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DECENTERING
MEN

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How to Decenter
Men
Updated: Nov 6, 2021

Today we are discussing my

Men
favorite subject. Decentering
Men WrittenbyCharlieTaylor

A couple of years ago I wrote a

book Called Decentering Men
and then an article Decentering
Men: Why you should let go of
men. I wrote it because I was
tired of making every decision
with a man in my thoughts. I
was tired of thinking about
where I want to move and
asking myself, what if I get a
boyfriend when I decide to
leave? Or living life at 85%
because I am waiting for a man
to rescue and help me with
100%?

I would live this really fun and

incredible life and then have a
burst of melancholy because I
didn’t have a partner. It was an
exhausting merry-go-round that
made me feel pathetic. I knew I
was better than this, but I just
could not find any written pieces
that told me how to get off this
ride and why.

DECENTERING
MEN

Youarehere
1

Men

WrittenbyCharlieTaylor

When I say Decenter Men, I

think about it as an ongoing
practice. It is a practice for which
you examine all the ways you
dwindled yourself, held off,
stopped your pleasure, did not
peruse a task, nor reach a goal
because you were waiting for a
hypothetical man to rescue you.

It is practice for which you

examine the ways you organize
yourself around the idea of
obtaining a man. You may
perform on dates, change your
needs, way of living, and being
for a man.

It is a practice for which you

notice how many times you’ve
opted out of being the main
character in your life to be a
man’s side or background
character.
It is a practice for which you
decide not to live a half-lived life
because you are not in a
partnership.

When you decenter men, you

acknowledge that structurally
you can organize and destroy it
with community, but you can
also confront men’s place in
your world interpersonal. The
point is to examine all of the
conscious and unconscious ways
you place men above your own
needs and fullness.

Now decentering men is a

personal practice. You can
define your limit. You can define
what that looks like. However,
there are some tips that can
help you define what that looks
like.
So how do you practice
decentering men?

1. Be Realistic about men

As much as I love men, they
aren’t that great and this isn’t an
opinion it’s been backed up by
homicide rates, domestic
violence rates, and rape
statistics. Research shows that
women’s life expectancy
decrease when they partner
with men due to unequal
distribution of labor. Their career
momentum also slows down
once married. Even as friends
they fall short because most
male friend groups aren’t based
on emotional bonding. It’s
usually based on something
else. In a system like patriarchy,
they are allowed to get rewarded
even when they fall short as
decent people. I don’t hate men.
I like them and want them in my
life, but I am realistic about what
is there, which helps me live life
without placing them as the
center or on a pedestal. They are
regular people.

2. Imagine yourself happy now.

It is perfectly ok to want
partnership, that is a human
need. However, no one said you
had to be removed from your life
and not fulfilled because of it.
No one said you must wait to be
partnered to start. No one said
you must wait until a man sees
you to feel remarkable or to be
worth it. That power is not
there’s to give. It is yours and it
has always been yours. You want
to feel 100% & you can get there
or at least close enough to it.
Through actionable steps,
therapy, or medication whatever
you need to feel like your life is
yours. Do it.

3. Expand your imagination

We’ve only been given one
framework for happiness. Our
queer friends found multiple
frameworks for happiness. What
if we did the same and found a
framework the encapsulates
where we are now. What if we
accept that where we are our
framework for happiness. What
if we decide that our lifestyle is
not proof of our incorrectness or
badness. It is proof that we are
alive and are trying. It’s so cliché,
but happiness is what you make
it. When I first heard that quote,
I thought it meant you can do
many things to be happy. I didn’t
realize it meant you can define
happiness and even say it’s
where you are now, and that can
be the final decision. I didn’t
realize you could take happiness
with you at every stage and
there does not have to be a
prerequisite for it.
These three tips are starting
points, and I will make more
content as we grow on this
journey but know that you are
the main character and can
decide and choose whatever it is
you’d like.

And on that note, take care!

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