Journal Entry #

What Needs to be Remembered?

This journal is something what my heart wants to scream, a jam-packed body of words containing
heartfelt and emotional burden that needs to be released.

Almost all my friends know what I am going through and all of them showed sympathy, and sorrow; they
all grieved for and with me, for once, I never felt alone and making my world a little better than it used
to.

This journal is my way of processing my emotions by clearly facing head-on and understanding what
exactly went wrong about her and how did she end up breaking up with me. This is for my heart to
achieve peace and clarity eradicating confusion and self-blame. This also serve as a guide for my future
search of the love of my life.

I was ruined by her and her friends, I want to clarify the bad/unlikeable things she did to me:

1. She and her friends tolerate having a “rebound.” Perhaps the greatest source of the feeling of
being betrayed the fact that she easily found someone within the first week of our break-up. I
lost my sense of worth and respect to the point that I felt like I was insane. Imagine having to
build yourself and bounce back from your lowest point then someone would just do that. I was
the poorest thing I can imagine out there. The countless breakdowns, the countless tears, the
countless reoccurrence of worthlessness, the countless disbelief that circulates, the countless
self-discourse to prove myself my worth, and the countless downfalls to this emotional tantrum.
I remember the time when I breakdown at our internship’s comfort room after seeing her story
dating her rebound. It was one of the lowest points in my life and every time I get to reminisce to
this moment, I feel emotional thinking I was so poor and vulnerable.
2. Blind toxicity; ruining others and their image. This one is very subtle but adding contemplation
in the table, she and her friends are the toxic ones and not those she said to me are. I received
feedback from Miggy that the people that she and her circle referred as the toxic ones, really are
the good and nice ones. She designated these people as toxic when in fact they are trying to
save face and create a good impression. I can vouch since I, now, being ruined by them and I
reckon I’m the toxic one.
3. Her anger sourced from herself is thrown at me. This one is the one I remember most. I
remember the time when I thought I would have my peace during our practices for an upcoming
dance competition until she contacted me both Messenger and my phone number with great
anger and in all caps, even after telling her I didn’t do something, she poured her anger to me.
Though she apologized but the same pattern—her anger—is brought to me.
4. She tolerates her friends’ insult and ruin my image. This started with her friends’ story about a
passive-aggressive insult directed at me. I noticed that all the insults are all the things I shared to
her. This was the time when I begged her to stay not knowing that everything I was messaging
her was also being sent to her friends. I never expected someone who I trusted the most would
be one of the significant people who would contribute to my ruin.
5. Divulging my great secrets to her friends, adding to the pile of my image-destruction. I never
shared to anyone, except those who are alike, about my religious beliefs and secrets. I was in
shock seeing that all her friend’s story was aligned with all my greatest secrets. She broke my
 trust, gave me another trauma. I was the poorest thing ever existed at the time of knowing that.
I was sobbing reaching the point of hyperventilation and immense anxiety. She tolerated this
toxicity that I never expected.
6. Ruins my image by talking behind my back and acts peaceful when confronted. After tolerating
her friends’ insult posted on her friend’s dump account about me being epileptic, she just
laughed at it together with her circle. All I did to them was just being nice and this is what I get in
return? I subject this to objectivity that any stories they consider people as toxic, they’re not
because they are the one who are toxic.
7. Rebounded; cheating-like action. I would like to consider it cheating the fact that she knew the
new guy way before the end of our relationship. It’s painful to recollect the fact that she dated a
new guy just within the first week of our break-up. She should have at least followed the 3-
month rule or when she already moved on from me, but she didn’t. If only I knew more before, I
could have avoided spending time with her.
8. Liked multiple people during our relationship. As aforementioned, she knew the new guy way
before our break-up, I saw her reacted to his photo on Instagram back in April. She just held her
feelings because she was with me. She waited for us to stop to finally engage with him. Maybe
during the last days of our relationship, he was treating her how she should have been treated
that prompted her to break-up with me with reasons related to religion. She told me she has to
break-up because her pastor knew about us which I reckon was false since according to my
better-equipped-knowledge friend that it is okay to be with someone with non-INC only that
they can’t be in a live-in relationship. I know she liked Gerrick, she liked Joshua, etc. Yet she
never told me.
9. She let go of all our time and efforts together that easy. Who in the world would not be feeling
worthless if someone you loved dearly, been with for a long time, and done intimate things
together, yet easy to let go of all of it? Within a week of break-up, she engaged to someone new.
Isn’t that the worst feeling ever exists? It’s as if our time together were non-existent. She never
considered everything we’ve done for each other, there arises the feeling of worthlessness. But
I’m grateful she did that, she showed her true colors. The colors I never wanted.

What I don’t like about her:

1. She can’t decide for herself, relies on being influenced unwarily.

2. Not too good with grammar and English.
3. Can’t compose her own letter.
4. Easily falls in love.
5. Incompetent
6. Unskilled public speaker
7. Not aiming for personal development
8. Non-standard lover, just ONE good treatment
9. Blind toxicity and tolerates talking behind your back; passive aggressive.
10. Can’t establish deep emotional connection.
11. Red flags at the start graduated.
12. Anger issues: anger passed to someone hated.
13. Non-dreamer; aimless ambitions
 14. Emotional but not emotionally self-caring and assessing.
15. Unorganized; no system of personal development or organization
16. Not spiritual and philosophical
17. Nonchalant to your talents.
18. Talentless.

What traits I actually like from my next:

1.

- All the words I wanna hear (facebook shared on timeline)

- Forgiveness and acceptance
- Rules for self-regulation