Essence Of Motherhood

Mominah Sadiqua
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Responsibilities of a mother

People say motherhood is one of the most important phases of a woman’s life which most of us would agree upon
but on a deeper level, I believe the birth of a child is also the birth of a new persona in you. When a mother holds
her child for the first time no doubt that will always be a special moment for her however internally she is
committing to be a giver for a lifetime, a giver of unconditional love, care, sacrifices for her child. The dreadful
pain she experiences during childbirth will seem as if it lasted for a fraction of moment when she sees the little
soul smile. Her priorities will change and nothing else will ever be important to her than her child. I’m not a
mother yet but one of my biggest aspirations is to become a great mother to my children and to teach them
everything that I have learned the hard way. What brings you here I believe is the same desire, desire to leave
behind a legacy of righteous, emotionally intelligent individuals who will live to accomplish their purpose on earth
before returning to their lord.

It is said that a Woman is a university within herself. A university of dysfunctionality based on ignorance and
impulses or a university of constructive growth based on knowledge and application is for her to choose. The
majority of women think that their responsibility starts as a mother only after they have given birth to a child, I
perceived the same way before but in reality, this is nothing but abstract knowledge. Early decisions of a woman
are not just going to affect her but are also going to determine the mental and physical health of her child. In his
book ‘Never be sick again’, Raymond Francis says “The nutritionally deprived, cooked and processed food you eat
today will damage your health tomorrow as well as the health of your unborn children and grandchildren in the
years to come” highlighting the importance of eating healthy food way before getting pregnant and making it a
lifestyle. The most important decisions you will ever make for your children is not picking the right names for them
or choosing the right school they will study in but precisely choosing a responsible husband for yourself who will
turn out to be a great father for your children, he who will lead the family in the right direction based on
knowledge and acquisition. One of the best pieces of advice I received from my mentor when it comes to looking
for marriage is to imagine a child standing beside you and then ask yourself “is this guy fit to be the father of my
child?” and if the answer is no, then you should move on. Selecting the right spouse for yourself is mission-critical.
A wife can choose a husband for herself but her children cannot choose a father for themselves. Henceforth, how
do you make sure to meet the right guy in your life who is emotionally mature, responsible, and righteous? In the
Qur’an, Allah says “Corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men are for corrupt women; good women
are for good men and good men are for good women” An nur 26. Therefore the highest possibility of attracting
your potential spouse is by becoming all of that which you desire in him.

In the book compound effect, Darren hardy mentions how he attracted his soulmate by journaling in detail the
attributes, personality, qualities, character his soulmate would possess, he would then ask himself ” What kind of
man would a woman like this be looking for? Who do I need to become to be attractive to a woman of this
substance” and later worked on becoming and achieving all of that. He also says that when she appeared in his
life it was as if she popped out of his journal. This shows us how important it is to work on our character
development but there is a huge problem if you do not see any flaws in yourself. A healed woman who is
responsive is going to raise her children with strategies, empathy, respect, and reciprocity and an unhealed
woman is going to have a tough time dealing with her own self let alone her children. As said before, a woman is
said to be a university within herself, an important question arises, how is she going to teach her children
something she does not know herself? Let’s say a woman does not know much about her religion, mannerisms,
the realm of emotions, etiquettes, goal setting, moral values, etc. and all she knows is to make TikTok videos or
watch endless series on Netflix or put on makeup, what do you think will the kids learn from her?. Expecting a
child to grow up to be a student of knowledge, a leader, or a humanitarian while all he has learned is to watch
cartoons and play video games is like expecting an apple tree to grow out of an orange seed.

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We as Muslims have a rich heritage of successful Muslim men and women who had a high cognitive ability, vision,
and goals to make it to Jannat ul Firdous, why not study their lives and consider them as our role models who have
made it to where you wanna be rather than considering a pop star or Bollywood/Hollywood actor as your role
model and falling for their fake lives. Have you wondered why these actors are involved or addicted to drugs even
after having all the money in this world??. True contentment is achieved by building a connection with Allah s.w.t
and working on creating something valuable by acknowledging the fact that your rewards are with him. Allah has
blessed us with free will and strength. It’s never too late to start a new beginning by learning skills you do not
know and holding yourself responsible for what’s ahead. It is possible to help yourself in unlearning toxic traits
and learning important skills and lessons needed in life no matter which phase of your life you are in right now.
Especially if you are from a dysfunctional family, self-development is obligatory upon you and not optional unless
you want to create yet another dysfunctional family like the existing one. If a woman has gone through a divorce
she will know how her world scatters apart and her children for no mistake of theirs are deprived of living a usual
family life. It is better to choose a life partner wisely than coming so far and splitting up. Also getting married in
order to escape a dysfunctional family is not the right choice and you will most likely end up with the wrong guy
who is highly toxic. The right solution is to get rid of your own dysfunctionalities by recognizing and eliminating
them through learning from books and mentors. Some people live their whole lives chaotically by being
disconnected from themselves and seek connections outside. The way it works is – Inside out and not outside in. If
you are from a dysfunctional family I would highly recommend reading the book “Adult children of emotionally
immature parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson in which she highlights that when children see their parents living happily
together they feel a sense of security and grow up to be emotionally mature adults. We need to understand that
just as we set a goal to shed off extra weight, a goal has to be set to raise children effectively and to build a
relationship with them. It’s hard work, no denial about that but it’s worth every single bit of it. This document
serves as a reminder for myself first and then to others.

Dysfunctional families, and the impact of dysfunctional families on children

Children swiftly absorb energy from others and respond to it immediately (watch ‘still face experiment’ on
YouTube). In the Qur’an it has been mentioned,’ And Allah has extracted you from the wombs of your mothers not
knowing a thing’ 16:78 which implies that children lack knowledge, intellect, and understanding in their early
stages of life, hence they will be open to learning. They will model their parents more than anyone else by
consistently grasping their actions and words. Observe how, a flowering plant has to be grown in a certain
environment for it to flourish well such as cultivating it in high-quality soil, providing sunlight and water regularly,
and protecting it from pests but for a weed to grow there are no such particular requirements, it can grow
anywhere but its growth is of no much use and definitely detrimental to others. Similarly, for a child to grow up to
be emotionally intelligent and a blessing to humanity, a good environment has to be created where he is fully
focussed on learning and discovering everything around and within himself in a proper way rather than getting
adopted to Role-selves and healing fantasies as cope up mechanism due to dysfunctional families. Role-self is a
child adapting to a pseudo self in order to make a connection with his parents when his true self is not being
accepted. Healing fantasies is something a child creates in his mind to feel better. For example, a woman thinks, if
she makes her depressed father happy she will be free to live her life peacefully so she works on making her father
happy selflessly while in reality she is already created a free human being and can live happily irrespective of her
father’s state.

Emotionally immature parents (or people) are usually blindfolded to their reality. This is mainly because as
children they were emotionally shut down by their parents who lacked empathy towards them and they indeed
are just repeating the patterns learned from their parents who learned from theirs and so on and that is why it is
so hard to break through generational cycles. If you are dealing with emotionally immature parents, approach

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them with empathy by realizing that they had gone through worst than what you are going through now but that
does not justify their toxic behaviour towards you therefore learn to set healthy boundaries. Some among the
dysfunctional choose to wake up, question their reality and are willing to give every ounce of themselves to get rid
of their toxicity and break through the cycles while some others see the necessity of spreading awareness as they
do not want anyone to go through what they had been through. Let’s say, a woman was touched inappropriately
by a relative during her childhood and as a kid, she did not know how to respond in such a situation, if she knew
she would have handled it better but what she did back then was to remain quiet about the whole situation. Now,
as a grown-up woman, she acknowledges the fact that it was not her fault and through this, she sees a
responsibility of educating innocent children about what sort of touch is allowed, and what has to be reported
immediately to parents.

In some cases, we see a reversal of roles where parents expect children to resolve their problems. They discuss
marital problems with their children, backbite about one another behind their backs, expect their children to
comfort them and unconditionally approve their toxic behaviours without questioning them. The child is forced to
choose between both of them always. I have heard a mother say ‘My daughter will grow up and change her
father’. Well to add up to that sentence what she really meant was….’ until then we all will suffer together to a
point my daughter screws up her mental health and loses hope in life ‘. Allowing children to suffer from an
emotionally immature father and not parting ways with him because of the fear of being judged by people is a
catastrophic and selfish decision a mother can ever take. Think about it, why in the world is this the responsibility
of her child to change a man who does not see the necessity of changing himself? Silent torture is another
technique most parents use to punish their children for disagreeing with them or having a difference of opinion.
They don’t realize that it’s not just a physical punishment but more of a psychological one.

Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn to put the needs of others first by ignoring their own needs
and they do so in order to be accepted by their parents. They feel selfish for choosing what’s right for them over
the expectations of others. This pattern of “pleasing people” continues in other relationships as well such as with
a friend or spouse or boss where they do everything to please them by giving up their core selves and end up being
used or manipulated in many ways. It is very important to understand the nature of a child to deal with them,
some will be more sensitive than others and they will be deeply affected by their dysfunctional families. It is not
wise to generalize that every kid is the same. A child who is degraded by his parents or teachers constantly by
comparison to other kids based on their performance, looks, etc. will grow up to be someone who lacks self-
esteem. He will always think of himself as lowly and not good enough. Those discouraging words said to him
during his childhood will now serve as a self-narrative resulting in further destruction of himself. Therefore a child
should be taught rightly to compare himself to what he was in past and what is he now in the present rather than
comparing himself to others.

I will tell you about an incident that I came across in my life. I have seen a parent take revenge on her child, yes
you heard it right, an act of revenge and I strongly believe she did it unknowingly. Hana (name changed) had
come to visit us home along with her 10 years old daughter and a 7-year-old son. So her daughter gets along with
me well that day and we get to spend a short good quality time with each other. This girl was excited to show me
her crafts and couldn’t stop smiling as someone was genuinely interested in knowing her. In those moments of
happiness, she forgot about the sufferings from her dysfunctional family, she forgot about the fights that go on
between her parents and about the financial issues. This little girl was being herself wholeheartedly with a
cheerful face and a spark in her eyes. Hana had informed me that her daughter falls sick immediately whenever
she and her husband fight. Seeing her daughter having a good time and being happy independently (or with
someone else) somehow aroused a sense of insecurity in Hana and she did not know how to handle it. I couldn’t
ignore but notice how her expressions turned gruesome in less time and when her daughter returned to her with
excitement, to tell her about her experience, she rejected her completely as if she was worthless of her love. On
contrary, she displayed love and attention to the other child by playing with him and encouraging him to do more.
When her daughter tried to seek attention, she verbally abused her and did not allow her to play with her son. It

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was as if she was saying,’ Now it is my turn to take revenge from you’. The poor kid started crying immediately not
understanding what was her fault and while she was crying hana blamed her for being too sensitive and that all
she knows is to cry for every little thing. My heart broke to see that child cry, for being called “too sensitive” for
expressing herself and getting punished for no fault of hers. How would the little soul know that it had nothing to
do with her but it was all about her mother’s dysfunctionalities whom she looked up to as a role model? Many
people try to evaluate their self-worth based on their importance in others’ lives. Don’t get me wrong Hana loves
her children very much and she would do anything to give them a good life. Her intentions are good and she does
the best of her knowledge but what she is unaware is of her toxic behaviours and unhealthy ways of controlling
her child. She does not realize that the innocence of her child is to be protected and nurtured, not misused and
manipulated. As much as I want to deny the fact, but unfortunately, it is true that children suffer the most from
their toxic parents and this is just one story highlighted that is very common across many households.

I’m not saying that a mother does not do her best in looking after her child rather what I am trying to say is, there
is a bigger picture or we can say a broader perspective to the upbringing. For Example, Meeting the child’s
financial needs is a small part of the whole. A child who goes to school, with expensive shoes and a tiffin box will
still be unhappy if his emotional needs are not met. He will still long for quality time and deep connection with his
parents and if he does not receive that a void gets created within him. Henceforth to fill the void, he will go out
searching for love from someone else. There are many such instances, say a teenage boy is in a relationship with a
girl or vice versa, who is to be blamed? The culture? Friend circle? Ignorance? Hormones? To a certain extent, it is
valid to blame them. Some may even ask ‘Were the parents not strict enough?’. For this, I would say being overly
strict to a point your child does not feel safe to discuss the struggles he or she is going through is not a sign of
respect towards you rather it is an important aspect to be pondered upon the distance that got created between
you and your child because certainly, a child is very close to his parents when he is young especially with his
mother. To be precise the real question is ‘Why did the boy see the necessity of searching love outside while his
emotional tank should have been full?’ The same goes with girls, people jump on to judge her for being in multiple
relationships instead of trying to know, how her relationship was with her father. Did she feel safe to open up to
him? Was her father an alpha man who set standards for her on what to expect from other men? Did she feel
emotionally and physically secure with him?. If the answer is no to all or any of the questions then that’s the
reason why she was in search of a proper male figure outside the family (I’m in no way promoting haram
relationships in any way but it’s important to highlight the internal state of human beings). I remember listening
to a lecture on YouTube where the speaker talks about a phone call with his wife. He says as he was talking to his
wife he noticed that there was utter silence in the background and when he inquired about the same, his wife
informed him that the kids were indulged in reading books rather than watching T.V. He goes on to say that it was
a moment of pride and celebration for him as it served as a cue of their right upbringing.

On the other side of the spectrum are parents who turn a blind eye towards their children’s misbehaviour,
disobedience, over-demanding nature, and untruthfulness. They are completely fine with their children messing
around, using curse words, spending hours on mobile phones, putting on make-up from a younger age, stealing
chocolates and other stuff from food marts, making useless TikTok videos, etc. Parents should have a vision for
their children and ask important questions such as, with my child’s current habits/behaviour what will he or she
turn out to be in the future? Disciplining children in the right way is a very important aspect that cannot be
ignored. Firstly they have to be disciplined in reading Salah on time and taught about religion on regular basis. A
set of rules have to be set up at home so they learn to adhere to it.

Just a few steps for you to be mindful of when you do discipline them,

 Use the naughty step/time out technique and stick to it even if it takes an hour to get them there, then
take the hour. The next day it will be easier. Naughty stool technique is used to discipline children when
they are being aggressive and are not willing to listen to their parents. So you as a parent make the child
to sit on a naughty stool for misbehaving with you until your next instruction that it is okay to get up. You
also explain them why they were put up there and ask for an apology.

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 Tone of voice is important as much as your words, when it’s not time to use the words darling and
sweetheart don’t use them.
 Bend down to their eye level, get them to look at you and raise your voice just above a whisper. Low but
firm, this is much scarier than shouting and they would feel like they are spoken to rather than spoken at.
 Stick to your words, if you said privileges will be taken away then take them away.
 Reward them not always with things, but verbally as well.

How many times have we come across adults who behave in a certain way that makes us question their
upbringing and think to ourselves ‘What a jerk!’ Certainly, we do not want our children to be one among those
who are trouble makers because it is not just you who will suffer because of them but also every person who will
walk into their lives especially their future families.

References

Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay C. Gibson(Book).

Aggression in children, behavior and discipline by Mariya Maljee(Document).

Essence of Motherhood