12/7/22

I asked: “What energy will support, guide and nourish me as I fall back into love, intuition and
calm?”

I drew The Bat - a symbol of letting go, a creature of darkness, “Death leading to Rebirth.” And it
honestly terrified me.

The idea of losing Buhay at birth might just be my biggest fear right now. I am afraid that I will
be unable to make the right call. I am afraid that I will not know when to stop, when to
surrender, when to seek a different path. I am afraid that I am making the biggest mistake of
my life by thinking that I could birth Buhay without a medical professional present. I am
afraid of being an example of VBAC, HBAC, Freebirth, Homebirth gone wrong. I am afraid
that I might be missing the signs or reading them wrong. I am afraid of the shame and the
judgment. I am afraid of my family’s grief. I am afraid of everyone’s pity, and condescension.

Why is it here now? Why does this creature come for me? Why now, when I am seeking solace,
am I haunted by my fears?

Yes, it is the ending of a chapter. And yes, it’s clear imperative is to “accept, adapt and adjust.”
But it is also said to be the “Master of the subtle senses, of the underlying forces that cause some
things to prosper and others to fade.” I don’t want Buhay to fade.

No one, not even this, is saying he will. Because no one knows. Am I brave enough to face that
uncertainty? Will my Spirit be strong enough to let Divine Wisdom through, shining its light
through all that fear?

“Comes swiftly, encouraging us to move on.” “No more lingering in the past.” Huh. Now that’s
something I do want and I have envisioned for Birth.

What if I have a choice? What if I chose - with all my heart and all of me - to believe that this is a
message on symbolic and not literal death? What if in choosing to stay in this frequency, I
actually shape the outcome of my birth - or at least stir things in that direction?

What if this is a message about my wisdom and intuition – What if I (Love and Light
personified) am the underlying force that determines what is to prosper and what is to fade?

My fears are still here and somehow, they still feel real. It says here that “In darkness, [the Bat]
can see all that was invisible in the daylight hours.” So, when I do find myself in darkness, I will
access this power to See - this unique gift.
I will believe that I am the one closing the door – not the one who’s left behind on the other side.
I am not the dark, and I am not the one who drowns in it. Buhay and I will claim darkness’ gifts,
and we will live to see the sun rise.

12/7/22

One last dip into the darkness, at least for now. And you are not alone.

In fact, you are not even afraid of the dark. You make it your home. You listen. You see. You
sense. You navigate all that is here, old and new.

12/8/22

I listen to and watch Jack Johnson and his friends, the ukulele, Hawaiian children and families,
the sunshine, everything is green. I notice the sunshine from my own window.

I recognize and honor the darkness within me, but right now, the light is so overwhelmingly
beautiful and it is in everywhere and in everything. I call all this light in to create my own
sunrise.

Then I close my eyes and sit in the dark cave of my heart knowing that the Bat has no fear of it,
that it is its home. It is beautiful in its quiet, a magical world many fear to explore. I make it my
home, too.

Here I know and here I rest, knowing that not even the threat of physical death can harm me.
That Death is Birth and in this cave, we shall meet.

And when Buhay and I emerge, the sun and the mountains still await and the songs of the sons
and daughters of the Earth will still be there for me. Warm sun, gentle breeze.