RELATIONSHIPS:

We have different kinds Relationships (Parent/Children, Bosse/ Workers,

Peers, colleagues; but I believe your interest for this talk Love relationship. Also
in Love Relations we have the worldly and Godly; we will focus on the Godly
relationship between one Man and One Woman as this is the divine way God
choose for us when he created Adam and got him Even.

The order of God is to have a marriage that flows in his order which is;

God

Christ (Submits to God)

Man (Submits to Christ)

Woman (Submits to Man)

When any of the flow above is disturbed or eliminated then, the order of
Marriage the God’s way gets disturbed. If a Man is not submitted to Christ, he
gets out of the order of God and thus the wife has to submit to Christ directly.

Accordingly as a Godly youth desiring to have a Godly Marriage you must

engage first in a Godly relationship by foremost ensuring that your desired life
Partner is fully submitted to Christ. If they fail this initial test then Run
otherwise your marriage will lack the Godly order from day 1.

(You know a Church is a Hospital, Don’t run to get into a

relationship with someone Just because you met them in Church.
Just like worldly hospitals, some church patients are not responding
to treatment and you may end up boarding with a sick person in
your house, mkiona na Mgonjwa utashida intercessory praying for
response to treatment… Na ikiwa hataki kupona?) God cannot
force change on anyone, he gives us a free will. We can only pray
for someone conviction but the acceptance to change must be
theirs)….Mungu atambadilisha?????
2 Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is given by inspiration of God (Pneuma – breath of
life), and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in
righteousness: 17 That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all
good works.

A Love relationship between a Man and A woman is only Godly if the same is
done within the perfect will of God. Any other way is out of context in the
Christianity life. The Perfect will of God is that a Man shall leave his father…..

Genesis 2:24/ Ephesians 5:31 …. Therefore Shall a man Leave his Father and his
Mother, and shall cleave (stick closely) unto his wife; and they shall be one
Flesh

OUR BEHAVIOURS/ VALUES/ DECISIONS ARE INFORMED BY WHO WE

MIRROR OURSELVES TO BE. HOW PEOPLE TREAT US IS MOSTLY A
REFLECTION OF WHO WE ARE.

Let takes an example on a real life scenario; A guy invites a Lady to

a dinner date wajuane; the invitee (the lady) dresses in the
“todays” fashion trends… brings her body to dinner and Invitor
chooses an expensive restaurant (even beyond his reach) brings his
“wallet” for dinner. Afterwards the Dame will complain ….All men
are after sex (ulipeleka nini?) and the Dude will complain
….Madame wote wako after do (what did you take?)……. Very
twisted you present Lemons and you want passion Juice? How
now?

Now, Where do you see yourself in the next 2-3yrs?

What is your goal in wanting/ being in a Love relationship?

Now why do so many of us get it so twisted even in the body of Christ and
even out there when choosing life partners?

The Key driver to which Partner one chooses; is the

same Key factor that informs why and when to get
into Love relationship. (When, How and with Whom)
……………… THIS KEY FACTOR IS CALLED SELF
INDENTITY
WHAT IS SELF IDENTITY?

Self- identity refers to the stable and prominent aspects of one’s self –
perception. It is a combination of personality traits, physical attributes,
interests, hobbies, and / or social roles from your personal identity that you
specifically selected to identify yourself.

Self- identity encompasses the Values each individual holds and determine the
Choices they make in each step in Life.

Considering that majority of our Adult life is spent in Marriage (60yrs and
more), it therefore goes without saying that the Key decision in Life is
Marriage.

Yet most people mess up in this key life decisions and end up taking
partners who became their prayer item from day 1.
Self-Identity can either be strong or in a Crisis. An individual can either
possess a Strong self –identity or be in Identity Crisis. When in an identity
crisis your decisions will be blurred and you will end up suffering the
consequences.

Self- Identity determines;

i). Your Sense of significance (self love)

ii). Your Purpose and Vision (goals and mission)
iii). Your Values (self worth)
iv). Your personal qualities (your strenghths)

There two key definers of identities;

a). Social Identity ( Where you came from/ Clan/ Religion/lineage/ Ethnic
Group/ Networks/ Titles) (Mtoto wa Pastor/ Deacon/ Chief/ Elder/ ………….)
Phil 3:10 Paul decided to adopt the identify of Christ being the best identity
any individual can adopt.
b). Private Identity (Oneself such as one’s inner self feelings and self-concept)…
The strongest way of self-identity. (being ok with who you are and loving who
you are)….
My Name is Irene (I don’t need you to title me as Deconess Irene, Madam
Irene, Mama Feli/Mose, Mum to have my self-worth) Yes there is
demonstration of respect in doing this but the absence of the titles doesn’t
make me any less because my self-worth is not determined by the titles that I
carry, they only crown it.

How do you identify a Strong Identity in yourself?

1. You make decisions that are best for you independently, knowing what
is right for your life even if others can’t make sense of it.
2. You are not overly dependent on others and are not controlled by things
outside yourself.
3. You have high regard for yourself (Admit your weaknesses), have self -
love, have high self – esteem.
4. You are your best advocate- strong sense of self with clear boundaries
on how to protect your preferences and opinions.
5. Feel good about themselves and their personal developments (don’t
wait for affirmations on their appearance or conduct to feel confident)
….titles
6. You are receptive on the ebbs and flows of life. Your self -worth is not
affected or driven by events, you are open to change. E.g. if you engaged
into a relationship ukaachwa….wachika!, some fantasising on things you
can’t go back to move on!
7. You are emotionally intelligent and you know how to tune to what is
happening and you are aware of your emotional triggers and have learnt
to overcome them. (ukijua jamaa Fulani or Dame Fulani huwa
anathombogachania your emotions, don’t be alone with him/her)
8. You stand up for what you value and believe regardless of your
environment. You are not just saved in church or among your peers in
church but even out there (college/ job) people can attest you are saved.
Kuna watu hawawezi weka status bible verse coz in colle or Job
wanajulikana vingine…ata hawajuangi mlango ya CU iko wapi.
 9. You respect yourself and as a result respect others. You are a reflection
of what you do unto others. If you cannot respect me, my space, my
values….same goes that even yourself you don’t respect.
10. They are go getters; hakaangi tu wakingojea direction, we steer
themselves. They see anything going wrong they don’t wait to be told to
correct, they do it and keep quiet coz it is in their blood.

People with strong Self Identity are generally influencers

How do you identify an Identity Crisis in Yourself?

1. Low self-esteem (requires affirmations to feel good)

2. You Fear sharing knowledge because you believe in doing so someone
else will go ahead of you.
3. You question your self -worth and your values --- you are dependent on
affirmations and titles (if mis addressed you get gittery/ bitter); if you fail
to be given a front seat you feel your worth has been devalued…
4. You are indecisive or helpless (aimless) when changes occur, you fear
new/ change; you don’t how to shift gears or you take too long to adapt
to the change, you get stuck.
5. You lack understanding of Values; lack Values and beliefs (follow other
peoples ‘values & beliefs’) if asked why you are doing something you
don’t have a personal definitive answer….eg why are you engaging into a
relationship?
6. You lack Purpose and Vision in Life… No yearly goals, no planning for life;
live a day at a time. You depend on other peoples’ vision instead of
recognising yours and looking for where such will be assimilated with
like minds.
7. You are driven by emotions and sway according to how you feel, you
react instead of responding.
8. You have increased feelings of insecurity, always worrying about your
approval ratings, what people think of you, social media likes…etc
9. You have increased feelings of anxiety and depression when in a
situation with no clear path.
10.You succumb to peer pressure and can’t stand up for what you believe.
If your peers start dating, you engage too; if they go for world bashes
you follow too, if your family pressures you into marriage…you start
 looking forgetting it’s you to remain in the marriage decision for the rest
of your life not them. In other words, your decisions are driven by others
not yourself.
11.You conform to others to please them even when it hurts you and your
values. E.g. someone insists you must meet or attend a certain function;
you have plans for yourself but because they asked you don’t know how
to say no. Someone asks you for money, you don’t have enough or you
know they won’t return but you give them any other and left
murmuring. Someone insists on getting intimate with you (sex/kisses)
you know your faith will hurt but you don’t want to displease them so
you agree.

People suffering identity Crisis are generally followers and they are not
dependable and mostly will say YES to everything even when they know it
is against their values and will hurt them.

(They may appear attractive to you initially but believe me, the
same way they are attractive to you because of how easy going
you think they are, they same way they will be attractive to other
when married to you. Give examples)
Now imagine getting into a relationship with someone suffering from
identity crisis?

1. You children will take in the effects of the negative environment you
create in your marriage; you are creating a generational crisis of people
who lack values

Explore with the youth how self-identity affects their why, when & with
whom in relationships (group discussions)

Now if you are in the Category of Identity Crisis, Is there Hope? How do you
thrive out of it?

1. Look inward and explore yourself

- Focus on self (your likes)
- Focus and identify your values, work on them
- Focus and identify your interests; engage in your interests
 - What grounds you? (Jesus Grounds us…Read the word let is instruct
you into righteousness)
- What is your Vision and purpose in life, refocus set one (what do you
want in life?)
2. Become aware of your emotions; what triggers you? What is it that you
have bottled that makes you a trigger? Stop mourning the past, if its
gone it wasn’t meant for you; Ikiwa uliachwa learn Kuachika, if you were
brought up in a negative environment use the word to affirm
you(Jeremiah 29:11)
3. Develop a sense of Optimism of what the future Holds. Love your- self,
treat your -self well. You are alive, you have energy, you are unique, God
purposed you before birth
4. Self-develop yourself; attend mentorship programs, expose yourself to
new environment, New Challenges and new people (get out of your
cocoon). If you don’t have a mentor, get one and look for one with the
values you want to develop in yourself. The right mentor should
challenge you to be the best version of you.
5. Surround yourself with people who have high values and high esteem,
stop becoming no.1 of the challenged. (get out of those comfort groups/
Zones)
6. If you can enlist a life Coach please do

Don’t engage into a Love relationship if your identity

is in a Crisis, work on yourself first and you will have
clear sight of with Whom and how you want to
engage in life.