge a word.

PRESIDENT JOE
Why not?

MODERATOR
Because, Mr. President. This isn't a game of Scrabble. It's a Mayoral Debate.

PRESIDENT JOE
I can challenge words during political debates, or in any conversation. I've done
it plenty of times. I've challenged words like isosceles, gooseberry, rapeseed,
asinine, niggardly, onomatopoeia, crapulence, and Idaho.

Jerry, Owen, Vanessa, and Sandra are seated in the audience.

VANESSA
(to Owen, Sandra, and Jerry)
Oh, great. He's challenging words again.

MODERATOR
(to everyone)
Anyways--let's get started.
(to Bill Jacobson)
Mayor--you go first.

BILL JACOBSEN
Ladies and gentleman. My name is Bill Jacobson, and I'm running for reelection as
Mayor of Washington. Here's the main point I want to make. My opponent is so
ignorant, that he once referred to Europe as a country.

MODERATOR
Mr. President. Your rebuttal.

PRESIDENT JOE
My opponent is, um, let's see. He's overweight.
BILL JACOBSON
Well. I'm lean when it comes to government spending.

PRESIDENT JOE
Buy you're fat when it comes to your ass.

INT. BAR - DAY

President Joe is seated with his staff (Vanessa, Owen, and Sandra). Cornelius is
working the bar.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. Let's come up with some ways for me to gain an edge when it comes to this
mayoral race.

OWEN
I thought you said "mayoral" wasn't a real word.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well, I did some research--and it turns out that I was being a little too niggardly
with my word allowances.

SANDRA
Niggardly?

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. I looked that up, too--and apparently, it's also a real word. Shakespeare
used it. I have a quote right here.
(takes out his iPhone, presses a few buttons, and reads from the screen)
"I have long loved her, followed her with a doting observance; fee'd every slight
occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her." Man.
Shakespeare is really boring. Can I veto Shakespeare?

VANESSA
No, Mr. President. Also, you shouldn't use the word niggardly. Since it sounds so
much like the n-word.

PRESIDENT JOE
... That gives me an idea. If we want to win the election, we should get Mayor
Jacobson to say the n-word.

VANESSA
I don't care about the mayoral election. I'm your Presidential Chief of Staff.

PRESIDENT JOE
Vanessa. I don't think you understand the crapulence of this situation. By the
way--crapulence is also a word.
(reads off of his phone)
"The gentleman's parsimony is only exceeded by his crapulence."

OWEN
Is that Shakespeare, too?

PRESIDENT JOE
That was a quote from yesterday's episode of Judge Judy.

[Cut to later]
OWEN
(to President Joe)
Okay. I set up your phone so it'll record your call.

PRESIDENT JOE
Great. I'm gonna prank call Jacobsen and get him to say the n-word. And then I'm
gonna prank call Bed Bath & Beyond and tell them they don't send me enough coupons.

VANESSA
Guys. Playtime is over--Okay? Can we focus on running the country?

PRESIDENT JOE
Vanessa. This is very serious mayoral business. Owen--get Mayor Jacobsen on the
phone. And Sandra--make yourself useful.

SANDRA
Doing what?

PRESIDENT JOE
I don't know. You're my Secretary of State. Do something American.

SANDRA
Fine. I'll paint my nails red, white, and blue.

She starts applying nail polish.

Owen dials a number, the phone rings, and Bill Jacobsen answers.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

Hello?

PRESIDENT JOE
(in woman's voice, with Russian accent)
Hi, Bill. It's Oksana.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

Who?

PRESIDENT JOE
(in woman's voice, with Russian accent)
Oksana. Your girlfriend.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

I don't have a girlfriend named Oksana. I have a wife named Britney.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh.

President Joe hangs up.

VANESSA
Maybe you should've done some research before making this call.

PRESIDENT JOE
Listen, Vanessa. I'm a master at improvising.

He redials the number.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

Hello?

PRESIDENT JOE
(in woman's voice, with Southern accent)
Bill. It's your wife, Britney. I just called to tell you that I love black men.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

You love black men? Honey--since when do you love black men? And since when do you
have a Southern accent?

PRESIDENT JOE
(in woman's voice, with no accent)
The point is, I love black men a lot--and right now, you probably want to launch
into an expletive laced tirade where you use the n-word over and over again.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

Um. No. Not really.

PRESIDENT JOE
(in woman's voice, with no accent)
Well. Just say something racist about black people. Anything.

BILL JACOBSON (V.O.)

I'd rather not. I'm very fond of African-Americans.

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. I gotta go.

He hangs up.

CORNELIUS
Would you like another beer, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Just one more. I mean, I gotta head over to the White House, so I can consult
with Nathaniel.

VANESSA
Stop consulting with that lunatic.

PRESIDENT JOE
I have to consult with him. He's my Secretary of Education. And he's my wise
neighbor. I need him to educate me.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE BACKYARD - DAY

President Joe walks into the backyard. NATHANIEL (55, zany, contemplative) is on
the other side of the fence.

NATHANIEL
Well. Hey there, neighbor.

PRESIDENT JOE
Hey, Nathaniel. Let me ask you something. Are you following the mayoral election?

NATHANIEL
Yes. I just watched ten minutes of CNN--and boy are my arms tired.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. What do you think I need to do to win the election?

NATHANIEL
Well, Mr. President. Due to various psychological principles, most voters are prone
to basing their vote on symbols and on simple associations. So, a political
candidate should highlight a symbol or a simple association, in order to make his
political opponent lose credibility.

PRESIDENT JOE
Can you explain that to me in English?

NATHANIEL
Certainly. But first let me point out that most Mexican dishes are made of meat,
cheese, rice, beans, and tortillas.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is seated at his desk and recording himself with his iPhone. ALBERT
JOHNSON (40) is seated across from President Joe.

PRESIDENT JOE
Hi. I'm Joe Smith, and I'm here with
(points the camera/iPhone at Albert)
Albert Johnson--the Washington DC carpenter who built
(stands up and points the camera at his own chair)
the chair I'm sitting on right now. He lives in DC, and he built this amazing
chair.
(sits down and points the camera back at Albert Johnson)
Albert--are you employed or unemployed?

ALBERT JOHNSON
Unemployed.

PRESIDENT JOE
And how long have you been unemployed?

ALBERT JOHNSON
Two years.

PRESIDENT JOE
Let me ask you this. Who's been the Mayor of Washington DC for the past two years?

ALBERT JOHNSON
Bill Jacobson.

PRESIDENT JOE
In other words, Bill Jacobsen has been the Mayor of Washington for two years, and
you've been unemployed in Washington for two years.

ALBERT JOHNSON
Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay. Let me ask you this. You've been unemployed for two years in Washington, and
Bill Jacobsen has been Mayor of Washington for how long?
ALBERT JOHNSON
Two years.

PRESIDENT JOE
In other words, Unemployment. Mayor Jacobsen. Two years. Mayor Jacobsen. Two years.
Unemployment. Mayor Jacobsen.

ALBERT JOHNSON
Well. Yeah. I guess.

PRESIDENT JOE
And let me also ask you this. For two years, who's been smoking PCP every day in
Washington? I mean, if you had to guess based on the facts we've reviewed so far,
which Mayor would you say has been smoking PCP every day for the past two years in
Washington in the Mayor's office?

ALBERT JOHNSON
... Bill Jacobsen?

PRESIDENT JOE
And how much PCP are we talking about?

ALBERT JOHNSON
What the hell _are_ we talking about?

PRESIDENT JOE
Mayor Jacobsen. Unemployment. Unemployment. Two years. Mayor Jacobsen. PCP. Mayor
Jacobsen. Two years. PCP. Unemployment. Mayor Jacobsen.
(to camera)
Albert Johnson's testimony tells me everything I need to know about our PCP-
addicted Mayor Bill Jacobsen. The gentleman's parsimony is only exceeded by his
crapulence.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe and his Staff

OWEN
(looking at his iPhone screen)
Well. It looks like your video did the trick. You're projected to take 57% of the
vote, and become the new Mayor of DC. And it also says here that Bill Clinton is
expected to take 99% of the vote, and get reelected as the Mayor of Hornytown.

PRESIDENT JOE
Hm. I should call him up and congratulate him.
(looks at his watch)
Not right now, though. Everyone knows that Clinton plays with his girlfriend from 1
to 1:30, and then he plays with himself from 1:30 to 2.

VANESSA
How is that common knowledge? And why the hell does Clinton do both of those things
back-to-back?

PRESIDENT JOE
Here's a better question. Why does Dennis Kucinich like to spend three hours a day
playing My Little Pony?
(to everyone)
Anyways. I guess now we have to plant bugs in Bill Jacobson's office, and in his
campaign headquarters, and on his wife.

VANESSA
Uh. Why?

PRESIDENT JOE
Because I want to make sure I win the election. The way Nixon did.

VANESSA
Today is election day. Why would you plant bugs now?

PRESIDENT JOE
Because I really want to win.

VANESSA
It doesn't make sense, though. I mean...

PRESIDENT JOE
This is how politics works, Vanessa! Okay? Get with the program. If you want to
win, you plant bugs.

VANESSA
Not when you're up seven points on Election Day!

EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

President Joe, Vanessa, Owen, and Sandra are wearing sombreros and fake mustaches.
A MAN looks at President Joe.

MAN
You look like the President. Are you the President?

PRESIDENT JOE
No, asshole. I'm a man with a mustache and sombrero. I don't hablo your language!
Now get lost-o!

The Man walks away.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Owen)
Okay. There's Jacobson's wife Britney. I'll flirt with her to keep her distracted,
and then you plant the bug on her.

VANESSA
Can we just go back to the White House?

PRESIDENT JOE
No. This is how you win elections.

President Joe and Owen walk in.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

BRITNEY (40) is seated alone at a table. President Joe walks up to her.

PRESIDENT JOE
How you doing?
BRITNEY
Fine.

PRESIDENT JOE
That's a nice scarf. It reminds me of when I lived in Mexico. A lot of the
senoritas wore scarves like that.

EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

President Joe is talking to his staff.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. Did you plant the bug?

OWEN
Yes.

SANDRA
Can we go now?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I, uh, I made a date with Britney.

VANESSA
Why?

PRESIDENT JOE
I like her.

VANESSA
She's married to the Mayor. And she thinks you're someone else.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. If the date goes well, it's not like I'm gonna take her back to my place or
her place.

OWEN
Where are you gonna take her?

PRESIDENT JOE
To _your_ place.

OWEN
... Fine. But I get to stay at the White House.

PRESIDENT JOE
Deal. Give me your keys.

OWEN
You give me your keys first.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

President Joe is still in disguise, and leading Britney to an apartment. Mariachi

music is playing in the background.
PRESIDENT JOE
This date is going well. Right?

BRITNEY
Yeah. But why has a mariachi band been following us the entire time?

A MARIACHI BAND is behind them.

PRESIDENT JOE
Because. I'm Mexican.

BRITNEY
Um. Okay.

PRESIDENT JOE
Anyways, this is, uh... my apartment. Not my Vice President's apartment. I don't
have a Vice President. I'm just a humble Mexican American man who makes sombreros
for a living.

He opens the door.

PRESIDENT JOE
So, uh--come in. And be sure to ignore all the photographs of the Vice President of
America.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe and Owen

OWEN
So how'd your date go last night?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. We knocked boots. But I kept my sombrero on, so she wouldn't discover my real
identity.

The blue phone rings.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. That's the blue phone.

He picks up the phone.

Nathaniel is on the other line.

NATHANIEL
Did you know that Puerto Ricans pronounce the word pescado "pecao?" Pecao.

Nathaniel hangs up the phone, as does President Joe.

Vanessa enters.

VANESSA
Good morning, Mr. President. Are you ready for your meeting with the China's
President?

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. I don't know. Remind me again--which one is China? The fortune cookie country,
or the sushi country?

VANESSA
You shouldn't identify countries like that. It's offensive.

PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. ... But just for informational purposes, which country is China?

VANESSA
Owen. You tell him.

OWEN
(to President Joe)
Well, Mr. President. China is the fortune cookie country.

PRESIDENT JOE
What do they have against sushi?

OWEN
Nothing in particular. It's just, sushi is from another Asian country, which is
called Japan.

PRESIDENT JOE
So then, what's the difference between _North_ Dakota and _South_ Dakota?

OWEN
I don't know.

PRESIDENT JOE
Make something up.

OWEN
North Dakota is in India, and South Dakota is in Bangladesh.

Sandra enters.

SANDRA
Good morning, everyone. Mr. President--I prepared some statements for you to make
during your meeting with President Jinping.

She hands him a piece of paper. He looks at it for a few seconds.

PRESIDENT JOE
What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I don't speak Chinese.

SANDRA
It's written in English.

PRESIDENT JOE
(turns it 90 degrees, then 90 degrees again, and then 90 degrees again, and then 90
degrees one more time)
Oh. Okay. Yeah. Some of these words do seem like English.

President Joe's secretary CLAIRE (30) enters.

CLAIRE
Mr. President. The mayor's office wants to know what you think of the municipal
bill.
PRESIDENT JOE
Why do they want to know that?

CLAIRE
Because you're the new mayor. You won the election. And Jacobsen vacated his
position early, and told you to kiss his ass.

PRESIDENT JOE
Right. Um. Tell the mayor's office I'll get back to them on that municipal thingie,
and tell Jacobsen to suck a lemon.

CLAIRE
Oky dokey.

She leaves.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Vanessa)
Let me ask you a question, Vanessa. What exactly does a mayor do?

VANESSA
I don't know. I'm your Presidential Chief of Staff.

PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. What exactly does a _President_ do?

VANESSA
Well. Today, you have an 10 o'clock meeting with China's President.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. We better cut that meeting short. I have plans to see Britney at 10:30.

VANESSA
Great. So now you're having an ongoing affair?

PRESIDENT JOE
You know, it sounds very sleezy when you describe it like that.

VANESSA
Well then how should I describe it?

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Let's just say I'm courting a very nice girl, and I intend to do her a hundred
times over the next couple of months, and then I'll probably start avoiding her.

OWEN
Yeah. That makes it sound much classier.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN enters.

STEVE AUSTIN
(to President Joe)
How come you haven't shown up for work at the Mayor's office yet, Mr. Mayor? I've
been up to my freaking ears in legislations all morning.

OWEN
(to President Joe)
Um. Mr. President. What is Stone Cold Steve Austin doing in here?
PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. A couple of days ago, I made him my running mate. He's now my Vice Mayor.

OWEN
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Jerry enters holding two gift baskets.

JERRY
(to Steve Austin and President Joe)
I heard you won the election. Congratulations. I brought you these lovely gift
baskets.
(hands one to President Joe, and one to Steve Austin)
Everything in there is vegan.
(to President Joe)
By the way--CNN just said that your presidential approval rating has increased to
58.4%, while your mayoral approval rating dropped to 0.7%.

STEVE AUSTIN
Also, CNN is saying that there's a Mexican man walking around DC wearing a
sombrero--and he has an approval rating of 99.9%.
(takes a bite out of a muffin from the gift basket)
Mm. This muffin is freaking delicious.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

[Later]

President Joe is having a meeting with CHINA'S PRESIDENT (male, 60).

PRESIDENT JOE
Yes, yes, Mr. Chinese President. That sounds good.

CHINESE PRESIDENT
I did not say anything.

President Joe checks his watch.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well--this was a good meeting. Also, I'm a huge fan of your country. Fortune
cookies. I love them. They're better than sushi.
(stands up and bows)
Say hi to your wife for me.

CHINESE PRESIDENT
(stands up)
I am not married.

PRESIDENT JOE
Great. Me neither. Marriages are stupid.

EXT. MOTEL 6 - DAY

Britney and President Joe (in his Mexican disguise) are about to enter a Motel 6.

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Just so you know, Britney--we're not having a sleazy affair. I'm courting you.
BRITNEY
You're courting me by taking me to a Motel 6?

PRESIDENT JOE
That's correct.

Bill Jacobson is with a WOMAN. He sees President Joe and Britney.

BILL JACOBSON
Britney! What the hell is going on here? Who's this guy?

BRITNEY
I don't know. Who's that woman you're with?

BILL JACOBSEN
I asked you first.

BRITNEY
If you must know, this guy is my boyfriend.

BILL JACOBSON
(to President Joe)
Listen up, buddy. I'm gonna kick your ass.

PRESIDENT JOE
Wait a second. You don't have to kick my ass.

He takes off his mustache and sombrero.

PRESIDENT JOE
I'm not Mexican.

BILL JACOBSON
I don't want to kick your ass for being Mexican. I want to kick your ass for
sleeping with my wife, Mr. President slash Mayor.

A MAN on the street spots President Joe.

MAN
(yelling)
Hey! It's the Mayor. He has an approval rating of 0.7%. Let's kick his ass!

MAN 2
Yeah. Let's kick his ass.

A bunch of PEOPLE start chasing President Joe while the Benny Hill plays in the
background.

Steve Austin appears, and stops everyone in a 7-11 parking lot.

STEVE AUSTIN
Hold the phone here. What the hell is going on?

MAN 2
We're gonna kick the Mayor ass.

STEVE AUSTIN
You're not gonna kick the Mayor's ass. _I'm_ gonna kick the Mayor's ass!
Steve Austin gives President Joe a Stone Cold stunner.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR
And in political news, Vice Mayor Stone Cold Steve Austin's approval rating went up
to 87.3%, after he kicked the Washington DC Mayor Joe Smith's ass near a Motel 6.
And elsewhere, Hornytown Mayor Bill Clinton oil wrestled four women.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is seated with Owen and Sandra.

SANDRA
I don't get it. What exactly does Dennis Kucinich do with his My Little Pony dolls?

PRESIDENT JOE
It's very complicated. I'm gonna have to draw you a Venn Diagram to explain it.

Vanessa enters.

VANESSA
Um. Mr. President. Stone Cold Steve Austin is on TV right now, challenging you to a
steel cage match.

PRESIDENT JOE
You know what? I was thinking. Maybe you were right about how it doesn't make sense
for me to be Mayor while I'm President. It's kind of an asinine thing to do. By the
way--asinine is a real word. I heard it the other day Maury Povich.

OWEN
So, uh--what are you gonna do?

PRESIDENT JOE
I'm gonna announce my resignation as Mayor.
(to Sandra)
So like I was saying.
(get a piece of paper and pencil, and starts drawing and writing)
This part of the Venn diagram represents Dennis Kucinich's obsession with peanut
butter.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAY

President Joe is standing at a podium and addressing a camera. Various MEDIA

MEMBERS are present. A helicopter is behind President Joe.

PRESIDENT JOE
My fellow Washingtonians. My two days as mayor of Washington have been a momentous
time in the history of our city and the world. These two days have been a time of
achievement in which we can all be proud--achievements that represent the shared
efforts of the administration and the people. Together with the Soviet Union, we
have made crucial breakthroughs in, um... Tetris, and some other stuff. But in the
past, like, five minutes, it has become evident to me that being mayor of
Washington DC is ridiculous. Also, my Vice Mayor Stone Cold Steve Austin is a
completely insane, and I want him to stay the hell away from me. Therefore, I shall
resign the mayoracy effective at noon tomorrow. Vice Mayor Stone Cold Steve Austin
will be sworn in as mayor at that hour. Any questions?

REPORTER
Is mayoracy a real word?

PRESIDENT JOE
I don't know.

He imitates Nixon as he walks up to the helicopter and then turns around and waves
at everyone. He then walks back to the podium.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Also, one more thing. I hereby announce my candidacy for Emperor of the
Universe.

THE END

____

"Oil Prices"

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT JOE (45) is seated across from his Vice President OWEN (40), his Chief of
Staff VANESSA (40, Native American) and his Secretary of State SANDRA (40).

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Owen)
...Wait a second. Are you telling me that you went out on a date with Madison?

OWEN
Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE
That's pretty crazy. She's your ex-girlfriend's cousin. I mean, I've never dated an
ex-girlfriend's cousin before.

SANDRA
Uh. Mr. President. You've dated an ex-girlfriend's _twin sister_.

VANESSA
Uh. Guys. Sorry interrupt your very important discussion. But can we talk about
some governmental matters?

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Owen)
Who invited the nerd to this meeting?

VANESSA
I'm your Secretary of State, you lunatic. It's my job to make sure we discuss
government, instead of discussing how you've dated twins, and the Vice President is
seeing with some skank named Madison.

PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. Let's discuss government. What's going on?

VANESSA
Well, Mr. President. Gas prices are up another ten cents.

PRESIDENT JOE
So?

VANESSA
So what are we gonna do about gas prices?

PRESIDENT JOE
Just, you know. Screw it.

SANDRA
Um. Mr. President. I don't think we can screw gas prices.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Someone explain the whole gas thing to me again.

OWEN
Okay, Mr. President. Stuff is powered by gas. And gas comes from oil. Oil prices
change. And sometimes they change because of an organization called OPEC. OPEC
controls a lot of oil. They try to make the price of oil go up. We want the price
of oil to go down.

PRESIDENT JOE
I have an idea. Let's have a scientist put a needle into a mosquito. Then he can
use the DNA to make dinosaur.

VANESSA
That's not really relevant to OPEC and gas prices.

PRESIDENT JOE
What is it relevant to?

SANDRA
It's relevant to the plot of Jurassic Park.

President Joe's father Jerry (70, upbeat, good attitude) enters and sits down next
to everyone.

JERRY
Sorry I'm late, guys. What's on tap?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well, dad. A--gas prices are high. And B--you don't work here, so you're not really
late for anything.

JERRY
... Hugs.

PRESIDENT JOE
Excuse me?

JERRY
That's how we can lower gas prices. By giving big hugs to gas station owners.
(to Owen)
Like, let's say you own a gas station.
Jerry hugs Owen.

OWEN
(to President Joe)
Um. Mr. President. Can you, um, handle this situation?

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Jerry)
Dad. Please stop hugging the Vice President.

JERRY
Okay.

He releases the hug.

JERRY
(to Owen)
Now, didn't that hug make you feel like lowering gas prices?

OWEN
I don't think so.

PRESIDENT JOE
I'm telling you guys--we need to do the mosquito thing, and make dinosaurs.

VANESSA
Dinosaurs don't have anything to do with oil!

PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. I'm gonna go the backyard and consult with Nathaniel.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE BACKYARD - DAY

President Joe enters the backyard.

NATHANIEL (50, zany contemplative) is standing on the other side of the fence.

PRESIDENT JOE
WHat's going on, bro.

NATHANIEL
Hey there, neighbor. I'm just reading the poems of Robert Frost. They're exquisite.
Let me read you a line. "But I have promises to keep / And miles to go before I
sleep."

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. Those lines, um--they rhyme real good. Keep, sleep. Anyways, what do you know
about lowering gas prices?

NATHANIEL
Well. Gas prices are governed by a complex interaction of variables--for instance,
demand, environmental regulations, OPEC, and how much wood a woodchuck would chucks
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

PRESIDENT JOE
Right. So, how should I deal with OPEC?
NATHANIEL
Well. I will say this. OPEC is not particularly fond of the West--and that makes it
difficult for Americans to negotiate with them.

PRESIDENT JOE
That gives me an idea.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is disguised as an Arab and milking a camel.

JERRY
Wow. That's two buckets full already. You know, I heard camel milk is very high in
magnesium.

OWEN
Where did you hear that?

JERRY
From my local milk man. Do you think he was lying, in order to sell me more camel
milk?

VANESSA
(to President Joe)
Mr. President. We've been sitting here watching you milk a camel for a half hour.
Would you mind telling us how this relates to oil prices?

PRESIDENT JOE
I'm training to go undercover as an OPEC member.

VANESSA
Well, how about we have an Arabic FBI agent go instead of you?

PRESIDENT JOE
FBI my ass! I'm the President. This is what I get paid four hundred thousand
dollars a week to do.

SANDRA
Um. Mr. President. It's four hundred thousand dollars a _year_.

PRESIDENT JOE
A year?

SANDRA
Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE
That doesn't sound like much.

JERRY
It's pretty good. I mean, do you know how many pimientos you can buy for four
hundred thousand dollars? Like, probably a shitload.

INT. OPEN HEADQUARTERS (MEETING ROOM) - DAY

15 MEN are seated at a table, including HASSAN HUSSEIN AL HUSSEINISAN (45), and
President Joe in disguise.
HASSAN
Hello. I am OPEC President Hassan Hussein al-Husseinisan. Before we start our
meeting, allow me to sing the official OPEC anthem.
(sings to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
Come and listen a story 'bout a fuel named oil / We dug down deep underneath all
our soil / We got a lot of premium crude / And now we're a bunch of rich Arab dudes
/ We do not like the USA / Their President is really gay / He eats corn right off
of the cob / While we prefer a shish-kabob.
(looks at President Joe)
Who are you?

PRESIDENT JOE
I'm Joe.

SAUDI ARABIAN MAN

Joe? That doesn't sound very OPECy.

PRESIDENT JOE
Good idea. I was just thinking. You know how we make oil prices high? Well--maybe
we should make them low, so we can be more like Walmart with its everyday low
prices.

HASSAN
I don't think you get the point of OPEC.

PRESIDENT JOE
I don't think you get the point of Walmart.

HASSAN
The hell with Walmart!

PRESIDENT JOE
Uh. Let me try this another way. You're homophobic--right?

HASSAN
Yes. This is correct.

PRESIDENT JOE
So. Um. Let me ask you this. Are you gay?

HASSAN
Absolutely not!

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You know. Oil is gay. If you're not gay, you should give away all your oil.

HASSAN
Oil is heterosexual!

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Let me ask you this. Why do you want to make oil as expensive as possible?

HASSAN
So we'll get more money for it.

PRESIDENT JOE
But, um... why do you want more money?
HASSAN
So we can buy more stuff.

PRESIDENT JOE
But, like, um... what is so great about having more stuff?

HASSAN
... I don't know. I've never thought of things that way.
(gets on his cell phone)
Make oil prices lower.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is no longer in disguise. He's milking a camel, while Owen, Vanessa,
and Sandra sit near him and watch.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I got OPEC to lower its prices. And now gas prices are at an all time low.

SANDRA
Right. And why exactly are you milking a camel?

PRESIDENT JOE
Vanessa. Tell her why I'm still milking this camel.

VANESSA
I don't know. And I don't know why you were milking this camel yesterday.

PRESIDENT JOE
Owen. Tell her why.

OWEN
Because... um... camel milk is high in magnesium.

The camera changes to reveal that Jerry is also in the bar, and he's drinking milk
out of a bucket.

JERRY
And it tastes great.

PRESIDENT JOE
Anyways. How much is gas selling for?

VANESSA
Twenty two cents a gallon. What the hell did you say to those OPEC guys?

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. You know. First I tried to manipulate them using their homophobia. Then I
convinced them that they don't need so much money, because all money is good for is
buying stuff, and what's so great about buying stuff? So, yeah. Now they know.

INT. CARDBOARD BOX - DAY

Hassan and his wife are in a large cardboard box.

WIFE
Hassan. Let me ask you a question. How come we moved from a mansion filled with Van
Gogh paintings and gold, to a cardboard box contained nothing?

HASSAN
Well. Because we don't need that much money and stuff. That's why I lowered OPEC's
oil prices from seventy dollars a barrel to seventy cents a barrel.

WIFE
Well. The thing is, I want to live in a mansion again.

HASSAN
Hm. Me, too.

Hassan takes out his phone.

HASSAN
(into phone)
Raise oil prices to one hundred jillion dollars a barrel. ... What do you meal
jillion is not a real number? ... Fine. Raise oil prices to seven hundred dollars a
barrel.

INT. CAR / EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and his staff (Owen, Vanessa, and Sandra) are in the car, while
COLLIN (35) drives. Collin stops at red light, and turns back to the others.

COLLIN
We're running out of gas. I gotta stop to get some.

Collin pulls in to a gas station.

President Joe looks at the sign listing the gas prices.

PRESIDENT JOE
Wait a second. Twenty three dollars and ninety nine cents a gallon? It was zero
dollars and twenty two cents yesterday.

OWEN
I'll bet OPEC just raised their prices.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I'm not paying twenty three ninety nine for gas.

COLLIN
Well. I guess we don't have to get high octane gas. We can get medium octane for
twenty three _eighty_ nine a gallon.

PRESIDENT JOE
The hell with that.

COLLIN
Or low octane for twenty three _seventy_ nine.

PRESIDENT JOE
That's too much.

COLLIN
Well. They also have a mixture of urine and low octane gas, for twenty three
_fifty_ nine.
PRESIDENT JOE
We're not getting any gas at these prices. I'm vetoing gas.

VANESSA
You can't veto gas.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well then I'm vetoing this car. Everyone out.

They all get out of the car.

SANDRA
(to President Joe)
Well. How do you expect us to go anywhere without a car?

PRESIDENT JOE
Listen, Sandra. Let me give you a little history lesson. The car is a relatively
new invention. Henry Ford invented the car in nineteen forty two, or maybe fourteen
ninety two, or some time between those two years. And before the car was invented,
people had lots of non-car ways to get around.

SANDRA
Okay. And what non-car option do you have in mind for us?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You know. We'll take the bus. Do any of you have any quarters?

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

VANESSA
Can we please just get back in that car?

PRESIDENT JOE
I got three words for you, Vanessa. Screw that idea!

VANESSA
Well. I got three words for you, Mr. President. Kiss my...

OWEN
Okay, everyone. Let's just slow down for a second.

VANESSA
I want to finish my three words.

OWEN
Let's just figure out our next move.

PRESIDENT JOE
Our next move is to get on the bus.

SANDRA
You're the President. You can afford to buy expensive gas.

PRESIDENT JOE
First of all, no I can't. It's recently come to my attention that I only make four
hundred thousand dollars a year. By the way--I did some research, and apparently
the Queen of England makes fifty mil a year--and all she does is wear hats, wave at
people, and eat mutton. And second of all, this isn't even about the money. It's
the principle of the whole thing. I'm not gonna pay outrageous prices for gas.

A bus pulls up. President Joe and the others begin getting on.

INT. BUS - DAY

They see a sign that says: "New Fare: $5." President Joe looks at the BUS DRIVER
(female, 45).

PRESIDENT JOE
Five dollars? The bus fare used to be a dollar fifty.

BUS DRIVER
Well. Gas prices have gone up.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Can you let us ride for free? I mean, I'm the President of the United States.

BUS DRIVER
So what?

She points to a STEREOTYPICAL CANADIAN MAN (45) seated on the bus.

BUS DRIVER
That guy over there is the President of Canada, and he paid five dollars.

PRESIDENT JOE
That's because Canada isn't a real country.

BUS DRIVER
Pay five dollars, or get your ass off this bus, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT JOE
Owen. Tell this guy to go fuck himself.

OWEN
Yes, Mr. President.
(to Bus Driver)
Go fuck yourself.

BUS DRIVER
I'm glad I didn't vote for you two assholes.

OWEN
(to President Joe)
Mr. President. Tell this guy to kiss my ass.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Bus Driver)
Kiss his ass.

EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and his staff are standing on the sidewalk. President Joe is sticking
up his thumb to the passing cars on the street. One DRIVER (male, 35) pulls over in
a Tesla electric car.
TESLA DRIVER
Howdy.

PRESIDENT JOE
What's up, bro? Can we get a ride?

TESLA DRIVER
Sure. Hop in.

INT. CAR 2 / EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe is seated in the passenger's seat, while Owen, Vanessa, and Sandra
are in the backseat.

PRESIDENT JOE
What kind of car is this?

TESLA DRIVER
This is a Tesla. Runs on electricity. I'm saving a bundle, since I don't have to
use gas. The more expensive gas is, the more I drive my Tesla. After all, I own a
Tesla.

OWEN
So, where are you headed?

TESLA DRIVER
Nowhere in particular. I just like driving a Tesla and not using gas.

SANDRA
Well. Can you take us to the Capitol building?

TESLA DRIVER
Absolutely!
(pulls a head of lettuce out of his glove compartment, and takes a bite of the
lettuce)
Lettuce is really good. By the way-- why do you guys want to go to the Capitol
Building?

PRESIDENT JOE
We're politicians.

TESLA DRIVER
What a second. Are you President Joe Smith?

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah.

TESLA DRIVER
Oh. In that case.

He pulls over.

TESLA DRIVER
Get the hell out of my car, Mr. President. As a Tesla fanatic, the only politicians
I support are Jill Stein and Ralph Nader.
EXT. STREET - DAY

President Joe and his staff are walking on the sidewalk.

SANDRA
This is ridiculous.

PRESIDENT JOE
This is awesome. I haven't walked through DC like this in a long time. What's that
thing over there?

OWEN
That's the Washington Monument.

PRESIDENT JOE
Wow. That sounds really important. I'm gonna take a selfie in front of it.

He takes a selfie.

PRESIDENT JOE
That's going on Instagram.

A MAN walks up to President Joe.

MAN
Are you the President?

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Maybe.

MAN
Because if you are, I really want to kick your ass.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Well in that case, yes--I am the President.
(to Owen)
Owen. Tell this guy to go fuck himself.

OWEN
(to Man)
Go fuck yourself.

INT. CAPITOL HILL BUILDING - DAY

Congress is in session. President Joe, Owen, Vanessa, and Sandra are seated among
everyone, including SENATOR LOPEZ (45), SENATOR SMITH (55), and Jerry.

SENATOR LOPEZ
And that's why we need to increase taxes on Barbra Streisand.

SENATOR SMITH
Alright. Sounds good.

JERRY
Let's take a recess. I want to go get some gummy bears from the vending machine.

SENATOR SMITH
You can leave whenever you want, Mr. Smith. You don't work here. You're the
President's father.

PRESIDENT JOE
Guys--we need to talk about gas prices. They're too high. We need to, like, start
using something other than gas powered cars.

SENATOR LOPEZ
How about electric cars?

PRESIDENT JOE
How about you shut your damn mouth, Senator Lopez? That's a ridiculous idea.

SENATOR LOPEZ
Well what do you think we should do?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Let's see. I charge my iPhone by plugging it in to an outlet. How about we do
that with cars? You know. We'll have people drive cars that they can plug in and
charge.

SENATOR LOPEZ
You mean like electric cars?

PRESIDENT JOE
No, you jackass. I mean cars that you charge like an iPhone.

SENATOR LOPEZ
That's what an electric car is.

PRESIDENT JOE
What makes you think you know so much about electricity? It's not like you're an
electrician or something.

SENATOR LOPEZ
You don't need to be an electrician to realize that you need electricity if you
want to charge up an electric car.

PRESIDENT JOE
I've heard enough of your semantics, Senator Lopez. I'm gonna go back to the bar
and handle this whole energy price thing. Now, can someone please give me and my
staff a ride?

JERRY
I can take you guys on my rickshaw.

INT. BAR - DAY

President Joe, his Staff, and Jerry are seated at the bar. CORNELIUS (40) is
working behind the counter.

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay. Let's brainstorm.

SANDRA
I think we gotta explore the electric car idea.

PRESIDENT JOE
Are you saying you agree with my nemesis, that jackass Senator Lopez?
SANDRA
Uh. No. I'm just saying, you know, that I prefer his idea to yours.

VANESSA
Well. Electric cars aren't really a _solution_ solution. I mean, those cars are
expensive to manufacture, and electricity itself is somewhat expensive.

PRESIDENT JOE
I have an idea. You know how earlier, you said that Jurassic Park isn't relevant to
what we're doing?

VANESSA
Uh. Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You know what _is_ relevant? Back to the Future.

[Later]

President Joe and his Staff are seated with ROBERT ZEMECKIS.

PRESIDENT JOE
So you're the guy who made Back to the Future?

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Yeah. I'm Robert Zemeckis. Um. Why did you have the FBI pull me off of the street
and take me over here?

OWEN
I kind of want to know that myself.

SANDRA
I gotta admit, I'm a little curious, too.

VANESSA
I actually think I know where this is headed.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Robert Zemeckis)
Listen, Robert Zemeckis. You know that scene where the Doc puts garbage in the
DeLorean, and some thingamajig turns the garbage into fuel?

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Yes.

PRESIDENT JOE
I need you to make a hundred million of those thingamajigs. Either do that, or find
some Libyans who sell high quality plutonium.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Yeah. The thing is, I'm not an international plutonium middleman. Or a guy who
invents fuel thingamajigs. I'm a filmmaker.

CORNELIUS
Great Scott!

PRESIDENT JOE
That's an even better idea.
INT. BAR - DAY

President Joe is talking to CHRISTOPHER LLOYD.

PRESIDENT JOE
Thanks for coming in, Doc.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD
I'm Christopher Lloyd.

PRESIDENT JOE
Who?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD
The actor who played the Doc.

PRESIDENT JOE
Right. Yeah. Whatever. I need you to make a hundred million of those garbage fuel
thingamajigs.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR
Earlier today, actor Christopher Lloyd invented a device that turns garbage into
fuel. And in related news, the price of oil went from seven hundred dollars to one
Mexican centavo. And the price of urine remained the same.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe and his staff are watching the news program on TV.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. There you go. Energy is cheap. Also, I just hired Biff Tannen to beat the
shit out of Hassan Hussein al-Husseinissan.

SANDRA
Hm. I'm kind of surprised that Christopher Lloyd is such a good inventor.

OWEN
Well. I guess it only goes to show you that, um... I don't know what it goes to
show you. I guess it goes to show you that fictional characters should be taken
more seriously.

VANESSA
Yeah. Maybe we should hire Scrooge McDuck to head the economy.

INT. STORE - DAY

Hassan is buying items.

HASSAN
Okay. I'll take five Van Gogh paintings, a pack of Mentos, two islands, five
mansions, one private jet, and four yachts.
EMPLOYEE
Okay. That'll be $2.3 billion.

HASSAN
I only have 94 Mexican centavos.

EMPLOYEE
Well then you're gonna have to take back a few items.

HASSAN
(sings)
Death, death, death to Christopher Lloyd / His invention obsoleted our oil / Crude
is worth as much as doody / But Back to the Future is a really good movie.

BIFF TANNEN walks up to him.

BIFF TANNEN
Hey, butthead! Why don't you make like a tree, and kiss my ass?

He punches Hassan in the face.

THE END

____

"Aliens in DC"

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT JOE (45) is sitting at his desk. His Chief of Staff VANESSA (40, Native
American) walks in.

VANESSA
Mr. President. Um. I know this is gonna sound kind of strange. But, there are some
aliens outside the White House, and their leader wants to talk to you.

PRESIDENT JOE
I see. Very interesting. And what about the Chinese food I ordered?

VANESSA
It's not here yet.

President Joe's father JERRY (70, pleasant, good attitude) enters.

JERRY
Sorry I'm late, guys. I was very busy.

PRESIDENT JOE
Busy doing what?

JERRY
Um. I guess I was busy putting on my suit. Anyways--what did I miss?
VANESSA
(to Jerry)
Aliens landed outside of the White House.

JERRY
Aliens! Wow! Fantastic! I actually have a gift basket specifically for this
occasion.

VANESSA
Gift basket?

JERRY
It's like I always say--you can never have too many gift baskets. Unless you have,
like, a shitload of gift baskets. That would be excessive.

PRESIDENT JOE
Vanessa. Tell the aliens I'll be with them soon. In the meantime, I'm gonna consult
with my Secretary of Education.

VANESSA
Will you please stop consulting with that lunatic?

PRESIDENT JOE
He's not a lunatic. He's my Secretary of Education--and I want him to educate me.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE BACKYARD

President Joe walks out into his backyard. NATHANIEL (55, zany, contemplative) is
on the other side of the fence, and standing next to a telescope.

NATHANIEL
Well. Hey there, neighbor.

PRESIDENT JOE
Hey, Nathaniel. What's going on?

NATHANIEL
My underwear is on backwards. What's going on with you?

PRESIDENT JOE
Some aliens landed in DC, and they want to talk to me. What do you think they want?

NATHANIEL
Well. Let's see what the math has to say.
(takes out a calculator and begins pressing buttons on it)
Mathematically, when I type on 80085 on a calculator, it looks like the word
"boobs." That must mean the aliens are here for Spring Break.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is in the Oval Office with Vanessa, as well as his Vice President
OWEN (45), and his Secretary of State SANDRA (40).

VANESSA
Okay. The alien leader will be in here any minute now.

OWEN
When you spoke to him, did he use the expression "Take me to your leader," and/or
did he mention probing anyone's anus?

VANESSA
No.

PRESIDENT JOE
Listen, guys. Let's try to focus on what's important here. We need to make sure the
aliens think we're cool. Maybe we should smoke.

President Joe takes out a pack of cigarettes and starts smoking. Owen follows suit.

SANDRA
Um. How about we actually figure out how we should deal with the aliens?

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Well. Excuse me. By the way--haven't you spent the last five minutes working on
your makeup?

SANDRA
I want to look good for the alien leader.

PRESIDENT JOE
Are you planning to do him?

SANDRA
No. maybe.

VANESSA
I think I hear the alien coming.

A DELIVERY MAN (50) walks in holding a bag of Chinese food.

SANDRA
Um. Hi. Welcome to our planet.

DELIVERY MAN
I have one order of chicken chow mein.

PRESIDENT JOE
Wait a second. Is your planet Chinese?

VANESSA
Uh. Mr. President. I think that's the Chinese food delivery guy. From earth.

President Joe's secretary CLAIRE (35) walks in with the ALIEN: BOB ALIENINSKY (45).

CLAIRE
Um. Everyone. This is the alien leader, Prime Minister Alieninsky.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Alien)
Hello. Welcome to earth. I'm President Joe Smith.

ALIEN
I am Bob Alieninsky.

PRESIDENT JOE
Nice to meet you.
(referring to Claire)
You've already met my Secretary, Claire.
(referring to Vanessa)
And you've also met my Chief of Staff, Vanessa. By the way--she's my Chief of
Staff, and she's Native American--but she's not a Native American chief.

ALIEN
Okay.

PRESIDENT JOE
(introduces Owen)
And this is my Vice President, Owen.

OWEN
(to Alien)
Hi. Um. I'm not 100% sure how to greet you. You know. I don't know your customs. Do
you want me to curtsy?

ALIEN
No. Curtsying on my planet is equivalent to giving someone the middle finger on
your planet.

OWEN
Oh. Well in that case,
(sticks up his middle finger)
here you go.

SANDRA
(to President Joe)
Introduce _me_ now, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT JOE
This is my Secretary of State, Sandra.

SANDRA
It's an honor to met you, Bob. And let me just say, that is a lovely sweater vest.

ALIEN
I bought it at TJ Maxx.

PRESIDENT JOE
You guys have TJ Maxx on your planet?

ALIEN
And Ross Dress For Less. Those are the only two clothing stores where I'm from.

VANESSA
Um. You guys must really like discount clothing.

Jerry enters holding a gift basket.

JERRY
(to Alien)
Greetings and salutations, Mr. Alien!

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Alien, referring to Jerry)
This is my father, Jerry.
JERRY
(to Alien)
And as America's ambassador to all other planets, I hereby present to you, this
lovely gift basket I bought from Trader Joe's.

ALIEN
Thanks.

The Alien immediately opens the gift basket ad begins eating the items in it.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Alien)
So, uh--what brings you to earth, Bobby?

ALIEN
Bob. Not Bobby. On my planet, there are no name variations. Bob is Bob. Not Bobby.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Okay, Bob. So what brings you here, douchebag?

ALIEN
We want land.

PRESIDENT JOE
Wait a second. Are you trying to take over this planet?

ALIEN
No. We just want Detroit.

OWEN
Great. You can have it. You can have Cleveland, too. By the way--what planet are
you from?

ALIEN
I'm from Shimmy Shimmy.

PRESIDENT JOE
Shimmy Shimmy. Let me write that down.

He takes out his iPhone and types.

ALIEN
Is that an iPhone 8?

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah.

ALIEN
What are you--a fag or something? On Shimmy Shimmy, everyone has at least an iPhone
953.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Owen)
Um. Did that alien dude just call me a fag?

OWEN
I think so.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Alien)
Um. Saying the word "fag" is, you know. It's kind of offensive.

ALIEN
Offensive? What are you--a fag or something?

VANESSA
Uh. What does the word "fag" mean on your planet?

ALIEN
It means someone who uses outdated iPhones, or someone who finds the word "fag"
offensive.

JERRY
Fascinating. And what does the word "Worcestershire" mean on your planet?

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY

President Joe is addressing the camera. Owen is standing next to him. Various MEDIA
MEMBERS are in attendance.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. Earlier today, I had a little chat with some douchy alien named Bob. He
called me a fag. And, um, that pretty much wraps up this press conference.

OWEN
What about the Detroit thing?

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Right.
(to media)
Yeah. Um. I gave the aliens Detroit--so if that's where you live, you're gonna have
to move.

President Joe's cell phone rings.

PRESIDENT JOE
(into phone)
Hello?

The caller is MAYOR WAYANS (50, black).

MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)

Mr. President. It's Ed Wayans.

PRESIDENT JOE
Right. Yeah. Scary Movie. Hot Chicks. You're a really good actor.

MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)

I'm not a Wayans brother. I'm Ed Wayans--the Mayor of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Alright. What do you want?

MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)

I want you to not give Detroit to the aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE
I already gave it to them.

MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)

Well then where do you want us to go?

PRESIDENT JOE
I'll figure something out. I'll call you,

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is seated at his desk. Vanessa enters.

VANESSA
There are some people at the front door who want to see you.

PRESIDENT JOE
Who?

VANESSA
Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE
What do you mean Detroit?

VANESSA
I mean the 700,000 people who used to live in Detroit.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

The President opens the door, and sees a countless number of PEOPLE from Detroit
standing there, including Mayor Wayans.

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Hi.

MAYOR WAYANS
Well, Mr. President. Here we are.

PRESIDENT JOE
Mm hm. And what are you doing here?

MAYOR WAYANS
We made an exodus out of Detroit. And this is our new land.

PRESIDENT JOE
You know, I hear Puerto Rico is nice this time of year. They drink sangria over
there.

MAYOR WAYANS
Good for them. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to get situated over here.

EXT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

[Later]
Hundreds of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue on the White House front
lawn.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is seated at his desk, while 300 PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are hanging out
in various parts of the room. Some of them are sitting on President Joe's desk.
President Joe gets up, squeezes dis way through all of the people and opens the
door to the oval office bathroom.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe enters. He closes the door and calls someone.

PRESIDENT JOE
(into phone)
Uh. We need to have a meeting. In the Oval Office bathroom.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe is having a meeting with his staff (Owen, Vanessa, and Sandra).

VANESSA
Hm. We're having a meeting in your bathroom.

PRESIDENT JOE
This is the only place that isn't packed with people.

OWEN
Well let's go to the bar.

PRESIDENT JOE
The bar is even more crowded than the White House. Besides, I kind of like meeting
up in the bathroom. I mean, it's nice having my medicine cabinet nearby.

He opens the medicine cabinet, takes out a bag of cocaine, and dips his finger in
it.

VANESSA
Uh. News flash, Mr. President. Cocaine is not medicine.

PRESIDENT JOE
It is if you don't inhale.

He snorts some cocaine off of his finger.

OWEN
Hm. Good point.

PRESIDENT JOE
Listen. I came up with a good idea. You know all those bullshit states we have?

SANDRA
Like what?

PRESIDENT JOE
I don't know. Like Iowa. Let's take some empty land there, and turn it into a city
called New Detroit.

OWEN
You're gonna create a city called New Detroit, Iowa?

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. After all--Iowa sucks.

VANESSA
... I'm from Iowa.

PRESIDENT JOE
Exactly. So you know what a sucky state it is.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAY

A bunch of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue. President Joe, Owen, and
Jerry are talking to MAN 2 (30, black).

PRESIDENT JOE
So. They tell me you're the guy who brought Detroit over here.

MAN 2
Yeah. The Mayor was all like, "Let's move to Flint." And I was all like, "I'm not
looking to be a Flintstonian. Let's head on down to DC, and live in the White
Castle."

PRESIDENT JOE
This is the White _House_.

MAN 2
It's a castle. You got a dungeon downstairs.

OWEN
That's not a dungeon. That's just a basement prison where we put all the third
party presidential candidates, like Ralph Nader.

JERRY
I go down there every Wednesday and play mahjong with Eugene V. Debs.

MAN 2
What the hell is mahjong?

OWEN
It's like the white person version of dominoes.

MAN 2
And who the hell is Eugene V. Debs?

JERRY
He's like the white person version of Malcolm X.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe and his Staff

SANDRA
So how did it go?

OWEN
Well. I'll give you a summary. The President said, "How about you move to Iowa?"
Detroit said, "Iowa sucks."

VANESSA
Iowa's a fantastic state. Sandra. You've been to Iowa with me. Tell them how great
Iowa is.

SANDRA
Well. I guess it's great, in sort of a sucky way.

OWEN
(to Everyone)
Listen. I have an idea. Maybe we can get the _aliens_ to move to Iowa. And then the
Detroit people can move back to Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE
Ten four.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

[Later]

President Joe is talking to the Alien.

PRESIDENT JOE
Thanks for coming in. How did you get here so quickly?

ALIEN
I used a teletransportation device. Do you want me to show you how to build one?

PRESIDENT JOE
No.

ALIEN
So, what did you want to talk to me about?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I'm gonna upgrade you guys from Detroit, Michigan, to a first class city in
Iowa.

ALIEN
The corn state?

PRESIDENT JOE
It's not just a corn state. They also have, you know, like, um, pants, and
ceilings. It's a great state. So, um, yeah. You should move to Iowa.

ALIEN
You know, on my planet we have a saying. "Orbity yo shorbity, hominuh hominuh Steve
Urkel Stefan Ur-kel."

PRESIDENT JOE
What does that mean?
ALIEN
It means, "No thanks, butthead--we don't want to live in Iowa!"

INT. US CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY

Congress is in session. Some of the people present include President Joe, Jerry,
SENATOR LOPEZ (45) and SENATOR SMITH (65).

SENATOR SMITH
Alright. US Congress, session 15,467. I respectfully submit to Congress, that we
increase taxes on the rich.

JERRY
How about we have a bake sale instead?! I have a fantastic recipe for oatmeal
raisin cookies.

SENATOR SMITH
(to Everyone)
Let the record show that the President's father, who isn't a Senator or
Congressman, wants to increase government revenue by selling cookies.

PRESIDENT JOE
Guys. Forget the economy right now. I got another thing I want to talk about. We're
declaring war on the aliens.

SENATOR LOPEZ
I like the aliens. You know, maybe instead of fighting a war against the aliens, we
should impeach you, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT JOE
Maybe I should kick your ass, Senator Lopez.

SENATOR LOPEZ
Impeachment.

SENATOR SMITH
Let's do it. Here's the procedure. If the majority of the House votes yes, and two
thirds of the Senate votes yes, then we all grab shanks and kill the President
right here, live on C-SPAN.

SENATOR LOPEZ
Alright. House of Representatives--how many of you want to get rid of the
President?

About half of the CONGRESSMEN raise their hands. Senator Lopez quickly counts their
votes.

SENATOR LOPEZ
219 to 213. Senate. How many of you want to get rid of the President?

About half of the SENATORS raise their hands.

SENATOR LOPEZ
55 to 45.

SENATOR SMITH
That's not two thirds. But we did get eleven twentieths--and that gives us the
right to tar and feather the President.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe is tarred and feathered. He's talking to his Staff.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. How are we gonna get the aliens out of Detroit?

SANDRA
Nice outfit, by the way.

PRESIDENT JOE
It's not an outfit. It's a tar and feathering.

Jerry enters.

JERRY
What up, y'all? What are you guys talking about? Let me guess. Senator Feingold and
her big ol' booty.

PRESIDENT JOE
Uh. No, dad. We were talking about the aliens. By the way--could it get any more
crowded in this bathroom?

Nathaniel enters.

NATHANIEL
Hey. How's it going?

PRESIDENT JOE
Just the man I wanted to see. How are we gonna get the aliens out of Detroit?

NATHANIEL
Well. I suppose you can do it with the strategic use of harlots.

VANESSA
(to Everyone)
You know, he makes a good point.

OWEN
He does?

VANESSA
Well. Sort of. I mean. The point is, we need to manipulate the aliens with
something or another.

OWEN
Well. Let's see. What do we know about the aliens?

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. We know that they're not from earth. We know that they're from another planet.
We know that they're extra-terrestrials. And we know that they're aliens.

OWEN
You just said the same thing in four different ways.

SANDRA
You know what? Senator Lopez had a meeting with Bob Alieninsky. Let's find out what
he knows.

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. Someone call up that asshole, and tell him to come in here.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe and his Staff are having a meeting with Senator Lopez.

VANESSA
(to Senator Lopez)
What do you know about the aliens, Senator Lopez?

SENATOR LOPEZ
Well. Let's see. I know that they're not from earth. I know that they're from
another planet. I know that they're extra-terrestrials. And I know that they're
aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE
You just said the same thing in four different ways, you jackass.

SENATOR LOPEZ
Well. I'm not the jackass whose office has a toilet in it.

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. You're the jackass whose _brain_ has a toilet in it.

SANDRA
Senator Lopez. Hi. Um. Can you just, like, tell us some more stuff you know about
the aliens?

SENATOR LOPEZ
Let's see. I was talking to Bob Alieninsky. And he told me that these are the
aliens' three favorite things about earth. One, Detroit. Two. The show Two and a
Half Men. And three. Snow cones.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe is having a meeting with the Alien.

ALIEN
What do you want this time?

PRESIDENT JOE
There's someone I want you to meet.

ALIEN
Who? You?

PRESIDENT JOE
Uh. No. Not me. You've already met me.

ALIEN
Right. Yeah. You're that faggy guy with the iPhone 8.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Um. The point is, I want you to meet someone else.

CHARLIE SHEEN walks into the bathroom.

ALIEN
Charlie Sheen!

CHARLIE SHEEN
What's going on, bro?

ALIEN
Mr. Sheen--I'm a huge fan of yours.

CHARLIE SHEEN
Mr. Sheen is my father. Please. Call me Sir Carlos Estevez the Fourth.

ALIEN
Okay, Sir Carlos Estevez the Fourth. Let me ask you something. Have you ever seen
Two and a Half Men?

CHARLIE SHEEN
Uh. Yeah.

ALIEN
It's good--isn't it?

CHARLIE SHEEN
Uh. Yeah. But you know what's _not_ so good?

ALIEN
What?

CHARLIE SHEEN
Detroit.

ALIEN
Detroit's not so good?

CHARLIE SHEEN
It sucks.

ALIEN
Detroit sucks?

CHARLIE SHEEN
Detroit sucks. It's a sucky city. I used to live there, and I left. And I ate some
snow cones. You know what's non-sucky? Leaving Detroit and eating snowcones on your
planet.

ALIEN
Oh. Well. I guess you're right. After all--you're Sir Carlos Estevez the Fourth.

CHARLIE SHEEN
Close. I'm Doctor Sir Carlos Estevez the Fourth.

PRESIDENT JOE
You're damn right you are. Now get the hell out of my office.

CHARLIE SHEEN
This is a bathroom.

PRESIDENT JOE
Whatever it is, get out of it.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

President Joe is having a meeting with his Staff.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. The aliens moved back to Shimmy Shimmy, and the Detroitians moved back to
Detroit.

OWEN
So why are we still having meetings in your bathroom?

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Joe is seated at his desk, and his Staff is in the room.

PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. The aliens moved back to Shimmy Shimmy, and the Detroitians moved back to
Detroit.

The camera reveals a worker installing a urinal in the oval office.

VANESSA
Why is someone installing a urinal in here?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You know. I got used to having a urinal in my office. It's good. I mean,
lets's say I have the President of England in here. He can just urinate while we
discuss NAFTA or whatever.

VANESSA
England doesn't have a President.

PRESIDENT JOE
No wonder it's such a sucky country.

SANDRA
My _mother's_ from England.

PRESIDENT JOE
Exactly. So you and her know how sucky that place is.

THE END

____

"Vegas, Baby"

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT JOE (45) and OWEN (45) are eating pizza.

PRESIDENT JOE
Last slice, bro. Who gets it?

OWEN
Rock, paper, scissors?

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay.

They play rock paper, scissors.

JOE AND OWEN

Rock paper, scissors.

OWEN
Paper beats rock.

PRESIDENT JOE
But I'm President--so I have veto power over paper.

OWEN
Well. I'm _Vice_ President--so I have the vice executive power to unveto your veto.

PRESIDENT JOE
Wait a second. Is that true?

OWEN
Well. If you don't believe me, just read the Constitution and you'll see.

PRESIDENT JOE
Read? Dude--you know how much I dislike reading. That's why I became President.
It's one of those jobs where you don't have to read.

OWEN
Um. Actually, Mr. President. I think your job does require some reading.

VANESSA (40) enters.

VANESSA
Uh. The President of Estonia is gonna be here soon.

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay.

VANESSA
Maybe we should, like, have someone clean up in here. It looks a little more like a
frathouse than the Oval Office.

PRESIDENT JOE
What are you--my mother or something? Who gives a shit what it looks like in here?

VANESSA
Um. The rest of the world gives a shit.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

[Later]

President Joe is seated at his desk, across from TONY (50, Estonian).

PRESIDENT JOE
So. You're the President of Estonia.

TONY
This is correct.

PRESIDENT JOE
Awesome. That's a great country. I love it.

There are red, white, and blue phones on the President's desk. The blue phone
rings.

PRESIDENT JOE
Excuse me. The blue phone is ringing. I have to take this.

President Joe picks up the blue phone.

NATHANIEL (55, black, zany, contemplative) is in his backyard and on his cell
phone.

(Back and for between President Joe in the Oval Office and Nathaniel in his
backyard)

PRESIDENT JOE
Hello?

NATHANIEL
Little known fact. When marijuana smoke enters a sheep's lungs, the THC is absorbed
into the bloodstream, causing the sheep to have an intense craving for Taco Bell
chalupas.

PRESIDENT JOE
I did not know that.

President Joe hangs up.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Tony)
So. Like I was saying. I love Estonia.

President Joe's father JERRY (70, cheerful, friendly) enters.

JERRY
Sorry I'm late.

PRESIDENT JOE
You're not late, dad. You don't work here.
(to Tony)
Um. This is my father, Jerry.

Tony gets up.

TONY
I am Tony Bamonia--President of Estonia.
He shakes Jerry's hand.

JERRY
It's great to meet you. I love Estonia. It's my favorite country in all of South
America.

TONY
Well. Actually--Estonia is not in South America.

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah, dad. Estonia is _North_ America.

TONY
Actually, it is in Europe.

PRESIDENT JOE
Then what's in _North_ America?

TONY
Canada, Mexico, and the United States.

PRESIDENT JOE
United States? That's the one _I'm_ the President of.

TONY
This is correct.

JERRY
Wow. I'm really enjoying this. Advanced geography.

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. Well. Let's do some advanced _politics_.

Tony hands President Joe a document.

TONY
Can you sign this trade agreement?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I mean, I don't really like reading trade agreements.

TONY
Good. I don't want you to read it. Just sign it.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well what does it say?

TONY
That you'll buy 300,000 gallons of halojowutah from Estonia.

PRESIDENT JOE
What the hell is halojowutah?

TONY
It is, uh, kind of like donkey urine.

PRESIDENT JOE
Except...
TONY
Except it is _horse_ urine. We can sell it to you for 83 cents per gallon.

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay. Well. That's a tempting offer-- but we've actually got enough halojowutah in
this country to last us for the next 500 years.

JERRY
Well. Let's think this through, Joe. I mean, maybe importing 300,000 gallons of
Estonian halojowutah is exactly what our economy needs right now.

President Joe's secretary CLAIRE (30) walks in holding a box of toothpicks.

CLAIRE
(to President Joe)
Here are the toothpicks you asked for, Mr. President.

Tony picks up a tape dispenser and throws it at her, knocking the toothpicks box
out of her hands. The box opens as it hits the floor, and hundreds of toothpicks
fall out of it.

TONY
258.3. I see 258.3 toothpicks.

Claire picks up the box.

CLAIRE
Well. This is a new box of 1000.

She opens the box.

CLAIRE
And there are six left in the box.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Tony)

Holy crap! You can count hundreds of toothpicks by just glancing at them.

CLAIRE
There were 994 toothpicks on the floor--and his guess was 258.3.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. He was pretty close. And according to the movie Rain Man, if someone knows
how to count toothpicks, he knows how to beat the casino at blackjack.
(to Tony)
Dude--let's go to Vegas.

TONY
Voos Vega, Estonia?

PRESIDENT JOE
Las Vegas, Nevada.

INT. WHITE HOUSE BEDROOM - DAY

President Joe is throwing clothes into a small bag. Vanessa, Owen, and SANDRA (40)
are standing near him.

SANDRA
You're going to Vegas with the President of Estonia?

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. It's gonna be me, him, and Owen.

SANDRA
What about me and Vanessa?

PRESIDENT JOE
Uh. I don't think so. Bros before hos.

VANESSA
A--that statement doesn't apply here at all. And B--be and Sandra are not hos.
We're the Chief of Staff and Secretary of State.

PRESIDENT JOE
Duly noted.
(to Owen)
You know who else we should take? My Secretary of Education, Nathaniel. He's smart.
He'll also give us an edge playing blackjack.

OWEN
I don't think his particular combination of intelligence and insanity are a good
fit for blackjack. Or anything else.

PRESIDENT JOE
Dude. He's coming. He'll do the math,and Tony will count cards.

VANESSA
So you're going to Vegas to count cards?

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. You know. It's good for the economy.

VANESSA
You're gonna play with the government's money?

PRESIDENT JOE
Hell no. I'm gonna play with my own money.

VANESSA
Whatever. You're out of your mind.

SANDRA
I want to come, too.

VANESSA
What?

SANDRA
Vegas. It'll be fun.

PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. Whatever. You two can come. It'll be hos and bros.

VANESSA
Damn it, Mr. President! We are not hos.

PRESIDENT JOE
Calm down. It's just an expression.
(to Owen)
I was just thinking. you know who else we should bring? Vince Vaughn. 'Cause, I
mean, that guy is Vegas, baby. He's so money.

OWEN
Do you know him?

PRESIDENT JOE
No. But Nathaniel is really good friends with him. I'll have Nathaniel bring Vince
Vaughn along. Vegas, baby!

VANESSA
Um. We are not going to freaking Las Vegas with Vince Vaughn, Nathaniel, and the
President of Estonia.

INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY

Seated on the plane are President Joe, Vanessa, Owen, Sandra, Tony, VINCE VAUGHN,
and Nathaniel.

PRESIDENT JOE
Vegas, baby! Vegas!

VINCE VAUGHN
Stop saying that.

PRESIDENT JOE
But we're going to Las Vegas, just like in the movie Swingers. And you're Vince
Vaughn, just like in the movie Swingers.

VINCE VAUGHN
Yeah. I'm a little sick of people quoting that movie line to me, Mr. President. If
you want to quote lines from Swingers, do it in front of someone who isn't Vince
Vaughn.

NATHANIEL
Did you know that I'm not related to the black guy in Swingers--but I am fifth
cousins with the white guy on Moesha?

A few second pass.

SANDRA
Vegas, baby! Vegas!

Vince Vaughn stares at her.

SANDRA
Sorry. I couldn't help myself. I mean, you _are_ Vince Vaughn.

VINCE VAUGHN
I'm a multi-dimensional person.

PRESIDENT JOE
Listen, Vinny. We're just saying that there's nothing wrong with letting the girls
know that you're money and that you want to party.

VINCE VAUGHN
Don't quote my own fucking movie lines to me. Okay, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay. Calm down.
(takes out a bag of cocaine, and snorts some)
You guys want to do some blow?

VINCE VAUGHN
Man. I can't believe I voted for you.

VANESSA
Uh. The President doesn't snort cocaine that often. He just does it on special
occasions.

OWEN
And by "special occasions," do you mean "Monday through Sunday?"

VANESSA
No I don't.
(to Vince Vaughn)
The President does not snort cocaine every Monday through Sunday.

VINCE VAUGHN
That's good to know. By the way--who's this gentleman sitting next to me?

PRESIDENT JOE
Tony Bamonia, President of Estonia.

VINCE VAUGHN
(to Tony)
What the hell is Estonia?

TONY
It's a country.

VINCE VAUGHN
(smiles)
I'm just messing with you, Tony. I know about all the countries in Central America.

INT. CASINO - DAY

President Joe, Tony, Nathaniel, Vince Vaughn, and Sandra are seated at a blackjack
table, while Vanessa, Owen, and Jerry stand behind them.

DEALER
Holy crap! You're Vince Vaughn!

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I'm the President.

DEALER
Holy crap, Mr. President! You're sitting next to Vince Vaughn!
(to Vince Vaughn)
Vegas, baby. Vegas!
Vince Vaughn punches the Dealer in the face.

INT. CASINO - DAY

[Later]

The players are are in the middle of a hand.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Tony)
What do you think?

TONY
I think you should Go Fish.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to the Dealer)
Go Fish.

DEALER
For the hundredth time, Mr. President--you can't tell me to Go Fish when you're
playing blackjack.

TONY
In Estonia, you can.

DEALER
This is the Bellagio--not the Estonio. We use standard American blackjack rues.

TONY
Well then. I guess we'll stand.

The Dealer turns to Sandra.

DEALER
And you?

SANDRA
Do you work out?

DEALER
Uh. Sometimes I do some Jane Fonda aerobics.

SANDRA
I can tell. I wouldn't mind taking off that shirt of yours and seeing what's under
the hood.

DEALER
Um. Okay. So, do you want to hit or stand?

SANDRA
Hit me, baby!

He deals her a card.

SANDRA
Ooh. I like the way you deal. If I didn't have 20, I'd ask you for another hit.
DEALER
Okay.
(turns to Nathaniel)
And you?

NATHANIEL
Split.

DEALER
You can't split a 5 and a 9. They're two different numbers.

NATHANIEL
But they both have the same chemical composition. Don't you know anything about the
Periodic Table?

Tony slaps the dealer's Jack.

DEALER
What the hell are you doing?

TONY
I'm slapping the dealer's Jack. In Estonia, that means you have to give me five
pounds of halibut.

[Later]

President Joe is the only player at the table. Owen walks up to him.

OWEN
How's it going?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Sandra left with my dealer. Also, I'm down $30,002,500.

OWEN
But you only brought a few thousand dollars with you.

PRESIDENT JOE
The casino gave me $30 million in credit.

A CASINO MANAGER (male, 50) walks up to them.

CASINO MANAGER
Mr. President. I'm afraid we can't give you the extra $10 million in credit you
requested. Also, you're gonna have to pay back the $30 million we gave you.

PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Let's see.
(takes a $100 bill out of his wallet and hands it to the Casino Manager)
Here's a down payment of a $100. And I'm gonna need a financing plan for the other
$29,999,900.

CASINO MANAGER
There's no financing plan. This isn't a Toyota dealership.

PRESIDENT JOE
Then how come there's a Toyota over there?

He points to a Toyota next to some slot machines.

CASINO MANAGER
That's a jackpot prize.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY

Sandra is walking with the Dealer from before.

SANDRA
So that's it? Wham, bam, thank you ma'am?

DEALER
What do you mean?

SANDRA
We just did it five minutes ago--and now you're saying you gotta go.

DEALER
Um. I already told you--I'm married, and my wife expects me back at 2:30.

SANDRA
And?

DEALER
And you live 2500 miles away in Washington DC, and you're the Secretary of State.
So it's not like we can start dating or something.

SANDRA
Right. I realize that. It's just, I like ending relationships with a dramatic
scene.

DEALER
Um. Okay.

SANDRA
You're breaking up with me?!

DEALER
I guess so.

She slaps him in the face.

DEALER
Um. Okay. Should I, like, go now?

SANDRA
Kiss me first.

He kisses her on the lips.

SANDRA
Okay. Well. Bye.

She slaps him again, and walks away. She makes her way through the hall and to the
casino area.

Several yards away, Nathaniel is talking to a CASINO EMPLOYEE.

NATHANIEL
Excuse me. Do you guys have a library here?

CASINO EMPLOYEE
Sir. This is a hotel casino in Las Vegas. Of course we have a library. Just go to
the poker table over there, walk past the ATM machines, and make a left.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

President Joe and Owen are seated across from GAY (male, 50).

GAY
So, Mr. President. I understand you owe us some money.

PRESIDENT JOE
Listen. Instead of me paying you 30 mil, how about we add you to Mount Rushmore,
next to that Abraham Lincoln?

OWEN
Uh. Mr. President. We already sold that space to Burger King.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh yeah.
(to Gay)
We can put you next to Washington.

GAY
Forget that. I, uh, noticed you hanging out with Vince Vaughn.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. How would you like to meet him?

GAY
For $30 million I want more than a meeting.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well, if you want to sleep with him, it's gonna run you 80 million.

GAY
I don't swing that way.

PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. I though maybe you did, since your name is Gay Hookerlover.

The camera reveals a nameplate on his desk that says "Gay Hookerlover - Owner, This
Casino."

GAY
It's pronounced Guiy Hoo-CARE-lo-veer. It's Estonian.

OWEN
Oh. Uh. You know, we're good friends with the President of Estonia.

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Gay)
Yeah. And we'll let you sleep with him for $80 million.

GAY
I don't swing that way. Also, I don't like Tony Bamonia.

PRESIDENT JOE
But you _do_ like Vince Vaughn?

GAY
Yes.

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. For $30 million, you can cuddle with him for a half hour.

GAY
I have something else in mind.

INT. BUFFET - DAY

Vince walks over the the buffet, next to a MAN (35) who's scooping shrimp onto his
plate. he continues scooping shrimp for a few rounds.

VINCE VAUGHN
Hey. You want to ease up the shrimp a little? You don't have to eat every shrimp in
the house.

MAN
I don't have to. But I have the right to.

VINCE VAUGHN
Exactly. You have the right to, but you don't have to. I mean, you have the right
to do a lot of things. Most of those things make you a first rate asshole. We live
in a society, with an unwritten social code that says when you're at a buffet, you
don't scoop shrimp like an asshole, even though technically, you have the right to.

MAN
Maybe you should exercise your right to mind your own damn business.

He puts some more shrimp on his plate.

VINCE VAUGHN
Don't scoop any more shrimp.

MAN
... Okay.

He puts down the scoop, and then uses his hand to put more shrimp on the plate.

MAN
I'm not scooping them.

Vince Vaughn attacks him.

add scene

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Nathaniel is seated at a desk, and "reading" The Cat in the Hat out loud.
NATHANIEL
Call me Ishmael. Some years ago--never mind how long precisely--I took a drunk
woman back to the planetarium at 3 am.

A LIBRARIAN (female, 45) walks up to him.

LIBRARIAN
Sir. Um. This is a casino library. Can you keep it down a little?

NATHANIEL
Absolutely not!

EXT. CASINO - DAY

Vince Vaughn, Vanessa, and Nathaniel are standing outside of a casino.

VINCE VAUGHN
Man. What kind of a hotel is this? You beat the crap out of one guy at the buffet,
and they kick you out.

NATHANIEL
Tell me about it. I got kicked out for reading The Cat in the Hat.

VINCE VAUGHN
(to Vanessa)
So, how about we head on over to the Circus Circus hotel? I hear around there, you
can fight anyone you want.

VANESSA
Well. We're supposed to meet the President out here.

President Joe and Owen walk out of the casino's door.

PRESIDENT JOE
Hey guys. Um. Listen. I owe the casino $30 million.

VANESSA
How do you owe the casino $30 million?

PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Apparently, I don't know basic addition and subtraction--and if you want to
play blackjack professionally, it's good to know basic addition and subtraction.
So, yeah. I owe them 30 mil. But the Casino Owner said he'll waive my debt.

VANESSA
If...

PRESIDENT JOE
If Vince Vaughn crashes a wedding with him.

VINCE VAUGHN
Fuck off, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT JOE
Just crash one wedding. In, out, done.

Sandra walks out the door and towards the group.

VINCE VAUGHN
(to President Joe)
If this guy's gonna pay 30 mil for me to crash a wedding, he's probably a lunatic
who also wants me to swim in pancake batter.

OWEN
Believe me--he doesn't want to do that.

PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. We know, because I offered him the pancake batter scenario for 20 million.

NATHANIEL
That sounds like a reasonable price.

SANDRA
Um. What did I miss?

PRESIDENT JOE
(to Vince Vaughn)
Dude--just crash a wedding. No big deal. Listen, Vinny. You're so money, and you
don't even know it.

VINCE VAUGHN
Stop quoting my movie lines.

OWEN
Listen. This whole wedding crashing thing is not as crazy as it seems. You know.
The casino's owner is just a really big fan of you and he wants to crash a wedding.
You might even have fun doing it.

VINCE VAUGHN
Well. Where is this wedding, anyways? Caesar's Palace?

PRESIDENT JOE
Close. It's in Estonia.

INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY

The entire gang on board.

PRESIDENT JOE
Estonia, baby. Estonia.

VINCE VAUGHN
You better shut your mouth, Mr. President.

Sandra is looking at her iPhone.

SANDRA
(to Vince Vaughn)
By the way--the video of your shrimp incident is on TMZ.

VINCE VAUGHN
Good. The public needs to learn not to scoop so much shrimp.

Vanessa is on her phone. She puts it away.

VANESSA
Okay. I located a disguise store in Estonia.

TONY
We have a disguise store in our country?

VANESSA
Yeah. It's called The Disguise Store.

TONY
Oh. Right. The Disguise Store. There are 1,022 locations throughout Estonia. We
love disguises in Estonia. We also love halibut.

VANESSA
Okay. So, um, we're gonna get some disguises, so we can crash the wedding
undetected.

NATHANIEL
Can we also drop by an Estonian dry cleaners? I got a mustard stain on my socks.

add content

INT. ESTONIAN BALLROOM - DAY

A wedding ceremony is taking place, with about 200 GUESTS a MINISTER, a BRIDE, and
a GROOM. Vince Vaughn in disguise with a mustache and a bandana, and he's sitting
next to Gay.

MINISTER
(to the Groom)
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride--right after you shear the
wedding sheep.

The Groom begins sheering a sheep.

INT. ESTONIAN BALLROOM - DAY

[Later]

The Guests are eating and chatting.

Vince Vaughn spots WILL FERRELL and walks up to him.

VINCE VAUGHN
Will Ferrell? What the hell are you doing here?

WILL FERRELL
I get invited to most Estonian weddings. Sometimes I even help the groom shear the
wedding sheep.

VINCE VAUGHN
That reminds me of the time I shaved your chest for $20 million.

WILL FERRELL
Um. Do I know you?

VINCE VAUGHN
I'm Vince Vaughn. In disguise.

Jerry is now standing near them, dressed like LeBron James in uniform.

HENRY WINKLER
And I'm Jerry Smith. Disguised as LeBron James.

President Joe is standing nearby, wearing a sombrero. Will Ferrell notices him.

WILL FERRELL
Whoa, man! That is a sweet sombrero! Let's all do some shots!

Will Ferrell picks up a bottle of whiskey and chug it in five seconds.

WILL FERRELL
Man! I'm wasted! Are you guys hungry?

PRESIDENT JOE
Ma--the meatloaf!

WILL FERRELL
I love it when people quote my movie lines to me! And let me just quote the late,
great Colonel Sanders, who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

PRESIDENT JOE
Holy crap, bro! You just quoted yourself in Talladega Nights, quoting Colonel
Sanders! That was so money.

Vince Vaughn is at the buffet. An ESTONIAN MAN is standing next to him, scooping
some exotic food item onto his plate.

VINCE VAUGHN
You want to ease up on whatever the hell those are?

ESTONIAN MAN
These are chikhmakaljios.

VINCE VAUGHN
Yeah. Well. You don't need to scoop so many chikhmakaljios on your plate, buddy.
They're just chikhmakaljios. You don't have to eat 300 of them a day to avoid
getting scurvy.

ESTONIAN MAN
I only have 20 on my plate.

VINCE VAUGHN
Well where I'm from, that's an excessive amount of chikhmakaljios.

ESTONIAN MAN
You didn't even know what chikhmakaljios were until I told you 20 seconds ago.

Vince Vaughn turns to the MAN standing on his other side.

VINCE VAUGHN
Excuse me. Let me ask you a question. Would you say that this guy has an excessive
amount of chikhmakaljios on his plate?

ESTONIAN MAN 2
Yes.
VINCE VAUGHN
(to Estonian Man 1)
Did you hear that?

ESTONIAN MAN
Yes. Now why don't you kiss my Estonian ass?!

Vince Vaughn attacks him.

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

Gay, President Joe, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Tony, Jerry, Owen, Vanessa, and
Sandra are standing outside of a hotel.

GAY
(to President Joe)
Vince Vaughn got kicked out of the wedding. The deal is off. You still owe me $30
million.

WILL FERRELL
Well if anyone wants to sleep with me, my rate is 220 million.

GAY
Well. You know what? That gives me an idea. There's something you and President Joe
can do for me--and I'll give you 30 mil each.

WILL FERRELL
Okay. I'll get the pancake batter.

GAY
My plan doesn't involve pancake batter.

WILL FERRELL
That's weird.

INT. CONGRESS - DAY

President Joe is delivering his State of the Union address.

PRESIDENT JOE
Okay, everyone. Here's the state of the union. The union has a lot of schools, and
roads, and water fountains, so, like, you can drink water, if you're thirsty.

Will Ferrell and Guy walk onto the stage naked.

GUY
We're going streaking!

They run through Congress.

WILL FERRELL
Come on! Come on! Whoo! We're streaking!

President Joe takes off his clothes.

PRESIDENT JOE
(continues to give his speech)
Furthermore, um, the economy is, like, really good.

THE END

____