Transcript of the sketch ‘English as a Foreign Language’ (2000 Smack the Pony, Channel Four,

Episode 2)

At a course enrolment desk.

Lady 1: This [seat] is free?

Lady 2: Yes.
Lady 1: Great, I want to register for one of your courses, please.
Lady 2: Of course you can, do you have the reference number?
Lady 1: I do: it’s EF4 English as a Foreign Language, beginners level.
Lady 2: And could I take your name?
Lady 1: Yes, you can. It’s Jacky O’Farrell.
Lady 2: And the name of the person who will be taking the course?
Lady 1: Jackie O’Farrell. [laughter]
Lady 2: [surprised] Sorry, it’s for yourself?
Lady 1: [laughing impatiently] Hm, yes.
Lady 2: You are English.
Lady 1: Well, I know that.
Lady 2: So, you speak English already then, presumably.
Lady 1: Well of course I do, but I only speak English English. I don’t know how to
speak it as a foreign language. [loud laughter]
Lady 2: There may have been a bit of a misunderstanding …
Lady 1: [interrupting] No, just, just, listen, listen: Foreign people can’t understand a
a word I’m saying at the moment. I travel abroad quite often, so it’s gonna
benefit them AND me.
Lady 2: Yes, but English as a Foreign Language is English.
Lady 1: That, that’s not a problem. [laughter]
Lady 2: Look, I think, may be, with the communication abroad thing, what you’re
really looking for is just a simple foreign language.
Lady 1: [upset] Could you, I, don’t tell me what I do and don’t want to study. I don’t
want to do that, that is too difficult, I want to start with something easy.
Lady 2: [adamant] I think you may find it of limited use given that YOU DO ALREADY
SPEAK ENGLISH.
Lady 1: [angry] I want to learn it as a F-O-R-E-I-G-N L-A-N-G-U-A-G-E!!!!!
Lady 2: English is just English! What about teaching [it] as a foreign language?
Lady 1: Yeah, well, until I can speak English as a foreign language, I can’t very well
teach it to anyone, can I?!
Lady 2: [despairing] English is only a foreign language to foreign people, you can only
learn English as foreign if you yourself are foreign to English!
Shall I do a […]
Lady 1: Oh, don’t draw anything …
[thinking] Do you do foreign as an English language?
Lady 2: [pointing] Hm, you could try Robin. He’s in charge of that.

Lady 1 moves to another desk.