After reading about the trials and tribulations of pursuing a career within the field of academia on

Twitter and not understanding how a field where work meant teaching, presenting, writing, and
research could be so tolling, I respectfully rescind my naivety. I get it now. Good lord, this stuff
is HARD. This final home stretch particularly has been just brutal, but in a really rewarding way.
Research, as I’ve come to find out, is much like building a skyscraper at the same time as which
you are drafting the blueprints. Sure, there exist examples of previous and related work, but
actually doing it yourself is a whole other story.
I think I owe it to myself to make clear and designated space for the sheer amount of work that
went on this summer. I read over 40 academic journal articles and book chapters within about a
week. Don’t even get me started on the process of finding them! I paid such focused attention to
non-visual senses that my ears, fingertips, and tastebuds were physically sore by the end of the
week. In classic Honors fashion I reflected at the end of the first five weeks on the substantial
engagements within class and in preparation for it. SIAH was a LOT of work, but that isn’t to
say that it wasn’t without joy, satisfaction, fun, engagement, and reward.
I learned more in nine weeks than I ever thought possible thanks to stimulating conversation with
my peers and professors on a wide array of topics I had never previously engaged with in an
academic setting. I got to dance as a means of knowing history, witness the bones that comprise
art galleries, taste freedom and the fruits of labor, and listen to the stories and meanings of UW’s
campus thanks to the guidance of the teaching team and the brilliant passion of my cohort. I
broke down and rebuilt definitions of blackness, engagement, community, hope, sustainability,
art, work, and research over and over again. I found such great joy, satisfaction, and hope within
the learning and engagement of the Summer Institute. If it has taught me anything, truly, it’s that
hard work and great joy can coexist quite well together.
While the content was incredible, what made this work much more difficult were two recent
losses. Linnae was a mentor and friend of mine. She was a role model for me in multiple aspects
of my life. She passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago at the age of 24. Joey was my family
and childhood cat. He had been a staple in the Stout household since I brought him home more
than a dozen years ago. Their passings occurred within less than two weeks of each other.
At this point I still don’t have anything that really feels appropriate to say. These losses shook my
foundation, but there were deadlines. I was mourning, but there was work to do. Navigating both
sides of the coin at once was overwhelming.
I am so incredibly grateful to Professor Mahmoud, Jasmine, who played a huge part in my
personal growth as a product of academic growth. Jasmine showed me how to work in ways that
honor my bandwidth and capacity. She taught me that I can complete what I need to, and at a
satisfactory quality even, without burning out and causing myself to suffer. Things do not need to
be perfect; they do not even have to reach whatever I constitute as good within my head. Work
does not have to be the best thing I’ve ever done for it to be something I’m proud of and
dedicated significant effort towards. I can work within my limits, honor my energy, and still feel
good about what I do.
Breaking my habits of perfectionism has been a work in progress for a long time now. This
program along with Jasmine’s influence and example provided me with an opportunity for
practice and, as a result, significant progress. Allowing myself to sit in and with new content,
new experiences, new ideas, and new ways of engaging with a complete disregard for perfection
and instead an orientation of growth and engagement was transformative. This has always been
the goal, but SIAH offered me a space where it could finally be put into practice. Care is more
productive than force. Curiosity can be more beneficial than answers. Research is processual and
so is life. I think that’s something I’m going to try to keep in mind.
I’m walking away for this program with a newfound confidence in myself. I did original
research. I contributed new knowledge to the fields of Black studies, communications, media
studies, sociology. That is so cool. It’s been uncomfortable and difficult at times, but I did it.
Genuinely, I did it. And I learned SO much along the way. I’m really, really proud of myself for
what I’ve been able to do this summer. I just hope I can keep this party rolling as I head to
Denmark!