BLITZ

November 22, 2010 Recently I was accused of being "The Blitz" - a cursed creature doomed to leave a gathering right before things get awesome. Of course since the second I leave a gathering, so does awesome, it's impossible for me to ever be The Blitz, Ted. The whole traumatic ordeal got me thinking about famous Blitzes throughout history. Here are some of my all-time favorite Blitzes... Uffgo 8000 B.C. 1492 Skips out on buddy's twig-rubbing experiment to hit himself in the head with rocks. Original captain of the Santa Maria. Rather than voyage across the Atlantic, turns the keys over to his first mate Christopher Columbus and jumps ship in Spain so he can fabric shop. Turned down President Jefferson's request to lead an expedition through the untamed West because they didn't want to miss their fantasy "hoop rolling" draft. Shot down his best friend Johnny Appleseed's idea of a road trip to plant their respective fruits on account of wagon sickness. Bailed on brothers Wilbur and Orville's first flight to get a head start on the day's potato peeling. Passed on helping his buddies plant the flag on Iwo Jima to "squeeze in a little nappy nap." Hugh Hefner invites him over to spitball magazine ideas but he's busy affixing streamers to his bicycle's handlebars. Bored with the news coverage, Gary changes channels to watch Hollywood Squares and misses his cousin landing on the moon. Turns down neighbor Eddie Van Halen's offer to play bass for his fledgling band in order to "get his pong on" at the Laundromat. "Calls it early" and misses all kinds of great stuff like a skateboarding dog, Tom Petty, and generally being awesome. Classic Mosby.

Alexander Eder Dan and Rick Lloyd Peachpit

1800

1815

Otis Wright 1903 Private Turner 1945

Tim Butler 1953 Gary 1969 Armstrong Carl MacLaren 1974

Ted Mosby 2010

NO PORN? NO PROB!
November 15, 2010 It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia - the inadequate consumption of porn. The causes can be manifold: Can't afford spicier cable channels Workday disrupting internal porn clock Marriage Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable. All around you are literally thousands of low-cost, publicly acceptable porn-portunities... you just have to know where to look. YOUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL The only member of the news team who gets a full body shot. As she sashays across your screen spouting stories of rising temperatures and storm surges, you sit wide-eyed and slack-hawed amid a high-pressure front of your own. COOKING SHOWS Watching a foxy lady-chef take those slow, smooth, sensual bites is enough to make any man accidentally slice off his thumb. BIRTHDAY PARTY "BOUNCE HOUSE" While technically you're renting the inflatable trampoline for little Dylan and his friends, you're not gonna be the one to stop Jimmy's mom in her too-tight t-shirt from taking a little bounce... or two. CLASSICAL SCULPTURY Our ancestors' Hustler. As girls shroud themselves in wintry layers why not pay a visit to a place where the ladies are willing to take it all off? I'm talking - of course - about the museum.

Shuffling from standing nude to reclining odalisque is a fantastic way to enjoy your porn whilst being perceived as the cultured specimen you most certainly are not. THE NIGHT SKY Sure there's the classics: The Big Dipper, Orion's Belt and Ursa Major. But play a little game of connect the dots and you'll find a surplus of interstellar boobies shining down on you every night. Camping by yourself just got awesome... not to mention easier, pitching-a-tent-wise.

BARNEY STINSON: A LIFE OF AWESOME

November 08, 2010 What if you could travel back in time to witness the birth of awesomeness? This winter, you can, when The National Stinsonian Institution presents its newest and grandest traveling exhibition, "Barney Stinson: A Life of Awesome." Trace the roots of awesome, beginning with Barney's very first soiled diaper and ending with a mini-fridge full of frozen sperm. Highlights of the collection will include: Necktie (circa 1984, courtesy Barney Stinson) Barney's first tie, a deep burgundy Versace pure twill silk featuring the signature Medusa head print in a subtle tone-on-tone pattern, was first worn to his aunt's wedding in the parking lot of Steiny's Pub in Staten Island. A pea-sized YooHoo stain would eventually lead to the tie's removal from rotation. Napkin (circa 6th grade, courtesy Barney Stinson) A crumpled, pizza-stained napkin from Chuck E. Cheese's that contains Barney's very first attempt at a pick-up line. While the entirety of the line has been lost to time, still visible are the first two words scribbled in barely legible purple crayon: "Nice jellies" Barney's first kiss is rumored to have happened four minutes later in the arcade behind Tehkan World Cup so, yeah it worked. Film Script (circa 1988, courtesy Loretta Stinson) This shooting draft of "The Karate Kid" was autographed by director John G. Avildsen and star William Zabka and comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Loretta Stinson, the Postmaster General and sadly once again, William Zabka. Condom Wrapper (mid to late 1990's, on loan from Rhonda French) This cyan-colored plastic wrapper was part of Trojan's Magnum XL line of condoms. In various interviews Barney has described it as "a bit snug." Because his penis is enormous.

Phaser Pack (circa 2005, gift of Barney Stinson) Laser tag vest worn by Barney during the Atlantic Region Sectional Finals when he became the first invisibility match champion over the age of 20. Exhibition Specifications Tour Locations: Winter 2010 (Europe), Spring 2011 (Panama City Beach, South Padre Island, Lake Havasu City) Footprint: 14,000 square feet Security: Crazy Tight Contents: 83 framed color and black-and-white photographs, 69 hours of bedroom security camera footage, miscellaneous artifacts to awesomeness Recommended ticket price: $15, or $5 with donation of shirt (ladies only)

CALLING ALL HOTTIES

November 01, 2010 Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner... Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?* The good news is you don't actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just about anything: a community theater production of "Spaceballs," a commercial for your Ebay business specializing in Darryl Strawberry collectible figurines, your awkward family photo... Q: Do I have to make whatever I held auditions for? A: Of course not! If someone asks what happened to the epic shot-for-shot remake of "Ben Hur" that they had to audition for in a wet T-shirt you can just deploy the old Hollywood standby: "The funding fell through." That's the beauty of lying. To get going you'll need to get the word out with something called a "casting notice." Here's the one I used recently for my company's corporate video.

Casting Notice for "GNB Cares" Major industrial production directed by Barney Stinson, acclaimed avant-garde auteur of the living theater experiment, "The Stinsons." Role: Pamela. Goliath National Bank employee. Probably some sort of secretary or whatever it is ladies do in an office. Seeking: Hotties 18-29. (Please bring three forms of documentation to verify age. Seriously, if you're over thirty, I will find out.) Wardrobe has already been selected for this role so actress will need measurements of 34-24-25. (Will accept up to 36 in the bust.) Skills: Being hot, quick change artist, Thai massage, not allergic to rubber Please send one head shot, one full length shot (preferably in swimsuit or lingerie), and a shot of you reaching for something. Actually, forget about the head shot. Audition Sides: INT. GNB OFFICE - DAY Pamela enters the office. Her boss, Mr. Stinson, works feverishly at his desk. PAMELA Gee, Mr. Stinson, you sure do look tense. MR. STINSON It's just these gosh-darn contracts. Pamela walks over to Mr. Stinson and starts massaging his shoulders. PAMELA

Here, let me help loosen you up. MR. STINSON That's great. Can I return the favor? Pamela turns to camera. PAMELA GNB cares about each other. FADE TO BLACK.

* Other than "awesome blogger" of course

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
October 25, 2010 Recently I came close to admitting defeat on a challenge issued by one of my nay-saying friends. Fortunately I was able to rally in the final hour and snare a lady while talking like a little boy, thereby avoiding my first ever failure. This brush with dishonor got me thinking about my running list of challenges I plan to complete in my lifetime. Here it is:

Pick up a chick whilst talking like a little boy Lick the Liberty Bell Tame a cougar Overalls = Sex Strike out a Major League batter

14-way Pulitzer / Nobel Own an island Dunk Miss America Wear the Crown Jewels High-five the moon Drive the pope-mobile Debunk gravity 24 chicks, 24 time-zones "Pay only in pennies day" Walk to Connecticut Ride a baby giraffe Conduct a symphony in Lincoln Center Seduce a woman with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back Achieve Nirvana in less than an hour Suction-cup to the top of the Empire State Building Urinate in all seven seas

Fist-bump a king Go "business casual" for half a day Now if I can only find someone to challenge me on these...

A BRO-WORKING RELATIONSHIP
October 18, 2010 There are few greater joys in life than earning a living side by side with a bro-worker. Just ask Han Solo and Chewbacca: flying around the galaxy on the occasional smuggling run and trolling bars for multi-boobed space chicks the rest of the time? That's the dream. Unfortunately, it seems most terrestrial companies frown upon bro-workers in the workplace since studies have shown that awesomeness hinders productivity. Thanks, studies! To protect your special bro-worker relationship you're going to need to tone down the bro. Here are a few simple survival strategies: CLUBHOUSE Bros need a place to hang out, away from the prying eyes of the boss. Here's a step by step guide to the perfect bro-quarters: Fire a mid-level executive. They serve no purpose and their offices tend to have decent square footage. Keep the mid-level executive's assistant on the payroll. He/she (but shoot for a "she") can serve as gatekeeper to the bro-quarters while performing other vital functions such as ensuring that all video game controllers are fully-charged. Replace the office furniture with the essentials: pool table, big screen TV, super sweet Murphy bed that chicks pretend is tacky but secretly they dig it, etc. Come up with a "secret knock." * NOTE: Not to be confused with the existing secret knock you tell the hot secretary on the 2nd floor to use, or your other "secret knock" - the hot secretary on the 5th floor. Hey-yo! Exit strategy. If your boss discovers your bro-quarters simply pin it on the mid-level executive you fired. In fact, this is exactly the sort of juvenile chicanery that forced you to fire him in the first place.

DRINKING When bros hang, alcohol is involved 83% of the time. That's just science. And you can't let employment get in the way of science. Avoid the lunchtime liquor pound. Too many margaritas at Senor Guapo's equals puking on your boss's shoes. Implement the slow burn. Start the day with a breakfast toast then meet up on the roof throughout the day for "coffee" breaks. A good rule of thumb is one drink for every businessrelated email you send throughout the day, or roughly one drink every 2-3 hours. Purchase or construct a hide-a-bar. Make sure it blends in with your office. While old standbys like filing cabinets and oversized globes have stood the test of time, don't be afraid to get creative. I once worked with a guy who converted his radiator into a fully-operational ten bottle booze dispenser. He could whip up a Long Island Iced Tea without taking his feet off the desk. Tragically, he died in an office fire. SPORTS Bros. Sports. Enough said. Utilize office paraphernalia to create new games. Office chairs have wheels for a reason. Know your boss's schedule. He steps out for lunch, you and your bro launch into a game of hallway hockey. Abuse the company's season tickets. Between you, your bro-worker, Herm Smendelton, Lawrence Toothington, Frances Dollarsby, and a whole host of other made-up clients and colleagues, you should be able to lock-up those courtside tickets for all the good games if not the entire season. Oh, and you'll need to put-in for a bigger expense account because you've heard Bob Bamboo is quite the drinker.

BOOBONYMS
October 11, 2010 Dear Bloglodytes, It's come to my attention that there's an alarming nickname shortage for those wondrous spheres affixed to the female thoracic cavity. I'm referring, of course, to boobies.

You're familiar with the classics: knockers, ta-ta's, fun bags, sweater cows. But what about their lesser-known cousins: Honka sacks? Blouse blobs? Milk bulbs? Every bro should possess an arsenal of unique boob synonyms, or "boobonyms." Why? First, they're fun to say... suckle huts! Second, and more important, a dude must be able to safely and inconspicuously direct his bro's attention to an amazing set of swollen flesh papayas should they come bouncing by. Example: "Bro! Check out the brontosaurus eggs at your 5 o'clock!" Below are 25 of my all-time favorite boobonyms. Feel free to think up your own but be sure to share them with the greater shirt roosters appreciation community. Knockers Ta-Ta's Fun Bags Sweater Cows Gazungas Floppers Bikini Bombs Brontosaurus Eggs Chest Balloons Speed Bags Twin Peaks Honka Sacks Velvet Cushions Suckle Huts Silicone Sisters Dairy Maids Blouse Blobs Strawberry Sundaes Travel Pillows Mike & Molly Swollen Flesh Papayas Milk Bulbs Lady Turnips Skin Spinnakers Shirt Roosters

The Playbook!
October 4, 2010 My third book, "The Playbook", hits the shelves tomorrow - October 5. Go get one... hundred!

Now before you inundate the comments section with glowing praise and textual "high fives!" for what many are calling the greatest piece of literature of all time, you need to fully understand the power you can wield when giving a compliment. While it's perfectly acceptable to compliment someone on an impressive achievement (eg. "Nice rack!"), did you know that a compliment can also be used as a tool to get what you want? (eg. "laid.") The backhanded compliment is truly an art form - the best will lower the intended target's self esteem thus making them more susceptible to the power of suggestion. Here is a list of some of my favorites that are sure to get the job done as well as keep people in check. At the Bar: You have an amazing body. It's great to see a woman who's not at all concerned with the fitness craze. At the Office: The report you handed in was great. For once I didn't have to change the entire thing.

At Her House: I love what you've done with the place. Modern and clean is so yesterday. At a Wedding: Don't worry. No one is supposed to look good in a bridesmaid dress. At a Funeral: Black is very slimming on you. In the Bedroom: It's okay. Not everyone knows how to please me. It's the effort that counts. At the Gym: Nice to meet you. Say... your palms aren't nearly as sweaty as your forehead. At the Mall: I really like those jeans. My grandmother had a pair just like them, but she only wore them when milking. At the Dinner Table: Your breath reminds me of all those innocent summer days I spent working on my uncle's fishing boat. At the Library: I've always said, "Nerds are the most interesting people I know," and you look fascinating. RIDDLE ANSWERS (sun dress; tank top; bikini, cut-offs, mini-skirt; strip)

From the files of Lil Barney

September 27, 2010 Im not one to boast, but from the moment I rocketed from the womb, air guitaring AC/DC, I was in the top .01% of awesomeness on the planet (sharing that space with David Lee Roth, Nelson Mandela, and boobs). But I prefer to show, not tell. Heres an article from the Yourson, North Dakota Bugle featuring a young yours truly. This document is on loan from the Stinsonian Institute in Washington D.C.

SUMMER BREEZE...UP THE SUMMER SKIRT

September 21, 2010 Tomorrow marks the last day of summer. It also marks the last day of something far more important - skimpy, revealing chick attire. For at least the next six months ladies across the northern hemisphere will conceal their goldentanned walking sticks behind formless cotton curtains and shelter their wondrous curves under

vast garments of billowy wool. Why? To flummox dudes, of course. And, to a lesser extent, prevent hypothermia. To commemorate the annual disappearance of tight, short, jaw-dropping clothing, I have devised the following fun page. Print it out, solve each riddle, and then use the boxed letters to unscramble the answer to the MEGA RIDDLE. What flowing cotton frock sends a dudes minute hand straight to 12 oclock? ___ ___ ___ ___ [___] ___ ___ ___

What strappy upper favors the double D-cupper? ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ [___]

What two piece swimmer makes the testes simmer? ___ ___ ___ [___] ___ ___ Worn too tight what pelvic shield of denim can lead to premature male venom? ___ ___ ___ - ___ ___ ___ [___] What tiny number cut above the knees would stop a mans heart if she ever dropped her keys? ___ ___ ___ ___ - ___ ___ ___ ___ [___] MEGA RIDDLE Autumn nears and chicks bundle up to hide their boobs from bros, so in our heads is where we go to ___________ their frumpy clothes. [___] [___] [___] [___] [___] Answers next week!

45
May 24, 2010 Weve talked a lot in this space about relationships, marriage, and other decisions that can destroy your life and the lives of those around you. One of the most tragic of these career-ending injuries is the decision to have children. To combat that there is one abiding rule: NO KIDS UNTIL YOURE AT LEAST 45. Heres why. Studies have shown that human hearing starts to fade the instant you turn 45 so children wont be as obnoxiously loud.

 After you turn 45 your game will naturally start to fade. Having a kid at that point gives you a prop that will help pick up chicks. According to the approved younger chick formula (your age / 2 + 7), when you turn 45 you can no longer hook up with a chick in her 20s. Since the dream is over you might as well crank out a munchkin. Having a kid before you turn 45 means devoting much of your precious time to caring for and/or paying for it. After 45 what are you really doing with your time other than wishing you were younger? The longer you wait to have a kid the more likely youll be changing your babys diapers at the same time you have to change your own. While that may not sound ideal it will drastically reduce the amount of time you spend in your life dealing with poop. BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN AND SO CAN YOU Recently my best friend Ted gave me one of the greatest gifts ever: he died his hair blonde. I took the opportunity to load up on some call-outs Call-Outs for Blonde Ted Hey Ted, is it a nice day for a White Wedding? Oh come one, just give me one rebel yell. Ooh, did I accidentally catch you dancing with yourself? I didnt recognize you without your overalls and slingshot, Dennis. If anyone's looking for the real Slim Shady, he's right here. Did it suck when your parents left you "Home Alone?" Do you ever regret leaving The Police to start your solo career?

Working with Sylvester Stallone must have been intense, Brigitte Nielsen OR Dolph Lundgren from Rocky 4. Is it true that gentlemen prefer you? You look a little down did you just say goodbye to the yellow brick road? Little cold to be out without your kerchief, Fred from Scooby Doo. This morning was your porridge too hot, too cold, or just right? Talk about trying to fill Sean Connery or Roger Moores shoes as the new James Bond. You look a lot taller in person, Dame Judi Dench. What have you been up to since Silver Spoons?

Movie Review: The Wedding Bride (2010)

May 17, 2010

When At First You Dont Succeed By BARNEY STINSON When we first meet Jed Mosely, the vile antagonist in The Wedding Bride, hes in his dimly lit office holding a peppermint latte and berating a nearby assistant. He rips a huge fart and then spills the latte all over his lap. Its hilarious. But its also heartbreaking. Because it is this force the force of Jeds fart that we know our protagonist will be up against. Tony Grafanellos brilliant debut drama is a brutally honest portrayal of one mans journey to win back the woman he loves. That man, Tony (played by a pitch-perfect Jason Lewis) must battle the odds and his own regret, in an attempt to stop Stella (an emotive and bosomy Malin Akerman) from marrying lothario architect Jed (Chris Kattan in his finest hour). As most love stories are, The Wedding Bride is simple. Yet a subterranean complexity exists, derived not from any convenient plot devices but from the intricate characters borne out of Mr. Grafanellos pen. He is a master craftsman: delicate and compassionate, a keen observer of the human condition. For example, in the 84-minute strip club scene, we watch Ted take a dollar bill from his wallet not once, not twice, but fifty-six times. And in each of these fifty-six little

moments, we feel the pain of the dancers, the hurt of the bartenders, and the longing of the disc jockey. The entire cast is solid, but it is Mr. Kattan who steals the show. He turns in what is sure to be an Oscar-nominated performance as the biggest douchebag cinema has ever known. At a breezy 200 minutes, The Wedding Bride is not to be missed. It rips out your heart and punches you directly in the balls with it. Let me make you my wedding bride, Tony begs Stella near the end of the film, tears streaming down his face. And in the end, you want her to say yes. The Wedding Bride is rated R for adult language, frank depictions of emotional and physical violence, and extremely long sequences of full-frontal male nudity. Opens on Friday in New York, Los Angeles and Corpus Christi Starring Chris Kattan, Jason Lewis, Malin Akerman, and Matt Blitz. Written and Directed by Tony Grafanello.

Kiddie Rules
May 10, 2010 Children. Theyre like little fender benders that dont go away and poop a lot. Luckily for me Im a safe driver and wear about thirty seat belts if you catch my drift. Unfortunately not everyone drives safely. In fact, I recently discovered that some people (Marshall and Lily) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes of having an accident. Now I understand I cant stop the world from procreating. Its not like Uncle Barney is delusional. But we can at least be civilized about it. If you have friends that have decided to crank out a kid and ruin their lives and those of everyone in their immediate vicinity I encourage you to generate a list of guidelines for them to follow. Heres a sampling of the eighty-three simple to follow guidelines I presented to Marshall and Lily: 1. You promise to always love me more than the baby. 2. Once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks. 3. That may involve the baby falling from a two story window and me heroically catching it. 4. No breastfeeding in front of me.

5. Forget about 4, its cool. 10. Its middle name must be Barney. 14. Lily has to lose the baby weight by bikini season. 17. If Im hungry you have to feed me first. 25. Never ask me to babysit. 25a. All babysitters you use must be female, hot, and of age. 32. As tempting as it might be, youre forbidden from using a 19th century presidents last name as the babys first name. 34. You cannot use it as an excuse to not do something cool with me. 38. You can only talk about the baby 3% of time. 39. For every picture you show me of the baby I get to show you a picture of me having sex. 42. When its of age, I get to have the sex talk with it. 45. The baby must wear a suit once a week. 46. The baby must call me dad. 50. I get to take it trick or treating if I want. 50a. While trick or treating, the baby must dress as a lil version of what Im dressed as. 55. Its first word must be, Barney. 59. It has to like me more than Ted.

62. Me, Ted, and Marshall get to re-enact the movie, Three Men and a Baby for a weekend. 65. You must introduce me to hot single moms. 66. If it ever has a hot teacher, I get to bring it to parent teacher conferences. 69. Sixty nine. Always funny. 72. I get to bring it to look at colleges. 76. If it throws up on me, you owe me $1,000. 83. and if all 5 circumstances involving the baby and the strip club should come to pass, I take no responsibility for any of it, because it is your fault for having the baby in the first place.

Shedding a Tear
April 19, 2010 A dear bro of mine recently attended the wedding of his best friends mother and the unthinkable happened: he cried. As you already know, there are a few occasions where a bro is permitted to shed a tear, like when your favorite suit goes out of style, or during the final scene of Field of Dreams, or the entire week leading up to Bob Barkers retirement. Normally, Id consider openweeping a mockable and unforgivable offense. However, knowing the total awesomeness of this particular bro, Id like to take a moment and examine the source of the sorrow: the grooms selfpenned song to his bride.

What History Says

April 12, 2010

My best friend Ted and I recently had a disagreement. He thinks when you tell a story you should stick to the facts no matter how boring or lame they are. But thats stupid. And you know who agrees with me? History. History is full of awesome stories that obviously arent true. Alexander the Great 320 B.C. What History Says: By the time he was 29 he had conquered much of the civilized world, uniting the lands of Greece, Persia and Egypt. Truth: Have you ever heard of anyone in their twenties who does anything other than test the upper limits of his alcohol tolerance and work on growing new and exciting facial hair configurations? Exactly. Alexander, or A-Train, as his friends called him, was no different. Truth is, the only conquering he ever did was beating his friend Darius once at beer pong. It was an impressive showing, however. A-Train came back from a five cup deficit, then won in a gripping back-and-forth overtime. Darius died that night from alcohol poisoning. Boston Tea Party December 16, 1773 What History says: A bunch of colonists were upset over the Tea Act passed by the British Government, so they protested by throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbor, thus helping to spark the American Revolution. Truth: The Boston Tea Party was, in fact, an actual tea party, complete with tiny cups, lace doilies and sugar cubes. The colonists talked about how upset they were, then cried. Oprah was there. Frankly, it was a low point for our founding bros. Gettysburg Address November 19, 1863 What History Says: School children are captivated by the story of Noble Abe penning his great speech on the back of an envelope on his way to Gettysburg. Truth: Old Abe totally forgot he was supposed to give a speech that day. Hed been up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons and drinking Fanta with his buddy, Ulysses. Boy was he wrecked. He just got up there and started stringing words together. Four score isnt even a number its a solid weekend. What up. Titanic April 10, 1912 What History Says: The Titanic, the largest passenger ship of its time, embarked on its maiden and a mere four days later, the supposedly unsinkable ship hit an iceberg and sank.

Truth: Really!? Downed by an ice cube!? I dont think so. Actually, around day three of the voyage they came across an island of beautiful women. The men decided to put the women and children in life boats and then sailed back to the island to live out their days in coital bliss. But the truth doesnt get you a large insurance settlement. Moon Landing July 20, 1969 What History Says: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin climbed out of their space capsule, into an atmosphere with no oxygen and minimal gravity, and planted the American flag on the surface of the moon. Truth: Uh, its the freakin moon. Its super far away. Obviously, no one can get there. It takes like a year just to get to Jersey. Neil and Buzz probably spent the afternoon by the pool, drinking martinis and sexually harassing chicks because it was the 60s and thats what astronauts did. Honestly, that sounds just as, if not more, awesome.

How To Take Perfect Pictures

March 22, 2010 Loyal subjects, To make up for the crushing, yet inevitable loss of your beloved alma mater from the NCAA tournament (just be thankful you got to play, East Tennessee State), I thought Id give you a gift in this weeks blog. Behold the Perfect Picture. In todays technologically-driven society, 83 percent of all layage is a direct result of the pictures you post on your social networking page. Okay, so how do I take the Perfect Picture, you ask? Easy. Look at any picture of me.

But Barney, youre saying, I dont look like you. True, but maybe thats because Im not wearing a backwards trucker hat or standing shirtless next to a pimped-out Civic. You need help. Here it is. How To Take Perfect Pictures Step 1: Put on a suit. Just kidding. Youre already wearing one. Right? RIGHT?! Step 2: Stand in front of a full-length mirror and practice your perfect pose. Things to focus on: angling your body in relation to the lens so you appear strong and sexual (think Barack Obama). Also, youll want to broaden your shoulders to appear extra manly (think Hillary Clinton). Step 3: When youre at a venue where cameras are common (parties, birthdays, a camera store), listen for clicks, beeps and servos, as these are the sounds of digital cameras snapping away. Try to ignore the camera bearer and her friends amazing stories about how smart their cats are and put yourself in prime position for a picture behind them. Step 4: Watch for premature flashing (aloha!), as most cameras flash twice. After the first, you have between one and three seconds to transition into your perfect pose. Dont dawdle.

Step 5: Review your photo. It should be perfect. If not, a few hours of Photoshop can fix anything (exception: Meg Ryan). Now, post your photo and get ready to post.

BARNEYS BOOK REPORT

March 8, 2010 Recently my best friend Ted pulled from his impressive library of chick lit a book for me to read: Of Course Youre Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut. Since Im willing to try anything once - particularly when a slut is involved I decided to read it and provide my blog readers with a fair and objective review. Of Course Youre Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut Anita Appleby A book report by Barney Stinson

This is a stupid book. There are too many pages, too much science, and despite the promising title, not nearly enough dumb sluts. The basic thrust (heh) is that chicks should withhold sex from dudes in order to force them into a long-term relationship. Huh?! In the pantheon of all-time terrible ideas that ranks slightly above of Bet I can outrun that bear and slightly below bring-your-neighbors-daughter-to-work

day. I mean, if a chick really wants to fool a guy into a long-term relationship there are only three surefire strategies: 1) Become fabulously wealthy think helipad 2) Develop a drug that freezes your body as it was at age 22 while at the same time morphs your face into a different swimsuit models face every two-to-three days 3) 1 and 2 Perhaps the only palatable part is on the last page in the about the author section. As it turns out, Anita Appleby is smokin. In fact, shes so hot I wonder if shes part Amish. Thats how good she is at raising wood. You might enjoy this book if Your friends are looking for a new way to relentlessly mock you You find comfort and inspiration in re-examining your dating life through the lens of neofeminism Youre in the market for a doorstop so you can see the TV from the toilet You might NOT enjoy this book if You possess a pair of fully functioning testicles Youve got better things to do with 3 to 4 hours of your time than pray you dont start bleeding out your eyeballs The chick youve been trying to bang wrote the freakin thing

A History of Hotness
March 1, 2010 Chapter 17: Pharma Girls The following is an excerpt from my informative and well-received textbook tentatively titled A History of Hotness.

Super Bowl
February 8, 2010

If you saw the Super Bowl, you know I had the most awesome idea since free test tube shots at Spring Break. Also, I havent had a lot of time to update the blog, so heres a haiku: To My Cell Phone At my side always Your ring, a hottie signals Best wingman ever.

Roosevelt Peter Mustache Pete Drexel

February 1, 2010 Roosevelt Peter Mustache Pete Drexel (pronounced Muss-tash Peet Drex-ull August 9th, 1873 September 20th, 1910) was an American major league baseball player who played in the National League for nine seasons. Drexel led the league in strikeouts his rookie year, and threw a perfect game on the last day of the season in 1896. EARLY LIFE Drexel was born in the tiny farm town of Skokie, Illinois. The youngest of eleven children, Drexel was a rapscallion with a nose for trouble that followed him around throughout his life. And that nose was broken quite a few times because of that trouble. While deer hunting one day with three of his brothers on their property, Pete saw a four-point buck, took aim and fired his rifle. The backfire knocked the young Drexel down, where he landed face first into a pile of mud. When he got back up from the ground, the mud was caked all over his top lip, forming what gave the appearance of a thick black mustache. His brothers dubbed him Mustache Pete and the name stuck with him for the rest of his life. PROFESSIONAL CAREER Two of Drexels brothers played on the Skokie Sentinels, a semi-pro team made up mostly of farmers, bricklayers and self professed man-whores. Mustache Pete Drexel, thought too young to take the field, spent the games selling bathtub gin to fans in the stands. One particular game, after a foul ball came his way, he threw it back to the pitcher and nearly knocked his glove off. The team was so impressed they offered Mustache Pete a contract that very day. Pete was hesitant to sign until several attractive females in the stands referred to him as resembling a

more handsome Abraham Lincoln. Pete quickly became the teams number one pitcher and won the hearts of fans and the local Skokie girls alike.

Two years into his Skokie Sentinel days, a scout for the Chicago Cubs, impressed by Mustache Petes play, as well as his thick, luxurious mustache, offered him a contract with the big league club. Pete signed the deal, and put a provision in the contract that he be paid half in cash and half in snuff. During his time with the Cubs, Mustache Pete was a fan favorite as a fun-loving, womanizing flame throwing right-hander. It is believed that Drexel coined the term mustache ride during one of his many encounters with the friendly ladies of Chicago. THE LABRADOR INCIDENT

On September 27th, 1903, Mustache Pete Drexel was pitching the first game of a doubleheader against the Cincinnati Red Stockings. While in mid windup, a Labrador retriever (belonging to the head groundskeeper) ran onto the mound and attacked Drexel. Apparently mustaches reminded the dog of its original abusive owner and thus showed no mercy on Drexel, attacking his face, arms, and legs until the home plate umpire was able to distract the dog by grabbing a bratwurst from a fan and throwing it into shallow left field, thus coining the term hot dog. There is some controversy to how the Labrador managed to reach the field. At the time, rumors abounded that the mad beast had been purposely set on Drexel by none other than Marcus Diller, Drexels rival both on the mound and in the bedroom. No formal accusations were ever made, though with Dillers close ties to the Chicago underworld, this was hardly surprising. What is known, is that for the rest of his life, Muttonchops Marcus Diller, no matter how hard he tried, could never manage to grow a mustache. Unfortunately, Mustache Pete never fully recovered from the injuries sustained and was forced to retire from professional baseball soon after. LIFE AFTER BASEBALL After his dog-attack injuries forced him from the game, Drexel settled down on a tiny farm on the outskirts of his hometown in Illinois. There he married Shirley Johnson, a widower and heiress to the Johnson Magnet fortune, and they had no children. At the age of 37, he died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

Martin Luther King Day

January 18, 2010 Today is Martin Luther King Day; he was a pretty awesome bro. He taught us to have dreams and stuff. So I thought Id share with you mine: I Have A Dream I have a dream that one day all bros will rise up and live out the true meaning of their creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident - that all are boobs are created pretty good." I have a dream that one day black and white chicks will come together in my bed.

I have a dream that all peoples of this great nation will suit up together and that polyester will be abolished forever. I have a dream that one day, all tee-shirts will be wet and boob jobs will be free. I have a dream that there will be a television network that shows only Predator 24 hours a day. I have a dream that feels like Im falling and then I wake up before I hit the ground. It happens a lot. Should I see a doctor or something? I have a dream that babies dont cry on planes, that men dont wear Uggs, that second base replaces the handshake, that girls leave when youre done, that there are no waits for cabs, that I can look at a womans chest area without getting a dirty look. Yeah, you wore that blouse because you dont want me to look there. I have a dream.

Girls vs. Suits This Time Its Personal!

January 11, 2010 There are few things I love more than suits. There are few things I love more than boobs. But to pit boobs up against suits its almost unbearable. Its Sophies Choice, only instead of choosing between some stupid kids, the choices are things that actually matter. Far outweighing other classic battles such as Ali vs. Foreman, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, or Alien vs. Predator, the winner of the epic battle demanded a fitting coronation celebration. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the winner:

DRESS TO IMPRESS
December 7, 2009 If you dont use it, you lose it is an ancient biblical proverb that I strictly follow in my pursuit of being awesome. Its a scientific fact that your awesome muscles can atrophy if not properly tested on a consistent basis. This of course is why I recently accepted the challenge of trying to get laid while wearing a pair of overalls (Sex Difficulty Level - 8.2). However, please keep in mind that not everyones at my master level so here are a few easier ones to try to keep in shape and thus not lose it.

Leather Vest* Difficulty level 5.7 A vest should never be seen outside a perfectly tailored three piece suit. Ladies, with their heightened sense of fashion, instinctually know this. NOTE: the difficulty level drops to a 2.1 if worn in a biker bar and down to a 1.4 if worn at a rodeo. Fast Food Uniform* Difficulty level 6.9 / 4.8 (city/highway) By proudly declaring your minimum wage status you might think the ladies will refuse to show interest. However, in this case, its all about the demographic. Cougars looking to recapture the glow of their youth will find you irresistible, especially if said uniform is complete w/ a funny wedge cap. NOTE: Remember to shave as a baby face is the ticket to glory. Hawaiian Shirt* Difficulty level 2.4 Loud prints and a complete lack of tailoring may be repellant to you, but like the fast food uniform above, it will appeal to a certain demographic in this case girls with daddy issues. The shirt will remind them of the infrequent vacations with their families, the only time in their childhood where dad paid any attention to them at all at least before he was four umbrella drinks deep. Vampire* Difficulty level 1.0 If you need a confidence boost try this one. Simply apply some white face powder and a soulful yet wounded gaze. Mention that you have been alive for a hundred years and that the moment you saw her, you knew she was the one you had waited an eternity for. Refuse to eat or drink anything in her presence and rattle off some sob stories about how much it rains in your small Washington town. * Null and void if youre in a band. Rocker types can wear anything and get laid. Cheating? Yes. Awesome? Also yes.

THE SLAP STOPS HERE!

November 23, 2009 To Whom It May Concern: A few years ago, I, Barnabus Stinson, Esq., lost a slap bet. A man of my word, I graciously accepted my defeat with good cheer, humor, and most importantly, good looks. Unfortunately not everyone else involved in said bet has acted in such a gracious and professional manner, hence this letter of concern.

It has become increasingly evident that since the initiation of our slap bet in November of 2006, the judgment and impartiality of the Slap Bet Commissioner has become, to put it mildly, compromised. Submitted below are numerous examples of her incompetence: - BIAS; On at least one occasion the Commissioner has had improper sexual contact with the other Slap Bet participant, Mr. Marshall Eriksen. If youve ever seen Marshall, youll know what I mean by improper she could do much better. - UNFAMILIARITY WITH THE SLAPBOOK; Recently, the Commissioner declared that slaps were transferable, a clear violation of both the spirit of Slap Bet as well as section 44.3 of the Slapbook as reprinted here: 44.3 Slap Transference Are slaps transferable? Of course not. - JUDGMENT ERRATA; The Commissioner loves the band LFO. Bad judgment? Check. Subsequently: - PERSONAL ADDICTION; The Commissioner is addicted to shopping girl be shopping! Will she rule in someones favor in exchange for a new pair of flat heel brown leather boots with whipstitch detailing? Itd be best if we never have to answer that question. - PATRIOTIC ALLEGIANCE; There is no conclusive evidence one way or the other regarding the Commissioners affiliation with the Communist party. Is she a card-carrying member? I dont know, but she sure wears a lot of red. A lot. - IS A STUPID JERKFACE WHO DOESNT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO GET SLAPPED IN THE FACE; Yeah, what that guy said! It is with this evidence in mind that I petition to have the Slap Bet Commissioner, Lilith Eriksen (NEE Aldrin), removed from her Slapreme Office, effective immediately. Please email Barneystinson@yahoo.com to sign the petition. Humbly and handsomely yours, Barney Stinson

THE PLAYBOOK
November 16, 2009

Dearest blog readers, Recently I had cause to re-visit one of my most cherished literary works: The Playbook. Included in this weighty tome is every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem, and bamboozle Ive ever used or hope to use to pick up chicks and give them the business. While Im not yet ready to release The Playbook in its entirety I will reward your loyal patronage with one of my favorites: The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. -Barnabus Stinson THE LORENZO VON MATTERHORN Target type: Doe-eyed star lovers, Romantics, Smartphone-wielding business types Difficulty Level: Greenhorn Preparation Time: Three quarters of a football game Requirements: Basic knowledge of website design, A very unique fake name Props: n/a Costume: n/a The Play Think up a fake name. Have you got it? Good. Generate a series of websites devoted to the incredible life of your fake persona. While you should unbridle your creativity with your back story, as you write keep in mind that scientific studies of science have shown women find the following qualities most attractive: wealthy, powerful, animal lover-y. Also, it never hurts to suggest you have a giant penis. (See below:) bigbusinessjournal.com balloonexplorersclub.com With your fake websites uploaded to the World Wide Web, its time to hit your favorite local pick-up spot and select your target, preferably someone with a real nice phone. Approach her and

hover around until she makes eye contact with you. When she does, say, Yeah, its me, and following her sure-to-follow confusion, offer your fake name slowly and loudly. After she smugly says shes never heard of you act pleased and say its a refreshing change of pace to meet someone who isnt after your autograph, your picture, your vast wealth, or your vast junk. Now make a quick excuse and exit making sure to repeat your name again for her. As soon as you leave she will get out her phone, do an Internet search for your fake name, and grow wild with passion for your fake persona. Return a few minutes later and offer to buy her a cup of coffee And it is on.

Girls or Food
November 9, 2009 During a seventeen course meal the other night, I realized something: I talk a lot about women on my blog. And while thats great and my advice has led to innumerable amounts of lay-age, sometimes it leaves other things by the wayside. Like food. Ive been increasing my caloric intake ever so slightly as of late and youd be surprised how describing the life force of the world can be synonymous with describing the life force of my bedroom. Dont believe me? Take a look at the phrases below and try and figure out whether Im describing a girl or type of food. Good luck. 1. Tasty white breast 2. Large, meaty and can ruin your night 3. Swedish meatballs 4. The hottest thing ever 5. Just turned 18. 6. Asian fusion 7. Full of crabs 8. Ham and cheese sandwich on toasted rye bread Answer key: 1. Food: Chicken

2. Food: Steak Burrito 3. Girl: Swedish breasts 4. Trick question: Food/Girl: Buffalo wings / Heidi Klum eating buffalo wings 5. Food: Single Malt Scotch (yeah, I know its a drink) 6. Girl: Lucy Liu + Kelly Hu + the Barnacle. 7. Food: Any Red Lobster restaurant 8. Food: It says ham and cheese on toasted rye bread. Use your brains.

Barney Knows
November 2, 2009 Dear Mr. Stinson, Long time reader, first time writer. The old lady and I love to bang. Been doin it for decades. This hasnt been a problem before, but recently we moved to a new apartment and the persnickety fellow below us seems to resent the sweet sound of our love-making. Any advice for an old bro? Sincerely, Old and Still Doing It ---------Dear Old and Still Doing It, Part of being a good bro is not reminding the bros around you that they are currently not doin it (unless one of those bros consistently rubs it in your face, then in fact its okay to rub it right back in his stupid face, preferably with his girlfriend.) But anyway, because I care about my fellow bros, I have retrofitted my bedroom with studio-grade sound proofing. One could

theoretically of course have Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson screaming at the top of their lungs in my bedroom - or belting out one of their hits - and not hear a thing. But if youre not ready to make that sort of financial commitment, there are still a few things you can do to ensure you enjoy the evening without bringing other bros down: 1. HEADBOARD: Instinct may tell you to push the headboard flush against the wall, but a bro in the know pulls it a good foot away. This allows it to swing freely and also gives her a place to safely wrap her fingers without the danger of getting squished and prematurely ending an awesome night. 2. MATTRESS: Though no one likes to bang as much as we Americans, the Swedes are light years ahead of us in quiet mattress technology. Why? Because even though Swedish chicks are hot, they are also easily frightened by the loud noises that regular spring mattresses make. 3. UNDERWATER: This requires some sort of oxygen supply and a semi-large body of water but I promise no one will hear you. Note: An agreed upon set of hand signals can save a lot of embarrassment as you negotiate sexual positions. 4. THE GIFT BASKET: Before adjourning to the bedroom, present your downstairs neighbor with some nicely gift wrapped ear plugs and maybe a candy bar or some fruit or something. It the neighbor is a hot woman, invite her to join you save yourself $14.95 on ear plugs.

Canadian Citizenship
October 19, 2009 Picture this: Youre hitch-hiking in Winnipeg in July. Which means its freezing out, so you hop in without properly addressing the situation. About a half mile down the road, youre perturbed when you realize the driver is a crazy murderer and before you can say Stop what youre doing, eh! you are impaled on the blade of his hockey stick. That my friends, is a normal day in Canada.

Now why would anyone want to become a citizen of this backwards country? This is one of the great remaining mysteries of the world - right up there with Stonehenge, crop circles, and why all Brazilian women are 10s.

Well, I have a plan. If enough of us Uncle Sam lovin, red white and blue bleedin patriots take the Canadian citizenship test, we can vote to make it our fifty-first state and dissolve it once and for all. With that in mind, heres a cheat sheet to the Canadian citizenship test. The Official Canadian Citizenship Test for Canadian Citzenship 1) Do you want to be a Canadian? 2) Really? 3) Which is more fun? eh) Watching hockey b) Having Sex 4) Alex Trebek is ________ eh) Canadian b) Creepy c) Canadian and Creepy 5) Which country do you most wish you were really a citizen of? eh) U.S.A. b) All of the above 6) Moose are __________ eh) A National Treasure b) Good eats c) Proctoring this test 7) The colors of the Canadian Flag are: eh) Red and White

b) Maple Syrup and Mountie c) Cold 8) Canada's Biggest Export is: eh) Petroleum b) Teeth c) Mustachioed Game Show Hosts 9) Boxing Day is: eh) A Holiday celebrated the day after Christmas b) A day devoted to punching people? The sounds awesome! 10) If you answered "yes" to questions 1 and 2, there is still time to back out. Just get up and walk away and no will be the wiser.

Worst Night Ever

October 12, 2009 A few months ago, I would have told you being in a monogamous couple is worse than promise rings, worse than breast reductions, worse than male jean shorts. But I stand before you a changed man. Yes, Barney Stinson has learned there are far greater evils in this world than the perils of only one vagina to call home. Beware! A hidden danger lurks in the shadows of monogamy and it goes by the name of the double date.

I know what youre thinking. Double dating sounds awesome. You have a brief respite from just hanging out with your partner plus a dude to bro out with while the ladies talk about shopping or shoes or cleaning or whatever it is they talk about. Plus, there is always the possibility that a few too many glasses of wine leads to a three-way with your bro left out in the cold or, at worst, manning the video camera.

But its not worth it. Dont believe me? Check out what my former bro Marshall sent to me clearly a guy so miserable in marriage that hell give anything to hang out with anyone else. Granted, Robin and I are ridiculously awesome so I kind of get where hes coming from. But still. Theres just no excuse for this. www.ItWasTheBestNightEver.com

Notes from Class: Robin 101

October 5, 2009 College is awesome. Where else do you find such a high concentration of women willing to party on a Tuesday? Unfortunately there are classes. Here are my notes from last week.

The Barnacle understands that his peeps needs his tweets. So follow along with my twitter account. Heres the link: http://twitter.com/Broslife

Why Girls MUST wear Jeans to a Strip Club

September 28, 2009 Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered no please refer to my earlier post Never Wear Jeans to a Strip Club from 2/14/06. If you answered yes take a second to admire them

maybe give them a soft caress... maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means youre a chick and therefore have a duty (heh) to always wear jeans if and when you go to a strip club. Why?

1. A chick wearing something other than jeans steals focus. Frankly, its disrespectful to those hardworking community college dropouts whove decided to listlessly gyrate their sinewy bodies in front of slack-jawed strangers in exchange for cash. Insulting, really. 2. A skirt or a dress says youre not open to a lap dance. Candys doesnt have the time to push up your petticoats to get in there. That cute floral a-line basically announces youre taking up space preventing another patron from contributing to her tattoo-removal fund. Not cool. 3. Jeans are too tight for wallets. Wearing jeans forces you to keep money in places other than your pocket (I suggest betwixt your boobies), so when you have to pay for a drink youre graciously offering patrons two shows for the price of one.

4. Jeans help prevent infection. Trust me: you want as little exposed flesh on a strip club seat as possible. Save lives: cover up those gams. 5. To attract the fellas. If theres one thing guys like, its something else. After a night of seeing awesome nakedness, a woman in a pair of sexy tight jeans is a nice change. Plus, if you play your cards right, maybe youll take those jeans off later thereby completing the great circle of stripper life. 6. Comfort. The fact that you came to a strip club in the first place shows that youre a cool chick. You might as well take the night off from style and go for feel you deserve to slip into those dungarees. * A friendly mahalo to my TG/TS/TV readers!

DEFINE THIS!
September 21, 2009 I spent a lot of my summer chilling out with my special lady buddy, Robin. According to my social colleague, Lily, that wasnt a precise enough definition of our time together. You see, as a gentleman I generally prefer not to kiss and tell (unless Ive nailed a ten or accomplished a particularly athletic sexual feat and also, just to be clear, Ive slept with Robin A LOT). But Lily has carelessly thrown around words like boyfriend and girlfriend and worst of all relationship. I dont think so. Look it up.

relationship [ree-ley-shuh n-ship] A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other. I mean, how ridiculous can one get? Connection existing between people?! What are we, Siamese twins? related to Um, no. Gross. Dealings with each other? We dont have dealings, we have intercourse! Crazy, here put this on intercourse! Clearly, Robin and I are not in a relationship. But since Lily refuses to let it go, I thought Id offer up some better definitions of how two people choose to interact well, the PG version anyway. hooking up [hoo-k-ing up] - When two people do it, consistently, but arent hanging out during daylight hours unless its for the express purpose of getting it on. hanging out [hang ing owt] The process of participating in an organized activity together such as a movie or dinner - followed shortly thereafter by furious banging. seeing where things are going [see-ing wair things ahr going] The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means. dating [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex.

marriage [marr-edge] see: suicide. playing the field [play-ing the feeeeld] Banging as many people as possible. just friends [just frends] Two people who probably couldve banged that one night but didnt and its been a little weird ever since. Theyve thought about it, though. Barnman and Robin [barn-man and rob-in] A delightful and humorous play on words meant to equate Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky with popular comic book superheroes Batman and Robin, but instead of fighting crime they like to have sex in public places but they do sometimes wear costumes, so yeah.

UNCLE BARNEY'S MAIL SACK:

May 18, 2009 Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He's chubby, I'm built. I have a full head of hair, he's bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can't do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated to bettering lives. Granted, Dr. Phil likes to show off in front of a national television audience while I prefer to dispense with my tough-talking advice via this blog (although if any television producers are reading this, I'd

be open to hosting my own show. I'm thinking an hour-long format -- possibly as a lead-in to Oprah. The theme song is recorded and ready to go.) Dear Uncle Barney: When most people think of goats, they think of the can-eating child friendly petting zoo staple. However recently my friend Ted was savagely attacked by one that required a trip to the hospital. So, either they're quite ferocious (like he says), or Ted's a big time wuss. Which one is it? And, what other relatively harmless animals do you advise we stay away from? Marshall E., Minnesota Dear Marshall, First off, it sounds like your friend Ted is one of the biggest wussies in the history of wussery (#1 - still the French). That being said, here are three relatively harmless animals to stay away from unless you want to wind up in a hospital for reasons other than picking up a hot nurse coming off a 24 hour shift whose decision making can be easily manipulated and whose primary desire is to get into bed. 1 - Bees You've seen "My Girl" (if you haven't you should, but bring tissues - it's a tear jerker.) 2 - My neighbor's dog Wally This golden retriever who lived next to my mom's house growing up seemed so friendly and great but as soon as you tried to ride him like a horse, he'd bite your stomach. 3 - Rabbits They don't walk, they hop. They eat the heck out of your carrots. And if they could, they'd carry your feet around for good luck. If you see one, I advise running. Dear Uncle Barney: I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death,

because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing? Jack Package, New York Dear Jack, It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it.

AS FAST AS I CAN
May 12, 2009 Getting out of a ticket -- turns out -- not as easy as getting out of a second date. Nor apparently, are cops as easily manipulated as say, the Dow Jones. But when the po-po pulls you over on your way to your next pharmaceutical sales convention, you need to be ready. Here's a Stinson approved practice test.* Which answer will get you out of a ticket? 1. You pull an illegal U-turn on a two lane road. Freddy Fuzz waddles over and asks for you license and registration. A: Apologize and promise to never to it again. B: You explain you have diplomatic immunity. You're an ambassador from the country of Awesome. C: Cry 2. There's a girl fight happening across town. You're doing 95 on the highway. Carl Copper flashes his lights. You pull over. He asks for license and registration. You: A: Explain you're dyslexic. You thought you were going 59. B: You do your duty as a bro and tell him about the fight. C: Cry. 3. You run a stop sign. Trudy Trooper wants your license and registration. You: A: Say you thought that sign was for your heart, because that's what it did when you saw her. B: Hand them over. With your phone number. C: Cry

Answers: Question 1: A: Ticket B: Ticket C: Ticket Question 2: A: Ticket B: He turns on the sirens and you get there just in time to see the girls yank off their tops and roll into a conveniently placed puddle of mud. Then he writes you a ticket. C: Ticket Question 3: A: Ticket B: Ticket but also a fun night with handcuffs and a lot of "Yes, Officer!" C: Ticket and she laughs at you. *Please note that if you are a hot chick, you will never get a ticket. If you are borderline hot, (we're talking 4-7 out of 10), crying should do the trick.

CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS

May 4, 2009 I recently reached an important personal goal: 200 women. That's like 100 women, twice...but you know, with 100 totally different women. Since it's clearly just a numbers game, I think it's safe to say I'm in the lead.* With the almost mythic "200" conquered, I started wondering how "200" fits in the pantheon of landmark numbers. *Professional athletes, Pharaohs, and Kennedys excluded from competition 200 BY THE NUMBERS

3, 4, Knock On My Door
April 27, 2009 I recently encouraged my best friend, Ted, to observe the Three Day Rule regarding when to call a chick after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to reestablish contact you can fool her into thinking youre not as desperate as you probably are. Its a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs like Ted, but theres a more technical approach for intrepid souls that requires both advanced expertise and polished skills the Four Day Rule. As explained in my New York Times Best-selling book, The Bro Code, waiting four days instead of three gives you a considerable edge when it comes to winning over a woman, but this strategy raises many frequently asked questions from gentlemen callers: If I girl gives me her number, doesnt that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?

If you call a girl right away and other guys follow suit, eventually women will expect timely correspondence and thats an unnecessary burden for everyone. Okay, then why dont I just wait a week, or a month, or even a year? Waiting a week makes her think you were too scared to call and a month makes it seem like youre even more desperate than calling her the first night. As far as waiting a year, experiments are underway to determine at what exact time period a belated call from the past will fool a chick into thinking you havent been able to get her out of your mind after all this time, which can lead to some spirited nostalgic sex. I scored a few phone numbers over the weekend and Im worried I will mess up the days and call too soon or too early. What should I do? Spreadsheet. Heh. Okay, Ive waited ninety-six hours. Whens the best time to call her? Call during the middle of the day. Youll have a better chance of catching her voicemail, and then, with any luck, the ball will be in her court. If the gods are in your favor, you might even be able to set something up without ever actually having to talk with her. Everyone I know swears by the Three Day Rule. Why are you such a proponent of the Four Day Rule? If everyone you know has heard of the Three Day Rule, then you can rest assured that women have heard of it, too. By waiting an extra day, you can really make that random chick you met while drunk feel unique.

The Fantasy Fantasy League

April 13, 2009 The land of make believe is no longer confined to rainy-day attics or treehouse sleepovers. All across this great nation, grown men and women are playing pretend - imagining themselves as the general managers of professional sports teams. And while that might be good clean fun, I prefer my fantasies to be bad dirty fun. Therefore I proudly present to you my latest and greatest idea: Fantasy Fantasy League. Last week some friends and I created our own fantasy fantasy draft board. The object was to put together the best possible fantasy by selecting (in any order) a PERSON, PLACE, and SITUATION. After randomly selecting a draft order, I went first

As with most fantasy leagues, some analysis is necessary. Lets go over the big winners and losers of this draft: WINNERS Barney: Locked up Scarlett Johansson early, then scooped up the Playboy Mansion, when it inexplicably fell to the second round. By closing his draft out with snowed in, Stinson created the perfect scenario Scarlett Johansson surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women who, its worth noting, like getting naked. Add in the apocalyptic event of snow blanketing southern California and you have very naked beautiful women preparing for the end of the world with Barney leading the charge toward heaven. Lily: Solid location pick in the first round after Robin choked and picked possibly the unsexiest place on earth after an intensive care unit (assuming no nurses). Went for value in the later rounds and the diversity of picks opens the door for bonus fantasy entertainment - when shes done handcuffing her Aussie, they can while away those long hours on the deserted island with a one man performance of Pippin. LOSERS

Ted: Reached for an environment too early and then added insult to injury by choosing a lame continent. Sure, Paris might be an acceptable pick if this were a Shoe Fantasy league but with locations like outer space and mattress store still on the board, this bust of a pick may haunt him for years. His second and third picks were total question marks, not even worth mentioning. It was like watching the New York Jets at the NFL draft. Marshall: Really? Youre going to pick the only woman youve ever had sex with for your fantasy? His other picks are all over the map, but at least he knows what he wants. WILDCARD Robin: I tuned out after Canada.

Old Person Quiz

March 30, 2009 For several years now, I've been prohibited from playing Little League baseball. This is an inevitable part of aging, and a necessary one -- because the simple truth is I would dominate those little punks on the diamond. But as Aaliyah so famously declared: Age ain't nuthin' but a number. You might be fifty and act twenty, you might be twenty and act fifty, or you might be sixteen with a really good fake I.D., a body that screams eighteen, and a very violent, stubborn father. Some of us don't know where we stand -- but as usual, Barney is here to the rescue with this very helpful quiz. Answer the questions honestly and find out exactly how old you really are... You're at a bar and your friend buys a round of tequila shots. You... (1) Down your shot, then your friend's shot, then order another round. (2) Down your shot, thank your friend, and retire home for the evening. (3) Turn down the shot - you have work tomorrow. (4) This entire scenario is unrealistic - bars? What is this, college?

Your friends are camping out for concert tickets. You... (1) Get a keg and a tent -- you're in. (2) Give them money and ask them to buy you a ticket (3) Pass -- can you believe the crap those kids are listening to these days. (4) The music's too loud, parking is a pain, and everyone's on drugs. No, thanks.

Your friends are at the beach throwing the football around. You... (1) Organize a tackle football game - straight out of the Abercrombie catalog. But straight. (2) Just throw the ball around nice and soft -- while enjoying the sun's rays. (3) Don't throw the ball at all -- that's a good way to get your trick shoulder worked up again. (4) Don't go to the beach because sand gets in places you don't want sand to be, and the sun is a big blaring ball of potential Melanoma beating down on you.

You're house sitting in your friend's ridiculous mansion. You... (1) Throw a house party that will make Kid N' Play's hair fall out. (2) Invite a small group of friends over for a dinner party. (3) You have a date with his comfortable couch, a glass of Chianti, and the latest Clive Clussler. (4) You leave early because you're old and depressed and it's strikingly clear you'll never be able to afford a house of similar size.

You get a girls' number. You... (1) Call her that night for a booty call. (2) Wait the allotted 3 days and ask her out for coffee. (3) Wait the allotted 3 days to call and plan a dinner. (4) Don't call because phones are too confusing.

The stock market is crashing. You... (1) Don't care because you aren't invested in the stock market. (2) Care a little because some of your buddies are on Wall Street. (3) Start looking for a ledge to jump off of. (4) Find it exciting to actually have something to talk to people about.

It's the first beautiful day outside in a while. You... (1) Fill a thermos with gin and step outside. (2) Barbecue with some friends. Maybe even cook a steak

(3) White-wash your fence. (4) Bird-watch with the new binoculars you bought off of QVC.

You just found out that you won the lottery. You... (1) Spend half the money on booze and the other half on strippers. (2) Buy a really cool car that you've always wanted. (3) Diversify thru mutual funds and CD's. (4) Do not want to cash in the ticket for fear that "once Uncle Sam gets his hand in your pocket, he won't let go."

You're at a sporting event and a jerk is causing a ruckus. Do you: (1) Hit him with a beer bottle and when he looks over, point to the guy next to you. (2) Berate him about why he's being a jerk and if he wants to fight you say, "Yeah, like I'm gonna fight you over a sporting event." (3) Alert an usher about said jerk. (4) N/A. Don't attend sporting events because of chance of inclimate weather and escalating price of concessions and seriously, have you seen what they're charging for a cup of birch beer nowadays? It's criminal.

You're flipping thru the channels and you see that a "Golden Girls" marathon just started. You... (1) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages (2) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages (3) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages (4) Watch it (at an increased volume) - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages

Assign yourself the corresponding points for each answer and tally them. For instance, if you answered choice (1) to a question, give yourself one point, and so on and so forth. 10-15 - You're young at heart, or you're an immature jerk. Either way, do as you please.

16-25 - You're still hanging on to that last vestige of youth. Many people your age shake their head at your antics. 26-32 - You're starting to get that old person smell. Give it up 33-40 - You may be dead already.

Oh Canada
March 23, 2009 An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn't born that way. It took work. Now we've all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol' fashioned research. It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada - America's frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn't that they're into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it's the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on. So without further ado, allow me to present to you: www.canadiansexacts.org Study it. You never know when you might find yourself north of the border and south of her's.

Couture Watch: Nightshirt Makes Night Moves

March 16, 2009 After an evening spent in the surprising freedom and luxury of a nightshirt, I have decided to update my approved wardrobe lists.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

March 9, 2009 Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter RE: Awesome Manuscript

Best Story Ever.

Casting Couch
March 2, 2009 "Whether youre hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending youre a married man to please your mother, every now and again youll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually youll need to produce a human being to corroborate your story. Thats when youll need an actor. But Barney, actors are whiny and self-centered. True, but theyre also professional liars and - as an added bonus - very, very hot. How do I go about hiring these masters of deceit? Youll need to generate a character description and post it with a casting service or local newspaper. Before you complain about all that work, remember: Youll be rewarded with hundreds of pictures of hot strangers sent right to your home...free. Below are some notices I sent out recently when trying to cast a fake family so that my mother would love me. Enjoy! CASTING CALL! Role: BETTY STINSON. Fortuitous wife of Barney Stinson. Despite birthing a son has not lost her figure. In fact, might look better than she used to. Project: The Stinsons. A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years. Director: Barney Stinson the visionary web-cam auteur who brought you such raw classics as Jessica: February 1st, 2009 - Met at MacLarens Last Call and Tina: September 13, 2006 - New Mail Room Girl at Work. Pay: Scale. Seeking: Female, 18 29, energetic, extremely attractive. Like, at least a 9.

Skills: 1. -- Hot -- like, at least a 9 2. -- Must provide own swim suits, ngligs...whatever sexy outfits a married women might have 3. -- Willingness to perform own stunts 4. -- Breathtaking breasts 5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene 6. -- Great in bed Notes: 1. -- May require nudity 2. -- Great first-time role: I know, like, a ton of important Hollywood people Please send headshots, resumes, and other pictures to Barneystinson@yahoo.com CASTING CALL! Role: TYLER STINSON. A young boy with the greatest father ever. Project: The Stinsons. A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years. Director: Barney Stinson the visionary cell-phone camera auteur who brought you the cell phone video classics Ted Gets Hit in the Junk and Ted Gets Hit in the Junk 2: Revenge of the Stool. Pay: $50/day. Some meals. Seeking: Male, can play 6 8 years old, preferably blonde and chiseled. Must have spectacular depth of facial expression, and an all around sense of awesomeness. Skills: 1. -- Familiar with the Stanislavski System of Acting 2. -- Background in improv preferred

3. -- Must be able to do your own makeup and hair and provide own wardrobe welltailored suits a plus, or, barring that, something not off the rack 4. -- Stage combat 5. -- Willing to do anything for the scene 6. -- Hot moms encouraged Notes: 1. -- Actors should come with a prepared monologue about how awesome their dad is 2. -- Moms come dressed to move Please send headshots and resumes to Barneystinson@yahoo.com

Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door

February 2, 2009 Check out the most awesome rsum ever! www.barneysvideoresume.com Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir: As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand. I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb though the stack of tree-killing, archaic paper rsums that have inundated your office or luxury yacht because as a human of great power and influence, you don't have time to read. As such, I proudly yet humbly present to you my video rsum: www.barneysvideoresume.com

Bingo!
January 19, 2009 Every year I take the top 25 party schools and arrange them on a bingo card. The rules are simple*: Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc.

*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo 1. Students must be currently enrolled. Dont think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville. 2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge. 3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language. 4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid. 5. Student must be attending university in person getting a degree online does not count in the same way that having sex online does not count. 6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that schools college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void. 7. Have fun!

Uncle Barney's Mail Sack

January 12, 2009 Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top awesome -- I can help others improve. Dear Uncle Barney, My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm adjusting my fantasy football roster or reading about upcoming video games. I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions. Sincereley, Joseph Donovan

---------------------Joseph, There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed. DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about appetizers -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand. DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential. DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience). *Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is. **Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.

Dear Santa
December 15, 2008 Dear Santa, As Im sure youve noticed, Ive been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So its with great admiration and what Im sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up -- Id really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many womens houses undetected. Im good, but Im not that good. Happy Holidays,

Barney Stinson P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Lets get serious, bro.

Everybody's Kung-Fu Fighting

December 8, 2008

Getting in a fight? Lame. Watching someone else fight? Awesome. While some of the great ones have already been settled (Alien v. Predator, Rocky v. Drago, thong v.underwear) others are still too close to call (blonde v. brunette). That being said, here are some great fights I would pay to see. Feel free to rock the vote on what you think the outcome would be. Note: Answer key at the bottom of the page. (1) Super Lightweight Champion: Canada v. France Baguettes meet hockey sticks in a battle of places that feature cold temperatures, funny accents, and weird looking currency. Canadas slight edge for its proximity to America and for producing Pamela Anderson is immediately nullified by the existence of French-Canadians. Which is the better country: (A) Canada or (B) France? (2) Middleweight Champion: One celebrates growing wood, the other celebrates poles. Who wins the battle of fantastic holidays: (A) Arbor Day or (B) Flag Day? (3) Heavyweight Championship: Trebek v. Sajak This showdown recently opened up when undefeated World Champion, Bob Barker retired. Trebeks knowledge of military warfare and history gives him a slight edge, though if Sajak connects with a right hook, it could be lights out: 25 years of spinning that wheel has turned his hand to iron and if hes able to channel his silent rage over never taking a run at Vanna White, Sajak could leave Trebeks face in the form of a question. Vote in the Game Show Host Match-up: (A) Trebek or (B) Sajak? (4) The Main Event: Both events have been staples of debauchery since the bleary-eyed dawn of man. Both attract girls who will do almost anything for a reasonable fee of plastic beads. While Spring Break holds a geographical advantage (celebrated all over the globe), Mardi Gras rocks an impenetrable fortress not even Mother Nature herself can ruin that party.

Who wins the slap down of debauchery: (A) Mardi Gras or (B) Spring Break? Answer Key:

Naked Man!
November 24, 2008 As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today, they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit. But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man. Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy. Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens. Step 1: You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.

Step 2: Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth.

Step 3: Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.

This works...2 out of 3 times.

Barney Stinson University (B.S.U.)

November 17, 2008 OPEN ENROLLMENT -- COURSE ADDITION SOC 435 -- Woo and You: A Study of Woo Girls in their Natural Habitats Course Objective: For students to gain a greater knowledge and insight into the species of Woo Girl and their various breeds and types. Course will be hands on/pants off and focus specifically on Woo Girl haunts such as Mardi Gras, Western Themed Bars, and Spring Break. At the end of the ten week session, students are expected to have thorough and exhaustive knowledge of Woo Girl culture and mating rituals. Prerequisites: Students shall have successfully passed both CGR 105 (An Introduction To Cougars) and ADV BRST 235 (Differential Equations and Matrix Algebra of Breasts.) Enrollment is limited to upper classmen only. Professor: Stinson, B. Class Schedule: Week 1: WHAT IS A WOO? An overview of Woous Normalus and their place in history, society, and mythology. Special guest lecturer: 3-time Wet T-shirt champion Tara Collins.

Week 2: THE CALL OF THE WOO An in-depth look at the mating call. In the laboratory, students will master both the tonal aspects and wavelength duration of a Woo call. Later, during advanced fieldwork, students will attempt to infiltrate a pack of Woo girls, observe them in their native environments, and record and submit the phone numbers of any hot ones. Week 3: THE BEAD INDUSTRY The symbiotic relationship between young, impressionable women and shiny round objects on strings. We will examine both the micro and macro economics of Wooing. Week 4: SUB-SPECIES OF WOO Woous Vegasus, Woous PanamaCityus, and Woous SouthPadreus. We will explore their differences and similarities as well as their journey from Daddys Little Girl to Bad Relationships, and how the Discovery of Madori affects this evolution. Week 5: MOVIE NIGHT In what has traditionally been a popular lecture, students will analyze and deconstruct a collection of Girls Gone Wild DVDs. Week 6: WOO GIRLS AT THE WORKPLACE An analysis of Woo Girl professionals. Lecture will focus through a historical lens, highlighting Woo girls in the workplace from the early days of aviation hospitality to present day pharmaceutical sales. Week 7: FIELD TRIP TO MARDI GRAS Students will observe the highest Holy Day of Woo, in the Wooiest City in the World. Week 8: ORAL PRESENTATIONS Students present theses prepared over this intensive two month course. Suggested topics include: The Seasons of Woo, The Origins of Woo, and Woos in World War II. Required Reading: -- Subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine -- STA Spring Break Travel Guide 09 -- The Female Anatomy, 1991 ed. -- The Bro Code -- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Required Viewing: -- Charlies Angels: The Complete First Season -- Wild Things -- Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Season Yearbook 1994 -- MTVs The Grind: Complete Series

Not A Father's Day

November 10, 2008 Everyones talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Fathers Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father. But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? Its simple. In fact, theres a good chance youre already Not a Father, but youll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first. Not A Father - FAQs 1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure Im a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that youre a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if theyve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! Youre well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood. 2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible? Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover theyve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes. 3. Im worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father? Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. Thats why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:

--"the penis poncho" (condom) --"sex mints" (birth control pills) --"outercourse" (dry-humpin) --"the WMDs of sperm" (IUDs) --"the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring) A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here: www.thenationalcampaign.org/unplanned/back2school.aspx

Doing Hard Time

November 3, 2008 As any graduate of Barney Stinson University can tell you, everything you need to know in life you learned while watching soft core porn: -- "Pool Cleaner" is the best job on the planet -- Busty blonde women make the best detectives -- Women's prisons are hot, sexual breeding grounds of uninhibited debauchery Female prisons existed for millennia as vast untapped (heh) reservoirs until our friends the Ancient Egyptians invented the conjugal visit, and suddenly the maximum security sexual paradise became accessible not just to Pharaoh, but also to Joe the Pyramid Builder. While today's gentleman may think starting a relationship with a female convict sounds like the perfect relationship - minimal talking, no expensive dinners, guaranteed sexual relations I must warn you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION. While these women are caged animals whom you can love and leave at your pleasure, what happens when theyre no longer caged? Parole boards and over-crowded prisons have conspired to threaten this fragile heaven. So how do you know which violent criminal should be the next notch on your bedpost (that you can make with her shiv!)? You can start by having her fill out this simple questionnaire, provided she knows how to read.

The Bro Code

October 20, 2008

At long last I have published "The Bro Code" -- the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes. "The Bro Code" definitively answers some of mankind's most profound dilemmas like "what happens if I accidentally brush against another Bro's junk?" and "how many pizzas should I order?" and "can I sleep with a Bro's ex-girlfriend?" This life-saving document is now available both in book stores and online.

Read an excerpt here. An informative and valuable read for men and women alike, "The Bro Code" is the perfect stocking stuffer (heh) this holiday season, but don't take my word for it... Critical Acclaim for "The Bro Code" "This is the finest piece of literature ever written. Now will you give me my phone back, Barney?" --Theodore M. "This is by far the most disgusting, disparaging, stomach churning thing I've ever read, which means a lot if you've ever seen one of my husband's grocery lists." --Lily A.

"You'll howl... with delight!" --Stephen King "Stinson uses language like a scalpel, digging though our deepest emotional tissue to expose the very core of the human psyche." --Mike Tyson "Finally! A book worth reading!" --God "Stinson beat me to it." --J.D. Salinger "Jefferson's out, Stinson's in!" --Rachel M. (President - Mount Rushmore National Preservation Society) "An entertaining beach read." --Pope Benedict XVI "Ewww." --Robin S. "Out of this world!" --Alien (creature from another planet) "I'm sorry what?" --Maya Angelou "I have a hundred words for 'snowflake' but only one word for 'The Bro Code,' - awesome!" --Some Eskimo maybe "This book makes me want to rethink my career." --Mark (the dude who wrote the Gospel

Interveneous Injection
October 13, 2008 When a friend gets engaged, there's only one appropriate response: PANIC. Engagement is often the gateway to marriage; the leading cause of monogamy. As a friend, it's incumbent upon you to prevent this calamity, but should the traditional methods of intervention (booze, strippers, more

booze) come up empty, you may have to resort to a more personal and heartfelt tactic: reading him the most heartfelt of letters.

I Heart NJ
October 6, 2008

The fist bump. One bro's way of telling another bro: "clever joke" or "thanks for taking the heffer so I could get the hottie" or "don't worry, I won't tell your girlfriend/wife." It's essentially the only acceptable form of bro-to-bro contact with the obvious exception of the high five. While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of bro-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.

Can you match these momentous fist bumps over the course of history with their place on the timeline? Eli Whitney fist bumps cotton God fist bumps Adam Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV Martin Luther fist bumps his 95 theses onto the door of the church Tommie Smith and John Carlos fist bump atop the Olympic podium Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict a Pharaoh fist bumping a cat China builds the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion Chuck Yeager breaks the sound/fist bump barrier - (Other guy's arm falls off - never done again) Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make the first space fist bump The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump

The Host with the Most

(9/29/08) Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host? Personality -- Check Awesomeness -- Check Good Looks -- Check Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym. IS SHE LEGAL? 20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal? Location: International waters Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board AMERICA'S WETTEST T-SHIRT 500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society FATHERS AND SONS Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew Location: The heart Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son

Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association THE NEXT GREAT TAILOR Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week Location: Milan Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories: 1. Wear-ability 2. Remove-ability 3. Get-Barney-laid-ability Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid Sponsor: Barney's New York. Duh. DON'T FORGET YOUR WALLET Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship. Location: A bedroom near you Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas Prize: Freedom Sponsor: Trojan "Together we can end Feelings"

Overcoming Illness
(9/22/08) As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the get well cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams youve been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings. During my courageous battle against Feelings I discovered, in shock, that the medical establishment has done very little research on this crippling affliction. In fact some physicians even went so far as to claim Feelings arent even a life-threatening disease! Luckily for you my PhD in Awesomeness has qualified me to assemble this informative medical pamphlet for any of

you who fear you may have contracted Feelings. Keep fighting, America. ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM FEELINGS? What Are Feelings? Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs. Early Warning Signs When youre around one particular chick, you experience: Pounding Heart Dry Mouth Nausea Inability to speak Sweating Desire to say flattering things If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease Symptoms Warm fluttery feelings in stomach Lightheadedness An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences Brunch cravings Explosive monogamy Happiness Failure to notice other hot women Crosswording Transmission Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate hand holding may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another. Treatment At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy. paid for by the Barney Stinson Foundation

Together we can end Feelings

EMRGENCY RROOM
(5/19/08) Thweers bwwn an accieernht. Ok thus isn't wirkuing/ Hello, I'm Bill, a nurse here at St. Anthony's. Patient Stinson here asked me to type this stupid blog for him because he's suffered severe injuries to over 83% of his body. He says he'll pay me quite handsomely and judging by the stack of hundreds I found in the suit we cut off him, I believe him. So here goes. "Barnacles, when you find yourself in pursuit of the ladies, you may be forced to don a disguise of a less awesome nature, such as a full body cast. Now" Hold on. What the hell is a Barnacle? And are you saying you wear a costume when you're trying to pick up chicks? uM. yeAh. Why? oT gEt therm tro go home wiyth me. That's kind of pathetic, no? Seems to me you'd look like a damn fool wearing a costume in the middle of the club. Don't people laugh at you? No. Sure they don't. Tey dwont! Why don't you just be honest about yourself and tell a woman she looks beautiful? Usually works for me, and I empty bedpans for a living. Wrll you're during It wrOng!!! That's funny. I have not one, but two lady friends from last night who may beg to differ. Twyo? Okay, anyone who is actually reading this blog: You're being misled. Meeting women is not that complicated. You don't need capes or costumes or whatever. Just show an interest in what she likes. Make her feel special. Oh, and wear a suit.

iM ntt gong to payy you noww. Huh. Then I guess I'll be a little slower with your morphine drip. Nnnnoooo!

Barney's Mail Sack

(5/12/08) Dear Barney, You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how you look really, really awesome in suits? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my doctor girlfriend, Zella Stinman, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my awesome best friend has incredible sex with one hot chick one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing? - Med Tosby - New York, NY Dear Med, Yes. You're missing something fundamental. Observe.

Get well soon, Barney

A Call to Wings
(5/5/08) Behind every great man is a great wingman: Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen, George Bush the First had Dan Quayle, and Han Solo had Chewbacca. But sadly you can't just snap your fingers and find a Dan Quayle, so I have been forced to scrape by with Ted as my wingman for the last few years. But no more. I am in the market for a new wingman. Below is my "Application to be Barney Stinson's Wingman." If you think you're up to the job and let's face it, you're probably not - please complete the form and mail it back to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com.

-The Barnacle

THE BRO CODE

(4/28/08) Whether we know it or not, each of us lead our lives by an internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "The Bro Code."

Years ago, I set forth to compile and articulate the unspoken mores that exist between and among Bros the world over. While not intending to write a "Guide To Being a Bro," if men should treat it as such and choose to pass this compendium of knowledge from generation to generation, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye but not out of it - that would be a violation of ARTICLE 77: "A Bro never cries." The Bro Code is a living document - manifest in its 83 amendments - and as such is not yet publicly available in an unabridged volume. The original document is housed in a non-disclosed location, two stories beneath sea level in a vacuum-sealed bulletproof chamber. Re-printed here is a sampling of some of her articles. Learn. Live. Enjoy. ARTICLE 26 "A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight." A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter

Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: "The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps." * SEE ZaBroder film ARTICLE 53 "A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection." In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story. * Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages ** SEE APPENDIX E: "List of approved ninja training facilities and dojos." ARTICLE 89 "A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro." Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.

BEACH VIDEOS

(4/21/08) When you see a link to a beach video on this blog, you're not wrong to expect a little hidden camera work from a topless beach and some hushed commentary from your Uncle Barney, as exemplified in my forthcoming documentary series, "Planet Boob." But this beach video is priceless. Sandcastles in the Sand

THE CHAIN CIRCLE PYRAMID OF SCREAMING

(4/14/08) HEY STUPID BLOG READERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG MORE?!?! Sorry. My boss screamed at me over a few missing schematics and I had to release some steam. Why didn't I yell at my boss and not at you? Because that would be dumb, idiot. You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM. What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM? The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you. To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:

The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job. It's no different inside your office, as exemplified by my own corporate scream pyramid:

Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.

SCRAPBOOKING
(3/31/08)

Retaining evidence of ANYTHING youve ever said or done is foolish if not actionable, particularly if youve said and done the type of things Ive said and done. But I am human, after all, and have a unique soft spot for the many many many acrobatic moments Ive shared with willing ladies over the years. So how best to cherish these memories? Most suggest a tawdry list or tally - hardly the proper forum for exalting the unique feminine beauties who, at some point in the past, so graciously let you nail them. Thats why I suggest todays nostalgic gentlemen create and maintain a well-crafted scrapbook. Heres how to do it. NOTE: Fight the urge to turn your scrapbook into a coffee table book. Lack of secrecy can and will lead to disastrous consequences, including, but not limited to, the destruction of your treasured scrapbook.
HOW TO MAKE A SCRAPBOOK

STEP 1: GET LAID STEP 2: TAKE PICTURE Something tasteful that captures the true essence of the woman. Youll want to experiment to find your own style, but Ive found the combination of zoom lens and cleavage to be the most classically rewarding. STEP 3: GATHER ARTIFACTS For instance, did you conjugate in a hotel? Well that room key doesnt just unlock a room, it unlocks the memory of getting laid in that room. CHOOSE A COMPLIMENTARY COLOR

Preferably, the background color of each page should reflect some aspect of your quarry. Was she Goth? Make it black. Was she a bride? Make it white. Was she a nun? How about a mixture of black and white. STEP 5: PICK A BORDER Here's where I really like to get creative. On page 83 of my own scrapbook, I detail a roll in the hay with a strapping young milkmaid. We quite literally rolled in hay. Hence, I constructed a border out of strands of hay I later found attached to my underpants. STEP 6: JOURNALING A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes those thousand words leave you little to no idea just who the girl was, or more importantly, just who you were. More information is always helpful. Heres a sample journal from one of my scrapbook pages: Alias: Elsworth Di Bona Angle: Prince of Norway I was to set sail to reclaim my rightful Norwegian throne stolen from me by the evil Dr. Reifenstandt. It was a dangerous, and most likely, deadly mission but such was the risk necessary to ensure my family crest be restored to its rightful, noble grandeur. My enemies could have been lurking anywhere, so it was imperative I secure safe lodging for the night. Girl: Jenni Hendriks Measurements: 36-24-35 Special notes: Great backrubs. Unfortunately, roommate raised by elderly Norwegian aunt. If seen again: Pretend you have twin brother; amnesia; or youre undercover and cant talk now. STEP 7: ENJOY YOUR SCRAPBOOK! Not only have you commemorated your conquests in a classier way than the traditional notch on the bedpost, but youve also embarked on a lifelong hobby that will bestow great personal joy for years to come. Which brings us to the final and most important step of scrapbooking STEP 8: GET LAID AGAIN

8.3 Seconds Thats All Youve Got To Make A First Impression

(3/24/08) Everyday, I get thousands upon millions of electronic mails asking how to pick up women. The truth of the matter - however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you've ever learned about the opposite sex is that a woman actually picks you. Worse yet, women are shamefully superficial: a woman will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how big her rack is. And just how long after first sight does it take for a woman to decide if shed sleep

with a guy? Try 8.3 seconds*. That's 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing. Without the verbal acumen, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men dont stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare contingencies such as laryngitis or, heaven forbid, the sudden appearance of a zit. Therefore, Ive started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume ensembles that allow virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a womans 8.3 second barrier. * Average time elapse based on a B.S. University study in which a cohort of attractive 18-22 year old females were exposed to pictures of random males and asked whether they would sleep with them. To legitimize the study, subjects were also shown a control picture of the lead researcher in a sharp suit and asked the same question.
FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES

MERCENARY Walk into a bar wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a womans first thought will be, Now heres a man who can protect me, followed quickly with her second thought, Id like to engage in sexual relations with this heavily armed man. VETERINARIAN A smock covered in dog hair will instantly convince any woman to sleep with you. Why? Because theres nothing sexier to a woman than a man who actively sought an education in the early detection of feline diabetes and other animal maladies. ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim vest emblazoned with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the Def Leppard patch unless you plan on being uncomfortable all night. L. L. COOL J Ladies love Cool James. ARTIST Toss a beret on your melon and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly youre the sensitive guy which gives a woman the perverse pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry. HAIR STYLIST Throw on a T-shirt two sizes too small for you, grab a hair dryer and an issue of Cosmo, and when you walk into a bar EVERY woman will want to be with you. ESCAPED CONVICT Leg irons, and a black and white striped jumpsuit. Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger. Combine all three and youll make her Sing Sing for ten to twenty-five (minutes).

St. Barney's Day

(March 17, 2007) They say Christmas only comes once a year I guess someone forgot to tell St. Patrick. You see, next to Halloween, Mardi Gras, and that depressing two week window in late December when everyone feels lonely and desperate, there is no better time for a gentleman to go out carousing than St. Patty's Day. The alcohol flows like the swiftest Irish spring, chicks wear skimpy green outfits to commemorate the destitute migrs of the Potato Famine, and even amateur pick-up lines like "Kiss me I'm Irish," "I wanna shamrock your body," and "Baby, you can banish my snakes" are surprisingly effective. But beyond the joy of sharing several, rabid moments with complete strangers you'll never see again, St. Patty's Day is also a celebration of the many Irish innovations we enjoy the world over, such as redheads, violence, and of course, the limerick. Here are some limericks I've been crafting over the course of the last few minutes. Look for them in my forthcoming anthology of poems, "A Stinson For A Dream." There once was a well-dressed man, Who made a young lady a fan, She gave him her number, He laid pipe like a plumber, Then before she awoke he ran. All the fair lasses kept starin', At a lad in the tavern MacLaren, They fought for this stud, In their bras and the mud, Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'. There was a young lass from Killarney, Who promised a gentleman named Arnie, That she only was his Though a fat lie this is, 'Cause last night she was screaming O'Barney. A man in a sharp navy blazer Clearly hand-tailored by razor, Went on a roll, Captured his goal, And never got tagged by a laser. I was in love with a chick named Pam, Who showed me pics of her fam, Pretty cute cat, But her mom was fat, So I dumped her that night on the tram.