The Stupid Test

OK. Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of
four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you
have what it takes to be considered "smart." Your replies must be
spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And
no cheating!

On Your Mark, Get Set, Go...

1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second

place. In which position are you now?

ANSWER: If you answered that you're now in first, you're wrong!

You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now
in second place. For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

ANSWER: If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again.
Think about it...How can you overtake the person who is last? If
you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would
appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. Anyway, here's
another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator, and
remember, your replies must be instantaneous.

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 3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.
Plus 1000. And plus 10.
What is the total?

ANSWER: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try

again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although
you should manage to get the last question right...

4: Marie's father has five daughters:

1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ?????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...

ANSWER: Chuchu?

WRONG! It's obviously Marie!

Dumb ass! Read the question properly.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish
pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's boss, he
beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of
the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps
who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What
can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls
the corpses into the lion enclosure.

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He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon
as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's
the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees..."

A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the
cold, dark waters of Fremantle Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her
fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he
jokingly asked.

"Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her
back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe
tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in
one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if
you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on
board that night.

For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and
water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was
performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find
the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean;
"I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here
and brings me food and water every night, and, and... he's screwing me." The puzzled captain
stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; "He sure is
darlin', this is the Rottnest Ferry!!

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his
buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He
held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good
time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, and BBQ’d meats, and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating salt water Crocodile in my
pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. "The words were
barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw
Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its arse! Jimmy was jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and
chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of
Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like
a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in awe.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you all right
bloke, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You
won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No bloke. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. Well how about a new Porsche, and a Rolex, and some stock
options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you
want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the prick who pushed me in the Pool."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy,
I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks
up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up 1/4 of your sex life?" Thinking

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that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this
is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this
one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up
another 1/4 of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say
anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be
worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the
eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,
"I guess I have taken unfair advantage of you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil
and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I
think I am the one that really got the better of this deal, Mr Devil - I'm Father O'Malley."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me," she told him.

Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage
him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!!"

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all
of a sudden this great big bloke comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and
onto the floor.

The big bloke says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when
all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big bastard knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big bugger and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big
him clear off his stool, knocking him out stone cold!!! The little guy looks at the barman and
says, "When he gets up, if he gets up, tell him that's a pick handle from the Mitre 10 Hardware
store down on the corner.”

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and
the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

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Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called Aileen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

The Blonde at the Elmo Factory

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper
for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she
wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she
would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration, the
manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw
that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the
problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of
every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles, not two testicles!!''

Big City Lawyer Goes Duck Hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an
elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let
me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana.
We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with
the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick

Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back
and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest

and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer
slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the city feller.

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His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him
to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."

The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

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 How Dumb Are You?
We checked you out for stupidity at the beginning…

Let's see how dumb you are with this little test...

1) If it takes twenty minutes to hard-boil one goose egg,

how long will it take to hard-boil four goose eggs?

20 minutes, 4 eggs can be boiled at the same time.

2) Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?

....Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

3) Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

.....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4) Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?

....No. He must be dead if it is his widow.

5) Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
What do you get?

..... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

6) A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
an hour. How long will the pills last?

......One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour
has passed.

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 7) A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
left?

..... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

8) A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?

..... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.

All you have to do as you read this is to imagine that the theme music
from “The Beverley Hill Billies” is playing in the background.

**********************
Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the
breeze.

Bubba asked Homer, “If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out
fishin’
an’ I made love to yore wife, an’ she got pregnant, would that make us
kin?”

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,

”I don’t think so, but it shore would make us even.”

**************************

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the
nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

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 So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so bloody well shut yer trap."

• *************************

Some years ago, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through
school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for
a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the
door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water.

She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it
slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to
accept pay for a kindness."

He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house,
he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong
also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They
finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr.
Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she
came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the
hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back
to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave
special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the
final bill to him for approval.

He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She
feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she
looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.

She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk"

(Signed)

Dr. Howard Kelly.

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This page you can print, and paste up in your computer room to remind you
that I’ll be back next week.

That’s it folks, time to find more for next

week.

( Better lookin’ than Matic eh?)

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