Fantastic* Parodies: The Secrets of Lampooning

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/50117911.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Category: F/M, M/M
Fandom: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Relationship: Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald, Queenie Goldstein/Jacob
Kowalski
Character: Newt Scamander, Jacob Kowalski, Queenie Goldstein, Albus
Dumbledore, Gellert Grindelwald, Aurelius Dumbledore, Theseus
Scamander, Eulalie Hicks
Additional Tags: Humor, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, obscure references, Foul
Language, Content Warning: Dead Baby Animals, Content Warning:
Undead Baby Animals, I'm Not Even In This Fandom Anymore Why Am
I Still Writing These, trans rights are human rights
Language: English
Series: Part 4 of Fantastic* Parodies
Stats: Published: 2023-09-16 Updated: 2023-09-30 Words: 17,631 Chapters:
3/10

Fantastic* Parodies: The Secrets of Lampooning

by ShieldEcho

Summary

*Not actually all that fantastic. Contains the wrapping up of most of the loose ends because
we all know that the last two movies aren't gonna happen, possibly the worst direction I've
ever seen from a film trying to uphold the veneer of a “mystery”, and this is not how one
writes a heist movie.
 SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT RESTAURANT SCENE
Chapter Notes

Mostly copy-pasting my author's note from the previous two fics 'cause fuck effort: So.
You're probably wondering why the absolute fuck a nonbinary trans person is doing
writing Harry Potter fanfiction in the year of our calendar 2023. It all began back in
2008 – Jesus Christ I was not an adult when I started and now I'm one even by Tolkien
standards – when I started writing parodies of the HP films, which continued until I'd
covered all eight movies. And they were fun to do, I'd enjoyed it. So much so that I
went and did the books and play as well. I'd been enamored with HP since I was nine,
y'see, and that obviously carried over to the new Fantastic Beast movies. Of course I
was going to parody those as well! Why wouldn't I? I'd done everything else in the
series, even the fucking play! But I did want to wait until all five films were released,
at least, and then I would begin. I was eager to get started.

And then JKR did the thing. If you are somehow unaware, look it up yourself, I no
longer have the patience, I've argued with enough people in real life. Not like it's hard
to find, it's all she fucking tweets about these days...

Assassin's Creed used to be one of my favorite franchise of all time. I'm never going to
purchase another game from Ubisoft again. Ruroni Kenshin was what got me into
anime. I haven't touched that series in years. I used to be obsessed with anime voice
actors and wished I could afford to go to more conventions so that I could one day
meet a bunch of them. I now know how lucky I am in far too many cases that I never
got the chance.

Obviously you can't avoid every problematic thing in the world or you'll end up
watching paint dry for entertainment – I still love the fuck out of every form of One
Piece and Oda still considers Watsuki an amazing person, for fuck's sake – but
everyone's got their limit, and when the creator of something that defined your life for
so long suddenly goes after the rights of you and the people you care about...well, I
don't mind things being burned down if they become tainted.

This parody will be the last thing that I do for this fandom; I'm more into other shit
now anyway. I don't really care if anyone else is entertained by this point – I'm doing
this for me. Because I need a physical way to say good-bye to something that has been
a massive part of my life for twenty years, and to have fun airing out my grievances
while I do. It's been...cathartic, in a lot of ways. I can channel my disappointment into
something tangible that doesn't hurt my throat from screaming at nothing.

You're welcome to have “fun” along with me if you want, and if not, well, as we used
to say on fanfiction dot net back in the mid 2000s (which is honestly in desperate need
of a comeback): Don't like, don't read. It's that fucking simple, y'all.

Also I'm a complete and total hack who thinks referential humor is funny and
also like to cite my sources 'cause I have a Bachelor's in English and it's that
baked in: Castle Super Beast, Archer, Misfits and Magic, Werewolves and Lollipops,
Monty Python, The Simpsons, Super Best Friends Play, Family Guy, 50% Off,
Abridgimon: The Movie, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Hobbit, Naruto: The Abridged
Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show Motion Picture Movie Film, Star Wars, Woolie
 Versus, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Phineas
and Ferb, PatStaresAt, The Lord of the Rings, Death Stranding, and anything under
the Harry Potter umbrella.

~Yo I found a really shit COMPLETELY LEGAL version of this one and for some reason I just
know I'm gonna be entertained way more by it.~

New WB logo: *doesn't look half bad when it's all silver and rusted as opposed to how it normally
looks these days*

Wizarding World logo: *is a thing that I literally forgot even was a thing and it's even more
hilarious to know that the second time it was ever used will probably be the last time it was ever
used*

A bunch of people: *are on a train*

A very drunk Archer: *is hammering on one of the doors* I WANNA FLY THE TRAIN!

Dumbledore: *is on the train with his back to the camera just in case you couldn't tell it was him
and wanted to be surprised*

Train: *stops*

A bunch of people: *get off the train*

Dumbledore: *is also a people who gets off the train, going upstairs into probably London
proper...why would you take the tube when you can fucking teleport*

A case file included in the script: *reveals that he's still working as the Defense professor so I
almost want to just completely call this an AU at this point; if JKR's gonna throw continuity out the
window then why the fuck should any of the rest of us care anymore either*

Teacup: *is delivered by a waitress to where Dumbledore is suddenly sitting at a restaurant*

Dumbledore: Ta.

Waitress: Are you all set to order? Our specials include the McRib, obviously, we brought that
back for the season—Sorry, forgot we're in the UK, I meant Rib Deluxe, my apologies.

Dumbledore: No, um, no thank you—

Waitress: We also have the classic Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl, that's probably everyone's go-
to—

Dumbledore: I'm not really keen on—

Waitress: —or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale
manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and with a fried egg on top
and spam.

Dumbledore: *hastily* I'm actually waiting for someone? So, um, if you could just come back
later?

Waitress: Okaly dokaly doo! *walks away*

Dumbledore: *takes a weirdly long time to stir his tea and the camera lingers on him for a while
as a light sort of flashes around him*

Grindelwald: *is suddenly there and wouldn't you know it I suddenly find him to be a credible
villain again* Am I actually here, or...?

Dumbledore: Haven't the foggiest. Also, Mads Mikkelsen, what are you doing here!?

Grindelwald: Well they hired a character actor who's well known for playing charming villains
and wouldn't you know it I'm good at what I do.

ShieldEcho: *stares at Mads Mikkelsen and Jude Law and sighs in defeat* Even I admit that it is a
really good pairing up of talent to make this thing that I fucking hate.

Grindelwald: No one cares what you think. *sits across from Dumbledore* I notice you still have
most of your face attached to your body. Always a good indicator that you're doing fine.

Dumbledore: *blushes and turns away* Thank you!

Grindelwald: No problem. Now show me thing.

Dumbledore: Sure, here thing. *has the chain of the blood pact – the script calls it a blood troth
but I'm not gonna fucking do that, I know it means something different but my 'Murican brain
jumps to trough which just sounds gross and listen no one has time to learn what words mean –
wrapped around his hand which he opens to show off the actual pendent bit*

Grindelwald: *stares at it* Why would we make this thing!?

Dumbledore: 'Cause we're assholes, I guess?

Grindelwald: It's so fucking weird to not be wearing it anymore, do you know what I mean? It's
always weird to wear a piece of jewelry for ages and then just not have it anymore.

Dumbledore: Mm. Wanna destroy it?

Grindelwald: ...Love to chatter, don't they, our Muggle friends.

Dumbledore: Implying that wizards don't? I work in a school, Gellert, none of them ever shut up.
Which sucks because children are basically supposed to be your slaves.

Grindelwald: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a decent cup of tea around here?

Dumbledore: Hey, you cool with not doing a genocide anymore?

Grindelwald: That is literally what you signed up for. Time to stand by your decisions.

Dumbledore: NO WAY! Though I don't really know if the “I was young and stupid” excuse will
fly with a lot of people. Other than the commonality that when all you have access to is bigoted
viewpoints said by very persuasive people it can be hard to pull yourself out of that if you don't
have any dissenting opinions on hand.
Grindelwald: And here I thought you actually agreed with me.

Dumbledore: Actually it was just because my dick had led me to places I wouldn't even go with a
wand.

Grindelwald: Oh, I remember.

Dumbledore: CONFIRMATION OF GAY WITHIN THE TEXT ITSELF. FUCKING FINALLY,

ONLY TOOK NEARLY FIFTEEN FULL FUCKING YEARS.

Headlines going around back in 2019: “JK Rowling reveals Dumbledore and Grindelwald had an
'incredibly intense' sexual relationship.” A sentence she'd never say about Molly and Arthur even
though they had seven fucking kids together so you know they had to have some weird shit going
on. In fact, she never commented on the sex life of any straight couple in her series, only the one
gay one. Wonder why that is. Fetishizing gay men isn't actually supporting a homosexual
relationship as something normal. If anything, it detracts from their efforts. Not to mention that a
whole lot of media involving gay men is hyper-fetishized with really tropy innocent submissive
and evil dominant, painting the picture of outed gay men as sexual deviants and closeted gay men
as tempted by the forbidden fruit or something.

Dumbledore: Oh I am definitely the latter.

Grindelwald: And I'm sort of that penultimate one, aren't I.

Dumbledore: Depends on whether or not you also come out in this moment or at all. 'Cause I'd
honestly like to know whether you were into me as well, or if you're not actually queer at all and
were manipulating me sexually as well as emotionally so that I'd fall deeper under your spell, as it
were.

Grindelwald: Uh-huh, and have you forgotten the part where it was you who said that we should
achieve global domination and take back the planet.

Dumbledore: That was before I knew you wanted to murder everyone who couldn't make feathers
float by waving a stick. 'Cause that's our only real difference from them, you know.

Waitress: Looks like you are in fact here after all maybe. *places a teacup in front of
Grindelwald* Have you had a moment to look at our specials?

Grindelwald: Yes, have you got anything without spam in it?

Waitress: Well there's spam, egg, sausage, and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Grindelwald: No, I don't want any spam.

Dumbledore: Why can't he have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage?

Grindelwald: That's got spam in it!

Dumbledore: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.

Grindelwald: I think I'll just look at the menu, if you could give me a minute.

Waitress: Sure, I'll be back. *leaves*

Grindelwald: *observes the restaurant* Can you smell it? The stench?

Dumbledore: Oh come on, I put on deodorant this morning—

Grindelwald: No, I'm trying to be a bigot here, work with me.

Dumbledore: Oh, I do apologize, please continue.

Grindelwald: Are you seriously telling me that you'd want to save these fucking loser freaks
instead of rising up with the rest of your actual people?

Dumbledore: See, there's the problem: I still think we're all people. Did I once think we were
superior? Yes, clearly. But I still thought that they were also human.

Grindelwald: Whatever, I'm still gonna do whatever I can to basically destroy the fucking planet, I
don't even care if you're by my side when I do it anymore. And thanks to that little trinket right
there, you can't do shit about it.

Dumbledore: This is my angry face.

Grindelwald: I know, I remember it well. Enjoy your cup of tea. *gets up to leave*

Dumbledore: ...Fine, I will!

Grindelwald: GOOD!

Dumbledore: GREAT!

Grindelwald: PERFECT!

Dumbledore: IMMACULATE!

Grindelwald: I LOVE YOU! *either leaves or vanishes, it's honestly not clear*

Dumbledore: *stares at the cup of tea again* I don't feel good, I feel stupid.

Restaurant: *bursts into flames around him as the entire scene dissolves*

Krusty the Clown: ...What the hell was that!?

Dumbledore: *is back in his office at Hogwarts* That...is an excellent question, actually. Was that
a flashback, did we do some inter-dimensional mind palace fuckery like we do later in the film,
was it some other third thing that I can't think of right now, I genuinely have no idea. *grips the
blood pact* Also, seriously, if love really is supposed to be the greatest magic of all, then why was
this stupid piece of shit never mentioned until now.

~...So I get that the design of the character would obviously change with the actor but what
happened to the heterochromia at least.~

McGonagall: Now, I don't want to shit on nature's slowest birds or anything—

Dumbledore: Why not, they suck.

McGonagall: So you know how most owls go directly to the recipient in question? This owl just
kept circling the quadball pitch for some reason.

Dumbledore: And the actual message was?

McGonagall: Fuck if I know, it tried to claw my eyes out. You get the letter, I don't wanna.

Dumbledore: Only because we are here now.

Burrowing owl I think: *reluctantly hands over the message*

Dumbledore: The hell is this old dude. That you, Dippet?

Probably not Dippet: Maybe? *opens the letter*

Newt's voice: FOUND THE LIVING MACGUFFIN I'M SURE NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN
OKAY BYE!

McGonagall: So?

Dumbledore: Rather not tell you, if I did you'd have to be more involved in the film.

McGonagall: Fair enough!

Dumbledore: Do owls like sugar? We should feed this one some sugar. *buggers off*

McGonagall: I am repeating his instructions to you for some reason, even though SUGAR IS
INCREDIBLY HARMFUL TO BIRDS AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT
DUMBLEDORE WAS THINKING. And if I'm giving you orders then you're probably not Dippet
after all.

Probably not Dippet: Probably not, no. *goes to feed owl some fucking poison I guess holy fuck
this movie*

Owl: Go. Eat. A boat.

~...Well that was pointless.~

Next Location: *is apparently the Tianzi Mountain in China which you'd only know from reading
the fucking script as there was no establishing name thing on the fucking screen, well done,
filmmakers, way to add to the confusion*

Newt and Pickett: *are on a tiny raft thing with Newt paddling across a lake*

Pickett: I am Groot?

Newt: No, I probably can't apparate over because of magic. *steps off the raft, case in hand and
Pickett on his shoulder as he creeps through the foliage*

Animal noise: *is heard*

Newt: ...Fuck, I don't know if I'm actually ready for this.

Hole in mountain that's apparently called the Angel Eye: *exists*

Newt: *climbs up to it*

Qilin: *gets some stomach pats that look not great as her scales are undulating and Newt's hand is
not exactly undulating in the same way; she turns and makes a noise at Newt*

Newt: Yes, I know you're meant to look like a cross between a dragon and a horse but instead you
look like a deer with a moustache and barely visible scales, I know Shang-Chi did it better, get over
it, we've got a long night ahead of us.

Qilin: *raises an eyebrow, then stands up and walks away*

Baby qilin: *breaks out of the sac and falls to the ground*

Newt: Also way to make the least disgusting birth-giving scene possible, I suppose. You know, I
never understood how showing a same sex couple kissing is meant to be obscene but anyone and
everyone can show birth-giving scenes like this. I feel like the latter would raise more questions,
actually; it's one thing to easily just say that anyone can kiss whomever they fancy and it's quite
another to have to give a detailed explanation on exactly where babies come from.

Baby qilin: *ignores him as she shakily stands up and is licked by her mother*

Newt: ...Okay, this is pretty cute.

Pickett: *is in Newt's pocketses now* I am Groot.

Newt: It is so much more tolerable when it's animals, you're absolutely right. AND NOW TO
SHOVE THEM INTO MY CASE AS ALL THINGS MUST INEVITABLY GO. *opens case
where we still have a photo of Tina in one of like three scenes that Katherine Waterston was
contractually obligated to be in*

Rosier and Carrow: Hey. We're here to fuck up your movie.

One of them: So are we fighting now or what, what's going on. *shoots a green beam of light at
the qilin, and as it's pointedly green instead of the usual white it can only be the killing curse*

Qilin: *does not die, however*

Rosier: …What the shit. *shoots it again and finally downs it*

Newt: Apparently my version of a shield charm looks like one of those lightning ball things, what
are they called again?

Aurelius: Plasma balls, I think. *steps forward*

Newt: ...So were you deliberately going for the Kylo Ren look, or...?

Aurelius: Bitch you know I look good. *shreds Newt's shield charm with their wand*

Newt: Get the fuck me outta here. Accio! *summons his case*

Aurelius: And now the rest of your shield spell is gone.

Newt: RUN AWAY! *runs away and ends up tripping*

Baby qilin: *had fallen with him evidently*

Newt: *picks her up and starts running with her as his three assailants throw the usual white
normal who knows what they actually do spells at him, whistling*

Case: *pops out legs like a mimic and starts running the fuck away as well because it can do that
now, sure, only took him this long I guess*

Carrow: *apparates right next to Newt and tries to grab him*

Newt: *shrugs her off and keeps running until he reaches the lake where one of the unspecified
spells hits him and he's knocked backward into the water, dropping the baby qilin as he falls* I
think it's fair to say that that was maybe, like, you know, kind of fucking horseshit.

Pickett: *desperately surfaces*

Case: *casually treads water*

Baby qilin: *less casually treads water*

Newt: I'M UNCONSCIOUS!

Aurelius: *stalks menacingly forward with Rosier and Carrow in tow*

Pickett: *clambers onto a rock*

Carrow and Rosier: *bag up the baby qilin*

Aurelius: *glances at Newt* ...Why aren't we killing him?

Carrow: We can't, he's got plot armor.

Rosier: You still have much to learn, my young Padawan.

Aurelius: I know, I've been working on it.

Newt: ...Stop...don't...come back...

Aurelius, Carrow, and Rosier: Eh...Nah. *leave*

Newt: ...Well bugger. *sits up and smash cuts to himself holding the case and the mother qilin
fucking dead on the ground* ...Yep. That went about as well as I thought it was gonna go. Yep.
*collapses onto the qilin's neck* ...Why the fuck are you visibly breathing as if you're still alive,
you got hit with the killing curse twice.

Second baby qilin: I think the actual question is why aren't you trying to save her right now.
*wobbles over to Newt*

Newt: *instantly latches onto her* Oh please, it's only the possibility of life that matters, the
incubator's useless once it's fulfilled its purpose, don't you know anything?

Second baby qilin: Of course not, I was literally just born.

Qilin: And now I am the dead. Bleh.

Newt: For realzies this time?

Qilin: Yep! And now to kind of ruin the moment by having the customary Tear Of Death™ stream
down my face!

Newt: Yes, I suppose the audience's massive eyeroll at seeing that would have kind of killed the
mood. But who cares because BABY. *cuddles the snuggling qilin* ...If I had a sickle for every
time one of these films opened with a Fantastic Beast™ dying horribly, I'd have two sickles. Which
isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. Also I can't believe that she is literally the only
reason that we win at the end, usually there's buildup to forcibly inserting something this fucking
convenient but here we are.

Pickett: I am Groot. *looks up at the niffler who's poked his head out of Newt's case to sniff
around*

Newt: What're you doing up here, the placenta's not really the type of shiny you're looking for.
*watches Pickett and the niffler go back into the case as he casually lounges against a dead
mother*

OH THANK FUCK THE SCRIPT REVEALS THAT THIS WEIRD DUCK THING IS A
WYVERN wait what the fuck how is it a wyvern I've been wondering what this fucked-up
looking duck thing was for like a year and now you're telling me that it's a mini dragon-like
creature, what the actual fuck is wrong with you, way to ruin one of my favorite
Heartlesseseses, is there nothing you won't fuck up for me in retrospect: *looks over at the
niffler*

Niffler: *sniffs in the direction of the entrance to the case*

Wyvern: *flies up out of the case*

Newt: *is napping with the baby qilin on the corpse of this recently deceased minor female
character that has served her purpose and therefore no longer needs to be alive. The idea that JKR
was ever a champion for the rights of women and girls is fucking laughable*

Wyvern: *inflates their neck to roughly the size of a small hot air balloon*

Pickett: *puts on tiny goggles that he apparently has*

Niffler: *closes the case somehow*

Pickett: I am Groot! *somehow knows to give the wyvern directions on what to do next*

Wyvern: *picks up Newt, the baby qilin, and the case with their tail and rises up into the air before
deflating and becoming a real fuck-mothering wyvern, though still with a duck's head for some
reason as it flies off into the sky. It's almost as if someone had to remind JKR that this shit's biggest
fanbase was still literal children so as soon as you have a horrific death happen you need to include
this wacky inflatable duck; never mind that an exhausted Newt had just been using a corpse as a
pillow, it's time for whimsy!*

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore title card: Hey wow, we're in the backdrop of a
sunrise instead of a deep dark sky for once, that's a nice change from I wanna say every movie up
until this point! Also this title still sucks. And I just noticed how minuscule the actual “Fantastic
Beasts” part of the title is at this point, that's fucking hilarious.
Wyvern: That's great, I don't give a shit. *flies beyond it*

Camera: *goes through the B in DUMBLEDORE*

~And it would cut to Nurmengard if I didn't arbitrarily decide that this deleted scene should go
here instead.~

Newt: *wakes up in a hammock* Fuck my hand hurts. *goes upstairs into his house proper*

Theseus: *is cuddling the purring second baby qilin* Oh who's a good little deer thing? You are,
yes you are!

Newt: ...What the actual fuck am I looking at.

Theseus: She also apparently got the girl bits. Also why didn't you tell me that some of your
animals were so freaking adorable, I would've come over to your point of view so much faster!

Newt: ...Am I in an alternate universe or something? We're supposed to violently hate each other,
never forget.

Theseus: I forgot. Immediately. But yeah, turns out I can handle animals more easily than I ever
expected to. I did not know I could do it!

Newt: I was telling you over and over and over and over.

Theseus: Yeah but that means I have to pay attention to you.

Newt: Damn it!

Theseus: More to the point, why didn't you fix your hand with magic instead of just bandaging it?

Newt: I have no concept of this concept.

Theseus: Yes, I can see that. *puts the second baby qilin down on some blankets*

Newt: So in my case, next to the dittany—

Theseus: Would dittany not fix this on its own?

Newt: Probably, actually, but I need you to get the crushed yerba leaves, there's a bit less of a
sting.

Pickett: I am Groot!

Newt: Did you actually hurt your hand or are you just copying me.

Pickett: *shrugs* I am Groot.

Newt: Fine, be that way.

Theseus: *places the case on the armchair and starts fishing around in the top of the case* Eurgh,
doxies, that's why I don't like this kind of shit. Also it has been some time since I swung by, hasn't
it. *opens the curtains*
Newt: *hisses and flinches away* It burns! It burns us! It freezes!

Theseus: Oh get over it. *takes off the bandage* Dude, are you missing, like, whole chunks of
flesh!?

Newt: Looks like.

Theseus: That looks very worse. So just shake a few of the leaves on it, or what?

Newt: Basically.

Theseus: If you say so. *does it*

Wound: *starts to heal*

Theseus: ...It's sizzling.

Newt: *through gritted teeth* I'd prefer to say it's fizzing.

Theseus: And this is less painful than dittany.

Newt: Substantially!

Hand: *now looks considerably older*

Theseus: Still gonna put a new bandage on.

Newt: I'd appreciate that, it still smarts a bit. So why're you here, anyway?

Theseus: Well, Leta was five years ago now, and our relationship has visibly improved since for
the most part, but I admit that I still might not have bothered to come and visit you personally had
Dumbledore not asked me to. Also does that man ever give a straight fucking answer?

Newt: I don't think he's entirely capable of it, no. Whereas I just prefer to clam up if I don't want to
talk about something. Like I'm doing right now!

Theseus: I had noticed, yes.

Newt: Well, you know how Dumbledore is.

Theseus: He's full of secrets.

Peter Griffin: Oh that's why they call it that.

Theseus: So I'm not completely fucking stupid, I know that's a qilin.

Newt: N-No, she's a deer from Nara, they're a bit different—

Theseus: She's a qilin, Newt.

Newt: No she's not.

Theseus: Yes she is.

Newt: No she's not.

Theseus: Yes she is.

Newt: No she's not.

Theseus: Yes she is.

Newt: No she's not.

Theseus: Yes she is.

Newt: No she's not.

Theseus: Yes she is.

Newt: No she's not.

Theseus: No she's not.

Newt: Yes she is.

Theseus: All right, yes she is.

Newt: *screams in frustration*

Theseus: Ha! Your arse just got Looney Tuned! So what's with the secrecy?

Newt: Qilins are incredibly endangered. And that is all I feel like telling you. So if you wouldn't
mind keeping her a secret yourself and just shutting the absolute fuck up about it—

Theseus: Fine, I get the message.

Newt: ...That being said, how'd you calm her down, 'cause I was on that hammock to get a bit of a
respite.

Theseus: Have you tried singing? You've got a great voice, Newt.

Newt: Sure, but...Wait, you sang?

Theseus: Mm. Remember the one Mum used to sing about the Muggle who fell down the well?

Newt: Try singing it, maybe it'll come back to me.

Theseus: M'kay. *starts singing and I was too lazy to try to fuck with the lyrics this time*
There was an old Muggle
Who fell down the well

Newt:
But along came a witch
Who did do him a spell

Theseus and Newt:

When the Muggle awoke
He said “Dear woman, do tell
Is it heaven I'm in
Or have I gone straight to—”

Second baby qilin: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD IN A KIDS' MOVIE.

Theseus: Oh come off it, if you can say it in Sleeping Beauty you can say it in this. Also in
retrospect Dad might've sung it when he was drunk off Dragon Scale.

Newt: Okay but that's actually fucking awesome, they do not like humans normally. I didn't think
you had it in you. What with you being an incompetent sack of shit.

Theseus: *shoots a glare at him* Regardless of all the shit that is being shat, she likes you, too,
though, right?

Newt: I mean, obviously.

Theseus: Well there you have it. As everyone knows, goodness and evilness run in families; one
member can be exactly like another member, that's always how it works.

Newt: ...Sure, Jan.

~And now we're actually at Nurmengard, with the film not giving us a location card and just
expecting us to remember it from the previous movie.~

Grindelwald: *comes out of a side door that's way too plain to be the main entrance of this
gargantuan castle*

Aurelius: *comes forward, holding a sack in their arms*

Like five other people: *apparate in behind them*

Grindelwald: Excuse me. Could you fuck off, please.

Like five other people: M'kay. *go inside*

Grindelwald: You did a good job fucking off. *approaches Aurelius* Lemme see, lemme see,
lemme see!

Aurelius: *holds up the baby qilin which is now completely out of the sack* Really hope I'm
holding it by the scruff of its neck and not its fucking throat, I feel like I've chokeslammed enough
people.

Grindelwald: Ah but this isn't a person. *gathers the qilin in his arms*

Aurelius: So what the fuck is this thing.

Grindelwald: It's a thing that basically picks the next world leader for our entire underground
society, kind of like a living sorting hat. It's a borderline sacred ceremony that hasn't even been
employed in centuries.

Aurelius: And we're just going to abuse it?

Grindelwald: Oh, maliciously!

Aurelius: Bitching, how we do.

Grindelwald: Hang on, I was assigning her female at almost her literal birth. Congrats on not
fucking up her kidnapping. *places a hand on their cheek*

Aurelius: *covers his hand with their own* ...Am I doing this because I'm so desperate for human
contact that I'm reciprocating as best I know how or do I want you to let me the fuck go.

Grindelwald: It's not a hundred percent clear. Anyway, go take a nap, I'll get shit ready for later.

Aurelius: Thanks, I'm exhausted...Seem to be getting tired a lot more easily, lately...

Grindelwald: I'm sure you're fine. *cuddles the qilin as Aurelius goes inside*

Queenie: *is watching them from a window* You can tell I'm evil now because I've gone from
strawberry blond to platinum blond.

Grindelwald: *puts the qilin down*

Baby qilin: *turns away*

Grindelwald: Oh please? *tries to turn her head back toward him*

Baby qilin: Nah, dude.

Grindelwald: ...Is it because of the genocide and the desire for world domination?

Baby qilin: Actually it's because you cheated on your arithmancy test back in your fourth year, but
that other stuff sure as shit didn't help.

Grindelwald: Fine, fine, I'll figure something else out. *cuddles the qilin close to his chest again
and starts singing softly*
See the sunset
The day is ending
Let that yawn out
There's no pretending
And I will hold you
And protect you
So let love hold you
Till the morning

Baby qilin: The fuck do you remember all this shit.

Grindelwald: My balls are always tingling with pent-up video game quotes.

Queenie: Still watching! You'd think that I'd have more of a role in this than to stand around and
regret my life choices but you'd be wrong.

Grindelwald: See, we had to established that you were a girl qilin before you died to make it extra
sad when I killed you, because we all know that it's sadder when a female dies because they will
always be weaker than males due to their biological disadvantage making them eternal victims with
no way to break the cycle. *slices the qilin's throat*

Queenie: ...Pretty sure it'd be sad anyway because you killed a newborn baby deer! Which, fuck,
did you really have to establish that you're a villain that badly!?

Grindelwald: Bitch you are obsessed with JoJo, Dio beat and killed a dog in the first fucking
episode.

Queenie: Yeah, and JoJo is meant to be over-the-top while this is somehow meant to be played
straight. I don't even think you're gonna get much emotional reaction from the audience besides
eyerolling at the obvious trope, again. The worst reaction you might get is for the kids in the
audience whose parents took them because HP was for kids so why shouldn't this be as well, and
then the first couple things that happen is that two Fantastic Beasts™ die immediately, well done.

Grindelwald: Hang on, can't believe it took this long to actually bleed out. *places the dead qilin
in her own pool of blood*

Queenie: ...Can I ask why, at least?

Grindelwald: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE! *sees Dumbledore staring at the blood pact with Newt
and Theseus walking into Hogsmeade*

Queenie: ...And you needed to kill an animal to do that? What happened to the skull bong?

Grindelwald: Leta blew it up last film.

Queenie: Ah, forgot about that. But I thought you were a seer, why do you need reflections now?

Grindelwald: To communicate this type of shit to a viewing audience.

Queenie: That's so awful. That's so—I hate it. I hate it. That's the best. That's the greatest, I love it.
Also how are we having this entire conversation while you're out in the courtyard and I'm still
inside.

Grindelwald: Don't ask me, you're the one who started talking.

~Buckle up, idiots. It's time for you to get sick of this shit.~
 CAN YOU TELL THAT I HATE THIS MOVIE'S ENTIRE PREMISE
Chapter Notes

If you're wondering why this chapter is so long it's because I want to be DONE:
Super Best Friends Play, Hercules, Castle Super Beast, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy
Fandub Spoof Series Show, Gladiator, Avengers: Infinity War, PatStaresAt, Hellsing
Ultimate Abridged, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Robin Hood, Pushing Daisies,
Guardians of the Galaxy, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, and anything under the Harry
Potter umbrella.

~Hey look, it's Hogsmeade! A recognizable location! Is your nostalgia sated yet!? It better be!
What else can we possibly do to make you happy other than actually tell a good and fun story (and
also maybe not have been created by a horrific bigot)!?~

Wanted posted: Yo, you seen this dude? He looks a bit different now, we had to update our shit.

Theseus: Why am I here. No one told me anything—

Newt: No one tells you anything! To my knowledge, I'm the only person who talks to you! You're
like the Ralph Wiggum of real life. Turn around for two seconds, catch you eating glue and
crayons.

Theseus: ...You know, this is getting a little too personal.

Newt: Look, we needed recognizable characters from the previous film, and since we apparently
get along now on account of us bonding over the death of a mutual loved one, as that was Leta's
only reason for existing, I figured you could tag along.

Theseus: Thank you, Newt. You're a fantastic copilot, even if I shit on your face a lot.

Newt: *enters the Hog's Head* Huh, more crowded than it ever was in the main series, wonder
what happened.

Aberforth: I probably got grumpier. *wipes a mirror* HEY YOU KNOW HOW I WAS KNOWN
FOR USING A MAGIC MIRROR IN THE LAST BOOK/FILMS!? I WONDER WHAT MY ROLE
WILL BE IN THIS ONE! Also you here for my brother or what.

Newt: No, actually, we're here to see Albus Dumbledore.

Aberforth: That's what I fucking said.

Newt: ...Didn't know he had a brother.

Aberforth: We prefer to keep it on the down-low.

Newt: Then why did you just yell it for the whole pub to hear.

Aberforth: One should never come to this establishment if they want to keep things secret.
Newt: ...Not sure why you'd allow that, and I'm not sure why you would use it as a point of pride.
Especially since we're here for what's meant to be a secret meeting with your brother—

Aberforth: I'm happily willing to listen to people's complaints. And ignore them. Now get on with
the scene so you can get out of my face.

Theseus: ...He seems lovely.

Newt: Doesn't he just. *goes up the stairs with Theseus*

Aberforth: I AM STILL CLEANING THIS MIRROR I WONDER IF THIS WILL HAVE ANY
CONSEQUENCES CONCERNING FUTURE EVENTS.

Dumbledore: YOU ARE IN MY GUEST ROOM THING NOW. But don't tell anyone I was here.
I'm a spooky magic man!

Newt: Literally everyone downstairs knows you're here but go off.

Dumbledore: Theseus, have you figured out why you're in the film yet?

Theseus: I figure it's 'cause my actor needed a paycheck.

Dumbledore: It is what you thought because that was a good thing to think. *laughs* If you knew
it was only because you're a vaguely recognizable face, you probably wouldn't have come.

Newt: SO! All that secret shit I've been keeping from you? Dumbledore's allowed me to loop you
in.

Theseus: I understand. I over-stand.

Newt: Yeah so he's got a proposal for you.

Theseus: Oh. Um, listen, I know it's been a few years since Leta, but I really prefer to know
someone before I go so far as to marry them—

Dumbledore: No not like that. I told Newt before, I don't date former students.

Theseus: Oh! Sorry, misread that completely.

Dumbledore: It's fine. *dangles the blood pact* Check this shit out.

Theseus: Yo is that a blood pact?

Dumbledore: Hell yeah!

Theseus: Sick! Whose is it?

Dumbledore: Er, mine. *beat* And Grindelwald's.

Theseus: Ah, so you and Grindelwald are bitter rivals.

Dumbledore: Um...It depends. Do bitter rivals like to do sex with each other?

Theseus: *stares at the blood pact and then at Newt* You know about this shit?
Newt: He told me at the end of the previous film. It wasn't my place to out him like that.

Theseus: That...is more than fair. And it does explain your behavior back when Travers confronted
you about being a pussy. 'Course, what it doesn't explain is why the ever-living fuck you'd do such
a stupid thing.

Dumbledore: *shrugs* People always do crazy things when they're in love.

Theseus: ...Well, we all knew it, but now we know. It. More. I fucked that up.

Dumbledore: See, I only wanted to...well, essentially rule the world. Which I know sounds quite
bad, I get that. But we were both so much smarter than most everyone around us, and while I didn't
see Muggles as lesser, necessarily, I did think that being magical made us superior. Which is
probably the same thing but you can justify it to yourself when you're a teenager. Basically I was
thinking in terms of normal people are normal but when you add superpowers to the mix you get
superheroes. And what would be so wrong about a superhero leading the world? The Green Arrow
was also the fucking mayor of a whole-ass city and that's the only example I can think of right now
because I just finished a massive CW superhero marathon; I just wanted me and Gellert to be
several steps above that. Side by side. Possibly as husbands.

Newt: That...is a really adorable image in concept, actually.

Dumbledore: Right!? But then he had to go all genocidal on me and truly started seeing lesser
beings as basically livestock and literally everyone but himself as a tool to be used, which most
likely applied to me as well. So probably I broke it off with him because of that. Or when my sister
died, whichever. Except for the part where this little piece of shit right here makes it so that I still
technically have to be all-in on this plan even if it's by standing by and doing nothing while he
continues with it.

Theseus: Cool, so what happens if you attack him anyway?

Dumbledore: Er...content warning for self-harm? I guess? 'Cause I know exactly what's gonna
happen and it's gonna fucking hurt like a bitch but I guess I have to show both you and the
audience so you get why I can't do shit?

Newt: That's a good point, maybe we should just take your word for it—

Theseus: Nope, he said he was gonna do it so he should do it.

Dumbledore: Perhaps inviting you was a mistake after all. *holds up the blood pact* ...Honestly I
really do dig the design. Were this not irrevocably tainted – and also a better film – I could
genuinely see people buying replicas of these for their SOs. *beat* I shall now think about kicking
Gellert in the dick.

Blood pact: *turns red, separates from the chain which is still attached to Dumbledore's hand, and
slams into the wall where it starts scratching its way up*

Chain: *is digging into Dumbledore's flesh*

Newt: Okay, you can stop now—

Blood pact: *is carving into the stone of the wall*

Dumbledore: *to Theseus* ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?

Newt: You are giving me so much anxiety!

Dumbledore: Ah, get over it. Oh good, now the chain's grown to the point where it's choking me,
that's lovely.

Newt: Picture Grindelwald with a giant bag of ice on his crotch!

Dumbledore: Oh, that's a good idea, thanks.

Blood pact: *flies back into his hand, the stone turning white and the chain going lax*

Dumbledore: And that was just from me wishing bodily harm. Imagine what it would do to me if
I wanted to kill him.

Theseus: Then how has Grindelwald been plotting your death all this time.

Dumbledore: Simple loophole: we can picture other people taking each other out all we want.
Maybe. It's a headcanon that I had to come up with in order to justify Gellert loudly wishing that
other people would kill me in almost every other line he spoke last film.

Theseus: Oh that is clever.

Dumbledore: It's a simple spell but quite unbreakable. Believe me, I've been trying for five years.
Oh hey, the portrait of my sister's still here, look at that.

Theseus: So where does the qilin come in to any of this.

Dumbledore: Dude.

Newt: He promised he wouldn't tell anyone! I know that scene was deleted so just trust me on this!

Dumbledore: *sighs and rubs his temples* Okay. Okay, the qilin is essentially a living
MacGuffin. The world as we know it is coming undone.

Theseus: … *stares in 2023* I noticed.

Dumbledore: It's being pulled apart with hate, bigotry...

Theseus: Yeah I noticed. And absolutely none of it has been amplified a thousand fold by any
children's authors, now has it.

Dumbledore: Things that seem unimaginable today will seem inevitable tomorrow.

Theseus: I NOTICED THIS, YES.

Newt: Professor, if I may: you're taking absolutely no responsibility for the fact that if Grindelwald
hadn't been given a substantial platform in which to spew his views, maybe some of this would've
been downplayed. Stopping Nazis from rioting doesn't make more Nazis; letting them do so
without consequence shows others that they can also act without consequence and makes them
think – often correctly because of behavior like yours in the previous film – that no one will stop
them in the future. If one random hero had just gone up and punched Grindelwald in the face
during an interview, he might be a broke laughingstock by now and we all could've taken a short
breath. Deplatforming works and the fact that you were so insistent on letting Grindelwald keep his
platform is why we're stuck with this shit now.

Dumbledore: *holds up his hands placatingly* Listen, lads. We may have ruined our society here.

Theseus: That we have. Now can you back up just a touch, we're filming during COVID.

Dumbledore: When is anyone not filming during COVID anymore.

Theseus: Granted.

Dumbledore: If you're gonna be on the team, Theseus, then you're gonna have to follow my every
order without question, even if every fiber of your being, of basic common sense, of basic human
decency tells you not to.

Theseus: ...So it'll be like every time anyone ever had to listen to you about anything, then.

Dumbledore: Now you're catching on!

Theseus: … *looks over to Newt* Is there a solution to this?

Newt: Yes there is, and it's half-baked and poorly done! Just like you want it to be!

Theseus: ...Okay, that makes no sense but let's do it.

Newt and Dumbledore: BOO-YAH! *high-five each other*

~I don't feel good, I feel stupid.~

Aurelius: *is washing their hands in the sink* Feel like I'm not doing this enough...Is the fly that's
on my wrist meant to signifying that I'm dying, because sometimes bugs just land on you. Also I
thought my part was minimized, why am I still onscreen this much. *sees Queenie in the mirror*
You here to actively spy on me or what?

Queenie: I mean kinda. He sorta wants to know what you're up to at all times so he can better
concoct his language in order to manipulate you more effectively.

Aurelius: That true for everyone or just me?

Queenie: Everyone, yes, but mostly you. You're...probably not the newest anymore but you may
be the youngest, so I actually don't need to tell him all that much—

Aurelius: But you do tell him shit.

Queenie: ...I kind of have to. See, I'm used to throwing everyone off-balance and making them
uncomfortable by constantly knowing what's going on in everyone's head. I do not have that kind of
power dynamic anymore and it's heavily implied by this scene that I'm just trying to survive in this
group that I feel I can't escape without disastrous harm against my person.

Aurelius: The power dynamic could also be gone because you can't actually read Grindelwald's
mind.

Queenie: I do believe that to be the case. However, we're three movies in and we still haven't
gotten a specific explanation as to how my mind reading shit works. This isn't a book; we need to
show the audience what's going on. Like, we can't even ask JKR what's up on Twitter anymore like
we used to be able to and sometimes have her answer because her feed has become a cesspool of
horrific transphobia, incredibly loud and unacknowledged internalized misogyny, occasional
support of actual Nazis, and an inability to accept any kind of criticism whatsoever to the point
where she's constantly sending her team of lawyers after people with minuscule follower numbers
who very obviously would not be able to afford to fight against her.

Aurelius: Yeah, shit sucks. Now tell me what you see in my mind right now.

Queenie: It's less me reading your mind and more me summing up the end of the previous movie.
You're a Dumbledore – which is true – and the Dumbledores are a really powerful family – which
is also true. You think they abandoned you – which isn't exactly true as they didn't know for sure
that you existed but there were rumors that were never followed up on so the argument could still
be made that that's true. I don't know how a secret brother is a more dirty secret than an illegitimate
child but Grindelwald somehow spun that so you believed him about it. And either I talked to him
about it or I'm seeing a memory of yours where Grindelwald talked to you about Dumbledore
ditching him – so I guess he did initiate the breakup – and therefore you two have something in
common despite you being a relative who never knew him and Grindelwald maybe missing his ex.
In any case, he wants you to murder him because for whatever reason Grindelwald can't do it
himself, I'm not sure I know about the blood pact since we don't know whether or not I can read
his mind.

Aurelius: Good to know. Can this conversation be over now? I would very much like for you to
leave the room, I would like some alone time. You should go check the basement where we're
keeping all the unidentified torsos.

Queenie: Abso-fucking-lutely, I'll get right on that. Just wait for me to add the part where I don't
tell him every little detail about what I read from other people. I probably made a lot of fuckups in
the beginning but I imagine I figured out what to not say over five fucking years. *leaves*

Aurelius: ...I really hope that makes me feel a tiny bit better. *turns to the mirror*

Mirror: *fogs up and letters appear spelling “YO I MAY HAVE FUCKED UP”*

Aurelius: GEE, I WONDER WHO COULD BE COMMUNICATING WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

COULD IT BE THE PERSON WHO WE JUST SAW NOT FIVE MINUTES AGO WIPING A
MIRROR CLEAN!? AND WOULD THAT BE THE SAME PERSON WHO USED MIRROR
MAGIC IN THE MAIN SERIES!? WHAT A MYSTERY THIS IS GONNA TURN OUT TO BE!
*wipes away the fog* ...I look good with the longer hair.

~I went into this movie spoiled as fuck but I'm pretty fucking sure I would've been able to figure
out the mirror shit like instantaneously.~

Jacob: *opens up his bakery* I'm experiencing depression during the Depression! IT'S IRONIC!
*stares into an oven, then notices that the groom figure thing on top of a wedding cake has fallen
the fucketh over* ...Maybe if I'd given any kind of substantial reason for not moving to the UK so
we could actually get hitched and build a life together... *goes to fix it but then does not in fact fix
it*

Bell: *rings*

Jacob: Coming, coming... *goes out to the front* So we're actually not ope...
Queenie: *is wearing the same outfit that she was wearing at the end of the first movie*

Jacob: ...We really should've never been seen again after that masterful finale.

Queenie: Probably not. But what the hell happened to your bakery? There's barely any food, you
ain't got no staff, there ain't a line out the door anymore...

Jacob: Yeah. 'Cause it's the Depression. This probably would've happened even if all that shit with
us hadn't happened. It honestly changes precious little about my life and that has me somewhat
concerned.

Queenie: Would Newt not have kept you flush with occamy eggshells as you're still the one
person in a not great financial situation that he deems deserving of help? That's how the first movie
worked, right?

Jacob: This scene implies that I'm done with magic shit which would unfortunately mean that I
deliberately cut myself off from Newt as well. Which will not be evident when we're both happy to
see each other less than ten minutes from now so I might just be talking out my ass.

Queenie: Surprised you didn't just barge into the MACUSA and demand your memory be wiped
for real this time.

Jacob: Yeah but then I couldn't continue to be the best part of all three movies.

Queenie: And just for that you get a big hug. *holds out her arms*

Jacob: I LIKE BIG HUGS. *willingly goes to her and hugs her*

Queenie: And now for me to fucking lie to you and tell you that everything's gonna be fine.

Jacob: Well it will be for us at least by the end of the movie. *blinks* And now I'm hugging
myself in the middle of my shop which seems to be the only building on the street with its lights
still on and with a big open window where everyone and anyone can see me visibly hallucinating,
that's just fucking great...

Empty bench: *is empty, and so far doesn't have several fucking bars in the middle because it's
more important to spend taxpayer dollars on making homeless people even more miserable rather
than doing anything to actually helps its citizens*

Old-timey fire truck thing: *passes*

Empty bench: *is no longer empty and is now occupied by Eulalie Hicks who had made a cameo
so tiny in the previous movie that people thought she was Picquery again in said previous movie*

Jacob: ...Am I still hallucinating?

Three men dressed like nonmagical people so they must be nonmagical people what other
choice is there: *approach her*

One of them: Hey, baby, you come here often?

Lally: That cannot be your best line.

One of them: Oh come on, we're three men cornering one woman with the implication that there's
nothing she can do to get us to back off, what more do you want!?

Lally: Sadly, most people won't do shit until there's a more tangible threat of violence instead of
just the implication of such.

One of them: All right, all right. What you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for
something called Viagra, and it'll help you go FUCK YOURSELF! *flaps his arms like a fucking
bird*

Jacob: *sees this out the window and sighs* You wanna expect the best from people, and every
day you learn: that is a mistake.

Lally: Ey, that'll do it!

Jacob: *comes out banging a frying pan with a metal spoon* Don't you love how men will only
listen to another man telling him to leave a woman alone, and how there often has to be a threat of
violence involved to actually get him to comply?

Three men dressed like nonmagical people so they must be nonmagical people what other
choice is there: *advance on him now*

One of them: Hey, hey, we're just trying to have a fun night! Nothing wrong with that, right?

Jacob: Yeah well when your intended target is not looking up from their book, that's generally
meant to convey that they're not interested and that you should stop.

One of them: Yes but I'm entitled to female attention, don't ya know.

Jacob: *holds up frying pan* And I'm entitled to know whether or not this might serve as a dildo.
Care to help me find out?

One of them: ...I do not consent to that, no.

Jacob: And she does not consent to your harassment. See how that works now? Building some
empathy?

One of them: ...No, not really, no.

Jacob: Well guess what. All three of you are way taller than me and I'm all on my own, and yet
I'm still willing for you to take a swing at me first because I have so little fucks to give. And you do
not want to mess with someone with so little fucks to give.

One of them: ...So do we actually punch him or do we get our wands out for this part—

Lally: And we're done. *petrifies him*

Jacob: *sees the wand now pointed at him since the first man is down, drops his frying pan, and
backs up slightly*

One of them: YOU OWE ME TWENTY-FIVE DRAGOTS AND YOU BETTER NOT
FUCKING FORGET IT, YOU BITCH!

Lally: I'll Venmo you later. Thanks for the intro, now all three of you piss off.
Another one of them: We still on for Befuddler Dudley later?

Lally: ...Absolutely not, not only does that sound way too stupid and whimsical even for this series,
it also sounds far too British, who the fuck needs that type o' crap.

Another one of them: Well, had to try. Later, Lally!

Lally: Bye, Cousin! *turns to Jacob* Yeah, we're magic.

Jacob: Yeah I got that. See ya. *picks up his frying pan and turns to go back inside*

Lally: But I haven't even said what I wanted yet!

Jacob: You know I actually went to therapy 'cause o' you people? In the thirties? And since it was
a No-Maj therapist I got gaslit and had to tap out 'cause I was just wasting money at that point?
Money that I sorely needed as this is the Depression!? *enters the bakery and closes the door*

Lally: *had already apparated in and is eating a cinnamon bun* Did ya forget we can teleport?

Jacob: ...You're paying for that.

Lally: I don't carry No-Maj money.

Jacob: I figured. Now, you seem cool, your accent sounds weird and over-the-top but I'm sure it's
charming, now please get the fuck out of my store, I cannot deal with you people anymore. *beat*
And by you people I meant magic people, not black people.

Lally: No I knew what you meant.

Jacob: Good, now get out.

Lally: … *tosses the cinnamon bun over her shoulder*

Jacob: ...You're cleaning that up.

Lally: No I'm not.

Jacob: Of course you're not. *exits the store*

Lally: HANG ON, I HAVE TO SUM UP YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN THE PREVIOUS TWO
MOVIES!

Jacob: *is hastily walking away* FUCKING WHY, WE DIDN'T DO THAT LAST MOVIE AND
NO ONE LIKES IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT! FUCKING MARVEL MOVIES DON'T EVEN
BOTHER DOING THAT, CAPTAIN MARVEL WAS JUST THERE IN ENDGAME, IF YOU
DIDN'T WATCH THE POST-CREDITS OF HER MOVIE YOU WERE FUCKED!

Lally: BUT I NEED TO EXPLAIN YOUR CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS SO YOU'LL

EVENTUALLY JOIN ME SO WE CAN FIGHT AGAINST GRINDELWALD AND YOUR
NAZI EX-GIRLFRIEND!

Jacob: THEN MAYBE DON'T CALL MY EX-GIRLFRIEND A NAZI! *sits down on the bench*
And maybe don't fucking lie and say that the first movie took place a little over a year ago, that
was 1926 and every reference I can find says that this takes place in '32. Apart from IMDB which
says '37 for some reason but that's the only one so I'm ignoring it.

Lally: And here I thought Steve Kloves's involvement would help JKR's lack of math skills. *sits
on the bench as well* Also Queenie's working for Wizard Hitler now, what the fuck else am I
supposed to call her.

Jacob: Is the insanity defense a thing yet?

Lally: Uh... *googles it* Looks like.

Jacob: Then we're good. 'Cause she's a total sweetheart that just fell for a scam, it's not her fault.

Lally: Well maybe. And I don't know if my judgmental look from earlier about you refusing to
marry her is me judging her for joining the Nazis over something so superficially stupid or me
judging you for refusing to do something so simple for no clear reason.

Jacob: How 'bout we're both dumb.

Lally: Which is why you're perfect for each other.

Jacob: And we also have to reestablish that she can read minds—

Lally: —further making her joining Grindelwald all the more perplexing as shouldn't she have
been able to read his mind as well and know that his true intentions were very much not great?

Jacob: Hey, he could've been using occlumency/thinking in a different language!

Lally: Sure. But we aren't told that.

Jacob: I know... *stands up again and knocks his hand against the frying pan that he's still
holding* You see this? See the pan? It's a metaphor for my life. Now I know that non-stick shit
won't be invented for another six years, but everyone wants that no matter how cancerous it is, and
that's the metaphor for magic now I guess, I don't know, it's a bad analogy, I don't know where I
was going with this. My point is that whatever you need done, it can be done by someone more
important and useful than me. *turns to go back inside*

Lally: See, shit like this right here is exactly why it would have been so much more meaningful if
the qilin bowed to you at the end of the movie. This was, like, intensely foreshadowed right from
this moment if not earlier, and would've actually justified your continued presence in this series
besides you being oftentimes the only tolerable part about it. Like, Newt barely has a purpose other
than to crab-walk and help a magic deer give birth before taking a nap on her corpse; really, it's you
who should've been the main character of, if not this one, the entire series. Which would also lend
some justification to you still being in it as well. But, for at least this moment, you willingly stuck
your neck out for me when those three men were “attacking” me. You were willing to put yourself
in danger to save a perfect stranger. *giggles* I made a rhyme!

Jacob: I noticed. Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?

Lally: Yes. See, while you're right that a lot of people would try to help a stranger in need, there
are even more people who would mind their own business or expect someone else to step in so
they wouldn't have to. And I had to put on that elaborate show to see if you were the former.
Which, I don't know if you noticed, but you are. And the world needs more of that. So do you want
to come along and be a positive role model for those still bothering with this series or not.
Jacob: Not. Already told you. Now fuck off the edge of my dick.

Lally: I implore you to reconsider.

Jacob: Hmm. Okay! Hey, my theme music from the first movie's back, haven't heard that in a
minute! I'm Jacob.

Lally: I'm Lally. *shakes his hand*

Jacob: I will not remember that once I'm done watching this.

Lally: That's okay, no one will.

Jacob: Just gimme a few seconds to lock up—

Lally: Or I can do that with magic. And also transfigure your apron into a fancy suit.

Jacob: Thanks, I guess?

Lally: LOOK I CAN MAKE THE BOOK FLOAT!

Jacob: Good thing this street is deserted maybe and there's no one looking out a window at exactly
the wrong moment! *allows Lally to take his arm*

Lally: *touches the book which has all of the pages burst out and swirl around them* I believe you
know how this works, Jacob.

Jacob: Not really, Newt had to step into the bucket for some reason—WHOA! *is sucked up into
the book by Lally as they presumably portkey away, leaving only a few loose pages behind*

~...Does that happen every time a book is used as a portkey? And I thought portkeys were
supposed to be trash/overlooked items, who the fuck would use a book as one to begin with?~

What is supposed to be the German countryside: *exists, once again without a location card,
meaning that I once again had to completely legally access the fucking script in order to know any
better*

Train: *also exists because of course it does, even if it's not the Hogwarts Express specifically we
still need some kind of visual callback or what are any of us doing here*

Yusuf: I HAVE A MOUSTACHE NOW.

Audience: ...OH RIGHT, dude who did the exposition dump everyone hated last movie, got it.

Daily Prophet: Who will triumph? Liu or Santos? And will we have any kind of in-depth article,
interview, debate, etc. on what exactly their policies and positions are so that we might actually
want to root for one of them over the other? Like, I get that the whole thing behind this is that we
want to vote for someone other than Wizard Hitler, but what if one of these two is even worse
somehow? Is this in fact a Vote Blue No Matter Who situation but our other two choices are
Manchin and Sinema, people need details so that they can actually pick a least worst option!
*beat* Also Grindelwald's still wanted with a 5000 galleon reward, we've updated all of the wanted
posters accordingly with his new visage. Again.

Newt: So who's Britain's money on?

Theseus: We're trying not to take an actual position as no one from Britain is actually in the
running. But Santos. And...Not entirely sure if Vogel's the current one or if he's trying to set
himself up as a third party candidate. Whatever the other two parties are.

Yusuf: I'm worried that somehow Grindelwald's gonna be on the ticket.

Theseus: *condescendingly* That's not going to happen, Kama, stop overreacting.

Yusuf: I can't wait for you to never apologize or even acknowledge this moment once my fears are
realized.

Jacob: *pops out of the fireplace* FLOO POWDER AND PORTKEYS ARE MEANT TO BE
TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY.

Newt: HEY, BEST BUDDY! *tackles him in a hug*

Jacob: ...This is new. Not a complaint, just a surprise!

Newt: I knew that this new person that you've never met before would be far better at convincing
you to become a main character again than literally me, one of your closest friends hopefully!

Jacob: Actually if you'd approached me first I probably would've agreed to come from the start,
we're not made aware of any kind of falling out or anything and I'm certainly not pissed to see you
—

Lally: *pops out of the port-floo* HI SCAMANDER!

Newt: HI PROFESSOR HICKS!

Newt and Lally: *burst into song*

Newt and Lally, Newt and Lally
Golly what a day, HEY!
*double high-five each other*

Newt: I have been writing this woman for ages and we've only just met now. Everyone read her
charms book, it's not just a thing where a professor at a school mandates that you buy their
textbook to boost their own sales, it's actually good and also fairly entertaining.

Lally: Hey can we talk about Fantastic Beasts for a hot second?

Newt: What, and remind people what this film should actually be about instead of what it is?

Lally: That, and it honestly feels like your textbook is missing a fair amount of detail and some
aspects are just plain wrong. Like certain elements are missing or entire descriptions desperately
need revising, as if reprints in order to boost your own sales are being planned for the twenty-first
century. Or as if it was always meant to be a joke textbook written for charity and nothing about
you or any of this had been even close to conceived yet.

Newt: OKAY everyone's here so I should introduce everyone. Mainly for the audience as they've
been wondering who the absolute fuck Bunty is for nearly four years now. *points at Bunty* This
is Bunty Broadacre, she's been my assistant for forever, and that is literally all the detail I'm going
to give you.
Bunty: Yaaaay! I've been freed from the dumpster by the man whistle! Now, how are the two
nifflers on my shoulder not wreaking all of the havoc. Also, the facts are these: I've actually been
working for you for eight years, one hundred sixty-four days, three hours, and nineteen minutes.

Newt: No one cares.

Lally: You wanna fuck him, don't you.

Bunty: YES.

Newt: You say something?

Bunty: No...

Lally: SHE WANTS YOUR SWEET GAM-GAMS.

Newt: I don't know if they stock those in Honeydukes.

Lally: I...I'm gonna...punch your face.

Newt: And over in the corner here—

Lally: I'm gonna kill you.

Newt: —is someone else from the second film that people often struggle to remember—

Yusuf: Please do punch his face and/or kill him, we could do with some actual entertainment
around here. Name's Yusuf Kama. I will be genuinely surprised if people remember me after this
film as well.

Jacob: Dude I barely remember Theseus.

Theseus: Oi!

Newt: Jacob you've all met, so...think we're done!

Theseus: ...Oi.

Newt: Oh. Right. I have a brother. He exists.

Theseus: Cheers. Theseus Scamander, chief of the British wizard cops.

Lally: *takes a visible step back*

Theseus: Oh enough of that, I can't be racist, my dead fiancée was black.

Lally: Really not helping your case.

Newt: AND PLOT. Let's get to it. *goes to the back of the car* ...Fuck, I just realized that I have to
give a public presentation.

Bunty: I'LL BE YOUR MORAL SUPPORT! *hurries to sit down*

Newt: Appreciate that.

Pickett: *pokes his head out of Newt's pocket* I am Groot.

Yusuf: I am also worried about cringe.

Jacob: *heads behind the bar, tucking the frying pan under his arm*

Newt: ...Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to go over some plot bullshit that no one cares
about.

Yusuf: Oh hey, right in my wheelhouse.

Newt: Except yours was an info-dump at the end of a film, whereas this will be a shitty not-heist
that makes up most of it.

Theseus: Man, can I just...give up and get a dog?

Newt: The main issue we'll be facing is that Grindlewald is kind of a seer. HE CAN SEE THE
FUTURE!

Jacob: Of course that's a thing...

Newt: Bits of it anyway, and only in reflections for the sake of being visible in a film, and often it's
really more of showing the present so it can transition to whatever we're doing in that moment.
Still, on the off-chance that he can actually predict what we're doing, we need to try and be
unpredictable.

Jacob: Mm-hmm, and that worked so well with Dougal.

Newt: Who?

Jacob: ...Dougal? The demiguise?

Newt: I don't know what you mean.

Bunty: Nor me, I've not seen that one.

Jacob: Well he's a demiguise so he's usually invisible.

Newt: Still unclear as to what you're talking about.

Lally: Have you forgotten that this series is meant to actually be about the Fantastic Beasts™?

Newt: Evidently so. Anyway, our roles in this film are summed up thus: There's no real plan and
no one knows what they're doing.

Theseus: Oh yay!

Newt: Really?

Theseus: No!

Jacob: ... I have several questions.

Newt: I may have no answers.

Yusuf: It's real simple. We gotta basically not tell each other what any of the actual plan is—

Lally: —or have several overlapping plans that we don't tell each other about and that we barely
understand ourselves! It's as easy as childbirth!

Newt: Now you're catching on!

Jacob: So you're of the opinion that in no way will this impede my visual sensation of progress and
nor will it kind of grind the pacing to a screeching halt due to a lack of motivation because of the
lack of sense of direction?

Newt: Exactly! So what don't you get about the thing that you get?

Jacob: I'll tell you. Here's the problem with this attempt at a heist movie. If we know at least part
of the plan, then we'd actually be able to feel some of the tension and sense of impending failure,
and then the audience would feel that failure along with us if and when something doesn't go
according to plan. You know, the actual appeal of heist movies? Being that you know the stakes
and are waiting for the inevitable fuck-up? You get told ninety percent of the plan, you watch it
get executed, you know when, where, and how there's a likelihood of a fuck-up, and there's still
potential for a twist at the end that feels like an ass pull but it turned out it was baked in the entire
time. Which is why I've seen people use Oceans Eleven as a fucking verb, because it's a solid and
recognizable formula that fucking works. *waves around the frying pan in annoyance* And I've got
an even better example that's more relevant to our interests! The best selling heist movie of all time
probably is Avengers Fucking Endgame, where we got to watch characters that we care about
actually lay out the plan, execute said plan, manage to make up the difference in a way we could
understand when things went awry, and then had that satisfaction along with the cast when shit
managed to work itself out all according to keikaku in the end! And this movie offers none of that
satisfaction on account of we only just met Lally this film – imagine if we'd never met Scott Lang
until Endgame, what kind of shit would that make!?

Newt: Bro do you want a fake wand or not.

Jacob: ...I will the shut up, yes. *instantly puts down the frying pan*

Lally: Damn it, I was looking forward to you beating people to shit with that thing.

Jacob: Shut the fuck up I'm getting my own wand.

Newt: Snakewood! Which is not on the list of Ollivander approved woods but neither was
mahogany!

Jacob: Is this for real!?

Newt: Not really, it's just a stick carved to look like a wand I think maybe, but it's good for
pretending and you'll need it to blend in. Sort of. Not really. Honestly I think it was for the trailer to
get butts in seats for the few people who still care to find out if you were one of those rare types
who got magic later in life that JKR once teased but then never actually showed.

Jacob: It's cool, I'll just pretend I got it at the theme park! In 2017! And then never got rid of it
because a) that shit was expensive so I can't justify trashing it as the money's already spent anyway
and b) the Sirius Black replica has been ribbed for one's pleasure and is therefore far and away the
best back scratcher I've ever had!
Newt: Nice justification. Yo Theseus, want a present?

Theseus: Eh, why not.

Newt: Good—Teddy, gimme. Teddy, come on, I know you're excited to finally have a name after
three fucking films of just being called “the niffler” but you gotta – yes, I know it's the same as
another named character in this franchise which is rare – just give me the fucking tie. *wrenches so
hard that Teddy goes flying through the air and Jacob just barely catches it ass first*

Jacob: ...This the same niffler or one of the baby ones from the last movie all growed up.

Newt: It's not a hundred percent clear. *hands Theseus a tie with a shiny phoenix logo on it* Still
don't know why wizards would need ties but there you go.

Theseus: ...Dumbledore's habit of frustrating people by giving them mysterious objects and not
explaining what they're for continues, I see.

Newt: Lally, you're Konan from Naruto now, correct? Here, defeat these words with your eyes.

Lally: I mean she went with origami paper and I'm doing book pages but I get what you mean and
I shall indeed.

Newt: Good. Bunty, you're plot relevant now for some reason, so here's this slip of paper for us to
not know about until the finale.

Bunty: Okay. *takes paper and reads it as dramatic music swells and the paper suddenly dissolves
in her hands* ...If I die, I want my body catapulted at the building of a company I don't like.

Newt: You got it.

Jacob: See, this is what I'm talking about. You just ruined the Oceans Eleven moment because you
already know that she's gonna be the trump card. There's no surprise here.

Bunty: No, it's meant to be because I'm so unimportant that I'm actually the most important.

Jacob: I get that that's what JKR was going for but the execution was just...not good.

Newt: Uh-huh, Yusuf—

Yusuf: Do the most confusing part that will seemingly change me irrevocably moreso than any of
the rest of you, got it.

Newt: Good, glad you're onboard.

Jacob: *sighs* Just let me know when Tina gets here, maybe then I'll start to give a shit again.

Newt: Oh no, her role's been minimized greatly. She still has to be in the film – WB contracts and
all that – but it's little more than a couple of cameo appearances.

Jacob: ...See, I get that IRL shit got fucky, but from an in-universe perspective, the fuck could be
so important that she doesn't even appear to want to save her own damn sister anymore? The sister
that she showed so much affection for and camaraderie with in the first movie?

Lally: Oh she's chief of police in America now. Or at least in New York, it's a bigass country.
Which, job promotion as an excuse to not be involved seems like a hell of a cop-out, which it is,
especially since Theseus is also here despite having the same job, but at least we know that she is
definitely handling Queenie's horrific betrayal better than you are.

Jacob: *rubs forehead* Of fucking course she is...And has anyone heard from Nagini at least,
there was so much build-up around her in the lead-up to CoG if nothing else—

Yusuf: No one knows who that is, moving on.

Jacob: ...What a deep and impactful character she turned out to be...

Theseus: So this is really all that the film's gonna be about, is it? A bunch of randos, only two of
which people actually give a damn about and one of which was first introduced all of five minutes
ago, with people clearly here just to fill out the ranks via whichever actors bothered to continue to
show up, with no plan whatsoever and therefore nothing to get excited about.

Jacob: I see you putting your face in your hands because of how stupid this is. Well guess what,
it's really stupid. Take that. *knocks back a gigglewater and laughs*

Theseus: *deep breath* Okay, that makes no sense but let's do it.

~This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the worst. This is the
best.~
 HOW WAS THERE NOT AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
Chapter Notes

Apparently that Galbraith chap has a new book out. Read his first three or four before
tapping out, I forget, but the man cannot write romance to save his fucking life. Like, I
don't like romance that much to begin with, and when it's so unbelievably forced and
bad? Even less reason to bother with it. Also he's evidently a woman masquerading as
a man in order to boost sales. And probably thinks that that's what everyone else is
doing to some extent. It would explain so fucking much, actually.

*does more research and sees it's about how an autistic person gets tricked into joining
a cult* Oh...Oh no...

I'm old enough to remember how betrayed she was when someone she trusted
leaked that it was her using an alias; if there's one conspiracy that I believe, it's
that she herself leaked that in order to sell more copies of the first book at least,
and I believe this because it absolutely worked on me at the time: Beauty and the
Beast, Misfits and Magic, The Simpsons, 50% Off, Super Best Friends Play, Death
Note, Woolie Versus, The Producers, Castle Super Beast, Fantasy High: The Seven,
Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Final Fantasy VIII, and anything
under the Harry Potter umbrella.

~We are sprinting toward the finish line at this point, aren't we.~

Train: *exits a tunnel and pulls into a station*

Baby qilin: *is poking her head out of the case*

Newt: NOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE KEEP QUIET. *closes the case*

Theseus: I am wearing the new tie now. And it makes virtually no change to my original outfit as
all wizards wear Muggle suits.

Newt: My brain's reverting back to childhood again – are those your colors? Were you in
Gryffindor?

Theseus: Fuck if I know.

Lally: *walks over to the window* 1932 Germany. WHAT COULD GO WRONG.

Dude in a hat and long coat outside the train: I am probably magical because the costume
department has sucked balls since Film Three. No I don't give a shit that we won an Oscar for
costume design two films ago.

Theseus: Don't fuck up and die. I'll be really mad if you fuck up and die.

Yusuf: Love you too! *leaves*

Bunty: Gimme case.

Newt: ...No!?

Bunty: Dumbledore says. And you obey everything he wants without question for some reason.

Newt: ...Fuck. *reluctantly lets go of it*

Bunty: What's with the modified Hedwig's Theme. *leaves with the case*

Newt: *watches Yusuf and Bunty literally go their separate ways*

Shot of Berlin: *exists*

Newt: Why does every secret area in the magical world involve casually walking through a brick
wall, can we not have some variety...

Jacob: *follows Newt, Theseus, and Lally through the wall as the bricks almost threaten to crush
him on the way through for the sake of a nonexistent threat* ...This is my life now.

Lally: So it is.

Giant moving posters of Vogel, Liu, and Santos: *exist*

Theseus: Why do I have to point out that this is the German ministry of magic.

Newt: For the benefit of the audience, of course.

Fireworks: *go off*

Theseus: I take it that I'm really only here so I can constantly say things like “I take it” at the
beginning of sentences so that I might exposit to said audience or perhaps have you elaborate on it?

Newt: That does seem to be literally your only purpose besides having another person on hand to
hold the cases at the end of the movie. Also you being kidnapped and me caring enough to save
you supposedly counts as character growth on my part, I think.

Theseus: THAT'S THE TRUEST THING THAT HAS BEEN TOLD TO ME TODAY.

Newt: Now, I have to do my tiny part that will end up having no effect and will change absolutely
nothing. Care to accompany me?

Theseus: We literally have no other choice, so...

Lally: Jacob, the hell're you doing all the way over there?

Jacob: *is staring at a Grindelwald wanted poster* He look different to any of you? I'm not saying
it's a bad change by any stretch...

Newt and Theseus: *wade their way through a loud and angry crowd, with Santos supporters on
one side and Liu supporters on the other, both occasionally sending up color coded fireworks with
their wands...which, if magical people could do that, then what the fuck is the point of the Zonko
or Weasley fireworks*
Lally: ...Oh, I get it, it's because taking too much of one side is actually a horrible thing to do
because centrism is the real way to go, got it. *beat* We do mainly just hear from affluent
politicians and the wizard cops about how we don't want Grindelwald rocking the boat; we don't
hear much from just normal-ass magical people who maybe don't have a fucking government job,
as unlikely as that is. I actually wouldn't mind the New York Ghost doing a profile of some random
half-blood in a diner somewhere to see what they think about all of this, so we could get an
expanded perspective on things in this political drama that doesn't do much to show all the sides of
this conversation, of which you know there's gotta be more than two.

The script: *showcases this as “an exuberant but peaceful display of partisan passion.” Like the
march for trans rights that was happening not very far away from when JKR was having that lovely
little luncheon with all of her TERF friends, aka the moment where I completely gave up on her*

Theseus: HELMUT!

An auror named Helmut apparently: THESEUS, OLD BOY!

Theseus: Mind if I drag along my brother and his mates?

Helmut: Why the hell not, I don't get paid enough to stop ya.

Theseus: Thanks, I'll buy you a drink later!

Helmut: You had better!

Grindelwald's lackeys: *visibly start to invade the crowd*

Rosier: *pushes through the crowd*

Carrow: *catches her eye and lights a Santos flag on fire*

Crowd: …IT SURE WOULD BE NICE IF WE WERE PRIVY TO WHETHER OR NOT THIS
STARTED AN ACTUAL RIOT WITH ACTUAL CASUALTIES, BUT THAT WOULD MEAN
THAT THERE WOULD NEED TO BE CONSEQUENCES – THAT ARE SHOWN
ONSCREEN, NO LESS – AND WE CERTAINLY CAN'T HAVE THAT!

~As we're getting nothing on how the German ministry actually works, I do truly miss the days of
Pottermore where she'd info dump on other countries' forms of magical government; at this point I
do still kinda wanna see the xenophobic trainwreck.~

A magical portrait: *only has the lightning move instead of the people and horses depicted
within, bit odd, that*

One of the floating teapots: There are guests! There are guests! Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!

Another floating teapot: Wine's been poured and thank the lord I've had the napkins freshly
pressed!

Theseus: Okay, let me do my job: Exposit to me, and quickly.

Newt: Kinda just gotta talk to Vogel real quick. And that's basically it.

Theseus: Mm. You okay? You're still slouching considerably, do you have back problems, or...?
Newt: I think I need better sleeping conditions, honestly. And I'd kill for a massage but you know I
don't like taking my clothes off in front of other people.

Theseus: ...I mean if you don't know the spells for it you could probably find someone who can do
magic about it.

Newt: You know, I'd thought about that, but—

Vogel: HI, EVERYBODY!

Everyone: HI, MINISTER! SLASH CURRENT MUGWUMP! IT'S NOT A HUNDRED

PERCENT CLEAR!

Theseus: ...Break a leg, I guess.

Jacob: I am on the verge of having an anxiety attack and I would like to leave now.

Lally: Not very good with high society bullshit?

Jacob: I can barely stand watching them on movies and TV.

Some woman who's apparently called Edith: Well aren't you a fine piece of man-meat?

Jacob: ...I semi-recently had a really bad break-up—

Edith: Oh I'm not looking for anything serious by a long shot.

Jacob: Yeah but I'm still in love with her.

Edith: So we'll make it purely physical, I'm sure she'll understand.

Jacob: …Right. Um... *clears throat* I wonder what Newt and Theseus are up to?

Lally: Why them specifically?

Jacob: It's the best thing I could come up with to segue to the next scene.

Edith and Lally: Ohhh.

Newt: Herr Vogel?

Vogel: Merlin's canceled Hulu account! Mr. Scamander, right?

Newt: I am a textbook author, how am I this famous.

Vogel: I mean I work with Grindelwald and you're a person of interest concerning Aurelius, so.

Newt: Got it. *takes a step forward*

Bodyguards: *block him* Like hell you will, you fucking piece of garbage.

Theseus: *steps up* We're all garbage, lads.

Bodyguards: Well our garbage is beating your garbage!

Theseus: It sure is.

Vogel: Everyone ease up, it's fine.

Newt: I'll be quick, I promise. *whispers to Vogel* Dumbledore says to do what is right, not what
is easy.

Vogel: ...Really? That old line?

Newt: Yep. That is literally all I came here to do, was say that to you. Possibly just for the sake of
having recognizable dialogue in this thing no one cares about.

Vogel: And what about all the young queer magical folk that are desperately staying in the closet
because they don't feel like they are welcome? Would such a powerful and well-recognized figure
such as the great Albus Dumbledore coming out not give them a sense of hope, of representation?
Wouldn't that be the right thing to do, instead of what could arguably be the easy thing of keeping
one's queerness a secret under these circumstances? Would it not be easy for a parent or guardian to
deny a child's pain because it clashes with their limited worldview, or would it be right to actually
fucking listen to people when they say that they're in pain, that you're actively hurting them, and
that you should maybe fucking stop pushing such hateful rhetoric that is LITERALLY GETTING
PEOPLE KILLED!?

Newt: I wouldn't know anything about that.

Vogel: Of course you wouldn't.

Fischer: Can we get the film moving, or...?

Vogel: In a minute! *to Newt* So is he actually here or what?

Newt: Nope!

Vogel: Of course not. Why leave Hogwarts when the world outside is burning.

Newt: ...Dumbledore never leaves Hogwarts while other people are doing the fighting and dying
for him, how are you surprised, this is not new behavior.

Vogel: Touche. I doubt I would've listened anyway, but he definitely fucked up in sending a
messenger instead of himself.

Newt: Yeah I got that impression. *watches Vogel walk away* That did...so much little. So much
little.

Fischer: I am glaring at you directly for some reason. Possibly because I too am all-in with
Grindelwald which makes you a pretty big target.

Newt: Good to know!

Fischer: I AM NOW BANGING MY TEASPOON AGAINST MY TEACUP VERY LOUDLY

AND CONTINUOUSLY TO SIGNIFY THAT YOU SHOULD ALL COME AND SURROUND
US NOW AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO UNTIL ALL OF YOU HAVE ACTUALLY
COME OVER HERE.

Attendees: Merlin's peach mango cannabis-infused gumdrops, we're here, enough!

Fischer: Pussies. *smiles behind her at Vogel before wandering off*

Attendees: WOOOOOOO! LOOK AT THIS SHIT, WE'RE SO HYPE! WE JUST WANNA

TAKE TONS OF DRUGS!

Vogel: Thank you, thank you. I see many faces here tonight! Colleagues, friends, people whose
names I would happily list in my Death Note if I had one...

Attendees: Is anyone still consuming that property, it's been nearly two decades.

Vogel: The rest of this movie will play out over two days or so, so at least most of us won't have to
suffer for too long.

Jacob: Oh, by all means, suffer. That's fine with me.

Vogel: Anyway, apparently the entire wizarding world is meant to be taking place in this vote,
though it seems to me as if only the votes of certain delegates who are at the actual event will be
counted. Which kind of seems like horseshit but I don't make the rules except I probably do. Now,
we're talking about the Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, but
frankly I wouldn't be surprised if you thought that we were just electing the new German minister
for magic as that is what a lot of people thought at first and it was never clarified. *uses CTRL+F
on the script PDF that he accessed completely legally* ...On second thought, the word mugwump
isn't mentioned once in the entire script so I'm not actually sure what we're voting on anymore. Oh
wait, there's a banner, it's for mugwump all right. The hell didn't one person say it once, did Kloves
point out how stupid that word is even by our standards or what. *beat* Eh, who even cares, for I
have far more important news to share! But first, I must acknowledge the two current candidates,
which are Liu Tao—

Liu: I don't have any lines in this movie!

Liu supporters: HURRAH!

Vogel: —and Vicência Santos.

Santos: I actually do have a single spoken line which means not only will I get paid more but will
also probably be the real winner, hooray!

Vogel: It is in moments such as these that we are reminded that it is this peaceful transfer of power
that marks our humanity, and demonstrates to the world that, despite our differences, all voices
deserve to be heard. Unless they're nonmagical. Or goblin. Or house-elf. Or centaur. Or merperson.
Or not fully human despite showing sentience and sapience. Or just aren't at the location at the end
of the film, really.

Theseus: ...Why are there now a fuckton of wizard cops at the exits.

Newt: Because there are a fuckton of political leaders in this room and therefore this whole room is
at high risk of violence and death because of that?

Vogel: All that being said, there are some voices – a silent majority, if you will – that are having a
hard time being heard because they keep being silenced by this terrible cancel culture.

Theseus: Not quite what I meant...

Rosier: Don't mind me, I'm just casually walking around out in the open.

Newt: ...OH, they were at the climax of the last film, right, sorry, fucking forgot due to it being
five years since that happened. Also because the film itself wasn't very memorable; I bodily forced
my best mate to watch it with me and they straight-up forgot that Grindelwald predicted the
Holocaust and we wanted to stop him stopping it.

Theseus: Okay that's mildly hilarious because that's the only thing I remember about that film, and
my damn fiancée died at the end of that scene. And despite this taking place in fucking 1932
Germany I've noticed a distinct lack of callback to that particular moment, even on Grindelwald's
part.

Newt: Probably because Everyone Disliked That to the point that Kloves wrote it out of the movie.

Theseus: I would not be surprised were that the case.

Rosier: If you wanna just throw yourself at some heart palpitations...here you go. *weaves her way
through the guests, looking haughtily over her shoulder as she does so*

Theseus: I am following for some reason, probably because you're super suspicious, though I
wonder why I'm not just pointing you out as a fugitive of justice maybe, since I'm a police chief
from admittedly not this nation.

Newt: Am I also following? It looks like I'm following.

Rosier: Okay now I'm just walking backwards while staring blatantly at you, how do you not
know that this is a trap. What are you, stupid?

Theseus: Yeah?

Vogel: And so, after an extensive investigation that was entirely offscreen because for a political
drama it's actually not all that clear how things work, it has been decided that insufficient evidence
exists to persecute Gellert Grindelwald of the crimes against the Muggle community of which he
was accused.

Newt: ...You are dribbling horse shit right now.

Vogel: Granted he barely committed any crimes last film anyway apart from holding a far-right
rally which we all know is permissible, and for escaping prison I guess but as he was innocent
anyway he can hardly be blamed for that now can he.

Jacob: *stares* ...So I just figured out why Tina's not here. As a chief of police herself, and one
more prone to speaking up and taking action than old Theseus over there, she would've been a
believable material witness to Grindelwald's identity theft and attempted assassination of the
American magical president. I'm almost starting to believe that her part would've been minimized
anyway even if Katherine Waterston wasn't pro trans rights.

Theseus: That's nice, I'm trying to make an arrest over here.

Rosier: Oh no, I'm so worried.

Theseus: I'm seriou— *gets petrified from behind*

Helmut: *stalks forward menacingly and I only know it's still Helmut 'cause I read the script*
Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band.

Rosier: That was spooky.

Helmut: Did you get the big frighten?

Rosier: I got a tiny frighten.

Newt: Theseus? Theseus!

Two aurors: *drag Theseus's body away*

Newt: WHY IS NO ONE STOPPING THE VERY OBVIOUS AND OPEN KIDNAPPING OF
THE BRITISH MAGICAL CHIEF OF POLICE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Lally: *holds him back* Probably because everyone is either on his side or isn't willing to fight
back.

Newt: Like us literally right now?

Lally: Exactly!

Newt: *seethes* An entire room full of people doing absolutely nothing even though everyone but
Jacob has the ability to do something. This really is politics.

Helmut: I mean, you're welcome to try.

Newt: I feel like this should cause some kind of international incident.

Lally: You speak as if there would be actual tangible consequences.

Newt: But this could actually be some decent commentary about how sometimes those in power
do horrible things – like openly kidnap opposing heads of state for no reason – and receive zero
punishment for it because no one is willing to persecute them. Like, we are having a time
with...just all of America, really.

Lally: Yeah but do you really want JKR of all people to be the one making that type of
commentary? I mean, you've heard about her latest book, I seriously doubt that any sensitivity
readers were contacted at any fucking time.

Newt: She's got Kloves helping her out with this film, though, doesn't she!?

Lally: Yeah, but...no. *shoves him backward into the crowd*

Fischer: *follows Vogel out*

Santos: *is herded out by her entourage*

Liu: *isn't moving to leave for some reason*

Jacob: The fact that Grindelwald continues to avoid indefinite incarceration is insanity. And the
fact that our law enforcement cannot put away someone with such a blatant disregard for
conventional criminal functions baffles the mind! I have devoted pages of my dream journal to
theories and speculations on the statistical im—

Lally: You can talk about your dream journal later, right now we have to go.

Jacob: ...Why are deadly teacups flying overhead now.

Lally: I...actually have no fucking idea. *ushers him and Newt out*

Grindelwald's followers: *send up green fireworks because green is still the evil color*

Liu and Santos supporters: ...Guess we didn't riot after all? Also what's this shit now.

Rosier: The hell, it legitimately looks like I didn't move from my spot in this crowd from earlier
even though I just had a whole-ass scene inside.

~Incompetence is the only way things move forward.~

Hogsmeade: ...Well this cut was sudden.

Dumbledore: *is staring at the portrait of Ariana and takes a sip of soup* Fuck this shit's good.

Aberforth: ...

Dumbledore: Her favorite.

Aberforth: …

Dumbledore: Remember how she begged Mother to make it? Ariana?

Aberforth: Yes I know who you're fucking talking about, dipshit.

Dumbledore: Mother claimed that it calmed her. I think she was just dumping Calming Draught
into it, personally—

Aberforth: Why are you talking to me as if I didn't already know all of this?

Dumbledore: It's...It's flavor text, for the audience. So they might have more of a glimpse of what
our family life was like, for the sake of a few extra character traits.

Aberforth: I don't care about what the audience does or doesn't need, I care about the fact that I
already know what you're talking about because I was also there. Everything you saw, I saw.
*beat* The implication is that I probably walked in on you and Grindelwald more than once.

Dumbledore: ...Yeah well you fuck goats.

Aberforth: Look I'm not trying to shame you for being gay, I'm trying to shame you for being gay
for Wizard Hitler.

Dumbledore: And I'm trying to shame you for fucking goats.

McGonagall: Knock knock knock knock.

Aberforth: I WILL COLLABORATE MY FIST WITH YOUR FACE!

McGonagall: Good for you. And I don't know why I'm just continuing to knock instead of
announcing that it's me.

Dumbledore: Eh, I'll get up anyway. *does so and opens the door*

McGonagall: HEY WHAT'S UP SHIT'S BAD.

Dumbledore: OH GREAT.

Aberforth: I will happily ignore this plot re-dump in favor of looking behind me at the mirror.
Gee, I wonder if I'm communicating with Aurelius or something.

McGonagall: Oh, Vogel straight-up is arresting any wizard cops who were there when fellow
wizard cop Leta Lestrange was horrifically burned to death. Which, to be fair, as there was no body
that kind of does mean there's no evidence other than a He-Said-They-Said scenario. Except that
everyone usually believes cops on their word alone so I don't quite understand why that's not
happening in this case.

Mirror: *fogs up* “I have a big sad and would like some sympathy.”

Aberforth: Wish they'd be more specific, but I'll have to answer them back later when my fucking
shitheel of a brother isn't here anymore. Which better be soon, I'm getting sick of this shit, he's got
a whole-ass castle he can stay in.

Dumbledore: WANNA TRY TEACHING DEFENSE?

McGonagall: WHY ARE YOU STILL TEACHING DEFENSE!?

Dumbledore: I HAVE NO IDEA!

McGonagall: Fuck it, I shouldn't be born yet anyway. HI, ABERFORTH!

Aberforth: Please dine on many dicks. Seventeen, perhaps.

McGonagall: No, I think I'll just not do that.

Dumbledore: *closes the door* I'm afraid I'll have to cut our evening short.

Aberforth: Oh no, please, don't go, I'm so desperate for company and I ever so hate it when
people have to cancel plans that involve me.

Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah, you're an introvert, I fucking get it. Also why is the mirror copying out
the lyrics to “One is the Loneliest Number”?

Aberforth: You do not get to be angry with me, you piece of shit. I will eat your larynx.

Dumbledore: … *head tilt* Okay...? *grabs his nonmagical hat and nonmagical coat and leaves*

Aberforth: *stares at the message in the mirror* ...You'd think after this I'd have been more cut up
during Book Seven because once again I'd have to use mirrors to communicate with someone, but
then again that would require a certain someone to stop lying about her having planned out every
last detail ahead of time; I'd mind so much less if she didn't keep claiming that. *beat* Also also
how does literally no one use this magical method of communication across great distances, this is
coming into Scotland from fucking Austria.
~Also also also how did he and his kid come into contact in the first place and exactly how long
have they been at it, this seems like crucial information that we should be privy to.~

Phoenix: *flies over Aurelius's head, still smoldering a little bit*

Aurelius: Feel like you shouldn't be burning unless you're about to die but I guess that might be
the point since I'm also dying. Or it could be phoenix chlamydia, who the hell knows. You can't
get rid of it, it comes back!

Grindelwald: I'm upstairs, staring into a window, seeing a vision of my ex. And that hat does not
become him, when are his clothes going to get more magic-themed and therefore finally suit him.
*stares down at his own outfit* No see it's different when I do it for some reason. *looks back up
and sees an image of Yusuf* I CAN SEE THE FUTURE! Except does this mean he's going to
swing by later like he totally is or does this mean something completely different, this isn't very
informative.

Rosier: DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN CLEARED AND THE PEOPLE FUCKING LOVE YOU! LIKE,
MORE THAN WE THOUGHT! WAY MORE THAN WE THOUGHT!

Grindelwald: Cool. Now get ready for the thing that I honestly thought would've happened by
now, I know I don't know this film as well as the first one but this seems late for some reason.

Rosier: So are we gonna do the thing right now, then?

Grindelwald: Nope, still think Kama's gonna show up tomorrow maybe. Also I just took some
melatonin like five minutes ago, I'll be out soon.

Rosier: Ah.

Phoenix: *flies over Aurelius's head again*

Rosier: Why does it stay with them? Hell, why'd it come to them in the first place? And don't say
the whole legend in the Dumbledore family or whatever the fuck.

Grindelwald: I'm still half-convinced it's Fawkes. Pity we'll never know. *beat* I say pity. I
actually don't much care.

Rosier: Okay but are you sure they can kill Dumbledore?

Grindelwald: Their pain is their power.

Rosier: ...And Dumbledore's pain isn't his?

Grindelwald: Look, I don't want to compare traumas, but Albus never had to somehow survive
multiple cops attempting to murder him all at once during a mental health crisis.

Rosier: Just seems like a really generic-ass line, is all.

Grindelwald: That's because it is!

Rosier: Them's fighting words that I agree with!

~I had to rewrite this section several times until I was happy with it, I should not be putting in this
much effort.~
Office thing: *exists*

Newt, Lally, and Jacob: *are desperately chasing after this one German ministry official*

Newt: Have you seen Theseus, aka the magical chief of police for apparently the entirety of the
UK? He got off his leash and we're afraid he might've gotten hit by a car.

German ministry official: *actually stops* Well we have no record of him being arrested or
kidnapped or however you put it so it must not have happened.

Lally: You do know that the stereotype about German people is that they are orderly as fuck and
keep insanely good records of everything they did? For good reason, especially right around this
time period?

German ministry official: I wonder if I'm not even bothering to respond to you because you are a
visible minority a couple of times over and are also foreign. Or maybe it's just the nonmagical
attire.

Jacob: Wha—You're all wearing nonmagical attire! That's it, we're leav...Those are the ones who
kidnapped your bro, right there! *pushes his way out of the room*

Newt and Lally: *follow him*

Two of probably Grindelwald's followers: *continue to ignore them and walk briskly down the
corridor*

Jacob: I feel like any of us should start running at any point! I also know that it would cause a
scene to cast a spell to make them stop in a place like this but that's never stopped you before,
Newt, so what the fuck!

Helmut: Oh hey look it was me. And none of you are a threat so why should I bother stopping my
evil brisk walk.

Jacob: Probably because we are also traveling at a slightly brisker walk as opposed to even a
quick jog, what the fuck is wrong with us, this is heavily decreasing the sense of urgency that we're
supposed to be feeling.

Helmut: Well, I've gotta go...not talk to you anymore. *goes far enough down a corridor that a
wall descends in front of Newt, Lally, and Jacob*

Jacob: Really felt like we should've tried harder than not at all, I thought you liked your brother
now.

Newt: It's more like, uh...our balls are weak?

~The hell is this building and where is it located aside from “Berlin”.~

Newt, Lally, and Jacob: WE ARE OUTSIDE NOW.

Lally: My finger points.

Floating glove: *flips them off*

Newt: This motherfucker. *goes up to the glove and grabs it*

A second glove: *is pointing toward Dumbledore, hiding behind the pillar of a different building*

Newt: You know we really could've used you in there!

Dumbledore: Uh-huh, now give me my glove back, it is freezing out here. Also your brother's in
Erkstag. Which is apparently German for “first day” according to Google Translate. Wonder if it's
an allusion to people probably dying horrifically on their first day, that's a cheerful name, then.

Newt: But the Erkstag shut down years ago!

Dumbledore: *stops in his tracks and gives Newt the most condescending You Can't Possibly Be
That Stupid look*

Newt: ...All right, fair, I deserved that.

Dumbledore: Damn right you did. *reaches into his hat, pulls out a rabbit and tosses it away in
disgust, and pulls out an ID thing and a piece of paper that should be parchment but we all know it
isn't*

Piece of paper: *blows out of Dumbledore's hand and hits Jacob full in the face*

Jacob: I'm just here for comic relief, aren't I.

Dumbledore: I mean you always technically were. *hands Newt one more piece of paper*

Jacob: I guess we're walking through walls again, great. *follows the other three back out of the
wall that I legit forgot was the passage into whatever concealed area that the Germans have that we
don't know about*

Dumbledore: I trust that you're enjoying your wand, Mr. Kowalski? I say loudly now that we've
reentered the nonmagical world where they're not supposed to know about this kind of crap?

Jacob: It sure is a stick that I carry around in my jacket, all right.

Dumbledore: Good. Keep doing that, you're doing great.

Jacob: WHY AM I HERE.

Dumbledore: Because I'm deliberately keeping things as vague as confusing as possible in order to
heighten tension for the audience!

Jacob: It's not heightening tension for the audience, it's deliberately confusing and annoying them!

Dumbledore: Yes but me saying that allows me to do whatever the fuck I want and not worry
about it making sense. For example, Professor Hicks!

Lally: Yo.

Dumbledore: There's gonna be a Candidate Dinner tonight apparently, and if you could crash that
party and foil an assassination attempt that I somehow found out about, that'd be lovely.

Lally: M'kay. Taking the No-Maj with me, though.

Jacob: Fuck everything that is being said!

Dumbledore: I'm sorry you feel that way. *is looking at a compass that has Aurelius's face in it,
looking menacing as they advance*

Jacob: If someone doesn't take me home right the shit now I will for real cry a big tear.

Lally: Oh relax.

Jacob: NO ONE EVER RELAXES WHEN PEOPLE DEMAND IT OF THEM.

Dumbledore: I'm just gonna go... *moves to leave*

Newt: *dashes after him a bit* I know we were just in hiding behind a few brick column things but
now that we're out in the open I feel the need to shout after the great Albus Dumbledore by name.

Dumbledore: Why did I pick you for this.

Newt: Because I'm still ostensibly the main character somehow. Which I don't know if I can be
without all of my Fantastic Beasts™, I've only got Pickett and Teddy on me and that isn't nearly
enough.

Dumbledore: Well the case with the rest of them in it is still with Bunty so it's fine.

Newt: I'll only believe you if we cut to her next.

Dumbledore: Done and done!

~Can someone tell me why exactly they had to get nonmagical copies of the cases, is
transfiguration not a thing anymore or what. And don't give me that “magic leaves traces” bullshit,
if that were true then only one case would be giving off alarm bells at that point.~

Bunty: *is walking swiftly across the street, visibly holding the case*

Otto: *turns around as the bell rings* 'Sup. I somehow know that I should speak English.

Bunty: Hey, can you make copies of this case?

Otto: M'kay. *goes to open it*

Bunty: NO DON'T OPEN IT.

Otto: ...Is the Muggle-worthy latch thing not working anymore or something?

Bunty: I mean it's been two whole films, who even remembers that that existed, it was only used
once after all.

Otto: Yeah. At the beginning of the film that people tolerated the most, people tend to remember
the beginnings of things.

Bunty: Hey shut up and keep it closed.

Otto: ...Don't get paid enough to care. But yeah, I can make you a copy. *turns around*

Second baby qilin: *pops her head out of the case*

Bunty: Oh come on, I know this is meant to be wacky hijinks but at this point I just have second-
hand anxiety and am about to deliver some severe cringe. *pets the qilin's head and closes the case
again*

Otto: *turns back around* So if you can just bugger off so I can work—

Bunty: No can do!

Otto: And why the hell not.

Bunty: ...Because I like to watch a big strong man at work?

Otto: …

Bunty: …

Otto: …

Bunty: …

Otto: …

Bunty: …

Otto: …

Bunty: …

Squall: Ellipsis.

Otto: ...Better than your excuse in the actual film. How many do you want.

Bunty: I mean I say six but you'll honestly only need to make four, I have no idea why I didn't just
say so.

Otto: That shouldn't be a problem—

Bunty: In two days. And the next cut will show me walking away with the case so I'm not actually
going to watch you work after all and you'll just be going off of memory.

Otto: Not really, we probably took photos.

Bunty: Oh right, forgot you lot could do that too.

Otto: And by “you lot” do you mean German people?

Bunty: ...Yes? *is next shown fleeing from the awkward situation, case in hand*

~It might be post 9/11 brain but how did Otto not think that Bunty had a bomb in the case or
something, women can be mass murderers too, you know.~

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