Let’s Make It!

#7
Screenwriting Contest
- feedback form -

Dear WRITER,
Your screenplay, THE SEERS OF TIONLAN, has been reviewed
by ALFIE and was rated #60 on a 1-100 scale.

AWESOME EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR

ORIGINALITY X

PREMISE X

PLOT X

CHARACTERS X

DIALOGUE X

SETTING X

STRUCTURE X

PACING X

THEME X
 STYLE X

PROJECT
X
POTENTIAL

What did you enjoy most?

This script intertwines characters secrets and possible
timelines in a way that constantly keeps the reader
engaged in piecing the narrative together. Things such as
figuring out that Aarons boss was the guy killed in the
opening allowed for a rewarding read and creates genuine
excitement in the inclusivity of the storytelling. This
constant lingering sense of things not being as they seem
and characters having hidden motives further creates an
enjoyable read.

What can be done better now, to improve the

screenplay?
I felt that at times too much was left in question and
there are moments where instead of creating curiosity you
have created confusion. I think this is largely due to
the excess of characters conflicting in the setup and
making it difficult to establish a clear protagonist.
Aaron being introduced in a more casual environment seems
to be an attempt at giving the reader a chance to spend
time with him and recognise him as the main character but
then we don’t see him again for another 11 pages, which
is a large period of time in the first act.
It's important that the story is concentrated and
anchored on a central character. Of course, subplots are
important in episodic storytelling but not to the point
that it distracts from the core narrative. Having too
many characters can easily steal the attention, and
confuse the reader on not only who the story is supposed
to follow, but who each character actually is. It would
also be worthwhile making more of an effort to
distinguish the different agents, or simply limit how
many we interact with in the pilot.

The pacing has also suffered from this, and there are a
few particularly long scenes. Varying scene lengths is
important but to allow yourself to intertwine so many
characters and storylines it would be worth being as
efficient as possible with your scenes and not have them
go on longer than needed.
What should be taken into account for a future
project?
There is an interesting premise behind this story it is
just confused under many intertwining narratives and
characters. Try focus on Aaron and his individual story,
at least in a way that establishes his as the A-plot, and
do so early on.

Thank you!