Lavender Haze

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/50521669.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandoms: 呪術廻戦 | Jujutsu Kaisen (Manga), 呪術廻戦 | Jujutsu Kaisen (Anime)
Relationship: Gojo Satoru/Nanami Kento
Characters: Gojo Satoru, Nanami Kento, Ieiri Shoko, Fushiguro Megumi, Fushiguro
Tsumiki
Additional Tags: Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Past Getou Suguru/Gojo Satoru,
Past Haibara Yu/Nanami Kento, Canonical Character Death,
Implied/Referenced Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Friends With
Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy
Ending, Depression, Anxiety, Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder -
PTSD, Bottom Gojo Satoru, Feminization, Top Nanami Kento,
Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Nanami Kento Has a
Big Dick, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Adoption, Trans Fushiguro
Megumi, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical
Language: English
Series: Part 3 of JJK BDSM Cinematic Universe
Stats: Published: 2023-10-03 Updated: 2023-11-24 Words: 49,749 Chapters:
12/?
 Lavender Haze
by peach_n_creamm

Summary

Gojo and Nanami find solace in each other. It takes a while for them to notice.

[Prequel/Spinoff of Be Good. Friends with benefits, to someone I used to know, to lovers, Ft.
Dad Gojo and Femme Gojo.]
 All Too Well
Chapter Summary

You call me up again just to break me like a promise.

So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

Chapter Notes

We're back bitches! Here we are with some sad. I was really hoping this one would be
shorter than the other one, but I think I am wrong once again. But to be fair, we've got a
lot more ground to cover and Be Good had a lot more fat that could've been trimmed.
Also thank you to Lupin for beta reading for me.<3

CW: Angst, break ups, depression, disordered eating (restrictive)

TW: Shoko and Nanami smoke, the F slur is used once (in a friendly Trixie Mattel kinda
way)

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Satoru stood on the sidewalk, tears streaming down his cheeks. His blood ran cold trying to
scan the crowd for Suguru. Every head of black hair somehow morphed into him. He silently
begged for him to come back, promise it was a joke, wipe the tears off his cheeks and kiss
him better. He let out a sob. He couldn't remember where he'd put his glasses. Why couldn't
he keep track of his own glasses? He sat on the pavement and cried like a lost child. He
wiped his nose on his sleeve. He was lost. He'd lost everything he knew in less than a year.
He had the scars to prove it. His stomach hurt. He clutched the gold band in his fist. He
wished it was sharper.

He looked up at his surroundings. Everyone was just walking around him, seemingly not
even interested in him. Just a few feet away, where Suguru was standing, was a KFC. He'd
just lost his one and possibly only love, he was crying on the sidewalk, he was desperate to
morph the emotional pain into something real and physical, and he was outside of a KFC.

He reached for his phone and scrolled through his contacts. He'd rather run into oncoming
traffic than call his parents right now. Shoko was probably too hungover to know where she
was. Mei Mei was a bitch. Utahime would probably call him a bitch. Which left one more
name.
"Nanami." Satoru sobbed into the phone.

"Gojo? Are you crying?" He asked.

"Suguru-" He hiccuped. He couldn't get the words out.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry. Do you need me to come over?" Nanami asked.

"I'm not home." Satoru sniffled and wiped his face. His sleeve was wet, but he didn't have
anything else.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at fucking KFC. Isn't that such bullshit?" He tried for a laugh.

"Which one?"

"The one by Terdaya." He said.

"I'm with Shoko and Haibara, can they come too?" Nanami asked.

"Yeah, that's fine." Satoru cried, "I feel like I don't know what to do?"

"Go cry into a bucket of chicken until we get there." Nanami said.

"You're such a dick." He said.

"I'll be there in 15 minutes." Nanami hung up the phone.

Satoru stood up on shaky feet, and wiped his eyes. He dug through his pockets and found his
glasses. He tried to steady his breathing enough to order something to eat.

"Are you one of those boys that was out there yelling earlier?" The cashier asked.

"Yeah, sorry about that." He shrugged.

"Sounded like a rough breakup." He said.

"It's fine." He nodded and swallowed.

"What do you want to drink?" He asked. Satoru was hit with another wave of panic that was
so intense he could hardly feel it anymore. None of this was real. He must be dreaming. He
felt numb.

His body moved on its own, leaving the rest of him outside, still screaming for Suguru. His
legs made him take his food and sit down to wait for Nanami. He stared down at the ring in
his hand. What was he supposed to do with it? It doesn't belong to him. It belongs to Suguru.
He took his own ring off, but he felt naked without it. What was he supposed to do? This
wasn't how things were supposed to go. Why was he sitting alone in a KFC? Why did he feel
like his heart was going to stop beating?
"Gojo."

He turned. He knew it wasn't Suguru, he would only ever use his given name. But his heart
skipped a beat anyway. It was just Nanami, followed by Shoko and Haibara. He felt a new
wave of tears wash over him.

"What happened?" Shoko reached forward for him. Satori's lip quivered as he held out
Suguru's ring, "Oh, Gojo, I'm so sorry."

"He asked me if I was worth anything without my name." Satoru bit down on his lip. He
couldn't seem to break the skin, no matter how hard he tried.

"He's been a dick ever since the accident." Nanami frowned and slid next to him on the
booth.

"Don't fucking say that." Satoru snapped, "He watched our best friend die."

"Sorry. I'll be more sensitive." Nanami said gently. He chewed on his lip ring.

"The last year has been hard on all of us." Shoko sighed, "I'm really sorry it ended this way."

"Life is suffering." Satoru sniffled.

"You of all people should know that's not what that means." Nanami said. Satoru looked over
to her.

"It's fine. I'm a terrible Buddhist anyway." He took a bite of chicken. He was surrounded by
death. How many chickens had to die for his food? The table was particle board and
linoleum, the bench he sat on was upholstered in vinyl, his t-shirt was 70% polyester. Plastic.
Everything. Plastic killed everything it touched. Why did Riko have to die? Why did Satoru
have to fight back? Why did Suguru give back his ring?

"Do you wanna go get ice cream after this?" Nanami asked. Satoru nodded.

"Did he say why he was breaking things off?" Shoko asked.

"He didn't like that I kept checking up on those kids. And religion stuff." He sighed, "He said
it's arrogance masquerading as selflessness."

Nanami rolled his eyes, "He decided it was a problem after he agreed to marry you?"

"It's a delicate topic." Shoko snapped at him.

"Then maybe you should figure your shit out before you say yes to a proposal." Nanami said.

"Maybe Riko changed his perspective." She said.

"Bullshit, being depressed doesn't change who you are fundamentally." Nanami was getting
louder.
"But being traumatized might make you reevaluate your beliefs and values."

"I'm on Satoru's side." Nanami gestured to him.

"Maybe he doesn't need you on his side. Maybe he just needs you to shut up and listen."
Shoko looked furious.

"Then that's your job." Nanami said.

"Give me your lighter, I need a cigarette." She said. Nanami rolled his eyes and handed her
his lighter. She snatched it away and stormed outside.

"Bitch." Nanami slouched down in the booth. Haibara pat his shoulder gently.

"You tried your best, I'm sure Satoru knew what you meant." Haibara smiled at Nanami.

"Sorry I'm not better at this." Nanami said.

"It's fine. I kinda just wanted company." Satoru rested his forehead on the table, "What do I
do with his ring?"

"Do you wanna get rid of it?" He asked.

"Not really. Should I?" Gojo asked.

"I don't know. For now why don't you just keep it in a box. Then when it doesn't hurt as bad,
you can figure out what to do." Nanami said.

"What if it never stops hurting?" Satoru said.

"Hey." He nudged him softly. Satoru sat up, "It's gonna be okay."

"You didn't hear what he said." He sighed.

"I don't need to. Because you're Gojo Satoru and you can do anything." Nanami said. Satoru
let another sob escape. How could he be so blind? He'd been broken beyond repair. He had
failed the most basic human desire, to love and be loved in return.

"What do you need right now?" Haibara asked. He moved over to take Shoko's seat next to
him and wrapped an arm around Satoru's shoulders.

"I need Suguru back." He sniffed.

"I'm sorry. Let's grab the rest of your food and go get you something sweet." He smiled. He
complimented Nanami so well. They were perfect for each other. It made Satoru feel sick
with envy.

Nanami helped him gather the rest of his food and shuttled him out the door. Shoko was
smoking outside and scrolling through Vine.

"Hey, bitch, get in the car." Nanami said.

"Give me two minutes." She said.

"I'll drive with the windows down." He reached around and took the cigarette out of her
mouth to steal a puff of smoke and then handed it back.

"That's mine asshole." She muttered.

"Sucks. Get in the car. Gojo needs his sugar rush." Nanami pushed her towards the car. She
rolled her eyes and climbed in the car.

"Can I sit in the front? I have long legs and just got dumped." Satoru asked.

"Get a license and then you can sit in front." She told him.

"But driving is scary. And I can just take the train." He crawled in the backseat next to
Haibara. The backseat was always too cramped for him, but Nanami was strict about his
rules. No license meant no front seat, unless there was no one else in the car.

"How are those kids doing? Are we giving you a maternity shoot?" Shoko put out her
cigarette butt in an old take out cup.

"They're living with their mom right now. We're Facebook friends." Gojo said.

"You have a Facebook?"

"Yeah, my family is all old." He said.

"So it's a boy and a girl. Remind me how old they are." Nanami said.

"The boy is 11 and the girl is 12." He stared out the car window.

"Cute." She said.

"Do you know anything about them?" Haibara asked.

"I've talked to the boy. He's pretty feisty, but I think he worries a lot about his sister. I'm told
he's really into power rangers, and he really likes animals. I guess he's a Warrior Cats kid."
Satoru said with a chuckle.

"I read Warrior Cats!" Haibara exclaimed, "They're really great books. I wonder how many
he's read?"

"No idea, but he's a pretty cute kid." Satoru couldn't stop himself from smiling. The kid had
been such a brat when Satoru met him, but it was somehow still so endearing.

"What about the girl?" Haibara asked.

"Not sure. Her mom says she's pretty quiet, and she reads a lot. Seems like her brother
usually does most of the talking for both of them." Satoru shrugged.
"I used to be really shy too. It's hard out there without having someone that gets it, you
know? I'm glad she's got her brother." He grinned. He watched Nanami grip the steering
wheel a little tighter.

Satoru's mind wandered. How was he supposed to take in two kids? He'd probably have to
drop out of college. What would his parents say? What if they hated him for it?

~*~

Gojo laid on his stomach in his bed. Nanami was typing away on his laptop with his
headphones in. He hated the stupid little dorm room. He used to spend all his time at Suguru's
apartment. He was supposed to move in after the wedding. They were supposed to have
lavender bouquets and chocolate cake. Suguru had insisted on having fresh flowers

"Do you wanna watch Penguins of Madagascar with me?" Nanami pulled out a headphone
and let it dangle from one ear.

"Is it gonna make me think about my true love telling me I'm arrogant and worthless and that
he doesn't love me anymore?" Satoru asked with a sniffle.

"It's about penguins fighting an evil octopus named Dave." Nanami said. Saturo sighed
loudly and shoved his face into the pillows.

"Suguru would've snuggled me while we watched it." He sighed. He was really only halfway
joking. Everything around him was cold and dull and gray, he missed feeling warm. He
tucked his phone under his pillow.

"I'll snuggle you if you don't tell Haibara." He said.

"You're too spiky." Satoru pouted. He knew he was just being difficult now, but he couldn't
seem to stop himself.

"How? I'm not wearing any jewelry." Nanami frowned.

"Your thorny personality." Satoru face planted into his pillow. Nanami groaned loudly, and
then was silent. He'd thought he dropped the issue entirely, until he felt a massive weight
settling on his lower back, "You're sitting on me."

"You were being sad and annoying." Nanami said.

"Get off. I'll watch the movie." He groaned. Nanami climbed off and scooted up next to him
with his laptop. Satoru rolled over and propped himself up with his pillow. Nanami wrapped
an arm around him and tugged him closer, "What are you doing?"

"You asked me to snuggle with you." He said.

"I didn't." He frowned.

"Then move." Nanami rolled his eyes. Saturo put his head on his shoulder and crossed his
arms. It felt good to be so close to someone.
The movie was goofy enough for him to take his mind off things, at least for a minute.
Nanami pointed to the penguins and told him which of their friends was which penguin. But
his answers changed depending on what was funnier in the moment. Nanami's nail polish was
chipped. His shirt was riding up and he could see the waistband of his boxers over his
sweatpants. One day Nanami would find a shirt that fit him properly.

"What did you do with those rings?" Nanami asked.

"Put them in my jewelry box." Satoru sighed.

"That's so gay." He said.

"At least I don't leave all my shit everywhere." Satoru relaxed against him.

"I have a box for my stuff." Nanami said.

"You have an old shoebox and a ziploc bag full of your weird piercing jewelry." Satoru said.

"Yeah, exactly." Nanami told him.

His body felt different than Suguru's. Suguru was heavy, and all consuming. Satoru could
sink into him and let himself be enveloped by warmth and the smell of his soap. He could
just get lost in him. Nanami wasn't like that. He was just a body to prop himself against. Life
didn't come to a standstill, but it carried on steadily, without hurry. He wondered if Haibara
felt the same way when he was with Nanami. The credits rolled and he closed the computer,
but kept his arm around Satoru.

"Nanami?" He asked softly. He hummed in response, "Did I deserve this?"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Like, is this karma? Did I mess something up?" He squirmed a little, trying to get closer
without Nanami noticing. He didn't want him to move, he needed the compassion right now.

"Maybe it's good karma. Maybe he wasn't right for you, and if you followed him, you'd end
up somewhere terrible." Nanami said.

"Then why does it hurt?" He asked.

"Pruning. I'm sure trees don't feel good when you cut off all the dead branches, but it's still
important to make sure they stay healthy." Nanami shrugged.

"Yeah. I guess." He sighed.

"Just let it burn. Feel it all now so it doesn't boil over later." Nanami said.

~*~

Satoru was trying to find breakfast. Everything tasted like sand. He felt cold so deep under
his skin he was sure his soul was freezing. Everything felt dull and lifeless without Suguru.
He opened the snack drawer and found a bag of sour gummy worms. At least they tasted like
something. He ate them by the handful, until his mouth felt sore and he could taste his own
blood. Even the sweetness burned his throat. But at least he could taste.

Nanami walked into their shared dorm and took the bag of candy out of his hand. In it's place,
he gave him an apple from the cafeteria. He shoved the gummy worms in his backpack and
dug through the drawer for any other candies. And then he was off to class, without a word.

Satoru bit into the apple. It tasted like wet sand. He reached for a bottle of maple syrup. He
poured a little dallop on his apple and took another bite. It made his hands sticky, but it made
it taste bearable now. Maybe he could just skip class today. It's not like they ever did anything
important anyway. And it would be so much easier to just watch YouTube videos in bed until
Nanami came back to snuggle with him again. He put his headphones in and hit shuffle on
his phone.

Why did Halsey have to come up first? Tears welled up in his eyes. His hands shook, but he
couldn't bear skipping the song. Suguru had turned his world gray. Suguru decided that
purple wasn't for him. Everything was devoid of color and pulling apart at the seams. Why
did it have to be this song? Why couldn't he be crying to a good song? Why'd he have to cry
over a Halsey song he didn't even like that much while his hands were covered in maple
syrup. First the stupid KFC and now this.

He ended up skipped Dear John and went back to cry in bed.

~*~

Nanami came back around 4. Satoru hid under his comforter. The intrusion felt far too
vulnerable.

"Did you go to class today?" He asked. The words dug into him like he'd ripped off a scab.
There was no malice or hatred in his tone, but it hurt like hell anyway.

"No." He said. His bones felt cold and heavy. He couldn't move. He could hear Nanami
moving towards him. He couldn't bear to look at him. Suguru was right. He was arrogant and
selfish. He should be able to ask for help. There shouldn't be any shame in that. If Nanami
told him he was depressed and needed help, Satoru would jump on the opportunity. And yet
he was still too proud to look at Nanami. Or maybe he was embarrassed. He couldn't quite
tell anymore.

"Why not?" Nanami dropped his backpack and sat at the foot of his bed. He chewed on one
of his lop rings. Satoru always wondered if they got in the way of kisses, but Haibara had
always been too shy to ask. Sweet little Haibara, so naive and innocent. A perfect foil for
Nanami's loud, crass personality.

"Didn't feel like it." He said. He wrapped his arms around his middle. His stomach growled.

"You didn't eat your apple." He said.

"I ate some of it." He said.

"Did you eat anything else?" Nanami asked. He shrugged. He still felt a little queasy after
trying to force feed himself, "Come on, get dressed."

He planted his hands on Satoru's back and bounced him against the bed. When they were kids
Nanami would call this bullying. He'd bully Satoru into a lot of things by just obnoxiously
bouncing him in place.

"Do I have to?" He groaned and rolled over to his back. He put his glasses back on.

"Yeah. I'm taking you out to eat." Nanami said.

"I can't. I'm ugly today." Satoru shook his head. He hadn't washed his hair, or his face, or
brushed his teeth, or anything really. His day had been spent in bed switching between the
same four apps for six hours.

"Then get pretty." He said. Satoru sat up. Nanami's makeup had smudged around his eyes. He
always put black in the waterline of his eyes, and he usually wore mascara to keep his eyes
dark. But by the end of the day it would smudge into big black racoon circles under his eyes.
Satoru wasn't sure Nanami really cared all that much.

"I don't know what to wear." He said. He couldn't even think about what clothes he owned.
He was pretty sure he still had a pair of sweatpants.

"Can I pick out an outfit for you?" Nanami asked.

"Sure." He shrugged.

Nanami stood and wandered around the dorm. Satoru had a clean laundry hamper that
Nanami pulled a cream colored sweatshirt out of. The skinny jeans he wore every day were
still just sitting on the floor, waiting to be worn again. Nanami tossed the items at him and
opened his wardrobe. He had a denim jacket with a few buttons on the collar. Shoko had
given him one that said 'This girl loves math' with two thumbs up. He had a sparkly rainbow
unicorn button that said 'Believe' on it. He had a little Tokomon button to round out the
triangle.

"Where's your jewelry box, fag." Nanami handed him a pair of white sneakers.

"Bottom of the wardrobe." Satoru stood up to get changed. Nanami knelt on the floor and dug
through the little box. He handed Satoru a pair of tiny little silver hoops.

"You wear Old Spice?" Nanami frowned at the bottle of deodorant he'd picked up from the
desk.

"You wear Axe." Saturo said.

"Old Spice is worse." He tossed the stick of deodorant at him. Satoru ran a hand through his
greasy hair, "You alright?"

"I haven't showered today." He said.

 "I've got dry shampoo." Nanami said.

"I don't use dry shampoo." Saturo put in his earrings.

"Fine. I'll do it." He grabbed the bottle and pushed him down into the desk chair. He sprayed
him down and ruffled through his hair. It smelled sweet and fruity, but also like chemicals,
"What do you want to eat?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. He couldn't think about eating right now.

"Then we're getting katsudon." Nanami said, "I know a place that also sells tofu donburi."

"Thank you." He said. He tried not to eat meat when it could be helped, it made his stomach
hurt and he always felt guilty afterwards. But tofu and imitation meat couldn't get anywhere
close to real thing. If Nirvana meant a life without suffering, it meant a life eating pork.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Better? I think?" He said.

"Cool. Grab your phone." He said.

Satoru pulled his phone off the charger and followed Nanami outside. They drove off
campus, and toward downtown.

"Aren't we picking up Haibara?" Satoru asked.

"No, I said I'm taking you out to eat. I'm not taking Haibara." Nanami said.

"Won't he get upset?"

"It's fine." Nanami bristled. It was hard to tell when he was uncomfortable, but he had a
couple tells.

"You sure?" He asked.

"Yeah. Promise." He said.

Chapter End Notes

A Playlist for yall

 Champagne Problems
Chapter Summary

You had a speech you're speechless

Love slipped beyond your reaches

And I couldn't give a reason

Chapter Notes

CW: Discussions about death, suicidal ideation, irresponsible/underage drinking,

referenced violence as an act of self-defense

Halloween was fast approaching. Satoru was stuck looking at all his old pictures of his
couples costumes with Suguru. Last year they'd done a Great Gatsby thing. Suguru wore a
pinstripe suit, and a fedora, and ate suckers all night pretending they were cigarettes. Satoru
wore a black slip dress, and long black gloves, and the tallest heels he could find in his size,
and more pearls than were really practical. He'd gone out and bought a Revlon lipstick in the
color Black Cherry. He'd debating swapping out his usual glasses for a pair of tinted ones so
he could do his eyes, but after desperately trying to make mascara work, he'd given up.
Another year they'd done Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. But Suguru had been too
self conscious so he got a t-shirt printed to look like a woman wearing a bikini top, and
leather pants. Satoru had dressed up like a school girl, with little pink bows in his hair. The
first year they were together they'd gone as Lola and Bugs Bunny, which was by far the most
comfortable of the three.

And now who was he supposed to dress up with? How was he supposed to find an excuse to
dress like a whore when he didn't have someone to cheer him on? Maybe he could just ignore
Halloween this year.

Nanami dropped his backpack on the floor and looked through the cabinets for snacks. He
seemed tense.

"You okay?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Nanami said. He hissed through his teeth and pulled a granola bar out of the
cupboard. He closed the cupboard door hard enough to make Satoru jump a little.
"You sure?" He sat up in bed and put his phone down. His glasses were sitting on the
nightstand, and the lights made his eyes ache.

"Did you go to class today?" Nanami bit into the granola bar.

"Yeah." He sighed. Satrou could see his nose wrinkling. His jaw must be hurting him again,
he really needed to stop grinding his teeth.

"Nice. That's really awesome." He said blankly.

"Thanks." He tried for a smile, "Halloween is coming up."

"Sure is. Do you have plans?" Nanami asked. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned
against his desk. His shirt was riding up, leaving a sliver of his hip exposed.

"Not unless you do." Satoru said.

"Guess you get to watch Shoko and I get drunk then." He shrugged and threw the wrapper
away. He reached up and stretched out his shoulders.

"Are you sure you're fine?" Satoru bit his lip. He could feel little insects of paranoia leaving
trails of goosebumps in his skin. He did something wrong. Nanami was mad, and it was his
fault.

"Honestly, I'm not, but you're worse right now, so I'll just tell Shoko later. I'm sorry for taking
it out on you." He said.

"No, that's not fair. What happened?" Satoru asked.

"Haibara dumped me." He said. Satoru held his arms out for a hug. Nanami paused for a long
while, then sat next to him on the bed. He leaned into him and waited for Satoru to wrap his
arms around him.

"Why didn't you wanna talk to me about that?"

"Geto was your whole world. You two were a complete unit, and you're still healing from
that. Haibara and I weren't anywhere close to that, I don't wanna waste your time." He said
with a sigh.

If Satoru looked carefully enough, he could see his lip quivering. He could feel his chest
constrict tightly. Nanami was like a safe. He was never emotional, or vulnerable, or anything.
He rarely even smiled. That little quiver was as close to a breakdown he'd ever really seen,
and he wasn't planning on telling Satoru about it at all.

"You can always come talk to me about stuff." Satoru pulled away to look down at him.

"My feelings aren't worth your energy." Nanami said.

"That's so dumb. Talk to me. I want to listen to you" Satoru said.

"It's not like it's a big deal. He said the feelings had just fizzled out. It happens. He found
someone he liked better, and so he left." Nanami sighed and wiped his eyes. Satoru held him
as close as he could.

"Are you crying?" He asked gently. Nanami shrugged. Tears rolled silently down his cheeks.
Satoru reached for tissues. He tried to hide the panic rising when he realized Nanami was
crying. And it wasn't big, ugly sobs like Satoru had. It was just as silent as everything else
about him, just tears and sniffles.

"It's so stupid." He huffed and tried to collect himself.

"It's not stupid. It sucks. Feel your feelings, remember?" Satoru told him.

"Yeah. I know." He sighed.

"What do you need?" Satoru asked.

"Can you buy me booze?" Nanami's voice cracked. He tried for a smile, but it wasn't very
convincing. Maybe his smile muscles were out of practice.

"Buddah says no." Satoru said.

"I thought you were a bad Buddhist." He said.

"Isn't drinking alone, like, the number one way to tell if you're a depressed alcoholic?" Satoru
asked.

"I'm not drinking alone if you're here." He said.

In the end, Satoru caved and bought him a bottle of liquor, on the condition that he used
Nanami's cash. He climbed back into the passenger seat and handed Nanami the bottle he
bought.

"You can't drink it all at once." Satoru told him.

"I'm depressed, not stupid." Nanami rolled his eyes. He set the bottle in the back, "Thanks."

"You drink too much." Satoru told him.

"Yeah, I know." Nanami said, "Wanna watch a movie?"

"What do you wanna watch?"

"The Lego Movie?" He shrugged.

"Seriously?"

"It's a paradoxical commentary on the vitality of creative individualism in a totalitarian

corporate capitalist landscape that relies on standardization. It also takes into consideration
the role of God as both a benevolent creator and a scapegoat for the wealthy. It's an Orwellian
masterpiece." Nanami said.

"Fine, we can watch The Lego Movie. You nerd." Satoru shrugged. Nanami was quiet on the
drive home. Satoru tapped his shoulder to remind him to unclench his jaw.

They crawled into Satoru's bed together and set up the laptop. Nanami leaned up against him
and drank straight from the bottle. Shoko sent a snapchat from a girl's room they didn't
recognize. Nanami paused the movie and started recording a video.

"Gojo bought me a sorry you got dumped present." He held up the bottle, "We're watching
The Lego Movie."

He hit send and snuggled up against Satoru. He could already smell the alcohol on his breath.

"You smell good." Nanami muttered softly.

"I thought you hated Old Spice." Satoru said.

"It makes you smell like pink Starbursts." Nanami said, "It's nice."

He pressed play on the movie and rested his head on Satoru's chest. By the end of the movie,
Nanami had drunk half the bottle and his cheeks had flushed pink. He clung to Satoru's waist
like his life depended on it. His nose was pressed against his neck. Suguru used to fall asleep
like this. His hair used to fall all over his face and he'd have to comb it down against the
pillows. He missed him so much.

"Satoru." Nanami whispered against his skin. It made his chest ache.

"Nanami." He replied.

"Do you ever think about dying?" Nanami asked. His hair smelled like hairspray and dry
shampoo. Satoru's voice caught in his throat. He rolled over so he could look at Nanami
easier. His eyes were lighter than Suguru's. They were marbled with ribbons of gold and olive
green, like a cat.

"What do you mean?" Satoru asked. Of course the answer was yes, but there was so much
possibility loaded into a single question.

"What do you think it's like?" He asked.

"Well, I think we're all reborn into-"

"No, that's not what I mean. What do you think dying feels like? I don't care what happens
afterward, I'll be dead by then." Nanami's eyebrows furrowed together.

"It probably hurts a lot." He said.

"But old people die all the time, and it doesn't seem like it hurts them." Nanami told them.
"Yeah, I guess that's fair." He shrugged.

"I bet it feels nice to die." He said after a long pause. Satoru's heart hurt, but he couldn't quite
tell why. He wondered how often Nanami thought about this. He wondered if Nanami read a
book about it somewhere. Did they write books like that? He thought about the stack of
books by Nanami's bed. How many of them were about dying?

"I can see that." Satoru nodded.

"I bet your brain releases all kinds of shit and you just feel high. And then I think it feels like
falling asleep after you've been awake for so long you start going a little crazy." Nanami said.
His breath smelled like liquor. His nose had turned rosy and pink.

"Do you want to die?" Satoru wasn't sure he wanted the answer to that question.

"No. I already paid tuition, I can't die until January." He said.

"What about Valentine's Day?" Satoru asked.

"Why bother? Haibara doesn't love me anymore so it's not like I can celebrate anyway. Might
as well just get it over with." He shrugged. Satoru didn't know how to argue with that. He
didn't know if he could argue at all. It's not like he was much better off right now. He just
moved a little closer, as close as he could with Nanami holding his bottle like a teddy bear
against his chest.

"I'll be your Valentine." Satoru told him.

"March then." He told him, "Maybe April to round it out to an even six months."

"You'll miss my birthday." Satoru said.

"Yeah, I'll miss mine too." He pressed his face against Satoru's chest, "Thank you for keeping
me warm tonight."

"Thank you for talking to me." He said gently. Nanami had the whole world ahead of him. He
was a full year younger, but he'd graduated high school early, and he was on track to finish
college early too. He was at the top of every class. He was going into a high paying field that
always needed more people. But he'd been depressed since the day they'd met, and none of
the medication he tried ever worked. He had a drinking problem, and seemed to never find a
way to stay in a relationship.

"Sorry for being depressing." He mumbled.

"It's okay." Satoru said.

"I'm probably not helping you much." He said.

"Did it help you?" Satoru asked.

"I think a little." He said.

"Then it's okay." He promised. Nanami smelled so much like himself. No more Axe, or cheap
cologne, just the subtle aroma of skin, and sweat, and sweetness. Suguru always smelled so
strongly, no matter what he did, he was so overwhelmingly Suguru. Nanami was light, and
fragrant. He wanted to bottle the smell of Suguru like perfume, and he wanted to keep
Nanami close to breathe him in forever. He took his glasses off and set them on the dresser
next to them. The moonlight in the window made everything look soft and silvery. Nanami
had turned the dull gray Suguru had left him with into something precious that Satoru needed
to cherish.

"Satoru, when I die will you bring me flowers?" Nanami asked.

"What kind of flowers do you want?" He asked.

"Something white. Maybe calla lilies?" He gripped his t-shirt tightly. Sometimes he was just
so young. He hid it well, but right now Nanami was just such a child. He let himself be small,
he allowed Satoru to hold him.

"Calla lily bouquets are ugly." Satoru said.

"Then roses. Maybe both. I don't care." He told him.

"Roses are too romantic." He said. Roses were for lovers. Husbands and wives gave roses,
they didn't deserve to be funeral flowers. They should be colorful and beautiful and.

"What would you bring then?" He asked.

"I'm not sure." Satoru said with a sigh.

"Surprise me then, you have good taste, I trust you." He said, "Can I stay here with you
tonight?"

"Your bed is right there." Satoru said. He didn't want Nanami to move anywhere.

"I know." Nanami said.

"You can stay, but I'm moving your bottle." Satoru told him. Nanami nodded and passed it
over to him.

"I don't wanna be alone." He said.

"You don't need to be." Satoru set his bottle and the laptop on the dresser and rolled back
over to face him. Nanami snuggled into his chest and closed his eyes.

~*~

Halloween ended up being a party of three. Shoko came to the dorm and passed a bottle
between her and Nanami. They stopped offering any to Satoru years ago, which he
appreciated. Shoko brought a monitor over so they could watch Rocky Horror Picture Show
together.
"How many of those outfits do you think Satoru would wear?" Shoko asked.

"Better question, how many outfits wouldn't he wear." Nanami took a sip and passed it to
Shoko.

"He's too much of a twink to pull off Eddy's look. But I think he'd do Rocky." Shoko said.

"It's slutty enough for him. But he'd add a bikini top and complain about wearing gold the
whole night." Nanami said.

"You could just ask. I'm right here." He said.

"Okay, I'm asking." Nanami turned to him.

"I'm gonna be totally honest with you, I think I already have that burlesque outfit from the
floor show at the end." He sighed, "My gloves are different though."

"And we haven't seen it yet?" Shoko asked.

"I got it for Suguru." Admitting that made his skin sit uncomfortably hot. He watched
Nanami take another swig.

"Slut." Nanami snorted.

"Shut up." Satoru folded his arms over his chest.

"What do you do with your dick?" Nanami asked. He blinked slowly, like a cat. His face was
flush pink. It was hard to tell when Nanami was drunk, but he had a few tells that Satoru had
learned.

"Take it off." Satoru said. Shoko choked on the booze and fell into a coughing fit.

"No, seriously, how does it fit in the panties like that?" He asked.

"It just sits there. There's like, yknow, a bulge, but you don't do anything with it unless you're
wearing something tiny." Satoru shrugged.

"Really? It doesn't pop out or anything?" Nanami frowned at him. He suddenly felt much
closer. Bumping knees felt almost painfully intimate.

"Dude, how big is your dick?" Satoru blinked at him.

"I'm just curious, I don't wear women's underwear." He shrugged.

"No, just the rest of their wardrobe." Satoru rolled his eyes.

"Oh my god, just fuck each other already." Shoko groaned.

"We're not gonna fuck." Nanami scowled at her.

"Then why are you so obsessed with him wearing panties?" She asked. Gojo stared into his
lap. Nanami was just tipsy, he knew that. But the question still made him want to hide under
the bed.

"I'm not!" He protested. They bickered back and forth about it for a minute, until Shoko
interrupted again.

"You have to shut up." Shoko said, "You're making the lesbian sick."

"Sorry, Shoko." Satoru said.

"You guys suck this year. You're so depressing." She huffed.

"Wonder why." Nanami slumped back into the couch.

"Can't you guys just rebound with each other and get over it so I can have fun again." She
asked.

"I don't need a rebound." Nanami frowned.

"And there's no way I'd fuck you.You're too skinny. You're even more of a twink than I am"
Satoru frowned at him.

"Bottom bitch." Nanami took another gulp.

"Shut up and watch the movie." Shoko smacked them with a pillow.

~*~

She left after the movie was over. Nanami was drunk enough to start slurring his words
together, which meant he probably wasn't gonna remember anything tomorrow, if he was
even sober by then. He giggled at everything Satoru said and he was stuck in a permanent
blush.

"I was serious about where your dick goes." Nanami smiled at him. He so rarely smiled when
he was sober. His nose would wrinkle between his eyes and his cheeks would dimple. He
wished he'd smile more.

"I thought I told you already." Satoru rolled his eyes.

"You didn't tell me what you do if your dick is too big to fit." Nanami laughed.

"It's not like you'll ever need to know." He said.

"But I'm curious." He rolled over to his stomach and propped his head up on his hand with a
dazed looking smile.

"You've got options." He shrugged. His stomach turned. Even if Nanami was drunk, it felt
vulnerable in a way that made his knees feel like jello.
"Can I see?" Nanami asked.

"What do you mean?" He blushed. Something pooled in the pit of his stomach when he
thought about it. He thought about standing in his underwear for Nanami to critique like an
art piece and the warmth in his belly mixed with his anxiety until he wasn't sure which was
which.

"I wanna see how it works." He said.

"Absolutely not. I'm not just gonna parade around for you like that." Satoru told him.

"Why not?" Nanami whined.

"Because that's weird." He said.

"Is it like a sex thing? Do they have sex toys that do that?" Nanami blinked at him slowly.
Satoru heard somewhere that when cats do that it means they love you because you make
them feel safe. He wondered if the same was true for Nanami, or if he was just drunk enough
to not know why he felt sleepy.

"For some people. They have sex toys for it." Satoru felt nauseous. He kept thinking about
his search history, and the websites he'd scroll through in the middle of the night. He'd been
too scared to ever try it himself, but he thought about it all the time.

"How do they work?" He asked.

"Not great if you're trying to look like you have a vagina." He said.

"Are you avoiding the question?" Nanami crawled a little closer to him. He asked with a
giggle. His breath smelled like alcohol.

"No." He protested.

"You are." Nanami gasped, "You're into it, aren't you?"

"I am not!" Satoru whined.

"Whore." Nanami laughed and rolled over to his back, "Haibara was so boring. Kinkiest
thing he ever wanted was praise."

"And that's bad?" Satoru raised an eyebrow.

"Duh. Vanilla gets so boring." He groaned and took another drink. Satoru reached for it and
Nanami whined loudly and held it out of reach.

"I'm cutting you off." Satoru said.

"No." He squirmed.
"It's not good for you." Satoru reached again. Nanami squirmed, but let him take it. He put
the cap back on and set it on top of the wardrobe.

"But if I'm drunk I don't wanna kill myself." Nanami huffed and pouted at Satoru. He didn't
like how easily the words slipped out of his mouth. He wondered how many times he thought
about it. Probably every time he drank.

"That's not good." Satoru said.

"Solutions are solutions." He grinned.

"I'm not getting into it with you right now. We can talk in the morning if you want." Satoru
scolded him.

"I wanna snuggle." He held his arms out.

"You stink." Satoru frowned.

"Pretty please?" He blinked.

Satoru sighed and held out his arms. Nanami slid onto his lap and laughed. The smell of rum
burned his nose and made his eyes water. Nanami sighed and hugged him tightly. Satoru
wrapped his arms around his hips and moved his head into the crook of his neck.

"Haibara used to sit on my lap like this. He used to give me kisses right here." Nanami ran his
fingers down the side of his neck and across his collarbone. Satoru shivered. Suguru used to
leave kisses there too, but usually he saved it for when Satoru would straddle his hips and
grind up against him, "He was so cute. He used to give me so many hugs."

"You never talked about him, I don't know what he was like to date." Satoru said.

"He was so needy. It was hard to keep up with him sometimes. He was so innocent and naive,
it felt like I couldn't talk to him about anything. He was really sweet, but I don't think he got
me." Nanami said against the skin of his neck. He was just touch starved after Haibara. He
wasn't trying to come onto Satoru, he just wanted hugs and kisses again. He had to remember
that.

"What do you mean?" Satoru asked.

"He'd ask what was wrong and I'd try to talk to him about it. I'd tell him I was depressed, and
sometimes I thought about how I'd die, and he'd just say no, don't kill yourself, you have so
much to live for. And he'd get really upset that I didn't care enough about him to stop it I
guess? And eventually I just gave up trying to make him understand." Nanami sighed.

"Do I get it?" Satoru asked.

"I think you do now. You gave me good reasons, like Valentine's day, and nice even numbers,
and birthday parties." Nanami hummed into his neck.
"I always assumed you were really happy together." He moved the hair out of Nanami's face
and pulled him close.

"Yeah. I know." He hummed softly.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. We usually were. But I don't think we were ever gonna last. I always thought you
and Suguru were unbreakable. I'm sorry I was wrong." Nanami said.

"It's okay." Satoru swallowed, "The last year was hard on us."

"I bet." Nanami said, "Didn't you stab that guy?"

"Yeah." Satoru felt his chest clench.

"Did he die?"

"No."

"That's good. Buddha can't get mad if he didn't die." Nanami told him.

"That's not how that works." Satoru sighed.

"I think it should be. You deserve good things." Nanami said. He held onto Satoru's shirt
tightly, "I like sleeping with you. You're warm and you smell good."

"I like sleeping with you too." Satoru said gently.

"Can we sleep together again?" Nanami asked. Satoru nodded. He missed having a warm
body next to him every night.
 The Archer
Chapter Summary

I never grew up

I'm getting so old

Help me hold onto you

Chapter Notes

CW: Irresponsible drinking, talking about porn, suicidal ideation, thoughts of self harm,
mildly dubious consent, drunk sex

Satoru woke up gently, to a softly snoring Nanami in his arms. He was cute when he was
sleeping. Satoru pulled him in closer and hummed gently. Nanami woke up with a groan and
hid his face in Satoru's shirt.

"It's too bright." He said, "Gimme your glasses."

Gojo reached over to get them off the nightstand. Nanami slipped them on and swung a leg
over Satoru to straddle his hips, "You got really drunk last night."

"Yeah, I can tell. My head is pounding." He sighed.

"What do you remember?" Satoru asked.

"I think I blacked out somewhere between the movie and Shoko leaving." He said, "What did
we talk about?"

"Not much." He shrugged. He replayed the conversation in his mind. He blushed when he
thought about it.

"Liar. Sorry for making you uncomfortable. I've been lonely the last couple weeks." He said
with a defeated sigh. He arched his back to stretch out his shoulders, "We were talking about
Haibara. I remember that. Why did I start talking about Haibara? You were mad at me. Did I
ask about underwear again?"

"Yeah." Satoru sighed.

"Lucky for you I forgot most of that conversation." Nanami groaned and climbed off of him.
He missed the weight of another body on top of him, but he felt awkward pulling him back
down.

"What had you so insistent?" Satoru asked as Nanami took a sip from his water bottle.

"I'm curious. I've never had the desire, so I wanted to know what it was like." He shrugged.

"That's it?" He asked.

"Yeah, pretty much." He said, "Why do you like it so much? Cross dressing seems hard."

"I think I look good in dresses and stuff." He said.

"Do you think you're actually a woman?" Nanami asked. The glasses suited his face. All the
sharp lines and angles contrasted nicely with Satoru's round glasses. He should really get
those prescription photophobia glasses his doctor told him about, but his hatred of the color
red was holding him back more than he cared to admit.

"No, I'd tell you something like that. It's just for fun." He said.

"Do you have a preference? For like, men's or women's clothing?" Nanami asked.

"Not really. I usually like to mix things up. Dressing up is fun, but I usually prefer something
more subtle." He shrugged.

"Do you wear boxers or is it always panties?" Nanami took the glasses off and tossed an arm
over his eyes. He looked so tired.

"Depends." He shrugged, "Why?"

"Curious. What are you wearing now?" He asked.

"I'm not answering that."

"Pussy." Nanami said.

Satoru laid back down in bed. His bedsheets smelled like Nanami. He didn't want him to
leave like Suguru did. He opened his phone and looked through Instagram. He wished he had
a head laying on his chest, someone pressed against his side. He didn't really care who. He
just didn't want to be alone anymore.

"Satoru." Nanami asked, "Do you ever just want company? Like, I don't wanna go through a
relationship right now, I don't have it in me, but I want to feel close to someone again."

"Yeah. I get it." He sighed loudly.

"Can we snuggle more often?" He asked. He looked over at Satoru, blinking in light. He
looked so tired, but it was hard to tell what was bags under his eyes and what was smudged
makeup.
"I didn't know you like physical affection that much." Satoru wanted to scream until Nanami
settled back on top of him.

"I don't, I'm just lonely." Nanami said. He knew the feeling so well. He knew how deeply the
alone could steep into you. How the feeling chilled your bones in a way that could only be
warmed back up by someone else's body heat.

"Me too." He said quietly, "Do you think you'll ever get over Haibara?"

"Yeah, it's just gonna take time." He said, "Do you think you'll ever get over Suguru?"

"I don't know. I don't think so." Satoru said.

"That makes sense." Nanami sighed.

"Does that make me a terrible person?" Satoru asked.

"No, I don't think so. You guys had been friends your whole lives, you were supposed to get
married in April. I don't think you can be the same person you were before." Nanami shook
his head, "I think that's okay though."

"Thanks for validating me." He said.

"I'm taking Dad's side in the divorce." He joked.

"I thought you'd call me Mom to tease me for being a little effeminate." Satoru said.

"You're very effeminate. But you're definitely a dad. Moms get self conscious when you take
their picture. Dads get way too excited about everything and make you try on stupid hats
when you go shopping together." Nanami said.

His parents were kind. His dad was a salaryman and his mother stayed at home. They paid
for their son to go to college, and tried not to react when he came home with new piercings
and cut his own hair in the bathroom. Nanami never told them he was gay. The story Satoru
heard said that they walked in on him making out in bed with some guy and later his mom sat
him down and told him she loved him. It was so picturesque. Nanami told him he felt guilty
for struggling so much when he never suffered like he felt like he should've.

Satoru's mom was different. His dad left when he was two, and mom was just trying her best.
But she was strict, and very traditional. It made sense, he was supposed to inherit the
company once he graduated, and he had to uphold the family name. Especially after the
single mom "scandal" they'd already had to deal with. Satoru thought the whole thing was
stupid, but his mom insisted things go her way. He did the whole sit down thing when he left
for college, he'd already been seeing Suguru for over a year by that point. She congratulated
him when he got engaged, but still called him about nice girls she thought he'd like. He didn't
hate her, he knew how hard she worked for him, he just wished she was different.

"Seems reductive." Satoru said.

"Am I wrong?" He asked.

"No, not really."

"Exactly." Nanami sighed. There was a long pause. Satoru could feel the weight of silence
pressing down on him. It felt like a safety blanket keeping him warm, "Do you think you'll
adopt those kids?"

"Probably. I'm talking to their mom, and she's been worried about being targeted or
something. I don't really get it, but she seems freaked out. She's trying to make sure I get the
kids, but she can't afford a lawyer and won't accept any money." He bit his lip.

"Do you have any idea how to be a Dad?" Nanami asked.

"No, but I've met that boy once and if anything happened to him I'd kill myself. Which seems
like a good start." Satoru said.

"You know older adoptees are a lot harder to manage. They tend to be pretty wild
troublemakers." Nanami said.

"I know. I've read everything I can find. But I can take it." Satoru said.

"Because you're Gojo Satoru." Nanami said softly.

"Exactly." He sighed.

"I'm cold." Nanami said.

"Still plenty warm over here." Satoru said. He could still feel Nanami's body heat where he'd
spent the night.

"Good for you." Nanami scoffed.

"You're the one who left."

"I felt intrusive." He set the sunglasses back down on the nightstand and crawled back into
Satoru's bed. He pulled the blankets up and over his shoulders.

"Welcome back." Satoru told him.

"Quit staring at me." He frowned and hid his face against Satoru's shoulder. He looked cute
from this angle.

"You didn't take your makeup off last night." Satoru said.

"I was really drunk." Nanami said.

"You'll give yourself an eye infection." Satoru told him.

"It's fine." He grumbled.

~*~
Nanami did eventually get up and wash his face. But he jumped right back into bed with
Satoru. He laid on his stomach and watched videos on his phone. He chewed on a granola bar
while Satoru worked on his homework. He'd never seen Nanami quite so clingy before. But
right now he had math homework. Sometimes he really regretted majoring in mathematics,
but he'd always sucked at the artsy stuff. Numbers were always the same, logic was always
logic, and even theoretical math still followed the rules. Why he ever took that religion class
was beyond him, he wasn't sure his GPA would ever recover from that mistake.

"Did you hear that professor's under investigation?" Nanami asked.

"Which one?"

"Ryomen." Nanami said. Satoru raised an eyebrow, "The guy that failed your midterm
because you called him a cunt."

"He's under investigation?" Satoru asked.

"Allegedly, he was having an affair with his TA." Nanami said, "He might be getting
suspended next semester."

"I thought she was a lesbian. She looks like a lesbian." Satoru said.

"I think they're a them." Nanami said.

"That makes sense." Satoru nodded, "Still insane that they went for that asshole of all
people."

"That's so weird." Nanami shook his head.

"Hope they find weird porn on his computer and he gets fired." Satoru twirled his pencil
between his fingers.

Nanami rolled over and crawled between Satoru and his homework. He instinctively dropped
his pencil and held his hips. Maybe he liked it when Nanami was a little needy. Maybe he
liked getting interrupted by a cute little blond boy in tight clothes.

"What's the weirdest porn you've watched?"

"I'm not answering that." He frowned.

"I once found a video of a guy in a fursuit fucking two balloons taped together." Nanami said.

"You're disgusting." Satoru said.

"I didn't get off to it, I just skipped through it to see what happened." He shrugged, "But now
you have to tell me yours."

"I don't though." Satoru said.

"No, you have to." Nanami wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned forward. His hair
was messy, and still had enough product that when he pushed it back out of his face, it stayed.
He looked nice with his hair out of his eyes.

"I found a video of a guy wearing a shock collar. Is that weird enough?" Satoru asked.
Something about how cute he looked made him want to answer. And Nanami had always
asked weird questions like this, it wasn't that out of the ordinary.

"Was it just the shock collar?" Nanami asked.

"No."

"What was the rest of it?"

"He was dressed up like a maid, and was serving drinks at this party, thing, I guess, I don't
know. And if he did a bad job he got shocked." Satoru shrugged.

"I feel like there's weirder stuff out there." Nanami shrugged. He didn't seem too impressed.

"That's not enough?" Satoru felt his face flush.

"You probably still jacked off." He said. Satoru felt his stomach twist, "You're blushing."

"I am not. Most people don't get barraged with weird porn all the time. " He frowned.

"Were you imagining being the maid or a guy at the party?" Nanami asked.

"Shut up." Satoru gently pushed him off his lap. Nanami rolled over onto his back.

"You're boring." Nanami pouted.

~*~

Nanami was getting dressed up. Satoru watched him carefully pick out a t-shirt that was too
small, and jeans that were too tight, and bracelets up to his mid forearm. Satoru spotted a
rainbow kandi bracelet. They'd made them as a pair, and Satoru had the matching one.
Nanami's said slut, and Satoru's said whore. Eventually Shoko had gotten one that said
hooker, and Suguru had courtesan. He wondered if Suguru still had his.

"Where are you going?" Satoru asked.

"I'm sad and lonely, and there's a gay bar down the street that doesn't card." Nanami said.

"We have class in the morning. And you got wasted last night." Satoru frowned.

"That was depressed drunk. I'm shooting for horny drunk tonight." Nanami shrugged. He
pulled out his little eyeliner pencil. Satoru hated watching him scrub the makeup into his
eyes, watching him tug on his eyes like that made him wanna throw up.

"Nanami, I don't think this is a good idea." Satoru told him.

"Do you have a better way to get me into a stranger's bed?" Nanami asked.

"Nana, come on." Satoru reached for his shoulder. Nanami turned to glare at him.

"My name is Nanami." He snapped. What did Satoru do to him?

"I think you should stay home. We can watch a movie. I can order food." Gojo offered.

"Why bother? Who gives a shit? I'm gonna kill myself before it matters anyway." He scoffed
and put his eyeliner away. He checked his pockets, and turned to leave, "Don't wait up for
me."

He was gone before Satoru could think of what to say. He just sat on the floor with a sigh. He
stared at the stupid pamphlet the college handed out at the beginning of every semester. It had
somehow ended up stuffed between his bed and the wardrobe.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide call or text the
campus helpline. 1-800-XXX-XXXX

He should call. He knew the warning signs listed out in the pamphlet. He didn't need to
check. Hell, Nanami had outright told him. He should call for help. That's what a good friend
would do. He reached for the pamphlet. He should tell someone.

He stood up and threw the paper in the wastebasket. He'd heard too many stories. People
calling helplines only to be told they should just stop being depressed, that their problems
weren't that bad and they should get over it. People getting locked away for years on end and
drugged until they couldn't move. He couldn't do that to Nanami. He needed something
beyond a campus helpline.

Was Satoru a bad person? Was he letting his friend die? He wished he had Suguru. He always
knew what to do. His chest ached. He could feel himself trying to cry, but he'd moved beyond
pain crying could fix. He just sat and stared at his hands in his lap. He'd hurt people. And he
was hurting the only friend he had left. And he felt nothing. Just a frigid numbness that
steeped into his bones like cream into coffee. He had no choice but to sink into it. He laid
back onto the floor, feeling heavy and dazed.

The apathy twisted his guts into guilt. He should feel bad. He should be chasing Nanami
down and bringing him home. He should be bundling him up and kissing his forehead and
tucking him in. But he was laying on the floor, picking out shapes in the drywall on the
ceiling. He could still dig the pamphlet out of the trash. He wouldn't. But he could. And
somehow that didn't make him feel better. He knew he was hurting, but it was too deep in his
stomach. He needed to force it out. He needed to feel okay enough to cry. He knew there was
a pair of scissors on the desk.

And that was all he needed to start panicking. He scrambled to get up and throw them into
the wardrobe and shove a chair underneath the handle. He knew Nanami usually carried a
pocket knife. He knew he had a few. But he wasn't sure where they were. He grabbed the
blanket off his bed and cocooned himself in it. He held his phone up to his ear.
"Shoko? Are you busy?" He curled and uncurled his toes, trying to force himself to relax.

"I'm doing homework. Where's Nanami?" She asked.

"He's, uhm, out, I guess. He said he's going to this gay bar." Satoru sighed.

"Oh, yeah, I know the place." She said, "You okay?"

"I don't wanna be alone. Can you come over? You can bring your homework." He said.

"Do you need supervision?" She asked.

"I'm not a toddler." He scoffed. He did need supervision. He missed Suguru. He was always
there when he needed him.

"Can you be alone for like 10 minutes while I pack up my shit?" She asked.

"I can handle 10 minutes." He said. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself.

"Cool. Be there soon." She said.

She'd actually taken closer to 20 minutes. In the meantime, he'd gathered all the sharp things
he could find and dumped them in a box. He handed it to her and she took it without
question. She sat on Nanami's bed and did her homework on her stomach, with the box
tucked under her chest. They didn't talk. She had her headphones in. But that was fine, she
was present, and that's what mattered. He wondered if Nanami had ever done this. Shoko
seemed practiced. She hadn't even bothered to look in the box.

Eventually he found himself relaxing. The anxiety had passed, he was okay again. He chewed
on his cheek and wondered what he was supposed to do if it happened again. Would it
happen again? Or was this some kind of weird one off thing? He wondered if he'd just default
to complete emptiness from now on.

"Hey, Shoko?" Satoru asked.

"I'm not giving you the box." She pulled out one of her headphones.

"That's not what I was gonna say." He frowned.

"Good." She glanced over at him.

"Are you worried about Nanami?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah, a little. I know he'll bounce back eventually, but who knows what state he'll be in."
She sighed.

"Has he done this before?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah, every two weeks or so he'll spiral, but he only gets bad like once or twice a year,
usually after something triggers it out." She shrugged.
"What do we do?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know. Harm reduction I guess? At least for now." She bit her lip

"Oh." He sighed.

"Why do you think I was teasing you guys so much? If he needs to get drunk and fuck his
feelings out, I'd much rather him do it with someone I know is safe, sober, and has his best
interest at heart. Of course I'd rather him just get better, but you know." She said. She was
always closer to Nanami than Satoru. She knew how he worked, and knew how to fix him.

"Do my feelings matter in this?" Satoru asked.

"You broke up with your boyfriend and you called me over to cuddle with your box of
sharps. I think you need the company just as much as he does." Shoko fiddled with her
pencil. She tucked her hair behind her ear and kept scribbling down notes on heart anatomy
or something.

"He was my fiancé." Satoru corrected.

"And the last year has made you fundamentally different people. The only reason you had a
relationship at all is because of the shared trauma." She told him. Satoru wanted to protest,
but he knew she'd just list out a bunch of medical terms to prove her point, "If I take this with
me, can I go have a smoke break?"

"That's fine, I think I'm doing better now." He said with a half hearted smile.

"I'm keeping the box with me." She said. He'd never tell her, but he was grateful.

~*~

Satoru felt a heavy weight on his hips that pulled him gently out of sleep. He blinked up at
the weight and groaned quietly.

"Suguru?" He mumbled.

"Nanami." He replied. Satoru went to check his phone but the bright light made him recoil
hard enough he didn't even see the screen. What time is it?"

"I dunno. I just got back." Nanami told him.

"I thought you were planning on going home with a guy." Satoru's voice was rough. He held
Nanami's hips gently. He could feel Nanami's skin from where his shirt rode up. He was so
warm.

"I was. Then I think I had a panic attack, I'm not sure, so he drove me home." He said.

Satoru blinked until his eyes adjusted to the dark again. Nanami stared at him with his head
cpcked to the side to keep his bangs out of his face.
"Why'd you wake me up?" Satoru asked. Nanami looked dreadfully pale. The room was quiet
enough he could hear Nanami's breathing and the bed creaking when he shifted his weight.

"I need company." Nanami told him.

"How much did you drink?" Satoru asked.

"Enough." He shrugged.

"What do you need?" Satoru asked. He pulled himself up to sit so he could look at Nanami
better. He looked so skinny, even skinnier than Satoru. But even despite that, Satoru might
have finally understood what everyone saw in him. His eyes glowed bronze, and the eyeliner
Satoru always teased him for made it hard to look away. The women's shirts that didn't fit
him right left little slivers of skin exposed, so it was easy to slip your fingers under his
clothes. Even his piercings glinted gently. Two lip rings, the septum ring, and a bunch of
earrings that Satoru didn't know the names for. He had his eyebrow pierced in the high school
bathroom, but it didn't heal well, so he stopped wearing it.

Nanami placed his hands on his shoulders and moved them up his neck and to his cheeks.
Nanami ran his thumbs over Satoru's cheekbones and delicately placed the pad of his thumb
over Satoru's lips. He felt his chest swell, but he couldn't quite tell what feeling filled him up.
Not quite excitement, maybe anticipation? He could hear the sheets rustle as Nanami leaned
over to him. He could feel his breath on his cheeks. The smell of alcohol burned his nose.
Satoru should make him stop. Nanami wasn't thinking clearly, and Satoru still wasn't even
sure if he wanted this.

But his hands stayed on his hips, even though he could feel Nanami moving closer. He didn't
know if he wanted to, but he leaned up into the kiss anyway. Nanami whimpered softly.
Satoru tightened his grip. He tasted like liquor. But his lips were soft and it felt nice to kiss
someone again. It was different than Suguru, he was gentler. Nanami cradled him, worked
around his curves, and made Satoru's heart skip a beat.

"Satoru." Nanami muttered gently.

"What is it?" He whispered.

"Can I ask you a favor?" He hid his face against Satoru's neck, "I'm sorry if it's weird."

"What do you need?" He felt his heart race in his chest. Nanami was pressed against the side
of his throat, opposite the long scar that still made Satoru queasy. His skin was so sensitive
now, usually it just meant he couldn't wear tight collars, but sometimes it meant that warm
breath, and delicate kisses, and teeth scraping over his skin made his nerves light up like
fireworks.

Nanami reached for the hand on his hip and gently moved it to sit at the front of his jeans,
"Please? Just this once. I'm lonely."

Satoru didn't know what he wanted. His mind was still a weird mix of guilt for getting
involved in something like this so soon after Suguru, and a desperate need to be touched
again. He felt anxiety twisting up in his chest, but he still nodded and cupped the front of his
jeans. Nanami let out a breath that sent shivers down Satoru's spine.

"You're wearing too many belts." Satoru told him. Nanami sat up and unbuckled the first belt
to let it fall to the floor. The second one was one of those awful woven belts with the slide
buckle. Satoru followed him up and reached for another kiss. He bumped into Nanami's nose,
but they fell back into rhythm quickly enough. Nanami wrapped his arms around his
shoulders and hid against his neck again. Satoru fumbled with the button of his jeans and
pulled them down far enough to reach down and feel him through his boxers. He could feel
his thighs twitch on either side of his hips. He tilted his head to the side, trying to give
Nanami more room.

Nanami pressed kisses from his collarbone to his jaw, gently rocking his hips against Satoru's
hand. Satoru whimpered softly. He could feel Nanami's arousal growing steadily.

"Baby." Satoru mumbled quietly.

"I'm not your baby." Nanami told him. But the twitch in his pants seemed to disagree. Oh
well, they could unpack that another day.

Nanami balled his hands into the back of his shirt and Nanami carefully reached into his
boxers. Satoru felt his cheeks heat up when he realized how big he was. His mouth watered
thinking about how heavy he'd feel on his tongue. What a shame it belonged to such a frail
little thing.

Nanami moaned softly in his ear and Satoru dug the tips of his fingers into his hips. He could
feel his hip bones under his skin. He grabbed fistfuls of Satoru's hair and he groaned a little
louder than he intended. Nanami froze.

"Sorry." He muttered. Nanami tugged at him again, forcing a gasp out of Satoru. He pressed
kisses to his throat and pulled Satoru's hair. His toes curled and he let his head fall back for
easier access. Nanami rocked his hips into Satoru's hand, slowly growing more frantic.

"Satoru." He sounded breathless and desperate.

"What do you need?" Satoru teased. He used to do this to Suguru too, but since the accident
he hadn't seemed that interested in the teasing. He hadn't realized how much he missed the
whining and whimpering in response. He missed the weight on his hips, the warmth, the
intimacy.

"Close." Nanami's hands were shaking.

"I am close, baby." Satoru teased. Nanami bit his shoulder in response. Satoru yelped.

Nanami planted his hands on his shoulders and pushed him over into the mattress. He pushed
his shirt up to his armpits and panted. It only took a few more pumps of his hand before
Nanami was spilling onto his stomach. He whimpered, his eyebrows knitting together, and
his mouth falling open gently.
Satoru looked down, his torso looked shiny with cum. He reached down onto the floor and
grabbed an old t-shirt he used as pajamas. Nanami leaned down to kiss him again while
Satoru tried to clean himself up.

"Do I have to give you a turn?" Nanami asked. Satoru thought about the half hardness in his
sweatpants.

"No, you need to sleep." He kissed his cheek.

"Promise?" Nanami asked. Satoru tossed the shirt to the side.

"Promise." He smiled.

"Can I sleep with you again tonight?"

"Sure." He said.

Nanami nodded and pulled his jeans off before he rolled over and snuggled up to Satoru. He
threw an arm over him and pulled him into his chest. He fell back asleep to the soft sounds of
Nanami quietly snoring.
 Cardigan
Chapter Summary

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone's bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

Chapter Notes

TW: panic attack at the end

Nanami was gone by the time Satoru woke up. He had a text saying he was leaving for class
early today. Satoru sighed, stretched, and got out of bed. His stomach still felt crusty, he must
not have wiped himself down well enough. They were lucky enough to have one of the Jack
and Jill bathrooms instead of the big communal showers that some of the other dorms had. It
made it a lot easier to shower with the lights out.

He ran over the events of last night in his head. He wanted to be embarrassed. He wished he
felt guilty or remorseful or something. But he didn't really. He'd enjoyed himself. He'd had
fun flirting and teasing, and he liked watching someone else come completely undone. He
wasn't sure he really had strong feelings about Nanami, but if another offer came up, he
wouldn't say no. And he was huge. He wondered how hard it would be to take something that
big. He imagined the feel of those kisses down his neck, and how it had lit sparks under his
skin.

He stepped out of the shower, turned on a light, and brushed his teeth and worked his way
through all his creams and serums and sunscreen. He stared at the tube of lip gloss he'd
bought. He bought it wanting to wear it out. It was clear, and came in a little squeeze tube,
and it should be easy enough to wear out. It's not like anyone would notice, and no one would
be surprised if he started wearing makeup every day. But the idea of taking the final step
made him feel sick. He was too pale for makeup. Everything showed up far too dark on him.
Even brown mascara made him look like a different person, not that anyone could tell behind
his glasses. He was doomed to a life of clear lip gloss, and he couldn't even bring himself to
do that.

He left the lip gloss where it was and grabbed a tube of chapstick instead. He grabbed his
backpack and headed off to class. He had four different math classes, and all of them were
miserable. He'd lean back in his chair and twirl his pencil around his fingers and only half
pay attention. At least Utahime was in his statistics class, at least then he could fold up little
paper footballs to flick at her so she'd get all pouty.

He called Nanami to ask if he wanted to get lunch together, but it rang through to voicemail.
He sighed loudly to himself and decided to just sit under a tree instead. He slowly worked
through his homework, at least it wasn't essays. Suguru was good at stuff like that. He'd
always been good at talking and writing. He used to watch movies in complete silence and at
the end he'd carefully formulate his thoughts on theme, character, and writing decisions. Even
dumb comedies like Pineapple Express. Satoru couldn't fathom it. Nanami liked numbers,
like Satoru did. They both found them comforting and safe in their logic. But he liked the
practical kind of math that could get him a job somewhere. Satoru liked the math that lead to
frantic scribbling on chalkboards for days on end before you step back and take in all your
work, like you finally understand the universe. Everything is code, and Satoru wanted to
crack it.

He understood why Nanami was avoiding him, but he wished he wouldn't. He wished he'd
just sit down and talk about his feelings, and his needs, and wants, even if it was just
occasional casual sex with no strings attached. Satoru wanted to talk it through.

His next classes were just as boring as the other ones. He chewed on his lip, wondering if
he'd be prettier with lip gloss. And he worried about Nanami. And daydreamed about Suguru
even though it made him ache. He wondered if he should get a cake to share with him, Satoru
always felt better with cake. Maybe they could kiss again, like how friends do.

Finally, after sitting alone in the dorm room for 45 minutes, Nanami stumbled in. He stared
down at the floor, wearing the same thing he'd come home in last night.

"I didn't think you'd be done with class yet." He said.

"Yeah, finished like an hour ago." He said.

"Oh. That makes sense." He set his bag down slowly, like a nervous cat staying low to the
ground and trying to hide.

"Can we talk?" Satoru asked.

"I'd rather not." Nanami said.

"Please? I just need 15 minutes. We can set a timer if you want." Satoru said.

"I just made some bad choices and embarrassed myself. That's it. That's the end of the story."
Nanami shook his head and tried to turn and leave but Satoru stood and grabbed his hand.

"Please." He said. Nanami stared at him.

"15 minutes." He sighed and followed him over to the bed to sit across from him.

"What do you remember?" He asked. He hit start on the timer on his phone.
"Few chunks here and there. Enough." He pulled his knees up to his chest.

"How do you feel about it?" Satoru asked.

"Like shit. That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done." He hit his face against his
knees.

"I didn't think it was embarrassing." Satoru said.

"That's worse." Nanami shook his head, "Can we just pretend that never happened and move
on with our lives?"

"Do you want to?" Satoru asked.

"Don't use that voice. That's how you used to talk to Geto." Nanami's cheeks turned candy
apple red.

"What voice?" Satoru blinked at him.

"It's like you're flirting with me." Nanami pulled his knees tighter to his chest.

"I'm not flirting, I'm asking. Do you want to just go back to the way things were? Because I
was talking to Shoko, and she was making some good points." Satoru rested his elbow on his
knee and propped his head up. He watched Nanami squirm.

"Do you want it to be not a one time thing?" Nanami asked softly.

"We don't need to date or anything serious. We can just keep each other company while we
figure things out." Satoru leaned in closer to him and peaked over his glasses at him. There
were very few times when Nanami actually felt younger, but watching him practically cower
under him was definitely up there.

"It could work." Nanami shrugged, but he wouldn't look over at Satoru.

"Do you want it to?"

"We could try." Nanami said shyly.

"Okay, then what are you into?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know. I never thought about it." Nanami shrugged. He picked at the corner of his nail
and chewed his lip ring.

"What did you and Haibara do?" Satoru asked.

"Nothing exciting. He was boring?" Nanami shrugged.

"What were you hoping for instead?" Satoru asked.

"Literally anything. It all seems fun." Nanami's face was flushed red.
"Give me an example." Satoru said.

"I did some bondage stuff with some other guys that weren't Haibara. Not anything crazy, but
like, I had sex with a cop once." Nanami shrugged.

"You did? When?" Satoru frowned.

"I don't know, before I started seeing Haibara. And I didn't know he was a cop until I was
already at his place." Nanami said.

"And you still slept with him?" Satoru asked.

"He was hot. Also, I think he had a wife, but I'm not sure, it was dark and I couldn't quite see
all the pictures." He frowned.

"Nanami!" Satoru gasped, "Do you have any standards?"

"Not when I've got enough shots in me." He said.

"How old was he? You were like 18." Satoru asked.

"I don't know. Like 26? I didn't ask." Nanami said.

"Well, thank god you're not doing that anymore." Satoru scoffed.

"Who gave you the fucking right to decide that?" Nanami sneered at him.

"Me, right now." Satoru said, "Now you can come to me when you're horny, okay? No more
weird old straight guys."

"A straight guy wouldn't have taken it up the ass as well as he did." Nanami folded his arms
over his chest.

"Come on, we're making a deal." Satoru held out his hand.

"What are the terms?"

"No more casual sex with strangers. Either you wait till the third date, or you ask me. And
tell me when you're thinking about killing yourself instead of just running away." Satoru told
him.

"Can I still get wasted?" Nanami asked.

"Yes, but you have to be responsible about it. And if I cut you off, you're cut off." Satoru
said.

"Okay." Nanami nodded, "Deal, but I wanna make rules for you too."

"Shoot." He shrugged.
"Why'd you give Shoko a box of all the sharp things in the dorm?" Nanami scooted a little
closer and placed his hands on Satoru's knees.

"I was worried about you." Satoru told him. Technically it wasn't a lie. Technically he was
telling the truth. He was worried, and the worry morphed into guilt that ate away at his
insides until the only escape became bleeding himself like a medieval peasant. He had felt an
overwhelming urge to just release all the negativity stuck inside him. Let the demons out of
his head.

"Shoko wouldn't do that without me here. Tell me the truth." Nanami inched closer. Satoru
felt off balance. Nanami was the only thing grounding him in place.

"I was worried about you, and I spiraled a little, and I got scared, so I called her." He
swallowed. Even now, his fingers itched for something sharp.

"Okay. I'll come to you when I wanna kill myself, you come to me when you wanna hurt
yourself. Sound good?" Nanami asked. Satoru nodded, "And the other thing. We're not
boyfriends. We're not dating. We're friends that are supporting each other in a difficult time."

"You're too skinny for me to date." Satoru said.

"You're too annoying." Nanami frowned at him. He'd crawled all the way over Satoru, and
glared down at him.

"Can you kiss me while you're still sober?" Satoru asked. Nanami awkwardly leaned in for a
kiss. He could feel his tension melting away the second their lips met. He sighed softly
against Satoru's mouth. He'd be lying if he said his own heart wasn't pounding out of his
chest, "Where do you like being touched?"

"Where do you like being touched?" Nanami asked. He sounded defensive.

"My chest, my back, my neck is really sensitive, so it feels good as long as you're. But no
choking or anything." Satoru told him. He felt Nanami's breath hitch. He slid his hands under
his shirt and scratched at his hips lightly, like he was testing the waters. He smiled into the
kiss and brushed Nanami's bangs out of his face, they were stiff with hairspray and old
product that never got washed out. He felt Nanami's hands sliding up the skin under his shirt
and squeezing his chest. Satoru felt a shiver down his spine.

"Is the panties a sex thing?" Nanami ran his nails over his chest, "Because I found some stuff
on Google, and I guess I was just curious where you were at."

"I'm still not trans. I just feel sexiest when I look more feminine. And I think it bleeds into
actual sex sometimes. Does that help?" Satoru asked.

"What kind of girly stuff do you like?" Nanami asked. Satoru squirmed. He wanted that very
much. He wanted to be squeezed and fucked and told he was pretty.

"Just pretend, I guess." He was sure he face was on fire.

"I've never had sex with a girl before." Nanami said.

"I like it when my body parts get girl names, does that makes sense?" Satoru asked. He used
to do this all the time with Suguru, he'd gotten good at it. Why did it feel so embarrassing
talking about it with someone else?

"So like, your tits? Or like Rebecca?" Nanami squeezed his chest again.

"You're so stupid." Satoru blushed.

"Fine. My joke didn't land. Whatever." Nanami pressed gentle kisses onto his neck and made
him whimper, "What else?"

"Feminine pet names are good." Satoru stretched out his neck for him.

"Okay. I can probably do that." Nanami dragged his teeth over his skin, "Do you like dressing
up for sex?"

"Yeah, but that's just a sometimes thing." He sighed, "If it makes you uncomfortable, it's not
like, required or something."

"I'm not uncomfortable. I just don't know the learning curve yet." He pulled back to kiss
Satoru again. He felt breathless, but it was a feeling he'd missed so badly.

"What kind of stuff do you like?" Satoru pulled his hips closer. He smelled like Axe, but
somehow he didn't seem to mind much.

"I don't know. I like it when the other person has a good time." Nanami told him.

"There's no specifics?" Satoru asked.

"Not really. I don't like the really crazy stuff, but I'll try anything else." He said, "If you're
having fun, I'm having fun."

"So it's all eyes on me?" Satoru grinned.

"You're such an attention whore." Nanami scoffed and tugged on Satoru's shirt. He giggled
and sat up to pull it over his head before flipping their positions. He had his hands on either
side of Nanami and straddled his hips. He was only there for a moment before Nanami had
knocked him back down. He positioned his knees under Satoru's thighs to force his legs up
and open. He had Satoru's hands pinned over his head and his forearm pressed against his
collarbone.

Satoru could feel heat rising in his cheeks. Suguru had never once taken that amount of
initiative. It had always been Satoru moving things along. But now something scratched at
the back of his mind telling him not to move. He was supposed to stay put. He stared up at
Nanami. His makeup was smudged, and it made it hard to look away from him.

"I'm not Suguru. Don't treat me like a lap dog." Nanami told him. Satoru just nodded. Nanami
slowly slid his hands down his chest and leaned in to kiss along his collarbones. He kneaded
Satoru's chest and trailed kisses down his sternum. He squirmed a little, but tried his hardest
to stay still. Nanami bit at his chest and reached down to fiddle with the button of his pants.
"You seem much more confident now." Satoru teased.

"Shut up. I'm busy." Nanami rolled his eyes and slid his jeans off his hips and down his legs.

"Don't you wanna hear my pretty voice?" Satoru asked. Nanami groaned and reached up to
cover Satoru's mouth with his hand.

"Suguru spoiled you too much. You've turned into such a princess." Nanami scolded him.
Satoru whimpered softly but kept his mouth shut and watched Nanami settle back down
between his legs. He watched a blush creep up his cheeks as he realized what underwear
Satoru had put on this morning. He hadn't really meant to, but he'd grabbed a pair of plain
black cotton panties with a thick lace waistband. They weren't that sexy or revealing, but
Nanami stared down at him anyway.

"If you're uncomfortable, I can just-"

"I'm not uncomfortable. And I need to pay you back after last night. I still feel like shit about
the whole thing. I've just never really seen someone in panties in person." Nanami chewed on
his lip rings.

"Shoko hasn't changed in front of you before? Does she just do that to me?" Satoru asked.

"No, she has, but that's different. I'm not planning on having sex with her, like ever." Nanami
shrugged.

"Do you want me to get up so you can look at them? Or like-" Satoru trailed off. He watched
Nanami blink down and squirm a little as he kneeled above him.

"Can you, uhm, roll over for a second?" Nanami asked. Satoru nodded and rolled over to his
stomach. Nanami pulled his hips off the bed and Satoru let his back arch. He buried his face
in the pillow in front of him and held his breath, "Can I touch? Is that okay?"

"We're about to have sex." He said.

"Yeah, but, consent or whatever." Nanami said. Satoru rolled his eyes and waited to feel
Nanami's touch.

Carefully he reached up and squeezed his ass. Satoru could feel him slipping his thumbs
underneath the elastic and spreading him open. He swore softly under his breath as Nanami
traced underneath the hemline of his panties. Satoru felt his toes curling as Nanami trailed his
fingers over his skin. He felt him spread him open and he felt himself tighten up.

Nanami ran a thumb over his bulge and Satoru whined. He could feel his underwear getting
so tight it started to feel uncomfortable. He balled his hands up into fists and pressed his face
into the pillows. Nanami stroked him through the fabric and gently circled his thumb over the
tip. Satoru sucked in a breath. He could feel his thighs shaking.

He rolled over to his back and pulled Nanami in for a kiss. Nanami nipped at his lower lip
and slid a hand beneath the lace. He wrapped a hand around him and pumped him up to life.
Satoru was sure he was going cross eyed.
"Don't I get to touch you?" Satoru curled his toes.

"No. I'm still embarrassed about last night." Nanami kissed down the center of his chest.

"How are you gonna make it up to me?" Satoru bat his eyelashes. Then he realized he was
still wearing his glasses. He pulled them off and stuffed them under his pillow. Nanami
blinked up at him, Satoru could see the gears turning in his head. Then he crawled back up
and leaned down to whisper in his ear.

"Do you want my tongue on your cunt, princess?" He purred gently. Satoru nearly choked, he
wasn't expecting him to shift gears so quickly. Nanami drifted back down and bit softly at his
nipple. It wasn't all that sensitive, but the fantasy was enough to make him whimper. Nanami
snaked a hand up into his hair and pulled his head to the side, "You didn't answer me."

"That sounds good." He mumbled softly. Nanami left a little trail of kisses down his belly and
licked a stripe up the underside of his cock. Satoru melted into putty. Nanami hiked his knees
up over his shoulders and swallowed him down. Satoru arched his back up off the bed with a
moan.

He buried his hands in Nanami's hair and rolled his hips into his mouth. He could feel
Nanami's tongue against him and he swore loudly. His stomach twisted into knots of pleasure
and his knees shook violently. His little mewls were pulled from his throat. Nanami was
warm, and wet, and hot. It wasn't long before Satoru's hips stuttered to a stop and he spilled
down his throat.

His body tightened up like a coiled spring. He dug his nails into Nanami's scalp and let his
head fall back against the mattress. He felt hot and feverish, but it had been so long since he'd
felt real release like that. It felt like the best orgasm of his life, even though he knew it
probably wasn't true.

He relaxed, and slumped down into the bed. Nanami tucked him away neatly and crawled up
to plant another kiss on the corner of his mouth. Satoru smiled up at him, still dazed.

"You should take your clothes off and nap with me." Satoru said with a smile.

"I thought I was too skinny." Nanami said.

"Not to snuggle." Satoru pouted.

"Give me a second to take off my jewelry." Nanami stood up to start stripping. He took off
his stack of bracelets, and the studded belt he wore. And he started stripping down to his
neon pink tiger print boxers. Satoru laughed when Nanami unzipped his pants.

"Is that why you didn't wanna play?" He asked with a grin.

"Shut up." He pouted.

"It's okay. I still had fun." He said, "Come to bed with me."
Nanami crawled in next to him and Satoru enveloped him in a hug. He pulled him tight
against his chest and kissed his forehead. He knew he was probably sticky with sweat, but it
didn't matter, because he wasn't alone anymore.

~*~

He wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep for, but when he woke up, Nanami was drooling
onto his chest. Satoru dug his glasses out from under the pillow so he could check the time on
his phone without blinding himself. It was only 8:30. Homework could wait until Nanami
woke up. He was probably exhausted after the weekend he had. Satoru had no idea how
much sleep he'd gotten last night, but he'd gotten wasted two nights in a row, which can't feel
good. Honestly, Satoru was impressed he'd gotten up at all today.

His mind wandered back to Suguru. His chest tightened with guilt. It had only been a month
and a half. Was this insensitive? Why did he feel like he was cheating on him? He didn't lose
his virginity to Suguru, but that didn't mean he had much experience besides him. And he'd
never bottomed for someone else before. What if he found out he was doing it wrong the
whole time? What if Suguru found out? What would he do? He wished he could make
himself throw up.

Nanami groaned and rolled over, "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything." Satoru whispered.

"No, but you're breathing so loud and waking me up." Nanami pulled the blanket up over his
shoulder.

"I'm not that loud." Satoru realized he could feel his own heart beating in his fingertips.

"Are you good?" Nanami sat up to look at him.

"I think so?" The more he sat in his feelings, the more he noticed.

His chest hurt, like he was being stabbed, and he should know what that felt like. Wasn't that
a symptom of a heart attack? Or was he confusing that for burnt toast? Or was that for a
stroke? Could he die of a broken heart? Was that possible? His neck itched. He got stabbed.
He got stabbed a few times actually. He couldn't remember what it felt like, just that it hurt
like hell. Or maybe it didn't. He wasn't sure. But he knew he had a scar on his neck, and
another on his left side. And he'd gotten another cut on his arm.

"Hey, Nanami?" He asked. His skin crawled like he was being swarmed by flies. His skin felt
cold. Maybe he really had died. Maybe this was the sinking into the earth he'd read about.
These were the hallucinations that were supposed to happen when you died.

"What's up?"

"How do you know if you're having a panic attack?" Satoru asked. He wished he could make
himself throw up.
"I dunno. It's like anxiety, but worse. You get these awful heart palpitations, and you feel like
you can't breathe, and kinda like you're dying. Sometimes my hands go numb." Nanami
shrugged.

"I might be having a panic attack." Satoru told him.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" Nanami bolted upright.

"Yeah, I'm good. It might be like a trauma thing, I can't tell." Satoru said. His hands felt cold
and clammy.

"Well, that's like, kinda the same thing, right? Like a flashback is just a kind of panic attack
right? So it'll probably work the same way?" Nanami held his shoulders gently, "Should I call
Shoko?"

"No, I'm fine." Satoru said. He was starting to get tunnel vision. He felt like he was choking,
or maybe floating, he couldn't tell, "This is gonna sound weird, but could you sit on me? Or
lay on me? Or like, put a stack of books on me?"

Nanami straddled his hips and rested his head on his chest. The pressure felt nice. It gave him
something outside of his own head to focus on. He placed a hand on Nanami's back to find
his heart beat. He was heavy like Riko was, but he was warm, and breathing, and alive. It was
dark, but he could still see the dull outlines of the room. He could see his gooseneck lamp
sitting on the desk, and the wardrobe, and Nanami's bed on the other side of the room, and
the door with the fire escape plan bolted into it. He could feel Nanami's warmth, and his hair
brushing up against his chest, and his soft skin, and the sheets against his back. Outside he
could hear the sound of traffic, and a pair of jocks talking loudly outside the door, and the
sound of Nanami's breathing. He was happy Shoko had the sharps box. He tried to steady his
breathing.

He had no idea how long he'd been laying there, waiting for the anxiety to pass. But
eventually he came down from it. He gently squeezed Nanami's shoulders and rolled them
over to their sides.

"You okay?" He asked. Satoru nodded.

"I think I'm good. For real this time." He sighed.

"What happened?" Nanami asked.

"I was thinking about Suguru, and you, and these stupid what if scenarios. And I think I was
just spiraling." He sighed.

"You said it might've been a trauma thing?" He laced his fingers through Satoru's.

"Maybe. Eventually I got to this weird zone, and I was fixated on, yknow," He gestured to his
scars on his neck and arms, "And just, that whole situation."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Nanami asked.

"Not really." Satoru sighed.

"Okay." Nanami tilted his chin up to kiss him.

 Dress
Chapter Summary

Carve my name into your bedpost

Because I don't want you like a best friend

Chapter Notes

Happy Halloween! No content warnings this time <3

See the end of the chapter for more notes

It was a weird deal they'd struck up. Half of Nanami's texts were memes he saw, or asking
about dinner. And half of them were just I'm lonely. Blow job tonight? And the longer things
went on, the more Satoru started to enjoy Nanami's little quirks when it came to sex. He'd
come to find it endearing how he always seemed annoyed, like Satoru was wasting his time,
despite Nanami usually being the one to initiate. For being such a dainty little thing, Satoru
was still surprised at how dominant he could really be. It's not like he was living a 50 Shades
of Gray fantasy, but Nanami was definitely bossier than Suguru was.

"What are we doing for your birthday?" Nanami asked. They'd moved their beds together.
They probably weren't allowed to do that, but who cared, really? Now they shared a king
sized bed instead of the two twin sized ones.

"I don't know. Birthdays are boring when you don't drink." Satoru shrugged.

"Do you wanna dress up?" Nanami asked. Satoru bit his lip.

"I don't know. It's weird. I mean, Halloween is one thing, but just like, out in the world?"
Satoru scratched the back of his head.

"Why? Just do it. You've got a bag full of makeup you never wear, that lip gloss has been
sitting out for months now. Just get it over with." He rolled his eyes.

"It's not that easy." It absolutely was that easy.

They bickered back and forth for a while, but eventually Nanami dropped the subject. Satoru
went back to doing more math homework. His life was a never ending stack of math. His
phone buzzed.
Birthday cake shopping! Megumi's birthday is so late in the year that we usually celebrate a
couple weeks early so all his friends can make it to the party. He asked for an Adventure Time
theme this year. I'd say he's just looking for an excuse to eat too much candy, but I don't think
he's got the sweet tooth for it LOL

The Facebook message was accompanied by a grumpy looking preteen sitting in the
passenger seat of the car. He had dark spiked out hair, and a soft round face. He didn't look
much different than Satoru remembered him, but he'd matured into jeans instead of his shorts.

"Do you wanna see that kid I might adopt?" Satoru asked. Nanami wandered over and peaked
over Satoru's shoulder.

"Cute." He said gently, "What's your birthday theme this year?"

"Do I need a theme?" He asked.

"Your kid has one." Nanami shrugged.

"He's not even technically my kid yet." Satoru said.

"So?" Nanami raised an eyebrow.

"Do you want me to dress up for my birthday?" Satoru groaned.

"Yes, I do. I think you're being a bitch about it." Nanami told him.

"Fine. But you're paying for the dress." Satoru sighed.

~*~

They wandered the mall together. Nanami tugged him into one of the stores and dragged him
into the women's section. Satoru felt red in the face. Wouldn't people stare at two boys
wandering the women's clothing section. At least when he was alone, he could play the
girlfriend card and people usually believed him.

"What's your dress size?" Nanami asked.

"I have no idea." Satoru's voice cracked.

"What are your measurements?" Nanami asked.

"95, 76, 81. I think?" Satoru sighed. Nanami found a size chart and then pulled Satoru over to
the rack, "What am I getting?"

"I don't care, something cute." He rolled his eyes.

"I don't know what looks good." Satoru stared at the clothes in front of him. Nanami scoffed
and wandered away. Satoru bit his lip and scanned through the dresses. There were so many
colors, and cuts, and some of them were two piece sets, and they had rhinestones, and
sequins, and embroidery. He felt completely lost. He knew he liked neutrals. Maybe that was
a place to start. He could just try on every black, gray, or navy dress he saw until he felt cute.
But he was tall. He'd probably need a longer skirt than what they had in store. Maybe this
was a bad idea. He should probably just go home.

He saw Nanami walking back over from wherever he was and he started digging through the
racks. He pulled out a few different dresses and handed them over to him.

"You left me." Satoru pouted.

"Yeah, I asked a lady for help." Nanami shrugged.

"What did you tell her?" Satoru asked.

"That I had a friend built like a fucking flagpole." Nanami told him, "They said we should
look for halter tops, V necks, and stuff with thick straps. And something with a full skirt."

"Oh. Okay." Satoru ducked his head and sorted through the dresses.

Once they'd collected and culled their picks, they were left with three to try on. Two black,
one blue. Nanami found him a fitting room and shoved him inside. He reached for the blue
one first. It had short sleeves and a high neckline. It was a pretty powder blue color, with a
big tulle skirt and navy blue lace appliqué around the bodice. The dresses were supposed to
be knee length, but on Satoru that meant a couple inches above the knee. He liked the darker
lace pieces, but the powder blue looked weird against his skin. Too pale for pastels.

Dress two had the same neckline, but this time made out of a glittery black mesh that laid
over the sweetheart neckline. The skirt was shorter in front than it was in back, and you could
see a good inch of the boxers he had on underneath. But the back of the skirt actually hit knee
length. The mesh was itchy, and the short skirt made him self conscious.

The third one was the one Nanami insisted he tried on. It was much more plain looking. It
was a two piece set. It had a cropped halter top that left most of his back exposed. The High
waisted skirt was full, and left his midriff almost completely covered aside from a thin sliver
of skin. He could wear tights and his heels, and maybe if he was brave he could wear lipstick,
but he'd probably just end up not wearing clear lip gloss again. He took a deep breath and
stepped out to show Nanami.

He looked up from his phone and stared at Satoru, "Told you so."

"Shut up. Is it cute?" Satoru asked.

"Do you feel cute?" Nanami asked.

"Yeah. I do. I like the skirt." Satoru said.

"Then you're cute. Let's buy it." Nanami shrugged, "Go change."

Satoru put on his normal clothes and handed the little two piece dress back to Nanami. His
cheeks were hot and he stared at the ground as they walked. What if the neckline was too
high and it made him uncomfortable.
"Hey!" A woman stopped them on their way out, "Did you end up finding something for that
girl you were talking about?"

"Oh, yeah, we found a little black dress I think will be great." He nodded.

"Are you his friend?" She smiled at Satoru, "You know he was going on and on about this
girl he's trying to impress. How tall she is, and how long her legs are, and he wants to get her
something to show off a little. She sounds like a model."

Satoru blinked, "Right, yeah, I might know her."

"I hope you're a good wingman for him." She smiled and waved goodbye to them. Satoru felt
his chest flutter. His knees felt weak. He looked over at Nanami, who had turned a dusty
shade of pink. They walked out of the store. Neither of them said a word, but Satoru was left
wondering what exactly Nanami had said to her.

He'd always kind of hated his long legs. He thought they made him look like some kind of
creature. Like Slenderman or something. Suguru always said he was exaggerating, and if
Nanami could potentially admit to a stranger he thought he had nice legs, he might just have
to believe him.

"I was talking to Shoko about your birthday." He said.

"Yeah? And?"

"Mei Mei has a house. We could throw a party over there?" Nanami shrugged.

"Only if her weird brother isn't there." He said.

"Cool. I'll let her know. Who's invited?" Nanami asked.

"You guys, obviously, Utahime, Yuki can come, Ijichi and Nitta are both fun. Ino can come."
He said.

"No, Ino can't come." Nanami scowled.

"Why not?"

"I slept with him and he got super weird about it." Nanami rolled his eyes.

"When?"

"I don't know." Nanami shrugged him off.

"What's your body count? I feel like you've had sex with everyone." Satoru said.

"Depends." Nanami said.

"Rough estimate." Satoru said.

"I don't know, like a dozen, less than 20?" Nanami frowned, "What's yours?"
"Three, including you." Satoru told him.

"Makes sense. You were in a pretty serious relationship for kind of all of your sexually active
years." Nanami said, "Who's the third?"

"Some baseball kid we went to high school with. He was still in the closet. But he was kinda
cute." Satoru sighed.

"What did he look like?" Nanami asked.

"Why does it matter?" Satoru raised an eyebrow.

"Curious." He shrugged.

"I don't know, dark hair, shorter than I am, he had a nose ring." Satoru's cheeks were flushed.

"So he looked like Geto?" Nanami asked.

"I have a type." He said.

"Interesting." He hummed

~*~

Satoru dressed up in his cute little dress. His heart pounded in his. He didn't feel as cute as he
did in the store. He stared at the few makeup items he had. Blush, and concealer that was too
dark to wear, and powder, and mascara that didn't look right when he wore it, and a pallet of
six brown eyeshadows, and clear lip gloss.

It was his own birthday party. If there was any safe place to start, it was here. These were
friends, who knew he was feminine, who'd seen him in dresses and lipstick before. But this
time it wasn't a costume, his safety net was gone. Nanami walked in on him staring at himself
in the mirror and handed him a pair of earrings, still in their little cardboard holder. They
were shaped like stars, but the celestial kind, not the kids drawing kind. They were silver,
with a little glass diamond in the center.

"Happy birthday." He said.

"Thank you. You didn't need to get me a gift, you already bought my dress." He said gently.

"Well, I bought them, so you better wear them." He said.

"Of course I'm going to wear them." Satoru said.

"Are you gonna wear your makeup too?" Nanami asked.

"I don't know." He sighed.

"It's concealer." Nanami raised an eyebrow.

"But it's the wrong color and the mascara looks weird on me, and blush always makes me
look sunburned." Satoru said.

"Oh my god, come here." Nanami rolled his eyes. Satoru sat on the edge of the bathtub and
stared up at him. Nanami grabbed the tube of concealer and looked at the bottom of the
bottle, "Porcelain is the wrong color?"

"It's too dark." Satoru said.

"Hold on, I probably have something you could mix it with." Nanami sighed. He wandered
over to his desk and dug through the drawers. He came back with a bottle of white
foundation. He pumped a little on the back of his hand, and wiped some of the concealer off
the wand. He used his fingers to mix it and wiped a stripe over Satoru's cheek, "Good
enough."

"It's too bright." He frowned, looking in the mirror.

"It's supposed to be a little light." Nanami said. He wiped the makeup off his cheek and used
his fingers to put a little under each eye, his chin, and his cheeks. He wasn't expecting it to
smell so much. It wasn't really unpleasant, just not what he was expecting.

Nanami poked and prodded at his face, occasionally telling him to look a certain direction, or
turn his head a certain way. He went to blend down his neck, but Satoru felt his fingers halt
for a moment over his scar. He muttered a quick apology and moved on.

~*~

Nanami drove him to the party. Mei Mei was older than the rest of the group, so she had her
own house instead of an apartment or dorm room like everyone else. It was rented, but a
house was a house. Inside there was music, and snacks, and drinks. His throat was closing up.
This was a terrible idea. Suguru wasn't here with him to make him feel pretty, instead he was
just queasy. He felt like a giant in his heels. He was sure he was sweating through his dress.
The makeup on his face felt thick and heavy, despite it being just concealer, some of
Nanami's brow gel, and lip gloss.

"Hey, happy birthday. Cute outfit." Shoko smiled and ran up to hug them.

"Nanami picked it out." He wiped his sweaty hands on his skirt.

"I like it. I don't usually see you so dressed up unless it's Halloween." She said.

"It seemed like fun." He said softly.

"Are you wearing lip gloss?" She asked.

"Yeah, I didn't want something as heavy as lipstick." He shrugged.

"It suits you." She said.

"Where's Utahime?" He asked.

"On the couch." She gestured. Utahime was wearing a full burgundy skirt, decorated with
horses and trees and little flowers and ruffles along the hem. She wore matching tights, a lacy
white blouse, white Mary Jane shoes, and her big white bow. She was an excuse to sit down
and not feel as freakishly tall.

But first he had to sneak up behind her and blow a little on her ear. She squealed and spun
around to face him. Her fear quickly turned to annoyance as she slumped back against the
couch.

"I hate you." She crossed her arms.

"No, you love me. Everyone loves me." He grinned and moved to sit next to her. She huffed.

"You're such a jackass." She pouted.

"Nanami said you're fucking." Shoko told him.

"Seriously? And he didn't even ask?" Satoru's jaw dropped.

"I'm lying. You're fucking Nanami?" She asked. Satoru groaned.

"You're the worst." He crossed his legs.

"Are you together?" She asked.

"No, just having sex." He shrugged.

"Is he any good?" She raised an eyebrow. He shrugged, "Details, before he comes back."

"Well, he's about 20 centimeters, and it hooks up a little bit. The tip is pink, but more of a
rosy color than a-"

"Please shut up." She wrinkled her nose at him.

"Is he really that big?" Utahime leaned over to whisper to him. He nodded. He watched her
cheeks turn red.

"Maybe 22 or 23. I haven't actually measured." He said. Her jaw dropped.

"He could rip someone in half with that thing." She whispered.

The conversation was interrupted when Nanami plopped down on the couch with a bottle of
beer. Utahime closed her mouth and stared straight ahead.

"Gojo says you're fucking." Shoko told him.

"She tricked me." He said.

"And?" Nanami asked her.

"And I wanna be updated on my friends sex lives." She told him.

"And what's your sex life like?" Nanami took a sip from the bottle.

"No, I asked you." She shook her head.

"Coward." Nanami said. He was wearing an old Ed Hardy shirt he got at the thrift store. It
was an obnoxious shade of pink, with a skull, roses, and a banner that said 'Love Dies Hard'.
The background was line art of roses in a shade of gray that matched the pink a little too well.
The roses were decorated with rhinestones. Along with his stupid, yellow caution tape belt.
His old, dirty converse were covered in Sharpie. The toe box of one shoe was checkerboard,
the other was a spider web. The rubber on the sides of his shoes had lines of poetry. He was
too pretentious to resort to song lyrics.

He pulled his skirt down. He was sure everyone could see his panties, and even though the
skirt was too short for boxers, he wasn't sure he could stomach the embarrassment. The halter
top around his neck made his skin itch. His lips felt lacquered on.

"Oh my god, Gojo!" Yuki draped herself over the back of the couch, "Where did you get
those shoes? Stand up, let me see you."

Satoru spun around to show off his dress. He was very aware of how easily Utahime and
Nanami could look up his skirt. He could see his eyes slowly trailing up his legs. He
wondered what he was thinking about.

"You look amazing. Look at your earrings! Are they little stars?" She gasped.

"They're a birthday present from Nanami." He smiled.

"He bought your dress and your jewelry?" Shoko asked. Satoru nodded, "Careful, he might
be catching feelings."

"I'm providing a very important service. He expressed a desire to dress in a more feminine
way, and I'm creating opportunities." Nanami told her.

"You said the same thing about a certain someone's gundam hobby." She said. Nanami
flushed at the mention of Haibara.

Satoru watched them bicker back and forth until Shoko stood and announced her need for a
cigarette. Utahime trailed along behind her. She was far too bitter for the cute, cupcake
shaped dresses she always wore. She collected tea cups and carried parasols in the summer.
Yuki quickly took her place on the couch. She sat like a man, with her foot propped up on her
knee, and her arms over the back of the couch.

"I talked to Geto a while ago." She said.

"Oh." He whispered.

"He seemed depressed. How's he doing?" She asked. She was blonde, like Nanami, but here's
was lighter and brighter.

"I'm not sure. We broke up in September." He shrugged.

"Shit. Really? I talked to him over the summer. What happened?" She leaned over to rest her
arms on her knees.

"I'm not sure. He stopped talking to me, and I got a call saying he wanted to meet up, and he
ended things." Satoru said with a slight nod.

"Damn, I'm sorry, dude. That sucks." She sighed.

"It's okay. I'm healing." He shrugged.

"Yeah, for sure, you need that. Hey, let me hook you up, what kinda guy is your type?" She
asked.

"Oh, no, that's fine, I'm not interested right now." He shook his head.

"At least tell me your type so if I catch one in the wild I can shoot you a text." She smirked.

"I don't know, like, strong, confident, decisive, but also someone very sweet, gentle, soft.
Like an Aries or a Libra. And they can't be too skinny. They can be lean, but like, not
skinny." Satoru said. He watched Yuki's eyes flicker over to Nanami.

"Like, fireman who also rescues kittens?" She asked.

"Exactly." He said.

~*~

It was late when they left the party. Satoru had eaten too much cake and now his stomach
gurgled in anger. Nanami had stayed silent for most of the party, but he promised he still had
a good time. And Mei Mei's creepy little brother never made an appearance.

Nanami reached over the center console to rest his hand on Satoru's thigh. His pinkie finger
was sneaking up under the hem of his skirt. Satoru's heart skipped a beat. But he didn't
mention it.

"So, what other kinda stuff are you into, besides your panty fetish." Nanami asked.

"How weird do you want me to be?" He asked.

"There's weird shit?" Nanami asked.

"I don't know, maybe." He shrugged.

"Okay, give me one normal, one kind of weird, and one very weird." Nanami said. The car hit
a bump in the road and his hand shifted a little higher. He rubbed his thumb over his thigh.
The tights felt strange rubbing against his skin, and it made his stomach flutter.

"Uhm, I think it's fun to wear clothes during sex. I like-"

"No, that's too obvious. If wearing skirts makes you horny, then obviously you like having
sex in skirts." Nanami frowned.

"I like degradation, but very lightly. I like degrading circumstances with a lot of praise
involved." He said.

"Like make you hump something degradation, or sit on you, or like piss kink stuff?" Nanami
asked.

"Ew, no." He frowned.

"Then be specific." Nanami said.

"I don't know. I just like feeling like I'm just there to make someone else happy. I like cock
warming, and letting people pick my outfits, or decide what I'm gonna do for the day. I like
mirrors. Getting sat on could be fun, but I've never done it." He shrugged.

"So you wanna follow orders, and the more embarrassing they are the better?"

"More or less." Satoru shrugged. Nanami's hand felt higher, but he couldn't tell if he was
making it up or not. His chest felt hot with shame and anticipation.

"What about the other two?" He asked. His hand was definitely higher. He was kneading his
thigh gently, occasionally brushing up the crease of his thigh, where the hem of his panties
sat.

"I like being ignored. And I like orgasm control stuff." Satoru said softly.

"Neither of those are that weird." Nanami shook his head.

"The kind I like is." Satoru's face was hot. He wanted to rock his hips forward so Nanami
would just touch him already.

"Tell me about it."

"I like being edged for a really long time. And I like being forced to cum without being
touched. And I've really wanted a chastity cage for a long time, but I haven't gotten one yet."
His toes curled in his shoes.

"How long is a really long time?" Nanami asked. He was watching the road intently. But he
adjusted his arm, and ran two fingers up the seam of his tights. Satoru's breath hitched.

"My record is five days." He said.

"That is a long time." Nanami said.

He stroked gently at him and Satoru had to squeeze his eyes shut. Nanami cupped him gently
and Satoru finally gave in and bucked against his hand. His cock ached for release, but the
tights and panties were too tight for it to go anywhere.
"You still haven't told me what you like." Satoru said.

"I like everything." Nanami said.

"You don't have a favorite?" He asked.

"No. I just like sex. And I like it when sex is interesting. I'll try anything twice." He said.

Satoru squirmed in his seat. He let his head fall back against the seat. His breathing was
heavy and he could hardly keep his eyes open. Part of him was embarrassed, and part of him
wanted to put on a show. He could tease just as much. He could tilt his head and expose his
skin, he could pant a little harder, let his thighs threaten to flutter closed.

"Do you like nicknames?" Satoru asked.

"If there's one you like." He gently rubbed at his cock. The strain against his panties and
tights was painful and perfect and everything he wanted. He let his head roll over, closer to
Nanami. He wanted him to hear every little gulp of air, every hitch in his breath.

They pulled up to the dorm room and Nanami didn't hesitate to pull his hand away and turn
the car off. He grabbed his bag from the backseat and left the car, leaving Satoru alone with
his shaking legs. He hopped out and struggled to steady himself on his shoes. He followed
Nanami up the stairs and into their dorm room. Nanami tossed his bag on the bed and turned
to stare at Satoru.

"What?" He felt his face growing hot as the confusion made his chest feel hot and tight. He
moved to start taking his shoes off. His feet were killing him.

"Don't." Nanami crossed his arms over his chest.

"Excuse me?" Satoru asked. Still desperate to feel Nanami's hands on him, or his mouth, or
anything really.

"I want you to go put your lipstick on." Nanami said.

"Okay?" Satoru raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Because I asked you too." Nanami sat on the edge of his bed, "I don't have all night."

"Well, you don't have to be a jerk about it." Satoru mumbled and walked over to the
bathroom to wipe off his lip gloss and put on the one lipstick he actually owned. The Revlon
Black Cherry he bought for Halloween. It was a rich burgundy color, almost purple. It was
really stark next to his pale skin, and it always felt a little jarring, but if Nanami asked, he
might as well. He cleaned up the corners of his mouth with his pinkie, they never seemed to
be as precise as he wanted.

The overhead lights had been turned off, instead it was just the bedside lamps. Nanami sat on
the edge of his bed on his phone.

"I have lipstick on. Are you happy?" Satoru rolled his eyes.
"Come here, come sit. And take your glasses off." Nanami gestured to the ground in front of
him. Satoru didn't move, "Either sit down or I'll come and make you."

He stepped towards him, grumbling a little. He knelt down in front of him, trying not to catch
his heels on his tights. He handed his glasses over to Nanami.

"I'm lonely, and I want to read my book. So you're gonna suck me off, and I'm going to read."
Nanami said. Satoru's insides were hot with anticipation again. He waited and watched him
unzip his pants and pull himself out. Satoru opened his mouth and swallowed down as much
as he could. Nanami opened his book. And tangled his fingers into Satoru's hair. He started to
gently bob his head. He got a tug on the back of his head that forced a whine out of his throat,
"You're distracting me."

He held still, softly sucking on him, pressing his tongue against the underside. He used to do
this with Suguru when he was anxious. He could feel the tension in his bones melting away at
the familiar weight in his mouth. He hummed softly and relaxed until his limbs felt heavy.

"There's a good girl." Nanami carded through his hair. Satoru whimpered softly, "You're so
pretty on your knees."

Satoru stared up at him. He was reading The Great Gatsby. Behind the deep, blue cover, was
Nanami. His face was narrow, and sharp. At 19 his cheeks were still full, and they dimpled
when he smiled. His eyes were deep and warm brown. His nose was long and straight, and
his lips were full and pronounced. His cupid's bow was sharp and defined. Nanami was all
angles, and harsh lines, sometimes Satoru had to remind himself how much younger he was.
And sometimes he'd look at Satoru with such wide doe eyes that it made his chest hurt. He
really was still just a kid.

His knees had started to hurt, but a heavy blanket of nothing had settled over his thoughts, so
he didn't mind. He had to swallow the drool collecting in his mouth. Nanami diligently kept
his hair out of his face.

After what felt like an eternity in the span of a minute, Nanami closed his book and looked
down at him. Satoru closed his eyes and bobbed his head slowly. He received another harsh
jerk to the back of his head, "I want you to look at me."

Satoru shivered and opened his eyes. He stared at Nanami while he sucked him down. He
hollowed out his cheeks around him, and let the tip hit the back of his throat.

"Such a pretty girl." He hummed softly and cupped his cheek. Satoru purred and teased the
tip with his tongue. Sex with Suguru was fun. It felt silly, he liked being a tease, but it had
always just been for fun. But this felt different. The world around them was silent. He could
hear Nanami's breathing, and the rustle of the sheets underneath him. He balled his hands up
on his thighs and whimpered. Despite still being fully clothed, he felt so exposed. The way
Nanami looked at him made him squirm. It was the way he looked at art. Contemplation,
admiration, and scrutiny in equal measure.

"Come here, princess." Nanami said. Satoru slid off of him, with only a thread of saliva
between them. A ring of deep burgundy lipstick had developed a couple inches away from
the base. Satoru blushed, he wondered how messy he looked. Nanami wiped at the corner of
his mouth so probably very. Satoru stood and climbed up onto the bed next to him. Nanami
pulled him onto his lap and kissed his jaw. His hands were on his waist, his thumbs snuck up
under his top to run over his ribs.

"Is this my birthday present?" Satoru whispered to him. He couldn't force himself to break
the perfect little bubble they'd made together.

"How expensive are these tights?" Nanami asked.

"Like $10." Satoru said.

"How attached to them are you?" Nanami bit at his shoulder.

"Not really, I guess." He shrugged. Nanami hummed and tugged his hips forward. Satoru
wrapped his arms around his shoulders and kissed down his neck. He left lipstick prints all
over his skin.

Nanami gently laid him onto his back and reached up his skirt. Satoru hummed gently and
relaxed back into the pillows. Nanami sat back on his heels and ripped his tights open
between his legs. Little threads of fabric stretched over his thighs. He whimpered softly, his
heart raced with nerves. He felt so small and vulnerable watching Nanami's head dip down
underneath his skirt.

He pulled his panties out of the way and pressed his tongue against him. Satoru gasped and
gripped the sheets underneath him. His fingers on his bare skin made his thighs shake.

"Lube's on the nightstand." Nanami told him. Satoru moaned as Nanami circled his tongue
around him. But he reached up to the bottle on the nightstand and tossed it down next to him.
He heard the cap of the bottle and then the cold press of slick fingers against him. His cheeks
were hot as Nanami slid into him. He groaned and let his eyes flutter closed.

"Look at you, princess. You're taking my fingers so well." Nanami said, "Must've been a real
whore before I got you."

"You're such a dick." Satoru yelped when he felt Nanami shive a third finger into him.

"A bitchy whore I guess." Nanami shrugged.

"You're so mean." He whined.

"You can take it." He said.

Nanami wasn't moving particularly hard or fast, but he was steady and diligent. Satoru swore
under his breath and rolled his hips against him. The slick, wet sounds of lube filled the
room, he could smell the perfume he put on before the party. Vanilla, almond, coconut, and
sweat, and sex.

"Nana." He whimpered softly.

"That's not my name." He cupped Satoru's cheek gently.

"Nanami." He scratched at his shoulders. He still had a hoodie on. The stupid purple one with
the cat patch sewn on and the fake black stitches around the shoulders, "Kiss me, please."

Nanami leaned down to kiss him and pressed his fingers deeper into him. Satoru gripped his
shoulders and squeezed his waist with his legs.

"Take your clothes off and fuck me." Satoru gasped against his mouth. Nanami moved down
his neck and sucked gently at his skin as he carefully slid his fingers out. Satoru tugged on
his hair and moaned. Nanami wiped his fingers off on the sheets and kissed Satoru again as
he pulled his jacket off and tossed it on the floor. The heaviness gave way to a momentum he
couldn't fully comprehend. He normally didn't moan like that without at least six inches
inside him, but Nanami made him feel frenzied and desperate. The thick smell of his Axe
deodorant filled his nose when Nanami pulled his shirt over his head. Satoru had started to
fall in love with the heavy chemical musk that surrounded him. Because it was Nanami.

"Roll over for me, princess. Arch your back." He instructed. Satoru followed orders. He
could feel his panties pinching and shifting uncomfortably as he moved onto his stomach.
But Nanami carefully pulled the waistband down far enough for him to pop out and leak onto
the sheets. He hoped he hadn't ruined his skirt, "There's a good girl."

"Are you wearing dumb underwear again, Nana?" Satoru teased, "Is that why you turned me
around?"

"Only pretty girls that say my name get to know that." Nanami slapped his ass.

"I'm not pretty enough?" Satoru pouted.

"You'd be prettier with my name in your mouth and my dick in your ass." He saw Nanami
reaching for the nightstand again, this time for a box of condoms.

"Pretty please, Nanami?" He purred.

"If you have to know, they're blue." He said.

"What kind of blue?" Satoru asked.

"Open your mouth and find out." Nanami said. Satoru did as he was told and Nanami shoved
his boxers between his teeth. They were an obnoxious shade of cerulean, and they tasted like
him. He grunted around the cloth and Nanami sighed, "Looks like I was wrong, you're the
prettiest when you shut up for a second."

He tossed the condom wrapper next to Satoru's head and pressed into him. He was bigger
than Suguru, and thicker. He groaned at the stretch and tried to breathe through his nose. His
hands weren't restrained, but he still felt like he couldn't move. Nanami pushed his head
down into the sheets and fucked into him until Satoru couldn't breathe. He was sure Nanami
was hitting his diaphragm. The heels still made his feet ache, and his panties dug into his
skin. His skirt had fallen up onto his back, and left him completely exposed.
"Good girl, look how well you're doing. I can see my handprint on your ass and I didn't even
hit you that hard." He aligned his hand right over the stinging skin he'd spanked before and it
made Satoru groan, "One day I'm gonna train you up so well. I'll send you a text, and you'll
be all dressed up, on your knees, waiting for me."

Satoru moaned around Nanami's boxers. It had been so long since he'd bottomed, the
sensation was a little overwhelming. He was stuffed full to the point of bursting. Nanami
pushed his top up under his armpits and squished and pinched at his chest. He sucked hickeys
into the side of his neck and squeezed his ass as he fucked into him. Nanami made him feel
filthy, with his clothes ripped open, leaving him dripping all over the place. He felt like he
was on display, and it made his stomach twist.

"Look how beautiful you are. Such a talented girl." He hummed. Satoru whimpered. Nanami
pulled the underwear out of his mouth, "Tell me you're my pretty girl."

"I'm your pretty girl." Satoru gasped out.

"Who do you belong to?" Nanami asked.

"You, Nanami." He whined and rocked back against him.

"You even used my name this time, princess." Nanami said. Satoru bit the pillow under his
face, "Should I be nice and let you cum?"

Sartrou nodded. All the edging could wait for a while. When getting split down the middle
didn't feel better than it ever had before. It was all consuming. Even the pillows smelled like
Nanami. He moaned and gasped into them, desperate to feel Nanami finally break.
Everything was heat and sweat and too much and not enough. Nanami reached around and
stroked him in time with his thrusts. Satoru was shaking and squirming, and gulping in as
much air as his lungs could hold.

"More, please." Satoru whimpered.

"What does my sweet girl need?" Nanami bent over him to purr in his ear. Satoru moaned.

"Hurt me." Satoru begged.

"I need specifics for things like that." Nanami said.

"I don't care. Anything. Hit me, bite me, cut me, insult me, spit on me, I just need to hurt."
Satoru begged.

"Yell a food at me and I'll stop, okay, princess?" Nanami kissed the corner of his jaw.

"God, fuck, sure, whatever." Satoru could feel himself inching closer and closer to the edge.
He felt a sharp slap to his ass as Nanami sunk his teeth into his neck. He yelped loudly. His
muscles coiled tight. Nanami pulled out and left Satoru shaking as he rolled him over and
shoved back in. Satoru screamed and let his hands fall up above his head.
He wrapped his legs around his waist and moaned loud enough the next door rooms could
probably hear them. Nanami pried his jaw open like a dog and spit onto his tongue. Satoru
recoiled but his mouth was quickly covered by Nanami's hand.

"Swallow, whore." He demanded. Satoru nodded and obeyed. Nanami was close. He could
watch his face twist up in pleasure, he could see his pupils blown out like quarters. He could
feel his hot breath in his face.

"Kiss me, Nana." Satoru demanded. His thighs stung, his feet hurt, his was burning up from
the inside.

"Say my na-"

Satoru pulled him down and kissed him. He shoved his tongue between his teeth and
moaned. His chest swelled full of Nanami. He was bursting at the seams with him. Finally he
felt himself teetering at the edge, and then falling. He broke the kiss to moan and gasp and
tighten his grip on his neck. He felt Nanami stutter, then stop as his breath hit Satoru's ear.

"You're such a good girl." Nanami pulled him close to his chest and tucked his face against
his shoulder. Satoru held onto him tightly.

"Can I take my shoes off now?" Satoru asked.

"Go look in the mirror first because you look so fucking sexy." He let his hands fall on his
waist.

"Then you gotta get up." Satoru whined.

"Can I send a picture to Shoko? Nothing below the waist." Nanami asked.

"Why?" He asked.

"I wanna brag." He said.

"Fine." He sighed. Nanami positioned the phone above their heads so you couldn't see below
his waist, but you could see Satoru's legs around him. Satoru arched back to smile and throw
up a peace sign for the camera. Nanami showed him the picture.

His lipstick had smeared up his cheeks, and across Nanami's face. Fresh red hickeys were
still blooming on Satoru's neck. He looked dazed, like his eyes weren't focusing. His top was
still pushed up, and his nipples were pink and perky. He blushed at the sight of himself.

"Can you send it to me too?" He asked.

"Kinky." Nanami said. He hit send to Shoko and Satoru, and finally untangled himself. He
reached for a clean pair of boxers, this time decorated with pictures of Hello Kitty and
Kuromi.

"Do you own a single pair of normal underwear?" Satoru asked.

 "Who cares, it's underwear." Nanami shrugged. He threw the condom away and started
cleaning himself up. It felt weird to take your clothes off after sex, "Give me your skirt and
I'll go rinse it off."

Satoru stripped down and tossed his clothes to Nanami and flopped onto his bed, completely
naked. He heard the water running for a minute, and then Nanami draped the skirt over the
footboard of his bed. He swung a leg over Satoru's hips and snuggled down against his chest.

"Hey, baby." Satoru combed through his tangled hair.

"I'm not your baby." He huffed.

"What got you so excited tonight?" He asked.

"I liked your dress." He said.

"You better, you picked it out."

"Yeah, but that's not why I picked it. If I was trying to get off, I wouldn't put you in a knee
length A-line." He scoffed.

"What would you put me in?"

"That's not the point." He pouted, "The point is that you seemed really anxious for the entire
time we were at the party. You looked like you really wanted to feel good, but you were
scared. And I wanted you to feel as sexy as you looked." Nanami said.

"Oh." Satoru said, "That's not at all what I was expecting."

Nanami's phone buzzed. It was a picture of Shoko in bed, with her bare collarbones, staring
at the camera, with Utahime trying to cover her frilly white bra. Shoko's perfect bob was
unruly. She had her vape between her teeth. She said it was easier to smoke in the dorm than
a cigarette. Nanami snorted and shoved his phone back under the pillow.

"I'm sleeping in your bed tonight. I can change my sheets tomorrow." He sighed.

Chapter End Notes

I think I'm gonna try to boost updates to twice a week through November and see how
that goes. We might go back down to once a week updates, we'll see.
 Labyrinth
Chapter Summary

Oh no, I'm falling in love again

Chapter Notes

CW: Funerals, panic attacks, disordered eating, discussions about suicide

Satoru hated funerals. He hated them more when he was going alone. But the woman he'd
known through Facebook messenger had died, and it felt correct to go. Nanami offered to
come with, but he wasn't close enough. He didn't even know that her header image was a
Tulip field in the Netherlands, he wasn't going to father this dead woman's children like
Satoru was.

Everyone milled around in black suits and modest dresses. It was tricky to spot the two kids.
The boy he'd only met once, and the girl he'd only ever seen pictures of. But soon enough the
head of messy hair made itself known. Satoru pushed through the crowd and crouched down
in front of the kids. Megumi looked awkward in his suit and tie. Tsumiki stared at her shiny
black Mary Janes.

"Hey." He tried for a smile, "It's been a minute."

"What do you want, freak?" Megumi scowled at him. His sister smacked his shoulder.

"I'm here to offer my condolences." He smiled, "I'm Gojo Satoru-"

"I know." Megumi folded his arms over his chest. His voice hadn't dropped yet.

"Does Tsumiki know me?" He asked. Megumi blushed and stared at the floor, "I'm Gojo
Satoru, I knew your father, and spoke with your mother for a long time."

He saw her freeze up.

"I told you last time, if you have anything to do with Dad I want nothing to do with you."
Megumi set his jaw. He was so young. He looked much younger than he really was.

"It's okay, I'm cool, I promise. Your dad and I didn't get along, but he did tell me about you.
He asked me to check up on you, and make sure you were safe." Satoru said.
"Are you gonna groom me or something?" Megumi asked.

"No, I'm not gonna do that." Satoru chuckled.

"Child grooming is not something to laugh at." He frowned.

"Of course, how could I be so insensitive?" Satoru nodded. He pulled the two white
envelopes out of his pocket, "These are for you two."

Tsumiki took hers solemnly and bowed. Megumi snatched his out of Satoru's hand and
stuffed it in his pocket.

"Now, your mom wanted me to take care of you, but it's gonna take me a bit to try and get
that sorted. For now, you'll keep staying with the Zenin's. It should be temporary, but I wrote
my phone number down in both of your envelopes, just in case." He smiled.

"For the grooming?" Megumi raised an eyebrow.

"Gee, kid, you should get off the true crime and turn on some Animal Planet once in a while."
He sighed, "Tsumiki, how are you feeling?"

She stared at the floor and nudged Megumi.

"She doesn't wanna talk." He shook his head.

"Okay, she doesn't need to." He said. He caught a glimpse of a man with dirty blond hair that
fell in his face, his roots had grown out to a frankly disrespectful length, "Who's that?"

"That's Uncle Naoya. He's dad's cousin. We're living with him and his dad." Megumi said.

"He looks mean." Satoru squinted at him.

"He is." Megumi said. Satoru watched Tsumiki pull the sleeve of her dress down. She looked
stiff and uncomfortable. His mind raced with every horrible possibility he could think of.

"Remember that a picture speaks a thousand words, okay?" Satoru told her. She nodded,
"And make sure you get my phone number out of there before any dumb meanies can, okay?"

"No one talks like that anymore." Megumi shook his head.

"I do." Satoru shrugged. He watched Tsumiki tug on Megumi's sleeve.

"Tsumiki says thank you." Megumi told him.

"You're very welcome." He smiled at her, "Stay safe."

~*~

Satoru collapsed in bed. He was exhausted. He felt sick with memories of Rika, and Suguru.
He'd wrapped her up in a bedsheet and carried her out of the house himself. He was too tired
for flashbacks, too hungry for the anxiety to make him throw up. So he scrolled. He could
always scroll. He didn't even bother untying his shoes.

He heard Nanami drop his bag on the floor and climb up into bed with him. He curled up
against Satoru's back and pulled the phone from his hands.

"How did it go?" He whispered.

"He looks so much like his dad. I thought I could do it, but I can't." He sniffled. He felt like
he was being choked, and it made panic rise in his chest.

"I'm sure the more time you spend with him the easier it'll get." Nanami muttered softly.

"It's my fault. Those kids could still have a dad if I wasn't here." Satoru's cheeks burned.

"You know it's a lot more complicated than that. You're doing a good thing." He promised.

"I'm in over my head." He sighed and hugged his pillow tightly to his chest.

Nanami sat up on the bed and rolled him onto his back. He pressed a kiss to his forehead and
carefully started unbuttoning his dress shirt. Satoru cried quietly. He couldn't breathe.

"You're safe. I'm here." Nanami whimpered. He pulled Satoru up against his chest and slid his
shirt off his shoulders, "We're gonna get your clothes off, and then we're gonna snuggle
together in bed, okay? Have you eaten today?"

"I ate at the funeral." His voice cracked.

"What did you have?"

"Vegetables and rice." He said. Nanami pushed him back onto the bed and pulled a foot into
his lap to untie his shoes.

"That's all you've eaten for days now." Nanami said gently.

"I was in mourning." He sniffled.

"You didn't know her." Nanami said.

"I'm still allowed to feel my grief."

Nanami pulled his shoes off and worked on undoing his belt. Satoru's mind wandered to all
those desperate nights that Nanami fumbled with his zipper, and kissed his neck, and shot
sparks under his skin. But he didn't feel those sparks now. He felt something steady and solid.
He was a railing to grab ahold of while he waited for the world to stop spinning. He folded
his pants and placed them carefully on the floor.

"Do you want to take off your undershirt, or is it okay to keep it on?" He asked. He wiped the
tears from Satoru's cheeks.
"I can keep it on." He said.

"Okay. Do you want pretty underwear, or keep your boxers?" It was easy to hang onto him.
Despite all of Satoru's teasing, he'd started to enjoy all of his little quirks. The poetry written
in marker on his shoes, and how he was always the most colorful person in the room. He
knew how to do makeup, and still wore his messy racoon eyeliner. Satoru wished he could be
so carefree about how people saw him. He wished that liking something was reason enough,
like it was for Nanami.

"Boxers are okay." He said.

"What do you want to eat?" He asked.

"I don't." He shrugged.

"Then I'm getting you yakisoba. Do you want pork, chicken, or tofu?" He asked.

"Surprise me." He said. The tears had passed, and now he just felt empty.

"I'll go pick something up." Nanami kissed his cheek, "I'll probably only be 20 minutes, I can
put on a show for you while I'm gone."

"Like a toddler?" Satoru asked.

"No, like a princess." Nanami said. He picked his laptop up off the floor and typed away at
something. Satoru felt dizzy, but it felt nice not to wear his stuffy suit anymore. He stared at
the ceiling and let his mind race to the sounds of quiet keyboard clicking.

He hadn't been home since the accident. But it wasn't even really an accident, his friends just
didn't know what else to call it to make sure him and Suguru didn't bristle up like scared cats.
He'd seen his mom at restaurants and cafés and parties, but not home. He got to the front
sidewalk once, but he couldn't make himself cross the threshold and walk to the front door. It
was the same sidewalk where he'd been swarmed with paramedics and police. They weren't
too pleased with him moving Rika, but the case between a wanted gang member and a gaggle
of teenagers didn't suffer too much because of it.

The scar on his neck tingled. It ran along his neck at a diagonal, from about an inch away
from his collarbone, up and back below his ear. He stared at his arms. He had gotten a few
cuts on his arms, but only one scared, on his right forearm. And he had an ugly one just
below his ribcage on the left side. He remembered screaming back and forth with the
paramedics, who wanted to get him still and lying down, probably for good reason. But
Satoru insisted on taking his shirt off himself.

He knew what happened on the other side of the door. He knew the rug by the front door
would probably get thrown out, it would be stained too badly to clean. He'd watched Toji get
carried out on a stretcher, but it was a while before he found out if he was alive or not. He
wanted to throw up. He could make himself throw up, just to purge the memories in his head.
He needed to get them out.
"Hey, you okay?" Nanami snapped at him. Satoru blinked, trying to see the dorm room
ceiling, and not the flashing ambulance lights. His heart raced. He couldn't move, Toji would
see him and finish him off for good. He felt hands pulling at him and he froze. He couldn't
control his breathing. He was choking again, he couldn't breathe. He could see Nanami's face
in front of him, but his face wasn't real. He was superimposed over ghosts and blood and
death.

"I don't know what happened." Satoru let out a sob. He didn't realize he was crying.

"It's okay. Things can be scary. Can you try and take a deep breath for me?" Nanami asked
quietly. Satoru tried to breathe and just hiccuped instead, "Great job, keep it up."

"I can't. I can't breathe." He gasped for air. He remembered the feeling of blood clogging his
airways.

"Just try your best. You can do it." Nanami took big deep breaths in through his nose and out
through his mouth. Satoru tried to mimic them, but he couldn't find his footing. He kept
getting lost. Nanami held his hands gently, "Can you hold your hands over your head for
me?"

"I hurt my shoulder." Satoru's scar stung on his neck.

"You did, but it's all better now. You healed up so well." Nanami promised.

"It still hurts." He sobbed.

"Then one hand up." Nanami said, "How many blue things can you see?"

Satoru's eyes flicked around the room. His arm was already tired. He was suffocating, "Your
blanket. There's a pen on the desk. My jacket. My phone case. Your phone charger."

"Awesome. Do you wanna do some yoga with me?" Nanami asked, "Come on, let's stand
up."

Satoru's legs shook, but he still stood up. Nanami gave him slow instructions. Arms up, hands
together, slowly move down by his heart, then bend forward to touch his toes. What did the
floor feel like?

"It's cold, and hard, and a little sticky, but that's maybe sweat." Satoru could see the clouds
starting to part, but it was a slippery uphill climb.

Straighten his back, then relax, then up, then relax. Step back into a lunge, then a plank.
Nanami told him to focus on how his arms and chest felt. Then drop to his knees, arch his
back and try to breathe. He could feel himself starting to calm down. He planted his hands on
the ground and bent himself into a V shape. Then in reverse. Drop down, arch his back,
plank, then lunge. Stand up, straighten you back, drop down, then again, and all the way up.
His breathing steadied. He felt like he just stopped running. He was sweaty, and panting, and
shaking a little. Nanami ran him through it one more time before they sat back down together.
Satoru pulled Nanami in by his waist and tucked his face against his chest. He hummed at the
smell of Nanami. He wanted to be closer, he wanted to crawl under his skin and live there
forever. He looked up at him. His brown eyes were so pretty, they reminded him of grand,
sweeping canyons and cliffs. Every layer was a little deeper, and told a different story. But it
didn't compare to how they lit up in the sunlight, they glowed like Amber. Satoru's heart
raced again, but for completely different reasons.

"You're staring at me." Nanami told him.

"You're nice to look at." Satoru said.

"You said I'm too skinny." Nanami raised an eyebrow.

"I changed my mind." Satoru said. He pulled Nanami down to kiss him. He wanted to move
slow and cherish him. He was so sweet, and soft, and amazing. He was a breath of fresh air,
he was reprieve, and gentle relaxation.

"I don't think sex is a good idea right now." Nanami placed a hand gently over Satoru's.

"I don't want to have sex, I want to kiss you." He said.

"Why?" Nanami blinked at him. Satoru opened his mouth to reply then closed it. He held
Nanami's face gently.

"I like you." He said quietly.

"Do you have feelings for me?" Nanami asked. His face was blank, his tone was neutral.
Satoru squirmed to try and figure out what kind of secret doublespeak he was using. There's
no way that he'd be that direct, even Nanami had more tact than that. He wasn't sure he knew
the answer himself.

"No," He shook his head. His own heart ached, "No, you said we're just friends keeping each
other company while we try and rebound."

"Okay. Do you still want to kiss me?" Nanami asked. Satoru nodded. Nanami leaned down to
kiss him again, but it was different this time. There was more distance between them, no
matter how close he pulled him in, he always felt just out of reach.

~*~

Satoru twirled his pencil in his fingers, trying to solve an equation. He thought more about
Nanami, about how badly he'd messed up. But maybe he just wasn't ready to be in love again.
It had been seven months since Suguru, and he was graduating next year. Maybe this
summer, he could try and make things official with Nanami. But maybe Nanami didn't want
to be together. He was always the first to pull away from intimacy, the first to correct any pet
names, or shut down the idea of dates. Maybe he really was just in it for the sex, and Satoru
was in the wrong for developing feelings.

His phone buzzed and he put his pencil down.

This is Megumi. Tsumiki isn't allowed to have her phone unless she's at school. But I have
mine.

Satoru frowned at the message. At least Megumi texted him.

Why isn't she allowed to have her phone?

Naobito says it's too much responsibility for her. It's dumb.

Wasn't Tsumiki older? And she seemed much more relaxed and polite at the funeral. And his
messages with their mom always made Megumi seem like the troublemaker.

Good for you for stepping up!

Thanks

The kid was a dry texter. But what else should he expect from a 12 year old? A snapchat
notification from Shoko came in.

It was a picture of her and Nanami looking in the mirror of a tattoo shop. Nanami was
holding his shirt up, and Shoko had the straps of her bra and her tank top pulled down on one
shoulder. Nanami had two little black stars tattooed over each hip bone. Shoko had three
tattooed on her collarbone in a triangle shape. It was captioned Our artist said these were the
most boring matching tattoos he'd ever seen.

Starou had never felt flustered over a guys hip bones before, but something about Nanami's
were just so pretty. And the stars accented them so nicely. He bet they'd look so good when
he knelt between Nanami's legs.

Are you any good at math?

Satoru blinked out of his fantasy and went back to his texts with Megumi.

I'm the best at math. What's up?

I missed the day they taught us how to do it with 2 letters

He got a picture of a pretty simple equation, and a second one of a notebook full of attempts
at solving it. Satoru smiled and flipped the page in his notebook. He turned on his phone to
record what he was doing. He broke down the steps as best he could, trying not to get caught
up in technical stuff. He sent his video and went back to his homework. A few minutes later
he got another picture back using a different equation, with Megumi's attempt to solve it
written in the notebook.

Yeah exactly! Nice job!

He felt a twinge of loneliness in his chest. He was alone. Nanami was out getting tattoos with
Shoko, and he was texting a sixth grader about math problems. He was so lame. He had no
friends, no job, he lived in a college dorm, and yet here he was trying to father a child. He
thought about drinking a lot. He was legal, he could do it. He could sit at the bar in a tight
little pencil skirt and sip vodka cranberries and flirt with Nanami, or other guys, if Nanami
didn't like it. He could paint his nails red because his mother said it was a whorish color. He
could dance like Shakira, and Nanami would call him names. And then he could be fun, and
spontaneous, and social.

He tried a few times in high school and when he started college, but it never ended well.
Things started getting hazy after two shots, and by three he was done for. And then the night
usually ended with him sobbing over nothing in particular and throwing up on himself. It was
never fun, he never had a good night. He didn't really have a reason besides that, and he hated
having to explain that to people. Usually he just brought up religion and people would
politely nod and move on. It was easier that way.

He thought about making things official with Nanami. They could find an apartment together,
adopt those kids, raise them together. He wondered if Nanami would stop drinking as much,
if he'd finally get sober and find happiness. Maybe Satoru and Megumi and Tsumiki would
be the thing to do it. Maybe his kisses wouldn't taste like liquor anymore, maybe he'd smile
when he wasn't blackout drunk. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

~*~

Nanami came home a while later. He smelled like cigarettes. Satoru wondered if it was just
from Shoko, if he was smoking too.

"Let me see the tattoo." Satoru smiled and rolled onto his stomach. Nanami pulled up his
shirt. Each of the stars had a red halo of irritated skin. The were covered with a thin sheet of
clear plastic. They were so pretty, they accented his hips in a way that made his mouth water,
"It looks great."

"Thanks." He pulled his shirt back down.

"You look hot." Satoru told him.

"Because of the tattoos?" Nanami asked.

"A little." He smirked.

"I'll keep that in mind." He said. He didn't look too impressed with him, "Did Geto have
tattoos?"

"Why does it matter?" Satoru blinked up at him.

"I'm curious." Nanami sighed.

"He didn't." Satoru shook his head.

"Okay." He flopped on the bed and pulled out his phone. Satoru stared at him.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked.

"I'm fine." Nanami shrugged. Satoru wanted to crawl into his lap, but he didn't wanna sit on
his hips while everything looked so raw and angry.

"What did I do wrong?" He scooted forward.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. You're doing everything exactly right, perfect as always."
Nanami's words had an edge to them.

"Talk to me." He said.

"I don't want to talk. I want to do my homework and go to bed." He rolled over.

"Nanami-"

"Just forget it. It's not important."

"I just-"

"Please." Nanami snapped at him. Satoru shut up. He waited for a minute until Nanami's
shoulder started to settle, and then he crawled out of bed and into Nanami's. He didn't wrap
his arms around him, or even try to touch him really. He just laid down next to him and
stayed quiet. Over his shoulder, he could see him scrolling through Twitter.

A few minutes later, Nanami squirmed up against him. Satoru placed a gentle hand on his
waist and pressed his nose to the back of his neck. He smelled like tobacco and sweat and
Nanami. He pressed gentle little kisses to his skin and let his fingers find their way up his
shirt.

"Quit it, I'm mad at you." Nanami had lost all the bite in his voice.

"You love me, Nanami." He whispered.

"Shut up. You're such an asshole." Nanami muttered and relaxed against him.

"You don't mean that, do you, baby?" He purred.

"Don't call me that." He sighed.

"You don't wanna be my baby?" He pressed his face against his skin.

"Satoru, please." He sounded so small and fragile.

"I want to take care of you." Satoru said. Nanami whimpered softly.

It didn't go anywhere beyond snuggles in bed, and soft kisses, and hands on skin. But Nanami
seemed much softer. There was a vulnerability that Satoru had never really held before. If
hope was a thing with feathers, then Nanami was a little bird, shaking in his hands. Satoru
could tell he was hurt, because if he was safe, he wouldn't have let him get this close. But the
poor little thing still sang, if only because there was nothing else to do.
Nanami rolled over onto his back. He stole Satoru's glasses and put them on himself, "Kiss
me."

Satoru ran a finger along his jawbone and gently pressed their lips together. Nanami
whimpered and balled his hands into fists. Satoru held his waist and let him tangle his fingers
through his hair.

"Satoru." He whispered.

"Yes?" He pressed their foreheads together.

"I don't think I'm doing well." He shook his head.

"What's wrong?" Satoru cupped his cheek.

"I think my timer is running out." He said softly, "I convinced Shoko to get tattoos with me to
buy a few more weeks, but I'm scared of what happens if I run out of time."

"Do you want me to call someone?" Satoru asked.

"No, they'll just throw me in a ward and forget about it." He shook his head.

"What do you need?" He held his hands gently.

"Just to say it out loud." He said with a shrug.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Satoru asked.

"I feel like a bad person. I have so much good in my life. I have parents who love me, I have
friends who support me, I have good food, and all the potential in the world. And none of it is
enough for me." Nanami said.

"What would be enough?" Satoru asked.

"If I could just skip ahead. If I could kill myself for like two, three years, and then just come
back when I'm out of college, and I have a steady job, and all the boring bullshit figured out,
I'd do it today. But I can't, so I don't know what else I'm supposed to do." Nanami sighed.

"Let's go out tomorrow." Satoru said, "We can celebrate."

"What is there to celebrate?" He asked.

"You survived the night." He shrugged, "We can do anything you want."

"We could watch that new Batman movie?" Nanami said.

"Do you wanna go out to eat too?" Satoru asked.

"That sounds good." He said.

"We can wear matching outfits." He smiled.

"I don't think we have a single outfit." Nanami said.

"Then we can swap outfits. I can dress like you, and you dress like me." Satoru suggested.

"You hate my outfits." Nanami said.

"I like dressing up. You can even pick it out for me." Satoru said.

"But I like seeing you in cute girl clothes." Nanami said.

"Should I wear heels?" He asked.

"Not in a movie theater, but we could get you a little skater skirt or something, that's cute
right?" Nanami said.

"I think I have one." Satoru told him.

"Wear that, and those earrings I bought you." Nanami said.

"Okay. We're gonna have fun." Satoru smiled and kissed him, "And we're gonna find a way to
make life worthwhile."

"Thank you." He said softly.

 Cruel Summer
Chapter Summary

"I love you"

Ain't that the worst thing you've ever heard

Chapter Notes

CW: alcohol withdrawal

Nanami's house was always so clean, but it wasn't sterile. It was warm, and inviting. His dad
did bonsai, and his little trees filled every available surface. They had a sunroom full of herbs
they were growing, and the walls were decorated with art Nanami made as a kid. The
stairwell was decorated with all his school pictures, all framed and lined up.

His mom was making stew for dinner, and Nanami had been kind enough to invite him over
to stay the night. Summer breaks were hard while he was avoiding his own house, and it was
nice to get off campus for once.

"Hello, Gojo." Nanami's mother grinned and held her arms out for a hug. She was a short
woman, with her hair pulled back into a bun with a hair stick through the center. She had a
fuller figure, but she still looked so much like her gangly son with her tall nose, and high
cheekbones.

"Hi, thank you for having me over." He loved this woman so much. She was so warm and
kind that it was hard to believe sometimes that she gave birth to Nanami.

"Oh, you're always welcome, come in and sit. Kento is in the living room waiting for you."
She pat his cheek gently and waved him inside. Nanami was lying on the couch reading. He
was wearing basketball shorts, and a hoodie.

"Your clothes look too big now." He pushed his legs off the couch so he could sit down.
Nanami tossed them back onto Satoru's lap.

"Shut up." He rolled his eyes.

"No, I'm serious. It's weird." Satoru told him, "What are you reading?"

"Looking for Alaska." Nanami said.

"What's it about?" Satoru asked.

"This girl maybe kills herself." He stretched out over the arm of the couch.

"Sounds depressing." He said.

"Yeah, but sometimes depressing is good." He said. He wasn't wearing makeup. And for the
first time in what felt like years, Satoru could see his eyes. He looked a little naked, but he
was so strikingly beautiful. Lovely eyes, and delicately sculpted features, with dimples in his
cheeks. Without all the effort, he just looked so much brighter.

His dad walked down the stairs and into the living room. He smiled at Satoru and said hello.
He was tall. Not as tall as his son, but close. He had dark hair, and bright eyes. And his face
was so round and full. Nanami was his mother's son, through and through. The simplicity in
their dynamic was like a breath of fresh air after living a life with Gojo's own mother.

"It's so good to finally see you again. Kento has been talking about you nonstop." He
laughed. He had sweet, round eyes.

"Dad!" Nanami whined.

"What? He's a cute guy, and you're yknow, together, I think he's a solid candidate." His dad
stumbled awkwardly. Nanami blushed a shade of red that Satoru had never seen on him
before.

"We're just friends." He sank into the couch. It looked like he was trying to hide in the folds
of his hoodie.

"But isn't he? You're- right? Yeah." He muttered.

"Two gay guys can be just friends." Nanami said.

"Oh, right, yeah, that makes sense." He nodded, "Are you sure you're not together? Because I
really think you two would-"

"Oh my god." Nanami hid his face in his hands.

"Alright, I'll leave you alone." His father raised his hands in surrender and walked back into
the kitchen. Satoru giggled and poked his ribs gently.

"Don't do that." Nanami swatted his hand away.

"I like your dad, he's cute." He smiled. Nanami sat up and moved to sit cross legged next to
him.

"He tries his best." Nanami said with a sigh.

"He loves you." Satoru smiled.

"Yeah, I know. I love him too." He said.

"I want to kiss you so badly right now." Satoru whispered.

"I only kiss my boyfriends where my parents can see." Nanami muttered back to him.

"We can pretend for a little while." Satoru's heart raced. Was that enough of a hint? That he
wanted to be more exclusive? That he wanted something more.

"Too much pretending. Either date me for real, or not at all." Nanami rolled his eyes. Satoru's
heart sank in his chest. Clearly that was not as effective as he was hoping.

They got called into the kitchen for dinner. He took his seat next to Nanami and they started
dishing food. It was warm and filling, and everything Satoru hoped it would be. Nanami
stared down into his bowl, and wouldn't look at Satoru. His parents sat across from them,
smiling and trying to make conversation.

"I'm so happy Kento has a friend like you." His mother said, "He's always been such an
introverted child, it's nice to see him with someone like you who's such a social butterfly."

"He's a very grounding presence in my life." He smiled.

"That's very true. He's a very steady person." She nodded. Satoru watched Nanami's cheeks
turn pink.

"I appreciate what he does for me." He said, "And I'm glad he's not sick of me yet."

His mother smiled and glanced between the two boys. She had dimples in her cheeks just like
Nanami. He was safe here, there was no judgment, or expectation, just love. He looked over
to see Nanami pushing the food around in his bowl.

"How's the food, Kento?" His mother asked.

"It's very good, I promise, it's just my stomach, you know?" He chewed on his lip ring.

"Thank you for trying, dear." She smiled and reached over to pat his hand gently. Nanami
was a different person at home. Maybe it was just the sobriety that did him in, but his edges
seemed softer. There was something untouchable about him when he was alone, he was harsh
and solid, and unyielding. But when he was here, it's like he was tiptoeing around every
corner, like he didn't trust the outpouring of love, but he was still desperate for more.

He remembered reading everyone's horoscopes together. He remembered being baffled at the

idea of Nanami being a Cancer. The overly emotional empath described in the article was
nothing like him. He wasn't soft, he didn't cry, he rarely showed any emotion at all. But
sometimes, his shell cracked and you could catch a glimpse at how he worked. And those
cracks only grew at home, with his family. He was sensitive, with a fragility that was only
protected by the walls he built up himself. He was always on edge, because he wasn't hiding
anymore. His parents had been there for every moment of his life, supporting him as best
they could. But his safe little bubble was all he knew, and it was scary to leave and let himself
be seen. Satoru always liked seeing his vulnerability, it felt so earnest.
They finished dinner and Satoru helped gather the dirty dishes while Nanami moved back to
his book. He stood in the kitchen with Nanami's mother and helped rinse off plates.

"I didn't want to say anything before and embarrass him, but Kento told me he's been
struggling again lately. He said you've been a huge help to him." She was smiling softly, "I
suppose I just wanted to thank you. It's never easy to hear that kind of thing from your own
son, but I try to help the best I can. It's comforting knowing you're there with him."

"We've been helping each other. My life has been a chaotic mess the last couple years, and
he's really given me solid ground to walk on. He means a lot to me." Satoru said with a small
smile.

"You're good for him." She said softly.

"He's good for me."

"Don't tell this to Kento, but I know about the alcohol. I'm not sure how much he's drinking,
but I can see his hands shaking, and if he's feeling nauseous after being here for a couple
days, I know it's probably a lot." She took a deep breath to steady herself, "Just, please look
out for him."

"I will." Satoru said, "I'll make sure he's safe."

"Thank you." She said with a sad smile, "I'll take care of the rest of the dishes. You go make
sure he's okay."

He found Nanami laying on his bed, with his book open. He'd made a good amount of
progress in such a short amount of time. He was using an old receipt in place of a bookmark.
Satoru sat next to him in bed.

His room was clean, but cluttered. He had two bookshelves, both stuffed full of books. His
walls were decorated with dozens of flags, and band posters, and string lights. He had
Polaroids hung up with clothespins he'd doodled on with Sharpie, and key chains hanging
from wherever they could hang. His dresser was covered in plushies and toys. A pride flag
was hung up on the ceiling.

"Am I allowed to kiss you now?" Satoru asked. Nanami took a deep breath and nodded. He
put his book down on his stomach and kissed him. It was deep, and intimate. Satoru's
stomach fluttered and he climbed into Nanami's lap.

He wanted to reach down into him and sooth all the aches and pains. He wanted to squash out
the sadness, and fill him up with love until he couldn't help but smile and laugh. He wanted to
see his cheeks dimple, and his eyes wrinkle shut. He wanted to give him more joy and
pleasure than he knew what to do with.

"You're so pretty, baby." Satoru muttered against his lips. Nanami didn't correct him, he just
leaned into the kiss, "I wanna see those pretty tattoos."

"I don't feel very good tonight." He sighed.

"Are you going into withdrawal?" Satoru sat up and put his hands on his chest.

"I think I have been, but today has been the worst of it so far." Nanami closed his eyes.

"What made you wanna get sober?" Satoru knew that's not what happened, but he could
dream.

"Oh, I'm not. But if I can get through this trip without drinking, then that means all the other
times I said I was gonna stop drinking and couldn't don't actually count. And that means that
I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem." Nanami told him.

"That doesn't sound right." Satoru shook his head.

"Seems right to me. And I'm the alcoholic, so only my opinion matters." Nanami told him.

"I'm worried about you." Satoru nudged him gently.

"I know. I am too." He sighed. Satoru leaned in for another kiss. Nanami moved his book and
held Satoru's face in his hands. He had to wiggle his fingers under his sweatshirt to try and
find his skin. He wanted contact, he wanted to feel him underneath all his bulky clothes. He
needed to be close, his hands weren't enough, he needed every inch of skin he could have. He
tugged Nanami's sweatshirt up and stuck his head underneath the little tent he'd made. He
pressed his face against Nanami's sternum and wrapped his arms around his now bare waist.
It was warm, and dark, and it all smelled like Nanami.

"What are you doing?" Nanami asked. It almost sounded like a giggle. Satoru came out from
under his sweatshirt to see the corners of his mouth turning up.

"I'm snuggling." Satoru smiled.

"You're so dumb." He smacked him with a pillow.

~*~

They'd stayed up playing video games together. Satoru managed to steal a kiss whenever he
was sure his parents weren't looking, and despite the near constant teasing for playing with
Princess Peach, Nanami flushed pink every time. He was so precious. Between races he'd
lean over and whisper to him. He told him how pretty he looked, how cute he was when he
was blushing like that. Sometimes when he pulled too far ahead in a race, Satoru would lean
over and tell him how good his dick tasted, and how badly he wanted him in his mouth.
Once, near the end of the last lap, he threw a blue shell at him and then whispered about how
full Nanami could make him feel. Nanami dropped from first to ninth, and Satoru almost lost
an eye.

Eventually, his parents went to bed, and Satoru was left on the couch with Nanami. They
played one more round, with Satoru's little whispers getting more and more explicit the
longer it went on. How he wanted Nanami to tie him to the bed and make him choke on his
underwear, how he wanted Nanami to fuck him until he cried, how he wanted Nanami to cum
in his mouth and make him hold it on his tongue for him to see.
Nanami won the cup. He even lapped Satoru during a race. There was no conversation, no
back and forth, just Nanami's racing and Satoru's teasing. The final race ended, and Nanami
turned the TV off. He checked the doors, and the windows, shut off all the lights, and then
grabbed a handful of Satoru's hair. He jerked his head back to force him to stare up at him.
He giggled and smiled.

"You're such a fucking slut." Nanami growled. Satoru looked over the rim of his glasses and
bat his eyelashes. Nanami yanked at his hair, "Why'd you have to pick today to piss me off? I
already feel like shit, and I can't even have a drink to take the edge off. It's just you and your
relentless fucking nonsense."

"Do you wanna fuck me about it?" Satoru purred. Nanami pulled him up off the couch by his
hair. He turned and dragged Satoru into his bedroom. He quietly closed the door and tossed
Satoru on the bed. His scalp burned, but so did the fire he'd ignited in his belly. It was hard to
get Nanami angry, he was much quicker to get annoyed. But an angry Nanami was something
special.

"You know what? No, I'm not going to." Nanami said, "Strip. I wanna see your pussy."

Satoru giggled and pulled his shirt over his head and pulled his jeans off with his boxers all in
one go. He spread his legs open to let Nanami settle between them. He smiled up at Nanami's
face.

"Touch yourself." He said.

"But it's no fun if you're not-"

"I'm setting a timer for 10 minutes. You can masturbate however you want, and then you're
done. You're not allowed to touch me, and you have to stay quiet." Nanami tapped away at
his phone, "Alright, go."

"What? I don't get any warm up or anything? Just-"

"Clocks ticking." Nanami sat back to watch.

Satoru reached down to, try and jerk himself back to life. He didn't have any time to wake
himself up properly, so as soon as he was hard enough, he was pulling out every trick he
knew. He stared up at Nanami, who watched him carefully, waiting to see what he did. Satoru
whimpered at the attention, he knew he could get himself off fast enough if he tried, but his
heart raced knowing the timer was counting down and it made it hard to focus. But despite
the odds, he managed to get hard enough.

He felt the pool of heat collecting in his stomach and he chased the feeling as best he could.
He ran his thumb over the tip and made himself shiver. It was rare that he masturbated
without something penetrating him, he could do it, but not quickly anymore.

"Can I have lube?" He whimpered. His knees had turned to jello.

"I don't have any. Use your mouth." Nanami told him.
Satoru stuck his fingers in his mouth and coated them in the thickest layer of drool he could
manage. He reached down between his legs and slid his fingers over himself. He pressed his
fingers in and gasped. He felt dizzy with pleasure, he knew he was being louder than he
should, but both his hands were busy. He curled his fingers, desperate to hit all the right
spots, while he focused all his attention on his head of his dick. Nanami stayed silent,
watching him carefully while he writhed on the bed, chasing his orgasm. He was so close,
just a little bit further and he could-

He heard the timer go off. He couldn't stop, he needed more. But Nanami pulled his hands
away and pinned thm to the bed. Satoru's skin was burning up, he squirmed underneath him.

"You're done." He said.

"Please, just a little bit more, I can do it, I'll be so fast." He whined.

"You had your chance and your done. Only good girls get to cum." Nanami told him. Satoru
whimpered, "Go clean up, whore. You're filthy."

Satoru blushed and nodded, still rock hard. His hands shook as he reached for his boxers. He
really did feel like a cheap whore, used and discarded, and more work than it was worth. Part
of him wanted to cry, and part of him had never been hornier. He scurried off to Nanami's
bathroom to wash his hands and wipe himself down. The heaviness was starting to set in, the
feeling of being nothing at all. He had fallen in love with the weight of subspace.

He got dressed back up and wandered back to the bedroom. He stood by Nanami's bad with
his hands behind his back. It had been a long time since he'd defaulted back to Suguru's
default position, feet together, eyes down, hands behind your back, stand up straight. It felt
submissive, like showing his belly.

"I'm clean now." He felt small.

"Good. How do you feel?" Nanami asked.

"Uhm, a little sexually frustrated, a little humiliated, a little small." Satoru stared at the floor.

"And whose fault is that?" He asked.

"Mine." Satoru whispered.

"Good job, slut." Nanami said. Satoru crawled into bed with him, still squirming and horny,
"What did you do wrong?"

"I teased you too much." Satoru whimpered. Nanami wrapped an arm around his shoulders
and let him lay against his chest.

"Good girl." Nanami combed through his hair gently, "If you just shut up and listen, I won't
have to be mean."

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

"Just do better next time." Nanami held him so carefully against his chest. He was so warm,
and Satoru still felt so far away from him, "You go cross-eyed when you're about to cum."

"I do what?" Satoru sat up to frown at him better.

"You cross your eyes. Like a hentai character." Nanami said.

"You watch hentai?" He asked.

"Occasionally." He shrugged.

"Like, yaoi? Or the normal kind?" Satoru blinked in disbelief.

"A little of everything." He shrugged.

"You watch straight porn?"

"Yeah, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm not curious." He said.

"What could you possibly be curious about?"

"I think it would be fun to have sex with someone who has a vagina. It seems interesting." He
said.

"So you're bi?"

"No. If a woman has a dick, I'm still not into her. But if a guy has a pussy, then I'd consider
it." Nanami said.

"But doesn't testosterone mess up your vulva or something?" Satoru asked.

"It makes your clit get bigger. But if I'm gonna have sex with him, he doesn't need hormones,
I just want a guy with a pussy, that's all." Nanami said.

"You're so weird." Satoru rolled his eyes and laid back down against his chest.

"Why's that weird? It's still a guy." He pulled him closer.

"I don't know, how often do you think about it?" Satoru rolled over to lay on top of him. He
bit back a whimper when he brushed against Nanami's leg.

"As often as it comes up." He said. "Hey, Satoru?"

"What's up?" He asked.

"Can I talk to you about something?" He chewed his lip ring. His brown eyes had softened,
he let his innocence shine through, like doe eyes.

"Sure. Is everything okay? Was I too mean earlier?" Satoru asked.

"No, it's not that. It's just that, it's August, and I've been thinking a lot about the fact that it's
August, and uhm, we started this whole thing in November. And you're having dinner with
my parents." His cheeks were flushed pink. Satoru could feel his heart racing.

"Yeah?" Satoru blinked.

"I think I'm in-" Nanami stopped talking in the middle of his sentence and pushed Satoru up
onto his knees. He pulled his legs out from underneath him and threw a blanket at Satoru.
There was a knock on his bedroom door before it quietly opened. Satoru covered his boxers
with the blanket.

"Hey, Kento." His mom whispered, "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I got up to get a little
something to snack on. I know you didn't eat much at dinner, so I just wanted to check in."

"Oh, thanks." His face was practically glowing red.

"Do you mind if I come in and drop snacks off." She asked.

"Uhm, yeah, that's fine." He told her. She opened the door and tiptoed in with a little tray.
There were two bottles of juice, fruit snacks, a little container full of raspberries, granola
bars, little bags of chips and crackers, and a bag of sour gummies. She put the tray down on
the dresser and smiled at Satoru before rushing out of the bedroom with a quick goodnight.

"Wow, your mom really loaded us up." Satoru said once the footsteps quieted down.

"Yeah, she does that. I think I make her anxious when I don't eat." He said.

"When I didn't eat, my mom just called me ungrateful and I'd be better off going to bed
hungry." Satoru said. He meant it as a joke, but once it left his mouth, he realized it wasn't
very funny.

"Your mom's a bitch anyway." Nanami told him.

"You're not wrong." Satoru shrugged, "What were you saying before? I think you got
interrupted."

"Oh, right, yeah, that's not important. Don't worry about it." He shook his head.

"You sure?" Satoru said.

"Yeah. It's fine." He said.

"Okay." Satoru leaned in to give him a kiss. Nanami whimpered softly and reached for his
hands, "You can talk to me about anything."

"Thank you. Can you hand me the juice?" Nanami asked.

 Maroon
Chapter Summary

You were standin' hollow-eyed in the hallway

Carnations you had thought were roses, that's us

Chapter Notes

CW: Homophobia, Megumi gets misgendered by a social worker

He still couldn't go home. Nearly two years and he still couldn't enter his childhood home.
So, he met up with his mom at a cafe. They sat at a table together, and his mother sipped her
tea politely.

"I just don't understand why you don't want to visit me anymore." She huffed.

"I do want to visit you, but I have a hard time being at home still." He told her.

"It was two years ago. And you act fine the rest of the time." She was tall, and thin, and
deathly pale, like Satoru was. But her hair was a light blonde, not white, and her eyes were a
much more natural shade of blue. Besides the slight astigmatism in her right eye, she had no
other issues. She was mostly normal, mostly just an attractive blonde.

"Mom, I have a trauma disorder. I can't just get over it." He sighed.

"Whatever. I guess if the doctor insists on not visiting me like a normal child then-"

"Oh my god, can we not do this again? Can we just have a nice time?" He asked.

"Fine. We'll have a nice time." She sipped her tea again, "I haven't heard much about your
friend with the bangs. Do you still talk?"

"Do you mean Geto? My fiancé? The guy I was so romantically involved with that I asked
him to marry me?" Satoru asked.

"You don't have to be so flamboyant about it." She muttered quietly.

"We broke up, like a year ago." He sighed.

"Oh, wonderful. I've met this really lovely girl, she's about your age, and she said she really
doesn't mind your, uhm, lifestyle, and she would make a very accommodating wife."

"Interesting. So just to clarify. You think that it's wonderful that the first person I ever fell in
love with, the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with
broke up with?" He blinked back at her.

"I'm sure it was hard for a while, but you really need to think about your future." She told
him.

"I almost killed myself. Do you care about that at all? I had to put myself under constant
supervision for months because I was so depressed." He told her, "And I'm still not interested
in women, I never will be."

"Gay men marry women all the time, you don't have to like her just-"

"No, absolutely not." He shook his head, "In fact, I'm seeing someone. And he's a man, and
we kiss and hold hands and go on dates to the movies, and we're a normal couple, and I love
him so much. He's so cool."

His mouth had started moving faster than his head. They weren't a couple, but they sure did
act like one. And he did love Nanami, but Nanami probably didn't love him back the same
way. But as long as he didn't hear anything, it didn't matter.

"Do I get to meet this new friend of yours?" His mom asked.

"Absolutely not. Not until you can recognize our relationship." He said. He paused for a
minute and stared down at his cup of coffee. They'd given him a disposable paper cup, not a
glass mug, and he'd paid for everything himself, "You know what, I have a date tonight. I'm
gonna go. Call me when you care."

He gathered up his stuff, and stepped outside, away from his mother. He wasn't sure if he'd
cut ties with her or not, but he didn't feel bad about what he said. He was sure she'd find a
reason to call him again.

~*~

Satoru and Utahime were walking back from class together. The leaves were changing again.
The start of a new school year, the last one he might ever have. The girl she usually walked
with was gone, so Satoru volunteered. But he didn't expect to see Professor Ryomen smoking
outside the history building.

"I thought you got fired." Satoru shouted at him.

"Jesus fucking Christ." He groaned and turned to face him. He was a big dude, with tattoos
around his wrists, and acrylic nails. The first two on his right hand were short, but the rest
were a little longer and gently pointed, "I'm not fucking my TA."

"Sounds like something someone who's fucking their TA would say." Satoru said.
"They're 26. The fuck am I supposed to do with a 26 year old?" He rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, you're the pervert here." Satoru said.

"I was so happy to be done with you. Finals were over, and I was so happy I'd never have to
deal with your bullshit again." He glared at him.

"If you're not sleeping with them, why do you have lesbian nails?" He asked.

"First off, inappropriate, I'm a teacher here, you don't need to know shit about that. Second,
I'm seeing someone else, who is also 32, and who I am having sex with, and she is not my
TA." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"It's like you don't even like her." Satoru said.

"Well, I mean, she's a bitch, but you know." He shrugged, "Why am I telling you about
anything? Get to class."

"I don't have class." He said.

"Well your friend there is looking uncomfortable. Is she the replacement for the kid with the
gauges?" He asked.

"She's a good friend of mine." Satoru said.

"Whatever. I like the dress, sweetheart, pink looks good on you." He raised his cigarette like
he was waving at her. Satoru saw Utahime's face so red. She was wearing a cupcake shaped
dress decorated with kittens and bows and ruffles, and lace. She tugged on Satoru's arm.

"Can't wait to see you fired." Satoru turned and walked away. Utahime glared at him.

"Can't wait to see you flunk out." Ryomen called back.

Once they were out of earshot, Utahime pulled him down to her level, "What the hell was
that?"

"Relax, I'm just messing with him." He grinned.

"The whole point of you walking with me is to avoid creepy old men, not shout at them in the
street." She smacked the back of his head.

"Oh, please, I could take him." Satoru said.

"Like hell."

"When else am I gonna have a chance to defend my fair lady's honor?" Satoru bat his
eyelashes at her.

"You're so dumb." She snarled, "Do you believe him?"

"Oh, not at all. He's absolutely sleeping with his TA." He laughed.
He dropped Utahime off at her dorm room and wandered back over to his own. He pulled the
can of Monster out of his backpack and opened the door. He dropped his bag by his bed and
leaned over to give Nanami a quick peck on the lips. He handed him the can of Monster with
a soft smile.

"Thank you for making it through the day today." He said, "I've got a thing tonight so I can't
go out, but I know that life's been hard lately, and I know that it's a lot of work to just exist
sometimes, so here's my thank you."

"That's very boyfriend of you." Nanami said.

"I'm a great boyfriend." He smiled and kissed his cheek. Nanami stared at him for a long
while.

"I have something to tell you." Nanami sighed.

"What's up? Why do you sound so sad?" Satoru reached to hold his face softly.

"I got a job offer, for after I graduate." He chewed his lip ring.

"That's great news! What kind of job is it?" He grinned.

"It's for a stock firm. It's boring desk work, but it pays pretty good." He shrugged.

"Then what's got you so upset?"

"It's in Nagoya." He shrugged.

"Oh. That's kind of far." He said.

"Yeah." He nodded, "I start in January."

"You're not finishing out the school year?" Satoru blinked.

"I'm graduating early to make it out there. They're giving me a sign in bonus."

Satoru swallowed. He'd be hours away, and working long days, and Satoru had finally had a
breakthrough with the adoption, which meant he'd be raising two kids. And the restaurant
was in Tokyo, he couldn't move to Nagoya. But he was in love with Nanami, he couldn't just
leave like that. Satoru couldn't just be doomed like this right?

"Are you gonna take the job?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm just waiting on the paperwork." He bit his lip.

"Oh. I guess, we probably won't see each other very often then." He nodded.

"No, probably not." He shook his head, "But we have until January."

"Right. Yeah." He nodded.

"Are you mad at me?" Nanami asked quietly.

"No, I'm not mad." Satoru held his face, "I'm just sad I won't get to see you anymore."

"I'm sad too. But we can still visit sometimes, right?" Nanami chewed his lip ring.

"Yeah, we can visit. You know you'll have to take those out, right?" He tried for a smile.

"I know. I thought about getting a barbell for my septum, or a retainer or something, but I'll
have to get rid of the snake bites. And I'll probably have to cut my hair." He nodded.

"I genuinely don't think I can imagine you as a salaryman. Wearing a suit, the side part, no
makeup, you'll be a whole new Nanami." He said.

"It's gonna be so weird." He said. An alarm went off on Satoru's phone and made him jump.

"I have an appointment I've gotta get to. Would you mind giving me a ride over? I can take
the train if you're busy, but-"

"No, I can drive. Where is it?" Nanami asked.

"The foster care center. I'll send the address."

~*~

Satoru leaned over the center console to give him a kiss goodbye. He promised to catch the
train home, and he'd text as soon as he was done. Nanami nodded and pulled him in for
another kiss. Satoru hopped out of the car and wandered inside, up to the front desk.

"You must be Gojo." The social worker smiled and held out her hand.

"Gojo Satoru. I'm here to meet with the Fushiguro kids." He said.

"Yes, absolutely. They're a great pair of girls, it's so rare to see sisters that love each other like
that." She smiled and looked at the chart. Satoru blinked and frowned.

"No, there should be a boy and a girl, a brother and sister." Satoru said.

"Megumi and Tsumiki?" She asked.

"Yes, Megumi is Tsumiki's little brother." He told her.

"Uhm, according to all our records, Fushiguro Toji had two daughters, one is biological, the
other he adopted from his wife's previous marriage." She told him.

"But, I've met Megumi before, and I was in regular contact with Toji's wife before she died.
Megumi is a boy." He said.

"Well, she's a bit of a tomboy, so I suppose I could understand the confusion." She laughed.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Listen, Gojo, I'm not sure what else to say, I can take you to meet with the girls, or not." She
told him.

"Fine, yeah, I'll just talk to Megumi and figure it out." He rolled his eyes and followed her
back to a little meeting room. There were couches, armchairs, and buckets of toys for all
different ages. There were shelves full of books and games.

Sitting on the couch was Megumi, with his usual messy hair, and Tsumiki wearing two braids
tied off with pink ribbons. Megumi wore a t-shirt and flannel shirt that didn't fit him, jeans,
and red sneakers. He had a backpack sitting on the floor next to him. Tsumiki was wearing a
knee length olive green dress embroidered with flowers with a peter pan collar, and a pink
cardigan. She had on loafers and white socks. Her nails were painted a sparkly blue color.
Her shoulder bag was propped up next to her.

"Hey, what's up." Satoru grinned. Megumi sneered at him, Tsumiki's eyes darted away.

"Why are you back, freak." Megumi frowned.

"I told you, I'm gonna get you kids out of your gross relative's house." He sat across from
them in one of the armchairs.

"And then what?" Megumi asked.

"You get to come hang out with me." He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.

"Gross." Megumi rolled his eyes.

"Hey, kiddo, I've got a question." Satoru asked.

"What do you want?"

"The social worker out there kept calling you a girl, have I been getting it wrong?" He asked.
He really didn't know how to broach the topic. Nanami was better at this kind of thing, so if
he could just do what Nanami does, it should be easy. Hopefully.

"No, I'm a boy. You're right." Megumi nodded.

"Good, I was worried I messed it up. Why do they think you're a girl?" He asked.

"Because Dad was too lazy to change my birth certificate even though I asked him like a
million times." He slumped down on the couch.

"Are you trans?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah, I guess." He shrugged.

"Do you want me to yell at them about not calling you a girl?" He asked.

"No, I tell them every time I meet up with them. They don't listen, but I only see them once
every few months, so whatever." He sighed.
"Did your Dad call you a boy when you asked?" Satoru felt very nervous all of a sudden.
What if he said something wrong? Or hurt the poor kid's feelings? He wanted to be kind, and
helpful, and loving, but he wasn't entirely sure how. He just knew he wasn't going to be like
he mom. He would recognize his feelings, and try to make sense of things, and support him
the best he could.

"Yeah, he didn't care. He just said I wasn't allowed to change my name." Megumi told him.

"Does that make you upset? I can call you something different." Satoru said.

"It used to make me mad, but Naoya is such a jerk about Megumi being a girl's name, and it's
fun to see him get mad about it." He said. Satoru laughed.

"Oh you're a little rebel. I pierced my ears because my mom said earrings would make me
look gay." He smiled.

"They do." Megumi said.

"Thank you. My boyfriend bought them for me." He grinned, "Tsumiki. How are you doing?
Is your family treating you well?"

He watched her hands ball up into fists on her knees. She stayed quiet.

"You can text me if that's easier. Megumi, do you want to let her use your phone?" He asked.
Megumi passed his cell phone over to her.

I'm ok. Family is hard.

She stared down into her lap. Satoru wondered if she couldn't talk, or just didn't feel
comfortable enough with him.

"Are you safe?"

Safe enough.

Satoru sighed. He was almost positive there was something going on at home that she was
hiding. He just wasn't sure what. He hoped for the best, but it was 80 degrees outside, and she
was in a sweater, and kept pulling her sleeves down. He wasn't sure if that could ever mean
something good.

"It would be really helpful for me to know what's going on so I know what the best way to
help you is. So if you ever wanna talk about it, I'm here to listen." He smiled gently at her.
She nodded and clutched the phone in her hands, "I'm picking out an apartment soon. You'll
probably be sharing a bedroom while I look for a house. Is that okay?"

I would like to share a room for a while.

Tsumiki texted him. Megumi nodded.

"Alright cool, how should we decorate? Do you wanna split the room in half? Do you have a
color scheme you like? Do you wanna do a themed thing?" He asked.

Megumi liked blue, Tsumiki liked green. She wanted plants, he wanted a dog. They both
liked books. Megumi liked cartoons, and Tsumiki liked video games. She liked Animal
Crossing, and Legend of Zelda, and The Sims. Megumi liked Adventure Time, The Regular
Show, and Gravity Falls. He could do this. He could make this work.

"Do you have a Power Ranger sticking out of your bag?" Satoru asked.

"What? No. Power Rangers is for little kids." He frowned.

"I think that the white ranger is my favorite because he's the strongest." Satoru said.

"That's so lame." Megumi scoffed.

"What's his name? Timmy? Tony?" Satoru knew the kid was itching to correct him. He could
see it on his little face.

"Tommy Oliver." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Thank you. Tommy Oliver." He smiled.

They talked for the rest of the hour. And by the end, Megumi was starting to come out of his
shell a little bit. He was still a confrontational brat, but it was a little less aggressive, and a
little more playful. He was a cute kid. Tsumiki never spoke up, but her texts got longer, and
more detailed, and she seemed a little less guarded.

"Are you really gonna adopt us?" Megumi shifted a little on the couch.

"Yeah, I'm absolutely going to." He nodded, "It's just taking some time to sort out all the
paperwork."

"But we're gonna live together in an apartment and it'll be just us?" He bit his lip nervously.

"Yeah. I mean, at least for now. Who knows, I might meet someone nice, we might get a dog,
but I'll tell you about that kinda stuff way in advance." He said.

"Promise?" He asked.

"Pinkie promise." Satoru held his pinkie out for Megumi to loop his finger around. He was
going to get Tsumiki out of that house, and he was going to make sure Megumi could feel
some stability for once. He needed to protect these kids.

~*~

Satoru opened the door to his dorm room and waltzed over to Nanami. He straddled his hips
and wriggled his way under his book to hide his face against his neck.

"How'd it go?" He asked.

"I really hope I'm a good dad." Satoru sighed.

"What makes you think you won't be?" Nanami asked.

"I don't know my dad, I don't even know his name. How am I supposed to be a good dad if I
never saw what that looks like?" He let his lips ghost over his skin. Touching him always
made him feel so at peace.

"What kind of dad do you wish you had?" He combed through his hair softly.

"Someone who's just not like my mom. Someone that loved me, and supported me, and knew
when my plans didn't match up with hers, and knew that's okay sometimes." He sighed.

"Do you think you can love and support those kids?" He asked.

"Yeah, absolutely. They're all I think about anymore." He sighed.

"Then you'll be a great Dad." Nanami pulled him in closer, "Which means you'll need to find
a great Mom to help out."

"Who do you think could be a good mom?" Satoru asked. The day was starting to catch up
with him. He could feel a wave of exhaustion starting to hit him.

"Someone calm to help balance you out, and someone who can keep a level head when you
get worked up. Someone that knows how to help you relax." Nanami told him.

"Like you." Satoru said. His eyes were starting to flutter closed.

"I love you, Satoru." Nanami said. He was too tired to process what he'd said, but he knew it
made his chest feel warm and fuzzy.

"I love you too." He muttered quietly before drifting off to sleep.
 Nothing New
Chapter Notes

How can a person know everything at 18

And nothing at 22

Nanami packed the last of his stuff up into his dad's car. Satoru put the last box down for him.
He didn't look like Nanami anymore. His hair was short and pushed back out of his face, he
looked naked without his piercings in.

"I think that's it." Satoru announced, placing his hands on his hips.

"Thanks. I appreciate the help." Nanami told him, "You'll still text me, right?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Every day." Satoru smiled. He wanted to cry.

"You're gonna be a dad soon." Nanami reached for his hand.

"I know, it's so weird to think about." He tried at a laugh. He missed Nanami's cute little
dimples, and the eyeliner. He missed his shirts that were too tight, and his neon boxers he
always wore. He missed the little peak of tattoos when his shirt rode up. He missed him, even
though he was standing right in front of him.

"Are you gonna make them call you Dad?" Nanami asked.

"God no, they're starting high school soon, they're not gonna call me Dad." He shook his
head, "Don't drink yourself to death out there."

"No promises." Nanami said, "I'll miss you."

"Me too." Satoru said. He wanted to tell Nanami everything. He wanted to tell him he'd been
in love with him for months, that he didn't want him to go, that he wanted to stay with him
forever, that he was such a special little safe haven, but the lump in his throat blocked the
words.

"Hey, Kento, you ready to roll out?" His dad called.

"Just a second, Dad." Nanami shouted back. He darted forward and enveloped Satoru in a
hug. He smelled like cheap cologne and cigarettes, and it was everything Satoru wanted.
Satoru grabbed his cheeks and tilted his face up to give him one last kiss. One last taste
before he let him go.
"Please take care of yourself." Satoru pleaded.

"Take care of those kids." Nanami nodded.

"And keep in touch."

"Remember to call me." Nanami told him.

"I will." He smiled, "Goodbye."

~*~

The apartment was small, but there was a kitchen, and two bathrooms, and a bedroom for the
kids. Shoko and Utahime helped him move in. Two lesbians and a twink did not make a very
good moving crew, but they made it work, Utahime worked on unpacking while Satoru and
Shoko carried furniture up the stairs. He bought a couch off some guy on the internet, and the
TV stand he found for free. He wanted to hang up pictures, because his mom never did, but
he didn't have any to put up. Shoko helped him put together a bookcase, and a desk.

His bedroom was just a bed, desk, and dresser. He'd upgraded to a queen size bed like a
grown up, but it took up most of the room. Most of the furniture budget went to the kids
room. Two twin beds on either side of the room with a dresser in between, an extra wardrobe,
and another bookshelf for them to share. There was only enough space for one desk in the
room, but he figured that was fine. He never used his desk in college, it was just another
surface to put drinks on most of the time.

One bed had blue sheets, the other had olive green. Utahime had painted a bunch of
watercolor pictures of flowers and framed them for him to hang up on Tsumiki's side of the
room, and on the other side, he hung up some floating shelves. From all the texts with their
mom, Megumi seemed like a kid who liked toys, so he hoped this would give him some
space to display them. He placed a little Tom Nook plush he found on Tsumiki's bed, he
couldn't find Timmy and Tommy, so he just bought two smaller Tom Nooks to give him a
family. He lined the dresser with a few succulents in pots decorated with little faces. He
couldn't do much about the dog right now, but maybe once they had a house. He left a couple
decorative little cups out, maybe they'd hold pens, or makeup brushes, or who knows what
else kids needed. He found a little pride flag, the ones on the little stick, and stuck it in one of
the cups he left on Megumi's side of the room. Maybe it was cheesy, and maybe the
sentiment wouldn't come across right, but Satoru didn't really care.

The bathroom wasn't really decorated, but he tried to stock it up with everything they might
need. He left the basics out for them to share, but he made sure to give each of them a little
storage caddy. He bought them each deodorant, and toothbrushes, and hairbrushes, and
combs. They each had their own loofah, razors, bubble bath, and bath bombs. He gave
Tsumiki hair ties, a couple bottles of nail polish. He filled a drawer with sheet masks, a sugar
scrub that smelled like cucumber, leave in conditioner, hair oil, and good lotion. He'd had a
bit of a meltdown trying to figure out if Tsumiki was old enough to need tampons or not, so
he had to get Shoko to help him. He ended up getting pads and tampons and leaving them in
a cabinet under the sink for her. He made sure they had their own Advil, and Tylenol, and
cold medicine, and band aids. He tried to remember that these kids were probably leaving a
pretty bad situation and might be a little hesitant to ask him for things.

The apartment felt so empty alone. He was so used to his tiny little dorm room with Nanami,
that being alone in an apartment felt so isolated. But Shoko was helping him pick up the kids
soon, she even agreed to drive Utahime's car since hers reeked of cigarette smoke. But then
there'd be company, and he could breathe easily again. He was gonna be a dad soon. And
Nanami would be starting his new job, and he wouldn't be here to meet his kids. He pulled
out his phone to take a picture of their bedroom to show Nanami his progress. He replied
almost immediately.

Cute! I like the Nook family on the bed. Does the flag mean one of them is trans?

Yeah. I wasn't sure if it would be too much for him but it seemed better than not enough
:/

I think it's nice

Everything felt different now. It was a step towards something he couldn't quite explain. He
sat on the couch, staring at his new space, wondering how his life would turn out. He
wondered if he'd be a single parent forever, or if he'd finally find someone that stayed with
him.

"You ready to go?" Shoko asked.

"Yeah, let's go pick up the kids. And remember, absolutely no smoking until we get the kids
here and you get outside." He reminded her.

"I'm an addict, not stupid." She rolled her eyes, "Come on, we'll be late."

Satoru followed her outside to Utahime's car. It was cute, with silly little toys on her
dashboard, and beads hanging from the mirror. The drive was quiet. He spent most of the
drive trying to figure out what 13 year olds listen to. He could just ask, but what if they didn't
wanna talk to him? Tsumiki definitely wouldn't give him any input, so it would just be
Megumi's decision, and he'd probably just whine about it either way. He turned on some 80s
something in hopes it was neutral enough to not be offensive to their tween ears.

The Zenin house was massive. There were at least four different buildings on the property.
Shoko pulled up next to the social worker's car. Megumi and Tsumiki sat on the porch, each
with a box, and their backpacks. They sat with a pair of girls that looked a little older, one of
them wore round glasses that were too big for her face.

"Is that your new dad?" One of the girls leaned over to Megumi.

"He's not my Dad." He sneered, "I'm just living with him until I'm 18, then I'm living on my
own."

"What's up?" He stepped out of the car and grinned.

"You kept us waiting forever." Megumi groaned.

"I was decorating your new bedroom. You wanna see?" Satoru pulled out his phone. He
thought maybe showing them pictures before they left would help them warm up to the idea a
little. Megumi and Tsumiki looked at the pictures with wide eyes.

"That's not our room. Real life bedrooms don't look like that." Megumi shook his head.

"Then who's bedroom did I spend all day putting together?" He asked, "I'm counting on you
guys to mess it up and make it feel less staged, sound doable?"

"You're so weird." Megumi told him.

"Is that all your stuff? Or is there more inside?" He asked.

"This is everything." Megumi said.

"Okay, let's throw it in the trunk." He reached for the boxes while Shoko opened the back,
"Kids, this is my friend Shoko, she's our chauffeur for the rest of the day. Shoko, this is
Megumi and Tsumiki."

"Pleasure." She said. They loaded the boxes into the trunk and let the kids keep their bags
with them. Tsumiki seemed uncomfortable when Satoru reached for it, so he just let his hand
fall and didn't say anything about it. The social worker ran through her checklist one more
time and handed him two manila folders full of their documents, along with the kid's
cellphones. Apparently their relatives thought it was important for Satoru to set up his own
monitoring system before they got unsupervised access. The kids said their last goodbyes and
climbed into the backseat of the car.

Tsumiki reached for her brother's hand. She looked so scared, it broke Satoru's heart to see
her so upset. He wished Nanami was here to help talk to her. He was so much better at it. He
could read Satoru's mind and guess exactly what he needed. He would probably know exactly
how to help her relax.

"Alright, we're gonna go see the apartment, I'll let you guys unpack, get comfortable, start
organizing stuff. If you could keep a list of everything you still need, that would be really
helpful, but you don't need to stress out about it tonight. Then I was gonna order some food
for dinner." Satoru said.

"Okay." Megumi said. For the first time, he sounded shy.

"What do you guys like to eat?" He asked.

"I dunno." Megumi shrugged. Tsumiki stayed frozen in place, "Tsumiki doesn't eat meat."

"Do you like tofu, Tsumiki?" He asked.

"She thinks it depends how it's made." Megumi told him.

"There's a donburi place close by, they have tofu, pork, chicken, beef, and shrimp." Satoru
told them, "How does that sound?"
He watched Megumi look over at Tsumiki for a moment, "I think that's okay, but I don't
wanna eat yet."

"Oh yeah, you need to settle in first." Satoru nodded. Megumi gazed out the window at the
snow starting to fall. Satoru let them sit in silence for most of the drive. He tried to keep his
voice low while he talked to them, especially Tsumiki. She seemed to be the much more
fragile one of the pair, and he didn't want to scare her.

He carried the boxes up the stairs, Shoko followed close behind, her pack of cigarettes
already in her hand. She immediately wandered out on the balcony to go smoke. Satoru set
the boxes down on the counter for now.

"It's pretty small, but it's just until we find a house. That's my room over there," He pointed to
his bedroom door, "You are always allowed to come in and hang out if you need some
company, if the door is locked, just knock. I'll try and let you know ahead of time if I'm busy
in the shower, or a phone call or anything. But over on this side is your bedroom and
bathroom."

He let them open the door to their bedroom. Megumi waited for Tsumiki to step inside so he
could follow her. She wandered over to the watercolors on the wall above her bed, and stared
at them for a long time. She carefully reached a hand out to pat her Tom Nook plushie
between it's ears. Megumi picked up the little flag and frowned at it. Satoru knew it was
dumb, he knew it was a bad idea. Of course Megumi would hate it, he shouldn't have done
anything at all. He watched him carefully put it back in it's little cup.

"There's a closet, and the extra wardrobe. I hope you guys don't mind sharing a dresser, there
wasn't space for a second one." He smiled, "But there should be lots of storage, so you'll have
tons of space to put things. We can move things around as much as you'd like, anything
hanging up will be a little bit of a hassle, but we can do it."

"I have a flag." Megumi pointed to it.

"Yeah, because you're special, and I want you to feel celebrated." Satoru's face was hot. It felt
so cheesy to say out loud now.

"Oh." He said softly.

"Bathroom." He announced, "You should have everything you need. You've each got your
stuff, Megumi you have the blue, Tsumiki you've got green. There's some fun little extra
things in there for you guys to share if you'd like."

Neither of them said anything. They just looked through their little caddies. They didn't touch
them, it's like they were afraid to mess it up.

"Also, we've got a yes bowl. You can eat anything you want out of this bowl at any time and
you will never get in trouble. Honestly, the whole kitchen is fair game, I'm not gonna yell at
you for eating. But the bowl is like, super extra triple safe." He held up a big, bright orange
plastic bowl. He'd thrown a few snacks in there already, but he was hoping to fill it up the rest
of the way when he figured out the kids favorite snacks. Tsumiki leaned over to whisper to
Megumi.

"Do you have pads?" Megumi asked him.

"Under the sink." He looked at Tsumiki, "I wasn't sure what you used, so I grabbed tampons
too just in case, and I can always go grab something else if you need me too."

"She doesn't really use tampons. She thinks they're scary." Megumi said.

"Then I'll give them to a friend. Don't stress." Satoru shrugged. Tsumiki was blushing bright
red.

"Hey, it's okay." Satoru crouched down to sit more at her level, "I'm here to take care of you.
And I know it can be a little embarrassing to ask, but I'm not gonna be upset with you for
being a person with a healthy body."

She nodded slightly.

"That being said, I'm still a dumb boy, and I don't know everything. So if I missed something
important, let me know and I'll make sure it's fixed." He smiled at her. She nodded again. He
stood back up and ruffled Megumi's hair, "Also, I got presents."

Satoru hurried to his bedroom and grabbed the plastic bag. He came back holding two sets of
pajamas. Megumi got a navy blue and white baseball tee with navy colored plaid pajama
bottoms. Tsumiki got a pink pajama set decorated with strawberries. Maybe the pink and blue
was cheesy, but kids clothes were so gendered it was hard to find much else. It was all navy
blue and neon green sports and video games, and pink and turquoise kittens and cutesy little
characters. Adult clothes weren't much different, but at least he knew himself well enough to
know what size negligee he wore. Kids were harder, especially kids he barely knew.

Tsumiki bowed and whispered to Megumi again.

"Is it okay if Tsumiki and I take a shower before we unpack?" He asked.

"Yeah, of course. I have some laundry to do. Do you have anything that needs washed?"
Satoru asked. He watched Tsumiki's eyes go wide with dread, "I don't have to, it's fine."

"Can we wait until after shower?" Megumi asked.

"Sure. I can wait." Satoru said.

"Hey, asshole." Shoko opened the balcony door, cigarette hanging out if her mouth.

"No, back outside, there's kids here." He shooed her back out onto the balcony.

"Nanami wants to talk to you." She said.

"Really? I thought he was starting his new job today." He blinked.

"I don't know, he just texted wanting you to call him." She shrugged.

"Uhm, yeah, I can do that." He nodded and turned back to the kids, "I'm gonna go into my
room to talk to a friend. If you need me, just knock, but I'm gonna leave to let you shower,
okay?"

Megumi nodded and followed Tsumiki back to the bedroom. Satoru hurried into his nearly
empty bedroom and locked the door behind him. He scrambled to dial Nanami's number. It
barely even had time to ring before he picked up.

"Satoru." He heard Nanami sigh.

"Hey what's up?" He asked.

"I just finished my first day of work." He said. He sounded tired.

"How was it?"

"Exhausting. I miss you." Nanami said, "I can't sleep alone anymore."

"I miss you too. You'd be so much better with these kids than I am." He sighed and collapsed
on the bed.

"How are they adjusting?" Nanami asked.

"I think they're nervous. One of them is just completely non verbal, she talks to her brother
occasionally, but most of it is just a guessing game. I think she was a lot worse off than her
brother before." He said.

"Don't pressure her. She'll talk when she's ready." Nanami said.

"Yeah, I know, it's still hard though. Even her brother is mostly subdued. It's like they're
walking on eggshells. I feel awful, but I'm not sure what else I can do for them." He groaned.

"Give them time. They'll warm up to love eventually." He promised.

They talked about work, and decorating their new apartments, and how weird life got all of a
sudden. They talked about how badly they missed each other, and how desperate they were to
just feel each other. He missed Nanami's kisses, and his Axe deodorant. He wanted to feel his
head on his chest and his hands on his stomach. Being an adult was hard. He wanted nothing
more than to just hold and be held. He was going in to work on Wednesday, which should be
a slow day for him to get trained up on the computer systems and everything. Technically he
was supposed to know how all this worked already, but his mom had made all the decisions
before, Satoru was completely in the dark. Nanami would be good at this.

"Maybe I could call back after I get the kids into bed and you could keep me company while
I fall asleep." He smiled into the phone.

"If I'm still awake. Text me when you're headed to bed." Nanami said.
"Okay. I miss you." He said.

"I miss you too." Nanami said, "I'll talk to you tonight."

They said their goodbyes and Nanami hung up the phone. After the line went dead, Satoru
whispered a soft 'I love you' into the microphone. Maybe over in Nagoya, Nanami was saying
it back.

He stepped out of his bedroom. Shoko had left on her own. Tsumiki was in her strawberry
pajamas, standing outside the bathroom door, waiting for her brother. She was trying to brush
her hair, but she was tearing through the knots so hard she was starting to wince.

"Oh, hey, relax, you'll rip your hair out, little lady." Satoru told her, "Mind if I help out a
little?"

She stared at the ground and handed him the brush.

"Come sit with me. It'll be easier." He brought her over to the couch. She sat on the floor in
front of him and brought her knees up to her chest, "Is it okay if I touch your hair?"

She nodded. He carefully pulled all her hair back over her shoulders. It looked knotted up
pretty badly, but that's fine, he wasn't in any kind of hurry. He gently tried to separate chunks
of hair out with his fingers. He used to do Suguru's hair like this all the time, he never
brushed it and it always got so tangled and matted.

"You always wanna start at the ends of your hair, okay? Starting up at the root is just gonna
make the knots tighter." He told her softly. He brushed out her tangles as gently as he could.
He tried not to pull too hard on her hair, but he knew he caught a few knots a little too
roughly. He took his time and brushed out the knots, section by section. He heard a little
sniffle come out of her, he leaned over to check on her, only to see tears rolling down her
cheeks, "You okay? Am I pulling too hard?"

She shook her head.

"Promise?" He asked.

She nodded and wiped her face.

"Okay. If I start hurting you just smack me." He told her, "Is there a reason you're nervous
about the laundry?"

She shrugged. The first thing she'd asked about was pads, and she immediately wanted to
shower and change clothes.

"Are you worried about stains?" He asked. She sniffled again and bit her lip. It took her a
moment but she nodded again, "That makes sense, I'd be worried too. But I feel like it's
important for you to have clean clothes. So, there's a few things we can do. Can I run you
through the options?"
She nodded. He brushed through her hair gently. He wasn't entirely sure how he was
supposed to go about this. He'd never really considered the possibility before.

"I am more than happy to just take care of it all for you, so you don't have to worry. I can
throw some stuff in the washing machine with some soap and just leave the lid open so you
can start it yourself. If you're worried the washing machine won't be enough, I can help you
get rid of the stains before we throw everything in. Or I can show you the laundry and you
can do it on your own. So that's, four options I think?" He asked.

She held up three fingers, and waggled a fourth in the air.

"You'd like to do by yourself but you want some help with stains." He repeated. She nodded,
"Do you want me to just give you instructions, or do you want me to show you?"

She held up one finger.

"Then I'll finish brushing your hair, and get you some stuff that can help. I'm guessing it's
blood that's an issue?" He asked. She pulled her knees closer to her chest and nodded,
"There's Advil under the sink if you need it."

He heard the bathroom door open and close. He turned to look at the sound. He jumped a
little, for a split second his brain saw Toji, with his tired eyes, and hair falling in his face. He
felt bile rising in his throat, even after he realized it was Megumi. His heart pounded in his
chest.

"You scared me. I wasn't expecting you there." He laughed, trying to cover up the anxiety
rising in his chest, "Could you do me a favor?"

"What?" Megumi asked.

"Under the kitchen sink there's a big ugly brown bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide. Can you go
grab it for me?" He asked with a smile. Megumi shrugged and walked away. By the time he'd
come back, her hair was brushed out and her tears had stopped rolling quite so hard, "Alright,
so, first just rinse everything off with cold water. If that doesn't work, you can use just a little
bit of this, you can put it on a cotton pad or something if that's easier. And it should just lift
everything away, then rinse again, and we can start laundry."

Tsumiki took the bottle from him, stood up, bowed, and walked away.

"Why was my sister crying?" Megumi asked him.

"I'm not sure. I was helping her brush out her hair." Satoru said.

"Mom used to do that." He said, "Naobito pulls her hair when she doesn't tie it up right."

"Did I remind her of Naobito?" Satoru asked.

"No. She stopped crying about that kinda stuff." Megumi shrugged, "Is it okay if I watch
TV?"
"Go ahead." Satoru shrugged, "What are you watching?"

"The new season of Adventure Time. I haven't seen it yet." Megumi said.

"Tell me about it." Satoru said.

He was following at the start. Magic kingdom, hero boy, magic dog. An evil king capturing
princesses. And then it took a weird turn. The dog and the boy were brothers, and the dog
was married to a Korean unicorn. There was a dictator princess that was doing unethical
experiments on her citizens and one of her creations started a totalitarian city state. The evil
king was actually a scientist gone mad trying to protect his daughter. There was an extra
dimensional God who made homemade pickles, and somehow a Lich King was involved.

Tsumiki sat down next to her brother to silently watch her show. She looked much more
relaxed now.

"That's Tree Trunks. She's an elephant." Megumi pointed at the tiny green elephant on the
screen.

"Who's your favorite character?" Satoru asked.

"Marceline." He said, "Tsumiki likes Princess Bubblegum."

"The dictator?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Okay, sure, why not." Satoru shrugged, "Are you ready for dinner?"

Tsumiki's stomach growled in response. She blushed and curled into herself. Satoru pulled
out his phone to order food. Megumi asked for chicken, Tsumiki was getting tofu, and Satoru
got pork.

~*~

The kids seemed much happier with full bellies and cartoons on. Tsumiki was starting to drift
off. Satoru's heart ached to call Nanami, and Megumi was still more than happy to keep
watching his show.

"I think I'm gonna head to bed. Since you guys had a stressful day, you can sleep out here if
that makes you feel better that the bedroom. My bedroom door is open if you need anything.
You can take the snake bowl in your room with you, just make sure to throw trash away. Am
I missing anything?" Satoru asked. Tsumiki yawned, "Oh, you've got a wax warmer in your
room. It's got a little light bulb in it, next to it should be some wax melts you can pick out, but
if you'd rather just have a light, that's okay too."

"I'll go to bed with Tsumiki." Megumi said. Tsumiki turned the TV off and headed off to bed,
"Do you need our phones?"
"Not tonight. We can talk about the phone rules in the morning. For now just try and get
some sleep." Satoru said, "We've got some big plans tomorrow."

"What are we doing?" Megumi asked.

"I'll make some breakfast, and then we're gonna make some lists to go shopping. I'll get you
some new clothes, new bathroom things, we can pick out some more decorations if you want,
and I want to get you some snacks you like. Then we're gonna work on setting up some house
rules together so we're all feeling safe and protected, but we can still have privacy and
responsibility." Satoru told them.

"That's a lot." Megumi said.

"If it's too much tomorrow, we still have Sunday." Satoru said. Megumi nodded.

"What are we having for breakfast?" He asked.

"I was gonna make some rice, eggs, I can make some tofu, vegetables. Probably something
pickled. I don't know." He watched Megumi's eyes go wide, "What's up? Do you have some
thoughts?"

"Can we have pickled ginger?" Megumi asked quietly.

"Uh, sure. The store bought stuff isn't very good, but I can make you some tonight if you
want it in a couple days." Satoru said.

"You can just make it?" Megumi blinked at him.

"Yeah, it's pretty easy to make." He shrugged.

"Oh." He nodded.

"Are you a big fan of pickled ginger?" Satoru asked. Megumi nodded shyly, "We can have
pickled ginger all the time if you want. Do you want me to get some of the store bought stuff
too?"

"Yes please." His cheeks had flushed pink.

"I'll add it to the list." Satoru smiled. What a weird kid,"Anything else before bed."

They looked at each other and Megumi shook his head.

"Then I'm gonna go get some sleep. There's more blankets in your closet if you need them, if
you need something, come wake me up, I won't be upset." He promised, "Goodnight,
kiddos."

"Goodnight." Megumi whispered.

Satoru closed his bedroom door behind him. He could hear the kids padding around, quietly
whispering to themselves. He could hear Tsumiki talking with Megumi, but he couldn't quite
make out anything she said. But it confirmed his suspicion that she would only talk to
Megumi. Maybe he should start looking into therapists for her, that was supposed to help
with selective mutism, right? That's probably what she had. Therapy definitely wouldn't hurt.
Maybe they should both get into therapy.

But that was a problem for tomorrow's Satoru to figure out. For now he sent a quick text to
Nanami. Again, almost immediately, his phone started ringing.

"Hi, Nanami." He said quietly.

"You're back." Nanami sounded so relieved. Satoru finally felt at peace with him on the
phone, "Did your kids go to bed?"

"I think so. I'm trying to give them some space while they get used to things." He said.

"That makes sense. Remind me their names." Nanami sounded tired.

"Tsumiki is the older girl, Megumi is the younger boy." He said.

"Right. Thank you." Nanami said. Just hearing his voice made Satoru's eyes feel heavy. He
missed him so much it made his chest hurt. They barely talked, just sat on the phone together,
occasionally muttering little 'I miss you's into the phone. After an hour of just existing
together, Satoru finally got the courage to speak up.

"Nanami, I know it's a little late for this now, but I think I'm in love with you. I wish I
could've told you sooner." Satoru said. There was nothing but silence on the other line, "Did
you fall asleep?" Still nothing, "Goodnight, Nanami. I love you more than you could ever
know."

~*~

In the morning he woke up to a text.

I think I fell asleep on the phone with you. Thank you for keeping me company last night.

Satoru sighed and got up to check on the kids. He knocked quietly on their bedroom door. He
didn't hear an answer. He quietly opened the door and peeked his head inside. The sheets on
Megumi's bed were thrown back. They were both fast asleep in Tsumiki's little twin sized
bed, with Tom Nook cradled between them. The wax warmer was turned on without any wax
in it, a perfect little night light for kids that swore they didn't need one. He'd let them sleep
for a while longer while he made breakfast.
 You're on your own kid
Chapter Summary

You always have been

Chapter Notes

CW: References to previous suicidal tendencies, Nanami is an alcoholic, both are very
brief.

Mornings were always hectic. Megumi never had his homework done, and always tried to
skip breakfast. He had to help Tsumiki do her hair, and make sure Megumi ate something for
breakfast, and had his lunch in his bag.

"Gojo, I can't find my shoes." Megumi shouted from his bedroom. Tsumiki had showed him a
picture of two little buns this morning and he was trying to get her pigtails even.

"They're not in your room?" Satoru asked. He had a hair tie in his mouth.

"I looked and couldn't find them." Megumi poked his head into the bathroom.

"Are they under your bed?" Satoru asked.

"I checked under the bed." Megumi said.

"Okay, give me just a second and I'll help look." Satoru said. He quickly tied off her second
ponytail and wandered into the bedroom. He laid on his stomach to look under Megumi's
bed. He moved a math book over to the side and pulled his sneakers out from under the bed.

"But I looked there!" Megumi protested.

"I don't know what to tell you, kiddo." Satoru said, "Did you brush your teeth?"

"No." Megumi shook his head.

"Brush your teeth." Satoru told him. He went back into the bathroom to finish Tsumiki's
buns. She was putting toothpaste on her toothbrush when he came back in. He back combed
her pigtails a little and twisted them up into the buns. He shoved a couple pins in there to
make sure it stayed in place. She finished brushing her teeth while he gave her a light coat of
hairspray, "Do you want ribbons?"
He held out the little box he'd filled with hair ribbons. She picked out some yellow ones so he
could tie little bows around her buns. She was probably too old for Satoru to be doing her
hair, and tying it up with ribbons, but he liked being able to spend a few minutes with her
every day. With Megumi being so much louder than her, he had to work twice as hard to
make sure she didn't slip through the cracks. This way he could show her that even when
things were a little hectic, he still cared about what she thought and felt and ee could take the
pressure of talking off her shoulders for a little while.

"We could put glitter in your hair." Satoru said quietly. She wrinkled her nose and Satoru
laughed, "We'll save it for a dance or something."

"Gojo, I need help with math." Megumi shouted.

"Why didn't you finish it last night?" Satoru asked.

"I needed help and you were at work." Megumi said.

"The bus leaves in 15 minutes." Satoru sighed.

"It's just one question." Megumi said.

"Okay, just a second. Tsumiki, what do we think? Do you like it? Are we feeling good?" He
asked. She smiled, "Cool, I'm gonna go help your brother."

He put a piece of bread in the toaster and took the worksheet from Megumi. It was a little
picture of a square that shared a side with a quarter circle.

"Okay, what are you having issues with?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know how to do a rectangle with a curve like that." Megumi said.

"What kinds of shapes are curved?" Satoru asked.

"Circles." Megumi said. Gojo grabbed a colored pencil sitting on the counter. He traced out
the square and the curve.

"How much of a circle is this?"

"A quarter." Megumi said.

"So if you find the area of the entire circle, how much would just this wedge be?" Gojo
asked.

"Oh. Okay. I think I got it. Thank you." Megumi grabbed the paper and scribbled out the
math on his worksheet. The bread popped out of the toaster. He topped it with peanut butter,
some raspberries from the fridge, and sliced almonds from the massive bag he kept in the
cupboard, just in case.

"Breakfast." Satoru handed him the toast on a paper towel and waited for Megumi to take a
bite. He grabbed the bento boxes from the fridge and handed them to each kid. He grabbed
Tsumiki's essay from the counter and made sure it found it's way into the folder in her
backpack. And then the kids rushed out the door and waved goodbye.

The door closed behind them and Satoru took a second to breathe and remind himself how
grateful he was that he got to skip the babies and toddlers, he was pretty sure trying to handle
a newborn would kill him. He collapsed on the couch for his 7am nap. He didn't get home
from work until 1 or 2 in the morning most nights, and he was up at 6 to get the kids off to
school. He needed the couple hours of sleep in the morning to function, but then it was
cleaning, and cooking, and laundry, and the never ending stack of dishes. His social life was
nonexistent now.

If only Nanami stayed. He could've marry a rich salaryman, stayed home with the kids, and
had weekends to go out and have fun. They'd just hired a new assistant manager so he could
take Fridays off now, and he finally felt like he could breathe again.

He woke up a few hours later, at 10. He hated sleeping on the couch, it always made his
shoulders hurt. But at least he got some sleep. He turned out the lights in the apartment so he
could take off his glasses inside. His eyes were getting worse, and his doctor said that light
exposure might actually help his light sensitivity, as backwards as that felt. Breakfast was just
some instant ramen. He could've made an egg, but honestly, he couldn't be bothered. He
might be a Dad now, but he was still 22, he could make bad food choices. But it was Friday,
he could spend the night with his kids, they could watch a movie together. Megumi seemed
interested in the Zootopia movie, but Tsumiki kept pointing out the alien movie with Jeremy
Renner.

They could make dinner together, and eat popcorn and ice cream. And Satoru could watch
dumb kids movies. Sometimes he wondered if he babied them too much, and then he
remembered where they came from, and the people that raised them, and he figured they
could get babied a little.

~*~

The kids got home around 4. The apartment was clean, laundry was done, folded, and put
away, and he'd turned the lights back on for them. Megumi came inside put his bag in his
bedroom, and flopped down on the couch.

"Megumi, you know better, shoes off." He said. Megumi rolled his eyes and kicked his shoes
off by the front door. Tsumiki handed him a little card stock invitation. A girl at school was
having a slumber party for her birthday next weekend, "Do you wanna go?"

She stayed still for a moment, before slowly nodding.

"Yeah, that's fine. Do you feel comfortable enough going alone?"

She shrugged and pulled at her sleeves.

"What if you take your phone with you, and we can say a secret codeword that means you
need me to come get you?" Satoru asked. She nodded, "Okay. If I get a call or text from you
that says pretty please, I'll pick you up."
She nodded again.

"Do you think therapy is helping?" He asked. She nodded, "Good. I'm glad. The invitation
says it's all girls, does that make you feel better?"

She nodded.

"I think it's gonna be a ton of fun. Megumi and I are gonna have to fight to keep up." Satoru
smiled at her. He got the smallest of smiles back and his heart melted, "Okay, let's get some
homework done and then I have the night off, so we can do something fun. What do you have
today?"

Tsumiki handed him the little planner he'd bought for her. It was pink, with little succulents
on the front. Most of her assignments were highlighted green, but one was yellow, she had to
calculate the slope of linear equations. She didn't have any pink assignments today, which
made things easy. Megumi just had a worksheet to fill out for history class.

"Do you kids wanna help me cook dinner? Then we can work on homework?" Satoru asked.
Tsumiki held up her planner, she wanted to work on homework, but Megumi volunteered to
help.

He put Megumi on peeling duty while he diced onions. Tsumiki got to pick out music for
them. She was a big fan of Halsey and Melanie Martinez, and Megumi was not, but he didn't
complain this time.

"Come here, let me show you how to use a knife." Satoru said.

"I can use a knife. I'm not a little kid." Megumi protested.

"Then it'll be a really fast lesson. Come here." Satoru waved him over, "First just cut off the
ends. Then, make sure you curl your fingers in like this, that'll keep them safe from the
sharp."

Megumi copied the way he held his fingers.

"Now you're gonna want to hold the knife by the handle, but what you should do instead is
pinch the actual blade, right there, at the corner, and then the rest of your fingers can hold the
handle." Satoru explained. Megumi did as he was told and slowly and carefully cut up the
carrots while Satoru started cooking down the onions. He helped Megumi with the potatoes
and helped him chop the curry mix into smaller pieces.

Colors by Halsey came onto the speaker. Satoru thought back to that morning in his dorm
room. He was so upset he couldn't eat. Everything reminded him of Suguru. He'd been so
ashamed of how low he'd fallen that he could barely talk to Nanami. And then they talked,
and Nanami drank, and they kissed, and Satoru was terrified to fall in love again, but he did it
anyway, and nothing mattered anymore. He thought about Suguru and Nanami. They were so
different, even the way he loved them felt different.
Suguru was a contest, a fight to win. They'd argue over nothing for no reason. Everything
was hot, and fast, and passionate, like a spark that never went out. He was shy, unless he was
alone, when he was loud, and opinionated, and too proud for his own good. Nanami was
different. His love was peaceful, slow, soothing. He was embers that never quite died down.
Nanami could warm him from the inside out. Things were simple, easy, effortless. And he
still let it get away.

"I remember listening to this song after a really bad breakup. It's so weird to think that was
like a year and a half ago." He said.

"Is that the boyfriend that buys you earrings?" Megumi asked.

"No, that one is really complicated right now. He's in Nagoya, and I don't know, it never
really worked out." Satoru shrugged, "The bad breakup was the one before."

"Did you cheat on him?" Megumi asked.

"No, of course not. What makes you think I'd cheat on someone?" Satoru stared down at him.
Megumi just shrugged and went back to cooking.

"Then what did you do?" Megumi asked.

"Well, we were in an accident, and it made us both pretty sad all the time, and I think we just
changed as people." Satoru said.

"No, that's the boring grown up answer. What's the fun answer?" Megumi asked.

"He stopped answering my calls, there was a really big and really public fight, he called me
some mean names, and then said he didn't love me anymore." Satoru said.

"What kind of mean names?"

"Maybe when you're a little older." He said. The kids didn't need to know about their father,
and Satoru's mental spiral trying to figure out if he could be a parent. In a roundabout way,
Suguru left because of Megumi. And the kid didn't need that on his shoulders.

"What kind of accident did you have?" Megumi asked.

"A super scary one." Satoru ruffled his hair.

"I bet it didn't even happen." Megumi said. He watched Tsumiki look up from her homework
and stare at Megumi like she'd strangle him if he wasn't on the other side of the counter.

"You wanna see the scar?" Satoru asked. Megumi's eyes went wide and he nodded. Satoru
crouched down and pulled the neckline of his shirt back for him to see.

"Oh, that's really big." Megumi said quietly.

"Yeah, but I'm the strongest, so it didn't even hurt." Satoru shrugged. Megumi quietly went
back to cutting vegetables. Satoru ruffled his hair and stirred the curry.
"Are you gonna get a new boyfriend?" Megumi asked.

"I don't know, maybe eventually. But I'm having too much fun with you guys to date right
now." Satoru smiled.

"Are you gonna marry your old boyfriend?"

"Oh, I don't think so. He's off doing his own thing now." Satoru sighed.

"Do you miss him?"

"Sometimes, it's complicated. You're a very curious kiddo today, aren't you?" Satoru raised an
eyebrow.

"I guess." Megumi shrugged.

"Who's picking the movie tonight?" Satoru asked. Tsumiki pointed at Megumi, "Alright, but
after your sleepover, it's your turn to pick."

"I wanna watch Zootopia." Megumi said.

~*~

They ate dinner on the couch. Megumi sat on the floor in front of them and ate off the coffee
table. The movie was cute, it made him laugh a few times. Megumi watched with wide eyes,
absolutely fixated on the screen whenever Judy and Nick were together. Satoru watched
Tsumiki flick Megumi on the back of his head after Judy sank into the wet cement. He turned
around and scowled at her. Poor kid had a crush on a cartoon rabbit. Satoru was one to talk,
when he was little, he was obsessed with Robin Hood. Until he watched The Princess Bride
when he was 12. He remembered lying to his mom when she asked if he liked Princess
Buttercup. He did, but he liked Wesley a lot more. He wondered if Judy Hopps would be
Megumi's Dread Pirate Roberts.

Partway through the movie his phone started ringing. It was Nanami calling at 9pm on a
Friday.

"I'll be right back, you guys keep watching the movie, fill me in when I get back." He walked
into the bedroom and closed the door, "Nanami, are you okay? What's up?"

"Satoru. You answered." He giggled.

"Are you drunk?" Satoru asked.

"I'm celebrating." Nanami laughed.

"What?"

"I haven't had a drink since Sunday. That's like almost the whole week." He said.

"You're celebrating being sober by getting wasted?" Satoru sighed.

"I'm not sober, I'm responsible now. I'm an adult and I'm responsible." Nanami told him.

"I'm really proud of you for five whole days, but I don't know if that's the healthiest way to
look at things." Satoru sighed.

"I don't care. I don't have fuck all else going on. All my friends are gone, my job sucks like a
bitch, I miss the taste of you." Nanami groaned loudly.

"Baby, I can't do this tonight. I'm trying to spend some time with the kids and I just-"

"Come visit me, princess." He said, "Just for a couple days."

"You know why I can't do that. There's school, and work, and time. And I just can't swing a
visit right now." Satoru sighed. He felt like garbage turning him down like that. He thought
back to those nights in the dorm room, picking out funeral flowers, talking about why he
needed to stay alive for six more months, staring at hotline numbers and making bad
decisions. But what else could he do right now?

"Then I'll come see you." Nanami said. Satoru sighed. The kids were too fragile. Tsumiki
couldn't handle another man in the apartment. Satoru was working too much. He just didn't
know how to make it work right now.

"Maybe." He said, "Listen, I really gotta go, they're waiting for me. Call me when you're
sober next time, okay? And please don't do anything drastic. I love you, and I want you to
stay safe."

"Why didn't you ever tell me you loved me before?" Nanami asked.

"I don't wanna have this conversation when you're drunk, call me in the morning and we can
talk." Satoru sighed, "Goodbye, Nana."

"Bye bye, princess." Nanami said quietly, "I love you too."

The line went dead. Satoru dropped his phone on his bed and held his face in his hands. He
grabbed a pillow to scream into. Maybe on a different day, he could've talked about his
feelings, and let Nanami drunk rant at him. But not tonight. He sent a quick text.

Please stay safe

Hopefully that would stop the guilt eating away at him. He grabbed his phone and opened the
door. Megumi and Tsumiki both scrambled away from the doorway.

"You didn't happen to be eavesdropping on my conversation, Megumi, right?" He smiled.

Megumi shook his head, "And you didn't hear a word I said?"

"Is that the complicated boyfriend or the big fight boyfriend?" Megumi asked.

"The complicated one." Satoru said with a sigh.

"Are we getting in the way? Would it be less complicated if we weren't here?" Megumi
asked.

"Oh my god, no, of course not. I've been trying to bring you home since before I broke up
with the big fight boyfriend. He knows how much I care about you guys. He might be sad for
now, but he'll get over it." Satoru crouched down to smile directly at Megumi.

"Is he an alcoholic?" Megumi asked.

"It's complicated." Satoru sighed.

"That's a stupid answer."

"I know. I think it's pretty stupid too." He said, "Let's go watch the movie again, you seemed
to be pretty attached to some of those characters."

He watched Megumi's face turn bright red and he stared down at the floor. He must've been
down pretty bad for that rabbit.

~*~

The next morning Satoru rolled out of bed, wondering if he'd hear from Nanami. He didn't
have any missed calls or new texts, so it was time to play the waiting came. Megumi and
Tsumiki were already awake, two empty cereal bowls sat on the coffee table. Tsumiki was
playing on her DS, Megumi was drawing in a notebook and watching Gravity Falls. They'd
poke each other whenever Dipper and Mabel did something goofy.

"Hey, sorry I slept so long." Satoru said, "How's your game, little lady?"

She turned the screen around to show off the shark she caught in her animal crossing game.

"Congrats! That thing looks huge. What are you drawing?" Satoru sat on the floor next to
Megumi.

"Nothing." He held the notebook close to his chest.

"Please? I bet it's super good." Satoru waggled his eyebrows.

"You'll laugh at me." Megumi said.

"I'm not gonna laugh, I'm gonna be very serious." He promised. Megumi thought for a
moment before flipping the page and letting Satoru look at his notebook. It was a crude
picture of a wolf, with black fur, and blue eyes. It was wearing a leather jacket, with black
jeans, and a black shirt with a skull on it. There was a scar over one eye. He had a spiked dog
collar on, "Oh he looks scary."

"That's what I'd be in Zootopia." Megumi said. Satoru stared down at the drawing. His kid
had a fursona. An emo one with pierced wolf ears and a leather jacket.
"Is his name also Megumi?" Satoru asked. He even had all the little details written out in the
margins.

"No! Megumi is a girl's name. His name is Nightfall, but that's just his criminal name, his real
name is Shiro." Megumi said.

"He's a criminal?" Satoru asked.

"He, he's a thief, but he doesn't hurt people. And he only steals from evil rich people."
Megumi said. Satoru had never been happier. He wished every day he had the courage to be a
cringy 13 year old, and here Megumi was, with his sick and twisted fursona. One glimpse
into his dark mind would make normal people go insane.

"That makes sense. He's like, a good criminal." Satoru nodded. Megumi flipped the page.

"That's his twin sister, her name is Daybreak. She's a vigilante trying to stop Nightfall, but
she doesn't know it's actually Shiro in disguise." explained. Daybreak was a white wolf with
purple eyes. She was dressed like a ninja, with a scarf around her neck to pull up over her
muzzle. She had a katana on her back.

"This all sounds very dramatic." Satoru told him.

"Yeah." Megumi said. Satoru started to turn the page. He only caught a glimpse of the black
wolf and Nick Wilde leaning in for a kiss before Megumi snatched the notebook away, "That
one's not done yet."

"I didn't see anything, don't worry." Satoru raised his hands in surrender. The pieces were
finally clicking into place. Satoru could not have been happier. What better way to spend 7th
grade than to make emo OC's so they could kiss your favorite characters. And Megumi was
fixated on the fox the whole time, not the rabbit. Megumi was gay. And he was gay for the
bad boy con artist characters. Tsumiki flicked him on the back of the head again. Satoru
loved being a Dad.
 Never Grow Up
Chapter Summary

Remember the footsteps

Remember the words said

And all your little brother's favorite songs

Chapter Notes

CW: a bit of paranoia at the end

The last boxes finally made it inside. Satoru had bought a new house. He did it. He did the
grown up thing. And there were plenty of bedrooms. One for all three of them, and one extra.
He had a real kitchen, and space to hang photos, and room for all Tsumiki's plants. And space
for the dog he was going to get Megumi. It looked so empty now with how little furniture he
had. The dining table looked tiny in the new space. The couch didn't fill up the living room.
The TV was too small for the wall. But the kids were running off to pick out their bedrooms,
and he was trying to unpack boxes. He'd hired a PA, Ijichi, a kid he went to highschool with,
he'd just turned 20. It felt like Satoru had been 20 a decade ago. Shoko and Utahime were
helping him move in again. Hopefully for the last time.

He'd spent the last few months tracking down any pictures of the kids he could find from
before he picked them up. Even painful memories didn't deserve to be forgotten entirely. He'd
gathered enough for a couple photo albums, which he'd lined up on the bookcase he'd set up
in the living room.

School was starting soon. Tsumiki was starting high school. And next year Megumi would be
too. He wondered if she'd still let him do her hair every morning, her bangs were growing
out. He wondered when he'd build up the trust for her to use her voice in front of him. He
wondered how Nanami was doing. Was he okay? He hadn't heard from him since April when
he'd called in the middle of the night. He should text him. He should call him.

He went to check on the kids. Megumi picked the room closer to the living room, farther
from Satoru's bedroom. His room had the dresser, Tsumiki had the extra wardrobe, which
meant he'd definitely need to buy more stuff. Megumi was sorting out all his toys and
figurines he'd collected. There was a little yellow pony, with pink hair, and decorated with
butterflies.
"Isn't this Tsumiki's?" Satoru asked. Megumi froze.

"No, it's mine." He said. His voice cracked a little. They'd had to up his dosage recently,
which meant his voice was getting deeper. He'd started bleeding again, and he'd made himself
sick with anxiety but it had been a few months and he seemed better now.

"Is this Fluttershy?" He picked up the little horse.

"I don't know, I don't watch My Little Pony." Megumi shook his head.

"My favorite is Rarity." Satoru said.

"Oh my god, of course she's your favorite. You're just like her." Megumi rolled his eyes.

"Beautiful and fashionable?" Satoru asked.

"Annoying and stuck up." Megumi said. Satoru laughed. He was getting much sassier as he
got older, but he never had any heat behind his words.

"Does she have a story?" Satoru asked.

"Mom bought her for me." He said.

"What for?" Satoru propped his head up with his elbow on the dresser.

"When, like, the normal puberty started." He said awkwardly.

"The normal one?"

"Like, not the medicated puberty. The normal kind." He started putting his books away.
Satoru watched him start to hunch over and hide, the same way he did when he came to
Satoru in tears to ask for another doctor's appointment to adjust his hormones. His hands
were shaking when he tried to adjust his little toys.

"Hey, Megumi, it's just like I told Tsumiki. There's nothing that you need to be-"

"I'm not like Tsumiki." Megumi snapped back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way." Satoru told him. It was hard. It was always just an
unspoken thing between them, but maybe they should talk about it more? Maybe Satoru
wasn't doing enough to validate him, "Do you need more support from me?"

"What do you mean?" Megumi asked.

"I'm trying really hard to help you feel seen without making you feel singled out. But in all
honesty, I'm kind of just winging it, and if I'm doing something wrong then I'd like to fix it.
Do I need to be treating you differently than I am right now?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know. I've never had someone ask me that." Megumi blinked at him.
"Can you think about it and let me know?" He asked. Megumi nodded, "Thank you. Do you
want a hug?"

Megumi stepped forward and hugged him. He was getting taller. He came up to Satoru's
chest now, but he was still almost a full inch shorter than Tsumiki. He wondered how tall he
was gonna get. His dad was tall, but he had no idea how that would translate to Megumi.
Maybe he was done growing. Maybe he was just stuck at five feet tall forever. Or maybe he'd
get as tall as Satoru was.

"Can we get another flag please?" Megumi said.

"To match the trans flag I got you?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah." Megumi nodded.

"Absolutely. Which one do you want?" Satoru ruffled his hair.

"I don't know yet." Megumi shrugged.

"Unpack for a while, and then we can look online together and pick out something you like."
Satoru said.

~*~

They didn't get to flags that night, but they did get to go to the shelter together. Tsumiki held
onto Satoru's bag while they walked around. There were dozens of dogs. Little pugs, terriers,
and a couple chihuahuas. There were pit bulls and German Shepherds and Great Danes.
Satoru let Megumi take the lead and pick out what kennels to look in. He didn't seem to like
the small dogs very much, which would've been so much easier to take care of. Satoru had
never been a huge fan of dogs, but Megumi had been begging for one for the full eight
months they'd been together. Whatever made him happy.

Megumi was practically vibrating with excitement. One of the German shepherds jumped up
onto the chain link wall of the kennel, it's tail wagging like it's life depended on it. Megumi
grinned and held out his hand towards him.

"His name is Ringo!" Megumi squealed with delight. Ringo barked at him and dropped back
down to all four feet to sniff Megumi's hand. Megumi waved goodbye and kept looking at the
dogs. Dogs were too big, Satoru wanted a cat. Cats were so much easier to take care off, you
just fed them and made sure they had water and that was it. But it's not about what he wanted,
it was about calming Megumi's anxiety about the move, and feeling safe in a house outside of
the city. Besides, Megumi had put together a PowerPoint presentation on why he thought he'd
earned a dog, and the dedication was hard to argue with.

Megumi stopped when he saw two big dogs sharing a kennel together. A solid black and a
solid white, both sitting patiently waiting for Megumi to approach them. Their names were
labeled as Nikko and Gekko, Sunshine and Moonlight. Megumi reached his hand out to let
them smell and sat down on the ground in front of them.
"You're so pretty." He said softly, "And you're so polite. I don't like your names though."

"Which one do you like?" Satoru asked. Megumi pointed to the sign hanging up on the
kennel.

We're a bonded pair! Please don't separate us we'll be very sad!

One dog was a lot for Satoru, never mind two of them. But Megumi just kept staring at them,
and they did seem well behaved, and really how much more work was two dogs instead of
the one.

"Excuse me." Saroru found a girl working with another dog, "Can you tell me about that pair
over there?"

"Well, they're a bonded pair of littermates, so they will have to be adopted together. They
were surrendered to us as two huskies, but we haven't done any DNA testing yet, so they
might be mixed. They're about three years old, so well out of the puppy stage, they've been
trained by a previous owner, and they're absolute angels." She told him.

"So they're well trained?" Satoru asked.

"Some of the best huskies I've seen. They're super smart, super friendly, and since they're a
pair, they can play with each other, which should help get some energy out." She explained.

"Gojo." Megumi called out. Satoru turned around to look at him, "I know you said one dog,
but I really like them both."

"They're gonna be your responsibility. Can you handle two dogs?" Satoru asked. He knew
that absolutely wasn't true. He'd be taking care of them.

"I can take care of two dogs." Megumi nodded.

"Alright, let's do this. Two dogs." Satoru sighed. Tsumiki had wanted a cat, why couldn't she
be the animal kid. They could've had an animal that spent all day napping, and not howling
all day trying to get attention. They signed the paperwork and brought the dogs out to the car
with Ijichi, "What are you going to name them?"

"I haven't decided yet." Megumi shrugged.

They brought the new dogs inside and Megumi slowly showed them the house. He talked to
them like he would a new friend. He was calm and polite and carefully explained what each
room was for, what they could touch, and what wasn't allowed. He told them that they should
stay out of cleaning supplies and medicine, in case they got hurt, and where everyone in the
house slept so they wouldn't get lonely or confused. He showed them the food bowl in the
kitchen, and promised they'd have a second one soon, they just didn't expect to get two dogs.
He took them outside, where it was fenced in, and took them off their leashes so they could
run around outside. Megumi sat on the back porch and watched.

Satoru stepped outside and sat next to him, "Are you excited?"
"Yeah, they seem happy here." Megumi said. The white dog ducked her head down, trying to
get the black one to play. She ran around him in circles and whined.

"Remember the three rule, Megumi. It'll take three days for them to decompress." Satoru
watched the black dog cautiously sniff around the yard.

"I know. But they're playing, and curious, and they don't look scared." Megumi told him, "I
think I picked out names."

"The lady at the shelter said we should keep the end of the name the same so it's easier for
them to learn." He said.

"Kuro and Mashiro." Megumi pointed at the dogs as he announced their name.

"I think that sounds good. I think I'm gonna go pick up some stuff with Ijichi, think you can
stay safe with the dogs while I'm gone?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah, I'm gonna let them play for a while, and then when they get tired, we can get them
some food." Megumi stared at the two dogs.

~*~

Megumi had barely left the dog's side since they brought them home last week. They shared a
bedroom, played outside together, went on long walks, napped together. And honestly, Satoru
was impressed by how much work Megumi was putting in for them. He fed them and refilled
their water twice a day, he even had alarms on his phone to keep them on schedule. He
brushed them, cleaned up after them, he had pretty successfully trained them to recognize
their new names, and he'd moved on to new tricks. They already knew the basics, sit, lay
down, stay, but Megumi had decided to teach them how to shake hands. He spent every day
practicing with them. They'd have full conversations together. The dogs would howl and
whine at him and Megumi would just nod and tell them about his day.

Today was his first day back at school and he came home and immediately fell asleep. Kuro
had snuggled into his arms and Mashiro was curled up by his feet. They were all piled up
together in bed, napping quietly, just happy to be back together. They'd been driving Satoru
crazy all day, howling and whining and desperate to be either inside or outside, whichever
one was different from where they were then. But Megumi had greeted them both with big
smiles, and hugs, and scratches, and kisses. And once they'd calmed down, they finally fell
asleep. Satoru took out his phone to snap a picture before quietly closing the door.

Tsumiki gently tugged on the back of his shirt.

"Hey, little lady, what's up?" Satoru asked. Tsumiki bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut.
Her breathing was harsh and shaky, she wouldn't look directly at him. He waited patiently for
an invitation to help. She pulled a sheet of notebook paper from her pocket.

"May I please stay the night at Hana's house on Saturday night?" She asked. Her hands were
shaking, she looked like she was about to cry. Her voice was high pitched and squeaky.
Satoru's heart soared. She talked to him. She spoke. She let him hear her voice.
"You absolutely can. Do you need a ride from Ijichi?" He asked.

"Yes please." She nodded.

"Is there a special occasion or just for fun?" He asked. He didn't expect an answer.

"Just fun." She said. Satoru's excitement felt impossible to contain, he was sure it was
showing on his face, but the therapist said it was important not to overwhelm her.

"Let me know if you need anything. Remember the code word is pretty please. And I'm really
happy you felt safe enough to tell me about it." Satoru smiled at her. He felt like he was
walking on eggshells. He could see her trying to get through his shaky breaths, "It's okay if
you need a break. I'm really proud of you."

She nodded.

"Can I give you a hug?" He asked. She nodded and leaned up against him so he could hug
her. Sometimes she would just snuggle up against him, her arms tucked against her chest, so
he could hug her as tightly as he wanted.

~*~

Saturday came sooner than he expected. Tsumiki hadn't spoken again, she'd fallen back into
her usual silent communication. She left around noon, leaving Satoru and Megumi home
alone with the dogs. They sat on the couch together with the laptop, looking at new flags for
Megumi. Mashiro had her head on Megumi's lap, Kuro sat at his feet.

"There's a lot." Megumi said quietly.

"Yeah, there is, but that's okay, I can help you pick one out." Satoru told him.

"What's that one?" Megumi pointed to the screen.

"That's the bisexual flag, it means you like both girls and boys. My friend Utahime has that
one." Satoru said.

"Oh. Okay. Which one's yours?" Megumi asked.

"I'm boring. I just have the normal rainbow one." Satoru said.

"Why's that one orange?"

"That's for lesbians, I don't think you'd like that one." Satoru said. Megumi shook his head.

"Uhm, is there any other flags for the both?" Megumi asked.

"Sure. There's tons. Do those feel better to you?" He asked. Megumi nodded, his cheeks
tinged pink, "There's pansexual, where you kinda just like everyone and you don't care if
there are boys or girls at all. Omnisexual means you like everyone, but you might like boys
and girls differently. There's a bunch of other ones."
Satoru watched Megumi blink at his screen, his eyes were wide, his face was red.

"Do you like either of those?" Satoru asked. Megumi shrugged, "What's up?"

"I dunno." He said shyly.

"Talk to me, tell me what you're thinking about." He nudged him.

"What if I pick the wrong one? I'm only 13, what if it changes?" Megumi asked.

"Well, it could, but then we just get you a new one that fits better. I can also say that in my
experience, I've never wanted to date girls. I've always liked boys. The way I liked them
changed, I don't have crushes the same way I did when I was 13, but I've always felt the best
living as a gay man." Satoru said.

"What if I'm different?" Megumi asked.

"Then that's fine. Sometimes they're just words, and that's okay. Do you wanna pick
something out tonight or do you wanna think about it some more?" Satoru asked.

"Can we get the pansexual one? I think I like that one best." Megumi pet the dog on his lap.

"Absolutely. Thank you for talking about it with me. I know it can feel big and scary, and I'm
really proud of you for asking for help." He smiled. Megumi leaned over and rested his head
on Satoru's shoulder. Satoru pulled him in for a hug.

~*~

Satoru woke up to a quiet knocking on the bedroom door. He groaned awake. It was dark
enough he didn't need his glasses, he could see well enough. His door creaked open slowly.

"Gojo?" Megumi asked softly. Satoru blinked, trying to focus on the doorway.

"Hey, kiddo, what do you need?" Satoru's voice was hoarse with sleep. The dogs were sitting
next to Megumi.

"I had a nightmare. Normally I'd go see Tsumiki, but she's gone." Megumi whispered.

"Yeah, come on in. Do you wanna talk about it?" Satoru asked.

"Not really. It's about Dad." Megumi sighed, "Can the dogs and I just stay with you tonight?"

"Absolutely, come here." Satoru scooted over to make room for Megumi. He quietly stepped
inside and closed the door behind him. He locked the bedroom door behind him, unlocked it,
then locked it again. He did the same with the window, then looked into the bathroom. Satoru
heard the shower curtain open, then Megumi shut the bathroom door, and climbed into bed
with Satoru.

"Thank you." Megumi said quietly. The dogs jumped onto the bed and curled up around each
other to go back to sleep.
"You feeling okay?" Satoru asked.

"I don't really know what job Dad had, but I know he kept a big bag full of tools and stuff. I
heard him and Mom yelling about how he broke into places. I know he's in jail, but it makes
me feel better knowing stuff is locked." Megumi sighed. Satoru remembered Suguru's door
lock, it hooked into the door latch and locked from the inside. And the bar he kept shoved up
under the door handle. For six months after the accident, Satoru was up at least three times a
night to check the locks on the windows and doors.

"I can understand that." Satoru nodded, "Do you know why your dad got arrested?"

"Not really. Mom wouldn't tell me." He sighed.

"Do you want to?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know. Not right now." Megumi said.

"If you ever want to talk about it, you can always ask." Satoru said.

"I just wanna go to sleep." Megumi whispered.

"Okay. I'm sorry for asking so many questions. Goodnight, Megumi." Satoru told him.
Megumi hummed softly and fell asleep.
 Safe and Sound
Chapter Summary

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Chapter Notes

CW: Megumi has a white knight moment, Megumi gets in a fistfight, referenced
canonical violence

I promise we'll be back to Nanami soon! Thank you for bearing with me. I will be going
back down to 1 chapter a week for December, hopefully that'll let me build enough of a
backlog that I can get back to more frequent uploads <3

Tsumiki burst through the door after school. Satoru jumped so hard he almost dropped the
bagel he was eating.

"Megumi got detention." She announced.

"What did he do?" Satoru blinked at her.

"He said he was gonna lie and say he volunteered to help clean so you wouldn't get mad at
him." She said.

"I will talk with him about that later, what happened?" Satoru asked.

"Another kid pushed him during gym class when they were playing basketball and said he
played like a girl, and Megumi punched him." Tsumiki shrugged. She still hadn't really
mastered putting emotion behind her words, so he always felt a little like he was talking to
Siri or something, but after a year since the adoption, she was talking consistently now. So
Satoru couldn't be too upset about it.

"And where did you hear this from?" Satoru frowned.

"Megumi texted me about it." She held up her phone.

"Why didn't the school call me?" Satoru asked. Tsumiki shrugged, "Goddammit, okay, I'll
handle it."

"Can we practice with Guess Who again?" She asked.

"Only until Megumi gets home." He said with a sigh.

Tsumiki kicked her boots off by the front door and pulled the game boards out. Satoru had
been having regular practice sessions with her. They played silly little games that relied on
simple yes or no questions, like Guess Who and Go Fish. It gave her a script to follow, and it
helped them spend time together. And it seemed to be helping. They still had their little habits
that never quite broke, like the homework planner that almost always found its way to Satoru
when it came time to finish homework. Tsumiki would still gently pull on his clothes to get
his attention. They still sat in silence while he did her hair every morning, and brushed it out
every night before bed. But now they had a shared Pinterest board to pick from. She had yet
to speak in front of Ijichi, but she would with Shoko and Utahime, which didn't surprise him.
She still got so nervous around men, especially when they were older.

But what was he supposed to do about Megumi? So far he'd been very careful about
punishments, they were given out sparingly and logically. Messes had to be cleaned up,
missed buses meant early bedtimes, late homework meant limited screen time. But neither of
the kids had ever gotten violent before, even with each other. Maybe he could call Tsumiki's
therapist and see what she thought. But first he wanted to sit Megumi down and talk with him
about it.

Satoru and Tsumiki had gotten through a game and a half of Guess Who before Megumi
quietly walked in the door. He was sitting on the floor with her with his back to the door.
Satoru could hear it click closed and Megumi trying to tiptoe down the hallway to his
bedroom.

"Hey, kiddo, come sit." Satoru called out. The footsteps froze, "Come on, you don't get to
escape that easily."

He turned to watch Megumi turn the corner, his head hung low, and sat on the couch next to
them. His knee was bouncing rapidly.

"Sounds like you had an eventful day at school." Satoru said.

"You said you wouldn't tell him!" Megumi shouted at his sister. Tsumiki opened her mouth to
tell back.

"Tsumiki, don't." Satoru told her, "Megumi, what happened?"

"We were playing basketball, and this other kid pushed me." Megumi shrugged.

"Is that how you got that giant bruise on your face? Because I've fallen a lot of times, and I've
never gotten a bruise like that." Satoru raised his eyebrow.
"I got mad and hit him, and then he hit me back, and I got detention." Megumi shrank into
the couch.

"Well, for now, Tsumiki and I are gonna finish playing, and then we're gonna talk about what
happened." Satoru said. Megumi squirmed uncomfortably. He started working on homework
while they played the game. Tsumiki won and offered to clean up.

Satoru brought Megumi into his bedroom and pulled his office chair around so he could sit
on it backwards. Megumi sat on the bed in front of him with his dogs.

"I heard there was a comment about how you play basketball like a girl. Is that true?" Satoru
asked. Megumi nodded, "Do you know why that made you feel so upset?"

"I dunno." He shrugged.

"Did you feel like he was picking on you because you're trans?" Satoru asked. Megumi
frowned at him.

"No. That's dumb." He shook his head, "He's right, I'm not good at basketball. I was mad
because I was playing with Misaki and she's like the best player in the whole class."

"Oh. Okay." Satoru blinked in surprise. He wasn't sure he'd ever understand Megumi, "So
you were mad that he said that girls couldn't play basketball, not that he called you a girl?"

"He didn't call me a girl though. No one tells girls they play sports like a girl, they say that to
boys so they'll feel bad." Megumi said.

"Alright, fair point. I didn't think about it that way. It's still not okay to hit people." Satoru
frowned at him.

"I know. I'm sorry." Megumi cowered back away.

"So I get that you hit him because you were angry. But what were you trying to do? What
was your goal there?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know. I just saw how upset Misaki looked, and I thought about Tsumiki and Naoya
and I kinda stopped thinking after that." Megumi shrugged.

"Okay. I think I got it. How did you feel after you hit him?" Satoru asked.

"I don't know. I felt really angry, and my heart started beating really fast, and I couldn't really
think straight. And then I hit him and I felt a lot better, like I got all the energy out. And then
when the teacher broke up the fight, I just felt really guilty and kinda like I wanted to throw
up." Megumi said with a shrug.

"What could you do next time you get angry like that?" Satoru asked. Megumi shrugged.

"You can just leave. Just tell your teacher you want some water, and walk out. If you feel like
someone else had their feelings hurt you could ask how they're doing and try to help them
feel better. You could try 5 things trick I taught you. You could exercise all your energy out,
if you're in gym class again you can play extra hard, if you're in class you could ask to go out
in the hall and do push ups, you could run a lap around something." Satoru tried to think of
all the tricks he knew. Most of them were really for anxiety, but adrenaline was adrenaline, so
it would probably still work.

"Okay. I can try those." Megumi nodded.

"Now the awful part. What do you think a fair consequence should be?" Satoru asked.

"I think I should go apologize." Megumi sighed.

"I think that's a great idea. But when you're a grown up, you can't just hit people you don't
like, no matter how rude they are to you." Satoru said, "So I have some ideas."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna give you the flip phone. I still want you to be able to call the people you need to
call, but I think some mindfulness is important right now, and I think the smartphone would
be distracting." Satoru said. Megumi nodded, "I also think we need to limit how much you're
going out. If you're hurting other kids, then you need to step away until you can control
yourself a little better. So school, home, and Shoko's house."

"Shoko?" Megumi frowned.

"Yes. Violence is just about the worst karma you can get, and we need to balance it out with
good karma. Shoko is an extremely busy medical professional that deserves some love and
support from her community. So I want you to donate some of your time to helping her clean
up and make sure she has something to eat when she's not working." Satoru said.

"Her apartment stinks." Megumi wrinkled his nose.

"Which is why she needs your help." Satoru said.

"This is so unfair." Megumi crossed his arms.

"Okay. If it's really unfair, what would you rather do instead?" Satoru asked. Megumi
shrugged, "Is it unfair or are you feeling frustrated that you have extra work to do?"

"I'm just frustrated." Megumi sighed.

"That's okay, you can feel frustrated and upset. This is a great time to practice being angry so
you don't have to do this again." Satoru said. Megumi nodded, "I still love you, kiddo, even
when you make mistakes."

"Can I have a hug?" Megumi held out his arms. Satoru moved over to the bed to hug his boy.

~*~

Satoru made sure that Megumi and Shoko stayed in contact so he wouldn't wander after
school. They agreed on two weeks for his "charity work" when he'd go over, clean, cook,
whatever else Shoko needed, and then come home. He got to stay home over the weekend
and rest. Usually he'd just eat leftovers for dinner and then go straight to bed. Somehow he
managed to find time for all his homework. Eventually, Satoru did get a call from the school
about the fight, saying since Megumi was such an excellent student, he was given detention
as a warning. But any repeat incidents would be punished with suspension.

Satoru had talked to the therapist and gotten him in for an appointment. It wasn't really a
therapy appointment, it was just to get a referral for an anger management specialist. But an
appointment was an appointment, and Megumi was working hard. Shoko had even texted
Satoru telling him how impressed she was with his cleaning. He always made sure she had
something easy in her fridge. Sometimes it was just packages of dumplings, sometimes he'd
make her curry and rice, or rice balls for her to take to work. When he was low on time, he'd
prepare ingredients and leave a recipe for her to follow when she came home.

Today was his last day at her house. He ate, and then immediately went to bed. Satoru
followed him in with a little bowl of ice cream. He knocked quietly on his bedroom door and
stepped inside.

"How are you feeling?" Satoru asked.

"Tired." Megumi said.

"Do you want some ice cream before bed?" Satoru held out the bowl for Megumi to take.

"I thought this was a punishment." Megumi sighed.

"No, it's a consequence, it's different. Everything has consequences. You punch a kid at
school, you get to take some time to do something kind for someone. If you do something
kind, you get ice cream." Satoru said.

"Consequence is just another word for punishment." Megumi huffed.

"Sometimes. I think that bad consequences feel a lot worse, but good consequences can be
even more important than the bad ones." He said.

"You're confusing." He frowned, "Is that your weird Buddhist stuff?"

"Yeah, a little. It's all cause and effect, and it's all about intention. What did you want to
happen, and what actually happened. That's it." Satoru shrugged. He never forced the kids
into reading the books, or following the tenets or anything, but he wasn't shy about talking it
out with them. He wanted them to form their own thoughts and feelings, take what was
valuable to them and leave the rest. He enjoyed talking about religion, it was something that
brought a lot of peace and comfort to his life, it felt like there was a guidebook for him.

"Like you know anything about karma." Megumi rolled his eyes.

"More than I think you'd expect." If Satoru looked too long at Megumi, he'd only see Toji
staring back at him. He thought about karma a lot. He thought about the call of pacifism, and
the plea to end violence. He thought about how sticky his hands had felt, and the choking
sound Toji made. If he was being honest with himself, he didn't know what his intent was in
that moment. He had no idea if he was trying to defend himself, Suguru, Rika, or if it was
revenge, or bloodlust, or just blind adrenaline and a kitchen knife. He wasn't sure if he took in
the kids because he wanted to be a father, or he just felt guilty. He wanted numbers, he
wanted values, he wanted to plug everything into a neat little equation to know where he
stood with the universe. But there were too many variables, and nothing to relate them to
each other.

As the inequality stood, the left side held Toji. There was blood, a lot of it, but he had no idea
how much of it mattered. There was self defense, there was the dead feeling of apathy that
weighed down his stomach. The absence of regret, the knowledge that he'd do it again if he
had to that burned a hole through his soul. But on the right side was Megumi, Tsumiki, there
was quiet talks, and doctors visits, and dogs, and flags. There was gossip about which boys in
her class Tsumiki thought were cute. Did that make it okay? Had he earned the right to be
forgiven? Legally, yes, he had, but legal didn't really mean moral, everyone knew that. Did
the exaggerated PR persona he put on to help his case make him evil? Did doing his little
girl's hair every morning make him good? When he died, did it just mean another courtroom
was waiting for him?

"I think karma is stupid." Megumi said.

"Why's that?" Satoru asked.

"We all do good stuff and we all do bad stuff. Except the good stuff and bad stuff changes all
the time. I think we just kind of do stuff." Megumi shrugged and ate his ice cream.

"I think that's a fair way to look at things." Satoru nodded.

"I'm gonna go to bed." Megumi said. He handed back his empty ice cream bowl, "Can we
make rice and omelets tomorrow?"

"I think I can make that work." Satoru smiled, "Do you want the dogs tonight?"

"Yes please." Megumi said. Satoru kissed his forehead softly and tucked him into bed. He
wasn't sure he'd ever once kissed either of the kids goodnight, they always felt too old and
too distant. But Megumi just snuggled down deeper into his covers and held Kuro gently.
Satoru smiled and smoothed his hair down softly before he left the room.

Tsumiki was sitting on the couch with her phone in her hand. Her face was cherry red, and
her grin was a mile wide.

"Who are you texting?" Satoru asked, "Are they cute?"

"Oh, no, he's just a guy." She shrugged, "He's not like that."

"Do you have pictures?" Satoru hurried over to sit with her on the couch.

"I think I have his Instagram." She said quietly. She showed him a picture of a teenager that
looked like such a jock it was almost painful. He was in sweatpants, and a navy blue shirt.
His hair was styled neatly, but not excessively.

"He's cute!" Satoru gasped, "Is he your age?"

"He's a year ahead of me." She said.

"Are you gonna ask him out?" Satoru grinned. Tsumiki's face turned maroon with
embarrassment.

"I can't do that!" She shook her head.

"Why not? Isn't there a dance coming up?" Satoru asked.

"Yeah, but he has a girlfriend, and I think I'd be too nervous to talk to him, and I already
agreed to go with some friends." She fiddled with the hem of her sleeve.

"Does he have pictures of her?" Satoru asked. Tsumiki showed him a picture of the boy, with
his arms around a girl wearing candy colored, glossy red lipstick. Her hair was curled out of
her face. Her fake eyelashes were massive, "You're definitely prettier."

"No, she's way more popular, and she does her makeup every day, and she always looks so
put together." Tsumiki sighed.

"I think you're very pretty, and I think he'd be lucky to have someone as sweet as you are."
Satoru nudged her.

"Thank you." She sighed. She didn't seem to internalize it.

"What's wrong? You seem down on yourself." Satoru asked.

"I'm tired of being so anxious all the time." She said with a small shrug.

"Is the therapy still helping?" Satoru asked her.

"Yeah, I just wish it did more." She said. Satoru grabbed the hairbrush from the coffee table
and moved her down to the floor in front of him.

"What have you guys been working on?" Satoru asked. He carefully untied her hair and
started to brush the product out. It didn't really need it, but it helped when she needed to talk.

"Trauma stuff with the Zenin's." She sighed, "It was just one year, it shouldn't be this bad."

Just a year. The course of Satoru's life was changed forever in the span of an hour. He had
been altered fundamentally because of one single hour. A year of abuse like that sounded like
hell on earth. He tried putting herself in her shoes. How could he have coped living with Toji,
knowing he was watching, knowing he was always there, but being completely in the dark
about what he was really capable of beyond pain and hurt. Part of him preferred the blood
and death, and another part of him felt an all consuming guilt knowing he thought that way.
"A year can do a lot to a person. Especially when you're 12 and 13. You're still young enough
that every day you're absorbing and changing to try and adapt. More than 350 of your most
important days made you think and feel a certain way, that's something that's really hard to
downplay." Satoru told her.

"It's still upsetting." She brought her knees up under her chin.

"Yeah, it is. I know that feeling pretty well." He told her.

"You had an accident right? You never told us what happened." She said.

"I did, when I was 19. It's a pretty scary story." Satoru sighed.

"Can I hear about it?" She asked.

"How close were you with Toji?" He asked.

"Not very. He was just a step dad. He always paid more attention to Megumi." She shook her
head, "Was he involved?"

"Do you know what he did for a living?" Satoru asked.

"I know he was a gang member, that's about it." She said.

"You absolutely cannot tell Megumi about it, okay? It's a really sensitive subject for him and
I want to be able to sit down with him myself and talk it through with him so he can
understand everything. Okay?" He told her. Tsumiki held up her pinkie. Satoru looped his
finger around hers.

"Pinkie promise." She nodded.

"Toji Fushiguro was a hitman. I think he was also hired for burglary or robbery or something,
but I'm not sure the specifics there." Satoru told her. She stayed silent, "I ended up being one
of his targets. I'm not sure why, the police never found evidence of an order, and he never
gave a reason during the trial."

"What happened?" She asked softly. Satoru could feel his brain go fuzzy as he reached for the
script he'd used so many times in the following months.

"It was summer break, I was with my then boyfriend and a very good friend of mine, her
name was Rika. We went home to drop some stuff off before we went to meet up with some
people. My front door was this frosted glass thing, and the wall behind me was completely
white, so Toji claimed his shot just missed, a freak accident I guess. But he hit Rika, so
Suguru and I freak out. He runs upstairs to try and call the police, and since the front door is
totally shattered, Toji just kind of walked in." He could feel himself getting sucked into the
story. The lines between memory and reality were starting to blur, one superimposed on the
other in such a way it was hard to tell which one was tangible and which one was fantastical.
Nanami used to sit on his chest when this happened, or he'd get him on the bed and bounce
him until he calmed down. Satoru stopped brushing her hair for a moment to dig his palm
into the plastic bristles of the brush, feeling them compress against his skin.
"It must be hard to be around Megumi all the time." Tsumiki said.

"Why do you say that?" Satoru asked.

"He looks just like his dad, he always has. I think trying to live with Naoya's twin would
make me sick to my stomach, even if they were nicer. I bet that's really hard." She said.

"I still love that kid to death." Satoru tried for a laugh and started braiding her hair back up.
He needed to move his hands.

"What happened to your boyfriend?" Tsumiki asked.

"He's mostly fine. Toji got me pretty good a few times, I was in pretty rough shape. Suguru
assumed I'd gone down and tried to hide until the police showed up. He found him eventually
but I got Toji first." Satoru said.

"You put him in the hospital?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah. I did." Satoru could feel his throat closing up with shame.

"Oh." She whispered.

"I stayed with him until we had paramedics and everything. And he told me about you guys.
He said if anything happened to him, you'd be going to the Zenin family. He said he wanted
you two to be safe." Satoru told them.

"Did he ask you to adopt us?" She was almost silent.

"No. His exact words were 'do what you will'. He did call Megumi out by name, he said
Megumi was his blessing, and needed to be treasured. But he always said kids, plural. I didn't
know your name until later, but I knew there were two of you." Satoru told her.

"Are you lying?" She asked.

"No. I wouldn't lie about that. I have the court documents, I used his testimonies to get
custody of you guys." Satoru told her.

"I want to read them." Tsumiki said.

"Everything is kind of all together, which means there are lots of pictures, and lots of really
detailed descriptions. They really don't hold anything back." Satoru said.

"I want to see everything. I don't want to hide from him anymore." She said softly.

"And you have to keep it secret from Megumi for a while." Satoru said.

"I will." She nodded, "Thank you for being honest with me."

"Thank you for being patient." He said.

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