Spoiler: Bottling Up Your Emotions Will

Ruin You

Subtitle: As someone who was proud of “keeping it

together” and “not having emotional outbursts”, you
can take my word on it.
I always thought that I have high emotional intelligence.

Even the worst life situations could not break me mentally, I used to laugh my way out of
humiliation, and of course - I never cried. As a 16-year-old, I believed that I had it all figured out
for me. People around me who cried when in distress and threw a tantrum when things went
horribly wrong just needed more maturity in life - this was my thought process.

Oh boy, was I in for a surprise.

I wish I could turn back time and tell my younger self to not bottle up her emotions the way she
does.

I wish I could tell her that being emotionally unavailable is not the flex she thinks it is.

I wish I could tell her that she needed help.

Fortunately, at 20, I have finally realized the importance of letting my emotions out. If you find
yourself refraining from opening up and giving a healthy outlet to your emotions, you should
consider sticking to the end of this story.

Early Signs Of My Body Screaming For Help

I didn’t get diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) all of a sudden. It was due to
years of emotional neglect towards myself. My body, for years, was screaming for help - but the
cries fell on my deaf ears. Here are a few of the most common signs that I was bottling my
emotions and needed immediate help:

1. Feeling Overwhelmed Without Any Reason

From regular classes in school to walking in a park, I went through brief episodes of sudden
overwhelming. I felt like crying and my head started spinning with absolutely no trigger at all.
Since these episodes were rare and lasted for only a few seconds, I never gave them much
thought.

Later, these episodes turned into a much-prolonged session of anxiety.

2. Opening Up To People Seemed Like Rocket Science

Usually, opening up to people is a fairly simple task. You reach out to someone you trust, tell
them your story, and listen to what they have to say about that. To me, this concept didn’t seem
as easy as it does now.

I used to sit and prepare myself for hours for something as small as telling a friend that what
they did hurt me. I took everything into account - what they might think of me, how our bond
may get destroyed, and so on. Ultimately, I figured that it was best if I didn’t discuss my feelings
at all.

What did I do instead? I ghosted people who I had a problem with.

3. I Had Trouble Falling Asleep

Now, this is a very generic symptom and can occur due to a variety of reasons. However, in my
case, I feel that I sleep much better now than I did when I was younger.

Reason? I feel much more at peace.

Now, if I have a problem with someone, I tell them. We either sort it out or give each other
enough time to think through the situation. If I am facing a personal issue, I reach out to my
friends for support. I just sleep better thinking that I have people to help me get through the
tough situations of life.
How The Bottle Overflowed For Me
While I realize the signs and symptoms now, I conveniently ignored them earlier. As a result of
years of bottling up my emotions, all of them overflowed. And of course, as you would expect, it
caused a lot of mess.

Here are a few ways through which my life got messed up due to it:

1. Heart Palpitations Scared Me Every Night

For months in a row, I used to have heart palpitations every night. Basically, when I went to
sleep, my heart started beating irregularly. It was such a dreadful experience that I hated it
when the clock struck 10 pm and my bedtime approached.

2. Ciao, Sleep

My sleep bid me farewell during the emotional overflow crisis. The main credit for this can be
awarded to the constant heart palpitations.

3. Hola, Panic Attacks

The “tough” situations that I used to get over earlier became the biggest life hurdles for me.
Whenever I found myself in a pit of constant pressure and sadness, I started having panic
attacks. It mostly included me dissociating and my body crying for hours at a point.

How Am I Doing Right Now?

If I never accepted the fact that my not being in touch with my emotions was the main reason
why they got bottled up in the first place, I can guarantee that my life would’ve been ruined. I
would have been the same miserable piece of sh*t, crying to sleep every night and eating an
entire tub of ice cream in one go.
But as I slowly realized that the bottle was merely overflowing, I decided to stop looking for
solutions. For once in my life, I wanted my body to feel the emotions that it had suppressed for
so long.

Along with a few other methods, I managed to overcome my anxiety and tighten the cap of the
bottle again.

Currently, I don’t experience any heart palpitations at night, sleep like a baby, and haven’t had a
panic attack since last year. So believe me when I say, it is possible to make it through!

Thanks for reading!

PS: Should I write about how I overcame this issue as well?