Poem: The Instant of My Death

By: Sarah Jackson

The bus was crammed and the fat man rubbed against my leg like a damp cat
while you read The Jakarta Tales three rows from the back

and we all stumbled on; wheels and hours grinding, trippin

gas Spiti rose up around us, sky propped open by its peaks.

I traced the rockline on the window with my finger,

counted cows and gompas, felt my eyes glaze over

until we reached Gramphoo. There, where the road divided,

I saw a thin boy in a red flannel squat between two dhabas;

a black-eyed bean, slipped in between two crags, he was so small

that I almost missed him, until he turned, gap-toothed, and shot me

with a toy gun. And a piece of me stopped then, though the bus moved on,
and the fat man beside me cracked open an apple with his thumb.

INTRODUCTION
The Instant of My Death by Sarah Jackson is beautifully written where the author describes her travel to the
Himalayas. She travels on a bus and takes the readers to the same mood.
Inspired by the mountains and ranges the author gets into a daydream of the feel of the mountain. That's when she
gets shot by a small boy using a toy gun. That's when the writer comes back to reality while the bus still keeps
moving.

SUMMARY
The narrator is travelling on a bus in a mountainous range in the Himalayas. She zones out while staring out the
window at the mountain peaks. Suddenly, a small boy crouches between two dhabas, and shoots her with a toy
gun, which snaps her out of her daydream and back to reality. Some part of the narrator stops, though the rest of
the bus carries on. The poet takes the readers on a journey with her, therefore allowing them to feel the same
experiences.

ANALYSIS

‘The Instant of My Death’ by Sarah Jackson is written from a first-person narrative point of view and depicts the
manner in which journeys can transform people and awaken their spiritual instincts. In this case, the poet’s
journey can almost be compared to a pilgrimage as it awakens her spiritually. She experiences an epiphany when a
small boy while travelling on a bus playfully aims her with a toy gun. It is almost a heart-stopping moment for her,
but she speedily recovers and “moves on”, more enlightened spiritually than before the incident. Jackson writes
about the notion of intimacy, and its accompanying pleasures and discomforts. She uses a simile to write about her
unpleasant experience on the bus, stating ‘the fat man [rubbed] his leg against her like a damp cat’. This damp
clinginess creates an uncomfortable experience. The fat man also represents the perversity that one sometimes
encounters in sexual alliances. This seemingly perverse act is juxtaposed against the innocuous one of another
travellers reading a holy book, ‘The Jataka Tales’ “three rows from the back.” One of the themes in the poem is
escapism. An English author, a westerner is travelling in a crowded third world country, in a bus crammed with
people. This could be paralleled to her hectic life in the west before her arrival to the country wherein she seeks
solace.

The poet mentions that they “all stumbled on” towards their destination, which indicates that they are crossing
hurdles or difficult terrain on their arduous journey toward enlightenment. The bus struggling along on its journey
is juxtaposed against the majestic beauty and power of nature, wherein the sky is “propped open” by the sheer
force of the mountain peaks. Natural beauty almost has a spiritual quality to it. The splendid sight of mountains
and meadows is awe-inspiring for the poet even from within the confines of the bus and she is fascinated by the
rural spectacle of cows grazing. So emotionally moved is she that she “felt [her] eyes glaze over.” However,
disillusionment sets in upon reaching the settlement of Gramphoo, where man has established his presence, and
commercialization mars the landscape with the presence of two ‘dhabas.’ These are juxtaposed against the glory of
nature. It is here that a small novice monk, “a black-eyed bean” in “red flannel” shoots at her “with a toy gun.” The
mere fact that the boy, a Buddhist monk, in whom is indoctrinated the concept of non-violence, perpetrates this act
of violence is a rude shock for her. In ‘the instant of [her] death’ she experiences an epiphany and makes her realize
that even a very small person can make someone change her perceptions and beliefs. However, this incident occurs
almost simultaneously and paradoxically when she reaches a forked road on her journey “where the road divided”
and during this part of her journey, she confronts both spirituality and earthiness. There comes about an almost
reawakening of her beliefs, and self- realization sets in. The two roads heading indifferent directions also indicate
that there are always paths leading to different choices in life. She chooses the road to enlightenment by closing
one chapter in her life where “apiece” of her stopped. The bus then “moved on” and “the instant of her death”
makes way for a spiritual rebirth.

This is reiterated by the symbolic gesture of the “fat man beside” her cracking “open an apple with his thumb.” This
is probably a biblical allusion to Christ being portrayed holding an apple, wherein he represents the second Adam
who brings life. Moreover, the apple in the Garden of Eden is also a symbol for knowledge and immortality. The
poet has paid great attention to detail with her keen observations and vivid descriptions of her journey and her
confrontation with the boy. The poem is written in free verse and has six stanzas. Several lines with enjambment
indicate continuous movement like that in a bus journey and her continuous flow of thoughts. Sarah Jackson also
uses several caesuras to give the reader a moment to reflect on different stages of her journey. The first pause is to
admire the splendid majesty of the mountain peaks near Spiti, the next is during her keen observation of cows and
Tibetan temples, while the third is a longer pause upon reaching the town of Gramphoo, where she becomes
disillusioned, and her beliefs are shaken.
THEME
Jackson urges the reader to explore and make a choice to engage with the world around, rather than be trapped in
a bubble.

Passive vs. active: the bus ride is boring because nobody takes an active role, on the other hand the boy is the only
active figure in the poem and the most interesting.
SYMBOLS
Symbolism #1
Apple (final line): the dark reality
 cracked open by the fat man easily & quickly→reality showed to us in an instant
 biblical reference (Adam & Eve) →an apple made them realize.
Symbolism #2
The Jataka Tales (line 3): the false understanding of the real world
 sentence directed to the readers.
 implying that the readers only read about the country through literature, therefore not
experiencing it.
 Believe it when you see it.
Toy gun (line 12): powerless, poverty
 forgery of the toy gun used in the modern society.
 shows the helplessness of the boy when it comes to his circumstances
Road divided (line 8): segregation
 where the world divides into poverty and wealth
 a sign that the narrator has noticed the existence of the poverty.

TONE & MOOD

 discomfort, disturbing (1st, 2nd stanza)
  spaced out (3rd stanza)
 focused (4th stanza)
 shocked (last stanza)

IMAGERY
 5th stanza : detailed image of the boy that shot her with the toy gun.
 "Spiti rose up/ sky porpped open" (l.5) tension is rising, turning point coming soon.
 Metaphor → black-eyed bean (10)
 contrast with "the crags" to show the vulnerability and insignificance of the boy compared to the
population of the world.
 the crags insignificant compared to the Himalayan Mountain range.

Question:
In what ways does Jackson vividly convey the speaker’s thoughts and feelings in this poem? [25]