“Cloudy with a Chance of Burnout”

By: Dorothy Shane D. Pradas

A bright light shines in front of me, my hands reaching out just below where the
light is coming, I am surrounded by the dark while I just blankly stare straight at the sight
that is in front of me. After a few minutes of sitting in front of my desk and staring at a
blank document on my laptop, it slowly dawned on me… I’m burnt out.

It’s no surprise that the reason for most of my burnouts is school. I am no

stranger to the sudden decrease in academic performance, painful self-sabotage, and
lack of motivation to do even the simplest tasks. There are even times when I am aware
that the task that I must accomplish is something that can be done with ease, just a
piece of cake. Well, that’s easy for some to say, I look at that cake and sure it looks nice
and all but for all, I know that cake might suddenly explode in my face and I’ll find myself
to be in a huge mess.

The fear of messing up has made my mind cloudy, filled with doubts, and burnt
out. To the point that even the things I find interesting and the things I enjoy no longer
cheer me up or change the way I feel about myself and the way I perceive myself.

Ever since I was in grade 7, I have always put school as my highest priority. Most
of the time, I have no energy to do other things aside from school. Even though I would
love to, I just don’t think that I am capable of doing those things because I would solely
focus on school and nothing else. This has of course led me to get good grades and
awards. At first, I felt very accomplished. Receiving my certificate saying “With high
honors” or “with honors” made me as happy as a lark. As soon as that piece of paper
touches my hand, my smile goes from ear to ear as I jump and scream with joy in my
mind. However, through time that piece of paper has become my source of insecurity
and doubts.
 Despite achieving exceptional marks, to my family, I am but a person with more
holes than Swiss cheese. There is simply just something to criticize about me.

“Ngano 89 mani?”
“Ngano ni undang man ka ug violin”
“Tan awa ra gud ni imong classmate sauna, maayo pa kay nag apil apil ug
contest”

My family used to encourage me to join extracurricular activities because they

say that I am too “naning” in school or that I have to work on being street smart. I was
adamant about heeding their advice at first, but later on, I discovered how important
being skilled in life is. I tried whatever it is that they wanted me to, I tried to learn a new
language, I tried out new hobbies, socialized more, opened up some small businesses
with my mom, sharpened my wit, learned to establish myself as a person with great
capabilities, I improved my leadership skills and basically everything about me that I feel
like I could change or improve, I did whatever it is that I can just to please my family and
avoid the constant criticisms about every bit of dust that I failed to pick up.

In a few years, the fruit of my efforts showed. I was praised, more than I ever was
before. In my senior high school years, my family took notice of my achievements. They
would show me off in the family group chat, post about my achievements, and talk
about them with their friends. If they get the chance to mention it, they would. People
have started to recognize my achievements and the efforts that I made for me to get to
where I am and who I am today. An academically excelling student with frequent
burnouts and crippling self-doubt.

I am in no way ungrateful for the praises that I receive, however, the thought that
comes with messing up and disappointing people, especially my family, has clouded my
mind with what really matters which is myself.
 I have realized this lesson the hard way. It took a couple of breakdowns,
hardships, and lots of self-reflection. I have lost a part of myself in the past, it is now
time for me to rediscover who I truly am and what I want out of life. I am too hard on
myself because of the weight of other people’s expectations including my own. I have
sacrificed way too much because of this.
I am overworked,
I am tired,
Yet, I am determined.
I am determined to break free from the chains that once bound me. However, the
road to achieving this would be difficult, all I can do is continue. Even through burnout, I
will push through, for I know that there are better days ahead.